#me when the npd rage. <3

[uniquezombiedestiny]

im so normal about vera. anyways heres working for the knife lyric analysis (TY MIKA)

---

I cry at the start of every movie - she's a passionate/emotional person (not the biggest reason for it, but it's related, and does tie into the main reason).

I guess 'cause I wish I was making things too - she wishes she could make permanent or big things, like pursuing art as a career. she also just wants to be childish and carefree, bc she never truly got a chance in the index. she was kidlike and happy, but never really a child.

But I'm working for the knife - the timeloop prevents from this, and so does the nature of l corp. everyone ie exposed to terrifying horrors, people die, people become jaded. she was just naive with her hopes.

I used to think I would tell stories - she did storytell as a hobby in the index <:)

But nobody cared for the stories I had about

No good guys - everyone has changed. none of c127 were really good people. and at the same time, noone cares for happy stories. noone cares for fairytales and only happiness. just kids would.

I always knew the world moves on - people change, grow, etc.

I just didn't know it would go without me - everyone in c127 changed drastically. she wanted everyone to stay together, be friends, be happy. everyone became unhappy and cold and cynical. she's the only one left behind. the only one wanting to go back (this is probably a lie honestly. even she turned cynical, just only on the inside).

I start the day high and it ends so low - she begins in her magical girl persona and ends as her true self - how she really feels beneath the blinding positivity.

'Cause I'm working for the knife - because of l corp's nature and the timeloop. really, because of self-hatred.

I used to think I'd be done by twenty

Now at twenty-nine, the road ahead appears the same - guess what? its the timeloop baby. she's repeating things over and over to try and find her happy ending.

Though maybe at thirty, I'll see a way to change - but maybe it'll change, even slightly. maybe she'll have an epiphany. maybe she'll change herself in the way she needs to to fix this. she cant just go back, after all!

That I'm living for the knife - she's bound by the timeloops. she binds herself to it of her own will because she cares so much. she's living for this. this is all her life is anymore - lobotomy corp. is all she has. if she left, she'd just have the index... and she can't be wrong after all this time!

I always thought the choice was mine

And I was right, but I just chose wrong - a part of her says it was wrong to care. she should've known her hopes were just naive fantasies. leaving the index was a stupid decision. she's just been wrong the whole time! like a kid!

I start the day lying and end with the truth - she starts with the happy magical girl persona, the childlike naivety, and ends with her hopelessness and anger. it's unfair - both in the way of a kid's yelling and a parent's teaching. life just isn't fair! yep. life's not fair, kid.

That I'm dying for the knife - the timeloop has killed her thousands of times and she will die a thousand more times. she is living and dying for this. she's dying literally, but also in the sense of like. eagerness. she wants this. because one day it has to work out. one day things have to change. one day she'll be right and it all will have been worth it. she lives exactly by the loops' rules, returning to it night and day like a lover.

[kindnessoverperfection]

Feel free to ignore this, but I'm a disabled writer who tends to focus on representation in my works, and I came across your posts about having npd while doing research for a side character in a story of mine. I really appreciate you taking the time to write out a description of npd that shows the roots of the issues and the way they affect the people who have it rather than how outsiders perceive it. I just wanted to ask if there were any traits of npd that you personally would like to see in npd representation/ if you have any thoughts on how you'd like to see characters with npd represented in media? I know at current there's basically no positive npd rep, which sucks for sure, but in a hypothetical situation where there was a character with npd who wasn't villianized for it, what sort of aspects of npd would be comforting for you to see reflected in a story?

Once again, feel free to ignore this ask if I'm overstepping at all, and I hope you have a wonderful day <3

Hi!! ♡ Apologies for the late reply, I wasn't on tumblr for a few days, then my alter was out for the next couple days and I wanted to be the one to respond-

I really appreciate that you're taking the time to research and create thoughtful representation, and I'm glad my posts could offer some help with that!

My first two thoughts are:

Characters whose symptoms present differently than the common portrayal of NPD

It's super common for people to not recognize NPD because they have this very limited view of what it is and how it can present - so it would be nice to see representation that shows variety in the way it can manifest.

For example, it's actually very common for someone with the disorder to primarily "lash in" rather than "lash out", but I never see that represented (intentionally, at least).

There's also a very limited perception of narcissistic characters being blatantly arrogant, grandiose, braggy, selfish, power-hungry, etc. But really, there's an unlimited number of ways someone can present outwardly, because the only thing that's crucial to the diagnosis is the internal experience - how if affects the person who has it. How they appear outwardly to others can vary wildly.

(I'll admit, some of these "stereotypical NPD" characters feel very relatable due to shared symptoms and vibes and power fantasies. To the extent that I have one of them as my pfp on some accounts lol. But if you met me IRL, my vibes are just "confident and bubbly, polite, quiet and distant, fashion-oriented, straight A student, cutesy, braggy, adventurous", and I always make the effort to be kind to people even though I can be somewhat distant and goal-oriented.)

It's also common to think of someone "flying into a rage" when they feel criticized - but anger (whether external or internal) isn't an inherent part of it. The issue is that someone perceives criticism as a threat, so their fight/flight/freeze/fawn response kicks in, and there's a large multitude of ways that can show up.

(Personally, I go into either fight or fawn mode. But the vast majority of the anger I've felt has been entirely self-directed, manifesting in the form of self-criticism, self-hatred, self-destruction, overworking, eating disorders, etc. I will occasionally feel outwards anger, but when I do, I give myself time and space to process it by myself so that I don't upset anyone. And even for those who feel external anger much more often than I do, it doesn't mean they'll express it in an aggressive or harmful way.)

tldr; I'd love to see a variety of outwards presentations, with the NPD being shown via their internal experience, rather than only displayed through stereotypical external behaviors.

