#like i really hate the thought of being possibly the only gnc person there

[sar3nka]

Tbh I'm a bit scared, I'm going on a trip to the mountains in 3 days, and we'll also visit a swimming pool. I was never scared of showing my body hair in art school, but now I'll be with a new crowd. And judging by their fc profiles they're all Normies

[serpentinespider]

Earth-6198 Flash ref!! Yippee!!

His appearance and personality are based almost entirely off of MCU Flash (with some of my own personal touches obviously), though the reasons he acts the way he acts are different. I also took several aspects from the comics, story-wise. He’s probably the character I’ve put the most thought into for this AU. I love him dearly :]

Abbreviated info under the cut! (It’s still pretty long, though.) Content warning for ableism.

I wouldn’t call Flash a bully exactly, because that would imply aggression; he’s just, well, a teenage boy. He also comes from a pretty wealthy family, which makes him entitled, plus his parents don’t really give him any positive attention. He makes insensitive jokes and generally tries to keep himself as the center of attention because he’s insecure and seeks approval from his peers. Will do pretty much anything to be liked, and if that fails he’ll act out for attention. He’s very resentful of anyone he considers to be smarter or “better” than him. Flash has a running rivalry with Harry Osborn. Harry is somewhat GNC, has stereotypically “cringe” interests, and is disabled (t1d) so he’s an easy target for Flash’s mean jokes. (Flash thinks that he’s “allowed” to make ableist jokes at others’ expense because he himself is disabled.) 

Flash has cerebral palsy which affects his fine motor skills and ability to walk. His parents got him into physical therapy as early as possible, and he responded well to it— but not well enough for their liking. In Harrison Thompson’s mind, the goal wasn’t to improve Flash’s quality of life, but to “fix” him. Flash grew up with his parents constantly looking down on him, insinuating that his disabilities were his own fault. Sentiments like “you just have to work harder to compensate; if you fall behind, it’s because you’re not trying hard enough” were common. He’s taken that mentality to heart, and has very little self-worth + large amounts of pent-up stress and anger that he takes out at anyone else who is also “abnormal” (hence his meanness towards Harry). 

He has also latched onto Spider-Man as a more… positive(?) reflection of these feelings— his father, who’s a police chief, hates Spidey, so liking him is like Flash’s small way of going against the stuff his parents say (even if it’s subconscious/he doesn’t fully know that’s why). 

In sophomore year, Flash dated Felecia Hardy. They were the world’s most obnoxious couple, always getting in very public fights, breaking up but then getting back together dramatically a week later, etc. Felecia and Flash both have huge crushes on Spider-man, leading Flash to have a sexuality crisis and Felecia to break up with him for good after a few months of dating.

Black Cat was commissioned by an anonymous benefactor to steal an “alien clone” from Alchemax… she’d never done anything NEARLY on that level, but she was being offered a lot of money so she agreed. She did manage to steal the thing, but the deal fell through, and suddenly she had one lab-grown alien and no money to show for it.  At a loss for anything else to do, panicking a little, Felicia dumped the alien onto the only person she could think of: her ex-boyfriend Flash. 

Now, despite what his parents might tell him, Flash is very smart, and figured out what the thing was. Flash is, at first, very hyped about this. His first thought is, of course, to become a vigilante like his idol Spider-Man. Flash has a strong desire to be useful— not in the “I want to help other people” sense but in the “I need to prove to others that I have worth” sense. So, he crafted the Anti-Venom identity for himself!

Around this time, Spider-Man was in the process of fighting his first big villain, Hobgoblin, so the two ended up teaming up to try and take her down (in the least violent way possible). This caused some internal conflict for both Flash and Spidey… 

Flash centered his whole identity around "fitting in" to the point that he actually has no identity of his own. He doesn’t know what he likes, he has no concept af his own style outside of mimicking others that he sees as influential, obviously the most prominent of these being Spider-Man. Which obviously comes with its own twisted irony since Spidey himself is so insecure in his own masculinity (mainly because he’s trans). The two of them were sort of trapped in this feedback loop of insecurity and validation when they first teamed up... Spidey longs for connection, but was unable feel comfortable around Flash as he felt like he has to perform to live up to Flash’s expectations. Meanwhile Flash had based his whole personality off of liking Spider-Man and put on this macho facade to try and impress him. But that just made Spidey feel more inferior, afraid he isn’t passing well enough, etcetera… their dynamic made even more complex by Flash’s very obvious (and unrequited) crush on Spidey.  They’re awful, I love them :3

[llycaons]

ep33 (3/3): lwj earring indulgence

people rarely make wwx as self-possessed or confident as he is in canon. I'll read fic where he's like 'lan zhan I am so sorry for breathing in your direction thank you so much for giving me a square mat to sleep on I promise to behave' and he'll be SO insecure and hesitant when that's really not him! for the most part he doesn't shy away from confronting lwj or getting into his business

it's just that lwj doesn't tell him shit bc he doesn't want wwx to feel obligated to lwj which is a great impulse but wwx also likes knowing how much people care about him so it's a bit of double-edged sword?

they're helpfully reminding us that this kid's name is yuan too

this made me laugh so hard. he's standing there with his ORIGINAL FACE in his classic black robes and red ponytale, playing a flute, and he thinks playing badly is a disguise? and THEN lwj gets mad at him for fumbling their song lmao

but wwx needn't have bothered bc lqr didn't realize anyway due to being comatose. until wwx woke him up with his bad flute playing

lqr having such a strong reaction to a flute is funny bc was he even on the front lines in sunshot? they said he didn't leave the mountain very often and it's not like he's a warrior. he's probably never seen wwx play

one of his top expressions

lwj is quite strict with lsz, in his own way. not in an aggressive way, but VERY expectant of obedience

there's one single female disciple here and she stayed in the back the entire conversation before coming forward for the water basin. what, are female disciples servants who are only used for healing?

this looks so cool. green suits wwx really well honestly

perhaps I have been unfair to lsz given how annoying his character is in fanfics and how obvious of a plot device he is. but he's a nice boy, and to my surprise he's also smart!! look at him thinking through problems!

encouraging to see wwx express sentiments that before his death, he really needed someone to tell him

coming back, I think he's become in a certain sense resigned to the things in his life that happened. no use getting angry or upset over them, some things you just can't change. and this is really sad, but it's also, hopefully, indicative of a more healthy mindset in his second life

"I naturally trust you' and that's what he needs to hear, baby

also seeing them standing together makes those 'huge top' fics so funny. they are literally almost exactly the same body type and build. no lwj is not a head taller. no he is not built like a brick shithouse, his hands are not large enough to encircle wwx's waist. if anything he is slightly taller and more slight in build, where wwx is slightly bulkier. but I think his height is because of his heeled boots

damn the jingshi is really so nice. I love hat porch area and the bridge over there.

right after wwx said 'it's pointing at the person who told it to commit crimes' ljy jumped and then glared at wwx haha

omg HORSES! I didn't know they used horses! wwx bouncing like a bobblehead hehe. and all the fics insisting he only uses little apple

HANGUANG-JUN PIERCED EARS SHOT. taking this to headcanon that lwj wears earrings. let lej be a little gnc. as a treat.

this was such a strange moment. lwj walked off and left wwx behind entirely. why???

oh and this was funny. this guy seling ugly portraits that wwx took offense to

THERE HE IS!!! THE MOST DISASTER BABY OF THEM ALL!!!!

this kid kicked a civilian in the chest for saying the name 'wei wuxian' in public. he might have already been sensitive and prone to fights, but clearly his parenting has been ABYSMAL

by 'his uncle' he is talking about jc. btw. I originally thought he was referring to himself, but it just makes more sense. ha.

I hate the fairy scene possible more than any other scene in this show. why is his face so comedically twisted? why is his running so stupid-looking? unbelievable that this happened in the same episode that made me cry my eyes out

personal highlights

oh the rite of spring was INSPIRED

all of wwx's crying this episode. all of it. beautiful

cgi sword stabbing a hand my beloved <3 <3 <3

lwj's broken little 'wei ying' at the very end

everything about the jingshi opening scene. the music. the lighting. the atmosphere. the calm

wwx seeing his younger and more innocent self frolic about. as stated, I was inconsolable. I've always liked it but after today, it's going to be a very special scene to me

lwj's sexy whip scars and mysterious chest brand. can't help it. I love them. and wwx's seriousness and care during that scene was really nice too

lqr being roused by bad flute music, yelling at them to stop, then slipping into a coma and wwx sitting there like 😬 'whoops' with that funny face

wwx sitting with the bamboo background looking all cool

[satoumafuyuss]

Hey! This is the trans questioning person again!

To give more details I've been struggling with my attraction for ages. I stopped trying to label it at this point, but it feels very much stunted because I have to be a woman and all the relationships I'll have will be straight.

I think the closest label that would fit is aroallo but god am I unsure of everything. I've always been so extremely detached from dating culture even as a child. I see all those other women who like men but I'm only attracted to people who are gnc. I like men but imagining myself in a normal straight relationship is horribly repulsive and I'm not sure thats how it's supposed to go lol. About women, I've always thought I was bi but I think I kinda forced that label on me to explain why I felt queer.

I'm in a weird spot because I've explained this to a lot of trans people and I've got a lot of answers ranging from "this is normal cis stuff when they interact with trans people" to "this sounds really non binary".

I think the best way I can put it is that I feel like a sort of slug stuck in this body. I'm happy with it because I look great but at the same time a part feels like it's missing. I feel like I have two bodies for one person, but the other male one can't physically exist. I'm ok with being either but it feels like I'm missing out, especially attraction wise. A buddy of mine described it as the therian of gender and urgh yeah its weird.

I've definitely thought about bigender but the community doesn't really feel this way from what I see. It's more one body for 2 which you know is very fair.

Sigh yeah I've been having those thoughts for a while but I also like my status as a woman somehow. Makes me feel good when people see me as a strong/non conforming woman specifically.

