#its not that im afraid of being gay i was born lesbian

[mephorash]

[gayhenrycreel]

#ftm is a fetish tag

disclaimer, i am a trans man

#ftm is a fetish tag. i dont know if its always been like this but it is a problem.

i can hardly find any transmascs in that tag.

there are cis women misgendering trans men as a kink, and talking about our bodies like sex dolls everywhere in that tag. its mostly cishet women using OUR tag to objectify our bodies because they are too afraid to consider that they might not be straight. it is at least half detransition kink. im very uncomfortable with cis people doing this, but if they want to i wont stop them.

but this is in OUR TAG. this is horrible. they write disgusting smut about women who are short twinks with soft tits and dripping cunts and no dysphoria at all.

they just call them trans men.

ive seen other transmascs complain about this too.

these fics are written by and for cis women. they are chasers. the way they talk about our bodies is revolting. they know nothing about trans men at all.

i know that not all trans men feel dysphoric about their bodies, but these women are still treating us like a fetish that only occurs in fiction, rather than people who have emotions and often want to have a flat chest and/or a penis.

in particular they fetishize gay trans men. all these fics are about femboys who are horrified by the concept of transitioning getting fucked by bears. the people writing this view transitioning as mutilation. its very obvious.

ive noticed that this occasionally extends to fetishizing cis men with gynecomastia. its clear they want to fuck women but think lesbians are disgusting, so they call the women in their fics men, but misgender them throughout the text.

i hardly see any representation for trans men who even want to transition. newsflash: a lot of us do want to transition. many of us have already had surgery.

if you genuinely do want to write smut with GOOD portrayal of trans men, heres some tips on what we want in our representation:

trans men who dont want to transition deserve rep too, but many of us are entirely uncomfortable with our bodies. very few of us want any attention given to the parts we are born with. a lot of pre op trans men wear a binder during sex. we're not all bottoms, and some of us wear strap ons.

when we're on testosterone, it causes vaginal atrophy, similar to menopause. it gets very dry down there and easily irritated. this means that vaginal sex can be very painful and could even damage tissues. even without T, vaginal penetration is usually no where near as fun as it is for cis women. anything being in there is awful and sometimes painful.

anal sex is a thing. its not gross. its perfectly normal. it just requires some lubricant, and for a trans man, is a lot more comfortable than vaginal sex.

shockingly, most of us do not want to be called girls.

dont misgender a trans person in a sex scene. at all. some of us like to be called good boys during sex. stop calling us girls.

some of us have had surgery. it is NOT mutilation. it is life saving. top surgery is one that we get most frequently. the results do look just like a cis mans chest. there are long thin scars under the pecs, but these fade after a few years. they may not even be visible. bottom surgery exists too.

metoidioplasty creates a micropenis out of the clitoris. it does look real. it looks like a regular micropenis. it has full sensation.

phalloplasty uses a flap of skin, usually from the forearm, and turns it into a penis. this surgery is more complex and is done in multiple stages. after it is complete, it looks like a circumcised penis. its size is dependent on the flap of skin used to make it, so it can actually be larger than average. (on r/phallo someone even got a reduction surgery because his dick was 7 inches long). the area the skin flap was taken from has pretty big scarring. it looks like the result of a severe burn. it is sometimes covered by a tatoo. there is a lot of misinformation about phalloplasty. it is a big surgery, but it is no where near as dangerous as the internet would have you believe. after it has fully healed it does look real, and a genital nerve is usually hooked up to the penis. it can take a while to heal (years), but after a few months sensation begins to return as the nerves heal. the clitoris is often buried in the base of the penis, and if a genital nerve hook up is done the penis can have full sensation, including the tip. not everyone gets full sensation, and it can take years for sensation to fully return, but 93% of men who get phalloplasty are satisfied with the results. that is a lot. it is quite rare that sensation is fully lost, so yes, you can orgasm after phalloplasty. one thing to note is that a phalloplasty penis cant get hard on its own. there are two types of implant for erections. one is a rod inside the penis, which can last over 20 years before needing a replacement. the rod is flexible, so can be positioned as an erection. the other implant is a internal pump that is more complicated than the rod, and needs to be replaced roughly every 15 years. it is filled with water and sits inside the penis. to get an erection, you squeeze one of the testicles, which is a pump implant, pushing the water into the penis, causing an erection.

most importantly, we are men. we can be feminine. we can be masculine. we can look exactly like cis men. dont forget that we are people, we are real. we are not some sex fantasy.

[iphisesque]

As a baby gay I don't want to put any pressure on myself or be limited by labels, though I understand the need of people to feel that they belong somewhere, and I strive for queer representation in media. Problem is unfortunately there's so much toxicity in platforms like tiktok, and everything is immediately categorized, everyone has a readymade perception for everything gay, relationships etc... And while Im so happy to start discovering, all this toxic cloud has made me anxious and upset, like im missing out on something.

baby it's fine, you're completely normal! first thing you want to do is delete tiktok immediately, or at the very least get away from Gay TikTok: getting muddled in discourse and identity bullshit and little boxes is genuinely harrowing for the soul of anyone, let alone a baby gay in the process of figuring themselves out.

