#marauders trauma

[miakataylor]

December 22, 1978

"Can you believe it y/n? Our LAST Christmas at Hogwarts! Moons? Aren't you guys excited? After this year, we'll be free!"  Sirius whooped as he spun around the Gryffindor common room. 

All of Gryffindor tower was empty except for us- James, Lily, Peter, Sirius, Remus and I. We had all decided to stay for Christmas because it would be the last we spent at Hogwarts. Although, at the moment, Sirius was looking a little to happy about that fact. 

I  cuddled into Remus' side and murmured, "Personally, I'm really going to miss it." It wasn't even over, but I felt a sting in my heart, a knowing that it soon would be, and I could never go back to re-live the wonderful, long years I had spent here. 

"I'll drink to that!" James shouted as he careened down the stairs. He held a bottle of liquor in one hand, and Lily's hand in his other. The goofy grin he wore was infectious, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling over at the pair. 

"James Potter-" Lily began to scold, but was silenced by a kiss from James, which she visibly melted into. 

Sirius plopped down beside me, close enough to rest his arm around my shoulders and play with Rem's hair. 

"Alright, lovebirds," Peter said sarcastically from his seat beside the fireplace. 

"You heard the man!" Sirius called over his shoulder at James and Lily who were still snogging. "C'mon, we want to get started!" 

Lily broke away, dragging James by the wristover to the sofa. He sat down, pulling her into his lap. 

"So," I began as I sat up, excited to start the games. "Never have I ever, or truth or dare?" 

Sirius sat up beside me, nuzzling his face into my neck. "Y/n's feeling a little naughty tonight, huh?" I rolled my eyes and shooed him away.

"Only because there is no homework this holiday, silly puppy."

"Oh, of course- always so focused on your work, you never have fuuun..." Sirius sighed into my neck dramatically, before giving it a kiss and sitting back. 

"I say never have I ever," stated Peter, putting us back on track. We all agreed, then scooted to the floor and arranged ourselves in a circle. 

James spun the bottle to determine who would go first. When it came to a stop, it pointed at Sirius, who wore a wicked grin. 

"Never have I ever..." he paused, looking around the circle at each one of us before smirking at James and saying, "Never have I ever done it in the loo at the Three Broomsticks." 

We all burst out laughing. James rolled his eyes and took a swig before handing the bottle over to Lily, who was becoming quite red in the face. She sipped only a little, then fell into a fit of coughs. James rubbed her back until the coughs subsided, then pointed to Peter. "Your turn, Wormy."

The shy blonde boy giggled and said with a sly smirk, "Never have I ever kissed a boy." 

James and Sirius cackled and Remus rolled his eyes, reaching for the bottle. Lily was staring at him as if she was seeing the for the first time. Sirius passed the bottle to me after he had drank, then when I had, I passed it to James while Lily looked on in partial shock. I knew, however, that a part of her half expected this though. It certainly hadn't come as a surprise to me- I had been there every time. 

This time when the bottle was passed to Lily, she gulped it down like it was the medicine to cure her scarred mind. Everyone held back their laughter, and she said, "I actually don't ever want that mental image ever again." 

"Nice one, Pete," I said. He nodded to Remus, who thought for a moment before side eyeing Sirius and stating, "Never have I ever been tied up and begging." 

We all went silent and watched each other to see who would grab the bottle first. Much to our surprise, Peter mumbled, "Fuck it," and snatched the bottle while the rest of us hooted and laughed once more, then all took turns with the liquor, except, of course, for Remus. 

He leaned down to whisper in my ear, "And you enjoyed every minute of it, didn't you, Little One?"

I didn't give the satisfaction of an answer, but I shifted in my spot on the floor. His words had, with the help of the alcohol, gone straight to my core. 

"Y/n's turn," Remus said, gently squeezing my thigh. I studied the faces around me, then treid to determine how mad I wanted to make Rem and Siri. 

After a few moments of careful consideration, I looked up at Remus, not breaking eye contact as I said, "Never have I ever been pegged." 

His dark eyes bore into mine, and I knew that I had fucked up, and yet the alcohol coursing through me couldn't let me care. 

"Oh, give that here," James said. He passed it then to Sirius, who drank and, without looking at Remus, set it down next to him. 

I was still smirking up at him when he picked it up and drank. James, Lily and Peter all "Ooo"'d, but Sirius and I knew better. We both knew that would only add to whatever shit I'd gotten us into tonight. 

