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drews-diary · 4 years

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My new laptop got delivered yesterday. So, in order to get myself used to the new keyboard that is much wider than the one I was using I have decided to tell a very detailed story on here about a few very small events.

This is going to be a recollection of my past encounters with 5sos. And I do not recommend that anybody reads it because it is going to be incredibly detailed so that I am able to look back on those days.

The first time I ever met 5sos was back in 2017 when they played at the Pentaport Rock Festival that was held in Songdo. They played a 50 minute set that started at six on the last day of the festival which was August 13th and it was a Sunday. 5sos landed in Korea on Friday though, and I went to see them at the airport.

I was really really so fucking nervous to see them for the first time and I wasn’t even completely sure if I had the right flight info so things were kinda crazy. I remember that day bcuz my friends and I went to the movie theater to watch the 2017 version of Beauty and the Beast and we also took pictures in the mall’s photo booth that day. We were originally going to have dinner together too but I saw that luke had posted a story of him in what looked like an airplane so i apologized to my friends and I headed home so that I could make my way to the airport. I used the LAX and Incheon airport website to figure out what flight they were on and then started to get ready.I hadn’t written my letters in advance even though I had already bought their gifts so I wrote down a few lines for each member with shaking hands. I also wrote a longer letter that was addressed to the band as a whole where I wrote down a bunch of things that I really liked to do in Seoul should they get the chance. I don’t remember the specifics of what I wrote though, I wish I took pictures of what I said to them. I remember the flight was supposed to arrive around 9:40 pm that night so I left my house at around 7:30 pm. That was probably one of my first times ever skipping a meal because I did not have dinner that day. For their gifts I got Luke a set of temporary tattoos bc he didnt have any at the time and I thought it would be funny. I got Michael a mask that said 접근금지 which is basically do not approach bc I knew he was antisocial like me and maybe he could make use of it. I got Ashton a bandanna, which I knew he hadn’t worn since 2014 but in the summer of 2017 bandannas were a really big fad in South Korean fashion and I thought it was a really funny coincidence. And finally for Calum I got matching towels for him and Duke. I remember when they stepped out into the airport I couldn’t breathe. Like, I was quite literally shaking and I couldn’t even scream. I love all four of them but I knew who’s lane I was in so I made a beeline for Calum. I tried to wait patiently but honestly I was about to start hyperventilating and people were pushing me so I just made my way up to him and asked him to sign my iPod touch which was what I carried around with me at the time because I wasnt allowed to have a smartphone until I graduated high school. Honestly I wasn’t even able to say anything because I was so nervous I just handed him the iPod and the pen and he knew what to do. Either way he signed it for me and my hands were shaking the entire time I couldn’t believe it. It is still one of my most prized posessions. I handed him my gifts that I had put into this blue ryan (the lion) shopping bag and went “this is for you” honestly i was shaking so hard and looking back I am impressed that I was even able to get out those words. He looked at the gifts and then back at me and went

“For me? Aww, thank you”

let me tell you I nearly fucking died. He said aww to me. CALUM HOOD. SAID AWW. TO ME. fuck. And then I forgot how to talk and somebody else butted in and pushed me out of the way so I didnt get to ask him for a picture. Once I regained my senses I somehow made my way back and got a selfie with him. I later put that photo into my portion of my school’s yearbook when I graduated so that everybody in our school was forced to have a copy. While we were taking the photo my right should slightly touched him and let me tell you that felt really weird. Not to be pervy, it was just something that happened. But then they had to leave and I followed them out to their van and waved until the van was out of sight. I took the subway home that day just like how I got to the airport. I was shaking during both rides out of either anticipation or disbelieve, the difference is that on the way home I cried a little bit.

Two days later was the day of the festival. I am going to try to keep the other details shorter but I left really earlier. I was alone that day bc I decided I would rather not show others what I looked like during their performance. I left my house and I got to the festival grounds around nine, they started letting people in at ten. I immediately ran to the main stage where they would be performing later and six so that I could wait while holding onto the fence (of course I positioned myself so that I was right in front of where Calum would be standing). We had to wait in line again because we weren’t allowed in until twelve. That day I was wearing my waste the night shirt which is still one of my favorite pieces of merch with a pair of pink shorts. I starved the entire day that day and I also made sure not to drink anything so that I wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom. I instead took 에이스 which is a type of really high calorie cracker so that I wouldn’t pass out. I also took 박카스 (a small version of energy drink) so that I could take one right before the performance to enjoy the show to the full extent. Around one o’clock bands started to play and I cheered them on with the rest of the crowd because honestly they weren’t bad and I do enjoy music festivals as a whole. But I made sure not to jump around to save up my energy. After a few bands had played, I would say around 3ish maybe the staff were getting the stage ready for the next performers and I was sitting with my back against the fence when somebody tapped my shoulder.

When I turned around there was this lady and her friend who looked to be in their early twenties (I was seventeen at the time) and she asked me if I liked 5sos, I bet she could tell from my shirt. I told her I loved them and she said she thinks that some guy who was watching the stage from afar was Ashton, as in the drummer and that I should go and say hi. Honestly, this is one of the things that I regret most in my life, I was so surprised I forgot to thank her. I just said “really?” and then grabbed my selfie stick with my ipod attached and I ran off. Thinking back that was so rude of me this woman literally went out of her way to help me and I just ran on her. Ugh, I still think about this sometimes.

Anyways so there I was running and he was looking at the crowd waiting in front of the stage. I would say he was at about a 4? 5ish o’clock angle from the stage. When I approached him I saw that it really was Ashton and he had a body guard next to him, it wasn’t dave. The guard seemed to get wary as I approached but Ashton stepped up first and said hello to me. I am literally about to cry just remembering. I was so fucking nervous. He was wearing the white and black checkered shirt he wore on stage that day. He didn’t have his sunglasses on. Back to what happened, shit i’m shaking rn just remembering fuck. He smiled and said hello to me in a really friendly, approachable way. I was timid as fuck and so nervous so I whispered hi back. He laughed and said hi again and myself being the dumbass I am I said hi again too. This back and forth exchange of hi’s happened about four or five times, each time with ashton smiling bigger than the last and me getting closer and closer to tears just because I was so overwhelmed. Finally he busted out laughing and said “you are so adorable”

ashton. ashton irwin. ashton called me adorable. fuck. I think it was around this point that I forgot how to breathe. I spat out how much I love the band and their music. I was totally blubbering and making a mess out of myself. I was approaching tears at that moment but they hadn’t fallen yet and it was at this point that as he was thanking me and called me adorable a second time (!!) (he said something like “you are too adorable” ohmyfuckinggod), ashton went in for a hug. Whether it would have been a side hug or a full hug I will never know because I was too nervous and overwhelmed to notice. I only realized that he was going to hug me after we had parted ways. I still kick myself to this day. I should have let him hug me fuck. either way he opened up his right arm for me to step in but I didn’t move BECAUSE I DIDNT NOTICE. COME ON BITCH UGH FUCK. either way he just smiled, laughed and thanked me. I honestly wasn’t in my right mind. I told him that I went to see them at the airport but I knew he wouldn’t remember me so I just kept talking. The next thing I said to him was so fucking... ugh. I literally went “Michael is soo hot. Like, I knew he was hot but when I saw him at the airport I was so surprised because he was so much hotter than I thought he was going to be” fuck.

This is true. Personally I find all four of the boys really attractive but it’s true that people in the fandom even back then would call michael the ugly one. The reason I felt strong enough about this to say to Ashton was because when I went to the airport and saw them all in person for the first time, the other three pretty much looked exactly how I thought they would. They looked the same as when I saw them through the screen. But Michael, honestly he looked so much better in person. I dont know how to say it, but he was just one of those people who the camera never did justice. Everybody else was amazingly hot, just like they are on screen, but Michael honestly looked so much better in person. To be fair, I was shocked, and I felt really bad for him because he gets so much hate online for being “ugly” when that was far from the case.

Back to when I met Ashton. I hadn’t expected this meeting to happen, you know, so I had no idea what to say and the comment about michael being hot literally just flew out of my mouth. I didn’t have time to think okay I was totally put on the spot and I was just, I’m just surprised I didn’t faint. Thankfully, he busted out laughing again, and I got to hear that fucking beautiful laugh. The security guard cracked a smile at that one too. I am honestly still so embarrassed about this ugh what did i do. Either way, Ashton laughed at what I said and then told me he would make sure to tell Michael. It was at this point that I figured I had overstayed my welcome. I hadn’t realized it at first because I was too excited about the opportunity to meet him but I felt like I was taking up too much of his time. He probably just wanted to get a look at the stage and here I was, a crazy fan barely breathing, probably red in the face telling him how much I love him and how hot I thought his band member is. Fuck, it’s still humiliating to this day. At least he probably won’t remember it. So i’m the only one left with the embarrassing memory. And here I am writing it all down so that I never forget.

I quickly asked him if he could tell Calum that I love him. He didn’t hear me at first and said “huh?” I repeated myself and he said he would. And I know that that was incredibly cringey of me but fuck it I said what I said. It was true and it is still true. Honestly, if I ran into Ashton in the streets tomorrow, I would still ask him to tell Calum that I love him because that is just how true that statement is. I then told him that I would be going. I remember mumbling something like “I don’t want to bother you” At this point I still couldn’t properly breathe. He said something along the lines of “oh no, you’re not bothering me” but I knew better and said “no, it’s okay.” And that’s how the interaction ended. I told him I hoped he had a good time in South Korea and I walked back to the stage where I had placed my bag to save my spot. I looked back a couple of times while I was walking and he waved, which I of course had to wave back to. Once I got to my spot I spent a few minutes trying to breathe. When I looked back to where he was he and the body guard were gone.

A few things about this interaction. First, something I feel absolutely horrible about is that I never told him that I love him. I know it probably doesn’t matter because he’s Ashton Irwin and I’m just a fan but still. I told him how much I love his band and their music and his bandmates, fuck I even asked him to pass along the message to Calum that I love him yet I didn’t tell him that he is also somebody that I love so, so, so fucking much. I still feel so horrible about this to this day I regret it so much. This is what happens when people who are not good at talking to others are suddenly put into a conversation, they forget everything that they want to say, everything that they mean and that they should say and instead just spit out bullshit like omg ur bandmate is so much better looking in person honestly what the fuck drew. that was honestly unintentionally so rude of me. I FORGOT TO TELL HIM THAT I LOVE HIM. I FORGOT TO TELL SOMEONE I LOVE WITH ABSOLUTELY MY ENTIRE HEART THAT I LOVE HIM!! honestly what is the matter with me.

The second thing i wanted to add in is the fact that I didn’t get a picture. When I ran towards him it was with my selfie stick and iPod in hand, but I made sure to keep it down in case he didn’t want to take pictures because while we were in a public setting this still wasn’t work time for him and I didn’t want to ask him to take a picture with me if he didn’t want to. And while he didn’t directly say no pictures he had to have noticed my selfie stick but he didn’t say anything that implied he was cool with taking pictures right now so I just didn’t ask. I thought it would be a long shot too but I still took it just in case. I told myself as I was walking up to him that unless he brought it up first I wouldn’t ask for a picture so I am completely fine with what happened. I still think I pretty much intruded on his private time so I didn’t want to force him to do anything.

I still feel really bad that I didn’t get to thank that amazing nice lady who let me know that Ashton was there. Fuck, I looked around for her afterwards and I think I caught a glimpse of her at some point in the crowd but when I got to where she was she was already gone. I wish I could say thank you even now. Honestly, I must have seemed so rude from her point of view. I just was so overwhelmed and I wasn’t thinking properly and I feel so bad to this day. I don’t remember what she was wearing and if I saw her walking along the street I probably couldn’t recognize her but I still am so sorry and sooo thankful.

The performance that day was the first time I saw 5sos live. Actually, it was the only time so far but I hope that changes soon and I get to see them again when this whole pandemic is over. It was absolutely amazing. I don’t even know how to put it into words. It was just everything I had ever hoped for and more. I took videos the entire time with the limited equipment that I had. I supplied videos that day to 5sos stan twitter update accounts. It was a good time. I think that performance, the 50-minute set was one of the happiest moments of my life. not joking.

This ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be. But that’s okay. I’m probably going to be the only one to ever read it anyways and the fact that it’s long means that it’s detailed right? It probably just means that I monologued a shit-ton. The purpose of this blog is for it to be my diary anyways so who cares.

But still, shit this ended up being pretty long. I guess I’ll have to write about my encounters with 5sos that happened in 2018 and 2019 some other time. Probably after finals, which I am procrastinating from studying for right now.

Also, I wrote the beginning of this sometime in January I think but it is currently June so yeah that sure says a lot about me I guess. Hopefully, I’ll write again soon bc i sure do have a lot of fucking shit to say.

This has been an entry about the two encounters that I had with 5 seconds of summer back in 2017. I know shit’s pretty bad these days and the fandom is basically on fire constantly but I still wanted to write down the good memories that I have. Hopefully I’ll come back soon to write about the times I saw them in 2018 and 2019. I hope I get to see them this year too, but that’s probably not going to happen. I’ll also come back and add details about these incidents when I remember them later on. I want this to be as detailed as possible so that I can come back and read this again and remember everything. I’m not sick, I just have a bad memory. Better come quick to record what happened the other times I met 5sos before I lose the memories.

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #calum hood #ashton irwin #diary

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lumosinlove · 6 years

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Solntse

part ii

Remus sits in Lily and James’ tiny living room and tries to ignore the subtly laid out pillow and blankets set on the corner of the couch. Lily doesn’t let him.

“Your apartment has flees.”

Remus sets his glass down, “That was one bug and it was a beetle.”

Lily twists her hair over one shoulder, unrelenting, “Remus. Please.” She nods towards the pillow, “Just—I’m worried. We’re worried.”

Remus looks away so he doesn’t have to see the way James nods, they way they’re both looking at him like he’s already a lost cause. He wishes for a moment he’d never told them what he does other than serve pizza and take the early shifts at the gas station around the block, but then he’d be all alone in it. And they were his best friends, that was why he had told them. Just in case one day all of James’ fears came true and some guy murdered Remus in a hotel room. Or something.

James sighs, “Mate, we’re not ganging up on you.”

“No, I know.” Remus nods down at his mug of tea, “I know. I just…I don’t want to be that friend you can’t get rid of. Like. That would be awful.”

“Re, you’re never going to become that.” Lily puts a warm hand on his shoulder, squeezing, “That’s not how we think about it at all. We just want to know your safe.”

James raises his mug to his mouth, “As safe as you can be…”

“James.” Lily snips, then her face turns soft again for Remus, “Will you stay here?”

