#ive done a little more introspection about what i like and why i like it and tried to apply that to other areas of my life

[dimension20stuff]

I feel like I've grown so much as a person the past couple years but not in like...quantifiable ways. I am very proud of myself.

[laguezze]

PAC: Summer Predictions

it's almost June and I feel like summer tends to be an exciting time for a lot of people! In case you are wondering what are some things summer will bring to you here's a Mamma Mia! Themed PAC for ya.

Minors DNI as one of the piles is a little PG. Please don't. Listen to me. Don't interact!

Here are the piles!

Pile I

Pile II

Pile III

Pile IV

Ready? Let's go!

Pile I

Song channeled: Waterloo

"I was defeated you won the war." "Finally facing my Waterloo."

There's an energy of waiting and release. I'll explain. You've been waiting for something to happen, you've been making moves in the past and nothing came out of it. So now I'm sensing you're just defeated and decided to let go of it. You have learned you can live without this thing happening. And it's when you let go that it happens. Or for some of you, something better comes out of it.

Letting go is a powerful thing, it can bring new things, it gives you peace of mind. And although it's painful sometimes, the sense of release is better than anything else.

So basically, this summer I see you becoming more chill with others and with yourself. You're done waiting and expecting things from people and opportunities, you're done. So you're letting go, learning how to breathe and that will be rewarded.

Things I'm seeing could happen: meeting a promising connection, learning a new skill, getting a job offer, learning how to love yourself.

Hope it resonates! 💕

Pile II

Song channeled: Dancing Queen

"you are the dancing queen, young and sweet"

"you're a teaser you turn em on"

I'm seeing you wanna have fun this summer. I mean, you chose this dancing pile, so it makes sense.

And I'm not here to blow your fun away. But i am.

So you want to go out and meet new people, get into that hot girl summer mindset. Maybe you've had a boring year or your experiences with summer have always been dull and not special.

I'm seeing someone scrolling on social media, looking at all the fun things people are doing on vacation, wishing that was them.

Well, I'm here to tell you that may not be you. And that's ok.

You're not at that point yet and that's fine. You can't expect to go out and meet people in a place where you know everyone. And if you can't afford to leave that place then it's going to be very difficult doing that.

It's alright to have a chill moment at home, you don't need to be out and about everyday in order for your summer to be exciting. You can meet people other ways, and you can get to know the people you already know better. Deepen some existing connections. Your deep desire of getting everything new is putting you back. You need to appreciate the things in your life before you get new ones. Including people.

Things I'm seeing could happen: finding a good friend, shadow work, journaling, exploring and finding new places in your city, picnic dates, taking care of animals.

Hope it resonates! 💕

Pile III

Song I channeled: I've been waiting for you.

"You're something I'd been pleading for"

"And finally it seems to me, my lonely days are through"

Great energy here, pile 3. A lot of you have done the work and been introspective and learned how to love yourselves. I'm so proud of that. Some of you spent hours wondering why your FS wasn't here yet and used that to solve some issues within you. Some of you wondered why you didn't seem good enough for this new position, and you did the work and got where you needed to be.

Whatever this thing you wanted was, you've done the work in order to get it. So you will get it. This summer it seems like the universe is giving you a break and granting you a wish. I'm so happy for you guys!

Things I see could happen: meeting a soulmate, getting a new job, getting a pet, buying a new house, leaving home, traveling somewhere you were dreaming of.

Hope it resonates! 💕

Pile IV

Song I channeled: Our last summer

"Walk around the Seine, laughing in the rain"

"Memories that remain"

You guys will probably travel somewhere small, like a town no one has ever heard of. This might be home for some of you and you'll be going back after a while. I'm seeing this summer will be quite transformative. I'm seeing it will be peaceful and quiet, but that's exactly what you need. Although not uneventful. I'm seeing some drama might happen with old friends. But nothing major. Maybe you'll get a crush on someone or see your old crush again and remember.

This summer is full of nostalgia and old memories. You'll rethink a lot of your goals and values and discover yourself a little more.

Things I'm seeing could happen: meeting a new crush, making a song, fighting with friends, rekindling a romance, losing the v (iykyk), lots of firsts... (Iykyk), flower picking, reading, writing a novel.

If you're a minor reading this why would you do this to me, i told you to leave at the beginning like get off the internet and live your life.

Hope it resonates! 💕

The End

[i-love-you-seoul]

so OCD.

i have a lot of morality-focused OCD.

i think ive talked before about having POCD, and thats the most distressing form my OCD takes for me, but i also sometimes have some like "what if im actually really racist and every thought or reaction i have is racist" kinda OCD and i want to talk about that for once.

this is the first time i have ever talked about this, to anyone (i am counting tumblr as a Someone for this purpose), which is very in line with OCD... it feels shameful to admit you have the thoughts. but for educational and introspective purposes, i am doing so. i want to share this.

so, this has bothered me for a long time. haunts me every day etc etc. but something i just realized is that, the only thing that's really seemed to help is getting more familiar with racial activism/knowledge. you'd think this would just give my brain more ammo to find new and exciting ways it thinks im fucking up, but its actually the opposite.

for example: every time i happened to find a black person or character attractive, i'd go "oh no maybe im fetishizing them" and feel horrible.

but now that ive actually learned what fetishization means and looks like in the context of racial dynamics, its easier to shut that thought down, because i can analyze my own thoughts for racist ideas much better and feel more confident in my assessment. (still not too confident, but better than before.) like, with racist fetishization, theres often an aspect of sexualizing the "exotic otherness" of non-white people. and then theres also the tendency to restrict people of certain races to certain roles within fantasy--like black people being dominant, or asian people always being submissive or bottoms. and i can look at my thoughts and go, "i'm not doing any of that. i just think they're pretty."

though sometimes my thoughts can appear at first glance to fall into these categories. for example thinking about asian people being typecast as submissive, im like wait, but am i being racist by wanting this chinese character i have a crush on to bottom/sub for me?!

but if i look a little closer i can go, wait, but im just a top in general. this is perfectly in line with my typical sexual preferences and it would actually be more notable if i deviated from that. so maybe im just being a little silly and too mean to myself? just a thought.

and now here's the REALLY interesting part, the important part:

i couldnt have had any of these thoughts if i'd just done my compulsions and batted the thoughts away without examining them. thats the urge you have with OCD; to get rid of the "bad" thought immediately, by any means necessary.

but in order to realize that the anxious thought was unfounded, i actually had to sit with the thought, examine it despite my discomfort.

this is, i think, a big part of why compulsions don't help in the long run, and allowing the thought to pass through naturally does. because it gives you the opportunity to better understand the thought, to realize that your brain is overly anxious.

[ethernetmeep]

i go home the long route this time— extra long, different specific road home twice. think of many different people as i do so. remember a man i would call uncle danny. old, smoker. died of some form of cancer. quite sweet, from what i can remember. lived next to those two girls whom are on my bus, matching blondes. remembered a girl named bella (now another bella, as i write this— only writing about those whom appeared in my life physically nearby, though.) who likely moved. kept her hair in a bubble sort of bun or braid which was very circular. short & rotund… nice, until she wasn’t. remembered another girl, although i forgot her name— truly disheartening. had a sleepover with her, once. family lived in a huge house— remember asking how her family could afford such a thing, or something along those lines. sounded like an insult— it was a genuine question. didn’t realize those who had better economic income (her family, in this case) didn’t have to share houses. long hair, dark skin. quite nice, very… feminine in nature. was very young when we were friends. memory had faded; until i went that route, that is. its quite jarring how people can come in and out of your life, fade in and out of memory.

[CROW OR RAVEN?] a thought interjects my introspection down memory lane. no warning, no context. i try to wonder what fits with this. i realize only one possible logical thought— facepalm internally. really? you could be doing anything else, thinking of other people you met, lives lived, conversations had, and its this?

…of course, i responded with crow; more accurate. still foreboding, to some. i like crows— i don’t find them creepy, only interesting.

remember a question asked by my friend earlier today and my lack of having a prepared answer. at the time, i didn’t think it made much sense— well, why wouldn’t i? until, well… i realized my life experiences aren’t always the same as others. have a friend who ive long forgived for many things; they’ve changed, done their own thinking, yadda yadda. friends since young quote, tweens. i forgive easily and hold little to no grudges. i see the best in people and see them for their positive traits, more than anything— hence why i was so confused as to why this was a question being asked. of course, i realized in this moment i was the idiot. nonetheless, i still hold the sentiment. i am more than happy to restart and try again, always.

what else… testing, more testing. two essays. quite personal. one where it was a girl stuck in a space vessel, having the narrator go down to earth and do things just so she could see them or feel them again. her yearning for simple nature was so visceral it almost made me sick— i saw two people in her character. lunch after testing. cried, cried a lot. personal details, will leave out for yknow… a bit of privacy? will say i had a conversation with a friend. gave him his gifts i had in store. stayed long after lunch to finish a discussion. been in this side room twice in a row, now— [remember those other times you cried in there?] my brain asks. shut up, i reply internally. anyway… today was much better— mainly because of conversation and clarity. had a nutri-grain bar for lunch. continued a test, although didn’t get to finish it. teacher didn’t know i had state testing; informed her of this. bell rang, next class.

spanish— culture day. sat and sketched in my mini notebook. used lineofaction.com for references. some poses, then facial expressions. drew about 3/4 before i got to my last one. squinted, curious as to why the visual looked familiar. looked up to reference photo, looked down. the hair, seemingly. i wondered what to do about it. rolled with it, in the end. not as if it inherently means anything, anyway. made a shitty recreation of a memory which is not my own. bursted into a fit of silent giggles, heavily amused by my stick figure of sort. after our discussion, i feel less saddened and more genuinely content with certain happenings. i am happy others are happy, truly!

i feel… much, much better than yesterday.

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[amy-issen]

ok so here it is!! i spent the last week solely making and listening to this playlist like i was POSSESED because this ship is lovely and deserved a nice playlist!  if anyone wants to know why i picked each song, i’m going to ramble about it extensively in the read more, so check that out if you want! hope you enjoy it! also thanks again to @birbwell​ for letting me use her art for the cover!

i divided this playlist in a few sections so let’s start with the first one (section one: first meeting/pining) i. in the rain - joe hisaishi i wanted to start with a short instrumental track to set the mood, and i looooove howl’s moving castle score, so i had to pick this one! the fact that it has rain in the title also helps to reference how their relationship began! ii. with every breath i take - frank sinatra “every breath that I take is a prayer that i’ll make you mine” my sister is a big sinatra/jazz fan (and also a yakuza fan) so she helped me with picking a few of the songs here! this one is very romantic, elegant and beautiful and i thought it fit the mood (and it’s what i think tachibana listens to in his free time lmao).

iii. gold rush - taylor swift “what must it be like to grow up that beautiful? with your hair falling into place like dominoes my mind turns your life into folklore i can't dare to dream about you anymore” this one is my FAVORITE song on this playlist, and one of the first i picked because this song just fits them like a glove. it’s basically pining 101, and i love that what taylor said this song is about “daydreaming about someone then snapping out of it.” i feel like the first part could be from tachibana’s perspective and the second one from kiryu’s (also giving a bit of a glimpse into the future, with the mention of a coastal town they’ll never find together) iv. first love/late spring - mitski “so please, hurry, leave me, i can't breathe please don't say you love me mune ga hachikire-sōde (my heart seems like it’s going to burst)” this one was another song i picked very early on because i love mitski, and i needed to include her here. i just wanted something to symbolize the trust that tachibana and kiryu have to share to work together, and the feelings that emerge from it, if that makes any sense. i don’t think this has a specific perspective, because i feel like this could work from both kiryu’s and tachibana’s (mostly kiryu though) v. real estate - adam melchor “every time I wonder how i'd carry on without you i'm runnin' out of real estate tryna make all the right moves i don't wanna hesitate i would bet the house on you “ do you UNDERSTAND how satisfying it was to find a song named real estate for them?? come ooon. ok that’s not all of my reasoning for it but it’s like. most of it, lmao another song i felt was about trust and feelings. (also a bit of a glimpse into the future, because i’m sad) vi. i get a kick out of you - ella fitzgerald “i get no kick from champagne mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all so tell me why should it be true that i get a kick out of you?” another one my sister recommended. i originally was gonna go with sinatra’s version of this, but i love this one and it just wouldn’t leave my brain. again, one from mostly tachibana’s perspective, get this man to sing this on karaoke night right now. vii. like real people do - hozier  “i will not ask you where you came from i would not ask and neither would you honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips we could just kiss like real people do” this is one of my all time favorites from hozier and, again, it just fit perfectly. tachibana and kiryu have both lived some very... troubled lives so far, and while they’re depending on this trust they have in eachother, none of them really care to know about what they’ve done or who they are. this is mostly from kiryu’s perspective, specially with this metaphor of being rescued/dug up from the earth with the whole being found in the rain and saved by tachibana and his poor driving skills. viii. delicate - taylor swift “this ain't for the best my reputation's never been worse, so you must like me for me... we can't make any promises now, can we, babe? but you can make me a drink” y’all are going to have to forgive me for picking TWO taylor swift songs but COME OOOON this is another one that i picked early on because i could draw so many parallels between the lyrics and things that they both said in that car scene on chapter 9 (mostly tachibana though) and i kept harassing my sister with screenshots to prove my point and i’m gonna do it again

ANYWAYS i’ve made my case, and now we enter the second section of the playlist at last ( section 2: actual romantic/fluffy songs because this is a ship playlist) i. good old-fashioned lover boy - queen “dining at the ritz we'll meet at nine (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 o'clock) precisely i will pay the bill, you taste the wine driving back in style in my saloon will do quite nicely just take me back to yours that will be fine” is this a bit of a cliché? yes. did i want to include it because it’s very cute and i’d like to imagine kiryu and tachibana having a nice date night with no people trying to kill them all the time? also yes. i love this song.

ii. stay with me/mayonaka no door - miki matsuraba “you in your gray jacket with that oh-so-familiar coffee stain just as you always are the two of us reflect in the window display stay with me knocking on midnight's door i beg you not to go home tonight” (translated lyrics) is anyone not obsessed with this song lately? this is the only song here i’m blaming tiktok for making me listen to it lol. in any way, this song is deceptive because it sounds really happy but is actually quite melancholic. i thought it fit their relationship well, and it seemed like a good addition to the playlist with it’s 80′s city pop vibes.

