#maybe one day when the fandom has grown and more people are contributing their thoughts and hcs this will feel less daunting

[lucyandthepen]

(give me that) can't sleep love | cyj

you’ve been managing yeonjun flawlessly for a few good years now, but there are just some things you can’t keep under control. the obvious solution? a blind date that skews towards the unexpected.

pairing: solo idol!yeonjun x reader rating: T genre: romance warnings: none! like the narrative has a swear word like idk once? word count: 3.5k 

author’s notes: yeah it’s not actually valentine’s day but we write for a completely new fandom because we simply have no restraint !! just kidding, i’ve actually been hoping to extend my writing for other groups, but i haven’t yet because i’m extremely slow and a bit fickle. this is my first time writing for anything txt, but i hope to do so a bit more in the future! 

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Maybe your mom was right. Maybe the entertainment industry just isn’t for you.

She’d actively warned you against dedicating your time to, well, anything involving the glitz and glam, but you just hadn’t listened. There had been good opportunities, great experiences you’d never get anywhere else. For the most part, your choices had helped that expectation become that reality; you’d met people not just anyone got to meet, and you’d definitely had a substantial amount of unique encounters.

Still, you were aware that the only reason you’d ever gotten the chance to taste a little bit of the high life was because you had Yeonjun on your side. Choi Yeonjun — the rising star of the idol world, with a better career trajectory than the guy who owned Apple, it seemed. His job was the access pass to everything you enjoyed. Unfortunately, your ticket to all the good things was also the key to your prolonged misery.

As his manager, you have a ton of roles to play — logistics coordinator, scheduler, alarm clock, wardrobe checker, and, on one unfortunate incident, last-minute make-up artist when the original girl had been a no-show. You were supposed to be busy at every turn, but Yeonjun on the job was something of a well-oiled machine, learning how to feed himself while you were on the phone and follow the line-up to the letter as long as he was awake enough to do it. It’s possible you could blame him for all the downtime you got that had led to the bulk of the problem.

Actually, you aren’t sure when it started or even how. Maybe it had happened somewhere in the middle of all his showcases and shows, sandwiched between the constant fever of communication and movement. Maybe it had come up in those hectic car rides where you’d spent a ton of time reminding him of what to do and what to expect. Or maybe it had grown with every time you had to wake him up in one of many lonely hotel rooms, with his head half-buried in the pillow to muffle the sleepy groans he’d use to respond to your soft voice.

Whenever it was, all you could be sure of was that you liked him. A lot. Maybe even with the time you’d come to know him, after all these years, a part of you was ready to say you loved him.

But that was the biggest barrier in the job, wasn’t it? Managers are supposed to stop their idols from dating, not want to do it with them. For the most part, you’ve been successful in holding yourself back from doing something stupid, which is technically the bare minimum for you. These days, though, you aren’t sure what it is; maybe you’re just on edge from all the work in this year’s promotional stint, and that kind of contributes to a weakened mentality, or some kind of wack explanation like that, but you find yourself more often losing your train of thought when you’re with him. Even without detailing the specifics to your friends and co-workers, they’ve noticed something was bothering you. They’d urged you to relieve yourself of your duties a little, maybe hire a co-manager to do all the menial stuff, but you know that’s not really the issue. Only one person — Sunyoung, Yeonjun’s wardrobe stylist — had managed to hit the nail on the head semi-accurately.  

“Look, I get it,” she’d said one evening, after she’d shooed Yeonjun out of the dressing room so he could strap on his in-ear piece and prepare for the stage. You were supposed to be running around like a headless chicken, making sure everything was in check, but you were just slumped on the couch in the dressing room playing some dumb shark game your nephew had downloaded onto your phone. “You’re tired. You’re lonely. You can’t even go out for a cup of coffee without worrying about Yeonjun. But he’s fine. You can relax a little.”

“I’m totally relaxed,” you’d mumbled, watching your shark devour a poor surfer on your screen. “I’m fine.”

“Then you should get out more. Leave all of this behind and meet new people. Go on a date. Listen,” she’d covered your phone with her palm, and you heard the telltale music of your game coming to a bitter end. “Do something fun. Go on a date, seriously. I can set you up. It doesn’t even have to be anything serious, ____________! Just do something not work-related for once next week, and get this toxicity or whatever out of your system.”

You didn’t have the heart to say no or the courage to admit that nothing really would happen if that date wasn’t with Yeonjun, considering how far gone you were, so you’d just agreed.

Sunyoung had set you up for a Valentine’s Day date. Ironically, while the point was supposedly to get your mind off of Yeonjun on that day, he had a scheduled fan sign in Sinchon that you couldn’t miss out on. You had to pack an extra set of nicer clothes and a make-up bag that Yeonjun had eyed questioningly but silently as you’d entered the van.

“So how long is this fan sign?” He’d asked instead, immediately turning his attention to his phone the moment the van had started moving.

“Until six.”

“Then I don’t have another schedule, right?”

“No.” You don’t really ask why he’s curious; Yeonjun enjoys his personal time, as any celebrity does. “You’re free after. The van can take you home, or wherever else you need to be.”

He’d hummed appreciatively, fixated on his phone, and the rest of the ride is consumed in silence until you’d arrive at the venue.  

Yeonjun is whisked immediately into hair and make-up, and Sunyoung emerges from his dressing tent a few moments after he disappears inside, portable clothes steamer in hand. “Hey; did you get my text?”

You shake your head; you’d spent the car ride irresponsibly ignoring your phone, opting to gnaw on one of your nails instead.  

“I sent you the details of a reservation slot in this nice Italian place near Dongdaemun. Just drop my name and they’ll lead you to the table.”

“Look, I don’t really know if I want to do this,” you mumble sheepishly. “Blind dating isn’t my speed.”  

“Just go. It’ll be fine. If you don’t like him, you don’t like him. Just give it a shot. If all else fails, just enjoy the pasta,” she’d said with finality, bopping the nozzle of the steamer on your shoulder as she walks away.  

Yeonjun is out of the dressing room in twenty minutes, and even then, you’re not sure why it takes that long. You’ve consistently held the belief that Yeonjun doesn’t need make-up to look good, and you can hardly tell when he has it on, anyway. Still, it’s nice to see his stylist pushing his hair up into a neat, tiny quiff, and he’s changed from his standard white tee and jeans to something that resembles a casual suit. You guessed they did it for Valentine’s Day — emulating the coveted boyfriend look, and all that.  

“How do I look?” He asks you, right before you lead him onstage. His eyes follow your hand as you fix the front of his jacket quickly.  

“Great,” you reply. “As usual.”

“So until six, right?” His mouth is lifting into a grin that you can’t really understand.  

“Until six,” you confirm, now a little curious. “You got somewhere to be?”  

“Not sure,” he looks down at you enigmatically. “It’s my off time, so we’ll see what happens.”  

“Don’t do anything stupid,” you warn him, even though there’s no heat in your words. You know he’s not dumb enough to gallivant around doing things that will get him on Dispatch’s radar.  

He just laughs, giving you a small wink before he hops onstage, taking two steps at a time. The voices around you are drowned out by the screams that ensue once his fans see him.  

From then on, it’s just the same pattern for the next two hours — you, standing on one corner of the stage beside a guy from security, watching hundreds of girls in a line titter and scream and fall to their knees in front of the table where Yeonjun is seated at. They’ve all got albums in their hands, offering them to him reverently for a signature, and he takes them all good-naturedly, scrawling his name and some short, practically unreadable message somewhere around it while chatting with them about food he likes and what movies he’s into these days.  

Since it’s Valentine’s Day, a ton of girls come with romantic gifts — flowers, chocolates, goodies baskets. One girl even brings a large teddy bear, plopping it down in front of him unceremoniously and scaring Yeonjun into accidentally miswriting his signature. You and the rest of his management team aren’t really strict about prohibiting gifts, but Yeonjun refuses all of them — nicely, of course, but to the disappointment of many fans. Every time he says no, he glances at you, like he’s worried you’re going to tell him off if he says yes. You’d wondered once before if he was just trying to pin the blame on you, but you know he’s not cruel like that. Today doesn’t make a difference; he rejects people with apologetic looks as he gives their albums back, and you can see their dejection as they trod off the stage. The teddy bear girl had left the toy by the stairs in her disappointment.  

Yeonjun starts his closing ment at a quarter to six, and you tap the security guy next to you to remind him to bring him straight backstage after he’s finished before dashing off and ducking into the dressing room to change. You hear deafening cheers coupled with Yeonjun’s cute little goodbye! that signal the end of the fan sign, and you’ve just finished combing your hair back when Yeonjun walks in, idly patting his hair to see if everything is still in place.

“You look nice,” he observes casually, shrugging off his jacket. You try to avoid looking at him, even if his shoulders are so impossibly broad that you can’t really ever keep them out of your peripheral vision. “Do you have plans?”  

“As a matter of fact, I do,” you admit, unsure as to why you feel so guilty for saying so. You’re not dating, you have to remind yourself. And you’re allowed to go out after work.

“Meeting someone special?”  

“I’m not sure. Could be. I don’t know who I’m meeting, if I’m being honest.”  

His expression is unreadable; his fingers are twirling his marker in quick, hypnotizing circles.  

“Well, have fun,” he finally says, moving to hang his jacket on the back of a chair. “You should take the subway or something. Rush hour, and all that.”  

“Thanks for the tip.” His words sound pretty dismissive, but you’re not sure why you don’t just leave right away. Maybe you’re expecting him to say something, although it’s really more about what you wish he would rather than what he reasonably would, and he just continues to stare quietly, still toying with the Sharpie. “If you… need anything, just call. You know?”  

“I know,” he replies simply. “But I won’t bother you on a date. That’s just plain rude.”

“I’ll still answer. You know you’re more important than a blind date.”  

“Am I?” He looks amused. “Sounds like you take this job too seriously. Don’t worry about me. I’ll probably just go home after all. There’s a wildlife documentary I’m dying to catch.”  

You’re pretty sure you hadn’t meant the job, but you don’t correct him considering how that would out you. “Okay. See you bright and early tomorrow. Remember you’ve got a radio interview at nine, so can you please not stop by Starbucks before you go home? Please?”  

“Sure, sure,” he waves you and your nagging off, and you bolt out of the door, feeling kind of stupid and a little flushed.  

You take Yeonjun’s advice and get on the subway, except the first two trains Dongdaemun-bound are full to the brim and you have to squeeze yourself into the car of the third train by elbowing a couple of annoying teenage boys. The other problem you run into is that the train station exits are a fair way away from your destination, and you aren’t used to running in heels. You clip-clop your way down the sidewalk and hit every red light for the pedestrian crossings, much to your ire. At one point, you stop in the middle of the crossing and consider just storming back to the opposite end of the road and going home, but the subway station is too far away for that choice to make sense at that point anyway.  

By the time you get to the restaurant, you’re about fifteen minutes late and have to sit on the chairs for walk-in customers to give your feet a break. The guy at the front of the house has the decency to wait for you to catch your breath and even quietly point out that a lock of hair is stuck to your lip gloss before he asks if you have a reservation.  

You nervously pick at your dress and comb the ends of your hair as you follow him. You notice someone is already seated at the table, back to you and looking over the menu. You think about all the things that you want to say — sorry for being late, have you been waiting long?, I totally understand if you want to just leave — but there’s a weird nagging in the back of your mind that grows as you approach the table.  

Maybe Sunyoung had known you had a type, so to speak —lean, sharp, nicely dressed. Technically, that wasn’t such a difficult set of characteristics to find, but the fact that they were all rolled up into one package seated at your table, so similar to the guy you’ve pinned as ideal, was just kind of spooky. Even the fact that your blind date was laughing to himself at God knows what, alongside the fact that the way his angular shoulders moved up and down comically the way his would, isjust weird.

That, or…  

All thoughts of apologizing fly out the window once you reach the table. All you can do is stare, your ears ringing and your fingers clutching your wallet tightly. Your mind has completely disconnected from reality, and the first thing that tumbles out of your mouth is loud and a little crude.  

“Literally, what the hell?”  

All the guy at your table can do is laugh harder, clearly because he’s Lee Freaking Yeonjun, and he’s finding this situation sidesplittingly hilarious.  

“Yeonjun,” you hiss, your hand flying up and curling into a fist in an attempt to restrain yourself from grabbing him by the collar. “What are you doing here?”  

It takes him another half-minute to sober down, and he’s still chuckling a little as he answers. “Waiting for my date, obviously.”  

“Explain,” you demand, pointedly ignoring the looks couples from another table are giving you.

“Okay, but you have to sit down first,” he motions to the seat across from him. You pull it back and plop down onto it, gaze unwavering. He pauses, kind of dramatically, before continuing. “So there’s a set course meal, but I know you don’t like shellfish, so I thought—”

“I don’t want an explanation of the menu!” You shut your eyes, trying to block out the scene for a second. This can’t be happening. It makes no sense. “I want to know — wait, is this a prank?” 

“What? No, of course not.”  

“How are you here?”  

“I took the van here,” he says, once again elusive. “I actually thought you’d get here before me, but then I realized you probably had to walk a long way. Sorry.” He has the decency to look sheepish at this point.

“Why are you here?”

“I’m on a date?” He shakes his head. “What’s not clicking, ____________?”

“Don’t sass me. Please. Do me that one courtesy, if nothing else.” He watches you down your water in one go, still looking politely amused. “Did Sunyoung put you up to this?”  

“Actually, I asked her to rope you in.”

“Because?”  

“Do I have to spell it out for you?” He looks incredulous. “Because I like you. I thought that was kind of obvious from the get-go.”

Nothing is making sense to you. Your head is starting to hurt a little, maybe from the situation, maybe from the cold water you’d drunk too fast. “How was it obvious?” You thought you had been kind of obvious, which was why you had attempted to stay distant and pretty aloof for the past few months.  

“I listen to everything you say.”

“You have to,” you point out wearily. “That’s literally supposed to be our professional relationship.”  

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t have done it so well and so frequently if it were anyone else who were my manager,” he tries to reason, then continues when you look unconvinced. “And the gifts. I don’t take them.”  

“So?”  

“So, I don’t have a reason to not take them, technically. I just don’t because I don’t want you to think I’m accepting other people’s affections.”  

“That makes no sense. They’re your fans, so that has nothing to do with personal affections. You’re terrible at this.”  

“Okay, fine — but so are you!” His voice transitions into something a little accusing. “It’s not like you’ve been good at showing me you like me either.”  

He pauses, and for the first time in your life, you see something cross his face — uncertainty, maybe, or anxiety.  

“You do like me, don’t you?”  

The fire of indignant anger fueled by your initial shock dies down, and you’re left feeling a little embarrassed now. The entire walk here, you’d been torturing yourself with the fantasy that you could be somewhere else with Yeonjun on a date, but now that he’s seated across you in the flesh, you have no clue what to do or how to react properly. You toy with your napkin, but you feel his eyes burning into you.  

“Fine. I do, but,” you raise your voice a little at the conjunction; he doesn’t even take you seriously, choosing to look relieved instead. “But I’m not supposed to, Yeonjun. This is bad.”  

“Why? We’re at an old people restaurant. No one’s going to recognize us.”  

“Because I’m not supposed to go on dates with the idol I’m managing.”

“Be honest,” his bottom lip juts out. “Is that all you think of me?”  

Your lips thin out into a tight line; it’s easy to say no if you’re cheeky like him, but you’re pretty sure it’s easier to fire a manager for dating off-bounds than it is to cut off an idol’s career for the same reason.  

“Can’t we be, you know,” he points between the two of you. “Just us? Not manager and idol. Just you and me. Just for tonight. And we can see how it goes.”  

You hate that you cave so easily. You hate that you know you do because you like him so much. Your hand comes up to your face, trying to rub the ache away from your temples. A small, triumphant grin is growing on Yeonjun, like he already knows what you’re going to say. It occurs to you that after all this time you’ve come to know him well, he may have reached the same level of familiarity with you as well.

“Fine,” you mumble, and he doesn’t even contain his joy, pumping his fist into the air embarrassingly. “Fine. Just for tonight.”  

“Just for tonight,” he agrees. “Then we can see how it goes.”  

When you finally decide to meet his eye, you can’t help but laugh softly. He’s looking a little smug, and you want to smack him, or maybe just kiss him a little, but you just nudge his foot under the table. It doesn’t do anything to faze that little shit-eating expression on his face.  

“Don’t think this gets you off of waking up early,” you warn, but you never do get to threaten him effectively with just how soft your words are. “I’m still hauling you out of bed at seven.”

“As long as it’s you,” he grins. “And no one else.”  

“Shut up,” you try to bite back your smile, ducking your head instead to look at the menu when you feel it growing anyway. “Order your food.”  

You know he’s not looking at the menu even as you pretend to peruse it. Still, he falls quiet, eerily so, and you think he’s just staring until you feel something soft land on top of your hand.

Your eyes lift again to his face, and he’s still smiling, albeit a little more serenely, without that joking expression he’s practically trademarked. His hand squeezes yours tightly, and even when he loosens his hold, his palm never leaves yours.  

“You really do look beautiful tonight,” he says softly. “Happy Valentine’s Day, _______________.”  

[loumauve]

some starship iris thoughts

In another couple of months, she might have friends again. [x]

I can’t tell you how much my heart hurts for young Violet. (also for older Violet pre coming into contact with the Rumor crew)

I’m sure we’ll learn more about her history in time, but so far my takeaway is that she’s been feeling lonely for a long time. unable to make the connections she longs for, unable to find people who are as interested in getting to know her as she is in getting to know them. work (and life) on the Iris was isolating, as she told Brian when they talked about Alvy and how he was the only one to make an effort to be friendly with her. and just.. imagine that. you’re stuck out there in a metal bucket which.. sure, it’s a fancy metal bucket but still, and there is nothing but empty space around you, and the few people you could connect with don’t care to. just imagine that loneliness.

and to know that it started long before she ever got on board.. to know how she’s felt like she was never going to measure up (to the other Violet Liu, to her own aspirations) to know that she feels like she’s not smart enough or tall enough or too neurotic.. it just breaks my heart. 

and I feel like Arkady and Violet are more alike in that way than they possibly realise. Arkady with her background and her hang-ups about only having an eights-grade education, and about the things she has done and continues to do even though she doesn’t like having to hurt people. I just want them to get to a point where they can accept that they are doing their best to be the best possible version of themselves, and to a point where they learn to communicate and to accept their self-worth, but I’m sure it will be a long time before either of those things happen. (we all know mental health is something that takes a lot of time and effort, and with everything else that’s going on, I’m afraid they don’t have a lot of time or energy to spare. but one day. hopefully.)

but.. and here comes my crappy headcanon about Violet and her home life.. which has no basis whatsoever, and I might be missing snippets of information already canonly publicised bc my brain is crap at retaining information..:

I feel like Violet’s mum or dad (or mums/dads/parents of indetermined gender?? there was definitely a moment when she was thinking about how her family was feeling about thinking she was dead and not knowing she was actually still alive in one of the episodes but the details are escaping me right now) probably were hard-working, kind people; people who would have taught her to always be kind, show humility, always do her best and that the right people would accept her for all of who she is. now, we know that we can hear all this and still feel anxious and have doubts and feel like we’re never going to be good enough. and being an anxious and possibly fretful, painfully shy kid.. life is hard that way. but I think her parents did the best they could to make sure she always had a safe place to come home to.

now.. we know that she moved away from home somewhere before middle school (excuse me for not having the slightest clue of how education works in the US or other parts of the world. it confuses me to no end when there are no simple grades that go from 1 to whatever.. sorry. also possibly part of bilingualists problems??) but I’m unsure about whether or not she moved with her family, or if she had to move on her own to some kind of boarding school - again, I’m sure we’ll learn more about the education system under the IGR in time. but at whichever point she separated from her family and went to live by herself, I feel like her parents would have made sure she never forgot she had people and a place where she was loved.

so.. all that build-up just to throw this tiny little thing into the room - I feel like Violet probably has a patch somewhere that one of her parents gave her that’s some piece of embroidery of violets that they made so she could pin it on whatever she was made to wear, be it school uniforms or uniforms that I imagine the IGR would happily stuff their researchers, and therefore the Iris crew, into. and it’s also my headcanon that when they went to retrieve her stuff and loot The Iris after Violet was onboard The Rumor that’s possibly how they knew which pile of stuff was hers. (or maybe it was just really obvious bc she is pretty tiny and most of the crew was tall people. I don’t know. just.. I like the thought of her having sth personal with her at all times. like.. who even knows. maybe she still had a plushie of some sort left over from her childhood. maybe it was all very soft, very comfy sweaters and thick socks and a home made patchwork blanket. I NEED TO KNOW IF THERE WERE STILL SHEEP ON EARTH WHEN SHE LEFT)

aaaanyway, let’s stop the rambling thoughts there.

