#ive never been in a healthy relationship ive barely ever had Good friends

[girlburnsalive]

Vent/diary/tmi . Donot read this if youve been to my house or live in my house you will not enjoy it. You know who yous ares

I fell asleep to the smiths last night and the night before that it was the paper chase so i think that counts for progress. But god i am going off the deep end i feel totally out of control and lost. I can wrangle myself enough to shower take care of responsibilities ykno do the practical functional things but in my emotional life? Hoo boy. I didnt follow my weed plan friday or saturday nights, also i got drunk both those nights. Last night i was responsible tho and went down to my next lower weed dosage even though it was a bitch. Its like ive been seeking out the most intense possible experiences good and bad. I wanted to start to cope with the breakup in the healthy way but i dont feel able to stop this. And i dont know what to do about my boytoy bc that crush is not going away. Im turning the tide on convincing myself its not a good idea to date him (hes got a messy room. not as sensitive as i'd need. not on my gore-eroticism wavelength) but i still get those pangs in my body for him. Im stubborn as hell and i think my feelings are too and the harder i fight them the harder they stick around. And he makes my heart full and he makes it hurt and its all mixed up with my feelings about my ex and about my high school best friend who i was always into but too shy to make a move. Boytoy...well less now that i know him better, boytoy is more sunshine on the inside less teen angst, but he really reminds me of the high school guy. Im genuinely lost on what to do, i know the smart thing is to take space but i cant bring myself to do that, the dumb thing would be to pine pine along and fall deep into that heartbreak and unwantedness and shameful desire like i want to all over again, and it isnt smart either to be keeping on how im going, just forcing myself to act casual around him when this giant unacknowledged thing pushes everything else out of my chest & my head when i see him til i can barely keep track of what he's saying sometimes cause of how bad i want him. Ok honestly i need to get laid but im a traumatized demisexual transgender so thats an ordeal of itself, i cant just go and hook up and be satisfied try as i might, it takes time for me to build a satisfying sexual relationship. Oh and guess who im furthest along on that process with right now, who's my best shot at getting laid in the near future? Yes thats right the guy im trying not to be in love with! AGHHH

At least hes emotionally oblivious/doesnt know me as well as high school boy did so he cant recognize & be repulsed & driven away by how disgusting much i want him. How loud the urge in me gets to pin him down and make him sing. I had too much shame to ever even fantasize about high school boy, i just got flashes of impulses when i noticed his big hands or saw him with his shirt off. I think the only time i touched myself over him was that night we went to a concert and got contact high from everyone smoking weed around us and cuddled and touched each others hair in the backseat of my dads car. A few days before i left town i had a sleepover and shared the bed with him and woke up to him tucked into me little spoon and didnt move an inch, not even when the rest of the house woke up, only when he woke up enough for me to be self conscious again. I'll never know if he moved to me in his sleep thinking of his girlfriend or just instinctually seeking out a warm body or if it was deliberate. (Or if it was all me, i never considered that before, if all my horrible longing came out for a last unconscious goodbye.) I could never get a hold of him to talk once i moved away. I cant bring myself to try very hard when he hasn't made the effort either.

Why do i want that hurt again and again and again? Why is it easier to hover in that in between than to be with someone who wants me back? Why do i keep fucking putting myself in this situation of mismatched affection and why cant i seem to get out of it of my own volition? Why can't things ever just be simple and good why does love just keep hurting me

[amor-immortalem]

I Think I'm OKAY

genre: Angst, hurt comfort

length: two parter

warning(s): Feelings of abandonment, self-depreciating thoughts, suicidal thoughts (briefly), feelings of not being good enough, feelings of being unneeded and unloved

A/N: its just been a day guys. And Ive been think about this all day so I just wrote to get tge thoughs out of my head.

this takes place a few months after the epilogue of Everything Undesired where Azalea is still coming to grips with the fact that she's not her father's heir like she always thought she had been. Mammon and Arella really did try to make time for her but things just never worked out in their favor and it ended up giving their daughter abandonment issues.

She’s lost. Not physically but mentally- Azalea doesn’t know where to go or what her purpose is. Ever since her older brother returned from where ever the hell he’s been her whole life, she’s felt more alone than ever before. From her parents being busier than ever helping Cyrus readjust to life here in the Devildom to her twin brother being curious enough about their new older brother to spend all his time trying to get to know him, no one has time for Azalea any more.

Whenever she tries to reach out to either her parents or her brother she gets blown off. It’s always ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it.’ or ‘I’m sorry, I forgot that was today.’ Forgot? How does one just forget about their child? And Azalea is sorry too. She’s sorry for existing. Maybe everyone is just tired of her. Maybe they didn’t need her anymore? After all, she was just her father’s back up plan. A back up plan. Yeah, it sounded as bad as it hurt- to think that’s the only reason he kept her around all this time. Despite how she might try, all she could ever do is fuck up. Why would her parents ever need a child like that?

She feels abandoned, unneeded. All she ever wanted was to make them proud- she pushed herself to maintain the perfect grades just for their praise. Hell, she’d even forced herself to take advanced placement and honors courses just for their approval but they hadn’t even noticed. And it’s not like she hadn’t tried to show them. The last report card she got in her last year of middle school had a note attached to it stating that when she entered RAD, she’d be welcomed into the advanced courses but of course they had been too busy to even look. Both of her parents assumed nothing had changed so they just didn’t need to see something they had seen hundreds of times already.

Why did they stop loving me? The half-demon thinks to herself, Was it all the fights? Was I not good enough for them? I wish I could make them happy the way my brothers do. I wish I was perfect like them, maybe then they wouldn’t have forgotten about me. Maybe I would still belong. What did I do wrong? Azalea can feel the tears dripping down her face. I’m crying? Again? Pathetic. People like me don’t cry.

She hurriedly wipes them away as she looks up at the stars that dot the night sky of the Devildom. She’s pretty high up on a rooftop. She wonders if a fall from this height might kill her or would it just leave her badly injured- the idea’s tempting. She’d come up here to clear her mind and sort out her feelings with how things had changed- how everything she thought she was meant to be had been ripped away from her, but it had just made things worse. She thought she was okay with all this change but after trying for months to find something new to do with the rest of forever, she found out the only thing she was ever any good at was getting into fights. Sure, she’d taken up sports on her uncle Beel’s suggestion but that led to even more pain when time after time, neither of her parents could be bothered show up.

Her phone lights up with a text from her father.

Dad:

Why weren’t ya at dinner today?

Azalea:

Why weren’t you and Mum at my meet today? Ya know like you promised ya would be?

Dad:

‘Zay c’mon don’t be like that. We said we were sorry but something important came up and we couldn’t make it

Azalea:

Sure whatever you say old man

Its what you always say

It's always something more important ain’t it?

Something more important than me.

Dad:

Azalea

Azalea:

Shove it old man. I don’t wanna hear it right now.

She always gets the short end of the stick. For parents that claim they care about her, they sure had a shitty way of showing it. As the family’s resident trouble maker, she’s not good enough for them. Whatever, she doesn’t even need them anyway. She deserves better than a family that doesn’t care. A family she no longer has a place in. And that was fine by her. Now that she’d finally admitted it to herself, she found it would be easier to ignore her entire family and live life depending on only herself.

With a shuddering huff, the girl shuts her D.D.D off and shoves it in her jacket pocket. She leaves the roof top, still in tears headed for the House of Lamentation.

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“Arella, I have to go and find our daughter.” Mammon sighs as he gets his jacket on.

“She’s still upset about the track meet, isn’t she?” The black-haired human frowns “If you’ll give me a moment, I can ask Aurelius if he’ll watch Mahlon and I’ll go with you. This is something we should address together.”

“I don’t think we got the time to waste, Hon. She stopped respondin’ ta my texts and isn’t answerin’ her phone. If I don’t go now, she might so something to herself. I’ll be able to cover more ground quicker if I fly since she could be anywhere- even up high where we wouldn’t be able to see her that easily.”

“Then go on, I’ll talk to her when she gets home.” Arella nods as her husband leaves.

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She enters her room through the garage door entrance. She really didn’t need to considering Azalea was the only one home currently. She knew Aurelius and Zulima would be gone for the rest of the weekend but still she locked her door to prevent any unwanted visitors- mainly her parents as she knew they’d probably come looking for her after the message she’d sent to her father earlier.

She looked over at the stack of unopened akuzon boxes- all gifts sent to her by her parents as ‘apologies’ for various things. Yeah sure, gifts were nice when they were for things like birthdays or Christmas but not when they were used as a way to placate her feelings when her parents missed things like track meets or science fairs or school functions that they promised they would be there for. It felt like a shallow apology so Azalea never opened any of them. They were starting to collect dust now.

Just because greed is her sin doesn’t mean its satisfied by material objects alone. There was more to it than that. Her sin specifically manifests with being greedy for healthy interpersonal relationships- things like money or material objects only did the bare minimum to help keep it under control and satisfied. She wanted her parents’ attention and only that so when they failed to keep their promises, it hurts her deeper than either of them understands- Azalea doesn’t even have the words to describe how it hurts her.

As she plops down on her sectional and flips on the projection of stars and constellations from the human world to calm herself down, she thinks about the way her greed is eating her alive as she turns on some music- a song her friend from the human world showed her called ‘I Think I’m Okay’. It was a song she really related to for some reason. As the song plays on loop, she thinks about how when she was younger- before her youngest brother was born- she was always of healthy weight and body condition. Nowadays with the lack of ability to satisfy her sin, she was just skin and bone. Despite eating constantly, she always feels like she’s starving and she’d be lucky if she weighed in at 90 pounds soaking wet- all of it coming from the weight of her bones and muscle. Her body is just burning through everything too fast and at this point Azalea doesn’t know whether or not she even has the energy to waste to transform into her demon form anymore.

The half-demon hears a faint knock at the door. Maybe if she doesn’t answer then whoever it is will get the hint and go away. As she watches the door open, a scowl appears on her face. Of course her father would pick the lock on her door. She doesn’t know why she’s even surprised right now. He never knows when to leave well enough alone.

“We need to talk...” Mammon says as he sits down on the couch next to her.

“I don’t wanna. Get lost.” the teenager rolls on to her side away from her father.

“Too bad. I’m not leavin’ until we do.”

“Then prepare ta die in here cuz I refuse.” She can’t let him fool her into accepting his apology when she knows full well he doesn’t mean it.

“You really are just like your ma sometimes- stubborn as all get out.” He sighs. “I see ya never opened yer packages. Why?”

She continued to ignore him. How can she get out of this? Maybe if she closed her eyes, she could fool him into thinking she was asleep.

Just get frustrated and leave already. It’s what ya always do when I won’t talk to ya.

She waits an hour, two, three but still he doesn’t leave.

Man is this getting annoying! Why won’t he just give up and go home already?

“Well, since ya won’t talk, I will. Ya know, Mom and I really are sorry we couldn’t be there this afternoon... I know you’re upset about it but we got called to an emergency meeting at the castle and we... kinda... forgot what time it was by time we were done.  I know we don’t have a lot of time to spend with ya anymore but things are just so crazy right now... it’s difficult and when ya act like a brat like this it doesn’t make things any easier.” And Mammon realizes too late that he’s said the wrong thing and put his foot in his mouth.

“Right... cuz that’s all I am is a spoiled brat...” Azalea can’t help the way her voice quakes. “I’m a brat because I asked for you and mum to pay attention to me over the boys just this once and you two let me down and now, I’m getting blamed for being as upset as I am. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.”

“Azalea, that’s not what I meant and you know that,” Mammon places his hand on her shoulder to turn her over and is shocked when all he feels is bone and muscles that are beginning to atrophy. “What are you doing to yourself? Yer nothin’ but skin an’ bone, Baby.”

“I’M NOT THE ONE WHOSE DOING THIS TO ME!” she roars as she hops up from the couch. “IT’S YOU TWO. YOU’RE THE ONES DOING THIS TO ME!” and then her voice suddenly drops. “But you would notice that if you spent more than five seconds with me. My greed is eating me alive and it’s your fault. I’ve tried for months to get you or Mum to spend time with me and I get forgotten about every time because something ‘more important’ comes up or you also make plans with Aurelius or Cyrus and choose to do that over spending time with me. It’s either that or you both choose Mahlon over me and it’s literally killing me. I get that they all need you guys too and I’m not more important than them but it feels like they’re more important to you than me. And I hate it because...” She lets out a sob as she sinks to her knees, “Because you two are the most important people to me.”

Mammon looks at his daughter with a horrified look on his face. His only daughter feels like she’s not important to them but she was right in a way. Both he and Arella had been choosing her brothers over her- not intentionally but he can see why she would come to that conclusion. This was a very crucial time in her life having had everything she thought she was taken away and she was lost with no clue where to go. He and her mother should have been right by her side, helping her find a new path in life this whole time but instead they got so wrapped up in work and other things that now their daughter was suffering the consequences.

“No, baby that’s not true.” The demon says as he wraps his little girl up in his arms. “You are so important to us too.” He rubs her back as he rocks her back and forth, “We love you so much and I’m so sorry we haven’t made ya feel like that. We’re gonna do better from now on. I promise, okay?”

Azalea is hesitant to nod. How many times had she heard the word promise and then had that promise broken but even now as she’s wrapped up in her father’s arms, she’s starting to feel the overwhelming weight of her sin slowly start to go away. She just rests her head against his chest as her puffy teary blue to gold eyes start to slip closed ever so slowly.

“Sweet dreams, Princess.” He says as he runs he hand through her hair and places a kiss to the top of her head.

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Find more on my masterlist

[omegawolverine]

I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

a year in the books - 8/9/22

It always just amazes me how much can change from the previous time I write here. I have definitely neglected this space for quite some time (longer than usual) as its been almost a YEAR! It’s always so insane to see how much has changed and where i am now from where i was in the last post. I truly don’t even know where to begin, but I guess i will just state the fact that tomorrow is my one year anniversary of living in NYC.... HOWWW?! So much has happened over the past year. New friendships, self growth, hurt, feeling lost, finding myself, you name it its happened. Its crazy to read my last post and see how un settled this city made me feel. I can now leave my apartment and get just about anywhere by memory. I have so much to say and update on so I guess we shall start with a big part of my last post. D. 

Wowow i don’t know what to say but girlllll you were just getting started with this heartbreak. To say being in a toxic relationship is difficult is just an understatement. Its definitely been one of the biggest struggles from the past year. I have been hurt countless times, but yet i still find myself stuck in the same place. From where I was a year ago, I’ve been back and forth and pulled in every direct. From a genuine relationship to a hook up to a toxic friendship to friends to enemies and back, we still gravitate towards one another. Our relationship makes zero sense to me, but id like to think my mental state of the relationship has begun to take positive steps out of the toxicity. It’s hard to say what the future looks like but all I can hope is that I find a way through this muddy path. I know I am capable and I hope to continue to work on finding my way out... I guess thats all I can really say.

other than THAT! lol so so so much good has happened. Sometime after this post I pushed myself out of my comfortzone to make nyc MY city with MY friends. It took some trial and error, but through a literal friend dating app I found my best friends who I now could not imagine life without. Were literally going on our second trip together this weekend like thats how freaking amazing they are. They make NYC home and I couldnt be more grateful. Not only do I have them, but ive been able to connect with people who I barely knew im college, I have molly and her friends and I even had brooke (who unfortunately just moved back to LA) for so much of the past year. Once i got out of my comfort zone this city really openned up to me. My friends here are the reason I love new york as much as I do and for that I am forever grateful.

Not only have my relationships changed, but MY JOB changed. This I never thought I’d be saying a year ago, mostly because I thought my job was going to be the coolest thing ever. It was at first, dont get my wrong, but once things set into place i realized the scam that is reality TV lol. I am now at a new job that has been one of the most challenging ones yet. Hold onto your seat bc you wont believe this... I AM SO BUSY. I thought i was cursed w boring jobs hahah but not the case anymore!! I really really struggled the first few weeks, but id like to think im getting the hang of it now. Its still in influener marketing which I enjoy, but now i do everything from sourcing talent to contracting to runnning a full campaign. I hope to stay in this role for a bit and grow at the company because it definitely seems like there is a ton of room for it. Im excited to see what the future holds w this career path.

Another big thing is I started therapy this year! It is something ive always been so scared to do, but something i really needed. I am so good at venting to an online portal, but actually seeking a mental health outlet has been so good for me. Sometimes i doubt my progress, but ive been able to open up a lot more and id like to think its made me more overall healthy. 

I feel like thats a pretty lengthy update on the life status for now, but i hope to come back soon w even more life  wins and not go so long without writing here! I am so so excited to see what the future holds, how my nyc life will progress, and what new challenges will come my way to make me even stronger. 

xx,

C

[aliensunflower-fics]

Attitude - [Bustier Salt]

[ I had a teacher like Bustier back in highschool, I was depressed and being bullied at the time among other horrible things so I REALLY dont like Bustier’s character for reminding me of that. So I based this fic somewhat on an actual event that happened with that teacher it was therapeutic! Hope you enjoy! ]

Marinette sighed, a mix of amusement and annoyance gracing her features as class was interrupted for the third time that day, this time it was Kim and Alix the competitive pair loudly declaring war on one another this time over who could procure the better mark on Bustier’s upcoming test. It was certainly the least destructive challenge the two had ever entered but Marinette could already see the many ways they could and probably would take it to far. She’d bet that Max would end up in a tug a war as both challengers would want him as a study mate and Marinette guessed that Kim would likely ignore sleep to cram while Alix would try to study and skate at the same time. Bustier called for the class to be quiet plastering on a cheery smile as she reminded everyone that it was almost time for lunch and that they could all talk then. Marinette fidgeted in her seat eager to bolt out of class and join up with Kagami for lunch at the bakery.

The two girls had grown close ever since Lila had ‘took over’ as the supposed class queen  though it was more like everyone humored her In truth the girls threat had never actually come true. Marinette enjoyed a healthy relationship with all her classmates Alya and her were still friends and if anything Marinette felt she should thank Lila for helping her learn her own value. In the short while where Lila had been queen Alya and the others drew away not intentionally or maliciously they were just so busy listening to such grand tales they sorta forgot about Marinette. And in that time Marinette had bonded closely with Kagami the fencer giving her the push she needed to be more assertive and confident in herself! And when she was she noticed that suddenly Adrien wasn’t so amazing. He was a good friend but she didn't need the crush anymore she didn't need the validation she was happy and confident as she was. 

And not long after that Lila’s new-ness wore off and everyone caught on to the fact that Lila could sometimes stretch the truth or be a bit over sensitive. In the end, Marinette still sat at the back and she still had to deal with Lila on the daily but she still had her friends and if things kept going as they were with Kagami well… Hopefully she’d have more than just a friend soon! The only real problem lately had come from the most unlikely source. Mme Bustier. Marinette wasn’t sure if the teacher had just fallen for Lila’s lies hook line and sinker or if maybe just maybe she’d ALWAYS been like this? It was a thought Marinette didnt like to entertain but it was hard to ignore the permanent fake smiles that never quite reached the eyes or how ever since Marinette became more assertive and confident how the teachers once compliments became criticism.

The sound of the bell caught Marinette by surprise and she moved to gather her things. Kim and Alix raced out of class first trying to beat each other. Adrien dodged Lila’s clutches sticking close to Nino, Alya looked back to Marinette giving her a thumbs up and a ‘go get her!’ Before chasing after Nino. Soon the class was empty save for Marinette and Mme Bustier. Hauling her backpack over her shoulders Marinette headed to the door only giving a curt nod and smile to her teacher on the way out trying not to notice the ever present fake smile and the cold look in her eyes that just didn't match, right as Marinette reached the door however-

“Marinette? Could you stay here please? And close the door would you, we need to talk.” Bustier’s voice as usual held a cheery tone but Marinette could easily hear the underlay of aggression. 

Closing the door Marinette moved back to her teachers desk hoping that this wouldn't take too long. For Mme Bustier’s part she looked to be in no rush carefully taking her time to sort papers humming slightly her ever present smile plastered on as if desperately trying to look the part of the friendly teacher, instead of actually being it. Shuffling from foot to foot Marinette resisted the urge to tell Bustier they could talk another time after all Kagami was waiting for her! Surely Mme Bustier would understand? Finally Bustier slid a packet of papers in her desk drawer before she turned in her chair to address Marinette her smile growing wider more forced crinkling the side of her face before she spoke.

“So Marinette… I was thinking that you should spend your lunch in here!” She blinked once, then twice. But Bustier just kept smiling no hint of joking on her features.

“E-Excuse me?? But why?” The words were careful but Marinette could not stop the very clear confusion and annoyance from slipping into her voice.

“Mmm~” Bustier hummed pleasantly. “Well you see Marinette, I was not a fan of your attitude today in class.” It was stated as if it were gospel, a fact easy to understand. But Marinette understood little.

“I'm Sorry?!” The words came out quiet but strained shock, annoyance but mostly confusion evident. To her credit Mme Bustier didn't even blink.

“Your a good student Marinette, but your attitude is a problem. How can you expect to lead your classmates if you keep up this behaviour? So you will be staying here at lunch.” It was said so sweetly so kindly with such gentle tone yet still Marinette felt like she'd been slapped.

