#like I know I have to make everything about Leonard Cohen but come on

[malvolios-yellow-stockings]

Okay, but hear me out-

That fucking alleyway scene. It fucks so hard with Leonard Cohen's Avalanche.

I mean come on.

[soracities]

how do you know when you're getting good at poetry? everybody dunks on halsey and rupi kaur's poetry, and i never really got why and idk if that's what i sound like

Honestly, I don't think there's ever a point at which you "know" you're getting good at poetry--I think "good" and "bad" are kind of vague and amorphous (and distracting) categories that don't do much in helping us understand the feel and impact of certain writing, chiefly because they can also be deeply subjective. How a poet views a particular work and how a reader views it will be very, very different because their relationship to the work is different. I also think "good" is a sort of external category that does not (or should not) carry into the act of writing itself--when you make "is this good?" the chief consideration as you write, you're not actually present in the writing: you're focused on the finished product, not the process, but the process is the most important thing: that's where the poem actually meets you. I think growth, in writing, is less about knowing if you're "good" in this regard, and more about being able to have confidence, or simply just trust, in the writing as it happens.

There's a famous saying somewhere that a work of literature is never "finished"--it just stops. I think skill, when it comes to writing, lies in recognising where this point is, in learning and developing how you navigate what it is you want to say, and how you say it. Some poems, eventually, reach a point where you can take them no further and you know there is nothing more to be said in them or through them. Some poems reach a point where you can take them no further, but there is still something left to be said in them. Those poems get revisited, worked, and reworked again, until they (maybe) get close to the first category: this may mean you work on them for a few weeks, or for years--but either way you are prioritizing the process of making the poem, not how it will be received. "Is this a good poem?" in my view at least, is not really the relevant question--what's relevant is "is this true to what I wanted to say?" Leonard Cohen famously wrote over 100 drafts of "Hallelujah"--I don't know if the central question for him here was just a matter of his skills as a songwriter.

Regarding Halsey and Rupi Kaur, I've only been able to read Halsey's poems through previews on Google Books so I don't know what other people's critiques are--based on what I saw, though, I don't know if it makes sense to criticize their quality as "poems" when she is primarily a songwriter and a lot of those poems wound up as songs. I'm more familiar with Rupi Kaur's writing, though, and others like her (Atticus, Michael Faudet etc), and while I have a personal policy of not getting into Kaur online (there's an ask here which is about as much as I'm willing to say regarding my feelings on her writing)--I can get into this trend or poetry "style" as a whole. And to be honest I think the chief issue here with poetry like this is that poetry, by definition, involves a deep and intimate relationship with language: this holds true regardless of whether the poem is simple, or complex, whether it's 5 lines long or goes on for 50 pages. As I said in that previous ask, it's not something you can reduce to a formula, nor is it a matter of mere reportage or a collection of statements: what makes a poem has nothing to do with line breaks (prose poems exist), but everything to do with how the language moves, how the language of a poem engages with its own content, with itself, and, as a result, with the reader.

The kind of work that proliferates on Instagram does not have that kind of engagement with language--they are, to me, pieces of information more than anything else. They reduce language to a series of stock phrases that act, not as actual words, but as images (and I don't mean this in a visually evocative way). It tries to evoke something that requires a thoughtful and sustained examination in order to be expressed, by surpassing the reality of what that examination actually requires. It tries to ape the effect of a powerful poem without the work that goes into actually being able to make that kind of a poem in the first place: and that work is a sustained encounter and confrontation with the language used and its relationship to what it tries to convey, in understanding that words are not interchangeable blocks you move around willy-nilly but that they have weight and intention, that they interact with each other to build up an idea or a feeling or a landscape in the most accessible way (insofar as language can make anything accessible, at least). But this is rarely, if ever, felt in IG poetry because it refuses to recognize or respect the demands and requirements of the medium it uses.

And because it is lacking in this engagement and recognition, these poems are also, for the most part, lacking sincerity--and this, to me, is one of the most crucial things when it comes to writing. I recall one IG poet whose work was in the same class as someone like Atticus, but I also recall one of his poems which genuinely moved me--and it moved me because, unlike everything else on his account, that poem felt sincere: the structure and the language wasn't any different to anything else he wrote, but in reading it, it was not a question for me of whether it was "bad" or "good"--what made the impact was that it was honest: and the difference showed. You can't come into a poem with ulterior motives. You can't come into it without an understanding, or respect, for the language you use. I'm absolutely not policing what people should or shouldn't read, and I'm not saying people are wrong for liking these poems, either, or that Halsey, Kaur, Atticus et al., are wrong for writing them. Expression is expression, and what speaks to you speaks to you. And to be honest, it is a different kettle of fish when you are writing something purely for yourself (and I think allowing yourself to partake in any kind of artform, without worrying about needing to be good at it, is deeply important for the human spirit)--but because they are putting their work out publicly, if we are going to be evaluating what they write and how they write it, that evaluation has to be rooted in an understanding of the art form they intend their work to be a part of.

For me, these are the main issues I have with these writers and their work and why I just do not like them. But I also want to stress that, ultimately, what you sound like in your own poems, anon, does not matter as much as being sincere to yourself does. As I said, I don' like using terms like "good" and "bad" and I think that often they're fairly reductive (and sometimes outright pointless) categories to use when we talk about and assess poetry--more than anything else, the key to building a robust and informed discernment when it comes to poems is to simply just read--read a lot of it and read widely. The broader and richer your repository of poetry (and literature in general) is, the more informed you are when it comes to all the different ways language can move through a poem, and all the different impacts it can have as a result. It deepens and enriches your understanding of all the different ways of looking at something, questioning something, expressing something. Your vocabularly grows and deepens; your net of associations--visual, linguistic etc--strengthens. And when this understanding grows you are able to place the things you read into a much wider and far more informed context. And this in turn allows you to grow as a reader and a writer. I hope this helps you a little, anon 💕

[daisycassy]

I did it, I made the playlist! Also known as the list of Leonard Cohen's songs that make me go feral with Devil's minion feelings.

List of all songs along with my thoughts under the cut bellow

The Future - Give me absolute control/Over every living soul/And lie beside me, baby/That's an order/Give me crack and anal sex....

This whole song is extremely "Daniel and Armand explore their old and new dynamic after years apart" coded, with some old bitter investigative journalist Daniel (my beloved) sprinkled in

Darkness - I caught the darkness/Drinking from your cup/I said: Is this contagious?/You said: Just drink it up...

This is obviously about old Daniel being turned, what do you mean it is not? Look at it!

First we take Manhattan - Ah, you loved me as a loser, but now you're worried that I just might win/You know the way to stop me, but you don't have the discipline/How many nights I prayed for this, to let my work begin...

Vampire power couple? Vampire Daniel chasing his maker while being extremely capable fledling? Armand dreaming of them as vampire power couple in the 80s despite being terrified of turning Daniel? Yes all of those

Avalanche - You who wish to conquer pain/You must learn what makes me kind/The crumbs of love that you offer me/They're the crumbs I've left behind...

The pain, the tragedy of forgotten love then remebered and the reality of grapling with those emotions and memories. Also with the spice of the terror of these two

I'm your man - If you want a lover/I'll do anything you ask me to/And if you want another kind of love/I'll wear a mask for you/If you want a partner, take my hand, or/If you want to strike me down in anger/Here I stand/I'm your man...

Is this about Armand and his unresolved issues and tendency to mould himself into whatever he thinks his lovers need and want? Is this about Daniel wanting to be everything that Armand wants and needs? Is this about them being perfect for each other? Or all of the above? Who's to say

Lover Lover Lover - This one is so so perfect for Armand's identity issues, I feel like I want to copy the whole lyrics here

Master song - Devil's minion version 1, 70s and 80s. But also could make an argument for this to be about Armand and his feelings for Marius (I am his n.1 hater)

It seemed the better way - Sounded like the truth/But it's not the truth today/I better hold my tongue/I better take my place/Lift this glass of blood/Try to say the grace/...

Daniel who was turned by Armand to save him from dying, grapling with his newly regained memories, bitterness and anger at being turned against his will now, and abandoned in the past, but still loving Armand

Nevermind - Never mind/I had to leave my life behind/The story's told/With facts and lies/You own the world so never mind/...

Once again Devil's minion 2, old Daniel after getting turned

Almost like the Blues - But I've had the invitation/that a sinner can't refuse/It's almost like salvation/It's almost like the blues...

Daniel spending his life as a journalist, exposing lies and injustice and yet choosing to become the evil that is to be a vampire

My Oh My - Wasn't hard to love you/Didn't have to try/Held you for a little while...

Both of them. Because my favourite thing about this ship is that despite evrything the loving comes easily to them. But love on its own doesn't make relationships easy.

Leaving the table - If I ever loved you, oh no, no/It's a crying shame/If I ever loved you/If I knew your name...

Old Daniel grappling with the newly gained memories of loving Armand and what it means. At the same time not regretting becoming vampire at all. I don't need a reason/For what I becameI've got these excuses/They're tired and lame/I don't need a pardon...

It's Torn - You smile at your suffering, the sweetest reprieve/Why did you leave us? Why did you leave?...

Daniel remembering loving Armand, and the love coming back so so strong. The longing, the pining

Traveling light - I'm just a fool/A dreamer who/Forgot to dream/Of the me and you/Traveling light like/We used to do...

Vampire Daniel chasing his maker who turned him, gave him back the memories of their love and then disappeared.

Amen - Tell me again/We’re alone and I’m listening/I’m listening so hard that it hurts/Tell me again/When I’m clean and I’m sober/Tell me again/When I’ve seen through the horror/Tell me again/Tell me over and over/Tell me that you want me then...

Armand and Daniel during the 70s and 80s both not believing that the other genuinely loves them. The tragedy it leads them to. The endless pining

I can't forget - I said this can't be me/Must be my double/And I can't forget, I can't forget/I can't forget but I don't remember what...

Daniel left without his memories and yet remembering something, sometimes, in his dreams , in the corner of his eye. Forgetting and yet unable to forget.

Take this longing - Oh, take this longing from my tongue/Whatever useless things these hands have done/Let me see your beauty broken down...

As it says on the tin, take this longing from these men, they are sooo full of it.

[yanderecrazysie]

J.S Anon here again, you can probably tell what kind of Reader I want for this one. Anyways would I be able to request an NSFW one? Maybe Despair and Hope hating reader silently giving Chihiro a blowjob underneath the table and being walked in on if that's alright!

HI AGAIN! I had a lot of trouble working the Junko’s sister and hope/despair hate into this, but I think I got it! Also, he’s a little OOC so take that as you will.

As always, all characters are 18+.

Title: Take This Longing

Pairings: Chihiro Fujisaki x Reader

WARNINGS: yandere themes, NSFW, NON-CON ORAL (m. receiving)

“Oh take this longing from my tongue

Whatever useless things these hands have done

Let me see your beauty broken down

Like you would do

For one you love”

From “Take This Longing” by Leonard Cohen

You blankly watched the number on the elevator’s display screen change as each floor passed you by. The numbers blinked with the same red as the light on your ankle monitor. 

Not everyone could forgive an Enoshima, after all.

The elevator stopped near the top floor of the highrise and the doors opened, revealing an office bathed in the soft glow of a hundred monitors, lining the walls and desks. There were bookshelves haphazardly placed against the windows that made up the back wall, all half-way filled with technical manuals.

At the center of a ring of monitors was Chihiro Fujisaki, whose eyes flitted between displays with an intensity that didn’t match his sweet-looking exterior. As a member of the Future Foundation, Chihiro had grown taller over the years and had begun wearing pants instead of skirts (embracing his masculine side).

As he looked up at you, his heart skipped a beat. You, the sister of Junko Enoshima and Mukuro Ikusaba, yet a person that loathed both despair and hope, always brought a smile to his face.

He stood, smoothing out the front of his lab coat. You were punctual, as always, on the dot of the hour you were summoned. He admired that about you. He took a deep breath to steady himself.

“You wanted to see me?” your voice was deadpan as always.

“Yes, thank you for coming,” Chihiro gestured to a chair opposite his desk, “Please, take a seat.”

“I’d rather not,” you said simply, crossing your arms.

Chihiro nodded, swallowing thickly, “Alright, well… I’ve been working on something. A project for hope. Of course, you already knew that…”

You didn’t respond, just stood there blankly staring at him, waiting for him to continue.