Yeah I can definitely see why that would be difficult to fully understand. I think it is important to know that labels are only here to to help us and aren't concrete things and many people also go on as unlabeled (theres even a flag for it lol!). No two people who identify with a label will ever feel exactly the same as another. Experimentation may be a good idea. Like trying new pronouns or something with people you can trust and know how you feel, there's no shame and finding out its not right for you either!

also I feel you about the "imagining myself in a normal straight relationship is horribly repulsive". That's part of the reason I buried my attraction for men for so long tbh. I hated the idea of being a woman dating a man and all the societal pressures that had attached (like expectations of getting pregnant blargh). Have you ever heard of QPRs? They're fairly common in the aroallo community and maybe more so align with what you're looking for in a relationship?

Genderfluid may be closer to how you feel in this case too. being a gnc woman is also a possibility and very cool though. lol gender and sexuality is confusing 😔

[fandomshatelgbtqpeople]

On why “not like other girls” isn’t a useful criticism anymore (and maybe never was)

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about how the way people have been talking about femininity in feminist spaces for the past few years really fails gender nonconforming queer and neurodivergent girls.

In particular, I’ve noticed and seen others talk about the tendency to push the ideas that women never enforce gender norms on other women, never punish other women for not conforming to gender norms, and that female bullies essentially don’t exist because girls would never do that to each other. I’ve also noticed how the “face” of internalized misogyny has become the blatantly queercoded, neurodivergent-coded girl who’s Not Like Other Girls. That’s not an accident.

There are feminist circles made up mostly of women who have never had a problem with being accepted by other women, and their ideas about how girls and women treat each other are very influential. The things is that they don’t realize that how other women treat them and how other girls treated them growing up isn’t universal. They’re unaware that they aren’t accepted just because they’re women but because they’re able to check off a number of conditions that signal to other women that they “belong.” One of the more important conditions is being able to do femininity the right way. They’re unaware that there’s a huge difference between women who can do femininity the right way and choose to subvert it for feminist reasons versus women who can’t do it the right way at all, and that difference has a huge impact on how other women treat you. A lot of these women are probably well intentioned, but that doesn’t make it okay that their viewpoints, which erase women who are marginalized in ways they aren’t, have become so mainstream.

This, of course, has a disparate impact on gender nonconforming queer women, who can’t do femininity right because it leads to things like dysphoria and depression, and autistic women, who often can’t do femininity right because of sensory issues with makeup/tight clothing/certain fabrics, because they’re unable to understand the social rules that govern things like fashion trends or matching clothes, or because their special interests aren’t seen by their peers as acceptable things for girls to be interested in.

The problem arises because women in the first group, the influential feminist circles, seem to have decided that the idea of female bullies is a patriarchal trope pushed by men (girls wouldn’t do that to each other) and that only men enforce gender norms on women (girls are so much more accepting of other girls uwu). Gender nonconforming queer and autistic women, who grew up as gender nonconforming girls, know that this idea is frankly bullshit because they were bullied and ostracized by other girls for not being able to do femininity right or enough, but when we try to talk about this, we’re shouted down by the first group of women as just having internalized misogyny. The entire time I was in middle and high school, I only remember having my appearance insulted by a boy once. It was almost exclusively something other girls did. And yet we’re told that our own lived experiences can’t possibly have happened because “bullying is a boy thing, girls are all friends.” You would think that this conversation would at least be happening in queer circles but even there, gnc queer women are the only ones talking about it, while everyone else is all, “It’s so great how lesbians never enforce gender norms against each other. Anyway, here’s my fanart of a canonically butch character wearing a dress.”

So here’s where the girl who’s Not Like Other Girls comes in. The stereotypical girl who’s Not Like Other Girls is blatantly queercoded and blatantly neurodivergent coded, and that’s not an accident. It’s because those are the girls who are disproportionately likely to be rejected by other girls because of their inability to do femininity right, and that’s something that the women who love to talk about the girl who’s Not Like Other Girls have subconsciously picked up on.

Now, I’m not going to try to claim that no one who thinks they’re not like other girls has a sense of superiority about it, but overwhelmingly, the girls who think that aren’t thinking “I’m not like those dumb sluts.” They’re thinking “why am I not like the other girls.” For me (an autistic lesbian), my Not Like Other Girls phase was never about thinking I was better than everyone else. It was an attempt to explain to myself why I was being picked on and excluded by other girls, even the ones who were my friends. I knew I was different from other girls because I was told that by other girls. And the idea that girls who hang out mostly with boys are doing it because they hate other girls is largely false. Lots of teenage gnc queer and autistic girls hang out mostly with boys because they find that there are fewer unspoken social rules between boys, boys are less judgmental about their appearance than other girls, girls their age are starting to develop interests they find alienating, and/or because they’ve just given up on trying to befriend girls after years of rejection. It’s not internalized misogyny, it’s a trauma response.

All this vilification of the girl who’s Not Like Other Girls really accomplishes is making gender nonconforming girls and women into the main perpetrators of internalized misogyny and gender conforming girls into the main victims. It should give us pause that our idea of a stereotypical victim of internalized misogyny is a thin, blond, pretty queen bee-type and our stereotypical perpetrator is a queercoded, neurodivergent-coded girl with no friends, because it’s a blatant example of homophobia and ableism in mainstream feminism. It’s because the women with the loudest voices want to feel like they’re always the victims and never to blame. It should concern us how many posts are dedicated to condemning girls who think they aren’t like other girls when I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a single post condemning girls who bully other girls for not conforming to femininity. That’s an incontrovertible example of internalized misogyny that’s honestly a much more widespread problem, and everyone either wants to pretend it isn’t happening or has decided they’re okay with.

Gender nonconforming queer and autistic women grow up being ostracized for their gender nonconformity and no one can even make a post telling them its okay to be the way they are without having to add about a dozen disclaimers to avoid hurting the feelings of gender conforming women and still having 20 people in the replies reminding them that “some girls like to wear makeup :)” Meanwhile people will make 380 posts about how feminine girls should be celebrated without a single thought to how that contributes to the alienation and exclusion gnc queer and autistic girls are experiencing. Not everyone needs to learn to love pink or whatever. It’s so okay for gnc women to have deep negative feelings towards femininity as a concept when it was the reason for their abuse at the hands of other girls. That’s not internalized misogyny. 

Anyway, I remember around the turn of the decade when the idea of the girl who was Not Like Other Girls really took off and I remember being able to picture exactly who it was about, but looking back, I can’t for the life of me remember whether that person was someone who actually existed irl, or whether it was the result of a popular media trope that everyone just assumed was also a problem irl, or whether it’s always just been the most acceptable women with the loudest voices blaming gender nonconforming queer and autistic women for something we weren’t doing.

mod k

tl;dr - Blaming girls who Aren’t Like Other Girls for internalized misogyny is victim-blaming bullshit. Girls thinking they aren’t like other girls is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.

[utt-er-nons-ense]

If you have a Tumblr and you're on it a lot like I am, I really highly suggest joining the same fandom on reddit. I have 10 reasons.

1. They're 2 sides of the same horrific political echo chamber. While Tumblr and twitter are screaming and crying about the producer possibly using a homophobic slur in 1956, reddit is screaming and crying because a minor side character is bi and they simply cannot relate anymore :(. Both platforms firmly believe that ALL movies, tv, books, magazines, comics, blogs, posts, tweets, and news providers should be sanitized until they churn out pure propaganda; they just disagree on what the propaganda should promote. (They also both pretend it's only propaganda if they don't agree with it.)

2. You might forget cishet people exist. To remind yourself, so that it's not jarring when you rejoin the real world, you can find all the cishet people in America on reddit. They have straight ships. They do not see the subtext. They think you're nuts for saying Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are together. I promise you that you need this slap in the face occasionally.

3. Reddit lets you show tiddie.

4. Tumblr praises and criticizes media based on how progressive it is. Reddit praises and criticizes media for like, everything else under the sun. If one platform HATES your favorite show, the other one probably loves it.

5. With really divisive tv shows like always sunny, you'll get to see 2 totally different plot breakdowns. It's like watching the show twice. Once "Tumblr style", with lots of ships, subtext, longing, pining, fanfiction, fan art, and slowed-down 3 second gifs that make every scene look romantic and sexy. Tumblr style fandom is intense, emotional, and deeply connected to the underdog characters. Then you can watch it again "reddit style", with pages of analysis on writing styles, acting styles, line delivery, and the items in the background, but no mention of The Way Those Two Looked At Each Other™.

6. When your normie work friends ask you what you thought of something, you can give them the normie answer. (Hint: there are 0 normie opinions on Tumblr. They're all bonkers in funking yonkers, I promise. If they seem normal to you please talk to a well-adjusted adult who supports themselves in the real world)

7. It is SO FUN to dump all of tumblr's hcs on your "reddit friends". I dare you to find a friend who uses reddit and then tell them about the absurd amount of gay porn for star trek. Tell them there's gay subtext in every episode of Merlin. Show them jack and ianto making out shirtless in the lab if they're a doctor who reddit friend. Remind them that Dennis had a m/m/m threesome in the pilot episode. Point out the 45x johnlock's close friends assumed they were together. Rant about whatever tf happened in supernatural with the gay angel. Every time one of my reddit friends (republicans if I'm not being clear enough here) recommends a show to me I immediately tell them how gay and GNC his faves are. This is a very fun game that will alienate everyone that you really don't want as a friend anyway.

8. Reddit also has a horrible UI and the messiest code I've ever seen, a poorly-functioning mobile app that crashes constantly, and community guidelines that are fuzzy at best. Anyone from Tumblr should be perfectly comfy there.

9. Entire fandoms dry up on Tumblr after someone involved does something unprogressive. You'll find the remaining fans on reddit because reddit doesn't give a fuck about progressivism.

