#made this on a highly dysphoric day

[fenetfox]

trasgenr..

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna have a quick talk about Raine, and how horribly recent events might impact their mental state as a character.

SPOILERS FOR TOH S3 EP2, FOR THE FUTURE!!

From shortly after their introduction they had been in a precarious position opposite to Belos as they rebelled and risked their life while maintaining the guise of a loyal coven head. They had to pretend to be brainwashed for presumably months and neglect their relationship with Eda to keep her and her family safe.

Then, during the Day of Unity, they had to stand idly by while Eda essentially sacrificed herself, and the moment they took her place they themself were overtaken by the spell. And in the context of the series, it is only shortly after they nearly die from the draining spell that they are puppet-ified by the Collector.

Now we currently don't know the exact parameters of what happens to one's consciousness while in this 'puppet' state, wether they are in a sort of coma, or partially or fully conscious behind the blank faces. Due to the short scene with Hooty, it is presumed that they do retain some level of awareness, which I'm deciding to think of as similar to the Sunken Place from the movie Get Out (great film btw, highly reccomend watching for older fans).

So anyways, after ALL of this, they are posessed by Belos while in said puppet form, which is almost more uncomfortable than when Hunter was posessed because he was at least aware and able to fight back. Not only is Raine being posessed, but they have absolutely zero bodily autonomy at the moment and their body is a shell simply being manipulated by forces beyond their control.

It's chilling and I could only imagine the trauma they'd develop from having their body used in such a way.

I'd have to imagine also that to a trans person this would be significantly more harmful, as losing control of their body (to a hateful cis man no less) could be horrifically dysphoric in addition to the previously noted trauma of simply losing access to your own body.

I know this is a kid's show but I am worried to see their emotions surrounding this seeing how honest the show has been thus far about it's depictions and portrayal of trauma.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you made it this far and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this as well!

(PS- I made a comic related to this as well!)

[dykeulous]

Twilight is the absolute opposite of your exclusionist views she's the literal princess of bringing people together no matter who they are or identify as.

We are supposed to be brothers and sisters, why do you shun your own family?

twilight is the princess of friendship. twilight is inclusive, yes, but she also fights against discrimination, she fights against oppression, she fights against evil– and if necessary– she uses force, and she uses justified violence. that is not the reason i always found myself relating to twilight, both as a child & now– she is generally the character i can relate to the most, out of all shows i watched. that is because she puts other people’s (well, pony’s in her case, lol!) needs above her own, because she fears failure, because she used to think academics were #1 & is/was introverted (tbh i think she remained quite an introvert despite leaving her “friends are not important” past behind), because she has a figure of authority she looks very highly up to, because of her sassy & sarcastic nature in s1 & s2– and also because she is rumored to be autistic. which, well, as an autistic person, i definitely can see.

i do not “shun my own family”. i love trans people. but the difference between you & me (most probably), i also love all dysphoric people, even those who aren’t trans-identified, and i do not believe they have any less of a say. i also love detrans people, i don’t mock their experiences, i don’t laugh at them & say “haha that’s what you get for being a cissie who made a mistake haha!”. i love detrans people who healed their dysphoria, and i love detrans people who still are dysphoric. but, unlike you, i do not think “my family” is above criticism. unlike you, i do not believe “my family” should be able to do whatever they want without consequences. in fact, i think the whole shtick about “family” is cringe to hell & back, because “my family” excommunicated, or, well, disowned me. i still love all trans people dearly, but i will not consider the trans community “my family”, because the trans community treated me with utter disdain & hatred, made me afraid and paranoid to voice my own opinions & feelings, and never allowed me to question anything. the trans community generally seems to refuse to acknowledge the fact that dysphoria (can) be neurological, and i do believe that the largest reason as to why they are acting like this is exactly because they have severe neurological/mental health issues, and they think simply acknowledging this fact is discriminatory, bigoted, offensive, violent, whatever. instead of recognizing that they have a neurological problem, they want to beautify their illness, and they do that with engaging in neurosexism, creating “gender souls” & spiritualizing the hell out of their illness. this is unhealthy, and allows them to simply lay comfortable with both their illness & with the way the system is. a lot of people with mental illnesses romanticize their illnesses, and they do this as a coping mechanism– but the bigger problem here is that the trans community not only romanticizes dysphoria, they also make it out to be inherently progressive & inherently status quo-breaking; which could not be more wrong, especially given the fact that their ill way of thinking & behaving also causes them to act exactly against progressivism.

dysphoric people feel immense pain daily, a lot of dysphoric people spent years wondering & pondering questions such as, “why am i like this?”, “why am i in pain every day?”, and, instead of joining support networks & doing therapy (non-affirming or affirming, and also not only therapy regarding their dysphoria, as many trans people have problems with mental health besides dysphoria, and a lot of them tend to develop other mental health issues because of their dysphoria), they come up with such conclusions that make the most sense to them, and that they seem to like & be happy with the most– “i am literally born in the wrong body”, “i have the brain of the opposite sex”, or even the extreme, “i am actually, truly, really fe/male, i just produce the wrong hormones and have the wrong body type”. this is unhealthy, and not only do they internalize such unhealthy & harmful ways of thinking, they label anyone who does not bend to their will as bigoted & transphobic. they beg the law to bend to their will, as well, and so anyone who doesn’t conform to them will be a perpetrator of hate crime. transitioning, in this way, becomes not only one solution to dysphoria, it becomes the only solution & is presented as such– which harms dysphoric/trans people the most, and which is why detrans people have such a hard time readjusting. the trans community encourages black-and-white thinking & discourages critical thinking, outcasting their own members for daring have differing opinions.

i believe that i have the right to speak up about the ways this community, or how you call yourselves, “my family” has treated me, and many other dysphoric & trans people. i believe i have the right to bring awareness to it, and i believe my voice deserves to be heard. i don’t care how you personally feel, because facts will always be above feelings, and law should never be based on someone’s feelings. so, yes, i am aware that my beliefs & views will hurt some trans people on a personal level, but it is not my fault that they believe anyone who doesn’t conform to their “happy shiny milk and honey” ill way of thinking, is an evil bigoted transphobe. something hurting someone ≠ something being wrong, something hurting someone ≠ something being inherently discriminatory, bigoted, and derogatory. i will be willing to engage with the trans community again, only when it stops barking “traitor 🤬🤬” every time i do try to engage.

[cenobittten]

Ollie is one of the most tragic characters in Poppy Playtime - Theory

Yes, I said it. Ollie is one of the most tragic characters in Poppy Playtime, even above Poppy. And that’s because he isn’t the Prototype, he’s a traumatised toy with a desire for revenge. 

Let’s backtrack for a second.

I believe that Ollie is an unseen ally, as opposed to the double-crossing villain many believe him to be. Given that Poppy hates the Prototype, it would make no sense for her to work with Ollie or speak so highly of him if he was working with the Prototype. Her dialogue lends itself to the idea that she knows him personally. After all, she credits Ollie with finding the player character so unless he’s betraying Poppy, it makes more sense for him to be friendly.

But if he’s friendly, who is he? 

Judging by the voice we hear, the first conclusion we might leap to is that he is a child. After all, his voice sounds young and high pitched. However, this idea does not hold up to scrutiny. The last orphan would have entered sometime before the Hour of Joy 1995. At least 10 years have passed since that point meaning that any orphan old enough to survive the fall would have grown up to at least puberty by the time of the games.  

So how is Ollie alive? Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he has to be a toy. We know already that toys like Poppy can survive with no food or other sustenance, which means this tracks. (After all, Poppy was locked in a closet until the player character got there)

Some other evidence: It’s also possible that Ollie is the voice over character on the trailer for Project Playtime Forsaken phase. In this, the voice suggests they are just a ‘Wayward toy’.

However, why does Ollie sound like a child still? Well, the answer here relies on biology. Given the difference in size between a child and a typical non-BBI toy, it’s safe to say that not all organs are transferred during the toy creation process. Therefore, it’s possible that Ollie’s new body lacks the hormonal and pituitary systems required to trigger puberty and his voice lowering. 

So what makes him the most tragic character? Well, to figure that out, we have to consider the life he must have lived. After finding himself orphaned, Ollie was sent to live an isolated life in the Playcare facility. Living underground, he was deprived of sunlight and contact with the outside world and, via the Red Smoke, was subjected to horrific nightmares every night. Then one day he was selected for the experiments, likely experiencing incredibly painful and dysphoric symptoms as he adapted to his new body. He began life as a toy, aging and gaining experience but his vocabulary stilted by his lack of exposure to the outside world. Yet, that wasn’t the end of his troubles. Just when you thought things couldn’t get anymore nightmarish, the Hour of Joy came. The toys rebelled, vanquishing the humans who controlled them. Yet the joy was short lived. The factory descended into chaos, with many toys turning on each other as food became more scarce. Over time, many of the toys let their feral instincts take over, becoming beast-like predators with little semblance of humanity left.

