#maybe that’s just my personal flavor of mental illness

[goldensunset]

i cannot stand those quirky overly-friendly-to-the-point-of-crossing-boundaries teachers and professors who make you do icebreakers or fun facts about yourself at the beginning of the semester bc their questions are always the exact sort of stuff that you never wanna answer. but they just keep asking bc they think you’re just being shy and cute. ‘what are your hobbies? what kind of music do you like? what’s a topic very personal and important to you?’ MAN i am not subjecting myself to public humiliation like that for being very far removed from the norm nor am i opening up about my deep-seated personal problems. i don’t know you i don’t respect you you are not entitled to anything outside of my graded work. i’m just trying to prevent everybody in the room including you and i from becoming incredibly uncomfortable. just take the hint when i deflect your questions and pretend to be boring

[scare-ard--sleigh]

just saw someone say to someone else “you’re 31???? :o drop your skincare routine !!!” afjbgfbjkg my brother in christ 31 is not old lmao 

[systemerrorbonnie]

* me: hmmm maybe im secretly faking my mental illness * also me: crying and on the verge of an anxiety attack bc i think my friend has actually genuinely died (they did not message me for one day)

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids,

I feel like advice on loneliness comes in only three flavors:

"It's all mindset, learn to embrace being alone and you'll never feel lonely!"

"Your head is lying to you, you have friends and they love you!"

"Here's a list of places you can go to hang out with people and make new friends!"

Those are usually well-meant and I'm sure there are situations where they do help someone feel better - but they're definitely not universally applicable.

The first one is even plain wrong: connection is a basic human need. You can't just "change your mindset" and turn that off, the same way you can't turn off your need for food or air or mental stimulation. Humans are group animals. We absolutely need social interactions to stay healthy and sane. It is true that some people do not need a large number of friends and are happiest with just one or two close friends, and it is also true that some people prefer to fulfill their social needs in other ways than what's traditionally defined as friendship - but that's not something you can (or should) try to train yourself to do, that's just natural differences and preferences!

The only thing you could "train" yourself to do would be to learn to ignore your social needs and bury them deep down under layers of denial... and you don't need me to explain to you why that's a very unhealthy idea. It's sad enough that so many people have to do that to not lose their minds in loneliness, we certainly don't need to celebrate an unhealthy coping skill as a "superior mindset".

The other two at least get a bit closer to the truth: the solution for your unmet need is not to kill the need, but to fulfill it... but that's easier said than done, isn't it?

After all, "Don't worry, your friends love you!" doesn't help if you have no friends. Loneliness is not always "all in your head": Maybe you moved to a new place and don't know anyone there. Or you cut off contact with all your friends after a big fight. Or you grew up neurodivergent (or got mentally ill at a young age) and had no chance to learn how to make friends at the age most kids do, and by now you have been friendless for so long you don't even know where to start.

Same with "just go to a bar and talk to some new people" or "Take a pottery class and you'll meet some interesting people there" - that's not factually wrong, but also not helpful if the reason you feel lonely is that you struggle to make friends (or even struggle to just talk to people). Which can also be part of neurodivergence or mental illness, or just be a part of your personality (shyness), or be a result of isolating circumstances (like having spent a lot of time in a closed environment, for example a long hospital stay, and now feeling unsure how to connect with people outside of that environment). 

And those are just a few of the many, many possible explanations why someone may be lonely that require a more individualized approach - which is why we can’t solve loneliness with any one-size-fits-all solution.

That may be a somewhat disappointing-sounding conclusion in a letter on loneliness, so let me also tell you: hope and support are always within reach, even if it might take some time and patience to find them. The key is to remember that your feelings are valid and that you're not alone in your struggle.

First, recognize that admitting that you feel lonely, and wanting to take action based on that feeling, is a sign of strength, not weakness. You’re pretty insightful for recognizing your loneliness and super brave for wanting to reach out!

Secondly, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to take small steps. Small, actually manageable steps are crucial in any healing journey! If it’s not an option to just go to the bar or that pottery class, then it’s okay to start somewhere else. Maybe a therapist, a support group, or even online communities can be valuable “training sessions” for social connections. Even reaching out to one single person can make a significant difference over time. Your journey to finding companionship and connection might be different from someone else’s, but that doesn't make it any less valid (or achievable!).

Lastly, do consider embracing new activities that you may enjoy - but not just for the sake of meeting others. It’s important to nurture your own happiness and well-being when you’re feeling lonely. Those can be activities you can try out alone and even at home, for now! Anything that enriches your life is good. Long down the road, maybe it will lead to opportunities to connect with others, but even if it doesn’t: it’s important to incorporate new experiences into your life.

While there isn't a universal solution to loneliness, I truly believe there is a path forward for everyone. It's all about finding what works for you.

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[ivestas]

Could I request a könig x reader in which she’s one of the best soldiers/snipers in the world, covered in tattoos, smokes and is a ‘I joined the military out of spite and somehow all that anger turned me into this’, and könig is just smitten with her?

its time you learn to accept yourself

Summary: Through König, you learn love and self-acceptance. 

Tags: sniper!fem!reader x konig, strangers to friends to lovers, headcanon format, reader implied not to speak german, reader implied to be mentally ill, unedited

Word count: 1.7k

Note: im starting to really like this genre of ship-dynamic LMAO

When you joined KorTac, it was clear you didn’t give much of a shit about anyone there. 

You kept to yourself, spoke in monosyllables, and had much more interest in smoking the cigarettes you kept sneaking into the base than talking to any of them. 

He’d heard operators call you several things—none of them flattering to your image—however, one thing stood out clearly to him:

You were a good shot. They all agreed to that. To them, though your personality was shit, you had the eye of a hawk and the hands of a trained and experienced veteran who knew the sniper like the back of their hand. 

He couldn’t help but admire you, regardless of the fact you’ve never acknowledged his presence or even looked at him. 

He also couldn’t help but admire how calm you were, how you were just... yourself. Sleeves always rolled up with your tattoos in full display, a cigarette always nursed between your lips, the fact you never watered down your personality; he wanted that confidence—no, that sureness your character carried. 

König knew you liked to lurk near the shooting range—since you’d joined, he avoided disturbing you and had often gone to the other side of the range to practice his shots. 

However, in a fit of uncharacteristic confidence, he decided to approach you. 

He was prepared for your scathing words, or the silent look of disgust you often wore around the other men.

But, when he approached, you regarded him neutrally. 

“Hey, you’re...” 

“König.”

“Yeah, König, you’re König.” You echoed the accent of the word, looking proud. “I pronounced that well, right? König.” You repeated his name as though it were a flavorful candy.

He was rendered mute; German sounded so nice on your tongue. 

“König?” 

“A-ah, scheiße, I was lost in thought for a second,” he laughed awkwardly. “You said it well, yes.” 

“‘kay, good. Anyway, what’d you want?’

It was a blunt but reasonable question, but with your eyes trained on him, it was suddenly hard to speak or think. 

Bashfully, he spoke. “May I shoot with you?” 

“Uh, of course? This isn’t my shooting range, man. Have fun.” 

“No, with you.” 

“With me?” You echoed, dumbfounded. “How’d that work?” 

“We’ll make it a friendly competition—if you’d like, of course—whoever gets the most bulls-eyes wins.”

You smiled. It was brighter than the sun. “Sure! Sounds like fun—you go first, then.” 

König does. It was an easy shot, anyone could hit it, but he could feel your eyes watching him. 

Trying to steady his hands, he set his sniper on top of the heavy crates and tried to aim, trying to clear his mind.

It was difficult. Again, your eyes—he wondered if he was making any mistakes he didn’t even know of. He was sure he was doing everything right, but... was he? 

“Your hands are shaking, König. Try steadying them like this,” roughly, you took the hand that had been on the trigger and made the weight even. 

His cheeks erupted in warmth. Too close. 

He quickly takes a shot, and it was just about to hit the bullseye. 

“Time to show ya how the pros do it!” You sit right beside him, kneeling in front of the crates and setting your own sniper onto them. He noticed rough engravings on the snout of your gun, a rough shape of a butterfly and snake. 

Before he could ask about them, you shot. You had barely paused to even adjust. 

When he looked up, he couldn’t help the wave of admiration that hit him.

You hit the bullseye perfectly.

“Maybe one day you can be as good as me,” you teased, voice light. “But your ass needs practice. Can I help?” 

He couldn’t trust his voice so he merely nodded. Thank God he had a hood over his head because he was sure he resembled more tomato than a human. 

After that though, the two of you became closer—you saw each other more, interacted more, etc. 

You had taken a swift liking to him; he was eager to learn, polite, and soft-spoken, how could you not? 

König, though? He’s skipped the ‘friend’ part and went straight to crushing; honestly, he was flattered enough that you just acknowledged his presence, being one of the best snipers and all, but the fact you went out of your way to teach him—talk to him—it went all straight to the heart.

Even on missions, you’d talk to him. You’d often favor being quiet, whistling the odd tune or two before taking your shots, but now you’ve come to just take those small pauses to tease him incessantly. 

König was about to maul an enemy before a bullet shot through their head. 

His earphones sparked to life. 

“You should be more careful, I almost couldn’t save you there.” Your voice crackled through. 

