#like tearing up at the airport as i type this feel horrible about it

[woolandcoffee]

.

[nordschleifes]

the prophecy

➝ jenson didn't want money, just someone who wanted his company. is that too much to ask for?

➝ word count: 4k

➝ warnings: mentions of death, alcohol, and a particular bad time for jenson

➝ author's note: well, the last two weeks have been horrible, i completely doubted my ability as a writer and my health decided to abandon me in every way. i still don't feel very good and i really think i should give up everything, but ally won't let me, so here we have another one-shot that i had shelved out of frustration with myself. enjoy!

Driving down that street was bittersweet.

The night was beautiful. The sky was spectacularly clear and the silver light of the moon illuminated the gentle waves of the Mediterranean. The pleasant breeze disguised the heat that had been on the French Riviera all day.

However, you weren't looking at the goosebumps in your arms or the stars twinkling in the sky. Your eyes were fixed on the large butter-colored house that stood discreetly among the shady trees just to his left.

As you stopped the MINI you had rented at Nice airport, you allowed yourself to roll down the window and contemplate those familiar walls.

It felt like an eternity since you had last been there, walking up the stone steps, the gray mixed with red. You closed your eyes, trying not to pay attention to your stomach, which churned at the memory. However, it was something you couldn't help.

After all, that had been your last sight of John Button.

You clearly remembered the day you had met him. Wearing a white shirt and with red cheeks from the heat in Melbourne, he approached you and your boss, Richard, with a wide smile. After some typically English jokes about the intense sun, he invited the two of you to join him at the table where he was sitting with his daughter-in-law, Jessica, and son, Jenson.

It was with that moment in mind that you noticed something strange in the house.

With the swaying of the tree branches that covered the facade, you could see that the front of the residence was illuminated, as if there was a light on. In addition to being sure that no one was in the house, you were almost certain that you hadn't left any lights on the last time you were there.

“Someone broke in”, you thought, rummaging through your bag for your house keys.

After typing a message to Jenson, stating that you had seen something strange at John's house and that you would check out what was going on, you made your way to the main gate, finding it ajar.

— My God — you murmured, as you followed the path in silence. With wide eyes, you were trying to make out the sharp sound that mixed with the rustling of leaves and the waves of the sea when a particular loud noise made you jump.

Taking your phone from your pocket, you rolled your eyes when you read the name on the caller ID. “Bad timing”, you thought, as you dragged your finger across the screen and brought the device to your ear.

— Now I can't, Jenson, I'm here at John's house…

However, instead of a humorous comment or an ironic question, you heard a loud sob.

— Y/N — Jenson murmured, taking a sniff.

— Are you crying?

— I'm here, Y/N.

— Here? Jenson, where are you?

— Here — he stammered, before crying again, this time louder.

So loud that you realized what he was talking about.

Walking a few more meters, you saw the staircase that led to the front door of the house, as well as a man sitting on the steps, accompanied by a half-empty bottle of whiskey and his face wet with tears, leaning against the wall next to him.

— Jenson! — you exclaimed, hanging up your phone and running towards him. Climbing the steps two at a time, you approached the driver practically out of breath, your heart almost coming out of your mouth — Jenson, are you okay? What happened? What are you doing here?

He looked at you with a blank stare.

— Y/N…

— Jenson, tell me, what are you doing here?

— I want my father — the driver replied softly, the words dragging on his tongue. Holding his face, you noticed more tears falling from his eyes — Where is my father?

— Jense — you murmured, before pulling him towards you for a hug. With his head buried in the crook of your neck, he cried loudly, his gasps making his entire body shake and your eyes filling with tears. You allowed them to fall from your eyes as you blinked a little harder, tightening your arms around him.

— He wasn't supposed to come alone — he stammered against his shoulder, before looking up and sniffling — He couldn't, he shouldn't…

— I know, Jense, I know — you replied, running your hand over his face to dry the tears.

— He died alone, Y/N — Jenson murmured — He died without anyone by his side. My father died alone, without anyone…

You pressed your lips together, feeling more tears streaming down your face. It was ironic and particularly sad, considering how loved John was by everyone around him. Dying like that, in the open and completely alone, was something you didn't wish on anyone.

— I don't want to be alone — he continued, rubbing his nose — I don't want to be alone, I don't, I don't…

— You won't be alone — you said, trying to calm him down, as the driver reached for the bottle of whiskey, taking a large gulp before you could protest or stop him.

— I will, Y/N — he replied, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand — I will, I know I will...

— No, you won't — you said, as Jenson brought the bottle to your mouth, only for you to abruptly remove it from his hand — And you're going to stop with that whiskey now.

He tried to retrieve the bottle, but you tipped it over the steps, spilling the rest of the contents onto the stone.

— No — the driver protested, as the amber liquid ran down the steps.

— Yes — you returned — You can't keep drinking, Jense.

— I can…

— No, you can't and you won't — you said, your tone somewhat harsh, almost like a mother scolding a naughty child — I'm not going to watch you drink yourself into an alcoholic coma with my arms crossed. Now get up.

He looked at you with an expression that mixed confusion and sadness.

— Y/N — he stammered.

— Come on, Jense — you said, giving your hand to help him get up.

The task of taking the driver into the house was not simple. Far beyond the darkness of the rooms, courtesy of the curtains that covered the large windows that faced the sea, Jenson seemed determined not to cooperate with your efforts to take him to the main suite to take a shower.

After some struggle to drag him up the marble stairs to the second floor and tripping over a painting that was leaning against the wall as he slurred about how much his father liked that place, you managed to make it to the spacious bathroom. of the room that had once been John's. Asking Jenson to lean on the white stone sink, you allowed yourself a few seconds to breathe before continuing on your mission to save the driver from the worst hangover of his life.

— You can take off your clothes — you said, seriously.

— For what? — he asked, frowning.

— So you can take a shower. You reek of sweat and cheap whiskey.

Your observation made him take a step forward, losing his balance and placing both hands on your shoulders.

— It’s not cheap whiskey, it’s a very good brand…

— Which you probably bought for five euros in some dodgy liquor store in Monaco, right? — you asked, as you took your hands to the white shirt he was wearing and started to undo the buttons, revealing his chest.

— But it was a good whiskey, you could have tried it — Jenson murmured — But you threw it all away...

— It was either throw it away or let you keep drinking it until dawn.

— That was my plan.

Your hands stopped at the last button of his shirt, your lips pursed as you lifted your face to look at the driver. The seconds of silence that stretched inside the bathroom made your heart sink. After swallowing hard, you asked him to take off his shirt, which he did without saying a word.

Next, you moved on to his belt, unbuckling it and undoing the button on his pants.

— What are you doing?

— Taking off your pants.

— For what? — Jenson asked in a naive tone.

— So you can get in the shower — you replied, bending down slightly to slide his jeans down his legs, leaving him in just his underwear — Come in.

— And the underwear?

You felt your face heat up.

— I definitely don't need to see your dick today, Jenson. Now go to the shower.

Balancing himself with his hand on your shoulder, he carefully entered the bathtub, sitting on the edge. Watching you turn on the shower, he hissed as he felt the cold water splash onto his legs. However, that didn't stop you from placing your hand on the driver's tattooed shoulder to encourage him to get wet.

— No, Y/N — he grumbled — It's too cold.

— The cold water will help you…

— I don't want help.

— Come on, please — you said, bringing your face closer to his — You'll feel better after the shower...

Turning his head to you, his gaze seemed empty.

— I'm not going to get better, Y/N — he said in a low voice — This is me now, this depressed and pathetic thing that no one wants around...

Something about those words made you adjust your posture, irritation rising up your neck in a hot wave.

— Get in the shower, Button — you said, harshly, pushing his shoulder.

Silently, he stood up and placed himself under the cold spray, letting out a loud grunt. After searching the cupboards and only finding some soap forgotten in the corner, you returned to the shower to clean Jenson's skin and hair. “It’s going to look terrible without conditioner”, you thought to yourself, as your fingers rubbed his scalp. After rinsing off the soap that was on his skin and hair, you turned off the shower and wrapped him in a towel.

— Can you dry yourself? — you asked, earning a positive nod from him — Okay, then I'll make the bed.

Leaving the driver to dry off, you went to the bedroom, testing the lamps that flanked the bed, which looked somewhat imperious with its canopy, and condemning yourself for having forgotten that there was no power in the house. The furniture was old style, however, contrary to what you would expect in a lived-in place, the cupboards, shelves and desk were empty. You knew that this was the result of a day's work by Jenson and his sisters with the intention of keeping their father's memories.

Removing the sheet, you felt relief fill your chest when you discovered that there were still pillows and a blanket on the bed. You had just thrown the dusty fabric in one of the corners of the room when Jenson appeared in the bathroom door, completely naked. Staggering, he dropped face down on the bed without any ceremony.

— Jense, I was finishing…

— No need — he murmured, his face against the pillow.

Pursing your lips, you dropped the blanket onto the mattress, making a conscious effort not to look at his butt.

— Okay, so — you stuttered, while the pilot fidgeted, turning his head towards you — I'm going to see if there's another blanket for me to take to the couch downstairs...

— Why?

— Because I'm not going to leave you alone here.

— So stay.

You gave a small smile.

— I'll stay, Jense, but downstairs.

— Stay here — he stammered, stretching a hand across the bed.

— Here?

A positive grunt was the only response you got, heavy breathing indicating he had fallen asleep. Facing his calm expression, you didn't have the courage to deny his request, especially at that moment. Settling down on the mattress, you felt Jenson shift next to you, grunting in reaction to your movement. Then, he placed an arm over your stomach, as if he was trying to hug you or just make sure you stayed there.

And you stayed.

The sun was rising over the horizon and entering the room through the window without any ceremony when you woke up. A little confused, you rubbed your eyes, focusing again on the ceiling, realizing that the checkered pattern was from the fabric covering the canopy and not an eccentric painting choice by John. The memory of the man made you look to the side, finding Jenson still lying down, sleeping soundly, a string of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth.

The scene made you give a restrained smile. The habit of drooling was something you had already used to upset Jenson, who claimed that it was a lie and that he had never drooled in his life. However, his denial didn't make you stop your jokes.

Rubbing your eyes, you stood up carefully, making your way to the stairs slowly, evaluating the way the sun entered the rooms and illuminated the spaces.

“No wonder John loved this place”, you thought to yourself, as you passed through the dining room towards the kitchen.

As you expected, there was nothing in the cupboards or refrigerator, something that seemed obvious considering the house had been empty for six months. However, at the same time as you could feel your stomach growl, you didn't feel comfortable with the idea of leaving Jenson there, especially after what he had said to you during the cold bath you had given him.

Jenson had mentioned that he was afraid of being alone and that he didn't want that for his own life. However, inside the bathroom, the driver said that no one wanted him around because he was sad, going so far as to say that he was pathetic for that. As you approached one of the windows, you pursed your lips tightly as you remembered the way he had said those words, as well as the pain that permeated them.

At that moment, you didn't know what to say to him, limiting yourself to putting him under the cold spray of the shower. However, the answer didn't come with a night's sleep, much less with a walk around the house or long minutes of contemplation of the Mediterranean that stretched blue and infinite between the trees. You knew it shouldn't be so difficult, that you could limit yourself to a few words of comfort and a hug, but it didn't seem like much.

— Good morning — you heard someone say behind you. When you turned around, you found Jenson standing in the middle of the room, his hair completely messed up as he rubbed his eyes.

— Good morning, Jense. Did you remember that underwear exists? — you gave a little smile. Looking down, the driver assessed his own underwear for a few seconds before looking back at you.

— I thought I should redeem myself after what happened yesterday. In fact, I apologize for — he hesitated for a few seconds — Everything.

— I appreciate your intention, but you don't need to apologize for yesterday.

— But I…

— It's alright. These are things that friends do.

A smile appeared on Jenson's face, but something told you he wasn't entirely sincere.

— Have you done this for other friends of yours?

— To some. You're not the only one I know who likes to drink, Jense.

— Lucky them to have you — he said, running a hand through his hair — And me too.

— Yeah, lucky you too.

The silence lasted for a few seconds until Jenson let out a sigh.

— Is there anything to eat in this house?

— I didn't find anything.

— I think Natasha cleaned the kitchen that day — he murmured, placing his hands on his hips — Do you want to go for coffee?

— In your house?

— Yeah, I guess — Jenson replied, with a little smile — I'm going to get dressed and we go, okay?

— Okay — you said, crossing your arms as he turned around and headed for the stairs.

You headed to Monaco in your rented MINI, navigating the tight, winding streets at a leisurely pace. This was clearly not something Jenson was used to, considering he was shaking his leg non-stop. However, you preferred to remain silent, trying not to get lost in the tiny entrances spread across the city.

You finally spoke up as you parked in front of the building, a white structure neatly placed against the hill that squeezed the city against the sea.

— We’re here — you smiled.

— Yes, we're here — Jenson murmured, without much excitement.

— Let's go up?

He hesitated for a few seconds.

— I don't know if it's a good idea.

You raised an eyebrow.

— Jense, you live there.

— But I don't know if I can...

— Why couldn't you go up to your apartment?

Passing a hand over his face, he merely muttered a swear word before exiting the car with heavy steps. You followed him in silence, particularly confused. Greeting the doorman, you walked down the hall to the elevator, which opened its doors promptly. Inside the metal cubicle, you could see the tension in the way Jenson clenched his jaw.

Tension that dissipated when he opened the apartment door and found that the place was empty.

— Thank God — he murmured, running his fingers through his hair.

— For what? — you questioned him.

— What?

— Thank God for what, Jense? — you repeated, seriously — What happened? Does it have something to do with what happened yesterday?

— Y/N…

— I know this is a complicated time, but I need you to trust me. You know I'm here to help you, it's always been like this, Jense.

— I know…

— So tell me. Tell me what happened and I will help you.

Jenson walked to the sofa, laying down between the pillows with oriental prints.

— It's complicated, Y/N...

— How complicated?

— Complicated in the sense that you can't fix it — Jenson replied, looking impatient — In fact, I don't even think I can do that...

— Tell me, for fuck’s sake! — you shouted, irritated by that damn suspense he was making.

— Jessica broke up with me! — he returned in a scream that seemed to carry all his anger and sadness — And before you ask, it wasn't friendly or anything like that.

You stared at Jenson for long seconds, carefully thinking about your next words. Something told you to try to talk to him to better understand the situation, perhaps even to orchestrate a reconciliation, however, you remembered something he had said the night before.

— Was she the one who said you were pathetic? That no one wants you around?

The question hit him in a sensitive spot, his blue eyes filling with tears. Upon seeing that reaction from the driver, you didn't hesitate to put yourself in the space between his legs and hug him tightly, his head against your stomach. Jessica had said that to him and, in a way, it filled you with anger.

Jenson wasn't pathetic, much less someone nobody wanted around. In fact, there were days that you just wanted him to be close to you, making you smile with his good-natured comments about trivial things. In your view, Jenson was like the sun, brightening even the grayest of British days. And he didn't deserve to be erased, especially by someone who didn't appreciate him the same way you did.

— You know it's a lie, Jense...

— But I can't stop crying — he murmured against her body — I don't feel like I used to, I just feel...

— Sad?

— I miss him — Jenson replied, looking up at you — I miss him all the time...

— This is normal…

— Not for Jessica. She doesn't want a guy like that, who keeps crying all the time, sad, missing his own father. She wants the happy guy that likes to party, have fun and stuff...

— But I don't want to — you murmured.

Suddenly, he raised his head, looking startled by his response.

— No?

— I want Jenson. And know that, whoever truly loves you, will always be by your side, no matter if you're happy or sad — you said, running a hand through his hair.

The driver gave you a small smile before hugging you again, his head against your belly. The scene could even seem romantic, considering the stunning view from the apartment and his almost intimate touch on your waist. However, any suggestion went out the window when you heard an uninteresting sound.

— I think you're hungry — Jenson murmured, looking up at you. The comment made you laugh.

— I came here because someone promised me breakfast — you replied.

— Well, if you insist — he said, letting go of you and getting up from the sofa.

The meal preparation was simple, with some scrambled eggs, toast and a cup of coffee each, courtesy of Jenson's inability to make anything more elaborate. Sitting at the kitchen counter, you were eating practically in silence when the driver broke the silence.

— Thank you for finding me yesterday.

— Oh, there’s no need to — you replied, taking another sip of your coffee.

— I need to, Y/N. I don't even remember how I ended up there without using a car, especially with that horrible whiskey.

— Yesterday you said it was great — you laughed.

— So you could see that I wasn't doing well — he replied, bursting into laughter along with you.

When the laughter stopped, you looked at each other for a few seconds.

— Any problem?

— None, I just remembered something my father said — Jenson replied.

— About what?

— About Jessica.

You rolled your eyes, picking up your coffee cup.

— Are you going to talk about her again, Jense? — you questioned, punctuating the sentence with a sip.

— No, it's just — he said quickly, hesitating a few seconds before continuing — He had told me once that she wasn't the right woman for me.

— When?

Jenson poked the scrambled eggs with his fork, somewhat disinterested.

— I think it was after I went to McLaren. It was a conversation we had after an argument I had with her. And he said that Jessica wasn't the woman for me and that there was no point in insisting on that relationship.

— No?

— “It’s a waste of time to continue with this girl, she doesn’t care about you”, he told me — he continued — But I didn’t listen. I thought it was nonsense of him, but he kept talking...

— Talking?

— That the perfect woman was right under my nose and that I was ignoring her.

You raised an eyebrow.

— And you were?

— I like to think not, but — Jenson hesitated, looking at you — I think he was right. Again.

You just smiled.

— John always had a good eye for these things. Especially when it came to you.

It was the driver's turn to smile, without saying a word. And in a way, it didn't need to. John knew his son like no one else, and if he said something was better for Jenson's life or career, he was almost always right. “Maybe that’s why he misses John so much”, you thought, turning your attention back to your plate.

After finishing your meal, you helped Jenson with organizing the kitchen, before checking the time and realizing that you were quite late.

— I need to go — you murmured, heading towards the door.

— Do you have any engagements?

— I have to pack my bags at the hotel.

— I thought you had them at the car — the driver said, with a small smile at the corner of his mouth.

— No, they're in Nice. I had gone to visit a friend here when I stopped by John's house and, well, everything happened — you explained — But now I can't stay, my flight leaves in the early afternoon.

— Where are you going?

— London.

Jenson pouted.

— What a shame, I thought youI would take the opportunity to make a stopover in Ibiza.

— No, I need a guide to the best parties and he's not available at the moment — you returned, in the acid tone that you knew disarmed him every time. And just as you expected, he laughed.

— In fact. So, I guess I'll see you later.

— Yes, you have to be in Woking in a week.

— Thank you for reminding me — he said, approaching you for a goodbye hug — Have a good trip.

— Thanks.

You were arranging your bag on your shoulder when Jenson said your name.

— Yeah? — you said, looking back.

— My father was talking about you.

A hot wave rose to your cheeks, your hand tightening on the door handle. Your heart was pounding inside your chest, almost as if it had suddenly come back to life.

— I imagined — you managed to say, before leaving the apartment.

[mybworlds]

CHAPTER 19

status: ongoing

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

summary: your life is full of 'must'. You live with your overprotective mother who controls every aspect of your life. You have a dream, to write romance novels, but love - real love - you haven't found yet. Your mother has even decided what you must do in your free time: play music. One day, however, when you go to your music teacher's house, you will have an unexpected encounter and from that day on things change…

Masterlist

rating: 18+ explicit (minors, DNI)

Before to start... I wish to thank you all of you for your support, for your likes and reblog, thank you, thank you, thank you ❤️ I know, probably a lot of you are disappointed about how things turned out between Joel and the main character, but this story is called ''Bittersweet'' so. . . well, I won't give you spoilers and see ya for the epilogue. If you like it pls leave a like/comment/reblog it, if you don't like it don't be rude and keep going. Please remember English is not my first language, so please be merciful!

Thanks @vase-of-lilies for the banner and thanks @saradika-graphics for the divider.

Taglist: @harriedandharassed

When you were two days away from the deadline, you entered the contest in Seattle. Or rather, Kristen did it for you. You are in a catatonic state. The more time passes, the worse you feel. You don't care about anything.

You haven't heard from Joel since he spewed all that nastiness at you, it's been a month since you found out that the always closed door next to Joel's bedroom was his daughter's, and despite the fact that you promised to talk to each other, he has once again excluded you from his life. He doesn't trust you, you said between tears to your friends who huddled around you as sisters would. They have not abandoned you. In fact, they have always supported and endured you. They gave you a reason not to really give up, not to give in to this horrible time and all the guilt you are beginning to feel because of Joel. As the weeks went by, this state of catatonia gave way to anger toward him, so many times you started to type his number and then delete it, so many times you started to text him and delete it within moments and not because you didn't want to hear from him, but because he has to be the one to contact you and apologize for his overreaction, for his silence and for keeping you out of his life once again despite how much you have experienced together. Kristen and Helen one day, you don't even know what day is or what month is, bring you a plane ticket waving it in front of your eyes. Departure is two days away, destination Seattle. You huff and puff and then turn over in bed, you have no will to leave, you want Joel, you want to yell your anger and bitterness at him. Anger gives way to sadness and despondency. You want Joel to talk to you, you want to hear his voice. You miss him. You cry. You feel drained, you feel so bad. You feel useless. A burden even to yourself. That morning with tears clouding your vision, you head to the airport. Kristen, Helen and Gina are there for you. They are there with you. They hug you. They give you lots of recommendations as if you were their younger sister headed to a faraway country and still needing guidance. You can't hide the fact that as you stood there at the boarding, you hoped until the last moment that you would see Joel. You hoped that he would run and stop you from leaving, that he would grab you by the wrist and take your face in his hands and beg you to stay, you hoped to the last that you would hear his voice and ask for forgiveness, but that did not happen. You turned one last time toward your friends, looked further for a pair of dark eyes and his face, the one that always reassured and comforted you, in the crowd, but he did not come. This time it's really over, he doesn't come, he doesn't stop you, he doesn't apologize, he doesn't take you in his arms, he doesn't tell you how much you mean to him, silence. This time it's over. There is no possibility of return. When you sit in the airplane, you think you were a fool to believe in love, the one that could make you feel strong, invincible, protected, love took you there to suffer alone on that plane to a known destination, but to an entirely unknown fate. Love, the kind with a happy ending, is only good for fairy tales, for romance novels, but life and love are two totally distant planets that follow different trajectories with different motions. Shy tears take flight down your cheeks, you quickly wipe them away and look out the window as the plane takes off. Down there, there's a good part of your life, your life as a waitress, as an assistant librarian, your life with your mother, your mother and her crazy beliefs, your life as a young woman who tried and tried again to live, to love and to be loved, the young woman who sought light in a life that had always kept her in darkness, your life as a young woman who played while trying to live, your life as a girl scared to meet a man like Joel, your life with Joel by your side. You close your eyes, it's all over. That part of you is gone.

There is you, this new version of you. A new broken version of you. A version that with time you must learn to harden so that you will never again suffer as you suffered for Joel. Will you forget him? Maybe. Maybe it will become a memory in some time, in some months, in some years. Or maybe you will never forget him and you will always remember him of how he made you feel good and bad at the same time and the emptiness he left you. Will you be able to forgive him? Yes, maybe. Someday. When all this becomes just a pale memory, when what you feel will become just a bittersweet memory.