Had she done something? That was Marinette’s first thought. Doubt and panic creeping into her body twisting her stomach making her feel sick and sweaty. But she could think of nothing. All class she’d sat quietly taking notes when they were needed doodling if they werent. Answering questions when called. She’d been a model student! Even when the rest of the class became disruptive she’d sat quietly waiting for Mme Bustier to do her job- Unless. Was that it? Did Bustier expect, no demand that Marinette take responsibility for her classmates? Was this her teachers sick version of forcing Marinette to be an example of a perfect student a base for which others were expected to follow!? A cold feeling washed down Marinette’s back and her eyes hardened at the teacher still sitting still smiling. Did Bustier expect her to smile and apologize and sit quietly going hungry? Because if so she had another thing coming. Tightening her grip on the strap of her bag Marinette marched passed Bustier’s desk toward the door. In shock Bustier stood her voice raising.

“Marinette! Where do you think your going!” Even in her panicked state shocked by Marinette’s defiance she tried to force her voice to be calm and gentle she tried to smile but her widened eyes betrayed panic.

“I'm going to lunch.” Marinette spoke flatly not betraying the cold icy rage in her heart.

“Now Marinette. Your just proving my point. You clearly have an attitude problem. Stay here for lunch and let's talk about it.” Bustier was trying to regain control. Trying to keep her voice even and calm. Trying to make her command seem friendly.

“No. I don’t think I will.” She took another step, Bustier moved quickly taking a step from behind her desk now. Still smiling that horrible fake smile still trying to be friendly.

“Marinette. If you keep up this attitude I’ll have no choice but to take you to the Principle and call your parents! You WILL stay here for lunch.” The smile was so forced so ugly her little cold eyes piercing into Marinette.

But all Marinette wanted to do was laugh. Bustier was so sure of herself so sure of her power and position so sure that she was the most beloved and friendly teacher that all her students would accept even the most unfair punishment because if Mme Bustier said it then clearly it was true! And maybe… Just maybe. If Marinette lacked the confidence she now had, if she was still the Marinette from before Kagami, the Marinette who craved validation from a crush who genuinely believed LILA could take away her friends. Maybe if she was that Marinette things would have gone the way Bustier wanted. But for Marinette’s part. All she did was laugh, a cold dark laugh a laugh that still didn't break the fake smile on Bustier’s face but the shock was clear in her eyes. When Marinette was done laughing she took a breath before speaking her voice coming out cold.

“Fine. Take me to the principal's office. Phone my parents. I'd be delighted to hear what you’d tell them when they ask why you were trying to force their daughter to go without food.” Bustier’s eyes widened considerably her smile twitched but didn't drop.

“This attitude of yours is getting out of control Mari-“

“What attitude?! Mme Bustier? The one where I sat quietly in class taking notes? Or the one where I calmly answered questions when asked? Or maybe the one where when the class got disruptive I didn't do your job for you?” Anger filled Bustier’s eyes and her smile twisted into an ugly look.

“Don’t you think your going a bit far. Marinette.” Bustier’s voice was sickly sweet barely hiding the venom behind it.

“No. I don’t think I am. In fact id go so far as to say that the only one here with an attitude problem is you. Mme Bustier.”

“How Dare You!-“

“No! Mme Bustier! How dareYOU! I am not your perfect shining example, or your substitute teacher! I am a student! And the only thing wrong ive done today is let you waste my lunch!”

Bustier’s smile was gone replaced with an open mouthed look of surprise before being twisted into a sneer. She could not believe this! Her model student was daring to talk back to her? To make a scene? This was not what she was supposed to be this way! She was supposed to set the example to stop her classmates when they got out of hand! To acknowledge Bustier as a caring teacher who only had the best in mind but here she was fighting her!? Would she truly need to drag her to office? No that couldn't be this was just a mistake! Marinette was just acting out a little then she'd settle down and spend the rest of the lunch sitting quietly reflecting on how she could have done better how this attitude of hers was ruining everything! But then why was she trying to leave again?!

“W-Where do you think your going?! Get back here! This attitude of yours has gone far enough Marinette you are spending your lunch here!” The pretense was gone the sweetness lacking shock evident the desperation seeping in.

“No… I’m not. But you know what. If you really think I’m acting out. That I have an attitude problem? Then do it. Take me to the principal call my parents I’ll love watching you bury yourself.”

Cold fear washed over Caline, this was not her Marinette! Her Marinette had been quiet and resourceful she never made a fuss or upset anyone! Why was she suddenly acting out? She wasn’t being treated unfairly! She was being treated with extra responsibilities like all mature children should! Yet Marinette was acting like she was the victim and it was ridiculous if only the old Marinette would come back! Then everything would be easy like it use to be! Finally finding words she moved to speak she just needed Marinette to realize that all this tantrum would do is lead to an Akuma! Maybe, just maybe someone was being a bad influence on her star pupil! It could be that Kagami girl always so aggressive! That was it! She just needed Marinette to stop hanging around such… Unreasonable people. Surely the moment she would she’d go back to how she was and make peace with her role as the model student and Lila. Sure it was stressful to be an example but it was also an honor!

Meanwhile Marinette was having very different thoughts. As she eyed up Mme.Bustier she could see the teacher she once respected thinking her way through Marinette’s words. And if Marinette could guess her teacher was most likely trying to ignore the fact that Marinette had threatened her. But that WAS just like her, to avoid the real issues, the real problems, and instead soften everything until you let it go feeling ridiculous and guilty for something that wasn’t your fault. That’s what she’d done to Marinette during the Chloe and Lila incidents. And Kwami be damned if Marinette let her do it again! Kagami cared for her, stood up for her, was always there for her! And Marinette could hear her now in the back of her head urging her forward demanding she defend herself that she lay the line in the sand. Mme.Bustier would never stop not unless Marinette was firm. So when the redheaded teacher finally gathered her wits and opened her mouth to poor out yet more sewage about her responsibility to her class Marinette was going to remind her of HER responsibility!

“Don’t.” It was a sharp command. “Don’t you dare tell me who I am, or what I must do.” Marinette had no idea how much pent up anger she had at her once favorite teacher until that moment. 

She needed to remain cool so she took a deep breath and centered herself thinking of how Kagami’s armd felt the last time she’d picked her up twirled her and called her ‘her dazzling sun’. She could do this.

“If you were to take me to Mr.Damocles about my attitude problem. What do you think I would tell him.” Bustier looked confused and angry and flustered.

“I would hope you would apologize!” Oh Kwami was she serious?

“I would tell him to review the footage of today's class. And do you know what he’d see?” Bustier paled somewhat trying to stammer out a response.

“He would see Alya at the start of class. Arguing with Chloe and you doing nothing to stop it but look over at me waiting for ME to play peacekeeper.”

“W-well it comes better from a fellow student and shining example then it does-“ Marinette wasn’t even listening.

“By the time you do stop them 10 minutes of class have been wasted. And me? Well I was reviewing notes waiting like a good student for my TEACHER to do her job.”

“Well I-“

“Later, Mr.Damocles would see you letting Lila interrupt class repeatedly to lie-“

“Now we don't know that-“ Marinette grit her teeth but proceeded.

“To LIE, about something relevant to what your teaching. And you let her, she gets zero discipline for repeatedly disturbing the lesson or making up lies. And where am I in all this? Reading ahead. Waiting for my teacher to do her job.”

Caline looked rightly embarrassed her face going from red to purple to white. Marinette didn’t care she wasn’t yet done.

“And then finally he would see Kim and Alix fight. Shoving each other, yelling, and what do YOU the teacher do? Again you look to me.” Marinette sighed.

“Face it, you expect me to do your job FOR you! But I am a student and like every other student here I deserve to go to school and be taught by a teacher who does her job! Instead of putting her responsibilities on a student while also expecting that student to neglect her own feelings so that bullies and liars get an easy pass.”

“That is enough! Marinette this attitude problem is worse than I feared! You will apologize!” Marinette sighed heavily.

“No.” Caline looked slapped. “Because I haven’t done anything wrong. The only thing this conversation has made clear to me is that if anyone has an attitude problem. Its you.”

Before Bustier could think of a response. Marinette was gone. Her confident strides taking her out of the classroom with no room to protest. Finally Caline took a breath it was shaky like her legs. She stumbled back slightly and sank into her chair, the normal happy smile she plastered on her face to show her students that positivity meant everything even when your upset was noticeably missing. Marinette harsh words kept replaying in her head. She couldn't be at fault… Could she? She didn’t have an attitude problem, no Marinette did she had to! Why else would she talk back?! Yet the words kept haunting her and a smile even her perfectly practiced ones seemed impossible to muster. And things remained that way even when lunch ended and her students returned all accept for Marinette who unknown to Caline Bustier was at home wrapped in the supportive embrace of Kagami as she finally told her parents everything that had been going on at school. As it turns out Marinette’s parents also thought Bustier was the one with the ‘attitude problem’.

[ There ya go! Hope ya’ll liked it! Thank you everyone who has followed and sent nice asks or left comments you have no idea how happy it makes me!!! ]

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[vikingpoteto]

middle children must unionize

read on ao3 ______________________

my contributior for @batfam-big-bang

Summary: Jason realizes no one is taking care of Tim - not even Tim himself. He decides to do something about it.

Notes: I can't stress enough how grateful I am for joining this event. First of all, stan the mods. Stan my beta reader team, @timmydrakewings, @stormleviosa and @sun-lit-roses. Stan my artist team @houser-of-stories, @reese-haleth and @anicomicqueen To all of these amazing talented people that, for whatever reason chose to help me with this story, I can't stress enough how grateful I am. ________________________

Jason doesn’t keep in touch with the Bats after Bruce’s gone.

Batwoman only trusts him as far as she can throw him. Dick is not easy to avoid, but Jason keeps their contact to a minimum nonetheless. Ninja girl doesn’t speak with him. Replacement… Well. Jason does have a weird professional relationship with the kid. As professional as you can get with someone you tried to kill. Barbara will probably never forgive him for making Dick cry so many times. Brat girl will probably never forgive him for trying to kill Replacement. The other one, whatever his name is, is low-key/high-key terrified of Jason. As for the gremlin... Well, he’s like 10? 11? Jason doesn’t hang out with children, not even assassin ones.

So yeah. Not on friendly terms with anyone in the Wayne family.

However he is an instigator at heart and, while whatever they’re doing in the Batcave is none of his business, he’ll be damned if he doesn’t finish one of his rare visits by stirring things up a bit.

Dick usually makes sure he doesn’t do anything too outrageous, but a distraction comes in the form of Gremlin, who shows up demanding to know why Dick is late for their training session or whatever. The brat sends Jason a scathing look but otherwise doesn’t acknowledge him. Dick only smiles patiently and waves Jason goodbye, leaving Replacement unsupervised. Before heading out, Jason approaches Replacement, who’s sitting by the batcomputer.

“So,” he starts. Jason notices when the kid flinches a little. Your regular guy wouldn’t, but Jason was once a bat too. “How does it feel to be replaced, Replacement?”

Replacement’s shoulders go stiff for half a second.

When he turns to face Jason, however, his expression is empty.

“Predictable,” he says.

Jason quirks an eyebrow up. “Meaning?”

“I was only a Robin because I was, how can I put this, a coworker?” Replacement turns his eyes back to the computer and starts typing. “It was a no-strings-attached sort of deal. Bound to end at some point.”

That’s… new.

“You’re legally adopted into the Wayne family,” Jason hears himself reminding him.

“Yeah, ain’t that a pickle,” Replacement laughs. “Can you guess who forced Bruce to do that? My money was on Dick, but now I think it was probably Babs or Alfred.”

Jason stares, unsure what to make of that. Before he decides, the kid stands up.

"I have always been a patch job, so being dismissed is to be expected. I'm just overstaying my welcome at this point."

“You can get dismissed? I thought this was an until-your-untimely-death sort of gig.”

That was not how Jason expected this conversation to go, like, at all. He had never seen Replacement looking so… worn out? Lifeless?

“I don’t know, man,” Tim frowns as though he made himself confused. “God, I’m sleepy. See you around, I guess.”

And Jason watches him leave the cave with his shoulders hunched and an empty stare. Dick and Gremlin are so preoccupied with their sparring session that they don’t seem to notice. Jason sticks around for a few more seconds, stunned, before he realizes what he’s doing. He goes home.

Jason can’t stop thinking about what the kid said.

It’s not that he didn’t think something of the sorts, especially when he was angriest at Bruce. He had thought about how Batman trained his children to be soldiers and, like soldiers, they could be easily replaced. After all, what was one more problem child joining their broken family? What’s another deadly brat being thrown at some creeps wearing literal clown costumes?

He did think of them as Bruce’s kids though.

Not that Batman had any expertise in healthy parenting techniques, but Jason didn’t have any healthy son experiences to compare so it didn’t matter much. They were Batkids for the better and mostly for the worse, and if something happened to them, well, the crusade must go on.

He never thought of Robin as someone that could be sent home out of the blue, like your average GC Pig. A disgrace to the family? Sure. See, kids, we don’t talk about cousin Jason. He got himself killed and came back all crooked. That’s what happens if you kill murderers or forget to brush your teeth. Still, the idea of being dismissed for no reason never occurred to Jason. It was absurd, because, as far as Jason knew, his replacement was the perfect little soldier. Why would he walk away?

Dick fought with Bruce. Jason… well. You know. Brat girl had to move cities or whatever? Or she died, but got better? Jason doesn’t really know anything about the chick. Either way, he knows she became Batgirl soon after. Tim, however, had nothing stopping him from staying masked. Why would Replacement talk about being Robin as if it was a summer job?

Does that mean that the wimpy kid Jason has been bullying was really that cold and detached?

He thinks about it until his head hurts and he starts remembering times with Bruce and Dick and Alfred and suddenly he doesn’t want to think about it anymore.

It’s a good thing Jason is good at compartmentalizing, because that’s what he does. He pushes thoughts of Batman and Robin to the depths of his mind and forgets about it.

He doesn’t find out until weeks later.

He’s not visiting the manor because he wants to. It’s just that there is this stupid encrypted information he needs for a case and he isn’t exactly tech savvy. He doesn’t think Barbara would do him a solid - she’s still ignoring him for… whatever. He doesn’t even know. Probably something about hurting Dick’s pwecious feewings or eating the last cookie Alfred made. Either way, Jason first tries contacting Replacement directly. Only when the kid doesn’t pick up he forces himself to go to the cult headquarters.

He needs that data, dammit, and whoever called programming logic, was out of their damn mind. If true, execute commands 1, 2 and IV, it said. If what was true? Jason read and read and still didn’t get what it was referring to. And why would someone name the commands regular numbers then just… throw a fucking roman number? Just to spice things up? Whoever wrote that damn code should get a bullet in the foot.

“Jay!” Dick grins at him, although he looks unamused by the fact that Jason is coming in through a window on the second floor. “You do remember that we have a door, don’t you?”

“I like to keep ‘em guessing,” Jason says. “Which room is the kid’s? I have a job for him.”

Dick tilts his head to the side, confused. “Damian is at school?”

And then there’s that. A lot to unpack. First, Jason is deeply offended that Dick thinks he would ever go there after Gremlin, the child that likes to criticize Jason's  skills despite the fact that a) Jason was trained by Damian's father and then b)Jason was trained by Damian's mother. Second, Damian Wayne. Going to Gotham Academy. Does he wear the uniform? Does he have homework or does he threaten the teachers with a sword until they quit? Did anyone explain to him the concept of playing tag before he murders a bunch of 9 year olds? Jason has so many questions. If only he had time.

“I said the kid . The human one, not the imp.”

“Oh.” Dick seems taken aback. “Oh, he... Jason, Tim isn’t in Gotham. You didn’t know?”

Jason groans. “Are you kidding me? You annoyed him into leaving the planet with his alien friends again, didn’t you?”

“No, he… I actually don’t know where he is now.”

Jason blinks in surprise. So Dick didn’t pick Bruce’s habit of microchipping his kids?

“What do you mean you don’t know? How do you lose a whole Robin? The uniform is basically a traffic cone.”

Dick sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Jason had seen Bruce do just that so many times he forgets for a moment whatever stupid joke he was about to make. When did his older brother become the dad?

“He left a while ago. He barely spent any time here at the manor after I gave Robin to Damian, so…”

Jason freezes. After I gave Robin to Damian, he says. Being dismissed is to be expected, the kid said weeks ago.

“Dick. What the fuck did you do?”

Dick looks surprised at the raw anger in Jason’s voice, even though he shouldn’t fucking be. Jason remembers the distant voice on that day. He did think that was oddly cold for Replacement, even if he was a calculating nerd. Except that wasn’t him being cold. That was him lying to himself.

Jason would know. He spent most of his childhood telling himself he didn’t need a loving father. A good part of his teenage years telling everyone that would hear that he didn’t care at all that Bruce kept holding him to the standards of the perfect son that went away. It’s a lot easier to pretend you didn’t care because it makes it hurt less when things are taken away. Jason was a fucking pro at that technique, so much he wonders how the hell he didn’t notice earlier.

“I did what I had to do,” Dick says, defensively. The way he does when he’s second guessing himself, but still in denial about it. “Tim’s a hero of his own right and he’s capable enough that…”

“That you fucking fired him?” Jason barks.

“Damian needs Robin, Jason! He’s just so lost and being Robin gave him a sense of purpose, allowed him to actually be a child.”

“No shit Gremlin is a child! What about Replacement? He’s, what, 15?”

“He’s 17, how do you not know your own brother’s age?”

“Whatever! He’s just a teen and you basically just told him to fuck off.”

Dick sighs. “Look, I tried to help Tim. Tim’s friends tried to help Tim. But he’s a mature person and he wanted some time for himself.”

Ain’t that a familiar song. A good dose of leave me the fuck alone while still wearing a goddamn bat on his chest and making sure to make enough noise to draw attention. He doesn’t like how close it hits to home, how Dick, who’s supposed to be the best of them, ends up being just as shit as recognizing emotions as any other Bat. Jason laughs without any humor.

Incensed, Dick’s jaw sets in challenge as he adds: “I trust Tim and I respected his choice to leave on his own mission, because he knows what’s right for him.”

“Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night,” Jason says. “You’re right. Give the demon what he needs. Replacement is a grown ass adult because you respect him so much .”

“Jason, I didn’t say that…”

“He was never a kid here, Dick, even I know that. You all keep throwing shit at him, messes for him to fix ‘cause it’s fine, it’s little Timmy, he’s so fucking capable, he can take it. Have you ever considered that he was always an adult because you all are the fucking children?”

I have always been a patch job sounds awfully similar to I’m here because he got lonely after you left.

But apparently Dick is done exercising his brotherly patience and Jason hit a nerve.

“What do you know about him? You never bothered to talk to him, to spend time with him. You don’t know shit about Tim.”

Jason scoffs. Dick’s face grows unevenly red.

“You don’t, Jason! You were busy trying to kill him. Remember that bonding experience? Must have been fun for him. Having the hero he grew up admiring trying to murder him?”

Jason throws the first punch. Dick easily dodges, the motherfucker, the damn superior Robin.

Screw it, Jason thinks as they start yet another classic Robin Brawl that would only end when Ninja Girl mysteriously dropped from the ceiling and kicked both of their asses.

Jason doesn’t hear from the cave for a while. His phone gets a weird virus, so he guesses Oracle heard he pushed Dick down the stairs. He just tosses the whole thing away and decides that screw his stupid case with the weird code, screw detective work. The biggest detectives aren’t around anymore. He'll just call Kory and convince her to help torch the place up and hopefully the new Batman and Robin will have to deal with the aftermath.

The next time Jason hears from his brothers, it’s a frantic call from Dick that makes Jason’s blood turn into ice: freaking Ra’s Al Ghul is in Gotham doing his whole Head of the Demon thing. He grabs his bike and he’s still on the comms with Dick as he heads to the manor because Alfred is in there.

“What did Gremlin do?” he asks.

“Nothing,” Dick answers and Jason can barely hear him over the wind. He’s probably swinging around Gotham as he speaks. “It was Tim. Tim’s back and Ra’s is after him and everyone he cares about.”

Fuck. This is the kid Dick trusted to go out alone on a self-discovery journey or whatever. Jason wonders what the hell he had been up to get that much unwanted attention.

In the end, everything works out, kind of. No one on their side dies, but Tim does get thrown out of a window. Of a very, very, veeery tall building. Jason still thinks he got off too easy. As smart as he is, Tim shouldn’t have survived a run in with Ra’s.

Jason is curious enough about it to stay in the cave after the fact. He and Dick sit near Tim’s bed while Leslie works her magic. Dick doesn’t take his eyes from his little brother’s pale face for even a second.

“We almost lost him,” he whispers at some point. “Again, we… I almost lost him.”

“But you didn’t,” Jason says, voice flat. “You saved him.”

Dick bites his lower lip hard enough to break the skin. Jason punches his shoulder to snap him out of it.

“Jay, about last time…”

“Ugh, don’t apologize, you freak. Why can’t you just bottle up your emotions and pretend nothing happened like the rest of this stupid family?”

That makes Dick give him a weak smile. If not for the bottling up part, for the part in which Jason admits they’re a family.

“You were… well, not right. I still think Tim shouldn’t be treated like a sidekick anymore,” Dick continues, despite Jason’s disgusted noises. “But he shouldn’t be left alone either. No one in this family should.”

Jason pretends to be gagging long enough that Dick gives up on trying to be a sensible adult and returns to silently watching over his brother.

After that, it’s a matter of stalling and by stalling he ends up watching the other Bats. He finds from Alfred that Ninja Girl isn’t looming over Tim’s bed because she’s in Hong Kong. Brat girl comes and goes the whole night and Jason doesn’t understand why she can’t simply sit down and wait as a pile of nerves like Dick is doing. At some point, she reads the morning newspaper and starts making so much fuss the one Jason doesn’t know the name - Dave? Dylan? - takes her upstairs to calm her down. Damian is nowhere to be found

In the end, Jason manages to be there when Replacement wakes up. Everyone is busy celebrating, too elated that Replacement is fine, so much they forget Jason is still lurking around. No one sees when his face goes pale and he feels like he’s going to puke.