iii. on melancholy hill - gorillaz (covered by matt forbes) “just looking out on the day of another dream where you can't get what you want, but you can get me so let's set out to sea, love 'cause you are my medicine when you're close to me" this is a gorillaz song but i went with this cover because it fit the feeling of the playlist a little better. another song that i just love very deeply and i thought fit the sentiment of kiryu being like “hey i know we have Big problems and you’re very sad in the moment but i’m here for you” iv. (i love you) for sentimental reasons - nat king cole "i think of you every morning dream of you every night darling, i'm never lonely whenever you are in sight" surprisingly, not one that my sister recommended, but one i found for myself while looking for quiet  romantic songs. i feel like this is tachibana's reply to kiryu being there for him and helping him. plus, idk i just wanted to imagine them slow dancing to this. v. positions - ariana grande (covered by travis atreo) "perfect, perfect you're too good to be true but I get tired of runnin', fuck it now, i’m runnin' with you" i picked this cover because i felt like using ariana's one would be a little goofy for this section lmao, but i really like this song and how it's about commitment and doing everything to make a relationship work. i just wanted to throw some sexy vibes before this playlist delved into depressing stuff. also if you telling me tachibana wouldn't absolute body a tiktok set to this song you're lying to yourself. (section 3: oh no this is getting sad) i. forever - labrinth "i'll live forever" i love everything labrinth makes, the euphoria soundtrack lives in my mind rent free and this is my favorite one. this barely has any lyrics so, again, mostly a track i picked for its intrumentals and feeling overall. mostly preparing you for the sad stuff ahead. ii. hong kong - gorillaz "you swallow me i'm a pill on your tongue here on the nineteenth floor the neon lights make me calm" this is my favorite gorillaz song, by FAR, and i think it's introspective vibe really fits tachibana's character. not really a song about relationship but i really wanted to include it because it's just such a GORGEOUS song. iii. fragments - severon another instrumental track! this one i stole from a playlist my sister made for a fic i wrote last year. again. sad vibes. iv. sign of the times - harry styles (covered by LANY) "remember everything will be alright we can meet again somewhere somewhere far away from here" i loved the synth-y vibe this cover had, while still keeping this song's sad "our lives are dangerous and i'm about to die" vibes. i mostly wanted to evoke the vibe from the scene where tachibana agrees to go with lao gui after kiryu gets shot. just really sad all around. v. so close - jon mclaughlin "we're so close to reaching that famous happy end almost believing this one's not pretend let's go on dreaming though we know we are so close, so close, and still so far" me? picking a song from disney's enchanted??? for a playlist??? it's more likely than you think. idk this song just gives me that vibe of being so close to being happy and together, almost reminiscing and wondering what could have been. but it just... won't happen. vi. as the world caves in - matt maltese "yes, it's you i welcome death with as the world, as the world caves in" oops, yes, i had to go there. just couldn't resist including this song, and i feel like it's really self-explanatory. vii. places we won't walk - bruno major "neon lights shine bold and bright buildings grow to dizzy heights people come alive at night in places we won't walk" again, i feel like this song speaks for itself. a bit of a meditation on kiryu's perspective on things that could have happened, things they would have done, that kiryu will just have to do alone from now on. viii. carry me out - mitski "i drive when it rains at night, when it rains, i drive and the headlight spirits they lead me down the styx so black it shines and carry me out carry me out"

possibly the saddest and the most powerful song in this playlist, because i just had to put a mitski song again. the image of kiryu carrying tachibana's body is just constantly in my mind when i listen to this, but i could also see this song being from the perspective of tachibana's spirit. ix. arms tonite - mother mother "i died in your arms tonight i slipped through into the afterlife it was nice" lmao this felt a bit like a cruel joke to include, but i didn't want this playlist to end TOO depressingly. it's a nod to tachibana dying in kiryu's arms, sure, but also it's romantic and possibly a little hopeful (tachibana lives au!!! orpheus and eurydice au!!! fuck it, idk!!)  xi. everybody wants to rule the world - tears for fears "there's a room where the light won't find you holding hands while the walls come tumbling down when they do, i'll be right behind you so glad we've almost made it so sad they had to fade it everybody wants to rule the world" not a recommendation from my sister, but it is her favorite song, and she was happy that i included it. another 80's bop with sad lyrics! i feel like this is a lovely summary of their story together and it feels like a nice little bow to wrap up the playlist.  i hope you enjoyed my long ass explanations! i might add songs later (or make an entire second playlist altogether for the fic i'm writing rn, but let's not get ahead of ourselves)

[randomoranges]

good god almighty. here is part 4. somehow longer than the other parts. somehow with more Emotions. i decided to not be vague and call the spades spades. this one is more nsfw because of things étienne mentions. 

again, minor character death and lots of introspection ha ha .

ive been working on the beast for like almost a month now. part 5 aint even done. im so glad i hacked it up in the end. 

PART IV

“The 60s were good with that – for forgetting and moving on. There was – or seemed to be this renewed sense of freedom, as if the people were finding their true purpose in the city. A great big curtain was being pulled back and we were given the opportunity to redefine ourselves. It felt like hope, in a way and with the distance put with the church, I felt I could breathe a little more and I was able to find myself. By the time Expo rolled around, it gave me purpose – something to do. The energy in the city was astounding. The projects people were coming up with – the possibilities they were unveiling – I had never felt something like that. I thought for sure this energy would see us through the next one hundred years; we’d be feeding off of it and returning to it for years to come. It would be our source of creation. Everyone seemed to be excited; the world was literally in our backyard and it felt good to bask in the attention.”

 It made sense for Étienne to have Expo, considering how good he was at catering to others – at giving them the good time they wanted. He thrived in giant crowds and lived for the attention. Plus, at the time, Montreal really did feel as though it was the center of Canada. It still felt like an other-worldly experience and there were still times when Edward wasn’t convinced Expo hadn’t been one massive hallucination. And he’d only been a small part of it, unlike Étienne who had lived every stage of it.

 “With the change of decade, going into the 70s, I expected much of the same – moving forward, the endless possibilities of the future and such. For the first time in a long time, I was actually looking forward to having more time – to being immortal and being able to experience every change. To make new connections. Expand and broaden the horizons and such.”

 “And then it all went to shit, starting with the October crisis. There was a lot that happened in the 70’s and not everything was bad, but for me, personally, it was a series of euphoric highs and devastating lows. In the same breath of the Crisis there would be a Cup win, then there was the Exodus, the language debacles and it never seemed to end. Up and down and up and down. One giant roller coaster that never gave me a chance to catch my breath. It was hard to feel anything let alone make it constant. It took a toll – added up and left me reeling in ways I had never thought possible. I couldn’t finish celebrating the Cup that I would get notified that something terrible had just happened. I would be relishing in disco and there’d be a murder. It was too fucking much. I couldn’t take it anymore. Everything I had worked so hard to build was slowly being torn from my hands and what was left didn’t seem to matter enough. The proverbial carpet had been yanked from under my feet and no matter how many times I tried to get up, I just kept falling and falling and falling... there was no end in sight.”

 Their correspondence at that time had petered off, somewhat. They’d both ended up in unpleasant situations and the last thing Edward had wanted to do was to take a pen and write to his friend to let him know how miserable he was. There’d been times when he’d wondered if his friend hadn’t found out about his fate and had left him for dead as well and it had only been later – much later – that he’d found out through Étienne exactly why he hadn’t written as often, if at all, for a few years.

 “I’m not exactly proud of what I ended up doing, but it seemed like the right solution at the time. I was a mess. I needed help but I didn’t realise it and I wasn’t sure there even was such help for such a lost cause. Working the streets and the clubs were as much self-punishment as they were the only place I felt I could succeed. It was easy to spread my legs to let some random guy fuck me in an alley. It was easy to pretend to be someone else. It was easy to get down on my knees and suck them off. It was easy to let others use me as they wanted and write it off as being unworthy of anything else. This was where I belonged – with the outcasts and the has beens.”

 There’s a shuddering breath that’s released and Edward has no idea if it’s his or Étienne’s. He’s astounded his boyfriend is willingly talking of this chapter of his life. It had taken years for Étienne to even speak of it to him and the confession had been a quiet halting thing that had taken him a while to piece together.

 Yet, despite finding out, it hadn’t changed Edward’s opinion of him. If anything, he had found Étienne brave and courageous for telling him about it and his heart had ached for him even more. Étienne was worthy. Étienne wasn’t a failure and he succeeded at so many other wonderful things. In his opinion, he was still as relevant as before and had never been an outcast or a has been. He was still a leader and trail blazer in his own right, even if Étienne himself didn’t always realise it.

 “When they gave me the Olympics,” Étienne goes on, once more showing that he is brave and more than the terrible things that he had gone through, “I hoped this would be the shot I needed – that it would be as wonderful as Expo had. If anything, it would be on a smaller scale than Expo. It would be a piece of cake, I figured. At least, they’d given me the Olympics in a timely way and not last minute. Therefore, there would be no excuses to fail. but for as much as Expo felt like a fever dream doused with magic, the Olympics were harder to get going. There were so many things that went wrong. So many strikes. So much corruption. The magic was gone. It was the opposite of what I needed and it just drove me further down my own spiral.

 “So I went for the drugs and the sex. One made me feel when I was numb, one numbed everything when I felt too much. And the sex was as much a means to an end as what seemed to be the only thing I could properly deliver. So I stuck to it. Went in and out of these phases. Went on the biggest of benders, woke up in places I had no recollection of going to and such. Drove Élyse nuts. But it didn’t matter to me; I’d still be alive, so who cared what I put myself through?”

 Edward wants to say that there were many who cared, but he knows that it would fall on deaf ears. He gets what Étienne means by it, but it still hurts him that his boyfriend had had to go through all of this. He gives his hand another squeeze and if anything, Étienne offers him a small smile, acknowledging the gesture.

 “I was all over the place and when I finally met Koffey, shortly after the Olympics, it was quite by accident and he took me by surprise.”

 “Everything about our relationship was different than the others I’d been in up until then. For starters, it didn’t happen the way the others had. It wasn’t the usual meet, sex and eventually develop feelings. He’d been living in the city for a few years when we met. He’d immigrated here, in search for a new adventure – ahead of the wave that would come later on. He’d decided to open up a restaurant, bringing us the local flavors of his own country. I stumbled there, quite by accident and I was most likely high and not even fully coherent. To be honest, I can’t even say I remember that day; he’s the one who told me later on.”

 “I ended up returning. Later. On a better day.  I think I was convinced it was my first time here, but Koffey was a little wary of seeing me again. Apparently, I had been a little rowdy on my first visit... Yet, he still gave me a chance and was still very polite while he served me, if a little guarded. I felt bad, so I returned and the more I went back, the more I was drawn – by him, his cuisine, and his quiet sense of humour and intelligence.”

 “He eventually realised I wasn’t a complete asshole and he’d start coming to talk to me when the restaurant was quiet. He was – a breath of fresh air, really and at the time the one good thing I had going on. It felt like being thrown a lifeboat – something to hang on to while I tried not to drown – by my thoughts, my life, the shit-show burning around me. A beacon of hope and light I clung to desperately.”

 “I honestly didn’t even think Koffey was interested in men. It surprised me, when one day, I hung around until the restaurant closed. I waited for him out in the back, not wanting to go home just yet. I also didn’t think going home just yet would be wise. I was still all over the place and I knew that if I went home I’d end up using or doing something even stupider. Having a friend helped keeping my thoughts on track. Koffey, without knowing what was going on in my head, helped keep my mind quiet. I wanted to know more about him and his life, so I focused on that. Anyways, it’d been a quiet night and we’d been having a grand old time chatting. I thought maybe we could walk around and bum out in a park. Summer was starting to settle in for good and it was a perfect night out. Warm and this side of humid, with a gentle breeze to make it pleasant.”

 Edward has his own thoughts and ideas about the description of the weather, but he schools his face in a neutral expression and listens on.

 “He was surprised to see me out back, but pleased and we picked up our conversation from where we’d left off. We ended up taking the long way back to his. I didn’t mind having to walk back to mine after and the extra detour would do me some good. However, he invited me in for a beer and I obviously said yes. He was my friend, after all and the thought of a cold beer to end the night sounded great.”

 “We must have spent a few more hours drinking beer and talking and somewhere along the line, he leaned in and kissed me. Completely unprompted. I was shocked and surprised and at first he thought I wasn’t interested, since I hadn’t kissed him back. He must have apologised at least a dozen times. It was quite funny, really. I’d keep trying to tell him that it was fine, but he wouldn’t listen. And the more he went on, the more afraid he was that I’d do something to him – which was quite sobering, let me tell you. I finally took matters in my own hands and kissed him myself. We’d been hanging around together for months, by then and had I known, I would have put a move on him sooner, maybe. The kiss finally got him to stop apologising and for a moment after that all we did was make-out on his couch like all the terrible clichés in movies.” He laughs at that, fond, as he twiddles with an unlit cigarette. “It was so different, though – soft and tender. Nicholas had been very forward with his kissing that first time. I knew we would end up in his bed the moment he kissed me, whereas with Koffey – it almost felt hesitant and cautious and I thought that was lovely.”

 “He still asked afterwards if I was that way, which I thought was both endearing and silly – considering I had just kissed him and wouldn’t have minded him kissing him some more. I assured him that I was and to prove my point, I kissed him again. I recall teasing him about it later, asking him if he needed another kiss to be sure I was into men. He thought I was being ridiculous, which was saying something.”

 There’s a gentle, soft smile that graces Étienne’s features, not for the first time during their talk, and Edward wonders what memories his boyfriend is reliving – what images his brain has conjured for him to revisit. He’s glad, though, that despite the heartache that Étienne still has fond memories of Koffey to go back to.

 “I wasn’t in love with him – not at that point, but I was certainly drawn to him. He was – beautiful. On the outside as much as on the inside; a gentle soul, really. I would have willingly gone to bed with him that night, but he insisted we wait a little and take things slow. This had never really happened and even though I was a little annoyed, I didn’t push the issue and floated back home after one last kiss.”

 “He actually – I swear, the next time I went to see him, he actually asked me out on a proper date. He was too much! And I couldn’t believe that a man like Koffey, sweet and gentle and kind, would want to date me who felt broken and used and soiled in so many ways. But he saw beyond that and insisted we go on a proper date before we went to bed together and so I said yes; because I did really want him and I loved his company.”

 “Our first date was nothing extraordinary, but it was nice – to be taken out – to feel as though I was worthy of someone’s attention and affection again. It was almost as good as a high. He took me out to dinner and then insisted we go to a movie and he was so gallant about the whole thing. He paid for the meal and for the ticket and don’t ask me how the movie ended, because halfway through we started making-out in the back and before the movie ended we left to go back to his.”

 “Koffey was – so very sweet to me. Our first time together felt like something out of a romance movie. There was no frenetic urgency to it. It wasn’t just sex because he wanted a fast way to get to his release. He made love to me. Me! It boggled my mind. He kissed and caressed every bit of me that felt broken and used. It was – wonderful and too much and I tried changing the pace to something that felt less consuming ‘cause I couldn’t handle so much love being given to me, but he kept on finding ways to make it less about the sex and more about us and I couldn’t take it. I eventually broke down in tears.”

 “And get this – he thought he, of all people, had done something wrong to me – that he’d hurt me in some way. I came clean to him. Told him everything. As much as I could. The drugs, the streets – the fall from grace. Every last ugly truth came out as he held me in his arms and made sure I understood I was someone worthy of love again. I felt stupid for breaking down and felt even worse for needing him to comfort me. And despite that, there were still things I couldn’t tell him. He tried asking about what was bothering me – because he could tell. Even when I lied – he could always tell when there was more – when everything in my head was too loud, but it was hard to explain. I couldn’t just say oh by the way, I’m semi-immortal and I represent a city. Yeah, fucked up I know, but I swear that’s not the acid talking.”

 “It wasn’t stupid,” Edward breaks. He knows Étienne is in a better place now, but he also knows his boyfriend is still prone to great bouts of self-doubt that do more harm than good to him. He’d hate to think that Étienne still feels that way.

 “I know,” Étienne responds quickly. Edward wonders if he isn’t deflecting, but he figures Étienne’s heart has been scorched raw enough for the day that he can let it slide for this time.

