#literally every person i am close to irl it's just so tiring like having to keep up with them talk to them and whatnot

[pepprs]

it’s that time of year where i want to remake my blog so so so bad it’s unreal and then i don’t. lol

[shhh-secret-time]

is me again hiiiii:•)

you don't have to do it right away, but the sp writing fandom is pretty busy with irl stuff from what i can see and i'm literally dying of withdrawals from no lovesick-idiot mccormick like its such a vital need for me to be alive. suave kenny is great, but STUPIDLY red-faced kenny fumbling a corny pickup line? [SLAMMING THE TABLE]

if you have a crumb of anything at all with kenny being a dummy when it comes to his lover, spare please if you want actually i'm not forcing give it now it's ok 🤲

ALSO HOPE UR DOING OK!!! :•D

- 🪼

Well hi you! I'm glad to see you back! I hope you guys don't mind that I combo'd yours together again! I'm so glad more of you are asking for Kenny! I couldn't resist the "Can't take a compliment to save his life" Kenny. Because same.

Warning: NSFW, Strong Language, Bad Flirting, Praise Kink

Pairing: Kenny x GN!Reader

The way his hair lays across your lap makes it look like little strands of golden thread. Such a peaceful look on his face would make any man jealous. That little thought tickled the front of his brain, how lucky of man he was.

Kenny opens his eyes just a bit, heavy lids beckoning him to close them again. It takes all his willpower not to listen to the sleepy siren song. But how could he even consider that when you look so beautiful.

He takes in every little detail he can. Watching your eyes move across your phone, it's hypnotic. You're not paying attention to him and sometimes he likes it that way. Getting to admire you in peace like this, without you trying to hide the things he loves so much about you.

But sure enough, when you feel his loving eyes on you, you stop and raise a brow down at him. He can't stop the lazy smirk that tugs at his lips. It makes you smile in return and Kenny feels his heart pounding in his chest.

"How's the most beautiful person in South Park feeling?" Kenny purrs up at you.

His flirting makes you chuckle and run your fingers through his hair. It only encourages him, you know that. Just a bit of attention from you and he becomes an addict wanting more and more. All you did was smile and laugh, and he's already pushing for more of that sweet sound.

"I don't know, how is he feeling?" You hum softly as you push the shaggy bangs out of his face.

You have to stifle back another laugh when you see his eyes widen. Even more so when a small blush begins creeping up his neck. He'd be lying to himself and any God that was listening if he thought you were going to shoot back like that. His heart wasn't ready, not by the way it slammed against his chest.

"You're a big flirt Angel. C'mon now, don't upstage me at my own art." He says trying to recover from the little counterattack.

"But Kenneth," Oh the way you say his full name. Even in that playful tone, it would make him stand at attention. "You're the real piece of art here."

And oh, the way your fingers trace down his jawline, like you're trying to memorize all his features on touch alone. Kenny's breath hitches in his throat, hoping that you don't feel the way his face heats up under your touch.

"S-Sweetheart. You're laying in on a little thick."

"Am I? I don’t think I tell you enough."

How can you sit there and tell him something like that so easily? The shade of your eyes holding such a deep passion. You look at him as if he's the most precious thing in the world, like the most devoted would their God.

"I don't think you hear it enough. I love you, Kenny. I love you so very much." You pause for only a moment, "From the way you smile at me with that earnest smile. I know you're trying so hard…even when you're tired, you're smiling and it's so beautiful."

Fuck.

"Oh, and the way you take care of those around you. I could go on for hours about how I adore you for that. You always make sure other people are happy before yourself. That heart of yours is gorgeous."

Fucking shit.

"And the way your eyes light up when you get excited. Oh, it's so cute! Pretty lavender eyes, I get envious when they're not on me. How could I not admire you as art?"

But they are! Always! He wants to tell you that, but the way you speak so softly. The way your voice drops to a whisper, tracing his lips as you speak. He can do nothing but open his mouth in awe. The blush on his face deepens and crawls up to the tip of his ears.

Just as he throws his arm over his eyes, burying his flustered face into the crook of his elbow, you let out a laugh. The sound rings out like a bell, a sound he wants to remember for the rest of his life.

"Kenny, don't hide from me baby~. Please." You know his weakness, a whisper against the shell of his ear in that pleading tone.

Kenny groans and slowly moves his arm away. He's barley able to look you in the eye. The way he tugs his bottom lip in between his teeth tells you everything you need. His face is such a deep red you think his skin is going to be permanently stained by that cherry color. In between nibbling on his bottom lip, the soft pink flesh quivers into a wavy line. From the way his fingers tap against his knuckles you know he wants to pull his hood up and pull the strings to hide his face.

So, you take them in yours and bring them up to your lips, pressing a kiss onto his bruised looking knuckles. You trail your kisses from his knuckles to the palm of his hand where you nuzzle into the warmth.

"And how could I forget these hands. These hands that protect people… these hands that hold me when I need it. The way you touch me with them makes me feel so loved." You hide the little smirk in his palm, watching the way he tries to hide into the side of your thighs.

"I-…I do love you. I love you so much." You think you hear him moan but it's hard to tell from the way his muffled voice barely reaches your ears.

If it was there’s no way you were going to let him hide them from you. You let his hands face go and cup the side of his face. Just like before you bend over and guide his face back towards yours. Your lips brush against his not quite kissing them yet, you want to see if his mind is still working.

Luckily, it still is. Once he registers that you've got your beautiful soft lips on his, he presses into them with a shaky breath. It feels like he can't catch his breath the way the kiss pulls the air out of his lungs. The rhythmic pounding of his heart picking up speed made its way up into his ears. Every time you pulled away traces of mint would make his mind hazy, only for your lips to anchor him right back in.

Kenny's kissed you before, plenty of times he'd ambush you and pepper your faces with an assault of his love. He’s snuck up behind you and dipped you in his arms, placing a passionate kiss before you could even register what was going on. A few times it earned him a smack on the shoulder or a punch but every time it was worth it.

Kenny's kissed you with want and need behind every little press of his lips. Everyone who knew him knew he was a physical lover, expressing admiration in touch. What better way to tell you how badly he craves you than with a long-drawn-out kiss?

Kenny kisses you with a toothache, how sweet you taste moving your lips across his.

He reaches up. His fingers through the locks of your hair, intertwining fingers through them so carefully one would think you were made of glass. His faded lifeline brushes against your chin and settles right on your jaw line.

His lifeline.

You.

"I love you." Kenny repeats himself.

"I love you too." So do you. Sneaking in the affection, weaving it between the kisses that just won't stop.

You can't stop, not when you can feel all the love, he's giving you. Normally it's his tongue that sings your praises. Kenny McCormick gave you all he had and more. He was a well of devotion and how you wanted to just keep pulling from him.

But sometimes you needed to remind him to take his fill. He could take from you more than he does, that it was alright to be a greedy man. That he didn't need to give so much without getting a little in return.

"No other man makes me feel like you do. When my time comes, I'll always remember you Kenny and all that you do." You whisper with that beautiful smile coming across that gorgeous face.

God if you only knew what you were saying to him. If you knew how heavy your words sat in his heart. You'd remember him? Through everything you'd remember him.

Your words echoed in his mind, your voice sounds like you are worshiping him. It should be the other way around. It's always been the other way around. He was put on this earth to serve, and when the universe gave him you, he was rewarded. Every time he felt the cold embrace of death, he'd wake up the next morning with his head in your lap.

Warm and safe. Home.

Does a man like him deserve more? Does he deserve to have his heart beating so deeply from your praise. Did he deserve to feel the way your lids lower, staring at him like he was the low lamp light of heaven?

"Can I tell you something Ken?" You start to say, snapping him out of the spell you've put him under. "I think I'd love you no matter what universe we were in."

Did you know just how much he'd do for you? The things he'd do to get back home to you. That there wasn't a god or death in the universe that would keep you from him. What he would do to anything that tried to get in between the two of you?

That was it. This is what was going to take him out, but if it was you maybe he wouldn't care.

Luckily it doesn't, not this time anyway. Kenny pulls away from your touch, sitting up with his back facing you only for only a moment. He knows he hasn't said anything in a while, but his silence doesn't scare you. You know him better than that. You know him better than any person has even bothered to.

He twists his body until he's facing you with either leg resting by your hip. His knees propped up to cage your body with his. Hands find home on your waist, pulling you into their lap. Kenny tilts his head like he's going in for another kiss.

"I know we would. I'd find you and give you my heart every time." Confession never sounded so saintly, not by the way Kenny says it.

The blond doesn't even seem to mind that his face is still a deep crimson, that he's all but shaking while holding you. The man's a lovesick fool.

"And I'd give you mine. My Kenny."

"My Angel."

Lips connect again ending the praise and sweet names. Hands begin exploring bodies, mapping every inch of skin. Calloused fingers push up against your soft skin and Kenny can't help but damn himself for how rough they feel against you.

But you seem to love it. You seem to love everything he does. When the pads of his fingers trace up and down your spine it makes your arch your back, chest pushed into him. The barrier of clothes has never really been a problem for Kenny, but tonight they were the source of his frustration. He needed to feel you against him, to touch you and feel that warmth that makes his skin buzz.

When your shirt is peeled off you expect him to dive straight towards your flesh like he had done so many nights like this. Instead, his hand comes up to the back of your neck and he presses his forehead against yours. He calls you an angel again, reminding you that you’re his, before his eyes trail down your form.

Why couldn't he just put into words how you made him feel? Put it in a way that wasn't a stupid pick-up line or some filthy comment. Kenny wishes he could just tell you, tell you how you're the only thing that makes him feel like this. He wants to tell you all the things you're so quick to tell him. But he can't. He can't form love on his tongue like you. He forms love on his tongue the only way he knows how.

His head dips down right where your shoulder connects with your neck, pressing a kiss into tender pulse of your heartbeat. Hoping it'll carry down your body landing right where it needs to. The pleased sigh it pulls from you tells him that's exactly where it went. Kenny speaks to you through chapped lips on skin trailing down your neck. Where he'd normally leave red splotches, tonight he leaves promises.

