#its funny i swear

[preciouslittlebhaalbabie]

I like to think that at some point when you stay in the Devildom you get a job and because they all want you safe Diavolo makes you his like secretary or some shit

and I just imagined the office like

Mc: Being Diavolo's secretary is the second most interesting thing that happened in my life. The first is when Belphie killed me.

[fangomango]

"Wow I love velvet and Veener"

Velvet and Veneer:

[paprikamahomes]

[kisskida]

Breakfast

-Gepard x Stelle comfort au Is breakfast not the most important meal of the day? In this household, breakfast is the most dangerous meal of the day, sleeping in past 5am has very noticeable and instantaneous consequences for the poor house...

The smell of smoke certainly was a unique way to wake up, specifically the unforgettable smell of burnt toast. Though it may be a unique way, it certainly was common for Gepard to wake up to, the smell of burning toast was honestly the least concerning of all the things Stelle had tried to cook, whether it was breakfast or any other meal. He groaned as the smoke alarm started to go off and he heard a pitchy shriek, a crash and a series of inappropriate phrases shouted at, most likely, an inanimate object.

Yawning and running his hand through his hair, he trudged out to the kitchen, in no hurry to check on the situation, only doing so out of concern that Stelle might blow something up again. “Stelle what are you-” he rounded the corner of the dimly lit, dawn kissed hallway and paused, wide awake now as he saw his wife with her hands wrapped around the throat of another familiar face, throttling the life out of him. There were 3 frypans on the floor, a fork stuck in the plaster of the wall, 2 wall tiles shattered and an incredibly obvious scorch mark next to the toaster.

“Sampo! I told you to keep an eye on the toast” she continued to shake the living daylights out of him as Gepard reeled from the shock horror of the morning mess, this was probably the worst state he’d ever seen his kitchen in.

“Stelle! Forget the toast, that wasn’t even that bad, why did you need three pans?” Sampo was yelling back at her, dark hair a dishevelled mess and soot scattered throughout the tussled white highlights.

“Okay, both of you! Separate! Stelle, clean up the frypans and Sampo?! Why are you in my house at-” he looked at the clock on the wall, “6 in the morning?” He’d slept in for once, breaking his routine of waking up at 5am to make breakfast, specifically avoiding this exact scenario. Closing his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose, allowing an exasperated sigh to escape his lips. 

“Uh…good morning Captain?” Sampo chuckled nervously, slowly backing up and helping Stelle clean up, all while maintaining eye contact before he nervously broke his gaze and hurried helping clean up the broken tiles.

Pulling the fork out of the wall, Gepard turned the stove off, unplugged the toaster and, though he wanted to avoid it, he began to inspect the scorch mark on the marble countertop. “Enough, both of you get out, I’ll make breakfast. Stelle, get the bread, eggs and bacon out and Sampo, go home” he threw the pans in the sink and pulled out clean utensils with which to cook.

Soon enough the smell of incinerated bread and smoke had left the house, replaced with the mouth-watering smell of bacon, eggs and nicely cooked toast. Gepard could feel the sparkling glare of Stelle as she sat on top of the bench and the similar stare of Sampo as he sat on a stool at the bench. “Foods done, what do you two want to eat” he put down three plates with the food and handed the two their own plates which they could serve themselves with.

Stelle grinned cheekily “I could really do with a nice captain for breakfast, we could go back to bed, strip down and -” Gepard stopped her, putting a hand over her mouth as a bright pink blush donned his cheeks, he tugged self consciously on his form fitting shirt, trying to shake the dirty thoughts from his head as Sampo snickered quietly. He was unaware of just how far Stelle could open her mouth as she bit him, clamping her teeth down over his hand playfully. Her cheeky gold eyes locked with his own and his blush darkened to a deep crimson hue. “Just- just eat your breakfast Stelle” He pulled his hand away from her, fidgeting shyly with the gold wedding band on his finger.

“Fine…later” she pouted, piling a copious heap of bacon on her plate and devouring it before he could blink. In this time, Sampo had eaten an almost concerning amount of toast, where Gepard had cooked 10 slices, there were two left, one of which Stelle was reaching for.

After breakfast was finished, not a crumb left on the table Gepard took one look at the sink and sighed “Can you safely wash up while I get dressed Stelle?” she paused, pretending to consider.

“Maybe” dragging Sampo by the hair, she shuffled over to the sink and the two trouble-makers began their repentance, having their mess foisted back onto them.

The bedroom was cool on Gepards skin as he began tugging his shirt off, scanning the room for where his uniform might be, for where Stelle had thrown it last night before she practically devoured him. A heated blush rose on his skin as the memories from last night flashed to the forefront of his mind. “Looking sexy captain” Stelle wolf whistled at Gepard’s shirtless body, left standing only in boxers “Sampo can finish cleaning the kitchen, I however, am going to partake in one more meal” standing up on her toes, she met him in a hungry kiss, her arms hooked behind his neck. He wrapped his arms around her body, enjoying the warmth she provided.

