#it's just a single moment of selflessness in the life of a very selfish man

[tloubraininfection]

There is something about Joel, but especially about Pedro Pascal`s portrayal of Joel, that feels so fragile. Sure he`s a tough guy, we know he`s done horrible things, he knows how to survive and what a cost of survival is. Yet, there are those moments, when his face softens almost imperceptibly and you can see the pain of his loss clear and fresh as if it happened yesterday. He moves on quickly, but no matter how much posturing he does, there is no way to hide the fact that at his core he is a father, a protector and a deeply loving man.

There is a quote from Fleabag that has stuck with me for a long time (minor spoilers for Fleabag season 2, I guess?). In season 2 Fleabag talks about her late mom and she says to her friend: “I don’t know what to do with it. With all the love I have for her. I don’t know where to put it now.” It makes me think about Joel. We know that he had Sarah when he was only 22, there are also clues that Sarah`s mom left their family picture pretty early on. Yet, I think he`s settled into parenting with ease, it came naturally to him and he was really good at it. Life must have been very difficult at the beginning, being a young single father, working to support himself and his tiny daughter, he must`ve struggled a lot! But being a dad? Loving Sarah? That was always the easy part.

Sarah was Joel`s whole world and he was ready to love his daughter thought 10 of her lifetimes. He wanted to love her though high school and college. He wanted to love her as she grew into a young women finding her place in life, love her as she got her first job and walked down the aisle. He was ready for that love to multiply as he became grandpa Joel. And one day in far future, when he was no longer there, he`d leave her with a legacy of that love, a gift that she could keep and share and build upon.

Instead that love became a shroud.

In that moment time stopped for Joel. He adapted and did whatever he had to do to survive, but he was no longer interested in anything else. Living was for that time from before, living was with Sarah. And I think he would`ve carried on like that until he met his fate one way or another. Instead, by a stupid twist of fate, he ended up with a kid in his care. And he hated it, he wanted no part of it, because he knew. Some part of him knew from the very beginning. So he did his best to treat her like cargo and keep his distance, but she got under his skin and fast. There was something about this loudmouth, swearing, pun-loving energetic kid, this singularity of a person. She could see right through him and that terrified him. He tried so hard not to care, to run away from that connection, but when she asked him to stay, becasue with him she felt safe, he couldn’t help it. It happened despite of himself, despite all the conflict, panic and fear. It was hard and they`ve struggled a lot, but loving Ellie? Taking care of Ellie? That was the easy part.

We can argue about morality of Joel`s decision until we are blue in the face, but one thing we can probably all agree on is the inevitability of it. That decision has been made long before they`d set foot in that hospital. Joel knows the pain of losing a daughter and he`d do anything to never to feel that pain again. And I really believe he wouldn’t have survived losing Ellie, it would, quite literally, break his heart. And that is the selfish part of his choice. But I understood recently, that there is also a selfless part to it. One that is all about Ellie. It was about ensuring her future, because he sees Ellie not as a potential savior for humanity, but as a full person. Person with dreams, planes, hobbies and aspirations. Troy Baker, once said in the podcast about Joel: “He saved the world, it’s just the world was that little girl.” His girl, his daughter, who wanted to become an astronaut, learn to swim, learn to play the guitar and read every Savage Starlight comic. And he believed this is worth saving, she`s worth saving. And he saves her, knowing full well he would have to live with the consequences of this choice, suffer through them. But he has no regrets, he would`ve done it all over again, because she got to live and that means everything.

In Fleabag (same warning applies) after Fleabag says: “I don’t know what to do with it. With all the love I have for her. I don’t know where to put it now”, her friend responds: “I`ll take it. No, I`m serious, it sounds lovely. I`ll have it, you have to give it to me”.

[elsart]

Severus Snape is such a wonderful and odd character. I know most don’t like him for his almost villainous anti-hero aspects, and there aren’t enough morally grey character explorations. But even within his character type, it’s rare that you’d find someone so hurt, so emotional (though he hides it mostly), yet loves so very deeply. Though his life has been absolute shite, he fights to his death for someone who won’t even acknowledge his loyalty and allegiance. He’s likely the most un-selfish person (character) that I’ve seen. Not a single thing he does out of selfishness, (that I can recall; if you can let me know ;)). There are lots of other anti-heroes and morally grey characters that I love, but all of them have at some point, for themselves, stepped back, or taken action, for their own sakes. So I suppose Severus isn’t un-selfish, but rather selfless, as he doesn’t ever take for himself what he needs. If it isn’t for “the greater good” or for Harry’s safety or on Albus’ orders, he doesn’t do it. He’s no vacation, no moment of rest, working three full time jobs, all of which he hates. He’s one of the most intelligent men in the Harry Potter series, so we know that at any time, he could’ve just, given up. Run away, formulated a plan to escape it all, but he doesn’t. It would’ve cost innocent lives. anyway, I’m still just in awe of the sheer depth of this man’s commitment. What a badass. I love him. I only wish that he’d survived the war, and had some to love and protect him for the rest of his days, so he’d never have to worry again.

[egg-emperor]

I was thinking (my thoughts get a lil morbid at times), given that Eggman is shown to STILL be salty about Maria's death stealing attention from him over 50 years ago, Do you think it's possible that he takes a moment to mentally gloat over maria's death and be smug about how he's still alive and she's worm food (and proclaim himself the superior Robotnik)?

Like would he look down on her for being "stupid" for not ditching Shadow to save her own ass and for being "weak" because she died from a single dinky little bullet, while he has survived things that would have killed an ordinary man 10 times over , multiple times?

Yours and mine both lol you know you've come to right place here 🤝

I mean Eggman is canonically so horrible, self-centered, and selfish that he feels resentment towards his dead 12 year old cousin and felt jealous when people talked about her because it wasn't all about him like he thinks it always should be. And even decades later as an adult, he didn't grow out of it and think "that was wrong, she was an innocent soul who was killed in a terrible way and people talked about her because she was a nice sweet girl and I was just bring a bratty kid demanding attention" like others would. He has held onto it to this day and it suits him very well for how horrible and selfish he is, how he has low empathy, and how he's a manchild.

So I can definitely see him having the most twisted thought process to make himself feel better on the occasion she crosses his mind. Like when he feels that bitterness seeping in and gets agitated again, he turns his nose up and scoffs and grumbles nasty stuff like "Some great, strong, brave girl she was when she died to a measly bullet, pfft" and "If she's so great, why is she long gone while I'm the one still here, accomplishing amazing things and on my way to victory and ruling my glorious empire?" and mentally lists all the amazing things he's done that she never came close to and things he's survived that would've killed a normal man a hundred times over.

I also like the idea that he'd judge like "She really died so he could be saved, what a pathetic waste of life. When I rescued Shadow with a robot when he fell to earth, it was because I was going to make good use of him as a weapon/tool and use him as the blueprint for my androids!" instead of just doing it as some foolish selfless act that ends up getting him killed like she did instead of saving herself! Because he really can't understand doing anything for anyone ever if it won't benefit himself by appealing to his own selfish desires in any way. And it's another way he can blame her and feel like he would've made the better smarter choice.

And because he acts like it was so easy to wipe out GUN himself and like they're just nothing and so pathetic compared to him like I mention in my next post, I can imagine him acting like being killed by GUN of all things is such a skill issue because they're so weak and pathetic too, as yet another way to have a one up over Maria. And yes, by saying that he'd actually also be insulting his grandfather and idol in the process, whether it comes to his mind or not. But with the way he also called Shadow the "so called" Ultimate Life Form and literally just dissed him and his creation like that in the very same TailsTube ep, I don't think that would exactly concern him lol

These are all the things that come to his mind whenever she crosses his mind and gets him grumpy, it will soon put a big proud cheeky smirk on his face and cheer him right back up again. He won't hesitate to put anyone down in any way he can to affirm that he's the superior, even in the absolute sickest of ways like that! That's golden, he's so nasty XD 💜

[merchantarthurn]

it's funny that 2/3 of the companions i ship astarion (the 3 being halsin, wyll and karlach) with are people who are objectively just lovely, selfless people but in a way that's just... too far. both in their own ways don't acknowledge they give/have given too much away for the good of others and a big part of the healing they need is setting even a single limit on what's "too far".

(under the cut cos it got long but this is more a ramble about character dynamics than romantic stuff so please enjoy even if you don't care for the 'ship' aspect. ive also got a LOT to say about karlach but i don't here im sorry i love her so much pls--)

wyll's willing to give his immortal soul (TWICE) for the sake of a city and father that turned his back on him with barely a moment to reflect on the unfairness to himself (at least in a 'and that's why it shouldn't be expected of me' way, anyway). halsin's given a hundred years of devoted research to the shadowcursed lands and cut himself off from deeper connections in order to remain committed to lifting the curse, not the mention the way he skirts around really acknowledging his trauma from the Underdark as a trauma instead of just a Fun Halsin Fact!TM

now... like all relationships between companions this is a compelling area without any romantic undertones, this is more what's driving my interest in the ships at all, but i find the above level of self-sacrifice really interesting in contrast to astarion. similarly, setting boundaries doesn't initially come naturally to him - he's not in the practice of being able to say no, and getting through the 'disgust' is something he tries to handwave as worth it for the rewards. but when in control, he's very much got selfish goals in mind. personal safety, mostly, being considered useful enough to keep around under the protection of the artefact. and in addition his moral compass is very much not aligned with the above, but does seem to shift in that direction the more compassion he's shown. it's never all the way flipped but... still.

two things that are interesting about that - both the selfish and selfless goals are, in isolation, completely understandable? save a city? well that's a good thing! protect yourself? can't argue with that!! but "no matter the cost to my mental and physical health" ooh never mind. astarion is, out of the three, seemingly much better positioned to understand and admit that? which is what's particularly interesting about either wyll or halsin's relationship (romantic or not) with him. cos any efforts they make to help astarion out with his own boundary issues and healing creates a big ol' elephant in the room with their own deal that i think astarion would, like, push back on y'know? he's already incredulous about heroes and do-gooders for both understandable and dnd-evil reasons but once an established rapport comes into play, then you get that incredibly tasty dimension of "okay, so you spent all that energy encouraging me not to loan myself out to make us stronger but you're gonna sell your eternal soul to a demon for a bit of information? and you're going to keep neglecting any aspect of your life that isn't shadow-curse related, to the point where you rushed in to enemy territory without regard for your safety and would have died if we hadn't stepped in?"

it's just such a chewable way of a bond developing right? both sides changing each other with something they initially might have found deplorable/insufferable about the other? but it both ultimately resulting in healthier boundary setting and the valuing of their own bodies and hhrhghruguhgguh. which is the sort of thing i Need when it comes to ships. man. oog. the list of little scenes i need to write gets longer by the second i swear. we can add shadowheart to the "dynamics i need to explore with wyll" list too ahrghr oogrhg

it's also making bl**dweave conceptually more interesting as an antithesis to this although i honestly haven't stumbled on anything that actually fits this particular niche so [handwaves] but to me that's two men who are gonna make each other Worse actually (this is not inherently a bad thing for Drama but all im saying is im pretty sure if you put those two together for too long you'll end up with a god + ascended ending ok). censoring the ship name cos i see much more fluffy stuff and im not here to ruin fun with opposing headcanons in a search ahaha

[februairy]

begging for you to stay alive.

inspired by guardians of the lamb webtoon (you can find it on webtoon for indonesian version and lezhin for english version).

warning: (very, very) brief mention of suicide.

-

“fuck.”

ace can't believe what he just heard. a fake suicide mission, for sabo. a must. they need to do that for the sake of everyone's safety. he just reunited with sabo after a long gruesome fight, and now they have to be separated again to run their own respective task?

it is supposed to be easier for ace to just carry on, rather than sabo.

it is supposed to be that way because between both of them, ace is the renowned assassin while sabo is just another civilian who is tangled in this mess.

but why is all of this harder for ace to let go? why does ace come to love a man that is so selfless as long as it is for bigger cause? why can't sabo be selfish, for once. he curses at sabo with any language he can, he wants sabo to be scared, to back down, to refuse.

how come the more ace spites profanities at him, the more steeled those blue eyes are? what should ace do to make sabo stay?

ace huffs, he can count his breath. “you fucker–” and sabo stills. “i have done everything, sacrificing my life to save you–”

“–and the best you could do is dying?” his voice sounds harsh, terrifying, or terrified? still, sabo's eyes are unwavering and for a mere second, ace is almost drowning in those ocean. ace turns around quickly the moment he feels his eyes sting but sabo follows close. shit, he can’t hide anything from this man.

he feels sabo’s hand on his right cheek, barely touching, just hovering and ace yearns for more to roam his hands on every inch of sabo if his current ego doesn’t stand in the way. he currently doesn’t want to deal with that face, face that ace loves so much. in these few minutes left, ace is supposed to savor the last time they spend together, but he just can’t.

sabo’s fingers wipe tears under ace’s eyes delicately. ace aches, classic sabo, treating other people as if they are frangible and shatter easily even though ace is a walking hazard and kills for money–breaking bones and gaping holes on bodies are ace’s bread and butter.

ace turns his head weakly to sabo, facing the blond man, every muscle in his body betraying his will. he feels his throat doesn’t want to cooperate with the next words that’s spilled from his mouth. “what about me–?” sabo's eyes widen. “how could i live if you are not here?”

and sabo wants to break at that moment, all his resolutions quiver for about two seconds, but he toughens them up all over again. there are people that need him now, as much as ace needs him.

do they?

sabo shakes his head at that slivering question.

his other hand also come up to ace’s opposite cheek, holding his lover’s face before closing the gap between them. they both shut their eyes, and neither of them dare to sigh through the kiss. that particular moment feels fragile and sacred and everything they are trying to keep safe and locked away. sabo kisses ace’s eyelids after breaking away, down to his nose, and back to ace’s lips again. not leaving any single second to waste.

ace pushes into him until sabo’s back arches and sabo can feel both of ace’s hands are on his back and waist, pressing their bodies together to be as close as humanly possible. and ace doesn’t want to stop, he wants to fuck sabo senseless here and then if he could, so sabo doesn’t even think of leaving him.

time is running and sabo needs to go. he pulls ace’s hair and ace, surprisingly, complies, contrasting with his hungry lips on him.