2. Humanization for characters with NPD who make mistakes

People with NPD are human just like everyone else, which means that mistakes happen. Everyone accidentally fucks up, hurts someone, lacks self-awareness in certain areas, etc.

The level and type of interpersonal struggles, and the reasons behind these struggles, are all across the board. That's understood with any other disorder (or any sort of identity), but there's so much extra baggage and stigma applied when NPD is involved for some reason.

So for characters with NPD with higher interpersonal conflict, I'd want them to be humanized in the same way that anyone else with any other identity would be humanized. And I'd also want it shown that characters who don't have NPD can have high interpersonal conflict as well, that it's not limited to this disorder.

"what sort of aspects of npd would be comforting for you to see reflected in a story?"

In terms of specific aspects-

Personally, I'd love to see a character who like... tries to be perfect. Is externally very put-together in some way - maybe they're very kind and soft-spoken and sweet, or they're silly and happy and energetic, or they're quiet and serious and protective, or calm and mysterious and self-assured, doesn't matter. But everything seems okay on the surface.

But internally, they put so much pressure on themself. They hold themself to impossible standards, and feel like they HAVE to be seen a certain way and never show weakness. They have to handle everything perfectly. Just... so many symptoms and struggles that are hurting them internally, and overtime it ends up bubbling out in small ways, or like. Tbh I'd love it if someone would just... notice.

Notice the perfect bubbly happy straight-A student who's always kind and never shares their own opinions. Notice the quiet, highly-skilled protector of the group who somehow always knows the right thing to say and the right way to act.

And give them permission to be imperfect. To be human. Show them that they aren't their reputation or their skills or how impressive they are, they're so much more than that.

They can see the pain they're in, and instead of treating them as this untouchable perfect being, they treat them in a human way.

The super bubbly character seems completely unaffected by recent tragedy? Okay. Their friend doesn't ignore that. They don't push and prod, but they don't ignore it. They sit with them, spend time with them, hold them, they know it affected them.

I'm imagining a scene where the character w/NPD fucks up somehow, and they seem fine, but someone close to them suddenly Realizes and they just. Go to find them. And they're just having a massive breakdown, but the moment they see their friend, they quickly try and shove everything under the surface and act cool and unaffected and "normal", but their friend goes over and just holds them and. Ungh. 10/10

Couple months ago I did actually see an episode of a show like that, and both times I watched it, I bawled my fuckin eyes out lol.

Different people may have different answers in terms of what they'd feel most comforted by, but for me personally, I'd love this so much, because this is how I present and I desperately want to be Seen and Loved and have someone see my self-worth as being inherent and not tied into how "perfect" I am.

Closing thoughts:

Personally, there's not much that I'd feel offended by. To be honest, in addition to characters who fit the above points (various presentations, average-level interpersonal conflict, etc.), I also write characters who have that "stereotypical" presentation. I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as it's not done maliciously, especially if there's other types of characters shown. (Similar to having both gay villains and gay protagonists or side characters, y'know)

The only thing I'd dislike / that would hurt my feelings is like... seeing a character be heavily demonized for their traits*, or the only characters with NPD being horribly abusive, or the usage of stigmatizing language (aka, if the character is spoken about the way buzzfeed articles speak about us).

*aka, demonized for the symptoms. Totally fine if someone does something shitty and it's pointed out as being shitty / if people dislike them for that lol.

Hopefully this isn't getting too long, but to give an example of what I mean, something I saw that did hurt my feelings was like-

There was an episode of a show where a character got super braggy and confident, and was relishing in the praise and admiration she was getting. Hinging her self-worth on that recognition and success. And her friends got annoyed and pissed off, simply because she was braggy. There were a couple of things here and there she did that were kind of insensitive, but that was never really pointed out or seen as the main issue, it was only her bragging that was being demonized for some reason.

And then her friends all ganged up behind her back and did something to intentionally trigger a crash and make her feel insecure and terrible about herself, all to "knock her down a peg". And the narrative framed that as being justified, framed her friends as being correct in this situation. They never once showed concern for her mental health or the fact that she was hinging her self-worth on other people's opinions of her, they tore her down for her bragging instead of either a) supporting and uplifting her, or b) showing concern for unhealthy mindsets, and they never even tried to approach her or communicate with her about the things she was doing that actually were insensitive.

Hopefully that wasn't too much of a tangent lol, but that's the type of thing I mean by "being demonized for their traits". Hate when all a character is doing is bragging and feeling good about themself and the narrative frames them in an extremely negative light for it :(

Okay I will wrap up the post here as it's already pretty long, but hopefully this helped a bit!! Thank you for the question, and good luck with your writing! ^^

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

NPD culture is getting so much supply from your partner worrying about not "putting out" so to speak and then immediately feeling the rage of one thousand suns when they tell you that their friend made a comment on how little they do like... bitch. If they wernt doing anything for me we wouldn't be dating, how dare they even imply MY partner is so incompetent and irresponsible.

Anyway i now have a burning rage and hatred for a girl ive never even met and im in a higher position than her in our organization/job so now im going to make it as uncomfortable as I can :3

.

[velvetvexations]

so do you have fits of narcissistic rage irl then? do you snap?

tbh, the nice way you treat transmascs makes me doubt you have npd. you are not transmasc yourself. you have nothing to gain from supporting them. this is an entirely unselfish, empathetic action to take. you care about people that aren't you.

This is fairly ableist, anon.

I've said multiple times a big part of my fixation with unselfish generosity is rooted in my compulsion to be The Best Person and that I have something of a savior complex so I have to actively work to make sure I'm not coming off paternalistic and patronizing, or centering my own heroism. I have genuine moral concerns even more or less unrelated to my NPD, but the NPD is even then a very big part of why I've ever pushed myself to have and retain those morals.

