#love her but what the fuck was she thinking with the fucking turkey(?chicken??) she found in the garbage 😭

[slurpeesoverromance]

[me with 1 hp] mari save me… mari.. save me mari..

[phoenixkaptain]

I love Stardew Valley and I love the community and I love how we all bond over pixelated chickens like we’re seventy-year-old women bonding over grandchildren- - -

But I get so annoyed with the character hate, like!!! All the characters are great!! All the romance-able characters are great!! I keep getting recommended videos about the bad parts of characters and I just want to scream!!

Penny: lovely. Charming. Kids are a big part of dating her because she teaches kids, of course she’s going to react a bit badly if you hate children. She is trying to teach kids so that they don’t have to have the same life she and her mother do, why do you hate this woman who is just anxious?

Shane: lovely. Charming. Perfect. “He still drinks after we get married, which ruins the whole story” NO. No. Shane is an alcoholic, and a severe one. If he quit cold-turkey, he would fucking die. “Harvey pumped his stomach” HE WOULD DIE. And I don’t care that my husband is messy, he has his own room and I don’t have to go over there!!

Maru: lovely. Charming. She hates working. She loves working on machines. She thinks about machines to build for you to make life easier. She’s adorable. She has a complicated relationship with her brother and I want to help them fix it goddangit because I love fictional siblings.

Elliott: lovely. Charming. An artist. He only leaves his home for like four hours a day. I can really relate to the desire to shave off all of one’s own hair. I feel that in my bones. Also, is friends with Willy and I fucking love Willy so A++

Leah: “she’s a lesbian” She’s fucking bi stop erasing bi rep in Bi Rep the Video Game

Sam: he’s a musician and a skater. This is what the perfect man looks like.

Emily: just the most charming. She has a complicated relationship with her sister because she takes care of her. She works at a saloon, how can someone not love a literal saloon worker? She’s crazy, she’s wild, she’s a flower child, I’m in love with her

Harvey: glasses. Doctor man. Occasionally puts on headphones to not so subtly hint that he doesn’t want to talk to you. This is what the perfect man looks lik-

Abigail: I don’t see a lot of people complain about Abigal, but I’ve seen a few and it just feels like- you guys love Sebastian so much but don’t like Abigail? What type of double standard is this?

Alex: everyone always says not to date him if your playing a female farmer, but honestly, his dialogue only cuts out parts if you play male. Like, he still says he felt different about you from day one even if you’re playing as a girl. The character affected the most by your gender choice in regards to dating Alex is George, and if you’ve already befriended George, he’ll apologize for being mean about your sexuality when he never even said anything mean about your sexuality, which is kind of funny

I never see people complain about Haley or Sebastian, which is fair, because Haley has a cute character arc and Sebastian loves frogs (this is what the perfect man lo-) My only problem is that people praise these two but rag on everyone else when I feel like all the characters are balanced pretty evenly in terms of good-bad traits.

Which trait is which is dependent on the person playing the game anyway, so when someone like me plays, I can’t help but find the characters perfect because I’m very forgiving when it comes to fictional characters’ undesirable traits. I mean, my favourite trait of all is stupidity, pure and unbridled, I’m talking facepalm-inducing, groan-worthy, the type of character people complain about the most; the type of stupid that makes people stop enjoying things. How can I dislike these characters who are cute and a bit awkward and so ready to bed the first hot farmer they come across even when that farmer sifts through their trash and passes out three steps away from their own house and drinks mayonnaise and would eat hay given half the chance. Like come on. They’re all moron-sexual. I can relate to that.

In conclusion: your favourite bachelor and/or bachelorette is as wonderful as you think they are and screw the people who try to tell you otherwise. The characters are great because they appeal to different people. Enjoy the game and enjoy the dating and I swear to God if I see another person say that certain farm layouts are bad because they don’t make enough money- the game doesn’t have a time limit! You can make as much money as you want! You could sell one sap everyday and nothing else and you would still be able to make it to however much money you desire to have. There’s not really a fast way to make ten billion gold, that doesn’t mean that the farm layouts you don’t like are bad and yes I’m ranting just because I love the slopes of the mining farm its layout is chamrjng and picturesque and provides a unique challenge to decorating and placing buildings and it’s actually the BEST farm layout because I just decided so and-!

Stardew Valley is a great game, 10/10 would recommend, and the new update is already great because I found carrot seeds and I like carrots :)

[dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night]

Eden part twenty-two

TW: stockholm syndrome, religion, referenced murder, referenced kidnapping, pet whumpee, creep/intimate whumper

Note: After nearly abandoning this story multiple times, I've finally finished it. I hope you all have enjoyed yourself reading this far.

The drive home was a long one. Try as he might, Ezra couldn't convince himself to feel anything but joyful.

Reasonable emotions, befitting of a real person, refused to be sown in the garden of his heart. He was too far gone for that.

The music playing from Christopher's car radio was much the same that played in their house, and Ezra recognized it as Tchaikovsky. Funny, how a month ago he wouldn't have known Bach from Mozart.

"I love you," Christopher said, as though Ezra could possibly forget.

"I love you too." Ezra stared at the fields rushing past the passenger side window, blurs of winter tinted whites and grays. "Thank you for bringing me home."

"I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving you."

Christopher drove like any man who learned in the eighties, with one hand over the steering wheel and the other relaxed as his side. Ezra had learned a far different position, requiring both hands on the wheel, but took advantage of their difference in education to hold Christopher's hand.

"I may have told my roommates your name," Ezra admitted. "That was so fucking stupid of me. They don't know where you live though. And neither of them have the brain cells to file a missing person case."

"I know half the sheriff's department personally," Christopher assured him. "They won't suspect me. And even if they find you, I have no doubt that you'll vouch for my innocence. It isn't a concern."

"Thank God." Of course Christopher knew how to handle things. There wasn't any need for Ezra to worry. "I couldn't live with myself if I got you in trouble for the… um, stalking and kidnapping and murder."

Christopher laughed, much quieter than Ezra, who broke into mild hysterics. What a life. What a life.

After he had calmed himself, Ezra texted his friends goodbye. It was a hard thing to write, but he couldn't leave them hanging again. At the end of his message, he thanked them for all the good times they had together, and promised to stay safe.

Pressing send was far more difficult than he had anticipated. But finally it was over. He threw his phone out the window so it couldn't be tracked, hoping it didn't pollute anything too much.

Ezra smiled at Christopher, wishing for a shorter drive home. He wanted nothing more in the world to cuddle in bed, and never have to get up again. Holding hands during a car ride wasn't nearly enough.

"I missed your smile," Christopher said. "You're so… handsome."

This was the first time anyone had bothered saying such a thing to Ezra, and it took him a moment to process his joy before responding.

"Is that all you missed?" he teased. "And here I thought I was good company."

"Of course not. I got so horribly lonely without you. I'm afraid adopting a cat wasn't a very good substitute for human company."

"You got a cat?"

Ezra knew better than to be jealous, but he wasn't pleased that Christopher had tried to replace him. Sure, it had been his choice to run away in the first place. But that didn't mean that Christopher just got to move on with his life. No. Absolutely not.

"Her name is Gale. I found her catching mice in my garden. She's a bit feral, but a sweet little thing."

"My grandparents used to have cats. It's a Muslim thing, I think. Because they're such clean animals. They were always fostering half a dozen cats at a time and encouraging the people at our local mosque to adopt them. Man, I haven't thought about that in years."

"My family had a lot of animals growing up. Farm animals, mostly. Chickens, hogs, turkeys, sheep, honey bees, all the usual suspects. But a lot of the barn cats and herding dogs were quite friendly."

"I didn't know you grew up on a farm. That sounds really nice. My family always lived in small towns."

"We moved around a lot. I spent my younger years in Moscow, Idaho, among other towns, and finally settled down during my teenage and young adult years on farmland my parents bought. I think my younger siblings were harder to herd than our cats and roosters."

Ezra laughed softly to himself. How, in all their weeks of knowing each other, had he never asked Christopher about his childhood?

The numerous gaps in his knowledge of Christopher's life had never bothered him before this moment. But now he wanted to know everything.

"When did we get so casual?" Ezra asked. "This feels so… different."

"I prefer it." Christopher slowed his car to allow a white tail deer to dart across the road without being hit. "You mean a lot to me. I want you to be happy."

Ezra blinked a few stray tears from his eyes. "You're the only one. I guess you know that, but it's still hard. I wish I had known you for years, instead of just this winter. My life would have gone so much better."

Christopher squeezed Ezra's hand, taking his eyes off the road for a moment. "You're worth everything I could ever give you. I just wish I knew what would make you happy."

"You make me happy. I've never felt better than when I'm with you. I never knew what I wanted from life. Just surviving was nearly impossible. Now I can actually want things. Like warm meals and a cozy bed and lavender tea. Thank you, for everything."

Christopher pulled into his driveway and parked his car. The moment they stepped out of the car, Ezra fell into Christopher's arms, just as he had done so many times before.

It was a welcoming sensation, a sense of security buried within the lack of freedom. Guilt from running away finally melted off Ezra's soul, leaving him to enjoy his life.

When they walked inside, a silver tabby darted up to rub against Christopher's legs. He scratched her behind the ears and left his shoes by the door. Ezra followed his example in both actions.

"Hello Gale," Ezra said softly. "You're a cute little thing, aren't you?"

"I'll start on lunch," Christopher said. "Get settled down."

Ezra wandered through their home, leaving Christopher and Gale alone in the kitchen. Everything was so familiar, the oil paintings hanging on the walls and soft carpet under his feet exactly how he remembered.

But it felt so wrong, seeing the places Jay used to hang around, and knowing he would never see them again. They had sat on the sofa, trusting him to put his arm around their shoulder even after all that torture. It was enough to bring him to tears.

Finally, after all these days of denial and trauma dumping to his roommates, he could process what had happened. Jay was in a better place now. They had to be. Even if Heaven wasn't real, something had to be.

Lunch with Christopher was nice, despite Ezra's melancholy. Even if Jay couldn't have a happily ever after in life, he still could. And he knew they would have been happy for him, in the end.

He finished most of his salad, and let Gale lick his plate clean. Christopher clicked his tongue, but held back on chastising him.

"I want to read Paradiso now," Ezra said. "I know that would be skipping Purgatorio, but I'm in the mood for a tour of Heaven."

"Alright. We can always take a tour of purgatory later. Whatever makes you happy."

Christopher found a leather bound copy of Dante's Paradiso on his bookshelf and sat down beside Ezra on the sofa. His living room smelled more strongly of lavender than the rest of his home, an ornate oil diffuser sitting on the coffee table.

