#ive been noticing some...patterns repeating

[remholder]

its strudel icing guys cmon now

[thecherrygod]

i have a weird relationship with my grandma. i think we both try but we both tend to hit our limits. at least on my part im trying to not let it happen too often tho bc it does feel mean and unnecesary, and she is almost 90

now that one of my brothers is living with us again for a bit, even tho she loves him and he clearly is the favorite grandson, they are currently in a rough spot relationship wise, so im trying to be even kinder to her to try and not get her too down

......

and its a bit funny that every time i am a bit more patient she does the equivalent of giving me lunch money

[fushigur0ll]

Hiii.!! So idk if u take requests or not..😅 but i js read all of ur e42 miles fic and i love the way u write him sm.!! And i was wondering if u could write a fem reader or not up to u.!! But reader having a rlly bad day and miles come home and sees her rlly upset and js comforts her.? Js like a fluff wit sum angst.?!

Ive js been havin a hard time here recently and i need some miles comfort..☹️ buttt if u dont want to do it that’s completely fine i just love ur writing smm.!!💕💕💕💕

Have a good day.!!!

..you’re the sweetest person? omg? help me now? i’m so sorry you’re having a not so good time but i hope it does it better with me writing your request and in general<3 this may be a little late because i’m going through temporary writers block once again:)

I’M HERE

꒰ ♡ ꒱ — earth42!miles notices you haven’t been yourself lately so now being the boyfriend he is, he’s gonna try and make you feel better!

includes; a tinge of angst nothing too much, fluff, tears, cuddles, kisses and a whole lotta love<3 not proofread, i just woke up💔

miles stares at his you with a blank look, noticing that ever since you came over to his house you’ve been quiet..unusually quiet. everytime he’d ask you something you’d answer with basically a monosyllable or a mutter of an ‘yes’ or a ‘no’

he’s not frustrated with you at all but he’s frustrated with himself that he can’t figure out what is wrong with you and he wants to make you feel better and not dwell in this feeling forever. he huffs and just stares at you longingly, thinking on what to do but the only other thing he can think of is just talk but you really don’t seem in the mood for that but hey

he has to try

“baby” he calls out, watching you hand freeze, the tip of the mechanical pencil was at least half an inch away from the book. you keep your hand there as you glance up at him, just staring at him with a blank look to your face and eyes making him get increasingly worried.

“c’mere” he beckons you over with a nod of his head and you sigh, placing your pencil down then your headphones before getting up from your seat to walk over to him. he pats his lap and you hesitantly sit on sideways on his lap so you can rest your head into his chest. he rubs your back softly while his other hand softly rubs your thigh, his callused hand squeezing the fat of your thigh.

“something is wrong with you and don’t deny it because you know that i know” he looks down at you not giving you a chance to deny the things he’s said.

which was true.

you didn’t want to bother him with your concerns and your train of thoughts because you thought it would’ve burdened or bothered him. your eyes start to burn with unshaded tears, your hands in your lap as you play with your fingers trying to stop yourself from crying so he wouldn’t see but if it wasn’t for miles noticing the change in your breathing pattern going from calm to staggered, made his eyebrows furrow, quickly cupping your face to see now, tears rolling down your cheeks.

“hey hey- what’s going on?” he frowns as you stuff your face into his chest again, sniffling and softly crying into his chest. he looks up and holds you tight to his chest as he hears you no longer trying to keep your cries to yourself with your sobs getting louder and louder the less you try to keep them concealed.

at this point he thinks he did something to hurt you this much that you’re sobbing this harsh onto him. it almost makes his eyes stings by the way he can hear the heartbreak and sadness from your cries. he sits there holding you to him tightly and kissing your cheek, temple and shoulder once in a while with small mumbles of comments like “i’m here” “i’m not going anywhere” “talk when you’re ready baby”

“Deep breaths." he whispers into your ear, trying to make you calm down. “do what i’m doing baby, come on” he holds your hand softly and starts breathing in and out for you to repeat. you nod and you start repeating him, breath still shaky but doing much better..

it took a while, like 5 minutes before you calmed down. you were about to wipe your cheeks but your boyfriend beats you to it, wiping your face for you. he fixes you on his lap so you were filling straddling him with both legs on either side of him and you facing him directly. he keeps his hand cupped on your cheek and sees you nuzzle into it with your eyes fluttering closed

“a little better?” he asks, softly and you nod.

you both sit there in silence for what feels like a while before you open your eyes again and kiss the palm of his hand then leaning forward to kiss his soft lips that kiss you back. you wrap your arms around his around his shoulders while his go around your waist, pulling you closer as you two continue to lock lips. you pull away from each-other staring into each other eyes with nothing but love and admiration.

“talk to me beautiful” he whispers, hands going back to rubbing your skin softly. you sigh and look down at your lap.

“i’m sorry- you have nothing to apologize for” he cuts you off. he tilts your face up to him again. “don’t ever apologize for feeling how you’re feeling. i just wanna be there for you” you nod and stare at him softly.

“i’m just so tired miles” you pout slightly, feeling another tear come down your face but he’s there’s to wipe it away. “i was so annoyed with classes today and some boys in my class just kept annoying me on purpose” you feel his hand tighten on your thigh but you continue “and when i stood up for myself and told them to stop— the teacher came at me..me! not them, me! i tried to explain but he just told me to go to the principals office for talking back and then i just went and i told the principal everything and he said that everything will be fine which obviously nothing turned out fine right after that” you exhale “they kept flipping harassing me and they just kept saying the most complete idiotic things about how i don’t belong here and they said…” you trailed off, frowning deeply which makes his head tilt to the side in confusion

“they said what?”

your mouth opens and closes trying to spit it out but you didn’t want to because you knew it was gonna be a 85% chance he was gonna go search for them tomorrow and deal with them

“tell me baby, i’m not gonna do anything” he mumbles bringing you much closer and you knew his ass was lying but you told him anyways.

“they..they said how i didn’t deserve you and how you could do much better then me..then they just started mentioning stuff you did in the past before me just trying to make me believe that you’re just gonna treat me like shit..then on top of all of that, the same teacher that sent me to the principals, said how i failed my test and i just couldn’t take it anymore” you sobbed “t-then my friends ditched me at lunch today and i was by myself and i didn’t want to be by myself because i knew i was gonna break down like right now” you sob harder, just mentally and physically tired. “my back hurts too” you add, shaking your head and he just sighs, pushing your head to his chest again, allowing you to get your feelings out.

“it’s okay to cry baby, let it out” he assures and you nod, holding him tight as you continue to cry. “i’m sorry, i’m crying too much” you laugh tearfully, going to wipe your tears but he beats you too it.

“again, stop apologizing” he frowns gently puts your hands down from your face to cup and rub your cheeks to wipe the tears.

“don’t you ever, ever, think i’m gonna leave you or treat you like shit..why would i? i have no reason to, pretty” he brings your face closer to kiss your nose and lips. “those idiots, they don’t know me baby, they haven’t spent a single day with me, they only just love to judge from a far and think whatever and that’s what i am” he shakes his head. “i love you too much to let you go, i’m so appreciative of you, you don’t even understand and you won’t ever. i never had anyone care and look out for me the way you do, love me the way you do” he whispers, staring deep into your eyes.

“everything you do makes me feel at home, it doesn’t make me what everyone thinks i am. you didn’t run when we met, you didn’t give up on me no matter how many times i tried to keep that wall around me” he chuckles and shakes his head. “you made me understand how it is to love someone else that isn’t my mom, dad or even my uncle. no matter how many times i see you, even still till this day, my heart beats so fast for you” he takes one hand off your cheek to get your hand that rests on his lap to bring it to his chest, right where his heart lays and no lie that was told.

you eyes widen a bit when you do indeed feel his heart beat faster then normal. you smile and so does he. “and you know i never like lying” you agree with a small nod of your head.

“i’ll talk some sense into them” that makes you look at him with a deadpan and he smiles “no one is gonna talk to my girl like that, i don’t play about you” you couldn’t help but giggle and that makes him smile every wider that you’re cheering up. “as for your test, let’s see if you can retake it and i’ll help you study. if you can’t retake it, wait for the next one and you’ll do even better. ‘n for your back, i can run you a hot or warm bath and i’ll take care of you, mkay?”

you nod

“words baby”

you smile “yes miles”

“that’s my girl”

“can we lay down first? i missed you” you whisper, rubbing his arms making him smile and nod. “anything for you” he holds your thighs as he fixes himself on his bed, laying back properly and with you still ontop of him, head on his chest listening to the fast but soft beating to his heart. he hums softly, eyes closed as he rubs your back and thigh softly.

“hearing your heart makes me happy” you speak softly, tilting your head up to look at him. he opens his eyes to looks right back at you.

“you make me happy too”

“…” you both stare at eachother bursting into laughter. “too corny baby” you chuckle and lean him to kiss him softly. “i love you” you whisper against his lips and he grins against yours, kissing you back but not before responding,

“i love you more, my beautiful girl”

fushigur0ll © 2022 all rights reserved.

[theshiftingwitch]

hello! i have some questions :)

im aware that i have to “ignore the 3D and persist in my imagination”, but for me that’s a lot easier said than done. for the past 2 or 3 days ive been really good with robotically affirming, and whenever i get an intrusive thought like “i can’t manifest”, i just repeat “i can” and get back to my affirmations, i think that’s ignoring the 3D, but that’s as far as i can get right now.

something that im manifesting right now is for my mother to change her ways and become a better person and parent, how do i ignore the 3D and believe in my imagination that easily if she is just attacking me all day? it’s hard. i don’t really understand…

also, i cant really understand the concept of “4D/our imagination is our true reality” and that’s what we have to believe in. ive known about manifestation for years now, but this is relatively new to me, im not sure how i can really get that down, because i can’t really grasp it.

any help that you can give is lovely and greatly appreciated! thank you for your help! 😊

When we say that imagination is our true reality, we mean that everything that ever existed was once nothing but pure imagination. Before inventing cars, they were nothing but imagination that was brought to life. The internet existed only in imagination before translating into 3D reality. Best selling books were nothing but scenarios in the author's imagination, then became a tangible object in the 3D.

Everything starts in your imagination, so that is the true reality. With conscious choices and persistence, that reality is brought through to the 3d, and that is manifesting.

I understand that in your case it is hard to persist while constantly getting triggered. The only thing you have to understand is that the 3d is currently reflecting the old story back to you. How many days, months or years did you sit in your room and complain in your head about how awful your mother is treating you? That is the story that is being played out now. And as is known with LOA, you have to change your inner world so that the mirror (3d) starts reflecting a new reality to you.

You're doing great. Not only did you notice the pattern that was harming you, you also took a conscious decision to change it, and you're sticking with that decision by affirming daily. That is a lot more than most people do, and you're guaranteed success.

So what yo do now? Keep affirming. If visualization works for you, imagine a new life with a kind, supportive mom. If scripting is better for you, write about your daily life now that your family is everything you have ever wanted them to be. The point is to stay in that state of having your desires fulfilled. As for when the 3d is not conforming immediately, just watch it. It's an old movie playing out, and in a few minutes, the movie you want is going to Start. Will you throw the remote at the TV and break the screen because your desired movie took a few minutes longer to start? No! You'll wait because it's only a few moments. Make some popcorn, get a drink, bake some cookies... The old movie has no effect on you, it's just a story playing on the screen that you don't even have to pay attention to. (If the scene is triggering you, walk away from the TV and remember the new movie you're excited about, it's coming soon)

I hope that helps you understand, and if you have any more questions, my inbox is always open ✨

Happy manifesting ❤️

[tengritexas]

Candle Light Meditation: The Peculiar Treatment for Insomnia, Irregular Sleep Patterns, and ADHD

Hi everyone! Today Im writing about a new meditation trick Ive been testing out and Ill be sharing how to do it if youre interested.

Why I chose to do it

While I may like to do old man things, sitting at home and watching candle lights werent really my idea of a good time. However in the past few weeks Ive had really big issues maintaining a healthy sleep pattern and Ive always struggled with ADHD and getting school work done. I was told by a buddy of mine about mindfulness meditation and that has helped my adhd in the past so I figured this was worth a go!