In Seattle, you meet new people with very different ideologies than the ones you grew up with. There you are free to express yourself, and indeed all you do is encourage your creativity so that it can develop to its fullest. The contest is an experience first and foremost to improve and challenge yourself, to get out of that long comfort zone you have lived in all your life, but also to learn about other ways of writing and approaching writing. You don't win it, but there is someone who notices you: someone named Eugene, a publisher on the hunt for new talent, who offers to help you improve and who intends to make you a great writer. You thought from the start that he was just trying to rip you off and had something else in mind. You would never have believed his, conversely, good intentions. He directed and guided you time and again, and indeed, at times when you thought about giving up and going home, Eugene motivated and pushed you to keep writing. When you turn your computer back on, you find your draft of 'Bittersweet' on your desktop, you did not finish it and you did not enter the contest with this story, but with another one written a few years ago and which you had rescued from your mother's clutches. Your story is still at a positive moment, your protagonist perhaps does not deserve to suffer the same sad fate as you or perhaps you should write what you have experienced and what you are experiencing. Or maybe you could merge the two possible endings. For the moment, you write, write, write some more. Writing is your lifeline, the real reason to keep going. You just hope that everything you have suffered, your efforts and perseverance will lead somewhere. You don't want to believe that it was all for nothing. One day 'Bittersweet' sees the light to your utter joy and from there it changes your whole life, forever.

[kuzure-collapse]

confessing too late prompt?

since some of my friends found love this year, but we've graduated, so they might never see their lovers again

---

A and B are graduating school and moving in different directions in life. Or only A is, and B is still around for another year.

Or A and B are coworkers and A is leaving for another position (far away or even at a different company). either way, they're probably never gonna have another encounter

And they both know that

spice it up and make them former rivals/enemies (i like that trope too much). they've been stubbornly hiding their feelings for each other and now that this moment's here, there's conflict in their hearts.

Do I say something, or do I keep quiet and save my pride? Can't get the feeling off their chest. the realization hits them, sudden regret for the words unsaid

all those times they fantasized about holding hands, kissing each other, holding them close. something that could've been if only one made a move

instead, they wasted all that time scoffing and teasing, jumping to conclusions at all the hints of reciprocation and accidental flirts

or thinking the other was interested in someone else. bringing up other people to get their minds off each other.

and finally, when A is packing their things or something, B watches from a distance, gathering the courage to approach. step by step, and suddenly, they're running (cue the cliche 'stop them at the airport scene')

or it doesn't have to be that dramatic. it could be a slow walk towards a packing A, a longing look, and a responding glance from A, wondering why B looks so down

or it could be at a party to celebrate seeing A off/celebrate the end of a year. and they end up in a room alone together, away from the rest of the noise. or sitting in one's room after the party's over and they've helped to clean up

or walking out together into the night, when thoughts are most intimate

the hype has died down and they're talking about how much time has passed, how things have changed, how they're gonna miss all their friends

and the conversation ends up going into vulnerable territory. they've never seen the other like this before, so exposed and melancholy

how they regret not doing certain things, not meeting certain people. not falling in love (or something like that)

and that catches B's attention.

swallowing, throat bobbing, heart shaking, everything going warm. hands in fists, clenching and unclenching in their pockets, chewing their lip

A notices, glancing up and down innocently. they're also feeling conflicted. surprised by B's genuine look of longing and sadness. moving towards new opportunities, but having to leave something behind.

"I have to tell you something" or even omit that outright and get straight to it.

"I like you." something as simple as that.

A looks up, confused. Defeated chuckling, "Is this a joke?"

the fact that A doesn't take it seriously hurts B. Has B been that horrible?

"No."

A is surprised by the genuine look of sadness on B's face. "For how long?"

"A while." or however long you want.

A smiles and starts to tear up, taking B's hand delicately into theirs. "I feel the same."

elation wells in B's heart before being replaced by that same regret.

idk where I'm going with this lol

or instead of asking if it's a joke, A says, "No you don't" you don't like me. that's not possible. i can't fathom being loved, much less by someone as good as you.

"don't be so cruel," A adds, voice cracking. you know the type of character who hates themselves so much they can't accept affection? the type that nothing good ever happens to, so they stop hoping.

"what do you mean?" B asks, hurt. "what makes you say that?"

A making any excuse. "You like someone else" even if it doesn't make sense and the clues are all there. making all kinds of nonsensical theories.

"I've been trying to get rid of these feelings. don't bring them back. I thought i'd be able to move on once i left." A is shedding tears, not even looking at B.

soft first kiss scene owo?

[selfindulgentpoorlywritten]

Here is my fic for @tippedbykreider for @antoineroussel ‘s 2k22 winter fic exchange! I’m sorry for the delay getting it finished and posted, things were a little crazy for a little while. I started one fic, realized I wouldn’t have time to finish it, started another fic, got scared you may not like the kinks, started a third fic, finally finished! I’m going to give this another read through later to make sure I didn’t miss any typos or anything, but please let me know if you find any!

Rating: T

Pairing: Jamie Oleksiak/reader

Words: 6552

Warnings: heavy COVID mentions

Summary: Jamie has awful taste in women.

Knowing Jamie has been one of the biggest joys of your life. It has also been one of the most frustrating experiences you’ve endured.

For all that he is the sweetest, kindest, funniest, and all-around best person you’ve ever met, he also has horrible taste in women. The first time he’d dated someone shitty, you’d assumed it was a fluke. It was early on in your friendship, and you figured it was an outlier. You’ve learned over the years that it was not.

The first woman, Chelsea, had dated Jamie for about two months. She was a generally okay person, just not a great significant other. You didn’t get to know too much about their relationship, since your friendship with Jamie was so new, but you’d heard enough to know that she wasn’t exactly the attentive, affectionate partner that Jamie deserved. They went on about three dates over those two months, and from what you’d heard, she spent most of that time on her phone. There was nothing wrong with her, per se, she just wasn’t a good fit.

The second woman, Anna, was a bit more… unhinged. She was nice enough most of the time, but her moods were notoriously mercurial. More than once, you were witness to her shouting at him out of nowhere before storming off. You’d been friends with him for about nine months at that point, and the two of you had gotten close enough that the behavior made your blood boil. Luckily, he didn’t stay with her for long.

The third was actually a great person, which surprised you. About a year into your friendship, Jamie had met Blair at a bar and they hit it off. She was exceptionally kind, and loved to laugh. It seemed like a much better relationship, and you’d been sad when they broke up. Despite meshing so well at the beginning, they apparently just didn’t have enough in common to sustain the relationship. You’re still friends with her to this day, and grab lunch together on occasion.

As far above average as that match had been, the next had been much, much lower. Maddie was the type that gave you a bad feeling from the beginning, no matter how much she smiled and laughed. Whenever you were around, she kept her face steeled in a tight-lipped smile, staying glued to Jamie’s side. You’d known him for a couple years by that point, and he was firmly your best friend. For being so big and intimidating, Jamie’s a softy at heart. The first time he came to your place at 1am and cried into your shoulder, you’d decided Maddie was your enemy.

Jamie always came up with an excuse to stay with her, so all you could do was support him and wait for him to come to his senses. When he showed up in the middle of the night, scratch marks up and down his arms, you’d nearly driven to her house to tear her face off. Of course, he’d brushed it off as “not a big deal”, but it only took a month and a half for him to finally leave. Three-quarters of a year wasted on her.

Luckily, he’d taken a break from dating after that. He’d been traded to Pittsburgh shorty after, and politely allowed you to hide your tears when you hugged goodbye at the airport. The move had ended up being good for him, both personally and professionally. The Penguins’ coaching staff truly helped him improve, and he played better than he ever had. His dating break gave him time to repair some of his busted self-esteem, and you watched from a distance as he became the same Jamie you’d known before. The same Jamie you’d fallen in love with.

Because that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? It’s not just that Jamie has questionable taste, it’s that you’ve been standing right next to him for years, arms open, and he’s never noticed. At first, you’d hoped it was just because he was oblivious to your feelings, but you’d eventually had to accept that there was no way he could’ve possibly not realized, and he’s just not interested. It hurt, and it still does sometimes, but you’re more than grateful to be his best friend anyway.

When he got traded back to the Stars, he’d once again politely ignored your tears when you picked him up from the airport. Being shuffled around like that had been a bit of a blow to his self-esteem, but he’d done alright. It didn’t hurt that they’d made it to the playoffs the next year, either.

You’d been prepared for the rush of the post-season, but then the pandemic happened, and everything stopped.

The two of you spent months trapped together in your little one-bedroom apartment. He probably could’ve gone home before everything completely shut down, but had decided to stay with you. He’d asked so simply one night, his casual tone too intentional to be genuine, and you’d been helpless to say no. Not that you were opposed to spending uninterrupted time with him, but you knew he’d end up missing his family.

Working at the hospital made you an essential worker, so you didn’t get a break to learn to bake bread like everyone else. You got extra shifts, and more responsibility, and new protocols. You complained the least about all the extra PPE needed to deal with the COVID patients, so you got assigned to as many of them as the Charge Nurse could justify. It was hell, but your light at the end of the tunnel was knowing Jamie would be there when you got home.

He played house husband the whole time, taking such good care of you that you couldn’t help but fall more in love with him than you’d thought possible. The two of you had been sharing your bed the entire time, but having his big body curled around you, shielding you every night, meant more and more as time went on.

The playoffs got rescheduled, the team both eager and full of dread. Your bed was too big, too cold, for months. At the end of September, he had the perfect opportunity to return home after their loss. Instead, he came to mope at your apartment, a barnacle stuck to your side whenever you weren’t at work. He went back to Toronto eventually, and you got used to being alone again.

While he was home for an extended off-season, he met Rebecca. Being so far away meant that you didn’t get to meet her face-to-face, but she’d appeared in some of your video chats with Jamie. Her appearances steadily increased over time, until you couldn’t talk to Jamie without her by his side. When they’d broken up, he’d just shrugged as he told you the reason.

“She said it was you or her,” he’d said, “So of course I picked you.”

The way he said it stuck in the back of your mind after that: of course. Of course he’d picked you. Like it was easy. Like any other option was ridiculous. He chose you.

A month or two before the expansion draft, Jamie got quieter, and you knew. He wasn’t coming back to you.

You were excited for him, really. He had the chance to be the inaugural class of a new franchise, the face of a team. He wouldn’t be stuck in the Dallas heat, this comparatively lackluster city. He’d get new opportunities and find new happiness. And yet the small, selfish part of you wanted to lock him in your apartment and never let him go.

There’s no teary airport goodbye this time, Jamie heading straight to Seattle from Toronto. The second the schedule was released, he’d called to set up a date for you to visit during a homestand. You found a week in January and booked your plane ticket immediately. Just in time for you to visit, he found another girl.

Meeting Nathalie gave you much the same feeling as meeting Maddie had– as upbeat and nice as she appeared, a heavy feeling settled in your gut anyway. The plan for your first day in town had initially been to laze around Jamie’s apartment and watch bad movies. Mostly, that’s what you do. But Nathalie had apparently been insistent that she meet you, so the three of you had done lunch together. Much of it was spent listening to her chatter about how proud she was of Jamie, and how cool it was that he was a face of the Kraken, and how great the view from his apartment was.

Unfortunately, a lot more of your trip was spent with her around than you’d anticipated. If you and Jamie went to a meal, she was there, talking about an outing they’d gone on recently. If you and Jamie stayed in to play video games together, she popped by, showing off some nice gift Jamie had gotten her. When you went to one of Jamie’s games, she was in the seat next to you, babbling about how nice the WAG section is. You hadn’t even been seated in that section, wanting to be up against the glass to see the game better. Yet, she seemed to feel the need to rub it in your face at every turn, how many nice things Jamie did for or gave her.

By the end of the trip, you were almost as glad to be away from her as you were sad to leave Jamie. That may be an exaggeration, considering how it broke your heart to leave him, but it was certainly a relief to not have to listen to her anymore.

You and Jamie had texted on a nearly daily basis for years, and had started scheduling a weekly facetime session when he moved. After your trip, it felt like Nathalie had to chime in during every call to show you some new present Jamie had gifted her. Luckily, she didn’t sit around for the entire call every time, like Rebecca had.

You’d never seen Jamie buy someone so much stuff, or take them on so many dates. He’s a generous, thoughtful guy, but this seemed excessive.

As the second half of the season dragged on, you spent more and more time comforting Jamie about the team’s struggles. They weren’t playing well, obviously, and Jamie missed the easy chemistry he’d had with Miro and the Stars. You continued to assure him that it would come, that it had to be expected that their first season would be rough, that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Even the media had begun to change, the team focusing less on him and more on other players like Tanev. It wasn’t like Jamie to care about something like that, and yet it had him feeling useless. You weren’t convinced that it didn’t have something to do with Nathalie’s obsession with his notoriety.

The breakup hadn’t come as a surprise. Jamie had told you a couple weeks before, quietly under his breath, that he thought she was going to leave him. You’d done your best to reassure him about it, but you both knew he was right.

What surprised you was how badly he took it. It was clear that he was attached to her, of course he was, but her departure put him in a downward spiral. You’d figured the pressure and shame of a failed season contributed to it, but that clearly wasn’t all. It was only when he’d broken down with you on the phone one night that you got it: he thinks he’s not made for love. Bad relationship after bad relationship had warped something in his brain, made him think that there was something inherently wrong with him, that this kept happening.

There had been a lot of emotions crashing around in you that night. You hadn’t let him see them, had focused on comforting him. But laying in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, you couldn’t help but feel it all. The sadness that Jamie could feel that way about himself. The anger that so many women had hurt him. The heartbreak of knowing that you love him, could love him in the way he so desperately wants, and he doesn’t want you to.

The off-season has been fairly standard. Jamie went home for a few weeks to commiserate with his family and cheer himself up, then did a little jet-setting around to see his friends. He talked to you all throughout, but your favorite was when he sent you pictures of him and the Finnish Mafia in Helsinki. Roope had driven down from Tampere so Jamie could see them all at once and they were all cheesing for the camera in front of the Suomalinna, arms around each other. It was the biggest smile you’d seen on Jamie’s face in months.

It was the first time since he was on the Penguins that he’d needed to schedule a trip to see you. Usually he would just come back to Dallas a little early before the season to spend time with you, but that wouldn’t work anymore. Instead, you find a week in August that you can get time off of work, and he buys his ticket before you even hang up the phone.

You pick him up from the airport with the A/C blasting, trying to stave off the Texas heat. Judging by the way he’s wiping his forehead immediately after stepping out of the doors, he’s lost his heat tolerance from being spoiled in Seattle and Toronto. You rush over to give him the biggest hug you can manage, lifting him off the ground just the littlest bit. He clutches your back and laughs, kissing the top of your head a couple times. You slide his bag into the back seat for him, letting him escape into the passenger side. He used to put up a fight about you handling his bags for him, but has long since given up. Your parents had taught you it was polite to help someone with their bags, and you were nothing if not polite.

The drive back to your place is filled with lighthearted chatter about the weather and all the sights you pass that he hasn’t seen in a while. He points out a little burger joint the two of you used to go to, insisting you have to eat there before he leaves. Honestly, you’d do whatever he wanted. You’re just glad to have him back by your side.

When he goes on roadies, he never unpacks, knowing he’s going to be leaving wherever he is in a day, max. In contrast, he unzips his suitcase as soon as he makes it into your room, already knowing which drawers will be half-empty for him. He’d taken almost all of his things when he moved to Seattle, but you hadn’t had the heart to fill the spaces they left with anything else.

Your plans for his visit are nebulous, mostly ideas one of you threw out here or there. You knew he’d been too jetlagged to do anything the first day, so you made sure to stock up on snacks and schedule a delivery from his favorite Thai place for dinner. The first thing you do is take a nap, which is nice, because you worked late last night and then were too excited to sleep much.

Having a one-bedroom keeps you from having most people stay over, unless they’re fine with sleeping on the couch, but you never worry about that with Jamie. From the first time he’d stayed too late and you’d steered him away from the couch and into your bed, the two of you shared your bed whenever he was here. It was never awkward, even on the occasions when you wake up to Jamie’s morning wood pressing into your back or hip. You just know each other too well to let things like that bother you.

You haven’t gotten the privilege of waking up with his arms around you in a long while, and you luxuriate in the feeling for as long as you can after waking up. His breathing is soft and steady across the top of your head, the skin of his neck soft where your face is buried in it. The alarm going off couldn’t be less welcome.

After a good stretch and some emphatic yawning, the two of you venture into the kitchen to gather up snacks for the movie you’re going to watch. Something new and obscure has come out on Netflix, so you’re excited to see if it sucks or not. You settle in against the arm of the couch, spreading your legs so that Jamie can lie himself between them. His head rests on your chest, his legs dangling over the other side of the couch. People always ask you why the end table on that side is so far away, and this is the exact reason. You can only tolerate Jamie accidentally kicking the lamp off of it so many times.

The movie sucks, as it turns out, but in the good way that has you laughing and making snarky comments. You maneuver yourself out from under Jamie when the doorbell rings, gratefully accepting the food and tipping the delivery person. Jamie perks up at the sight of the restaurant’s logo and it makes you smile.

You sit cross-legged in front of the coffee table to eat, putting on one of your comfort shows so that you don’t have to watch too closely. After all this time, Jamie knows well enough that small talk grates on your nerves, so he’s open and honest and raw when he opens up about his fears for the upcoming season. You listen quietly, nudging his leg with your knee when he finishes.

“You know I’ll still love you even if you never win again for the rest of your career, right?” you ask, offering a gentle smile. Jamie ducks his head bashfully, bumping your shoulders together.

“I know,” he replies, able to smile a bit on his own, now, “I love you too.” No matter how many times he’s said it to you, hearing those three words still puts a fluttering in your chest. It’s clear that he means it in a friendly way, the same way you tell all your other friends that you love them, but your heart doesn’t seem to know the difference.

You talk about your own problems at work as you finish eating, before trying to lighten the mood as you clean up the empty containers. He tells you about his time back home, all of the antics he and Penny pulled. His love for his family always astounds you.

You sit tucked up underneath Jamie’s arm, leaning against the headboard as the two of you scroll on your phones before bed. It’s not a good habit, with the blue light and whatever, but these quiet moments with Jamie are worth far more than an extra half hour of sleep.

You wake the next morning to Jamie propped up on one elbow, looking down at you with a small smile on his face. It makes your heart skip a beat, before flowers take root and bloom there. It’s not the first time you’ve caught him doing this, but in the past couple years, he’s stopped looking away and pretending it didn’t happen as soon as you wake up.

When you’re alone, you usually skip breakfast, but you know Jamie can’t do that. You sit at the counter as he cooks, allowing yourself to indulge the urge to watch the muscles in his back flex with his movements. He’s not a fan of clothes in general, and you’ve never complained about him roaming your apartment in nothing but shorts. He joins you at the counter to eat, the two of you discussing plans for the day. Pavs is in town, so you hit him up to see if he wants to do lunch, an invitation he quickly accepts. There’s a cool immersive Van Gogh exhibit you’ve been meaning to visit, which Jamie easily agrees to. Then you’ll do dinner at the burger place, then come home for some video game time.

As you get ready for lunch, you have a hard time picking an outfit. You don’t want to be too hot, but you also want to look cute. You putter around from the dresser to the closet and back a few times before Jamie shakes his head at you. He ducks into the closet, emerging with a blue sundress covered in sunflowers.

“‘Cause Van Gogh, yeah?” he says, offering it to you, “Plus it’s my favorite.” The Van Gogh reason would’ve been enough for you, but you’re definitely wearing it if it’s Jamie’s favorite. Despite your indecision, you still manage to arrive to the restaurant on time. Pavs and Sarah are already there and seated, so you join them out on the patio under the big white canopy. Pavs gives both Jamie and you huge bear hugs, and you give Sarah a good squeeze too. As much as you have more opportunities to see them, you’ve been slacking on keeping in touch with the Stars crew.

Lunch goes off without a hitch, the four of you catching up on everything you’ve missed while apart. Nathan starts seventh grade in a few weeks, which he is apparently not thrilled about. Sarah has a new side project restoring antique furniture, and you insist she has to teach you all about it. Joe is already gearing up for the season, and teases Jamie a little about it.

The Van Gogh exhibit is actually really cool, huge rooms filled with projections of his work. The soundtrack is perfect, changing to match each piece. A few times you turn to Jamie, only to find him looking at you rather than the art. You’re admiring the way the colors bathe his skin just as much, so you don’t think about it.

The exhibit doesn’t take as long as you expected, so you spend a little time driving around with the windows down, enjoying a more temperate summer day. The wind ruffles Jamie’s hair, making it glint gold in the sunshine. He’s doing the little wave motion with his hand as you speed down the highway, singing along to the radio loudly and off-key. It may be your favorite sound.

When it’s finally time for dinner, you circle back to University Park. The restaurant is small, but has that cozy family-owned feel to it. There are impressionistic paintings in warm tones on the stucco walls, the booths and seats the same red vinyl they’d been last time you came. The checkerboard floor is slightly sticky under your shoes when you step up to the counter, which should be gross but is oddly comforting instead. You ring the bell once, smiling as a portly man with a grey mustache and a bald spot emerges from the kitchen.

“Y/N, Jamie!” he calls with excitement, “Where have you been?” It’s been over a year since you’ve come here, so it’s surprising that Angelo even remembers you. No matter how much the both of you had come over the years, the restaurant industry moves quickly, and you hadn’t expected him to recognize you. He pulls you into a quick hug over the counter, tugging Jamie down for one afterward.

You catch up a little, asking about Angelo’s sons and the restaurant as he puts in your order. His son Mateo is in college now, going to UT for computer science, so you’re surprised to see him peek out of the kitchen. He smiles when he sees you, coming around the corner fully to pull you two into hugs just as his father had. 

After a little more chit-chat with the two, Mateo returns to the kitchen to make your order, and Angelo shoos you to the side so he can take the order of the couple that comes through the door. You and Jamie talk amongst yourselves, remarking on how tall Mateo has gotten. He must have gotten the height genes from his mother’s side of the family, but you remember when he was a scrawny preteen mopping the floors, barely tall enough to kiss your cheek on his tip-toes. His father had embarrassed him to hell and back one time by telling you that Mateo had a crush on you, but it was cute.

Once given your food, you retreat to a booth in the back corner, the same one you’ve always sat at. The food is even better than you remember; maybe Mateo should be going to culinary school instead. There are a few new fish in the tank next to your table, and you point them out to Jamie so you can figure out names for them. Generations of fish have been named by the two of you, here.

The restaurant stays open late, so you’re not worried about taking your time. You’ve closed the place down before, but you’ve definitely got some time tonight. Besides, there are a couple small groups still sitting, so it’s not like you’re the only ones.

Angelo always plays the music a little louder than other places you’ve been, probably because he has a hard time hearing it. When a song you love comes on, your conversation stops, and Jamie nudges your foot with his own.

“You wanna?” he asks, not needing to elaborate. It certainly won’t be the first time you’ve danced together here, and hopefully it won’t be the last. It’s one of the things that had endeared Angelo to you, years ago. You stand, taking a step forward so you can offer Jamie your hand. He takes it happily, bouncing out of his seat to join you. You catch some of the patrons giving you a look out of the corner of your eye, but you’re not particularly concerned about them. Spending a lot of time around someone Jamie’s size will get you used to odd looks, and it’s actually made you much less self conscious than you used to be.

