#for some reason sexuality anxiety is a really common thing for me i have to check if im into men/kids semi frequently | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

irbcallmefynn · 9 months

Text

Pinned Post for 2024!

A new year calls for a new pinned! Hi! I'm Fynn (you can also call me Fynni if you want)!

https://pronouns.cc/@irbcallmefynn <My Pronouns Page Furry, artist, autism+adhd+ocd+chronic anxiety (undiagnosed) so bear with me. I'm 20, so I reserve the right to be a freak! Despite that, this blog should be safe. I do have an 18+ sideblog but I don't wanna tag it here. I will tag things to the best of my ability when needed. If I have tagged something wrong, or forgot to tag something, Please Let Me Know. Send an ask or a message or something.

DNI lists don't really work. If I don't wanna see you here I'm just gonna block you.

I'd be careful if you're a minor. I tend to tag things as "#suggestive" fairly well, so block that if you don't wanna see that stuff and you should be fine. Especially since I have a separate 18+ blog now. If I do slip up and either forget to tag something or accidentally reblog something to or from the wrong account please let me know so I can fix it!

I'm Sex Repulsed (I do experience sexual attraction, but actual sex grosses me out), Polyamorous and Demiromantic (taken x2: @ricochete29 & @0rionslay <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 )

I'm Therian to some degree. I know I'm not a wolf or mantis or anything. Never have been. But I really wish I was anything other than a human. So Therian it is! I'm also Plushie-kin and Program-kin. Just feel like there's a lot in common between plushies and what I want to be like, and the dependence betwern programs and the machines they're on is my ideal type of relationship. I'm also Alterhuman, Please refer to me as a wolf or dog or puppy or bug or plushie it makes me happy :3 you can find my kinlist thing here

I try and stay out of politics, but sometimes I've gotta say something. So keep that in mind. If a political topic stresses me out to see constantly, I will block the tags/content. I am the master of my online experience, so if I'm seemingly ignoring a major political topic, it's probably because I don't want to stress myself out with it constantly.

I have three main OCs: Fynn (not to be confused with me. I took his name :3) is a he/him half demon wolf thing who magicked his mouth off and is basically the mascot of the blog. Nauno is a he/they avali and is extremely gay and very kleptomaniac and I love them. Euphi is a she/heart protogen that happens to be immortal for some reason. Click on their names to see their reference sheets! Click here for a link to the lore doc all about them and the world of Cosme! And click here for my truesona's ref sheet(s)!

And now, some tags. "#fynn art" is for all of my art things. Pictures mainly, little bits of music here and there maybe. "#oc lore" is for when I talk about the lore of my ocs (or worldbuilding for them). "#bedposting" is something I do every night, just kinda whatever's on my mind before bed (may be very weird so heads up). "#art rb" is just for when I reblog art, if I keysmashed a whole bunch in another tag it means I really love it :3. "#transfur" is for any furry transformation stuff cause I like that in sfw ways here. "#reblog forcing" is a tag I will use if I decide to reblog something that other people are aggressively trying to make people reblog by saying things like "You have to reblog this" or "Reblog this every time you see it" (stop doing this shit please, a lot of people have anxiety about these sorts of things).

FAQ (frequently-ish asked questions):

Do you take Commissions? No, and I currently have no plans to. I don't want to make money off of my art. I create for the sake of creating, not for fame or fortune. Unfortunately, capitalism means I need to make money or I will Fucking Die. So maybe some day I'll open icon commissions or something. I don't have any means of giving or accepting money online anyways, so that's not a possibility.

What does the IRB stand for? My real initials. My legal first, middle, and last name. It's a force of habit. If/When I get my legal name changed I will change the blog name.

Thanks for taking the time to read my pinned! Assuming you actually read it and didn't just scroll to the bottom. Regardless, I hope you have a nice day!

37 notes · View notes

keeweelyme · 3 months

Note

I’m curious abt your thoughts on the phobia bosses if you don’t mind. i always interpreted them with their kinda sexualized monster girl designs as reflecting oersted and/or streibough’s kinda misogynistic views towards alethea where they put her on a pedestal but are also incredibly ready to turn on her and see her as a monster if she chooses not to love them or fails them in some way. I’m not sure if I can say it’s intentionally written like that, since the game is from 1994 and is sometimes pretty misogynistic itself in how it handles alethea, but that’s kinda how I think abt it. I’m interested in hearing your take :0

(also I love your art and it always absolutely makes my day whenever I see it!!)

i'm glad you brought this up because like a lot of people just don't think about this in regards to the BLATANT hints that streibough was actively gaslighting and lying to alethea while she was still hostage lmao. people blame her for whatever was strei's fault though so im not surprised

but also i really don't think a lot of people process WHAT exactly the phobias are named except for gyno for obvious reasons, that being acrophobia and claustrophobia are Here Too, and the fact that gyno was renamed hygrophobia in the remake's eng ver, note that while this gets a bit into hc territory i kind of think about lal too much to really not get into that a bit, and also for like 5 years i was the only one who thought about these girls more than people who jack off to them

the archon's roost is very blatantly meant to be a mountainous region full of dark corridors and tight spaces. this is probably the most obvious thing the phobias are meant to be, a glimpse into oersted's current mental state about his surroundings. he's terrified of what's around him, and that includes alethea up ahead. however before the remake came out the common consensus was that he was afraid of what alethea would think of him in the current state he was in, or that by the time he found her she'd have turn into something else, or that she would reject him. i do think this is the baseline. oersted's grappling with this growing paranoia and resentment in his heart for the things around him out of fear and anxiety. i think there's just a part of him that knows deep down that she's his last hope against both their wills, and everyone he knows has turned against him already, so why not her too?

however on this note i have basically never heard anyone else online mention how hydrophobia has been used as a shorthand for rabies (stay with me here), aka The Disease That Makes Your Brain Shut Down, causes aggression in animals, causes delirium and hallucination, etc. i know i'm reading too hard into a localization change but i personally saw this as a hint that oersted was starting to lose it before he snapped completely. beyond the paranoia his survival instincts were starting to kick in, hell maybe the phobias are in fact just hallucinations caused by him being unable to rest ever since he was thrown in jail and on the run constantly. maybe the lord of dark was beginning to manifest inside him the moment he stepped into the roost to begin with. maybe he's beginning to blame alethea for his circumstances and knows if she's alive, he'll have to drag her back regardless of her wishes. maybe he's trying to claw his way back to his normal life without realizing he's too far gone. who knows

this one is my biggest reach but execution via falling, drowning, and crushing are some of the oldest forms of killing someone in history. i feel like the most charitable in oersted's favor interpretation is the sinking realization and fear that he's about to die, be it at the hands of lucrece's citizens, at the lord of dark's hands, or at his own if he doesn't find alethea in one piece.

idk this was a bit of word vomit but i feel like people just overall boil this segment of the medieval chapter down to how sexy gyno is, or that they're just monsters like the rest of the chapter, when the medieval chapter + final chapter has a lot of symbolism (a lot of it i will admit accidental) regarding this stuff. msot of it admittedly in my own head but thats why im lalfan bunchofnumbers babyyy

3 notes · View notes

bokvshou · 2 years

Text

when tfs came out I saw jokes saying that haru was literally possessed by albert and that's funny af but it also made me want to tell how, for me, this is comparable to one of my bpd episodes.

spoilers for free! the final stroke part 1&2.

first of all, disclaimer: I'm not trying to speak for all the people with bpd because we're all different. I'm just going to share how I related the scene (and haru) to how I experience my own episodes.

for those who don't know: "bpd" refers to "borderline personality disorder". is a mental disorder characterized by unstable relationships, intense mood swings, fear of abandonment, intolerance to be alone, frequent feelings of emptiness or boredom, and other symptoms. we don't really know what causes this disorder, but it's believed that shit like abuse (physical, emotional or sexual), childhood neglect, unstable family life or even genetics are part of the reasons.

anyway.

in an episode the symptoms vary by individual, but in my case they usually start after attacks of anxiety or anger, and sometimes due to depression. the most common trigger for me though is the feeling of abandonment, and jealousy.

the thing with bpd is that we tend to get extremist. like, a lot (this is known as splitting). for me sometimes "I forgot to tell you that I won't be able to see a movie with you today, sorry!" can mean "I don't care about you and I don't want to be with you anymore". a simple problem can turn into something bigger and affect my head in an atomic way.

