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autisticlee · 10 months

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i've noticed that there's always a lot of discourse about trying on labels like for sexuality and gender for example. people saying if you dont know, don't claim am identity. people complaining about people using labels lying and being fakes. complaining when someone changes their lable/identity.

you even see it in conservatives who whine and cry about gender and sexuality saying stuff like "you can't know that yet/you're too young/what if it changes/you can't just decide now and change later" and seeing queer people say the same things can be super discouraging and alienating.

because the thing is, humans do change. It's a natural phenomenon we can't do anything about. it's perfectly ok to feel one way now and then realize you feel differently later on. it can be because life experiences changed who you, or you realize/discover something, or etc.

also, how will someone know who/what they are without trying things out to see what fits? to see what feels right? not everyone just KNOWS who they are or what they want or how they feel automatically. telling people they can't experiment to see what works does nothing but alienate them and make them feel even more lost and alone.

i know it's a bit more of a touchy and difficult subject and im debating adding it in, but I see a similar discourse for example in the autistic community where people try to gatekeep the identity for only "officially diagnosed" people. (I was trying to think of something else that's not only gender/sexuality because my whole point should apply to more than just queer identities but this is all I could think of atm) i've seen it in other communities as well (mental or physical illnesses and disabilities and stuff for example) you have to relate to an identity basically, in order to bring it to a doctor. usually a doctor won't just say "oh you have this!" on their own; you have to tell the doctor "I think I have this" and sometimes it takes you years of research to figure out things yourself (because we all know doctors can be useless at times) by that point, if someone is putting that much time into a thing, there less chance of them faking it. if they think they have a disorder like DID but don't, then they still need help. but there shouldn't be so much aggression towards people who get evaluated or reevaluated and realize they were wrong. it's actually ok to be wrong and correct yourself later, contrary to popular belief. 1 or 19 or even 100 people being wrong doesn't mean we should let that reflect on *everyone* and let people with ill intent call everyone a "faker"

even if it turns out you were wrong, there's no real harm in trying on things until you reach a final conclusion. it's other people's opnions and reactions to it that are the harmful part.

[imagine if you had to guess what clothes and shoes would fit you, look good on you, and feel good without trying them on, you have to decide on one only, and then you have to keep wearing only those clothes and shoes after that and can never change out of them. that's so silly, right?]

sometimes you have to make guesses about your identity first and get confirmation later. sometimes you guess that you are a cishet man and date a cishet woman and realize a few years into the relationship that you are actually a trans lesbian. It's perfectly fine and normal to change after some time! we all need to not gatekeep and instead support each other. accept each other either way.

if someone feels they are trans for years and transitions and then realizes they are actually nonbinary and maybe slides into a more androgynous state or even stops transition or detransitions, don't call them fake! if someone is aroace and then starts dating, realizing they felt that way due to trauma in the past but were able to heal from it, don't call then a fraud! if a lesbian falls in love with a man and realizes she's actually bi, don't say she lied or tricked you!

yes, I know that there's often stigmas and stereotypes about changing. the whole "it's just a phase" thing for example. or accusing people of "following a trend." and the whole fact that the phobes always try to force their harmful belief that these identities are a "choice" and "choosing" them is wrong. change can mimic "a choice," but change does not always equal choice! someone changing does NOT always mean they are choosing something different. many times in life change isn't a choice!!! the fact that reflects poorly on the lables/communities by those who already have a bias against them is what needs change.

but that's the thing. that's precisely what i'm saying. we need to break down those stigmas around change. so what if it's a "phase" ???? why can't someone have an experience for a short time and then change it later due to whatever reason or circumstances? why can't someone try something out and then realize it's not right later on? why do we have to decide on a label or identity for life while still trying to figure out who we are? why is someone naturally changing or realizing something about themselves considered lying and fake? why do we let other people's bad opinions create stigmas and stereotypes around everything and then let that dictate everything we do? instead of gatekeeping and hurting potential new community members, why can't we break down those stereotypes and stigmas instead? instead of shaming people who try out your lables, why not shame and demonize the people that throw stereotypes and stigmas at you just because someone else is trying to figure out who they are still????? why let haters dictate how you treat others?

choose the right battles. fight the right people.

#lee rambles #lgbt #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer #what do i tag this as???? too many words. brain tired from words and cant think of tags now #maybe those few will be fine for now #i hope this ramble made sense. it was hard to put into words. so not sure if it came across correctly or not #took forever to write. dont feel like proofreading. apologies for any typos or mistakes

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kakusu-shipping · 11 months

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Heartbeat

Mountain's Peak (Part 1) - Nepal Sanctum (Part 2) - Talk it out (Part 3) - The Fight (Part 4)

Here's hoping this is the last bit of Delinquent Zenyatta we'll be seeing for a while!! Thank you for reading!!

In which the heart is moved

Zenyatta had never understood the term "his heart sank". The human heart is a very vital organ that rhythmically pumps oxygen rich blood throughout the human body. It does not "sink", any movement from it's cadge in the chest would be catastrophic for the human in question.