PS: even more so than Violet and Arkady, I ship both of them with therapy and softness and gentle care and a ton of healthy communication. also naps. definitely naps. all of the Rumor crew (plus Junior Agent, I forget her name) x naps

[mangaycompany]

do you have a favorite rare pair? if so, would you mind writing something that would induce me (and maybe others) to ship these? (I need more rare pairs content TT)

anybody who's ever talked to me at least once knows exactly what i'm going to say

i absolutely LOVE bantai / 万太

bantai isn't AWFULLY rare in the japanese fandom (it's kinda rare but i know worse, like jutai which i also really love), but it's INSANE how little people actually consider it in english :sob: i myself know exactly 4 people who are into it and it breaks my heart because i'm the only english speaking artist who contributes to the tag ever

before i start talking about it more, i'm going to link you to some things

the ao3 tag (in which 3 whole fics are by yours truly <3 they're bad though),

the pixiv tag (my favorite artist is hn, whose works i especially love because of their warm light-hearted stories, as well as their interpretations of the characters (i love how they tend to write 万>太 and 万>(<)太, you don't see banri be the one pining very often and i love it)),

my very self-indulgent spotify playlist (it might not be all that accurate but it's based on my own personal interpretation of characters, keep it in mind :'D)

anyway, time to talk to what just GETS me about this ship

initially i didn't think about it myself, because ANY banri ship will always be overshadowed by sehhyo/banju, but sometime in august last year i realized their dynamic is actually quite interesting

i love this rivalry air the two have developed, it's not quite like the rivalry banri and juza have going on, this one feels much more casual and like something best friends would have going on

there was something that touched my heart in act 3; when taichi confessed about his betrayal, banri was the first one ready to forgive him; he was the one who was willing to open up in order to make taichi feel more comfortable sharing his portrait with everyone

mankai stage

bestie behavior

and they kiß

headcanons

in canon, their bond might seem a little one-sided (we can't have everything :/ ), with taichi being always all over banri about how cool and popular he is, but trying to expand on that thought, i like to think banri's grown too used to taichi's compliments; the moment taichi switches to fawning over juza, something clicks in banri's brain that makes him annoyed with the whole world for the entire day

when they get together, it's something very new for both of them; taichi's never been in any relationship, he doesn't really know how to act around banri and fails to not make a huge deal out of it, due to his hopeless eagerness mixed with personal insecurities, it might keep their relationship stagnated and frustrasting for the first few weeks, he wants to do more and more couple things very badly but is worried about communicating it to banri (he doesn't know why, he can't name his fears really) / banri has been in relationships before, with people of all genders, so you'd think he wouldn't stress out about his new boyfriend all that much, but it's very much not true; he's been in so many relationships and yet this is the first one in which he genuinely fell in love with the other person. he's always found it difficult to be vulnerable and open up to anyone else, but it's something he'll have to overcome for his and taichi's sakes

each of them teaches the other important things; banri teaches taichi to be more confident and to not rely on strangers' opinions so muh, taichi teaches banri to be open and that it's okay to rely on your closest friends

you know banri gets Really jealous when taichi pays any attention to juza (and he obviously does because he looks up to him), but what you wouldn't think is that when taichi realizes it, he starts doing that on purpose just to get attention from his bf

you'd think it'd be hard for these two to keep their relationship a secret, but for the longest time, nobody even suspected a thing; for at least half a year, the only person who knew about them was omi, and it's only because he's taichi's roommate so Of Course He'd Find Out

i feel like they're a kind of couple in which they don't really Talk about their feelings (like love and insecurities) unless things truly require it (banri doesn't want to for obvious reasons, taichi doesn't want to pile it onto banri and make him feel like he HAS to also); for a long time they had a thing going on without even clarifying if they're really dating or not. they rely very strongly on their personal love language, which consists wholly of nonverbal love declarations such as small touches and meaningful glances

because of that, banri probably hadn't even said the word "love" long into their relationship (which must have made taichi cry like a baby when he finally did)

anyway

there's a Lot More on my mind but i'm very bad with words sorry

some other rare ships i love:

太九 [taikyu]: taichi/kumon (very soft and light-hearted :) high energy)

十太 [jutai]: juza/taichi (obvious for taichi's fixation on juza, very soft and delicate kind of ship)

十咲 [jusaku]: juza/sakuya (bond over shared love for acting, very warm and shoujo-esque kinda feel)

丞誉 [tasuhoma]: tasuku/homare (opposites attract, learning to understand each other, thriving off bonding over misunderstandings)

天十 [tenju]: tenma/juza (starting off with private acting tutoring, ending up with... developing a crush?! 😳 light-hearted and sweet, probably has the entirety of summer troupe trying to get tenma to make a move)

ships i'm not sure if they count as rare pairs and i dont feel like checking rn but i feel like i don't see them enough

万九 [bankyu]: banri/kumon

真円 [masumado]: masumi/madoka

東誉 [azuhoma]: azuma/homare

一臣 [kazuomi]: kazunari/omi

志九 [shifukyu]: shifuto/kumon

咲太 [sakutai]: sakuya/taichi

莇椋 [azamuku]: azami/muku

i hope you'll consider at least some of them :) thank you for your time reading this mess of a post

[ins0mnia-an0nym0us-au]

let’s talk about TUA fandom

y’all are hypocritical - let’s just get it out there.

before you start typing out some angry comments or coming in my ask-box lemme explain my reasoning here.

LUTHER HARGREEVES

Luther is one of the most hated characters in this fandom for some unknown reason to me. He is just another victim in all of this and as much as all of you want to blame everything on his actions, he simply acted in what he thought were the best interests of everyone. Luther showed his trauma in the same way the rest did.

In my opinion, Luther is one of the most underrated characters in The Umbrella Academy because all of you are too busy with your thirsting after Diego or uWu-ing over Klaus to notice him.

So here is Luther’s trauma broken down for all of you. 

Luther was doomed from the moment he was chosen to be Number One, it’s that simple. From the very moment Reginald chose him, he had no chance, because he had the expectation of being the best put on his shoulders by a man who was never going to see any of them as anything less than worthless.

But Luther was determined to live up to his name, to be what his father wanted him to be – to be Number One.

Because for Luther he was sure everything that Reginald was doing was out of love. But I think Luther deep down knew that their father didn’t love them, but he needed to believe it was out of love, he couldn’t stand the thought of it being anything but love, because if it wasn’t love then it wasn’t worth it. He needed it to be worth it.

We got a glimpse of that in season one when he found all the packages he sent to Reginald. He never had any friends, he never left the house, he gave up his entire life for his father and the mission he believed in. Because he needed to believe it was worth it and when he found out it wasn’t – well, he had thrown his entire life away for what? It wasn’t because their father loved them or believed in them. So what was it?

Just to prove to all of you that Luther is more like his siblings than you all want to admit, here are some comparisons - 

LUTHER: needed the moon to have a reason behind it, so much so that his obsession put others in danger. He also couldn’t face it when it turned out his mission was for nothing - so he regressed to his old behavior of thinking his father was right.

DIEGO: needed to be the hero, even though I’m almost positive Diego isn’t a complete idiot and knows that dramatically changing history would be bad - aka saving JFK could make the timeline explode, he needed to save him. So much so he was willing to put all of his siblings in jeopardy.

LUTHER: was told from the beginning he was the leader and that being Number One meant that he had to be the best. Because of this he had an inflated sense of importance. It just meant he had a higher distance to fall when he finally realized that it all meant nothing. He also doesn’t take their opinions or plans seriously because he’s Number One and his plans are superior.

FIVE: is a cocky little shit, who is insistent he is the smartest person around and he might be. But he views everyone around him as lesser, that includes his siblings. He has spent his entire time in the apocalypse trying to get back to save his siblings but still treats them like garbage. He also never lets his siblings in on anything that’s happening, he never sits them down and explains anything, and when they try to contribute with a plan or a theory he looks at them like they are stupid. 

LUTHER: was sent to the moon, alone, with no one to talk to. Before that he had no friends his age, his only companions were Grace, his father, and Pogo. He’s been alone for a long time.

VANYA: has been alone for a lot longer than Luther - but trauma is not a competition and they both have dealt with it differently. I just wanted to point out these two similarities between the two characters.

LUTHER: is desperate for love and affection from his father. Everything he has done has been to get Reginalds approval and love but none of it has ever worked. He got small glimpses of things, like his dad’s favorite spot under a tree, so maybe he got a bit closer than the others but it was not real love.

ALLISON: is desperate for love and affection in general - hence her stardom. She needs attention, she feeds on it. It isn’t until she has Claire that I think she truly understands that everything until then has been fake. The unconditional love of a child made her realize that all of that fake love and affection is no match for real love.

LUTHER: has probably felt like a monster since before his transformation - having super-strength means having to be very careful with your own body. But after the transformation must’ve been so much worse. 

BEN: literally has a monster inside of him and has always felt like a monster. The difference is he has openly spoken about feeling like a monster.

LUTHER: has always been in control of himself. He is the exact opposite of Klaus in how he uses control to deal with trauma. Luther needs control in order to deal with trauma.

KLAUS: has no control and he does not want it. To deal with trauma Klaus loses control by using drugs and alcohol but he also uses it to control his powers.

So now that I’ve gotten through the siblings a bit, let’s talk about another topic that has a bit of hypocrisy behind it -

ALLISON X LUTHER

For some reason this ship is very despised in the fandom, I don’t know if it’s because of the fact that one part of it is Luther but a lot of the reasons I see are just - ‘ew, they’re siblings’. 

Yet, most of the ships in TUA fandom are of the siblings being paired together.

Five x Vanya [fics on ao3 - 372]

Diego x Klaus [fics on ao3 - 687]

Ben x Klaus [fics on ao3 - 311]

The only other ships that top these are -

Dave x Klaus [fics on ao3 - 1409]

Diego x Patch [fics on ao3 - 434]

And let’s be really honest for a second here - them being in any romantic relationship with each other, is not weird. None of them are biologically related to one another. They were just raised in the same household as one another and told to treat each other as siblings. If they had never been adopted by Reginald Hargreeves and met randomly on the side of the road, this discussion would be moot. 

I find the Five x Vanya ship much more disturbing if I’m being honest, simply because most of the fics ship a fully grown Vanya, in the body of a 31-ish year old, with Five - who while mentally is like in his 60s or whatever, is back in his 13 year old body. If Vanya did ever get with Five before his body turned 18, it would be statutory rape.

Let’s also just for a second list some other fandom pairings that are pretty popular that people ship that have the same ‘we grew up as siblings but we aren’t biologically related’ trope.

Thor x Loki [fics on ao3 - 10894]

Eren x Mikasa [fics on ao3 - 1221]

John Marston x Arthur Morgan [fics on ao3 - 651]

Max x Alec [fics on ao3 - 357]

Iris x Barry [fics on ao3 - 3689]

It’s incredibly strange to me how unpopular Allison x Luther is - especially since it’s actually canon in the comics. Granted, some things from the comics of course should change or be adapted, but the chemistry between Tom Hopper and Emmy Raver-Lampman is just spectacular, especially during the dance scene in The Day That Wasn't.

I absolutely loved that scene (still mad it’s nowhere on youtube). I felt like we got to see Luther both as how Allison sees him and for a moment he was out of his head with Allison, relaxed and just himself. 

If you just don’t ship it, just say you don’t ship it. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

Alright. I think my duty as a member of the Luther-Protection squad is finished. If you can’t see your hypocrisy after this post, I really don’t know what to tell you. If you would like to have a calm discussion about why you think I’m wrong or right, I’m willing to talk about it. However, anyone who comes at me just spewing vitriol or that I’m so stupid will not be taken seriously, if you can’t have a calm discussion about things then I won’t take you seriously. 

I do want to say though - I understand having favorite characters, I’m a sucker for characters that are only held back from destroying the world by a hug (Vanya). But I’m also someone who loves to look at the entire picture and appreciate the depth of each character in a series, even the ones I hate. In fact - some of my favorite characters were ones I hated and the actors/actresses soon became my favorite because it takes a lot of talent to make people hate you.

So for a moment, really think if you hate Luther Hargreeves or if you dislike his actions and if it’s his actions, who you really should hate is Reginald Hargreeves because all Luther has ever done has been a reaction to trauma - exactly like the rest of his siblings.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Bits & Pieces, Themes & Evidence

Morning Everyone! So, below are just a bunch of bits and pieces that me, my fellow theorists and/or others in the fandom have come up. They don’t really fit into one, cohesive theory, but they’re most about or have come out of 10x18. I keep joking that this is the episode that just keeps on giving. We’re STILL talking about it and figuring things out about it.

Leah as a Hallucination/Daryl’s PTSD:

It’s been suggested that in 10x18, Dog never actually left Daryl. The episode is cut in a way to suggest that Daryl went long periods without seeing Dog (which is symbolic, of course) but maybe that’s not true and Dog was always there. Not only is that super interesting, but it works with one of my first observations. When I first watched the episode, I thought that the second time he sees Dog, first time as a grown dog and not a pup, and meets Leah, he didn't seem surprised to see Dog. So, I thought maybe he'd seen Dog a lot by then. I changed my mind for the sake of the symbolism. If it represents Grady, it makes more sense that Daryl simply recognized him as the pup me once met, but really had been separated from his for awhile. But I’m just saying this hallucination theory and the idea of Dog being there all along, just backs up my first impressions. That's all.

Also, weapon13whitefang left a long comment on my Tumblr post about Leah being a hallucination. It's really not so much about the show as about PTSD because they have some experience with it. I found it really interesting and enlightening, so it might interest some of you. You can read it HERE under the comments.

Why He Got Defensive at the Idea of Leah Leaving Him

A couple of my friends were talking about this, and this is just my contribution to the conversation. I think it's directly because Leah is predicated on his time with Beth. Even if he's not consciously aware of the delusion, some part of his UNconscious brain knows that Leah = Beth. And he knows Beth wouldn't have willingly left him. Not only because she said that, but because when she DID disappear, it wasn't her fault or her choice either time. So, when Carol says, "maybe she just left," Daryl's brain rails against that and he gets really defensive. And the interesting thing is that it's really not about him taking it personally or about his ego. It's about what he knows to be true of Beth. It's actually his brain being really logical in the midst of the delusion.

The Talk Dead to Me Podcast with Lynn Collins

I listened to the Talk Dead to me Podcast and this week’s guest was—no surprise—Lynn Collins. No huge TD smoking guns or anything, but it was interesting nonetheless. First of all, one of the really big C@ryl accounts was pretty much called out for being a toxic troll.

For anyone who doesn’t know, Lynn Collins gave a different interview a few days back (not this podcast; just a different one) in which she mentioned that Daryl and Carol’s relationship is very mother/son. Just after that, I won’t say the name but one of the most well known C@ryl accounts who can be REALLY nasty to…well…I was gonna say other shippers but pretty much anyone in the fandom who dares disagree with her, called Lynn an ageist for saying that Carol was mothering Daryl.

So, when the podcast began, Johnny O’Dell, who is the host, said that most TWD fans are super cool but a lot of the shippers can be toxic. He doesn't mention any particular ships in accordance to that (I actually think he briefly mentions all of them, saying people ship Daryl with Carol, Beth, Connie, and Rosita the most) but then after saying SOME of the shippers can be toxic, he talked about the post she made calling Lynn Collins ageist and said that was ridiculous and toxic and that we need to be cool to the actors. So, it's very obvious it was her comment he was talking about.

And of course, the ageist thing she accused Lynn Collins of is ridiculous. Not only is it true that Carol and Daryl’s relationship can be very mother/son at times, but saying so is not an insult to Carol. It’s a comment on the nature of the relationship, not on anyone’s actual age. Of course Carol isn’t old enough to be Daryl’s mom. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t mother him.

Then when Lynn Collins came onto the podcast, she addressed the ageist comment. She basically said everything I said above in more detail. She talked about how she was taken aback by being called that because, being a woman over 40 in Hollywood, she actually deals with a lot of ageism. And about how she's a mother, but became one a little later in life (in her thirties, rather than her twenties) and she was shocked that being called a mother can actually be derogatory to some people. It REALLY shouldn’t be. It’s really sad that people would take that as an insult. And then she went on to say that any character can be maternal, even if they're not the biological mother of the person they're mothering. She even said Daryl is somewhat paternal to Carol, teaching her how to gut a fish and everything.

Now, maybe this is neither here nor there when it comes to TD stuff. But one thing I thought was really interesting was that Lynn Collins said when she first started watching the show in S2 or S3, she was actually a Caryler. She wanted them together originally. She also said that eventually she realized that's not where they were going with it and kind of moved on. 

But the thing is, it just proves to me even more that she's being told to talk about it in a particular way. If everything she's said is true: that she was a raging fan and has been in the tags and talking about it a ton (and she says that on the podcast again; that she would get really excited about it and watch with friends and they would tell her to chill, lol) then why on earth would you talk about Daryl and Carol as a mother/son relationship...unless you were instructed to. 

She knows how passionate and sometimes toxic the Caryl ship is because she used to be one of them. So that just drove home for me that this isn't something she would just come up with on her own. And I did like what she said and how she said it. I honestly think she's trying to help the Carylers feel better about things, but also let them down gently. And of course there are some hardcore Carylers, like that account that said the ageist thing, that are just never going to give it up. Not much anyone can do about that.

The only other thing that struck me about the podcast, and also brought to mind stuff said on TTD, is that I'm more and more sure that everyone knows what's up with Leah's character. If she's an illusion (and I'll assume she is until we know different) I think everyone knows that. I think Lynn knows it, Norman, Melissa, all of them. 

For one thing, she said in this podcast that she didn't know if or when she'd be back. That was kind of a slip of the tongue, I think, because we already know she's signed on for S11, and she's announced it. And they're filming. So that's just untrue. And I thought that about Melissa on TTD, too. She said she didn't know what the Leah story line would be, they only told her a little bit back in Bonds when she had to say "her dog." But Melissa is a long time, mainstream cast member. I just don't believe that she doesn't know where the story is going. Again, just something they're instructed to say. But something else occurred to me, too.

When Melissa talked about the "her dog" line on TTD, she said, "there was a line that became a thing." From that, I have to assume she meant that people started to obsess about it online and wonder what the "her" was about. I honestly don't know if anyone other than TD picked out that line, but they might have. Either way, between this, and their reaction to the Caryler's "ageist" comment, it proves that they read the online theories. And of course we all already know that, but there's proof. That ageist comment was posted like 24 hours ago. And already they're addressing it and obviously don't like it and don't want people thinking the show or its actors are associated with that sort of thing.

Which is exactly why I think they HAVE to know about our Leah-is-a-hallucination theory. Even others outside our fandom suspect it. But the writers aren't addressing that. And don't get me wrong: I don't think they will. The Bonds line was literally MONTHS ago, and they waited until the Leah episode to address it. Because otherwise, they'd have to give spoilers and they weren't going to do that. But my point is, if the hallucination theory was not a thing (kind of like Rick being on TWB was not a thing and Lynn Collins being an ageist is not a thing and Beth not being BBQed at Terminus was not a thing) they would be addressing and discrediting it. They aren't. I’m definitely side-eyeing that.

Daryl’s Search for Rick/Beth’s Search for Liquor

This is something my fellow theorists and I were discussing back and forth for a few days. I’m not going to give you the entire conversation, but someone said something about Beth searching for liquor in Still and couldn’t that be a foreshadow? See—you’ll probably hear more about this in coming weeks—but we’ve been rewatching old episodes like Still, Alone, and others, with an eye toward what we’ve learned from S10 and especially the bonus episodes. And we’re realizing there’s a lot more foreshadowing in them than we ever realized before. Most of what’s in them we’ve looked at in terms of the Bethyl romance and of course Beth’s return, but I for one have never thought to go beyond that. Yeah, I REALLY should have.

So here’s the thing. We always talk about Daryl searching for people, but Beth was searching for liquor in that episode. I've never really thought to connect those two things. It either represents the same template of Daryl's search for her, or it might represent her searching for him. But then, those two templates may be one and the same. I need to think on it more and make more connections.

One thing it did make me think of, though, is that there's a theme about not accepting the first and only thing that comes your way, because there's something bigger, better, happier, more fulfilling down the road. So, Daryl didn't want Beth to drink the peach schnapps because that's a weak drink. He wanted her to have a REAL drink. And of course we've talked about this theme in terms of the peach schnapps before.

But we kind of see it everywhere, including in relationships. The small, short term relationships all follow this pattern. Maybe it’s not a terrible relationship, but it’s not true love, either. So they need to move on from it and find the more perfect relationship for them. The locations or homes do, too. So, in 4b, we saw each of the groups stop somewhere and try to stay. And it wasn't so much that they chose not to. More often than not, circumstances forced them to leave. But still. The theme is that it was better that they moved on so a bigger reunion could take place.