Ezra leaned against Christopher as he started reading. Gale tried to jump on the open book for attention, but settled down on Ezra's lap when Christopher nudged her off.

"The glory of Him, who moves all things, penetrates the universe, and glows in one region more, in another less," Christopher read. "I have been in that Heaven that knows His light most, and have seen things, which whoever descends from there has neither power, nor knowledge, to relate: because as our intellect draws near to its desire, it reaches such depths that memory cannot go back along the track."

Ezra closed his eyes, grounding himself in reality with the aid of fantasy. He had thought, during their reading so long ago, that Hell must smell of lavender. But now he knew that Heaven was much the same.

Unlike Dante in this fictional account of his travels, Ezra would never have to return to earth. He would stay here. In Hell. In Heaven. In Purgatory. Guided not by an ancient poet, but by a kind man who wanted nothing more than to keep him safe.

Blissful eternity had reached them both far before their death. If only Colt and Jay had been half as lucky.

Taglist: @hugh-lauries-bald-spot @thedarkmongoose @whumpsday @whump-by-robin @kira-the-whump-enthusiast @annablogsposts @whumpshaped @seetheothersideofparadise @knittedeyebrowsandcardigans @whatwasmyprevioususername @boonasaurusrex @suspicious-whumping-egg @heavenlyeden @melancholy-in-the-morning @snakebites-and-ink @suck-my-clit-loser @i-eat-worlds @scp-1296 @chiswhumpcorner @skittles-the-whumpee @whumpkinz @dokidokisadness @enbygesserit @canislycaon24 @be-gay-do-crime-ahaha @a-crumb-of-whump @pixelated-whump @whumpytine

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

Since you're doing that game too, how about 25, 1, 7, 17 and 10 💘

Hiya Vilandel~! ^^

Sure thing!

25. That I consider a favorite

Oh I have many favourites, but for different reasons. Maybe this one though. It is a gem I like bringing up

“Your needs don’t count. And the public? They must not know. There needs to be a scapegoat for this all, because we can’t lose a captain. Someone needs to pay, but not the culprit. You must understand! So… keep quiet. Swallow it. Swallow the pain, the treachery, and the betrayal… Swallow it! Just follow the rules and keep your mouth shut.” The system, told him. Is this… what I serve? Is this… what I’ve devoted my life to? The life of a sheep. The life of a lamb in lion’s coat…. But… What can I do? Tell the public and cause havoc? Drive the masses that are only beginning to heal against the… king… against… myself? Cause… more pain?…. No…. That I can’t do… He glanced at his hand. The mark of his shame and his weakness. The mark… of a lamb that would be slaughtered if it spoke.

That makes me smile

This one because it's stupid, and it's supposed to be stupid

“Chickens are domesticated dinosaurs as much as dogs are domesticated wolves,” Nozel continued. “But even if you go with the answer of ’genetics’, genome is composed of a lot of genes, and since those genes are measured in quantities of a certain number of genes. Then how many of those genes would you need to alter in order to make a chicken a not-chicken? Because there needs to be a line. Change enough and it becomes a pigeon, or a turkey,” Fuegoleon argued. “For heaven’s sake Fuegoleon. They’re all birds!” “BUT WHEN DOES A CHICKEN LOSE ITS INHERIT CHICKEN-NESS?” Fuegoleon stood up. “IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!” Nozel mirrored. Charlotte took a sip of her tea. “THOSE ARE JUST WORDS WE MADE UP TO DISTINGUISH THINGS THAT LOOK DIFFERENT FROM EACH OTHER,” Nozel shouted.

7. That I nursed in a daydream before finally writing

Basically Chapter 15 of Embers of Sun and Flame in its entirety, but this wee snippet of it:

She wrapped her arms around him, letting him sink into the embrace before laying down on the soft sheets. What nightmares he might’ve had, were forgotten as all that now existed was her heartbeat piercing through the darkness. Her hand ran across the skin of his back as she hummed a tune, pressing her head against his as he closed his eyes and listened. This must be heaven, he thought as he felt sleep creeping up on him. He pulled her closer into his embrace, wrapping his arm around her before dispelling his fire arm, and allowing himself to drift off. Her warmth, her voice, and her gentle heartbeat banished all the wrong in his world and silenced his racing mind. I love her…was the final thought that ran through him before sleep took over, but his embrace never faltered.

17. From an unpublished WIP

This one starts off mean, but it's from a hurt-comfort fic that is only tipping its toes into the comfort part as we speak (but I will write it to the end)

The flames, the fire, the ever-present reminder of… his failures. And with the flickering flames, another memory surfaced. Perhaps one of the most vicious statement that had ever been uttered to him. Wives in unhappy marriages usually rely in artificial … extremities... to keep them satisfied. But what a sorry excuse is it when the husband needs to do the same.  It had been a cheap shot. And one that had barely made sense. Barely but… it had stricken a nerve in him.

10. With characters I struggle with

I think I struggle with a lot of characters (as BC has many) but a snippet with Langris

He gave you a defiant look, as if to tell you that this place was still to public for such behaviour. But the faint blush on his cheek told you about the flicker of joy that he felt; the joy that made him allow such displays of affection to an extent. You sat down, order dinner and began small talk, but throughout the conversation you began feeling that there was something bothering him. Or not, necessarily bothering per se, but he was getting restless and anxious. And yet, he tried to keep up with the conversation the best he could.

[unnervinglyferal]

I love my dad, I truly do as much as we clash

But oh my fucking god I hate the way he treats animals

He’s not mean, he loves animals, he spoils the dogs

But I just had to pick up Tootsie and put her back into the house because Dad decided to let her out to hang out with him while he grilled

She just walked over to the chicken coop

He wasn’t even outside

He’d gone back inside and left her out there without her leash

I wish she wasn’t outside without a leash at all but if he was outside then at least she was supervised

But noooo he went inside and left her outside

And he had the gall to be surprised that she didn’t stay put!!!

No shit we suck at training dogs

He does this constantly

He over humanizes animals to the point that he expects rational human thought processes from them

He spoils them to the point that he gives her full treats for him (dad) going outside

I can’t even try to train her out of demanding treats when someone goes outside because he won’t stop giving her stuff

He refuses to walk Nebula in his harness because it makes Nebula upset to put it on, fine his choice he can get yanked around all he wants, but then when someone else walks him he pouts and guilt trips them

Granted he doesn’t do that last one as often now, really only when he’s drank or when he’s high

He complains over how badly behaved the dogs are when he’s in a bad mood but as soon as he’s in a good one he’s actively teaching the dogs bad behavior and refuses to see it as a bad thing

He’s like this for everything!!!

Last spring there was a wild mama turkey on the property and he literally went out to protect her from deer

But he completely glosses over legitimate concerns over my chickens safety because he’s too embarrassed to admit he’s not the best at building things

He always has to be right and he pouts when you point out that he’s not, god forbid he’s right one time

He doesn’t listen when someone sets boundaries and then acts offended when they snap at him

I try my best to never disagree with him because I can’t have a civil disagreement because he takes everything the wrong way and refuses to listen to me when I tell him he misinterpreted what I said

I know how his brain works, I have a very similar one

I know when he backtracks and says he said something he never said it’s because he said it in his head or something he previously said meant that

But he never admits that he worded it oddly or just never said it

I do

I admit when I think I said something and realize I didn’t

I admit when I thought something I said was clear in what it meant but it turns out it wasn’t

I rarely apologize to him, I should

I know I snap when I shouldn’t

But I’m not fucking apologizing to someone who doesn’t apologize to me

When he does apologize I do to

But I refuse to apologize when he doesn’t because it feels like he takes an apology I give freely as permission to not listen to me again

And wow this started as me just being pissed because he left Tootsie outside without supervision

The consequences of bottling this up because I know if Mom or I mention it to him he’ll get closed off and defensive and we’ll never get anywhere

P.S. I know what you’re talking about, it sucks ass, always hits at what feels like the worst time too

Some people never learn from their mistakes because as far as they're concerned, they never make mistakes. You can't reason with people who won't reason themselves. I guess that observing what he does and making sure that you won't do the same is the best you can do. Hope your chickens will survive whatever might happen next.

[bunnyb34r]

So weeks ago I suggested we have steaks for Thanksgiving instead of turkey or chicken. Had a whole plan of a menu, was actually excited. EXPLICITLY asked mom to NOT invite DogCousin. She said no why would she? Besides DC is probably going to another cousins house.

So it's 3:30pm mom puts the potatoes on. Cool, I'm in my room watching TV waiting for those to boil. Took my meds at 3 they're kicking in. Starting to feel okay enough to get up and cook. Starting to feel excited. Thinking ab pictures to take of Bean, what goofy ones ill take as private ones to share with friends (this year was gonna be catnip weed themed last year was baby's first Vegas trip)

Mom comes in my room. This fake smile. She sits down and says she loves me. Okay what's wrong??

"DogCousin is coming over."

I fucking lost it. I start crying as a panic attack emerges. Any excitement, any appetite, any joy, leaves my body. I don't want dinner period. I tell her I'm not coming out, I'm not helping cook, just leave my steak in the fridge I'll eat tomorrow alone.

She starts crying. She did this to help me, she said. To make Thanksgiving less lonely. To break up the anxiety by having someone here.

When have I ever been excited when DC invites herself over? When have I ever expressed anything but pure DREAD?

I specifically asked her not to do this. She forgot.

Worst part is she never ASKS ME when DC invites herself over. It's always "sorry. I'm sorry. DC is coming over. Sorry"

Never once giving me the chance to say no. Never once asking me first.

Midway through the breakdown I ask why she was so determined to ruin my Thanksgiving? Why can't she see that DC has no sense of awareness of herself/others? Why doesn't she understand?

Finally she agrees to turn DC away, but gives her a steak and a raw baking potato. A normal person would deny this. Would say no you don't have to do this.

Nope.

Finally she leaves. Continue the breakdown. Continue the argument. We're here now.

Idk if we're even gonna bother with dinner today. My appetite is ruined. Any excitement, any special holiday meal feelings are gone. It's just a normal steak dinner now. I don't care.

[belethlegwen]

What does Henry think about Human holiday traditions? 💜

I was LITERALLY just having a conversation with Zip about this re: Henry and Atticus hahahaha Ok, SO

Please let me apologize for not answering multiple asks about this

They are sittin' in my queue staring me down only because I'm a weirdo with some personal hangups (nothing major or whatever I just... have not put a ton of thought into this).

