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redrobin-detective · 3 years

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Side Effects of ghost powers

Hey all! I’m writing a DP fic called Side Effects exploring the physical and later mental/emotional impact of Danny initially getting his ghost powers. As an ICU stepdown nurse for 3 years, I wanted to view Danny’s accident through a slightly more realistic, medical lens.

Note: I had to fudge a good amount because Danny really should have fucking died and there’s no getting around that.

I do recommend you read the fic first before reading this as there’s some spoilers. Or if you don’t care you can read on. So! The two factors we are looking at regarding the accident are: ecto-contamination secondary to electrocution.

Electrocution

I was forced to downplay a lot of the severe symptoms of electrocution because, again, a bad enough shock will kill someone. My hand-wavey explanation is simply that the portal didn’t activate at a deadly voltage so he got a good shock but not enough to be fatal. I guess.

Muscle weakness/spasms: intermittent muscle spasms are common from shocks, muscles being activated by electricity and reacting to the lingering impulses. Danny’s is transient but quite annoying for a time. But his muscles are gonna be weak and achy af for days if not weeks after from the massive contractions caused by the shock and the after effects. Sensory issues: lots of things can cause nerve damage, including electrocution so Danny is experiencing some pretty severe neuropathy primarily manifesting with numbness and tingling throughout his body. His entire skin and peripheral nervous system got fried so while its mostly numb it’s also super sensitive for a bit of time causing massive pain and discomfort from your body tingling like a thousand bee stings. It’s worst in the hours after the accident but is something that never quite really goes back to normal both from the electrocution and his ghost half taking over and generally dulling his sense of touch.

Hearing/Vision loss: Like skin/nerves, your sensory organs in your eyes and ears would be affected by such a severe and allover electric shock. Danny has some blurred and occasionally double vision from his eyes not properly receiving/understanding input. Hearing loss is common following electricity given how delicate the inner ear is but I just give Danny some nasty tinnitus (ear ringing) for a bit. This inner ear problem also massively throws off his balance when he’s trying to move post accident. These factors are exacerbated by the ecto-contamination and mostly fade in the days following the accident before going away as his superhuman healing kicks in.

Heart Arrhythmia: an irregular heartbeat caused by the electrical impulses that control basal heartrate not coordinating they they should for a variety of reasons, in this case, massive electric shock. Danny would be somewhat aware of it, its not exactly painful exactly but you can just feel that your heart isn’t beating right. Secondary side effects are dizziness, chest pain, fatigue and shortness of breath. This resolves almost entirely when Danny stabilizes

Cognitive issues: Danny got his brains a little scrambled in addition to his molecules being rearranged. The first third of the story Danny is very clearly NOT thinking straight and Tucker/Sam should not have left him alone. Shocks can cause things like irrational emotional behaviors from hormone release along with memory loss and depression. He constantly waxes and wanes in mood and opinions on what to do in the story and never comes to a true decision that, damn lucky for him, worked out on its own.

Ecto-Contamination

Alright so Danny got massively shocked, sucks right but people live through that all the time. Ecto-contamination is more tricky (not only cause its made up and I had to think about what symptoms it would theoretically produce) but because the effects are more life threatening. It’s also irreversible, once he was contaminated it was only something that could be survived not cured.

So I theorized that Danny got shocked by the accident and was slowly dying of ecto-contamination and was pretty much clinically dead for a brief moment there, the death was enough for the large quantity of ectoplasm in him to immediately coalesce into a ghost (Phantom). So Danny was mostly dead but not quite, I’ve coded and brought back enough people to know it can be reversed somewhat. Danny becomes Phantom but the sudden stable formation of the ectoplasm into what its supposed to be, a ghost, caused his body to stop fighting the ectoplasm as a foreign invader and become part of the self. His core finished forming in his chest and his body started back up again, his ghost safely nestled in his once again living body as he slowly comes to grips with his actual death experience.

Nausea/Vomiting: I likened the idea of ecto-contamination to radiation poisoning, something that is essentially the antithesis to life. One of the first symptoms of radiation is n/v which is also why it’s one of the first overt symptoms Danny has. He was heavily electrocuted/irradiated and his body wants to expunge it all. As for the ectoplasm/blood he vomits, that’s the next section.

Gastrointestinal (GI) Bleed: So I was a little mean here. When one vomits up blood (or in this case ectoplasm/blood mix) it has to come from somewhere and a lot of the times it’s a GI Bleed. These are nasty, they need to be either cauterized or surgically repaired not to mention replenishing the blood lost. Fanon says that ectoplasm is at least mildly corrosive to humans so it is here, as it’s bonding to him, it’s literally eating him very slowly from the inside out which is causing a great deal of his internal pain. It’s not enough to be immediately life threatening but would kill him eventually. He developed some nasty bleeding ulcers in his stomach which let in blood and ectoplasm which were expunged. Danny’s core formed overnight and began healing the damage it had previously been causing but Dan is still gonna be vomiting excess blood/ectoplasm not to mention having black, tarry stools for at least a few days afterwards.

Hypothermia/Tremors: Hypothermia is when the body hits 95F/35C which Danny is just above at the start of the chapter. Danny initially starts shaking really bad (rigors) but as his body temperature cools further his shaking slows and eventually stops, a sure sign that the body is rapidly losing the fight to hypothermia and will likely die soon without immediate intervention. This is caused not only by the ectoplasm but his ice core shakily starting to form inside of him. Once he fully turns half ghost his hypothermia doesn’t change but it just no longer negatively affects him (I say Danny hovers naturally around 96-95F/35-33C getting much colder as Phantom at baseline. His body still can be damaged by going too cold but that’s a whole other post.)

Incoherency/Hallucinations: I mentioned in the electrocution section that Danny is more than a little addled and the contamination didn’t help in that regard. Not only is he not thinking clearly but he’s also getting a little delirious and seeing things. Common hallucinations I see are: someone in the room watching you, things crawling on the walls, creeping shadows, you’re in the wrong place. I think its a solid 50/50 as far as Danny straight up hallucinating but also becoming more aware of natural ectoplasm that hangs around in the atmosphere. (And before anyone asks, yes Clockwork did come and visit, Danny just doesn’t remember)

Pain: Being electrocuted, irradiated, being dissolved slowly on the inside is enough to cause massive amounts of pain. Danny is 14, he doesn’t understand true pain and probably underestimated how much it would hurt. Once it got bad, it was almost paralyzing so it got to the point where even when he wanted to call for help, he couldn’t move or think past the horrible pain of his every molecule slowly dying and rearranging itself.

Weakness/Fatigue: I don’t really have anything much to add for this section that hasn’t been said in the others. Just the combination of all of the above meant Danny is so incredibly weak and fatigued, this will be problematic in the days and weeks following the accident as his body heals from the stress put on it. Poor boy was probably just getting past the worst of his symptoms by the time of the Lunch lady attack one month in.

Ghost instinct: Going off the medical rant for a minute to go into another aspect of the contamination present in the story, the idea of ectoplasm adding inherent ghostiness to Danny. Its common fanon that all ghosts (through ectoplasm) have their own unique code and language that is just omnipresent and instinctive. Such a massive, body altering dose of ectoplasm saw those things start to leech into Danny even before he became half ghost. The biggest is his fear of being seen, majority of ghosts are completely invisible and don’t want to be seen by the living. As Danny’s suffering and literally dying, he can’t bring himself to confess to his loved ones for very understandable reasons but also this ghostly instinct in the back of his head telling him to hide and get away. Other instincts are a strong attraction to the portal/Ghost Zone, lowkey being able to sense living people around him and a bit of an emotional dampener when Phantom.

#danny phantom #danny phantom meta #danny not only got his skinny ass electrocuted #but also the ghost equivalent of radiation poisoning #kid is lucky af he survived #this fic took so long to write bc!!! I kept adding in more symptoms and details #and I just do not have enough words to convey how horrible Danny would have felt at the height of his contamination #poor baby #he's a little better next chapter

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bauwhores-blog · 4 years

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Dandelions / j.b x reader/ angst,fluff

Maybe it's the way you say my name Maybe it's the way you play your game But it's so good, I've never known anybody like you But it's so good, I've never dreamed of nobody like you

You were tired. Tired of being his second choice it was always Bella your sister. Bella this, Bella that. You were supossed to be his imprint and you loved him to the moon and back. But today your patience was long gone.

You found out about the kiss. You found out weeks after it happend and the worst part was that nor Jacob or Bella told you, it was Edward who did.

And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine

Broken and depressed was an understatement of how you felt memorys of you and your lover from the day you met until now come crushing like a wave of nostaglia.

‘‘You know staring is not polite’‘ you hissed to your friend standing infront of you. But he didn’t respond, he just stood there staring at you with a look of realisation stuck on his handsome face. You were in a middle of a fight.

You didn’t know what was going on but in the back of you head you did, ofcourse your thoughts were confirmed when he leaned down and kissed you, gently grabing your face with his hands. You kissed him back instantly,his lips felt like silk on yours .Your lips and bodies melting to the sweet and loving kiss. ‘’you can’t get hurt y/n, you just can’t.’’ he whispered.’’I won’t ‘’ and you kissed him again.

You didn’t talk to Bella at all and you avoided Jacob. The only person you were talking to was your dad and occasionally Rosalie. At school you avoided everyone, especially your sister and her friends.It went on for weeks like this until you saw Jacob standing outside of your school hair wet and a sad expression on his face.

You tried waking past him but his muscular hand cought yours and you stopped. You didn’t talk though you just stood there not even looking at him ‘’please y/n talk to me’’as an answer you pulled your hand out of his grasp and went into the school without looking behind.The rest of your day went by as it normaly did.But Jacobs sad expression lingered in your head all day.

I think that you are the one for me Cause it gets so hard to breathe When you're looking at me I've never felt so alive and free When you're looking at me I've never felt so happy

And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine

A week passed and there was no other encounter with the boy. You thought that he got over it which lowkey dissupointed you, and made you feel angry. You weren’t over him and if you wanted to be honest it wasn’t about that god damn kiss anymore. It was about your whole relationship and his true feelings for you.

You loved him to the moon and back, you knew that you wanted to be with him so badly but your doupts wouldn’t leave you in peace. But on the other hand you felt so happy when you would hug him , kiss him , touch him you felt alive and happy but most iportant in love.

Cause I'm in a field of dandelions Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine And I see forever in your eyes I feel okay when I see you smile, smile Wishing on dandelions all of the time Praying to God that one day you'll be mine Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time Dandelion, into the wind you go Won't you let my darling know Dandelion, into the wind you go Won't you let my darling know that

A month passed and not a call or an encounter with the boy. It was because of Bellas wedding, I suppose he was upset that his one and only love was getting married. I was panning on not going to the wedding but mom made me do it so...

There was no other choice than to go to the wedding ‘’she’s your sister’’ with my moms words echoing through my head I started getting ready for hell.

I'm in a field of dandelions Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine And I see forever in your eyes I feel okay when I see you smile, smile Wishing on dandelions all of the time Praying to God that one day you'll be mine Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time I'm in a field of dandelions Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine

The weeding was beautiful, so was my cheat of a sister and the ceremony.She loved Edward I couldn’t say the opposit, but I’m pretty sure ther was a part of her that still loved Jacob Billy Black and I couldn’t help but think about it and get hurt.

Other than me sulking and falling into a deep deppresion, I had fun, untill I was asked to give a speech. Well fuck.

I got up and walked to the microfone, if a pin dropped you could hear it, my hills were the only thing that could be heard. I put a fake smile on and started.

