#lasting emotional trauma in the span of less than one hour how can he know better’

[ironhusband]

Thinking about Erik snapping at Charles with “well maybe you should have fought harder for them” and the pain in his eyes when Charles told him they didn’t want the same things.

[shelby-love]

JAY HALSTEAD

The Freeing Bliss of Adrenaline

Requested: yes

Prompts: none

Warning(s): angsty, happy ending

Author's note: Haven't written for Jay in a while! This will be the last one shot of the year. I've been working on imagines the entire day. Now I'll take some time off since New Year is in less than a hour! p.s. I just added some more spice to Jay’s fight! How’d you like it?

Happy New Near!!!!!

Note: It's important that you guys read my newest Hank Voight one shot to not be confused further into this one. Click here!

~

"Relax babe I'll be fine," You smiled impishly at Jay and leaned against your newest child. The large two-wheeled beauty was the highlight of your day.

But Jay eyed your Yamaha r6 skeptically. He saw a fair number of criminals die from crashing motorcycles less intimidating than the one behind you. He trusted you to be careful, but it didn't help him sleep at night any better than he did before. The damned matte black motorcycle was the cause of his nightmares.

"Just," He sighed. "Be careful."

You chuckled in adoration and kissed him. The two of you were aesthetically pleasing to see. Especially next to your large motorcycle.

"I'll see you at 7?" He nodded in confirmation and helped you with your helmet.

For effect, he slapped the top of it and didn't leave until you were out of his line of vision.

Jay rolled his eyes when you purred the engine for effect.

***

The motorcycle ride through the tunnel was freeing, especially upon exiting it.

Jay didn't understand how freeing the rides you've had felt. You left your worries behind in the dust whenever you roared the engine. You felt like you could do anything.

Your left hand is working the clutch and the turn signal, your right hand is working the front brake, your right foot is working the rear brake, and your left foot is working the gears up & down. The ride was a physical & emotional pleasure, with a layer of anxiety & adrenaline.

For a moment you wanted to close your eyes. To enjoy the feeling of freedom.

But you snapped out of it, just like every time; Jay's words rung in your mind. Be careful.

You were.

But the car that slammed into you wasn't.

***

The members of firehouse 51 arrived on scene in recod time. People were watching on the side next to their cars; the whole road was blocked with cars.

"I didn't know what to do," The officer on scene told Matt. "The motorcycle's crushing her, but I didn't want to do anything until you guys got here."

"Her?" He asked, surprised to hear it. "It's a good thing you didn't move her." That cop did exactly the right thing by not moving the weight off you until they had facility to adequately treat any injuries.

"She looks experienced," The man  sighed with anxiety, looking as if he aged 20 years in a span of 15 minutes. "The motorcycle's a Yamaha r6. Definitely not a beginner's bike."

The smoke that came from the bike was enough to quicken their pace. "All hands-on deck." Matt announced and proceeded to give out orders.

"Otis get the backboard."

"On it."

The rest of the men appeared around you. Severide at the front. It only took him a glance at your custom-made helmet to know that it was you. "Holy shit..."

"What's wrong Severide?" Cruz asked him.

"That's Y/N."

"Who's she?" The team asked him.

"Jay's girlfriend." Severide whispered. "Hey you!"

The cop turned to him, trauma in his eyes. "Call Intelligence."

"Why? This isn't a crime scene."

"That's Jay Halstead's girlfriend on the ground. Get him here now!"

Back where you were, truck was discussing your situation.

"We need to get this bike off her," Gabby said hurriedly.

"81 watch for the hot pipes," The team was working on getting it off you. "This thing's a beast, got to weight 500 lbs." Matt said.

"Okay easy guys," Sylvie had your helmet in her hands. "Possible spinal injury and head trauma."

"Okay let's get this off," All hands were truly on deck as Casey counted down to three. They took your demolished motorcycle and placed it away from you.

"Jay's gonna freak," Severide commented when his eyes fell on your leg. It was completely crushed. Red with blood and completely split in half.

"We need to get the helmet off of her." Sylvie instructed, changing places.

"Alright Mouch."

It was hard for you to decipher the voices because little did they know...

You were conscious under there.

You barely recognized Severide as he barked out commands left and right.

You felt the strap of your custom-made helmet being cut off. The pain that shot through your leg when they secured it had you wincing to the pint your lip started to bleed.

When they took it off it took several seconds for the light to push through to you. You could barely breathe, let alone move your neck to look at the firefighters credited as your lifesavers. Severide cupped the back of your neck and you could only look at him.

"Kelly..." You murmured, tears gathering in your eyes. The times he and Jay had told you to be careful...

You should have listened.

"Y/N don't move. You're okay," He reassured you but you only widened your eyes. "You've been in an accident."

Tears started to fall. "Kelly..."

"No don't speak," He said quietly.

You coughed, "The...other..."

"The other?" He repeated.

"Collision..."

They were losing you. "Hey! Y/N stay with me! What collision?"

A few meters away, Matt and Boden inspected the road and the remains of your bike. "It's dented. Like someone crashed into her."

Kelly's screams brought them back to reality and Matt ran to get you.

He crouched down, his face hovering over you and blocking the sun. "Y/N did someone else crash into you?"

More tears started to fall. "They fell...off."

Boden looked around until he noticed several aggressive lines from tires scattered around the road.

He stepped closer to the edge and looked.

Until he saw.

"This is Battalion Chief 25," He radioed. "We need another ambulance to our location. This was a vehicle collision. I repeat a vehicle collision!"

***

"She still hasn't woken up," Will told his younger brother. "The injuries she sustained were more dangerous than we thought."

"Will what the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"There were some complications with the surgery," Will tried to reason calmly. "She started hemorrhaging. They got the bleeding under control, but they had to put her in a medically induced coma. Hey! Jay wait- "

The detective stormed outside. The ringing in his head was getting louder and the voices around him became a distant callout.

Two arms stopped him from raging out.

He pushed and pulled but the man before him didn't move.

Kelly didn't move.

"Jay man, you need to stop!"

He didn't stop. Not even when Sharon Goodwill came to break them apart herself. Jay pushed through and disappeared outside, not daring to enter a car because of what had happened to you.

Kelly and Will found him in a bar eventually.

They took him home, watched over his place as he showered the alcohol off. They helped him in bed, even pulled the covers over him like you used to.

Jay's body was warm under the covers, but deep within he was anything but.

He missed your presence in the bed, your body against his in the shower…

Even your jokes during dinner.

It wasn't the same without you. He wasn't the same.

But no one understood him.

Only you did.

But you were in a coma. Unreachable.

He hugged your pillow on which traces of your perfume still lingered and cried like a baby.

***

The man rushed at Jay, his fist pulled back by a mile to punch him. Jay ducked but the man growled and started swinging punches at him. It came to a point of giving up for the man. Jay was ducking, backing up, sliding to the side; doing all the things needed to slip right through his fingers. He moved quickly, confident in his abilities.

Jay sidestepped before thrusting his fist against the man's face, reeling the man back so he staggered on his feet. A stray of blood fell out of his mouth, but not even that was stopping Jay from doing more damage.

Whatever force had him possessed, it wasn't letting go.

Jay slammed his fist into the man's face like the impact didn't bother him at all. The man smashed into a wall, fell to his knees, and clutched his face and trembled as his head fell forward. Jay placed a foot on the back of his head and slammed his face on the ground without thinking twice. The man groaned but didn't give up.

He twisted his body under the pressure of Jay's boot and grabbed his ankle.

It really didn't take long before Jay had him completely pinned to the ground again. He started throwing punches to his face until there was nothing but blood coating his hands.

He broke his nose, knocked out his teeth and broke his jaw.

Maybe even more.

He couldn't take a better look because he was taken away.

"What the hell is your problem Halstead!?" His sergeant barked.

"He deserved it." Jay mumbled. It really was his only excuse.

"If you're not fit to work," Voight neared his face to Jay's. "I'll take you off the case."

"You can't."

Hank only shook his head, "I can, and I will. Listen… You're a good kid Halstead and I'm sorry for what happened to Y/N but that's not an excuse for what you just did, and you know it."

"Get yourself together." Was the last thing Hank told him before he disappeared.

His girlfriend and the newest member of Intelligence took pity and came to his side. "She's going to be fine, Jay."

"You don't know that" Jay mumbled.

She only smiled sadly, "I've been there."

"You ride motorcycles?"

She shook her head with a roll of her eyes, "No. I was shot while working for the FBI. Hostage situation. I was one of them. A part of the reason why I joined special operations but that's a story for another day."

She leaned against the car with him, "As I was saying... I was badly injured, Jay. The doctors had to put me in a medically induced coma too."

"How'd you get through it?" He asked. She shone in a completely different light to him now.

"The people that mean the most to me were by my side. For me it was family that helped me push through and fight," she sighed, her hands twined together. "You're her anchor Jay. And if you're not being strong for her... Who will she lean onto? Who will help her push through and fight?"

"Doctors believe hearing stories in parents' and siblings' voices exercises the parts of the brain responsible for long-term memories." She recalled what was once told to her.

 "Hey detective! Sergeant Voight is asking for you," A police officer yelled a couple yards away. Voight's girlfriend smiled and Jay could swear that he could see blush taint her cheeks. Jay and you won 20 bucks a few months back thanks to her and her blush.

"Be what your sergeant is to me."

Jay nodded smiling.

Before she was out of his line of vision she turned back and yelled to him, "Maybe take a shower too! I heard that helps!"

He rolled his eyes at her.

***

When he sat at your hospital bed, he didn't know what to say. Every word mattered to him. It's been weeks since the last time you opened your eyes.

And in those weeks a lot of things happened to him.

He hoped that now, after all that had happened, he was good enough of an anchor for you to hold onto.

He grabbed your small hand in his bigger one and kissed the back of it. You looked peaceful. Not your usual bubbly self; the version of yourself that lived for adrenaline and everything life had to offer.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you," He started, brushing a stray strand of hair from your face. "I didn't know what to do…"

"I had your bike fixed," He informed quietly. "Although I don't think you'll ever want to sit on one again."

He paused. "But then again… You're batshit crazy."

Jay spent a long time talking to you about a million things. He made up for the times he failed to be there with you.

"Detective Halstead?" A nurse had joined him in the room. "Visiting hours are over."

"Oh," Was all he said. "I guess I should get going?"

She smiled sadly.

With a torturous sigh, he leaned down and kissed you. A tiny piece of his heart broke at the lack of response your once warm, now cold lips gave him. "It's not the same without you."

***

Chicago's cold wisps of air hit him without mercy the moment he stepped out. No one really payed him much mind. Occasional glances from girls that were passing by was something he was used to.

He was searching for his car when a figure jumped in front of him.

"Geez Will," Jay sighed. "The hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," He was beaming like a madman.

"Whatever it is you came here to tell me, just say it." He grumbled.

"Y/N labs came back."

Jay stopped in his tracks and turned to face his brother. For the first time in weeks he had hope shining within his irises.

"And?"

"She pulled through. They'll wake her up tomorrow."

Before another word could leave his mouth, Jay hugged him like his life depended on it.

It did in a way.

He broke down at the parking lot in the arms of his brother having gotten the best news ever.

"Let's get you home bro. You'll see Y/N tomorrow."

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MASTERLIST

[ivanabaqero]

Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out. 

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened. 

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

 I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone  resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication. 

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four  breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore. 

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish  for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not. 

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am  back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started. 

[bonjour-rainycity]

The Long Way Around ~ Chapter 2

Link to previous part: https://bonjour-rainycity.tumblr.com/post/622991219538214912/the-long-way-around-ch-1

Pairing: Jasper x Reader

Word count: 2210

Warnings: None

Jasper’s POV

Before we even get close to the house, a high-pitched, agonized screaming makes Esme and I both flinch. She had insisted on coming along, though Carlisle, Edward, and I had all warned against it. Newborns can be feral and deadly, and none of us want Esme to get hurt. But she was adamant, and we all respect her too much to deny her a choice. Personally, I think Esme wants to be there so the girl can have someone less intimidating to interact with. I can’t blame her. If I had to wake up in an unfamiliar place after experiencing trauma and indescribable pain, I would much rather see Esme than me.

We enter Carlisle’s study, the smell of bleach strong. Esme tsks upon seeing the state of the girl’s outfit. The bloodied parts of her dress have been cut away and, I assume, burned. What’s left doesn’t do much to protect the girl’s modesty, but someone had the decency to cover her with a towel. Esme flits away and returns within seconds carrying clean clothes. Wordlessly, Carlisle, Edward, and I exit the room. 

The girl’s screams die into fearful whimpers, likely in response to Esme’s cold, unfamiliar touch.

“She thinks she’s in Hell,” Edward mutters, looking at the floor. “She’s terrified.”

That much I know. I can feel the waves of agony, fear, and horror rolling off of her. It makes me want to flinch away. But instead, I merely clear my throat and try to ignore these emotions. “We’ll need to be careful when she comes to. She might not be willing to listen to reason, and that will be dangerous with her newborn strength.” 

Carlisle and Edward nod. 

When Esme calls us back in we find her sitting in a chair near the girl’s head, stroking her hair. “What’s her name?”

“Y/n, Y/l/n, according to the license we found on her,” Carlisle responds, adjusting the morphine levels in the drip. Based on the girl’s--Y/n’s--screams, I doubt it’s doing much, if anything. 

Edward nods almost imperceptibly, confirming my suspicions. Of course we would never tell Carlisle. It would break his heart. As it is, I can feel his intense self-loathing. I do what I can to ease it. 

Y/n briefly opens her eyes to see who is touching her, and I can see, as well as feel, her fear. When she gives into the pain and closes her eyes once more, I move to stand on her other side, opposite Esme, and use my ability to try to calm her down. 

While she’s consumed in whatever hell she’s enduring, I study her. She’s in great distress, obviously, and it pains me to see how young she is. She can’t be more than twenty. Such a short human life. Then again, a rueful voice within me taunts, you had less. Physically, I’m frozen at nineteen, but I feel so much older...Probably because I’m actually a hundred and seventy-six years old. Inwardly, I scoff. If she’s careful, Y/n has a very long life ahead of her. 

We stay like this for many hours. Y/n alternates between writhing and screaming to whimpering pitifully. Her emotions are hard to bear, and I can only guess as to what Edward is experiencing. Esme and I do our best to make her feel better, but with little success. The transformation is a truly terrible process. Eventually, Y/n’s skin becomes too hard for the needles, and Carlisle puts away the drip. A few hours later, Edward perks up. 

“Shouldn’t be long now. The pain is starting to recede from her fingers and toes.” 

‘Shouldn’t be long’ is relative, and it takes four long hours until her heart starts beating frantically in its last effort to survive. 

“Esme, back up,” I advise, knowing that, any minute now, the seemingly harmless girl on the cot could jump up and become a deranged killing machine. 

Esme goes to stand at the back of the room with Carlisle. Edward moves to block the door, and I plant myself directly in front of the cot. Hopefully, if she does become violent, the four of us will be able to catch and subdue her. 

“No sudden movements,” I remind them. “She’s scared enough already and it’s only going to get worse. Once the thirst hits, we’ll be virtually unable to communicate with her until she feeds. It’ll be the only thing on her mind.” My voice is grim, and I can’t help the flashbacks to my many years surrounded by vicious newborns, as well as my own time as one. 

My family stills, a sure sign of stress, as Y/n’s heartrate skyrockets for five tense seconds, and then stops. 

No one breathes. 

Y/n gasps, opens her eyes, and sits up in the span of half a second. I feel her fear, shock, and confusion. 

“What…” She looks around the room, taking us in. When she sees me staring directly at her with my hands clasped tightly behind my back, I feel her fear intensify. It’s a natural reaction to both my intimidating stance and the scars covering my body, and I wish it didn’t bother me so much. 

“Where am I?” Her voice is breathy, eyes wild. I send waves of calm her way. 

Carlisle takes a slow step forward, his palms open in a show of harmlessness. “I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen. This is my wife, Esme, and two of my sons, Edward and Jasper.” He nods at each of us. 

“You’re very safe here, Y/n,” Esme reassures. 

I can tell it does little to ease Y/n’s suspicions, but it was kind of Esme to try anyway. 

Carlisle’s voice is calm and soothing when he continues. “You are at our home, which is about fifteen miles outside of the main town. Your friends brought you here three days ago. Do you remember that?”

“I…” Recognition dawns on Y/n’s face. “I was stabbed. But I was dying, I…” She gulps, a new bout of fear consuming her. “Am I in Hell?”

“No,” Carlisle says firmly. “I’m sorry for the pain. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to enter this new life.” 

Her confusion deepens. “New life, meaning…” She trails off in a question. 

“You’re a vampire,” Edward states simply. 

It’s then that she decides to bolt. 

Edward is on her in a millisecond, having heard the warning from her thoughts. 

“Edward, no!” I lunge forward, trying to all at once keep Y/n from escaping and Edward from getting hurt. 

But it’s too late. The new vampire has already given into her instincts and bitten Edward, hard, in an effort to get him to release her. 

He does, of course. Vampire venom hurts like a bitch. 

Edward howls and falls to the floor; Esme is at his side in an instant. Carlisle quickly guards the door, while I work to force the crazed newborn into the corner of the room. She snaps and throws her arms around, but I easily dodge her predictable movements. 

“Listen to me.” My voice is harsh, commanding, just like it had been all those years ago. But what can I do? It’s the only way they’ll listen. 

Y/n’s eyes dart wildly around the room. I hit her with every ounce of calm and lethargy I’ve got. Thankfully, she soon becomes much more subdued. 

I continue. “We don’t want to hurt you, but if you attack us again you’ll leave us no choice.” I let her mind fill in the blanks of what we’ll do if she does try to attack. Of course we wouldn’t actually hurt her, but she doesn’t need to know that. A little dose of fear will be useful in controlling her. 

“You say I’m a vampire.” Her voice shakes slightly, but she stands tall, defiant, almost. She’s trying to project confidence. I know her true emotions, so I know her exterior is a facade, but I have to admire the effort. She looks at me then, straight in the eye. “Is that why my throat burns? Why I’m so thirsty?” She spits the word out, and I can feel her desperation and dread. She so badly wants to be wrong. I honestly think she would feel better if we laughed at her and said no, we were just playing, that we had actually kidnapped and drugged her instead. 

