#ive had him for 2 and a half months and hes only now letting me pat him

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

[super-done-dead]

everything is so overwhelming

[crushedsweets]

Do you have any headcanons of Lyra and Toby’s relationship?

this has been in my inbox for like over a week by now because this is a big task in my head. i will focus more on the family itself, but obviously the siblings r there.

ROGERS FAMILY HCS UNDER THE CUT... tw for abuse and addiction, of course

ok. WE'RE GETTING PERSONAL HERE. im the eldest daughter of 3 so the way in which i project into older siblings is insane. ive also had an addict father(no where near like frank though let me clarify) so in general . . the story.. makes me feel very...... basically their relationship is very personal to me.

lyra is about 2-3 years older than toby.

frank's dad was in the vietnam war, his grandparents were in wwii, his grandparents in wwi, etc. so he went into military service right after marrying connie. for a long while, he was SUPER military strict. those kids were up, made their bed, and down for chores by 6am everyday. he made them do military time rather than civilian time. he was incredibly traditional, expected a perfectly clean household, a polite soft daughter, a strong bold son, perfect wife. he wanted the 1950s nuclear family model. so toby and lyra grew up in a very clean, strict, traditional household.

in my au, frank wasnt outright abusive until the kids were around 8-11. it was after he developed his addictions and lost his job. the kids really didnt understand what was changing at first, and legitimately were like 'omg dad isnt making us wake up at 5am everyday..... this is so cool'.

theyd start having sleepovers in eachothers room, slacking a bit on chores, going to sleep late, sleeping in. toby didnt develop his tourettes until he was around 7, so lyra and toby would walk home from their elementary school together. sometimes, theyd walk another friend home first, stop at convenience stores to get candy, pet a cat, etc. frank didnt say a thing for the first few months, just drunken grumbles along connies worried 'WHERE HAVE U BEEN'. if they weren't walking around the area, they were in the backyard playing soccer.

eventually the abuse began, and all of those little freedoms were quickly stripped from the kids.

toby developing tourrettes around this time was a painful coincidence, because not only did he experience abuse at home, but awful bullying at school. he was promptly pulled out after completing 3rd grade. he was only 8.

lyra would practically run home from school everyday, as fast as a 12 year old girl with a backpack could manage, just because she spent all 7 hours in school worrying about toby at home. connie had to start working to pay bills, so..

when toby was around 11 and lyra was around 13, toby started kinda just. being more distant. he was kind of a dick to lyra for a period of time, half because of everything he was going through, half because puberty is rough. his room started getting messy, lyra had to start picking up chores he was slacking on , etc. lyra isnt perfect and began to resent toby for this, and eventually, the two were kinda at eachothers throats for like 6 months. which isnt a lot, but for kids, its an eternity.

when franks abuse evolved from ''just'' verbal abuse, to shoves, to slaps, to full on beatings, toby started egging frank on. just to get him off of lyra and connie. obviously he couldnt feel it, and while it sure took a fucking mental toll, it was so much easier to just wait it out rather than listen to the girls cry.

lyra didnt even realize toby was doing this for a while, she just thought it was all part of him going through his little hormonal asshole phase, until one day frank made a fucked up comment about 'youre lucky that boy is always causing trouble. was supposed to be you'. then it kinda clicked and she very quickly tried to fix their relationship back to what it was.

frank eventually scared connie so badly that there'd be periods of time where she'd take the kids in the middle of the night, and run off to either her parents place, or even a random hotel in another city. she'd use cash, force the kids to keep their phones at home, leave literally everything behind and often make the kids pick out new toothbrushes at a random walmart. etc. it would only last a few days each time, and lyra fought so hard to stay strong while her mom cried and toby closed himself off.

she'd try to get toby to come to the hotel pools with her, try to get him to watch tv with her, try to get him to just fucking talk to her. he was often catatonic during these little runaways, once the confusion adrenaline and fear wore off

it wasnt until they went around a month without seeing their father, and frank had some weird fucking. 'those are MY kids too' thing and went to connie's parents house while all the adults were out, and forced the kids back home. this was the first time lyra was full on sobbing and begging and pleading in years. that was what shifted something in toby, too.

now tobys 13, lyras 15, and theyre on better footing. theyre starting to understand eachother. tobys back on keeping up with chores, knowing that either him lyra or connie was going to get beat if they were missed. sometimes he'd just silently come into lyras room and lay down and watch tv with her. they'd talk about books, about school, their trust was built right back up and toby ended up being the first to know about lyras school drama, gossip, boys, etc.

toby wasn't really socialized properly, since he's been homeschooled for 6 years by now. all the time, he'd hear lyras stories, and wish he could go to school. his mom would be horrified anytime toby asked, because all she could remember was her sweet boy coming home and crying into her arms after a day of being mocked and pushed around by peers.

so he began to live through lyra, in a sense ? he almost became a diary for lyra, and he kinda loved it. she was like a sitcom to him.

frank wasnt a good father by any means during this period, he was still awful, but he wasn't constantly looking for trouble. the kids kept to themselves, connie did everything she was expected to, he didnt give a shit about their grades or social lives. he couldn't even recgonize when lyra was coming home late.

lyra got her license the second she turned 16. the house had two cars, and its not like frank was ever going anywhere, so she was always going everywhere. she adored the freedom, and took toby wherever he'd let her. he only really left the house if he was going grocery shopping with his mom or something, so it was kinda weird now that he was just. going to malls. going to restaurants. going to parks. just Hanging Out. every now and again he'd stick around when Lyra was with her friends, but he didn't like them so it was rare.

sometimes theyd just drive together for a long time. at night, she was the one to take him to every hospital visit, she even got him to volunteer at a pet shelter she worked at for a bit. 3 years and they become so close again, and lyra is tobys best friend. she's his entire world because who else does he have ? he loves his mom, but she's married to the man he hates more than anything

toby was 16 and lyra was 18 when frank strangled toby till he passed out. thats finally when connie kicked frank out, forcing frank to go live on his moms couch. lyra was mortified and started spending an absurd amount of time with toby. she took online community college courses just so she could spend even more time with toby, and it didnt hurt to do so since frank wasnt there anymore. things were getting better for the family, frank was gone, lyra was in college, connie was working, toby was volunteering at shelters and even had a few acquaintances he'd talk to now and again.

lyra picked toby up from the shelter he volunteered at when the accident happened.

lyra and connie had matching silver necklaces with a circle pendant that had their initials. toby didnt cuz frank would get pissed if toby tried wearing jewelry, but when lyra died, toby immediately clung to it. he wears it religiously. the only time he takes it off is if he knows he's going to kill someone that day. otherwise, its always on him.

lyra died and was buried in colorado. toby lives in alabama now. so he really doesnt visit her grave often. only on her birthday, he'll scramble together some money and get brian, tim, and kate to agree to cover his uh. 'shifts' with slenderman, and take a few loooonnnggg train rides over to colorado.

he'll leave two bouquets of flowers. one for lyra, one for connie.

connie just feels in her heart that its toby. she has no reason to believe it, they've never bumped into eachother (toby's visiting at like 2am and falls asleep near the grave for a few hours), but she knows nobody else whos visiting lyras grave and leaving two sets of the same flowers.

toby and lyras childhood home was put on sale shortly after it was reconstructed from the fire, and connie moved in with her sister. lyras bedroom door was the only one that was shut and left unscathed after the fire (legitimately keep your doors shut if you ever have a housefire it can save entire bedrooms and even lives). the rest of the house was ruined, but not lyras room. connie kept every single one of her belongings, but she's put some photos out on the grave. tobys taken them, and connie believes it was him. again, she has no reason to believe it other than the flowers and 'why would someone take a photo of my dead daughter.'

anyway hi. in tears. i love them. sorry. i just retell their story over and over and get sad everytime

[ufoend]

∆ please help us

we can not afford any of our basic needs

i usually try to keep this as light as possible, but i have put this off for long enough that i have to post this. me and my partner desperately need help. we are just two gay people trying to make it alone here with absolutely no support system.

who we are: im j (or jet), im 24 year old trans guy whose had this account since 2014. i married my partner in 2018, we even met on tumblr when we were younger, we've been together for years. my partner is disabled (diagnosed with autism and seizure disorder and others)

what we need: our cat had an emergency surgery two years ago that means he needs to be on a prescription diet (hills urinary food) for his entire life. the vet suddenly said we need to bring him in again to get his prescription renewed and we cant order any more food for him until then, which he will not survive without, and he is not allowed to eat any alternative food without risking his life. we have less than half of a 8 lb bag of it which will not last him through the next month. with the vet, food, and ubers to get to the vet and to the only place they sell the food = 200

to try to summarize our situation, we were kicked out by family and made officially homeless for the first time last year. this is right after we moved across states (wa to az) to support my partners family upon their request, only to be subjected to abuse and kicked out directly due to homophobia in an unfamiliar state after a few months. this left both of us and all of our animals entirely homeless. we luckily have an apartment now but our situation is still not okay. we lost all of our belongings at this time, everything, and have not been able to replace them as we have fixed income. my partner is especially affected by this situation, as it was traumatizing, and they have just had to power through trauma after trauma because of poverty, more than i can say.

i also have severe dental problems that are not covered by medicaid in az and i have no way to afford. this includes wisdom teeth, root canals, and many cavities that will turn into that crazy expensive treatment if i don't fix it. some may remember this (+this). i was only able to have a little bit of work done before we were homeless and one root canal failed. i cant keep ignoring it, because they are worried about two of the cavities becoming root canals, and i want to prevent another infection, but thats at least 250 each.

we are still not going to be able to afford rent in future months because our EBT was delayed last month and i had to spend money we don't have to afford anything, and now we are in serious jeopardy even affording rent, let alone bills. our pets (2 cats 1 small dog) also desperately need vaccinations, which is dangerous to keep going this overdue without with their health problems. our dog has also been limping for the past week and he needs to be seen when that is ever possible.

any donations would go first to the vet appointment and cat food, then the other needs in order of priority. will keep updating this, i know its a lot and i really don't expect anything, i am begging for help with any of this

we are both students, we are trying to work towards stability, while being stuck here. i do everything i can to bring in money to support us on my own. we make 200 less than rent is monthly. i am in school to become a caseworker so i am aware of a lot of resources in my area, and have applied for everything, but we can not do this alone which is why i have to ask for help. i am so sorry for having to do this but i appreciate any support that i do have because of this website. you guys literally save my life. helping out other poor people and getting helped out on here has been the most compassion ive ever been a part of. dollars, even pennies, worth of donations has kept my cat safe, has affected me in real ways. it actually matters to us, no matter the amount.

thank you anyone who reblogs, donates anything, or reaches out.

*

p*ypal email (best): ptcustomcomp@yahoo.com

v*nmo: @tobler707

c*shapp: $tobler707

[defrosted69]

My Hype Boy (Part 2)

***YOHOHOHOHO I'm Back with Kim Minji part 2 since you guys wanted a part 2. I hope I gave you guys justice about this one so here yah go***

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The winds was howling loudly as the autumn breeze blew the leaves of the trees around the campus. Your eyes widen as you gasped for air catching your breath. Your heart was beating so fast as you touch your face realizing that all that sweet scenes that happened was nothing more than a dream. A mixture of dissapointment and happiness filled your thoughts and this only confuses you.

