#ive been thinking about this design since highschool?? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

juni-ravenhall · 5 months

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a story or small book or a poem about stuff i thought about

i didnt have any responsible adults in my entire life. i dont have any still now, when im a disabled adult living in poverty. i think a lot about how nice it would be to find some lonely old middle class people who take a liking to me and adopt me as their kid or grandkid since theirs doesnt talk to them much. how much it would help me to have support from anyone.

i was the most bullied kid in my entire elementary school. i never thought of it that way until recently when i randomly said it out loud during a convo on some related topic. after elementary school i was still bullied and isolated and judged, but not always the no.1 victim. i have a lot of damage from how bullied and alone ive always been, including how isolated i am now. i had friends sometimes, but i lost them.

i live in poverty and cant afford a dishwasher or a good bed. my back hurts a lot on top of my other illnesses. i have to wash a lot of dishes and cook a lot of food alone. the bed is uncomfortable. it hurts my back. when my back hurts, it makes it harder to focus, or rest. it makes everything harder than it already is. i cant really think at all on the days when the pain is worst. i stretch. i try. but im also stuck without money inside a small apartment in a bad neighbourhood, and its hard to feel the motivation to do anything.

the wellfare system and the healthcare system doesn't care to help me get healthy. i'm supposed to simply "find a job", even though my resumé is empty with an unexplainable gap of a decade. i dropped out of uni maybe 3 or 5 times. i dont have a degree. i barely made it through highschool. i didnt know that it was mental illness and symptoms of the abuse. i didnt understand that until i was over 20. i still didnt understand that when i tried to do uni, over and over. i kept trying because i am a hopeful person. i tried to learn alone and create alone, too, because i had hope. but hope doesn't get you anywhere if you don't have any support. i know that now.

i think about that im smarter and more knowledgeable and more effective than most people ive ever met who earn 30k sek a month. like the people who yell at me from the wellfare office for asking questions. or the doctors who conclude that i require no treatment despite my obvious disability. or the people making videogames who dont understand anything about game design. i do understand it and i could teach them so much in one hour, if they talked to me. i could make someone a master artist if i taught them for a few weeks. i am fluent in english on top of my native language and understand linguistics and etymology really well. i can read and write in 4 different alphabets at least. one time i composed an original piece of music for my sibling's school project in the span of a few hours of a night, and they told me everyone in their group was amazed that i made something unique for them, from scratch, that quickly.

i don't think that i'm less capable or less skilled or less intelligent or less rational or less efficient, than middle class people. i don't have any proof that this would be the case. the thing i do have proof of is that i have a lot of struggles that come from being a childhood and adulthood abuse victim and bully victim with no support network, with no help, with no money to ask for help. maybe i wouldn't be this damaged today if i had had 15k sek a month for a few years.

i wouldnt even know how to spend 30k sek a month. well, that's not true. i would save it for the future, to stay safe, while also donating to people in my communities, like my tumblr dashboard. that person that often struggles with rent and meds. that person that does emergency commissions. that person with a sick cat. those people, i would give 1000kr each of my 30.000kr salary. if i gave 1000kr to three different poor people every month, i would still have 27.000kr. if my rent and bills were around 10000kr (in a nicer place than now), and i eat food and use hygiene products for around 3000kr, and i buy meds and clothes and bus tickets and small things for around 2000kr, i would still have 12.000kr left. thats pretty much just completely insane. if i saved 12k sek every month, i would have saved more than 100.000kr in one year from my salary, and still given away 1000kr every month to three poor people, and still been able to live happily with food, medicine, bus tickets and cinema visits, and warm clothes in my size.

i could save 12k sek a month, or i could use 2000kr more, to give 1000kr more to two more poor people. for a total of 5 different struggling humans who i could give 1000kr each month. and still save 10.000kr for my future safety. every month. more than 100.000kr savings a year.

the people who earn 30k sek a month in sweden are earning relatively small salaries. there are many who earn 35k, or even 40k, or even more than that. they don't usually give 1000kr a month to 5 different poor people. they also don't usually get therapy, which they can afford, although some do. if i had 10.000kr left just for savings every month, i would get horse therapy, every week. but i might not even have to use the 10k for that. i might be able to cover that partially with the 2000kr i calculated for other spendings. i would be really happy if i could get horse therapy every week.

if you are middle class, you don't live in the same world we do, i don't think. i don't really understand how it works anymore. if you could give 1000kr to 3 or 5 starving people every month, and still save 10.000kr every month, and still live freely and happily and healthily yourself every month. why would you not do that? i think that's why they say "poor people stay poor because we give money away". when we have it, we share it, because we understand how valuable even the smallest sums are. but it's still hard for me to understand how people earning 30k+ sek every month are the majority of this country and how the majority of people are not doing anything similar with their money as what i would do.

my skills, logic or knowledge don't earn me anything. because if you don't have a network, if you don't have support, if you don't have anything, you can't get anything, either.

my only way out is to keep having hope even though i've learnt that hope doesn't actually help me at all, beyond keeping me from killing myself, sometimes. mostly it's the fact that yasmin would be alone that keeps me from it though. because she also has no support, she also doesn't have anything. at least we are together, in the cold without proper winter clothes. at least we are together, when the drug addicts are banging on our window at 4am. at least we are together, wondering how to ever find any means of employment, in a system that's built against us. how to find support in a society where middle class people will tell you that you aren't trying hard enough, while they don't know even how much 100kr is.

112kr is bus tickets back and forth to downtown for two people. that means we can go windowshopping together, or to the library, but we can't buy anything. 200kr means we can go downtown *and* buy a small trinket or a snack. 500kr, means we can go downtown and buy a piece of second hand clothing, or go to the cinema together, or eat a restaurant meal together, one of those things.

1000kr to a poor person every month can help them buy their meds. pay their rent. or to go to the cinema to cheer up, because sitting in a cold small apartment in a bad neighbourhood can make you feel really bad. it doesn't make it easier to work, or easier to study, or easier to get healthier and move up in society. it's really hard to make a "class journey upwards". middle class people seem to not realise that they've been fed propaganda about poor people. i can understand that the upper classes don't know and don't care, because they are horrible unempathetic people all throughout. if you have that much money and don't help the ones less fortunate, or fight the system for us and with us, there is no redemption.

but middle class people, for some reason, it feels as if you should know. as if you should understand how much 100kr is, or how much 1000kr is, or how much 10.000kr is. because you are only one car accident or one severe health problem away from starting to trickle down in class. well, that wouldn't be enough if you have a support network, or if you have a lot of savings, or if you have a loaded family. but over time, with long-term disability, you might lose your middle class. or maybe your sibling does, or your best friend.

it feels as if it shouldn't be that far away from you, that you can't imagine, that you can't understand that some of us right here around you, in your communities, would have our lives changed by having even half of your money every month. the fact that you don't even have to donate a few 100s "instead of" saving it, or "instead of" spending it on games, or on netflix, or on restaurants. you can spend 1000kr on 5 different poor people each month and still have 10.000kr left over just for savings, or for as many gacha tickets as you want, or for trips to spain, if you prefer.

