#it's no wonder sam has self-confidence issues

[boywifesammy]

s5e11 sam, interrupted is THE EPISODE. it’s a fucking cinematic pipe bomb. watching it is like chewing on glass and swallowing propane. it is wonderful, it is amazing, it is EXCRUCIATING and i love it. allow me to explain.

(under the cut because i ended up rambling lol)

like, yes… it is extremely ableist. it is extremely offensive. it is an overdone harmful caricature of psych wards and horrific to watch but that is EXACTLY what makes it so good. i’ve never seen spn as a horror show but man this episode?? the psychological distress of it, the unease, the dereality??? it has me frothing at the mouth.

as someone who has tics and PTSD i have first hand experience being labelled as Crazy so that’s the lens i’m coming at this from. this episode is most definitely not a reliable source for mental health info but the way they portrayed martin’s character kinda got me. him stuttering over certain words, his general paranoia, how they clearly address that he went through a deeply traumatic event but that he’s still useful as a hunter even though he can’t do the things he used to before. i don’t think the writers intended for this episode to be viewed the way i did but man i am shaking it around in my cranium like a snow globe.

just the first few minutes of it is insane. dean acknowledging that sam was high on demon blood and that the apocalypse wasn’t his fault. seeing the absolute absurdity of the show in perspective with real life. dean admitting to his psych doctor that he's an insomniac, alcoholic, and incapable of holding long-terms relationships with his usual blase nonchalance, then immediately clamming up when she hits him with the "let's talk about your father." ??!!! i know dean is The daddy issues character but i love when they call him out like that.

and how can i Not point out the blatant assault and objectification… wendy forcefully making out with both sam AND dean. them both getting probed by the fucking monster of the week not even 10 minutes into the episode. SAM BEING TIED DOWN. i cannot explain to you how much i love seeing him restrained. the moment i saw sam tied down and angry i literally vibrated out of my skin that boy must be helpless and restrained more often it is beautiful.

on a sort of related note: high sam. yes. just yes. the little nose boop. him telling dean I Love You. getting all emotional about how much he cares about his brother. the themes of his autonomy being stripped. him being drugged up against his will when he’s a recovering drug addict????? INSANE.

also one thing that really stood out to me was dean being diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic with narcissistic personality disorder and religious delusions. which, yes, is inaccurate, but seems more like a misinterpretation of his PTSD symptoms. dean isn’t schizophrenic but he IS paranoid and he’s trained himself so thoroughly to weaponize his feelings that even to HIMSELF he seems narcissistic, when he’s really just scared and desperate. he externalizes his self-hatred as this overfed bravado but it’s because if he was honest about how he felt about himself the guy would simply fall apart.

expanding on that note… sam&dean meta on how they react to trauma & grief. dean immediately clams up and becomes anxious and terrified. he shrouds himself in so much false confidence but he genuinely hates himself so fucking much. so much that he just sits with his pain because he thinks he deserves it, while sam wants to externalize. he’s angry and that scares him because of what’s in his blood but the truth is that he has every right to be angry. he wants to be gentle but he has so much repressed rage that it bursts out of him and leaves him terrified in the aftermath. dean on the other hand wants to be angry but he’s so scared and critical of himself that he shuts down.

and the ending. my god the ending. dean telling sam to wrap it up and stuff it down. it’s excruciating to watch because dean’s advice is fucking shit but it’s also heart-breaking because it puts into perspective just how much these boys have on their conscience.

they PHYSICALLY cannot deal with their trauma. it is so awful and overwhelming that they could not function if they remembered it, so they forget about it. they push it down. they hide it away, and it’s so fucking refreshing to have an episode that acknowledges that they do that because THAT IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE. it is quite literally a SURVIVAL tactic. people who are severely traumatized will wipe their memory of traumatic events because they cannot function with it in the peripheral. this is a clear manifestation of sam and dean’s PTSD and how when they’re faced with these problems, their emotions take over and they completely lose themselves, whether that’s due to fear or rage.

the horror of this episode isn’t the wraith. it isn’t the silly little monster sucking out people’s brains. it’s the thing inside you. it is the imagery of these people hanging or with slit wrists being passed off as suicidal because they’re mentally ill. it is the ugly truth of trauma and the ways it twists your memory and self-worth. it is the inherent belief that someone is worthless if they are psychotic or paranoid. it’s the way the episode puts that perspective on sam and dean, shows them what it’s like to hallucinate and drags up their own repressed memories and puts them on full display. it is TRULY horrifying and it is GRIM and NASTY because it is about the human psyche and the horrible ways it can be twisted. it’s a fucking phenomenal episode if you can read the subtext and get past the whole “scary psych ward bad” wrapping.

[daddyisastateofmind]

As You Like It

[Sam x Darlin'] [NSFW] [Smutty] [But also a little angsty, because everything I write ends up a little sad lol]

Hi - thanks for all the love on my previous fics. Every like and comment has brought a huge smile to my face. This one is explicit, which I have never written before. But as always, the stupid little plot bunny would not leave me alone.

"How do ya want me Darlin'?"

They looked up at Sam. God he looked good like this - in between their thighs, looming above them, about to thrust into their body. The black curtains could not keep out all of the late afternoon's sun, and it gave Sam's blonde hair a lovely golden shine.

Darlin' couldn't resist - they reached up and dug their hands into his hair. With a smirk, they answered "Hard."

Sam gave a grin in return, with just a flash of fang.

When Sam first said he wanted to wait and not rush into this, Darlin' wondered if some of it wasn't due to some confidence issues. Now they saw that was probably projecting some of their own self-confidence issues on him because Sam did not have a single problem with confidence in the bedroom. And he proved that to them - one orgasm at a time.

His hands got a good grip on their hips as he pushed his cock into their body. It was a long thrust, but with the power behind it that made Darlin' shiver when he bottomed out.

Sam paused, and his voice shook a little. "Ok?"

They nodded their head and re-positioned one of their hands down to hold onto his side. They wanted to feel his body move as he thrust. "Yeah. Please?"

Before they could get the word out, Sam was pulling out to just the tip, before plunging back into them.

He started with a slow, steady rhythm with long, deep strokes. Despite themselves, Darlin' made a small whimper at the each of each one.

But it wasn't enough for what they wanted. They tried to lift their hips to match Sam's, but he kept a firm hold on their hips.

"Sam...please...more...harder" they stuttered out between thrusts.

He paused for a second, with his cock still deep within them. Staring down at their sex, he used his grip on their hips to raise them up a little more. With their thighs spread out and Sam looking down at the hole he was currently buried in - god they felt exposed - but in the best possible way.

When Sam pulled out this time, he paused for a second, before slamming back in. Darlin's head snapped back with a moan. God, the man had perfect aim.

Sam took another pause. With gritted teeth, he bit out "Fuck, Darlin'...you feel....gods...just...you", before withdrawing and pushing back in with more force.

He continued the slow and steady rhythm from before, but each thrust ended with a smack of their hips, that was just on the right side of painful.

Their grip on Sam's side was slipping, so they slid their hand up and around to his shoulder. They hesitated for a moment, before deciding to dig their nails into his skin.

Darlin' took glee in the fact that made Sam stutter in his rhythm. His eyes were closed and brow furrowed in concentration, but now he looked at their face, and the naughtly little grin their lips were pulled into.

"Oh, you gorgeous little..." is all he got out before he took their lips in a kiss. He had stopped thrusting, so Darlin' relished the feeling of his cock stretching them out while his tongue melded with theirs.

This time when Sam withdrew, he drived back in with even more strength. Darlin' broke the kiss with a gasp.

Fucking them at a faster speed, his thrusts was causing their body to move up the bedsheets. Darlin' had to move the hand from his hair to brace themselves against the headboard.

Sam was resting his forehead on theirs. Both of them had their lips open and were panting into each others' mouths. Darlin' opened their eyes and looked at the adorable scrunched up face he made when he focused.

"You can go harder."

Sam opened his eyes and slowed his thrusts.

"You can go harder if you want, Sam. I can take it." they crooned seductively.

Or, what they thought was seductively.

It must have been cringy. Why else would Sam stop and sit up to look at them.

Oh god, he's gonna laugh at them. When they are exposed like this. No, just shoot them no-

"I don't wanna break you, sweetheart."

"You won't break me, cowboy. I'm tough."

Sam did that thing they hated - the thing were he tilted his head like a border collie and stared at them, like he was staring right into their soul. That was the best and worst thing about him - he was able to cut through all their bullshit and see their true self. They couldn't lie to him. Not by any fancy vamp power; he just knew how to rearrange their lie into the truth they were trying to conceal.

"Do you want it harder?" he questioned.

Dammit. This was never this hard with Quinn. He did what he wanted - if they did good he told them so, and if they did bad, he definitely told them so.

In retrospect, that wasn't the most healthy thing, but it sure was easy.

And while Sam also took the lead in the bedroom, he didn't take - he asked. And Darlin' was used to being taken from, not giving.

And oh how they wanted to give it to Sam - they wanted to give him absolutely everything he could possibly ask for.

"I wanna please you. I don't want you holding back on my account." Darlin' implored, struggling to find the right words.

Sam sighed and leant back down on his elbows. "I think you're under the wrong impression Darlin'. My aim isn't to make me feel good. Even though this makes me feel so, so good. I'm trying," A kiss to their shoulder "to draw out" A kiss in the divot where shoulder meets neck "every last piece," A kiss just under their jaw "of pleasure," A kiss at the corner of their lips "I could possibly make you feel." A kiss to the nose.

He stared them right in their eyes and said "I aint trying to get me off, hun. I'm trying to make you see stars. And if you need the full force of my superhuman vampire powers to do that, I'm happy to oblige. But right now? I'm just having fun seeing you writhing on my cock."

He started to thrust again, soft, slow, and firm.

"I'm at your service, Darlin'" he whispered in their ear.

They let out a deep moan and squeezed their eyes shut. Moving both hands to his shoulders now, they dug their nails in and told him 'Harder."

Sam did as he was told and put some more strength into his movements, making an audible smack as their bodies came together.

"More...please...harder."

He tightened his hold on their body and put more force into every thrust.

"Yeah, yeah, that's it....Sam...please....faster, I need you fas-"

Sam let out a groan and sat up on his knees. He adjusted so his hands were holding onto their thighs - keeping them spread - and starting fucking into Darlin' like his life depended on it.

The thrusts had the perfect strength, the perfect speed, the perfect angle. If Sam wanted them to see stars, he was on the right track.

They felt the pressure building in their lower stomach. God, so close.

Unhooking their nails from Sam's skin, they reached down between their legs to give themselves a hand. But as soon as he noticed what they were doing, Sam stopped their hand with his. He drew their hand and placed a soft kiss against the skin, before pinning their hand on the pillow next to their head.

"My job" he said with a smirk.

His other hand drifted down between their legs instead. For all of the roughness he was using to fuck them, his hand was light on their sex. Feather soft strokes that they thought would drive them insane. They considered begging him to rub harder, but they didn't have the brain power to do so.

"C'mon Darlin', come into my hand. I gotcha. Come for me. Come on this cock."

Darlin' took one last glimpse at Sam's face before falling over into bliss. They felt their back bow and their body shake, almost to the point they thought they would actually fall apart. But they wouldn't, not while Sam has them in his arms.

They couldn't actually see him - they didn't have enough control over their body to open their eyes yet - but they could feel his body still moving in them. They felt his hands as they moved over their body, his lips caressing the skin of their neck as he murmured sweet nothings.

So close to their artery. Was he gonna bite them finally?

Just as Darlin' worked up a hand to hold the back of his head to keep him in place, Sam jerked as his own orgasm overtook him.

No bite.

The two remained like that for a minute. Holding each other in their embrace and attempting to catch their breath by panting into each other's skin.

When Darlin' felt up to it, they turned their head so their lips were by Sam's ear and whispered "Such pretty stars." and gave the edge of his ear a peck.

Sam huffed a laugh and held on to his Darlin' a little tighter.

[lacktastrophe]

Seeing the beginning of the latest chapter made me think of something regarding Confrontation. So far, only Lucy has suffered from recurring PTSD from that chapter while Daisy recalled enough to understand that Augustus was linked to Alejandro in some way. As far as what I can recall from memory, the trauma from Confrontation carried on in two characters. (1/2)

This one came in a few weeks ago and I hadn't really been on Tumblr in a while, sorry Anon. Between a bad headspace and distracted it's been hard to concentrate on BCB these last few weeks.

I feel like so far; it's just Lucy, so far. Daisy has been through some traumatic events through chapter's like "Love my Way" and "Confrontation" but I'm not ready to accept that it was ptsd back when she figured Augustus out, she dealt with that like a champ without appearing like there was negative consequence. But with the way appearances have been in this comic recently, she utterly could have some sort of behaviour pattern we're just thinking is part of her character. It's really hard right now to nail down if particular behaviour traits link back to Confrontation. I feel the only real way to tell for sure is to have the story hold a magnifying glass like in the current chapter.

But I think that's something we might see in future chapters, because if it could appear like the kids could get over an evening like Confrontation without much issue (as we saw at the end of that chapter), only for Lucy to find a trigger point years later, it really is a question if they too have similar trigger points that they have stepped on/will step on, or whether they have and it's become part of their character, because we've seen some interesting decisions from them from time to time.

But yeah, I really can't say for certain, i can only really speculate that maybe we had been? But there's very little hard evidence.

But I've wonderrred~

I honestly have been wondering if the characters have been dealing with some form of ptsd from that evening all this time, but it's not at all obvious and it's been going on unnoticed as if it's been part of their character, or even reinforcing particular traits we've already seen. With the way the story's written it's pretty hard to nail down something unless there's a point where there is a magnifying glass over it, some frames and actions might carry multiple meanings, or at least a deceptive one. We've needed to wait until Lucy had properly come back to really learn there had been consequences, so now if it's true for the others, it's time to link up behaviours.

But regarding deception, kind of like these frames! I had originally read this thinking the marks in Lucy's palms were a ptsd response from an earlier point where she had remembered being involved in a car crash when Sam, her older brother, drove her one time. But that doesn't make sense when you think about it, because ptsd happens when there's something there that elicits it -- they're far from his car and they've just been walking -- the ptsd response is originating from Paulo's presence.