He couldn’t help but huff, half amused, half worried. “Didn’t Aksel say for you to clear out the enemies on your end?” 

“Did already. They were like sitting ducks.”

You two are an actual powerhouse in missions; König with his physical prowess, easily overpowering anyone in his way, and you with your sniper, taking any enemies behind him down in an instant. 

You only grew closer to him and vice versa, and eventually, the daily conversations nearly became constant—attached to the hip, understanding each other to the extent that quick glances would equate to hundreds of lines of dialogue. 

It was during this that you realize you’ve grown... attached. 

It worries you—no, it scares you. 

You were, in your eyes, a poison that could do nothing but harm a soul like König’s; despite is outward brutality, you knew inside he was nothing but gentle—or maybe you were blind. Maybe you were in love and refused to see the dark that tainted his inner consciousness. 

Or, maybe, you liked that too about him. 

In any case, it was worrisome; it bit at your insides, at the quiet part of your mind, it lit everything to flame then ash. 

You weren’t the woman you were before the military; fuck, maybe that version of you never existed—you were always so fucked up, so full of incomprehensible anger that set every step you took on fire. 

That worry turned to anxiety, and it only increased when you realized that your stable, steady hands have become a shaking mess. 

It was during a pause between missions that you try to clear your head, to purge those feelings you thought and knew wouldn’t lead to any good. 

However König—oh, König—followed.

You told him not to, but he knew something was wrong, that you weren’t quite as steady as he’d known you to be; it was a weakness, a vulnerability that, right now, could harm you. 

Neither of you had the comfort of being weak, especially in a safe house that could be overridden with hostiles at any moment of the day. If he couldn’t help, he’d at least want to be able to protect you during this time.

So, he followed, through the murky corridors and under the cloak of night, finding you outside with a cigarette between your lips. 

You saw him and you were ready to snap at him, to drive him away, but he spoke so fucking softly. 

“Are you okay?”

You weren’t. He knew you weren’t, and you knew he knew that. 

So you sighed. Gestured for him to come, and he did, leaning against the concrete wall beside you. 

You were particularly loose-lipped, but at that moment, all inhibitions of restraint were gone. 

“It’s all a lie—when people join the military, it’s rarely for that strive of good.” You took a harsh suck of the cigarette. “You think any person with a good head on their shoulders and love for life would want to be in a fuckin’ military? Or a merc group? No amount of money makes this worth it, no... never.” 

König was silent. Listening. Thinking.

“More often than not, people just join to just—run. Die. Cut their losses and just engulf themselves in the worst of the worst because of their own flaws—hamartias. Know that word?”

König nodded.

You laughed airily. It was hardly a laugh, more like a throwaway noise. “I learnt it back in high school in English class—’fatal flaw of a hero’, or something. Flaws... good, bad, right, wrong, villainous, heroic, it’s a mouthful, isn’t it?”

König nodded again. 

“So many labels for those who, in hindsight, or just cogs to a greater machine. A twisted machination—isn’t that the true evil? The machinery?”

“You make it sound difficult,” König breathed. “When everything is so much simpler than that. Personal principles define those beliefs, right and wrong is as broad as it is small.” 

You hummed. “Never struck you for the philosophical type.”

“I’m not. Philosophy is redundant. The answer is always found within our hearts.” 

“Hmmm.” You took another puff of the cigarette. “The answer in my heart was anger. Always anger. Violence, insults, it always seemed most effective... I thought the military would set me straight, make me more controlled, but it did the opposite.” You stared at the ground, smoke spilling out your lips. “I’m worse now, a festering disease. I can feel myself burning out day by day, and, König? I want you to stay away from that—from me.” 

“I won’t.” 

“What?” 

“I refuse. I will stay by your side.” I can’t bear to leave you alone. 

“But... why?” Why, why, why? 

“Because you’re the most beautiful flame I’ve ever seen.” I love you. Accept that. “Don’t cut yourself short, liebe. You can always change and grow. Or remain stagnant. Either way, my eyes will always be on you.”

You, for the first time in your life, couldn’t trust your voice. 

But when you looked up at him, you hoped that the message was there. That he could see. 

And he did, and you couldn’t help the smile when you saw that the corners of his eyes crinkled. 

AO3

Masterlist

Requests are open

[luv-gukkie]

★ 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫, 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐤 ★

ᗯᗩᖇᑎIᑎᘜ ⚠︎︎ : іᥒᥒ᥆ᥴᥱᥒ𝗍!rᥱᥲძᥱr, ᥲgᥱ gᥲ⍴, іᥒ𝖿ᥲ𝗍ᥙᥲ𝗍ᥱძ!ᥡ᥆᥆ᥒgі, 𝗍ᥲkіᥒg ᥲძ᥎ᥲᥒ𝗍ᥲgᥱ, ᥎іrgіᥒ!rᥱᥲძᥱr, ძ᥆mіᥒᥲᥒ𝗍 ᥡ᥆᥆ᥒgі, 𝗍ᥲkіᥒg ᥎іrgіᥒі𝗍ᥡ, ⍴r᥆𝗍ᥱᥴ𝗍ᥱძ sᥱ᥊ (good job yoongi), innocent!rᥱᥲძᥱr, ᥆rᥲᥣ sᥱ᥊ (𝖿ᥱmᥲᥣᥱ rᥱᥴᥱі᥎іᥒg), ძ᥆ᥴ𝗍᥆r!ᥡ᥆᥆ᥒgі

Pairing: Fem! Reader x Yandere Min Yoongi

last time you were here, your tummy was upset and your nose sniffled every chance it got. you told yoongi how you felt with such an upset tone. "dr.min, i just don't want to be sick anymore. i don't like it." you pouted, your pink lips falling down so cutely. he remembered what you wore too. a nice little pink dress that reached your thighs with some white shoes that had long, white socks sticking out of them. your mother sat in the corner, explaining to him that you've been ill for weeks and that you were terrified at just the thought of walking through the hospital doors. you blushed at the comment, whining your mother's name for spilling too much information. he checked your temperature and other things as well, asked you some questions that your mother answered instead of you, annoying him in the process. what would it take to just hear your voice more. but other than that, you were such a sweet girl. that's why he gave you a strawberry flavored lollipop each time you visited. maybe it was the small sparkle in your eyes when you saw him pull out the sweet and the way you told him that you were very thankful. it's the same reason why yoongi has a gummy smile on his face when he saw your scheduled appointment. oh boy, he couldn't wait to see you.

the first thing he noticed as he walked in was your shoes neatly placed beside the hospital's chair; clearly standing out in plain room with white walls and no decor that could possibly illuminate like you did. you sat there, legs pressed together and hands under your legs with a gentle smile pressing on your face. "hi mr. min!" he laughed in return. you could never get the fact that it was dr. min. no matter the amount of time he and your mother told you. at the thought of your mother, he didn't see her. "where's your mother?" at his question your body slouched and you stared at your lap, "my mom told me to come on my own...that i'm a big girl." a pout on your lips as you told him.

whenever you came, it was a refreshing sight of life and a better day for him because all day he would stare at people who complained to him or coughed in his face and other monotonous doctors that had gray strands growing in their hair and wrinkles on their bodies. however, yoongi could always count on you to make him smile. "don't worry, this will be fast and fun!" he moved the strand of soft hair behind your ear and placed his hands on top of your lap, rubbing them, "let's start!" he wiggled his eyebrows making you giggle. he checked you and everything seemed to be normal. when he asked why you came, you explained to him that you had gotten a terrible flu and that you worried it could be something else as you kept on sneezing each second of the day. exaggerating was always a big part in your personality, yoongi found it hilarious.

yet, there was a stutter at his smile when he realized you didn't fake your illness to see him. but it was all alright, at least he could see you now and in a healthier state. "okay, well you're all better now. how are you?", he asked, well aware that it's his job to find out if his patients are healthy mentally as well,"anything happening at home?" his back facing you in order to type in his computer, prescribing a medicine to help you with your allergies. the ones that you said turn your face red, nose stuffy, throat itchy, and eyes all watery; that make you stay in bed. when yoongi heard a broken sob behind him, he's never looked so fast. he ran to be by your side, worried completely on your behalf. he caressed your face and pulled at your cheeks gently, whispering to you. "what's wrong honey?" you couldn't face him when you had this guilt building up on you. "d-dr. min, i l-lied to my mom", he nodded his head, suggesting that you should finish, "a-and to everyone else that i don't have a boyfriend." you finally cried out in frustration; big, fat tears falling down your face. "b-because i-i do!" yoongi couldn't believe what was coming out of your mouth. his mind not willing to grasp around the fact that you had someone that held you. that kissed your lips, held your hand, and cuddled you secretly. his mind trying to form another version to help him cope. it's true that every young person has someone before they find their true love. yet, sometimes the person they date from young ages are the ones where everything happens.

your heavy head finally looking up to see his reaction, his figure loomed over you and his dark eyes seemed distant as they stared at you. his gummy smile no longer there, just a pat on your head and he left your side. at least he tried, your hand quickly grasped his wrist and a whine escaped your lips along with a cry. "m-mr. min, please stay!" you grabbed his white coat, doing your best to prevent him from leaving the room. tears strayed form your eyes, your knees touching the cold floor as you continued to babbler nonsense. anything to make him stay and comfort you. he was the only one you could trust, you couldn't tell anyone else. your frustrations pausing when he turned around to look at you on the floor, "good girls don't do that (y/n). they don't lie like you did", his face said it all; how disgusted he was by your actions.