I love you. - a kiss on your collarbone, he lays you on your back against the bed.

You mean everything to me. - he bites your flesh and swirls his tongue, tasting you.

Don't forget this, don't forget me. Please. - he begs with a shaky sigh as he comes up for air only to dive right back to the other side of your neck.

Your hands slip into the folds of his orange jacket to push it down his arms. He tears himself away from you just long enough to grant your silent request. Sitting on his knees, he tosses the jacket to the side where it disappears somewhere in your room. Next is his worn-out tank top that leaves him bare to the cool air.

"You're so pretty Ken." Your voice and hand beckon him back down as you trail fingers up his chest.

He groans into the crook of your neck followed by a soft moan. He can feel himself slipping each time you compliment him. The feeling fuels him further, tugging your bottoms off. You feel him fumble for a moment until his thumbs hook into the waistband of your underwear, there he smooths out the flesh under them with the pads of his thumb. Rolling your hips up against him, you can feel just how pretty he thinks you are.

"M'gonna make you feel so good baby." He promises as he finally removes the clothing separating you.

He finishes removing your underwear and starts working on the rest of his clothes. Pants with a silver chain on the side and boxers that only served to keep him away from you. His silver necklace dangles off his neck between the both of you as he crawls back over you. Somewhere along the way he hooks his arm under your leg, pushing it up towards your head. His other hand follows by skimming up your thigh and gathering it up into his palm. They guide your legs apart, opening you up for him.

"I know you will." You laugh. Not at him. But in a way that's so carefree, "You always do, you're so good to me."

Kenny's hips buck forward in response pulling another sweet moan from you. Another one of many he hopes. He bites his lip when you take his member into your hands, gently guiding it into your warmth. It's slow the way he nudges the tip against you, opening you further to him. He wants you- needs you to memorize every inch of him so he takes it slower. Sinking further into you until he bottoms out.

Moans mix in the silence of your room. Until you lull your head to the side with that same pleased smile. "That's it. You feel so good Kenny. Come on love, have me like only you can do."

He almost feels bad when he squeezed your thigh, so sure that you'll complain about the bruise later, but you know what you're doing. You know praising him lead to this point, even if that wasn't your intention. To pull a gasp from him was just a little treat, one you were happy to have again and again.

When he drags his cock out of you, you mewl and squirm under his grasp. Your back arches again trying to encourage him to take more of you. Every long drag brush against your walls, every move feels calculated. He knows your body, knows where to push and grind to pull every sweet sound out of you.

Every time you call out his name, he feels his control lose and any other time it wouldn't be a problem. Right now, he hates it, he wants to take this slow and show you what you mean to him. But he can't, not when you press a kiss onto his throat whispering praise after praise into his pale flesh.

Kenny's hips snap forward, long slow thrusts have turned to sharp quick ones. "Say it again." He pants in-between each slam, "tell me you want me."

"I want you! God, please!" You cry out just as you wrap your arms around his neck.

"Again!"

"I want you, Kenny!"

"Fuck!"

He can feel it, he's at the end of his rope. That fire at the pit of his stomach is raging, consuming too much, but he can't finish yet. Not when you haven't. He inhales trying to focus on making you feel good. Making you feel like the way you should, but it's so hard when you're clenching around him and saying all the things that make him weak.

That's when he hears it, the way your tone pitches up an octave. You're not moaning anymore, they're silent cries of pleasure. Your nails dig into his back, and he hisses, you're close. So close.

"Ken- I'm gonna…I'm gonna cum!"

He doesn't even register when you do, not when you pull his own release from him. Kenny's moan is muffled by the way he turns his head and captures your lips again just as he spills himself into you. His cock twitches and throbs inside you, where he stays locked and connected for a few more beating moments.

A breath.

Shame washes over him, this was supposed to be about you. He was supposed to take his time.

A heartbeat.

Show you just how much he loves you because this was all he was good at. All he was ever going to be good at. Using his body to-

A laugh. Yours.

You're giggling and peppering kisses across his face. Gentle hands cup his face and hold it there. That smile that wakes him from the internal battle he put himself through.

"Kenny! You're crushing me baby!" The way you say it makes him think you don't really mind. The way you kiss his nose makes him think you're just happy he's in your arms. The way you hold him makes him think. Why'd he ever wants to be anywhere else. He smiles and presses his lips into your cheek blowing a kiss, lips make your skin vibrate.

Kenny’s just happy to have a home.

[djpachipikachu]

do graves!leosagi ever get tired of their friends/family labelling them?? like maybe leo’s bros make fun of him for having a “boyfriend” and he gets like rightfully irritated by that ?

its Kinda amusing bc eventually leo’s family at least straight up thinks theyre just really good pals and its like wow ! friendship ! in a more oblivious sense like they just kinda shrug and go oh yeah usagi’s here again whatever

originally mikey was insanely insanely suspicious of usagi and what his relationship was with leo (“hes literally just a friend” “YOU MEAN A BOY-FRIEND. AND U NEVER TOLD US.” “what am i supposed 2 say do i update u guys every time i make a friend” “If I See This Fuckinf Rabbit Sleeping In Your Bed Again I’m Telling Dad” “WE WERE HAVING A SLEEPOVER”) (mikey was mainly shocked bc leo invited a friend to sleepover who they didnt know And leo didnt tell anyone there was an extra mouth to feed for brekkie) but once everything was smoothed over usagi just became another regular, similar to how april is

leo himself tells raph that its a little more than that but only raph rly knows it and hes always had a hunch about them so it didnt change much in how the brotjers saw the two

usagi’s family on the other hand is definitely more “Boyfriend? boyfriend? boyfriend? crush? romance?” kitsune teases usagi about how dramatically romantic it must be to fall for a guy he hated in the beginning and usagi is like . so filled with Eugh. This Is Not Romantic. ick feeling that it causes him to be more in denial at how close he’s gotten with leo (in the beginning at least , later on kitsune still teases him but he’s more at ease with how him and leo are, so he always jusy goes “ew no im not kissing him dates r gross” but over time she toned it down to more “ooh is someone missing a certain kappa?” kinda teasing rather than “whens the wedding/has your first kiss happened yet lmao/etc” kinda teasing)

hana calls leo his boyfriend like all the time and like . usagi doesnt rly correct her bc she’s 8 and he doesnt know how to explain that they “arent Really boyfriends sure they do things that couples would do sometimes but its platonic and well you dont rly know what platonic means uh”

so she gets a pass on all her “IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND” comments since usagi is just like “yeagh its leo u wanna say hi”

auntie notices how leo visits a lot and she kinda just is like “okay ur like my kid now. lol.” she thinks they are just best friends bc usagi said they are and who is she to think otherwise, she kinda just absorbs leo (and later on the hamatos) as her own family and doesnt question their relatiomship much

chizu and gen tend to stay out of usagi’s personal business like that But gen did think that leo was a girl for a good while before he was ever introduced to him . and he was like “usagi if you wanna pick up the ladies u need like. do better. than this” “what. What” “like take a shower man” trying to give him flirting/relationship advice without actually knowing leo at all and also assuming usagi is straight

all in all its never really serious if people call them boyfriends or just best friends bc they dont really care to correct anyone it only matters if its like “so did you hit the [insert romantic relationship milestone] phase yet haha” bc that gets tiring to hear constantly

mainly all their family is just like “oh okay” at their relationship since i dont Really want to make the hardships of being aroace or being queer a big point since we already struggle enough with that irl ! a few details here and there about how their unlabelled status confuses some people but generally just a “we’ve seen weirder shit who cares” kinda energy to it

i love rambling . Thank you for the wuestion ily /p

[dailysystemaffirmations]

more ranty because of irls and stuff (not little safe to read) /// i really am just so close to making my own system server because there are so little system servers who don't allow irls. i don't want to share a space with people who want to act having DIDOSDD is fun having multiple irls (unless episodic) isn't possible i don't want to be compared to every time i talk about genuine shit like how hard it can be to seperate from source and how i miss people from source for some delusion to say they understand me. they don't understand and most IRLS i see are just roleplayers. they don't treat me as a person but as a character and it annoys me and letting irls into these spaces just because they are a delusion further puts the idea that introjects are just characters

i don't want to feed into peoples delusions they shouldn't even be in system spaces from what i have seen they are constantly disrespectful to us and turn their back immediately when they get confronted about the bullshit they are spewing and act victim i'm just so tired of wanting to be in a server that accepts me as is and to see irls in the server and no one seeing a problem with it and a literal rule stating no reality checking

and to also add here irl is a stolen term if anyone is confused on why i am using irl (as it was just used as a fictionkin term i believe?) the term was stolen for people who experience the delusion grandeur (correct me if i am wrong) having the false belief that they are someone else and just don't go on tik tok and look for these people it their community is so heavily anti recovery it disgusts me

[aratakatism]

I saw Ryan Gosling at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Snickers in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

can we honestly e date? you’re so beautiful. You always make me laugh, you always make me smile. You literally make me want to become a better person… I really enjoy every moment we spend together. My time has no value unless its spent with you. I tell everyone of my irls how awesome you are. Thank you for being you. Whenever you need someone to be there for you, know that i’ll always be right there by your side. I love you so much. I don’t think you ever realize how amazing you are sometimes. Life isn’t as fun when you’re not around. You are truly stunning. I want you to be my soulmate. I love the way you smile, your eyes are absolutely gorgeous. If I had a star for everytime you crossed my mind i could make the entire galaxy. Your personality is as pretty as you are and thats saying something. I love you, please date me. I am not even calling it e dating anymore because I know we will meet soon enough heart OK I ADMIT IT I LOVE YOU OK i hecking love you and it breaks my heart when i see you play with someone else or anyone commenting in your profile i just want to be your girlfriend and put a heart in my profile linking to your profile and have a walltext of you commenting cute things i want to play video games talk in discord all night and watch a movie together but you just seem so uninsterested in me it hecking kills me and i cant take it anymore i want to remove you but i care too much about you so please i’m begging you to eaither love me back or remove me and never contact me again it hurts so much to say this because i need you by my side but if you dont love me then i want you to leave because seeing your icon in my friendlist would kill me everyday of my pathetic life.