“How did you know I was going to catch you?” Dick asks.

Tim gives him a tired smile. “You’re my brother, Dick. I knew you’d save me.”

Fuck.

Fuck. It’s like looking into a goddamn mirror, except Tim is so much better at this than Jason ever was. So much that he might even be fooling himself.

But he can’t fool Jason. Dick wants to believe in the best of them, he wants them all to be sane and safe and happy - as much as a Bat can be, at least - but Jason is more of a realist. He knows no one can plan that far ahead. He knows Tim went to a meeting with the Head of the Demon fully aware that he would most likely be carried out in a coffin. Considering Dick’s misstep from a couple months earlier and the fact that Tim had already assigned him and Damian a task, Batman was the last person Tim was expecting to show up.

Of course Dick would save him, any of them. Despite his issues with Bruce, Jason had his hero worship towards his brother restored pretty fast. Dick, the golden boy, the perfect son, loved him no matter what and Jason loved him back. Knew now that Dick had love enough to go around for all of them - all of them. But did Tim know that?

Tim finished his little mission, wrapped it all pretty with a bow, making sure no one kicked the bucket. Except for himself. Timothy Drake-Wayne was the contingency plan for Batman’s contingency plan, but he didn’t care enough to make a plan for himself.  

Bruce is gone. Dick is painfully blind. The Drakes are dead. Alfred has his hands full. The Behemoths or the Little League, or whatever the hell the super kids call themselves now, were just that. Kids. Jason curses to himself, because, if no one else will watch out for Replacement, it’s none of his fucking business.

It’s not.

However…

Jason doesn’t know how to put his not-plan in action. He can’t exactly walk up to Tim and say hey, I think we’re not so different, you and I, so I’m worried for your safety. I know I tried to kill you, but that like... two years ago, get over it. Let’s be friends.

Before he figures it out, he hears that Bruce is back. The real Bruce.

He doesn’t know how to feel about it, so he decides to put some distance between him and the family one more time as he takes some weeks to process. He goes out of town to hang out with his friends. He is done with Gotham bullshit for a while.

Unfortunately, Jason finds himself facing his worst enemy: the damn encrypted data.

He hates that dealers now do their thing through the internet. Who the fuck buys marijuana online? Where is the poetry in that? The class of being friends with the sketchy guy that lives around the corner and hangs out with you while you smoke? If they’re gonna sell oregano online to rich white kids, fine, but they’re selling heavy stuff to people that live in his territory and there is a thing bigger than just drugs, if Jason’s hunch is right. He could confirm it by cracking the numbers he stole from their stupidly unguarded computers.

Except the encryption is too complicated for him to access the files.

Well, isn’t that the perfect excuse to take a visit to the kid’s apartment.

Because that is the situation right now. The kid is emancipated, controlling Wayne Enterprises and living by his damn self. There is so much to unpack that Jason wants to throw away the whole suitcase.

He should probably do just that, or at least that’s what he thinks when he climbs to Tim’s balcony (in his head, he hears Dick’s voice going what do you hate about front doors, man?) and he is immediately pushed to the ground.

He is wearing his helmet, sure, but it doesn’t make it less painful when someone fucking stomps on his head, forcing his face against the floor.

“Fuck,” is all Jason thinks of saying.

He then kicks his assailant in the shin and is satisfied when they tumble backwards. Unfortunately for him, they - she - doesn’t fall over the railing, she just stays away long enough to give him time to stand.

A bald girl wearing a distasteful crop top glares daggers at him. She is already back on her fighting stance - one that looks way too familiar for Jason’s taste - ready to strike. And strike she does.

Her movements are similar to Jason’s - fast, strong, unpredictable, unfair - but she has the advantage of being more slender and having more freedom of movement in the small space. All Jason can do is defend himself and not get tossed over the edge. Who the fuck is this girl? Why is she attacking him? Doesn’t she know he is the freaking Red Hood? He just wanted the damn-

“What on Earth are you guys doing on my balcony?”

The girl freezes. Jason does not. He lands a punch straight on her nose and she falls backwards, her mouth opening in pain even if no sound comes out.

“What the hell, Hood!”

Tim rushes to the girl’s side.

“What the hell Hood?” Jason parrots, indignant. “I just got here and she attacked me!”

Tim frowns and turns to the girl. “Is that true?”

Instead of answering, the girl holds her bloody nose and glares at him. She uses her free hand to show Tim four fingers. Tim sighs.

“I know it’s the fourth time you’ve had your nose broken,” Tim gives her a wry smile. “But the three other times you had it coming. And maybe even this time. Why did you attack Red Hood?”

She makes the gesture of someone walking with two fingers then points at Tim’s balcony door. Jason doesn’t know a lot of ASL, but those don’t seem to be the same signs Cassandra uses.

“She attacked me because she thought I was trying to break in?” He asks. “You have a bodyguard now?”

Tim stands and holds out his hand to the girl. She begrudgingly takes it and lets him pull her to her feet. “Why don’t we all go inside before someone notices the Red Hood on my balcony?”

Jason grumbles in annoyance but does make his way in. Tim is right behind him and Jason can’t help but think he’s acting as a shield in case the girl wants revenge for her nose.

“Come here, Pru, I’ll get something cold for your nose.”

Jason takes a look around. As they cross the living room, he notices it looks like a shiny rich person apartment you’d see in a magazine. Jason wasn’t sure what he expected of Tim’s new crib, and he knows the kid just moved in, but the fact that the place looks like a hospital’s reception makes him feel some sort of way.

Fortunately, the kitchen is a bit better. Not much, but it’s something. There are papers spread across the table, dirty glasses in the sink, a mug full of black steaming tea, Tim’s laptop open on top of a pile of books, and there are pictures on the fridge. Jason remembers vaguely Dick mentioning that one of the kids had a thing for photography and another liked drawing. He has to assume Tim is the photographer as he takes a good look at them: one of Brat girl’s grinning face with a big heart magnet, one of Tim and Cassandra sharing the same reading chair, one of Bruce in one of those fancy sweaters he used to wear at home, one of Dick and Cassandra doing handstands, one of a red head kid, behind him Tim, a muscular girl and an even more muscular guy. Jason doesn’t need to be a detective to figure those, even without the uniforms, are Impulse, Wonder Girl and Superboy.

“So,” Tim starts. He hands the girl a pack of frozen peas and shrugs at her dirty look. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Without ceremony, the girl takes a seat by the table and tries to steal a glance at Tim’s laptop. He casually closes it and smiles at her. She scoffs.

“First, you explain the bodyguard,” Jason says, gesturing to the girl.

“Right. Where are my manners? Pru, this is Red Hood. Hood, this is Prudence.”

He doesn’t turn to her so she can read his lips or use gestures to speak, so Jason figures she isn’t deaf, only mute. Maybe it’s something like Cassandra?

“Really? Prudence? That’s ironic. ”

She shows Jason her middle finger. Definitely not deaf then.

Unlike Prudence, Jason doesn’t make himself at home. When he crosses his arms and doesn’t say anything for a minute more, Tim reads his silence correctly and adds, “We’re working together for a while and there are a lot of people that want us dead, so you’ll have to forgive her. She saw a suspicious guy trying to get into my place and she assumed the worst.”

Jason quirks an eyebrow. Tim can’t see his expression behind the helmet, but he sighs nonetheless.

“Come on. She couldn’t know I sometimes work with the Red Hood too.”

I sometimes work with. Ouch. Jason supposes that’s fair, though. Tim hasn’t exactly been informed of Jason’s newfound empathy or his protective streak.

“How did you know where I live, by the way?” Tim asks.

“Alfred told me you moved,” Jason says. “I got your address from Cassandra.”

Tim’s brows disappear under his messy fringe. “Really?”

Jason nods. “Took a lot of convincing before she believed I didn’t want to kill you in your sleep.”

At that, Tim snorts. He’s still grinning when he asks, “What did you want it for then?”

“Tech support,” he says as he fishes a small flash drive from his pocket. “I was hoping you could crack some files for me.”

Tim takes it and nods. “I’ll check it out. I’ll send the results to you as soon as I have them. Anything else?”

Again… ouch. Apparently imprudent girl is welcome to kick back and hang out, but Jason is just a fellow associate that came to hand in an assignment and promptly piss off.

Then Jason realizes that that was exactly what their relationship was like before Tim went around the world to fight Ra’s al Ghul. Damn.

Well. It’s not like he can take off his helmet and stick around when there is a stranger in there, especially when Tim carefully introduced him as the Red Hood instead of good ol’ Jason Todd. He just wanted to check on the kid and he did. No need to get all clingy. That’s Dick’s thing, not his.

It isn’t until much later that Jason realizes how pointless the visit was. He wanted to see if the kid was okay. He suspected he wasn’t, but it wasn’t like he had any idea of what to do about it.

Lucky for him, Tim looked a lot better than last time. Less dead eyed, more like he has some sort of purpose. The fact that Dick is included in his little photo collection must mean they made amends. Whether it was because Jason’s whooping Dick’s ass or in spite of it he’ll never know. Based on what he knows about Tim, the kid might have just worked everything out by himself and forgiven Dick on his own terms.

Despite his decision to take care of Tim from then on, Jason is definitely not great at it. He doesn't think he lost the rights to admonish Dick for not talking to his brother. The fact is Jason isn't great with words. He wants to help Tim through actions.

Still the question remains: how?

(And Tim emails him the files he needed 8 hours later and Jason worries that the kid didn’t sleep, which… great. This is just great.)

Less than two nights later, someone gets into Jason's frequency. He's about to head out for patrol when a creaking sound inside his helmet precedes a familiar voice slightly twisted by static.

"Red Hood, this is Red Robin. Do you copy?"

Right. He goes by Red Robin now.

"What you want, rep… kid?" Jason inwardly winces at his misstep.

There is a moment of confused silence before Tim mercifully decides not to ask what that was. "I'm pursuing a lead in your territory."

Jason hums. "What's it? I'll handle it."

"No!" Tim says too fast. "I mean… it's my case. I just thought you could take the night off? Please?"

This is supposed to be the smart Robin, right? He does know that Jason isn’t a complete moron, right?

“What’s in it for me?” Jason asks.

If this was Damian, he’d get a colorful death threat. If this was Dick, a winded speech on how brothers are supposed to have each other’s backs and he's just asking for a tiny favor, Jason, don’t make me make my ex-girlfriend hack into your phone and block Netflix again. Tim, however, knows that everything has a price and has an answer ready.

“You owe me for those files I decoded for you.”

Straight to the point. No bullshit. Jason is starting to really like this kid.

“Fair enough. You go follow your lead and I won’t murder you for being in my territory.”

“Always a pleasure doing business with you, Hood.”

Jason didn’t say anything about taking the night off, though.

Jason knows that, if he was working alone, Tim wouldn’t ask for permission. He would let himself in and out of Jason's territory assuming Jason wouldn’t even notice - he’d done it before as Robin, and Jason did notice but pretended not to. He can’t track Red Robin as easily, but the fact that he doesn’t want Red Hood around means there is something or someone he can’t control tagging along… and who’s the one person even Tim Drake can never control?

“Brat girl,” Jason mutters to himself, a cocky grin spreading on his face. One of his informants just confirmed he saw Batgirl driving whatever the fuck that is that capsule vehicle into an empty building just south of Jason’s place.

Oracle is probably out of town again, otherwise she wouldn’t allow her precious not-daughter to be messing around with Tim in Jason’s territory. But then, if most of the rumors are correct, even Barbara can’t quite control the new Batgirl.

He wonders what the duo are up to as he lets himself into the abandoned place through a hole in the ceiling. Red Hood walks on the rafters in the dark until he can hear familiar voices. He stops on his tracks when he notices that Red Robin and Batgirl aren’t alone. Wonder Girl and Impulse stick out like bright red sore thumbs against Gotham’s darkness.

Red Hood hears enough to know they’re planning on saving someone - one of Impulse’s friends? - from a local group connected to Black Mask. Their plan is solid, but it’s hardly a task herculean enough to warrant the presence of a speedster and an amazon. Red Robin makes it sound like it’s absolutely necessary nonetheless, assigning each of them a role that fits their powers and going over every little detail. It’s the first time Hood sees the kid in a position of leadership and he thinks it suits him. He seems extremely at ease.

Actually… that’s not quite it. He’s not as wary of the world as he is when he’s with the Batfamily. Not Batman’s perfect mini-detective, not Nightwing’s model little brother, not WE CEO. He’s still very much a hero, a Robin, but it’s possible to see he’s seventeen under the cowl. Even his posture changes, his shoulders relax and he allows himself to be… God, himself. That must be the first time Jason sees Tim completely in his element, no tension, no (metaphorical) masks.

Real Red Robin stays close to his friends. Very close. Hell, Impulse is almost sitting on his lap, his arm firmly wrapped around Red Robin’s waist as he points at some sort of map his wrist pad is showing. Batgirl is clinging to his other side, her chin resting on his shoulder using the excuse to see better what he’s showing. Hadn’t those two broken up?

Then Red Robin says something so softly not even Hood picks up. The other three teens get tense. Impulse nods and disappears in a gust of wind as his friends wait in silence.

Half a second later, something hits Hood’s back at a very alarming speed because of course Red Robin noticed someone listening and sent his speedster friend to get him. He curses while he falls, barely managing to roll fast enough to avoid serious knee damage when he lands.

“Jason!” Red Robin whines not unlike an embarrassed child crying out mom, not in front of my friends!

“Maybe check who’s spying on you before sending a child bullet careening into their back, will ya?” Jason complains.

Wonder Girl frowns. “Is that…”

“The Red Hood,” Batgirl confirms in a flat voice. “Yup.”

“Isn’t he a criminal?” Impulse asks, genuine curiosity in his voice.

A facepalming Red Robin groans. “He doesn’t do crime anymore.” Under Batgirl’s skeptical glare, he corrects, “He doesn’t do bad crimes anymore. What are you doing here, Hood? You said you were taking the night off!”

“I said I wouldn’t shoot you for being in my territory,” Hood corrects. “But I didn’t say anything about your super friends, because I didn’t think you’d be breaking so many rules in so little time. Really? Bringing metas to Gotham?”

Red Robin simply shrugs. “What Batman can’t see doesn’t hurt him.”

Batgirl snickers and Hood grins a little under his helmet.

“Little Timmy,” he gasps, resting his hand on his chest in mock shock.

“Shut up, why are you here?”

“What, you can’t tell me there is a case and expect me not to follow up.”

The other three kids look from Red Hood to Red Robin. It’s obvious that whatever Tim’s verdict is, they’re going to accept it. Even Stephanie. And she knows Jason (sort of).

“Fine,” Red Robin groans. “But no shooting anyone.”

“No promises.”

Wonder Girl and Impulse are obviously wondering whether they’re joking or not. Knowing they’re completely serious, Batgirl makes a face and pokes Red Robin’s cheek. He frowns at her and the two of them seem to have a conversation consisting of weird mouths and head shakes for a moment. Jason would know. He and Dick used to do that all the time. Finally, whatever face Red Robin is making convinces her and she lets out a defeated sigh.

“Well then, ladies,” Batgirl deadpans, “let’s get this bread.”

Despite Dick’s best efforts, Jason never quite fit in with the Titans. With Tim and Stephanie, however, he can work.

Breaking into one of Black Mask’s hideouts is a piece of cake, if not outright fun. He has to hand it to Stephanie. She is not as cunning as Barbara or as deadly as Cassandra, but the girl can blow up a marijuana deposit like no one else.

Sure, the smoke makes them at least 30% high—all of them except Impulse, whose metabolism won’t let him get intoxicated, to which… Just R.I.P. you funky little man, Jason really feels for him.

Even with the little diversion, there were still plenty of crooks to fight. Wonder Girl takes care of most of them on her own— amazons, man —and soon enough Impulse comes running, carrying a dark-skinned boy wearing power-dampening cuffs who keeps yelling at them in Spanish. At that, Red Robin announces they’re retreating.

Tim looks a lot more comfortable with his peers than he is with the Bats. Part of Jason wonders if he could’ve been like that. If he would have ended up differently if he had actually stayed with the Titans and made friends like Tim had. He tells himself not to go down that path, because he is who he is, he certainly doesn’t make friends in that teen sitcom way and you can’t change the past.

He is genuinely glad that Tim has those friends, though. He’s glad that he can feel that way despite the hint of jealousy.

As they leave a ruined hideout behind, Wonder Girl and Impulse are drowning Red Robin in hugs and cheering so loud one would forget they’re still in Gotham. Their friend laughs with them even with the stress of being so rambunctiously rescued. Batgirl slaps her arm around Hood’s shoulder and admires the Titans being loud as if congratulating themselves on the job done.

If all of them— all of them—are still smiling themselves silly as they leave, it’s only 50% because of the marijuana.

Jason quickly learns that Tim doesn’t like owing people. When Jason asked Tim to crack some encrypted documents, he just needed the damn files. He didn’t expect the kid to show up to tear down the place when Jason decided he had enough reason to dismantle the operation.

“What, you can’t tell me there is a case and expect me not to follow up,” Red Robin quips as he nudges a goon with his foot. The man groans, but doesn’t get up. Seemingly satisfied, Red Robin crouches down and starts cuffing the man to another by his side.

“Remind me to never ask for your help again,” Red Hood says.

Red Robin glowers. “I saved your ass from getting stabbed about three times.”

“I shot the kneecaps of four guys trying to murder you, so don’t expect me to thank you.”

They hear sirens. Red Robin stands. “Well, guess our job here is done.”

Hood nods. It’s been a while since he fought side by side with a fellow Bat, just him and another Robin and... it was nice. Roy and Kori are great partners and all, but they don’t have the same training a Robin does. They don’t get the specific maneuvers and the subtle secret signs. The fact that it had been so fun fighting side by side with Red Robin makes Jason feel like his not-plan of taking care of the kid was finally going somewhere.

Then Red Robin stretches his arm to grapple his way out of there and gasps.

“Red?”

“Uh…” He is now pressing his hand to his side.

“Is… is that blood?”

“Uhhhh…”

“Did you get stabbed and didn’t notice, you freaking idiot?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he groans, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes over the cowl. “Why me?”

Red Hood sighs. “Relax, kid, it doesn’t look that deep.”

“I’m gonna have to call Batman,” Red Robin whines. “A’s gonna kill me.”

“Over a tiny stab wound? Don’t be a pussy, I’m sure you can stitch that yourself.”

“The stitches aren’t the problem, it’s just the medicine…” Red Robin says, making vague hand gestures. “I have no spleen.”

And then there’s that.

“I’m sorry. You what?”

Red Robin pulls a guilty face visible even under the cowl. Jason wouldn’t blame Alfred for killing him. He has no spleen and he just… decided it was a good idea to bring a staff to a gunfight at one of the grimiest places of Gotham.

Tim Drake-Wayne, everyone, smartest Robin to date.

Jason, however, decides not to kill Tim for his stupidity. He recognizes that particular frown. It’s the I-messed-up-and-I-don’t-want-dad-to-find-out face.

The GCPD sirens are getting closer.

“I’ve got a big collection of antibiotics back at one of my safehouses,” he mentions casually. “I could patch you up so A doesn’t have to.”

Tim’s wide eyes are evident. Jason wonders if this is him being able to read the kid too well or if Tim straight up sucks at hiding his emotions. It’s probably a bit of both.  

“You know. As thanks for helping me.”

“I thought you wouldn’t thank me.”

“Don’t push it, kid.”

By now, they can see the red and blue police lights.

“Lead the way.”

He rolls his eyes and drags the kid to his bike. He really hopes the pigs didn’t see them, because it’s bad enough that a hero showed up to Red Hood’s bust, he doesn’t need any cops thinking that he kidnapped Red Robin or any shit like that.

“Are we going to the one behind the new theater or the one around crime alley?” Tim casually asks.

Jason freezes halfway through mounting his bike. “How the fuck do you know about those?”

“I know the location of all of your safehouses,” Tim admits.

“Batman knows about my safehouses?”

Tim quirks an eyebrow. “Last time I checked, I’m not Batman.”

...oh.

That’s… nice. Kind of. A confirmation that he can trust the kid to have his back.

“Smug nerd,” Jason mumbles.

Tim only chuckles in response. They set off to Jason’s place.

The rest of the night is peaceful. At least for a Bat’s standards. Jason helps Tim disinfect his wound and stitch it closed while Tim raids Jason’s medicine stash until he finds the ones he needs. Jason promises to hook him up with his supplier so he doesn’t have to rely so much on the cave. By the time they’re done, Tim’s lips are permanently curled upwards.

When he starts shuffling awkwardly as if looking for a way to say goodbye, Jason nonchalantly announces where he can find clean towels and clothes, as if this is a thing they do everyday. Tim seems baffled, but thankfully he doesn’t call Jason’s bullshit and obediently heads to the bathroom. By the time he’s done, Jason is fixing a meal for the two of them and some stupid movie is on TV—never the news, god, Jason hates watching the news.

Like a skittish stray, Tim is unsure of what to do with himself at first, but he catches the cue fast enough. He sits on the couch all stiff and restless until something on the screen grabs his attention.

“You like Wendy the Werewolf Stalker?” Tim asks, eyes wide.

“Do I like fucking what?”