"Woah, You're finally awake mate"

The voice of Bangchan said as you looked around your sorroundings and you notice that you were sitting on a wooden bench along the campus park. Felix looked up to after playing with his phone and spoke.

"You look like you had a rough nightmare. Did you fuck someone?"

"Oh fuck off Felix. Wait, are you dating Chaewon?"

You asked making the man laugh and shook his head in amusement.

"That dream must have been good huh? You really think I have a chance with Lesserafim Chaewon? An Idol. Me? A student? Hmm?"

You sighed in relief knowing that you weren't still out touch from reality. Even though your heart was still beating fast, your mind was occupied on the thoughts of Kim Minji.

This was your first time dreaming about Minji and it felt really weird considering the words that she said in your dreams. But you also want to believe that your dream was the reality because the way she showed her loved towards you felt so real. Some might say that being to tired out explains why some of our dreams become a reality. You could only sigh as you pick up your sling bag and stand up from the bench.

"I must have slept like a log, anyway, what's your plan boys?"

"Mate, we going to the concert remember? Felix planned this day for months. Don't tell me ya forgot already?"

Chan said making you sigh and shake your head. Your dream really messed up your thoughts of process so much. This slowly began to worry as you as you were afraid that this dream could eat up all your thoughts and emotions making you drained and tired.

"No of course not. I still have my ticket here."

You patted your jean pocket with you as the two nodded their heads. The two were big fans of IZONE especially Felix as he was there for them when they were still in a survival show, now with their new contract and Sub-group named Lesserafim and IVE. This didn't stop Felix though as he still continued to support them even with the new additions.

"Shit, I can finally die in piece if Chaewon waves at me"

Felix looked up day dreaming as usual as there was no point of you talking to him once he entered that state. Meeting Felix and Chan was one hell of a experience but it also brought upon smiles on your day especially when the three of you do some stupid shit together. The three of you left the university and headed to the concert hall immediately. The line was to be expected to be long considering this will be one of the groups biggest concert ever.

But by some luck from Chan, you three were able to buy VIP tickets but of course this made you and Felix raise an eyebrow at him. The VIP tickets cost a lot and it's supposed to be sold out immediately Considering the group is hot right now and Chan, with no disrespect to him, isn't the guy with a lot of money. Of course you could just add in that he may have earned this for a long time and he was just sharing his blessing to you two. But whatever the reason was, you were thankful to him because in reality, you were also struggling financially.

The sun was ready to close out the day and the line that almost looked like half of Han river was slowly moving as they were finally letting the people inside. VIP Tickets were the first one to enter because they were given the chance to be close to the idols. The three of you moved along the VIP lane and showed your ticket to the guard. He let you three enter the big dome and as the dark hallways engulf you, your mind suddenly shifted to Minji. A short memory that flashed into your mind.

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FLASHBACK

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The harsh howling of the winds and rain splashing to the windows of the house showed how powerful the storm was. The weather reports have already warned the citizens of the incoming storm as everyone has prepared themselves to the incoming natural disaster including yourself. And by that, I mean you barely didn't anything but charge your flashlight and phone. Your parents are both attending a business meeting for a week and it will be just you and Minji at the house hold. Considering the current weather, there was no point of attending school.

"Now what should I do-"

"Oppa!! Where's the flashlight? Minji's asking by the way."

You sighed after hearing her loud voice. Pham Hanni was apprently stuck in your household until the storm passes because of their sleepover. Of course you don't mind Hanni at your home because seeing Minji smile and all happy being with her friend satisfies you. But the thing that didn't sit well with you is that, Hanni has been lately getting clingy towards you too. Of course you found it weird at first because there was no absolute way you made her this clingy towards you. But thinking back, there is that one incident where you did help Hanni out.

Although you weren't sure this was the incident that set her off to be this clingy towards you, it was the best moment that could trigger this phenomenon.

It all started back then when you were fetching Minji up from her school. Ever since that bullying incident, you promised yourself that you would pick her up from her school and Minji couldn't be more ecstatic to hear those words by you. Even though you have been through her school before, you still felt nervous as you were sweating a little bit. But that nervousness and worry immediately disappeared once you saw Minji smiling happily and dashing towards you. She immediately hugged you tightly as you felt a warm presence around her.

"Hey Minji, how's schoo-"

"Yah, Minji. You said this is your brother, how come you look like you have a brother complex?."

An unfamiliar voice was behind Minji and there you saw a smaller girl who was eyeing you in confusion. But her stares immediately tell you that she was either worried for Minji or, she finds you a creep. Minji immediately looked at her and gave her one stern look. The girl shrugged her shoulder and said

"What? I'm saying the truth here. You said you loved your brother but I didn't expect it to be this."

You widen your eyes as Minji and Hanni was staring at each other as if the two were communicating telepathically. Of course it wasn't possible but seeing her understanding Minji who couldn't speak, speaks volume of how much the girl understand and know Minji.

"H-how come you understand her… Errr, what's your name again?"

Hanni scoffed and shook her head showing her dissapointment. It was then you realized that the girl infront of you was the girl you talked to when you first arrive at Minji's school. You mentally slapped yourself for your mistake as you immediately apologize to her.

"Ah, I'm sorry Hanni. I.. I didn't recognize you at first."

"Why?"

"Well I didn't expect you to be this cute. Not that I meant that you weren't cute before but it's just that you're cuter now. Fuck what am I even saying? I'm sorry…"

You bowed your head apologizing towards the said girl but this in turn did a different effect on her. Hanni was too stunned to speak as a pink color was slowly appearing on her cheeks. Her heart was slowly beating faster and her gaze was suddenly stucked with you. Minji didn't like how her friend was suddenly blushing as she held you tighter and stared at Hanni with a annoyed yet adorable glare.

"So, shall we go?"

You snapped the two girls off their own thoughts as Minji smiled at you and nodded her head. Hanni managed to brush off her weird thoughts and crossed her arms near her chest.

"I'm only joining you guys because I don't want my best friend getting bewitched by you."

You could only chuckle at her silly assumption and just let her be. You have thought that the girls are just entering their puberty stage and their emotions are in shambles. Nonetheless, the three of you left school with Minji clinging to your arm and Hanni pulling her away from you whenever she has the chance too. You were lowkey thankful for Hanni's effort of pulling Minji away from you because you were getting uncomfortable with it.

Time pass by and the three of you managed to get closer, even though Hanni was still suspicious of you. You managed to let her be comfortable with you. Now this is where you probably assume where Hanni began to change her attitude towards you.

It was a beautiful autumn afternoon and you were on your way home. Minji texted you that your mother picked her up allowing you to have more time for yourself. The soft breeze passing by and the brownish dried leaves on the floor gave you an idea of what you were gonna do in the afternoon. Your legs began moving to wherever your feet takes you as you unwind your mind along with nature. The trees that looked shaved due to the weather made you smile as you admired it's aesthetics. Your walk abruptly came to a halt when you saw a familiar girl clutching to her right ankle and closing her eyes. You saw how she bit her lips stopping herself from making any noise.

"Stupid banama peeling. Who even throws their food on the floor! Damn it…"

Hanni was in deep pain as her ankle had turned in a way she didn't expect it. She slowly noticed how her ankle began to create a swell and the pain only doubled on it. She bit her lips not wanting anyone to hear her pathethic call for help as tears began to flow down on her eyes. This day was surely terrible for her somehow as all bad luck just happened to happen to her.

In the morning, Hanni and Minji were together walking the hallways when Hanni accidentally bumped into someone holding a box of water paint. The paint flew to her uniform and mind you, the uniform she was wearing was her favorite because it held a sentimental value but it was now ruined because of someone's clumsiness. The other student apologized but hurriedly ran away with all the paint as if the student was chasing time. Minji helped Hanni cleaned her uniform as the girl could only sigh.

During lunch time, Minji and Hanni were at their usual seat in the cafeteria when the two spotted the guy that Hanni likes. Of course this made her heart beat like crazy as Minji just gave her best friend a smile of encouragement. Hanni pulled out her mirror and checked herself before putting in some lip tint to show the redness of her lips. But all that preparation went all down the drain when she saw a sight that broke her heart into thousand pieces. The guy she liked smiled towards the popular girl in the school and even held hands and embrace each other as if they missed each other a lot. This scene was probably gonna be a traumatic experience for her as Minji felt bad for Hanni. She gave Hanni a pat to the back and a warm comforting embrace.

And lastly, this afternoon, she had to go home alone because Minji was gonna get picked up by her mother for their appointment to the doctor. Hanni didn't mind going home alone but after everything that has happened to her so far, she perhaps needed someone to hear her day or just someone who would stay by her side. She thought that maybe walking home would relax her but that ended in her spraining her ankle as she stepped on a banna peel.

"This day sucks ass-"

"Hanni? Are you okay?"

Hanni immediately recognized that voice as she could feel her cheeks turning red due to embarrassment. From all the people she just have to meet. It has to be with you.

"I'm fine… Just, j-just relaxing that's all."

She was clearly lying as you can see her hiding the sprain on her ankle. You pulled out your handkerchief from your pocket and opened your bag taking out an emergency instant ice pack. Hanni widen her eyes when you suddenly kneeled down to her level and grabbed her hand slowly removing it from the injured ankle.

"W-What are you doing?"

"You obviously sprained your ankle. Walking it out would only make it worse as the swell is already starting to show. Now hold on and let me cook."

"What? No, I'm fine Y/n-ouch! Yah!"

You gently poked her swollen ankle and she winced in pain and glared at you. You gave her a warm smile as you placed the ice pack on her injury and wrapped it with your handkerchief ensuring it tightly.

"It's not to tight right? Or do you want me to loosen it?"

"It's alright…"

You stood up and sat next to her as the two of you didn't spoke a single word. You just let the howling winds make the sound and people walking by as you waited for Hanni to speak. It didn't take that long as Hanni grew tired of the silence.

"How did you know I was here?"

"I was just walking by. This was my usual route when going home. What about you?"

"Well, my house is just a few minute walk here so…yeah..Anyway thank you for helping me. I need to go now."

"What? No you should-"

"Ouch!"

Upon applying pressure on her injured ankle, she lost balance as the mobility of her right ankle is altered. She began to slowly descend down with her back falling into a soft pair of arms. Hanni was now locked eyes with you as she was in your arms with her heart beating faster again and pink color tint was forming on her cheeks.

"You shouldn't move with that kind of injury Hanni. Alright, sit down first."

"B-But why?"

"Just sit."

This was her first time seeing you look so serious and concern for her. It was a sight to behold because she usually sees you in a more loser like state but seeing this side of you made her remove those thoughts away. She listened to your instructions as she sat back down on the wooden bench. You moved your back to your front side and turned your back towards her, kneeling down. Hanni widen her eyes as she even felt more embarrassed.

"Wha-What are you doing?"

"Well since you can't move. I'll be the one moving for you."

"N-No that's embarrassing. I'm no longer a kid."

You chuckled at her remark and said

"With an injury like that, this is the only way for you to move anywhere from your spot. Unless you want to be carried bridal style instead?"