“i have promised you many things ace, i won’t leave you.”

ace pulls him in a hug as a reply, not a bone-crushing one but a careful embrace like they are walking on thin ice.

“promise me to stay alive.”

sabo nods.

“please be determined to stay alive.”

sabo tightens his arms around ace’s neck. ace has never said it yet to him, but those words are as heavy as i love you.

so sabo says it back;

“i love you too, ace.”

[zorkaya-moved]

"Zarina, zarina..."

Covered in thin sheets, Kaveh shifted his position in bed, a toned arm reaching out to drape around her waist, pulling her closer to his own bare body. Gaze did not sttay, as it admired the beauty found beside him, the one he still considered a proper triumph in life; to score the gaze and the heart of Zarina herself, why, had someone witnessed such it certainly would have gone down history. Kaveh, for one, believed it to be as such.

Voice hummed through the dim room, a flickering lamp on his bedside keeping them company as the architect leaned closer to her. " you're so beautiful you make me jealous and smitten at the same time, that's quite the talent ; thank the archons that you offered to pay for my drinks, how else would I have managed to catch your eye way back when? "

Playfully, Kaveh rolled sideways with his hands now seated on each side of Zarina's body, forehead soon meeting with hers. " there are times where I wonder if it's all a dream, as you tend to be too good to be true. If you are a dream..."

His lips sought to hers, leaving the software, warmest of kisses shared; "... I hope I never wake up."

@avaere

He's silly, she thinks. His playfulness, his romantics, his continuous words about how he feels like he doesn't deserve her. He's silly and wonderful, he's beautiful and intelligent, he's warm and wonderful. If anything, it's her who should speak words of concern and mild insecurity, but Sokolova is a selfish woman and she may be a selfless lover in some aspects, she still remains greedy and wanting.

The silverette knows of her vices and her sins: there is eating apathy, there is lack of morals, there is a beastly nature nurtured by the world's cruelty and winter nights as monsters would howl. Kaveh may not know, but he still stays and looks at her like she hung the woman. His touch is warm and the kiss of his lips is better than Celestia's gleam in the skies. He's her Sun and her stars, he's the star to lead her back home into his arms. Money is materialistic and boring, she has enough funds to sustain countless and invest in evenmore, but money never bought her happiness. Well, covering his drinks before seemed to make the right step towards this path of genuine happiness.

It'd be a lie to say she didn't watch him before. If he was selfish and if he was arrogant, she'd not care for him and she'd walk by, but she saw his kindness and she saw his warmth. Stricken by the way his eyes shined when he spoke about art and by the way his voice would get that higher pitch when he got so passionate. Zarina never trusted and believed in love at first sight, but she believed in her deduction and analysis of people: Kaveh was everything she wanted to learn, to keep close, to study, and to... be in her life. As a friend, as a colleague, but this? This was better. As her lover, as the beholder of her heart he placed the last chain around her neck and she was far more grateful for it than he'd ever know.

Lying in bed together is a luxury. To her, at the very least. Kaveh's breathing is even when he sleeps but it seems like their short moment of rest after taking a shower finishes before it's too late. The dim room still doesn't take away from the way how she finds him by her side to be a painting that no one can capture. The messy blonde hair, the pretty eyes gleaming, and his voice making her almost purr at the sound of it. Oh, he's dangerous. He's such a dangerous man and he doesn't know it. He can ask her anything and she just might do it.

Zarina smiles when she feels his hand on her waist, bringing her closer to him. She holds back a chuckle, their chests press against each other (she continues to blame her size for that) but she is happy and delighted at that. He says her name with such tenderness, it melts her frigid heart every single time. Not only that, but she goes as far as to let their legs intertwine. It's not that they even had sex before the bath, this is just pure intimacy. Simple and plain, but so true and genuine. Though, he's making it hard not to want to fool around while he says such things.

He's so silly, she thinks again with her smile becoming wider when she finally opens her eyes when he starts to talk about how glad he is for her paying for his drinks before. He's so silly to think that it's the time when her eyes were on him, he's so silly to think that way. He's wonderful, she's smitten far more than he gets it. If only he knew the thoughts running through her mind when she watches him work or when he vents about Akademiya or Alhaitham or his clients. If only he knew the extent of her lovestruck mind. Then again, maybe it's better he doesn't know the full extend of it.

"This isn't a dream, Kaveh," she decides to tell him this first. Her hand travels up his bicep before she places her hand on his cheek, not wishing to look away from his eyes. Their closeness intoxicates her on warmth alone, but his familiar scent and his touch only intensify her desire to want him in her life forever. No matter what. She wants to kiss him, hug him, hold him, make him happy and know that he's always seen, heard, and hopefully understood by her. "And you didn't catch my eye in that dingy pub."

She playfully gives him a soft peck on his lips before continuing.

"I had my eyes on you since I first saw you in the House of Danea. Specifically, when you were struggling with a new design because the task was too simplistic and didn't allow any creativity," she remembers herself passing by and hearing his talk to himself. She thought he was determined, then she asked around about him and then it was just a wonder here and there. Her own research took her away from meeting more of the students at the Akademiya, especially from other Darshans, but his eyes and his voice? She memorized it. "In the pub, I simply seized an opportunity. There wasn't a better time to get closer, but I didn't expect us to get this close..."

Her gaze softens at those words as she breathes out, holding back from her wish to push him to lie on his back so she can lie on top of him and kiss him all over. He must be tired after this busy week. She didn't even attempt to do anything prior, saying that she wants him to rest and to relax.

"I... I was undeniably charmed by many things in you," she says out loud, letting her knuckles to brush against his cheek. "Your voice, your eyes, your passion, your determination, and your honesty." There is a moment of pause. "The fact that you're really good with your hands might sound dirty, but I genuinely thought about your art skills." A little sprinkle of humor to hopefully get him to laugh or tease her about that, but it's only because she hopes her honesty won't overwhelm him. "Even if we weren't physically close at first, I'd eventually want to be with you. Probably attempt to selfishly steal the spotlight so you'd look at me. But you are here and I guess I do have to thank those drinks and that bill for helping us be here, hm?"

Archons above, she wants to kiss him. It makes her sad that he'll probably dislike traveling to Snezhnaya for its cold climates and its harsh winters. She'd love for him to meet her family; her mother would love him and her father would be playfully test him if he really wants to be with her. She knows little Aleksey would be fascinated by his talents and would be so eager to befriend him. And, well, she knows Victor will like Kaveh, too, especially with Margarita by his side. Wishful thinking. Plus, it must be too early.

"If anyone is a dream here, it's you." My dream.

A double meaning: both concerning the dreams mentioned by Kaveh, but also ultimately intimate for Zarina who always yearned to love, to be loved, and to experience this love to know she was a human.

"This was... oddly romantic of me, wasn't it?" Zarina laughs, thinking how much it must've been to him. Not that she couldn't be romantic, but her words certainly were far sweeter. But they were honest. "I hope it wasn't too much."

[zalrb]

"Stefan was walking over to Bonnie’s. The words the witch Damon took him to, Nandi, had been ringing in his head nonstop, tearing and ripping him, pulling him apart: “You want her free? You have to set her free. Tell her to live her life without you and never think of you again, to stop caring about you, and then leave her. That's the only way around the sire bond.”

NOT ME THINKING THE WITCH WAS GONNA TELL HIM ABOUT THE HUMANITY SWITCH LOOPHOLE. wait... now that i think about it... if stefan knew about the humanity switch loophole, do you think hed tell her to turn it off? i kinda feel like he wouldnt lol

"He had confronted Damon afterwards.  “You knew this didn’t you?”

Damon shrugged, which meant yes."

"But still, he needed to get a second opinion, needed to talk to Bonnie about the possibility that there was just something, something they were missing."

THATS SO STELENA

"Stefan was going to speed away but it was too late, Elena had seen him. She was halfway through the door and Stefan was deeper in the foyer but their gaze, both anguished and relieved, was fixed to each other, charging the air around them with yearning.

Elena walked into the foyer fully, closing the door behind her, and it didn’t take long after that. They were in close proximity to one another for no more than a few moments and their bodies were already syncing to each other, their heartbeats had found the same rhythm, they were breathing in tandem."

lol theyre hopelessly in love with each other and im hopelessly in love with THEM

stefan giving in, STELENA MAKING OUT

"He ripped away from her, panting heavily. Elena slid down the wall, heated and gasping and wanting. 

She watched him back away from her and slowly shake his head. "I'm sorry," he panted. "I'm sorry."

"His eyes were squeezed shut. "I shouldn't -- I shouldn’t have -- that was selfish --”

LOL. this really highlights the contrast between damon and stefan. damon always goes on about selfless he is with elena while actively hurting her. meanwhile stefan hates himself for the smallest mistakes. like yeah, i get why hes trying to stay away from her but ONE make out session after weeks of restraint doesnt make him selfish. poor guy is so hard on himself, which (unfortunately) is very in character for him

"Look at me. Stefan? Look at me. I love you ---”

THIS FANFIC MAKES ME PAINFULLY AWARE OF SINGLE I AM, I NEED MY OWN ELENA

"He was shaking his head. "No, no no, I can't do this, Elena."

Suddenly, he took off. 

Elena followed him."

GET YOUR MAN BACK

LOL. this really highlights the contrast between damon and stefan. damon always goes on about selfless he is with elena while actively hurting her. meanwhile stefan hates himself for the smallest mistakes. like yeah, i get why hes trying to stay away from her but ONE make out session after weeks of restraint doesnt make him selfish. poor guy is so hard on himself, which (unfortunately) is very in character for him

yeah, i was just thinking of the way the sirebond plays out in season 4 and the emphasis is this

and I was like nah, Stefan isn't agonizing over whether or not it's real or whether or not her feelings are heightened or how it makes him feel, he's agonizing over the power dynamics.

NOT ME THINKING THE WITCH WAS GONNA TELL HIM ABOUT THE HUMANITY SWITCH LOOPHOLE.

oh you know i won't make it that easy, lol.

[zaiyakua]

@vindictes asked: anemone, chamomile, marigold ! // Botanical headcanons

anemone :   how does your muse view the world ;   as a cruel   &   unforgiving place ,   a land full of wonders ,   or something in - between ? where does that world view come from   (what experiences ,   life lessons ,   etc .) ?

There is no shortage of cruelty in the world, even if people would like to pretend otherwise. He's seen the darkest sides of humanity from the moment he was born; and he's seen how often people claim to be above it all, yet stoop down to the level of the worst of them when they think no one is looking. It's left him with the lasting impression that everyone is doing this, no matter how noble or kind they may seem on first glance.

And that belief is what makes him hate so-called heroes or other figures that portray themselves as the pinnacle of selflessness. In Giovanni's worldview, there is no such thing: every single one of them is just as selfish as he is, and they still have the audacity to think they're better.

chamomile :   what is your muse likely to take away from a painful experience ? are they one to be haunted by adversity ,   or to use what they’ve gone through to become stronger ?

It's a bit of both, to be honest. Giovanni has a very hard time accepting that he can be hurt, especially if it's something (or someone) that attacks him more on an emotional level than physical. He's experienced a lot of personal growth as a result of his most crushing defeat, the one that pained him so much that he disbanded the entire organization he'd worked so hard to build.

Three years of self-imposed exile give one a lot of time to think about their choices and how they ended up here, and he fell into a deep depression during this time. It's only the call of his Executives that brought him back out of it again, and gave him the opportunity to realize that it's through this adversity and through those that he depends on that he becomes a stronger person.

marigold :   is your muse prone to jealousy ? how might they handle envious feelings ?

He is prone to becoming angry when he feels like someone is infringing on his ownership rights, so to speak. Giovanni is an incredibly possessive man, and does not take well at all to others stepping in on his territory, his business, and his people.

He's no stranger to taking care of it himself as needed, though he's more likely to keep his hands entirely clean of the whole affair, and send someone else to dispose of the problem.

[themosleyreview]

The Mosley Review: Netflix’s Avatar: The Last Airbender (Season 1)

And so the trend to try and adapt a beloved anime, manga or an American animated series to live action continues. It isn't uncommon that the fans demand it or someone has a vision to bring such beautiful piece of art to the big screen. It just the fact that each attempt has been a disaster or has completely missed the point of the source material. Not everything in animation translates to live action so changes have to be made for an audience to digest the information. Which in this case, was a travesty since the rich themes of identity, personal growth, fear, loss and the power of hope is what made the original animated series a masterpiece. Such themes that connected with children and adults alike is what made the series such a massive draw. Now we all know how horrible the 2010 film adaptation so there’s no need to retread those waters. You can say that expectations were tempered going into this new Netflix adaptation with all the problems that existed internally. To be fair, I will not continue this review by comparing every aspect of the original series to this new live action version, but I will always encourage you all to seek out the original series. That being said, I will save my biggest critiques at the end. Now, I went into this series with the single hope that it would be as close as possible to the original series. Well, this was a better adaptation that captured a certain percentage of what made the cartoon special, but you can feel the tug of war going on from the very first 3 episodes. This version wanted to establish that there is a dark and grittier edge to it, but also show the light hearted and fun nature of the adventure across the different nations and the lessons each character learns. In my opinion, for every great moment this series provides and gets right, there was an empty void where any connection to original show or even to the characters themselves was severed.

