#literal trauma

[froggyteehee]

h-happy nation *sobs* living in a happy n-nation...

[the-scarlet-manor]

CW: BLOOD + CORPSE

Well thank goodness i didnt overdo this one

- AZ

[miakataylor]

December 22, 1978

"Can you believe it y/n? Our LAST Christmas at Hogwarts! Moons? Aren't you guys excited? After this year, we'll be free!"  Sirius whooped as he spun around the Gryffindor common room. 

All of Gryffindor tower was empty except for us- James, Lily, Peter, Sirius, Remus and I. We had all decided to stay for Christmas because it would be the last we spent at Hogwarts. Although, at the moment, Sirius was looking a little to happy about that fact. 

I  cuddled into Remus' side and murmured, "Personally, I'm really going to miss it." It wasn't even over, but I felt a sting in my heart, a knowing that it soon would be, and I could never go back to re-live the wonderful, long years I had spent here. 

"I'll drink to that!" James shouted as he careened down the stairs. He held a bottle of liquor in one hand, and Lily's hand in his other. The goofy grin he wore was infectious, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling over at the pair. 

"James Potter-" Lily began to scold, but was silenced by a kiss from James, which she visibly melted into. 

Sirius plopped down beside me, close enough to rest his arm around my shoulders and play with Rem's hair. 

"Alright, lovebirds," Peter said sarcastically from his seat beside the fireplace. 

"You heard the man!" Sirius called over his shoulder at James and Lily who were still snogging. "C'mon, we want to get started!" 

Lily broke away, dragging James by the wristover to the sofa. He sat down, pulling her into his lap. 

"So," I began as I sat up, excited to start the games. "Never have I ever, or truth or dare?" 

Sirius sat up beside me, nuzzling his face into my neck. "Y/n's feeling a little naughty tonight, huh?" I rolled my eyes and shooed him away.

"Only because there is no homework this holiday, silly puppy."

"Oh, of course- always so focused on your work, you never have fuuun..." Sirius sighed into my neck dramatically, before giving it a kiss and sitting back. 

"I say never have I ever," stated Peter, putting us back on track. We all agreed, then scooted to the floor and arranged ourselves in a circle. 

James spun the bottle to determine who would go first. When it came to a stop, it pointed at Sirius, who wore a wicked grin. 

"Never have I ever..." he paused, looking around the circle at each one of us before smirking at James and saying, "Never have I ever done it in the loo at the Three Broomsticks." 

We all burst out laughing. James rolled his eyes and took a swig before handing the bottle over to Lily, who was becoming quite red in the face. She sipped only a little, then fell into a fit of coughs. James rubbed her back until the coughs subsided, then pointed to Peter. "Your turn, Wormy."

The shy blonde boy giggled and said with a sly smirk, "Never have I ever kissed a boy." 

James and Sirius cackled and Remus rolled his eyes, reaching for the bottle. Lily was staring at him as if she was seeing the for the first time. Sirius passed the bottle to me after he had drank, then when I had, I passed it to James while Lily looked on in partial shock. I knew, however, that a part of her half expected this though. It certainly hadn't come as a surprise to me- I had been there every time. 

This time when the bottle was passed to Lily, she gulped it down like it was the medicine to cure her scarred mind. Everyone held back their laughter, and she said, "I actually don't ever want that mental image ever again." 

"Nice one, Pete," I said. He nodded to Remus, who thought for a moment before side eyeing Sirius and stating, "Never have I ever been tied up and begging." 

We all went silent and watched each other to see who would grab the bottle first. Much to our surprise, Peter mumbled, "Fuck it," and snatched the bottle while the rest of us hooted and laughed once more, then all took turns with the liquor, except, of course, for Remus. 

He leaned down to whisper in my ear, "And you enjoyed every minute of it, didn't you, Little One?"

I didn't give the satisfaction of an answer, but I shifted in my spot on the floor. His words had, with the help of the alcohol, gone straight to my core. 

"Y/n's turn," Remus said, gently squeezing my thigh. I studied the faces around me, then treid to determine how mad I wanted to make Rem and Siri. 

After a few moments of careful consideration, I looked up at Remus, not breaking eye contact as I said, "Never have I ever been pegged." 

His dark eyes bore into mine, and I knew that I had fucked up, and yet the alcohol coursing through me couldn't let me care. 

"Oh, give that here," James said. He passed it then to Sirius, who drank and, without looking at Remus, set it down next to him. 