It was your turn to tease her making Hanni fuming red. She has no choice, even though it was eng for her, she has to accept your offer because she clearly can't walk with her injury. In the end, she hopped on your back and you two began walking away. It was very quiet between the two of you as Hanni was in deep thoughts thinking of you.

"Are you always this nice to everyone?"

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"What I mean is what I said. You seem to care for Minji a lot. Is this how you bewitched her that she's so clingy to her brother?"

Hearing her words made you laugh a little as this made Hanni a little furious.

"Yah, I'm being serious here."

"Okay, Okay calm down. I don't know if bewitched is the right term for it. I'm just really looking out for Minji because she deserve nothing but the best for her. She went through a lot in the past so I make sure that her present is far more better."

Hanni had to acknowledge your statement because it was true. Being friends with Minji made her learn a few things from her. She was a very good listener dispite the fact that she can't talk. She's a very soft hearted person and cares about the people around her. Her soft smile and warm aura just captives anyone and would melt with her behavior towards everyone. Of course sometimes, this would make Hanni feel self conscious of herself.

"What about you?"

"Huh? Me?"

"Yeah. Why did you become friends with Minji?"

She never really thought about that question before. Initially, she thought that it would be nice to be friends with someone preety and cute and as time goes on, she realized how much Minji was crafted to be perfect in everything. She would be lying if she said she felt jealous of her.

"I wanted to be friends with her because she felt lonely before. Honestly speaking, being friends with her is a blessing and a curse…"

You notice how her voice trailed off as you just walked slowly letting her speak.

"Being with Minji, I had a wonderful time being with her and somehow we just click. But there are times we're I…. Well, honestly speaking, I feel jealous of her sometimes."

"Oh?"

"I know your her step-brother and all and I shouldn't be speaking like this to her but sometimes, I really feel like that. She got it all. She got the looks, she's smart and she's so kind and yet I don't even have one of those…"

You can feel the pain in her voice when she said those words. You actually felt a little bad for Hanni because what she's feeling is what you're feeling whenever you see the famous students in your school. They have the looks and charisma, if not those, they have the brains and charisma that makes anyone believe under their palm. It was quite exhausting seeing those things but as time goes by, you began to appriciate what you are and what you have.

"That's not true Hanni. Who said you don't have the looks? You're preety cute actually."

Hanni widen her eyes as her cheeks began to turn red. But what's she's afraid of was the sound of her heart beat going faster and faster. A sudden came to her mind and all memories of her being with you flashed in her mind.

It felt like she was going through time seeing the moments that the two of you shared. All though it wasn't obviously a lot, there was a lot of times you actually looked out for her and for Minji. The way you made sure Hanni was eating well, was studying well, heck, even the time when you scolded her and Minji for staying up late instead of sleeping flashed on her mind. She already knows the feeling that was lingering on her.

It was the feeling of admiration.

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Perhaps maybe even bigger than admiration.

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Perhaps it was love.

"Y-You're just saying that…"

"but it's true Hanni. You're very pretty yourself. So don't look down upon yourself and say you're not."

Her heart was not gonna take it anymore if you spoke more about her. Her heart was about to burst from her chest and her cheeks was already red as it. In the end, she just stayed quiet while you carefully carried her in your back. The walk was rather longer than expected. Perhaps it was because of how the two of you converse more than usual that it felt like the walk was longer but enjoyable.

You finally stoped at her house as you gently lowered yourself allowing Hanni to stand up properly. The icepack worked like magic as the swelling somehow got small and her ankle was almost back to its original size.

"Can you walk?"

Hanni nodded her head as you smiled a little and grabbed her bag that was on your shoulder and gave it to her.

"Well I hope you get your ankle treated well Hanni."

"Ah, Y-Yeah…"

Hanni locked her gaze upon you as you stared back at her.

"Is there something you forgot?"

Hanni gulped. This was her first time seeing you in a different light and right now, her heart was beating so fast. She wanted to say the words thank you but her mouth was visibly shut down. Instead, she instinctively took one step but her ankle wasn't really there yet making her lose her balance and landing into your chest.

"Woah, Are you okay Hanni."

Instead of responding, Hanni hugged you tightly as you blinked a several times. Pham Hanni, your sister's friend who was always suspicious of you was now hugging you tightly as if there was no tomorrow.

"Thank you, Oppa…."

Hearing the word Oppa made you smile as Hanni was now finally, Finally comfortable with you. She was now finally okay with you. And that was a very rewarding feeling. But unknown to the two of you, Minji who wanted to visit Hanni in her house saw the scene unfolding on her very eyes. Let's just say she was left speechless after seeing that and her heart broke into thousand pieces.

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FLASHBACK END

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You were now at the end of the dark hallway and what greeted you was the giant arena filled with fans showing off their lightstick and a like. Felix and Chan were immediately on their fan boy mode on as you just smiled and watch the 16 idols appear on stage. As they appear, the loud cheers and chants can be heard all around the arena as Felix and Chan was shouting at the top of their lungs.

"Chaewon!! I love you!!"

Felix shouted as he made a heart shape out of his arms. Maybe they were at the VIP seats that Felix's effort was seen by his bias and smiled sweetly at him and showed a finger at him as well. Felix was losing his mind when Chaewon did that as he shouted and shook Chan like a mad man. Seeing your two friends going berserk is entertaining.

"Oppa?"

Your sorrounding held to a halt as the noise was muffled down. A voice that you haven't heard in a while made you turn around and as if everyone surrounding her was gone, she stood there standing so pretty.

"H-Hanni?"

Hearing her name made her smile and waved her hand at you. It's been so long that you couldn't even recognize her anymore but it's a good thing because Hanni was now a beautiful woman than she used too. But as much as Hanni is treated by the universe as the main character, a familiar female entered the frame that Hanni couldn't help but look to her side as both girls widen their eyes.

"M-Minji?"

Hanni said making you widen your eyes in surprise. Kim Minji, your step sister was infront of you and this time, you weren't dreaming anymore. There she stood and looked at you with her iconic soft smile.

"M-Minji is that you-"

She didn't let you finish your sentence as she dashed towards you hugging you tightly making you unable to do anything.

"C-Can you talk now?"

You asked her but she just smiled at you and softly shook her head. But then she suddenly changed her attention to Hanni who was in disbelief seeing Minji again.

The two stared at each other not saying anything as the thickness and atmosphere between the two girls were sharp that anyone that cut in between them would feel frighten by their stares. even though the two of them share a past together, they were both competitive with the person they love.

Pham Hanni, the girl who was annoyed at you at first change her perspective of you when she saw your kindness. she has never searched for anyone else except you because her heart was already sealed with yours. she changed for the better and the universe granted her wish to see the person that melted and conquered her heart.

Kim Minji, the girl carved the goddess. Nothing will ever change the fact that she continued to be a big part of your life and now, she's seekinng more than just seeing you. she wants to be with you along the journey called life and show you the love she kept for so long just for you.

.

.

.

.

.

Chan was trying his best controlling his wild Friend Felix as he was about ecstatic seeing his bias notice him.

"Yah mate. Calm down, you might broke a bone or too with your excitement."

"What can i say?! Chaewon has been staring at me all the time and she's giving me smiles everytime I look at her. I just wanna die man."

"Calm your dick down. You still don't want to die just yet-hey look."

"What?"

Chan changed his attention to you and Felix saw the problem you have at hand as he himself couldn't believe it.

"No way, Y/N has two princess on his palm."

"It's not just any princess, It's that Freshman beauty Pham Hanni. Blud is so lucky-"

A person in black shirt who towered between them gave the two a hear attack. Felix was just joking earlier about dying because he wasn't ready yet to die.

"You two are asked to be at the backstage."

The man simply said making Chan and Felix look at each other in disbelief.

"Huh?"

Felix asked as the man sternly looked at them making them sweat bullets. Chan was calling out all the angels and saints for him to be saved from this while Felix was asking for forgiveness for all the wrong doings he had done.

"Izone wanted to see the two of you."

"What?"

The two boys said.

.

.

.

.

[hibiscussoupbowl]

Yk what ive already made all my statements abt the teen wolf movie on instagram but imma say it here

As much as i love and breath teen wolf, its not the perfect show which is fine bc recognizing that is what makes its good. The thing is the movie? Godawful. The one thing i can appreciate is that the movie had an opening and the graohic design was cool

My problems with it?

-the plotline being abt allison. I think alisson (is it allison or alisson?) Is a fine character especially in s3, however, you killed her off. That whole s3 ending was abt her dying and isaac leaves BECAUSE of allison dying. Now ur gonna reopen that plotline that was TIED OFF? Ur not even gonna get stiles or isaac back into play even tho theyre arguably the most important for that season. And ur not gonna tell us how s6 ended??? Even with a flashforward of 2 years??

-the fbombs. Im sorry, what? U make a show that doesnt use f bombs at all and u make it creepy and horror but when u make the movie thats r rated meaning u can go even harder... u use it on fbombs? Might i add in the worst way possible. "Darkness motherfucker" wow. It just sounds so cringey. Either use it once meaningfully or dont drop one at all. U managed to make s3 be creepy without it do it again

-why the absolute fuck was liam in japan. By the hour and a half mark that question wasnt explained and it never was. Him and this girl hikari (whos gr8 actually) are just in japan and i guess own a bar??? I dont even know what they are to eachother let alone how they ended up there. I only knew that they love eachother bc they say that in jpn but like still??? Is it a sibling ily or a were dating and ily?

-the actors. Im sorry but if ur gonna get all these actors like masons and parrish and malia and whoever but u give them like what one line? Mason had legit like 2 lines in that movie. And u dont even know how he beacme a police officer! He just is! And they dont even say anything abt corey??? U could easily get his actor i know he aint doin anything rn. Liam and hikari? Also have like 3 lines in the movie

-personal thing lol but not everyone looks good with a beard and a shaved head

-lydia and stiles. Just bc u coudnt get dylan obrien cuz hes like the most succesful does NOT mean u just break up the couple that u built for six. seasons. You couldve said literally anything you couldve said stiles was dealing with some fbi shit or another supernatural disaster. Lydia having the dream? Tragic but stiles wouldnt have cared bc he loves her and wouldve just wanted to be with her forever.

-how can u not tell us who elis mother is. We ALLLL wanna know who derek banged im sorry but he slept with the enemy like three times and with his history and family history everyone just wants to know who it was.

-dereks death. WHAT THE FUCK this man survived a *pipe* going thru his back for like 10 minutes and survived, got brutally slashed and survived and ur telling me he died by magical fire. Sure teen wolf sure.

-if ur gonna introduce a character like alec in the season finale, bring him into play somehow recast him idc but do smt. Even nolan! Someone !

-what was with the whole nogitsune temple thing?? It was so... not scary at all and it looked bad. Like idk it was just so kiddy. Like oh noooo we re trapped bc we re tied to a pole with rope -_-

-sorry but again why continue a plotline that has been tied off? And not continue with the one that was open ended when u cant even get the significant actors for the s3 plotline? Bring daniel sharman into play, medicis over he has the freetime.

-malia and scott breaking up is also stupid bc again they were "endgame" and they had no reason to break up other than the fact that allison was alive again and for plot reasons.