The games continued long into the night, and by the end of it, we wee all too drunk to care about what I had done earlier. The last thing I remember before blacking out was that I really didn't want to deal with a bitch of a hangover AND a moody Moony the next morning. 

December 23, 1979

We all sat around the living room in the Potter's new home in Godric's Hollow, where we had decided to celebrate Christmas. I sat beside Sirius on an old sofa, his hand wrapped around mine. I knew this Christmas would be a painful one for him. He had lost not only his brother, Regulus, but also his father earlier this year. 

"Hey Pads, you alright?" Remus asked, sitting down on Sirius' other side. He handed our lover a mug of cocoa with cream and cinnamon on top, his favourite. 

"Hm? Oh. Yeah. I'm just... thinkin." 

Remus and I shot each other a worried look. 

"Take whatever time you need Siri," I said quietly, my heart hurting for the man I loved more than anything. "Moons and I will be here whenever you need. We love you. M'kay?"

He nodded, a small smile coming to his lips as he leaned over to kiss my forehead before leaning into Remus. 

James pranced into the living room, closely followed by Peter.

"Guys!" James said with entirely too much energy. His wide eyes were filled with excitement and he pursed his lips, as if he might accidently say something he wasn't supposed to. 

"We have something to tell you!" I glanced over at Peter, who shrugged and sat in the chair beside the fireplace. 

"Where is Lily?" I asked, both curious and growing a little worried for my friend. 

"Well... she is currently in the loo, being sick. However, she has told me to come tell you." 

I started out of my seat to the lavatory, but James held out his hands, motioning for me to stay seated. 

"No, she's fine... she's just... were just... I mean she's-" 

"Just spit in out, Prongs!" Sirius said from beside me, leaning forward in his seat. 

"Yeah, you're driving us crazy," I added. 

"Lily's pregnant!" 

It was quiet for only a moment while we all processed this information, then all Hades broke loose. Everyone jumped out of their seats, congratulating James, who looked as if he still couldn't believe it himself. When I had said my congrats to James, I ran to the bathroom where I found Lily at the sink, wiping her mouth with a wet cloth. I barreled into her, giving her a hug, and making her grunt. 

"Oh my gods, Lil! Congratulations! This is amazing!" She laughed, untangling herself from the embrace. 

"Thank you!" She beamed, a brilliant smile spreading over her lips. 

"Have you got any names picked out?" I asked excitedly. She nodded.

"If they are we'd like to name her Iris, after my Gran, and if it's a boy-" she stopped, a look of dread replacing the smile she had just worn. She quickly knelt down to the toilet and vomited again. I held her hair away, offering her a cup of water and the cool cloth, which she accepted gratefully. 

"And if they're a boy, Harry," she said, grinning at me , then turning back as another wave of nausea hit. 

December 24, 1980

“Who’s Uncle Pads’ best boy?”

Little Harry laughed his adorable, infectious little laugh as Sirius cradled him in his arms. 

We were at James and Lil's place again this year for a very special Christmas- Harry's first. Lily sat on James' lap in their loveseat, while Sirius and I sat across the room on the sofa. Rem sat against the wall, book in hand, and Pete lay sprawled in the middle of the floor. The Potter's tree stood in a corner, the gold star nearly scraping the low ceiling. It's lights gave a soft, warm glow that was comforting, and gave the whole room a cozy affect.

I sighed, content. This Christmas would be a good one. I rested my chin on Sirius' shoulder, peering down at Harry. 

“Yeah, you're my little buddy, aren't you?" James chuckled at his friends' antics while wrapping his arms around Lily's waist, placing a soft kiss on her neck. Lil laid her head against his chest, cuddling into him, clearly relaxed for what seemed like the first time in a long time. But having a kid did that to you, I guessed. The sight of the two made me smile. I was thankful that we were all here, loving and living, and that we got to do it like we always had- together. 

Remus caught my gaze, smiling gently for a moment before closing his book and standing, making his way over to the sofa, plopping down on my other side. I leaned toward him and he chuckled, kissing my forehead. We turned to watch Sirius as he cooed at Harry, who's giggles were sounding more and more tired. 

A 'tap tap' sound came from the kitchen window, signifying the arrival of an owl. 

"I'll get that," James said, both he and Lily standing and stretching. He kissed her gently before going into the next room, Peter tailing him. Lily walked over to get Harry, saying, "Say goodnight, Uncle Pads... It is passed little guy's bedtime." She picked him up gently, cooing to him when he began to cry, and taking him out of the room, into his own. 

