#maybe ill share em someday

[androgynouspenguinexpert]

babe wake up androgynouspenguinexpert posted another character analysis from the train during her finals week because she's banned herself from drawing anything new

its time to tackle vega, because he's cool.

all of the characters carry a unique narrative theme or motif - the importance of self worth for gavin, impostor syndrome for asher, consent and control for marcus, etc. vega's theme is one of, if not my favourite: nature vs nurture, learned behaviour, and the morality of necessary evil.

vega doesn't start out as a moustache-twirling villain, but he's certainly hurting people for selfish reasons. however - the line between right and wrong starts to blur even across vega's first few appearances. as he points out himself later, vega has essentially created a closed loop of suffering to feed from. yeah, he got someone roofied and kidnapped, which is bad, but he's limited his victims to two people. ivan and baby. there's even a case to be made about baby's safety - ivan is volatile and incredibly dangerous (breaking either glass or ceramic with his bare hands???), but we never see him physically harm baby other than restraining them.

vega's age (pin this) has granted him an incredible level of experience and therefore intellect. he's probably the smartest piece on the board right now, save maybe for brachium (but he's sort of on a board of his own anyway). vega knows exactly what he is. he feeds on suffering and agony, and there's nothing that can change that. equipped with this knowledge, vega has managed to streamline the production of agony without really getting his hands dirty, and basically guaranteed the survival of both people involved.

then in comes caelum. he accidentally discovers vega's operation, and immediately runs to freelancer for help. vega proceeds to kick the shit out of caelum for snitching, and almost kills him. again, this is bad. i'm definitely not defending vega's actions here - but think of it from his point of view: he's set up a way of passively producing agony and is minding his own business. a daemon who is 24 (at time of writing) stumbles across this, and immediately threatens to shut it down as well as get him arrested. that's like a toddler walking in on a meth lab and running to the cops. vega probably could drop everything and relocate to avoid the department, but that would take a lot more time and effort than just soccer kicking the toddler over a fence. so he tries, and fails, because gavin steps in. gavin being able to overpower vega - despite being potentially hundreds of thousands of years younger - speaks to the inefficiency of vega's agony system, and he's smart enough to be well aware of that. agony (in a relatively nice part of california, anyway) isn't really a renewable resource like lust or joy are. harming someone, whether physically or otherwise, enough to fuel vega for any significant amount of time would either permanently damage or kill that person. that's not sustainable.

and then vega gets arrested. the human government asks a being probably older than civilisation to pinkie promise he'll stay in a little concrete box for a while. vega explains later that he doesn't believe in unnecessary violence - unless he decides that it is necessary, i guess - so he probably went along with his arrest fairly peacefully. there's another analysis in here somewhere about where (or from whom...?) the department learned its containment methods, considering they haven't really figured out aria yet.

but anyway - vega gets tossed into maximum security. and even from behind the ward, he's finding subtle (and less subtle) ways to stir the pot, especially with his new department-assigned therapist (another quick aside that's too good for the tags; did anyone else find it super fucking funny that vega's first real friend on elegy is his therapist?). i think vega feels neutral about elegy, leaning ever so slightly towards liking it, but he knows what he is. a demon. vega never was, and never will be, human. that's why he never audibly speaks (which is a fantastic detail) - he's rejecting the most basic form of modern human communication. language. yes, he knows english, but he's probably never spoken a single word out loud. vega's fear of daemons growing away from their roots is also why he starts testing for cracks in the warden's façade - he's worried that daemons are starting to assimilate a little too much. they're losing their identity as a separate species, and losing sight of the sacrifices made during the cacophony. and he's right - the cacophony has entirely faded into myth. his suffering and loss has now been turned into a fable; a cautionary tale about dealing with forces beyond our control.

next is the escape, which is both interesting and sick as hell. vega proves that he's not a fan of violence for the sake of violence by mincing some solitaires, tossing an unconscious warden over his shoulder, and escaping the detention facility. this is vega's first real selfless action. he definitely could have left the warden to the solitaires, but chooses to save them because of their compassion towards him. this shows a little of vega's internal struggle - he's never been around unconditional like, let alone love, because he doesn't need to. he needs to be unlikeable. manipulative. cutthroat. these are the things that keep him safe, but more importantly fed. we know from his imperium counterpart (who will eventually be getting a post of his own) that vega wants to be wanted. as much as he denies it and dodges the topic when it's brought up, vega is not intrigued by the warden because he can toy with them. he's drawn to them because they're willing to understand. they're hesitant, but for now they're giving vega the benefit of the doubt. he's never been given that before.

he also starts to wear down the warden's already fragile sense of morality with the kidnapped department officer. although his methods are very questionable, vega is correct again when he explains that he doesn't really have a choice. he won't hurt the guard, and the guard can't hurt him or the warden, but will keep spewing out hate that vega can feed on for the forseeable future. he's killing two birds with one stone as well - the warden is an inchoate. it's far easier for vega to track down (read: kidnap) one racist than to juggle the emotional intake of two people.

i don't think vega is just trying to break the warden out of their department mould for the sake of shenanigans, nor does he want to return to the glory days - vega knows that humanity and daemonkind are now inseperable after the imprisonment of the sovereigns.

he just doesn't want daemons - genuinely good people trying to make the best of a not fantastic situation - to lose sight of what they are. what they used to be. not anarchists, or pawns for the department. starchildren.

forgive me. i tend to wax poetic.

[rinbowaman]

I know I havent been here long but happy late birthday!!!!

When I found your blog first thing I remember was reading MT and that was when i fell in love with your writing! You always know how to portray the proper emotions and its always so descriptive! And when I read MGR let me tell you I read MGR, MRE, and HHP all in 2 days. Then came the se7en series and when I tell you I fell in love I fell in love! I was so happy when TO was coming out. Your stories always make me so happy and when Im having a bad day Ill re read one of them. Or if Im lucky you posted a new chapter which instantly makes my day better!! I wish you the best and hope that you have a great life! Once again Happy late birthday!!!

Em anon

Em anon!!! omg thank you!!! i'm so glad that you enjoy the series, i can't wait to get back to MT and HHP, which i will soon and post those chapters probaby the end of the week. I'm so glad and happy that my stories brings happiness, its the whole reason why i want to be a writer, bc i love sharing my creativity and seeing that it is loved by people. there is nothing better than seeing my characters (even though they are based off of real ppl lol) but i love seeing how they are coming to life and that you all love them and the storyline. and i love being descriptive, i think that it is crucial for the description to be there so readers can really actually 'live' in the story. which is why it's always fun to write smut lol bc you can get so descriptive and it never gets boring. but thank you for this and encouraging me to continue! bc i love hearing about it and it further promotes me to follow my dreams in becomgin a professional writer and maybe someday having a book published *fingers crossed*

[kaminobiwan]

in sickness and health

pairing: obi-wan kenobi x jedi!reader

summary: Confined to a day in bed, Obi-Wan is enlisted to keep you company. Featuring mild spoonfeeding I make no apologies

a/n: First off, THANK YOU FOR 300 FOLLOWERS! WOW oh my goodness that happened so fast. I’m still working through the prompts from my 175/200 follower celebration (of which this is a part of), and I can’t wait to figure out a way to celebrate this milestone as well! I’m so grateful to all of the support and love I’ve gotten so far; your kindness and readership means the world to me, and I’m so glad to share my stories with you :-) Without any further ado, here is the return of Padawan!Obi....and if you’d like to join his fanclub, might I direct you to my co-president @highlycommendable lovely dove

Before I forget, taglist masterlist all that shite. Enjoy my bubs

On his way back to the dormitories after an early morning meditation session, Obi-Wan hears arguing.

Though it’s not uncommon to hear discord in the wing of the temple where the Padawans make their residence, it isn’t the usual ruckus of Quin and Kit wrestling, or Shaak Ti demanding to know who had taken her Akul-tooth headdress again.

This time, it’s the voice of a Master filling the halls, berating his student with fond persistence.

“Padawan, my word is final.” Obi-Wan turns the corner as Plo Koon raises a talon at a figure huddled in blankets in the doorway. “You are too ill to travel.”

“But I’m almost better! And Shaak’s told me so much about the Togruta, and I want to see how big of an Akul she’s killed!” He recognizes the protests coming from your distinct yet muddled voice, and his vision confirms his guess as you come into sight, fabric draping across your body like a spirit. “I promise I’m fine, Master, please!”

Despite his mouth being completely covered by his breathing mask, Obi-Wan can almost detect the makings of a smile across the Jedi’s features. “The healers were adamant, my student. You’re to rest one more day. Perhaps, instead of stories of Akul, you can detail our sightings of the neebray mantas to your peers. I assure you, they are much bigger than any Akul you hope to see.” Abruptly, he turns to Obi-Wan in a way that makes him think the Master had sensed his presence long before he’d approached. “Padawan Kenobi, if you’re not terribly occupied, I have a favor to ask of you.”

Obi-Wan comes to a stop in front of the pair of you, your eyes dragging to his frame after shooting a disgruntled glance at your Master. “Master Koon?”

“I’m set to depart for Shili within the hour, and unfortunately, this one,” he gestures a robe-covered hand towards you, “is recovering from a mild case of Balmorra Flu and will be unable to accompany me. I would appreciate it immensely if you’d monitor my student to ensure that she does, in fact, fulfill her last day of bed rest.” Obi-Wan notices as you bristle at the notion of being babysat like a child, but says nothing as Plo continues. “The healers have been kind enough to deliver medicine and food. You’d need only to stay within the room.” Before Obi-Wan can reply that he’d have to seek the approval of his own Master, Koon finishes for him. “I’d be happy to request an excuse from the rest of your duties, but if I’m being quite honest, I’m aware that most of your training for the day has already been completed.”

Obi-Wan schools his own features in haste from revealing how impressed he is. Though, he really shouldn’t be surprised. Plo Koon was legendary amongst the younger generations for both his intuition and skill with a lightsaber. Still, he pauses.

“There’s no cause for worry, young one, she’s not contagious any longer. The sickness is in its last stages.” The Kel Dor assures him, somewhat humorously, but that’s not why Obi-Wan is hesitating.

He’s nervous — he’s never spent much time alone with you. It’s not that you’re unlikable, or intimidating — okay, maybe you are a little — but actually, you’re quite popular with the rest of his crèchemates. He’s only had the opportunity to spend time with you in the midst of his other friends, and the times you have had conversations by yourselves, he gets an uncomfortable twist in his stomach that he’s not sure he likes.

But Obi-Wan is a good Padawan. Trying to be, at least. And Master Koon is close friends with Qui-Gon.

“Certainly, Master.” He gives a slight bow at the middle of his waist. “I would gladly be of service.”

The Jedi nods at him gracefully, and bids a soft farewell to you as he departs the conversation and the dormitory wing. You mutter a goodbye of your own moments after, followed by what Obi-Wan thinks is a variation of be safe. Then, you turn haughtily into your bedroom, retreating with your nose high in the air. He follows with a smirk of amusement.

“Sorry you’ve been sidelined.” He offers, as you face plant dramatically onto the bed. You bounce head-first into the pillows, and he can feel the irritation radiating off of you. “I know it that goes.”

You lift your body enough to place your chin in your hands, and regard him with a softening quirk. “It’s okay. I was just excited to get out on a mission again after my last one got cut short. This wretched flu.”

You flop onto your back, but Obi-Wan can sense your resentment quickly fading as you pull up the sheets to your chest. He notes that you already seem to be complying with your Master’s orders, grateful at the thought of not having to force you into bed. Another thought passes through his head, reminding him of the specific name Plo Koon had mentioned earlier.

“Balmorra flu? Weren’t you on Dantooine?”