Jason just needed the background noise to avoid freaking out about  how weird he’s being right now. Apparently, that was the wrong answer. Tim launches a rant on how amazing Wendy is and half of it goes over Jason’s head. He just gets that apparently Tim and Superboy both have a crush on this werewolf hunting chick and they used to spend hours watching her instead of doing actual work at Titans Tower.

He also manages to actually eat the food Jason made, which is a win in Jason’s book.

It’s a nice night, overall.

It becomes, not a habit, but a thing. Tim sometimes shows up to one of Jason’s safehouses needing a stitch job or medicine. Jason doesn’t know how he nails which one Jason is at currently or if he just goes to every single one still bleeding until he finds Jason. Or even if he just lets himself in and takes care of his wounds without any help. If so, Jason wouldn’t blame him. He’d choose his crappy hideouts over Tim’s soulless apartment any day.

On the third time it happens, Tim isn’t hurt at all. He just wants to bitch about Vicki Vale stalking him and his supposed ex-fiancée that he's actually trying to date. Jason feeds him real food, as usual, and listens to what he has to say, as unusual. They end up on the couch watching A Nightmare on Elm Street, which, oddly enough, has Tim getting overly enthusiastic about going to bed because he’s curious about the magic behind Freddy Krueger. Jason tells him to let him know if any dream demons show up when he leaves Tim dozing off on the couch.

Tim starts texting Jason. At first, it’s all very professional. Messages like 1 of the stupid crooks in your territory almost killed robin yesterday do smth abt it followed by I don’t care that he’s a demon in a kevlar vest Hood you didn’t have to deal with nightwing crying afterwards!!! Then they slowly shift into something more casual on the lines of is dis u? An d attached a picture of Elizabeth Bennet wearing the red Power Ranger helmet which… What sort of context led to that meme being created?

Jason pretends not to care, but he preens with pride when Tim laughs at his dark jokes. Stupid gallows humor that would have made Bruce call an expensive therapist and Dick squirm in discomfort have the kid snorting coffee out of his nose.

It’s like they’re friends.

Part of him sometimes toys with the idea of them being normal kids —or as normal as you can be in Gotham—and he realizes that he would’ve made friends with Tim so fucking fast. Dick is the golden child and all of them would end up worshiping him and respecting him as their older brother, of course. Tim would be added to their family and Jason, not-murdered, regular problem-child Jason, would resist him at first, but he would soon see that he wasn't just an annoying nerd. He was a fun, annoying nerd. They would gang up on Dick, as younger brothers ought to do, and Jason would protect Tim from bullies and Tim would use his good son credit to get Jason out of trouble with Bruce.

This, however, may be as good as it gets for people with their fucked up upbringing. Jason already knew Tim wasn’t your regular spoiled rich boy and they bond over having shit childhoods even if they don’t talk about it.

All in all it feels nice to be looked up to. To have the kid come to him when he’s in trouble. To have someone looking at him with a shine in his eyes like the one Jason has when he looks at Dick. It makes Jason feel like he’s worth something. He sees Tim get comfortable with him after weeks of acting like a stray cat and he knows the kid feels the same. It’s a new feeling for both of them.

It’s like they’re really brothers.

Being part of the Red Robin fan club, Jason finds out, gives him good credit with the Bats.

Bruce and Dick are always going to be concerned about Jason’s slightly loose moral compass. Gremlin is always going to hate him because he’s a Gremlin. Barbara tolerates him at best.

Stephanie, however, shows up unannounced to one of Red Hood’s busts and laughs it off when he complains about Batgirl ruining his rep. She then invites Jason to watch a movie with her since they finished early. He thinks that’d be very weird, so he refuses. Unbothered, she says an airy “Maybe next time” before leaving.

He thinks a shadow once told him to come by the manor more often, almost giving him a heart attack. He thought Cassandra was in Hong Kong, for fuck’s sake; when did she come back?

One time he texts Tim for tech support and no one but the Signal shows up at Jason’s doorstep with a codebreaker and a list of instructions from Red Robin. Duke doesn’t look as wary of Jason as he once was and the two quickly fall into friendly banter, complaining about Tim’s nerdiness.

Jason knows if he asked Steph about it, he would never hear the end of it. Cass isn’t the easiest person to hold a conversation with. He guesses Duke is decent enough not to dwell on it, so he asks,

“Why are y’all suddenly okay with me?”

Duke quirks an eyebrow at him. Fortunately, he’s smart enough that Jason doesn’t need to explain further. “Tim trusts you,” he says simply. “Tim is the holder of the one brain cell of this family, so long we follow his cues, we’re golden.”

Jason doesn’t know what to say to that.

“Why, you don’t want us around?”

He mumbles something about it not being a big deal. Duke shrugs it off and changes the subject. Jason knows he’s doing it for his sake, because Duke might be the kindest person in their whole messed up family. Jason feels bad for refusing to learn his name for so long.

So it seems like two-thirds of the Batgirls and Signal were always less worried about Jason’s past than they were about his rivalry with Robin III.

And, fine, Jason does get a little jealous of that but he’s mature-ish enough to take what he can get. Plus Stephanie is funny as shit and it’s always fun to annoy Barbara by getting Batgirl involved in his fights, especially when Red Robin is around to back him up.

Everything is sort of nice now.

Sometimes, however, Jason wakes up in a cold sweat with the taste of copper in his mouth and a nightmare gunshot still ringing in his ears. He tried to kill Tim. He could’ve killed his little brother. He’s thankful for the times the nightmares come when Tim is sleeping over, because he can walk to the living room and check on the kid. Remind himself that Tim is alive and breathing under the old blankets and that he’s forgiven Jason. When he isn’t around, Jason is absolutely not above calling him in the middle of the night, making up a stupid case he needs Tim’s help with. For all his smarts, Tim never seems to realize Jason’s true motives.

Now that he thinks about it, he notices that Tim is on good terms with a lot of people that tried to kill him. Jason. Damian. That Prudence girl. He doesn’t find out the details, but he does hear something about Stephanie fucking him up and she’s now his best friend. Jason is more than a little concerned about that forgiving side of his.

Red Hood hates a lot of things. If he were to make a list, it’d take days to write it all down. He knows for sure that on the top of that list would be clowns. There is nothing he hates more than clowns.

Scarecrows are a close second, though.

Definitely close to a tie as he watches Red Robin stumble. “I think…” he mutters. “I think my rebreather is broken.”

“ Shit.”

Red Hood has to think fast. Fear gas is every-fucking-where and he lost sight of Scarecrow three canon-fodder crooks ago. He doesn’t have an extra rebreather, because he’s wearing his helmet and that does the job. He’s used to fighting alone. Not that having another rebreather would do them any good now that Red Robin has already breathed the nasty toxins.

In the end, Hood decides to take the defeat for what it is: a defeat. He throws a smoke bomb on the ground and grabs Red Robin by the waist, ignoring the startled squeak the boy lets out. They need to get out before Scarecrow’s goons realize what they’re doing.

“Stay with me,” Red Hood hisses. “Whatever you’re hearing or seeing, it’s not real.”

They’re five minutes away from his nearest safehouse. It’d be faster to take one of their bikes, but he can’t risk it in case Tim starts hallucinating halfway there. They can make it there swinging, he can keep his brother out of danger.

“I’m fine,” Red Robin says. The way he’s limp in Hood’s hold, says otherwise.  “We’re going home. We’re safe.”

“We’re going home. Close your eyes. Focus on my voice.”

He does it.

“It’s just us now,” Hood reassures him. “We’re on the way to a safehouse where no one can find us and you can rest until the toxin is out of your system. Safe, easy.”

“Steph is fine, Bart is fine, Cassie is fine,” he chants, “Cass is fine, Alfred is fine, Dick is fine, Tam is fine, Pru is fine.”

He keeps listing people that are fine, because of course his fears are all about his friends being hurt. Surprisingly, Hood recognizes all of them. He’s heard Tim talking about all of them repeatedly and he knows their names and personalities, even if he doesn’t have all the faces to match. He isn’t surprised that his friends come first then their family.

“That’s right, kiddo,” Jason encourages. “Who else?”

“Dad..” Tim’s eyes shoot open. “Dad’s gonna kill me. Dad, Dad will know I’m Robin, he’s- He’s gonna take Robin away from me, I can’t- This is the first time I’m being useful.”

Fuck.

“Your dad isn’t here. And you’re not Robin, kid, you’re Red Robin,” Jason reminds him.

“That’s… that’s right. I failed him. I failed Dick, so…”

Double fuck.

“That’s bullshit,” Jason says, but it’s hard to keep the conversation going while he’s carrying Tim’s weight.

They’re two minutes away from safety before Tim starts struggling to get away from Jason. He doesn’t say anything else, which may be more concerning, he just grunts with the effort and squirms. Jason really hopes no one was paying attention enough to notice what looks like Red Hood kidnapping a terrified Red Robin.

“Shit- Stay put, Red, we’re almost home,” Jason says.

Tim’s breath catches and returns, erratic, and Jason can’t bear to look at his horrified face, he hates to see the utter fear that has his brother’s already pale complexion turn ashen, his lips pressed into a line so tight it has got to hurt. Jason starts listing the names of the people that are supposedly fine and that catches Tim’s attention long enough that Jason can swing straight to the fire escape of the abandoned building where he set his hideout.

He sets Tim on the dusty mattress on the corner in a hurry and tosses his helmet aside. He starts undoing Tim’s safety measures so he can remove his cowl. Unlike Jason, he doesn’t wear a domino mask beneath it and Jason makes a mental note of talking to Tim about that later.

“Almost there, Timbers,” Jason says. He rips off his own domino without caring about the sting, hoping a familiar face will help. “I’m here. Now, where do you keep your fear gas antidote? I know you carry some around.”

Tim unconsciously reaches for a particular capsule on his bandolier. That’s enough of an answer for Jason, who pushes his hand away not as gently as he should and reaches for the small vial inside.

“Jay,” Tim whines. “Jay, you’re okay, right?”

Jason blinks, confused. “Of course I’m okay, Timbers. I’m right here.”

And as he rushes to grab the first aid kit under the sink, Jason starts to freak out. This gas isn’t causing hallucinations as much as it’s making Tim feel paranoid, it seems. What if it’s a new formula? What if the antidote doesn’t work? What if Tim keeps having anxious thought after anxious thought, until his heart gives in and-

“Jay!” Tim calls, desperate. “Jay, we have to get Kon! He’s- He’s in danger.” He starts getting up.

“Nope!” Jason pushes him right back into the mattress. “Kon is fine, he’s invulnerable, remember? He’s probably doing superdouche stuff in Metropolis.”

“He’s not, he’s- He’s gonna kill himself, Jay!” There are tears welling up in his eyes and Jason feels like someone just punched him in the gut. After all the shit they went through, he had never seen Tim cry. “He’s gonna sacrifice himself to save everyone, I can’t lose him, please, I’ll do it instead. He’s- No! Please, don’t do it!”

There we go. There are the hallucinations they all know and hate. Tim stretches out his hand as if he’s reaching for an invisible Superboy, so Jason takes the opportunity to start rolling up his sleeve and cleaning the inside of his elbow. Lucky for him, he always has a sanitized syringe. Now he just needs Tim to stay still.

What if it doesn’t work? What if I make it worse?

“Kon El, no,” Tim gasps. “KON EL! CONNER!”

Jason had never seen Impulse going full speed. But he did meet Barry Allen back when he was Robin and he never forgot the deafening noise of someone breaking the barrier of sound. More familiar is the noise of his freaking wall exploding. Before Jason realizes, he’s being ripped away from his screaming brother. He hacks and struggles, but there isn’t a lot he can do when a kryptonian steel arm presses against his throat, effectively pinning him to the wall.

“Give me one reason not to kill you,” Superboy growls, his eyes already glowing red.

Jason would be impressed with the boy’s ability to look murderous if he wasn’t about to have his head melted. He struggles a little more. Superboy doesn’t even seem to notice. Jason then pathetically raises the syringe in his hand and manages to choke out:

“A-antidote.”

Superboy blinks once. His eyes return to the regular shade of blue. He blinks twice. His expression shows only confusion when he releases Jason, that promptly falls on his knees. Jason coughs, touching his throat as if to make sure it’s still intact. Damn clone.

“What happened to him?” Superboy demands.

Tim isn’t trying to get up anymore, but rather convulsing on the same spot, screaming wordlessly in horror, tears streaming freely down his pale cheeks.

Jason coughs some more before he’s able to say something. “A-ask that first next time, will you? It’s… it’s fear gas.”

“And, what, am I supposed to believe you were helping him?” Superboy snarls.

Jason groans. He doesn’t have time for this. Tim has his eyes firmly shut and every scream, every time his voice breaks, it feels like someone is slashing at Jason’s chest, robbing him of air almost as effectively as Superboy did.

“I was about to do that before you interrupted,” Jason shows him the syringe again. “What do you think?”

Superboy squints at him, unhappy with his response.

“We don’t have time for that,” Jason snarls. “At this point, he’s gonna have a heart attack. I need you to hold him still.”

Superboy bites his lip in hesitation but Tim screams his name again and he winces as if the sound is kryptonite for his ears. Finally, he nods and crouches down by the mattress.

“It’s okay, Rob,” he says. “I’m here now. I’ve got you.”

At that, Tim miraculously relaxes for a second. Jason kneels by his side again and holds the outstretched arm Superboy is keeping still.

“Don’t hurt him,” Jason warns. Judging by the look Superboy gives him, the only reason he’s not getting the laser eye treatment is because he’s the only one around capable of helping Tim.

“No,” Tim whines. “Not Jason…”

Jason freezes. Superboy’s eyes start to glow again.

“Not Jason, not again,” Tim continues, delirious, his expression twisting in pain. “Please, please, don’t, help him, HELP HIM!”

Jason stabs the needle into his pale skin and it’s a miracle that he does it right, because he is shaking. Fuck this. Fuck Scarecrow. It’s wrong, it’s horrible to hear Red Robin begging like that. He hates the way the kid startles with the needle. He’s thankful that Superboy makes sure Tim stays put, because he doesn’t think his trembling hands could do that now.

“It’s okay, Timbers,” Jason hears himself saying, “it’s over now.”

“Please,” Tim sobs again, “I- I’m gonna solve this.”

God. Jason grabs his hand. “You did enough, baby bird. You solved enough already.”

Tim whimpers, but finally starts relaxing. It seems like the antidote is working its magic and the boy falls right asleep.

Superboy refuses to leave, much to Jason’s chagrin. It doesn’t surprise him, though. Conner is Tim’s favorite conversation subject when he’s in a good mood and apparently the clone is ready to just fly to Gotham if he hears Tim’s voice.

“You know, metas aren’t allowed here,” Jason reminds him.

Superboy has been stomping back and forth around Tim’s mattress. He's so angry that Jason is worried he’ll break the floor any minute now, but he stops to give Jason the biggest, meanest glower of the night. He doesn’t look anything like the mental picture Tim painted of him. Even with his ripped skinny jeans and 90’s leather jacket and dumb earrings, Superboy looks absolutely murderous.

“I’m not going anywhere until I see that Tim’s fine,” he says.

Jason sighs.

“Why are we here?” Superboy snaps. “Why didn’t you call Alfred or… or Batman or…”

“Because we don’t do that,” Jason cuts him. “Red Robin is not Batman's sidekick. If we can solve shit without involving Batman, we don’t involve Batman.”

It’s their unspoken rule, Jason knows that since the first time they fought side by side - the first time they had a sleepover - and he brought Tim home to patch him up. They don’t call dad or their older bro if they’re in trouble, because that’ll lead to them being in more trouble. They simply watch out for each other as much as they can.

Superboy isn’t happy with that explanation, but, before he can murder Jason for real, Tim stirs.

Jason and Superboy are kneeling by his side at the same time, which says something, since Jason doesn't have superspeed.

“Timbers?” Jason calls.

“Jay…?” Tim mumbles and his voice is still a little raw from all the screaming. He blinks and his eyes set on his best friend. “Conner? What are you doing here?”

“You called,” Superboy says simply. “I told you all you had to do was call my name.”

“How’s the head?” Jason asks. “You're still smart, right? You can’t afford to lose your brain cells, Timbers, with your ugly face they’re all you have.”

Tim snorts. Then groans. “Fuck off, Jason, don’t make me laugh.”

Jason smiles at him and he doesn’t notice the weird look Superboy is giving them.

“Rob? Do you remember what happened?”

Tim starts to sit up and Superboy is faster than Jason in wrapping an arm around his shoulders to steady him. He helps Tim rest his back against the wall and the grateful look Tim gives him makes Jason frown a bit because he feels there is something there he’s missing.

“Hmmm… We were fighting Scarecrow,” Tim says. “Fear gas, broken rebreather...” He looks at Jason as if seeking for confirmation. When Jason nods, he continues, “Jay got me out of there and the rest is… Wait. Where is Scarecrow? Did he escape?”

“That should be the last of your worries, Timothy, you almost died of fear,” Superboy scolds.

Tim sighs. “Oh, to be a young vigilante in the XXI century… passing away of fright.”

Superboy doesn’t get it, judging by his expression, but Jason does and he laughs out loud. He doesn’t miss the way Tim’s lip quirk up.

“See, baby bird, this is why I wear a helmet and so should you,” Jason says.

“Okay, but have you considered that we’d look stupid if we were all the man in the iron mask?”

Jason raises an eyebrow. “God forbid a whole family fighting criminals in leather fursuits look stupid. We wouldn’t fucking want that.”

Tim laughs, even if his voice is still a little hoarse, and Jason is relieved.

He is so relieved to see his brother fine that he doesn’t pay attention to the fact that Superboy still has his arm around Tim’s shoulders. That Superboy’s eyes get all soft when Tim laughs. That Superboy looks a little hurt when he offers to fly Tim home, but Tim refuses, saying that he’d rather spend the rest of the night here.

“I mean, if that’s fine…?” He glances at Jason, reminding him of those first sleepovers, when he was still unsure whether he’d be welcome or not.

Jason is so done feeling or letting his brother feel like an outsider. “The mattress is big enough for both of us, I don’t see why you’d go back to your own apartment when you can just sleep on a perfectly good mattress on the floor.”

“Hm. Cool then,” Superboy says, but instead of flying out through the giant hole he made on the wall, he shifts his weight from one foot to another awkwardly, clearly stalling.

Both brothers notice it. Neither has a problem interpreting Superboy’s fidgeting. Jason finds it annoying, but Tim gives him a pleading look. Jason sighs.

“You can stay too, big guy, but you gonna have to sleep on the floor.”

Superboy’s face lights up and he definitely doesn’t look like he wanted to melt Jason’s head just a couple of minutes ago. He rambles that it’s all good, he just needs to text Ma Kent to let her know where he is and he’s used to sleeping on the floor of the barn with Krypto and the cows (Jason would find that more upsetting if he didn’t know there is a cow somewhere in the Wayne manor too and Damian sleeps in the cave with it all the time).

In the end, Tim bullies Jason into giving Superboy the thickest blanket he has around. He tries suggesting he should sleep in the blanket and let Jason and Superboy share the mattress, but shuts up mid sentence under their glares.

It’s probably the most awkward sleepover so far, but Tim grins at Jason, grateful, and turns his back to him to be able to talk to Superboy in hushed whispers.

Jason tunes out their conversation and focuses on the fact that he did it. He saved Tim. It doesn’t make up for the times he fucked up in the past, but it sure makes him feel better about the present. He’s also thankful that Tim stayed instead of going to his own place. Hearing your little brother scream in fear for your life isn’t something enjoyable and Jason is sure he would have nightmares about if it wasn’t for the fact that Tim was laying right there in front of him. It’s the sound of his brother’s muffled laughter, mixed with Superboy’s, that lulls him to sleep.

Jason should have noticed then. But he didn’t.

For an intelligent guy, Jason can be really stupid sometimes.

The thing is… Jason is smart. He’s not Tim Drake smart, but he’s still a good detective. He’s also fairly sociable. Or at least he used to be, before he, you know, died and went through all the trauma, etc. He is no Dick Grayson, but he can hold a good conversation, pick up the right social cues, all that crap.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t mess up sometimes.

You see, months go by. Red Hood and Red Robin don’t often go on the field together, after all it’d do a number to both of their reputations, but, when they do, one of them always ends up injured and the other carries him home. It’s like a curse, the universe telling them to stick to their off-patrol partnership. Then a couple of weeks go by and they miss the feeling of fighting side-by-side and there they go again.

Tim keeps showing up at Jason’s place whenever he feels like it and he even hangs around Jason’s visiting friends sometimes. Kori adores Tim from the first time she puts her eyes on him. Roy takes a little longer to warm up, but even he can’t resist the kid. Jason likes it. He likes having his brother around. He likes that they get on like a house on fire.

So much he forgets Tim is a master of hiding shit.

On the week nearing Tim’s 19th birthday, Jason goes to his apartment. He doesn’t realize until he’s halfway there that he hadn’t been to Tim’s place since the night he met Prudence, which is odd, because it’d been basically a year and a half. Still, Tim goes over to Jason’s place all the time. The fact that Jason doesn’t repay the favor has everything to do with the fact that Jason hates Tim’s magazine apartment and nothing else.

Right?

Instead of going for the door, Jason uses his signature move and just swings to the balcony. The door is unlocked - Jason really has to have a talk with Tim about security, they’re in Gotham, for fuck’s sake - and he lets himself in.

To Tim’s credit, the place looks more well lived in now. There are mismatched pillows on the couch, a forgotten mug and a couple of books on the coffee table. Jason recognizes his copy of The Count of Monte Cristo and makes an annoyed sound noticing Tim’s bookmarker is still somewhere in the middle of the book even if it’s been weeks since Jason let him borrow it.