middle class and upper class people's ability to be patrons to those stuck in lower classes without losing any of their own priviledges is just very interesting. i've seen middle class people tell lower class people that their commissions are too expensive. but if you earn 30k sek a month, paying 1000kr for one single commission is actually more or less nothing to you, on average. the same goes for buying products not made in sweatshops. if you have 10.000sek left to save every month, i think you can afford to not support fast fashion, or fast food. poor people are being exploited, ruined and killed to create those products. not for any fault of their own, but because they were born unfortunate. and poor people on your dashboard are unable to pick up their medicines or pay their rents or buy food and warm clothes, not for any fault of their own, but because they were born unfortunate.

we were born without support networks, without responsible and healthy adults around us. we were bullied and isolated in school. we didn't have the opportunity to make "class journeys upward", because we didn't get healthcare or wellfare or other support to help us get through school, or to help pay for it. we didn't have any energy or ability to "network" and lick boots and kiss ass to get special treatment from richer people, even if we wanted to. the bullying and the abuse gave us PTSD, social phobias. reclusiveness. somehow they really don't understand how hard it is to create a network out of nothing, if you have damage from abuse and bullying. how it's not actually your fault that you don't have support. how it's not your fault you didn't just "get better", when the systems are built against you.

i've been a "free psychologist" to many people online for many years. people tell me "nobody understood me that well before", or "wow, that really changed my life". but i'm actually very tired of being a good therapist for no rewards other than seeing people feel better. no payment. and every time i play a videogame, i imagine i could have a sit-down with the developers and outline to them every single thing they could do to improve the game and sell more copies and have happier players. it comes very easy to me. but there is no way to just become a paid psychologist or a videogame fixer out of an empty resumé. i am not able to try to get a uni degree again, because then i would have no money at all for food and rent. so i am here with my empty resumé, without any support, without warm winter clothes in my size. without 1000kr to give to 3 or 5 poor people every month, and 10.000 for savings, for a safe future.

i really don't know what to do anymore, and i don't know how i will ever be able to take a middle class person seriously ever again, either. not if they earn more than 25k sek a month. below that, maybe they still know what 100kr is worth. i'm not sure. but the majority of sweden's working population earns a lot more than that, and has a university degree, because they weren't fucked up so bad that they couldn't finish school. nowadays, i side-eye everyone i see outside, and wonder if they know how much 100kr is worth. i don't think the drug dealers and users in this neighbourhood know how much 100kr is worth. i wish i could have gone into drug dealing, or into drug using. even just drinking. that's what everyone else does in this social class, for a reason. i just had hope that things could be different some day. that if i was responsible and kept trying, things could get better. it doesn't. i don't know if it matters if i spent my wellfare allowance on food or on drugs, or videogames. i don't know if my life will ever get any better regardless. but i spend it on food and medicine and hygiene products, because i have always been responsible, even though it has gotten me nowhere.

another job i could do would be to give middle class and rich people advice on how to spend their money. i would help them both save and invest properly with my knowledge and logic, as well as spending on a healthy mature life for themselves, and investing in their own happiness as well as their family and community's happiness. i could do all of that. it comes easy to me. i think i could be a counsellor. i could be a game designer. i could teach people how to be great artists. i could teach people how to improve themselves. or i could make music and some people would enjoy it enough to pay me for it. there are really many jobs that would come easy to me. everywhere around me that i look, i see people who don't understand as much about the world as i do. who don't know how to improve or how to move forward, when i can see it easily. i don't think that i'm lesser than people who earn 30.000kr a month. i heard that they take coffee breaks and smoking breaks. i heard that they go get sushi for lunch. i heard that you actually even get extra money for healthcare and other things through benefits of your work. i don't know why they don't know how much 100kr is worth.

the doctors told me that there is nothing they can do to help me, but if i pretend that i have autism, i might be able to get more help. because there are systems in place in sweden for people who have autism, and there might be ways for me to get more support and more different kinds of help that way. but i am a responsible person, and i felt that it would be wrong to pretend to have autism if i don't. the help that they said might be possible is also just a "might" or a "maybe". i think i would pretend to have autism if they told me that i would get 30.000kr a month by getting a job through a special programme for autistic people. but i don't know if anything like that would ever happen, so i don't feel comfortable taking a gamble on it. i also feel really angry that the system is like this, and that well-meaning psychologists at the city hospital feel pressured to tell me that the only way they can help me is if i say i have autism.

the only idea i really have for how to not die is to eventually be able to finish making a serious videogame, all alone or with the help of yasmin, or my sibling, or someone i havent met yet. there are people like me, who are creative and analytical, who made very successful videogames alone or almost alone. and i think im a very good game designer, because it comes easy to me. i always know how to fix other people's games, even though nobody asks me to. i know what's wrong: it's usually the same few things. they lack clear direction, in gameplay, art, story, or in everything. they lack a clear sense of their target audience and their desires. they lack understanding of the fundamentals of good game design and what makes games fun and enjoyable and satisfying to play. they lack focus on making the core of the game strong and solid and focus too much on unnecessary things outside of the core gameplay and other pillars of the game. they lack skills in design, or skills in art, or skills in writing. which again comes back to lacking focus, because almost everything is about focus. it's about understanding what the most core things are, what is the most important, both to you and to your audience. it's about pushing design into interesting unique places, or about pushing boundaries for realism, or about limiting your scope to your resources and goals.

when i said i could make someone a master artist by teaching them for a few weeks, it's more or less the same thing. i would teach them that they need to find a core and find focus. they need to push the limits of their art and their ideas, and maybe the limits of the world and society. to focus on shapes and colours and feelings and pushing extremes, while also learning fundamentals of anatomies and perspectives and layouts just to back up the important parts. or if they just want to make ugly vectors for a boring company for 30.000sek each month, i would teach them to focus only on improving those skills necessary for that and to have a full understanding of what their niche means and what the market is like for them. i would also teach them that they can still push their personal limits and make interesting work even if they have a job making ugly art for a boring company, if they wanted to. i would teach them how to market and advertise their art. most of everything is just about focus and about cores and about disregarding useless things. those kinds of things come easy to me. i think it doesn't come easy to most people i see that earn 30.000kr a month. i could even be their therapist to help them stop feeling inferior about their art or stop having impostor syndrome. i understand how the world works and i'm able to teach others about it, if they want to listen.

the biggest evil in the world is expansion, the concept of expansion. our planet and our societies are going to be destroyed because of expansion, and we are hurting today, especially those of us in lower classes, because of expansion. the opposite of expansion is to make smaller and make less. the balanced version is to sustain. if the rich people stopped expanding, the planet and its poor people would do so much better. if we started sustaining instead of expanding, we would be good on our way, and if we started lessening, we could reverse most problems we have.

expanding comes in many forms, everywhere, all the time. when you want to have more money even though you already have enough to live a healthy, safe and happy life, that's expansion. when a company wants to make more money this month than last month, even though its owners have enough money to live a happy life, that's expansion (unless their only purpose in making more money is to help society in some way). when a government wants more land, that's expansion. i could really go on, but almost every evil in the world is expansion at its core. it's about someone wanting to get richer, someone wanting more priviledges, and that someone is someone who doesn't need it, someone who already has it. a company who already has it. a billionaire who already has it. a government who already has it.