i came out at a time where tumblr lgbtq discourse was at its peak, and i still suffer the effects from that; tiktok and twitter take those ideas and make them tenfold, giving way to a whole new generation of baby gays born embroiled in discourse and too busy arguing the meaning of fucking placiolithsexuality or whatever instead of focusing on what really matters in life.

most of the people discoursing about queer shit online do so because they have no real life outlet for their queerness, and as such have a very limited idea of what a queer person or a queer relationship looks like: ignore them and carry on being yourself, you're perfect as you are!

it's perfectly fine and normal to not want labels, especially if you're a young teenager - and i don't want to make assumptions, but you definitely strike me as one! call yourself whatever you want, experiment with sexuality labels and pronouns and presentation or whatever you want as safely as your environment allows you to, have fun! i remember when i was 12 i would call myself fluid and every day say "i feel lesbian today" "i feel bisexual today" and so forth, which is very cringe in retrospect but was also just me playing around with my potential orientation.

queer representation is always and inevitably a mixed bag in most media: i have to say the gay media scene looks far more vast, if far more soullessly corporate, today than when i was 12 (i latched onto glee and later skam like a baby to its mother's breast), so you can easily find the silly teen romcom just as you can find the heavy existential horror movie.

i personally don't look out for Queer Representation In Media anymore, i just watch and read what i want and some of the times it ends up being some variety of queer or queercoded (i engage with a lot of older, so often less explicitly gay, media), but i totally remember being a baby gay and wanting all the representation i could get my hands on. my advice is watch what you want, look up "cute gay romcom" or "gay arthouse horror" or whatever genres you prefer to find some reclists, and don't be afraid to branch out into foreign media!

lots of love honey, i hope i was of some help to you! let me know how things go, have a great day <3

[ybcomplicated]

No i dont wanna get anyone mad or undermine their actual choices.

But i have to say.

Being gay or trans is not a 'cool fad'.

I understand there are people who are actually gay and trans. I myself and pansexual. I know someone who was literally BORN THAT WAY. their entire life. 3 years ago they came out as gender fluid.

But when kids or even fucking teenagers (i dont see adults do it as much) decide one day hey im gay, or im trans. And then a week or a couple months later change their mind.... makes me frustrated. NOT TO SAY SOME OF THEM ARENT ACTUALLLY GAY OR TRANS AND JUST MAYBE CONFUSED OR AFRAID TO COME OUT. Im not saying that.

But when i was in middle school, it was like it was 'cool' to be gay. Boys having boyfriends, girls having girlsfriend, or just saying that they were gay. Not even bi-sexual or whatever else. But actually gay/lesbian. Or how now, its they are trans, but then change their minds.

Not everyone is like that. I know that. But when people pretend to be gay or trans just for like clout. Or popularity. Or to be cool?

That undermines others. That disrespects actual gay and trans people. The hardships they face, the injustices, and prejudice, and fear, and confusion, and issues of knowing themselves and the body dysmorphia they go through. I just.... find it unfair and rediculous.

Now, im not saying this to get anyone mad, thats not my intention. And yes, everyone is welcome to have their own confusions, and 'phases' or experiments. But just... respect actual trans and gay people while and after you have those moments in your life. And respect the things they go through and how strong they are.

I dont know if im expressing my feelings correctly, but its pride month and just, its always bothered me.

[sighfertryptich]

Im going to rant(ish), skip if you want.

So I was watching a video (its the “Generations React to Dan Howell and Eugene Lee Yang Coming Out On Youtube” video by FBE) and everyone started sharing their coming out stories, and everyone was sharing that they were either scared or felt a freak by it. I felt that I wanted to, considering this is the only platform I have on here that I can express myself to the fullest without judgement, share my own, even though I am not in an accepting household.

So, let me start out with this. Growing up, I thought I was straight. There were no signs of me feeling any different than other kids. I was one of the more innocent children, I didnt care about gender identity or sexuality. I just cared about who I was going to play with at recess. By the time I hit fifth grade, I was naïve to the fact that not everyone was attracted to everyone around them. I didn’t understand that some boys only liked girls, and some girls only liked boys. In my community, it was rare that the gays and lesbians understood what it was, so they werent around to put that knowledge in our vocabulary. To me, if you had a crush, it could be on either a female or a male, whether or not you were the same gender or the opposite.

Reaching middle school, about a year later, our views were widened. People around me were realizing or expressing their sexualities. I, on the other hand, still didn’t understand that there were labels to these things. (Keep in mind, there still weren’t lesbians or gays out in the open yet. Everyone was either bisexual or straight.)

When this new vocabulary came to light, I could finally attempt to put a name to myself, liking both men and women.

I accepted the term bisexual for myself at the ripe age of 11.

I didn’t plan on telling my parents. I never wanted to. They didnt have to know who I was imagining kissing, they didnt have to know who I had crushes on. To this day, I never planned on telling them until the day came that I would have to. As in, if the time came, I would tell them when I got engaged to a woman.

Throughout middle school, I was labeled bisexual. It just felt normal to like who I wanted to like, and the people I surrounded myself with accepted me. I guess I got lucky with that. Reaching into high school, I got my first serious woman x woman crush. Every single day, she’d come into class and I would just gush over her. She was gorgeous. And being honest, a ripe 13 year old me was in her scene phase, and this girl oozed alternative. She had a grunge look, part of her hair was dyed sea-foam green, and she was sweet and funny and kind. As far as I knew, she liked me back.