“If there’s another mess in the kitchen when I go out again, you’ll face some serious consequences tonight” he whispered, their lips not even an inch apart, breaths mingling hot against each others skin

“Now I’m considering making some more mess, these consequences sound rather enticing” he was locked into another kiss, her hands roaming his body to more sensitive parts as her lust consumed her logical thoughts.

“I certainly didn’t marry you for your cooking ability-” he was forced to stop talking as she pushed him back onto the bed, finishing undressing him and beginning to strip her own clothes.

“Well, I’d hope not” that snarky grin was the last thing he saw before his rationality slipped down the drain and pleasure consumed him.

[jaspercasperthecatghost]

BRO WHY DO PEOPLE PUT … AFTER SENTENCES LIKE “Have a nice trip…” IS IT GOING TO BE MY LAST?? HELLO??

[shrimpjuice]

Severus Snape x reader??

honestly i just want to post this because it's fun and why not (chapter 1)

OOTP Era

Her eyes scanned the tall pillars that lined Hogwarts’ corridors, avoiding the damp condensation that occasionally dripped onto the dull stone floors. The sun shone brightly through the tall archways on the other side of the hall that lead into the courtyard. That wasn't her focus for today though, no she had much to do, far too much, but it had to be done. 

Y/N had just left a class she'd be shadowing, the Charms class, taught by Professor Flitwick. Y/N loved Charms, and Flitwick was pleasant as a co-worker (not so pleasant as a teacher), but Y/N preferred another class even more. Surprise, surprise, it was Potions. 

Her entire family's line, the Elms, had this sort of… reputation for being well versed in Potions. Of course, Y/N had taken this up as her specialty, because what other choice did she really have? She did have other motivations though, those being a certain Professor Snape. She always looked forward to his class back when she went to Hogwarts, and when she got a job in the Education department of the Ministry, she was quick to request a placement at Hogwarts to start her Potions career early. 

Luckily, the Minister seemed more than happy to oblige, giving Y/N one requirement. She needed to keep an eye on Dumbledore, and just the happening at Hogwarts as a whole. That seemed easy enough, so Y/N happily agreed to take a few notes here and there while she worked with– 

“Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry–” Was all that Y/N could hear when she fell straight on her ass. She'd walked into a student, probably a second year, lost in thought. He was quite tall with short brown hair, nothing remarkable. His tie was blue and bronze, a Ravenclaw. Should've been obvious with all the books he'd been holding. Past tense because now they were all over the floor. 

Y/N groaned to herself as she grabbed the few folders she'd dropped just beside herself, struggling to get back to her feet, resting her hands on her knees. 

“You should really watch where you're going,” The student said simply as he pathetically picked up the books and papers strewn around. Y/N scoffed and watched the boy hobble around crouched over. She wouldn't bother arguing with a 12 year old, not today. Still, she had to have a little fun. One paper that'd been left on the floor, it looked important enough, rested just beneath her shoe. The student looked at her expectantly as she stood there, not moving an inch. She felt a bit petty, but seriously, this kid should learn to respect authority one way or another.

“What, do you need something?” Y/N asked innocently, resting her free hand on her hip. The kid’s face burned red as he pointed to the paper underneath her feet. 

“S’ my paper Miss, I need it for Potions.” He mumbled. 

“So we're being polite now? That's wonderful,” She stepped back, gesturing for the kid to take the paper. “Go ahead, all yours.” The kid huffed and grabbed the paper, glaring at Y/N as he shoved it in his Potions textbook. He hurriedly walked past Y/N mumbling something to himself. Y/N sighed and made her way to the Potions classroom, finally back on track from that minor distraction. 

“Wait, why are you going that way?” She called down the empty hallway, her voice echoing off the walls. 

“I forgot something in my dorm.” The student said, barely audible. He didn't even turn around to answer and hurried around the corner. 

–

When Y/N shut the unnecessarily heaving wooden doors, mahogany was her guess, she came face-to-face with her good old Potions professor, Severus Snape. Old was a description Y/N used a lot for him, as he had the semblance of crows feet at the corners of his eyes and he sounded like he'd been smoking a pack a day since the 50s. Still, he was a charming man, no matter how much he put her off when she thought about it hard enough. 

“Tormenting the first-years again I see,” He said in his ever so monotone voice, sounding not the least bit actually concerned with the student's well-being. 

“He's a second-year sir, he'll be fine.” Y/N smiled, stepping around the professor, setting her folders and books on his rather large desk, pushing his neat notes to the side.

“Perfectly acceptable then,” He… joked? She couldn't tell. He neatened up his newly trashed desk, pushing her things to the side. He looked up at Y/N for a second. “Did you happen to… struggle with this student?” He said plainly, narrowing his eyes. 

Y/N looked up, rightfully confused. “Hm? Oh, it was nothing, he didn't say anything particularly nasty, no.” Snape continued to look at her as if she'd been doused in glue and rolled around in a pile of feathers. “What, have I got something on my face?” She asked, raising a hand to her cheek. She felt a rather large knot forming just at her cheekbone, positively swelling. “Oh Merlin, have I got a bruise?” Snape nodded. “How bad?” 