i understand a lot about fixing the world. i understand that solving homelessness is possible and would logically be a good investment for societies. i understand that keeping people poor and exploiting them is a way for powerful people to stay powerful. i understand that nobody who has power or money actually wants to help fix the world, because it wouldn't benefit them personally. i understand that those of us who do want to fix the world never get the resources to do so, and won't receive funding from the people who don't want it fixed. i also understand that if i became a politician, i would get death threats. my life would be even harder than it is now. i don't have the option to gamble with my safety like that, when i can't even afford warm winter clothes in my size. it's also not the very easiest job for me. the very easiest would be game designer. the second easiest would be counsellor. politician comes a bit later. i think it would be nice to perform a job that's easy for me and earn 30.000kr every month.

i have a hard time focusing on creating things these days, or focusing on learning things that would help me, like programming. i know a bit of programming, and i know the logic of it very well. i could map out the way the code should work on paper. but learning all the phrases and exact ways of putting it together takes a lot of effort from me, and with my disability it's difficult to do that. i used to draw a lot, and i studied animation very deeply for some years. i read everything about the history of animation that i came across, and about all the fundamentals, the ideas, the ways to make good animation. different mindsets, some that i agree with and some that i don't. i don't think that good animation has to be smooth, or anatomically correct, or correct in perspective. i think anything can be great if it's done with a lot of feeling and honesty and genuinity. you have to have focus. you have to know what your core is, and what the core of your animation is, what the core of each movement, each action, and each scene is. the core of each character. the core of the story, and the colour palettes. the feelings and the motifs. i don't agree that it matters if its two frames or thirty frames. the part that's going to blow people away is the feeling and the extremes. the wild bold colours, or the extremely minimal colours. the massive movements, or the nuanced tiny ones. the ones that tell a story, or the ones that give you a feeling and a sensation without a story. the ones that are anatomically correct and twenty-four frames per second are never going to matter to anyone if they don't feel like anything. that's what i think.

most things are about focus and cores and about not wasting resources on the wrong things. it's about not expanding in the wrong direction. things that come easy to me. if i had the energy, if my back didn't hurt so much, if i could buy sushi for lunch, i would make the best horse videogame in the entire history of the world. i would get more than 30.000kr per month for it, and i would give 1000kr each to 3 or 5 poor people every month to help them with their rent, or their meds, or their sick cat. i would be the responsible adult in my life who has got my back, who can support me, who can help me, and i would be that adult for others. i would pay to go to horse therapy every week, and i would still be able to save 100.000kr every year, and i would be safe, and i would be happy.

#personal #nonhorsgaem

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liquidstar · 2 years

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do you have any anime recs that don't have the Ick Factor? 🤔

Idk if the pun is intentional but “the ick factor” sounds like a version of the x factor where contestants sing as badly as possible to win.

Anyway i can think of a couple but PLEASE keep in mind these are all off the top of my head so i might not remember every single scene in the show… These are pretty much the most “clean” ones i can think of but depending on your tolerance there are more that might just have a few “meh” jokes here and there that you can mostly ignore.

a place further than the universe, its about four highschool girls that are friends and go to antarctica.

For something more action-packed, vivy: fluorite eye’s song didnt have anything weird or gross in it from what i remember. This could also be attributed to the fact that most of the characters are adults (or, rather, robots programed to be adults). I think the absolute most that happens still is that vivy fights in a sports bra once or twice

Theres also heaven’s design team, its really cute and its just about a team of angels making animals. Some of the girls wear revealing clothes but again theyre all adults.

Also cells at work for another edutainment type show. But not code:black lol

For more obvert comedy i dont think nozaki-kun had anything creepy in it at all, especially for a highschool romcom series lmao

Also ive been watching the anne of green gables anime adaptation and anything like that is completely lacking, but idk if that “counts” since its an adaptation of a book. still think its sweet though, very ghibli feel (bc theres staff overlap including miyazaki)

Little witch academia didnt have anything creepy in it from what i remember either especially for a trigger series. also very very gay :thumbsup: same goes for BNA but idk if id recomend that one lol

Zombieland saga is also pretty good, as long as they dont do anything weird w sakura and kotaro in season 3. theres a part in season 2 where a teen character has a crush on an adult but he tells her shes too young so :thumbsup:

Otherside picnic is also pretty good so far, both the characters are adults and also just dress like Normal Women which i find refreshing

For movies there’s a silent voice, I think theres just like once scene where two girls talk about boobs for a second and the main guy gets flustered and leaves and thats it. (edit: be warned this one will make you feel so many emotions tho)

anyway i tried to avoid putting stuff thats blatant kids shows on the list, aside from maybe anne of green gables but come on thats a classic lol.

and im sure theres plenty more that just didnt come to my mind so i dont mind ppl replying w others. sadly its a bit hard to recall Every Show Ive Ever Seen, not to mention ones i havent!

#and there are a few that i thought about that were also not-gross then i was like hmm do i recomend them as stories though? lol #also there are shows that have dark themes but ARENT gross about them #but i wasnt sure if you were asking bc its a personal trigger so i felt like i should just avoid them for now

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lesbianfakir · 8 months

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⏳🗡🩰⚙️ -goldkrone-struggle-tweets

Hi Heron!!

⏳ How long have you been a fan/how did it happen?

I've had Tutu on my radar for ages and I watched the first 3 or so episodes in highschool and just never got into it. I would try to give it a rewatch every so often but I never made it to episode 4. Finally I watched a youtube essay where the youtuber said if you love utena you have to watch princess tutu and i finally said fuck it, skipped the fiest few episodes, and binged the whole thing. That was December 2021 I believe and ive been obsessed ever since.

🗡 Unpopular opinions that might get you killed?

Ruetho is really sweet actually, listen. Listen. Does it have its flaws? absolutely. Is the execution bad? Undoubtedly. There are tons of things I would change BUT. Every time I see the scene where Mytho decides that for once in his life he wants something and he wants to love Rue I go awww that's so sweet. They've both lived their lives under impossible standards and come out the other end flawed but undoubtedly human. They're deeply traumatized and they have a lot of work to do but--and this is the part where you all disagree with me--I think they can do it. Ruetho is really interesting and heavily underexplored but it can be so good actually

🩰 Who has the best character design?

Feels like such a cop out but it has to be princess tutu shes gorgeous. She's just so cute and ethereal and the whole design comes together really well. I like Duck too I think she's fun with lots of personality! Anyone who says her hair is ugly is WRONG it's adorable. Also special shoutout to Paulamoni she's hot as fuck, 10 out of lesbian 10s

⚙️ How would you feel about a remake/reboot?