I'm starting to wonder if Daisy's sudden exit from the events in Date Night might've have been something similar, that subtle behavioural pattern we are looking for. In all likelihood this page just exists that to show yet again Daisy was unable to find the means to confess or keep Paulo's attention. The last couple of chapters have been making a few running gags about how she has managed to become a bit of the third wheel between Paulo and David (or I guess the 5th wheel when they all stumbled upon James and Mike). But Daisy's sudden exit and the last page of that chapters makes me wonder if there might be something more going on.

C'mon Daisy, you used to be EVERYWHERE when you were pining over Mike, but you can't do the same for Paulo C'MON....

It's a pretty big stretch -- and we're alllllll very much aware of Daisy's self-esteem, self-confidence issues and her struggles when it comes to admitting her interest in Paulo when he's gone after so many other women. Having her dip in moments like these is something different. It's like the energy she usually exerts just...disappears, it's weird she can't exist in the same capacity she did to Mike like in the very early parts of the story too. Is it still there or did that just disappear into the wind? Because there is this sense of powerlessness in Daisy these days? Does it go back to that same night where she was similarly way out of her own league and unable to do anything?

And (and this is a fucking huuuuuge streeeeetch) but I keep thinking back to Double Down and wondering whether maybe Paulo making a second ditch attempt to try and appeal to Lucy made me wonder if something from Confrontation could be involved with his constant need to chase Lucy.

Paulo x Lucy died on 7/7/17 in everyone's favourite chapter After You where Paulo had finally been able to ask Lucy the question, and she pretty much destroyed him by telling him there was no love, she used him and frankly he never had a chance. After that chapter and in Double Down we thought they were very much done. We thought Paulo had moved on.

.....Christ, Paulo really doesn't know how much he's fucking up already. No wonder Lucy dug her claws into her palms.

A little later in the same chapter, we see a vain attempt by Paulo's to try and assure Lucy to get her to open up again, kind of like how he became a shoulder in...well, Another shoulder. This is made under the guise of hoping that Lucy will return to the lunch table and resume being a friend, but in later pages, while it's possible it was honest, when the question of relationships comes up, or at least the status, we start seeing a change.

What happens after is Paulo suddenly turning extremely petty and aggressively competitive.

It's not uncommon to see Paulo resorting to some childish shit like he would in an early chapter of BCB, but such flippant moment like this one where one moment Paulo appears grounded -- ready to move mountains in accommodating her and getting her to open up more like she did years ago -- only to suddenly shift into what feels like similar behaviour from middleschool -- where things are almost a game in getting the attraction and attention of Lucy particularly when there's a rival, like Mike, or Augustus in this case.

And this moment could well just be another case of -- another day, another occasion of Paulo being a fucking idiot. We're all very much aware of his image and him always resorting to faking for his insecurities and how he tends to belittles others he doesn't like. We've seen this before recently too in chapter's like Time Out just to maintain this idea, where Paulo is admonished by his peers for acting immaturely towards Abbey, and then later losing his cool against him. Things are looking pretty normal here!

But I'm wondering if we should this time? Getting slapped in the face sure would suck, but Volume 1 (or do I just say early Omnibus these days?) Paulo lived for it -- He's a strange creature that sees getting struck in the face worth it because the attention is the payoff. But it doesn't happen this time; it slaps him out of whatever's currently going on and we see a tantrum mixed in with some actual remorse. The tantrum is understandable, it's further reinforcement he just does not have a chance with her. However Paulo admitting how badly he fucked up this time around makes you wonder if there's something more going on than just this jealousy we perceive, where Augustus has filled in what would've been his place had he not severely fucked things up with her trust back in back and forth.

Paulo blames his pride for storming off but is his pride really the issue like he claims?

I feel like similarly with Paulo's antics, we also feel like we might be familiar with his pride. But there had been moments where Paulo's pride had been tested, and it's...different from what you'd expect. There are moments where how we think he would react, he doesn't?

I'd think it would be a pretty normal response for you to be pissed off if you found you were used by the person you thought was reciprocating your feelings. It's demoralizing and degrading thing, but in Paulo's case, despite how his pride might be at the forefront, it takes a backseat here especially when it's obvious he becomes offended.

...But nevermind why won't you be my girlfriend?

What absolutely kills me is that Paulo just wants off the ride from that point but doesn't ask why she doesn't want to. It's possible he is just too upset and wants off the ride but he's also okay with just being bullied into going to Daisy's party, almost like she's calling a favour. Paulo chooses a weird time to be accommodating, like thanks for destroying my heart Lucy but yes I'll do what you say.

He should definitely go to the party though, so thanks Lucy.

Paulo might end up just being a simp who can't stop cute girls from bullying him like we see at the end of that chapter. We've come to agree with this over years of the comic, it's what we expect. But where's the real limit for Paulo's pride here when it comes to girls and when he's gone through enough pain and humiliation?

And then we get to one of the more recent pages, and despite EVERYTHING that has happened to this man from this woman, he's like this.

HE STILL THINKS HE HAS A CHANCE? SHE BROKE YOUR HEART TWICE AND YOU'RE BACK FOR A THIRD?

I get Paulo is not giving up and trying his best to be accomodating, but how much abuse can the man keep taking? How can you be like this despite being used?

I have faith in Veronica's storytelling. If she can just whip out Lucy's recurring nightmare in our faces so suddenly and that explains all of Lucy's behaviour between December to the recent chapter, then I feel like there has got to be something else that's planned going on here with Paulo. I am still absolutely preparred for the day where he really just is this pushover simp, but every part of me is screaming that there might be something else going on here, because jesus christ, this man...

That leaves the question of what, then? You do have to wonder whether he really did get off scott-free after that evening like what it initially appeared, it's very easy for Paulo to push things to the back of his mind and fake things out as we've seen with most times in the past. But did his pride let this slide as easy as it appeared? It doesn't take much for Paulo taking offense when being slighted by women, like Tess when she thought Paulo couldn't reach the level she wanted in a relationship despite everything he tried. Would it have been just as easy for Paulo to move on from being mostly incapacitated from a barkphobia and a beat down. He showed a lot of bravado that night but it didn't amount to much, so, you really have to wonder.

After that evening is Paulo doing some magic work with Daisy explaining that everyone has particular strengths. I'm pretty sure this was enough to help her get over that evening, but it's all things amazing coming from him despite the beatdown he received, but we do have to wonder if he was able to take his own advice because man there are fights he just isn't capable of winning, Lucy is just one of them. Did he really come out scott-free too?

So I wonder if that's it. Paulo might be not be giving up on Lucy, and appearing accommodating because he does care and hurt to hear she attempted suicide. But maybe Paulo's unable to let go for another reason, the chance for a relationship with Lucy is just not going away and he needs that, but why can't he just move on despite all the bad she's admitted?

Could we link it back to Confrontation? Could it be that Lucy trying to protect them (or at least just Mike) rubbed off on him some way given his mother walked out on him and the next best support he has is Daisy, maybe Lucy is a stronger rolemodel? So he's willing to forgive that so long as he has that assurance, perhaps?

Thrill of the chase used to mean something else, but that term's come up again, and while it meant Paulo treating her like an achievement, you have to wonder if there's a different meaning this time.

Well, we can only speculate. I'm thinking similar to Daisy, if there is something going on here, it's very subtle and likely already become part of their character. it's going to be as long running and likely as subtle and it's causing Paulo's to go back to chasing Lucy around like he used to, at least it feels that way.

Sue's a bit of an unknown given she doesn't have as much screentime. But I had always wondered if her continued insistence at being/trying to be a leader (Helloooooo Critical Hit) is just more than just something she does given it was in Confrontation where we saw her initiating attempts to find a way home and, well trying to mitigate Alejandro and try to defend Paulo throughout the end of that chapter. We haven't really ever seen Sue involved in a subservient role (I'm assuming she is definitely running their little MMO game) so I really wonder if there's something there in making up for not being as effective a leader and wrangling everyone to work together like she could in Confrontation.

At the same time I'm honestly embracing a wildcard surprise like Sue's mother likely enrolled her in therapy and it just....mitigated the issue.

But yeah, I have no answers.

[yeehawbvby]

Falling Away With You | Ch. 21

Sebastian x F!Reader and M. Rasmodius x F!Reader

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Chapter Summary: Mission: Abominable begins!!

Author’s Note: I keep getting frustrated at myself for writing Y/N to be so thirsty, but I’m also just writing her how I assume my character is in the game, given how harem-like Stardew kinda accidentally can be. So like.. yeah. ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧ She’ll eventually figure out that she’s probably poly lol.

Hope you enjoy! x

Table of Contents + Work Summary

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Magnus was super understanding when I told him that I wanted to go home and rest for a bit. I promised I’d be back later in the day, but told me with a sympathetic smile to take all the time I need to recuperate from my incident with his potion, noting that the mental effects may be drastic even with the physical symptoms gone.

It’s not just the potion I need recuperation from, I’d thought to myself with high hopes that he wouldn’t hear.

Deciding to take him up on the offer to just go back some other time, I spent the rest of the day sulking. Played a few online games with Seb, but just moped around otherwise. Wondering if that was all just an allergic reaction, or if it was my body’s way of rejecting magic… like, what if I’ve got ~the sense~ for these things, but can’t actually partake in any of it? That would suck, dude.

And then there’s the issue of that… lovey feeling that formed in me during the whole debacle. 

That isn’t fun either.

We’re gonna ignore that part, though!

The new day has been lazy, but much needed, after all that farm work and stuff yesterday. I made some crepes for the first time as breakfast, researched good kotatsus for the upcoming colder seasons, and did a ton of much needed cleaning around the house. Got some playtime in with Cannoli too, once it got darker and cooler outside.

Now, the little man’s laying on my belly and purring as I stroke his soft fur. Soothing me from spiraling into any self-deprecating thoughts now that I’m not distracted by chores. Hopefully I can be a good farmer, if nothing else… but only time will tell. 

I take note of how much bigger this lil’ man has gotten. He was basically skin and bone when Marnie delivered him to me like the goddamn stork, and now, he’s perfectly chubby, with fur thicker than ever before. It’s becoming apparent that he might be a Siberian, rather than a short-haired something-or-other.

I pick him up so that I can sit with my back against the headboard, holding him out in front of me once I’m settled. He softly meows, probably wanting me to put him back down, but instead I hold him to my chest like a baby and nuzzle my face onto the top of his head. His immediate purring soothes my soul. I guess I’m a pretty good cat mom, too. 

I still have plenty of time — several hours, actually — to kill before I want to go to bed, but nothing feels appealing. I’ve played through all my games and don’t want to spend money on anything new quite yet. I don’t want to go back to Magnus just yet, because… obviously. I’m too lazy to make dinner, but don’t feel like ordering in either. And, it’s a Friday, so Seb and Sam have had band practice and whatnot with Abby all day. Don’t know if I wanna impede on their ritual hangouts.

It’s times like this where I really wish I had more confidence and more friends.

My phone vibrates, and in my desperation to not disturb Cannoli again, I try to grab at it without moving much. Unfortunately, I just wind up kicking it further away and onto the ground. Fuck. 

Great to know that even if Magnus’ potion works, my clumsiness decided to stick around.

I apologetically kiss the fuzzy little head beneath mine before putting him aside, standing up and retrieving the device. I have a text notification from a number I don’t recognize. 

Preparing for it to be spam, I unlock the screen, and am quite frankly baffled with my findings.

xxx-xxx-xxxx > heyyy. stole ur number from sebby’s phone

xxx-xxx-xxxx > it’s abby

Why is she texting me? Why was she going through his phone? 

I shrug it off and quickly add her to my contacts and sit at the edge of the bed before answering. 

< hey! what’s up

Abby > him and sam told me ur planning to check out that weird ass tower

Abby > i want in

Ohhh, Abigail. Just as fuckin’ peachy as ever. The stresses of the past two days aren’t allowing me to cope well with her intrusion... makin’ it real hard to want to be friends with her. 

I sigh, silently urging myself to smile through the pain. It’ll pay off! If we can be friends, everyone will benefit, right? 

Right?

< fine by me

< i’ll keep ya posted :)

Abby > no you won’t

Abby > we’re going tonight :) 

…What?

Abby > i’ll meet you outside ur place at 12

WHAT?

< do i get any say in this?

Abby > c ya laterrr ;)

“Oh , come the fuck ON, bro!” 

I hear Cannoli subtly activate beside me and put a comforting hand on his back, eyes still trained on Abby’s texts.

I peer up a few inches for the time. Just turned 8. That gives me 4 hours to contact Magnus somehow (I really need this dude’s fucking number, if he even has a phone), figure out some sort of plan that’ll benefit us both, and get back home… Ugh. I’m gonna have to go all the way there, aren’t I?

I’ve gotta leave, like, now.

I’m in the same outfit I wore out yesterday, but with one less bra and some cozy gray shorts instead of a skirt. Now isn’t the time for a bra. I toss my white sneakers over the black crew socks I’d been wearing, grab my keys, and make a dash for Magnus’ tower. I use my left forearm and hand to flatten my chest, keeping the ladies from flopping around, while my right arm pumps, phone and keys clutched in its hand.

The longer I run, the more I realize that I’m not tired. Like, at all. My lungs are fine, my heart rate seems as low as it usually rests, and I’m not breaking a sweat despite the humid summer air clinging to my skin. I wonder if this is what Magnus meant when he said the potion would lower my fatigue, like, permanently.

I also have the jarring realization that these shorts are short and they’re riding up my ass and coochie and Yoba I’m gonna look like a fucking mess showing up to his house like this. I shake my head and right wrist briefly to stop myself from getting too distracted. Gotta focus on keeping my pace. 

Once the tower is within viewing distance, I check my phone for the time. About 15 minutes have passed – Magnus and I will have a few hours to get something done. I pick up the pace, only now starting to feel any shortness in my breath or dampness on my forehead. As I near the bottom of the cliff his tower’s perched on, I call out the wizard’s name, hoping he’ll hear me or feel my presence or something.

Thankfully, it works like a charm – just a few seconds after his title escapes my mouth, his response echoes within me. 

“(Y/n)? What’s wrong?” He sounds worried – must’ve sensed my urgency. I sigh out in relief that he was able to answer so quickly. “Is everything alright?”