-harrison coming back was so stupid i was so glad they killed him off even tho i guess they never found his body. I was hoping

-are argent and melissa not dating anymore? Its been like 3 months since ive seen the movie so i dont rememeber that but if they arent, why are the writers/producers, whoever, so desperate to break up everything great they had goin at the end of the show.

The interesting parts of the movie were

-the intro

-elis backstory with his dad, except why would u hate derek its literally tyler hoechlin

-and scott having an animal clinic bc i think thats funny

[dent-de-leon]

ive been following you for years now (since around when promare came out) and this whole time ive just assumed that mollymauk was the main character of critrole but i was talking to a sibling and they were like yeah hes only in 20eps. that cannot be true. i fully was like yeah mollymauks the main character they drive the plot right right?????

HELP THIS IS SO FUNNY ASKSLG---wait, let me explain--

In the year 2018, I started watching the Campaign 2 livestream from when the very first episode aired. I watched live right up until episode 25--26, the one where they lose Molly? That was the first episode I couldn't watch during the stream, and have never been able to bring myself to watch it since.

So 26 episodes doesn't sound like a whole lot. But each one is usually between four to four and a half hours long--there are even some that go up to six hours, and the longest one clocks in at just a little over seven hours. So you're talking about each episode being like four hours--and they were once a week every week. So by the time episode 26 rolled around, I had been getting super invested in this character over the course of several months. I just now checked a list of the runtime for episodes 1-26, so--if my math is right?? and that's a big if lmao--we're talking about a character that has over 100 and a half hours of screentime in the beginning, which is wild--

So yeah, in the grand scheme of things, it for sure doesn't seem like much. But given the nature of CR, it was definitely more than enough time for me to get attached--though honestly, Taliesin had me hooked on this tiefling from the very first episode, I didn't stand a chance. His whole personality and the little glimpses we got of his backstory just meant so much to me, and I adored that he was bi and genderfluid. He's the kind of character that really draws you into the world; I was so excited to see how he'd change over the course of the story, how his heartfelt relationships with all the other characters would unfold--

Molly's character arc isn't abandoned after 26 episodes either. In fact, he comes back as the final villain of the campaign over 100 episodes later. When the tiefling we know makes his reappearance as the major antagonist Lucien, the whole final arc of the campaign revolves around him and his past with the Mighty Nein. Very much a case of someone haunting the narrative. There's just something I love about how Molly is the one that first brings them all together, and then the entire finale of the campaign ended up leading right back to him and how much he meant to his family.

And then the arc ends with the party finally getting the chance to perform a ritual to resurrect him!! It was a very long wait, but the culmination of everything to do with Molly in the penultimate episode was definitely worth it. There's also all the secondary source materials that add to his character. He's got a prequel comic like the rest of the party. And he's the only one of all the Campaign 2 characters that gets a whole novel of "his" backstory, mainly focused on his life as Lucien. You can even buy a copy of Molly's tarot deck, which is such a fun piece of added lore and depth.

Anyway, I am so sorry I gave you the wrong idea about Molly asjslfjdfhf but he is absolutely the main character in my heart 💜 So much of his character is about how every little moment matters. And even if you don't get to have someone in your life for very long, that time you spent with them will always mean something. Acts of love and kindness are never a waste, even if it doesn't last. He's a character who was loved so much it made him whole, gave him a second chance he thought he'd never get. His story is very melancholy and tragic, but it's also just so bittersweet and cathartic and heartfelt. He is,, my blorbo--

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

hiii so i put in a request for the matching thing but you didn’t respond to it so im guessing i didn’t put enough info which i completey understand!!! very sorry about that, i hope ur still doing these requests if not i deeply apologize. anyway pls take ur time so so sorry!!

i’d also like to be matched with someone in pjo pls!

personal info ? 15 yrs old, i’m a girl, she/her(truly idc), bisexual, half mexican (white dad…)

physical: i have medium length wavy brown hair with grown out bangs, im 5’4 average weight, pretty tan, brown eyes, silver circle glasses, i wear smudgy eyeliner w/mascara, i either wear tank tops with big pants or big t shirt with shorts

personality: i’m honestly very weird with the people im close with, like very. i have brainrot humor so im always saying weird ass shit acting like it’s normal. i’m also very sarcastic and if im not very close with someone i give them like 0 reaction i guess? idk ppl tell me im nonchalant but that sounds rlly corny 😬 anyway im very embarrassing in public when im with my friends and they hate it but i think its funny idc!! im also pretty moody but im just a teenage girl!!!!!!! i dont get mad that easily tho like i can take a joke i just get ANNOYED easily but then ill be fine in a few minutes. also ppl tell me im very funny so 😇 meat riding myself YES IM A NO SABO KID I AM TRYING TO LEARN SOANISH.

hobbies/intrests: love love love listening to music, love tv girl, tyler, mitski, arctic monkeys, the smiths, depeche mode, the cure, lana, tame impala, beabadoobee and so many other generes and artists but i only know like 2 songs 😬

i also had a severe fnaf phase, avatar the last airbender, spiderverse, saiki, and obvi percy jackson

currently OBSESSED with slushy noobz they are my whole personality they are how i act. along with avascreams on tiktok ive literally had 6 different ppl tell me “you know that one girl on tiktok?? you act just like her” IM TRILY NOT EVEN TRYING TO ACT LIKE HER I SWEAR. also love sam and colby i full heartedly believe in ghosts just watch ima become a ghost hunter 😊😊

as of right now my hobbies are playing stardew valley and never getting my homework done, i also love to draw but im not very good at it. i also love painting but i haven’t done it in a while bc of school :(( i take piano lessons as well but again, not very good even after 5 years. i rlly like reading too but again bc of school i haven’t read as much lately, love playing with my pets (dog and cat) they’re so cute i love animals so so much i want more but yknow im busy, ive also gotten into working out bc im tryna lose this face fat🫥

likes: love carnival rides!!!! they’re so fun i love the fair SO MUCH. beautiful atmosphere truly. the zipper is so fun don’t let anyone lie to you. nature, i love going on walks in the woods but i can’t bc i don’t live near any😔 food i love food, korean, mexican, american, japanese, i love it all. english class! teacher is so sweet i love her and its also easy and boring so

dislikes: six flags. i hate roller coasters. annoying ppl like bruh stfu up OH MY GOD. when my mom asks me about college, leave me alone pls!

okay i truly don’t know what else to put i hope this was enough 😓😓

-faith 👐

Hey Faith, I am so so sorry that this took incredibly long to complete. I’ve been insanely busy these few months and lots of personal stuff going on so I really hope that this does it justice! And also also don’t be sorry I’m really sorry that this took so long

Your PJO ship: Leo Valdez 🔥🔥🔥 (man I’m jealous)

Explanation: honestly the best way I can explain this is that you’re crazy totally matches his crazy. Your freak matches his freak. is somebody gonna match my freak? Yes, someone will match your freak and that person is Leo. Starting off with your physical appearance, I think that he would be very attracted to you and I think you give a vague match of his mom like I feel like you look like his mom a little little bit, which is what kind of drew him to you in the first place I feel like he probably saw you in a crowd and his jaw dropped. He just thought that you were your clothing style. He also liked your eyeliner which he had you do on him whenever you guys got comfortable enough in the relationship he was like hey can I please have your make up routine done on me? He looked rlly hot but anyway- you guys are just so chaotic together with your personality like you match him so well I feel like Leo in order to make a relationship work with him. He needs to have someone that’s either vastly different than him or the same because I mean, I just see you guys as Deadpool and Vanessa, you guys so chaotic in public you guys would do so much embarrassing shit together and social anxiety would be afraid of both of you combined, a deadly duo. Whenever you were first getting to know each other, and you were more relaxed and chill around him less if you’re crazy with showing, that’s what kind of Drew him like he thought that your dynamic could be that you would kind of be more opposites, but then he slowly realize that you were just as fucking goofy and silly as him, and he would have a blast with you as you guys got further on into your even like just friendship that eventually turn into romance. You guys always have the funniest times together like I’m not joking. You guys would be the couple to go out with if you wanted a good time because you guys just yeah you’re chaotic and glorious and also really freaking funny and I mean yeah. (I would also like to let you know to do a deeper dive into your personality. I did research some of the people you mentioned that you were compared to and watched some of their videos and subjected myself to the painful amount of puns and batshit crazy, honestly I’m pretty impressed if people are comparing you) as for your hobbies, he would love playing Stardew Valley and I feel like he would romance. Sebastian don’t ask me why, but I just feel like he would. He would totally want Sebastian as I don’t know why OK I really don’t. I really don’t but anyway that’s just my personal theory. But he would love playing Stardew with you. He’s also a procrastinator when it comes to homework and work and taking things seriously in general so you guys would be quite the interesting duo and I feel like U2 would just end up making out during study date so if you want someone to study with? He’s probably not the best person. Also, I think that he would love your art and would be absolutely obsessed. If you ever did any artwork of him or just inspired by him like he would love that he would frame that shit he would brag to everyone about how good you are and same goes with piano he’s obsessed even if you think you weren’t very good after five years of playing he thinks you’re magnificent. It took everything in him to not compare you to Apollo because he knew that that would probably get you like blasted into the sky or something, but he just thinks anything that comes from you is good basically. That’s Leo Math.

You + Anything= Good.

He can never read very much because of his ADHD. I just feel like he would lose interest in books really easily unless they’re really exciting or exactly what he’s being into at this point, so I feel like he would get the being too busy to read. He also loves animals. He would absolutely snuggle all the pets in the world. I feel like he just loves animals. I feel like he especially loves dogs because they match his energy and he’s definitely like a golden retriever guy or maybe a Chihuahua guy one of them anyway dogs are very Leo core. Also, he thinks your chubby face is cute, and while he promotes working out for the healthiness of it, he thinks you have the wrong motivation if you want to get rid of that cute squeezable cheeks. (Multiple cheeks if ykwim) he also loves carnival rides and he’s a huge foodie so if you ever went out to him, you guys would end up eating more than your stomachs and belts can handle I mean yeah you guys would just be done if you ever went out to eat because he would order so much food and then I feel like because of his ADHD he’d be midway eating through another thing and then see other stand and be like babe. We gotta go there next. basically you guys would be extremely full. He also likes nature walks. I think that he kind of just likes the dirt of it because he’s definitely not afraid to get dirty and he loves just poking around nature I mean, I honestly that’s how I see him going on hikes like he’d pick up slugs, he do all kinds of like gross stuff. People normally wouldn’t do like I don’t know, letting a worm crawl on his arm or something.  anyway you guys totally match each other crazy and match each other’s freak yes just like the song, and I really ship it 💕💓💗💞💗💞

[alxssarosex]

So here's the what's been going on with Alyssa (me) post.

1. This has been lightly yapped about on here before. I have an ex bf from like a year ago now (we started dating may of 23 and broke up September 23). I was in love with him but he moved halfway through our relationship about a hour and a half away and He was kinda insecure (never really understood why I was with him) so we brokeup. I've missed him ever since. I've had a few bfs since but none that even compared to him. He however got a new gf a month later and they didn't breakup till a couple weeks ago. I've been hoping he'd text me ever since and he hasn't so I've given up it's embarrassing for me to still be caught up on it. but yeah I've referenced it on here a lot so I figured I'd Start with that.

