#ive personally gone back and forth on this myself

[dragon-reblogs-and-rambles]

since I've seen some polls goin around for Gavv predictions here's one

feel free to add nuance in the tags

[cartoonghosts]

Google what does an autistic shutdown look like.......

[artificialbreezy]

hi! long time so see!! how are you all? i feel like there’s some stuff we should chat about, don’t you?

let’s start with the elephant in the room, where did i go? well truth be told, i logged out and when i went to come back it was gone!

i was actively going through my blog and revamping everything. that was 100% what i was doing. i wasn’t hiding from anyone, i wasn’t hiding bad behavior. i was rebranding my blog.

now, let’s jump into the drama filled bullshit my name seems to be floating in right now.

i was in a discord group, ran by another blog where she posted updates on her wip’s and so on and so forth. well, there was a good group in there. i liked most of the people (i’ll get into that soon!). so a group of us, said fuck it we ball, and all bought tickets to rockville.

we all decided to spilt an airbnb. no biggie right. Gabi paid for it. I’ll be honest, she put it on her credit card (as far as i am aware, that is what she had told us.) and we’d pay her when we could. payments in chunks, or the whole lump sum.

i hadn’t paid yet. at that point, i had family discussing going also, so i informed the whole group chat that, and if he had chosen to go, i wouldn’t stay at the bnb. (cause id rather stay with family. someone who knew me, i knew them ya know?) no biggie, there were other girls who very easily could take my spot in that airbnb.

which is what kinda happened, i moved. i pulled out, i sold my ticket. no one seemed to be mad.

let me say this, i paid for my ticket in whole. my own money.

so, i have no proof, however from word of mouth, screenshots of a group chat i was in were shared.

tldr, i was talking shit. with 2 friends, who were also talking shit, about some of the girls we were gonna be going with.

which yeah, be upset. i understand. your feelings are valid, especially in that.

let’s remember, they were talking shit too. and it’s very clear on their current blogs, they still are btw.

which leads me into my next point.

1) i don’t send anyone hate, ive never sent them hate. quite honestly i wish them all the well in the world and i hope they have a fabulous time at these festivals. i feel like i should add, my other blog where i do post my wip’s are blocked from a handful of accounts. they have me blocked, i have them blocked. every blog i have (which this makes 2) @as-above-so-below1000 knows about and sees.

2) i don’t and have never stolen anything i’ve written. you can ask @as-above-so-below1000 who has seen my google docs! and i don’t appreciate that kinda rumor being spread, no one wants to hear that kinda rumor. no one. and if there was anyone who ever had an issue with what i posted, please reach out. let’s chat it out.

3) i’ve never sent myself anon hate, i feel like that should be self explanatory but unfortunately that’s a narrative going around.

4) if my blog wasn’t a safe space for you, i’m sorry. i never wanted that to happen. and if there was ever a time you felt my actions were not acceptable, i take full accountability because sometimes i did get heated and upset and post before thinking.

5) i will not ever apologize for calling out the bad behavior i had prior. i stand by the fact writing SA, not tagging it, blocking the person who kindly said this isn’t okay, and then never saying anything is wrong.

it’s middle of April guys, i left in January. it’s time to let things go. truthfully i am ready to let things be done. it is what it is. i want things to be done, this will be all im saying.

however i cant sit back and see my name on things i have no doing in.

i am not coming back, quite honestly these space feels very unsafe and kinda toxic and especially now. but please know, i never meant to leave. i wasn’t running away, there’s been so many of my old mutuals and followers who have found me and still interact and for you all, thank you.