What I am about to write is very long, winding, and personal. There'll be a TL:DR at the end for the ACTUAL answer to this question, but for now, have a read more:

In the real world, I don't do like... Traditional Christmas for myself. Born and raised Christian/Catholic, of COURSE my family (all of it. So much of it. There is so much family I get two god damn turkey dinners tomorrow. One at lunch and one at dinner) does Christmas and always has. Back in about the mid 2010s I was working with a local non-profit/charity organization and all of my friends were like, 3-10 years younger than I am, all in school, all making ends meet barely kind of deal. I stopped doing Christmas gifts. It started slow and awkward; I got my family who were doing well for themselves and didn't need anything a bunch of those like, "Gifts of Hope" with the money I would've spent on gifts for them. My friends I got basically nothing save for one or two. My sisters' gift money bought a whole bunch of chickens or ducks for a family, my parents bought a goat I think? I can't remember, it was basically a billion years ago now in my brain so I don't fully recall what I got them.

Then I just... stopped getting gifts. Every now and then I'd really spring for something if it jumped out at me or seemed important for someone, but most of the time I would do like... alright cool, I will pay for lunch for everyone at work. I will take someone out for a nice drive. I want memories, I want to give you nice memories. I like giving gifts, but the pressure at Christmas time is UNREAL, and that was one of the real reasons I stopped doing presents. Friends who straight up did not have the money were getting me gifts because they were expecting some from me and I had to put my foot down and tell them No, do not buy me shit. I ain't gettin' you shit, please stop stressing and harming yourself emotionally or financially for me, I don't need anything. So I don't do gifts anymore. I have a little gay Christmas Tree with Bernie Sanders on top, it's out year-round because me and my cousin gay'd it the fuck UP for valentines in 2021 and it became a Pride Tree and so it's just there, always. For Christmas I move it from the corner to the middle of the livingroom window. That's all the decorating I do. In The Rescue, Melanie is still very much grieving the loss of her Father and Step-Mother, who were the people she celebrated a lot of the holidays with. She still does SOME holiday stuff with Laura and Dyna and Mark (sort of on Mark. More like he's around, and she does little things to keep him from feeling excluded) and chats with a few estranged friends rarely, BUT for the most part... holidays just glide by. She was, until Henry arrived, only going to care about Christmas and the lead-up to it in the sense that it would've opened up a bunch of Christmas markets and stuff for her to sell some of her driftwood art pieces at. I have not thought extremely hard on HOW it's going to come up initially in The Rescue, but yes. At some point Melanie will probably celebrate a real Christmas again with Henry and her close friends.

[TL:DR] As for how he FEELS about Christmas:

Henry loves it. They have similar gift-giving or family-get-together holidays near the solstices every year. The Winter Solstice is specifically a food-oriented holiday where the weeks and everything beforehand are people preparing to either host extremely LARGE meals for as many friends/family/neighbours as they can cram in, or if you aren't hosting, you're doing as much long-shelf-life food prep as you can. Henry and his Mom used to do a LOT of bottled chicken/meats, and jams/jellies for their neighbours. In rare years where the harvest wasn't strong enough for there to be a large surplus? Socks, mittens, hats, and so on. His Dad actually used to be phenomenal at mending boots, and apparently a lot of the neighbouring farmers/farm workers begrudged the years that the Lemuels had a great crop year because it meant that his Dad probably wasn't going to be doing his "Bring your boots to the house and I'll have them leak free before the holiday is done". As a boy, Henry hated the fact that he felt he knew all of his neighbours' footsmells individually. When his father passed, because neither he (nor his mother, for that matter) ever knew how he had done it, it was one of the things that made that holiday feel even more hollow in the loss. No smell of old, well-worn boots in the house. Henry thinks the trees and decorating them is "nice" but also "...Why?" and he could do without a good number of the Christmas songs that get played over and over again on the radio. Melanie introduces him to a number of Christmas movies that he enjoys as much as any other movies, but mostly he just loves the atmosphere of friends and loved ones coming together for gifts, joy, food and warmth. It's very nostalgic for him.

Thanks so much for the question, Ozzy! So so so sorry for the immense and possibly heavy answer. AND SO SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ASKED ABOUT MEL/HENRY AND HOLIDAYS WHO I HAVE JUST LEFT HANGING THERE, I AM A MONSTER.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

ohh ohh i wanna hear your rant on the dog food industry

FUCK.....ok... well ill try to keep it short but basically its like....most dog food is pure sawdust, most dogs have chronic inflammation and spend their entire lives in a malnourished state, which results in disease, and their lifespan being shortened. the other week when i took pochita to the vet, they said, oh she has terrible allergies, you need to start giving her benadryll immediately, then when shes 6 months old we'll switch her to apoquel. and i just laughed, cuz i already KNOW about apoquel, from my last dog. APOQUEL is a very harsh allergy medication that not only absolutely fucks your dog's internal organs, greatly shortens lifespan, but it costs around $80 a MONTH. at least, thats what it was a few yrs ago. and people will just trust the vet, take the apoquel, think they're doing the right thing. so i say to the vet "yeah actually from her tear stains i can tell its a food allergy. because she's still on chicken puppy food which most dogs are allergic to *vet is nodding* so im going to try switching her to a different protein and see if that helps." and the vet's like ohh..yaa.. *caught off guard* i see youve dealt with this before...well you should try this purina special ingredients food blahblah.. im like, yea yea sure thing lady *looking around seeing all the purina posters on the wall so i know this bitch clinic sponsored by them*.. (purina is an awful fucking brand i would never feed anything i love purina). but see, notice how she didnt suggest anything about switching food until i mentioned it? she purposefully didnt mention it, because she wants my sweet sweet $80 a month from that apoquel script, plus whatever bonus she gets from prescribing it to enough patients. and not only does she want that monthly $80, she wants to profit off of all the other health problems that will arise from ongoing years of apoquel usage. all under the guise of being the nice veterinarian who just wants to help ^_^ there are some good vets out there, dont get me wrong, ive been to more hollistic vets who are good. but a lot of conventional pets are working hand in hand with dog food companies to keep pets sick, keep their profits up, and they rely on you having no idea whats going on in your dog's body to ensure this works. i am now feeding pochita blue buffalo limited ingredients food that has only turkey, no chicken by-products, no corn wheat or soy (which are in almost every dog food), and its not any more expensive than iams or purina or whatever. and shes doing SO much better, her tear stains are fading by the day. oh, another fun fact, is that there's NO LAWS about what you can say on a dog food bag! you can literally just advertise it as anything! so always read to ingredients cuz thats the only part thats real. ok im gonna leave it at that for now and prob delete this later but yea... whatever kind of pet u have, just always do ur research and cross examine ur vet lol catch them off guard its funny.

[regicide1997]

This is in reference to the reddit post I reblogged a couple hours ago. Making my own post because this is going to be a very much Christian-ish perspective and since OP of the other post is Jewish I'd rather not clog their notes with this stream-of-consciousness rant.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around how someone can fuck up that badly.

Sure, Peter's vision in Acts 10 allows you to eat otherwise unclean meats, that's one valid interpretation—I recently learned it's not the only interpretation, but it is probably the interpretation that Paul was following when he wrote this to the early church in Rome:

13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. 14 I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. 15 If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18 because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval.

19 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. 20 Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21 It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.

22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23 But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

(Romans 14:13-23)

TL;DR: In the presence of those with religious/moral/ethical dietary restrictions stricter than your own, follow their restrictions; and above all else, don't be an asshole. Now, I'll admit, I'm not the biggest fan of Paul, but he really hit the nail on the head with this one.

I'm reminded of a few minutes I glimpsed of an episode of The Big Bang Theory (back when I had cable, and before I had gained the common sense to change the channel when The Big Bang Theory was on) in which Sheldon's very much Evangelical mother comes for a visit and prepares food (it might have been turkey? or chicken? [looked it up, it was chicken]) for the protagonists, and she said to the one protag who was visibly of South Asian descent [looking it up: Raj], "I hope it's not one of the animals you people think is magic."

Yeah, it left a bad taste in my mouth, too.

Although it was written in a way that makes clear that this character is coming from a place of ignorance and Christian supremacism, she at least demonstrates a (half-hearted) attempt to be accommodating of other people's religious dietary restrictions (or at least what she assumed might be there; I might be wrong, but if I recall, the punchline was that Raj was an atheist. not going to bother looking it up, this post isnt meant to be an analysis of a fucking tbbt scene). Even though the wording is disrespectful of the beliefs surrounding the dietary restrictions, and even though the question of dietary restrictions (religious or otherwise) should've been addressed to the whole room (and not just the one person whose ethnicity reminded her that foreigners exist), she nonetheless acknowledged and was somewhat prepared to accommodate such dietary restrictions.

All of this to say: Imagine being worse than Sheldon's mom. Imagine not only knowing ahead of time that your guests (in particular, your son-in-law and his children, whom you invited for a meal) have dietary restrictions, and not only failing to prepare a meal that meets those restrictions, but purposely preparing a meal that violates those restrictions, and presenting it to your guests as if it satisfied the restrictions. Imagine being so disgustingly hateful, and claiming to act in love's name. Imagine having the audacity to demand an apology when the clanging cymbal of your hateful acts is met with similarly harsh words.

may god have mercy on your wretched souls, for were i in his place, i sure as hell would not.

If those parents-in-law had actually followed the New Testament guidelines they professed, then there should not have been any pork on the table, at all—not even as a side option for the sake of the Christian side of the family. When you (Christians) invite people for a meal, and all or the majority of your invited guests are Jewish, you don't take the non-kosher food out of the fridge; you prepare a kosher meal for all to enjoy. (Even if they say ahead of time that it's okay, you still do your best to go the extra mile to make your guests comfortable.) And above all, you don't be a fucking asshole.

And that's just the religious aspect of it. Religious aspects aside, the violation of trust, the violation of basic hospitality, the violation of consent entailed in preparing food that contains ingredients your guests have told you they cannot consume—regardless of reason—and serving that food to those guests under the pretense that it does not contain such ingredients... I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that qualifies as assault.

[serenity-bitty]

THIS IS A MOMENTOUS OCCASION HOLY SHIT.

Okay. As an autistic person, I have had texture issues my ENTIRE LIFE. And I have mourned for so many foods that TASTE and SMELL absolutely fantastic, but my body refused to swallow. Mourned. Grieved these foods. I can't eat mashed potatoes, I can't eat applesauce, I can't even have a French fry too thick because the texture of mashed potato happens inside the fries.

And I certainly can't eat ground meat.