“Lils, really, my apartment is fine.” He curls his feet further beneath him, “I’ll finish my tea and go. Don’t worry.”

He thinks back to his two night hotel escapade and shakes his head more firmly at Lily. He already feels enough like a charity case as it is. Even if he did get good money for it. Sirius had pushed an extra eighty dollars into his hand at the door and closed it before Remus could protest. He had pressed a chapped kiss to his cheek too. Remus was still mulling that over.

When he finally does make it out of the apartment he pulls his ratty coat tightly over his shoulders and ducks his head against the wind. He could probably buy a new one if Sirius called again. He did ask for two nights in a row, and it went great so, maybe. But he didn’t want to be flashy about any new money. His landlord had already raised his eyebrows when Remus had handed over two months rent in advanced.

His apartment wasn’t flea infested although it did give off that sort of look. He had a cheep futon bed frame, just to keep his mattress off the floor so it didn’t mold, and a dresser from IKEA. His kitchen consisted of a stove and a sink. The gas was usually pretty iffy and his sink ran mostly cold, like his shower, but…he had a roof and food. It’s fine. He has James and Lily if he was really, really in trouble but he doesn’t want it to come to that. He’ll never want it to come to that.

He throws his keys down on the dresser and goes to check the leak under the sink. It hasn’t gotten worse but he empties out what water is in the bucket just while he’s there. He re-tapes the crack in the window and makes a note to ask his landlord about that. Again. He’s just sitting down on his bed when his phone rings. He groans and closes his eyes when he pulls it out, hoping it isn’t one of his less polite customers. He sighs in relief when he sees the name.

“Frank, hi.” Frank almost never wants sex. He likes to talk. He’s lonely. Remus can relate. He’s the son of two wealth-soaked parents who don’t pay him a lick of attention. Remus can half relate. “How are you, mate?”

“Oh. Hi, Remus. Wasn’t sure I’d get you, um. I’m fine. I—um. Was wondering…” He trails off.

“Sure, when were you thinking? I’ve got something Tuesday and Sunday and you know when I work, so…”

“Actually, I was thinking now?” His voice is up an entire octave with nerves, “I just…Family problems right now. Was hoping to just talk a bit.”

Remus runs a hand over his face but tries not to pause too long. He doesn’t want Frank to think he doesn’t want to, “Sounds great! Should I meet you at the—“

“I couldn’t get the usual room. It’s 207 tonight. Same hotel though, the Pierre.”

Remus nods, tries to keep a smile in his voice, “Great. See you soon.”

He’s barely hung up when another name flashes up at him. He’s almost embarrassed by how fast he answers, “Sirius. Hi.” That didn’t come out anywhere close to how he wanted it to.

“Remus! Life is good?”

Remus laughs lightly, still caught off guard but warmed by Sirius’ simple honesty, “Uh, yeah, life is good. How are you?”

“Good. Busy. Always busy, you know? I’m at airport now, going to be in town on Wednesday. You want see together? Or, ah, not together.”

“Each other.” Remus supplies.

“Yes, perfect. You always know. What you think, Remus?”

Remus half wishes Sirius would stop saying his name like that and half wishes he’ll never stop saying his name like that, “Yeah, that works for me. What time were you thinking?”

“Seven? I get us dinner in room, so don’t eat. I’m, ah…” Sirius lets out a soft laugh and Remus presses the speaker closer to his ear, “I’m think about you a lot.”

Remus swallows over a suddenly dry throat, “Yeah?”

“Hm.” There’s a loud speaker in the background and Sirius says something low in Russian, “Flight calling me. Wednesday okay, yes?”

“Yes. Have a good flight.”

“You too. Or—“ They both laugh, “Okay, I’m go now. Bye, Remus.”

The line goes dead and Remus lets the phone fall to the bed. He breathes in deeply and looks down. He’s half hard in his pants now and he really doesn’t know why. He’s suppose to be on his way to Frank’s, he tips well, he honestly needs Remus a little bit and…fuck. He splashes some freezing water on his face from the sink and yanks his door shut as he leaves.

Frank’s is fine. The hotel room is nice and Remus ends up sucking him off—twice. He doesn’t get hard either time but Frank seems either completely fine with that or he doesn’t notice. What does get him going is the ping he gets on his phone while he’s walking home from the tube. It’s a picture. Of Sirius. A selfie. He’s grinning in front of a beautiful sunset outside a plane window. There’s no message except a few sideways parentheses that Remus takes as smiles. Looking at the grin triggers thinking about Sirius’ large, warm hands on his hips and back. That leads to thinking about the way Sirius had carefully pushed his fingers inside of Remus, then the hot slide of his cock to replace them, his weight covering Remus’ back—

By the time Remus is walking up the stairs to his apartment again he’s more or less waddling around his tented trousers. By the time he’s throwing his keys on his dresser all he can do is lean back against his door and shove his hand into his boxers. They’re already damp with pre-come so what’s the point anyway? He smears his thumb over his head and squeezes the base, letting out a breath. It’s not as good as Sirius and his fucking huge palms. Now that he’s got a hand wrapped around himself he can really feel the difference. He pushes his pants down around his knees so he can get two hands around himself instead, twisting around the head and keeping a tight grip around the shaft. It barely takes a dozen pulls before he’s shooting into his fist with a harsh sound, Sirius’ name almost on his lips. Almost. He makes the mistake of thinking about the way Sirius had trailed his fingertips over his sensitive cock after he’d made Remus come in his mouth, keeping the pleasurable nerves alight, and takes a cold shower so he doesn’t have to go again. The shower only makes him think about how, next time, maybe Sirius won’t come untouched. Maybe Remus will get to return the favor. He doesn’t even know how much of Sirius he could fit in his mouth but fuck if he doesn’t want to try. He groans and wraps a hand around himself again. He’s too sensitive but he doesn’t care. He works himself fast and hard until his cock is a flushed red and he comes weakly against the shower wall, panting into the cool spray.

He looks at his phone as he towels off his hair. It’s Saturday, and it’s going to be a long couple days.

There’s a different woman at the front desk this time and Remus is glad. Not that he thinks the other one would remember him but, still. He stares at the twelve on the door for a moment, trying to calm his heart rate, before he knocks.

The door doesn’t open immediately so he knocks again, feeling more awkward by the second.

This time there’s a muffled shout and a few seconds later the door is yanked open by Sirius—dripping wet and a towel hastily wrapped around his waist.

“Sorry!” He gasps, “Sorry, flight late, felt kind of like plane—plane all over me? Thought I be fast, sorry.”

“Okay.” Remus meant to say it’s okay but, well, Sirius’ towel is slipping sort of low.

“Come in, come in, I’m be ready in minute.”

Ready for what? Remus wants to ask.

He goes to sit on one of the couches and strokes his hands over a soft pillows while Sirius pads back to the shower, dropping his towel without closing the door. For a second, Remus debates on whether he can consider that as an invitation or not. He stands up twice and sits back down before the water shuts off and he sits again. Sirius emerges a second later, grabbing the towel from the floor to wrap around his waist and another for his hair. He rubs at his hair until the waves fluff around his ears and into his eyes. He smiles over at Remus somewhat guiltily.

“Sorry again. You want look at menu?” Sirius flips open a sleek looking suitcase and starts rifling through it, “Starving. Airplane food most bad, you know?”

Remus doesn’t but he’s not about to start that conversation. Instead he reaches for the leather-bound hotel book, “Where did you come from?”

“Sydney, ah…Hard for me to say.”

“Australia.”

Sirius laughs and pulls a loose fitting pair of sweatpants on—bare, “Yes, right.” A white long sleeve shirt follows and—to Remus’ surprised delight—a black snapback. It sits snugly on his damp hair, pushing the front part back out of his eyes while the rest wings out above his ears. Remus can see the shape of his ring necklace through his shirt. He swallows. Sirius looks good.

He pulls some warm looking socks on and Remus glances briefly at the hole in the heel on his own left foot. The couch bounces a little as Sirius settles next to him, leaning in close to look at the menu, “Good food? What you like?”

Remus tries to read the menu, he really does, but Sirius’ arm is thrown over the back of the couch and his fingertips are brushing over where he sweater gives way to skin. He holds the menu out to Sirius, “You decide. I’ll eat anything.”

Sirius gives him a teasingly disapproving look but takes the menu and reaches towards the side table for the phone. He orders too much. A steak, fries, a plate of brisket ravioli, a cheese board, a salad, calamari, and two slices of chocolate cake. Remus doesn’t know where they’re going to put it all, but he hopes maybe he can take some of it home.

“We do tea later,” Sirius reaches out and fans one of Remus’ curls between his fingers. “After.” He amends, “They say thirty minutes.” Then his fingers are lightly brushing Remus’ hip, just beneath his sweater, “We stay busy while wait. Is okay?”

“Yeah.” Remus breathes, because what Sirius doesn’t know is that he got off to the mere memories of what they did last time every night leading up to now. Sometimes twice. Of course it’s okay. He’s never had a job this fucking okay, and he’ll damn sure make the most of it until Sirius moves on. They always do. Remus usually feels more grateful when they do, but he has a feeling Sirius will be different.

Sirius flashes him a grin and tugs him right into his lap. His lips are warm and chapped against Remus’, but the rough texture is nice. Remus feels like it keeps him there, in Sirius’ arms. He runs his tongue across Sirius’ bottom lip just to feel it and is rewarded with a soft sound and a palm to the small of his back. Sirius, who seems to be able to take Remus aback in almost everything he does, is holding Remus close, chest to chest. Not by the hips, not by the shoulders. Remus has never had any problems with abuse and he’s lucky in that way but Sirius, Sirius isn’t holding him like he’s there for sex at all. He’s cradling Remus in his lap, hands running lazily up and down his back. He’s licking into his mouth like they have all the time in the world, like they’ve been kissing forever and they’ll do it tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Remus’ palms cup his jaw and he runs his fingers along the edge of the snapback.

“You want off?” Sirius’ voice sounds like he’s just woken up.

Remus shakes his head and his eyes slip closed as Sirius’ mouth moves to his jaw, “No.”

Sirius’ warm breath against his neck as he laughs softly almost feels better than the wet kisses he’s leaving there. Almost.

They stay like that until the knock on the door makes Remus blink his eyes open blearily, suddenly aware of how warm he is.

Sirius shifts him to the side gently, kneeling on the couch for one last peck, “I’m get food, relax here.”

Remus blinks at him, licks his kiss-swollen lips, and honestly just wants to ask Sirius why he is like this. He rests his head back on the couch and listens to Sirius’ bright voice chatting away to the bell boy who brought their food. He’s thanking him, telling him how good it all looks, and Remus thinks maybe he’s just this nice to everyone he meets. He isn’t sure what to do with that.

“Hey,” Sirius head pokes back through the door, cart trailing him, “Food.”

Remus isn’t going to say no to that.

The spread of food looks even bigger when laid out and Remus can’t help but laugh as Sirus sits down next to him again, “Sirius, this is…a lot.”

Sirius shrugs one shoulder, “We don’t finish, you take home.”

Remus isn’t going to say no to that, either. He has a brief moment of wondering whether ordering this much was purposeful on Sirius’ part, but pushes it aside. That’s ridiculous. Sirius doesn’t even know him, much less anything about his financial situation. Well. He might know a little given who they are to each other.

Remus spends most of the meal listening to Sirius try to explain some funny story that happened on his trip, and anticipating the occasional moments of being fed bits of steak and such by Sirius, who barely breaks in talking despite how it takes Remus’ breath for a moment.

“I spend lot of time in hotel, you know?” Sirius’ voice breaks into Remus’ thoughts, mid story. He wished he’d been listening fully to know how to respond.

“I, ah, lonely?”

Sirius shrugs, but shoves a large scoop of pasta in his mouth. Remus takes that as a yes.

“How did you…” Remus searches for the right word before trying, “find me?”

Sirius actually pinks a little at that, “Ah. Friend. You know him. Recommend. Say you very sweet.”

Remus nods and respects the anonymity even if he’s dying to know who, “Sweet, huh?”

Sirius smiles a little, “I’m think so, too.”

They move onto the cake and the hotel had sent up an two extra desserts, seemingly just because Sirius is Sirius.

“I’m stay here lot, they know me.”

“Probably because you order the entire menu anyway.” Remus jokes.

It makes Sirius’ entire face light up, spreading his hands, “Hey, why not? Hungry after long day of flying.” He knocks his ankle against Remus’, “Good food, best company.”

Remus rolls his eyes a little and Sirius snorts. That shouldn’t be attractive, but it is.

“You live here always?” Sirius asks through a bite of cheesecake, “London?”

“Yeah, always.”

“Born here?”

Remus nods, “Yeah. I live a few streets over from my parent’s flat.”

“Must be so nice.” Sirius is smiling, but his eyes are down at his plate and he looks a little mournful. His fingertips not holding his fork are twisting the ring around his neck, “Be near family always.”

Remus takes a bite instead of answering. It had been nice. For a while.

“Not…Not nice?” Sirius says softly, “Sorry, not want to bring up bad things, Remus—“

“No. No, it’s okay. It’s fine, I just…yeah, I don’t really talk to my parents much these days.”

Sirius places a warm hand on his thigh, thumb rubbing on the inside slowly. But it isn’t sexual. It isn’t even verging on sexual. It’s soothing and warm, and it makes Remus want to keep talking.

“Not since I came out.” He finally manages, “To them. They weren’t…” But it turns out that’s all he can say on the matter.

“Make you feel better…” Sirius wets his lips, “Parents not know. Mine, I’m saying. Scared to tell, not good thing in Russia.” He gives Remus’ thigh a little squeeze, “I understand. Remus, it’s—it’s most brave.”

Remus blinks hard, “Yeah.” He doesn’t know why he’s sitting here having this semi-melt down with Sirius. Sirius definitely isn’t paying for this. He’s probably annoyed with him under all his kind words and so Remus snuffles and digs his palms into his eyes, trying to wipe the tears away and the redness that’s probably there both. There’s nothing really to do to make this not an awkward transition. How do you go from tears to sex? And with a stranger? “I’m sorry.” He begins, “Fuck, this—was not what I had planned.”

“Remus, it’s not apology—no, okay?” He’s suddenly pushing the food table away and tucking his legs beneath himself, sitting on his socked-heels and taking both of Remus’ hands, thumbs rubbing gently against the vulnerable insides of Remus’ wrists, “I’m not mind, really. Really.”

“I’ll take this out of your pay. Honestly, Sirius, this isn’t what you brought me here for, I just want you to know that I know that.” Remus can’t help it though, and despite his words curls his fingers around Sirius’, “Sorry."