Candle Light Meditation Craze

If you go to google or youtube youll certainly find all kinds of gurus and spiritualists suggesting this meditation will "decalcify your pinal gland" which would be something impacting most of us around the age 18-30 depending on diets and things like that

Here is the issue THERE IS NO RESEARCH TO SUGGEST THIS PRACTICE DECALCIFIES YOUR PENAL GLAND. So to say if that happens or not is not my place. Im a dude who posts bangers on the internet, not a neuro scientist.

What it did do

Despite the research not being there. I can tell you in the few days of doing it I have noticed my focus has sharply improved. My fatigue isnt so bad either. My sleep schedule hasnt improved to much yet but hey! Im a college student Im busy chatting and making friends (doing essays lol).

I believe some of these symptoms are associated with the pinal gland but again, I have no idea. All I can tell you is I do eat frozen foods often and this did help. I dont have a CT scanner in my room so beyond that I have no idea lol.

How to do candle light meditation

Grab a candle, light it and turn off as many lights to get the room as dark as you can. Try to use a candle with a still flame and turn off fans aswell.

Try to focus on the most solid part of the flame for a few seconds up till 3 minutes. You ideally want to do this until you feel a fuzzy feeling in your head.

Turn away from the candle and close your eyes, you should see the imprint of the flame, stare at that for as long as you can until it goes away.

Try to do repeat process 3 times a day (in one setting) for 5 days. Usually by 5 days you should begin to feel a strange tiredness in your mind. This is what your looking for. You are overloading that part of the brain because its not really being used. Much like trying to run for the first time in a few months.

The end result

Around day 5 you should find yourself being able to focus more! Ive also heard some people report it helps them with creative writing aswell but I cant attest to that.

Let me know what you guys think! Hope it helps :>

[chibinightowl]

Ever since my gallbladder surgery last weekend, I keep thinking about a fic where Tim has to have the same thing done. But the surgeon isn't one in a private hospital who won't ask questions about why his patient is covered in so many scars and admits to already having had a splenectomy too. There are many scars that have clearly been neatly stitched up while others have a wide scatter pattern almost like gunshot wounds. He voices his thoughts to the OR nurse who in turn reaches out to the hospital social worker.

Before Tim is even fully awake, there's a case opened up. All of this is happening outside of Gotham (maybe in San Francisco while Tim is with the Titans) so that's why it takes longer for Babs to learn what's going on and for Bruce to arrive and attempt damage control. It turns into a mess and he isn't allowed to see Tim at all, who's just blearily waking up and trying to keep fluids down, maybe asking for help to do a few laps around the unit to help shake the anesthesia. He's not so out of it though that he doesn't notice the hospital security guard trailing him and the nice RN who's holding his arm while he's got a death grip on his IV pole.

It's only that night when he's sleeping (he'd had a round of vomiting around dinner time that moved his release to the next morning) that Dick sneaks into the room and wakes Tim up to tell him what's going on. The fact Tim is an emancipated minor means nothing right now since clearly, some of his scars are old and faded from the passage of time.

Tim is honestly tired and uncomfortable and just wants to go back to sleep, but Dick is insistent that he repeat back Bruce's plan. He does and is finally allowed to return to his rest.

When he wakes up the next morning during the RN's rounds, he asks if he'll be allowed to leave today. She tells him that if he can keep his breakfast down, then yes. There is no medical reason to keep him in the hospital for longer. But while he's trying to eat the gloop that's trying to pass as oatmeal, the social worker enters, along with hospital security. Tim is well-aware of the fact his legal emancipation means they can't detain him nor does he have to be released into the care of his family. He doesn't want to be coddled to death in Gotham anyway, so he pulls a fast one once he's alone again and takes advantage of Kon's super hearing to send a message through him.

A couple hours later, Jason arrives at the hospital under one of his better fake IDs and Tim is released into his care. Jason finds this whole thing hilarious and is helping mostly because he loves it when Tim and Bruce are at odds with each other. Says it makes Tim seem more human and less like a robot.

Meanwhile, Bruce is tearing his hair out because he's being stymied at every turn while trying to see his son and has brought out the big guns in the form of his lawyers. He's not arrested per se, but he's being strongly encouraged not to leave the state while an investigation into Tim's medical background ensues. Of course, he's also wondering exactly why Tim didn't follow along with the plan Dick said he'd laid out to him. Dick is clueless as to why, but he has his suspicions that he doesn't voice. He'd been seventeen and rebellious once, so it doesn't take the World's Greatest Detective to figure out Tim is exercising his independence.

Of all the places, Jason takes Tim back to Gotham and sets up shop in Tim's apartment at the old theater to keep an eye on him. Tim is young and healthy, so his recovery will be quick, but he's also a Bat, which means he's prone to pushing his luck sooner than he should. There are arguments, bickering, and one time Jason has to physically carry Tim out of his Nest while the younger man protests loudly that he was only going to work for a couple of hours. Jason wonders why the hell he signed up for this because Tim is a handful, but he's also having a blast circumventing him, so he might as well stay for as long as he's having fun (come on, I had to put in a JayTim twist here eventually).

Blah blah blah, Bruce is eventually back in Gotham and he's Not Happy with how things turned out in California. He actually hadn't known about Tim's splenectomy until Dick told him about it (why wasn't it in Tim's file, Dick???), so he needs to have Words with his third son. When he goes to Tim's apartment, he's surprised to find Jason is there and looks rather comfortable being there too. He decides to question it later since Tim is alive and well, and bitching from the living room that he's bored and it's been two hours since he was allowed to have his tablet, so would Jason please give it back to him? (Jason has hidden it at the back of the top of the fridge where Tim can't reach or easily climb to given his current circumstances.)

It's all nicely domestic and warms Bruce's heart to see them getting along. He tries to talk to Tim about what happened, who just shrugs and says he didn't feel like going to the manor to be coddled to death and benched until kingdom come. Bruce then tries asking him about the missing spleen and when the story comes out, he's seeing red. Excusing himself, he sets off to find Ra's's current location and make his life a miserable living hell for a while.

More blah blah blah and by the time Jason leaves Tim's apartment, a few weeks have passed. Tim isn't patrolling yet, but he's back in his Nest and offering tech and IT support to Jason during his own patrols and cases. They're working together, which is nice. Team Red is how the others start calling them.

You guys can figure out your own ending. ;)

[diorkyeom]

: : love, love, snapshoot

joshua x dokyeom, non-idols au, fluff, strangers to lovers

4.8k+ words, no warnings

also on ao3 | ngl i kinda think i might wanna make this a little longer? it's an idea ive had for sooo long haha

summary: "it was the fourth time this month that seokmin had come to the park, the fourth time he'd seen the pretty stranger sitting there, and also the fourth time his camera instinctively came up to his eyes, pressing the shutter with a small click. it was, however, the first time the stranger looked into his lens at the shuttering sound." seokmin takes photos of pretty things, and joshua is the pretty stranger he likes photographing the most.

Seokmin really needed to stop taking photos of this one stranger in the park every time he went out.

It was not like he was doing this on purpose. But sometimes, when life became too stressful, Seokmin liked to grab his camera and walk to his nearest park, taking pictures of the trees and the birds or the children in the distance as they lived through their childhood. Lately, though, there had been a man sitting there when Seokmin arrived, sipping a coffee or looking at his phone and being entirely oblivious to the world.

Seokmin liked pretty things! Pretty things, nice things, like the silhouette of an elderly man walking his dog during the evening, like the frost patterns across the wooden benches during the winter. Anything pretty that caught his eye would be photographed for him to keep as his reminder that this world was still a wonderful place. 

And, well.

This stranger was really, really pretty.

Late afternoon on a Friday found Seokmin taking a walk once again, the red straps of his camera wound around his wrists. The clouds were a soft grey, fluffily making their slow way across the tired blue of the sky, looking much like how Seokmin felt at that moment, all fatigued and relaxed. As he neared the park, he slowed down, fingers twitching around his camera as he recognised a familiar figure sitting on one of the benches.

This was insane.

It was the fourth time this month that Seokmin had come to the park to destress, and also the fourth time that he’d seen this pretty stranger sitting there, hair gently ruffled by the wind, looking like the handsome main character of some insanely aesthetic anime.

It was the fourth time that his camera instinctively came up to his eyes, watching as the man took a deep breath in, the upturned corners of his lips making him look like he had a permanent smile on his lips before Seokmin’s finger pressed down with a small click.

It was, however, the first time that the stranger turned to look right into his lens at the shuttering sound.

His first thought was that the stranger had the prettiest, warmest, most doe-like eyes that Seokmin had ever seen, and he decided that he really needed to sort out his brain if that was the first thing he noticed. His second thought was that this was a really, really awkward situation.

“Oops,” Seokmin blurted out, and felt a lot more idiotic when the word left his mouth. “Um. Sorry. I’m just—”

The pretty man was still just staring at him, eyes wide, while Seokmin fumbled over his words and fiddled with his camera and shuffled on the spot, trying desperately to figure out how to not make himself sound like a creepy stalker while trying to explain himself.

“Sorry,” Seokmin said again. He gestured to his camera weakly. “I like taking pictures of things ‘cause it helps me relax, and I come to this park sometimes because everything is just so peaceful. There are so many pretty things here and you’re pretty and I just— oh, God, you’re really pretty and you look all lovely while sitting there and I like to take pictures of, um, really pretty things and you… yeah.” He trailed off, realising that he was rambling and repeating himself now, and the man was still staring at him and he kind of wanted to go dig a hole into the ground and bury himself in the hopes that he’d never have to have another conversation with anyone ever again. “I promise I’m not a creep,” he added with a strained smile. “You’re just really… really pretty.”

The stranger blinked, open-mouthed, before suddenly he ducked his head and hid his mouth behind the back of his hand, but then his eyes crinkled as he took his hand away, laughing such a melodic laugh that Seokmin could almost see the white doves fluttering around and the sudden, angelic glow that lit up his vision as he watched the man’s lips curved up even more.

“Oh, wow, that’s okay,” the man said, still laughing softly, waving a hand reassuringly. “I, uh, come to the park sometimes as well, when I’m destressing myself. I had no idea I was being someone’s model at the same time.”

That made Seokmin wince a little. “Sorry,” he said, yet again, thumb brushing over the top of his camera nervously. “It’s probably really uncomfortable for you, and if you want, I can totally delete any photos I have, because um. I have a lot—”

“No, seriously, I don’t mind,” the man said, and his eyes were such a warm brown that Seokmin had to blink a few times to consciously stop himself from falling into their softness. “It’s okay with me. I’m okay with you taking photos of me.” He smiled, and his smile was so pretty and his expression so lovely and open that Seokmin felt dizzy.

“R… really?”

The man laughed again, and Seokmin saw dove feathers once more, cheeks heating up slightly at how absurd it was that he was finding a laugh to be so attractive. “Yeah, really,” the man said, eyes bright even in the fading light of the late afternoon. He paused, and then asked more hesitantly, “Could I see some of the photos, though? If that’s alright with you?”

“Oh!” Seokmin almost dropped his camera in surprise as the man stood up, making his way over to him, and this wasn’t how he’d thought his Friday late afternoon visit to the park would go, but this certainly wasn’t bad. “Yeah. I mean, they’re of you, so…”

The man just laughed, and then he leaned over Seokmin’s camera, standing so close to him that they were practically brushing shoulders. The man smelled nice, Seokmin thought faintly. Like something gentle and silky and sweet all at once. For a brief moment, he had a thought of how nice it would be to wake up in bed with that scent and a pair of arms wrapped securely around him. 

Okay. He really needed to get his brain sorted out. 

He opened up the camera gallery, tilting the screen slightly so the man could see the photo. The stranger hummed interestedly, tilting his head.

“Wow. That’s beautiful.”

In the photo, the sun was setting somewhere in the trees behind the man, and his side profile was darkened. But still, it managed to define the curve of his lips, the gentle slope of his nose, and the blue-grey sky and the peaceful colours of the park that drape so elegantly over the brown suede coat over the man’s shoulders only serve to make him look even more like the romantic, beautiful male lead of a fairytale-esque movie. 