“Tim?” Jason calls. It’s half past nine, a little early for vigilante standards, but…

He hears the sound of someone sputtering and coughing from the kitchen. There he is.

Jason heads there and finds Tim desperately grabbing paper towels to clean coffee he apparently just spilled on his bare chest.

“J-Jason!”

“Jumpy aren’t we?” Jason comments. “What’s up, baby bird?”

It’s clear that Tim had just woken up, judging by his messy hair and the fact that he’s wearing nothing but red sweatpants with Superman’s symbol all over. His mildly terrified expression is weird, though. Tim is usually slow in the morning, but not that easy to startle.

“What are you doing here?” Tim whispers, clearly panicking.

The fact that Jason never visits Tim’s place suddenly comes to his mind. The possibility of him not being welcome hits him and it’s surprisingly painful. He thought they were doing well, that the kid liked him. All this time, was he being arrogant?

As his brain scrambles for something to say, something to think, he notices a sound that he hadn’t registered before: the shower.

Suddenly Tim’s rapidly reddening cheeks and doe wide eyes gain a new meaning. Jason forgets the hurt and a sly smile stretches on his face.

“Oh my god. Oh god, this is priceless. Baby bird, do you have a lady guest from last night?”

Tim makes a weird choking sound and this is too good, Jason is too delighted, look at little Timmy go, already getting it. (Jason would’ve chosen different pants for the morning after, but alas.)

Then a voice calls out: “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

A male voice.

Tim’s face becomes three shades darker, now perfectly matching his pants. Jason’s grin is now frozen on his face, his eyes wide with the realization.

The shower stops.

“Tim?” The voice calls again.

“I’m fine, Kon!” Tim responds and his voice is surprisingly even, considering he looks like he’s having an aneurysm.

That’s a bat for you. Master of hiding their emotions.

Sort of.

Kon, Tim said. Jason realizes that Tim isn’t wearing Superman merch. The sweatpants are Superboy themed.

Jason still remembers Superboy’s protective streak all those months ago and the fact that he woke up to the two of them holding hands - at the time, he thought nothing of it, because it had been a stressful night and he didn’t blame either boy for wanting to make sure the other was okay - and he thinks of all the subsequent times Tim went on and on about Conner and how a couple of weeks ago Tim just stopped mentioning Conner altogether.

God, Jason is the worst detective ever.

Tim pushes Jason out of the kitchen and towards the living room, presumably farther from the bathroom where his boyfriend with super hearing was showering.

“Fuck,” Tim mutters, “ fuckfuckfuck… ”

And he looks and sounds so distraught that Jason loses all the eagerness to tease him, concern quickly replacing any initial surprise he might have been feeling.

“Look,” Tim murmurs, looking anywhere but at Jason’s eyes, “it’s not… we’re just…”

Tim scrambles for words and this is so unlike him - Tim always has a plan, always knows what to say - it takes a moment for Jason to catch up on why he’s a stuttering mess. Jason had been so excited to find out his little brother had a boyfriend he forgot he lived in a world where homophobia was a thing.

“Timbers, chill out.” Jason grabs Tim’s hands from where they’re still resting on his shoulders. “It’s just me.”

Tim dares raise his gaze to meet Jason’s and it hurts a bit to see still a little fear in his blue eyes. Jason gives him an encouraging grin.

“I can’t believe you officially bagged a kryptonian. Way to go, kid.”

His shoulders slouch in utter relief right before he starts blushing again. What a cute kid.

“You keep calling me kid. You’re not that older. And don’t say it like that,” Tim mumbles.

“Like what? Like you’re snogging Superboy?” Tim punches him on the shoulder and Jason laughs. “Now I know why you were in such a hurry to leave the manor, you wanted your own place to bring your boyfriend over…”

“That’s not why I left and who said anything about a boyfriend? Maybe this was just a one night stand.”

Jason gives him a condescending look. “Timbers, I might have not realized you’re gay, but I do know you. You’re a boyfriend kinda guy.”

Tim rolls his eyes and mumbles something about assuming shit. “I’m bi,” he says.

“Cool,” Jason says, a shit-eating grin never leaving his face.

“Fuck,” Tim groans and lets himself fall on the couch. “How do you de-escalate an emotional situation so fast?”

“It’s a Bat thing, and you know how to do it too. All of us are trained to avoid emotions like the plague.”

“I was not prepared to come out when I got up this morning,” Tim admits.

Humming, Jason finally realizes that Tim doesn’t want to skip the emotions for this one. He sighs. The things he does for his brothers.

“It’s not a big deal, though,” he says. “I mean, you’re happy right?”

“I’m never happy.”

“Don’t quote Zuko. You started the real talk. You don’t get to bat your way out of it now.”

A sigh. “I’m happy. Conner is… the best.”

Jason nods. “Then it’s all good. I’m sure all the others would say the same.”

“You can't tell them!” Tim snaps, his eyes suddenly wide with panic again. “Seriously, Jay, you can’t-”

“Calm down, kid,” Jason cuts him off. “When did I make a habit of spilling your secrets to the B-man? It's none of their business.” Tim visibly relaxes and Jason adds: “Actually… Want me to make your house Dick-proof?”

“...what?”

“I mean, not kryptonian dick, you’re clearly into that,” and he ignores it when Tim pops him on the back of the head. “I mean Dick Dick, our brother. I could set up a better security system so you don’t have to worry about one of your siblings walking into something scarring, especially the clingy one.”

“No security system can stop Dick’s clinginess.”

“How do you think I keep him off my place?”

That’s when their little pow wow gets interrupted by more kryptonian skin than Jason ever wanted to see as Conner walks in with nothing but the smallest of the towels wrapped around his waist.

“Babe, what is--” He notices Jason and slips on literally nothing, barely catching himself before falling on his ass. “ Shit- I mean, nothing, I mean, we were just binging Wendy!”

Jason doesn’t say anything, but he does give Tim a look that says it all. He wasn't judging earlier, but he is now. Tim gives him a look that definitely means shut up.

In the end, Jason stays for breakfast.

It’s only mildly awkward, because he and Tim fill the silence talking about the latest case Jason’s working on while Conner makes them pancakes. Judging by the fact that he’s getting the ingredients from a bunch of plastic bags, he must have brought all the food with him. If anything, Jason is grateful that he and Alfred are no longer the only people trying to get Tim to eat actual food.

When Tim turns to Conner for his opinion, leaving Jason to enjoy his coffee, Jason looks around and notices that there are new pictures on the fridge. There are some of those disgustingly cute pictures of Tim and Conner, their cheeks pressed together as they make weird faces for the camera. There is a picture of Conner by himself and, again disgustingly, he is smiling at the camera as though the most precious person in the world is behind it. Both pictures are held by a sun magnet. There is a new candid shot of Cassandra, one of Alfred-Alfred holding cat Alfred, a new one of Dick and even Damian is in there.

And, his heart stops for a second, because now there are pictures of Jason as well.

They’re carefully placed far from each other, but there are three different pictures. There is one of Jason wearing his Lord of the Rings shirt, eating cereal on the couch, a confused expression on his face. He remembers when Tim took that picture, because Tim waited until Jason had his mouth full before calling hey Jay? and snapping the picture right as Jason looked at him, his cheeks like a chipmunk's. The second picture is a candid of him smiling, leaning against the rail of some safehouse balcony. The shot was carefully framed to not show anything distinct of the surroundings, just Jason and Gotham’s sky.

The third one is a selfie. In it, Jason is asleep, his lips parted and face relaxed, his head resting on Tim’s shoulder. Tim has a shit eating grin on his lips as if there is nothing funnier to him than his giant older brother falling asleep on him in the middle of movie night. Tim had the decency of drawing a mustache on Jason’s face to decrease sappiness, but that effect is ruined by the fact that the picture is held by a magnet that was clearly Iron Man but Tim had painted it red to look like Jason’s hood.

Jason had sworn off killing, at least for a little while.

But he would gladly kill again for his little brother.

As he gets ready to leave, he turns to Conner and deadpans, “I don’t have to tell you that I can and I will make kryptonite bullets, do I?”

“Jason!” Tim scolds.

“What? I’m the first of the family to find out. Least I can do is taje care of the shovel talk.”

“Stop threatening my boyfriend.”

Conner blushes profusely and mouths the word boyfriend with marvel and ugh. Just… ugh . Jason is happy that Tim is happy, but he and Conner are apparently that kind of couple and Jason wants to have none of it.

“So, first we kill Damian,” Jason starts.

“No,” Tim says.

“Aw, come on, you didn’t even consider it!”

Cassandra waits until they decide their plan of action (it’s probably going to be Tim’s) and keeps her expression carefully neutral as not to show which one of them she agrees with (Tim).

The thing, Jason realized, is that all of them have favorites in their family and knowing that makes it easier to tear them down. Dick can fuck off with his I love you all equally bullshit, because he clearly always favors Damian. Damian swings between Batdad’s little boy and Nightwing’s murder baby. Tim will easily lose focus whenever Steph is involved. Steph is oddly protective of Duke, for some reason. Cassandra is mostly neutral. She’s everyone’s favorite, including Bruce’s, but she’s also the deadliest of them all so she is no one’s weakness. She does, however, have a soft spot for Tim over any of her brothers. Since Jason became close friends with Tim, he entered Cassandra’s selective protection bubble and he’s now, by all definitions, untouchable.

Or at least that’s how he felt when she chose him for her team right after Tim.

“We kill Dick first,” Tim knocks down the little Nightwing action figure on the carpet. “Cass, you’re the only one who can take him down. Jay and I distract the others while you do the job. Damian will get personally offended by that and will grow reckless.” He knocks down the little imp figurine. “I can take care of him then. Steph will be hiding somewhere ready to strike. She is best in close range combat. Jay, I need you to take her down before she gets too close.” He pushes down the Barbie doll someone dressed as Batgirl, because apparently they couldn’t find blonde Batgirl merch and they were very offended. “Then we win.”

He may sound impressive, but the whole time he’s speaking he has his head resting on Cass’ lap and she is carding her fingers through his hair as a villain would do to their evil pet cat.

“Can’t I murder the demon brat?” Jason complains.

Tim glares at him - again, not very intimidating while he’s basically lying on his sister’s lap.

“You know Steph would wipe the floor with me. You’re the only one I can trust to get her.”

“Unless…” Jason turns around. “Du-”

“No.”

“Come on, I’ll give you ten bucks.”

“Jason, we’re all rich, you can’t buy me.” Duke doesn’t even raise his eyes from his book. “Plus last time I let y’all drag me into this shit, Steph knocked off one of my teeth with Tim’s staff.”

“If you hadn’t killed me, then she wouldn’t have taken revenge,” Tim argues.

“And yet you’re planning to kill Dick counting on the fact that Damian will try to avenge him.”

“Wet blanket,” Cassandra says.

Tim and Jason go into a giggling fit as Duke sputters, too indignant to put his thoughts into words.

In the end, Duke still doesn’t join them.

As they expected, the enemy was listening to their plan - Jason is sure Dick was against it, but Stephanie and Damian are definitely not above spying - nonetheless they still played their parts as expected: Steph and Damian tried protecting Dick first and foremost, but not even the two of them combined could take Cassandra. Not with Jason and Tim backing her up.

Cassandra knocks Dick down and sits on his back. The large yellow paint splash on his chest proves that he’s dead. Rather than being upset, Dick starts doing push ups with his sister there as the rest of his siblings and Steph fight to death.

Unfortunately, Damian wasn’t as angered by Dick’s demise as they expected and is still a good match for Tim. Until Tim gasps and goes Titus, don’t eat that! It was an obvious ploy, but still got Damian to let down his guard and whip his head around looking for his precious dog. Tim shoots him without hesitation and Damian goes on a rage soliloquy.

Jason would appreciate it if he wasn’t having such a hard time with Stephanie. Apparently Barbara has been feeding her steroids, because the girl is now as quick as a ninja. She hits Jason in the kneecaps with Tim’s staff - they’re not even in the same team this time, how the fuck did she get Tim’s staff??? - and shoots him point blank in the chest. And damn, that shit hurts. He bets it’s purple under his shirt too.

Steph is mid celebration when her victory whoop turns into a pained groan. Twin splotches of red and yellow bloom on her back as Cassandra and Tim lower their guns.

“Fuck,” Jason complains. “Couldn’t’ve done that before she killed me?”

“We win,” Cassandra says.

“Shouldn’t you be fighting to the death now?” Dick asks. Now that Cass is off his back, he’s lying on the side like one of your French girls. Jason wishes Cass would shoot him again.

“I would never betray Cass,” Tim says.

“We rule together.” She walks to him and stands on her tiptoes to kiss his forehead.

Tim grins a wicked grin because he knows he is Cassandra’s favorite and everyone can die mad about it.

Steph and Damian start shouting their complaints at the same time while Dick laughs his ass off. From his lawn chair, Duke is glaring at them as if he can’t believe he’s legally related to any of these weirdos.

His gaze meets Dick’s and his older brother looks absolutely elated with pride even though all of their siblings are yelling about paintball.

Jason simply smiles back.

[salty-vents]

My first vent!

Hi, ive been needing a healthy way to vent out my frustrations and i feel a public diary helps because i hate the feeling of screaming for help and none is received. Please dont judge me on my spelling though, i really hate " 's" because they take too much time.

I tend to overthink when im asleep and i had thought about a friend i had recently lost. Lately ive been thinking "were they really a friend?" there were times they did care for me like a friend and were protective of me, but other times they made me feel like i was a bad person for my flaws. They also would take their emotions out on me and their other friends. They cant take criticism either (me being a blunt person especially when i call someone out, it doesnt mix well) she doesnt like to hear the hurtful truth Even if its for her own good. Though one unforgiving thing about her is that she got upset and talked shit about me to her friends because i was suicidal cause i lost my literal boyfriend because of his moms racial discrimination and because i did something that caused our relationship to be unsecreted (if thats even a word) she told me she literally was upset because she was jealous and that hes a boy. Shes kinda sexist and thinks boys are evil for some reason. She was jealous i had more trust in a boy (one who treated me way better than she did; plus not long before this she literally had out of no where blocked me but i forgot why its been a year or 2 since.) she made the arguement ive known her longer but that was untrue cause i met her near the end of 8th grade from my old art blog. While the boy i met during the beginning my second semester of 8th grade. Idk what she told that friend of hers but what she said made them think i was a bad person. And as well as when i met them they just outright said i havent changed and im confused what she even meant cause she barely knew anything about me (or at least anything good about me). this is sad coming from me because i do this too, but she never understands how the shit she does effects the people that care about her. Hints why her ex girlfriend no longer wants to be in a relationship because she messed it up being all needy and wanting attention from her 24/7 despite her girlfriend juggling a job and college. Shes too busy but she tried to reach out

But on The other hand this ex friend of mines was incredibly lazy and did nothing but sleep and procrastinate. I called her out on it especially after she had hurt her own girlfriend by blocking her to try to get her attention, which is detrimental especially since she has bad anxiety. She is pretty selfish, and her ex girlfriend is a close friend of mines, sisterly in fact. So i stood up for her as i do with all my friends. Ever since that day, my ex friend would be petty and bring it up and stuff. One day i just had enough after a bad argument and her friend blocking me after saying "i didnt change at all" when in the argument she was telling me i wasnt doing things i did do? I have people who was aware of the situation back me up. So i just had enough and cut both of them out my life especially that ex friend whos the main story in this post cause ever since that dumb incident where she hurt her own girlfriend, she changed up on me and was all.. Two-faced and i couldnt stand it.

[may85]

Summary: Reader has a rare form of Anemia. Michael does what he can to save her.

Pairing: Michael Morbius x Reader

Movie: Morbius (Summer 2020)

Word Count: 1394

Warnings: None

A/N: SEND in your requests for Morbius!

Y/N Lancaster groaned as she flipped through the channels on tv. It was nothing but daytime soap operas and she was ready to pull her hair out.

"Gah, I'd kill for a good horror movie!" She whined, plopping the controller down next to her.

It sucked being cooped up in a hospital. Her rare form of Anemia had progressed for the worse and now here she lay, not having the strength to get out of bed and walk around.

"Knock, knock," the calming voice of Michael Morbius said, his head peeking in through the door.

"Michael!" Y/N tried her to pull herself up some, but gave up as her arms shook.

"Hey, don't stress yourself. Let me help," Michael placed a bookbag down on a chair and went to Y/N's bed. 

He moved around some wires and her IV so not to yank on it and leaned down as if to hug her, "Wrap your arms around me,"

Weakly she did, resting her forehead on his shoulder.

"One, two, three…" he counted.

With a deep breath, she held onto him as he pulled her upward. He gently placed her back down and held hugged her, giving her gentle squeeze.

"I missed you the other day," he said, pulling back.

Y/N smiled. Had she been healthier, she sure she would have blushed. She looked down at her fingers and nodded, biting her lip.

"I missed you too,"

The relationship between Y/N and Michael had started out as just friends, but was slowly turning into something more. 

Michael had been given her case by an anonymous staff member at the hospital. He had gone to meet her and after realizing that suffered from a severe form of Anemia, he came to the conclusion that he had to help her.

She was sweet, beautiful and funny as hell. They talked about everything under the sun and had bonded quickly.

It was subtle things; you know the little gestures of affection. Holding hands, which helped because her were always freezing, moving a strand of hair out of her eyes, an arm around her shoulders, a kiss on the cheek; those types of gestures.

"How have they been treating you lately?" He asked her, sitting down at her hip.

She shrugged. There had been an incident with the on call doctor. He had the reputation of being an asshole. No bedside manner what so ever. 

He didn't really believe how sick Y/N was and therefore down played a small episode that could have turned worse had the nurse not jumped in after he left the room. Why the hospital took this doctor on was beyond her.

Michael traced her jaw, then gently tilted her head up, "Talk to me,"

The softness of his voice and the serious kindness in his blue eyes made her tear up.

She swallowed thickly, "I- I don't want to be here, Michael. I'd rather be anywhere else than here,"

It was then she started to cry, which caused her to have an episode of her heart palpitating.

Michael glanced at her machines as they beeped and pulled her to him, rubbing her back, "Shhhhh. You need to calm down Sweetheart,"

She hiccupped at the feeling of her heart skipping so many beats.

"C'mon. Take a deep breath and cough," he instructed calmly.

She did as told and repeated the process two more times before she was able to calm down and get her heart back on rhythm.

God she was so tired now… and that was a mild episode.

Michael laid her back, cradling her face.

"Don't leave…"

He leaned down and kissed her forehead, "I'm not. You need to rest okay? I'll be right here when you wake up,"

Her eyes closed as her breathing slowed. Michael pulled the blankets up to her chin and lowered the back of the bed into a more comfortable position.

He was pissed at this doctor for treating Y/N in such a way that was uncalled for. He could feel the rage building, his teeth elongating, the bloodlust reaching an all time high.

He had to calm down though, this was not the way to get her out of the hospital. So doing what was best for them both, he pulled up a chair and sat close to the bed, holding Y/N's hand tightly.

°°°°°°

It was a loud crashing sound that woke Michael from a deep sleep. His body jerked, his heart beating rapidly as he looked around. The bed was empty and the bathroom light was on.

He jumped from his seat and over his backpack, pulling the door open.

Y/N lay on the floor, blood oozing from her head, her IV dispenser knocked over next to her.

"Shit, shit, shit," he chanted, hopping over her and carefully turning her over. Michael checked for a pulse and found it, but she was just barely hanging onto a thread.

Reaching over into the tub, he pulled the emergency string to bring a nurse in. Within seconds one came running in, "What happened?!"

"I don't know. Grab the IV," Michael said, lifting Y/N's body.

As soon as the nurse placed Y/N's feet on the bed, Michael spun around, his eyes turning white as he locked his gaze with the nurse.

She froze, completely under his trance.

"Y/N was signed out earlier today, her anemia cured. This never happened. Now go,"

"Yes. She's fine. Nothing happened," her voice was devoid of any emotion as she turned and left the room.

Blood still seeped from the wound on Y/N's head and Michael knew the clock was ticking. Reaching into his backpack, I pulled out a filled  syringe and took the cap off.

He paused for a split second. He knew that Y/N didn't want to die and he most certainly didn't want her to either.

He released the air bubble from the needle and placed it into her IV, injecting the medicine. It was what cured him and he had planned on talking to her about it once she'd woken up, but it was done now and he had to do was wait.

°°°°°°

With a great gasp Y/N's eyes flew open, her chest heaving. She slowly sat up and saw that she was no longer in the hospital.

"Michael?" She called out, her voice cracking.

She took the time to see if she felt any pain and remembered how she had hit her head. She touched the spot where the gash should have been, but to her amazement it wasn't there.

Her body didn't ache, but she felt somewhat drained and wobbly. Almost as if she'd taken a benadryl on an empty stomach.

"Michael?" She called out again, swinging her legs over.

As soon as her feet hit the ground, she heard Michael call out, "I wouldn't do th-"

Her legs gave way as soon as she stood, but with reflexes that were not human like, Michael caught her.

"You have to give yourself some time to adjust, Y/N,"

"Adjust? To what? What's going on, Michael?"

Without a word, he handed her a mirror. She licked her lips and sighed, figuring she looked absolutely horrid.

Her eyes widened when she finally looked at herself. Her cheeks were rosy, her eyes no longer sunken in and dull… she looked healthy. 