“Not really,” I explain, making my way up the steps. “Abby wants to come here tonight.” 

“Fuck,” he groans, with his low and rumbly voice. 

My breath hitches because o-oh my god that was the first time I’ve heard him say The Fuck Word and it sounded so—?!

I feel the hairs raise on my arms and my heart rate and temperature only now pick up.

No, (y/n)! Stop it! Bad dog! 

I stop proceeding forward once I make it to the top of the stairs, breathe deeply, and blink a few times, in a desperate attempt to keep my mind empty and unable to be perceived. 

Noticing how my hair threatens to stick to my neck and face, I tip my upper half down to pull my tresses up into a ponytail. God, my shorts were already riding up before, but the bent over motion I just did is shoving them further into my crack. Luckily, I’m able to get them into a more appropriate position by the time Magnus opens the door. 

He asks aloud, “When will she be arriving?” as I give myself a once-over to make sure I’m not terribly disheveled. 

“She wants to meet me at my house at midnight, and work from there.” 

As I roll my sleeves to my elbows, I look up to meet his eyes, blue with concern. He sighs and runs his hands through his hair, his other on his hip, as he scans my face, and then my body oh god oh fuck and then my face again.

“Well,” he looks down at his feet in thought for a moment, trailing off. He seems to be in thought, but I could swear I just saw a flash of pink or red in his irises before they turned maroon again… Huh. “I must disguise anywhere that will be accessible, as well as bar off the basement.” 

Magnus meets my orbs again, looking more confident this time around. “I can perform an enchantment to rearrange the appearance of my home, but it will require plenty of energy. It would be too risky to try the same spell downstairs, due to its inventory. Would you be willing to complete a small task while I work?”

I nod, “Yeah, of course.” I walk forward, so that I’m not, like, shouting at him from the top of the stairs anymore. 

He lets me inside as he explains the first priority for the night. Magnus leads me downstairs, and describes that he has a statue down here – he calls it the Shrine of Illusions – which he can use to change his appearance at the cost of a drop of blood and some money. He has to do this, being how much different he looks than your average villager around here; and we do want him to seem like some guy that just so happens to like living in seclusion, after all.

While he’s talking, I gaze around yearningly at the bookshelves surrounding either side of the hallway. It’s been so long since I’ve read anything other than, like, fanfiction. Noticing my wandering eyes, he promises to allow me back here in the future, claiming a lot of these will help with my potential apprenticeship.

The room he escorts me to has some more books and a lounging area to the left, and the Shrine to the right, with a smaller version of the spell circle he has upstairs in front of it. I assume he needs to stand there or some shit for the shrine to do its thing.

After a warning that it’ll take him a bit to finish his transformation, I get cozy with a book on the opposite end of the room. The one I picked out at random – The Wizard’s Compendium: Oaths of the Corrupted – is an allegedly true story about the people who used to live in a desert in Galdora, now called the Crimson Badlands. It became dangerous and barren over time, due to a rising presence of black magic amongst its inhabitants. 

I want to focus on the book so badly. I’m genuinely interested in learning, especially based on what the summary has to say about it… but once I glimpse up to check on Magnus, I find it hard to revert my attention.

As he works, his skin glows brightly, like those fancy berries he’s cultivating outside. He sits cross legged, floating above the also glowing ring painted on the floor, with his hands splayed out in front of him as some funky lil’ stars twirl around them. A slight breeze blows his hair out of his face, and his expression resembles that of someone who’s sleeping: eyes closed, mouth relaxed, only deep breaths escaping him. 

He’s so beautiful.

Fuck. 

No.

Stop ogling. 

Wincing at myself, I sink lower onto the scarlet cushion of the sofa, and attempt to delve back into the book. Just when I’m finally getting lost in its contents, Magnus approaches.

“Alright, how do I look?”

Taking note of what page I’m on for future reference, I shut the book and all but melt at the figure before me.

Magnus’ usual gray skin is now a rich, dark amber. His hair is black with some gray speckled throughout, and his eyes are a deep and piercing shade of liquid gold, with some light wrinkles adorning the corners and bags. His ears are no longer pointed, but all else remains the same – he’s still crazy tall, still has the same features, and still has that stupid little beauty mark under his one eye. His clothes aren’t different either, but his earrings are gone.

Unfortunately, he looks stunning.  

I barely even notice how easily I fucking blurt that opinion out to him oh my fucking god, but when his eyes widen and a deep crimson paints his cheeks, I realize my mistake. My features mirror his in an instant.

“O-oh my god, I mean, um…” I stammer for a sec as I look down at the closed book in my lap, trying to figure out the best way to escape this situation. “I just…” There is no escape. “I didn’t mean to just…” I am trapped. “Fuck.” I am a dumbass. “Sorry…” I mumble in defeat, hiding my face in my hands.

I only look back up when I feel his hand comfortingly flatten against my scalp, prompting a squeak out of me. He’s smirking, and has a mischievous glint in his eye as he starts his response. That look isn’t something I see often... only from, like, Seb. 

My boyfriend…

Fuck me. 

“I appreciate the praise, (y/n).” His voice sounds more… silky than usual? Hello?! “Truly.” 

He removes the hand from my head and gestures for me to give him my own, so he can help me from my seat. I quietly and meekly thank him as I return the book back to its spot on the shelf. Then, Magnus explains our next steps:

I’m gonna be performing a low-level spell – one that he thinks I should be able to manage, despite my fucking atrocious experience with magic yesterday – in order to reinforce that nobody’ll be able to enter the basement until Abby’s gone. He doesn’t want me near him as he enchants the main areas, because one wrong move by me can throw everything off. He reminds me that we don’t want Abby to know magic is, like, an actuality yet. Any indication of what he does can turn this night into a whole thing. So, when I’m done enchanting the door, I’m to wait at the bottom of the stairs that lead down here until further notice.

I patiently linger by the top of the steps, admiring Magnus’ plants until he returns with a tome. He opens to the page I’ll need, and points to a specific section; he then mutters something barely legible, and a purple highlighter effect spreads across the lines I’m supposed to read. 

“Remember, (y/n),” he sternly orders with a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t read anything else in this book out loud, even as a whisper.” I nod, and he reinforces the point, his unfamiliarly dazzling eyes boring into mine. “The effects of any other spell in this book summoned by an untrained mage could legitimately become catastrophic.”

“Got it,” I confirm with another nod. I let out a shaky breath as I look away from his face. “No pressure.”

His hand still on my shoulder, he gives it a squeeze. “Hey,” he calls for my attention. “I am assigning this to you so that you can practice. It’s quite elementary, but being that you’ve never incanted a spell before, it is truly not an issue if you find yourself unable.” Magnus offers a reassuring smile, seemingly melting my worries away. “I believe you can do this. And if your efforts fail, it’s nothing that I can’t fix once I’m done with my own duties upstairs. Alright?” 

I nod again. Go off, bobblehead. I grin up at his kind features and thank him for the support, adding, “I’ll do my best.”

As Magnus climbs the stairs, he assures me he’ll need no more than 25 minutes, but reminds me that I absolutely cannot interrupt. 

When he’s gone, I sigh, and look down at the open book in my arms. I sit on the steps in front of the locked door, reading it over in my head a few times.

I fumble my words often when I’m nervy, but when it comes to reading things out loud, I’m a fucking disaster. I need to rehearse this a few times if I want to do it correctly… then again, I don’t know if I can do the spell, nor do I know how much mana I have if that’s even something I do have, so I’m unsure of how many chances I’ll get to get this right.

A few minutes pass before I hear things moving around upstairs. I’m assuming that means Magnus is already deep in his work.

Now’s probably a good time to try this.

I stand up, taking a few deep breaths and hopping in place a little to shake out my worries. I then reach out in front of me until my palm is flat on the wooden door, look down at the grimoire, and begin. 

My incantation is slow, and I’m careful to enunciate the words on the page. A few syllables in, something begins to tickle the inside of my stomach – it’s hard to ignore, but I do my best to push it aside. Before I know it, that feeling spreads, and suddenly it’s like I can distinctly feel each and every vein pulsing in my body. With only a few words left, the hand on the door begins to shimmer similarly to how Magnus did downstairs during his makeover.

And then…

There’s no fancy sparks, or any visible force coating the door, or anything. All that fancy shit… just kinda stopped once my words faded. 

…Maaybe I just have to test it for myself?

I take a deep breath, wrap my fingers around the handle, and swing the door open with ease god fucking damnit.

I wish I knew what had gone wrong, but I’ve obviously got no idea, and it’s not like I have Magnus here supervising or providing guidance. 

I guess I’ll just have to keep going.

[golbrocklovely]

I also heard Twitter chatter about them holding hands in the trailer for the next video, but it needs to stop, because they all were. I've been loving the peace and quiet so far and I'm hoping it stays that way for a while. I did see a very small portion of Kat's live the other day and apparently Ms. Snapchat had said she felt abandoned (probs. from a subscriber). From what I've seen her post on several platforms, I think that may be accurate. Also, when Kat asked who she should get to stream with her, people kept mentioning Stas but Kat just ignored it and said she needs lots of people. Wish I would've watched the rest.

Colby and Sam to be so active on Snapchat.. I'm living for it 🖤!! But poor Colby; his skin problems and that butcher of a hairstylist. He just doesn't need that rn. I just wish he wouldn't use filters so much. I mean, we can visibly see it on camera; so, it's not like we don't know. Although, I get his confidence and self image issues.

To touch on the handcuffs and I'm sure you know this, but since it's a kink, he probably doesn't take them automatically when going to a hookup. It's just pleasure play and a consent thing, and he most likely doesn't require the cuffs to be sexually satisfied. All fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes. Either way, he needs to get a new pair or sexier restraints. Maybe a blindfold and a flogger or feather too. Colby's kink kit.

what's hilarious is after watching the video, that clip of them all holding hands isn't even in the actual video (unless i somehow missed it) so like… all this fanfare for nothing lol

and idk if you're saying stas felt abandoned or kat did. either way, both girls seem to be doing fine rn. kat's with snc, stas is partying with her other friends. god knows they'll all meet up soon enough.

and i appreciate them both being active on snapchat too. it's a bit strange, since i literally never use snapchat anymore, but i'll keep using it just to see what they are both up to lol

colby has had skin issues since he was a teen, he used to get acne in the same spots on his face as he has now, so i wonder if it's a hormonal thing. either way, it'll clear up soon enough. and if it makes him happy, i don't think there's anything wrong with him using the filter. and his hair issues would be easily solved if he just pushed his hair back. idk why he doesn't.

and all the talk i was having before about the handcuffs was a joke and hypothetical. i don't seriously think he's bringing his handcuffs to every hook up, not to mention not everyone likes being restrained. and i don't really see colby having a kink kit. he's seems like a handcuff only kinda guy sksksks

[kudosmyhero]

The Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 1) #44: Where Crawls the Lizard!

Read Date: December 18, 2022 Cover Date: January 1967 ● Writer: Stan Lee ● Penciler: John Romita ● Inker: John Romita ● Colorist: {uncredited} ● Letterer: Sam Rosen ● Editor: Stan Lee ●

**HERE BE SPOILERS: Skip ahead to the fan art/podcast to avoid spoilers

Reactions As I Read:

Dr Connors starting to turn just as his wife and kid are about to visit

he's felt strange since working on the potion with Spidey last issue to bring down Rhino

heheh, all the people in the background staring gape-mouthed at Spidey. believable reaction!

i wonder when those underarm webs go away. i've gotten used to them, but they really distracted me in the first several issues

Foswell getting suspicious of how Pete always gets the best Spider-Man pics

i'd forgotten about Flash being drafted. this is during Vietnam… not good…

Mary Jane has entered the chat. Peter's first use of "M.J."?

this M.J. is certainly self-confident… or at least comes off as that way

I like how Peter holds his mask to his mouth while talking to Mrs. Connors over the phone

pg 17, panel 2: Spider-Man's ass, unflattering, front and center

Spidey assisted by doctor at the scene for a sprained arm

Synopsis: At the train station, Aunt May is going away while Dr. Curt Connors is meeting his wife and son. Dr. Connors reacts from The Rhino antidote he was previously working on and turns into The Lizard. Realizing this, he runs away but is spotted by his son Billy. The Lizard plots his human conquest and defeat of Spider-Man. As Aunt May leaves, Peter spots Mrs. Connors in tears and meets her as Spider-Man. Mrs. Connors explains her fear that Dr. Connors may have transformed and points Spider-Man to the tunnel. Finding nothing, he sends them to Dr. Connors lab.

Meanwhile, Peter heads to The Daily Bugle for more money and Frederick Foswell decides to shadow Peter as his alter-ego Patch to see if there’s a story. Pete meets up with Harry Osborn, Flash Thompson, and Gwen Stacy at a local café. While talking about Flash’s draft, Mary Jane Watson walks in and the boys are stunned. They’re even more surprised when Peter knows her and Gwen is jealous when they leave together.

In the meantime, the Lizard frames Spider-Man breaking into a jewelry showroom from the inside, having climbed up the building. Jameson sullies Spider-Man’s name as a criminal, but Spider-Man finds The Lizard and gets him to climb a building in front of the public, showing The Lizard can climb too. While fighting The Lizard, Spider-Man sprains his arm in a fall to a web mattress, but a friendly doctor tapes up his arm before the police arrive. Moments later, Spider-Man finds Mrs. Connors and lets her know that Dr. Connors has indeed turned into The Lizard but heads home to recuperate.

At night, Mary Jane calls and invites Peter to a dance but he declines fearing someone might piece together that he and Spider-Man both have sprained arms.

(https://marvel.fandom.com/wiki/Amazing_Spider-Man_Vol_1_44)

Fan Art: Amazing Spider-Man: The Lizard by MoviezAreMyLife

Accompanying Podcast: ● Swinging through Spider-Man - episode 44

● Amazing Spider-Man Classics - episode 31

[selfworthsam]

I Changed My Mind About Imposter Syndrome. Here’s Why.