Gordon Cormier was really good as Avatar Aang. In many ways, he nails the character’s many emotional states as he slowly comes to grips with the loss of his Air nomad friends and mentor. He captured the pain in the Aang’s heart and also his childish humor in many scenes. I wish he had more time to actually grow out of his reluctant hero stage instead barreling through the most formative moments with his new friends. Lim Kay Siu was wonderful as Air nomad mentor Gyatso and I loved the emotional bond they had in the beginning of the show. Their chemistry was very strong and was the life blood for Aang. Kiawentiio was good as Katara and I felt she was done dirty in this show. She felt too sheepish at times and I wished she was more strong willed. She had her self doubts which is part of her arc, but I wish her steadfast nature was way more present. Everything was handed to her and she never really earns her upgrades in a selfless way as she comes off as more selfish when with Aang. Aside from a major missing character trait, Ian Ousley was excellent as her older brother Sokka. He nailed the characters' strength and humor, but I do wish he was a little bit more awkward. The family drama between Sokka and Katara was great and I liked the way it was resolved even if it was too quick. The 3 of them together make for a decent group, but I didn't feel as if they were really bonded. It felt as if they were following Aang as extra characters instead of being his friends and actual new emotional core of his heart. Utkarsh Ambudkar was awesome as the King of Omashu / Bumi. His playful nature was on full display and his message about making the hard decision as the Avatar and in his own way, as a King, was heard. He isn't the mad genius you love, but more the war torn and world weary older man. Maria Zhang was great as the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors, Suki. She was strong, had a good and ambitious heart. Her instant chemistry with Sokka was cool and I loved their training montage. I wish they took more time to develop the eventual love story between them instead of just jumping right into it.

Dallas Liu was fantastic as Prince Zuko. He nailed his obsessive desire to capture Aang and bring him back to the Fire Nation. His story was a bit more fleshed out as we get to see the deeper emotional toll of his father's banishment. Dallas also nails the physicality of the character and I enjoyed every action scene. You feel the desperation, pain and overall need to please nature of his broken spirit. Paul Sun-Hyung Lee was great as his guardian and beloved character, Uncle Iroh. He is such a layered character and in the amount of time we get with him, it isn't wasted. I really liked that his past as a warlord was brought up and you see his regret. He is always been the nurturing core for Zuko and he was exactly that for this version of the series. Daniel Dae Kim was perfect as Fire Lord Ozai. He was the tyrannical lord of the Fire Nation that we all know and I loved how cold and unflinching he was in his tactics. There was a moment where I thought we were about to see an emotional side of him come out, but I'm glad I interpreted it wrong. It wasn't a father's care that was being shown to Zuko, it was more disappointment and shame and that was rough. Ken Leung was awesome as Commander Zhao and he nailed the characters arrogance and hunger for respect and power. He wanted forge his legacy in the Fire Nation and I loved his ambition and dedication. He was an excellent adaptation of the villain. On the other hand, we have a character that is not supposed to be focused on so heavily in the first season. Elizabeth Yu was good as Princess Azula, but I believe she missed the point of the character. She is supposed to be the absolute polar opposite of her brother Zuko and truly her "father's daughter". Where Zuko shows doubts and emotion, she shows rage, venom and ice cold dedication to setting the world ablaze. Here she is doubtful, second guessing and sometimes winey as hell. The actress did what she could, but she is the second character in this show that I think was done dirty.

Takeshi Furukawa takes over the reins as the series composer and he did an epic job. He nailed the emotional beats and made the action even more intense. He incorporates some of the original themes from the animated series and a favorite song returns as well. I do miss the touch of Jeremy Zuckerman and Benjamin Wynn, but Takeshi did a wonderful job. Visually, the show was torn between vibrance and darkness and I wish they leaned more into the vibrance of the worlds without the dark overcast in almost every location. Like I said before, there were so many things that rubbed me the wrong way as this adaptation completely rushes past or condenses so many arcs for the sake of time. The first 20 minutes of the show was a mistake in my opinion, because we see the Air Nomads being wiped out instead of hearing about. Sometimes the stories about an event are more heartbreaking than actually seeing it. That 20 minutes could've been condensed to dialogue like the opening of the animated series. Princess Azula and her friends should have never been introduced in this season until the very last shot of the show. That's precious time wasted to build her up instead of forging Team Avatar. Aang needed to connect more with his new friends and rely on them instead of his dead mentor. That's why they never felt like a team or a new found family for Aang. This show really would've benefited from a 10 episode run instead of 8. In the end, it all boils down to the question of “Was this a faithful adaptation to the original animated series?” I would say that its a good cover album that takes too many artistic liberties and misses the many notes that made the first album a masterpiece. Fans like myself will like it better than the 2010 abomination, but will still see the major flaws. I highly recommend going back and watching the masterpiece the original series is, but if you don't, you'll still be entertained by this adaptation. Let me know what you thought of the show or my review in the comment below. Thanks for reading!

[admirableadmiranda]

The importance on when we find out something: or JC’s sacrifice reveal

I just want to note that I keep seeing this brought up as a “Gotcha!” or a winning argument that we should have all known that Jiang Cheng really cared and it should change our perspective on things. But all it really is meant to do is hammer home the tragedy of Jiang Cheng’s failings.

Narrative beats exist in every story, and Modaozushi is no different. The flashbacks offer us a deeper understanding of the present story, there is one key moment that entirely reframes the story and our perspective of a character, and of course the emotional climax of Guanyin Temple that begins with the clarity of Lan Wangji’s love and ends with Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue being sealed in an eternal battle of hatred. Where Jiang Cheng’s sacrifice reveal is placed is telling.

Regarding the two core reveals, we find out Wei Wuxian’s between the emotional heights of the Second Siege and Guanyin Temple, and it is a reveal to both the audience and everyone in story. Set shortly after the last flashback, it completely recontextualizes everything we thought about Wei Wuxian during the Sunshot Campaign. Why does he give up his sword? Why does he learn demonic cultivation? Why does he keep everyone at arms length and go so far to save the Wen siblings and the others in the camp? Because of this one action that he owed them so much for and can’t ever let anyone know because in the world he lived in, to have it known that he can no longer cultivate at all would invite the dogs to his door. Once you know it, you can’t look back at his actions without seeing that struggle there. Wei Wuxian as we know him becomes a different person knowing everything he did was to hide that one fact. Successfully, it doesn’t come out for almost eighteen years down the line.

Contrasting, we find out that Jiang Cheng distracted the Wens at the very end of the story. Narratively, this is not the point that is meant to recontextualize his actions as actually loving. It can’t. That’s not the point of that reveal. In story, we only find out that this one action of his happened after Wei Wuxian has turned away and let the door finally close behind him. This reveal is also set before everything else that happened, but only lets us see that Jiang Cheng once cared enough to actually do something. Him once deliberately drawing the Wens away does not make up for the following lifetime of refusing to pay any of his debts, actively turning the cultivation world against Wei Wuxian, leading the siege that killed him, and actively trying to capture and torture him through all of the present day. The reveal is not meant to tell us “Oh, but he loved him after all,” it is meant to highlight the tragedy of Jiang Cheng’s fall.

Once, yes, he did care and he acted in emotion to save him. But regardless of everything, it isn’t enough. One act of care is not enough to outweigh all the bad you have done. And Jiang Cheng knows that, and in his second and final act of care towards Wei Wuxian across the whole book, keeps it secret and lets him go.

[flower-of-darkness]

Let's talk about Atsushi Nakajima.

We all know that Atsushi is a kind-hearted boy. It’s clear to everyone - readers / watchers and bsd characters alike - that he’s selfless and would do anything for others even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness. 

But is he aware of his own kindness?

I don't think so.

Let’s begin this analysis from the very first moment Atsushi appeared in the anime. He was starving to death, and then we see him say this line :

Look his facial expression - the determination in his eyes and the certainty in his dialogue. At this moment, he really believed that he was someone who would steal for himself - who would do bad things for his own good. And yes, this was perfectly fine. It is human to be selfish at times, after all. 

Yet, despite telling himself that he will do those bad things, what did he actually do after that?

He saved Dazai, a drowning man, not caring about his empty stomach and low stamina at that time or hoping for any reward for doing that. Okay, one can argue that this was basic human decency, that it was the bare minimum someone could do. But then, literally one episode later, what did he do?

He threw himself on top of a ticking bomb to save a bunch of people he didn’t even know. He didn’t even need to think - it was his pure instinct to sacrifice himself for other people.

Look at his expression now. He was clearly surprised, and there was nothing in his dialogue but fear and uncertainty. He was surprised at the thought of himself doing something good.

Atsushi believed himself to be someone who would do bad things to other people to save himself, but it’s really the opposite. He’s someone who doesn’t care about his own well-being and would do anything for the happiness and safety of others.

Let’s move on to episode eight (one of the best episodes in the anime fight me), where Atsushi saves the passengers of the train. Now, look at this scene :

This is a scene that I can’t get out of my head because of Atsushi’s inner dialogue. "If I can save these people, does that prove that it's okay for me to live?" he asks himself. In my opinion, this line just proves that Atsushi thinks he’s saving these people for his own good - for selfish reasons. He believes that if he saves these innocent people, he can live in the comfort of knowing that he deserves to live. In other words, Atsushi is trapped in the mindset that he’s risking his life for selfish reasons. 

But yet again, his actions prove otherwise.

He risked his life to get to Kyouka in order to defuse the bomb, even after knowing that Demon Snow was practically undefeatable. He jumped out of the train without a single hesitation to save Kyouka, even though he might have died. So, he couldn’t have been doing these good deeds for selfish reasons, could he? He’s just a genuinely selfless person without any strings attached. 

Moving on to the last point, I'd like to point out what Atsushi said to Lucy in episode 12 of the first season :

Here, he claims that he envies and hates people, just like Lucy. That he could understand her negative emotions pretty well. And although I agree that Atsushi experiences negative emotions pretty often, here's a scene in S3 that I noticed had completely contradicted his dialogue :

Atsushi hates his orphanage director. He was his abuser, the nightmare that constantly haunts him. And yet, Atsushi cried when he died.

If he really did understand hatred to others, he wouldn't have been grieving. He would have been glad that the man he hated was finally gone from his life for good. But instead, he grieved for the man who had made his life a living hell - because at the end of the day, he still considered the director his father. His parental figure.

That's just the kind of person he is. No matter how great the hatred swirling inside him, his love and kindness will always dominate it.

Now do you understand why I think Atsushi isn't aware of his own kindness?

His character is really complex. He's a genuinely kind soul, but he doesn’t realize it and gives himself less credit than he deserves.

Atsushi truly deserves more credit.

[alygatorwrites]

can I request a lil something? during the end of the manga or after the timeskip if you haven't read it yet, reiner still has feelings for historia and reader has one-sided feelings for him.

pieck gives reiner a small hint, saying he's wasting time while there's someone close to him that cares for him and points to you. he doesn't understand at first and maybe is conflicted about his feelings for you because of historia. reader is cool about it as she doesn't expect him to reciprocate her feelings.

a rollercoaster of emotions later, maybe there is a happy ending tho? i am curious to see what you can come up with 😭😭 i have dreaming of this scenario before bed and i can't help but get jealous of his crush on historia abjdsndks maybe you can help reiner reciprocate reader-chan's feelings or not

thank u so much aly 💖🥺

reciprocation

pairing: reiner braun x reader

a/n: OMG yesss! honestly, i was kinda annoyed at how reiner still had a crush on historia. i know that isayama wanted to show how everything went back to normal, but i was hoping that reiner would have a bigger role in the allied nations instead of being "dumbed down" to having an obsession with her. MAYBE THATS JUST THE JEALOUSY SPEAKING LMAO 😭 i was hoping this would be longer, although school has been killing me so im really sorry!! i hope its okay 💗💕 thank you honey!