But of course, we can’t say that. This is her new reality. So my voice is even and honest when I respond. “Yes. You’ll need to hunt soon.” 

Carlisle appears at my left shoulder. “Our coven is different from others. We feed only on animal blood.”

At the mention of blood, her emotions change. Suddenly, she becomes ravenous and hyper-focused. She sinks to the ground and claws at her throat. 

None of us are shocked. Esme, Edward, and Carlisle all went through this process with each other and with Rosalie and Emmett. I went through it with the myriad of newborns I helped train. But still, it’s unnerving to see how one can go from human-like to animalistic, the true predator coming out in a split second.

Having recovered, Edward joins me on my right side. I can feel his annoyance, but that won’t fade until the sting from the venom does. 

“Jasper’s right, it’s all she can think about right now. She’s starting to wonder if we’re threats standing in the way of her obtaining a meal.” 

I nod, feeling her growing suspicion. “Are there any humans nearby?” 

Edward pauses, then shakes his head. “I can’t hear anyone. I’ll let you know if that changes.” 

I steel myself. “Okay. Esme and Carlisle, you go ahead and wait in the forest. Be close once you pick up our scents, but don’t follow, just try to keep a perimeter. She could easily misinterpret us as a threat and decide to attack.” 

They nod and rush to the woods. 

Y/n is now growing restless, and I can feel her indecision. 

Edward looks at her, his gaze hard. “Patience. We’re doing this to help you, so calm down.” 

Y/n lets out a light snarl, showing her displeasure. 

She’s not going to understand that, I think at Edward. She won’t be able to listen to reason until she feeds. 

His annoyance grows, but he doesn’t push Y/n further. 

Once I’m satisfied that Carlisle and Esme have a good head start, I decide it’s time to go. “Come with us, we’ll take you somewhere with blood.” 

Y/n’s emotions flare with excitement and anticipation at my promise. 

Stay at her side but don’t get in front of or behind her unless it’s necessary. She could interpret that as a challenge. Once Edward nods, we take off. 

Y/n obediently stays between me and Edward, knowing we’ll take her to where she can satisfy her thirst. If you promise a newborn blood, you can get them to do anything, I think ruefully. I feel Edward’s sympathy for me, and I shake off my past. Right now, we have a job to do. 

Not two miles into the forest, we catch the scent of deer. Edward and I hang back, letting Y/n’s instincts guide her from here on out. 

She’s messy, but swift. Within minutes, all ten deer are drained. 

I feel Y/n’s dissatisfaction, and hold back a chuckle. Even without tasting human blood, it’s easy to be disappointed by the animal blood. Thinking of drinking from a human again stirs up temptation within me, and I crush it down. My self-control now is much better than in the past, but I’ll always remember the taste of human blood, and that makes it hard to enjoy the eternity facing me of drinking only from animals. I idly wonder if Y/n will choose to stay with us or go her own way, and if she does leave, will she continue drinking animal blood or switch to humans? But now isn’t the time to think about that. We still have to keep a close eye on the situation in front of us.

“Better,” I ask, approaching Y/n slowly. 

She purses her lips, still crouched on the ground. “Sort of.” 

Edward smiles in understanding. “You’ll get more used to it in time. It takes a lot of practice, but you can do it. We’ll be here to help you as long as you need.” 

Esme and Carlisle’s scents reach us, and Y/n crouches, a growl rising in her throat. I do my best to calm her. 

“Don’t worry, it’s just Carlisle and Esme, whom you met earlier. They won’t try to take any food from you.” 

Placated by both my words and ability, Y/n straightens, but a residual amount of suspicion remains. 

“I expect you have a lot of questions.” Carlisle’s voice is steady as he addresses Y/n from a few hundred yards away. “Come back with us to the house, we will answer them all.” 

With a sad-sounding sigh, Y/n nods. I feel for her. She’s got a long, hard road ahead. 

And so do you, a voice reminds me. I hold back a groan, knowing the next few years are going to be tough for us all.

A/n Hello, thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think and if you would like to be added to the tag list!

xx

Bjr

Link to next part: https://bonjour-rainycity.tumblr.com/post/623116614605357056/the-long-way-around-chapter-3

Tag list: @puer-de-infinitate @charliestuff @hindustani-diaspora

[kaleidescope-writes]

Faithfully Yours–Chapter 5: Heartbeat

In partnership with @accio-boys​

Billionaire!Tom Hiddleston x Doctor!Reader

Slow Burn! (Yay)

Warnings: Language, argument, taste of fluff, Cliffhanger(permanent warning), Dangerous act (Please don’t swerve when driving!) Mention of illness

Masterlist

“Dr. Knight, you’re needed in the Trauma Center,” a voice in the PA system spoke. You made your way to the call room, exhausted after two consecutive bypass surgeries. The first was a third time bypass that took about four hours. The one that followed immediately after was a first time bypass that took a bit longer, about six hours. You were incredibly tired, having a thirteen hour work day and still being on call. Your feet were begging for a break and your mind couldn’t think straight. Opening the door, you stepped into the call room and made your way over to one of the beds. Sighing heavily, you let your weight drop onto the bed. Closing your eyes for a moment, you took in a few steady breaths as you relaxed. 

You took out your phone, sending Tom a quick text that read “Had a long day, punching out at 8pm. See u then. Don’t run anyone over.” Locking it, you set it down to your side on the bed and closed your eyes again. You began to slip into a peaceful sleep, letting yourself rest for an hour before going to check your post ops and getting ready to go home. Your breaths became steady as you began to fall asleep.

“Y/N!” a voice called out before the door slammed shut, making you jump. You opened your eyes, feeling your heart momentarily stop before beating faster. “We need to talk about your engagement,”  the voice continued, coming closer to you. “What the hell are you doing here, Quentin?” you demanded, pissed that your rest was interrupted. “I need to talk to you,” he repeated, “I asked a nurse where I could find you and they led me to the call room. We need to talk about your engagement, I have some issues with it.” You sighed, sitting up on the bed. “You interrupted my sleep to talk about issues you have about my relationship?” you questioned, “That’s kind of a dick thing to do.” Quentin sat down next to you on the bed, facing you. “I have a few problems with it,” he continued, ignoring your previous statement, “Firstly, you were completely against marrying this guy when the engagement was announced. So what the hell changed within the span of three days?” 

He was right. When the engagement was announced, you made your displeasure with the arrangement very clear. He was right to wonder why the sudden change of heart. “I didn’t know the guy when the wedding was announced,” you confessed, “To make peace with the situation, he started opening up to me and gave me a proper proposal, ring included. He let me into his life and in return, I let him into mine. We’re not madly in love, but we’re already engaged, so we’ll get there. Love takes time.” Quentin laughed, shaking his head as he listened to your explanation.

“You’re too stubborn to agree to this. There’s a catch, isn’t there?” he pressed

“There isn’t a catch, we’ve come to terms with the situation and compromised.”

“You never compromise!”

“First time for everything, I guess.”

“That’s bullshit! You and I both know there’s something going on here. Just tell me!”

You shook your head, giving him a pestered look. “You’re looking too much into this,” you assured, “This is the best we can do in this situation. Besides, he has custody over his niece and she needs a mother figure. I’m just helping.” Quentin rolled his eyes, leaning closer to you. He took your hand in hands as he spoke, “You’re my big sister, I know you more than you think I do. I can feel when something’s not right, and trust me, something’s not right. I know a small part of you is still against it. Please just tell me why you’re doing this and maybe I can help.” You thought for a moment, looking away from him briefly before he spoke again, “I don’t want to see you get hurt over something that was never real.” 

Your breath hitched slightly. Memories from last night began to flood your mind. Everything you felt, everything you thought, and everything you said to yourself. The ring. The ring currently resting on your left finger suddenly became heavy. Every negative feeling from last night came back, hitting you at full force with all the weight of your insecurity. Was he right? Could he feel the negative tension between you and Tom? Your stomach felt uneasy and you felt your heart skip a beat before beating more intensely. You were nervous. You couldn’t tell him the truth, but you couldn’t keep it hidden for very long. Quentin would find out eventually--the way he reacted to the truth would depend on how he’d find out. If you told him, he would surely help you find another way out. If things played out, well, who knows what he would do. You had to tell him. You were scared to see how he would react to the truth after being lied to. And after last night, something like that was likely to happen again. When it did, you’d need the emotional support he could give. He’d help you through it. He always did. 

Looking up to meet his eyes, you took in a shaky breath, preparing to tell him everything-- including last night’s incident. Before a single sound could escape your lips, your pager went off, catching your attention instantly. Taking out of your pocket, you saw three numbers on the screen that let you know you had to leave instantly. “I have to go,” you sighed, standing and taking your phone with you. Quentin stood as well, eyes never leaving you as you prepared to leave. “You still haven’t told me what’s going on,” he insisted, stepping in your way to stop you. You gave him a look, “It’s an emergency. I got paged 911, I have to go.” He crossed his arms, standing his ground while still not letting you leave. “Look, I can’t tell you much, but I promise you that this is for the best. We came up with a solution that benefits both of us. We care about each other in a very specific way.” You gave him a smile, “It’ll be fine, I promise.”

Quentin huffed, letting his hands drop as he shifted his weight. “Just promise me that this is real. That’ll put my mind at ease,” he muttered. Your smile faltered slightly. “I promise,” you lied. He nodded, stepping out of your way and letting you rush to whatever emergency you were called to. 

~~~~~8 p.m.~~~~~

 “Goodnight Boss!” one of the nurses called out. You waved goodbye at them before making your way out of the hospital lobby. It was a long day and the only thing you wanted to do was sink into that soft, king sized bed you shared with a certain billionaire. Maybe you’d help put Vivie to bed before that, however. Walking out to the doctor reserved parking spaces to where your car was, you took your phone out to finally read a message Tom had sent you three hours ago. It read, “I reserve that privilege for you alone😉.” You chuckled, looking away from the screen and paying attention to the dimly lit streets around you. Before you could put your phone back in your pocket, it began to ring. Thinking it was probably Tom checking up on you after work, you answered unbothered to look at the screen to confirm your suspicions. 

“Hey,” you answered, arriving at your car door and pressing the button on the handle to open the door. “Hi sweetie!” your mother replied, cheery tone almost making you cringe. “Mom,” you said in a false happy voice. Why did your heart fall slightly? “Honey, I know you just got off work and I was hoping we could discuss some details for the wedding while you drove home,” she explained. Setting your bag down on the driver’s seat, you closed the door and set the phone down, pressing the speaker button. “Now?” you asked, “Isn’t the wedding some time away?” You heard her let out a laugh, “Well that’s the thing, we don’t know when the wedding will be since you haven’t picked a date for it.” After putting the phone on the hands-free stand, you turned the car on and put your seat belt on as well. “Weren’t you the one who was going to pick the date?” you inquired, pulling out of the parking spot. “Well I do want to give power over your wedding day, since I didn’t give you a choice with the groom. But if you want me to handle everything, I’ll do it gladly,” she snarked, “Just don’t complain when you turn into bridezilla after nothing was to your liking.” 

“Fine,” you caved in, “But let’s skip the date, I have to discuss that with Tom.” You drove out of the parking lot and began your long drive home to Tom’s place. “Ok, so first off, we need to plan a date to pick the dress you’ll wear on your special day,” she offered quickly, as if reading off a list and picking the first item. “I’m not sure,” you drawled, keeping a firm focus on the road ahead of you despite the conversation and your tiredness, “I’m always working at the hospital. I’d have to ask for a day off, or maybe two.” You heard a sigh on the other line. 

“Well then, let’s skip that,” your mother grumbled, “How about the flower arrangements for the bouquet and decor?” You thought for a moment, keeping most of your focus on the road. “I’m not sure, isn’t there some traditional arrangement we can do? Something with roses, baby’s breath, and other flowers?” She groaned, “If you’re not going to take this seriously, I might as well take control over the whole thing myself. You’re clearly not half as interested in making important decisions as you should be.” 

“Mom, I just got off work. I’m not in the right mind to make any decisions.” you protested.

“It would be nice if you tried! Even just a little.”

“I am trying mom. I’m just exhausted. Maybe we can discuss these decisions later, when I’m not tired.” 

“Fine,” she agreed, “But at least decide on the colors.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, you answered, “Both of our favorite colors. Maybe with gold accents.” “Very well,” she acquiesced, “That’s at least one less decision that has to be made. Let me know when your days off are so that we can have a proper discussion about the wedding planning.”  You nodded, momentarily forgetting she couldn’t see you, then mumbled a yes. “While we’re on the topic of weddings, I want to inform you of another decision I made,” she added, “After some deliberation, I decided you and Tom will get married on the same day your brother and his fiancee will get married.” 

Your hands twitched, almost swerving the car to the left. “What?” asked in rage. “Well, both engagements were announced on the same day. Besides, you two have always been so close, so it’s only fitting you share a wedding,” she explained. “No!” you snapped, “The engagement wasn’t my choice! I don’t want to share a wedding with Quentin!” 

“Why not?”

“Because I just don’t!”

“That’s not a good reason. Honestly, why are you being so immature?”

“I’m immature?” you questioned indignantly, “I’m the immature one? You made me get engaged to a complete stranger just because of your friendship with his father and I’m immature?” Your mother sighed, "The circumstances are different, you wouldn't understand. This benefits both families. I just wish you were a little more open to this." You burned with rage, breath fast and uneven as you tried to calm down and respond to her in a controlled manner. "You're right mother," you. responded bitterly, "I don't understand why you would offer up your daughter to marry someone she'd never met before and claim it was in her best interest. But you know, I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to think of a great explanation for when we meet up to plan the wedding. Until then, I'm exhausted. I'll let you know when my day off is." 

With that, you hung up, too engaged to let her respond. You were almost home. Just a few more minutes away--enough time to try and calm yourself before you Vivie saw you like that. You decided to take a few deep breaths, clearing your mind off anything that was said between the two of you. You'd deal with that later. For now, you just wanted to focus on breathing and driving and putting Vivie to bed and going to bed yourself. You just hoped Tom wouldn't give you a hard time tonight. 

"How long is Y/N going to take to get here?" You heard Vivie ask from the living room as you opened the door. "Not long," Tom responded, "I'm sure she's-" "Right here," you finished, walking into the living room and opening your arms towards Vivie. "Y/N!" She cheered, running to give you a hug. You bent down a bit, making it easier for her to reach you, and wrapped your arms around her small form. A small smile found its way to your lips as Tom approached the two of you. "Did you save any lives today?" She asked, looking up at you with big, curious eyes. "Yes," you laughed, "a few, actually." 

"How about she tells you about how she saved them as a bedtime story," Tom suggested standing a few feet away. Vivie turned to him and nodded. "Well then, go clean up for bed. She'll join you in a moment," he gestured towards the stairs. Without a moment's hesitation, she ran upstairs, following his order. You relaxed for a moment, putting your stuff down on the couch to your right. There was a brief moment of silence as you unpacked some of your things. A sweet, calming moment that unfortunately didn't last very long. 

"Something's wrong," Tom commented, taking a step closer to you. "What, with you?" You asked turning to face him. "Not me," he snorted, "With you. You seem tense and slightly less annoying." He stood a foot in front of you, hands to his sides as he gave you a seemingly sympathetic look. Seemingly. You hesitated for a moment, remembering the conversation you had earlier. 'I don’t want to see you get hurt over something that was never real.'

Sensing your hesitation, he took your left hand in his. "Tell me," he pleaded, eyes continuing to soften as he looked deeply into your own. You took a beat, closing your eyes as your lips began to speak. "I had a conversation earlier," you began, "Two, actually. Quentin came to the hospital just to tell me he isn't convinced that our 'relationship' is real. And as if that wasn't enough, my mother wants to start planning the wedding. Which, by the way, we'll have to share with my brother because why the fuck not." You let out a sorrowful laugh. Tom's eyes darkened with concern, the grip he had on your hand tightening slightly. 

"What did you tell your brother?" He asked in a calm voice. A sudden feeling of worry arose,despite your efforts in trying to stop it. "I told him that we care about each other in a very specific way," you answered, "Which technically, we do."

"So you didn't actually lie," he said more as a statement. 

"I just didn't tell him the full story," you smirked, "You taught me that." A smile appeared on his face, but was gone again in the blink of an eye. He smiled. "What about the wedding?" He questioned, concerned look returning. "I don't want to think about that," you sighed, closing your eyes for a second, "I just want to go to bed. I've had a long day." Tom nodded, letting go of your hand and taking a step back. He was holding on to your hand for the entire conversation. "Before you do that, I believe you promised Vivie a bedtime story about your day," he reminded, making his way to the stairs, "I'll wait for you to come to bed before I turn off the light." 

You walked into Vivie's room, silently admiring the layout. Your eyes roamed around the room, taking note of every small detail in the child's expertly decorated bedroom. "Ready for the story?" She asked, making you turn to look at her as she sat on the bed. "Are you?" You responded, raising an eyebrow. She just nodded, quickly lifting the covers and laying down, her braids resting on each side of her head. You walked over to the bed and sat down on the corner, facing her. "So, what do you want to hear about first?" You asked softly, setting a hand down near her head. "Can lay down with me until I fall asleep?" She pleaded, giving you puppy eyes. You smiled, silently going along with her request. Once you were laying down next to her, she began her requests, "How many people did you save today?"

"Three," you chuckled, "Two of them needed surgery and the third one was having a heart attack. They were ok when I came home." Her eyes went wide with amazement. "Why did they need surgery?" She asked, fully invested in everything you told her. "Well," you began, "Your heart is responsible for pumping blood through your veins. That's what keeps you alive. Sometimes, the veins near your heart get stuffed with a bad type of fat that sticks to the walls, like ice cream through a straw. When that happens, they need a special surgery called a coronary bypass. It creates another route for the blood to take so that it avoids the fat that's blocking the path for the blood. That way, their heart can keep beating.” 

You heard her take even breaths. Turning to look at her, your suspicions were confirmed; she’d fallen asleep. You smiled softly, deciding to stay there for a while longer just in case. Looking up at the ceiling, you focused on whatever little sound in the room. Closing your eyes for a moment, you listened to a faint thumping. Thump. Thump. Silence. Thump. Your eyes shot open, focusing more intently on her heartbeat. You counted ten seconds on your fingers while focusing on her heartbeat. Ten seconds, seven beats. It skipped a few beats in between. You felt a strong sense of worry spread. It could be a number of things, but the most probable cause was arrhythmia. Did Tom know? 

Standing up slowly, you began to make your way to the door carefully to not disturb Vivie. Once you reached the door, you opened it cautiously. Tom stood on the other side of the door, making you jump slightly. He took a step back, allowing you to fully exit the room. Closing the door gently, you turned to face him. “How long were you standing here?” you whispered, still being careful. “Not long, I just wanted to make sure Vivie was asleep,” he said in a hushed tone, also taking Vivie into consideration. You nodded, speaking again, “She’s asleep, but I heard something that has me a bit concerned. Her heartbeat has an abnormal rhythm. Did you know that?” Tom sighed softly, nodding sadly. “Her father had a history of heart problems. Unfortunately, she got his bad genes. They diagnosed it when she was three. She’s been on a strict, healthy diet and non-addictive meds.” I knew it! You nodded, taking a moment to think about what you’d say next. “If it’s ok with you, I’d like to take a look at her medical records, both as a doctor and her future legal guardian,” you whispered. Tom gave you a confused look, “Why would you want that?” 

“I’m one of New York’s top Cardiothoracic surgeons. I want to make sure this isn’t something that will require surgery later in her life,” you explained, “That and I’m emotionally invested in her well being and I want to know what I can do to help.” He gave you a small nod, “I’ll show you her records tomorrow before work.” You smiled and began to walk to your shared room, spirits lifted slightly now that you’d be able to take care of Vivie both as a patient and as a ‘mother’. 

Meanwhile Tom watched you leave, an incredulous smile forming. He reminded himself of what his father said about the marriage. He said Vivie needed a mother figure in her life and maybe Y/N was it. “Maybe he was right,” he whispered to himself, “Maybe Y/N could be a good mother for Vivie.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: This took a while to figure out, but it’s here!! I had to do some research for this chapter, but I’m no expert. If you know more about this, please feel free to correct me as some advice would be very much appreciated. Anyway, as always, show some love for @accio-boys​, my wonderful partner in crime. Check out her blog, as she makes covers for fanfics and they look absolutely amazing (All the covers I have on the Masterlists were made by her). Stay safe, Stay Proud, Be careful out there, and I love you! Please remember that!  😘💖💖💖💖

And to all my new followers, Welcome to the family😘❤🧡💛💚💙💜