Author: Self Worth Sam, Imposter Syndrome Expert, Professional Speaker & Trained Demartini Method Facilitator

I used to think imposter syndrome was when a person doubted their intelligence, skill and achievements. However, now I realize the problem goes deeper. The inability to internalize achievements and accept evidence of competency derives from the incredible power we all have to construct and completely believe a mental self-image and self-identity, even one that defies and distorts reality, and observable facts. Such an untapped power of the mind ought to be studied and cultivated. Imagine the power it could give a person. In this article Self Worth Sam will share with you why he changed his mind about Imposter Syndrome and why.

The current understanding of imposter syndrome is that an individual, usually a high achiever with plenty of evidence of success, intelligence, skill and competency, is unable to take credit for these very things. Additionally, such people fear being exposed as a fraud, a fake and an imposter for being out of their depth, and for having fooled everyone regarding their intelligence, skill and achievements. These individuals therefore experience anxiety, depression, they procrastinate in their careers, or in business, and in many other ways. 

There are a few ways to manage imposter syndrome, such as talking to a trusted friend, talking to another person who has experienced imposter syndrome, particularly because a second opinion of ourselves can (1) help us realise we are not alone and (2) the forming of positive relationships can support us through challenging times. There is also the ‘facing the fear and doing it anyway’ approach, which I tried for a few years to overcome the fear of public speaking, but it really only desensitised me. I didn’t want to be desensitised, I wanted to be inspired and fearless. These approaches can bring some relief, but they do not truly get to the source of the problem.

The symptoms of imposter syndrome, the self-doubt and the fear of being exposed as a fake, are distractions from the core of the matter: unclear personal values. In other words, if an individual isn’t entirely certain of their values, the values of others will infiltrate their mind, causing them to re-calibrate their self-identity in a false way, generating an impossible to achieve ‘ideal, successful and confident self’. 

The fact of the matter is many people have never clarified their values. Instead the values they think are important are often instilled and indoctrinated over many years by well-meaning parents, friends, religions, the media, and society – but rarely is an individual encouraged to determine their own values. Imposter syndrome is a result of being completely disorientated about what truly matters to them. This results in comparing to others, exaggerating the intelligence of others, seeing only one side to situations, jumping to conclusions about people, and never using discernment or objective thinking. 

No wonder so many have self-worth issues. No wonder so many people are uninspired, unfulfilled and confused – it’s because they don’t know who they are nor how to work out who they want to be. Instead, people accept this idea that imposter syndrome is self-doubt. It’s not so much self-doubt as it is self-deception.

I’ve changed my mind about imposter syndrome. It’s about knowing yourself. It’s about reflecting on yourself and what holds true meaning for you. Want to know your values? Ask yourself, where are you most organised and disciplined? What are the behaviors you do that no one needs to remind you to do? What brings you to life?

Those are the avenues that will lead you to the knowledge of your highest values. Seek and you shall find. Imposter syndrome isn’t about curing self-doubt, it’s about cultivating self-knowledge.

Read my latest book: How to Beat Imposter Syndrome and Be Confident available on Amazon in paperback, kindle and audiobook

Want to take the next step to beat Imposter Syndrome and be confident? Take my free online course

Need a speaker for your podcast, meeting or event to talk about Imposter Syndrome? Download my press kit

Dissolve your emotional blockages and gain new clarity and freedom. Schedule a private consultation with Self Worth Sam via Zoom schedule a session or Learn more

[supernatural-firstwatch]

Season 8 Episode 23: Sacrifice

SEASON FINALE AT LAST!!! Season 8 took me forever it feels like!!! So, how is Sam going to die at the end of this season only to come back the next one? It’s his turn. Dean died/went to purgatory in the last season. And since they’ve been alternating since Season 1...

- Roderick? Why is this Jody person calling Crowley Roderick? And who is his Jody person? They’ve closed down the bar! WAIT! This is Sheriff Jody?? I can never recognize her. And there goes Crowley, prepping a hex bag for her... Oooh, what are the brothers plotting? There is no way they’re going to be going along with this. So what’s the plan???

- Ok, so they got the whole tablet back together. And Kevin is in on the plan. And Cass is still going on with the trials to close Heaven’s gates. Maybe he should check in with the brothers...? Cause, you know, closing up Heaven while Hell is still wide open may not be the best idea.

- Awh, Sam and Dean are back at Bobby’s :( Man, Crowley is really letting Dean get that close to him? Hahahahahaha. Demonic handcuffs! They used the tablets as bait to get Crowley!!! Nice. Now they just need to “cure” Crowley.

- Oh Cass. You are still SO BAD at this!!! And the angels have Metatron.

- Oh, NOW they put up devil traps. Also, where are they getting the purified blood? HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! Now I want to know what happened to Penny Markle in the sixth grade and what Dean did!!! 

- This is a bad idea. I wouldn’t leave Sam by himself with Crowley for 8 hours... Oooooo!!!! Sam injected Crowley with his blood post-confession and his arms glowed! That means he’s on the right path. Also, is he going to be able to keep this up for 8 hours? I mean... That’s a long way to go and his body is hurtling toward the cliff face. 

- You know, forcing Kevin to translate the tablet is going to blow up in your face. You’re acting a lot like the demons.

- URGH! WHAT IS CROWLEY UP TO BITING SAM??? And then not saying anything!!! Oooh, he’s gonna use his blood to communicate. Smart. Dean better get back to Sam cause he’s gonna need help.

- GAIL IS CUPID!!! AND IS SETTING THE TWO GUYS UP!!! HAHAHAHAH!!! LOVE IT!!!!! DEAN’S FACE!!!! 

- Oh, Sam looks so bad. He should call Dean. He won’t, but he should. I don’t know that Sam can physically do this by himself. And there’s Abbadon!!! I had a feeling we’d be seeing her again soon. HAHAHA!!! Crowley is hilarious if he thinks Abbadon is going to help him. She was horrified when she learned he was the King of Hell. Pretty sure she might just try to kill him instead. And Sam’s unconscious. HAHAHAHA!!! “You and I are going to talk about a little regime change.” Yep. Saw that one coming a mile away. 

- WOAH! Sam just set her one FIRE!! There she goes!!! Bye bye Abbadon! Go forth and find yourself a new host! And then come back to kick some more ass? HAHAHAH!!! “You did good back there, Moose. I’ll deny it if you ever quote me, but I’m a proud man. I’m proud of you.” You’re so full of shit, Crowley. You’re just glad Abbadon didn’t kill you. Except that Sam wants to cure you. HAHAHAHA!!!!!! “We just shared a fox hole, you and I!” WHAT??? “I deserve to be loved!” WHAT??? I love how Sam has the same expression we’re all sporting right now. Clearly it’s working. 

- Man, Sam looks like shit. Crowley wants to know where does he start with a confession? “Where do I start to even look for forgiveness?”

- I KNEW METATRON WAS A LYING LITTLE BASTARD!!! What is he trying to pull??? He’s trying to cast out the angels from Heaven?? “Our mission was to protect what God created. I don’t know when we forgot that.” You failed at your mission. You did a bang-up job at trying to destroy it.

- Wah wah!!! Is Dean going to stop the trial??? 

- MEEEEEP!!!!! Naomi got her needle jammed into the back of her head. Bye Amanda Tapping! I’ve loved seeing you again! Naomi would be in Slythering. Actually, most of the angels would be in Slytherin. Except Cass. Cass... That’s a good question. I’m not sure. Maybe Gryffindor? And now Metatron is holding a knife to Cass’s throat. 

- Oh, Sam. “You finish these trials, you’re dead Sam.”’ “So?” ARE YOU SERIOUS, SAM??? What about your whole speech of you wanting to live because you see a light at the end of the tunnel and you’re going to take Dean with you??? You can’t just be like “So?” !!!!!!

- And Cass is back on the chair. OH MAN!!! METATRON TOOK HIS GRACE!!! AND SENT HIM BACK TO EARTH!!! 

- OMG I’m going to cry... Sam. Sammy. THESE TWO!!! “We have enough knowledge on our side to turn the tide here. But I can’t do it without you.” “You can barely do it with me. I mean, you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?” “Come on, man. That’s not what I meant,” “No, it’s exactly what you meant. You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can’t do that again.” “Sam--” “What happens when you’ve decided I can’t be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another-- Another vampire? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just---” “Hold on, hold on! You seriously think that? Because none of it-- None of it-- is true. Listen man I know we’ve had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I’ve said some junk that set you back on your heels. But Sammy... Come on. I killed  Benny to save you. I’m willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don’t you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you. It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I’m begging you.”  

I CAN’T EVEN WITH THESE BOYS!!!!!And now Sam is likely dying anyway because of these trials!!!! And Sam can’t breathe!! And Cass doesn’t have his essence anymore!!! And it’s not like he could save Sam anyway. He said that a long time ago, that Sam was damaged in ways he couldn’t save him. 

- WHY IS EVERYTHING IN THE MEN OF LETTERS BUNKER SUDDENLY TURNING ON??? OH SHIT!!!! OH SHIT!!! THOSE ARE ALL THE ANGELS BEING CAST OUT OF HEAVEN!!!!

Well.... shit.... Is it all the angels that have fallen?? And have to live as humans?

[dr3amofagame]

Dream tried to stop Wil from creating L'Manburg, Phil tried to stop him from blowing it up, BOTH value people over items and builds, Phil has said that they're replaceable but people aren't, Dream traded spirit for his best friends fishes (we kno he's not someone to talk abt feelings:[) BOTH were kind and selfless but used by almost if not everyone, BOTH were ready to be THE VILLAINS if it meant everyone else could live better after. ONE of them always had someone there, ONE didn't. Intentional?

aaaa sorry for the really inconsistent posts ,, im gonna try to post a little more in the next few days. i have a few things written up, so look out for them? maybe? for now, have this *gestures vaguely* thing ,, it’s kinda a mess but *shrug*

phil is such a fun character, anon, especially for all the reasons that you mentioned in the ask!! he’s a really fun character with a lot of complexities that go (sadly) overlooked by a large portion of the fandom, but he’s super cool even tho i havent analyzed him too much. hope you enjoy (and i hope my interpretation of c!phil isnt too ooc lmao) 

tw: mentioned blood, injury, implied torture/abuse, starvation, trauma, mentioned death, prison arc/pandora’s vault

When Techno first brings Dream back from the prison, Phil doesn’t quite know what to think.

“I don’t trust him either,” Techno assures him, but there’s a flickering anger in the backs of his eyes, one that had emerged ever since he came back from the prison with the other man in his arms, and Phil knows his friend well enough to know that the words are empty in the face of the piglin hybrid’s particular brand of to-the-death loyalty. He shakes his head in reply, refusing to voice his thoughts for Techno’s sake, at least, but the look that the other slants at him suggests that he’s caught onto them all the same.

At first, the work is thankfully mindless; even if Phil has reservations on the man that Techno has more or less dumped into his house, he would hardly wish the clear suffering he’s been through on anyone. The first few days pass in a flurry of brewing potions, wrapping and rewrapping dressings, stitching up cuts and setting broken bones straight. The damage is extensive; Phil has to take more than a few breaks to just leave the house and breathe - he’s far from a stranger to blood and carnage, had received the title of ‘Angel of Death’ for a reason, but even he had never been particularly familiar with this form of cruelty. Torture was a level of violence that extended beyond what even he was willing to bestow - his hands may have caused many deaths, and the weight of each one would continue to haunt him for the rest of his life, but even those had the mercy of being a quick end. The wounds and scars that ripple over Dream’s skin, thin and stretched tightly over his bones with little muscle and fat left to cushion them, speak of horrors that were anything but merciful.

“I didn’t know they were capable of all of this,” Techno says, once, as they huddle of Dream, wringing towels in cold water to wipe his feverish skin. Techno’s hand reaches for the ribboning gold-filled scars that remain from the execution - carefully, Phil raises his hand to let his fingertips brush over them as well. “I mean, I knew he was dangerous and all, but-”

“I know, mate,” Phil looks back at Dream’s face, tight even in unconsciousness, at the darkened, hand-shaped bruises that remain around his throat, at the scar that runs over his left eye, clearly meant to mirror the same one that makes its way down the duck hybrid’s own face. “You said that Quackity and Sam were working together?”

“Yeah,” Techno’s expression darkens, eyes focused somewhere on the wall, seemingly very far away. He said that nothing happened to him in the prison, and he seemed relatively unharmed when Phil activated the stasis chamber, but ever since he came back, sometimes he’ll have moments, and Phil can’t help but - wonder. “Quackity does the dirty work, Sam gives him the way in and out, probably also the tools to do it. It’s-” he huffs a short, self-recriminating laugh. “It’s bad, Phil.”

“Mate-”

Techno shoots him a look, and Phil cringes, knowing already that he’d used the wrong tone. Even with the execution, Techno had been adamant to hide all traces of his own terror and fear away from him, masking it all with fury for Phil’s own sake. He knows, just from the way his old friend looks at the ribboning scars that remain sometimes, that he is far from as over the whole ordeal as he acts, but Techno never wants to talk and Phil never knows the right time to ask and they smooth it all behind plans and explosions and hope that the TNT can blow apart the trauma, too. He’s got a sneaking suspicion that the same thing is going to happen, here.

“As soon as we can,” Techno starts again, pointedly shifting his eyes away from Phil’s face, “we’re calling a Syndicate meeting to figure out what we’re going to do about the prison. Like- come on, man, you couldn’t make a more transparent abuse of institutional power if you tried, really-” he looks over, uncharacteristic uncertainty warring over his features. “If you think that’s good, I mean-“

“Of course, mate.” Phil’s voice softens. “Whenever you’re ready.”

‘Whenever he’s ready,’ as it turns out, is easier said than done, becoming even more evident when their charge wakes up from his days long spell of unconsciousness. The worst of his injuries have, under their careful care and the benefit of many potions, healed enough to no longer directly threaten his life, but the vast majority have quite some time to go before being healed completely. Being as the goal was torture and not death, most of his injuries weren’t made to be life-threatening, but rather to cause as much pain as possible - from the grimace that twists Dream’s face when he struggles to force himself awake, they’re doing their jobs.

“Hey, mate, slow down,” Phil murmurs, pressing the man down by his shoulder when Dream weakly tries to push himself up and off the bed, and his struggling only lasts for a few more minutes before he gives up and slumps against his pillow, eyes cracking open and seeming surprisingly lucid.

“Where-“ his voice is wrecked, and Phil reaches for the glass of water at the bedside as Dream coughs. “Where am I?”