“Please stop saying, Remus.” Sirius tone is firm, “Please, you—not an apology.” Even the word ‘apology’ sounds nice in Sirius’ mouth.

“I…make okay? A bit?” Sirius tugs very lightly on Remus’ hands but when Remus shakes his head he—he lets go. Which Remus can’t decide how he feels about that.

“Sorry.” He says again, then at Sirius’ face, he pushes a hand through his hair, “Fuck, sorry—Sor—“

And then Sirius is kissing him. His thumbs are stroking slowly along his cheeks and he’s sucking Remus’ bottom lip slowly into his mouth, brushing his tongue along it with the same amount of leisure. Remus sighs into it, fingers digging into his own thighs for a moment before he’s leaning forward and pressing his palms flat on Sirius’.

“Only if want.” Sirius says against his mouth, “Remus.” He pulls away just enough to look at Remus’ glassy eyes, “You not want a second ago, I’m just want no more sorry. No, ah, not need to do anything, okay?” He curls his fingers back around Remus’ ears, around the curls there, “карамель, can just put movie on. Have more cake.”

Remus sniffles a little, blinking hard at Sirius, “Did—Did you just call me caramel?” He remembers the soft word from last time.

Sirius smiles, a bit, and lifts one shoulder, “It’s good, no? It’s…not sure how to say…small names important in Russia. Mean two people are close.”

Is that really what we are? Remus wants to ask. He sort of wants to yell it because, as great as this is, he sees nothing but a darker end. For himself, anyway.

“Oh.” Is all he says out loud and falls sideways a little on the couch into the cushions. He’s suddenly so tired. Sirius doesn’t seem to mind, though, and mirrors his position, their knees knocking together. His soft smile is still aimed right at Remus. “What’s yours then?”

Sirius’ smile grows, “Mama give to me when little.” He raises his eyebrows, “Little bit funny, not laugh.”

Remus feels a smile of his own start up and he uses his sleeve to wipe his nose, sitting up a little more, “I won’t laugh.”

“Sivushka.” It rolls nicely off of Sirius’ tongue, and his cheeks pink a little but he looks pleased, “Sort of…for family? Friends. Not so much lover, too…small?”

“Casual?” Remus offers, “Like, it means a different feeling.”

Sirius’ smile is soft, “So good with english. So helpful.”

“Sivushka.” Remus tries it out, but it doesn’t sound half as good. Then, he can’t help it, heart in his throat when he asks, “What’s…what’s more than friends? Like, not—just, I’m curious what that would be.”

“Lover? Sirusya, maybe.” Then he smiles, eyes crinkling warmly, “You like? You call me?”

“Surely someone already calls you that.” Remus tries to keep his voice light. I mean, look at you. He wants to add.

Sirius sits up at that a little, eyes going hard, hand—that had been rubbing idly against Remus’ knee—going still, “No. No one call me.”

Remus swallows, “I—I didn’t mean—“

“I’m not—изменя́ть.” He huffs in frustration, “изменя́ть—I’m not know, not know, okay?”

Remus’s chest goes cold, “Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything.”

“Not be here if with—someone else.” Sirius shakes his head, “Not like that, Remus. I’m not.” The phrase is followed by a disgruntled spell of Russian that Remus does his best to follow through tone alone.

“I know.” Remus finally says, “I know you aren’t.” Because he’s only met Sirius twice but he can honestly say he does know this about him, “I’m sorry.”

“Not apology, карамель.” Sirius rubs his hands over his face, “Too much action, sorry.”

Remus looks on in confusion, “What?”

“Me, me,” Sirius gestures aggressively towards himself, “Me. Too much action. Not right.”

Overreaction, Remus thinks and nods, “No, I understand.”

“I’m know…what guys you probably see doing…this.” Sirius doesn’t look at him as he acknowledges exactly why Remus is there for what feels like the first time other than money exchanges, “Not wrong for you to think. But no.”

“Sirius, it’s okay.” But that feels wrong somehow and so he says instead, “I mean, we’ve done this three times.”

Sirius is quiet for a long moment this time. “It’s true.” Then, after running his fingers over his necklace a few times, “You have other small name?”

The topic change pings a little, “Um. Not anything big. Re, mostly, if anything.”

“Re.” It sounds like a lovely mess of vowel in Sirius’ mouth, “That’s all?”

Remus nods, “Nothing like Russia, huh?”

Sirius runs a hand over his face one more time but when he moves it there’s a trace of his usual smile, “I’m find you one, not worry.” Then, eyes down and voice quiet but questioning, “You have…small name…for lover?”

Remus swallows. His throat is so dry all of a sudden so he just shakes his head, then realizes Sirius isn’t looking at him so he croaks out, “No.”

Sirius nods back, “Oh.” Then he grabs the remote and pushes it into Remus’ hand, “Find something. I’m call for tea and get money before forget. Be back.”

It seems like the end of the conversation, but the conversation doesn’t feel over. Remus choses a movie, but he couldn’t say what it was about. When its over Sirius has to tuck the money into Remus’ back pocket himself. He presses another kiss to Remus’ cheek. Then Remus doesn’t hear from him for two weeks.

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la-knight · 6 years

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BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage.

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

#books of 2018 #book review #aesthetic #Furthermore #Tahereh Mafi

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islareeveswriting · 6 years

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Time is a healer.

Molly knew how true that was. Even her bruised, but maybe not completely broken, heart had been healed by a few weeks of nurture. It seemed there was nothing a little time couldn’t wrap its arms around and restore to what it had once been before. It couldn’t erase scars left behind by battles that had gone on for a little to long not to leave a mark, but it did make them fade, and a little easier to hide. After nearly two months, Molly felt like she was back to herself and moving forward. At least emotionally.

Physically, Molly felt like she’d been hit by a convoy of ten tonne trucks. Everything ached, her eyes felt tired, her head felt heavy, and her throat felt like it had made good friends with a parmesan grater. What had started as a bad hangover, had quickly developed into a cold and had continued to get worse from there. Three days had passed since she’d woken up in Harry’s bed, and the headache she’d had that morning was yet to disappear for more than a few paracetamol induced hours.

University had started back up, and after her first lecture of the new semester Molly had a pile of research waiting on her desk for her. However, mustering the energy to actually make some progress on it was a challenge. It was only likely to be added to after her two pm portfolio presentation workshop that afternoon, but still Molly had left the house that morning with her research project as untouched as it had been when she’d thrown the file on her desk two days ago and collapsed on her bed. Again.

It was a typical January day. The light that managed to make it through the thick, virtually black, clouds hardly lit up the streets at all, and it was a wonder they’d bothered to turn the street lights off. The air was bitter, it seemed winter was only getting colder as spring should have approached, and there was an ever present threat of torrential rain. The clouds were dark enough, but they just seemed to be keeping everyone on edge, not sure whether to brave the outside or hold refuge indoors with hot drinks and comforting food.

The cafe Amanda had chosen for their coffee date was virtually empty. Apart from Molly and Amanda, sat in a booth designed for six, there were two other tables being used. The two waitresses were as aware as Molly that they needn’t have both been there, and it was clear they were struggling to even appear busy, let alone actually be busy. Zak was the noisiest part of the cafe, his chattering and giggling cutting over the hushed conversations of everyone else there.

It had taken Amanda less than twelve hours to message Molly after meeting on Sunday morning at brunch, three days later, and they were sat opposite each other in a cafe around the corner from Amanda’s house, as if it was something they’d done a million times before. Molly hadn’t exactly been surprised Amanda had followed through with getting her number from Harry, but by the same token Molly wouldn’t have been surprised if it hadn’t happened either, and she wouldn’t have been offended. Molly was five years Amanda’s junior, and outwardly it appeared they didn’t have a lot in common. However, as Molly got closer to the end of her pot of tea, it was apparent the two of them had a lot more in common than anyone would have imagined.

Apart from the fact, Molly seemed to now be in the same boat Amanda had been in five years ago with Joe after ending a serious relationship, they both had older sisters they considered best friends, had both moved to the city they now called home for university, and had both felt an unfavourable welcome from Katie when they first met. The fact the blonde haired girl had been so cold at brunch had played on Molly’s mind ever since. It was hard to get the feeling that she’d been being judged for something she wasn’t aware of was hard to budge. Despite the fact Harry had been so quick to touch her leg with his knee each time Katie spoke to her like she was keeping score, he’d not mentioned it since. It wasn’t that Molly was necessarily expecting him to, it was just she wanted to know why it felt like daggers were being fired at her for the two hours she’d been sat opposite Katie.

Normally, Molly wouldn’t think anything of it, people could be cold when they didn’t know someone, she understood that, and it was fine. But Molly didn’t get the feeling Katie had been cold purely because she didn’t know Molly. The way she’d rolled her eyes when Harry called her love, had seemed so anxious to hear whether they were together or not, had given Molly the impression she was stepping on toes. Though why she couldn’t figure out.

At first she’d thought she might have asked Harry about it. It was clear from the look he gave her when Amanda had pushed her eggs over the table to Katie, that there were opinions on the blue eyed blonde who looked like she wouldn’t say boo to a goose. However, after their conversation in Harry’s car about Molly's body image issues, and after Harry opened up a little bit about his dad, Katie’s attitude towards her wasn’t exactly the most pressing thing on Mollys mind.

However, when Amanda bought the situation up over coffee, it felt like the universe was giving Molly a free pass to ask her questions and not feel guilty for one of Harry’s friends leaving a bad taste in her mouth.

“She’s erm,” Molly hesitated. Free pass or not she didn’t want to appear callous, and she’d always struggled to find a bad word to say about anyone. It felt even harder when what she wanted to say was based purely on a feeling rather than anything Katie had actually done. “Hard?” Molly tried. Amanda scoffed a laugh though and nodded her head.

“That’s one way of putting it.” Amanda supposed, lifting her eyebrows a little. Molly wasn’t sure what to say next, she rolled her lips together and dropped her eyes. It was hard to explain. If Harry hadn’t been sat next to her at brunch, and if Amanda hadn’t been so warm and welcoming, she knew she’d have felt incredibly uncomfortable at that table thanks to the way Katie acted towards her. Little comments, looks, her tone of voice. Molly wasn’t sure if it was intentional, but that didn’t mean it felt any less agreeable to Molly. The thing was Molly didn’t want to look two-faced, or put her foot in something she didn’t see coming. There could be a reasonable explanation for the way Katie had been, Molly knew little to nothing about any of Harry’s friends to be able to be sure either way. Molly was finding it hard to explain it without sounding like she was backstabbing someone she didn’t know from Adam.

“You don’t have to worry Molly, it’s not a secret that me and her don’t exactly get on.” Amanda went on. “When I first started seeing Joe she told anyone who would listen that I’d cheated on my ex multiple times, not true, and that Joe should be careful.” Amanda explained with a shrug. It appeared that, now, Amanda thought nothing of it, but Molly could bet that at the time it hadn’t been so easy to shrug away. “I didn’t even know her name.” Amanda finished, and the sting she’d felt was clear in her voice.

“Wow, that’s extreme.” Molly gaped, eyes widening a little. “Why did she do that?” Molly asked, but Amanda just shrugged, swallowing the sip of coffee she’d taken whilst Molly was taking in what she’d just said, trying, but ultimately, failing to understand it.

“I don’t really know, but I think it’s a jealousy thing.” Amanda guessed with a slight shrug, cradling the coffee cup in her hands.

“A jealousy thing?” Amanda just nodded. “What’s she jealous of?” Again Amanda shrugged. Molly couldn’t make head or tail of it and it confused her to say the least. Katie was a pretty girl, attractive, she was engaged to a man that seemed like a gentleman, and was good looking, strong, she had a good group of friends. Molly was at a loss for what she had to be jealous of, when Molly walked into the cafe with Harry, riddled with nerves and anxious to be liked by the friends of Harry’s he introduced her to. As far as Molly could see, if anything, it should have been the other way around.

“It’s weird, but she gets kinda territorial over those boys, like no one can be good enough for them apart from her.” Amanda said, but there was something about her voice that made Molly think it wasn’t so much of a guess anymore.

“She’s got Rich!” Molly stressed wide-eyed, her nose crinkling.

“I know.” Amanda confirmed. “That’s why I say it’s weird, but it is honestly like she doesn’t want any other girls in their lives apart from her.” She explained, or at least tried, all though it was clear from Molly’s face that it made absolutely no sense to her.

“The fuck?” Molly questioned. For a minute Molly tried to understand, put herself in Katie’s shoes. She imagined how she’d feel if Jimmy bought a girl home, introduced her to Molly and the rest of their housemates. The idea only filled Molly with excitement. Since she met Jimmy she knew he’d make a great boyfriend for the right person. In no circumstance could she imagine herself being jealous of a girlfriend of Jimmy, maybe if she turned out not be a nice person she might grow to dislike her, but never jealous.

“I mean maybe it’s something else with Harry, I dunno, maybe, I dunno,” Amanda started to trip over her words appearing unsure in a way that Molly doubted came to her very easily considering how confident she came across otherwise. She was quick to paper over it, carry on like she hadn’t saing anything; “part of me wonders as well if she’s worried someone will get down the aisle before her.” Amanda continued, but that only made Molly crease her brow more than she already had done, looking across the table to Amanda. “Her and Rich have been engaged for donkeys, he’s only just agreed to set a date and it’s still a year away.” Amanda explained. Molly rolled her eyes, she only felt more confused than she had done before they’d started the conversation.

“Considering Harry and I are just friends that’s not likely to be an issue is it?” Molly pointed out with a slight eye roll.

“You’re really still pulling that ‘just friends’ thing?” Molly didn’t say anything to answer Amanda’s question. If Molly was honest she didn’t know what they were doing. They seemed to be continuously testing boundaries, but never actually getting through them, maybe both a little scared of what waited on the other side for them. Apparently, Molly’s silence was answer enough for Amanda though. “Are you not bored of that yet?” She pushed, Molly dropping her eyes. “So that’s a yes.” Amanda pointed out, correctly. Molly was bored of it. She was fed up with trying to convince herself Harry didn’t make her feel something, that it wasn’t getting more intense every time she saw something glittering in his eye. And she was fed up of not being sure, but being entirely certain all at once, that she saw Harry doing the same.

“It’s not that I’m bored of it, just, well I didn’t expect to start feeling like this so soon after Ryan.” Molly tried to explain, because no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get away from the fact that two months after ending a four year relationship felt like too soon to be moving onto something new.