-breezy 🫶🏻

[sparatus]

1, 6, 12 and 23 for the salty asks!

salty asks

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

sorry lads i just can't get into talibrations (or shalibrations, on the same vein). talibrations feels very pair-the-spares and "a guy and a girl can't just be friends" to me, and no you can't point at citadel dlc as proof of it when it released a good ways after the main game and bioware had already gotten to hear fan reaction to it. and then adding shepard to the mix just. idk dude i just can't see it. neither garrus nor tali feels like the type to be down for poly to me (and tbf most of the fic i see for it writes neither one very ic but especially not garrus. he would not talk like that.) and it just ends up feeling shoehorned

6. Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

okay tbh ive gone back and forth on both shenko and shakarian due to the fans, i started out generally enjoying both, fans being nucking futs made me hate them, found some mutuals and friends who are sane abt them and made me like them again, then went into a big fandom server and oh BOY that was a mistake. swung around to liking them again tho (left the server and listened to my Good Taste Mutuals. never join fandom servers lads) so we're doing okay on that front i think, even if i still prefer to put garrus with other characters.

on a different fandom note tho over in transformers land fandom won me over on starscream/wheeljack. wheeljack is the only person in post-war cybertron who's actually fucking nice to starscream and genuinely wants to work with him and help him succeed and make things better and pull him out of the cycle of abuse megatron and later windblade were putting him through. and starscream himself says wheeljack is different and he can actually be honest and himself with him. i was prying myself out of [REDACTED] at the time and also camping on starscream/metalhawk rarepair hill so i was kinda Ah, No abt starjack and fandom managed to talk me around. tho i think many of them should also perhaps consider the very big brain move of starscream/wheeljack/metalhawk just hear me out okay--

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

mmm i know leviathan dlc isn't popular for both "ruining" the mystery of the reapers and i think also the gameplay, but i really enjoy it for exactly those reasons, i really like what the leviathans add and i thought the atmosphere was really well done plus actually getting to investigate and follow clues and not just "go here shoot this" felt like what spectre work is supposed to be

also frankly i know the virmire survivor not following you in me2 is suuuuper unpopular among the type of fans who are active in large fandom servers (and especially among a specific brand of mshenko shipper, usually 40+yo women who brag about only making gay men ocs and are very yaoi brained despite thinking they're too good and woke to use the word yaoi) but it makes sense and it's a good reality check for shepard. shepard needs MORE people to tell them "dude what the fuck is wrong with you, no i absolutely won't help you" for working with cerberus actually

23. Unpopular character you love?

i suspect my brand gives me away here so pivoting away from the obvious, [gently tucks sparky and des into bed with a lil kiss]

honestly i actually. really enjoy balak. yes yes genocidal maniac yes he's evil and i enjoy fucking up his day but i dont like him in a "he did nothing wrong he deserves to live and join shepard uwu" kinda way, i like him for the alternate perspective on the batarians he presents, i like what he has to say and how he's kind of the only one putting forward the other side of the alliance-hegemony argument. yes he's doing it by pointing an asteroid at a planet and hitting it with a bat but that's bioware

like he makes a really solid fucking argument, we otherwise NEVER hear anything from the batarian perspective, it's all from the alliance's perspective and how meeeaaaan the hegemony are for attacking them for noooo reaaasoooon. when then you look at the galaxy map and oh the alliance is literally setting up shop not just on the hegemony's front lawn but practically inside the damn house. the batarians were already living in a lot of the space the alliance is trying to claim! they do have a right to defend their colonies! yes they do war crimes but so does the alliance, neither side is wholly innocent and pure (tho yes the guys who do slavery are definitely More Guilty) despite literally every other aspect of the narrative telling us the alliance are just innocent little babies who've never hurt anybody and everyone's so mean to them

unfortunately this perspective IS given to us by a genocidal maniac launching an asteroid at a large colony so we're primed to dismiss everything he says, and what he tells shepard is never discussed again or examined in any real way. because the original trilogy is ultimately still military propaganda and a power fantasy. and also every time i say "the batarians have a right to be upset actually" i get accused of supporting human trafficking and shit (not joking). so y'know. anyway balak does makes some points 2k25

[noxxuniverse]

hello, i hope you’re doing well! i love your account and i wanted to ask you something if you didn’t mind.

so i don’t want to go into detail because i dont want to accidentally trauma dump, but basically i don’t really like my dad much. mostly for a bunch of stuff from my childhood and just the way he acts towards me and my mom.