But not Ollie.

Ollie managed to resist the urge to let his hunger take reign, instead searching the factory to find other souls who, like him, wanted to get revenge on the prototype and those who made him what he was. He joined the resistance, teaming up with Poppy and Kissy to seek out one of - if not the only - living employees left to enact their plans. And then, I suspect he worked within the security office watching the cameras, helping the protagonist to make his way through the factory. 

So, if Ollie is a toy, he’s a freaking badass one. 

[essayofthoughts]

interesting! without spoiling anything, are you thinking of the possibility of restoring tiefling!percy to his original form?

I've been talking with @blorbologist about that a lot! Because the thing is, I don't think Percy would ever be anything but horribly dysphoric about a body he was forcibly changed to and that he does not identify with. A body which inherently and permanently marks one of the worst mistakes he believes he ever made and which he cannot escape. I think he has days that are easier to bear than others, but I don't think he ever really thinks of his horns or tail or claws or fangs as his - they're always the horns or the tail or the claws or the fangs, always held at a remove.

And that kind of means his entire life sucks if he isn't able to change back!

Now, until Caleb comes up with the spell to help Nott/Veth I don't think there really is anything that'd do that permanently aside from Wish and given Percy's distrust of magic at the best of times, let alone something that phenomenally powerful being cast by Scanlan... I am inclined to say he is hesitant to say the least.

Not to mention the fact that, as a member of Vox Machina and a member of the leading council of Whitestone he is a well-known and prominent tiefling. He is an example against bigotry towards tieflings and likely a source of hope for some! And Percy is noble; as he says after Scanlan leaves, none of them are solely their own people - they are inherently tied to those around them and expectations. The presence of the public eye has a hugely limiting effect on what is acceptable for him to do.

He could change himself back once the spell is available - but what would that mean for and imply to those tieflings who've looked up to him as a prominent, positive role model? If he'd turn himself human again? The implicit suggestion that he has always been ashamed of himself and that, if he was, they should be too. That question he has to weigh - is his comfort worth the negative effect it'd have on uncounted people? And Percy doesn't think highly of himself as an individual. He thinks plenty of himself as a de Rolo, as a member of Vox Machina, but he also kind of hates himself a lot, and likely even more in this AU? Why would he believe he deserves something kind and good when as he is he can help so many others?

So I think if he does change himself back to human it is at the urging of Vex and his children - especially his tiefling children - and not so much himself. I think he dabbles in the idea a little, using Alter Self coins from Tary (which would likely startle the hell out of Vex the first time) - but again, I think he'd be very hesitant to do that once he and Vex have children, because what kind of message is he sending to any tiefling children of his if he chooses to take human form sometimes? If he rejects being a tiefling like that? I think that's a conversation he has to have with each of them at some point (and maybe I've been noodling with a lil fic chunk for that maybe).

But yeah. I'm not decided yet on if he does turn back to human but I'm very sure that he wants to and has complicated feelings about whether he's 'allowed' to.

[house-of-slayterr]

Is it werid to want to default to my first chosen name. Like I really really love Frances, but everyone so used to Finely now and I feel awkward changing it, cause I don’t want them to think I’m just constantly changing my name.

It was between Finley and Frances when I first chose Finley. But something about it doesn’t feel right anymore. I still let people call me Fin/Finn because (Frances Newton) FN, FIN. And any variation of that, because I still like it. And very few people called me by my full name in the first place.

But I think I’ve grown so used to hearing it, and really only you guys call me Frances so I’ve only heard it written out. So it doesn’t feel real and solidified yet. But my dick of a mother only ever used Finely when she wanted to manipulate me. And everyone kept saying it was a “pretty name for a girl” which at the time made me hella dysphoric.

I guess I’m just asking if this is the right thing. Like I know it’s ultimately my choice, lol. But I feel like Frances is properly neutral. I picked it after two of my favorite characters of all time, one male, one female. My dad says he doesn’t care if I change my last name (I’m just sick of people not knowing how to spell or pronounce it lol. It gets tiring when you go to 6 doctors offices a day and none of them can get it right, then you don’t get your meds in time cause they spelled it wrong)

Is Frances Darling too theatrical? Should I pick a more standard last name? I just want something that’s ultimately me. And I don’t think I’m boring lol, at least I try not to be. So what do you guys think? Obviously I’m still Fang, lol that’s then nickname for Frances cause Fran felt weird.

I dont know i need guidance and your guys opinions matter very highly to me. Because I love you all! And you’re my best support system’ ❤️

[bunn-iiii]

hi hello i do not follow you but i saw your post about feeling bad abt writing a trans male reader or something. i think you should accept other people's request only if you want to do it..... writing outside of your own comfort is only going to make you feel bad! there's nothing wrong with rejecting a request because it makes you uncomfortable <:) pls have a nice day and stay safe

thank you so much nice anon, I ended up writing the request but made it really short. I am a trans masc myself and usually I don't really have a problem with writing trans masc y/n but they had specifically asked for a highly gender dysphoric reader with a lot of physical descriptions (skinny, big butt, long hair, etc.) which made me extremely uncomfortable. I did draw the line at the physical descriptions though and didn't write them. I appreciate your kind words though /gen I hope you have a nice day too :]

[talesalexandria]

Staying Kinky with Kink Trauma

Strong trigger warning: mentions of emotional/physical abuse from family, immature (non-sexual, consensual) incestuous BDSM, homophobia, transphobia, emotional bullying, immature exposure to porn/sex, sex-negativity, immature (non-sexual, consensual) homosexual BDSM, and eating disorders/forced feeding. Reader discretion is HIGHLY advised.

Hello to my friends and readers,

This is not a pleasant journal entry in any way, so please be warned once again since you’ve read past the trigger warning. If you want to keep reading, please buckle up and hold onto your blunts because this is going to be a rough ride into dysphoric/abusive parts of my past that have been brought up when trying to approach what I thought was a safe kink space. If you want to know why I’m sharing all this, understand now (if you haven’t already) that my personal story and my novels aren’t sex-crazy erotica devoid of trauma, abuse, and strong emotions. If you want to read my novels, understand I’ve used them to deal with the abuse I’ve faced and these themes will be reflected throughout the narrative.

My first exposure to non-consensual BDSM was my mother spanking me or even belt whipping me when I (or my sister) misbehaved from two to maybe six years old; these are also some of the most vivid memories I have of my mother. The abuse hardly ended after that, though, and I can clearly remember threats meant to keep me in line and some queries if “I was thankful she didn’t use the belt anymore” growing up.

The first time I consensually practiced BDSM was when I was around four. My sister (N, she/her) and I played a game that started out as ”cops and robbers” (child-proof handcuffs and jump rope were my tools of choice) which devolved into me just tying her up in various ways (sometimes outdoors or even in our front yard, devolving further into exhibitionism). We played these games for a few years but (thankfully) stopped long before either of us understood what kink or (especially) sex was.

I should mention now that even in preschool I was starting to show signs of being feminine/effeminate, despite a great deal of external effort (mostly familial but peers shouldn’t be discounted) to suppress that and keep me “masc.” The most vivid sign is being on the wrong/girls side of the “which pop is better: Britney Spears or Backstreet Boys” class argument, which I believe sparked the bullying I received through pre/elementary school and killed my interest in most music genres I considered “girly” for decades. I was an outcast with the boys, weird to the girls, and the pick of choice to the class bully for eight years before I begged to leave before my last year after N graduated (arguably a worse choice, as middle school was even more abusive; I got to choose between two equally oppressive schools, a lose-lose situation).

The next time I practiced bondage and the first time I experienced homosexual (technically speaking straight knowing I was girl all along) feelings was in middle school, where I went to an all boys catholic school. I was cut off from all feminine figures, including N who was a grade above me in the same pre/elementary school. In the midst of an enormous amount of ostracization and non-physical bullying (so as not to alarm the faculty) that started day one, I made a few friends second semester and a few more second year; after I got exposed to pornography by several students that got through the school’s internet filter or just talked very openly around my absorbent “I need to understand the sex that’s not my assigned” brain. I thankfully bullshitted my way out of a dicey situation because of my parent’s tech illiteracy when my mom caught me looking at porn, but she never stopped looking over my shoulder and was especially harsh about suppressing any sexual interests I expressed afterwards. I still never got a “bird and the bees” conversation from either of my parents, though. From what my mother bitched to me about her divorce from my father years later, I think I actually knew more than both of them about consensual sex at that point.