(and here we must take into account that negative experiences or emotions carried over and accumulated from before make things much worse. in this case, I mean that haru already has very bad memories regarding rin stopping swimming when he's involved).

so, what happened here? well, exactly that. haruka felt safe because he thought rin would be by his side and he was brave enough to actually tell him (something we know haru has a hard time doing), so when he found out what was going on, his mind took it as something IRREPARABLE.

haru's mind thought "I'm completely alone, rin left me, he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he abandoned me again" instead of "rin is not going to swim with me this time".

although rin was only sacrificing swimming together in the present to be able to do it later in the future, with a long-term mindset, haru took it as a rejection. the terrifying idea of abandonment and the feeling of rejection was the trigger, and from that moment on, haruka's head no longer understood reasons.

it is worth mentioning that it's not the first time haru has acted like this. in fact, most of his conflicts throughout the seasons and movies share similar roots: abandonment, the feeling of loneliness, or some of his close relationships going their separate ways from him.

it happened with his best friend, it happened with his family, it happened with ikuya, and more than anything... it happened with rin. and the thing is, with rin it's always more intense, I mean, we have to remember that after all, rin is the reason why haruka was, canonically, in a depressive episode for 4 years. it's to be expected that being involved in this type of situation with him affects haru a fucking lot.

a clear example in S1, when rin (also with depression at the time, 100% confirmed) wanted to "move on" by getting rid of haru, and we can literally see how the light escapes from his blue eyes, totally hopeless and heartbroken. haru is NOT able to accept the idea of rin abandoning him. for haru the world ends the moment rin even mentions walking away, or stopping swimming, or anything similar, as seen several times.

long story short, for me haru has symptoms of bpd.

and what happens during an episode? well, I get irrational. my emotions are at 300%, I'm defensive, I explode with little provocation and I speak without thinking. haru felt hurt and that was exactly what he did, and in HIS head he was totally justified.

sometimes, in that fragile state of mind, it's... easy to say out loud all the stupid, negative, aggressive and hurtful shit you could think of. haru exploded, and subconsciously wanted to hurt rin and make him feel just as miserable as him. something like: you broke my heart and I will make you pay for it.

bpd's a lil bitch.

in those moments your perception of reality is soooo damn wrong and your head only processes what it wants: he cheated on me, he doesn't love me anymore, he is abandoning me, he prefers another person, they are lying to me, etc etc etc.

and for the others involved it's all confusing because they don't understand how you went from being perfectly fine to... that, and they don't know what they did wrong. (they probably didn't do anything wrong).

so, the albert situation™.

albert appears to haru as someone intimidating, with enormous power at the cost of being completely alone, something haru doesn't want and is afraid to face that possibility. albert serves as a physical representation of this fear.

the whole "his eyes change color and now haruka's possessed omg" thing is not literal, obviously. in addition to serving as a nice visual resource for the film, for me it's a good way to demonstrate something that happens with bpd: splitting, and symptoms such as paranoia, self-sabotage, and impulsiveness.

splitting.

it's not like haruka's possessed or we're having some "dark!haru" concept going on, haru is just splitting. splitting is basically a defense mechanism that is done unconsciously in an attempt to protect yourself against strong negative emotions like loneliness or abandonment. splitting makes one see things in absolute terms, something black/white and prevents you from recognizing any gray areas in events, people, or thoughts because supposedly the point is to easily discard the "bad" things and embrace the "good" things to protect yourself.

but seeing and responding to the world in such an extreme way can leave a person exhausted and emotionally drained. it also ends up leading to big ass problems in relationships because those close to the person end up being affected by their behavior.

paranoia.

haru looks absolutely terrified when albert "shows up". I mean, for me this is comparable to the moment when intrusive thoughts arrive. haruka gets upset, and begins to doubt his decisions, future, relationships and is afraid that his fears will come true.

then his guard is up and it looks like an anxiety attack with tachycardia, stress and cold sweat included. albert, like intrusive thoughts, comes out of nowhere and is psychological torture.

impulsiveness.

each and every one of the things he said to rin were on impulse. he wanted rin to listen that shit? never. was that how he wanted to say it? of course not. but he did it without thinking. did he really mean everything he said? I don't necessarily think so, but maybe it was a grudge accumulated from a long time ago, I mean, it's not like he told a lie, rin himself later admits that he knew how he was acting but preferred to pretend that he didn't see haru's feelings.

so, it's not that albert controls him, it's haru himself acting impulsively based on his fears, anxieties and paranoia. he's defensive because he's hurt and full of trauma and ptsd and he feels betrayed and vulnerable.

a "spirit" version of haru can be seen outside his body trying to stop himself. this is obviously not literal either, it's the part of his brain that is rational, that knows what he's thinking isn't true and wants to control himself, but during an episode YOU DON'T LISTEN.

self sabotage.

someone with bpd tends to sabotage themselves a lot, and that's exactly what haru did. he instigated a fight with rin, was then left alone and miserable, and instead of fixing it, he used it to further sink himself into the horrible mindset he was already in. because in his head there was no other option to take.

haru could have tried to understand rin's decisions, could have reacted better, that is expected, is the way a functional person works. but the thing with bpd is... you DON'T GET IT. for haru, rin was rejecting him and his brain went into survival mode. end of the story.

then, when the outburst passes and you "come to your senses," all that remains is regret and guilt, and a thousand questions of "why did I do that? I shouldn't have said anything, why did this happen? why do I always mess everything up?" and you go into a spiral.

and knowing haru it's obvious he's going to take all the blame on himself because it's what he's been doing since he was a kid and no one has EVER bothered to correct and comfort him. on the contrary, other people have only further buried the idea in his head (thank you, hiyori).

well, what happens next? depends on the person. self harm, suicide attempts, isolation... you become difficult to approach, you feel empty, you try to stay alone even if your condition worsens. and what does haru do? he exercises TOO much and worsens his physical condition to the point that he falls asleep in random places due to exhaustion. a form of self harm if you ask me.

sometimes I feel like I need a prince charming in armor but at least 80% of the time I have a lot of trouble getting out of a dark moment by myself. and at least in my case, after one episode I go back to a depressive spiral, and it's worse than the last. it's very painful and distressing, and you do NOT know what to do and in your head there is no damn solution, you're completely alone and it's all your fault. and that can end very, very badly.

and by "very badly", I mean things like self-harm and the desire to kill yourself, because these types of behaviors are very common in patients with bpd. please whenever someone with bpd tells you they feel that way, take it seriously.

something else I noticed and would like to say is that bpd can include somatization (when your emotions show up as literal physical pain) and haru just goes through that here, falling to his knees with intense pain in his chest.

and I mean- no, it wasn't necessarily obvious, haru.

for someone with bpd it's NOT obvious even the simplest things, especially if it has to do with the feelings of others towards us; it's the lack of emotional permanence, and that is why we desperately need the constant reassurance and search for approval.

but if you want me to say it "simple": haru is traumatized with rin leaving him, rin implied that he would, in a way, and haru and his ptsd responded defensively. because haru needs therapy, let me tell u.

finally: none of this invalidates the fact that rin felt bad about what haru said, although it's true they have never sat down to talk about what happened when they were kids, and rin's issues are a whooole other can of worms.

#haruka nanase #free! haruka #free! iwatobi swim club #the final stroke #spoilers #bordeline personality disorder #bpd #headcanon #but it's more of a projection honestly #sensitive topics #bpd episode #nanase haruka has bpd #thats my hashtag now idc idc

33 notes · View notes

alheria · 9 months

Text

Insecurity (one-shot)

There was nothing in this world König enjoyed more than waking up in his husband’s arms.

Even though they were crammed on a tiny base bed and definitely way too warm, being tightly pressed to that muscular chest felt like heaven. Sleeping alone always meant staying on a high-alert as his anxious brain kept thinking about being caught off-guard. While sleeping with Ghost however, he did not need to worry about anything - he was more than safe in his husband’s protective, loving embrace.

The only problem with that arrangement was Simon’s persistent unwillingness to part ways. He liked to keep his life-partner close until he himself had to get up, but sometimes their separate work assignments did not allow for that. Just like today, when the Austrian had been scheduled for an early morning recon mission.

-Let me go? -he suggested upon turning the alarm off, knowing there is no way he could sneak out without those strong arms unwrapping.

-I’d rather not. -Ghost murmured, possessively tightening the hold around the younger soldier.

-And I would rather stay, but I really have to go. Duty calls. -König sighed, pressing a delicate kiss to the lieutenant's throat before firmly pushing away. Despite not wanting to, the Brit obediently let go and quickly replaced the other soldier with a pillow to continue sleeping.

After getting out of bed, for a good minute the Austrian just stood in place, fondly glancing at the absolute love of his life he never believed he would find. Or rather that it would find him, since it was Simon who approached first.

Honestly, the fact that someone as cool as Ghost decided this anxious shadow of a person was worth a fraction of his attention was shocking. Them somehow going from being fuck-buddies to getting married was a fucking unexplainable miracle.

-I love you. -König whispered, gently brushing through the soft strands of his dozing off man. Seemingly dozing off, because he suddenly turned around, grabbed the extended arm and pulled the younger man into a long, breathtaking kiss. Then he looked deep into his husband’s hazed eyes and in a rough, morning voice said:

-Love you too, stay safe.