And you really have no idea what the full extent of my morality is. I'd like to hope someone who reads my writing, when I've published all that I'll ever published, will have a fairly good handle on the breadth of my morality, but it's likely that even that picture would fall short.

This is especially true because we are a system, but one where all of us are constantly blended together and acting as one more often than not. I promise you that some of us would be reviled if they were singlets entirely on their own and it's to their own great fortune they have being integrally embedded into the rest of us to keep them leashed. Yet, being integral, they are a part of who "I" am at a level that can't be ignored.

And, yes, I have "narcissistic rage", which I find to be a borderline ableist term in and of itself. Stop acting like someone can't have a personality disorder because they're ~uwu <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 so nice <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 uwu~ because it really pisses me off.

I'll gladly accept being praised as a messiah, except I haven't come to bring peace, but a motherfucking sword. If you want to like or admire me that includes acknowledging there are parts of me other than traditionally valued "moral" traits like compassion. I am, yes, compassionate, but I also hate people, a very large amount of people, there are untold millions of people on this planet who I don't just feel wholly indifferent to but actively loathe and consider less than scum and every day I'm filled with truly endless animosity for them.

[a-sip-of-milo]

Sorry for this vent, but I need to get this off my chest. This is gonna be really long.

To the 'narc abuse', 'borderline abuse', 'histrionic abuse' etc truthers:

I've had an incredible life, no trauma whatsoever. I've never known what a mental breakdown is, was top student throughout my school years. No bullies, no mean teachers, no abusive parents. Lived rich, won awards, never had a single problem in my life.

I was still a piece of shit.

I'm not empathetic whatsoever. I don't know how to comfort someone when they cry. I was severely detached with all my classmates I was so fucking insensitive. I throw fits of rage if things aren't as perfect as I visualised them. I always shift the blame to others, and if I'm held accountable, I don't know how to actually feel sorry when apologising, even until now. And I'm a neurotypical.

I don't mind being hated for this next part, it's perfectly understandable. TW for abusive & manipulative behaviour, scroll down until you see a #.

At 10, I called a classmate who was autistic and dyslexic "retarded" for not being able to write something despite knowing damn well they were disabled.

At 11, I verbally abused my 8 year old sister multiple times to the point of tears. I insisted (and believed) that she was just being oversensitive. This behaviour started long ago, this is when it reached its peak. It's still happening, but now she is mature enough to stand up to herself and I am mature enough to not be too harsh.

At 12, I gaslighted my then best friend into thinking she was the problem when we got involved in some drama I started. When she didn't take the fall for me, I ignored her for weeks. She started cutting, and I called her an attention seeker.

From then onwards, things just got worse. I stopped being a responsible child to my parents, frequently blamed my friends for anything that went wrong, and took advantage of my little sister's love for me.

And I did not have a single excuse. All I could say was 'I'm sorry', knowing that I'm lying. It's not that I saw my actions as 'okay', my heart just never ached like it was supposed to.

#

For those that scrolled to skip the triggering parts, I just want to say that I was a shitty person and had no excuse for it. I know that, as a child who had the best circumstances amongst her peers, there is nothing you can forgive about it.

I was, in a way, an abuser too. My friend who, at that time, had undiagnosed BPD, was still kinder than me. And before you anti-pd mfers start attacking me, I wanna tell you loud and clear:

No NPD, no BPD, no HPD, no DID, no BS.

I was an abuser.

I'm a neurotypical.

Sorry this took me so long to get to. I really appreciate and admire your honestly, and I hope that you've taken the steps to better yourself since then. I also hope that these people have found peace.

Thank you for your ask <3

[nothing0fnothing]

Hey a /genq here and asking this in a completely respectful and neutral way bc i want to inform myself enough to form an opinion on this, what's your take on the debate on using the term "narcissistic abuse" or "narcissistic parents" and the like? some people claim it's ableist against ppl with NPD but some disagree for a variety of reasons. ive seen on your page you've used the terms listed above before. what's your take on the debate, and what's some rebuttals for people claiming its ableist? thanks in advance and sorry if already asked ✌️

I've discussed this a bit on my page before so I'll try to keep this brief as I do like to rabbit on about this. (Edit: yeah I fucked up this wasn't brief at all so enjoy the monologue and thanks for reaching out OP)

The short answer is that narcissistic doesn't mean NPD. Lots of people think it does and that can contribute to stigma and promote ableism, especially when they think terms like "narcissistic abuse" or "narcissistic family dynamic" are referring to people with NPD perpetrating the abuse or the toxic family dynamic. They then spread that misinformation around the Internet. It's not right and nobody should be doing that. Narcissism isn't NPD, having NPD doesn't make you a narcissist. Nobody should be calling people with NPD narcissists. People with NPD are decent people with regular mental disorders like everyone else and they deserve kindness and respect and the common courtesy and that includes basic shit like knowing what their disorder is before discussing it on a public platform. NPD is a regular mental disorder, not a type of abuse. Narcissistic abuse is a type of abuse, not a mental disorder.

I have a whole opinion about how NPD is actually a really badly named disorder because in all of its diagnostic criteria only like 3 of the possible symptoms directly correlate with narcissism and you can be diagnosed without presenting any of them. So actually most people with NPD aren't even narcissistic. It's like a whole thing I've gone into before but my point is, NPD isn't even a clinical diagnosis of chronic narcissism. There are raging narcissists who don't qualify for an NPD diagnosis.