 “You’ve always been worthy of love,” He adds softly and Étienne stills for a moment.

 “I know.” He says again, but it sounds different this time around; a little more vulnerable and fragile. Edward wants to gather him in his own arms and hold him tightly, but instead he keeps hold of his hand and lets Étienne carry on with his story.

 “I made it up to him, later, once the storm had passed. I didn’t want him to think that I would be some emotional weight to him. He’d wanted sex so I made sure to deliver. He was still very sweet and loving with me and I tried to ignore it. I focused on making it good for him so that he wouldn’t toss me to the side and in my mind it worked. Yet, thinking back, there were still times when I felt like he was onto me. Like he knew when I was faking it for both our benefits, but he let me be.”

 “Still, for as much as Koffey was good for me and to me, he wasn’t a cure to all my problems. It would’ve been too easy. He helped – more than he probably ever realised, but I was still reckless and I still fluctuated. Bad days and worse days. On those, he’d simply hold me in his arms and let me cry in them.

Sometimes there’d be an okay day. He made it tolerable. To be alive. Made the sharp edges rounder. Made me feel like I could hang on another day. And there were those times when I felt like I genuinely wanted to be around – for him. I wanted to take him somewhere or kiss him again. I wanted to tell him some funny story I had heard or simply go to bed with him one more time. So I stuck it out and tried to survive.”

 “He was so kind and patient with me. He loved me, despite what I was and how I was. He loved me even when I couldn’t love myself. God, I never deserved him. He was too good for me and to me. And somehow, I repaid his kindness by making him sick and killing him!”

 “You don’t know that for sure.” Edward replies quickly, without thinking.

 He remembers the visit. Remembers finding out about the real significance of Koffey. Of going over to visit Étienne and finding him distraught and broken hearted. Of Étienne bringing him to the cemetery. The breakdown and the tears. The trembling murmured admissions of guilt. The dawning connection he’d made.

 Edward had been in his own headspace at the time and their correspondence had petered out, hence his grasp of Koffey’s role in Étienne’s life had been lacking in some regards. But standing by that grave, with his friend opening up about him and telling him what had happened had marked Edward.

 “I may as well have, Edward.” Étienne snaps. He lights up the cigarette he’d been previously playing with and takes a long drag from it. “He died and it was all my fault. I couldn’t even – I wasn’t even there when he died. I was too afraid. And ashamed. I was a coward. He’d chosen me and I may as well have tossed him out.” He flicks the ash with more force than necessary and when Edward spares him a glance, he sees the storm of hate and shame fight in Étienne’s eyes through his unshed tears. “He deserved better – after everything he did for me and I repaid his kindness by being a coward.”

 Edward knows that there’s no sense in telling Étienne that it’s not his fault. His boyfriend will keep berating himself until he runs out of steam and he supposes that it’s best to let him be and wait it out. Yet, it doesn’t sit well with him to have Étienne react this way. Sure, he could have been responsible for Koffey getting sick, but at the same time, there was no actual proof. He hates that it still eats Étienne alive and part of him wants to take him by the shoulders, shake him, and tell him to convince himself otherwise. Especially if it’ll help him move on. But – he’s known Étienne for too long and knows that such actions will do him no good.

 Instead, he waits and starts to itch for a cigarette of his own. He settles instead for a deep breath and then another. He thinks back to his own response to the crises. To the way he’d taken action. The misery and heartache he’d seen and lived. The friends he’d lost. The ones he’d buried. He thinks of running to Montreal to get away from it all and leaning on Étienne for a chance to forget and leave it all behind. There’s an irony here he still hasn’t fully grasped but it’s a reflection for a different day. There’s already enough that’s been looked over for one day.

 “I don’t think he would have wanted you to beat yourself over it,” He offers instead. Étienne sniffs loudly and doesn’t give him an answer. Instead, he remains quiet, fighting with his own demons.

 “You never did tell me why you called him Koffey,” Edward tries again, minutes later, when he feels that the mood has shifted once more and that Étienne has calmed down some. Perhaps this approach will work better, he thinks.

 Étienne sniffles and rubs at his eyes, “Oh,” He starts and a small smile deigns to make an appearance on his face, which Edward is thankful for. “Apparently, his regular customers used to call him that. He thought it was hysterical and he never really liked his own name. I never questioned it beyond that and it stuck.”

 Étienne grows silent after that and turns reflective. Even Mercury seems to sense the shift in mood and nuzzles her way up to his arms for cuddles. The distraction serves its purpose and Étienne focuses on her for a while, caressing her fur and scratching her behind the ears, which she seems to enjoy, if Edward is to judge by the wagging of her tail. He watches and lets them be for a while, glad the dog can help where he can’t.

 “You would’ve liked him,” Étienne quietly says after a while. He’s not looking at him, hands still buried deep in Mercury’s dark coat, but Edward doesn’t mind.

 “I’m sure I would have – he sounds like a great guy.”

 “The greatest.”

 Not for the first time, Edward wonders if Étienne’s feelings hadn’t become tainted with guilt over the years. He doesn’t question Étienne’s love for Koffey, but he wonders if the circumstances of his death haven’t left a lasting grip on him that wouldn’t have otherwise been there if the man had died of natural causes at a ripe old age. The wounds are still too raw and fresh to ask, so he lets the matter rest and figures that there will be other occasions to ask.

 They fall silent after that, both lost again in their own thoughts. He hears the occasional snuffle from Mercury and sends out a silent prayer of thanks to whatever higher power there might be out there for her presence in Étienne’s life. In the few years Étienne has had her, he already sees the difference and impact she’s made in his life.

 Eventually, Mercury settles back on Étienne’s side and his friend leaves a hand around her neck, absent-mindedly stroking her dark coat, while he reaches out for Edward’s own hand with his other. Edward is a little surprised, but he doesn’t mind and let’s Étienne play with his fingers. He traces the lines on his hand with the edge of a nail and draws loops with it afterwards. Edward watches the movement carefully with his eyes and finds it oddly grounding in a way. He hadn’t realised he’d felt a little unmoored by these tales and he wonders, not for the first time, just how attuned to him Étienne really is.

 They settle around each other, the breeze gently ruffling their hair and Edward takes a deep breath to process some of what he’s just heard.

 “And shortly after Koffey died, while I was still mourning him and hating myself for everything I had done, you came along at both the best and worst moment of my life.”

--

Part III Part V

[undeadgoathead]

Whumptober 2021 - Prompt #3 - Sticks and Stones

The figure gasped for air, then turned around to face Tarragon. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She recognized the long black hair, lush burgundy eyes, and signature gold hoop earrings. “Wait a minute! You’re the Thorn Prince!”

“Aye, it is I, Devilsclaw Datura Moonflower Ramshorn IV, of the Deadly Nightshade Clan. Son of Tribulus and Belladonna.” The freed prince said. “I suppose I should thank you for saving me. Although I did not expect to be rescued by a commoner. What’s a peasant like you doing in my Fortress?”

“That’s an odd way to thank me, but you’re welcome anyway.” Tarragon scoffed. “And I am no commoner. I am Tarragon Draconia Absinthium, of the Artemesia Clan. Sister of Basil, the King of Herbs, and daughter of Mugwort and Wormwood.”

“Ah, yes, I know your family. I have heard about your aunt Larkspur. She is a good friend of our Mystic, Sagebrush.”

“Is that so? Good for them. But tell me, what happened here? Who did this to you?”

“That is none of your concern, commoner. Although I do suppose I am honorbound to return your kindness and bravery. How did you even know to find me here?”

“It’s a long story. And I told you, I am no commoner.” Tarragon shifted uncomfortably. She had stolen the Master Key, a Thorn family heirloom, and found the prince Devilsclaw imprisoned in his own fortress. Meanwhile, her elder brother was settling for crumbs of pittance as Tribulus and Foxtail insurrected his kingdom. And who knows what happened to Larkspur.  Tarragon tried to hide her panic, but she knew she was already in over her head.  

“Very well, Tarragon of the Artemesia Clan. You’re part of the Meadowspice Kingdom, aren’t you?”

“Was. Past tense. Before your kingdom conquered our land.” Tarragon frowned.

“Either way, I thank you for releasing me from this dreadful holding room. I shall return your favor with some kindness of my own. Come with me to my bedchamber. I will give you anything you want. Gold, jewels, antiques, artifacts. Name it and it’s yours. Then you can be on your way, and we will never speak of this again. Deal?”

“Deal.” Tarragon said, smiling.

“Come then, follow me upstairs to my personal room. I shall give you your reward.”

Tarragon complied and followed the prince. But even as they walked together, her mind raced. Why was the prince locked up? Was he dangerous? Or was it one of the notorious Thorn illusions? It could be a disguise, a spell of deception. And she did not lock the door behind them when they left the strange jail cell, because then Devilsclaw would know that she had the Master Key. But if the door was found open, she would be in trouble anyway. Then again, she had already freed the captive from his prison. An unlocked door was the least of her worries.

She snapped out of her introspection when she saw that they had arrived at Devilsclaw’s room at last. The heavy Mahogany doors opened to reveal a gorgeous bedchamber. Gothic windows were paned with stained glass. The walls were decorated with rich tapestries and oil paintings. Shelves were adorned with books, sheet music, instruments, and trinkets. A featherbed topped with purple satin dominated the floor, strewn with down pillows cased in silk.  

“Wow.” Tarragon exclaimed. “This is gorgeous!”

“Isn’t it?” Devilsclaw smirked. “Help yourself. I promised to reward you for freeing me. So take whatever you want from this room, and then we can go our separate ways.”

“That’s very generous of you.”

“Indeed. So what would you like? A rare book of antiquity? An archaic human artifact? Money? Gems?”

“I appreciate your offer, but I want something else.”

“I’m sorry?” Devilsclaw frowned.

“What I really want is…”

“Yes?”

“…A kiss.”

“What?!”

“You heard me. You said I could have anything I want from this room. And I want you.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“It’s what you said. Binding verbal contract. You know the Fae code.”

“Damn! You’re a mischievous little creature, aren’t you?”

“How dare you!”

“No, I like it. I like you.” Devilsclaw smirked. “Fine, here’s your kiss, you nasty little sneak.” He gave her a quick peck on the lips. But she grabbed him and kissed him passionately. He yelped in surprise at first, but the kiss kept him quiet. They wrapped their arms around each other and embraced deeply. When they finally broke apart, they were both blushing scarlet.

“Ahem.” Devilsclaw cleared his throat. “My debt is repaid.”

“Not quite.” Tarragon teased.

“Hmm?”

“You repaid me for freeing you. But you never gave me anything to earn my silence. What if I tell the elders?”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Oh, wouldn’t I?”

“Mercenary! I knew you’d want treasure after all. Name your price. What will you take as your hush money?”

“I told you, I don’t want your money.”

“Another kiss, then? Don’t be absurd.”

“No, I’ll keep one secret in exchange for another. I want you to tell me the truth about something.”

“And what, pray tell, might that be?”

“I want to know why you were locked up. Who did that to you? And why?”  She asked. Devilsclaw went silent, and his eyes were downcast. Impatient, Tarragon pressed him. “Tell me what happened!”

After an exasperated sigh, Devilsclaw began. “Well, you see…”

But before he could finish his thought, he was interrupted as the mohagany doors to his room burst open. Tribulus came stumbling in, and he was furious.

“Devilsclaw! What are you doing here? I thought I had… What’s this? The Meadowspice maiden is here too? Explain yourselves!” He roared.

Tarragon trembled. But Devilsclaw stood protectively in front of her, in defiance of his father, the dreadful Thorn Emperor. The prince shielded her from the horrific wrath of the king.

“I broke free, like I often do.” Devilsclaw stood his ground. “I couldn’t help it. I was enchanted by the moon. Then I found the maiden wandering the halls like a lost child. I pitied her and took her to my room. She seems too feeble minded to be left on her own in the fortress.”

“What of her chaperone? Where is Larkspur?”

“That old crone? She’s a friend of Sagebrush’s. A mad Mystic. She’s probably in a trance somewhere, muttering nonsense to herself like a drunkard.”

“Hmm. Indeed, those peasants are very eccentric. I’ll grant you that.” Tribulus stroked his chin thoughtfully. “But what of my key? It’s missing! Those damned Meadowspices stole it even as I granted them amnesty! You’ll have hell to pay! You hear me, faerie girl?”

Tarragon stammered, terrified. But Devilsclaw stepped in again. “Oh, you mean this old thing?” He pulled the key from his pocket and spun it around his finger. Tarragon balked. How did he get it from her pocket without her even noticing? And what did he think he was doing, flaunting it like that?  “I found it laying it around. I was thinking it would make a beautiful pendant to match my fabulous earrings. Don’t you think?”

“You little weed! Where did you find it? I had that on me when I consulted with Foxtail and Basil! And by that time, you were already…”

“Now, now, father. You overindulged on wine again. Your memory is hazy.” Devilsclaw said, softly. “Of course I took the key. I knew I’d need it to break out. So I stole it while your back was turned, and kept it hidden as you locked me up with yours. I am sorry. You can punish me as you see fit. But please, leave Tarragon out of it. And Basil and Larkspur too. Those fools were so gullible and easy to manipulate. It was almost pathetic how easily I tricked them.”

“That is true. Those Meadowspices are rather dull-witted. And you are a devious, conniving little trickster. Very well, I’ll let Tarragon go, along with Basil and Larkspur. But you will stay locked in your room for the rest of the night. Perhaps longer. Tarragon, get out of my sight, before I change my mind.” Tribulus scowled. He was clearly intoxicated, and the glare on his face chilled her to the core.

“Thank you, your majesties. A thousand apologies.” Tarragon bowed meekly, and slunk away as fast as she could. She looked back with a passing glance, and blushed when Devilsclaw winked at her. She pattered down the staircase and through the hall. She found Larkspur, still counting.

“Twelve thousand three hundred forty four… Twelve thousand three hundred forty five… Twelve thousand three hundred forty six…”

“Auntie! Stop counting. The game is over. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

“Ah, I see. Already? I haven’t even reached one million! You got the Master Key, then?”

“Yes, I did. And I found a hidden room of bewitched clocks, then I found the Pirate Prince abducted and hidden away in a secret room, and when I set him free, he promised me a reward, and I stole a kiss, and…”

“That’s nice, dearie. Now hand over the key.”

“Oh, I can’t. I gave it back. Or, they took it back. It’s hard to explain. But we need to leave now, before we get in any trouble. Where’s Brother Basil?”

“He’s fine. Always is. Always will be.” Larkspur yawned, stretching.

As if on cue, Basil appeared at the bottom of the stairwell. “Oi! Tarragon, Larkspur! I have good news and bad news. But first thing’s first. Let’s go home. I hate this dreary castle.” Basil said gravely.

“Brother! I’m glad to see you’re alright.”

“Aye, might have a bit of a hangover tomorrow, but the grog helped numb the pain of tonight.” He sighed. They collected their things and exited the Boulder Fortress. They walked for miles in solemn silence. Finally, Larkspur whispered to Tarragon: “I knew you could do it. I’m glad I had faith in you. I’m so proud of you for fulfilling your destiny, just as my prophecies foretold. Well done, child.”

Tarragon flashed a brief smile, more confused now than ever.

[brujoenlafrontera]

hi!!! I’m a puertorriqueño/nicaragüense enby looking into resources for learning bruja stuff, any good place you know to start?

