#like maybe they did something wrong but half of them are always about an autistic person and it feels so gross | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tangledinink · 2 years

Text

raph fans come get y'all juice. chapter four of i'm sorry, teenage mutant what now? is up! read it on ao3 or below the cut!

[ prev ]

Okay, fine, he’d admit it. Dad was acting weird.

Like, weird weird, not regular weird. Their dad had always been weird, which Leo had always chalked up to 1.) him being their dad 2.) him spending time in Hollywood. But this? This was off, even for him.

Last night, he spaced out in the middle of one of Mikey’s stories, and Leo still wasn’t sure if he had literally fallen asleep with his eyes open or if he had just accidentally astral projected to the Twilight Zone or something. Of course, they had all then proceeded to say the most absolutely asinine, insane shit that they could think of in an attempt to goad a reaction until Mikey finally managed to snap him out of it by throwing some lentils at him. The day before that, he caught him rifling through that old shelf of weird knick-knacks that none of them were allowed to touch, muttering to himself the entire time like some crazy supervillain. Like, dude, had some ancient ninja ghost replaced their daddy, or what? ‘Cause this was getting freaky. He had kind of just thought Donnie was overreacting, but maybe he was onto something…

He hated it when Donnie was right. It happened annoyingly often and he could never admit it, lest he risk his twin’s ego becoming even larger. There’s only room for one egomaniac in this family.

“Think we can corner Dad on the train ride home and find out what’s happening? That way he won’t be able to run.” He said, casually, inviting himself into his twin brother’s room and tossing himself down on their bed.

Donnie pulled his eyes away from whatever robotics project he was currently tinkering with in order to glare at his brother, spinning around in his desk chair.

“Groan. Do we have to? That sounds unpleasant at best.”

“Hey, you started this in the first place. And you agreed to the plan,” he countered, pointing accusingly at the other. “You don’t get to back out now.”

“I’m not saying that I’m not worried, or that I don’t think someone should talk with him. I’m just saying that I don’t want to do it.” Donnie defended.

“Bummer. You’re participating.” Leo deadpanned. “Between you, me, and Raph, we might have half a chance. And if not… Well. We’ve got the big guns waiting at home.”

Donnie shuddered a bit. The Doctor.

“I don’t know. Based on historical data, there’s about a 76.4% chance that Dad will attempt to bodily throw himself out the window of a moving train if we try to talk to him about his feelings.”

“Do you think we can find a train car without windows?”

“I’ll do some research. I’m sure there are specs available online...” Donnie sighed, turning back around to face his desk and pulling out his phone.

Leo hummed softly, knowing that Donnie would, in fact, actually do that, whether or not it was realistic.

“I’m serious, Donnie. We actually have to talk to him.”

“I mean, yeah, sure. I am too. But what the hell are we gonna say?”

“Ugh. I don’t know! You’re the one with a therapist! And you’ve been seeing her for how long now? Shouldn’t you know how to do all the talky-feely shit by now?”

“I’m autistic.”

“So?”

“You should get a therapist.”

“Off-topic,” Leo muttered, rolling his eyes. “This is, like, weirder than he usually is. Like… Something is for real wrong. It’s kind of spooky.”

“It’s Mikey.”

Leo scoffed. “It’s not Mikey.”

“Yeah, it is. He started being weird right after Mikey lit himself on fire.”

“Mikey didn’t light himself on fire, Dee.”

“Well, he clearly did something . And Dad keeps looking at him like he thinks he’s gonna combust at any moment. There’s a very clear pattern of behavior, Leo.” He insisted. “Also, you don’t know what the hell Mikey did, either, because we both know he wasn’t just playing with matches in his room.”

“He might have been.” Leo huffed. “That kid is way more fucked up than we give him credit for. Remember in the fourth grade when someone destroyed his science fair project?”

Donnie shivered. “You don’t just forget something like that, Leo.”

“Exactly! Playing with lighters is totally within the realm of possibility.”

“There’s a difference between enacting violent but justified revenge and doing simply dangerous stuff just for the fun of it.” Donnie countered, glancing up at the other through half-lidded eyes. “Plus, he’s used to all of us doing dangerous stuff for the fun of it! Dad wouldn’t react this way if he was just worried Mikey was gonna hurt himself. He deals with worrying Mikey is gonna hurt himself all the time. Nor would he let Mikey get away with this with nary a punishment if that were truly the case. In the very least, Dad doesn’t think the event was the result of Mikey just ‘playing with lighters.’”

“Oh, so what? It’s magic? His notebook magically caught on fire?” Leo challenged dryly, giving his twin an unimpressed look.

“Of course not. I’m a man of science.” Donnie scoffed. “I’m sure there’s a logical explanation, but, admittedly, I haven’t been able to intuit exactly what the cause was just yet. My investigation is still ongoing.” He sighed. “... But maybe Dad thinks it was?”

Leo paused for a moment, rolling the thought around in his head, frowning a bit.

“You think Dad thinks Mikey magically caught his notebook on fire?” He questioned, raising one brow in doubt.

“It’s possible,” Donnie said, shrugging. “We know that he’s superstitious.”

Leo hummed softly, his hand automatically moving to spin the small silver bracelet on his wrist, running his fingertips across the smooth edges of the blue crystal in its center. One in a set of five. He supposed that that was technically true… ‘Superstitious’ wasn’t really the first word that would come to mind if he was trying to describe his father. It wouldn’t even be in the top ten. But slapping actual good-luck charms onto each of his children did kind of automatically sort him into that category, didn’t it?

He knew his dad had a small altar in his room, and they would occasionally celebrate, or at least acknowledge, Japanese holidays that he had grown up with. But they didn’t have any other charms or amulets in their home, at least not that Leo knew of, just old knick-knacks and trinkets that lived on shelves or in closets. They had never gone to a shrine or temple or church or anything of the like in their lives, and he had never heard his Dad pray before. But the bracelets? He had always been really invested in that. Leo literally couldn’t remember a time when they hadn’t all worn them. He had told them since they were small that they ‘kept them safe ,’ and it had been a hard rule their entire lives that they weren’t to be removed.

It was the kind of thing that Leo was pretty sure people would think was weird if he brought it up-- so he usually didn’t. He used to think it was weird, too, honestly, and kind of dumb. I mean, they were just bracelets, right? So what did it matter? But he remembered the one time he had tried to take it off when he was around seven. Even now it was absolutely vivid in his brain every time he thought about it.

He hadn’t been trying to rebel or make trouble or anything, he had just been bored. He forgot exactly where they were, but they were waiting in line for something at some building with lots of desks and people milling about, discussing boring things. And there wasn’t anything to do! He had exhausted all viable options for entertaining himself: Annoying his father. Annoying his brother. Annoying his other brother. Annoying his other other brother. So he had basically run out of ideas.

He hadn’t even taken the bracelet off. I mean, not all the way. He was just messing with it, kind of yanking it up and down his wrist, and seeing if he could wiggle it up his hand over his knuckles--

But god, he remembers the way his father’s voice sounded when he caught him, biting out his name like it was painful. He remembers the look on his face, and even now it makes him feel small.

Not because his dad was angry. But because he was scared.

He had never seen his dad look that way before in his entire life. Like he was about to watch the entire world crumble down around him.

It was scary. His dad was scared, so he got scared, too. He shivers a little bit at the memory, his frown deepening. They had left shortly after, and Dad had assured him at least twenty times that he wasn’t mad, and he was sorry for scaring him, and it was okay, but that he couldn’t take the bracelet off. It was important.

Leo and his brothers had kind of decided after that that it probably was important and that they really shouldn’t take them off. Leo wasn’t entirely sure if he completely believed now that they actually ‘kept them safe’ or whatever, but he had certainly believed it then. And besides that, clearly, their father believed it, and that alone was enough for him. It was too small to really get off now, anyway. They had grown enough that Leo doubted he could wriggle his way out of it even if he wanted to. It was a small miracle that Raph hadn’t busted his with how damn beefy he had grown, but hey, he wasn’t gonna look a gift horse in the mouth or anything.

“Okay. Fine.” Leo conceded. “So, Dad thinks Mikey has magic hands, or whatever. What do we do about it?”

---

The train ride over to the swim meet was relatively calm, filled with idle chatter and conversation. Leo, Donnie, and Raph had met their Dad at the station after school, and they spent the trip discussing the new leaf Donnie's Monstera was growing, the most recent viral street magic video Leo had seen, and the latest funny thing Raph's swim kids had done. Raph attempted, unsuccessfully, to prod their Dad into sharing as well, but the most he got was information about the latest reality show episode he had watched. Their Dad wasn't always the biggest sharer, but usually, they could at least get him to discuss the state of his Dojos, any new acting prospects, or celebrity gossip. He loved celebrity gossip! But not today-- the conversation stayed squarely focused on his three sons.

Still, it had been pleasant, even with the slight stirring of anxiety in Raph's stomach. They were all busy more often than they weren't, so it was always nice to get to spend any amount of time together. Their pops didn't always attend all their various sporting events, recitals, or other competitions-- it just wasn't realistic. There was only one of him, after all. But they were getting towards the end of the season at this point, which meant that all the 'important' events were beginning to crop up on their calendars. Their Dad hated to miss those-- even if they did go pretty much every year. He always said he wanted to ‘brag about how talented his children were.’

The sports center was just a short walk from the train station, and Raph glanced down at their father as they made their way into the bustling lobby. "You know where you're goin', pops?"

"Yes, yes, of course. I could give tours of this place." His father joked, his frame shaking with his laughter. "You boys know how to find me if you need me. Now, go and have fun. And also, kick some butt!" He encouraged with a toothy grin.

"You got it, pops!" Raph assured, smiling wide in response, herding his two younger brothers off to the locker room. Usually, they'd come here with the rest of their team. Rather than traveling with their Dad, they'd travel with the other kids and their coach. But this was the city-wide meet. Qualifiers only-- which thinned out the crowd. Raph knew there were other competitors from the Mad Dogs Swim Team around here somewhere, but until they could hunt them down, it was just the three of them. Luckily, this was far from their first rodeo.

"Dibs on Candy Locker!" Leo yelled.

"Leo, no one else wants Candy Locker," Donnie said.

"Do not touch the Candy Locker!" Raph shouted.

They did this every year.

The infamous Candy Locker.

Raph, Leo, and Donnie had been competing in swim since they were eight and seven, respectively. And every year since then, all three of them had qualified for city-wide. And every year, city-wide was held at the Aquatics Pavilion at the Ithaca College campus. And every year that they came here, since they discovered it their very first time, the Candy Locker remained.

It was basically a historical landmark at this point, and Raph was continuously baffled that it still persevered. There were rows and rows of shiny slate gray lockers in the changing rooms, free for whatever visiting athlete to use while they competed, just big enough that you could fit a swim bag in there if you really put some muscle into it, all labeled and neat. Typically, you would open a locker without a padlock, and there would be one of two things there. One: someone else's clothes and bag. Someone already took this locker, but is playing it fast and loose and trusts no one will steal their shit. That's cool. Stealing ain't the Mad Dog way. Two: An empty locker. Sweet, free locker. You can shove your shit in there. But at the Aquatics Pavilion, there was also a third option.

That option was a faded yellow pillowcase filled to the brim with about two pounds of Halloween candy.

The running theory was that someone had stashed it here ages ago, forgotten it, and it had just been there ever since, therefore transforming Locker 336 into ‘Candy Locker.’ Raph wasn't sure if the staff at the school truly just weren't aware of it, if they just didn't feel like dealing with it, or if they too respected it enough that they couldn't bring themselves to destroy it. All he knew was that Candy Locker was forever, and a fixture of the institution.

He also knew that every single year, without fail, Leo tried to sneak chocolate out of Candy Locker.

"You can't use Candy Locker. Leo! It's not open for use! It's Candy Locker, and it needs to be treated with respect!" Raph yelled, giving a low groan of annoyance as Leo just barely glanced back at him, just for a moment, this absolutely feral look of excitement in his eyes, and darted off, breaking away from their small group. Dammit.

All of Raph's little brothers were fast and small and nimble. Raph always felt a tiny bit awed when he watched how they moved-- weaving about obstacles like minnows swimming upstream, dancing and darting about in a way that always looked effortless. Raph was fast, too, and he was far more acrobatic than the average high schooler... Don't get it twisted, he was perfectly capable of back-flips and cartwheels. But small? Small he was not.

It was tough being a big guy sometimes. I mean, he didn't dislike it by any means! He loved being large enough that he could see over crowds and keep an eye on everything. He loved feeling strong and powerful enough that he could plant himself in between his family and any kind of danger, and feel like a wall-- an immovable object. He loved being strong, relished the rush of pinning his opponents to the ground beneath him without any effort and smashing his way through obstacles.

... But with size and strength comes responsibility. Wait, was that the quote? Something like that. The point was, if he ran after Leo, he'd mow half these kids down. And he didn't wanna hurt anyone or anything. He knew better than that.

"Raphael."

Raph's father knelt down next to him, his voice gentle, but nudging, demanding to be heard. It took Raph a few moments, but eventually, he glanced up at him, peeking shyly at his father from behind his hand and uncurling from the small ball he was rolled into just the tiniest bit.