10. And lastly... Because a LOT of bloggers on this hellsite need to learn that the culture here isn't the culture of the world. It's NOT pedophilic to like a post written by someone younger than you, and it's NOT sketchy not to have all your personal information in your bio. No one cares about your carrd/pinned/DNI, no one is going to read a terms and conditions document to find out if they're allowed to follow you. The rest of the world doesn't hold insane beliefs like "all harry potter fans are fascists". No one is going to tw food, alcohol, swearing, smoking, or thin bodies. And before you go "I know it's not like this irl but -", You're wrong, you DO think the real world is like this and I see it all the time. I see y'all out here being Karens about the nonsensical expectations that you developed here. I see you harassing actors for stuff their characters did! Do not do that! The cure for Tumblr psychosis is to get OUT of the feedback loop and read another opinion once in awhile.

[thewolfofthestars]

Questions to Ask When You’re Questioning Your Gender

So I'm trans myself and I've spent a lot of time thinking on this subject and talking to other trans people, as well as people who are questioning their genders. I've learned a lot over the past couple of years about what gender is, what it means to me, what it means to others, what it means to society, and most relevant to this post--how to figure out what your gender actuallly is. Cuz this shit ain't always easy. In fact, most of the time it's pretty hard. So I'm putting together a list of questions you can ask yourself if you're questioning your gender.

Please keep in mind: you probably won't relate to everything on this list! There are trans people who don't relate to this stuff and there are cis people that do relate to this stuff. Not every single thing on this list is a 100% surefire sign you're definitely trans, and you don't need to agree with every single point on the list in order to be trans. I am merely making this list in order to get you thinking in a more helpful and productive way to figure out your gender. Additionally: You do not have to figure out your gender if you don't want to! If you're perfectly content just to call yourself by a big umbrella term like "nonbinary" or "genderqueer", or if you just don't want to put a label to your gender at all, that is absolutely fine. This list doesn't need to be for you.

Highly reccommended reading, btw: The Null HypotheCis--https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

-Do you ever find yourself wishing that you were another gender? How often? How intense are these feelings when they arise?

-Do you ever find yourself wondering what your life would be like if you were born as a different gender? How often? How do you feel when you think about it?

-Do you find yourself looking at or admiring people of another gender very often? Is this admiration not really the same as romantic/sexual attraction--it feels different, somehow? Do these people just look really good or cool to you, in a special way that you can't really explain?

-Do you find yourself feeling jealous of other genders at all? Why do you think you feel this jealousy?

-If you are not otherwise LGBTQ+, do you find yourself feeling connected to or attracted to the LGBTQ+ community in a way you can't really explain? Do you feel attracted to the trans community in particular?

-Do you feel more comfortable or happier around trans/nonbinary people? Do you feel as though you can relate to trans/nonbinary people better than you can relate to cis people?

-If you are attracted to people of the same gender as your AGAB (Assigned Gender At Birth), does "gay" feel like the right word for that attraction or not?

-If you are attracted to people of the opposite gender as your AGAB, does "straight" feel like the right word for that attraction or not?

-Do you have trouble understanding your sexual/romantic orientation? Have you changed your labels several times, or perhaps never put a label on your attraction at all? Have you just kinda slapped a label on at random until further notice?

-Do you feel very uncomfortable engaging with your sexuality at all? Do you identify as asexual or sex-repulsed, because of this discomfort?

-Do you experience distress or discomfort when in sexual situations, for no otherwise discernable reason (i.e. nonconsensual situations or dealing with past sexual trauma)? Do you find yourself dissociating during or after a sexual situation? What about anxiety or panic? Do you find yourself becoming depressed after sex or masturbation?

-Do you find that you need to "get into a different headspace" in order to have sex or masturbate?

-When you wear clothes commonly associated with your AGAB, how does it make you feel? Happy? Sad? Do the clothes feel like you, or does it feel more like a costume, like you're cosplaying or performing in a play? How does it feel when you wear clothes more commonly associated with other genders?

-How do you feel when you imagine yourself far into the future, living as an elderly person? Do you find it hard to imagine yourself in old age as your AGAB? How does it make you feel? What about as other genders?

-Do you find yourself coming up with excuses for reasons that you aren't trans that, when held up to scrutiny, don't actually work? Phrases such as "Well, I didn't know when I was little, I didn't start questioning until I was X age (people of any age can question their gender and figure out they're trans)", or "I don't have genital dysphoria, so I can't be trans (trans people can have all sorts of feelings about their genders--no particular kind of dysphoria is required to be trans, or even any dysphoria at all)".

-Do you find yourself thinking things like "Well, statistically, trans people are so rare, there's no way I'm trans"? What about "I'm already (other marginalized identity(ies)), I can't possibly also be trans"? What about "I have a friend/family member/someone else in my life that's trans, I'd just be copying them"? (None of these things need to mean that you're not trans!)

-Do you have a very "mind over matter" mentality? Were you more of a smarts or arts kid than you were a sporty kid in school? Are you the kind of person who wishes your consciousness could be uploaded to the cloud or something like that, so you can leave this fleshy body of yours behind?

-Do you find yourself frustrated with society's emphasis on gender and gender roles? Do you ever feel that gender doesn't even matter at all, and you're confused as to why everyone cares about it so much?

-Do you feel constrained or trapped by being your AGAB? Do you feel like you would be so much freer and happier as a different gender?

-If you could press a button right now and wake up tomorrow as a cis member of the opposite gender, as if you'd always been that way, with a body of a cis person and with everyone referring to you like that, would you press it?

-Do you believe that everyone of your your AGAB probably wants to be a different gender, at least a little bit? Are you baffled when people of your AGAB don't agree with this sentiment?

-Did you ever wonder if or secretly hope that you were intersex? Did you ever get tested by medical professionals for an intersex condition? If so, how did the results make you feel? Were you happy to learn that you're intersex, or dissappointed to learn that you aren't?

-Does it seem difficult for you to be your AGAB, like it doesn't really come naturally to you, and you have to learn how to do it and actively try to be it? Have you felt like you've needed to construct and maintain an identity for yourself as your AGAB? Do you think being a different gender would feel more natural to you, and you wouldn't have to work at it?

-Do you find yourself thinking thoughts like "Well, I don't hate being my AGAB, but I would prefer to be a different gender/would be happier as a different gender"? (I'll give you a hint--you don't need to hate being your AGAB in order to justify being a different gender! You can just be a different gender if that makes you happier.)

-Do your genitals or reproductive organs upset you? Do you wish you didn't have them? Do you think you'd be happier having the opposite set of genitals/reproductive organs? What about having no genitals/reproductive organs? What about having a mix between the two?

-Do your genitals or reproductive organs not really feel like they're a part of you? Do they feel like a seperate entity that's just attached to you or inside of you, but they aren't really you? Do you dissociate when you look at or think about your genitals/reproductive organs? Do you try to avoid looking at or thinking about them?

-Regarding the above two points--ask yourself these same questions about your secondary sex characteristics (i.e. breasts, body hair, hips, the pitch of your voice, etc.)

-Do you only feel these feelings sometimes? If so, when you don't feel these feelings, do you actually feel good about these aspects of yourself, or do you just feel less bad?

-What if I told you right now that you are absolutely, definitely, 100% a cis person, and that you're not trans at all? How does that make you feel? What if I told you that you're definitely, 100% for-sure a trans person? How does that make you feel?

-Were you a particularly androgynous child or present yourself in a gender non-conforming way when you were younger? Did you ever have a "phase" of presenting in this way?

-Alternatively, did you ever present yourself as a very gender conforming person when you were younger (i.e. hyperfeminine if AFAB or hypermasculine if AMAB)? Did you ever have a "phase" of presenting in this way?

-According to the last two points--did you ever alternate between these two modes of presentation? How did these types of presentation make you feel?

-Are you afraid of the idea of this "trans phase" or "questioning phase" being over? Are you afraid of going back to identifying as the gender you were born as?

-Do you like the idea of being a crossdressing or GNC person of the gender you were assigned at birth, or does the thought of being a different gender make you feel happier? (i.e. if you're AMAB, are you happiest when you think of yourself as a crossdressing boy/drag queen, or do you think you would be happier if you were a girl instead? Or perhaps some other gender?)

-Have you ever taken a "guess your gender/am I trans" quiz online, even just for fun? What were the results? How did the results make you feel? Did you intentionally try to skew your answers toward or away from a particular result? Did you go back and take the quiz again, wanting to get a different result?

-What sorts of gendered terms are you happiest and most comfortable being called by? Do you like the idea of being "mom" or "dad" better? What about "brother" or "sister"? "Girlfriend" or "boyfriend"? Or do you dislike both gendered options, and prefer gender-neutral terms like "parent" or "sibling" or "partner"?

[shrimpmandan]

I feel like the only reason the dysphoria debate exists is because a lot of people misunderstand/misinterpret what dysphoria is and what it isn't. This doesn't just go for tucutes, I've seen it from radmeds as well. So, because I have nothing better to do with my time, I'm going to break down GD into the most *layman* terms I possibly can, mixed with my own experiences as a trans guy. This is going off of the DSM-V's definition and criteria for gender dysphoria in adolescents and adults.

The Definition: A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of at least 6 month's duration, as manifested by at least two of the following ...

What It Means: Gender dysphoria is defined as a disconnect, dissonance, or distance between one's gender and their physical sex. Primary sex characteristics refer to the genitalia, which is colliquy known as bottom dysphoria. Secondary sex characteristics include but aren't limited to voice, facial hair, chest, fat distribution, hips, and bone structure.

The Symptom: A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)

What It Means: We've established that "incongruence" can be defined as a disconnect, dissonance, or distance. The dictionary definition describes "incongruent" to mean "incompatible". Your physical sex is incompatible with your gender. Your physical sex doesn't represent your real self, and it creates a feeling of discomfort. Some trans kids who are pre-pubescent may dread puberty because of this fact. Some trans folks may not realize anything is wrong until they're a good way through puberty already. Personally, I didn't fully grasp the differences between the sexes until I was a bit older. I knew boys had penises, and that I wanted one, but that was it.