now, i know i can manifest that he’s a good person or he doesn’t act like how he does now, but im finding it very hard to want him in my life. like, i really just want to revise that he was never in it and my mom is happier without him.

i know that this is something i can manifest because you can manifest anything. i mean, ive currently been manifesting my desired life using the list method (still working on it but not focusing on time and persisting has really been helping me lately).

but i suppose what im asking is, would i be a bad person for doing this? i’ve gone back and forth about doing this so many times because sometimes he’ll do something that’ll make me feel guilty about it, but then he’ll turn around and do something that’ll reaffirm to me of why i don’t like him. idk, i know it’s all based on assumption.. but it’s really hard to imagine myself liking him anymore.

i’m sorry if this still came off trauma-dumpy, it was my first time asking someone about it and i didn’t know how to word it. hopefully this isn’t too much lol. thank you in advance 🩷

First things first, don't worry I don't judge here for anything unless it's something like SERIOUSLY bad lmaoao

Secondly, remember it doesn't matter what I or other people think. It's your reality and your reality will always be neutral. So no, you aren't a bad person for wanting something. You can do whatever you want, get what you want and don't let anyone stand in your way.

You've got this!

[harv3st-m00n]

(boss crush anon) thanks :D i'll start with context, im 28 and hes 48..funnily enough i had a dream recently where i was back in high school and he was my teacher LOL, thought that was relevant. ive had this crush for a few months now and have been writing about every little interaction i have with him. one of your posts that rly spoke to me was "i want to mean something to him", bc girl no joke ive written that exact sentiment about him before. every time i talk to him feels special, i get a legit high thinking about seeing him every day. hes so painfully handsome and nice to me, sometimes when he sees me his whole face just lights up and he gives me this HUGE smile. hes also the only person i work with who calls me by a shortened version of my name <3 one of my other coworkers even noticed that he did that and i was like 0///0 yeah he has a nickname for me so what?

there was an after-work happy hour that i went to once, i brought a friend and asked her to watch how he acted around me bc he can be hard for me to read sometimes, i cant see his behavior objectively when i have so much wishful thinking going on lol. she told me later that when we walked in, he made a beeline straight for me right away, and seemed sorta shy when talking to me. she asked how i was doing at my job (i was new at the time) and he said something like "shes awesome! every day that shes here is a great day!" and my face mustve been beet red..he kept showing up in our conversations with other people and standing near me, something ive noticed he does a lot in group situations. just recently, we had an premiere with lots of people and since i was on the clock i was standing by myself in the back of the room, watching in case someone needed anything. fr he comes over and stands RIGHT next to me. there was no one else around that area, he chose to stand right beside me while we watched the premiere.

he was out of the office for a whole week once (work related reasons) and i angsted so hard..not seeing him on weekends is bad enough but this was like 10 days and i was going feral. we followed each other on instagram after that happy hour and during that week he was gone he randomly liked one of my posts late at night. i have to wonder if he was missing me too..the next day he came by my work area to ask "whats new?", like he just wanted to catch up after being away which i thought was sweet. yesterday he was teasing me about hiding some of our work halloween decorations in my car to scare me (cute lol), today he was showing me how to tape a package with a confusing tape dispenser and our hands brushed multiple times while handing the tape back and forth, and god only knows whatll happen tomorrow!!

hes so wonderful and i rly want to know more about him, i want to be around him constantly and any time i get with him is instant dopamine. hes intoxicating and i feel selfish wishing he'd break a million rules for me (boss/employee relations, 20 year age gap, and yeah you guessed it hes also married) but i just cant help myself......im not planning on making a move bc i love my job too much to risk getting fired for that, but if HE did you know id reciprocate in an instant. but im glad to just know him even if things remain the same as they are forever, as much as i wish theyd escalate. THANK YOU for letting me get this all out of my system, theres even more i could say but this is long enough lol. have an amazing day, G <333333333

This was very enjoyable to read thank you! The way you both are seems sooo cute! I’m so glad you can relate to me <33 I so get you, and everything you’re feeling yk. It’s hard being obsessed with middle aged men who deep down you know you can’t have😭 but also there’s no other feeling like it and it’s kinda the best! Any time you need to rant about him I’d love to hear!💕