“You’re at Techno’s house,” Dream’s eyes widen and then slip closed as he processes the information, a wrinkle forming between his eyebrows as they knit together. “We broke you out, after Techno escaped with a stasis chamber with your book. Do you remember?”

Dream gnaws on his bottom lip. “Um- yeah. I think.” His head turns as his eyes crack open again- “Techno-“

“He’s out, right now. He’ll be back in a bit.”

“Oh.” Dream falls back into the bed, strength seemingly sapped from the short conversation. His breathing stutters, then steadies. “Okay.”

Recovery is slow. Phil doesn’t actually find himself seeing the man very often; now that he doesn’t need around-the-clock care anymore, he’s moved back into his own house, letting Techno do most of the work when it comes to rehabilitating the escaped convict crashing at his house. As he begins to spend more of his time awake and aware, he brings a whole slew of new problems; Phil catches him screaming one day, blurting harsh, angry words as Techno reads, unbothered from the other side of the room, and he stops in his tracks standing awkwardly in the doorway.

“Um-“ he winces when Dream curses, smashes something against the floor, and then curls into himself at the sound. Techno doesn’t even flinch. “Am I interrupting something?”

Dream stomps away, face flushed, arms wrapped around himself. Techno raises an eyebrow.

“You lookin’ for something, Phil?” he asks, and the unpleasant knot in Phil’s chest refuses to unwind.

The episodes, unfortunately, don’t seem to get much better. Though he’s rarely outright violent, Dream looks constantly murderous, usually muttering underneath his breath about something or another while he stalks the grounds of Techno’s house. It’s not too long before Techno sends him out to work around the house instead of just moping within the cottage, which also means that Phil sees him a lot more - tending to a small farm behind the house, feeding the dogs, hacking away at mobs, and usually complaining the entire time. It’s unnerving, even as injured and unarmored as the man is, to see him walking around like this; despite his rather pathetic appearance, swamped in sweaters that dwarf him thoroughly and thin enough to look like the slightest breeze will knock him over, his eyes are flinty and intelligent and bubble with promises of revenge.

“FUCK!” Phil turns to see him slamming a shovel into the snow, stomping away into the woods, and his hands tighten around his cup of tea. Next to him, Techno shrugs.

“Nerd’s got a few issues,” he drawls, and Phil laughs shortly.

“That seems like an understatement.”

“He’ll ease up in time,” Techno sounds surprisingly confident, completely content despite the muffled curses that come from the woods next to them. He’s probably used to it, with Chat and all, but Phil can’t quite seem to find the same calm.

“I just don’t know, mate,” Phil shakes his head. “You sure having him around is the best idea? He doesn’t seem...stable.”

Techno looks up at him over the rim of his cup of coffee. His head tilts, considering, but there’s a small smile on his face that tells Phil that Techno, inexplicably, doesn’t share the same sentiments. There was always a part of him that was, for the lack of a better word, softer than the rest of the server for his self-proclaimed rival, a sort of understanding that Phil could hardly hope (nor would really want to) understand.

“Don’t worry, Phil, if he tries anything I can always just tie him up in the attic or something,” Phil huffs a small laugh, amused, and nods to concede the point. “And- well, call it intuition. You could really try talkin’ to him, you know. He reminds me of you, sometimes.”

The words stick in his head despite his best efforts, rattling in his skull when he tries to sleep, lingering when he catches glimpses of the green-clothed man stalking around their properties. He can’t imagine what would’ve prompted his old friend to make the comparison, can’t think of a single thing (besides their affinity for the color green) that would mark him as similar to the - from what he’s heard - deranged menace with a particular penchant for destruction (not that his rants and fits of anger are doing anything to correct that impression). Even so, Techno had sounded so sure when he’d made the comparison, the words offhand like he’d thought them a million times before, like it was a simple observation that held no more weight than commenting on the color of the sky. Phil watches as Dream lugs a pile of logs behind him, huffing at one of Techno’s dogs that comes to chase and nip at his feet and grumbling loudly before faceplanting into the snow. He just...can’t see it.

Days later, Wilbur comes to visit, a grin on his lips as he dramatically recounts his newest exploit: a nation by Las Nevadas, a supposed safe haven away from the glitter and glory of Quackity’s city; it sounds brilliant, it sounds lovely, and more than anything it sounds stupid, and Phil tells him as such immediately.

“You’re being reckless,” he rants at his son, wings flaring outwards and only barely noticing Dream watching from the corner of his eye, “What are you doing- picking fights with Quackity? Starting another nation- didn’t you see what happened to the first two you made? You’re going to get yourself killed, Wil!”

“Well, I’ve already seen what’s on the other side of death, and it’s really not that bad-“

“You’re my son!” The words are angrier than Phil would’ve liked, and he knows that he looks ridiculous and overbearing, criticizing the actions of his fully grown son, but all he can see is Wilbur’s face, slack with pain and grief, stained with ash and soot as his eyes flutter to half-mast in the midst of the rubble of a country he loved and destroyed and destroyed him in turn. “I can’t lose you again, Wil!”

Wilbur doesn’t quite storm out, but it’s a near thing, leaving with a clipped goodbye and leaving Phil seething on his doorstep. He spends the rest of the night pacing around the house in a sort of mad frenzy, wings stretching and folding over and over. Not for the first time, he longs for the sky, to feel the air through his wings and let the world fall into pinpricks below him; it’s this that leads him to the roof of his house, staring stubbornly at the clouds as the sun sinks down to the horizon.

“Hey.”

Phil startles; there, down below him, is Dream. He rocks back on his heels, seeming awkward, before clambering up the wall (Phil rolls his eyes at the ease with which he scales it, the feeling in his chest almost fond) and settling himself on the shingles at Phil’s side.

“Hey, mate,” Phil shakes his head. The fondness leaves, and the irritation that had risen at Wilbur’s words, earlier, comes back full-force. “Sorry- Wil came to visit, we talked. I just needed some time to think.”

Dream hums in acknowledgement, and they fall into a comfortable silence, watching as the sun dipping down past the mountains in the distance.

“You know,” Dream starts, sudden, “I told him the same thing.” He looks up at Phil, eyes faraway with old memories. “Wilbur, I mean. When he made L’manburg- I told him he was being reckless.” He shrugs. “I guess he never listened.”

Phil pauses, Techno’s words ringing in his ears. He reminds me of you, sometimes.

Dream looks surprisingly normal up close - face no longer reddened with fever or pale from blood loss, even the scars fail to really take from the boyishness of his face. He bites his lips, eyes falling away at Phil’s scrutiny, golden blond hair flopping over his forehead, newly trimmed to be something a little closer to his old length, at least in the front, the back pulled into a small ponytail. He’s young, and shockingly awkward, teeth worrying his lip, hands fiddling with each other, shifting his weight from one foot to the other several times a minute. He looks like a kid.

“He never does,” Phil lets himself smile, watches as Dream smiles back, almost like they’re sharing a joke. He wonders how well he really knows the man behind the mask. “Want to come in for some tea?”

Dream smiles wider, and something old and worn in Phils chest, knocked loose ever since he felt his son fall limp in his arms with his own sword shoved between his ribs, falls back into place.

“That would be great,” Dream replies, the words almost hopeful, and they go inside.

[stuckybarton]

Sucker For Pain i

SUMMARY: You were new to the team, but what everyone didn't know was you weren't so new to the God of Mischief. CHARACTERS: Loki Laufeyson x Ex!Reader [Ex to Lovers again?] WARNINGS: Profanities. Suggestive Themes. Slight Angst and horrible self-image. Grammar Mistakes. English not being my first language. [Not Beta’d tho] WORDS: 2,956 CHAPTERS: [1/3] A/N; Life happened and yeah, didn’t have much time to write. Not my best work for this mini-series, but I’m fighting through for this. Hope you guys enjoy~

PART TWO | PART THREE

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"Agent Y/N Y/L/N." You introduced yourself the first moment you were escorted into the compound by Director Nick Fury. Multiple sets of faces both new and old had come to greet you. For a moment you wouldn't even believe that this is was the new life you would find yourself to be a part of from now on.

Years in the job for SHIELD before disappearing off the grid to get as much information about HYDRA, everyone had thought you had betrayed them and you had accepted that they would think so lowly of you after all the near-deaths you had to endure on the job. Even with the mission becoming more of a death wish, you had accepted the role Nick had given you all those years ago and now you were rewarded, immensely. A spot on the Avengers as part of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

The familiar face of Nat was the first to greet you with a hug. A fiercely tight one, it had been so long since you've seen a friend. Then your eyes fell towards the rest of the team; Bucky Barnes, who you had a few close encounters with during your time with HYDRA. You had witness everything they had done to him and stood on trail to clean his name. Steve Rogers, who, with Sharon Carter, had assisted in guarding Steve while SHIELD was still under HYDRA's control. But among the familiar faces, one stood out the most.

Loki Laufeyson.

To many, the man was a snake, a God that had once brought death and destruction in New York. But to you, he was different, this was the man that you had spent your lonely nights with while under the guise of a traitor. It had once just been a physically thing between the two of you, neither wanting to know about each other's lives. You knew he was a God, a man that had wronged the world, but he had never known about you, the woman that had painted yourself as a traitor for the better of the world. The one that had been called every name on the book for the sake of making sure you did your part right.

Then it got serious between the two of you. Admission of love was told between both of your lips. But it was dangerous for you two to be together especially when you were already told by Fury that you can come back to the surface. You didn't know what side he was on, and you did not have the heart to make him choose if the time would come.

So you two parted. A month ago. The pain still throbbing you like an unattended bullet hole right through your heart. It was still so painful to look at him and not remember him crumbling on his knees begging you to stay. The first sob that escaped his lips and forever haunted your dreams. A never-ending loop in the back of your head as your demons screamed at you for breaking an already broken man.

"I for one am happy you're finally here. Another woman to add to an already Man's Man world in the compound." Nat teased glancing towards the other individuals that had come to know the new face. "With introductions out of the way, you've got a lot of explaining to do for the past few years."

You could only smile at your friend. You did have so much to explain to her, things had been murky between you and Clint, but after everything, Nat had refused to believe you would betray them, betray her, and it was finally a relief to be able to return back home, seeing the people that mean the most to you.

"Tell me about it." You muttered allowing Nat to quickly pull your away from the crowd, but it missed your eyes how he was still looking. Ice blue eyes a contract to the burning gaze he had towards you.

Forget about him. Forget about him. You were here for a new opportunity. No him. Never him.

For the next few weeks, everyone had grown to accept you in your new role as part of the Avengers. You kept up with Steve, Bucky, and Sam during their runs. Sam more than happy to finally have someone that had the same pace as him, but only for you to laugh and out run him just to get a reaction out of the high flier. Tony and Bruce had also found a kinship in you, having provided them enough information about HYDRA's experiments and location made most of their missions easier. Then there was Nat and Clint, your confidant in this new life. Every single moment that was not dedicated to a mission was spent with them; may it be movie night or a simple get together outside the compound, often times bringing Wanda and Vision along just to mess with you and call you a 5th wheel of the group.

But among number of members on the team, everyone had noticed you constantly avoided one Thor Odinson and one Loki Laufeyson. The only real time you would even dare talk to either of the brothers would be during training--other than that, you tried your best to avoid them, Loki most especially. Every single moment that would force the two of you to be in the same room, Loki had a glare while you tried your best to avoid his gaze.

Everyone noticed, everyone didn't seem to worry too much. It comes with having a former-villain part of the team. They thought you would eventually get used to the God's presence just as much as they did.

"You ever gonna tell me what's going on between you and Loki?" Nat inquired avoiding your punch.

What you hated the most about sparring with Nat was her capability of multitasking. Talking and snooping about someone else's business while also kicking their ass in the process--this was the predicament you were in right in this very moment.

"Nothing is going on." You muttered landing back first on the mat after being thrown like a rag doll by Nat. Eyes looking at the ceiling, you wondered if it was a good idea to actually come clean to her about her past with the God of Mischief. "I know what he's done to New York and I think you can't blame me for taking precaution when it comes to him."

Nat now comes hovering on top of you, the narrowed eyes and gentle smirk was all you needed to know--she knew it was bullshit. But when she had stopped pushing you for more information, it was enough for you to just change the subject.

"They found Dominic?" You inquired. One of the first big missions that everyone was focusing on was one of the leading Scientist for HYDRA. With the exposure of HYDRA to the world, some of them had moved away and found themselves in much shadier company, much to everyone's radar now spiking.

Dominic Wagner was, in part, partially responsible for the Winter Soldier program in the modern era. One of the pioneers in moving the project into a much younger sets of test subjects. You lost contact with the man as soon as your got back into the surface, but it had also meant a target was on your back when they found out you were a double agent.

"He's in Russia. Wasting away all the funding for the program with parties" Nat points out. "Still a better way to spend the money that abducting kids everywhere."

You nodded, memories of files upon files for the prospects still haunted you to this day.

"When are you taking him out?" You inquired. In your time with the SHIELD, the red in both of your ledger had made you two a hot commodity if the situation present itself as shoot to kill. Neither of you would hesitate. You knew you would now, after everything, but if it means one less bad people in this earth, you would swallow your new morals.

"Fury wants him alive." She pointed out finally standing back up to her own two feet, leaving you on your back, staring at the ceiling in deep thought. "I know as much as you do, we want him dead for everything he has done, but we need him alive so we can get the others."

You nodded, this was one of the few things you had to get used to as part of the team. Death was best solution in SHIELD--at least in your team, not here. As long as you were part of Steve's team, you would need to choose whether or not killing would be the best option. Hope that you weren't so blessed to be given in your time under.

"I get a first shot when we don''t have any use of him anymore." You muttered finally standing back up with Nat's help. Steps faltering at the sight of the God of Mischief, training with the likes of Peter Parker, Sam Wilson, and Bucky Barnes. A weird mix up, but wasn't hard to understand why.

"Why don't you shoot your shots with him for now." Nat teased, finally making you break from staring at the plain black shirt and green sweatshort-clad Loki Laufeyson. "If we try to ignore the death count during his attack, he is sort-of your type in men." Nat wiggled her brows. quick to avoid you as you attempted to swat her in the ass, eyes now turned away from God and his training partners.