Now undoubtedly I would hate it but I'm so desperate for more tutu content I want it soooo bad. I just want to see my fav dance scenes with higher quality animation. If tokyo mew mew can get a reboot so can Tutu PLEASE

#asks #thanks for sending in the asks heron i know youre gonna kill me for ruetho but its true i cant help liking them #i am a big sentimental baby and i shall forever see the best in things (whatever the fuck was wrong with them)

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burningcollectionsandwich · 2 years

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heyy !! you got any headcanons for dennis and rocky?? i’ll take all you can throw at me

hmmm been a bit since i thought of headcannons for characters.... yar ill give it a go. ill also put down some comic ideas i had for them as well (the comic ideas here were either scrapped or me questioning if i should draw them or not/not drawing them yet)

- i can see rocky and dennis being really close best friends, to the point they see each other as family (not as a ship/couple, i dont ship them)

- rocky is SUPER protective over dennis as the majority of the monsters that rocky has come across are bad/evil, dennis being the first good goosebumps monster hes come across (until they meet snappy of course)

- dennis has a tendency to wonder off where ever hes at, much to the dismay of rocky. doesnt matter what other goosebumps monster is out there or if rocky tells him not to wonder off, dennis will wonder off (i actually had 2 comic plots in mind for this, one being a joke one, the other being how he ended up meeting snappy, dunno whether to draw them or not)

- rocky has seen dennis’s head fall off that many times that hes not affected by it anymore (the first couple of times used to scare the hell out of him). its actually come to the point that rocky can kind of see when its about to happen and stops it before dennis hurts himself

- dennis is blind in one eye (his right eye)

- rocky has a gold tooth (i have a massive feeling this one was mentioned in night of the living dummy 3 at some point, sorry if it is)

- dennis was created first before rocky, technically making him older then rocky, but with his personality being more or less one of a child and rocky’s design making him look like an old man, hes constantly mistaken to be the younger one

- both rocky and dennis have a minor fear of slappy as they both know the power that he has, but given that both of them have defeated slappy on 2 separate occasions, they are fairly confident to fight him if they ever encounter him again

- i was thinking about this one as more of a joke plot in a mini comic but i like to think that dennis has some sort of super strength. i remember a conversation me and @hellbentjunkyard had ages ago where we could imagine that dennis would be playing with a ball with snappy which ends up accidentally rolling underneath a parked car, with snappy about to crawl under and grab it but dennis just ends up picking up the entire car instead and getting the ball back that way. rocky has a fair bit of strength as well but not as much as dennis

- rocky naps a lot, like A LOT. dennis often stealing his fedora as a joke while hes sleeping

ive actually been trying to think of an origin story on how rocky and dennis meet in the goosebumps universe (i should probably explain since i just realised i never actually explained my version of the goosebumps universe on here yet. my version goosebumps universe, basically its kinda like earth except its... off. like i can see warped buildings, constantly dark skies with thick clouds, i can imagine purple grass for some reason, no idea why i just can, and the rivers/lakes/oceans are a glowing see through green colour. like everything is a different colour (i can also imagine the trees having dark blue leaves for some reason. still no idea why). but basically all the goosebumps monsters/villains are there, as well as locations located in goosebumps (like horrorland or zombie highschool, etc). anyway back to rocky and dennis, they are 2 of the nicer goosebumps monsters (which is kinda rare given that its goosebumps) so i cant imagine them doing something bad. maybe the meet by accident like with dennis and snappy? i dunno ill have to think about it more

but there ya go, thats what i got

#goosebumps #rocky #dennis #rl stine #night of the living dummy 2 #night of the living dummy 3 #snappy

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key-lime-soda · 1 year

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sorry @hinako-supremacy it got really long and i realized it needed to be its own post so here's my existential crisis ramble about jazz and pokemon

im listening to Carlos Eiene, aka insaneintherainmusic on yt, and his music makes me so nostalgic. he became popular for doing pokemon jazz covers (and a few other games like undertale) when he was in highschool and college. meanwhile i was in 6th grade when i found his channel and it changed my taste in music and me love swing and jazz to this day. in new years of 2022 he announced that he was gonna quit doing covers (after like 8 years of doing them) since copyright is a pain and he wanted to do his own original music and become a professional game composer too. i was really sad but also soooo proud cuz like??? his stuff is amazing??? and its like watching ur childhood friend fulfill their dreams and its so heartwarming. he released his first full original album and its called '' insane in the rain'', named after his channel asjhkhkdjfhsdakfh. i listened to one of the songs (same name as the album) and its a very uplifting song that really feels kinda like a "we did it. we finally made it and i couldn't be more proud" and when i heard it i wanted to cry dkjshfksdjhfk??? it captured exactly how it felt seeing him move on and realizing how much time had past. i finished middle school and high school and his music helped take me to where i am today. i was proud of him, but i was also proud of myself too!! we've both grown to reach the place we've always wanted to be. pokemon music inspired him to improve his skills and become a professional composer in the exact same way that pokemon inspired me to become both a graphic designer and videogame analyst!! and we couldn't have done it without pokemon!!

anyway i remembered this song this morning. and a few days ago, there was a commemorative video that showcased that we've hit 1000 pokemon!!! i think the two together really made me realize how much pokemon has been in my life. my birthday is in 2 weeks, which will roughly mark around 15 years since i first discovered pokemon. admittedly i was really young but i still remember watching the diamond/pearl anime on tv and being both amazed and confused since i didn't watch the episodes in order. so much has changed since then: ive grown attached to other games, got new hobbies and greatly improved in old ones, ive become a dad (/joking lol), and ive gotten rid of my gender. but nothing really changed at all. playing legends arceus on the switch felt the same as playing leafgreen on my GBA SP (aside from the obvious difference of actually being able to read). the desire to explore the world and catch them all is still there.

sometimes i wish i could meet my past self. i do occasionally wonder what they'd think of me. in highschool i used to think they'd be disappointed, but now? i think they'd like college Sumi. im studying art and videogames!! plus i never let go of who i used to be. i think kindergarten me would be proud, and i think im proud of them too. life is good and, for once, i think everything will be ok :)

#long post #im not putting this under a read more cuz L #read my post boy /nf #SORRY IM EXPERIENCING ''5D CHESS + TIME TRAVEL'' LEVEL OF EMOTIONS RN #ITS PROBABLY THE LACK OF SLEEP #sumi's late night rambles #sumi tunes lore

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cant-find-an-unused-edgy-name · 1 year

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hey dizzy! how have you been?

question for you- give me some anime recommendations? ive watched quite a few- and by that i mean... quite a lot- but that aside i would love to watch some shows that are more to your tastes!! ⋆｡°✩

I don't actually really watch shows much anymore but here's some stuff I remember being good or liked the manga of! I had a list of watched and to-watch stuff left around ehe

I lean towards slice of life and romance

-Madoka Magica is a magical girl genre subversion that's actually done pretty well and, while dark, isn't overly edgy for the sake of subverting the genre. A bunch of girls become magical girls and then suffer a lot, that's pretty much the premise. They took a lot of freedom when designing the labyrinths and the art always looks really neat in those areas. The characters are great

-Yuki Yuna is a Hero is another magical girl show, with a happier tone than Madoka, though it still has some pretty dark elements. Has a loveable cast but mild fanservice

-Zombie Land Saga is an over the top comedy where a zombie apocalypse and idol anime are mixed into one. A girl dies but she gets resurrected by an eccentric man who wants to start a zombie pop Idol group. This show is absurd in the best of ways. Has typical levels of blood and violence for a zombie anime

-Chunibyo, (sometimes spelled Chuunibyou) Love, and Other Delusions is a romance anime, but it also gives plenty of focus on the characters' friends outside the relationship and everyone just hanging out. It's about a group of highschoolers who think they have magical powers (when they are, in fact, completely normal) and about two of them falling in love over the course of the series. It's a fun lighthearted experience with some great characters. There's very mild fan service in the first couple of episodes while one character has a crush on another but it dies down fast. One thing I liked was the pacing of the romance, they didn't rush a confession or drag it out over the whole show and it was refreshing to see

-From the name, Shikimori's Not Just a Cutie sounds like it's going to be another bad shounen romance where none of the characters have a personality, but it manages to pull through with a really sweet duo of characters. The perspective character is pretty unique among romance animes as well. It's a cute story about an absolute sweetheart of a boy and his badass girlfriend. They start the series already in a relationship so there's once again no drawing out the lead up to a confession.