There's an argument that I shouldn't use the term narcissistic to accurately describe my own experience of abuse, because when people with NPD Google the term "Narcissist Help" or anything like it, the results are filled with people like me, survivors of narcissistic abuse, not resources relevant to people with NPD. I've used my VPN to Google from the UK, the USA, Australia and Canada and that problem disappears when I use terminology actually relevant to people with NPD. Search terms like "NPD specialist" "NPD support group" "NPD Help" all spawn in some pretty supportive, reputable and relevant data. People with NPD deserve help and support and a community to provide it to them. So do I.

Narcissistic abuse is a real term. It's used professionals in all the places you tend to find vulnerable people. Doctors and nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, outreach support officers, teachers, safeguarding bodies and survivor advocates all are trained in how to spot narcissistic abuse and support the people experiencing it. It's not a word made up recently to intentionally promote ableism specifically against people with NPD. The term has existed longer than NPD has been a recognised mental health disorder.

I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse. That means that the abuse I experienced fit the specific patterns and purposes recognised by professionals when discussing narcissistic abuse. The abuse happened when I was a child so it was also child abuse. It took all kinds of forms so it was also physical and emotional abuse. Being able to describe it all kinds of other ways doesn't change the fact that the name for what I experienced is narcissistic abuse.

Some people don't like it. They say that when I use terms like narcissistic abuse that my audience won't understand what I mean and will fail to educate themselves. I expect better from my audience and I don't think I'm responsible for other people's ignorance. Especially when I ensure I'm using my terminology correctly.

In my opinion, I educated myself. I try to educate people when I see misinformation regarding this topic tun across my notifications. I leave the NPD community alone so they don't have to see my potentially triggering content. I do everything I need to do to be a decent fucking person. But I'm not going to mislabel my abuse because somebody disagrees with the terminology.

[littlespacemarki]

LOOKING FOR A CAREGIVER

I'm Mark, host of a system (sys acc is @phantomhunt ) and I'm looking for a cg

Requirements:

- 16+

- texts first

- sets a bedtime

- close/is in Israel time (GMT +2)

- semi-strict

- only punishments are small

- no nsfw no matter what

- is okay with mixed origins systems

- is okay with speaking to minors

- not pro Palestine/is willing to get educated (we live in Israel and have trauma from that)

- respects triggers & boundaries

- is clear with boundaries

- cares about me

- is okay with vents

- is okay with bratty littles (we have NPD and get very bratty when small)

- okay with spam (I send a LOT of messages when I'm small, you can respond at your own pace)

Preferences:

- under 25

- not a man

- okay with cute/weird nicknames (I called my last cg Ducky for no reason, so that's to give you a bit of an idea)

- has discord

- can watch cartoons with me (WBB, SpongeBob , and Powerpuff Girls are my three main atm, I can stream them all)

- loves to give me attention

About me:

- I'm a minor (my public age range is 13-16)

- my little age is 2-5 (usually around 3)

- I have a lot of plushies and I like to collect plushies and stuffies

- I like to color and do activity sheets

- I am the host of a mixed origins system (about 40+ headmates)

- I play Minecraft and Roblox

- I'm a therian, otherkin, otherhearted, copingkin, and fictionkin(+ fictive)

- I like to watch markiplier and jacksepticeye when I'm big

- I like to listen to music at all times

- I'm a closeted little irl, but I have agere gear I bought alone

- I'm autistic and I have NPD, BPD, aspd(?), DID, C-PTSD, ADHD(?), dyslexia, major depressive disorder, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, and some sort of tic disorder

- I like darker aesthetics & glitchcore

- I have 3 pacis >:33

- I use they/it/anxiety/rage/Mori pronouns (I totally didn't forget to write that)

- I prefer neutral or masc terms

- I'm transmasc xenofluid

- I'm aroace pan

- I have a phobia of dogs and elevators

- I have an invisible disability (chronic pain)

- I regress both voluntarily and involuntarily

- I'm most likely to never text first

- I have trouble sleeping

- I go to sleep late (around 1-2am when I'm small, 3-4am when big)

If you're interested, DM me or reblog this!

[murderoftheuniverse]

its wild how when nothing is actively happening to me, my brain will try to convince me i don’t have npd and i’ll forget how much rage and disbelief i feel when i fail (or even just falter) in any way. the unparalleled humour of thinking “i’m not a narcissist actually” and then an hour later losing 1 (one) round of turf war in spl@toon 3 and thinking that everyone on the opposite team should die or something until i calm down

[daffythefox]