The Symptom: A strong desire to be rid of one's primary and/or secondary sex characteristics because of a marked incongruence with one's experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, the desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)

What It Means: Have you ever had a fantasy about sawing your breasts or penis off? Throwing your uterus in the garbage? When your gender and sex are at odds, you want to get rid of the parts of your physical sex that are deemed "incompatible" with your gender, or prevent them from becoming a problem at all through the use of hormone blockers. Some trans people feel this less strongly than others, and may focus more on the desire for the sex characteristics of the opposite sex -- which is also a dysphoria symptom.

The Symptom: A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender

What It Means: Have you ever let your thoughts wander about what it'd be like if you were born in a body that accurately reflects your gender? What does that look like to you, and how does it make you feel? For some trans people, they are saddened by this because of what could've, should've been so from birth. Others are overwhelmed with joy at the thought and are excited for when they can pursue transition. Some trans people experience a mix of both! Gender euphoria and dysphoria are intrinsically tied. If you feel all giddy at the thought of being the opposite or some in-between sex, that's a sign you have dysphoria.

The Symptom: A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)

What It Means: This is probably the most straightforward symptom. Have you had long fantasies about being of the opposite or an in-between sex? How did that make you feel? Did you feel happy? A sense of longing? Bittersweet? If you have a strong desire to live as closely to a different sex socially and physically as you possibly can given your circumstances, it's very unlikely that you're cis.

The Symptom: A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)

What It Means: Commonly referred to as social dysphoria, this symptom refers to wanting to be perceived as a different sex by the rest of society. This manifests most commonly with pronouns. Males are referred to with He/Him, females She/Her, and They/Them is a neutral pronoun. For many, this also implies trying their best to pass. This doesn't mean trans people can't be GNC, but those with higher dysphoria may be more inclined to prioritize passing over free gender expression as to not risk being misgendered. You may also feel like you don't "fit in" with people of your assigned birth gender, and will gravitate more towards people of the same true gender as you.

The Symptom: A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)

What It Means: This one is a bit hard to explain. Feelings and reactions aren't necessarily always different between the sexes. Any such differences are usually a result of socialization, e.g. a man being told that crying makes him weak, or a woman being told that she's too weak to do "men's work".

"A Strong Desire"

A criticism I've heard towards transmedicalism is not everyone experiences, or can identify, strong emotions. This is very much true, especially if you have autism or depression, which is common in transgender folks. Some autistic/ADHD people have alexithymia, which means they have the inability to identify and/or describe their own emotions and the emotions of others. Depression can only amplify this, making you feel numb and empty. And as someone who has both autism and depression, I can safely say that my dysphoria overpowers my low-key emotions, personally. Even though I have 5/6 symptoms, which is considered severe, I thought for the longest time that I had mild dysphoria because I wasn't really "feeling" much of anything. I don't at all blame someone for downplaying their own dysphoria because it's "not as bad" as what they read about. It's okay if you don't feel your dysphoria symptoms strongly! That doesn't necessarily mean you're not trans or are faking it.

"If you don't have both primary and secondary sex dysphoria, you just have body dysmorphia!"

This is something I heard from a radmed that I find downright hilarious. Body dysmorphia is not what radmeds think it is, AT ALL. Body dysmorphic disorder is described this way by Mayo Clinic:

Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived flaws in your appearance -- a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed, and anxious that you may avoid social situations.

Yeah. I was told I just have body dysmorphia because I said I didn't have high bottom dysphoria. Trust me, I know why y'all dislike transmeds as a whole if you've only ever interacted with those types. They fucking suck and tend to downplay anyone who just has less dysphoria than themselves. Body dysmorphic disorder and gender dysphoria are completely different, complicated conditions that cannot and should not be placed on a spectrum with eachother. "Ph, you hate your body but don't have dysphoria? You have dysmorphia!" Don't diagnose people like that. You aren't a medical professional and you look stupid.

If anyone has any questions about this, any at all, feel free to ask in the notes or in my asks. I try to be as civil as possible as being snarky is not the best way to actually educate people.

[werevulvi]

I kinda just wanted to make a rant, to lay out why I feel so iffy about trans women and hopefully get a better understanding of my own feelings and what the fuck is brewing under that surface. There has to be a reason. This post is analytical drivel, not a debate, but by all means, feel free to respond or otherwise talk to me about this. Let's take it from the beginning and then go from there.

Part 1 Detransition:

So, I began detransitioning roughly 2 years ago. That's where my feelings about the trans community as a whole began to shift, and with that my feelings about trans women. At that time, I was still active in a truscum group and came out as detrans there, after having been known and looked up to as a trans man there for over a year. At first I was accepted, but when I started having doubts about wanting to get rid of my beard, and felt like I wanted to embrace my body hair and deep voice... people there started acting like shit towards me. They told me that my biological sex still being female did not matter, that I was essentially a man and had to detrans medically to be considered a woman again. That hurt badly.

Shortly after that, I was also told that because I was medically transitioned, trans women were "more female" than me. That was like the last drop that made the goblet pour over. Fuming, I started saying that I'm more of a woman than trans women can ever be, even if I keep a full beard, because they'll never be truly biologically female, no matter how much surgery they got. I was hurting by their cruel words, so I stuck it where it would hurt them the same. (I’ve always an “eye for an eye” sorta person.) That's when people started telling me that I hate trans women, but I felt like that was a misunderstanding. That I was just acting out, out of sadness, grief, anger, panic, and having my gender denied for the sake of validating trans women's genders.

But were they right?

Part 2 Gender critical thought:

Over time, I got exceedingly gender critical and fell into radblr. I also read/watched content that "exposed" transgenderism as a scam, most of which was articles and youtube videos from conservative right wing people, and Christians. I had joined an fb group for detransitioners, and the creator, a "born again" Christian detrans man, happily shared all the many sources he had on how transgender was all a scam from the start of its movement. I felt somewhat sick consuming those links, but probably equally intrigued. But at the same time, I kept a foot in the trans community, starving for attention, even though I was never good enough for them anymore, unless I lied and said I'm not a woman. What a sick twist of fate, I felt.

Part 3a Sexuality, from a lesbian view:

Sometime around that, I struggled with my sexuality and after a lot on inner search, I came to the conclusion I was a lesbian. I felt as though I was only attracted to the same sex as myself, including trans men, but felt nothing worth praising towards males, including trans women. That led to yet another rabbit hole that I tumbled down into. I became convinced that majority of trans women were lesbophobic predators, and I had some shit luck on dating apps. Most people who approached me there were gnc males; transvestites and trans women. I almost went on a date with a good-looking trans woman whom I had mistaken for female, because I felt guilty for having lost attraction to her the moment she told me she's trans and post-op. Luckily she canceled our date for unrelated reasons. I felt like because she was attractive to me before I knew she's trans, but felt completely uninterested in her after the fact, I couldn't possibly be attracted to trans women.

Part 3b Sexuality, from a bisexual view:

That, of course, is not necessarily a bad thing. But I kept asking myself why. Especially since I realised my error in my sexuality calculations, and upon correction discovered I'm actually bisexual after all. I still find women and transitioned females attractive, and in addition to that also men in general, and some vaguely transitioned males. Except from trans women. That odd little inconvenience stood out as a sore thumb which I couldn't stop scratching. Why? I kept asking myself. Why not trans women?

My question dug deeper than just to attraction. I don't think I feel iffy about trans women because I'm not attracted to them. I think it's the other way around.

I never had to convince myself to be attracted to trans men. I discovered early on in my own transition that some other trans men were really hot. That was it. I later on dated a trans man whom I was head over heals in love with. That confirmed it. I've been questioning my attraction to standard men and women far more than I ever questioned my attraction to trans men. It was that obvious, that clear. However, when it comes to trans women I was always the complete opposite. That no matter how I twisted and turned it, I only ever felt revulsion at the thought of being sexual or romantic with a trans woman. No matter how well or badly they passed, no matter how aesthetically pleasing or how charming their personalities.

I wanna clarify that I'm not at all forcing myself to be into trans women. I'm just trying to understand why, so that I'll no longer feel bad about my lack of attraction to them. Because I cannot accept things which I do not understand.

Part 3c Sexuality, digging for answers:

At first I thought, maybe I'm just not all that attracted to femininity. It's not like I typically get super into hyper-feminine natal women either, and fake tits and faces with a ton of plastic surgery has always made me queezy. No, I seem to have a strong preference for masculinity in partners, regardless if they're butches, other masc bi women, trans men or kinda standard masc natal men. So then it just kinda makes sense that trans women, whom are often hyper-feminine, just don't fit that image. Except... that one trans woman I almost went on a date with... she looked like a butch. I mistook her for a natal woman partly because she had short hair, no makeup and wore what looked like men's clothing, but I could see she had hips and tits, and her face looked naturally female. But I still wasn't into her, because she's trans.

Then I thought... okay, that one checks out, but maybe I'm just creeped out neo-vaginas? Yeah, that must be it! I'm almost equally creeped out by neo-penises too, but most trans men don't get bottom surgery anyway, so it hasn't been much on my mind. But then I thought: okay, but what about trans women who choose to not get bottom surgery then? I am attracted to dick. Nope, still uneasy at that thought. I started comparing men who are just very feminine, to trans women, and noticed yeah I don't actually feel half as iffy about men who are just feminine. A man in a dress and makeup can actually be very hot, to me. And I've always preferred long hair on men. But I prefer them still looking clearly male underneath that, although I don't mind a few androgynous features here and there. But I’m only into it if they don’t act like their affinity for femininity makes them women or non-binary, or if they’re feminine in a way that mocks or sexualises womanhood. So I’m not into tacky transvestites in over-sexualised lingerie. At least try to be tactful and elegant, please. So, it’s not male femininity per se that puts me off. If there’s any femininity I’m actually into, it’s male femininity. Because gender non-conformity is attractive to me. And I love the idea of being a strong female protector and girlboss of a gentle, delicate, feminine man. At least I like fantasising about that. (But enough about my daydreams.)