’’ When you are little and you have siblings you fight all the time -the crowd laughed- but I particulary remember that me and Bells weren’t the case. We got along so well that mom and dad were worried. I’m happy it stayed that way. I remember when you were around 7 and I was 5, I told you that I wanted to get married your response was fake gaging-you chuckled along with the crowd- . Now we now that it’s not the case ofcourse. I’m happy for you Bells and I hope your life will be the one you dreamed for.You deserve it,you were and are always there for me you held my hand through rough times, when I woke up from a nightmare I new you were gonna be there taking care of me holding me and I know you are still here for me .Happy ever after sis, I love you to the moon and back.’’

a tear slipped and I swore I saw Bella tearing up too, she did something I didn’t expect though. She got up and rushed to me to hug me. I hugged her back and she kissed my cheek . ‘’I love you too y/n/n’’

After the speech everything felt better, even though I did not forget what happened I feel more relaxed and stress free.

‘‘y/n can you come with me ?’‘ Alice asked me. The brunnete girl lead me to the house and into a guest room I supose, I got into the room and I saw the one and only Jacob Black I turned around to leave at once, but the door was locked -damn you Alice-. So yes I was trapped with my ex in room full of tension.

................................................................................................................................ok so...... long time no see??? Anyhow, there will be a part 2 or 3 idk but I don’t know when I’m going to wright it, but I promise it’s soon!!!!!

#jacob black imagine #jacob black x reader #twilight #twilight breaking dawn #taylor lautner #x reader

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astoldbygingersnaps · 3 years

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Harper’s 2021 Fic Wrap-Up

[sighs]

in some ways i’ve been Dreading making this post because my output this year is just

so much less than the previous year, and it’s lowkey depressing to see that reflected in words and numbers.

for all that 2020 was weird and messy and horrible, 2021 was easily a much worse year for me, and frankly one of the worst years of my life thus far. i’ve made references both on here and on twitter to why the year sucked so much ass and why i spent so much time away from social media and writing, but suffice to say a lot of factors contributed to me being The Ghost of Fanfiction past this year.

still! even though writing was hella difficult for me, i at least managed to turn a few things out this year, so let’s talk about them!

projects i worked on/completed in 2021:

lovers alone wear sunlight (shiita; 70,450 words; in progress):

on the one hand, it’s a fucking tragedy that after all the work i did last year i only produced one (1) chapter of star trek au, on the other hand, if i had to produce a single chapter of this fic in twelve months, i’m glad it was this one.

overall, i’m a lot less happy with LAWS than i was with the first two parts of star trek au, but i think that’s because this section of the story is so crucial and everything i’ve been building up to since day one so i feel like i’m kinda choking under the pressure.

THAT SAID, i AM happy about how 3.3 came out and i’m glad that (almost) all of the cats are out of the bag. the truth is i’ve been waiting to write the confession scene between shisui and itachi for AGES, and it was both freeing and terrifying to rip that bandage off because i knew after this chapter things would never be the same. after danzogate we’re never going back to the comfortable mission of the week formula filled with wacky interactions with the crew and flirty, will-they won’t-they? banter between itachi and shisui that peaked in parts one and two. and, i’m sad to say it, but in the backend of part three things are only going to get Worse, my loves. whoops!

HOWEVER, i also feel Incredibly satisfied comparing this chapter to the very first chapter of SBTTS, and seeing a) how much these characters have changed and b) how believable i feel like that journey has been. we’ve watched itachi go from an overly logical, pissy, stick-in-the mud fighting with his own nature to someone who, while conflicted, has found a way to make the two very different halves of himself far more cohesive. (whether this mindset will stick around after the events of the next few chapters of LAWS, well.. we’ll see!)

meanwhile, shisui has gone from someone who, while a genuinely good person and a good leader, has let his flaws and fears take the wheel and has made some... um... interesting! choices! as a result! and said choices have pushed that deeply buried darker side to him that we first saw in the confrontation scene with kabuto in part two closer and closer to the surface. with that in mind, maybe don’t be too surprised if our boy goes just a liiiittle off the rails post-danzonapping...

wow that was stupid long, but hey. i’ll always find a million and one words to say about my beloved star trek au. more than anything, i’m excited to get this story back on track and bring part three to its very explosive close, so stay tuned!

lazarus taxon (shiita; alternate universe; 22,315 words; in progress):

oh how i love this silly little fic. the funny thing is i originally came up with this idea for an entirely different ship and fandom YEARS ago, but i was never able to use it because said fandom went completely nuclear and was unfuckingtouchable (no, i won’t name names.) still, i loved it so much i was determined to find a way to reuse it, and considering i could find a way to turn a paper bag into a shiita au it was only inevitable we’d end up here.

more than anything, i love how fun this fic is. i love itachi as a cold, cynical businessman with a very deeply hidden heart of gold and enough daddy issues to fill a mosasaurus’ stomach and shisui as his manic pixie dream paleontologist one night stand. and, it was also a great opportunity to show off two of my biggest passions: dinosaurs and animal behavior. frankly, the levels of self-indulgent content in this fic are Unreal.

as always, it’s a delight to write a less depressed, less traumatized version of itachi and see what kind of person he could be if he was just a weird little man with a dad who’s mean to him instead of y’know. a child soldier manipulated into committing genocide. meanwhile, it’s been a blast to peel back the layers of shisui as a character, and go from presenting him as this handsome, morally righteous man of mystery who shows up in itachi’s life to challenge his beliefs and push him to be a better version of himself to seeing the person he actually is.

the last chapter of this fic is like. halfway finished, but to be honest i’m not super happy about the plot beats and the pacing, so i might end up scrapping a good chunk of it. either way, i’m excited to bring this story to its conclusion and my goal is to have it finished by the end of the year, so we shall see what happens.

take my hand, wreck my plans (shiita; canon divergence; 19,517 words; completed):

confession: in some ways, i kind of hate this fic.

don’t get me wrong: i think it’s one of the better things i’ve written technically as the character/relationship progression is solid, the dialogue is solid, and i feel like it flowed really well. but also, there’s a not nice part of me that resents the fact that of all the things i’ve written, THIS is the fic that’s blown up when there are other projects i’ve put more work into that have gotten a lot less attention. and i hate to say that because i don’t want to be ungrateful, because i truly do cherish the comments and feedback, but it’s hard not to be a little bitter seeing other works of mine that i feel are more deserving flop.

ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE, i do love the way itachi and shisui’s relationship came through in this fic. it was a nice change of pace to take things back to canon and imagine the better future they could have had (and deserved!). and by working in a canon setting, it made the transition of a friends-with-benefits situation more believable to me because i think their friendship is genuinely one of the most compelling aspects of them as a ship.

i also really like the potential of this setting and how in the moment where this story takes place both itachi and shisui are in a transitional period. they’re both growing up in a world where neither one of them really expected to live that long and dealing with what that means for them. for itachi, that’s moving towards a goal that previously seemed impossible (i.e., becoming the hokage), and for shisui that’s realizing he needs to get his shit together and stop hiding from the things he really wants (i.e., the cagey settling down conversation he had with itachi).

also... the sex. i’ve said before i’m not a person that writes a lot of sex, but this fic definitely helped me get more comfortable working it into my writing.

i’ve gone back and forth about whether or not i’d want to add anything else to this ‘verse. while i’d certainly be interested in exploring what a hokage itachi would look like in this au and how that would affect shisui and itachi’s relationship, there’s also something deeply appealing in having a project that’s actually finished. so, i’ll never say no to a sequel, but maybe don’t hold your breath waiting for one.

pack up (don’t stray) (shiita; alternate universe; 4,967 words; in progress):

seguing into what may be my favorite thing i wrote this year! i have to say i am sad that band au hasn’t gotten a lot of attention, especially because it was born from a period where i was really creatively struggling and really excited to share something i was genuinely inspired by, but what can you do.

in a lot of ways, this fic came to life because i was experiencing a lot of super intense and negative emotions and a bunch of stresses were piling up at once and i needed a place to put all the ugliness. but! it also came, like most of my fic ideas, from a shitpost alexa and i exchanged via text message that rapidly spiraled out of control.

mostly i was feeling like i was in a rut and like i was writing a lot of the same interactions and dynamics, so i wanted to take two characters i’ve worked with a lot and use them in a very different fashion than i usually do. in some ways it was weirdly nerve-wracking to intentionally write itachi and shisui, characters i genuinely love, in a way that was so unflattering and at times deeply ugly, but it was a good challenge.

birk put it best by saying the tragedy of band au is that it’s just the story of two adults growing up and growing away from each other. the most important thing for me was that even though this was a story in itachi’s pov, i never wanted things to be one-sided or for there to be a villain, because i do feel like at the end of the day they’re both responsible for the demolition of this relationship (and, if you’ve read the previews for chapter two you’ll know that itachi is handling their breakup, um. poorly)

(if you ask alexa tho she’s Team Itachi and shisui can die in a fire in this fic)

(lowkey i’m Team Shisui but we don’t need to talk about it!)

anyway, i really deeply love this fic. i think it has some of the best writing i’ve ever produced and there are lines that to this day still kind of suckerpunch me in the heart if i think about them too hard. i won’t lie, the reception has dimmed some of my original interest in this fic, but it’s definitely still an active wip.

goals i have for 2022:

to be frank, i’m in a not cute place with a lot of things in my life and with writing in particular, so i don’t want to make a lot of huge goals and then feel crappy about not accomplishing them

that said, since the second chapter of atonement au is a scene and a half away from being finished, i think it’s a safe bet it’ll be done soon-ish.

the second chapter of band au is about 40-50% finished, so you should expect that by the end of the year.

jurassic world au is... well, we’ll get there.

to save the best for last, my love and light, star trek au. so help me god, if i don’t publish a chapter for her this year, it’s all over.

and that’s it! i wish i could feel as proud of this wrap-up as i did last year’s, but really all i can do is hope that 2022 will be a better, and kinder, year. as always, thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos and bookmarks, it really does mean the world even if i’ve been super MIA and haven’t been great about saying so.

until next time!

#my fic #this came out more than depressing than i wanted so uh. oops

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thornsofdeath · 4 years

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phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell. phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends.

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more.

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope.

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down.

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au. he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live.