[catherinekal]

How to Love Yourself

Lets talk about how to love yourself.

Why?

Well here’s why. I want to talk about many topics related to mental health and bettering your life. A process I’ve been slowly trying to do for my own life and no sense keeping any advice I’d have to myself. To even begin the process though you have to tackle what is the most important, the most central, the core of all positive mental health.

You have to love yourself.

Ok so here’s the thing. I have typed almost 7000 words about what is probably the most important thing you can do for your mental health. It’s also one of the most difficult things to do for a lot of people (myself included) and all to often people give this advice and don’t elaborate. Understandable as someone like me elaborating ends up being an entire goddamn novel, but it’s important someone does and I think people need to hear it.

I’m tired of well meaning people giving this advice only to then get disappointed, upset, mad, or frustrated when just telling someone to magically love themselves doesn’t magically fucking work. You should love yourself! Make no mistake the advice is good.

However, just telling someone, especially someone who’s going through a crisis, to love themselves and expecting that to work suddenly is stupid. Its a process. A process I myself still struggle with literally every day. Telling someone to love themselves and just wiping your hands and going “well looks like my work here is done” isn’t enough. Self love is brutally hard for many people and without certain strategies and slow steps taken it just won’t come to a lot of people.

Full disclosure, I am not a trained professional.

I don’t have a psychology degree or would ever call myself an expert on those matters. Just a silly film degree that sits in a closet not being used. I’m not therapist, but in a better life I would be. I think I’d be good at it honestly. But I am not and neither is this. This does not mean it can’t help as I wouldn’t have typed it then. Just that I don’t want anyone treating this as any replacement for professional help.

Do not take any of this as professional advice and certainly don’t use this as a shorthand for therapy.

However, remember you don’t need any degree to help people.

What I do have is an understanding of my own mind and the difficulty of self love. See here’s the thing, so much self help advice and guides come from people who are well off. They’re in good relationships. They have loved ones. They’re comfortable with their appearance. Their needs are met. Not saying those people shouldn’t give advice of course, but let’s be honest with ourselves, it can be frustrating when people who have every reason to be happy expect you to just magically change your negative thinking when your situation is well, utter shit. I get that frustration. Of course it’s easy for YOU to love yourself with your good life, but mines horrible so why should I do the same? A thought that comes all to easy.

So here’s my qualifications. I hate my appearance. I live alone. I have 1 IRL friend I basically only see at work. I only have 2 other people I consider my close friends and they live in another state across the country. I’m trans with parents who I’m dreading finding out as they won’t accept it. I have depression, borderline personality disorder, and the ever lovely dysphoria at my own body. I am extremely touched starved. I moved to another state to live with people I love who now hate me. I work a shitty retail job that pays only just enough to get by.

I frequently hate myself. I frequently feel inadequate. I’ve been abandoned on more then 1 occasion from relationships and friends. I was literally depressed and spiraling down a negative hole just recently a few days ago. Hell I think about daily and have made 3 attempts at...well.. I won’t say the word. Though unfortunately you can’t talk about self love without addressing self hate and you can’t address self hate without going into THAT topic. Rest assured I will put trigger warnings before and after when I get to that topic. Skip if you must.

So as you can see I’m perfectly unqualified to talk about how to self love, which ironically makes me very qualified in my eyes. I’m not sitting atop my mountain of a wondeful life demanding you just love yourself and be happy. I get it. I understand. Life fucking sucks and I know many obstacles that get in the way of self love. I understand how hard it is. I know that me or anyone just telling you to love yourself and all your problems will be solved won’t work.

Of course I can’t love myself Catherine! I’ve got (insert list of all my negative traits and problems in life) why would I even think I should love myself!?

Well lets get into it. Strap the fuck in because this will be a long one. You had plans tonight? Fuck em time to read about self love instead.

Part 1: Actually Wait! Let’s Address Causes For Self Hatred.

Before we even get into steps to self love we need to talk about self hatred. If you struggle to love yourself then chances are you find it really easy to hate yourself instead. I can relate to that very much.

Why would anyone hates themselves? Well that answer will change from person to person and rely on specific individual things to them. However, I can talk about why I’ve hated myself for so long and why its so easy to just be in that place. No one truly wants to be hated or hate themselves, but lets face it. Self hatred is safe and easy. There’s a certain comfort in viewing yourself as nothing but trash and thinking everyone should do the same.

Can’t disappoint anyone if you’re hated to begin with can you? Disappointment comes from love right? Someone you love hurting you creates disappointment. Creates pain. If you hate yourself you will encourage others to hate you as well so you never have to risk getting hurt by others.

I feel guilty over many past mistakes. People I’ve hurt. I hyper focus on my negatives (shouts out to my lovely depression for helping me do that, fucking bitch of a mental illness) I have no path in life, no sense of self (I blame BPD for that, the other bitch of a mental illness I have) I don’t take care of myself well. I feel like I haven’t even begun to live life and I’m 30. I have very few friends and what friends I have I’m always wondering, are they just tolerating me? Do they really care or are they just afraid of what I would do if they left me and don’t want a guilty conscious?

I have every reason to hate myself.

I could list so many names of people just in this past year alone I’ve hurt. Losing the perfect relationship I was in. The many friends I had. Getting banned from a community I loved. Joining new communities and then the cycle continues. Making friends, spiraling emotionally, pushing them away, losing them, getting banned. Repeat. Living alone and barely talking to anyone in person. Seeing my ex at work and getting the death stare that just cuts through my fucking soul. Hating myself comes all to easy for me.

So I get it. You’re talking to the fucking queen bitch bee of self hatred. Well maybe not, but I certainly understand the feeling of going the whole day just thinking your shit and that you deserve all the horrible things you’re feeling and just wishing for the worst.

Part 1.1: You Should (Not) Kill Yourself

Trigger Warning! Uncomfortable Topic Ahead

Until you see this text again the difficult and dark topic of suicide will be discussed. Skip if you must.

So yeah the worst. You know, that fun S word.

Suicide.

Personally I can talk about this topic all day and will do a deeper dive into it one of these days. For now lets just keep It simple or as simple as I can.

When you’re so absorbed in the void. So lost in it and spiraling further down this is where you’ll usually end up. How the hell do you love yourself when your mind is filled with thoughts of going back to that gun store, getting a pistol, and doing what you should have done months ago to end yourself? Very specific thoughts I’ve had many times since December when I in fact almost bought a gun to end my life with. Funny how easy it is to get one as an American.

So whats to be done when your mind is in that state? How do you stop it?

You don’t.

No really. You can’t in that specific moment. Trying to love yourself when your mood and mind are this far deep just isn’t going to work and shouldn’t be the goal then. No your goal is to

1. Let the mood pass. Go through the motions and wait to it to pass as it will

2. Survive. Seriously. Whatever you need to do to survive, do that.

I know not complicated advice or steps, but very important and needs to be said. If you can do those 2 things then you can make it to where you’re able to love yourself. Do not beat yourself up for not seeing the hope and love when you’re in the fucking deepest void. Fuck the people who do that, judge you for not just feeling better when you’re in that dark place. I’ve been on that end and it just pushes you deeper down.

If you have people who can watch over you physically in person go to them or ask them to come to you. If not (like in my case) I go to my couch and cry. I force myself to stay on there. No sharp object or pills in my immediate reach and well, let it flow. It has to pass and forcing it to just stop simply won’t work. You can’t logic your way out of suicidal thoughts when they’re happening.

It doesn’t always work as I did survive 3 attempts so far. All within this last year at that. Being abandoned by many people you love all at once will do that to you. You noticed I didn’t give the advice to reach out to a friend in my simple 2 step plan. I would love to give the advice that you should reach out to a friend, but I’ve had friends leave me for doing that. You should be able to reach out to friends, but alas people will drop you like a fucking rock out of their lives when they hear you’re suicidal. Ironic I know. This is one area I am still baffled on and can’t relate to even remotely.

So fuck It! Reach out to me if you have to! Suicide talk ain’t no problem with me. I don’t know why, but regardless it’s true. It’s not a topic that scares me and I hope you have friends or family that feel the same way. I really should make a post about how to handle suicidal friends specifically shouldn’t I? Another day perhaps.

Know that this dark hole you’re in can be escaped. Look at me. Still alive.

You are not a bad person for thinking of suicide.

You are not a bad person for attempting suicide.

You are not a bad person if people left you due to suicide.

You deserve love and to love yourself.

If there’s anything to showcase the importance of self love it’s to get as far away from suicide as possible. I believe in you!

I personally hate how people treat suicide victims as horrible people for daring to reach out or attempting it. Fucking disgust me. But what can you do, but be better for others then others were to you.

Survive and claw you’re way out. You’re not alone. Not while I’m alive.

Trigger Warning Over! Now We Can Get Back To Actually Learning How To Love Yourself :3

Part 2: Guilts A Fucking Bitch Isn’t It.

A common thought in my head when it comes to self love is why do I even deserve to? It’s easy to beat yourself up, especially when you know you’ve hurt people you care for. Isn’t that just the fucking worst. It’s one thing to hurt just someone you don’t know, but when loved ones get hurt and you are the cause. Yeah that shit causes a wave of guilt, a wave that can turn into a vortex, a spiral of guilt that you get lost in.

So the thought process is this, I did X bad thing/things. I hurt loved ones and ruined something good. Therefore I’m a piece of shit and no one should love me, including myself.

Oh hey that’s me this entire last year. Shits fucking hard to break out of and getting into a pattern of self punishment is very easy. After all you are a bad person and you do deserve to be punished right? You don’t deserve silly things like self love or any love when you’re supposed to be suffering for all the pain you caused right?