Part 4a Womanhood, biology and identity:

Somewhere after having gotten that far in my digging, I started getting close to finding my sore spot: trans women's view on womanhood.

As for myself, my own view of womanhood is completely detached from femininity. I'm just like... I can even have a full beard and bass voice, a flat and hairy chest, and still be a woman. Because I'm simply bio female. Trans women tend to very often think that they need to "pass" and with that comes a certain look: high voice, no facial hair, no body hair, big breasts, curvy hips, etc. All of which are features that I'm dysphoric about having on my own body, but admire in other natal women. But on trans women, it's like I feel uncomfortable about those kinda features on them. Like to me being a woman is just dealing with having developed that way, or not dealing with having developed that way. Where as for them it seems to be actually striving for developing that way, and I guess that causes my brain to short circuit. Cannot comprehend.

Part 4b Womanhood, fragility and validation:

My womanhood is kinda fragile. I admit that. I'm quite insecure as a woman, because of my transition and masculinity. I feel like most of my womanhood has been lost, which although I'm fine with, I still grieve. I grieve it because I was a bit of an idiot when I first transitioned and had not yet processed my trauma - not because I regret looking like a man. It's complicated, but basically... I feel as though my womanhood is hanging by a thread, which is my genitals, reproductive system and chromosomes; all of which are either mostly hidden or always invisible.

I'm often met with disbelief and disagreement. People either saying "You're not a woman because you can't possibly be female. You look too male." or "You're not a woman because you medically transitioned. You having a uterus is not enough to make you a woman." and it gets to me. And then there are trans women... some of whom do not even need to put on a wig to be instantly validated as women by just identifying as such. Others thinking that because I look like a man, they refuse to think of me as a woman. And that... pisses me off.

There have been a few trans women who in some utterly failed attempt at being supportive of me have said I'm like a nonbinary person who is half male and half female. That's not a lot better, but thanks for trying... I guess.

Part 4c Womanhood, dysphoria and misogyny:

I think that might be what gets to me about trans women. All of it. This entire list of things. That some of them are lesbophobic predators and have absurd claims of what being female is, that others mock womanhood, and yet others view themselves as somehow more female than I am. The genital factor and the slight creepiness of plastic surgery. Their view of womanhood as an identity and my view of it as a biological sex. I keep ending up in fights with trans women about these sorta things. I can't keep a lid on my frustrations no matter how hard I try to just see them as people with dysphoria and opinions that are different from mine. I cannot find any fucking solidarity between myself, as a dysphoric natal woman, and trans women. I feel like they're making mockery of my sex, my dysphoria and my struggles with misogyny, as well as making me feel like shit about something that I love about my body: my transition. I have no common grounds with them, and whenever they try to find solidarity in stuff like misogyny, I feel like they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. I have a huge bone to pick with them, on multiple levels, and I don't even know where to start or where it ends.

Part 4d Womanhood, jealousy:

But a lot of it comes from jealousy. And I think it's mutual. I'm jealous of their ability to access female only spaces despite being male, which I cannot access despite being female. I'm jealous of their ability to be accepted as women. And on the other side, I think they're jealous of my reproductive ability, and my female socialisation, which I'm not like super hyped about myself, although I do love my pussy (she gives me great orgasms.) I'm jealous of their ability to claim womanhood without even trying to pass as female, because people are quicker to accept the woman-gender-identity than the woman-bio-sex. But likewise, ironically, I sense that they're jealous of that I can claim the "woman lane" despite looking convincingly male, because I'll always be biologically female, no matter how insible my sex is.

They cannot see me as a woman, because of my transition, without looking at themselves as men, no matter how far they transition. And I cannot see them as women, no matter how far they transition, without labeling myself as a man, because of my own transition. I think that about nails it.

Part 5 Conclusions:

I don't think it's true hatred, but rather insecurities both from myself and from them. Because we cannot both exist as women under the same ideology. One of us has to be considered a man, and neither of us is willing to fold on that. Ultimately... I am a threat to their womanhood, as much as they are a threat to my womanhood. And that tension is so thick... not even a knife could cut it. I guess the sad thing is though, that I think that tension is unnecessary. I am so unlike trans women that we could potentially bond based on how different we are. Because there is a lot of similarity in those differences, if you really think about it.

But no, I do not wish them harm in any way. Despite the vast array of insults I sometimes hurl their way. That is really just in response to them insulting me. I do not think they're doing anything wrong by transitioning, or even necessarily by identifying as women. I think, if they had just been more like "I can see you as a woman despite having transitioned, because deep down you like being female and having a pussy... kinda like I'm a woman because I wanna have a pussy, despite having been born male" I would have been much quicker to embrace them. Because that, I could get behind; but they can't.

So, there is no solidarity. It remains an endless fight. But I feel like it's not just on my part. I have tried. I do try. But they're not willing to meet me halfway, and that makes me go to attack in self-defense, which makes then go to attack in self-defense.

[mueritos]

You know not all transmeds are bad people, right? Yes you may not agree with their ideologies, but not all of them are like Blaire or Kalvin. Not all of them push their thoughts onto others or ignore a person's pronouns simply because they don't agree. They still try to be polite. At the end of the day, you're generalizing them, just as some transmeds tend to do as well.

I’ve had this ask in a while now and at first I was mulling over it and now I just look back and laugh. This is the equivalent of Trump saying “there are good people on both sides.” Here’s the thing: I recognize that on each side of an issue the people that comprise them are individuals. What I don’t recognize is the fact that the ones with harmful rhetoric are excused for not being as open or as assertive about it as others in their community. This lengthy so I will insert a read more. Not proof reading this so if there's spelling mistakes just get over it.

There is a spectrum to bigotry from violent and genocidal fascists to white women who clutch their purse just a little bit more tightly once a brown man enters the elevator with her; the point is is that it’s still bigotry. Here's the amazing thing about bigotry: we all perpetuate it. Yes, that means even the largest of saints are still capable of backwards thought. That’s quite clearly the point. For example, its not enough to say you’re not racist, no, because saying that gives a person enough feelings of validation to feel like they don’t have to examine their own internalized thoughts/feelings/ideas. What SHOULD be hailed as correct is to say you are ANTI-racist. The addition of the word ANTI signals two things: 1, you are AGAINST racism, and 2, you are working to be AGAINST racism. This includes keeping up with current events, listening to others’ experiences, learning when to be quiet, etc.

So how does this relate to the idea that all transmeds are transphobes? Well, we’ve already established that everyone is and are capable of bigotry on various levels. I feel I’ve already explained why transmed ideology is already transphobic before, but just to summarize why I personally do not subscribe to it: I refuse to partake in neocolonialism. Transmed ideology is a direct erasure of indigenous trans and gender variant identities/peoples by the assumption that trans or gender variant identities are rooted in medical diagnosis/treatment, and also by the assumption that gender dysphoria is a byproduct of transness when really its a byproduct of a Eurocentric society. Essentially, colonization sucks and is the reason why trans identities are so controversial in the first place (literally one of the first things that Christopher Columbus did when he set foot in America was round up all of the Two-Spirit people and set his dogs on them).

Okay, so I said my opinion with a bunch of fancy words, so what? The issue here boils down to neocolonialism. What europeans did to America (yes America and not THE AMERICAS, people seem the forget that north and south american are literally ONE continent) is obviously still evident today. In other words, what colonization did to the world is still evident today, and I think it’s incredibly important to be aware of how it’s still being perpetuated today. Rigid ideas of gender are just not true and to think that they were always so is just so false...”It was something of a historic coup to enforce the notion of two fixed, idealized genders that we now consider natural. Speaking in strictly physical terms, many perfectly healthy people are born intersexed, with male and female physiological characteristics, showing that these categories exist on a fluid continuum” (Anarchy Works, Peter Gelderloos). I’m not sure if you can understand the GRAVITY of the quote above, but this is not just online discourse, my friend. Trans identities have always existed, you see this in native Two-Spirits and in los Muxes from Oaxaca, Mexico, and biological variation is a natural and healthy phenomena that occurs in ALL species (and in fact is necessary for species survival). Concepts and ideas of “otherness” originated from colonizers with fucked up religions and capitalist greed. When we refuse to accept experiences other than our own (non-dysphoric/poc gnc trans ppl/mogai), when we refuse to listen to science and history (biological variation, indigenous trans identities), when we refuse to own up to the fact that evidence and science changes (”gendered brains” has been disproven yet still heralded as evidence for transmeds, etc), we are not only denying our perceived reality, we are perpetuating centuries of violence. 

Do I believe all transmeds are bad people? No, and I never said that. I just said transmed is transphobic. I am someone who believes in change as I have seen it occur in people I never thought possible. My father called my uncle a f*ggot for marrying late and today he is unlearning the years of hate instilled in him by a society that teaches to oppress and colonize. My mother told me no one would ever see me as a man, and today she calls me her son. Their comments were bigoted, but they are working to not be so.  THAT is what matters. I let my thoughts and my ideas and my research be presented publicly in hopes that someone may question something they were taught to be true, or in hopes that someone may learn to understand others better, etc. I focus my efforts on those are trying to understand, not on the ones who are just “polite” and sit on the sidelines watching with disgust in their minds. You may not necessarily be a “bad” person for subscribing to transmed rhetoric, but one should not deny the fact that transmed rhetoric is transphobic/racist/colonialist. If you are not working to be against bigotry, you are part of the problem. Decolonize yourself.