That very same man looked up from Seokmin’s camera, eyes wide. “I think it’s incredible, how you managed to make me look like that.” And he was looking at Seokmin with such awe in his eyes, as if Seokmin had made him look prettier than reality, as if he didn’t know just how beautiful he truly was.

Seokmin lowered his head, feeling the blush that was rapidly creeping up his ears. “It’s nothing,” he said, shy. “It’s you doing all the work, anyway. It’s because you’re just so pretty.”

The man didn’t say anything to that, looking down at Seokmin’s camera again. “Can I see some more?” he asked softly, and there was no way that Seokmin would have ever been able to refuse.

And so, they stood there in the park, bent over Seokmin’s camera even though there was a bench right next to them, flicking through Seokmin’s pictures while the man hummed aloud in wonder and Seokmin blushed further and further.

“Oh wow,” the man said again, when he landed on one of the first pictures that Seokmin had taken of him, where the golden light of the setting sun painted his face with such beautifully warm colours, his lashes creating gentle shadows across his cheekbones while his head had been tilted down, eyes closed. Seokmin had been so awed by the man’s beauty that day, capturing that moment almost without being aware of what his hands were doing.

“This is one of my favourites,” Seokmin said, a little embarrassed, wondering how him taking photos of this stranger had somehow, in the span of fifteen minutes, led to him showing that same man all the photos he’d taken of him. 

“It’s incredible,” the man murmured. “Is it okay if I…?” After getting the reassurance from Seokmin, he wraps his own hands around the camera, warm fingers brushing against Seokmin’s for a moment before he hurriedly snatches his hands away, the blush painting tendrils all the way down his neck. 

He watches as the man brought the camera closer to his eyes, fascinated, and felt his heart constrict at how genuinely nice and sweet the man was being. As he looked up at Seokmin, eyes bright as he asked him how he managed to get the photo focused so well, Seokmin wondered whether maybe he’d met the love of his life, right in that moment. 

And also whether he’d be able to ask this pretty man for his phone number.

“You’re so talented,” the man said, the sincerity practically glowing in his words once he’d seen the last photo, handing the camera back to Seokmin. “I think you’re so incredible to be able to make things look so beautiful through a camera lens. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself look so… ethereal.”

Seokmin’s eyes widened, surprised. “You’re the prettiest person in the world,” he said, and now it was his turn to have the glowing sincerity lighting up his words. “Honestly, I don’t really take photos of people as my main focus. It’s normally just landscapes, and maybe the occasional people as small dots in the distance, but you… and you’re such a nice person, too,” he added, for some reason feeling like he has to let this man know just how wonderful Seokmin thought he is. “If someone else had caught me taking photos of them, they would’ve… I dunno, smashed my camera by now, or something.”

The man gaped. “Who would do that?”

Seokmin bit his lips, embarrassed. “Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but they wouldn’t have been happy. But you even asked to see the other photos, you know? I don’t think others would have done that.” Seokmin smiled, and he knew he had that stupid starry-eyed admiration in his eyes, but by God was this man truly the loveliest man he’s ever met.

“I—” The man blinked rapidly, one hand coming up to brush his knuckles against his cheekbone, and his lips twitched as if holding back a smile. Then he looked at Seokmin again, eyes endlessly warm. “Thank you.”

Seokmin beamed, and his ears felt like they were on fire but he ignored it. “No thanking needed! You’re seriously just so pretty.” Seokmin thought he’d probably said the word ‘pretty’ during the span of their conversation more times than he’d ever said as a compliment for Minghao’s outfits, and that was really saying something. He held up his camera bashfully. “It’s why I took so many pictures of you, after all.”

The man stared at Seokmin for a long, long moment. 

“I’m Joshua,” he said abruptly, extending a hand in Seokmin’s direction. “And it’s really, really nice to meet you.”

The sudden introduction threw Seokmin off a little, startled, but Joshua’s eyes were so wide and earnest and he fiddled with his camera, trying to free his hand so he could return the handshake.

“I’m—”

“Joshuji! God, why did you get here so early? I bet you’ve been waiting for ages, haven’t you?”

Both Seokmin and Joshua startled at the new voice, and out of nowhere an arm suddenly slung around Joshua’s shoulders, tugging him close to another man’s chest. Seokmin blinked at the newcomer, feeling like he'd been hit in the chest because wow, this man was so pretty too.

The man grinned, and his eyes glittered as he looked at Joshua, not even seeming to notice Seokmin’s presence. “Let’s go, yeah? The theatre’s actually a bit further from here than I thought, so we’re gonna have to hurry if we want to get to the show in time.”

Joshua looked at the man and then back at Seokmin, looking a little panicked. “Uh, Jeonghan—”

“I know, I know,” the man, Jeonghan, interrupted, squeezing Joshua’s arm. “It’s all my fault. Don’t worry, if we run then we’ll be able to make it. Might be faster if you carry me,” he added with a laugh, and Seokmin’s heart sank.

“Jeonghan,” Joshua said again, “I’m talking to someone.”

Jeonghan finally looked over at Seokmin and then paused, narrowing his eyes ever so slightly. Instantly, his sweet, angelic face became something sharper, and Seokmin felt awfully like he was being judged. He was about to awkwardly wave when Jeonghan’s expression suddenly cleared, beaming so widely that it had Seokmin reeling a little at the abrupt change. 

“Hi, person that Joshua was talking to! Sorry, but I really gotta drag him away from you,” he said brightly. “He and I have a date, and we really don’t want to miss it.”

Joshua’s eyes widened. “Jeonghan! You can’t just—”

“Come on, babe,” Jeonghan said, removing his arm from around Joshua’s shoulders to instead intertwine their hands instead. He gave Seokmin a mini salute, mouth quirking up into a smirk that looked scarily devious. “Sorry I have to drag Shuji away so quickly. It was nice meeting you!”

“I’m so sorry,” Joshua apologised as Jeonghan started to pull him away, “If it’s alright, could I still please get your n—”

The rest of Joshua’s sentence was lost as Jeonghan tugged at him, hard, and the two of them walked away, fingers firmly interlaced, the wind ruffling Jeonghan’s hair and Joshua’s coat.

In a few seconds, they were gone, and Seokmin was left alone.

Damn. He sulked to himself, looking sadly down at his camera in his hands. He’d just met the love of his life, but apparently the love of his life was in love with someone else.

He and I have a date. He and I have a date. He and I have a date.

Seokmin sighed disappointedly, wrapping the red straps around his hands before beginning to walk out of the park and back home. Well, he supposed he could congratulate Jeonghan for being able to get Joshua to fall in love with him. Seokmin would do absolutely anything to have someone so lovely and pretty loving him, after all.

He kicked at the grass, the image of Joshua and Jeonghan holding hands while looking so utterly perfect next to each other ingrained in his mind. 

Joshua and Jeonghan. Even their names sounded so perfect with each other. Like brass bells, golden and ringing and sweet. 

Oh, well, Seokmin thought as he walked home, it wasn’t really like he would have had a chance with Joshua, anyway. Joshua was too pretty to be stuck with someone like him.

—

When Seokmin saw Joshua again, he was most surprised by the fact that it had actually happened. 

It had been a couple of weeks since their first proper meeting, where Seokmin had learned the name of the pretty stranger before he'd been whisked away by his pretty friend, and Seokmin had accepted that he'd probably never see Joshua again. Fate just didn't work that way. So when Seokmin was sat in a coffee shop in the morning and he saw Joshua's familiar form walk past the windows and open the door, he found himself blinking in amazement. 

They were going to meet in a coffee shop. All Seokmin could think about, for a short moment, was how this was such a beautifully cliché meeting, and it was so perfect and so horribly unfair. 

Because Joshua wasn't even his. 

Joshua’s eyes widened when he saw Seokmin sitting at a table in the corner the moment he walked into the cafe, and his face broke out into a startlingly relieved grin. Seokmin found himself returning the grin with equal vigour, giving Joshua a tiny wave as the man made his way over to sit at his table. 

“Hi,” Joshua said warmly, and maybe Seokmin’s ears were deceiving him but he sounded strangely happy to see him again. “Fancy bumping into you again, huh?”

Seokmin smiled wider, unable to stop the way his lips curved upwards at Joshua's voice. "Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something," he joked, and beamed as Joshua laughed. 

"Maybe," he agreed. He nodded in Seokmin's direction, eyes twinkling. "You don't have your camera today, hm? Grown tired of taking pictures of me?" 

Seokmin blushed, ducking his head. "I would have brought it if I'd known I was going to bump into you," he said shyly, his words partially true. "I'd never get tired of looking at you."

That part rang entirely truthful, and Seokmin worried briefly that it had been too forward when Joshua blinked, before the man's face melted into a smile that looked even softer than before. 

"I'd never get tired of looking or talking to you," Joshua said, apparently completely oblivious to the way Seokmin's heart started to flutter wildly in his chest. "And I'm gonna go order my coffee now, but is it okay if I sit with you after?"

Seokmin blinked, before nodding rapidly. "Yeah! I haven't seen you at the park in ages! Not that I was going there just to look for you," he added hurriedly, "but, like. You've been there every time that I've been there, so. I was hoping to see you. But then I didn't. But I was looking forward to! So it's really nice to see you," he finished abruptly, deciding that that was enough rambling for one day. 

Joshua just chuckled. "I wanted to see you too," he said, and Seokmin desperately tried to stop the blush rising up his face. "I'll just go get my coffee first, okay?"

And he did, and Seokmin watched him do so, wondering vaguely why Joshua looked so happy to see him, all soft smiles and bright eyes. And where was that other man? The angelic, scary man? 

"How was your date?" Seokmin asked once Joshua returned with his coffee. Joshua tilted his head, confused. 

"My date?"

"With—with that man," Seokmin said, confused as to why Joshua was confused. "When we met! That angelic man who came up to you and took you on a date? To the theatre?"

Joshua frowned, and then his face cleared. "Jeonghan is a menace," he sighed. "We're not actually dating. He's just my best friend, and besides, he has his own boyfriend.” Smiling slightly, Joshua carried on, “He’ll be glad to hear you called in an angel, though.”

“You’re not dating him?” Seokmin asked.

Joshua shook his head. “Nope. I’m not dating anyone. I’m really, really single.”

Seokmin grinned, suddenly feeling a lot better about seeing Joshua again. “Oh, me too! I’m almost painfully single, actually. My friend keeps telling me that I need to go out and start dating again ‘cause apparently I’m being too mopey and it’s ruining his vibes.”

That made Joshua laugh, eyes crinkling as he took a sip of his coffee. “You don’t seem like a mopey person to me,” he said. "You're the brightest person I know."

People told Seokmin things like that a lot, but oddly, hearing it from Joshua made it sound like the sweetest, rarest compliment in the world. 

"Although, I don't really know you," Joshua added. "I never did get your name, even though I gave you mine."

"Oh!" Seokmin's eyes widened. "Sorry, you're right." He adjusted himself in his seat, putting on his sweetest smile. "I'm Seokmin. Lee Seokmin."

"Seokmin," Joshua repeated softly, and his eyes had melted into an emotion that Seokmin couldn't quite name, all caramel-coloured and gentle gold. "It's lovely to meet you, Lee Seokmin."

Seokmin laughed, attempting to cover up the blush rapidly spreading across his face. "It's lovely to meet you too, Joshua!" he chirped. He tilted his head, smiling so widely that his own eyes crinkled. "It's wonderful to make the acquaintance of someone so pretty like you."

Joshua ducked his head at that, knuckles brushing against his cheek before looking up at Seokmin again, his cheekbones faintly stained pink. "Well, you're not so bad yourself," he said, smiling, and Seokmin found himself smiling even wider.

"Certainly no match for you," he returned, laughing, mesmerised by the way Joshua's eyes seemed to twinkle even more.

There was a short moment of silence then, as Joshua simply continued to smile at Seokmin, before suddenly his eyes widened and his cheeks appeared to pinken even more as he blinked rapidly.

"Seokmin," he started, "I—"

Just then, they both flinched as Seokmin's phone began blaring out his ringtone at an obscene volume, vibrating vigorously on the table. Seokmin winced, and hurried to pick up the call. 