no bc we’re doing smthn about the legal system in my abpsych class and about insanity pleas and all that and putting aside my opinions on the matter it keeps reminding me of the time i poured my heart into my dnd character with NPD and I put so much time and effort into his backstory and I put a lot of effort into roleplaying him and he got corrupted and manipulated by this super powerful evil entity and i made a dungeon they went through that was like a manifestation of his psyche and they learned what happened to him and how what happened to him effected him and made him the sad man he is today and essentially was like “he just fucking wants a healthy relationship where he doesn’t have to constantly put on this performance of being “better” to have value and be respected” and then they got to the final boss room and they just kinda brute forced through it all and then put him on trial for killing his abuser in a fit of rage while almost completely corrupted by the evil entity and they didn’t have any redirects so the prosecutor (one of the other people in the party who did a bunch of research and shit out of game before this event we didn’t know for sure was gonna happen took place) went first and fucking grilled me. and then my defense (my boyfriend who was unaware this was going to happen until the very moment they said we were going to have a trial) tried to refute all his shit but every time he asked up a witness after he laid groundwork the prosecutor just knocked it all down because the defense didn’t get a moment to be like “actually that’s not true/taken out of context” and then afterwards the other people were the jury and they were like “yeah you killed him involuntary manslaughter” and they were like “see it’s not so bad all you’ve gotta do is like some community service” and then afterward one of the people got ahold of the evil entity (that apparently wasnt powerful/evil enough to corrupt me enough to make me kill this guy) and it ended up destroying half the city and killing my character (while I was home because I was throwing up) and afterwards he was resurrected and the charges were dropped and then nobody talked about anything else that happened in that dungeon in character. Ever. And the whole time we were going through the dungeon this same guy who was the prosecutor was like “oh my gosh I wish I could’ve had a father figure like that” while they were watching this guy get fucking gaslit to hell and refused dinner if he didnt do anything he wanted and the whole nine. and then afterwards he was like “yeah we probably should’ve killed you once you first were being corrupted by the evil entity in the first place. save you the suffering of being taken over by it” BITCH ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM AND THERE WAS LIKE A 90% CHANCE HE WOULDA REALIZED THIS THING WAS EVIL. OH and the WHOLE time they were making jabs at him for no reason than him reacting to them poorly because HE HAS NPD and it got so bad the dm had to say something about it. OHHH and while he was being corrupted 3 of the other players made a code word out of game so if they thought my character was getting bad enough corrupted by this evil thing & that he was in a vulnerable position that they could decide to kill my character! And then they got angry at me for finding that offensive. Like if I was a neurotypical person this probably would’ve gotten on my nerves but it felt like everyone was conspiring against me and my character just because I made someone with NPD. I mean, he was supposed to be one of those cocky “I am confused when we are not about me?” types and he was like “obviously I am the smartest one here so I think *I* should be the one to solve the riddle” but if you like befriended him at all (like held out even the smallest olive branch. like an olive twig) then he would be like, apologetic for if he was rude bc he’d care abt you and he wouldnt want to make you sad if you were his friend and such. It made me so goddamn frustrated and angry. and after the trial and the town being destroyed he was just kinda shelved the rest of the campaign. and nobody apologized to me for anything

[cladlless-colletc]

I dreamt about my ex 3 times this week.

After the third dream, I thought about stalking her tumblr, because that's something I used to do back when I was still obsessed with her(just BPD things...) so I know she posts a lot of personal comments and vents. And well, she had posted the day I had the first dream, a post where she mentions me as "that fucking psycho" who stalked her and said if I was still stalking her to eat shi and die. Good for her I guess? She still hates me which made me really shocked but also not shocked at all, and also sent me into a thinking spiral that made realize a few things about myself that I already knew but where not clear enough to me as they are now.

We talked last year, after all my online stalking and bothering her culminated in us having a conversation. I opened up about a lot of stuff, she opened up, I didn't think we'd become FRIENDS sgain but I thought she at least didn't see me as a monster anymore, I thought she at least understood my side of our story. And to me, that was it, the loose ends where tied, I could finally move on, the way she talked to me felt like she was ready to move on too. So I did. I forgot her, I stopped stalking her blog, I only ever thought of her when thinking about my comic that has a character based off of her and how to write that character in a compelling way. And then today happened and no, she still hates my guts and it just hit me and I thought and thought about it so much.

I used to stalk her because I just needed to know if she was posting anything about me. If she hated me, if what I did still hurt her, if she misses me, me me me me. My obssession with her was aways an obsession with myself, and now that I know I have NPD it makes so much more sense. I couldn't bear being the villain in someone else's life, I couldn't be hated, I needed to show her my side so she could at least understand, I just couldn't bear it.

I truly think those dreams where a sign to stalk her blog and find that post, so that I could have that reality check on myself. Some people will never understand my side and it shouldn't matter. Maybe she just doesn't care, she thinks I'm a narcisistic(I am) psycho stalker who should eat shit and die, and well, she has all the right to do it, I'm the one who shouldn't care about it. I will aways be the monster under someone's bed, I need to stop being obsessed with never being hated. I hate when people don't see my side, I hate when people don't look at me, I hate when people disagree with me, I hate when people assume or misunderstand things about me, I am a RAGING NARCISSIST. But I can't let those things make me my worst version of myself. I can't force myself into someone's heart just because they got me wronged. If they hate that's their issue, if they think I'm a sick psycho or a monster that's with them and their therapist, I know what I did and didn't do wrong.

I need to stop caring so much about what people think of me. I care so much that it makes me do stupid things that hurt me more than anyone else.

I have a lot of people in my life that love me and that's all that should matter, and now I gotta go to bed because I'll go to a con tomorrow with my girlfriend and amazing cosplayer friends.

[ascaryghost]

Pinned

!!I post about my mental health!! | Anorexia | Autism | BPD | ADHD | (please read bellow)

TW: Anorexia !! I have anorexia but im not a pr0xna blog. !! I never post txspo, bchecks, cals, stats or anything. My ana posts are memes, harm reduction or like “man i hate myself lol.” if u find a post of mine harmful, pm me instead of reporting.  I've been anorexic for 10 years, which means my anorexia is chronic - i live and try to take care of myself while coping with this disorder. I have been through treatment and hospitalisation & am in contact with a psychiatrist.

I also sometimes post stuff about more heavy or negative feelings i have, but at the end of the day i am a positive person who encourages everyone to be their best self.

IMPORTANT ! I fully support people struggling with **all** mental illnesses, including all personality disorders such as ASPD, NPD etc.

! I fully support **all** queer people, no matter how well they fit the standards of society.

DNI if you do not. More about me bellow!

About Me: -Hel (she/it/they) - im 20 - queer as fuck, i love my wife<3 - professional crybaby aka full time student - I love art in all forms, history and mythology - im a scary ghost

pls send me song recs!<3 (i love most genres and am open to everything!)