Three of my friends I question if I had feeling for, as they are three of the only “masc” people (mildly effeminate like myself at the time) I’ve made an emotional/intellectual connection with (the only other was a foreign friend in elementary school whose company I adored and was a welcome reprieve from the bullying, but he left quickly and well before I was mature enough to understand my feelings). One was my first friend (M, he/him) my counselor finally introduced me to, while the other two were a foreign pair of brothers (B, he/him, and his younger brother, C, he/him) I met in my second year.

M and I have a long and complex history: we made “joking” passes/flirts at each other (including some physical contact), he dated N in highschool and college (their breakup was more unpleasant than their relationship; M and I were roomates in the college dorms), and I “slept” with his then girlfriend (they had an open relationship) but couldn’t openly talk about it with either of them because I lived with N at the time and only saw them with her.

My relationship with B and C was a little simpler: they were both more sex/kink-positive because of their upbringing and helped me understand that my growing interests were healthy. What was less simple was that comfort brought about the three of us practicing bondage on each other. It was all for the sake of practice or the fun of it, but it no less increased my affections towards them and made it hurt more when they left.

High school was less eventful as I begged to go to a local public school (the bullies actually had different priorities and there was some LGBT+ acceptance, which I didn’t feel comfortable approaching). My “friends” abused my physical boundaries, though, and caused a lot of physical triggers I still have today. My home life was much less eventful: my parents announced between freshman and sophomore year that they were divorcing (not actually separating until my sister left for college my senior year) while I became the battleground for my parents’ (previously absent) affections. My mom confided in me they almost aborted N, how horrible her sex life with my dad was, finally “joked” that I was an accident and only took it back when she saw my reaction (I fully believe it after everything else my parents confided in me), and tried to ignore all the yelling/”passive aggression”/spanking/”belt whipping” (or threats to do so) she’d done before or continued to do; my dad was just as bad even if he wasn’t physical with his abuse. When I got together with my first girlfriend senior year, both my parents (ESPECIALLY my mom) were careful to watch our private habits and make sure we weren’t getting sexual (despite my gf being strictly catholic/chaste and ignoring/attacking any sexual advances after we were both were legal).

If you're wondering where the eating disorder part of my trigger warning comes in, my parents (along with ignoring/punishing any signs that I was effeminate/transfem/lesbian) ignored any food preferences I had. As late as 20 when I visited my mom in college, I was forced to eat foods that made me nauseous; my dad never cared or learned (which made it a little easier to pick around the stuff I didn’t like), but my mom intentionally pushed these boundaries. My most vivid memory was the last time my mother pushed this boundary: she put raw onions in my breakfast and explicitly said it didn’t have any; I threw up chewing the first bite and my mom finally got a little less invasive in putting some ingredients I hate in my food. It didn’t matter what my boundary was, though; they always pushed it to make me “right” in their eyes, and this gets reflected through MANY of my characters.

This all culminates in my college graduation; N and I shared an apartment for three years and we graduated together because she got held back for a year. I was tasked to hide N’s graduation present and my mother went looking for it the day of our graduation. Instead of asking where it was and finding it, she searched my closet, finally finding my kink stash which was less obviously hidden than the gift. There was a lot of rope, numerous sex toys, many implements, condoms, and “a funnel” that “forced” my mother to confide in my sister: was I gay or a rapist? After a very awkward conversation with N (reluctantly bringing up our “cops and robbers” games and other kink references in pop-culture we knew) my mother never brought it up again.

When I finally realized I was a transgender woman and a lesbian at 29, I only kept it from N for a few months before finally felt comfortable confiding in her. Her reaction was visceral, though, as she wasn’t the first person I told and she didn’t know how to process her “brother” becoming her sister, despite all the signs I tried to point out. I eventually came out to my mother (as my relationship with my father was absolutely wrecked a few years before) but she mourned the loss of “her son” and hardly made my sister change her ways. To this day, N is still the only one I’ve spoken to who’s been outright transphobic at every turn, even after several attempts to reach out, and I’m too afraid to really talk to any of my family after my “most accepting family member” keeps outright rejecting me.

It’s been over a year before I’ve spoken to any member of my birth/blood family and, if I’m being honest, it’s been the most accepting year of my life, despite all the hardships.

My past is filled with abuse (all less apparent compared to more explicit/”visibly physical” abuse), which is strongly reflected in my characters and their journeys. Extreme spoilers (even for those who’ve read my story through Chapter 14: The Sinful Tormentor) and know about Saoirse’s abuse from her father, but after Elva has her flashback in Chapter 11: Hellfire, Saoirse vomits/purges because of the intense fear she tastes when coming out of the memory of Elva’s grandmother being murdered and the abuse that came after. Saoirse is reminded of the fearful energy her father forced her to eat during her upbringing torturing rapists (per the traditional image of Hell I evoke), reflecting my own food issues from being forced to eat “normal” foods. Spoilers for Chapter 14, Saoirse’s encounter with her father was directly influenced by my coming out to my sister.

There’s more nuance than I can possibly explain in my writing (which only worsens the more I learn my own past relates to the narrative I’ve created); I only hope I can touch people enough that they can recognize the healthy/unhealthy behaviors I write about and keep it from perpetrating into their own lives. For your own sake, please only tolerate people who add benefit to your life; from my own experience, letting/keeping abusive or boundary-stomping figures have a say in your life will only hurt you, most especially in the long run when you try and process all they’ve done to you. Saying this, doing this, and processing the emotions that come with it are all completely different tasks with their own challenges, so please don’t get discouraged if you struggle like I do.

Take care of yourself, and if you follow my story, understand there’s pain to come but joy/acceptance as well.

With love, Alexandria

[babbling-idiot]

Herbert West Headcanons

Requested: “Do you think you could do Herbert west x a trans man reader, and like the reader is super dysphoric and Herbert comforts him? If not feel free to ignore that's totally cool :-)” -By Anon

Warning: Dysphoria, if you don’t like talking or hearing about it then please skip this

(Hello! I hope you like this.)

Herbert is not one too keen on emotion or showing them in any way

Now he understands that being in a relationship is one of the things that emotions need to be present

But for him it's very hard, but...

He is kind of sort of emotionally present for you in a way

Now him not being very present in that way he does pick up a lot of other people's emotions

So, when he starts to notice the down look, you are expressing or when he enters a room you seem to force a smile, or when you think he's not paying attention and your smile will droop and your eyes will sadden

So, after a couple of day of this, he finally becomes worried in his own Herbert kind of way

He does become straightforward and goes into "doctor mode"

He sits down next to you or in front of you and will ask you questions

"are you okay?"

"Do you feel alright?"

"What happened on this or that day that is making you feel this way?"

Finally, though you do tell him that you feel as though your in the wrong body

He would ask for clarification

You'd go on

How you feel like your voice should be way different

How even though you've come so far in your journey that you feel like you've barley made progress

How you feel uncomfortable being in your own body sometimes

Though Herbert does not have these feelings he will sit with you for however long you need him to

He will even give up his day in the basement to make sure you are feeling better

He will even hold you close and be all "lovey dovey" even though he hates ut

He does break out of his hardened shell for a moment though

"If there is one thing, I have grown to understand about you is that, you are one of the bravest men I know. Yes Dan is acceptable, but he will never be better than you. You are one of the most handsome men I have ever laid my eyes on and I am lucky to call you mine. And if you want to change yourself in any way then we can do that. Anything is possible. You deserve happiness y/n, you deserve the world."

After hearing this and how honest he sounded and how his voice did crack and he tried to hide it, through that you understood he felt this way

Even if that didn't lift your spirits right away he would still sit with you for however long you needed him

A few hours? Sure. A day or two? Why not. A week? What does he have to lose right? He would much rather lose a weeks progress of work than lose you forever

(Hello again! I hope you liked this and if you did any kind of feedback is highly appreciated. I hope you have a wonderful day/night and please be safe in the world!)

[werevulvi]

I've recognized lately that I've gotten so detached from womanhood since transitioning. Whenever I try to engage in conversations about "women's issues" I feel so detached from a lot of them. Like female only spaces, and female social cues. I can't even list examples because I've forgotten what they are.

It's strange because the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to understand why I often don't feel comfortable in groups of only women. Individual women and mixed spaces, that's totally fine, as well as groups of only men, and individual men, but entire groups of only women? I feel estranged and have no idea how to navigate it. Because I don't understand and cannot act upon female social cues. Most of the female socialization I got as a kid, I actively resisted, and then trained away as an adult, and tried hard to learn male socialization stuff, both as a survival tactic and because of my dysphoria.

Gendered socialization is malluable traits. Kinda like how you can lose a language you learned as a child if you stop speaking it, and you can learn new languages.