"Hello? Oh, Seungkwan, what's up? What? Why are you at the hospital? Oh my god, is Hansol okay? Oh, good, good, that's good. Huh? You want me to do what? Just take the bus, you don't need to drive… Soonyoung is probably closer, isn't he? Alright, alright, fine! No, don't cry! I'm coming, I promise, just lemme get to my car."

Seokmin ended the call with a sigh, looking apologetically at Joshua. The man tilted his head, looking both worried and curious, and with the morning light filtering in through the windows behind him, he looked like some sort of gorgeous, benevolent deity. 

"Is everything okay?" Joshua asked. 

"Kind of? One of my friends took one of my other friends to A&E because he'd apparently fractured his wrist, and now they want me to pick them up," Seokmin said, quickly finishing his coffee and standing up. "I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to go."

"No, no, of course," Joshua said, standing up as well. "I understand. You should go help your friend."

"He's a little bit of an excessive drama queen," Seokmin joked, "but yeah. I should probably go. Hopefully I'll see you around?"

Joshua smiled, all lovely and pretty and it took all of Seokmin's strength not to melt on the spot. "I'd like that."

Seokmin had nothing to say to that, rendered flusteredly speechless, so he simply blushed further and waved goodbye before hurrying out of the coffee shop. 

It was as he was getting into his car, however, that he realised. 

He still hadn't managed to get Joshua's number. 

—

Seokmin ended up not seeing Joshua around. 

It was depressing. Depressing that he doesn't see Joshua, but also depressing that it was affecting him so much. Every Joshua-less day was taking its toll on him, and eventually Minghao had to take him by the shoulders, manhandle his camera into his hands and force him out of the front door to go to the park and make him relax and feel more himself again. 

It was weird, because Seokmin had only really seen Joshua twice (those times where he'd been accidentally stalking him did not count), but the memory of Joshua's smile and his gentleness and the melodic nature of his laugh was already ingrained into his brain, and Seokmin never wanted to forget it. 

But it had been weeks since their last encounter in the coffee shop, and Seokmin was devastated that he really was beginning to forget. 

The park was practically empty when Seokmin arrived, save for a couple of teenagers in crocs kicking a ball down the path. Seokmin didn't pay them any mind, instead sitting down on the nearest bench and looking around the park with a sigh. 

There was nothing pretty around. It was late afternoon, and the sky was a weird blue-grey and everything just looked so dull. It hurt his eyes, a little, how dull everything was, so he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, in an attempt to become at one with the peace of the silence. 

Click. 

Seokmin's eyes flew open, and he turned to the side to see a man smiling at him, phone raised up to his face before he lowered it, eyes drinking. 

“Sorry,” Joshua said, voice all light and sweet and warm, “But you just looked so pretty. I couldn’t help it.”

“Joshua?” Seokmin gaped, as the man sat down beside him, phone still in hand. “What are you doing here?”

Joshua laughed, tilting his head back, and Seokmin’s vision was blinded once again by the golden light he’d seen the first time he’d heard Joshua’s laugh. “Taking pictures of all the pretty things I see, of course,” he said, nudging his shoulder gently against Seokmin’s. “Wanna see the photo I took?”

He showed Seokmin the photo, pointing out the pale afternoon light that made Seokmin’s skin look like it was glowing, pointing out the relaxed curve of Seokmin’s mouth and the defined lines of Seokmin’s nose and jaw.

“Don’t you just think it’s so pretty?” Joshua said, almost absentmindedly, still smiling down at the photo he’d taken. “I think it’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Seokmin couldn’t help but smile to himself, immensely pleased and immensely shy. “I still think that you’re the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Joshua looked up at Seokmin then, mouth half open, and there again was that gentle pink brushing against his cheekbones before he blinked and straightened. “Seokmin, can I be really, really honest with you?”

The sudden change in topic made Seokmin stutter in surprise. “I—huh?”

“I kind of knew you’d been taking pictures of me,” Joshua admitted, and Seokmin balked. “But I never said anything, because you were always so quiet, and I kind of found you really handsome, the way you were so focused on taking such beautiful photos of everything. But on that day, I just… I guess I just really wanted you to know that I saw you, and I really… appreciated it? I suppose?”

“Wh—you knew?” Seokmin’s mind was reeling. He thought back to their first encounter, but nothing Joshua did had given away the fact that he’d known. 

Joshua fiddled with his phone, shy. “I think I kind of liked you,” he admitted. “You’re cute. And Jeonghan… he kind of sensed that I liked you, when he met you, so he went overboard to see if you thought that way about me too. But, uh, he kind of rushed it, so I never even managed to get your name, or your number, even though I really wanted to keep in contact with you.”

Seokmin gaped. “You—you what?”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to give me your number,” Joshua said hurriedly, as if that was the most important part about what he said, and not the fact that he thought Seokmin was cute. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, or if you don’t think about me in that way, or—”

“Can I get your number?” Seokmin blurted out, and Joshua paused. “I mean,” he rushed to carry on, “you’re so pretty and so nice and when I first saw you in the park back when I had no idea who you were I still thought that you were the most gorgeous person in existence and now I’ve gotten to know you better and you’re also someone who’s really lovely and kind and of course I would have loved to give you my number but to be honest, I really wanted you to give me yours because wow I think you’re exactly like my ideal type and I kind of really like you. A lot.”

Seokmin took a breath, and then let it out as a sigh. He really needed to stop rambling.

Joshua, to his credit, just smiled wider, as if Seokmin was being incredibly endearing. “It’s a good thing that I think you’re exactly my ideal type and I kind of really like you a lot too,” he said, teasing and fond all at once, looking at Seokmin with stars in his eyes. “I really like you, Seokmin. Even though we’ve met, like, three times in total.”

Seokmin laughed, giddy, as Joshua inputted his details into his phone before handing it back to him, eyes crinkling at the corners. He looked so pretty and it was doing things to Seokmin’s heart and his brain and he found himself saying out loud the first thing that came to his head.

“Can I take you out on a date?” he asked. “I really like you, seriously, and—and I wanna date you.” He blushed, aware of how weird he sounded, but Joshua just laughed and all Seokmin could see were those pure white dove feathers once again.

“You can take me out on all the dates,” Joshua promised, smiling. “Only if I get to have a kiss first, though.”

“A kiss?” Seokmin’s eyes widened. “Like, right now?”

“Yeah,” Joshua said, lips curving upwards and eyes twinkling almost shyly. “If that’s okay?”

“Oh my god,” Seokmin breathed out, eyes wide. “Oh my god, of course that’s okay.”

Joshua’s lips lifted even further as Seokmin carefully set down his camera, turned to him and gently cradled Joshua’s face in his hands. He looked at Joshua one last time, silently asking if this was really okay, and when Joshua’s eyes only crinkled further he grinned, leaning in closer.

As Joshua leaned in to finally close the gap between their lips, Seokmin was aware of the quiet click of a phone camera going off, capturing the gorgeous moment that was their first kiss.

[hatredmadeofgold]

Raiden most definitely has Anti-Social Personality Disorder

— An essay by a fan who also has ASPD

Side note by author: This essay will be updated in the future (a new post will be made). Hello, my name is R and I was diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder when I was 23 years old back in 2018. I also study in the field of psychology and medicine, so I know a thing or two about mental health. In this essay I want to elaborate why I think that Raiden doesn’t just suffer from (complex) PTSD but also Anti-Social Personality Disorder and I base this interpretation on canon evidence, research I did on the mental health of former child soldiers as well as my own experience with the disorder.

In the following text Anti-Social Personality Disorder will be shortened to ASPD.

What is Anti-Social Personality Disorder?

ASPD, also known as Dissocial Personality Disorder/DSPD in the ICD, formerly known under the name Psychopathy or Sociopathy, is a Cluster B (the ‘dramatic’ type) personality disorder known under the ICD-Code F60.2 or the DSM-V Code 301.7.

The reason why I will not call ASPD Socio- or Psychopathy in this essay is that these terms have been obsolete since the introduction of the DSM-IV in 1994, the disorders have been merged into one disorder as well as the fact that the ASPD community widely regards these terms as the equivalent of a slur (If you do not have the disorder yourself, do not, under any circumstances, use these words. There are words such as ‘asshole’ that describe shitty people better than you being downright ableist in your choice of words. Note that the subreddits r/aspd and r/sociopath are overrun by illness fakers and people who refuse to get better, they do not represent people with the disorder really well).

According to the DSM-V, ASPD is described as the following:

“A. A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviours, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest,

2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure,

3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead,

4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults,

5. Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others,

6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behaviour or honour financial obligations,

7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalising having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another.

B. The individual is at least age 18.

C. There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.

D. The occurrence of antisocial behaviour is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.”

What the diagnostic criteria of ASPD does not list is that people with the disorder often times also have low affect, which is indicated by shallow, rather fleeting, inconsistent emotionality as well as a partial or complete lack of affective (emotional) empathy. This is likely caused by chronic emotional dissociation and is irreversible.

People with ASPD are capable of feeling every emotion, but the operative here is can, not will. Often times the emotional experience is reduced to feeling content, bored, apathetic and angry or irritated. Everything else is very much background noise that can be ignored with ease. Also people with ASPD are able to use cognitive (learned) empathy, but often times this is used to manipulate. Some people with ASPD are self-aware, either through diagnosis or life experience. It is possible to have a completely normal life with this disorder and people around the person with ASPD do not notice that they have anything at all, because we are pretty much capable of faking emotions very well thanks to great observational skills. However, this does not apply to every person with ASPD.

ASPD is caused by prolonged abuse, neglect and/or trauma in (early) childhood which likely involved heavy exposure to violence. Poverty is also linked to the likelihood of someone developing it. A genetic link is being researched but has yet to be proven to be able to cause this disorder without any of the aforementioned. The so called ‘warrior gene’ theory is pretty much bullshit, as it is argued that it can only appear in people of European ethnicity. This theory is pretty much racism at its finest and therefore anti-science.

Antisocial Behaviour in former Child Soldiers

“Anti-Social and Disruptive Behaviour

PTSD is also significantly associated with negative behaviour against an individual’s own family, the expression of anger and hostility to others, and self-harm (Burton, Foy, Bwanausi, Johnson, & Moore, 1994; Deykin, 1999; Deykin & Buka, 1997; Dodge, 1993; Dutton e al., 2006; Friedman & Schnurr, 1995; Golding, 1999; Joshi & O’Donnell, 2003; Lewis, 1992; Perry & Pollard, 1998). Research shows that former child soldiers have difficulties in controlling aggressive impulses and have little skills for handling life without violence. These children show on-going aggressiveness within their families and communities, even after relocation to their home villages (Wessels, 2006). In a qualitative study, Magambo and Lett (2004) reported that former child soldiers in northern Uganda mainly applied physical violence to resolve conflicts. Although the children sympathised with victims of violence, they could not even think of non-violent alternatives, reflecting an absence of adequate social skills.

Most former child soldiers have spent several critical years of their development in captivity, under the constant threat of abuse and manipulation by their commanders.

Most probably, this period affects the development of a personal and collective identity (Kanagaratnam, Raundalen, & Asbjornson, 2005). In general, children exposed to war and child soldiering show a strong identification with their own group (Gloeckner, 2007; Jensen & Shaw, 1993), and develop a worldview dominated by political and nationalistic categories (Feshbach, 1994). In the Gloeckner (2007) study, it emerged that the longer children had stayed in abduction, the stronger was their rebel-related collective identity. But it may be that their collective identification might occur post hoc after return to their home communities. Gloeckner explained that questions and discussions of family and community members about the cruelty of the LRA’s actions may activate a process of reasoning about what had happened. Former beliefs about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ actions might clash with current ones, and in order to regain cognitive homeostasis, identification with the rebel group is aspired. Interestingly, this study showed a positive correlation between collective identification and reactive aggression (physical and verbal aggression and anger). In addition, Gloeckner (2007) reported that formerly abducted children with PTSD might be especially vulnerable to accepting simplistic models of ‘good versus bad’ – a black and white worldview, which is a known cognitive distortion. Although a rigid political view might be protective during exposure to war events, it might facilitate violent behaviour after returning from the fighting to individuals’ home communities.