"b-but mr.min i'm not lying to yo-", his shoe smoothly touched your covered cunt. "stop talking." you whimpered at the contact and hugged his leg as a reflex. "you probably fool around with boys." you shook your head at his comment with small moans slipping out of your mouth as his foot pressed against your folds more. you close your eyes at the feeling of your stomach clenching. his eyes lusting at the sight beneath him. "a slut." he says as your eyes water. he could easily take off that tiny skirt you always wear and that buttoned up white shirt that's see through, giving him and everyone else the view of your bra and cleavage. sobs broke out of your mouth as you mumbled things he couldn't understand, all while pushing your cunt against his shoe. hiccups escaped your small mouth, delicious to yoongi's ears. he kneeled to be just above your head, "does it feel good?" his voice covered with curiosity to know how you felt, questions popping up in his head if you had ever made love with someone else. your voice timid, "i-it feels weird," as you spoke to him you fastened your hips. your fingers clawed the fabric of his pants. "describe it honey," yoongi removed the hairs sticking to your sweaty forehead, fascinated at what he was witnessing and hearing from you.

he never thought he would have this chance. a chance with you. you whispered how it made your princess part feel strange and hot. made you wanna go faster. he played with your hair like how his fingers traced the cream buttons to your shirt. yoongi's foot started bouncing up and down with you on it. your breath became ragged and yoongi smiled down at you, "go on little one, finish up." you moaned out, "mr. min i-i feel like i need to pee." your lips separated and cheeks all blushed. your sight covered with unknown, innocent lust. his fingertips undid five of the tiny buttons, cleavage fully exposed and bra straps slowly caressing your shoulders as they fell down. his long fingers landed on your thighs, rubbed them all the way until your skirt wasn't doing it's job on covering your pussy and your thighs. the scene in front of him taking his breath away: panties all drenched with your own needs, the fabric colliding your folds each time you inched forward and back to reach your high, and his leather shoe smeared with your wetness. the hold on his black pants tightened and a muffled scream, and that's when he saw it. your panty moved aside just in time for him to catch sight of your cum dripping out onto his shoe and the floor. folds covered with the sticky substance that made his mouth water and eyes all hazy from it.

yoongi noticed the change of pace, your head starting to lower and eyes fluttering. "what's wrong, little one?" his eyes dangerous, "did you like it?" he asked, this time fully taking off the blouse and bra. he almost couldn't hear the "mhm" from your throat. almost. it was a reassurance that yoongi could continue. "you wanna slip out of your skirt?" he helped you up on the examination table, ignoring the pain of the erection you caused. your dazed form so easy to carry and control. probably even easier to break. your small hands compared to his, pushed the patterned skirt down to the glossy floor. yoongi walked to the door and fully locked it. your big eyes watching him for his next move. a need you didn't know about creeped out of your tiny hole. you laid back, overwhelmed and in tears on why your hole keeps closing around nothing but fresh, cool air. why it felt so lonely and warm, hoping mr. min could fix it like he always does to help you get better from colds.

yoongi spreads your legs apart, giving him the sight of your panties and the valley of your tits. he fondled with them; his cold fingers tracing you silt with the material sticking to folds. he dips his face close and put your legs on his shoulders. his lips leaving a tiny peck on it. then a long lick in the center of your panty, where he could feel the puddle of cum sitting. he drags them off your legs and into the pocket of his white, laboratory coat. "mr. min, it bothers me!" you whine out and throw a mini tantrum at how long he was taking. he was gonna take it slow, but you could be such a brat sometimes. throwing a fuss when all he wanted to do was help, he needed to teach you why you have to be patient. something your mom missed to teach you and now he could. yoongi settled himself between your legs, a mess forming on the harsh, thin paper beneath the two of you. he shifts his fingers under your thighs and pulls your measly form to him. he makes sure your head is away from him. he tugs of every clothing that blocks his dick from meeting your hole until his bare shaft is out and hitting his abdomen. "spit," he demands as his hand closes in on your mouth. and once he has it, yoongi pumps his cock a few times with your saliva, rubbing it all round his cock. since you wanted to hurry up, now you're gonna feel the consequences of not waiting to get your hole stretched before.

yoongi groaned in sweetness as slid his cockhead on your slit, using all the wetness he can receive to spread it out. your nails break through the thin paper under you at the anticipation to get away from the feeling. "it might hurt a little," he pauses because yoongi knows he's lying to you. but it's too late to turn back now so he puts a condom on for protection. yoongi gently pushes the palm of his hand on your mouth and jerks his cock past your cum-covered folds, through that small hole of yours. his palm hides the painful scream you emit from his peers and the plump tears fall out all over again, coating the dry tears. "it's okay baby, dr.min is just gonna push the rest in." but before he does, he looks at you in the eyes, as if searching for something.

you don't realize what it is, all you know is how your jutting your hips towards yoongi even though the mushroom tip of his cock felt worse than a regular booboo. the way your cunt ached with heat and your hole kept swallowing nothing telling you to push down through the pain. your walls painfully molding around his cock. your hands attached themselves around his waist, fisting his lab coat. you whimper his name loudly as you roll your eyes till the back of your head. yoongi doesn't dare to move, not wanting to hurt you in the process of making love to you. instead, he whispers soft, gentle words to your ear. he caresses your arm until your elbow and back again. he connects both of your foreheads together, a gummy smile on his face that brings a smile to yours. "mr. min, why are you smiling?" you ask with curiosity in your tone, slowly forgetting about the pain between your legs. "cause you're so cute." he says in his casual tone, knowing that you don't notice the difference of how he talks to you compared to every other person who walks the ground of earth. your cluelessness to his lovesick eyes and small hints. your jaded eyes only seeing his lazy, brown orbs with nothing in it. and when yoongi starts moving his hips against yours, his stiff dick is submerged entirely into your sopping cunt.

his slacked mouth he breathes out a heavy groan at the feeling of your walls randomly contracting around him. the pleasure so unknown and foreign to you. not knowing why you felt so full when dr.min finally pushed against you. why your body reacted like this, but yoongi knew why your back arched. it was the dull ache of his cock resting inside of your tightened pussy. every single twitch of his cock intensifies a tensing of your own cunt, both of your bodies feeling high. his beautiful hair is messy on his head, and each time you looked down you see his muscles flexing as he holds you against his body when he pivots his pelvis into you.

he wishes he could be yours. even if he told you, you wouldn't understood. he's got all these secrets building up on him, all of them include you. he shouldn't be here with you; with your scent on him, wrapped around in your arms with your clothes on the floor. But he can't help that you've got him wrapped around your pretty finger, and that you don't even know the power you hold over him. "my pretty, little baby," he purrs into your ear. his warm breath hitting your ear shell causing a faint moan escaping your plump lips. in his mind, both of you are connected without a barrier, so he pushes himself as much as he can with the lasts of his few deep, rough thrusts. plunging himself as far as he can into your womb, thinking of how your cunt pulses around him heavenly and with that, his cum spurts on the condom. yoongi lifts your hips up while you arch your back as you milk his dick completely. your voice is filled with panic as you stutter, "i want to pee." your eyes make contact with his as your mouth opens to let out a loud moan from the luscious orgasm. your eyes closing shut at the eye contact, shy that you're peeing in front of yoongi again. you're leaking out all over, some of it goes to the floor.

yoongi's eyes twinkle at the sight of you. his mind taking a picture of you like this. you were too good for this world, too pure to walk around by yourself but he couldn't block you from it. he wasn't one to mess around with people's life, and he definitely wasn't going to mess with yours. it was your choice what you wanted to do, not his. no matter how his beating heart rang in his ears or how thoughts ran throughout his mind to shield you, to keep you locked up from everybody else. even that mom of yours who dared to send you to the doctor's office your own. anybody could've taken advantage of you. yet, in the end, he could never. you could decide what to do with your own life. so, at least for now, yoongi was just gonna watch you from faraway. but his heart betrays him because it continues to pester him on his desires on how he wishes he could be yours. and even if he told you, you wouldn't understood. he's got all these secrets building up on him, all of them about you, of how much he fucking loves you. he shouldn't be here with you; with your scent on him, wrapped around in your arms with your clothes on the floor.

yet he can't help that you've got him wrapped around your small finger, and that you don't even know the power you hold over him. "my pretty, little baby," he purrs into your ear. his warm breath hitting your ear shell causing a faint moan to slip out of your plump lips. such a small sound from you makes him go crazy. "i'll have you soon." he whispers more to himself than to you. yoongi pulls out and throws the used condom away, his hands sculpting you back up to perfection. the small buttons sliding through the holes, all the way up to the collar. your eyes dart all over the room, avoiding yoongi's eyes as you feel the wetness on your pussy lips.

your panty is sealed in his pocket, but you've already forgot about them, letting the cold breeze touch your cunt. you can feel the stickiness between your legs, your lip quivers and your eyes fill up with tears until you finally let them go. "yoongi", you weep, "i'm sorry that i peed~." your cheeks flourished with tears and blush at the embarrassment you felt coursing through you. "please don't tell anyone," you begged, a little scared in the inside. "it's okay, let's not tell anyone, pinky promise?" he said, sticking out his pinky finger. nodding your head, you took his finger into yours, noticing the height difference. your tiny hole squelching wetness out without knowing why. yoongi snickered as he watched your cunt get wet at anything. "you like this, don't you? i thought you were a good girl. but you like it when i put my fingers inside of you, especially when my cock splits your cute pussy lips apart. never knew you could be such a whore." you feel a shiver go up your spine and a gush of something out of your princess part when his fingers part your folds. the air flowing in causing you to moan out his name and hold on to his wrist. "because you were a good patient, you can ask me for anything you want." that's how you found yourself repeating after yoongi for him to ram his fingers inside you as a reward. each leg on his side with your skirt flipped upwards once again. warm forehead against the chilly wall, eyes rolled back. completely unaware that yoongi's phone was out, filming every second your cunt wrapping itself around almost his whole fist.

