#and i cant relapse right now i really really cant

[conanssummerchild]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

[fandomestloser]

.

[hearties-circus]

↖️ *guy that is having such a normal one right now* *guy that totally isn't fucking losing it* *guy that surely isn't about to explode into a million pieces with no idea how to put itself back together this time*

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

[slutdge]

my favorite part about life is that it is completely pointless and then you die, but like ive chosen to view that as a positive

[ink-and-radio]

Gods, I'm so fucking exhausted of being alive whilst not being alive.

[mothmanns]

ranting in tags

[lilakennedy]

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

.

[seaadc]

hello!!! if you’re up for this, can i request any genshin men with a reader who feels like a horrible person because of things they’ve done in the past? i have a guilt complex lmaoooooo (i say lmao but it’s agony) (PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH A GUILT COMPLEX PUT YOUR HANDS UPPPP)

also this is a complete side note but i think this concept would be especially interesting with wrio since he’s always in the fortress or meropide, seeing people who have done wrong everyday in the fairly normal system (by jail standards) they have down there

guilt | wriothesley x reader

OH GOD THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY ASKS FOR A WHILE NOW IM SO SORRY MY NOTIFS ARE ALWAYS FILLED UP AND I DONT SEE ASKS ANYMOREEE T-T

angst w fluff at the end, soft!wrio, he’s comforting youu, gets a bit suggestive at the end, no pronouns used but reader is referred to as ‘my love’ and ‘princess’

it’s nothing to be concerned about really, if you were a criminal and probably rotting in the fortress of meropide for— archons knows how long, you would’ve just let your conscience be the death of you.

but you aren’t! your not sitting around and laying in the fortress of doom meropide, thank the archons.

though you can’t help but think if the seven are laughing at you, quite literally. your state isn’t so stable as it seems..

wriothesley, your partner, had called sigewinne ages ago to check on your health status. although it was all negative, the tests, the results, the examinations, all negative.

there wasn’t anything wrong with you, so why is there an aching pain in your stomach whenever your brain just relapses back to the past, the time where you had done such unforgiving sins, you couldn’t even do a whole statement word for word on what you had done to those poor victims.

one of them, someone special to you. someone special that you had lost because of your own carelessness, someone you had lost because you were being selfish, someone who you wished to cherish for a lifetime— though fate is mocking you unfortunately.

and the pain, the inkling pain deep inside that you cant ignore, it’s annoying. it’s frustrating. it’s … sad.

it’s a pity to see someone like you, a nice person who only wished to improve themselves and hope for a better future. yet it seems celestia didn’t approve.

your longtime partner, wriothesley, had been worried for you. ever since you met, you were always dozing off, not focusing, you looked uncomfortable yet he couldn’t pinpoint what was actually wrong.

it was starting to piss him off, really. the way you doze off when he talks to you, when you two spend time together and your too busy in your own little world to pay attention to him.

wriothesley had decided to sit you down, like what any partner would do when they encounter a misunderstanding or a mishap. communication is key after all.

he couldn’t ever forget the look on your face, the day where you looked at him with such pitiful eyes and regretful ones while he just stared back at you with a stern look.

he feels pity, wriothesley feels pity. someone like him shouldn’t, so what is this he feels?

“tell me what’s been bugging you for months, [name].” wriothesley takes a deep breath, then exhales as you sat there, fidgeting with your fingers. “i didnt get the chance to ask you back then, since it was your privacy after all, hm?” he spoke firmly, his voice laced with curiosity and the tone where he just wants to know the truth.

just tell him, it wouldn’t be so hard. he’s your partner after all, you have every right to tell him so. “[name], i’m doing this to help you. you’re someone extremely precious to me and i can’t help myself just seeing you look so lost.” wriothesley explains, sighing deeply as he waits for your response.

how would he react? he’s the all mighty scary wriothesley after all. he’s known to have less mercy and sympathy on others. why tell? you’ll just embarrass yourself, you thought to yourself.

but you couldn’t. you couldn’t keep a secret, especially towards him. if he was any other people, a stranger, you would’ve kept it till the end of your life. but he’s not just a stranger.

he’s your partner, your loved one, your everything. wriothesley is someone you can trust, someone you care for. is it really worth keeping a secret from him?

you took a deep breath, letting the air get past your nostrils. “i have.. committed alot of unforgettable things in the past, someone like you wouldn’t like. someone like you wouldn’t appreciate.” you confessed, looking down and avoiding your beloved’s longing stare.