"By type, you mean psychotic with possible Daddy-issue? Then you might just be right." You snort.

"I'm offended you think of me as such, Darling"

Jerking your head to the owner of the voice, how the hell did he sneak up behind you without you noticing. You glanced at Nat in panic and like the traitor that she was, made a terrible excuse of being needed in Bruce's lab. Now being left in the man's presence, you could all but remember the last time you had been this close to the man.

Heartbreaks.

Words that you didn't mean.

Words that he didn't mean.

It still hurt you, and you were sure it hurts him just as much, if not more now, finally realizing why there had been a need for a breakup between the two of them all those weeks ago.

"Here I thought I would have someone to trust. You mortals continue to disappoint me." He hissed.

Your eyes glanced at the other training trio, noticing all three of them were in their own little world to even noticed what was going on between the two of them.

"Tell me, Darling..." He whispered, head leaning towards the shell of your ears. The familiar shiver run through your skin as just his voice. Memories of the very things his silver tongue had whispered had you flustered and breathless, more than from your earlier training with Nat. "Was it satisfying to play with a God?"

Before you could even mutter a word, his constantly gentle hand now covered your jaw, emitting a squeak from your lips and stopping you from saying a word. He was never this forceful, nor did he do anything that would hurt you. Was this the true nature of the man you had finally thought you have been the best part of you. To have loved a man that everyone was right to stay away from?

"Or is it shame finally coming to you, to be ever involved with someone like me?"

You tried to pry his hand away from you, but he was too strong--stronger than you could ever think of being.

"Or is this you taking your opportunity to move from one bed to another? Who will it be this time, Y/N? My oaf of a brother or will it be Soldier out of time? Who will you whore this time?"

And you finally snapped. With a resounding slap, all three individuals had heard your attack on the man and Loki finally releasing his hold on your jaws. A chuckle escaped his lips and only brought the first line of tears to fall from your eyes. You never wanted to believe him to be a monster, but here he was, proving her wrong.

"I am in doubt of the foundation of our relationship for the past years, Y/N. I am the God of Mischief and Lies and the only mortal I had ever truly opened to had done this to me. Lied to me for such a long time, lied about the entirety of our relationship."

"You will never understand."

"Oh no," he chuckled darkly, eyes glaring straight into your own. "I understand well enough to know, you would never love someone like me and I deserve every lie and heartache I am enduring because of everything I have ever done in my past."

Before you could defend yourself and the genuinity of your relationship with the God, he had made his excuse. Leaving you to ponder of the true damage of your breakup with Loki, and the aftermath it had now held for the both of you. He was right, you had lied, and either way, their relationship will fall apart because of those lies.

He was the God of Mischief and Lies.

Yet, he did not expect for this biggest lie to break him the most. The separation had been painful, he had always hoped for a better life with you. Then a month passed since your breakup, he sees you, it hits him like a sharp knife to the chest all over again. He experience the pain of a stab to the chest, but it would never compare to the pain of seeing you in this very compound with the truth of your life that you refused to ever open to him.

This was karma coming to haunt him it seems.

It had been well over a week now since the first time he had actually confronted you about everything. It wasn't how he planned for things to go through. He never wanted to hurt you, but he was a monster after all. A monster that his own father had told his people to avoid. A bedtime story to scare mischievous kids into submission.

He had always thought after everything he had to endure, had to do, had to escape, he could finally live a peaceful life. A life to finally start anew. A life where he could finally change for the best. A mortal woman had made him make those ideas come into reality, you had always became the reason why he would never have his redemption in life.

A bitter idea with no possible resolution.

How could he have ever believed that anyone would ever love someone like him? After everything he had ever done, he was never allowed to be loved. You had proved that somehow.

'Mr. Laufeyson, you are needed for a meeting with the team'

Breaking from his little bubble. He sighed finally returning back to reality, into the little comforts the library could give him. The week had been gruelling for him, three individual witnessed the altercation between himself and you. It had spread like wildfire, but thanking the Gods that no one was able to listen to the conversation.

He had to endure most of the questioning. In everyone's eyes, he was, after all, still under everyone's constant scrutiny. A man that no one could trust. But he refused to say a single word knowing you did the same thing. It was better to keep your mouth shut instead of letting people know exactly what had happened. Somehow that brought a smile on his face. He might not share a future with you, but might as well make the most out of making your life a living hell, as much you did it to him.

Shutting the book he was barely even reading, he placed the book back into the shelf before walking his way towards the meeting room.

He could easily teleport, but he preferred to enjoy his moments of peace without his oaf of a brother breathing down his neck or Stark constantly testing his patience with his quips. It also gave him a moment to school his features, he knew well enough about the mission to know you would also be in attendance. Be more invested in this mission than anyone else.

It was a few things he was relearning about you now that you were out in the open as everyone claims you to be. You were a free spirited being that could meld with anyone you were in the area with. He had watched you throw relentless jabs at Tony during your first few days that had the man surprisingly raise a white flag. But the most dangerous thing he had to learn was the familial relationship you had with one Natasha Romanoff and Clint Burton, two people that he kept his distance with the most.

"Professor Snape has finally graced us with his presence."

Loki has learned since joining the team to choose his battle when it comes to Tony. This was one of those moment. Finding a vacant chair besides his brother, he had taken his seat. A big mistake on his part as he finds from across the table, you sat. In between a glaring Romanoff and Barton.

Wearing a smirk, just to get on the two super spies' nerve, he turned his attention right back into the meeting. He begins formulating a few little schemes to not only get on the two's nerved, but most especially yours.

[longitudinalwaveme]

Writing the Rogues

So, as anyone who has followed this blog for more than a day or two probably knows, I write a lot of fanfiction, especially about the Flashes and the Rogues. Here’s some observations I’ve made about writing these characters: 

1. Sam Scudder’s basic personality is easy to write (self-confident, dramatic, and vain), but if you want to write about him in any depth you basically have to make up a backstory for him wholecloth, since the comics give us very, very little information about where he came from. I basically have an entire Sam Scudder spotlight issue that exists only in my head that I use for the purposes of characterizing him. 

2. James Jesse is easy and fun to write if he isn’t the POV character. Getting into his head is surprisingly difficult (except if you’re writing him as a child, which I’ve done once or twice). It’s hard to know how much of his zaniness and childishness should be an act, and how much should just be a natural part of his personality. It’s also hard for me to get a read on how secure in himself he really is. 

3. Roscoe Dillon is one of the easiest POV characters for me, because I write him as being on the autism spectrum (an idea I borrowed from the wonderful fanfics of @gorogues). As I am also on the spectrum, characterizing him is pretty easy. This is obviously not the only way to write the character, but if you want to write him this way and aren’t on the spectrum yourself, here are some suggestions: 

-Roscoe likely grew up before knowledge of autism was particularly widespread. As such, he’s likely internalized a lot of outdated ideas about the condition and might not want to admit to having it (he’s a very arrogant man). 

-A lot of people on the spectrum speak in rather unusual ways; we might talk too fast, speak in something of a monotone, or sound more aggressive than we mean to. I tend to think of Roscoe as speaking in a bit of a monotone most of the time, but of course this isn’t a strict guideline. 

-Eye contact is a big one. People with autism have to be taught to make eye contact, or none of us would do it. (I was in high school before I could do it even remotely normally.) Roscoe should probably make eye contact only irregularly, and usually only when he’s making a point. When he’s nervous, he probably shouldn’t make eye contact at all. 

-A lot of people on the spectrum tend to be excessively precise and/or formal in speech. Roscoe in particular is likely to be excessively formal in diction, as he’s also a bit of a snob. He’d also be likely to refer to people he doesn’t know well insistently by their titles; he’s been taught to do this and, like many people on the spectrum, he doesn’t know when to relax the rules. 

-Not being able to understand social cues can be extremely frustrating, especially for someone like Roscoe, who prides himself on his intelligence. Having him express annoyance with social convention would be well within his character, as would him expressing frustration with his own inability to understand them (but only in his own mind). 

-When autistic people get stressed, we tend to engage in repetitive activities called stereotypies, such as rocking back and forth or flapping one’s hands. Roscoe’s spinning in and of itself could be portrayed as a stereotypie, but he could engage in others as well (I have him rock a lot, probably because that’s my main stereotypy).

-Tops are his special interest. He talks about them enthusiastically and at length, and there’s probably nothing he doesn’t know about them. If he feels comfortable with a person, there are good odds that he’ll start monologing  about tops to them out of a desire to share his enthusiasm for them. He’s bewildered by the fact that not everyone is interested in tops as he is. 

-Most people on the spectrum become aware of the fact that they are different from everyone else quite early on; Roscoe is likely well aware of the fact that he’s seen as odd and is very, very defensive about it.

-Almost everyone on the autism spectrum seems to be over-or-under-sensitive to sensations. I hate loud noises and am a bit of a picky eater, and I hated clothing tags when I was a kid. Conversely, I love the feel of rubbing clothing and of being on a swing. While every person on the spectrum has different sensitivities to sensory phenomenon, it is likely that Roscoe is sensitive to at least some of these sensations in some fashion. I tend to write him as being rather touch-shy and as disliking loud noises. 

 4. Lisa can be hard to write, because you have to balance her intense devotion and loyalty to those she cares about with her incredible viciousness when crossed. It’s easy to write her in such a way that she loses her edge, and that’s something you don’t want to do. That being said, once you find that balance, she can be a lot of fun to write. She’s an interesting mix of very feminine and highly aggressive, and that’s something you don’t necessarily get to write too often. 

5. Len is a character that I find surprisingly easy to write. I honestly don’t have much in common with him at all, but in spite of that, I’ve never had too much trouble getting into his head...and he’s a lot of fun to write. Like basically everyone else who writes Len, my take on the character draws a lot on Geoff Johns’ world-weary, blue-collar portrayal of him, and it’s nice that Len has such a full backstory to work with (especially when you compare him to Sam or Mark). It makes him a unique POV character. Like his sister, there aren’t many characters who have a voice like Len’s. Oh, and his dynamic with Roscoe (mutual loathing only tempered by the fact that they both love Lisa) is great fun. 

6. Hartley’s another character whom I have an easy time writing. Like Len, he has a very well-fleshed out and unique backstory to draw off of, and also like Len, he’s been very fleshed-out over the years. Few things are as much fun to write as Piper’s soapbox rants. He’s also a great character to bounce off of other characters (he and James are an especially fun combination, which shouldn’t surprise anyone to hear). 

7. Digger is essentially a walking Id. As such, his responses to things are usually very easy to work out. He can be a bit of a tricky POV guy, since he’s one of the least pleasant of the Rogues and his inner thoughts have to reflect that on some level, but he’s great for comedy and for stirring things up. And of course, looking up Australian slang to sprinkle into his dialogue is great fun (even if I do live in perpetual fear that I am inadvertently making him even more of a stereotype by doing this). I’ve also found that writing Digger with a strong undercurrent of rage towards the world underneath his casual, devil-may-care attitude helps to make him a little more rounded. 

8. Evan McCulloch is a strange, strange character, and it took awhile for me to work out how to write him. The key, at least for me, was to lean into his sheer oddity. In addition to his Scottish accent, which I hope I at least write better than Geoff Johns did in Rogues’ Revenge, I generally have him speak rather oddly, repeating himself a lot and referring to himself in the third person. He also grins and laughs a lot at weird times, appears and disappears at weird moments, and generally unnerves everyone around him. Doing this helped to capture that sort of creepiness that Evan gives off in the comics. My take on the character is kind of a mix of Grant Morrison’s and Geoff Johns’, with the sheer weirdness and general good humor of the former and the backstory and psychological issues of the latter. That being said, I think he generally works better if he’s not the POV character, simply because it enhances the sense that he’s not quite all there, usually in more senses than one. 

9. Mick Rory is easy to write as a POV character; he’s strongly characterized and has a strong backstory. As a result, I tend to write him as Pre-Johns Mick in terms of basic personality (sweet, loyal, a bit dim), but with the pyromania Johns established. That being said, for whatever reason I tend to use him primarily as a supporting character. Someday I’ll really have to write a story that focuses on him. 

10. Mark Mardon is very hard to get a read on in the comics. Of all the Rogues, I think he’s the one whose basic personality I have the most trouble determining. Like, how smart is he actually supposed to be? Is his talk about being well-read and cultured legitimate or him putting on an act? (For whatever reason, I tend to accept the idea that Roscoe is actually more sophisticated than the other Rogues, but find it hard to believe the same thing about Mark. Maybe it’s just because Roscoe is more of an inventor than Mark?) How malicious is he supposed to be? What do the other Rogues think about him? I tend to base my characterization on his appearances in the Silver and Bronze Age, where he often seemed like a clueless doofus who had no idea of just how much power he wielded. As a result, my Mark is a bit of a self-aware screw-up, although I did give him the inferiority/superiority complex he displays in modern comics. I also had to make up most of his backstory, since, like Sam, he doesn’t have much of one in the comics themselves. 

What about you? If you write the Rogues, what have you noticed about them? 

@gorogues @secondratevillain  @belphegor1982 

[rivers-rambles21]

The one where Bucky sets the record straight

Part 12 of The one where Bucky has a cute neigbour series!

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader (f)

Summary | Reader and Bucky become friends after he saves her from  a creep in their apartment building. Each chapter explores a different point in their friendship - very slow burn!

Warnings | 18+ only, Smut in later chapters (this is a slow burn), swearing, unprotected sex, oral sex, (later chapters)

Chapter 12 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 1 | Masterlist

This is just a short filler chapter but I’m debating wrapping this story up after the next chapter, please let me know your thoughts!

You didn’t hear from Bucky for a couple of days but kept a watchful eye on the news. The flag smashers had been blowing up buildings and you had no doubt your Super Soldier would be hot on their tails. 

You were on your way home from work when your phone lit up and rang, signalling an incoming call from him. 

“Hey Buck!” You answered cheerily, pleased to be hearing from him as you dodged people on the street. 

“Hey Doll. Have I caught you at a bad time?”

“No no of course not, it’s good to hear from you. What’s up?”

“What? I’m not allowed to call my best girl just to see how her day is?”

“Did that work on the girls back in the 40’s?” You teased, smiling to yourself as you enjoyed this side of your best friend. 