“It’s an AI, one that can learn and evolve beyond the programming constraints of binary thinking. It’s designed to understand and feel, without falling into the traps that…” he swallowed again, not wanting to bring up the past that had led to you becoming an unwilling member of the Future Foundation, “...well, you know.”

“And you’re telling me this because…?” you sounded wary.

Chihiro’s fingers twitched nervously, “Because, you can help me test it. With your rejection of both hope and despair, we can make sure the AI can run without biases if needed.”

You shrugged, “I’m not allowed to turn down anything you guys ask, but what do you even get out of this?”

Chihiro’s heart hammered in his chest, “I… I admire you,” he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper, “Everything about you.”

You gave him a disgusted look, “I’m not interested in any of you hope-filled tree-huggers. Fuck off with that mushy-gushy shit.”

Chihiro’s heart shattered into a million pieces and tears filled his eyes. He felt a surge of anger, “Why can’t you just like hope? It’s such a good thing, how can you hate it?”

You shrugged again and turned away, “If that’s all, then I’ll take my leave.”

Chihiro suddenly had a thought. One that was awful, terrible, and so tempting.

“Suck me off,” he said, voice trembling. He couldn’t believe something so inappropriate had left his mouth. It had only ever done so in daydreams of the two of you together.

Where you were a willing participant.

You clearly couldn’t believe it either, “The hell’d you say?”

“Suck me off,” Chihiro demanded, voice stronger and clearer this time, “You can’t refuse a direct order from one of us, can you?”

“I’m- I’m not a sex toy!” you snapped, blood running to your cheeks. Despite your protest, you reluctantly got on your knees and crawled under his desk. He could hardly believe it when shaking hands unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, pulling his painfully hard cock out of his trousers.

It was bigger than you expected for such a delicate-looking man, and it was threatening-looking, with a pulsating vein down the side and pre beading at the tip. You hesitated for a moment, looking up at Chihiro’s face. He was staring down at you with a mix of desire and embarrassment, biting his lip as he watched you.

You took a deep breath and leaned forward, tentatively wrapping your lips around the head of his cock. It was warm and spongy, and very, very salty. You moved your head forward, taking as much of his impressively-sized member into your mouth as possible.

Chihiro let out a high-pitched moan as you started to move your head up and down, swirling your tongue around the tip of his cock. He grew harder and heavier in your mouth, his hips starting to thrust forward slightly as he lost himself in the sensation.

He thrust a little too hard and you gagged, pulling off the cock with a whine of pain. “Sorry, sweetheart,” he gasped, carding his hand through your hair, “I’ll be more careful- please keep going!”

You took him back into your mouth, sucking harder and beginning to bob your head up and down. Your hands reached up to cup his balls, gently massaging them as you continued to work his cock.

Chihiro let out a strangled moan as he felt the familiar tightness building in his groin. He couldn’t believe how good it felt. He felt like he’d died and gone to heaven, because having you on your knees for him, sucking his throbbing cock, was better than any fantasy he could have conjured up in that moment..

With one final thrust forward, he exploded into your mouth, cock pulsating as he filled it with his release. You swallowed it down, but the sheer volume of it spilled over onto your lips, leaving you looking more debauched than ever.

At that moment, the elevator doors opened, and Byakuya stepped into the room. “Fujisaki, I need those-” he stopped, absolutely horrified by the sight he was seeing.

Chihiro was sure he looked red-faced, with his spent cock hanging out of his pants and you, under his desk, white cum dripping down your chin.

“Disgusting,” Byakuya shuddered, shaking his head as he walked straight back into the elevator.

You looked borderline tearful until Chihiro placed his hand back in your hair, letting out a contented sigh, “You’re perfect, you know that?”

You stared at him blankly, as though you couldn’t believe what you had done, all emotion driven out of you.

Chihiro couldn’t wait until you did it again for him. 

Maybe next time, he’d make you go all the way.

[fairsexynasty]

—DIFFICULT THINGS

jamie tartt x lasso!reader

ONE. TOWNIE

summary: lucy moves to richmond with a memory that doesn’t quite forget what her dad did to her. however, ted is as happy as a goldfish.

warnings: cursing, unlikeable female protagonist, father issues, abandonment issues, resentment

a/n: welcome to this very new series i WILL finish. my love for this show has overtaken my time and i am very excited to be writing this. this chapter is set during “two aces.”

——————

Leonard Cohen once said, “There’s a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” But my world has been infused with the darkest of shadows. Everywhere I search is covered by a dark spot. It seeps into my life from my dreams, nightmares, and memories. I don’t think I was delivered by the hand of God, nor will I be expecting any blessing in the near future. It’s the hope that kills you.

I had that epiphany when I turned seven. No one had ever seen a child so jaded, so self-aware. When I learned that the father I wished for wasn’t that interested in fully being in my life, I accepted it entirely, for what it was worth. He’s popped in and out, coming in as quickly as he leaves, only sticking around for moments he deemed essential to me.

And the worse part is that he’s a good man—a good man with a daughter who felt evil.

I used to wish something terrible would happen to me. A broken collarbone. A car accident. Cancer. If something like that happened to me, I thought he’d return and stay for good.

But those things never happened. I’ve never broken any bones. I’ve never crashed my car into a tree. I’m perfectly healthy. And after all this time, Dad has moved on.

I have a half-brother. Thirteen or fourteen years my junior, it’s disgusting how I’m not too sure about the gap. I’ve never met him, nor do I want to meet him. I envy a child who cannot understand the weight of the word ‘father’ because he’ll always take it for granted.

When I crawl through my memories, I can see Dad crystal clear. He showed up to every one of my birthdays until age sixteen. That’s probably because my brother was old enough to ask and understand why Dad was leaving him. Dad came to my first dance, a father-daughter dance. It was one of the nights I honestly felt pretty. He and I danced the night away, stuffing our faces with candy and desserts and drinking our weight’s worth of soda pop. Dad taught me how to ride a bike. Although it ended with scraping my knees, he helped me up, cleaned my knees, and kissed each one. Dad drove me to my first day of high school. The morning went by quickly, but I can still remember the smile on his face as I waved goodbye to him and walked through the school doors.

I want to be thankful for what I’ve gotten from my dad. But he could have done so much more. Am I not worth the effort?

And it hurts to hate my mother as much as I do.

She could clean up her act for Dad, but once he was on his way home, she’d finally ease into consciousness. We would fight. She’d accuse me of not appreciating her. She’d belittle me and never congratulated me on my accomplishments. She’s manipulative. Controlling. Narcissistic. Evil. I know I’m no good, either. But women like that love confrontation. And she got the best of me every single time.

But I’m a grown woman now. I’m twenty. I have a life. A freedom I’ve never known. I’m trying to be honest, to prove I am everything Mom never thought I’d be. I’m trying to make Dad proud of me. Because everyone else is sure as hell proud of him, he’s Ted Lasso: a simple man with a simple plan who was pulled to spread his kindness in Richmond, England, by coaching their god-awful team. I watched the news with a frown as soon as they announced his new endeavor. If he got a new beginning, why can’t I?

And that’s why I decided to pack up my things and move to England.

I’ve been here before. My mother and I moved around due to her line of work. Whether it was Shanghai, Princeton, Kuala Lumpur, or Rome, I could never call those places home. I feel like Richmond is going to be different. I’m not hopeful. Just curious.

——

The park seems comforting. There appears to be a rhythm that compliments the people. Kids playing soccer, and shops opening for the day.

I sit and watch the world awaken. People pass me by as I sit on the bench, not one of them stopping their routine for me, except one.

lHis greetings were met with responses of “Wanker,” a word I found oddly endearing. He continued down the park trail, saying ‘good morning’ to me mindlessly.

I replied with a deadpan “Wanker,” which surprised him, given my American accent. He turned back, his eyes lighting up in recognition.

“Oh, my lordy-lord,” he muttered, smiling as he said my name, “Lucy.” He looks at me as if I’m a fucking unicorn. His eyes soften, and the smile that always reaches his eyes is suddenly on his face. “ Lucy !” he breathes out as if he’s too scared to say it louder like I’ll run away and leave.

“Hi, Dad.” He pulls me from my seat on the bench and envelops me into the biggest bear hug I’ve ever gotten from him. And those hugs are grizzly and unrelenting.

He lifts me off my feet and holds my head to his shoulder. “Oh, how I love you, Lucy girl. I can’t believe it!”

I groan, feeling slightly embarrassed. "Dad, please put me down. I'm not as tiny as Henry is," I say with a laugh. He puts me down with a smile, but there’s a flash of a solemn look on his face. I guess my mention of Henry has filled him with some semblance of guilt. I can’t tell if that satisfies me or not. "I think you're wondering why I'm here," I say, the false smile still on my face. "And the only reason is because I wanted to see you, Dad. I missed you," I add, trying to perfect the role of the doting daughter, even though it doesn't come naturally.

“Oh, I missed you too, Pumpkin. I’m glad you’re here.” He spots my luggage standing against the bench. “Looks like you’re gonna be visiting for a while, huh?”

I nod slowly, my gaze briefly shifting away. "Yeah, I am. Needed a change of scenery for a while," I admit, hoping he won't probe further into my true reasons for being here.

Dad nods, but I spot him scanning my face for any information I won’t outwardly tell him. Perhaps it’s a parently instinct, or maybe it’s just a Ted Lasso thing. The smile on my face doesn’t falter.

“So, how’s your mom?”

The question hangs in the air, and I can sense the curiosity in his eyes. I clench my jaw and roll my eyes in annoyance. "I really don't want to talk about her right now," I say firmly, hoping to steer the conversation away from a topic I'd rather avoid.

Dad gives me one of those fatherly smiles, understanding my need for privacy but also indicating he'll inquire about it later. "Alright then. How about we get you settled into my place? Don't care if you've found one already. I got you here with me, and you're not going anywhere, missy. I hope that's alright with you," he adds, his face hopeful as he waits for my response.

I acquiesce to his requests. It’s the least I can do. “Sure, Dad. I’d love to.”

He cheers with a fist pump, then wrangles me into yet another bear hug before I tell him he’s crushing my ribs, and he dramatically lets me go with a pout on his face.

I follow him down the streets to his apartment door. We enter, and it’s pretty lovely, yet it feels so hollow. There’s an opened jar of peanut butter on the island. I can tell he radiates joy as we unpack my things into an extra bedroom. I wonder how lonely he’s been without his son and wife.

Yeah. This is the least I can do.

——

After unpacking and settling in, Dad practically begs me to come to Nelson Road with him, and since I’m already feeling a bit guilty, I come along with him.

Upon entering, some guy with a full beard and eyebrows that make him look perpetually constipated looks at me. Well, it’s more of a glare. He walks up to Dad and me, not once taking his eyes off me. I narrow my eyes in response, shooting him a cold glare of my own. “Who the fuck is this? Don’t tell me Rebecca hired another fucking American.” His voice is deep and rumbling and full of snark.

"Seriously, do all British guys walk around with a stick up their ass?" I quip, but my remark falls on deaf ears. I catch the man clenching his jaw at my question. Ah, it seems he doesn't take kindly to being disrespected. One jab at his masculinity, and he's ready to go to war without a second thought.

"Roy Kent, meet my daughter, Lucille," Dad introduces, but I quickly interject, "Lucy to you." I emphasize my preference, not one to stand on formality. "Who the fuck are you, Roy Kent?" I ask, gauging his reaction as he looks between me and my dad, clearly trying to figure something out. I decide to clear the air, "Yeah, my mom isn't Michelle," I clarify, hoping to put any confusion to rest.

Roy's response is a simple "Oh," followed by a grunt as he exits the scene. My dad remains unfazed and carries on, guiding me towards the locker room with his arm casually draped around my shoulder.

"Coach Beard! We've got a new cast member!" Dad announces to the room as we walk out together, seemingly excited to introduce me to his colleagues.

A man with a book and a golf hat turns his chair around and observes us. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t the fussbudget,” he says. “Hello, Lucy. I’m Coach Beard. I’ve heard all about you.”

I can't help but snort at the situation. "That's impossible," I retort with a snarky tone. Coach Beard finds my reaction amusing, letting out a chuckle, while my dad gives a slight frown, but I know a few jabs won't easily rattle him.

Suddenly, a strong voice breaks the chatter, announcing, "Ayo, the gaffer's got another kid!" The rest of the men turn their attention to me, their eyes filled with wonder and intrigue. They excitedly chat, asking if they saw what they think they did.