I hope this cleared things up. If I have some information incorrect, pls let me know. If you also have additional information, please add! If you would like additional reading/viewing:

Anarchy Works:

 https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/peter-gelderloos-anarchy-works (Ch 1. Human Nature)

Los Muxes:

 https://youtu.be/iiek6JxYJLs

https://theculturetrip.com/north-america/mexico/articles/a-brief-history-of-muxe-mexicos-third-gender/

Two-Spirit:

https://kitschmix.com/two-spirit-spiritual-concept-gender-native-tribes/

 https://www.ihs.gov/lgbt/health/twospirit/

http://plainshumanities.unl.edu/encyclopedia/doc/egp.gen.004

[tomatograter]

do you have any thoughts on trans girl jake? i thought their narrative and character arc on being specialized by the others, and being comfortable about themself will wrap up nicely with them ending up as a transgirl!! it defies what people expects of them, and breaks them out of the traditional idealized reoccurring masculinity theme (which jake was obviously uncomfortable with)

(what follows is my personal thoughts, i’m not laying down the word of God, i just have Thots on Jake English ALSO THIS IS A PRETTY LONG POST? IM SORRY. i promise i will include pics.) 

Jake English is a gender mimic. He’s the ‘raised by wolves’ trope, except instead of literally being raised by dog like Grandpa Harley he had a few years with Jade and then mostly nothing but the monsters at lusii island and a crap-ton of escapist media. He’s used to having a full playing field where he can indulge in unquestioned fantasy, and that comes in the form of his Indiana + Croft sexy 2000′s hero persona that is comfortable for him (and its worthy of note how one is Peak masculinity and the other is Peak femme fatale) until he has to really interact with real people with Expectations and Biases. 

This is where i need to talk about the alphas. It’s nearly impossible to talk about Jake without talking about how he adapts around other people, specially the ones that he truly gives a shit about. Jake selectively picks the opinions that matter to him, and these are mostly what the other alphas think. (Compare to how he speaks over Erisol, jesters around Caliborn, and mostly pumps his own self pity with Tavrosprite for compliments- If you don’t want to count the epilogues scene he has with Davekat which mostly boils down to “you might have a point, but i’m loyal to jane, so you’ll have to really convince me of politics.”)

What holds him back from dating Dirk is Jane’s opinion, and What Jane Could Think (which is in no way jane’s fault, just his overthinking) because unlike dirk’s high octane masculinity, she’s the pillar of sitcom normalcy in his life. She lives in the real world, mostly removed from the bullshit the rest of the alphas are in, and she’s written to be the ideal generic romcom youth living a perfectly picture worthy life. The disastrous conversation where Jane denies her feelings is prompted by Jake finding confirmation she’s into him via Roxy- and he immediately grows nervous of that meaning she wouldn’t “approve” him going any other way, or that it’d be weird for a boy like him. And he needs to be sure before anything else- and also every step of the way, which will eventually exhaust her because its a load of bullshit and not her responsibility.  It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s more that he’s afraid what others will think if he wants.

But he’s never direct about it. He just brings things up and lets people get their own opinions from it- because he’s REALLY passive about conflict and he’d rather solve things with the least amount of struggle possible, always. He just needs confirmation. And then comes this bit:

I read this bit of text in 2 ways: 1) Jake realizing pretty soon that his attractions aren’t limited to gender. & 2) Jake realizing pretty soon that gender is just a big ole scam, and that he couldn’t care less if it weren’t for outside perception of him. It’s just another performance!

Jake’s ongoing theme is that he hates being perceived (be it sexually, mentally, personally, in the sense that he abhors judgement and objectification and is afraid of being known) just as much as he gets by freely by allowing others to project whatever they want onto him- and he’s not bound to complying unless it’s shit he enjoys. He’s an indulgence chamber. He doesn’t want to be bound by rules or expectations partly because he’s sort of a lukewarm coward and partly because he thrives in contradiction. And all that sounds pretty dandy, but it doesn’t means he’s exempt from anxiety of what others think of him every step of the way and what that means to his projected image. Brain Ghost Dirk is part dirk splinter, part jake constantly asking himself ‘what would dirk do?’ because he thinks he’s not capable on his own.

and its where we get my favorite line:

“i dont WANNA be a man and i dont WANNA punch her in the face!” Maybe 2000′s action heroes who shoot first and ask questions later are, generally, sort of pretty stupid? And his fantasy can only go so far before it becomes something all too real he doesn’t want to be a part of? THIS is the line. I’ve already written about this bit before, in how Jake’s sexuality and the denial of his agency over it are traditionally a feminine narrative applied to a character desperately trying to be the quirky male lead of an adventure story. He really wants to be both. He doesn’t want to be forced to choose or to subscribe to one extreme. He wants his cake and he’s going to fucking eat it, too.

The crockertier Jane/Jake scene encapsulates everything jake wants to project, Indiana & Croft, and spins it on its head: he would rather die than be the big man hero and hurt jane (and he does die for it, later) & becoming the femme fatale means giving up what little agency he has for other people’s eyecandy benefits. and maybe that really fucking sucks? He loves these concepts but he also really hates the reality of them? That’s the concept of Jake.

But despite all that, he’s generally comfortable with his masculinity to the point of neutrality unless somebody else brings up The Norms and how he’s betraying them by not being the definition of a cishet dude. All the alphas have a very tricky relationship with gender performance, and they rely on notions of eachother. ( https ://twitter. com/hulknaps/ status/1133205821024800769?s=20 ) But Jake relies on the alphas to define him based on the moment. He adapts to different people in different ways. he switches often, because the persona he’s constructed is not solidly him, just one of many detachable masks of convenience. the aspect of transformation or characters with chameleon features is all over his intro page too, even if it starts as a red herring that he might be lord english.

Just count how many references you can make to alter-egos, transformations, ‘avatars’, multiple personalities or forms in this one page. i’ll make some of them easy: Mystique, Ghost rider, Hulk, his beloved Avatar, all rely on the concept of having fluid forms. Two of them are also blue ladies! did you know there’s a blue hulk and he’s a goofy jock? i’m going offtopic, but you grasp the idea.

I’m utterly subscribed to the idea of Jake being GNC/nonbinary/genderfluid or simply slapping a big ‘agender’ on it. I give dirk shit for always running from the gay label out of fear, but jake sort of does this too, relying strongly on not being defined and doing whatever feels best at the moment. It also fits his aspect and denizen, but those are more abstract references.

and since i dont know how to better end this bit of meta, here’s a little section of Mystique, blue lady extraordinary and one of his beloved characters. make of it what you will.

[thoughtsdying]

That moment you wake up from a dream with a clear and more or less linear plot along the two protgs, their relationship development, a villain, two different cities + respectives cultures your brain has borrowed, and a friend group + dormitories/library, a cafe, a beach and a climate template. Also tragic backstory for both main charas (non related to anything to do with sex-gender). Also a feel of everything happening a century or two (at the most) in the future.

And you go to write everything down before you forget anything... And you realise, Protg A who was basically you avatar in your dream (but not me me just like I was following in close third person narrative that sometimes crossed to first, i guess)  sometimes felt more like a woman and others more like a man. But not either wholly really, just different inclinations at a nebulous spectrum. And it was totally cool with Protg B, who just vibed in the same brain frequency (no in the gender thing but more in the mutually understanding thing) and had gotten a second in command for their band of timetraveling uni rebels in like, two months.

No, I don’t know either. Like, Protg A sexuality is totally my proyection (grayro-asexual), and Protg B (aro-allopan) is like. My answer to “lol you thought it was an oblivious protg romance but really they good friends who comunicate and are negotiating a qpr in a context of possible poly” which. Relationship goals shameless proyection we can keep going on. (My brain almost got me with it, and when at the end of the dream they just hugged and talked it out I was like. OH NICE!)

But the gender thing is... Interesting. Keeping that for the future story. I’m totally cis but eh. Dreams are weird; once I had a dream about having sex (one of the of three I’ve had in my life) and then regretting it bcs it broke a friendship (it wasn’t romantic, either. more like very... companiable) and it was weird and like, I hated it and woke up very relieved it didn’t happen. That was, on retrospective, when I was seriously pseudo.questioning the ace thing (the aro stuff came much later) for the first time and wondering if people really dreamt with sex, and I think my brain passive-agressive style answered with that dream. I woke up feeling very lucky I didn’t want romance and a bit sad (the aro stuff crept back then under the camuflage of the ace stuff) It also had an over complicated plot, this one just had more weird real life content, so no sharing.

I think it’s more that I want to try sometimes to wear more formal masculine clothes when going out, instead of only form fitting dresses or long skirts (which are my fckg cryptonite) or combine the two. More general pretty clothes in a gnc way than anything that felt trans-genderqueer. (I really like my body and gender as it was asigned, just. Being a woman feels secondary to being a person lmao, bcs that’s what it should be in my opinion) But the afternoon before the night I dreamt this whole story I had been reading in passing about history of the aro and ace communities, and it crossed with bi-pan and trans history so it was in my mind.

When I put the dream into words and realised what Protg A gender was my reaction was; oh that’s new! I didn’t notice in the dream they changed their presentation, it happened so naturally! (dream logic, i guess. should be the attitude in real life) So writing it down for the story it goes. Either way, I have to read more and investigate and find some proofreaders if I want to do justice to Protg A and Protg B (sexual attraction what sexual attraction? do you eat it?) Wish me luck xD

[rosemoonweaver]

Okay so let's talk about one of transphobic talking points I hate the most. It comes in two flavors but it's basically the same thing. It goes like this:

"I might've been convinced I was trans as a child and wrongfully transitioned because I was a tomboy" OR "I might've been convinced to transition because my father wanted a boy and I had internalized misogyny".

Okay. So yeah. Plenty to break down here but I'm gonna try to keep it short.

First, what gets me about these arguments are that they seem to assume that "transitioning" is the end goal of a transgender identity and that it's a quick process with very little thought involved. Which is... well bullshit. The assumed end goal here is "the surgery"... ya know, where they make your outie into an innie or vice versa. Which is expensive and time consuming and requires saving money, finding a specialist, and the actual procedure. It ignores and forgets other medical intervention possible, like top surgery, breast augmentation, FFS, and hormones. It also ignores and forgets that this process isn't started the second you come out and many barriers such as how where you live restricts the kind of medical care you could get as a trans person.