"Raphael, did you hit Leonardo?"

He hesitated for a moment, and then nodded a tiny bit, sniffling loudly.

"And bite him?"

He nodded again, drawing his legs up to his chest and hiding his face in his knees.

His father sighed softly. "Red, we cannot--"

"He pushed me first!" He bit out, and he could feel his face burn even hotter than before, all muddy with shame and anger sloshed together. "H-he was being mean, and, and he wouldn't leave me alone! And I wanted him to stop!"

"I will talk to him, Red. But just because he pushes you does not mean you can push back. Or hit him, or bite him. You are bigger than him, Raphael." This brought a fresh sob tumbling through Raph's chest, despite his best efforts. His father sighed again before slowly sitting down, holding out his arms.

"Come here, my son."

Raphael rolled over onto his hands and knees, crawling into his dad's lap and burrowing his face into his chest. His dad's arms wrapped around him, squeezing him tight and rocking the two of them back and forth. And for a while, they just sat like that, quiet and still, hidden away in the hallway closet.

"Is Leo okay?" Raph eventually mumbled, not picking up his head.

"He will be alright," Dad confirmed. "But you did hurt him quite a bit, Raphael."

"Sorry." He whispered. He wiped at his face with balled-up fists, hiccuping a few times. His mouth tasted salty, now, from the tears, but it still tasted bitter from the blood, too.

"...You did a very good job coming to get me right away."

Raph hummed a tiny bit in response, but he didn't say anything beyond that. He wished he could fold himself up even tighter and hide. He wished he was so small he could fit in between the floorboards. He wished he could disappear.

"You know, your gym teacher is very impressed with you, Red." Dad eventually began to speak again. "He told me all about how wonderfully you do whenever he sees you. You're bigger and stronger than the other kids in your class," He continued, and then laughed. "And I think that is very cool! And it makes me very proud to hear about how well you have done."

Raph finally dared to peek up at his father again, wiping some of the tears off his cheeks.

"But I know it can be hard to be strong sometimes. It is a lot of work, being big and strong! You have to be careful with others around you, even if they're not careful with you back. That is very difficult!" He said, his hand moving in slow circles up and down his child's spine. "But I have seen you many, many times be big and strong to protect your brothers, and keep them safe, and to help them." He said, keeping quiet for a moment before exhaling slowly through his nose. "... Can I share a secret with you, Red?"

A secret? His eyes widened a bit, and he immediately nodded.

"I have been thinking that perhaps you boys might be ready to start learning proper martial arts at the dojo." Raph let out an audible gasp, his entire body perking up with excitement. Actual for real kung-fu and karate and stuff?! Not just blocks and poses!? "But I am a little worried that your brothers might hurt themselves, or fight with each other if I teach them."

Oh. Raph hadn't thought of that before. He frowned a bit, his brows suddenly pinched with worry. He hadn’t ever considered before that learning martial arts could actually be a bad idea. If he learned martial arts with his Dad, what if he just hurt his brothers worse?

"But I know how much you all want to learn. And I can already see how much potential you all have." He continued with a soft smile. "So I was hoping that you could help me. I don't like that you and Leo got into a fight, or that he got hurt... But now I know that you know what it feels like to hurt someone that you love. And that it doesn't feel very good, does it?"

No... It felt horrible. He furrowed his brows, frowning before nodding a bit.

"So I think that means that I can trust you to help me with teaching them how to be careful and strong at the same time, and keep them safe. Do you think you could handle that, Red?"

Raphael swallowed hard, feeling this wet lump form in his throat. All the tears from before welled up in his eyes again-- even though he didn't wanna live in the floorboards anymore. His dad still trusted him that much? Even now, after he messed up really bad? He tried to tell his father 'yes,' but his lips were wobbling too much for his tongue to work right, so he just nodded as hard as he could instead. Yes-- He wanted more than anything to help protect his little brothers, no matter what. ‘Cause even when they made him so, so angry... he still loved them so, so much.

"I thought so." Dad laughed, kissing the top of his son's head before ruffling his hair lightly. "And I know we will not have any more fighting like this. And no more biting , Raphael. We have talked about this. If you want to bite something, I will get you something else that is for biting. But it cannot be people! Understood?"

Hiccuping a bit, Raphael nodded again. Somehow, he wasn't even upset to be scolded this time. And he knew that he had said he wouldn't bite people before, but this time he really meant it.

"Good boy. Now, I am going to go check on your brothers. Do you want to stay here a little bit longer, or do you want to come with me?"

Raph took a long, deep breath, swallowing the lump in his throat so that he could find his voice again.

"I wanna see my brothers."

"GET BACK HERE, LEO. DON'T MAKE ME COME AFTER YOU." He shouted, and was completely ignored. "Donnie--"

"Not involved." Donnie immediately replied, not looking up from his phone.

Raph groaned, trying to pick up the pace without taking out any bystanders, muttering repeated, "Pardon me's," and "'Scuse me's," as he went.

Leo really wasn't that far ahead of them-- He wouldn't completely ditch them, but he did get far enough ahead that he was already breaking into Candy Locker by the time Raph rounded the corner, his face set into a deep scowl.

"Leo. Don't you dare."

"Look! Untouched and beautiful as ever!"

"Leo, do not eat the candy ."

"Wow, and they have all our favorites, too..."

"They are at least eight years old! At a minimum , Leo!"

"Oh, pshhh. As if I haven't seen you wolf down two-week-old leftovers before." Leo scoffed.

"Remember that time he ate beef jerky out of the trash?" Not helping, Donnie.

"It was right on top! Practically untouched!" Raph protested. "And that's completely different! Plus, eight years is, like, twelve times longer than two weeks is!"

"That math is not correct..." Donnie mumbled under his breath.

"Chillax! I'm not gonna eat any of the candy." Leo said, holding his hands up in mock surrender.

Oh, thank god.

"I just wanna have one. To like... put on a shelf or something. I bet Donnie could make a little pedestal for it."

Dammit.

"One year." Raph said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Just one year. I just want us to leave Candy Locker in peace... for one year . It's a sacred space, Leo!"

"Mmmm..." Leo pursed his lips, placing a hand on his hip. "Yeah, I mean. I see what you're saying, but... I'm pretty sure no one is gonna miss, like, one Tootsie Pop."

"Stop messing with him, Leo." Donnie chided, cracking open a locker nearby, tossing his bag down and shucking off his jacket.

"Okay, okay. Fine. Because I'm an amazing brother, I will refrain from interacting any further with Candy Locker until after the meet." Leo declared, slapping the locker shut again with a flick of his wrist and a satisfying metallic clack. "But know this, Raphael. This isn't over."

Raphael scoffed, rolling his eyes, glaring at Leo as he yanked open his own locker. He loved his brothers dearly-- he did. But they were really lucky sometimes that he didn't just snap their necks.

---

At this point, Yoshi had a pretty good handle on these types of events, and he knew well enough how to navigate. He knew exactly which corner bounced cheers and shouts about the least, knew just where all the vents, pumping in warm air to prevent all the swimmers from freezing their butts off, were hidden, so they could be avoided, and knew the best seating arrangement that allowed for minimal soreness the following day. Metal bleachers weren’t exactly easy on your back, after all! Armed with years of experience, (plus his cellphone and earbuds for when events did not feature his sons and he got bored,) he was fully committed to making it through the meet and focusing for the entirety of it. Had he made any progress on the whole Hamato Ninpo thing? Well, no, not exactly. Which was. Ah. Worrisome. But, now was not the time for that!

He was quite excited to watch his three eldest sons kick ass and take names, as per usual.

He said 'hello' to a few of the other parents that he knew and made some polite small talk, settling down to watch the meet. Warm-ups were already done by the time he was all seated, and he could see his boys and the rest of their team from where they sat across the pool; audience members sat on one side, and competitors on the other. He watched them doing much of the same-- making conversation with each other and their teammates, checking their phones, and cheering whenever anyone they knew was in the water.

All in all, everything was fairly normal and expected. Yoshi still struggled a bit to keep himself focused, and not think too deeply about all the worries in his head, but it wasn't as bad as it had been lately... It had been nearly a week now with no further incidents, no questioning from his children, and no spooky prophecies or visions from his ancestors or anything like that. So he was beginning to wonder, or perhaps more accurately, hope that maybe it had just been a fluke. Just a one-off event rather than the beginning of anything trying. Maybe his family was fine, their identity and secrets were safe, and nothing further was going to occur to jeopardize that-- they could just continue to live in peace just as they had been.

He watched the twins get up from the bench for their next event, shedding their hoodies and towels in favor of goggles, only to get waved over by an official. The two wandered over and joined him and what appeared to be another parent. He couldn't hear what they were saying from where he was, but the conversation soon became animated-- Donnie's arms crossed over his chest, Leo talking wildly with his hands, and worry immediately began to blossom in his chest. He had just gotten to his feet, beginning to make his way over to the group when the discussion seemed to dissolve, his two sons walking away visibly upset. Yoshi met them halfway.

"What is going on?" He immediately questioned, his brows knit together, forming wrinkled creases in his skin. He could see Raphael straining to see from his side of the pool, a similar expression on his own face.

"Ugh. It's nothing." Leo huffed, a scowl set on his face, his hands on his hips. "Some Karen or whatever is just mad that we're gonna ruin her kid's record or whatever, so she talked the officials into drug testing us."

"Which is obviously a complete waste of time and resources," Donnie added in, rolling his eyes.

"She's just gonna embarrass herself when it comes back negative. As if we need any steroids to clean up shop." Leo declared, a small, sly grin growing on his face, offering out a hand to high-five his brother like, ‘Sick burn, right, Dee?'

His brother accepted, slapping his palm firmly. "Indeed."

Yoshi had broken out into a cold sweat, feeling as though his entire body had turned into stone, freezing him in place.

"O-oh. A drug test. Yes, how silly..." He mumbled, forcing a grin on his face. "How. Uh. How exactly... Does that work? Is it going to take long? I would hate for the, uh, the meet to be held up...!"

"No, they're just doing a rapid test." Donnie hummed. "Obviously it's going to be a smaller panel than they could achieve with a proper lab test, and not achieve quite as accurate or varied of a data set, but it should only take five minutes or so. I understand they're fetching the technician now, and then it should be as simple as collecting a urine sample to use. It can only reveal a 'negative' or 'positive' result rather than any more detailed variations or anything of the like, but of course, this isn't a concern for us, since we already know neither of us is using any drugs. It's actually a very fascinating process--"

Yoshi wasn't listening anymore, because all he could hear in his ears was his own voice screaming TURTLE PISS TURTLE PISS TURTLE PISS.

Logically, the test did not have the capacity to give such information. Donatello had just said that there were only two possible test results, positive or negative, and his purplest son usually knew what he was talking about regarding such things. So, reasonably, he knew it could not possibly come back ‘Mutant Turtle’. And rationally, he knew that his family had been under further scrutiny in the past and come out on the other side just fine. This did not ease his panic. It never did.

Insurance cards? Check. Paperwork? Check. All four children? Check. He went over his list for the fifth time in his head, glancing down at his kids, two on either side of him, as they approached the office. Right... Yes. He had everything he needed.

So why didn't he feel even the least bit prepared?

He had gone to such lengths to ensure the success of this plan. He had accounted for every document that would need to be forged, had crafted an elaborate story to explain his disappearance, and had paid dearly for the five bracelets that concealed his and his sons' mutant identities. He prepared for every possible threat to their new identities, and did everything he could to allow the success of their new lives.

It wasn't like he didn't account for this. He knew that it would be an obstacle, and he knew that it would be one that they would have to face. That didn't stop it from being terrifying.

The doctor.

Despite all the paperwork he had fabricated, he knew that they wouldn't be able to avoid going to the doctor forever. Even if he falsified records indicating his sons were up to date on absolutely everything and in perfect health, this would only buy them a year or two before they would be due for a visit, or risk being barred from enrollment in public school. And even if he somehow avoided this, too, what if one of his children got sick? Or injured? Was he to simply keep them at home and deny them medical care?

No, no. He wanted his kids to have a normal life. He wanted them to be able to do things like go to school and play in parks and make friends with other children... and have proper medical care when it was needed. He wanted them to be vaccinated, to be screened for problems, to have regular check-ups and be able to go to the hospital when they were hurt. He desperately wanted this.

But jesus christ, this was terrifying.

"Are you ready, boys?" He asked, glancing down at his children once more. He was trying to keep his voice level and his body language calm, but he could tell that his sons could sense his anxiety. His heart broke a little when four pairs of big, horrified eyes looked up at him and they shook their heads.

"Ah, where are my brave boys?" He questioned, nudging them ever so slightly, beginning the walk into the office. He held Mikey and Donnie's hands tightly so that they wouldn't be able to tell he was shaking. "Do not worry. I promise that Dr. Davis is very nice. Nothing bad will happen." He assured.

The boys didn't seem too convinced. He wasn't either, truthfully, but he marched them inside anyway.