Exiting the office, we step into the open room where my dad proudly introduces me to the team. "Fellas, I'd like to introduce you to my daughter. This is Lucy, everyone."

The players greet me with waves and hellos, except for one guy sitting on the bench, engrossed in his phone, occasionally laughing. I point him out, asking, "Who's that?"

"Jamie Tartt. Hey, Beard, what's the deal with Jamie?" my dad inquires, and seemingly out of nowhere, Jamie appears beside us without making a sound.

Beard responds, "Says he can't practice today. Says he's hurt."

I observe my dad's face dropping with disappointment as he turns to walk out the door and over to Jamie, concern etched across his features.

The whole situation was intense, and I couldn't recall ever seeing my father this angry before. It seemed like there had never been an opportunity for him to get this worked up until now. Watching him unleash his frustration on Jamie reminded me of my mom, who had her share of heated moments. While my dad appeared to be justified in his outburst, Jamie's disrespectful behavior only reinforced my 'British men suck shit' theory.

Feeling overwhelmed, a tingling sensation crept into my head, and my heart raced with the familiar signs of an impending panic attack. I needed to escape, so I swiftly turned on my heel and walked out of the office, trying to distract myself by fiddling with the rings on my fingers.

Wandering aimlessly down the halls, I searched for a private space to catch my breath and calm down. Passing a laughing man, a short guy carrying a laundry bag, and a stunning blonde woman who seemed out of place here, I stopped in my tracks when I heard my dad's name mentioned in a hushed conversation.

"Rebecca, I don't think Coach Lasso will be too thrilled about you trading Jamie away.”

“Higgins, listen to me. I don't care if Lasso is trying to get through to Jamie or if he begs him to come back. Jamie is not returning, and that's precisely what I need," she asserts before abruptly changing the subject, "Now, let me go hunt down my biscuits. They're late."

Realization hits me like a ton of bricks. Dad is being sabotaged. All this time, I believed he was here to make a positive impact on the team, but it turns out they see him as nothing more than a joke. Stepping away from the door, I attempt to make a quick exit, only to collide with a statuesque woman who towers over me.

She glances down at me, exuding power through her stature and fashion, but I'm not intimidated. "Why, hello there, whoever you are. Are you lost?" she inquires.

Ah, this must be Rebecca. The woman who plans to screw my father over. I can't help but roll my eyes at her. "No. Just looking for the bathroom," I retort.

Rebecca gestures towards the sign, displaying her passive-aggressiveness. "Well, it's just around the corner. Right where the 'bathroom' sign is," she points out.

"Cool," I respond nonchalantly, not letting her faze me. "Oh, and by the way, my name's Lucy. Thanks for hiring my dad to coach!"

I catch a flicker of terror in Rebecca's eyes before I walk away, grinning to myself. Drama seems to follow me wherever I go, even in Richmond. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

——

After my quick trip to the loo, I wander over to the dog track, where Dad and Beard stand, closely observing the team's training session. I can't help but chuckle at Jamie's predicament as he wears a penny and sets up cones.

Dad notices my arrival and playfully calls out, "Oh, there you are, Waldo! What were you doing?"

His attempts at humor fail to catch me off guard. While I understand his references, I refuse to engage in the corniness. "Nothing, just using the bathroom," I reply with a mischievous grin, not willing to spill the beans about Rebecca's scheming ways. "Oh, and I met Rebecca. She seems nice," I lie sarcastically, well aware of her conniving nature.

Before Dad can respond, a rather handsome player approaches us gracefully. "Hello there. Sorry, Coach Lasso, but I couldn't continue practice without introducing myself to our guest," he says with a charming smile. "My name is Sam Obisanya. It's a pleasure to meet you, Lucy. The other players and I were wondering if you'd care to join us on the field for a few minutes. We'd like to have some fun at Jamie's expense. Is that alright?"

I return Sam's smile and reply, "Uh, sure. But I haven't played in years, dude. Not sure I'll be any good among you professionals.”

Sam brushes off my concerns, reassuring me, "Oh, that's alright, Lucy. I'm sure Thierry will let you score a couple of goals. Come on!" With that, he guides me towards the field, announcing to the team, "She said yes, you guys!" Their enthusiastic cheers fill the air.

As we assemble for a quick game, a guy with a buzzed fade named Isaac addresses me, confirming my name, "Alright, Lucy, is it?" I nod, and he explains the teams, "We're gonna split into five and five, and you're gonna play with the lads who ain't got a kit on."

"Sounds good," I respond with enthusiasm. I turn to the guys without kits, and each extends a hand for a handshake. I go down the line, shaking hands with each one. There's a short man with curly hair, Bumbercatch, followed by a tall fellow with a broad smile, Jan Maas. Then, a highly energetic man named Dani Rojas greets me, not wasting any time to exclaim, "Football is life!" right in front of me. The last guy, a mousey brunette named Colin, completes the line-up.

Quickly getting into formation with my newfound teammates, they place me front and center for the play. I'm facing off with Sam, who gives me a friendly smile. At the sound of the whistle, we both dash for the ball, but I swiftly take control and dribble it down the field. Roy Kent charges towards me, determined to tackle the ball away, but I outmaneuver him with a quick juke, causing him to land on his ass. The guys react with astonishment, and suddenly, the game shifts from Sam's gentle start to full intensity.

Isaac rushes towards me, sporting a determined expression, but I pass the ball to Dani Rojas, who's open and ready. Dani drives it down the field, but as soon as he spots an opportunity, he passes it back to me. With precision, I shoot the ball into the goal, leaving the goalkeeper stunned as it whizzes past him.

The entire team stands in complete silence, including my dad and Coach Beard, who are both staring at me with their mouths agape. The momentary hush is broken by Jamie Tartt, who teasingly remarks, "Ay, wanker's kid just got you real good, lads." He winks at me, provoking a gag from me followed by a flip-off.

Isaac can't contain his excitement, exclaiming, "Shit, bruv! You just broke Roy Kent's ankles!"

Roy growls behind me, clearly not pleased with being outplayed. "You got fucking lucky, kid," he grumbles.

I don't back down, confidently replying, "Luck's got nothing to do with it. Either you're cursed or you just ate shit, Kent."

I have to admit, Richmond has exceeded my expectations thus far, but I won't let it get the best of me just yet.

[lonesomedotmp3]

ok enough time has passed. short n sweet song rating

taste - I like it! it's kinda of overproduced and ditzy (like, sonically? I don't know how to describe it. hollow ig) but it's fun petty a little bit gay it helps that the mv is really good 8/10

please please please - like. whatever. I'm honestly over it. 5/10

good graces - 2/10 I do not like this song as soon as I heard this song I knew it was over for us I'm serious. melody is good but the lyrics and vibe is garbage and it DOES NOTTTTT FIT ON THIS FUCKING ALBUMMMMMM

sharpest tool - this is the closest song we have that could be an eics song. but crucially it's not so it's not as good. but I still like it <3 the "we never talk about it" end to the chorus and its repetition is really lame and underwhelming though idk. 7/10

coincidence - I really like this one I like the aggressive guitar I like the whispery adlibs. doesn't feel like it fits the album much (though truly what does fit the album the album is nothing!) and it NEEDS a better longer bridge.... why are these songs so fucking shortttt SABRINA. ANSWER MY CALLS. 8/10

bed chem - I kinda like this one sorry beth... in a sense this is everything wrong with new sabrina but well I think we'd have really good come right on me I mean camaraderie said you're not in my time zone but you wanna be where art thou why not uponeth me see it in my mind let's fulfil the prophecy. bridge is ass though 6/10

espresso - I am still not sick of that's that me espresso... that's literally that me espresso. 10/10 yes it ushered in a horrible era but it's a banger I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can't accept when a song is catchy and fun. what I hate though is it should have been an individual single song like honeymoon fades. the vintage beach vibes stand out so heavily against the production of literally every other song I know I already said loads of songs don't fit (BECAUSE. NOTHING FITS IT'S REALLY BAD GUYS) but it's true of this song most of all. you're literally listening to an entirely different sound and album for three minutes... 10/10 but she shouldn't even be here. or alternatively maybe if the whole album gave this sound and energy it would've been good 🤷

dumb and poetic - I LOVED this on first listen now I don't really care. her voice on "jack off to lyrics by leonard cohen" and the kinda reverb is so good as well as you're so empathetic you'd make a great wife and I promise the mushrooms aren't changing your life... also this seriously happened to rachel mcguire I can't emphasise that enough! 6/10

slim pickins - god. YAWN. I liked this when I saw the live version before the album drop but the production sucked all the life out of it lol. it's repetitive and the gay awakening line pisses me off. that one tiktok voice I'll break your heart just as bad!!!! but I do love the line lord knows he isn't living large... 4/10

juno - I literally switch between loving and hating this. "you make me wanna make you fall in love" is SO fun... but wowie it does not resonate... and using juno as the vehicle to describing wanting to get pregnant is so weird idk she was a teen and she should've aborted that thing... whatever. it's definitely one of the best sounding on the album 6/10

lie to girls - boring but pretty good. the how many things of short n sweet perhaps. 5/10 ok actually I'm listening now and I'm not fucking with it at all. 3/10

don't smile - I tune out by this point. sounds nice 5/10 but makes no sense as a closer for an album that's ENTIRE deal is I'm confident and sexy and silly!!! like girl where is the silly. this is such an abrupt serious end to a bunch of nonsense. excuse my phrasing. juno should've been the last song DUH end on a HIGH not a phony moment of emotion

AS AN ALBUM. literally none of this coheres it's all over the place even though all of the songs are also kinda about the same things and it gets really repetitive? I don't know how she did that but she did. that's some sort of accomplishment. it's so bad. sorry I really hate it. 2/10

[ellieisbored3537]

Boygenius Rant Pt. 2 :)

You can't tell me that moon song and voyager aren't like corresponding to eachother. They literally are because "If I could give you the moon , I would give you the moon" and "You took it from me, but I would've given it to you"

Plus, Voyager was originally supposed to be on the punisher album, and Voyager is a spaceship, and the moon is in space, so they are both spacey, so why would it not be related.

Like those sentences kill me, and so does the entirety of each song. Voyager is a song I could listen to for weeks, and I'd never get bored of it because it's so peaceful.

I can't stop listening to it. Like no one ever talks about how good it is. Like the instrumentals, the backing vocals, the humming at the beginning, the singing, rhythm, rhyming, lyrics, imagery, how this song makes me feel safe and want to cry in a good way. This song is everything. It's definitely gonna be my top 3 probably top 1 spotify wrapped song. It helps me sleep, focus, distract me, and so much more. Like wdym this isn't one of their most popular songs? I'm glad it's not, though, because when you hear just one part of a great song over and over again on tiktok it makes you sick of it. I don't think that would happen even if it became viral because it's to good to be sick of it. I'm so glad this was release I love this so much.

Moon song is great too, but I prefer Voyager more than Moon Song because idk. Like I like the if I could give you the moon I would give you the moon part and some more other parts and instrumentals. But voyager Is everything to me. Like I love it I love listening it for days on end then finding other songs to enjoy then go back to listening to it again.

If you've never listened to voyager before, you have to. It might not be good to you but it could change everything and yeah.

I ALSO LOVE WE'RE IN LOVE BECAUSE ITS ALSO CALMING AND AHHHH. Like that's awesome I love it. Haven't listened to it as much though cuz I was stuck on voyager but when I listened to it AHHHHHHHH

Like the instrumentals the vocals don't get me started on Lucy's vocals, they are perfect. It sounds so comforting. The lyrics I love the lyrics and the flow and the everything. I love the perfect rhythm and rhyming. AND LIKE THE LINE THAT GOES "And if you don't remember , I will remind you of the hummingbirds" then "you know the ones" with "I know the ones in the background" like that is perfect and it kills me everytime. AND THE "I could go on and on and on, and I will go on and on and on until it all comes back." Like, wdym you wrote that perfectly, intrumentally perfect, vocally perfect, everything perfect. I don't know how I can listen to a good amount of their songs without getting bored.