“You wound me doll” 

“Yeah yeah, I’m sure your ego can take it. How have you been? Any sign of coming home yet?” 

“No, not yet. Things just seem to go from bad to worse. What about you? Quit your job yet?”

You scoffed as you stopped by a bench and took a seat, wanting to give Bucky your full attention. “Unfortunately not. Some of us don’t have a pension to live off y’know, we’re not all a hundred and six.” 

“I know I know, I just don’t like you being stuck somewhere like that. You deserve a lot better than the GRC. I guess you’ll have to quit if you move out of New York though right?” 

“Honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing. I think with you being half way across the world it’s hit home, quite literally, on how little is keeping me here. I know you’re going to tease the shit out of me for this Buck but I think if it wasn’t for you living across the hall, I’d have left months ago.” You fiddled with the ring on your finger as you waited for his response, your breath shaky down the phone. 

“I’m glad you stayed.” 

“Me too” 

“I just - I don’t- Y/n… why do you even bother with me?” The self doubt was evident in his tone as you wondered what on earth had brought him to even question your relationship. 

“What do you mean? Where is this coming from Buck?” 

“Zemo… he said the serum corrupts everyone who takes it, with the exception of Steve of course. I’m not a good person Y/n, I’ve done terrible things, I’ve hurt a lot of people… and yet here you are, acting as though I’ve not spent the last seventy years murdering people. I nearly corrupted Steve - how are you not scared of me?”

“No. Stop it Bucky. You’re not going down that path. You’re not a bad person, you’re not corrupted by it. Steve wasn’t the only one okay? I need you to listen to me Buck, and I mean really listen. You’re good, you James Buchanan Barnes are worth it, Steve saw it, Sam saw it, I see it. But you’ve got to let us in and let go of the past. You didn’t choose to take the serum, you didn’t choose to fall off that train, you didn’t choose to become him. But… you can choose now. And...and - and- the person you’ve chosen to be.. Well he’s….well he’s incredible.” 

You closed your eyes as you caught your breath. The words had tumbled out faster than you’d anticipated, trying to quash any doubt Bucky had about himself. 

“You really believe that?” His voice was barely a whisper down the phone. 

“Yeah” 

“Doll… I have to go” 

“O-okay”

____________________________________________________

Bucky had been on edge ever since John had said your name back in Baltimore. He couldn’t wrap his mind around how he found out about you. He’d been so careful. He’d kept his phone a secret, only showing his therapist his burner. He paid in cash for everything and had all his utility bills in false names. He couldn’t afford for his enemies or what remained of Hydra to know about you. 

“This is ridiculous…” John muttered as he paced back and forth, waiting for Sam to give the signal. They were holed up in a back room as Sam attempted to negotiate with the leader of the flag smashers, something the budget Captain America had more than an issue with. 

“How did you know her name?”

“What?” John stopped in his tracks and faced Bucky, his face unreadable. 

“How did you know her name” Bucky stood from his seat and strode towards the other man, going toe to toe. 

“Oh your girlfriend?” Walker chuckled, nodding his head in understanding. “We’ve been keeping an eye on her for a while.”

“John” Lemar urged, pulling on his friend's arm, knowing no good would come of his taunting.

“I’m surprised you’re still here quite frankly. I’d have thought you’d be at home with your wife.” Bucky taunted, his jaw clenching.

“Why wouldn’t Captain America be hunting down a terrorist?” Walker smirked, overly confident. 

“If I was married, I’m sure my wife would want me home for our ten year anniversary. Tomorrow isn’t it?” Bucky's eyes bored into John’s, almost daring him to make a move. After Baltimore Bucky had done his own intel, getting as much information on the downgraded Captain America as possible. He’d felt slightly uncomfortable invading his privacy but he pushed any ill feeling aside when he reminded himself he’d done the exact same thing to him. When it came to you, Bucky didn’t have a limit on how far he’d go to keep you safe. 

“You fucker” John hissed, shoving Bucky with all his strength but only able to push him back a single step. 

“Ah, now I remember. She’s got other plans, what was his name… Ah! Carl. That’s it.  Her personal trainer. He’s got glowing reviews John, maybe he can help you out?” Taking a step forward, Bucky came toe to toe with Walker again. The man before him was seething, practically shaking with rage. “Stay out of Y/n’s business and I’ll stay out of yours.” 

“Or what?” he spat, fists clenched as a worried Lemar looked on. 

“You’ve read my file, I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.” Raising his left arm, Bucky gently slapped John’s cheek twice, smiling back at the man as he mocked him. He kept his eyes trained on him as he slowly backed away and leant back against the door frame; patiently waiting for Sam.

Tag list:

@iamtheonewhocares @indigo123789 @xpurpleglitter

[caracarnn-archive]

CHARACTER SHEET

BASICS

NAME: rand al’thor

NICKNAME: : the dragon reborn? LMAO

ALIAS(S): a few but not really any he’s too well known to be known by anyone else lol

GENDER: male

SIZE: 6′6

AGE:   23

ZODIAC:  lbr this doesn’t exist in WoT

SPOKEN LANGUAGES: idk what the language is called lmao english? bits of the old tongue

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS

HAIR COLOR: red

EYE COLOR: gray-blue - they’re very hard and beyond his years ok (fckn lews therin)

SKIN TONE: light skin

BODY TYPE: athletic, lean

VOICE: deep. sometimes hard, too hard. sometimes too cold. sometimes soft. SOMETIMES TOO MUCH LIKE LEWS THERIN

DOMINANT HAND: right

POSTURE: a bit slouched at the start and then develops a far more upright and demanding psoture

SCARS: SEVERAL. notably the two wounds at his side that never heal. does the loss of a hand count?

TATTOOS: two dragons running from the backs of his hands up along his forearms. HOWEVER they aren’t necessarily tattoos

BIRTHMARKS: - n/a

CHILDHOOD

PLACE OF BIRTH: the slopes of Dragonmount

HOMETOWN: The Two Rivers

SIBLINGS: n/a - half sibling - Galad Damodred

PARENTS:Janduin of the Iron Mountain Taardad (birth father) Tigraine/Shaiel (birth mother) tam al’thor (adoptive father) kari al’thor (adoptive mother)

ADULT LIFE

OCCUPATION: the dragon reborn? king? 

CURRENT RESIDENCE(S): plenty? he doesn’t have a STATION but he has rooms in most palaces of the cities he’s conquered

CLOSE FRIENDS: mat cauthon / perrin aybara / nynaeve al’meara / egwene al’vere (she counts still RIGHT lol) / thom merrilin / moiraine damodred / 500 or so maidens / rhuarc / etccc

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: (verse dependent BUT) is bonded to three women, close to marriage tbh. min farshaw / elayne trakand / aviendha 

FINANCIAL STATUS: wealthy af although he doesn’t use much of it

DRIVER’S LICENSE: doesn’t exist in this world

CRIMINAL RECORD uhmmm? doesn’t have one lmao 

VICES: DEATH. he’s TOO accepting of death it makes me cry

SEX AND ROMANCE

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: straight

PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE: locked up tight so that no one sees where the cracks are.

PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE:  thinks he takes the dominant role in things tbh 

TURN ONS: people who care, who have purposes, who generally enjoy being with him

TURN OFFS: women who care cold, unfeeling, who don’t care about other people or who think they’re better than everyone else

LOVE LANGUAGE: where everything is just known, words don’t have to be spoken. oaths and feelings are generally just known and understood and accepted

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES: keeps people out too much, far too much, can become cold and needs to be drawn out but in the right hands he can open up but for the most part he locks everything up insnide

MISCELLANEOUS

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG: idk a few but man or a monster by sam tinnesz is good

MENTAL ILLNESSES: plenty of them it’s so sad. he has borderline DID, major ptsd, terrible anger issues, horrible claustrophobia, is borderline suicidal at times

PHOBIAS: claustrophobia / atelophobia / thanatophobia

SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL: he’s confident in some ways, many ways and then terribly unconfident in other ways. HE’S FULL OF CONTRASTS

Tagged by the wonderful @in-my-soul​​

Tagging: @luckhissoul @inprometheanfire @tothedevilsshow @malumxsubest @windtold @niightwatch @lilacandunicorns​ @impulse-incorporated​ @moirainescdai​

[theghostofashton]

what are your top 3 moments from kurt, blaine, quinn, santana, sam, mercedes, and finn?

omg eve thank you for this!! most is under a cut bc this got....obscenely long lol

kurt

1x20. this one feels kind of obligatory but just... “i’m proud to be different. it’s the best thing about me”, and the way he says they can beat him up but he will never change always hits me so hard. so much of kurt’s survival early on came from his belief in himself, and his strong, unwavering sense of self. he knew who he was and no matter how badly people tried to tell him different, that wouldn’t change. it explains so much about kurt’s character up until this point and who he is going forward. i love it.

2x20. again, people have def said this before but the way he decides to go back inside, to exist as a gay person that’s been the victim of this cruel act, to stand up to that room full of people and assure them that he is going to be as visible as possible even if it bothers them is just....as i said above. it’s the belief in who he is and that being stronger than anything that could be thrown at him. he’s terrified but he’s being visible, and it is such a display of strength that makes me emotional every time.

4x03, him getting vogue. there are so many moments i could’ve chosen for this, but idk, kurt’s story is so heavy and i feel like this moment is special to me bc it is pure unadulterated joy. it is him being appreciated for a passion of his and being validated on a massive level. he’s brimming with joy and excitement and just....i was so happy for him, to get out of lima and get this opportunity. this show repeatedly kicked him down and this moment felt so refreshing as a departure from all of that.

blaine

2x06, the way, from the beginning, he is attentive and tuned in to kurt’s struggle and how bad it is. the way he sends david and wes away, and offers something besides the platitudes kurt’s gotten until now. blaine is such a supportive, kind, and genuine person and i love that we see that very clearly from the beginning. helping other people is so central to who he is as a person and i love that that stays consistent.

his journey in 4x07, specifically, deciding not to ultimately rejoin the warblers. i have so much love for s4 blaine as he rebuilds after the breakup, and i think this moment, where he has to choose between going back into his comfort zone or facing his struggles head on, is so beautiful. it would be easy to run, to go back to dalton, to fit himself back into that box, but he doesn’t. he decides to do the difficult thing, to stick it out at mckinley and work through his issues after the breakup and come out stronger on the other side. 

6x04, blaine refusing to take it easy at the invitational. this is such a small moment but it is such growth for blaine and i love it so much. this boy is such a people pleaser, so willing to sacrifice everything to make sure the people in his life are happy, even before himself, and here....he isn’t. here, his confidence is real and shining brilliantly. we didn’t get to see any of the therapy both kurt and blaine went to, but this moment felt like a little glimpse into how therapy has really helped him and i love it.  

quinn

the scene with mercedes in 1x16! quinn is so kind, and so, so wonderful here. she tells mercedes exactly what she needs to hear, and she’s so supportive and understanding of how she feels. it’s one of my favorite scenes of the whole show tbh.

her helping sam out in 2x19, and more specifically, not telling everyone what's really going on when she's accused of cheating. quinn struggles in s2, and she hurts people in the process, and being that part of that struggle comes from wanting to be prom queen and caring too much about appearances, i think this moment is telling. she isn't doing it for herself and she's letting herself be branded as a cheater (yet again) to help sam and his family.

the end of 3x08, when she reunites the troubletones and the new directions. i love her speech so much, and i love that she first makes sure that the troubletones will be allowed their number at future comps. it shows how much she knows and cares about why the troubletones even happened, and it’s so nice to see. 

santana

2x19, specifically songbird. it’s just such a vulnerable and genuine performance that hits so hard after watching her struggle throughout the season. it really feels like she’s serving her heart to brittany in that moment, putting it all out on the line, and it is so beautiful

the end of 4x13, when she decides to go to new york to follow her dreams. the city fits her so well, and i was so proud of her for doing that, for allowing brittany’s words to sink in and recognizing that. santana spent so long doing what she thought she needed, what she thought the world wanted, and this marks the beginning of her doing things for herself, unapologetically, and i love it.

5x18! this entire ep, honestly, but that one scene with rachel about wanting to use her bitch powers to protect the people she cares about... that’s so santana. it encapsulates her perfectly. she shows up for the people she loves and she always has. 

sam

2x04/2x08. i have thoughts on these storylines i won't get into rn, but i really love in both these eps that sam is concerned with appearance, as the other jocks and cheerios are, but that goes by the wayside when it comes to doing what’s right. i love the tension it creates for the other jocks, and my inner kurt stan adores that his first couple storylines were about helping kurt. 

3x08. just.....him in this entire ep is perfect. the stripping thing makes me so sad but feels so in-character for sam, and i love how earnest and just....open he is. he wants to do whatever he can to help his family, but he also just really wants to be a kid. it’s heartbreaking but so meaningful and i love it. 

6x13, the scene when he takes over glee club and starts with that lesson about country music. i have a lot of issues with sam’s writing over the later seasons but this is one of those moments that felt so emblematic of s2-s3 sam and so wonderful in indicating who he is as the show wrapped up. his lesson is poignant and perfect and just....makes me so happy for this glee club, getting to have him as their coach. 

mercedes

the speech she gives before beautiful in 1x16. it makes me emotional every time. i love mercedes’ confidence and unwavering belief in herself, and i love the way she takes what she’s been struggling with and uses it to empower not only herself but everyone else. it’s so emblematic of exactly the kind of person mercedes is and i just....i love her so much

her refusing to back down in 3x03. this one is pretty huge for me. seeing the way mercedes prioritizes herself in this way, refusing to accept the double casting of maria that accommodates rachel makes me just....i don’t even know how to put it into words. as a woc, i’ve so often felt like i need to just take what i can get, whatever it is (even it is less than what i deserve) and this moment, seeing mercedes determinedly not do that, and value herself above all of that, was just incredibly impactful for me. 

her refusing to compromise her values in 4x21. in line with what i’ve basically already said, i just.....i have so much love for the consistency of mercedes demanding what she deserves and refusing to take less and refusing to compromise on her comfort and confidence. like i said above, often times, we just do that, just so we get something, rather than nothing, and to see mercedes repeatedly refuse to allow the world to take pieces of her over the entirety of her....it hits me really hard.

finn

all of 2x11. that's one of my favorite episodes, and every time i watch it i'm just like...the show beat us over the head w finn being the leader, so to speak, and that ep really makes me feel like he is. the way he rallies everyone and it all comes together in the end makes me emotional every time.

him offering unique rizzo! one of the best finn moments, bc it isn't only that he offers unique the part, but that he does it despite possible backlash. hs finn was constantly worried about what other people would think and how they'd react, and he did fuck up as a result, quite a bit, so this is just....such growth for him. he accepts unique without question, gives her this role and validates her identity, and promises he'll defend her when things get bad. it's incredible.

all of 4x07! when he’s still coming into his own as a teacher and fumbling along the way, only to absolutely nail it by the end. the way he handles jake and ryder’s conflict, the way he handles ryder’s dyslexia, the almighty treble clef, uniter of glee clubs....the way he distributes lines at the end and the way some nights hits as a unifying number for the club..... i just. i love him so much. s4 finn is an absolute gift. 