~~~~~~~

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If I missed you, please let me know! I didn’t do it purposefully!! 💜💜🥺💜💜

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Burn the Ships, Chapter Six

A/N:  Merry Christmas, ya’ll! ^.^

. . . . .

Chapter Six

“Let me get this straight: you’re planning on interrogating a spy right here on the dock?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, that’s right. Alex is still getting stitched up, and it would waste time to haul him back to the Palace.”

Danny opened his mouth, closed it again, sighed, then said, “You know what? That’s actually not the craziest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Thanks… I think.”

“Do you really expect him to tell you anything, though?”

“If he knows what’s good for him.”

“Just promise me you won’t shoot him. I don’t think the governor would be able to get you out of that one.”

Steve stayed silent as he turned to go back down the dock to where they’d left Agent Branning under the careful supervision of Lou Grover.

“Steven. Do not shoot that man, do you hear me?” Danny started after him. “You know what? I’d better just come with you because I know you, and I wouldn’t put it past you.”

Steve might have smiled if the situation were different. “He’s complicit in the abuse of a child, Danny. So if my gun happens to go off and the bullet happens to shatter his knee cap -- well…”

Danny’s hand came down hard on his shoulder, spinning him around. “Steve, listen to me. I know you’re angry -- you think I’m not? I keep thinking, ‘what if that were Grace?’ and it makes me sick to my stomach, okay? But you can’t help this kid from prison. That’s all I’m saying.”

“I know that, Danny; I’m well aware. But I’m getting answers once and for all, and I will do whatever I need to in order to make that happen.”

Danny sighed again before turning and continuing on his way.

Now a few steps behind his partner, Steve arrived just in time to hear Danny say, “You see this guy behind me? He’s more than a little cranky and definitely hot-headed. So if I were you, I’d just tell him what he wants to know, because there is literally no telling what he might do if you don’t -- and, believe me, I’ve seen him do some crazy things.”

“Is that supposed to scare me?”

“Just stating the facts. So if he ends up shooting you in the knee, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Steve almost smiled as Danny stepped to the side. “What were you doing here in Hawaii?”

“Commander McGarrett, you and I both know I came for a vacation with my ward.”

“Yeah, and you and I both know that’s a load of crap.”

Branning shrugged. “I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

“Ten people came down here to kill you and Alex. You can’t expect me to let this go.”

“Wrong place, wrong time. You know how it is,” he replied with a  condescending smirk.

Not even a minute had passed and Steve was already done with this. “Okay. Well, let me tell you what I think, and then we’ll see if you stick with that story, shall we?”

“Allow me to reintroduce myself: I am Lieutenant Commander Steven J. McGarrett, former member of SEAL team six. I’ve served in a lot of countries, seen a lot of action. So when there are four former drug dealers dead on my island that all have scorpion tattoos that identify them as former Scorpia assassins, that raises some questions.”

Steve realized then that, although Branning worked for the CIA, he’d probably never been a field agent -- or, at least, was long retired from it.

“How do you know about that? There’s no way you’ve ever had clearance high enough.”

“Yeah, well, when your team is in Afghanistan and accidentally uncovers a cell of them instead of ISIS, you kinda become privy to that information.

“So here’s my theory: Alex was sent undercover to discover if these particular guys were still a threat, and if they were, to eliminate them. How’d I do?”

“That would be child abuse.”

Steve felt his fist crack into the agent’s face before he’d made the conscious decision to swing. He could feel the anger radiating off of Lou and Danny beside him and knew they would have loved to be the ones to do that, too. He couldn’t keep the tremor out of his voice as he growled, “The fact that you can say that with a straight face is enough reason for me to want to shoot you right here, right now, and I’d bet my life Lou and Danny would testify that you went down in the shootout.”

Branning spit to the side and turned his head back towards Steve, a bruise already starting to form across his cheekbone.  “It’s not like he was forced into it.”

“And how, pray tell, does that justify this? Does any child choose to be abused?”

Branning smirked. “You can’t prove a word of this, McGarrett, and you know it. Alex chose to work for the company, and he can leave any time he wants.”

“Yeah, I doubt that.”

“No, I mean it. Taking care of that kid is like walking around with sand in your shoes. I didn’t volunteer for this, but he did -- that’s just the job. I’d be more than happy for someone to take him off my hands, but that’s never going to happen because Alex is here because he wants to be.”

Steve knew that was a lie; Alex had told him as much, that he’d never wanted this, but he felt trapped. But, if it was truly the case that Alex was free to leave, then maybe all Steve needed to do was give him a reason.

He glanced back over his shoulder, wondering how Alex was doing. He’d seemed a little squeamish when stitches were mentioned, and Chin was with him, but honestly Steve wished he was the one sitting with the kid right now. Turning back and unclenching his jaw, he said, “Lou, take him to the station and have him booked for child abuse.”

“With pleasure.” Lou stepped over and hauled Branning to his feet by the arm.

Branning chuckled. “It won’t stick.”

“Yeah, probably not, but it will waste a few hours of your precious time.” And be probable enough cause for CPS to temporarily pull Alex’s custody from you.

As Steve watched them walk away, Danny side-stepped closer. “What -- no ‘book ‘im, Danno’?”

“No. It’s Christmas Eve, and if we still wanna have this party, you need to get home.”

“That is a very good point. You still coming?”

“Yeah -- but, hey? Maybe plan for one more.”

He could feel Danny staring at him before he asked, “Alex?”

“Yeah. I - uh, really need to have a talk with him and make a couple of calls, but…”

Danny nodded and clapped him on the shoulder as he started to leave. “Alright. I’ll see you later tonight then.”

I just hope this works.

. . .

“Hey, there he is.” Chin nodded in the direction of the dock.

Alex glanced up but quickly returned his gaze back down to his hands. “You think he’s mad?”

“Probably -- but less at you than you might think. I’m sure he’s more relieved that your arm looked worse than it is.”

“I broke my promise. Again.”

“You did what you thought was best at the time. Steve will understand that.”

The paramedic was just finishing wrapping his arm when Alex saw Steve’s boots stop on the pavement in front of him.

“Hey. Give us a minute?”

Alex watched the medic’s shoes disappear, his heart pounding in his chest. He really didn’t want to have this conversation right now -- or ever, really.

“Danny already took off, so can I hitch a ride with you?”

“Of course,” he heard Chin reply. “Looks like I picked a good day to drive my car instead of the bike, huh? I’ll wait over there; take your time.”

“Thanks.”

As the lieutenant’s boots retreated, Alex lost his last buffer. Silence fell between them, and after a moment, Alex couldn’t stand it any longer, so he blurted out the first and only thing his exhausted brain could come up with.

“I’m sorry I ruined your shirt.”

He wasn’t expecting the commander to burst out laughing, and his head snapped up at the sound.

“That’s really what you’re concerned about right now, huh?” McGarrett chuckled. “Kid, that is so low on my list of priorities right now -- it’s not even on the radar.”

Alex watched, not knowing what to do now, as McGarrett took a couple of steps and hoisted himself to sit on the gurney next to him with a tired sigh, all humor suddenly forgotten as he stared out towards the lagoon. Here it comes, he thought, but when McGarrett spoke, it wasn’t what he was expecting at all.

“More than five years ago now, I was sent on a black op into North Korea. I took my best buddy with me, and our goal was to extract a man named Anton Hess. The mission was a success, but I lost my friend in the process. He covered me so I could get Anton out, and if he hadn’t sacrificed himself that day, we’d both be dead right now.

“But as I was transporting Hess back, our convoy got hit, and he ended up dead, too. In retaliation, Anton’s brother, Victor, killed my father. In the span of a day, I lost two of the most important people in my life.

“I came back to Hawaii for my dad’s funeral, and that’s when the late Governor Jameson offered me this job. It started as a way to track down Victor Hess, but it turned into so much more and, as it happened, turned out to be exactly the change that I needed.” He paused, finally turning to face Alex. It was easy to see the sincerity and conviction burning in his eyes.

“I’m not going to pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I understand what it’s like to have the people you love killed and to not be able to do anything to prevent it. I know… I know what it’s like to have your world ripped apart, and how it feels to think nothing is ever going to be okay again, to throw yourself into something -- anything -- just to have a reason to keep going.

“But eventually you have to stop running. You have to let yourself heal. And you can’t do that by just ignoring it and adding more trauma on top of what you already have.

“It’s okay to let yourself heal, and if you can’t get there on your own, it’s okay to ask for help.”

Alex couldn’t stand it any longer. He turned his gaze away, throat tight with emotion, focusing instead on where he was twisting his hands in his lap. After a moment, he choked out, “Lieutenant Kelly told me about how you recruited your team. Detective Williams was struggling to adjust to life here after a messy divorce; Lieutenant Kelly himself was a disgraced cop; Officer Kalakaua wasn’t even out of the academy yet; Captain Grover was forced into early retirement from SWAT. But none of those things mattered to you. You always seem to show up in people’s lives when they need someone the most. Do you think that’s true for me too?”

McGarrett was quiet for a moment before he spoke softly, “I don’t know, but it’s worth a shot to find out, don’t you think? All you have to do is say the word, Alex, and I promise you I’m not gonna leave you alone. I’ll be there every step of the way.”

Alex tried to cut off the sob building in his chest but then decided he didn’t care anymore. He was exhausted and injured; that should give him a free pass to be as emotional as he wanted. As the tears started to fall, he felt a hand settle, heavy and reassuring, between his shoulder blades. Alex let himself have a minute before he pulled himself back together enough to give a shaky nod and a whispered, “please.”

“Consider it done.”

Alex took a shaky, deep breath, swiping a hand over his cheeks. “What -- uhm, what exactly does this mean?” He glanced up at the man.

McGarrett smiled down at him. “It means it’s time to burn some ships of our own.”

. . . . .

Tag List: @diekatimitdemhutohnehut @ghostly-homo @grungeweasel @just-add-butter

[nleeowens]

Marvel's Endgame Made Me Feel Miserable; And So Has Other Movies

Since Marvel is rereleasing Endgame with new scenes, I decided to post my personal essay on how I felt about the fatphobia and abelism directed to Thor because I have no where else to post it lol

April 26, 2019 was a historical day. And it wasn’t because it was the eve of my birthday, though in my humble opinion it would’ve been a pretty special day on that alone. No, it was historical because it marked the theatrical release of Marvel’s Avengers: Endgame. The finale to the culmination of nearly ten years of twenty-two superhero blockbusters. At the time of writing this,  it is less than 75 million dollars away from toppling Avatar as the highest grossing movie of all time. (Avatar you know the movie with the blue people that everyone watched but no one remembers.)

    I basically grew up with these movies. Celebrated the end of my middle school years with the first Iron Man, the end of high school with Marvel’s Avengers, and the true start of adulthood after my college graduation with Black Panther. So you can imagine that I was pretty excited for this movie, right? Wrong. By the time it's preceding movie, Avengers: Infinity War, came out last year I was already experiencing franchise fatigue.

For those who do not know, franchise fatigue is the phenomenon where there are too many movies being released that ties itself to an already established franchise so the audience stops caring. Think of how the Transformers movie series began to decline following the conclusion of the main trilogy. I wouldn’t be surprised if Marvel starts to face similar issues now that Endgame has come and gone.

By the summer of 2018, I’ve already made peace with the fact that Black Panther would be the last Marvel series I’d feel any sort of attachment to. I didn’t even bother to watch Infinity War, and I never will. I wasn’t planning on watching Endgame either. Then my mom called me saying that she is coming down with my step dad and baby brother to visit my sister and I to celebrate me and my sibling’s birthday. (Yes, we are all born in April, my mom is apparently really good at planning.)

Building up to that weekend, I read up on the events of Infinity War so I won’t be entirely lose and tried my best (and ultimately failed) to not be too bitter about Marvel therefore ruining the experience for everyone else. That Saturday I walked into the movie theater expecting little. But when I walked out to the usual mid-afternoon Florida rain, I felt more than the disappointment and annoyance that I was expecting. I felt miserable.

This is not an essay about how, despite being three hours long Endgame felt like a lazy, rushed cash grab. Or about how they fridged Natasha for the pain of her male teammates, and then tried to pull a “Yay! Girl Power!” in a throwaway two minute scene. I will not go on about how it’s first LGBT+ representation in MCU was a nameless random character played by one of the directors, yet still managed to push how the only path to happiness is by living a traditional heteronmorative lifestyle. Or even how Endgame made it blatantly obvious how white, straight, and male the MCU was in the past and still mostly is. No, I am writing this essay to talk about the Asgardian god of thunder, Thor.

There is a five year timeskip, we see how the remaining Avengers are coping with the aftermath of the snap. Then Ant-Man reappears with a plan so they go about reforming the Avengers. Professor Hulk, now an uncanny combination of Hulk and Bruce Banner, and Rocket Racoon go to New Asgard, a small fishing town where the surviving Asgardians live, to recruit Thor who has … changed drastically.

In the span of his movie trilogy and Infinity War, has lost just about everything. His mom in Thor: The Dark World. His father, home, friends, an eye, Mijolnr, and a large majority of his people in Thor: Ragnarok. Then in Infinity War, another lifelong friend, Heimdall, and his last family member, Loki. (Though it looks like 2012 Loki managed to worm his way out of trouble.) I would argue that Thor is one of the characters that has lost the most, so him decapitating Thanos isn’t that surprising in retrospect. Even though it would've been more satisfying for Nebula to deliver the final blow.

It also shouldn’t be surprising that these events hit Thor hard. Thor has secluded himself in a bachelor pad with his alien friends, and grown out his hair and beard. In the past five years, he has seemingly done nothing but drink beer, eat junk food, and play Fortnite. Bluntly put, Thor’s fat. At the mention of Thanos, Thor becomes irritable and upset, and was reluctant to get back to avenging. Decreased energy, weight gain, loss of interest, irritability, and feelings of guilt are all clear signs of depression and anxiety.

But instead of showing any sort of empathy for what Thor has been through the movie treats his weight and mental health like a joke. When Thor first shows up after the time skip, the camera seems to focus on Thor’s stomach, abs now long gone. All of the other characters are shocked, even seeming a bit turned off, by Thor’s weight gain. Snarky characters like Tony Stark and Rocket Racoon were quick to make jokes at Thor’s expense. Even the emotional scene, where Thor has one final moment with his mother and realizes that even after everything he is still worthy, was ruined at the last moment by his mom telling him to eat more salads.

It wasn’t just the writers that are laughing at Thor’s weight, it was also the audience. There was a loud collective “eww...” from the audience whenever the camera focused on Thor’s gut. When Thor donned his classic armor before the big three faced 2012 Thanos, my mom shouted to the screen, “Is he going to lose some weight?”

Throughout all of those scenes I wanted to slide down the tattered theater seats to the perpetually sticky floor, because it might as well have been my shirtless body on the screen. My stomach rolls the audience was laughing at. My own weight my mom was criticizing. My mental health that was treated like a joke.

My weight has been something I’ve been self-conscious of for as long as I can remember. When I was in K-12, I hated shopping for school clothes with my mom because I knew nothing would fit me. I hate going to see friends and family I haven’t seen in a while because I’m worried they would make some sly comment about my weight. Going out in public is even miserable because I’m so paranoid people are judging me.

Simply making the efforts to lose weight will not get rid of these feelings, because mental health is a factor. And my history of depression and anxiety goes as far back as my issues with my weight. The first time I felt so incredibly hopeless to the point where I was having regular suicidal thoughts I was only about ten years old. There have been weeks where I’ve barely had enough energy to get out of my bed. I easily lose my appetite and go days without and go days barely eating anything, and when I do manage to eat I usually puke it out immediately. During those times I lose way too much weight way too quickly and when I finally get my appetite back I can do nothing but eat, gaining all that weight back plus some.