Wrong! See guilt isn’t bad. In fact you should feel guilt over things, that’s good. When you fuck up feeling guilt is a sign of growth. It means you acknowledge you fucked up and that’s far better then hurting others and just thinking you’re the only one who isn’t a problem. Hopefully you learn (its ok if you don’t soon though because I sure as hell didn’t) and do better. Thing is guilt can consume the fuck out of you. Especially when you just have a list of people you’ve hurt or ways you’ve fucked up.

I’ve done some fucked things. I have loads of guilt and it can be overwhelming. I’ve broken so many goddamn boundaries, been emotionally abusive, manipulative, used self harm as a way of hurting others, and was responsible for ending a friendship that lasted years. I could list more and if I was in a negative spiral I could go on forever for why I deserve to suffer. I feel like shit. Well I do often I should say, but hey self helps a journey and not a race.

Lets actually look at one of my “sins” as it were. When I was responsible for ending a friendship. I won’t be giving actual names, but just first letters so as not to put the names of people out there who wouldn’t want that.

Long story short I was living with my now ex-girlfriend, I’ll call her M. M eventually got tired of my bullshit and had to move out and live with her good friend, we’ll call her A, in another state. So how did I end that friendship?

I find out a month later that A had kicked M out of their place and just what in the fuck? See A and M were really really good friends. Such good friends that A drove many states over to pick up M and have her stay with them. So to then find out something happened between them and A kicked M out of their place was just a fucking shock. M is physically disabled to so like its doubly fucked what A did.

Of course my mind is thinking this whole event is my fault. After all if I was better for M, she would have never needed to leave, which then led to whatever happened between them(to this day I still have no idea what went down).

This led to me feeling even more guilt and also a hell of a lot of anger for A. I already had a rocky relationship with A for many other reasons and learning this made me want to fucking beat the shit out of them (I’m very weak and would have gotten wrecked if I tried, but irrational anger do what it will do) I hated A and I hated myself. Someone I still loved was now left homeless and its all because I wasn’t good enough for her.

Except, well… hold on... my guilt there was bullshit.

See here’s the first step with managing overwhelming guilt. Take a step back and really assess if you should feel guilt in the first place. I didn’t cause whatever fallout happened between them. I didn’t make them fight. I wasn’t the one who kicked someone out of my place. I only felt guilty because I indirectly caused a situation that could have happened irregardless of me. That guilt was misplaced. I can’t be feeling guilty over the actions of someone else just because I’m spiraling in my dark void and finding every possible reason to hate myself. The anger was justified, but you gotta stop feeling guilty for things that you simply were not responsible for. That situation was caused by them, not by me.

Another example is the guilt of being trans and knowing my parents will be disappointed. Despite what you may assume, they are good people, but also old and christian. They love me, but yes, they will not like me being trans. It will hurt them. No amount of pointing out why that’s wrong will change that reality.

However, whenever they find out and whatever they feel, is not my fault. That’s guilt I shouldn’t feel. I am who I am. I can’t be feeling guilty over every little thing that’s ultimately not my fault. That’s not healthy.

Ok Catherine maybe I can shed some guilt I have when really looking at these things, but come on. No ones perfect, what about the very real guilt I feel for the very real horrible things I did?

Regardless of what you did, or who you hurt, I am saying right now.

Forgive Yourself

But you don’t know what I did!?

I don’t care.

But I did this horrible awful!

I don’t care.

I fucked up!

I don’t care.

I don’t give a single goddamn fuck what you did. Not at all.

Forgive Yourself

You could be reading this in fucking jail cell after taking someones life. If you are genuinely working on improving yourself, bettering yourself, working to help others, helping yourself, and striving to be better then whoever you were. You deserve forgiveness and that includes forgiving yourself. I’m aware this statement might not sit well with others and I also don’t care. I cannot be changed on this stance. I feel very strongly about this.

See when we say everyone deserves forgiveness I truly do mean everyone who makes an effort.

Even if others don’t ever stop hating you, you deserve to stop hating yourself over whatever the hell you did. No one has to forgive you, but you sure as shit deserve to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is key to end the guilt spiral. Yeah you fucked up. Yeah I fucked up. I hurt people I loved, hell people I still love. It happens. Take the time to suffer and feel bad but don’t let it consume you. You owe it to yourself to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt after enough time. Then work on being better the next time.

You deserve to love yourself.

Part 3: Lets Identify Those Positive Traits!

I don’t deserve to be loved because I’m (insert list of only negative qualities I have about myself) I’m a piece of shit! I’m not good enough! I’m a burden! Everyone who loves me can find better!

Such common phrases I’ve given about myself and people who hate themselves repeat those often. Well fuck it lets list them for me. Lets first just look at all the negative traits I have about myself.

I’m ugly, I have a shitty voice, I have intrusive thoughts, I think about death often, I am emotionally needy, I have depression, I have BPD, I’m not in the right body, I get angry fast, I am emotional, I have no skills, no talents, everyone who says they’re my friend is just tolerating me because they don’t want to deal with the guilt of what I might do if I was abandoned. I’m a burden. I’ve hurt others. Ect. Its easy to list negative traits about yourself and even easier to turn positive traits into negative ones. Seeing good in yourself is hard with depression in my experience, but even without it, exaggerating your negative traits is all to easy to do.

However, it is vital to embrace your positive traits in order to practice self love. Lets turn a positive spin or just reveal how some of those negatives aren’t as bad as I make them out to be all to often.

I’m ugly?

No I’m not tons of people have called me cute and pretty. One day I’ll even be hot and you all better be fucking prepared.

I have a shitty voice?

No I have a normal fucking voice. I’m soft spoken and mumble a bit but that can be changed with practice. My voice can only get better whenever the hell I do voice training to.

I have intrusive thoughts?

Yeah I do. Hell I’ve even acted on some of them, but do I act on most of them? I wouldn’t be alive if I did trust me. I have self doubts, my emotions can flare up and cause intensive intrusive thoughts, but guess what? So does everyone, that shit is normal. Why beat myself up over it?

I think about death often?

See above. I sure do and yet I’m still here.

I am emotionally needy?

Sure. I am. I’ve got years of trauma with a particularly horrible last year and severe abandonment issues. I have diagnosed mental illnesses. I’m just now really discovering who I am. Guess what, I’m allowed to be a little emotionally needy given the circumstances. It will get better.

I have depression?

Sure as hell do, holy shit do I! Brains a bit fucky and that’s ok. Depression isn’t a negative trait. It’s just an aspect of me. An aspect I have slowly taken steps to manage. Mental illness’s aren’t negative traits. Just how your brain works.

I have BPD?

Very much yes. Oh its fucked so much of my life and very hard to manage, but it also helps me key into negative emotions of others. Helps me be very empathetic to those like me. Helps me be non judgmental to those who feel like me. To many people abandon and hate people with BPD. Me having it allows me to empathize with others who also have it and work towards being a more positive force in their lives. Sure its very negative at times. Like depression though it’s just how my brain works.

I’m not in the right body?

True. I’m trans. Its unfortunate I have to deal with it and so many others have to as well. But I’ve taken steps to achieve the body I desire more. Very slow steps, but steps all the same. It also helps me now be more empathetic to issues as both a guy and girl being in this transitional space.

I get angry fast?

Yeah I can get angry fast at certain specific things. Anger is not a negative trait its just anger. It’s what you do while feeling it that matters. I don’t physically harm anyone or anything. I can yell and say mean things, but that's hardly enough a reason to hate myself. Sure though this one can slip through. I do get angry easily and can lash out verbally when in that state. 1 Negative trait so far.

I am emotional?

Yeah. So what? Why is this negative again? Oh right its not.

I have no skills?

Bullshit! I can type massive fucking essays about mental health no problem. That’s a skill. Fingers get fucking tired though. I can edit video. I can do basic 3D modeling. I’m a very good listener and I do list that as a skill. I can handle heavy dark uncomfortable things friends need to get off their chest. I’d honestly make a good therapist if I studied it. There’s more to list if I took the time to write it all down. Just need to really think about it and be honest with yourself.

No talents?

See above.

Everyone who says they’re my friend is just tolerating me because they don’t want to deal with the guilt of what I might do if I was abandoned?

Well that’s not really a trait about myself, but lets address it all the same. Is this true? Well I got 3 main friends and none of them are fucking dumb. None of my friends would waste their time tolerating me either so guess what? Must mean they’re genuinely my friends. Many former friends have left me but that’s on them. It’s certainly a fear I have deep within me with my current friends. An understandable and justified fear given this past year. It’s certainly not a negative trait though.

I’m a fucking burden?

Am I? I mean yeah I have been. People have left me for that. Surely this is a negative trait right? Sure. I’ll give myself that. Except well… I mean I’m trying to love myself and improve myself. I’m trying to better myself and be less of a burden on my loved ones. It’s not easy, but working to improve on this negative trait is not enough to hate myself. 2 negative traits so far.

I’ve hurt others?

See part 2 on guilt.

I’m not broken. I’m not useless. I’m not a waste of time. I deserve love.

So do you.

Here’s the thing, I get it. It’s easy to see the worst in yourself and disregard evidence to the contrary. You say your ugly? Your friends say otherwise, but the mind won’t accept or see it. You say you don’t deserve love? To someone who very clearly loves you. You still don’t accept It. Brains be fucky like that. Just not seeing whats so obvious to others. I can relate very much.

I want everyone to do this. Simply list any positive traits you can muster about yourself. You can’t? Ok just list things you’ve done. Anything you’ve done no matter how small or simple it is. Things you’ve made, people you’ve helped, and anything else you can think of.

If you can’t even do that and you can only think of the negative traits of yourself then try to spin all those negative traits you have in your head into positives like I did. Really look at them and see if you can find ways this trait isn’t as negative as you think.

Here’s some positive traits about me.