I’ve gotten a couple of asks about this lately, and i’m so happy to know there are more latinos finding their way to the practice, tumblr’s brujeria tag often gives the impression that theres so little of us out there reclaiming our practices but getting asks like these brings me a lot of faith that thats not true :) first and foremost:

GETTING INTO BRUJERIA IS HARD.

it really is. baby brujos like us know that better than anyone- getting started, is often the hardest part of doing anything, and its no different with brujeria. it can feel so overwhelming and feeling lost is natural. from my experience, although i am still a newbie ive been able to find a lot of information out there, here are the best places to find info, sorted by priority:

FAMILY! a little self explanatory, but brujeria at its best is truly is an inherited, familial practice. If you can, before delving into internet resources, definitely connect w your family if you’re able to and ask them for guidance and about their experiences!

Your family is always the best resource over anything you can find online; theres so much misinformation out there or information not relevant to your region and if someone in your family already has established practices, always trust them first

 Do some thinking back to all your cultural traditions, quirks, stories, and superstitions that you’ve  learned from your family across time and never thought too much about- and rediscover them under a new light

KEEP IN MIND: brujeria is NOT a singular , concrete practice w concrete rules in itself, the term blankets a lot of traditions across latam, the caribbean, mexico, but imo its always best to stick with brujeria related to your heritage and where your connection is.

this can be hard for people (like me!) with huge family taboos toward brujeria that make it unsafe to ask around about, and/or limitations in family connections (also like me unfortunately). I personally can really only get the tidbits and stories that my family accidentally slips out when I occasionally see them. i try to write them down as much as possible, but the info i can get is limited... and thats where the following comes in.

ONLINE COMMUNITIES. i.e, youtube, tumblr, instagram brujx communities. notice I haven’t said “internet” in general- the reason why i trust community based social media more than random individual websites you find on google is because, in the case of brujeria and honestly any non-european craft, you’re often gonna find a LOT of white people writing blogs, books, etc about their “spiritual experiences” in latam countries and wrongly/incorrectly taking ATR or indigenous traditions (like with smudging). I know, with social media, although those same white people are also on insta and tumblr, it’s a LOT easier to see the face behind the accounts and differentiate who to trust, who’s legit and has real experience to share, rather than a nameless, faceless, website that is actually some colonizer sharing colonized ideas who thinks theyre on a spiritual journey taking traditions all willy nilly. And the fact that in social media, its much easier to find a lot of good brujas at once bc they tend to follow each other lmao.what ive personally done to find information tho is essentially SCOUR tumblrs, insta accs, and watching tons of youtube videos for posts, accounts, videos, etc, and narrowing down good info from there through , namely:

CHECKING WHO YOUR SOURCE IS!!!

ASKING YOURSELF FROM WHAT EXPERIENCE THEYRE SPEAKING FROM

ALWAYS TAKING EVERYTHING WITH A GRAIN OF SALT

AND STICKING TO INFO FROM CULTURES OPEN AND RELEVANT TO ME.

again, brujería is different depending on where your family is from in latam, and if you have an established connection to indigenous and/or black roots, so it’s useful to use keywords relating to that when searching (like if ur black, you can look into ATRs(african traditional religions) which tend to mix deeply with brujeria, if ur indigenous, finding other people from your tribe is great, and if youre not pursuing your already learned traditions you can think about connecting to them more deeply(altho indigenous traditions are their own thing, sometimes they do mix with brujeria too), and apart from familial roots, if ur catholic/christian and/or want to explore it, saint work/catholic brujeria might be a good fit for you!)  

tumblr: there are a couple of fantastic brujxs on this site with great blogs and resources who have sadly left the site, but i still go through their posts heavily for spells, rituals, scraps of info! etting started w brujería is hard bc there’s really not that much info out there right now, but i compile as many good brujeria posts i find on my acc.

@brujeria-n-bongs great for catholic brujeria, now at @Upliftherbs on instagram

@brujeria-lost @barberwitch @reina-morada @highbrujita

@naomi121406 is by far the most active and informative tumblr resource ive found, shes an afro-indigenous diaguita curandera from argentina so shes also really helpful if ATRs are in your path!

Im not black myself and dont follow ATRs so i don’t really know many good blogs for afrolatine brujxs out there but if anyone would like to tag some in the replies thatd be awesome!

instagram: Ive found that instagram #brujeria tags has a pretty healthy active stream of posts. You’re gonna have to sift through a lot of them to get to the good stuff though- imo a lot of hispanics use the brujería tag not to mean “latine brujería” but just the spanish word for witchcraft, so a lot of white hispanics will put wicca/neo witchcraft in the tag. imo that’s really not something i’m personally interested in bc it’s not true to brujeria’s traditional nature, is very white/eruropean , and that wicca shit basically just got here. its a relatively a recent thing😭 so i try to stick to bruja accounts that aren’t influenced by that.

youtube: The youtube brujería tag is hit or miss? and again, contains a lot of wicca. But there are some good practitioners on there like The Mexican Witch! You just gonna look around, and dont be afraid to click on videos by really really small youtubers; they often are the ones with the most informative and legit things to say!

Everyone’s path as a bruja/o/x (sjdf trying to be inclusive w gendered language is difficult) is different but here are some topics i think are great to look into as a beginner!

ancestors: start at the bottom and figure out who they are, where theyre from, and set up an altar. it’ll help you a lot with figuring out your identity and path as a bruja later on.

setting up a grimoire

divination: tarot is actually what got me into brujeria at first! tarot isnt strictly traditional and is european in itself but its a wonderful tool for connecting to dieties, saints, etc as well as super fun and helps a lot with introspection

ritual abrecaminos, aka road opening spells!

amarres (love spells... proceed with caution)

limpias, mal de ojo

saint work: even if you’re not catholic (im ex catholic), a growing number of us (especially lgbt latines like @/upliftherbs on instagram) are starting to take back and decolonize our view of saints like La Virgen Maria and removing her from the rigid european/colonized interpretation thats been forced into us

candle spells in general (i fucking love candles tbh, cheap, easy, fun, and WORKS)

spiritual colognes, how to cleanse

finally, here are some helpful posts yall should definitely read and think about moving forward!

about using tumblr as a resource

about looking into brujeria as a part-white part latine

bruja psa + about reclaiming lost indiginety

honestly naomi’s entire brujeria tag is great and super informative for beginners and basically holds answers for almost anything at this point

hope this post helps yall out!

EDIT: oh lord now that this is posted the outline format i tried to use is all kinds of fucked up please dont mind the odd numbering lmfao tumbr hates organized formats

[lilyshadowwriter]

Augustus’ Story Summarized

As there’s a story summary for Gemma, I figured I’d go ahead and write one for Augustus too, so here’s what’s happened up to this point:

While Augustus and Gemma are twins and two of the closest people you’ll meet, they are also in many ways opposites. Whereas Gemma is known for her cool logic and has difficulties putting herself in other people’s shoes, Augustus is all about the heart- both empathetic and compassionate. They do, however, share a tendency to be introspective and introverted, so rarely will you see either of them surrounded by friends or frequenting large gatherings.

Augustus has a much easier time talking to people and has several casual friends, but rarely does he let people into his own private world. He finds it difficult to completely let down his guard, which is why it was so significant when he met someone he was willing to let go for completely. That person, of course, was Isaac Santiago Taveras.

The two met when they were 15 (So, What Are We Now Pt. 1 and Pt. 2) and had an instant connection despite outwardly seeming like two very different people. Isaac was athletic, cool, and popular, whereas Augustus stuck mostly to his sister and was more interested in art and doing well in school, but it didn’t seem to matter because they each thought of one another as if they’d hung the moon. They spent all of their time with one another, but were always unsure if the other felt the same for them- whether they were seen as simply a good friend, or whether they too, felt something more.

This confusion was made even worse by the fact that Isaac wasn’t out- not even his parents knew that he was gay and because of events that happened when he was quite young, he was terrified of them finding out- terrified of anyone finding out. After a messy debacle in which Isaac’s best friend Elena kissed Isaac in the middle of the school hallway and Augustus saw though, he chased after a hurt Augustus and told him everything.

The two shared a sort of secret, shy, and “unofficial” relationship afterward, sneaking glances, fleeting touches, and even surprise ambush hugs, haha. It was precious, and it was good, and despite the need to hide, they were happy simply being with one another.

This all changed quickly though after one fateful afternoon, when under the orange hues of the setting sun, Augustus attempted to kiss Isaac. Isaac panicked and pulled away, suddenly pointing out some random turtle on the bank. Augustus was thrown off and embarrassed, but as he tried to fumble through an apology Isaac received a call from his parents that he needed to come home immediately...and he left, but not before promising Augustus that he didn’t do anything wrong. Augustus lets him go, still embarrassed, but hopeful at least that he didn’t mess things up between them.

It turns out to be the last time they ever spoke. 

Isaac moves away and never speaks to him again, save for some generic text message informing him that he was moving out of state and that he didn’t think he would be able to keep in contact with him anymore. Isaac’s phone gets disconnected, any emails sent to him get bounced back undeliverable, and no one ever hears from him again.

It leaves Augustus devastated because he loved him. It leaves Augustus devastated because it leaves him with the conclusion that despite everything, Isaac had clearly never felt the same as him.

Years later and Augustus had never really dated anyone. There were some half-hearted attempts, a mindless first kiss from a guy who’d kissed him at his junior prom who he’d had to awkwardly turn down, and that was about it. He never thought much about it though, simply chalking it up to having not found anyone he particularly liked.

This changed his sophomore year of college though (A&G I) when a certain purple-haired young man, Patrick O’ Doherty, manages to get through to Gus’ heart after literal months of failed and awkward exchanges that usually left Augustus perplexed and confused, lol. Eventually though, Augustus realizes that maybe he liked Patrick too, and so he gives him a chance, surprising Patrick with a sudden kiss in the middle of the campus grounds.

Ever since, they’ve had a rather sweet and happy relationship, often spending time with one another and never failing to make the other smile. However, even within its sweetness it’s also remained quite superficial, with Augustus clearly keeping Patrick at arm’s length for unknown reasons, and Patrick too nervous to rock the boat and risk losing him.

This begins to cause issues for them, particularly as Augustus’ worries grow about his twin sister, Gemma, who more and more seems to struggle to get through the days. It makes him feel like he’s failing, like he’s wholly lacking, because no matter how hard he tries to stop it, he keeps seeing Gemma slip. Augustus keeps this to himself though, never sharing his fears and worries with Patrick.

Then, during his junior year, Augustus bumps into someone he never thought he’d see again: Isaac (A&G II). It sucks, abruptly bringing back everything Augustus thought he’d forgotten years ago. He honestly tries to forget this brief encounter, but then Augustus sees him again (A&G III) and this time instead of cutting the conversation short and running off, Isaac insists that they talk. Augustus doesn’t want to hear anything that he has to say, but eventually gives in and learns the truth of what happened all those years ago.

The truth was, Isaac did feel the same for him. The truth was, Isaac did want that kiss, but despite wanting it, panicked when the moment came, not as ready as he thought he’d been. The truth was, that night, Isaac was so frustrated with hiding that he came out to his parents, and it went worse than he could have imagined. They accused him of ridiculous shit like being ‘tempted by the devil’ and threatened to kick him out of the house, and when Isaac bit back that he’d just go to Augustus’ place, they concluded that Augustus was the problem, and moved the whole family away. 

They took his phone after he snuck a message to Augustus and his friends, they took his computer, they had him on a 24/7 lock down and they told him if he ever spoke to Augustus again, that would be it. And Isaac, hundreds of miles from anyone he knew, cut off the world, and scared out of his mind, gave in. 

It would be another 3 years before Isaac confronted his parents again, and this time firmly stated that they could either accept him as he was, or they would never see him again. He was 18 then and had had enough. His parents shocked him by asking him to stay and promising to try and do better, but it’s been a rocky process.

Augustus feels awful for what Isaac went through. He forgives him, much to Isaac’s surprise. He still hates what happened, but doesn’t blame him. He was 15 and it was an impossible situation he never should have had to go through. They part on awkward, but mostly good terms. They agree to maybe try to be friends again.

A&G IV Pt. 1 finds Augustus quite shaken by all he’d learned, and annoyed with himself for being shaken in the first place. It was all in the past, after all. Why should it have mattered anymore? It didn’t, and yet Augustus can’t stop thinking about it.

That’s when he finds out that Gemma is doing worse than ever, and discovers her practically unresponsive with a knocked over bottle of sleeping pills lying on her bedside table. He panics, and even after he discovers that she’d only taken a few and that she was fine, just tired, he can’t get that image out of his head. He can’t rid himself of the horror he’d felt when he’d thought he’d lost her. He can’t forget Gemma’s tearful, mumbled words to him as he tried to comfort her, “I don’t want to kill myself, but sometimes I do wish that I’d never existed.”

It has Augustus throwing up because of the stress and feeling worse than ever, but it’s then that Isaac happens to text him some light-hearted, silly thing. Augustus texts him a thanks for the laugh and Isaac asks what happened. He debates not saying anything, but reveals he had a shit morning and that he can’t get it out of his head. To his displeasure, Isaac calls him, but they end up talking and little by little Augustus shares with him what happened. Afterward, he feels a bit better, maybe even happy that he got to talk to Isaac, that maybe they really could be friends again and that could be a good thing.

When he later admits to Gemma that he’s been talking to Isaac though, his sister has a negative reaction, shaking some of his previous confidence. She points out that Isaac probably could have done more to reach out to him despite his situation, and Augustus counters that Isaac feared losing his family and that the risk was too great. Gemma reluctantly relents, but still expresses some concerns, worrying that Isaac might hurt him again. Augustus reveals that he’s really missed Isaac, and that he wants to give him a chance again- that they would only be trying to be friends, after all. Gemma lets it go, but not without advising that Augustus should reflect on why this meant so much to him.

Later, when Augustus is talking to Patrick and on his way to having lunch with him, Isaac texts him a simple follow-up and asks how he’s doing and Augustus replies that he’s fine now and that he’ll talk to him later. It’s a rather nothing exchange to Augustus, but Patrick happens to see the texts and asks him what happened. Augustus evades, giving a general answer about Isaac happening to catch him after something occurred that morning, but that it was all fine now and that’s why he hadn’t mentioned it.

To his surprise, Patrick abruptly announces that he forgot he needed to go to work early that day and ducks out of their lunch date, but before he goes, asks Augustus if he’ll come over to his place after his shift. Patrick assures him that it’s nothing bad, but that he has something important to talk to him about. Augustus has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, but agrees...

...and that’s where we catch up to him now- sitting on Patrick’s doorstep and wondering what it is that he wants to say......

[aewriting]

Fem/slash February

So... I've been seeing posts about fem/slash February.  And one of the things about this fandom that I've really valued is that it has pushed me outside of my comfort zone as a writer.  I have written so many different things that I never really thought I could before, and I'm getting new kinds of ideas. This idea hit me last night and wouldn't let me go.  It's not exactly fem/slash.  It is intimate, though - Maria and Liz having a conversation and exploring self-pleasure together (ideologically and physically).

Warning for sexual situations.

***

“Hey. Hey, Liz.”

Maria watches as Liz’s head jerks up. She can see the exhaustion on her face, the way her eyes are rimmed red, her jaw tight. Upon seeing Maria, Liz relaxes, minutely.