“We were. Unfortunately, the illness is not limited to the planet for which it is named. But how it made its way to Dantooine, the middle of nowhere, I’ve no idea.” You sniff harshly. “It’s a shame, too. I wanted to take some time to admire the grasslands, but Master Koon wanted to get us back to the temple before I got worse.” The pout on your face morphs into a far-off look, and while you’re daydreaming, he takes the time to admire you. “It was majestic, Obi-Wan, the rolling plains, the rivers — you’d have loved it, I think.”

To himself, he smiles warmly. Here you are, sinuses stuffed to the brim and wallowing in the discomfort of sickness, yet you still found it within yourself to think of him. He can see why you’d been spoken so highly of by the others before he’d had the courage to befriend you.

You had a good heart.

“I know what you mean.” He presents you with a new tissue as you toss a used one into the wastebasket by your bed, and you watch him speak intently. “Once, on a mission to Alderaan, my Master told me he’d save time to hike one of the mountains if we finished early. A meditation retreat, of sorts. We did, but just as we were prepared to go, I came down with nerf-pox. A youngling sneezed on me in the middle of the assignment.” Disdain paints his appearance, and you cough out a laugh at him behind your fist as you reach for something off your bedside table, where a steaming bowl and cup of water sits.

“To the experiences that disease took from us,” you raise the cup in the air as if you’re making a toast, and although he’s not holding one of his own, he mimes the action with a grin. “Here’s to hoping we’ll get to do them someday.”

As you raise the drink to your mouth, Obi-Wan can’t help but notice the way it trembles in your hand. Eyes narrowing, he takes in the slight shake of your arm. “You’re quite weak,” he moves closer to take the cup from you and set it back on the table. “I think I should feed you.”

Your eyebrows knit in defiance, but he’s already holding the bowl of soup, stirring the spoon in its depths. Immediately, his nose wrinkles in distaste.

“This smells horrible.”

You sigh in agreement, leaning your head back against the pillows. “Rootleaf stew. Master Yoda’s personal recipe.” As he lifts the utensil to your still-moving mouth, you add, “Thankfully, it doesn’t taste as bad as it stinks.”

He snickers quietly as you drink the liquid down with a small noise of disgust. Your face seems to relax after a minute, however, and he hopes the warm broth is soothing your throat. He offers you a bit more, but this time, you stare straight at him as your lips close around the spoon, and his wrist falters when you peer at him from beneath your lashes.

Soup dribbles down your chin and neck as you squeal in surprise, the heat of it making you jerk back. Obi-Wan drops the bowl onto the table as he frantically snatches up tissues to offer you between panicked apologies, not trusting himself to dab the droplets on your skin away himself.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry, I —” he stammers as you clean up what you can, blinking at him in amused surprise. You don’t look angry at him, but stars, does he feel bad. “Ah, I didn’t mean to. So much for helping you.” From the shoulders up, he burns bright with remorse, but you shake your head amusedly with bright eyes.

“It’s okay. I probably would have done the same to myself. You were right, I am too weak to carry anything.”

Sheepishly, Obi-Wan picks up the stew again, but places it in his lap for a moment as he waits for his body to stop freaking out, for lack of a better term. It’s good timing, too, because you promptly break into a hacking fit, coughing violently as he winces in his seat. After you blow your nose loudly, you seem to notice his expression, because you suddenly turn self-consciously away from him.

“I’m sorry, too. I can’t imagine I’m a pretty sight to see as of right now.”

He disagrees. Surprisingly, your physical state hasn’t been too affected. And even in spite of your slightly ruffled exterior, you’re still exuding the same liveliness that he can’t help but find attractive. In his mindlessness, Obi-Wan’s mouth acts before his brain as he responds. “I think you’re always pretty.”

You both freeze, eyes meeting in shocked gazes as he attempts to backtrack. “I — I mean, you’re a pretty sight to see —” Nope, that’s worse, kill me, Maker, kill me now —

“Obi — it’s okay,” you cut him off from embarrassing himself further, though your own voice is shrill. “I appreciate the compliment.”

His face flushes again, this time at the nickname more than his stupidity. He stares resolutely into the swirling broth as he fiddles with the spoon, and deafening silence fills the air between you as you both look anywhere but each other. Soon enough, though, you’re brave enough to break the quiet. With an even braver comment of your own.

“You know, you’re not too bad-looking either,” he peers at you cautiously, and your eyes are kind, offering comfort. He breathes out a long sigh, but manages a weak smile in return.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, and you nod at him easily. He’s jealous of the way you’re expressive, yet so effortlessly at ease in any scenario — someday, he swears, he’ll nail down his composure. He’ll be in complete control of his every emotion and have the coolest demeanor of all the Jedi.

Just, not today.

Obi-Wan forces himself to steel the muscles in his arms as he brings another spoonful of soup to your waiting mouth, and exhales in relief when he successfully avoids causing another mess. Unfortunately, it seems that you’re intent on making one, because as soon as you swallow, you’ve got another remark that you deliver all too casually for Obi-Wan’s liking.

“In fact, I’d say you’re the prettiest Padawan in the Order.”

He spills the entire bowl across your sheets.

[madamescarlette]

WIP folder tag

Tagged by my ever-so-beloved @thebirdandhersong to visit my garden nursery of slumbering stories, so here we are!

The thing is, I have a whole bunch of story ideas that I just….tip tap away at over the years, like an miner in a giant cave, except that it’s a cave that I have to gear up to return to over and over and so it gets harder the busier I am. (Does this analogy make sense? No? Well I’m going to use it anyway.) I have a habit of saying that right now might not be the time to learn how to tell a story, but maybe someday in the future, with all the cumulative experience I’ll have then, it will be. Which is to say, I leave things simmering for years at a time. HOWEVER I do have a shortlist of stories that I typically return to over a period of time and still feel inspired to work on at present so those will mostly comprise this list. 

Also every story idea I work on for a significant period of time comes with their own code name because for me, part of the joy of finally handing the finished thing to other people is the unveiling of the name (because names have POWER) so that is what you’ll find here. They’re always puns or jokes or just straight up allusions to the title. They’re not always good, but they’re fun to ME and that’s what matters really.

BOOKS

Tree Novel: The story idea I’ve posted about most lately! It has its roots (ha) in my love for the bodyguard-princess trope except genderflipped, and in the delight of trying to world build from a scientific level, rather than from the lore as I usually do. The basic premise revolves around these giant trees, all separated across the world, where people have set up their own city-states in their roots, who have even learned to speak with these trees. The threads are: friends who share everything, even their birthdays, the joy of discovering the wideness of the world when you’ve always been in one place, an almost monster-of-the-week format except it’s my two kids wandering around trying to solve the problems of all their new friends. (The codename is just because. there’s trees and I love ‘em.)

Butterfly Novel: The sequel to the story of which my username is the main character. Basically The Goblin Emperor but if I wrote it- which is to say, more hijinks, less details and thus less fun, and because it’s me has lots of people sitting in corners being like “aaaaalright you ready to talk about your FEELINGS?” Takes place over the first few years of a young queen’s reign. It’s about- learning about leadership, learning to grow up and reconcile who you once were with who you are now, friendship blooming into love. (The codename is a pun about monarch butterflies.)

Milk Novel: My romcom I cooked up about two summers ago that was originally loosely (LOOSELY, LOOSELY) based on Snow White but has far devolved away from the original plotline but also I don’t want to rope it back so away it shall unfurl! This one’s premise revolves around a woman who, estranged and cut off from her family at a young age, now works in restaurants and as a line cook and essentially teaches herself how to be a chef, who gets hired to be a caterer for a floral company, and about the man who the company owner specifically hired her because of him and the fact that he doesn’t care very much about food. The main themes are grief, food, learning to forgive a transgression that changed your life irreversibly, learning to let go of a perfectly happy time to move forwards to something else, and about learning to communicate when you’ve spent your entire life trying to be as small as possible. (The codename is literally the translated title.)

Spring Novel: Everyone needs their own Hades and Persephone right? And this is mine. It is meant to be my version of OUAT’s first season combined with Greek mythology, so essentially a modern retelling where Percy’s an art historian unsure of where her life’s headed, when one of her friends’ illness leads her to meeting a doctor whose patients always seem to die. Similarly, about grief but also the lead-up to great loss and change, and learning to reconcile those things with your life, also the fears of letting yourself be loved when you had been convinced you would be better off alone, as well as learning to deal with the fact that your skills might not be what you wanted them to be, but how to live with them anyway. (The codename is really just a reference to Persephone- the lady with a suitcase full of summertime!)

SHORT STORIES (to come…I’m going to say that stubbornly to bully myself into it actually happening)

Garden Story: An idea that sparked when I was rewatching Roman Holiday and ruminating on how some true loves can happen in our lives that aren’t necessarily forever but are still significant. Revolves around a little girl who hides in a garden one afternoon, the woman who owns that garden, and the girl’s older brother. Bittersweet but in a GOOD way, hopefully.

Vampire Story: Based off of a conversation I had a long time ago where one of my best friends said she, as a vampire, would use her (undead) lifetime getting every degree that exists, and I would use mine paying for the bills of everyone I met (since vampires are fabulously rich); this along with the realization I had recently that if vampires don’t have immune responses and thus don’t need to note antibodies anymore, what would stop us from making synthetic blood for them? My premise is that if three vampires got bored of the debauchery of their comrades and decided to spend their lives caring for the people around them were suddenly put upon to raise a baby, how would that turn out? Hopefully fine, right?

Star Wars Epilogue: I said once that in my epilogue to the ST, Rey would begin wearing a wedding ring in the years that followed the war, and I want to make an entire story revolving around that. Rose is pretty much the biggest character besides her but also is a sub-in for me, wandering around telling people they need to take better care of themselves. The usual themes for me- grief, loss, rebuilding your life, bread and fresh air and life. Hopefully a sleepy story if I can pull it off properly.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #348

“nothing will be free  /  nothing will be done  /  black out the sun”

Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story. Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah. Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science. What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls. Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one. Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh. Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it. How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal. Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix. Have you ever bought a designer purse? No. Do you wear jewelry often? No. What color was your senior prom dress? Black. Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which. Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to. What was your first favorite color? Red. What do you think about horror movies? I love them. If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill. Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too. What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word. Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since. What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know. What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now... Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No. Ever done drugs? No. Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds." What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think. If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds. Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks. Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No. Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%. Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No. Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie. Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure. What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it. What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food. What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah. What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+. What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy. What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy. What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself. Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No. Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains! Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's. Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so. Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No. Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney. Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it. Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes. Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special. What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique. Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods. Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk. Where was your FB display pic taken? My room. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks. Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No. Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No. What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name. Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah. Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from. Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr. Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend? Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops. Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another. Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it. Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today. What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be, but I know we lost it along the way to something better, something so much more than pleasure that we seek, so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves as we manufacture our own hell." What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH. What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did. Do you know any gay people personally? Ye. What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day. What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.

[grumpygreenwitch]

Summer Gardening.

So it’s been a while, and for that I apologize to the... 200+ people who follow me. I’m sure y’all are here for the cat pics and the nekked men, but TOO BAD. Today you get to suffer through pics of my green children. Also, I do share seed. My seed list link will be up later in the year. To begin with, the summer flowers are out en force:

Echinacea Purpurea, the original echinacea. I do save yearly seed from these guys, although it’s an incredibly pointy, stabby and bleed-y job. 

Mountain Phlox. Unfortunately, all of it around the house is afflicted with powdery mildew, so I will not share seed. But it’s still pretty to look at, and the clearwings (hummingbird moths) love it. Not pictured is the white variant, who grows on the other side of the house. Look, it was hot and I was already melting.

Peppermint Balsam. This thing is basically indestructible, for an annual. It will reseed freely (to truly Lovecraftian levels) and blooms continuously from late spring until mid-fall, when the seed-pods set. There is a dormant genetic in it for double flowers, but when it pops up it’s always been sterile. It just pops up occasionally from the peppermint seed.