---

Despite being in the army for quite a few years now, having teammates was still hard to get used to, as his anxiety made interacting and socialising very challenging. It was especially problematic when unexpected changes occurred to his current squad, like a week back when serious injury required temporarily replacing one of the soldiers. The new guy, Fabian, who arrived five days ago, was also Austrian and of similar age, although a particularly extroverted one. He was also ridiculously good-looking with his dark, fluffy curls, immaculate moustache and small but pronounced muscles. And for some unknown reason, that clearly cool as fuck guy turned trying to befriend cold and withdrawn König into his personal mission, which meant they were hanging out quite often.

Somehow this intrusion wasn't very bothersome, Fabian happily took all the attention on himself, making it easier for the other Austrian to blend into the background. The only problem was how open this new “friend” was about certain things, especially his sexuality. He was proudly bi, and very flamboyant, flirting with everyone he found worthwhile. That in itself wasn’t an issue of course, but rather the fact he would definitely find Simon to be his type once their paths finally crossed. It was absolutely unavoidable and happened on the tenth day while they were in the common showers after a long mission.

-Fuck, he’s hot. -the shorter man whistled out of nowhere, bringing spacing out König back to reality. He turned to look at the person Fabian was referring to, and his heart immediately dropped to the ground. Undeniably, his new teammate was eating up the sight of half-naked Ghost examining a prominent bruise on his flexed bicep.

-Do you know if he’s single? -he asked, shamelessly staring at the oblivious Brit whose wedding ring was perfectly obscured by his dog tags.

-He’s taken. -the other Austrian answered quickly, although his clenching throat didn’t manage to add by whom. Hearing that, Fabian only smirked cryptically before adding:

-Honestly, I don’t really care. I’ll shoot my shot regardless, and see what happens. There is no way I am passing on this ridiculously hot body without a fight. And I bet he must be starved after all those months out here. Shouldn’t be hard to convince him to have some fun.

Listening to this rant, König wanted to vomit. There was no way he could compete with this incredibly handsome, ridiculously charming and very outgoing man if he chose to pursue Simon. It would be stupid to reject the advances of someone so much better. After all, he was nothing but a mess that was surely only causing inconv…

No.

Ghost loved him. They’ve been together for six years, if he was a burden he would’ve been discarded a long time ago. Which meant there was no way their relationship could fall apart because of some random guy showing interest.

But his broken brain straight on refused to accept that fact.

---

For the rest of the day König struggled to keep his composure. All he could think of was the love of his life throwing him away like a broken toy he’s done playing with. Because that’s how this situation would definitely end. Didn’t matter they were happily married, his mind was already fixated on the worst case scenario, even though chances of its occurrence were close to zero.

Ghost would leave him.

He would be completely alone again.

Alone.

Again.

This could absolutely not happen. But it was inevitable. His heart was about to be torn out and shredded into pieces. One hundred fucking percent.

Somehow he managed to keep calm and politely excuse himself from Fabian’s unbearable presence. He speedwalked through the base, entered his room, lifelessly sat down on the bed and hid his masked face in his shaking hands.

It was over.

No more stealing quick kisses when no one was looking. No more silent cuddling whenever either had a tough day. No more sleeping together in their tiny, uncomfortable bed. No more love.

Nothing even happened yet, but he could already see himself becoming a merciless, soulless mercenary rotting from the inside as he tried to get over losing the only one who mattered. So occupied with repeating the worst case scenario over and over again, he didn’t even notice his husband’s arrival.

-Is everything alright? -Ghost asked as he walked in, a rather puzzled look appeared on his face when he took the mask off.

-Yeah, just tired. -the younger man responded vaguely, too scared to reveal what’s bothering him. He wasn’t even brave enough to look his life-partner in the eyes.

-You’re lying to me. -the Brit pointed out bluntly, and König’s heart nearly shot out of his tight chest.

-I’m not! -he barked, feeling anger and shame rush through his veins. -And I don’t have the energy to argue that. I gotta go. -added, before rapidly getting up and storming out of the room past the shocked lieutenant. But the second he slammed the door, a loud, flashing warning appeared in his spinning brain.

You shouldn’t have done that.

Simon didn’t need to be with someone who was acting like a child. He deserved a mature, mentally stable lover. He deserved better.

Not sure where to go, the Austrian exited the building and headed for a quiet spot where he liked to hide anytime he had enough. After making sure there was no one around, he hit the wall. And again. And again. And many more times until the physical pain overpowered the mental one. Then he just sat there, on a cold concrete, staring at the dark sky and mourning his soon to be broken heart.

---

König didn’t even realise he was starting to doze off when a loud, angry voice brutally woke him up.

-What the fuck are you doing?! -Simon demanded furiously. -I’ve been looking for you everywhere! -informed before grabbing the very confused soldier’s arm and forcefully dragging him up. -The fuck is your problem? -he then sighed in resignation while pulling the younger man into a surprisingly soft embrace. At that point, the fully-awaken Austrian was already on the verge of tears. Then Ghost gently kissed the side of his pounding head and said:

-I was worried about you.

That was it.

The waterfall of tears soaked into his mask as he began to cry in his surprised husband's arms. The lieutenant didn’t say anything, nor asked any questions, for which König was tremendously grateful because he was sure no words could escape his clenched throat anyway. For what seemed like eternity he cried and cried until the overwhelming anxiety finally calmed down.

That’s when he began to talk.

He told Simon everything about Fabian and what he said in the showers, although didn’t mention anything other than quiet “I was jealous”. His deep fear of abandonment stayed untold. Ghost made no comments, only listened while holding the Austrian close. And once the reason for his hostile behaviour was fully in the open, they silently returned to their room.

The second the door locked, the calming atmosphere immediately changed, and König knew he was in big trouble. Aware there is no escaping the punishment for the outrageous behaviour, his body instantly froze in place, and heart began to race. He could feel the coldest shiver run down his spine when the eerily quiet lieutenant approached him from behind and just stopped there, unbearably close but not close enough for them to touch. Very unrushed, the older soldier removed his husband’s mask, then vest and gloves. A low sound of amusement escaped him upon noticing prominent bruising on the trembling palm. Soon his own, steady, gently grabbed those sore knuckles and began to tenderly rub the sensitive flesh before suddenly squeezing it hard, making the younger man gasp and squirm.

-I’m very fucking curious what made you think there is a reason to be jealous. -the Brit raised his brow while putting more pressure on the injured hand.

-I…I don’t know. -the younger man stuttered, feeling his throat clench tighter and tighter with every passing second. Tears started to cloud his vision yet again.

-I’m gonna need you to think a little bit harder. -Simon growled into the other soldier’s ear, instantly making him reach the breaking point.

-You’re too good for me! -König shouted before lifelessly falling on the floor, his throbbing palm still at Ghost’s mercy. -I’m fucking insecure about our relationship! -he added, furiously wiping off the tears running down his burning cheeks.

-Elaborate. -the lieutenant ordered sharply.

-You’re just so attractive, and attract other attractive people, and what if you realise I am not good enough and leave me?! -the Austrian sobbed, too angry at himself to be self-conscious about his feelings. -I don’t want you to leave me… -he whispered, and that’s when his husband finally let go of his hand and silently walked past him.

For a moment there, König thought this was over. The one who owned his heart would walk away, leaving him completely alone, broken into tiny, sharp pieces and forever scarred by an excruciating tear in his fading soul. But instead, Simon dropped to his knees and pulled the shaken up man into a tight hug.

-You’re the only person in the entire world I have any feelings for. -he said unbearably softly. -You’re the love of my life —, no one else exists for me. -continued, tenderly caressing the crying soldier’s head, trying to calm him down. -So I beg of you darling, never question my love for you ever again. Or I’ll fuck you to death to prove how wrong you are. -the Brit then barked as he rapidly pulled away to look into his partner’s hazy eyes.

Faster than light König snapped out of his miserable state.

-Can you still fuck me even if I have no doubts anymore? -he whispered, and Ghost’s gaze immediately darkened.

-I fucking adore you, you insatiable beast. -the lieutenant snorted in pure amusement before clashing their lips in a long, greedy kiss. The younger man quickly showed the worries aside. All he could think about were his husband’s big, strong hands sliding under his t-shirt and greedily exploring the warming up skin. His own fingers began to pull on Simon’s clothing, clearly demanding its prompt removal.

The older man smiled at that impatient act and obediently got rid of the top. The Austrian took this window of opportunity to unexpectedly push him backwards on the cold floor. Ghost cursed loudly at that unpleasant sensation but soon got distracted by the other soldier swiftly climbing onto his spread thighs and firmly pressing their growing erections together.

Feeling a little dizzy from the arousal, König stopped for a moment to fully take in that breathtaking sight of the love of his life looking at him with utter reverence, as if he was the only person in the wide world. Especially he enjoyed seeing how Simon’s usually tense muscles relaxed, meaning he gave up charge of this situation, allowing his husband to do whatever he pleased.