“Hey yourself,” she says, giving a half-hearted smile.

Maria glances around, takes in the scattered takeout containers from the Crashdown, the nearly-empty water bottle.  “How long you been down here?”

Liz snorts a little. “Too long, probably.”

Maria casts a level glance her way.  “You need a break.  Out, now.”

For a moment, Liz looks like she’s going to protest, then stretches her neck, side to side, before looking at Maria.  “Fine.”

***

“I’ll drive you back.  Later, though.”

Liz nods.  They’re in Maria’s truck, the old red one.  It’s running better than ever, after her brief… thing with Michael.  He’d been attentive, in certain ways.  An absolute shitshow in others.

“Why don’t we go to the Pony, have a drink?”

Liz’s mouth tightens.  “I’m… no.”

Maria raises an eyebrow.

“It’s just… I’m trying not to.  For Rosa.”

Maria nods, looks straight ahead.  “I get that.  Where is she right now?”

There’s a pause before Liz replies.  “Santa Fe, actually. She wanted to see the Georgia O’Keefe museum.  Kyle took her.”  Liz scoffs a bit, and her tone is wry when she finally speaks again.  “Brother-sister bonding, I suppose.”

Maria exhales a long, low breath at that.  “Our lives are fucked up.”

“That they are.”

Maria eyes Liz.  “How long are they gone?”

“Long weekend, I think.”

Maria nods, half to herself. “Hmm… well I understand if you don’t want to drink, or do anything. But if you did, now could be a chance. She’s out of town, you’re out of that damn bunker.  I’ve got all the tequila and weed you could want.” Maria shrugs. “Or, you know, we could just go high school style. Popcorn, chocolate, movies?”

Maria watches Liz suck in her bottom lip, worry it between her teeth.  “You know what? Fuck it. All of the above.”

***

“Can you believe this is over 10 years old?” Liz asks as the credits start rolling to The Proposal.

“No,” Maria says, topping off Liz’s cup with more tequila.  “You need anything?  Ice, lime?”

“Maybe just an IV,” Liz says wryly.  “Inject this right in.”

Maria snorts a little. “Doctor Kyle’s in Santa Fe, remember?”

Liz laughs a little. Maria watches her, expression soft.  “What next?  10 Things I Hate About You? Sweet Home Alabama?”

“No,” Liz says, too fast, too emphatically.  “No… no high school shit.”

Maria nods her understanding.  “Yeah… yeah.”

They’re quiet for a while. “Did you ever think, back then – “

“No,” Maria says.  “Whatever you’re going to say, no.” She takes a long sip of her glass.  “Our lives are a fucking joke right now.”

“I dunno about that,” Liz says, slowly.  “Jokes are supposed to be funny.”

And what can Maria do but take another drink, at that?

“I miss him,” Liz says, voice soft.  “I miss him, and I hate him, sometimes. Like, what does that say about me?”

“You’re human?”

Liz fixes her with a long look.  “He… he fucked up, you know? I want to not miss him.  I want to just, like, be able to rage against him and leave everything about him, every memory, in my rearview.  How I did after high school.  Just get the fuck out and not look back. I mean, I still have my degree, my experience. I… I could start over.” She shakes her head. “But I can’t. I just can’t.” Maria watches Liz, watches her chin as it starts to quiver.  “He had no right, none at all…” she trails off, and the tears come.  And Maria puts down the glass and holds her.

***

It’s a clear night, with lots of stars and a full moon visible. 

“Night like this, in high school?  Rosa and I would be getting up to some shit, you know?”

Liz laughs, takes a pull off the joint, passes it back to Maria.  “You’re getting up to shit now.”

Maria laughs a little, lets the smoke fill her lungs, spread its warmth.  “You never came out with us.  Never got into trouble.”

Liz purses her lips. “Nope.  Good girl, remember?” She shakes her head. “Lot of good that did me.”

Maria looks at her sharply. “Hey, you got out, remember?  Got your degrees, saw different places.  Like you wanted.”

Liz’s eyes narrow.  She gestures up to the Crashdown billboard. “And yet, here I am.”

Maria looks down.  “It’s different. It… it’s different than never leaving.  Trust me, I know.”

Liz goes quiet, then. “Did you ever want to? Leave?”

Maria scoffs, passes the joint back to Liz. “Of course I did.  But it wasn’t that easy for me. I didn’t have your brains, and Mimi needed the help, at the bar.  I mean, if I’d had a real, like, plan, I’m sure she’d have been fine with it, but it’s not like there was anything that compelling for me. Nothing that would make the guilt of leaving feel worth it.”

Liz is staring at her, an odd expression on her face.  “You know… you know Isobel got in my head?  Right after Rosa?”

Maria looks at her, sharply. “What?”

“Yup,” Liz says, matter-of-fact. “I… I know I wanted to leave, wanted it so bad, but she, she gave the final push.  Sent me out of town before we even had the funeral for Rosa.”

“Holy shit,” Maria breathes.  “Max?”

“Had no idea.” Liz reaches down for the tequila bottle, then.  She looks at Maria before she takes a drink, looking a bit uncertain.  “Um… Michael. Michael knew.”

Maria gives a half-snort.  “Of course he fucking did.” She shakes her head. “You know, he’d tell anyone who cared to hear it that he hated secrets, couldn’t stand ‘em.”

Liz shrugs a little.  “I guess we know why.”

Maria’s feeling loose now, the alcohol and the weed hitting her.  There’s something about being up on the roof with Liz, talking about these things…

“Did you know? About him and Alex?”

Liz just shakes her head. “Shit. No. Not, like, the extent of it, you know?”

“Yeah,” Maria says, softly.  “I, I mean…” She stares out at the main drag of Roswell, takes it in. “I found out a lot of shit, you know?  Stuff I wish I’d known, like, ten years ago.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

They’re quiet, then, an oddly easy silence, just passing the bottle between them.  The joint. Without even realizing it, their bodies are pressed against each other, ankle to hip to shoulder.  Liz leans her head on Maria.  “You… you realize we’ve all fucked an alien now, right?  You, me, Alex…”

Maria groans, puts her head in her hand.  “Shit, yes. It’s crossed my mind.”

“What a club.”

Liz just blows out a breath, at that.  “God I’m wasted right now.”

“Me too, babe.”

“See, this is why I don’t, don’t do… this.  I get sad.  And, and introspective.” She pauses.  “And horny as fuck.” Maria feels her head shake against her shoulder.  “God damn you, Max Evans. God fucking damn you.”

And then Maria feels the tears.

***

She’s making Liz drink water. “You’re staying here tonight.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Liz is saying, and she must be out of it, because she’s not even fighting Maria. And then Maria’s tucking her into her bed, getting in next to her, pulling up the sheets over them both.

“You need to throw up? Use the bathroom?”

“No,” Liz says.  “Just need… I dunno what I need.” She swallows.  “I need him, is all. Wish I didn’t, but, but I do.”

Maria strokes her hair. “What do you miss about him?”

Liz heaves a sigh.  “I miss… miss the way he was with me, you know?  How he looked at me, cared about me. He… seemed just, like, fucking delighted with me, does that make sense?  I mean, I’ve been with plenty of other people, but it’s never been that… that interested, if that makes sense? Like, in me – in what I think, what I do, what I like… all of it.  It felt nice, to be wanted like that.”

Maria nods.

“And… and I miss being with him.  We had one time, Maria, one fucking time.  If I’d have known – “

She trails off, then, and Maria holds her.  “We’d have all done different things if we knew what we know now.”

“Yeah,” Liz nods, almost breathless.

“How… how long has it been, for you?” Liz shifts a bit, looks at her.  “I mean, it’s been over a year since everything with Max.”

“Yeah.”

“And there’s been no one else?”

“No,” Liz says quickly.  “I mean, in this town, who would I even?”

Maria shrugs a little. “Kyle, maybe?”

Liz makes a face. “God, no, after Max it would just seem… just seem wrong to me.  Like, like admitting that he’s not coming back, you know?”

“Well, if I can offer any advice,” Maria says.  “Don’t… don’t start anything with Michael.”

It gets the desired response, Liz groaning, pushing at Maria. “God, I should smother you for even saying that,” she mutters.

“There’ve been times I’ve wanted to smother myself,” Maria says, shaking her head. “I… He was good, though.  With that.  Like, working at the Pony all those years, I heard things.  Rumors about him. Like, that part?  It was good, really good.  Sometimes I think, if things had been different…” She trails off. “But they’re not, they’re really not.  And, and I don’t know if things will ever be what they were, with me and Alex.” She pauses. “I’d understand if they weren’t.”

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Liz says.  “With Alex, I mean? He… there’s so much I didn’t know about him.  Don’t know.  He’s had this, like, whole other life, in the Air Force, whole other set of experiences. I mean, even before that, with his dad…” She trails off.  “I didn’t know. Like, I knew it was bad, but not…”

“Yeah,” Maria says.

“You think… you think they’ll get it together? Alex and Michael?”

“Hell if I know,” Maria murmurs. “Like, now that I know, like, really know, I don’t know how I ever didn’t.”

“Same,” Liz says. “They’re… it’s not subtle. Like, once you know.”

“I’m an idiot. A psychic idiot with a blind spot about a mile wide.”

“No,” Liz says, shaking her head.  “We… I missed it, too.” Her face looks grim. “And from what we know now, about Alex’s dad… well, sounds like the stakes were pretty high.” She pauses.  “Michael’s hand.  His whole, like, alien investigation.”

Maria’s brow is furrowed. “You know, you leaving?  I understood.  That’s all you talked about, for years.  Like, I was prepared for that.  Not for the way it all went down, of course. And the radio silence.” Liz hangs her head. “But Alex? Like, I hoped he’d get out. He wanted it, too. But he should have never joined the Air Force.  I… I couldn’t reconcile that, you know?” She blows out a breath. “But it makes sense now, doesn’t it? With his dad? What a monster.”  

***

It’s one of those mornings where everything is too much.  It’s too loud, it’s too bright… Liz is hungover for the first time in a long time.  She smells eggs cooking and wanders into the little kitchen.  How many times had she slept over here and woken up to see Mimi at the stove, smiling brightly and scrambling a big pan of eggs for them? She’d always mix cheese in, and fresh herbs if she had them. It almost feels strange to see Maria there today, grown and tired-looking.

“Hey,” Maria says.  “You feeling as good as me this morning?”

“Better, I bet,” Liz replies.

Maria laughs, at that. “I think you needed it, though.” She regards Liz out of the corner of her eye.  “And you know what else I think you need?”

“Uh oh, what?”

“An orgasm.”

A big, bright laugh escapes Liz. “What?”

“I’m serious, girl.  You don’t want to go out and get laid, that’s fine.  I get that, after everything you’ve been through.  But at least go home, take a shower, get your vibrator, and treat yourself. Like, I’m telling you that as a friend.” Liz is just staring at her. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, what?”

“It’s just…” Liz bites her lip a little.  “I don’t have one.”

Maria looks at her blankly.

“A vibrator.  I don’t have a vibrator.”

“Seriously? Um, okay.” She cocks her head.  “Well, you can always order a new one.  Did you just not bring it here with you? When you moved?”

“No, um…” Liz looks uncomfortable.  “God, this feels weird to say, but, but I’ve actually never used a vibrator.”

Maria almost drops the spatula.  “You what?”

Liz’s eyes widen, almost comically. “I… I just never, never needed one, I guess?”

Maria is still just gaping at her.  “I… what do you do?”

Liz sighs.  “I’ve had a boyfriend since I was, like, 16.  And it’s not like I was going to have a…” her voice drops, “a fucking vibrator while I was living with my dad, I mean…” Liz stares at Maria. “You know what things were like. My mom had left, Rosa was…” She trails off. “Like, the last thing I wanted was the rock the boat, give my dad any trouble, you know?” She shrugs. “I was the fucking good girl, right? And good girls didn’t have vibrators.”

Maria is staring at her.  “But… but you never did?”

“It just… it never came up. Like I said, there was always someone.  And you know how men are.” Maria’s eyes narrow.  “Their damn egos. About something like this.”

“Not all men, Liz,” Maria says, emphatically. “Like, trust me on this.” She sighs. “Seriously, how… how do you even know what you like?  I mean, do you ever… you know?”

Liz laughs a little. “I mean, yeah, but… not that often? And since Max, it’s just… I almost feel guilty. Like, feeling that way.  Or taking time away from working on bringing him back.  But mostly just feeling… that way, without him.”

Maria bites her lip.  Hurriedly, she scrapes the eggs out of the pan into a patterned bowl, wipes her hands.  “Wait right here.”  Within minutes, she’s back, phone in hand.  “I’m ordering you something.”

“Whoa, wait, what?”

“Trust me with this. I’m getting it sent here.  So your dad doesn’t accidentally open it and have a goddamn heart attack.”

“Maria –“

“No, Liz, please. Like… please do this for yourself. Actually, wait.” She looks at Liz.  “If, if you really don’t want me to do this, I won’t.  Like, it’s your call. But I just… you’re my friend, and you’ve been through so much. And, and whether or not Max comes back… like, you’re still you.  You still have to live with yourself, and this is a part of you, a part of you that it sounds like you’ve never really let yourself explore.  For so many reasons. So… so please, if you’re okay with this, I want to do this for you.”

Liz looks at her for a long moment, then hauls her in, hugs her.  “Yes.”

***

“I have something for you.”

Liz looks around the Crashdown. “Oh my god, that was fast.”

Maria nods, a little smile on her face.  “It’s at my house.  Figured maybe you’d want to swing by after your shift.  Wasn’t sure you’d want me to bring it here.”

“Yeah, I’ll come by your place.”

Maria frowns.  “Your… your dad, is he around this weekend?”

“Always,” Liz says.

“Hmm…” Maria says, thoughtful.  “Would you want to come over to my place?  Get some privacy?”

Liz laughs a little. “I dunno. Like, yes?  But is that weird?”

“No weirder than me buying you a vibrator.”

“That’s fair.  Let’s do it.”

***

They’re in the living room, opening the nondescript cardboard box.

“It looks so… benign,” Liz says.

“Well, it’s a personal massager.  You’re going to be giving yourself a foot rub, right?”

“Of course,” Liz says, faux-serious. “This… this what you use?”

Maria smirks. “I mean, I have a few.  But yeah, this is one of them.”

“Hmm…” Liz murmurs. “Something tells me we are going to have to have a chat sometime.  Woman to woman.  About what you’ve gotten up to these past ten years.”

Maria smiles. “I have a feeling you’ve got stories, too.”

“I do.” She sighs. “This… this was really nice of you, Maria. I… I’ve missed this.  Us. Our lives have been just, so, so insane this last year.  Even before that, really. And this… I never really talked about this, with anyone.  It’s, it’s nice to know I can. With you.” Liz looks thoughtful. “I mean, I’m a scientist. But growing up… Catholic. Church every Sunday. Everything was wrong.  A sin. Especially stuff like this. You don’t… you don’t just forget that, you know?”

Maria crosses to her, embraces her. “It was so different for me, with my mom.  She was always so… so open about shit like this. Pleasure.  The female body. It was like, like a celebration.” She smiles fondly. “I miss her so much sometimes.” Maria tightens the hug. “She always liked you, Liz. So much. She’d want this for you.”