Second, if you think for one minute that the people in your life hate women so much that they cannot accept you on the basis of your gender but would *prefer* you as a trans guy... you live on Mars. Just straight up, you do not understand people. If your father was an asshole who wanted you to be a boy, he wanted a cis boy. You really think he'd prefer a trans boy to a girl you have a gross misunderstanding of how cis people actually view and treat trans people. (Bit actually you know this deep down, you're just being obtuse and we both know it.)

And lastly, the *irony* of you assertion that the worst thing in the world for you would be that someone assumed you were one gender and forced you to live that way OR that you thought you had to be a certain gender (even though you knew you weren't) you conform to pressure from your family... like the absolute lack of self awareness! God! But it's horrible, isn't it? The idea that someone would force you to be something you're not - that you'd have to live a lie to be accepted. It's horrifying isn't it? (Do I even have to explain it?)

But the worst - the absolute worst thing about this argument - is the premise it operates under. It's the premise that "these days" there are too many transgenders. Too many "demiflux starboys and fluidfuck GNC lmnops". Too many trans people living their lives, being open about their gender, challenging your preconceived notions of gender and being *gag* visible and no! Nononononono! You can't be trans! Everyone knows trans people are miserable and only want to be seen as cis and guard their AGAB as a deep, shameful secret and now that you deviants are out there looking like freaks you're going to make all kids think they're trans and then they'll disfigure themselves because everyone knows trans bodies are disgusting and they'll hate themselves and it'll your your fault not mine! It's not my fault its repulsive. They'll rush into decisions they'll regret because I don't believe a person can be the gender they say they're are unless they take expensive steps to modify their bodies and therefore I won't accept them until they do so they feel pressured to make a decision instead of being given the freedom to understand and explore themselves. I'm not a transphobe I'm just concerned about trans people!

[teeforhee]

Fuck, I'm not sure I'll ever get over how much CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service, it's the under-18s mental health service in Scotland) let me down as a kid.

It's like this. You're 11 and you're traumatised but you're scared of using that word, you don't know if you're allowed it, but you are traumatised. And you're so anxious you can't breathe most of the time, you can't sit down and speak to any of your friends, you can do your school work but you keep falling apart and everything feels like it's getting worse all the time. You don't fit in, you're weird and awkward but your schoolwork is good so you aren't worrying about your grades, you're not even sure why you feel this way (it's unprocessed trauma, but again, you don't feel like you're allowed that word). You're s/hing and struggling with suicidal ideation, and you're lucky enough to still trust authority figures, so you do what everyone says you should. You trust an adult. And she calls your GP, who is another adult you choose to trust, who you bare your heart to with all of these symptoms that make your feel sick to even acknowledge, and then they make you an appointment with CAMHS. You came in asking for treatment. They referred you to CAMHS. They did not explain what CAMHS was other than what the letters stood for. That's okay - it's treatment, right? They're gonna help. You can talk this through and they'll help- just gotta be careful you don't get institutionalised. You don't want that, yet.

You talk to a CAMHS worker. She's a psychologist. She says it's very likely you have autism to your mother after your first session. Your mother broaches the topic gently. You are overjoyed: there's an answer! oh fuck, this explains so much! but it's not treatment. It's a word. The psychologist puts you on a waiting list and you have 22 sessions of CBT with her, trying to unpack your trauma and trying to build up coping skills. So many of them feel like just denying the truth, so many of them feed into your magical thinking ("the one thing you can control is your thoughts, you must always control your thoughts, good things will happen when you control your thoughts and stop thinking the bad thoughts"), but it's treatment, mostly. You stop seeing her twice- once because you are trying to develop an eating disorder and having a mental health professional who wants to hear how you're doing is totally cramping your style (I wasn't actually trying to develop an ED really, I was trying to cope in ways other than s/h, in ways that felt honest to the situation and real and gave me a sense of control that "controling my thoughts" just wasn't doing). You come back for recovery. You tell her you want an eating plan. By the time she even considers an appointment with a nutritionist, you've moved past that stage in your recovery on your own. You stop seeing her again because you get into an abusive relationship who doesn't really like you having contact with people who aren't him, and he super super doesn't like you not being able to talk to him for a whole hour every week. That part isn't their fault: no one could be gotten me out of that until I decided to; believe me, everyone around me tried, and it didn't work until I wanted I to, the third time.

But I left, again, I was without support for 6 months, and when I came back it was after my father (the earliest source of my trauma) had died. They take 4 sessions compiling evidence as to what treatment i needed going forward, without telling me that was what they were doing (I was trying to build trust with an adult again after 6 months of constant reinforcing that I couldn't trust anyone but my abuser), and then an appointment with a psychiatrist and your mother and a new psychologist. They dismiss and justify the symptoms that most worry me, they have at this point turned down my request to be institutionalised multiple times (including after an aborted suicide attempt, I presume they thought that was fine because made it clear that I did want to live), and they say at the end of the meeting that they are going to give me an official diagnosis of autism and that after that CAMHS has nothing more to offer me.

They say that if after 22 sessions with a psychologist I am still struggling so much (bear in mind that probably close to half of those sessions I was concealing factors that were actively making my mental health worse and which were traumatising me) I clearly can't gain anything more from their service, and anyway, autism isn't a mental illness and CAMHS as a service can only help while waiting for/trying to get a diagnosis, or if you have a diagnosis or a disorder for which they could provide specialist treatment. My very obvious PTSD? nah, no big-T Traumas, and c-ptsd is way too hard to diagnose. I receive a hilarious letter detailing all of the evidence (I mean genuinely insightful but also fucking hilarious and I do want to note down funniest bits and post them hear at some point, stuff like "unusual speech was noted, (exclamations of 'wacky!' while describing his symptoms)") and then they refer me to a charity which, at time of writing, I have had 1 assessment phone call with, and am waiting for a call back for my next and first proper appointment.

They did not inform me when I was first referred that CAMHS is a diagnostic and specialist treatment service and if they did (this was well over two years ago now, I don't remember word-for-word what my GP told me), they did not tell me that meant that they would kick me out to a charity once they figured they couldn't label me with anything requiring specialist treatment. During our last sessions they were unyeildingly focussed on the trauma of my father dying and of the "shock" of my diagnosis (that I had been waiting for for 2 years. yes, very shocking/s) when those were not my biggest problems. My relationship with my father is complex and I won't get into it here, but suffice it to say that his death was the last step on a very, very long journey, and honestly one of the least traumatising.

I let them keep the focus there because I desperately hate talking about the actual, recent, debilitating trauma of being in lockdown with an abusive partner for 6 months. That shit hurts, I can't even say his name, but that is the thing that I need to unpack if I'm ever going to be able to go outside in the sun again.

Repeatedly ignoring the requests I made for specific treatment until past the point where I needed it anymore, not informing me how the service I was going to be working with for 2 years even worked in something so basic as "what is this for? what will happen to me if I get a diagnosis they can't give me specialised care for?", telling an 11 year old child that suicidal ideation is "not that serious", a fundamental misunderstanding of what I needed and wanted to hear ('normal' is not a helpful word. 'normal' tells me 'suck it up, everyone experiences this and they're all fine, you're normal, just think better' why are they all so adamant that I am normal? Not even considering my mental health I am an autistic bisexual gnc trans guy, we went past whatever 'normal' means a long time ago, fucking listen to me), at every single step of the way this system has left me in the same state I was before, the only improvement being through support from my friends, fucking Childline (gd fucking bless Childline volunteers, but still, I shouldn't have been getting so little support that that felt like my only option), mental health masterposts on Tumblr, chats with my (luckily) very nice guidance counselor (they're called pastoral teachers here but I know most folks reading this are American or are most familiar with the American school system) and what amounts to gritting my teeth and getting through it.

It was worth it, of course my life was worth it, of course I say the same thing every person who's attempted suicide says, I'm more grateful than words could possibly express that I survived, that I get to go home in a few minutes and feed my kitten and write and message my friends, but for fucks sake it didn't need to be this hard. And it doesn't need to be this hard. I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still waiting on that second appointment with this charity, I'm still 3+ months behind at school, and I'm one of the lucky ones. My boyfriend has been hurt worse by CAMHS, left even more isolated than I was, even more traumatised by the way he was treated, and every single person I know who's been in this system agrees that it's deeply, deeply flawed.

I don't want people to have competitions over who's medical experiences are worse, who's country has the worst mental health system, who's been the most traumatised by their psychiatrists or lack thereof, please. Please don't make this the suffering Olympics. I'm just making this post cause I know, I know that other people have had similar experiences, whether with CAMHS or whatever their equivalent is. Mental health services need serious reform that puts patients first, listens to their needs and requests, that is well funded and well staffed by people who care about their patients wellbeing more than they care about controling other people's lives.

Austerity in the UK is a huge reason why this happened the way it did- my first psychologist left the service to go work somewhere that pays better, leaving just one newly-graduated psychologist that clearly had no idea what she was doing and didn't care to sympathise or show compassion for me.

This shit needs to change, because kids need help, and this is not good enough.

[decadentdollhouse]

oooo im very curious about your discovery of both your nonbinary identity and wiccan/witch interests... which came first and when did you first consider/realize them as possibilities? also do you find they interact with each other/influence expression w each other? (i dont know much about witch/wiccan stuff also, so sorry if this doesnt really make sense lol!!) just very interested in getting to know more about u!♥️

Thank you so much for this thoughtful ask!

For my spirituality, I got lucky in that I am a white American who did not grow up in a Christian household. My father is, but my mother is Wiccan, and given that my father was originally planning to graduate seminary school and become a priest, this was a point of mild contention.

Ultimately, my father is just concerned with wether or not someone is a good person, and that has nothing to do with spiritual beliefs, so my parents agreed that they would not raise me under any specific religion, but rather would do their best to introduce me to as many as possible and let me decide for myself what faith I would pursue.