Sirius groaned as he stretched his long legs before sitting back up and turning to watch Remus and I. 

"Whatcha thinking, love?" I asked, taking his hand in my own. He didn't say anything for a while. "Oh, nothing. Just... gives a person ideas." I raised an eyebrow at that. "What kind of ideas?"

He chuckled, leaning down to kiss my forehead, then across me to kiss Remus. "Families and such." 

I felt a spark ignite in my abdomen. I had never thought of the possibility of having a family. I had never looked that far into the future. Of course, now that Sirius had mentioned it, the idea sounded like a wonderful one, and I could barely contain my joy at the thought. 

"That sounds like a grand idea, Pads," Remus said, and I turned to stare at him. His dark eyes searched my own, then went to my lips, and he asked, "What do you think, y/n? Do you think you're ready for a family?" I couldn't speak as tears welled in my eyes, but I nodded. 

"That sounds wonderful, Moons. Pads." I felt Sirius slip his arm around my hips, while Remus' went around my shoulders. I rested my head on Remus' chest while my fingers tangled with Siri's, playing with his rings. I smiled as I thought about what this mean for us, as I thought about the family we would raise together. 

When James, Lily and Peter returned, I immediately knew something was wrong. James' eyes were filled with anger, Lily's glassy and Peter's teary. James clutched a note in his hand. I felt my lovers tense, and I quickly stood. 

"What's wrong?" I asked, almost afraid to find out. We had been so happy, and as selfish as it felt in that moment, I almost begged for no one to say what was so wrong so that we could hold onto our happy moment. But it was not so, and it never would be. 

James didn't say anything, looking between Lily, my lovers and I. 

"Prongs, what the hell happened?" 

"Gideon and Fabian Prewitt were killed this evening by a group of death eaters." 

The shock of his message seemed to hit me like a bag of bricks, and I sat down.

"It's begun."

December 25, 1981

I shivered, pulling my coat tighter around my too small frame and bulging belly. Remus stood beside me in the Godric Hollow cemetery, two roses in hand. It was too cold this Christmas, in more ways than one. I took one of the roses from Remus and slowly got to my knees in front of a new headstone that read, "James and Lily Potter, beloved friends and parents, taken from us far too soon."

I placed the rose at the base of the headstone whispering, "It's Christmas, guys... I miss you." 

Remus knelt beside me, wrapping a comforting arm around my shoulders. "I wish you guys could be here right now," he whispered. We were both silent for a few moments, and I thought about the passed Christmases, all spent in the company of those who weren't with us anymore, one way or another. 

My shoulders shook as the sobs I had been pressing down forced their way to the surface. "No, no, no, no. This is all wrong. Why- How could I let this happen, Remus!?" I dug my nails into the earth, as if that would let me hold my friends for one more second. 

Remus pulled me into him, wrapping  both his arms around my shaking shoulders and burying his face in my neck. He held me as I cried, heart wrenching sobs that seemed to steal the air from my lungs. My hands found their way to my pregnant belly, and I cried harder, remembering the other part of myself I had lost that day. 

"Remus," I choked through my sobs, "I miss him... I miss him so much I-" 

I raked my nails up and down my arms, trying to make my body feel as much pain as my  heart and mind were feeling in that moment, trying to reconcile the fact that I had lost not only my best friends that day, but also my husband, my lover, and it hurt like hell. 

Remus caught me hands in his own, wrapping me in a hug and whispering through his own tears, "I know.. I know. I miss him too. I miss all of them." 

We sat there, curled into each other on the ground in the cemetery for a long time, neither of us ready or able to move away from that spot. When my sobs had turned to sniffles, Remus stood, helped me up and said something about getting me inside. It had begun to snow, big fluffy flakes that stuck in our hair, as we began to make our way back home. 

Before we left the cemetery, I looked back one last time at the headstone. The two roses in front of it were the only splashes of colour in a sea of grey, white and black. 

"Happy Christmas Prongs. Lils," I whispered. I let myself be led away by my husband who was as lost and broken as I was. I looked to the sky and whispered it again, hoping it would somehow be carried on the wind to the ears of the only person I still had a chance to get back. I vowed then that I would do whatever it took to get to Sirius, to free him. 

"We'll find a way," Remus said, his voice thick with emotion and tear in the corners of his eyes. "We'll find a way," he said again, almost to himself before pressing his lips to my cold forehead, like he and Sirius would always do. "I promise, Little One."