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as reiner is handed historia’s letter, you fold your hands on the table and watch him without a word. when he reads the lines and smells the parchment - jean saying something snarky afterward - you say nothing.

you want reiner to be happy: you want to see him at ease like this more, face soft as the leaf of the page flits from his pinched fingers.

and so you let the man speak about historia like she’s a damn goddess, gushing over her handwriting, and keep your goddamn mouth shut. ignore your jealousy. your feelings.

the truth is, you’re in love with reiner.

you can’t even remember how it happened, but you can remember the first time you looked into those hazel eyes, and how you knew that they were going to stick with you for eternity.

you’ve come to accept his crush on the queen, though. reciprocation was never an option in your mind.

when jean begins to chew reiner out for lusting after a married woman, and reiner says something about jean being a horse, pieck’s gaze lands on you. “you’re rather quiet,” she says softly, resting her head on her palm.

you shrug, turning away from her. “i’m just tired.”

pieck catches your chin between her lithe fingers, and turns you to face her with a tiny smile. the young woman is very perceptive, and you’ve known her long enough. 

that’s when you notice the twinkle in her eye. she’s planning something.

pieck releases your jaw then, sitting up in her chair. “you’re wasting your time, reiner,” she says suddenly. “there’s already someone you know who cares for you.”

you pretend to not hear pieck - and definitely pretend you don’t see her faintly point at you through your peripheral. the movement of her fingers is barely there, but you catch it.

damn you, pieck.

the way you’re now pinned underneath armin, jean, connie, and reiner’s stares makes your stomach tie itself into knots with bubbling reluctance. shit, this is awkward. you want to run away.

still, you peer over to study reiner’s reaction. he looks confused at first, the contours of his face unreadable. you swear you see connie facepalm at the man’s cluelessness.

then reiner’s expression slowly changes: his eyes widen in awe, lips parting slightly, and brows knitting together. he seems genuinely surprised - and conflicted.

conflicted? why?

there’s no time to explain yourself though, because the door creaks open and annie steps in. her words fall on your deaf ears, and when everyone stands up to leave, you’re the first one out of the room. work beckons you as always.

two days pass.

you’ve been busy filling out tons of paperwork pertaining to the allied nations, so when you’re finally given a day off, you take it with open arms. 

freedom at last.

you lean against a bench outside of headquarters, enjoying the salty breeze that flutters along your skin. it’s dusk, the sky covered in a gradient of neon colors as the sun dips below the horizon.

you haven’t seen reiner since that day in the conference room. you wonder how he’s doing, what he’s thinking, how he’s holding up -

“hey.”

speak of the devil. you glance over your shoulder toward the voice, low and familiar.

reiner approaches you, clad in his uniform: the suit hugs his large frame perfectly, showing every flex of his muscles, and his blonde hair is neatly parted. the black tie looped around his neck just pulls it all together. it has you weak at the knees every. single. time.

“hey,” you answer, giving reiner a smile as he stops beside you.

and that’s when your heart lurches at the sight of him.

the sunset highlights reiner’s profile in gold, a heavenly shine that settles upon his blonde lashes and the flawless slope of his nose. the flecks in his irises sparkle – a beautiful mixture of soft browns and muted greens. the only thing you can do right now is admire the man. 

his words are what breaks you out of your daydream.

“work has been crazy lately, huh?” reiner says, focused on the candy-floss clouds and their fluffy shapes.

“well - yeah, pretty much. i don’t want to look at a pen or a piece of paper ever again.”

“that bad?”

“you have no idea. i almost regret marley and paradis reconciling.”

reiner chuckles gently at the joke, but it’s strained. his forehead remains creased, and he’s not really smiling. the emotion there is more … doubtful. it’s like he’s having some sort of inner conflict.

hopefully reiner’s not acting cautious because of the other day. you know he doesn’t return your feelings, and that’s totally okay. you’re happy enough being with him like this. “i’m not mad or anything, y’know.”

reiner stiffens at that. there’s a white flash of teeth when he chews on his lower lip. “i know.”

“good,” you hum, breathing out a sigh of relief. your core twists with envy when you force a grin. bite it back. tease him like always. “so about historia … ”

reiner’s eyes go wide almost comically, and you hear the breath in his lungs leave his firm chest in one exhale. there’s a light blush staining his cheeks now. it’s funny; he’s so goddamn big, yet he’s such a teddy bear.

“y-yeah,” reiner mutters. you observe the way his brows pinch together as he awkwardly shifts in place. it takes a while before the man composes himself again, which is strange.

is he scared or something? what the hell?

“pieck,” reiner hesitates for a moment. the golden strands of his hair ruffle in the wind and he appears ... well, lost. “was she being serious?”

the question is a shocker - jeez, he could have at least let you prepare yourself. a firm ‘no’ almost slips out, but you’ve never been much of a liar. not to reiner, anyway. crossing your arms against your chest, you inhale sharply and nod. avoid staring at him face-to-face. “yep.”

“ … why me?”

reiner says the words with a mixture of spite and anguish, a casual and rumbling voice. you immediately turn your head, frowning. “what?”

“i’ve done so many horrible things.” reiner exhales heavily and stares down at his hands; perhaps he’s imagining all the blood they’ve been stained with. “i betrayed everyone. i killed innocent people - all because i was selfish.”

it’s no surprise that reiner is broken after everything he’s been through, but it pains you to know that he continues to suffer in silence. whatever war is raging inside his ribcage tears him apart piece by piece, and you wish you could carry the burden. 

there’s probably nothing you can say to convince reiner that he was just a kid, a victim of circumstance. there’s nothing that can persuade him to see himself the way you do.

so you decide to tell reiner why you love him. 

you explain the amount of admiration you hold for him. tell him that you love the way he just wants to be someone his comrades can lean on, like a big brother. tell him that you think he’s the most gorgeous person you’ve ever seen and how you think he deserves the world.

the way you spill your guts out snaps every nerve in your body. you don’t say everything you want to – but you tell him enough. a dark flush spreading across your face, you find the courage to look at him.

the world seems to stop on its axis when you find reiner staring right on back. the intensity of his eyes is stunning; they’re lit up with astonishment and affection.

god, the affection. you see it clear as day. maybe one of the greatest regrets in his life is how he forced himself to see you only as a friend.

that’s when he reaches out to you.

reiner retracts his hand twice, unsure, before slowly brushing his fingertips against yours. the touch is so feather-light that you almost can’t feel it. it’s a test - he’s waiting to see if you pull away. you can’t even move if you wanted to, because his fond gaze keeps you rooted to the spot before him. 

when you don’t recoil, reiner finally moves to gently hold your hand; his palm is so much bigger than yours, and your fingers slot together perfectly, like a jigsaw puzzle’s final piece. 

heart thrumming like a hummingbird has been stuffed into your chest, you’re almost at a loss for words and come to a realization.

this utterly amazing man likes you. always has. 

but reiner shoved away the feelings for one simple reason; you deserved ‘better.’ focusing on the old crush he had on historia was a distraction - an attempt to convince himself to stop thinking about you.

because looking at you everyday and not being able to act upon his feelings was too painful.

“is this okay?” reiner asks lowly. there’s a slight pinkness to his cheeks, the color of a selfless love.

by some miracle, you manage to nod dumbly. “yeah, of course. it’s fine.” it’s amazing is what you actually want to say.  

reiner squeezes your hand at the reassurance, a sigh escaping from his throat. “i really—”

you wait for him to finish, but he doesn’t. reiner just searches your profile for signs of discomfort, and then untwines your hands to bravely swipe a thumb along the length of your cheekbone. 

there’s no time to speak because he’s already leaning down.  

the sensation of reiner’s lips pressing against yours lights your skin ablaze; you can feel the curling flames of passion sear your soul, made even more intense by the warmth of the sunlight on your back.

it’s natural, it’s tender, it’s warm.

reiner’s breath rattles into your mouth when you rest both palms against his solid chest and deepen the kiss. the musky smell of his aftershave and cologne envelops you completely, and fuck, it’s so good. your arms wrap around him, fingers passing over the sharp slopes of his shoulder blades.

as much as you wish the kiss could go on endlessly, there are people gathering outside. avoiding any unwanted attention from nosy strangers is very much appreciated.

you pull away to nuzzle your nose into reiner, and he rests his chin on your shoulder, protective arms moving to loop around your waist. it’s such an intimate caress that it sparks your brain into overdrive.

as the rushing sound of the breeze comes back to your ears through the quiet, you tuck the kiss away to be remembered forever. that’s all there is to it. being close to reiner like this - swaying together like wildflowers in the wind - is more important than anything else.

“i like you,” reiner murmurs.

the suddenness of it makes you laugh, and you can feel the upward quirk of reiner’s lips - a whisper of a peaceful smile and a sweet, sweet promise.

[elleclairez]

The Starless one and his star - Darkling x reader

Alina didn’t know what to do exactly. She sat silently in an armchair of her chambers in the Little Palace, her gaze focused on the figure of her worst enemy who decided that it would be a marvellous idea to torment her a little by playing tricks with her mind. 

The Starkov girl knew that the Darkling wasn’t really there, but it certainly did not ease her worries in any way at all. The man on the other hand, silently stood, watching young Grisha train with Botkin through the window. No one could guess what was going on inside his head. Saints even he didn’t know why he chose to pay a visit to his enemy. 

The silence in the room was heavy, almost unbearable for the young woman. She wanted to cry, shout and hit the man all at once and yet her body couldn’t move even a little. She was petrified and she couldn’t understand why. Was is fear? Hatred? Anger? Or was it something else stopping her from crying out for help or banishing the man from her mind herself?

The silence didn’t stop until the beautiful, silky voice of the Darkling resonated through the walls of the room.

“Have you ever heard of a young woman by the name of Seren Heijman?” Confusion flashed through Alina’s eyes. Seeing that the Shadow Summoner sighed and added “You might know her as the Star Saint. A bloody ridiculous name if you ask me.” The last sentence was muttered and Alina could barely hear it to properly decipher all the words. But as the words left the man’s mouth, the young Grisha suddenly had old memories of childhood stories crossing her mind. Alina could still remember the tales that Ana Kuya would tell them back at Keramzin. There was one story that Alina always adored, it was about a young, beautiful and selfless woman who chose death to save her comrades and the now long dead king. 

“All I remember is that she died sacrificing herself to save the king and her friends. Let me guess she was Grisha too?” Asked Alina with her brows furrowed. Why would the Darkling talk about Saints with her? 

“I always told you that those tales were propaganda for peasants. Seren was indeed Grisha, a powerful Inferni actually. And no, she did not sacrifice herself as everyone chose to believe. She was killed. Stabbed and left to die alone. Without anyone to save her or to at least be by her side when she would let go of her last breath.” Spat the Darkling with anger. Hatred could be deciphered from his eyes quite easily. It wasn’t hard to understand that this story was quite a sensitive topic for him, but Alina didn’t care. She was too curious as to why the man who was as heartless as a volcra would care so much about a mere woman and her unfortunate fate.

“You knew her didn’t you?” Carefully asked Alina too afraid of his reaction. The last thing she wanted was to anger her enemy. The Darkling chuckled.

“I did not know the martyr that people made of her against her will. I knew a young Kerch Inferni who was too good for this world.” And with those words, the Darkling pulled out a chain out of his pocket, and attached to it were two rings.

Two wedding bands. 

While at court Alina was able to see many jewels but all of them paled in comparison to the beauty of those. It was no doubt Materialki work.

The first was a man’s ring, quite simple, black with silver engravings on it, but it was the second one that caught her eye. A silver ring with black engravings that were too small to be read but big enough to be visible. On top of it, three diamonds were placed. Two were small, white ones looking like stars and the third one in the middle seemed to represent a full black moon.

At the realization, the Sun Summoner gasped.

“You...” Words couldn’t form themselves. Never in a million years could she have guessed that the most heartless man could actually be married. But most importantly it seemed that the marriages was based on love, a feeling that Alina thought the Darkling could not feel.

“Yes, Alina. We were married and loved each other dearly. She was the only one for who I was ready to give the world to on my knees but even more, she was the only one for whom I was ready to give it up. The moment she would have said it, I would have given up everything. The Second army, Ravka, everything.” The Darkling paused to take a breath, eyes full of sadness and grief. “What people say is true. She was everything any person would want to be. Intelligent, beautiful, sarcastic, a real firecracker if you ask me.” At that the Darkling laughed a little, memories seemed to flash in his eyes. “Loving, brave and selfless and yet selfish enough to dream of a peaceful life with me, away from all the fighting. She was the only one that I needed, and yet she was still taken from me.” At those words the man’s fists clenched, knuckles white from tension, his eyes full of hatred and yet still held the same sadness as before. Alina could even feel herself pitying the man.

“What happened?” Almost shakily whispered the raven haired woman. She knew asking that would be dangerous, but she wanted to know what happened.

“The ancestor of our so lovely King Alexander desired her with all his body and could not bear the idea that she chose to marry me and decline his advances. So he did what many Lantsov men did as it seems, he tried to take her by force. But my Seren was powerful, something that the bastard forgot, she burned him but was kind enough to simply leave burns on his hands. She hoped that he wouldn’t approach her from then on but that man, if you can call him a man, was vengeful, so he sent her to Fjerda on a mission, as he said. I was away the day she was sent away, and I only found out a few days later. The moment I received the news I rushed to Fjerda as fast as I could but when I arrived at her camp, it was too late. All I found was dead Ravkan soldiers both otkasatsya and Grisha and when I found her tent I already knew something was wrong, I felt somehow felt it. And there she was in her tent, laying on the ground, eyes blank, a single dried tear on her cheek, the spark that I used to adore in her beautiful orbs, gone. She laid there, on the floor, in a pool of her own blood and all I could do was to stand there, paralysed with this raging urge to destroy the monster who did that to her.” A deathly silence succumbed the room, Alina did not know what to say, and she became even more speechless when she saw a tear run down the Darkling’s cheek. He didn’t look so terrifying anymore but more like the young man that Baghra so desperately tried to save. “From that day I promised myself that I would avenge her. That I would take over Ravka and destroy every person who would think of hurting my and her people, of hurting Grisha people.”

“Make me your villain, Alina Starkov. But even you should see right now that I am not the villain but only the victim. The one who lost too much by the hands of others.” Alina didn’t know what to say, how could she respond after such story? Was she even supposed to respond? Was he even saying the truth? It wouldn’t be a surprising for her that the Darkling was simply playing tricks on her, again.