That's right. Be it beef, chicken, turkey or any other meat, I cannot eat ground meat. No sloppy joes, no hamburger, cheeseburger, big Mac, whopper. NONE OF IT.

Barbeques and cookouts are a special kind of hell for me, to say the least.

And don't get me wrong, sometimes there are moments that give me a small sliver of hope.

On rare occasion, I will outgrow my issues with one type of texture.

I couldn't stand avocados until I was 25 years old. But now? I LOVE them.

After so many years, though, I had given up hoping.

But tonight.

Tonight I was blessed.

My roommate, Maddie, has a good amount of money. Not like rich, but enough to be considered stable and she has the help of her family as well. She can afford nice things.

And one of those nice things was a package of on-sale wagyu ground beef.

And if you don't know what that is, come back to this post after you've gone down a YouTube/Googling rabbit hole about it, and you will understand.

Even if it is discounted, frozen grocery store brand beef, you do NOT disrespect the fucking wagyu. Don't even risk it.

So my roommate is lying on the couch and she isn't feeling well, there's a shortage of her blood pressure medication, so she's having a bit of trouble doing things.

So she asks me to do her a favor and check if the meat she was gonna cook was defrosted yet.

I checked, it was upside down in the bowl, and it was defrosted, but when I turned the package around to see what it was (plastic was too foggy to see) I nearly screamed.

"YOU GOT FUCKING WAGYU BEEF!?!?! HOW MUCH DID THIS COST YOU?!?!"

She seemed a little sheepish for a second, and I kinda felt bad for blurting that out, so I quickly moved on to offering to help her cook it. Because I can't eat ground beef, however, I never really cooked a burger before, so she has to teach me a bit.

I helped her off the couch and we decided it would be less labor-intensive on Maddie if we broiled it in the air fryer.

So she seasoned it and got it started, splitting it up into two halves. I cut up the ingredients and put away the other half of the meat while the patty cooked and she rested in the office. She didn't even ask me to do all of those things, I just did it to help. I flipped it and double checked with her to make sure it was properly cooked.

It came out medium.

I was honestly excited to see her try it, like it is NOT every day you get to see this kind of delicacy.

I'm so broke even seeing someone eat fancy food is an event for me 🙃

(but in my defense, I was pretty fucken high when this happened.)

Anyway, so she eats it and I'm asking her how it is, give us the juicy (pun intended) DEETS.

And she is thorough in her description. And even MY mouth starts to wonder at the thought of tasting it.

And then. I had a thought.

If she lets me try a bite, I can do a bit of an experiment.

If even the texture of a WAGYU. FUCKING. BURGER. Makes me gag.

I would give up on ever enjoying the texture of a burger.

But if not, ohohoho.... I would never stop searching, never stop struggling, never stop trying to find a burger with a texture and budget I could stand.

So I start to work up the courage to ask if I could try a bite.

But she actually offered it to me before I could even get the chance!

I explained what I was thinking to her, and she was a bit interested in my little experiment.

So she hands me the burger.

It's on a bakery bun, with Mediterranean Cheddar (FANCY AS FUCK BOII), Whataburger ketchup, mustard, and some good ole Texas Pickles.

I let the smell hit my nose, and almost audibly gulped.

I took the bite.

Oh. My. God.

It was the best damn thing I'd ever eaten, let alone the first burger I could ever truly enjoy. Holy hell.

I felt like Squidward after his first Krabby Patty.

I had to break into a vault. I needed more. I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes out of both pure joy and deep despair.

I wasn't about to eat more than the one bite I was given. That would be incredibly rude and also just plain mean.

I handed it back to her, desperately hiding my urge to eat it.

I don't know if she noticed, or if she's literally just that fucking nice (and believe me she has shown me nothing but kindness) but she literally offered me the other half of the meat to make my own burger.

I could have cried.

"A-are you sure?"

"Yes, my mom gets me this kind of stuff all the time! Go ahead!"

Bruh.

Avocado, bakery bun, onions, ketchup, and that Mediterranean Cheddar.

Hooo boy. The only thing that would have made this better would be if I had toasted the bun.

Even the grease tasted good. THE. GREASE. Autistic people and grease don't exactly tend to mix!!!! And usually, I don't like too much grease. But this was amazing, an explosion of grease mingling in with the juice of the meat. And the way it interacted with the toppings and the bun.... Oh fuck.

I now understand what Gabriel Iglesias meant when he talked about food. I sounded like I was making love to that burger, and I didn't care.

I may as well have been a judge in shokugeki no soma.

It was glorious. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth. I could die happy.

Also it makes me more like Sans Undertale and that makes me happy.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #048

(from yesterday, my b)

Do you drink more or less water than is recommended? Way, WAAAAAAY less. I drink practically none; I'm literally only alive because of the water in food, haha. Do you like taking walks? Sigh, I used to love walking. In my school years back when we lived in the woods, I would walk outside usually at night with my iPod for literally hours on end. I seriously worn down a path in my front yard at night, back yard during the day. Now just walking to the bathroom directly beside my room is incredibly painful because of muscle atrophy. Do you remember The Land Before Time movies? Who was your favourite character? Oh god, of course, I was OBSESSED. I even had a computer game based on it. Littlefoot was my favorite. It's even a possibility that I'll get a tree star tattoo in remembrance of my mom when she passes. Are you one of those people who texts back instantly? Usually, yes. Assuming money wasn’t an issue, what car would buy right now, given the chance? Ugh, I wish. Whatever Mom wants; I don't need my own car. It'd be a fucking dream come true if I could get a nice, new car for my mother. What she has now is hanging on by an actual goddamn thread. Do you think going to college/university is the best option after you’ve left school? This varies person-to-person. Do you buy your lingerie at Victoria’s Secret? No, that shit is way too overpriced. I don't know how big their undergarments go, either, but I highly doubt they reach my size. Do you have a large dog? We have literally the smallest breed of dog, haha. Mom's not a massive fan of small dogs, but Cookie just worked for us. Have you ever been to Europe? No, but I'm going to Germany one day. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? Love 'em. When was the last time you bitched someone out? Idr. I actually think the only time I truly did that was on this one occasion with my sister's fucking abusive ex-boyfriend. Maybe. "Bitched out" implies being aggressive and merciless to me and Dustin fucking got it, idk about anyone else. What does your ex look like? "The" ex is your average height for a guy I think, an olive sort of tan with his Italian blood, underweight (even though he could EAT this mf never gained a goddamn pound), brown eyes, thin black hair (though in some light it looked more dark brown) that was kinda long for a guy, and last I saw a picture of him, he had a full (but not necessarily long) beard and mustache. What is your heritage? German, Irish, and Polish. We don't know Dad's side, though, other than his last name being Irish. Is your best friend a virgin? No. For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy? Ugh... that would be life-changing but I just really don't think I could. I hate my body so, so much. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make mega bucks? Probably not, because I'd be very depressed. My brain is very bad at confusing boredom for depression, so. Have you ever used your parents’ credit card before? Not without their express permission. Are you afraid of plane rides? Not especially. Turbulence can make my heart speed up for a bit, but I'm not terrified. Have you ever made a turkey dinner all by yourself? Hell no. Do you have a gay friend? Yep. How many sex partners have you had? Names? Well I didn't/haven't gone "all the way" with either of them, but I've had two sexual partners, Jason and Girt. I guess maybe Sara, but to be totally honest I'm not sure if I'd count her here. Nowhere near on the level of the other two. Do you ever feel like people get tired of you? Oh god yes. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Nope. I feel too strongly and am just too expressive of it at like all times. Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days? Eugh... I guess stay awake for three days again, even though last time I did that it had a very negative affect on my body. My nightmares are just SO frequent nowadays that THREE STRAIGHT DAYS of sleeping with those going on... oh god kill me. Whose bedroom were you in last? Besides mine, Mom's. Are you watching TV? What’s on? No; I don't even have a TV in my room. Ever made out on a rooftop? Can't say I have. Would you date anyone you met online? Probably not again, but who knows. Have you ever made your parents cry? Mom, oh yes. Sadly. I THINK the night I called Dad and made up after the divorce, his voice was shaking/kinda choked, but I don't know if he was tearing up or anything. If the last person you kissed invited you to a family dinner, would you go? Of course. Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No. When’s the next time you’ll be drinking? I don't know, but I want to in a rare instance. Did you sleep alone the last two nights? Yeah; well, if you're only counting human company. My cat cuddles with me pretty much every night, haha. Are you dressing up as anything for Halloween? Idk. Most likely not. Have you met the last person you kissed’s parents? Mom, yes. Dad's dead. Who is the first person you see in the mornings? Mom, seeing as she's the only one I live with. Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person that kissed you? Yep. Are you one of those people who just don’t care? God no, I care too much. I mean, about most things. When is the next time you will kiss someone? I absolutely hate questions that assume I'm a psychic. But if things go the way I want them to, the moment Girt next steps through my doorway, whenever that'll be since he's kinda sick. Who was the last person you were in love with for more than a year? Jason. Do you have a secret life? I guess you could say that, as hardcore of a secret I keep me being an RPer ss. Who was the last person to call you baby? Girt. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? omg yes I FUCKING HATE when people leave their goddamn shopping carts randomly about the parking lot. I can barely walk and I'm not even that fucking lazy. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? There's no way. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do? Is my mom out? If so, get Roman out, then Venus. I hate hate hate picking between them, like I want them both out IMMEDIATELY, but... Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Girt. Where was the furthest place you traveled? Illinois. Do you like mustard? Yes. Do you look like your mom or dad? I've heard both, idk. How long does it take you in the shower? Not even 10 minutes. Can you do splits? Hell no. Was your mom a cheerleader? Oh god I could NEVER picture her as one. I don't think she played any kind of sport growing up, but I could be wrong. Do you like Care Bears? I think they're cute, but that's the extent of it. Do you wear your seatbelt? Yes, WEAR YOUR GODDAMN SEATBELT. My own sister would be dead without one. Seatbelt burns ARE worth your fucking life. Anything big ever happen in your town? Maybe? I dunno. Nothing THAT big. Is your tongue pierced? Not anymore. :( It was damaging my teeth. Snake eyes were my favorite piercing I've ever had, though, they were SO cute. Ever been to L.A.? No. Whose house did you last spend the night at besides your own? Sara's. Have you ever seen somebody get shot? No, thank fucking god. Have you ever taken a picture in a bathroom mirror? Ha, yeah. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? Lmao hi, Rachel. Sara was once this situation too, but we're not friends now. What are you listening to right now? "Cowboy" by Lindemann. What’s worse: a headache or a stomach ache? STOMACH. I CANNOT handle stomach pain. Have you ever drank sweet tea? Did you like it? Living where I do, of course I've tried it, it's like, THE staple drink here, but I hate it to the point I refuse to drink it. Anybody ever tell you that “you could do so much better” about a person? I feel like someone mighta said this about Jason at some point... Have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up? No. When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex? Months ago. Ever kissed someone who smokes? No; someone who smokes kissed ME, but I went full statue. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? I STRONGLY prefer window. I've actually noticed that while taking off and getting the plane in position and all, I get fairly dizzy if I can't see outside/the surroundings. Do you ever wear boots with skinny jeans? UGH I used to love wearing my tall, leather black boots with them in high school, like that was THE LOOK, but I don't wear jeans anymore. Have you ever showered with someone? Only as a child. Are you racist to any race? Nope. What are/would you like to go to college for? I'm never going back to college. I dropped out three times; I can't afford to keep doing that. What kind of tea do you prefer? None. Have you ever intentionally hurt an animal? I've given like dogs a mild pop when misbehaving and shit, but nothing beyond that. I never would. Have you ever read all night long? I don't believe I have, actually, but maybe. Have you ever "done it" in a hotel room? No. Y'know, I've never even been to a hotel with an s/o. Have you ever peed in the woods? I'm quite certain no. I remember I really, really needed to once when fishing on the boat with my dad and sister, but I'm pretty sure I didn't/wasn't able. What’s your favorite love movie? The Notebook. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? No. Magazines have never been my thing. What kind of mom are you? Not one. Where are you ticklish? Like... everywhere. What hurts your feelings more than anything else? Probably calling me weak. Do you believe you’ve had a past life? No. Has a family member ever hit you? My mom has with the excuse of "spanking" when growing up. When you look back, do you think your life story will be a good one? Who fuckin' knows. Ever had any drug addictions? No. Do you have any anniversaries coming up? With Girt in less than a month, yeah. Who is the most shallow person you know? *shrug* What was your first intimate experience with a person? That woulda been with Jason in high school, but if I'm being completely honest, I can't really remember the first time we went beyond making out, oddly enough. Like I remember a lot, just... not the first. Did you ever play Frogger when you were a kid? BITCH I LOVED THAT GAME. I sucked at it except for the first level, but it sure was fun, haha. When were you at your lowest in your life so far? When my first real boyfriend Jason left me and I was in a constant state of literally wanting to die for over a year.