"i'll see you next time, can't wait!" yoongi gives you a gummy smile. "here, a strawberry lollipop." the lollipop pressing against the tip of your noise. your eyes shine at the sweet treat, pulling it out of his hand with grabby hands. skipping away from him after a mutter of goodbyes from you, enjoying the first time you've gone to the doctor alone.

"very soon." a grin on his face as he watches you walk away from him with one hand holding down your skirt. yoongi laughs in the inside at the realization of something. he makes his way to bathroom and secures himself into a stall digging into his pocket for a certain piece of fabric. when he draws it out, your panties are dangling on his finger pads. he snickers at the fact that you left unaware of your not having any underwear on and he's slightly envious that the cool air is touching your bare pussy. so careless of you that any breeze could flip that already short skirt of yours upwards. oh such a slut people would think you were, walking with your cunt unclothed. yoongi spends his time fondling with your panties, playing around with them, making them kiss his cock all around.

he knows he'll see you soon, and when that time comes, you'll be his too.

[vivianvixen]

Back in the days of yore, baby Vivian would ask her parents when Children's Day was, since we had Mother's Day and Father's Day. My parents would give me some platitude about how every day is children's day! But they could've also just said "20th of November," an answer I would probably have found more satisfactory.

Recently this one guy in an explicitly leftist space commented how the Y-chromosome clearly leads to brain damage or mental illness or something. If you've ever wondered whether internalized misandry is a thing, yeah turns out it is.

So let me talk to the boys, more specifically cishet boys: you're actually great. Well maybe not you personally, I don't know all of you and I bet some of you are real pieces of work, but, like, being a cishet dude? That's great, I love that you are that thing!

You being born a straight cis male added to the beautiful patchwork quilt that is humanity. You are not the default. You are a vibrant splash of color on the human canvas. Even vanilla is a flavor.

Maybe you've heard about how great you are in a very different tone, one that suggests you ought to be placed on a pedestal above others, and that doesn't sit right with you. Well it doesn't sit right with me, either! So take this from someone who probably agrees with you on a lot of things: you can still be proud of who and what you are, because truth be told you are not on a pedestal, you are more than likely down here in the mud with the rest of us. So let's get together and bake that mud into bricks, then build a big tower we can climb to fight God!

So next time some dudebro asks "oh but when's International Men's Day, huh?!?!?!" you can, instead of delivering whatever scathing remark you had in mind, hit them with "the 19th of November." Love yourself for what you are, because God (whom we are about to fight) knows I do.

[the-golden-vanity]

💚 for the Terror. 💖🧡 and 📖 (but chapter(s) instead of entire book(s)) for Moby Dick

💚: What does everyone else get wrong about your favorite character?

Ooh, it's time to make some enemies.

I really, really dislike the popular fanon characterizations of James Fitzjames. Depending on what particular flavor of queer a fanwork is depicting him as, the kind of... shallow femininity that gets forced on him makes me MASSIVELY uncomfortable. It often comes across as somewhere between homophobic and misogynistic caricature, personality stripped away and replaced with a pretty dress.

I can see where this started, though—the pre-Carnivale dress scene is something that's very important to a lot of Terror fans, and perhaps something that endeared them to a character whose Empire-loving, glory-hounding, "the atrocities I've committed are fun table conversation"-believing ways are (hopefully) unsympathetic to a modern audience. Still, I'd like to see more fanworks engage with that side of James Fitzjames—the tool of an empire that can never love him back.

This isn't to say I don't love queer or trans readings of Fitzjames! I just want to see the character still be a glory-hounding veteran of an imperialist war, and someone I can still believe would shoot rockets at bears.

💖: Already answered here!

🧡: What is a popular (serious) theory you disagree with?

I had to think about this one for a bit. I'd say it's the take that I see floating around on the Internet a lot that Moby-Dick is cosmic horror. If we're taking cosmic horror to mean the horror of the incomprehensible, the impossibly alien, the Things Man Was Not Meant To Know, then there is exactly one chapter that fits the bill—"The Castaway", which includes maybe my favorite passage of the whole book.

However, almost the entire rest of the book is our narrator-protagonist making sense of the whale, as if knowing everything he can about it is his way of coping with the devastating trauma of losing everyone he spent two years of his life living with.

It's almost reverse cosmic horror—rather than a sane man going mad from coming face to face with an incomprehensible monstrosity, our mentally ill (traumatized/depressed/bipolar/open to interpretation) protagonist makes meaning for himself by learning to comprehend the monstrosity.

📖: If you had to remove one chapter from the book, which would you choose?

Ooh, that's a good question. And a hard one.

Moby-Dick is, rather famously, full of chapters upon chapters of whale facts, some of which are even true. I will not be getting rid of any of those. Those are load-bearing whale facts. You pull them out, and the book collapses into a respectable revenge tragedy, rather than the earth-shattering psychological epic that it is. The whale facts represent both the fact that for long stretches of a sea voyage, nothing particularly exciting is going on, and you have time to contemplate things like the immense scarred brow of the whale, and also that this story is being told by a traumatized man who's going off on tangents because he really doesn't want to get around to the part of the story where he loses everything and all of his friends die.

If I had to get rid of one chapter, it would probably be "The Town Ho's Story". Of all the ill omens and tales of woe that the Pequod's crew encounter on their fateful final voyage, this one drags out longest and (to me) was one of the less memorable. However, I'm sure it's probably someone's favorite chapter. Many of them are.

Thank you so much, @georges-chambers/@alienmythologist! You gave me much to think about.

Ask me for my unpopular opinions about boat stories!

[red-hibiscus]

BL characters I relate to most as a mentally ill gay trans man

Daisy from SCOY

Surprising no one, I, a trans person, relate to Daisy. They're outgoing and seemingly don't care about how people view them. They know they're visibly queer and they normally don't mind it (from what I see). But at the end of the day, society does affect them. They're hesitant to believe Touch genuinely cares and is attracted to them despite Touch being an absolute green flag who is very direct with his flirting. Even after, Daisy was worried about people would view their relationship with Touch and tried to become Day, a more masculine version of themself. Impossible of course and they broke down emotionally exhausted. I feel that so much because I also don't believe it when people, especially cis gay men, are attracted to me. I've caught myself trying to change my behavior to be more masculine (as I'm a bit on the nonbinary side of things). It's bad, but I know how Daisy feels.

Wang from 180 Degree Longtitude Passes Through Us

As a 26 year old trans gay immigrant in a country that doesn't want me, I have a shit ton of pent up anger that has been building up since I was a child. I've calmed down over the years, but I can still be stubborn and argumentative when it comes to politics and human rights. I'm also a linguistics major, thus an academic.

Wang is so much like myself and like a lot of people around me. Like me and Wang would be close friends irl I know it. We're young and stubborn. We're angry at the older conservative people around us, too much sometimes. So he lashes out. Many of his points are correct, but they're not hitting. Partially because the people he's talking to don't want to change, partially because he himself is stubborn. People like us yearn to be free, to be ourselves and to learn. Wang has a passion for the humanities like myself. Yet he knows society really only cares about STEM fields. I've compromised and am getting a master's in computational linguistics. Even though really I just wanna learn as much as I can about sociolinguistics.

Karl from Gaya Sa Pelikula

I haven't watched GSP in a hot minute, but I do remember feeling very seen.

So in the show Karl has his gay awakening, tries to internally and externally deny it, and eventually let himself be free to feel everything and be himself (at least in private).

Now I didn't have a gay awakening, but I guess you could say a trans awakening. In middle school I felt different, I suspected maybe some flavor of LGBT, but wasn't sure and I was too afraid to think about it too hard. Come high school I secretly wanted to join the LGBT club, but was afraid. Then I was essentially adopted into the LGBT club and dragged into the friend group during lunch because I was a loner like everyone else. At the time still "identified" as a cishet woman. As time went on people started to suspect. "Why are you in the club?", "why did you cut your hair", "why do you dress like that?", "your voice is low for a girl haha", etc. Much like Karl, I was not ready for any of that. I was still struggling to make sense of it all and come to terms with it myself. So I kept rejecting it and every time it hurt.