REVOLUTION 0 IS AHHHHHHHH LIKE ITS PEACEFUL TOO WITH THE HUMMING AT THE BEGINIGN AND THE LYRIC FLOW AND THE LYRICS "I don't wanna die, that's a lie, but I'm afraid to get sick, I don't know what that is" AHHHHHHHH Like real. "If it isn't love then what the fuck is it?" REAL REAL REAL. Boygenius is giving qpr you can't change my mind. Like wdym they wrote songs for eachother like they love eachother so much and like qpr <3. Idk that's just my thoughts cuz boygenius isn't friends or dating they are a secret third thing qpr. But like idk. Maybe it's just the aroace in me or something just my thoughts or whatever. Anywho I got off track

LEONARD COHEN IS ALSO AWESOME, THE BEAT IS FASTER AND IT MAKES ME AHHH. THE FLOW OF THE WORDS THE WORDS THEMSELF AHHHHH. THANK YOU SO MUCH

LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT SONG TYPES OR WHATEVER BUT LIKE THEY ARE ALL PERFECTION. I LOVE BOYGENIUS SO MUCH.

LIKE WDYM THESE FOUR SONGS ARE TOWARDS THE BOTTOM

Uhh pt 1 I made forever ago so don't bother looking for it :D

[sweetdreamsjeff]

Jeff Buckley on Music and Life: A Rare Interview with a Rare Soul

BY MARIA POPOVA

In 1995, while working for an Italian radio station, journalist Luisa Cotardo conducted a candid, soulful, and profound conversation with beloved musician Jeff Buckley (November 17, 1966–May 29, 1997). His only studio album, Grace — which includes Buckley’s now-iconic cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” — had been released a few months earlier and he had just performed in the town of Correggio in Northern Italy as part of his European tour. Less than two years later, at the age of thirty, he would drown by a tragedy of chance while swimming in Tennessee’s Wolf River during a tour. Rolling Stone later proclaimed him one of the 100 greatest singers of all time.

Cotardo has kindly shared with me her recording of this rare and remarkably rich interview, in which Buckley discusses with great openness and grace his philosophy on music and life. Transcribed highlights below.

On why he chose not to include lyrics in the album booklet, a deliberate effort to honor music as a deeply personal experience interpreted and inhabited differently by each listener:

So that instead of people being compelled to read through the blueprint of the songs — instead of them looking at the dance steps ahead of time, they would just go through the dance. So that they would let the songs happen to them. Later on, they will find out what the meaning is, but for now — I mean, you know, we’re just meeting for the first time and it’s better… It’s better to grab your own reality from it right now instead of like, you know, read.

On what he seeks to communicate with his music, echoing composer Aaron Copland’s conviction about the interplay of emotion and intellect in great music:

[What I want to communicate] doesn’t have a language with which I can communicate it. The things that I want to communicate are simply self-evident, emotional things. And the gifts of those things are that they bring both intellectual and emotional gifts — understanding. But I don’t really have a major message that I want to bring to the world through my music. The music can tell people everything they need to know about being human beings. It’s not my information, it’s not mine. I didn’t make it. I just discovered it.

On the problem with Western charity efforts like LiveAid:

I would like for the starvation and oppression to end in Africa. I like for money from concerned people to go there, you know, to go to Africa, to aid. But … the real solution will come from Africa ruling Africa and not Britain ruling Africa, not America ruling Africa — it’s the only real key. If Africa rules Africa, that’s the only way that pattern of oppression from the outside can be stopped — not money, not only money. Money is a tool and it can be, I don’t know, I really don’t… It’s great that Mandela came out and took office in Africa. I think that’s the real revolution.

On place and what constitutes home and belonging for a global nomad like himself:

I don’t know what belonging means… I can only use my brain and intellectualize. I really wouldn’t able to tell you from the heart what belonging means… My memories of that place are my link to the place — memories of your experience in a place is your link… All people belong to the world. There is no exclusivity in that… The soil from America can differ from the soil in Malaysia, but its soil, it’s still the same. And the color of people’s skin can differ from place to place but it’s still skin. And, in that regard, there is no difference. People must belong to the earth and a traveller must belong to world somehow and the world must belong to her or him somehow. But, you know, then there’s the social level — that’s just the archetypal level, people usually live in the social level.

Echoing what Jackson Pollock’s father so poetically told his son in 1928, Buckley parlays this into his humble yet wonderfully wise advice on being in the world:

I have no advice for anybody except to, you know, be awake enough to see where you are at any given time and how that is beautiful and has poetry inside, even in places you hate.

On one’s journey of self-actualization and the organic letting go of dreams that no longer fit that journey:

It’s part of maturity, to project upon your life goals and project upon your life realized dreams and a result that you want. It’s part of becoming whole … just like a childish game. It’s honest — it’s an honest game, because … you want your life to hold hope and possibility. It’s just that, when you get to the real meat of life, is that life has its own rhythm and you cannot impose your own structure upon it — you have to listen to what it tells you, and you have to listen to what your path tells you. It’s not earth that you move with a tractor — life is not like that. Life is more like earth that you learn about and plant seeds in… It’s something you have to have a relationship with in order to experience — you can’t mold it — you can’t control it…

[allieeeiscalm]

my favorite boygenius lyrics from each song <3

boygenius (self-titled)

Bite the Hand:

“Here’s the best part distilled for you, but you want what I can’t give to you.”

Me & My Dog:

“I wanna be emaciated, I wanna hear one song without thinking of you. I wish I was on a spaceship, just me and my dog in an impossible view.”

Souvenir:

“When you cut a hole into my skull, do you hate what you see like I do?”

Stay Down:

“I’m just steering my life in a video game; similar acts and a different name.”

Salt In the Wound:

“I’m gnashing my teeth like a child of Cain. If this is a prison I’m willing to burn my own chain.”

Ketchum, ID:

“Being in love is the same thing as being alone, giving the sorrow some company.”

the record

Without You Without Them:

“I’ll give everything I’ve got; please take what I can give.”

$20:

“Pushing the flowers that come up into the front of a shotgun, so many hills to die on.”

Emily I’m Sorry:

“You know how I get when I’m wrong, and I can feel myself becoming somebody I’m not.”

True Blue:

“And it feels good to be known so well. I can’t hide from you like I hide from myself.”

Cool About It:

“Once I took your medication to know what it’s like, and now I have to act like I can’t read your mind.”

Not Strong Enough:

“Always an angel, never a God.”

Revolution 0:

“If you’re not enough, then I give up, and then nothing is.”

Leonard Cohen:

“I might like you less now that you know me so well.”

Satanist:

“If nothing matters, man, that’s a relief.”

We’re In Love:

“If you rewrite your life may I still play a part; In the next one, will you find me?”

Anti-Curse:

“You say you don’t have to make it bad just because you know how.”

Letter to An Old Poet:

“You made me feel like an equal, but I’m better than you and you should know that by now.”

<3

[hesbuckcompton-baby]

helena, hi! i've been listening to the record on loop for the past few days (it gets better every time i swear) and wanted to come pop in with an ask:

if your ocs were boygenius songs, which would they be? and, if you're feeling inspired, what about your oc ships?

BLU WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED AT THIS ASK???? YOUR MIND >>>

Valerie Harmon - Ketchum, ID

I am never anywhere / Anywhere I go / When I'm home, I'm never there / Long enough to know

Anna March - Me & My Dog

I never said I'd be alright / Just thought I could hold myself together / When I couldn't breathe, I went outside / Don't know why I thought it'd be any better

Frankie Bevan - $20

Mama told me that it don't run on wishes / But that I should have fun / Pushing the flowers that come up / Into the front of a shotgun / So many hills to die on / Run out of gas, out of time, out of money / You're doing what you can, just makin' it run

Diana Fayed - Stay Down

So would you teach me I'm the villain, aren't I? / Aren't I the one constantly repentin' for a difficult mind? / Push me down into the water like a sinner, hold me under / And I'll never come up again

Camille Whitney - Souvenir

Always managed to move in / Right next to cemeteries / And never far from a hospital / I don't know what that tells you about me

Faye Warren - Satanist

Will you be a nihilist with me? / If nothin' matters, man, that's a relief / Solomon had a point when he wrote "Ecclesiastes" / If nothing can be known, then stupidity is holy / If the void becomes a bore, we'll treat ourselves to some self-belief

George Aarons - Letter To An Old Poet

I wanna be happy / I'm ready to walk into my room without lookin' for you / I'll go up to the top of our building / And remember my dog when I see the full moon / I can't feel it yet / But I am waiting

Ships:

Val and Ron - Without You Without Them

Speak to me, speak to me, speak to me / Until your history's no mystery to me / Talk to me , talk to me, talk to me / Until the words run dry, we'll see eye to eye / I'll give everything I've got / Please take what I can give

Anna and Eugene - We're In Love

I can't imagine you without the same smile in your eyes / There is somethin' about you that I will always recognize / And if you don't remember / I will try to remind you of the hummingbirds / You know the ones

Frankie and Rosie - Black Hole

Good day, good night, good talk, goodbye / It's out of your hands, but have a safe flight / My thoughts, all noise, fake smile, decoys / Sometimes, I need to hear your voice

Diana and Reg - Voyager

It's a hundred and three in the Valley / Blacktop is meltin' on our shoes / And I don't mean to make it all about me / But I used to believe no one could love you like I do / And I'm startin' to think that it might be impossible not to 

Camille and Eugene - Not Strong Enough

I don't know why I am / The way I am / Not strong enough to be your man / I lied, I am / Just lowering your expectations

Faye and Shifty - Leonard Cohen

Leonard Cohen once said / "There's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in" / And I am not an old man having an existential crisis / At a Buddhist monastery writing horny poetry / But I agree / I never thought you'd happen to me

George and Curt - Emily, I'm Sorry

Emily, I'm sorry, I just / Make it up as I go along / And I can feel myself becoming / Someone only you could want

[spaghettificationandpretzels]

A Voice Through the Nothingness Part 3

Series Masterlist

Part 1 Part 2

Contains: Angst, fluff, protective Frank, descriptions of past domestic violence, hurt/comfort.

Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings apply and are added as needed. Do not keep reading if you feel the subject matter of this work may upset you.

3.8 K words

Comment if you want to be tagged or follow #a voice through the nothingness.

There is a crack, a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in -Leonard Cohen

The noise in Billy's new room was a blessing and a curse, a blessing because he knew he was slowly wading through his quagmire brain to reach the surface and a curse because there was never much peace to focus on his mind on his next goal.

They had only moved him yesterday, just days after Hazel told him it would happen. All his friends were there and he had hung on every word of their descriptions. There was a couch big enough for someone to lie on and Frank laughed about finally being able to spend the night without fucking up his back.

He wanted to smile as Curt detailed the view outside the huge window on the far wall, how the courtyard below was lush with grass and birds tweeting. But something that Hazel said struck him as strange, she had mentioned that she made sure he got a room where he could see all the windows and doors when he was awake. It's not that he wasn't appreciative that she had taken his hypervigilant mind into consideration, it was that she knew to do it at all.

Right now, the sound of the birds outside said window was driving him insane, had his eyes been open, the migraine would have been blinding. Mercifully Lizabeth knew him enough to know something was wrong and had put off his physio session that day so now all he had to do was hold on long enough for Hazel's visit because he knew she'd be able to fix whatever was going on with him right now.

He was close to losing it when Hazel finally arrived, the pounding in his head making him feel trapped in a tank while someone let off a machine gun. The worry in her voice was evident as she sat with him, "are you alright, you're grimacing?" 

Head

Billy's tapping was getting faster now, not so fast that he could hold a normal conversation but faster enough to get by, "you're head is hurting?" 

He clenched his fist around her hand, "is it the noise?" He squeezed his hand again and she hopped up to close the door. He heard her pause in the middle of the room as she returned to the bed, "I'm going to shut the curtains, we'll see if that helps too." 

The sound of the curtains closing sounded like nails down a chalkboard but the relief that came after was worth it. Billy wished he could hug her when as she sat back down and the banging faded to a dull ache, "I know it sucks right now but this is really good. Your eyes finally realise that there's light around and your brain doesn't know what to do with that yet, so your eyes are straining, making your head ache." 

That made a lot of sense, the ache behind his eyes had reminded him of how he felt after a day in the unforgiving desert sun, "I waved Lizzy over to come in with some meds and some eyedrops, that should really help. You need anything else?" 

Billy wanted to rub the tension from his face, do the same thing he had done a million times over his life but couldn't lift his hand more than an inch. He felt strange asking Hazel to help but he knew she wouldn't care. 