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho

#phf #purple haze feedback #fugo #pannacotta #pannacotta fugo #fugo pannacotta #jjba #jojo #mista #guido #guido mista #mista guido #giorno giovanna #giorno #giogio #fugio #vent #rant

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justsomevoltronstuff · 4 years

Note

Hi, so since you said you do emergency request this is kinda an emergency request if this topic makes you uncomfortable than you can skip it so I have depression and Anxiety along with other mental health problems. I’ve cut for a long time to try and cope and over the last year I have been trying to stop. I recently relapsed after like a month or so of being clean. Can I have a Keith x f!reader where he helps her through something similar? I’m kinda disappointed in myself and just i don’t know:(

so it’s official, I’m horrible at the emergency part of emergency requests😔✌️ I’m so so sorry this took so long

for the sake of getting something to you ASAP I did headcanons, but I’ve already started working on a fic and I’ll hopefully have that out this week but I’ve been working for two days straight and the job will go on a few more days so🤞🤞🤞

I’m placing this below a keep reading because of trigger warning purposes. PLEASE be careful reading this if the topic is something that triggers you💜

you didn’t really like talking about it

you kinda just found a spot in the castle and hid whenever no one needed you and prayed no one would come looking for you

this was something you’ve been handling on your own for so long that you couldn’t even imagine someone else knowing

one day you had gone slightly too long

you were practically itching with the need of feeling that release

as soon as you were all dismissed from an important meeting, you booked it to your spot

carefully tho cause you didn’t wanna be followed

but not carefully enough cause you were followed

Keith found you balled up in your safe corner, bloody and crying

the second you were made aware of his presence, you quickly attempted to hide your bare marked skin and wipe away the tears

his heart absolutely broke at the sight

you’re his girl

(dating or just friends, either way you‘re still extremely important to him)

you’re his girl and you’re doing this to yourself and none of them knew and-

he kinda lowkey (highkey) spirals as he pieces together all the times you’d sneak off or when you’d panic when your sleeves rolled up just a little too high or all the times he’d catch you rummaging for bandages

he started piecing together how this wasn’t the first time

he slowly crouched in front of you and grasped your shoulders, his eyes full of concern

you just immediately try to explain yourself or you try to curl in even deeper on yourself

you think he’s gonna think of you differently now, maybe even think you’re weak or abandon you entirely

all your worst nightmares flashing through your mind with the endless possibilities of how your little secret getting out would effect the good thing you had going

you came back to your sense as Keith pulled his hands of your shoulders and sat down next to you

you peeked up a little when he called your name

when he noticed he had your attention he slowly raised the sleeves of his jacket

you’re eyes widen as you slowly leaned forward and gently traced small scars littering his skin

you looked up at him, his eyes filled with all kinds of emotions

“did- did you stop?”

your voice was shakey, every part of you buzzing with nervous energy

he shook his head “not for a long time, I still relapse every once in a while.”

that kinda just deflated you a little as you curled back into yourself again

“but, no where near as much as I used to. wanna know my nifty secret?”

the whole thing was not a happy situation, but he tried really hard to keep his side of it as light as possible to keep the weight of it all from crushing the both of you

you nodded and he smiled gently before pulling a beige bracelet off his wrist

he motioned for your hand and you gave it to him, he put the bracelet -which you now recognized as a rubber band not a bracelet- on your wrist

you looked up at his with a smile dancing on your lips but confusion oozing from you

“whenever you get the urge, just snap it lightly. it’s not quite the same, but it helps in time.”

you slowly took the band and tugged it some before releasing it against your skin

it was a familiar comforting pain, but a whole lot safer

you thanked him and expected him to leave, but he didn’t

the two of you sat there, in your secret spot, for the next few hours

swapping stories, opening up about the hard things, just talking

you were still far from healed, but healing will take time, and that’s okay

and it’s important to remember that you’re never gonna be better immediately

everything comes with time, and there’s always a sunrise after a long, cold, dark night

~Admin Rori💜

{ps: I’m also a person who has cut before, I spent years too depressed to do any of my favorite things, I felt like everything was too crushing to try to do, all my coping mechanisms got extremely enhanced and it was a very dark time for me. idk if you’ve tried the rubber band thing before or not, but personally I have been clean for three years and two months now, I started with the rubber band and hitting that thing as hard as possible and still to this day I wear a rubber band at all times, whenever I feel I’m spiraling again I just snap myself and it grounds me back to reality. I don’t want you to feel disappointed in yourself, because healing takes so long, and the fact that you’re trying to heal is proof of how damn strong you are. I believe in you. Please, let me know if you ever need to talk to someone or if there’s anything at all I can do to help, healing takes time, and having people in your corner definitely helps as well. I’m in your corner babe, I’m rooting for you, stay strong my darling.}

{pps: I know this is kinda trash and I’m so sorry for that, but I promise I’ll have something better out soon}

#keith kogane x reader #voltron headcanons #voltron legendary defender #voltron #keith kogane #voltron x reader #keith x reader #admin rori #trigger warnings

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

Text

[-lastcall]

what is the one thing you remember most about January of last year? I was preparing for my Disneyland trip in February. It’s crazy that we had no idea what was soon about to happen and how quickly everything would go to shit.

you look at the clock and it’s 11:11, do you wish? Nah.

how do you think you will look 3 years from now? The same, probably.

once you graduate (if you haven’t already) are you leaving your hometown? I’m still here.

What is your dream job? I don’t have one. :/

what would be number one on your bucket list? I want to travel.

how old do you think you’ll be when you make your will? I don’t know.

you get a text message. who do you hope it is? There isn’t anyone I’m hoping to get a text from.

are there any songs that you hear that just make you wanna dance? Can’t help but head bob to catchy songs, ha. That’s about as much “dancing” as I do.

do you get any of your songs from LimeWire? LimeWire?? Wowww. I haven’t used that since the late 90s/early 2000s. How old is this survey?

what’s the oddest thing you are wearing right now? I’m not wearing anything odd.

you and your best friend get in a fight. why do you think that is? Bumping heads about things.

do you use the word “basically” a lot? No.

do you use proper grammar or use IM talk? I like to use proper grammar.

what is your biggest annoyance at the time? Nothing really at this current moment.

you see the person you fell hardest for. what do you do? I don’t know.

have/are you depressed? Yes, I have depression.

did you grow up in the united states? Yes.

are you dreading tomorrow? No.

i’m going to see the person i like tomorrow; any confidence boosters? Hope it went well.

do you call anybody ‘baby’? No.

if your school had a winter formal on new years, would you go? I don’t know if I would have or not.

where is the fanciest place you have ever visited? Uhhh.

who is the one person you can completely be yourself around? My mom.

are your pop-ups blocked on your computer? I haven’t seen a pop up in yearsssss.

do you know a guy that has voice cracks, but it’s cute? No.

do you wear earrings on a normal basis? Nope. It’s been a long time.

what stereotype would people associate you with? *shrug*

how old were you when you realized that life goes on? I realized that a long time ago.

do you consider yourself mature? In some ways.

are your parent’s night owls or morning birds? My dad is a morning bird and my mom is a night owl.

do you like to sing? Yeah. Too bad I can’t sing well at all.

are there some songs that you will never understand the lyrics to? Yeah.

do you own a lot of picture frames? Not really.

who is your favorite author? Some current favorites are AJ Rivers, Mary Stone, and Willow Rose.

how many pillows are on your bed? Like 10 lol. I have a thing for throw pillows. I should probably put some away cause they’re taking up a lot of space.

how is your hair right now? Messy.

is your phone fully charged? No, it’s like 80 something percent.

what’s your favorite thing about the holidays? I just love that time of year between October and December. I really enjoy the holidays.

are you still in school? Nope.

how many days/months until your next birthday? Two months. :O

what is your favorite type of cake? Funfetti, white, strawberry, red velvet. Buttercream frosting with the exception of red velvet, in which cream cheese frosting is a must.

how many rings do you wear on a day-to-day basis? Zero.

when will you next laugh until you cry? I don’t know? I haven’t laughed that hard in a very long time.

has anyone ever told you they would never leave, and did? Yes.

do you worry too often? I definitely do.

do you still speak with the person you fell hardest for? Nope. It’s been almost 6 years now since the last time.

when you get old, will you live in a nursing home? I hope not.

do you like getting pictures taken, or are you the photographer? I’d very much rather be the one taking the photos, not being in them. Ew.

who has seen you at your worst? My family.

what/who makes you laugh more than anything? My brother.

do you remember who you liked this time last year? I didn’t like anyone in that way last year. Or now.

what color is your alarm clock? I use my phone for that, which is gold.

do you look older than your age? I’ve been told I look much younger.

what color is your hair? have you ever colored it? It’s naturally dark brown, but I had been dyeing it red the past few years.

does your family put up christmas trees during the season? Well, just one - in the living room. <<<

what did you ask for, for christmas? Clothes and other miscellaneous things.

what car do you drive/plan on driving? I don’t drive.

when was the last time you were honestly surprised? Hmm.

when it is your birthday, do you have parties? Not anymore.

do you remember what you were for halloween when you were 8? No.

what should you be doing right now? I don’t have anything I need to do at the moment.

do you consider yourself social, or total hermit crab? I’m a total hermit crab.

where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Hot Topic.

is there a promise you would risk your life to keep? Hmm.

doesssssssss ittttt botherrrr youuuuuu whenn peopleee wriite likeee thisss? Uh, yes. It does. Stop.

when was the last time you sneezed? *shrug*

how long does it take for you to get ready in the morning? It takes me like an hour to get ready nowadays. I’m moving a lot slower.

look to your right, what do you see? My closet.

will you save this survey to your profile? I’m posting it to Tumblr. <<<

have you ever been in a hurricane? No.

when was the last time you gave advice? It’s been awhile. I’m not the one to come to for advice right now.

are you wearing socks? I always wear socks.

have you ever played dirty santa? No...

what do you do on christmas eve? do you visit family? The past several years it’s just been my parents, brother, and I. We do our Christmas dinner that night and watch Christmas movies. It’s very chill and lowkey, but I love it.

do you catch yourself thinking about the past/present/future the most? The past and present.

do you have annoying neighbors? Ugh, one side of us are very annoying.

what was your high school mascot? I’m not sharing that.

do you remember who you last slapped? I’ve never slapped anyone before.

have you ever back-talked your parents? Yes.

do you stand up for what you believe in? I just answered this in a previous survey and got more into it.

does you dad still live with you? I still live with my parents, yes.

when is the last time you were actually frightened? Hmm.

why was the reason you last bled? I’m constantly picking and biting my lips and they’re extremely chapped.

how many times do you blink a day? Uh, I have absolutely no idea. Who knows that??

do you wear makeup, everyday? No. It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve worn any makeup.

what’s your name, anyways? Stephanie.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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goldkirk · 4 years

Text

this isn’t a complaint, just a reflection to look back on later. tw for self harm, depression/suicide mention, anxiety, pandemic, and medication discussion

It’s so weird. This whole year is so weird, I was just in the process of starting to get fully hit with nightmares and major flashbacks and everything and it was terrible but also kind of a victory? Because that meant my brain finally felt like I’d put in the work to get to a safe and stable enough place to process things a little? And then everything obviously went to hell in a handbasket for all of us and my brain just went oh!!!!!! haha never mind you’re gonna go mostly neutral numb again and that’s fine. :)

so then I was pretty chill minus the 24/7 anxiety and hypervigilance and some lowkey depression as usual, right, and then just...boom. Rapid downs life. Thank god I started meds this time bc it was fast and hard and I can’t believe the meds have already helped. Was the first week rough? Yes. And then it settled down. And holy shit I can differentiate between anxiety and normal healthy anxiety and The Trauma Anxiety and my anxiety is overall so much better. I don’t have the drive into a pole thoughts now. I don’t have a constant overwhelming paralysis that everyone absolutely hates me and is mad at me all the time. It’s IGNORABLE. It’s not so LOUD. I am getting DRESSED.