I kept rejecting it until I couldn't. Until someone I resonated with so much came out as trans and it clicked. My trans awakening was complete. I became able to be more myself, but only in private safe spaces. I wouldn't come out and live as a man until after high school and it was terrifying.

Adachi from Cherry Magic

I've only watched the jpn ver, but I'm sure that character remains the same.

I'm anxious and used to be quite shy. Now I'm just awkward. I'm really bad at seeing the good in myself cause I feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly in life. Not that impressive. So when people compliment me I think "haha they're just being nice" (refer back to me never believing people are actually attracted to me).

Adachi is the exact same. He has the same routine every day. Just going through the motions and not really thinking anything of himself. But then Kurosawa comes along and the ability to read minds. Adachi then realizes "wait, someone I respect so much actually loves me? And thinks I have a lot of good qualities? Makes me wanna cry." And me too Adachi. I'd be the same.

Jared from 7 Days Before Valentine

Jared, my precious baby, is described throughout the show as kind, but weird and different. We later learn that he has dyslexia, and honestly he seems to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Even if he isn't, he has a behavioral difference people pick up on and then shun him for it.

I too was seen as kinda weird growing up. Maybe it was the autism, maybe it was the social anxiety. Probably both. And then of course there was the gnawing feeling that I was different than everyone else and it turns out it's because I'm trans.

So when Jared said that people didn't talk to him because he wasn't like other people it hit me so hard.

Myungha from Love For Love's Sake

The whole show is sad yet cathartic for me. Myungha is depressed yet spends his time comforting others. He has a hard time loving and receiving love. If you give him a fictional character who is very similar to him he will love them and see all the good, but he doesn't see it in himself. Relatable as hell.

I have an incredibly hard time being honest with my emotions and letting people love me and express attraction. Mostly in a romantic/sexual context. Dpdr is cockblocking me. So dating is hell, but I'm lonely and yearn to not be.

Probably if you put me in a situation like Myungha I'd also go "yep, that right there is my blorbo" and then not realize that all the things I like about the person and make me care about them are things I have.

Honorable mentions:

Both Akk and Ayan from The Eclipse

Nozue from Old Fashion Cupcake

Oh-Aew from I Told Sunset About You

Cher from A Boss and a Babe (I headcannon him as autistic)

Amber from DNA Says Love You

Uea from Bed Friend

Mitsuomi from Restart After Come Back Home

Jao from SCOY

Maybe I'll make another post for those later

[literallykenmaandshoyo]

Maybe fanfic about how swaggersouls meet reader's parents? ( parents are in a different country far away and are not on good terms with the reader. Abusive itc?) Also they came to the reader for not nice suprise and yelling at them to back home?

Swagger with a S/O with Abusive Parents

Swaggersouls x GN! Reader Requested by: Anon Proofread: N/A Genre: Angst, comfort Music: Haunted Mansion Holiday Soundtrack Warnings: Reader is mentally ill due to abuse, reader is a first-generation kid, reader takes medication, parents are just genuinely mean Author's Note: While my parents are not from a different country (at least not a first gen kid), I used my own experiences of having abusive parents. Reminder, if your parents or guardian are abusive or have abusive behaviors, please tell a therapist or someone you trust. You don't deserve to go through that alone. -Mod Kenma

When you say you didn't have a good relationship with your parents, it was a violent understatement

You were pushed to be the best, constantly

Nothing was good enough for them

You needed to be the top of every class, ace every test, be the popular friend

It deteriorated your mental health, causing you to spiral 

It wasn't until you moved out and your parents moved back to your home country that you slowly started to heal 

You went to therapy, got diagnosed, and was given medication to help 

You didn't feel constantly better but it was a major improvement 

When you got with Swagger, he was the rock you didn't know you needed 

He helped you when you felt lost and reminded you to take your medication when needed 

It seemed like your progress halted because, without warning, your parents told you they were on their way to visit you 

You spiraled into a breakdown but Swagger was there to help pick up the pieces 

He helped you with preparations (cooking, cleaning, making sure everything looks perfect) 

As soon as the doorbell rung, Swagger kissed you and opened the door

Both your parents entered and have your house a detailed look around 

You showed them to their room while Swagger got the kitchen ready for dinner 

They saw Bear and Bean and your mother automatically called them ugly 

You winced and picked up Bean, pressing a kiss onto her head 

You all went back to the kitchen and got ready for dinner 

Your mother nitpicked everything that the two of you cooked 

It lacked spice, flavor, and was overcooked, apparently 

You tried your best not to sigh and continued to eat

Soon, the conversation shifted to what you and Swagger do for a living 

You calmly explained your normal job, trying not to get too passionate 

You loved your job but was scared to admit that you loved it 

It was brushed off almost immediately and your parents turned their focus onto Swagger 

As badly as he wanted to fake everything, you told him you wanted him to be honest 

Not that you didn't want to lie to your parents, its that if they were going to get mad, you wanted them to get mad over something real 

You wanted to be able to have counterarguments to support your boyfriend and his job 

So, when your parents asked, Swagger told them that he made videos on the internet as was a part of a podcast 

Your parents gave you a look 

One that read "are you serious" 

You shifted in your seat and cleared your throat

You explained to your parents that the two of you made enough money to live more than comfortable lives

The two of you could afford to go on spur of the moment trips and-

You were cut off

You were told that what you did for a living was no means to live 

They went on and on about how you should be a doctor or a teacher or someone important

You shrunk in your seat 

Swagger slammed his hand down as gently as he could and he explained to your mother and father that every job is important

YOU ARE IMPORTANT Swagger says 

You watched as Swagger told your parents off for not respecting you 

He went on and on about how you deserve respect and that you are your own person 

They don't own you

They never did 

All you could do was watch as your parents became offended and leave

They said never to speak to them again but for some reason, you weren't upset about it 

A strange weight was lifted off of your shoulders

Swagger kissed the crown of your head and promised you that he'd stand up for you no matter what 

[wildernezz]

would love to be analyzed if you would like~

okay this is pretty rushed because i wanted to get it done the moment i could, so here we are. sorry if this isn't accurate. i usually ask for a list of characters and post this stuff on my analysis blog @analyzing-people-like-hell but i'm just basing this off of skimming through your blog for a while. so i've got no clue how accurate this really is. hopefully you get sumn out of it tho lollll:

you are deeply attached to your favorite media. it was there for you when nobody else was. you don't just watch media, you make a home in it. and when people don't understand your media, they don't understand you. it's your life, and even if it seems stupid to others, you intend on keeping it close to your heart anyways.

something about you says not neurotypical. idk what flavor of neurodivergent you could be but it is not neurotypical. or, other option, you're depressed/anxious as hell. either you're mentally ill or you're mentally ill and a little goofy. who knows.

the more i try to look through your posts, the more i'm leaning towards the whole thing with anxiety. maybe i'm just biased because of the kuromi pfp (which based btw). i feel like if you were ever into my little pony you totally related to fluttershy. but for some reason i'm also getting a slight mix of rarity and twilight. leaning towards fluttershy though.

you should watch dead poets society. something about you screams "i'm into that poetic old-timey romantic deep shit", so if you are i'd totally recommend dps. i have a feeling you'd relate a whole lot to todd anderson. 

betrayal/abandonment/trust issues. idk why but i get that gut feeling. people have def hurt you before. idk how, idk why, but it's happened and the effects have stayed for a long ass time.

you really do just want to be loved. you want to be held and embraced while you're curled up into a ball. you yearn to have the movie life that you watch constantly. to feel like the main character just once. to be truly and unconditionally cared for by just one person. is it selfish? maybe. but you want it. after everything you've been through, it's all that you want. this world is cruel and relentless. can you be blamed for wanting a break from it all? is it really that selfish to yearn for freedom?  

i honestly can't think of anything more. i tried my best with it. if you want, i'm totally willing to try again on my other blog and with a list of characters. i'd def be able to go more in depth in that case lolll. hopefully this was at least a little interesting to read tho B)

[yermes]

PAC: 🍁

School started for me and starbies just came out with their seasonal fall flavors so even though I am a victim of broke college student fevar I went to starbs bc whats $15 when yr already in a fuck ton of debt. So I went to starbs with my roomie to get some PSLs. But while we were there one of the baristas was just losing their absolute fucking mind at another barista who was just trying to help these young highschoolers not be late. Like???? Screaming at her not to touch anything and she can’t fucking jump the line my heart literally broke. If I had any money like fucking dollar bills I would have given them to her. Like so fucking awful. But honestly so many people are under appreciated. I literally spend my life taking care of people who claim that. “They only think of others, and they never put themselves first, or I am JUST SUCH A CARE TAKER.” But when push comes to shove they’re no where to be found. A READING FOR MY UNDER APPRECIATED MOTHER FUCKERS SO YOU KNOW HOW LOVED AND VALUED YOU AREEEE.