wriothesley looks at you, tilting his head in confusion. you? doing things that he couldn’t possibly imagine? “ever since i’ve started to open up a new path to walk on, the guilt in my chest still pains me. it’s almost eating me whole.” you continue.

he smiles at you, not a happy smile, a faint sad smile. he’s quite joyful about how you were guilty, and not like any other person who wouldnt even feel the slightest bit of empathy to what they’ve done wrong in the past.

this is the [name] he fell inlove with. the honest, confident, firm, one. there was no denying that wriothesley was hopelessly inlove with you. and he finds it lovingly amusing.

“if you regret it, then it’s okay. you don’t have to be in debt of a thing you regret on doing. if you truly feel guilt, then it just means your improving and want to be a better person my love.” he smiles, standing up and walking over to your seat, crouching before you as you were forced to look at him.

wriothesley holds your chin, going up to caress your cheeks coated with a red flush. “it may be your fault or not, but there will always be a way to fight back the sins of the past. you can get through it, i know you can.”

“your the strong and confident lady i love after all, hm?” he says with a grin, which makes your already flustered enough face go even more red.

you smile tenderly as he continues to caress your cheek, you leaned into his touch as you hear him chuckle lowly. wriothesley stands up straight, his hand now on your head as he ruffles your soft and silky hair.

wriothesley smirks, a teasing one. which means he’s probably going to say something just to tease you and to lighten up the mood a bit. “besides, i’m the only one who’s allowed to eat you whole, princess.”

made by @seaadc and @seaadc only !!

laughinf bc i made this at exactly 1am LMFAOO (i’m mentally unstable)

[louscartridge]

⇢ ˗ˏˋselenite

han jisung x gn reader

cw- could be really fucking triggering!! selfharm (cutting, burning, hitting, nail/skin picking, working out), comfort, cuddling, reader and jisung say ily, crying, reader goes on a vent, reader has a bit of an anger and pain problem.

han could tell you were having a hard time with staying clean.

the way you would bite your nails and the skin around them more than usual, the way you would bite the inside of your mouth and tongue all the time, they way you would hit your thighs whenever you would get mad. you wouldn’t tell him anything about it though, you didn’t have to.

when han got back to the dorms, he didn’t expect to see you there at all, let alone see you with your arms hugging your knees to your chest, head buried inbetween them and sobbing silently.

han quickly sets his bag down next to the door and makes his way over to you on his bunk. “jagiya, whats wrong?” he asks carefully.

of course he’d had ideas of what might be wrong, but he also couldn’t know for sure if he was correct. he knew that if he was right, he needed to at least try to help you in some way, but he also knew if he was way off, he had to tread around it carefully.

you take in a long, shaky breath before answering. “i cant do it anymore ji”

jisung’s heart dropped at your words.

“do what anymore?”

“stay clean. i hate it. all of it. everyone keeps telling me i’ve been nicer since i’ve been clean.” you wiped your eyes with your hoodie sleeve before continuing. “which is bullshit, by the way, i dont think i’ve been acting any different. i’m mad. all the time. i mean, i was before but whenever i would get mad i was able to do something about it. now? i can’t do shit.”

your crying begins to stop as you speak and the anger in your voice slowly increases.

“felix keeps telling me i can still do something about it, it’ll just be healthy now. which yeah, you could say that- but it’s stupid. ive tried other things, healthy things. but nothing works. pain was.. is, the only thing that actually helps me. with everything.  pain is the only thing that would bring me back. i would cut and burn and hit to feel it. to see it. to see and feel that i’m real. it would bring my anger back down. i would punch a wall so hard my hand would hurt, i would throw something so hard to where my shoulder would ache. pain is the only fucking way and now i can’t even do that. i need to relapse soon or i swear to god i’m gonna go fucking insane.”  

“changbin hyung says i can go to the gym with him, which i think i might do.”

jisung did nothing but gaze at you and listen until he was sure you were done. something he knew no one ever really did in your life.

when you finished and looked at him, he prepared his response.

“i know you hate it, but it’ll be worth it. eventually. and you have been nicer, to an extent.” han said and moved so he was sat next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

“i’m pretty sure thats just how you are though.” he laughs. “and felix is right, in a way. you can still do something about it, it’ll just be healthy. it might feel like it doesn’t do anything but you just gotta get used to it and you will. it’s just gonna take time and this is the hardest part. you gotta put the effort in - you can’t just do something once and expect it to work overnight, you have to put work into it for it to have an affect on your life. something you do a lot is rely on other people.”