I may give the roommate hell over the hostas (I hate them. They’re so useful to protect toads and control weeds, but I hate them), but they do put out pretty flowers. There are several variants around the house - white-edged, blue and green, but hostas in general are very, very hard to start from seed. I will save it on request, only. We were also incredibly lucky to have a Moth Mullein sprout in our porch bed, along with some Variegated Solomon’s Seal.The SS doesn’t put out seeds, and I don’t have enough to share bulbs (yet), but the mullein has been exceptionally generous with seed pods, and it repels bugs. It repels ROACHES. It’s going everywhere. And I may be convinced to part with some seed.

Onward!

A view from a hill. Can you see the garden? That’s OK, I can’t either. Those are peach trees, on the side of the orchard closest to the house. Unfortunately a freak storm during early spring killed all the blossoms. Also, don’t mistake ‘orchard’ for ‘organized’. There’s a pear, some apples, a plum, some nectarines? And front and center are two walnuts. I’ll probably be plunking my laurel there to see if it survives winter. And someday when I have a job and money again, I would like to drop a few Chicago Hardy figs, and maybe a kiwi trellis.

This is the big garden (and fortunately not my responsibility, or I would cry). The guys are ‘handling’ it. The weeds say otherwise.

The jasmine tree and the roommate’s garden. Because of a bad back injury that refuses to heal, I’ve been helping them on and off with it. And if you thought jasmine was supposed to stay a delightful little bush, AHAHAHAHAH. Yes, that’s a light-post next to it. For size comparison.

MY CHILDREN. Please ignore the dead soccer ball. That’d be a dog toy.

Lemon balm, amaranth, and a new bed that I’ll be finishing off during fall, for use next year. The lemon balm is a permanent row - it will overwinter just fine, and it will even keep growing through the mildest part of December. Mine didn’t die back until a few solid days of sleet in January. Unfortunately the weed fabric under the amaranth turned out to be an old roll, and fell apart on me (no big, the whole point is for it to fall apart eventually), so the weeds have kinda eaten it alive.

Unfortunately, both cucumber beetles and blister beetles love the amaranth. Fortunately, it does not seem to give a damn. It’s an incredibly resilient plant, not minding weeds, bugs, flood or drought. We’ll see what the grain actually tastes like, but so far it’s looking like a good candidate for continuous growing.

The lemon balm is lemon-balming. Planted on a lark, it’s proven to be a fantastic wind-breaker - because it grows so early and so quick, it keeps the colder winds that come down through the hollow from my more fragile seedlings, like the lettuce, dill and cilantro. You can see here where the spent flower-heads are dying but there’s new growth underneath; I really have to get in there and behead it. It makes nice hot tea, meh cold tea, and hanging fresh bunches of it around the balcony keeps the skeeters off. It also seems to be a decoy for cabbage moths.

Canary Zinnia. The seed was sent to me as a gift with one of my seed orders, and this is my first year growing it. -If- I can save some, I’ll definitely be sharing and growing again. It’s a lovely plant, very sturdy, and the bees love it.

Dwarf Castor Oil. I don’t think there’s anything dwarf about it, but then I’m a short green witch myself, so maybe it’s all about perspective. Don’t let the pods lie to you, until they dry the spikes are relatively soft. However, it being castor oil, I don’t recommend it to anyone with ducks, chickens, goats, or anything that might accidentally try talking a nibble or pecking at the beans. I do, however, recommend them from jewelry if you know how to pierce things and so on. They are a gorgeous tiger-stripe pattern.

Say hello to the chard! Say goodbye to the chard! Nothing else, absolutely nothing else since the limas, has given me so much trouble. The deer love getting into my chard bed and destroying it (ergo all the forks). And once I managed to chase those off, the blister beetles showed up in force. This will be the last year I grow it - we just don’t eat enough of it to make it worth my while, and it only occasionally sold at the Farmers’ Market.

Red lettuce - Merlot and Lollo Vino, a combination of bought and saved seed. I planted a red romaine of some sort, too, but unsurprisingly it bolted in the heat. The darker reds of my favorites, though, keep bugs off them, keep deer from noticing them, and keep them from bolting. It’s just now threatening to, and at this point its kind of allowed. I need more seed for next year. Seed for this will likely be shared by the teaspoon-ful.

Calendula! I searched for a long time to find the plain ol’ calendula officinalis ancestor, rather than a cultivar where I would have no way of knowing if the medicinal principles would have been sacrificed for looks. It’s supposed to work well as poor man’s saffron (color, no taste), and I’m going to be soaking the heck outta my feet on it during winter. The plant is... not pretty. It gets leggy and the leaves get grotty very quickly. But it’s very sturdy and as long as you cut the flowerheads off as fast as you can, it’ll keep blooming until well into winter. I usually leave it to go to seed around late September.

Green cilantro seeds. You pick ‘em when they’re brown, but before they drop off the plant. Or you pick ‘em when they’re brown-ing, and put them in a paper bag so they’ll finish ripening there and you don’t end up with fifty wild cilantro plants in your garden >_> Most of the row is already gone, and I’ll be putting in a late dill crop in its place. No such thing as too  much dill!

Don’t let lemongrass lie to you. Unless you tie it up, it will not grow up neat and tidy, as most grass does. Instead it will sprawl like a dramatic wilting Elizabethan lady and do its best to end up under your feet so you’ll feel bad about it. I just tie it up with a half-blade of grass; it dries up and withers away before it can hurt the plant.

I ordered pennyroyal seed because... Well, because it’s something one should have on hand, considering the way the world is going. What I got was Creeping Pennyroyal, which doesn’t care if you step on it (mint family), smells absolutely delightful, and has the most adorable, tiny purple flowers. I plan on harvesting, drying and sprinkling it everywhere in the crawlspace under the house. Making war on cave crickets, wood roaches, and other such sundries, me.

The thyme and Spicy Oregano took a beating in the heat, but they’re slowly bouncing back. The bed behind them is more pennyroyal, desperately in need of weeding, but there’s only one of me, y’know.

SIGH. Just. You absolute, ill-mannered monster of a creature. That would be horseradish, gloriously happy to be alive, as horseradish should be. Also, NOT IN ITS BASKET. Because never mind the rules, I guess.

I don’t even know how I’m gonna dig that up come winter. With some construction equipment, I GUESS. 

Decorative gourd! It’s the only one producing so far, but being the seed was 10+ years old, I’m very pleased.

And an apple gourd (I think?), from a mixture of drying gourds that was only slightly less ancient. Snake, apple and birdhouse gourds. There’s a bunch of them competing in the basket at this point, we’ll see what we will see.

And this, I think, is a great use of a dead canopy frame (the dogs ate the canopy. No, I’m not making it up.) I hope to coax the gourds to grow me a lil’ roof so I can sit in shade, surrounded by pennyroyal anti-skeeter barriers, eating my maters.

My Peter Peppers (nrehehehehe) aren’t producing yet - it takes them a while. But my Chinese 5-Color are getting started. It’s a lovely pepper, both edible and ornamental, with (so I’m told) about four times the heat of a Jalapeno. They’re tiny, with deep purple undertones to the plant. They’ll go purple-white-yellow-orange-red.

The bullhorns, on the other hand, are fairly sizable SWEET peppers on very tiny plants, and I honestly suggest staking them while they’re young so they grow a sturdy trunk, else you might end up with all of them growing at a slant.They’re just now beginning to turn colors. Keeping in mind I’m virulently allergic to peppers (less so sweet than hot, but allergic to all of them), the roommate loves ‘em.

It’s a small pepper bed - mainly to refresh my seed on the hots, and to grow sweets for the roommate. Pardon the nekked bed, the autumn lettuce hasn’t sprouted yet. And yes, that’s a mixed basil/dill bed next to it. My basil grew in patchy holes (NEVER buying from those seed people again), so I filled the holes with dill. Unfortunately, dill seed heads are so fine that they’re hard to photograph well.

The tomato row. After arguing with them for this long, I went the extra mile. Every plant has a metal stake. There’s also a double line growing at the top supporting the stakes so they don’t fall over. And they still fell over. Because why not, you unruly children, why not.

Green, white, pink and brown cherry tomatoes. Delicious!

Two kinds of cucumbers, some of the only decent shots of the dill seed-heads, and a special guest hiding in the shade. I usually plant dill as soon as the cucumber sprouts, to keep cucumber beetles off it. Otherwise I’d have no cucumbers and a lot of fat beetles.

The Muncher is a small cucumber, somewhat delicate. It’s very sensitive to temperature changes, and it’s candy to cucumber beetles - basically, it’s impossible to grow it without a heavy curtain of dill, or a heavy duty decoy. This year I got lucky enough to have both. It’s also delicious pickled, keeping its crunch and getting a good ooomph in flavor.

The Japanese Long is, as the name implies, long. It’s also incredibly bitey, and absolutely scrumptious. It’s sweet! And unlike the average cucumber, it does not go metallic when salted.

And now for the SPECIAL CHILD OF MY HEART. Seriously. I have been lusting after Blue Tea Peas since I first saw them offered, and every single time they’d be sold out pretty much the day of. This year I finally got some and... remember me mentioning that freak freeze that killed the peach blossoms? Yeah. Guess what it also killed. But two plants soldiered on. I have them heavily shielded by the cucumbers, dill and chamomile, and really I have no words for the blue. Pics don’t do it justice. I won’t have the tea this year, I’m saving as much seed as I can, but I am so pleased to have it at all!

 Last, but not least, and it’s a poor shot of it, the chamomile. I cannot drink chamomile to sleep - it does put me to sleep, but it also gives me bad dreams. I plan on using it as a skin wash for all the bug bites, along with the calendula, and to give me some respite from dry skin during winter.

Stay green! See you in fall! Now back to our normal schedule of frogs, cats and nekked men!

[98prilla]

Abductions, Past and Present

Next

Previous

AO3

...

He knocks on the door softly, wincing at the startled yelp he hears from the other side, but he hears a ‘come in’ before he can apologize. He peeks open the door, and it takes him a moment to find Remus, who is sitting in the corner of the room, knees pulled to his chest, to the left of the door.

 “I brought you some pancakes.” He starts simply. “Would you like the door open, or closed if I intend on staying in here with you?” He asks, not missing Remus’s surprised consideration at the question. He knows well enough the importance of choices.

 “closed is fine.” Remus says after a moment, and he nods, closing the door softly. He slides the plate of pancakes across the floor to Remus, grabbing a spare blanket and wrapping it around his shoulders as he settles in the corner opposite Remus, idly looking around the room, careful not to make Remus feel stared at or watched.

 “They taste great, by the way. The pancakes. And I know Patton enjoyed the company.” He comments, noticing how Remus’s shoulders tense a bit, though he does take a bite of food, savoring the fluffiness and heavenly sweetness of syrup. In only a few minutes, the plate is slid back across the room to Janus, who sets it aside.

 “you didn’t need to come check on me.” Remus mumbles, and he hums for a moment, thinking.

 “I didn’t. And I will leave if you want. Tell the others you’re just resting, and to leave you alone, if you like.” Remus considers for a moment, before shaking his head, resting it atop his knees. He relaxes back against the wall, stretching out his legs and looking up at the ceiling, letting Remus set the pace.

 “I was excited. And I yelled. And I asked for something.” Janus tilts his head to show he’s listening, but still doesn’t look away from the ceiling, knowing the weight of a gaze is not welcome.

 “you did. And while it did startle everyone, it made all of us happy, to see you happy about something.” He replies evenly.

 “I’m not allowed to be loud. It gets me in trouble. Which really means it gets Roman in trouble. It means… it means he gets hurt. I know… I know it’s not like that anymore, but… but I still expect it, I can’t… I can’t not.” He lets out a low breath, nodding, finally tilting his head so he’s looking at Remus.