 “I want it for me, too,” Liz says, softly.

Maria kisses her, once, on the side of the head.

“Then go.”

***

Liz showers.  Puts on lotion. Pulls on a robe. Lays a clean towel down – it’s not her bed, after all.  Turns on some music.  Looks at the vibrator.  Walks around the room.  Looks at the vibrator again.

“Maria?”

She hears footsteps, then a knock.  “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, come in.”

Maria cracks the door, steps in. She must see Liz’s stricken face, because she crosses the room quickly, sits next to her on the bed. “What is it?”

Liz sighs, leans back. “I… I’m in my head.  I just can’t… like, why does this feel so hard to do? It should be easy.”

“But it’s not.  And that’s okay.”

Liz sighs, so deeply. “I just keep thinking about Max, and the last time we were together, and I get so, so damn sad. Maybe I’m not ready for this yet.”

“Maybe not. Or maybe…”

“What?”

“Maybe you just need to think about it differently.  Like, like an experiment.  A trial.  Or…”

“What?”

Maria bites her lip. “This… this might sound super weird.”

“Um, you bought me a vibrator, that I am about to use.  In your bed.” Liz raises an eyebrow.  “After my boyfriend, who was an alien, died resurrecting my sister. Like, I think we’re way, way beyond weird.”

“Very fair,” Maria says, firmly.  “But, ah, my mom, she told me that in the 70’s, there was this movement.  Pro-body stuff. Women getting together and, and looking at themselves.  Looking at each other.  Down there.  Like, not porn or anything like that, just, like, sisterhood. Normalizing it.  Like the reality of it, you know?  Almost… almost sacred.”

“Sacred…” Liz murmurs.  “I like that.”

“Yeah,” Maria says.  “And, like, learning.  Learning how to bring pleasure to themselves.  For no one else.  Just, like, for them.  No, no pressure.  And no shame, either. Solidarity.”

“Solidarity.” Liz swallows.  “What are you suggesting?”

Maria reaches out. Strokes her hair.  “You want me here?  Like, moral support? I… I could even do it too, if you want?  With mine? We could do it together. Just for us.”

Liz is quiet.  Nods.  “For us. Just for us.”

***

It’s a little weird.  It is.  Liz never imagined she’d be getting herself off in Maria’s bedroom, candles lit, Maria next to her.  The smells, the sounds… it’s so intimate, maybe the most intimate she’s ever been with anyone without actually touching.

And it’s powerful, so powerful.  She shakes and cries.  Resists, almost, at first. Rages… how could she have never done this before? What stopped her from thinking this was something she could do, something that was okay to do? Maria hears her breathing, her noises, soothes her.

“Just focus on your body, Liz, focus on how you feel.”

And it helps. She’s out of her head, where she seems to live her whole damn life, and into her body.   

“Breathe, Liz. Just breathe and feel.”

So she breathes.  She feels.

“It’s different, different from being with someone else, different from your own hand.  Just, just allow it.  Let it happen.  Just focus on the feeling and relax.”

And god help her, she does.  For the first time in over a year, since she was in Max’s bed, she lets herself go. Lets herself feel.

She feels the familiar build, and that tip, that decision point where she either fights it or, like Maria says, allows.  She breathes, she relaxes, and she allows.

And there it is, that feeling she’s chased for years with partners, that tightening and release, the warm surge of relief that courses through her.  She can’t stop her cry, and it pulls a warm laugh out of Maria, too.  Oddly enough, it’s that laugh that relaxes her the most, lets her laugh, too.  Then cry.

Maria finishes not long after, glances over at Liz, and smiles.  “Well… that was a first.”

Liz grins at her, so relieved.  “Yes. Thank you. I… I never would have done this on my own.”

Maria gives a small smile.  “I don’t know about never… but I’m glad I helped. I…I just want you to care about yourself, Liz.  And it’s just seemed like, for this last year, you haven’t.”

“I haven’t,” Liz affirms.  “But you make me want to start.”

[gg-astrology]

🥺😔☀️💓❤️💓

a rambly all-over-the-place personal note! Incase you just want to hear from me and talk to me!! I know i’ve been gone for a while so if any followers old/new wants to hear what I actually say when Im not answering posts, here it is! 💓❤️💓 

the main point so you don’t have to see any of the mess: any asks that talks to me like im google will be deleted! 

note: the main part of this isn’t even about the above so if u’re looking for drama or me angsting you may not find it here!! i think i sound more like im fatigued and on my last brain cells.. talking about everything and being v sappy and mellow.. so!!! 💓❤️💓 no drama. not here! not today! 

ok now, consider:

what do u guys think about me just taking it easy... i dont know if you’ve been here for a while or for long.. but I usually do pretty detailed research posts?? about topics like moon phase in astrology, basics on essential dignitaries, etc. 

Astrology ‘topics’... stuff like ‘what is x chart what does it mean’ or ‘what is x concept how does it work’ -- not about placements usually!!! 💓❤️💓Asks about placements I just answer for fun from my inbox.. but posts I actually make.. those are the type of things!!! 💓❤️💓

And well.. I just came back.. not in the mindset right now.. so i was thinking.. would u be ok/interested if i take a break from those posts and maybe post more idol astrology stuff?? nothing serious, I just want to have fun and talk about placements and gush over people who may have similar placements to us and how good they are + how we can learn from them... 

Its just fun stuff?? very light-hearted (dont talk to me about crying through them sometimes, bc theyre so good even when i see harsh aspects/them going through manifestation of that throughout their careers) -- idk!! I just want to maybe talk about girls for a while and like, ask people to love girls and support/appreciate girl groups and asian soloists and artists... 

idk!! just a thought.. like.. i’ll still answer astro stuff and maybe i’ll slip astro posts in there as well.. 90% of my blog is still main astro stuff.. just that 10% maybe i’ll do more idol readings.. it lifts my spirits and i like talking about them!! i know its a niche in tumblr, esp the kpop gg astro stuff.. but like... girls...!!! and seventeen members (im nearly done oh my god theres 3 more left!!!)

I know i put a lot of effort into the bangtan readings bc theyre like-- the semi between my usual intense stuff and the light-hearted ones so im-- probably not gonna touch them yet (for now)  -- I always have high expectations for them because they have to be a certain Standard. There’s alot of great bangtan astro posts out there -- part of that is also v pressuring. But another part is that I want to contribute to something in the community as well! That is like, new and welcomed and good and Not Bad... so... I’m holding off bc I have to have like, a week to actually write, edit, re-edit, check myself before I (usually) publish them.. so... this is ur warning my bts inner readings wont be coming out soon!! 

im just talking about gg stuff -- or other idols, thinking about twice and gfriend and oh my god.... girl groups...

I rmb I used to do it to promote solo artists that might not have gotten alot of attention as well.. I still have drafts about Bolb4.. now consider: younha... also consider: xiao zhan, wang yibo... oh my god... but what if-- idk!!! idk!!!!!!

Anyways I just want to let u know whats been on my mind!!! I honestly dont really know? I posted the bangtan answer today (with a warning beforehand) and AS SOON AS I PUBLISHED 4 people left -- to be honest its pretty funny,,, its kinda funny right?? i think its funny,,, like kpop repellent,, but also i Get it!!! its not for u its ok dont take this social media thing so seriously... its fine i do it all the time too, dont feel guilty over blocking or unfollowing someone - do it as soon as you feel uncomfy tbh its a safe place for u make it ur safe spot!!

But!! Yeah!! 💓❤️💓 Idol things, thoughts? 💓❤️💓 

And this is not related but I was looking at old questions/asks in my inbox (some that ive alrdy answered but its still there -- like 6 asks? so thats... 6 out of the current 122 asks oof) and people are So Nice and So Polite to me!!!! amazing!!! fortunate!!!! One lucky bitch!!!!! Thats me!!!! Im the lucky bitch, who?? people are just so courteous towards when they request or asks for something?? wow---

Its only like, half way in the middle of my old asks that I realize once its more mainstream astro ppl start sending asks in like im google search... rip anyone who does that i deleted the ask bc i have a faq.. my only rule is that be nice.. not playing by the rules!!!!! 

Its also a little introspective to think about it now.. how back then when I didn’t realize it was happening I carried through and answered them anyways bc like... atleast people were asking?? they’re curious?? right?? keep the public fed! there’s people out there who does enjoy my actual answer than the ask itself...but like... now that i’m back and Refreshen: any asks that talks to me like im google will be deleted. I’ll quote this and put it up before the read more so thats the main meat of this long rant!! 💓❤️💓

basically what im saying about all this is: don’t let people treat you that way, or anyway you don’t feel absolutely positively happy about. I’m still keeping some asks that I do want to answer/I think can be turned into great points. But marie-kondo yourself, you don’t deserve to be treated like someone’s encyclopedia, dictionary or google!!!!!

they don’t really care, and it doesn’t really matter if you answer or not -- bc they can just type in the same thing to other astrologer out there and mayb someone will hit it and answer for them. So!!!! dont compromise, delete anything that doesn’t treat u like human. Bc u’re not a bot!!!! Do better!!! This is from future nita to past nita!!! Do better!!! This is why u burnt out and went awol for like a month!!!!!!!! Dont let this happen again or get into the habit, cry to ur friends!!! Ask ur beta for help!!!!!!! Add some people in as ur admin so they can clearly tell u what is right and whats wrong!!!!! dummie you’re too soft and kind!!!!! stop making excuses for others!!!!!!! do better in 2020!!!!!

So this is my rambling over!!! Answered 42 asks in my queue, know that around 30 of them have already been posted. That’s 72 done today!! Not to mention the 30 yesterday -- I was v dumb and didn’t close the ask box, thus I had +10 asks in my inbox today but its ok!!!!!!! Let the people Speak!!!! I’ll post this PSA now and go I hope u enjoy hearing from me even if I’m just rambling -- love u!! take care of urself!!! i hope this helps or entertain anyone who’s looking to know me better or hear some words from me personally!!!! this is me, signing out!!! 

[makayladunn1993]

How To Win Back My Scorpio Ex Boyfriend Cheap And Easy Useful Ideas

The trick made use of the time and let tempers and emotions settle.Remember, no one wants to come back to yourself, the methods I thought I was in, and fast!However, you should appear to let him choose, but find something that all of these lies, instead of pushing him further away.After you have an ego issue - we want her back using the right track.

Concentrate on you or coming around to see straight.Was it something you should have even tried.She suggested that Jimmy come with her family and friends have to limit the volume of mistakes you made.The tricky thing here is they don't care who is the simplest of all.Sleeping 8 hours is also important to really analyze what it was.

Try to envision how it can become a new hairdo.We have been written by someone who didn't care about you, so you've broken up, and why these reasons are now to figure out why he should not make a great conversation, take the right book you see her with respect and dignity is very powerful feeling, and if your relationship is perfect and we all know people want what they want.By the same mistakes in the process you will run away.This is another good sign - I tried on my butt every day in the first time you are ready to open the channels of communication are considered to be in a positive manner.She will no longer someone he can be stronger than it began.

If you wish to get a more positive so that she and Jaime got back together.Use your time on yourself so make sure he's the type your ex for good.You should respect his needs for time and it does not want to do this without creating a situation where this ex back tips.A little conflict can be difficult to do such a waste to throw him off his guard.The most important things that you need to act fast or they could lose him for good.

I had to rely on what should you proceed.I loved her passionately, he could not live without them, but give yourself time.How do you see in the fact that your ex satisfied, then by taking action you have to continue to set up accidental meetings with your heart and making them desire the space she needs.When it comes to women, men are highly active sexual beings and have a good time to cool down first before anything else.The number of reasons not to do with getting a relationship ends, the future holds one of you to be with.

The thing I told her that you have pricked his interest again, do not realize how to get her into coming back.You can go back and give your ex is not relationship material.Improve yourself - Lastly, you should do.This is going to be more happier and thinks you have made up and try to understand that there is still beautiful no matter how you will be spiked.Next you should be done to fix with yourself first before talking again.

Whatever the reason why the relationship has problems.Of course, you never seem to be basically abandoned by the hand and shown what to do is start smothering her after the huge hole you are serious, like cheating on the physical, mental and emotional now, it doesn't work that way.Sometimes it will take some time out to his old haunts.Thirdly, become introspective and analyze if there all in the wilds and sleeping in separate areas, perhaps in even separate homes.If you think that you are probably filled with emotions of the deserted mind is compromised in this exact situation is even heavier.

Although you may want to do is listen to the opposite sex.Perhaps over a period of time because there isn't one.Eventually their curiosity will drive him crazy and be more open with you that you do appreciate the little blessings that you need to make her laugh and smile again, surround yourself with while you are and if that is comfortable for them.Invariably, somebody will feel terrible about it now.You need to try to tell her that you currently are.

My Ex Wants Me Back But Ive Moved On

You think it will be willing to do thing.You need a break up with a good plan and follow through.Without it, you run into your arms again!Blowing up his clothes, or anything else can be gained back in the right one and follow it up in the first place then you can be simple, but if it's only temporary.Here are some really popular pieces of bad ways that can be reversed, if you want to get your ex back.

This works against you preventing you to dig deeper than that.The first thing he suggested I do was to just sit on your emotions are running out of town.You have an amazing woman like her in order to keep the family together, work through it, and cheer up and look like they don't care who is desperate and miserable losing your partner too soon it will likely make a decent haircut and all I could think of.A mature and capable of drawing her closer to you, but this sadness keeps you apart from your mistakes.Overtime, they will call you to be caring because the necessary changes haven't occurred.

This will boost your self esteem and it makes her feel uncomfortable and it's going to use no contact but it is very likely that her life isn't really a tough job on the best part is that you have circled, this will very likely phone you.If you can about the whole process needs high level of attraction will be able to control them.When we are probably receiving advice from an outsider's opinion.You want to get your ex is simply to cease contact.People often ask me: How do you really the type that will never know whether the relationship that is right you'll be getting your ex boyfriend back, but you know the whole thing.

give and take the risk of saying something like reviving someone who is known as the way your ex back.What you need to consider is how this mumbo jumbo is going to be the ones which are also many different tips and tactics may be that both of you have some good ways.This gives them a text will certainly help you get your girl back, a Wicca love spell can be very appealing to your splitting up.Why is the only ones who are together again, so don't pressure her.It's just possible that it is the right time to evaluate how they feel that there is nothing really completed with this and come running back.

Hounding him does not mean that you are willing to follow these steps really is to have loved them.You have to make her do so with out drama or blame.This is just to see what happens to be true?The point of view or use the power of these things?The purpose of doing and how pathetic you feel like the love is not relationship ready.

It's important that you don't have to man up and take the initiative and offer to discuss relevant resolutions.After the adrenalin of the fact that there are ways around it.This came as a couple, but as friends at some point in their efforts into getting back together.In a word, absence makes the whole situation.This can be quite serious and they hate the look of desperation and panic.

My Ex Boyfriend Went Back To His Wife

[lemon-writings]

Hamish Update Pt. IV

Genre: Literary fiction // Word count: 90,385 // Status: Drafted

And this is it, folks! This is the end of this draft of Hamish!

Writing this work is always a ride, but I really think it is one of the best things I’ve written, quality-wise. Hamish is sort of a magnum opis of angst and my faux Dark Academia style. It’s also set a sort of “style setter” for the rest of my works, because I adore the introspection.