With one of your hands clasped in his and your other on his hip, you start swaying him a little. He smiles, squeezing your shoulder with the hand settled there. He always lets you lead, a master at following whatever crazy move you try on a whim. The song is so upbeat that swaying just won’t cut it, so you start dancing for real, swinging him around. You bounce on the balls of your feet, leading him around in circles and abstract shapes, pushing him away to pull him closer, jumping as you twirl him so that you can get your joined hands over his ducked head. You’re careful of the decorations and tables, even as you fling Jamie out by one hand, only to spin him back into your chest.

You’re singing along, the words coming easily from where they’re ingrained in your mind. Though you’d never admit it, you’re genuinely singing them to him. This song has always made you think of him, from the lyrics to the way the music makes your heart thump. During the bridge, you do the little move where you roll your balled fists around each other in a circle, leaning forward and back toward him in time with the beat. He mimics you after a moment, alternating his leaning so that he’s doing the opposite of you.

When the chorus kicks back in, you grab his hand and start flinging him around again, jumping and sliding and somehow avoiding stepping on each others’ feet. Suddenly, he stills you by pulling you into his chest, holding you tightly as he stares down at you. He cups your face in one hand, smiling as he sings.

“I know you’ve heard it from those other boys,” his eyes are unbearably soft as he gazes into your soul, “But this time it’s real, it’s something that I feel.” Time stops around you, everything fading out until all that remains are the points where he’s touching you. Everything about him is soft and sweet, from his eyes to his smile to his hand gentle against your face. Just as suddenly, he pushes you away to swing you in a circle, twirling you and leading the rest of the dance. It’s a good thing he does, because you’re not sure you could muster up the brainpower to lead right now.

When the song ends, Jamie dips you on the very last word. He holds you there for a moment before pulling you back up. A table of four college students claps and hoots, Angelo joining from his place behind the counter. One of the other two tables just smiles at the two of you before returning to their meal. The only response you hear from the last table is one of them saying “how come you never do anything like that”.

Jamie returns to the table like nothing happened, gathering your bag and the trash while you try to gather your brain from the floor. Saying goodbye to Angelo and Mateo is enough to break you out of your stupor, and you think you manage to seem mostly normal. The smirk Mateo shoots you just before you turn for the door makes it clear that you weren’t completely normal, though.

Jamie spends the car ride home on his phone, tapping out messages. He seems a little flustered about whatever he’s saying, so you leave him to it. Probably better than straight out asking him what the fuck that was.

By time you get home, it’s late enough that you decide to skip the video games and go straight to bed. All through getting ready, your mind refuses to stop thinking about it. You replay the moment in your head over and over in the shower, dissect every minute facet of his facial expression as you put on pajamas. As you sit in bed, staring blankly at your phone, you can’t shake the way his palm on your cheek had felt.

Jamie falls asleep before you do, head resting on your chest as you absently pet his hair. You feel insane. It’s not like the two of you haven’t been flirty before, but something feels so different about it, this time. When he sings, he’s usually belting out something awful in the car. But he’d kept his voice so low, like he was singing just to you, like he was whispering you a secret. And his eyes– you’ve only seen him look at you like that a few times before, but you’d always had to catch him in the act. He’d never let you see on purpose.

After a few hours of trying unsuccessfully to sleep, you give up. You work your way out from under Jamie, making as little disturbance as you can as you roll out of bed and leave the room. It meant nothing, and you know it meant nothing, because it always means nothing with Jamie. You’ve completely built your lives around each other by this point, but he’s never given you reason to believe that it’s anything more than being best friends. And you’re fine with that! It’s totally okay! It’s better than okay! But sometimes he does things like this, and that last little bit of space between you feels like a yawning chasm in your chest.

You’re not sure what to do since you can’t sleep, so you just sit on the couch and fuck around on your phone. You send your next best friend a long explanation of the event, followed by an even longer rant about it. She works overnights, so it doesn’t take her long to respond. She can’t call you at work, so you shoot messages back and forth about this, wanting to cry a little more every time she tries to convince you that this means more than it does.

When the overhead light flicks on, you nearly jump out of your skin. You whip your head around to find Jamie sauntering into the room like he hadn’t just scared the life out of you. It’s silent as he makes his way over, settling on the opposite end of the couch. He crosses his legs under himself, leaning his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. He seems honest in his curiosity, worry tinging the edges of his expression. You lock your phone and put it face-down in your lap, hunkering further down into the blanket around you. Obviously you can’t tell him what’s really going on, but you’re also having trouble thinking of an adequate cover.

“Just couldn’t sleep, I guess,” you shrug. It’s weak, but you’re hoping he’ll let it drop. He doesn’t.

“Something’s wrong,” he says, knowing you too well to miss it. You pull the blanket up to your chin, wishing you could pull it over your head and hide until this all went away. The absence of any denial only proves him right.

“Hey,” he says, reaching out to softly grab your ankle through the blanket, “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.” You don’t want to, but it would be even more suspicious to hide something from him. You tell him everything, and he tells you everything, and resisting that would set off alarm bells in your head too. You’ve gotta come up with something quick. Maybe something about work?

“What was that earlier?” you blurt out, “At the restaurant.” Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. If your brain was a separate physical person, you would fight it. Jamie just looks confused.

“What do you mean?” he asks. Part of you wants to come up with something, anything else, to drop the subject entirely. A slightly bigger part of you knows that it’s too late for that, and kind of wants to know what he’ll say.

“When we were dancing, you–” you pause, trying to figure out how to phrase what you’re asking, “You grabbed my face and sang to me. You’ve never done that.” It’s true, he hasn’t. There are implications to you asking this, probably, but what’s said is said. It’s better than asking something even stupider, not that you could think of something stupider.

“Oh, that,” he says, huffing a laugh and leaning back a little to rub the back of his neck, “Yeah, I don’t know why I did that.” That’s not what you were expecting. You’re not sure what you were expecting, but it wasn’t “I don’t know”. There’s disappointment inside of you, and a little anger at the fact that he could do something like this so nonchalantly, as if it wouldn’t tear you apart. He can’t really be blamed, though, because you’ve never told him how you feel.

“Oh,” you reply, staying in your blanket cocoon, “Okay.” You’re still miserable about it, possibly even more now. With the question unasked, there was the chance that there were some type of feelings behind the action, no matter how slim. Now, with an answer that dismisses the entire affair, you know it was just another nothing.

He doesn’t say anything, and neither do you. You can tell he’s looking at you, but your gaze is stubbornly fixed on the small pieces of fuzz you’re picking off of the blanket. The tone of your last statement is unusual for you, and he’s probably trying to figure out why you’re upset. As obviously as in love with him as you’ve been for a long time, he’s always been too oblivious to pick up on it, and you don’t expect him to this time, either. Yet, your brain is still running through a thousand thoughts a second trying to figure out how to respond if he accuses you of it.

“I lied,” he says finally. That gets your eyes to shoot up to him. He lied? About what?

“I do know why I did that,” he continues, squaring his shoulders like a soldier preparing for battle. Something about his tone makes it seem more like he’s a man walking to the gallows. You wait for him to finish the thought, fingers frozen around the fuzz you’d been in the process of tearing off. His face does a few interesting things that you can’t quite decipher, before he meets your gaze again.

“I did it because I’m in love with you, and I’m too scared to tell you,” he says. For the second time tonight, everything stops. Both of you are stock still, not even breathing, as if any tiny disturbance would have everything crashing down. Something breaks the spell for him, but you’re still stuck.

“And I totally understand that you don’t feel the same way!” he says, the words coming out in a rush, nerves clear in every syllable, “But sometimes you do something and I have a hard time not telling you, and we were dancing, and you looked so beautiful, and…” He trails off, swallowing hard. You may be having a stroke.

There’s no way this is real, right? You fell asleep texting Ella and this is a dream. Because there’s no way that Jamie is sitting here, telling you that he’s in love with you. Despite all your fantasizing, you’ve always known that he’d never reciprocate your feelings, and yet. Yet here he is, telling you the exact thing you’ve yearned to hear for years.

Whether your brain wants to believe or process it, your body has begun to react as if it’s real. Your cheeks are heating, your chest tight, butterflies spawning in your stomach. Jamie just said he loves you. Jamie just said he’s in love with you.

“You don’t have to say anything, but I’d really like it if we could stay friends,” he says after a long silence, wringing his hands, “Please tell me we can stay friends.” The fact that Jamie is the one who’s so nervous about this is wild. The fact that he could think that you would ever, in a million years, reject him, is ridiculous.

“I don’t want to stay friends,” you finally manage to get words out. You should have picked better words. The crestfallen look that overtakes Jamie’s face is heartbreaking, and he’s already stammering for something to say. You emerge from your cocoon, leaning forward to take his hands in your own.

“I don’t want to stay friends,” you repeat, adding, “Because I’m in love with you too.” The 180 that his face does is so incredibly endearing that you’re overcome with affection for him. His smile is wide and toothy, his eyes bright.

“I’d rather us date, instead,” you say, aiming for smug but missing the mark by a mile with the way elation is filling your voice. Jamie laughs once, joyous and disbelieving. He squeezes your hands hard, shaking them a little. It’s good that you get to have this moment, because your heart is about to burst and kill you. You’re going to keel over from happiness.

“We should do that,” Jamie agrees, his tongue darting out across his bottom lip quickly, “Can I kiss you now?” And how could you say no to that?

“You should do that,” you reply.

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Summer wedding drabble request

A request from @nana1000night to make ari feel a worse pain than he inflected on the reader. You asked for it.

18+ just incase horrible angst discussions of 1 divorce and trying to explain divorce to a child. I'm not a psychologist so don't quote me on that. It also can explain why Maya is so cold to ari in red sea diving resort No reporting or republishing but comments and reboots are welcome

They called Maya Queenie on occasion. Ari's ex girlfriend is called Princess by Maya and subsequently by Ari. Ima in Hebrew is mother Abba is Father

At the airport Maya runs up to Ari his arms are opened for her but she stops short

"Where's Princess?"

Ari took a deep breath he knew this was comming.

"Well Queenies she's- not here."

"Oh the bathroom?" Maya nodded her head in understanding and Ari knew right then and there it was going to be a long visit.

"What'd she say about the ring Daddy did she love it?"

"Sweetheart-"

"I made her a drawing see- thats me and mama and that you and princess and me can I have a lavender flower girl dress?"

"What's princess holding? A puppy?"

"A baby I want a baby sibling I want to be a big sister. "

"Hey we need to talk."

Ari took her to Dylan candy shop and let her get whatever she wanted hoping to keep her happier for longer and he'd be willing to deal with the sugar fallout later.

"What do you mean she won't be here?" Maya was curious. Then her face dropped "is she on a work trip like you did?"

"No sweetheart see she and me, we, it's complicated"

"Ima says complicated means you messed things up."

Ari rolls his eyes of course Sara would say that but this time she's right which he hates.

"You see Princess we don't live together anymore. "

"Oh" Maya peps up.

Ari is relieved because she understands.

"I don't like that house either are we having dinner at her place? Can we stay there I wanna-"

"Maya-"

"See the diansaurs and-"

"Maya-"

"We learned about Egypt and mummies in school and when we talked on the phone remember? When said she was afraid of the mummies."

Ari smiled for a second Maya wanted to go and princess pretended to be scared of Mummies asking Maya to help her be brave. Ari had such trouble not laughing at that. At how sweet it was. At how much he was looking forward to having kids together she'd make the perfect mother. He wanted all the babies to look like her. So beautiful so-

"Aba- are you listening? I dont want to break my promise to help her. Can we go today or tomorroe."

"Maya honey no."

"But whhhhyy." She whined

"We aren't," he had to take a deep breath to steady himself for this but the lump in his throat... he almost couldn't breathe "we aren't together anymore baby, we broke uo."

"Like you and Mommy?"

"Yea sweetheart like me and Mommy."

'We have to go back to court again?"

Oh God was Ari's heart breaking especially because he was now breaking his little girl's heart too.

"No sweetheart see you you're not. It's not like that see Mommy and Daddy fought over you because we-"

"Princess helped you fight for me."

"Yea she did baby but um this sort of break up is diffrent. We- why don't you have some more ice cream?"

She shook her head no.

"This isn't the type of break up you go to court over see she," God how do you explain this to a child? "Mommy and I both love you and-"

"I know half my genes that make make me, me come from you and half from mommy but you both went to court because you both love me so much that you both want me around 24/7. You faught because you both love me too much and that's a good type of fighting. That I wasn't at fault but you both were to greedy to give up any time with me and wasn't something I was in trouble for. You both wanted me around all the time."

Ari was taken back "where did you come up with that?"

"Princess told me one day when I was upset. She said you both love me so much that you didn't want to spend time without me but I wasnt to blame at all."

Ari teared up.

"She's right baby. Everyone loves you so very much."

"So why won't princess fight for me? I thought she loves me."

"Oh darling she does you know that but we weren't married and you just can't see her again its just the way things are."

"Did I make her mad? A Smidgen? Does she think I was forcing her to see the mummies because I-"

"No no nothing like that its just. I messed up and we broke up we went our seperate ways and she can't go to court to fight over tou. Mommy and I are you parents so that's why we could but-"

"But princess isn't." Maya's face dropped.

"No."

"I hate you" Maya suddenly screamed taking Ari back surprising him. That's how the whole day went crying screaming i hate you and even two year old were taken back by her tantrums. Maya wouldn't let Ari hold or her or barely anything. She refused to even take a cup of juice from him. But she didn't run from him, well not too far other wise she knows she'd be in trouble.

"Hey its me )"

"I know"

"Look im calling about Maya she-"

"How'd she take the news?"

"Well um-"

"That well hu? When does she want to see the mummies."

"You don't have to."

"So what you were just calling me to say hey Maya hates you too."

"No she misses you and-"

"And I promised to take her to see the mummies. She doesn't deserve everyone to let her down."

"Why do you hate Abba? Can I fix it?"

Sweetheart you knew you can't fix relationships we talked about this. It has nothing you can do or can't do to change that.

You know how sometimes you just aren't friends with people or you were but now you aren't?"

"Yea."

"Well thats how it is with me your father but I will always love you, you know that. Unless you keep beating me at battleship."

"I thought you said I shouldn't turn my light or my smarts down for anyone."

"And you shouldn't but can't you give me a fighting chance"

"Nope."

"No? not even 1 hint of your strategy and how you beat me every time?"

"No hints I'm just smart."

"You are smart but you have a strategy maybe you'll tell the tickle monster. Maya had fallen on the floor in laughter and and tickles and neither cared it eas in a museum. And people walked past smiling. Thinking it was a mother and daughter having a joyful day out."

Ari wad been keeping his wide stance wishing he was there with them. The tickle fight the hand holding, the smiles and joy and just the everything. He was starting to think his heart could break into dust.

The two of them sat on a bench and Ari could listen. From a corner... just when he thought he couldn't hurt anymore.

"Can I see you again?"

Well Maya honey you're here to spend time with your Abba. Not me. Plus you'll have more fun I won't be distracting him."

"But then I dont get away with nothing."

"With anything you mean. You will. Don't tell him I told you to you have him wrapped around your finger. You're his baby girl and there isn't ANYTHING he wouldn't do for you."

"But what about having a baby brother or sister?"

Sweetheart," she sighed.

"Daddy said he wanted babies with yoy and ill be the best big sister ever Ill even change poopy diapers and I was so brave helping you didnt cry when we saw the mummies.i'd do the same for them."

"I know Bubba and you made me very brave because you're very brave. But once your Daddy finds someone he loves and wants to marry they might have babies then or your mother might."

He wanted them with you. He missed so much with Maya but you he wanted to be there every step of the way for everything everywhere. He was thinking it felt it more than he did with his ex wife.. He was looking forward to sleepless nights and 2 am feedings and love he missed that love you two had so bad. You helped Maya and him get closer and Maya was just as in love with you being her new mother as Ari.

"Maya, honey its not going to happen ok. I know you're sad right now but I promise you in a few days you'll be ok. In a few months you won't even remember me." She added a soft smile.

Tears were streaming down Ari's face.

Everything he ever wanted in life was round the corner, his two girls, and he just killed it. She had eveplained everything better than he or his ex-wife had. But Maya hates him. It's always him because its always his fault. He promised Maya you'd be a family. Ari really did think you'd say yes.

Maya got upset and went to Ran but Ari caught her within a few of her steps. Going to return her, they walked into eachother

"Ari really? God." She was surprised and took a breath "Maya honey I think, " she really wanted to end the day, "Why don't we go out for dinner."

"Does we include you?" Maya pounted. Which only worked on Ari Princess did that with Ari herself and her own father to fall for it. But she did fell bad for the little one.

"Well honey I" she looked at Ari. "I can't stay long I have to go to work. But I suppose I have time for a slice of Pizza."

"Yay!" And just like that her tantrum was gone.

Princess really couldn't even stay for a slice. She had to take it to go.

"I'm sorry queenie but I can't stay i need to go to work"

"But why?"

"Because I need money"

Why my Daddy can give you some"

"No he can't"

"I can" Aris offer was ignored like he wasn't even there.

"Why do you need money?" Maya was still to innocent to understand.

"To pay for things that your smart and pretty head doesn't have to worry about until you're an adult." She booped her nose.

Maya threw arms around her.

"Promise you'll be good to your dad for me?"

Maya nodded. With that she left not saying a word to or looking at Ari. Who was internally begging for just one more glance- even one out of spite or hatred. But Ari's eyes never left her.

"Maya stay here for a second" he followed her out

"Hey, hey," Ari grabbed her fore arm

She pulled away with a "Don't touch me"

"Sorry I'm sorry." he held his hands up in defeat and was he defeated.

"I did more then most ex girlfriends would ever do."

"I know" he said in a small voice putting his hands in his front pocket he felt small he looked small despite his stature.

"You're lucky I love that little girl. I know what an asshole she has for a father."

"If you need money I could help."

"I would say I'd rather sell my soul to Satan but I dont want to be involved in a business transaction with you."

"Isn't there something I can do-"

"Yea be a good father to your little girl. And stay away from me."

She left and ari watched her walk away and then Nick showed up. Her bright eyes and huge smile returned. They kissed eacother deeply.

"How'd it go?"Nick asked even though he knew the answer

"Not that bad he was following us at the museum but I knew he would. He did a bad job of it though. What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to walk you to work."

"Nick."

His hands were on her head and her body and there was nothing he could do but gripe and dig his dingernails into his palm so tightly

"Ok and maybe I wanted to kiss you." Nick smirked

"I didn't want you to walk alone" he moves some hair off her face that the wind had blown in. She giggled. All Ari could think of was that it used to be his his hands his lips his heart in her hands. Her heart in his. The smile he longed for to be directed to him. He still remeberes the peppermint lip balm you'd wear so your breath always senmed fresh.

That night Maya was yelling and crying the biggest tantrum he's ever seen her had.she was slapping him, hitting . He made no attempt to stop her he felt he deserved every. Single. Pain.

Maya was crying in him begging him to fix it. Ari was crying by then too.

"I want to baby I wish I could I wish I could. Baby but I can't I can't fix it."

"If you love me you'd fix it."

"I tried baby I tried to fix it but I can't I can't." He was cry and shy was crying. In fact Maya cried herself to sleep. Ari layed Her down in bed and then just slid down in the hallway crying he wanted to fix things so bad he lost the loves of his life twice, his wife and his now ex she had moved on so quick but all he thought was that he deserved that pain. A peice of him , well more than a peice, had hoped it was just a rebound relationship.. But he didn't want to lose Maya... not her too. Not his little girl. He knew he ruined things for Maya.

The rest of her trip Maya was mad and sad and crying. Ari felt like the worst person on the planet, the univeree. He thought about just telling his ex-wife just to keep Maya for the rest of her life as she didn't deserve a father like him. He had loved his ex-wife once upon a time but not now. But he promised the real love of his life he'd be a good father to that little girl. The one that his ex girlfriend had loved and spent countless hours playing battleship and trying to distract Maya at the court house, making sure Maya knew she was loved. Ari knew there was no one better for his little girl than the woman he let slip through his fingers over a bad, what? 48 hours? And now he ruined both thier lives Maya she deserved better and Ari didnt know if he could but he promise so he was going to try. But Maya never completely forgave him and Maya never forgot her.

Tag list @sapphire-rogers @hawkeyes-queen @sparklybarbarianninja @patzammit

[hawkinsp0st]

no bc what makes the van scene so fucking tragic to me is i really feel that if will hadn’t been raised in a homophobic environment and had been truly able to say his feelings, then mike would have dropped everything. everything.

———

i mean, first, will would’ve had to spell it out for mike. he would’ve had to look into his eyes and say “i love you the way that you love el, and i want you to love me the same way. i know you won’t, but i want that, and that’s why i’m so torn up. but i know that you can’t—“ but that makes it finally click for mike.

he immediately would have taken a deep breath and cut will off (with that expression on his face from when he nodded in response to ‘ur scared of losing her’)— “no. no, i love you too. that way. the fight el and i had… it was about… it was about love. that type of love.”

“oh, mike,” will says, eyes wet with regret and guilt. “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to get in the middle of—to mess up what you and el—“

“stop saying that,” mike urges, eyes soft. “this isn’t your fault. none of this is your fault, will. it’s not…” mike squeezes his eyes shut in a hard blink for a moment. he’s got to say it, out loud, if he ever wants to admit it to el. “it’s not your fault i’m not in love with el.”

will’s breath is shaky, and the mood sober, as mike continues.

“i don’t know what’s going to happen when we find el. but this?” he scoffs, smiles, shakes his head, gestures between the two of them, relieved tears filling his eyes, because will has no clue what he just did for mike, that this is everything. “will, you have no idea. you have no fucking idea.”

he thinks of all the sleepless nights since will’s been in lenora. he thinks of the feeling he got when he spotted will out of the corner of his eye in the airport, will’s smile so bright it stunned him and he froze, and mike thought he had no choice but to force himself not to feel anything for risk of hurting el, for risk of being a horrible boyfriend—and, lying in the byers’ guest room that night, he let himself realize that it was also for fear of hurting will, making him uncomfortable because will wasn’t like that, and besides, he had thought, boys can’t want other boys that way, like how his dad had always pointed at it on the news and said “that’s not right.”

he wants to press on, wants to ask will how long. how long have you been holding this thing that just changed my entire life in ten seconds, sent everything crashing into place. how long have you been waiting to save me from myself.

but instead he only explains: “this makes it… worth it. how scary the future is, i mean,” mike continues, eyes downcast. “i still love her, you know… like, how i love my family. she is my family. she’s my best friend.”

will reaches out, hesitant, and puts his hand over mike’s. “she’s my family, too. none of us would be here without her. we’re going to find her,” will says nervously, “and we’re going to figure this out. together.”

mike smiles sadly and interlocks their fingers and they stay like that, thumbs occasionally rubbing over the other’s hand soothingly, until they get close to NINA. “together.”

———

and it would have been that easy. you can’t tell me otherwise.

[twinklelilstarkey]

“Please don’t go” with Freddie Andersen 🥺

"Please don't go" - Frederik Andersen

Words: 3.6k+

Type: ANGST

Warnings: A lot of crying from both Y/N and Freddie. Break up. Mentions of long distance relationships.

It was a tough decision to end your relationship with Freddie.

You two had dated for a few months, after being extremely good friends for years. The whole relationship was a quite sudden decision, but right as it started, it felt so right that you felt stupid for not admitting your feelings sooner.