I was still smirking up at him when he picked it up and drank. James, Lily and Peter all "Ooo"'d, but Sirius and I knew better. We both knew that would only add to whatever shit I'd gotten us into tonight. 

The games continued long into the night, and by the end of it, we wee all too drunk to care about what I had done earlier. The last thing I remember before blacking out was that I really didn't want to deal with a bitch of a hangover AND a moody Moony the next morning. 

December 23, 1979

We all sat around the living room in the Potter's new home in Godric's Hollow, where we had decided to celebrate Christmas. I sat beside Sirius on an old sofa, his hand wrapped around mine. I knew this Christmas would be a painful one for him. He had lost not only his brother, Regulus, but also his father earlier this year. 

"Hey Pads, you alright?" Remus asked, sitting down on Sirius' other side. He handed our lover a mug of cocoa with cream and cinnamon on top, his favourite. 

"Hm? Oh. Yeah. I'm just... thinkin." 

Remus and I shot each other a worried look. 

"Take whatever time you need Siri," I said quietly, my heart hurting for the man I loved more than anything. "Moons and I will be here whenever you need. We love you. M'kay?"

He nodded, a small smile coming to his lips as he leaned over to kiss my forehead before leaning into Remus. 

James pranced into the living room, closely followed by Peter.

"Guys!" James said with entirely too much energy. His wide eyes were filled with excitement and he pursed his lips, as if he might accidently say something he wasn't supposed to. 

"We have something to tell you!" I glanced over at Peter, who shrugged and sat in the chair beside the fireplace. 

"Where is Lily?" I asked, both curious and growing a little worried for my friend. 

"Well... she is currently in the loo, being sick. However, she has told me to come tell you." 

I started out of my seat to the lavatory, but James held out his hands, motioning for me to stay seated. 

"No, she's fine... she's just... were just... I mean she's-" 

"Just spit in out, Prongs!" Sirius said from beside me, leaning forward in his seat. 

"Yeah, you're driving us crazy," I added. 

"Lily's pregnant!" 

It was quiet for only a moment while we all processed this information, then all Hades broke loose. Everyone jumped out of their seats, congratulating James, who looked as if he still couldn't believe it himself. When I had said my congrats to James, I ran to the bathroom where I found Lily at the sink, wiping her mouth with a wet cloth. I barreled into her, giving her a hug, and making her grunt. 

"Oh my gods, Lil! Congratulations! This is amazing!" She laughed, untangling herself from the embrace. 

"Thank you!" She beamed, a brilliant smile spreading over her lips. 

"Have you got any names picked out?" I asked excitedly. She nodded.

"If they are we'd like to name her Iris, after my Gran, and if it's a boy-" she stopped, a look of dread replacing the smile she had just worn. She quickly knelt down to the toilet and vomited again. I held her hair away, offering her a cup of water and the cool cloth, which she accepted gratefully. 

"And if they're a boy, Harry," she said, grinning at me , then turning back as another wave of nausea hit. 

December 24, 1980

“Who’s Uncle Pads’ best boy?”

Little Harry laughed his adorable, infectious little laugh as Sirius cradled him in his arms. 

We were at James and Lil's place again this year for a very special Christmas- Harry's first. Lily sat on James' lap in their loveseat, while Sirius and I sat across the room on the sofa. Rem sat against the wall, book in hand, and Pete lay sprawled in the middle of the floor. The Potter's tree stood in a corner, the gold star nearly scraping the low ceiling. It's lights gave a soft, warm glow that was comforting, and gave the whole room a cozy affect.

I sighed, content. This Christmas would be a good one. I rested my chin on Sirius' shoulder, peering down at Harry. 

“Yeah, you're my little buddy, aren't you?" James chuckled at his friends' antics while wrapping his arms around Lily's waist, placing a soft kiss on her neck. Lil laid her head against his chest, cuddling into him, clearly relaxed for what seemed like the first time in a long time. But having a kid did that to you, I guessed. The sight of the two made me smile. I was thankful that we were all here, loving and living, and that we got to do it like we always had- together. 

Remus caught my gaze, smiling gently for a moment before closing his book and standing, making his way over to the sofa, plopping down on my other side. I leaned toward him and he chuckled, kissing my forehead. We turned to watch Sirius as he cooed at Harry, who's giggles were sounding more and more tired. 

A 'tap tap' sound came from the kitchen window, signifying the arrival of an owl. 