-Hanakokun is also quite good but given the fact that I'm pretty sure you've mentioned it on your blog I won't elaborate ☆

Stuff I thought was pretty alright:

-in Mieruko-chan a girl starts seeing ghosts and decides to just ignore them since she can't do anything about them. Has a lot of fanservice :/

-in Squid Girl a squid monster comes from the sea to get revenge on humanity for ocean pollution. She's really bad at this and winds up working at a beachside restaurant instead

-Talentless Nana has a really great first episode and the rest of the series gets kind of lame with some smug attempts at writing really smart conflicts comparable to Death Note. An island where teenagers with magic powers called talents train to battle the enemies of humanity

Stuff I had my eye on or heard abt but never got around to so can't attest to the quality of:

-22/7: an idol anime I've heard has good characters

-The Little Lies We All Tell: An alien, a ninja, a girl with superpowers, and an ordinary human boy all pretend to be normal highschool girls at an all-girls school. They all become friends

-Asteroid in Love: Really cute looking slice of life about a school's earth science club (which is a fusion of the school's geology club and astronomy club)

-Do It Yourself: Slice of life with a nice art style about a craft club

-Science Fell in Love, So I Tried to Prove it: After falling in love, two overly logical people insist on trying to somehow prove love as a scientific concept because they believe love to be irrational but can't accept the notion that they are at all irrational

-HaNaYaMaTa: A slice of life around a group of yosakoi dancers

-Our love has always been 10 centimeters apart: simple, cute looking romance anime

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pezpenser205 · 1 year

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i think im really just going to sink my teeth into online relationships these next few months even more than usual. stream more, be more active in servers, practice drawing more, get better at photoshop etc.. bc i mean if im only known online, and can only get popular online, then like. why not take advantage of that??

ive just been using these places as an outlet for my feelings and for fun since i was a child when i KNOW it could be a lot more than that if i really tried for once. its not like i do anything else with my time anyway. why not??!?

idk something just kind of clicked. if i DO have this talent of adapting to online spaces really quickly, and everything else sucks to me, why havent i been using that? ive had over 9 years of experience in drawing people in on social media and im not even out of highschool. ive spent all my time worrying about homework and just escaping to like 9 different social media sites over and over so that i dont have to think about having to have a fucking engineering oriented job that makes me hate everything.

i think ive just been looking at my situation wrong. maybe i DONT have to adapt to the jobs the average person looks up to. why do i care? im openly a fucking loser so like??? why am i so averse to thinking about different kinds of jobs?

maybe ive been trying at the wrong thing this entire fucking time and the answer was right there. theres LOTS of opening jobs for people like me. like social media marketers, graphic designers, etc.. why did i let ppl brainwash me into thinking id ONLY be successful if i can learn to man tf up and do some boring shit like medical school or customer service. my passion is literally right here. i love designing websites and color coding shit and organizing stuff on spreadsheets. i feel SO dumb oh my god.

#op #long post #unsprted

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agustdtown1 · 1 year

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YES!! i’ve also been getting into steed and bts more as well!

oooo, yes yes i’m thinking them over heavily. i wanna get, for sure: a septum, forward helix on my left ear, and a helix on my right. i’ve always really wanted a septum since like, junior year or sophomore year of highschool😭 so, a long time. i’m pretty settled on it, especially since i could take it out for family stuff. the tongue piercing is something i do want, but i feel like i’ll hate it after a while. but one of my friends brother is a piercer, and he said it’s one of the fastest healing ones and it doesn’t hurt too bad. not gonna lie, nipple piercing often cross my mind, but i feel like that would hurt too bad :/

i wanna get tattoos too, but idk what. i definitely need to think a lot before getting one tho. i’m very indecisive but also impulsive, not good together.

ooo yes! ive heard good thing abt tokyo revengers!! i’m not far on soul eater, but i already love it sm. the only issue, is that i never have time. and i need my full attention on the show for the captions so i have to fully focus on the anime when i watch it. so when i’m not watching anime, i’m watching the walking dead and rewatching bee and puppycat :p

yes yes, me too :)

-🧝‍♀️

oooh that’s great! how you like it so far? ^-^

omg those sound amazing, i want to get a nose ring and one for the eyebrow, and i’ve always wanted a lip ring but we’ll see bc rn i’m broke lol, ngl i’ve also thought about nipple piercings but it scares me bc some say it’s painful and also i would feel embarrassed 😅

yeaah i mean if you really like a design i’d say go for it, it doesn’t have to have a deep meaning or sum like that, but yeah definitely think about it before doing it !

oh i feel you on that one! i also need to really get into the show otherwise i get distracted easily, i mean i get distracted either way but if i really like the show is easier for me to pay attention idk if that makes sense haha, also yes tokyo revengers is a good anime, although i’ve already spoiled myself some of the show and the manga as well so... let’s say i’m gonna cry when i decide to finish it

#🍑.answers!#🧝‍♀️ anon

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pigletsbigmovie · 5 years

Text

something i’ve been thinking a lot about is visual language re:character design? like sharp/pointy/triangle is typically visual shorthand for sneaky/evil/suspicious while soft/round/circle equals bubbly/good/pure

or how black = Bad and white = Good

and like... while that shorthand can be used to good effect, the fact that these things have been so heavily ingrained in our minds is kinda... dangerous? like theyre so cliche we dont even think about them, theyre Normal.

like i designed my aziraphale to have blonde hair and blue eyes and i? kinda regret that now lol?

i mean like part of my thought process was that i wanted him to still be recognizable to an audience that is here from the tv series

but the other part of my thought process was also “this is an angel. angels are typically depicted with blonde hair and blue eyes. so im giving this angel blonde hair and blue eyes.” which was also prob why aziraphale looks the way he does in the show

but like! i thought that! actually, i didnt even really Think about it bc angel and blonde hair/blue eyes were so heavily associated with each other in my mind

and it wasnt until later that i realized that: oh wait hey uh it’s kinda weird to have this symbol of Purity and Goodness be indicated by typically white characteristics huh? thats actually weird!

ive also seen fanart with crowley being significantly more tan than aziraphale? like it’s their tv show selves, theyre both white, but crowley’s skin tone is darkened despite in reality them being pretty similar in tone?

and im not saying the artists’ thought process was “im gonna make the evil one darker” but i think probably “im gonna emphasize the paleness of the angelic one” played a role there

i feel like at first glance there doesnt seem to be anything wrong with that! i mean that was my first thought! until i actually took a second to think about how Weeeiiiird it is that, again, paleness was being used as a signifier for Pure.pale skin is a normal thing people have, why are we giving it these significant associations

and i feel like maybe (hopefully not) some people are reading this and are thinking “it’s not That Deep”

but that’s what i Mean!!! like! it doesnt seem That Deep bc these associations are something that have been ingrained into our minds over a loooooong period of time to the point that they seem perfectly normal! like Of Course angels are white and blonde and blue eyed?? like of course it’s not weird that it never occured to me, a person of color, that an angel could look like me? not weird at all! no need to question anything here bc that’s just how things are!!

like the thing is, im already Aware of the discussion surrounding angels being predominately depicted as white and yet that association Still stuck in my mind

anyway. i dont think the use of this visual vocabulary is inherently bad just reflecting that i definitely need to be more careful and vigilant bc it’s not always gonna be so immediately obvious to me when i making use of harmful imagery

#ive been thinking about how weird visual vocab re:character design is since highschool but i def underestimated how deep-rooted it is #it's important to question shit!!!#ten2 talks #long post

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theravencawsatmidnight · 3 years

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Pink Chains (cont.)