“I know. I was younger, and alone, but I can imagine, if they’d stolen one of my nest mates along with me, how hard I would cling to them as my life line, how hard I would fight to keep them safe. I learned obedience quickly, with the help of their tools” he spits the word, “though pain was unavoidable.” He can still feel the needle sharp jolts of pain over every inch of what was once scales, his flesh torn and raw and red, each one meticulously plucked from his skin for some fine lady’s jewelry or a rich man’s fancy cape, the type of pain that didn’t even hurt after a day, just made his stomach roil and his balance lopsided, ill and feverish and weak from it.

 “I suppose they took better care of me than they did you. I wasn’t a lab rat, and they couldn’t afford to lose me. They fed me well so my scales would stay shining and bright, would always tend to my injuries carefully so they would grow back in well after every pluck. Lots of IV’s, to keep me hydrated and get nutrients in me.”

 “how often?”

 “Once every month, month and a half. I was eight, when they grabbed me. I was 21 when they got me out.” Remus lets out a low whistle at that, the silence lingering for a moment, and he can feel Remus studying him, debating something in the silence.

 “how… did you stop? Forgetting where you are, I mean. Or… knowing where you are and just… not being able to believe it?” He sighs, letting his eyes meet Remus’s, a small, bitter smile on his lips.

 “you don’t, really. I’m still expecting something to go to hell, and somedays I can’t leave my room, convinced for some reason that if I walk out I’ll see the hospital white halls. Some nights I still wake up, thrashing and screaming, and some nights I don’t sleep at all, and some days I cannot stand to have anyone touch me. It comes and it goes. It just… comes less and stays for shorter amounts of time, the longer I’m here with people I trust.”

 “that fucking sucks.” Remus mumbles softly, picking at his shirt. He shrugs.

 “yeah. But it’s still better than the real thing. And everyone knows to respect whatever boundaries I lay down, no matter how often they shift and change from day to day. You won’t get in trouble for allowing someone the privilege of touching you one day, then saying no touch the next. Or allowing one person touch, but denying another. I know me saying it doesn’t just magically let you believe it, but they’ll show it to you, over time. Because every time you say something, or ask for something, or get loud and excited, and expect that punishment? It won’t come. Until you start to believe them when they say it won’t ever.”

 Remus meets his eyes again, for longer this time, once again on the brink of saying something, but unsure if he can cross that precipice. He knows that feeling, hell, he probably knows all the exact things going through Remus’s mind right now, because they’ve sped through his own a thousand times.

 “so if… if I wanted touch now… you wouldn’t just pat me on the back or something later, when… when I’m not expecting it?” Remus finally asks, though he can tell it’s a precursor to what he really wants. Still, he’ll never push. He just nods.

 “Yes. And if you did want touch it would also be ok if you only wanted a specific kind of touch. Hand holding, arm around the shoulders, full on cuddling, that kind of thing. It is always open and up to you to decide what you are and are not ok with. You can always ask for more. Likewise, you can always ask for less, if you decide something is too much.” He answers, trying to keep his voice soft and purely informational, trying to make this easier.

 He's surprised when Remus nods decisively once, takes a deep breath, then scoots across the floor to him, carefully settling against him so that their sides are touching. Somehow he expected to be the one to go to Remus, not the other way around. He��s almost afraid to move, afraid to scare Remus away.

 “have… have you ever gone back? To your home planet?”

 “Once. Just to see. It was strange, being there. It felt right but… empty. So much of who you are as a Naga is built on what nest you’re from, what family in that nest you belong to, and I don’t have any of that. I was an outsider in my own home. It… hurt, but I think I needed it to. I had already planned on staying aboard, I just had to make sure.” Remus nods.

 “I miss home. I wonder what movies have come out, what my friends grew up to be, what my parents are doing now. If they stayed together or got divorced, or maybe had more kids, or maybe adopted. I could see that. They always wanted to foster. But we can’t even check, can we? That’s not the rules for Earth.”

 “no. they aren’t.” He replies. Earth is just starting to open up to aliens, just starting its space exploration, just a baby in the grand scheme of space, and thus heavily regulated, both by the planet itself and other universal aid to keep other planets from interfering in Earth’s development. No, returning home for the brothers is impossible, at least for the foreseeable future.

 Remus rests his head on his shoulder with a sigh, and he is once again terrified to move, to scare the skittish human away.

  “Logan said we’ll be touching down somewhere in a few days. I’m going to lose it as soon I step outside, I know it. I’m trying to brace myself already, trying to remember what real sun feels like, what wind or grass or trees even look like, what solid ground feels like, and I can’t. How pathetic is that? Ten years of my life, I spent outside every second I could, and now I can barely remember what outside is.”

 “Lose it, then. Scream and cry and pound the ground and punch a tree and laugh while sobbing like a maniac. It’ll make you feel better, extremely satisfying, really.” He replies, remembering his first time off ship. He’d just sat on the ground in the sun, just crying. Just endlessly crying. Remus lets out a small snort, gently bumping his shoulder against him.

 “I’m sure that would go over well with the locals. ‘Oh that? That’s just the human, losing his shit, don’t worry, he probably won’t break your shit or kill any of you, though he is half feral.’ I’m sure that would put their minds right at ease.” He simply shrugs again.

 “Fuck ‘em. I can move faster than nearly any other species, and I’ll bite whoever wants to even think of trying something. It’s a small planet, yes, but a common way fair point for smaller ships like ours. Smuggling isn’t uncommon in the galaxies, Remus, and they’ve seen their fair share of refugees. We wouldn’t be taking you somewhere you wouldn’t be safe.” He softens, feeling Remus sigh.

 “I… know. That’s what’s hardest. Is knowing that I somehow trust all of you because it terrifies me, all the extra ways I could hurt cause of it. All the different ways any… any of you could hurt me.” He doesn’t say anything to that. There’s nothing he can say, that will ease Remus’s mind. Only time can do that, as painful as it is to see that doubt creep in, he knows it can’t be vanquished so easily. “could… could you… hold me?” Remus asks, voice small, and instantly he shifts, allowing Remus to slip onto his lap, wrapping the blanket around them both, one hand resting on Remus’s waist, the other gently stroking up and down his back.

 “Is this alright?” He murmurs softly, and Remus lets out a small, content hum, eyes drifting closed where his head rests against his chest. He smiles smally, humming softly, that lilting lullaby from his memories, watching Remus’s face finally relax as he fell fully asleep.

 Of course, now he couldn’t move, stuck as he was with a human on his lap, not that he minded, really. It felt… nice, having someone curled against him, his own temperature rising to cozily warm as Remus’s supplied extra to compensate for his colder body temp, it felt… natural.

 This is how Naga were supposed to sleep. Curled up together, piled on top of each other, tangled around each other, and it had been a long, long time since he let anyone hold him, not even Patton, despite his intrinsic need for touch. He avoided it like the plague most of the time, because he couldn’t stand to have a taste of it, only to lose it again.

 But now, Remus is curled in his lap, and his senses are on fire, and he feels warm, and whole, and full, in an aching, needy sort of way, and he knows that plan is out the window, hurtling into the dark abyss of space, because this is absolutely pure bliss, and he finds himself snuggling closer to Remus, resting his head in Remus’s hair with a soft sigh.

 Yes. Remus reminds him far, far too much of himself, for either of their own goods.

[hildorien]

I am in the minority but I’d love to know more about the pre-noldor elvish edain culture, history, and just life. 

I wanna know more about men in the context of men, I wanna see history through human eyes without the elvish perspective. 

I wanna know the full experiences of all humans in middle earth not the ones the elves interacted with. And if you have to have elves, I wanna hear about what humans thought of elves that isnt ‘oh they are so perfect and amazing and beautiful uwu’, because that’s kind of boring and we can all agree first age elves? on the whole? pretty shitty. (I love em but they have one brain cell to share among them and fuck up on the regular). 

I wanna see Humans who were born into a dumpster fire that is the world of arda, these are a people who didn’t get Orome leading them to heaven on earth, they got Morgoth. These are a people who lived in Morgoth’s land for centuries who probably experienced horror and oppression from basically their species infancy. Unlike the elves of valinor, or even the Sindarin protected by Melian, horror and despair would have not been their abnormal, it would be their everyday.  But they aren’t broken, they survive. They make families, connections, lives in this wasteland. They adapt and change, because I think in some ways that is the race of men’s true advantage over elves. That we don’t have a gap on our ‘greatness’ persay, humanity’s ambitions get’s mutated into greed a lot (I mean numenor is a dumspter fire for a reason) but I think that human ambition is a strength because it means we don’t accept our circumstances. The Edian sure didn’t. 

The edain, the Boerians, the people of haleth, and the hadorians, all marched themselves out of morgoth’s land hoping for something better, with NO GUARANTEE they find anything better.  But they still did it. And while we are here, let’s talk about how the race of men has not guarantee of anything, like elves (and dwarves) kind of know where they end up. They go to Mandos and get reborn, they go to aule, respectively. Men...don’t have that. Men really didn’t get anything (but Morgoth and suffering). They leave this world forever, thats what they know. Thats what they are told. 

But no one knows what the means. (Personally, I think its like a good place situation kind of. Eru is just michael and turin is janet) 

But anyway back to the POINT, (if there ever was one) the edain end up finding beleriand but beleriand isn’t the paradise they wanted. But hey, its not morgoth so let’s celebrate said the beorians before promptly getting found by finrod. And look elves did a lot of good for humans, but I also think there is this really bad dynamic of elves holding all the power and men just being in it for the ride. 

Ive made the joke that the elves of the first age are kind of like the edian’s sugar daddies but it’s kind of true. They give them land and like ‘wisdom’ (whatever the fuck that means) and in return men give them their ever increasing numbers. The Silm is a very elven story we don’t really get a lot of human, but when we do I think it’s pretty interesting. Because the relationship between Elves and Men is really uneven in the first age...and all ages even though in later ages forces of men like numenor at their height could I think easily sweep the floor with the elves of the second age combined. I think culturally Elves give a lot more, like men end up picking up their language, though im one hundred percent sure human languages didn’t die out and never do, humans must have shit talked elves a LOT in taliska (oh yes, that is the name of at least the language spoken by the hadorians and beorians, the people of haleth spoke a different dialect) and I think a lot of humans give more in resources (aka men, power, infantry). I mean personally if I was having at a guess I don’t think (as the latecomers) men got very many places to actually farm and have good land and relied on elvish goods to survive. I think this unevenness kind of spurred this idea that ‘elvishness = superior’, so to make this full circle I think a lot of pre edain culture was lost to make place for diet pepsi version of elf culture that we see human cultures like numenor and gondor have, because that’s better than their orn because elves are SPECIal BETTER AND DON’T DIE LIKE US BROKEN AND FALLEN PEOPLE.  ((screams)) 

Okay let’s talk about the death thing. Human and Mortal and Men all mean the same thing, humans die is not a statement that should be up for debate. But the humans of edain, at least from what we see of Andreth is that this was not how it always was. Humans were once immortal like the elves until they were bad and listened to morgoth and then they became mortal and all sick and ew. 

yeahhhh, I don’t think thats true. I think in-universe its a great myth. I love finrod ah andreth for this reason (also andreth is tolkien’s best female character he ever created and the fact that she’s not in the published silm is why we are in the bad timeline) , but I think humans...always were mortal. 

And thats okay. 

We talked about human ambition above, I think that is fueled by the fact that we all die. We have a timer, so we have to do things now, and that’s not a bad mindset to have. I think it gets humjans into trouble but also, imagine your a human in beleriand, you have children, a family, they might have children someday you want to do what you need to do to make sure THEY have a chance. 