You feel like it’s fair to say that everything, absolutely everything, was just pure perfection when you were together. And that is why what you two shared will always be kept in your hearts:

All the smiles, all the laughter, all the hugs, all the kisses. The way one would always support the other on whatever decision. Or the way you two believed in one another, no matter what. 

There was just nothing bad about it. There were no arguments. If anything there was just disagreements, which if they did escalate, you two would fix it or just calm down in the same breath. 

Ending it, even though expected, was as painful as anything can possibly be. Both of you cried, constantly itching to comfort one other, feeling as helpless like never before.

You two sat opposites on your couch. Freddie looked at the ground, elbows over his knees as he listened to you, and you stared at a wall to contain your tears. Yet as soon as the first one escaped, you were done for.

Sobs in the middle of sentences, almost as if your heart was pleading your brain to stop you from putting an end to it. To what made you happy. 

An imaginary weight, which would always be lifted off when together, had now set over the two of you again. As well as the cold of familiar loneliness, and the horrible pain of heartbreak.

But it was for the best... right?

You got a huge offer for your job, some kind of promotion, which consisted of you moving to America.

It has been so many years since you started calling the Toronto streets your home, that you just know that this change will be unfamiliar and hard, yet the outcome always seems worth it. 

In your eyes, there’s absolutely no way for you to refuse it.

But for you to have it, you have to lose a lot too since work never makes it easy for anyone to take days off. Especially if those few days are to be in another country. Canada, in your case.

And sure, you had holidays and a week or two offered to you as some sort of vacation in a whole year of work. But not enough for you to try and leave everything behind you intact and act as if it will stay like that while you're away.

Whether you like it or not, strong friendships will become weak, the constant communication with your family will not even seem like half of what it used to be, and when it comes to relationships, trust will be tested. And god, even if you trust someone with your life, nothing can stop your brain from thinking of all awful possibilities. As well as your heart from hurting due to missing them so much.

Long-distance relationships are painful and you do not want to go through them. You would prefer to let the love of your life live his life with someone else, then let them wait for you for only God knows how much time.

That decision is the opposite way of looking at life selfishly. You prefer to go through an immense amount of pain if that means that the ones you love will be happy. Something Freddie always loved about you and sometimes would bring it up in conversations.

He also wouldn't let you refuse such an offer and you know it. The opportunity of you going after your dream was more important to him than anything, because it is your dream. He just didn't really know what would come with it.

He didn't know how much he would cry, how much he wouldn't want to open his eyes in the morning to see an empty bed, how much he would come to hate the silence in his home, or the absence of your perfume in his hoodies. It was a whole list of horrible things that he feels while following the same routine as before, yet all it gives him is pain. 

While you were packing your whole apartment to move far away, fighting off tears, Freddie had to work.

In morning skates, he would find himself skipping almost half his playlist when stretching because everything would remind him of you. He wouldn't look up at the clock in anticipation to go home. Or even be quick with getting off the ice when the last minute of work ends.

Sometimes he would sit on the bench for so long that the lights would eventually turn off around the arena. But he would just sit there. Head hung low with his eyes either closed or staring at nothing in front of him, letting his head run free.

Those weeks were rough. If rough could even come to describe half of what you two felt.

Today is your last day. The day to get on an airplane and not be sure when you're going to step foot into Canadian soil before Christmas. Or even see your loved ones before that too.

Your family and your friends have texted you a lot this morning, letting you know that they'll meet you at the airport. As well as asking how excited you feel.

You truly aren't even slightly excited to leave. All you feel is regret. And it's heavy and painfully stabbing its way into your back while closing its fists around your heart.

Why didn't you start dating way before all of this? Maybe that would've worked out in a way. You two could've argued and hated each other for what you've swarmed it could be forever. 

Or why did you have to meet him at all? Why didn't you ignore him like every other guy that talked to you on that specific bar? It would've made your friendship impossible and he would be nothing but a goalie you would see on the TV.

Getting up from bed today was just as bad to you as it was for Freddie. You two both dragged your feet into your separate bathrooms and undressed, pulling yourselves under the water of the shower. The water would soak you but neither of you moved to actually start doing anything else, you just stood there for a minute.

And with that, a loud sob jumped out of your mouth and you're back into your circle. Back to doing the same things with the same make-up-less face, your eyes swollen from tears and gaze fixed in nothing but the tiles of your floor.

Freddie didn't sob, but he isn't sure if he didn't cry either. If tears fell they left with the water falling from on top of him. The water that is trying to embrace him back to comfort, but failing miserably.

You throw the rest of your things inside your last bag and close the zipper slowly. Your gaze lifts up to the mirror of your bathroom and the reflected image breaks you as reality sets in.

You have to leave.

Walking around the apartment to check on everything was difficult as you continue to battle your emotions and throw all the memories to the back of your mind.

After that, you leave the key on the place you had previously planned with your landlord, and off you went into your Uber to the airport with your last belongings in your bags. Ready to leave home.

The driver was nice. He made small talk about where you were going and how he had gone there with his family last summer. He also must have sensed your uneasiness, so he decided highlight how nice the locals were and how everyone would always be ready to help you.

It relaxed you in a way, but not entirely as that wasn't even what was on your mind in the first place.

On the other hand, Freddie's late. Stuck in traffic to be more precise. His leg bounces with stress as he hides his face under his hat and hood of his shirt. All he could think of is how he won't get there in time.

His driver is silent, bobbing his head to the soft music playing on the radio while he stares at all the cars in front of them.

When taking a quick peek at the lines of cars in front of him, Freddie's starting to lose hope, no matter how hard he tries to be more optimistic.

He unlocks his phone as his fingers itch to text you, but he freezes at the picture of his home screen. He still doesn't have to heart to change anything he had with you, not even his god damn home screen.

A picture just a few weeks old, before you even had told him about the job offer. You were smiling at him behind the camera while holding a puppy up to your chest, eyes bright and wide with excitement. And your smile... just as breathtaking as heart-wrenching.

Freddie blinks harshly at the painful happy memory and looks ahead of him as the car moves ever so slightly. He has to at least say bye to you.

"You're going to love it, I know it!" Your mom says excitingly.

She squeezes you into another hug and you close your eyes at the feeling of her squeeze. Your hands are shaking for some unknown reason so you hesitate before wrapping your arms around her as well.

"You'll meet so many new people and learn so much new stuff."

She's starting to sound more excited than you at this point, yet you don't do anything but a short nod against her shoulder.

When you pull away, you look down at your phone, expecting to see any sort of notification... but there's nothing.

"Hey, I want a hug too." Your friend says over everyone's voices as she elbows her way to you.

You offer her a broken grin and she sadly smiles at you, throwing herself and her arms around you. 

Freddie almost rips the door open as the Uber parks right in front of the airport's main doors, not even realizing that he hasn’t acknowledged the driver verbally ever since he got inside the vehicle. 

His feet feel heavy and his legs tired, even though they have no reason to feel that way, yet he drags them into the building.

He walks fast-paced through the airport, looking through every group of people. His eyes scanning every single backpack, shirt, head of hair, beanie. Everything to find you.

You unwrap your arms from around another one of your friends and she smiles at you while cupping your face in her hands.

"If you ever need anything, I'll be on the first plane to you." She tells you and you grin at her.

"Promise?" You ask.

"I promise."

She kisses your nose and that's able to make your scowl break onto a smile, making everyone around you feel a sudden weight being lifted off the air around them, relief.

You adjust your backpack on your shoulder as you look around the group to see if you've hugged everyone and it sure seems like it. Your heart tightens in your chest and you take a deep breath.

"Are you ready to go?" Your mom asks you, laying her hand over your shoulder.

"I think so." You tell her.

She gives you a light squeeze in comfort and looks over behind her to see the line where you need to do your check-in.

"Well, I believe you just need to go over there," She starts, looking back at you, "and get your-"

She stops talking out of nowhere and you lift your gaze from your bag at her. She’s staring at something behind you.

Your heart quickens and at the sudden bit of hope runs through you. You look over your shoulder and your eyes meet Freddie walking towards you.

He's wearing grey sweatpants, a black hoodie, a hat over his head, and the hood of his shirt over it. If it wasn't for all the light coming from the large windows beside you, you wouldn't have noticed his reddened eyes and the broken look he's giving you.

Without any sort of hesitation, you take the backpack from your shoulder and lay it on the ground, taking steps towards him.

Freddie meets you halfway, wrapping his arms around you as yours move up to wrap around his neck and cling onto him. He holds you by your waist securely and lifts you in the air to hold you as close to him as possible.

A soft sob you’ve been holding in falls from your lips, sounding slightly muffled by his clothes, and you lay your head over his shoulder. Freddie closes his eyes to stop his tears from coming up again, snuggling his face close to you.

Your family and friends, when seeing and noticing you two, let sad smiles appear on their faces and decide to step aside, giving you two some space and privacy.

"I ran the whole airport to find you." He says, some humor deep in his tone.

A small smile lifts over your face as you cry your eyes out again, more out of relief than anything else.

One of his vacant hands lays on the back of your head, almost as it holding steady and his thumb caresses the nape of your neck, softly and carefully.

"I thought you weren't coming."

You pull your face away from his shoulder and take a look at him, locking gazes with him. Your hands rest over his shoulders and Freddie looks back just as directly.

"I got stuck in traffic." He explains.

Your hands come up to his bearded cheeks, a small pout influencing your forced smile, and your thumbs caress his skin.

His hand also rises up and he quickly wipes the tears off your cheeks.

“Don’t cry, come on.” He tries to tell you in a whisper over the sound of everyone’s loud voices around the airport.

“Sorry.” You tell him almost automatically, voice slightly cracking.

“No, don’t be sorry.” He corrects you. “I just don’t want to see you sad.”

You sniffle, your hands still over his cheeks, and give him a little nod, almost as your way to acknowledge his words since you’re not really trusting your voice right now.

Freddie kisses your palm and you lift your hands to wrap your arms around his neck again. He holds you as well and tries to swallow the ball of emotions at the back of his throat as your body shakes as you let out another overpowering small wave of silent sobs.

His eyes water ever so slightly and he blinks the tears away. 

“Do you feel ready to go?” He asks against the fabric of your hoodie, leaning his head closer against you.

“No.” You tell him.

Freddie swears his whole body reacted to your words. Maybe it was because you said it so close to his ear and that was the reason why he felt all those chills, but in a way, he knows it’s more than that.

He gives you more squeeze and your heart aches over what it could possibly mean. His hand rests over your leg and he leans forward to motion you to get back on the ground.

You do as requested but your body almost acts as if in denial when you order it to let go of him.

Freddie’s hands lay loosely by your waist, while your arms still hug his neck close to you, making him have to lean down over you.

“You still want to go, right?” He asks.

He doesn’t even know if he’s just checking on you or if he’s just hoping for an answer that would mean that you could go back home with him, but either way, he awaits it.

“I think so.” You try to say, but your voice falls in a whisper.

He forces your arms a bit away from him and you lift your head from his shoulder, sending him a look so broken that Freddie swears it broke his heart even further. He stares back into your eyes silently and observes your expression.

Without thinking twice, you close the small space between you two and lay your lips against his.

The sweet kiss is more than welcomed by Freddie, who can’t help but feel the small bit of hope course through his veins. The relief he felt over feeling you just hugging him again was able to destroy so many doubts in his head, and now that you’re kissing him, it’s like he’s falling in love all over again.

His hand rests in the back of your head, not letting you pull away just yet from the kiss he has been thinking about and needing for the past few weeks.

When you do pull away, you two just feel reality wash over you like a ice cold bucket of water. It’s heartbreaking to the point of you to want to gasp for air. 

You feel horrible.

Freddie looks back into your eyes as he pulls away further and he feels his eyes well up in tears again. And this time, it doesn’t go unnoticed.

Why do you have to go?

Your hands lay over his shoulders even when he stands upright and his hand continues rested over your head, against your hair, feeling it under his fingers.

He breaks his gaze from your eyes to check the time on the screen a few meters behind you. You follow his gaze, hands now sliding and resting over his chest, and your heart skips a beat at how the time flew since you had gotten there.

You don’t have much time left.

Your eyes go back to Freddie and he looks absolutely broken. And that is not making anything feel any easier for you.

“I love you.” You decide to tell him, “So much.”

He looks down at you and brings his hands back to your cheeks, holding your face.

“I love you too.” He answers.

His voice is so much lower and so much weaker than you’ve ever heard it before, it feels like a nightmare. 

It feels so unreal and so scary that it seems like something only the back of your mind can create to terrify you.

You grip onto his shirt and pull him down to you again, ignoring how the tears are starting to come up your eyes once more. He does as you request him to and this time doesn’t even even think twice before kissing you.

Your lips press against his as he lays various small pecks onto them while holding your wet cheeks in his larger hands.

“Please don’t go.” You hear him plead after a kiss.

You reopen your eyes and stare back at his. A tear has been able to escape his eyes and you’re quick to wipe it with the end of your sleeves.

“I need to go, Freddie.” You tell him, fighting off a sob. “I already signed everything.”

Frederik lays his forehead against yours and looks back onto you.

“Then I’ll wait for you.”

No.

You shake your head at him as a sob escapes your lips again and he fights off your denial with a nod.

“I will. I’ll wait for that contract to end, or I’ll retire early, I don’t care.” He tells you, feeling some more tears wet his face again, “We’ll be together again. I’ll visit you as many times as I can. I promise.”

You wipe his tears and quickly lean back to just pull him into another hug.

You cling onto his shirt, feeling more powerless than anything. 

The pain you’re feeling due to leaving is so strong that you almost don’t feel like yourself. Your body is shaking, you feel light headed, your chest is aching as your heart beats just as fast as your mind runs through all your options. 

You didn’t want it to be like this. For you to feel so sad and in so much pain. 

Freddie holds you back before you pull back, squeezing you close to him.

“Honey, it’s time to go.”

Your mom’s voice.

You quickly wipe your tears and lift your head from Freddie’s shoulder. He lets you go and a sudden rush of cold fills your body. The lack of his warmth is almost able to freeze you.

After that and a harsh and hard swallow of all your emotions, you pull your parents and friends into another set of hugs. Rushing back to Freddie for a last hug.

His hand is over your back, moving up and down to try and comfort you. You lay your wet cheek over his shirt, not caring if you wet it. And as soon as you look at him, your chin over his chest, he kisses your cheek.

A last squeeze later and you step back, offering everyone a small smile. Freddie grabs your backpack from the ground and gives it over to you. You take it silently and look up at everyone once more.

A small broken whisper moves past your lips as a small ‘bye’ to everyone that is looking at you and you soon turn on your heels, and... leave.

You don’t look back. Scared that if you do, you’re not able to keep going. And with that, Freddie stays back, standing right next to your family and friends.

Your mom has her hand over his back, comforting him just like he just did to you, in silence. And as soon as you’re out of the view from everyone’s eyes, she doesn’t hesitate to pull him into a hug.

“You’ll be together again. I’m sure of it.” She reassures him.

I hate this, but it can’t stay on my drafts for longer than it already has. Hope you like it...?

[fruitcoops]

Hey I have a request for a fic , could you possibly do one in the teams POV for when coops gets outed? But only write it if you have time and if you want to. You are a huge inspiration and your work is amazing!

Thank you lovely, you’re so sweet! Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove, and this is based on the scene in Chapter 13

TW for forced outing, homophobia

Talker was just about to pull out his deck of cards while they waited when his phone began to buzz, and it didn’t stop. “Whoa,” Finn said to his right.

Cap went still. Not just still, but absolutely rigid, like a statue. He was staring vacantly at his phone screen without blinking—Talker wasn’t even sure he was breathing. His hands, steadier than anyone’s on a stick, were shaking. He fumbled for his own phone, swiping past the screen full of notifications and opening Twitter.

#SiriusBlackGay

#notmycaptain

#CaptainBottom

Next to him, Remus clutched at his throat, alabaster-pale with utter horror. The pictures…the pictures made him sick. Who would do this? he wondered as Remus swayed to the side and had to grab a barrier for support. Sirius was completely shut down. For the first time, Talker was speechless.

This was beyond invasive; it was wrong. It was cruel. Someone did this with no intention but to harm his friends, and that thought made Talker dizzy. “Sirius,” Pascal murmured, reaching out. Sirius jolted out of his daze, stepped back, and walked out.

Remus made a strangled noise as Pots came over and began asking him soft questions. Talker wasn’t sure Remus was registering anything at the moment if his wheezing breaths were anything to go by. The tears on his cheeks glimmered in the harsh airport light as Pots wrapped a firm arm around him and led him out, and then team was silent.

Talker’s mouth was dry as he turned to face the rest of them. “If any of you have a problem with Loops and Cap, we’re done. They need our support right now and if you’re homophobic—”

“Thomas,” Leo said quietly, his voice shaking. Wordlessly, he tugged his sleeve up to reveal a rainbow bracelet.

“Does anybody have a problem with this?” Pascal asked.

“Aside from the part where our friends just got outed and didn’t feel like they could tell us about their relationship?” Finn scrubbed a hand over his face and sniffled. “No.”

“Loops—” Talker faltered. “Pots is going to head to Cap’s house soon, and I don’t think Remus should be alone. I’m gonna bring over a…a something, fuck, I don’t know.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Whatever happens, we have to let them know we have their backs, and we have to shut down anyone who says otherwise.”

Murmurs of agreement rippled through the team. Across the airport, Talker saw strangers staring down at their phones in shock. You have no idea, he thought. None at all. “He left him,” Logan said, sounding hollow. “Cap, he—he just left Remus. Why would he do that?”

Finn reached for him, but he tensed and leaned away. Talker didn’t know what the situation was with them, but he figured it was better not to ask right now. “Sometimes we do thoughtless things when we’re afraid, mon fils,” Pascal said quietly. “Thomas is right. The best we can do is be there for them both.”

Kasey’s ringtone was startling in the heavy silence and he answered it immediately. “Nat. I know—I know, I saw. We’re still at the airport.” He paused, and Talker could hear Natalie’s voice faintly in the background. “Pots drove Remus home and Cap left. Yeah. Yeah, a couple of us were going to head over soon.”

Talker’s phone vibrated in his hand. Thomas, check Twitter, his sister texted. Call me asap.

“People are horrible,” Finn whispered as he scrolled through his timeline. “The things they’re saying—we can’t let them see this. Cap and Loops, they shouldn’t see this.”

“They already have,” Nado muttered. “Whoever took these pictures is about to get the ass kicking of a lifetime.”

Leo shook his head. “It’s an anonymous source.”

“Nobody stays anonymous forever online.”

“Guys,” Talker interrupted. “We’re public figures. We have our own accounts. Hype Squad?”

He couldn’t even remember who had come up with the Hype Squad in the first place, but it was one of his favorite Lions traditions. Whenever someone was having a bad day or was on the bench recovering from an injury, the rest of the team took to social media and hyped them up with positive posts. Now, they needed it more than ever.

Everyone scrambled for their phones and started typing—within a minute, his notifications went wild with posts in defense of Sirius and Remus. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard.

240 characters is not enough to say everything, he began. but it is enough to say this: Sirius Black is the best captain in the NHL and the best man I’ve ever met. Remus Lupin is an incredible person and one of my closest friends. Cap, Loops, we’re all here for you. #forevermycaptain

[pogueswrld]

I heard you’re looking for requests so how about makkari x fem reader where reader start distancing herself from makkari because she’s secretly learning sign language so she can confess her feelings for makkari and surprise her with a date

yess my first anon request!! tysm for this it was so much fun omg

*•.¸♡ silent love ♡¸.•*

pairing: makkari x fem!poc!reader

summary: reader and makkari have been friends —more than friends— for a while, but makkari feels like she might've done something wrong when the girl she likes starts avoiding her, maybe it's time for a confrontation.

warnings: mostly fluff, a bit of angst and some curses <3

note: I literally have nothing to say except enjoy this, I hope I lived up to your expectations nonnie <33 sorry it's not that long ://

When living an eternal life, it was easy to forget that you're alive, notice the little things and geniuenly enjoying them. It was something Makkari had fallen for occasionally, but then again y/n was always there to help her out of them.

They're by the beach, y/n had dragged Makkari out here to watch the sunset and spend some quality time together, claiming that her visiting her college friend in the Amazon for a few days caused her to miss her so much more than she thought.

Truth is, when Makkari told y/n she's going to see her friend, the girl was a bit bummed out, she didn't let it show of course, but dealing with Makkari's absence was a lot more difficult than she thought it'd be.

The first day was fine, she managed to not think about it too much and busy herself with cleaning around her house and going to work. By the third day though, she was starting to feel the little tug at her heart that yearned for Makkari's presences and her little comments about how boring her life was and how she should spicy it up by adopting a cat or going on adventures with her. By day five, the tug had turned into an ache and y/n spent all night texting the brunette, asking her about her trip and how she's doing, all while managing to ease her aching heart.

By the end of that week, y/n was more than excited to have her girlfriend back in her arms. She met up with her in the airport and Makkari had to physically hold herself back from speeding from between all of the people to hug the girl tightly. Y/n wiped a few stray tears after their hug and had to bite her lips to ease the giant smile breaking across her face, then she frowned when Makkari signed something.

The only thing y/n struggles with in her friendship with Makkari is understanding her. Makkari is deaf and uses sign language as her main way of communication with everyone, y/n included. She feels horrible when she doesn't understand the girl that makes her heart speed up from first time, so Makkari turned into typing what she wants to say on her phone then showing it to her, it wasn't the best way to do it but it was officiant.

Y/n shook her head in disdain and Makkari smiled gently, then she typed what she said on her phone and showed it to her, I've missed you it says and y/n grinned so wide Makkari could tell that it made her cheeks ache. "I've missed you more."

Barely a day later and y/n is forcing Makkari to watch the sunset with her.

Well, y/n wasn't actually watching the sunset, she had her eyes trained on the women with tied up locs beside her. Spending an entire week separated from Makkari made her realize somethings. For example, her undeniable lo—liking to the eternal, along with her desire to actually be with her.

She mind drifts off to that one time when they talked about their past lovers, Makkari claimed she was never too interested in anyone but maybe a friend and things didn't work out with him, she did mention she didn't care much for who she likes as long as their bond was mutual and geniuen.

She wonders if whatever they have is mutual, then she remembers that one time Makkari spent the night and they didn't sleep at all, they spent about an hour just simply admiring each other with just whispered passed between them. People who are just friends don't do that, not to her knowledge.

Y/n opens her mouth to say something, then shuts it almost immediately. What would she even say? Hey 'Kari, while you've been gone I've been doing some thinking and I realized that I really like you. Would you like to go out with me? She probably wouldn't even understand her because she knows she'd be speaking too fast.

Makkari turns towards her though, having felt the vibrations of her slight movement, and cocks an eyebrows at her questioningly. The girl only smiles and shakes her head at her, not wanting to expose herself just yet. There's a plan already brewing somewhere in her brain already, but today is about spending time with Makkari, that's what she's going to do.

────────────────────────────

Makkari hadn't seen y/n in days, she was growing extremely worried. For herself or the girl she's grown attached to, she's not too sure.

She hadn't seen her since the day they hung out together, after watching the sunset they had dinner together, then went for a few hours' walk and had some ice cream before she walked her to her house. She did reach out to hang out again but y/n keeps rejecting her request and Makkari was growing to believe that maybe she's done something to push her away, to upset her or something.