So he confidently rolled his hips, forcing out a delightful groan from the lieutenant, and earning himself a nearly painful grab of his muscular cheeks. Happy with the outcome, he did it again, to hear yet another, familiar sound of the Brit immensely enjoying himself.

And then did it so many more times Ghost began to writhe under the Austrian’s weight while swallowing deep moans of ecstasy, obviously overwhelmed by the heavenly sensation of his cock being rubbed inside his tight underwear. Himself, he was not anywhere near composed either, his throbbing penis begging…no…screaming for sweet relief.

-Come for me, please. -he whispered, his voice barely audible, although enough to be heard. A large hand grabbed the back of his head and forcibly pulled him down for a rather sloppy kiss whilst their hips sped up those pleasurable movements.

-Fuck, I love you. -Simon growled into his husband’s mouth as he began to come, and that was enough for König to cross the line. He was pretty sure anyone nearby heard the loud whine he involuntarily produced when the intense orgasm hit him violently hard. His shaking body collapsed onto the spending lieutenant as his own cock generously coated the strained pants in cum. -Love you so fucking much. -the Brit added once they’ve calmed down a little, his palm tenderly caressing the younger man’s trembling spine.

-I love you too. -the Austrian murmured, his entirety soaking in the affection of this loving embrace. But despite being on the verge of exhausted from all those heightened emotions, he was way too needy to end it right there. -Show me how much you love me. -he demanded, pushing himself up and looking deep into those darkened, starved eyes gazing at him like a predator would at its prey. -Show me. I need you to show me.

-Your wish is my command. -the older man smirked. He then swiftly flipped them around, pulled his pants down and said:

-Clean your mess.

König didn’t think he had even gotten this hard this fast. Uncomfortably propped on his elbow, he grabbed that sticky, softened penis and shamelessly licked the full length without breaking the intensifying eye contact he used to so religiously avoid. With satisfaction he watched that burning gaze soften and soon cloud with pleasure as his tongue danced on the salty tasting, sensitive flesh. It twirled on the quickly hardening tip and when the Austrian was about to slide that thick shaft into his warm throat, the Brit told him to stop.

-On all fours and wait. -he ordered, and König immediately followed. While he patiently waited, Ghost stood up and grabbed something from the drawer before continuing what they started.

Once the younger soldier’s disgustingly wet pants were gone, his cock began to twitch as Simon’s rough palms travelled through the naked skin, traced the tense back muscles, caressed the sturdy hips and kneaded the firm cheeks. The feeling of a big, heavy penis resting on his lower spine only added fuel to the raging desire.

But despite desperately wanting to, he didn’t beg for more, knowing that patience brings great rewards. And he was of course correct, because soon enough, covered in cold liquid hand slipped in between his thighs, spreading the lube on the muscular flesh for a very exciting reason.

-I still can’t believe you thought I might leave you for some random guy. How could I ever replace someone like you? You’re fucking perfect. -the Brit rambled, sliding his rock hard shaft between those slick thighs pressed tightly together for maximum pleasure.

-I’m sorry. -the Austrian whimpered when Ghost’s manhood grazed his own.

-No. I should be the one apologising. -Simon shook his head while slowly fucking those thick legs, driving his husband absolutely crazy. -I don’t show enough how much you mean to me. I’ll do better. I promise. -continued, his words clouding König’s hazy eyes with tears. How the fuck could he have any doubts about their relationship?! -I love you —, so much it fucking hurts. -concluded the lieutenant, slowly pressing one wet finger into his husband's exposed hole. This unexpected sensation combined with the emotional power of those heartbreaking words instantaneously brought the younger man to the edge. He dropped onto his elbows so he could cover his loudly moaning mouth whilst their needy cocks rubbed each-other, bringing them impossibly close to yet another orgasm.

Once the second finger joined to work him open, his mind stopped registering anything other than Ghost’s possessive touch and his low voice whispering sweet praises.

-I’m gonna fuck you now. -he said, leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss to the Austrian’s warm neck. König barely comprehended this important information when that fat, hard penis suddenly entered him all the way in, harshly pushing air out of his lungs. Not wasting any time, Simon started thrusting deep into the overstimulated soldier, his teeth scraping the clenched throat. It was too much for the kneeling man, who barely audibly informed:

-I…I can’t anymore…

-And I don’t care. You’re not coming unless I tell you to do so. -the Brit hummed into his husband's ear. -A punishment for being a brat earlier. -he added, and the Austrian could only sob quietly as his entire body demanded a prompt release. This situation was easily predictable, actually. He knew what happens when he acts up. He acted up anyway, thus now has to suffer the torture of having a euphoric orgasm inches away from his reach.

So close, yet so far away.

Fortunately, he was also able to tell when Ghost was at his limit. His grip would tighten to the point bruises were imminent, steady breathing would lose its rhythm, permission would be given.

-Come for me.

König immediately grabbed the neglected shaft that needed no more than a few strokes to reach the much desired release. His whole body contracted so hard, Simon cursed loudly in the background and thrust so hard, the younger soldier fully slid on the floor, crushed by the lieutenant's weight. But he didn’t even care, blinded by the intense orgasm he kept coming and coming whilst melting from the immense heat of their close embrace.

-It will always be only you. -the Brit murmured into his hair, and the Austrian knew he never has to worry again.

His heart was safe.

---

König didn’t think there was anything better than waking up in his husband’s arms after having a mind-blowing sex.

The definite reassurance of their relationship’s solidity only amplified this blissful feeling of being deeply adored and fiercely desired. With a bright smile on his face, the younger man happily wrapped himself tighter around the older soldier’s naked, slowly raising chest, and his heart nearly melted when the half-awake lieutenant reciprocated the gesture.

They stayed like that, in a tight, loving embrace for the rest of the lazy morning, until they absolutely had to return to their duties. Which also meant that the Austrian had to spend time alongside his troublesome “friend”.

It was not easy to be around Fabian, even though he wasn’t threatened by him, or anyone for that matter, anymore. Luckily, their work for the day required a significant amount of attention, thus all interactions focused solely on what’s necessary to complete their tasks.

Until lunch, that is, when his teammate firmly grabbed his arm and forcefully dragged him to the table where Ghost’s squad was seated. With his extroverted personality, he quickly merged into an ongoing conversation, and soon managed to change the subject to suit his needs.

-Soo…some of us had been thinking about going to Spain after this deployment ends. Would you be interested in joining, Simon? -he offered, smiling suggestively at the unbothered man.

-Can’t. Have plans already. -the lieutenant shook his head. -Where are we going again? -he then asked, turning towards the surprised Austrian.

-Montenegro. -König reminded, a bit confused by Ghost so casually bringing up their private life. It was very unusual.

-Yeah, going to Montenegro with my husband. -the Brit elaborated nonchalantly, making the new soldier nearly choke on his food.

-You…two…are married? -Fabian coughed up, completely shocked by this unexpected revelation.

-Mhm. Three years now. -Simon nodded. -Three, right love?

-Yes, a little over three years. -the Austrian confirmed, absolutely fucking glad he had his mask to hide the victorious smile that appeared when he saw the terrified look in his “rival’s” eyes, who definitely must have remembered talking about hitting on Ghost to his husband. Faster than the speed of light he excused himself, and quickly left the dining hall, leaving everyone but two soldiers fairly perplexed.

And oh, when their mischievous gazes met, König’s whole body began to itch impatiently.

He could not wait for them to be alone again.

#cod fanfic #konig cod #ghost cod #ghost x konig #m/m smut #ao3fic

3 notes · View notes

crowsnest-creations · 2 years

Text

Writeblr/Artblr(?) Intro

ay I'm new in town and I've heard yall are into these so here we go Personal:

Name: Corvus Corax, or Cori for short

Age: enough to drink

Queer; they/them nonbinary, asexual, biromantic

Relationship Status: Taken, Polyamorous

Autistic, with a side of Anxiety and Depression, and possibly ADHD

Fun Fact: I WILL look up cheesemaking and snake anatomy at three in the morning. I WILL NOT have a reason why. I just like knowing things. Science is near and dear to my heart.

Writing:

Genres: typically fantasy or sci-fi, may dabble in other things

Common/Liked Tropes: found family, enemies/rivals to lovers, begrudging protags

Inspiration: various other stories and media

Experience: on and off writing since like middle school

WILL NOT Write (and why): horror/thriller (I'm a wuss that can't really handle that stuff), sexually explicit content (the kinks I like are between me, my lovers, and the gods), tragedies (I prefer happy or at least neutral and satisfying endings)

Art:

I create digital art on occasion

I will be limiting my art on here to content relating to my own writing and other writeblrs I enjoy

I HAVE done fanart for some fandoms in my life but I WILL NOT put it here. This is mostly a writeblr. Yall want fanart for major fandoms, you can dig around this hellsite for my other blog and make requests there.