“oh but i thought-” you began.

jisung cut you off, knowing what he had said sounded harsh and knowing what you were going to say. ‘oh, but i thought you were ok with that’.

“you can rely on me all you want, that’s fine, as long as you know its not exactly heathy. but you can’t really do that with other people. i know pain has always been a big thing for you, has been since we met. but it’s not something that you should keep doing and you know it. do you think you’ll be able to trust yourself to work out with changbin without turning it into self-harm again?”

“i don’t know, thats why i haven’t gone with him yet. i think if i do it with someone else i would be able to. but probably not if i were to work out by myself.”

han sighed and went to say something but you didn’t let him.

“can we just go to sleep please? i’m so tired and i miss you.” you ask, your voice getting quiet.

“of course jagi.”

han moves behind you and spoons you as you both lay down.

you bury your face in his arms that encircle you.

“i love you. so much. so does chan, and felix, and everyone else in this dorm. just not as much as i do obviously.” han says quietly.

the last part of his sentence made you giggle.  

“you’re becoming yourself again. it might not feel like it yet, but i can see it in you.” han says and kisses your shoulder.

“i love you.” you whisper, kissing his hands as you both fall asleep.

[trans-axolotl]

for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.

ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.

i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.

sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.

content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.

Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.

I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.

Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.

Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.

That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.

And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.

Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.

💜💜💜💜

[slutdge]

🐞

[galaxywarp]

i know the vent posts might be a little....dark. and uncomfortable. its uncomfortable as FUCK for me to talk about this stuff. to admit how im really feeling. to admit im having cravings right now i really want some goddamn fucking meth.

but ive felt like this before, so many times, and i kept silent. i didnt talk about it, to anyone, not even myself, and i always ended up relapsing.

i cant stop myself from craving. but i can stop being silent about it. you know.

[firefly-sky]

i’m sorry i keep venting but i swear this is my lowest. and i don’t really have any other way to filter it out because it’s like it’s consuming me and i can’t get it out of my head and i don’t wanna relapse again so. tw for self harm, sa mentions and suicide (i’m not gonna do anything but things will be mentioned.

today has been absolute hell. i don’t know why but the ask from this morning has me all jumpy or whatever. i just feel sick. i dunno. i guess i deserve it. i deserve to feel this way. i deserve what happened to me because i hurt people. i don’t like to say i was assaulted because i was young when it happened (8-12y/o or so) and it just kinda feels like i don’t have a right to say that because it wasn’t that much. like my grandpa used to slap me on the ass. he touched my chest area once or twice but that was it. but he did that to a lot of people. and i dunno. i feel like i can’t call it assault because it wasn’t. he didn’t know what he was doing because he had alzheimer’s and was demented. i dunno. i wish he was nicer. he used to scream at me and my brothers a lot. he made us cry and hide a lot too. he wasn’t very nice. but he’s still family and i have to love him. and i thought i was over it but the stupid ask from this morning just had me like…i dunno. feeling weird.

i suppose i deserved it. if i told my family they would tell me im being a dramatic attention seeker. so i guess that’s what im being. but i dunno. i hate complaining about this stuff because it doesn’t do anything. but still. and the shit about my brother doesn’t bother me as much. he was probably joking around or whatever when he was touching my clothes. it’s blurry now. but it’s whatever. i deserve this all. i deserve it. and i keep telling myself that.

i relapsed last night. for the first time in about nine months. i had one of the worst mental breakdowns of my life. i was just stuck on the bathroom floor crying while i relapsed. it wasn’t that bad. i shouldn’t count it as s/h. it never broke skin. or well; that much at least. i don’t even know hat happened, i was just thinking for too long and i ended up spiraling. i thought about ending it last night while taking my meds because i was thinking about how easy it would’ve been. i deserve it. but i was thinking like…i dunno. running from this won’t do anything. so i guess i have to face it myself.

every time i hear my mom tell me im a loyal friend, or that im kind, or whatever, all i can think about is how many people i’ve hurt. and it’s just become my life now. i hardly sleep. i either don’t eat or i eat til i feel like throwing up. i feel like there’s no escape and i did this all to myself. i wish i could turn back time. i do. but i cant. i wish that i could tell my past self what a fucking idiot she was. i don’t want to keep fighting this. i wanna be happy. but i feel like i can’t do anything.