And on that note, Leah really still does fit the short-term relationship pattern. If the point was to always show short term relationships that weren't ideal and something better coming down the road, that's why they wanted to do something like this for Daryl. Beth is obviously going to be the much better, more fitting, more fulfilling relationship, where he belongs, etc. But I think they knew they couldn't do that without doing a disservice to Daryl's character. The only way to satisfy both criteria was to make her a hallucination. So the pattern is still there, but for him, it's not a real or literal relationship.

Find Me Theme

So, @wdway​ is the one who reminded me of this. Back in 9x05, Rick gets hurt and starts hallucinating right before blowing up the bridge and being taken to the CRM by Jadis, right? All on the same page? Well, in that episode, there’s a huge theme about Rick finding his family. In every hallucination, he tells the people he sees—Shane, Hershel, etc—that he’s looking for his family and needs to find them. Near the end, he hallucinates Michonne and the others being with him on the bridge, and Michonne tells him that they’re his family and he did find them. Then, just before he shoots the dynamite, he says, “I found them.”

And now we have this episode called “Find Me” where Daryl is obsessively searching for Rick, and there’s a ridiculous amount of Beth symbolism thrown in. Are we seeing the over-arching theme?

So, what does this mean? I don’t think I’ve really pinned it all down, yet. But I do think this is an over-arching theme for the entire show. I think in some ways, “home” and “family” are synonymous, because home is wherever your family is. It’s not a physical location.

But we started out with Rick looking for Carl and Lori. Then Merle went missing, and Daryl searched for him. Everyone searched for Sophia when she disappeared. And the list goes on and on. So it’s a big theme. I’ve always said Andy didn’t leave the show just to spend more time with his family. That’s a happy bonus, I’m sure. But this was always a planned part of the story. Now Michonne is actively looking for Rick, we see Daryl searching for his body. And the reason Beth symbolism is thrown in is because he searched for her, but they didn’t show us that and won’t because it would be spoilery. And Beth is alive, even if Daryl doesn’t know it. And yeah, I could go on and on. Just wanted to point out this theme and how important it is. Which leads me to….

The Three Spikes

The last thing I’ll mention is the grouping of the three spikes he sees both by the door and on the outside of the house that we’ve all been trying to interpret. I kind of had a breakthrough the other night. But the thing is, it’s not just a breakthrough on the three spikes.

It’s kind of a breakthrough on the ENTIRE rule of threes theme. It’s actually kind of epic.

So here’s how I came to this. I was going over the template in my head, yet again, that I mentioned is shown both here, in 6x03, and that will be in the spinoff. So let’s run through it. We’ll use this episode, 10x18, as the example. So, Daryl is searching for Rick, right? And Carol wants him to stop and come back with her to where Zeke and Henry are. Those are two possible choices for him. But there’s also a third: staying with Leah.

Similarly, in 6x03, Daryl goes searching for Rick, rather than staying with Sasha and Abraham. Those are the two things he’s trying to decide between, and he eventually goes back to Sashraham. 

Now, there is actually a third choice there. It’s just that Daryl doesn’t seriously consider it. The third choice is going back to Alexandria to help them. And this IS addressed in the episode because they talk about how they don’t know what happened, but some loud noise pulled half the herd off the road. We, the viewers, know it’s the Wolves, but Daryl, Sasha, and Abe really didn’t know what was going on there. And who is back in Alexandria, spear-heading the defensive against the wolves? Carol!

So you see what I mean. There are three possible choices there: find Rick, go with Carol, or stay with Sashraham. And I’ve said forever that Sashraham = Beth/Bethyl. And of course so does Leah. So the third choice is always the one that represents Beth.

Do you see where I’m going with this? If not, I’ll just tell you. This represents three different paths for Daryl. They’ll diverge at some point and he’ll have to make a choice about which one to take. And then I realized—duh!—they’re all actually represented for us here in this episode. Not only because of what I said above, but because Leah lays them out in her ultimatum. Where do you belong 1) out looking endlessly for your brother 2) back at the communities with your family (i.e. Carol) or 3) here with me.

So those are the three paths that he’ll have to choose between during the spinoff. That’s what the spikes are about, because they specifically dealt with his three choices in this episode. But that may even be the reason they used the rule of threes around Beth to begin with. She’s the third and correct path.

Want more proof this is a thing? @wdway​ sent me this pic after I first told her about it:

And guys, go back and watch this. When he gets to the crossroads, the camera pans around him, showing him being unsure about which path to take.

Then, while writing this up, I remembered that this did this in 6x03 as well:

On the left is Daryl on his bike, rejoining Sasha and Abraham who are coming down from the top.

Yeah, 3 paths. 3 spikes. Rule of 3s. Who’s excited for the spinoff? 🙋

Now, just one more thing not add to this I think you all will like. In re-watching 9x05, there’s the part where Rick hallucinates Shane, right? Well, part of their conversation there is about the “third man.” And I’ve talked about this before, but probably not nearly enough, because it’s more important than most of us give it credit for. Rick and Shane talk about when Rick was shot in 1x01 before the apocalypse hit. They say they thought there was only 2 men, but there was a third they didn’t know about and “that changed everything.”

I always saw that as perhaps a statement about Grady. Because they should have had three prisoners for the hostage exchange, where Dawn only had two (Carol and Beth). But after Rick killed Lambson, they only had two. If they’d had three, Dawn wouldn’t have been able to demand Noah back, because it would have been an even exchange. So the third man would have changed everything.

Another way to think about it is that, if the shot that hit Beth didn’t come from Dawn—and it REALLY didn’t, y’all) then there was another threat somewhere that they couldn’t see and didn’t know about. If they had, they might have been able to guard against it. See what I mean? I genuinely believe they used Rick’s arc in 1x01 as a jumping off point for planning what happened at Grady.

So, when I rewatched 9x05 and heard this conversation between Rick and Shane yet again, it made me think of the three spikes and Daryl’s 3 paths. So what if he only knows about the two paths he can take: look for Rick or go with Carol. But there’s a third path he’s not aware of, yet. But the third path changes everything. Because that’s where/how he’ll find Beth.

Eh, eh?

Okay, well, I’ve given you enough to chew on today. These are just some things we’ve been discussing from the episode that just keeps on giving. ;D Meanwhile, episode 19 will be airing in a few days, and it will be fabulous, too. Probably not quite as epic as 10x18, but still fabulous. ;D Thoughts?

[conservativetranny]

2020 blog update

Hello. No idea if any of you ‘remember’ me but I do seem to have a fair few followers on here. I managed to access the login information for this account and it is safe to say this blog is dead. I denounce everything I stood for on this stupid shit. 

I’m writing this because it’s what the blog deserves. Not looking to be dramatic, not looking for sympathy, in fact I think i’ll get a bit of backlash for this but bring it on. 

The past and the present- a summary

I had this blog when I was 14, unfortunately way too young to have a social media presence (one which carried any responsibility like this one anyway). No matter what age I said I was, no matter how I portrayed myself or how you, my followers interpreted me, I was a sad young trans guy desperately hoping to look big, cool, masculine and stoic, and that manifested in the most toxic way possible. 

I’m 17 now, still very very young, and after developments in my life, especially pursuing my medical transition and becoming happy within myself, I no longer hold such toxic beliefs as I once did. I am happier with myself and no longer feel the need to sacrifice others’ dignity, respect, and unfortunately sometimes on this blog, privacy, for my own. I was a very insecure, stubborn, and ignorant teenager, who dealt with a lot of denial. I’m not blaming the way I treated people online on other factors, but of course external factors came into play. I was dealing with bullying and insecurity, with parental problems, and with loneliness and depression. I seeked some sort of community, and I wanted to push myself away from the ‘weak’ trans community (the way I viewed it at the time). I wasn’t in denial personally, with the fact that I was trans (being gay is a different story- I was in complete denial with the fact that I’m gay), more just with the way other people viewed me (I will expand on this). I could elaborate on the way in which I viewed other people and the way that projected onto my conduction online, but it is a complex and confusing story. I have completely changed my viewpoint on trans ‘discourse’, I am open minded, I am close friends with people I would have turned my ignorant nose up at years ago. I am so proud to say that I am a completely different person now. I grow every day, it seems, and I can assure that I will never return to this ignorant mindset.

Growth

With experience, I have grown too. Obviously, from 14-17 i have become more mature. I have different experiences now as well, for example, I don’t bind often at all really anymore, because its more comfortable and can sometimes make me more dysphoric to know I am binding. I’m bringing this up because I bet you back when I was active on this blog, I would’ve laughed at the more mature, tolerant me, and probably went on a tyrade about how I was a fake trans guy or less of a man for not binding. I often wonder what ‘old me’ would think of ‘new me’. Now obviously, three years isn’t a hell of a big difference, but to a 17 come 18 year old it is. I understand I am not an adult yet, but I’ve always taken pride in conducting myself with a sense of maturity and articulacy, and for this post and platform especially I feel it is appropriate.

The Truscum Mindset

Back when I ran this blog, I was in an echo chamber of like minded people, which didn’t help my ideological development. I watched youtubers like Blaire White and Kalvin Garrah, who I thought gave me a balanced, moderate, and fair opinion which is clear is not the case. Back then I would’ve scoffed at the idea of Blaire and Kalvin and other similar people as being radical or a gateway, but I urge you, if you feel you are slipping to obsession with those ideologies, to seek to widen your opinions and associations. I understand it’s a fairly niche discourse topic, but for me it opened a wider rabbit hole into the alt right. From wanting to fit into the lgbt and wider communities as a masculine male, this opened up the black hole of the alt right, I browsed (now deleted) subreddits and 4chan boards, and forums that put me in a very negative and dangerous place. If you’d like me to make a post elaborating on this, I am more than happy to, but this post is to address conservativetranny.

Denial and owning up to responsibility

Back in 2017/18, I was very much in denial of certain aspects of myself, especially my sexuality. I am gay. I thought that this was, and especially as a trans guy, a demasculating quality. I still deal with those feelings sometimes, as a lot of young gay guys do, but thankfully it does not manifest itself as toxic as it once did. I just wanted to portray myself online as how I thought I wanted to be viewed-I didn’t want to be viewed like ‘any other trans guy’. I wanted to be different, but now I can appreciate individuality and I can also embrace being trans as well.

I used to think that having alt views was the coolest thing ever, which contributed to my slip into the alt right, something on which I’ll elaborate on in later posts. I am now an advocate for deradicalisation, and being rational, truly rational. I’m also an advocate for maturity and owning up to your mistakes.

I have hurt people, especially in my personal life, throughout my time as a stupid, thoughtless immature teenager and i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for that. I now respect the hell out of those people and unfortunately, but definitely rightfully so, they have lost their respect for me. I don’t blame them, because as I said, up until very recently I was a horrible, toxic person. With maturity, in the past half a year I have been able to own up to my mistakes and I am now taking responsibility for that. No excuses, because I was a shitty person. Of course there is a line between excuses and justification, and I hope those which are reading this can distinguish and appreciate this difference.

Self Hatred and Truscum

Back when I ran this blog, it was very easy to tell I was self hating. Everything I wrote on here, pretty much, was hateful except for the odd two posts that were about something unrelated to my ideology. I was extremely dysphoric and in a bad place when I wrote these things and certainly projected my insecurities onto others. I wanted to find a community of different thinking people that would accept me, and this community was certainly the wrong turn. I had a feeling that it was wrong at the time, but I was too naive and cowardly to own up to it and seek a way out. I kind of just naturally fell out of it, a a lot of things happened in my personal life in late 2018 that forced me out of trans discourse and into much more toxic places like the alt right and true crime fandoms, and I think I’ve only recently ‘found myself’ in the past year or so. I might make a post on self growth on the future as I intend to keep this blog to elaborate and voice my opinions on deradicalisation and highlight the importance of owning up and self awareness.

Don’t fall into the rabbithole

I’m not too acquainted with trans discourse anymore, so I’m out of the loop on this one, but I’d imagine that there’s still ‘transmed vs tucute’ ideas. Kalvin Garrah’s community comes to mind, I haven’t watched his videos ‘as a fan’, if that makes sense, for a while now but I am aware he has a large fanbase of young trans teens that were in a similar mindset to where I was back when I ran this blog. I would love for this post to reach his opposers and supporters for that matter, as a means to show them that they don’t have to fall into this cycle of hate which can be very damaging. I used to be an avid fan of Kalvin, and Blaire White, amongst others. I watched exclusively their content alone and formed my opinions around theirs. If you’re doing that now, I urge you to consider other people when you do. Think about the people like Brennan Beckwith, people who were severely impacted and hurt by hateful rhetoric. Those people are human too, and with maturity you will learn that people with different experiences and views are, at the end of the day, the same as you, and they have feelings as well .I’m going to make a post in the future about Kalvin Garrah, certainly, but maybe Blaire White as well.

Why now?

You may be wondering why this post is being made now of all times, and that is a question that has every right to be asked. I feel as if this timing is right because I finally possess the level of maturity needed to own up to my mistakes and tell you that I was wrong and it was certainly wrong to post those opinions and mistakes online for all to see, and put people in my real life on blast like I did.

I had completely forgotten about this blog, and forgot about the rude and ignorant words I had written towards the people in my real life, until chance had it that I was in contact with one of the people mentioned in this post. [https://conservativetranny.tumblr.com/post/169351517511/no-one-pretends-to-be-trans]

I’m not going to go into the nuances of the conversation we had, but it turns out they had, for a while and definitely rightfully so been hurt by the fact that I had mentioned them, by name, in this post. And while I’d of course still like to keep these people anonymous and will not sacrifice their anonymity in order to tell a story or ‘save myself’, this post is quite funny to read back on as I am good friends with the people referred to as ‘P’ and ‘Shadow’ now.

This is the end of this post, as I feel I have said everything I have wanted to say regarding my previous conduct on this blog. I’m going to change my name on this blog and my bio as I do intend on further posts in the future. I’m not sure how many people, if any, this post will reach, but I’m satisfied I have written this anyway. I certainly do plan on writing future posts but I’m not exactly sure how to formulate them. But thank you so much for reading this far, and if you have, I appreciate it.

[skampi835]

Letters (Mitsunari x reader x Ieyasu)

This is another contribution for the Unloved Characters Month event, hosted by @the-moonlight-dreams. Because I had so much fun writing the two before. Motonari: Hell of the Living & Yoshimoto: Corolla Promise. I really wanted to do another one (like an addict).

Fandom: Ikemen Sengoku

Language: english

Starring: Mitsunari x reader x Ieyasu (no real pairing though)

Genre: Fluff 

Warning: none

Prompt: Day 22 - Letters

Word Count: 1.400

Also I have absolutely NO IDEA why the heck Mitsunari’s on this list of unloved characters!😳 I mean, come on!😭😭 Mitsunari’s like the politest, sweetest cinnamon roll on earth (besides Vincent). Hope you enjoy!

"You're smiling like sunshine, again. Is there any good report?" You’re asking, while pouring tea into cups, which sit on the desk. Mitsunari’s raising his head thoughtfully, with that warm, angelic smile of his. "Yes, Lady (y/n). There was a very lovely letter in between again."

“Oh, was there?" Jokingly replying, you’re placeing the teapot on the desk between the two of you. You just brewed it a few moments ago, even though Mitsunari insisted in offering you tea in the first place, when you arrived with his mailing. But you're quite aware, that under no circumstances you should letting him work with boiling water or tealeaves, because you knew how clumsy Mitsunari could be sometimes. Besides it doesn't bother you at all, spending some time with Mitsunari and getting a break from your chatelaine duties, for he was always the politest among the warlords, when you’d first arrived in the Sengoku period. "Is it one of those love-letters?"

You are calling them love-letters in jest, since the first one had arrived a few weeks ago. "You know it's not such a thing." Mitsunari snickers lightly and its sound is warming your heart with delight. "But it's a very comforting letter with good advices I'll have to reconsider. Whoever's sending me this letters must care deeply for me."

A soft smile blooms on your lips as you’re reaching for your cup. "That's awesome. I'm so happy for you, Mitsunari.” Honestly you are more than relieved and thankful as you’ve thought, ever since these short messages from an anonymous individual started.

Mitsunari had a rough time lately, struggling with his self-care, after an incident that happened one month ago. During a combat against some threats from the Ouchi-clan, almost a devastating mistake had slipped through Mitsunaris calculations. It was thanks to Mitsuhide, that nothing dangerously had happened, for he was the one in charge of Azuchi, while Nobunaga was fighting on the front. Prescient thinking, Mitsuhide assumed a siege towards Azuchi, whereas the war had focused with the heated battle. This had made him evacuate the civilians inside the castle walls. Thanks to the kitsunes quick thinking he averted bloodshed among the village and prevented a great loss for Azuchi and the Oda.

Sadly though, Mitsunari’s miscalculation had left him so deeply crestfallen, that he’d fallen back in his old bad habits, even more than usual. It took you an amount of effort, dragging Mitsunari out step by step, of the cloudy thoughts, he’d locked himself to. Lastly it was thanks to those words written in these letters Mitsunari had received for a while, that he’s finally able to smile again, honest and candid.

Plus Mitsunari’s doing a great job, caring about himself again, besides for a few known issues. His place looks more organized, although with a few stacks of books. He’s even almost having a proper meal daily, looking rested and at ease. You had not enough words of gratitude for this unknown individual, who had sent Mitsunari the letters, lifting his spirit in a quite peculiar way.

Mitsunari was so confused when the first letter arrived and after your request, he had lent it to you.

“Stop worrying the people and get some sleep already!

You made a mistake, so what? It happens sometimes. Nothing bad happened, so pull yourself together.

The townspeople are talking that you’re looking tired and they were annoyingly noisy, that you weren't smiling during your last visit. You know how pesky that blabber is?”

There wasn’t any hint to the sender of this letter and after you finished reading, you were puzzled and worried about those harsh words towards poor Mitsunari. You recommended to just ignoring it, but Mitsunari was strangely solemn. “Ignore it? But Lady (y/n), the writer of this letter is probably right.” He confessed mournful and guilty. “I am worrying you and the others, don’t I?”

He’d looked so sad and lost, but after a good night’s rest, like the writer has requested, Mitsunari opened up again. He allowed you to help him, eliminating the mess in his room. Together you slowly established a new routine, that’s good for his self-care. Every time when one of these few letters arrived once in a while, Mitsunari’s amazing bright smile returns on his lips.

“What does this one say?” Curiously you’re asking over the rim of your teacup, that you just had a sip of. Mitsunari’s gently folding the letter and circumspectly tucking it back into its cover, while he's gifting you with an honest and featherlight smile. “It says that I’m not alone, when there’s a tough decision.” He answers with calm in his voice, pausing for a little while, searching for his following words. “I am sorry, but I’d prefer to keep the accurate choice of words a secret this time if you don’t mind.”

“Oh... But of course not.” Compliable you nodded, smiling mindful. “It’s a message just for you, after all.”

Mitsunari’s radiant smile’s remaining ever so lightly and beautiful on his handsome face, brightening even the sunny day outside. “Thank you, for your kindness, Lady (y/n).”

_____

After your nice break, with a delicious cup of tea and some pleasurable chat with Mitsunari, you’d left Hideyoshi’s manor with a good feeling, in order to continue your duties as chatelaine. It was nice, seeing polite Mitsunari so much calmer, than a few weeks ago. His reservation had occupied and saddened you very much, to the point of aching. Seeing him now with the same charming smile and kind yet clear alertness in his amethyst eyes, that you’ve grown so familiar with, makes you almost impossibly happy.

As you returned to Azuchi castle you’re catching sight of someone familiar who was just about to leave, before he spotted you. “Just when I decided not wasting my time any longer.” He mutters in his usual snarky tone. “Ah, Ieyasu, I totally lost track of time.” And you’ve nearly forgotten! For a while now Ieyasu had finally given in to your constant whinings and secretly prosecutions - that weren’t that secret at all - to teach you medical herbalism, biweekly. But telling him that, would’ve make him reconsider this decision, so you quickly add: “I’m so sorry, Ieyasu. I visited Mitsunari before and I guess I’d got a little distracted.”

“You guess?” Ieyasu’s bored scrutinizing glare is drilling through you, while he crossed his arms before his chest. But after a while, he unpleasant sighs. “It can’t be helped. It’s too late for your lesson today.” You’re sighing distressful, which made Ieyasu even looking more annoyed. Exasperated he avoids your gaze. “I can spare some free time tomorrow afternoon. But don’t you dare set me off again! My time’s too valuable.”

With relief you’re smiling happily. “I would never! Thank you, Ieyasu!” -- “You don’t have to thank me for that.” He’s answering stroppy, lifting his gaze again. “How is he doing?”