Writeblrs are welcome to request art for their writing characters but I cannot promise quick output or that I will even do it, because I am not being paid for it. If I like a story though I'm more likely to make art

Refusal or neglect to make art IS NOT implication that your writing is "bad", it probably either just didn't hook me OR the drawing juice ain't flowing

I won't draw large amounts of gore, or sexually explicit content. I do not enjoy creating that stuff. Nothing against it as an art form I just don't wanna.

Anything else yall are gonna have to ask about specifically. Will probably make intro posts about my WIPs when I fully solidify literally anything for any given one.

#writeblr #writeblr intro #corvus caws

27 notes · View notes

justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms · 1 year

Note

hello! :D I'd like to request a matchup for genshin, honkai star rail, and demon slayer. please and thank you! 🫶

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: Asexual + Greyromantic

Zodiac/MBTI: Libra/INFJ

Appearance: I'm 5'1. My hair is a darkish-brown with light brown streaks, and I have a long whispy layered pixie cut. I have a triangle + mesomorphic body type. I have olive-toned skin. My eyes are brown, and I have eyebags. I have a birthmark on my right arm that's in the shape of a key. I have a beauty mark on one of my ear lobes (I also have quite a few on my arms). I wear glasses. What I hear people say a lot when complimenting my appearance, is that I look cute and very pretty. I'm also told that I have an RBF but then others say I don't, so..🤷‍♀️.

Personality: I'm just going to list a bunch of traits, so I apologize 🥲. Nice, independent, caring, articulate, calm, clever, intelligent, compassionate, deep, empathetic, friendly, gentle, humble, genuine, forgiving, hard-working, humorous, disciplined, helpful, insightful, intuitive, kind-hearted, reliable, logical, loyal, mature, observant, methodical, patient, realistic, selfless, reflective, sweet, responsible, wise, emotionally strong, accepting, supportive, complex, quiet, awkward, reserved, straightforward, sarcastic, self-concious, shy, tired, blunt, brutally-honest, gullible, procrastinator, lonely. I also struggle with things mentally, such as; anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, trauma. I'm also a perfectionist, overall very hard on myself. I'm also someone who cares very deeply for my friends and close relatives, I would do anything for them.

Likes: Going for walks, hanging out with friends, deep conversations, blankets, the night sky, sunrises and sunsets, astronomy, psychology, literature, ancient history, nature, browsing, window shopping, sweets, pasta dishes, traveling, art, exploring, cats and dogs, music, fruit (😩), coffee and tea, laughing, joking around, stormy weather, learning more about the things that interest me, to clean willingly.

Dislikes: Waffles 🤢, alcohol (for personal reasons), centipedes, anything that makes someone not redeemable (or someone that's just a terrible person overall), hot weather, people not listening or understanding what I'm saying, being watched or stared at.

Hobbies: Painting, ceramics, playing video games, reading, listening to music and occasionally podcasts.

Extra: My enneagram is 5w4. I scare the daylight out of people because of how quiet I am 💀. My main love language is quality time.

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

You and Mona definitely have stargazing in common! She loves that you're interested in one of her main passions. It makes her feel more connected to you when she can share that interest.

Stargazing dates where she tells you everything she can about the stars. Whether you're interested in the legends behind the constellations, the scientific stuff behind the stars, or just learning the names of different stars, she's the person to go to.

Definitely gets where you're coming from with being an over-achiever. Mona's also a bit of a perfectionist so she knows the pressure that can put on you.

If she sees the indicators that you're starting to get overwhelmed by your commitments, Mona knows some good techniques for getting your mind off whatever's bothering you.

A really good listener and very attentive. If there's anything bothering you, she's there to lend an ear and help you work though it.

Enjoys listening to music with you. She's open to pretty much any type of music so whatever you play, she'll give a chance.

Thinks you're very clever with your ceramic skills. If you make something for her, she'll treasure it forever, putting it somewhere she'll see it every day.

In Honkai Star Rail, I match you with...

You and Gepard would get along really well! You both have similar personalities; honest and loyal, but also perfectionists.

Gepard cares deeply about people in general (he would be in the career he is otherwise) but when it's someone like you, that gets multiplied.

You could ask pretty much anything of him, and as long as it's within his power, he'll do what you ask. I see his love language as acts of service and quality time. He just wants to reassure you that his feelings are true.

Coffee buddies! This guy absolutely drinks a ton of coffee everyday to keep him going. Knows your order off by heart so whenever he's getting a coffee before meeting up with you, he'll get you one as well.

I see Gepard as someone who also dislikes alcohol mostly because of the amount of drunkards he has to deal with on a daily basis so he can certainly respect the fact that you don't like it.

Would love to have a stargazing date with you. He'll pack a picnic and find a good spot where you can see as much of the sky as possible.

Doesn't know much about the stars but he'd love to listen to you talk about it. He's a good listener so you never have to worry about losing his interest.

Will pick up books based on your interests. Whether they're on astronomy, psychology, ceramics, or food, he'll remember all of your interests and find books about them that he thinks you would enjoy reading.

In Demon Slayer, I match you with...

I think Zenitsu is you best fit because you would bring out the best in each other.

I think Zenitsu might feel a bit insecure at times about whether he's a good person. He knows how you feel about people who are irredeemable and he worries sometimes that he falls into that category because of his cowardice.

Please reassure him that you do care about him. If he hears it from you, he'll feel a bit better. The thoughts are still there but instead of making him insecure, they'll slowly push in towards improving his short fallings.

Pays really close attention to you when you're talking about your interests. He wants to be able to support you in everything you do, and the best way he thinks he can do that is by researching your interests so he can talk about them with you.

Loves watching you make ceramics and paint. He finds it relaxing, and he gets to watch you do something you enjoy. Zenitsu thinks you look the prettiest when you're concentrating on something you enjoy doing.

Another one who loves stargazing dates! Although he tends to spend most of the time staring at you instead. He doesn't mean for it to be creepy! He just thinks the moonlight accentuates your best features.

If there's anything you tell him to do to support you when you're having a bad mental health day, he's all over it! Need a hug? He's on it! Just want him to keep you company for a while? You got it! Want him to go out and get your favourite food? He's already out the door! Don't worry, he knows your order off by heart!

#writing #fanfic #matchup #matchup request #request #genshin impact #mona #honkai star rail #gepard landau #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #zenitsu

2 notes · View notes

theclosetisglassyouqueer · 2 years

Text

I need to get this out 🫶

(you're really just a third party listening)

(pretend you're my therapist)

So I've resonated with some aspec things but also not felt like I'm on the a spectrum.

WARNING

Trauma, mentions of sexual harassment, definitions, run-on sentences, opinions, and trauma dumping, (is it sharing my story or am I just trauma dumping on the people who might read this?)

...

(I know these are not definitive and having or not having these does not constitute asexuality, nor anything on the aspectrum, and that these vary and don't necessarily determine nor undermine the validity among the people on the aspectrum.

These experiences and events have it so as these make my feelings as to being asexual unlikely and that I'm not.

The same applies to the aromantic, or any other parts.)

Like I'm not asexual I want sex, I have a high libido, I get horny, I've masturbated more than I believe is common for my agab, and I've never had sex so I can't really say, right, and that unpleasant sexual harassment didn't change much in me, I just want VERY consensual sex.

But I don't think I feel sexual attraction like everyone else, like people have described theirs, i don't just see someone and think I wanna fuck them. I see someone in public and I wanna be someone special in their life not just date them, like I feel like it seems like I'm saying when I mention it

I'm not aromantic, for example, I'm SOO desperately lost as a hopless romantic, I WANT LOVE I want to share secrets to understand someone and be understood, almost every social media account I have has a saved folder with a heart or the word love (with the plans of showing anyone who's fallen in love with me, when I needed to give myself a reason yk.)

But I've never felt something I'd label romantic attraction, I chose my first crush (hehe he still wears Remus sweaters like everywhere, aesthetic) maybe it's only recent that I've realized I could feel something for people now(religious trauma) (can't date till you're 40 jokes) that I could get in a relationship with someone. And maybe it's the overuse of the word love in everyday language, but I don't really feel anything when someone says "I love you" to me, I say it back, but there's no deep feeling put into it. We've said it in tears knowing we won't see each other physically for years and I know I'll miss them, and I cry and there's a feeling there but I don't feel for it long, but there's no existential pain in knowing. Maybe I've just stuffed all feelings down for so long and maybe I don't know how to not do it and maybe I'm numb about it because I've already stuffed any feelings down subconsciously.

But maybe someone special will show up in my life maybe they'll be a certain gender that assures me in my sexual attraction maybe they'll make me feel something so I know love exists and romance is possible, and we can do everything together, sex and cuddles in the sun and sharing and enjoying each others interests together and seperate but close, but that means there has to be another person.