It had been over a decade since he had last been inside a doctor's office, and even longer than that since he had been to a pediatrician. Yet somehow, it felt like nothing had really changed. Colorful wires with wooden beads strung on them stuck out from a brightly-painted table in the middle of the room, in sharp contrast to the faded burgundy chairs lined along the walls. Children's books and Highlight magazines covered every available surface, which Donnie immediately took to reading. There were a few other parents with their children as well, but the Hamatos were in no mood to socialize. After speaking to the woman at the front desk, Yoshi got to work filling out a literal stack of papers. He was so nervous, he messed up at least three different forms, and had to sheepishly request new copies.

And then they waited.

The longer they sat, the more the collective anxiety seemed to mount. Yoshi couldn't help the scenarios running through his mind over and over, each one ending with a doctor or nurse shrieking in horror and calling Animal Control--

"Dad."

Yoshi blinked back into reality, looking down at his youngest son, pulling at his sleeve with tears in his eyes.

"Dad, I wanna go home," Mikey whispered, leaning in close to him and sniffling a bit. "I don't wanna see the doctor."

Quite frankly, Yoshi was inclined to agree with his kid, to pick them all up and walk out right this very minute. But he suppressed the urge.

"I know, Mikey. I do not like seeing the doctor either." He admitted, scooping up the preschooler to hold in his lap. "But I promise... Dr. Davis is very nice, and, ah, I will not let them do anything bad to you... I am sure everything will be fine...!"

Before he could continue his, quite frankly, horrible pep talk, a nurse poked her head into the room from the back.

"The Hamatos?"

"Yo. Dad. You good?"

Yoshi paused for a moment before he returned properly back to the present day, glancing over at his sons and giving a nervous laugh, which then dissolved into a cough.

"Ah! Yes, of course! I am perfectly fine! Why wouldn't I be!" He wheezed, and his sons exchanged looks.

"Papa, honestly, it's fine. This will take ten minutes tops, and again, I assure you that neither Leo nor myself are engaging in any kind of recreational substances." Donnie said.

"Yeah! All we gotta do is piss in a cup." Leo added in. "And then we'll be all set. It's just annoying. Here, why don't you sit down, watch some Netflix or something-- I know you like Netflix-- and we'll be back in a bit, okay? Just chill."

"Right. Of course. I am... very chill." Yoshi insisted, even though he could feel his hands trembling a bit. Gah! Stupid traitor hands! Stop it!

"Surrreeee," Donnie said, taking him by the arm and slowly leading him back to the bleachers, sitting him down and patting his shoulder. "We'll be right back, alright? Nothing to worry about."

---

"Alright, you should be all set." Dr. Davis hummed pleasantly, offering a gentle smile to her latest anxious parent. "Everyone looks great! Healthy weights, nothing scary going on... We'll send you home with some literature and referral information for Donatello. I would recommend considering getting in contact with them if you can, especially since he's gonna be starting school soon, but beyond that everything looks fantastic."

"Yes-- thank you," Yoshi said, forcing a smile, shakily accepting the new stack of papers that the doctor handed over.

Nothing had gone wrong.

Well, a few things had gone wrong. Mikey and Raphael had both cried when they got their shots. Donnie had a small meltdown after being repeatedly touched by people he didn't like. And Leo had punched a nurse in the gut for upsetting his brothers.

But their bill of health came back clean. No mentions of turtles, mutations, cold-bloodedness, or reptilian features of any kind.

They made it through. They would be okay.

"... And we'll see you back in about five weeks for their next booster series, okay? Jacklyn up front can get you all scheduled!"

Yoshi pursed his lips slightly, his mouth suddenly feeling rather dry.

"... Ah. Yes. Of course."

---

The concept of buoyancy was built upon that of displacement; the idea that two different forms of matter could not occupy the same space. Archimedes once theorized that water, a liquid, would be pushed aside by a solid mass, but an object of an appropriate weight, density, or shape could ensure that the displaced weight of the water was greater than the total weight of the object, therefore ensuring it to float. This is, of course, connected to the concept of forces. Gravity is a downward force that acts upon all objects; when an object is placed in a fluid, that fluid must supply a force equal in magnitude but opposite in direction to the gravitational force for the object to float. Scientifically speaking, it was all a matter of density and mass, and every action that one took in the water, as well as every action that the water had in response, could be explained through a series of formulas and equations.

... In a non-scientific sense, however, water was safe and soft and inviting. Water would make room for you, no matter who you were or what you were doing. Once you got in, it would change itself to make exactly enough space for your body. Water was fluid and changing, soft and gentle when you moved softly, hard and firm when you moved harshly. In the water, the way you move changes. The way you see and hear changes. Perception itself shifts.

God, Donatello loved swimming.

Even just swimming laps was great, but a race only heightened the experience, engaging every bit of his body and mind and encouraging him to push. From the moment the buzzer went off and he dived from the starting block, ( push off with your legs, you're going for distance, not for height, hands together, smooth entry point, ) to the lap down, ( head down, no breathing except for when you absolutely need to, arms go back and glide over the water-- imagine your fingertips skimming just over the surface, no unnecessary movement, just enough for the maximum propulsion forward with minimal effort, ), the turn at the wall, ( watch the floor, see the blue tile end and the white begin-- you know the math, count it out, at five you duck, chin to your chest, arms together, kick off the wall and get as much air off that sucker as you can, ) and the sprint back, ( kick from your hips, not your knees, no reserving energy, it's just a fifty, this is a ‘dash,’ so dash -- )

Every second of it he was engaged, and every second of it he adored the experience. He didn't even slow down when he approached the wall, ramming into it at full speed and using his outstretched hands to stop himself and trigger the timer that stopped the clock. They didn't have to worry about slowing down. They wouldn't run into anything. Their own hands and the water would catch them.

Sucking in ragged breaths, he looked to his left, and then he looked to his right. Leo was right behind him, but as he glanced up at the display board on the wall to check his time, he grinned widely. He had more than a five-second lead over him. More than enough to qualify for Regionals-- not that he had been worried. Leo was well within the range as well, just as expected. The three of them always went to Regionals. And Donnie was quite pleased to note that the kid from Lane 4, the child, he and Leo had deduced, of the woman who demanded they be tested, was significantly behind the two of them. Sure, his time was good enough to qualify for Regionals, too...

But it wasn't anywhere near as good as theirs. Haha. Suck it.

One by one, all of the racers joined him at the end of the lane, bobbing about in the water and holding onto the pool edge or the lane lines, everyone out of breath and filled with adrenaline. He shook the hands of his two lane neighbors, congratulating both of them on a race well run, and once the referee blew his whistle, he clambered out of the water, hoisting himself up back onto dry land and moving to rejoin his twin.

"Killed it." Leo said, though breathlessly, ("if you're not struggling to breathe by the end of a race, you're not doing it right," their coach often said,) offering a fistbump, which Donnie reciprocated.

"As expected." He said, grinning wide as the two of them made their way back to the bleachers.

"Leo! Donnie! Nice!" Raph called as they approached, tossing them each a towel to wrap around themselves, each beginning to dry themselves off, peeling goggles and swim caps off their heads. "Good time! But, uh, what was with the--?"

"Some lady made us do a drug test," Leo explained, waving a hand as if to dismiss Raph's concerns. "It was dumb, we both passed, it's all good now. Just annoying."

"A drug test?! Seriously?!" Raph said, scoffing loudly. And admittedly, Raphala was no stranger to similar situations. Donnie recalled he had been accused of taking steroids or faking his age more than once in his various sporting exploits, but it typically wasn't taken as far as to actually test him. Donnie thought, vaguely, that he was almost surprised that Raph wasn't subject to the same treatment as he and Leo were today, but he supposed it did make at least a bit of sense. Raph was big-- he was tall and visibly muscular and powerful. People looked at him and expected him to excel in athletics.

He and Leo? Not so much. Leo was only 5'5", and he himself barely passed 5'3" without his boots, much to his annoyance. They were both lean and clearly athletically inclined, sure, but they were both much smaller and slimmer than their older brother was. People looked at them and were often surprised by their respective sporting resumes. Especially him.

"Yes, yes, it was an unfortunate waste of everyone's time." Donnie agreed. "But to no one's surprise, it came back completely spotless, and we were able to proceed without issue and completely destroy absolutely everyone, in your face Karen, thank you very much."

"Is that why Dad's been freaking out?" Raph asked after a moment, raising a brow. Donnie followed his eyes to steal a glance over at their father on the other side of the pool, looking much better than he had before they received their test results, (both he and Leo offering him thumbs up from across the way once they had been cleared, and watching him sag with relief,) but still seemed a bit shaky.

"Yeah," Leo said, wrinkling his nose. "I thought he was gonna pass out for a second there when we told him. He was sweating so much, it was disgusting."

"He doesn't seriously think you guys' would come back positive or anything, does he?" Raph scoffed, frowning a bit, and Leo shook his head.

"Nah, I don't think so. But you know how scared he is of doctors."

---

Dad always got like this whenever they had an appointment.

'This' meaning, of course, 'Visibly and overwhelmingly anxious and frightened, absolutely filled with dread and horror.'

They were all kind of used to it by now.

When they were little, it would sort of freak them out, because every time they had to go to the doctor, he had to come with them, and he'd be in a state of near-panic the whole time. And if Dad was freaking out, then they should probably be freaking out too, right? Looking back, Leo recognized that he was always trying to hide it, but quite frankly, he did a pretty shit job at it. Now that they had gotten a bit older, however, collectively exiting elementary school years to enter junior high, they more-or-less recognized that Dad's doctor-induced panic was really more of a personal thing, and not necessarily something that they needed to worry about themselves. Leo still didn't really like the doctor, and he kind of doubted he ever would, but he wouldn't really categorize himself as 'afraid' any longer.

Their Dad? Not so much.

The four of them had been long aware of the little note on the calendar in the kitchen, the sacred piece of literature that controlled all their lives, dictating that at four o'clock on this date, their dear father would be summoned to the doctor's office. And they knew that, of course, like he did every time, he would totally freak out. And, just as predicted, he had been an anxious mess all day, pacing around the house, mumbling nonsense to himself, (something about them being ‘onto him’ and ‘rat blood’ and other completely meaningless jibber-jabber.)

But this time, they had a plan. They absolutely could not continue to watch him like this. Everyone was in place. Leo looked across the living room, nodding to Raph. Raph glanced at Donnie, who checked his watch, and likewise nodded an affirmative. Mikey put down his sketchbook, getting to his feet, and the four of them, following his cue, fell into step with each other and filed into the kitchen.

Mission: Save Daddy From the Horrors was a go.

"Hey Dad," Mikey began, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and leaning into him slightly. Raph, at the same time, got to work preparing a pot of tea-- Donnie fetched the cream, Leo was on sugar duty. "So, we were thinking. Maybe we could come with you this afternoon?"

Their father startled slightly, immediately moving to glare at Mikey with suspicious eyes. "What?! Come with me? Why would you want to come with me to a doctor's appointment?"

"Well, we were just thinking, it might be a nice, uh... family outing!" Raphael offered with a shrug, chuckling nervously and looking to the side. "And maybe we could, I dunno, get frozen yogurt on the way back?"

"And we could watch that game show you like on the way over. With the mystery shrimp?" Donnie suggested.

"Plus, I mean, I've been meaning to get some acting tips from you? Not that I need them, obviously, but..." Leo added, placing a cup into his father's hands as he narrowed his eyes.

"... You boys are... up to something..." Dad mumbled, looking between the four of them with a slight frown.

"Up to something? No! Of course not!" Raph insisted, and Mikey placed a hand on their father's shoulder.

"We just want to spend more quality time with you! As a family! Don't you want to spend time with us, your loving sons?" He questioned, batting his eyes. "Plus, we can get frozen yogurt! We know how much you love frozen yogurt, right?"

"Yeah, what they said," Donnie said.

"Pleaseeeee?" Leo went in for the kill, offering a dramatic pout, poking his lower lip out as far as it could possibly go. Mikey joined in shortly, combining their powers to reach near-dangerous levels of puppy-dog-eyes.

"... I suppose... If you really would like to..."

Score. They were in. Goal: minimize anxiety and get their dad home from the doctor's office in one piece for a change. And if they got some frozen yogurt in the process? What was the harm in that? As far as Leo was concerned, so long as they could manage to get their Dad through this appointment without totally freaking out, that'd be a win. And, if things went well, it would be that much easier to convince him to allow them to accompany him to future appointments, too.

---

The rest of the swim meet went about as expected. Donnie easily got the best times in every event he participated in, and all three of them, plus a couple of their teammates, made it into the upcoming Regionals. Trophies and ribbons were given out in the end, which they had all immediately passed on to their father, ‘cause he was more excited about them than they were and would surely figure out a way to find space for at least some of them at home. Raph physically wrestled an ancient Twix bar out of Leo's hands, and once his little brother finally cried for mercy and swore to leave Candy Locker alone for the remainder of the trip, he unpinned him from the ground and allowed him to get back up. Normal stuff.

It wasn't until the train ride home that things got kind of weird.