(I know most of you are mystics who wish to be the most esoteric babe in the mystic forest, who has to work a 9-5 so this is for youu)

Pick a meme

The cards

Nine of Wands (Reversed) 🧸

Yesod, Lord of Great Strength, Moon in Sagittarius, 10°–20°. Angels Yirthiel and Sahiah

You are putting something off in so you can help others. Something is being delayed. You are intentionally abstaining from something which in turn is causing you to spiral. Maybe your ass is working the rush shift everyday and your coworkers are assholes and you cannot bare to leave that anxious toxic ass mess. However, you owe it to yourself to find a better environment. People don’t leave because the security of which is offered but are you actually secure or are you comfortable in your mistreatment?

find people who will do better and will work with you and match your energy.

Futility 🪒

Moon 3. In Aquarius, Netzach in Air, seven of swords

The seventh suit. A notably unlucky suit. You have been backed into a corner and you need to get your way out. Now this isn’t a gun fight its a fight of wits. You need to use your cleverness to escape. Honestly, maybe a toxic friend or person you know led you down a dark path? Maybe you got love bombed so hard and led with the promise of love and compromise you fell so hard and breaking every bone on the way down. Be safe. Get out of there

Back rooms level RUN!

Fortitude (Reversed) 🫁

Daughter of the Flaming Sword, Teth, Serpent

Damn bitch you gave so much of yourself you became ill and have been weakened SEVERELY. You are also getting resentful which is hard. Like you said you were this strong ass bitch who could do anything. So you did everything and now you have egg on your face. Some athletes get trained so hard and so extreme they die. You’ve been giving so much mentally and emotionally you weakened yourself. You wouldn’t workout till death why would you give so much till failure?

Make room for yourself and forgive yourself.

The Star 💫

Jupiter in Aquarius, Chokmah to Tiphareth, Air

Its the hope that guides us all. You have such a deep well of love in that little heart of yours. The way its telling you to go is the right one. However, an off putting aspect is there may be part of the code thats got a bug, which makes your hopeful manifestations plagued by illusions. Live in the moment. Be confident of nature and your gut. Somethings may not be clear now but day by day and little by little you will find out more and more.

Take care of yourself and protect your peace

Extras:

Story/vent: once again athlete student life os difficult and I am shoving this reading in so that I can feel productive. Plus I love yo do it!

Tip Jar

Insta

[cult-of-artemis-and-athena]

Did feminism unintentionally create married single moms??

Feminism isn't one thing. There are many flavors of feminism, some that completely contradict others on points. If your flavor of feminism doesn't promote what I'm charging "feminism" with, then I'm not talking about you, but what I'm about to describe is a rather prominent line of thought across many types of feminism.

Feminism may have painted itself into a corner with respect to family and childrearing.

Some of the strains around the second wave were not concerned or actively hostile toward these things. This was either, at best, because they were intended for a politically or earnestly Sapphic audience, or at worst, because they were reactionary and/or anti-natalist and misandrist. There was some controversy in the second wave as to whether a SAHM could even be a feminist, for example.

In my last post, I said the push for women to enter the workforce wasn't accompanied by a complementary movement to bring men into the home.

We go forward two waves to The Current Year, and while there are some feminists who view (voluntary, non-Blood-And-Soil, non-theocratic) tradwifery as a valid choice for women and not "taking women back 100 years", if we're being perfectly honest, I think a lot of feminists recoil at the idea of being a SAHM or view it as a choice for some-women-but-not-me. Secretly they have some contempt for those women. It's framed often as "It's valid and feminism is about choice but personally, I would be so bored. I don't want to waste my potential," (or similar statements) which unintentionally frames being a SAHM as something good for boring women without a lot of aspirations or things going for themselves, but not smart and interesting women with potential.

In the manosphere, I've seen being a SAHM framed as perfect for women because it's intellectually undemanding, and that women are low-intelligence and never mentally develop beyond adolescence, by nature, so they can do tedious tasks and spend all their time around children without wanting to blow their brains out like an Alpha Male would want to because he's too smart and has better, more important things to do.

Sometimes tradcons couch this a bit more gently, that "Why would women rather submit to their boss who doesn't care about them, but not submit to their husband who loves them?" It's still acknowledging that they view this as a one-way power dynamic where one person is important and the other person is not, and the full-time parent is the one that is the lesser. "Women wouldn't be so mentally ill and stressed if they just stayed home and had kids," which is still framing stay-at-home parenting as something for mentally fragile, neurotic people who can't cut it in the "real world".

The same logic is used by those men to shit on men who do chores and childcare in a significant capacity, or those who are or aspire to be SAHDs -- that those men are wasting their potential, lazy, weak, incompetent, pushovers bullied by their wives, etc.

(What an odd thing for them to say...)

Feminists generally perpetuate the same beliefs, albeit couched in different language.

If we're the type of woman to grrr at the idea of being a SAHM, we need to examine what part of that we're grrr-ing at.

Is it because it was de-facto compulsory in the past and we've adopted a sort of inter-generational trauma, so we say "Never again!" and are reflexively avoiding anything that looks like it could turn into a slippery slope?

Is it because we associate it with necessarily being shackled to a domineering and insensitive patriarchal figure who barely treats us like a real person?

Is it because we dislike the lame-ass, square, hokey-dokey, pastel-colored, squishy, cow-eyed - or maybe even cheugy - aesthetics of marriage and/or motherhood we inherited from the Victorians and see reinforced by Mormon and Evangelical influencers?

Is it because some of our childhoods were actually kind of fucked up and something adjacent to motherhood is severely triggering, or we're afraid of becoming our shitty parents?

Is it because we - be honest - think it's a lower-status position, a waste of talent of some form, suitable for someone inferior in some way, etc.?

I think the latter one - between traditionalist and redpill men, reactionary feminists, and antifeminist pick-me's - is how society views SAHMs at an aggregate level. Society doesn't give a lot of prestige for stay-at-home parents -- the less educated, less intelligent of the two parents, they gave up their job because it wasn't worth much in the first place, and if you talk to them, all they're going to talk about is their kids.

If humanity is to continue, people need to have kids, and someone needs to raise them. I think outsourcing this to corporations and the state is fucking inviting trouble, but literally who is going to raise the kids if neither parent wants to do it because everyone from the right to the left has shit on the concept of childrearing for 70 years or more?

I think that was the problem from the beginning of the women's liberation movement. It's created a situation where men entering the home without being seen as lesser is the logical response to women entering the workforce without being seen as lesser, but it's turned into a very hard sell because it comes off as "Come do this thing we don't want to do because it fucking sucks and it's for dumb people."

[ladyofspoons]

hmmm… the thoughts…

executive dysfunction time…

got lots to do today… had plenty of time to do it when i woke up…

aaaaand all i have done is sleep and eat and scroll and play a little viddo game

but because i’ve managed to play game, and drive to get food

makes me feel that perhaps i’m not really depressed or executively dysfunctional

and perhaps

merely lazy

perhaps because i was able to do something

even if it wasn’t the thing i needed to do

but because something got done

then perhaps i could have done something else

and then maybe

i could have taken care of myself a little

done the dishes, taken a shower, brushed my teeth, put on lotion, cook, do the homework that has been sitting there waiting for me for a week now and is about to become overdue even though it’s the first assignment of the semester and it’s super easy and i could do it at any time

i could do it at any time

i could

do it at any time

but i didn’t

because i’m not really trying, evidently, then i must be unworthy to claim that i’m depressed

i don’t want to be one of those people claiming mental illness for clout or internet points or attention

but i do want attention

just, the kind of attention i want is not the kind that i need, and it feels unearned, because nothing has gotten done today

i’ve lain on the bed, and on the couch, and on the bed, and on the couch

and on the bed

and on the couch

and now here i am

back in bed

writing what might qualify as a poem, but certainly lacks any polish or flavor

it wasn’t necessary supposed to be one, a poem

just a text post

maybe something akin to a journal entry

and there’s no reason, either, for me to be feeling this way

nothing went wrong today

nothing except my brain i suppose

or did i imagine that?

for attention

as an excuse

another way out of the things i don’t want to do

i want somebody to pull me out of this, but i can’t accept their help

what have i done to earn it? i didn’t even try today, why should i ask someone else’s energy to do my tasks

and yes, my friends will probably rush to help

but i’ll never feel like i deserved it

here i am

laying in bed

cuddled up to a plush shark, covered in blankets, head resting soft on a pile of pillows

feeling alone

and cold

running out the clock, until i have to go to work

and using that obligation as an excuse for failing to make any progress whatsoever

my partner, my friends, maybe even my parents will all ask me what i did today, how i’m doing

and i’ll tell them lie to them

like i always do

“oh you know, i’m fine,” i laugh lie

“just busy,” another lie

“lots of work,” a half truth “so i couldn’t finish that schoolwork,”

that chore,”

that task,”

that thing that would help,”

that thing that you’ve been asking about for months,”

every time, a lie

or at least that’s what it feels like

but it’s second nature at this point

as natural as breathing, hell, moreso

why

i don’t want to hurt these people

even posting this will be a challenge

i know they’ll see it

and they care about me, and want to help

but if i let them solve my short term problems, the long term ones pile up

i’m so used to lying about what’s happening in my life, just to avoid disappointing the people who care about me, who have invested time and emotion and resources and love, into me

and i don’t want them to give up

to know that it’s all been a waste

to understand that while there is, something wrong with me, something broken inside that makes life just that much harder

i have a hard time noticing

amidst my own self sabotage

“i’m broken,” i lie to myself “i can’t do this as easily as everyone else,”

an illusory comfort, allowing laziness, forgiving my complacency and removing any reason to change

“i’m fine”

incapable of distinguishing lie from truth within my own mind, i tell these people

and greatest sorrow, they believe me

i tell them i’m not fine enough for them to believe it when i finally say that i am

not a single person has ever noticed

not even myself

[affectiondeficitdisorder]

Attachment vs Addiction: Where does style end, and diagnosis begin?