——————————————————————————

Regulus Black died on June 28, 1979 after being sent on a mission by the Dark Lord. He was killed by the Inferi, corpses that have been reanimated by a dark wizard, that resided in the particular cave that the Dark Lord ordered his horcrux locket be hidden.

Orion Black died in the year 1979. The date is unknown, as is the cause. 

Gideon and Fabian were not killed on December 24, 1980. There is no exact date, but it is estimated that it was before Halloween of that year. However, for the sake of the story, I made it so. 

James and Lily Potter were killed October 31, 1981, by the Dark Lord. He came into their home in Godric's Hollow with the intent to kill their 1 year old son, Harold James Potter, for being one of two possible children prophesied to end his existence. 

Sirius Black was taken into custody November 1, 1981. He was accused of betraying the Potters and of killing Peter Pettigrew, and 12 muggles. His innocence was never legally proven, and he sentenced to life in Azkaban. However, he escaped in the autumn of 1993. He died and innocent man in 1996, killed by his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange, after a battle with the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. 

Peter Pettigrew lived as the rat Scabbers from October 31, 1981, until June 6, 1994. He returned to his human form when forced to by Sirius Black. He escaped, returning to his master, the Dark Lord, and serving him until his death in the April of 1998. The hand he had been given by his master strangled him to death when he hesitated to take Harry's life at the skirmish at Malfoy Manor. 

Remus Lupin died May 2, 1998 in the battle at Hogwarts. He was killed by Death Eater Antonin Dolohov. 

——————————————————————————

Well. I am thoroughly depressed now.

I hope you felt something while reading this. That is all.      ~Miaka 1/19/23

[apoetsworld]

James: Tell your brother that its important to talk about his feelings!!!

Sirius: pfft why?? Its not.

Regulus: SEE. We grew up just ignoring every feeling, and look how great we turned out!

James: THATS TRAUMA, YOU WERE REPRESSED-

Regulus: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY THAT ITS JUST MY PERSONALITY, MY LIFESTYLE-

James: YOUR TRAUMA-

Regulus: TRAUMA BUILDS CHARACTER JAMES

[ye-olde-trojan-horse]

remus was james’s gay awakening (he’s the casanova of gryffindor tower, so duh)

sirius was james’s gay ‘confirmation’ (they kissed once, and james knew he wasn’t straight)

then james said hmmmm I want a combination of both, and ended up with regulus.

[nicoloowiarchz]

Regulus, opening up to James: My own mother thought i was a monster...

James: Oh, Reggie--

Regulus: She was right, of course, but it still hurt.

James:

[electryone-moon]

Regulus secretly put a protective enchantment around Pandora’s lab so she would be safe from any volatile potions or backfiring spells.

This meant that Pandora didn’t realise just how dangerous her experiments were because they’d never properly injured her.

In 1979, Regulus went for his little swim.

In 1989, his spell wore off.

In 1990, something went terribly wrong and with no protections in place, an eight year old Luna had to watch her mother die

[that-bitch-kat3]

baby sirius: mum am i adopted?

walburga: of course not.

walburga: why would i ever choose you?

[adharastarlight]

James: aw, he's cute

Reg: *applogises when he does anything, trips in front of James and almost falls down the stairs* sorry-

James: oh... he's traumatised and cute

[lilyevansmywife]

Sirius who always squats down when he talks to kids because it makes adults seem less scary. I love you i live for you

[floralembarrassment]

Mistakes (1/1) (jegulus)

Regulus didn't know what he was going to do. He was so worried James was going to be mad. James had never been mad for this type of thing before, but here he was looking at his 4-year-old's crayon scribbles all over James' book draft.

Regulus hadn't realized what the stack of paper was and told Harry he could grab pieces to draw on from the pile on James' desk. When he came back from getting him some water Regulus saw the printed text of the nearly-finished story covered.

"Oh no," Regulus had said when he realized. Harry pouted and when Regulus started picking things up trying to fix it, Harry knew he had done something bad but wasn't too sure what. His small face quickly filled with sadness; He didn't want his dad to be disappointed in him.

James was going to be home any minute, and sure enough Regulus heard the car pull in the driveway. There was nothing he could do, feeling himself go into a mix of protect and fight mode, he couldn't keep his expression neutral. Harry read the fear because it was all over his face and started to cry.