As if reading her mind, the Shadow Summoner said. “If you don’t believe me, there is proof in a secret drawer of my desk, well your desk now should I say, in the war room, go see for yourself.” At that the Darkling’s figure started to disappear, but Alina had one more question.

“Wait!” The Darkling looked at her expectantly. “I know not all tales are true, but some said that... she was...” She couldn’t bring herself to say it. Because if those stories were indeed true then the Darkling would be even less of a monster.

A dark chuckle left his mouth, he knew what she was trying to say. “We were going to name them Elizaveta if it were a girl or Piotr if a boy.” And with those words the man disappeared.

Alina didn’t even notice how tears escaped her eyes but a few minutes later she found herself in the war room, opening the same drawer that the Darkling talked about. 

It was a portrait. An old, small and dusty but still very well-kept one.

On it was painted a young couple, dressed in wedding attires, those same rings on their fingers. Smiles and eyes full of love, so bright that even the painting couldn’t dull the sparkle that they had while looking at each other.

At the bottom of the portrait Alina was able to decipher the writing.

            “Seren and Aleksander Morozova. The Starless One and the Star”

Hope you liked this angsty Aleksander x reader one-shot. Had this idea since I saw the trailer (which is INCREDIBLE by the way) and gotta be honest I literally wrote all of this during my philosophy class because it was better than falling asleep...

If you have a request don’t hesitate to send me a message. You can find all the fandoms I write for in my bio, but I warn you that it may take a little while for me to write it because I’ve been a lot of writer’s block lately....

Ps: Hello! This is me again from the future or present (depends on how you see it). Just wanted to say that I edited the story a little. Again English is not my native language, so there may be some mistakes that I’ve missed, do not hesitate to comment if you see one. Again I hope you enjoyed this story and if you did go check my other ones 😉

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Day 61: Hurt

With just one look, Draco could tell that Harry's entire body ached.

He was walking slowly, gingerly, holding his body stiffly as though any unexpected jostling might cause more pain. "Oh, love," Draco whispered.

"It's fine," Harry said, glancing up at his words.

"Mmhmm," he hummed. "Are you actually hurt or just sore?"

Harry shook his head as he toed off his trainers, "Just sore."

"Are you hungry?" Draco asked.

The other man shook his head again, "Just tired, love."

He held out a hand and Harry's fingers slid through, "Come on," he murmured, leading him back to the bathroom where he'd already drawn a bath and added meadowsweet, sage, and chamomile.

Harry squeezed his hand, "Am I the last ingredient for your last potion of the night, then?" he teased gently.

Draco rolled his eyes as he helped to strip the other man out of his clothes and Harry sighed, hardly moving as Draco took his clothes off. "Into the tub, menace," he murmured, the tenderness in his voice belying his words.

"I love you," Harry said softly, eyes closed as he leaned against Draco's body for a moment, and the gift of vulnerability that Harry gave him made Draco's eyes sting.

"Come on, darling," he replied, "Into the tub." He helped him ease his body into the water, but Harry still hissed in pain as he settled.

(Read more below the cut)

Draco didn't say anything more, words could wait. He conjured a basin and gently removed the elastic from Harry's hair, letting his curls loose.

"You don't have to," Harry whispered, as though he could ever make Draco do a single thing he didn't want to do.

"I know," he said instead and Harry hummed, eyes sliding shut as Draco slowly combed his fingers through his hair, detangling the knots.

Once the knots were out he carefully washed the other man's hair, using a hair potion he'd made himself infused with chamomile and mint. "I like this one," Harry sighed.

"I know," Draco said, because he did. Harry loved anything that smelled like mint.

They were quiet as Draco washed his hair and Harry let the bath loosen up his muscles, and after a little while Draco said, "Alright, come on," and pressed a kiss to Harry's forehead, "to bed. I made up some of that salve to help you heal."

Harry groaned as he climbed out of the tub and Draco couldn't help but shake his head at the bruises that had risen to the surface of his skin while he was in the tub. Still, Draco held his tongue, he knew from experience that talking about it while Harry was still in pain would only lead to an argument, which was the last thing the other man needed when he was healing.

He helped him to dry off and led him into their bedroom, "Face down first," Draco instructed as he moved to the bureau to collect the jar of salve.

Harry grunted as he climbed onto the bed but did as he was told, and Draco joined him a few moments later and began massaging the balm into Harry's back and shoulders. He worked his way down his body all the way to his feet, watching with satisfaction as the tension drained from his husband's body until he was lying comfortably on the bed.

He presses a kiss to the back of Harry's neck, "Roll over."

With a little groan, Harry did as he was told, flopping gracelessly onto his back and Draco repeated the process, starting at his neck and chest, and working his way down to Harry's feet.

"Better?" he murmured and Harry nodded, eyes still closed. "Good," he said, pulling the blankets up over Harry before stripping himself out of his clothes and crawling in beside him.

In a well practiced ritual by this point, Harry rolled onto his side and Draco curled around him, drawing the other man's body back against his own.

Harry pulled Draco's arm around him a little tighter, bringing Draco's hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles with a sigh.

He was quiet for a long moment, letting Harry relax against him, letting their heartbeats sync up. "How close were you this time?" Draco whispered.

Harry didn't respond for long enough that Draco was debating asking again. "I always hear you," he said.

"That doesn't answer my ques-"

"You're the voice in the back of my mind every time I get sent out on mission," Harry pressed on and Draco fell silent, letting him speak. "And I always hear you telling me to be careful, that my life matters, too," he said, swallowing, "But I didn't get it until today."

Draco waited, brushing his thumb over the scar on Harry's chest.

"It was close," Harry whispered. "Way too close."

Draco's heart turned sideways in his chest, a spike of fear driving through him.

"And all I could think was that it wasn't worth dying for," Harry whispered. "That there are so many things I still want to do with you," he added. "There's so much life that I haven't gotten to live yet, that I've been too busy giving to everyone else to have myself." Harry held Draco's hand tighter, "And it's not fair to you," he said, "And it's not fair to me. We deserve more than this."

He pressed a kiss to Harry's shoulder, hardly daring to believe that he meant what he was saying.

"I'm sorry, Draco," he whispered. "For all that I have put you through, for all of the fear and the pain."

Not sure what to say, he simply squeezed Harry's hand and waited.

"I resigned," Harry managed after a moment. "I got back to the office and I couldn't understand how I had stayed so long."

"Really?" he whispered.

Harry nodded, "Let's take a trip," he said. "Let's go away for a whole month and spend time on beaches and at vineyards; let's stay in beautiful villas and cozy rooms. Let's do everything that I've always promised you we'd do some day." He brought Draco's hand up to his lips and kissed it. "Godric, I've been selfish; I've been so unfair to you."

"It's alright," Draco soothed. "You weren't being selfish."

"I was though," Harry protested. "You're my husband, I'm supposed to love, and cherish, and honor you," he said, "and I've ignored you. How can you ever forgive me?"

"Harry," he said softly, drawing back enough that he could nudge Harry onto his back so he could see his face. "You haven't ignored me. You said it yourself that you always hear my voice in the back of your mind. How could you if you ignored what I said?"

"Yes, but-"

"No buts," Draco said, placing a finger over Harry's lips, "It's my turn," he added. "You weren't ready," he said, "and that was okay. It was hard for me, watching you throw yourself into danger all the time, I won't lie, but I knew who I married."

Harry closed his eyes, face shrouded in shame.

"You are so good, Harry. So selfless. And I knew that when I married you, I love that about you, you know," he added.

A tear slid down Harry's cheek and Draco wiped it away.

"I love you, Harry James Potter-Malfoy," he said softly. "I love you so much that I just want you to love yourself half as much as I do. And for all that you love everyone else, you're not very good at loving yourself."

"I know," he whispered and that was more progress than Draco had ever let himself dream of seeing Harry make.

"Let's start in France," Draco said, letting the rest go; learning to love themselves was a journey they could go on together. Harry opened his eyes and blinked at him. "We own a villa by the ocean, you'll love it," he promised.

"You mean it?"

"Of course I do, love," he murmured, leaning down to press a kiss to Harry's lips. "It's a perfect place to start."

"Okay," Harry breathed.

"Okay," Draco affirmed.

Neither of them were perfect but maybe this was the beginning of learning to love their own imperfections.

----------------

Day 60: Heart | Day 62: Clothes

[junova]

↬ 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞𝐭𝐲 𝐧𝐞𝐭 | 𝐬. 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

abstract: the one where steve finds your love letters.

pairing: au!steve x fem!reader

word count: 3K+

warnings: cussing, fluff, angst, crying, slight self-deprecation.

[author’s note]: hey guys! i’m really new to the writing scene so kind words are appreciated! srsly just testing my writing style out and wanted to just post something to motivate me to keep writing. hope u like it. <3

also thank u ari for the inspo and that bomb ass album that saved twenty-twenty. now we just need biden to get elected.

ps. don’t forget to vote! <3

Stevie,

First and foremost, I want you to know how proud of you I am. You have become the man you’ve said you become, the one I always knew you would. You have finally seen what the rest of us see.

A good man.

The soul you carry within you shines brighter than I’ve ever seen. Just for that only, I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together. Maybe one day, I’ll be brave enough to tell you this without hiding behind the comfort of this notebook. She won’t spill my secrets, fortunate for me.

Some days you have no idea how badly I want to tell you. I think it’s on the days I discover a new fleck of green in your eyes or maybe when you show up to class with a cup of coffee for me without request.

More. More. More.

More. More. More.

It’s selfish of me, that much I know. More days than not, I would say you give too much of yourself away. Always wanting to appease everyone, you, Steven Rogers, the bridge to making the people around you happier than they walked in. Even when Bucky drags you into his nonsense bullshit, you say yes without hesitation.

I’ve got not a a clue on how you continue on, how you still remain you when you tend to spread yourself so thin. Who watches out for you? Who cares for you? Who loves the almighty, selfless Rogers?

For me, it’s much easier to pretend you carry too much on your plate than to deal with the rejection I would receive from you. You’re just too good, more than I deserve. More than I would be willing to take. I know I couldn’t possibly give you what you deserve but, I hope that one day you might see me differently. You would see me more than the light I’ve painted myself in.

Even though the shade is lovely, I want to be deeper. Deeper into you on a level which only seems unattainable at this point.

A forever friend. To be in your life, just as a friend, is an reward in itself.

But someday I hope you would love me in the same way I do. It’s all a love struck girl could do. Hope for the best, bet be prepared for the downfall.

With much love, your forever friend.

Tearing the page away from the binding of the overfilled notebook, dispensing it in the first empty drawer you could find, you abandoned the feelings as soon as the pen’s ink bleed out dry.

“You know it would just be easier to tell him how you feel.” You peaked up at the sound of her voice, before realizing she was looming over you, watching your write the letter.

Your supposed, secret letter.

“Nat, please. No.” Opening the drawer, she grabbed the letter but was surprised with just how many she found.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’ve written about him multiple times?” You sank in the soft, plush material of your seat hoping that just maybe it would begin to swallow you whole. Hopefully, fast enough were you wouldn’t have to endure the rest of the conversation. One you had been trying to avoid, for the past three years.

“It’s nothing Nat, just forget it.” Just like a Romanov, she couldn’t leave it alone. Even if she tried it was laced in her blood to see any little thing through.

“You really shouldn’t wait so long. A window might close for you, much sooner than you think.” With a curious eyebrow lifted, you felt your breath leave you.

“What does that supposed to mean?” Steve certainly deserved the best and you knew it was only time for him to figure out you would never be enough for him.

“Peggy Carter.” Peggy.

The one girl of a sea of many who had been enamored by Steve. He never really seemed to spend anytime with the women who vied for his attention, but Peggy was surely different than the rest.

Even if Steve was oblivious when it came to the advances everyone would make on him, he saw Peggy. Considering she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen, she intimidated you. God, did she ever.

On numerous occasions she and Steve had gone out, and even though he assured you they were just friends you were starting to believe he was only trying to protect your feelings. As a friend.

He had never cancelled on you once for her and he would tell you if he had started to date someone, just like he had before.

Even though the entire three years you’d known him he only had one serious girlfriend and after eight months, the pair broke up and even now he still didn’t budge on why they broke up.

“Steve can do whatever he wants with her. He’s a single man. He’s gone out with her before and he’ll probably go with her again.” Then Sam was the next to speak up, dismissing the total bullshit spouting from your mouth.

“Can’t you see he doesn’t want to? The damn man follows you around like a goddamn puppy.” Okay, when did he even come in here?

“God, fuck, no he doesn’t. He would have said something by now, he’s had three years and it’s been nothing but radio silence.” With an all knowing smirk, Sam proposed a new concept into question.

“It has been three years. So, have you ever said anything to him?”

Shit. Fuck you, Wilson.

“W-Well, not exactly.” Sam didn’t have to say anything in response. You knew he was right and you hated it.

Your unwillingness still stood for you, there was just no way he actually would reciprocate your feelings.

“Listen, I think it would be really good for the both of you to air everything out. Peggy is sinking her claws in him and it isn’t too long before they get stuck. Just talk to him.” You nodded silently, but you weren’t sure if you’d ever have the courage to.

—

Emptiness.

It’s all you seemed to feel today. Following you around was a dark cloud, looming over you. Wishing you could be anywhere but your own body. Nothing in particular happened to make you deserve the feeling you were granted with. It just so happened to be one of those days.