“He...? Oh, you mean Mitsunari?” You’re asking amazed, before a cute, joyful smile is curving your lips. “He’s doing great, lately. I’d like to believe he’d got over his personal rock bottom.” Suddenly you’re beaming a grateful smile towards Ieyasu. “Your letters helped a lot, truly.”

Regardless of Ieyasu, narrowing his eyes doubtfully, you go on: “Mitsunari showed me the first two letters and the characters are quite similar with your scrawly handwriting in some way. So I figured, that maybe you’re the unknown writer.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. And I don’t care. I don’t write letters.” Ieyasu answers brusque shooting a tetchy frown in your direction like a silent warning. But it couldn’t blur your smile nor falter the knowing look in your eyes. “You always insult Mitsunari, when he’s around you. Yet the last time you spoke with Masamune you’ve said, that it irritades you, seeing Mitsunari’s letting himself being pushed around, when he’s got such an extensive knowledge. I’d like to think, that you’re secretly admiring him.”

If Ieyasu was shooting with his glare before, now he’s definitely striking you down with his killing glance. “What are you babbling?” He blurts out, snapping a painfully irritated “Idiot.” as an extra. Without any hesitation, Ieyasu’s trudging off, his scarf fiercely wafting behind him.

“See, now I have a reason! Thank you, Ieyasu! See you, tomorrow!” You shouted cheerfully after him, whereas Ieyasu just grumpily groans, while he’s hurrying to leave the castle.

[fantranslatorbychoice]

Kakuriyo no Yadomeshi Volume 6 Intermission 3 - Kasuga and O-ryo

T/N: Yep, it’s a double premiere guys, I hope you all enjoy. =)

As always, if you like this translation, you can heart it, share the link, reblog, I just respectfully ask that DO NOT REPOST ELSEWHERE. This is my contribution to the scant English content of this fandom, and I worked really hard to finish this thing, it’s not like I just copy-pasted everything. I even had to build the kanji in Jisho one by one. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.You can rave about this, rant about this, reply, etc. but if possible please link back to this page. If you’re unsure how to do that, just copy the web address of this page. If you’re on a blogsite just insert the web address as a hyperlink as a link back to here. Honestly if this light novel was officially-published in English, I wouldn’t even be doing this right now... And if it did, I’d take this offline to support the publishers and Yuuma-sensei. Creators support creators, is what I believe in. I’ll prolly do 1-5 once 6-10 has been done, or however long I can manage to translate the raw texts, it can take a toll at times.  As previously-mentioned in earlier chapters, if you stumbled upon this one, the two seasons of the anime covered volumes 1-5, so other than the extra details, you didn’t miss much stuff.

No spoilers lol

P261 "Hmph. You're the newly-hired kid? Really, you're named Kasuga? Aren't you a stumpy little tanuki-girl? I am O-ryo, the future Wakaokami. I'll train you under me, and I'll be sure to drill the job of being a waitress into your head."

I remember well, the day that I first met O-ryo sama. I am Kasuga, a Bunmon Tanuki, while still a child was chased off from my home by my Hachiyo Baba-sama to experience the outside world, and along with my uncle Chiaki who also has nowhere else to go, we inquired in, and started working in Tenjin-ya. It was that first day. That person who called me stumpy, has hair and skin as white as snow, it was the conspicuously beautiful snow lady. Her personality is of someone who hates losing. She was a selfish Sempai, but has an indomitable and strong willpower to rise to the top, and I thought that surprisingly, I have come to like this person. As such, in order to gain her dream position of Wakaokami, she exerted herself no matter what it took. P262 A woman who fights her battles to win. I came to her side and I recorded her heroic battles, and I wrote about it in my diary.

"Hey.... Hey, why are you asking something while falling asleep, Kasuga-kun, HEY!" "Whaaaa~" In the middle of talking about something regarding a Hachiyo's marriage at great length, sitting on my heels I was nodding off to sleep. Since early morning I have been with Aoi-chan, and I have been going about here and there. I was feeling confident. I was dozing off in front of Byakuya-sama. Is Byakuya-sama angry or is he surprised? "Good grief. You're a reliable and shrewd girl girl, and I think that it's beyond expectations that you're going to get married to a Hachiyo... yet I am worried that they'll find faults on you. That is a position that has many enemies, do you understand? "Yeah, I get it. I have watched Aoi-chan for a long time. But Aoi-chan is awesome... Even though she's in a disadvantage, she was aware of her own strengths. Furthermore, in Tenjin-ya, when Aoi-chan gets married to Odanna-sama, isn't there anyone who grumbles about it?" "Hmmm. in that case, isn't that a problem? Because nobody's complaining, probably there's a group that's P263 thinking about rubbing her out of existence." "That point, I am fine with that. I plan to not make enemies with my demeanor, an incomptetent person making a blunder. Well, at any rate, from the very start I have been incompetent." "..." Byakuya-sama narrowed his eyes, and with a snap hit the corner of his mouth with his fan. I thought that he was going to say something but, he just scolded me and released me after saying "You can go now" . Wahh, after standing up from sitting on my feet, they fell asleep and started tingling painfully... Holding the Maneki-neko** coin bank, I planned to go back to Yugao. Along the way, the waitresses looked over here, and started gossiping and whispering to each other. Up until now the friends that were calling me in carefree voices, and the sempai that used to fiddle with and pushed me around, now they pass sideways, and bow their heads subserviently, and flees anywhere. Oh well, I could understand why they became like that but... I come in contact with the management staff that were like Shizuna-chan and they are normally composed, but I'm a normal girl, aren't I? I feel like I'm a sore thumb sicking out. "Kasuga, Kasuga" "...Chiaki" From the other side of the hallway, peeping over here looking worried, it was my uncle, the tanuki. T/N: Maneki-neko, the beckoning cat, famously known for bringing in luck. It's said that it was originally named after a cat that waved to a monk to go inside a shrine and the monk almost got struck by lightning or something, so it was a lucky omen. P264 He approached while calling for me. "What is it, from now onwards I'm helping out at Yugao." "It's not that, you were called for by Byakuya-sama, and I got worried somewhat." "It's nothing. It's just that I'm developing a souvenir product with Aoi-chan." "Why you, aren't you scowling at me?" "Why, my relative shouldn't speak about me flippantly." He isn't necessarily overprotective and he wasn't saying anything like that, but ever since the old days Chiaki has been worrying about me. He's just a nice and charming person who took care of me, and he always looks after those that are just like me. Though I'm already fine, even at this age he still worries about me... "Chiaki aren't you staying behind here in Tenjin-ya?" "Yep. I'll continue working here. Even though I was thinking of coming along with you." "It's fine, it's nothing. I've always been taken care of by uncle, I cannot function properly being a Hachiyo's wife." "...Kasuga" His eyes gloomily welling up, holding down the corner of his eyes, Chiaki went "That tiny Kasuga has grown to be praise-worthy" "Ahhh stop it already, don't be gloomy.. Get over it." Shh... Uncle you're annoying. P265 While being paid extra care, I could feel myself fading away. Our relationship, even though we are family, here we cannot become too overly-familiar. The love that tanuki give to each other are the strongest among Ayakashi, as such they aren't entrusted to to other people, which makes tanuki unaware about so many things such as getting close to and connecting with strangers. Those people, now matter how much we studied them, we couldn't find them... With regards to those, I thought I learned those in Tenjin-ya.

"Oh.." In front of the passageway that connects the door to Yugao, there is someone who is sneakily peeping in. Isn't that... "O-ryo sama, what are you doing over that place?" "Kyaaa!" O-ryo sama jumped up suprised. With a sluggish expression, she slowly looked back. Opening her mouth as if about to talk, hesitatingly, she made a weird face by sticking her lower lip out. "H-hmph." In the end, O-ryo sama took her leave without saying anything. P266 I slightly tugged on O-ryo sama's sleeves. "What now?" O-ryo sama icily stared down at me with that severe gaze. Oh well, I've been used to that gaze. "Uhm, I believe so, that O-ryo sama will likely aim to be Wakaokami again." ".... what?" "Within Tenjin-ya, there's something that only O-ryo sama can surely do." Pulling my hands immediately from the hem, I madly dashed towards the inner garden where Yugao was. The O-ryo sama who was aiming to be Wakaokami. And the one who made her dream come true, the O-ryo sama that became Wakaokami. To me, O-ryo sama is dazzling, despite the many enemies she makes, being hated by her colleagues, being gutsy and only wants to rise up into the world. The one I adored. After doing so many different things, O-ryo sama eventually became demoted from Wakaokami, and yet... When O-ryo sama becomes Wakaokami once again. Truly, I support that from the sidelines..

End of Intermission 3, Volume 6. Previous - Chapter 8 Next - Chapter 9

References:

Wonderful site for the youkai references

Other stuff I used to do this: Kodansha Kanji Learner’s Dictionary (you can buy here, I’m not sponsored btw). I was about to buy the older edition but then the newer one came out 2013 so I bought that instead. Worth buying since I was able to find nearly all of the words I needed just by stroke pattern alone.

Merriam-Webster's Japanese-English Dictionary (the red-covered 1996 version is apparently out of print right now). This is what I have been using for a very long time, I bought it when I was still a fetus (yes I am old so what lol), and after so many years, when compared to newer editions, I still prefer this one since its entirety is Japanese-English, the English to Japanese gloss are just 16 pages tops, so you get more Japanese words for your buck. But that’s just my opinion, maybe other people prefer the Jap-En x En-Jap IDEK.

Basic online dictionary, Jisho. Knowledge of verb conjugations  and other words are necessary since not all have entries.

If you can read Japanese, you can buy the whole set in Amazon Japan, they’re shipping worldwide now, I think.

[wild-aloof-rebel]

Some Favorite Fics from 2019

Before I dive into my list, let me send out some love to ALL of the authors who have contributed fic to this fandom this year. There are well over 300 people who wrote Schitt’s Creek fic this year, and you’ve brought joy to so many people and should be super proud of what you’ve written, whether it was only 100 words or 100k. I’ve personally read more than 6.5 million words of fic in this fandom this year, and I want to thank you all for every single one of them. <3

Now, in continuing this year-end love fest we’ve had going on the last few days, I also want to highlight some of my favorite fics from this year. I decided to cut myself off at twenty fics or we’d end up with a list too big to be allowed, lol. I also decided to limit myself to one fic per author in order to spread the love around as much as possible; there would definitely be some repeat authors on this list otherwise. 

And now with all that in mind, I’ll shut up and get on with it. 

Here are twenty of my favorite fics from this year and what I love about them...

this roof is a blanket by withkissesfour • rated M • 3k+ I love Patrick-centric fics. He’s such a beautiful character, but because he isn’t one of the four Roses, we miss out on a lot of his pov in the show, so I’m always here for fics that try to capture that. And this one does it beautifully, focusing on four different but thematically-connected moments in Patrick’s life.

We’re Getting Something for Free by MoreHuman • rated G • 1k+ This is one of those fics where you can see how much Patrick KNOWS David and loves him for exactly who he is. His refusal to let David villainize himself for just being who he is makes my heart so very happy.

Heart of Gold by barelypink • rated M • 40k+ I love love LOVE a good AU, but AUs based on other media can be really tricky to get right. The best ones take elements from both sources and elevate them into something fresh and new, and this fic does exactly that.

now you see me by grapehyasynth • rated T • 4k+ Did I mention that I love AUs? I never get tired of seeing them meet in new ways, and their New York-set blind date in this one just makes me smile a whole hell of a lot.

I’m All Lost (in the supermarket) by sullymygoodname • rated G • 9k+ This fic combines David “Good Person” Rose, headless mannequins, tiny cardboard houses, karaoke, ugly sweaters, and all the friendship and shenanigans you can possibly stand. What’s not to love?

I know, I’m strange, too much light makes me nervous by another_Hero • rated T • 4k+ I’m so in love with the entire premise for this soulmate AU and everything that it says about love and the choices that we make because of it.

Pizza Night by smoulderandbraids • rated M • 4k+ Sometimes you just need to read about them making pizza and making out. Thank goodness this fic exists for those times. It’s a straightforward concept executed perfectly.

cinnamon sugar... by startswithhope • rated T • 1k+ All of startswithhope’s fics have a lovely softness to them that almost seems nostalgic, like you can feel yourself missing them before you’re even done reading them. This one I think captures that feeling best and most explicitly--David’s mood here is exactly that kind of nostalgia. And his thoughts about Stevie near the beginning are something that I’ve found myself thinking about over and over again since I first read this.

On My Way by Distractivate • rated M • 11k+ As much as I love the happy place that is this show, I also really love fic that acknowledges that sometimes relationships are hard, that things aren’t always perfect, that love is a CHOICE which has to be actively made again and again and again. This fic showcases exactly that. Love isn’t always easy, but choosing to love each other anyway is always worth it.

around us by lamphouse • rated G • 1k+ This one is a simple idea, written with a soft touch, and every time I re-read it, I’m crying by the time David says “I want to stand still.”

of all the riches. by falconeggs • rated T • 9k+ Who doesn’t love a good celebrity AU? This one is as cute as you could possibly want it to be, from their first meeting to taking their relationship public. It’s just a little slice of joy.

Overreacting by codswallop • rated M • 17k+ Fics dealing with hospital visits and illnesses and things of that sort can easily tip over into whumpy territory (which is totally fine if that’s what you’re looking for), but this fic goes a different direction and manages to be funny and sweet and charming while balancing the anxiety of waiting for news. David and Patrick’s dynamic here is so good; they’re both sharp and funny and vulnerable and messy in turn, joking like normal when they can, lifting each other up when they can’t.

101 by Hth • rated E • 8k+ Like I said, I love fics that acknowledge that things aren’t always perfect, and there’s nothing more rife for imperfection than a first night spent together. Their night at Stevie’s is the perfect setting for starting to navigate some difficult conversations, especially in the wake of Jake’s unexpected appearance, and this fic does a great job of getting them through the nerves and the talking and the the stops and starts of that night. And their last two lines of dialogue are perfection.

The Sidelines by wildhoneypie • rated T • 5k+ Comedy is so much harder to write than you might expect, and I am constantly awed by how well this fic does it. It feels effortless and in-character and in line with the kind of humor that beats at the heart of the show, all while still capturing that instant, playful attraction between David and Patrick. It’s just such a fun read.

holy sick divine by earlylight • rated T • 36k+ If the tags “Strangers who Met in a Field to Coworkers to Friends to Lovers” and “Paperwork - But Make It Sexy” don’t endear you to this fic before you even start it, I don’t know what to tell you. My favorite part of this story is actually the role reversal of Patrick being Stevie’s best friend, Patrick having dated Jake, etc. That’s just one way that this fic takes everything we know and turns it on its head, and it does it with good humor and such a strange sweetness. It’s utterly unique, and the final scene just burrows down into your heart and sets up house there.

A Fair Return by thingswithwings • rated E • 237k+ This is probably the most insanely well-crafted canon retelling I’ve seen in my life. It adds so much backstory to the show and makes you rethink scenes you know intimately, which is what any good canon retelling should do. The OCs and the ways they’re carved into the structure of the story we know are where this fic particularly shines; it’s so, so well done.

my heart was broke, my head was sore by blueink3• rated M • 31k+ I think the only thing better than fake dating might be the exact reverse: having to pretend you’re not dating when you are. Even though they’re technically together, there’s just so much opportunity for pining and angst (both of which blueink3 always does SO fucking well), and this fic takes that to another level by adding in the fragile newness of their relationship and the anxiety of a family medical scare. David is so, so careful with Patrick here, and I love every single word of it.

let’s go dancing in the light by goingmywaydoll • rated G • 2k+ It was so difficult to narrow this down to one fic by goingmywaydoll because I absolutely love everything she does, but ultimately I went with her first one for this fandom. I’m SUCH a sucker for David and Patrick seeing each other before the wedding, and David having anxiety about not having anxiety is pretty much the most David thing possible. The characterization, the dialogue, the whole entire mood of the fic--it’s all absolutely spot-on. This one is everything I could ever want from wedding fic.

for feelings unbound by wardo_wedidit • rated E • 20k+ Picking one single fic by wardo_wedidit was also a near-impossible task, but ultimately I had to go with this one because it’s honestly perfect. David’s empath abilities add SO much to his characterization and the trajectory of his relationship with Patrick, and it fills this fic with so many gorgeous moments that leave you feeling like maybe there really is magic in the world--and this fic has plenty of it.

Watching Through Windows by helvetica_upstart • rated E • 38k+ Every single moment of this fic is heartbreaking in the best possible way. Reading it is like cracking yourself open and then putting yourself back together a little stronger. Watching David learn about the man he’d grown into and have to decide if he wants to (or even can) become that man all over again is simultaneously gut-wrenching and soul-healing. And Patrick in this fic--god, what can I even say about him? He’s so understanding and GOOD, even when he’s terrified and heartbroken. He is absolutely everything. Everything. This story is 100% perfection from start to finish, and the bench scene in particular is hands down the best scene in any fic I’ve read this year.

[slugterrathoughtsandtheories]

Thought #2 - Seasons Review

Note: Although the Slugterra wiki states that season 1 has three periods, I will count it as 3 seasons.

Season 1: “Firm Foundation”

Season 1 is what dictates whether that this series will last longer than one season. Slugterra pulls it off by establishing a firm foundation of this series. The first two episodes introduce us to the world of Slugterra and the main characters. It focuses on the worldbuilding such as the geography, species, slugs and the culture. It also establishes the basic laws in the world like slugs need to reach 100 miles per hour to transform, slug energy is required for the survival of caverns, etc. It also establishes the main characters well - regarding their personalities, motivations, beliefs and skills.

Season 2: “The Grey Area Season”

The first two episodes of season 2 clearly indicates that this series is going to be serious, and it is by introducing the grey area. The grey area changes our perception of Will Shane and Dr. Blakk by showing that Will may not always be a good hero, while Dr. Blakk is more of a complex villain. This season gives us great characters like Twist, Dana Por, Shanai, The Gentleman and Quintin. It also gives us interesting stories such as Eli having to stop Gar Revelle from discovering a way to the Surface and underwater slinging. This season proves that Slugterra can be more than a kid’s show and has the potential to be a great series.

Season 3: “Trying to Raise Up the Stakes”

When I say “trying to raise up the stakes”, I really mean it. The first episode of season 3 does show that there’s an even greater threat - greater than Dr. Blakk - and that’s the Darkbane - the demon like creatures. It is a great establishment, but I feel that the threat ends up a bit diminished as the season progresses, especially the fact that Dr. Blakk has made a deal with them. Not to say that it’s a bad idea, but I prefer Dr. Blakk being a more complex villain. The middle of the season feels like a filler until they decide to raise up the stakes with Dr. Blakk escaping prison, conquering caverns and mass-ghouling slugs to allow the Darkbane to reach Slugterra. The filler episodes may have made the ending not that well-earned due to its inconsistency. Then again, they are going to open new ideas now that the main villain is gone.

3 Movies: “New Era Trilogy”

“Ghoul from Beyond” is quite an average start of a new era of Slugterra. The movie tends to focus more on the past by feeding us information from previous episodes and off-screen scenarios due to a time jump. Though, the movie is able to earn the trust of the fans by giving us a new formidable villain and a mysterious character. “Return of the Elementals” is able to pay off the building of a new era by giving us the character Junjie and his conflict with the Shane Gang that threatens to ruin their world-saving plan. Although the movie ends with the Shane Gang planning to save Will Shane, the story takes a break in “Slug Fu Showdown” as Junjie teaches Eli Slug Fu while the others must look after the Elemental Slugs. In my opinion, “Slug Fu Showdown” is a pretty weak movie. It does have some great scenes but it also ruins Pronto’s character and makes Eli too powerful - the cons outweighs the pros. Aside from “Return of the Elementals”, the two movies kinda have given us a premonition of the future of Slugterra.

Season 4: “Eastern Caverns Season”

This is where tons of new ideas come to play - the gateways that lead to potentially different Slugterra worlds. It can be used to find Will Shane, but first, let’s explore the Eastern Caverns, Junjie’s home world! Definitely not a bad idea, and it has a firm start with its movie. I remember fans coming back from the theater to declare that Junjie is a precious cinnamon roll - oh yes, he is! His popularity even rivals the Shane! This season focuses much on bringing the Eastern Caverns back to its former glory, gaining new allies and enemies, and ensuring the Emperor is truly defeated. My issue of this season is that it’s too short and we don’t get the chance to explore the world a lot (it focuses more of a world “under China” than a world “under Asia” that has a diverse society and culture). Another issue is that the Shane Gang - either Eli, Kord, Trixie or Pronto saves the day in the majority of the episodes, instead of Junjie, who is the protector of the Eastern Caverns. Junjie is severely undermined and perhaps his only real contribution to saving the day is pushing the Emperor down to the Deep Caverns. Nevertheless, the season ties up neatly in a feel of “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi” with a satisfying conclusion for our beloved character Junjie, who certainly has grown a lot!