I remember my first Sadie Hawkins dance. I got with my school’s GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) Club and put together this whole thing where me and a couple friends made shirts that said “Will you go to Sadie Hawkins with me?” She said yes! but then later the dance was canceled and we just made other plans. As time went on, she led me on to thinking she liked me. I found out she didn’t and that she was wasting her time on me when she got with one of my guy friends.

This is when my chronic depression stepped its pussy up. Thank you Dan Howell for giving me that quote.

When I was 15, I moved to my small town a state over where I reside to this day. I was still labeling myself as bisexual. I met my first lesbian that year. (And yes, this was my first time meeting a lesbian. Im serious.) She became my best friend for the next 3 and a half years. She opened me to the world of different labels and helped me through finding out what I realized I truly was.

I was, and am, Pansexual. And a proud one at that. #PansexualPride.

I got my first serious girlfriend when I was 18. Or at least, I thought it was serious. I was head over heels for her. She claimed she was bisexual. [I say claimed because she admitted after we broke up that she was straight.]

Long story short, she used me to go to RenFest, then broke up with me a week later blaming her depression, then got with some dude a day later.

A couple of months later, I met a girl through an app called Amino. She was pansexual, like me, and we had a lot of the same interests. Only problem was that while I lived in Louisiana, she lived on an island off the coast of Florida.

Although our relationship didn’t last long, I added her because this was the first time in my entire life that I actually could see myself marrying a woman.

Let me explain.

Up until this point, I had only ever seen myself marrying a man. Yes, I had an attraction to women. Ive dated women, although not many, but never could see myself marrying any of them. Nothing wrong with that.

During this time, I cut my hair very short. Like, pixie-cut with an undercut. My intentions to cut it were that it’d be easier to put up into wigs when I cosplayed, and it’d be less to take care of and look good. We’ll come back to this later.

Directly after our 3 month anniversary, yes I do month anniversaries, I met my current girlfriend, Cole.

I swear, it was one of those moments where you see someone and you know they’re going to be in your life for years to come. [Fun fact - she told me that after she had met me for the first time, she joked with her friend that her and I “would have an August wedding” even though we barely had passed a few sentences between each other.] There’s just that feeling when you look someone in the eyes and know that there’s something special about them. Something you want - no, need - in your life, whether it’s to make a life-long decision or just to help you grow as a person.

I started dressing more comfortably. I no longer wore skirts or dresses. I wore jeans and t-shirts and hats and less makeup. I wore chains attached to my belt loops. All in all, I started looking more masculine, even though it was just me dressing comfortably. My job allowed it, I was earning the money to allow me to buy clothes like this. It made me happy. I started feeling more comfortable with more masculine terms rather than strictly feminine terms, ie. “mans, they, them, boy” etc. I wasn’t uncomfortable when someone said I looked like a boy, nor was I uncomfortable with my female body. I just didnt care. It wasnt insulting as I was raised to think it was. In fact, I encouraged it. I allowed - and still allow - people to think I was whatever gender they assigned me with. In all, I became Genderfluid. Gender Neutral, if you will.

Now, we’re going to back up just a tiny bit. Tee tiny, nothing big.

About a month before I met Cole, someone outted me to my mother. Keep in mind, I was never planning on coming out to her. My older sister is like me, Pansexual. She strives on the fact that she doesnt tell people she’s in a woman x woman relationship unless people directly ask. She doesnt label her sexuality. And I look up to her severely for that.

My mother is homophobic. She says she isn’t, and maybe she’s not, due to the fact she accepts my sister and her girlfriend, and hopes they get married someday. But for me, I was supposed to be the ray of hope. I was supposed to be blonde, straight, thin, cheerleading captain female who went to college and became highly successful. I wasn’t supposed to be the 5-foot-8, blue haired, overweight, artsy gender fluid kid she had who dropped out of high school, got their GED, and “doesnt show signs of responsibility” (- per my mother, who doesnt want to put me through college) kid she ultimately got.

Dressing how I felt was comfortable and loving who I wanted to love brought me hate from the one person who should love me unconditionally - my own mother. Most people were given hate by their peers, being called gay and butch. My hate was given from the person who gave me life. My mother has said that she regrets getting pregnant with me, and that she would’ve stopped after her first two kids. In fact, she had her tubes tied BEFORE she got pregnant with me. I was being born, with or without her consent. She has told me countless times that she feels like she failed as a parent due to the way I came out as an adult.

To this day, she tells me that I constantly look “too lesbian” or “too butch” and that I need to “go back to how I used to look”. She doesnt accept that I like women. She calls me a lesbian - and everyone knows that when you like both men and women, you’re very obviously not a lesbian. Ive told her countless times that I’m not a lesbian. But she never listens. She uses the term lesbian as anyone in middle school would use the word gay - as an insult.

It makes me confused. How could you raise your kid - which by the way, Im the first kid she raised on her own, her other two were raised with either my grandmother or the baby’s father - and tell them you’re disgusted by their happiness? How could you be okay with one pansexual daughter and hate the other?

(This next part might be TMI but it makes another avid point.)

How can you be okay with your daughter sending explicit pictures to a boy, but be disgusted by your daughter holding hands with a girl?