It's not that I don't care about women's issues, I do. It's that I have trouble relating to that of those which pertain to socialization, as well as the body stuff which no longer applies to me as a result of my physical transition. Mammograms, unwanted facial hair, bras, the male gaze, street harassment, etc. Even menstruation is something I can only relate to during times I'm off the hormones.

This has made me adopt a crude, near animalistic view of my own womanhood. As the only things that I feel truly apply to me are vagina, vulva, uterus, cramps, female fertility, wide hips, sometimes periods, my hopes of carrying my own child someday, etc, and how these things still make me vulnerable to misogyny, sexual abuse, medical abuse, and so on. All of that still matters of course, but they are highly sensitive topics that I think not even most feminist want to converse about light heartedly. It's perhaps easier to talk about male violence in the streets or in the workplace, than male violence in the bedroom. I can understand that.

I know I still have trouble with labels, but it is for entirely social reasons. I get treated differently depending on how I label myself, and I'm not satisfied with either reaction. How I simply feel about myself, away from society, is that I'm a woman, because that's how I relate to my body. I see it from a lens of it being female, no matter how far I transition. And this is a positive feeling. It's a feeling of stability and safety, in that what I am isn't going to change or get snatched away from me, no matter how I look, how I'm perceived, however dysphoric I am, how much testosterone I shoot up my gluteus maximus, or how language and social norms may change. Something which merely is what it is, and this brings me comfort.

The kinship I feel with men still matters to me as well though, if not more. To be their equal as well as their opposite. This matters to my individuality, my personality, but is also in regards to how I relate to my sex. I tend to say lately that although I'm comfortable with being female, it really needs to be the specific kinda female that I've turned myself into. Not an unobtainable goal, but the goal that I have actually obtained, and which demonstrably differentiates me from the average woman.

I could never be comfortable being an intact female. I'm not friends with estrogen. And estrogen is biology, not social norms of femininity and masculinity. You can call estrogen masculine and strong all day if you want, it doesn't change what I feel about the actual physical and psychological effects of that hormone. That is my biggest problem with my sex, which I remedy by taking testosterone. Simple enough.

But then, what if it was possible to turn myself into a bio male? Well, first off, that's not possible, and I don't find it fruitful to entertain impossible ideas, but if it was possible, yes, I think I'd be more at peace then, generally. But because it's not possible, I can't think of myself as a man. I just can't wire my mind that way. For as long as I'm stuck being female, I'd rather make the most of it, try my hardest to love it in any way I can, mixing testosterone with radical acceptance.

And somewhere along that road, I found that it is possible for me to enjoy a few aspects of being female. I latched onto those aspects and bred and nurtured those feelings to grow larger. I chose to focus on what little I can enjoy about being female, without forcing myself to like what I hate about it. And in that grew a positive feeling to calling myself a woman.

So, my being a woman is not like I'm just suddenly "cis" and genuinely enjoy being female as a whole, as in something I'd choose to stay as in an ideal world where sex change was possible. It's a cope with a reality I cannot change. It truly does not matter what I'd do if a real sex change was possible, simply because that is not possible. What matters is what I'd ideally do with what is factually possible, right here and now.

And that kinda goes for sexism too. I can't hang my life choices up on what I'd do if sexism didn't exist. That's just as foolish as hanging my life choices up on what I'd do if sex change was real. Which is why I don't think it's bad to transition as a cope for sexism. Because sexism isn't going to disappear. At least not in our lifetime. So we might as well find ways to live with it. (Yes, we can strive for society to change too, of course.)

Because... if I could magically turn myself into a flying dragon, I'd probably jump on that opportunity too and then identify as a dragon. But it makes no sense why that should mean I'm "actually a dragon" in reality. Because it's not possible to transform into an actual dragon, no matter how badly I could wish that was the case. Idealistic identities make no sense to me. I'm a female in reality, as much as I'm a human, and there is nothing to change that. Then being a female man just makes no sense to me. A female is a woman.

Thing is that I'm not going to succumb to an idea of me "as a man" when it's physically impossible for me to change my sex to male for real. That's just painful. It's so painful that I have to push that thought out of my mind and never fully engage with it, because holding on to wanting something you can't have just feels like self-harm at this point. If it ever becomes possible thpugh, then we can have a discussion about it!

But back to reality. In reality my only options are to either 1) detransition and be a try-hard normie woman, 2) continue transition and be a freaky, bearded, masculine woman and embrace being "not like other girls" with that, 3) continue transition and pretend like that somehow makes me a man when it never felt like it, 4) abandon reality altogether and call myself nonbinary.

I'd rather fight myself through some aspects of my dysphoria to see the silver lining and hold onto it, no matter how much my ways of doing so my grate at other people. For example, I can only really like my genitals if I view them as purely sexual. Not as a hole (or two) for men to fill, but as bundles of delicate nerves meant to give me pleasure, whether in consensual company with others or entirely on my own.

Some clearly don't like viewing vaginas/vulvas as sexual organs, which is fine. If you'd rather focus on the fertility aspect, you do you. But it's important to me personally to first and foremost view my genitals as sexual, because I need to get away from the sexist idea that I'm just a baby-making machine for being female. I need for my genitals to not primarily be about fertility. I appreciate that aspect too, I do, but just not primarily.

And that is like... when other women tell me I cope in the wrong way, I get testy. Then we're not building any bridges with the "lost sisters" of the ftm community. Then we're being nitpicky about what "should" be good things about being a woman. Same with nagging about how medical transition is a kind of self-harm. It can be... but so can drinking water, if you do it badly, drink bad water, or have an allergy.

That's burning bridges that the rare few us gender critical ftm's try to build with women. Those of us who want a connection. We are going to need for that connection to be on our terms, not yours. Because we are the ones having significant trouble connecting with our sex to begin with.

I can't speak for others, but for me, that is a very delicate and sensitive process. It feels like something akin to accepting a terminal illness, and finding positive things about it, just to not get stuck in a mindset of complete and utter misery because you were dealt shit cards in life.

So while I can appreciate being a woman, it is still and probably always will be to a infinitesmally small extent and has to be on my terms. I need it to not fully succumb to the tragedy and misery of (seemingly) incurable dysphoria, but only to a certain extent. I'm probably never going to be what you want for me to be. I'm probably always going to be a little bit problematic in my man-envy, lack of understanding for female only bathrooms, and hatred of estrogen, and have moments where I say something insensitive about the female body. Because having a female body is always going to be at least a little bit of a battleground for me.

Furthermore, I'm probably never going to wanna center women in my life. I'm attracted to men and a hopeless romantic with a big appetite for sex, and I enjoy being "one of the guys" even if it is as a gnc woman. And the more I live, the more I realize that it's what I do that matters more to me, than what I am. I don't like being judged for what I am, only for what I do. Doing things considered masculine, bonding with men, living among men as though I was one of them, grooming my beard, playfighting, taking my body to its masculine potential, as well as completely non-gendered activities like writing my book, making art and petting cute cats. Simply enjoying life by doing what I enjoy, matters more to me than being a man, or woman.

I don't want my sex to matter so much. It matters to sex/dating and medical stuff, which is fine, but I don't want it to matter for anything else. Like in my friendships, family, hobbies, etc. For all that other stuff, I want for my masculinity to matter more, how I am as a person and what I like and dislike.

Mostly... I think I only really enjoy being a woman in the bedroom, in the private with a male lover I can trust and relax with. Because that's the only time I want my genitals to be involved. And I don't mean in a "play a woman role" kinda way with submission, femininity, lingerie, piv sex, or what have you. Sure, it can include that but it sure as hell also includes domination, masculinity, pegging and all sorts of other things too, which is kinda irrelevant.

No, I mean just me and my uncovered body with someone I trust to be that vulnerable with, and doing whatever the fuck we enjoy and get pleasure from. Because that is the only thing that truly makes me feel whole and connected with my body. That's the only time all my sex and gender stars and planets align in a perfect eclipse. That's "gender euphoria" god damn it.

I don't mean to go all AGP on you. I really have no desire to go swinging my "boypussy" around or in any other way be a creep, like the "girldicks" of the internet do. No, I'm only talking about consensual stuff with trusting (and preferably loving) adults, in the privacy of my own (or his) home.

And I bring this up because knowing this is the heart and center of my womanhood, it makes me apprehensive to bring it up publically, literally because I don't wanna be a creep, which is probably a big reason why I may seem more disconnected from my sex than I actually am.

Because behind those closed doors, I don't even think about me being trans or different from women in general, or similar to them. Then I just exist as a complete entity that just so happens to be of the female sex. But I can't be that, nor show that, in any other aspect of life. Because no other aspect of being a woman feels good to me. But that that one aspect truly speaks to me and feel absolutely amazing, I think is so important that it is in fact crucial.