(also lets talk about the fucked up fact that humans are punished for lsitening to morgoth in the first place like im sorry that humans didnt have any other valar looking for them, there was no orome, no fucking chance that they could have met anyone else because no valar came for them only morgoth with his lies so yes humans are bad for listening to the only god like entity that seemed like he wanted to help them, the elves did that too but they had nice gods so they are wise while humans who have illness and sickness and death over their heads listen to a guy with power okay jirt i see your double fuckig stnarad and its STUPID) 

And you can’t wait for that chance, so you leap. I think this is best illustrated by Turin of all people. Turin gets called elvish a lot in looks but in actions, he, like most of his family, are allllllllll human. The bridge in nargothrand even though it’s stupid and ends up horribly kind of reminds me of this. Turin doesn’t have time to wait like Gwindor, and Orodreth, etc do. his people have already been fucking disomated, he’s lost his father, his mother is trapped in enemy territory.  He wants to help. 

Sure it blows up in his face, but yknow...the want to do good is there. 

I think on the whole humans get a bad rep...like they’re called stupid and dumb and ugly by both fandom and in universe elves alike. But I don’t think that’s the case. Humans have a lot more balls and have collectively been through more trauma as a species than I think all of the elves (especially valinorian) elves combined. I think when humans fuck up, whether it be turin or numenor, it’s proof of their incompetence, that their inante (eru-given ability) to have ambition to seek beyond the world they live in for something better for something more is evil and they should be more like the elves, stagnant, already at the height of ‘perfection’, never changing....instead of being humans. Like look at these fools trying to act like than can be GOOD at something, sit down and let these elves be best at everything obviously. How many of you would look at me funny if I said, maybe the race of men was BETTER THAN THE ELVES AT SOMETHING? A lot of you im sure, and someone would have a rebuttle for how I was wrong and how this elf was considered the best. 

(like that post going around how could turin actually be #that pretty to thot his way through all of beleriand? Maybe he just Was like that, sure he may have a little elvish ness but honestly I think that be a funny thing elves say to cover up the fact some elves found a icky human was actually just that fucking hot, because obviously humans could never be that actually hot ever, not to intangle a sindarin mast of a guard, a NOLDORIAN VANYAR-DESSCENT PRINCESS, ect) 

Also just to go back to numenor, ever want an example of why it doesnt work for men to act like elves...look at numenor, early numenor was as elvish as humans could produce....but then they got bored. And then numneor became an empire and everyone eventually had so much of a bad time, eru reshaped the fucking world just to wipe the valar’s ‘humans but better’ ocs off the face of the planet. Like just to stray off topic I personally think men can’t go to valinor 1) because the two trees are actually nuclear, and the whole damn island is chernobyl instant death right there and thats why the valinor elves are like #that (they GLOW for gods shake) 2) the monotonous never changing perfection of valinor while amazing in the short term for humans would eventually drive them crazy. Not to say that the race of men doesn’t like some peace and quite or even humans (like myself) can be obverse to change, even I can admit doing the same thing ever day would drive me crazy. 

This got super rambly, but its been a lot of thoughts Ive been having for a long ass time. Basically, I just want people to talk to me about the atani, edian, race of men, whatever you want to call them. They deserve a lot better and a lot more respect than just playing a supporting role to the elves. 

They didn’t kill all those dragons to be ignored like this. 

[sweetteaanddragons]

Adventures in Matchmaking (A “Can’t Time Travel Without ‘em” Story)

There was a time when all Fingolfin had had to say to anyone on his family on the topic of marriage was that he hoped they’d someday find someone who made them as happy as his wife made him. 

He missed those days.

Feanor had been joking about the matchmaking being his problem, probably, but Fingolfin had sat down to think it all through, just to be safe.

Feanor’s branch of the family was fine. The only offspring any of them had managed was Celebrimbor, who was safely born and on his way to adulthood. While he supposed it was possible that one or more of them might give Feanor more grandchildren this time, Fingolfin wasn’t worried about gaining additional family members. He just didn’t want to lose any.

HIs own house was another matter. Idril was safely born, thank goodness, and it was a long time before she would meet Tuor, but he’d have to keep an eye out in the meantime to make sure no one wiped out anyone key in Tuor’s family line.

Which would be a lot easier if he knew more about Tuor’s family line than House of Hador. He’d just . . . have to hope for the best on that one, he supposed, and then throw his full support behind Idril if her father got twitchy about her marrying a human.

Maeglin was the real problem, though.

Given his daughter’s long search for Maeglin in the halls and refusal to leave without him, he was pretty sure that given full knowledge of the choice between Maeglin existing and Maeglin not existing, she’d take the former in an instant. Fingolfin was not opposed to this. Maeglin had done a terrible thing, yes, but there had been at least an element of coercion, and if they started getting rid of family members on that basis, they’d hardly have any family members left.

The problem was Eol.

Aredhel had refused to talk about her marriage for the most part, which was understandable, given how it had ended. She had refused to search Eol out, but she had refused to hear much ill spoken about him either. She just . . . hadn’t spoken of him.

There could be no Maeglin without Eol, but Fingolfin wasn’t about to let his daughter get tangled up in a marriage that would lead to unhappiness.

Alright. So Eol was necessary. His marriage to Aredhel was necessary. Eol being a terrible husband was unacceptable.

Well, they had a few centuries. Surely that was enough time to track down Eol and beat his character into a better state.

Daydreaming about the beating part of that process being rather literal cheered him up considerably. It was a plan, at least. He’d do his best with it. 

That just left Finarfin’s branch of the family.

Finduilas was already on the way, so that was one worry down. Galadrial hadn’t met Celeborn yet, but Celebrian wasn’t due for another Age; there was a large safety zone there.

No, the problem on Finarfin’s family tree was Elrond and Elros. 

He’d already thought through getting Earendil born; the problem was going to be getting Elwing. By all accounts, Beren and Luthien had barely survived their first go around, but he could at least hope their Doom was strong enough to withstand a minor thing like time travel.

The main concern there . . . assuming Beren’s ancestors survived long enough to produce him and that Beren survived long enough to meet Luthien . . . was whatever quest Thingol would assign Beren. Presumably it would be different this time, although if Thingol did still request a Silmaril, Fingolfin would be happy to give him one on the condition that he got to go along and chuck the thing at Thingol’s head.

. . . Which was a terrible idea that was nonetheless intensely satisfying to think about.

Anyway.

Presumably, though, Thingol would ask for something equally stupidly dangerous. If Fingolfin heard about it in time, he could invite himself along to help on the excuse that . . . Well, surely someone in Beren’s family would still do something useful for someone in Fingolfin’s family at some point. Failing that, Fingolfin could claim to be either a big supporter of young love or a big supporter of annoying Thingol, depending on the diplomatic situation at the time.

So that would get them Dior, hopefully, but frankly, all Fingolfin knew about Dior and Nimloth was who their parents were, who their kids were, that they’d owned a Silmaril, and that they’d killed some of his nephews and then been killed by the rest. He had no idea what had attracted them to each other. He’d just have to hope it would still be present.

If it was, that would give them Elwing.

Who would presumably (hopefully) not be a refugee this time. She’d be in Doriath. A Doriath that might still have the Mantle if they managed to keep Thingol from getting himself killed. 

How was she supposed to meet Earendil?

Later, he told himself firmly. He’d worry about those details later. That was about as far ahead as he could plan. They’d meet somehow, he’d make sure of it if he had to kidnap one of them, and that would get Elrond and Elros born. There would be plenty of time to get Elrond and Celebrian together, presuming he could keep Elrond alive long enough. Elros . . . he didn’t even know who Elros had married. Elros was on his own. If in a couple of ages Elrond started getting concerned about his daughter being interested in one of her many times removed cousins named Aragorn, he’d know it had worked out. If not . . . He had no idea.

So that was ever-

No. No, it wasn’t everyone. He’d forgotten Gil-Galad.

What he was supposed to do about Gil-Galad, he had no idea, since all of his children had either been genuinely ignorant or else supremely unwilling to share where the boy had actually come from.

Fingolfin wasn’t even entirely certain he was related by blood to the man. It was entirely possible someone had - found? adopted? kidnapped? created him from scrap metal and spare gears in a fit of boredom? - acquired him in something other than the usual way. If that was the case, and his original parents survived this time, he could still exist but under an entirely different name.

Maybe someone had told Finarfin something. Or Feanor. If any of Feanor’s sons had known, surely they would have been willing to tell their father given everything else they had done for the man.

Of course, that was assuming Feanor had asked, something Fingolfin rather doubted.

He’d manage. Somehow. He was going to drag this family into existence if he had to stab Morgoth in the face and write love letters under fake names to do it.

One of those potential scenarios was a lot more disturbing than the other, and it wasn’t the one that involved stabbing, but Fingolfin was willing to do it.

[masterserris]

FUNERAL FOR A MAGICIAN    Pt.12 Discombobulate

Coming back from the dead, isn’t easy on anyone. Beck is struggling with himself, as is the rest of the team.

Characters: Neo Mysterio (Quentin Beck), Doc Ock (Otto Octavius), Spider-Man (Peter Parker), Alexandria Beck (Alex), Maria Beck, Sandman (Flint Marko), Chameleon, Electro, Rhino

Warnings: Explicit gore and death, violence, mentions of past abuse, mental illness, physical illness

^These warnings are here for the story as a whole. If you get invested by reading a less graphic chapter, then be prepared for the warnings above in other parts!!

(This chapter is fairly light hearted!)

It had been two full weeks since Beck had come back from the dead. Adjusting had been... difficult. The Avengers patiently waited for a sign. Was Beck going to turn over a new leaf and stray away from villainy, or was he going to destroy his second chance? They had pardoned all of his crimes for his heroic sacrifice. He could go back and live with Alex in peace. He could become famous. He could even become an Avenger with a little work and great showing of change and growth. Perhaps only time would tell. 

For the moment, the Sinister Six stayed off the map. Spider-Man kept a very close eye out for any evidence of them, but Otto was extremely elusive. Even though he had recently been to their base, he could not find it again. It was truly a disappearing act, the kind Mysterio used to greatly enjoy as a prank, but this seemed far more serious than simply a base move. They were planning something BIG and everyone wanted to get to the bottom of it. 

Come hell or high water, Beck was going to see Octavius’s plan through until the end. Rhino could live free with his wife, Sandman and Electro could get cured, Chameleon could be free of his past, and Beck could remake himself into a new man. Otto’s life goal and work was worth it. The whole world would know the name “Otto Octavius,” come hell or high water. It was worth throwing away his life again. 

At least that’s how it was for Beck. To be honest he still felt... Off. Not fully there and alive. Sure, he had a fully human body again, but it wasn’t the same. Perhaps it also had him feeling a bit... Powerful. The fact that not even dying could stop him was a little intoxicating. With Otto’s advances in health care, it was possible to clone a new body and simply save a quantum copy of his mind and place it into a new life at any time. 

Given all of this, however, Beck was still in an abysmal mood and slumped further into a depressive state, but there was something he needed to do. His sister had her operation and was pronounced cancer free. She would need to keep an eye out for it in the future, but for now, the stars had aligned and the Beck family was free from imminent destruction for once. This was the prime opportunity to pay her a nice visit.

                                              --------------------------------

It took him all night to fly to the midwest. He had to often fly slower and lower to the ground than commercial jets to avoid detection. Luckily he was rather quiet flier. He had sent a message to his sister, letting her know he was coming and a message to Otto telling him when he would return. 

With a quiet knock on her front door in the early hours of the morning, Quentin was welcomed in with an abrupt hug. She had not seen him after his resurrection. It had been far too long.

Alex: “Agh, you idiot,” she huffed, still holding him tight. 

He was stunned at first, but gently hugged her back, and they headed inside.  He pulled off his helmet and set it on the couch. It was not Mysterio who entered her house that day, but rather her lost brother who needed his sister’s love once more. 

She had been preparing breakfast for the three of them, to which he gratefully accepted and even offered to help.

Quentin: “Here, add some chives to the eggs. It tastes way better.”

She looked at him confusedly for a moment, then shrugged and continued to peel an apple.

Alex: “Heh, since when did YOU of all people learn to cook?”