GUYS. I GO TO SLEEP AND WAKE UP LIKE A HUMAN AGAIN. I AM AMAZED.

anyway I’m doing really well in a lot of ways and then at the same time I fell HEADFIRST off a sheer-faced cliff into self harming worse than I ever have before in my life. I’m safe with it now and care for my cuts MILITANTLY but at the same time I’m cutting so much more so much faster than ever before, and I keep going over the same “safe spots” and everything, and my impulse control for it is like nonexistent. Every day rn has been like the WORST days of it in the middle of college that only happened a few times in the middle of summer. And I’m not even upset.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of restricted flattened emotions for years now and I know that’s what’s going on here but the ferocity and intensity of both the depression spiral and now the self harm relapse (which has rapidly become the Only Coping Method That Helps My Inescapable Family And Pandemic Stress This Month, UNFORTUNATELY) are kind of terrifying to me???? like clearly whatever is going on that I can’t actually feel is a LOT more intense than I have an inkling of and I don’t know what to do with that. If I don’t feel it, how am I supposed to deal with it? It just comes out through the random sudden depression spike or the reeking-of-desperation self harming and like. I don’t know what to expect, things have never HIT this FAST before unless they were like, an anxiety or dissociation thing. and I’m dissociating plenty lately but that hasn’t had a dramatic spike. Just these two things. I’m so stable in a lot of ways and I have so much progress from therapy and I’ve gotten so much better at handling trauma stuff but I don’t have much or any control over THIS right now and I’m just???? I don’t understand why I even need it ANYWAY because I can’t FEEL WHAT’S WRONG.

it’s just a weird time. I don’t feel upset or like a black hole or anxious out of my mind or totally numb, and yet my actions and needs don’t match the feelings, so m kind of at a loss and trying to minimize my impulse actions in the meantime so I don’t go overboard. I’m not passively or actively suicidal anymore and I’m not a danger to anyone else or myself in any real way, which is awesome. It’s just—a weird confusing time. I am doing so much better and so much worse simultaneously in different areas. I don’t know! It’s wild! Brains are just trying their very, very best. I guess I have to be patient.

#shh katie

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thepausedsforzando · 4 years

Text

III. The Paused Sforzando

Part I. The End To The Remaining Effort

*******Introduction*******

It’s been 5 years. 5 years and a month just about. This post looks weird in public because it’s first one. It’s also marked as III. On October 8th, 2019 I nuked my entire Tumblr. Actually, I nuked all 3: hunkee, digitalclothingofhunkee and thepsychologyofdarthvader. That was a heavy day. This series has been shotty and inconsistent, in that gaps have become bigger and the details have lessened. This could likely be due to the feedback and problems I’ve had with people in my posts when I would talk about personal things that were not only private for me but for them. Primarily, these inconsistencies and gaps are because I’ve slowly descended into more of a void of a human being than I ever thought I could be when my life was right. January 6th, 2016. That’s where we last left off. “We” now means, and has always meant, current Matthew, as well as the one who will be reading this. If any Where are we now? Corny, I know, but you wanted to type it.

I have always dreamed of having a Tumblr where I had literally 0 holdbacks. If it was disturbing or could easily be misunderstood, I’d post it anyway. But coming from a Christian background where the Christian homeschool choirs I was in had its dark pockets of judgement, it, or more than just it, made me severely self-conscious. But that is tied deeper to why I care about what others think, and how their attention makes or breaks me as a human being. But I’m getting head of myself. On purpose.

hunkee, and it’s other 2 sisters were that of restriction. No more. So many have lost touched, forgotten and abandoned me, so who fucking cares now. I may still care. I’m showing it right now, but I’ll contradict that.

One thing I will hold back on is the private information of loved ones who never got a voice to choose whether or not to have their private lives posted here. I am transparent and honest to an extreme, and it’s gotten me in trouble more than I ever thought or wanted to. Therefore, what you will be seeing is the second draft, edited to filter out private events out of love and/or respect to those who didn’t get a voice. They will be edited with summaries and I may even redact names or change said names. Those people deserve it. And I should have known back then. But you can’t know everything. I could have learned faster, but respect is being shown nonetheless.

Alot has happened from January 6th, 2016 to February 5th, 2021. What I choose to be here will be here, and other installments will follow. Where we last left off was- well before I say it, let me show you the progression:

- 2009: The end of my childhood and innocence - 2010: a solid year of happiness in the first chapter of adulthood - 2011: not bad - 2012: The beginning of the dark renaissance; the start of it all - 2013: The Darkness: The darkest point, the breakdown, the intervention and the beginning of me stopping any care and any effort. Laziness became my life. - 2014: The Void: Through trying with little effort, the numbness grew - 2015: I literally forgot most of 2015. The Void at its highest - 2016: The End: The year that I gave up, after 5 years of trying through abandonment. - 2017: Committing to my abandonment. - 2018: Rebirth: The slow growth of the tiniest voice within me. - 2019: Pause #1: Amber - 2020: ugh: - 2021: ugh:

Let’s just begin.

**************

As per usual, let’s recap from the 16th. My name is Matthew. I’m 24 and a half years old. I work at Patsco Windshield Repair and had for about a month. I have been living back at my parents now for 2 years and about 4 months. I’d been single for 1 year and 2 months. I still had my Roth IRA and likely got rid of my savings account due to poor management of my money. I had suppressed my love for Amber again, and it wouldn’t be the last time. I was emotionally void after raging and depressing for years. My life had no meaning, nor did I really have many friends or any social interactions. I had a car. I can’t remember what bills I dealt with, but it was likely phone, insurance, health insurance and idk.

Life at Patsco was pretty lame. I would drive to the corner of a parking lot on a busy road, hold up a sign for a while and repair people’s windshields. Calling insurance companies and cleaning headlights. Great for a high schooler; pathetic that I was there in life at 24. The pay was $12/hr. I forgot if the hours were good. But the best thing that happened then was I read Dante Alighieri’s Inferno. I fell in love with that book. Standing on the grass next to cars at the red light of whatever intersection I was assigned that day. Immersed in the world and loving the darkness. I found beauty in dark things and gravitated towards hateful content. Who would have figured.

Patsco didn’t last very long. Maybe I got fired, I think I did. My memory has deteriorated so much over the past x amount of years. As has my attention span. And effort. Anyway, it usually takes me 1-3 months to find work, and on April whenever, I became a delivery driver for Jimmy John’s. Yet again, a low end, dead end job. I lasted just about 2 years. I asked Asia to let me stay long enough to make it an even two years, but she couldn’t stand me and it didn’t go that long.

Amber had either come back or was always there. For private reasons, someone in her life had jealously forbade me to come over and witness the birth of her first child. That didn't fucking happen with her second. I was there. More on that later.

Remembering 2015, 2016 and 2017 is hard. I'm having to pull up my resume, previous entries of this series and go back to where I was then. By the time Jimmy John’s rolled around, I’d been back home for over 2 and a half years. Being numb and unmotivated, I was also an asshole to live with. I treated my mother horribly. There is much to get into about what I have learned about her over the years and why we clash, but I always handled it wrong and I still do. Too lazy to confront her. She saw me at my worst. Whatever I could do out loud, she mostly saw and had to be the victim of it. She didn’t deserve it.

What I write about tends to focus on home, mom and dad, work, cars and not much else. I’ve neglected to mention Eva but once. I feel bad that in a forgetful and numb phase, I forgot when I met Eva. I met her on MeetMe, a social app for meeting people that too many guys used as a dating site. It was really, really pathetic. But I was open to meeting a significant other too I bet. There goes the hypocrisy. Take note. I just didn’t advertise it and let whatever unfolded, unfold. Before I mention Eva, what happened on MeetMe is notable. I just didn’t advertise it and I'd let whatever unfolded unfold. This is where I was at: I met someone who lived across the road from me named Evie. I put what I wanted onto her and god fucking dammit I was creepy. We were barely just talking and I was gushing over her. She was pretty and I wanted to be with someone.

My obsession with women had always been a tame problem that sprouted when it got to be intense. In 2011, when the neglect started, my creepiness, lack of social interactions and desire to have a girlfriend got weirder. Every girl that was remotely attractive, or not even that attractive was ‘so right for me’ and I’d pursue. Ashley, Andrea, Christa, Amy. I can’t even remember them all. It was every. fucking. woman. that came to Josh's and I's house. Someone I hadn’t been vibing with or talking to in the first place. That’s the key, you get to know someone and if they move that way WITH you, then it’s something. I always bash guys for pursuing if THEY want it, whether they’ve talked to them much or not. In my own way, I did that. I just didn’t assert myself as hard because in this context, it would have been awkward.

Evie casually told me where she worked. We were barely acquaintances and had never met or even had each others’ numbers. And when I saw she was getting off work one night, I bought her the candy she said she loved and walked over to her in front of the store at night, basically a total stranger, and gave her the Reese’s after clarifying who I was. She was extremely quiet. I bet she didn’t eat those candies because she thought the psycho who I guess you could say stalked her poisoned them and is going to kidnap her. Fuck me that was stupid. But that’s where I was at. My desire got stronger and more obsessive over these 4 years. This might have happened in 2015. Either way, I was doing things that were not Matthew. Using a woman for sex, stalking one, and Naomi....Poor Naomi.

We were talking as friends. She was beautiful. I wanted someone. She did NOT want to find a significant other. When she was reaching out for someone to talk to, it was a friend to confide in. And she made that clear. I lowkey pursued her romantically. We’d meet down the street of her house and park in a parking lot close by. We’d talk deeply, about her hard life. And I would be there for her. Once I told her my intentions, we stopped talking. She was upset, and had every right to be. When I was pursuing Amber 3 years prior, I was putting her newborn to sleep and said ‘can you say “daddy?”’...............................it’s hard for me to bring that up because as wrong as it was and I probably knew at the time, now I can’t....I can’t even explain the awkwardness and shame I feel for saying that. Like I devolved from already clingy/kinda obsessive/maybe on occasion creepy to.....that. To a newborn whose mother....I can’t remember if she liked me at that time. I think she did. ReGARDLESS.

The last time I wasn’t like this was Ana. in late 2011/early2012. I was never perfect as I’ve said like 3 times with regards to my intense emotions towards girlfriends. Hell, I wasn’t bad at all to Nicole. But this loneliness, that was a combination of my fault and other things that made me do things I regret. I had my first one night stand years ago. Attaining friends was through the screen of my phone. I couldn’t make friends. I lost my ability to be social. I became more socially awkward. Pursuing women wasn’t successful, and my desire had gone out of control.

Here I am, miles away from the original point: Eva. She was a female and I was looking for a relationship. Desiring love, affection and to get fucking laid. It came in the form of many creepy endeavors. I wasn’t as terrible with Eva. I liked her because I liked every female that came in contact with me. So it wasn’t even genuine when I told her. But we got past that. Wasn’t trying to get in her pants or anything heinous. But as that small phase passed, for the first time in years, I gained a friend. I made a new friend........it’s not that it’s hard, but was for me. I can’t think of the last time I made a new friend. But I hit the jackpot. No one is more loyal than Eva.

She was an actual friend. She listened to me. I listened to her. We cared for each other. She invited me to her house and to outings with her friends. She cared about me. Someone finally did. It was nothing to her. Like it should be nothing to anyone else: you have friends and you spend time with them. But it was the universe and all its stars to me. I made a big deal out of it for reasons you already know. She was the true friend I needed, but got so late. I felt included, I felt cared about and I felt wanted. I think she’d even text me first! That doesn’t exist anymore! She became a bright spot, but it didn’t change what was coming.

I got mad at Jimmy John’s. Aggressive driving, maybe dealing with the occasional dick ‘cause I was in an upper middle class (some would say rich) area of town. Having been void for so long, I felt I was at a dead end. I think I was friends with Eva by then. I had only been at Jimmy John’s for a month, not even. 2 days before Mother’s Day was when it finally happened.