Because... the first and foremost reason people are either male or female is for reproduction, and thus... sex. Which is why I feel like all the other shit, social shit, tacked onto bio sex, including hanging out with other women just because we're all women and somehow are supposed to be able to get along solely because of that, is uncomfortable and ultimately pointless distractions. Nature's purpose of my sex is the only thing I like it for, but that is a giant thing to like your sex for.

But would I then prefer if I could reproduce as a male? No. Actually no. I just prefer all the other things about being male. The genital configuration, what sex would be like, what I'd look like, all the secondary functions of sex, the male hormones, etc. And why is that? Simple. I just don't want for 99% of my body to be designed around what I do 1% of my life. I'm a woman only in the bedroom because that's the only place being a woman has a purpose.

[thecandlesticksfromlesmis]

Hi Eli!!

ok I really hope this sounds like it did in my head---

I'm listening to 2am for umpteenth time, going to bed, getting up in night to get my f*cling medicine, taking a crowded bus and brushing my teeth

This may indicate that I'm freak, but really — (I hope you don't feel uncomfortable or dysphoric about this!!) I love your calm voice.

I know that this song was a form of joke recording for les mis, but even a ballad about grilled cheese sounds otherworldly in your rendition. Will you be considering creating anything else in this climate?

have a wonderful day 💙

Anon, you have no idea how much I appreciate this message. It made me tear up a little actually. I know I'm not the best singer and that I have absolutely no training in songwriting or composition, but the song was fun to make. So to hear that it's fun to listen to on your end makes me really happy. And this is a kind reminder to be nicer to my voice, and that it doesn't sound horrible to everyone.

I'll be making more songs. Maybe the next one will be about the 35 ounce barrel of cheese puffs I bought the other day cause I was sad. Unexpectedly, they turned the day around. Highly recommend this purchase.

Thanks for this message 💙

[roxzania]

Chest Binders

This is for people who are thinking about getting a chest binder, just got one and are unsure, or people who have had one and just like to hear about this stuff.

| My DNI List | (mobile version) |

The Basics: - Don't bind with tape, bandages, and wraps. Use only edited camisoles/tank-tops that are not going to be tight and are comfortable (which doesn't give the same effect, but is a safe option until a chest binder is available). But it's most recommended to get a binder from a good company that knows what they're doing and has a good reputation. - Don't bind while you sleep and avoid doing so while working out. I personally recommend less than 8 hours, some people can do up to 12. But that can be risky and you should give a few days rest after a long binding session. Don't bind every day (if your doing often, set up at least 3 days of rest), give yourself a break because there are effects for certain types of usage. - Make sure to get the right fit, never round down when it comes to measurements. Also, read a little bit to get an idea of the size accuracy of the binders. More detailed info and stuff here.

That's some important information! But there is some stuff I do wanna talk about, particularly from my own experience. Now, my experience is obviously different from some people's and that needs to be understood from the beginning. Cause every body is different and everyone has a different goal for their physical appearance.

A little background; I'm genderfluid and I mostly lean towards a non-binary and sometimes a feminine appearance. So, I don't wear a binder often unless I really feel like it. But typically, I wear it only when I want to go out or feel dysphoric. I got my binder from gc2b about a year and a half ago (don't remember exactly). Overall, I loved having one of such great quality. The only problem is my body size. I'm on the bigger size (chubby) and I don't mind, but it is hard to find the perfect size when it comes to clothing. When you're purchasing a binder, you must measure with a measuring tape so you know the measurements you should be looking for. Most sites should provide the measurement ranges for different sections that are relevant to the binder! Thankfully, gc2b offers large sizes and I was able to find the perfect size that wasn't tight. But... with being a measurement range there is a possibility that a binder may seem "a little big", especially if you're on the lower range of the measurement range they provide for each size. Of course, no one really talks about that so I'm going to talk about that.

I was just barely above the measurement range for the size below the one I ended up getting. When I got my binder, it remained me more of a crop-top shirt. But I knew if I went smaller I wouldn't have fit in it. I was between it fitting and being loose, which felt a little weird and it did make me feel a little down at first since I was really hoping to get the flat effect. So this experience I found no one really ever talked about. And I feel like it should be discussed a little more since it does happen to some people. And it was kinda hard to figure out what to do to fix this little problem I was having. The first solution I saw was editing or "hemming" the binder. Basically to make it less loose to fit more, however, my main concern with that was "what if that accidentally made it tight". Because all it needed was a small edit and sometimes small edits go further than intended. Plus, that kind of editing takes a skill that no one I knew (and felt comfortable talking about this with), knew how to do this type of thing. So, that solution is helpful for some but what about the others? As someone who has minimal sewing skills, I had to find something else. The last solution that would actually work, was taking a thin similar-in-length shirt/bra (without wires or compression material) and wear it underneath the binder. I adore loose and lightweight clothing and this kind of helped with the rough material of the binder too! It was just enough addition to make the binder fit perfectly, it was soooo perfect! It made the flat effect better and I no longer had scratch material right on top of my skin. I highly recommend these two solutions if you're dealing with an in-between sizes problem like I did. The simple non-editing one especially, since you don't need to edit the binder in case you gain weight or are still growing. It also helps with rough material if you're sensitive to that. Just make sure to not wear any compression material underneath, binders are already made of compression material. Doubling compression material does not make the effect better and can be very risky.

If you haven't bought a binder yet or plan to get another and had the same problem; maybe try cross-referencing size charts to limit this in-between sizes mess from happening. I would have done this if I had known this could happen, but I will do this in the future for when I need a new binder -Roxzania💙

[wolf-zer0]

Ya want some WORLD-BUILDING????

Have some world-building!

*REMINDER* This is based on characters, not real people.  I’m not going to be writing any shipping/smut content, especially involving minors.  Please be respectful of content creators’ boundaries!

The Crystallos Empire (AKA the Antarctic Empire)

Largest the countries (takes up most of the southern half of the map) but agreed to stop expansion after a bloody battle with Valeriana 

Centered on a large snowy mountain in the middle of the tundra 

Mostly stays out of other countries’ business, but will step in as a last resort 

Has some of the most well-known citizens in the world because… they’re pure chaos 

Attack at your own peril 

Has vast deposits of ores and gemstones, and the metalwork from Crystallos (mainly weaponry, armor, and jewelry) is highly sought after 

The only known food export is potatoes.  Wonder why… 

Associated Colors: Royal blue, light blue, crimson, gold 

Aesthetic/Vibes: gothic vibes, white stone and large stain glass windows, not particularly opulent or extravagant but still impressively royal looking, think catholic cathedral but brighter and with less Jesus (can you tell I’m a recovering catholic yet?), spires shooting into the sky that’s visible even during a blizzard, cavernous halls full of sunlight and echoes, snow that can comfort and kill in equal measure

Notable Members:

Philza Minecraft:

Angel

Visible wings look like a harpy eagle

Probably the most powerful person in the world

Didn’t mean to start an empire it kinda just happened

Also didn’t mean to adopt kids but his Dadza alarm went off

Usually kind but will not hesitate to use violence when necessary

Technoblade: 

Is pig.  

With braid.  

At least 8 feet all

Extremely adept fighter, skilled in almost every form of combat.  

Not a people pig, prefers his potato farm to being a prince

Hella protective of his family but will not hesitate to bully when given the opportunity

Wilbur Soot: 

Muse who can influence people through song

Can’t totally control people (yet) but can subtly push them in a certain direction

The public face of the imperial family

Would rather insult than fight but can and will cut a bitch if he needs to

Because inspiration is fickle he’ll have some … strange episodes (see: the Sand Incident)

Tommy Innit: 

Child.  

Chaos incarnate.

Is he human?  Is he not?  No one’s sure yet.  

But he’s a gremlin and a hellion and willing to throw down at any moment.  

Has a surprisingly caring side, but no one outside his immediate circle has ever really seen it.  

The Kingdom of Valeriana (aka Dream SMP)

Oldest of the countries 

Located in the middle of a massive forest at the center of the main continent 

Home of the Fae Courts

Ruled by a single king who is chosen by a tournament held every 100 years 

Known for causing chaos in other countries, but after an Incident with Crystallos they have kept their meddling to annoyances rather than outright declarations of war 

Considered the most magical of all the countries, and traditional enchantments almost all come from Valeriana 

Associated Colors: neon green (duh), bright yellow, forest green, light brown, blood red (more saturated than Crystallos), rose gold 

Aesthetic/Vibes: spooky art nouveau (idk what else to call it), lots of plants and nature but with an edge of danger, poison gardens and carnivorous plants, hedge mazes that lead everywhere and nowhere, laughter deep in the forest, deer with eyes just a hair too human, Alice in Wonderland on steroids 

Notable Members: 

Dream: 

Current king of the Fae

As long as he’s touching the ground, he knows where everything and everyone is

Can terraform

Unlimited in the boundaries of his kingdom

Much more limited outside of his realm

No one has ever seen what he really looks like, even before he took the throne

Since people outside the kingdom don’t know who he is, he’ll wander the outside world and challenge random people to fights

Never says what happens to the losers

Only one person has ever beaten him: Technoblade

He might have a lil obsession around Techno, but it’s fine.  