"I'll get that," James said, both he and Lily standing and stretching. He kissed her gently before going into the next room, Peter tailing him. Lily walked over to get Harry, saying, "Say goodnight, Uncle Pads... It is passed little guy's bedtime." She picked him up gently, cooing to him when he began to cry, and taking him out of the room, into his own. 

Sirius groaned as he stretched his long legs before sitting back up and turning to watch Remus and I. 

"Whatcha thinking, love?" I asked, taking his hand in my own. He didn't say anything for a while. "Oh, nothing. Just... gives a person ideas." I raised an eyebrow at that. "What kind of ideas?"

He chuckled, leaning down to kiss my forehead, then across me to kiss Remus. "Families and such." 

I felt a spark ignite in my abdomen. I had never thought of the possibility of having a family. I had never looked that far into the future. Of course, now that Sirius had mentioned it, the idea sounded like a wonderful one, and I could barely contain my joy at the thought. 

"That sounds like a grand idea, Pads," Remus said, and I turned to stare at him. His dark eyes searched my own, then went to my lips, and he asked, "What do you think, y/n? Do you think you're ready for a family?" I couldn't speak as tears welled in my eyes, but I nodded. 

"That sounds wonderful, Moons. Pads." I felt Sirius slip his arm around my hips, while Remus' went around my shoulders. I rested my head on Remus' chest while my fingers tangled with Siri's, playing with his rings. I smiled as I thought about what this mean for us, as I thought about the family we would raise together. 

When James, Lily and Peter returned, I immediately knew something was wrong. James' eyes were filled with anger, Lily's glassy and Peter's teary. James clutched a note in his hand. I felt my lovers tense, and I quickly stood. 

"What's wrong?" I asked, almost afraid to find out. We had been so happy, and as selfish as it felt in that moment, I almost begged for no one to say what was so wrong so that we could hold onto our happy moment. But it was not so, and it never would be. 

James didn't say anything, looking between Lily, my lovers and I. 

"Prongs, what the hell happened?" 

"Gideon and Fabian Prewitt were killed this evening by a group of death eaters." 

The shock of his message seemed to hit me like a bag of bricks, and I sat down.

"It's begun."

December 25, 1981

I shivered, pulling my coat tighter around my too small frame and bulging belly. Remus stood beside me in the Godric Hollow cemetery, two roses in hand. It was too cold this Christmas, in more ways than one. I took one of the roses from Remus and slowly got to my knees in front of a new headstone that read, "James and Lily Potter, beloved friends and parents, taken from us far too soon."

I placed the rose at the base of the headstone whispering, "It's Christmas, guys... I miss you." 

Remus knelt beside me, wrapping a comforting arm around my shoulders. "I wish you guys could be here right now," he whispered. We were both silent for a few moments, and I thought about the passed Christmases, all spent in the company of those who weren't with us anymore, one way or another. 

My shoulders shook as the sobs I had been pressing down forced their way to the surface. "No, no, no, no. This is all wrong. Why- How could I let this happen, Remus!?" I dug my nails into the earth, as if that would let me hold my friends for one more second. 

Remus pulled me into him, wrapping  both his arms around my shaking shoulders and burying his face in my neck. He held me as I cried, heart wrenching sobs that seemed to steal the air from my lungs. My hands found their way to my pregnant belly, and I cried harder, remembering the other part of myself I had lost that day. 

"Remus," I choked through my sobs, "I miss him... I miss him so much I-" 

I raked my nails up and down my arms, trying to make my body feel as much pain as my  heart and mind were feeling in that moment, trying to reconcile the fact that I had lost not only my best friends that day, but also my husband, my lover, and it hurt like hell. 

Remus caught me hands in his own, wrapping me in a hug and whispering through his own tears, "I know.. I know. I miss him too. I miss all of them." 

We sat there, curled into each other on the ground in the cemetery for a long time, neither of us ready or able to move away from that spot. When my sobs had turned to sniffles, Remus stood, helped me up and said something about getting me inside. It had begun to snow, big fluffy flakes that stuck in our hair, as we began to make our way back home. 

Before we left the cemetery, I looked back one last time at the headstone. The two roses in front of it were the only splashes of colour in a sea of grey, white and black. 

"Happy Christmas Prongs. Lils," I whispered. I let myself be led away by my husband who was as lost and broken as I was. I looked to the sky and whispered it again, hoping it would somehow be carried on the wind to the ears of the only person I still had a chance to get back. I vowed then that I would do whatever it took to get to Sirius, to free him. 