I was recently asked what my attachment style is. I didn’t know what to say. Is “un” a style? I’m also not clear on my love language. Something with a hard-to-decipher accent, I suspect. 

Love languages, attachment styles… I don’t think love addicts fit well into these relationship categories. We are not the average Dear Prudence reader. We are the few, the proud, the neurochemically distinct. At least, I think we are. But I could be wrong. Maybe love addiction is just a dysregulated attachment style? 

I got curious so I did some research, because that’s what the internet is for. Unless you’re a sex addict, in which case it’s for pornography.

In a nutshell: Attachment theory was first proposed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby back in the 1950s, and refined by his work with developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. The idea is that a person’s comfort and confidence in close relationships – mainly but not exclusively romantic – is set up in early childhood, essentially based on how safe an infant feels with its caregiver/s. Safe = Secure Attachment. Unsafe = three flavors of Insecure Attachment.

Inconsistent or unreliable parenting leaves the child with unmet needs (“affection deficit disorder,” one might say) and sets them up for insecure attachment. That push-pull between a yearning for intimacy and a fear or rejection is factory installed. So the good news is, this isn’t a series of stupid choices you made. You didn’t just fuck up. The bad news: You can’t go back and unfuck it.

 The basic Attachment Styles are: 

Secure Attachment: The good one. Fewer than half the population (as few as 15%, according to some researchers) can boast of this. You need to have had consistent and reliable parents, preferably in a strong partnership. I haven’t met many of those parents, personally, but then you have to consider the circles I move in. Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and trust their partners. They can express emotions openly, manage conflict healthily, and value both independence and connection.

If your parents were absent, or drunk, or mentally ill, or untrustworthy in other colorful ways, you end up with insecure attachment. There are three basic insecure attachment styles:

Anxious Attachment: Sometimes called “fearful” or “ambivalent” attachment. These are people who crave closeness but fear rejection. They might be clingy and seek constant reassurance, constantly on the lookout for signs of a partner’s disapproval. This is the “never leave me” partner, even in abusive situations.

Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant attachment prioritize independence and downplay the importance of intimacy. They fear commitment, may be uncomfortable expressing strong emotions, and can push partners away to avoid feeling vulnerable. This is your basic player.

Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant): This attachment style usually stems from childhood trauma. Individuals with disorganized attachment desperately desire connection yet desperately fear it. They struggle with trust and can behave erratically in relationship. “Come here go away” is their motto. 

So which one am I, you ask? Nosy parker. But I was curious, too, so I took a test. (I liked this one, but there are tons online.) Turns out, I am… sort of all of them. Light on the Secure, naturally, mostly Avoidant, but with a healthy dollop of batshit Disorganized. 

Here, look:

Disorganized attachment folks say stuff like “Relationships are confusing.” “People let you down.” “My partner is unpredictable.” “My partner says I’m unpredictable.” “Sometimes, I mentally check out because it’s all too much.” “I want to be close, but I’m afraid of getting hurt.” “Getting hurt is inevitable.” We don’t make a lot of eye contact. I can relate.

Avoidant attachment people might say, “I don’t see the point of talking about my feelings. Feelings are overrated.” “I don’t like to depend on people or ask for help. I’d rather do things myself.” “I can seem standoffish or like I don’t really care.””I need time to myself.” “I’m fine on my own.” I can relate to this, too.

Anxious attachers would say (albeit probably not out loud) “I want to be with you or in contact with you all the time.” “I’m terrified that you’ll leave me.” “I need constant reassurance of your love and commitment.” “My insecurity makes me jealous.” “Is there something wrong with me that makes you pull away?” This I don’t relate to as much, although I have stayed with a few men it would have been healthier to leave. 

Which of these, then, is the love addict? In my experience, it can be any of them, except maybe for secure. We are anxious attachment squared. Avoidant attachment on steroids. Disorganized attachment on crack. Sometimes literally with the crack…. We love addicts can get addicted to whatever kind of attachment we are in at the moment, because first and foremost we are addicts. And addiction is the result of a more complex soup of causes than just your parental units. 

As you know, I subscribe to the three-alarm fire theory of addiction: To make a decent fire, you need to have something to burn, a match to light the flame, and oxygen to keep it going. Adverse childhood experience (ACE) — like inconsistent and unreliable parenting — might be the match that lights the firewood. But you have to have dry kindling to start with, and that’s the brain chemistry you were born with: Inefficient reward transmitters, lousy dopamine receptors, all the stuff I’ve been writing about lo, these many years. 

And of course you have to have an environment that keeps the fire raging. Nightclubs and dating apps are great for that. Harems and convents, not so much. Absent any of these elements and your attachment style is just… your style, like Business Casual or Vintage Bohemian.

Me, I like cargo pants and combat boots and lean Fearful/Avoidant. Neither makes me an addict. Attachment styles I can learn to change. Addiction I get to recover from. Cargo pants and combat boots… those are just fatal.

[wisteria-lodge]

burnt lion primary (modeling bird with badger system) + lion secondary (heavy badger model) (fun bird model)

Attempting to write this on my phone as my laptop charger is broken and the replacement doesn’t arrive until tomorrow. I could just wait but I’m impatient and ADHD and I want to do this now. Anyways, I’ve been thinking of myself as a bird primary / snake model for a bit, but today I realized I might be badger, with a wide definition of “group,” and possibly a bird model? I’m sort of lost on secondary, though.

With this opening, I’m kind of thinking an In-the-Moment secondary rather than a Prep-work secondary.

Today I bought a homeless woman some food and sat down with her and gave her my number when she asked. My partner pointed out to me that this was incredibly unsafe. I blocked her but I feel so horribly guilty about it as I told her I’d go see her again in 2 days. Everyone is telling me that I need to prioritize my own safety, and I suppose logically I know that, but it doesn’t stop me from crying. I think I might live with this guilt for the rest of my life- and when I had that thought, it hit me that I could be a badger.

Hmm. There’s a lot to unpack here. I mean breaking a promise just feels shitty on a human level, and my instinct tells me there’s probably some third option - take someone with you when you go maybe. But it’s also totally possible there’s not. That’s not what I’m speculating on here.

In terms of this system, you helped someone out in what sounds like a totally unplanned, spur-of-the-moment kind of thing (which makes me think lion or snake, and I’m leaning lion because the honest directness of handing out your phone number.)

Then, your partner and “everyone” tells you that you went too far, and you go along with them, but feel really REALLY guilty. This tells me that either a) you’re not a Badger primary, and are in all likelihood probably a Lion, or b) you are a (universal) Badger primary in a community that defines “person” more narrowly than you do.

I thought I was able to adapt to new morals based on logic and incorporate them into my system, but it’s always based on what is just and fair for the group- other people.

Could still be Badger, or a Badger-flavored Paragon Lion.

I have a very hard time being able to do things for myself, even basic hygiene, which I know is just a mental illness thing and not necessarily a placement. But the relevant bit here is that it becomes ridiculously easy in comparison when I’m doing it for other people

You’re starting to sound like an Exploded Badger primary, who exists to help the group, and has a very hard time seeing themselves as valuable and worthwhile outside of the context of the group.

including (and tbh mostly) animals, who are ABSOLUTELY people. And I realized that it’s similar to how I feel towards the disenfranchised. Even that feels icky to say, I feel like I’m equating the homeless to animals??

It’s fine to say that animals and disenfranchised people are both groups that you feel strongly about. You keep coming back to doubting your instincts in an anxious way that makes me think semi-Burned Lion, rather than Bird. And even the slightly disconnected causes are pointing me in a Lion direction.

And that goes against my morals, the underprivileged are humans who deserve to be treated as such and often aren’t because rich people are fucking assholes. I feel very, very strongly about helping those in need

Yeah, I can really, really see that. In a way that truly makes me wonder why Lion was the one primary you didn’t consider for yourself.

and those who depend on me.

It’s possibly you might have some loyalist primary model going on. But I don’t think you’re a loyalist.

I am too naive and trusting when it comes to this particular subject, and cynical in almost everything else. This is also why I am strongly against the idea of personally having children. I do not trust myself to do it correctly.

“I do not trust myself” “I am too naive” “I am too cynical” “that feels icky” “I’ve been told logically that I’m wrong but I’m still crying.”

I don’t know what to tell you. You have strong feelings, a lot of them, but do not trust them (are told you can’t tust them.) You’re a Burnt Lion. You’ve probably latched to someone (probably your group or specifically your partner) as an external morality, which is a total Burnt Lion thing. This - ow, it hurts to read. These things you think about yourself, I see no evidence at all that they’re true.

If i am a badger primary, the 1% do not fit into my definition of “people,” though I know logically they are.

Again “logically” makes an appearance. “Logically I should feel this… but I don’t.”