[willywonker3000]

inadequate human contact is so disorienting

it makes existing just feel so strange

and i dont feel like myself, the one i created with my own hands

this doesnt feel like the world ive lived in my whole life

and i suddenly can fathom how exhausting it is to just exist

like a rift between myself and myself

like a schism in my chest

a rupture in what i had spent my whole life building

from the ground up

a single moment forced to use words outside of the personalities i had fleeced from people around me

or being blind to my audience and switching identity incessantly

only pulled back to reality by a stable, constant identity

strings of self from different spools, messily woven together, coming undone without warning

and the needle gone

lost in the haystack, perhaps?

currents pulling me back and forth perforce as i grasp for the storms eye that is a friend

and the eye of the storm always returns

but for how long?

how long must i watch through steel glass as others have companions to keep

until hell freezes over?

is that why my heart burns and erupts in flames

jealous

yearning

pining

hungry for someone who will stay

and keep my threads tightly knit when i begin to unravel?

[femmeloverboy]

whats your favorite part about being bi-gay. ive gone my whole life going back and forth between bi and gay and im thinking of just saying im both but i am nervous about people who are hateful toward that label

Honestly I might not be the best person to ask abt this, bcuz I don't super strongly identify as a bi gay (anymore), I mainly just use bisexual + achillean! But I do identify with gay manhood still, in ways, although I am attracted to all genders! I have a VERY strong connection to achilleanism and gayness/queerness for men, and it's part of my identity/attraction I emphasise a lot. And bi gay is still a label I kinda fw in regards to myself :P

Honestly, I have never personally faced much backlash for identifying as a bisexual + gay man, maybe its bcuz of the internet spaces I'm in, the ppl I surround myself with, and bcuz I have never had big accounts or thrown myself into super public discourse conversations abt these labels. I feel like increasingly, ppl don't rlly give a shit anymore, unless ur on an annoying part of Twitter or TikTok. The bi lesbian label gets a lot more hate bcuz of lesbian separatism and radfeminism, nobody rlly cares That Much abt bi gays bcuz there isn't such a HUGE divide between bi & gay men, there was never a separatism movement or anything. I rlly doubt you'd get harassment or lots of hatefulness, there might be a few odd ppl but idk. The key is rlly to stop caring abt ppls negative opinions on YOUR identity & to be more confident abt identifying in the labels that speak to you, which might be easier said than done, but u can certainly block ppl who r dicks !!!!

My fav part.... ummm. Just doing whatever I want, I guess. And being able to say Yh I'm a gay man kinda if I want 2 be. And honestly? Mogai flags and stuff LOLLLLL .. those r part of my special interest. BUT AGAIN... not the best person to ask bcuz I honestly am just bisexual first & foremost ngl 😭😭 . The bi gay label didn't benefit me massively or anything bcuz, bisexual is just What I Am and what speaks to me the most, bcuz I am attracted to all genders (and I wouldn't even say I have huge preferences or anything) & I dont rlly feel a need to identify as a gay man as well.

so yah sorry abt that, That I can't give u more insight, BUTTT! I hope u are able to embrace bi gayness if thats what speaks 2 uc bcuz its a cool label and UR ALLOWED TO BE BOTH IF U WANT TO !!!! IF U FEEL SO INCLINED..!! DO WHATEVER U WANT FOREVER.!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! ^_^

[goosehaver]

heyyy havent been on here much lately but im still here. just been trying to get myself together and be productive lol. and also maybe just needed a bit of a break too tbh.

been thinkin abt some things though. under cut bc im gonna ramble. (kinda personal? but nothing too weird i dont think)

ok so. ive been unsure abt being some form of objectum for a long time and i think im finally gonna say that i am? in some weird, specific kinda way. its something ive kinda gone back and forth on for years, but i think it's time to accept this as a part of me.

not the first mini identity crisis ive had and probably not the last. the good thing is that i'm in a place now where i can work through these things without the shame and self loathing i used to struggle with. idk how or when i managed to break out of that, but i'm glad i did.