From the moment you got out of bed — or rather stayed in bed until four in the afternoon, you felt like anything you would have done just didn’t feel enough. The feeling was fleeting, never staying for more than a day or so, but it made the day drag on. Never ending.

Your muscles sore, body aching from the lack of activity your presumed. Or maybe you had built it in your head too.

Thankfully for you, Nat was busy helping Bucky move into his new place the entire day. She asked if you wanted to help, but mentally you didn’t feel you would be useful for anyone. Simply, telling her you would hang back, claiming you had another an essay to write.

Which you did, you weren’t completely lying, but there was more than your sour mood to blame for your dismissal of social interaction.

You hated to be that girl, the one who needed the presence of men. Specifically, the company of one very beautiful, blue eyed one.

His absence in your life the past few weeks felt heavier on you than you thought it would. You knew from Sam’s intel he had been hanging out with Peggy more and more. He said the two of them were getting close, mercifully sparing you the details.

You hated it’s you’d become. A girl so damn struck over a boy who was giving his attention elsewhere. Upset you were though. Before even if he was busy between classes and his internship at the gallery, he would still text to check up on you.

Now, it was nothing but radio silence letting you draw conclusions on your own. Very, very dangerous territory for you to travel to.

Steve and you are just friends. Get. Over. It.

You thought you’d be alone the rest of the Saturday, especially since it was nearly midnight. Figuring Nat was staying over at Bucky’s and Wanda leaving earlier in early hours of the morning to see her boyfriend for the entire weekend.

Then, an incredibly drunk Steve stumbled into your quaint apartment, the thoughtfully sweetness in him blubbering out with the alcohol flooding through his system. It was like he was on overdrive. More than ready to crash at any given moment.

You had enough when Steve started shamelessly raiding your kitchen, but you remained on the couch attempting to maintain some distance between the two of you. He had a history of being incredibly handsy whenever he had bit too much to drink.

Stumbling his way over to you, almost tripping on the rug, until he was basically cuddling up to your side. His arms latched tightly around you, pulling you into him. Not spared a choice, not that you’d want one.

The security of being wrapped up to him wasn’t something you ever grew tired of. You don’t think there would ever be a time you would ever be capable of turning him away.

“I’ve missed you. It’s been too long.” His soft tone, penetrating the tiny resistance you held towards him. “Me too. I was starting to think you disappeared on me, bubba.”

“Never.” His iron grip holding so tight like he was afraid you’d slip right through.

“Is everything alright?” Trying to pull from him, but Steve seemed unable to let you go. You whispered in his ear, caressing his back.

“I think so.”

“Here, let me grab you cup of joe and some water. Okay? I’ll be right back.” Leaving him a kiss on the cheek, before heading him into the kitchen.

If you had been around him recently, perhaps you would be more in tune with how he was feeling. Then the guilt sept in.

“Sweetheart, do you know where the phone charger is? It’s not by the recliner.” You heard him shout, trying to stop your heart from hammering into your stomach.

Just make him some coffee, sober him up, until he crashes.

Steve always seemed to be a lightweight and somehow whenever he did decide to drink he always found himself routing his way into your home. You thought it was simply for accident alone. The bar he frequented at was only a few block from you.

The past few times he would just stumble into your bedroom, immediately passing out in your soft, silky sheet. Now, he seemed to have more pressing matters at hand.

“Check the drawers, Stevie. I think there’s one you left around here somewhere.” You grabbed the filters and the grounds out, brewing the coffee. Soon, with a black cup of coffee and a water bottle in hand you took note of just how quite he was being.

He was never this silent and it was freaking you out.

“Are you sure you’re o-”

Just like that.

Fuck.

Hunched over, practically on his knees, he read over the endless letters you wrote about him. Confessions never meant to be seen by him. You lost track of how many you had written over the past few years once realized how irrevocably in love with him you are.

He didn’t realize you had found him and you were suddenly paralyzed. Unaware of your presence he continued to read through them and his expression was unrecognizable. One you’d never seen from him before, and you didn’t quite know how to react.

No. He wasn’t grimacing nor did he seem to be elated either. He just stood there just like you, afraid what would happen next.

What did this mean for the two of you? Your entire relationship was purely riding on whatever happened next.

Softly, with a gentle hand, he sifted through them all like he was looking for something specifically. Steve let them fall to the hardwood floors as your shaking hands could no longer support the weight of the dainty coffee cup he had actually sculpted himself.

The glass shattering everywhere, several pieces making their way towards him, thankfully not fiercely enough to penetrate his skin.

Truly, you had never been more sorry than when he looked up at you with tears in his eyes. Threatening to spill over. Because of you.

You didn’t have to be told, you already knew.

Carefully, Steve stood up making his way over to you around the shattered mug. Still you couldn’t bring yourself to move. Simply just watching him until he was right in front of you — more silent than you’d ever seen him before.

“Those were about me. Weren’t they?” You nodded having no reason to lie other than to protect yourself from a rejection you been hoping to spare yourself from.

“I didn’t want you to find out like this. Or at all really.” Your resolve dropping instantly when Steve took a step further gripping by your hips, pulling you closer.

“Why not?” He questioned you, again. Almost like he needed a verbal affirmation of every secret he had just read.

Unintentionally, stealing your soul served for him on a silver platter.

“I know how you’d feel about me, Steve. It’s not how I want it to be and it’s okay.” You remove yourself from him, traveling to the other side of the living room. Suddenly, the apartment seemed suffocating with him in it. “I’m fine, Steve.”

Hearing him sigh in frustration only furthered your immense feeling of being a burden to him.

You’re just one more obstacle he has to deal with.

“One of them dated back for over two years ago. Two fucking years.” His harsh tone, piercing through you like a knife.

“I know. I should have told you.” You whispered, wishing you could disappear into any abyss that would take you. Deeply wishing you just didn’t have to endure for the rest of this conversation. Wishing you could have stopped him from opening that stupid drawer. “I tell you everything, but I just couldn’t bring myself to speak about this. Look at how you’re reacting? How could you blame me when every fear I have about this is justified?”

You really should have kept those elsewhere, not your open, public living room.

“Because it’s us. I’m always here for you.” He was still crying through broken words and you didn’t know why. Almost like you had shattered his resolve and his control leaving with it.

“Not lately. You’ve been otherwise occupied.” Suddenly find the plant in the corner of the room. It certainly weren’t trying to distract yourself from the insatiable cerulean eyes.

The breathtaking british woman wasn’t even here and as soon as she was brought up — there was a wall. Seperating, you from whatever was between the two of you.

“This isn’t my fault. You never said anything. How was I supposed to know you feel that way about me?” He tried to make his way towards you but you just stalked off in the other direction. Circling around the living room like a coward.

“It didn’t matter though, did it? You found someone perfect for you regardless of how you feel.” God, you wish he would just leave so you could let the dam break.

“No. You don’t get to do that. Since the moment I met you I only had eyes for you, but you never seemed like you were interested. So, I dropped it. Okay? You never left me a crumb to think you would ever want to be more than just friends.”

“You were my best friend. You still are. No matter how I felt, it could never outweigh the need I have for you to be in my life.” He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. Trying to figure out what was next for the both of you. Steve always had to initiate and this time was no different.

“Peggy told me tonight she wants to be exclusive.” His confession washing over you like a ton of bricks. Crushing you.

You really couldn’t have any ill feeling towards her, she was just doing what you lacked the courage and the tenacity to do.

“But I didn’t really know what to do.” He took quiet steps towards you, not wanting to spook you. He voice not no longer held the a warmth of teddy bear, but a man on a mission rather took over.

Steve kept quiet until he had you backed up into a corner, no escape route in vision for you.

“’Cause there’s this other beautiful woman, absolutely breathtaking — and I just I really needed to know how she felt. If I had known before,  I never would have gone anywhere else.” His hand caressing your soft, plump lips. Pulling on your bottom lip with his thumb, sending you into a frenzy.

“Then, I just wanted to forget about everything until Sam called me. Three beers deep, when he told me of a drawer filled with letters I should take a look at.” You could feel his breath on you, temple pressed against yours.

“I just need to hear you say it. Just once.” Taking it a step forward, intertwining your finger with his own.

“I love you.” It was all he needed as he sealed his own affirmation with a sweet kiss, inking your lips with all of his love.

[astridthevalkyrie]

summer rain: chapter 4

Your days in the Training Corp aren’t too out of the ordinary. You make friends, you train hard, and you eat dinner every day.

Oh, and you’re also hellbent on getting revenge against Humanity’s Strongest Soldier.

Chapter 3, Chapter 5

i have finally found the two perfect songs for this series and that’s everytime by chen & punch and talk love by k. will so go give those a listen because damn if it isn’t these two idiots.

anyways, enjoy the chapter!

Nothing is right anymore, and yet people are so quick to adapt to any sense of normalcy they can. It’s marveling to watch how, in two measly days, the refugees have quieted down and stopped fighting for food. Stopped fighting, period. Now they seek comfort in one another, a sense of camaraderie in knowing that they’ve all gone through the same thing. And holy hells are there a lot of them.

Because soon after Shiganshina was torn through because of the monster they were calling the Colossal Titan, Wall Maria itself fell. Ploughed straight through by something called the Armored Titan as though it was made of feathers. The refugees here are safe - for now - but there are countless of people who weren’t lucky enough to get behind Wall Rose, and they’re out there dying right about now. No one knows if Rose is going to hold either. No one knows anything. So with the kinsmanship comes a heavy pretense of safety, in which everyone ignores how scared they are in favor of counting themselves lucky that they get to live even a single day longer.

You’re doing what you can. Obeying orders without so much as a single complaint. Of course all rations are to be given to the refugees, so you’ve only had one eighth of a potato in the past twenty four hours, but it’s better than nothing. For once, you can’t find any fault with your situation, because no matter how terrible or hungry or scared you’re feeling, there is undoubtedly someone feeling worse.

Such as Ricky.

His mother and old sister managed to get to the boats. His father and younger sister weren’t so lucky.

The two of you had been stationed inside the base together, to watch and hand out resources to the refugees, but you’d immediately taken full responsibility and told Ricky to stay with his family. He’d pulled you into a bone-crushing hug and ran off, leaving you alone with your thoughts. Unfortunately, they’re pretty unpleasant.

Captain Erwin Smith is famed for bringing home soldiers who are still alive. That and Levi’s raw skill with his ODM gear makes you hopeful enough that he’s alive, so you try not to think of him. Frankly, it’s selfish to worry about a single person when there’s so many people at risk, so you bury the troublesome thoughts and focus on your job.

The Garrison has done a good enough job with the resources they have, but the Military Police’s presence is aggravating more than anything. They’re here to keep order, not to keep people safe, and everyone knows it. You wonder if your mother would prefer if you joined with these bastards instead of the choice you’ve made for yourself.

There you go again, being selfish. It’s always been about your life, and your absolute disdain for boredom. Out there, good people are laying down their lives. And you? You enlisted in the Training Corp as some form of self-fulfillment. It’s the first time you’re feeling this overwhelming guilt, as you realize just how ignorant your point of view is. You’ve never even so much as seen a titan, and yet you fancy yourself a soldier.

What a stupid girl you’ve been.

A tug on your uniform makes you snap out of your thoughts, and you look down to see a small girl with black hair wrapped in a scarf that’s too big on her. You blink, and try your best to smile reassuringly.

“Hey. You need something?”

The girl’s voice is quiet, soft, as though she’s trying her best not to be a bother. “They said you were giving out blankets here. May I have four of them, please?”

You nod, leaning down to check the crate by your feet. Unfortunately, you’d been swarmed by people asking for blankets just a few minutes earlier, and you’re just one short of how many the girl needs.

“I only have three left,” you begin apologetically, biting your lip, “but wait here, I’ll go check with someone else.” But you know that’ll be pointless, all the other stations have probably run out too, and if they haven’t, they’re saving for themselves. Calling them out won’t make them give it to you, that much is for sure.

Even the little girl seems to know that much. She shakes her head, taking the three blankets you offer her. “It’s alright. Three is enough. I’ll give them to the others.”

You frown. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter much. But you know that you would hardly be so selfless in the same situation. Hell, you would have wanted two blankets to yourself - these thin sheets are only going to do the bare minimum to keep people warm. The girl piques your curiosity.

“What’s your name?”

She hesitates for a second, then says, “Mikasa.”

You hum as though you’re thinking about it. “Pretty name. Who are the blankets for?”

She smiles faintly at the compliment. “My friends, Eren and Armin, and Armin’s grandpa.”

Not her parents. Your heart breaks for her. You’re not going to pry, the girl has probably seen enough, but you admire her maturity and willingness to spend the nights cold. It must take a lot to love some people so dearly that one would give up basic comfort. To risk getting sick, which, given the circumstances, may just be a death sentence. Yes, that kind of love is truly special, and you wonder if you’ll ever love someone that much.

You want to be a little selfless, too.

“Here.” You shrug off your uniform jacket, draping it over her shoulders. “I know it’s not much, but it’s better than nothing.”

Mikasa’s eyes widen. “But don’t you need it, ma’am?”

“Eh. They can make me another one.” You shrug. “Besides, to tell you the truth, orange isn’t really my color.”

Her eyes shine tiredly at the unexpected kindness. “Thank you.”

You watch her run off, letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. One person helped, out of thousands. It shouldn’t matter - you’re probably never going to see that girl again, you wouldn’t even know if the dumb uniform would do her any good. But there’s a part of you that can rest just a bit easier now, knowing that a child won’t be completely exposed to the harsh winter coming in. If the conditions of Wall Rose are anything to go by, you know that the refugees will be put to work in the fields very soon. It’s going to be a cold season indeed.