"We'll find a way," Remus said, his voice thick with emotion and tear in the corners of his eyes. "We'll find a way," he said again, almost to himself before pressing his lips to my cold forehead, like he and Sirius would always do. "I promise, Little One."

——————————————————————————

Regulus Black died on June 28, 1979 after being sent on a mission by the Dark Lord. He was killed by the Inferi, corpses that have been reanimated by a dark wizard, that resided in the particular cave that the Dark Lord ordered his horcrux locket be hidden.

Orion Black died in the year 1979. The date is unknown, as is the cause. 

Gideon and Fabian were not killed on December 24, 1980. There is no exact date, but it is estimated that it was before Halloween of that year. However, for the sake of the story, I made it so. 

James and Lily Potter were killed October 31, 1981, by the Dark Lord. He came into their home in Godric's Hollow with the intent to kill their 1 year old son, Harold James Potter, for being one of two possible children prophesied to end his existence. 

Sirius Black was taken into custody November 1, 1981. He was accused of betraying the Potters and of killing Peter Pettigrew, and 12 muggles. His innocence was never legally proven, and he sentenced to life in Azkaban. However, he escaped in the autumn of 1993. He died and innocent man in 1996, killed by his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange, after a battle with the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. 

Peter Pettigrew lived as the rat Scabbers from October 31, 1981, until June 6, 1994. He returned to his human form when forced to by Sirius Black. He escaped, returning to his master, the Dark Lord, and serving him until his death in the April of 1998. The hand he had been given by his master strangled him to death when he hesitated to take Harry's life at the skirmish at Malfoy Manor. 

Remus Lupin died May 2, 1998 in the battle at Hogwarts. He was killed by Death Eater Antonin Dolohov. 

——————————————————————————

Well. I am thoroughly depressed now.

I hope you felt something while reading this. That is all.      ~Miaka 1/19/23

[byleriscanon713by]

Today

Pros: saw mean girls with my girlfriend

Cons: Threw up in the Olive Garden bathroom 😍

[number1-arashi-narukami-fan]

hifumi izanami:

[stuckinapril]

noticed a dip in posts about palestine on my dash, so i think it deserves to be said again: palestine is not a trend. caring about genocide is not a trend. there are still reports about humanitarian aid trucks intentionally blocked off from gaza, meaning so many fucking gazans, a big portion of them children, are just bleeding out with no help. it just came out recently that israelis disguised as women and medics infiltrated a west bank hospital, at which point they killed 3 palestinians (whom they claim were militants. right). these people are living day to day without even the most basic utilities. anyone who claims to have “activism fatigue” needs to question why they’re so severely lacking in the most basic forms of compassion. you don’t get to just grow bored of talking about palestine. please never stop calling attention to the genocide happening full force in front of us.

[sexhaver]

calling the cops on someone else in america for drug use is the most comically evil action i can think of that you can still admit to in public and (unfortunately) not be shunned/exiled/physically attacked for. you're very explicitly saying that your sheltered discomfort with seeing someone do drugs is worth ruining that person's entire life over (even though you could get the same effect by just continuing to walk past the drug user until you never see them again). 18th century dauphin mindset. "papá! papá! i espied that peasant over yonder partaking of a snuffbox! throw him in the dungeon, lest my delicate morals be corrupted any further!" kill yourself perhaps

[sameboot]

Simon petrikov coping FAIL compilation

[chloesimaginationthings]

FNAF movie Mike learns more about Michael’s childhood..

[callmelinamfsnow]

“I’m family”

“So. is. he”

[ruporas]

please be true

[ID: Digital Trigun Stampede fanart of Vash and Wolfwood cradling each other. Vash is facing the viewer with his face buried in Wolfwood's shoulder, one hand grabbing at Wolfwood's neck and the other grabbing his arm. Wolfwood is facing away from the viewer and is slightly leaned away, one arm wrapping around to Vash's back, but his hand is hovering, not touching. The background is black with white and red confetti-like and petal-like shapes falling around them. ID END] ID CREDIT

[wilteddreamsofbaldursgate]

I’m a fierce believer and defender of Smooth Brain Astarion (affectionate).

I love that, if left to his own devices, he ends up dead in a ditch. I love that this pasty menace of an elf is a walking disaster. I love that his brain produces one coherent thought per day, only to have it backfire on him later on. I love that his first choice in freedom is to unapologetically be the worst version of himself. Because it makes sense. 