[transgenderturnip]

strange behaviors my cat has trained me into through me raising him from a kitten as both my human son and trying to act as a mama cat:

I can smell his emotions from his fur. I don't really know how to explain this one and it doesn't happen with any other animals

Somehow he's Pavloved me into learning certain cat calls. I've learned hello, eat, stop, and come here. He speaks much more English than I do cat.

I started biting him back. He's very careful and aware of how much he can use his teeth when he affectionately bites, and it's weirdly counterintuitive to the way I think to bite him, but I ended up doing it.

This one isn't actually fully attributed to him but another kitten I fostered before him, but I let him sniff the inside of my mouth when he wants to know what I've been eating.

I like to show him I'm interested in what he's interested in. Sometimes I'll watch the birds outside with him, or if he's chasing a fly I'll follow it too and clap at it, trying to get it.

Things my cat son does he's learned from my humanness

He sleeps with his head on the pillow tucked under covers with me. It's pretty rare to get that combo specifically but he does sleep like a boy sometimes and he's always at least liked blankets. I'll take him sleeping in his hammock bed or at my feet happily, though

Loves turkey, chicken nuggets (peeled of course, and cut up small because he's spoiled) and croissants.

Will lay flat on his belly to be pet, let me play with his hands, and will drool all over me when he's relaxed. Just a human baby.

Probably the most friendly cat to human strangers I've known. He loves blonde girls, the little bastard. He's just an attention hog in general, but if it's a new person, a blonde, a woman, someone who fawns over him, and especially a combination, he's a schmooze.

Watches YouTube. Yeah he watches cat tv like ribbons and squirrels, but he'll also "ask" what I'm watching and look at anime with me.

He just talks. He meows all the time. I adore it.

A better therapy friend than most I've met. If I'm sad, he immediately knows and he'll come hug me and cheer me up.

When he was small enough, he would just chill out in my shirt. He was a chill little baby most of the time, but his zoomies were unrivaled. Actual ninja shit.

Sucks up to his grandma. He loves my mom, and he's even swindled her by making her think when she says uppies to pick him up, he misunderstands her and lays down. He's just being cute, and I had to tell her he dutifully gets up when I ask him. She knows, he knows she knows, and he still does it.

Acts like a 5 year old when he's in trouble. He knows that tone and he goes flying, the most guilty look on his face... because he always knows he wasn't supposed to be doing whatever he was.

Stands on his hind legs. What the fuck.

Probably needs glasses. Just like his dad.

Opens doors. Sigh.

Gives kisses and uses body language to make it clear if he wants forehead kisses when asked. He's just very smart despite being a dumbass. If he's feeling very sweet, he'll lick your hands ("gamugamu")

[leonicscorpio]

Batboy Headcanons because I made this for me but you all can enjoy this too if want. (May contain mild NSFW)

Dick:

Has a weird relationship with unwanted gaze and the attention he receives because of his physique. He genuinely likes the attention but he draws the line when people start getting touchy. Just because he's shirtless working out doesn't mean he gave you consent to touch him.

Has good dieting skills but he's in his mid-late 20's and his metabolism has 0 signs of slowing down. He once ate a whole xl bag of M&M's in front of Steph and Babs and both said they wanted to murder him because he won't gain a pound.

Dick has ADHD and I'm sorry if you don't think otherwise. He has hyperactive type ADHD and while he's gotten better at controlling his symptoms he still stims stretching and flexing his arms and shaking his arms.

While not so much in Gotham, Dick is very politically active and volunteers at voter registration and working with organizations with the mission of police demilitarization in Blüdhaven.

Dick is a very sexually driven individual. However, I don't think it's entirely healthy. His ADHD also comes into play with this but Dick just needs to have a release at least twice a day or he'll feel physically sick.

I don't know if you all have seen male gymnasts. But Dick, like the rest of them, has FREAKSISHLY large biceps. Everyone talks about Dick has the best ass in the bat family and while Jason may be larger and stronger, Dick has the best physique.

Dick's apartment is littered with sticky notes in places such as the fridge/in front of his computer. If it's not written down and in a place where he can't ignore it, it's not going to get done.

I'm sorry I know everyone says his birthday is in March but I have to go to the older Nightwing comics and say his Birthday is December 1st. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me this man doesn't give off Sagittarius energy. You can't. I respect you but you can't look at that and tell me that man isn't a Sagittarius or has super heavy Sag in his birth chart.

Dick's at home doing nothing but chilling? You best believe he's gonna be shirts off, tits out, and rocking some blue flannel PJ's.

Dick is currently the only member of the family asides from Barbara who is regularly attending therapy. And he actively encourages each of his brothers and sisters to go every time.

After his Agent 37 days. He sits down with Jason and talks about having to use a gun and how hard it was. And how having to kill people has affected him. When he had to kill the KGBeast (Agent 37 days he snapped his neck) I headcanon Dick just trauma v*mit*d. Jason hugged him and just consoled him.

It's canon that Dick has anger issues but to me, it's not explored or talked about enough and not a lot of people like to talk about it. Dick is very much the 'if I ignore it it'll go away' type when it comes to his anger and he can brush most insults or harassment off fine enough. But when he breaks, he makes Jason look like a saint. I'm talking slamming you into a wall and screaming in your face angry. He'll be profusely apologetic afterward but still.

Despite popular belief, I don't think he's that bad of a cook. He's just not very experimentative. He can follow a recipe and does look at some guides. But to me, Dick Grayson just is that guy who is like Chicken veggies and rice are a meal that I can cook 4-6 times a week.

Dick has a slight fear of dentists. He doesn't have bad teeth and has good dental health. He just doesn't like the idea of a drill going in his mouth and the few times Bruce has to take him to a dentist he had a panic attack every time.

Everyone lives for the fics where Jason beats the shit out of Tim and everyone is just like lol well Bruce and Dick just forgives him. No. When Dick found out it was Jason who beat Tim to the ground, Dick was literally seething and told Jason "Pick on someone your own size or else I'll make you wish you back in that f'ing coffin."

Dick's favorite foods (some based in Canon*): Milk Chocolate*, Cereal*, Asparagus, Bananas, Banana flavored candy, Hawaiian Pizza* (suffer its canon) Rum, thanksgiving Turkey.

Jason:

He may be the self-diagnosed black sheep (rightfully so) of the family, but Jason does genuinely love spending time with his siblings. Whether it be sharing memes with them on social media or just randomly showing up where they are and abducting them to go get ice cream/coffee/snacks.

He'd probably attempt to harm you if you told him this to his face. But he is the closest acting to Bruce out of all of the family. In terms of mannerisms and inherent warmth and kindness behind a dark façade.

Has two moods: either exceptionally, almost neat-freak levels of clean, or his life is completely falling apart and Jason can't tell you for sure what color his floors are because there's so much stuff scattered about.

Despite their initial hatred of each other, Jason truly feels closest to Tim and Tim is the only person asides from maybe Barbra who he can just talk to without feeling any judgment.

Jason only smokes when he's extremely nervous about an operation or a hit. For those who don't know criminal justice cigarettes are the fastest way to get genetic material on someone. That being said he does still like to smoke occasionally.

Me, plus a lot of people give him this sort of 'Lazarus Rage' as I like to call it. When he's in the heat of a mission or if he's getting upset/angry his vision will get blurred with green, and it feeds on his anger and just gets perpetually harder to contain until he releases it. Jason has gotten much better at controlling it. But as he will tell Tim or Babs, he's "seeing green" which means they need to be careful because Jason could kill.

Everyone says Dick is the mother hen. I see you, I accept you, but let me raise you. Jason came to realize that he died because of his rash decision to go after The Joker alone. If Jason finds any of his siblings out acting alone, or even at the very least without Oracle. Jason WILL forcefully interject himself and ask them what the fuck they think their doing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Trying to get close to Jason is hard. He will degrade you can attempt to try to get you to hate him before he lets you in (that cheeky Tsun of him)

He genuinely cares for and supports all of his siblings but has been rough on them needlessly. But if Bruce is being the distant or absent parent he is, you better believe if any of the siblings drops him a text or a call, Jason will be there in a heartbeat.