About fifteen minutes in Leo started giving him these looks. Looks that said, ' go on, say something.' So Raph started giving Leo ' no, you say something ' looks. After some back and forth, they both tried to give Donnie looks, but Donnie completely ignored them in every sense of the word, pointedly refusing to look up from his phone as he discussed the process of coding artificial intelligence to their dad, who clearly didn't understand anything they were saying, but to his credit, was doing his best to nod along.

After losing a silent game of rock-paper-scissors played at knee-level, just outside of their father's field of vision, Raph cleared his throat, leaning over slightly.

"Sooo, Pops... You been... sleeping okay?"

"Hm? Oh, yes! You know I am always out like a light after my before-bed snack!" Dad replied easily with a chuckle, and Raph frowned, ‘cause he could tell just by looking at him that that was a lie.

"Uh-huh. Right." Leo scoffed, not buying it. "That's crazy. Because, no offense, but you look kind of like garbage. And like you haven't so much as touched a pillow in, like... ever."

This immediately earned him a smack to his forehead.

"Garbage?! I will have you know that I was voted Hollywood's ‘Sexiest Action Film Star’ five years in a row! No respect!"

Leo whined loudly, rubbing his forehead and mumbling "ew," under his breath, but Raph knew it was all for show. Dad's infamous ‘Karate Chops’ never actually hurt. Though it could be that Leo was more hurting from the psychological damage of hearing their father refer to himself as ‘sexy’ than anything else...

"I concur-- ew. And as fascinating as this factoid that you've cursed us with is, father, it doesn't really address the fact that you've clearly not been sleeping." Donnie remarked, still not looking up from his phone screen. Raph knew he was listening, though. He wasn't typing, no video was playing. He was fully engaged with the conversation. Just needed his barrier.

"Yeah, if anyone is qualified to identify an insomniac, it's me!" Leo added in.

"What we're trying to say is," Raph jumped in, hands held out and a nervous smile on his face, "Is just, uh. That we're a little worried about you, Pops. I mean. You've seemed kind of, uh, out of it... since..."

"Since that thing with Mikey." Leo helpfully supplied, crossing his arms over his chest.

Raph noted the slight twitch in his Dad's left eye.

"What thing with Mikey?" Dad feigned.

"Uh, the thing where he started a fire in his room? That thing? Ringing any bells?" Leo pressed, with a tone and a look that said 'yeah, nice try.'

"Oh, yes. That." Their dad said, waving a hand dismissively. "We have already discussed this, boys. The important thing is that Mikey was not hurt, and Purple, I know you are upset because you are not allowed to start fires anymore--"

"It's not about Mikey, Dad," Raph interjected. "It's about you! You've just... you've been acting... weird! And it's been nearly a week now! And-- and if something's goin' on, we wanna know!"

"Nothing is going on." Their father immediately denied. "I already told you all. That was simply a freak accident, and it is not anything worth worrying about. I am fine! It is nothing you need to concern yourselves with."

"Dad, come on. There's obviously something bothering you!" Raph pushed a little harder, despite the anxiety bubbling up in his stomach, feeling like a soda can in a washing machine. "We just wanna help. Come on, don't you trust us--"

"Enough." This time it was Dad who interrupted, his voice harder now, firm and definite. Raph flinched slightly. "I already said it is none of your concern. I am fine. I am perfectly capable of handling this, and I do not want any of you involved!"

Raph opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but was surprised to find that there were no words. So he closed it again. He glanced over at Leo and Donnie, but they had about the same expressions on their faces as him.

"Please, Red." He heard the sigh in his father's voice, and he sounded softer now, tired even, and placed a hand on Raph’s shoulder. Raph glanced downwards, his eyes following all the knobs in his father’s fingers, the wrinkles in his knuckles. He didn't want to look at his face, because he knew that if he did, he would see him as an elderly man rather than Dad. He hated it when that happened, when he fell into that headspace... Just seeing people as people, just looking at them for exactly what they were, with all the familiarity and memories stripped away from them. "Just let me take care of this. I have everything under control."

Raph frowned a bit, not entirely sure if he believed him.

"We have a good life, Raphael. I need you to let me keep it that way." He said. "And to trust me enough not to get involved. Please."

He didn't look at Leo or Donnie this time. Something in his gut was screaming at him that this wasn't the move. The words Dad was picking here felt... off. But the way his voice sounded... He swallowed thickly, and then slowly nodded.

"Yeah. Okay, Dad. We trust you."

Far beneath the city, below the concrete, below the subways, below even the sewers, the world eventually became city again-- Hidden below the oblivious humans above. At the edge of this city, a small vine grew from the soil, slow and silent, just at the seam of a brick wall. Ever-so-carefully, the vine grew and expanded, pushing itself upward, dark and veiled in violet veins.

The vine pressed itself up against the stone wall, curling unnaturally upward, and a bit of stone cracked in response, falling away to the soil below.

The vine pushed further.

[ next ]

#sorrywhatnowau #sorrywhatnowaufic #fanfic #rottmnt #tmnt #rottmnt fanfic #rottmnt human au #tmnt human au #rise raph #rottmnt raph #turtle tots #fidgetwing

240 notes · View notes

borom1r · 1 month

Note

WEIRD fuckin ask but we talked about it once and it would not exit the brain. Flavours of neurodivergence within the fellowship: discuss?

OGH. no, good ask. good ask I love it. AUTISM FLAVORED bc that is my own experience :3

Aragorn— autism of the “I Am 100% A Changeling, I Have No Idea How To Relate To Humanity” variety. like yea being partly raised by elves didn’t help but he absolutely wandered around mimicking people to learn how to Behave Like A Person. autism trait absorption for the win!! comes to Minas Tirith and gets a painful crash course in masking, but never quite figured out how to Not stare at someone like a feral cat when he wants something from them (despite the Stare, HATES eye contact)

Boromir— OPPOSITE AUTISM. very direct. EXTREMELY rigid routines. military history special interest (literally just undiagnosed dad autism). probably has food sensitivities but he’s spent so long as a soldier he can just eat anything now. he hates it and he won’t eat a big portion of non-safe foods, but at least he can swallow them. he IS absolutely 100% undiagnosed and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong but if he doesn’t get to perfectly make his bed every morning he will be in a Noticeably Bad Mood for the rest of the day < does not understand that this isn’t normal

Gandalf— oh there’s definitely something going on there, but good luck with figuring THAT out

Legolas— AuDHD king. the autism/ADHD comorbidity is real and he barely bothers to mask. least of all in front of men?? he’s an elf prince and you expect him to act “normal” by human standards? I love how jacked up the Hobbit film timeline is bc Thranduil implying to Legolas “yeah go hang out in Rivendell with a ten year old” is SO funny. canon to me tho. there was a very significant chunk of time where Aragorn was just Mini Legolas. hell world for civilized Rivendell elves. unlike Aragorn, however, prefers very direct eye contact. WILL fully hit you with the 👁️👁️ almost unblinking for a whole conversation

Gimli— I’m gonna be real here. I think neurotypical but in the sense of like. literally nobody cares. dwarves are craftsmen, artisans, smiths, you think they’re going to risk squandering talent simply because somebody needs some accommodations? are you nuts???? like yea maybe somebody’s a Little Weird Sometimes but they can work the forge just fine or tool leather for straps/handle wraps, or draft designs, or stamp metal for decorations, like?? doesn’t particularly grasp the need for labels when you can just work with ppl to figure out what’s best for them + then everyone’s happy. fully has to stew on the fact that Men Don’t Do That, men are actually very rigid about what is socially acceptable and won’t provide accommodations Unless there is a label. wild.

Frodo— autism/depression hell combination. no meltdowns, only shutdowns. auditory processing disorder!! definitely also has poor temperature regulation (CONSTANTLY cold). hey did u know that’s a symptom of ASD? crazy. WILD. anyways. Sam knows he can barely handle the feeling of mittens/gloves so half the time when they’re hanging out is Sam just holding Frodo’s hands so they actually fucking warm up for a bit. not too rigid about Big routines, most of his are Little (always putting a specific amount of sugar in his tea, for example)

Sam— neurotypical but in the sense of my dad where he was just SO used to me being Autistically Strange that he was just like. “well, that’s Strider!” < blissfully unaware. fully just SO used to whatever’s going on w/ Frodo+Merry that it’s Normal to him. like wdym they’re different?? those are just his friends?? hello??

Merry— ADHDDDDDDDDD. and look ik Tolkien said pipeweed is just tobacco but that’s a lie and we all know it, right? right. self-medicating with pipeweed.

Pippin— neurotypical but Pippin-flavored

5 notes · View notes

galactic-pirates · 7 months

Text

Something I don’t see talked about (and yes I know that’s a loaded opening sentence but I have feelings so I’m going to ramble) is how it feels to come to art late.

Like people throw out examples like George Clooney being 40 or something? Or Samuel L Jackson, or you know there are many, of people who came into something older and then were fantastic at it. It’s like a “it’s never too late” reassurance and ok cool, cool, but that doesn’t really help.

I didn’t draw as a kid. I hated art class at school because they didn’t teach. I wouldn’t know how to get the effect I wanted and given no guidance (but plenty of “that’s not what I wanted” criticism). If I found a workaround it was wrong. Like I spent a ridiculous amount of time drawing a model train once by measuring every single line. Best drawing I did as a kid but my teacher told me I was never to do that again as I should spend no more than an hour on the homework.

Part of this was probably being undiagnosed autistic. I need structure and rules and I need to understand. I can’t just experiment how I probably should. So I internalised the “I am not artistic, I have no artistic flair” and I didn’t doodle or decorate. I would be envious of the other kids who did. My notes always looked so boring. We didn’t do art at home. Mum always tells the story of how she was excluded from art class at school for “being a waste of public resources” and so is adamant she can’t draw.

For some reason at 19 I decided I wanted to draw. But again with an undiagnosed autistic need for things to be “right” and obviously any lines I made were ‘wrong’, plus the computer was where I sought answers I fell very quickly into tracing photographs. That was a huge mistake because it taught me nothing and only made it worse if I tried to draw without the crutch - as obviously that was much much worse in comparison.

You see I didn’t have the willingness to draw something awful that little kids have (because to them it isn’t awful) and I judged myself so so harshly. I wanted to draw what I imagined and I found workarounds, like modelling programs to make my own pose references, or smushing multiple references together - I still do this and I absolutely hate it. It doesn’t help but it’s like that bandaid trying to hold a water leak back - it’s better than what I can do without it, so I keep going back for fan events etc. as I feel if I’m gifting someone something it needs to be the best I can do (and merlin knows I am deeply ashamed of what I have posted for past exchanges, 30+ hours or not of effort it was baaaad).

A few years ago I decided enough was enough and I needed to “go back to basics” and get away from the computer. I have got a ridiculous number of courses from places like Udemy/Domestika and enough art supplies to open a small store. I talk a good game - I can sound like I know - but my hand does not.

The problem with the YouTube videos or the courses is these people are skilled - obviously, I mean that’s the point - but sometimes they will show their “old art” from when they were 13 or something and it’s better than what I can do now, or maybe at 9 or something it was about the same but that’s 9 - I’m going to be 34 this year.

I’m still that kid that wants to be told what steps to take. I am still flailing and I still don’t know how best to move forward. Worse I am not a kid and so I feel ashamed I guess. And I’m also alone because there is no actual person I can talk to. I have looked into in person art classes but there’s nothing suitable. I need to find a path forward.

But to circle back to “coming into art late”. I’m 33 and surrounded by so much inspiration (I see art and I so desperately want to be able to make something half that good). But that’s a curated thing because people only post their good stuff (obviously) and so I don’t want to post my shitty stuff so I can’t engage with “art tumblr” or whatever, and I’ve never been good at engaging anyway. I have always felt like an outsider in every community I have tried to join. Plus with fucking AI I don’t want to post my stuff online (although it’s so bad if it did get scraped it would probably act like poison).

So yeah basically flailing and lonely.

It’s deeply demoralising and frustrating. I have never put in the practice time that I should have but that is more to do with my chronic mental health issues than anything - but that then compounds the age problem as I am not 19 any longer. It has been getting on for 15 years - actually I hate putting it like that because then I have to see that I have been wanting to draw for nearly half my life and I have still not managed it. I am still flailing around near the starting line.

Anyway yeah I just feel like nobody talks about being older, and still being shitty at things, and how damn lonely and scary that is. I get majorly stressed out everytime I try and do “serious learning” as I guess it’ll take time and I will be shitty for a lot longer. Maybe there’s also a point here about adulthood and immediate gratification I don’t know. I just know I wish for the impossible to be able to be the child I never was I guess, to start art when people are supposed to - as a kid - and get this stage done and so I can be better. Is that just me wanting to skip the work? Maybe I don’t know.

It’s as I said - I have feelings.

#Sam talks art

4 notes · View notes

daddy-rito · 11 months

Text

Violet Undertones 2 (Abigail x OC)

『　°this feeling gets old, and so do your eyes。』

fandom: stardew valley contains: m!farmer, autistic farmer, hybrid (half-demon) farmer, some mentions of in-game relationships that are semi-spoilers [previous] [next]

Friday, was it? Would Mick even have the time for that? Oh, well. Gonna have to meet everyone sooner or later, I guess. I hope I didn’t come off as weird.