Spending her time holed up in her apartment thinking about the possibilities of having no contact with the girl was driving her insane, so she sped across her apartment and grabbed her jacket before speeding across the town she's spending time in to get to her crush's house.

It was an impulsive decision and Makkari preferred continue with it before chickening out, where did this pulse of boldness came from she has no idea, but she will take advantage of it.

Though as seconds passed while she remained standing just outside y/n's house, she started getting second thoughts. Maybe this wasn't so smart, maybe she should just go back home until y/n reaches out for her, maybe—

The door opens and Makkari opens and closes her mouth trying to come up with excuses as to why she was here, but then the sight of y/n takes her breath away, like it had so many times, and she doesn't even remember why she was here in the first place.

She looked casual, with her hair tied up and her body drowned in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, saving her from the cold breeze that occasionally brushed through the air.

She seemed very surprised to see Makkari, she blinks a few times and closes he rparted lips, "'Kari, What're you doing here? Are you okay?"

For a moment, Makkari considers lying. Oh yeah, I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to come back to say hi since we haven't talked in a few days. She would buy it, and she would go along with it and look at her with those eyes that beg her to say something about anything that's been happening between them but Makkari doesn't say that, her hands intertwining in front of her and she's letting out a breath.

Maybe it's time for a confrontation?

She bites her lip then pulls out her phone, she's typing so fast y/n doesn't see her fingers moving anymore. She furrows her eyebrows and then gulps when Makkari shows her the screen, did I do something wrong? You've been ignoring me.

It wasn't a question, but a clear statement. She wasn't accusing her, she was pointing out her action. She couldn't lie her way out of this even if she wanted to and y/n looks back up at her with hesitancy. She nibbles at her bottom lip and whispers a soft "fuck it" under her breath.

Makkari furrows her brows in confusion when y/n starts making strange motions with her hands and her face clears out when she realizes it's a sloppy "I'm sorry" spelling out in letters.

There's a soft, very small smile tugging at the edges of her lips when y/n sighs in frustration when she realizes that she was probably unsuccessful with her first attempt at trying to sign. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I've been— I've been trying to learn this, sign language, for you. So you don't have to type away at your phone and for me to understand you better, I'm sorry."

Makkari couldn't help the grin ripping through her face at her words, she almost reaches out and smashes her lips against the girl's but when she's doing it again, the motions with her hands, her attention is diverted to them instead.

It takes her a minute, maybe two, to understand exactly what she's trying to say. "I like you, a lot, and I was wondering if maybe you want to go out with me? Like on a date?"

Makkari is nodding as soon as she understands, she meets y/n's eyes and is nodding again. She makes a motion that says "yes" and y/n releases a relieved sigh followed by a grin.

They're both just standing there, on y/n's porch with wide smiles on their faces, staring at each other with this soft glint in their eyes that explained that they were more than just friends, and they weren't a tad bit ashamed of it.

[writers-block246]

Can I have a smut shot of kyoya tamaki hikaru and kaoru?? :3

Ahhh, my favorite boys. Yes, yes you can, anon :)

Tamaki Suoh

It was another Friday afternoon, meaning your boyfriend was still at Ouran Academy. He was hosting, as per usual, which left you waiting for him for hours. You practically flopped on the bed once you got back to Tamaki’s house, pulling out your laptop to watch Netflix to pass the time. You pick out a new movie called Only.

About an hour passes, and you hear a door squeak open from downstairs. Tamaki. You smiled to yourself, knowing your boyfriend would be up soon.

The bedroom door opened fairly quickly, your eyes darting to the handsome blonde in front of you. Although, he wasn’t being his usual cheerful and bubbly self.

“Hey, baby, how was your d—” you began to say softly, being cut off by Tamaki’s body colliding on your own. You wrap your arms around him as his head nuzzled into the space between your neck and left shoulder.

“Horrible,” he sighed solemnly. You ran your hands over his back.

“What happened?”

“Just… those shady twins,” he grumbled. “They embarrassed me in front of everyone today.”

“Aw, baby, I’m sorry,” you softly spoke. He then sat up, causing you to lean back against the headboard, “do you wanna talk about it?”

He shook his head.

“No, but thank you, my love.”

You two sat quietly for a few moments before a great idea popped into your head. You sat up slightly, putting your hand on Tamaki’s thigh.

“Why don’t I cheer you up?” you smirked as you saw Tamaki look down at your hand, a blush forming across his cheeks.

“I-uh—oh,” he stuttered as your hand moved up his leg and to his dress pants, your fingers toying with his belt.

“Shhh, baby... let me help you...”

“Um... oh, okay,” he mumbled.

Deciding not to tease him, you undid his belt and removed him from his pants. Taking him in your hand, you began to stroke his shaft. It wasn’t long before you felt him harden in your hand, making you smirk.

“Princess,” he groaned.

You gave him a coy look from underneath your lashes.

“Yes, daddy?” You questioned.

At that, his hips stuttered. You could tell his resolve was beginning to weaken. I just want him to relax, he’s had such a hard day.

“Fuck, tu es tout pour moi,” he groaned.

Oh, you thought. I have no idea what he’s saying, but it’s so sexy when he speaks French.

Giving a slight moan at the grumble of his voice, you began placing kittenish licks on his shaft. Teasingly, you ran your tongue along his ridge. Not long after, a hand found its way into your hair. Becoming impatient, Tamaki gave a gentle tug, encouraging you to take him into your mouth. Making eye contact with him once more, you take him all the way down to the base. From above you, you heard him release a deep groan.

“Fuck, my beautiful girl. Just like that.”

The rumble of his voice shot heat straight to your core. Filled with a new sense of determination, you began to bob your head up and down. His pleased whines and groans floating down to you did nothing but encourage you. You swirled your tongue around him, and, reflexively, his hips jerked. Tears welled in your eyes, and Tamaki began to panic. “I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to. Are you okay?” The worry in his voice made your heart melt. He is so sweet, you thought. Smiling at him comfortingly, you took him back into your mouth, sucking him with vigor. Soon, you felt him relax once more. It wasn’t long before the hand in your hair tightened, and you could tell he was nearing his release.

You doubled your efforts, desperate to make him come. He whined, muttering praises under his breath. His hips jerked, and you felt hot bursts of come fill your mouth. Swallowing, you rose on your knees to be face to face with Tamaki.

“How was that, daddy?” You asked coyly.

Panting, he gave a satisfied smile.

“Thank you, darling. I really needed that.”

“Of course baby,” you replied. “I hate seeing you upset.”

“Your turn?,” he questioned, looking a little hopeful.

You laughed. “No sweetheart, tonight was about you.”

He looked conflicted. “Are you sure, because I don’t mind, I swear. You know I love taking care of you.”

God, what a sweet boy. “Yes, I’m sure, honey,” you murmured with a lovesick smile.

He cupped your face and gave you a loving kiss.

“Je t'aime, angel,” he murmured with an adoring smile on his face.

Giggling, you replied: “Je t'aime, my prince.”

Kyoya Ootori

You sighed as you kicked off your heels at the door, it felt great to be home after a long night out with your friends, and now you just wanted to go to sleep with your loving boyfriend, Kyoya.

You quietly walk upstairs, just in case he is already asleep. Upon opening the door, you see the silhouette of Kyoya in front of the bright laptop screen.

“Goddamn it,” you heard him grumble under his breath, “how did he go over our budget again?”

Tamaki, you thought. You knew how reckless he could be with the Host Club’s money.

“Another budget issue?” You quietly asked, wrapping your arms across Kyoya’s shoulders.

He was still tense even at your touch.

“Yeah,” he muttered as his fingers were typing away at the keyboard, “the damn idiot went overboard yet again, and I’m the one who has to resolve the issue.”

“I mean, you could always sell more promotional items, right? I’m sure girls would love to pay for that.”

“Yes, but that means drawing money out of the school’s budget.

“Oh... right.”

He sighed out of frustration and slammed his laptop shut, turning his chair in order to look at you. You were still in your tight, low V-necked dress. He ran his hands down your sides until they landed on your waist.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes? Where did you head off to?”

You blushed slightly. Kyoya didn’t normally show much affection, but when he did, it had a huge effect on you.

“Didn’t I tell you I went out with some friends? We went to this new club downtown to dance.”

He bit his lip, his grip on your waist tightening slightly as he guided you to sit on his lap, faces just inches apart.

“So, you’re telling me other people saw you like this? I thought that body was only to be shown off to me, Y/N...”

You blushed. “I’m sorry, sir.”

“Hmmm, I think it’s time I showed you who you belong to.”

His deep voice had your knees weakening.

“What, what do you mean, sir?” You nervously replied.

Instead of responding, you felt his large and warm hand settle on your upper thigh.

“O-oh,” you stuttered.

“Sh, baby. I’m taking what’s mine.”

His hand spread your legs and lifted up your dress. He teased your inner thighs with his fingers, and then began rubbing circles on your clothed pussy. You gave a low moan, and he chuckled in response.

“Please sir.”

“Please what, babygirl. Use your words,” he smirked.

You whined, “sir, please. I need more.”

“Need more what? Come on baby, you can do better than that.”

Your resolve faded away, and you moaned. “More of you, sir. Please, give me your fingers.”

Kyoya chuckled once more. “I guess that can be arranged, baby girl.”

His fingers moved up your thigh and pulled your panties aside. You whined and wriggled your hips, desperate for some pressure. He moaned at your eagerness, and finally gave in, running his fingers up and down your slit. You groaned and pushed yourself down against him. Sliding in a finger, he moaned at your wetness.

“Look at you, baby. So wet already. What would your friends think if they knew how much of a slut you are?”

You couldn’t help but moan at his words. His deep voice and dirty talk never failed to make you tremble. At your response, he began to finger you roughly in his frustration, causing you to cry out. You gripped the arms of the chair tightly, turning your knuckles white. He added another finger, and you moaned helplessly.

“That’s it, my little slut, moaning so prettily for me.” His voice had dropped an octave, and it made your thighs clench.

Determined to make you scream his name, he began to speed up his movements. You squealed in response, and pushed your hips down onto his hand. It wasn’t long before you felt yourself tighten around his fingers, and Kyoya gave a deep groan at the feeling.

“That’s it, baby. Come for me. Come for your daddy,” he murmured into your ear.

At his words, you gave one last loud moan and came, clenching his fingers tightly. As you came down from your high, Kyoya stroked you softly, helping you along.

When you finally came, you opened your eyes and met his beautiful ones. You cuddled into him, sighing softly.

“Oh, babygirl. Did you really think we were done?”

Hikaru Hitachiin

You had two hours before you had to pick up Hikaru, your boyfriend, from the airport. So, you decide to do what any normal girlfriend would do: send him some revealing pictures.

You quickly undress out of your T-shirt and sweatpants, and rush to your dresser. You pull out a red, lacy, strappy lingerie, which happened to be Hikaru’s favorite.

Once you put on some light makeup and do your hair, you pull out your phone to take a couple of photos. The picture you select to send to him, however, is a simple mirror shot  with your hand slightly in your underwear.

*Attachment: 1 Image*

You: I wish you were the one touching me ;)

About an hour passed, and by that time you had changed into proper clothes. You are walking out to your car when you hear your phone buzz.

Hikaru: Fucking hell Y/N, you better be ready for me.

You smirk, knowing you have him exactly where you want him.

You finally reach your destination, heading for the gate where his brother told you he would be. You sit down in a nearby row of chairs, browsing through your phone for a few minutes until a pair of feet come into your point of view. You look up to see none other than your boyfriend.

“Oh hey, babe, how was your flight?”

He looks flustered, a slight blush rising on his cheeks.

“My flight?!” He near-whispers, “we’ve got a bigger issue to worry about other than my flight!”

You chuckle, your eyes darting to his pants.

“Oh really? What is the bigger issue?”

He rolls his eyes before kneeling down to your level, whispering a little more quietly.

“Did you not see the issue? I had to take off my sweatshirt to cover myself during whole flight, and it was freezing on that plane!”

You look back down at your phone with a smirk on your face.

“Huh, I don’t know what you’re talking about,”

You say playfully.

He grabs your hand, quickly pulling you to your feet.

“Fine,” he starts pacing before he drags you along, “then I guess I have to show you what I’m talking about, yeah?”

You giggle as Hikaru mutters curses under his breath, looking around as if he was searching for some place to go.

“Finally! Christ!” he shouts, dragging you into a unisex bathroom and into one of the stalls.

A mischievous look settles on your face.

“Oh, Hikaru... a bathroom? We need to solve this issue in the bathroom?”  

He rolls his eyes.

“Yes, Y/N, you’re the one who caused the issue for me with that tease of a picture.”

“Uh huh,” you start, moving your hands to his waist as you toy with the elastic of his sweatpants, “I was only showing you how much I missed your touches, and now I want to pay that forward.”

One hand remains on Hikaru’s waist as the other makes its way to his face to cup his cheek. You pull him into a kiss, at which one point Hikaru nips your bottom lip in hopes for entrance. You happily oblige. Your left hand slowly makes its way under his sweatpants and into his boxers.

Taking him into your hand, you begin to expertly stroke his shaft, hearing him give a low moan at your motions. This encouraged you to speed up, making him putty in your hands.

After a few minutes, his groans grow louder and he begins to tense. Knowing he is about to come, you drop to your knees and take him into your mouth. With one last shout, he grabs your hair and comes into your mouth.

Swallowing, you look up at him. He gives you an amused glance.

“What? I was trying to contain the mess. We are in public after all.”

Kaoru Hitachiin

The bouncing of Kaoru’s leg definitely does not help him focus on the teacher in front of him. His mind is running a mile a minute due to the scandalous little rendezvous you and him shared last night. In fact, the memories are still clear in his mind as his fingers brush against his collarbone.

Flashback

“Hikaru,” Kaoru near-whispered, “keep still! I don’t want to fall!”

“I’m trying! Tell Y/N to hurry up and open the door, or else I’m gonna drop you. My shoulders can’t take this forever!”

Kaoru rolled his eyes as he hoisted himself up onto your balcony and peered into your room. You were brushing your hair when you suddenly saw your boyfriend’s reflection in your vanity’s mirror.

You rushed over to your sliding glass door, letting Kaoru in. You stifled a giggle as you two sat on the bed.

“Kaoru! When you texted me you were gonna come over, I didn’t think you actually meant it!”

“Well, I mean, your place is on the way,” he nervously replied.

You smiled at him adoringly. “The way? And where exactly were you headed at two in the morning?”

He gave an embarrassed cough, averting his eyes from yours. “I just really missed you, okay?”

You placed your hand on his, running your thumb back and forth across it.

“I missed you too, baby,” you murmured.

Kaoru’s cheeks tinted pink as he made eye contact with you once again. Your faces gradually moved closer, as if something was pushing you both.

Your lips finally interlocked, while Kaoru’s hands landed on your waist, pulling you closer. Your arms draped across his shoulders. Your tongue barely touched his bottom lip, begging for entrance, which you were granted. You felt Kaoru pull you close to his chest as he laid against the headboard. You giggled against his lips before you slowly pulled away.

He gave you a confused look, to which you replied with a smirk. Your lips went to the side of his neck, pressing soft kisses as you trailed down to his collarbone. Kaoru let out a hum, and you knew you found his sweet spot.

You took the skin in between your lips and gently sucked, hearing him softly moan at the touch. You took this opportunity to nip the area a couple of times, quickly running your tongue over it as your saliva relieved the pain.

End of Flashback

“Mr. Hitachiin, do we need to have a chat after class?”

Kaoru looks up and quickly shakes his head.

“No sir! All good here!”

3:00 comes quickly, and instead of heading to Music Room 3 as he normally does, Kaoru heads directly out of the doors of Ouran Academy.

The next thing he knows, he is at your front door, frantically knocking until you finally open it and let him inside.

“Kaoru? Aren’t you supposed to be—“

He cuts you off with his lips meeting yours, and almost immediately you feel his hands run through your hair. You feel him gently push you until your back is against the door.

“I’ve been thinking about this all day, sweetheart,” you hear him mumble under his breath. “I wanna try something if that’s okay with you?”

You quickly nod, knowing words would take too long to describe how much you want him.

And with that, Kaoru drops to his knees, giving you a smirk before lifting up your dress to your knees. You giggle softly as you feel his teeth pull at the elastic of your underwear, which slowly drop to your feet.

“You sure you’re okay with this Y/N?” You hear ask as his fingers begin to tease your inner thighs.

“Yes. Please, Kaoru. I need you.”

He doesn’t hesitate for much longer before his tongue licks a stripe up your pussy, making you shudder at his touch. He speeds up his movements as his fingers work circles on your clit, earning him a soft moan. This isn’t enough motivation for him though, so his tongue begins to fixate on your clit. His lips start to suck gently, and you can feel your orgasm coming quickly.

“K-Kaoru...I’m gonna...”

You hear him hum against your clit, the vibration shooting through you as your orgasm almost peaks.

You immediately hike up your dress with one hand, your eyes finally coming into view of the top of his head. The other hand gently grasps his auburn hair, to which Kaoru lets out a low moan. It isn’t long before you come, spilling your juices into Kaoru’s mouth. He looks up at you and licks his lips, but his face is quickly overtaken with a nervous look.

“D-did I do alright?”

You chuckle.

“Oh, you did more than alright.”

-Admin Maddie 

[generallybarzy]

every side of you

mat barzal x reader

summary: every now and then, you shut down into a pit of hopelessness, of anxiety and self-loathing, and you were determined to hide that side of you from Mat, in fear that it would drive him away.

an: alrighty, so this is a shorter fic than usual but it’s really personal and important to me as it hits close to home as something I deal with. It started out as just a blurb I wrote as a sort of “therapy” to comfort myself when this type of thing would happened, but I figured I’d share it here since others probably go through the same thing.

warnings: anxiety attack, self-loathing, depressive episode, etc.

word count: ~3k

Broken.

There wasn’t really a better word to describe what you were feeling- exhausted, hopeless, anxious, unmotivated, finished- but broken might be the easiest way to describe it. In a world full of things that upset, worried and disturbed you, there was nothing you hated more than the hopeless, empty feeling you would get every now and then when something seemed overwhelmingly impossible- no matter if it was a task at work or something as simple as just waking up and getting out of bed in the morning. And because you were too overwhelmed to try or even get out of bed, your own voice nagged away at you in your head, calling you names. Weak, stupid, lazy, everyone’s so sick of you. Why can’t you get your shit together?

It didn’t happen that often, really, especially since you started dating Mathew. There was little room for something to overwhelm you to the point of you crying and closing yourself off from the world when you had such a sweet, caring boyfriend to make sure you’re feeling okay at all times. Not that you’d ever told him or were planning on telling him about these depressive, tired moods you fall into. No, that was a really ugly side of you.

The side of you that stayed up until 4 in the morning working tirelessly just because you were overwhelmed and stressed to the point of not being able to close your eyes. The side of you that didn’t eat properly for days on end because you were too tired to drag yourself to the kitchen. The side of you that would shut down and not contact anyone for days, just because you didn’t want to sound annoying or needy. The side of you that kept telling yourself “You’re a burden, you’re annoying everybody, you’re so fucking weak.” The side of you that would stress out to the point of being physically ill, leaving you to cocoon yourself in blankets with headaches and nausea.

You didn’t need Mat to know about that side of you.

Ever since Mat came around, you had been feeling perfectly fine, so it didn’t seem necessary to admit to him this… problem you used to run into. He had been busy enough, with the hockey season starting soon after you started dating, so you never found the need to tell him.

But now, you hadn’t spoken to him in two days. At least, you think it’s been two days. You didn’t know what day it was. You didn’t know day from night anymore.

It was always a gradual build up before you fell apart, and this time- the first since you started dating Mat, you had nearly forgotten what it was like. It was nearing the end of his western road trip when you started getting bad. Mat was far out west playing hockey and you were getting overwhelmed balancing work and school all alone when something in you just snapped. For two days, everyone’s little comments and snarky words wore away at you; you were stuck in a constant cycle of wake up, work, sleep, repeat, most of the day spent huddled on the couch under the same dirty blankets, with a cup of tea cooling off before you could even drink it. You were stuck in a cycle of tears, nausea, and headaches, crying because your head hurt, your head hurting because of how much you were crying- it was horrible. On the third day, you actually called off of work, too drained and hopeless to even drag yourself out of bed. Mat always found time to text and call you during road trips, and you always loved to hear his voice. But, somewhere along the way, you stopped answering him.

You couldn’t explain exactly why you didn’t answer, but you were too tired to respond the first time, and then each time his name popped up on your phone, asking if you were alright and begging you to answer him, you felt so horrible, so guilty, and something in your mind reasoned that you’d rather stay silent than deal with his questions; rather lose him than reveal to him this side of you. You didn’t want to sound annoying, you didn’t want him to think you were overreacting.

Wow, he’s gonna think you’re such a fucking baby. You can’t even handle work and school? You need someone to hold your hand through life? That must be so annoying to him.

He was getting back from the trip today, you knew he was going to come straight to your apartment from the airport, and he was going to see you like this, and he was gonna leave you because of it. He didn’t have time to deal with someone as screwed up as you.

You’d spent all morning- having called off work- huddled up in your bedroom with the blinds closed, hiding under the blankets, just trying to stop crying. How could you just wake up and already be so overwhelmed? A few hours later, you managed to drag yourself out of the room and make yourself some tea- thinking it would soothe your raw throat- before collapsing on the couch in tears where you stated for the rest of the day, and into the night, apparently. God, you felt so exhausted.

In the midst of your self-loathing, your phone started vibrating on the coffee table and the screen lit up with 'Mat🖤'. You didn’t have the energy or willpower to reach out and grab it, and even if you did, you wouldn’t be able to form the right words for him. What would you say? What could you say? "Hey, sorry for ignoring you for two whole days! I'm having a breakdown so I couldn't even gather the energy to text you back once! I'm mentally unstable! Break up with me!"

It stopped ringing.

And then you heard heavy footsteps speeding down the apartment building hallway and frantic knocking at the door.

“(Y/N)? Are you in there? Please answer me.” Just hearing Mat’s voice on the other side of the door made you choke up and let out a strangled sob. He heard, and the panic in his voice was obvious as he called out again. “Baby? What’s wrong?” You could hear him fumbling around for the spare key you’d given him for emergencies.  

Before you could process what exactly was happening, your boyfriend was stepping into the room. After only a few seconds of trying to figure out what was wrong and where his girlfriend was, his eyes landed on your figure on the couch, and you heard his heavy duffel bag drop by the door and his footsteps rush over.

"Holy shit." He knelt down in front of where you lay huddled on the couch, stroking his fingers over your tear-stained cheeks and running his wide eyes over you, trying to figure out what was wrong and if you were physically hurt in any way. "(Y/N), baby, what’s wrong? Please say something."

At the first familiar sight of Mat, his soft dark hair a mess from rushing here from the airport, his pretty hazel eyes worried and searching and, you shook your head, your emotions squeezing your throat shut. Forming words would be a miracle at this point. "Can't." Your voice came out raw, strained, from little use in the past few days, and the tears started flowing as you reached out weakly for him.

So he pulled you- blankets and all- into his arms.

You breathed a sigh that you didn't realize you had been holding since he left, since he last held you, and all your walls crumbled. You sobbed into his dress shirt- he still hadn't changed from the flight- and clung onto his jacket. He smelled so familiar and comforting, like warmth, like home, like Mat,  and you weren't planning on moving your face from the crook of his neck any time soon. You had half expected him to yell at you for ignoring him, to break up with you right here, but no. "Shh, shh, I'm here." His hand cupped your head against him, fingers carding through your hair in a way he knew calmed you down. He'd seen you cry before but… nothing like this. "Take your time."