He's the most physically powerful of the whole Bat Family. You don't understand because of his time in the League, his time with the All-Caste, and having abused Venom for a time, he can snap an arm bone like it's a carrot with little effort.

Everyone in the family likes dogs and goes out of their way to gush over a dog, but Jason takes it to a whole new level. And even when he's masked up dogs just gravitate to Jason.

Can and has grown a beard in a matter of a few days. He usually likes to be clean shaven but some days he likes to wear a beard just to throw everyone off.

One time him, Steph, Tim, and Duke all went to a restaurant (Red Robin lol) and the waitress got his order wrong and his burger had raw tomatoes on it, Jason took the tomatoes off and ate it while looking absolutely miserable. Tim: Jay why did you eat that you didn't have to you know you could have asked the server to fix your burger. Jason, almost in tears: "She works really hard and she tried and I'm a scary dude I don't want to make her upset.." Duke: "... Jason you literally shot at a cop for looking at you funny the other day. But you're afraid of upsetting a waitress?!? I mean ACAB but dude.. "

Jason's happiest big brother moment™ was taking Tim and Damian to the shooting range and watching them both get their first bullseye.

You can't tell me Jason Todd was into the Emo/Screamo/Warped-Tour Scene. His favorite bands/Albums in no particular order, That's the Spirit (Literally the whole album is Jason Themed and I'm gonna die on this hill) & Sempiternal by Bring me the Horizon, Digital Renegade & Everyone's Safe in the Treehouse by I See Stars, The Resistance: Rise of the Runaways by Crown the Empire,

Jason Todd's favorite foods: (Also some based in Canon*) Burgers, Chili Dogs*, Lager-style beers, Freshly baked bread*, Neopolitan ice cream, grilled corn, and Chinese Chicken noodle soup with Duck.

Tim:

This boy *slaps car roof* gives off so much asexual energy. I know New 52 exists but I just feel like Tim is the person who really, REALLY has to trust you and like you before he's sexually active with you.

HYPERFIXATES. You also can't tell me Tim isn't on the spectrum/or has ADHD.

Is the only member of the family who regularly checks up on Jason and talks to him every day via text message. The two are memelords together and love to play pranks on the other members.

While Dick may give the most frequent hugs and Jason gives the tightest, most secure hugs, Tim's hugs are always the warmest and make you just feel good.

Tim's birthday is July 19th. Meaning he's a Cancer. Let that sink in.. no, really let that information just soak. (Note I have nothing against Cancer women, cancer men however....)

All of the bat boys really struggle with talking about their feelings. Dick will manipulate you into changing the subject via twisting it to be about you, Jason will just cut you off or will ignore you, Damian will deflect everything and harass you until you stop, Tim however, Tim is very emotional and while he's very calculated about who he's emotional with, he's not afraid to break down and cry if he trusts you.

Everyone who says he's the level headed Robin haha how's it feel to be WRONG. Tim is at best the least functional college student and at worst a lemming. 'No Tim, coffee isn't a meal I'm going to make you some food or I'm going to stick you in a room with Damian for an hour.' Richard (Dick) John Grayson.

People overblow how addicted to caffeine Tim is. But it's true. Just overblown. You can talk to him before he's had his caffeine just don't expect him to be anything but curt and blunt.

Everyone says Jason would be the worst at texting but it's Tim. He's the master of leaving you on read. While Jason may do it on purpose, Tim is just really bad at texting people and while he always will read your messages he forgets to respond unless it's really funny or really pressing.

Everyone sees Tim as this bean pole super skinny boy Robin. Tim may not be stacked like Dick or a freaking tank like Jason, but Tim is NOT super skinny. He's just as muscular and likes to work out as anyone, but he just is super lean, so he looks a lot bigger and his muscles are more defined because of how thin his skin is. He has those almost disgusting spider veins on his arm. Kind of gross to look at, but he's the dream of any nurse. This means Tim is also the king of accidentally sending/posting thirst traps.

He really is the glue of the Bat Family. Everyone kidnaps Tim for 'Tim Time'.

Dick likes to spar with and in general just hang out with Tim. Tim tried to teach Dick how to skateboard and you'd think the boy who mastered the trapeze would know how to skateboard but you'd be wrong.

Babs and Tim always hang out and talk about computer stuff and Babs knows she can vent to Tim about anything and he won't say a word.

Tim and Steph were a thing for a while and even though they're just friends now, they still are very close and the two have a very deep bond, liking to shop with each other and watch movies,

Cass just loves to be around Tim because of how calming he is but also she knows she can spar with him AND Cass can also skateboard with Tim too.

Even though him and Damian are always fighting, the two still end up being together and have this unspoken bond. They work great together on a team but other than that they still hate each other.

And while everyone still is hesitant around Jason, and despite the fact that Jason literally beat Tim to within an inch of his life, AND would still trigger Tim and taunt him about it. The two have this odd closeness that rivals even him and Steph. Tim will always be the first to bat for Jason. Jason was Tim's Robin. And despite the fact Jason literally beat it into Tim's head to "never meet your heroes." Tim will always be there for Jason should he ask. The two are just close. And it's hard to describe. Bruce has caught Tim and Jason just platonically sleeping next to each other or just doing their own things shoulder to shoulder silently, just enjoying each other's company.

Tim and Duke also have a really positive relationship with one another and the two can stay up all night just talking about anything. Their minds just mesh well together. The two also love to team up and prank the other members of the Batman Family.

Tim's favorite ASMR/Stim? Watching those Tik Toks of people cleaning computers or cleaning phones. The sound of an air duster is like music to his ears and if any of the Bats need their technology cleaned it secretly makes Tim so happy to help them.

Wear his hair up or wear his hair down? It depends! While Tim likes his long hair he also has gotten plenty of compliments for his short hair and likes to style it to suit any occasion.

My one pet-peeve with Tim is that he probably is that person who lets his privilege show from time to time. While he was essentially raised to just sit down, shut up, and be a perfect trophy son to the Drake's. The Drake's were in the same tax bracket as Bruce and Tim definitely was a rich kid. He never means to come across as spoiled, but sometimes Jason will give him harsh looks if Tim just throws away food he doesn't like or says things like Chipotle is 'poor people food'

Tim Drake's favorite foods (you know by now*) Donuts*, Shallot and Artichoke Pizza with Canadian Bacon* (odd choice but it could work) Artichokes in general are his favorite vegetable, Strawberries, and Beef Pho.

Damian:

I headcanon that he has the worst teeth of all of the Bat Boys and he actually has to use lingual braces. (Hence why you can't see his braces)

Canonically is a very good artist and while him and Tim don't get along, Tim introduced Damian to digital art and gave him a photoshop pack and a nice tablet for his birthday one year and Damian loved it so much.

Damian is a capricorn and I will die on this hill. A January capricorn too.

Now you want a good chef? You've got Damian. Having converted to veganism Damian has had to get creative whenever he goes out to eat so he tends to like to eat more home cooked foods. Damian loves all matters of mushrooms, eggplant, and bell peppers.

Damian really struggles the most with his wanting to just be a normal kid. Despite the fact he will dismiss you for it, anytime he gets to spend at Gotham Academy with Jon and the rest of the kids he's naturally the happiest.

Damian LOVES to give gifts. He loves the look on people's faces when they are shocked when they actually get something from Damian.

Despite the fact that he's been traumatized from both his times with Ra's and Talia as well as with Bruce. He just wants Bruce and Talia to be together because he loves them both equally.

While he's the least flexible and least gymnastic of the Robins do let your guard down around him. He is the fastest runner and the guy is rivaled only by Jason in terms of lethality.

So someone (Jason Todd & Duke Thomas) introduced Damian to trap music and ever since anytime his phone gets stolen people will be shocked to find he's listening to some combination of Lil' Yachty, X, Kendrick Lamar, Wiz, and Kodak.

If any random person tries to hug Damian he'll immediately push them away, he'll bitch and moan about just about anyone hugging him other than Bruce & Dick.

Damian loves to go to the beach/the ocean. He just thinks it's so vast and he loves the brineness of the air. Also being half white, quarter middle-eastern and quarter Chinese (Yes everyone forgets Talia is half Chinese) Damian gets DARK. And although he's just okay as a swimmer he still likes bogeyboarding and eventually wants to learn how to surf.

I'm genuinely afraid once Puberty is done with this kid and everyone in the family is. He has Bruce Wayne AND Talia Al-Ghouls genes and those are two SEXY human beings. Damian's gonna grow a beard one day and people aren't going to know how to act.

Damian secretly plays Fortnight and not even Jon knows. He doesn't want to get shamed. He'd rather lose a match and ruin his streaks than deal with the shame of anyone in that family finding out he plays Fortnight.

Damian Wayne's favorite foods (canon*) Cereal*, Avocados, Grilled Tempeh, his mom's Tabbouleh, Mushroom Tacos, and Vegan Sushi rolls, and grape juice.

Duke Thomas

Duke is like, freakishly good with a piano, and he picked it up naturally!

Also everyone says Tim brews the best pot of coffee in the Bat Family, cue to everyone's surprise when Tim was sick one day and couldn't make a pot. Only to find the coffee was freaking amazing. Duke didn't take any credit at first until Alfred let it slip that Duke was the one who brewed the pot.

Duke being the only Meta of the family originally thought he was the double-token because he was a Meta and a black boy. Needless to say his fears were seriously unfounded the moment he got to know everyone.

Although he somewhat fears Jason and his temper initially, he and Jason have one of the closest relationships in the family. If Tim isn't around to bat for Jason, Duke will happily take his spot. The two work on each other's bikes and grew to share the same taste in music.

Duke uses his Photokenetic powers as a force for good and for shenanigans. Jason wants to play a prank on Dick and Damian while Dick is reading Damian a story? Duke will hide Jason in the shadows and will cover up his shadow. Alfred dropped something in the dark? You better believe Duke will find it in 3 seconds or less.

Duke makes it a point to visit his parents every weekend to talk to them. Although they are making some progress in their recoveries, it's still slow going. Eventually, he starts bringing members of the family to see his parents. It started with Cass, then Jason, and the rest followed suit.

Duke loves playing video games with Damian and even helps Damian beat some tougher levels when Damian is about to rage and destroy the console.

Duke is into Magic the Gathering and you cannot tell me otherwise. Duke also is the DM for the Bat Kids annual D&D games. I can and will make a D&D Batfam Headcanons if asked.

Loves Pho just as much as Cass and Tim and they all call it a date night every now and then where they can go to a hole in the wall pho place. It's really a secret between the three of them.