I can cook. I’m a good worker. I can open up myself to others to help them. I’m very good about texting/DMing back. I don’t mind listening to others, no matter how dark or intrusive the thoughts may be. I enjoy pleasing others. I’m caring. I’m cute as fuck. I’m very vulnerable.

That vulnerability is good. If I wasn’t vulnerable I couldn’t be typing all this now could I? There’s a risk of getting hurt myself, but that risk could very well lead to others reading this and feeling better about themselves and so vulnerable I shall be.

I’m trying to better myself and in turn better others.

It’s hard. I get it. Genuinely even trying to think of positive things about myself is still difficult and I know if I asked others they could list more good things about me. However, listing them is nothing compared to actually accepting them as true. When you’re stuck in that self hatred spiral you can’t see anything positive about yourself, therefore loving yourself is off the fucking table. So repeat them, embrace them, and accept them over and over again while you’re mood allows you to.

But even if you don’t accept them yet, list them. Ask others to give you more if you can. Just keep listing them every day if needed. Get that positive reinforcement going.

Don’t let the self hatred win.

Part 4: What Do You Want? Head Towards It

What the fuck do you want in life? Well? Ask yourself. Figure that shit out.

I know that’s not easy. I’m 30 and still fucking around trying to figure that shit out. Here’s why it’s important though to stop and just think about what you truly want. You make goals and you head towards them inch by fucking inch. Progress leads to good feelings which leads to being more open to loving yourself.

What do I want?

I want at least 1 person to truly love me, all of me. Even more would be even better. I want a job I don’t hate. I want friends nearby I could visit. I want to fully transition. Fuck it I want to be hot as fuck. I want to fuck. I want to experience more cool art. I want to learn how to cook better and begin baking. I want to travel. I want to use my past life mistakes as experience to guide others in other directions (it’s what this entire post is) I want to help others. I want to die happy.

Now I can’t focus on all of that at once and that’s ok. The point of a list like that is to get a general sense, a blueprint, of where you’re wanting to go. Find one or a couple to work towards and as you progress you’ll find self love will come just a little bit easier. May seem like obvious advice sure, but obvious doesn’t mean easy to do.

So what steps am I taking? Well I’m forced to learn cooking living on my own and I’m saving up to buy tools for baking. I’m taking hormones. I just got myself new glasses after a goddamn decade. I made a Tumblr which has helped me express myself more. I’m writing this very post to help others. Plus more planned when I can get to it.

Knowing what you want and making little goals is such obvious advice but its obvious for a reason. This shit works. Fucking crazy I know. In order to achieve any of those I have to love myself, even just a little bit, to make that progress. What’s the alternative? I’ve talked about the alternative before and I’m tired of feeling that way, even if it’s still very difficult not to.

I do want to focus a bit on body image specifically. See I’m trans. I despise how I look and since I’m sharing this on Tumblr I imagine other transwomen (or anyone else) can relate. When setting goals, especially goals relating to appearance its easy to get discouraged.

After all will I truly be able to look how I wish? I don’t know. Is that a reason to stop? Fuck no! The goal isn’t to reach 100% positive image with yourself. It’s to work towards that as much as you can. Whatever that image is, that’s up to you, but head towards it. I may never reach that 100% with how I want to look, but I will get as close as I can and the closer I get the easier it will be to love myself. As someone with dysphoria, removing that as much as I can will make loving myself far easier. Its a major hurdle for many people, but especially my trans brothers and sisters.

However being trans is by no means a requirement to have body issues and don’t let anyone say otherwise. Make no mistake, you’re body is fine and you are fine. No one should feel like they have to be ashamed for their body.

Despite that though there is nothing wrong with working towards a look you simply don’t have yet either. Get to working out! It’s what I have tried and stopped and tried and stopped and yeah it’s hard to keep committed, but vital to look how I want. Dieting is a bitch to keep going as well. Don’t beat yourself up for faltering whatever standard you have set for yourself.

Pick yourself up and try again. Work towards an appearance you can be comfortable with however you best can. It will do fucking wonders for self love.

You need shit to work towards to. You need to love yourself to best reach those goals. Its very circular in a sense, they feed into each other in a positive way.

Part 5: Treat Yourself, You Deserve It.

Treating yourself is an act of self love. An act that is unfortunately hard to do for a lot of people.

So this advice wasn’t given to me directly, but someone I follow online talked about it. There’s a guy from a group called Mega 64 I follow called Shawn Chatfield. A fan asked him for advice for finding motivation to get through a shitty week. His advice was hey, everyday at the end of the day, treat yourself. Desert one day, a dinner you enjoy the next, buy something you need/want, ect.

That resonated with me because it really is solid advice, except 1 small issue. Lets amend that advice a bit and make it more applicable to everyone. See Shawns a positive guy I think he’s a cool dude. He’s also giving advice from a more privileged place. He has his dream job, a family, kids, a house, and overall can afford to treat himself at the end of everyday by buying something. Many can’t including me.

However, it’s still important to treat yourself so what do we do?

Here’s what I do. Once a week, typically the last day I work, I either to a really nice sub sandwich place right after work or a nice hot chicken place near where I work. Far better food then any of my cooking and they’re aren’t out of the way either. Could I afford to go out to eat every single day? No. But once a week after doing my shitty retail job? Yes.

If its possible for you financially, set aside some money you can split into 4 chunks to treat yourself to something you enjoy once a week. Shits getting expensive and it’s only getting harder to do this, but if you can then you should. If you can buy yourself something 4 times a month though then please do so. Something that’s not a need, but a want. A treat for getting though this shit another week. After all no sense working most of the week to not use a least some of it to actually enjoy life as best as you’re able to.

Treats don’t always need to be things that cost money like food either. Treat yourself in other ways as best you can. Every week and every day if possible. Whatever it is. Just vibe out to your favorite album alone in your room. Go to a park or some other cool scenic place near where you live. Play D&D with your friends online. Play with any pets you have. Hell get out the magic wand and enjoy a night to yourself haha. Whatever it is be sure to not just relax, but relax in a way that shows you really do care about yourself.

What this will do is not only just be helpful for getting through each day/week, but help change your mind into thinking you deserve nice things. Good things. As you slowly feel like you deserve little treats then you’ll more clearly see you deserve self love right? It’s all about changing that negative outlook about yourself into a positive, one small tiny step at a time.

Part 6: Whats This Meditation Bullshit?

I have only started doing this for a week. So whatever long term benefits of this are I haven’t experienced yet, but the beauty of this is it cost nothing to try and everyone is capable of doing it. I’ll just link the video. This is by Dr. K who is someone I really respect. This entire post is my own attempt at helping others as he does using Twitch/YouTube/Discord. Of course as my disclaimer at the start, I’m no expert with no degree as people such as Dr. K have. Which is why I’m not going super in depth explaining what he already has. He goes into explaining Metta meditation which if nothing else, will help you have a moment of positivity towards yourself and others each day. https://youtu.be/FQ1d5rC062c

It may seem like some love beats all sappy to good to be true bullshit, but it hasn’t hurt me doing it for about a week. Changing how you’re mind thinks is a slow process and whatever helps, no matter how unusual it may seem, is worth doing.

Part 7: Oh Right Go To Therapy

Therapy you necessary but impossible to get bastard. It’s super important. It’s also super shitty to get and afford which is a shame because ITS REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT! See any future mental health bigass post I make are pretty much always going to mention therapy. It’s vital for any type of bettering yourself advice. The problem is, its hard to get, expensive, and takes fucking forever to work when you do get it.

For me I had to figure this shit out on my own this past year. I thought I was going to have help, but my ex friends/relationships didn’t really do shit to help. All I got was BetterHelp.com recommended to me and I mean if that works for you cool, but that was an overpriced waste of time for me. Then my friends left me as I was seeing therapy through that and yeah shit was not a good time for me August of 2022.

I could and should do a whole post on just therapy so for now I’ll say this.

If you know someone who needs therapy or you want them in therapy. Help them find it and if you can afford it and they can’t, pay for it. I would for people I’m close to because what the hell is the point of having money if it’s not being used to help someone after my financial needs are met?

Insurance is a fucking bitch. I don’t know how other countries are, but in America you’re either paying to much for therapy or paying to much for insurance to help pay for therapy. If you have to figure this out on your own expect a lot of pain and frustration. Then you find a place and frankly the therapist just isn’t very good for you so you gotta search again and deal with more wait times and just FUCK!

Therapy needs to be far easier to navigate, find, afford, and just overall it’s a mess to figure it out all on your own. Its super important though and I’m by no means fully well by any stretch, but it’s certainly helped me get to where I am.

Remember none of my previous advice is coming from a professional (well beyond the one professional video I shared) So talking to a professional always needs to be on the table when working to improve yourself, especially to overcome self hatred or really anything.

Part 8: Alright Lets Wrap This Shit Up.

Fiiiinnnneeee. I guess I should get to the end.

So in summary.

1. Recognize and acknowledge you’re own self hatred and survive first and foremost through those thoughts. Survive first then focus on getting better once you’re able to. Do not beat yourself up to much.

2. Truly ask yourself if you should be feeling all of the guilt you may feel and work on forgiving yourself over past mistakes.

3. Identity your positive traits and really examine any negative ones you have and ask “are these truly as negative as I make them out to be?”

4. Figure out what you even want from life. Where do you want to head to? What goals do you have and strive towards them as best as you’re able.

5. Treat yourself once a week or more to the best of your ability. You deserve it.

6. Metta Meditation. Gives yourself a little moment to wish happiness onto yourself and others.

7. Therapy. Get you’re cute self to therapy.

There you have it. Steps I’m taking for myself and steps you should take yourself if you struggle with self love like I do. I have no doubt many people far more qualified then me have given far better advice to achieving self love. Regardless, this past year these are what I’ve come to learn work best for me, even if I’m not fully there either.

Self love is important. Without it shits just not going to work out. I’ve learned that plenty in the past year and have suffered plenty for it.