"I gave you a cure… but there are side effects," Michael said, watching her reaction.

"Are you serious?" Y/N asked, her eyes stinging with the onslaught of tears.

Michael nodded as he walked over and sat next to her. Big tears rolled down her cheeks as she turned her body into his.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Michael kissed her head and gently rubbed her back.

"You're welcome, Sweetheart,"

"What are the side effects?" She asked, sniffling.

He sighed, not knowing how she'd take it so he decided to stay vague just to be safe, "Let's just keep you here for a few days and we'll see what could or could not develop, alright?"

Her smile was so big as she hugged him. He grunted from the force of it, but laughed as he kissed her temple. 

"Ooops, sorry… I don't know my own strength anymore," she giggled.

Well, that was one box to check off as soon as he'd get her chart.

[milstrim]

Happy FFWF! 💛 What would you say are the top 3 scenes you've ever written? This can be for any story or drabble you've written for :)

Happy (late) FFWF!!!

oh wow uh idk hmmm

this is gonna get long so ill cut it

3) This one's whumpy but I like it

"Why do you even care? You're never around anyway," she muttered, bitter and spiteful.

Tony didn't flinch, "I'm never around, huh? I don't care? Well, excuse me if I have to leave to try and keep the world spinning, or because a certain group has threatened you again."

"I don't need you to protect me all the time!"

"Because you can lift a bus? Because you think you're some kind of invincible teenager who sneaks out knowing that the UN wants to arrest you. Knowing that there is a whole terrorist organization out for your blood. And you leave the tower anyway, using your powers as a party trick."

"They're not a party trick!" she protested heatedly. She wasn't a party trick.

"But you still went to that party. You ditched Happy and left your trackers and went to a party and got drunk apparently. How long were you lying about doing that little stunt? You can definitely keep a secret longer than I thought. Though you're a terrible liar."

Penny didn't say anything, the doubts the worries and the fears all unfolding before her. She'd tried so, so hard to be exactly what Tony expected of her. Of what everyone expected of her. She was smart in her classes. She was well behaved. She tried to be what Tony had been at her age; a prodigy. Even though she wasn't.

The few secrets she'd held close to her chest--some locked deep and hidden, never to see the light of day--had been the last of what felt like her life, before it had completely crumbled. Spider-Woman was the only thing that let her know she was important, that she was okay. If she could save other people, if she could make sure that others were okay, surely she must be okay too.

"Was it a dare? Or did you make that idiotic decision on your own? To get kidnapped and Happy hurt and Rhodey paralyzed and everyone else worried out of their minds." Her breath caught. Paralyzed. "Do you think that you can do this all on your own? That some radiation and spider experimentation means that you can do whatever you want, willy nilly?"

"I don't--"

"No, this is where you zip it, all right? The adult is talking. What if somebody had died tonight? What if Rhodey had? What if Phoenix had taken the weapons they'd wanted? Because I can assure you that they don't want them to make sure everyone holds hands. Different story, right? ‘Cause that’s on you. And if you died, that's on me," he paused, but she didn't notice the fear and the guilt, as though he were reliving the moment he spoke of. All she could think of was what she'd done. And about what she hadn't done, "I'm still waiting on the why. Why leave? Why lie? Why trust Natasha and not me?"

"I didn't tell her," Penny muttered, "She found out."

"And then you swore her to secrecy. You made her promise not to tell me, because...? Because you don't trust me? Is there anything that can make me trustworthy in your eyes? What the hell do you need, Penny!?"

"I need for my life to be normal again!" she spat, not even noticing as she sprung up onto her feet, her eyes watering as she yelled, "I need to not be a celebrity! I need to see my friends and feel free in my own home without people breathing down my neck all the time! I need my dad to be here when I feel like I'm dying or losing my mind, like May and Ben always used to!!!" Her voice broke, "I wish I was just a Parker again! I wish I wasn't your daughter!!!"

Tony flinched. Tears slipped down her cheeks. They stared at each other, tense silence that stretched in thick tension between them. A storm ready to break.

She'd already broken.

Without a word, the man stalked over to her. He didn't make eye contact with her, didn't say anything. He didn't even look at her. He brushed past Penny, grabbing the bright red suit sprawled on the hospital bed.

She didn't watch him as he did, staring straight ahead at the offending wall, her breaths gasping. She couldn't think. All she could feel was regret. Her hands trembled with it, her legs shaking in fear at her own words.

Her father walked past her again, the suit clutched in an angry fist. He left.

A sob tore from her throat.

2) This one will be spoilers for the next chap for my Ashes fic, but I figure its been so long ive got to throw some bread crumbs

Tony smiled at the thought, but it quickly disappeared when the teenager flinched, followed by a guttural whine. Nightmares, he guessed.

As he was pondering what to do, his muggy mind failing him, he caught sight of a familiar matted figure. His eyes lit up at the sight of Platty sitting on top of the white hospital blanket. Moving without thinking, he reached out for it, tucking the stuffed animal up to Penny's collar. He followed the action by hugging her closer to him and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She didn't flinch again, but the twitching and whimpering continued. He tried his best to urge her past whatever nightmares were tormenting her, rubbing soothing circles into her back and peppering kisses onto her hairline whenever there was a pained murmur.

It took a few minutes, but, finally, Penny stilled. Tony wasn't sure whether it had been his comfort or if the nightmare had simply run its course, but he couldn't find the energy to understand which. With the danger of Penny's pain gone, his eyes began to droop again, dark eyes slipping until he was consumed by slight snores.

The two were stuck in the motion of instinctual comfort. A teenager tucked against her dad's side, her cheek draped against his shoulder. A man's head curled into his daughter's hairline, asleep mid-comforting kiss. Between them, a yellow stuffed animal buoyed warmth and familiarity.

1) I just love this scene. ive very rarely ended fics so far and i loved trying it out (*￣3￣)╭

"Boss, Mr. Parker is back."

Tony glanced up from where he was working in the lab, looking away from his newest project to smile brightly at the ceiling. He stood up, wiping his oily hands off on his equally oily pants, finally conceding to grab a cloth and rub the slick grease from his fingers. The mechanic gave the new project one last glance before throwing the cloth down on the nearest table and stepping toward the elevator.

"Great. Tell him I'm on my--"

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Tony turned, a confused expression turning into a small smile as he caught sight of the red and blue figure stuck on the window, waving at the mechanic in excitement. He rolled his eyes, walking over and undoing the latch on the window to let the teenager finally at a healthy weight roll into the room.

"I'm gonna start putting bug spray around the apartment until you learn to use a door," Tony warned. Peter pulled his mask off, revealing hair pulled down by sweat and a bright smile. They grew brighter and brighter every day. The teenager rammed a shoulder into Tony's playfully.

"Why can't a window be a door?"

"Because it's a window."

"Old houses in the south used to be able to transform between windows and doors to evade taxes."

Tony considered him. "How do you know this?"

"Decathlon."

Tony rolled his eyes, unsure of how he hadn't guessed that. He was going to the kid's competition next week for heaven's sake!

"Well, this is not the old south. We use doors here."

"That's less fun."

"Yeah, yeah. Go wash up for dinner."

"But it's barely five! I was going to go out again."

"Should've thought about that earlier," Tony teased. "It's family dinner night. And don't you have an essay due?"

Peter mumbled, but listened nonetheless, beginning to pad away towards the elevator to go up to their apartment suite, when there was the ringing of an oncoming call. Both of their heads turned as a screen popped up, displaying an unknown number, untraceable too. Tony and Peter exchanged raised eyebrows as the kid walked back over.

"What is this, Fri?"

"It is an incoming call from the phone Captain Rogers sent you."

Peter glanced between him and the screen warily. "That means there's a problem, doesn't it?"

"Probably," Tony admitted.

He turned to the kid, patting the kid's back and fixing him with a steady stare. Peter's doe eyes attached to his, trusting in a way that had been growing exponentially recently. Tony hadn't known it was possible to look at someone with that much trust. That much love. Especially from a kid whose first interaction with Tony had ended up in him running away, but life had become steadily calm, steadily trusting, as the days had gone by. As the months had. A few bumps in the road and a couple of mishaps, some bigger than others along the way, but good nonetheless. Yeah, life was good.

Tony liked to think he was right most of the time, but even he knew he was pretty hit or miss on how to remain any kind of relationship. But this--Tony knew he'd been right. His purpose was to protect Peter. And he loved every second of it.

"But if it is, I'll keep you safe. We'll fix it together."

Peter's lips tugged in a trusting smile. He held out a fist. "Together. MacaTony--"

Tony returned the fist bump lightly with a roll of his eyes, grinning as he caught sight of their shadows switching, "--And Peter-butter."

Whatever Steve was calling for, neither would be going in alone. They were never alone.

Their shadows made sure of it.

[honeyhan-123]

Say Thank You X

Series Summary: Nearly five years have passed since Steve Rogers saves your life without so much as a thank you. When he sees you again by chance, he makes sure that he’ll never let you go and maybe teach you some manners in the process.

Series Warning: This will be a dark!Steve fic with stalking, kidnapping and manipulating as well as non-con and dub-con situations. Please don’t read it if you don’t like that sort of thing.

Chapter Warnings: talk of Stockholm Syndrome and gas lighting tactics. 

Word Count: 3.8k

AN: Whelp this one really got away from me ngl. I had intended to include so much more in this chapter yet all of a sudden I was already at 2.8k and had hardly done anything. I hope it lives up to the hype from last chapter x

I. New York ~ II. Madrid ~ III. The Apartment ~ IV. The Trip ~ V. The Basement ~ VI. The First Lesson ~ VII. The Waiting Game ~ VIII. The First Attempt ~ IX. The Darkness

Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

X. The Truth

You felt cold, huddling further into the blankets as Steve started pulling on his clothes, running a shaking hand through his hair, his eyes flickering over to you every few seconds. Even with everything that he had done to you, you still wanted to comfort him. Obviously whatever was going on was freaking him out. 

You resisted the part of your brain that craved to get out of bed and wrap your arms around him, trying to calm him down. You hated that he had done this to you, made you feel distressed for him, not only because of him. You watched as he continued to dress, pulling his pants on and then his shirt and shoes before coming back to where you lay on the bed. You watched in trepidation as he pulled you into his arms, wrapping them firmly around your body. Despite how tightly he held you, you could still feel the slight tremble that resonated through his body. Something big was clearly going on. 

‘What’s going on Steve?’ Your words were mumbled against his pale blue shirt, the fabric dampening the sound and even though Steve didn’t respond for a long time, you knew he had heard you.

‘It’s nothing Doll. Just go back to bed. I’ll be back down soon.’ You whimpered as he disentangled himself from you and stood from the bed. You watched him walk away, back towards the door, pausing once he got there to look back at you, his fear clearly reflected in his eyes as he stared at you like it may be the last time he would ever see you again. 

You were silent as his eyes held yours for a moment before breaking away and running a hand through his hair once more as he stared at the steel door in front of him. He didn’t look back as he pulled it open and closed behind him. The click of the lock signalled his departure as he left you alone once more. 

+

Steve’s heart was racing as he climbed the stairs, dreading having to open his door. He was partly tempted to just pretend he wasn’t even at home, to just leave Bucky standing out there and head back down to the basement. However he knew that it wouldn’t solve any of his problems, knowing Bucky he would just come back later or break down the door. 

Even though he had barely been away from you for a minute, he was already missing you. He felt kind of pathetic for it but the way you had felt beneath him, your walls fluttering around him just made him want to turn around and ignore Bucky. The taste of you was still on his tongue and if he weren’t so incredibly stressed about his best friend finding out what was going on, he definitely would have been hard underneath his trackies. 

While the sex had been amazing that morning, it wasn’t what he loved the most about the interaction. What had really made him feel like he was sky high was the way you hadn’t pulled away from him. Not during, and not after. 

He had worried that after yesterday it would be awhile before you came back to him yet you had lied there, curled against his chest, your arms wrapped around his torso as you both came back down. Steve didn’t want to be too hasty in moving your relationship forward, especially after what had happened yesterday, but it had filled him with hope. 

Steve paused on his way to the door, realising that he probably looked and smelt like sex. There wasn’t a lot he could about the smell about he headed into the bathroom quickly to give himself a once over, running his hands through his hair, trying to tame the post-sex style he was sporting. While a shower would be amazing, Bucky was standing outside his door, probably already wondering what the hell was taking him so long so he left the safety of the bathroom and headed back into the passage, taking the steps as slowly as he could. 

He tried to convince himself that there was no way Bucky could know what was going on. Sure he had been acting kind of strange and secluded the past month or so since meeting you again but surely Bucky hadn’t figured out what he had done. It was times like these that Steve really hated working with a bunch of super observant super spies. There was no such thing as secrets. 

Taking a deep breath and trying to calm his nerves, Steve placed his hand onto the door lock and twisted, pulling it open. 

+

You stared at the door through which Steve had left for a long time, waiting for him to come back down and tell you what the hell was going on. You didn’t understand what had happened to make him so freaked out but it was making you nervous by extension. 

Your mind was continually replaying the way his face and paled as he stared at his phone, the slight tremor of his hands as he held the sleek device, the way he had stared at you, had held you before he left, the terror that was so evident on his face. 

You scarcely dared to hope. Maybe someone had realised what had happened to you. You tried to count the days you had been trapped down here, tried to remember how long it had been. The days were fuzzy, they all tended to mix together but you were almost sure it had been over two weeks, heading towards three since that night Steve had taken you from your apartment. 

Relief flooded through you. If you were right and it had been nearly three weeks, surely Mariana was missing you, surely she had called the police once you didn’t return from your trip to New York. Maybe that was why Steve had been so panicked, some way, somehow, the police had tracked you to him. A smile covered your face, maybe you would be free soon.

However as you headed back to the bed, trying to cover yourself for when the police broke down the door, you didn’t expect the guilt to begin to bubble up through you. If the police came, they would take you away from Steve, he’d be locked away for breaking the accords, for saving his friend. 

Turmoil wrecked through your body as you sat, your fingers playing with the smooth satin sheets, your eyes flickering around the room. You tried to be rational yet every time you even thought of someone taking you away from Steve your mind would replay that morning, the way his tongue danced around your skin, the feeling of him inside of you. A shiver ran up your spine as you remembered that. The feeling of fullness he had given you was too good to resist. He had touched places inside of you previous lovers hadn’t even come close to. 

Yet with every good memory of the way he had held you as you read aloud to him, or every time he had helped with your hair before bed came a terrible memory. The feeling of his palm whacking your skin, his thick leather belt when you had tried to escape, the sheer anger that had radiated off of him yesterday tormented you. You could still feel the undeniable sting in your ass as you sat, a constant reminder of what he had done. 

You didn’t understand the turmoil you felt. You didn’t understand the guilt, the sense of sadness that came with the idea of being rescued. Any sane person would leave with the police and never look back. 

Staring at the steel door, you questioned your sanity. 

+

Bucky’s bored face was the first thing Steve saw as he pulled open the door. His best friend didn’t bother waiting for an invitation inside, merely sidestepped him and entered his house, giving him a long once over. ‘Last time I checked you were still a healthy young punk, not some senior citizen who takes five minutes to answer his doorbell.’ 

‘Sorry Buck, I uh… I was just about to take a shower.’ Lying to his best friend felt unnatural and just plain wrong but he couldn’t tell him the truth, not with everything that he had been through. 

‘Oh a shower huh? Yeah I see that. Sometimes after sex I like to shower too, helps get the smell off of me.’ Steve was glad he was no longer facing Bucky as he led him down the hall, mentally cursing himself for answering the door and not getting back in bed like he wanted to. The two men took a seat at Steve’s coffee table and the blonde twiddled his thumbs, watching his best friend stare him down. ‘Don’t even try and deny it Stevie, I’ve known for a while. I’m just really starting to get worried, you left the meeting early yesterday you’ve been completely MIA since Madrid. I know we were away on a mission but you didn’t call, not once to see how it was going. You’re just not acting like yourself and Nat and I are starting to get a little concerned. What’s going on? Who is she?’ 

‘I’m not ready to talk about it yet Buck. It’s… it’s still too new, too fragile. Plus if I do you’re gonna hate me.’ Steve could barely look him in the eyes, focusing instead on his fingers as they played with themselves. 

‘Okay, now I know something’s seriously wrong with you. I could never hate you Stevie. You my best pal, I just want to know what’s going on.’ His words did little to settle the uneasiness that bubbled in Steve’s stomach. 

‘But you will. I’m basically doing what Hydra did to you, to her.’ The admission itself felt good but the long pause that followed his words didn’t. 

‘What do you mean Steve? What do you mean you’re doing what Hydra did to me, to her?’ He could feel Bucky’s eyes on him but the words didn’t want to come. While they were definitely questionable, Steve could justify his actions to himself. He was lonely and had done so much for the world and received so little in return. He had been thrown out of his time and forced into the twenty-first century. Everything had been taken from him. Was it really so wrong for him to want something, someone to himself?

‘I just… I saw her. Years ago. It was the battle of New York and I-I saved her but she didn’t… She didn’t say thank you. Months passed; years passed, and I couldn’t get her out of my mind and then I saw her. She was working in that little cantina, you know the one we were observing because of Alejandro? I don’t know why she was there but she was. After all this time apart and to just see her again, it was too much. I didn’t want to lose her once more. I know it sounds crazy because we didn’t even know each other but I felt like we did. I had spent years obsessing over her and here she was, just ready for the taking.’ The words didn’t feel quite coming out of Steve’s mouth but he pushed on, needing for Bucky to understand.

‘I knew it was wrong, I knew I shouldn’t do it but I started to watch her, following her whenever I could and when she booked a ticket back to New York, I took it as a sign. She was coming back, she was coming back to me. She may not have known it at the time but she was.’ His mouth went dry and his mind blank as he tried to come up with the words for how to describe what happened next. 

‘What did you do to her Steve? Where is she?’ Bucky’s voice was low, as though he were talking to a frightened animal and not one of the world’s mightiest heroes. 

‘Downstairs.’ The word was barely more than a whisper yet Bucky’s reaction was immediate. He stood from the table, his chair scraping against the hardwood.

‘You’re keeping her in the basement? Steve for god sake! She’s a person too.’

 ‘Don’t you think I know that Bucky? Don’t you think I feel bad about what I’m having to do? But if I want this to work, if I want us to work then this is what I have to do. Plus this way I can always make sure she’s safe and that she won’t be able to run from me. And it’s not like I haven’t tried to make her life better.’ 

‘Make her life better? Steve, she’s trapped in your basement.’

‘She’s not trapped and she won’t be there forever. When she finally learns how to behave, I’ll take her out. She’ll live up here with me. I have it all planned out. And i am making her life better. She was miserable in Madrid, her apartment was a tiny, unconditioned little thing. She had no one except for that old lady who owned the cantina and while she may only have me now, eventually I really want her to have you and the rest of the team too. She has no family, no one who will miss her and I want to give her that, a family. I love her Buck. I know I’ve completely gone about it the wrong way but I was so scared that she would just reject me again or something like that. Surely after everything I’ve suffered, I deserve this one little piece of happiness?’

Steve watched Bucky as he absorbed everything that had been said, processing Steve’s justification of what had happened. 

‘I want to meet her.’ Bucky was firm, retaking his seat at the table across from Steve, his eyes never leaving Steve’s.

‘I’m sorry Buck but I can’t let that happen.’

‘What do you mean you can’t let that happen?’ Bucky’s response was biting yet Steve held firm.

‘She’s not ready yet. I don’t think it will take too much longer, she’s already softening towards me but she’s not ready to see anyone other than me yet, especially not after what happened yesterday.’

‘Ahh, so that was about her. What happened that made you leave so suddenly?’

Steve had to break eye contact, swallowing down his guilt. ‘She tried to escape.’ Bucky could see the guilt in Steve’s eyes and he knew what came next without even needing to ask. ‘I had to punish her. To show her that behaviour like that is unacceptable. But she’s forgiven me, or she will. She’ll understand.’

There was a long pause while Bucky stared at his best friend, confused as to when he became the type of person that thought kidnapping a young woman was okay. Yet he did have to admit, he could understand where Steve was coming from. The two of them had sacrificed so much, too much, and despite the limited amount of time Bucky had spent with his best friend since coming back from Madrid, he could see the changes in Steve already, he truly did love her in his own messed up way. 

‘I want to at least see her then. You said you had to make sure she’s safe so I assume you have cameras set up in her room.’ Steve nodded, thankful that Bucky was still talking to him, that he seemed to be coming around to the idea. He pulled out his phone, opening the security app and took a quick glance, his heart settling as he saw you were completely covered by the white sheets. At least he wouldn’t have to explain why you weren’t wearing any clothes.

Bucky’s eyes squinted as he stared at the phone, swiping through the different camera angles as he tried to find one that gave him a good enough view of your face. Although there was a screen separating the two of you, Bucky could read you like a book. He saw the conflicting emotions as they played across your face, the subdued excitement, the heavy guilt, the immense worry. He wasn’t entirely sure what it all meant but you seemed healthy enough, at least what he could see of you and he knew that despite the punishments Steve would be treating you well and the room seemed to be fully decked out with anything you could need. He nodded slowly, passing the phone back to Steve. 

‘So you’ve had her since Madrid? That was what, three weeks ago? Has she seen any sunlight since then?’ 

Yet another surge of guilt flooded Steve as he ran a hand through his hair. ‘No. I had plans yesterday, I wanted to take her for a picnic but then she tried to escape and I couldn’t really reward her after that.’