I still have to hide my relationship with Cole. It makes me sick to my stomach to not be able to say “Mom, this is my girlfriend.” with the girl I care ever so deeply for. I want to take her to family events and show her to the world, screaming at the top of my lungs that Cole is mine and mine alone.

Cole tells me that I’m an idiot when I get gushy. In fact, she’ll probably text me saying I made her cry (dont worry, its tears of love) if she gets to the end of this.

Cole is gorgeous. Even when I spend the night, and she’s got sleep in her eyes the next morning, teeth not yet brushed, hair a mess, making gross yawning faces, I still think she’s quite possibly the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. She’s always got me nonstop laughing, doubling over and straight up snorting sometimes. She’s caring and headstrong, not afraid to stand up for what she believes in.

I want to be able to show her off.

But I cant with a mother like mine.

So, long story short, I grew up in an accepting community. Fell hard for some men and some women. Grew up and realized who I was as a person. Found someone who accepts me through each and every questioning moment I have with myself. Yet, I cant show her off like the people around me all because of the one person who gave me life.

I guess you could say this is the end, but everyone knows its a To Be Continued. You just gotta roll with what life gives you, whether or not the people in your life are there to love you or hurt you.

If you got this far, I applaud and also thank you. I’m not able to rant to anyone like this, so if you took the time to read this, I appreciate it. No one wants to hear my story. If you do…

My name is Marley, and I am a Pansexual, Gender Neutral, KPop loving cosplayer who is not afraid to love who they want to love.

Thank you ♡

(Btw, sorry if I got off track towards the end. My mind wanders when telling stories. I wrote this on my phone so I’ll go back and add a “Keep Reading” thing if you’d rather just skip it.)

[pumpumdemsugah]

no reblogs

disturbing things ive been thinking wrt my sexuality and back home 

since my mother and sister on different occasions joking and not joking alluded to me being a lesbian more and more i keep thinking of what would happen if i went back home and people found out but mostly if men found out im gay. i have family back there so its not like im chilling over here disconnected from where i was born 

whenever its my bday my sister that lives in the caribbean will put a picture up of me as her status picture and because of that guys will ask her “when is she coming back home to visit” but given my long time gay habit of not liking men she’ll say “she won’t like you”  or “she’s probably going to be rude to you” and thats funny for the most part cause she’s only told me this a few times cause she knows id find it annoying but funny. the issue with that is i dont know how invested any of these men are in my attention and i dont know what type of reaction lesbian would have on them. i dont think either my sister or mother would say anything but a few months ago my mum made up her mind that im a lesbian so when people asked about my life thats what she told them and lol shes right but godddd !!!

i know people will think that im wasting what i am if i don’t have a husband and i really dont care about that but i dont trust men back home to be around me and know im gay without trying something that won’t make me grab a cutlass and swing for their neck 

i have a small group of Black lesbian friends now and its really helped but now and again when im feeling anxious i think about this

unless my sister becomes incredibly important on our island so people would be afraid to try anything, im risking violence and rape if i go back home and people know. its definitely made me very paranoid and generally the way i process things is i obsess about it until i don’t 

[jinglyjangly]

I know this is out of nowhere but I wanted to ask another trans person for advice. Because my family are super nosey and insensitive when asking me questions and just barging in and starting a conversation about what's in my pants, am I gay or straight, misgendering me and just being super fucking rude sometimes I get really mad but then I wonder if I'm even allowed to. Bcs when I get mad they say how else are they supposed to know and I'm just being dramatic and I feel guilty. Maybe their right

There was a few things that made me realize i was trans that really helped me. I write down a lot of what im thinking in notebooks and how i feel to  affirm myself over and over, it helps

-cisgender people have no fucking idea what being trans actually is 99% of the time. I was always told and so i believed being trans was “a boy who wants to be a girl” or a boy “trying” to be a girl, or someone who is “unhappy with their gender” and... etcetera. Being trans is actually realizing that you werent born a girl or boy, you were born a baby with no concept of gender or language or ANYTHING, but society forces the cisgender binary on us through thousands of years of cultural influence. Western culture forces these ridged customs and reinforces them  to uphold oppression. Thats one reason it’s called homophobia/transphobia,  people ARE afraid of lgbt ppl, we turn their perception of what a perfect cis binary society should be on its head by just existing. Their fear turns to hate.

- being trans isnt a political statement/ phase/ trend to get attention and never will be. Its about how you feel about yourself, its never about anyone else. Only you can ever know your true self and your gender, everyone else only sees you how they want to see you, and its influenced by what you show yourself to them. 

- your not wrong or broken or mentally ill for deviating from societies norms. Wanting to love yourself as your gender isnt wrong. Breaking societies imaginary rules doesnt make you ill. 

Like honestly your family sounds abusive and you should seek help, but i really cant give you any advice on how to deal with them specifically because im no professional. Youd have to find a therapist or someone who actually knows how to deal with that kind of problem. All i can really tell you is that im only out to a certain amount of people and “lie” about it a lot, but its not a bad thing to do that. The moment i knew i was 100% a trans man and not a bi woman, lesbian with compulsive heterosexual, or asexual was when I realized i could be any of these things and its okay if i am. Like, i could be any of these and its not wrong. But when i look in the mirror, talk to myself, daydream, and have designated safe spaces with friends/online where i could just sorta trywhatever i wanted and  i just sort of embraced being trans more comfortably then anything else. But i also had to just...isolate anyone else from my mind to see what i really want and who i really am. It sounds dumb but try just meditating on it before you let people gaslight you out of your own gender. I wish i couldve figured mine out earlier, it wouldve helped me a lot.