“Surely that tells you how real the feelings are.” Amanda suggested, scotting forward a little and glancing down at Zak who was scooting toy cars along the leather bench distractedly, beside her, seemingly completely oblivious to his mother’s conversation or that she’d even moved.

“You think?” Molly asked narrowing her eyes slightly, clearly unsure.

“Yeah, I know what it's like to come out of a long term relationship and feel like you won’t go there again for a long time to then bump into someone you really like, the fact you weren’t looking for it but found it anyway? That’s a sign.” Amanda told Molly with a reassuring certainty. Despite how sure Amanda sounded, Molly still couldn’t settle it in her own head, not completely at least, and she had to wonder if it was the same thing holding Harry back. Or if it was just that she hadn’t quite managed to teeter over the edge yet, and he didn’t want to be the one to push her. “He is smitten with you, you can tell by the way he looks at you.” Amanda announced, only making Molly blush and drop her eyes to the table in attempt to hide it. “Sorry, we don’t have to talk about this, so he didn’t warn you about Katie?” Amanda asked, taking another sip of her coffee as Molly lifted her gaze again, hoping the flush of her cheeks had died down.

“No, but maybe he’s not noticed it.” Molly mused with a slight shrug of her shoulders, the loose neckline of her jumper falling down for it.

“Oh he has, she’s like it with every girl.” Amanda pointed out, her words making Molly feel as disposable as the throwaway comment for a few moments. There was a familiar prickle inside her, but one she refused to let grow the way she had in Woodies a few nights ago. It was one thing to feel jealous of a nameless woman, but nameless faceless women, that bore no threat to something, that at that moment was nothing anyway, was completely ridiculous as far as Molly could see.

“Every girl?” She asked, nonetheless, her voice slightly higher than she’d anticipated.

“Well Shane’s ex, me, some girl Niall introduced last year.” Amanda listed, not mentioning Harry’s name once. Molly nodded, wondering if Amanda was holding something back for her benefit, and wishing she wouldn’t. “Don’t worry, you’re the first girl Harry has ever introduced to us, you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Amanda reassured quickly and a strange, unprecedented, feeling of relief washed over Molly.

“I’m not worried.” Molly clucked quickly, too quickly to be believable.

“Uh huh? That’s why you were squirming around like a worm on a fish hook.” Amanda smirked knowingly, one perfectly filled in eyebrow rising slightly. Molly just rolled her eyes and shook her head, not even bothering to hide the slight heat she was feeling under Amanda’s spotlight. “It’s cute, just go with it, what have you got to loose?”

“A bloody good friendship.” Molly pointed out.

“God if I had a pound for everytime someone didn’t go for it because they were scared of losing a friend.” Amanda groaned. “If you were meant be just friends forever, you wouldn’t fancy the pants off him, and if the friendship is that good it won’t be ruined by a kiss and a cuddle.” Molly sighed and began spinning her mug around in circles on the table, not sure what to say. It was hard to argue with someone who seemed so confident in what they were saying, even if Molly wasn’t entirely sure she agreed. “I’m sorry, I just can’t sit back, having seen how you are with one another and not say anything, it’s ridiculous.” Amanda sighed falling back into the seat.

“Ok, can we talk about something else other than how I apparently fancy the pants of Harry now?” Molly bargained. Amanda just chuckled and nodded. What was, or seemingly wasn’t, happening with Harry, wasn’t something Molly felt ready to discuss with anyone other than the voice in her head. It was hard enough for herself to make sense of her feelings, let alone trying to do so out loud for someone else.

They finished their drinks and chatted for another half an hour. It really didn’t feel like the first time the two of them had socialised together without a mutual friend. Conversation passed easily and the time quickly. When Molly checked her phone, her mug of tea empty, she realised she should really be leaving fairly soon to make it to the campus for her workshop.

“Well then little fella, we best let Molly get going.” Amanda sung, placing her cup on the mug and looking down at Zak, seemingly reading Molly’s mind. The little boy looked up at Zak with doey brown eyes that matched his mother’s exactly, before looking to Molly.

“Where’sa going?” Zak asked with a deeply creased brow, his lips a little pouty, the picture of confusion and slight disappointment.

“I’ve got to go to univers-school.” Molly settled on, guessing Zak wouldn’t have a comprehension of university. It did nothing to help the look on his face though, his eyebrows just lowered further and his bottom lip seemed to stick out more. It was evident Zak had no expectation for Molly to leave without them. “But I’ll see you again real soon.” Molly promised with a smile and a gleam in her voice. “Ok?” She offered. Zak sighed heavily, his little shoulders lifting and falling with discontent at, what seemed to be in Zak’s eyes, and unfavourable compromise.

“Ok.” He grumbled sadly, looking back down at the car in his hand and hitting it against the sofa.

“Are you ok? You don’t look so good.” Amanda pointed out, a glimmer of concern in her voice and over her face.

“Yeah think I’ve got a bit of a cold, nothing to worry about.” Molly smiled, though it felt like a massive effort to do so. Before leaving the house, she’d taken a couple of paracetamol to try and keep her aches at bay, however, through the morning, it had begun to wear off. She felt it in her shoulders first, it felt like she’d slept awkwardly, and then her face started to ache, and finally her head started to feel like it was being shut between a door, over and over again, her temples throbbing. The box of paracetamol was still sat on the kitchen side at home, Molly had anticipated the effects lasting until she got home from her workshop. Clearly, she’d been wrong.

Out on the street, the air still bitterly cold and the clouds still ominously dark, Molly and Amanda said a hasty goodbye, both wanting to get back indoors and out of the weather as quickly as possible. On insistence from Amanda, Zak managed to pull his little hand out from the blanket tucked around him, in his pushchair, to give Molly a wave goodbye. Molly couldn’t blame him, if she had a choice she’d be tucked up with, what looked like, a handmade woollen blanket, rather than cocooned in a puffy, waterproof parka that didn’t do a whole lot for the cold. Even the fur lined hood didn’t keep much warmth in, and she was trying not to shiver as she stood saying goodbye.

With a promise to see each other again soon, they both headed in separate directions, Amanda off to her warm, well heated home, and Molly off to the cold, open, workshop room on campus. Of course Molly knew where she’d rather be heading, but making a start on her portfolio was important. More important than getting cosy with a cup of tea on her bed, and more important than the sleep her heavy eyes were telling her she needed. Even if the idea alone of pyjamas, tea and her bed made her warmer than the fluffy socks she had on under her boots or the jumper and coat combo she was wearing. It didn’t matter when she had her second year portfolio to get her head around, the first one that really mattered.

No one had ever expected Molly to choose a fashion degree, it had surprised Molly at first as well, but when she really thought about it, it made far more sense than going into teaching the way she’d always planned. As a child she was going to be a teacher, once she got to secondary school that progressed to art teacher, because at least that sat well with her creative nature. It wasn’t until her textiles teacher asked her if she’d considered any design schools for university that the idea of doing anything other than teaching entered her head.

For a long time she’d kept the thought to herself, mulled it over, secretly looked into design courses. Miss Edwards said she was more than capable, and nothing beat the buzz that she got from bringing her designs to life. It wasn’t until she opened up to the idea, that she really realised the thrill she got from men’s fashion and tailoring projects. The excitement far exceeded that of anything she’d done in art, or the idea of standing in front of a classroom filled with rowdy teenagers, the majority of who wouldn’t even want to be in an art class.

It had made her nervous, telling her parents that she’d changed her mind about following in their footsteps and going into teaching, but they’d been supportive as they always had. Just as supportive as when Jeanie told them she didn’t want to continue with education at all, and would rather go off travelling around South East Asia and Australia. It was always a case of whatever was best for them, whatever was going to make their daughters happy, they could get behind. Molly didn’t know why she always got so nervous about telling her parents something somewhat life changing, because the reaction had always been positive. It was Ryan that doubted it, made her question it for a second, before she walked into her Textiles classroom and was handed her ticket to men’s London Fashion Week and squealed with excitement.

There was no doubt. Suddenly she felt like she was born to study Fashion and Textile design, to work in that industry, and get a buzz from it everyday.

Everyday, Molly still did get a buzz that she was able to do something she loved, was making steps to being able to carve a career in something that made her heart sing. However, she still felt an unnecessary need to please people, to prove that she’d made the right decision, and she wasn’t wasting time and money studying something that could end in a dead end retail career; as Ryan had so kindly put it after she’d submitted her UCAS application to five universities for fashion design courses.

Looking back, how she’d been with him so long was a question she couldn’t answer. He’d never been supportive. But that was done now, and what she’d learned was although she didn’t need someone by her side to be supportive of her every move, she did want it.

The previous workshop hadn’t kicked out when Molly rocked up outside. Looking at her phone she was only five minutes earlier so she rested against the wall, beside the door and waited patiently for two pm to tick around. It was rare to walk into a workshop straight after another group had been in there. Normally Molly would walk straight into the room and make herself comfortable to wait for the class to start. As it was, she waited in the cold corridor, cuddling her arms around herself, and praying to god someone had wheeled an electric heater into the room.

“Molly.” Molly snapped her head up. She’d only meant to rest her eyes, but it appeared she was close to drifting off, standing against the wall, her head fallen into her chest. Quickly she felt her cheeks reddening as she flicked her head around to find her lecturer looking at her confused. Max Hambleton had worked for Calvin Klein and Tom Ford in New York, and done a stint in Milan for various designers. Not to mention the chorus of high end fashion magazines he’d worked for. Yet Molly was being called to consciousness by him in a university corridor. It wasn’t exactly how she wanted him to remember her, but she was sure he now would. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine sorry.” Molly hastened, straightening herself and hoisting her bag up onto her shoulder further. Max just looked her up and down a little, a slight furrow in his clearly botoxed brow as Molly moved from the wall to get in through the door.

“Are you sure you’re feeling ok?” Max asked again, pulling the door closed behind him. “You don’t look so good.” He explained folding his arms across his chest as a concerned look ran across his features, still looking over Molly’s colourless face an dim eyes.

“So everyone keeps saying.” Molly grumbled, shrugging at her bag again for no real reason. “It’s just a cold, I’m fine.” Molly explained, though the depth and croak of her voice did nothing to evidence that she was indeed fine.

“I’m sending you home.” Max instructed after a few seconds of looking over Molly again. There was no getting away from just how un-herself she looked. She looked drained and like she hadn’t slept in weeks, though it had barely been days.

“I’m fine.” Molly tried again, but Max shook his head and opened the door.

“No, you need to go home and rest.” He insisted with wide eyes. It was often easy to forget workshop leaders were teachers, they, particularly Max, had a tendency to act more like a friend. However, when he used that tone, and wore that look, it was very clear he was the one in charge. “I’ll send you the notes and the assignment, but I don’t want to see you again until you don’t look like you’ve just done twenty rounds with Muhammad Ali, ok?” Matt told her, one hand on the door handle, the other on his hip. Molly sighed and shook her head, looking down at her black Timberlands. It wasn’t what she wanted at all, but it was quite evident there wasn’t a choice.

“Fine.” Molly grumbled, turning on her heel and walking away, only glancing over her shoulder when she heard the door shut.

If Molly was brutally honest with herself, she felt a little relieved to be heading back home. The morning, that had consisted of not a lot, had taken it out of her, and with the tablets she’d taken now leaving her system, every limb was aching, literally, for her bed and a little sleep. Normally a missed workshop, lecture, seminar, might keep her awake, but she was fairly certain, feeling how she currently was, there was very little that would stop her falling asleep the second her head hit the pillow. Even so she knew she’d be checking her emails the second she got in for Max’s promised notes so she could print and read over them that night with a cup of tea.

The busses were running behind schedule. The wait for Molly’s bus was twelve minutes when she got to the bus stop and stood under the shelter out of the wind. There was no one else about, a couple of students wandering down the road towards the campus, but other than that no one. Molly seemed to be the only one who made enough effort to be out on the gloomiest day of the new year so far.

For a mere second she considered calling a taxi. She had numbers saved in her phone from nights out, just in case, though they were rarely used. The cold was getting to her, and she was only getting more tired. Molly even opened her bag to start hunting for her phone before she stopped herself. She’d paid forty pounds for a months bus pass to see her through the bitterest of winter months, and she’d be damned if she didn’t get her moneys worth. Looking at the announcement board, she saw two minutes had passed already. Only ten minutes and she’d be on a warm bus that would take her virtually to her front door. It really wasn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things.

It was the slowest ten minutes of her life. Two other busses came and went, but neither of them were the one Molly required. When it did eventually pull up into the stop, Molly felt frozen to her core and she couldn’t stop the shivering anymore. Her fingers were shaking as she flicked her bus pass card against the ticket machine and wandered up the narrow galley for an empty double seat. A bus chair had never felt so good, and her feet rested against the hot air blower under the seat she’d hoped would be free.

Slowly, Molly got warmer, but the shivering didn’t cease, in fact it only seemed to increase. Each stop passed in a blur of passengers, and Molly only got hotter, to the point she considered taking her coat off, but never did, enjoying the blanketing feeling it was giving her as she cuddled it around herself and snuggled her chin down into it. Not to mention, the fact she was still shaking from cold, so perhaps she wasn’t as warm as she thought.

When the bus eventually got to her road, Molly leaned forward and pressed the button, hoiking herself up from the seat with a great deal of effort and dragging herself off the bus, thanking the driver as she passed the little window he sat behind. The cold hit her again instantly and her teeth chattered as she walked, as fast as she could, for the severe lack of energy to her house. The lights in the entrance way, and their kitchen were on, she could see that. Of course that didn’t mean anyone was in. No one was guilt-free when it came to forgetting to turn lights off before leaving the house.

Molly began to rummage in her huge back for her house keys before she got to the door. Of course they were right at the bottom, tangled around her portable charger lead that had somehow escaped from the pouch she kept it in. There was nothing that made Molly want to untangle them there and then, so she just tugged at the keys until they were released enough to be useable and awkwardly let herself in.

The noise hit her immediately. Loud chanting and cheering that reminded her of the headache she hadn’t forgotten about anyway. The laughter was boisterous and the voices low, chorusing from the front room. Molly groaned to herself as she dropped her bag to the floor and kicked her boots off. Never in her life had Molly walked around with socks on her feet, she hated the sensation, but even that came second to trying to keep the warmth she’d worked up inside her body rather than letting it out. She padded through to the kitchen, barely lifting her feet, rather scuffing them across the cheap laminate that was chipped and dented in places.