Children living in conditions of political violence and war have been described as ‘growing up too soon’ and ‘losing their childhood’ (Boothby & Knudsen, 2000; UNICEF, 2005, 2006). Levels of conscience seemed to be significantly related to the severity of PTSD symptomatology, but also with negative schematisations of self and others and lower self-efficacy ratings (Goenjian et al., 1999; Joseph, Brewin, Yule, & Williams, 1993; Saigh, Mroueh, Zimmerman, & Fairbanks, 1995).“

- The Psychological Impact of Child Soldiering (by Elisabeth Schauer and Thomas Elbert)

“Behavioral Problems

Former child soldiers exposed to brutal episodes of war-related violence face a range of behavioral problems. In addition, post-conflict factors may contribute to varying degrees of vulnerability to adverse behavioral outcomes. According to Lev Vygotsky the child’s culture and community that he lives in largely affects his development. Vygotsky believed that important learning by the child occurs through social interaction.

For a number of years child soldiers spend time with adult militants under strict rules and regulations. The children were constantly exposed to hostile situations that had negative impact on their psychosocial wellbeing. The children’s thinking pattern and cognitive schemas changed in to more aggressive and violent direction. The children were indoctrinated to perform atrocities without asking questions. They witnessed the gloomy realties of war that made drastic changes in their behavior. The children who had committed atrocities in the past have high risk of developing conduct disorders or anti-social personality disorder and addiction problems if their mental health issues are not appropriately addressed.

In Nepal, Kohrt and his team in 2008 concluded that post-conflict factors such as stigma might contribute to adverse mental health outcomes. Former child soldiers in his sample showed significantly higher symptoms of depression and PTSD compared to matched controls even after adjusting for exposure to traumatic events. In 2010 the researcher Betancourt did a prospective study to investigate psychosocial adjustment in male and female former child soldiers in Sierra Leone using 156 male and female child soldiers. Over the 2-year period of follow-up, youth who had wounded or killed others during the war demonstrated increases in hostility. It has been reported that former child soldiers in Uganda had various behavioral problems and some of them were charged with anti-social activity after their demobilization. Over 70% of prisoners in the juvenile crime unit in the Gulu District, Uganda are former child soldiers, incarcerated on charges of rape, assault and theft.

Social relationships play a key role in child’s behavior as explained by the Psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner. Nested interacting spheres of social relationships that determine individual behavior and well-being are the fundamental components of analysis in social ecology. When these children were abducted and kept in camps, they had no way of having healthy social relationships.”

- Psychosocial Problems Of Child Soldiers (by Professor Daya Somasundaram and Dr. Ruwan M. Jayatunge)

These to excerpts from two different essays on the mental health of former child soldiers speak for themselves. ASPD is also the only personality disorder that is associated with child soldiers.

Although Raiden had been in treatment when sent to the United States, it doesn’t seem that the treatment had been appropriate enough to prevent him from developing ASPD. It’s mentioned in the Metal Gear wiki that he had at least become ‘outwardly stable’, however, we can see from how he behaves in canon that he hasn’t processed any of his trauma whatsoever. To treat PTSD or any personality disorder, appropriate trauma therapy is required. This has obviously not been the case for him, as he’s incredibly mentally unstable and violent. Even the introduction of nanomachines in his body through the Patriots hasn’t prevented any of his behavioural problems although they did successfully suppress his memories of his trauma, as we learn in MGS2.

The way Raiden shows traits of ASPD

Shallow Affect and Lack of Empathy

Albeit Raiden is portrayed as an emotional person, his emotionality often consists of anger and aggressiveness, and he doesn’t seem to be particularly empathetic either.

In fact, his lack of empathy (and how he justifies his actions to himself) is even being called out by Jetstream Sam in the 4th chapter of Metal Gear Rising. He is also shown to have no reactions to allies dying (Emma Emmerich in MGS2 and Naomi Hunter in MGS4) and is just awkwardly standing there like a cardboard cut-out. While Snake doesn’t show or say anything in these scenes either, his stance is not awkward like Raiden’s.

Raiden is also often told to calm down by various characters throughout the franchise when he is reacting to things with anger or aggression to an almost inappropriate level and he never takes it well. Neither is he good with receiving criticism, and will verbally attack the person who criticised him.

Kevin Washington also calls him creepy for how Raiden describes the cyborgs he is killing like ‘walking vending machines’.

It is also said in the script of MGS2 that Raiden in general has trouble understanding other people’s feelings.

Failure to conform to social norms

“Companies like ours — yours — bend the law as they see fit. Why not bend it when it can save innocent lives?” — Raiden to Boris in MGR

The entire game of Metal Gear Rising basically encompasses this whole part of Raiden. He is seen to be breaking the law out of an emotional urge (which Blade Wolf comments on as well after the awakening of Jack the Ripper) because seeing the children in the lab in Guadalajara being turned into cyborgs against their will triggered him. We learn that he doesn’t act like this because he is some kind of hero protecting the weak (as he is always trying to tell everyone including the player for the first half of the game), he does this out of selfish reasons — to have a reason to kill. His morality is quite grey. Sure, he is on the side of the ‘good guys’ — but his methods are cruel, the style of an anti-hero.

“Not that much of a hero after all, right?” — Raiden to Blade Wolf after killing Monsoon

He shifts his morality as he sees fit — same as the companies he is criticising. Armstrong points out their “kindred spirits” as he is dying at the end of the game as well and we as a player understand that our enemy is right. To achieve our goals, we went overboard with everything and justified our violence — Raiden’s violence — with doing the ‘right’ thing.

Manipulation and Deceitfulness

“So it was artificial on my end too. It was just a game, not the real thing.”

Raiden says this to Rose after she confesses to him that she is a Patriot spy and it almost feels like a confession. The way he says it is very callous, unlike how he talked to her before (and he reverts back to his ‘usual’ self later on anyway), it feels like a ‘mask slip’ where he says what he truly feels. I think about this scene a lot and it makes me believe that Raiden did not truly love Rose until he actually lost her (MGS4). Basically ‘not recognising what you had until you lose it’. People with ASPD often get into relationships to get something out of it – be that getting rid of boredom, money or sex – and they go very far when it comes to faking emotions such as love. It is often said that we cannot love, but this isn’t true. Love to us is more of a conscious choice of committing to someone rather than an emotion and can be very mature when it’s honest. We are also very obsessive lovers, which can turn very toxic very fast if not self-aware and controlled.

Impulsivity and the failure to plan ahead

Stabbing himself to impale Vamp without thinking through that he is going to bleed out, quitting his job at Maverick without thinking through how he is going to pay his bills in the future and the entire ordeal that is the World Marshal incident are what I can list on top of my head where Raiden acts very impulsively.

Aggressiveness, Abusive and Violent Behaviour

In MGS2, Rose mentions that Raiden ‘raised his hand against her’ when she tried to enter his room. This translates to more than just a slap in the face (and even that is horrible behaviour when you are in a relationship) if we look further into Raiden’s behaviour across all the games in which he appears. In the same game we learn that Raiden genuinely enjoys murder. He asks Snake about it, horrified about himself, if he does the same which Snake denies.

In MGS4, Rose talks to Snake about Raiden and why they aren’t together anymore. She speaks about how he became a violent alcoholic (Substance Use Disorder is highly common in people with ASPD) as he was unable to cope with his traumatic memories resurfacing. She implies that he got into regular fights as well, saying so by mentioning that he came home covered in cuts and bruises. We don’t know for sure, but it is likely that Raiden also hit Rose as well but she doesn’t outright say it. She just states that she is scared of him.

“I am worried about him, of course, but… I am also afraid of him.” — Rose about Raiden in MGS4 If you look closely at the scene in which Snake mentions Raiden’s family in MGS4, you get a quick glimpse of Raiden trying to hit Snake — only to break down and fall to his knees, crying. His willingness to physically assault people who are close to him is another one of these signs that speak for ASPD in him.

“Resolving everything with violence, is that it, Raiden?” — Sam to Raiden in MGR

“Feasting on the insides of your enemies?” — Monsoon to Raiden in MGR

Both Sam and Monsoon call out Raiden for his violence in MGR and how he justifies his actions with ‘protecting the weak’ which we learn in the same chapter, is a load of bullshit. Raiden confesses that he fights for the pain he feels — or likely, the adrenaline rushes one gets from it — when being hurt in a fight, that protecting the weak was a lie he told himself to ‘keep himself in check’ and that he thought that he could live a normal life, with his friends and family having his back. However, this didn’t work out and he found himself back on the battlefield and we finally learn why and the reasons are just as shallow as the rest of him.

Reckless disregard of the safety of self or others

Raiden’s recklessness in MGS4 could also be read as suicidal ideation, which is also something a lot but not all people with ASPD experience. Impaling himself and cutting off his own limbs are things I would consider ‘reckless disregard for the safety of self’ as he does this without thinking things through. In his fight with Vamp he definitely didn’t want to die in the end, so I suspect this to be him not thinking things through (which he does a lot, acting on impulses). The same goes for his wish to walk through the microwaves instead of Snake (and god I wish he would’ve gone instead of Snake), which Snake points out is suicidal and that he has a whole life to live still.

In MGR, Raiden decides to eradicate World Marshal, the largest PMC in the universe at the time of the game, entirely by himself. He raids its Headquarters with total disregard for his own safety or that of others, as he is just ‘lucky’ that the parts of Denver he is getting through, are blocked off from the public. Raiden doesn’t harm civilians — but he doesn’t particularly care if they die either. We know he’s lying to himself about being the good guy. Although his team is unofficially supporting him, he has no backup in case something happens.

Consistent Irresponsibility

Raiden is shown to be consistently irresponsible. He doesn’t hold himself accountable for his actions by lying to himself about his morality and basically gaslighting himself and others about his behaviour. He doesn’t listen to work instructions — Kevin calling him out in the first chapter of MGR for it — and therefore fails missions. He is also shown to constantly argue with the colonel in MGS2, always trying to get out of the situation he is being put into and not taking responsibility.

Lack of Remorse

In MGS2 we learn that Raiden enjoys murder without feeling any particular hard feelings about it. He is terrified about the realisation but doesn’t feel any particular feelings of guilt for it. Neither does he ever mention that he regrets having physically or emotionally harmed Rose in any of the games he appears in (Rose has issues too — they both definitely act like nothing bad ever happened between them at the end of MGS4 and I wish them both a nice stay in the psych ward).

Raiden’s justification to kill in MGR is to ‘protect the weak’ which later turns out to be a complete lie he tells himself and others to seem like the good guy. He’s very much gaslighting himself into believing this throughout the game until Sam and Monsoon confront him about his behaviour and hypocrisy and Raiden drops the mask and reveals his true intentions: that he fights to feel pain in battle, because he gets high on it and that he very much enjoys murder.

“Who protects the weak from the man who ‘protects the weak’?” — Monsoon to Raiden in MGR

In MGR you can also cut off the clothes of civilians you saved. If you do so, your teammates call you out for it. Raiden then does half assed apologies for it, even laughs when being called a nasty creep. He genuinely finds it funny to apparently terrify innocent civilians and doesn’t show any remorse when being called out for it.

Summary

Looking back, Raiden does show many traits of a person with Anti-Social Personality Disorder throughout all the games in which he appears. Although MGR is a lot more “in-your-face” with it, the mainline games show him having those traits very much as well (to be diagnosed one must meet 3 out of 7 listed criteria points, so even if you regard MGR as non-canon, he would still meet the criteria from what we learn from the mainline games). The fact that a lot of former child soldiers struggle with this disorder as adults adds to my theory that he has it. I often see people argue that MGR was not the direction that they would like to see Raiden go and that he is too ‘brutal’. In my opinion, MGR was the more realistic ending for him. I have ASPD and I know that white picket fence home lives just don’t work for people like us. We grow so bored, we start to fuck up shit for ‘fun’ and ruin our lives that way or get addicted to drugs. Raiden choosing the battlefield, finally accepting who he really is (‘Jack the Ripper’), is the more realistic and healthier ending for him than him just lying to himself and being on edge all the time, potentially ruining his marriage that way in the span of a year or two. Love cannot heal extreme childhood trauma, sorry guys. And Raiden seriously needs therapy.