Kyotani owns a grunge /punk apparel shop after leaving the Sendai Frogs after a incident with the Black Jackals. He designs his own clothes and hires Oikawa & Iwaizumi as his employees. Everything goes smoothly for awhile, till you walk in; pink dress, big smile , and bubbly personality. His whole life stops in that moment.

Punk! Kyotani x Bubbly F! reader. Aka my favorite cliche trope. It lives in my head every second of the day.

Brief Violence

The rest of the first half and all ive got so far ! / first half at the bottom !!

Your home was a cheap studio apartment not far from the college; a small studio with a cute bed by the window , a table with a bunch of markers with a big sketchbook sitting in the middle . You had the basic needs and a little couch in the corner but no tv , but there was a little pink cat bed next to the couch.

Kyo stuffed his hands in his pockets looking around the studio , it was weird being in a small studio for him since he has a home . Everything seemed shoved into one or two spots. He sat down on the couch and you were looking a little embarrassed, fussing with your dress .

“I know its not much but ! Its my little space heh, Mocha is probably in her little house sleeping. She will wake up soon though now that im home !!!” You picked up some clothes out of a basket. “Ill be right back , make yourself at home!”

“Okay sweetie.” He leaned forward dipping his head down to look in the cat hut . He could see a tiny kitten sleeping in it and smirked leaning back into the couch getting comfortable, well as much as he could in tight jeans. Kyo peeled his jacket off and pulled his phone out to check it .

Group Chat

Mattsun/ picture

Oikawa/ OOOOOO

Iwaizumi/ i knew pink was your color

Kyotonai/ guess where i am

Iwaizumi/well i dont see you so not at home

Oikawa/ are you at her house ?!?

Kyotani/yep, invited me to stay the night

Mattsun/ oh my , how adult

Kyotani/ shut up Mattsun

Oikawa/ hope you brought condoms

Iwaizumi/ be gentle with her

Kyotani/we aint gonna fuck i just didint want to leave yet

Oikawa/ 😙😙😙😗😙😙😙

Mattsun/ 😳😳😳😳😳

Iwaizumi/ 😒

Kyotani / i hate all of you

Iwa,Kawa, Mattsun/ 💕💞♥️

Kyo put his phone on the table when he saw you come out of the restroom, you were wearing a red panda shirt and matching shorts . Mocha emerged from her home too and meowed for attention . Kyo could not stop looking at you, so cute, so , so cute..

“Mocha! “ you bent down and picked up the brown kitten taking a seat next to Kyo to show him. “Shes a rescue ! I saw her all alone and i just had to help her.”

Kyo took the kitten from you and set it on his lap to pet her. “Shes cute” he leaned back tugging at his jeans trying to relax.

“Whats wrong?” You asked, Kyos lap to pet the happy kitten.

“Had these jeans on all day, i dont want to.. make you uncomfortable.”

Mocha nuzzled into Kyos stomach getting comfy and looked like she was not movin for any reason.

“I dont mine but.. you better do it fast because Mocha is not gonna care that you wanna take em off.”

Gently he lifted to kitten to fuss with his belt , you giggled getting up and grabbing your sketchbook. “Can i show you.. heh my drawings.”

“Of course sweetie, you draw?” He asked , pulling his jeans down with one hand and Mocha in the other. Kyo had on black and pink boxers . “Ugn finally..” he set Mocha back on his lap and placed the jeans on his jacket feeling a little unsure if he should have taken em off.

You hid behind your sketchbook when you saw him on the couch in his boxers. Kyo had tone legs from volleyball and a few tattoos on his legs along with some bruises and knicks.

Kyo looked down at Mocha feeling a little embarrassed. Why were skinny jeans so damn uncomfortable after a while? He asked as he pet the little kitten.

You sat down with him criss cross with the sketchbook on your lap. “Yep! I'm in college for art and design. I want to one day get picked up by a clothing store and have my drawings on shirts”

Kyo leaned towards you looking over the sketches with wide eyes. They might have been all cute things; like kittens, red pandas, hearts, patterns and space but they were so damn good. “You have a real talent these are awesome.”

“Really?!?”

“Yes sweetie. Id put these on my shirts. Oh that reminds me..”

“Oh my gosh!! Kyo that would be so cool!” Gently you placed the sketchbook on the table and looked at Kyo, he was a looking a little unsure of himself. “Whats wrong..?”

“Why exactly did you come into my store ? Ive never seen you in it before”

“ uhm Kyo.. you have a shirt in the window with kittens on it.. so.. “

He laughed wrapping his arm around you making you laugh too. “My ‘Sad Day’ shirt? With all the grumpy cats?”

“Its so cute, how could I not!!!” You hit his chest lightly not liking his tone.

“Okay okay.” Lightly he grabbed one of your hands holding it close. “Happy you did, really.” His eyes drifted off you and around the room.

“Kyo?” You inched closer, picking Mocha up leaning down to place her in her hut.

Kyo picked you up and sat you down on his lap facing him, placing his hands at your hips. He leaned back spreading his legs. “Yes? Sweetie..?” You could feel he was a little hard, it was really hot between your legs..

“Im happy i did too.. i really like you.”

His heart thumped a few times. “First girl to say that to me…” he rested his elbow on the arm of the couch to support his head. “I wasn't the nicest guy in highschool, i'll never forget the day Yahaba slammed me into that wall and told me to get my shit together.”

You looked a little sad at his words, Kyo only mentioned his aggression one other time but even then he sounded upset and full of regret.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You asked him , cupping his cheeks so he would look at you. His eyes told you ‘yes, yes please.’ But.. “No, i just want to hold you if that's okay.”

“Okay. If we fall asleep my alarm is going to go off at 8 so sorry in advance.” You got comfortable on his lap and Kyo tipped your chin up so you were looking at him.

“Would you be more comfortable on the bed?”

“Yes i think so. I dont think i can sleep like this. Hehe.”

Kyo gripped your hips picking you up, he stepped over Mochas hut and brought you to the bed to lay down with you, his face a little red. You latched onto his sleeve closing your eyes and drifting off. “Night Kyo..”

“G’night sweetie..”

Fuck what was he doing ? Talking about it will help.. right? Kyo had to wait a bit before you were fully asleep to get up and grab his phone.

Kyotani/ Iwaizumi

Iwaizumi/ Yes

Kytotani/ keep this between us

Iwaizumi/ you didn't hit it and ditch did you?

Kyotani/ what? No.

Iwaizumi/ are you scared to make it official Kyo

Kyo stared at the text for a few minutes reading it over and over .

Iwaizumi/ is it the anger issues

He squeezed his phone and sat down on the couch dialing his phone.

“Im scared ill lash out or something”

“Mm.. when was the last time that happened again?”

“The Tourney against the Black Jackals.”

“Ah yes, think Kei had to pry you off Bokuto or something right?”