‘Steve c’mon man. You know better than this. Three weeks without having even seen the sun? The least you could do is unseal the windows. They’re unshatterable so it’s not like she’ll be able to escape through them.’ 

‘They were unsealed. How do you think she tried to escape yesterday? She threw one of the chairs against it. I need to replace it now, it’s in tatters from the force of being thrown against a window multiple times.’ 

Bucky’s lips were pursed as he considered what Steve was saying. He understood - despite still slightly disagreeing with the method used - that if Steve really wanted this to work certain things had to be done. ‘Fine, but the windows come unsealed tonight. Say it’s a reward for behaving so well today while you were gone or whatever and she better feel the sunlight before the week is up. It can’t be healthy for her going so long without it.’ 

A small smile crossed Steve’s face as he heard Bucky’s recommendations. He wasn’t berating him for being a monster or for all the awful things he had done. He was helping him, guiding him. 

‘I’m gonna head back to HQ, I need to run some errands before I head back to Wakanda.’ The smile fell from Steve’s face.

‘What do you mean before you head back to Wakanda?’ He saw the hesitation in Bucky’s face as he considered his words. 

‘Well, if you had been listening to the briefing yesterday, you would know that I wasn’t feeling so well in Sokovia, some new memories and nightmares came. I think I’m going to head back to Wakanda and see is Shuri can help me any more than she already has.’

A deep, inherently selfish part of Steve didn’t want his best friend disappearing again, he felt like he had only just got him back, but he knew that if Bucky were going to continue doing this type of work, he needed to be able to trust his mind one-hundred percent so he nodded. ‘When are you leaving?’

‘I’m not sure, in a couple of days at least. I want to meet your girl before I leave so I guess whenever you feel she’s ready for visitors.’ Steve stood from the table, bringing his best friend in for a hug.

‘I know it’s completely messed up but thanks for understanding. I love her, I really do and I want you to meet her so badly because I know you’ll love her too. She’s good for me Buck, she’s so good for me.’

‘I don’t doubt that Stevie, but I meant what I said about the sunshine thing, you need to take care of her. I know it’s hard because she’s misbehaving but you can;t screw it up. You don’t want to push her too far and not have her come back to you.’

Steve nodded solemnly as he followed Bucky back through the hallway, towards the front door, watching from the doorstep as he got into his car and drove away.

Only when the car completely disappeared from view could Steve finally let out the breath that he had been holding in. 

+

You hadn’t moved from your position on the bed, your fingers still playing with the white satin as you stared at the door, waiting to see what would happen. Without the sun shining in through your windows, you had no way of telling how much time had passed since Steve had disappeared upstairs, no way of telling what would happen when he came back down, if he came back down. 

You tried to busy yourself by retreating to your happy place, a place you spent a lot of time the past few weeks but it wasn’t quite doing it for you today. On a normal day it would just be you, sitting alone in a library, or lying in a  field in the sun reading some book, yet today there was always a presence with you. Not necessarily Steve, yet he was warm and muscular and he held you as you read aloud to him. 

You tried to get your mind to shut up, to stop thinking about that man, it wasn’t healthy, yet when you weren’t in your happy place with the men who wasn’t-Steve, you were worrying about him, about what was taking so long. 

When the familiar click of the lock sung out through the empty room, you couldn’t stop yourself from rushing to the door, ignoring your obvious nakedness. You hated yourself slightly that when you saw it was Steve standing behind the door, seemingly unhurt, you flung your arms around him without thinking. 

You pressed your body against his, craving his heat in the chill of the room, thankful that he had returned to you even though it meant that your rescue clearly wasn’t happening today. You felt his body tense slightly at your touch but eventually, the longer you held onto him for, the calmer he got, wrapping his own arms around you and pulling you impossibly closer. 

‘What happened Stevie? You had me so worried when you left.’ The sound of his nickname falling from your lips did not escape his notice as he stroked your skin, relishing in the feeling of you against him. 

‘It’s fine Sweetheart. It was just a friend coming to visit. He wanted to chat about a few things and when you’re ready for visitors, I really want you to meet him.’ 

When you’re ready for visitors.

His words echoed around in your head, swirling against your temple. You would be able to see other people? Not just Steve? He didn’t just want to keep you trapped down here for all eternity? It felt like too much to hope for, being able to go outside and talk to other people so you tried to push the thoughts down and out of your head. 

Instead you chose to focus on the feel of Steve’s palms running up and down your bare back, burying your face even further into his chest as he held onto you. 

+

Tags will be added in a reblog

XI. The Syndrome 

Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

[sharks833]

Sad Face

Well, my relationship of over a year has come to a very sudden end. I am very saddened by this but to be honest it makes as much sense as the rest of the relationship. We meet here on Tumblr, we became partners for a writing/art event. I had been a reader for this event before and this year I wanted to be a writer. Iv passively been a part of the community around the event for a while now and wanted to try and become active in the community. I enjoy reading and have always wanted to try my hand at writing on the count that I have a very vivid imagination and would like to try and get some of my thoughts down. I thought doing so on Tumblr would be a good idea both because I could give back to a wonderful community and people would be more understanding of my dyslexia which I use editing software to try and correct but sometimes even they don’t understand what I’m trying to spell (which spell check never does). To be honest, I was also looking for a more intimate relationship, but never really expected anything to come from it. I was very fortunate to get a wonderful partner but was too shy to ask them if they were a girl until I accidentally called them him for my big post and quickly edited it (a point that I got a lot of much deserved teasing for once we started dating). We kept talking after the event though and slowly after talking to each other every day we became closer and closer until I asked them if they wanted to start dating. Originally they said no, to which I was surprised and disappointed but understood that they were wary of dating after past experiences which I was made aware of. I thought they deserved a wonderful boyfriend and always hated when people said that and yet were themselves unwilling to be that person, so I offered myself. It wasn't long after that however when they confessed their own love for me and would love to date with an understanding of the things they would be uncomfortable with given their past. I was happy to be able to just talk to them and was more than happy to make any concession that would make them happy. A year passes and it’s both one of the best and worst years of my life.

(This is the complaining paragraph and if anyone reads this feel free to skip)

I quit my awful part-time job and moved out of my apartment I share with a roommate to try and live with my aunt and cousin in DC to try and go to CU in DC or find a job that I don't hate. Unfortunately the week I get there covid hits DC and we have quarantine. After about two months it's very clear things aren't going to work out and I go back home. Sadly my mother passed suddenly a few years ago and my father didn’t waste time finding remarrying, selling our family home, and moving in with her across the state line. At this time my twin brother gets recalled from the peace corps and now we are both in this strange house with this woman that we barely know who retired the moment she married my father much to his dismay. Were both forced to very quickly get any job and I find myself in hell on a tugboat for two months. Living in that hell for two weeks at a time working six hours, sleeping six hours. Once off the boat I get two weeks off and get to try and hide in a room that’s not mine from the monster that is my fathers’ wife. All while studying for the GRE and joining my brother in an online class to learn all the math. After two months I quit that hell much to the horror of my father. I’m quickly forced, and I mean forced as much as one can without putting a weapon against my skin, to work five hours of labor at FedEx throwing boxes in the back of semi-trucks. After another month the monster has had enough and me and my twin are moved into an apartment we didn’t get to choose but still pay everything for. The apartment isn't so bad as I'm away from my father and his wife and me and my twin took the GRE and will now be attending grad school in August through housing and such still need to be acquired.

Through this time though I've had the wonderful experience of being in a loving relationship. Every day I talked to my love and she talked to me. We went on dates and skyped with each other and I honestly loved Them more than I have loved anyone before. I want to fill a page full of all the wonderful things that we did and how happy I truly was at the time but those moments were between us and I like to keep the details of my love life private. My very first relationship was a long-distance one and it was a wonderful six months before it quickly became one-sided. For the next two years that we were dating, I was miserable because I didn't understand that people with more experience in dating get bored of relationships. After that, I never wanted to be in a one-sided relationship again. Sadly that's exactly where I found myself the moment they came home from the end of the semester. I always knew they were close to their family, and didn't and don’t mind being second or third to family, but I wasn't even last on the list. We went from talking every moment of the day to, from waking up to falling asleep, to never at all. I for my part tried to text her and keep a lively conversation, but she was never interested. After a week I figured she needed some time for herself but it became clear after another week if I wasn't talking to her then I'd never hear from her again. I tried to talk to her about this, and every time she apologized and said she felt awful about not talking and she would in the next few days but she never did. I talked about my past relationship with her and how I didn't want to be in another one-sided relationship again, and just as I had made concessions for the sake of our relationship she would too. I didn't think a single hello sent to me in the span of a month would be a deal-breaker to our relationship but here we are.

We first met in September of 2019 and for almost two years I felt like, for the first time in my life, there was somebody that actually cared if I was around. Iv always had a problem with saying no to people and giving more the is proportionate and as a result, always felt used or taken advantage of. I struggle with knowing how much to contribute to any kind of relationship and it has hindered my ability to be in healthy relationships whatever form they take. For the first time in my life though I found someone who gave to me just as much as I gave to them. Unsurprisingly however they admitted to me that they suffer from that same problem and that they never focus on themselves. I don't have too many friends so I'm normally focusing on myself and it was nice to be there for someone else. However, they have a family and others to focus on and as a result, almost never get to focus on themselves. Now that they are home however they would like to focus on themselves and no longer want anything to do with me. I get that though I don’t know why you can’t focus on yourself and still send me a hello, I don't want them to talk to me because they feel pressured to. If they have decided they no longer want me in their life suddenly then all I can do is hope they are able to achieve their goal and move on. I will always love and respect them for the kindness they have shown me.

As a moral philosopher who has studied the nature of virtue, I truly believe this person to be so virtuous as to be one of the greatest people, I have ever met. An observation I came to make shortly after meeting them, and I am very grateful I had their compassion for even a short time. I thought if I could lead them down the path of some philosophical school they would be able to find the answer to the problems they had but I never knew how to do it and now it's too late. My only regret is that I couldn’t help them with the problems more. In the entirety of our relationship from the first meeting to the end we never even got into one argument. Technically we did have somewhat of a fight when she decided to tell me she could no longer be in a relationship with me and work on herself but she ended the relationship the moment she left her dorm, she just forgot to let me know. I am again deeply saddened by this but I always knew in the back of my mind she too would get bored of me and move on. It's been the thread through all my relationships dating back to that first one and I knew it would appear again, I just wish my head had told my heart. I know in every relationship you tell each other you want to spend the rest of your life with the other one but for some reason I really believed it this time, making this loss all the more crushing. I know they won’t read this as I suspect only two people ever will and that for the best, I doubt she is saddened by this whole affair but on the off chance she is I don't want them to feel bad. I have always wanted them to be happy from the start and even know that it's over. That's all I want, it's all I ever wanted truly. Plato says happiness is what happens when all three parts of the soul are doing their work well, each part representing a virtue. I’ve always been good at knowing what to do (desire) and I'm alright at knowing how to do it (reason), but I've always been horrible at doing it (courage). She led me to courage though, both for her and myself. And for those moments when the three came together through her and for her, I can truly say to have been happy. I don’t know if I ever inspired anything in her that led her to happiness but I hope she can find someone that does, and that I can come to know the courage she showed me I had myself.

[ccsthemovie2]

YUE!!!! yue yue yue

LETS SEE IF I CAN TRANSFER MY DRAFT TO ASK ON MOBILE W/O MESSING UP FORMATTING HORRIFICALLY WOOOOOO

YUEEEEE AN ASK AFTER MY OWN HEART <33 this is, again, super long AND YET NOT THE FULL EXTENT OF MY YUE THOUGHTS, PROBABLY??? this is a fave from a decade back or so this runs DEEP. Why I like them:

yue has just been a lifelong fave tbh. a beautiful and serious anime boy???? AND he’s the moon????? superficials aside, i am always really drawn to characters who struggle with being overly loyal to a sense of authority and deal with figuring out they’re allowed to have individual wants and needs. yue is incredibly ride or die and nearly everyone’s like....maybe don’t die actually!!! and yue says [there was a manga cap here of touya asking yue to take care of himself and yue going >:///.....alright]

it is also really funny how he immediately goes from I WILL KILL YOU to extremely protective i-am-your-angel-dad, both to watch, and to see new friends get into ccs and hear the hype about yue and go oh i cant wait to see your favori-AAAHHH HE PUNCHED TWO TEN YEAR OLDS WHATTT.

Why I don’t:

gotta say it, his clear card hit-fakeout was kinda weird, good thing i have rewritten that scene and can just refer to my personal-writing-folder discord server when need be,

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

JUDGEMEEENNNTTTT AND ALSO THE STUCK IN BIG FORMS EP AAAAHHHHH . episodes ive watched a billion times. when i was a kid i liked judgement bc i was like HES SO COOOL AND MEEEAN YESSS DEFEAT SAKURA WITH HER OWN MAGIC GO GO and now im like HE IS CARRYING OUT A USELESS CEREMONY AND FIGHTING A FIGHT HE CANNOT WIN TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE A CHOICE WHEN SAKURA’S BEEN CHOSEN FROM THE START WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and to top it ALL off sakura telling him she wants to be his friend and him not taking her offered hand? OUCHH... ;w; big forms ep is HILLARIOUS bc its soooooo AWKWARD. the awkwardness of being at someone else’s house... trying to talk to your host when the ONLY topics you have in common are “i know a few things about your dead crush” and “my other self is YOUR crush”. sakura telling him that her dad insists love can last through reincarnation and eriol specifically being like “give up on clow because he’s dead” later, and he’s spying on this whole ep so he must be rolling around laughing right then. the fact that neither of these couples is healthy whatsoever but everyone’s working with what they have to try and lessen the awkward, and oh no its worse now. kero picking up on the clowtime pattern of “i have to do all the work around here” but honestly its just that it’s kero’s house and yue’s awkwardly hovering and sakura really really doesnt wanna make her intimidating guest do stuff. WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE BC ITS SUPER AWKWARD. yue then cleaning the entire kitchen while sakura is cleaning off kero. 10/10 episode.

Favorite season/movie:

sakura card arc!

Favorite line:

when he shows up at sakura’s house and and sakura’s like :0 and hes like get used to it.

Favorite outfit:

the one from that pic i have in my about where he has this light blue hair wrap aaahhhh

OTP:

YUEKITOUYAAAAAAAAAAAA. yukito and touya dating happily and then yue a few years later like OH. I ALSO LOVE HIM. yukito being super supportive and happy of it. yue and touya both feeling like “whats an amazing guy like him doing with someone like me...”. yue going in thinking oh i know what love is and touya raising the bar constantly. its good!!

Brotp:

him and yukito!! two people waking up in their situation scared and upset and stuck together, making the most of it as only they can. i think a lot of them both being like “noooo i want YOU to be happy and comfortable” and trying to do little things for the other when each is taking their turn being active. yue making yukito tea and getting him out of bed when he neeeds to wake up but just feels sluggish, yukito buying little moon decorations for the house he thinks yue would like....aaahhh yukito getting glow in the dark star stickers omg...realizing that there’s no one they’d rather share a life with like that. i think yukito’s the sort of person who doesn’t like to appear uncertain and takes his time being sure before communicating, and theres a sense of pride on yue’s part that he’s the only person, often not even touya, who gets to hear yukito put his thoughts together and be that sort of sounding board. yukito “growing up” in a big “often”-empty house i think leads to him talking to the air a lot, and now that’s yue!!

him and sakura, too!! slowly taking her up on her offer of friendship!! there’s an amazing bit soon after judgement where just her asking frantically if he’s okay??? if he’s SURE he’s okay???? after getting hurt protecting her makes him stop and stare....the switch flipped he is her dad now. i want him to feel like he can talk to her, especially about the Before Times, weigh the things he thinks are too heavy for a child against the things he wants to be heard, maybe see her face and be like oh boy i got it wrong sometimes. and also the knowledge that this is a friendship they chose for themselves!! that they were Predicted to mean different things to each other, but it would be something inappropriate and draining and a cruelty to carry out. this is an unpaved road!! if i keep going on and on i will go on all day but HIM AND KERO!!! HIM AND THE CARDS!!!! HIM AND LI, AND TOMOYO, AND oh just let him be surrounded by friends!!!!

Head Canon:

extremely touchy. like the first thing he did when he showed up for judgement was grab sakura’s face and i think thats just how he is. i think nobody in the clowsehold had any awareness of personal space and yue got so steeped in it that he is just like that now. big on affectionate hair ruffles esp with the kids and putting-an-arm-around-people that he’s barely aware of. it makes yukito a little sad to know that he and yue can never really connect like that but if he hugs himself yue will feel it so it works out!!

Unpopular opinion:

(gets up on stage) clowyue!! (half the crowd boos half the crowd cheers) was HORRIBLE (the cheering/booing crowd halves switch confusedly) essentially i really like to think about the wreckage and then healing from the sort of toxic imbalanced ambiguously requited never-labeled faux-relationship feelings-yoyo i imagine it to have been. but that means i need to acknowledge it happened. unfortunately most people who make ship content do so because they like it, and most people who dont make ship content do so because they dislike it. can you believe it?

A wish:

go to therapy please

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

DO NOT SEPARATE THEM

5 words to best describe them:

ok he looks very polite

My nickname for them:

moonboy...

[cassassinated]

I'm not a good partner. I'm barely good as a friend

I'm selfish. I don't know how to maintain a healthy balance of my emotions or my relationships

I dont actually offer my partners anything of value

I trap people in relationships by being so pathetic and needy that people are too afraid of hurting me to leave me

I love way too much and way too easy. I end up hurting people who care about me, if i don't push them away with too much attention first

I wouldn't even be alive writing this if it were up to me

the value that i provide to others is an illusion. I've never been or done anything extraordinary

I'm worse than replaceable, I've never been worth having

nothing about me is real or genuine. I go through life pretending to be what I'm not

I endear myself to people by being unfailingly kind and then I suffocate them by being too much, too often, too needy

the best thing that I could ever do is leave for good

I'm never going to find peace because I can't help but ruin every good thing that ive ever had

loving me is temporary. it only ever lasts until you know me

these are my worst thoughts. in this moment every one of them is true. im not convinced that most of them aren't true all of the time. if I were capable of killing myself, I'd be dead right now. that one is unquestionable. I'm not sure that I won't figure out a way to, soon.

being happy is my worst enemy. the higher the highs go, the lower the lows go to fill their place the instant that they fade.

I don't know how to do this

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[jetsandbennie]

the name situation.

summary: the main problem during your pregnancy is choosing the name - every part of it.

warnings: fluff, slight angst, pregnancy

pairing: ben hardy x joe mazzello x reader

Every month, Joe claimed your stomach was the perfect size. He’d been saying it since you first ran out of the bathroom to your boyfriends and told them you swore there was a bump, at every ultrasound where the fruit size of your baby got larger, at every milestone you passed.

‘It’s the perfect size!’

The sentiment was - admittedly - overused but you appreciated it. It gave you confidence, how both of your boys treated your swollen belly. Joe, complimenting you every day, and Ben, who considered a moment wasted if his hand wasn’t feeling the baby inside of you. When the three of you went to sleep you tended to be in the middle, both of their arms crossed over you so they could feel the swell as they slept. When the baby kicked for the first time, Ben got on his knees and felt it and cried into Joe’s lap.

You loved it all. Loved how they loved it. When you’d found out about the pregnancy you’d worried beyond belief, that they would grow distant from you, perhaps find more comfort in each other as your body changed. But the past nine months had been possibly the best of your relationship, and if you could go back in time and tell your past self not to worry because they’d love you even more while you carried their child, you would in a heartbeat.

Save your past self all of that worry.

In the grand scheme of things the pregnancy had gone perfect. Any confidence issues you’d faced, about your stomach and your boobs and the excess weight the baby was giving you, evaporated any time the boys managed to get it out of you. The boys would wake up at ungodly hours to get you any of the foods the bean craved, and your sex live remained as lively and healthy as it could be in your state.

There were - struggles, admittedly, but the majority were tiny. Like the few hate comments you’d get on their posts about you - on one particular occasion, Joe posted a picture of his palm over your stomach and you’d received a particularly nasty comment that involved the word whore, and in your overly hormonal state it had made you cry. Comments in a relationship like yours weren’t unheard of but they did suck, especially during pregnancy. But the boys had comforted you, replied brutally to the comment, and worshipped you until you could barely remember what the comment said.

Some problems were a bit bigger, like the decision to even announce it on social media in the first place, which Ben, surprisingly, had been vehemently against. But in the end you’d decided - fans deserved to know, and when the baby came it would be worse to just announce it then. So the announcement posts went up, and the response was largely positive. Another big one was the name situation, which had stretched for a significantly large portion of your pregnancy.

“I don’t understand how we haven’t found a single good name!” Ben complained one evening, as the three of you sat on the couch in the living room, flipping through baby name books, some forgotten movie playing on the television. You’d been there for nearly an hour, “They all just don’t seem right.”

“I know,” you mused softly, running your finger down the list of unique unisex baby names in one of the books Joe had bought from the book store in, what he called, a baby frenzy. Included in the frenzy was a bag of toys, clothes, and numerous baby help books. You had read them all. “At this point, it’ll pop out and we’ll have to call it unnamed. And it’ll be unnamed for its entire life, and it’ll hate us.”

Joe cringed to himself, scrolling through his phone, head in Ben’s lap. “Don’t call our baby it! She’s a she!”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m telling you, Joe, I don’t think it’s a girl. Mother’s instinct is always right.”

“Doesn’t father’s instinct exist?”