Some of my favorite tunes rn: Katatonia - My Twin Garmarna - Herr Mannelig Dälek - Images of 44. Casings

All time favorite albums: Have A Nice Life - Deathconsciousness Dystopia - Dystopia Katatonia - The Great Cold Distance Bôa - Twilight Fleshwater - We're Not Here to Be Loved Black Kray - 700 DAGREEZ The Ruins of Beverast - Rain Upon The Impure Deftones - Saturday Night Wrist Elliot Smith - Elliot Smith Madvillain - Madvillainy Akaitsuki - Akaitsuki Leviathan - The Tenth Sub Level Of Suicide The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds Gojira - From Mars to Sirius Alice in Chains - Dirt Parteum - Raciocíno Quebrado Acid Bath - When the Kite String Pops Eiafuawn - Birds In The Ground Cocteau Twins - The Moon and the Melodies Absence - Dälek ... & many more

Favorite musical artists/bands: - Have A Nice Life - Leviathan - Alcest - Neurosis - Katatonia - Duster - Deftones - Elliot Smith - Portishead - Gojira - Kitty Sucker - Pretty Sick - Siouxie And The Banshees - Acidbath - Candlemass - Crowbar - Bathory - Sigur Rós - Slowdive - BABYMETAL - Carcass - Black Sabbath - Cocteau Twins - my bloody valentine - Rage Against the Machine - MF DOOM - Trhä ...and a bunch more...

[myatuesday]

Idk who needs to see this, but

If you have BPD and find yourself having symptoms of other B-cluster personality disorders - GO GET HELP.

If you're experiencing more than just BPD symptoms, getting treated for BPD alone obviously isn't enough.

_

I'm very disturbed by something a lady in one of my BPD groups said today. Which is, that... despite being dx w BPD 2 years ago, she's has overlapping NPD and ASPD symptoms. And more growing volatility (violent rage outbursts) and less remorse.

Uhhhhh.

This individual literally said she feels capable of murder and is trying to project that onto everyone with BPD, claiming we "have a lot more in common with psychopaths/sociopaths than we realize".

Girl.

Maybe you do.

_

Idgaf what you have or haven't been diagnosed with,

If you are a violent and/or aggressive person and/or feel homicidal in any way, you need to seek professional help immediately.

_

And, no, NEWSFLASH:

That's not a symptom of BPD.

sigh.

_

Jesus Fucking Christ.

_

There was an entire thread on if BPD folks are sociopaths due to being a B-cluster personality disorder. 🤦‍♀️

The answer is NO.

No. No. No.

Oh my goodness. People are so ignorant and need to stop.

_

I don't know how to adequately explain exactly what a cluster is, but what I can say is this:

each individual disorder in any cluster (just like any disorder outside of that cluster) is it's own individual disorder.

Having 2 (or more) disorders inside (or outside) of any particular cluster is considered a dual diagnosis or comorbidity.

That being said, it is entirely possible and often common to have comorbidities.

If you feel like you're experiencing any symptoms outside of your initial or known diagnosis, discuss this with your mental healthcare provider.

And, in fairness, (based on my experience) if they seem dismissive, indifferent or set on dxing you with something you absolutely know is not correct, get a second or third or fourth opinion until you get the issue resolved.

Granted, this is nothing as grave as developing NPD or ASPD symptoms (or violent/homicidal tendencies for whatever fucking reason), but

It took a lot of work to get diagnosed with ADHD. I talked to at least 3+ different mental healthcare providers before talking to the 4th+ and finally getting properly and adequately diagnosed w ADHD.

Yes, this is in addition to my BPD. (Granted, the psychiatrist felt they are related, but that's a whole other conversation.)

And, even then, it took awhile to find a good prescriber and new mental health provider (since the others failed me so greatly).

It can be a pain, but don't give up. It's worth it.

_

If you have violent tendencies or homicidal thoughts, you have an ethical and moral obligation to seek treatment for those issues.

And FFS, don't lump that in w BPD and put that stigma on us. Smh.

_

[Sidenote:

As far as B-cluster personalities go, there can be some overlap with

NPD and ASPD

Or

BPD and HPD

But a combination of all 4 is rare. (Especially in females.)

That being said, again, no, BPD folks aren't sociopathic simply because, at this time, we happen to be in the B-cluster. 🙄]

_

If you don't know wtf you're talking about, just stfu.

If you have BPD and are feeling sociopathic, go get that shit checked out. That's not BPD.

All y'all need to get it together.

_______________________________________________

Update:

Wow. A few people are really going off in response to this post. I feel that some of those responses are reactionary and missed the point of my message and/or for who it was intended.

Overall, all I'm saying is...

1. If you're experiencing symptoms outside of your known diagnosis, talk to your a mental healthcare provider.

2. If you're having violent outburts/behaviors and/or homicidal thoughts and/or feeling a lack of remorse when you do violently act out, etc - SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.

That's it.

If you disagree with messages promoting maintaining/treating mental health and/or safeguarding oneself and/or others against potentially problematic or dangerous behaviors, than that's your problem, not mine.

[violentviolette]

hi jack, i hope youre doing ok!! im just kinda here looking for some advice tbh. im black, and i have aspd/npd/asd and recently due to dumb internet shit there are people who have been spreading rumors about me and vilifying me (literally saying theyre "scared" and "mortified" by me) and ive been struggling to control myself emotionally and idrk what to do. all 3 diagnoses are really recent, and i cant access therapy and shit rn. im only 18 and all of this started bc i called out someone on their antiblackness. the rage im feeling is literally keeping me up at night and making me feel physically sick and all i want to do is lash out but thatll just give them more ammo to make me out to be a monster yknow? and i just dont rlly know how to handle this lol it just fucking sucks not being able to defend myself. sorry for rambling 😕