So seeing Marvel’s Avengers: Endgame where a character who is now fat and struggling with their mental health being ridiculed made me feel singled out and miserable. It would be unfair to pick on just Endgame when many movies have done the same thing. Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse is one of my favorite movies from 2018 (and rightfully won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature). The animation was innovative and spectacular. The message of overcoming fear and that anyone can be a hero was inspiring. But it also took some comedic shoots at an older Peter Parker’s weight that he gained after a failing marriage and losing his aunt.

Why is it, in nearly all movies, that just because a character is not the “ideal” weight it grants the writers and the audience the OK to mock them? Why is it that it’s fine to portray the trauma that a character has gone through as a joke? Because it’s not funny. These are serious issues that I deal with it, as do many other movie goers. And I don’t want to sit through a movie where I feel as if my experience is being laughed at. Yes, these characters are fat, yes, they are depressed and there should be no shame in that. But don’t these characters still deserve respect and compassion over cheap jokes? Don’t we all deserve that?

[nierly-amazing]

yo talk to me abt 2b and 9s. i need friends 😭

You want me to talk about 2B and 9S? YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT 2B AND 9S????? ARE YOU SURE?!?

OKAY FRIEND

THEY ARE BOTH SO GOOD I LOVE THEM.

THEY ARE SAD BROKEN IMPERFECT CHILDREN WHO NEED LOTS OF TLC.

And there are people out there who are too hard on one or the other and it makes me S A L T Y because they’re shoving their moral purity bullshit on two deeply broken characters and expect them to make the right decisions all the time.

Of course they’re gonna make mistakes, of course they’re going to choose the wrong options. They may be androids, but they are pretty damn human.

2B’s trapped in a cycle of killing the one she loves over and over and erasing his memories of her and everything.

Defecting isn’t really an option in her mind. She’s an E unit so she knows how successful they are; she probably wouldn’t think they’d last very long out there with no way to maintain and repair themselves. She doesn’t know of any successful defectors; command never tells them about A2 when she kills them, obviously, because they wouldn’t want to give anyone any ideas if they found out there was someone who’s survived years on her own out there (albeit falling apart and only surviving out of spite).

Plus, A2′s much less of a threat than an E-model and their best scanner model who is powerful enough to hack into the Bunkers defenses to dig out classified information. A2′s just some prototype who found out she was sent down to die yet continued to survive out of spite. 2B and 9S had the potential to cause a LOT of problems for YoRHa, since 9S found out one of the biggest secrets kept from all androids and other info that could possibly be very dangerous if the enemy got their hands on them. So it’s pretty likely they’d put a lot more effort into killing them than they did with A2.

A2′s circumstances are different than 2B and 9S’ anyway. Her only order was to die at the end of her mission. So for her it’s either let yorha kill her, or go on the run until she eventually gets killed by them or a machine. There are no other options for her. She has no one left to protect or worry about losing, nothing to tie her back.

And she was in a similar situation to 2B; they all did find out they were programmed to die after the mission but chose to see it through anyway instead of defecting.

So if command ordered her to kill 9S again and said they wouldn't reinstate a new one, who says she wouldn't take him and gtfo?

2B hates her job so much that she once chose death over killing him again, and the only reason she survived because he killed himself instead and made her promise to keep killing him. He wouldn't let her take the 'easy' way out because he knew that wouldn't solve anything.

That promise kinda complicates things too. Since it kinda invalidates what the next 9Ss might be feeling so now she’s even more stuck since she has orders from command AND orders from the 2+ 9S that made her promise.

Like, her job hurts her to the point where her own data corrupts in a way that’s ‘physically’ painful to the ‘touch’ (aka memory thorns).

She’s tried what she could to try to stop 9S from coming to the same conclusions as last time. She’s even tried to get command to retract their orders before but to no avail.

She’s cold and strict with him, but never outright cruel and mean. And, heck, maybe she could have been gentler on him, maybe she could have been herself more to make life easier on him. But like at what expense to her? The closer she gets to each of them the harder it is on her to kill him. Remember the whole “as close as possible yet eternally distant” thing?

So like, she could have made some better choices, but she was pretty stuck in what she was doing. She was stuck walking down a path where any decision she made could have bad consequences, so geez, give her a break for choosing the ones that had less terrible consequences (at least in her mind).

AND NOW FOR THE BOY

I already gushed about the poor boy at length [Here]

BUT I can still gush a bit more anyway. 

Some people are too hard on him too. Like do yall really expect someone who was:

A: Thrown into an endless war from the day he was born with no ability to quit. 

B: Given all the emotions and wants and needs of a human and then prohibited from expressing or trying to get those needs met.

C: Paired up with someone who’s emotionally distant to him and he doesn’t know why, falls in love with her anyway, only to find out she has to kill him over and over and is falling apart at the seams because of it. 

D: Has his memories wiped but some remaining something still draws him to her to the point where he’s willing to sacrifice himself for her after only ‘knowing’ her for an hour or so.

E: Programed to be incredibly curious then punished when directing that curiosity in a way YoRHa didn’t like.

F: Tortured and violated by some creepy humanoid machine and forced to face his complicated feelings about her and the world in a definitely not healthy way.

G: Thrown into traumatic battle after battle the moment after she starts reciprocating feelings for him.

H: Watched almost everyone he knows and cares about die in the span of an hour, many of whom he had to kill himself.

I: Watches the most important person to him get stabbed right in front of him, just when they were finally free of their cycle.

J: Wakes up thinking she was murdered in cold blood and fucking nobody thinks to tell him it was a mercy kill. Anemone knew, the pods knew, the weapons dude knew, A2 obviously knew and had multiple ways to take 5 minutes of her day and safely let him know 2B was infected, but didn’t. 

K: Intentionally tortured by the machine network because the Red Girls had some weird fascination with him. 

L: Had no real support network because androids in the middle of a 6000 year war likely dont have any grief counselors. 

M: The only time he’s had contact with A2 she said some cryptic bullshit that could be easily interpreted as taunting or something by him.

N: I could probably think of more to get all the way to Z but I want to do something else now.

Like yall really think someone who has gone through that much trauma with little to no support would be expected to behave like some morally pure uwu angel and make all the right decisions? Could he have acted better and made better decisions? Probably. But give the poor guy a break. He’s an endlessly fascinating character to study and relate to despite his flaws and mistakes.

Anyway I love them both so much despite their flaws and mistakes and they are an amazing pair because of the potential to grow and heal with each other after they wake up after [E]. They’re finally free to be as emotional and supportive of each other as they want and finally get t-shirts. 

And i just love who they are too. 2B is a gentle and kind person when she’s not forced to be cold and strict. 9S is just a curious ball of energy and is super sweet and respectful to 2B. He can be kinda snarky but he always backs off and respects her boundaries.

And just, I love the role reversal in this pairing. 2B’s the strong stoic one, where 9S is the bubbly support. It wouldn’t have half it’s charm if the genders were reversed.

There’s just SO MUCH POTENTIAL with these two. Like before I had no real intention of reading or writing fanfiction but then I played nier and I probably have written nierly (heh) 200k words over all my fics but now like, I just want to explore so much with them and their complex and unique relationship and uguh just

I

JUST

LOVE

THESE

LOUSY

GOTH

ANDROID

BABS

[themelancholyhill]

I’ve just worked a 12 hour shift so please excuse how all over the place I am in this ask. I want to thank you for such a detailed, honest and soulful response. Thank you for taking the time and energy to answer a complete stranger. The funny thing is that we seem to have a lot in common, from our friendships with our guy friends to the traumas that have shaped us and followed us into adulthood. It’s not easy to live with a past you don’t want to talk about. I am so grateful I found a kindred spirit in you.

Yes, things have worked out for now. But we are still two very different people, I find myself bracing for the next disagreement I have with my friend. If he was just a simple friend it would have been easy to let go. But he isn’t. The pain was intense, the loss was significant, the crying was oceanic. I find myself in deep remorse with what I’ve done to him, even though we’re back to being friends. I am often very hard on myself (you told me not to be), I pride myself in my kindness to others and I was not kind to him during our recent conversations. I’ve said disrespectful things about him, I’ve told him he’s not a good enough friend for me, I’ve pushed him away by asking why he wants to keep this friendship, why does it mean so much to him. I am horrified by my actions. I find it hard to even strike up a conversation with him now because of this, I feel like the less said the better, because everything that comes out of my mouth (or fingers) lately seems to hurt him. But what kind of friends do you call two people who don’t talk to each other?

His birthday is sometime this week, I will tell him just how much my actions have hurt me as well as him and that I truly hope we could pretend none of this happened. Think of how normal this friendship could have been, had I not tried so hard to catch something that always wanted to stay. I feel like you could understand how this friendship is, I think it’s hard for most people to (maybe I’m wrong). I don’t have any other motives or hidden agenda other than platonic affection for my friend, and all of this happened within the span of 6 months. You said you tried to maintain your friendship as much as you could, and that was the reason for its downfall. That is true for me too, to some extent. I knew he wasn’t planning to stay long online but I didn’t know when and I also knew that male friendships never lasted long with me so I wanted and tried so much and so hard to enjoy it while it was around, but too much, and too hard, and my own selfishness ended up hurting the people I never want to see hurt.

Is this what we do as damaged children now adults? Our sense of loss is so great that we are willing to sacrifice the very thing we’re trying to hold on to? Maybe I’m just tired but thinking about this makes me feel dumb, as if I don’t have enough brain cells to process the meaning of its severity and maturity.

Thank you for saying my friend is precious. He is, I’ve realized that now. Perhaps I’ll tell him so one day. I did tell him that he showed emotional maturity in the way he wants to hold onto this friendship. And so I must be the childish one. I am. I am still living in the shadows of my childhood. I am a child, acting like an adult.

Not having closure can seriously mess with someone. Which was why I unblocked him so we could at least offer each other closure. I was fully prepared to cut ties with him, I had paragraphs written and edited so that every word breaks like soft water. He told me he didn’t want this friendship to end, and I didn’t know what to say, my prepared words fell silent and unsent.

I’m quite exhausted now so I’ll end this ask by saying I think you and I are meant to meet these two friends that have impacted us in this way. I am sorry yours is turning out like this, you don’t deserve it, no one does. If anyone is reading this ask please do not ghost people, you will feel the hurt just as much. Please offer the person closure, that is the least you could do as you try to end a connection. Please do not hurt another person needlessly, just because you can’t deal with your own emotional issues.

I am so humbled to hear I am someone you feel honesty and openness towards. I am learning so much from you. I appreciate the time you put into answering my asks and I am grateful for finding a friend in you.

Have a great day, I hope my fondness for you keeps your tea (or coffee) warm. ✖️

We actually have a lot in common; we are indeed kindred spirits 😌 I've been to the dentist last night, and so don't mind my answer being all over the place!

I use Quora, which is a website where you get to ask questions and have them answered by other users, and I receive newsletter regularly. The main questions I get concern: the silence treatment and dealing with narcissistic people. I'm not saying that my friend is narcissistic, but the signs speak for themselves. The general consensus is that these people are either narcissistic or immature. I read that this behavior is due to childhood trauma and it's like a coping mechanism. I'm not reading these anymore cause they make me overthink and overanalyse things. More on my resolutions towards my friend later.

Simple friends are indeed easier to let go cause not much time and effort was invested in them. I had lost touch with some friends, but I don't give too much thought. 'Special' friends are different! Now to think of it, idk if my friend is really that special or I've made him this way. I saw in him that je ne sais quoi which made it easier for me to engage in this friendship, and from there, it was easier for me to make him into this unique and special guy.

Not talking to a friend is nerve-wracking, but still being friends is reassuring in a way. You still get the chance to send the occasional 'hey, how are you?' and even if the conversation doesn't last long as it used to, you still get to hear from them! Also, sometimes, you feel like you're walking on a thin line while still being friends with them cause you can't help but anticipate the next missteps. I mentioned taking things with a grain of salt, and it works in this case.

I'm also a certified child in the body of an adult. Depending on the situations—mostly when dealing with people—my brain doesn't function that well and I tend to either exaggerate my feelings or just runway. This renders me terrified of intimacy (especially physically) with someone (especially guys older than me).

I've also experienced great pain due to the loss of this friendship and tears ensued. I can't indulge myself in this much pain or else I'll be physically ill—pain and numbness in my legs. Consequently, I've decided to leave it all behind for good and go forward. By wanting to make our friendship simple, I let my actions and attitude say otherwise. I implied that he was a really good person on many occasions and I wasn't that blatant or else I'd freak him out. But it was so sweet and delightful to be friends with him—he made me smile on a regular basis.

My take on him and our friendship is that I'm really grateful. Thanks to him I felt this sense of belonging which is something I didn't experience when I was his age or younger. I got to belong while being myself. Granted, it didn't last as long as I wished it to last, but I'm grateful nevertheless. I'm thinking about writing him a letter talking about the latter, but idk if I'll do it or not. I feel like I'd guilt trip him in a way!

This is random, but I think what 'attracts' me to him is the fact that we can't work out as a couple, meaning that I don't worry about seeing our friendship turn into something less special—our friendship was my safe space.

As a final note, here's a tip for anyone reading this: don't make someone feel special unless the intention is to make the relationship last longer. It may sound idealistic, but it'll prevent major emotional damage.

Again, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to listen to me and equally share your insight regarding my situation. Who knew that losing a friend would result in gaining a new one!

I hope that I'll finally get a proper and official closer to my friendship. Despite deciding to move on, I still need this closure to breathe freely (in a sense.)

I hope you're having a wonderful day. It's almost 1 pm and I'm going to work on my essay in an hour or so. We are celebrating ramadan here. It lasts one month, and one week is already over.

[quoteablebooks]

Genre: Fantasy, Romance, Young Adult, Fiction, 

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Synopsis:

Looming war threatens all Feyre holds dear in the third volume of the #1 New York Times bestselling A Court of Thorns and Roses series. Feyre has returned to the Spring Court, determined to gather information on Tamlin's manoeuvrings and the invading king threatening to bring Prythian to its knees. But to do so she must play a deadly game of deceit – and one slip may spell doom not only for Feyre, but for her world as well. As war bears down upon them all, Feyre must decide who to trust amongst the dazzling and lethal High Lords – and hunt for allies in unexpected places. In this thrilling third book in the #1 New York Times bestselling series from Sarah J. Maas, the earth will be painted red as mighty armies grapple for power over the one thing that could destroy them all.