2. So this is longer and more traumatic and has also lightly yapped about. My ex situationship psychologically abused me very very badly. I was stuck in that situation for like a year and a half. I'm honestly probably permanently traumatized from it. Well when I was with her their was this girl she was friends with and I just knew the girl liked her she told me I was crazy and making shit up the whole time. Well I found out she had slept with her and it was the final thing I needed to leave and get with my ex bf (the previously mentioned one). The girl she had slept with recently followed both my Instagram accounts. When I looked at her page I saw a guy I thought was cute so I followed him. My friend goes to school with him and said she'll put me on with him. I lowkey- highkey got a crush on him but he's also friends with my abusive ex which could undo the healing I've done but I also have a feeling about him and ive only had it with my ex before and that was my best relationship and someone who I loved so I don't know and I also don't know him like my friend hasn't put us on yet I don't know if that was clear or not.

I have more I could yap about so I could make this like a series let me know if you'd be interested sometimes my life is like a movie.

[neptune-lover]

LOVE!?!? Pt1

Nathan Frazer x reader

AN: hi everyone sorry for being on and off recently just life has NOT been good to me just a lot mentally I'm trying to work on stuff but my motivation comes and goes but I wanted to start another series on top of the one I have rn until I can think of a story more so going forward for that one but recently I've been loving Nathan Frazer and there is BARELY any fan fics of him so I wanna change that this will be a reader x nathan Frazer this is pure indulgence for me but this will be a series and I have at least a first few chapters planned out and I will also in the beginning of the story use the fact that nathan and Thea are dating irl in this story line but I hope you guys enjoy it (ALSO IMPORTANT ive always liked Ali so I'm writing this as if he was still in WWE)

Y/n had recently been let go from her job as a makeup person on AEW. But lucky for her NXT was looking for a new makeup person for the girls and some of the guys for when special effects were needed. That was a few months ago now it had been a few months and she had made tons if new friends including Thea, Gigi, Roxanne and even RHEA BLOODY RIPLEY. And over time y/n have gotten to know a lot of the boys like Dominik, Wes, Ali and..... Nathan. See the thing is it's not like y/n DIDN'T like Nathan it was actually quite the opposite y/n LIKED him like had a crush on him. One problem though.... He was currently dating her best friend thea. They have been together for about 2 years now(I guessed) . She started to realise she liked him over the last few weeks are so and was to nervous to say anything for 2 reasons. 1. She didn't want to seem like a bad best friend for liking her bff's boyfriend if she told Thea and 2. She didn't want to tell anyone IN CASE it some how got around to thea. She didn't want to lose her best friend over a stupid crush of a stupid British boy(sorry but I'm allowed that comment I'm British myself). So she kept it a secret and made sure NO ONE would find out. The thing is being BFFs with your crushes girlfriend means you are around said crush All. THE. TIME. whenever there wasn't a backstage segment or a fight the 2 were always together. But luckily Nathan had been a lot busier recently due to being one half of the NXT men's tag team champions. But usually whenever he was around he would not have axiom his tag partner with him. Which was good because it kept your mind off of Nathan and helped you not feel like a third wheel as much. Now tonight you had a huge match you were facing Kalani Jordan for the NXT women's north American championship. You were nervous but also excited so you, thea, Sol, Nathan and axiom were all hanging out and you were warming up while talking with the others. "So do you feel ready for your match?" Axiom asked. "Yeah I'm nervous but I know kalani won't play dirty and I can trust she will be fair" she replied back "yeah you're gonna kill it I know you can do it!! " Thea said enthusiastically. "Thanks Thea I really hope I win because not only will this mean I get my first ever title but that means that I'm ready to actually BE a champion." As she finished her sentence her music her "wish me luck guys!" She said as he went out to the ring for her match.

SO that was part 1 to my new series if you guys have any requests please feel free to look at my request list if things I will write and again I'm so sorry for not posting my mental health has been really bad until recently and I finally have motivation to write again!!

[kusundei]

iiiii. am. normal. i mean? as normal as i’ll ever be.? its just like. yeah no i feel better sort of but thats also the bad part. oh bcuz who am i.? im trying again not to condemn myself over it but i cant exactly help feeling bad whenever iiii feel okay again. who am i to be normal??? to act like everything js okay and nothing happened?? its just. incredibly selfish. half the reason i keep just kind of distracting myself is because if i am alone for too long j will start thinking about it and i’ll be evil but isnt that whats supposed to be happening anyway? im not relinquished of anything. he can be as kind and sweet as he wants because he truly is just at his core but he is. way too kind to me when i am so incredibly undeserving.

ive always sort of felt undeserving of everything regarding him but i chose to look past it because i am better. i am a good person i am okay and i can be better and im not condemned to my past but idk. this just reminds me that no i am still selfish and i am still not . really a good person. it really has just kind of brought the attachment style and allll my doubts back into the forefront of my mind ljke it was before. like when we first started dating and i was horrified. didnt believe anything he said really but i worked through it its just like? why am i doubting him now? i was the one who hurt him so why is it making me? falter?

i mean im just asking a rhetorical question because i know. iiii always know. its just that i truly dont believe he means any of it anymore because j huuurt him. the one thing thats always sort of bothered me is when he deemed me perfect, which is such a nice and flattering sentiment but i think it weighed down pn me this feeling that i HAD to be perfect when i knew deep down i had already made such a bad mistake. which is why it was so scary? i knew how he was going to take jt and j tried to just accept it and work through it and j AM. i am i am i am but i keep going back and forth on how i want to deal with this. do i keep acting like im okay and everything is okay and live like that? because it would work and it would probably help him so much more than me focusing on how much i hate myself now but i just feel. horrible if i do do that. but is that me self sabotaging again by truly preferring to condemn myself and let this kill me? like it did last time?

i dont know. again it kind of has just reminded me of last time. but the issue with this compared to how it was with jd is that that issue w jd happened about a year and a half into our relationship and the worst part? it ruined it. it festered there and grew more and more till it killed both me and her because it stuck. ajax and i arent even at 2 months yet and jve already? done? something? that detrimental? its just like. i need to change something. find something. DO something different. because i know what i did with jd last time and jm trying not to repeat a cycle. i’ll be different ill try ill do everything i can because iii cant. as selfish as it is i cant let. this . go. i cant let HIM go either and j feel horrible about it again but i just i dont know

its just so weird because. its all came back. and its so unhelpful. because i KNOW hes still going through it and he doesnt believe me and things r just different but why is it also different for me? i should just be focused on him. doing the most i can to make him feel better and really emphasize that nothing has changed in me especially regarding how much i love him. its just i also keep just feeling. so. so guilty. it comes and goes in waves again. it truly is just the fact that hes right. because if i do love you this much then why would i do that to you? why did i do that? and my only answer is just that i am selfish. because i didnt know how to keep my mouth shut and i made such a personal thing out to be just another thing i could just say because iiiii trust them. but HE doesnt know them. j told her for what? because i needed her to know? she didnt need to know that. even if i was as shocked as i was and still processing it and wanted to talk about it i shouldve kept it to myself and processed it silently. instead i put him last and ignored the matter of fact that this would affect him badly just because iiiiii wanted to talk about it . i was selfish and put myself before him and this always happens when i do so. truly why dont i ever learn? what is wrong with me?? i keep kind of forgetting about it all and then it comes back. then goes then leaves. what sucks is truly that . im so doubtful again. its not that i dont trust him and i dont believe him its just that i hate myself. i hate myself all over again and its making me unable to believe that i deserve any of this AGAIN. that no. hes lying to me. he doesnt mean it hes just saying that? ive hurt him too much . because theres no way he just has no negative feelings toward me when i was the one who did that. and let alone if he IS telling the truth then thats worse because why am i spared? why am i given the benefit of the doubt when he has vocalized that if it was anyone else he wouldve hated them? so why is jt different for me? you SHOULD hate me. thats the problem.

[system-architect]

ngl im kinda excited to see how gunner would potentially react to the stabilized rata novus fractal!

u sent this ask to me 6 months ago and ive been kind of letting it marinate in my head while i also figure out how i really feel about soto and im proud to say that after half a year i finally have an answer for u:

he'd be fucking pissed

(long below)

i think that like, at first, gunner would be bonkers levels intrigued by the wizards and the fractal islands and everything about them conceptually. that's his jam. he would feel a bit salty and cheated he hadn't been 'let in on' all the wizard stuff before, because he feels that he works harder than anyone else and essentially deserves to have access to the same pool of knowledge that the wizards have and that it was basically kind of held back from him arbitrarily, but he digresses. it's at least cool to see Now

learning about and then entering the rata novus fractal island is where his opinion would shift heavily. i think he might be kind of initially excited.. it IS his home, without all the chak damage. it's intensely nostalgic to see. but after spending a few moments into it and learning more of its' premise (a rata novus that survived because they made 'different choices'), he'd feel... mocked and exploited, sort of.

for one, he'd feel weird and like it was dirty in a way that he, a living rata novan, was never simply asked any questions and then never had any sort of input on the creation of this thing. but more pressingly, seeing this sort of distorted 'happy bubble where nothing is wrong' version of the world would feel like it was mocking him specifically-- i mean, only 2% of the population of rata novus survived. he WATCHED these people die. he'd feel like the whole premise of the fractal was kind of shitty in a way-- that maybe if the rata novans made 'better choices' they wouldn't have all died or something, as it if was the entire city that brought on the destruction via mismanagement of chak+ley energy, not a small group consisting of zinn and his high council. furthermore, zinn gets to be here-- completely uncontested and flourshing in his happy-go-lucky leadership role, despite 1. gunner feeling that zinn is a colossal idiot 2. zinn having been one of the few who had survived and escaped in the first place.

on top of that all, it's an experiment, a simulacrum-- the entire city and all of the very real (if artificially created/reproduced) people inside can just be frozen or destroyed at will if the wizards have no use for them anymore. everything that rata novus actually was matters 0% here.

[slytherhys]

Strung-Out Heart VIII

A/N - A few things: 1. Keep in mind this is a FLASHBACK chapter. 2. Only part of it was beta'ed so please forgive me for any mistakes 🙏 3. I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I've been tweaking it for days to make sure Rowan's every emotion was as clear as possible because it's fundamental for this chapter so I really hope I delivered something worthy. Enjoy ♥

TW - mature themes, strong language, mention of an abusive relationship

I - II - III - IV - V - VI - VII

Rowan – 2 years ago

One year.

It had been twelve months and twelve days since Aelin had left, and Rowan still couldn’t wrap his head around what the fuck had happened. How had he gotten here? Where, exactly, had everything gone so tremendously wrong? A year ago, he had thought he was finally making all the right choices, finally moving forward with his life with the woman he loved beside him. Now, looking down his empty bottle with a frown, surrounded by his closest friends in what was supposed to be his birthday celebration, he felt more like he was 17 than his recently made 27.

He stared at the offending bottle, wondering if his friends would get mad if he left early. He hardly felt like celebrating, and he was pretty sure Lorcan was purposely giving him half-empty beer bottles.