A large group of boys were crowded into the living space of the house, spread out of the chairs and floor, taking over the whole room. Ben was sat on the arm of the big three seater sofa, a controller in his hand. Little cartoon looking men were running around on the screen and Molly could have cried. Noticing the light had been on, she’d just hoped someone had left it on, as was normally the case. Instead, it meant her house was filled with Ben’s football team friends for an afternoon of video games before their weekly night out with the netball team. Molly was staring hopelessly at them, wishing they’d just disappear, when Ben turned around with a wide smile on his face having just scored a goal.

“Alright Mol?” He asked, turning back to the TV. “Look a bit rough.”

“Yeah got a cold, and a banging headache.” Molly told him, putting emphasis on the headache part, hoping he’d get the hint, though Ben didn’t seem to hear at all, just nodded. “I’m going to bed.”

“Ok, have fun.” Molly rolled her eyes, groaned loudly and snatched the box of paracetamol tablets from the kitchen side where she’d left them that morning, before traipsing back out to her bedroom, grabbing her bag as she went.

The rest of the flat was dark, and Molly’s bedroom was no different. Even with the blinds open the natural light seeping through was minimal. Despite that she shut them, darkening the room further and falling to sit on her bed. There was a glass of water on the side from that morning and she swallowed two of the tablets with a mouthful of it easily. Finally she shrugged her coat off and pushed it onto the floor so she could get comfy under her duvet.

Molly shut her eyes and tried to let sleep take her, but the noise travelling through from the living room was hard to get away from. The thin walls and doors that didn’t quite reach the floors meant Molly could hear virtually every word, and definitely every sound that came from the congregation of boys that were getting far too excited over a video game. It was sods law that the one afternoon Molly actually wanted the house to herself, or at least for the house to be quiet, it was full of people. Noisy people.

Feeling the way she was, Molly thought sleep would come easily regardless of anything else. However, as she tossed and turned in her bed, she realised she was wrong. She began to feel restless, her aching legs frustrating her with their unwillingness to relax. Uncomfortable didn’t quite cut it, but getting out of bed to undress and put pyjamas on didn’t seem appealing either. Sleep was all she wanted, a long deep sleep that would rid her of the headache, and the restlessness, and the grating of her throat.

Finally with her head covered by her duvet, one leg tucked up to her chest, the other stretched across the bed, Molly felt comfortable. Her mind started to switch off and through duvet the noise that had been irritating her became nothing more than a background buzz that was easier to ignore.

It felt like she’d only just begun to doze off when her phone rang loud through the silence she’d found and jolted her back to consciousness aggressively. It was never going to be urgent, but Molly was so stunned into being awake again, that she found herself scrambling from her bed for her phone, still in her coat pocket. When she finally pulled it out, Harry’s name and contact photo, on she’d taken of him the last time they’d been together, flashed on the screen. She slid it across to answer and fell back into her bed.

“Hello?” Molly answered groggily.

“Oh sorry were you asleep?” Harry asked and she could hear the concern in his voice, over the noise of crashing around in the background.

“Trying to.” Molly told him, yawning as she did so.

“Oh sorry love, thought I’d caught you after your workshop.” Harry explained, the background noise ceasing and a loud slam of a car door sounding instead. “Was gonna ask if you wanted to hang out?” Harry asked. Molly’s tummy flipped. She would have loved to, spending the evening with Harry sounded perfect, but her still pounding headache, and yet to be resolved lack of sleep were telling it probabaly wasn’t the best move.

“I’d love to, but I got sent home from uni ill so should probably just rest up.” Molly lamented sadly, combing her hair away from her face. Even that hurt her sensitive head and made her wince her little as she took her fingers from the tangled lengths steadily.

“You got sent home!?” Harry cried in disbelief. “I told you you were sick and should get rest.” Harry reminder her, Molly rolling her eyes having anticipated that reaction. Since Sunday evening Harry had told her countless times he thought she was getting ill and needed to rest, she’d insisted it was just a bit of a cold and would pass, though Harry wasn’t so sure, and had clearly been right not to be so easily convinced. “Well you need to sleep.”

“I’m trying, Ben’s got all the football lads here and they’re causing a right racket.” Molly complained, staring through the walls as if the boys four rooms down might be able to feel her glare through the bricks.

“Really?” Harry asked, Molly just hummed in response. “Wanna come to mine?” Harry asked. Molly didn’t say anything for a minute, Harry did though; “It’ll be quiet, and warm.” He told her and Molly knew that would be true. Harry’s flat had been just the right temperature every time she’d been there, even her tendency to feel the cold hadn’t been able to prevail, and Molly was fairly certain even the M25 was currently more quiet than her flat.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to get ill as well.” Molly warned him.

“Of course I’m sure, it’s fine.” Harry promised. “Look, I’m just packing up at work, give me an hour or so and I’ll come and grab you yeah?” Molly hadn’t realised it was that late in the day until then, but suddenly it made sense that her room felt darker than it had before. Maybe she had caught a bit of sleep somewhere in her fogged head.

“Ok.” Molly smiled.

“And hey, we get to hang out too.” Harry pointed out and she swore she could hear the grin on his face.

“True.”

“Ok, well I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Will do, thank you.” Molly smiled to herself, content in the warmth she was feeling from Harry’s offer and the idea of spending the evening in his flat with him.

“Of course.” Harry breathed, before they said their goodbyes and Harry ended the call, eager to get packed up at work. Molly was just as eager, she couldn’t wait to see him. It had been two days since they’d seen each other, of course they’d spoken, every night on the phone, but nothing beat actually being in his company. It was sickeningly addictive, and spending time with him was sweet and soft. Suddenly Molly felt a little spring in her step, and she wanted to do anything possible to make the time go quicker until Harry was knocking on her door again. It wasn’t anything Molly had ever experienced before. It was so different to what she’d had with Ryan. The feeling inside her was far more exciting, and somehow more blissful.

Looking back, how things with Ryan had happened had been predictable. What was moving with Harry seemed to come from nowhere, and the unexpected nature of it only made it more thrilling and exciting. Though that wasn’t the only reason she felt a constant kaleidoscope of butterflies in her tummy and the mere mention of his name, let alone his voice, or his presence. There was something about it, something more than the undoubted rugged good looks he had, or his strong sure stature, or how he could go from a dark smirk to bubbly grin in under two seconds. It was the way he made Molly feel. In the five months they’d known one another, he’d made her feel more comfortable with being herself, and more at home, than she realised she could. He took it to another level for her, that she wasn’t aware existed. It could have been frightening if it didn’t feel so good.

Molly always had the tendency to blow things out of proportion, to stress over the small stuff, it was just part of her nature. Somehow, Harry made that not feel so necessary. Somehow he made even the big stuff feel like it didn’t need a second of her brain space or her attention. Everything felt easy around him. Apart from maybe being around him.

Every now and again, a little flutter of nerves would rise their head when they were together. Normally when she was under his intense gaze, his eyes locked on her as he waited for her to say something, or answer a question, or make a decision. It was getting more frequent though. When he’d been sat casually shirtless in his living room, seemingly entirely unaware of the effect he had on her. The way he’d looked at her in Nancy’s hallway. The feeling of his knee tapping against hers under the table at brunch and how for a second she’d wished, thought, it was his hand making home on her thigh.

It wasn’t nerves that made her feel sick, or scared her, or made her aware of something she should avoid. Instead it was nerves that ignited every part of her and burned through her like friendly fire. It wasn’t nerves she wanted to stop or make go away, take deep breaths through to ease. It seemed to be getting worse every time they moved closer into each other's orbits and everytime they took a little step away from ‘just friends’, everytime they got closer to diving into that water together. The water seemed clearer than it had before, far less rocks to get stuck on, and much smoother. It seemed like it would be blissful.

Seeing as her phone was already in her hand, Molly used the time she was anxious to pass to check her emails for the notes from Max. It was there second from the top, under a promotional email from Victoria’s Secret. ‘Intro to portfolio presentation notes.’ Molly clicked on it and opened up the attachment. It wasn’t the best device for reading over the notes, but her mind wasn’t exactly in the right place to take it all in properly, so it made no odds.

There were only eight slides on the powerpoint presentation, and the bullet points made for light easy reading. It was mostly basic ideas that Molly had already started to get her head around in first year. Obviously it meant more now, with the marks she got this year going towards her overall degree grade, and the few added tips and pointers were useful. Molly already had an idea in her mind for the ‘re-imagining’ project though. It had only been introduced to her two days ago in her first seminar of the semester, but by the time she was home she had inspiration in her head, and fabric samples practically bought.

It wasn’t unusual for Molly to get ahead of herself, and eventually she’d slow down, and probably panic and set herself back as she started to think too much rather than go with the direction her creativity was pulling her in. However, in that moment, she was excited about the prospect. It gave her an excuse to work on menswear, which was something she didn’t really need an excuse for, and also a chance to put her tailoring skills to use.

The notes seemed to take longer for her to get through, but only because she kept getting distracted by the picture examples Max had included with inspired ideas of her own. When the knock on the door sounded heavy around the flat, Molly jumped to attention, suddenly remembering the doorbell they still had yet to get fixed. Molly got up from her bed and all but skipped to her bedroom door. When she got out to the hallway, Ben was already stood with it open, letting Harry into the house, the two of them chattering and laughing.

“Hey.” Molly called drawing their attention. Harry spun his head to her and grinned quickly. “Mind if I just get changed into something comfier?” Molly asked. She’d been intending on getting changed before Harry turned up, but she hadn’t expected him to be so quick.

“Of course.” Harry nodded. Ben invited Harry into the lounge as Molly turned back to her room to get changed. Folded on her desk were the grey leggings Lauren had bought her for Christmas, the ones that matched the pair Lauren owned and Molly always told her she loved, with the black waistband and brand name written around it. Molly pulled them on, they were the softest things she’d ever worn and she loved them. They suited her current state perfectly, along with the navy hoodie folded underneath them. It was far from her most stylish look, but she didn’t care even an ounce about that, and just to push the point she pulled on a pair of fluffy socks and slid her feet into her Adidas Superstars before going back out to the lounge to find Harry with her handbag on her shoulder.

“Manchester United? Why?” Ben was asking, sat back in the same spot he had been earlier, Harry stood beside him with his arms folded across his chest, both glued to the computer generated football game two of Ben’s friends were playing.

“That’s where I’m from.” Harry laughed, and Molly felt herself being taken back. She’d always noted Harry’s slightly northern accent, but somehow it still took her by surprise.

“I didn’t know that.” She noted from the kitchen, checking through her bag that she had everything she could need and throwing the box of paracetamol into it.

“You never noticed his accent before Mol?” Ben chuckled. Molly just gave him a glare, until he turned back to the TV with an amused grin on his face. Harry was striding towards her, hands in the black zip up fleece he was wearing, covered in dust, and chuckling to himself. It wasn’t Molly hadn’t noticed, in fact it was one of the first things she’d noticed aside from his annoyingly good looks, but it was never confirmed and it just seemed to point out how little Molly knew about Harry’s past.

“You really are ill huh love?” Harry chided once he was close enough. Molly just rolled her eyes at him and coughed dramatically only earning enough throaty laugh from Harry. “Ready for some R&R then?” He asked.

“Definitely.” Molly smiled, sliding her arm through the bend in Harry’s that he outstretched for her to do so, deciding in her kitchen, with a living room full of boys wasn’t the place to start asking about Harry’s childhood, and also wondering if there ever would be a time and a place.

The drive out to Harry’s place felt peaceful. Molly found herself pushing as far back into the seat as she could and wrapping herself in the teddy bear coat she’d pulled on before leaving. The heating system was chucking out warm air that made her feel sleepy, the low light of the street lamps only aiding it. It had started to rain at last, and gentle spots of water tapped at the glass as Harry drove through it towards his house. They had the music turned low, to a volume that didn’t make Molly’s head pound anymore than it already was, and was also conductive to a little conversation about the days they’d both just had. Molly made the decision not to mention the conversation she’d had with Amanda about Katie, it didn’t feel necessary, but she did mention that she’d had a really lovely lunch with her, though neither of them had eaten anything.

Once they were in Harry’s flat, Harry was quick to kick off his work boots and strip off his fleece, the polo shirt underneath tight fitting and hugging every muscle it covered. The flat was already heated, the underfloor pipes obviously having kicked in at some point that afternoon in anticipation of Harry’s return from work. It meant Molly could slip her trainers and socks off and not worry about cold feet the way she had in her house. Harry flicked on a few lights as he went through the living room, Molly following once she’d taken her coat off and put her bag tidily in the corner of the entrance way.

“Feeling pretty rough then?” Harry asked, flicking on the lamp on the table beside the sofa. It felt like the cosy winter night it was. The lightbulbs Harry had chosen were dim, golden, inoffensive to Molly’s slightly sensitive eyes, and the rain was tickling against the glass gently.

“Yeah.” Molly nodded, jutting her bottom lip out a little, making Harry chuckle.

“Oh dear, poor Lolly.” Harry sympathised enthusiastically. “Do you think you should book a doctors appointment?” Harry asked, stepping a little closer to Molly, rolling his bottom lip into his mouth and chewing on it a little.

“Nah I’m not registered here and I’m not going all the way home for what I’m certain is just a cold.” Molly shrugged, toying with the sleeves of her hoodie.

“You’re not registered here!?” Harry gawped his head shooting forward and his eyes widening enough to crease his forehead. Molly just shook her head. She’d just never bothered, never really gotten around to it, and she rarely went to the doctors anyway, it felt rather pointless. “You should register here, what if it wasn’t just a cold?” Harry pressed, folding his arms across himself loosely.

“Yeah but it is, so it doesn’t matter.” Molly assured, maintaining eye contact with Harry as she did so. Molly saw his jaw tighten and she knew he wanted to argue the point. It only took a second though and he seemed to decide it was pointless, sighing and letting the tension leak out of him until he seemed relaxed again.

“What if it gets worse?” Harry asked quietly, and it was Molly’s turn to roll her eyes.

“If it gets worse, which it won’t, it’s a cold, I’ll think about going to the doctors.” Molly bargained monotonously. Of course she appreciated the concern, but she still wished Harry would listen to her and trust her when she was telling him she was ok. She was. She had a cold, maybe a bad cold, but a cold nonetheless.

“Want a bath before dinner?” Harry offered and Molly was visibly taken back, but Harry didn’t seem fazed just walked past her and headed for the bathroom. Molly turned to watch him go, open the bathroom door and turn the light on. “I’ve got some bath oil that’s good for colds, and a couple candles, baths always help.” Harry was chatting away, head in the under sink cupboard when Molly rounded the bathroom door, peering in as Harry fell back onto his knees inspecting a small, brown glass bottle, a purple label across it. “How do you feel about lavender?” Harry asked, looking up to Molly from where he was sat.