There’s been no time to process anything, which you’re almost grateful for. If you stop to think about the effect this is going to have on the fate of humankind, you might scream. There’s too much to think about, and there may be no time to think about it if things get even worse. For now, all you can do is try to help as many people as you can.

As Grumman always tries to drill into your head, it’s about dedicating your heart.

____________________

The new base and training areas are nice. That’s about all you can say for them. Losing the old one was akin to losing your home, and you know your comrades feel the same way, considering how awkward and depressing the shift has been. It feels stupid to start training again like the world hasn’t gone to shit, but you suppose it’s more necessary now than ever.

Everyone’s usual hijinks have stopped. Ophelia doesn’t cross her eyes and make faces whenever Grumman turns his back. Gunther’s habit of making finger guns every time he successfully slices a cardboard titan’s neck has ceased to exist. Even Traute, never one for jokes, seems even more morose and serious than usual. Everyone feels the loss keenly.

Ricky’s gone silent.

You don’t know how many people everyone has lost, and the worst feeling you’ve ever experienced is the relief that you haven’t lost anyone. It’s an ugly impulsive thought, but it trumps all the others in your head. Just overwhelming, horrible comfort.

It gets even worse when the Scouts return, almost three weeks later. There’s no cheers and hollers this time. Each and every single one of them is drenched in guilt and shame along with the blood coating their capes. Titan blood evaporates, you realize with a deep shudder.

The commander carries the same pain as the rest of them. Already, there’s been whispers of Commander Erwin, murmurs that Shadis is losing his touch and a younger, more clever man is needed. You don’t see how it matters who leads - titans are fucking titans, and they certainly don’t care. There’s no tactics that will make them stop being giant man-eating monsters.

You’ve been waiting for days to see Levi, but when you finally make him out, you quickly look away. The horrifying relief blooms in your chest again, and you curse and bless the circumstances that have brought you here. So he’s alive. So the constant anxiousness that has kept you up these last few nights is soothed. So what? Not everyone is as lucky as you. Things will never, ever go back to normal. You have no right to be happy about this.

When you glance at him again, you suck in a sharp breath when you see he’s gazing right back at you. There’s no brightness in his eyes, the rare spark that you’d seen in the moments the two of you shared is long gone. It seems like it was centuries ago. He’s seen too much. They all have.

There’s a question he seems to be asking you, but you have no idea what it is. You want to walk up to him, but a heavy force keeps your feet planted right where they are. All you can do is give him a confused expression, brows furrowed. It’s not like you’re telepathic. If he wants to ask you something, he’ll have to actually ask you.

But he doesn’t. He just looks away, seemingly conflicted, and continues to follow the others. When everything around him is hell, you wonder if you’re even important enough to be worth more than a couple of seconds of his attention. Thankfully, the thought isn’t painful like you imagined it might be. In fact, it’s a bit freeing to let go of this stupid, ridiculous, pointless plan. Your grudge against the lieutenant is about the least important thing in the world right now, so insignificant that you wonder how you ever thought it was worth your time in the first place. There’s no need to make yourself feel more like the foolish, self-centered bitch that you’re realizing you are.

The only problem that comes with letting go of this plan is that you’re letting go of Levi, and it’s a serious problem that the thought gives you such an aching pang in your chest.

____________________

Stephen is gently shaking you for a good ten seconds before you snap out of it, looking at him with a bewildered expression.

“Aren’t you going to go for your walk?”

You look around. Dinner is nearly over, and a few people have already filed out to go back to their dorms. You must’ve zoned out, like you have been ever since the Scouts came back earlier today. You’ve never been so unfocused in your life, simply because you didn’t like not knowing what was happening around you. This is so unlike you, but you’re not sure what to do to stop it. A dark cloud has settled over your shoulders, and you have absolutely no idea how to get rid of it.

“Yeah.” You sigh and stand up, squeezing his hand in thanks. “Ricky went to bed already?”

Stephen nods, with a concerned frown on his face. “I know you’re worried about him, (F/N). I am, too. A lot.” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to have to worry about you too.”

You wince apologetically, running a hand through your hair. “Shit, I’m really sorry. Look, I’m fine, I am. I’m just...thinking a lot lately, that’s all.”

The last thing you want is to have your friends take time out of their day to schedule an intervention for you. You’re not the one who needs it. It’s as though everything just makes you feel worse and worse - it’s just that you feel fucking useless all the time, and now you’re an emotional burden to Stephen, who just has to be sweet to everyone.

“You don’t need to apologize,” he says kindly, “just take care of yourself, okay?

“Yeah. You too.” You squeeze his hand again and then head out, beginning your aimless walk around the grounds.

The moon is shining brightly, an unwanted beacon to the despair brewing inside you. Truthfully, you’re spiralling, and you haven’t spiralled in years, not since you decided to take control of your life. There’d been no trigger then, or maybe life itself had been the trigger, and you’d holed yourself up in your room as your head spun out of control. Cheesy questions like what am i doing here and what is my purpose and am i ever going to do anything meaningful rose to your mind then, and they do again now.

Back then, you’d decided that the answer simply lied outside of Stohess. You still believe that, to an extent. Going back isn’t going to solve anything, but...what did leaving accomplish? Your desires are fulfilled, but there’s no purpose to any of this. Not when people were and still are dying out there. Is the only way forward to dedicate yourself to the noble cause of saving humanity? There mustn't be a person alive who can give themselves that goal and actually hope to achieve it.

Well, except one.

This time, you’re the one who finds him.

He’s standing by his horse, stroking the fur gently. Somehow you’ve walked all the way to the stables without realizing. You take a step back, intending to walk away, but the selfish part of you that you’re starting to loathe doesn’t let you go any further than that. You’ve missed him, so much. You’ve missed his bad attitude, his amused smiles, his tantalizing gaze. You want it back, selfishness and selflessness all be damned. Now that he’s here in front of you, it’s too hard to resist.

“Lieutenant.”

Levi looks at you, and his shoulders droop as he stares wearily. He looks like he’s aged several years, and you consider that he probably doesn’t want to see you right now.

“Sorry to disturb you.” You take a deep breath, willing your hands to stay still by your sides and stop clenching. “Were you going for a ride?”

“Yeah.” He takes in the sight of you and then lets out the slightest of sighs. “Do you want to come?”

“What?”

Never in a million years did you expect him to offer going on a horse ride with you, and never in a billion years did you expect yourself to want to accept. You’re so taken aback that it doesn’t occur to you to note the little stool he’s using to hike himself up (as though he can’t pull himself on - it’s a formality more than anything). Levi’s looking at you, waiting for an answer, hand outstretched like he’s actually trying to live up to the fucking prince charming title you’ve given him.

“Okay,” you agree softly, not really knowing what the hell else you’re supposed to do.

You take his hand and he helps you on - really unnecessary, you can get on a horse by yourself - and you swallow when you realize he’s placed you in front. If he wants, he can observe your every reaction to him, and see...well, you don’t know what he’ll see or what you’ll do, but you know it’s not anything you’re willing to show him.

He gets on behind you, an arm snaking around your waist before he instructs you to hold onto the saddle tightly.

Neither of you speak. The horse trots peacefully, never going too fast. The poor thing’s probably done enough running to last it a lifetime. You caress the fur gently as you enter the forest, the moon now cloaked by the towering trees, stealing away your capacity for sight. It’s not something you inherently mind, honestly, it feels good to just close your eyes and relax.

But deep under the guilt and midlife crisis (probably more than midlife given the world you live in), you’re still you. And you get restless easily, not to mention you’ve been craving a conversation with Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, and you don’t want to pass up the chance.

“How bad was it?”

Okay, maybe not the conversation started you should have chosen.

“Bad,” Levi answers without much hesitation, “really bad.” He releases a shaky breath and on impulse you place your hand over his, immediately feeling awkward right after. Do you grip his fingers? Pat him in a show of solidarity? You don’t know, so you don’t do anything, but you don’t remove your hand either.

After a beat, he says, “I was wrong.”

You wrack your brain about what he could be wrong about. Maybe about asking you to come with him just now. Your company hasn’t exactly been what you would call pleasant.

“About what, sir?”

When Levi responds, you feel his hot breath on your neck and you barely stop yourself from shuddering. He shouldn’t be in such close proximity to you. Doesn’t he know what he does to you when he gets this close?

“I said I wanted to see the day that smile got wiped off your face. Now that the day’s here, I wish I could take it back.”

You whip your head around, not even bothering to make sure you don’t accidentally hit him. Luckily you don’t, even though he’s not far from you at all, just a centimeter closer and the tip of your nose would touch his. In the dark, you can barely make him out, but the grey eyes that have fascinated you for so long are discernible even without any light. He’s watching you, so intently that your face burns up, and you pray to whoever’s up there that he can’t see you too well without the moonlight.

But can anyone blame you? Lieutenant Levi, the man who’d punished you for smiling, was now claiming that he missed the very smile that had made you the bane of his existence. You can’t chalk it up to his usual mood swings, because you know it’s not that. You know he’s trying to tell you something, and you’re so close to figuring it out.

You don’t even flinch when his finger curls under your chin and tilts it up just a bit so he can appreciate the view properly.

Even in the dark, you know his lips are just a mere inch away from yours. You wonder what he tastes like.

No.

You turn back around, heart pounding wildly in your chest. It’s wildly inappropriate to think about doing something like that. You can’t, not when he’s your trainer and lieutenant and humanity’s savior. Whatever this is, you have to reel it in control.

“I can’t,” you say, and then quickly clarify so he doesn’t get the wrong idea, “I can’t smile. Not when so much has happened. How can I smile when people...when they’re out there...when you and the rest of the soldiers have sacrificed everything and I’ve done nothing?”

It’s not as though you expect him to give you the most motivational speech in the world, but when he answers, “You’re going to sacrifice plenty in the future,” you feel overwhelmed with guilt, and you just want it to stop. He doesn’t know. Doesn’t know your plans, your motivations, or why you’re here at all. He thinks you’re someone that you’re really, truly not.

But you’re not brave enough to tell him any of that. So you opt for the other truth, the less relevant but equally as pressing one.

“I’m not strong enough.”

“No,” Levi murmurs in agreement, “but you’re going to be.” Both his arms are curled around you, and there’s something uplifting in his tone when he says, “4 AM tomorrow, understood?”

Just like that, your goal changes.

If the lieutenant thinks that you can actually be useful, then maybe...maybe you actually can. You’ve somehow gotten in the top ten without even meaning to, so it’s not too much of a stretch to think you could be really good if you actively tried. And he’s still willing to train you - even after all that’s happened, he doesn’t consider you an added bother to his already difficult life. And you plan to value that, now. You’re going to get better, stronger, faster. No more passivity. And maybe if you do this, you can ease the guilt brewing inside before you completely drown in it.

“Yes, sir.”

Determination has risen back inside you, but a ghost of a smile only reappears on your face when you hear him yawn, something you’re one hundred percent sure you’ve never seen nor heard before.

“Are you actually sleepy, Lieutenant?” you tease quietly, “it’s not even 11 PM yet.”

“You should be happy,” he mutters, “all your efforts trying to chase away my insomnia and it’s finally worked.”

If not for the trees providing you safety in the form of the absence of light, you wouldn’t be as bold to do what you do next. Closing your eyes, you lean back and hunch down, resting your cheek against his chest. He stiffens a little at the close contact, but doesn’t say anything or push you away. You won’t kiss him, but you can allow yourself this much, just to seek comfort in the safety he provides just by being there. He’s so, so warm.

The horse rides on, and Levi keeps his arms around you and on the reigns.

Truthfully, as you listen to his heartbeat, you don’t think you’ll ever know who comforts who most tonight.

____________________

The next morning, you’re there before he is, on your fourth lap by the time he walks up. If Levi’s surprised, he doesn’t show it. He only takes his new spot on the new grounds at this new base, and watches you from afar.

Naturally, he still barks at you that your stance is sloppy when you start doing your squats, asking you snidely how many times he’s told you that you need to squat down at a ninety degree angle and just what you did in your early mathematics classes if that’s what you think ninety degrees is. He still presses you into the ground with his foot when you attempt to do a push-up without going all the way down. And he absolutely still withholds your water privileges until you’re practically dizzy from your activities.

Except this time, you have no complaints. You do what you’re ordered.

And maybe stop to give him one or two pointed glares.

When he dismisses you, you find that you’ve still got a bit of energy left. You’re certainly not sleepy.

“Will you spar with me?”

Levi raises a brow, unimpressed. “So you can get your ass handed to you again?”

“I’ve improved!” you cry out indignantly.

“Oh yeah, you’ve made great strides.” He snorts, digging his heel into the ground and raising his fists. “Okay, (L/N), give me your best shot.”

With Lieutenant Levi, the thing that matters most is the element of surprise. Last time, you went for his legs, so he’ll see that coming. You quickly scan his stance - how is it that you two have spent so much time together and you still haven’t located a single weakness of his? Not that that’s what you’re doing anymore, but it would sure be helpful in a fight. Needless to say, you need to think fast.

So before either of you can move, you cry out in pain, clutching your side. “Shit! I - I think I pulled a muscle - ow, fuck -”

Levi’s beside you in an instant, hand reaching down to inspect your stomach. Damn, you’re a better actor than you give yourself credit for. As soon as he reaches out, you grab his bicep with both your hands, plant your feet, and yank up as hard as you can.