Into the Shadows: “Fallen Era”

Remember when I say that “Ghoul form Beyond” and “Slug Fu Showdown” (and including the beginning part of “Eastern Caverns”) kinda have given us a premonition of the future of Slugterra? Yup, “Into the Shadows” is the movie that makes this premonition come true. The movie is everything what I fear that it will go down - the constant emphasis on one-dimensional characters that the Shane Gang will have no problem in dealing with them, and the ignorance of actual great characters. Unfortunately, it did happen - the King of Sling, Locke and Lode and the Scrap Force return once again. I hate it (though the King of Sling is inevitable due to “Eastern Caverns”). 

Although the conflict between the Shane Gang and the Shadow Clan is interesting, the movie instead chooses to focus much more on Tad, who I describe as a “bad copycat of Twist”. I don’t mind him being so obvious as the son of Dr. Blakk, but I am puzzled by its weak motivations - he just wants to prove that he’s better than his father (come on, nobody knows you, Tad. They don’t even know Dr. Blakk has a son, heck, maybe Dr. Blakk doesn’t even know he has a son!). Tad kinda gives the vibe of a 13 year old who wants to be popular. To make the movie worse, the story gives us more questions that are left unanswered, fracturing the plot and the series as a whole. I remember seeing many fans giving up the series entirely after the announcement of “Into the Shadows”, describing the plot as a badly written fanfiction and possibly viewing Tad as a replacement of Junjie. What’s worse is that the company decides to advertise the movie a lot, and even attempt to erase Junjie and the Eastern Caverns out of existence (and they also have a video of slugs dancing to “Despasito” on Facebook). 

Many fans feel betrayed and choose to leave the fandom, but I give the movie a chance. Although I am disappointed by it, I still want to see more episodes. The movie is supposed to start a new season, but it ends up not leading anywhere, and my friends say that the voice actors have told them that the series is cancelled. In addition, they disable the comment section of their YouTube videos since fans keep leaving comments whether there would be new episodes. 

As I look back the movie, I believe that the season will focus on Eli learning to find a balance - to care for his people and the slugs. Eli may become more mature than the previous seasons as he starts to open his mind to accept other people’s perceptions on his duty as a Shane. Perhaps Eli will become what Shanai wants him to be, and we may see some great characters returning - Dana Por is a strong possibility as she has the Shadow Walker for safekeeping and the Shane Gang will need her since they and the Shadow Clan are in conflict. Perhaps Eli will only manage to save his father once he achieves the balance. It is a great concept as it will flesh out Eli’s character very well as he’s accused as a “Gary Sue” by a number of fans. Unfortunately, we may never see it come true as this season blows up badly by one poorly executed movie as its starting point.

[aceadmiral]

[Cross-posted to Wordpress]

Let’s talk for a second about asexual characters (and in fact most sorts of minority characters, but I have a Brand(TM)) and in particular how those characters reverberate in and are received by fandom.

I have this story from 2010 that I really adore. In it, there’s a sort of comedy-of-errors about a particular character’s sexual behaviors, and several times the point-of-view character is forced to reassess and realign their understanding of the situation as more and more of the assumptions undergirding the initial understanding prove false. It remains to this day one of my favorite “acefics”--but the character at issue is arguably not asexual.

Now, some of this is time period/background. I have been involved in conventional media fandom for long enough that there were no canonically ace (or, really, queer) characters, and therefore much more primed to read into things that were not explicitly stated. Sometimes, it really was just a function of the time (e.g. an excellent fic from 2008 that I had always read as asexual got the tag added when it was archived at AO3 years later), but sometimes... the author’s intentions were either ambiguous or completely absent. Sometimes a character or fanwork just resonated.

I’ve seen a couple of discussions recently where people have said certain canonically ace characters just didn’t work for them, and some of those people even expressed remorse at not being able to identify with the portrayals. Maybe they have even grown past the basic (and, lbr, often awkward) presentations in a lot of these woks. I’ve mentioned before, also, people have told me that they even will avoid ace fiction because they feel so let down by it when it doesn’t work for them.

Examining these feelings of guilt, though: I don’t think they’re really productive in any way. In fact, I think we’re kind of doing it to ourselves by conflating representation with visibility.

Specifically, there are two functions of representation: 1) to allow marginalized groups to “see” themselves and remove omission-imposed limitations on what they can be while building up confidence/self-esteem, and 2) to have society at large remove limitations on what people from marginalized groups can be (like) and make them less marginalized/invisible/omitted.

The monomania on the subject of visibility has put high emphasis on out, explicit asexual characters in media--and that’s important. It’s the only viable way to achieve representation goal 2. But if you’re looking for but not really connecting with those canon ace characters, fandom is the only place to turn to, both for recommendations and for fanworks. As I look at fandom today, though, it seems it’s bled over into fanon, too. Blogs that tell you the “asexual character of the day” are fun, and I have no complaint against them per se, but just suggesting that a particular character could be asexual does not really contribute much to representation goal 1. It especially does not contribute at all to any exploration of asexual ideas or relationships or concepts--which fiction is really uniquely situated to do.

To put it another way, I have this fic I started writing basically on a dare, and because it was not fleshed out beyond the gimmick, in the process of writing, it inevitably took on a dimension of relationship negotiation (shocking, I know) where they end up in a non-traditional relationship structure that one might even term a form of “queerplatonic,” despite neither of the parties being arospec or ace by orientation. Although I’ve considered it several times, I’ve never been able to bring myself to tag it in such a way, though, because I have a strong suspicion I would start getting comments where readers felt “tricked” or at the very least confused as to why this story would pop up in ace tags.

But for me, at least, fics like it and the one I mentioned at the beginning explore important themes and ideas. They build towards goal 1 regardless of the fact that they will never and were not attempting to build towards goal 2. That flexibility of thought and of lens is something I think we need to explicitly encourage--because I really don’t like hearing about people feeling alienated from seeing themselves in fiction. Representation goal 1 is just as important.

[queenborhapreaderships]

Wherever Loyalty Lies

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Ship: Daryl Dixon/Reader (with a hint of Negan/Reader)

Word Count: 4.9k

AO3 link

Description: “When Rick’s group abandons you after you’re hurt, Negan’s men find you in the woods and take you back to The Sanctuary. Negan takes a very special interest in you. You're more or less his favorite. How do you adapt to this new life while still trying to make sense of your past one? What happens when you come face to face with your family that left you all alone?”

***

“Rick!” you cry out in pain and grasp at your side, trying to find and apply pressure to where the bullet ripped into your skin. “Daryl! Glenn!” You call desperately, crawling towards where you last saw your group disappear into the trees in an attempt to flee the massive herd of walkers right behind you. You finally find the wound and squeeze, flinching at the pain it causes.

Glenn didn’t mean to hit you, he really didn’t. It was a normal supply run. Until it wasn’t. You were all out gathering provisions and trying to find food to supplement Alexandria’s ever-dwindling supply. When you heard the groans, you all thought that you could take them because there weren’t too many walkers. Nothing you hadn’t taken out before. Unfortunately though, those initial walkers were only a small taste of what was to come. Once the real body of the hoard appeared from the trees, it became evident that there was no fighting them, their numbers were overwhelming. Daryl nailed a few in the head while Rick and Glenn shot at anything too close for comfort.

As you were all running away from the growing threat, you tripped on your own feet, stumbling and letting out a yelp in surprise. Glenn could only assume you were being attacked, so he whipped around and fired, striking you right below your ribcage. You were in too much of a daze to see what happened next, beyond your supposed family completely ditching you in favor of the shelter of trees.

A groan snaps you back to reality, although you’re unsure if it came from you or the walker right behind you.

“Shit” You mutter under your breath, attempting to stand up to find safety. After a grueling five seconds, you hobble to the dilapidated gas station that rests beside you. You hope that maybe if you can find the bathrooms, you can wait it out and try to find your way back to Alexandria and ask what the fuck happened. Within seconds, you find them and slam the door shut, collapsing down behind it.

You hiss in pain as you begin to examine the damage done. Realizing the bleeding must be stopped if you want to survive another night, you slowly reach up and start unhooking your arms from your favorite sports bra. You shimmy it down your abdomen, in hopes that the pressure it provides is enough to tide you over until the hoard clears. You remind yourself, your chances of coming out of this alive are highest if you stay awake, but you can’t seem to help your eyelids drifting shut.

You awake suddenly to the sound of voices and heavy footsteps. The hoard must’ve cleared, but how long were you out? You look down at your makeshift bandage, and to be honest, it’s not looking very good. Rick, Glenn, and Daryl must not have come looking for you. You frown and try to stand up to avoid being trapped in, but you’re instantly dizzy and collapse back down in a heap. “Must be the blood loss,” you murmur to yourself. Unfortunately, your failed attempt at a graceful exit brought the attention of the men stomping around over to you.

“Hey, Dwight, did you hear that? Get your ass over here.” a voice calls out. You hold your breath, knowing people these days are rarely a good thing. Especially in groups. The footsteps grow louder and you shrink away into a stall, hoping to avoid being spotted. Your feet disappear from sight just as the door the bathroom is kicked open.

“Probably just a raccoon or something,” a gruff voice replies.

“I don’t know, man, I could’ve sworn I heard something bigger” The men stalk further into the room. Someone begins kicking the stalls open and your heart drops. This is it, this is the end, you think to yourself. After all this time, everything you’ve been through, everyone you’ve met. You’re gonna die, bloody and alone because your family left you for dead. When they reach you, it’ll all be over. Not even taken out by a walker, which is ironic after everything you’ve been through. Eventually, they reach your stall and kick it open, just like the rest.

“Oh, now what do we have here?” one of the men chuckles to himself. He’s got long blonde hair and he looks like something straight out of a Tim Burton movie. The man by his side is shorter but looks just as strange with a bushy mustache resting upon his face. Mustache man reaches to pull out his gun, but Tim Burton character stops him.

“Whoa whoa whoa there, Simon, don’t you think the boss would like to take a look at her?” So mustache man is Simon, which means Tim Burton character must be Dwight.

“Yeah, we need all the brownie points we can get” Simon snorts as he steps forward grabbing your arm roughly and dragging you out of the stall. You bite back a groan as a surge of pain shoots through your side. The men don’t seem to care.

“Oh come on, you pussy, there are doctors where we’re taking you. You’ll be fine,” Dwight says, but for some reason, his words aren’t exactly the most reassuring thing in the world. You stumble along, remaining in Simon’s grip the whole time. Once you get outside, he flings you carelessly into the back of their truck and once again, you can’t help but slip into a blood loss-induced sleep.

~~~

You awake with a start, shooting up in what appears to be a hospital bed? That doesn’t make sense. You look from left to right frantically, trying to gather your bearings. Then the events of the past 5 hours hit you like a load of bricks and you lie back down slowly, pulling at your arms that you now realize are cuffed to the side of the bed.

“Nice of you to finally join the land of the living” calls a voice from the other side of the room. The irony of this statement isn’t lost on you. “Now I’m sure you’re confused as to where you are, what’s going on, so on and so forth. Answers will come soon enough, my dear. All you need to know now is that you are alive and you will continue to be so if we change your bandage routinely” You glance down at where your bra was once your lifeline. It has been replaced with a real bandage and what you assume to be a few stitches underneath.

“I... uh… thank you?” you stutter out, breathlessly, still trying to process what exactly is happening.

“You’re one of the good ones, aren’t you?” he says almost wistfully, coming in closer to inspect your face, brushing a few locks out of your line of vision. “There aren’t many of you left in this world, especially not here”

“Where is here?” you press on cautiously

“Your new home” he answers. Well, that’s not vague, you think to yourself. You shake your arm, rattling the cuffs.

“A little help here, maybe?” you ask, a small shimmer of hope still in your voice despite your meek circumstances.

“I would if I could, but I’m not the one calling the shots”

“Who is?”

“Negan” and with that, the strange man walks out the door.

~~~

After a few weeks, well, to be honest, you weren’t sure how long it had been. After what felt like a few weeks of living out of the hospital room via the doctor, you’ve finally regained almost all functionality the bullet took away from you. The doctor walks in and gives you a smile, that looks partially like a grimace. You wonder what’s up.

“So it seems you've recovered enough to meet the man upstairs,” the doctor says, almost cynically. After all this time, you’d actually grown rather close with him, being your only human interaction and all. Of course, you were annoyed that you were being held against your will, but in all reality, you couldn't complain. You were being fed well and regularly, but you also couldn't help but be extremely curious as to why this group took you under their wing when you had nothing to offer in return. You snort and think to yourself, this must be what Stockholm Syndrome feels like.

All the alone time you had left you only with your thoughts. You couldn’t help the anger, confusion, and hurt bubbling up inside you whenever you thought about how your so-called friends left you for dead. There had to be some kind of misunderstanding, right? Well, whether that be the case or not, it doesn’t change the fact that they left you and didn’t even check back up to see if you survived. If they don’t need you anymore, you don’t need them.

“Ahhh, so I finally get to meet the infamous Negan?” you ask, but before the doctor has a chance to respond, the door flies open and a booming voice echoes throughout the room.

“Now is the (y/n) that I’ve been hearing so much about? Let me tell you, you are, in fact, just as stunning as I’ve heard” you were too flustered to respond. There’s something… off about this guy, you think to yourself. Something that may be contributing to that feeling is the large baseball bat he’s carrying that’s covered in what appears to be… barbed wire? What the fuck? “What? Cat got your tongue?” he asks, encouraging you to speak up. You swallow the lump in your throat and try your best to sound confident.

“No, it’s just finally nice to meet the man behind the madness. I mean that in the best way possible, of course” you laugh, backpedaling from a statement that could be perceived negatively. “I really appreciate you taking me in and all, I don’t know how I could ever make it up to you,” you say, humble in front of this man who basically prevented your death, multiple times. He was intimidating, yes, but that isn’t to say he’s not surprisingly attractive.

“I could think of one or two ways,” he says, raising his eyebrows, leaning in, and winking at you. You can feel a blush rise upon your cheeks. Really? This man is hitting on you? He could have anyone in this camp, being the leader and all, and he’s coming on you? Something doesn’t add up. You really want to know where this is going, so you decide to play along.

“Ohh, and how’s that?” you say, in your best seductive voice, although it might be a little rusty from underuse considering it’s only the motherfucking apocalypse and all. You don’t really know what you’re getting yourself into, but getting in close with the leader is never a bad thing, is it? Negan whips around and points the bat at the doctor.

“Would you give us a minute alone please?” Enunciating every syllable, as if his life depends on it.

While he phrased it as a question, you were getting the vibe that it was more of a direct order. The doctor doesn’t have to be asked twice, he nods to you and removes himself from the room. This man has a clear aura of authority, what he says goes. You make a note of this before speaking to him again. He turns back around and his eyes wander up and down your body.

“Now, by this point, I’m sure you’re aware that I find you exceptionally beautiful, so I have a proposition for you. How would you like to be my wife?” At this incredibly blunt statement, your eyes widen and you choke on your words, the previous confidence you built up completely gone. “Oh, it’s a good deal, I promise. I’m hot shit around here, so I could get you practically anything you want. Plus… you’ve got access to all the alcohol you could ever want” He was right, that’s not exactly a bad deal. I mean, hell, what’s your alternative? You’re not sure, but you’re sure it’s not as pleasant.

“I… I would be honored,” you say, confused and, to be honest, a little awestruck.

“Well that’s just fanfuckingtastic,” Negan says, a shit-eating grin glowing on his face. He steps over to help you up out of the hospital bed. “Now, if you’ll come with me, I can show you around, and we can get you dressed” He walks you out into the hallway and up the stairs. You look over the ledge at the large room below you. There are people who appear to be working, all dressed in rags, looking miserable. Yeah, you definitely picked the long stick.

As Negan walked through the halls people, his men, you assume, would kneel and avert their eyes. That’s when it really set in, how much power this man has. You can’t fuck this up, you don’t get the feeling he’s a very merciful guy. Finally, at the top of a winding staircase, you reach Negan’s room. The minute you step in, you understand. The room is filled with 12ish absolutely stunning women in black, sleek dresses.

“What? You didn’t think you were the only beautiful girl left in this shithole of a world, did you?” Negan asks, wryly. A brunette girl sitting on the couch throws you a sympathetic look. “Follow me, let’s get you into your dress”

~~~

You emerge back into the room with the other girls, looking gorgeous, as Negan has told you. Multiple times. He certainly is quite the flirt, you think to yourself.

“Now ladies, I’d like you all to give your newest sister, (y/n), a warm welcome. I’ll be back tonight” he says and with a wink and a slap of your ass, he’s gone. You stand frozen, like a deer in headlights, extremely confused about the events of the last hour. The girl from the couch seems to catch wind of this and she walks over to you.

“Hey,” she says in a soft voice “Do you wanna come sit with me? My name’s Ariel. I might be able to answer some questions or help you get settled in, whatever you’d like” her eyes are soft and movements gentle. You give a faint nod and follow her back to the couch. She pours you a glass of red wine and takes a seat. “Welcome to Negan’s man cave,” she says, disdain evident in her voice. The two of you chat for a while. She talks you through the ins and outs of being one of Negan’s wives. Sex whenever he wants and you can’t have any sort of relationship with another man, Negan gets very jealous very easily. That’s not a side of him you particularly want to see, so you can live with that. In return, you get food, shelter, and safety. This is the first time you’ve had that since, well, before the apocalypse. To survive in this world, it looks like you’re just gonna have to suck it up because you could be starving to death right now.

~~~

You live on like that for a while. Your weekly…. meetings with Negan have been constantly growing in frequency. From what you can tell, he really really likes you. He’s started bringing you downstairs and out of the mancave to come with him as he strolls around The Sanctuary because he “just likes your company, (y/n)” You’ve gotten used to his authority at this point, and it almost… turns you on? You try not to think about it too much. You’re safe and content with the turn your life has taken and that’s all that matters. Sure, you think about your old group a lot. You miss Tara, Michonne, Maggie, Carl, Carol. You miss everyone. Especially Daryl. You two had shared your first kiss the week prior to your split from the group. It’s something that has been budding since Atlanta, but you had just now gained the confidence necessary in order to make the first move. You loved him, you really did. They were your family for 7 years, but they left you. That was their decision, and if they don’t need you, why burden them with your presence? You groan and roll your eyes. You’ve gotten too far in your own head again. Where’s Negan? He’ll definitely distract you in one way or another. You’ve reached the point of familiarity around The Sanctuary where all of its guards and men know you. They know to give you whatever you want or let you go where ever you want, or there will be hell to pay.

You walk around The Sanctuary for a while, Negan nowhere in sight. Eventually, you decide to check out front. You make your way past the front door guards. With a curt nod, they step back and let you take your leave. Just as you’re walking down the steps you hear a voice and turn around.

“Oh, uh, (y/n), Negan is out by the driveway packing the truck for his next pick up. If that’s who you’re looking for, that is.” the guard offers with a smile.

“It is, thank you so much,” you say “I’ve been looking for him forever, I really appreciate the help” Is he… blushing? Wow, you must have a lot more influence around here than you thought. You continue on your way, smiling softly. You see Negan in the distance, Lucille slung over his shoulder, he saunters around like he owns the place, and well, he does. His eyes eventually drift over to you.

“Ahh, (y/n), my favorite little girl! It is so good to see you right now” he comes over to you, kissing you softly on the cheek. “You know what? I’m sick of dealing with all of these men on my own, how’d you like to come on this run with me? No pressure, but I’d sure love to have you along for the ride” It’s not like you’ve got anything better to do, plus, you’re always curious about that Negan does on all of these mysterious outings. Guess it’s your turn to find out.

~~~

After around an hour-long drive, the trail of trucks finally comes to a halt. You look out the window and see what appears to be a camp, and of decent size too. Why are the saviors here? You’re completely oblivious to the absolute hell that these people have been subjected to by the hands of your people, but you were about to find out.

“Negan, where are we?” You ask, looking around with a curious look in your eyes.

“All in good time, my love,” He says and steps out of the truck, offering you his hand to assist your descent. You take it and follow him through the gates. There’s a group of 5 men out to meet the saviors, but the rest of the streets are completely dead. You furrow your eyebrows and glance up at Negan. He gives you a smile and turns to deal with the men before him.

“Ah, so I see when I say give me half of your shit, you actually expect my men to go in and get it, because sure as fuck don’t see half of your shit waiting for me” He raises his eyebrows expectantly and is met only with silence and averted eyes. “Now that would really be going the extra mile, but if you want these brutes rifling through your shit, fine by me” He throws the five a wicked grin and waves his hand, signaling his men to begin searching. So, Negan’s power extends beyond The Sanctuary, apparently. Negan grabs your hand and pulls you over to the side.

“Any questions?” He asks, voice genuine.

“I just, is this where we get all of our stuff? Just… taking it from other groups?” You ask

“Well of course not, darling. You don’t think we actually need this worthless shit, do you?” you shrug, he chuckles softly. “All I’m really doing here is flexing. Showing these people who’s boss” you hum in understanding and he plants a kiss on your forehead before walking away to check on his men's progress.

You wander back over to the trucks and avoid contact with anyone who isn’t from The Sanctuary. This other camp, The Orchard, you believe it’s called, didn’t do anything to deserve Negan’s wrath. You’re sure of it. Negan is good to you, that’s for certain, but you can’t seem to ditch this feeling in the pit of your stomach that this, all of it, is just wrong. But then again, it’s your life. You don’t really have any choice except to embrace it, and shove down all of your doubts, however reasonable they may be.