“Sure, but you don’t have to do this, I’m happy just chilling on the couch with you for the evening.” Molly told him, her hands holding onto the door frame gently, tipping her head to rest against it too.

“Nah, a bath will do you good, I’ll rustle up some soup while you’re in here.” Harry told her as he got to his feet and flicked the bath taps on, flicking his finger tips under the stream to check the water. “If you don’t feel better after this, you really might have to go to the doctors.” Harry jested with a smirk.

“Best make it good then, cause I’m not going to the doctors.” Molly sung sarcastically, Harry just huffing a sort of laugh as he turned his head from Molly to the bath slowly filling with water.

The tub was huge, deeper than the grandiose bath in her mother and father’s ensuite that never got used. Molly sunk into the warm water, the lights dimmed and candles lit around the room, the way Harry had left it for her, before he called her back to the bathroom to get undressed for her bath. There was black fluffy towel on the radiator keeping warm for when she was done, and Harry had left a bottle of shower gel beside the bath for her as well, the same one from last time. He’d apologised for his lack of feminine scents, but Molly had told him she didn’t mind and actually quite liked the smell of his shower gel, which had left her blushing and eager to shut the door, and Harry smirking knowingly, reading between the lines the way he did so well.

Harry was of course right, the bath instantly eased the ache in her limbs and she felt lighter for it as she closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh. The lavender oils that was coming off the water, through the mountains of bubbles that covered Molly entirely, eased her stuffy nose a little and helped relax her entirely. Molly had never had a bath like it, but she doubted she could go back to the plain water baths she was used to. Baths had never been Molly’s thing, she’d always preferred showers, but baths like the ones Harry had drawn for her, she could get used to those.

It was so tranquil, and despite the cold, Molly had never felt so relaxed. There wasn’t a sound apart from the occasional ripple of the water as she moved, or a slight sound of Harry in the kitchen. For the first time in three days Molly genuinely felt ok, rather than that she was running on empty with a constant headache.

Slowly she opened her eyes. Molly had no idea how long she’d been laying in the bath, but the temperature of the water had started to drop. With a sigh she pulled herself up, but apparently a little too quickly as her vision took a moment to catch up with her head. Even when it did, it still felt fuzzy and a little light. Molly just shook her head and got to her feet stepping out of the bath and reaching for the towel all in one movement. It was as she was wrapping the towel around her dripping wet body though, that her vision started to blur and spot even more.

It was an unfamiliar sensation, like somewhere between lying in the bath and getting out of it she’d forgotten her head. It felt light and disassociated with her body. It sounded like her ear drums were humming, and there was a severe sensation of nausea in her throat. Molly reached out for the light switch and flicked it on, wondering if it was the oddly low lighting that was making her feel out of sorts. It made no odds though, if anything it made it worse, her head started to pound, harder than it had all day, as well as feel fuzzy and disconnected to anything tangible.

Steadily Molly sat herself on the closed toilet seat lid and took a few deep breaths. She’d heard about people passing out, but it had never happened to her before, she had an idea that was what happening though, or trying to happen as her head only felt stranger and more dark spots made their way over her vision. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, but that didn’t make the spots disappear, instead the outskirts of her vision just got dark and hazy too.

“Harry.” Molly called loudly, her heart rate increasing somewhat and her breathing getting faster along with it. There was a low ringing noise in her ear, but she couldn’t hear anything over it, unable to tell if Harry was coming or not she called for him louder. “Harry!” She cried, staring at the door waiting for it to open. Every part of her was shaking, though her skin felt clammy and hot.

“You ok?” Molly heard him shout through the door over the din in her noise. Of course he was being polite and wasn’t about to just barge through the door, but Molly half wished he would as she began to find it harder to see and breathe, panic setting in.

“I think I’m going to pass out.” Molly sputtered loudly, and then the door did swing open aggressively, flying nearly off its hinges as Harry rushed in. Through the dark parts of her vision and the spots Molly could just about make out the blurry edges of Harry coming towards her. Tears were beginning to gather in her eyes which only made it harder to make him out, until he was in front of her, kneeling on the tiles and holding her shoulders firmly. “I can’t see.” Molly shook, quaking under Harry’s grasp.

“It’s ok, you’re ok,” Harry started suredly, his grip on her holding her steady. “Put your head down.” Harry instructed moving to the side a little and encouraging her to bend over herself. One of his hands slid from the top of her arm along her back, resting across her spine, the large expanse of it covering a vast part of her middle back. She could feel the warmth from his wrist to the tips of his fingers but the shivering didn’t stop, and the nausea just kept rising and falling, as if on the worst rollercoaster of her life. “Lolly, relax, I’m here, I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.” There was promise in his voice, and Molly couldn’t, not believe him.

You’re ok. Molly repeated in her head, taking slow deep breaths and grounding herself in the feeling of her lungs filling and emptying as she did so, and Harry’s hand gentle but steady on her back. He’s here. She reminded herself, noting how she could just feel the softness of his breath on her bare shoulder, like candy floss brushing against her skin, but warmer. He’s not going to let anything happen to you. Steadily she lifted her head, her vision seemed to be coming back, the spots decreasing and the blurry edges solidifying again.

“Steady.” Harry advised, moving background in front of her as Molly lifted her head and blinked, slowly, a few times, bringing Harry into focus.

“It’s ok, I can see now.” Molly told him quietly, clearing her throat from how it had clenched up around the panic she’d felt.

“Your head?” Harry asked gently, his forearms resting on her bent knees so his hands could reach her arms and cradle them.

“Still a little light.” Molly told him.

“Feel sick?” He questioned, and Molly nodded. “Ok, just calm down for a sec.” Harry instructed relaxing a little bit as Molly began to swallow on nothing and calm herself down. Under his touch her skin was sticky from a light sweat, it didn’t worry him in the slightest though, he just brushed the pad of his thumb against her goose pimpled arms. “Bit low on sugar?” Harry guessed. “What did you eat today?” Molly thought back on her day. She hadn’t eaten with Amanda, or since then. That morning, she’d attempted a bowl of cereal but hadn’t got very far with it before deciding on an apple for breakfast. “Have you eaten today?”

“An apple.” Molly told him honestly, wincing a little, already expecting the reaction she would get.

“An apple!?” Harry shot. “Lolly, you’ve gotta eat? Why haven’t you eaten anything?”

“I just forgot.” Molly told him, again honestly. In the blur of meeting Amanda and getting to university only to get sent home, food hadn’t come to her mind. Apart from that, she didn’t exactly have an appetite.

“How do you forget to eat?” Harry sighed, shaking his head as his lips twisted a little. Molly just shrugged. “Nevermind, how’s your head feeling?”

“Better, just sore.” Molly told him, and Harry nodded.

“Come lie down for a minute.” Harry suggested, moving back and taking Molly’s hands. They stood up together hand in hand, Harry steading Molly with an arm around her middle once they were on their feet. Molly held the towel around herself with one hand, she had it tucked into itself, but she didn’t want it to fall down. As they were leaving the bathroom, Harry grabbed Molly’s clothes from where she’d folded them on the floor and led her out to his bedroom. “Just have a lie down for a bit.” Harry told her, his arm sliding from around her, though his other one still held onto one of hers as she sat down and swung around, lying back on the perfectly made bed. “I’ll just grab you some water.”

Harry disappeared from the bedroom and Molly made herself more comfortable, making sure she was well covered by the towel before he came back. It felt like two steps back, the bath had been glorious, but she felt worse that she had before thanks to the turn. When Harry came back seconds later with a large pint glass of water she smiled at him, scooting over so he could sit on the edge of the bed beside her.

“Just sip it.” He told her, handing the glass to Molly and taking the seat she’d made for him, as she thanked him . Molly did as she was asked taking a small sip and relishing in the ice cold water running down her throat. Harry watched, eyes scanning over her as if looking for marks or injuries. Of course there were none to find but even then the worried look didn’t run off his face easily. The concern was swimming in his eyes as he looked at Molly and tugged at his bottom lip with bare fingers. “I think you might be more ill than you think.” Harry pointed out.

“I’m fine,” Molly implored, enjoying the cold glass in her hand refreshing her clammy skin. “Just a funny five minutes.” She shrugged.

“You need to go to the doctors.” Harry asserted strongly, wide eyed and serious as he stared at Molly.

“Harry, I am not going all the way home for-”

“I’ll drive you.” Harry interrupted, twisting a little to face Molly properly. One of his legs bent to allow him a proper seat on the bed, his knee leaning on Molly’s leg gently.

“No, no, definitely not.” Molly told him shaking her head.

“Lolly-”

“Harry no, it’s four hours, you are not, I am not going home to the doctors end of conversation.” Molly told him, cutting him off before he could even try and barter with her.

“Loll-”

“Harry-”

“No listen to me.” Harry cut over her shrill annunciation of his name. Molly’s nostrils flared as she fumed, biting her jaw together and waiting for him to try and convince him to let her drive her home. She wouldn’t she knew that. “You are ill, you look exhausted, you sound like you smoke fifty a day, you nearly passed out in my bathroom, you need to see a doctor.” Harry told her, measured and calm.

“No Harry, it’s not happening, I will be fine, and you are not driving me all the way home, so just forget it.” Molly finished and it was Harry’s turn to tighten his jaw and flare his nostrils, clearly dissatisfied with Molly’s response. “You can’t keep doing this.” Molly told him, softening a little.

“I can.” Harry hissed, not dropping Molly’s eyes for a second as he did so.

“Well I’m putting my foot down this time.” Molly told him, not caring for his petulant attitude, or giving into it.

“Can we compromise?” Harry suggested gently.

“Depends.”

“If it gets worse-”

“It won’t.” Molly cut in, and Harry tilted his head at her, unimpressed with her unwillingness to even let him talk.

“If it’s no better by Thursday, you will book a doctors appointment and let me take you home.” Harry bargained pointedly. Molly sighed and fluttered her eyes a little.

“If it’s no better by Thursday, which it will be, I will consider booking an appointment ok?” Molly pledged with honest eyes. Of course she would keep to her word, but she knew she’d be feeling better by tomorrow morning, she was sure of it, so she knew it would never come to that. And all she’d promised was to consider it anyway. There was no way, come hell or high water, Molly intended on letting Harry drive her the four hours home for a doctors appointment.

“Fine.” Harry gave in sinking a little into the bed. His eyes were a little lazy, soft, despite his mild frustration. They made Molly want to grab his arm and pull him up the bed beside her. Of course she didn’t, she just stared into his butter wouldn’t melt gaze and tried not to lose her mind. “I’m gonna go finish dinner, you chill for a minute, take your time, no rush.” Harry smiled lightly standing slowly from the bed and glancing back at Molly, combing his hair back out of his face with long fingers.

“Thank you Harry, for all of this.” Molly told him, the constant feeling that she didn’t tell him enough, and never told him how it made her feel, or how much he meant to her, as present as ever.

“Anything for you Lolly.” Molly’s heart fluttered and sunk at the same time, as Harry offered her a warm smile before striding out of the room. There was no doubt in her mind that when Harry said anything he meant it literally, and she couldn’t help that the idea of that terrified her a little.

A/N Hey guys, hope you like this one as much as I do. Be sure to let me know if you do and what you think. Where do we think it’s going from here!?

If you missed them the instas for the last five chapters are up so be sure to check them out.

As always thanks for all the love on this so far, it really means a lot that you’re all enjoying it so much <3

Have a great weekend, Love I x

#dive #harry styles #harry styles au #harry fic #harry fluff #harry angst #1dff #harry styles fluff #harry styles fic #ask me anything #ask box open #talk to me

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tumblunni · 6 years

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...i have never been less hype and i hate it

i feel really guilty for not being happy when i mean these games are very pretty and all but all of it just seems to not be grabbing my happy when i got myself SO HYPED for the unlikelihood of something better

like man COME ON

come on man

TWELVE YEARS

almost 13!

sinnoh was fuckin due for a remake back when sun and moon got announced

ive been getting hype and dissappointed at every single goddamn announcement nintendo’s ever made for the last 4 years or so and it never happens and yet they keep teasing it why are there so many official tweets teasing sinnoh if its not fuckin happening im starting to lose hope that it will happen EVER

twelve. fucking. years.

like man we’re almost due for a goddamn unova remake by now!

like man fucking kanto got TWO REMAKES already

like man SINNOH IS THE REGION THAT MOST ACTUALLY NEEDS A REMAKE

its not just im nostalgic its that i want desperately for the generation i love to get any goddamn recognition at all. fuckin gold and silver were already beloved as the best generation even before their remake. ruby and sapphire got some unfair hate for the no transfer between games thing but that died immediately after the first remake happened. neither of them were in this unique situation where they were fuckin DEAD ON ARRIVAL and waiting TWELVE YEARS for resuscitation!