Even with a full night's rest, another day went by with something in Mick’s body hurting. His head pounded during the entire trip to the general store, and he was lucky to get more than a few words out talking to that purple-haired girl. At least it wasn’t Joja Mart. The 60 hertz buzz from the lights rubbing his ears the wrong way, the cool dry air that always chilled him a little too much even though he liked cold weather—one thing after the other just piled onto him, scattered his thoughts, and messed with his senses more and more until they pushed him to the edge of vomiting. He didn’t want any part of it. He couldn’t take his mind off of the purple-haired girl—Abigail was her name, wasn’t it?—but not in any sort of good way. She was the one that decided to approach him? Whenever someone did that to Mick, they never had good intentions. And that pep in her voice. Something about it drew Mick to it like a moth to a flame, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that she had some sort of hidden intentions from it. Why did he even think that in the first place? He was supposed to turn over a new leaf with Pops’ farm. Why would anyone even think to do that when he’s yet to even introduce himself? Why did he always have so many questions about the world around him? He couldn’t ask anymore questions. He needed to answer them. ... The Stardrop Saloon. Mick just had to tell that girl he’d meet her there that Friday. He hated most social gatherings for as long as he could remember. Always too loud. Always too much going on. His old coworkers knew this. They’d always ask him why he tagged along with them for things like casual meetups, and Mick would always shrug their questions off. Deep down, he didn’t know either. Fear of missing out, wanting not to feel alone, wanting to get out of his comfort zone even though he hated it, maybe even watching the chaos melt itself into an odd serenity—whatever it was, he couldn’t get himself to stop.

Opening the door, the saloon seemed a lot quieter than the bars Mick was used to in the city. Most of his initial fears managed to dissipate, although he still kept his guard up. At least this place was a lot less likely to overwhelm him. Of course, it had the usual trademarks of a place people visited to drink, only this time Mick could put names on its patrons. Looking to his right, he noticed the girl, perched on a couch next to a billiards table with what seemed to be her two friends, both of them guys. One of them was blonde with a poofy mullet, donning a denim jacket and band shirt of a band Mick actually liked, all while brimming with energy. The other, a bit pale, a lot more spacey, and opting for a simple hoodie. Amid the commotion of the saloon, Mick could make out a conversation the two seemed to be having over a game of 8-ball: “You think he’s into music?”

“We’ve been over this before, Sam. Not everyone you meet’s gonna be into music.”

“And what if he does? It’d be so fuckin’ cool. I’m gonna—” “No, Sam, no inviting him into the band. Not unless he wants to.”

Mick’s heart jumped ever so slightly at hearing that, but he needed to save his excitement for now. They could be talking about someone else, for all he knew. He at least needed to get his head adjusted to this place first so that he didn’t come off as—

“Hey, Mick! Over here!”

Shit. She noticed me already? He sauntered over to where the girl was, trying his damndest not to come off as an awkward mess. Don’t fidget too much. Maintain eye contact. You know the drill by now. “Abigail, was it? I’m so sorry, I’m not that good with names.”

Abigail didn’t seem to care, giving him a nod. “Yup, that’s me. Come have a seat, you gotta tell me about how the farm’s going.”

“Well, shit, what is there to talk about?” Good. Something that wasn’t small talk. Mick could work with that, popping a few coins into a nearby vending machine to get a soda and plopping himself down on the couch. “There isn’t much to write home about aside from clearing all the trees and brush."

Abigail allowed herself a smirk. "I probably should've expected as much. From what I hear, your grandpa left that abandoned for who knows how long..."

That voice.

Her voice.

It was doing it again.

Drawing him in.

Dropping his guard.

Making him forget about the rest of the world.

Talking had helped Mick clear his nerves for the next few minutes, which made things easier when Abigail decided to shift the conversation. “...although part of me is gonna miss just wandering around in those fields by myself. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention, have you said hi to Sam and Seb yet?—”

Before Abigail could finish her sentence, the blonde dude launched himself and crashed onto the couch between her and Mick, beaming his focus onto the latter. “How exactly can you just pass by people like us and not say so much as hello? You can call me Sam, Sammy, whatever you want, and that lanky brooding guy who just whooped my ass at pool is Sebastian.” Mick could instantly feel himself feeding off of Sam’s energy, unable to stop himself from plastering a smile on his face. “Why don’t you go play a round with him? Maybe someone here could actually beat him.”

Mick couldn’t help but chuckle. "Nah, man, I—"

"C'mon, why not? Got anything better to do on a Friday night?" Mick couldn't deny the energy Sam gave him forever. Letting out a chuckle, he set his soda down to help Sebastian set up another game of 8-ball. For the first time in a while, a place as hectic as a bar didn’t overwhelm him, and told him a lot of how his time in the valley was going to be.

Maybe things weren’t gonna be so bad.

... A/N: am i gonna make the part titles deftones references? perhaps. anyway school + writer's block has been a bruh moment so updates aren't gonna be as frequent as i'd like them to.

idk if i made mick's autism clear enough with his sensory issues and roadblocks with talking to other people, so if any fellow nd folk can help me, that'd be much appreciated.

hope y'all enjoy, and here's to hoping i'll get part 3 out sometime soon!

[previous] [next]

#stardew valley #sdv #sdv farmer #sdv fanfic #sdv fandom #sdv abigail #sdv sam #sdv sebastian #stardew valley sebastian #sdv ocs #stardew oc #sdv oc #stardew valley oc

5 notes · View notes

thistransient · 1 year

Text

- So I went to the Taiwanese trial class with my friend. It was taught by a little old lady who was nice enough but gave me some mild flashbacks to those harrowing weeks with the Mandarin teacher of a similar age. Most of the session was her explaining the history of 台語 in Taiwan, with a side of trying to force the 8 tones and counting from 1 to 10 upon us via rote memorization. I felt a bit frustrated and not entirely thrilled, my friend was miffed that the school hadn’t explained the price they quoted was for the trial class only. We’ve decided to give it a pass and try a different school, although our scheduled trial there is on hold on account of the teacher falling ill. In the meantime my friend has begun to contemplate taking group Japanese class instead (as his partner and her kid are Japanese), which is much more widely available. I am tempted. Do I need to start half-assedly learning yet another language? Probably not. Do I want to divert my energy from Mandarin to whole-assedly learn Japanese? Also not really. Is there a high chance of following through nonetheless? At least I’m self-aware about it...

- Job applications here largely require a photo, and I need a haircut but I’m afraid to go back to the place I went in August for the big chop. The guy started cutting it while wet, then broke out the blow-dryer and kept snipping til he was satisfied, but because my hair is curly and I do not own styling product more complicated than a comb, it reverted immediately to a vague dandelion shape and took several months to actually resemble the reference photo I’d provided. The thought keeps crossing my mind to simply shave my head entirely. I had it buzzed to a 3 some ten years ago after a dye-job gone wrong and did not enjoy my appearance. Of course I look different now, and hair grows back, but the struggle between wanting the catharsis and radical change (not to mention less mess in the shower drain strainer) of a head-shave, and fearing the hassle of growing it all back out if I do truly detest it is raging inside of me.

- After coming back from Korea I may have spent one whole day languishing in bed and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter as a meal before slowly reconvening daily activities. I have been meeting some friends and going out, but I end up needing one day of hermit-like recovery for every outdoor social endeavour. I have yet to implement any kind of proper schedule (beyond “try to eat three meals and go outside at least once”), leading my friends to recommend I start by contemplating my greater, overarching goals for life. Every few years I come round to the notion of attempting a STEM degree (which would require redoing undergrad, but, as they say, “the time will pass anyways”). I think it would be really engaging to do a program taught in Chinese, and possibly motivate me to overcome my deficiencies in the math department, which is what always puts me off the whole scheme. Scientific terms are so much simpler in Mandarin because they’re extremely 顧名思義 (just as the name implies); English really shot itself in the foot with all the Greek and Latin. I don’t even need to check the dictionary to figure out 光合 means ‘photosynthesis’... Will I actually follow through with this, and live out my days happily studying trees and avoiding small talk with humans, or will I continue to trundle through life intermittently trying to teach English between bouts of autistic burnout? When I put it that way, the answer seems obvious, but this is without factoring in all the bugs that live in trees... Also wasn’t I trying to convince myself to go to grad school for what, translation? linguistics? library science? something? just a few months ago? Maybe overarching life goals are a red herring at present, and I should just get a job first and then see what kind of things I’m interested in when I have consistent disposable income to pursue them at length.

- I am, at the ripe old age of my mid-30s (I’m rounding up since my birthday is next month- again, so soon??) being forced to reconsider what it means to like someone. Perhaps on account of being socially inept and spending all of my formative years in Catholic school, I took for granted that it was that painful, infatuated pining one feels for attractive strangers or casual acquaintances who generally don’t reciprocate. In the past couple years I began to experience the strange phenomenon of having great affection for friends I’d gotten to know slowly and who became increasingly physically appealing as time wore on, but I wrote this off as Mystery Emotion X because it lacked that frantic obsession I was accustomed to. Now I suspect this may simply be a healthy manifestation of romantic attraction. I’ve often struggled with exactly what identity label the intersection of my gender, attraction pattern, and neurodivergency might land me under. I think the plot is thickening... but I will put off pursuing further clarity by going to the BDSM bar instead.

#i should probably figure something out jobwise before my 90 days are up #i actually did buy an exit flight to show the inbound airline as i was leaving korea #which they checked in detail and i was sweating bullets BECAUSE #i actually bought the flight for the wrong day on accident and just manually edited the date before i printed the itinerary #it was one of those super cheap sale flights that probably does not allow amending #but who knows maybe as the date approaches i'll feel the urge to see what goes on in Manila at 4 AM

12 notes · View notes

thelightofthingshopedfor · 2 years

Text

actually I’m moving this to a new post because fuck it

okay so I finally looked at the reply, and

Even though there is no good way to prepare for a neuropsychological evaluation, other than to get a good night sleep and avoid feeling hungry, it is not unusual to feel as though you could have done something more. In regards to the self-assessment tests you took on-line, research has demonstrated that some of them result in high false positive rates, which decreases the validity of the results (Sara Jones, Maria Johnson, et al Autism Research and Treatment; Bram Sizoo, EH Horowitz, et al Autism journal). Other psychiatric diagnoses besides autism can result in elevated scores on these self-tests. Neurocognitive discrepancies and deficiencies frequently associated with autism were not part of your pattern of test results. As I mentioned in the report you have symptoms consistent with autism but there isnt enough to reach the severity of an autism diagnosis. The results in my opinion are more accurately described by social anxiety, ADHD, and a persistent anxious mood disturbance. I appreciate your desire to better understand yourself and the test results and hope you are also able to discuss these questions with your therapist as well.

a) maybe I’m overly sensitive (...fine, I’m almost certain I’m overly sensitive) but this feels patronizing b) part of my entire point in sending self-test results and discussing additional things that didn’t come up in the interview was to point out, hey, I have potentially new information that didn’t come up in the interview so maybe the evaluation should be reconsidered, at least a little bit, in light of that new information? and this basically sounds like “no, I’ve already decided your social difficulties are based on anxiety and new information doesn’t affect that because the cognitive tests don’t indicate autism.”

in some ways, I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t find this upsetting because it’s not like they came back saying I’m neurotypical, they did confirm the ADHD so that’s something, especially because it's been pretty destabilizing the way my prescriber has always been kind of half-hearted about it (”yeah you fit the criteria but also it’s not a severe case, everybody forgets things sometimes, hmm wait you’re not responding to stimulant meds so maybe it’s not ADHD after all and I should change my diagnosis, idk”). and since there’s so much symptom overlap between ADHD, anxiety, and autism, maybe it shouldn’t matter that I only have a diagnosis for two of the three.

but it feels like--if it’s social anxiety, it’s on me to fix it. I have to work on it, and expose myself more, and put myself out there, and do exhausting shit that kind of makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and maybe if I work hard enough and burn myself out learning every social cue ever, I’ll eventually stop fucking up and manage to be normal, and maybe friends will stop ghosting me. I’m sure the healthier way to look at that is that it’s fixable and I should feel empowered to do something about it, but I don’t, I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed because I’m being asked to do something I don’t have the energy to do.

if I’m autistic, I’m...never going to be normal. I have to mask in certain settings, but the healthiest thing is to not mask as much as possible, to try to be authentic, whatever that ends up meaning. That’s...not necessarily good, because as I understand it a lot of people only like the mask, but at least that might mean it’s not my fault that people keep ghosting me, you know?