Rub face

"Ok, I can do that for you if you like?" He squeezed her hand again and she laughed at the force behind it, "alright, I hear you loud and clear, I'm just going to put some cream on my hands." 

When Hazel returned, the all familiar smell of basic, fragrance free hand lotion filled Billy's nose and her hands landed on his face. Her fingers gently pressed his temples while her thumbs softly pressed his cheeks and he could have cried from the relief he felt. 

It compounded when Lizabeth entered a few minutes later, "thank fuck you're thinking on your feet, fucking student nurses." 

Hazel huffed, "it's not my fault they send the worst ones here, mine are a dream." 

"You know Russo, she isn't the saint you think she is." Billy wanted to laugh, the more Hazel talked about herself, the more of her personality was slowly bleeding through, he knew she had some fire in her.

"I'm an angel." The hands rubbing the pain out of his face almost made him agree.

"Sure you are," Lizzy turned her attention to Billy, "this stuff should make you feel much better and I'll put a note on your door to leave everything closed until your eyes adjust."

He felt a gloved hand on his IV then felt something cool hit his eyes, the last of his pain fading as Hazel's voice filled his ears, "I'll stay with you until I have to go home."

****

The next time Billy awoke, Curtis was there reading him the newspaper. His face felt lighter and his eyes fluttered open without thought. Everything was very blurry but he could see Curt's shape in the chair, "shit man, I'll go get a nurse."

Curtis' body moved and he was left staring at the mottled blur that was the chair back. Billy tried to blink away the rough edges into clear outlines but each blink just made his eyes feel like they were filled with sandpaper.

When Curt returned with Lizzy in tow, "I'll get the doc, this is real good news Curt." Billy could tell Lizabeth was holding back her excitement.

When Curtis sat down again, Billy could make out his form more clearly, his hair looked longer and his face, while marred with worry, didn't hold the same tiredness as it used to.

When Billy tried to say something, all that came out was a harsh whisper and Curt held up a hand, "don't try and talk man, wait till the doc gets here."

Billy had so much to say, his thoughts were racing again. He thought about the typical stuff, asking Curt about how life had been and if Anvil was going well, there was only so much he could know when he could reply. But the biggest question on his mind was how he got here?"

****

Knock knock

"Yeah." 

Hazel opened the door only to be greeted by just Frank and Curtis, "where's Billy?"

Frank smiled, "Liz didn't tell you?" 

Hazel shook her head, "she's taking one of her patients to the OR, you didn't answer my question."

Curtis huffed and slapped Frank on the chest, "Billy woke up about an hour ago, they've taken him for some tests. I've been trying to explain them to Frank, I could use some help."

Her eyebrows wrinkled, Curt never had any problems explaining Billy's recovery until now, "sure, I don't see why not." 

Hazel sat at the small table in the corner in between Frank and Curt and pulled a penguin notepad and pen out of one of her many scrub pockets and drew a rough brain surrounded by layers and went on the explain how Billy woke up, going through the layers by drawing a figure next to each circle. 

"Now that his eyes are open, he's awake fully so they have to take him for tests to examine his ability to function. The most important is the swallow test and if he does well on that, they'll slowly take him off the feeding tube. After that, they'll do some other simple test to see what's going on in his brain and to try and see the full extent of the TBI." Curt was happy that Hazel knew what she was talking about. 

"When will he start to talk?" Frank's anxiety was platable. 

"Likely in the next few hours to days, especially if he's swallowing ok but like everything else, it will take time and his voice will be pretty rough for a while. They'll test his vision too and if that's intact, he should be back to normal by tonight." Hazel's voice was measured, Frank didn't like that. 

"What are you not telling us?" 

Curt shot Frank a look as if to tell him to calm down, "I'm sure they told you Billy's reaction to being questioned about the night he was injured?" They both nodded, "once he can talk, his psychological recovery will start, and it will be rough. His brain is likely suppressing all the memories so he can heal, and that will change. He'll probably have night terrors and flashbacks."

Curt rubbed his face, "you've got shrinks don't you?" 

Hazel gave him a soft smile, "yes, they'll either put him with Dr Charles or Dr Mercer, and both are amazing. I work closely with both of them, and since I'm sensing some personal disclosure here might be good, I see Dr Charles once a month. They have my complete confidence but he'll need you guys too. He's about to go through some pretty humiliating shit, both literally and figuratively, he needs to know you don't care about any of it." 

Frank sighed, "and his face?" 

Hazel blinked, "I don't know, the kids I work with facial injuries have had wildly different reactions. I imagine he'll ask the moment he has the chance since he'll be able to feel that something is different but the rest will be up to the physiatrist and Billy." 

She sighed, "it's going to be a very long road and things will not be easy. You guys have to ready yourself for the worst of it, as his muscles start to work again, there will be times were he's in so much pain he's screaming, and he will say shit that will cut you to the bone if you're the one who picked up the rehab shift, you just gotta let go." 

Curt laid his hand on her forearm, "thank you Hazel, really, we're all very grateful for everything you've done for Bill." 

She gave him a soft smile, "I know. I have to get back to work now but I'll be back in the afternoon for my normal visit." 

Frank flashed her a smile, "great, Karen will be here too, she's finally finished with her latest story, I'm sure she'll be happy to hear this from you." 

Hazel nodded, "I'm happy to answer any questions anyone has." With that, she left, leaving Frank and Curtis alone. 

"You gotta go easy on her man, you really think Billy would be awake now if she hadn't say with him everyday we weren't here?" Curt thought Frank was over his protective streak. 

Frank groaned, "I want to but she's hiding something." 

Curt huffed, "so do a background check on her, if you were really worried you would have done it already."

Frank's jaw clenched, "you don't think I should wait and ask Bill?"

Curt crossed his arms over his chest, "we both know you'll go ahead with it even if he says no."

Frank let out a chuckle, "Don't you know it."

****

Billy was in much better spirits when he returned from all his tests, he looked tired but proud, "how did it go Bill?"

Frank's question was met with a slight smile, "good."

Frank made a face, "you sound like you've been garling rocks."

"Frank, he just woke up from a coma." Curt's voice lacked something and Billy was a bit worried.

"What?" Even freshly awake, Billy could still read his friends.

"Frank wants to do a background check on your nurse friend, he's doing it whether you want it or not so now's the time to say something."

Frank glared at Curt, "I just want to know it she's all above board, that's all. I don't plan to poke too much."

"Her last name's Moreau." Billy sounded conflicted, "she's a good person."

Curt rubbed his face, "let's not talk about this now. Let Frank run his check and if something comes up we'll deal with it."

Billy smiled, "thanks Curt."

****

Billy was overjoyed to finally be speaking to his friends, sure it was hard and it felt like he was swallowing razor blades but it was worth every second, even more so when he heard Hazel's footsteps approach.

He turned his head slowly towards the door and took in her blurry frame, "hi."

As he walked close, he could see the grin on her face, "hello Billy, how are you feeling?"

He shot her a smile, "sore."

She shook her head fondly, "that's par for the course, how's your vision?"

"I don't know, are you as pretty as I think you are."

Hazel suppressed a smile, "oh, the nurses are going to love you. You should save your voice, if you're not careful you'll end up straining it and you've been cleared to drink thickened fluids so I expect you to be well hydrated at all times."

Curt laughed, "and you thought you were going to get off easy."

Hazel huffed, "oh no, not with me. I've been told I can be a big meanie."

Billy's laugh sounded like he was about the lose a lung and Frank picked up the cup and held the straw to his lips. Billy sucked the water down eagerly and rested back into the pillows, finally content to rest a while.

"When's Karen getting here?" Curt could tell Hazel was feeling Frank's apprehension.

"She just found a park, how's you day been?"

Hazel looked taken aback at Frank's question, "good, I did a half day in the ER so I'm pretty tried but I wouldn't miss my two hours for the world."

"Why is that, I'm sure you want to go home and.."

"Frank." Billy's voice was as harsh as he could manage, "let up."

Hazel swallowed, "It's ok Billy, I'm sure Frank's just looking out for you. I enjoy Billy's company and I like helping people. I have no other motives."

Before Frank could ask more, Karen arrived, "Hazel, it's so good to see you again." To Hazel's surprise, Karen hugged her as Hazel got up to greet her. Hazel returned it happily and the tension left the room.

"I bet you've seen some shit in the ER?" Billy was beyond grateful for Curtis, nothing brought people closer than swapping war stories.

Hazel groaned, "you really don't want to know."

Without thinking, Billy lifted his hand just enough to tap her, "yeah we do, these fucks love drama."

Hazel smiled, "oh, if you want stories, I've got some."

****

The disappointment that came over the room when Hazel had to go home gave Frank even more of a pause as he went to do the background check. Deep down, he knew she meant no harm and the more she talked, the more he liked her but he couldn't shake the feeling that she was hiding something. She just kept things too surface level, she spoke about herself and her life without really telling anyone much.

But everything made sense when he combed through her file. He felt a wave of shame as he closed his laptop, unsure of how to go forward. He knew one thing, he was going to have to make this right when he saw her next.

****

"How do you like your new room?" Hazel's visits had changed a lot in the last few days, especially now that Billy could talk without much trouble.

"It's good, I like being able to see everything that's going on so thank you for that."

Hazel smiled, "no worries, I wanted to make sure you felt comfortable."

As much as Billy disapproved of Frank's methods, he couldn't deny he wanted to do some poking of his own, "how did you know that I'd feel better if I could see all the doors and windows?"

"My neighbour in my first apartment was in the Army. The block wasn't in the best area so it was hard to sleep sometimes, we spent a lot of time talking on the roof. He always had to see the door or he'd get anxious." Billy was surprised that she was being so open.

"You still talk to him?" He didn't know why he asked that, he had no reason to care if she talked to a neighbour from years ago.

She shook her head, "no, he joined the Rangers. I have no idea what happened to him. Hell, I didn't even know his first name."

Billy smiled, "how old was he?"

"He'd be about our age if he's still alive, he was a nice enough guy. His last name was Philips, big dude, he had a rose tattoo on his forearm." Hazel spoke like she was recalling an old friend.

Billy huffed, "it's a small fucking world. His first name's Thomas, he works for Anvil."

Hazel's eyes went wide, "shit, it is. How is he?"

Billy smiled, "good, he's got a wife and two little kids. He's at our Manhattan location.

There was genuine warmth on Hazel's face, "I'm glad to hear he's going well."

Something in her changed and as much as she tried to hide it, Billy picked up on it, "what's wrong?"

Hazel shook her head, "long story, it's nothing really. But enough about me, tell me all about Anvil, my googling didn't turn up much."

Billy chuckled, "ah, you did research?"

Hazel sighed, "only a little. My best friend's your nurse, I had to make sure you were above board."

Billy tilted his head, "and if we weren't?"

Hazel suppressed a smile, "I don't know, I'd her tell to watch that you don't go all Hannibal Lecter."

Billy grinned, "nah, nurses don't taste very good."

Hazel shook her head, "I think that's my cue to go back to work, I'll be back this afternoon."

Billy smiled softly, "I can't wait."

****

Frank seemed very different when Hazel came for her afternoon visit, Billy was suspicious but he was happy about the change. "How was your day?"

A look of curiosity flashed over Hazel's face, "good, I worked in the PICU today so things have been both very busy and very slow."

Frank huffed, "we call that hurry up and wait, made me wanna rip my hair out."

She sighed, "it's the doctors, they think the hospital runs because of them when it's really the nurses keeping shit going, picket line crossing motherfucker. I'm sorry, I shouldn't swear or badmouth my colleagues."

Billy grinned, "you kidding me? Go off, I see the way some of them talk to you guys, you deserve to rant."

"Oh my God you have no idea. In the last hospital I worked in we had no real way to report doctors for bad behaviour, it was like the wild west. It's a lot better here but so is everything else." Billy's suspicion was growing, Frank hadn't poked at all today

"You two seem like you're getting along." Billy was looking at Frank with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, I imagine Frank's made up his mind about me, but not before a background check, am I right?" There was a little bit of bite in Hazel's tone and Frank realised that it was better late than never to apologise.

"Are you pissed I looked into you?" Billy felt like he was caught in the middle of something.

Hazel shook her head, "no, like I said before, Billy is your best friend, I understand where you're coming from. I'd do the same thing if I was in your position. Did you find what you were looking for?"

Frank swallowed, "I thought you might be hiding something, I realise now you have every reason to be a little bit closed off."