Hopefully this helps someone haha. I spent days typing on it on and off. Not quite 7000 words, but close to it. And if you thought this advice was stupid or wrong or a waste of time to type! I wish you well and hope you have a good day alongside with every else.

Time to start thinking on the next one.

[artekai]

Wow, they weren't kidding. Those nightmares can really hit you in your fears and anxieties

Vent under cut (if you read you have to promise not to judge and not to let it affect your perception of me)

I just dreamt that one of my friends texted me something along the lines of "Hey, I need to level with you. I found a romantic partner, and while this hasn't happened before, they fulfill all of my needs so let's not talk anymore" so basically just telling me they didn't need me anymore because they had a partner now so I should stop talking to them. And I know it sounds stupid and like it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things (it's certainly far from the worst I've had), but fuck has it been hard not to be afraid I'm gonna be left alone lately, and my brain just had to spell it out for me. I swear my heart physically hurt when I woke up lmfao, that's how bad it scared me.

I have to imagine it would be easier to deal with the actual, concrete, physical problems I have irl if I weren't also constantly anxious about losing everyone I care about. I'm a terrible friend so I don't see why they shouldn't get tired of me soon and move onto someone better. I know at least they deserve better. And what else do I have going for me if not my friends? They're the only reason I'm still sane. Fml.

I hate that I'm like this. I hate that it genuinely scares me to the point of making me feel physically sick. I've been getting the urge to self isolate again - granted, I've been busy and exhausted so that also makes it harder to socialize - but a part of me still can't help but feel like it would be easier to take it into my own hands, to strike first so it doesn't catch me by surprise. It's my fault that I'm afraid to lose anyone, anyway, for daring to let myself get close to them in the first place. But it always feels so good at first, doesn't it? I always get carried away by that feeling, even knowing what's inevitably coming, sooner or later.

I can't help but think I'm a horrible person for thinking that way, too. I literally come here and publicly display red flags every other day lmao. So I don't understand how my friends still think I'm worth being friends with. Why they didn't jump ship early on like the ones who did. They were right. I'm not worth the risk. I really aren't.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but there is something really wrong going on deep inside, and I really do feel it every day. No matter what I do I'm gonna end up hurting someone I really care about, either by pushing them away or pulling them in close, and I'm not sure which possibility scares me more. I should've stayed alone when I had the chance. It's not fair of me to drag others down with me - to drag really good people who don't deserve it down with me. Just because being alone was starting to hurt me. How selfish, isn't it? It was downright stupid to think I could do things right this time. I don't think I really believed it, I just wanted an excuse.

I really do hate myself a lot. I hate this is how I am, and how I feel, and how I think. I just wanna curl up and cry and forget there is a world outside of me at all. What I've really needed for a while is a shoulder to cry on. But when I try to open up to someone it feels like they jump straight to offering advice or trying to cheer me up or just get uncomfortable and change the topic, and, if they don't, I feel pressured to wrap it up quickly so as to not burden them too much. So how am I expected to open up when it feels like I'm not welcome to do so in my own terms? I'm so sick and tired of bottling shit up. I just want to let things suck sometimes. Because they suck and it's exhausting to pretend it doesn't affect me.

Sigh. I really do just need to break down in someone's arms. But really I just wanna lay down and die. Fml.

[ace-sher-bi-john]

Me, feeling lonely: I should try to make more friends

My brain: Here's a list of all the reasons why we don't do that,

I experience hyperfixations which take up all of my mental energy to the point where I barely have enough energy to take care of myself. I can't handle having more than two obsessions at a time, and even that is draining. When my friends talk about their obsessions, I try really hard to listen, but lose interest quickly if it's not my current hyperfixation. In turn, I love to infodump and obsess over small details in my hyperfixations. I try really hard not to do this when talking to people because it feels very self-centered. Like they would care about hearing every single detail about my obsession, with no room for them to talk about their interests...

I'm an introvert and find human interaction exhausting unless that person is my mom (who I could literally talk to all day and never be tired, and she in turn would never tire of talking to me). Even talking to friends online is super exhausting and I overthink everything I say, which is even more exhausting

I have zero ability to gage how close I am to someone. I don't want to make things awkward by being super clingy, because several friendships failed throughout my life due to me being clingy and only wanting to play with one specific person even if they didn't feel like playing with me. So I've overcorrected and now I don't make any attempts to progress in our friendship out of fear of appearing clingy. I'm either the most clingy friend or the most distant friend. Friendships require a healthy balance of both and I am incapable of that, so I go for the option that will be seen as the least annoying/selfish and we remain at best really good acquaintances

My interests are very specific and change every couple of months. Even if I found someone who was obsessed with the same thing at the same time, as well as my more niche hobbies, the friendship would last as long as my hyperfixation. Once we no longer share common interests, I would inevitably talk to them less and less until one day, we're no longer friends. My brain would no longer find that person interesting and I would forget about them

I believe that I have it in me to be a really good friend. To get it right. But it would be at the cost of myself. I would try to make enough room in my brain for everyone else's lives and I wouldn't have any interests of my own. I would constantly be exhausted.

So instead I choose the option that sometimes makes me happiest, but other times leaves me sad and lonely wondering why I can't just be better at being a good friend?

I do have friends IRL. I have four people who I would consider to be close friends, possibly even best friends? Two of them have given me the label of being their best friend. But I don't talk to them as often as I probably should. I talk to one of them almost daily for hours at a time, because they just so happen to be obsessed with BBC Sherlock, the MCU and cosplay. But I fear that the second my BBC Sherlock obsession ends, I will stop talking to them.

Outside of those people, I don't know where I stand with anyone who's not family. I have my old classmates from high school. Some of them I talked to every day and had friendly interactions with, but I don't make any effort to stay in contact with them now and didn't feel much of a connection with when we were in school. I have my co-workers who I don't feel much of a connection to, but they're always happy to see me and sometimes interact with me in a way that makes me feel like we're friends. One of my co-workers hugged me before she went home on the day before she started her holiday break because she was going to miss seeing me everyday while she was off. That caught me off guard. I guess we're friends if she felt close enough to me to hug me?

Apologies for the rant. I just really needed to put that somewhere. I won't make a habit of this.

[httpiastri]

as happy as i am for lissie and marcus (even though I knew they were already together because I literally watched them make out with my own two eyes) it was honestly my last straw. I’m so tired of seeing everybody on my social feeds happy and in relationships when I’ve just had the worst week of my life and have basically given up on falling in love because if I can’t even drive how am I going to go to places where I’ll meet people?!?!? i have spent every Valentine’s Day alone while my friends go on elaborate dates and I’m just so so tired

not the make out sesh 😩 oh to see them with my own two eyes irl... what a pretty sight it would be

this got quite personal and hit a little too close to home so im putting a lil keep reading thing

love :(( i’m truly sorry you feel this way... but god i felt this ask so much... first of all, i'm really sorry about you having a bad week. it's completely fine to feel the way you're feeling, it must really suck, but i'm sure you'll get the license and you'll be driving shortly!! i am keeping my fingers crossed for you ❤️

i’ve always been very calm about relationships and love, very much “i’m not in a rush” and “it’ll come when it’s time”. i’ve always been a hopeless romantic but i haven’t been stressed about it – i’ve always been so busy that i haven’t really had time for love, and i've been okay with hearing about friends and their great love lives while i've spent pretty much every weekend and holiday alone at home. but… eventually, it becomes exhausting, you know? when falling in love for real just seems so far away and like something so hard to achieve in some way....

i also kind of feel you on the driving part... i decided not to get my license for a bunch of reasons, and idk how i'll get around without driving... but also as i am still living with my parents, it just seems impossible to meet someone, because where would i bring them? home to meet my snooping parents?? no way

i think we just gotta hold on to the hope that when it is the right time, it will happen. i don't believe in the whole "don't rush it" thing, i think that we're all allowed to seek and chase love if we want to, but i also think it's okay to take a step back and just breathe and be okay with the situation. unfortunately, our current day society is so formed around relationships, soft launches and hard launches and dinner date pics on insta and public proposal videos, that i feel like the pressure easily gets overwhelming. there's also something in the way that people think other people's love lives is any of their business, like friends and relatives asking me why i don't have a boyfriend, as if a partner is something i need to live my life? surely it would make it better, but i don't need to be reminded and hurt yet again over the fact that i'm alone, when i'm just trying to move on in life...

i'm trying to stay patient, open to any opportunity, and remembering that social media is merely a highlight reel and not reality. i hope you too can find peace in remembering that things will get better, we just have to work through this first. we will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. darling, if you ever need something from me, want to rant, or anything else, know that my messages and inbox are always open 💗

[neowinestainedress]

lucky you i wish i had a kpop friend who is mature enough and lives in my city because for example i really really want to go to see the nct dream movie but i don’t have someone to go with + at least in my country everyone who likes kpop is so corny and cringey so idk where am i gonna find a normal kpop friend 😭😭

and yes, sadly i’m going alone because as i said no one knows my secret (call me hannah montana) beside like 5 friends? but they live in my old city. the worst part tho is that the concert is going to be on another city (that i used to live back in 2019 because i was studying there) so i will be leaving my house at 2am so i can arrive at 6/7 am… that will be interesting cause i will be SO tired

oh you’re EVIL that reaction pic left me more confused now like which theory was correct??? omg or don’t tell me mc will end up with jaemin plot twist

yes, gatekeep gaslight girlboss 💋💋

the enemies to lovers trope is one of my fav tropes ever i just love the fights, the tension, the need to catch the other’s person attention but not admitting even to themselves and everything about it and gladly haechan literally OWNS it and i just love his personality cause he’s so playful and funny and ugh not to be delusional but haechan is the definition of what i like in a man 😭😭

“but if i get sick of keeping it in the drafts it might come out around 6pm cest” OH YOU’RE EVIL CONFIRMED!!!

the fancalls today were a little too good i’ve been screaming all day watching them and i find so cute how jeno is all flirty but shy meanwhile haechan is a menace and is a confident flirt like I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE LEE DONGHYUCK WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME????