[nostabaile]

STEREOSCOPIC ILLUSIONS

instead of doing anything productive ive been experimenting with creating 3D illusions.

To see the video as 3D unfocus your eyes until the two images become 3, and with some effort try to focus on the middle image.

some people have found success by holding the phone close to their eyes and pulling it away slowly until you find the point at which creating the illusion is easiest.

this illusion works similarly to magic eye pictures; so apply similar techniques.

The illusion is created by varying the distance of features between the two images to mimic the two perspectives of our vision. So for instance if we take my model turn around and delay it slightly; the right eye will see points on the model the left eye is not yet seeing as it rotates. The brain subconsciously interprets the slight difference as spatial information.

Fun home project for you:

take 2 pictures of your subject, the first from a perspective rotated to the left from the axis of the subject, the second from the equal opposite right. If you have an iPhone and the images are in the same line in your camera roll you can see the illusion in action.

It might work similarly on other devices, otherwise you can edit them together (side by side) on an app like canva or in photoshop.

the difference between the perspective only needs to be very slight (you should barely be able to tell the difference).

You can also do this in photoshop by varying the distance between various features.

Farther apart = closer to the viewer

Closer together = towards the horizon.

Im trying to find applications for this in my art and ways to reproduce the effect in a way that can work on a larger scene. Perhaps using chromatic aberration.

This is of course an old trick- however my recent obsession with it came after i got really high and stared at an old pattern of mine and noticed that the repeating pattern aligned to create the illusion of depth.

my boyfriend is extremely tired of hearing about this.

[whumpitisthen]

Hi, maybe this is a strange request, and I don't know if you take writing requests, but could you write about a whumpee having victory over the whumper. Maybe the whumper already broke them, but then the human instinct to survive takes over. They don't even notice the pain, they just need to escape. They tried to escape, and it looks like they will get caught. It looks like a game, but they make it anyway. They make the impossible possible. I feel kinda hopeless right now and i need some victory

Sure I take requests! Not many people send me any, but even if I don't have the energy to write a whole thing for them, I'm happy to just talk about some prompts too!

And I'm sorry life has been a bitch to you, I hope this can help you feel a bit better. I tried my best not to be a horrible person, but you decide if ive succeeded at that. Good endings aren't really my thing, but technically this is like the happiest ending I've ever written. I'm more of a 'whumpee can have one (1) serotonin and even then only bc whumper felt like it' kinda creature but i hope this will suffice.

[Tiny little (eye) gore and death tw] just to be safe though i feel if you ask me to write something you must expect me to bring forth the horrors

Under the steadily darkening sky, below naked black barked woods, a pair of unsteady, similarly naked feet stomp through the fresh snow. A thin body rushes along a dangerous terrain; sharp rocks and jutting edges hidden under a sheet of white, concealing them from the wide pair of eyes searching for them. In the eerie quiet enhanced by the soft padding of glittering snow, their wheezing panting gets lost between the trees like a whisper in a storm.

Their pale form would give camouflage, if it wasn’t for the streaks of red crossing their skin in seemingly random patterns. Their shivering, weak legs near to giving out, but just before they could collapse in the frigid air, the howls booming from behind them give them renewed energy in similar fashion to how a noose would motivate a dying man. Tears are freezing along their skin, burning them like the fresh scarlet upon their back.

They don’t look back, because they are afraid of catching a glimpse of Death itself coming after them with its cry of hounds and shackles to drag him back to Hell with. Air escapes them in puffs of mist, getting colder and colder the longer they spend fleeing from their inevitable fate. Even now, halfway to their destination, their mind only supplies them with the memorized truths carved into them on repeat; a list of rules they were taught to follow to stay safe and avoid punishment.

A steep hill comes along the way, blocking their path. They climb it less than gracefully halfway collapsed on the ground. Their consciousness almost leaves them when they slip up and tumble down again, but their desperation to get away fuels a fire inside them they just cannot ignore. Upon reaching the top, looking over the edge, they can see lights in the distance. Past the trees, past the unforgiving terrain is a town, with people, and service, and houses. Their destination. Once they get there, they will be safe. They will find someone to protect them, help them, let them explain and escape. They are so close, but their body is already pushed far past its limit, running on not much other than spite.

Despite all their senses burning in the cold, they smile; a hopeless, anguished grin. Just a little more, just a bit farther. They are loosing feeling in their toes and fingers, but they are almost there.

Descending the hill, they land on their knees at the bottom; a shivering, weak, sickly heap of half-spoiled flesh. They barely gain enough willpower to stand once more, only able to stumble along from the dogs surely close behind. Yet still, after all of this, they can’t turn back. Their own brain repeating back their captor’s words at them, constantly telling them that if they turn back now, they might be forgiven, are ignored. The pounding in their ears is ignored. The numbness spreading all throughout their body is ignored. All they can see is those lights getting brighter and brighter, safety coming closer and closer.

A crack in one of their legs brings them to their knees again, suddenly giving up on them. It’s the one that always aches, that makes all those sounds that made them nervous all the time. It can’t give up right now, it can’t, it just can’t!

They bring in every last bit of energy they can to stand, but it’s useless. They can’t walk any longer. Doesn’t mean they can’t crawl any more though.

Starved and abused, down on their hands and knees, they crawl. They keep going for a reason they might not even understand anymore. Their mind becomes blank, their eyes glaze over, and they keep going. Nothing matters — not the incessant wind cutting their face, not the sweat freezing to their skin, not the aching body, not the aching soul, not the maniac hunting them with a pack of wolves. None of it matters. They need to get away. And so, with trembling limbs and blue lips, they crawl.

They don’t notice they have made it out of the forest until they are there. They see a road leading to the little town dressed in christmas lights, a field of ice and snow, a night sky looking down at them and filling them with determination —

And their captor, standing right in-between them and their freedom.

No. No, this, this can’t be it! Not like this, they can’t lose like this!

“You’re very annoying, you know that?” — they ask, not an ounce of annoyance in their voice.

“Shucks,” — they grunt out, a whisper rattling in their throat making them wince. They don’t have the energy to show any emotion besides a muted unease, though they would’ve loved to play up their fluster. Their pursuer nevertheless appreciates their effort it seems, their grin widening. Of course they do; they’re always one to play games. Under the grime and exhaustion, their core shivers in fear.

“And you still find it in yourself to joke around,” — they mutter, a good-natured chuckle accompanying the malicious sparkle in their eyes, — “impressive. And here I thought I was going to receive a frozen corpse out of a dog’s mouth.”

“S-S-Sorry t-” — A violent rush of hacking coughs. — “To disappo-o-oint.”

More laughter. Somehow it’s equal parts gleeful and mocking.

“Just like a cockroach. Impossible to kill, yet nothing but pest.” — Amusement is clear in their tone.

“Fuh-Funny,” — they pant, their trembling legs giving out and laying them down in the snow, — “was g-go-ohna say the same th-thing.”

For a long moment, nothing but the wheezing of the wind was heard, imitating the breaths of their own, scratching up their throat like the wind does crashing into their eardrums. Adrenaline is leaving them quickly through the cold, their arms now barely able to hold their face away from the snow. They wouldn't dare look into their captor's eyes if they had the energy, through the blur that has become their vision as of late. Their brain is telling them to break down right then and there, to start sobbing and begging for mercy, to try to look pathetic enough to be forgiven. They don't really have the energy.

"So, what's the plan?" — their tormentor finally asks, a conversational tone not betraying their true intentions or mood, — "shall we wait to see how many more fingers you will lose to frostbite or are you going to come here and repent?"

They don't know which choice would be stupider. Their mind longs for the safety in familiarity, their heart longs for the safety of getting the hell away from here. Both decisions would require their body to work. Crimson is seeping languidly into the white underneath them.

Desperation shows again, their voice breaking for the first time;

"Please, just l-l-let me go,"

but that was not part of the game. No choice was made.

"Come on now, sweetheart, you know that doesn't work on me. You've had your chance, and you've thrown it away." — Their expression changes to one of faux sympathy. Their head tilts. Their voice melts. — "Come here, sweet thing. It's cold. I don't like watching you shiver like that."

An utter, unbelievable, bold faced lie. They can't even hide their amusement as they say this. Their eyes are flitting all over their destroyed body with interest akin to a cat figuring out where to begin with it's twitching prey, catching on each cut and bruise, fresh or old.

"Let me warm you up."

...Yet, they believe them. In their weakened state, those honey sweet, poisonous words cut straight through the frigid air into their heart, warming them from the inside. Their need for the current torture to stop far outweigh anything else that could be going through their head. A plan to make it better. A clever insult to make it worse. Logic. They are hungry and cold and tired and scared. They hurt.

So they struggle to their hands and knees once more, stumbling forward at a snail's pace, trembling wildly and sniffling. Their composure seems to break down with each push on their body, each freezing breath, and halfway to their owner, they are openly sobbing. They continue on the same path they were taking all this while, nearing the same safe haven they have been dreaming of reaching for months now, only now they know they will never truly reach it. They will always have an uncrossable obstacle in the way, a person who will never let them pass along; never alive.

Finally, they drag themself in front of their captor, giving out. They are caught before they could land in the ice again, hugged close by the very person they have been running from through a snowstorm and a forest, half naked and bleeding. In the end, they are right back where they started. They can't tell if they are laughing or crying anymore.

Amidst the condescending shushes of the other, their eyes grow cold suddenly. Their hand curls around something under the snow.

"You did well, love. You almost did it. But in the end, you will always come right back to me, won't you?"

They feel a jagged edge with their fingertips, something large, something hard.

"The rest of my puppies will be here soon too, I'm sure. I would wait for them, but I'm certain if we spend too long here, you will never be able to walk again. The dogs will find us either way."

They must think their body finally gave out, collapsing against them with weak breaths. They must think this is it.

"And your punishment for losing again still has to be administered. I already have a couple ideas on what it will be. If you can stay awake 'till we get back, I'll let you choose. Doesn't that sound fun?"

Their quaking form is pulled up, leaning against a warm chest. Their hand holds their key out of this hell. They are gripping it so hard it cut into their palm.

"Ready to return home, sweetness?"

There.

In the perfect moment, a swift, unforseen strike aimed right at their left eye.

They do not react when blood sprays out of the ruined orb, they do not react when their tormentor shrieks like a banshee, they just tear the arms wildly tearing at theirs away and aim another swing at the other eye. They both fall to the ground, and with almost inhuman determination and a wild look in their eyes, they climb on top of their screaming captor — the most horrible, disgusting, hellish, irredeemable, psychopathic bastard they have ever had the misfortune of meeting; who will likely never leave their mind again from all the horrifying torture they have put them through, — and smash the rock into their eyes again, and again, and again, yelling like a wild animal at them as they mercilessly ruin them like they were ruined by them.

They do not stop until their hand gives out, until they are sure they will never move again, until their breath runs out. Wheezing, red, blue, and all colours in-between, starved, weak, ruined, but alive. Alive and kicking. Sitting on the corpse of their abuser like it's a throne, out at the edge of the snowy forest, looking out at the view of colourful lights in the distance. They feel emotionally numb, but so alive, more alive than they have felt since before they were taken. They have done it, they really have done it, finally, after so much pain and planning — they are free.

They will take a few minutes before they set off on the rest of their journey to the little town.

They will slip the coat off of the corpse and take it as their own; a trophy, like what they were collecting. Before they died. A deserved, gruesome death.

They will put it on and stumble all the way across the field, leaving the dogs to find the body. The hounds will be fine; they weren't very happy with their owner either.

They will reach a street, with people, with cars, with service. They will be saved by a passerby, or they will ask for a phone and call their family, tell them they are still alive. They will survive, while the corpse will rot away, covered by snow. Maybe eaten by the dogs, or wildlife. They will make it.

But for now, they will lie down for a couple minutes. They will rest, for just a little bit, next to this still warm body, and endure just a little bit longer. Just until their heart slows enough to breathe, just until their muscles stop burning so harshly. They will survive.

They put their head on the chest and control their breathing, taking deliberate sighing breaths in the storm. They still tremble, and their limbs are so numb they don't know if they will be able to walk, but they just laugh. Because it's funny, isn't it? That's exactly what they said would happen.