~~~

It’s been months and you’ve tried to expose yourself to Negan’s excursions as much as possible in an attempt to become numb. Now, you can’t exactly guarantee how successful your efforts have been, but the thought is there. So, when Negan asks you if you want to tag along today, you go willingly, even though it’s practically dusk. After a 30ish minute drive, the trucks pull over and you look out the window, confused. There’s no gate or fence or community anywhere. You step out of the truck and walk around.

The minute your eyes reach the group completely at Negan’s mercy, your heart drops. Suddenly it's hard to breathe. There they are. Your old family. You’re completely frozen. Negan hops out of the truck, as usual. Your palms begin to sweat. He walks around the truck to open the door for you. You still can’t move. You’re just staring at them. All of them. They look… horrible. You’re not used to this. Not at all. They were all so strong. Negan, you think. Negan must have done this to them. Looking at them, with their heads down, completely at the mercy of these tens of men with guns. Lots and lots of guns.

“Come on, hon,” Negan says, offering you his hand. You snap out of your daze and tentatively take his hand. Just like usual. But. This isn’t just like usual.

Members of Rick’s group begin to look up, all seeming to have a similar reaction to you. Utter disbelief. Your eyes skim the row. Carl and Rick and Maggie and… your breath stops in your throat. Daryl. He’s cowering down, shawl wrapped around his shoulders. He is not okay. You swallow down a lump and take a few steps forwards.

“(Y/N)...?” a soft voice calls out. Your eyes shoot to the origin. Glenn. It was Glenn. His eyes are wide, a mixture of relief and betrayal rest clearly upon his face. “You’re… you’re alive?” He asks, incredulously.

“(Y/N)” Negan shouts. “You know these assholes?”

“I… They…” You stutter, mind reeling to find an acceptable answer that won’t piss him off. “Remember when Simon and Dwight found me in that gas station? With the bullet wound? Well. That was courtesy of these guys” You gesture wildly at the line. “I rode with them before ya’ll saved me,” You say, emphasizing the last two words, knowing it had to have stung Rick, Daryl, and Glenn. But, looking back on the past year or so in The Sanctuary, you can’t very much bring yourself to care.

But there it is again. That creeping sensation of… what? Loyalty? You’ve been trying to shove it back into whatever crevice of your mind it crawled out of, but it’s absolutely ruthless. Memories keep unwillingly flooding back to your mind. When you had each other’s backs. When you were a family. Family. You don’t notice you’ve begun to cry until you taste the salt gathering at the corners of your mouth. You’ve known that the power Negan holds is wrong for so long, and you’ve been ignoring it out of self-preservation. But it’s more than that now. It’s them. It’s your family. You snap out of your trance and glance back over to Negan, pacing in front of the line, sadistically twirling Lucille. That’s it. You can’t take it anymore.

“Negan, stop” You shout, the strength in your voice surprising even yourself. His eyebrows shoot up and he turns on his heel. He seems to be taken aback, which, clearly doesn’t happen very often to a man of his standing. You know you can’t show any weakness now. There’s no going back. You look from Negan to those kneeling, looking back up at you with hopeful eyes. That solidifies what you’re about to say. That makes everything worth it. “Negan. This isn’t right. This is… this is…” you struggle to find the right word. “Evil. This is evil. And. I know you. I know you can be gentle. You can be generous. But. You can also be evil. These people,” you say, glancing over at the group. “These people are good. They don’t deserve what you” you stop yourself, “what we are putting on them. We can survive without, whatever this is. This cruelty.” You say, looking him in the eye the entire time. He’s frozen. You’ve never seen him like this before. You understood that you meant something to him, you were his favorite, maybe the best fuck. But, if you had the power to silence him, maybe you had more influence and control than you realized initially. Finally, after a long pause, he speaks up.

“(Y/N), you know how it works. You know I can’t let these people go, what would that say about me? What happened to my badass bitch?” He looks at you, wanting to appear strong in front of his men, but only you can see the uncertainty in his eyes. You walk up to him, only inches apart now.

“Negan. Please. Anyone but them, just, anyone but them” your voice soft but firm. You look up into his eyes, hoping he can see how serious you are. He closes his eyes and swallows. He didn’t reject it immediately, so, that’s a good sign. He looks at his feet. “If you hurt them. I’m leaving. You can kill me, I don’t care, but I cannot be anywhere near the man who killed my friends. The man who killed my family” You make eye contact with Daryl when speaking the last word. His eyes haven’t left you since you began to speak. He still means everything to you, despite how much you tried to deny it. “You do this. You lose me. That’s how it’s gonna be” You’ve never seen Negan look more conflicted in your few years with him than at this moment. You’re hoping that throughout the time you spent together that you got into his head. At least enough to save everyone. Negan regains his composure and turns to his men.

“Hey. Get the hell outta here and give us a minute, will ya?” he orders and nobody has to be asked twice. While everyone gathers behind the trucks, Negan takes your hand and walks you over to the treeline. A part of you is worried, is he going to punish you like you’ve seen him do to so many others? Any sense of fear is immediately gone when he puts his forehead to yours, caressing your cheek. His eyes are shut, and he appears, almost, vulnerable?

“Negan, I…” you start but are cut off by his piercing gaze.

“It’s okay. I… Damn, girl. I really care about you. And ain’t you go around telling nobody I said that. But. If it would make you happy, you can. You can go with them. Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t gonna be leaving them alone. But. I won’t kill them either” Negan turns away and you’re completely blown away. You were expecting a fight. This man is evil. But. You’re attached. What that says about you, you don’t know. You step forward and hug him from behind, interlocking your fingers and resting your head upon his shoulder.