He'd never understood.

A minor concussion, major whiplash, two broken ribs, three more cracked, a dislocated shoulder, a minor wrist fracture, a twisted ankle, and mild frost bite.

That was Emile's diagnosis.

Zenyatta stared passed Mondatta into the human's room, warmth rushing out from the lit fireplace. Emile lay unconscious on a makeshift bed he'd been using now for 3 months, just a pile of hay for a mattress and spare robes for blankets on the stone flooring of Mondatta's home.

"Zenyatta." Master Mondatta's voice brought Zen back from his thoughts. He stared up at his brother who stood before him and the resting human.

"Is-"

"He will be alright." Mondatta assured, "Sister Reya has tended to him the best she can, now he must rest."

Zenyatta gave another glance to the human, Emile, small as he was, bruised black and blue. He looked like a corpse. The grip Zenyatta had on Emile's broken glasses tightened.

"Emile tells me the two of you were sparring," Zenyatta flinched, and prepared for the worse. Exile, he assumed, forced out the monastery and onto the human filled streets of the outside world. He would need to sneak away in the dead of night, or Ramattra would surely follow him. "when he slipped and fell down the stairs."

That.. confused Zenyatta. That was not what had happened at all, had it? They had sparred, Zenyatta had laid his hand upon Emile until he could stand no longer.. correct...? Why would the human... lie..?

"Is this true, Brother Zenyatta?" Mondatta asked genuinely. He believed the human's words, or at least was willing to believe them if this was the truth he was willing to bare with.

Zenyatta hesitated, the glasses in his hand made a faint crunch as what little remained of the lenses fell out.

"...no.. Master Mondatta... That is.. Not what happened.."

"I see," Mondatta cupped Zenyatta's shaking hands in his own, leaning down ever so slightly to be on level with his shorter brother, "Perhaps you can tell me the truth of the events over tea?"

It was warm.. so warm... A soft chime played in the left corner, soft and mournful, a lullaby for someone no longer here..

Emile's eyes cracked open to see the now familiar blurry ceiling of his bedroom in Master Mondatta's home, the soft crackle of the fire by his feet much louder than is usually once when he'd first wake up.

Emile turned to reach for his glasses, which he'd always rested on his left side. His entire body ached at the motion, which turned out to be fruitless as his hand came to find nothing.

"Looking for these?" A voice asked, a metallic hand out stretched and slid Emile's glasses onto his face, "You have impeccable timing as always, human, I just finished repairing them."

"Zenyatta...?" Emile's eyes widened behind his cracked glasses, the Omnic in question sat in a meditative position in the opposite corner of the small room. He couldn't believe his eyes at first, assuming it some sort of dream that the monk who'd hated him most of all would pay him a visit during recovery.

Zenyatta wordlessly assisted Emile as he raised himself off the ground, leaning him against the back wall of the room, as the human racked over possible reasons Zenyatta would have to visit him.

Emile's eyes filled with tears as he came to his conclusion. He'd lost. He challenged Zenyatta and lost and had to fulfill what he'd promised to do. He had to leave.

Tears flowed down the human's face, which wasn't unusual for this particular human, but was still rather startling, "Wh-why are you crying? Are you in pain?"

Zenyatta started to get up to go get Master Mondatta when Emile responded, "I-I'm sorry- I-I said I'd leave when I lost bu-but- I-I can barely sit u-up right now-" He hiccuped and rubbed at his eyes with his one good arm, "I-I'll leave, li-like I said, as soon as I can sta-and I promise,"

Zenyatta suddenly understood the term "his heart sank"

Zenyatta grabbed the human's cheeks, they were so hot, wet with heavy tears, soft and round and so very human.

"You won."

"I- h-huh..?"

"I... Forfeited. Just before you passed out. I lost. You won." His thumb ran gently against the under side of the human's eye, brushing away another tear before it fell, "so.. no more tears.. you may stay.."

Emile breath hitched, his entire body was shaking, the news hadn't sunk in yet. He reached to put his hand on Zenyatta's, only to flinch in hesitation just as his skin brushed Zenyatta's arm. "I-I- I'm sorry-"

"It is alright." Zenyatta kept his hands firm, pushing the human's cheeks together slightly with his force, "You will not hurt me..."

Emile gripped onto Zenyatta and sobbed into his chest. More tears, wet and salty and thick drained from the human's eyes. He was so warm. Had humans always been this warm? Zenyatta wrapped his arms around Emile and held him securely to himself.

"Did you know," Emile spoke as he wove red thread together on his lap, "You make a little chime tune when you meditate?"

Zenyatta looked up from his own work, a basket, and tilted his head, "A tune? Surely I would hear it if I did."

"That's what I thought too!" Emile shifted to turn to face Zenyatta, letting his legs hang over the edge of his bed, "But I caught Master Mondatta doing it the other day and asked him about it, and he had no clue what I was talking about!"