Billy looked at her, "what's he talking about?"

Hazel took a deep breath, "The boyfriend I had before I moved here almost strangled me to death in a steroid fueled rage. There were no warning signs, he just flew off the handle one day. Up until that point, he had only ever raised his voice once and that was the day before it happend." There was no shame in her voice and she spoke of it like she was recalling a traffic jam.

"What happened to him?" The fury in Billy's voice was poorly concealed.

"I shot him, twice. I knew things were going bad when he returned from work and asked me if I had talked to the cops. Things escalated, he wouldn't leave, I pulled out my legally registered handgun and told him to leave and he didn't. The first shot took out his knee but he didn't feel it, it came to blows and he made a show of removing the magazine before he climbed on top of me and wrapped his hands around my neck."

Billy's tactical mind had taken over and a smile came across his face, "he didn't empty the chamber?"

Hazel mirrored Billy's smile and shook her head, "nope, he didn't. I managed to get my hands on the gun before I passed out and the rest is history."

"Atta girl." Billy could tell Frank was both proud and impressed.

"I'm guessing you talked to Thomas Philips when you realised we were neighbours when it happened?"

Frank nodded, "yeah, I did. He said he walked in just after it happened."

Hazel huffed, "did he tell you what told he the police or what he actually saw?"

Frank smiled, "what he actually saw, he's not sorry for lying for you and he said he'd do it again."

Billy looked back and forth between them, " Philips told the cops he heard the shot and came running and when he walked in, I was rendering aid. In reality, I was reloading the gun, I was going to kill him."

Billy felt strange, he knew he saw something in her, "where is he now?"

"Prison, he was pissed because he thought I told the cops he was dealing a new PED. I had my suspicions he was taking them but I couldn't prove it, I had no idea he was dealing. He's doing seven to nine for assault and possession with intent to distribute. The DA wanted charge him with attempted murder but he took a plea."

"I'm sorry that happened to you." Billy knew what it was like to fear for your life when someone bigger and stronger was trying to hurt you.

"Nah, I learned some valuable lessons about myself that day and I wouldn't have come to New York if it didn't happen. You got any more questions?"

Frank smiled, "is marksmanship as good as your gun range makes it seem?"

She smiled, "hell yeah, I'm very accurate."

Billy had a look on his face, "I thought you were just going to poke a little?"

Frank held up his hand, "hey, I needed to know if she knew what she was doing with that hand canon."

Hazel laid her hand on Billy's forearm, "I'm not mad at either of you for looking into me. I understand why you did it."

Billy smiled, "that's good because I'd be pretty mad at Frank if he scared you off."

Hazel smiled, "I don't scare that easy."

Part 4

[gwaedhannen]

5, 12, 13 for Elwing if you want

-@outofangband

Also got 5/14/22/25 for Elwing from another anon.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Sunblind by Fleet Foxes, thanks to The Myth Hanging Heavy Over You, of course.

For a second answer since it got asked twice, Anthem by Leonard Cohen. Bird imagery of course, and it's a very Tolkien song in general, all about finding beauty and love in a broken world.

Yeah the wars they will be fought again The holy dove she will be caught again Bought and sold and bought again The dove is never free Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering There is a crack, a crack in everything That's how the light gets in

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Pulling from The Myth Hanging Heavy Over You again, she cries a lot but really didn't want Elros and Elrond to know. Hence leaving in the middle of the night to cry over (and eat) the lembas she can't give to Earendil, and the handkerchiefs hidden in every piece of furniture in their house so she can quickly dry her tears at any moment.

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

It's a wonderful day in Gillond, and you are a horrible 🪿

(that's :goose: in case it's not rendering)

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

I think she makes a point in Valinor to wear as little white as possible. Both because it reminds her of the Kinslaying and her attempted suicide, and because she's a bit miffed at how she got turned into a symbol. Turns out you can wear as technicolor an ensemble as you want, and it'll still look good in Silmaril-light.

She absolutely plays up the bird motifs for formal events though. Helps that she has an infinite source of feathers from her friends!

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

Like: giving her friends and a community in Valinor! I don't know why it seems like the default is to make her completely isolated at her tower aside from Earendil, but it bugs me.

Dislike: aside from the obvious (bashing her to make the Feanorians look better), silver-haired Elwing just irks me the wrong way for no real reason. Dark hair just seems right! Although my personal image of her does have a single streak of white-silver hair among the dark.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

I first read the Silm some 15 years ago so I honestly don't remember? Probably something along the lines of "aw that's sad".

Now: must protecc. Let her be angry! Let her look at the world that failed her and twisted her into an instrument of fate and demand it do better! Let her look in the eyes of her childhood monsters who ruined her life twice and know it doesn't matter to her whether she forgives them or not, because she's healed regardless!

[consistentsquash]

Detailed Fic Rec - Ossuarium

ASOIAF Wednesday!

Super excited to rec one of the most brilliant fics I have read in any fandom! It does the impossible by combining book and show canon to deliver character studies with consistent characterizations and subtle recurring themes that build up into masterful storytelling on a bigger scale.

Structure - The series is based on Liszt's Symphonic Poems. Like the music which inspired it, the fic uses one-shots with interwoven themes and character motifs to build a bigger, overarching theme. Think about it like a Dr. Who series written by Moffat. Lots of complex and recurring themes but each episode in the series is a standalone you can read on its own. The POVs are unreliable but we get multiple POVs from characters and the full story really comes together without confusion.

Rec note - Recs are based on my reading. They are subjective based on what I like.

 Fic details

Ossuarium on AO3 by eldritcher (2022)

Length - 65000 words.

Rating - G to M

Summary - Soon.

Warnings - I didn't see any Major Archive Warnings or triggers in the fics. But the fics can feel heavy because of the canon angst. The writing has an insidious, lingering buildup which can make the emotions hit harder after reading.

 Description

The series is around 65000 words. It switches between multiple POVs of the Targaryen family characters. The one-shots are essentially character studies. The plot happens in the interwoven themes. It's a really unique series construction.

Talk about perfect summaries - The Soon in the summary is literal and allegorical. The sense of danger and suspense buildup as the events start getting out of control for the characters is really, really vivid.

 Pairings

Het, Slash, Femslash.

The main pairing is Daemon/Rhaenyra, but it is in context of the dysfunctional family relationships Daemon, Viserys and Rhaenyra have with each other. The relationship between the brothers is really, really messed up in classic Targ style. Similarly the Rhaenyra/Alicent relationship is also super messed up.

 Characterizations

I haven't read better characterizations for Daemon, Viserys or Rhaenyra anywhere else. The themes and the motifs build them into living, breathing characters with their own character journeys and regressions.

The side characters like Alicent, Laena, Rhaenys, Corlys and other family are also super fleshed out and come alive.

The standout characterizations are for the dragons. Caraxes and Vhagar are going to make you cry. I am not joking.

 Going Deeper

The prose is lyrical and musical. If you are reading with a screen-reader you are in for a treat because of the pacing/word choices making everything sound like a Leonard Cohen album.

Eldritcher’s writing is deeply emotional without being melodramatic. It is really brilliant how the symbolism and metaphors connect the generational trauma to the story and to the main characters.

The character voices have different styles of prose but there is a common writing style that creates the vibe of the series. Literally almost every other line is a quote you can frame on your wall.

 Soon the virgin

Relationship - Rhaenyra/Daemon

POV - Rhaenyra.

Blurb - The first fic of the series. A Rhaenyra character study that establishes the characterizations for Rhaenyra and Daemon and sets the context for their relationship dynamics. Although there is no Viserys appearance in this fic, we also get to see how much he has influenced their lives.

Why I love it - I am really picky about power dynamics in relationships where there are seriously messed up conflicts of interest and relative power differences. Rhaenyra calls the shots here. She is in control. The inverted power dynamics works brilliantly.

She will have to do everything herself. She does not mind. She knows what to do. She raps a finger on his mouth. He opens for her, with a smile and a sigh. She dips her finger into his throat, and withdraws with a scratchy caress of the roof of his mouth. He laughs with his eyes when she punishes his restraint by dealing a sharp pinch to his tongue.

 Soon the burning youth

Relationship - Viserys/Daemon

POV - Viserys

Blurb - Viserys and Daemon in a nutshell. Really messed up. Really Targaryen. Really brilliant at maximum self-sabotage. We get to see how complementary they really are but of course their egos and self-sabotage are out of control. The canon war has a lot of causes. But this is definitely one of the biggest problems which leads to the war.

Why I love it - This is Viserys. He is absolutely a Targaryen. His internal voice is extra Targaryen as if compensating for his external personality presentation. But he is really indecisive and all about that sweet self-sabotage. A really complicated personality with big grudges and deep love.

You wished that you could hit him. You wished that you could kick him in the guts once more. You wished that you could loom over him and watch his misery. His misery was as much of his making as it was of yours. You beheld it and wept for his unhappiness. You beheld it and delighted in his loneliness.

 Soon the wedding hymn

Relationships - Rhaenyra/Daemon, Viserys/Daemon

POV - Viserys

Blurb - Viserys obsessing about Rhaenyra and Daemon. Because he is that obsessed with his brother and really committed to self-sabotage. This is one of the most intense fics of the series.

Why I love it - Viserys and Daemon have a lot of common traits. But right before Viserys dies, we get to see how their character journeys took them in different directions. Daemon's character change is incredible. Viserys, on the other hand, is stuck in the past. Daemon was more about living in the moment compared to Viserys and it really shows in this fic.

He would not beg you again, you feared. He had Rhaenyra. He might thrive with her.

If he were your sister—

 Soon the maiden's thirds

Relationships - Alicent/Rhaenyra, Daemon/Rhaenyra

POV - Alicent

Blurb - Alicent characterization is incredible in this fic. She has a ton of contradictions in her personality and how she presents herself to different people. Who is Alicent actually?

Why I love it - It's heartbreaking and brilliant how the series characterizes gender role and presentation. Alicent maybe is the most affected because of the "box" of gender roles she's got to deal with. You get to see sort of a mindbreak because instead of performing a role her personality gradually changes to become that. It's really heartbreaking. The psychology in this series is incredible.

It should be Alicent at her side. It should be Alicent's hands about her.

 Soon the light on Olympus

Relationship - Daemon/Rhaenyra, Daemon/Viserys

POV - Daemon

Blurb - This is the most fascinating fic in the series. Daemon POV! We get to see inside his head! His characterization is a standout in this series and we get to see that from his own POV here.

Why I love it - The love he has for his family plus his pretty whacky ideas about how they are superior makes this a winner. He's definitely not the type you want to hire for a 9 to 5 desk job in Customer Support.

Viserys pleased everyone else. He wanted his brother to please him. And Daemon, Daemon did not have it in him to please anyone at all.

 Soon the untended wedlock

POV - Rhea

Blurb - Rhea Royce is written with a really good characterization. You feel pity and sympathy for her situation. But at the same time you also feel sad about Daemon. Jeyne Arryn is Rhea's BFF and she is the type of BFF everybody needs in their life. She calls it like she sees it.

Why I love it - The Rhea characterization is perfection.

It needn't have come to this. Viserys could have annulled their marriage when he became King. He could have wedded his daughter to his brother. Rhea could then have married another.

 Soon the vestal bride

Relationship - Alicent/Rhaenyra, Daemon/Rhaenyra

POV - Alicent

Blurb - Alicent feels really betrayed after she understands that Rhaenyra lied to her.

Why I love it - The relationship between Alicent and Rhaenyra is amazing. We get to see the death of the relationship they used to have as friends with some romance going on. But Alicent hasn't totally given up her love yet. Alicent's characterization and motivation is incredible here. Is it just performative? Does she actually believe in what she is doing?

Alicent cannot be Rhaenyra's lover. So she will be Rhaenyra's mother.

 Soon the feasting troth

Relationships - Daemon/Rhaenyra, Daemon/Viserys

POV - Viserys

Blurb - Viserys at the Royal Wedding being jealous of everybody and everything.

Why I love it - Because Viserys! He is so hyperaware about Daemon and Rhaenyra. Daemon is amazing in this fic. The good and the bad parts of the relationship between the siblings really shine here.

The food was sliced neatly into chunks that a man with only one good hand could eat. No tender morsel that was served at the royal feast. Sheep. The meat was charred by open flame. And when you took a bite, it warmed you as only dragon-warmth could. Brother feasted on brother's troth.