- 💌

i'll come with you wherever you are to watch the dream movie, they won't even air it where i live 😭😭😭 no but it's really hard to find normal kpop stans irl, i'm lucky i've known this friend bc we went to high school together and we have the same music taste basically and she was the one introducing me to kpop. i avoid irl kpop stans like the plague

2am??? o my, i hope you won't be too tired. anyway drink a lot, try to sleep when you can and have fun!!! i'll be with you mentally ♡

i told you i'm having the time of my life seeing you go insane eheh you'll find out soon (jaemin would be a good plot twist... or maybe renjun...yk...he's close to her...)

the enemies to lovers trope is one of my fav tropes ever i just love the fights, the tension, the need to catch the other’s person attention but not admitting even to themselves and everything about it and gladly haechan literally OWNS it and i just love his personality cause he’s so playful and funny and ugh not to be delusional but haechan is the definition of what i like in a man 😭😭

FELT THIS DEEP IN MY BONES!!! it's so good and yes, haechan fits it perfectly because he's not arrogant, he's playful and teasing so that doesn't make him a bad person, he's just funny and brings a lot of tension i gotta cry now

no cause they can't be left alone ajskdl also every time i forget how flirty they are, like i know it's fanservice but they are a lil too good at it. especially hyuck he KNOWS what he's doing. he wants to kill you, see, he's more evil than me

[taraxacum-vulpes]

YOU do all of them!!!!!!!

you can still ask a free question :eyeroll:

What is your nickname? I don't think I have any they're mostly like one-person-specific 😔 or like just my name my name is short enough

When is your birthday? i don't celebrate and i'm still trying to choose a date 😔 rn jan 01 but considering oct 22 (tartaglia anniversary day)

What was your longest relationship? like... 9 months... it's not going good for me chat

What is your favorite book? ermm for the blorbos Shadow of the Fox - Julie Kagawa, for worldbuilding/plot/literally everything else, The Finishing School or The Custard Protocol - Gail Carriger (what a surprise i don't shut up about them)

What is something you're insecure about? the lengths i will go to be accepted by people is EMBARRASSING!!!!!! i need to get a grip

5 Male/Female celebrity crushes i dreamt i was flirting with this one person i follow on ig a while back. i think i sent you his leon kennedy cosplay. still giggling a little. i wouldn't call it a crush though

What is your dream job? getting paid 500000 every day forever and ever for being cute

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment? enduring the horrors. also getting my cousin to like me.

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe? ermmm i think all of my ginfacts are pretty believable 😔 i love public speaking and presenting it's so fun. i peaked w my projective geometry presentation last year.

What were your highs and lows for this last month? my classmate and i met up for school but outside of class yesterday and i'm still riding that high. my math prof was happy w me i finished all of the hw for this exam 😋 but also The Horrors.

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit? i would kill to see a teamlab exhibition. but like. any interactive/immersive art exhibition. pleasepleasepleaseplease

How do you de-stress? I don't particularly get stressed? probably youtube. those 1-3hr lets plays yk.

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr? I probably use discord the most?? my mewts are in there.

Describe yourself in one sentence. the horrors persist but so must i

What do you think makes you attractive? ummm i hope my energy?? i'd like to be able to light up a room (one day i'll get there 😭) physically though i like my eyes

What is something you're really good at? ermmm baking 😋

What is something you're really bad at? i can't make pancakes to save my life. you put a pan and a stove and ingredients down in front of me and it's either burnt, misshapen, disgusting-tasting, or all three.

A time that you told a lie. "No, I didn't forget" i did. 100%

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know? there's about 4500-4600 species of cockroaches. about 30 of them are commonly known as pests, with the most common in the states being american, german, brown-banded, and oriental. they generally prefer dark and humid areas. bathroom roaches are pretty common.

Who knows you the best? ermm rex aside, probably rowan tbh.. 😭 maybe doll or tired

What is your most prized possession? the rowkitty plush. he comes with us everywhere. him or the saki tenma doll my irl crocheted for me for valentines day (also lives in my bag)

What is your longest friendship? i think irl 4 years? 4 and a half? online i think jake or lane. jesus christ the passage of time

When did you first feel like an adult? i am not and i do not feel anywhere close to it 😭 but maybe like Being Taken More Seriously when my parents/teachers started casually swearing around me.

Do you/ Have you played any sports? I did soccer for 3 years? spring and fall. i've been doing figure skating for the past 6, but not as much this past year bc of The Horrors 😔

How are you feeling right now? the horrors (eating cold overnight refrigerated rice) (it's so dry chat i can't do this) but i just got the THIRD batch of cakes out of the oven and this one finally looks good 😭 the horrors have been sooo mean to me today the other two recipes didn't turn out good. the first one had too many eggs the second one . felt like a hockey puck tbh. the second one i can probably assemble and give to the neighbors but idk what to do with the first one. it tastes. like something.

Are you an early bird or a night owl? tired all the time avian. maybe slightly leaning night owl.

Do you believe in love at first sight? no but i'm definitely a victim of infatuation at first sight. it's so bad.

Favorite song lyrics right now? ummmmmmm i can't decide 😋 maybe carnivore starset or like the dawn the oh hellos

What does self care look like for you? takoyaki and forge labs

Describe yourself with 3 singers. MCR, Royal & the Serpent, Yunomi

What makes you nervous? ermmm the only thing i can think of is drinking around people/in public?? bc i don't like taking my mask off like at all at all i'll explode if someone sees me without it. or like having to do something new, even assisted

What’s a pet peeve you have? specifically bc of mermay but tails that fold like legs... like knees... i can't do it. that looks like it hurts so bad. anyways people that consider liking twilight style vampires as monsterfuckery. that's just a human with spice sorry.

What will always make you cry? EP 7 VIOLET EVERGARDEN it gets me every time man. also yuri on ice.

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people? ummm good natured, i hope 😭 but probably weird (/neg) at first

[rainingmbappe]

i just listened to star by mitski and i won't lie to you that song was in my recommended for a few days before you had told me about it. i didn't check it out at first cause i don't listen to mitski that much (she makes me cry lol) but when you recommended it to me i thought "why not then".

i cannot really explain what i felt the first time i listened to it, yet i'm insanely grateful i was able to have my first listen because of you. even though the music video looks so "effortless" it feels so intimate and looks genuinely really beautiful. her expressions create a whole world, and i feel like a swiftie just describing everythingndfbsfbh but at least i can say that mitski is a real lyricist genius. (side eyeing the 14 y'os saying TTPD is the best album in the universe).

"keep a leftover light burning" this is so powerful idec, i always keep these memories with me, these times that made me so happy. and even though they don't feel so vivid anymore, they taste like leftovers yes, they warm my heart still. i can't even, i wish i had the ability to describe how i felt listening to that song (i'm listening to it again rn). i never had any relationship but i hold platonic love so deeply, much more than any romantic relationship i could ever have. i know this sounds contradictory and pathetic but i feel like i can be much more intimate with a friend through the things i feel and the things i say. i know i will never be judged by a true friend, i know i don't have to meet these certain expectations with them that would be needed in a romantic relationship (of course they're not the same but bfdbsjbfs idk if u get me).

i love to talk about anything with you, you feel so close and it soothes my soul to know that i'm not alone feeling so incredibly deep for some things people don't bat an eye for.

i was outside today with a friend and when i walked home i was drinking the last few drops of my redbull (this sounds so ridiculous) and had to look up and my eyes met the sky, i froze for a moment seeing the clouds move so fast because of the wind and i thought of you. i don't know, it feels comforting to know that we are both looking at the same moon, at the same sky, at the same sun. that even though you're a whole continent away, you're not that very far from me in reality. it's all about perspective. compared to the size of the universe that is always expanding, you're like a feet away from me.

sorry i'm talking too much, i'm just in my feels it's late and i miss you i wish i could have ig so we could talk about anything forever. i know that if i knew you irl i would bother you all the time with questions and tell you all the things that go through my mind, i never shut up.

i still have the dorian gray book and every time i read it i think of you. I had highlighted something that made me think of you, you had told me something personal and it reminded me of that thing but i had completely forgotten about it : "my dear fellow, i am not quite serious but i can't help detesting my relations. i suppose it comes from the fact that none of us can stand other people having the same faults as ourselves." i didn't highlight anything else in that book, just that one sentence. i'm so sorry this is getting so long dnjskjbfh you're probably tired of me rambling this much, just one thing, i loved your sky pics and i'm so glad you posted them. you and nikola have a real talent when it comes to capture the best sky pictures, it's like you own it.

i don't know what time it is for you it must be very late, have a good night and i hope you're doing well <3

Stop with the apologizing, you and I both know that I giggle and feel this kind of eternal bliss whenever I see your asks in my inbox. So yeah ssssshhhhhhh

Just wanna say how real that miski thing is. I literally avoid her music cause it's frankly too heavy for the everyday, plus I'm not the bigggeeessstt fan of her sound (still an amazing amazing artist nonetheless). Yk, I've said this a lot in my life, but the pursuit of romantic love seems a bit pointless to me as compared to any other strong bond. People might say that it's my inexperience that makes me say this, and I'm open to change, but I genuinely believe that platonic relationships are the fundamentals of being human. Experiencing such bonds in deep and profound ways stays and impacts people in such great ways. I think about familial relationships a lot too when I listen to star. I haven't lost anyone close in my life, but it's one of my irrational fears. And this song just struck that cord that, frankly, doesn't exist?? So that's so weird, isn't it. Then I started thinking about the platonic side of the song, which made it 939292 times worse loll

(BTW taylor shade SO REAAALLL)

And yes I get you completely. Friends don't jusdge you in that way yk??? Atleast some don't. And that feeling, ugh it's so so hard to describe but you know it if you've felt it.