“Yes… Iwaizumi i can't lash out at her. I just can't, i mentioned Yahaba and that day and she asked if i wanted to talk about it”

“You said ’no’, didn't you” Sigh “Kyotani she's not a threat, she's not an enemy . She's literally just a girl who likes you. Open up to her”

“How.”

“Uuhhmmmm, tell her you want to talk about it. I'm going to bed. You can do this Kyotani”

He hung up .

Kyo rubbed his face for a minute and glanced at you for a minute then back to his phone opening up Messages.

Kyotani/ Mattsun i know your asleep but invite Yahaba to the beach volleyball.

He set his phone down and very slowly made his way back to you. He wrapped his arms around your sleeping body and shut his eyes tight trying to sleep.

In the morning Kyo was awake early browsing on his phone, he stared at the screen for a minute before pressing Play on the video.

-flash back-

‘Another score for the Black Jackals!!! It is Match Point !!! ‘

The Sendai frogs were tired, sweaty and losing this Tournament. The Black Jackals were still full of energy and ready to go . It was a very hard game for both sides and Bokuto kept testing Kyotani, this was the first time he met the loud grey haired boy and he just did not like him. He knew Hinata but he did not like him too much.

Kyotani was doing better at keeping his temper under control and his team figured out how to hype him up without making him angry. Kei was not too fond of him but then again he did not really need to be, they just needed to be on the same page on the court.

That owl boy though, he was loud, annoying , and just testing him. Kyotani knew it, every serve, block, and spike was for him to clear or get rid of . Kyotani got hit with the ball a couple times and thats when he lost it.

‘Kyotani has taken another hit from the ball!!!’ Yelled the annoucer .

“Hey hey hey?!! Eye on the ball yea!??”

“Dont let it get to you” Kei told him .

“.........”

“..Kyot-“

He was on the other side of the net ontop of Bokuto punching him .The whole building was dead silent.

The last thing Kyotani remembered was hearing the announcer describe what was happening and Kei pulling him off of Bokuto.

He quit the Sendai Frogs that day, took his last check and left not looking back. He opened an apparel shop he called The Dog House and got in touch with his old highschool teammates starting over.

-end flashback-

You woke up to see Kyos hand on your head , you were not fully awake so you just laid there enjoying the nice feeling on your head. Mocha had also joined you in bed and was between you both sleeping. Kyo smelled like leather… an old leather that was renewed, it made your nose crinkle a bit. Looking up you saw he had a collar tattoo with spikes on it on his wrist . It was kinda silly but kinda cute too , although you wondered what it meant.

A minute later your alarm went off and you whimpered letting Kyo know you were awake. He let go of your head to slam your alarm clock off. He looked upset or angry in the face, and he was still staring at his phone.

Slowly you got up and gently placed Mocha on your pillow so you could scoot closer to him. “Kyo? Did you get any sleep?”

“I have to show you something.” He said as he turned his phone to you pressing Play again.

You were holding the phone now, it was alot heavier than yours . You had watched the video a couple times and everytime Kyo punched Bokuto you flinched. After the second time you placed the phone down to sit facing him.

“Kyo..”

He looked the other way running his hand through his hair.

“Kyo?”

He wanted to run away so bad. Start over again. Someplace without people like -

“Kyo.”

You were between his legs now , he had his knees up and was resting his elbows on them and still did not look at you. Dammit Mad Dog just say something to her, she's right there, dont shut her out.. dont shut..

You grabbed his face turning his head, kissing him, catching him very off guard. Kyo fell back taking you with him . You had no intention of stopping and just kissed him more and more even though he cursed between breaths. Kyo grabbed you lifting you up off his face and chest. You frowned at him and sat down on his lap once he let you go, cheeks flushed and very embarrassed.

“S..swee..sweetie”

“You aren't like that anymore!” You told him while you rubbed your eyes.

“Sweetie no don't cry please..” he sat up taking you in his arms rubbing your back in circles. “Sshh..”

“Please.. talk to me..” You sniffled into his neck squeezing him tight.

Kyo was shaking .. you were shaking . He laid his head on your neck starting from the beginning.. the very beginning. Every few minutes he would stop to check if you were still crying. He would cup your face and wipe under your eyes and ask ‘Are you Afraid of Me’ and you shook your head saying ‘No’ every single time. You were both tearing up by the end of it, Kyotani told you about Yahaba, Highschool after Iwa & Kawa graduated , how he became a Pro and Bokuto. The look on his face just made you so sad and seeing you sad was something he never wanted to see.

“Sweetie.. how , how can.”

“I like you Kyo, a lot. I'm not scared, never will be.”

“I'm so scared ill lash out at you sweetie.”

You grabbed his hand holding it and running a hand up and down his sleeve while you talked. “Kyo.. you let me touch your wolves. When we first met in your shop i noticed you were rubbing it a lot , like you were worried or you thought id just out right touch it”

“I..”

You kissed him again and wiped your eyes free of stray tears. “I want to be with you Kyo, i wanna.. see red pandas with you”

He laughed at that and so did you.

“I already said i'd take you didint i?” He asked cupping your face .

“Just making sure you know i really wanna go heh..”

“I know sweetie, believe me i know.” Kyo kissed you and you blushed wrapping your arms around him.

The alarm went off again too.

••

@zoppzoop @mocha-babes @haikyuu-but-low-iq @milkbreadcat @kozushiki

••

#PinkChains #kyotani x reader #kyotani kentaro #kentarou x reader #kyotani 💕

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eclecticvalor · 3 years

Text

7 Things I experience as a DID System. Mental Health Awareness Month.

In light of May being America’s mental health awareness month, I wanted to talk about something that has consumed my entire life for the past year and a half: Treatment and healing from a disorder that is stigmatised into the ground by poor representation and misunderstandings both socially and in the medical field. Those who are close to me know first hand how my symptoms and experiences have shaped the way I interact with the world since starting treatment, but aside from my closest friends and family, and the people I live with, I don’t normally talk about the fact that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and what that means to me.

Hi. My name is Atlas, some people call me Cadyn, and I am the primary host of 26 fragmented parts of my consciousness. I am not dangerous, none of my parts or alters are dangerous, and no, it is not like “Split”.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a trauma based dissociative disorder listed in both the DSM IV and V, and is recognized as an uncommon disorder characterized by two or more distinct personality states existing within the same consciousness. These personality states come to be when natural childhood development is disrupted by severe, continued, or repetitive, trauma, the child has a natural inclination towards heavy dissociation, and a lack of adult or parental support to develop the means to cope with the things happening to them.

Unfortunately popular mental health media has seen an uptake in people viewing DID as a quirky “trait”, the ability to have functional imaginary friends living in your head... but in reality DID is a lot darker, a lot scarier, and isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. Because of this media spike I wanted to share 7 things that living with Dissociative identity disorder means to me

1. Amnesia

Living with DID means that I miss out on a lot of my life. A primary symptom of DID is amnesia. I have no solid memories before the age of 13, and the memories I do have are often skewed, incorrect, or completely false as my brain fought for a way to fill in gaps and cope with the loss of memory. I forget a lot, and not just things like forgetting where I left my wallet and keys, or forgetting the day - those do happen, but I also mean forgetting big things, important life experiences and things I wish with all my being that I could remember like my highschool graduation and my wedding reception.