[iameternal]

k

Recently or last year I got the chance to finally get to know one of old coworkers. I had spent a lot of the prior months just sitting there and constantly thinking about how cool I thought they were. I was happy to get to know someone completely new. Back then I knew I had a crush on them but I had always kept it to myself and also I told my friends about her but never that I had actually really liked her. Thinking about the countless nights that we had worked together I never really though much of that crush I had on her to be honest. I would always say things admiring her and how we had already established that her and I thought very similarly to my friends but I would never really do anything, I kinda let her mediate and talk about whatever she wished to talk about. This was basically april 2023 up to january, seeing eachother a lot and always working together. You would think the close proximity was why I grew to like her but I think there was a genuine connection between the two of us and I will always try my best to not sell that idea short. But anyways I had gone to japan for around 2 weeks at the start of 2024. Leading up to that trip I had always brought it up to her and how I excited was for that trip, also spent a little bit of time rubbing the fact in her face for fun just because I thought it would be funny and it was >:). But thats not important, when I had gotten back from that trip there was news floating around that her boyfriend had broekn up with. her. When I heard that I could not help to be happy for myself, but of course I kept that reaction to myself and instead kind of jumped in headfirst into a friendship. I believe people should always be helped and supported when going through hard times, and I know how hard your first heartbreak can feel. After hearing this new I had actually gotten her souvenirs from Japan, just little stuff I thought she might like. But after I gave that to her at work she had texted me later something along the lines of "Hey ive been going through a hard time, it would be nice to have new friends to talk to :)" I dont think another person has made my heart race the way it did 3 years prior to me receiving that text. I had instantly responded saying "okay" but I was going through all of the possibilities from this opportunity. After texting back and forth about the gifts I gave her we decided that we would meet at a coffee shop. I was so happy about it. Leading up to the day i was telling my friends about the situation and how happy I was to be going out with her that day. Now the actual hangout is pretty questionable LOL. It wasn't BAD but it was going to take some getting used to. After that monday though(we decided to hangout on a monday) I would see her almost every monday of every month until may. And in that short time span I would grow to really like this girl. I dont base my crushes on real compatability rather just physical attraction. But throughout those 4-5 months I had really really grown to like her. At first I spent a lot of my time staying in the mindset that it was nothing more than a friendship because of the circumstances that came from this opportunity. I think it both kept me safe but also kept me away from doing anything more than friend things. There was I say 3 big events. 1 of these events was actually her 21st birthday. She invited me and some of her friends to go out and drink on her birthday at the bars. Theres she dressed up in lolita clothing and I was completely in love with it. Watching someone dress how they want rather than how other people expect you to dress is so cool and I have always found that act so cool. But that night we were drunk and obviously things got kinda weird I guess but not really. She started crying relentlessly and I found it really interesting that she chose me to cling on out of everyone at that table. To all of those other people I was just seen as the guy that was really like her and thats basically all her friends knew me as. One of her friends even bought me a drink which was really nice.

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

Some Days...

This one sat in my drafts for years somehow....it just goes to show how I have grown and healed as this is where I sat for so long....