A little competition is healthy.

Sapnap:  

High Lord of the Summer Court

Dream’s right hand man

Likes fire a little too much probably

George: 

Human that Dream took a liking too and yoinked from the mortal world

Dream and Sapnap made him immortal but he hasn’t realized it yet.  

Skeppy: 

Changeling who started growing diamond-like scales across his body

Is vaguely allied with Dream simply because he’s Fae, but is more loyal to BBH

Like a lot of other Fae, likes to make challenges but he makes them less deadly.  Not totally safe, just less deadly.

Badboyhalo: 

Demon who was kicked out of hell because he was too nice

Found Skeppy in the Overworld and the rest is history

Cursed by the Demon King that the moment he says a swear word, the entire world would end, but can never tell anyone that he is cursed

The Merchant’s Guild

Not quite a country, more of a international power 

Oversees the largest and most important businesses in the world 

Makes sure that no laws are broken between different countries and everyone gets a fair shake 

Has a very large reach, so some members have dabbled in espionage for various groups 

From the outside it looks like the whole thing is kept together with duct tape and hope, but its actually pretty functional

The main members are just… a lot. 

More concerned with keeping things working than influencing other nations (although there are still jokes about it) 

The most valuable thing they trade in is information

They have a lot of fingers in a lot of pots, but are trusted with their information 

Associated Colors: dark blue, teal, deep yellow, burnt orange, copper

Aesthetic/Vibes: art deco babie, angles and lines, very modern and streamlined, sleek suits instead of armor or robes, whiskey in a crystal glass, wars won by words not weapons, knowing when someone’s lying without them saying a word

Notable Members:

Schlatt: 

Ram-man with a plan

Not that bad of a dude, but is in a position where he is constantly in possession of highly sensitive information and that does things to someone’s mental state

Drinks pretty regularly but not a full blown alcoholic

Trying his best

Can be a snarky asshole sometimes

Quackity: 

Lucky duck.  literally.  

Duck man with an uncanny ability to absorb good luck from people (typically Fundy) and apply it to himself

No one knows when or why he joined the guild, but now he’s there

Pretty damn smart, but hides it behind humor

Fundy: 

FOX!  

With BEANS!

Trying his goddamn best but life (and Quackity) make it very difficult

Usually is stuck with the shit end of the stick when getting jobs/contracts/etc. 

Wilbur being his dad is an inside joke that’s gotten a life of its own.  

(No Fishfuckers Allowed!!!)

Puffy: 

Badass sheep lady who captains a ship and commands her own armada

Schlatt’s sister

Also part of Storm’s Landing’s council and acts as the main liaison between them 

Do not fuck with her she will kick your ass.

Storm’s Landing

Port city that became a country after becoming a safe-haven for seafarers

Led by a council of important people, with the head of the council known as the Admiral 

Closest ties to Crystallos and the Merchant’s guild because: 

1) Clingy supremacy!!!!

2) it’s a good idea for a guild to have good ties with a large sea power

3) all the dads for Tubbo

Associated Colors: navy blue, scarlet, white, brass 

Aesthetic/Vibes: Nautical (obviously) with heavy “Age of Exploration” vibes, barnacles crusted on treasure chests, think tall ships and pirates and shit, respecting the ocean because holy shit she’s gonna smash your boat to pieces on a whim because she can, has an edge of darkness because when you go deep enough who knows what you’ll find down there (maybe mermaids???) 

Notable Members:

CaptainSparklez: 

elected to Admiral after the previous Admiral went missing on a routine voyage 

(idk who it used to be, I just wanted to make him new at leading)

not 100% sure about the whole thing, but handling it pretty okay

still answers to “Captain” instead of “Admiral”.  

Niki:

If Storm’s Landing had a queen, would be it unquestionably

Never gets robbed even though there’s a well known “underbelly” in town

Could probably end wars with her croissants

Has a significant history of empathic abilities in her family, so she can tell how people are feeling at all times

Eret: 

Owns a magic store in town that really only shows itself to people who need it.  

Having a bad mental health day?  

He’s got a warm blanket and a cup of your favorite warm beverage waiting.  

Dysphoric?  

She’s got the perfect outfit and affirming words already prepared.  

Trying to find that specific book but can’t remember the title or plot, only vaguely know the color of the cover?  

They’ve got it.  

Ranboo:  

Not sure why he decided to move to a seaside city when he’s not chill with water, but now he’s here and he’s too anxious to leave

Known for teleporting around town randomly when nervous, and the people who find him are always willing to let a hand if he gets lost

Tubbo: 

This boi!  Has so many dads!  

Epitome of “Kindness does not equal weakness.”  

While a lot of people underestimate him, he’s not some fragile little flower

He hasn’t fully grown into his ability to speak to animals (he can only understand bees right now)

He’s just as much of a shit stirrer as Tommy.  

When they meet up, look out.  Something’s getting destroyed.

The Astral Academy

An independent university focused on advancing knowledge in the arcane arts and engineering 

Not a country, but has the political power of one due to their vast resources and building prowess 

People can’t enter unless they are invited or have been given entry as a student 

There are a bunch of potential doors scattered around the continent that could lead to the Academy, but no one is sure where the real entrance is 

Associated Colors: royal purple, lilac, sepia, sky blue, silver, bronze Aesthetic/Vibes: bright academia, massive libraries with bookshelves stuffed to bursting, workshop benches covered in scrap and prototypes, open air observatories, runes waiting to be translated, the crackling energy that comes from successful collaboration, falling down a research rabbit hole, bursting with pride after a project is a success

Notable Members: 

Sam

Purpled

Ponk

Punz

Antfrost

Jack Manifold

I don’t know much about these characters, so if you have any ideas please let me know!

Zero’s OC Land - The North Haven

Smallest and newest country 

Recently gained independence from under a cruel dictator (not schlatt lol)

Located in a pine forest at the base of a huge mountain range 

Has pretty good relations with the other countries, but outsiders don’t know much about them 

Main exports are wood carvings and leather goods 

Associated Colors: Maroon, dark brown, black, pewter 

Aesthetic/Vibes: medieval but with a modern twist, dark wood lit by a roaring fireplace, snow-covered woods without a living soul in sight, half timber houses and detailed wood carving, no outrageous ornamentation or extravagance 

Notable Members:

Tyr: 

Lord of the North Haven

trying to keep his people safe and protected

one of the few remaining Spirits (higher in power than the Fae, but lower than angels)

Spirit of Justice

lost a hand in the war for North Haven’s independence

didn’t want to become the leader but does a pretty good job at it

Adopted 5 kids and is trying his best

Bragi: 

Heir Apparent

24 year old human

can influence the world by speaking (not singing) but has to be careful about which words he uses

has a book full of phrases that have proven effects (a spellbook of sorts)

has a friendly rivalry with Wilbur

Freya: 

Spymaster

actually the oldest but abdicated because she feels she’s not the right person to lead a country

age unknown because she’s the last known [REDACTED] (it’ll be revealed, but I wanna build suspense)

has gyrfalcon wings and heightened senses

chronic insomniac

Forseti: 

Official Librarian

20 years old

hybrid with an unknown entity

has black fingers with sharp claws

always wears gloves to hide them

can create portals to places he’s been or to people he knows (the second is much riskier, but not impossible)

knowledge sponge

wants to join the Astral Academy but is too nervous to apply

Odin: 

Older Twin

The “Sensible One”

17 years old

Has an uncanny sense of direction

Can’t get lost no matter what

Can manipulate magnetic fields

Loki:

Younger Twin

The “Hot Headed One”

17 years old

can manipulate fire

idolizes his older siblings, particularly Freya

The Institute

Creeping around in the background

Up to bad things

Something’s going on in the world, but no one’s noticed yet

They will though… soon

Aesthetic/Vibes: minimalism (the worst kind of vibes imo), think laboratories or empty hospitals, harsh artificial lights and cold floors, labyrinths of monotonous hallways with no doors

[unwiltingblossom]

📷dispies said: Besides insisting that Doctor Who has a consistent canon is just stupid, that isn’t how the show works.