He should probably switch to whiskey anyway – it was his birthday, after all.

All of his friends sat around one table at the back of Fenrys’ bar – Lorcan, Elide, Aedion and his boyfriend Kyllian and Fenrys. Even Chaol, a recent addition to their friend group Rowan wasn’t entirely sure he approved of, would drop by whenever he had a break from the bar. Everyone was having fun, and that was what mattered, he supposed. Even if he felt like getting shitfaced alone and maybe finding someone to go home with. Heaven knew he could use the distraction.

“To Rowan,” Elide’s sweet voice called from his left as she raised her glass of red wine. “Here’s to new beginnings – even in your old age.” She smirked, giving him a side-hug as the rest of the table cheered, jeering and chuckling as they took sips from their drinks. Rowan frowned at his drink again, but Lorcan handed him a new bottle before he could protest. A full one, too.

Weird.

“You okay?” His best friend asked just as everyone else started discussing Elide’s new bakery. It had only been open for two weeks but it was already doing amazing numbers. Rowan wasn’t surprised – it was a known fact she was an amazing baker.

“Yup.” He said simply, taking a sip from his new bottle. Lorcan frowned, probably not convinced, but Rowan had stopped trying to be convincing a long time ago – he no longer had the energy for it.

Sure, he should be celebrating. He had a new apartment, Cadre’s Ink was doing better than what they hoped for and just two days ago he had gone on an okay date with a very nice girl – but those things barely felt gratifying. Everyone avoided talking about the reason why, exactly, that was, but it hung over them, like a haunting presence that refused to leave them alone. Even if Elide toasted to new beginnings, he wasn’t sure she truly believed her own words. Hellas knew he didn’t.

He should let it all go – it was nothing he didn’t already know – but his mother had always told him his stubbornness would bite him in the ass one day, and it seemed like it applied to this as well.

Maybe he was a masochist – Elide had accused him of such just a few weeks earlier when she was helping him pack his things so he could move out of their old apartment. Maybe she had a point. Maybe there was no use in keeping most of the things he had kept, but his life with Aelin had been a fundamental part of who he was and getting rid of those memories felt too much like getting rid of a part of him he wasn’t willing to let go. Not yet at least.

“Are you still going to Wendlyn for Christmas?” Lorcan asked casually. Too casually. His friend knew better than anyone that Rowan was getting tired of constantly being coddled by everyone, but it never stopped him from constantly monitoring him. Rowan supposed he should be grateful for the friends he had but his birthday was clearly not meant to be a happy occasion.

Would she call him? Maybe leave a message?

Would she even remember it was his birthday?

Rowan shook his head, trying to get rid of his intrusive thoughts as he refocused on his friend. “Yeah, I think so.” He shrugged. He missed his family and being around them would probably do him some good. The Gods knew he needed a change of scenery.

“And…” Lorcan eyed him, lowering his voice so only Rowan could hear his next words. “Have you thought about moving?” He cleared his throat just as Elide’s and Fenrys’ laughter boomed around them.

Rowan quickly shook his head, dismissing the idea completely. “I’m your partner, Lorcan.” He took another sip, wishing for something stronger to numb the anger bubbling inside his chest. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Lorcan clearly heard what he wasn’t saying, and Rowan swallowed the bitterness that threatened to claw its way out. His anger had clearly made him entirely too transparent in recent months if even someone like Lorcan could read him that easily. “I would understand, Ro.”

“No.” He simply said, leaving no room for debate. “I’m not leaving you.”

Lorcan sighed, sounding tired. “Maybe Wendlyn would do you some good, though.”

“Yeah, and that’s why I’m going there on Christmas.” He shrugged, smirking at his friend. “Do you want to get rid of me that much?”

Lorcan ignored his attempt at humour. Hellas, it was his birthday – couldn’t he just give him a break?  “We’ve talked about opening a second location,” He shrugged, leaning against his chair, feigning serenity Rowan doubted he possessed. “Why not do it in your hometown?”

“It’s not happening, Lorcan.”

“Just because she left doesn’t mean you can’t leave too Rowan.” His jaw clenched even if his friend’s words were cautious. Gentle. “It’s not the same thing.”

“Will you fucking drop it?” He exploded, the joyous laughter around them ceasing suddenly as all eyes fell on him. Fucking great. “I’m going to get another drink.” He muttered, leaving before anyone could stop him.

When he had told Lorcan he was thinking about going back home he didn’t expect his best friend to be so eager about seeing him leave. It had been a passing thought; the consequence of too much alcohol and not enough sleep. Sure, it had sounded logical for a second – there wasn’t anything really keeping him in Orynth, so he saw no point in staying. But much like most of his thoughts these days, it was meaningless banter, as if testing his thoughts out loud to see if they felt right.

Truth be told, nothing felt right but staying in Orynth. Even if Aelin wasn’t around anymore, his entire life was here. He had a career – a purpose – his friends and his own apartment, however empty it might be still. Despite everything, he had created roots in Orynth and since the only person that might have made him consider leaving had left herself, nothing now could possibly drag him out of this city. 

Rowan ordered a glass of whiskey which Chaol promptly served him before attending to his other customers, but a hand on his shoulder interrupted him before he could take a sip. He fought the need to growl, instead smiling as he noticed it was Elide eyeing him with open curiosity. Rowan waited for the questions, the coddling, but she gave him nothing but a raised eyebrow.

“Are you sure you should be drinking whiskey?” He tilted his head. “You’re supposed to help me tomorrow, remember?”

Rowan rolled his eyes, smiling softly at her teasing. All the men were helping out Elide since she couldn’t afford to hire someone else, and tomorrow was his turn. Even if he had to get up at an abnormal hour, Elide knew damn well he wouldn’t slack off on his duties.

“I’m 27, El.”

Elide pursed his lips, taking the stool by his side. “I know, old man. That’s why I’m concerned.” She smirked and Rowan shook his head, laughing for the first time that night.

“Lorcan means well, you know.” She said as she signalled Chaol for a refill. “He can be a brute,” she shrugged. “But he’s looking out for you.”

“I know that.” And he did. He was just being an ass for the sake of it, apparently. “I’m just having a shit day.”

Elide nodded, wrinkling her brows as she stared at the wooden counter. “Some days are worse than others.” She smiled. “We can all try to help you but no one really knows what’s going inside your head, Ro.” She leaned against his arm, resting her head on his shoulder as they remained staring ahead of them. “But that’s a choice you’re making on your own.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

She chuckled at his indignant tone. “We’ve been trying to help you all year long and you’ve done nothing but push us away, Whitethorn.”

“It’s easier.” He said softly.

“I know,” She stood straighter as Chaol approached with her favoured wine, serving them with a smile and immediately leaving. “But you haven’t even tried.” She took a sip, a knowing glint in her brown eyes as she watched Rowan. “We’ve all been through shit. You know that.” She nodded towards the table where her friends were. “Fenrys can’t keep a relationship even if his life depends on it, Aedion has been ignoring his boyfriend all night long and Lorcan spent years of his life in an abusive relationship.” She said quietly, her eyes unseeing as she stared at their friends. “We all have all sorts of fucked up advice we could give you and yet you refuse us the honour.” She smirked slightly, blinking once before turning her eyes back on Rowan.

“And you?”

“Well, I’ll be here when the good parts begin.” She grinned, but a sliver of sadness crept into her eyes.

Rowan huffed, shaking his head as he took another sip of liquid courage. “And when do we get to that?” It was a rhetorical question. Kinda.

“You’d have to try and get over the bad.”

Rowan glanced at Elide, noting her smug smile as she took yet another sip. “When did you get so wise?”

She hopped off the stool, sending him a grin that lit up the entire room. “My wisdom has always been my greatest asset.” And then she was walking back to her boyfriend; to their friends, who were all celebrating his life with a happy smile on their faces.

So he went as well - the least he could do was try.

..............................

Birthdays could actually be fun if one stopped thinking about all the ways their life had gone to shit, Rowan thought with a chuckle as he finally managed to open the door to his new apartment. It still smelled slightly musty despite the open windows, and the walls were painted in a hideous yellow that made his eyes hurt but for the first time since he had bought it, it felt like home.

His room had already been painted sage-green, the smell of paint lingering in the air as he navigated through the card boxes that were standing as furniture until he finally unpacked his things, and even though it still lacked any decoration at all, it already felt like his room. The mattress was on the floor, since the bed frame he had ordered earlier that week was yet to arrive, but there were books by its side and his reading glasses on top of them next to a picture frame of his family. It wasn’t much, but they were pieces of him; of his new life.

He bent down, sitting on the mattress as he opened the closest box, where he knew a warmer duvet was stored. Maybe opening the windows in October hadn’t been the greatest idea, but he’d rather freeze than have a musty apartment. He pulled a wool duvet, a gift from his mother when he first moved to Terrasen, but a soft thud made his head snap back to the box. A book – a small paperback edition of Persuasion by Jane Austen. It wasn’t his book, but Rowan knew it had been on the bedside table, collecting dust. Elide had probably added it to the box without thinking twice, but now Rowan wondered if there was a reason…

He blinked once. Twice.

He’d promised Elide he would try just a few hours ago, but maybe this was a sign that he should try and talk to her. Just one last time. Maybe she would hear him and maybe he could kiss her again. He liked that idea. A lot.

Before his sluggish brain could catch up, Rowan was looking down at a picture of a smiling Aelin, his thumb hovering above the call button. Hellas, he had missed seeing her face. Why had he stopped? He couldn’t remember right now. He put his phone against his ear, letting the seconds go by as he tried to think of something clever to say.

Maybe it was the whiskey talking, but he had a good feeling about this.

He sighed, leaning against the wall, and ignoring the way his stomach seemed to be turning. “Hi, fireheart.” He closed his eyes, the name sounding sour on his tongue. Did she even like being called that anymore? He highly doubted it. “It’s my birthday.” He added lamely. “I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve been thinking a lot about you. Lorcan doesn’t like it, though.” He chuckled quietly, clearing his voice before he tried again. “Aedion told me you found friends and a new apartment, so I suppose that’s a good thing. I wonder if you ever miss me though,” he huffed, thinking of all the texts and calls he had hoped for and never received. “But I guess I know the answer to that.”

He hummed, suddenly feeling tired. “You were my best friend before I ever even kissed you, Aelin.” He sighed, suddenly feeling glum. What the fuck was he doing? “I don’t know what’s the point of this call, but I guess I wish I could see you again.” A pause. “Hear your voice.” Was his speech slurred? “It’s been a year and I’m still not entirely convinced I can live without you, fireheart. Do you think I’ll ever learn?” He would soon go mad if he didn’t.

Rowan stayed silent, trying to make sense of his thoughts. Would she even hear this? Or would she get the notification and delete it as easily as she had deleted him from her life? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but maybe it was a good thing future Rowan would be the one dealing with the consequences of his present actions – mainly considering he was seconds away from barfing.

“I’ll always love you, Aelin.” He said to the dimly lit room, promising himself it would be the last time he ever said the words. “Even if I’m not sure you deserve it.”

..............................