Sometimes it feels like my soul is a black hole...that even with all of the love I feel and am surrounded by sometimes is over cast by the darkness that looms in the back of my very being...it feels like a black fire lying beneath my blood under the veins of red that carry the life and love I have its hiding underneath waiting to be released into my bloodstream to over take my system and turn it black...it starts slow like a drip a small cut into the fabric of my life just enough to let that blackness leak slowing into my being and slowly it fills my body and mind and soul...until I wake up one day and all I see is darkness no matter how brightly the sun floods my room and wakes me with warmth on my face I open my eyes and feel the anger, the hatred, the worthlessness...the emptiness and it consumes me...days like this it takes everything in me to get out of bed...and most days I regret getting up...I would rather just sleep if I must be alive...sleeping through the pain is the easiest way of dealing with it though I know that it really isnt dealing with it...it just pushes it down and still remains...sometimes I can sleep and it will be gone by the time I wake up but often it still is there in some form...a headache, stomach ache...physical pain or lack of energy...some times I just cry...and cry until I physically can not cry any more...some times I distract myself by focusing on another persons issues....try to trick myself in to thinking i am actually useful...that I have purpose...that I am not a complete waste of time and space...it works sometimes...other times my mind just floods with all the reasons I shouldn't be here...all the lives I would have not damaged with just my actions, words and presence. How even now I dont  really make a difference...I have failed so much in life...I failed at being a daughter...I am a disappointment in the eyes of those that really matter to me I let them down...hurt them. Pushed them away i still keep my distance to help make it easier to not remind myself of how much I have failed them...I failed at so many friendships. Relationships...who am I trying to fool that I could possibly be happy now...that in some twisted world I could deserve happiness...I’ve found it...but I must be stupid to think that I actually deserve this that I am worthy of such a great love...even if I dont deserve it I want it so badly and I will keep pushing for it even if I am wrong...another trait I suppose and that's my selfishness...I’ve failed at being a mother...though I really feel like it saved me...but at what cost...I’ve brought 3 children into this world...with two people that dont even care for them...that treated me like garbage and now dont even make an effort. I set them up for failure by not being more careful...i’ve passed down my issues of depression and god knows what else to them...how is that right or fair to do...they never asked to be here.I’ve gotten to this point hell lets call it mid life....im surprised ive even made it this far...each and every day surprises me more and more that im still here...and some days are better some days i feel like i will make a difference that i am a good mother daughter friend and girlfriend...but some days...a lot of days...Im no different that shit...i’ve got to get better at life...i cant keep going back and forth...its not fair to those who care about me...why in the hell they make that mistake who knows but they have and i cant keep putting them or myself through this...I’ve got to figure it out and keep on going some how...

[alpsss]

i was last here a year ago. a YEAR

an entire friggin year has gone by. is this any indication of the future?! like is it just gonna jump year after year, completely and uncontrollably fleeting. GROWING PAINS

i wanted to come in here and reflect how i feel about MOTHERHOOD, being a PARENT, now that i've got a good number of years in and i feel like i can actually comment rightfully.

it's so hard, but it's so rewarding

there's something about building your own tribe, these little human-imps you created, they reflect yourself back at you, they're charming little silly things with a wealth of ideas and rich inner worlds, i LOVE that they can express now and do so marvellously. i LOVE connecting with them and now we have back and forths, like they can tell matt im checking out shoes and bags online, and they can ask me 'did you also use to do this when you were a kid', its like having buds 4 lyfe that came from your dna, so naturally you're gonna adore em. and it's so much fun and entertaining, etc, also i love how much i've grown.

levels of empathy, the human connection, motherhood bonds ALL. i love how unifying it is, like the other day we met val and i had so much to say to her. i love how enriching it is as a human experience, kinda like how i loved the wild process of labour. being a parent makes you human in the most visceral way. tests your patience, tests your creativity needing to negotiate, decide which battles to pick to win, the art of convincing, finding new ways to 'win' them over, juggling a million balls at once, OPs, daily battles like brushing teeth hauling their asses to and from school, it's lessons on life everyday and i feel like im learning, growing

i also feel like ive renewed lease of life. i remember pre-kids just slumping on the couch vegging out in front of tv. now i barely watch anything. i am able to dance, run around, carry both, walk everywhere, nothing is too 'tough' for me, i love how strong my body is, i am STILL breastfeeding, i love how i am more unfazed when it comes to difficult and trying times, i love how having kids puts into perspectively instantly what matters in life the most. i love how i feeeel more, your heart is more tender, you realise the fragility of life, you are SO AWARE that life is so short. it's. bittersweet but i love how i am so deathly aware that this could all end. my time with my kids is finite. our time on earth is finite

i find myself 'crying out to God more, saying let's pray, now that the kids r well adjusted in sunday school they also pray 'God protect zhorzhor, thank God for best friend', its so pure and encouraging, i find that being a mother has also made me more spiritually connected because so much is out of your control and i find it freeing to let go and let God. EVERYTHING is from Him.