His heart ached, his heart broke watching you break down against his chest. Part of him felt so guilty, though logically he knew that was unnecessary. Should he have tried harder to contact you? Should he have pushed more to try and get in touch? Were you upset with him? Did something happen? He couldn’t deny how much he was panicking inside, but he held it together for you. He could tell you needed something steady right now.

Minutes passed like this- you, wrapped in blankets and pulled into Mat's chest, breathing in his scent and feeling his heartbeat thumping under your ear, Mat holding you tight, arms tucked around you and face pressed against the top of your head- before your sobs calmed into shaky, shallow breaths. "Hey. Breathe with me, babe."

You mimicked the sound of Mat's breathing, your chests expanding in rhythm against each other. "There we go." His hands smoothed over your back and you could feel him physically relaxing with you. His lips trailed against your hairline for a few moments before he leaned back, gently laying you back on the couch with a soft look in his eyes. “Wait here a second, I’ll be right back.” He left for the kitchen, and you could hear him kick his shoes off on the way. When he returned, he held a glass of water up to your lips, instructing you to take small sips and watching carefully as you drank. He sat back on the couch with you, pulling you into his arms delicately. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

“I’m just… “ You swallowed, your throat still feeling dry and raw from crying. “Tired.”

“Babe, I’ve seen tired. This is a lot more.” He prodded gently, his eyes showing nothing but care.

“I just... get like this every now and then."

"Every now and then?” His eyebrows furrowed, his voice taking a tone you’d never heard him use before: delicate, scared, careful. “Does this happen often?"

"Used to."

“Shit…  Has it… has it ever  happened since we started dating? Or any other time that I could’ve been there to help you?” You shook your head against him and he breathed out a sigh of relief. It felt good to know that at the very least this hasn’t happened before at a time when he could've prevented it. He wasn’t sure what he would’ve done, learning you’d been like this before while he was blissfully unaware of the state you were in. Suffering silently with an ignorant boyfriend. How shitty of a boyfriend was he if he didn't even know you were having a hard time? “Okay. Okay. Do you know what caused it?”

You breathed him in, wiping the tears from your eyes as you gathered your thoughts.

Mat felt you struggling to explain yourself and kissed your forehead. “It’s alright if you can’t explain it.”

"Just... Everything becomes overwhelming. Work, classes, my friends. I feel so… exhausted and alone… I stopped communicating with anyone. It’s too overwhelming to talk to anyone. I’m so anxious and hopeless. I feel like everyone is annoyed with me. I feel like shit. I feel like a fucking burden."

Mat quieted down for a few moments, letting your words sink in. Holy shit. You felt like a burden. He made it his life’s purpose as your boyfriend to make sure you never felt bad about yourself, and here you were so overwhelmed and hopeless you were shutting yourself off from the world. He felt miserable, he felt like he’d failed as a boyfriend. "Fuck.” His mind was racing. Was it something he did? Did he add to your anxiety? Did it happen because of him or in spite of him? How could he fix it? Well, for now he only knew one thing he could do. “Let's get you to bed first, alright? Then we'll talk about this.”

He peeled you out of your cocoon of blankets and lifted you into his arms easily, letting you dry your tears and silence your whimpers on the collar of his shirt, not caring how wet it got. When he finally laid you down in bed and tried to move away to change, you latched onto him, and he had to coo to you softly for your grip to loosen. "Hey, hey, lemme get out of these clothes, then I'll cuddle you, alright?" You weren't sure you'd ever heard his voice get this gentle and soft before, but it made you warm and helped to ease the anxiety inside of you.

"Mhm. Okay."

You watched with wet eyes as he smiled and pushed one strand of your hair aside with a single finger. He stripped out of his dress shirt and pants as quickly as he could before climbing back in beside you, pulling you into his chest and pulling the blankets up around the two of you. He lay a palm across your cheek, his thumb right under your eye to catch any tears, and pulled you in for a delicate kiss. "How do you feel?”

How did you feel? You felt scared Mat was upset with you for ignoring him, guilty for making him worry so much, but overall your anxiety had lessened ever since the moment he pulled you into his arms.

“I’m… better. I’m better now that you’re here.”

“Good.” He smiled against your skin, breathing in your scent. Shit, he had missed seeing you, hearing your voice. “Alright, baby. Obviously you've had a pretty hard time while I was gone. When did you start feeling like this?”

“I- I don’t know. It’s a build up. Maybe the last few days?”

“When you started missing calls?” You nodded, staring at his neck and not wanting to look him in the eyes. You were so humiliated that he was seeing this side of you. The broken side.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, baby. I get it. You said everything was getting overwhelming and you were getting anxious? And that you felt like everyone was annoyed with you? That's why you didn't answer me? You thought I was annoyed?"

You shrugged, taking a breath to steady yourself. "I was stressed and crying, and missed so many calls because I was crying… and then I ignored you because… I guess I thought you’d be angry with me.”

“Absolutely not.” His lips glided across your forehead. “I wasn’t angry, not even for a second. I was worried. You worried me, babe. You should’ve just told me what was happening. I would’ve tried to help.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I just...” You felt the tears start up again and Mat noticed too, and quickly pulled you in to lay kisses across your cheeks. "I overthink things when I’m anxious."

“Hey, no, don't apologize."

You felt his hands rub up and down your back, and that soft display of affection gave you enough confidence to form words. “I didn't know how to explain why I missed all those calls without telling you about…this. I didn't want to let you see this side of me. I thought you would break up with me. So it was easier to just ignore you."

"No, no, no, what?” he shook his head.  “Why would I break up with you? Over this?"

"Because I'm… overreacting? Unstable?"

Mat went silent, his arms tightening their grip around you. "...What?"

"You don't deserve someone so broken, who you have to keep putting back together."

"Listen, listen, listen." He tilted your face up to look at him, forcing you to be eye-to-eye with him. When you finally met his pretty, hazel eyes, you found nothing but love. No annoyance, no anger, only love, care, and urgency. "Do you have any idea how scared I was when I didn’t hear from you? When I walked in and saw you crying on the couch? That was like, one of my worst nightmares.” His voice cracked a bit. Not hearing from you had been hard on him. He could barely pay attention to the games, and it had shown in his playing. “Please, please don’t keep things from me because you’re scared of how I’ll react. I love you. You’re not overreacting. You're not unstable. You're not a burden. You're not broken, baby. Even if this side of you isn’t great, it's just another part of you that makes you, you. And I love you, so we'll manage this together, alright?”

“Together?”

“Yeah, together.” He laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood. “I’m your boyfriend, we’re together, so you never have to go through anything alone, ever again. I’m always here. We’ll figure out some way to get through this. I promise.”

He leaned in to press a kiss against your mouth, all the urgency and care for you spilling out from his lips as they moved against yours. You would’ve stayed like that forever, but an aching in your head had you pulling back and burying your face in your boyfriend’s neck. 

“We can think about getting a doctor’s opinion, or get some at home activities or something to help keep you calm while I’m gone, or-”

“Tomorrow, Maty? My head hurts. Just hold me.”

"Anything you need, babe.” He readjusted your position in bed gently, careful not to hurt your head even more, and you ended up sprawled out on top of him with your face directly on his chest, his arms around your back. “I'm never going to judge you, so don't try to shut me out. Especially not when you're going through this. I don't want you to feel alone in this relationship, ever."

“I love you so much, Mat. Thank you for helping me calm down.”  

"I love you, baby. I love you. Good or bad, I love every side of you."

--

“Hear you falling and lonely, cry out:

"Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?

The end of the day, I'm helpless

Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?“

-Someone To Stay, Vancouver Sleep Clinic

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Not dead yet!: Marking my 2-year anniversaries

On Sunday I marked my two-year “cancerversary” of my diagnosis and on Tuesday a member of the support group I co-founded (for young women who are stage 4) died. Like me, she had triple-negative breast cancer. Like me, she was diagnosed stage 4 two years ago. Like me, she had exhausted several types of treatment (because triple-negative is a beast) and was looking for the one that would work. She asked me about Saci (Sassy!) and proposed trying it to her doctor less than a week before she died. Nine days before she passed she joined our Sunday cancer yoga group from bed at the hospital to join our meditation exercises. Like me, she remained confident and positive and absolutely refused to give up hope. (Like me, she also wore her hair purple sometimes.)

There were many things that are unlike about us too. She had two teenage children who now don’t have their mother. She was twelve years older than me and had had Hodgkin’s before she had breast cancer--even worse luck than mine, to triumph over one cancer only to get this diagnosis. Unlike me, she wasn’t strong enough for Saci, the only targeted triple-negative line of treatment, because her body had reacted badly to immunotherapy. She was in the hospital for two weeks with somewhat mysterious symptoms all of which added up to her body shutting down. On Saturday she went home with her family in hospice care. 2 days later she was gone.

It’s not usual for things to go so fast. Typically, doctors, patients, and family members all have some advance warning and patients spend a solid amount of time in hospice care. I am sure that people will ask me why it went that way for her. I’m asking myself why too, since it is so shocking and so entirely unfair. The fact that it can happen that way at all is frightening to me as a fellow patient since it’s the scenario of nightmares. That really could someday be me. No one ever wants to think that--and I cannot live my life focused on it either--but it has to be acknowledged as a possibility.

[More below the cut about memories from 2 years ago today and hopes for the future. Also, an invitation to contribute to some writing if you want.]

Today, January 28th, is the 2-year anniversary of my stage 4 diagnosis. In a way, it feels more significant than my initial cancer news. I had four days being horrified, but thinking that I would get through this as a phase in my life. It would be terrible--I’d have a double mastectomy, scorched-earth chemo, radiation, anything to get rid of the cancer--but then it would be done. On the Monday following my first set of CT scans I learned that that was not true. My lungs were full of tumors. (Later, after lots of waiting, MRIs and biopsies, I'd find that my lymph nodes, spine, and liver were affected too. I still have tumors in all those locations, but no new ones.) I wrote a description of getting that news in an email to a friend over the summer, after I had read Anne Boyer’s "The Undying”:

“The worst part about the lung tumors for me was that my dad had gotten a very early flight and I learned the news while he was in the air. My mom told me we could not text or tell him on the phone, that he would need to be with us both. So I drove to Newark straight from the doctor's office. It was in the teens outside and windy as we slogged to the baggage area where we were to meet. I saw my dad in his warmest and ugliest puffy orange down jacket, looking small in it, forlorn and horribly vulnerable. I fell into his arms, thinking at least that airports were such horrible places, so impersonal and banal, that no one would look twice. 'It's in my lungs,' I said into his shoulder so that I would not have to see his face. I was crying into the jacket that somehow smelled of winter cold even though he had been inside for hours. 'Please, Daddy. Fix it, please.' I spoke like a child because, on some very deep level, I think I really did still believe that my father could fix anything. I was embarrassed, though, and so I tried to stem my tears as he put his big hand on the back of my head and said, 'Oh sweetie, we'll get through this. We will.' I knew that really he could do nothing--and that this was his nightmare of powerlessness--and so I sniffed and blinked and I did not let myself cry again until June.”

Two years later this moment seems as if it just happened. The impact of my diagnosis on everyone dear to me, and especially my parents, is one of the worst things about it for me. We all know that there’s only so much “better” I can get, with the current science, and we’re all playing for time while the research moves forward towards something better, something that would make this a treatable chronic condition. I go back and forth, emotionally, on how likely I think that is and how good my position is for the future. Right now, comparing myself to the group member who died, I feel relatively fortunate, even as chemo exhausts me, I lose every scrap of hair that was ever on my body, and I spend half of my days being almost unable to eat from nausea and loss of taste. I feel glad that I was able to get Saci, that my body has so far stood up to the ceaseless trials I have put it through, with four treatments and surgery (and full-time work and living alone etc. etc.). I feel strong, not scared, even as I feel the emotional toll of terrible loneliness from covid isolation, winter, and carrying a sick body through my days alone.

I do not love the “fight” metaphor because so much of having an illness is completely out of your control and I never want to take myself (or anyone else) to task for “losing.” And so instead I will praise my body for enduring. I will praise myself for my enduring also, in both an emotional and physical way. I checked back in on how I was feeling as this anniversary approached last year and was pleased to see how much better I feel about it now, partly as a function of being in a treatment that is (likely) keeping me stable rather than in the midst of choosing another new one. Here is what I wrote back to my group of friends in November 2019, the run up to the one-year mark:

“I’m feeling like I can’t plan and don’t want to celebrate, like I can’t perform “fine” for the people in my life to spare them from the pain I’m causing by not doing better and feeling horrible about it. Perhaps it would help if I let them know that they didn’t need to perform “fine” for me? I understand the desire to protect me from the obligation to take care of them and appreciate it. But sometimes it can feel like I’m the only one experiencing anger or grief or pain, though I know I’m not. Feeling so isolated in my emotional response provides no catharsis for it. Compassion and sympathy function on the notion of “fellow feeling.” If you’re just out here, feeling by yourself, you can’t expect any comfort. As always, I think of the moment in the Iliad when Priam and Achilles cry together over dead Hector. Grief (and you can grieve for many things aside from a death) is something explicitly to be shared.” So I guess I’ve shared it here. I can do that. And I can do another thing, which is to tell you I love you. People don’t really say it enough and reserve it too entirely for romantic contexts. It’s weird--it’s not like we are wartime rationing love! And every time anyone says it to me it helps. It’s an affirmation that I am integral in some way to people’s lives which, in a society that so greatly valorizes marriage/partnership and children, is something I can be in doubt about.”

There are some things I like here, though, and that I would now like to reiterate and invite you, my far-flung friends, to do for my 2-year milestone. Never has the notion of “fellow feeling” in times of grief and depression hit harder or been more important than during covid. In a way, the nation (or even world) was forced into much the same position, emotionally and practically, that my cancer put me in. People are isolated, unable to perform “fine” and wondering if other people feel the same way, or even if any of us can take care of each other at all. I am here to tell you that you can. Maybe not immediately but--sooner than you think--you can. Emotional reserves may be low but reaching out to support someone else can actually replenish them. You do not have to feel alone, or to feel, alone.

And for me, for this milestone and for the cancer-related depression that I certainly do have, I’d like to invite you to help me, so that I can do the same for you. I invite you to write something about how this milestone feels for you (either about me or not), how it relates to all the other insane things going on in the world or with you (not about me at all), how you felt on the original day when I shared my stage 4 diagnosis (definitely about me)--really anything that is on your mind or in your heart.

“Oh great,” you may think, “the English PhD has asked us to do homework!”. But no! It's up to you what you do. Write in whatever form you want, however long, even anonymously. And if you do I will write you back! Not with grades or comments, but with something to connect to what you shared. It is a way to create fellow-feeling; to open up, connect, heal. With me, yes, but also as the group of extraordinary people who have gone with me so far on this hard road. It’s a very different proposition to support someone through time-limited treatment with a good outcome than it is to sign on for whatever comes next. You are all, truly, pretty extraordinary.

Anyone who wants to send a note or reflection can email me or drop a file or post in this Google drive folder. Like I said, feel free to share whatever and do it anonymously if you’d rather. You can also askbox me here (better than DMS) or submit a post to this blog. (I'm taking a chance with open DMs for now...we'll see if that needs to change.)

I am grateful for all of you every day, but especially today.

Love, Bex

p.s. The title of this post refers to the cinematic classic "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," a film my high school self and friends loved. They, along with other wonderful folks. gave me a "cancerversary" cake with "Not dead yet, motherfucker!" on it this Sunday. p.p.s. The average life expectancy for people who get this diagnosis is 18 months to 3 years. Hitting 5 years would be extraordinary. Starting Year 3 is a huge deal and I have every intention of being extraordinary. (Never been average at anything in my life...I either succeed spectacularly or fail epically!)

[bqstqnbruin]

General #36 or Angst #10 with Vince Dunn??

Imma try for both I got carried away anyway I’m sorry

36. “Why can’t I get you out of my head?”

10. “How was I such an idiot, to believe that you, out of all people, could ever love me?”

Send me a number and boy from this prompt list!

I still don’t get why y’all love Vince Dunn but sure because I love my followers nad people who send these in

You remember the night you met like it was yesterday. You and your friends happened to be at the same bar as the team, not knowing who they were since none of you were really the hockey type. The only thing you knew about them was that the team they beat for the championship was a team everyone hated, the reason why, you had no idea. 

It was crowded, nearly impossible to move around the venue without bumping into someone or having someone bump into you. And that’s why you were surprised he found you in the first place.

“Would it be crazy to tell you that I’ve been staring at you all night?” the stranger asks you, leaning against the bar next to you. Had the bar not been so crowded, you wouldn’t be so close, but there was something about him that you didn’t mind. 

“Just a little. It seems a bit stalkerish,” you joke, pulling a laugh from his lips.

“I’m Vince,” he introduces himself, you doing the same. Looking behind you, he pulls you close to him to let another guy squeeze past you to get another drink sitting on the counter. “Sorry,” he says, giving you a small smile. His hand was still on your the small of your back, his eyes flicking back and forth between your lips and your eyes. “I didn’t think you’d want someone bumping into you.” 

“What a gentleman,” you tease, biting your lip. 

Your first date was a week later. You didn’t know how much you could want to go on a date with someone until you had to wait to see Vince again.

“You’re even more beautiful than I remember,” he says, pulling you in for a hug once he sees you. He had asked you to meet him at a nearby restaurant, one that wasn’t horribly fancy, but not a McDonald’s by any means. 

“You’re really good with those pick up lines, aren’t you?” you ask him, seeing as every conversation you’ve had with him started with something cheesey like that. 

You spend the night flirting, somehow incredibly comfortable with him, but something felt a little off. You couldn’t put your finger on it, so you just ignored it.

He takes your hand, guiding you out of the restaurant to lead you down the streets of the city. you stop at a corner, waiting for the cross signal to turn. He pulls you in close, his eyes going back and forth between your lips like they did the night you met. “Why can’t I get you out of my head?”

You smile at him, “I guess I just have that effect on people,” before pulling him in for the kiss he desperately wanted.

You had been seeing him for a few months. Something was a little weird with him, not avoiding seeing you when you both had free time, but there was always some sort of excuse, especially on Tuesday nights. 

“Hey, babe,” you say into your phone. “What are you up to tonight?”

“Uh,” you hear him hesitate, “Sammy and I were planning on streaming tonight.”

“Oh, ok. I had wanted to see you before you leave for the road trip, but that’s fine,” you say your voice dripping with disappointment.

“I’ll see you when I get back? You’re still picking me up from the airport, right?”

“Yeah, see you then.”

“Love you, baby.”

“Love you, too.” 

Something wasn’t right though. You thought you should trust him, but part of you was telling you there was something wrong. You immediately diall Sammy, praying that he would say the same thing when you asked about his plans.

“No, sorry, Y/N. I haven’t heard from him since practice.” 

You knew he was lying to you now, but why? What was he hiding?

You were going over his place to hang out with him for the first time in a few weeks. The conversations with him were few and far between, you telling yourself that it was all because the team was trying to make their final push for the playoffs, currently sitting four points outside of the wildcard spot. Part of you didn’t want them to make it so you would have more time with him, but you knew how badly they were fighting for it.

“Hey, beautiful,” he greets you, his lips planted on yours before you can even make it through his door. 

“Hey, stranger, haven’t seen you in a while.” He lets out a laugh. It almost sounds nervous, but you shake it off. You were overanalyzing, letting your worries get the best of you. He guides you inside, the two of you plopping on the couch. 

He starts up a movie, his arm around you as you absentmindedly play with the tips of his fingers. Throughout the movie, he kisses the top of your head, whispering things like, “I’ve missed you,” and “I love you.”

You feel your phone buzzing, messages on Instagram from someone you don’t know.

“Who’s that?” 

“I don’t know,” you say, shifting yourself away from him. It was from another girl, a video following a message that said, ‘you don’t know me, but I know you need to see this. I’m so sorry.’

You play what looks to be a Snapchat video, the date tag on it from Tuesday night. It was in a bar, a guy making out with a girl. You felt your world crashing around you when you see who the guy was pulling away. 

“Vince, what is this?” you ask him, showing him the video that was just sent to you. “Are you cheating on me?” 

He closes his eyes, sucking his lips in, “Fuck.”

“Fuck?” you scream, getting up off the couch. “You’ve been cheating on me and all you have to say is, ‘fuck?’ Is this why you lied to me on Tuesday night about where you were?“

“How did you know I lied?”

“I asked Sammy!”

“You had no right to do that,” he says, trying to steady his breath. He knew he messed up. He knew he’s been messing up. 

“When I thought something was off it became my right to ask Sammy if you were hanging out with him. God, how was I such an idiot, to believe that you, out of all people, could ever love me? I trusted you! I gave you every part of me, and you turn around and do this to me?” You couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over, your voice from getting louder. 

“I am so sorry, baby,” he says, his eyes covered in a sheen of glass, tears falling down his cheeks. 

“Sorry isn’t enough, Vince.” 

[airi-p4]

Last chance - Chapter 4

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 |  AO3 This chapter is Luka's POV of what happened before day 6 and during chapter 3 (present time). 

___________________________________________

Luka’s POV

6  days earlier - somewhere in United States of America

As soon as I reach the airport with Chloe, our private jet is already ready, with her loyal assistant (butler?) ready to take the controls of the plane. Who would have thought Mister Jean… what was his name again? Jean-Paul? Jean-Pierre? Jean-Pascal? Whatever. We have a pilot and we can reach Paris in a few hours.

The plan is to get there and use Adrien's private plane instead of Chloe's to go to Tibet: a safer plane for difficult flying conditions, that’s mostly it.

Adrien… it's been a while since we talked. I wonder if he hates me like Chloe used to. Was he even aware of Chloe's revenge plans? I can't deny I'm curious, but these aren't the thoughts that occupy my mind at the moment.

There's still a few hours left and I can't stop thinking about Marinette's messages.

'I love you'

Is it for real? This isn't some kind of hidden camera, isn't it? Can I trust these words? I certainly want to… but should I? I need to hear it directly from her to believe it. I don't want to keep my hopes up just to sink deeper.

No matter what, I need to arrive earlier than the time Alix created for us. I need to stop her from doing something stupid and unnecessary.

Please… let me save her. Let me make it in time. Let me help her find her happiness. That's all I've ever wanted… What can I do to help her? Am I really the one she wants? Can I really help her? What if I'm not enough?

A big sigh leaves from my mouth.

"Baby, you should rest. You haven't slept much tonight, haven't you? There are still some hours left. Try to get some sleep"

This… is unexpectedly considerate from Chloe. I'm relieved her attitude has improved after these years. Hell, I wouldn't have proposed to her if I weren't sure she had changed. But her plans against Marinette… Oh, that’s right. I still have some talking to do with her. But maybe I should listen to her advice and get some rest first.

"Thanks, ho- Chloe"

Stupid habits. I need to stop calling her ‘honeybee’ already. Ugh… it's not as easy as I expected… I'm the type of man who likes stability… habits are hard to break for me.

I don't need to see Chloe’s face to notice her heart song is now sad and remorseful. My eyes are closed, but I can't sleep. Worries about Marinette keep my mind occupied. But it seems at some point I had entered my dreamlands. I really was exhausted, no wonder. A music video recording plus wedding preparations with Chloe is some energy-draining combo.