real talk and i know what im about to say is hard as fuck, esp when u have a cluster b pd, but u gotta let go of the need for control and allow people to be wrong about u. because there will always be people who are committed to misunderstanding u, or who simply just dont fucking like u and are going to interpert everything u do in bad faith and lie about u. that is an inevitability in life and there is nothing u can do about it. there is no amount of defending or reasoning that will change some peoples minds and u need to accept that and move on u cant control other peoples perceptions of u or what they say to other people about u, u cant make everyone understand u or see reason or act approriately or rationally, so u gotta let go of the false idea that u can do anything about it and accept it as a reality and just let it exist. let them lie. let them be wrong. and i know thats hard, but u gotta keep perspective on whats truly important. are these people paying ur bills? are they causing problems with ur close personal relationships? are they preventing u from living ur life somehow? no? then literally it does not matter genuinely the best and only healthy thing to do is ignore it and stop caring. stop allowing it to take up space in ur mind and in ur day. block who u need to block, turn off anon, stop replying to @'s, stop reading tags ur reading, move blogs, find a new space and new people, literally just move on with ur life and eventually other people will move on to

because at the end of the day these people and their opinions about u and the things they say do not at all matter. these people have no power or control over ur real actual life. they do not have to affect or even exist in ur life unless u let them. the internet is a big place, find a new spot to settle in and forget those people ever existed

[defiantsuggestions]

One of my abusers was a victim themself, raised by the same people who hurt me the most.

There was an occasional sense of solidarity between us, but that solidarity mattered little when they purposely sent my parents after me out of spite whenever they felt I wronged them somehow.

They didn't respect my boundaries; whenever I said no they'd just keep pushing until I gave in and then they'd claim it was my choice. If I disagreed with them on anything they'd scream at me until I agreed with them. They constantly told me I was a dumb baby and I was always wrong because I was younger than them.

Whenever they did something nice for me it was always, always with the reminder that it was them who did it for me and that I'd 'better remember who my real family is' because they were 'the only person I could rely on.'

They prided themself on being different from my main abusers, but ultimately they were just as controlling, just as prone to outbursts, and just as prepared to hurt me if I didn't do what they wanted at all times.

I had to watch my words and tone around them, because they would read malicious intent into everything people did or said, and if I wasn't careful I might say something that would make me a target for their rage. Any perceived slight was met with hostility, any mistake in word choice could be seen as a power move.

This person was desperate for human contact, and didn't often get it because they chased everyone around them away. They saw my inability to leave as consent, and they attached themself to my hip, demanding that I fill every social role that they needed filled. If they were free, they wanted my attention. If they wanted my attention, I was forced to yield. No matter what I might have been doing, what my energy levels were, how well I felt that day, if they wanted to spend time with me I had no right to say no.

During the years I spent in contact with them, I was able to see the connections between their current behavior and their past. As someone who was also lonely and isolated, I sympathized with the desperation to connect with someone, anyone. I know that the reason they read malicious intent into everything is because they were raised by the same people who raised me, and the people who raised me were unpredictable assholes who would scream for days over minor inconveniences.

This person had a knee-jerk reaction to perceived slights because, due to their abuse, they think everyone in the world is looking to beat them down, and if they don't want to be hurt they have to beat everyone else down first.

So it didn't matter to them, that I was also a victim, that I had the backbone of a marshmallow, that I was nothing but quiet and polite at all times. If they saw the barest hint of defiance in me it had to be crushed, or else I might turn on them in the same way our abusers did.

And there was no talking them out of this. There was no explanation that would get them to understand why their behavior was wrong. They felt owed, they wanted control, they didn't care how much they hurt me. My purpose was to serve their needs and god help me if I deviated from what they wanted, because they'd been hurt and they decided to make it my problem.

Having been abused by someone who themself was abused, I feel like it would be wildly out of line for me to turn around and say that all victims of abuse are themselves abusive. That would be a terrible, awful thing for me to go around saying.

Yes, their trauma influenced their abuse of me, I would be lying if I claimed otherwise. But the presence of trauma itself in a person does not make them abusive by default.

Here's something else about this abuser; they suffered clinical depression and anxiety. The depression led them into dragging me out of bed at night at 3 in the morning to deal with their problems until sunrise, and the anxiety fed into their need to over analyze everything the people around them said and then lash out at the assumption that everyone was out to get them.

Again, these things were a significant influence on their behavior but they were not the cause, and it would be WILDLY ableist and cruel of me to go around claiming that anyone diagnosed with depression or anxiety is automatically a horrible abuser because of those disorders.

You know what made this person abusive? It was their choice not to recognize or acknowledge that they were causing harm even when I begged them to stop. They were abusive because they decided it was my job to regulate their emotions. They were abusive because they didn't care about my sense of well being or autonomy, they were in control and if I didn't behave they would make me give them what they wanted. They were abusive because if I upset them they would purposely hurt me and they saw absolutely nothing wrong with that.

They were allowed to hurt me whenever they wanted, but if they thought I might hurt them, they would put me through hell to remind me of my place.

People who aren't abusive, who have been abused, who have anxiety or depression, if you tell them something they've done that's hurt you, generally they'll be want to take steps to avoid hurting you again. They'll work with you. They'll try to avoid that behavior around you in the future, either by unlearning the thing or by leaving when it flares up. If their particular issues make them incompatible with your particular issues, a non-abusive person would be fine distancing or ending the relationship. A non-abusive person will have your safety and comfort in mind whenever it is made clear that something legitimately hurts you. A non-abusive person wants to limit the pain experienced by everyone involved. They won't use whatever power they might have over you to beat you down into complying with their wishes.

And this is true in all things. This is true with the "scary" disorders many like to stigmatize.

There is no disorder or illness in existence that will automatically make someone evil, and there is no disorder or illness in existence that will automatically make someone abusive.

Yes, I'm talking about NPD now.

People with NPD can be abusive, and that abuse may be influenced by that disorder, but that does not mean that NPD itself is abusive.