*Opinions*

**Spoilers**

A Court of Wings and Ruin is the end of the trilogy if you don’t count the add on novel that I am assuming is a bridge to the next series, and finally, war breaks over Prythian. The novel starts not too long after the events of A Court of Mist and Fury, with Feyre back in the Spring Court after the disastrous showdown with King Hybren. Feyre must navigate her way in a Court that is no longer her home and find a way to get back to the Night Court, her sisters, and her found family before Hybren starts his assault on Prythian. I have to say that the pacing in this novel was much better than in Mist and Fury with a number of moving pieces keeping the reader engaged. Yet, I found the ending slightly disappointing in terms of emotional payoff. Don’t get me wrong, I like a happy ending, but there was very little sacrifice to get that ending so it didn’t feel that it was earned. Now I have praised Maas before for letting Feyre make mistakes and have emotions as any individual would have. However, as the series progressed, I felt we saw less and less of this. It might have been deliberate, showing that this experience was maturing Feyre, but it got to the point where she does nothing wrong, and even when she does, it’s instantly forgiven because she is High Lady. Also, I know that this is a romance, but when 85% of Feyre’s thoughts are about Rhysand it was as if she wasn’t her own person anymore. There are no consequences to her actions that don’t somehow end up exactly how she wanted them to be, which became a little annoying. I didn’t have any fear of Feyre surviving or being hurt because things always worked out for her. Even with the Spring Court, the one time that Feyre’s choices came back to have some sort of negative effect, at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. Tamlin is still in love with her and ends up helping her against Hybren and Lucien, who is probably the worst treated by Feyre, goes with her to the Night Court due to Elian being his mate. I guess everything was just so neatly tied up that it didn’t seem realistic to me. Acts should have consequences more than “this could have gone so wrong but it didn’t, yay.” That being said, Tamlin is the definition of a messy bitch in this novel. While there is no condoning his treatment of Feyre, or Lucien, at the end of the day he is not a pure villain. Also, in defense of Lucien, I know a lot of people could point out that he let Tamlin treat Feyre badly and didn’t do enough to help her. I want to remind everyone that this is a man who was abused by his family and his best friend has control and rage issues which he doesn’t have powerful magic to counteract. Living like that for centuries will make anyone a little hesitant to step in when tempers are brewing. I understand Feyre’s anger, both for them aligning with Hybren to get her back like a possession and Lucien not helping her when she needed him the most, but Lucien very early on also acknowledges these mistakes. As Feyre manipulates him, I understand her reasoning, but I feel for Lucien as well. Maas pulls on those feelings from A Court of Thorns and Roses to make the reader both want Feyre to succeed in her machinations, but also find it a bit cruel what she is doing to Lucien. I would have liked for Lucien to decide to come with Feyre because of what Tamlin did and not just to see his mate, but I guess Feyre wouldn’t have believed him without the mating bond. After the time in the Spring Court, it’s as if Maas doesn’t know what to do with Lucien so she just sends him off on a quest and he’s gone for hundreds of pages. The addition of Faebane to the world was needed because, quite frankly, the fact that Feyre has the powers of every High Lord and wields them with efficiency was a bit hard for me to swallow. I know that we saw her train for months to master them, but she seemed to have no weakness, so while a lot can happen in a war, I didn’t really have any fear she would be harmed in one to one combat. The introduction of the faebane took away those powers and forced Feyre to think on her feet, use her physical abilities, and sometimes make deals to get out of sticky situations. While it was negated for the war itself, Feyre didn’t fight at all and Hybren had equally powerful magic so that didn’t bother me. However, all that training for Feyre to not enter a single battle during the actual war was a little ridiculous. All this power and she stood by and watched because she wasn’t trained to fight with the legion? I got the reasoning but why give her these amazing powers and have her not once use them in the final battle? Now, my biggest grievance with this novel is that Elian, and to some extent Nesta, are just walking plot devices. Elian is literally only mentioned in the narrative to push some other action forward, sending Lucien to look for Vessa, to warn them about the Ravens, and to force Azriel and Feyre to go and rescue her from Hybren so he goes after the humans. I learned nothing about her in this novel and honestly didn’t care about her in the slightest even though I enjoyed her character in the first two novels. When she faced her human betrothed I couldn’t have cared less because she wasn’t on the page enough for me to care and even that was just to show that Jurian was working against Hybren. While Nesta had more page time due to her connection to the Cauldron and therefore we had more emotional connection to her, she still didn’t seem like a character in this novel. I know that she is getting her own set of novels and I hope that they do her justice because I think she is one of the more interesting characters in the series when they actually let her be more than an ice-cold. Maas wanted to show that both sisters are traumatized by being turned, I get that, but you need to make us care about this trauma instead of just making both women useful for their skills and not talking aside from that. It was because of this disconnect that the real emotional moment for the sisters at the end of the novel really didn’t hit for me. My next grievance is that while they are in a war and a lot of people die, it isn’t any of the characters that the reader cares about. Sure, it is sad when the Cauldron blasts countless Illyrians out of the sky, but it wasn’t Cassian, thanks to Nesta, or Azriel. I am not saying that I wanted one of the inner circle to die, but literally all of the named characters make it through the war without any lasting physical effects. I guess that isn’t the truth, the Suriel, The Carver, and The Weaver do not survive, but again we really didn’t have an emotional connection to any of them save maybe the Suriel. Especially when Feyre realizes that The Carver came into the battle knowing he was going to die. Also, Feyre doesn’t lose anything in the battle other than her father, who she had been distant from for years. While his death was sad, Feyre really never planned to see him again so why should the reader be upset? Feyre doesn’t go mad looking into the mirror for The Carver and while I am all about learning to love the good and the bad in yourself, doing it in the span of hours is a little rushed. Feyre does not have to give up any of her powers to put the Cauldron back together, Rhysand doesn’t have any ill effects from dying to but the Cauldron back together, all the High Lords survive the war along with the named allies and mates. Even Amren’s big sacrifice was nulled as she came back as a High Fae. Again, I am a huge proponent of happy endings and maybe the emotional turmoil is shown in A Court of Frost and Starlight, but I still don’t really feel as if the happy ending was earned. I also don’t think that this series is Young Adult after A Court of Thorns and Roses, but New Adult. I have nothing against sex scenes in YA books because teenagers have sex, but the amount of sex in the last two books and how detailed the sex scenes were didn’t read like a Young Adult book. Feyre was nineteen at the beginning of all this (in hopes that we wouldn’t have an issue with a centuries-old Fae wanting to sleep with her, but that’s a different issue) and has had to take care of her family so one could say she is mature. That’s why the sex scene with Tamlin in the first novel didn’t bother me at all (though there are things to say about the Under the Mountain, again not now) because while it was detailed, it was a culmination of a novel's worth of relationship building. However, in A Court of Mist and Fury and A Court of Wings and Fury, the sex scenes are more prevalent and at points, all Feyre and Rhysand think about, like the library scene. I, personally, didn’t mind all that sexuality in this novel, but I don’t think having multiple sex scenes is the only way the novel could have been empowering for young girls and their sexuality. I don’t need to know that Feyre’s legs are still up on Rhysand’s shoulders to understand the deep and intimate bond they share, just saying. Again, in an adult novel, give me all those details, not needed in YA. Overall, I enjoyed the series, but I see why people have pointed out the problems with how romantic relationships have been portrayed. I am not sure if I will seek out A Court of Frost and Starlight or Nesta’s novels, which are apparently an adult series. Maas didn’t exceptional world-building so that Prythian was a living, breathing world. However, I don’t feel as if the emotional hits really worked in this final novel and the happy ending was just a little too perfect for my taste. Maybe I’m just a cynic at heart after all.

[counselingwithita]

10 Things Mentally Strong People Do During a Pandemic

Research reveals how you can reduce your anxiety and stress during COVID-19.

The COVID-19 global pandemic and the systemic ramifications are not only unprecedented but harrowing. We are all adjusting to new realities and grieving the loss of old ones. All of us are simply trying to manage our daily lives taking care of our children or parents, dealing with financial stresses, and adjusting to a new way to live.

All stressors related to COVID-19 may likely result in a myriad of negative feelings such as depression, anxiety, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This collective trauma that we are experiencing may feel bleak, but this isn’t the first crisis in our history. For example, research investigations in crises such as the 9-11 terrorist attacks, Ebola, and SARS reveal how individuals respond to pandemics/crises in both adaptive and maladaptive ways.

Researchers have studied how the mentally strong may behave through adverse experiences. This information may help you reduce the likelihood of mental health issues resulting from COVID-19. Further, the mentally strong and resilient may eventually display post-traumatic growth versus post-traumatic stress symptoms. Post-traumatic growth is understood as positive psychological changes that result from traumatic and highly stressful experiences. Although we are in the middle of this crisis, individuals can rise to a higher level of functioning when the pandemic ends.  

Most of us know the basics: It is vital to create daily habits, to exercise, and to connect with our social supports using virtual meetings and social media. However, here are some suggestions based on evidence of how mentally strong people respond to crises. They may help you not only manage the pandemic but decrease the likelihood of long term mental health issues as a result of the coronavirus pandemic.

1. They limit news and media exposure.

Research suggests that there are two main predictors to how well a person will respond in a crisis (like a pandemic). The first is how vulnerable they were in their own lives before the crisis. The second is how much news they consumed during the crisis. Chronic news exposure may create vicarious trauma and PTSD.

Media exposure and the 24/7 news cycle can activate “fight or flight” responses, which can lead to traumatic stress. For example, in a study conducted after the 9-11 terrorist attacks, several hours of media exposure after 9-11 were associated with PTSD and new physical health issues 2-3 years later in participants. In another study conducted during the Ebola outbreak in 2014, daily media exposure was associated with increased distress and poorer functioning over the long term compared to those who limited their news and media intake. Mentally strong people limit their news exposure, choose reliable and responsible print/media, and limit exposure to distressful images shown on the news.

2. They accept their feelings as normal.

Mentally strong individuals accept their feelings as normal because this is a time for both personal trauma and collective trauma. A resilient individual understands that feelings such as fear, anxiety, hopelessness, anger, and sadness are normal because the information is too overwhelming to process at once. The American Psychological Association also accepts this from a diagnostic perspective.

Based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (APA-2013), the diagnosis of “Adjustment Disorder with Anxious or Depressed Mood” is applied to any person who is experiencing symptoms and has had a major life event occur in the last 90 days. Naturally, this applies to all of us because we are amid a pandemic that has changed our lives: Whether the loss of a job, homeschooling children, the inability to attend a funeral or see a loved one in a nursing home or otherwise, these reactions are within normal limits.

3. They carefully choose the leaders they follow.

Mentally strong people follow those who display healthy leadership skills and mental health. Garfin et al. (2020) suggested that providers promote calm and rational action and limit watching media and individuals who undermine public health efforts to combat COVID-19. It is both confusing and psychologically harmful to watch leaders who publicly argue and misstate the facts and the research. As a native New Yorker, I find it useful to watch Gov. Andrew Cuomo as he states the facts in a cogent, evidence-based, calm, and thorough manner.

Further, Garfin and colleagues (2020) suggested choosing one or two trusted sources (e.g. Centers for Disease Control, World Health Organization) to stay informed of critical updates. Researchers also assert that since there are no drastic changes from hour to hour during a pandemic, choosing a reliable print media source one time per day is suggested. (Baruch Fischoff, Ph.D.)

4. They limit social media and exposure.

Mentally strong people understand how social media operates and limit their exposure. They know that social media platforms like Facebook are unofficial news channels and deliver news tailored for you (some of it fake) based on your behaviors and preferences gleaned over the last decade. Algorithms are used to give you the news that you will most likely consume, and that the news skewed toward your preferences. This increases bias and the propensity to start rumors that increase distress.

For example, in a study conducted with 3,890 college students under a campus lockdown due to an active shooter, researchers found that regular substantive updates were vital during a crisis. They also stressed the importance of monitoring social media use during a crisis to mitigate exposure to rumors and subsequent distress (Jones et al., 2017).

5. They display self-compassion for lack of productivity.

There may be self or societal pressure to “be productive” with the increased time you may have at home. The question to ask yourself is, "Is it reasonable to be productive when we are at war?" It is important to understand that lack of focus, concentration, and overwhelming feelings are common during this time.

Abraham Maslow, Ph.D., used his seminal framework “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” to describe stages that we must pass through to achieve the high levels of self-actualization and creativity. The idea is that we are not able to reach the higher levels of the pyramid without a strong foundation. During a pandemic, most of us are temporarily housed in the first two levels of the pyramid; physiological and safety. Mentally strong people realize that when their physiological and safety needs feel threatened—such as during a pandemic—they don’t put pressure on themselves to produce or achieve.

6. They focus on facts.

Mentally strong individuals are acutely aware of when their emotions are "getting the best of them." According to Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we all have three states of mind: an emotional mind, a rational mind, and a wise mind. Our emotional mind is where emotional statements rule; the rational mind, where facts and logic prevail; and our wise mind is a blend between the two. Being emotional is natural during times of crisis, but consciously moving to a rational mind by listing facts and logic can decrease unnecessary negative states. For example, if someone is catastrophizing—i.e., “I am going to catch COVID-19 and die”—a rational mind approach would list the statistics and the evidence of the low percentage of individuals who die from COVID-19. Other rational statements may include “I have a low likelihood of contracting the disease because I am following stay-at-home orders, wearing a mask,” etc.

7. They meditate.

The benefits of meditation include anxiety reduction, reduced stress, increased attention span, decreased depression, and improved emotional health and well being. Studies have found that long term meditators are able to return to baseline quicker (state of calm) versus non-meditators after exposure to stressful stimuli.

8. They limit toxic people.

Mentally strong people understand toxic people and behaviors and limit their time with them. Behaviors such as gossip, chronic lying, being demanding, being self-centered on their needs vs. yours, are quite negative and take a toll on your well being. While you may be able to tolerate some toxicity with friends, family, and colleagues during non-pandemic times, eliminating toxic energy is vital when you are in survival mode during COVID-19.

If it is a toxic family member, think about limiting exposure or using email or text to communicate. As mentally strong people choose leaders to follow, it is just as important to choose to spend time with loved ones who display healthy behaviors and add to your well-being, not detract from it.

9. They focus on self-care.

Mentally strong people consistently use self-care and attempt to be flexible with new routines. As many gyms are closed, they may choose other exercise options while remaining socially distanced, such as running, walking, biking, and doing yoga. They prioritize things that will help them through the pandemic such as raising their vibration with laughter and connecting with their family and friends, coupled with rest and good sleep hygiene.

10. They know their personality needs: introvert vs. extrovert.

Mentally strong people know themselves and what they need to feel supported. Those that are introverted focus on internal states of being and small gatherings versus external sources of stimulation (a lot of socializing). Introverts often feel drained after heavy socializing and need to recharge their energy in solitude. Conversely, extroverts gain energy from other people and enjoy many social activities. Introverts realize they may have a need to connect virtually, using Facetime, Zoom, Skype, and Google hangouts, but may do so in small groups and less often than extroverts. Both personalities may have different needs to promote well being.

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This article was originally published on drtracyhutchinson.com

copyright Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.

Facebook image: AnnaStills/Shutterstock

References

Ahern, J., Galea, S., Resnick, H. (2002). Television images and psychological symptoms after the September 11 terrorist attacks. Psychiatry, 65, 289–300. doi:10.1521/psyc.65.4.289.20240

Garfin, D. R., Silver, R. C., & Holman, E. A. (2020). The novel coronavirus (COVID-2019) outbreak: Amplification of public health consequences by media exposure. Health Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/hea0000875

Holman, E. A., Garfin, D. R., Lubens, P., & Silver, R. C. (2020). Media Exposure to Collective Trauma, Mental Health, and Functioning: Does It Matter What You See? Clinical Psychological Science, 8(1), 111–124. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702619858300

Jones, N. M., Thompson, R., Dunkel Schetter, C. & Silver, R. (2017). Distress and rumor exposure on social media during a campus lockdown.  Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 114 (44) 11663-11668. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1708518114

Joseph, S., & Linley, P. A. (Eds.). (2008). Trauma, recovery, and growth: Positive psychological perspectives on posttraumatic stress. John Wiley & Sons Inc.

Thompson, R. R., Jones, N. M., Holman, E. A., & Silver, R. C. (2019). Media exposure to mass violence events can fuel a cycle of distress. Science advances, 5(4), eaav3502. https://doi.org/10.1126/sciadv.aav3502

[toldnews-blog]

New Post has been published on https://toldnews.com/technology/entertainment/avengers-endgame-the-screenwriters-answer-every-question-you-might-have/

‘Avengers: Endgame’: The Screenwriters Answer Every Question You Might Have

This article contains spoilers for “Avengers: Endgame.”

It’s over.

With “Avengers: Endgame,” the two-movie story line that started with “Avengers: Infinity War” is finished, along with the 22-film cycle that represents the Marvel Cinematic Universe to date. And some of the heroes we’ve followed on this decade-long adventure are gone, too.

In the three-hour span of “Endgame,” the Avengers confront and kill Thanos (Josh Brolin), who had used the Infinity Gauntlet to snap away half of all life in the universe. When the story resumes five years later, the Avengers are still left with their grief and remorse — until the unexpected return of Ant-Man (Paul Rudd) kicks off a race back through time to retrieve the Infinity Stones before Thanos could obtain them in the first place. Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) sacrifices her life; a colossal battle ensues; Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) dies; and Captain America (Chris Evans) finds a way to live the life he’d always wanted, reappearing as an old man to entrust his shield to the Falcon (Anthony Mackie).

These and many other head-spinning developments in “Endgame” emerged from the imaginations of its screenwriters, Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, who also wrote “Infinity War.” (Both films were directed by Joe and Anthony Russo.) Markus and McFeely have been friends and collaborators since the 1990s and also wrote all three “Captain America” movies as well as “Thor: The Dark World” (with Christopher L. Yost) and created the Marvel TV series “Agent Carter.”

In a recent interview in their offices in Los Angeles, Markus and McFeely discussed the many choices and possibilities of “Endgame,” the roads not taken and the decisions behind who lived and who died. These are edited excerpts from that conversation.

Deciding the Plot Points

How did you decide where the major events of “Infinity War” and “Endgame” would fall? CHRISTOPHER MARKUS The biggest point was probably the Snap. And we realized fairly early on that if we didn’t do it at the end of the first movie, the first movie wasn’t going to have an end. And if we did it too early in the first movie, it would be a bit of an anticlimax after you’ve killed half the universe to have them stumbling around for half an hour. STEPHEN McFEELY Another big plot point is when everyone comes back. So the question is, is it early in the second movie? Late in the second movie? You notice the players left on the board are the O.G. Avengers [Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye], and let’s give them their due. It meant that we were likely going to bring people back late. So that if you were a big fan of Doctor Strange or Black Panther or Bucky [the Winter Soldier] or Sam [the Falcon], you’re only going to get a little brief window on them. It can’t be all things to all people.

How did you choose which characters would survive for “Endgame”?

MARKUS We knew we wanted to see Cap and Tony dealing with the aftermath so that you could really see them suffer, quite frankly. And that’s why Cap and Natasha are relatively minimal in the first movie, because all they’d be doing is punching. We knew that they had a lot of story in the second movie, and there were other people who would have much more story in the first movie, like the Guardians. McFEELY Thor is strangely the one that gets two movies’ worth of story. MARKUS For a guy people once thought of as boring, he’s become very useful.

“Endgame” sort of tricks you by having the heroes kill Thanos almost immediately, only to discover it doesn’t solve anything. Why was that important? McFEELY We always had this problem. The guy has the ultimate weapon. He can see it coming. It’s ridiculous. We were just banging our heads for weeks, and at some point, [the executive producer] Trinh Tran went, “Can’t we just kill him?” And we all went, “What happens if you just kill him? Why would you kill him? Why would he let you kill him?” MARKUS It reinforced Thanos’s agenda. He was done. Not to make him too Christ-like, but it was like, “If I’ve got to die, I can die now.”

There’s a lot of bleakness and despair for roughly the first hour of the movie. Did that feel like a risk for a big-event picture? MARKUS It felt less risky once I saw the reaction to “Infinity War.” You never know how you’re going to hit people, emotionally. We’ve been sitting with these events for years. We no longer have an emotional reaction. And then you see people crying in the theater. We’ve got to honor that or it’s going to feel like we’re just jerking them around. McFEELY It was the part in test screenings where people were most uncomfortable. Because you are wallowing to a degree. There doesn’t seem to be any hope. In the end of Act II for most superhero movies, maybe they lose for five minutes. Here it’s for five years. That seemed important.

And that theme of loss is continued when Scott Lang visits a memorial to the dead in San Francisco. McFEELY We used to have beats in the script where there are those in every city. Millions of names. MARKUS It’s that sense of collective trauma and the fact that if you weren’t killed, you wake up the next day — the trauma happened and I’m still here. How do we deal with this? That was the Stan Lee trick. Where’s the anxiety coming from? Now that they have Power X.

Character Arcs

How did you start to determine the trajectories for the heroes in “Endgame”? McFEELY Chris and I wrote a master document while we were shooting “Civil War,” and one of the things we were interested in exploring is, remember the What If comics? Well, this is our what if. If you lost, Thor becomes fat. Natasha becomes a shut-in. Steve becomes depressed. Tony gets on with his life. Hulk is a superhero. MARKUS Clint becomes a murdering maniac. When we were spitballing for “Endgame,” we started with, Thor’s on a mission of vengeance. And then we were like, he was on a mission of vengeance in the last movie. This is all this guy ever does! And fails, all the time. Let’s drive him into a wall and see what happens. McFEELY He just got drunk and fat.