"Where are we now? How much time until Paris?"

"Still a long way. You've only slept for 30 minutes. Get some more rest, baby, you’ll need it"

"No. I'm fine. I got enough sleep. Instead… We should talk"

I’m trying to sound serious and not scary, but I’m not sure if I’m accomplishing it… probably not.

"Oh… already? You didn't need to think much, huh? Geez. All this is ridiculous. Am I that easily disposable to you?"

"You know that's not it, Chloe. You know I care for you. But you also know my feelings for Marinette are… never going to fade. I don't know if she's still the same girl she was when we used to spend time together, but if she is… Then I know my heart won't hesitate"

"Yeah… I've always known that. Always Dupain-Cheng. I've never been good enough for you"

"Hey! That’s not true. Don't take it as if you're not extraordinary, Chloe, because you are. And I’m sure there's someone out there ready to notice and appreciate you. You deserve better than me"

"Well, I don't care about that 'someone out there'. All I want is you, Luka! Is staying with me even an option for you? Has it ever been? Why did you propose to me if you planned to throw me away as soon as you had the chance to?"

She's hurt. Horribly hurt. Still working her pride to cover how devastated she actually is. But the tears on her eyes are not doing a very good job to hide it.

I feel horrible.

And I have no excuse.

I never expected Marinette to return my feelings. But if she really does… I have to be honest with Chloe. She deserves the truth.  

"No, hon- Chloe. I'm sorry. I never planned to use you as a rebound. I wanted to marry you, for real. I really tried to move on. I’ve wished for Marinette's happiness over everything, and... If I had known she wasn't happy… things would have gone differently, no doubt. I’m sorry for hurting you. You don’t deserve it"

"You would have run to her the instant she broke Adrien's heart if you had known about her feelings. You’ve never loved me like you love Marinette, not even close if you’re able to decide this fast to dump me even when our wedding is coming soon. You have no shame"

Wow, her words surely sting. Who is supposed to be the snake one here? Oh, well. I guess she wasn't a wasp for nothing…

"I wouldn't have met you if I had known she wasn’t happy. I don't regret the time we have spent together. I love you too, just in a different way"

"Do I have a chance to win you back?"

Straight to the point, huh? Typical of her. I don’t want to hurt her, but I need to be honest with her.

"I don't know. Probably not, I'm not going to lie. But I really wish for your happiness and I wish we could still be friends when everything is over"

Ah... I can feel that deadly glare pierces through my heart. Wow, she’s really angry. And hurt. Not that I can complain. It’s totally understandable and I deserve the hate. Anger over embarrassment, huh?

"Give me a percentage. What are my chances?"

What an unbelievable question. But it’s so Chloe. I blink a few times as I think of a proper answer. I like her, I can’t deny that. But if Marinette is ready to accept me this time… I’m not going to reject or ignore her and regret it forever. No more.

"Love and feelings don't work with percentages, hone- Ugh. Chloe. They're uncontrollable, beyond our understanding and wishes. But... if you insist on a number… a 2% maybe? I don't know. Almost 0% if Marinette's feelings are true and her heart song remains unchanged"

"That’s so low it’s ridiculous... Hmph! But it’s still not a 0, so I don’t have to give up yet. I'm not losing to Dupain-Cheng again. Not without putting on a fight, at least!"

I can't help it but giggle. She's adorable in her own way.

"Good luck, then."

To be honest, a part of me doesn't want to break up with Chloe. Even if her original reasons to approach me had evil intentions, I know she has changed now. But if Marinette's feelings are for real… if she really turned her heart towards me… that's all I've ever wished for. And I'm not going to run away from her.

Not again. Not anymore.

But first...

"Hon- I mean- Chloe. I want you to return me the ring I gave you”

"WHAT!? NO!! No way I'm giving it up! You're still my fiancée! At least until everything is over or until we get married. I really hope it’s this second option, let me tell you! I have no intention of canceling our Wedding!"

Stubborn as always, huh? I sigh again.

"OK. You can keep it for now. But you're returning it to me when everything is over”

Chloe seemed to be about to say something, but she stopped.

“Hmph”

Her face then buries on my shoulder and I hug her a little, patting her head. She’s mad and sad, of course. And her bawling starts, like a baby. I feel bad for breaking her heart like this and I’m sorry for her. I’m the worst... I wish she finds her happiness and someone who can fully love her as she deserves.

___________________________________________

My eyes open again at the sound of the PA message.

“Landing in 10 minutes”

Chloe has fallen asleep with me at some point. We exchange looks and a nod, preparing for the arrival to Paris. I look at Chloe. I know she’s afraid of landings, so I hold her hand, like always, and I notice her relax a bit, closer to me. Damn, she's cute when she’s scared.

And here we are: Paris.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been home. But I won’t be staying long. The Eiffel Tower looks as pretty as I remember it. Home... I wonder if I can go back when everything is over...

Adrien’s bodyguard (doesn't he have a name?) is waiting for us at the airport. He grabs Chloe's massive amount of luggage (when did she have the time to prepare it?) and guides us to Adrien's private plane.

The plane is definitely bigger. Just how rich is the Agreste family? Did Marinette really renounce owning part of this empire? I know she’s not interested in money or fame, but if she really gave it up for me, then I’m more than flattered. It still doesn’t sound real, though.

The Gorilla leads us inside and everyone is waiting for us there: Alya, Nino and Adrien. I can immediately notice the tension in the air when they see me. Wary of Adrien’s and my reaction. Nothing to be surprised about, I guess…  

And there's Adrien, handsome as ever, standing in the middle of the plane and looking at me with his intense emerald green eyes. Before I can move or speak he takes the first step and hugs me.

"Luka!"

"Hey. Nice to see you, Adrien" I hug him back as I hear his friend's relieved sighs. What did they expect?

Adrien looks like he really wants to have a word with me. Something serious. And I'm quite sure I know exactly what it is. But before he opens his mouth...

"Hey, Adrikins! I'm here too, you know? Where's my hug?"

Chloe. She really doesn't know how to read the mood. Geez... Well, go on, I signal to Adrien, who follows Chloe's petition.

"That’s better. Now bring me my favorite drink and let me sleep for a while. Make it double in alcohol. I’ll be at the back of the plane. Don’t disturb me!"

And there she goes, disappearing through the aisle. I can't help it but smile. That's so Chloe: looking for an excuse to cry alone at her heart content. I’ll check on her later, but she'll have to get used to it.

I exchange some greetings with Alya and Nino before Adrien calls me again.

"Luka, come here. We need to talk"

"Yeah, I figured. Can I do something first?"

The plane is getting ready for take-off, but I make sure to grab the speaker first.

"Hello everyone. Luka here. First of all, I want to thank you all for coming. Sorry it's been so rushed, but the cause demands immediate action. As you may know, Marinette is trying to use some of the Miraculous for her own benefit and we can't allow that. Adrien may know better than me, but the universe’s balance could break because of that and we can’t let it happen. Since there's a long way until Tibet, we'll hold a strategy reunion when we get closer. Miraculous team: let's save Marinette, let's save Ladybug! Now get some rest and we'll discuss the strategy details later. Thank you for your attention"

After some claps, I return to my seat next to Adrien. Take off takes place without incidents and we can reassume our conversation.

"Luka… I-... I want to apologize to you. I'm sorry... Back then... I hurt you, didn't I? I didn't know you had feelings for Marinette and yet… all the advice I asked you for… whenever you joined our dates… you never looked sad and… Why didn't you tell me? I would have been more careful and-"

Yeah… Giving Adrien advice definitely hurt me. Seeing how happy Marinette was after he followed my indications to surprise or make her happy made it even worse. But Marinette was happy and Adrien was happy too and I convinced myself that it was enough for me to be happy too (for a while, at least…).

"I just wished for your happiness, Adrien. My friend's happiness makes me happy too”

"But Marinette's not a friend to you. Why did you leave? She’s never been the same since you left… I couldn’t fill in for you in her heart…”

“One-sided love hurts, Adrien. It’s like a double-edged blade. You can be happy for the one you love but lonely for not having them by your side as you wish”

“That’s- I see… It makes sense…” he pauses and looks straight to my eyes. “Luka, do you still love Marinette? Will I be able to understand your feelings better if you two get together? I still love Marinette but I’ve only seen her unhappy since you left and I hate it. Can you make her happy again?”

His green eyes are honest as usual. I keep holding my gaze, never breaking eye contact as I answer his questions.

“Adrien… I’ll be honest with you: I love Marinette, I’ve always had. Since the first moment she appeared in front of me, even now. All I’ve ever wished was for her happiness. I confessed to her and she never gave me an answer. She was in love with you. And I was happy for her happiness with you. That’s why I left: I didn’t want my feelings to interfere with your relationship. I had no chances anyway… You know: destiny is supposed to be unavoidable. I could have never imagined you two not getting a fairy-tale-like happily ever after”

“But it happened. Destiny didn’t work this time... Why didn’t you say goodbye? It broke Marientte’s heart the way you left, I was hurt too. I thought we were friends”

“And we are friends, Adrien. Wouldn’t you have asked me to stay if I had told you? That’s why I never did. And then there’s…”

“There’s what?”

“I don’t know if Marinette has ever told you, but I kissed her. The day before leaving. I know I should have been more considerate about you but I was selfish. I needed to move on and… Oh, but she rejected me immediately. ‘I hate you’, she told me. How could I stay after that?”

"That's- I see. She never told me that… That explains… many things, actually… But that doesn’t change the fact you weren’t there for her when she needed you the most”

“I left my contact open for her, Adrien, but she never contacted me. Hell. I thought you were married until yesterday!”

“Wha- Why? Didn’t you see the news? It was everywhere! The press wouldn’t stop following us around for a while… The gorilla even went to trial for punching one ‘journalist’ while protecting me”

“Wow, that’s rough. I’m sorry this happened to you”

“Marinette’s case was even worse… They even managed to sneak into her office. No chill. I think that was the start of her depression… Wait! Yours and Chloé’s news was what made them stop, now that I think about it… Maybe that was the true reason they left us alone… and the true reason after Marinette’s depression...”

“I didn’t know… Chloé made sure to hide all those news from me”

“Why would she do that?”

“She did it for you. And for herself. But you should ask her directly. Phew, I was scared to ask but I’m glad you weren’t aware of her plans”

“What plans?”

“You should ask her about it. I don’t know much about them, to be honest, but she wanted to get Marinette back with you and keep me out of your way”

I shrug my shoulders and Adrien makes a surprised face that makes me smile.

“Chloe… never learns, doesn’t she?” he says, and I chuckle at his words.

“Isn’t that one of her charms?”

“Maybe?”

It’s nice we can laugh together after all what happened. I’m happy to have Adrien back as a friend.

“Hey, Luka. I want you to be honest with me. Do you love Chloe? What do you plan to do when this is over?”

I’m not surprised at Adrien’s question. But I’m not sure what answer he is expecting.

“What would you like me to say?”

“Tell me your true feelings. Both Marinette and Chloe deserve to be happy. But they both love you and you can only be with one of them. I’m going to encourage you whatever your decision is”

Adrien has really matured, hasn’t he? I’m glad we’re on good terms, sincerely speaking, no hard feelings. Just like old times. I guess I missed him too.

“The truth is… I don’t know. You all keep saying Marinette has feelings for me but it’s still hard for me to believe it. I don't think I can believe it until I hear it coming out her mouth. But… If she really does love me the same way I love her… Then I’m never leaving her side again”

“So Marinette will finally get her happiness… that’s good, I’m relieved. What will you do about Chloe?”

“We’ve already discussed it. Our engagement is practically broken and, as much as it pains me, our relationship can’t go on. I’m sorry. I know she’s your childhood friend”

“She must be very sad and angry now... I’ve never seen her so in love before. You really mean a lot to her”

“And I care for her, too. But Marinette…”

“Yes, I know. Marinette is amazing, isn’t she? How can she be so cute and strong at the same time? How can one not fall for her? I don’t think I need to tell you this, though”

“Certainly not”

Funny how we can laugh together about loving the same girl. I’m glad I got to talk to Adrien from man to man, from friend to friend. I hope we can keep in touch from now on. But I won’t stop him if he ever wants to stop contacting me. Because I did the same at some point and I would understand his reasons.

“What are you going to do, Adrien?”

“Me...? Do I have a choice? Marinette has stopped contacting me after we broke up. I doubt she wants to see me anymore. But I can’t ignore her when she’s asking for help. And I want to help you too. I’ll wish her happiness from the shadows, like I’ve been trying to do for a while”

“Adrien… Don’t take it in a bad way, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. Look at me. I had to leave exactly for that same reason. I’m not saying this out of fear or jealousy, but as a friend: why don’t you try to move on? I’m sure you can find happiness. You’re young and handsome, and you have one of the purest hearts songs I’ve ever heard”

“How do you expect me to forget about Marinette, Luka? You should know that it’s impossible… It’s fine, I’ll live with it”

Well. I can't disagree with his words. He's totally right. But I still want to support him.

“Hey, you can count on me anytime, ok? I’m sure you’ll find the right person when you expect it the least, you’ll see”

“I don’t think so… but thanks for your words. I’m happy to have you as my friend”

“I’m glad too. Don’t worry, it will be fine. You deserve happiness, Adrien”

It’s only at this point when I notice the time.

“Oh, look at the time. Should we start our strategy meeting?”

“Sure, I’ll let Alya and Nino know. Can you get Chloe? I doubt she wants any of us to see her… you know…”

“Got it. Meeting in 10 minutes”

__________________________________________

As expected, Chloe is crying with her eye mask on at the back of the plane, lying down on her first-class like seat. The bottle of her wine is empty. Great...

“Hey honeybee- Chloe!” Damn habits! “It’s time for the strategy meeting. C’mon, show me your face”

Wow, her eyes are red and puffy as I remove her eye mask. Can she even stand up? She looks like she’s about to throw up. Great… I bring her a cold towel and a disposable bag and pat her back a little while I check her temperature. No fever at least. Good.

“C’mon Chloe, answer me”

“I’m not going… Let me sleep, snacky. Or kiss me and I’ll go. Yeah, kiss me…”

And there she goes, bawling again. That’s why I never let her drink… I guess she’ll have to miss the meeting.

“Have some sleep. I’ll explain you the plan when the discussion is over”

“No… Don’t go… Stay with me… Don’t leave me…”

Ah… honest Chloe is finally talking. I wish she didn’t need the alcohol for that. Crap, since when was her grip that strong? She’s not letting go of my jacket. I can’t help it but roll my eyes. I kiss her forehead to distract her and remove my jacket. Good thing I’m fast enough to avoid her catching my shirt next.

“Sleep well. See you later”

Ah… There she goes again- the crying. I wish the pain in my heart could finally end… I hate seeing her like that.

But what else can I do? If I have one last chance with Marinette, I’m definitely not going to waste it.

Wait for us, Marinette. We’re coming back to you.

_________________

The meeting goes on smoothly. We discuss the essential: how to reach the cave (Adrien has the Miraculous Compass that should lead us there), which Miraculous could be used and how to act in any case (keeping special attention to the absolute power of creation and destruction Miraculous used together and the rabbit Miraculous, which was most likely the one planned to be used), and finally, how to proceed if anything goes unplanned.

One more thing is decided: the team will be led by me. I’m not really comfortable giving commands, but I guess the cause requires some leadership, and with my experience with the snake Miraculous, Adrien, Nino, and Alya all agree I’m the best fit for that role. I have no choice but to accept. Failure is not an option.

There’s something more to take into consideration: Alya’s state. She has just had a baby and her body is not ready for harsh action, so I need to make sure she has a back-up role, nothing dangerous.

We come to an agreement that what we must try first is to stop Marinette from using the rabbit Miraculous. And, if we can’t stop her at step 1, stop her at step 2, before she can enter the time portal. It’s game over if she gets in.

No resets available- a one chance mission.

We can’t afford to lose.

And in case absolute power is called… We don't have much knowledge about it, but we’ll have to try to remove her Miraculous or make her pass out before she can ask for her wish. Nino, Adrien, and I should have enough strength to stop her and carry out the mission- if there are no surprises. And if it fails, Alya is carrying some chloroform to make her sleep in a few seconds - or at least that’s how it works in movies, according to Nino.

After setting the plan, I return to Chloe’s side and try to get some more sleep. I tell her about the plan, and she just nods “Why didn’t you give me a role?” she asks, but I have no answer to that. I guess I can’t trust her around Marinette… But I better not tell her that. I already feel bad. I really don't want to hurt her unnecessarily any further.

At this point, I’m not sure why I keep looking after Chloe this much. Is it because of love? Pity? Remorse? Worry? Habits? Ugh… Habits can really be bad, can’t they? Here am I, holding her hand at her sleep again. I really should stop this… but my eyelids are so heavy…

“Landing in 10 minutes”

I shake at the call and get Chloe on her seat, fasten our seatbelts, and get ready for imminent landing. Poor Chloe is not even awake, she’ll surely get surprised when we touch the floor.

“UaAh!!”

See? What a jump! I can’t stop laughing at her reaction. And now she’s angry and embarrassed. Cute.

“Stop laughing!”

Oh. She should know at this point this only makes me laugh louder. Chloé is funny. Not the same funny as Marinette, but still funny. Damn… I miss Marinette's laugh and funny actions… But maybe I shouldn’t think of her now that I have a deadly glare on me. I can feel a chill going down my spine. Chloe can be really scary when she’s angry...

______________________

And we finally arrive at the Temple of the Miraculous.

It's good Adrien's Compass is working well. And it's also a good thing Adrien can speak Chinese because we would be screwed otherwise. But Adrien's translation gives us some bad news.

“We can’t go to the cave…”

“What!? Why not, bro?”

“Only the Guardian can enter the cave… Unless the guardian is with us, we can’t go in. And they said Marinette is already inside… so the gate is closed again”

Silence surrounds us for a moment, until Alya breaks it to speak- shout.

“No! This can’t be!! What are we going to do now!? I’ve never heard of anything like this in my research! There has to be a way! We can't just stay here and do nothing!”

“I know Alya… But I have an idea… I don’t know if it will work but… It may take us at least one or two days too... but maybe…”

Adrien doesn’t look confident, but we don’t have any other ideas, so it’s worth giving it a try. I want to do anything to save Marinette. Hell. We must save her at any cost!

“It’s ok, Adrien! Tell us! We need to rescue Marinette!”

God, did I sound as desperate as I am? It’s difficult to keep my cool when it’s Marinette related stuff, even if I’m trying hard. Yep, Chloe’s glare confirms it… Desperate. Of course I am! What do you expect? Shit. Focus, Luka! I need to pay attention to what Adrien has to say.

“Listen. I know the previous guardian of the Miraculous, Master Fu. He’s the one that entrusted me and Marinette our Miraculous at first”

“Good, we have a guardian then. Where is this Fruit person?”

“Chloe, show some respect” I warn her. ”Tell us, Adrien”

“That’s the bad thing… He’s in London but… he lost his memories after passing the Miraculous box to Marinette. He doesn’t have his knowledge anymore…”

Everyone becomes quiet, pensative, and Alya is once again the one to break the silence.

“What are we going to do, then!?”

All looks focus back on Adrien and he starts talking again. Everyone is listening to him carefully.

“I have a plan. We’ll go get him anyway first. We’ll take him in front of the monks of the Temple, and explain the situation. Maybe… if anyone here recognizes him, an exception can be made for us. I would destroy that stupid door if I had my Cataclysm, but it seems Master Fu is our only chance. What do you say?”

“Well… it’s uncertain and risky, but we have no choice. We should leave as soon as we can. No time to waste”

“But we’ve just arrived! Don’t be ridiculous, baby”

“Nino, Alya and Chloe can stay here. Adrien and I will go get him” I tell them and they nod. Except Chloe… as expected.

“Oh no! No way! If you’re going I’m going too!”

“Chloe, don’t be childish. Stay and wait here. Try to find out as much as you can about the Temple, the cave and the miraculous meanwhile. Will be back soon”

“HEY!”

Chloe tries to follow us but is stopped by Nino, who wishes us a safe flight.

“Take care and good luck”

And there we go, Adrien and I rushing to the plane once again.

Next stop: London

______________________

It wasn’t easy to convince Master Fu to come with us when he can’t remember Adrien, but somehow we managed to after insisting for a whole two days. Well, Adrien did, as expected.

After using one of the Zodiac Miraculous, one of the monks recognized Master Fu, and lent him one of the Miraculous with memory-related powers.

And old Master Fu was back. Along with his knowledge.

The old man cried and apologized to the monks for his mistake when he was young, and then to Adrien, for leaving them alone against Hawk Moth. Adrien then explained the situation with Marinette to Master Fu but the shock of what was happening was too big for him and he passed out for some hours.

As soon as he recovered he rushed to the gate to open the door, but nothing: memories and knowledge weren't enough to open the gate. He needed to become the guardian again, so they started a ritual to give him the guardian status permanently. The ritual took a few days… and we finally made it. Just in time: day 6.

Finally! Waiting while unable to do anything was frustrating and stressful.

Will we make it on time?

We need to hurry.

And it looks like a joke how easily the Master could open the gate to enter the cave after having his previous status back. We had tried everything and nothing. And yet, with one sole finger, Master Fu could completely open it. The power of the Guardian is surely impressive.

I nod to the team and we hurry inside, each one of us carrying a torch. Nino is taking care of Alya, who at the same time is looking up for Master Fu. Adrien is slightly in front of me and Chloe is grabbing my jacket from behind, scared of the dark. We move deeper into the cold darkness that surrounds us, guided only by Adrien’s compass.

Here we go, Marinette. Please, wait a little longer.

Don’t leave us. Don’t leave me!

___________________________

Torches guide us through darkness and we finally arrive at the room the Miraculous rest in. My throat hurts like hell from the shouting, but I don’t care if I’m not able to sing ever again: Marinette is much more important than that to me.

And there she is, in her rabbit miraculous suit and in front of the time portal: Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

I can only see her from afar but she looks beautiful in that suit…  long ears on her head and a cute ponytail. Wow. But now is not the time to admire her beauty. We must stop her before she disappears forever!

I'm so relieved we made it on time before she acts. It was a good thing Adrien’s plan about Master Fu worked. We made it barely on time, but on time, nevertheless. But we need to hurry. And I run, closer to her, still shouting.

Meeting Marinette’s eyes sparks something in me that seemed forgotten for a long time.

I love her. I love her so much.

How can I be without her now that I've met her again?

I can't.

My feelings are as strong than ever. My heart-beat is beating fast and is at this point when I want to believe she feels the same way the most.

I need to know. I’m ready to give everything else up for her. Can’t you see it, Marinette? I’ve never stopped loving you!

I can see how she's trying to run away from us, moving inside the time portal.

Shit! I won’t make it on time. I need to try to stop her with my words.

“Marinette… Marinette, please, stop! Don’t go in there, I beg you! Don't you have something to tell me? Let me listen to it from yourself, with your voice! Let me see your face so I can dare to believe it! Don't make me go after you across that portal or wherever you’re going to”

She seemed to be about to listen to me but her face suddenly lost her light. What happened? How could I let her become so sad? Is it my fault? I don't want her to go.

So I ran towards her, the fastest I can.

"Goodbye…" she says in an almost inaudible voice.

“NO!! Marinette!!!!"

And she slips through my fingers- just like the time we've been apart: lost forever.

No! No! No! DAMN IT! Was I late again? This can’t be! Please… I was so close!!