“Thank you” you whisper, barely audible. “You saved me. And I’ll never forget you” he turns around and falls into your arms, his head burrowed in the crook of your neck.

~~~

The last truck disappears from view and you turn around. You’re alone now. And it’s so much harder than it was before. Before you could hide behind the guns and the men and you could hide behind Negan. But now? Now you’re alone, and you’re looking at your past head-on. You’re terrified. Will they take you back? Or turn their back on you like they did so long ago. You glance from everyone back to the ground.

“Um… well… hi guys?” you stammer out “Long time no see?” you flinch. Long time no see? Really? That’s your opening line? Everyone is frozen. That’s it. You assume it’s over. You close your eyes and clench your fists. You begin to turn around when you hear ruffling to your left. Your eyes shoot to the source. It’s Daryl. He’s grabbing his side in pain, but he’s standing nonetheless. He limps towards you with a sense of urgency and he reaches you with his arms wide open. You embrace, and it’s like everything in the world that was ever wrong is now right. He’s got all of his weight on you, entrusting you with all of his being. Everything isn’t going to be immediately okay again, you know this. But right now? Everything is perfect.

“I fucking missed you, baby girl” he spits out, gruffly. All you can do is hug tighter, amazed that you went so long without the most important thing in your life.

“We all missed you,” Rick says, from the side. You look over and see everyone either nod or hum in agreement. Tears begin to fog your vision. Finally. Finally, you aren’t settling. Finally, you’re happy. Finally, you’re home.

***

This was the first fic I ever wrote back in 2017. God. Wild. Time is absolutely fake. Anyway!

My inbox is open and I’ll write for any fandom I’m in! <3

[queenssunshine]

Making a Living off of Death (1/4)

I literally cannot believe I’ve posted my first fic to AO3! This is my first fic in almost seven years, so I’m really excited to become a contributing member of fandom again. 

Anyway, here’s my first Spider-boy fic, and in the spirit of Whumptober, it is of course whump.

Read On AO3 Here

When people ask him what he does, he generally tells them he’s a freelancer. On occasion they will enquire further, “A freelance what?”, to which he will respond, “Whatever I can.” That’s basically true—while he deals mostly in assassinations, he also does assaults and robberies on occasion. Sometimes he needs to put the fear of God into people. Sometimes he just needs to play God.

The hit on Tony Stark comes to him in a heavily encrypted email that takes his computer two days to work through. Sometimes clients are paranoid like that, making the orders so difficult to access that most people in the business walk away before they even know what they’re for. He supposes this isn’t a bad idea. Plausible deniability and all that. But it’s annoying for him to have to wait around for his program to work out the endless lines of tangled code. This also probably means payment will come in a similar form, which is even more annoying.

Anyway, the hit on Tony Stark gets sent to him and three other colleagues and he’s the first one to decode it (and probably the only one to try) so first come, first kill. The built-in kill code activates and his instructions unwrite themselves from the screen, his laptop defaulting to his desktop photo of the silhouette of a dog on a sunset. Alright, time to strategize.

First, he has to get to New York. Then he has to figure out how to get Stark’s schedule. Then he has to get close to him. Then he has to kill him.

Hacking into Stark’s security team is above his skill set but gaining access to his employee files ends up being pretty easy. Cross-check some names, Google some addresses, hack a local AT&T store, and boom, he has access to the personal phones of who he has decided is two key players in his plan: the head of security and an intern.

He decides these two are key because he sees them too much. Photos from expos, parties, conferences, press events—the two are a constant presence at the side of Tony Stark. The security head quite frankly looks like an oaf, and the intern doesn’t appear to be older than college age, so he decides that they can’t do too much thwarting to his plan. The more he gets to know them through the screen, the more he feels that way.

The emails that the two have sent back and forth are heavily encrypted, and there are heaps of text messages that are as well. He can’t believe it, but his main source of information is coming from the animojis that the two send each other on occasion. The intern favors the alien. The security head favors the brown bear. (The intern also thinks the security head should use the poop one more, but that’s beside the point.)

Through the animojis, GPS tracking, and some old-fashioned stalking-- er, in-person reconnaissance, he discovers that the intern is a student at a magnet school in Forest Hills and that the security head is, for whatever reason, his personal after-school driver. The relationship between the two of them seems pretty relaxed. They clearly have a long history of uneventful school pick-ups, because he just sits in the visitor parking lot and stares at them without detection as the security head pulls up in the black Audi, the intern hops in, and they wait in the long queue to get off the campus. He trails the car, but the location of drop-off changes on the daily—sometimes a restaurant, sometimes a bodega, twice it was just an alleyway. Once they went to Stark Tower, or at least he assumes that’s where they were heading, but by the time they were two blocks away he decided to drop off to avoid getting clocked on any of Stark’s cameras. Even though Stark probably had access to every CCTV in town. Sometimes you just have to play it safe.

After about two weeks of monitoring, he gets his golden ticket. His phone pings a few times in a row, and he opens it to witness an exchange between Alien and Brown Bear:

[Alien] Are we still on for after school? [Brown Bear] Yeah, he had to move some stuff around so we might be late, but we’ll still be there. [Alien] Cool! It’s probably better, I don’t want—[the alien hesitates, rotates his head, lowers voice] Mr. Stark to have to deal with people freaking out about him being here. [Brown Bear] Don’t worry about it, kid. [Brown Bear] I think he’s kind of excited to see your school and your friends. [Alien] Okay, well I’ll see you guys later then. [Alien] OH! Can we please go to Julio’s again? Please? I’m craving breadsticks. [Brown Bear] Boss says okay.

So the decision had to be made: to carry out the assassination on a high school campus, or at an Italian restaurant in Brooklyn. He sighs as he Googles “Midtown academic calendar forest hills,” and sighs again when he discovers that tonight is the Annual Science Fair. What will Tony Stark do in the presence of one thousand geeks and their parents: double down on security or keep it modest? He rapidly Googles some more, trying to find instances of Tony Stark, billionaire and savior of the universe, attending a high school science fair. Bingo. Seven years ago he had attended the science fair of the Bronx High School of Science, and according to r/TonyStark and r/IronMan, he had only had Brown Bear and his gauntlets at his disposal. No supplementary guards? Not wise, Stark. Still, one instance was not enough to base his operation on.

Further inquiries reveal that Stark, in his years since becoming the savior of the universe, has only grown laxer. His prosthetic arm doubles as a housing unit for the Iron Man suit, sure, but it seems to be de-weaponized most of the time. He’s spotted without security regularly—outings with clients, with the Avengers team, with the kid, all solo. Rarely a body guard appears, but it’s only when he’s with his daughter or wife. Maybe it’s because Stark thinks he’s too big to fuck with. Maybe Stark is, and maybe this is a big mess in the making. Oh well. He decides the assassination is going to go down at the school, but he needs one more thing to make it go off well. So he calls a colleague, has them transfer the encrypted message, decodes it again (but faster, thank you machine learning), backward engineers it, and makes a phone call. And a request.

Two hours later, a cloaking suit arrives at a P.O. box, to which he has the key.

Sometimes his clients gift him cool things to execute a mission, but a cloaking suit is hands-down the coolest thing he’s gotten. He didn’t know what he expected when he takes it out of the courier box, but it looks almost civilian—a thick grey windbreaker with lines of reflective material running down the sleeves, and a pair of pants to match. It’s basically a tracksuit. He’s relieved. New Yorkers have likely seen weirder things than a man dressed in full tactical attire on the subway, but it’s still nice to have a low profile.

He messes around with the settings and soon enough he’s standing before the hotel bathroom mirror almost completely invisible, only a slight warp betraying where he is. Nothing anyone would see unless they were looking for it. Without the hood on, he looks like Harry Potter on his first Christmas at Hogwarts. He is—he dare say—giddy.

He deactivates the cloaking, grabs his guitar case (read: sniper rifle) and wallet and leaves the hotel.

Before getting to the school, he has a slice of pizza, a coke, and a bag of gummy bears. This is not good fuel for the potential get-away sprint, but he can’t help himself. He’s so happy, he can just feel the brewing of a good mission on its way.

He arrives at the school after classes have let out and before the end of the science fair, meaning that the parking lot is a ghost town. His cloaking suit already activated, he climbs up on his predetermined hiding spot (a portable building next to the bus parking lot which would allow him ample cover and a quick escape were things to get hairy), sets up his Barrett M82 (already sheathed in its matching grey cloaking suit), and hunkers down. He lets his mind wander as half an hour passes, thoughts looping around his ex-wife (that bitch), his breakfast tomorrow (maybe that 2.8-star diner down the street), and his dog (who was currently boarding at a doggy daycare next to his house in Kentucky and got a time-out today). Finally, families start spilling out of the front doors of the school, and from his view atop the portable, he can clearly see the faces of all exiting.

Fifteen minutes pass of parental pride and filial embarrassment before Stark, the security head, and the intern come walking out. By the time they exit, most of the fair has cleared out and only a few cars remain in the lot—probably teachers and staff. The intern is clutching a blue ribbon and a small trophy while the security head struggles to maintain hold of some kind of robotic device. Stark has his hands jammed in his pockets, strolling casually, lips quirked in a contented smile as the intern rambles about something. He can barely hear it—something about how the intern knew his project was good but didn’t think it would win an award or anything. For a moment, he pauses, feeling a little remorse. He had always wanted kids. The intern seemed pretty endearing. Oh well. Moment over.

He lines up the sight on Stark. It’s a clean shot, a beautiful shot, a stars-have-aligned-and-I’m-about-to-get-away-with-this shot, and he feels the rush of a perfectly executed assassination flow through his veins. This moment is why he mainly deals in assassinations. This high of having so much power yet not even being seen, it hits different. He drops the safety and just as his finger twitches back to the trigger the most bizarre thing happens.

The intern looks at him.

Of course, the kid can’t look at him, he has the cloaking suit on, but the kid’s suspicious eyes pass over the top of the portable and he feels violated.

Also, he squeezes the trigger thrice.

And then a more bizarre thing happens: the kid drops.

Well, shit.

[missblissy]

Title: Homeless at Home Fandom: Red Dead Redemption Genre: fanfiction, chapters, angst, reader insert, fluff, slow burn, friends-to-lovers, pre-game Characters: Young!Arthur Morgan, Dutch Van Der Linde, Hosea Mathews, Arthur Morgan/ Reader, Female reader, Arthur x Reader, Arthur Morgan x Reader, Arthur/ You, Young!reader Chapter: One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six || Seven || Eight || Nine || Ten || Eleven

Follow me on AO3!! Read it there too!

((Next chapter is up! More will be coming soon!! Let me know what you guys think will happen next!! Things are about to get hella crazy!!))

The summer was perfect. It was warm, it was breezy, it rained little to none. Since Hosea’s return, the gang and life seemed to revert back to normal. Dutch and Hosea were back to running out of the camp every morning, with Arthur joining on occasion, and coming back with whatever money they could make by the evening.

Bessie, Susan, and Annabelle worked tirelessly to keep the camp organized, stocked, and cooked every meal. Everyone had chores. Everyone had to do their part for the gang, even Uncle who cared for the horses, and you finally started to contribute on a regular basis too.

At the beginning of summer, when Hosea came back, you begged him to take you hunting every morning. He seemed happy enough to take you out and he enjoyed the company. You started hunting close to camp, you stayed in the area and took from the closest resources. You had only known how to use a handgun at first, and you never got anything larger than a small and underfed turkey that was about the size of a chicken. Squirrels and rabbits were the only other things on your list animals you’ve killed.

You could remember that first summer you spent with Arthur and Hosea in the open desert. You remembered how awful it felt to take the life of another living thing. Now with another summer coming at hand, you were barely fazed by the bang of your pistol or the little cries of death that escaped an animal when you killed it.

Somewhere in the middle of summer, after several weeks of hunting with Hosea, you started hunting alone and straying further and further into unknown country sides and forests. Hosea had given you a long yet still small cattlemen repeater. It was perfect for your short size. You had upgraded from killing small animals to medium ones than to large ones very quickly. You spent a lot of time in the forest, not just hunting, but also collecting herbs and wild fruits and vegetables that grew in the area. And so the gang had started to depend on your for food.

There was one day, just a few weeks ago, where you slept in and forgot to go hunting. Dinner that night was sad and pathetic and everyone ate canned food around a fire. Miserable and tried, with a side of attitude at the lack of a good meal, not many people stayed up that night and complained quite a bit. You knew then that you were no longer a child.

Your 14th birthday was only a handful of months away and as you grew older you started to notice not only your role in camp changing but your also your body and feelings.

You were becoming more moody and quick to anger. You were stronger than ever before. You took down a doe for the first time this summer. Lifting up that doe was like lifting up a bag of paper, you tossed it onto Callus’s rear end and tied it down with ease. You had grown taller too, it was easier to climb onto Callus and Arthur didn’t seem like a giant anymore.

Speaking of Arthur, he took great pleasure in pushing your buttons and teasing you relentlessly, though he always made up for it when he went overboard.

Today, however, you wanted to yell at him for stealing your boots. You knew it was him, you left them in a pile under your bed, and this wasn’t the first time Arthur has hidden your things.

You stomped through the camp, barefoot and sour-faced. You found Dutch and Hosea sitting at a table looking over a large map and many papers. You hurried over there and stole their attention, “Where is Arthur!?” You asked with harshly knitted brows.

They shared a look then laughed, “Stole your boots again, huh?” Dutch asked with a sympathetic look. He glanced down at your feet then held back a petty laugh.

“Why does he do this?” You wined while throwing your arms dramatically, “Why do you let him!?” You then pointed a finger at the two older men.

“You’ve got to learn to fight your own battles, girl,” Hosea gave you a pat on the head, “I think I saw him running around with that old dusty guitar down the beach,” Guitar?

When did anyone ever have one of those and where did they hide it?

You left the old men to their battle plans and headed for the stone and pebbled covered beach. Your heart sank in your chest and you grew cold. How on earth could you make it across the beach without your boots? You took one step and felt the pain of a pebble dig into your foot. There was no other option though. You had to do this.

Each step opened a new gate of hell on to you. You thought over time you’d just get used to the pain but it never got better. You gazed down the beach and looked around for Arthur. As far as you could see he wasn’t anywhere around. But then you heard something. Soft and out of tune strings of music drifted to your ears. It didn’t take long to find him then. Arthur was hidden further down the beach where it turned into massive rocks stuck and cluttered together. He was well hidden behind boulders bigger than a house, on a little hidden sandy beach.

You wanted to tackle him and demand your shoes but your curiosity was greater than your rage. He didn’t seem to notice you were there either. You took great pleasure in sneaking around the boulder he leaned on and jump out from behind it, letting out a loud and terrible scream.

Arthur jerk away and the guitar in his hands lunched from his lap and several feet away, he screamed just as loud until he realized it was just you.

“God! Dammit!” He glared at you while you started laughing in fits of giggles that bubbled from your chest.

“That’s what you get for stealing my boots!” You retorted quickly, “I got you good,” The soft sandy beach melted away the pain from the stones and you didn’t seem so mad about your boots anymore. Though you still wanted to find them, “Where’d you throw them this time?” You asked as you picked up the guitar.

“Uncle’s got ‘em,” He replied casually as you handed him the instrument.

You sat down on a rock in the middle of the little beach and let out a groan, “Uh! Why?! Why did you do this to me!?” You knew you’d have to trade something with the old man to get them back, and he’d probably ask for whiskey.

Arthur got comfortable against the rock and just shrugged as he tried to play the guitar again. He wasn’t that good, “Don’t put frog eggs in my boots,” Huh… you did do that, didn’t you?

The memory came through suddenly and you remembered how you filled Arthur’s boots with swamp water and frog eggs for stealing the last of your candy stash. You shook the memory away and declared that you were even.

“What’s with that?” You pointed to the guitar Arthur was having trouble with.

He shrugged again, “It’s Susan, can you believe?” He dodged your question like a pro.

So you asked more clearly, “Why are you playing it?”

Arthur didn’t say anything for a few minutes and he sat there almost frozen. You watched him look at the ground, his eyes dashing around before he glanced at you then shrugged yet again. What was with all the god damn shrugged?

“Girls like guys who can play guitars,” He finally said.

Excuse you? You looked at him, squinting your eyes then tipped your head slightly, “What? No they don’t.”

He shook his head and gave you this bug eyed look, “Yeah they do,” He sounded so serious, like he was a professional on this topic, “They love this shit.”

“Pft!” You let out a winded laugh, “And you think this is gonna make them like you?” You rolled your eyes then crossed your arms, “You really don’t know a thing, do you?

Can you even play it?”

You put Arthur on the spot again and he didn’t say anything for a while. He mumbled something under his breath that you didn’t hear, “Huh?” You called out like an old deaf woman, “I can’t hear you!”

“No!” Arthur barked back, “Well!” He paused and looked around while fumbling on his words, “Not really! I can a little bit… I just…I don’t know any songs…” Something about all that made you laugh harder than you ever have before. Your brought your legs up and crossed them under you while your hands held tight onto your feet, “The virgin boy is trying to seduce women with an instrument he doesn’t know how to use!” You laughed and laughed, rocking back and forth on top of your rock. Just because you were 13 didn’t mean you knew how the bees and birds worked. That was another change you noticed in yourself, you were becoming more vulgar.

Arthur’s face burned bright red and he grabbed a stray little rock in his hand and got ready to whip it at you but he knew better than that. He just scared you instead and threw it inches past your head and into the lake at your back, “Shut up!” He was really mad… or embarrassed… or both.

If you were older you might feel some kind of pity or maybe sympathy for him. But you stopped laughing at him and decided to be nice, “I know a song you can play,” Arthur looked at you with a raised brow, “My mother use to sing this to my father all the time, maybe you can find a girl that likes listening to it?” You said and he gave you another odd look, “Can you play this tune?” You started to hum and sing out a few notes while setting a tempo by lightly tapping your hand onto your knee.

He watched you then fumbled around to try and play by ear. It was a simple tune so it was easy but he still wasn’t the best and it took him several times to get it right. You felt a warm and lifting feeling grow in your chest at the sound of just hearing that tune again, and you hadn’t even got to the song. In your head you could hear the sound of your mother’s voice singing along to the music as your father would play on the few instruments you had in your home. It was something your parents loved doing together, they loved singing for some reason. Your home was always full of songs and music and dancing.

You were glad that you could look back on this memory and feel pride and love and nostalgia instead of pain and depression. When Arthur had played the tune enough times you took in a deep long breath then tried your best to sound good.

“Oh, darling, if I take your hand Will we travel far out West, far across the land! Cuz anywhere is home with you, I'll keep on going til the air is new,”

A smile had climbed onto your face as you remembered the words to the song. It was uplifting and quick, joyful and fast paced. You wanted to dance, but you stayed put on your rock and choose to sway back and forth little by little.

“It's the land and trees I desire! Smoke leaks from your mouth, cuz your heart is on fire! But your travelling song is not like mine, Our paths are different but we'll meet up in time,”

As you sang to the song it was easy for Arthur to keep up, this guitar thing wasn’t as hard as he first thought it was. And the song you choose was sweet and heart felt, it was perfect. There had been the girl in the post office that had his attention. Her name was Heather and she was sweet enough to give you a sugar rush. You had an awful first meeting with her, but the more and more Arthur kept hanging around this poor girl the nicer you grew and put up with her.

“Cuz I'm a weary traveller, you're an aimless wanderer, I'm cautious and I'm wary, you're reckless and you're fairly, Impulsive and unruly, we're bound to meet up surely in due time. Our stories are forever entwined. My babe's got green-brown eyes. But who can keep track, cuz they're changing all the time My eyes are as blue as the sea We'll keep on running 'til we're as far as can be,"

You had this memory in your mind as you felt the words leave your lungs, you could see your mother and father sitting together on the front porch of your home as you sat between them. The three of you sang this song and you could see the love between your parents as if the song was theirs and held a different meaning you just couldn’t quiet understand. Arthur started to mumble along to the words as you sang the chores again.

“As you head down south I'll go east, We'll follow our hearts cuz we're both at peace! But I know it's not our fate, To suffer through a good old fashioned heartbreak! Cuz I'm a weary traveller! You're an aimless wanderer! I'm cautious and I'm wary! You're reckless and you're fairly! Impulsive and unruly! We're bound to meet up surely in due time! Our stories are forever entwined!”

Smiles spread across yours and Arthur’s faces as the song came to an end and he stopped playing the songs melody. A moment passed there where you both stayed there and shared small chuckles. The warmth of the summer blew past you in the wind and you felt freedom trail off you and into the breeze. Arthur set the guitar aside and leaned as far back as he could against the rock, “You said your ma use to sing that song?” He asked. You slid off the rock and paced your way over to the abandoned guitar. You sat in a little grassy patch about a foot away from Arthur and nodded your head. You ran a finger over each string, “Yeah, she loved singing,”

“So did mine,” Arthur was staring up at the white cotton clouds as the drifted on by, “I don’t remember what she use to sing, or what her voice sounded like,” He paused then narrowed his gaze slightly, “But I know she had a beautiful voice, she had the most beautiful voice in the world. I don’t have to remember what she sounded like to know that. I could remember thinking it all the time as a kid how her voice was my favorite thing to hear.”

At that moment you could see a new and fresh pain scatter across Arthur’s face. The pain he felt was raw and hurt in a way it never hurt before. Something in him broke, and he could feel the child inside him cry out. He sat there, upset and stuck in his own head with a sour look on his face until your voice broke him from his own chains.

You weren’t sure what to say or do, “We should head back to camp,” You wanted to get him out of here though and get his mind on something else, “Dutch will probably have something for you to do by now,”

He didn’t say anything. Arthur silently stood up and waited for you to join him at the edge of the little hidden beach. You followed him then stopped in your tracks. The pebble battlefield stared back at you and fear wriggled into your spine, “Arthur-” You reached out and grabbed him by his wrist before he could walk away. He stopped and stared down at out without a word, “Carry me,” You didn’t look at him, you kept your eyes on the beach.

When your grip on his wrist grew tight enough for him to get annoyed, he yanked himself free from your hand, “Fine,” He sounded much more depressed than he looked.

Arthur got down onto one knee and nodded his head, “Get on.”

A silly smile slapped your face and you threw the guitar around your shoulder as the strap held it in place behind you. You threw yourself onto Arthur’s back and wrapped your arms around his neck as he locked your legs in his arms. He got up with ease as if your added weight meant nothing. Either you were lighter than you thought or he was getting stronger than he looked. Regardless, you felt a giggled swell in your belly and you laughed out as Arthur gave you a piggyback ride to camp. Perhaps your laughter was contagious, or maybe hearing your laugh made him feel better, but Arthur’s own low chuckle mingled with your chirping giggles.

“You should give me piggyback rides more often!” You held tight onto him and enjoyed watching the pebbles passing under you.

“No way!” He shook his head once then did his best to look back at you, “I’m only doing this cause you gave me that song to use. I’m gonna need you to write that down by th-” Arthur’s words got cut off as you started to strangle him with your arms, tightening around his neck.

You had a snotty little look of pure evil as you loosened your grip after he stopped walking, “At least say please,” You said as he caught his breath and dry heaved a few times. And how nice of him, he didn’t even drop you, there was still a lot of beach to cover.

Instead, he hiked you up higher on his back and carried on. He even muttered out a, “Please… can you write that down?” Then cleared his throat to cover the fact that his voice sounded like shattered glass.

“Sure, after you get my boots for me,” Confronting Uncle was the last thing you wanted to do. He would annoy the ever life out of you.

“Nah,” Arthur drawled, “You can take care of that yourself,”

“What?!” You were ready to ring his neck again, “At least…. Help me!” Arthur shook his head slightly as he cleared the last stretch of the pebble beach. You expected him to drop you like a sack of potatoes but he carried on and towards camp.

“Nope,” Arthur’s voice had some hidden tone to it. You could hear the snicker building up in his chest.

Suddenly you didn’t want to be piggybacking on Arthur anymore. You started to squirm and wrestle free but Arthur flexed his arms and trapped your legs. He started to run and you were forced to hold on. He rushed into camp, nearly knocking down Susan who barked out a rude comment about being careful.

“Arthur!” You yelled in his ear, “Let me down!” He ignored your command. As he raced past the heart of camp Annabelle and Dutch stared with crooked and confused smiles. It’s safe to say, you were a little scared. What the hell was he doing? With a sudden stop, Arthur halted, slamming his heels into the ground. He spun so fast as he let go of your legs that you were freed from his grip, only to collide with an unnatural amount of hay.

That bastard!! You fell into the hay abyss to never be seen again. Your world was sharp and painful straw used to feed and warm the horses. You clawed yourself free and swatted away the loose ends of hay. When you jumped out of the pile you were ready to claw Arthur to death. It would take hours to get all the hay out of your hair!! But when your bare feet landed onto the hard dirt, he wasn’t there. He was gone yet again.

You wanted to run around and find him and get payback, but Hosea had spotted you and had made his way over with Bessie close behind. You were surprised to see your boots in her hands.

As she handed you your torn raggedy boots, she softly said, “The trouble I had to go through to get these,” You had an idea. Uncle must have talked her ear off by the looks of it. You thanked her and quickly put your boots on.

Hosea spoke up and flashed a crooked smile down to you, “We have to run into town,” He started, “Why don’t you come with us?”

Something smelled fishy, and it wasn’t the lakeshore only feet away. You lifted a brow, “Why?”

His features quickly went from friendly to serious, “Dutch has a task for you, it’s not grocery shopping,” There it was. Hosea went on saying, “Bessie and I are going to be scouting the bank, just watching it. Dutch wants to hit the bank and head west into Oregon with the money.” Oh, oh wow. Okay. You listened intently as Hosea spoke again,

“While we’re scouting the bank,” Hosea paused and handed you several sealed envelopes, “Dutch wants you to plant these in the post office, but you have to sneak in and do so without being seen. These are fraud letters to the bank tellers, if you’re seen with the letters it will blow our cover. It all has to be anonymous.”

The sudden weight of what was happening pulled your heart into a wild flurry of directions as it tried to break from your rib cage. This was the first time you had been tasked with something related to anything illegal, or gang-related. No matter how small this was, it was still a pretty big deal for you.

“Okay,” You said quieter than a mouse. You held about five envelopes in your hands. They felt heavier than the biggest boulder on the beach. Mixed feelings swirled inside you as you started to follow Hosea and Bessie to one of the camp wagons. Nothing else was said as they sat upfront while you took to the back of the wagon were your legs could dangle off and you could watch the roads travel under you.

A bank robbery? Nothing this intense has ever taken place in the short year you’ve been with this gang. You knew about every heist that went down, and 90% of them were stagecoach robberies, the other 10% was conning people out of their money like… like showmen or something. But… a bank robbery? Really? You’ve heard all about the stories of other banks that Dutch, Susan, and Hosea have robbed together in the past, but you never thought it’d happen now.

Something about this felt wrong. You were going to aid in the theft of innocent people’s money. You didn’t dare voice these feelings, nor did you try to ignore them either. As the ride to town started to blend together, you kept getting lost in your thoughts.