It really is. Just because Moffat claimed it isn't to excuse how bad he was at being consistent doesn't change the fact that the show actually was very consistent right up until he started lauding the idea that it had no canon - which he did in reaction to people not liking his inability to keep track of canon. It didn't have a huge focus on its internal consistency and because of how its time travel works it allowed for time travel to change things without fuss, but the reason why it sprouted up a nerdy fandom focused on its canon and lore - unlike shows like Red Dwarf that really don't care about its consistent canon - is because it didn't constantly contradict itself and laugh in the face of consistency. There's a reason why fandom was hyper focused on the 13 lives of the Doctor and on things teased for the future like the Valeyard, and it's not because Doctor Who laughed in the face of canon.

These rants are getting long so imma cut.

So the funny thing is, we're approaching things differently because you're still forcing a human view on an alien. You're also using outdated theory - that if a person identifies a certain way now they must be referred to that even in their past, which is not how you handle genderfluidity - with a Time Lord, because they literally live different lifetimes in different bodies, their identity is more segmented.

This one is canon according to what little actual canon we have, whether or not it's something that should be correct - when the body is male they're male, when the body is female, they're female, just as when the body is 'Northerner' or 'Southerner' that's what they are - but consistent canon from day 1 onward is that there is a Time Lord identity that stretches across regenerations regardless of that regeneration (the Master and his weird regens has confirmed this even more, as even crispy master and snake master were considered still the Master). Each lifetime is different and has its own quirks and such, but underneath those quirks and differences the same Time Lord persists no matter which lifetime you meet them in.

This means that The Doctor has a persistent gender that goes beyond the body that exists at the time, because the Doctor has a sense of identity that goes beyond the body he's currently in. Not only is this canon, but fandom accepted. My point is that the Doctor has made it exceedingly clear he has been a man 100% of the time up until now, and has called all Time Lords by their apparent gender, and has in official capacities been referred to by 'him' exclusively. We cannot argue against the fact that the Doctor has seen himself as male for this entire time, because there is no material anywhere to indicate this.

Simple psychology, which we know the Doctor is subject to because of other situations, therefore states that whether or not Time Lords are capable of being genderfluid or agender or are naturally dispositioned to do so, The Doctor will have solidified his mental image of himself and his disposition as male. He may not be dysphoric in his female form because his Time Lord biology rewrites his brain chemistry to suit each regeneration, but regenerations do not retroactively change things about his overall identity. Therefore I will refer to the Doctor as an entity as 'he' even though one of his regenerations is female until such a time as his identity is likely to have changed in a similar method.

As a final note, you should really quit trying to fish for extremely personal information from me. I do not have to out my gender identity to legitimize or excuse a fandom opinion you don't agree with, and it's highly rude for you to suggest otherwise.

[siglerprescriptiondrugcards]

Sertraline Hydrochloride

Brand Name: Zoloft

Generic Available

Common Dosage Forms:

Tablets: 25 mg, 50 mg, 100 mg

Oral Concentrate: 20 mg/mL (12% alcohol)

FDA Indications/Dosages:

Treatment of depression* and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): Start with 50 mg once daily. Increase dosage as needed no sooner than weekly up to a maximum of 200 mg/day. Treatment for up to 16 weeks has shown as improvement in depressive states. Success in treatment for periods longer than 16 weeks is unknown.

Treatment of panic disorder, with or without agoraphobia and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): Start with 25 mg once daily. Increase dosage as needed no sooner than weekly up to a maximum of 200 mg/day.

Treatment of premenstrual dysphoric disorder: Start with 50 mg/day, either daily throughout the menstrual cycle or limited to the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle. Changes in dose should be made at the start of the menstrual cycle up to a maximum of 150 mg/day.

Treatment of social anxiety disorder: Start with 25 mg once daily. After one week, the dose should be increase to 50 mg once daily.

*Depression is characterized by a depressed or dysphoric mood that lasts almost daily for an extended time (>2 weeks). 4 out of 8 of the following symptoms should be present to accurately diagnose the episode as depression: change in appetite, change in sleep patterns, psychomotor agitation, loss of interest in usual activities, increased fatigue, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, impaired concentration, and a suicide attempt or suicidal ideation.

Pharmacology/Pharmacokinetics: Sertraline is chemically unrelated to tricyclic or tetracyclic antidepressants. Its mechanism of action is thought to be due to its inhibition of CNS neuronal uptake of serotonin (5HT). It has very week actions on norepinephrine and dopamine neuronal reuptake. It has no significant affinity for adrenergic, cholinergic, GABA, dopaminergic, histaminergic, benzodiazepine, or serotonergic receptors. Terminal elimination half-life is 26 hours. Sertraline undergoes extensive first-pass metabolism (N-demethylation) to form a less active metabolite. Excretion occurs both through the urine and through feces. Sertraline is highly bound to plasma proteins (98%) and is a substrate for P450 hepatic isoenzyme CYP3A3/4.

Drug Interactions: Use in combination (within 14 days) with MONOAMINE OXIDASE INHIBITORS (MAOI) may cause serious or even fatal reactions. May increase PIMOZIDE levels. May be displaced by or displace other highly protein-bound drugs (warfarin, digitoxin). May decrease clearance of diazepam and tolbutamide. Variable effects may occur when used with other CYP3A3/4 substrates. Coadministration with aspirin or an NSAID may increase the risk of upper GI bleeding.

Contraindications/Precautions: Do not use pimozide or within 14 days of therapy with an MAOI. ANTIDEPRESSANTS INCREASE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS IN CHILDREN, ADOLESCENTS, AND YOUNG ADULTS. Suicide attempts are possible in depression and may continue until significant remission occurs. Only the smallest quantity possible should be dispensed. Use with caution in patients with renal or hepatic dysfunction. Although drowsiness is not a major adverse effect, patients should be careful when performing tasks which require alertness. Abrupt discontinuation of therapy may cause adverse effects including dysphoric mood, irritability, agitation, dizziness, anxiety, confusion, insomnia, and headache. Pregnancy Category B.

Adverse Effects: Nausea, diarrhea, dyspepsia, tremor, dizziness, insomnia, sweating, dry mouth, or male sexual dysfunction (ejaculatory delay).

Patient Consultation:

Continued therapy may be needed to show noticeable improvement. Do not stop therapy before consulting with a physician.

Sertraline oral concentrate must be diluted prior to use. Place the proper dose in 4 oz. of water, ginger ale, lemon/lime soda, lemonade, or orange juice ONLY. Do not mix in any other beverage. Take immediately after mixing. Do not premix doses.

Avoid alcohol while taking this medication.

Use caution when performing tasks that require mental alertness.

Consult with your physician or pharmacist before taking nonprescription medications.

Do not abruptly discontinue medication.

Store in a cool, dry place away from sunlight and children.

Contact a physician if the above side effects are severe or persistent.

If a dose is missed, skip it and return to normal dosing schedule.

Pay close attention to any changes, especially sudden changes, in mood behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. Antidepressants may increase suicidal thoughts and actions.

[fatedkings]

i want to preface these thoughts by saying: by no way shape and form will i ever force my headcanons on my roleplay partner of the other character i have the headcanon with. These are just my thoughts and nor do I view muns of villains in a negative light, we all love characters just different types. it does not mean they, the muns, are bad people.

my  ( undead )  izuru headcanons involve Gin/Aizen of course, whom both i love dearly with all my heart, and several other characters like Hisagi, Momo, Renji, and Matsumoto.  I will have a read more,   gore warning etc.  as this WILL get lengthy  ( going in depth about izuru’s state of consciousness leading up to,   the possible backlash,    etc. )

basically tl;dr    izuru kira becomes the epitome of despair.

After a blast in the chest from Bazz-B, obliterating his abdomen tossing his arm aside, Izuru barely “alive” is taken to Mayuri Kurotsuchi to be healed. Held together by a string of will to live, heavy poles, and enhanced by the reiatsu of Izuru’s fallen seated officers now standing at a captain’s level ( as stated by Shaz Domino in their battle in “Beginning of the revive of Tomorrow”. )

much of him ponders his existence:   how he is carrying the souls of the seated officers he was unable to protect, only to continue to fight for his pride as a gotei 13 member.   This mindset  has been the same since Gin Ichimaru left the gotei 13 with aizen in a beam of light, leaving Kira’s trust irreparable. his personality has always revolved around his comrades, his captain, the gotei 13  ( as many shinigami were indoctrinated to unquestioningly  [ i.e. he made momo bow before byakuya even though it was wrong to just allow  renji to be jailed horribly injured as he was. ]  believe to follow the rules and motions at the time making aizens plan easier, izuru is just another sleeper in the system. )

this could be stated as a young shinigami he was impressionable, Aizen “I plan everything to a T” Sosuke stated how he chose Hinamori specifically for being his lieutenant so that he may manipulate her like a puppet for the events of the soul society arc.   (  which arguably pitted them against one another and ruined their [ hinamori and izuru’s ] relationship in my opinion  )    i highly suspect that Izuru was ALSO chosen through the same process that Hinamori was picked so that there were no flaws in this plan, as Gin was in with Aizen one hundred years prior.

now, I am not saying that Gin did not CARE for Izuru personally, I am saying that Gin had a mission and that was to kill aizen by any means necessary even if it meant getting others hurt. Gin played along with Aizen’s game, the manipulation, i even think he cared for Izuru to an extent before the end of their time together, but again he had a mission he had to accomplish. What I have always loved about BLEACH is how morally grey the characters are, and Gin alongside Tosen is a great example of these archtypes. Gin wanted to kill Aizen and return the shard of the Soul King back to Rangiku, what he sold his life away to for the person he loved most.