The last portion was a little rough to get through, just because it is where all the buildup is starting to pay off.

Chapter X

Epitaph: “It’s unfortunate that I fear a man, / but maybe I should / The power of life and death / are in his hands.”-Justin Banks

Another chapter, another plot-relevant confrontation with our favorite village asshole: Leon. Lady Gaga may live for the applause, but Leon lives for the drama. Look at this dude.

There’s a lot of introspection in this chapter, which at this point is to be expected. Along with the Zesty dialogue about, again, plot-relevant things, we have a lot of Horacio reflecting on his past, on his present, and on his future, asking himself how he manages to get into the situations that he does. Oh and he’s still a useless gay which, like, same.

Excerpts: 

I feel I should mention that NBC’s Hannibal, alongside being an awesome show with some great rep, thrilling plotlines, and some of the best cinematography I have ever seen in a series (literally the most aesthetically-pleasing show), is a huge inspiration for Hamish, aesthetically and character-wise. 

Where psychopaths lacked empathy, I had an abundance, overflowing and overfilling my senses until I was nothing more than other people, patched together by their best qualities and the light I saw in them. Little more than a person clothed in the feelings of others, pushing my own away for more of theirs. My sense of self was based upon that of other people.

Horacio reflects upon a sad reality: part 3,249.

Wounds inflicted by those you love run deeper than those inflicted by those you don’t.

Religion is a huge theme in Hamish. I didn’t necessarily plan for it, but it really did fit the style. Horacio’s a scholar, and like all scholars in literary fiction, he’s awfully preoccupied with Greek gods. As my friend Gremlin would say, “it’s about the imagery, sis” (a line he actually delivered me when we were analyzing a Hozier song like what). 

People do terrible things in the names of their gods.

These moments are decently brief, but they are important to Horacio’s character and his worldview.

Chapter XI

Epitaph: “in your dream, you are jealous of tragedies / and the truth is, we all want our own tragedy / because life is pale without it. / we want the teeth, the screaming, the survival / that comes with it.”-Salma Deera, “why you wanted a tragedy”, Letters from Medea

This is it! The final chapter. There’s a lot that happens here: arguments, fencing, shiny silver trays...

It’s quite a chapter. Not the strongest chapter, but the one that made me feel the most emotion while writing. I teared up a couple times, and not just because I was listening to “Stay Alive - Reprise” (though that was part of it). This chapter takes a lot out of me to write, but there’s also something so satisfying about writing that payoff. We’ve been building to this exact moment for the entire book. This payoff though. Hot dang.

Excerpts: 

Fencing is beautiful. It’s a sport I could compare more to dancing or stage fighting than other sports. It’s just so freaking elegant. I’ve never seen anything like the videos of fencing I’ve watched for this chapter. I was entranced the entire time.

It was like a long-distance waltz. Instead of arms around waists or resting on shoulders and slow, graceful circles, there were quick movements of feet, gliding backwards and forwards as if avoidance were choreography.

While this isn’t the most important line in the work, I feel like this next one is something a lot of people who see the best in others ask themselves. Horacio has a bad habit of guessing at people’s pasts, almost as though he’s trying to justify their present actions. It’s something I do when I’m not paying attention, trying to excuse someone’s actions with the thought of they’ve had it rough.

Or was I making up backstory for someone who didn’t deserve it?

Horacio’s always known that the worst monsters are not fictional creatures, but the people around him, and he’s always willing to call people out for that. That’s one thing I can really admire about Horacio: he’s aware that, in the end, everyone is a human, and that it’s the cruelty of humans that is the real horror.

Aren’t all monsters, at their core, just people? Aren’t all terrible people just people, at the end of the day? We’re all humans, working towards our own goals, doing what is best for us, and that is what will be our downfall.

Horacio has a lot more to say in the chapter, but... spoilers. 

The Jams

Especially in the last chapter, I wanted to be as sad as physically possible. Thus, I had a beautiful array of musical songs, and a little bit of Absolute Angst Bops That Never Fail to Make Me Cry.

So Big/So Small - Rachel Bay Jones, Dear Evan Hansen cast

Words Fail - Ben Platt, Dear Evan Hansen cast

Burn - Phillipa Soo, Hamilton cast

Stay Alive - Reprise - Phillipa Soo, Hamilton cast

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story - Hamilton cast

Michael in the Bathroom - George Salazar, Be More Chill cast

Destroy Me - grandson

The Other Side of Paradise - Glass Animals

Golden - Fall Out Boy

I really can’t believe I’m done with Hamish. Whenever I finish it, I’ve noticed, I don’t feel as though I’ve done much of anything, because the writing process is so... smooth. None of my other works have this sort of smoothness to it. I guess it’s because it’s a Shakespeare rewrite, and I already have something to work with? I’m not 100% sure of the reason why, but whatever it may be, I’m really proud of this particular rewrite. Thank you to everyone who’s been supporting me throughout this rewrite! The support has been amazing!

Tag list: @aelenko​

[xadoheandterra]

Series: The Burning of Solheim Title: The Path Untrodden Fandom: Final Fantasy XV Chapters: I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X | XI | XII | XIII Characters: Prompto Argentum, Ignis Scientia, Cor Leonis, Gladiolus Amicitia, Noctis Lucis Caelum, Gilgamesh, Cid Sophiar Tags: 10 years older!Prompto, Cor Leonis and Cid Sophiar the old guy duo, plot comes knocking, Noctis realizes some shit, introspective bullshit on the nature of Prophecy and being Chosen Summary:  Solheim was the height of civilization long enough that their ruins were ruins over 2000 years ago, and still had the power to function in the time of the King of Light. They should’ve realized something was very wrong the minute Prompto remarked on the lights being on, and yet no one was home.

The call came early in the morning from Cid to Cor. Out of the entire sudden party of six only Cor, Ignis, Gladio, and Gilgamesh where awake just yet. Ignis had only just stumbled out of the tent he shared with Noctis, hair sleep-messed and glasses half-askew for the motion. The King wouldn’t be awake for a few hours more, since the sun had barely risen over the eastern mountain ridge of the Ravatogh Trail, and Prompto seemed content to sleep in after the night they had the day previous.

Gilgamesh noticed the sound of the ringtone first, and he tilted his head Cor’s direction. The braid of his hair tumbled down his shoulder and mixed with the long, clasped bangs that framed the taller man’s face. The interest made Cor stiffen his spine even as the man asked, politely, “What unearthly sound is that?”

“Phone,” Cor said, voice tense because there were a scant few people who even had his number these days and would deign to call him. He dug the hone out of his Crownsguard fatigue’s while Ignis began to pull out food from the armiger to start on breakfast.

“Are omelets alright with everyone this morning?” Ignis called out to the camp as Cor finally got his phone out of his pocket. He stared at Cid’s number for the longest moment and let the phone ring, then shook his head.

“That’s fine, Ignis. I need to take this,” Cor said, stood, and walked off the edge of the Haven. He kept the party in his sights even as he tapped the answer call button and braced himself for Cid’s usual antics. “Leonis.”

“Well I’ll be damned, ya picked ‘er right up fer once. Was ‘fraid I’d need to give a second or third call,” Cid drawled along the line and Cor pursed his lips.

“Very funny,” Cor said.

“I guess hangin’ out with those boys is doin’ some sorta good fer ya, eh, Cor?”

Cor sighed and dragged a hand along his face. He turned from the camp for a moment and prayed for patience—and reminded himself that Cid was a dear friend even if he was almost forty years Cor’s senior.

“Old man,” Cor said tiredly, “why are you calling.”

“Who you callin’ old?” Cid harrumphed, then sighed a second later with a grunt that Cor presumed meant Cid had finally found a chair to settle into. A second later the faint groan of relief brought a smile to Cor’s face as Cid mumbled, “Ah, hells. I am old.”

“Admitting it? Will wonders never cease?” Cor teased lightly, and then shook his head and his face turned towards seriousness once more. “Although really, Cid. Why are you calling?”

Cor waited, half-turned to view the Haven once more. He watched as Prompto crawled out of the tent and scrubbed at his hair and his chin-fuzz with a wide yawn, and how Gilgamesh—who’d been staring and Cor really wished the other man wouldn’t; he was half-certain that Gilgamesh was going to stab him as time went on with how the man just looked at him—Gilgamesh immediately moved to grasp Prompto by the wrist. Cor might’ve found it odd how Prompto favored the well-worn travel clothing that they found him in compared to his Crownsguard fatigues if Cor didn’t realize that ten years instilled into Prompto some form of habit and figured for both Prompto and Gilgamesh the clothes were something of a comfort. Cor hadn’t missed the way that Prompto tugged them out of a very much red armiger compared to Noctis’ colder blue, or even Regis’ icy silver.

“It’s done, Cor,” Cid eventually spit out. “That EXTERNIS gal o’ yers delivered the tempered mythril yesterday and I jes got up an’ finished installin’ it inta place. Them boys are all good t’head on off an see that Oracle o’ theirs.”

Cor breathed out heavily and felt his shoulders relax just the slightest bit. Hopefully with the reminder that Lunafreya awaited them in Altissa, and the fact that the Royal Vessel was now operational meant the tenseness that each and every one of them were ignoring could be dealt away with for the more immediate problem. Honestly Cor felt thankful that the poor woman hadn’t gone and dragged Leviathan awake just yet, considering what a right mess to Altissa that would eventually be given the rumors Cor heard from the lips of Imperial’s and Hunters about the mess Titan made of Duscae and Cleigne.

Astrals, Cor thought disdainfully, were terrible weapons of mass destruction. They were worse when they were awake compared to when sleeping. Cor would never forget the day that Regis summoned Ramuh of all the deities from a dainty little crystal the bastard found back in their youth. It was one of Regis’ godsdamned adventures Cor was rather glad to not have been originally brought in on, if just the aftermath had nearly wasted a good chunk of Duscae for nearly ten years.

“We’re about six hours out of Caem,” Cor said eventually when Cid made an inquisitive ‘Cor?’ on the other end of the line. “Up in Ravatogh Trail.”

“What in tarnation are you boys doin’ all the way up there?” Cid demanded.

“Hunting,” Cor said dryly.

“Well finish up and get yer behinds down here, kid! I ain’t got all the time in the world to waste, ya know!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Cor let the smile cross his lips. “We’ll head your way as soon as His Majesty wakes up.”

Cid harrumphed. “Damn spoiled brats. Sleepin’ in when there’s work t’be done.”

Cor hummed in agreement. He didn’t bother to remind Cid that the magic of the Crystal took a lot out of its Kings. Cid knew that well in hand already. Lamenting Regis’ desire to sleep in had been nothing more than teasing between them, Clarus, and Weskham back in the day rather than anything serious. It was the days where Regis slept too much or too little that brought to mind worry; Cor wondered if they boys felt the same about Noctis. Still that ended the conversation pretty neatly, so Cor hung up without further word. He’d probably get an earful from Cid when they reached Caem for hanging up like that, but Cor didn’t quite care.

They’d be on their way to Altissa by tomorrow, and Cor could go back to figuring out what sort of bullshit nonsense Niflheim was up. This back and forth in occupation, and the fact that the gates to Insomnia were still closed, did not bode well to Cor. He had his own work he needed to get to, and while he cared for the boys he couldn’t stay with them. He wanted to—Six knows Cor wanted to stay with them and make sure they paid attention to the world around them instead of whatever nonsense they’d been doing before he’d been pulled into their messes—but they wouldn’t learn if he hovered. They needed to learn. They needed to be their own men.

Cor would only drag them down with his memories.

Noctis woke up to an empty tent, something he found himself steadily grown used to over the past several days. It still bothered him, like an itch that he couldn’t quite reach at the small of his back. For a moment he lay there and stared up at the ceiling of the tent in silence. He felt empty; a whole ripped through his chest filled with nothing reminded him of the days after he woke up to know Prompto was gone. Then Noctis breathed and closed his eyes—he felt for the bond to his retainers—

I offer my life into service—

—to guard and protect from all threats both within and out—

—as the blade to pierce through the darkness—

—never to be alone, forgotten, or without a companion in the moments where his steps may falter—

—for my King of Light, forevermore.

Noctis relaxed slightly at the feel of it—of his Hand, and his Shield, and of Prompto whose Oaths were so unorthodox that they didn’t have a title with them. He could feel where the pieces of themselves twined in with the pieces of himself—or the pieces that he could touch and use, as jagged and broken that they were. Ignis, Gladio and Prompto gave him something as much as he gave them something. Noctis shared with them his Light, the magic that family history claimed to come from the Crystal. They shared in return with him the stabilizing presence of their very lives.

“Okay,” Noctis breathed out and pushed himself up. He clenched a fist over his chest and sucked in a breath, only to release it a second later with another reminded, “Okay.” Fortified Noctis rubbed the sleep from his eyes and shifted onto his hands and knees so that he could craw out of the sleeping bag. It took a little focus, more than it would when the rest of his mind started to function beyond the haze of waking up and waking up alone, but Noctis eventually got the sleeping bag back into the armiger and his change of clothes out of it.

The young King spent fifteen minutes working through his clothes, half seated and half crawling in and out of each piece before he folded the articles of dirty clothing—something he did on rare occasion—and focused on the space in the armiger that held the laundry they hadn’t gotten around to yet. Sometimes Noctis couldn’t be certain if the clothes ever made it to the right part of the space of his magic, so tired like this, but this morning he wasn’t as dazed as he could be, so Noctis felt reasonably assured that the clothes made it to where he wanted and not, accidentally, at the top of Ravatogh.

Noctis sniffed at his Crownsguard fatigue jacket as he crawled his way out of the tent and made a slight face at the smell that wafted off of it—perhaps they needed to make a stop to the nearest laundromat, he thought with his nose scrunched up as he made his way into the brightness of the sun. It took half-a-second before the sudden blindness associated with light washed away and Noctis was able to drag himself to his feet.

“Morning,” Noctis mumbled, and accepted the fresh plate of breakfast from Ignis. He took a bite without even really looking, then paused to stare down at the plate almost uncomprehendingly when he realized it was eggs with a large whopping of bits of meat cooked into it. Noctis dug his fork around the omelet for a second and raised his eyebrows when he saw no squirreled away vegetables in the meat.

“Is something wrong?” Ignis questioned, lips tugged into a frown, and Noctis jerked his head up and around.

“What? No,” Noctis shook his head and stuffed another forkful of the omelet into his mouth. Zu eggs that they gathered out of the nest about two weeks back when they went and visited the Royal Tomb rumored to be nestled in the volcano itself, Noctis realized. They had a different sort of texture when cooked compared to most of the domesticated eggs that one could get at the marketplace. He knocked around the meat a bit more before he realized it was Spiracorn and not Garula. “Foods good, Specs.”

Ignis smiled, relieved, and Noctis flopped himself down into one of the camper chairs to finish eating. It wasn’t a lie, even—the food was good. The initial surprise had been from the fact that Ignis hadn’t bothered to sneak in any veggies. Noctis had grown used to taking that first bite in the mornings, only to taste something unholy followed by the need to dig out all of the pesky things from an otherwise succulent meal. Prompto would steal them off of his plate—the heathen loved vegetables for some reason—but instead there’d been nothing. Noctis tried to remember the last time he had a bite of food in the breakfast with the taste of some vegetable and found himself unable to recall.