sinnoh failed ENTIRELY not on its lack of appeal as a generation but because of goddamn CONSOLE LIMITATIONS

it was slow, it was buggy, it had buddy green brown palettes, the wifi didnt work. all problems with it being an experimental first ds game by the company. it was fuckin HATED as the WORST GENERATION for so many years and it wasnt its goddamn fault and like seriously its only even become TOLERATED again because of this ‘sinnoh confirmed’ meme that NINTENDO FUCKIN REFERENCES AS IF THEYRE GONNA ACTUALLY DO IT ANY TIME IN THE NEXT DAMN DECADE

fuck i was more hyped for lets go than i am for this. like a second kanto remake was the thing i hated the most but at least it seemed original enough with the goofy new minigame for catching and loads of nice reveals like the return of following pokemon and stuff. this trailer didnt really say anything except hey its a new region hey the starters look generic as fuck. nothing to mitigate the dissappointment

and i feel AWFUL cos i know rationally that this is a great pretty game and nothing about it is actually bad yet and my only complaint is that i only like one out of three starters when i felt the same way about sinnoh itself. its just that feeling ‘meh its probably okay’ isnt what i hoped for. i hoped even if it wasnt what i wanted itd be something else equally as hype? just ‘meh’ has turned into ‘oh god no’ cos man ive been up for 48 hours getting hype for this shit why the fuck am i unable to not get hype even though i KNOW every goddamn time its a dissappointment and it has been for years and it will continue to be every goddamn time

like the highlight of the video was ‘oh an underground area maybe at least theyll bring back the sinnoh underground minigame in another country’

also.. uhh.. bags? i like the protagonist designs a lot and im happy to have the hiker bags cos srsly if i was in pokemon world i would absolutely want to go 100% ham in all ways possible AS YOU CAN SEE BY HOW I CONSTANTLY GET MYSELF TOO HYPED AND ALWAYS DISSAPPOINT MYSELF

and GOD i know im being predictable and i know that probably when i let the grumpiness wear off and get a few hours of sleep i’ll rewatch this and actually be able to notice all the lil details and get properly hype about things and probably by then we’ll know what country its meant to be based on and more info and stuff. like LOL i almost had a heart attack when there was some generally industrial looking stuff and a big ben esque clock tower like im sorry no i REALLY dont want poke-britain even though im british. its like the most cliche generic idea for a region and following on from a great region that gave representation to a nation historically mistreated by britain and america im kinda like hey can we not. like britain region was everyone’s immediate idea for the next ‘white region’ after unova happened and i was still dissappointed that we got france after that and pleasantly surprised that theyd even THINK of doing a non-white western country like hawaii! and it was really great and had loads of stuff based on hawaiian culture and even taught you some hawaiian words and local foods and stuff!! i dont wanna learn about my own country through the sanitized false ‘child friendly’ idea of us being all knights and stuff AS IF IT WAS A GOOD THING. So yeah im not sure what other european country this might be, the outfits make me say possibly holland? but im just real glad that someone other than britain gets to be ‘sword and shield’ and the only british representation we get is thematic elements being used for the design of team plasma’s uniforms. yes thank you we were fuckin colonialist pigs please never glorify our military ever again in any fiction. please never put a sword anywhere near fiction britain unless youre ready to talk about how many indigenous cultures we slaughtered. SORRY IM KINDA GOING OFF ON ONE!! im not like ‘never put my country in pokemon ever’ but if theres any form of specifically HISTORICAL CONTENT in the pokemon version then HOO BOY it would need to be handled carefully and the name sword and shield does not bode well for that so FUCK YES please be holland, please be the other place that has a lot of picturesque farm scenery and also better hiking and also literally everything. it cant be britain cos if it was britain we’d definately have a fuckin sheep or somethin for a starter. srsly tho i am very confused by the big ben looking place, am i just bad at geography and dont know about a similar clock tower in holland that is also associated with red brick industrial buildings and mines? i hope so! either that or maybe its like a combination region of multiple european countries? but thatd be weird since france got to be its own thing. tho honestly i would like it if britain got COMPLETELY ignored except to be one single town that contains the underground minigame, lol

please be holland i love you holland please save me from my rambling awful post WHY THE FUCK am i getting so bad at recognising geography oh yeh cos i havent slept in ages

i love the big bags and the rabbit starter is something ive wanted since i was a lil kid. those are two positives. holland is a third. and its super pretty. okay. i can see all the positive things individually but still somehow my net reaction is a meh because i got too hyped for the wrong thing and also kinda got jumpscared by almost maybe britain I AM SO GLAD IT IS NOT

theory: pokemon world is so idealized and wonderful and beyond us in technology and equality and etc because britain never existed in this universe.

holland stabbed it with a sword

the end

#pokemon spoilers #im so tired nintendo #nintendoooo

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flippinoptimist · 7 years

Text

> Vel / Sawbones, pt 1

#Alternate Selves #ooc eyes only #parasite mention/#slavery mention/#an incomplete log that is still in progress

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attina-the-responsible · 7 years

Text

How to Deal with the Aftermath According to Mermaids ~*~ [Mersisters]

In which the sisters check in...

@andrina-the-amazingsupergenius, @aquata-the-bold, @alana-the-badbitch, @ariel-the-rebellious

[tw -- mentions of murder and horrible stuff like that, ptsd, some gore, etc etc]

Andrina so how long until i can make hell puns

Aquata go for it, just start them now Aquata for real though, is everyone good?

Alana just dandy

Attina mhm mhm

Alana the real question is how is andrina Alana how was married life

Andrina god thank u i was waiting for someone to ask Andrina its not like i was MARRIED TO AL MCWIGGIN OR ANYTHING Andrina imagine being married to a WOW avatar Andrina thats what it was like

Attina don't they normally have nice bodies?

Alana Hey dad bods are in

Andrina im not even talking about the body im talking about how they talk and think and act and hammer at swords Andrina i swear it was like i was transported into an episode of Game of Thrones

Attina sounds harrowing

Ariel Do we have to talk about it?

Alana I want all the nitty gritty mcwiggin sex details

Andrina well we could shove it down for years until we all start manifesting split personalities and other mental disorders

Attina honestly,

Andrina u know like we did with mom lmao

Attina we don't have disorders. or split personalities.

Ariel Please don't talk about Mom.

Aquata sure we don't

Alana we r all dandy Alana that's my word of the week

Andrina i didnt talk about mom i mentioned her off hand as an example Andrina im all set to talk about how great i looked in that toga Andrina or honestly alana did you tap that

Attina andrina.

Andrina WHAT its an honest question Andrina if im gonna talk about mcwiggin i want Hot Daddy Ginger details

Alana duh

Attina alana! how /old/ is that man?

Alana idk it didnt come up Alana your age lol? Alana he was my husband, atty we were in love~~

Andrina mcwiggin's older than me i think

Attina were you in love? like--other you?

Alana other me was sold off because it was a good match Alana and she enjoyed the lavish lifestyle and the hot dude idk man

Andrina you know what i should have asked

Alana real me was like oh man what if im stuck here might as well have fun Alana carpet matches the drapes yes

Andrina how much they paid for me Andrina really?? im insatiably curious

Ariel They didn't really pay for us. I mean, not real them

Alana al was p rich you mustve been a catch

Andrina yeah i wanna know how many goats/bags of wheat/coins i went for Andrina do you think al knows Andrina do u think if i text him it would be weird Andrina "hi how much did u pay for me"

Alana no do it Alana i bet you were at least two goats

Attina it wasn't even our husbands who paid, it was their owners Attina GOD owners.

Andrina wow two whole goats, how many meals can u get outta goats Andrina omg guys my master was quite fit actually he was A Big Deal

Alana ider who mine were--uh Alana lmaoo #awkward

Ariel He didn't own you. It wasn't real. Dash wouldn't want to own anybody, and his family wouldn't either Ariel It was all like a bad dream I just Ariel want to forget it

Attina [unsent] well maybe if you hadn't RAN AWAY you would've been FINE

Alana did howl throw a party too big Alana i heard it was a rager Alana wouldve gone if Ginger Daddy and i didnt have other evening plans

Andrina ariel couldn't you have just had some of that water then? Andrina seriously i have some if you want it

Ariel I don't... I don't know. I want to forget but... I don't want to forget all of it. I have some water too, just in case, but... I really don't know. I don't want to be like you said. I don't want to repress it again.

Alana what are u repressing was this that bad Alana i mean the escort thing was hella annoying

Ariel I don't want to talk about it.

Andrina ariel, i get that, i do but-- you realize that is repressing it too right?

Aquata then why keep bringing it up

Alana ^^

Ariel I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk about it and I want to forget it but I don't want to forget everything because that's not going to help either I just didn't realize thinking about Mom would hurt this much Ariel I'm sorry

Andrina well i think we should all talk about it then. rip it off like a bandaid

Ariel I didn't know I would see her down there Ariel I didn't know I would see

Alana you didnt know you would see our dead mum in the land of the dead

Aquata ....

Ariel I didn't think I would watch her die.

Alana [unsent] lmao same tho but not mum ok woops nope Alana it was one of the Alana idk underworld things

Ariel Over and over again and I couldn't stop it.

Alana they play tricks on you so ive heard in the gossip train

Andrina oh right like it wasnt real it wasnt how she actually died

Ariel But what if it was? Ariel It was so awful Ariel It's all I can see, just replaying and replaying over and over

Aquata then drink the water

Alana yeah jeez Alana no point in being noble if you cant lift your own head up

Ariel But then I'll forget the good things, too.

Andrina how about you tell us all the good things?

Alana such as,,

Ariel The good things that happened and all the good stuff I remembered.

Andrina you write them down for yourself

Alana very detailed

Andrina then you'll still have them. you can remind yourself and we can tell you that its real

Ariel But can you tell me how it felt? All those memories with Jim being so nice to me and helping me and playing with me when we were younger and telling me that he would keep me safe? Ariel Can you tell me about how Jim was there for me every step of the way? Ariel How can you explain how good of a person he was to me if you can't tell me about seeing Mom's death?

Aquata holy shit it was a fake life you know him in real life, right? you know what hes like already

Alana look kiddo, that's the stuff you gotta let go of because that was some fake mumbo jumbo past that we all got stuck with

Andrina That's why you write it all down and you tell yourself. Andrina and honestly yeah-- that isnt the real jim and you should like jim for jim, not for fake jim.

Ariel But it was real Jim that was there with me in hell

Aquata i was engaged but whatever

Ariel I mean - it was Pleiades too, but it was also Jim

Aquata HOLY SHIT NO IT WASNT Aquata IT Aquata WAS Aquata FAKE

Alana yah thank god or andrina and al would be banging

Aquata that crazy bitch created it. it wasnt real. end of story.

Andrina the horror, the horror,

Ariel Jim being with me in hell wasn't FAKE, it was REAL. I was there. I saw it and felt it all, and so did he. The past lives may have been fake but what we went through was REAL

Andrina Seriously-- I think you should write down the stuff that you like then. I do. Jim will understand that the other stuff is just too painful to death with right now. He'd want you to be okay, Ariel, however you need to be okay.

Alana ariel i have no bloody idea what you want us to tell you that andrina has not repeated ten times now

Aquata then do what andy said, write down the good memories, and drink the damn water because you cant complain about the bad and then immediately not want to forget the good

Alana atty where r u we need parental guidance

Andrina ok chill out aquata she can complain if she wants Andrina we dont need atty to be decent fucking sisters

Alana she listens to atty

Ariel It's okay, nevermind. I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it

Alana so i think itll mean more coming from her Alana fineee just trying to help

Andrina Ariel, it's not okay. Look, if you don't want to forget about it, then thats' fine. If you want to like, talk about it and stuff, we should talk about it. I joke but yeah it wasnt exactly fun not knowing where my sisters were and watching daily executions by some whacked out nutjob

Andrina so you can talk to me ok

Ariel I just want to know how you guys have done this for so long

Alana done what

Attina Look, everyone. Nothing about this experience was something anyone has gone through before. Which means we have no idea how to deal with it and YELLING at each other isn't the way to fix it. We need to be patient and understanding towards one another. Ariel, I'm so sorry about what you went through. But, you have to realize that you hurt us by LEAVING. You didn't tell anyone where you were. I thought you were dead. Daddy thought you were dead. I thought I'd lost you and I don't know exactly what went on for you but for a good twelve hours, all /I/ could see was /you/ dying over and over in a thousand different ways. We need to come /together/, and be open and willing to talk to each other during times like this. Otherwise we'll just splinter apart, and I know none of you want that.

Alana oh there u r

Ariel I thought I was doing the right thing. Not telling anyone I was going. I didn't want anyone to worry. I just wanted to go and save everyone, but I couldn't

Attina No. You couldn't. Because we're supposed to make these decisions /together/ as a family. We're weak apart.

Aquata we're not weak

Ariel I don't believe that

Alana whoa okay speak for yourself Alana that was for atty not u ariel

Andrina look im just so glad that you're okay and im proud of you for trying ariel. we shouldn't be talking about any of this over text though

Attina and this is exactly why all of you get into trouble!

Ariel I don't know how else to talk about it Ariel No one ever does

Andrina well that means we can't do it wrong huh? we'll all just kinda fumble it up together but at least we'll be in the same room

Ariel If I get into trouble for trying to save you all, then I'm fine with that!

Alana better get into trouble than be boring

Attina I'd rather be boring and alive than whatever you think you're being and /dead/.

Alana im not sure who youre yelling at here because im not the one who ran off into the land of the dead Alana theres a difference between oh lana broke curfew and oh ariel and kid hero jim hawkins decide to save the world

Andrina can we like not yell at each other at all how about that Andrina whats done is done

Ariel If Attina would stop pretending she knows everything, maybe there wouldn't be any yelling

Aquata holy shit

Alana i think you scared her off ariel

Andrina i hereby move to wipe this text history and start over Andrina who seconds my motion

Ariel I didn't want to scare her off, she just was talking like I didn't know what I was doing

Attina I don't think I know everything, but I know not to run off to HELL to try to save the world on some selfish delusion of grandeur.

Ariel I knew what I was doing

Alana ohp too late andy

Attina oh really, is that why you're so terrified you can barely speak?

Ariel I wasn't being SELFISH, I was trying to SAVE everyone. To save YOU. And Aquata and Alana and Andrina and Arista and Adella and Daddy and myself Ariel EVERYONE

Attina BULLSHIT ariel, we were perfectly fine.

Ariel You were SLAVES Ariel we were SLAVES Ariel people were in a JAIL in PRISON Ariel people were EXECUTED Ariel How could you even say that?

Attina THOSE PEOPLE WEREN'T /US/ THEY DON'T MATTER

Alana this isnt some YA book a 17 year old does not save the day Alana i mean realistically

Ariel Of course they matter!

Alana if you wanna do something you gotta work within your means

Ariel Why are our lives more valuable than anyone else's??

Alana cold, atty

Ariel I can't believe you would even say that!!! Ariel What if Paul had been in prison?? His life doesn't matter???

Attina not as much as yours, or any of you.

Ariel That's not right

Attina and i'm sure he'd say the same thing. his babies are more important than me to him. which is how it should be.

Andrina glad we're casually debating morals and ethics

Alana anyone want a face mask

Ariel I'm not going to apologize for doing what I thought was the right thing, for trying to help everyone

Aquata how about a shot instead

Alana im game

Attina I'll take that shot.

Andrina this reminds me of something my darling mcwiggin said to me

Attina Or two or three. Attina just give me the whole bottle.

Aquata or the whole bottle

Alana jinx now you guys cant talk till i say your name

Aquata too bad

Alana what did mcwiggin say

Andrina nice, digital high five

Alana wow now you get 7 years of bad luck aqua :C

Andrina he said, andrina, you are the most beautiful creature i've ever seen Andrina (we'd just finished making love under the sunset) Andrina and i was like u know what al tiberius mcwiggen

Aquata shit im doomed forever

Alana that's poetic

Andrina you're right.

Attina now i need two bottles

Alana next movie night's gonna be awkward when we pick up the dvd

Aquata you need to go hit him up andy Aquata were sending you to get it

Andrina alas, it cannot be Andrina he has another lover

Ariel Maybe if she gets drunk she'll actually step off her high horse and say something that doesn't involve her knowing what's best and always being right

Aquata for fucks sake

Alana i h8 to break it to you ariel but atty has like nine years more experience of like existing in the world Alana and interacting with it

Ariel That doesn't make her right about everything

Attina Whatever, Ariel. You're the one who needs to come off your high horse. Don't come crying to me when someone knocks you off it.