"So.. What, we make music only humans can hear while we meditate? That seems unlikely. Perhaps there is something loose in your head Reya did not pick up on the first time."

Zenyatta stood from his seated position on the floor and cupped Emile's face, rattling his head gently to emphasis his point.

Emile laughed, placing his hands over Zenyatta's, his left wrist still tightly bandaged from their spar three weeks ago. He'd been recovering well, both of them had.

"I'm serious! When we all get together for Meditation in the evening it's like a symphony! I can't believe you don't notice."

"Perhaps because I am busy meditating," Zenyatta pinched and pulled at Emile's cheek, "unlike some little human I know~"

"Oooow!! I meditate!!" Emile pushed at Zenyatta's head in a weak attempt of prying the Omnic off him. Instead Zenyatta doubled down and pinched the other cheek, pulling them both.

"Ah yes now I know the 'Chime' you are talking about, you do it too. It's called snoring."

"Aaaaaaaugh Uncle!! Uncle I tap!! I give!!!" Emile flailed until Zenyatta finally released him with a chuckle.

His laugh made Emile's heart soar and a flush rise to his cheeks, which were already red from Zenyatta's previous assault.

"Brother Zenyatta." Mondatta's voice came with a light knock to Emile's door frame, "You are playing nice with Brother Emile, yes? He is still in recovery you know."

Zenyatta flinched and spun to face Mondatta, plopping himself on the bed next to Emile before wrapping his arm around him, "Yes yes! Gentle as ever, Master!" He waved his hands as a show of innocence.

Mondatta gave a glance over the scene, before picking up Zenyatta's discarded half finished wicker basket with a soft hum. "Good then, though I hope all this playing is not getting in the way of your chores." He extended the basket to Zenyatta, who too it sheepishly.

"My apologizes, Master Mondatta.." Zenyatta held back from pinching Emile's squishy cheeks once more upon hearing the human giggle at his scolding.

Mondatta found himself admiring the quickly closing gap between his siblings. How fast they'd gone from hatred glances to sitting hip to hip. He still wasn't sure how they'd come to this, but he was happy non the less.

With a hum Mondatta motioned for the two to come stand, "Well then, if you two are ready, Ramattra is already outside awaiting us to head to evening meditation."

Zenyatta stood quickly and started to pull Emile up with him, but the human waved him off, "Go on ahead of me, I'll catch up."

Despite the quick relations Emile had formed with Zenyatta, he could tell Ramattra was still holding a distance, one he attempted to cover with a high voice and faked laughs. As much as he enjoyed Zenyatta's company, he wanted to give the monk time with Ramattra as well.

"Are you certain?" Zenyatta asked, "It's no trouble."

"I know. I'm fine, go on."

Zenyatta hesitated for a moment longer, then nodded and quickly was out of the room.

Mondatta watched his brother go before offering his arm to Emile, which the human took and pulled himself from the bed on wobbly legs. His ankle was still wrapped and stung when he'd put his weight on to it, and his chest still ached when he breathed too deeply, making meditation rather exhausting, and his wrist still occasionally seized in pain. All part of the healing process.

Still, Mondatta noticed the way his student would flinch upon stepping, or when he'd grab something with his left hand without thinking. He hated to see his siblings in pain...

Emile smiled up at Mondatta, "Shall we get going? Wouldn't want to be late."

Mondatta looked over his student once more, cheeks flushed red, glasses broken, old bruises littering his exposed skin turning green and yellow, wrapped in patchy bandaging. He wondered to himself if it was right to allow him to stay..

And then he remembered the laughing he'd heard from down the hall, a mix of human and omnic, joyfully playing together with nary a care in the world

Mondatta pulled Emile's robe up snugger on his shoulder, adjusting his clothes for a moment to be sure they kept him warm. He belonged here, same as all of Mondatta's other siblings, because he too was in tune with the iris.

"...Perhaps you should put on a few more layers first"

#Emile's Writing #AUGH THIS IS CHOPPY THIS IS CHOPPY!!!!#It my own fault I wrote this one in parts inbetween running around all day #My phone stopped working!!! And I can't get it seen by someone until MONDAY #And if they can't fix it I'll have to get a new phone aaaaaaugh.....#No more cellular device for me I'm getting a tablet next...#IPads can make calls and texts and still have the button so just give me one of those #I carry a big ass bag with me everywhere anyway it'll be fine #Sorry off topic #Next we start working on softening Ramattra who has SEVERAL walls up for probably Very Good Reason #But now that Zen's on my side it shouldn't be too hard #I also wanna clean up a few Dragon and Fox B-Sides at some point though they're a lotta nothing #As most of my writing usually is #This series is the exempt from that stuff happens in these fics #Just... Very... sparatically #Thankyou for reading as always #I dunno when the next one will be because I'm drawing a bit of a blank atm #I'm gonna sit on Ramattra thoughts and come back at some point tho #Maybe write some X Readers in the midterm.. We'll see!

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