 Soon the espoused sea

Relationships - Corlys/Rhaenys, Viserys/Rhaenys

POV - Rhaenys

Blurb - BAMF Rhaenys is the real deal. We get to see a snapshot of her life before she is removed from the succession.

Why I love it - Queen Rhaenys was probably a better choice. Jaeherys the Misogynist didn't get that. But we get to see that her own cousins including Viserys are on her side here. Yay! Fic giving us the soul food we need!

"What you have seen and done... I have lived so little, Lord Corlys. I am afraid you will tire of me."

"You crawled up the volcano's heart to claim a dragon." Boldly, despite Grandmother's vigil, he bent to kiss my brow. "I have waited for a woman like you for decades. Do you truly think that I would make a mistake now?"

 Soon the hymen-song

Relationships - Daemon/Rhaenyra

POV - Rhaenyra

Blurb - We love a man who isn't scared about giving up some control some of the time. We love a girl working through her body image issues and accepting herself. So this fic is like total wish fulfillment for us.

Why I love it - The fic uses intimacy for psychological character study. What's not to love? Really really beautiful and healing fic.

He kissed her for her boldness, and she knew once more what it was to delight.

 Soon a more cruel fire

Relationship - Corlys/Rhaenys/Daemon

POV - Corlys

Blurb - Crackship? Think again. This fic makes it work and makes you root for these three.

Why I love it - The trust these three have is off the charts.

Rhaenys wanted her uncle once. She wanted Baelon Targaryen. Baelon died heartbroken after his wife's death in the birthing bed. He left behind two children. One became King. The other stands at the threshold of your chambers, gauging the lay of the land.

 Soon the juvenal

Relationship - Laena/Daemon

POV - Laena

Blurb - The softest and also the most sensual fic in the series. Laena is a BAMF character but her characterization and story is more compliant with book canon. Wholesome and sweet.

Why I love it - Justice for Laena! The context and the payoff is really good here. The prose is like honey.

She left her perch by the window and joined him at the threshold, so that she might grab the ends of her skirt and mop the sweat from his brow. He looked at her as the men in the bazaar below looked at the painted girls. Want was a warm and homely thing, in wedlock's embrace. She took him by the hand and led him to the fat table where was arrayed their supper of amber wine and spelt bread and sheep's cheese.

 Soon the god's hoar

POV - Vhagar

Blurb - The angstiest fic in the series. Vhagar has seen a lot and is really tired. She wants a rider who won't ask her to participate in any wars.

Why I love it - Because we get to see how much the Targaryen dragons suffered because of their riders. It's horrible. I cried.

Three she had wedded. One to war. The other to grief. The last to hearth. One more. The hearth was not made for loneliness. Even a god feared loneliness, when her dominion was the hearth.

 Soon the close-clinging daughter

Relationship - Rhaenyra/Daemon (background)

POV - Rhaena

Blurb - All the feels! Rhaena and Daemon bonding with some great father-daughter moments including dragons.

Why I love it - Daemon connecting with his daughter. Because he is trying to be a good father. This is a really brilliant contrast because of Viserys doing a bad job of connecting with Rhaenyra after Aemma's death. We get to see the difference between the brothers here.

A close-clinging daughter sought mother's comfort once. A close-clinging daughter shielded her father as he wept.

 Soon the fortunate hour

POV - Otto Hightower

Blurb - Most of the fics in this fandom are pro-Blacks. This fic is pro-Green because it is written from Otto's POV. It adds a lot of complexity and nuance about his motivations.

Why I love it - Because Otto is intense. His POV is a really close third person and it has this suffocating feeling. Like things are about to get out of control really soon.

Otto hopes that Daemon gets the wretched girl with child. The closer Daemon binds Rhaenyra to him, the farther the lords of the realm will want her from the throne and the quicker they will be to support Aegon. Even Viserys would have to set them aside then.

 Soon the vine to elm

POV - Caraxes

Blurb - If you read only one fic from this fandom, it needs to be this.

Why I love it - Because this is the best fic in the series in my subjective opinion. It is brilliant, poignant and encompasses everything about the symbiotic dynamics of the Targaryen family and their dragons.

Theirs is a warped and malformed bond, where ou steers instead of being steered. Daemon trusts ou to steer.

 Ossuarium

Relationship - Viserys/Daenerys

POV - Viserys

Blurb - It's really fitting how the last fics of the series are written in two sibling POVs from Viserys and Dany because they mirror the Viserys and Daemon sibling relationship which we got to see in the earlier fics.

Why I love it - Viserys is intense and really, really psychologically damaged. You won't like him because he isn't likable. But you are going to feel sorry for him just like you felt sorry for King Viserys in the first fics in this series. The mirroring is fantastic. Phenomenal characterization work for Viserys and Dany.

The third Viserys taught his sister-daughter-wife and fed her their mother's crown. She stands beside her war-husband and ushers in the ossuarium of her house.

Soon the—

Rec note - THIS! THIS IS WHERE WE GET TO SEE THE PAYOFF! The titles build up the suspense and the danger until we get to see the final payoff in this fic. It's tragic. Of course it's tragic. The Targaryens are a really tragic family. But it's also incredible to see how low they fall because of their self-sabotage and generational trauma.

 Sovngarde

Relationship - Drogon/Daenerys

POV - Drogon

Blurb - I know the pairing is insane af. But you won't regret giving the fic a chance. It's really beautiful.

Why I love it - We get to see a codependent relationship explored in more of the classic Star Trek scifi style without fetishization. This definitely is NOT what you are expecting. SFW. A beautiful concluding fic where we get to see the Targaryens and the dragons finally accepting the blood magic that got them connected in the first place. It's also a great GOT S8 fixit for people who care about that. You can see all her Targ ancestors showing up in Dany's characterization. Especially love how we get to see Daemon's personality in her characterization. Similarly Drogon also has a lot of similar characterization with the other dragons in the series like Caraxes and Vhagar. The Targaryen family completes their full circle here.

Ou took her home, to the new circle of fourteen that rose out of the Great Grass Sea. The horse-people had taken to leaving fat goats at mountains' root, to appease the dragons that lived within.

 Subjective Stuff

Like any media/content there are going to be things that don't work for some readers/consumers.

A lot of fans are Daemyra only OTP fans. They are probably not going to vibe with the series because of its multi shipping angle though the biggest relationship is definitely Daemyra.

A lot of fans don't read gen/slash/femslash. They probably won't vibe with the series because it contains literally everything.

Spoilers for the books. If you are a show only fan who doesn't want spoilers reading the series is probably a bad idea.

The prose. It is some of the best prose I have read in published media/fanfic. Eldritcher has an unreal level of control and precision when it comes to prose. But that surgical precision can definitely weird out some readers.

 Final thoughts

10/10. The series is also holding up awesome on rereads. There is a ton of lore and psychology here which means you are going to discover something new each time you reread. This is a difficult series to write a good rec about. Because there are a lot of brilliant and unique features about the characterizations, dynamics and prose it's hard to just pick One Good Thing. If that isn't an indicator of a great fic I don't know what else is.

I was just going to rec selected fics from this series. But it was impossible to choose. I ended up reccing everything because it's one of the rare series without a single dud.

 So!

This series is now solidly in my Fandom top-5. Incredible, fantastic, brilliant one of a kind work.

[dancing-to-architecture]

39 - The Eagles - Hotel California (1976)

Ugh. No. I refuse. You can't fuckin' make me. Give me the screaming German chainsaw techno. Please!

I KNEW that Jeffrey Lebowski was My Guy as soon as he said the immortal line: "Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!"

Don't ask me why i hate the eagles. I know they're technically competent and all that, like they're good at what they do. I also have an irrational hatred of Josh Groban and he's technically competent as well.

I think it's a mix of being dramatically overplayed throughout my life and my just being wholly uninterested in any their work, or just a general dislike of most of the people who are vocal fans of the band.

Fuck it. Buy the hellticket, take the hellride.

•Hotel California-

Aww, fuck me, "she got the Mercedes bends" is actually a good turn of phrase. I never once caught it until I actually read it, though.

The line about "we haven't had that spirit here since 1969" only gets dumber and funnier the older this song gets. The dude orders "a wine" and it just blows this guy away!

So, uhh, the food? scares the shit out of the guy? They're all killer robots? But they just can't kill the beast? What the fuck is the end of this stupid fucking song even saying?

Fuck, i hate the Eagles and i hate this goddamn song.

•New Kid In Town-

This feels like 1976. Different singer? Feels a bit more folksy.

Oh boy i really hate this.

•Life In The Fast Lane-

One of the only Eagles songs that doesn't make me wish i was born deaf... might be because i honestly thought this was a Dire Straits song for like 20 years.

But, after reading all the creepy horny lyrics in the verses that i generally can tune out, i almost wish i was born deaf AND blind.

Might be because I've never been all that fond of cars, but why are there so many songs about wanting to fuck in cars?

•Wasted Time-

Breakup song. It's okay. I've heard better ones today, let alone throughout this project.

•Wasted Time-

(Me reviewing this album)

Yeah let's reprise the song we literally just finished, why not? And also give it the same title!

•Victim of Love-

"Clearly, everything is the woman's fault." 🙄

•Pretty Maids All in a Row-

Title sounds like the name of a porno. Interminably slow, with "I'm stoned and this feels deep" lyrics.

After listening to Leonard Cohen talk about similar themes this just feels even more trite.

•Try and Love Again-

It looks from the lyrics that he had a good thing going and went for something else and now he laments what he "lost" (walked away from). 🙄🙄

•The Last Resort-

Worthless hippies and their native cultural appropriation and inability to actually DO anything. Fucking Christian cults and their megachurches actively destroying this country in the name of God, then packaging and selling hope back to the dipshit faithful.

I honestly like what this song is saying, but i think I'd vastly prefer it packaged in a 2 ½ minute long aggressive punk song than some 8 minute grandiose soft rock epic.

Well, it's over, and i still hate the fuckin' Eagles. Next!

Favorite Track: i was initially thinking life in the fast lane but now i am going to say "the peaceful silence after the album was finished".

Least Favorite Track: E. All of the above.

[sjsmith56]

Finding Jade - Chapter 2. The Sky With No Clouds

Summary: The woman found in the badlands regains consciousness. Jade has been looking for the Heroes as she’s learned how to defeat the Others. She also reveals that she has abilities.

Length: 2.4K

Characters: Bucky, Steve, Bruce, Jade, Ma.

Warnings: none really except Jade seems odd to the Avengers. Her telepathic abilities aren’t threatening.

Author notes: The look for Jade was deliberate, petite, with pale blonde (almost white) hair. The character was inspired by the look of an Australian model, Ollie Henderson, who went blonde for while. It gave her an otherworldly look that contrasted sharply with Bucky’s size as well as the physical and emotional darkness that surrounded him. Jade’s oddness also comes from her background but as she lives with the Avengers she will adapt quickly. At a point later in the story she will make a decision that affects her character deeply.

<<Chapter 1

🐕

Ma sat meditating in the hidden garden of the Sanctuary, trying to make contact with her adopted daughter Jade without success.  They had argued about whether they should stay in the safety of the Sanctuary or try to make it to the Bunker, where the Heroes were.  Ma called them Heroes remembering how they had stopped that Thanos guy from killing everyone after he had killed half of all people the first time.  Ma had been able to sense and stop the Snap from happening to her, Jade and Ben but Jade's husband Seth had been on a foraging expedition in the Badlands and had never returned.  At the time they had thought he disappeared in the Snap but when the Heroes reversed it five years after the Snap and Seth didn't return Ma knew it was something else.  A year after Thanos was defeated for good the Others came.  Life became a struggle for everyone, even the Heroes.  That's why Jade wanted to go on to the Bunker.  She had found out what would kill the Others and she wanted the Heroes to know about it.  The old woman decided to try one more time to reach Jade.  Focusing on the talisman made of jade in her hand she pictured her daughter and sent her a thought.

"Jade, wake up," she thought.

There was nothing at first then she heard it, weak but alive.  "Ma, I made it," thought Jade back to her.  "I'm alive and in the Bunker."

"Rest Jade," said Ma.  "Get your strength.  Ben and I are safe.  We will wait for you.  Take your time."

Jade acknowledged the advice and her thoughts turned soft as she allowed herself to sleep.  Ma could hear Jade's subconscious as she slipped into the sleep cycle.  When the dream cycle started and it was a dream of the three of them playing she was satisfied and withdrew from Jade's mind.  Her daughter was alive and with the Heroes.