We know Izuru as a child was more free, chipper to tease and speculate over his and Hisagi’s strength only question what happened to make Kira such a gloomy person. Perhaps it is the exposure to being a soul reaper, but the drastic changes in his personality make me question what made Izuru the person we know now?    it’s only later on in my current re-reading of BLEACH in Izuru’s cell scene did i get the full extent of how uncomfortable it truly was at least for me.    A dilapitated cell,     scratched up,     broken chair,      blood splatter aross the floor, Izuru in a sling self loathing:

Hinamori’s cell was not the same state being absolutely pristine, almost the same for Renji except more concrete than wooden. Kira put the loyalty to his Captain over the loyalty to his friend when it came down to the tension over Sosuke Aizen’s “death”  self loathing over what he had done.  All of this Damage had been done by himself, restrained for his own safety, conflicted over his own emotions:

Izuru was lead to rely and be loyal to Gin ( if not I think part of Kira on the inside was also TERRIFIED of Gin ),  leading to Izuru diverting Matsumoto after the central 46 slaughter although he tells Nayura from “Beginning of the Revive of Tomorrow” Gin did not tell him to fight Matsumoto the opposite is implied in the manga as well as matsumoto’s suspicions of some sort of manipulation  (  rangiku and izuru make up tho and drink so its gucci ) with a q&a of Kira’s after the soul society rebellion sounding lost, stating how he did not want ‘liars’ in his company. However, Hinamori’s q&a had a desire for life and to move on from the tragic events unlike Izuru’s prompt.

Rose might be attached to Izuru, however, Izuru does not want to latch on to Rose and for something unmistakable to happen (  unable to trust, similar to the captain amagai arc in the anime except with one personality of strenuous trepidation and the other willing.  )

It’s always been his mindset to put the Gotei 13 before his friends ( who he loves very much, he worried about rangiku more than himself even though he was a human squirting ketchup bottle ),   he does not have any living family, nor does he seem to have any lingering positive feelings to himself   as now Kira needs to PROVE his worth. Later on in turn back the pendelum with Kisuke and Hiyori visiting maggots nest mentioning how there is no one who intentionally leaves the Gotei 13, implying that in the Gotei 13 you either die as a shinigami or are imprisoned for life.  Unquestioning loyalty is the unhealthy norm among all of them, even if it may seem endearing at times for the Division eleven members, etc.

[Undead] Izuru is just what he says: a ‘different Izuru’. 

although it may be known that the hole in his chest exists, the extent that the mental state has deteriorated would be unknown to most of the people in his life. Just because of the change brought on by Ichigo and his friends does not mean that Soul society has truly made progress, many of the soul reapers linger on the old ways rather than moving forward. Shinigami are still very much sheep apart of the herd and without Kira voicing his concern about the state of being Izuru is in none would be the wiser or know about the souls essentially stapled against his own. Everyone would be complacent, silent... as possibly KIra could decend into a numb void pit similar to a Gillian.

How? Only Arrancar have been stated similar to Shinigami, but the backlash to having the souls pegged onto the motherboard would create some TYPE of hazard for Izuru in the future that would jeapordize his state of being. Here i propose this theory: Gillians are made of hollows intertwined with one another, although, most do not have any sense of individuality because of this make up,

1.)   izuru would eventually lose his sense of object permanence, individuality, perpetually putting his comrades in danger by his own presence that could lead to the harm or slaughter of shinigami and the people he once loved.

2.)   if the process of losing spiritual pressure is painful  ( i.e. how ichigo reacted in the manga when he passed out after mugetsu ) perhaps the same can be said for those who rapidly gain spiritual pressure/reiatsu over a short period of time.

(  in brave souls during his attacks he sounds like hes groaning or in pain.  )

3.)   interacting with izuru is a lot like pulling teeth,  to yank and  tear,   like the moon as a waning crescent his mentality is filled with the dysphoric aftermath.  Unable to turn a new page,   even with the war over,   izuru has not sought help for the gaping cavern that lays in his chest nor does he seem to want to...

(  izuru seems to be content with living alongside his companions day to day as if the days were the same before the TYBW   [ in rukia’s and renji’s getting-married novel he still has the hole because yoruichi tries to unclothe him to look at it ].     Unless kira himself comes to the conclusion that he has regained some sort of status within the gotei 13,     as lieutenant within division three there will be no redemption or acceptance to fill that gap.     it will be there haunting him,      a wound undisclosed with all expected to walk parallel never questioning  his state of being, he is detached from the world around him,  isolating himself for various reasons.    )

4.)    the arm that was blown off is mostly repaired as synthetic, izuru holds his arms and body irregularly    (  i.e.   how attacks with one arm only,    one shoulder is lifted higher than the other.  ) and can be ejected off with enough force if applied.

5.)    SPECULATION**//         his will to fight/kill might be affected,   as we have seen through ichigo,   is what drives a shinigami to gain power in their zanpakuto is their kill intent resolve.     He states that he is only fighting for his pride to gain his status back in the gotei 13, though he protected others, it was to a means to an end.   However,    his former resolve in battle was to the point of no doubt so it would vary by situation   (  i.e. “ can i protect this place?   we will see... “  )

6.)    no one knows about the souls basically stapled to Izuru’s body.     most likely people understand he had grown stronger without a bankai but not HOW.  The only people who know are Mayuri, Nemu ( who is dead), possibly Akon, and very few of those in the twelfth division but those would be sworn to silence.

7.)    a type of imposter syndrome.   believing that he is not the real izuru, since he did indeed die, combined with several different souls who could he be?   it’s why he becomes irrationally agitated when the events of TYBW or the hole inside his body is brought up, why has he not closed it?  truly he is frightened of what the answer might be and only clams up more aka linked back to #3

the reason i call him the epitome of despair is that he always had good intentions, he loves his friends endlessly, he serves his company with loyalty that would be expected of a perfect soldier, but he never had a chance from the start that he entered the academy.

he might have been able to save one girl inside of the central 46 that would go on to do big changes alongside the captain commander and nanao, but for Izuru already so much had been lost at one time significance had no meaning. his life had no meaning, all his faith in the system had been proven to be meaningless as corrupt, most of all he could not protect his comrades that were compounded to his body : how could he continue to be a shinigami in the gotei thirteen, a lieutenant no less? how could he protect others?

i don’t want to stereotype him as the “”””emo””””” type as he, at the core, is far from it even with and despite how gloomy Izuru reacts. He is, for the most part, a grounded level headed individual who is self disciplined, decisive even when it comes to battle that separates him from the rest of the lieutenants  ( he has a usual indecisiveness, but it can be worked to his advantage in some situations. )

Loyal,  soft spoken,  the friend you would WANT to have,  Izuru can still express emotion as the sheer panic and fright he had when yoruichi tried to disrobe him just to look at his hole was genuine enough. hell he even ran division three for a short time by himself, i think that is something to be recognized.

it’s not that he does not believe as the head of central 46 thinks, but that his reasoning for who he was wanes his existence. all of it is jarring, there would have to be some kind of backlash.

it would be easy to say ‘get orihime to heal him’ and ‘get it over with’ but orihime struggled to heal ichigo through ulquiorra’s cero that shot through his chest the first time because of the strong reiatsu that lingered. Bazz-B is a thousand year old quincy,  in comparison the effort would most likely exhaust orihime before she even finishes because of the residual energy that imprinted. Knowing how orihime’s powers work it relies on her mental fortitude, she is human and not indespensible, Kira sees this as a burden on the ryoka and would not ask this of them after all that Ichigo and his friends have done for them.

degradation was not personality/character improvement rather the focus of the marigold on his character was specific, and I am sure there would have been more if Kubo was not rushed by deadlines and illness. I feel like im repeating points by now so i think hopefully everyone gets the picture of what I mean, if anyone has any questions let me know!