Despite the angel that had come into my life, I was still lazy and numb, but I feel I was more angry at this point. Regardless, on May 6th, 2016, I officially gave up. From neglect to anger to depression to laziness, it had all culminated to this. It came in waves: neglect, anger, depression, suicidal ideation, hopelessness, self-attack, breakdown, intervention, self-abandonment, extreme sloth, numbness beyond the realm of textual representation, sick of my state, denying help, anger and then release. Release of it all. When I say ‘I gave up’, that seems so small in text, but defined ‘the rest of my life’. This had been culminating for 4 years and I finally just gave up. Career? never. Healthy diet? never. Friends? They already all left me so nothing’s gonna change ‘cause it hasn’t. Love? either I said I can’t ‘cause of my mental state or idk. Being happy? it hasn’t been possible.

I adopted a new phrase: Until death. It kept repeating in my head. I had a new set of goals and motivation in my life. My goal was to avoid being happy. It was to never seek love or really get anything serious, idk. My goal was never to get a better paying job, but get enough just to live on my own. Push everyone away, not get lied to by people’s flakiness. Be in a shitty apartment and watch my 30′s, 40′s, 50′s and maybe even 60′s alone. Eat junk food and clog my arteries as no one cares and everyone has forgotten me. What’s the use. I tried. I FUCKING TRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I couldn’t do it. After 4 years, I was alone, I had no social life, I couldn’t score a woman and I was too creepy to even get close to the first step, I had eaten junk food most of my life and it was affecting my mental and physical health, I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t advance because I couldn’t stay long enough, my mental health was blocking my success rate before I started telling people it was blocking my success rate, I was at odds with my parents, Missy was in Chicago, no matter what I did I just couldn’t progress. It wasn’t worth it. I just let it go. My life and my desire to be happy. And that was a commitment. Hard as it would be for my family to have to endure that, I didn’t do it for them. And they didn’t have to suffer. But they did.

Missy graduated the year we're talking about now. To preface that, the whole family had vacationed to New Orleans sometime.....2014? idk, but my mental state and circumstances had made me a recluse. My family was outgoing, talking with Uber drivers and the person kind enough to let us use their house instead of a hotel. They experienced New Orleans and were having fun. But not me. I was not fully there. I was withholding myself from participating. I was quiet. if you knew me when I was myself, I was the opposite of quiet and shy. But the darkness had just become me. I was barely participating, sitting away from people and not saying a word, focusing on rooting my phone and occasionally talking about it, not talking to humans outside of my family and not speaking with a sad, distant, vacant expression.

I learned something through my silence. Usually, if there were family problems, I’d be overly involved and not able to think straight ‘cause I’m thinking of all the perspectives and dividing my attention up multifold. I wasn’t like this in New Orleans. When I said nothing, I got to listen more; I got to see what I hadn’t seen all this time. Or at least what I didn’t bring into focus all my life. And that was more true sides of my family through their interactions. The fighting over nothing and people from different perspectives. The escalations and how my family just doesn’t understand each other. If anyone else is reading this but me, you can learn more than you can possibly imagine when you say little to nothing, sit back and let the conversation you normally are involved in happen in front of you. Don’t interact, just let it happen. Watch what you don’t pick up. Our compassion is valid; we can also get carried away and not notice what’s fully going on right in front of our faces.

Much changed from that much as I used to. Optimism is ideal in moderation, as is everything else. My father was so aperspective shift. I learned more about where we are as a family and I didn’t brush it under the rug as ngry that my standout silence and being a weird, burdensome stick in the mud of a family vacation was affecting everyone and our time together. Not to mention my sister moved out...........2013? I forget. She had been in Chicago so we don’t see her everyday. Things had changed. I had moved back, but for a small amount of time, mom and dad had the place to themselves. That part of your kids growing up and leaving. He confronted me angrily and I learned something else by what he said. You would think he would say something based on how I’ve prefaced this, but instead what uttered from is angry face was:

“Do you have any idea how much money I’ve spent?!”

Sometimes, maybe many times, the way you say something or the first thing you say reflects where your focus is at. I disagree this is always the case. But in that moment, I believe as a man whose life revolved around providing for his family for 20 years, became focused on that primarily. The man can love. The man loves him family incomprehensibly. Never doubt that. But I learned not only of his perspective but how men (traditionally and mostly) make their life’s purpose of providing....larger than love, communication and interaction. All of that is still there in my father at this point, but when it wasn’t, I learned why.

Back to the point, Missy was graduating. I had been at Jimmy John’s a bit and even though New Orleans was a while ago, I only got worse for vacations. And going to Chicago was..........terrible. My sister had always been a social butterfly and extravertive. Our personalities were now white and black. I didn’t know how to talk to people. I didn’t know how to socialize. I didn’t want to. I’d been burned so much that I forgot how to be a human being, and also tried not to be. The silence and seclusion as people were in my sister’s living room, talking, was bizarre. People would kindly ask me about me and raise small talk and I don’t remember how much I’d say if I said anything. I think I’d straight up ignore people. It was extremely awkward. I was introvertive, shy, quiet, ignoring and reserved like I was an extreme trauma victim or a mute (no offence meant to either an victim of a crippling trauma or mutes). My sister was in love and trying with this man that turned out to be an asshole. But at the time, my sister was showing me her life and a very important man in her life and I was just letting it pass me by. Was it as simple as just getting over it? Faking it and putting on a face? That, is the opposite of who I am, and I couldn’t just shake this off. I was alone for 4 years and upset about it. It changed me so much that you don’t just pull out of that. Who Matthew IS. PERIOD. at this point. IS. too far gone from who he really is and so deeply warped and shaped by his depression that who he IS is hopeless and functionless.

Her boyfriend got me a present. I practically said nothing. I watched my sister graduate. I don’t remember it. This is trauma. This has affected my caring, my memory and my attention span. I’m not myself or a functioning human. PSA: it is possible to get out of the habit of many things you don’t think you could get out of the habit of. Like social interaction, how to talk to people, react to things. It wasn’t the darkest point, but such a troublesome time. I was 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% darkness and 00.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% myself. There has always been a voice inside that never wanted this. That disagreed with the (verbal) self harm I’d convince myself. After a while, if you tell yourself the same thing, whether it’s good or destructive, you’ll believe it. You’ll trick you mind. Same thing with your environment. You become affected and accustomed to your environment to some extent. When you don’t realize it.

But this was never me. Me just got smaller. The darkness took over. The darkness was my Caretaker, which leads me to...

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irasobrietate · 4 years

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Brain dump under the cut about some family vacation stuff. I just need to vent.

So my parents have had this cruise booked for January for like a year and a half and my older brother and my sister are going with them because it’s a Marvel cruise, but me and my little brother basically weren’t invited because we thought Brian would be in school (he flunked out) or work (he just got fired) and I don’t care that much about Marvel. But it’s over my birthday so I was little bitter that most of my family was gonna be out of town.

I kind of just recently realized it’s not only over my birthday, it’s over my 30th birthday.

And my mom has offered to add me and Brian on to the cruise since it is a big birthday for me and because Covid cancelled a lot of vacation plans for us.

But like. I’m not at all confident that going on a cruise will be a viable option even by January. That’ll only really be a year since it first cropped up so who knows if an actually decent vaccine will have been finished and cruises are literally just floating petri dishes and I don’t know that I’ll feel safe enough to do that.

And the only solution my mom has put forward besides me going with them is to just celebrate my birthday a couple of days early but then still go on the cruise without me so I’m alone on the actual day. And maybe I could go stay with one of my aunts so I’m not alone alone.

I kind of want to ask them to cancel or reschedule the cruise to any time that’s not my fucking 30th birthday and maybe plan a vacation that doesn’t put us in a small enclosed space with thousands of people for a week. But I know my mom would be a massive whiner about it because this particular cruise is with this WDW Nation group they’re part of (which is why they choose that week in the first place) so that can’t actually be rescheduled and they won’t have been on a cruise in like 2 years by that point (they’d already been a year without going on a cruise but then Covid meant their cruises kept getting cancelled) and I know she really wants to go on a cruise again because she won’t shut up about it.

But like. I want to go on some kind of vacation. I want to go SOMEWHERE. I can literally count on one hand the number of times I’ve gone somewhere other than the store I work at since FEBRUARY. I have been so careful and responsible about how I do social distancing. And then there’s my parents who just got back from their SECOND weekend Disney vacation since the parks opened back up a month and a half ago. They eat out all the time and go on vacations and don’t see any problem with it and think I’m just overreacting even though FL has some of the highest rates in the nation.

And I’m faced with the same “just doing this because I have to, this isn’t actually a big deal” kind of attitude with everyone at work as well. The customers are definitely the worst (the number of people who come in with masks that don’t cover their noses or don’t come in with masks at all drives me up the fucking wall) but most of my coworkers basically think it’s bullshit too. And it feels so isolating and makes me feel like I’m just paranoid to be treating this like a big deal when literally no one around me is.

I’ve been lowkey stressed about all of this from the beginning, but with schools in my area opening back up and my parents continually going out to eat and to Disney and then these recent discussions about the January cruise, it’s been making me feel even more anxious and depressed and just like a general sack of shit and I just don’t have anyone IRL that I can talk to about this and it’s making everything even wrose.

#coronavirus nonsense

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isa-ghost · 5 years

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Achievements Unlocked?

The last decade has COMPLETELY shaped who I am now and the fact that it ends today and essentially sends me off into the next one where turning 30 is the end is something I can’t wrap my head around and not just bc it’s barely 9am as I’m writing it. Ten years hasn’t felt like ten years and all the shit that’s happened during those ten years feels like it’s happened in the last like,,, 3.

Basically this is just me going How The Fuck Did All Of This Happen In A Decade and highlighting the big things that shaped who I am now.

Uhhh this is long I’m gonna-

2010/2011 (Shit’s A Blur):

I started noticing aesthetic interests I had.

I developed my love for the outdoors and exploration.

I started realizing vaguely spooky things were really intriguing to me.

I got SUPER into Harry Potter.

Which lead to me creating my first two Ocs.

I started switching from drawing animals/landscapes to drawing people.

I made my first cluster of friends I hoped I’d have forever. (Spoiler alert: only still have one of em).

2012:

I started identifying with punk rock & emo culture/aesthetics.

I made my first cluster of online friends (Spoiler alert: don’t talk to any of em now)

I got into YouTubers.

I got into anime.

I made my first “blog.” It was a Facebook page for a fictional character.

I discovered my favorite band.

I made my first online friend I hoped I’d have forever (still have em so far!)

I met my future wife.

I started roleplaying with Ocs.

Which lead to making more.

I started drawing digitally using bases. Which started my improvement.

I made my own first little community via my FB page.

Which lead to an rp group of more friends I hoped I’d have forever (still got a handful of em!)

I discovered my other favorite bands.

I started using Skype.

I got into more anime.

My parents were officially fully separated.

Which began the very start of realizing my dad was verbally abusive.

Congrats Isa, You Need Glasses You Dumb Fuck. Hooray astigmatism.

I graduated 8th grade.

2013:

I was essentially forced to move in with my dad for high school.

I started high school.

Officially became total anime trash and started watching them like crazy.

I THINK I hit 100 Ocs at some point this year. Just kept makin them from here.

Met my first cluster of irl forever friends (spoiler alert: only have 1 now).

Learned having Ocs was Not Just An Isa Thing, Holy Shit I Thought I Was Just Weird.

Promptly fell in love with learning about other people’s Ocs.

Realized Wow, I Kinda Can’t Stand My Dad And I Don’t Trust Him.

Had my first boyfriend. *gag* He was nasty.

Experienced my first long distance relationship. It lasted 3 days.