The storm calms. The wind slows and the snow disappears, and they sigh a chuckle. They should be thankful, but doesn't mother nature know? She doesn't have to make it any easier. They will survive.

They have been through so much worse.

<3

Masterlist | Ko-Fi

[blood-injections]

hiii!! first of all, i think your background image (right word?)is super dope and also, for the ask game, 7, 20 and 55 if you don't mind!!

Hii!!! Background image/header yeah, thank youu its some of my art :) and thanks for the ask too <3

7. How do you choose which POV to write from?

I only ever write in third person, so theres no specific pov a lot of the time except for when the thoughts/feelings of like only one character are stated or like I'll put them first in paragraphs if that makes sense? So they're like the focus. Anyway in that case which is usually the case which i guess. Is pov. I think i just described pov. Idk when i think of pov i think of writing of a charater from first person which i never do. Anyway in those cases . Whats it called. Not third person omniscient which i guess would be knowing the inner thoughts of all the characters. Hang on let me google it. Oh third person subjective/limited thats it. Sorry i haven't been in an english class in a while lmao. ANYWAY the pov is generally whichever character I'm projecting onto most for that story 💀 which lately has been a lot of kobra kid and fun ghoul because they're my favorite little voodoo puppets to put through hell

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc

Oh for sure, especially right now because i dont have wifi where I'm living so i cant look up synonyms for stuff or alternate phrases like I'm used to when i feel somethings repeating too much, so some of the patterns i usually try to cut out might be more prevalent in the next few things i post if i dont bother going through them in a cafe somewhere lol. Lots of things are on purpose though like uhh themes angst specifically, someone dying or being presumed dead or getting captured or leaving and being found or coming back etc. Tearful reunions in 90% of my stuff. Theres like fifteen of those in my drafts rn ranging from one shots to like 20+ chapter things ive yet to start posting. they're just so fun to write, sue me.

55. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers' reactions to certain ones?

Kobra Kid and Fun Ghoul are my favorites to write for sure, at least rn, closely followed followed by the girl and Cherri then not as closely followed by Pony then Poison I'd say. I wouldn't say these favorites have been swayed by anyones reactions, theyre just who i relate the most to/project on the most and find easiest/most fun to write. These'll swap around sometimes i guess too depending on who im hyperfixating the most on, like rn show pony might be higher actually bc of something i just started, and a couple weeks ago Korse was up there bc i was experimenting with their character

[mastrandre]

You drive to my place excited, anxious and your heart racing , stopping in front of my place,text me youre downstairs. i leave my place as you await by passenger side door keys in hand, as i get to you i start kissing you passionately,acutely aware you are completely soaked by now, i grab your keys and i open door for you. I help you sit down i buckle you up since youre so shaky. Walking around to drivers side i see the towels and all your toys on back seat as instructed, and proceed to sit in the drivers seat.

As soon as i sit i repeat the cum word 5 times then i start the car driving to our first stop. We go to a Tim Horton's grabbing us some coffees and i drive us to the parking lot of the nearest Walmart and choose a location far from entrance and then reach over to backseat grabbing a towel telling you to put it underneath you, then inserting a finger into your pussy...

I tell you to spread a bit wider and start rubbing you gspot until you fill my hand with your juices, bring it to my mouth to taste you finally, visibly hard cock within my pants, me commando underneath, the fabric is rubbing against my shaft and head the friction is nearly more than i can bear, i open the door and intruct you to head to back seat lay down legs towards me. You're visibly flustered mind racing in anticipation, but doing exactly as you were told and clearing the stuff from seat into space on the floor...

I open back door get only one knee in grab your ankles, as you let out a small yelp and plant them spread on ceiling of car then i reach further in and grab the panties and pull em as far as theyll go down your legs and with driver side fully open i start eating you out until im content ive tasted you sufficiently.

After im done i instruct you to go back to your seat and buckle up without readjusting yourself, a look of nervousness mixed in with delighted humiliation flashes across your face. I close my door hand you a coffee and we both drink it quickly as we both are beyond squirmy and desiring what comes next.

As i drink my coffee im intoxicated by your scent and can taste you with every sip i take making me throb alot, almost as if my cock was trying to poke a hole right through my pants, you notice this and start squirting uncontrollably biting your lower lip not to scream. We both down our coffees as if we had been in a desert for days, your eyes pleading to be allowed to finally feel that cock. I grab your left hand and bring it over to my crotch instructing you to only feel it through the pants, visible disappointment on your face. "Don't worry youll see and taste it soon enough Bubbles" After youve started doing this im going insane i want you so bad but at same time i prevent myself from giving in. Start the car and drive to our destination. At first stop i tell you to pull out your lush 2 and hand me your phone with app turned on.

I grab the phone and position it on my seat between my legs and take the lush and tell you to apply the cinnamon oil that i brought for you on its entire surface. You do so not knowing what to expect, swallowing hard. I take the slicked up lush and push it into your pussy roughly fingering your clit as i do so.

After ive made sure to turn the lush on, i return my hand to your app and start programming a pattern quickly that makes you go into convulsive orgasms and i snap your focus back to fondling my cock and balls with a slap to your breasts. You hand feels good but i need more now and quickly measure time to the next rest area on our route. So i instruct you to put your hand inside my pants but spread your legs and tell you to keep em that way till we stop and now start to finger your clit into a frenzy stopping at times to squeeze it nice and hard. Every pinch accompanied with your lips parting as if to scream but only showing tongue lingering at your lower lip deep moans escaping in a continuous stream of unbridled pleasure and pain. We get near to rest area and i have to let go, but i taste your wonderful juices yet again.

After parking where there is trees and shade i tell you to stop and wait, visibly not happy about stopping you hear " Now its your turn to taste, you slutty fucktoy whore" you start salivating at this command in anticipation,  backing my seat up to its rear most position and dropping the backrest all the way to give you room i make the gesture to unbuckle and then pull the dress down so i can see your breasts in that hot red lingerie top.

Unbuckling and then twisting sideways because of the panties being somewhat restrictive, i tell you to take them off and keep em on the seat. Your eyes pleading to begin i nod yes you've been anticipating this moment for so long, your hands tremble, pussy still being frenzied by the toy inserted, finally able to get belt undone and pants opened up releasing my thick member. You get flushed, licking your lips and start to give me oral care using everything youve learned pleases me most and some from your own experiences. After 20 mins or so i push your face down by your hair so im in your throat and shoot stream after stream of hot sperm right into you making deep,near animalistic groans as this is happening.

As you sit back up being released from my grip i notice the self satisfied grin, the ruined mascara but mostly the quieted mind appearance of subspace, very self evident on your face. " turn around and present your ass fucktoy, Master's not done yet, take your soaked panties and put em fully into your mouth as a gag." reaching into my bag i pull out a day plug and instruct you to hold your ass cheeks spread, rubbing it against your pussy to get it lubbed up by that cumsoaked slit, inserting it slowly until only the guard is left visible.

I point at your seat for you to return to your original position. Cheecks on fire from your elevated blood pressure, endorphins flushing your entire body, you are in a haze of pleasure and pain.

Before readjusting myself i stretch my arm out into your bag and pull out your wand and 2 of the towels you had on the seat earlier. " Raise that sexy ass and put these to cover the seat under you" as i hand them over you notice the wand and become even more flushed and you're almost begging me with your big blue beautiful eyes not to, body betraying you by squirting almost instantly.That makes me laugh and as soon as youve placed the towels i nestle the wand right up against the rearmost point of your pussy, as the vibrations grow in intensity between the lush and the wand, i start the car and drive up to the Tim Horton's drive through and order us cofffees. Flustered beyond belief your wet panties hidden in your mouth and both vibes working you over sitting on towels anyone at any moment we're stopped can catch you amidst a flurry of orgasms. Coffees are brought and i hand over yours but shifting over to grab sends you over the edge and a loud moan escapes you, making the male cashier grin slyly as he hands me mine.

We drive off, and it takes another tortuous 45 minutes to get to the rented cabin by the lake in Val David. 45 minutes of non stop over the top orgasms your face flushed short of breath and eyes barely able to focus arriving there. Coffees a mere memory by now, towels completely drenched in your cum and your legs almost unable to support your own mass. I get out first and walk over to your door, opening it and admiring your stare and just how so very sexy you are. "Dont move Bubbles" said in my Dom voice, you  can barely even nod by now, making me grin. I grab the wand, turn it off and proceed to remove the lush from your cum soaked pussy, you orgasm as its nearly out and that just expels it right onto the towels glistening in the mid morning sunlight from your juices and finally i pull out the panties from your mouth, handing them to you. Reaching for your hair i pull your face near my crotch, have you pull out my cock and start facefucking you right then and there, still buckled in your car seat, those big sexy lips feeling glorious on my shaft, the choking noises as i hit your throat, the running mascara from you tearing up, all things making me take your mouth in a more manic way. After a long while, groaning hard i empty another load into that pretty little mouth of yours and you smile radiantly.I unbuckle you, take your hand to help you out of the car, then as soon as your balance is back i wrap my arms around you in a loving embrace, our tongues dancing together in a hedonistic deep passionate rythm.

Closing the car door afterwards. I have you stand there in waiting position as i carry our stuff inside the beautiful 2 story, 3700 square foot cabin.

I come back out, heading for you with a very voracious grin, bend down and grab your upper legs tossing you over my shoulder and bring you back inside while you twitch and let out half-serious protests to have me put you down, which i don't pay attention to until we're both inside, i put you down face flushed from being upside down and close the door. As soon as the door closes "Inspection, Bubbles" and you immidiatly assume the position panty still in your hand. This time i pace around you feeling every inch with my hands and devouring ýou with my eyes.

I take the panty and toss it onto the chair nearby then i grab your top and pull it off to go join the panty, kissing every inch of skin as it becomes exposed and that gorgeous red bra. Removing it and kissing even more as you cant stop squirming and panting, then i remove the last piece the dress... i grab you by the hair and kiss you deeply while my other hand explores your body making you squeal and moan even more. "Your turn to undress me Bubbles" i say with that grinning smile hinted to as well within my voice's tone.As you undress me youre doing it exactly as i did for you with 1 exception you decided to go full out and not only kiss my ass cheeks but rimm me to my pleasure and surprise " well done slut" once at the front you go to suck me off but i tell you to french my balls first. Your absolute lust and devotion clearly visible in your whole body as you lunge for my balls as if the most divine meal youve ever seen was in their place. Your mouth ravenously and passionately gobbles up my sack and your tongue starts driving me wild as it lovingly tongue lashes my balls. I grab the back of your head and keep you there for a long time to the point you have trouble breathing but you only look up to me with love and devotion, not panic. ●More soon as this is a work in progress●

[transgender-er]

Gonna give y'all the outline of the dream I had last night before I forget it

While staying with her, a kid rediscovers a locked room in their aunt's house that she says belonged to their cousin. She doesn't remember why the room was locked away, so she just ignores it whenever she passes by the door.

The cousin hasn't lived ived with her for nearly 25 years, but somehow there's a still-functional, still-on TV in the room, with several various old gaming consoles hooked up to it.

The room is connected to another, smaller room where the aunt says that the cousin used to keep what she calls a "zoo" of animals

The smaller room is full of smashed cages. When the protagonist looks in, they notice a dog lickiny something wet on the ground. A small horde of kittens, two adult cats, the adult dog, and a puppy appear from the mess and follow them out into the larger room.

They have no idea how the animals are in the room alive, but they are.

While looking at the games and the consoles, the aunt comments that she doesn't remember buying some of the games for the son.

This is brushed off as him having bought the games himself.

The protagonist is delighted with the room and asks the aunt if they can invite some friends over to play some of the games with.

She says yes, and leaves the room to go watch some old sitcoms, clearly bored with the room. The kid decides to try one of the games that the aunt didn't recognize, eventually choosing an old platformer.

They insert the game into one of the consoles, and after passing the start screen, choosing a character, and choosing a level, they're tucked into the game. We see them fail at the level a couple of times, but the respawn after dying. After they beat the level, they exit the game and are returned to their body.

The kid is absolutely delighted , and they're way more excited to show the friends than they were before.