No, you probably can’t throw him over your shoulder. But you can at least try to whirl him around you and then tackle him while he tries to regain his balance.

Well, you could if Levi didn’t twist his arm out of your grasp within a single second and grab you in a chokehold.

“Playing dirty, are we?” he whispers in your ear, “naughty girl, I should keep you here an extra hour just for that.”

Gasping for breath, you pat his elbow repeatedly in defeat. Surrender, you surrender! After holding on to lord his victory over you just a little longer, he lets you go, and you suck air into your lungs desperately.

He doesn’t make you stay any longer, but nonetheless, you certainly lose your brawl. How disappointing.

“I’ll...get you...next time…”

Levi’s lips quirk into what can be taken for a smile. “No, you won’t.”

“Yes I will!”

____________________

You lose the next time.

____________________

And the next time.

____________________

And the next.

____________________

It’s a whole two months later when Ricky laughs again.

There’s nothing funny about the situation at all - everyone is freezing their ass off in the middle of nowhere and questioning just how surviving a snowy mountain is going to improve their combat skills. No one was brave enough to ask this question before, though, so now all they can do is deal with it. The problem is that your group is definitely lost.

“Well, this is great,” Gunther groans, sinking on his knees into the snow. You wonder how he can handle the cold biting past his clothes and into his skin.

Ophelia, who’s been pessimistic since the beginning, seems to take this as her permission to sling her bag off and completely give up. “We’re going to die up here.”

You huff. “We’re not going to die, but yeah, we’re gonna lose some merit. They’ll probably send a search party by morning.”

“T-tell us, (F/N),” Gunther says in that smarmy tone of his that makes you pity his parents, “how exactly are we going to make it till morning? You got a fur coat hiding away in those custom boots?”

Ophelia snorts and you narrow your eyes at him. “If I did, I wouldn’t share it. And they’re not custom, it’s actually a very popular brand item.”

“Well, mind trading with me? All I have are these ratty ones.”

“I do mind, actually.”

Ricky hasn’t said anything, only observed your interactions with a blank expression. You let out a pained breath, filled with disdain at seeing your precious oxygen visibly. Yeah, you’ve decided you’re not a fan of the cold, not one bit. You’re already one of those people who is cold all the time, and this isn’t really helping. Apparently no one has any idea, and although Gunther was assigned team leader, you decide to step in.

“We have two options.” You hug yourself, rubbing your arms in an unsuccessful attempt to warm up. “We could try to find some shelter and stay alive till morning, or…” You sigh, not really a fan of all the work that goes into option two, but it’s still the one you’re leaning towards. “Or we get our shit together and find out how to get back to the cabin tonight.”

You’ve got something to prove, after all.

Ophelia’s teeth are chattering as she says, “W-where the h-hell will we find shelter out here?”

“Nowhere. That’s why we’re gonna go with the other idea.”

“Someone’s eager to hold onto her position,” Gunther accuses, “even if it means sacrificing her team!”

“Oh my God, who am I sacrificing? Who have I sacrificed so far? No one!”

“Yet!”

You make a rude gesture and stalk off on your own. The others call after you, but only Ricky follows, grabbing your shoulder before you misstep and tumble into the icy ground. You groan loudly, this is so not how the night was supposed to go. You have to make it back.

“You’ve changed,” Ricky says all of a sudden. “I’ve known that for a while, and I know that we all have, but you’ve done a complete turnaround. I mean…” He hesitates, considering his words carefully. You wonder if he knows that just by doing that, he’s showing that he’s changed quite a bit too. “You would have decided to give up on this by now. So what’s the deal?”

Honestly, it’s surprising that it’s taken him this long to ask. Nonetheless, these days you’re glad to hear Ricky speak at all, so anything he says is welcome. That doesn’t mean you know how to answer his question, though.

“Like you said, we’ve all changed. I just decided to…” You trail off and shiver, rubbing your hands together.

“Give a shit?”

You give him a weak smile. “Yeah.”

Ricky nods, looking satisfied enough with the answer. There’s a slight shift in his expression as he peers at you. “It’s not out of pity, right?” When you look confused, he clarifies. “Not out of pity for me. I know I don’t matter that much to you - I just mean, if you feel bad for everything that’s happened, to everyone, you shouldn’t.”

Scoffing, you glare at him, with crossed arms. “Who said you don’t matter to me?”

“Do I?” He grins, looking genuinely surprised. “Me, the outer city peasant?”

This time you allow yourself to speak without thinking. Sometimes, the moment just calls for it. “Yeah, well, we rich folk have to do some charity work sometimes.”

That’s when Ricky laughs, and oh, how you’ve missed the sound. He throws his head back, looking up to the sky like he’s praying. Snowflakes coat his cheeks, and when he looks back at you, his eyes are bright, and he’s gazing at you in the same way you’re sure he once gazed at his poor, lovely little sister who couldn’t make it long enough to see her brother step up and become a hero of humanity.

Then he grabs your arm, yanking you forward.

“Come on, twerp.” He ignores your protests that his hand is freezing. “Let’s get you off this mountain.”

____________________

Okay, Petra definitely knows that you’re trying to compete with her for the number one position. She’s just too nice to say anything, so the two of you just silently try to outdo each other in every which way. Teacher asks a question in class? Either your hand or her’s will fly up right away. Grumman walks by? Well, the two of you are saluting faster than anyone else can even ball their fist. There’s an advanced exercise at 2 PM? You both finished your exercises early and are there at 1:30.

You’re not even sure when you started competing with her, but here you are.

And to be fair, you’re neck and neck with the star student. In classes, you’re basically equal, her because she works hard and studies and you because you retain information well and can play suck up rather well. As for hand to hand combat, you pretty much top your entire Cadet Corp except maybe Traute. When people are paired up to train to steal the knife from each other, no one ever wants to partner up with you (which both hurts and is rather flattering). Yeah, in a fight, you’re pretty much secure. It’s the 3D maneuvering where Petra has you beat.

Now, you’re not bad at using your ODM gear, not by any means. She’s just a damn natural. Any maneuver that takes you five days to pull off is one she can manage in three. A part of you wishes that she actually was a horrible person - then you could at least use your dislike of her as a motivator to beat her. Alas, you’re quite fond of the other girl.

These complaints are what you find yourself telling Levi one morning, after requesting that he watch you fly through the forest. Nowadays it wasn’t entirely unusual for you to stay past 6 AM, either doing extra training or just talking to him. He’d complied, and you’d gotten gear for the both of you to use in the forest.

Seeing him in action only serves to make you even more grouchy about your own skills. Levi’s already fast enough on his feet; with the ODM gear he seems nearly invincible and you have an inkling he’s not performing to the best of his abilities just to monitor you. When you finally tire yourself out, you grumpily toss the gear off, head out into the grass, check for bugs and flop down onto your back once you’re sure it’s safe. “I don’t get it,” you moan unhappily, “why can’t I do it as well as you can?”

Levi steps in front of you, his head blocking out the rising sun. Ah, perfect. “It’s because you enjoy it too much.”

“Oh, is that your professional diagnosis?”

He sucks in a long breath, which you know translates to you’re so fucking difficult, damn shitty brat. “My professional diagnosis is that you’re a dumbass.”

“Aww, thanks, sir! But I only take medical advice from licensed professionals.”

Levi notes your position and moves out of the way to allow the sun to blind you. You wince, squinting in the sunlight, and your hand comes up to shield your poor eyes. Averting your gaze, you peer straight up. In the middle of spring, from the open grounds down below, the clouds have never looked more beautiful.

“Wanna lay down with me? It’s therapeutic. The grass feels great.” You beckon him down next to you, but he shakes his head, instead choosing to deliver a small kick to your side. You hiss - someone seriously needs to do something about the lieutenant’s violent tendencies.

“Do you think I’m doing this so you can look at the pretty sky?”

Tossing your arm over your eyes, you say, “No, you’re doing this because you’re interested in me.”

The sound that Levi lets out is so strangled that you immediately look at him, concerned. He turns away from you for a second, scoffing with his cheeks tinted slightly red, and that’s when you realize he took your statement in an entirely wrong way. You’re a bit offended nonetheless, he doesn’t have to act like it’s disgusting to even think about you in that way. People have been interested in you! It’s happened, you’re a delight! He’s just blind, that’s all.

“I meant interested in me as a subordinate.” You sit up, knees hunched to your chest. “Now that Commander Erwin is in charge, everyone knows you’re going to get promoted soon too. Get a whole squad all to yourself.” Grinning at him, you let your palms rest on the blades of grass beneath you. “Hunting for your own lieutenant, Captain Levi?”

Huh. The title rolls right off the tongue. It suits him pretty well.

He looks at you strangely for a second, before holding his hand out. As you tug yourself up, he mutters, “Please, if I was going to have a lieutenant, I’d need someone competent.”

“Well,” you drawl, not bothered, “I’m not interested anyways.” At least there, you’re being truthful. Even if the thought makes you feel ashamed.

You and him continue to bicker as you walk across the grounds to put the gear back in the shed. While you don’t exactly walk slowly, you don’t go at your fastest pace either, itching to prolong the time that the two of you share. A stark contrast to the first few weeks you trained with him, when all you could think about was going back to bed. Now, nearly a year and a half later, you’re not sleepy, you’re not angry, and you don’t hate him.

When it’s time to part ways, you pretend as though you’re studying him carefully.

“What?” Levi snaps, but there’s no bite to his bark.

“I stand by what I said earlier, about you wanting a lieutenant.” A small smirk spreads on your lips. “But I also think you just have a crush on me.”

He stares at you. A second passes. Two seconds.

Three seconds.

You burst out laughing, hitting his shoulder. “You should see your face! Did you think I was serious?”

He looks at you with his eyes narrowed crossly, only serving to make you laugh louder.

“Minx,” he finally says, shaking his head, “a fucking minx is what you are, (L/N).”

____________________

“It’s raining!”

The excitement with which you squeal those words has nearly everyone rolling their eyes, but they follow you out anyways. It’s nice of them to abandon their lunch for this momentous occasion, rain during the summertime. You feel a rush of love for your fellow cadets, specifically for the three people who are right besides you. Of course you’ve always considered Millie your best friend, but Ricky and Stephen had filled a piece of your soul that you didn’t know was empty. This is your family, and you love them.

“Stephen!” Millie’s voice comes, scolding next to you. “Are you serious?”

“What?”

“He still doesn’t know what regiment he wants to join.”

“Leave him alone,” Ricky asserts, taking a swipe at her that she ducks.

“I know what I want to join,” Stephen mumbles, “I’m just not sure…”

Somehow, you know exactly what he’s considering. The rain gives you courage.

“The Scouts are wonderful.” Stephen turns to you, surprised, and you let out a giddy laugh. “They’re amazing. Brave, and heroic, and they kick ass. You’d do really well there, Stephen.”

You’re rambling, but by some miracle, Stephen takes your words to heart and makes his decision.

“Okay,” he says, with a wide smile on his face. “I’ll join the Scouts.”

Ricky coughs into his fist, something that sounds suspiciously like kiss ass. You’re too enthralled by your current environment to notice that, or Millie’s disapproving glare.

Bathing in the rain, you spin around until you’re dizzy. Droplets pour down your face, soaking your hair, your uniform, and you couldn’t be more thrilled. This, really, is what happiness is. The chance to fool around in the rainfall, to throw your hands up and feel precisely just how little of a speck you are in the vast, wide world. Slipping a hand into your bun, you let your hair down, closing your eyes as you soak up the thrill.

Everyone is chattering in groups around you. No one is mourning the lunch that has been long forgotten in the mess hall.

There’s grey eyes watching you when you open yours, a fond smile that you think he probably let slip past the tough exterior on his face. No one can resist this weather.

Maybe third time’s the charm. Even if it’s not, it doesn’t hurt to try, right?

You raise your hand and wave at him.

From the distance, still watching you closely, Levi sighs softly and then waves back.

Something you’ve never felt before bubbles up in your chest. It threatens to consume you as the others become a blur in the precipitation around you. You feel light on your feet, almost as though you’re not even touching the ground anymore. Affection? Adoration? For him?

Maybe it’s because of the stupid way he holds his teacup. Or maybe it’s the way he looks at you like you’re the funniest, most ridiculous person he’s ever met. It might be how his touch always lingers, how he’s always warm, and how he never fails to catch you when you stumble. How about that dumb cravat, why is he always wearing that?

His sarcastic quips, always ready to fire back at you. The way he brushed your tears away that time he’d found you crying. How he never pushes you to open up more than you want to, and how truthful he is. The feeling you get when he smiles or laughs at you, knowing it’s a rarity for him. His eyes, a blend of silver and charcoal that you could stare into for hours and still never get tired of.

It’s here, dancing in the summer rain, that you realize something that really should have been painfully obvious. There’s a reason you notice all these things. There’s a reason your heart is fluttering right now. There’s a reason that time has frozen, and there’s a reason you feel like you’re floating a thousand miles up in the air.

It’s because you like him. You really, really like him.

Oh, shit.

reader on her first day: wow levi’s eyes are beautiful

reader whenever levi is in front of her: damn he is so alluring

reader every time levi so much as glances at her: does he like me?

reader for two years: if levi asked me to have sex with him i would

also reader: omg i have a crush on him??? how is that possible?????

falling for a guy just because he finally waved back at you after like sixteen months is kinda weird but you do you girl.

one chapter left! :O