[lyricalvillain]

TFaWS Spoilers Below!

Okay. Okay. Can we frigging talk about Falcon and Winter Soldier stuff real quick? Cause like... I'm blown away by all the emotional stuff going on here. I am loving where this is going so far and the intense issues the characters are struggling with and how wonderful the Actors are doing right now.

Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie)

Anthony Mackie is a national treasure. I love his portrayal of Sam Wilson. He does an astounding job. He has such an expressive face and he uses it to break my heart.

His character is going through a lot right now. He just got back from being dead for five years. People mourned him, his family mourned him. He is trying to reintegrate himself into the world and his loved one's lives. Which is even harder when there's a five year gap of missing time to account for. Right away in Ep1 he's given shit from a banker about that five year gap in employment. (Which, excuse me sir who raised you???)

All while coming to terms with the fact that Steve is gone. Steve is gone and he dropped this monumental legacy onto Sam's shoulders.

And Sam felt he didn't fit that role, felt like he was standing in this massive shadow cast by what people expected from Steve (and now what they expect from Sam). His speech about needing new heros, and letting the shield rest because noone could live up to Steve-- wonderful. Beautifully delivered. Mackie is killing it portraying Sam. Just. A++

And the cinematography in that moment. The massive image of Steve looming over Sam. Really pushing how Sam feels in that moment.

He felt that the shield, the legacy, the title belonged to someone else. He had his own name, his own legacy that he was building. His own identity. I can see how he wouldn't want to give up being Falcon and pick up Steve's shield.

But that made the end of ep announcement of the new Captain America all the more heart wrenching, like seriously I wanted to cry. Because Sam trusted that the shield and uniform would be kept at the museum. Trusted that his decision and wishes would be respected. And oh god, how they rolled over that without a seconds hesitation.

The entirety of episode two was just triggering for both of our boys. Sam was constantly being reminded of how he gave up the shield. It’s the first thing Bucky says to him, and it’s the thing Bucky focuses on the most. Sam is probably already furious that this is happening and John Walker isn’t helping that either.

“It would be easier if I had Cap’s wingmen to back me up.”

Sam’s reaction to this was very telling. He was with the guy up until this point it seemed. As soon as he said this, Sam left. And I think it has a lot to do with him having his own autonomy as a hero, his own identity, his own legacy. He is very focused on who is behind the symbol, the person behind the symbol. (I also think Sam may have some Imposter syndrome going on, maybe?) He helped take down Thanos, take down Hydra. He’s put the work in, he's made a name for hinself. So when John says he's put the work in. I feel like that's just insult to injury right there for Sam.

While I doubt John meant any harm, he definitely stuck his foot in his mouth. It seemed like he thought of Bucky and Sam as accessories instead of their own individual people. Like they didn’t have issues and lives outside of being brushed off and put in play for whatever Cap needed them for. 

Sam was with Steve because they were friends, why would he ally himself with John Walker, a man who had taken up the mantle he had tried to lay to rest, a man he didn’t know at all? A man who didn’t know him at all.

And don’t get me started on the cops man, they called for BACKUP. They stopped because they judged someone based on the color of their skin, and the backup arrived as they figured out who they were harassing. Fucking systemic racism, man. (Good job portraying that as well though.)

Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan)

Bucky... God damn. What a mess. Tragic back story to the max, add in a dash of survivors guilt, self worth issues a mile wide. And lets not forget the trust issues. We have those too.

We all know his past, the brainwashed assassin with no real name. Treated like a weapon, stripped of humanity and autonomy.

He was a fugitive for probably about four years spent some more time on ice in Wakanda, and then vanished for five. He comes back to help kick Thanos' butt and then Steve... Just leaves him to live his life in the past. For Steve it's been a long time. Steve lived through those five years without Sam or Bucky. But for Bucky it was only yesterday that they had been fighting to stop Thanos. He hasn't been able to integrate properly into society. He only had Steve and by extension Sam.

So now he's left to integrate on his own. Steve was his anchor, and he's adrift in the future where he only consistently talks to his therapist and a man who's son he murdered.

He is not okay.

In episode one and two we see just how not okay he is. He's mired in his past, clinging to the vestiges of his combat experience and skill set he picked up as the winter soldier. Sam tells him he's not a spy anymore and Bucky fights to be able to help, to feel relevant again.

Hes so focused on Steve's shield. I like to think its partially because of what Steve's trust symbolized to him, and also because it's tied so closely with Steve's memory that seeing someone, that Steve didn't give it to, wield it bugs him. Steve's last wish was for Sam to pick up the title.

The revelation that he was trying so hard because Steve believed in him broke my heart. Especially once he started doubting that faith his friend had in him.

"What was rule two again, Doc?"

Nobody gets hurt. But I wonder if bucky was implying that he has been hurt. I mean probably, Sam said some hurtful things, they both did. And they're both snarky and defensive. Still Bucky will help Sam, because even though they argue and fight, they're friends, united in grief and trauma. I just have so many feelings about my boys guys.

John Walker (Wyatt Russell)

I’m not gonna lie I expected to hate John, in fact the ending of the first episode just begs you to hate him. I don’t love him. But surprisingly I also definitely don’t hate him. He is a giant dumbass though.

So firstly, this dude is from the comics, he’s eventually  known as U.S. Agent.

He operates within the confines of the law, and is basically the government’s lap dog at this point. Whereas Steve, as Captain America, had gone against orders multiple times, against the law even, to do what he thought was right. Despite the obvious differences in their character so far, there is a parallel we can draw between John and Steve and even John and Sam.

John feels that pressure that Sam felt in Episode one. It’s the first thing he really talks about. He doesn't want to let the people down.

He has been used as a marketing tool very much like Steve. Propaganda posters, the works. He tells his friend (high-school sweetheart?) that he wants to just “do the job” like Steve did. He’s frustrated about being paraded around, surrounded by dancing girls and stuffed in front of cameras.

As irritatingly confident as he seems, there is a lot of doubt and nerves in this guy. He is also… not enhanced. He’s just slightly above average for a human.

“I’m not trying to replace Steve, I’m not trying to be Steve. I’m just trying to be the best Captain America I can be.” This was honesty, there was frustration in the lines. He probably feels overwhelmed, he is reaching out for help from people who knew Cap best and are best equipped to help him take down the Flag Smashers.

Later when he shows up to bail Bucky out, he made a few more mistakes. Firstly, the therapy thing. Ordering his therapy to clear him so he wouldn’t be tied up was just short sighted and selfish. He may have thought he was doing Bucky a favor seeing as the therapy was court mandated, but Bucky NEEDS that therapy. His therapist was the only person he had regular contact with that wasn’t emotionally torturous for him.

Also calling Bucky an asset. DUDE. This man was referred to as “The Asset” for 70 YEARS. He was brainwashed and treated like a thing, didn’t have a name, wasn’t allowed to decide things for himself. So John swooping in and making the decision to “liberate him” from therapy because he was “a valuable asset”? John, buddy, pal. Maybe don’t. Maybe take you “I know what’s best” shtick somewhere else okay?

He knows who these men are, and he’s trying to be helpful and supportive to get them to like him, trust him and work with him. But that’s hard when you don’t KNOW these men and what they’re suffering through. John is just going to trample all over their emotional minefield.

That’s it from me, thanks for reading through my rambling thoughts on fictional characters guys! I'm going to go cry in a corner until next week.

[chrispaulcolfer]

hi! i know you’re a chris/kurt stan, but i was wondering if you have any favorite blaine moments or blaine episodes? (also, i just wanted to say thank you for defending blaine/klaine so hard. so many kurt stans are so anti blaine and it really bothers me, so thank you for understanding where blaine is coming from too)

Hello there! General Kenobi.

Listen, I will defend Blaine Anderson on my death bed. The amount of shit people choose to hate him for is ridiculous and is more telling of them. Because there's enjoyment of enemies to lovers and then there's just extreme out of character "development" to make your enemies to lover ship seem like the better choice to canon because "omg abuse". Not here for it. Just enjoy your ship but keep the slander and hatred for Blaine Anderson out of it, wow so simple. Amazing.

Okay anyway. Favorite moments and episodes of one Blaine Anderson.

10. Never Been Kissed. I love his introduction. He grabs a strange dudes hand to take a shortcut, then pulls a fast one by being all "oh and by the way I'm a warbler so lemme serenade you real quick strange dude". WHO DOES THAT? It's ridiculous, it's perfect, and it's nice that he's introduced as someone who has also been through the hell of being bullied for something that defines him as a person, but still being the bigger person in the end and coming out stronger. He's there at the right time, the right place, and it's because of him that Kurt remembers he has a voice.

9. In season 6, watching him regain that confidence and stride that he had in season 2? Love it. It's nice to see that he went to therapy, stepped outside his box, and took a chance on something unexpected for himself (even if who he dates is stupid, and it makes me nauseous - I blame the writers for this stupidity and not the character. The character is just their pawn to get the viewers reaction). I like that he fights for Jane, I like how he confronts Rachel and Kurt and doesn't go easy on them in regards to the competition, and I like that even through the bullshit HE is put through he still doesn't let it consume him and make him into a bitter person. Plus, again, HE WENT TO THERAPY! I love that!

8. Dynamic Duets. Seeing Blaine take control of the school without anyone questioning him?! Amazing leadership. We see him being a great leader in other episodes, before and after this one, but this one really hits it on the head. He gets everyone to dress up as superheroes to help boost everyone's confidence, express themselves, and just get out of their box in such a creative and fun way. We see him struggling still with feeling like he fits at McKinley because the reason he transferred is gone and no longer his boyfriend. I like that we can see the struggle! He's lonely. He's depressed. He's trying so hard to be better at getting by, but we see the struggle emotionally and mentally. He almost transfers to Dalton again because he thinks it would be better for everyone. He has Sam now, and that's it (which, bleck blam, but it's still important this episode so whatever). We see how self-destructive he is but still comes out on top by doing something great for the community. I like seeing character development. I like seeing the tidbits of character thought process, because like Blaine I've been there. Wanting to feel apart of something where you feel WANTED not just accepted. — also this episode he shames Mr.Schue for not even noticing the trophy is gone which DRAG HIM ANDERSON!!! That hint of sass! LOVE IT. Also Nightbird as a whole? Yes. Good.

7. Puppet Master. I like seeing what would go on in Blaine's brain on drugs - is that weird? It's an interesting view into his subconscious. He doesn't handle things like everyone else with their fantasy world them being hot and desirable. Nope! Blaine wants to feel validated, appreciated, and interact with felt-people because real people have hurt him - but felt-people can't. Felt-people can be tossed aside without causing them harm. Felt-friends compliment his body. Felt-fiancé's do whatever you want (kinky - what were you going to do with Kurt puppet that night you tried to take him back from Sylvester, Blaine? Cheeky). I like this quirk. I just don't like the ending song, that's it.

6. I love his moments where he performs by himself or for Kurt specifically. There's something different about how he performs if Kurt is watching (Cough Syrup, Teenage Dream (acoustic & original), All of Me, Beauty School Dropout, Barely Breathing (though that's just a figment), It's Not Right) vs. when he's in a group number. He's good in every song he does, and maybe I just think he performs differently because I'm a sucker for the angst majority of those songs being but whatever. I like it.

5. Love the Blaine being dramatic as a whole. Remember his reaction to seeing Tina and Sam making out and then running down the hall? And how MUCH HE LOVES BUMPER BOWLING?! I do. It's amazing.

4. THE WHOLE THING WITH ELLIOTT!!! Why did they only have one scene together?! Elliott being so understanding, and supportive, and not at all thinking Blaine is this weirdo for just BARGING into his apartment the way he does. He just HANDS HIM A GUITAR and Blaine takes it and it WORKS. He lets Blaine vent, he doesn't take it personal, and then Blaine calms down and apologizes. AND THEN THEY JAM. The best thing. That friendship would've been god tier.

3. Also that sass. "Huh, that's so unlike you." "I would say bye, but I wouldn't want to make you angry." "Well, he's not coming out anytime soon." "Why dont YOU put it back because it's YOUR apartment?"

2. I also LOVE that he isn't perfect. I love that we see him struggle. It makes him more realistic. Seeing his body issues in season 5, the depression, the self-destruction, the people pleasing perfectionist, the meltdowns, the struggle - because we see him struggle and overcome it in the end. Despite everything he struggled with, he got his happy ending with his soulmate AND A CHILD. He's succeeding in life with a family!

1. Tested. The whole episode. His traumatic response to Kurt's traumatic response. His body and self-confidence struggles. His defensive attitude and self-destructing basically, before snapping that built-up wall and finally communicating with Kurt about what the underlying problem actually is. IT IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE FOR A REASON! For Blaine, for Kurt, for both of them. Because not everyone reacts to trauma the same! It isn't going to be pretty! It isn't rainbows and puppy dogs dancing on clouds. It's crumbling in silence, and trying to be stronger than you are, and shutting down, and not having processed something completely because life still goes on like the trauma never happened all around you. It doesn't stop. So you find ways to cope. Like eating too many cronuts that you gain more weight and start to slip down a self-loathing hill to the point where you make things up in your head because you're overthinking and not wanting to burden anyone, especially the person you admire and care for the most because then they'll be disappointed in you and that has to be one of the worst feelings. BUT IT ALL COMES TO A HEAD, and ugh. Love it. Dont care. I like the realism about it, angst and all.