Rowan stared at his phone unblinking as he sipped from his third coffee that morning – an incredible perk of helping at the bakery, he supposed. Elide sat across from him, her eyes flickering between the counter, his phone, and his face.

He knew he looked like shit – he felt like it too. He had avoided looking in the mirror before he left his apartment and rushed to Elide’s bakery, asking for a cannoli and a black coffee in the hopes they would, somehow, make all his shitty actions more bearable.

Needless to say, they didn’t.

It was the middle of the morning, the first break they had since Elide’s opened, and even if he was exhausted, dragging his feet with every step he took, he suddenly wished for more customers to flood the bakery; to numb himself in exhaustion so he wouldn’t feel absolutely revolted with himself.  

“Ro?” Elide called gently, her hand reaching for his and pushing his phone down on the table. Rowan looked up at her, hating the understanding smile on her face.

“It didn’t send.” He simply muttered.

The first thing Rowan had done when he got to Elide minutes before she opened shop was tell her exactly what he had done last night, incapable of dealing with his heavy conscience. Elide had frowned and though he could see the curiosity in her eyes, she refrained from commenting; refrained from talking to him at all if he was being honest.

Somehow, he preferred her pitiful smiles to her silences, so he’d take what he could get.

He hadn’t been able to check his phone all morning, dreading whatever truth lied inside of it, and the more he stared at the screen the more he wished he was as oblivious as he had been those blissful five seconds when he had woken up. All good things in his life were short-lived, apparently.

“What?”

“It didn’t send.” He looked outside, unable to meet her knowing gaze and focusing on the heavy pour instead. November had come with a vengeance, it seemed. “Apparently the number doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Oh.” Elide frowned, opening her mouth as if about to say something when the door of the bakery opened again, the bell above it ringing pleasantly and signalling the arrival of more customers. Rowan stood up, giving Elide a kiss on the top of her head before turning to leave, but she stopped him before he could leave – his shift was over, anyway. “Is it time, then?” She asked, but Rowan furrowed his brows in confusion. “To move on, I mean.”

But Rowan wasn’t sure, so he sent her what he hoped was a reassuring smile before leaving the bakery, cursing under his breath as the rain seemed to come down even harder than before. He eyed the bar on the other side of the street. Was Fenrys already in?

Rowan rushed to the other side of the street, pushing the (thankfully) open door and letting it close behind him, drowning out the sounds of the storm. The lights were on, but there was no sight of Fenrys other than the sound of his voice.

“…when I can visit. Give me time, okay?” He sighed and Rowan walked towards the sound of his friend’s voice. “I don’t think I’m ready to see your new life, yet.” A pause followed by a low chuckle. “I’m sure I will, but it’s not him I’m concerned about. Are you happy, Aelin?”

Rowan went still, the breath in his lungs making a quick escape as he felt the colour drain out of his face. Was Fenrys talking to Aelin? His Aelin? Was that even possible? She changed numbers – he knew that for a fact now – and Aedion had told him she barely even talked to him.

“Not really,” Fenrys’ voice interrupted his thoughts. “But he’s surviving.” Rowan felt his stomach twist. Were they talking about him? The thought left a tart taste in his mouth. He didn’t want them talking about him. He didn’t even like the idea of Aelin being concerned over his well-being. Not anymore.

All the emotions of the previous night seemed to freeze inside his chest, locking away all the hopes he had foolishly nursed over a cursed book.

He's surviving.

And she was enjoying her new life, wasn’t she? Inviting old friends to see her after she had left without a single goodbye, gone in the middle of the night like a coward. Rowan reached for the ring he, for some reason, still carried with himself, squeezing the cold metal between his fingers, feeling the bite of the small diamond against his skin.

He walked away silently, ignoring the rain as he returned to his apartment. He’d text Fenrys later, but he couldn’t be with his friend right now.

Aedion had told him months ago that Aelin wasn’t coming back but some foolish part of him had refused to believe it. He had waited by their apartment for days, hadn’t sold it for months until he couldn’t stand the sight of it. He still felt his every cell looking for her every time he was in public. Was he cursed to live the rest of his days like this? Rowan refused.

She had clearly moved on and instead of doing the same, Rowan had held onto every bad omen like they were proof of her return. Could he blame his friends for their pitying gazes? He had spent an entire year going round in circles, waiting for her because he’d convinced himself that’s what you do when you love somebody. But what had he gained from it all? An unused engagement ring and an empty apartment decorated with cardboard boxes containing memories that didn’t feel like his anymore.

Rowan entered his apartment, ignoring the fact he was dripping all over the wooden floors, and walked to his room, opening the closet and reaching for the tiny velvet box he had kept inside.

He had carried his wishes all year around, holding onto hope that Aelin would return to him, like he always believed she meant to, and that maybe they could restart again. But Aelin, in true Aelin fashion, had dropped the fatal blow. She was living her life, reaching out to old friends and moving on swiftly. Why shouldn’t he do the same?

Rowan looked at the ring one last time before setting it back in its original box, closing it with a resonant snap.

It was time to move on.



…………….

TAG LIST: @superspiritfestival @llyncooljones @leiawritesstories @morganofthewildfire @bookcide @loves-books @thegreyj

[wanderrlust0]

sorry i wont shut up about this but i feel so conflicted right now!!D; and maybe typing it all out will help???

and I highly suggest to not read this unless you want to be here for an hour reading nonsense LOL

im seeing my bestie friday so im gonna tell her everythinggg and get her opinion on all of this before i see him again in a few days.

i just started to hang out with a "new" friend but it makes my bf uncomfortable and idk what to do about it... and tbh im not going to stop being friends with them:/ ik that sounds kinda shitty on the surface but its like asking me to cut someone off right after getting to know them.

im gonna explain almost all of the context....

okay, so... 2020 was a ruff year. it was covid and quarantine. my mom was super super strict about it. once people began to hang out in small circles bc cdc said it was okay to, while still being careful, i was still not allowed to leave my house. i felt soso isolated and alone and it was def one of my lowest moments. me & my bf were basically in a long distance relationship.. or thats what it felt like. all we had was facetime. he started to hang out with his friend from school more often (i had stuff to say to him about that & its in another post). after a couple of months, my mom finally let us see each other.. but it had to be in my backyard only and we couldn't be close. it was okay at first but after a while we got bored and wanted more. he got impatient and petty about it. i understood where he was coming from but i was trying to be as optimistic as i could, even tho it was hard. its bc even for like the 1-2 hrs i got to see him, it made my day. (my friends were also starting to hangout in their backyards but i never told my mom bc i figured she wouldnt let me go.. but when i told her afterwards, she said she would have..??)

it was getting colder outside which made it harder for us to see each other. it was also just a sucky situation and it was creating some resentment. he wanted to talk with me on ft about it and i knew it would be serious. AND IT WAS. he did most of the talking and it was leading to a breakup. BUT (this is important) he couldnt for the life of him break up with me, let alone say the words.. SO.. he suggested that we do a break. neither of us have done that before but its obvious that it means its temporary and you use that time to figure things out and get some space (we DEFINITELY shouldve been clearer about it). he got emotional and i held mine in. he was saying all these good things about me and how he still wants me in his life and that we can get together again; that we would still talk everyday and be friends. at the time, weve been dating for about a year and a half. right after we hung up i bawled my eyes out and immediately facetimed my best friend in FL.

days go by and me and him are still talking everyday, only in a more friendly, platonic manner. eventually, he starts replying later and later, he turns off his location, and its like i feel forgotten about. im so used to knowing what hes doing that now it feels weird to not know and its hard to adapt to these changes.

I download tinder to find some FRIENDS to talk to (only for girls). he was barely talking to me and i was questioning our friendship relationship (situationship i guess). although i dont remember the details of my profile, i DEF made it clear that i was on there for making friends only. i had no intention of pursuing anyone for a relationship... bc i had my "bf" still. HE clearly went a diff route during our break....too much to unpack there but in the end, it just made him want to come back to me.

So.... Snow (that is their nickname ive given them for tumblr) was one of those people who i chatted with on tinder. theyre female but identify as they/them (i dont think they used those pronouns when we first started talking tho). they msgd first and our convo was actually really long-lasting so we followed each other on IG. (theyre also not the only one i've exchanged IG with so its not like i only gave it to them). Yes, I thought they were pretty when i swiped. sue me. i think many people are pretty. its just me acknowledging when someones aesthetically pleasing. eventually, we talked less and i also went on tinder less. After about a month into me and my bfs break, he begins to talk to me more like he used to. Then he asks if he can see me bc he missed me. Still cant leave my house with him but we hang out and its nice. HE ASKS ME IF I MET ANYONE NEW. i say no and hes like ...really?you sure? I ask him the same and he says no (while breaking eye contact,, literal red flag but i was blindsided). he tells me the truth over FT and that ruined me way more than i let on. (i think he's feeling a similar way now but for diff reasons)

we got back together after and the rest of the year (2021) was super fun. weve now been together for almost 4 1/2 years! since our BREAK NOT BREAKUP (not me @ ing him when he wont even see this) me and snow comment on each others IG posts now and again. for ex, ive said they looked so prettyyy & i would compliment their makeup skills. they would reply in a cute/flattery way. thats how they reply to comments. theyre also very embellished, like with emojis. theyve commented on my pics saying i look cute and hyping me up with compliments as well. it just turned into a natural, mutual thing; idk how else to describe it. its like having an online friend where you only interact thru the comments to show kindness. LOL IDK that sounds corny but yeah. girly things i guess. & then irl its so subdued.

so aside from the comments, we would react to each others stories like once in a blue moon. they posted about watching demon slayer so i said its a good anime. i posted me and my bfs halloween costumes and they said we looked so cute. fast fwd to the end of last yr... we said happy bday to each other and i brought up the idea of possibly hanging out one day if theyre down. so yes, i asked first. they said they would love to and that they were glad i asked bc they were too anxious to ask themselves (mood). im surprised at myself that i even asked but i guess i felt comfortable enough.

(i feel like im writing my own biography omg..) anyways, we get each others numbers and talk about our schedules. we were both very busy so nothing happened. we sporadically made small talk, as one does with their internet friend, over a couple of months. we talked on IG more & also thought about the plans for when we hang out. its now like almost summer and they text me asking if i was free last minute to hang out bc they were gonna be in my town but i was busy.

its now like a month later and i see them at the mall with their friend when i was with my bf. (i already spoke about this so i wont repeat it). after that day, we finally made a day to hang out. bf wasnt happy about it; i tried to reassure him; he saw and still sees them as someone to worry about; he thinks im gonna do something stupid and act out on any fantasies i may have. he knows im bi; he sees snow as someone who looks queer. he thinks that our intentions are to get closer to each other in a way that crosses a friendship.

he saw me listening to a playlist titled sapphic energy. it just consists of songs i enjoy by female artists and ive had that playlist for a long time now. i only edited the title.. but just now i switched it back to what it was before so thats ONE thing "fixed" to make him at ease.

he doesnt believe me when i tell him that my only intention and motive here is to make a good, new friendship. THATS ALL I WANT. AND THATS ALL SNOW WANTS. i can see how it can look like its more from an outside perspective bc of our IG comments but it was not like that in person at all!! it just felt like hanging out with a friend and introducing new things to each other like shows and foods. snow even made it clear that once someone is their friend, they cant see them any other way and that formed to protect their feelings. when we hung out there were literally no signs of feelings or anything that would cross boundaries. i didnt get that feeling i get when i have a crush and lose all my brain cells. by our second hang out we were past any awkwardness and it felt like a regular day out with a friend.