But oh platonic love!!!!🥰🥰❤ it's not romantic and it's oh being ever so close to someone but without the expectations of a romantic relationship. It's truly pure love it's a 🥰 but not 😍 and without the expectations of 😘

But I've never been very good at having friends, close friends or even just acquaintances, they've always petered out after some time and practically non existent after a week or two if it's online not almost daily, like living together is what it would take, almost. (Hey bestie who's my sister who doesn't have Tumblr and will probably never see this lol) and even relationships with grandparents and extended family members who don't live close, and we don't spend constant or regular-ish time conversing or spending with each other, are nearly nonexistent if we're not together and spending time juntos.

So maybe it's my trauma or mental illness (pretty sure I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, and the like but I've never been diagnosed so...🤷‍♂️) and I truly don't know how to have and keep up a relationship, or maybe it's because every relationship I've ever had, sexual or romantic or platonic, has not been balanced ⚖️ probably very one-sided without either of us consciously knowing.

ANYWAY

I found the term "alterous attraction" about 2-3 hours ago:

"Alterous attraction is a type of attraction that is not entirely/neither romantic or platonic. It’s seeing someone and immediately going “I must become very close to them” but like. Not in a romantic way. By nature, it’s meant to be nebulous so for some people it might feel closer to romantic attraction while for others it might be closer to platonic."

I feel closer with this description and phrasing than to those of love and attraction (and trust me, I've read many of those. We're you aware that the ancient Greeks had seven to nine words for love each with different descriptions and definitions?) It's the same comfort as I felt with the label pangender, nebulous, I don't have to decide which gender I am, male, female, non binary, it's nebulous and I can be all or some without distinction. Without distinction, is what I feel sexual, am I fetishizing? Is what I feel romantic, is this what love feels like? Is it platonic, intimate and affectionate but not sexual?

"Alterous attraction is the desire to be emotionally close to someone. it’s not romantic attraction but it’s also not quite platonic, so it’s a “weird” gray area that some identify as being between the two or just completely different. alterous attraction can also be used to describe attraction that is confusing, can’t be determined by the person experiencing it, or can’t be labeled/described by typical or amatonormative terms. hope this helps!"

"A weird gray area... as being between the two or just completely different." Describes my identity, my past, my life, and my literal existence. Lol (but a semi-serious lol)

There's truly no need to specify. Nebulous and no need for distinction it can be romantic and platonic, either or neither, or somewhere in between.

"Alterous attraction is liking the idea of romance, hearing what a qpr is, and having a crisis because you thought that’s what romance was."

Honestly I just WANNA be close with someone and I don't know if that's trauma or I'm just very touch deprived. Which I am/have both to an EXTREME extent

Feeling alterous attraction doesn't have to make me identify on the aspectrum.

I am valid in identifying that I feel alterous attraction while also not identifying as being on the aspectrum.

Tldr: I trauma dump and realize the attraction I feel can be accurately labeled as as alterous attraction 🫶

#alterous attraction #a spectrum #ace spec #ace spectrum #aromantic #aromatic #i crave validation #trauma #trauma dump #gaylife #lgbtqi community #update #pangender #distinction

3 notes · View notes

kittytiddycommittee · 1 month

Note

(Hair and performance anxiety guy, here again)

I think I asked you what your thoughts were because you’re a random milf on the internet, sometimes we need feedback from someone who’s completely not invested in our emotions either positively or negatively. There’s no reason you’d tell me anything but what you happened to think.

ideally, I’d fix this, the “eat and beat it” approach isn’t ideal for me either. Definitely appreciate the advice re: transparency, it’s hard to be open about this type of thing, but it is better than having her think I’m just not excited to be there.

I’m more of a switch, maybe even softly dom-leaning these days, but it’s been really tough. From the sort of “traditional” direction, it’s hard to feel masculine and competent and useful when my dick won’t do what I want, and from the service/submissive side of things, I feel like I’m letting the woman down by not providing something she’d enjoy.

As for hair, I deeply appreciate your candor. Advice online is heavily split between “it’ll make you unlovable and old looking” and “nobody will even think about it, just shave your head and live free”, both of which seem inaccurate haha. “Its not ideal, but not a dealbreaker for many women” seems comparatively much more accurate for a good chunk of the population in my dating range. It’s tough, losing my hair feels like losing my youth, whatever small ability I ever had to turn heads, and a lot of my sexual self-esteem was tied to my desirability. Embarrassingly vain, yes, but I really like feeling like people like the way I look. It makes me happy to see beautiful people, so I want to also be beautiful, idk how exactly to explain it

Tbh, I’m not even sure if those meds are what’s doing it. All I know is that I was doing a lot better last summer, when I wasn’t on them. There have been other changes since then, though. They also haven’t necessarily worked that well, so idk.

thanks for the kind words, honest advice, etc. I’ll go talk to my doctor again, and definitely do some introspection about how I relate to sexual scripts, what aspects of common ones do or don’t work for me, etc. this is one topic where I’ll be making my own choice, don’t worry about me just copying advice from the internet Willy-nilly

have a good one :)

Glad I could offer a little perspective!

I truly would not call your feelings vanity. What you're going through is really tough. Hair and dick are major targets for one's self esteem, especially men's, so having issues with both at once feels like a serious blow. Nothing wrong with wanting to be beautiful. I think men have a harder time reconciling that feeling, too.

Good luck! May you get to the other side of this soon 💜

#asks

1 note · View note

wasntmeanttobe64 · 9 months

Text

Maybe I'm a bit of that gay meanie character in pop culture..

I stopped taking anti deps cuz they made me into a zombie, and kinda depressed if I’m alone. Now I have anxiety talking to algerians, maybe bc of the language or whatever, I’m just rly shy ig, sometimes mean. I have anxiety when I’m hanging out with a group of people, and i don’t rly talk anymore, like in the office or something, unless I’m one on one with someone. I think i’ve been like this in middle school too, so I’m used to it. During quarantine, no one really called me or checked up on me that much, probably because I’m too much, and the people I did have I stopped being friends with bc i thought they didn’t care about me that much. I just didn’t know how to fill my own time or be by myself. After quarantine, I moved back to lebanon, and I’ve been pretty much lonely, so I learned how to fill that time, but my social anxiety was bad, i m,anaged and had people to hang out with eventually, but I’ve always felt I don’t know what to say most times, like idk how to respect group talking without interrupting or being awkward, so i just sit and listen, and my medications helped me be comfortable just sitting and contributing when i can instead of always thinking about how awkward I am. The meds don’t work like that for me anymore, not like in leb, but I still manage. I guess I just have some learning to do, and I’m learning… Never rly felt comfortable with people, I like to listen, and not say anything, and that can be boring or mean. When I am myself and I react as Id like, my anxiety is huge, because I say things that make me look dumb, I interrupt, Im awkward cuz i always feel like I’m hurting someone by not acknowledging them in the group. I hoard conversations if I had the power. I’m not comfortable sharing anecdotes or jokes anymore with a group, I’m more comfortable with one on one but i still prefer to just listen bc I’m .. scared? Ig? Bc the moment I start to be myself, I’m impulsive, random, i don’t make sense, I deflect and never rly open up. But the reason I’m awkward is bc I’m very judgmental to people and what they tell me or tell each other, and I genuinely just think “this guy is a loser, I don’t want to talk to him, i want to talk to that other guy” or “oh my god that’s so cringy everyone must hate this person so I hate him too” and it’s so obvious i can’t hide it so i get awkward. I genuinely think I’m mean spirited, judgmental, devalue people all the time, selfish, etc. I can’t control my impulses, which include sexual impulses. My go to in every group dynamic is to judge people out loud and make them feel lesser, cuz everyone reminds me of a part of me i don't like. And I don’t like myself.

I’m genuinely a mean person, like I don’t have common decency, I don’t see people as humans, I don’t say thank you to waitresses, i ignore them and make them feel like shit for interrupting my friend. It’s like, I want to make whatever person I’m with like me most. I get jealous very easily. If we’re in a group, and I just talked with you, and then you go talk to someone else in the group, I get jealous and I make it obvious. It’s rly bad.

—

im just a bad person with people lol that’s why I get anxiety and be awkward, it’s from hiding my judgmentalness and jealousy with people

0 notes

sweetmoonstorm · 1 year

Note

Hello I would love to request a match up from LMK from you!

Name: Katherine (Kat)

Love Language: Physical Touch/Quality Time

Personality: She’s extroverted and the mom friend. Generally very bright and cheerful, though her energy level will match those she hangs out with relaxing more not to overwhelm people. Has a bad habit of bottling up all her negative emotions, and even when breaking down will often try to deal with it alone rather than burden others, as she views it. She is always willing to help others in any way she can, whether doing things for them or giving advice (will drop anything she’s doing to do so). Can be rather sarcastic if annoyed or if retorting to someone else’s snark. Very stubborn and independent when it comes to doing tasks, also very obligation oriented while also being a procrastinator. Things out of her control triggers her anxiety the most.