Quentin laughed sheepishly.

Quentin: “Haha, well, Otto’s been sharing some of his mother’s recipes with me... and in my free time I’ve been binge watching cooking shows.. and reading... I thought it was high time I tried something new...”

She narrowed her eyes at him playfully and gave him a wry smile.

Alex: “You were always hot garbage at cooking, so when you offered to help, I was planning on watching you fail spectacularly, then jumping in to save the day. I guess this is your chance to prove me wrong, oh master chef.”

Quentin: “Oh screw you, hahah! Sure, I was bad, but not THAT bad...”

Alex: “....................................you once burned a piece of fish so bad I had to throw out the pan entirely.”

Quentin: “SHUTUP!” 

He couldn’t keep a straight face and nor could she.

In truth, he wanted to get good at cooking to impress her. To show her he was working on himself. That perhaps someday, they could all get away from their past.

With the smell of scrambled eggs and fruit tarts, the sound of laughter and sizzling food, Maria Beck came down stairs, still in her onesie pajamas. She was holding a plushie of her uncle Mysterio in his costume that he had sewed together for her birthday. She rubber her eyes and ran up to the table in excitement.

Alex: “Bedhead! Now you finally wake up?”

Quentin: “And with Little Mysty, I see? How have you been taking good care of me?”

Maria: “He got ripped once, but mommy sewed ‘em back up... She said it was a.... battle scawrr?”

Quentin shook his head laughing, as Alex’s face went red with embarrassment.

Alex: “Yes well, you seem to get a lot of those so it’s FINE,” she said as she thwapped his shoulder with a hand towel.

Quentin: “H-hey!! I didn’t say anything!! Hahah.”

Alex: “Youdidn’thaveto, youlittletwerp!!”

With breakfast made, they all sat together. Quentin was content to simply listen to the pair of them catch him up to speed with their lives. It was the happiest he’d been in a long while. But sooner or later, he would have to head back... and face the music of the life he’s lived. He could choose to stay here. Forever. Renounce villainy for good. Be free of his burden.

But that would mean forsaking Otto, and that was impossible for him to do.

His heart was heavy with this knowledge, but he hoped more than anything that once this was over, he could return here. That he could simply cook every day for them. Take up a new business in special effects. Put his master’s degree to good use. Maybe even be the hero that he so desperately needed as a kid to those who also needed someone like that. The future was uncertain, but he needed to push forwards anyways. There were people who needed him.

But for now, he would enjoy breakfast.

                                            ---------------------------------

Alex: “Alright, kiddo, go upstairs and get dressed, you gotta go to school today. The bus will be here in 20 minutes, so hop to it!”

With that Maria, ran upstairs as the two siblings cleaned up. 

Alex: “I.... suppose you have to get back soon, don’t you?” She asked sadly.

He nodded silently.

Quentin: “But forget that. I’m staying. At least until 1pm. I won’t be here when Maria gets home, but I think Doc can wait just a few extra hours.”

Alex beamed at him, eternally grateful for this one day together.

Quentin hugged Maria before she hurried off to school and wished her a wonderful time. For the rest of the day, Alex and Quentin spoke in earnest as they watched a movie, both picking apart plot holes and bad acting. It was a great day, but all good things must come to an end. 

Soon, Quentin said his goodbyes with one final hug. Even if he was unsure about his new life, he thought it was all worth it just for this one moment of bliss.

                                            ---------------------------------

By nightfall, he returned to base, and with his return followed his gloom. While the time he had spent back at home was truly wonderful, he was now back into the thick of his misery. No one, save for Otto even noticed he was gone.

The only members of the Sinister Six outside of Otto that seemed to bother trying to understand Beck’s pain were Sandman and Chameleon, with the latter being the silent supportive type. It was not that Electro and Rhino did not care at all, it was just that they did not know how to handle such a situation. That, and with what they were going through themselves? It was not such an insensitive thing to do to avoid further pain. No one there had an easy time in life..

Chameleon was the kind of person who merely would sit next to you when you were lonely, or randomly leave a gift on your bed without a card or note. He was the man of a million faces, but outside of acting like another person he simply found it hard to show how he truly felt and let his actions do the talking. Perhaps it had something to do with his assassin’s training and harsh history, his cold precision, or perhaps he was simply always like that. No one truly knows.

Flint Marko, on the other hand, was a regular man before his accident. He understood what it meant to lose one’s identity. Their life. To be separated from their loved ones. Perhaps most of the Sinister Six had a connection to that sort of loss, however Marko was not afraid to wear his emotions on his sleeve. If he was upset, he would let you know about it. And if you were upset, he would do his best to try and help out, no matter what.

                                               ----------------------------

Seeing Beck being so quiet, Marko simply knew that he was still torn up on the inside. After one of their group meetings, he pulled Beck aside for a little “chat.”

Flint: “C’mon, we’re goin’ out, Beck.”

Quentin: “W-wh- Why? The mission isn’t until the 30th. We should lie low.”

Flint: “Yeah? So? We won’t get spotted. Ock has nuthin’ to worry ‘bout. Just switch into one a’ yer fancy black suits and let’s get goin’.”

With a confused look, Quentin merely complied. He was not about to argue with a dump truck full of sand.

                                                -----------------------------

It only took a few moments to compress his armor into a skin tight under suit, and a few more minutes to change into his rather dashing suit. He hadn’t worn it in a long while. A lifetime ago. 

He was set, and exited his room with Flint waiting just outside. Marko looked him over and sighed.

Flint: “Nice try, but get back inside. Mysterio doesn’t look like a disheveled wash up.”

Quentin: “What if Mysterio IS a disheveled wash up? HM?? What then?” Beck said as he narrowed his eyes sarcastically at Marko.

Flint: “Then Mysterio better get his act together because people care about him. Deep down, Mysterio prooooobably doesn’t wanna go out in public with helmet-head and extreme bags under his eyes, an’ he knows it. So get back in there, an’ fix yourself up more. It might be tedious an’ seemingly pointless at first, but ya know you’ll feel better when ya actually try to give a damn. You LIKED dressin’ up and lookin’ snazzy. So hop to it, or I’m gonna comb your hair FOR you an’ we all know how bad that’ll be.”

Beck relented at his friend’s threat. Nothing worse than having sand in your hair all night. Amusingly enough, Flint sounded like Beck’s own sister scolding him once more. To his credit, Marko was right. Fixing himself up did slightly improve his mood. This might not have worked with other people, but with Beck it did. Flint was just a people person, it seemed.

                                               ---------------------------

When Beck stepped out, he looked much better, and Marko nodded in approval.

Quentin: “You haven’t told me where we’re going, yet, you know. ..wait. What is that.” 

Beck pointed at Flint’s new clothes.

Flint: “Oh, this? Don’t worry ‘bout it. I just made my own suit outta sand. Gotta fit in, right? Chammy’s comin’ too, so ya won’t feel so alone. It’s a surprise trip, Beck, relax. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

They headed out the back entrance of the base, where Chameleon was waiting in one of their unmarked limos, with him disguised as the driver. Politely, Flint opened the door for Beck, before seating himself as well. Quentin was supremely confused and suspicious at this point. He had an idea what was in store, but he held his tongue and simply let things play out.

                                               ---------------------------

They soon arrived at Broadway. It was a busy night and when Beck looked out the window, he gasped and whispered “fuck off, no way.”

But there it was, one of his favorite theater troupes were performing The Phantom of the Opera, and Sandman had three tickets with him to see it. He handed Quentin his ticket, to which Beck gratefully accepted.

Quentin: “H-how the hell did you...? How did you get these? They sold out weeks ago. How did.. you know that I liked them?”

Marko: “A little birdy told me, now let’s get inside. Chammy’ll be right behind us.”

It was a full theater, and they had prime seats. They didn’t have much of a problem hiding in such a large crowd. That and Sandman changed the structure of his face a bit to avoid being recognized. Mysterio’s face was less well known, but for good measure he released a bit of his hologram gas to blend in. 

Sure enough, Chameleon joined them soon after, completely disguised as another person all together. The three of them sat and waited for the show to start, when Beck noticed who sat to his right. At first he didn’t pay much attention to the man in the black overcoat, sunglasses, and hat, but it is impossible to not recognize one’s best friend. Indeed, it was Otto that had set this up in the first place. He had ordered the tickets several months back, hoping to surprise his friend with something nice for once, instead of constantly plotting, fighting, and stealing things. He noticed Beck wasn’t doing too well and had hoped to cheer him up. When Beck died, however, Otto was shattered that his friend was gone and that also all of this effort was wasted. That Quentin would never have had the chance to see his favorite actors perform his favorite play.

Otto: “But you’re here now, and to us, that is all that matters. So let’s set everything aside, and enjoy ourselves tonight.”

Quentin merely beamed a rare, genuine smile at them and sat back. Fairly content for once. He had people who were there for him, and that was the best part.

Quentin: “I could see you and Chammy watching this with me, Doc, but you Marko? I didn’t think you were the kind of person who would enjoy this sort of thing...”

Flint: “Who cares? As long as it makes you feel good, then I feel good. An’ that’s that, so shaddup and watch the show.” He said with a chuckle.

Truly, for one night in a long while, Quentin Beck was happy spending time with his teammates. Nothing could take this from them. That was, until a certain photographer taking pictures for the Daily Bugle noticed them leaving.

And Parker was not about to let them escape.

[iamnotpayingthat]

As an adult, annoying people for no reason is ill-advised. However, annoying “people” or organizations that are technically in the wrong, (even if you are simultaneously in the wrong), well… I feel like that should all be fair game.

Real Quick: Not To State The Obvious, However, Please Keep The Following In Mind Prior To Reading:

Budgeting and healthy financial management is extremely important. Managing your monthly expenses by sticking to a budget will allow you to cover your basic needs/necessary expenses, save money, and invest.

Those three healthy financial practices basically make up the Holy Trinity of not ending ass-up in a dumpster one day.

Additionally, budgeting and planning allows for things like vacations, personal growth, and development (be that starting a business, taking classes, or retiring in style).

Anyway, on to the fun stuff!

Alright, so, you’re not perfect. You made some poor financial decisions. That’s okay! Who’s perfect? Nobody!

Maybe you never learned how to manage your money.

Maybe you’ve dealt with an addiction or got in over-your-head on a business venture or personal matter.

Maybe you’re simply garbaging around for your own amusement in the hopes of falsely attracting a sociopathic sugar daddy or mama only to lure them in by over-inflating their ego just long enough to then turn around and reject them with the hopes of insighting emotional ruin as payback for their preying on the low self esteem of the innocent and less fortunate? Don’t waste your time! They most-likely do not care because you are probably not hot enough and you’ll just be fueling the next strike on someone else.

Valiant, and hilarious effort though!

Whatever your reasons for financial woes, if you have debt, there are many ways to get that resolved. I’ll share some of the more-preferred, effective, and logical ways of getting yourself back on track and then if you keep reading I will give a few insane ideas at the very end to look into if you have just not a goddamn thing to lose.

First thing’s first: Have you considered bankruptcy?

Ugh. GHETTO, right? Not necessarily. A bankruptcy very well could be the absolute best option for you. Chapter 7 will essentially wipe your slate clean (aside from those pesky school loans) and other than a major ten-year credit report ding, declaring chapter 7 very well could give you the fresh start you need to get yourself together.

Super The Importantist: When declaring make sure you include all of your current outstanding debt. If you miss something, and the court does not have record of that debt in your bankruptcy case, you’re on the hook for it. Boo boo for you, for real!

Keep In Mind: With a chapter 7 you can lose possession of liquidatable (is that a word?) assets. If you own a business, vehicles, property, or paper investments please do consult a lawyer on all of this!!!

If you are just a garbage-picking dirt possum with not all that much to your name (hey whattup my peeps) and you don’t have a tremendous number of debts (total dollar amount is pretty much irrelevant), chapter 7 could be for you.