[shut-up-morales]

Only two years. I just hope it's not two years too long.

Just thought vomit going somewhere into the void.

My name is Miles. I wasn't born Miles. I'm a transgender man, and I was born female. Female name, female body, female future.

Until last year.

After spending the last four years miserable I finally figured out why I feel the way I do. Why my hips make me uncomfortable, why my voice annoys me to no end, and why my chest makes me want to vomit. I joined my high school's GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) this last year, my sophomore year, and I started out thinking I was a lesbian.

Throughout the year I spent a lot of time making friends with the people in GSA, and a lot of time reconsidering myself, this involved no small amount of self loathing and depression. Eventually I started calling myself by a different name. Then I changed my name again and called myself nonbinary, and for a short time it was better, I felt more okay. It didn't last long, I had chosen a very feminine name and it started to get to me.

For a while I was lost, my friends were struggling to change my name at that point, and most stopped trying with name and pronouns. For a while I stopped trying, I was too tired to try to make it work. After weeks of confusion and despair I started to try to motivate myself, trying out masculine names and narrowing down what I liked to a select few, my favorite for a while was Sean, but it never felt quite right. Later on, as I was talking to one of my closest friends about my name (a subject that I was terrified of at that point) and while I was talking to her started watching a Miles McKenna (MilesChronicles) video on YouTube, and I started crying. I was watching his "I am Miles" video. That was the moment when I realized I was not nonbinary, I was a trans guy.

I spent the next few days scrolling name websites, and trying to figure out who I was, and wanted to be. I ended up going back to the video I was watching before ("I am Miles"), and then asked a nonbinary friend of mine what they thought of the name Miles, and if it was weird if I took the name of someone I looked up to. They said they thought the name fit me well, and that it wasn't uncommon for trans people to take names of people they like or admire.

So that's where I got my name, from the man that, inadvertantly, helped me figure out who I was. I "stole" my name from Miles McKenna.

I'm 16 as of 2018. Im out to my mom and (possibly ex soon) step dad. My mom will not let me come out to the rest of my family, because my little sister is only 8 years old, and money is too tight for me too transition, and because my mom is married to my step dad (who has a good enough paycheck just to keep the house running and therefore voids any help), there is no help from the state, or any health insurance at all. I feel pathetic and selfish because its like a knife to the heart to hear the wrong name and pronouns from people who know everyday. It's not something I can bring up to them either, I might be being a coward about it, but after years of verbal and emotional abuse, I fear backlash too much.

I've been dealing with depression since I was around 10, not long after my dad's death and moving to Alaska to live with my mom. My mother is verbally and emotionally abusive, and so is my step dad. When I was 14 my depression worsened and ever since I've been dealing with self harm and eating disorders alongside dysphoria.

I have two years until I can move out, and if I want to move out I need to get as many scholarships as humanly possible and save money to be able to live on my own until I get a job. Hopefully I will be able to attend the same college as a very close friend of mine and I won't be alone.

After everything that has happened in the last six months or so (possible divorce, being shoved out of my home, and depression/anxiety/etc), I've come to realize that so much can happen in two years.

No one is really meant to see this, I just needed to vent and get it out of my system since seeing a post about the rates of transgender suicide and how high they are. I don't want to be a statistic, but I'm afraid that in the next two years I might be.

For anyone who may read this, please have hope. Let it live in your heart no matter how small, if we all have a little hope, you end up with a lot. We can make it. We have to believe we can make it.

[zippers]

trauma talk under cut. cw for irl csa/p*dophilia/gr00ming and h*mophobia okay. also w*ncest. i just need to get this off of my chest

so ever since ive been watching s*pernatural/engaging with fancontent i have been super super super paranoid of running into the person who, um.... let’s just say, groomed me with s*pernatural stuff. like, would show me her de-aged (like, elementary aged) explicit w*ncest roleplays that was eerily similar to what she did to me as a kid (which was a whole other can of worms that i somehow had repressed until we were sharing a bed at a c*mic c*n and then a massive panic attack, s/o to the cl*ssic d*ctor who f*ndom for getting me thru that night honestly, okaaaay, anyway), she even borrowed my ipod touch to write it once because she was going thru “w*ncest withdrawals”, would make me do roleplays with her and her other adult friends, sent me explicit fanart and talked about how sexy the actors were, also was a MASSIVE homophobe and her mom told her that she didnt like me because i was “obsessed with gay sex” when i was THIRTEEN (she wouldve been 18) because i watched g/lee, and she would force me to watch s*pernatural and, like, check my n*tflix account (i gave her the login bc her born again chr*stian mom wouldnt let her watch s*pernatural) to make sure i was watching s*pernatural.... god everything was just so awful. i didnt even want to watch s*pernatural, it was way too dark/adult for me. also i was a lesbian! i wrote a letter to future me when i was 13 that my teacher mailed out when i graduated hs and basically the two things i said were “i think [redacted] might be abusive and a sexual predator and also i think i might be a lesbian” lol. and i did not want to be seeing these weird shirtless guys and she shamed me so hard for it. like, she caused so much internalized homophobia... and obviously a lot of other traumas... thankfully i confessed to my mom (never told her about what happened when i was a kid but i kind of think she suspects but she doesn’t pry) and she was a superhero, she cut off [redacted]’s mom, who was her friend from when she was a born again chr*stian (which she refers to as a cult, like, she is an atheist and, like, a liberal who is slowly becoming more radical with time, also a member of lgbt community, we love her, she is the best) and has believed and respected me when i tell her about how evil [redacted] was to me. and when i did cut her out of my life i had just turned 15 and she had just turned 20, if that shows how fucked up this whole thing was. and like there is so much more that i cant even face myself to this day. this is the first time im actually writing/talking about some of these things....