2014/2015 (Shit’s Also Blurry):

Got another long distance boyfriend. First relationship I genuinely liked the person.

I realized talking multiple people through the lowest points of their lives and keeping them from harming themselves was a sign I should maybe get into psychology and do that as a job.

I started getting interested in researching mental disorders.

Realized Okay Yeah, I Lowkey Hate My Dad

Realized I had A Concerning Amount Of Symptoms Of Depression. Fuck.

Realized Huh, Girls Are Pretty Too,,,

My friend taught me about bi and pansexuality. Casually started identifying as pan. Didn’t know shit about LGBT+ stuff.

Was shown a video by my friend. Decided Wow I Really Like This Screaming Potato Guy.

Acquired one more forever friend I still have.

Got slapped in the face by Gravity Falls.

My mom moved out of the rural town I just spent the last like 8 Years Of My Own Character Development In, Dammit

I realized money and finances Fucking Sucks.

Had the,, probably worst year of my adolescence. Angry, depressed, sick of my dad. It was Not Great. Almost started self-harming, only didn’t because I’d be a hypocrite if I did after helping my friends stop doing it.

Homestuck invaded my life around here I think.

Decided I’m Gonna Live With My Online Friends One Day! (spoiler alert: nope).

Was kinda forced by my dad to move out of the apartment I lived in and therefore forced to transfer schools.

Got to meet my future wife irl for the first time. Wow that was,, so gay before we even realized.

Okay Hold On, This New School Is,,, Really Nice.

2016:

New school. New me. New friends. New everything. Fuckity shit fuck.

Okay wait they have an anime club like my other school did we good.

Met another two forever friends that I think really are forever friends now.

Angry Shitty Depression Time Died Down A Little.

Somehow learned about evilsonas. Huh, Does Jack Have One? ... Ok Cool, They’re All People’s Ocs. Meh.

Started learning how to drive. Oh My God This Is Fun.

Lost my second ever pet and was... very confused when I wasn’t as traumatized as I was the first time I lost a pet.

Boyfriend kinda Thanos snapped from existence bc his irl life was hectic.

Experienced what it’s like to have a friend that died.

Wow my irl best friend is hot. ... Okay I Think Boyfriend’s Absence Is Bothering Me. *proceeds to ignore that*

Gets into some more bands.

Knock Knock, You Have Separation Anxiety, Isa.

Finally decided to try out high school things like homecoming. Ooh That Was Actually Fun.

The beginning of the worst end to a friendship I’ve ever had starts. Not Handling It Well.

Discovered Fooster. Cue hyperfixation on new favorite YouTuber and more new friends.

Wait What The Fuck What Just Happened To Jack’s Camera,,,, OH MY GOD HE ISN’T-

HE IS. OH FUCK HE IS. MMMMHELLO KNIFE MAN.

Totally forgets he exists for the next like 10 months.

Realization I Really Fucking Love Halloween.

Discovered what asexuality is and immediately identifies because I thought I was just weird.

Hmm maybe I should start watching this Markiplier guy

Big Sad Times, My Friends Graduated. Next Year Gonna SUCK.

Tried out Dungeons & Dragons. Fuckin loved it.

2017:

Ah fuck I’m a senior in high school this is gonna be a trip.

Discovered I like photography.

Literally where did this school year go it’s so blurry.

Was convinced to end the relationship with boyfriend. He’s still a good bean.

Hey uhhhh online best friend do u big gay.

WE big gay.

Found a book I really like that isn’t Harry Potter, damn it’s about time.

Ok But This Book Really Fucked Me Up, I Love It.

OH FUCK WAIT I’M GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.

Oh that wasn’t so bad.

Actually had to be PUSHED by my friends to have my first kiss with my girlfriend at my graduation party because I was too busy going [dkasjdjf] about having her physically in my presence at all.

First super memorable vacation. Wow I Fucking Love Traveling.

Got to meet another online friend!! I am,, incredibly lucky about being able to do that, this was like the 4th friend I got to meet.

[That one motion blur conspiracy theorist meme] SABRINA IM TELLING U JACK IS UP TO SOMETHING HIS TWITTER IS FUCKY

Gets punched in the throat with Kill Jacksepticeye on the way home from vacation and remembers how much I fucking love Anti

TIME FOR COLLEGE. I made a mistake.

TIME FOR COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Much Better.

Friend I Still Have From High School 1/2 introduced me to Bendy and the Ink Machine. HYPERFIXATION TIME BABEY.

Let’s,,, lets try Tumblr. Jack exists there a lot. And so does good art of everything I’m interested in.

Wait Who’s This Baby With The Mustache, JACK EXPLAIN

Okay there’s More Going On Here, lets get active in the community.

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SECURITY FOOTAGE. THIS IS SKETCH. THIS ISOH MOTHERFUCKER ITS ANTI

Isa: Become Theorist

The rest is history, really, all stuff I’ve posted about on here. xD

And knowing me I’ve left out other highlighted bits but remembering all of this is,,, really exhausting lmao, I’m surprised I jotted down as much as I did in Relatively Chronological Order.

#happy 2020 new year

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fidelishaereticus · 5 years

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Finally Doing Something About My Insomnia, Because Fuck This Noise

As you all probably know i’ve been struggling with insomnia over the past year (I whine about it a lot). Good news! I’m about to stop whining about it and start kicking its ass instead.

In case you’ve forgotten, the problem started in January of 2018 when I went bupropion. I’ve been off that medication for about 9 months now, but I’ve still never regained the kind of Good Sleep I had before I went on it, and every couple months (as now) the insomnia will still resurface in Full Force for a week or so and Ruin My Life™. At worst, I can’t sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours a night. At best, my sleep is super fucking fragile and I find it difficult to enjoy my life for fear of upsetting it. Every time i have a single alcoholic beverage, for instance, i don’t want to have to wonder “will this ruin my sleep for the next weeks?” Every time I bake cookies after dinner or go out dancing in the evening or even just do something really basic and human like have sex??, i don’t want to have to have to worry that it will kick off another episode of insomnia. Before going on bupropion, i could drink a cup of coffee at 9pm and get to sleep by 10:30. Now i’m afraid to breathe near anything remotely caffeinated after 1pm, which is especially depressing in light of the fact that even on days when i do everything right, the insomnia can still strike, for reasons quite beyond my comprehension and control. I feel like a victim. I hate it. I don’t want to live like this! And Guess what? I don’t fucking have to :D

I’d gotten to thinking that I’d tried tried everything, but I really haven’t. Because while there’s no such thing as perfect sleeping pill, there actually are some solid, evidence based cognitive behavioral treatments insomnia. What I’ve tried is melatonin and ZzzQuil and guided meditation a handfull of good sleep hygiene tips and tricks. What I haven’t tried a serious treatment plan. THIS IDIOT HASN’T EVEN TRIED THE TOP TREATMENTS RECOMMENDED FOR STUBBORN INSOMNIA BY MODERN MEDICINE! So, upshot? I’ve decided to try Sleep Compression Therapy.

This article describes it pretty well. The basic idea is that you give yourself a very narrow window in which to sleep—not quite enough (say, 5 or 6 hours), at exactly the same time every night, with no allowance for naps or real rest outside of that window. if you don’t manage to sleep during that window, you don’t get another chance till the next night. At first, naturally, you’ll lose more sleep than usual following this rule. Maybe quite a lot—so you have to do do it in safe circumstances. You may well be wrecked for a few days. But if you stick to it, apparently you’ll get increasingly tired until your body is kind of forced to sleep in that window of time. Once you’ve got that down with some reliability, you can start increasing the interval by 15 or 20 minutes on either side every few days or so, until you are eventually sleeping your optimal length of time.

There are a lot of other things that can help sleep of course, either in conjunction with or instead of sleep compression therapy, but that’s the main new Method I want to try (supplemented with other good sleep hygiene habits*). It’s doable, has a lot of good science behind it, and a pretty encouraging success rate for people who’ve gone through with it.

Tonight is night no.1, i’m setting my bedtime at 1:30 and my alarm for 7:30. We’ll see how it goes! I’ll journal my progress here for you all as I slowly go insane

*For example, I’m also not allowed to do anything in bed but sleep. I’d heard this one before, but now this is extended to exclude “lying awake in raw terror Not Sleeping™.” This means that if it’s taking me longer than 20 minutes to drift off and I can feel myself Not Falling Asleep (I don’t feel soft and comfortable and drowsy; i feel Awake and Agitated), I gotta i’ve gotta get my body out of bed and do something calming (either in the dark or in dim, warm light) light for 30 min before trying to sleep again. This is supposed to teach my dumb brain that the bed is not the place to have lowkey 5 hour existential crises before subsiding into a fitful delirium: it is a place for Sleep Actually.

#about me #insomnia #sleep compression therapy

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dearmyblank · 6 years

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mozart,

i’m not good at being romantic. i’m not good at a lot of things, ha ha, but honestly — it’s my natural reaction to scoff and roll my eyes at anything sweet and mushy. this is all still new to me, and i’ve been stressing for a few weeks over what to do for you for valentines day (and your birthday), even though it was like a month away.

it’s probably a little embarrassing, but i thought that maybe creating a blog was a good idea. i thought, maybe, it would show you a handful of times i was thinking of you without you knowing. i thought, maybe, it would be a way to show you all of these words i can never manage to get out when we’re talking. what usually happens is later, after i’m home, i end up shouting my deepest feelings into the void. and i know you need to feel loved and appreciated, so gathering up all the little details that i cherish and posts that made me think of you and linking you to them, i don’t know… it just seemed like a decent idea, even though it’ll be an unorganized mess. i hope i’m not wrong.

and i hope it doesn’t scare you away.

i’m a little sentimental looking back at the things i wrote for you just a handful of months ago. it’s not a lot of time, but it just passed me by. we have come so far and i don’t even know how. it’s like i blinked and we were here, and everything else is a beautiful, painful, wonderful blur.

i remember when we first met, and my mom talked to you in the car ride more than i did. i remember how i was standing awkwardly (as i do) in line with you, and you tried desperately to make conversation and it didn’t seem to go anywhere because i’m really bad at that and i was really nervous. i’m sure it was noticeable. you asked about the last time i saw your sister and the cat scratches on my arm and i gave painfully short answers and couldn’t force myself to make eye contact. i remember how after the bullshit about the “buy one get one” ticket prices we finally got in and i began to feel more comfortable with you and after a couple of hours my worries had subsided, even though the awkwardness… did not. sorry. i remember how you said my shoes were cute and you teased me about my height so i stood on my toes and then you stood on your toes and it defeated the purpose. i remember how we walked through the barn and you said “that was depressing”. i remember how you picked the green seat because you knew it was my favorite color. i remember you telling me about some girl you rode the ferris wheel with the year before and i remember how sweet you sounded when you asked if you could hold my hand for the last five minutes, and how i thought it was strange that i wanted you to.

i definitely fell for you on that day. i mean, i was oblivious to that, but looking back… you’d already won my heart. i’m sure you know that, though. i think you won my heart long before i ever saw you in person. i’d already written letters to you and admitted to myself that i was crushing, and my whole family had already picked up on it. but seeing you was probably a confirmation for my feelings.

when you walked away to sit at the benches by yourself i wanted nothing more than to walk over and hug you, but i felt like that would be overstepping my boundaries so i stood back for a little while instead until i could finally get myself to approach and ask if you were okay. i hugged you when we dropped you back off, and even though i spent the rest of the night and the entire next day feeling motion sick as hell, it was worth it. i was happier than i had been in a long time. just thinking about the way the scrambler kept tossing me toward you made me smile for days.