People who have NPD are not more likely to be abusive than anyone else. People with NPD are often victims. People with NPD are people who should be treated with respect.

This goes for every mental illness. Abuse is an action someone takes, it is a choice, and calling someone who has not done that action abusive because of how their brain works is wrong.

TL; DR

I will not tolerate ableism on this blog. I do not vibe with people who judge others on their disorders and not their actions. There is no mental illness that makes a person abusive. Abuse is a choice and someone who isn't abusing others should not be judged evil just because they have a disorder. Those with NPD and other commonly stigmatized disorders are people and are as deserving of respect as everyone else.

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Okay, I’m gonna share something I never thought I would so here goes. I triggered myself & now I wanna angry vent about it.

Important context: (1) our therapist told us she believes our dad is both a narcissist (NPD) & a sociopath (ASPD), both from what we experienced & the time she met him on accident (we live in the same city so they ran into each other); (2) unhealed narcissists view their spouse & children as an extension of them, not their own people (even to the extreme of, ‘if you lose your v*rg*n*ty, that's MINE & how dare someone take it’); & (3) our dad was diagnosed with NPD & then immediately changed therapists to get away from the diagnosis

So....

I'm not gonna give details but when we first moved to what we call The Old Neighborhood™ in the city we still live in, we got hurt.

We were nine when that happened.

We went home & didn’t tell our parents.

What happened when we got home?

Dad was gone at work. Mom immediately yelled at us for making a mess (it had been raining, we were soaked in rain & bl**d) & told us we'd have to clean up. We went in, took a shower, changed, & got forced to clean up.

We didn’t tell them.

Fast-forward to 21 years old. We had finally accepted we're a system & decided to tentatively tell Dad (who was generally calm & the less explosive parent, & one we didn't really remember ever being toxic/mean) that we'd been diagnosed with C-PTSD, just to tiptoe into the conversation.

He exploded & went off that the only “real” trauma (/snark at him) was (1) seeing someone get m*rd*red (or seeing someone succeed at su*c*de), (2) being r*ped, & (3) seeing someone else get r*ped (no this is not taken out of context, he said it explicitly & it's bullsh!t, much more than that is traumatic). So Kaden (front at the time) tentatively introduced, ‘well, when we were nine...’ (/paraphrase)

Dad exploded with rage about it, & how now, ~12 years later, we should call the cops. Kaden (who's gotten hurt by cops & is genuinely terrified of them for good reason) went ‘no no no, I don't want any cops involved and they wouldn't do anything anyway, it's been too long’, & Dad said “if you're telling the truth, you'd let me call the cops”. Kaden got triggered out of front & Sean took over.

Carlisle (co) decided to tell Dad about us being a system anyway. He said (1) we should be put inpatient if we “really have that many alters” (we had ~40 names at the time, & soon after this had at least 200 headmates so.....bullsh!t again🙄), (2) we “just don't think you're a real person” (we are real people, but we all are...just not one single real person 🙄), & (3) said “you can't force people to see you how you see yourself.” He even outright told Kaden & Sean they weren't real to their face. &...even Carlisle (who's a caretaker (& an adult, & one of our oldest (we can trace him back to 2003)) and never, ever been before) got triggered badly enough to have to leave front so he didn't start crying. We got left dissociated, confused, & with this blurred mess at front.

When we got home (we'd been in the car traveling back from a game), Dad dropped us off & immediately left without saying a word, sending Kaden into yet another spiral of ‘oh g*d please don't tell me he's going to try & tell the cops or fight the guys’ & complained to mom about what he'd deemed “real” trauma. (Even she has trauma he didn't include.) Of course she was pissed, but she calmed Kaden down & said she didn't think he was going to the cops.

He came back still radiating that self-righteous asshole energy. We avoided him for months after that.

(& that reminds me of the time he tried to tell mom & I that ‘women aren't objectified’ (because, sure, a cishet middle aged upper middle class white AMAB man would really experience that 🙄 (/sarcastic)) & I had to snap that “as someone who was raised as a girl, I know more than you do, & you don't have the right to declare which of my experiences are real” & oh g*d the anger he got. He gave us the silent treatment for months, but after that it felt more like a gift than a punishment.)

We realized three days later that the nasty creepy feeling we got when he went off seething that we'd gotten hurt was objectifying. It was “that body is my property & someone damaged my property without my consent and I'm angry about that”, not the anger of a father who wanted to protect his child from danger or of a father who even gave a slight sh!t that his kid didn't consent to what happened. It was possessive. (& he even confirmed it a month ago when we snapped at him for not accepting we're trans & he said “you were always a daddy's girl and that was part of MY identity!!!” & said he felt like he'd lost part of //his// identity because we weren't who he thought we were. ...Being a father is an identity. Your child isn't part of your identity.)

....And then he STILL had the audacity to demand “you never talk to me anymore! why do you hate me?? why do you suddenly hate me??” & “why don't you tell me things anymore?”, & to point out “you never call me Dad anymore 😣🥺” (as if it's somehow his right to be called Dad after that 🙄)

Hm. I wonder why. It'll forever be a mystery. (/sarcastic, snarky at him).

~a very triggered Nico

[nothing0fnothing]

Lmao you blocked my OG account that's hilarious thanks for the laugh. Did the big scary narcissist scare you away with his "narcissistic abuse" or something? Oh yeah, my eyes will turn BLACK when I'm in an EVIL narc rage 😈 But anyway, narcissism = NPD. You can't be a narcissist without NPD. Narcissistic abuse isn't real. I guess if it is, then egotypical abuse is also real.

No I just said I'd block narcissists coming to my account for supply and followed through.

It's really weird you're so obsessed with me you've used 3 accounts to get my attention though. Is this like, a Yolanda Saldívar situation? Am I your new favourite person or something?