ANYWAY back to the original point, is that I have NO idea how active [redacted] is in the fandom today, i have her blocked on every platform imaginable. i made her make a tumblr back in 2013 but at least that tumblr has stayed blank, she was on facebook roleplay groups and i have her roleplay facebooks blocked bc she kept making new ones to contact me lol. I do remember that she was a shitty roleplayer lol but what if she ended up writing, idk, some epic novel length fanfic that i read and comment and she somehow finds me? or through tumblr? even if she doesnt find me i would feel so sick if i found out that it was her’s. i dont remember if she shipped d*stiel back then but that was almost 7 years ago now. and i obviously am not reading w*ncest lol. though i do remember that she liked d/ean and it makes me feel dirty because i like him because he reminds me of myself.

so its like. such a fucking bummer because i cant even enjoy this campy thing that is right up my ally because i’m constantly being triggered while i engage with it. or i am just so afraid i will bump into her. like i scout every blog before i follow it and stuff like that. i just panicked for 30 minutes because the author of a fanfic i just finished and enjoyed had the same first name as her middle name. (though going thru the archive told me that it wasnt her because in 2013, before [redacted] ever had a tumblr, the author was posting g/lee and [redacted] always called me gross and made fun of me for watching g/lee.)

and it’s 7:30 am so i am just gonna go to bed now

[limpblotter]

I keep seeing these things where kids raised by gay parents hate it and miss the missing gender parent figure and they wish they had straight parents and it makes me afraid to be a parent because im a lesbian and maybe im projecting but maybe usnavi would be worried too

Nothing wrong with projecting onto characters but I have to add in my two cents, whether it eases your fear or not: 

Being gay does not make you a good parent or a bad parent. Kids are not born with the ability to really see there is something different in their until until an outside force shows them this. That being said it is, impossible for kids of same sex parents to grow up and not realize that there is a sex “missing” and naturally kids are kids. They are going to want things for the sake of wanting them. They’ll want a mom or a dad like the majority of their friends. But that does not mean they genuinely “hate” it. Be the best parent you can be, regardless of what your family unit is. I grew up with a single mother and every damn day I wished more than anything I had a dad. I hated the fact I had one parent, but now that I’m older. I realize I haven’t missed out on a thing. My mom is the best parent I could have asked for, and she’s not the best because she’s a single, strong woman. She is the best because she did everything in her power to give me the childhood I had. 

At the end of the day, you being a loving parent will always project on your child more so than what they think is missing because the outside world says x and y are the norm. Its normal to have that fear but I promise you, love triumphs over all and children who are LOVED will never hate their parents no matter who they are. 

[iv-kplpt]

aaand Octavia?

Full Name: octavia the water witch. no surname, witches don’t use thoseGender and Sexuality: she’s a lesbianPronouns: she/herEthnicity/Species: a witch, which i kind of consider to be a separate species? not quite human blood, old blood, magical blood. actually i might make octavia into a source of my superheroes powers.Birthplace and Birthdate: she was born a loooong time ago near venice, during the rule ofno, im sorry, i cant just say that, i cant. DOGE CONTARINI. fucking english translations of non-english terms, man.Guilty Pleasures: she doesn’t know the term nor she needs toPhobias: well, she’s a witch from an old witch family. i’d say she’s quite afraid of fire, even though it can’t really hurt her.What They Would Be Famous For: she’s the last witch of her branch, her mother and sisters either died or disappeared, and yet - octavia remained.What They Would Get Arrested For: also for being a witch. and in certain time periods - for being gay.OC You Ship Them With: margarita, both the original and her descendant.OC Most Likely To Murder Them: jared williamson has some weird problem with lesbians.Favorite Movie/Book Genre: period dramasLeast Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: the only girl in a boys clubTalents and/or Powers: she’s a water witch, meaning: she can control the water particles, she can use water as a way of communication, she can use it as a source of information (she can ask a river what happened by its bank and the water will reply), and - to a smaller degree - can communicate and control water-bound creatures, like ensuring the local fishermen will always catch enough to feed their families.Why Someone Might Love Them: that’s a question she also asks herself.Why Someone Might Hate Them: she’s a witch, a powerful one.How They Change: she comes out of her shell and starts living againWhy You Love Them: because she’s a sad girl!