Sexuality: Heterosexual female

Aesthetic: Bright colors and floral patterns and cute things

Appearance: Long straight brown hair often bound in a low ponytail, pale blue eyes behind glasses, very busty with slighter hips, pale skin with freckles over face arms and shoulders, usually dressed in either pajamas or shorts and t-shirt/tanktop

Fandom of Choice: Lego Monkie Kid

Anything sought out in general: Those who can keep more of a level head in stressful situations

Likes: Animals, Sweets, Stuffed animals, Singing, Baking, Hanging out with friends, Hugs, Sharing tasty food with others

Hates: Anyone who messes with those close to her, Being unable to help those close to her, Burdening Others, Shoes, Pants, Things being out of her control

Ok, so-

(from by @magicmaiden36 ty ty)

After reading this, the first person that came to mind was Sandy.

I know that Sandy isn't really seen much in matchmaking(at least from my experience), but Kat and Sandy to me seem like the absolute perfect match.

I've got the reasoning too if you just click kept reading-

Sandy, the descendant of Sha Wujing is a big blue guy who has roughly thirty therapy cats, a violent past, and a like for tea and talking things out. He also looks like he could give great hugs.

Kat, your oc, is a girl who is fond of stuffed and real animals, keeping things under her control, and hugs. She also has the habit of bottling up emotions.

To a person like me, those two would be a sweeter than honey couple considering they get together.

Here's the generic backstory for these two.

For some reasons, I am able to see Kat being a good friend of Mei.

Building up from there, Mei gets into some chaos and is wrapped up into MK's crew, Kat later on becoming part of or supporter of the group, and being introduced to Sandy, the descendant of Sha Wujing.

Me being a sucker for slow burns (but at the same time an impatient person), I think these two would have more of a relationship where it'd be like "Oh hey! We actually have quite a lot of common, don't cha think? :3"

From there on, the relationship would build up until it's like. "Oh. *Oh.*"

Cue the many, many, *many* flower crown making and (free) therapy sessions with Sandy.

They'd be the couple that people get either sick of bc of the sweetness or jealous bc of the romanticness.(Is that even a word-)

And hey, benefits!

Free therapy for this oc!

At a point where Kat gets stressed out bc there's something outta her control, Sandy could just pop up behind his love and offer some tea and a therapy session! (Which is really just Kat getting to interact with all... 30? 35? of Sandy's cats, plus Mo, his look-a-like. With an additional feature of Sandy piping in and trying to talk through Kat's problems and figure them out with her. Woohoo.

I'll stick with a strong belief that he is a very good, if not the best, cuddle giver, so let that Physical Touch Love Language do it's thing n sit back and relax for those (horribly time consuming, waste of time, yet so relaxing and comfy) cuddles!

Mo would also be very cuddly + affectionate towards Kat considering she'd be his caretaker's honey, so a bonus!

(I refuse to abandon the belief Sandy would call Kat so many tea related nicknames, and just plenty of overly sweet nicknames in general)

Anddd That's about it for this match!

I hope this was alright, and have a nice day! >:DD

Storm

#matchmaking #legomonkiekid #legomonkiekidmo #legomonkiekidsandy #legomonkiekidxoc #notmyoc

1 note · View note

fishwishkiss · 1 year

Text

~I've forgiven my abuser~

Three years ago, I wrote a song titled "fingertips". It took me 6 months to complete because I was desperately trying to turn my abuse into a poem. Then, somenight, I puked it all, in just an hour. The first two verses had that kind of poetic feeling, what follows did not. I realized that I needed to write how I felt, with no filters, with no pretty words.

Somehow, I believe I was able to inject some poetry in this very graphic and raw text, and still consider the track in itself my best work. What I had in mind was pretty simple, a piano improvisation and a voice-over. I was originally planning to read the text by myself, but realized I couldn't. It was all still too fresh. Thankfully, my friend Lena agreed to lend me her voice, and I'm glad she did, as I believe she's interpreted it better than I could ever have.

The text wasn't much about the abuse in itself, rather the aftermath. The constant anxiety, the parasitizing trauma in my relationships that followed. I reckon the text is, in addition to being very raw, a bit too personal, maybe. But I don't think I could've done it any other way. Still today, I couldn't, but not for the same reasons.

Though I will never excuse what she did led to, as the nightmares I had seemed all too real, as the intrusive thoughts were too intense and hurtful, as the constant fear of reproducing what I underwent was too tiresome. But I'm sure now she had no intent to hurt me this much. Maybe not in love, we sure had feelings for each other, and I believe she wouldn't have done that on purpose. I believe she was as lost as I was, as we were both 17 at the time and she'd already been a victim herself, more often than one could think. I believe she had the same nightmares, the same parasitizing trauma, that somehow her biggest fear was to make someone else a victim, all that prior to us even meeting. I guess that fear is common to any victim of abuse, sexual or not. Trauma is a cycle, they say.

I've never actually told her how I felt about it, and cut ties with no further explanation. I often wonder how things would've turned out, should I have confronted her. Maybe I would've understood that she meant no harm right away, and would've spared us both a long time of doubt and wonder. For me, doubting whether what I lived was really abuse, if I wasn't disrespecting "actual victims", and such. For her, wondering where she could've possibly messed up for me to progressively ghost her in the span of a month.

Should I apologize for this? Probably not, as what I did is nothing compared to what she did. But still, I can't help but feel sorry. If I can't apologize for it, I can at least forgive her.

So today, *****, I forgive you. ㅡ

0 notes

deepdarkbrain · 1 year

Text

I've said just about everything to my therapist.

TW: all of them

Hi, my name is Ryn (they/them) and I've said just about everything to my therapist. Before I get into too much here, be forewarned, I don't want to pull any punches on this blog. I want to be able to share (just about) everything that I would share with my therapist. This blog is going to include posts about dark and difficult subjects ranging from basic mental health to suicide, self harm, substance abuse, etc. I'm 100% going to swear and say what could be considered terrible things. What I will promise though, is that I will always include trigger warnings at the beginnings of my posts and there is a permanent content warning at the top of my blog.

I want to be open and honest about these kinds of dark, intimate subjects not to romanticize them or to encourage others to follow me down what will sometimes be the wrong path. But to share my experiences in the hopes that it'll help someone else feel like, "Oh yeah, I'm not alone on this dumb planet." Having grown through pre-internet times to now, one incredibly helpful thing I've found the younger generations using is the internet to break mental health taboos. Being honest and talking about it, even with a little levity sometimes (I'm looking at you memes), can help.

I've been seeing the same therapist for many, many years now. We've worked through so many things; childhood traumas, hospitalizations, relationships, work struggles, and everything in between. We've had discussions about how shit the American health care system is and also shared wins.

They've had a couple kids. I've started to accept I'm not broken, I'm just really fucking neurodivergent. Not exactly equivalent to some, but to me, hell yeah. I'm killing it.

Here's a little background on me. I am in my early 30s and I've been dealing with mental illness (major depressive disorder mostly, plus anxiety, ADHD, and autism) for the entirety of my life. You'll notice I specifically say "dealing with" and not "suffering from," which is the more common phrasing. This is something I work really hard to do. For me personally, speaking about my MIs in a semi-light way and using specific language really helps me accept and advocate for myself. A psychologist I had in a group therapy session once told us,

Honestly that one statement changed everything for me. One of my biggest pet peeves around how people treat those of us with MIs is the age old trope, "Just think positively!" It drives me batshit insane. For one it implies that I enjoy feeling like garbage at random and destroying relationships with people I care about for no reason. And for another it implies that who I am and how I live my life is inherently wrong.

Something I'm going to tell you, probably over and over again as I write this blog, is that if you deal with any kind of MI, YOU ARE NOT WRONG. I even have to remind myself of this, pretty regularly to be honest. There is something that's going on in your life, in your brain, in your physiology that is causing this to happen and it sucks and we all wish it would just go away, but at the very baseline, it's not wrong. You're not broken. You're just different, and different is okay.

More about me, I am wildly queer and I will fight you about it. Not really, because confrontation is extremely triggering for me, but I do feel really strongly about my LGBTQ+ community. I truly believe they are one of the most welcoming, accepting communities on the planet. Personally I identify as pansexual/asexual/aromantic (pan/ace/aro) because sexuality is a spectrum and I love everyone and no one at the same time, and I am non-binary because gender norms are dead. Use whatever pronouns you want for me, this is an internet blog, who's to say I'm even a real human?

Something I've gotten into recently with my therapist is called "Internal Family Systems Therapy." So I'll probably bring it up a lot. As I am a mere mortal and not an authority on literally anything, please follow the link to read more educated material about this subject. Otherwise, here's my very, very broken down, idiot, tl;dr.

IFST is a type of therapy that centers around the idea that within every person's mind, there are separate parts with separate purposes, usually to protect the base part. Recently in therapy I equated it to, "a close cousin of Dissociative Identity Disorder," in that you think of these separate parts as different versions or personalities of yourself. For example, in my situation I feel that within my mind there are at least five separate "me's" that are all Ryn but also each their own Ryn.