There is a crack, a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

Anthem by Leonard Cohen

Bruce watched his patient as he sterilized his instruments.  She had stirred briefly about an hour previously and he thought she would waken but he realized she had gone from unconsciousness to sleeping.  It was confirmed when he noticed the rapid eye movement behind her eye lids.  Thank goodness Bucky had cleaned her up.  He wouldn't have noticed the REM with all the crusted dirt on her eyes.  Her colour was better, proof that the broad spectrum antibiotic had done its work and was battling the poison that most Other wounds often had.  She must have been terrified to come through the Badlands alone.  The fact the Others may have followed her into the Badlands was an indication to him that she was important.  The Others weren't stupid.  They didn't go where there wasn't water.  It's why the Bunker was built where it was, in the middle of the desert next to the Badlands of New Mexico.  Once a connection had been made that the Others liked water most survivors had found ways to isolate their water supplies to keep them hidden from the aliens.  Until this strange woman woke up Bruce wouldn't know why she came through the Badlands nor why the Others were after her. 

He wished Wanda was here.  She could gently probe the woman's mind while she slept.  But she was on leave, having slipped into a depression on the anniversary of Vision's death.  He felt compassion for her as he also struggled on the anniversaries of Natasha's death.  Wanda and Vision at least had declared their love and had been able to have a physical relationship.  He hadn't ever really told Natasha how he felt and had run when she tried to push the relationship further.  To the end of his days he would always regret that.  He heard a small groan and he jumped out of his chair, coming to the bedside.  He checked her IV and when he looked at her again her eyes were open and she was looking at him.

"Hey," he said softly.  "I'm Bruce.  What's your name?"

"Jade," she said in almost a whisper.  "Am I in the Bunker? I need to see the Heroes."

"You're in the Bunker," he replied, noting her name fit her eye colour.  "By Heroes I hope you mean the Avengers.  They're here waiting to talk to you.  Do you feel up to it?"

Jade nodded and Bruce helped her sit up a bit.  He gave her a glass of water which she drained.   She looked down and saw the scrubs top and bottoms.

"Where's my tank top?" she asked.  "And my jacket and pants."

"Your jacket and pants are on the chair," he motioned to the chair near her bed.  "They're pretty dirty so we'll wash them and get them back to you.  We had to cut your tank top off.  I'm sorry but when we cleaned you up we saw you without clothing but the man who washed you is a good guy.  He won't say anything to anyone else about what he saw."

She got a faraway look in her eyes for a moment.  "The long haired man with blue eyes," she said.  "He's sad."

Bruce nodded.  "His wife and baby son died last year," he replied.  "He is sad."

"You saw my tattoo then," she said.  "I'm not with them.  They ran me out of the commune when I was a child.  Said I was cursed.  Ma found me in the Badlands and adopted me.  I was married but Seth disappeared in the Snap and never returned.  My son, Ben, is with Ma in the Sanctuary.  We have to get them out of there.  It won't be safe much longer.  The Others have big plans."

Bruce looked at her.  "How did you know I was going to ask those questions?" he asked.

"It's my curse," she said.  "It's why the Children of Adam cast me out when I was six years old."

"How old are you now?" asked Bruce.

"Thirty one," she said.  "Can you call the one who found me and the long haired one.  The dog can come as well.  You stay, too.  You're nice."

Bruce went to the intercom on the wall and called Steve and Bucky.  Said the woman was awake and wanted to talk but only to them and to him.  He added "bring the dog" to the conversation.  A few minutes later they walked in and she smiled at them.  Bruce made the introductions.

"Thank you for finding me and bringing me here," she said to Steve. 

"Thank you for alerting your master," she said to Buddy, who jumped up and put his paw in her hand. 

"Thank you for cleaning me so well," she said to Bucky.  "You did a good job on my hair.  I've already explained to Bruce that you don't have to worry about the tattoo.  They cast me out when I was six years old.  In their eyes I was cursed.  But Ma, that's my adopted mother, found me in the Badlands and took me in.  She calls it a gift because she has one as well.  She's listening right now as we talk.   My son Ben is with her.  He doesn't have a gift except he's my son and I love him."

She stopped speaking, looking at the three men expectantly.  They were all a bit taken aback by her style of speaking but Steve cleared his throat.  "Why were you in the Badlands?" he asked.

"Trying to get away from the Others," she said.  "They followed me in a ways and were able to wound me.  They knew I had important information for you and were trying to stop me."

"Where are Ma and Ben?" asked Bucky.

"They're in the Sanctuary," she said.  "It's on the other side of the Badlands and Ma has been able to hide it from the Others.  They know it's there somewhere but they can't see it.  Would you like to see it?"

She put her hand out to Bucky and he touched it.  He immediately had a vision of an oasis in the desert.  An older woman with blue eyes and white hair sat and smiled at him.  When Jade let his hand go the vision disappeared. 

"Don't be sad for Lily," said Jade.  "She knows you miss her and the boy.  They watch you and hope you move on someday."

Bucky started breathing heavily and turned around leaving through the medical room door.  Jade didn't seem bothered by it and turned to Steve.  He excused himself briefly and stepped outside.  Bucky was leaning against the hallway wall and when he turned his eyes to Steve he looked haunted.

"She knew about Lily," he whispered.  "How did she do that?  How could she show me a vision of an oasis in the desert?"

"Did you get a sense she's dangerous?" asked Steve.

"No, quite the opposite," said Bucky.  "She's an open book.  I sensed no fear, or hate.  The calm that emanates from her is ... indescribable.  I'm a little shaken by it but I feel drawn to her."

"Come back in then," he said.  "She asked for you so you must have made an impression on her."

Both men returned and she looked at them in her friendly way.  She realized she had affected the long haired one and made a mental note not to share so much the next time they touched.  She smiled to herself seeing them touching more in the future but she kept it to herself. 

"You said the Others had big plans," said Bruce.  "What plans?"

"They have built themselves ... exo-suits, that's a word, isn't it?" she asked.  "Suits that provide them water in the desert and the Badlands.  They're going to search those areas soon.  They will find your Bunker.  They want to kill you because you're the biggest danger to them right now.  They know you defeated Thanos."

"Do you know when?" asked Steve.

"Hard to say," she said.  "They are very difficult to read as they are a ... hive mind, a group consciousness.   It's like listening to thousands of bees buzz in your head.  There are many nests but they are connected to a queen.  Their queen is well protected but she is the one who develops the strategy.  I've heard the one near the Badlands occasionally.  That's how I know they want to kill you.  They want to kill me and Ma as well.  Because we can hear them."

"Do you know how to stop them?" asked Bucky.

She turned to face him and he saw the jade colour of her eyes fully for the first time.  "Kill the queen," she said simply.  "They can't function without her.  You need me and Ma to locate her then you go in and be Heroes and kill the queen.  If you can get the other Hero to come back ... the witch, we have a better chance to find the queen and kill her."

The three men looked at each other and stepped out into the hallway together.  No one said anything at first.

"That's the plan," said Bucky.  "Find the queen, kill the queen."

"Sounds reasonable when you say it that way," said Steve.

"No it doesn't," exclaimed Bruce.  "What kind of plan is that?  You've fought the Others before.  It takes a lot to kill just one.  You'll have to go through thousands to get to the queen and she's going to be a hell of a lot stronger than an ordinary Other.  It's suicide."

"Then we need a better way to kill an Other," said Bucky.  "We need to capture one and bring it here.  Study it, determine it's weaknesses and then exploit that to get to the queen."

"Hive mind," said Bruce.  "They will know where it's being held and attack."

"Unless we can suppress the connection," said Steve, looking through the window on the medical room door at Jade as she sat there with her small smile. 

Steve walked in while Bruce and Bucky followed.  Before he could say anything she looked right at him.

"That's a good idea," she said.  "We should be able to suppress their link to the queen.  But again, it would work better if you could bring the witch hero."

"Wanda," said Bucky.  "Her name is Wanda."

"Gotcha," said Jade.  "Thank you, Bucky."

Bucky smiled at her despite any misgivings he had about her.  Her reading of his mind for his name again was almost imperceptible but he was sure that wasn't the only thing she had looked at.  Strangely, he didn't feel violated or exploited.  She had even shared something with him; an image, ever so fleeting, of them kissing.  It didn't bother him as much as he thought it would.

"Jade," said Bucky.  "You want us to get Ma and Ben first.  Where is the Sanctuary?"

"I can show you on a map," she said.  "But it's better if I take you as the way is confusing.  Ma will keep it hidden until we get there.  Once she stops hiding it we're all in danger from the Others.  Wanda really needs to be in on the rescue.  Having her can make all the difference.  Do you want me to contact her?"

"No thank you," said Bruce.  "We'll do that.  She might not come."

"She misses him," said Jade.  "I missed Seth for a long time so I understand.  Tell her that." She yawned.  "I'm tired and I'm going to nap.  Can Buddy stay with me?"

She looked at Steve, knowing that Buddy was his dog.  When he said yes she looked at Buddy and he jumped up onto the bed with her, laying beside her.  She laid on her side with her arm around the dog, closed her eyes and seemed to fall asleep within minutes.  Steve and Bucky left Bruce there to watch over her.  As they walked down the long hallway both men were thinking of the odd but compelling woman they had just talked to.  She had risked her life in one of the most dangerous areas in the country to reach them.  Her manner was simple and open, but she had a gift that had terrified a community enough to cast her out when she was a child.  When they reached the common room they looked at each other.  They were going to call Wanda.

Chapter 3>>

Series Masterlist

Please like, comment and/or reblog if you liked this chapter.

[calamarr]

Any Montreal recommendations for someone who’s road-tripping there this summer?? I saw your post about the Shrek rave, Spice Girls burlesque, and the New Tokyo cyberpunk bar and trust your taste lol

Okay so honestly I fucking love Montreal but the way I travel is not like the way most people l know like to travel. Here’s my main points.

Stay: Rue St. Hubert, St. Andre, Plateau, Mont Royal, near Rue St. Catherine but not on Rue St. Catherine. I have gotten really good advance room rates at M Montreal. It was more expensive in April but it’s a very nice, updated hostel with laundry.

Transport: Park in a garage and buy a metro pass. I don’t even bother checking the timetables until past midnight. The trains come every few minutes. Green line will get you into the party district. Orange line will take you to the Old Port. Yellow line will take you to Île Saint-Hélène, which has a really good view of the downtown skyline. Depending on where you stay you can walk to most things.

Safety: Lots of people are still out after dark in the Village and Downtown and the main roads are well lit so I would consider it relatively safe. I’m a bulky muscular white guy so your experience may vary, but I never witnessed anybody getting harassed. Be more cautious inside and around metro stations since this is where more stabbings and robberies happen. Montreal is relatively safe so just use common sense like not being super obvious about being lost or carrying a huge amount of cash.

Food: I just use a maps app and sort by distance and rating. Get a fresh everything bagel from Fairmount Bagel (24/7 in the Plateau). La graine brulée near St. Catherine is pretty cute. They have vegan options and pretty good coffee. I’ve always found pretty good food by just walking into a cafe I liked the look of.

Bars/clubs/partying: Les Foufounes Électriques has live alt, grunge, punk, metal, hardcore type shows. Club Electric Avenue plays only 80s/90s music underneath a huge mural of Leonard Cohen. Really awesome interactive light-up dance floor and nice bartenders here. Drag shows en français á Bar Le Cocktail. I don’t hit the hetero clubs in Montreal so I’m not sure if that will make a difference here. Scruff usually has listings for a lot of stuff going on in the Village. Liquor is usually cheaper than it is in the USA. Mushrooms are available by mail order. SQDC is the provincial dispensary and they have several locations around Montreal.

You don’t need to know any French to operate in Montreal but you will get better service and meet more people if you muddle through a greeting and your coffee order in French. Driving around can be a really fun way to see the city but do it between 8pm-4am. Tipping culture is similar to the USA. Don’t underestimate googling “events/concerts/shows Montreal [dates]” and also check out community posting boards in shops and on the street. Pride is happening August 3-13. There’s lots of museums and a nice botanical garden if you want a shorter daytime activity. Walking around is really the best way to see things.

Enjoy the trip! Montreal is an awesome, diverse city with tons of interesting things to see and do.