[halcyon-bluevista]

My Coming Out Story! Bisexual Woman to Straight Woman. LGBTQ+ Friendly (NOT A TESTIMONY)

Hi! This is my story of coming out as a straight woman from a former bisexual women. Id just like to make the disclaimer that this is not a religious testimony, it is not an attempt to convert anybody and I am an ally of the LGBTQ+ community! I intend to share my story for myself and for others who may be looking for someone in relation to themselves for it has been my personal struggle to find advice, help, and sympathy on this topic.

I grew up in a Pentecostal church, attended church every Sunday and youth groups every Wednesday. Before I left the church and denounced my faith as a Christian I was a good little baptized church girl but had not yet been exposed to the hatred and or disbelief/ nonacceptance of the LGBTQ+ community within it. As I got older, and I started to understand the themes in service and youth group sermons. They became heavier and unjustified to me. It was hard for me to listen and accept the “sin” of same sex love. 

As a little girl (11-13), I had already innocently engaged in same sex acts with my girl friends. Playing imaginary games like house (as kids do), acting as the man/husband in the relationship, kissing, touching, reenacting the things we saw our parents do. I was definitely aware of my sexual attraction at a young age but had never been aware of the skewed views the world had on gay people, so sexual feelings were just feelings to me, I didn't know what I was doing just what felt good at the time. As I got older and dating came into play for us the norm was girl/guy relationships and that is what I fell into as well.

In 9th grade my mother came out as lesbian. By this time I had already been inching my way out of the church because of my counter beliefs. It came to no surprise to me really as I had already had a hunch, turns out it took her so long to come out to me because she thought I was homophobic, and oh was she wrong. I had already had my first girl/girl sexual experience and thought I was bisexual too. My aunt, a flamboyant lesbian woman who I adore and admire had me integrated into the LGBTQ+ community since I was 7. I have always loved everyone for whoever they are and whoever they loved, it never phased me. 

Since I had such a strong sense of community and acceptance around me, I never had to go through the struggle of coming out. Most of my friends had told me I was gay even before I fully accepted it myself and my mum had always encouraged me to bring home women over men. To me it felt like it was my destiny to be Bisexual. 

My first relationship was with a man and lasted about 3.5 years, grade 9-11. After this ended I wanted to explore my sexuality more, as one should if they feel inclined. Things were quite rough for me at home and I went through a traumatizing experience (sexual assault) that left me with no friends. From here I fell into the arms of a fairy tale of woman that showed me empathy, compassion and remorse in my time of need. I thought I had fallen in love, and I did, just not in the way I now know love to be as an adult. She was so freely open with her sexuality, and opened me up to so much in the LGBTQ+ community that I still hadn't seen (being from a small town). This came to an abrupt end to me as my traumatizing experience left me with a lot of unbearable baggage. So I moved to the city.

After moving to the city things didn't get much better. Things were still rocky at home for me. I left home at 16, taking on the world for myself. Renting, working, and going to school, through this I really dove into my bisexual urges. I slept with woman and men quite equally and declared myself openly a bisexual woman with no question about it. 

Im 21 now, and finally starting to figure out my sexuality. I have been questioning the psychology behind why im attracted to men and why im attracted to women and its been a frightening and difficult journey. If I dive into why im attracted to men it makes sense in my head, love, romance, lust, marriage, instinctual, future & growth, protection, and you know all the average straight people do das. But when I question why im attracted to women it gets gray. I cant see myself romantically involved with women, or see a future with them. I would be considered what is called a “top”,  to break it down in gender role terms, the man, I wear the pants when im with women. There had to be reason to this, why dont I feel romantic feelings to these women that im so blatantly attracted to if I can feel romantic feelings towards men? 

This is what ive come to, and remember this is a personal journey, I dont expect this to make sense or reside with other bisexual woman who also dont feel romantic feelings towards woman because sexuality is different for everyone. I think being with women gave me a sense of power and control. Something I lacked a lot of in my teenage years. What I also recently realized is that I dont let women perform sexual acts to me, because I lose that sense of control, something I only feel comfortable giving away to men. On top of this I see that when I did experiment with letting women try sexual acts on me, I couldn't get into it or id lose the feeling or desire completely and I have never reached climax or came close from it. I appreciate the intrinsic value of beauty women are born with and I think many and most women are born with this ranging ability. 

With all of this in mind I have come to the conclusion that I am not really Bisexual, but rather straight. Now, coming to this conclusion has been hard for a number of reasons. 1. I couldn't find anyone online or in real life with similar experience. This really bothered me, I know its not difficult socially to be straight as thats just the norm, but since my norm is the LGBTQ+ world, it was for me. I searched and searched and searched for someone or something I could relate to but all of my finding resulted in videos or articles or people talking about, Conversion camps (YUCK), religious testimonies where people have “seen the light of gods word” and now think they have sinned in their past, or extreme left/liberal men and women telling me I am being conditioned or brainwashed from my liberation. I WAS ANGRY and felt alone. I still am and this is why im writing this, in hope that someone going through a similar scenario can find this and feel comfort in the fact that they are not alone  2. I thought I was going to lose my community. Since I had no support system or advice/help on my coming out path, I had convinced myself the LGBTQ+ community would shun me for being straight ~which I now know is ridiculous because we love people with whatever sexuality they identify with~ The LGBTQ+ community has been my home and the number one place I felt accepted regardless of my sexuality. Losing them would be like losing my family. and 3. I didn't think people would believe me. To my friends and family ive always been the one so comfortable being the bisexual I thought I was. I was scared for the comments and justification I would have to bring to the table while making this bold statement. As I built up the courage to do this though, my lovely peoples around me have proven me so wrong and I cant thank them enough for it. 