I do not wish violence against anyone as I feel it is morally wrong, but I also wouldn’t be upset of any of them croaked.

This is much more a lion’s “I don’ t feel anything about them” and less a Badger’s “they’re monsters.” The word you used was “assholes” and that’s honestly very humanizing.

I feel like my sense of logic and emotion are at odds sometimes. I often think that things I feel are “wrong” or “unfair” or “unjustified”

burnt, burnt, burnt, burnt

even though years of therapy have told me that’s not true.

Oh good. I’m glad you’ve got somebody to talk to. Good for you.

I feel like my bird and badger tendencies are so wrapped up in each other it gets hard to differentiate.

You’re a Burnt Lion (who often look like stressed out Birds) in a very Badger (probably Exploded Badger) community.

But, more relevant, I often feel like my negative emotions towards other people are unfair and horrible and wrong.

You’re allowed to have negative emotions! They keep you safe! This is true for everyone, but especially true for a Lion primary.

At my core I value others more than myself. It has been a challenge to work through this, and the only motivation I have is that other people get upset when I constantly talk about how guilty I feel for having emotions.

Somebody did a number on you. At this point you couldn’t be more textbook Burnt Lion if you *tried.*

This leads me into possibly a bit of snakiness?

I have no idea where you’re getting Snake. I mean, Snake would be good for you. A Snake model would help you immensely.

“Exploded snake” greatly resonates with me, but this is due to my trauma and BPD. I often have A Person that all of this “I cannot do things for myself but I will do everything for other people” is very concentrated towards. But again this is a mental illness thing so I see it as more of an unhealthy unintended model, not sure though.

My friend, what you have is a coping mechanism. You pour yourself into someone else so you’re not able to worry about yourself, and you have control over (and feel good about) this aspect of your life, at least.

It’s not Exploded Snake. Exploded Snakes, even at their most extreme, might become co-dependent, but they don’t lose themselves in people like this.

I also really resonate with bird in the way that I really value knowledge. The only real positive thing I can consistently muster up to say about myself is that I’m intelligent. I struggled a lot in school due to trauma and untreated ADHD and the works, but I’m aware that I am smart. It still feels sort of wrong to say that, like I’m being too conceited, but I’ve worked on accepting it as fact. I’m a nerd with a large vocabulary, lots of trivia, and some special interests I hoard information on like a bird. (Mainly cats and bugs. If you werr curious. You probably weren’t.

Look. I do these because I like people. I’m interested in people. I like seeing how different they are from each other, and I like seeing how they’re the same, and I like seeing how they tick. You don’t have to apologize, and you don’t have to be so very self-deprecating.

I appreciate the honestly though, and I appreciate that you are actively taking steps, and doing everything you need to do to get going. If I were to take a guess, it would be that at one point your secondary was a whole lot more burnt than it is now. It’s doing pretty good now. But there’s still some gunk and muscle memory left over from before. That’s how it’s reading to me anyway.

As for the system, definitely at least a fun bird model. That’s the neurodivergent classic.

If I’m wrong about something, it can be embarrassing but I feel I can recover and incorporate it into my system.

That’s honestly human stuff. (But you’re using Bird language to say it. I don’t think you’re a Bird though. I think you *like* birds.)

However this is only the case if it benefits other people / adds to my understanding in a way that makes me a better person towards others. This is why it can be so hard for me to accept that I am wrong about myself on certain things.

You’re perfectly confident in your ability to reason. It just… doesn’t totally make a difference when it really comes down to it, does it? Because what I’m reading about is a system not changing.

I feel that not punishing myself is a disservice to others.

That’s Dobby the House-Elf logic. I know I’m being harsh, but I’ve got pages and pages of old diary entries romanticizing guilt, calling it noble, calling it protective, glorifying making yourself the suffering central sacrifice. And I had to be banged over the head over and over and OVER again, before I realized that… I wasn’t that special. Which was an epiphany of terror, and relief.

I have been told over and over this is not healthy but I really cannot help it. I think I’ve made progress? But only because my partner broke up with me because of it and told me I had to get my shit in order before we got back together. So that core is still there, it’s still entirely externally motivated.

Look, external motivation is still motivation. I’ll take it.

The reason I thought I modeled snake was because I mask my autism and everything else very heavily, and attempt to assimilate very heavily.

Despite the (unfortunately) identical terminology, snake masking and autism masking are completely different things.

I don’t feel like it’s a bird secondary acting, as it feels so natural to me at this point. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation I’ll realize I’m completely mirroring the other participants, saying things I don’t actually believe, etcetera. It is really so natural, it happens almost every conversation.

Snakes do that sort of thing consciously. This sounds like Courtier Badger mirroring (and you do use the word mirroring, so I figure you’ve probably worked that out.)

At the same time though, I do not know what substance there is to mask- it feels empty, like I’m constantly searching for the bottom of an endless ocean. I know that is incredibly cheesy and, God Forbid, bateman-esque. I can assure you I do not kill people. 😋

I think you identify with Patrick Bateman because he is a person that is an externally defined surface. He doesn’t know what business card design he actually likes, it probably never even occurs to him that he should buy something because he likes it. He does things because they’re correct (even if he doesn’t know why they’re correct.) But clearly he does have all this feeling that has been sublimated beneath the surface, and because he’s in a movie it comes out in his murder-sprees.

If I were to sort Patrick Bateman, I would say that he’s an extremely Burnt Lion who is deep inside a very toxic Badger community. And a Lion secondary, with that ax and chainsaw and everything. OBVIOUSLY American Psycho is a hyper-exaggerated, stylized film… but no, I’m not surprised that you see a blown-up version of yourself in him.

I feel it is something I learned as a coping mechanism. But maybe it’s inherent to who I am now and I’m actually a snake secondary? No idea.

I actually don’t think your secondary is burnt. I think is more… drifting, because your primary isn’t pointing it at anything. And just the fact that you are drifting is making me say Lion secondary over Badger secondary (which is the other possibility. But you seem kind of uncomfortable using your Badger, even though it is effective.)

Just work on liking things. That’s your homework. Just little things. Low stakes things. Pick a new phone background. Smell some candles and pick the one you like best. Go to the movie theater alone, and get a ticket to the movie you want to see most.

Small self trivia that may be relevant? I love solving mysteries and puzzles and I avoid media spoilers like the plague. This is because if I have a tiny bit of information I will often overthink it so badly that I end up interpreting the whole damn plot and then the movie isn’t even enjoyable. Especially when people offhandedly mention something I’m not supposed to guess is important, but of course it’s important if they’re telling me about it ?!?! So I can extrapolate from there and ruin the whole thing for myself. I wish to god I could turn this off but I can’t. It’s not something I model, it’s something inherent to how my brain works and it’s ANNOYING.

I’m not allowed to watch Twilight Zone episodes with my family anymore, and they still haven’t forgiven me for guessing the ending of Planet of the Apes ten minutes in. I think this kind of stuff just comes with having a foundation in media analysis and a puzzle-brain.

But at least I have fun when I’m not totally spoiled. Related: if I had to pick any superpower at all, it would be omniscience. I want to understand every universal truth there is. I want to know everything.

Oh come on, you can’t pick “I want to be god,” as your answer to the super power game. At least say that you want to achieve enlightenment or something.

But astrophysics and all that jazz is way too hard.

I have zero doubt that if you were interested in astrophysics, you could get a pretty damn good working knowledge of astrophysics.

On a smaller scale sometimes I fantasize about doing the long con on the US government and becoming a dutiful public worker just to get into the inner circles and get access to all the secrets`. 😂 But morally speaking I could NEVER do what needs to be done to get you there.

I’m going to say that this is a very Lion Badger fantasy in the specifics. Slide under the radar for years and years, get people to trust you… and then when you have the dirt on everyone, BOOM - Lion primary activates. But *overall* - it’s a revolutionary fantasy, and that’s Double Lion.

I’m trying to come up with more information for a possible secondary but I really am coming up blank. I hope there’s some key information up there that’s a secondary placement hiding in wait. Sorry for the long post. I hope you at least have fun with it! I love snappy personality systems like this, it was at least fun to write.

PS - After reading some more I am thinking snake might be less of a model and more of a secondary I simply took some time to grow into and use effectively. I have always struggled with feeling like a bad person for sometimes prioritizing groups over others- I got myself into a lot of middle school drama for trying to climb the social ladder and ditching some good friends in the process. Which, you know, hilarious in retrospect because it was middleschool, not corporate.

Awww. Baby glory hound lion.

I was a compulsive liar when I was younger, trying to get people to like me and to be a part of the group. I used to be convinced I was a master manipulator when I was really just an autistic kid trying to survive and not be othered (which was worse than death at the time.) I still struggle with this, seeing people as social ladder points.

Hmm. You know, this definitely DOES sound like a Badger secondary model.

I don’t know if my mask ever comes off around other people, but after moving out from my (mildly emotionally abusive) parents and living with my aunt I can see myself becoming more blunt and less pandering.

GOOD. That seems like it was 100% the right move for you. And part of that bluntness is you getting to be more comfortable not masking… but you know. I haven’t seen you use it really, but I do suspect you may have some Lion secondary under there.