everyone says im just doing ‘good’. good in school, in clubs, in whatever. but good isn’t great. and i need to be great. i need to be exceptional. i need to be exemplary. i need to be the best. that’s always where my mind is at. and if i’m not the best, i’m nothing. and i am nothing. i will always be nothing. because i can’t get off my lazy ass to do anything productive so i either drown myself in work or i do nothing but waste time holed up in my room because there’s something wrong with me and i can’t turn it off.

i’m scared. but i deserve to be scared. i deserve all of this and all of what’s to come. i don’t even think it’s because of friend issues either anymore. i just finally woke up and realized how meaningless everything i do is. because i’m not a good friend. i’m not a good sister. i’m not a good partner. i’m not anything. i’m not the best and when i’m not the best, i’m nothing.

[msallurea]

The Blessing of No Longer Relasping

TW: very vulnerable, includes discussion of dr*gs, su1c1de, s3lf h4rm, etc

Today I woke up and everything was going fine until my morning was ruined because I couldn't find my key on my purse which is where I always put it. This pissed me completely off for 3 main reasons:

1. I hate hearing my mom fuss and give me the irresponsibility speech

2. I ALWAYS am 99.9% aware of where my things are and if not then it's placed in the last place I know I put it at which I didn't see it at

3. My siblings are the reason I know my key wasn't there

How my set my personal belongings I try putting it in a way where it can't be touched, unfourtanetly my siblings always find a way to ruin that which is why I've been dying for my own fucking room. This weekend they had continuously kept dropping mythings and at some point I got tired of it and told them they need to pick up my things themselves, this alone pissed me off even more because when I checked my things stuff was still on the floor that was for me. As I was trying to find my key this morning mind you I have to be at school at a certain time as well I couldn't even find it and when I asked my siblings to help me because I know in my gut they're the reason why it wasn't there, for one they were barely looking and secondly they sat up there looking in the places I knew it wasn't at..(my little sister for example sees me looking in my purse and sits up there walk towards me trying to look in my purse to see if it's there I MEAN WTF BRO😑🤬)

So now I'm sitting in class trying to figure out how I'm about to tell my mom I don't have my key without telling her and play it off. Honestly this whole thing upsets me and really sets me off causing me stress. I had came to school ans my thoughts were pretty rampant but after a long while eventually I calm down...well at least my thoughts weren't so rampant. Normally I would've tried doing something to harm myself or fill my mind up with the many MANY ways I would've wanted to either get revenge or harm myself or 0verd0se of dr*gs just to feel better especially because I'm holding back a ton of tears right now. This is sensitive and so stressful for me because I do have OCD and I'm prone to high levels of stress especially especially when I become compulsive.

This time around I didn't do anything out of character. I didn't plunge myself up in a dark place and drown myself in my own rage and impulse shoving myself down with anything harmful i could find just to feel better like I normally would've done. The worst part is with all this I was gonna blame myself for even allowing this entire situation to happen this way. I say all this to say to anyone who does have issues with relapsing and going back to there old self h4rming tendencies that it is ok...you don't have to be a slave to your darker traits. It's a blessing I didn't drown myself in my compulsive nature and self aimed harm. Just like for those who have been going strong on sobriety and are recovering from your own self h4rm tendencies I want you to know I'm so proud of you..that's something I wish I could hear in times like this where the world we live in currently quite literally anything could trigger me and people like me.

To those who are still here holding strong just know we both made it this far and we're gonna make it even farther..to those who are on their verge of end and feel they are ready to clock out and unsubcribe from what feels like hell right now...I cant control your choices and decisions but if you have any little feeling left at all in you please understand that you don't have to be a slave to yourself anymore. I know you wanna let it all go and not deal with any of these things anymore, but know there is always a choice even when you can't see them. You always have a choice to finally take control even if it seems like you can't. Take it from me when I say that it is out of our control to see how others will do us and the circumstances we go through but it is in our control how we handle them and how we choose to let them affect us. To those who feel like no one ever listens know that you're always being heard..from someone much higher than any of us, who you believe that to be is your choice. There's a reason you're still here even if you can't see it yet or even understand, you're not gonna understand now but you will one day which makes this all the more valuable.

You are loved, you are safe, you're protected, you ARE enough and always will be..