Here is what I have to say to anyone who is coming to these terms for themselves. There is no one way street, if something can happen one way it can happen another. You are not losing anything by being your true self. Dont be afraid to come to your friends and community with your questions and concerns. If people accept you you're in the right crowd and theres nothing wrong with changing your sexuality as you grow one way or the other. We need to be comfortable with our sexuality and not be influenced or conditioned into thinking one way or the other but rather discover by exploration who we truly are. You are loved and if you dont feel that way there are people out there that will love you for you. Me being one, id also like to use this as a open invitation for people to discuss everything I have said either with me ~my inbox is open~ or in the public and I encourage people with similar experiences to share their stories so we dont feel so alone!

I genuinely thank anyone who took the time to read this lengthy post as its something iv wanted to share for a while. Peace & Love.

[lnane]

between the ages of like 10 and 14 i spent a majority of my free time and school recees walking around and daydreaming about one solid story and its different spinoffs constantly. 

in this story i essentially created a universe like ours except it revolved around the logic that if “the emotional/mental pain you feel is great enough, you wont feel phyiscal pain” cuz i was like 11 and edgi and thought i was so very special compared to my peers.

so anyways this storys protagonist was a self insert character who, just like me, went to school and all that jazz. And then, as many preteens/teens might dream about, a Tragedy™ struck my school and it was Attacked by Random Terrorists™ and my character so Heroically Died Trying To Protect Everyone(™)

so anyways due to plot points i cant exactly remember but might get to the character didnt actually die. INSTEAD, they were thrown back into the dawn of time. Like, they ended up being the first thing existing. And the thing was that due to this was before literally everything else existed, death wasnt a thing yet. So! Character could not die! Just. Yeet around and exist! What a wonderful existance!

So anyways after like. A Long Time™ of that, gods just sorta appeared. And they did Not Like the existance of this character. like: “this dude is not only older than us but sentient and cant die???? bitch. fuck you” was their entire character. also they were evil and garbage.

But this didnt affect Character much. After all, they cant die. so why be afraid? they kept yeeting around trying to find a meaning to existance for a while.

And then! Sentient life happend. Dont remember if it was accidental or the gods created them or smth but anyways the Character fell in love! :0!! Got a nice wife and cottage to live and was happy!! :D

then the gods basically grew tired of the sentient life and killed them all. which made Character mad. And gave them super emotional pain cuz 12 y/o me thought “hm. whats the most emotionally painful thing that can happen to you? losing someone you love? like a wife? hm. make sense. lets roll with that” and yea.

so Character was not only basically immortal before, but now theyre Super Immortal! wow! so yea they went on a rampage hunting the gods and killing them all. (god of war style)

And this is were the Fun Stuff (according to 13 y/o me, cuz i reapet this part of the story Constantly) happens! When killing a god, their powers got absorbed by Character! So by the end of it all they were The One All Mighty God. which was like. neat ig. 

and then time passed or smht idk i dont recall anyways it rolled aroudn to the time The Character Aka Me would be born and they foudn out that they lived in a time loop! and had to basically give up their existance to place their soul in the child thats about to be born so they can exist and everything will repeat forever and ever. 

character was like. hm. ok. i will like. fix this so i am born. but like. fuck the not existing part. 

and just. didnt cease to exist. idk how this worked it just Did and apparently they never thought of this in the previous loops or smth? so anyways they decided to return to their old life like. either right as they died or a year later. i never made up my mind which version to roll with

version 1: right after they die

so imagine this kid just died infront of the entire school due to some attack or smth and suddenly they just jump back up and demolish everything. yea thats the plot

version 2: a year later

so imagine this kid who died a year ago shows back up at school all of a sudden but now theyre Super Cool and Edgy and also like. and all powerful god. yea thats the plot. 

so anyways after living the regular life for a while they decide that. hm. lets do smth else. and then just fucks off to do whatever the fuck i could think of across the multiverse. 

remember that thru the entire thing they always had the “i am in too much constant mental pain to feel any kind of physical pain” edgy broodin attitude. and kept it forever. plus they were literally an all powerful god so they could do anything but was like. nah. im gonna use like 2 powers on like 0.00000001% forever (it was a literal Big Thing several times that they would like. use “100%” but in reality they just use like an entire 0.00000001%. cuz they kept limiting their own power for the lulz). 

and also at several points they transformed themselves into a woman for several reasons, some top mentions being: 

idk how it just happend. 

why not? 

to fuck a man cuz if two men had sex thatd be Gay and 12 y/o me didnt know that that was an option

to fuck a woman cuz apparently being a lesbian still was an option? idk man im dumb now cuz i was very dumb back then

lmao you got your manly pride ruined by a woman. suck it loser

idk man point bein this happend a Lot and i probably shouldve realised i am trans way earlier than i did

i think i stopped daydreaming about this story fully when i was like. 15. cuz i cant remember any of it beyond 14.