That’s what abuse and trauma do to your brain—they fuck with it. 

And in Astarion’s defence, the man didn’t have to use his brain for nearly 200 years—it’s probably the very thing that kept him as alive as he can be; to survive 200 years of pure shit. 

And what use is his brain when his days and nights are dictated by someone else for as long as he can remember? When he has no say in what clothes he wears. When he doesn’t get to choose what or when to eat. When his body and mind aren’t his own, distorted by torture and hunger and self-loathing, forced to obey his vampiric master. Why use his brain when his survival depends exclusively on his abuser’s whims? 

Astarion could’ve come up with the most brilliant plan possible to escape Cazador or save a mark from their doom, but he never stood a chance of succeeding—which doesn’t mean that he didn’t get punished for trying (or even thinking about it) anyway.

Existing under Cazador was a game he couldn’t win, so why bother playing? 

And it’s only by chance that Astarion’s autonomy is returned to him literally overnight. It’s only natural that he’s overwhelmed by his newfound freedom. How is he expected to make sound decisions when he can’t even recall a time when he could do and say as he pleased? 

Of course Astarion is a walking disaster when he finds himself on that beach after the Nautiloid crash—and he’s fully aware of that! That’s why it’s so crucial for him to get on the player’s/other companion’s good side.

He’s self-aware enough to be so insecure about himself that he would rather trust a stranger’s capabilities than his own. 

Being a catastrophe of a person is part of Astarion’s character journey. Not only does he have to reclaim his personhood, he has to learn how to depend on his own brain again and I think that's such a painfully beautiful, important message Baldur’s Gate 3 sends. 

Because healing isn’t pretty. Nor is it easy.

You’re not alright the moment you’re free of whatever horrors you had to live through—and that’s ok! There’s time and room for you to adjust. 

And the moment Astarion feels more or less safe within his new environment, when he’s fed and treated like a person worthy of respect and consideration, his insights, skills and perception are crucial assets to the group.

Astarion knows his art and literature, and although his little remarks are unhinged at times, he's genuinely witty. Even his objections are, considering the circumstances, absolutely legitimate.

Personally, I love seeing Smooth Brain Astarion become more and more secure in his judgement the more Tav/other companions trust and support him.

Astarion is smart, his brain’s just been stewed for nearly 200 years.

[metatheatre]

"But, well...I would always know the stain was there. Underneath, I mean."

[kiisaes]

big day for annoying people (me)

[pinsandcats]

I think we as a fandom tend to forget about anybody's abuse but Percy and Nico's. While it's definitely not a contest, and i'm not discounting what they went through I feel that we tend to skim over most other characters' backstories and trauma. Jason didn't know who or where his sister was for years, got his memory erased ,and had to rebuild his entire life. Piper mentioned barely seeing her dad, being bullied at school and struggling with being a daughter of the goddess of love and beauty and what that means for her. Leo has suffered abuse, probably has religious trauma, and his mom died in a fire that he probably thinks was at least partially his fault. Hazel's mother was honestly kind of horrible, she died, and she woke up in a place and time where she didn't know anyone and everything was different. Frank's mom died, then his grandmother who raised him dies, and he has to cope with knowing his life could end so abruptly at any time. Annabeth ran away from home at the age of 7, her dad was not a decent dad until later in the series, and one of the only people she has left betrayed her. Reyna has to run the camp while worrying about Jason being missing, was captured by pirates, and had to kill her father. Will Solace was Head Counselor of the Apollo Cabin at 12, has watched countless people die, and had to deal with the knowledge that in his mind he could have saved them. Not to mention Thalia, Luke, Bianca, and countless others.

[theygender]

The more I learn about judaism the more I wonder where tf christianity got all its bad shit. Why is divorce a sin in christianity when judaism has recognized the right to divorce for nearly a millennia and has codified religious laws for it. Why does christianity consider sex to be dirty (to the point where puritans considered it a sin to enjoy having sex with your own spouse) when in judaism it's considered holy and it's a literal mitzvah to have sex with your spouse on the sabbath. Why does christianity consider it a sign that you're faithless if you question your religion when in judaism that's considered an essential part to developing your faith. I'm probably stating the obvious here but I still can't get over the fact that there's no historical basis to any of this shit before christianity started, it's like christians just said "hey guys what if we took the torah and built a new religion around it but this time it was actively hostile to human life"