I don’t know, I’m probably looking at this all wrong because I just do that, because at this point my brain is so fucking rewired by depression I don’t know how to fix that either, but it feels like if it’s all social anxiety, any problems I have are my fault unless I put in the effort to fake everything, using energy I don’t have...whereas if I’m autistic, at least then maybe it’s not my fault, maybe I’m not already automatically wrong because it’s just how I am.

oh. and I did cancel my appointment with my prescriber. but I for sure do need to reschedule that one, because unlike my therapist I have her assistant actually calling back to arrange rescheduling something, plus you know I need to keep having appointments to keep refilling my prescriptions. only I still don’t want to. and I don’t really want to reschedule with my therapist either. probably I need to find a new therapist but just the thought of starting that process also makes me want to cry, so that’s not super great either

#brains behaving badly #autism #actually adhd

18 notes · View notes

rucow · 1 year

Text

ok here's my interpretation of the phantom, specifically female phantom bc im a lesbian and i crave more women characters in fiction who have actual depth and are a bit unhinged :'D

(please keep in mind that i haven't read the book yet and that my way of seeing her is based mostly on my own imagination and also me projecting very hard on her😭)

putting this under a read more bc its Long long

first, here is my art of fem!phantom ! and one more art of her

to begin, i headcanon the phantom to be named erica with a c, like the flower that grows in harsh conditions and that's very enduring and requires little water to thrive. i think it suits her! please look up "erica flower" and see for yourself :)

i think 35 is a good age for her, the same age as how long the broadway poto has been running for before closing :')

let's talk about her early life. she was born to a loving mother somewhere in eastern europe (modern day romania perhaps 👉👈), and her appearance was indeed unique but not disfigured. she was born with a birth mark of sorts that affected half of her face and her hair as well, causing strands of her black hair to lack pigment and appear as white (im thinking maybe vitiligo? idk exactly but the point is she looked Unique). she has grey eyes. besides that, as an infant she had a very quiet and calm personality as well, not really crying loudly like most babies do and often staring deeply at people, appearing "creepy" to them. (hint: she was just autistic)

erica's mother loved her. she thought these traits made her special and beautiful, not strange or unsettling. her mother would sing to little erica every day and night, but thats something erica doesn't remember, because her mother died far too soon (i like to keep the cause of death vague) and so little infant erica ended up in an orphanage.

now, the caretakers in the orphanage saw these unique traits of hers differently than her mother did. where erica's mother saw beauty and something special, these people saw Evil and Wrong. they thought they could pray away erica's "affliction" and "cure" her, both her appearance and her quiet reserved odd personality.

she was only about one year old when one of the orphanage caretakers tried a new way of "curing" erica via pouring acid on her little face. the acid dripped onto her neck as well. erica doesn't know this is what caused her scarring. as far as she knows, she has always looked the way she does. she thinks she was born this way, that she was doomed in some way, and sadly she will never know the truth: that this was Done to her

erica spent her first years of life in bandages and healing. even after she had healed, the orphanage caretakers kept her bandages on because they didn't like to See her. they didn't want to acknowledge what they'd done, so they kept her hidden and covered up and pretended her skin would be fine under the bandages.

(this is based on the 2004 film) the travelling fair. members would occasionally visit orphanages and other institutions while pretending to be interested in adopting, when in reality they were interested only in finding children they could exploit. when they saw little erica, who was still only a few years old, they knew they could make money off of her. the orphanage's caretakers were most relieved to be rid of her.

and then we all know what happened, and how a young madame giry took young erica and brought her to the opera and kept her safe and hidden. but erica was deeply traumatised and acted purely on instinct, she was completely nonverbal and nonresponsive. to this day, erica and madame giry still don't speak; their agreements are speechless and they both prefer it that way. erica is very uncomfortable acknowledging her past, so she secretly appreciates madame giry for not prying despite the fact that she witnessed little erica Murdering a whole grown man (again, she acted purely on instinct, she was protecting herself)

the opera was all she's ever known, and she has watched singers and managers and dancers come and go, while she remained. art and drama are all she's ever known. she's never felt the breeze in her hair or the sun on her face. she has access to the opera's roof, but she only goes there at nighttime when she can't be seen, and only on extremely rare occasions. art is her only escape and her only outlet. she doesn't just create music, she also paints, and she can sculpt if she has the materials for it. she creates any and all art

erica is incredibly smart as well, and has a vast knowledge on many topics despite lacking any form of education. she learned to read by watching the operas, because sometimes there would be signs and written words on the props. she paid close attention to any and all information she could get, and there were a lot of old things stored down there beneath the opera house that helped her learn and discover new things. but even so, her knowledge of the real world is incredibly limited. she has no idea what the sea sounds like, or what mountain air smells like

having so little to do, she focused her attention on the operas and on studying them, seeing what could be improved and thinking of how to make them come to life. she found most of the singers and dancers lacking, she felt no one really understood the passion required to make a performance feel alive. but that is probably because the performances were just a job to most of those people, while for erica it was her entire lifestyle. at the end of the day, the performers and managers and whatnot would go home to their families and see to their lives, while erica can never leave the opera house. she's fixated on every aspect of it, from the music to the choreography to the management... she constantly sees things that could be improved, and that leads me to my next point.

she started disguising as the phantom in order to help bring her vision to life, by communicating what she wants changed in the operas. of course, her social skills are lacking, so she puts on an act when interacting with anyone, and she doesn't let herself be seen. acting is the only way she knows how to approach another human, so adopting the role of a phantom wasn't hard for her. its easier to be the villain than to be herself. she is, in both literal and autistic terms, masking. she also sees how women are treated, and how they're not taken as seriously as men, so she dresses herself as a man and uses her naturally deeper and lower voice to seem as one. she's also very tall, which really helps on the rare occasion that she's spotted, though it's usually only her shadow that gets seen

now, christine. erica pretending to be christine's father/angel. again, she did this because its easier for her to play a role than to be herself. she knows that no one would accept her for her true self. she doesn't even really know herself, she's never had the chance to discover herself.. what she's like when she's laughing with friends, or how she acts when caring for a pet or child.. she doesn't know herself at all, all she knows is her work, her passion, her escape: music, art, acting. dreaming.

at first, erica did use christine as a way of making her dreams come to life. she can't perform herself, both because of her appearance and because her voice doesn't allow her to sing as a soprano. so she sees christine, alone and aimless, and begins refining her talent. erica never realises how intensely she feels for christine until raoul comes into play. she's possessive, not really in a romantic sense, but because christine is all she has. christine is the only person who willingly meets with her and listens to her, even though she doesn't know her true identity

seeing christine face to face and in the flesh is what really awoke feelings in erica though, and what made her want to have christine to herself, though she doesn't know how to go about it other than pretending to be something that christine can find trustworthy and desirable (again, the whole masquerading as an angel thing). but erica tries, she tries to drop the façade and be herself. she tries to ask christine to trust and accept her, but you can imagine how difficult and terrifying it must be to be that vulnerable with someone for the first time in your life.

when the unmasking happens, erica basically goes into full panic mode, and can't regain her composure. she doesn't know that christine's intention wasn't bad, but she's truly deeply traumatised and acted on instinct once again, which caused her to lash out at christine as a form of defense. she was really really scared in that moment, and once she became rational again she felt immensely guilty for lashing out at christine and for frightening her :')

she pretty much hates raoul. because he's what she can't be: a safe presence for christine, someone she can feel protected by, someone who can OFFER her a life of freedom and warmth. someone who can be seen in public with her, someone who wont ruin her reputation. erica has nothing to offer but her creations, her music, her hidden passions. she hates raoul because she can't be him. because she can't compete with him. she feels this way about most men, its just that raoul just so happens to be the man that christine is closest to

the murder of buquet. erica had always despised him, for obvious reasons. he reminded her of the men at the travelling fair, with the way he would describe her just for shock factor, and she didn't know how to process that. he was always watching the dancers too closely. his death was a perfect way of showing that she should be taken seriously and that her demands should be met. his death also meant the death of any memory of her past. also, he saw her. she couldn't let him live anyway

the masquerade! don juan triumphant was basically erica's vent art/music (she needs healthier coping mechanisms /lh). erica declaring herself christine's teacher in front of all to see...a cruel act which served to humiliate christine and force her into being associated with her. with the phantom. a complete parallel to christine and raoul's secret engagement........

erica's SINGING. it's just as unique as the rest of her, each word she sings is filled with emotion and passion and meaning. she sings low, and her voice can be soft and forcefully powerful in the same breath. she sounds unearthly, especially since she has no training herself yet she knows how to express herself through song. if only she knew how lovely she sounds,,,,,

performing the point of no return with christine on stage was the highlight of erica's life. she had abandoned all fear and showed herself in public, in front of all to see, JUST to be with christine and to show christine her heart. yes, she knocked piangi out (she didnt quite kill him, because shes Not a mindless murderer) to steal his role, and she doesn't regret it. singing with christine is erica's favourite activity and she wants the whole world to see how well they complement each other. madame giry nearly had a heart attack when she saw erica on stage

erica didn't see it as herself kidnapping christine. in her mind she Had to do this, because it was the only way to make christine understand her and force her to SEE how she feels for her..... and she never intended on killing raoul. would she take her frustrations out on him and brawl with him and choke him and whatnot? yes. would she kill him? no. she can't do that to christine. but it Did feel good to fight him. fighting for her life is all she's known after all

erica was so desperate to show christine her heart that she was willing to say and do anything, and her making christine choose between raoul and herself was her last desperate attempt. though inside she knew christine can't choose and that it isn't fair to force her to do it. when christine kissed her, and comforted her, and told her shes not alone, it was like the heaviest stone was lifted from erica's heart. she snapped out of her desperation and let christine go, because she truly wants to see her happy and safe, even if with someone else. erica had always known she doesn't stand a chance, she knew she can't win christine over, but she dreamt of it anyway. and if she spent less time trying to manipulate christine, she would've seen that christine was always willing to know her and to be with her

also, for any astrology nerds out there: i hc the phantom to be a pisces (with a scorpio moon and capricorn rising) :') basically i made her be an emotional wreck who gets Very obsessive about her passions. art flows through her

that is all :) im sane about her (not true)

#txt #this is very much nonsensical i kinda fell asleep midway through writing this IM SRY #female!phantom you are so dear to me #lesbian poto #poto #i could write more but im. trying to remain sane😭#anyway i know my interpreation of the phantom is pretty different from canon but yea i like my women pathetic and sad #interpretation*#oh my god this is over 2k words im INSANE

7 notes · View notes

liquidstar · 2 years

Note

I like otto re:zero as autistic because like, really, how can you read him as anything else? and yet he's not the calm and quiet stereotype, he's just... a guy. he can be pretty loud and boisterous when he wants too

AGREED! i dont really think theres any other way to read him. i do think that /as a kid/ he more closely fell into the calm+quiet attitude but i also dont think thats... a bad thing? like. what i was saying w the post wasnt its wrong to hc characters who fit into these respective character archetypes with a neurodivergence whos stereotype more closely resembles them. just that there are ways to exist outside of them too. like ive always been a strong proponent of taichi a3 being very adhd but hes also very much the loud and energetic type. but someone else in the tags of the same post said the opposite which is also fine lol

basically its like. ppl should look beyond that surface layer and all. but when you do that youd end up with a picture that looks more like... a 50/50 split of both calm and energetic characters headcanoned as either. instead of just 100% calm in one group 100% energetic in the other. and in that vein i dont think theres any need to overlook the half of people who may look "more" like the stereotype just to be subversive. some adhd ppl are loud, some autistic ppl are quiet. thats fine it just doesnt end there basically. yeah :)

ANYWAY about otto specifically. youre right like. ive already basically done a whole analysis about this but otto's entire story is like. so very. yeah. i dont know how to put it bc i dont think its intentional coding at all, but its something that resonates like it makes sense. you could say oh its just his power hes actually totally nt but like. you cant fully separate him from- esp the way he talks about it as his "abnormality" that his parents worried abt and would take him to see doctors abt and stuff. idk its like, maybe its not "literal" but does it have to be in a fictional story? the same way that in arc 6 subaru more or less develops DID but you could say "oh its just because of the books of the dead" yeah but in the real world what does that look like? you know? i dont think its something you should be looking at w a 1:1 real world perspective. in otto's case i think hed be autistic even without the divine protection though like thats just a bonus. otto really is one of my favorite characters too like hes. look at him

^ photo taken seconds before he starts throwing bombs

13 notes · View notes

anniesocsandgeneralstore · 2 years

Note

Okay okay I have not only one, but THREE fake fic titles for you!

1. Somewhere Along the Way

2. Whispers in the Dark

3. Matching Mugs and Crossword Puzzles

I love you 💕

alright *cracks knuckles* let's see what i can do here (as a warning, one got a little sad, one got a little spicy, and another one also got kinda sad so like my b)

Somewhere Along the Way

I'm picturing mom and dad ronnie and jake...but the kids are a bit older....and they're spending less and less time together as a couple. What with all the kids' sports and other activities and jobs and chores and just LIFE. and then one night they're just laying in bed and....ah hold on

Ronnie got under the covers with a sigh. She was exhausted. Another long day in what seemed like a never-ending torrent of them. Jake looked no less tired beside her, leaned against the headboard with his reading glasses perched on his nose as he tried to read. But his blinking was far too slow for him to be paying attention. He finally gave up with a groan, setting down his book and his glasses on the nightstand.

"You ready to go to bed?" he asked.