James walked into a very upset household. He had gone to call out his usual happy hello, but he heard his son crying and walked into the living room to see Regulus cradling him in his lap, whispering reassurances soothingly to him: "tu n'as rien fait de mal, c'est moi qui t'ai dit de l'utiliser, c'était juste une petite erreur."

"Hey..." James said tentatively.

"Okay. Listen- James it was just an accident. I'm so sorry but I told Harry to grab paper from the pile on your desk and he grabbed your manuscript instead and drew all over it, but it wasn't his fault okay I told him too, blame me." Regulus rushed out, holding Harry a little bit tighter.

James understood what was happening right away. "Love it's okay, simple mistake. That's just the draft anyway," James said walking over and kneeling down next to them. He put a hand on Harry's back.

"It's okay son, just a little mistake yeah?" James said softly. Harry turned his tear stained face to look at James and then held his arms out for James to take him into a big hug.

Regulus immediately calmed, but his eyes stayed cautious as he watched James pick up the pages Harry drew on.

"Reg, we should frame these!" James said after looking at them. "Honestly how cool that he put his art on mine and now it's this abstract." James said turning the page to see it from different angles, forever finding the bright side.

Then James turned around and grabbed the crayons, "here," he said handing the paper and crayons to Regulus. "You draw on there too, then we can all have a piece of it!" James said.

Harry was smiling from his lap now as he watched Regulus transcribe the notes from the the lullaby James and Regulus had made up for Harry.

"We will put it on the fridge for now, yes? Then get a frame on the weekend!" James explained and Harry followed him into the kitchen to watch James hang it with a "special magnet" Harry picked.

"You okay?" James asked as he saw Regulus lean in the doorway.

"Now yes, was a bit freaked out for a moment. Sorry about that..." Regulus said dropping his gaze.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about." James reassured and then pressed a sweet kiss on his head.

[siriuslybowie81]

Remus: "Eich bai chi i gyd yw hyn" (welsh)

Sirius:" I know,I know. I'll fix this"

Remus:"You speak Welsh?"

Sirius:"My parents made sure I know the phrase "this is all your fault" in every language"

[marauderswolf22]

a person will say "oh yeah, i like this characters story and personality a lot" but the story and personality in their canon is THEIR story and personality

[severussnapemylove]

Worst Snater take I’ve seen is “Well I was abused too and I don’t behave like that.”

Well good for you, a real person with free will and ability to heal and grow, acting morally superior to a fictional character.

A lot of people in the Snape fandom have been through the shite and are also healing and getting better. Doing well does not mean you can’t have empathy for a character who never got the chance or help to heal.

[moonyishot]

*Sirius and Remus fighting*

*Remus yelling at Sirius*

*Sirius shutting down*

*Remus' blood going cold as he realizes what he did*

Remus: Sirius, I...

Sirius: Dont

[lyrashifts]

anyone ever have dreams so completely awful that they'll take them to the grave

[ninety-two-bees]

thinking about james and regulus and that quote that’s like “if you ever feel like what you experienced wasn’t bad enough, please remember that you never should have had to go through it at all”

and it just feels like a very them conversation to have idk

[radiohead-spiderman]

Guys, Sirius canonically did not care about the prank.

He shows ZERO remorse for what he did, I don’t know why this fandom absolutely adores absolving the marauders of their flaws, but it’s quite annoying. Sirius, canonically, did not care or feel remorse for what he did, he in fact justified what he did, and I love Sirius, he’s one of my favorites but come on, he sucked as a teenager, as did all the marauders.

I’ve also seen a lot, a LOT of people try to make Sirius’ actions come from a place of self defense, or some type of retaliation for something that Snape did but that’s also incorrect. His exact reasoning is(down below)

"It served him right," he sneered. "Sneaking around, trying to find out what we were up to... hoping he could get us expelled..." -Sirius in POA

After that Remus remarked that Sirius did it also because he found it amusing, and Sirius did not interject to disagree.

Also, a lot of people forget how important the prank was to James’ character, up until that moment James was to put it bluntly a complete dickhead to Snape, and vice versa sure but James was a dick, however he went out of his way to save him, and sure you could argue he did that for Remus more than Snape, but he still saved Snape. Diminishing the prank to just wolfstar angst is objectively incorrect.

Anyways, I still like “the prank” angst, but really guys, he did NOT care like at all. I also feel like there is so, SO much more angst potential with Sirius’ canonical feelings, rather than the angsty “it was a mistake” route that the majority of this fandom takes.