Also, do you owe some hillbilly nightmare money or did someone pay something off for you and now they’re a comin’ to hunt you down or hold it over your head for some reason? Fuck ‘em! Metaphorically, of course. Get documentation of the debt (which they need to provide in order to collect) and include that in your bankruptcy case. I have a few outstanding debts I could collect but I knowingly gave money to people with brains not fully-formed.

That’s my bad!

Anyway, there are no less than infinity websites and law firms out there who are waiting eagerly on the edge of their seat to charge you $800-$3,000 (on average) to file your bankruptcy for you. If you have the cash? Go. For. It.

“Yeah, hi? I have no money. That’s why I am declaring. Hello???”

I. Hear. You. Don’t sweat it. The fees are lower than that. In fact, here they are right here. Also, all of the necessary forms you need to fill out are located right here. Last thing? If you’re filing chapter 7 and can prove your complete worthlessness, fill out this form and get your fees waived!

Chapter 13 is simply a reorganization of your debt in which you will essentially pay a monthly bill to cure all of your debts at a major reduction from the original combined amount. This is a good option if you have assets you want to retain or a business tied to your personal finances.

Again, talk to a lawyer if you have a special circumstance or additional questions because I am just a wacky comedy writer sharing info. on the web.

Okay, Bankruptcy Seems Pretty Extreme. What About Debt Consolidation and Repair?

Good question!

This is essentially the honorable way out. However, you will pay for your good deeds. Often times quite handsomely!

These companies have relationships with financing bodies and debt collectors and simply contact them to negotiate a settlement in which your overall balance is reduced with the promise of regularly scheduled payments on the reduced amount and then charge you a fee. Essentially they take all your debts, combine them, and then you pay one monthly fee to pay them all down (and pay the debt consolidation and repair company). The benefit here is that while a chapter 13 would be on your credit report for ten years, these debts stay on your report, but show settled which *technically* “looks better” to potential lenders down the line (until the debts fall off your report regardless, which varies by state).

Here is the deal, though: You can contact your debt holders yourself and negotiate these settlements on your own, for free! If you do not have a tremendous number of debts and you are a fairly organized person who can keep track of all the settlements you negotiate and make your payments as promised, you will save yourself a tremendous amount of money. This option takes quite a bit of discipline and follow-up so this is possibly not the best option if you tend to be a frazzled whirlwind of a person, I am simply keeping it real. If you do have the time and organizational skills, below is a sample letter to send to your debt holders to begin the negotiations.

Stolen from www.communitydebtcc.com

Oh! BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!!!

Make sure you validate each and every debt you have! If you request a debt holder to prove the debt they say is yours and they fail to do so within 30 days… guess the fuck what? That’s not your debt anymore! Also, this is a good way to uncover any potential identity theft because if someone else put debt against your social security number, well, that’s just old fashioned breakin’ the law. Below is a sample letter you could send (registered mail, just in case they fail to provide verification of the debt within 30 days and they, like, they try to garnish your wages someday, you can prove they failed to validate your debt request and then counter sue the fuck out of them, yay the law!) in order to verify which debts you need to deal with.

Stolen from www.thebalance.com

Alright, well, you know what? It’s getting pretty late… I know I promised some insane shenanigans on annoying debt collectors at the end here, however, all of the options I’ve described above are extremely annoying to them as it is. And then, also, they are all things you have the right to do to protect yourself and your current and future finances.

So I guess I’ll wrap things up here.

If you have a unique situation or further questions, or you are being impossibly hounded (or even threatened • guess what • that’s extremely illegal • you just have to give even just a shred of proof of that and the hammer of justice will come swooping down pretty goddamn hard) please take a look at the Federal Trade Commission website (you can file consumer complaints, report identity theft, and access free resources) and the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau website where you can get questions answered, help with financial planning, and log complaints as well.

[unclejuho]

🚨 Weewoo weewoo 🚨 You've been held back by the love police! 👮 Say something nice to 10 of your mutuals and pass the message around 👮 Let's spread love not hate ❣️

ooaabhjdbhj this took me so long to answer but here i go!!! im late!!! and im repetitive!! but all these people make my heart go u*u

@jaevoon  ((((her name is liz?????))

liz,,, you were like the solid first person i came to talk to on tumblr bc of your stupid lizard youngbin ask n then made the greatest decision to watch about time with the squad. i love your loyalness to jaeyoon, your even more loyalness to doyoung and your tags that always make me angery wheeze. and uh. i guess youre actually most loyal to yoelin, h u h. your soft huevos tag says it all. and i love your personal blog

@rowoonst

moving on to my next target, dear miss dawONSt,,,, i cant compliment you the same as liz bc loyalness, dont know her. im actually surprised roro is your icon. guess you really love seafood huh ;))) i love your face and your love for all your mans. like.. your obsession with shownu sim is still my favorite thing about you, but recently i havent had the pleasure of seeing him in the chat,,, hmmm,,, maybe you and liz should do your next spam with shownu sim.

@cheondae

louise im feel like i always say this but youre lowkey my absolute favest blog on this entire flop site… i know we dont rlly talk but dbhjbhbh youre such a dear mutual to me???? like you just make my dash the best it can be and ugh. i love your love for sf9 so much its so cute and so pure and god youre so funny and also. french??????  je aime a french bitch!!!! anyway yea you make me soft and i just highkey always wish to remain mutuals bc when we do talk its so much fun and you always make me smile so much  ♡♡♡

@sunnpils

SAMMMMM UGH… my sweetest???? my loveliest?????? i just have a soft heart attack whenever youre online in the chat bc like. i love talking to you ashhjsbhs honestly??? youre so easy to converse with it feels lovelie. youre so cute and your gifs are!!!! so good!!! and so much goals!!! honestly you deserve to be the top tier blog out of all the rose, day6 and got7 blogs if youre already not!!!! i love you sam!!!

@rapperravioli

LARA SO I KNOW WE HAVENT TALKED IN A WHILE EITHER which is all bc of my dramatic switch of blog styles but i love you so much and asdbbhsj youre my favorite ravi stan ever???? who honestly deserves HIM so much??? if not you deserve more which… how is that even possible tbh… but omg youre always so cute and so nice to me nnn,, even though lettuce is your favorite food (ill never forget it im sorry i just)) youre one of my favorite people on this stupid site abhabhsh. honestly i hope you do get to see ravi bc i havent asked you yet bc if you dont i may actually cry… your instagram is also so PRETTY LIKE i get a heart attack whenever i see you on there i sometimes forget youre a 100/100 goddess like… i love you so much

@baektoyoo

OUR QUEEN OF TALENT??? OF DRAWING??? OF BEING SOFT AND JUST????? BEING so amazingly sweet im??? bawling???? ugh im still smad we couldnt meet up when you were in holland like.. i need me to go to canada asap… ugh i love how nice you always are to everyone plus,,, your cartoon drawings… im actually obsessed.. i cant believe youre actually gonna make me a juwoon one someday too… sO NICE.. and like i just love you so much asdbhahbsbh youre always so sweet and you just make my day when i see you on my dash its actually a bit embarrassing but shhhh… i also love sassy soph that we so rarely get to see ;))))

@hwiyyoung

another QUEEN??? just (hwiyoungs) queen of general being the most amazing??? oof em i have so much respect to you and everything you do like. your gifs are so amazing and youre overall so nice to everyone and just. whenever you rb a post of mine and compliment smth i do i just get giggly and proud and ugh you make me so happy!! plus youre so cute and asdbhjhb i love talking to you… also your selfie tag gives me butterflies hows the aesthetic like that. do you remember when we all trolled you as ems 8)

@javajaeyoon

ALE??? MY SWEET ALE WILL YOU ACTUALLY SEE THIS??? omg alex honestly the first thing i think of is us voice calling and just. shbjhadhbj talking to you is so much fun ugh… im smad we havent talked in a while but ALL IN GOOD PEACE since i know youre busy and go you.. so good at staying away from the web.. anyways alex i love you sm ugh.. youre always so funny n so cute and hhhhhh i just thought of your selfie n i choked again that hair was on fleek and youre so gorgeous!!! you and youngbin jaeyoon would be so cute im sure of it… my otp 8(((((

@woodawns

miss sflop9???? my dearest inseong anti?????? my gOOD hwi stan friend???? my UNNIE??? sahdabbahds god.. or should i say,, heol??? omg shi talking toyou is so much fun n we’re always the same with our spams.. n our thirst abt our mans even tho you say you hate inseong n all he stands for but i KNOW DEEP DOWN in your bONES you love that guy a whole much! also its so funny ahsbjd your love for drama… a true kpop stan… ugh i know you dont like showering me with love but ill continue to shower you with my love till the end of times bc thats just how it be!!! heol youre just so funny n im glad we r talking like we r because you make my days a lot more progressive hhh and im glad to be sharing these fine men with you.. even if you call juju zaddy which. im still not on board with but whatevs!!!!!

@jikseu

I SAVED THEBEST FOR LAST???? my lovlie inna!!!!!! im lov you forever!!! and you know no one can take that away! i hope you know im always here for you and you can always come to me

[ineffectualdemon]

My Playlist for When I’m Depressed And Don’t Want to Be

This isn’t a list of songs that make me feel depressed but rather ones that make me feel like I can make it despite my mental illnesses.

Below are the songs linked to their youtube video and with my favourite lyrics highlighted

Spotify link

Still Breathing - Greenday

Favourite Lyrics

As I walked out on the ledge Are you scared to death to live? I've been running all my life Just to find a home that's for the restless And the truth that's in the message Making my way, away, away

'Cause I'm still breathing 'Cause I'm still breathing on my own My head's above the rain and roses

Praying - Kesha

Favourite Lyrics

Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh Someday, maybe you'll see the light Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give But some things only God can forgive

Bulletproof - La Roux

Favourite Lyrics

Tick, tick, tick, tick on the watch And life's too short for me to stop Oh, baby, your time is running out

I won't let you turn around And tell me now I'm much too proud All you do is fill me up with doubt

This time, baby, I'll be Bulletproof This time, baby, I'll be Bulletproof

Push That Knot Away - KT Tunstall

Favourite Lyrics

May you always, may you always walk in hope And may your days just be a way to walk upon a great high road When the dark comes, when the dark comes through your door Will you deny him, don't recognize him He's not welcome anymore In your life, in your life, in your life

Fuck You - Lily Allen

Favourite Lyrics

Fuck you (fuck you) Fuck you very, very much Cause we hate what you do And we hate your whole crew So please don't stay in touchFuck you (fuck you) Fuck you very, very much Cause your words don't translate And it's getting quite late So please don't stay in touch

Kill Em With Kindness - Selena Gomez

Favourite Lyrics

The world can be a nasty place You know it, I know it, yeah We don’t have to fall from grace Put down the weapons you fight with

Alive - Madden

Favourite Lyrics

All we ever wanted is to feel alive Bathing in moonlight and the time's so right We all share this moment and the red sunrise So just hold on tight in this walk of life

This Is Gospel - Panic! At the Disco

Favourite Lyrics

Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world Bury me alive 'Cause I won’t give up without a fightIf you love me let me go If you love me let me go ‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart And truth be told, I never was yours The fear, the fear of falling apart

Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men

Favourite Lyrics

Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Lost - Amanda Palmer

Favourite Lyrics

That nothing's ever lost forever It's just caught inside the cushions of your couch And when you find it You'll have such a nice surprise Nothing's ever lost forever It's just hiding in the recess of your mind And when you need it It will come to you at night

Won’t Stop Running - A Great Big World

Favourite Lyrics

I don't know how much longer I can fake it That it's all alright, that I can do this alone And I know that life is what you make it But it's hard to see stars when you're always caught in the folds

Every night in my mind it's a fight But I won't stop dreaming 'Cause this isn't over It's never over

[jayatisvaid]

31 Motivational Quotes which help you to overcome Depression and Anxiety

In today’s world, people of all ages either they are male or female, older or child feel stress. In this present-day, anxiety disorders, depression is the most common mental illness across the country, with millions of adults infected every year.