looking back on that is… strange. isn’t it? it seems like years ago. i feel like i was a different person back then. i kept the band and wrote the date on the back. i still have it. i still have the airsoft bbs from the day we shot at each other in the backyard. i still have the vape juice box you left at my house, all the notes you’ve written, even your coffee lid my sister stabbed from christmas eve. i still have the broken shell and the rock you picked out from the night at the walking trail and the pocket knife you left me. i guess i’m a pretty sentimental person. lowkey. but i feel like i’m getting off topic, so, moving on.

back when i was being stubborn about labels and insisting i wasn’t ready for a relationship — and i wasn’t, but i don’t regret saying yes to you — it was so cute how you asked me to kiss you on the cheek, then asked if i wanted a real kiss. i had thought about kissing you so many times. it was nice. actually not as awkward as i would have imagined, though that may surprise you. i’m glad i have gotten to kiss you many more times since then.

that same day, earlier when we went main street, i heard you play piano for the first time in person. i remember how you analyzed the weapons for sale in all of the stores and threw an arm around my neck when i was looking at some display. i remember how you made sure i wasn’t hungry or thirsty. i remember how i asked you to slow down driving to your dad’s and you did even though you probably thought i was being stupid. i remember how you kissed me on the side of the head every time you reached for a new card and how you kept your hand on my leg under the table so i felt calmer about being around people i didn’t know, and the look you wore when i was called your girlfriend even though i was not your girlfriend then.

i feel like so many things have changed… but i am still very much in love with you. i still hang onto all of the things you do even if you don’t realize it. if anything, i love you more now than then. i know that i have a lot of doubts and insecurities and sometimes i hit stupid, weird mental blocks, but beneath all of that i still love you. i am grateful that you’ve been patient with me in more ways than you should have to be. i am so grateful that you give me chances to be myself, whoever that person is. i am grateful for all of the reassurance and the gifts (from pepper spray to pennies to coats to jewelry) and the fact that you ever gave me a shot to begin with. i’m grateful you convinced me to take the leap and make things official. i am so, so grateful you are you and you exist and we are currently intertwined in this roller coaster of life.

i also remember how it felt to lose you… almost lose you? even if it was just a handful of days, it sucked. it was the worst feeling climbing out of your car thinking i was never going to see you again. i don’t know how i made it to my bed before i fell apart and i don’t know how long i cried but i know i’ve never shed so many tears over another person before. i know you don’t believe in god and you’d think it was ridiculous, but i kept asking him for some more time, for just one more month with you because i wasn’t ready to let go. i was pissed and i kept thinking about how i’d never be able to kiss you or hug you or even sit with you again and it brought on more tears when i thought i was all out. i brushed it off with my family and pretended i was fine because i didn’t want to admit how far i’d fallen but for the record, i was far from fine, and it was both painful and comforting how you continued to talk to me the same way you had been.

i think you’re the only person in the world with the potential to break my heart.

it was such a relief when you said that you guessed it wasn’t over for either of us then, and you put your relationship status back up. i was confused because we didn’t really confirm that we were ‘back together’ but i didn’t care because that meant i had more time. i’m glad that it was longer than a month even if that was all i had the nerve to ask for. i’m glad you’ve put so much work in. i do notice it. i promise i do. i don’t call it out but all of the little things you say and do to make me more comfortable, to make things smoother, to make me smile, whether they’re intentional or not, i notice.

i’m sorry that sometimes i don’t reply in a timely manner, sometimes because i am writing things like this, but i never intentionally ignore you. i am always thinking of you and ready for the next message. i have never gotten tired of talking to you and trying to understand your explanations about piano pieces, or watching random videos you send me. i have never not wanted to talk about you, and sometimes i catch myself rambling on about random things about you or bringing you up in unrelated conversations and i have to stop myself. i have never not wanted to see you, and that puts you on a very short list of probably three people i never want to avoid. i’ve been feeling real shitty lately in all sorts of ways and i told you there was nothing you could do but i might’ve been wrong because after spending just an hour with you i felt all of the negativity that had been weighing me down drain away. when you fell asleep with your head in my lap and i kept petting your hair i found myself thinking — well, mainly two things. how cute you look sleeping, and that i was okay again.

i have no idea what the future holds, but i still like imagining you in it. you make my life much better. as much as i am afraid to get my hopes up and cannot shake the idea that you’ll find better, all of me will continue to want all of you. i love you. more than i love cheese and pasta. i love you more than i fear getting hurt. pet pet.

- anything else.

#dearmyblank #dear my blank #a #submission

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bunniibones · 5 years

Text

Mind if I... vent a bit?

guys... I don’t know anymore... I don’t even know where to start... I feel completely lost, traumatized, paranoid, anxious, depressed and in complete despair...

things have been awful here... like... very very awful. You see, since this March 7th there has been countrywide blackouts, the first one lasted 5 days straight, the others just hours, but... oh boy, I can’t spend a moment in the day where I don’t think about a possible blackout. All the time I think that the lights flickered and when they truly flicker my heart skips a beat and my stomach does somersaults... there’s no water service bcus it doesn’t work without proper electricity. Everything is a chaos outside, if people were already dying now they’re even more... even from the hospitals they yell through the windows exclaiming that the ill are dying...

I have nightmares involving blackouts and whenever we’re in one during the night I get problems to sleep... I wake up every minute after dreaming that the electricity came back, just to see my bedroom in darkness. Every time we reach 6pm I start getting anxious, thinking “Will we get a blackout tonight?”, not wanting to eat and being jumpy and alert because of that

Sure, things hasn’t been as terrible as they were in the first blackout because thanks to all the donations now we have the electric generator, which allows us to connect a tv, the blu ray, a lamp and the freezer so we can get distracted watching movies until it’s 11 pm when we turn the generator off and go to sleep

but... heck... the stress and anxiety still prevails... still tortures me, whenever we get a blackout we have no idea how much it will last... if just a couple of hours or days... and it’s completely terrifying...

due to all of this, I’ve lost the motivation for everything... I don’t feel like doing things I love and enjoy anymore... I’ve been working on commissions and drawings in between to keep myself distracted and gain money to help my parents and such, but just drawing isn’t enough to keep me sane... it isn’t

I just wanna cry... cry until I die or something... tbh, I’m not in need of money right now, I have enough for two months, but knowing that I have work/commissions to do keep me from doing something stupid.

my head hurts, my neck is killing me and the anguish I feel is not normal... I’m broken, if I was broken already due to my mental illness now I’m even more broken thanks to this fucking dictatorship, the only good thing in this is that I haven’t had any more panic attacks during the blackouts because I’m somewhat used to them at this point, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel anxious during them... I wish we could get a proper electrician that makes the connection of the generator to my house... ugh

I think, “Well!! I can get myself distracted on the internet while I have electricity!” but the thing is that I’m not enjoying it, every time I enter I’m still with the thought of “There’s gonna be a sudden blackout” in the back of my mind torturing me and not letting me to enjoy things

and the worst part is that a good part of the artists I know are leaving the country since the blackouts began... I was planning to leave too, but my parents don’t want me to, they don’t want to leave because of the amount of xenophobia against Venezuelans out there... and they’re right to be scared of it, there has been so many cases of venezuelans getting their homes raided, being chased, being harassed, being attacked and even being kidnapped to make brothels... so if we get out, we’re in danger... and in here, we’re being tortured with the lack of water, electricity, food and medicines...

I want this to end... or die... whatever happens first

at this point... I know it might sound bad but... I’m lowkey wishing my grandma didn’t stop me when I tried to kill myself last year... I’m sorry to say it, I know I shouldn’t think like that but... I’m too broken to think correctly...

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pastelpastryblog · 6 years

Text

DEAN scenario- What on earth did I do to deserve this?

Requested: Dean looks like the guy you see at the gas station at 3am after the club that you trynna fuck but you cant tell your friends cause they gonna judge you. Sooo many bad but good decisions. Someone should make a scenario out of that lol. via @icygrrlnat by @otheruponrother I really hope that you like this scenario. It was a bit hard to make but I hope it turned out good for you :)

Word count: 3,473

Genre: Angst,Mature, strong language, suggestive content

*Wednesday*

Its F/N birthday in 2 days but I really don’t want to go out clubbing with her and the other girls. The past 2 months has been very rough for me. Whether it is my personal life and my professional life, both was rough for me, but this week has honestly been the worst of it all. My high school bully, Yucky hyuky…. I mean Kwon Hyuk, has now been appointed as my new supervisor since June and he has been putting me through hell. He always tells me to do the team’s dirty work and he always takes his anger out on me when someone else in our team messes up. All the women at work find him attractive and they all flirt with him. If only they knew him personally. I also feel so depressed lately and Friday and Saturday are my only days off this week, so I want to spend my day in bed, and have my phone switched off because I also don’t want to go out with my co-workers Friday, because they are all going to watch Kwon hyuk perform at an event. I honestly don’t want to be reachable. Like honestly, what on earth did I do to deserve this type of treatment from him. Like, the only bad thing that I have ever done is have a crush on yucky hyuky when I was like what? 16? 17?

My friends never let me live down the fact that I had a crush on a school bully that looks like he bathes in mud. All my friends hate him because he used to bully them too, but not as severe as my bullying. He was known for being the first guy in our grade that lost his virginity, was always fighting the older boys of our school, known for sleeping around with the older girls from different schools and older women from universities. He was also popular for leading on the girls in our grade and giving them false hope. He even had an affair with one of his girlfriend’s mom. There even were rumours of him having an STI or an STD, and him getting a married university lecturer pregnant but those rumours could be fake. But in other words, he was a full-blown hoe, a dirty one. If you were associated with him, you automatically became a dirty hoe by association, so everyone that had morals, tried to stay away from him because he was trouble.

~2 days later, Friday~

It is F/N birthday today and they all pleaded me to come and celebrate F/N 25thbirthday. I really didn’t want to, but then I remembered that she always comes to my birthdays, even when I don’t do anything on my special day she manages to bring me a birthday cake and a present. So technically, I HAD to go out. We pre-drink as we get ready, and we have a pre-party before the turn up at the club. We all dolled up for our girl’s 25th. Everybody looked like they could be in movies, while I opted for a lowkey option, a black strapless pvc bodycon dress, off the shoulder denim jacket, and black barely there heels with a small black clutch bag. I even wore makeup for the first time in months, a light Smokey eye with dark plum lips and I even took my messy bun down and straightened my hair. Basic but cute.

It’s 1am right now but we have been in the club since 10pm. Some of the girls are drunk, and some are one more shot away from being completely drunk, like myself. I guess hanging with my girls is like therapy to me. I get to just let loose and have fun, I feel like I deserved this. I deserved to not think about my love life, debts, my bills and my demon supervisor. This club is too lit and so are the people that I am surrounded with, the birthday girl is getting all types of attention because she looks beautiful with her face full of glam makeup and her sparkly dress and her figure 8 body shape. Its so good to see everybody having fun and enjoying themselves. 30 minutes into sitting and sipping our drinks at our VIP booth that we had reserved for the bday girl, the DJ stops the music and announces that an upcoming R&B singer is about to hit the stage so me and my friends head off to the stage to see the show but for some reason I see my co-workers, so I try to hide from them, but they see me and I get approached by them.

“hey Y/N, what are you doing here? I thought you didn’t want to go out “

“Hi, um…. its my friend F/N birthday today so were celebrating here. Why are you guys here? I thought you guys were going to see Hyuk, I mean Mr Kwon perform somewhere. Did you guys not go?”