DUKE THOMAS IS THE BEST SWIMMER OF THE BAT BOYS AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. HE JUST THRIVES IN THE WATER.

Finding out his birth father is a supervillain was really tough for him. He went into a shell for a little bit afterwards. Cass and Steph were there to help talk him out of his funk.

Duke Thomas's favorite foods (lol what canon DC hasn't acknowleged our boy in a while..) Chicken Pho, Thai Iced Tea, Papaya, Crab Cakes, Italian Hoagies, his mom's Lemon Poundcake, mint chocolate chip ice cream.

I hope y'all enjoyed! Up next (eventually) will be the Bat Girls!

[elisela]

do you know how to do take-aways? (read on ao3) derek x stiles, g, 2.2k, au, meet cute, fluff, kid fic

prompt: call me for @tylerhunklin

--

"Hey Scott," Stiles says, jamming the phone receiver between his shoulder and ear so he can go back to typing with both his hands. "Desk duty is killing me, man, do you know how much of a backlog on paperwork there is in this place? Fucking ridiculous—"

"Stiles," Scott cuts in, “I have a call I need you to take."

Stiles sits up straighter and frowns. "We've got people out on patrol—"

Scott's laughter is warm and familiar in his ear. "No, it's not a patrol thing. I'm gonna transfer it over to you, okay? And I’m still coming to bring you dinner tonight."

"Roger," Stiles says, lazily snapping a salute despite Scott not being able to see him. There's a pause and a click, and he slips back into his professional mode—the one his dad definitely wishes he would use more often. "Beacon Hills Sheriff's Department, this is Deputy Stilinski, how can I help you?"

"Hi," a small voice says. "Do you know how to do take-aways?"

He frowns, glancing over at the display on the phone screen. He'd think it was a joke except he doubts Scott would patch that through, and there's a childish tone to the voice that's difficult to fake. "Like subtraction?" he asks.

"Yeah," the voice says. "We learned it today but I don't remember and I gotta do my homework."

He presses his lips together so he doesn't laugh and slouches, relaxing a little in his seat. "Sure do," he says. "What's your name?"

"Talia Marie Hale," she says promptly, and Stiles scribbles it down on a piece of paper. "How do I do five take away five?"

"Can you put up five fingers?" he asks, and she makes a noise of assent. "Okay, now put five of them down." He hears her counting in the background and he copies the number the shows on his display underneath her name, then clicks over to run it through the system. When she stops, he says, "okay, how many fingers do you still have up?"

"I don't have any," she says. "How do you write that?"

"Zero," he says. "Do you know how to make that? It's like a big o." He waits another moment before asking, "is anyone in the house with you, Talia?"

"Yeah, my auntie," she says. "But I can't ask her questions while she's writing unless it's an emergency."

He can't catch himself before he laughs. "What made you decide to call 9-1-1?"

"My teacher said if you ever need help you can call," Talia says. "And I really need help. What's seven take away three?"

--

The second call comes in three days later. He's peeling apart his turkey sandwich and layering Doritos on it, providing much-needed crunch, when his phone rings through from dispatch. "Sup, Scott," he says, because Scott's the only one who ever bothers to call him directly.

"Sorry, Stiles, just me," Kira says. "I have someone on the line for you. Given that she asked for you by name, maybe you could remind her that this line is for emergencies and talk to her guardian?"

He presses the top slice of bread back onto his sandwich and leans back in his chair. "Got it," he says, and waits for the click. "That you, Miss Hale?"

"Hi, Mr. Deputy Stilinski,"  she says, tiny voice chipper in his ear. "I'm really confused about this take away."

"Hit me," he says, and she giggles.

"Ten take away six," she says. "I put up all my fingers but I got confused."

He hums and glances around his desk. "Are you with your auntie again today?" he asks, and when she confirms he adds, "do you have any toys at her house?"

"I'm at my house," she says. "Auntie watches me while Daddy's away for work, but she's busy writing her thesis so I can't go in the office."

"What's your dad's name?" he asks.

"Derek Samuel Hale," she says. "And my auntie's name is Cora Elizabeth Hale, and my other auntie is Laura Margaret Hale, and my dog's name is Ruffio Hale. Like from Hook. Auntie Cora named him because she said Daddy was scared of Hook when he was my age and she likes to make fun of him. Daddy tried to rename him but he only wants to answer to Ruffio now."

He writes it all down with a grin—even the unasked for information—and flicks at his mouse to wake his computer. "Your aunt sounds pretty cool," he says. "Okay, go get ten small toys and we'll get your math done. Blocks, if you have them."

He runs Cora's name through the system as he waits, just to make sure Talia isn't being left with someone irresponsible, and finds nothing of consequence. He keeps the list, though; he'll tell Talia not to call 9-1-1 anymore unless it's an emergency, and if she does, he'll get in touch with her dad then.

--

"Little red h-hen makes s-sop," Talia reads, and pauses. "That doesn't sound right. What's ou?"

"Spell the whole thing for me," he says, and corrects, "soup," when she does, spearing a piece of microwaved chicken and popping it in his mouth. He's quiet while she reads, only interjecting when she needs help, trying to eat silently in the background. She mostly spells the comprehension questions for him and he reads them to her, and when she finally thanks him and hangs up, he looks up to see his dad standing over his shoulder.

"Hey, Pops, I finished the file on—"

"When did your desk turn in to the homework helpline?" Noah asks, frowning, and Stiles rolls his eyes.

"She only calls on my break, it's fine," he says, waving a hand to brush away the question before picking up the file. "Anyway—"

"Are her parents aware?"

"I left her aunt a voicemail on Monday," he says, and when his dad just looks at him, he sighs. "Fine, I left her a message last Monday and I haven't heard back, but she's not alone in the house, nothing bad is going on, she's just—lonely, I think." It's something he understands; after his mom passed away, he'd started calling Edith, who worked the front desk of the station when he was a kid, every night his dad wasn't home.

"Call again,"  Noah says, "and next time, make whoever is home with her aware of it. Once or twice is fine; every day for weeks is a problem."

--

"Here," he says, and Talia gives him the first letter promptly before pausing and spelling out the rest. "Good job. Um, said."

He might be extending their time on the phone, just a little. He likes talking to her; she reminds him of himself, her elementary drama always makes him laugh, and she likes asking him questions about being a deputy. So he’s not really looking forward to asking to speak to her aunt and put a stop to all this.

When she seems like she’s winding down, he sighs. “I know you’re not supposed to interrupt Auntie Cora,” he says, “but I was hoping to talk to her. Can you tell her Deputy Stiles is on the phone?”

“Oh, Auntie’s not here,” Talia says, and Stiles feels the beginning of a heart attack coming on before she adds, “Daddy’s home now. I’ll go get him.” He hears a thunk and then little feet running, her calling out for her Dad before there’s a muffled thump.

“Hello?”

“Uh, hi,” he says, “this is Deputy Stilinski from BHSD—is this Mr. Hale?”

“This is,” he says, and if it’s possible to fall in love with a voice, Stiles does so right then. Soft and gentle, just a bit of concern, and he has to stop himself from running Derek’s name through the system to get a photo. His dad is already irritated with him for encouraging Talia’s calls (and, you know, for the whole stopping a bank robbery in progress thing that led to the injury that landed him on desk duty), he doesn’t need to add misuse of resources to the list. “Is everything okay?”

He takes a breath and explains, starts from the beginning and includes how he gave Talia his desk number so she would stop calling 9-1-1, makes sure to add that he’d tried to get ahold of Cora—and leaves out the fact he hadn’t called Mr. Hale directly even though he could have easily done so—and when he’s finished talking, he adds, “I didn’t mind, honestly, she just told me today that you were back in town and I wanted to let you know.”

There’s a pause where he holds his breath and hopes that Mr. Hale doesn’t think he’s a creep, or doesn’t demand to speak to the Sheriff—but he just lets out a breath and says “I am so sorry, I’ll absolutely talk to her, it won’t happen again.”

“I really didn’t mind,” he says again, because he also doesn’t want to get Talia into trouble. “She must get home from school at the same time my break starts because she always called at the same time, I wasn’t busy. Just making you aware.”

“Thank you,” Mr. Hale says. “Deputy—” and isn’t Stiles going to have dreams where his name is said like that, low and grateful and—

“Sorry?” he asks, flushing when he realizes he’s lost track of the conversation. “I didn’t catch that.”

“I appreciate what you did,” Mr. Hale says. “I’ll talk to her.”

--

Talia doesn’t call the next day.

She shows up instead.

“Mr. Deputy Stiles!” he hears from the front, and his head snaps up to see a little girl with long dark hair looking around the room, envelope clutched in one hand, the holding onto the hottest man Stiles has ever seen and holy shit, he suddenly believes that karma is very real and he has clearly done something good in his life to earn this kind of reward.

He starts to stand, and her eyes catch his and light up as she tugs her dad towards him. “Miss Hale?”

“Hi!” she says, flinging her arms around his waist. He hugs her back and looks over at her dad, who gives him a sheepish look and shrugs. “I got a hundred percent on my sight words test and Daddy said we could go to ice cream to celebrate and then when we were at ice cream he said we should do something nice for you because you helped me so so so much and I really wanted to come here anyway because I want to see a real jail and Daddy said if I was really really nice and asked politely then maybe you could show me some handcuffs—”

If this is what he’s like, he’s starting to understand why it was difficult for him to make friends in school, because she just does not stop, and doesn’t leave an opportunity for him to get a word in. He crouches down so he’s eye-level with her and waits it out, accepting the envelope when she finally runs out of words and beams at him. “Thank you,” he says, and when he opens it up to find a drawing and a handful of gift cards, he looks up to Mr. Hale. “You really didn’t have to, Mr. Hale,” he says, wrapping one arm around Talia’s shoulders when she darts in to hug him again.

“Derek,” he says, and when he smiles, Stiles is pretty sure he’s found God. “We don’t want to take up your time, I just wanted to thank you.”

“But—” Talia starts, and falls quiet when Derek looks at her again. “I can’t even see the people in the jail?”

“It’s not really a jail,” Stiles says, shrugging, “just a holding cell. And there’s no one in it right now.”

“Boo,” Talia says. “Can I meet your Sheriff?”

“Lia,” Derek warns, and she sighs explosively. “Sorry about—all this. I talked to Cora and she knows to give Talia a little more attention during homework time, so she won’t—she shouldn’t—be calling you again. Talia, we need to get home. Say thank you and goodbye.”

“Bye, Mr. Deputy Stiles,” she says, and he knows—he knows—that her sticking out her bottom lip and pouting is nothing more than a manipulation tactic, but it hits him all the same. “Thank you.”