I often forget important day to day things that make it difficult to maintain life as an adult, like doctors appointments, work schedules, meetings, and important daily tasks. I’ll forget that I’ve eaten at all that day and risk going days without eating, or overeating due to having no recollection of the last time I’d eaten. I forget birthdays (especially my own), anniversaries, and important holidays.

To an outsider, who has no idea what’s happening inside my head, this can come across as though I’m thoughtless or unreliable. That I am cold for forgetting an important date, or simply that I just don’t care when this very much is not the case.

2. Alienation

Oftentimes DID comes with a sense of alienation from people who you’re supposed to know. For me a really clear example of this is when I previously mentioned my childhood memories being skewed - I have a clear memory of a conversation I was having with some blood relatives a few years back in which I mentioned that one family member I had happy childhood memories of, and remembered playing together as kids, but with another family member they were practically a stranger to me. I had, and still have, no memories of ever spending time with them growing up, no memories of having any kind of relationship with them at all. My understanding of our relationship was that it was “forced” because we were family and our parents expected us to exist in the same space as we grew up, but that we never talked. But I was informed by a separate member of the family that I was very wrong, and this “stranger” was actually someone I had been close to growing up. This is a common experience with DID patients, and also a very frustrating one. It creates feelings of “You know me but I don’t know you”, and it’s extremely difficult to trust your own judgement of the people you know, because you often can’t tell if your judgement is skewed by your memories or lack thereof.

3. PTSD and Flashbacks

A diagnosis of C-PTSD (Or complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is required for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This means that while the individual symptoms of DID can be frustrating, scary and sometimes depressing, the most difficult aspect of DID, and the most important to focus on in treatment is the PTSD symptoms.

PTSD symptoms in DID can be extremely powerful due to the additional dissociative aspect. This can mean that for a lot of DID patients, flashbacks can produce full blown body sensations, hallucinations and terrifying delusions. This is One thing that I find incredibly difficult to talk about, but I also believe is extremely important to understand. It can be embarrassing, shameful and while I only speak for myself in saying this, can cause a lot of guilt and grief. There have been times where I have been experiencing powerful flashbacks and did not recognize my own husband, resulting in lash outs and fear towards him being delusioned into thinking that he was out to hurt me, or had harmful intent for just existing in the same space as I was.

For me, a single wiff of a familiar smell, hearing a sound, a certain color, an idea, a name, a passing thought or comment can throw my previously stable mental state into one of pure panic, hyperventilation, hallucination, delusion, fight-flight-freeze and reactionary responses. Through treatment I’ve developed adaptive and healthy coping skills and management responses but trauma responses can be so quick, and so unexpected that I don’t always have time to process my coping skills before my body and mind respond in negative ways.

4. Decision making and skewed Behavior

Because living with DID, means living with a shared or fragmented consciousness, this often means that while I may not remember, my life is still being lived during my time of memory loss. Alters or parts will take control and operate my body, reacting to things, interacting with people, completing tasks and functioning. But oftentimes parts who take control are very different from myself, and make choices and decisions that I wouldn’t normally make, and sometimes decisions I wouldn’t *ever* make. An example of this is the fact that technically I am a conservative voter, despite myself as an individual having leftist or NDP views, or decisions to leave or apply for jobs and work positions that I have no interest in, or that I don’t even have the qualifications or physique to do, or leaving ones that I personally loved and excelled at. This also reflects a lot in everyday life in more subtle things, decisions like what food to eat, things to buy, activities to do shift between parts while they’re in control.

To outsiders this can look a lot like impulsivity, lack of self-control, or lack of a sense of identity. This is a huge reason why a lot of DID patients are often misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the behaviour between alters can be so drastically different that it can look a *lot* like manic or depressive states.

5. Denial and Dismissing Trauma

A very common experience among DID patients is denial and being dismissive or disregarding the things that happened to them. I often find myself in a state of questioning whether my symptoms, my disorder, and even my trauma were ever real to begin with. In therapy I find myself saying “It’s not that big of a deal” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal” more times than I’m actually saying anything productive. A huge part of this is why I wanted to make this list, because the media, and a lot of medical circles deny that DID exists or believe it’s impossibly rare and those, while both false, can cause intense feelings of “Maybe I’m just doing this for attention”. DID is a very real, very difficult disorder to diagnose, to treat, and to live with disorder, and while it is uncommon, statistics show that approximately 1-2% of western population is diagnosed, and up to a suspected 7% are living with the disorder undiagnosed because of these misconceptions. It is not common, and it’s not something that everyone is going to have, but it is a very possible response to very real trauma and is a valid diagnosis to give to those meeting the criteria.

6. Hidden Symptoms

DID is often referred to as a “covert” presenting disorder. What this means is that most commonly outsiders, friends, family, employers and even the patient themselves can have a nearly impossible time recognizing the symptoms, and it often goes unnoticed until an event destabilizes the function of the person’s life. This can lead to a lot of backlash or denial coming from peers and family close to the person. This leads to the patient hearing a lot of: “I’ve never noticed personality changes”, “You don’t act like you have it”, “You couldn’t possibly have that”, “No, I would have noticed”, “You have to be mistaken”, “There’s no way, it would have been obvious”. And so, so much more. The reality of DID is that it’s *not* noticeable. It’s a safety response that the brain created to protect the psyche from the intense damages that come with long term trauma experiences, so it’s often designed to hide itself from abusers or perceived threats as a way to compartmentalize trauma memories and maintain the ability to survive through stress and unstable situations. Not being able to “notice” is kind of the point in most cases.

7. Wandering and Dissociative Episodes

Living with untreated or unmanaged DID can potentially be dangerous due to episodes of dissociation, “wandering” experiences (where the patient will wander away from home, family, or life in a confusion, attempt to return to a perceived life never lived, or in a state of belief that their current life is unsafe). For me this took a head last year, and was actually an event that led to the solidification that this disorder was the explanation to my experiences. According to nurses and my husband, I had wandered into the emergency room of a hospital in the middle of the night, with no idea who or where I was, with no idea how to return home, or even where home was. I was wearing a t-shirt, and it had been raining, and my body was so cold they needed to retake my vitals nearly 6 times because they were unable to get an appropriate reading. After discovering my identity, my husband was called to take me home. Working with a therapist helped to develop a safety plan during events like this to prevent harm from coming to my body, or from ending up in newly traumatic environments, but I was lucky. These situations can lead to re-traumatization, victimization, it can lead to kidnapping, assault, it can lead to being injured or harmed by environmental factors and so much more and it is so incredibly important that DID patients work with their therapist to develop solid safety plans proactively to make sure that the patient doesn’t experience any worst case scenarios during episodes like this.

Conclusion

My experiences are individual to me, and to my psyche. Not everyone will experience the disorder the same way, because not everyone experiences or responds to trauma the same way. I am so lucky, and extremely privileged to be able to access consistent care and treatment, that I found a professional who trusts me, and is focused on stabilizing and supporting. Too many people living with this disorder have no access to supportive mental health care because of the misconceptions that parts of the medical field hold regarding the legitimacy or frequency that the disorder develops, and too many peers and circles of people outcast or disregard the very real, very difficult experiences because they don’t understand the disorder, or believe it doesn’t exist, or believe it looks like split. If you, or someone you know is struggling with Dissociative symptoms, or dissociative identity disorder do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for support, and educate yourself on the reality of the disorder.

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