Had Arthur ever robbed a bank? No, there was no way. You heard the story about his first robbery, and how that ended in the back of a train’s bank car in the middle of New York. He’s robbed a few stage coaches…. Three or four sounded right. There was no way in hell that Annabelle or Bessie would be involved, right? Annabelle didn’t even know how to shoot a gun. She was a proper lady, madly in love with a man who seemed more of a revolutionary mastermind than a wanted criminal. Bessie was tough, she grew up on a horse ranch, she may have had money but she was no lady. She may dress like a lady when she needs too, but she was more wild and untamed than she looked.

Susan was surely in on this. She was the strongest and most impressing of all the woman in camp. She had been a mistress, she used to run a saloon in her younger days, caring for the… ladies of the night, and teaching them how to seduce men. She grew up rough and lived rough. She feared nothing.

In a way, you looked up to Susan. Though she was quiet nasty to the other woman, she was fairly nice to you when she wanted to be. She treated you the same she treated Arthur, like children.

Before you knew it, you had gotten to town. Bessie and Hosea left the wagon abandon behind some blacksmith’s barn and nearly abandon you too.

“You know where the post office is, right?” Is all Hosea asked you, and once you nodded he was gone and so was Bessie.

Left alone, you took the muddy back roads through town. You did your best to avoid the doctor’s office as you raced between buildings. The post office was another road over, tucked behind the gunsmith and nestled next to a small shabby saloon. You hid behind the gunsmith, looking at the back door to the post office. If you were lucky, Heather was working there today. Maybe you could… trick her or something?

You were not very good at this. After a few minutes of thinking, you came up with a plan. You made your way to the back door, nervous and unsure of yourself. Without a single thought, you knocked your fist onto the door three times then bolted away to hide behind some barrels between the post office and the saloon.

A few seconds passed then someone opened the door. It was Heather! Okay… You got this. You did your best to pick up the biggest rock and you threw it at the trashcan further down the back road. Heather let out a little yelp, then called out, “Hello!?” She took the bait and like the airhead she was, she left the post office door open. She slowly headed the other direction, leaving you time to sneak up to the back door and head inside. You closed the door behind you quietly and locked it to buy you some time.

It was dark inside, and you could feel a cold draft sweep past your feet. The back of the post office smelled similar to a bookstore. You weren’t sure what to do from here. You had to plant these letters. But where? You started to panic, rushing to look around. There were walls filled with little letter cubbies. Some had names under them, some had numbers. There were carts filled with bags, and the bags were filled with letters. You fumbled in the dark, trying to read the little metal plates. Nothing seemed to be helping you though.

Heather would be back any second now. God this was so hard! And scary! What if you got caught? What would you even say?

You shook your head and ran over to another wall filled with letter cubbies. You ran fingers over each plate as your eyes dashed around looking for anything labeled “bank” or maybe “letters heading out.”

Suddenly you found two larger cubbies on the lowest part of the wall. One was labeled “Arrivals,” while the one next to it said “Departures,” This had to be it! When you took a better look, you noticed that was only one letter sitting in the arrivals cubby. It was face down, and it had a wax seal keeping the letter closed.

Innocently, you set your fraud letters down in the departures cubby and forgot about them within a second. You squinted in the low light and reached a hand forward towards the mystery letter. As your fingers grazed the waxy seal, you felt a wave of curiosity swallow you. Something about this letter called out to you.

The wax seal was a deep green and almost looked black in the darkness of the post office. You hesitantly touch the white paper of the envelope. Chills ran down your arm and into your spine the second you made contact with it. Your fingers curled around the corners and you lifted it up. You brought it closer to your face and glared down, trying to make out what the wax seal said. You noticed a large ‘M.D.’ within a crest, with roses clustered around it, and a doe of some kind trapped within the roses. A static sound filled your ears as you realized you had seen this crest somewhere before. The memory tugged out of the murky waters of your mind. A thud boomed from your heart, growing louder and louder in your ears.

Slowly, almost as if you didn’t want to, you turned the letter over in your hand. There was no way to describe the feeling that rushed through you when you read the name and address on that back of that letter. A breath shaky and frail left your lungs, you almost forgot to take another breath in. You felt your fingers grip the corners of the envelope so tightly that you started to tear and wrinkle the yellowing paper.

To: Miss (Y/n) (L/n) Sugartown, Paradise Valley. Nevada.

From: Harrison McDuffy Green Point, Long Island New York.

It was so hard to breath be for some reason. Time stopped. This couldn’t be real. It was a letter… addressed to you… from no one else but your Grandfather. How long had this letter been sitting here? Waiting for you to find it? How…? It must have been the doctor in town! He had to have told your Grandfather you were alive and all the way out here. So many fears and questions ran through your head. The loudest question of all bled into your thoughts… What did he want?

You wanted so badly to open the letter, but a sudden and loud bang came from the backdoor. Heather was still locked outside! You nearly screamed but slapped a hand over your mouth instead. You shoved your letter into a pocket and looked around. You had to get out of here, and quickly.

You ran for the front door, no one was inside, and it was the only way out. You skid through the post office and busted out the front door into the busy and open street.

Several people looked your way, and you froze only for half a second before bolting down the street. You dashed between people and nearly got ran over by a horse, but you made it back to the wagon. Hosea and Bessie were nowhere to be seen. You crawled up into the back of the wagon and made yourself small. Suddenly you felt like crying and laughing at the same time. Everything felt so surreal. Your Grandfather…. Your Grandfather!!  He knew you were alive! He was trying to contact you!

The letter burned your side, crumbled up and hidden away in your pocket. It scared you, honestly. There was no way you could have any idea what that letter said, or what your Grandfather wanted. Was he sending an army to save you? Was he aware that you were in the care of THE Dutch Van Der Linde? Did he think Dutch killed your parents and kidnapped you?

Blinking hard, you gave a quick shake of your head and told yourself you’d open the letter once you got home. Until then, you guessed what it could hold inside it. You guessed what threats or pleads could be hidden behind that wax seal. The letter was already heavy, so you guessed how many papers it took to write angry letters.

It didn’t matter. Nothing matter. Well… What mattered most was the Dutch knew your family had reached out and contacted you. A sharp and intruding fear crippled you instantly. How could you tell Dutch this? How on earth could you expose yourself like that? In what way was it even possible for you to approach Dutch and even bring up the idea that your family was most likely threatening him to bring you home safely? No matter what this letter said, you’d be ten times more of a burden than you already were.

No matter what the letter said, it was almost certain that it’d cause more trouble than you were worth.

[stories-by-shanna-p]

Plot Bunny Adoption Challenge 2019

Fandoms Involved In This Challenge: Supernatural, Hobbit, Harry Potter, Star Wars (A total of 62 Plot Bunnies!!!) 

Hey there everyone! As promised, I am hosting a new challenge in 2019 for plot bunny adoptions! I know a lot of people make new years resolutions to ‘write more’, I know I did, so I thought I would contribute!!! :D :D :D

So, if you are interested and want a challenge, read the rules and plot bunnies below! Maybe one of them will be going home with you! Just like previous adoptions, only one person gets a plot bunny so it will be completely unique to you, no one else gets it, so enjoy! 

Also, to note, some of the ideas are multi-chapter ideas, as I saw some people saying they wanted some new multi-chap ideas...so have fun. Feel free to make them one-shots or multi-chapter! ^^ There are one shot ideas too, I tried to make a variety for different tastes! Also, if one of the plot bunnies says ‘reader’ or ‘OC’, feel free to change it or make them any gender! It is your plot bunny! XD 

Rules of the Challenge:

If you would like to enter the challenge, you need to send me an ASK with the plot bunny you would like to adopt! 

Only one person per plot bunny! If it has been adopted before you ask for it, you will have to choose a new one. It will be first come first served! 

The story, or first chapter of the story, will be due by February 28th so the Master Post for the Challenge can be posted March 1st! 

When posting you need to tag me (so I can add it to the Master Post) and also include the tag #Tale Teller’s Plot Bunny Challenge 2019 

Plot bunnies available for adoption are below the keep reading line!

If you finish early, you are welcome to request a new plot bunny but only after the first one has been posted! 

Let me know via ASK if you want added to the tag list for this challenge! OR!!! Reach out to the writer, I will list who is doing what below, and let them know how excited you are for the story and ask them to! Who knows, you may make a new friend in 2019!!! :D 

These plot bunnies are story ideas I that I have had, so if you want more ideas or such on a certain bunny, shoot me a message! Below is just a vague outline, I’m happy to chat more if you would like more inspiration or are curious what my brain came up with...But feel free to run with an idea and make it yours! I am looking forward to see what amazing stories these plot bunnies inspire! :D

Plot Bunnies up for Adoption:

Supernatural Fandom

·         Plot Bunny #5: High school AU where the Novaks move to a new school as Gabe takes an interest in a girl, but the guys say don’t bother, she is too stuck up and thinks she is better than everyone. But Gabe likes a challenge, and the girl seems nice, so he decides to befriend her.  His heart breaks when he finds out the secret truth hiding behind her emotionless mask. 

·         Plot Bunny #6: While making his rounds as the trickster, Gabriel gets in a chat room and meets someone. They become quick friends and continue to chat for months, until one day they ask to meet him.  

·         Plot Bunny #8: Highschool AU. You are dating the popular senior, Dick Roman, when the Shirleys move into town. Your life gets turned upside down when the shy new kid, Castiel Shirley, catches your eye. 

  Harry Potter Fandom 

·         Plot Bunny #12:  Girl is in Gryffindor, but is mischievous. Need a group of four in potions and gets put with Draco, Crabb, and Goyle.  Become slight friends, but have falling out when they find out she is muggleborn. But can friendship over come those differences? 

·         Plot Bunny #13: George, wanting to spend time with his girl over the summer, signs up for summer camp (week long) that she is doing. It is a muggle camp, so she makes him leave his wand with Molly.  George learns how hard it is to cope without magic. 

 Star Wars Fandom 

·         Plot Bunny #14: OC is resistance spy, but saves Hux’s life. Could friendship or love come from such differences? 

 Hobbit Fandom

 ·         Plot Bunny #15: After reclaiming Erebor and the restoration is mostly done, the princes decide to put their skills to work by creating a memorial in the hall of kings for their father. 

·         Plot Bunny #16: You are friends with Thorin, Dwalin, and all.  You are a bar maid in Ered Luin, they always bring liveliness to the place, and are very protective of you. 

·         Plot Bunny #19: Bilbo tries to teach Thorin how to garden, and Thorin tries to teach Bilbo blacksmithing.

·         Plot Bunny #20: Upon his return, Bilbo throws a dinner for his family to explain his absence.  He assumed Thorin, the Dwarf King, would be fine…but Thorin is in over his head…then add Lobelia to the mix. 

·         Plot Bunny #21: Modern AU: Bilbo is a school teacher (younger children) and Fili and Kili are his students.  When they get into mischief, the school calls Dis, but since she is busy at work, Bilbo gets to finally meet Uncle Thorin. 

·         Plot Bunny #23: After Thorin, Fili, and Kili’s death, during the burial, they are there to say their final goodbyes to the company.  

·         Plot Bunny #29: Thorin watching Fili and Kili while Dis and her husband have alone time. They are both such a handful as children, especially with their favorite uncle.  

·         Plot Bunny #31: Thorin is with a very young Kili and Fili in Ered Luin when he looses track of them.  They find their way to a bakery, where a human woman takes care of them, until Thorin finds them.  Could this be the start of something new?

·         Plot Bunny #32; When they were toddlers, Fili and Kili were stolen by rogue dwarves, but were found by Hobbits, and taken in by a young Belladonna Took (before she was married), so when Gandalf sends the company to the Shire for their burglar, they assume it is her, and everyone is excited to see her again…but then they find out she passed away, and the one going on the trip is her child, Bilbo. 

·         Plot Bunny #40: You are from our world, and survived the journey and BOFA.  When the time comes for the kingdom of elves, dwarves, and man to make peace, they need a mediator.  Your name comes up, as you are completely unbiased, as you have no loyalties since you are not from this world.  So you become the mediator, having to find a peace between Mirkwood, Dale, Erebor, and Dain (Iron Hills).  

·         Plot Bunny #43: You were Kili’s love before the journey.  And you were so happy to here they were alive and well, until you receive a letter from Fili telling you about Kili and Tauriel. But what happens when Kili realizes realizes how much he misses and loves you, and not Tauriel...can he win you back? 

·         Plot Bunny #47:  The reader, by some magic, after wishing she could help the company more, is sent to Erebor where she meets Smaug.  For some reason, he doesn’t kill her and then they become friends. Can this new ‘friendship’ change the outcome of something already destined? 

·         Plot Bunny #48: Story of little moments that the spymaster, Nori, sees when he is being sneak.  1: Ori setting up a prank on Dwalin, but working it so Fili and Kili get the blame 2: One where Thorin and Bilbo are trying to keep their relationship under wraps, Nori spys a private moment.  3: Kili and Tauriel where they discuss how they are secretly already married, and how their “second wedding” that is being planned is pointless.  

·         Plot Bunny #49: Instead of dying at Moria, Frerin was taken by the Orcs and kept prisoner. After BOFA, they tracked the Orcs back to their big camp and find him.  He is brought back to Erebor, where he helped settle in and meets the company, including Bilbo, and.the girl they found along the way. Can all of his friends and family help him adjust to the new life? 

·         Plot Bunny #50: Thorin goes back to the Shire to live with Bilbo.  When Frodo comes into the picture, it is almost hilarious how Thorin and Bilbo view raising him…as Bilbo is a first time parent and Thorin raised Fili and Kili.

·         Plot Bunny #51: Thorin passes the throne to Fili and goes with Bilbo to the Shire.  Hobbits are suspicious at first, so Thorin decides to do his best to acclimate. The clothes, no weapons…no shoes. It’s a nice gesture...so why does it keep going wrong? 

·         Plot Bunny #52: Being King doesn’t allow much time to spend with his love, Bilbo, so Thorin takes advantage of every moment he can.  Otherwise known as: Always getting Caught

·         Plot Bunny #53: Bilbo stays in Erebor at Thorin’s side as King’s Consort.  Thorin is proud and happy how Bilbo is coming into life under the mountain, taking everything in stride, but can’t help but laugh when Bilbo snaps one night after a meeting about how something must be done about his chair…because his feet won’t reach the ground.  

·         Plot Bunny #55: Modern AU: When something breaks, Bilbo goes into town to find someone to fix it.  In this case, it happens to be the handsome Thorin.  When he leaves, Bilbo knows he has to meet him again, so he breaks something else for an excuse.  But how many things must he break before Thorin picks up on it?   

·         Plot Bunny #56: When a soul leaves, sometimes it has unfinished business.  Thorin had unfinished business, so he wasn’t prepared that when he closed his eyes, he would open them again…or when he came back that he would be a grown Hobbit…outside of the Shire…maybe the universe is trying to tell him something? But will our hardheaded king listen...or go back to Erebor? 

·         Plot Bunny #57: Everyone lives AU. The company (dwarves) decide to get together for a reunion. They decide to go to the Shire since that was where it started.  It is like Deja vu, especially since no one bothered to tell Bilbo about it.  

·         Plot Bunny #60: Random inner dialogue of different people at memorable parts, cause don’t you always wonder what was going through their minds? 

·         Plot Bunny #62: Getting the company to sing “Hi Ho” while on the journey.

·         Plot Bunny #63:  Seeing you feeling down, the company try to cheer you up by learning songs from your ipod before it dies and putting on a performance for you.

·         Plot Bunny #64; Reader is from modern world and descends to middle earth and she has cancer, the company finds out halfway through the trip that she only has a couple months left.  She survived the battle as does everyone else, but eventually falls to the illness. Thoin has her buried in the hall of kings. But that isn’t the last they see her...she is the angel that guides them peacefully, when it is their time, to Mahal’s Halls. 

[chaotic-woso]

Is It Okay if I Call You Mine - Ch. 2 - CarolxMaria fic

Cross-posted from AO3

First chapter here

Fandom - Captain Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe

Ships - Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau

Characters - Carol Danvers, Maria Rambeau, Dr. Wendy Lawson, Monica Rambeau

Rating - T

Summary - Multi-chapter fic exploring the relationship between Carol Danvers and Maria Rambeau as they become the Rambeau-Danvers family. Spans across different moments in the Carol-Maria relationship, from before they get together (because let’s all agree, they are t o g e t h e r in this film even if Marvel won’t come out and say it), to various milestones and slices of life in their relationship after they start actually dating, living together, mutually pining for each other, etc.

Ch. 2 - Carol embraces the role of supportive best friend and lots of mutual pining occurs

Maria decides to have the baby and she finally convinces her (begs endlessly) to join Dr. Lawson’s project, knowing Lawson will be far more supportive of Maria's choice than any of the officers at Maria’s current posting. But if she’s being honest with herself, her motivations are totally selfish. She misses working alongside her best friend, misses hearing her voice over the comms while she flies, misses the way everything between them just comes naturally, like they were born in sync with one another.

They don’t talk about the baby’s father and they don’t talk about that morning in the kitchen where Carol knows they were on the precipice of something. She throws herself into the role of supportive best friend and pretends that everything is normal, everything is fine. Her priority is Maria and the baby, not her own emotional turmoil.

After two months of long drives from Maria’s place to Pegasus, multiple doctor’s appointments that she insists on accompanying Maria to, and less and less time spent at her own place, Maria moves and Carol moves with her.

“It’ll be just like in Basic!” she says excitedly when she gives Maria her long spiel on why they should become roommates again.

Maria narrows her eyes at her.

“You mean you pounding on my door every morning before the sun was up so we could go on an extra run before everyone else was up? Or do you mean you snoring so loud I could barely sleep cuz it sounded like someone was running a chainsaw in our bunk? Or --”

“I did not snore.”

“You do snore, Danvers. Let’s not pretend it’s something you’ve grown out of.”

“I’ll be in my own room, down the hall, behind a closed door. You’ll never hear a peep.”

Maria crosses her arms, extremely skeptical.

She straightens her back and gets ready to play her trump card.

“I’ll do the dishes,” she says, waits.

Maria quirks an eyebrow.

“Every night,” she adds, waits again. She puts on her best pout, tries to look as endearing as possible.

Maria makes her suffer for a few more moments and then sighs. It’s the sigh she makes when she knows she’s lost and there’s no sense in arguing any further.

“Okay, fine. You can move in with me.”

“Yes!” she exclaims and pumps her fist in victory. She throws her arms around Maria and hugs her tight. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Maria’s arms are trapped at her sides, her barely-there bump nestled between them.

“Don’t make me regret this already, Danvers,” Maria warns.She releases Maria immediately and steps away, snaps to attention.

“I won’t let you down, ma'am,” she responds and mock salutes.

Maria rolls her eyes but can’t hide the smile on her face.

“You’re a fool, Carol Danvers.”

She smiles back at Maria, can’t stop the feeling of happiness that spreads through her whole body.

“That may be true, but I’m your fool and that’s all that matters.”

Maria shakes her head and holds her hand out to Carol.

“Come on, let’s go find us a house.”

They find a small place not far from base - two bedrooms, a decent kitchen, tiny backyard, enough for now. It’s not the place Maria plans to raise her child, but it will get them through the next year or two.

Time passes and they fall into an easy routine, both at work and at home. It shouldn’t surprise her just how smoothly it comes together; they’ve always made a great team. Maria has always understood her, knows how to handle her on good days and bad days. She lets her be herself, no questions asked. And she tries her damnedest to make sure she does the same for Maria.

At night she sneaks Maria’s copy of ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting,’ reads about trimesters and prenatal care, the size of the fetus at each weekly milestone, how to handle morning sickness and prevent stretch marks. A lot of the stuff in the book freaks her out, especially the chapter on childbirth, but it also reinforces what she already knows to be true - Maria is a goddamn badass warrior woman.

She keeps the house stocked with saltines and ginger ale, goes on late-night runs for bizarre food and ice cream combinations (the baby apparently likes Rocky Road with Cheetos, something Carol tries once and never again). She rubs Maria’s feet when they get sore after a long day working on Dr. Lawson’s planes, buys her extra pillows so she can sleep more comfortably as the baby grows. She cries when they hear the baby’s heart beat for the first time, even more than Maria does. She keeps an ultrasound photo taped to the control panel of her bird and another copy tucked in the visor of her Mustang.

Maria teases her and calls her a big ol’ sap, and she can’t even argue back because it is so damn true. She is in deep.

She decides to start a college fund for the kid but doesn’t tell Maria. She hates having a secret between them, but she knows Maria would adamantly refuse any kind of monetary help, would see it as a sign of weakness. She starts it off small with a couple hundred dollars and contributes to it every month from her paycheck.

She figures in eighteen years she’ll have come up with a good enough argument as to why she did this, and Maria will be unable to refuse. What she doesn’t know, has no possible way of foreseeing, is that Maria will actually find out about it in just six years’ time when a lawyer goes through Carol’s will and lists a bank account with one Monica Rambeau as the beneficiary, to be made accessible on the day of her eighteenth birthday.

Maria will both loathe and love Carol in that moment, will hate her so strongly for leaving them, for her life being reduced to a series of objects and documents. But she will also love her, will always love her, for thinking of Monica as her own, as someone worth investing in and caring for even before she was born, before they were together, before Monica became Carol’s in every way but biologically.

But Carol has no idea that's what lies ahead. Right now everything is pretty damn near perfect she thinks, and she doesn't see how anything could ruin it.

“Have you thought about names?” Carol asks Maria one evening while they're sitting in their tiny backyard watching the sun go down and sipping iced tea.

“I got a couple in mind,” Maria answers but purposefully doesn't elaborate.

Carol tilts her sunglasses down and looks over at her.

“You gonna share or just keep 'em to yourself?”

Maria gives back her own sassy look over the rims of her aviators.

“You just want to know if 'Carol’ is on the list.”

Carol places a hand to her chest and gasps.

“I'm wounded you think I'm that vain.”

“You are that vain, Danvers. You spend ten minutes every morning checking yourself out in the bathroom mirror - don't think I don't know what you're up to in there when I'm trying to get your ass out the door.”

“Can't help it that I look so damn good I distract myself sometimes,” she smirks back, her cockiest grin in full effect.

Maria rolls her eyes (probably for at least the tenth time that day) and she definitely does not let them fall back to Carol and linger on the exposed curve of her neck that glows golden in the setting sun, and she most certainly does not notice the way Carol's arms flex as she grips the arms of her chair, projecting strength and power even when she's at rest.

Maria gulps her ice tea and turns away, misses the self-satisfied look that crosses Carol's face.

That woman is such a damn tease sometimes. It's gonna get her in real trouble one day.

“Well if you won't share your list, I'll tell you mine,” Carol pipes up.

Maria's head whips back to Carol.

“You have a list?”

“Sure I do,” Carol shrugs. “I kinda got bored the last time we were at the doctor's and I was waiting for them to finish all your tests and stuff. They had one of those baby name books lying around so I flipped through it.”

Maria's eyes narrow suspiciously.

“You mean the baby name book you gave me last month that you said you picked up at a used book shop?”

Carol has the decency to look slightly ashamed and shrinks back in her chair.

“Uhhhh….no?” she replies, very unconvincingly.

All she can do is shake her head. There's never a dull moment with this woman.

“Carol, you have to bring it back next time.”

“But you already marked it up! They'll know.”

“I didn't write in it, I just have sticky notes marking the pages with the names I like.”

Carol sighs.

“Fine, I'll bring it back. But promise you won't make me confess? The receptionist lady doesn't like me very much as it is.”

She rolls her eyes - again, make that eleven times today - and pinches the bridge of her nose. People ask her if she’ll be able to handle a child on her own; she lives with Carol Danvers - she’s got loads of experience, she’ll manage just fine.

“Maybe if you stopped rearranging her magazine display every time we go there and didn’t steal their books, she’d find you a tad more endearing.”

Carol crosses her arms and huffs.

“It’s not my fault she can’t take a joke.”

If her child ends up half as stubborn as its Auntie Carol she’s in for years of trouble.

“Just bring the damn book back, you goof. Now are you gonna tell me your names or what?”

Carol pouts a bit longer and ignores her question. She sips her iced tea and waits, knows Carol will come around in her own good time.

A few more moments of scowling into the distance later, and then Carol mellows back out, sunny disposition restored.

“Well...I think an M name would sound good,” Carol starts. “Then you two could match, ya know? M and M Rambeau.”

“You've really thought about this.”

Carol's cheeks pink in embarrassment. It makes her look cuter than she has any right to be.

“I...I guess, yeah.”

Maria smiles at her encouragingly.

“Well, whatcha got for M names?”

Carol perks up.

“You really want to hear?”

“I asked didn't I? But I still get final say when the big day comes.”

“Of course, of course,” Carol agrees. “It's your kid after all, I'm just the cool aunt.”

Maria wonders if Carol knows she's so much more than that.

Carol launches into her list and Maria listens, nods at some and grimaces at others.

“Well for boys there's Michael, Marcus, Mitchell, Matthew, Mark, Malcolm, Marshall, Martin, Marvin, Max, Maurice, Melvin, Miles, Murphy, and Murray.”

“Marvin?”

“That one was a joke,” Carol admits. “Can you imagine? Baby Marv?”

They both dissolve into laughter at the thought.

“But you're convinced it's a girl, so there's a bunch of those - Melissa, Megan, Michelle, Melanie, Mackenzie, Maya, Madeline, Madison, Maggie, Mandy, Margo, Marisa, Melinda, Melody, Mikaela, Mindy, and Morgan,” Carol rattles off, letting out a breath.

“Oh, and Monica,” she adds.

She doesn't tell Carol that her own list is full of M names, too. And she's definitely not going to give her the satisfaction and unnecessary ego boost of knowing that 'Carol’ has floated across that same list several times as an option for a middle name. She’d be downright insufferable if she knew.

“Those aren’t half bad,” she says. “I thought for sure you were just going to say ‘Maria Junior’ for a girl’s name.”

“I’m not going to say I didn’t consider it.”

Maria laughs and tilts her head to the sky. The first stars have come out and the moon has risen, its crescent shape a sliver of white against the purpling dusk.

“We should head back in,” Carol suggests.

“Probably,” she agrees, but makes no move to get up.

Carol stands slowly and stretches, tucks her sunglasses into her t-shirt and steps toward her. She extends her arm out and Maria looks down at it in mock disdain.

“I can get out of a chair on my own, you know.”

“Eh, I know. Humor me?”

She accepts Carol’s arm and pushes herself up while Carol gently pulls her. She puts a hand to her back and Carol gives her a knowing look.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she insists, waving Carol off. “Those chairs aren’t that comfortable even when I’m not five months pregnant.”

“Uh huh,” Carol replies, smart enough to know not to argue. She follows Maria into the house, locking the back door behind them.In the kitchen she stretches, works the kink out of her back, and yawns. She feels a telltale flutter in her abdomen and grabs for Carol.

Carol whirls around, startled and confused.

“What is it?” she asks, a slight panic in her voice.

Maria presses Carol’s hand to her stomach in the spot where she just felt movement. They stand there for a few seconds and nothing happens. Carol’s palm is warm and wide across the curve of her shirt. Even through the fabric she can feel the heat that emanates from her.

“What are you -”

And then she feels it again and Carol must feel it too because she stops mid-question and her eyes widen.

“Oh,” Carol breathes out. “Wow.”

Carol blinks down at their entwined hands, her whole body still, and waits for the baby to do it again. It happens once more and Carol laughs in amazement.

“Hey there, Trouble,” Carol whispers with a reverence Maria’s never heard in her voice before.

Her best friend looks up at her, keeps her hand tucked beneath Maria’s. Carol’s eyes are shiny and her face is full of awe and wonder and adoration. It overwhelms her, how much she sees reflected in Carol’s expressive brown eyes. She wonders what Carol sees reflected back in her own, if it tilts her world on its axis like it does to Maria.

There's a beat of silence and Carol looks like she's about to say something, but then the baby kicks again, harder this time. Carol pulls her hand back in surprise.

“Dang, kid. Take it easy in there.”

Carol still grins widely and her eyes still sparkle with pure happiness, but whatever else Maria saw revealed briefly in the depths of her eyes has been subdued and pushed back down where it's no longer exposed.

She wants to ask Carol what she was about to say before the baby assertively reminded them of its presence, but she knows she won't get a straight answer. She doesn’t want to risk ruining the night by calling her out on it either.

They'll have this shared moment of joy, and for now that's enough.