"Yeah." She dragged her hands down her face. "I'm ready."

He turned off his lamp and the room was cast in darkness. Ronnie listened as he settled down onto his pillow. Then she turned over to look at him. Really look at him. There was just enough moonlight coming in through the window to see. Since when did his hair shine with so many greys? When was the last time she kissed him for more than a second? The last time they held one another? The last time it was just them? Tears were suddenly blurring her vision as she reached out and cupped her husband's face. All while he looked at her with a furrowed brow.

"I miss you," she whispered.

Whispers in the Dark

honestly? first thing that popped in my head was jake waking ronnie up to fuck....possibly in the werewolf au

She woke up slowly, mind still half caught in a dream. She could feel the weight of Jake's arm around her waist, his warm breath on her neck. For a moment, it all nearly lulled her back to sleep. It was still dark outside, surely she had time for a few more hours rest.

But then her half-asleep consciousness notices the panting force of Jake's breaths. And the heavy press of something hard against her back.

"You awake, little one? I can feel it." Jake's hips jerk into her spine. "Dreamed about you - that sweet little pussy. Need it. Need you."

Ronnie couldn't help but smile. Jake always got more mouthy when he was sleepy.

Matching Mugs and Crossword Puzzles

again, first thing that came to mind was when Jake and Ronnie first move in together in DC after they get married. And yes they love each other, but they've never lived together before. And the transition is a bit of a challenge. So maybe Ronnie buys the matching mugs because she thinks they're funny, but Jake isn't as enthusiastic about it and it hurts her feelings but she doesn't tell him that. And then Ronnie likes doing the crossword from the paper, but she's bad at it and asks Jake for help, thinking it's something fun they can do together. But one day he's just tired and tells her not right now and she thinks that means...not ever again. (am i slightly self-projecting my autistic ass onto ronnie with this? possibly but i digress)

jake eventually notices that she's unhappy and asks what's wrong and the dam just opens up. she tells him about the mugs and the crosswords and how he's annoyed with her all the time and that could not be farther from the truth. so next morning he pulls out the mugs and the crossword and they do it together and it's GOOD AND I MAY JUST HAVE TO WRITE THIS FOR MY AUTISTIC ASS

#annie answers #fe my werewolf love #ask game #made up fic title #jake seresin x ronnie bradshaw

5 notes · View notes

unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years

Text

furthermore it’s something that quant kid 2 was supposedly written as “guy who sucks who we never see again” (which, underwhelming execution of that lmao even hypothetically just on paper) & then there’s will roland’s interpretation, with will never really mentioning like yeah i decided to try to put a spin on it, or anyone else really providing more specifics rather than they Liked his live & in person je ne sais quoi & acted performance. and idk, just said Je Ne Sais Quoi & the presumed approach of Acting In Earnest rather than that the character being a joke is something that the actor is inviting the audience in on. acting like “this is how it’d be if this was a person.” no character has Real internality the way a real person does but we can interpret it As If They Did anyways, a whole conceit of art imitating life imitating art and narratives / stories / media as an interpretation of life experiences / realities....winston’s autistic. writers doing caricatures of autistic people they’ve unknowingly encountered, with the assumption in life carried over to the assumption as a creator of fictionalized versions of Guys Like That which is that well i guess those weird nerd mathy computer guys are grating losers who annoy us b/c they do that on purpose, like an asshole. and they’re like really good at some specific thing sometimes, but actually that’s Sad even if it’s useful, so it’s also just kind of annoying & wrong of them. done. winston’s autistic, and that also autistic people hardly always know they’re autistic and everything can be a blend of “idk, this isn’t how it is for everyone?” and “i guess things must be my fault on account of being a guy who sucks b/c of whatever’s wrong with me & all” like, for winston to work with taylor he has to say “yeah i suck” before he gets to again mention he’s super good as his shit though, which is apparently also something that sucks of him. ok. it will never be more decipherable, except that it’s indecipherable in the very same way Being Autistic Irl is lmfao. he’s autistic. he’s also autistic b/c a) i think he is, and b) does anyone care otherwise. like who would even truly give a shit about their “winston is some guy i think. idk” interpretion enough to argue for it. or even “yeah winston is some guy who is like a cringe loser to me, idc” like is it important to you. thinking about winston as [autistic character] and secret cassandra (general secret weapon in other ways) for it as well is like, idfk, the alternative is just what most people surely do which is taking the face value “jokes boy who gets dunked on” context and not a step further. okay. i hope to god this is all rhetorical like, if anyone Is out there like “i’ll join this conversation and devil’s advocate about why it’s important for winston to be allistic” it’s like, first of all, already for that b/c the counterarguments to the counterargument are beyond [well ig at the end of the day it’s just all our interpretations =) lol like yeah no shit. anyways] include stuff again like how ppl can be autistic without even their themselves knowing it and the fact of like, irl you don’t need to go “oh it’s okay for people to do [xyz] if they’re autistic =)” like it’s way most likely to be okay whether they’re autistic or not and certainly whether you Know it or not. like, i’m monologuing out here. idc abt any other opinions lmfao like hello?? mine are more than good enough

anyways like the only discussions possible like hmm david levien maybe i have some questions but if you don’t have good answers i’ll just throw it out, idc, i wouldn’t necessarily say i trust this writing or any of you involved in it half as far as i can throw it, just inquiries for fun. i’d discuss it with will roland’s mother, or him himself. like here you can also be given [honorarily autistic] by me if you want at this rate. anyhow send post. i can’t say [winston billions autistic character] enough

#as already sprawling as this is i excised plenty to Only be saying [overly long paragraph] [brief like somewhat related conclusion that's #also just kind of an addendum]#i can't say it enough b/c i'm just rotating it in my mind always. the default funny little guy. accidental autistic character of all time #completely took out stuff about [more arguments about why i also think it's Not objectively epic & correct that ppl give him shit always]#which like yeah sure no guarantee the show thinks so either but they're sure having it both ways in the meantime. to the inherent greater #validation / support for the ''no yeah it's epic & correct & he brings it upon himself'' argument really #marinating on it all last night i had like a mental powerpoint w/a slide ft ''wow these are the same to me'' antifascism diagram lol #would say they're tangents but eh not even. it's relevant but sprawling but here's me just getting some of it out w/the usual #the usual being: posting ''winston billions autistic character like. omg''#winston billions

1 note · View note

misqnon · 5 months

Note

IM SORRY FOR PLANTING THE IDEA IN UR HEAD THAT I WOULD TRY TO DECEIVE U /GEN

being 14 and stupid is a valid reason. i too was 14 and stupid at one point

i get really jealous when my fav fictional characters get into a relationship (assuming i like them romantically) and so .. best for me to not ship them.. and also best for me to not fall for characters that will get together with someone. loz:totk spoilers but seeing sidon got married actually broke my heart..... i was so sad...

ACTUALLY PHOENIX AND MILES DO HAVE A RIVALRY UR RIGHT.. i dont ALWAYS hate enemies to lovers. but they were friends first.. and then they became friends again. so i think i categorize them differently in my head

kidd becoming king of the pirates sounds pretty impossible to me because.. i fully believe luffy will do it. but i can see how it would happen if like. luffy gets the one piece but doesnt take credit for it or something. i could also kinda see a route where luffy, kidd, and law all reach the end point together

in the world of pirates i guess most can be forgiven. i definitely DO forget abt how awful some characters were so his way of just rewriting them to be nicer ... kinda works..

u might have linked the wrong video bc i dont remember him saying anything about sanji's eyebrow swirl. maybe i wasnt paying enough attention,, i do think i like partially noticed that oda's signature has sanji's eyebrow swirl but ... yeah that is VERY telling

"and i want to beat him to death with hammers . who said that" LMAO i can relate..

AGHH U WORDED IT SO WELL.. "zoro is boisterous." YES HE IS... UR SO RIGHT.. like he has a lot of quieter moments post timeskip but when hes loud hes LOUD,, i watched episode 2 which is the buggy episode (idk if he shows up later or not) but i did Not Hear the fuck... i mustve filtered it out. too used to hearing cuss words..

RIGHT, they did a great job with the casting. trans koby is so good..

"GOD I WISH SHE WAS REAL" ME TOO

"thank you for showing me!! :D" <3 :)

i found out google had a record of a bunch of accounts that used my email with passwords that mightve been compromised. like . i found that a while ago. but i couldnt log into any of the accounts because . well probably because they WERE compromised. and half of it i was just like ... i dont remember this.... im just living my life with probably a million accounts on various websites that have been stolen. actually my og minecraft account from when i was 9 was stolen.. it was heartbreaking.

THAJK U i will enjoy. i will.

gasp . i.. that is very sweet of u to offer, thank u. my music taste is honestly really hard to pin down i think.. from what i have gathered from other people

"I FUNDED IT" YOU DID!!

"some people have said it seemed fake/forced" noo 😭😭. iñaki seems too genuine for that. i fully believe he was actually that excited. i think he just kinda has that awkward... dare i say autistic... energy. so his interactions with people probably seem forced no matter what. i am just speculating though

was it the zosan comic because i had seen that on my own timeline like 5 times already before u reblogged it LOL

genuinely i think its just because i have dissociative amnesia ahjdhs. but i do think its a funny story to tell people... like yeah... i forgot....

my gender evolution has been genderfluid -> cis girl -> genderfluid -> cis girl -> genderfluid -> cis girl -> trans man? -> trans man who uses he/they pronouns -> transmasc -> nonbinary/transmasc (i usually say nonbinary)

and now i am questioning my gender again. the grind never stops 💪🔥🔥

i say im non binary bc i . gave up. like i am so sick of trying to figure it out ... ill just use the biggest umbrella term.

i do remember that guy who keeps showing up on the sbs for his extremely perverted questions about women... and i would actually send in a question for the sbs but I don't know japanese and he doesnt answer questions that arent in japanese. or so i have heard. i could use a translator though so maybe im just making excuses

it IS a bop.. thank u for the context i heart when ppl tell me things so im not confused. i havent seen rupauls drag race.. i did mean to at one point and then i .. forgot about it

"I USE THAT SAME PHRASE A LOT AND ACCIDENTALLY DO THAT SAME THING EVERY TIME LMAO" IM SO GLAD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THAT AHJDS

OH PERFECT. MAGISTRATE OF SANJI!!! u get to sit in a courtroom full of sanji fans and judge ace attorney style cases

u havent even gotten to the death pact though have you?? LMAO

YES perfect. i agree its probably just cuz oda wants them to be more intimidating but thats not an interesting reason to me .. i want canonical reasoning behind the heights

"bisexuality of man or whatever" is so funny ..

i like dofuwani too but yeah i think they only really interact during marineford?? i think listing out what ships i like would be hard cuz i LIKE a lot of them but dont Care About most of them.. i care about shuggy.. and recently sanuso.. and ofc hanyagellan. i think thats it tbh. im way more likely to care about characters themselves rather than ships.

"im ngl hannyagellan is like a funny joke ship to me but if it becomes one of those crack ships u acciddentally get attached to im gonna be so mad (i wont be mad itll be really funny)" this is pretty much how i feel... like i was joking and i think its turning into . not a joke... i think im starting to be serious.....

i also miss kuina. like she barely appeared but she has such a big impact.... i wish . she. hadnt died. also i think about how her father's last words to her might have been that she can never be the strongest swordsman, because she was born female. i hate that guy... (her dad). i have seen people say her dad killed her or something and i dont like that theory. first of all i dont think her dad is evil like that. i think hes just your regular sexist dad lmao. but also i feel like it cheapens the impact of her death.

this panel is so good and. like. idk i feel like him realizing that humans are inherently weak is so important to his character.. thats why he protects weak people. because he sees his childhood friend in them. or thats my theory anyways,,

somewhat unrelated but i have always been amazed that people can imagine amvs/animations/stories while listening to music. like my aphantasia isnt that bad but HOW... doesnt the music block out all your thoughts... thats what it does for me...

ur probably right that it really was a gender thing im just.. huffing copium. im coping. i cant handle the reality that he might also be a sexist jerk

i think seeing plays is fun but being part of the production is way more exciting. i love getting to see all the behind the scenes work and like. i like being able to work with my hands a lot. and when i was spotlight for a few shows . that was so exciting. this is kinda lame but i get chills super easily from watching things (idk how else to explain this. chills. goosebumps. because im excited.) so whenever i would watch the shitty high school theatre productions we did i was still like. so proud of all the work that went into it. and i got chills every show. most of the time i didnt get to watch the show though because i was moving things on and off set. watching plays on youtube is so real.. i watched uh.. "natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812" on youtube. it was still very fun to watch. but yeah in person will always be better

NO i agree i dont rly think of robin as a mother either. i honestly dont like putting the parent role onto any of the older straw hats.. like why cant they just be cool older friends. an older person and younger person dynamic doesnt always have to be parent and child. i cant find the video but have u seen that video on youtube that has a bunch of sanji mother moments... its so cute..

ateez and stray kids were my favorites!!! not sure how familiar u are with kpop .. slang?? but i was ot8 for ateez (as in i liked everyone) and with stray kids changbin was my favorite. i still love them but they arent my hyperfixation rn. i was into bts when i was uhhh.. 12??

the video u sent seems fun and i will watch it after i finish this!!