--

“Deputy Stilinski,” he says before he fully has the receiver to his ear, wadding up a piece of scrap paper and tossing it at Jordan’s head to get his attention. He motions to the pizza box laying on his desk—dinner for the station courtesy of Derek, who clearly didn’t know the going rate for tutors given the sheer amount he’d dropped on gift cards—and makes a grabbing motion. They’ll be having station dinners for weeks—so long as they cater to his busted foot and bring him what he wants. Otherwise, he’s spending it all on himself.

“Hi,” someone says, and “sorry, this is Derek Hale, Talia’s dad?”

“Hey,” he says, sitting up straighter. “How can I help you?”

“I—” there’s a pause and a muffled sound, a conversation happening just outside of what Stiles can hear. “Sorry, I—I wanted to ask if you would be interested in getting coffee on Saturday. With me,” he adds, and Stiles can hear it when he cups his hand over the microphone and says, “Talia, stop.”

It’s like a record scratch in his brain. “Coffee?” he repeats. He’d thanked karma for smiling down on him, but he’d figured the encounter with Derek was one and done. “You want—with me?”

“Yes,” Derek says, “although my daughter is also extremely interested and I believe is willing to fight me for you.”

Laughter bursts out of his mouth before he can stop it. “You know, I think Talia did call dibs first,” he says, grinning. “What if we all got coffee and then you and I went for lunch?”

“I can work with that,” Derek says. “It’s a date.”

[afrival]

what are the scouts' and warriors' least favorite meals / what will they refuse to eat under any circumstance 💋

fucking BLESS 😩🙌💕 this took a lot of brainpower

no warnings except maybe mention of vomit

•=======================•

Eren:

- steamed vegetables 😐 regular raw shit is perfectly fine or even fried he just cannot stand steamed veggies

Mikasa:

- turkey??? literally thinks it’s the worst fucking type of meat

Armin:

- LMAO SEAFOOD HE FEELS SO GUILTY even tho he actually really likes sushi. he hates red lobster bc of the goddamn lobster tank they keep up front it makes him feel worse

Jean:

- DESPISES sour cream do not fucking dare put it anywhere near this man he will vomit

Connie:

- eggs 💀 especially scrambled

Sasha:

- almond milk is so disgusting to her bye but food wise she is NOT picky at all

Ymir:

- okay maybe this is dumb but like literally hates all breakfast foods. Pancakes, waffles, bacon, sausage, etc

Historia:

- man I lowkey see her being a vegan so probably just meat in general (she would be 100% chill abt it tho)

Levi:

- PIZZA BC ITS SO FUCKING GREASY. He hates messy foods in general like you will NOT catch this bitch boy anywhere near a bbq place

Hange:

- bananas are the worst fruit to ever exist. banana flavored anything. pudding, bread, muffin— get that shit away from her rn

Erwin:

- lasagna ✌️

Reiner:

- mashed potatoes again w the goddamn texture thing like he just hates it

Berthtoldt:

- nature valley granola bars which sucks bc reiner absolutely loves them and just wants to share

Annie:

- HATES PEANUT BUTTER it’s sticky and gross and eugh she just would rather eat a jelly sandwich

Porco:

- soft tacos the texture is absolutely horrendous for him. actually just don’t take this mf to taco bell he hates it

Pieck:

- eggplant parmesan ☝️ actually just hates anything with eggplant

Zeke:

- any kind of fajita ever but especially chicken, also not a fan of quesadillas bc it reminds him of public school 💔

Apologies for this being short and not specific I just— these are funny idc

[spaceorphan18]

99 Perspectives on a Single Love Story #54

A/N: The Story of Kurt and Blaine told through the eyes of everyone else but them. Each chapter is a different perspective in the ongoing tale of their love story.

I started something like this a while back - and now I’m taking the idea and really running with it. Each chapter is a ficlet of a different character at a different point in Kurt and Blaine’s life - documenting their love story. This starts in Audition, and each chapter will be paired with a different episode until reaching Dreams Come True.

[Ao3]

A/N:  When I first started this project, I sat down and figured out who I wanted to go with each episode. This one had me stumped for along time. I mean - Burt I'm using elsewhere. :) And there isn't really anyone else in their story. So, I based this off a real life event that happened to my brother. He actually did propose to his wife at a skating rink - and these photographers, who were waiting for friends of theirs, caught their proposal on film by accident. An interesting serendipitous moment. And so, I had my inspiration for this chapter. Thanks so much for reading guys - happier times are afoot!

***

The Photographers (Glee, Actually) 

“This looks like a good spot,” Nate drops the equipment down next to him.  Shouldn’t take them long to get ready, and their view of the park is pretty spectacular.   Nate takes out his camera, putting it together, and aiming it at the skaters on the rink.  

“Doesn’t this job feel a little, I don’t know, weird?” His good friend Carla says as she helps him set up.  “I mean, normally both parties know when they’re being filmed.”  

“Hey, the dude wants his proposal on camera, but it’s supposed to be a surprise,” Nate argues.  “Besides, he paid double my normal rate, so we can’t really fuck this up.  I gotta pay rent.”  

“But you haven’t even met this guy,” Carla argues.  Nate knows she’s more annoyed that he dragged her out in the cold on Christmas Eve.  But it’s not like either of them had any actual plans outside of their annual turkey and stuffing dinner they get at the diner every year.  “How do you know we aren’t secretly working for the government?  Or the mafia?  Remember the Palmer job.” 

He winces at the memory.  “Look, the guy promised me he’s legit.  Just some dude excited to be finally asking his boyfriend to marry him.” 

“The gays don’t usually do this in public, you know,” Carla eyes him suspiciously.  “Seems fishy.” 

Nate side-eyes her before looking through his camera - scanning the crowd for his target.  A job’s a job, he figures.  He doesn’t care if the Queen of England decides to pose nude on top of a horse.  If it pays, he’ll take the job.  And right now, his job is to find a dark haired man who plans on proposing to his boyfriend in the middle of the ice rink.  Apparently, it had been their first date, and he’s trying to recreate that.  

Nate scans the crowd, not really finding anyone who fits the descriptions he had been given.  Until he sees a couple of younger guys, holding hands, skating together, laughing and giggling as they did so.  They’re a bit young - considering the message Nate was given said that the couple had been together for nearly a decade.  Hell, maybe they met as kids.  

Time passes slowly.  Carla shivers next to him, throwing him skeptical looks.  Nate follows the kids with his camera for a bit, taking a few candid photos mostly to fill the time.  And hey, maybe the couple will give them more money if they like them.  As midnight approaches, Nate wonders if this is even going to happen.  Maybe it is all a joke.  Or maybe the dude is chickening out?  Based on the ecstatic looks on the kids’ faces, he doesn’t see anything to indicate that they aren’t happy together.  

Eventually, the darker haired one of the two starts being fancy with his ice dancing skills, twirling around the other one.  There’s a bit of laughter as he eventually falls to his knees.  Thinking this might be it, Nate readys his camera - taking shot after shot as the kid looks up to the other one.  It’s a fast moment - he’s not entirely sure what is going on as the two of them seem to be talking.  He doesn’t see a ring, nor is there any jumping for joy moment, but the kid on his knees is helped up by the other one.  

And then something strange happens.  The lighter haired one sees him.  Looks directly at him with narrowed eyes.  

“Oh no,” Nate mumbles.  He shakes Carla who is sitting on the ground half asleep.  “I think they saw us.” 

“Isn’t that part of the plan?” Carla grumbles.  

“Based on their faces - I don’t think so,” Nate says.  

Nate barely has time to put away his camera before the boys come to the edge of the rink.  

“Hey!” the lighter haired one yells.  “Hey, you with the camera!” 

“Whadda ya want?” Carla snarls.  

Nate backs her down.  “Can we help you?” 

“Yes, I want to know why you were taking photos of us.”  The kid demands.  

The darker-haired one puts a hand on his arm.  “Kurt, calm down, I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.” 

Kurt, however, looks incredibly upset.  “No - these guys were taking photos of us.” 

Nate gives them a confused look.  The darker-haired one doesn’t seem to know what’s going on either, but at least he’s more polite about it.  “Look, we were paid to alright?  You are Alex?  The guy who hired me to take photos of his proposal?  Said in your letter you’d be proposing to your boyfriend in the spot of their first date around midnight on Christmas eve.  Well, here I am - doing what you asked.”  

The darker-haired one, smirks.  “I’m so sorry, that is not us.” 

Shit.  

The lighter-haired one, Kurt, isn’t backing down either.  “Don’t you tihnk we’re entirely too young to be getting married?” 

“It was an honest mistake, Kurt.” 

“We’re not even a couple, Blaine.” 

“Well, the two of you fooled me,” Nate grumbles.  

Carla’s standing behind him - howling with laughter.  

“Well, I’m sorry for your trouble,” the darker-haired one, Blaine, says. “Maybe that’s your couple there?” 

He points across the rink to a couple of middle-aged guys with their arms around each other, both of whom look way closer to the descriptions given than these kids.  

SHIIIIIIIIITT!!!

 “Uh, thanks kid.  Sorry for the trouble.” 

Later… 

After he thankfully is able to save his own ass by capturing the proposal he’d been paid for, the darker-haired kid from early approaches him, this time alone. 

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to trouble you, but can I talk to you for a minute?” he asks.  

“Sure kid,” Nate says as he packs his equipment up.  Carla’s busy in the bathroom, so he has a few minutes anyway.  “What?” 

“Um, I know this is weird, or whatever, but did you actually take photos of us?” 

“Yeah - I’ll make sure they don’t get on the net or anything,” Nate says.  What a waste of film.  

The kid bounces in his place.  “No, actually, I was wondering if I could have them.  I’d be happy to pay you for them - I have a couple hundred bucks I could give you.” 

Nate eyes the kid suspiciously.  “Really?” 

The kid nods eagerly.  

“What the hell, why not?” 

“Thank you so much,” the kid says, his eyes wide and happy.  

There’s a quick exchange of information.  It’s been a weird night, but at least it’s not a total loss.  

The kid, however, lingers just a bit once they wrap up business.  

“What?” Nate asks.  

“I know this is a weird thing to ask but -- did we really look like a couple out there?” 

Nate gives a hearty laugh.  “Yeah.” 

The kid bites his lip, trying to downplay his excitement.  “Thank you.  Thank you so much.” 

“Merry Christmas, kid.”  Nate says.  I hope whatever it is works out for you.  Now, to find Carla and get out of this frickin’ cold…