The animals from the room are very affectionate toward the kid after they beat the game.

We get to the game night, and while flipping through games in a case, one of them finds a game labeled "DON'T PLAY" in red sharpie.

Being dumb kids, the group decide to play the game anyways. They make it through a couple levels before they're sucked into the game. The first level woth them as a part of it seems to be a maze set in a sewer. This one goes by without a hitch, and the level repeats a few times.

The next level, they're deposited in a void, with a set of stairs leading down below them. The stairs light up as a short song snippet plays. One of the friends tries to just descend the stairs normally, but he is killed and respawns.

The rest of them deduce that it has to be a puzzle where they have to recreate the pattern the stairs lit up in. They make it to the end if the staircase and are faced with a hallway where the same thing happens, then another staircase, another hallway, a staircase, a hallway, etc. (In a montage of successes and failures)

After completing this level, they barely get a glimpse of the next before they're suddenly kicked back into their own bodies by the game being removed from the console, seemingly by nobody.

The next level was an otherworldly, red wasteland, covered in fungus and rot.

The game night ends with promises to meet up again the next week.

Strage things start to happen after the game was played, however. Some of the kittens go missing, and one of the mother cats falls ill. Then, the kid finds a small patch of red fungus in the corner behind the dresser the TV was sat on top of.

One day, as the kid opens the door to the room, they find a red vine covering part of the doorway. The room beyond is a dump, like it had been ransacked. Whole trying to clean up the mess, the kid finds the missing kittens, but they've been fused together into something grotesque. As they watch, the sick mother cat joins them in the gooey lump that was her children. Then, the dog joins.

In a panic, the kid tries to save the rest of the kittens and the puppy from this horrifying fate by carrying them out of the room and bolting the door behind them as the third adult animals grafts itself to the rest.

There's writing on the door now, in the same red sharpie as the game: "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PLAYED"

and then I woke up.

[cosmicyeen]

Entire twisty dragon completed (at least the lines, dunno if there's any color scheme that could potentially be adequate for a drawing that keeps defying colors every time i look at it

I started this on jan 12th ish, worked on it most days like an hourish but up to like 5 hours some days. Lots of refinement and details and everything. Powered forward using the power of corvus corax's music as well as music shared by friends

this sorta dragon is something ive drawn a lot of iterations of in the past but this is by far the most cohesive and complex as well as just condensing the most time and detail i could and just, , it's fascinating to see it because in a lot of ways it's like i'm Finally seeing the dragon i've been drawing shadows of for years

Here's some closeups:

there's a lot of threads that i've sort of tied together here; the eyes especially are something i'm glad i focused on as i'll often do these strange mupils and rings of scales around them. The scale ring almost seems to rotate out of the corner of my eye and a lot of the other detailed bits tend to buzz or swirl as well, likely a phenomena like pattern glare.

the antlers are also interesting, since when i did the paper sketch I noticed i had inadvertently made a sketchy shape that reminds me of a specific high pitched sound in a lot of corvus corax songs, especially in bärentanz

i also just love repeating patterns and overlapping twists and turns and figuring out how to keep an asymmetrical drawing balanced visually

here's a similar dragon i made as a part of my AP art portfolio back in high school, as well as a hyena and bird i did with the same theme of an intense, almost garish display with eye contact and baring fangs

More buzziness for the eyes, more eyes to demand attention, more attention split when you try to see the subject yet the subject drags your gaze

I forget when i did this one specifically, it was a while back. Definitely closer to the subject of this post I've recently completed. Still a simplification that can't fully display itself through this one drawing. there are also earlier and earlier examples of this idea breaking itself through art and sketches. So this is an intense accumulation of it all.

SO BASCIALLY i like this dragon. the seeds of the idea definitely stem from east asian dragons, as well as wyrms in general and the dragon from beowulf. Shoutout to anger and eye contact and staring into the face of fear and awe and finding it is a crystallization of life itself and all the joys and sorrows.

[anya-chalotra]

uh hi. it's me again. I'm really sorry to bother you but how are able to make your gifs so clean and clear? ive been a gif creator for years and now recently ive been having a lot of trouble with pixels.

Never a bother! I’m always happy to help when and where I can.

I briefly touched on all of this in my FAQ but I really, truly do live by these steps when I gif, so I feel it bears repeating here as well, and with a little more detail.

Always, always work with HD footage. 4K (2160p) isn’t necessary, but I would say that 1080p definitely is. I think you can get away with giffing 720p if you absolutely need to, but the bigger your gif, the more necessary it becomes to work with footage that’s both high quality and high definition. Screen recording is fine—it’s something I used to do myself, though I’ve since stepped away from it—but you get the very most out of any given footage by clipping videos directly from a download or through screencapping.

Be sure to size your gifs correctly. It’s not as noticeable on mobile/the app, maybe, but on desktop under-sizing or over-sizing will take away from the quality of the gif. Your gifs might look blurry, pixelated, extra grainy, or even a combination of those things. For reference, here are the official sizes for photosets:

Sharpening is key. I’d even go a step farther and call it more important than sizing; sizing alone doesn’t get you very far in the “crisp and clear” department, though I’d caution that there is such a thing as oversharpening. Personally, I prefer to add Gaussian Blur to soften things up, but below are all the different methods of sharpening.

(You can find my sharpening settings and process here.)

Use the best possible Save for Web settings. I mean “best” in the most general sense of settings that are optimal, but also best suited for you and your gifs specifically. Like most other things, some of it comes down to personal preference: selective vs adaptive, pattern vs diffusion, which to pair together.

Where Pattern places pixels in a grid, Diffusion results in an effect that’s more randomized. And as per the Adobe site:

[Selective] creates a color table that favors broad areas of color and the preservation of web colors. This color table usually produces images with the greatest color integrity.

[Adaptive] creates a custom color table by sampling colors from the spectrum appearing most commonly in the image. For example, an image with only shades of green and blue produces a color table made primarily of greens and blues. Most images concentrate colors in particular areas of the spectrum.

Examples of each different setting under the cut.

The differences between Selective and Adaptive can range from minor to major, so while the differences here are, admittedly, pretty tame, that won’t always be the case. Because of how colors are processed, it’s something you’ll find to be dependent on a particular scene/gif. How light or dark it is, how many colors there are, how many shades of those colors exist within the gif, et cetera.

I myself favor Adaptive + Pattern, but will go back to Selective + Pattern if a gif calls for it—sticking with Pattern because I feel it produces the “cleanest” results. But I know loads of gifmakers whose preference is Diffusion, and others yet who will regularly switch between the two, so there’s no real “right” or “wrong” here, so long as the rest of your settings match up with these ones, I think:

[cinderspots]

Look.

I didn't want to do this.

I didn't wanna be the person, who dragged an individual relentlessly, but circumstances change. And sometimes people, don’t know when to stop.

I do not take this lightly, concerns have been raised, and i have never once ever done this before because i have never had a reason to do so.

Now I do.

So.

Dear @doomslayer81

This is for you.

...

First! I am going to put a series of tags of people who are alright with their identity being shared. Some stories have anon tellers simply because they don’t want to deal with the backlash. That is completely up to them of course.

@donnabenevientosimpingzone

@spacehumanwrites

@katsafaria

@sapphic-alcina-dimitrescu

Most people wished to remain anonymous.

Now, this is a callout post. Doomslayer81 has a infamous past of harassment, inappropriate interruptions of a variety of posts, a few suggestive comments, and a pattern of begging for forgiveness and repeating their mistakes.

Anonymous Quote

"Man's delusional, literally delusional. You could tell him to leave you alone and he'd still come crashing. He has no sense of boundaries, he doesn't know when he needs to stop, and he refuses to listen to anyone.

If you see this, motherfucker, let me make this clear. We want nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you. Get it through your fucking head. I am sick of seeing you harass everyone, and there are plenty of others who share my sentiment. As you are now, you are a thorn on everyone's right asscheek, one that refuses to let go.

I say this as politely as possible, just stop. We will not forgive you or give you a second chance, this is our verdict, kindly fuck off."

This anon has beared witness to multiple harassment fiasco's with doomslayer81, and has multiple friends who've been "targeted" by the blog

@donnabenevientosimpingzone

"I hate what hes doing. I'm not sure if I can say I hate him, but I certainly hate what he's doing. He has manipulative tendencies and attention-seeking. He's harassed people for me before I blocked him and now he's harassing people that I blocked him. If he doesn't change, I'm not going to stick around and be a problem for other people- I will leave. I'm tired of his actions, and this is a side blog I made for fun- not a job. This is a choice, and I will choose to leave if he continues this bullshit."

They've blocked him and in response to that hes reached out to multiple blogs, harassing them to talk to donnabenevientosimpingzone about their decision and has repeatedly shown they cannot respect boundaries. Now this conversation alone isn't exactly damning. Which is why this is next.

CinderSpots [Me]

"Oh, I dont know if they remember, but ive been down this road with them before. It wasn't pleasant being repeatedly spammed/harassed about an ask they sent me, but i managed to block them quickly. Fuck off honestly, you've done enough damage."

Oh my god i cannot express to you.

I explained, others have explained, they beg for forgiveness, repeat the mistake, beg for forgiveness again. I dont know what else to say about this, at that point i had more information regarding them as a tumblr user and soon. So will you.

@katsafaria

This is the...5th person(?) they've contacted to attempt to reach donnabenevientosimpingzone.

After they've previously harassed them.

After they've been told to stop, and leave them be. You'll notice (once again) theres a pattern of repeating mistakes and then desperately begging for forgiveness. Now if you haven't been in an abusive relationship before (first off good job, you're doing so great for a tumblr user ngl) this is a sign of manipulation and attention seeking behavior, add this on top of the mistakes themselves and the way they seem to display it, this makes me question their age as well, but that is something I cannot prove or entirely back up, simply a gut feeling I have along with a few others.

The way they are behaving is manipulative and toxic, which is why this post began. They scream, red flag

@sapphic-alcina-dimitrescu​

“Yeah, I’d like him to know that he needs to read the room, to stop harassing people. If he doesn’t understand, but people seem angry, he needs to figure it out.”

They’re hardly the first person to tell me that. The thing is, he simply doesn’t figure things out, he doesn’t attempt to figure them out either. It’s a different story when only one or two people have a problem with someone, it’s a different story when the person who’s causing problems is genuinely confused, it’s a different story when someone truly means what they say when they apologize. 

They don’t mean it, because they consistently make the same mistakes over and over again. Would you forgive someone who apologized for the same things repeatedly and never changed? 

So many people got their inboxes spammed, their dms blown up, their discords pinged over and over again. There is a line. And they crossed it, big time. A lot of my mutuals and their mutuals and other people i hadn’t really heard of yet, have had a problem. Some didn’t want to give a quote, some wanted their privacy kept. The total tally I have as a final number of when I decided to put this post together is 22. People that I know of.

Anonymous Quote

“Here’s what I would say: Stop being an asshole and get a life.”

Anonymous Quote

“I just want to say he has repeatedly interacted after being told to stop.”

Anonymous Quote

“Honestly I just want him to go away, he just...won’t stop no matter what? It’s really uncomfortable.”

Anonymous Quote

“Just stop.”

Anonymous Quote

“Please read the room, stop, leave the fandom alone, and especially stop pushing your way into conversations. Stop.”

Anonymous Quote

“I see him everywhere, a lot, he’s kinda like an infection y’know? A lot of us tries to tell him to leave us alone the nice way, but he just..wouldn’t. I needed him to stop, so I blocked him. I’m lucky that way I guess, he didn’t try to get to me through other people..”

...

It doesn’t make me happy to do this, but if I can get this many people to tell me a similar story, doesn’t that say something?

I’m not saying, go to his blog and be a dick or something, I’m saying be aware of this person. Because a lot of people weren’t and got them nothing but trouble. He shows manipulative traits, and multiple people can back me up on the fact that he feels insincere and uncomfortable. As I was writing this, I realized he’d sent me two more messages that I’d failed to notice before, and somehow they were both incredibly willfully ignorant of everything I’d told him. 

Trust me, and if not me, trust the people who’ve spoken to me and allowed me to take their quotes to this post. Block him.

Block him.