Alana makes her more right when it comes to dealing with shit

Ariel I won't. You'd just yell at me, anyways. It's all you know how to do.

Alana thats not true she cleans very well

Andrina she also makes killer lemon squares

Attina Well if you weren't a brat, then I wouldn't yell at you.

Andrina probably not as delicious as the delicacies that al tiberius mcwiggin purchased for me from the market but close

Alana you gotta hit him up

Ariel I'm not being a BRAT, don't CALL me that

Andrina he has another LOVER what am i to do

Alana flash your tits Alana age old triton advice

Aquata does he /really/ though

Andrina he doesnt like me for my tits 😟 Andrina he likes me for my personality 😟

Alana gasp Alana the horror

Andrina i know tbh maybe he's gay Andrina no he's not he made wild and passionate love to me

Alana did u guys like Alana do it as yourselves

Attina Well, stop acting like one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Andrina 69

Alana like not fake selves

Andrina corkscrew Andrina monkey Andrina koala

Alana koala

Andrina all that and more

Alana nice use of the shrug emoji, atty Alana 10/10

Ariel I am NOT acting like one! You can't keep treating me like I don't know anything and like you know everything because you DON'T. Just because you're older that doesn't make you all wise or something. In fact, most of the time you don't know what to do - you can't even flirt with a boy and you're way older than I am! Ariel So STOP being such a rude, bossy know-it-all, I'm sick of it!

Aquata ummm im pretty sure she /can/ flirt with a boy considering shes been on a couple dates with paul?

Alana ouch ariel low blow

Aquata thats neither here nor there though

Andrina oh right we also did the flying ninja Andrina his form was impeccable Andrina for such a robust man, he's graceful in the bedroom

Attina Fine, if you want me to stop babying you. FINE. Consider it done. You're officially NOT MY CONCERN.

Alana i did not need that imagery thanks

Ariel GOOD. I don't NEED to be your concern. I SHOULDN'T be.

Alana is THIS random CAPS thing something WE'RE doing NOW

Andrina hOW exCitING

Aquata can we not

Ariel You moved out. I already have to deal with Daddy. I shouldn't have to deal with you BOSSING me around and saying you know best like this. You're not Mom

Alana low blow ariel

Aquata so about that shot Aquata or bottle

Alana i can swing by ur room in 5, aqua Alana i have malibu

Aquata get here in 2 then Aquata because i need the entire bottle rn

Alana so demanding Alana omw

#bdrpandrina #bdrpadella #bdrparista #bdrpaquata #bdrpalana #coral #attilla #attista #aquafina #atlanta #coral texts #attilla texts #attista texts #aquafina texts #atlanta texts #texts #how to deal with the aftermath according to mermaids #ariel archive

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years

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ohh my god all the Dress Code and Gender Norms stuff......for some reason most of our middle school experience seemed to be the most arbitrary shit like another teachers personal vendetta against anyone using a messenger bag. there was like one pair of girls who would do stuff like hold hands but somehow nobody really cared, teacher-wise anyway, maybe because they also had the mutual act between themselves of like "being weird" and always joking with each other, so possibly everyone was just dismissing it as a Weird Joke instead of the gay agenda. i mean even students didn't really care beyond people being like "ugh gay" because our middle school years were right on the cusp of people who used to say "thats gay" as an unironic insult but also kids starting to realize that gay people were real and you didnt have to pretend to think it was a big deal and disgusting and etc. i mean i remember even mostly in elementary school it was the scenario where people understood "gay" as a universal insult before they understood the actual definition and even when they learned what it meant it was more like giggling whispering than anyone on the anti gay warpath. like i think someone tried to tell me what lesbian meant in the hallway in third grade like its a general secret, as a precise parallel to this kid in like first grade saying he knew a bad word and writing a tiny "fuck" on the top of his worksheet to share the knowledge it was a wild time but by middle school none of the students really seemed to care about anything even if there were still shitty undercurrents......nobody even hardly fought or got bullied, when you did you could literally just ignore it fairly easily. and i guess the teachers were mostly just focused on ketchup? like middle school is kind of a formative time both socially and educationally but it also manages to be useless. and then theres high school but you know. my brother is 4 yrs younger and by the time he was like a junior/senior in high school people seemed a lot less shitty about stuff like gender rules and straightness, he was a bi theater-ish kid who took a cosmetology class for fun and he was pretty much straightforward a popular kid the whole time. and i mean he and his friends would independently be texting each other about institutional racism so, despite there still being shitheads obviously the overall quality of the actual students is going up. i honestly think its great that like, for me it seemed like everyone was figuring out they were allowed to not be straight around like mid to late teens, and now people in the earliest teens and even younger are already cool with not being cishet and etc. its the whole thing of like, people pointing out that ppl like to make fun of the Embarrassing Early Teen Blogger who has like twelve terms for their identity, but honestly thats pretty great considering how not-that-long ago ppl in the same age group weren't allowed to have any confidence about their identity, especially if it Deviated From The Norm / proper school guidelines and etc not that people arent still shit and like, especially school staff and rules and grownass adults still being shit about how anything thats not straight and cis and white enough = inappropriate for school and for life, but when it comes to the students themselves in middle school / high school age, i had a pretty Could-Be-A-Lot-Worse experience of people not caring / starting to get an inkling that it was fine if everyone wasnt straight and etc yet still had people saying "thats gay" and thinking it was funny, and the next set of students already seemed a lot better than that, and as far as i can tell its already more common for the preteen/teen people themselves to be even better even sooner. nice if the people like vice principals would change up as often as the student body but the point is that honestly teens are doing great, way better than a lot the people in the age group working at the schools they have to go through anyways. the classic "people are learning things about being people like a decade earlier than they used to and thats great" thing. like thank god for that and good for everyone

#unnecessarily long reply #that vp is shit #we had a really good middle school principle but she left my last year ugh

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asksansweredpdf · 5 years

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flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? i feel like it was teenage rebel - chameleon circuit hahaha

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? well, i often do tarot spreads for this. but i guess i would ask - you know. i’m not sure

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? literally just surviving it all

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? maybe a few work ones, or the time not long ago i was put in a group assignment for uni. we all decided to meet up after our group presentation for drinks and hang out and i had a really fun time making new friends and hanging out with people

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? oh man i would have WAY less anxiety about everything. knowing that nothing i do will matter in a year would be so freeing and liberating. i’d probably get a new job and actually get my motorbike license and go for rides

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? i don’t have a bucket list but i’ll try to think of 3 things i’d like to do before i die -

this has been in my drafts for days and i honestly can’t think of a thing.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? nope

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? honestly i can’t remember. oh! i think maybe 6 months ago i got high and started over thinking and got sad and started crying. my roommate walked past because i forgot i had the door open and hugged me and then left after a bit

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. ideally, it’d be a close friend. but i dont have those. so maybe if i could go back in time and stargaze with an old friend. otherwise, my current friend hj is cool! actually, i’d love to get high and stargaze with him.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? i have before. but no, i wouldn’t now. i’m not like that anymore

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? it was 4 months ago, with my old best friend’s ex-boyfriend (i think they broke up? i dont talk to either of them anymore). i used to be close to him anyway, like we were also best friends. and we used to be roommates.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d love to look my mother in the eyes and say “i’ll never forgive you” but. it doesn’t feel right as much as i mean it. i guess i’d like to say it to both my parents. but i have to pick one person. .... i guess i would get my old best friend who i havent spoken to in 6 years and say “i’m sorry. i missed you for years. i’ll always love you” or something equally dramatic

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? i have them and i love them. they’re so beautiful

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. i’m picking a few because fuck the police “being human is a condition that requires a little anaesthesia” was from the bohrap movie. relatable mood. reminds me of my mother which makes me uncomfortable “fall down 7 times, stand up 8. higher, further, faster” from captain marvel. i’ve been through soooo much fucking shit in my life. and i feel like it just keeps coming (well. the shit keeps coming and it don’t stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming) and sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is. like what’s the point of trying to be happy when i’m just going to be let down again. and so it’s encouraging to change perspective from that to, we get up higher, further, faster

“my skin has gone from porcelain, to ivory, to steel” - sansa stark it ties in with the captain marvel one. in that shit just keeps happening. and i feel the same way. i used to be so free and naive and i’m not that person anymore. i guess it makes me feel less alone.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? “

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? buy a house for myself, buy a few investment properties so that i know i’m always secure financially. put a couple million in the bank. buy houses for my friends and family, donate the rest

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? yes and yes. i feel like i’m really understanding, and so i forgive people when it’s understandable. but once it’s past a certain point, i’m not at all forgiving. i hold grudges too. i like being this way

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. “hey kid. happy birthday! well, this is where things start to get really hard. you’re going to go through a lot even though you think you won’t. people are going to leave you and treat you despicably and betray you. almost everyone you love will completely screw you over. you will have no one to count on except yourself. i’m not saying this to scare you. but i want you to know that even when you feel like it’s too much to handle, you’re so much stronger than you’ll even realise. you have so much turmoil ahead of you, but i love you so much. you’ll come out the other end with anxiety and so scarred. but you’ll survive it. all of it. you’ll survive. there’s no lesson or greater purpose. i’m not going to tell you that it all happens for a reason, because it doesn’t. just trust that you have what’s in you to face anything. once day this will all feel like a bad dream and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. best of luck. ps there is no god”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. love them both. they’re hot and cool

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? nah, i only wear make up to work. and that’s because i work in sales. part of getting people to like you is being attractive. make up makes you more attractive. when people like you, you have more influence over them and you make more sales

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. runaway by pink. that song just. what a mood. and family portrait. i relate to both of those songs so much. even when i was going through shit, i had that song that i could sing and even though things were never okay, they made it bearable

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. be kind to each other?

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. 1st was a pink concert i went to when i was 15! we were super poor so this was a major deal. i waited in line for ages and my back started hurting real bad. but as soon as she got on stage everything went away. it was electrifying and she performed my favourite song. and i had eyeliner on which i cried off because she was my idol and it was amazing. her dancers were also super hot and i re-affirmed my bisexuality because i was like. wow. yes 2nd was lana & borns. my sister made me go with her to see lana del rey who i dont really give a shit about. she’s cool but im not like a major fan. borns however, i adore with every fibre of my being. borns was the opening act which was cute. i was one of the only ones in the crowd who knew him and everyone behind me was like gasping and talking about how cute he is. which also re-affirmed my sexuality. up until that point i thought that maybe i was a lesbian because i didn’t tend to find men too attractive. but borns? nope, i knew i was bi. then lana came on. it was okay. i knew a fair amount of the songs and apparently pissed everyone off by singing? i just thought that’s what you did at concerts dsjgdslkr but i had fun.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love to get a letter from an old best friend of mine saying sorry & that we should catch up. i feel like i havent had a friendship as full of connection as the one we’ve had. it’s been years and i still dont have anyone that could possibly replace her. but i worry that if we ever did try to re-kindle things it just wouldnt work out. which would lead me to ask myself if there was ever going to be anyone else who i’ll have that connection with. but it’d be nice at least

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? i don’t have a desk! i had one for about 3 months and it was organised. i was always too poor to afford a desk and it just wasnt a priority when i used my bed

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? go upstairs, lay in bed, read .... words, stay up until my eyes are closing for me. sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? my parents opinion literally means nothing to me. i wouldn’t care what they do/don’t know. i guess id prefer if they didnt know about the drugs because my mum did them a lot and it led to her being abusive. so they’d be suuuper judgy and probably take them off me and shit. but once im moved out, i dont really care. they wont be able to do much about it

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? i’d love to have a shaved thing. my hair’s already short. but my dad’s homophobic and doesnt want me to get it short. i dont give enough of a shit about it to argue with him so i leave it. but if i could, having a cool shaved thing would be nice

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? i dont think i even have 5 friends, and if i do, we certainly don’t have fun together. i’d just go by myself. i’m lots of fun to be around when it’s just me

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. i wish for a job that has stable income, consistent hours, a kind staff, and is something that i’m not constantly fucking up. - i wish for this because i feel like getting up every day to do something that doesn’t give me panic attacks (that i might even be able to enjoy) is such a dream. and if it gives a stable amount of money and hours, i’d be able to plan things and have a life instead of worrying about them calling me at literally any given moment and asking me to work. which means i’d either have to work or stammer out an excuse on the spot & have the managers be mad at me i wish for a living space that i can afford & is either by myself or with people who aren’t terrible. or with people who can’t fuck me over if they get mad at me. this would step 2 of being happy for me. having a job that doesn’t make me anxious = job that could make me happy. living space that is secure and mine and that no one can take away = reduction of anxiety and security = potentially being happy. i guess i’d use the 3rd wish on having a car or motorbike. being able to get around without relying on anyone or public transport would be nice. i can go to places whenever it suits me and i’d be independent. i can just decide to go to an art gallery without it having to be a major planning thing or something that would take 2 hours to get to and from. it’d be very liberating

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. omg! last halloween. i borrowed an old friend’s witch costume. it was this cute corseted dress with a mini skirt & suspenders that attach to stockings. i bought a matching wand and witches hat. i looked super cute

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? i havent done terrible things under the influence hey. i mostly just have fun and keep to myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? i dunno man. one million dollars is a lot of money. surely any of my usual morals would fly out the window. murder would become questionable. like it’s $1 million. i guess maybe not murder because if i went to jail then i wouldnt be able to spend the $1m. mass murder of like children and innocent people i probably wouldnt do. even if i got away with it

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? 1 song would be maybe americans - janelle monae. it’s a tune and you can listen to it for any mood really 1 person? i’ve purposefully gotten rid of any person i would want to only see for the rest of my life. not in a murder way, i just cut ties with them

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. many a time. it’s a really nice thing! not just romantically. but for me, i just suddenly can’t stop thinking about them. like every spare second i have i’m wondering what they’re doing, thinking about our inside jokes, planning what i’ll say next, wondering what to wear to impress them next, planning how i’m going to work this funny story i want to tell them, etc. and i won’t be able to stop smiling whenever they’re around. the worst giveaway for me is when i can feel myself excessively talking to other people about them. and i can’t stop. it gives me something to think about that makes me happy. something that makes me happy to distract from usually the shitter things.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i am a girl and i have really really short hair. i rock it. i also rock black nail polish

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? i hate coffee. so i usually order a white hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows. i’d trust anyone to order it for me. as long as they didn’t screw up and get me the white chocolate mocha, which has happened a few times

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? alcohol. music! probbaly music before alcohol. i love music. cigarettes. and my phone

#mine

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