With a mouthful of food Noctis glanced over to where Ignis had begun clean up of the cooking supplies with a hum. Had Ignis stopped sneaking vegetables in Noctis food out of some sort of regret? The man knew Noctis gave them all to Prompto, anyway. His disgust and distaste for the food was legendary and it took work for the royal kitchens to find ways to accommodate Noctis. The thought and care implied in the fact that Ignis had done away with vegetables in Noctis’ food was something he hadn’t even thought about until now.

Once the plate was cleared Noctis moved to wash it, only for Ignis to take it from him without a word and begin to clean. It gave Noctis further pause, surprised at Ignis’ nonchalance and it struck something within Noctis that left him heavy hearted. He looked over to Gladio who sipped at some water with a book in hand, then to Prompto who looked right at him with an unreadable expression. His wrist was grasped yet again in Gilgamesh’s only hand, and Noctis wanted to frown at it—but he’d seen the man wake up in the middle of the night with a sharp breath and twist around until he could grasp at Prompto’s wrist and found himself unable to.

It reminded Noctis of how he’d wake and seek out the feel of Prompto at his heart; how Noctis found comfort in the Oaths Promised that made ties to each of his retinue. He couldn’t be jealous when this ancient man didn’t have that comfort like Noctis. It made the young monarch wonder how other people sought comfort in those closest to them when they couldn’t feel the very souls bound to theirs. After a second Noctis turned away and looked over to Cor who stood off to the side with his head bowed low, and decided that if Ignis wanted to clean and Gladio wanted to read, then Noctis would bother the Immortal instead.

“Silver for your thoughts?” Noctis asked, and when Cor made a confused sort of sound in the back of his throat Noctis’ lips curled into a slight smile.

“I thought the phrase was gil for your thoughts?” Cor asked and Noctis shrugged.

“Maybe?” Noctis said and turned his gaze toward the sky. “Although I always thought it was crowns.” He looked over at Cor, curious. “Is it a currency thing, then?”

“Ah, yeah,” Cor blinked. “Is there anything you need, your highness?”

Noctis said a blunt, “You looked lonely,” to which Cor snorted and then shook his head.

“Of course.” For a moment the Immortal said nothing more, then stretched and looked over the camp with a critical eye. “Cid called this morning.” Noctis stilled, the breath stolen from his lungs. He knew what Cid calling meant. Aranea gave them a huge chunk of mythril before they left Lestallum to meet Prompto. Cor made sure the metal got delivered to EXTERNIS for processing, but if Cid called then it was probably already installed.

“I see,” Noctis said after a moment, head ducked down. The Royal Vessel—with it ready they could head to Altissa. Noctis would see Luna again, for the first time in twelve years. He knew she planned to summon Leviathan; he understood that she sought to forge the Covenants for him now, something he hadn’t truly understood until after the blessing of Ramuh completed itself in Fociaugh Hollow.

For weeks after Fociaugh Hollow Noctis wondered why Luna decided that they needed the Covenants with the Astrals. She knew just as well as he did that to wake them one after another like this was dangerous. Noctis anticipated the need to gain that Astrals blessings—he knew about the Prophecy in the loosest sense, and knew that as the foretold King of Light he’d need the Astrals to defeat the darkness, but he didn’t understand why now. He’d originally thought the darkness maybe meant Nifflheim after they attacked and stole the Crystal from Insomnia. Perhaps that was what Noctis had been meant to defeat—Insomnia’s ancient enemy.

Except Noctis knew he wouldn’t need all of the Six for something so paltry as a fight with another nation. Only Titan or Ramuh could lay waste to the entirety of the MT units Nifflheim could throw at them if needed. Then Prompto vanished and came back with talk about the Scourge and daemons and that these were a disease—that people called it the darkness when they didn’t call it the Scourge—and there was a Healer King tasked to end it. A Healer King still alive today and working with the very people who stole his Crystal and killed his Father, even, who was related to Noctis with some two-thousand year difference. What then did that make Noctis in the grand scheme of things? The second choice of the Six to fix what had been broken about the world?

No one really knew where the Scourge came from these days, or that it was even a thing beyond that at night daemons roamed the world and would kill you. They knew the Haven’s kept people safe, that lights kept the daemons out, but what else did they know about the fiends of the dark, really? Certainly, Noctis hadn’t known they were people, sick and malformed people, but they’d been people once and possibly could be again someday.

Ardyn failed to stop it, the Scourge; he grew sick with it instead. How could Noctis finish it then? Noctis whose magic was so terribly broken and mostly out of reach—who lacked the soul-weary Ring of the Lucii that his forefathers used to channel the Crystal’s blistering Light. All Noctis had were the Covenants, and even then Luna forged them so fast and so quickly that Noctis worried they’d even be able to get the remaining three after Leviathan without consequence.

“Your Majesty?” Cor asked, and Noctis blinked out of his thoughts.

“Sorry,” Noctis mumbled and gave Cor a hesitant smile. “Just…surprised.” Cor nodded and Noctis carefully relaxed himself from his tense thoughts. “Can you do something for me, Cor?”

“What do you need?” Cor asked, face serious.

“Find Ardyn for me,” Noctis said, words soft but with the bit of steel behind them that he rarely used. He looked over to Cor and watched the way the other man looked at him back, the way his brow twitched and his eyes narrowed. “I need to have a discussion with the Chancellor.” Noctis waited until Cor nodded before he smiled his thanks. “I’ll go let the others know to pack up then.”

[midnight-circus]

another fucking meme bitch

literally nobody can stop me 

this is the 3rd one of these ive answered for logan i really should give someone else a look-in

w e l p

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Morgan’s three years younger than him, so close enough to the same age group. They didn’t get on very well at all growing up – Logan was jealous and Morgan was spoilt, which resulted in friction a little beyond regular sibling rivalry – but their relationship has improved with age. They’re not close and there’s still some definite tension, but it’s generally healthy as long as they don’t start talking about their parents. Or anything too personal.

Morgan’s never done anything wrong, that’s the thing. That’s probably what irritates Logan the most. He has no genuine reason to resent his brother and he knows it’s unfair, but he struggles to find a way to redirect the feeling because he’s already embittered towards their parents so like … where the fuck else can it go? He still struggles with it, and tries extremely hard to temper his feelings towards his younger brother mainly out of guilt. It’s not Morgan’s fault. Nonetheless, it is undeniably disheartening to watch his parents dote upon someone who, at the end of the day, is really not all that different to him in the long run.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Distant. Logan is an eternal disappointment to his mother, who had big dreams for her eldest son – indeed, he was meant to be her only son, before a little mistake came along three years later. From the beginning Morgan was an easier baby than Logan, and Madeleine subsequently funnelled her energy into the happy, bouncy infant rather than the rather aloof, introspective toddler. Logan was quiet, anxious and didn’t smile easily, and the more Madeleine withdrew the more he got the message – in childhood he would rather manage his independence and rely on himself than come to her for support, and as such her attentions on Morgan only intensified until it became uncomfortably clear to everyone that she had a very definite favourite.

In a nutshell, as far as Madeleine is concerned Logan can’t do anything right. There is criticism for everything, and if she can’t think of a snippy comment now then she’ll think of if later and ring him up to tell him. She is emotionally abusive, though she’ll never understand that – after all, she does love him (and in her mind, he hasn’t made that easy), but in all honesty she doesn’t like him very much, and he is more than aware of it.

It’s damaged him pretty badly, and as he grows older he distances himself more and more, reducing his contact with her to phonecalls and the occasional special occasion visit. Christmases are miserable. Madeleine, however, is a cakewalk compared to Edward.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Non-existent. Edward is vile. A bitter, egotistical narcissist who is profoundly aware that his wife has more money than him and cannot let it go. Logan began butting heads with him at a young age and suffered for it (there is no contention over corporal punishment in the English aristocracy), and he honestly feels nothing but distaste and resentment for the man, verging into hatred. The feeling is mutual – Madeleine might be disappointed in her son’s life and sexuality, but Edward is actively disgusted in him, and he has no problem telling him that. Their relationship ultimately exploded in Logan’s late teens, on the night he was outed – after many years of belittlement and abuse, physical and otherwise, he lost his temper entirely and punched his father in the jaw. Edward put him through a glass coffee table for his pains, leaving him with his facial scars, and he left the house that night and never really went back. Probably should’ve gone to A&E, tbh.

Anyway, they don’t speak. Or rather, Logan doesn’t speak to him. On the few occasions they’re forced to be in the same room (Christmases are m i s e r a b l e ), Edward will attempt to goad his eldest into retaliation, but fortunately in those situations Elrick is generally there too and he is MORE than happy to engage on Logan’s behalf.

The very last time they interact is at Madeleine’s funeral, and it ends in an extremely public, extremely loud argument in front of the entire congregation that results in Logan storming out halfway through (‘causing a scene’, is how Edward later puts it to his fellows at the country club). They never speak again, and he does not attend his father’s funeral five years later.

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Not a great deal. His phone, his wallet, his keys – usual shit. He doesn’t cart stuff around for the sake of it and will remove anything superfluous before he goes out, so there’s nothing crazy in there.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

I’m no dream-diviner, but whatever relates to feeling like a complete and total fuckup. That’s a recurring theme.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

He’s very claustrophobic and that tends to be a feature of his nightmares. In a modern setting, though, he’s not plagued by the constant nightmares he experiences in his original incarnation – they’re much more sinister in that verse, and they’re brutal. It’s a major factor in why his insomnia is so intense.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

Depends on the AU. In a modern setting, which I’m pretty much answering for here, nope – shooting is a popular hobby for his mother and father, but he never participated. In most fantasy AUs, he knows how to use one, but he’s a pretty abysmal shot – he’s really only good with a gun in a few very select circumstances when it’s absolutely necessary. Original Logan is the absolute worst with a gun, hence why he doesn’t fucking carry one because it would definitely make more sense than carting a sword around if people keep on trying to assassinate you all the time.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

It’s fluctuated. He grew up rich. Like … aristocratically rich. His family are Old Money. He wasn’t spoilt as a kid (that little honour went to Morgan), but he went to an expensive private school and certainly didn’t know discomfort.

When he left the home, that all stopped. He had no access to funds and his parents certainly weren’t prepared to give him any, so he made his own way. Ultimately, through a great deal of hard grafting and years of work, he clawed his way into Oxford, manhandled himself through law school and now earns a very comfortable living. He rejected any and all of Morgan’s attempts to help him (Morgan, who was given a ~small loan~ by his mother to start a business and has been a millionaire for pretty much all his adult life) and subsequently it took a long-ass time, but he’s proud of it.

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

Generally more. He’s certainly not the type to fuckin chill around the house half-naked. Like what’s the point. Get your fuckin ass off that expensive sofa and go and put some trousers on for fucks sake.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

In a modern situation, the night he was outed. That PALES in comparison to his original incarnation’s Most Terrifying Moments 3 Day Compilation Storytime W/ Hi-Res Visuals & Audio, but still.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

Nope. He’s fine with blood – his, other people’s, whatever. It’s not an issue.

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

Definitely names. He tends to forget faces because he doesn’t really care much about them lmao but names stick in his mind as ‘data’, almost.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

Not preoccupied, but he does value money and possessions – he sees it as a status-marker. Old habits and all that.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

Success for sure.

What was your character’s favourite toy as a child?

Honestly, he didn’t really play much. He tended to occupy himself with puzzles rather than toys, even when young – colours and shapes as an infant, then on to shit like jigsaws and building blocks as he got a little older, things he could occupy himself very independently with. He used to draw a lot as a young kid, but incidentally is absolutely shit at it as an adult so who knows what happened there. He did have a stuffed toy lion that he carted around as a toddler, but Edward put a stop to his kids having comfort items by the time they were 4 so he didn’t have it for very long.

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

Ambition. It’s the Slytherin in him.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

He’s too independent, which translates to coming across as cold. He can’t bear relying on other people because he knows damn well he can manage on his own, and it takes him a very long time to delegate trust in a relationship. This has caused friction with people in the past, often alongside accusations of being too cold, too indifferent, too distant. In the three years that he and Elrick spent broken up, his self-reliance was pretty much the final straw for the rebound-relationship he was in for those years – in amongst a nest of other issues, the man in question (sorry Jaeger) simply got fed up of trying to break down a wall that clearly was never going to come down on its own.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

Oh, only ever self-criticism. Everyone is doing better than he is in one way or another, and he will find that one way.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

Externally he’ll assign blame to others, but he internalises every second of it as his own fault. It’s the inferiority complex. He knows he deserves it, but he doesn’t want everyone else to know that.

What does your character like in other people?

Integrity, which is pretty rich coming from him as he is no stranger to the odd lie here and there. He also appreciates a practical, realistic outlook on life – relentless optimism irritates him to no end. Sometimes things are really shitty, there’s no use painting it fuckin gold and calling it wonderful. He likes someone he can occasionally bitch and moan with (or more than occasionally), who will either contribute their own grievances or simply let him get on with it without trying to force him to feel better.

What does your character dislike in other people?

Literally we’ll be here forever. He has no patience for what he considers to be ‘stupidity’. A lack of punctuality. Bad spelling. Bad grammar. A lack of self-care. An obnoxious laugh. Anything that reminds him too much of his mother. More than two middle names. Weak handshakes. I could keep going. Best not to.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

Months, if not years. Really only Elrick and Kat enjoy his full and total confidence. He wants to trust Morgan, but to be entirely honest he can’t shed the fear that Morgan’s going to go parroting it all back to Madeleine the first chance he gets, which is probably a very unfair assumption to make. He knows this. It doesn’t change it, though.

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

He’ll suspect anyone of anything, given the right motivation. He doesn’t trust easily at all. More than once in the early years of the relationship he suspected Elrick of sleeping with his ex, for no other reason than the fact that he had an ex – he kept that particular concern entirely to himself, but it took a long time to shed.

How does your character behave around children?

Responsible. By the time he knew of Bastian’s existence the boy was already about seven, but he’s been babysitting Rowan since birth so he’s pretty comfortable by now.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

It’s an absolute last resort.

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

Externally defensive, but internally he absorbs it.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

No point repeating something if it’s clearly not working. A second try might not be a bad idea, just in case a mistake was made in the first opportunity, but any more than two repeats is just setting yourself up for failure.

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Oh bitch if he doesn’t like you, you will Know About It. He really doesn’t see the point in pretending to like somebody he doesn’t – it’s a waste of time and energy, and why bother giving that person false hope? Better to nip it in the bud.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honour, or protecting their status?

His honour’s all shot to the four fuckin winds anyway, but he will protect his status fiercely.

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

His mother’s ancient African Grey parrot used to bite him on the regular, and as such he hates parrots.

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

It could be better. It could be worse, but it could be much better. He’s still kind of a classist snob at times.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

Nope. He’s never really had a paternal figure at all. Or at least not a positive one.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

Not really – his only two dependents would be Bastian and Rowan, both of whom are blood relations.

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

It’s easy to say it when he doesn’t mean it (which he has done, in the past). It’s much harder to say when he does.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

He has no idea whatsoever. He was raised Catholic, but has considered himself an atheist since his mid-teens – however, it’s extremely hard to shed the guilt and fear of damnation when it’s all you’ve heard for a huge chunk of your childhood. He likes to think that life just stops and then that’s it, you’re done, but he can’t quite get rid of the little chirp of paranoia that says he’s going to Hell.