I did look cute that day but i always dress up!!! i dress up like every time i see my bf. i dress up for work. i dress up when im going out with friends. i enjoy fashion and makeup and looking pretty,,

last yr he was using bumble friends and he met up with a guy but they havent hung out since. ive helped him swipe on people before and i was okay with it, except when it was like an attractive girl.. would that be hypocritical of me tho?...idk. we def both get kinda jealous over these things. i can get territorial, like he is mine lol i am his. we would never be open or add a third and the thought of him befriending new females made me nervous. especially after what happened during our break. like idk, that still sticks with me and makes me think of bad feelings..and even more especially now after finding out about what he and his friend did.. but me feeling nervous about that is like what HE is feeling (T-T) I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP AND IT SUCKS. i dont think i catch feelings easily. i dont get butterflies over people easily. im not an openly sexual person.

like. am i being unfair by continuing this friendship? snow doesnt know how he feels about us. idek if its worth telling but im gonna wait till more time passes and see how things go. would him hanging out with us make him feel better?? would it be too weird? he already doesnt like the idea of snow so how would he be in a room with them.

i wanna fast fwd to friday so i can tell my bestie about it and then fast fwd to sunday so i can see him. he is still not back to his usual self when we talk on snap. he tries to save serious confrontations for in person bc he sounds angry thru text so even tho itll make me nervous, i still wanna work this out so it doesnt ruin our relationship.

[boypussydilf]

sherlock. what is it's gender. what is their deal. speak your trutg

oh dear with the state of my blog its now hard to tell when people walk up to me and say sherlock if they mean dgs sherlock the og or any of the several others ive started talking about. we need to like. color code them. anyway im gonna talk about dgs sherlock bc hes the one im most likely to have proper thoughts on and then probably also do one for mostly just. like. the general concept actually thinking about it i do have many thoughts on Non-DGS Sherlock i dont know why i allowed myself to think i didnt . i just get caught up in the bimbo dad but i like the entire folder hes stored in

dgs first tho <333333

Sexuality Headcanon: gay. Just gay

Gender Headcanon: If i had to make 1 decision. genderfluid <3 Sherlock Holmes (DGS) can fit so much gender in her !!!!!!!!!

A ship I have with said character: *looks at my blog* *looks at my pinned post* um i think you guys know . already. the only one i have . do i need to say it

A BROTP I have with said character: i mean. Iris. they r best friends for real ! they r like the most important people to each other ! they r this guy and their 10 year old daughter who packs peanut butter jelly sandwiches for them !!!

A NOTP I have with said character: im gonna be petty and say vanlock. i blocked the tag bc i got tired of seeing it. actually even moreso i like physically recoil when i see ppl shipping him with ryuu, it fucking. completely baffles me. like. nothing wrong with that. people who ship them aren’t weird in That sense. but theyre weird as in I can’t understand what compels you to do this . i dont like vanlock but i can Understand why people do i just got extra sick of it bc its semi common. i cant understand why people ship sherlock and ryuu. like youve misread the vibe badly. this is not it. oh dear god this just got 5 times as long as all the other sections of this fucking ask meme. power of being slightly annoyed sorry

A random headcanon: UHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD . I KNOW i have headcanons abou t this bitch he swarms around in my mind all the time. I am imagining Random Exploits of the DGS Cast on a daily basis where did the fucking Concepts and Ideas go. ill return to this once ive done everything else and see if i havent thought of anything fun by then. ive thought about it some more and my most recent thought on him has been like. she knows some russian and japanese right? actually a fucking lot of russian to be able to read entire newspaper articles but thats besides the point i just think that sherlock knowing several different languages is neat but, Like. its pure chance if she ever manages to learn enough to be able to …. use it. once every several months sherlock will get really really excited about a new foreign language and put in like 2 weeks of work before forgetting about it completely. he has the vocabulary of a very young toddler in half a dozen different languages and is remembering those vocabularies by sheer luck

General Opinion over said character: Im normal iam normal normal im normal and regular . im normal and im normal about him and i dont intend to put him under a microscope or anything. i am not putting him in a little plastic box and shaking him to find out what happens . *extends my hand ibuprofen style* who wants to speculate about dgs in hyperspecific ways with me. hello my like 3 dgs followers do you have thoughts on sherlock holmes. tell them to me. lets all be normal. Anyway uh hes funny

IVE GOTTEN THAT BITCH OUT OF THE WAY LETS TALK ABOUT …… im not even sure. The General Concept of Sherlock Holmes on a Wide Scale, which, like, ultimately probably just boils down to: acd holmes. time to get philosophical with it. thats not the right word.

Sexuality Headcanon: sherlock is either gay or aroace or some more specific combination of all previous terms. Hey does that… even count as headcanon? Ultimately my stance is “whatever as long as sherlock holmes is not interested in women” and it is stated very clearly explicitly and repeatedly in canon that sherlock holmes is not interested in women so . like.

Gender Headcanon: You know what’s funny is expressing disdain for women is an effective way to distance yourself from femininity in general, for instance, to assert masculinity as a trans man, or as a negative reaction to being a trans woman. So. Like.

A ship I have with said character: at first i was like “its just kind of an objective fact that sherlock and watson are gay but i dont have emotional investment in it” but that was a fucking lie

A BROTP I have with said character: SHERLOCK HOLMES DOES NOT HAVE FRIENDS. I DONT FUCKING KNOW, TOBY THE DOG?

A NOTP I have with said character: The next time an adaptation tries to make him and irene adler straight together im going to thr authors house and shooting them point blank. shut up shut up shut up shut up. they would NOT

A random headcanon: man i dont even fucking know. he probably eats food off the floor and i mean this genuinely

General Opinion over said character: Sherlock Holmes is the ultimate Little Freak. Like 80% of the joy of any sherlock holmes media is “Watch this Freak Behave Oddly”. Some people think he would be hard to get along with personally i think we would make very good friends and i would love to hang out with the Freak.

Man. I hope this post isn’t actually as long and hard to look at as it looks in the mobile post editor. Unfortunately it probably is

[chicken2potato]

I saw Devon last night. And man. What a fever dream it feels like. I was drunk as fuck. I knew it was him as soon as he said my name. And as soon as he did, I knew my night was ruined.

Why? Like just why? Why talk to me? Why apologize? Why say its something big going on? Like bro I know about your baby mama, your kid, you sold drugs, you're on probation. Yada yada yada. Like I still loved you. I know on paper i shouldnt have but damn. You said all the right fucking things?? You made me feel seen. You made me feel accepted. And loved. And cared about. You told me you loved me. And like we talked about some serious shit. Devon, we went through serious shit!! Like what the fuck is it thats so fucking terrible that you can't tell me? And then for you to ask me if i was driving home that night? And that I shouldnt? Why would you even fucking care if I did? What if I crashed right into a fucking barrier? What if I died? You wouldnt fucking give a shit. Because you'll just be glad maybe that you wont ever have to see my at the Quarry anymore. I mean you left. You disappeared. It was one day I was waking up to kisses and we kissed every time we left each other. And we made dinner together. Do you remember that night, Devon? The Pesto. I've never done that with someone. It was those intimate moments where I felt whole. I felt like I was in a movie. Sure there were problems. But we're making pesto and jamming to music at 2 in the morning and for that moment everything was okay and right and good. And then you left. And then one day it was "left on delivered". Then "left on read". Then unfriended. It was the day before my fucking birthday when you unadded me from Snap. My fucking birthday. You remember before Valentines day you asked if we should get something for each other or not? I said we didnt have to because i knew we were both broke as fuck and plus then you could just get me something for my birthday. I mean its only a month later, whats the big deal. We really only just met each other anyway. No harm no foul. But something deep inside me immediately knew i was never going to get a birthday present. I was right. Go me.

But why talk to me? What was there to gain from it? I finally felt like I was getting better. You know I saw you. When i was on the patio. The first shot. I saw you out of my peripheral and I thought "No. Fucking. Way." Of course. I did EVERYTHING i could to pretend you weren't there. Mostly just making it seem like it was because I was drunk. I saw you when I was dancing with my friend. You were right there. But you know why i felt like I was finally getting better? Because I didn't feel like my night was ruined yet. You didn't talk to me, there was no acknowledgement. I was fine as long as we stayed in our bubbles. I had a wonderful fucking time.

And then you talked to me.

And then I couldn't stop thinking about you.

Then i got home at 3. Paced for an hour and a half. And finally fell asleep at 5 30. I had to wake up at 9 for work. I have a fucking life. Why do you keep fucking it up? Are you doing it on purpose? Are you trying to "stop me from getting hurt so i wont tell her stuff to protect her" macho bullshit?? Devon. I'm a grown ass fucking woman. I can make my own fucking decisions. If its too much, let ME decide that. You're hurting me by not letting me in. You're destroying me. You have destroyed me.

Do you know how fucking hard the post partum depression hit? I almost actually killed myself once. Ive never ever fucking gotten that far before. But i had fucking no one. No. One. Not you. Not the baby. It was just me. Like no one even fucking knows Devon. Do you know what its like to carry that fucking heaviness around for 24 hrs a day and not being able to tell a single soul??? I couldn't take it anymore. I almost killed myself. I just needed it to all fucking end.

And now you're back apologizing like you didn't just destroy everything I've ever hoped and dreamed of. And it would have been so much better with you there. And i know it. Because if you were there i would've had a hand to hold. A shoulder to cry on. A future to see and to grasp onto during my depression. I would have you. Thats all I wanted was you. It was hard yeah. And I know we were kind of getting on each others nerves. Is that why you left? Because we had a bad week or two? Devon, every relationship is going to have times where things don't go good. That doesn't mean you just leave? You work through it. Devon I was going through so many hormonal changes. I just needed you to be my one steady constant. And then you ripped the rug right out from beneath me. Like I meant fucking nothing to you.

I dont know if seeing you helped me get better or made it worse. I do still genuinely care about you and love you. Im proud of you for getting off probation on Tuesday. And I'm so happy you're finally in the field work you want to be in. It really does bring my heart happiness to hear that. But that also doesnt change the fact that I'm still pissed off. Clearly if you couldn't tell. And i know I have every right to be. I'm trying so hard not to be mean. I know theres a few snippets in there that are mean and for that I'm sorry. But considering whats happened, I think I've earned a few jabs here and there. It wont last forever. Eventually the anger will go away and I will be better. I hope you get better. Whatever it is that you're dealing with, I hope it gets better. Truly.

And that's most everything I would probably say to him. Idk if any of it makes sense or if im just crazy after everything. Also I'm high. I also need to go to bed because I have work early in the morning. 4 to be exact. Isn't that so gross? Hate my life honestly. I ran on like 3 hrs of sleep today, got hailed on, soaked, walked around in soaked jeans, and just had rude asf members today. And then also everything with Curti? Omg. My brain has been so full. I need to go to bed. 🤦