*points* zosan liker.. /lh. i have seen quite a bit of themetalhiro but idk if im following them or not!! the other ppl i am not familiar with so yippee new content

i have plenty op thoughts i can share!! im honestly not good at asking questions so i tend to just say things n hope whoever im talking to can jump off whatever i say,,. i try to stay away from anything spoilery ofc but so many of my thoughts r spoilery... which is why i havent been throwing them all at u. and also some (a lot) of them are just .... law centered..... and ... u dont like him like i do... (which is fine ofc) i just dont wanna be annoying JSHRJ

ok this isnt really a theory or anything like that but i keep wanting to tell people about this and i am barely restraining myself so . i will tell u. ace sabo and luffy are called the asl brothers right? and ace... died.. my brothers and i also have the initials asl. or we did. but my deadname starts with an a.... my deadname and ace have something in common (theyre both dead).

thats not really anything but i just find it to be a very interesting coincidence . i like to think about it.

ok heres an actual thought. sorry if it sounds awkward. some of this would be spoilery so i will just not include it but. pirates are all about dreams. they have big, lofty goals that they dont usually tell people about, probably out of shame and embarrassment. in sabaody it is hinted that kidd and killer told people that they were going after the one piece, and they were laughed at for it. not many pirates are like luffy, who proudly proclaims that he will be king of the pirates and find the one piece.

i find it really interesting that crocodile is hinted at having had a dream that was only possible through taking over alabasta. and enel's dream was to get to the "endless varse", even after being defeated he still headed towards his dream. he just ended up going alone. big mom's dream is a utopia where every race can live peacefully together. they all are willing to do awful things for the sake of their dreams.

but again, the difference between luffy and these other people and their dreams is that luffy is not hurting people in the pursuit of his dream. he isnt causing a bunch of people to suffer. in fact, he is doing the opposite. he has continuously been shown to free people from their oppressive rulers, and he crushes the dreams of those who are willing to sacrifice innocent people to achieve their goals.

i dont really have an end point to this but i think that the differences are kind of proof that luffy is going to actually succeed. because he is good at heart. because he doesnt kill people for the sake of his dream. and also i pity the people he defeated. like yeah theyre awful. but i cant help but wonder what crocodile wanted. i cant help but think about what kind of circumstances led them to that point in their life

uhm uhmm yeah... i will think of questions to ask u.. so that u dont have to worry about asking Me questions..

"also p.s. there is never any pressure to watch any of the videos i link it is more for a sourcing purpose unless u actively want to watch them" i watched them anyways!! but i rly appreciate this .. tbh, usually i wont watch something when someone asks me to (pda autism perhaps), but when u say theres no pressure im like "oh. ok. that means i can do whatever i want.." and then i end up watching it most of the time. bc i am curious.

sanji is such a mess... i love that first image what a goofy face . i wish i could send videos through asks cuz i have.. a video from the 4kids dub saved.. that i think is funny... maybe i will send it another way. but alas. i will give u this instead.

CAN’T BELIEVE U WOULD SO SUCH A THING!! /j

NO FR I ACTUALLY LIKE YONA BUT. NOOO THEY MARRIED OFF MY MAN!!!!

i felt similarly when they almost married off sanji. but i really like pudding too. also hey why the FUCK did they make her 16-!!! (will never not be mad about it. they'd be kinda cute together if she wasnt tbh!!)

yea i assume the theories that are like “buggy will find the one piece first” or “kidd will become pirate king!” all assume luffy will do it in the way that matters. i COULD see the worst gen trio reaching it together but part of me really wants all the strawhats there when luffy finds it 🥺

i absolutely couldve linked the wrong video its been a while since i watched it lmao SORRY U SAT THROUGH A SANJI VIDEO FOR NOTHING

okay but regarding zoro THIS VIDEO IM IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING SO I KNOW ITS THE RIGHT ONE. around 25 minutes in he starts discussing opla zoro’s issues and at 26:12 he brings up a little zoro recipe card that is exactly what we’ve been saying HAHA and dw u didnt miss the fuck its later on in the season.

all these stolen accounts….all around me are familiar faces…worn out places…..

i dont think inaki gives the impression of being autistic but with english being his second language he may just have that slight hesitation of understanding his brain working out the the english (and this is just ME suspecting and i could be totally off base) but especially in the oda video where everything oda says is translated through japanese to english but his first language is spanish kvnkd. i dont mean to imply i think hes bad at english or anything but when ppl say stuff to me in spanish (which i took for a few years) i always have to mega process it in my brain first

“was it the zosan comic” [hangs my head in shame] m..m…..maybe.,

A DIFFERENT IRL FRIEND OF MINE (who is very asexual, for reference) GOT A TUMBLR WITHOUT TELLING ME AND HAD BEEN FOLLOWING ME AND I HAD PREVIOUSLY TOLD HIM “YEA U SHOULD GET A TUMBLR BUT DONT WORRY ABOUT FOLLOWING ME U PROB WONT LIKE WHAT I POST HAHAHA….WHEN I FOUND OUT HE HAD BEEN FOLLOWING ME I WAS SO. EMBARR5ASSED. ALL MY ONE PIECE YAOI…AND VAMPIRE HORNY…ON FULL DISPLAY…I WAS LIKE PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE FILTERING THE CONTENT . I NEED U TO PUT “ZOSAN” ON UR FILTER ASK DONT ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS,

your gender just “i forgor..”

LMAO THE GENDER QUESTIONING GRIND. WE ARE ON IT TOGETHER MY BROTHER. mine was like. cis girl -> demigirl -> still demigirl but casually bc i kept forgetting -> questioning?? -> genderfluid?? or bigender?? is where i currently am at.

I REMEMBER THAT GUY… SHOO..SHOO

he has mentioned a couple questions as being from overseas, but idk if they were sent in english originally and translated or what. we could Try

so to be fair i have only seen one season of drag race (i think it was 7. the one with kim chi) but i watch trixie and katya a lot so i absorb their knowledge. i really like drag. i kinda wanna try it someday 🧍

“OH PERFECT. MAGISTRATE OF SANJI!!! u get to sit in a courtroom full of sanji fans and judge ace attorney style cases” i literally. feel like i know exactly how this would go.

DUDEBROS WHO THINK HE’S COOL: [BANGS GAVEL] GUILTY

PPL WHO THINK HIS TREATMENT OF WOMEN IS PERFECT AND RESPECTABLE: [BANGS GAVEL] GUILTY

EIICHIRO ODA: [BANGS GAVEL] GUILTY

WOMEN WHO THINK HE’S A PATHETIC MEOW MEOW: [BANGS GAVEL] innocent

GAY PPL WHO PLAY WITH HIM LIKE TOYS: [BANGS GAVEL] innocent

(for legal reasons (haha get it) this is a joke bc all of these have nuance too them ofc. i think he’s very cool sometimes. but other times he is a LOSER. and . i guess i should give oda credit for like. making him,)

I HAVENT GOTTEN TO THE DEATH PACT YOU’RE VERY CORRECT BUT HEAR ME OUT: …THE ZOSANERS TALK ABOUT IT A LOT AND IT SOUNDS COMPELLING,

I LIKE SHUGGY. I WOULD LIKE CROSS GUILD AS A POLY SHIP MORE IF IT DIDNT FEEL MEAN WITH HOW OFTEN THEY BEAT UP ON BUGGY AND ALSO BC I THINK BUGGY BELONGS WITH MR. RED HAIR. the dynamic of shanks being desperate and pining over buggy while buggy thinks he hates him/knows but still hates him. is so funny. i love a onesided ship tbh

OH NO BRO….HANNYAGELLAN…ITS HAPPENING…

kuina gives me a lot of feelings. i love her and everything she stood for. and her time with us as the audience was so brief but we remember her too. i like thinking about what she could have been if we got to see her grown up bc she was such an awesome kid. to influence someone like zoro too. and yea koshiro seems generally pretty cool but that was FUCKED UP and im gonna be mad about it forever. i’ve also heard that “falling down the stairs” in japan can be a way of getting around saying it was a suicide and when i first got into the fandom that was compelling to me but now i dont like it bc. she wouldnt have done that. she made her promise with zoro. she was probably feeling more hopeful about her dream than ever. but then…one small accident and she’s gone. it fucks me up :/ it fucked ZORO up. ive never made the connection that thats why he protects weak people…ah . i think to me kuina made a promise, and zoro takes promises very seriously. he’s very blunt in that he takes things at face value and so a promise is an ironclad thing. i dont think hes stupid and cant tell when someone is being deceptive but i think he thinks deception in that way is kind of unhonorable.

IF I MAY in one of my fics i set aside part of a chapter (titled zoro alone. hehehe atla reference) and wrote this about zoro and kuina. its very simple and doesnt dive deep but i like it

“Zoro looks up from his walk along the path. Even in the near afternoon sun, the forest and its surroundings are grayish from the fog. Something snaps a twig. He glances over and spots a buck hopping through the forest in the distance.

Dreams. Ambitions. Drive. Do what that day stole from Kuina. Defeat Dracule Mihawk. Become the world’s greatest swordsman- for both of them. They’re lofty goals- but he can achieve them. There’s no use in doubt or regret.

He finds himself in the clearing. That same damn clearing from the first night. In fact, if he looks closely, he can still see the imprints of his boots, paced in circles in the dirt. It’s infuriating. This isn’t a good sign for his current navigational endeavors. Nonetheless, he perseveres, heading the way he remembers Sanji to have taken them yesterday.

Kuina. He doesn’t think of her as often as some might think. He doesn’t dwell on the past, only reflects on it. Today he is reflecting. The day he waited for Kuina by the lake, only for Koushirou to come instead. There’s been an accident, he’d said. She’s gone, he’d said. She’d been sick. She’d tripped. She’d fallen down the stairs.

Zoro remembered how they’d overworked themselves the day before, training together. He had some childish thoughts that day. Impulsive and hurtful. He tried not to have those anymore. He instead wanted to focus on achieving what they had set out for themselves: their promise.”

i am always imagining amvs in my head to music. i make ANIMATICS in my head to music. but do i ever actually make those things….no. i do not

as a sanji liker i am huffing copium everyday. dont worry. dont worry about it. [streteches out my hand] lets take ibuprofen together

i get chills during performances too!! its just. SO COOL!!!! TO SEE PEOPLE ACT WITH SUCH PASSION AND PORTRAY EPIC STORIES..RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!! LIVE!! AH!!! THOSE BITVHES IN THE SHAKESPEAREAN ERA HAD A POINT

i agree actually! theyre a family but not literally. the mothering some of them show is just cute. and um YES OF COURSE ive seen the sanji mother moments video. god esp pre ts he was so damn cute sometimes 😭 im reading ur message and seeing some of ur posts now and i just feel like this

“u like sanji now dont u rowan”

i think for ateez my friends favorite is seongwha…and my other friend’s bias in ateez is…i dont remember actually,

I LIKE LAW!!! LAW ME UP!!! IM THE MAGISTRATE AFTER ALL!!!! ksjncdkj no but really he isnt one of my ABSOLUTE FAVS but i really like him!! and after corazon…….law is just very compelling ok. i saved the hawaiian shirt comic to my phone as well btw.

omg…rip to ace and also ur deadname i suppose…thats kind of funny.

about ur thoughts on dreams: i…forgot crocodile had a dream beyond alabasta. i thought he just wanted power bc hes sand and its a sand country so it would be perfect for him. plus the poneglyph. now im really curious…i wonder if it relates to his backstory and the possible trans-ness of it? i mean…hm. the poneglyph was weapon related,...idk . croc backstory when…

and ur right about that! luffy is selfish and he’s not a hero but hes also NOT INTERESTED IN BEING NEEDLESSLY TERRIBLE…bc he’s after freedom and what use is it if u destory the freedom of others while searching for it for yourself? undermines your entire goal

i see ur video and i will respond to it shortly but man i DONT KNOW IF I CAN DO IT. HIS 4DUB VOICE PAINS ME PHYSICALLY

speaking of videos. i have a playlist where i put my fav one piece shits. again u do not have to watch any of these. but feel free to peruse

also HERE’S SOMETHING: the other day my friend asked me what i think the one piece is…and having not even reached joyboy/nika shit yet (i shouldnt know about that but alas. spoilers aplenty on the internet) i was freeballing but:

my friend @ liliflower137 had a crack theory that the one piece should be gold roger’s bug collection and with luffy’s love for beetles and the sense of adventure instilled from that i was like. i actually would not be upset at all if that was the case

so i think it might be related to…joyboy/nika/ the SUN…i think maybe its like a. a hat maybe. thats my guess. sun hat. from the original joy boy. its not a good guess but its all i HAVe

also…why do they call him bartolomeo the cannibal. i swear they didnt say anything about him eating people upon introduction. they just call him that. did i miss something. why is bartolomeo called a cannibal and yet when i, big mom,

to end here’s a good zoro meme for u

#march anon #asks #replies #long post

0 notes