At least the Hulk is in a better place. MARKUS There was a time when Banner became Smart Hulk in the first movie. It was a lot of fun, but it came at the wrong moment. It was an up, right when everyone else was down. McFEELY It happened in Wakanda. His arc was designed like, I’m not getting along with the Hulk, the Hulk won’t come out. And then they compromise and become Smart Hulk. MARKUS We were like, but he’s Smart Hulk in the next movie. So that diner scene [in “Endgame”], was like, O.K., how do we smash right into that without scenes of him in a lab, gene-splicing? McFEELY Oh, I wrote scenes in a lab. Now it’s just him eating pancakes and I think it generally works. MARKUS The whole thing rides on Rudd going, “I’m so confused.”

Though Ant-Man didn’t participate in “Infinity War,” we saw how the Snap affected him in the tag for “Ant-Man and the Wasp.” How did you decide to pay this off in “Endgame”? McFEELY In late 2015 they say, you’re writing the 19th movie [“Infinity War”] and the 22nd movie. So we chose to make lemonade. And that was a big moment — we figured out we can withhold Ant-Man because he’s in his own movie. And their movie is not affected until the tag, and that just gives us a place to go [in “Endgame”]. You can do this when you’re planning ahead this much. The tone is all weird, right? Because that’s a light, fun movie and then we just kill everybody in the tag.

Hawkeye took arguably the darkest turn of any hero in this series.

McFEELY He’s a good example of people who had much stronger stories after the Snap. What was the story to tell with Hawkeye in the first movie that was different than anybody else’s? Leaving his family to go fight again? Yeah, he did that in “Civil War.” The hope is that he’s killing bad people. MARKUS There was a time where we contemplated having that archery scene in the first movie, after the Snap. You snap, and then you pop up in Clint’s farm — what are we watching? — and that’s the first indication it had a wider effect. But he literally had not been in the movie prior to that point. It’s cool, but it’s going to blunt the brutality of what [Thanos] did. McFEELY Joe [Russo] said we’ll put that up front in the second one.

Once you’d seen how successful “Black Panther” and “Captain Marvel” were, did you try to find more opportunities for the characters from those films? McFEELY There wasn’t a lot of time to adjust. It’s not like we could say, “Hurry, put Shuri in there.” We started [filming “Infinity War” and “Endgame”], and then “Black Panther” started, we’re still going. They finish. We’re still going. MARKUS “Panther” comes out. McFEELY When we’re doing the tests [before “Black Panther” opened], and Cap goes, “I know somewhere,” and then you cut to Wakanda, the audience goes, “Oh, that’s interesting.” But when you do those tests after the movie comes out, all you have to do is [makes drumming noises] and people freak out. Same issue with “Captain Marvel.” We shot [Brie Larson] before she shot her movie. She’s saying lines for a character 20 years after her origin story, which no one’s written yet. It’s just nuts.

MARKUS She’s been in space nearly half her life. She has obligations. McFEELY Certainly, Captain Marvel is in [“Endgame”] a little less than you would have thought. But that’s not the story we’re trying to tell — it’s the original Avengers dealing with loss and coming to a conclusion, and she’s the new, fresh blood.

Were there any Marvel characters you wanted for these movies that you couldn’t have? MARKUS We did try to put the Living Tribunal in the first movie. We wrote a scene in which he appeared during the Titan fight. And everyone was like, what? McFEELY Whoa. He’s got three heads. It would indicate a whole different level of architecture to the universe and I think that was too much to just throw in. MARKUS The idea’s still in [Marvel Studios President] Kevin [Feige]’s court. McFEELY Oh sure, we probably just spoiled it. MARKUS The Living Tribunal has his own streaming show. McFEELY It’s like “Judge Judy.”

Adventures in Time Travel

Early in “Endgame,” the movie jumps ahead five years. Was that inspired by some TV series that have also used this device? MARKUS That was what we bought ourselves by ending the last movie the way we did. We wanted it to be real and for a long time — both in movie time and in chronological time for the characters. You couldn’t end Natasha, Tony and Steve the way we do without knowing that they’ve done their time and this is taking them to the brink. McFEELY We talked about “Fargo” from the first season, where it just jumps a year. And you go, “Whaaaaat?” We hopefully get a similar reaction. MARKUS And when “Lost” had their flash forwards, you were like, how’d that happen?

Where did the idea for the time-travel story line come from? McFEELY Kevin [Feige] at one point said, I would like to use the Time Stone, or use time as an element. It let us spend a few weeks seeing what’s the kookiest thing we could do with time and not break the movie. MARKUS We all sat there going, really? We’re going to do time travel? It was only when we were looking at who we had available, character-wise; we hadn’t used Ant-Man yet. And there really is, in people’s theory of the Quantum Realm, a time thing in the M.C.U., right now, available to us, with a character we haven’t used yet. We have a loophole that’s not cheating.

It’s crucial to your film that in your formulation of time travel, changes to the past don’t alter our present. How did you decide this? MARKUS We looked at a lot of time-travel stories and went, it doesn’t work that way. McFEELY It was by necessity. If you have six MacGuffins and every time you go back it changes something, you’ve got Biff’s casino, exponentially. So we just couldn’t do that. We had physicists come in — more than one — who said, basically, “Back to the Future” is . MARKUS Basically said what the Hulk says in that scene, which is, if you go to the past, then the present becomes your past and the past becomes your future. So there’s absolutely no reason it would change.

Did you try any other approaches to the time-travel story? McFEELY In the first draft, we didn’t go back to the [original]“Avengers” movie. We went back to Asgard. But there’s a moment in the M.C.U., if you’re paying very close attention, where the Aether is there and the Tesseract is in the vault. In that iteration, we were interested in Tony going to Asgard. He had a stealth suit, so he was invisible, and he fought Heimdall, who could see him. MARKUS Thor had long scenes with Natalie Portman. And Morag [the planet where Peter Quill finds the Orb] was hugely complicated. McFEELY It was underwater! That was clever but it was just too big a set piece. What that didn’t do is allow for Thanos and his daughters to get on the trail at the right moment. So we went back to when Peter Quill was there. And we realized that when you can punch Quill in the face, it’s hilarious. I still think it’s hilarious. MARKUS There were entirely other trips taken. They went to the Triskelion at one point to get the [Tesseract], and then somebody was going to get into a car and drive to Doctor Strange’s house. McFEELY Just saying it out loud, it’s like, what are we doing? MARKUS It was when we were trying to avoid going to ��Avengers” because it seemed pander-y. McFEELY We’re not always right. MARKUS The obvious ones seemed so obvious that it’s too obvious. McFEELY Eventually, Joe Russo went, why are we going to this movie when we can go to “Avengers?” Let’s make it work.

Thor recovers his hammer, Mjolnir, by taking it from an earlier timeline. So that raises the question — McFEELY Does that screw that other Thor? MARKUS Is he killed by Dark Elves? McFEELY I think we’re leaning on, when you just take a baseball mitt, you didn’t ruin that kid’s life. When you took Mjolnir, we accept that that movie happened. Because time is irrefutable. MARKUS You can make any number of what ifs. The Dark Elves would have arrived, intending to get the Aether. It’s what they came for and it was no longer there. McFEELY So they build a paradise together. MARKUS They all got married. [laughter]

There’s a surprise cameo, in the “Avengers” scene, from Robert Redford as Alexander Pierce. Did you prepare for other scenarios if Redford wasn’t available? McFEELY That was one where we thought, should it be Nick Fury? We also wrote a version for Maria Hill. That whole time, they’re announcing “Old Man With a Gun” as Redford’s last appearance on film. It’s the last time you’re going to see Robert Redford. And we’re going — [shoots conspiratorial look at Markus] [Laughter]

The Final Battle

How did Marvel feel when you told them you envisioned a massive battle royal with nearly every character from the franchise? MARKUS I think they knew it was coming. McFEELY It’s why it took so long. We shot for 200 days for two movies. MARKUS We wrote and shot an even much longer battle, with its own three-act structure.

Were there scenes you wrote for this sequence that didn’t make it into the film? McFEELY It didn’t play well, but we had a scene in a trench where, for reasons, the battle got paused for about three minutes and now there’s 18 people all going, “What are we going to do?” “I’m going to do this.” “I’m going to do this.” Just bouncing around this completely fake, fraudulent scene. When you have that many people, it invariably is, one line, one line, one line. And that’s not a natural conversation. MARKUS It also required them to find enough shelter to have a conversation in the middle of the biggest battle. It wasn’t a polite World War I battle where you have a moment.

How did you coordinate the moment where all the female Marvel heroes come together? McFEELY There was much conversation. Is that delightful or is it pandering? We went around and around on that. Ultimately we went, we like it too much. MARKUS Part of the fun of the “Avengers” movies has always been team-ups. Marvel has been amassing this huge roster of characters. You’ve got crazy aliens. You’ve got that many badass women. You’ve got three or four people in Iron Man suits.

Were there other characters you could’ve had but didn’t use? MARKUS There were moments, as they brought everybody back, where we’re like, technically, Michael Douglas and Michelle Pfeiffer have [Ant-Man] suits. Do we bring them back? It became impossible to track the people we did bring back, but also, it’s just going to be an orgy. McFEELY Do you put Luke Cage in there?

Did you consider using the heroes from the Netflix TV shows, like Daredevil or Jessica Jones? McFEELY We would have to introduce these five characters — or whatever many. We already are assuming people have seen a lot of the movies. Are we really going to assume they have bought a subscription to Netflix and watched those shows enough so that when they see them, they’re going to go “yay?” MARKUS It also screws up the timelines. You would have to assume that they all got snapped away, or otherwise they might have shown up earlier. I think the only character who has come from TV to the movies is Jarvis, James D’Arcy [from “Agent Carter”].

Could you have used any of the characters that Disney obtained from the Fox acquisition, like the X-Men or Fantastic Four? McFEELY Legally, not allowed to. MARKUS I guess it’s done now but it wasn’t done then. They still have an “X-Men” movie [“Dark Phoenix,” due in June]. You can’t reboot them before they’re done. “Sorry to completely screw you.”

“Endgame” shares some unexpected parallels with “Game of Thrones,” which also recently ran episodes about its heroes preparing for a significant battle and then the battle itself. Why do you think these narratives are similar? Did you ever look at “Game of Thrones” for inspiration? MARKUS We’re in a high-stakes time and a jarring time in history, where you have to contemplate what you’re willing to do to improve the situation. Whether or not everyone’s speaking to that, or just good old-fashioned storytelling, I don’t know. McFEELY Marvel has been accused of being the most expensive television show there is, and there’s some truth to that. The genres are different, the tones are different, but it’s serialized storytelling. MARKUS We occasionally wonder, did we just make the world’s most expensive inside-baseball fan service? But then we go, the fans are actually the majority of people who come to this. It’s inside baseball, but everyone is following the baseball. That’s also why the Marvel characters have lasted this long. They’re weird. They have strange quirks. McFEELY The bland ones don’t last. MARKUS I remember “Game of Thrones” being a reference for the first movie. How far apart can you keep these strands, and for how long, and still feel like you’re telling a single narrative? “Game of Thrones” has people who are just meeting now! As much as people think the culture’s going down the drain, there seems to be an elevating of people’s estimating of the kind of narrative that will succeed in popular culture. McFEELY Whatever you think of this movie, it’s complicated. It is not another sequel. MARKUS And a lot of popular TV is complicated. “This Is Us” is complicated. “Simon & Simon” was not that complicated. Great as it was. But it does seem like there is an acceptance of more complicated forms of storytelling.

Was the three-hour running time of “Endgame” ever in question? MARKUS There was an agreement within the whole group that we’re going to take our time; we’re not going to cut a half-hour of it so we can get one more screening in per day. McFEELY We couldn’t! Where are you going to cut a half-hour? There was not a sequence you could cut. MARKUS Look at some of the most popular movies of all time. They’re long as hell. When people want to see something, it doesn’t seem to get in their way. There’s some short, totally unsuccessful movies, too.

Journey’s End

Why does Natasha Romanoff have to die? McFEELY Her journey, in our minds, had come to an end if she could get the Avengers back. She comes from such an abusive, terrible, mind-control background, so when she gets to Vormir and she has a chance to get the family back, that’s a thing she would trade for. The toughest thing for us was we were always worried that people weren’t going to have time to be sad enough. The stakes are still out there and they haven’t solved the problem. But we lost a big character — a female character — how do we honor it? We have this male lens and it’s a lot of guys being sad that a woman died. MARKUS Tony gets a funeral. Natasha doesn’t. That’s partly because Tony’s this massive public figure and she’s been a cipher the whole time. It wasn’t necessarily honest to the character to give her a funeral. The biggest question about it is what Thor raises there on the dock. “We have the Infinity Stones. Why don’t we just bring her back?” McFEELY But that’s the everlasting exchange. You bring her back, you lose the stone.

Was there a possible outcome where Clint Barton sacrifices himself instead of her? McFEELY There was, for sure. Jen Underdahl, our visual effects producer, read an outline or draft where Hawkeye goes over. And she goes, “Don’t you take this away from her.” I actually get emotional thinking about it. MARKUS And it was true, it was him taking the hit for her. It was melodramatic to have him die and not get his family back. And it is only right and proper that she’s done.

And Tony Stark has to die as well? McFEELY Everyone knew this was going to be the end of Tony Stark. MARKUS I don’t think there were any mandates. If we had a good reason to not do it, certainly people would have entertained it. McFEELY The watchword was, end this chapter, and he started the chapter. MARKUS In a way, he has been the mirror of Steve Rogers the entire time. Steve is moving toward some sort of enlightened self-interest, and Tony’s moving to selflessness. They both get to their endpoints.

Were there any other outcomes you considered for Tony? MARKUS No. Because we had the opportunity to give him the perfect retirement life, within the movie. McFEELY He got that already. MARKUS That’s the life he’s been striving for. Are he and Pepper going to get together? Yes. They got married, they had a kid, it was great. It’s a good death. It doesn’t feel like a tragedy. It feels like a heroic, finished life.

And Cap was always going to be allowed his happy ending with Peggy Carter? McFEELY From the very first outline, we knew he was going to get his dance. On a separate subject, I started to lose my barometer on what was just fan service and what was good for the character. Because I think it’s good for the characters. But we also just gave you what you wanted. Is that good? I don’t know. But I’ll tell you, it’s satisfying. He’s postponed a life in order to fulfill his duty. That’s why I didn’t think we were ever going to kill him. Because that’s not the arc. The arc is, I finally get to put my shield down because I’ve earned that. MARKUS A hero without sacrifice, you’re not going to get the miles out of that person that you need to for these movies. That’s what makes them a hero, it’s not the powers.

“Endgame” sets up Sam Wilson as the new Captain America. Is that a future Marvel film? Would you write that? MARKUS We really do just know what you know. They’re doing “The Eternals,” which is a property I know next to nothing about. We’ve been here, trying to set this contraption running. Were we to take another one on, you can’t increase the scope or the stakes from where we are at the moment. We’d have to shrink it back down, do an origin story. There are deep-bench characters where I’m like, if you roll that guy out, I couldn’t resist. There is a great Moon Knight movie to be made, but I don’t know what is.

You’ve been writing these films and characters for more than a decade, and you never got bored of them — McFEELY Or fired. For sure. MARKUS We’ve come close to both. It’s a testament to the concept but also the people we’re working with. We’re not bumping up against this dictatorial level where it’s like, “I have some notes. I really want to see him fly a dragon — put the dragon in. I’m going to lunch.” McFEELY If we have an idea, people take it really seriously. They valued “Winter Soldier” and they saw how “Civil War” was coming together. They’d seen our process and us working with the [Russo] brothers, and they said, if Joss [Whedon] is not coming back — I don’t know that decision — it was clear that, unless they hated us, it was going to be this team. MARKUS But there also was a possibility, because “[Avengers: Age of Ultron”] made a little bit less than “Avengers” 1 — that we were taking on “Superman” 3 and 4. Maybe people were done with it. McFEELY The goal was not to advance it to the stratosphere. It was to just not screw it up.

Is this your Marvel finale as well? MARKUS I don’t know how to follow it up, that’s the problem. I’m not quite old enough to retire.

If “Endgame” has taught us anything, it’s that you should never retire. McFEELY Then they drag you out and kill you.