And just like that, all hope disappears from my heart. Broken again. Even worse than she told me ‘I hate you’.

I still wanted to apologize to her… To tell her so many things… To ask if it’s true I can have a future with her… but the portal in front of me is blank and my tears won’t stop falling like waterfalls. Any question is pointless now… I wish I could have apologized in front of her…

"Marinette… Sorry for being absent for so long. I’m sorry I left... I’m sorry for being selfish…I’m back now. Please… Come back… Is it too late...? Please… Please!”

I can feel the rest of the team sobbing with me, as I beg to Marinette to come back. I appreciate Adrien’s hand on my shoulder, in support, but the pain I’m feeling now is unbearable.

I failed… it's over...

I take a final hopeless look at the portal, waiting for something magical to come and erase us. But I find something unexpected instead: HOPE.

Marinette’s long rabbit ears from her magical suit are slightly coming out of the portal, which means- she’s still here.

It’s not over yet! I’m not giving up. Hell no!

NEVER AGAIN.

But I need to be careful with my words…

“Marinette… I know you can still hear me from the inside… Please, come out. We're here for you. Please… Come back…"

I’m not sure what the best words to convince her would be (I've never been good with words), but I have to try with what I’ve got. She’s not answering, as expected. Is she considering getting out or she’s already moving towards a new timeline? Her ears are not visible anymore, so I can't know. But I’m not willing to wait to find out. Yes, I can be impatient too- why does everyone seem surprised?

“You don’t want to come out? Very well, I'm coming in, then! I’ll get you out of here even if you don’t want me to. Excuse my rudeness, but you leave me no choice”

And her hands appear in front of me to stop my actions, just as my hand is about to touch the portal.

I hold a gasp when master Fu explains what happens to those who enter the portal without a magical suit. 

I didn’t know that. 

Not that I care about disintegrating- Marinette’s more important than myself at this point, and I don’t mind disappearing if her existence banishes from this world as well.

How I'm supposed to be happy in a world without Marinette, anyway? It's impossible.

And my heart gets filled with something warm the moment I can finally touch her hands. My long fingers find their way to lock with hers and I’ve never been more relieved than the moment she falls into my arms, after I pull her out of the magical time hole.

I missed her so much… Can I keep holding her forever? Can I be selfish this time? I'm so glad she's safe…

I thought I could feel her corresponding my feelings: love, need, comfort, relief… but I must have misunderstood again, because the sweetest dream becomes a nightmare the moment she speaks again…

“Plagg, Tikki, unify”

The darkest nightmare.

[mnxxlove]

Heeeey! I would like to request a Steve Rogers Imagine, with the prompts 17,20, 26,29. I really need Captain America in my life ❤️❤️❤️

IF YOU LOVE ME

Pairing: Steve Rogers

Prompts:

17; angst with happy ending

20; soulmates as friends

26; separation in battlefield

29; go on missions together

Word Count: 4902

Summary: It’s 2023, it’s been five years since The Avengers lost their battle, and Thanos won. Everyone did feel guilty and angry for it, they all wanted to avenge the fallen but it was already too late. Or at least it was, until Scott Lang suddenly appeared, and gave them the wonderful idea of returning back in time, thanks to the quantum realm.

Everyone has fought their battles and tried to win their demons, but Steve was blaming himself, and Nat, Bucky and Sam knew it. Ever since he got to witness, one of the most important persons that were in his life, to disappear before his eyes. It literally ruined him.

And he knew, deep down, that he would do anything for getting her back, and not losing her again.

warnings: a lot of angst, depression alert, overthinking, grief, fluff and light gore.

• Thanks for your request love 🧚

gif not mine;

The lights were turned off, the only light getting inside his apartment was the lightning coming from the furious thunders that would constantly collide to the countryside. He was standing, his left elbow placed on the freezing window, that was covered with millions of drops of cold water. His face was neutral, but he was feeling the exact otherwise…

There was no day in which he hadn’t spent it on blaming himself for what had happened. Not only her, trying to sacrifice her life all over again, just for him, but of him thinking that it was his fault. Steve Rogers, the man that was able of being capable of breaking and still recovering easily, hypocritical of everyone, even him, to believe so, counting on, that he has always felt the weakest, and the most vulnerable member of his team.

He tried to be positive, but there was no way he could be able to see the bright side of his current situation. A lot of people died, including her, and he could not help but to almost lose himself too. Steve has been all by himself, ever since he came out of the ice. Then, he met the people which later on, not only he would call them friends, but family. And then, there was her. She was a simple agent, but he knew she was more than just that. He valued her, not only for what she had become, but who she really was...

Y/n has always been there for him, every moment, every fight, every battle… And so was him, for her. But all changed a few years ago, back in two thousand and fifteen, when Steve got himself trapped in some issues that made him, Natasha and Sam to become the most wanted people from the Interpol. Even when she did not fight beside him at the airport, and she did not support him at the battle, Y/n changed her mind, to then helping him. At the end, her becoming as wanted for the Interpol as he was...

No phone calls, no messages for at least two and a half years. Then, Thanos happened, and the whole team got reunited, including her; something he didn’t expect. It’s not that he never expected her to appear, it only turned to be really unpredictable and confusing having her back. Even though they were fighting the battle of their life, it felt good having her with him, still, it didn’t last for so long... It was horribly painful to remember it, but he did it anyways.

Thanos arrived, he was giant, purple and way more taller and bigger than anyone could ever expected him to be. He was having a mischievous grin marked on his face. His pride and his ego were high, while looking at the ones who were possibly going to attack him. Wanda and Vision were with Steve, but so was Y/n. And although, deep down, Steve knew that he needed to do everything to stop him, and to not get to Vision, he then never thought about the consequences. Him and Y/n were one, if he moved she moved. It has always been good to have their own backs protected and watched, however, if anyone would get hurt or have any type of problems, they would be there for themselves no matter what.

And so, she was. It didn’t matter how worn out she felt, or how weak she was feeling, or the fact that she was bleeding, almost draining. She fought for him, until she couldn’t anymore. And just when things were turning to be under control, the great Titan snapped his fingers, and by consequence, making half of the living creatures of the whole galaxy to disappear and to turn into dust and ashes. But Steve, still didn’t know about it, until having her, staying unconscious, carried on his arms.

He was breathless, sitting on the ground having her cuddled. His eyes were filled with terror. Steve whispered her name a few times, while having one of his hands placed on her face, but there was no response back.

“I cannot lose you.” Steve’s voice stuttered, while he glanced at her, eyes scared. His fingers, taking off some strands of hair that were getting on her face delicately.

He wanted her to wake up, or at least make a noise, for him to know that she was awakened or at least, still alive. Even when he should’ve been hopeless, ‘cause Thanos himself, did attack her with the power stone, and punched really bad on the head, Steve wasn’t, he had faith. But then suddenly, everything stopped, there was no wind and the trees were no longer moving. There were no sounds and that made him to have a really bad feeling curving down his spine. His head got raised, he looked around, but he was alone, he had no idea where Wanda or Vision were, but still, Thor was there. Eyes full with blame and grief. He was barely blinking, and his face turned blank.

“Thor?” Steve gasped confusedly, but the God of Thunder didn’t even move from his place.

Pressing his lips anxiously, he then lowered his chin, and once he saw her fading into shattered dust, his eyes full with tears, widened in complete shock..

When Y/n was no longer there with him, he then looked at his dark gloves, now smudged with what was left from her. And that was the moment of realisation, when he was sure, that he lost not only the battle, but her as well.

There was no day in which any of his friends wouldn’t give him a call, or visit him. Nevertheless, Steve was tired of them trying to be supportive of something that had no solution or whatsoever. He truly wished he could’ve stopped her from saving him, making her stop running towards Thanos, just in case, he could’ve made anything for her, to not save him, to then, at end, saving her instead; or even trying to stop Thanos from snapping, but it was already too late.

“Steve…” Bucky’s voice sounded from outside of his apartment. He was calling for him to open up the door, but he did not move a finger. Steve did hear someone then, unlocking the door, but he did not even bother to look who could probably be, because he already knew.

“We know that you said you wanted to be on your own for a while. But it’s been weeks…” Sam sighed, just behind him.

His friends stared straight, at the yet broken man still staying in the same exact position.

“I know it has been a complete nightmare for you. We understand. But there’s no way you’ll get better, if you don’t try to move on, Steve.” Bucky’s words were hoarse and deep. Trying as best as he could to be careful, and to not hurt his friend’s feelings. However, on the other hand, Steve just decided to let out a deep sigh full with exhaustion. He was drowning, he knew it, but at the same time he didn’t care at all.

“What if I don’t want to move on?” The bearded man whispered, now taking off his elbow from the window. But still, standing just where he was at, still giving to them his back.

“You can’t be like this forever.” Bucky cleared his throat, now approaching, taking a few steps towards Steve. James was feeling bad for his friend. He wanted to help him, or at least, trying him to cope better with all the pain he was suffering. But it was impossible to make him feel any better…

Without saying anything else, Buck just pressed his lips in a thin line, while he looked straight up at him, empathy in his eyes such as Wilson’s were as well.

“I loved her, Bucky.” Steve admitted, his voice broken, such as if he was fighting himself for not to sob. His old friend looked up at him, and then closed his eyes.

“We know you did.” That was the last thing Sam said, right after Steve turned around on his feet, to then, walking straight to take a seat. Their friends followed him, having a seat just beside him, on the grey padded couch, he had on the living room.

They didn’t say anything back, afterwards. Sam either Bucky had no idea how to talk with him, without making him feel way worse than he was already feeling, and so it happened.

Someone’s footsteps approached rapidly to the entry, making them raise their chin at the same time, expecting someone to enter inside his place. It was Natasha, an expression of speechlessness, marked on her pale face.

“What's wrong?” Steve asked her, while taking a long sip from his almost empty glass of scotch whiskey. Nat still feeling shocked, she just walked towards where Steve was sitting, and without asking him, she grabbed his left hand, to make him, to get up from his seat.

“Where are you taking me? Nat…?” Steve repeated himself a few times. He was having a confused frown marked on his face. He was unsure of what was going on, but although he didn’t want to get thrilled about it, he did it anyway.

Nat made him to go downstairs, go inside the car and she brought them three to the Avengers base. Once they were in, Steve was starting to have a burst of feelings, just wanting to explode at the moment. So many memories, he couldn’t handle but to feel his heart ache for a bit, while walking and seeing the pictures that were framed all over the wall.

“Scott?” Steve told unsurely, while he looked at the inpatient man that was running in constant circles all over the place. Ant-man then, after hearing a familiar voice, calling from him, he stopped on both his feet, he looked up, then staring at the four people who were expected for him.

“I thought you were-” Steve added, his voice low but direct.

“Gone? Yeah, me too for a second. Until I went to see those bigass graves that were placed at the… “ Scott gasped ironically and then abruptly shut his mouth, blinking rapidly, his hands then trailing up, to his face desperately.

“Have either of you studied quantum physics?” Scott asked, afraid he had to make a whole explanation about it. Him noticing their confused faces, he then, decided to explain it and what he has been up to.

Every word he said was clear, but all they could understand was that there could be something they could do, after all.

“I’ve spent five years there, and it felt like hours, floating... Hope, my.. Well she's my... - Anyway, she was supposed to pull me out of there, but she didn’t!” Scott explained exasperatedly, while he gesticulated on the air with both his bare hands.

The man lost in time, explained how they could easily solve everything up, by trying to travel back in time, using the quantum realm as a bridge. The four persons, that were standing before Scott, stared at him in a mix of confusion and awareness. His idea sounded too good for not even trying to make it work, and although Nat and Bucky were hopeless, Steve and Sam had faith that it could work out.

The normal science class ended in an argument. Bucky did not want to risk anything, and so they all thought the same thing, but after all, that was the best idea they had in years. And it needed a try… So they decided to warn Tony about it, and if he could catch an eye on the project such as Bruce was doing, but although they thought it was going to work out. Stark did not believe the same thing.

Days and weeks passed non stopping, and it finally gave something in return. They’ve made a few experiments, in which any of them could volunteer to, of course. At first, seeing how chaotically bad it worked, the very first tries with Scott, their hope started to go down, but none of them wanted to give in, not just yet. After giving it a few more tries, they decided to take some time off and plan everything, so everyone wouldn’t have any type of ‘last moment’ questions.

“I honestly don't get it. We are going to go back in time to get the stones, but how does that not affect our current timeline?” Clint asked confusedly, leaving everyone speechless and not really sure what to say.

“We are going to travel back to two thousand and thirteen. The stones were in fact, in the same year all together, but not in the same place. Most importantly talking about the power stone, which it’s not even on this planet... The thing here is, if we do in fact, go back in time, and get the stones and we come here with them, It'll be just for a moment, nothing will affect the ecosystem of our current timeline, not even the one we chose to travel to, to get the stones. Because we will return them, just the second after we left with them. And that’s how we are going to win.”

“... We’ll get the stones, ok. But how are we so sure that this will go as planned?” Carol insisted, having her forearms crossed.

“That’s the thing. If we go back in time, the future which is our current timeline changes too, but if we travel back in time just the moment when we changed the past, we’are changing it as well, as returning the stones to their respective places.

However, if we go back to the battle in Wakanda, and we use the stones against Thanos, we’ll win in the past, which affects our current timeline. If we stop Thanos from snapping with the infinity gauntlet, we’ll win.” Tony added, walking towards Bruce, while pointing him with his pen.

“If we win, our current timeline will change… It’ll be as if nothing had ever happened.” Natasha told, her voice soft and careful.

Her eyes were bright, full of hope and life.

“There’s a chance..” Sam nodded surely of himself.

One of the things everyone noticed was that they were having two plans, the first one, on one hand, consisted in returning back in time, and going to different locations to take the stones and then getting everyone back. But the first plan was too risky. Nebula warned everyone that it was going to be impossible to get the soul stone without making a sacrifice, so, they all agreed for the worst, that it was basically in returning back in time but just at the right moment, way beforehand Thanos would’ve arrived in Wakanda. And then fighting side by side with the old version of themselves, and trying to get the soulstone from the great Titan’s gauntlet, use it against him and his army, and then returning the stones. And so it happened, it did slowly, but at least, it succeeded. The easy part was done, they had five of the six stones, and the only thing that was left was returning back to Wakanda. And Steve was not prepared. It was amusing and exciting. They were going to travel back in time, but still, he was not prepared at least not just yet. He was afraid that anything could possibly go wrong, but he would still try. For her, for everyone. One of their biggest fears, was that the old version of themselves wouldn’t accept or understand the situation, but surprisingly it did. It was weird, and it was so easy to guess who was who, because of how grown they already looked in comparison with the five year older version of themselves.Tony and Bruce bothered in explaining as many times, and as with many examples as were possible, their plan to win.

“But how’s Tony here? Where were you, when we were here?” The younger Steve said, then of sudden while staring at Stark in complete confusion.

“In a space donut, trying to control a teenager, having arguments with a magician and trying not to get hit by a moon. Thanks for asking.” Tony added to Rogers’ question, making him frown, being even more confused than before.

“Thanos has no idea that we have planned this... We have the stones, from a completely different timeline. The only thing we need to do, is to take his infinity gauntlet off his hand.” Natasha explained, her words clear as water.

“But you've seen it. He’s huge!” Bruce from the past added this time. His voice sounded altered and nervous.

“That’s my position. I’ll be wearing the infinity gauntlet with the stones we got, so it can be easier for us to win.” Carol told them of sudden making the old versions of themselves, to gaze at her. “I can do it on my own, but it’s better if he’s already distracted.”

That was the last thing that was said, after a big tremor made the building in which they were in, to shake because of the constant vibrations of the ground. It has already started. Proxima Midnight was there, wanting for them to open the floodgates. And so it would happen at some point.

It all happened the same way as it did in the past, or at least it happened. Steve has promised to himself that he wasn’t going to talk with Y/n but not himself, and so he did explain him and made it clear that he should be aware of it, and stop her in time, so he then should go instead of her to Thanos.

“Save her, before he tries to save you.” That was the last thing, Steve ever told him directly. Which left him in complete shock, being specifically, in complete silence. His chin lowered while wondering why would she do it, so. And then he remembered that he would do it for her, because he loves her, and he would prefer to save her than seeing her in pain. He loved her, fondly, and so did she.

The battle went normal, meanwhile the whole team from the past, we’re fighting against Proxima’s army, the Avengers were all placed separately around the whole place. Meanwhile, Carol was waiting for anyone’s signal to then appear. But although they seemed prepared, they were frightened and not so ready after all.

Everyone looked to their right and to their left repeatedly, but they didn’t know when he would appear. But once Steve started to hear his own voice behind him, he knew it was time. The story was respecting itself, but this time they needed to do the right thing.

“On my position, Danvers.” Steve’s hoarse voice sounded through Captain Marvel’s transmission-earpod

“Copy that.” She added, flying straight towards where they were.

But not until Thanos would appear and then approach, she would make a move.

Suddenly, the leaves up in the trees started to slightly move, with the delicate yet suspicious breeze from the other time.

“He‘s approaching.” Sam warned, sounding again through everyone’s transmission-earpods

And he wasn’t mistaken. A sudden purpleish portal appeared from the mere nothing. And when he was already having stepping the ground with his big feet, and was able to see who were going to be the very first victims which he was going to attack, the great Titan noticed that something was wrong and that it didn’t make sense that he was beholding. There was a second copy of almost everyone, and he then wondered if it was a magician trick, such as the one, Doctor Strange did on Titan.

“What the hell?” Thanos mumbled, a confused yet concerning frown marked on his face.

“Now.” Steve told, making the great Titan raise one of his eyebrows incredulity, while both his eyes narrowed.

And then, when he least expected it, everyone stared to distract him. To then Danvers, making one of a glorious yet biggest of her entrances. She flew, straight up to him, making him almost fall.

Both her forearms, choking him from behind while the rest of the group helped her, Thor cut one of his arms off, which made the great Titan let out a rough scream full of pain. He was surrounded, no one could help him. And by seeing how scared he was acting, he deep down really thought that it was going to be his downfall. But then, a few creatures approached, making everyone to stop keeping him distracted to basically fight back.

It all happened so fast, meanwhile some of them still tried to keep him held, while the other half fought, Carol and Thor had a plan which anyone except from them, knew about. One Thanos was about to break free from them, Carol did free him, to then trying to get the infinity gauntlet from the person who was catching an eye on it.

“You. Give it back to me, now.” Thanos told, walking towards Y/n threateningly. The girl just looked at him in a mix of fear and insecurity, not actually knowing what would happen if she didn’t do anything to stop him. And so, she tried to. But, even before Thanos thought of acting, Steve came and went straight to help her just on the right moment, when Thanos was going to exactly blow her with his big armoured fist, changing the events of the future.

The soldier got himself in between, both his hands grabbing Thanos hand, stopping him from hitting her, but, then, him getting punched instead.

“Steve!” She screamed in horror, that he could possibly be dead, by how he fell to the floor. As much as she wanted to, she still stayed still for him, even when all she wanted to do at that moment, was to cup Steve’s face with both her bare hands, while she would caress not only the beard but the scar that was placed right up, in one of his cheekbones.

Everyone did notice about that whole scene, and so they tried to help her, while Wanda did kill all the aliens that wanted to approach. Thanos again, had her just right where she wanted her to be, and he could not wait but to kill her already. But Steve couldn’t let that happen, he was not going to give up. And it wasn’t even an option he wanted to choose. So, he raised one of his arms, while starting to run just straight forward to them. His heart beating way harder than ever before. And so it happened, and once he felt that his fingers touched the wooden material of the body of the big hammer, he ran even faster, and he then cut the Titan’s head in half, leaving everyone in complete shock. But she didn’t give a damn about the situation. She only cared for him, who was still unconscious, lying on the floor.

“Steve…-“ Y/n’s stuttered, her voice low and once her eyes gazed him, she then felt how her heart skipped a bit. She called for him, but he didn’t respond, not even move or make a sudden mumble, which concerned everybody.

The man that wasn’t from that time, kept his eyes locked on her and his own body on the ground, and he felt such as if he was watching a movie, a tragic one, in which the main protagonist did not have the chance to bloom as something else, although they both knew what their feelings for each other were. It was tragic, but also quite too poetic. He travelled back in time, he saved the world, his world, and the girl he loved the most. And even if there weren’t any chances for him to wake up, he was satisfied. But she was broken, a lump formed on the inside of her throat seconds after her feet tripped on the ground to then, bending on her knees to have him closer to her. Y/n glanced at him, she was having a face while she tried so hard to not to cry, but she then burst into tears, anyways.

Everyone looked at him, both his fists were tighten, while he could not help but to stare defeated. He did save her, but if she did lose him instead, he knew it would be her absolute downfall. No one could do anything, only wait. And so they did.

“If I don’t wake up, I’ll desapear, once we get back…” Steve murmured, his voice shy but clear. Making everyone to raise their faces to look straight at him. But when he was already mentally getting prepared to say goodbye, they all heard the button from Steve’s room sounding, letting everyone know that he woke up, after all.

“We should go, now. I’m ok. I woke up! Let’s go.” Steve sounded bossy and dry, a way for making them to follow him outside the building.

He was scared and feeling really insecure of what was probably going to happen, but he needed to leave. And so, he decided to press the button from his suit, not even caring or bothering about the possible consequences of that. He acted selfish, Steve knew it. But he felt pressured, and overwhelmed. He needed to go, leave that place. And so he did it without hesitation.

Once he arrived back to his current timeline, he then noticed that he didn’t end it up on the Avengers compound Base, such as he expected. Instead, he landed on grass. Having a confused frown formed on his face, he then turned on his feet and stared just behind him. There was a house, a little one. And he could not explain exactly why, but it made his heart jump. Then he understood what it could possibly be. Feeling the sudden urge to run, his feet trapped on the floor rapidly, to then approaching to the entry. He walked upstairs towards the door, his pulse getting faster every step he took.

“Y/n?” Steve asked unsure, his heart on his throat.

Suddenly some footsteps approached to the entry, and once he saw her reflection through the glass of the door, his eyes turned cristal. He wasn’t going to look back now, he couldn’t.

“You’re here.” She said, her words sounding soft and little, to then unlocking the door, and opening it for him.

He glanced, she looked way more beautiful than he remembered.

And it was at that moment when he took a step towards her. He placed both his hands on her cheeks, making her to raise her chin, to stare at him in the eyes.

“I missed y-“ Y/n was about to say, but Steve’s lips made her to shut her mouth abruptly.

“I love you.” Steve affirmed, just when their lips got separated, now making her smile. Suddenly, he heard some sounds, it was rapid but little. Footsteps approached fast, and then, he felt how someone grabbed him by one of his legs, making him to immediately lower his head, to look who it was. But once he did, his eyes widened in tears.

“Daddy!” The little boy said, his voice high pitched.

Steve looked at the boy and then to her, then he saw how she carried the one he thought it was his son and placed the boy from around three years old on her arms. Making him to see that she was wearing a shining golden ring on her finger... And it was at that precise moment when he remembered what Tony told him.

“Time is irrelevant in the quentum realm. And if we get the chance to deafest Thanos, will change the future, our timeline... Who knows? Maybe we return back home, and everything’s been changed to better.” Stark explained, unsure of himself while grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.

“...Or worse.” Steve added which made the other man to let out a sigh of tiredness.

The Steve who said that, would have never imagined to be so wrong, but happily, he were.