“I'd advise you to visit Madame Pomfrey.” Snape said, not moving a muscle. 

“I'm sure it's not that bad–” 

“It's unsightly.” He interrupted, his eyes piercing hers through his thick black hair. Y/N groaned but nodded. 

“Fine, if you're going to be like that,” She headed for the door, resting her hand on the frame. “Take notes for me though, the Ministry wants a report from me by the end of the week.” Snape nodded and turned around, tending to other work he was obviously more interested in. Y/N closed the door, still unnecessarily heavy, and headed for the infirmary.

[serendipitous-mage]

i need tto share with you all

the truly mindblowing display of geniius and logistical wordage that i just stumbled into googling--

[mellonaide-skys]

for all yall Lightning Scar fans

[system-of-a-feather]

I hope you all know that the level of which we understand how our system works as a fused whole right now is such a hilarious experience internally cause while I can identify which parts the mixed reactions are coming from, I am simultaneously SUPER in awe and astonished by how our fused brain and awareness is (himbo found arcane eldritch knowledge) AND rolling my eyes at how this is being internally blown of out of proportions cause of course we know this we lived through it AND just laughing at the meta awareness of how I am both lightheartedly annoyed at my own uber excitement. I am simultaneously vibrating at the speed of light with the knowledge of the elder gods AND really just wanting to lay down on the couch cause its just a fucking Friday man.

[zekkopunks]

pokemon indigo disk spoilers

this is the equivalent of jingling keys infront of me

[luix33]

Hi (first post epicccc)

anyways here dehydrated Kinito (made by me)

[jacobelgordi]

evil juana de arco: juana re narco

[granhairdo]

childhood trauma is selling a story you think is super funny but everyone's laughs slow down and get really awkward

[space-lver]

*crunching noises*

Damn gurl, your pussy hard as hell

[spenglerslabcoat]

Do you have a favorite joke?

A joke? Yes, of course.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0k now.

[ziggystrdust]

stupid motivation for me to start writing my fic. enjoy <3 (it’s long but i swear it funny)

James Potter was only one hour into his shift, and he felt like a zombie. The only thing he could think about was how much he hated the fucking sun. Ever since he was a kid he loved the sun, and his mother used to joke that he had his own little sun growing inside of his chest where his heart was supposed to be, but even sweet stories about his mom that make him cry at night weren't enough to distract him. It was currently 90 degrees, and he wished the sun would go fuck itself. He was hot, sweaty, tired and most importantly (in his order of importance) bored.

It's like Sirius could sense his best friend’s despair, because James was only wallowing in self-pity for one minute when he felt his walkie-talkie buzz with Sirius’ voice.

“Prongs, should we grab this kid with the blue crab trunks on and take him somewhere far, far away? He is so bloody annoying. Over.” He was talking about a attention-hungry boy who kept trying to splash water at Sirius. James tilted his head to the right to find that Sirius was looking at the kid out of the corner of his eye like he was the most repulsive thing on planet Earth.

“Please god yes. I’ll grab him, then pass him to you, and you run. Over.”

“Will you two please shut the fuck up. No kidnapping children. Do your job.”

“Awwww Mary baby, I haven’t heard from you in forever! over” cooed Sirius.

“Stop saying fucking over! You dont need to! There is literally no need!!”

“But how will you know when we’re done talking, Mary my love? Over” This time James was the one teasing her, sending a cheeky grin to the pool attendant's desk, where a very annoyed-looking Mary was sitting.

“Probably by the fact that no more fucking words would be coming out of your mouth!”

“I didn't know I could do that”

Mary sighed in a way that made James sure she was rolling her eyes. He didn’t even have to check. “Do what James” She sounded like an annoyed mother, tired of her children’s nonsense.

“Cum out of my mouth”

“HOLY SHIT JAMES! YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!”

James heard Sirius’ evil-sounding laugh from across the pool deck.

“I’m turning my walkie off. If Minnie says something important, I'm blaming it on you that I can't hear it. Fucking childre-“

She was cut off by a sharp click, and James knew she had actually turned it off. He looked over and saw Mary glaring at him while putting her walkie down on her desk.

“Dude, people keep giving me dirty looks cause they can hear yall screaming from my walkie” That was the voice of the oh-so-lovely Marlene this time, who was sitting on the lifeguard chair by the kiddy pool.

“They can hear us?”

“Yes Sirius, everyone around me can hear you guys, especially when you yell like a fucking idiot”

James looked over to see Surius giving him a wide, mischievous smirk, before lifting up his walkie-talkie to his mouth and beginning to scream into it.

“SHE’S NOT A CERTIFIED LIFEGUARD! I HAVE NO CLUE WHO SHE IS! RUN AWAY! I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE IN MY LIFE! SHE WANTS TO KIDNAP YOUR CHILDREN! RUN RUN RUN!”

“PADS WHAT THE FUCK” James could barely hear Marlene’s panicked yell over the sound of his own wild laughter.