[assholemurphy]

so, i’m incredibly drunk rn. like absolutely trashed. it’s absolutely fantastic. i love this. i literally don’t feel a single bad thin at all. and i’m hoping i do a generally decent job of typing bc like, i feel the need to talk abt what just happened.

my brother recently moved in with me, so he was here when my friends and i decided to get drunk (and ofc we included him bc it’s polite) but now he’s pissed at me. bc i tole him not to make fun of me for my relationship w/my best friend. which he thought was hilarious. bc i was openly being vulnerable/showing i rly cared abt him. 

i just spent the last 2 hours laying on my best friend’s chest (pretty boy,m ofc, in cfase any of you weren’t aware of the human i care most abt in the world) and telling him i loved him and how much he means to me and all that gross shit you say when you’re drunk and have no inhibitions. and it’s true, i love that man more than i love anyone, he’s my best friend and i’de die for him, but my bro seemed to think this was funny. like i deserved to be shamed for caring abt another human being. bc ofc that’s something ppl should feel embarrassed abt.

so, when i told him not to say anything abt it, he asked me how embarrassed i wanted to be, and i snapped at him. bc that’s rude and i didn’t spend most of my childhood raising that fucker just for him to try to make me embarrassed abt how much i care for the one human being who has ever given a shit abt me, without asking for anything in return. pb has never asked any more of me than i can give, he’s pushed me to be a beeter person, and is always there when i need him to be, no matter what. so i finally told him how much he actually means to me, kind of. i held some stuff back bc i was aware i wasn’t alone in the room (rafiki (who i don’t mind knowing these things) and my bro were in the room, too) but there was much more i would have iked to tell him. like how much he means to me and how i’d die for him and how much i love him. i told him several times that i love him, but i’m not sure he understood the gravity of what that means. i don’t love ppl easily. it takes a lot to earn my trust, and even more to get me to feel comfortable enough to admit i rly, rly care abt you. and i care abt pb more than i’ve ever cared for anyone. period. he’s my best friend, i’d do literally anything for him, and somehow my bro thought that was something to make fun of me for??? after pb and rafiki left??? bc of course it’s okay to tell your trauma survivor sister that she should be embarrased for caring abt the one person who has never made her feel less than human, or broken, or wrong just for her trauma. to make her feel embarrassed bc she admitted to loving that person immensely. 

i think he’s a douchebag for making fun of me. for not seeing that saying those things made me feel incredibly vulnerable (a reason i’m sure factored into rafiki’s decision not to weigh in much). i think he’s a prick for making me feel like i should feel embarrassed for caring abt someone else, for loving them, for being loyal to them. there’s nothing pb could do that would make me not love him. he could use everything i’ve ever told him agaisnt me and i’d still care for him deeply, so my bro’s decision to treat that like a joke and ask me how embarrased i want to be when he tells everyone is just disgusting. i kind of hate him for it. esp bc he got pissed off at me for being upset, like any normal person would.

now, i love pb, but i’m not ‘in love’ with him. he’s one of the best human beings i’ve ever met and i’d do anything to ensure his happiness, but having someone else i care abt (albeit to a lesser degree) telling me i should feel embarrassed abt telling him i love him is just fucking gross. pb needs to know ppl care abt him,. i worry abt him constantly. he’s been hurt so often and doesn’t seem to see himself as the amazing human being he is. and sometimes i wish i was in love with him, so i could prove that someone will love him romanticall one da, that he’s deserving of that, but ik it wouldn’t change anything.

he keeps everything together for everone around him but he’s so fragile, so broken, that it kills me. he’s been hurt so often and he honestl doenst deserve that at all. like, this man is one of the best men i’ve ever encountered, i’d go so far as to sa he’s The Best. and v few ppl seem to see that and it’s fucked up.

so for my little brother to take advantage of a vulnerable and intimate confession (that i love pb so v much and that there’s nothing he could do to lose my loyalty) and turn it into his own entertainment is just disgusting. i thought i raised him better than that, but i see my parents rly did get to him.

but the thing is, i’m not embarrassed. there’s no one i wouldn’t tell how much i love him. he means more to me than any person i’ve ever met. he’s helped me more than any person i’ve ever met. he’s the best fucking human being humanity has to offer and to think i should be embarraseed for cfaring abt him is absolutely horrible.

there was a time when i would have been extremely embarrassed to admit i loved anyone that much, but not anymore. pb is the World’s Best Human and i will never doubt that. i love him more than anyone i’ve ever met and i’ll never stop. the only way i’d ever leave him is if he flat out told me to leave, and even then, i’d still remain loyal, i’d still love him, and if he ever needed me, i’d only be a call away.

i will never care as deeply for any friend as i do pretty boy, never. nobody has ever done half as much to earn my trust as he has. nobody has ever cared half as much abt me as he has. and i will NEVER feel embarrassed for caring abt him. he means the world to me. it’s not much to say i’d kill for someone, bc that’s easy to earn, but to say i’d die for someone is another thing entirely. and i’d die for him. there’s not a thing he could ask me for that i wouldn’t give him easily. he’s earned that. he’s been here for me when no one else stuck around. when i was broken, fucked up, and unloveable. he never asked me to be anything more than i am. he never asked me to do anything that would hurt me, tho i’d do anything for him.

there’s not a single person on earth that i value more, that i’d give more for, than him. i’d burn the whole world if it meant saving him. he’s the danny to my bones and i’d do anything for him. he’s my best friend, the one person whose life matters to me more than my own, and that’s saying a lot, considering i’m a survivor and i wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s. 

i sound like an overdramatic bitch, bc i am, i truly am, but v few ppl in my life have tried to earn my loyalty. v few have it. but he doesn’t even try, i don’t think. he’s just there. he’s so noble, so caring, that he doesn’t have to do anything special. he’s just an amazing human being. much better than i could ever hope to be, and i’ll never be able to show him how grateful i am to have him in my life.

i’m a drunk, overly emotional bitch rn, but if there’s one thing i know for sure, it’s that i will NEVER, ever be ashamed or embarrased of how much i care for him. he’s done more than anyone else in my life to earn that love, that loyalty, and i’ll never be ashamed of loving him. he’s such a great human and the fact that so many ppl refuse to see that astounds me. bc he’s the sweetest, kindest, most noble person i’ve ever met. no one else has ever rly given a shit abt me, and maybe i have low standards, but i don’t think so. i think that’s he’s genuinely the greatest person i’ve ever met. he cares so much that he wrecks himself in the process. i’ve never met another person who does that for the ppl they care abt. i always thought i was just overly caring and broken, but he does the same thing, only he does it better. and i hate that he takes so much onto himself. he doesn’t deserve to shoulder the weight of the world, not alone. i always thought that i was atlas, doomeed to carry the burden of everyone i cared abt, no matter how much they hurt me, but then i met pb, and i don’t have to hold up the sky on my own. 

he’s always talkign abt bricks and how i shouldn’t carry anyone’s but my own, and that’s incredibly hard, bc i was raised to take on the burden of everyone around me regardless of the toll it took on me. but then i found him, and he’s helped me with that. he’s not only helped me understand that some bricks aren’t mine to carry and i shouldn’t have to, but he’s offered 9and p much refused to let me decline) to help me with my own. and that. that means the world to me. bc in all my 23 years of life, not a single person has ever offered to help me with my own shit. i’ve always been expected to carry the weight of others’ burdens, but here he is, helping me with my own, and i don’t know how i’ll ever be able to repay him for what he’s done for me. he’s done more for me in the past year than my own family, all the people i’ve called my friends, have done for me in the entirity of my life. i literally wouldn’t be here without him (and rafiki and goldilocks, ofc, they’re def improtant, too). he’s saved my life, given me hope, taught me to let go of the bricks that aren’t mine, and helped me become a much better person. all in the span of a year. bc he’s a selfless, amazing, noble asshole who sees the hurt in the world and takes it upon himself.

and i will spend the rest of my life making sure he knows he doesn’t have to carry that weight on his own.

so fuck my brother. fuck him for being an asshole who doesn’t understand basic human connection. fuck him for thinking i should be embarrassed or ashamed for admitting i love my friend. fuck him for being a juvenile little bitch who only cares abt how he can embarrass other ppl. he could tell the whole world what i said tonight. he could tell them all how vulnerable and open i let myself be. he could use it against me for the next 50 years. and still, i would not feel ashamed to admit i love my friend. i would not feel ashamed to make myself vulnerable around pretty boy. i don’t care if the entire world thinks i’m in love with him or if they think i’m pathetic for caring so much. i love him and i’ll never pretend i don’t. i shouldn’t have to. fuck what anyone thinks. there’s not a single human being on the planet more deserving of love (not just mine, but in general) as he is. and i will do everything i can to make him see that. bc he doesn’t, and that kills me.

i never rly believed in happy endings, i’m not sure i do even now, but if i know one thing, it’s that nobody i’ve ever met desreves a happy ending than he does. and that’s a goddamn fact.

[biofunmy]

‘Avengers: Endgame’: The Screenwriters Answer Every Question You Might Have

This article contains spoilers for “Avengers: Endgame.”

It’s over.

With “Avengers: Endgame,” the two-movie story line that started with “Avengers: Infinity War” is finished, along with the 22-film cycle that represents the Marvel Cinematic Universe to date. And some of the heroes we’ve followed on this decade-long adventure are gone, too.

In the three-hour span of “Endgame,” the Avengers confront and kill Thanos (Josh Brolin), who had used the Infinity Gauntlet to snap away half of all life in the universe. When the story resumes five years later, the Avengers are still left with their grief and remorse — until the unexpected return of Ant-Man (Paul Rudd) kicks off a race back through time to retrieve the Infinity Stones before Thanos could obtain them in the first place. Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) sacrifices her life; a colossal battle ensues; Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) dies; and Captain America (Chris Evans) finds a way to live the life he’d always wanted, reappearing as an old man to entrust his shield to the Falcon (Anthony Mackie).

These and many other head-spinning developments in “Endgame” emerged from the imaginations of its screenwriters, Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, who also wrote “Infinity War.” (Both films were directed by Joe and Anthony Russo.) Markus and McFeely have been friends and collaborators since the 1990s and also wrote all three “Captain America” movies as well as “Thor: The Dark World” (with Christopher L. Yost) and created the Marvel TV series “Agent Carter.”

In a recent interview in their offices in Los Angeles, Markus and McFeely discussed the many choices and possibilities of “Endgame,” the roads not taken and the decisions behind who lived and who died. These are edited excerpts from that conversation.

Deciding the Plot Points

How did you decide where the major events of “Infinity War” and “Endgame” would fall? CHRISTOPHER MARKUS The biggest point was probably the Snap. And we realized fairly early on that if we didn’t do it at the end of the first movie, the first movie wasn’t going to have an end. And if we did it too early in the first movie, it would be a bit of an anticlimax after you’ve killed half the universe to have them stumbling around for half an hour. STEPHEN McFEELY Another big plot point is when everyone comes back. So the question is, is it early in the second movie? Late in the second movie? You notice the players left on the board are the O.G. Avengers [Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye], and let’s give them their due. It meant that we were likely going to bring people back late. So that if you were a big fan of Doctor Strange or Black Panther or Bucky [the Winter Soldier] or Sam [the Falcon], you’re only going to get a little brief window on them. It can’t be all things to all people.

How did you choose which characters would survive for “Endgame”?

MARKUS We knew we wanted to see Cap and Tony dealing with the aftermath so that you could really see them suffer, quite frankly. And that’s why Cap and Natasha are relatively minimal in the first movie, because all they’d be doing is punching. We knew that they had a lot of story in the second movie, and there were other people who would have much more story in the first movie, like the Guardians. McFEELY Thor is strangely the one that gets two movies’ worth of story. MARKUS For a guy people once thought of as boring, he’s become very useful.

“Endgame” sort of tricks you by having the heroes kill Thanos almost immediately, only to discover it doesn’t solve anything. Why was that important? McFEELY We always had this problem. The guy has the ultimate weapon. He can see it coming. It’s ridiculous. We were just banging our heads for weeks, and at some point, [the executive producer] Trinh Tran went, “Can’t we just kill him?” And we all went, “What happens if you just kill him? Why would you kill him? Why would he let you kill him?” MARKUS It reinforced Thanos’s agenda. He was done. Not to make him too Christ-like, but it was like, “If I’ve got to die, I can die now.”

There’s a lot of bleakness and despair for roughly the first hour of the movie. Did that feel like a risk for a big-event picture? MARKUS It felt less risky once I saw the reaction to “Infinity War.” You never know how you’re going to hit people, emotionally. We’ve been sitting with these events for years. We no longer have an emotional reaction. And then you see people crying in the theater. We’ve got to honor that or it’s going to feel like we’re just jerking them around. McFEELY It was the part in test screenings where people were most uncomfortable. Because you are wallowing to a degree. There doesn’t seem to be any hope. In the end of Act II for most superhero movies, maybe they lose for five minutes. Here it’s for five years. That seemed important.

And that theme of loss is continued when Scott Lang visits a memorial to the dead in San Francisco. McFEELY We used to have beats in the script where there are those in every city. Millions of names. MARKUS It’s that sense of collective trauma and the fact that if you weren’t killed, you wake up the next day — the trauma happened and I’m still here. How do we deal with this? That was the Stan Lee trick. Where’s the anxiety coming from? Now that they have Power X.

Character Arcs

How did you start to determine the trajectories for the heroes in “Endgame”? McFEELY Chris and I wrote a master document while we were shooting “Civil War,” and one of the things we were interested in exploring is, remember the What If comics? Well, this is our what if. If you lost, Thor becomes fat. Natasha becomes a shut-in. Steve becomes depressed. Tony gets on with his life. Hulk is a superhero. MARKUS Clint becomes a murdering maniac. When we were spitballing for “Endgame,” we started with, Thor’s on a mission of vengeance. And then we were like, he was on a mission of vengeance in the last movie. This is all this guy ever does! And fails, all the time. Let’s drive him into a wall and see what happens. McFEELY He just got drunk and fat.

At least the Hulk is in a better place. MARKUS There was a time when Banner became Smart Hulk in the first movie. It was a lot of fun, but it came at the wrong moment. It was an up, right when everyone else was down. McFEELY It happened in Wakanda. His arc was designed like, I’m not getting along with the Hulk, the Hulk won’t come out. And then they compromise and become Smart Hulk. MARKUS We were like, but he’s Smart Hulk in the next movie. So that diner scene [in “Endgame”], was like, O.K., how do we smash right into that without scenes of him in a lab, gene-splicing? McFEELY Oh, I wrote scenes in a lab. Now it’s just him eating pancakes and I think it generally works. MARKUS The whole thing rides on Rudd going, “I’m so confused.”

Though Ant-Man didn’t participate in “Infinity War,” we saw how the Snap affected him in the tag for “Ant-Man and the Wasp.” How did you decide to pay this off in “Endgame”? McFEELY In late 2015 they say, you’re writing the 19th movie [“Infinity War”] and the 22nd movie. So we chose to make lemonade. And that was a big moment — we figured out we can withhold Ant-Man because he’s in his own movie. And their movie is not affected until the tag, and that just gives us a place to go [in “Endgame”]. You can do this when you’re planning ahead this much. The tone is all weird, right? Because that’s a light, fun movie and then we just kill everybody in the tag.

Hawkeye took arguably the darkest turn of any hero in this series.

McFEELY He’s a good example of people who had much stronger stories after the Snap. What was the story to tell with Hawkeye in the first movie that was different than anybody else’s? Leaving his family to go fight again? Yeah, he did that in “Civil War.” The hope is that he’s killing bad people. MARKUS There was a time where we contemplated having that archery scene in the first movie, after the Snap. You snap, and then you pop up in Clint’s farm — what are we watching? — and that’s the first indication it had a wider effect. But he literally had not been in the movie prior to that point. It’s cool, but it’s going to blunt the brutality of what [Thanos] did. McFEELY Joe [Russo] said we’ll put that up front in the second one.

Once you’d seen how successful “Black Panther” and “Captain Marvel” were, did you try to find more opportunities for the characters from those films? McFEELY There wasn’t a lot of time to adjust. It’s not like we could say, “Hurry, put Shuri in there.” We started [filming “Infinity War” and “Endgame”], and then “Black Panther” started, we’re still going. They finish. We’re still going. MARKUS “Panther” comes out. McFEELY When we’re doing the tests [before “Black Panther” opened], and Cap goes, “I know somewhere,” and then you cut to Wakanda, the audience goes, “Oh, that’s interesting.” But when you do those tests after the movie comes out, all you have to do is [makes drumming noises] and people freak out. Same issue with “Captain Marvel.” We shot [Brie Larson] before she shot her movie. She’s saying lines for a character 20 years after her origin story, which no one’s written yet. It’s just nuts.

MARKUS She’s been in space nearly half her life. She has obligations. McFEELY Certainly, Captain Marvel is in [“Endgame”] a little less than you would have thought. But that’s not the story we’re trying to tell — it’s the original Avengers dealing with loss and coming to a conclusion, and she’s the new, fresh blood.

Were there any Marvel characters you wanted for these movies that you couldn’t have? MARKUS We did try to put the Living Tribunal in the first movie. We wrote a scene in which he appeared during the Titan fight. And everyone was like, what? McFEELY Whoa. He’s got three heads. It would indicate a whole different level of architecture to the universe and I think that was too much to just throw in. MARKUS The idea’s still in [Marvel Studios President] Kevin [Feige]’s court. McFEELY Oh sure, we probably just spoiled it. MARKUS The Living Tribunal has his own streaming show. McFEELY It’s like “Judge Judy.”

Adventures in Time Travel

Early in “Endgame,” the movie jumps ahead five years. Was that inspired by some TV series that have also used this device? MARKUS That was what we bought ourselves by ending the last movie the way we did. We wanted it to be real and for a long time — both in movie time and in chronological time for the characters. You couldn’t end Natasha, Tony and Steve the way we do without knowing that they’ve done their time and this is taking them to the brink. McFEELY We talked about “Fargo” from the first season, where it just jumps a year. And you go, “Whaaaaat?” We hopefully get a similar reaction. MARKUS And when “Lost” had their flash forwards, you were like, how’d that happen?

Where did the idea for the time-travel story line come from? McFEELY Kevin [Feige] at one point said, I would like to use the Time Stone, or use time as an element. It let us spend a few weeks seeing what’s the kookiest thing we could do with time and not break the movie. MARKUS We all sat there going, really? We’re going to do time travel? It was only when we were looking at who we had available, character-wise; we hadn’t used Ant-Man yet. And there really is, in people’s theory of the Quantum Realm, a time thing in the M.C.U., right now, available to us, with a character we haven’t used yet. We have a loophole that’s not cheating.

It’s crucial to your film that in your formulation of time travel, changes to the past don’t alter our present. How did you decide this? MARKUS We looked at a lot of time-travel stories and went, it doesn’t work that way. McFEELY It was by necessity. If you have six MacGuffins and every time you go back it changes something, you’ve got Biff’s casino, exponentially. So we just couldn’t do that. We had physicists come in — more than one — who said, basically, “Back to the Future” is [wrong]. MARKUS Basically said what the Hulk says in that scene, which is, if you go to the past, then the present becomes your past and the past becomes your future. So there’s absolutely no reason it would change.

Did you try any other approaches to the time-travel story? McFEELY In the first draft, we didn’t go back to the [original]“Avengers” movie. We went back to Asgard. But there’s a moment in the M.C.U., if you’re paying very close attention, where the Aether is there and the Tesseract is in the vault. In that iteration, we were interested in Tony going to Asgard. He had a stealth suit, so he was invisible, and he fought Heimdall, who could see him. MARKUS Thor had long scenes with Natalie Portman. And Morag [the planet where Peter Quill finds the Orb] was hugely complicated. McFEELY It was underwater! That was clever but it was just too big a set piece. What that didn’t do is allow for Thanos and his daughters to get on the trail at the right moment. So we went back to when Peter Quill was there. And we realized that when you can punch Quill in the face, it’s hilarious. I still think it’s hilarious. MARKUS There were entirely other trips taken. They went to the Triskelion at one point to get the [Tesseract], and then somebody was going to get into a car and drive to Doctor Strange’s house. McFEELY Just saying it out loud, it’s like, what are we doing? MARKUS It was when we were trying to avoid going to “Avengers” because it seemed pander-y. McFEELY We’re not always right. MARKUS The obvious ones seemed so obvious that it’s too obvious. McFEELY Eventually, Joe Russo went, why are we going to this movie when we can go to “Avengers?” Let’s make it work.