Of course, firstly there is me. The very essence of who I am. Funny, smart, loving, and able to think clearly and rationally. This is the part of me that has been me from birth and will only ever change for the better. It is the base, the original. This is the part of me that wants to stand up for itself but most often gets overtaken by the other parts. Base me gets frustrated when people use MI terms flippantly (ie. "Oh I'm so OCD!" "I'm goth so I'm also depressed." "You're like totally schizophrenic!"). Drives me bananas. Just don't do it.

Next there is depression. This is the part of me that experiences deep sadness, mental anguish, self hatred, and many other nasty, no good things. Usually the depression part of me is equivalent to someone I like to call Floor Ryn. People who know me well, know if I tell them I have become Floor Ryn, it means I've gotten so low that the only thing I'm able to do is lay down on my kitchen floor and exist. It is not comfortable, it does not make me feel better, but I simply cannot do anything else. I'm nigh on catatonic. Though at other times depression is sobbing for hours and being unable to listen to music with lyrics for fear that I will start sobbing.

Because depression is what I deal with the most and what comes up for me the most, there's a lot to it. Depression isn't just emptiness, it can also be cruel. To myself and to others. It's the part that has been hospitalized for attempting suicide. It's the part that created the hundreds of scars that live on my body. It's the part that has told friends I hate them when really I don't. It doesn't care about the exciting plans the me part of me made for next week, it just wants to cry and rage and feel miserable.

Next there is anxiety, and this is the second of my more prominent parts. This part overthinks, panics, has meltdowns/temper tantrums, and tries to fix everything. It's neurotic and selfish. It's the part that picks at my nail beds. It's also both blind and hyperaware of everything around me. It's that toddler at the mall beating their tiny, fat fists on the floor while you're thinking their parent should be doing a better job parenting. This part is also surprisingly rational; it can be bargained with. It can be given evidence and shown that everything is okay. I find anxiety to be easy to manage on a daily basis. But I do have meds for emergencies.

Next is ADHD, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. This one is somewhat new to me. I've probably always had it, but haven't been diagnosed until adulthood. This part always has at least five projects going at once (I'm an artist and just a creator in general). ADHD can't pay attention in lectures, can't stay still, is terrible at exams, needs to multitask, and constantly wants to go off on tangents. It's hyper, impulsive, and generally content, if not good-spirited. It makes me question occasionally if I inherited my dad's bi-polar disorder. I haven't; I've been told many times by many practitioners. But the thought's still there (hello, anxiety).

Finally autism, and again this one is new to me. This is the part that feels like an alien because I can't understand why you feel the way you're feeling or fathom what you're thinking. It's the part I think that is the most ace/aro. It's the part that doesn't care about dating or sex and doesn't understand how you can't live without your partner for two days. Also it's the part that can't look you in the eye when we're talking and says shitty things sometimes because it forgets that yeah, it is actually human and has to follow human social rules.

All of these personalities of me coexist at once but can also present themselves more individually. They're each trying to do something for me. Depression is, to use another therapist's words (Kati Morton), "pulling the ripcord" to yank me away from a situation it deems triggering. Anxiety is working to repair and investigate to find a solution to the problem at hand. As for ADHD and autism, I think mostly they're just along for the ride. ADHD is kind of a bro, a Gryffindor (big Harry Potter nerd here). But they have their uses, I suppose.

Am I perfect? No, absolutely not. Do I want to be perfect? Not really, no, sounds hard and depression isn't up for the challenge. In thinking about perfection, I like to think of the Japanese aesthetic of wabi-sabi, which essentially means to embrace the beauty of imperfection. As an artist, I've heard of it mostly in the context of kintsugi ceramics where pieces of pottery that have broken -- whether on purpose or accidental -- are repaired using something that will emphasize that it was once broken. I've often seen it where the shards are attached back together with gold so that the cracks are almost more beautiful than the original piece.

So, to try to find a conclusion to this post, I am mentally ill. I have been for a long time and I will be for a long time more. I am not broken. I am not wrong. I am not perfect. And all of these things are okay. I want to improve myself, sure, but I think everyone should strive to do that, MI or not. All I want to do with this blog is share my experiences and the sometimes comical ways I twist my deep, dark brain to ease the pain a little in the hopes that someone else might feel comfortable sharing those things, too.

Because you know I totally want to hear the ridiculous and stupid shit you've said to your therapist before, no matter how cynical and morose. Seriously, so I can share it with mine next week.

#mental health #mental illness #trauma #depression #anxiety #therapy

1 note · View note

faithfulcat111 · 1 year

Text

I have a certain love of the five main (alive is more accurate tbh) teens of Stranger Things. They are all so weird and fun, so I'm gonna actually list some of my own hc and ideas for them in no particular order as my systems are down again. (Under read more)

-We all know my belief that Jonathan is queer in both gender and sexuality. Nothing specific, he doesn't even know what it exactly is. He just is queer. That boy is not straight and not cis in any way. I do believe he is also somewhere ace spectrum and neutral on having sex.

-Nancy is very hetcomp vibes. I used to think different, but I think she is aro-spectrum (something that doesn't stop her and Jonathan's relationship because he knows he already is unconventional as well and they are best friends before anything else) and pansexual. Very hypersexual as well.

-But I think their relationship would work best as an open one. Jonathan also with Argyle and Nancy also with Robin.

-Argyle is pan and Robin is canon lesbian but I think she is ace spectrum as well (is this me projecting on my faves. No, stop looking at me like that).

-Steve is in a qpr with Robin, also is romantically with Jonathan and maybe Argyle? I've ran into some real good Stargyle fics lately so I'm compelled.

-Steve and Nancy are divorced couple who still get along in a sparky-type of way. Or step-parent and bio parent type of way.

-Steve is not the mom friend, he is the dad friend of the younger kids. Insulting, complaining, "wipe your feet!" Walks outside without a jacket and goes, "Ooh, brisk." Yeah, dad friend vibes. Jonathan is the mom friend. Nancy is the..... Nancy is in charge. She doesn't give off any other specific vibe than that.

-Robin is more a grandfather friend to the younger kids than anything else. I almost wanted to say wine aunt, but then I thought about it more and realized she is the grandfather friend. Argyle is the stoner uncle.

-Both Steve and Robin are also pretty funky with gender, like Jonathan, but more in a trading with each other kind of way. Like the fics I've seen of Steve and Robin just trading middle names. Yes, that happened.

-Once Robin and Jonathan actually start interacting and they get past the initial weirdness of having friends in common but knowing like nothing about each other other than the other sets off their gaydar by a million percent, they get along weirdly well. Both are prone to anxiety but the other one's help methods actually work for each other.

-Robin is also a very clingy person which is helpful because Jonathan needs more touch than he is willing to admit or even realizes to stay grounded. She follows Argyle's example in this and then Steve follows her. Which is helpful because Nancy isn't a touchy person, she just does it for Jonathan's sake.

-Speaking of, Jonathan, Robin, Steve, and Argyle all together is a whole 'nother level of unhinged. There is a reason I use the #feral fiends tag for them. It isn't long after they start hanging out that everyone else starts panicking when they hear these four are off doing something because either something really good is going to happen or something extremely destructive. All bets are off if they are going to successfully resolve the contaminated water crisis in Hawkins or accidentally blow up the abandoned lab.

-The only one who remains unperturbed by their antics is Nancy. Probably because she is the only one who can actually control them.

-Robin cannot follow Argyle's ramblings at all. Her ADHD just causes her to completely lose the plot. Weirdly, she always tunes back in right at the end and somehow can make the leap from what set him off to the end on her own. Steve can follow the ramblings perfectly. It drives everyone else nuts.

-Robin is Adhd (hyperactive focus)/autistic, Jonathan is autistic and has GAD/SAD (general and social anxiety disorder), Steve is dyslexic and adhd (both), Nancy and Argyle both have adhd (inattentive focus). None of them are diagnosed.

-Not counting siblings (for Jonathan and Nancy specifically), each has a different favourite kid among the younger ones. Argyle's is El (just the vibes), Robin's is Erica, Steve's is Dustin (basic, I know but he is), Nancy's is Max (she still favors Dustin too), and Jonathan's is Mike (I know, season four, but I still think he has a soft spot for Mike more than the rest)(also sorry Will and Lucas, this just is the vibes. They do love all the kids and it was close in some cases). In reverse, Robin is nearly all the kids' favorite (I'm telling ya, the grandfather friend vibes). Only exceptions are El and Mike. El's favourite is Argyle back (the vibes again) and Mike's is weirdly Steve. Dunno why, but the vibes. He doesn't act it at all though cause he is a depressed teen but he actually loves all the older teens. Except Argyle. Argyle still weirds Mike out. He hasn't moved past the airport incident.

I have more, but I'll post them later cause I'm running out of steam.

#st scooby gang #feral fiends #faith talks

1 note · View note