“No!” you and Ben chided in, and Joe grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ben shut the book he’d been flipping through and leaned forward to set it on the coffee table, running his newly occupied fingers through Joe’s hair. The ginger smiled slightly, meeting Ben’s eyes and giving him a grin. “Wouldn’t it be easier to pick a name if we knew the gender?” questioned Ben, narrowing his eyes at you.

You furrowed your brows, leaning into Ben’s side. “How? We can’t find names when we’re looking for both genders, let alone if we had to narrow it down.”

“I’m just say - “

Joe interrupted the blonde, “You were outnumbered, Benny. Two against one. You never stood a chance. Now shut up and watch Marley and Me.”

Ben shifted to wrap an arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him. He stuck his bottom lip out, just a bit, but he couldn’t stop the small smile from spreading across his face. It always happened involuntarily when Joe affectionately referred to him as Benny. “It’s is such a sad movie, baby. Why do you like it?”

“Because it’s good! Now shut up!”

And the three of you fell into silence again, though you continued to flip through your book, eyes trailing through the K section. All of the bloody names felt either too modern or too old, too long or too short. Seeing as you didn’t know the gender you reckoned a unisex name would be better but none of them jumped out at you. Imagining calling the bean some of those names - you couldn’t fathom it.

Eventually you rested the book on the cushion beside you, still open to the pages of L names. You tugged a blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped yourself into it, leaning fully into Ben. Your hand joined his, running through Joe’s fluffy, ginger hair - he loved getting his hair played with and you and Ben were all too happy to provide.

“What about Marley?”

Joe’s voice was quiet with the suggestion, and you contemplated it briefly.

“You want to name our baby after a dog?” Ben questioned, fingers coming to a halt in his hair. “No.”

“Wait, wait. It could be cute.” You paused. “But what if people ask where we got the name from and we have to tell them we got it from Marley and Me? That’s embarrassing for us and the baby.”

“We can say we got it from somewhere else,” said Joe. “Like Bob Marley or something.”

Ben laughed and then said, “That doesn’t change the fact that we actually got it from Marley and Me.”

“We’ll put it in our back pockets.” You promised, and then glanced at Ben with a grin. Joe was a goof, the look said. It was one you practiced often, since before you even added Joe into the equation, when he was just your oddly close friend. But now - well.

You didn’t talk for another couple of minutes - your mind was half on the movie and half on the name discussion. Marley wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t perfect and you needed the name to be perfect. You weren’t carrying the baby for nine months to give them a mediocre name. And after nearly six months of sitting on various different names, none of them working, you felt like hope was nearly totally gone.

After nearly a half hour of just watching the movie - tears welling up in your eyes repeatedly, and you kept having to wipe your cheeks with your sleeve - Joe spoke up again. “Well - what about Marla? If it’s a girl - which it will be - and for a boy - ”

“Joe.” Ben stated without hesitating, and Joe looked up at him with a smile. “Joseph IV. I mean, it has to be. It’s only right. We need another Joe in our lives, anyway.” And the three of you shared a small laugh.

You smiled, moving your hand from Joe’s hair to his cheek, and leaning up to kiss Ben’s cheek. A grin slowly spread across your face, your heart swelling.

“I love it. I love both of them.”

And - once that portion of the name conflict had been resolved there was another one, a more serious one, as you neared the 38 week point. Your stomach swelled beyond belief, you decorated the baby’s room (well, more accurately Ben and Joe did but you sat on the rocking chair in the corner and watched as they put together the crib) and you packed a hospital bag for when the exact moment came.

You, Ben and Joe had been lying in bed after a long bath - one that had lasted until the water ran cold and the bubbles had nearly gone - clean and giggly and heavy lidded. You were resting on your back, a pillow beneath you for the pains you’d acquired during pregnancy. It seemed like every muscle in your body was aching, no matter what, but none worse than your back. Thus, the pillow, constantly beneath you whenever you were lying on your back. Joe had his face buried in your shoulder, Ben thrown half over his body. Ben’s hand sat at the top of your stomach, yours over his, the baby stirring ever so slightly inside you. As you gotten closer to your due date the baby became more and more restless, always finding time to move and kick.

“Sweetheart.” Joe murmured, and you weren’t exactly sure to whom he was speaking to but you didn’t reckon it really mattered. “What is the last name going to be?”

You paused, but before you could answer Ben said, “I thought it would be Hardy-Mazzello, you know? What else?”

“Rather long.” the ginger mused, his cheek pressed against your shoulder.

“Maybe, but we need to get both of your names in there.” You paused and then smiled. “Yours is what makes it long, Mr. Mazzello. You know that, right?”

Joe brought his arm up and pinched your arm, and you giggled. There was another beat of silence before Ben said, “Why d’you bring it up again? We’ve talked about it before.”

Joe said, “I don’t know. Don’t you think it should be just one of our names?”

“No.” came your immediate response, harsher and blunter than you’d intended. You softened your voice. “No,” you repeated. “I don’t want the baby to have only one of your last names. You’re both it’s dads. So it’ll have both of your last names. It doesn’t have to be complicated.”

Ben rested his chin against Joe’s chest, his brows furrowed as he stared at his boyfriend’s face. “Joe - “

“Doesn’t it have to be complicated, though? There’s three of us.” Joe’s words were making you frown a bit more every syllable. “Technically, only one of us can be the dad, and - “

“Joe.” Ben’s voice was quiet. Shaky. “We’re both the dads. You know that. The baby - it’s both of ours.”

“It’s Hardy-Mazzello - it has to be. Why don’t you want that?” You brought your hand to rest on Joe’s cheek, blinking in the darkness. Whatever happy mood you’d felt earlier had nearly evaporated with the turn in conversation - it was odd.

“I don’t know.” You could tell Joe wasn’t being completely honest so you waited until he elaborated. “I’m just nervous. That it’ll confuse her to have two of us. And what if she gets more attached to Ben and I’m left behind?”

“That’ll never happen, Joe.” Ben told him firmly - you’d meant to respond but when you opened your mouth you felt an odd sort of pain in your stomach and you inhaled sharply, but neither of the boys noticed. “It’ll love you. Baby Hardy-Mazzello are going to love you when they meet you. We’ll be a perfect family.”

You pushed yourself into a sitting position, and Ben’s hand fell off your stomach. “Um - I think - the baby. I think it’s coming.”

After nine hours of labor, Marla Hardy-Mazzello was born, screaming and crying violently, but it was the greatest noise you’d ever heard. Joe dropped his head into your shoulder and sobbed and Ben followed the doctors around, cutting the umbilical cord with shaky hands and watching them clean her up. When Dr. Nash placed her in your arms, bundled in a pink blanket, you didn’t think you’d ever felt such bliss. Ben clambered into the bed behind you, sitting on the pillows so you were in between his legs. The doctors left and it was the four of you, your boyfriends and your daughter, your beautiful wonderful daughter.

“I - “ Joe’s voice was shaking, and he brought his arm up to wipe the tear tracks off his face. “I told you she was a girl. I told you. F-father’s instinct, right?”

You didn’t respond, just stroked your thumb down your little angel’s cheek and listened to her soft breaths as she slept. Joe stood and sat on the bed next to you, reaching over to grab Ben’s hand. Ben leaned forward and pulled the blanket slightly off her face, so you could all see her features.

“Your eyes, I think.” Ben said quietly, and when you looked up at him his eyes were on Joe, not you. You smiled slightly.

“I think they look more like yours, actually,” came Joe’s response, and then there was another pause before he said, “Your chin, sweetheart.” And you knew that was directed at you, because her chin did, admittedly, look awfully similar to yours.

“Do you want to hold her?” you posed the question to either man, and though you could practically feel Ben rippling in excitement beside you at the thought of holding his baby girl, Joe reached out first, taking your baby in his arms and cradling her gently. And you looked up at Ben, and he smiled, and you knew it was important for Joe to hold her.

(You’d have so much time, all of you.)

You leaned back against Ben’s chest, feeling his fingers combing through your locks as the pair of you admired Joe and Marla, the way he rocked her, one finger against her face. He looked like he was born to be a father, like this was the ultimate place he was supposed to be. Sitting on a cramped hospital bed with his boyfriend and girlfriend, cradling her gently.

“She’s so pretty,” Joe whispered, and you watched a tear go down his cheek again and Ben reached over to wipe it off. “She looks so much like you. Your nose, your chin.”

You nodded. “Looks like you, too.” Then you glanced up at Ben, who was staring, near entranced, at Joe and Marla. “You, too. Like a mix of the three of us.”

“Our daughter.” Ben said, and his voice was soft yet firm and as Joe glanced up at him, he repeated it. “Our amazing daughter.”

Joe nodded, turning so Ben and you could look at Marla’s face - eyes open slightly, fist clenched. She was beautiful, eyes dark brown, a spattering of soft hair on her head. You were absolutely exhausted, body sore and eyes heavy, after hours and hours of going through labour, but God, it was all worth it. You would do it a million times over for this moment - Ben loosely wrapped his arms around you.

“I’m sorry,” Joe began, but you brought his finger up to his lips.

“Not now. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Ben’s fingers in your hair stopped as you continued speaking. “Marla Hardy-Mazzello. Right?”

Joe grinned, leaning down to press a feather-light kiss to Marla’s nose. “Right.”

[foxyotomelady]

Another love, Chapter V (JuminxReader)

Author’s notes:

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I know you've all been waiting for it.

Be aware of: strong language, slightly angst, my poor grammar, and yes yes yes, yandere Jumin  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III | Chapter IV | Chapter V (You are here) | Chapter VI | Chapter VII | Chapter VIII | Chapter IX | Chapter X | Chapter XI | Chapter XII | Chapter XIII | Chapter XIV |

Buy Me A Ko-Fi Have a nice reading!

Jumin informed the security chief about Elizabeth's disappearance and now some of the security guards were looking for her all over the building. He also called to Jaehee asked her to contact the media - information about the award for finding Elizabeth was to appear immediately.

You were sitting silently on the sofa, embracing your knees with your arms and feeling like an idiot. Jumin looked at you, he had such a strange expression... Empty and at the same time full of relief? Slowly and without a word, he sat next to you.  "It's my fault," You said unemotionally. "She had to escape when you threw Yuwoon out the door, she had to be scared by this whole show." "It's nobody's fault," Jumin said calmly. "Actually, I'm glad she escaped."

Extremely surprised, you took a look at his composed face, "Why?"

Jumin caught his breath, "Her presence reminded me of what happened to V and Rika all the time. She reminded me of my biggest mistakes. You see, I got her from Rika, and it was V who gave her a name... For a long time, I thought that she could see and understand all my strangling threads... But for several reasons, I understood that it was not true. That I only came up with it to deal with my loneliness. Similarly, I once thought about Rika. I thought she understood me. But it also turned out to be a lie. She hid her true face, manipulated V, Yoosung and me. "Did you... have feelings for Rika?" You asked and your heart jumped. Did you feel jealous? It was so strange. "I'm not sure, I never even made an effort to think about it, maybe because she was with V anyway. Or maybe because I was already subconsciously aware that something was wrong with her. Maybe, whatever I felt for her it was also a delusion. It is completely different with you. Unlike Rika, you are honest and straightforward. I feel that you truly understand me. And even though I knew you were with Yuwoon... "Jumin leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and covering his eyes with his hand. You touched his arm, didn't dare to do more, didn’t want to make a mistake again. "I couldn't stop thinking about you, I told myself that I just wanted to be a friend, which was another lie of course. When you first mentioned Yuwoon, I felt uneasy, I didn't understand why. But now I think I already felt something for you back then. You started to rule over my heart just a few days after you become a part of RFA." "I... I'm sorry, Jumin, I didn't notice, I think Saeran was right, I am dense." He raised his head and looked at you, his eyes sharp, "He says such things about you? Let me talk to him and he'll immediately stop." You didn’t stop the quiet "aww" that escaped your mouth and didn't refrain from kissing Jumin on his forehead, "You're charming, but I can deal with him myself." Jumin, still serious, looked straight into your eyes, "I must confess to you about something, it's selfish, but when you told me that Yuwoon cheated on you, I felt happy. Of course, I didn't like your suffering, but it struck me that after that, I finally have at least a chance..." "Jumin..." 

"Every time you talked about him, I felt a rage stronger than ever before."

"I didn't know... You always wished us happiness, when I told everyone that Yuwoon and I were together, you were the first to congratulate us."

"Because I really cared about your happiness... But I couldn't bear that you want to achieve it with him... In fact, when you declared that you're together, I felt that my world is collapsing." God... You felt so stupid. How long did it last? How long did he suffer because of you? Were you really too blind to notice? Or was Jumin so good at pretending?  "I have no idea what to say..." "You don’t have to say anything, you never owed me anything, I still have no right to demand anything from you... I must apologize again for locking you up here that day. It was a desire stronger than me. " "I forgive you, but give me some time, Jumin, I have to sort out my own feelings."

The next day

[Y/N has entered the chat room]

You: You are here, guys! 

You: Have you heard what happened? 

707: 

707: My poor Elly ~

707: How did she escape ?!

Yoosung: T-T

Yoosung: I feel sorry for Jumin

Yoosung: he must be woried T-T

707: Zen

707: Aren't u going to say something?

707: Aren't u worry about our sweet lady?!

707: 

Zen: first of all, it's not a lady

Zen: second, I'm silent because I don't want to talk about this cat, but I'm also a bit worried

Zen: this jerk must be out of his mind rn

You: I feel responsible for it...

Yoosung: Why? 

You: Yuwoon came to Jumin's apartment yesterday 

Yoosung: 

707: 

Zen: 

You: We had a fight 

You: There was a lot of chaos

You: she had to escape then...

You: I have to do something!

You: I have spoken to Jaehee, she prepared flyers with a photo of Elizabeth 

You: I already have a full package of them here with me

You: Do you want to help me with spreading them? 

707: 

707: I’d like to help

707: but I have to work

707: I have so much work

707: T.T

Yoosung: sorry T-T

Yoosung: I failed my lastest exam

Yoosung:

Yoosung: so I must study

Yoosung: until holidays are over

You: .…

You: Zen?

Zen: ..…

You: You're my last hope T-T

You: pretty pleeeaaaaseeee ^^

Zen: sigh... I can't refuse when you ask so nicely

Zen: I'll overcome my allergy for you!

Zen: 

You: thank you!

Jumin's POV 

There has not been any information about Elizabeth so far. He should be worried. He should be panicking. But he was calm. So what if she disappeared? He was not alone anymore... No, no, no... He should not think like that. Y/N still did not promise him any kind of relationship. And Elizabeth was just a cat who still needed his care.

He straightened up in his chair and pushed aside the report he was reading. God, it was so hard to concentrate on work. Y/N promised that she would not leave him, that he could trust her. But he still felt anxious when she was not near him when she was not under his control.

I have to trust her, He kept thinking in his head. Only so we can build a healthy relationship... Maybe I should talk to her for a moment. Maybe then I will calm down.

He decided to look for her at the messenger. Now, when she had holidays and didn't have to study, she often logged in.

[Jumin Han has entered the chat room]

Jumin Han: Y/N? Are you here?

Jaehee Kang: Sir, you know you can see who is logged in?

Jumin Han: I keep forgetting that

Jaehee Kang:

Jumin Han: so she's not here

Jumin Han: then I have no reason to be here as well

Jumin Han: By the way, are you slacking off, Assistant Kang?

Jaehee Kang: .... ;;;;

Jaehee Kang: NO.

[707 has entered the chat room]

707: lololololol

707: 

707: have you seen this?

Jaehee Kang: ?

Jumin Han: see what?

Seven inserted a link heading to an article. Jumin opened it with little interest, expecting something stupid. But then pain squeezed his heart as soon as he saw two pictures and a big caption.

BREAKING NEWS! Well-known actor Hyun Ryu has an affair?! Who is the girl he's dating?!

The photos under the caption were something that he never wanted to see. 

She. 

With him. 

With Zen.

In one picture they were sitting at a table, facing each other. Zen had his hands clasped under his chin and he was smiling flirtatiously at Y/N. In the second picture, Zen was embracing her tightly, and she barely restrained her smile. Both photos were apparently taken from hiding - probably by some clever paparazzi.

707: lolololol 

Jaehee Kang: It isn’t funny, Seven. 

Jaehee Kang: and it's certainly a misunderstanding. 

707: Brother was right 

707: Zen is so into her

Jaehee Kang: 

He had to trust her.

It was a misunderstanding.

She betrayed my trust.

Jaehee Kang: I'm worried, it can affect Zen's image badly

Jaehee Kang:

It must have been a misunderstanding.

She promised.

She wants to leave me.

707: lolololol

707: You're a true fan Jaehee

He had to trust her.

She’ll leave me.

707: Juju, why so silent?

Jumin Han: Assistant Kang.

Jumin Han: Come here at once.

Jaehee Kang: Is something the matter?

Jumin Han: NOW.

[Jumin Han has left the chat room]

His hands were shaking with anger as he dialed the security chief's number. He tapped his fingers on the desk and clenched his eyelids, waiting for him to pick up the phone.

"Yes, Mr. Han?"

FINALLY.

"Inform Yoon that he can't let Ms. Y/N out of my apartment. Under any circumstances."

"Mr. Han, I'm sorry to tell you this, but Ms. Y/N has left your apartment some time ago."

"What?" His fingers tightened on the phone.

"Has something happened? Should we look for her?"

"No."

He hung up. His head throbbed. His lungs tightened in pain. He put down the phone in fear that he would crush it in his hand. And just as Jaehee entered his office, he slammed his fist down on the desk. His assistant froze in place, pale.

"S-Sir? What is happening?"

He rose from his desk more abruptly than he intended. He did not control himself, his movements, gestures, words, thoughts, "Assistant Kang, do you happen to know where Y/N is?"

"I-I spoken with her today, she wanted me to make flyers about Elizabeth’s missing for her."

Jumin felt that he would soon burst. But he did not feel hot. It was freezing in his guts. His voice was also icy. Nevertheless, his tie was stifling him. He loosened it, "And where did she go with these flyers?"

Jeahee looked at him terrified, "She didn't tell me to where exactly-"

"Assistant Kang," He saw that she was lying. She was so bad at it. "Where is Y/N?"

"Mr. Han, please tell me what is happening."

"Jeahee," Her eyes widened when he used her name, but his voice was not warm, just the opposite. "Tell me where she is or I will fire you."

Jaehee swallowed. Now her face was no longer pale. It was gray, maybe even green. She must have been sick with nerves.

"She was supposed to go to the cafe she likes to visit. I'll send exact coordinates to you in a moment, sir."

"Good," He took the phone from his desk and hurried to leave the office. "I'm leaving."

"But the meetings-"

"Cancel them all."

Your POV

Zen sneezed loudly, wiped his nose, and whined in anger. You chuckled, looking at his tormented face. He was really devoting himself now.

You have already distributed most of the flyers. Many people were passing by this cafe. Unfortunately, no one has seen Elizabeth. Now you've decided to take a break. You were both sitting on the bench in front of the building.

"Just don’t look at the photo, Zen," You suggested with amusement.

"I keep thinking about this stupid cat and you have her fur on your clothes - that's enough to make me sneeze," He complained and pushed the rest of the flyers as far away from him as possible, "What a terrible fate to be at the side of a beautiful woman in such state. You're missing the opportunity to admire my true beauty."

You rolled your eyes, "Do you ever stop flirting?"

"Huh?" Zen blinked, then made a sad face. "What do you think of me, that I flirt with everyone?"

"Exactly my point."

"Have you ever saw me flirt with Jaehee?"

"No, but I'm sure it's because you respect her as your faithful fan," You smiled under your breath.

"This is partly true, but most importantly, I only flirt with those who caught my eye."

You looked at Zen slowly, not sure if he was still kidding. You wanted to say something, but then, on the street in front of the cafe, a familiar limousine stopped. When you saw Jumin get off the car, not even waiting for the driver to open the door for him, you felt cold. Something was wrong.

"Jumin?" You got up from the bench and Zen immediately did the same.

"Why is this jerk here?" The white-haired man was not happy.

Jumin approached you two stiff and fast. His eyes... His gaze pierced you like a dagger. You've already seen this flash in his eyes some time ago. But not so intense. Something was definitely wrong.

"Ah, so you were here with him?" He asked in a vacant, strange voice.

Zen snorted, "You have a problem with that, dude?"

Jumin gave him a sharp look, "I wasn’t asking you."

"Jumin, we just-"

He did not let you finish - suddenly he grabbed you by the hand, squeezed hard, and you dropped all the flyers that you've been holding up to now. Passers-by were peeking at you three anxiously, whispering.

"We're going home," Jumin pulled you to himself abruptly.

"The hell, man!" It was Zen, nervous, furious. "Your apartment is not even her home yet! And what do you think you're doing, being so harsh to her?!"

Jumin tightened your hand even more. You felt that his fingers were shaking. He took one step toward Zen, and he must have a terrifying look now, for the white-haired man stepped back.

"Mind your own business, Zen," Jumin said in the coldest voice you ever heard from him.

Zen shook his head as if to wake up from the shock. He opened his mouth, but before he spoke, you cut him off, "That's okay, Zen. I'll be fine. Nothing bad is happening. I'll go with Jumin."

"Finally, a rational decision," Jumin did not look at you, he turned on his heel and pulled you toward the car. You looked at Zen once again, gesturing with your free hand, showing him not to intervene because you saw that he was barely holding back.

When you finally found yourself in the back of the limousine with Jumin, you felt your heart was hammering. You did not dare look at him, and he did not say a word.

Looking at your feet, you hardly made a sound, "Jum-"

"We'll talk when we're home."