Thor recovers his hammer, Mjolnir, by taking it from an earlier timeline. So that raises the question — McFEELY Does that screw that other Thor? MARKUS Is he killed by Dark Elves? McFEELY I think we’re leaning on, when you just take a baseball mitt, you didn’t ruin that kid’s life. When you took Mjolnir, we accept that that movie happened. Because time is irrefutable. MARKUS You can make any number of what ifs. The Dark Elves would have arrived, intending to get the Aether. It’s what they came for and it was no longer there. McFEELY So they build a paradise together. MARKUS They all got married. [laughter]

There’s a surprise cameo, in the “Avengers” scene, from Robert Redford as Alexander Pierce. Did you prepare for other scenarios if Redford wasn’t available? McFEELY That was one where we thought, should it be Nick Fury? We also wrote a version for Maria Hill. That whole time, they’re announcing “Old Man With a Gun” as Redford’s last appearance on film. It’s the last time you’re going to see Robert Redford. And we’re going — [shoots conspiratorial look at Markus] [Laughter]

The Final Battle

How did Marvel feel when you told them you envisioned a massive battle royal with nearly every character from the franchise? MARKUS I think they knew it was coming. McFEELY It’s why it took so long. We shot for 200 days for two movies. MARKUS We wrote and shot an even much longer battle, with its own three-act structure.

Were there scenes you wrote for this sequence that didn’t make it into the film? McFEELY It didn’t play well, but we had a scene in a trench where, for reasons, the battle got paused for about three minutes and now there’s 18 people all going, “What are we going to do?” “I’m going to do this.” “I’m going to do this.” Just bouncing around this completely fake, fraudulent scene. When you have that many people, it invariably is, one line, one line, one line. And that’s not a natural conversation. MARKUS It also required them to find enough shelter to have a conversation in the middle of the biggest battle. It wasn’t a polite World War I battle where you have a moment.

How did you coordinate the moment where all the female Marvel heroes come together? McFEELY There was much conversation. Is that delightful or is it pandering? We went around and around on that. Ultimately we went, we like it too much. MARKUS Part of the fun of the “Avengers” movies has always been team-ups. Marvel has been amassing this huge roster of characters. You’ve got crazy aliens. You’ve got that many badass women. You’ve got three or four people in Iron Man suits.

Were there other characters you could’ve had but didn’t use? MARKUS There were moments, as they brought everybody back, where we’re like, technically, Michael Douglas and Michelle Pfeiffer have [Ant-Man] suits. Do we bring them back? It became impossible to track the people we did bring back, but also, it’s just going to be an orgy. McFEELY Do you put Luke Cage in there?

Did you consider using the heroes from the Netflix TV shows, like Daredevil or Jessica Jones? McFEELY We would have to introduce these five characters — or whatever many. We already are assuming people have seen a lot of the movies. Are we really going to assume they have bought a subscription to Netflix and watched those shows enough so that when they see them, they’re going to go “yay?” MARKUS It also screws up the timelines. You would have to assume that they all got snapped away, or otherwise they might have shown up earlier. I think the only character who has come from TV to the movies is Jarvis, James D’Arcy [from “Agent Carter”].

Could you have used any of the characters that Disney obtained from the Fox acquisition, like the X-Men or Fantastic Four? McFEELY Legally, not allowed to. MARKUS I guess it’s done now but it wasn’t done then. They still have an “X-Men” movie [“Dark Phoenix,” due in June]. You can’t reboot them before they’re done. “Sorry to completely screw you.”

“Endgame” shares some unexpected parallels with “Game of Thrones,” which also recently ran episodes about its heroes preparing for a significant battle and then the battle itself. Why do you think these narratives are similar? Did you ever look at “Game of Thrones” for inspiration? MARKUS We’re in a high-stakes time and a jarring time in history, where you have to contemplate what you’re willing to do to improve the situation. Whether or not everyone’s speaking to that, or just good old-fashioned storytelling, I don’t know. McFEELY Marvel has been accused of being the most expensive television show there is, and there’s some truth to that. The genres are different, the tones are different, but it’s serialized storytelling. MARKUS We occasionally wonder, did we just make the world’s most expensive inside-baseball fan service? But then we go, the fans are actually the majority of people who come to this. It’s inside baseball, but everyone is following the baseball. That’s also why the Marvel characters have lasted this long. They’re weird. They have strange quirks. McFEELY The bland ones don’t last. MARKUS I remember “Game of Thrones” being a reference for the first movie. How far apart can you keep these strands, and for how long, and still feel like you’re telling a single narrative? “Game of Thrones” has people who are just meeting now! As much as people think the culture’s going down the drain, there seems to be an elevating of people’s estimating of the kind of narrative that will succeed in popular culture. McFEELY Whatever you think of this movie, it’s complicated. It is not another sequel. MARKUS And a lot of popular TV is complicated. “This Is Us” is complicated. “Simon & Simon” was not that complicated. Great as it was. But it does seem like there is an acceptance of more complicated forms of storytelling.

Was the three-hour running time of “Endgame” ever in question? MARKUS There was an agreement within the whole group that we’re going to take our time; we’re not going to cut a half-hour of it so we can get one more screening in per day. McFEELY We couldn’t! Where are you going to cut a half-hour? There was not a sequence you could cut. MARKUS Look at some of the most popular movies of all time. They’re long as hell. When people want to see something, it doesn’t seem to get in their way. There’s some short, totally unsuccessful movies, too.

Journey’s End

Why does Natasha Romanoff have to die? McFEELY Her journey, in our minds, had come to an end if she could get the Avengers back. She comes from such an abusive, terrible, mind-control background, so when she gets to Vormir and she has a chance to get the family back, that’s a thing she would trade for. The toughest thing for us was we were always worried that people weren’t going to have time to be sad enough. The stakes are still out there and they haven’t solved the problem. But we lost a big character — a female character — how do we honor it? We have this male lens and it’s a lot of guys being sad that a woman died. MARKUS Tony gets a funeral. Natasha doesn’t. That’s partly because Tony’s this massive public figure and she’s been a cipher the whole time. It wasn’t necessarily honest to the character to give her a funeral. The biggest question about it is what Thor raises there on the dock. “We have the Infinity Stones. Why don’t we just bring her back?” McFEELY But that’s the everlasting exchange. You bring her back, you lose the stone.

Was there a possible outcome where Clint Barton sacrifices himself instead of her? McFEELY There was, for sure. Jen Underdahl, our visual effects producer, read an outline or draft where Hawkeye goes over. And she goes, “Don’t you take this away from her.” I actually get emotional thinking about it. MARKUS And it was true, it was him taking the hit for her. It was melodramatic to have him die and not get his family back. And it is only right and proper that she’s done.

And Tony Stark has to die as well? McFEELY Everyone knew this was going to be the end of Tony Stark. MARKUS I don’t think there were any mandates. If we had a good reason to not do it, certainly people would have entertained it. McFEELY The watchword was, end this chapter, and he started the chapter. MARKUS In a way, he has been the mirror of Steve Rogers the entire time. Steve is moving toward some sort of enlightened self-interest, and Tony’s moving to selflessness. They both get to their endpoints.

Were there any other outcomes you considered for Tony? MARKUS No. Because we had the opportunity to give him the perfect retirement life, within the movie. McFEELY He got that already. MARKUS That’s the life he’s been striving for. Are he and Pepper going to get together? Yes. They got married, they had a kid, it was great. It’s a good death. It doesn’t feel like a tragedy. It feels like a heroic, finished life.

And Cap was always going to be allowed his happy ending with Peggy Carter? McFEELY From the very first outline, we knew he was going to get his dance. On a separate subject, I started to lose my barometer on what was just fan service and what was good for the character. Because I think it’s good for the characters. But we also just gave you what you wanted. Is that good? I don’t know. But I’ll tell you, it’s satisfying. He’s postponed a life in order to fulfill his duty. That’s why I didn’t think we were ever going to kill him. Because that’s not the arc. The arc is, I finally get to put my shield down because I’ve earned that. MARKUS A hero without sacrifice, you’re not going to get the miles out of that person that you need to for these movies. That’s what makes them a hero, it’s not the powers.

“Endgame” sets up Sam Wilson as the new Captain America. Is that a future Marvel film? Would you write that? MARKUS We really do just know what you know. They’re doing “The Eternals,” which is a property I know next to nothing about. We’ve been here, trying to set this contraption running. Were we to take another one on, you can’t increase the scope or the stakes from where we are at the moment. We’d have to shrink it back down, do an origin story. There are deep-bench characters where I’m like, if you roll that guy out, I couldn’t resist. There is a great Moon Knight movie to be made, but I don’t know what is.

You’ve been writing these films and characters for more than a decade, and you never got bored of them — McFEELY Or fired. For sure. MARKUS We’ve come close to both. It’s a testament to the concept but also the people we’re working with. We’re not bumping up against this dictatorial level where it’s like, “I have some notes. I really want to see him fly a dragon — put the dragon in. I’m going to lunch.” McFEELY If we have an idea, people take it really seriously. They valued “Winter Soldier” and they saw how “Civil War” was coming together. They’d seen our process and us working with the [Russo] brothers, and they said, if Joss [Whedon] is not coming back — I don’t know that decision — it was clear that, unless they hated us, it was going to be this team. MARKUS But there also was a possibility, because “[Avengers: Age of Ultron”] made a little bit less than “Avengers” 1 — that we were taking on “Superman” 3 and 4. Maybe people were done with it. McFEELY The goal was not to advance it to the stratosphere. It was to just not screw it up.

Is this your Marvel finale as well? MARKUS I don’t know how to follow it up, that’s the problem. I’m not quite old enough to retire.

If “Endgame” has taught us anything, it’s that you should never retire. McFEELY Then they drag you out and kill you.

Sahred From Source link Arts

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**Trigger warning**  – below is the story of my journey with self-harm and recovery.

I started hurting myself when I was 13 years old. I had made an Internet friend on AIM (because I’m “old” now) and she had told me that when she was upset, she would cut herself. At first, I freaked out. I looked up cutting, and started reading about why and how people cut, burn, hit, and otherwise hurt themselves. I started telling her what I was reading, which was that people who self-harmed weren’t crazy, and they weren’t suicidal - they were just trying to deal with their feelings, and doing so in an unhealthy way.

She said she knew that, so I asked her more about her experiences. She told me that she would freeze a safety pin, or a razor blade to sterilize it, and she would scratch or cut herself when she was frustrated, sad, angry, or felt out of control.

At that moment, I happened to be in a period of my life where I felt very out of control. My parents had just gotten separated. This meant that my mom was spending a lot of time depressed in her room, dealing with lawyers. This also meant that my brother, who was eight at the time, was very isolated and playing video games by himself in his room. He couldn’t really comprehend what was going on, but he hated leaving mom’s house to go see dad every Wednesday, and every other weekend. My dad had never really taken care of us growing up, so it fell on me to make sure that my brother and I ate dinner, did our homework, had our clothes for school the next day, and made sure we left on time. It was really stressful. I felt like I had no control of all the pressure that had been put on me. I felt really alone, and like no one would understand what I was going through.

So I tried it.

I can’t remember with clarity what the first instrument I used to cut myself, or how long it went on before my mom found out, and ransacked my room for sharp objects, demanding how I could do such a thing. I wore long sleeves for a while, and cut holes in all my shirts so I could slip my thumbs in them, making sure no one would see my arms.

I was sad, and the other kids at school backed away from me. I dug into the isolation. I didn’t have any friends, or anyone to understand what I was going through. The truth is, I would continue to harm myself for many years, in a few different ways, and I had already been harming myself for over a year before I started cutting. I didn’t even realize this until a year or so ago.

Since I was 11 years old, I have been picking my face. It was then that I realized I could run the nail of my pinkie finger up the skin on my nose, and collect little white beads from my clogged pores. Before long, I was spending close to an hour in the mirror just about every day. I would squeeze pimples, and pores that had the slightest appearance of being clogged until my face was blotchy, swollen, and often bloody. I couldn’t stop myself, and sometimes still can’t. It used to be something that eased my anxiety, but like cutting, the anxiety was only eased as long as the process of the harm lasted. Immediately afterwards, I am faced with a “What have I done?” moment, and often will be more upset afterwards for knowing that I have scarred myself than I was before I picked.

A few years after I first began self-harming, I developed a new tactic. I started to starve myself out of existence. I decided to become a vegetarian at camp the summer I turned 15, and then continued to restrict my diet when I came home. I felt power in only consuming what and how much food I decided, though my mental health showed my mistake. I began to lose memory, lose track of tasks, and walk around in a complete fog. Finally, my mom took me to see a therapist, and I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, and put into an outpatient treatment program. I met with a group of teens, and we did group, individual, art, and cognitive behavioral therapy four times a week. I think I was in the group for four or five months before I “decided” that I was ready to graduate. What was weird was I felt like I hadn’t been that committed to being anorexic, but I was still committed to terrorizing myself.

In distracting myself from the actual pain I had in my life, I transformed it into self-inflicted woe. I dated people who didn’t care about me, so I could cry when they didn’t return my calls. I drank, so I could get myself into trouble, and have something to focus on rest of the week. I smoked weed and cigarettes to be dangerous, and so I could escape. I later started binging and purging to further distract myself from the hurt.

It took me a long time to get to where I am today, which is someone who has good relationships, is honest about their feelings, loves their body, and is healthy. I still slip up from time to time and will pick my face, or be critical about my appearance, but it’s becoming a less and less often occurrence. It’s a process.

Allowing myself to actually start feeling my feelings was insanely difficult. I hadn’t realized how much dirt and trash I had piled on top of the hole I had dug for the real traumas that I wasn’t capable of facing when they occurred. I had developed these other mechanisms for feeling anything but the earth-shaking pain of what was actually happening.

What was actually happening? My doctor touched me inappropriately when I was eight or nine. I didn’t tell anyone at the time of the incident, and I blocked this for many years, even though I felt the fear, each time I had to go for a checkup, and later in life as someone trying to come into their sexuality. As a 12 year old, I felt stressed with no one to turn to, and then I continued to add traumas onto the list because I wasn’t able to deal with those things as such a young person. I still deal with being afraid sometimes, and I notice myself trying to slip into the well-worn neural patterns of my old coping mechanisms.

It takes having someone you can trust and cry on to be able to work through these difficult moments from your past – I do not recommend trying to do it yourself. Often, working through a trauma feels like walking through a dark field with your hands tied behind your back, and if you don’t have someone with a flash light walking next to you, the odds of making it to a safe, warm place are not very high. The good news is, in my experience, the same field doesn’t usually need to be walked through more than a few times. Sometimes once is enough. The key is to letting yourself really break down, really feel and express what is there, but previously had to ignore in order to survive.

Educator Emily Nagoski says that, “The stress response is actually a stress response cycle. You have to complete the cycle or else all those stress chemicals just sit around turning sour in your body.” It’s true. You are trapped, living in the stress of your traumatic moment until you recognize it, let it flow through you and release it, as scary as that may sound. However, what you are doing to yourself in order to avoid it is probably much scarier.  

The beautiful thing about your brain, which is where the chemical reactions of emotions occur, is that by practicing new coping mechanisms for stress, like physically discharging it from your system, you can eventually atrophy the pathways that used to go from stress to self-harm and back again, in a seemingly never-ending loop. You can replace those behaviors by creating a new pattern, one where you listen to your body, accept your feelings, and deal with them in a healthy way. Nagoski talks about how stress in the modern world is totally different from, but triggers the same hormone response, as being chased by a lion (or whatever your ancestral predator may have been).

So, in order to get your body to let go of the feeling that you are about to be eaten by a lion, you have to trick yourself into either defeating, or running away from that lion (ever heard of fight or flight response?). So, when you feel stressed, if you can do some cardio exercise, your body will feel like you have outrun the predator. As a bonus, you will also be flushed with endorphins – the feel-good hormones your body releases when you expend a lot of energy.  Or, if you can’t do that, you can try my old favorite and let out a primal scream. I don’t know why this works, but it does. If you are afraid to be loud, feel free to turn on some music and scream into a pillow. If you know someone who also might need a good scream, invite them to come and do my actual favorite, which is to place a pillow between the two of you, and scream into each other’s faces through the pillow. I don’t know why screaming works so well, but it does. Crying is also great, and is something I wasn’t able to do for a long time when I was engaging in self-harm.

So, what I guess I want to gain from sharing my experiences that span more than a decade of struggling with self-destructive behaviors, and often physical self-harm, is to help de-stigmatize the subject. I want people to feel okay talking about their experiences, and reaching out for help.

Everyone goes through hard times, and not very many people actually deal in a way that makes them stronger when a difficult feeling comes up. For instance, how many adults do you know who drink or watch TV when they are stressed? If you want to become a person who works through their emotions, it is not impossible. If you have someone in your life who you trust to walk you through the dark field, and to hold the flashlight without getting sucked into how scary the experience must be for you, to be vulnerable and afraid, then you should ask them to listen to you. Explain that you will probably get very emotional, and just need them to support you. If you do not feel like you have anyone in your life that can do that for you, I urge you to try and find a therapist you can talk to. Someone who is paid to listen is a great alternative. Also, now that you are the kind of person who knows what it is like to go through some extreme emotions, you are capable of doing that for someone else! It is easier to find a partner in processing trauma once you know the ropes.

So, that’s where I’ll leave this. Try to find someone to talk to. Scream or run away from the beast, but don’t let the fear and anxiety rot inside you. You have the power to be calm and happy.

If you don’t have anyone in your life you feel like you can turn to for help, you should email me. I’m not a professional, but I’ll listen.