AND oh my god I teared up when I read the cloud thing. I think constantly about how starting from dinosaurs, to Shakespeare, to messi and you, we all share the same sky. Claimed by none, tainted by none. I love that. We look at the same moon. Our eyes look at the same thing in the flesh. Isn't that bizarre? Its like this invisible string that connects us. And I'm so sorry if I sound weird but. I think of you a lot. This was in March, when I was just thinking about how I'll probably never meet anyone like you again. And I thought you had left for good and forever and that you were lost in the world. Even if I wanted, I'd never be able to reach you. And that thought precisely freaked me tf out. Cause. You would just be lost forever, wouldn't you? And I couldn't stand that thought and I cried just a tinnnyyyy bit (istg don't juddgeeeee). But these asks are literally my whole world. You don't even I don't expect you to but just know that when you sent in that first one, I wasn't sure it was you but had this distinct feeling in my heart. And I couldn't be gladder that it IS you.

AWWWW I say this without exaggeration, if we knew eachother, we wouldn't get work done. Like ever. I already try to make these asks as long as I possibly can to never end talking to you, if we had any way of texting, I swear we'd talk alllllllll the time. And I think that would heal me tbh aodnlsnxlsjdke

Yk I want to shake you and tell you to never ever everrrr be sorry for talking too much atleast to me. If I havnt made it absolutely clear already, I love talking to you and the more the merrier hahaha. No but seriously, i love talking to you. The best yhing about us was we didn't have to pretend like we didn't have negative thoughts. Like all our thoughts we're roses and daisies. We talked about the hard and the bad stuff and then shared our mutual love for the cosmos, it was amazing. It IS amazing

It's almost 1 and I have online school tomorrow. I'm trying soooo hard not to throw a 5 yo-esque tantrum rn (ik online school is not that bad but even then I hate it)

I feel like I didn't respond to everything I wanted to. But tbh I could go on for foreverrrrrr. Maybe I'll edit it in the morning and add more hhehehhehe.

Also. I can't belive you still remember the Dorian Gray thing. I'll go cry now thanks a lot ksksksnzsmsmzwlz

Miss you terribly. I love you and hope you have a great night ahead <3

[chonnyjashh]

WARNING: VAGUEPOSTING, RANTING, SICK OF A PARTNER'S BULLSHIT.

Don't read if you're the person this is about— You know who you are. We met on Amino a few years back.

Idk where else to put this shit so people can see it, but here goes. The reason I don't talk to of yall much anymore is bc I am WELL over getting treated like your fucking therapist, or your sex toy, or a vessel for all your god damn mental illness you refuse to get help for. I made a God damm EFFORT for MONTHS to reconnect with some of yall, who will not be named- And you simply cannot be bothered to maintain a God damn conversation with me, the motherfucker who let you talk about literal ILLEGAL ASS SHIPS between content creators who said many times they're uncomfortable being shipped, let you get me involved with actual motherfucking creeps and sexual predators, let you convince me to block SEVERAL close friends bc you didn't like that they were playfully flirting wit me-

EVEN WORSE, I put up with the mcfucking deadnaming and MISGENDERING during a certain thing I was forced into after, once again, I was proven to not be enough- The same thing that led to both me AND you being sexually abused over the internet for a short period, all bc you HAD to have more than just me, bc I wasn't enough-

And yet somehow I fucking know, every god damn time I read your shitty, vague ass statuses, and ur bio, bc I care enough to check ur account and make sure you aren't threatening to jump off a god damn bridge at 4 in the motherfucking morning again- That you have the god damn NERVE to be pissed off at me for not reaching out either. OF FUCKING COURSE I DONT? Your ass doesn't bother to reply when I try to! And the one time I brought this up to the other person who's supposed to be a part of our relationship, he went and blabbed off to you, leading to you CALLING ME SELFISH?

God, how I wish I had let your ass dump me. Or better yet, called you out for being a raging, narcissistic asshole, and left you myself.

ABSOLUTELY FUCK YOU, BRO.

I can't dump your ass. Though I desperately want to. You've paid for a lot of goddamn food and shit for me. Honestly at this point I'm only staying with you bc I feel bad for letting you pay for my meals. Plus 3 years is a lot of time to up and waste on a relationship.

But oh, how I fantasize about blocking you. About ghosting your pathetic self like you ghosted me.

This relationship used to make me happy, bro. Now I am- Beyond fucking bitter. The thing that set me off is stupid. Seeing your fucking vent status, as usual.

What are you even on about. Guessing something bad happened- I don't want to ask. I don't wanna feel sorry for the man who ships fucking Tommyinnit and Techno, even after Techno literally died irl. I don't wanna feel sorry for the man who forced me to act out sexual assault scenes and got bitter and icy with me if I said I didn't want to. KNOWING I have rape trauma.

I don't like you, dude. You know who you are, you know why I'm angry, and I'm tired of you spinning it back on me.

So- All in all, yeah. I'm not making an effort. But ain't that what you fucking wanted? For me to stop trying? The way you ignore me sure makes it seem that way.

Also, the reason I don't DM you is bc we are supposed to be in a poly thing. I'm trying to include him, unlike you. Unless yall shit talk me behind my back. Fuck you if you do.

Signed,

[MY NAME ISNT FUCKING MAWCE YOU IGNORANT CUNT, IT HASNT BEEN FOR LIKE ALMOST TWO YEARS NOW. READ MY PRONOUNS PAGE ONCE IN A WHILE MAYBE.]

Chonny.

[foreverxdaydreaming]

saturday was overall abysmal from start to finish, and the rest of the week prior wasn't any better.. sunday won't be enough time to recover from it all (plus this now two week ongoing cold) before having to do it all over again on monday.... so tired of this cycle ffs.

sometimes i wish the ground would just swallow me up in my sleep, cause im damn tired of doing this shit every day. i don't even care about the future, dunno why i even bother. irl has been super disappointing for so long now that looking back on it sometimes im just like... wow how has every bleak day felt the fucking same yet years have gone by now ...that's crazy. anyway not to be all depressing on main but i needed to vent into the void for a min bc i can't even drink on these fucking meds but i can't manage any sleep cause of my stress. and since my days have been ruined by people lately, ive kind of undergone that tvd humanity switch thing and no longer have the desire to be social or my bubblier self.. so even media that revolves around (gasp, you guessed it) 🚫 People tm 🚫 has me mad annoyed. im probably so pissed/stressed rn that just someone breathing (loudly ig?) would be the straw that broke the camel's back..... and mind you, i am back in therapy, have been back for awhile, and yet........ i seem to keep repeating the cycle of mistakenly trusting and opening up to those close to me (or just the family fighting again) and then just deciding ive given up on humanity as a whole and that i regret ever being born bc i literally never, not once, asked for this shit. i have, however, repeatedly asked any deity out there to do me a solid, and yet.... no help in making things better or doing me off in my sleep. anyway i'll probably be back to my regularly scheduled personality that was carelessly collaged together over the years soon, but ive been tossing and turning for hours with all of this shit just going at it in my head nonstop, so i needed to vent. tldr; fuck everything.

[karomiiz]

why is it so hard talking to humans 🙃

[mack3030]

Is tim gone forever? Is he gone from tumble too?

Timm is gone from twitter because wellll…

TW: Suicide related Content

So yeah. Tbh he deserves a break. And you know what I’m gonna rant for a second because why not.

You know what fucking pisses me off? The fact that folks like Timm and myself get literally berated, doxxed, harassed, contacted irl, sexually harassed, threatened with legal action, get false narratives made about us, and some people still don’t fucking care or get it.

I shouldn’t have to open my tumblr and see pornographic images of my simself someone else created to sexually harass me. Timm shouldn’t have to open up his twitter messages and see suggestions like he got today. My friend Bucky shouldn’t have had to deal with Cowbuild misgendering him and telling him he didn’t exist. Why? Because even if people disagree with how we speak up, we’re still fucking humans.

But no. This community can’t be fucking decent. I’ve apparently got people on my own friends list feeding info to paywallers by pretending to be my friend. Even telling these whack jobs about my dating life. Yes. Really.

But you know what fucking sucks the most more than the treatment I’ve gotten from these fucking scumbags? The fact that the community stays silent while it happens.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a racist and I don’t talk like those fake screenshots. Am I dumb sometimes? Yeah. Do not I get every reference? Oh sure. And did I make a stupid choice or two in voting as a young barely adult? Yeah. But who the fuck has their shit together before the age of 25? Nobody. That’s who.

Meanwhile I’ve almost lost my fucking job for this community. I’ve had to look my boss in the eye and try to explain how I didn’t made someone’s child that they made up in a fake letter to discredit me suicidal. I’ve stood by and talked about this for so long with only a few folks chiming in, some of whom are friends still, some of whom abandoned me after they believed the false narrative that I’m some sort of hateful racist person. Even people who I praised and said were good people turned on me and blocked me just because they didn’t want to dare message and ask.

I’m not quitting this, but damn tonight I’m sure tired. I’m tired of feeling like I am shouting at the wind and nobody gives a fuck.

You wanna know the irony? I literally was driving home today and had the thought that the only way EA would end up doing something is if somebody died due to these clowns and it was mentioned in their note. Because that’s apparently what they want to have happen. They’re gonna fucking kill someone at this rate, and no amount of blood money from CC is going to absolve them of that fact. Nothing. Y’all came close twice with Bucky. And I will tell you, they told their family that if they died, it would be Cowbuild’s fault.

So I ask you, simblr…do you fucking want that?

At what point is this gonna be enough for y’all to stop being afraid of these “creators” and to start saying something? Because this isn’t drama anymore.

It’s life or death.

And it’s y’all’s move.

I’ll be off for a few hours. Cause honestly, I’m so damn disappointed in y’all for letting this go on this long and get this far.

You wanna do something? Speak up. And make noise. Don’t speak up because you wanna look like a good person and then shut up. Speak up and keep it up, because you are a decent person.

Show me this community is actually worth trying to fight for, because I’m struggling to see it.