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, UPCOMING R&B SINGER, DEAN” says the DJ.

Oh boy…….

“yeah we ARE here to see Mr Kwon, DEAN is his stage name.”

“Ooh, he’s starting. Bye Y/N see you at work”

“We’ll tell him that you were here, say happy birthday to F/N for me. Bye!”

F U C K.

“Erm, wait. Is that fucking Yucky Hyuky on stage? Says friend #1

“WTF, isn’t that Hyuk? The dirty one from school? Hes trying to be a singer now? Wow” says friend #2

I honestly did not expect to see this beautiful demon slut here. I came out with my girls to have fun, to forget about all the shit that is troubling me. Not for me to hear his angelic voice.

Pause. Did I just call this man beautiful? Angelic voice? Pfft. As if!

Seeing Hyuk on stage was, well… different. He is very charismatic on stage and he looks and sounds like he knows what he’s doing, which is a great thing for him I guess. I don’t know why but seeing him on stage is kind of making me feel some type of way and I really don’t like it. 30 minutes into his performance, while me and my girls standing in front of the stage, I notice that Yucky Hyuky kept looking in my direction, but I kept brushing it off. Maybe he was looking for the other co-workers, maybe he’s trying to identify and remember my girls, maybe he’s thinking of more ways of ruining my work for me tomorrow. No way is he staring at me because he thinks I’m cute. It can’t be. But for some reason, this look was one that I have never seen before. It was a soft yet sexy look. I don’t know, maybe the drinks are hitting my brain right now.

So, at this point, me and the girls split up to do our own thing while still being on the dance floor. I was vibing to hyuk’s music with a drink in my hand, while also ignoring the long stares that he is giving me from across the stage. All of the sudden, I get bumped into. Somebody accidently spills a drink on my dress (thank God, it’s a pvc dress so no damages were made), I turn around and I notice that it is my ex-boyfriend, Juno. I froze, I didn’t know how to react, so he just pulled me by my hand and took me out. He takes me to the unisex bathroom starts wiping the drink that he spilt on my dress.

“I’m so sorry for spilling my drink on you, Y/N. You look beautiful by the way” he says as he looks me up and down while licking his lips.

“why are you doing this to me? And what do you want from me?”

“I’m just trying to get you clean Y/N, I spilt my drink on you. Did you expect me to leave you like that?”

“spilling a drink on me is nothing compared to what you put me through. “

“I just wanted to check up on you, to see how you’re doing”

“You broke my heart, you damn idiot. How do you think I’m fucking doing?”

“look, I’m sorry Y/N. I didn’t mean to hurt you. “

“Save it Juno. You used to cheat on me whenever I wasn’t around, especially when you went on tour. Then you cheated on me with your so called “best friend” Hyorin from college and got her pregnant. Whenever Hyorin did something bad, you would always stick up for her and put the blame on me instead. Whenever I would confront you about it, youy would always say that shes been your friend since day 1, so you had to do what you did. You never had my back. The reason why I am in debt is because of you. You made me feel horrible about myself by body shaming me, always lying to me and you were just verbally and mentally abusive to me. So, what do you mean by saying that you are sorry and that you didn’t mean to hurt me. You are not sorry, and you definitely meant to hurt me. You knew damn well what you were doing, Juno”

“Y/N, look, I’m so- “

“Oh, shut it Juno. You know damn well you don’t mean it. What? You’re Sorry? You didn’t mean to hurt me? Are you fucking kidding me right now? You’re only apologising because I look good tonight. You’re only apologising to me RIGHT NOW because you want to take me home and get in my pants. But guess what Juno? That can never be me. Not anymore. I am not falling for your bs again. You are the worst. Thank you for ruining my night Juno. Have a great life, bitch.” I started to walk off and then I turned around to him again and I say “Oh, I forgot something. Congratulation on your baby by the way, and tell your side bitch, oops, I mean tell your baby moms that I said hi”

I walk out of the bathroom and leave Juno in there, but I notice that Hyuk was standing outside the bathroom, but I don’t care. I don’t care if I’ve missed him performing his last 4 songs. I don’t care if he finished his performance. I don’t care if he heard us. I don’t care if he thinks that I look stupid right now. In fact, since when did he ever think I was not stupid? I don’t care at all. I need to get out of this club asap. I head back into the VIP booth and I grab my purse, go to the bar one last time and I get two glasses of henny and a shot of Vodka and I gulp it all down in one go. After that encounter with Juno, I really needed that. After I finished my drink, I leave without finding my friends anything because I didn’t want my girls to fight Juno. Its F/N special day after all, no need for her day to get ruined by me.

I get out of the club and I walked to the nearest gas station so that I could wait for my uber there. I get a notification on my phone and the Uber driver says that he will get to me in 55 minutes. So out of nowhere, tears just start falling down my face. I was having such a good day today but out of nowhere, I see my co-workers from work, hyuk, my ex and now my uber basically cancels on me. How can my life be so messed up? What did I do to deserve this?

Its been 20 mins and I’m still at the gas station crying. But this time I’m crying, curled up in a ball on the side curb and I took my heels off because they were hurting my feet. Out of nowhere, a car pulls up, but I had no energy to look up. Someone finally opens the car door and yells my name. still crying and still not looking at who the person is, I feel someone’s big, warm hands putting my hands away from my face and I notice that the person is Hyuk. He then goes inside the gas station store and comes out with a packet of tissue paper that he just purchased. He approaches me and doesn’t say anything. He just wipes away my tears with the tissue paper and out of nowhere he picks me up and puts me in the passenger seat of his car. We get in the car and he covered my legs with his jacket and places the packet of tissues that he bought for me on my lap. The car ride was not silent at all, because all I did was cry and sniffle. I cried so hard that I ended up falling asleep during the other half of the car ride.

I wake up when I feel Hyuk placing me on something and covers me with something warm and fluffy. I get up and I see that I am in a clean yet modern studio apartment.

“where am I?” I ask.

“you’re at my house, so don’t worry. But are you okay?” he asks me as he is taking pillows and comforters out of his wardrobe and placing them on his sofa.

“I’m a bit dizzy and I have a pounding headache. I feel a bit nauseous too, I think I’m going to vomit. Are you moving the bed?” I say as I sit up from his bed as I place my arms around my stomach.

“No matter how hard a situation is, you should never drink that much for you to be feeling the way you feel right now. How much did you even drink?”

“A lot”

“that’s very irresponsible of you, Y/N”

He quickly runs into his kitchen and gets me a bottle of cold water and some pills for me to take, while he got himself a Jack Daniels bottle.

“here, take it”

*giggles* “thanks” *giggles.

“Don’t ever drink like that again and wonder off yourself. what if a creepy man was to put you in his car instead? Do you know how dangerous that could have been?

“Wait. Since when did you ever care about my wellbeing, Mr Kwon? And why do you look so sexy tonight?”

“Since forever. Huh, wait what? Did you just call me sexy?”

“huh? What the fuck?” I chuckled as he looked at me.

“Look, when I was on stage performing, I was so shocked to see you in the crowd. I was not expecting to see you because you told all of us at work that you had other plans.”

“Great, this whole situation is going to get me in trouble on Monday isn’t it? I’m getting fired” I sigh.

“No Y/N, when I was performing I kept staring at you because you looked beautiful today. In fact you look beautiful every day and – “

“Look Yucky Hyuky, you still are the same, aren’t you? Are you saying all of this just to get my hopes up and laugh at me at the end? You used to do that to all the girls in our grade. I had a crush on you for like 2 years but thank goodness I didn’t confess to you or you would have embarrassed me in school”

“Y/N, did you just say that you used to like me?

“I used to but then I hated you but seeing you on stage kind of changed my hate for you. It kind of made me have a crush on you again”

“Y/N, I think its time for you to go to bed, you’re still drunk”

“No, I really mean it, Yucky. I was the ONLY girl that you never asked out as a joke or led me on. That made me feel really weird and top of that, you used to bully me for no reason!”

“the truth is that I have always had a crush on you. I have always had a crush on you, Y/N.Infact, I still do. I made you feel that way because I thought that you would never ever like me and you are just to good for me. You made me want to be a better person so that I could finally approach you, but I was unconfident and scared of being rejected by you and that is why I started to sleep around with a lot of girls, it was to get my mind off of you, but it never worked. You have always been on my mind. When you joined the company, I was really excited to see you and I wanted to show you an upgraded version of myself, but you didn’t like me from jump which is totally understandable for the way I have treated you in the past. My immaturity got in the way, and I messed up again. I am really sorry for making you feel worthless and miserable. This information may not fix what has happened between us, but I just really wanted to get this off of my chest. I really hope that you can forgive me.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say”

After hearing all of this, I honestly know how to react. Like should I be happy? Should I cry? Be angry at him? Like what should I do?

So, I ended up getting out of the bed and walked past him on his sofa so that I could go into the kitchen and throw my water bottle in his recycling trash.

While you were in the kitchen recycling Hyuk’s bottle, Hyuk had just finished his bottle of Jack Daniels. After hearing your confession to him, he really wanted to get another bottle in the kitchen. You finally finish sorting out his other bottles, so you start walking back to the bed, Hyuk was walking towards the kitchen to get himself another bottle. Without looking were you are both walking, you both bump into each other pretty hard, so hard that you tripped, and he caught you in his arms.

While still being in this awkward position, Hyuk would not let go of me. He was looking into my eyes and he was giving me the same look that he was giving me at the club. I honestly don’t know what it is about that look, but it drove me crazy. So crazy that I got closer to his face and kissed him on his lips. His lips were very plump but also tasted bitter because of him drinking the Jack Daniels earlier on. He kissed me back and out of nowhere we were making out in the middle of his studio apartment.

You and Hyuk both started to get carried away while making out and before you knew it your hands started to wander on his body. You started to unbutton his silk shirt, while he was taking off your jacket, your hands caressing his chest while he unzips your dress. Both just left in your underwear, Hyuk pushes you on the bed while still making out and says “we don’t have to do this Y/N. I’ll fuck you if you let me”. You nodded in agreement to what he said to you and you proceeded to let him do what you wanted him to do to you.

~ 8 hours later~

“Morning, Y/N”

“morning Yucky-“

“Okay, can you quit calling me Yucky Hyuky now? All of those rumours of me having STD’s and STI’s are fake. Same goes to the one about me having multiple babies by older or any woman at all.”

“I am so sorry, I’m just so used to calling you that. I didn’t mean to hurt you by that”

“its fine Y/N. Look, I’ve been thinking. Do you want to go out on a date with me? I want to make you my girlfriend”

“Yeah sure, I would love to go out on a date with you. “

I ended up going on a few dates with Hyuk and me and him ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend after 2 months of dating. I was ashamed of telling my friends because they all hated him and because of all of the things that he has done but because he became my boyfriend, I can’t hide him. I ended up telling my friends about everything and for some reason, they reacted more positively but it took them a few months to fully approve of Hyuk. Mine and Hyuk’s relationship improved throughout the months and my friends were always supportive of me too. Honestly, what on earth did I do to deserve this?

The end.

#dean #dea #deanfluenza #deanfluenza scenarios #boyfriend deanfluenza #deanfluenza imagines #deantrbl imagines #deantrbl scenarios #deantrbl #fanxychild #clubeskimo #club eskimo #fanxy child #khh #khiphop #khh scenarios #khh reactions #khiphop scenarios

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