I was always fascinated with my mom’s tarot and spell jars while I was growing up, but what really drew me to Wicca was the three fold law and the entirety of the universe is just a constant flow and conversion of energy, everything connected and dependent on another. I don’t follow any particular teaching and rather have been refining my views with new experiences and research, making something that really works for me.

On the subject of non-binary, well, that is an incredibly recent discovery, within the last 2 1/2 - 3 years? For the longest time, I thought I was cisgender just because I didn’t hate my gender in some violent way, and honestly I just didn’t really feel anything about it at all. So around the time I turned 20, I figured out that sounded a lot more like agender than cis, and I explored that for a while, before realizing that while I definitely wasn’t male or female, I definitely felt that I had an identifiable gender. The only logical conclusion from there is being non-binary! I’m still working out specifics and personal goals, but I’m comfortable with my identity at the moment!

As for how either has affected the other, I’m fairly certain the cosmic balance and general hippy ideas my mother raised me with had a lot to do with why it took me so long to recognize my gender identity: I had no functional social expectations of gender. Women could be loud and work hard labor and be the boss of the relationship. Men can be gentle and artistic and nurturing. There’s fashion differences, but I’ve literally never had the thought that ‘I can’t do x because I’m not the right gender’ unless it was barred by a law of some sort, like bathrooms and sports teams.

Now my gender is affecting my spirituality in that I need to rework a few spells, as there are many where the symbolism can be a bit too binary, but it doesn’t take too much tweaking. I’ve also taken more towards gnc spirits and deities in my worship and have been on the lookout for charms here and there to help me along in my dysphoria and euphoria times.

Sorry, this was a really mouthful! But thank you again for sending this ask Nonnie! 💜🌸

[houseofvans]

SKETCHY BEHAVIORS | INTERVIEW WITH LAUREN YS

From large scale murals to multi-layered works on canvas, LA based artist Lauren YS’s art captures everything from the female experience, addressing topics like sexuality, death, aliens, monsters, and the occult. Her works are complex much like her own experiences, so we’re super stoked to find out more about what drives her, who and what inspires her, and what challenges and advice she has for our readers in this awesome Sketchy Behaviors interview..

Take the leap!

Photographs courtesy of the artist. 

Introduce yourself. Hey! I’m Lauren YS - Hmm, something you might not know … I used to play ice hockey and my favorite candy are Peach O’s. I am a really good listener, but that also means I hate being interrupted. I dream, often, about being underwater.

Tell folks a little about your artwork and what do you love to make works about? I make work about the female experience, sexuality, identity, space, aliens, heritage, death, monsters, nature, emotions, natural phenomena, the occult and whatever else I might be obsessing about. I like slimy creatures, kitsch, psychedelia, sex and Halloween, and mixing repulsion with attraction. I want the viewer to feel unsettled as much as engaged. I make things in an effort to try to process the beautiful shit rocket that is the world around me.

When did art become something you were aware you could do for a living or as a career you wanted to pursue? I have always been making art, but I never thought it was possible to support oneself as an artist: It seemed really out of reach or surreal. It wasn’t until I had already been fully freelance for a year before I realized I was actually doing it. I think it’s just something that comes out of necessity, it’s like – if I want to keep making art as much as possible at the rate I am living, then damn, I’m going to learn how to make money off of it.

What’s a typical studio day for you like? I tend to work nocturnally. I’ll paint through the night and sleep through the day and watch horror movies, listen to podcasts about art, serial killers and cults, and eat anywhere from 1-2 sacks of tangerines every day. I like to really plow through paintings as well, it’s hard for me to stop working on something once I start. After about three weeks in the studio like this, your mind starts to wander off into deep strange places, and that’s when the really good stuff comes out.

What’s your studio or creative space like? What do you keep around to constantly motivate or inspire you? I have always worked best in a bit of “artistic chaos”–I like to fill my space with odds and ends, knick-knacks, items from my travels, talismans. I believe in the power of objects. I love my lava lamp and need to buy seven more. I also have this drawing I made of an Asian grandma screaming “DRAW, MOTHERFUCKER” which I plan to make into a screen print and give to all my artist friends.

When working on a body of paintings and works for a show, what is your process like? How long does it typically take you to complete a painting from start to finish? Depending on the size of the gallery, it can take anywhere from 2-6-10 months to create a show, given that it is often punctuated by mural tours and big projects to pay the bills. I like to work on lots of pieces at the same time, so generally it’ll take a few days to a week or two to finish a piece. I am trying to get better at reworking pieces rather than just pushing through them one by one. Workflow is still sorting itself out. I also make a ton of pieces that end up being nixed from the final show. I am very prolific but also very psychotic.

Not only do you work on canvas, but you are also known for some of your amazing murals! When did you start going from painting on a regular scale to large scale works? What’s your process like for mapping out these large works? Well shucks, thank you! I started painting murals around 2013, which was a sort of natural transition because I wanted to work bigger and bigger, I wanted to travel and be in the sun and use giant machines to make my art. I actually started learning color from using spray paint. I freehand everything because I like to feel independent of projectors or machines, especially if I’m in a foreign country or don’t have time or resources.

It makes me feel empowered to be able to make big things on my own. Maybe that comes from growing up under the common experience girls have, especially asian girls, where you’re expected to be small and quiet and obedient. I have always worked in active aggression against that stereotype.

Is there a medium you’d love to get your hands on, but yet to have the chance too? And what are your go-to materials? I’d really love to learn how to use an airbrush, a la Sorayama. Outside of 2D I am dying to get back into stop motion animation. My favorite brand of spray paint is Montana Black (high pressure forever!), and I use a wide variety of acrylics and gouache in my paintings, specifically the Holbein gouaches from Japan.

What do you love about where you live, and what is the art community like in your area? I never thought I’d move to LA, but I’ve been really enjoying it here. I’m a communal living person (been in and out of communities for about 9 years) and I am lucky to have found somewhere that fits with my work ethic (intense) and social vibe (weird). I like to be able to work alone while still having people bustling around and making things all the time. It helps me to feel like I’m not dead or a total solipsist.

I’ve also found that the artists in LA–especially the female artists–have proven to be really kind, generous and welcoming. There’s a lot of room for weirdos here; it might take a while to find them, but they’re here. We also have a one-eyed cat, did I mention that?

Who are some artists you’re inspired by and have influenced you throughout the years? I’m a big fan of dark/psychedelic/erotic artists like Keiichi Tanaami, Suehiro Maruo, Sorayama and the whole Ero Guro movement. I also love Goya’s dark paintings and the sculpture work of Bernini. Some contemporary artists I’ve been into lately are Christian Rex Van Minnen, David Altmejd, Robin Francesca Williams and the fabric sculptures of Do Ho-Suh. Jamie Hewlett, Swoon, Andrew Hem, Aryz. I find that my taste changes constantly and I am always thirsty for different influences.

What’s been the most challenging part of your art career? What’s been the most rewarding? What do you do to keep the balance? Something really challenging has been learning how to trust myself while growing in the industry and balancing business, work and travel. It’s a really solid test: moving to a new city, providing for yourself, going on tour, shifting from place to place, managing gallery work and mural work, all while protecting and nurturing your own ambition and positivity, and not feed into the shitstorm of capitalism and social media past what is required of you.

The muralist life is not for the faint of heart. I would hardly say that I keep any type of “balance”–art is my life and there isn’t much room for anything else, and that’s how I like it. It is the most rewarding thing to look around and feel like you’ve created something new and good and powerful, all on your own terms. It is similarly rewarding to feel the need to level up - I enjoy feeling stressed arguably more than I enjoy feeling accomplished.

What would your dream collaboration be? What do you enjoy most about collaborations with other artists or clients? I would love to do something with Takashi Murakami and/or his gallery (Kaikai Kiki Gallery). There’s also this amazing Australian animator named Felix Colgrave whose work I’ve been obsessed with lately, I’d love to find a way to make an animated short with him! I love collaborating - especially on mural work - because it’s such a cool experience to be able to intermingle your visual world with someone else’s. Working with ONEQ in Hawaii this year was really great, she had so many suggestions and ideas from out of left field that made me rethink my own work as well. It also forces you to relinquish some control on the way you work, and reflect on the basic joys of making shit in the first place.

If you could paint a portrait of anyone living or dead, who would you choose and why? I really want to do a tripped out portrait of Yayoi Kusama or Bjork or maybe Steve Buscemi—all heroes of mine.

What’s your advice to folks who see what you do and want to pursue art as a career? I would say, go at it as hard as you possibly can! Make sure you really enjoy doing it! Not all parts of painting murals are glamorous (actually, few are) and it’s important to truly love every part of it if you’re going to commit your life to it.

This means: hustling walls, handling machinery, travel, people, logistics, finding somewhere to pee, dealing with unexpected bullshit, not complaining, being comfortable handling yourself in dangerous situations, being independent and resourceful, etc. I have reservations about artists who genuinely don’t seem to enjoy all the elements of mural painting going too deep into it. But if it’s something you love, there’s nothing better.

What are your FAVORITE Vans? I’ve been rocking the classic authentic Vans in black/burgundy as paint shoes for years now. But I also love the Sk8-Hi boys in burgundy… I never wear them because I’m too scared to get paint on them, haha!

What other artists would you love to see interviewed for Sketchy Behaviors? I’m currently really into Andrea Wan, Louise Zhang and Caratoes. It would also be really cool if you covered a GNC or trans artist, like Nomi Chi or Laughing Loone!

What’s next for you that you can share? My first book is coming out this year with Von Zos, and I’m also going to be designing a tarot deck with them. April is my first mural tour in several months; I’ll be hopping from Australia - Guam - Peru, and then moving around South America for a while, trying to practice my spanish. After that, I’ll be starting work on my next big show, scheduled for a city in Asia, which I’m really, really excited about - keep an eye out!

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