matt shouts more and now we morph into each other but we are mostly exxhausted but this week without my mom has been so. gratifying. i want to say my relationship with my mom is at its worse, but who's to say this is final? it's just not great, i dont want to go into details, i just dont particularly appreciate the disrespect, the overstepping of boundaries, the toxic malignant narcissism, the bullshit ive to take on the daily. currently i am tired but nothing beats MENTAL FREEDOM and operating on your own effing terms.

never say never. and never say you wont change. now i'd rather come home and chill out than spend hours in a mall. i thought i'd never online shop but now its fun. never say you wont do something cos it totally will bite you in the ass. do we need a car? club med bintan was certainly one highlight of the year. i love my little family and i love me and matt being able to parent as we so fit.

i love my two girls, they're wise beyond their years they have so much spunk personality and originality they're so one-of-a-kind. together they're manic elves plotting against us but they're also so individually sweet i love when they give hugs show affection exercise kindness, they just LIVIN out their truth and also being unbridled untainted by the world. true creativity. i cant believe their my people for life.

anyway this year has been interesting but mostly watching them develop with each passing day as fully formed humans, so much changes it's hard to keep track! im so grateful each day for being an artist and making a living from what i love and do best, but also im grateful that i get to be a MOM.

[untitledvents]

religious bullshit and hate Sep 18 2024

I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE FUCKING SAYS I AM A BAD, BAD FUCKING PERSON. I AM A HORRIBKE PERSON, AND NO ONE LIKES ME, AND NO ONE SHOULD.

I WISH I HAD A FUCKING MOOD DISORDER WITH EXTREME FUCKING SYMPTOMS SO THAT EVERYINE COULD SEE HOW FUCKING INSANE I AM AND LEAVE ME

EVERYTHING has just gone D9WN FUCKING HILL since surgery and its ALL MY FAULT

and its my FAULT BECAUSE IM A BAD FUCKING PERSON

I DONT CAAAAAARE I DONT CARE ABOHT ANYONE I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE THAT I PRETEND TO LOVE

and thE ONLY THJNG I FEEL FOR HIM IS PURE FUCKING OBSESSION. I HOPE HE REALIZES HOW FUCKING INSANE I AM AND LEAVES ME AND NEVER EVEN THINKS OF ME AGAIN WHILE I FINALLY WORK UP THE COURAGE TO DO SOME PROPER DAMAGE ON MYSELF SO THAT MY WHOLE FAMILY CAN SEE HOW GODDAMN INSANE I AM AND THROW ME IN A GODDAMNED ASYLUM.

I DONT WANNA BE ALIVE BUT NOOOO I HAVE TO BE BECAUSE SOME DUMBASSES WILL GET SAD AND WHEN THEY GET SAID THEY FUCKING KILL THEMSELVES AND SO ON AND SO FORTH AND EVERYONE FUCKING DIES BECAUSE IM DEAD AND NOW ILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM ALL AS GHOSTS.

I AM A GOD RUNNING A CULT I NEVER STARTED AND THESE IDIOTS WILL ALL DO WHATEVER I FUCKING SAY BECAUSE THEY SEE ME AS A RIGHEOUS GOD WHO CAN DO NO WRONG

BUT I AM STRAIGHT UP NOT A GOOD PERSON. MY LIFE IS SLOWLY SPIRALING DOWN BECAUSE OF MY OWN FAULTS AND I'M THE ONE REFUSING TO OWN UP TO IT

YOUD THINK BEING SELF AWARE WOULD MAKE ME WANNA FIX IT BUT NO I JUST HATE MYSEKF MORE

AND ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT IS FUCKING STUPID IT IS SO STUPID HOW I FEEL THIS WAY IM GONNA LOOK BACK AT ALL OF THIS SHIT THATS MY OWN FAUL AND THING 'GOD SHE'S FUCKING ANNOYING' BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN TRANS I JUST SAY THAT BECAUSE BEING A GIRL IS THE FUCKING WORST AND I HATE WOMEN AND I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING A WOMAN BECAUSE EVERYONE SAYS IM A WOMAN SO THEREFORE I AM ONE