Once in a while, we all go through a phase in life where we feel anxious about the things we are afraid of. It is perfectly normal to feel anxiety in some areas of your life but if this starts stopping you to enjoy your life then it becomes a burden.

The experts at APA define anxiety as “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure”.

People who don’t know about it or have never felt anxious in their life don’t know how blessed they are and they also don’t understand how it feels like to be against your own mind all the time.

Those who are going through anxiety disorders, panic attacks or depression only understand what they really are going through. If you know someone who going through it, be patient with them and lend them an ear. That will be really helpful.

You can also help them by sharing some of these anxiety and depression quotes. Words are more powerful than you can imagine. It can take one person to a place where they feel safe or really uncomfortable.

These anxiety and depression quotes will help you to find out more about it or the once who are already going through it, will help them to get relax for a while.

1. “Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”  

― Corrie Ten Boom

2. “After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn’t bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it’s a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it’s sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we’re doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.”  ― Paulo Coelho, The Witch of Portobello

3. “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”  

― Søren Kierkegaard, The Concept of Anxiety: A Simple Psychologically Orienting Deliberation on the Dogmatic Issue of Hereditary Sin

4. “To hear the phrase “our only hope” always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn’t work, there is nothing left.”  

― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

5. “If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  

― Amit Ray, Om Chanting and Meditation

6. “The more you pray, the less you’ll panic. The more you worship, the less you worry. You’ll feel more patient and less pressured.”  

― Rick Warren, The Purpose of Christmas

7. “Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”  

― Epictetus

8. “Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”  

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

9. “To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.”  

― Søren Kierkegaard

10. “Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”  

― Anais Nin

Social Anxiety Quotes

11. “Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”  

― Jennifer Elisabeth, Born Ready: Unleash Your Inner Dream Girl

12. “Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.”  

― Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

13. “Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”  

― C. H. Spurgeon

14. “Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety, after all, it is only in the darkest nights that stars shine more brightly.”  

― Ali Ibn Abi Talib AS

15. “Life is like a game of chess.

To win you have to make a move.

Knowing which move to make comes with IN-SIGHT

and knowledge, and by learning the lessons that are

acculated along the way.

We become each and every piece within the game called life!”  

― Allan Rufus, The Master’s Sacred Knowledge

16. “I’ve spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won’t leave, and fearing that it’s a matter of time before they figure me out and go.”  

― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

17. “Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”  

― Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home

18. “It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.”  

― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

19. “If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”  

― Brené Brown

20. “I want to be the best version of myself for anyone who is going to someday walk into my life and need someone to love them beyond reason.”  

― Jennifer Elisabeth, Born Ready: Unleash Your Inner Dream Girl

Living with Anxiety – Short Quotes

21. “Feelings don’t try to kill you, even the painful ones. Anxiety is a feeling grown too large. A feeling grown aggressive and dangerous. You’re responsible for its consequences, you’re responsible for treating it. But…you’re not responsible for causing it. You’re not morally at fault for it. No more than you would be for a tumor.”  

― Patrick Ness, The Rest of Us Just Live Here

22. “Anxiety was born at the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.”  

― Paulo Coelho, Manuscrito encontrado em Accra

23. “But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks, or break a window–maybe rearrange all the furniture.”  

― Raymond Carver, Where I’m Calling From New and Selected Stories

24. “Even if she be not harmed, her heart may fail her in so much and so many horrors; and hereafter she may suffer–both in waking, from her nerves, and in sleep, from her dreams.”  

― Bram Stoker, Dracula

25. “It was that sort of sleep in which you wake every hour and think to yourself that you have not been sleeping at all; you can remember dreams that are like reflections, daytime thinking slightly warped.”  

― Kim Stanley Robinson, Icehenge

26. “Chronic anxiety is a state more undesirable than any other, and we will try almost any maneuver to eliminate it. Modern man is living in anxious anticipation of destruction. Such anxiety can be easily eliminated by self-destruction. As a German saying puts it: ‘Better an end with terror than a terror without end.”  

― Robert E. Neale, The Art of Dying

27. “I get so god damn lonely and sad and filled with regrets some days. It overwhelms me as I’m sitting on the bus; watching the golden leaves from a window; a sudden burst of realisation in the middle of the night. I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. I’m alone as I’ve always been and sometimes it hurts…. but I’m learning to breathe deep through it and keep walking. I’m learning to make things nice for myself. To comfort my own heart when I wake up sad. To find small bits of friendship in a crowd full of strangers. To find a small moment of joy in a blue sky, on a trip somewhere not so far away, a long walk an early morning in December or a handwritten letter to an old friend simply saying ”I thought of you. I hope you’re well.”

No one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Take care of your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Get yourself some books and learn them by heart. Get to know the author, where he grew up, what books he read himself. Take yourself out for dinner. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. it’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it.

I get so god damn lonely and sad and filled with regrets some days, but I’m learning to breathe deep through it and keep walking. I’m learning to make things nice for myself. Slowly building myself a home with things I like. Colors that calm me down, a plan to follow when things get dark, a few people I try to treat right. I don’t sometimes, but it’s my intent to do so. I’m learning.I’m learning to make things nice for myself. I’m learning to save myself.

I’m trying, as I always will.”  

― Charlotte Eriksson, Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself: growing up is a wonderful thing to do

28. “How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, “Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?” To which the man responded, “That’s your worry.”  

― Max Lucado

29. “It did what all ads are supposed to do: create an anxiety relievable by purchase.”  

― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

30. “Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don’t agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ”

― C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer

Inspirational quotes for anxiety sufferers

31. “Life is like a sandwich!

Birth as one slice,

and death as the other.

What you put in-between  

the slices is up to you.

Is your sandwich tasty or sour?

― Allan Rufus

So yes, these were some of the anxiety and depression quotes which you should read.

Which ones are your favorite anxiety and depression quotes that really touched you in a way or something?

Do share your views about anxiety disorder, your experience with it or the overcome anxiety and depression quotes with us.

Original Source:- Quotes about overcome depression and anxiety

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.

[trossy20]

Receiving End of Sirens

10/22/2018 I’m in CO.. After a day of errands, was listening to music/jamming with Kev and he showed me this band.. Then had some zebra for the ride back and.. Holy hell this band. I neeeeded to listen to their album all the way through. I think the last time I felt that way was for Dashboard Confessional’s Dusk and Summer. Reaaall love for their band and their music at that point in my life. Dash meant so SO much to me and that album was perfect timing for a story I played my life off at the time: Blue is for Nightmares. The album came out around the same time I was into the series, and I just remember it matching beautifully. I should really read that series again. Cabs texted me recently, a picture of her copy. The front cover was bent and I winced at the sight.   “I have a theory; I SWEAR the protagonist is gay/in love with her best friend Courtney(?)” I replied. We had already recalled how neither of us could remember any of the names, despite how into the series we both had been. I was warmed with the memory of being best friends, and to this day we mutually appreciate those days, randomly sending a text of something we had remembered we’d said, or a photo of something that made us form an inside joke around, that we know the other would still laugh at today. There’s such a beautiful thing to that, isn’t there? That yeaaarrss later and even after transitioning, that connection is still respected.   I always fantasize for a little when we swap these texts, of the casual yet perfectly timed event that makes our paths cross again. It wouldn’t be so far fetched—that group of friends was my first solid group, and my heart broke when we went our ways. I think it was complicated and hurt me so deeply because like, pretty much, trans/hetero probs. I totally crushed on Cabs, way hard! But it was such a mutual best friend connection: little notes back and forth because we just didn’t ever have enough time during class/passing hall time/gym/lunch to talk about everything we had to talk about. We shared SO much music, and it was with her that my love of music grew. Our preferences were mirrored. She was amazing at finding new bands. I tried so hard for the next band that I found, to be as mind-blowing as all the one’s she was bringing to our fantastic-bands table. I think the only band I ever shared that was my pride and joy: The Rocket Summer. Bryce Avery, you talented musician you. Then I fell in envy with McFLY (dammit Danny Jones..I LITERALLY USED YOU TO CATFISH WITH). Wowww Holy shit, Stasia came after Cabs... HM. That kinda blows my mind because that means Cabs was the foundation. I do recall how amazing our conversations were, like each other was the only person we could ever enjoy conversation with truly, because we went “deep.” She also taught me (before I realized the lesson) about the most important thing to do when anyone has a mental illness: treat them as you always have.   Aw, there is a tree. Yep, there IS a tree. I always brought Cabs to a place we called Goston. It was a stream bank (not large enough body of water to be riverbank) in the woods of this nice big park. It was beautiful and echoed being on an adventure. Her and I had found the spot together once. So the tree. Yep, we wrote our initials there. We brought the group to a less special tree later, and had joined them in signing as a group. What happened? What grade was that? 8th...into 9th? Was it my fault? I remember crying over losing this group but it had to have been my fault, because I always push people away first. I feel them drift? OHP, nah, I ain’t gonna let this hurt—BAI, type shit. But maybe I created that defense mechanism I now know so well, BECAUSE of that experience... I feel like that’s when family started getting in the way of things: too many events to attend that took precedence over being allowed to go out with my friends. They eventually stopped asking... But before that, I had only been able to make it to spotty invites, and had felt so left out from all the jokes that I had missed out on (because family events). But.. Maybe even before that, it was lacrosse. And camps they went to together over the summer. Traditions they had in place before I came along (they had gone to the same elementary school-- I was the only one from another of the 3 school systems that merged for the middle school. Regional. I remember even today, how my heart leaped and couldn’t slow, when the group was watching (what was the damn movie! It was one of those super girly ones I never enjoyed but they did, but of course I couldn’t even pay attention to whatever the hell was playing, ever since Cabs hopped on the single-seater and invited me to join, when there was a big ass couch with plenty of room for me to have joined the others. So now we’re super close together about to watch a movie which leaves everyone sleepy/cuddly and I ended up here. By your command). Our other friend pointed out (literally with a finger and playful tease ((genuinely non malicious, that’s the kind of friend/chick she is)) and laugh) how we were super close and nearly touching but not. Like it was silly that we weren't’ already touching, there was such a tiny distance left, but neither of us crossed that line until she pointed it out.   I wonder what it means that I can’t be sure what happened next. Maybe she did end up leaning her head on my shoulder—that milometers of a distance left to cross. But maybe it was only for a little bit, as I was probably too stiff and bony to be comfortable at all. Or maybe it was uncomfortable because I made it so with my energy. Maybe it was hers too. Or maybe she felt awkward and straightened up instead, recreating distance.   These “friends,” drove me crazy. I reaaalllyyy crushed on ’em and they made it seem so much that there was something there. Not that I knew what I was looking for it. I sure as shit didn’t know what it meant, but I wanted them.   Their attention, their teases, their touches, their woes. I wanted to charm them, to hold their love with care, to carry whatever burden came--- or with Cabs specifically, the burden I grew so close to have been informed was there. Throughout our frien--- BRYAN!! There! WAS A DUDE. She met him through her cousin’s friend... Oh wow, I crushed on her cousin too.. Was thtat why? First I meant only to create a friendship there, to make it easier for Cabs to know us both/include us in her life together. Hm. I don’t recall picking up jealousy but then again, I wouldn’t have known at all what it looked or sounded like... There was a dude prior to even our meeting, that she had felt broken-hearted over maybe in the way that I would feel someday. I ended up not feeling it with her I think, because it was a slow drift, seeming without explanation, that would hurt too much if I ended up allowing it to bubble up. After all, it wasn’t even like she liked me as much as I liked her... I must have lost myself to video games around that time too, and then... hm. Cokemusic I guess. Very interesting...