MY ROOM IS A FUCKING MESS AND THRRES NO ONE TO BLAME BUT ME. IM A HATEFUK LITTLE BITCH AND THATS ALL MY PROBLEM. I WANT EVERYONE TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND PITY ME AND WATCH ME LIKE A FUCKED UP DRUNKEN ZOO ANIMAL JUST REPEATEDLY BASHING NY HEAD INTO A WALL WHILE EVERYONE LOOKS AT ME FEELING NOTHING BUT PITY

I DONT RESPECT ANYTHING. NOT RELIGION, NOT THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY, NOT THE PEOPLE IM SUPPOSED TO LOVE, NOT THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, NOT MYSELF, NOT NATURE, NOT THE FAKE GODS THAT WANNA BE SOOO FCPUCKING SPECIAL AND HAVE A FOLLOWING

BECAUSE I AM A GOD AND I HATE IT. I CONTROL PEOPLE'S LIVES WHILE THEY LIVE ON WITHOUT ME AND I HATE IT.

I WISH MY BODY WAS MORE SUITED TO CONTROL EVERYONE SO I COULD FIX EVERYONE TO STOP BEING SO GODDAMNED FUCKING STUPID AND BE PERFECT FOR ME. PERFECT FOR HIM.

I WANT AND NEED THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD FOR HIM BECAUSE THE ONLY FUCKING SAVING GRACE IN THIS BULLSHIT IS THEM MAN I HATE MORE THEN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD

I NEED HIM TO SEE HOW IVE FIXED THIS WORLD SO THAT HE CAN HATE HIMSELF AT MY PERFECTION

AND I KNOW ALL HE'LL FUCKING DO IS SUPPORT ME BECAUSE HE IS A BLIND, IDIOTIC FUCKING FOLLOWER. AND I WANT HIM TO BE MY FOLLOWER, AND I WANT HIM TO BE THE ONLY ONE FUCKING FOLLOWING ME. I CAN REWRITE THE WORLD SO THAT ONLY HE AND I ARE THE ONES IN IT, AND NOBODY ELSE FUCKING MATTERS. GOT IT?????

[dragamea]

so after some deep reflection i’ve decided to go by my birth name online which I previously haven’t at all (for those who don’t know, I recently figured out I am not a trans guy after years of deep conflict surrounding the issue) but I think this will be good for me and I just wanted to update on it since I didn’t think it would be a good idea to just randomly change my names across all platforms with no explanation on what exactly this name is to me 

[agent-starbuck]

You know it's bad when you witness a person just not even reaching out anymore for help. For love. For friendship. For... anything.

When a person removes themselves from almost everything and everyone, it's because they are at their lowest point. They don't even feel worthy enough to "bother" anyone with their existence.

I think there are multiple incidents that have to occur, over several years, to permit a person to reach this extreme, but just know that even the smallest text/comment/interaction (physical or not) is them really putting themselves out there. It may not seem like much. But to a person who has been through hell and back with complicated familial and/or romantic relationships, it takes such bravery to even just communicate with others.

[spyroz]

the thing is ive been connected to dragons since i was born (literally since i was like 5-6 and discovered what dragons were), it doesn't matter whether you call it kin or a gender thing or a sona, they all describe the exact same feeling of "oh yeah im dragon" to me

also yes i know im a human and i love being a person and i am a functioning adult. i just Also identify with dragons. I think itd be cool to be a were-dragon cuz if dragons were real i would want to be able to turn back and forth between human and various dragon forms

i stopped calling myself dragonkin when i was 18 bc i was scared it was cringe, but that feeling never went away, i just started using "less cringe" words to describe it. but ive identified strongly with dragons for my entire life and it hasn't gone away, so like yeah i guess im dragonkin and always have been. im not hurting anyone so who cares. cringe is dead and authenticity will rule the earth