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popculturebuffet · 4 years

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Tom and Jerry 2021 Review: It’s Almost Adequate!

Hello you happy people, and welcome to a surprise review! While this was on my schedule, I moved it out to make room for my new Patreon Sponsored review. Yes at the 5 dollar tier you too can get a review a month.. but enough shilling. Point is I had some thoughts on the film, and felt I could squeeze a review of it into the schedule since my review for yesterday, the 90′s Tom and Jerry movie, got canceled as I both had to finish up my tex avery birthday review and hadn’t noticed it wasn’t on HBO Max like I thought. I could’ve sworn it was once but not anymore. Gee it’s almost like they removed their overtly awful Tom and Jerry movie from the service so people woudln’t be reminded of it when they watched the mediocre new one. Or it was never on there because HBO wants to bury that mistake in a hole. You make the call.

Point is I had some room in my schedule, so if I can’t cover the 1990 movie this weekend, though I FULLY intend to still do that at some point as it still fascinates me, might as well cover the one everyone’s actually watching. So join me under the cut with spoilers to go into why this film is .. ehhhh. under the cut

Tom and Jerry follows, as you’d expect, our working boys up to their ass in shit, what is this buisness. In this case Tom literally rides in on a rail with his keyboard wanting to be a big musician one day, while Jerry is shopping around for a home but can’t find any in his bracket. The two end up fighting, as you’d expect, when Tom performs as a blind cat in a park, a great gag, and Jerry first steals his customers by dancing to his music, but then when Tom tries to stop him, not only exposes his scam, but gets Tom’s beloved Keyboard broken.

In the process of Tom trying to get Jerry back for runing his day, Tom ruins the day of Kayla, a cynical young lady played by Chole Grace Moretz who like Robin in the last theatrical film, is a blonde girl who takes up way more screen time than our heroes for some reason. Tom accidently destroys the clothes she was sent to deliver, and she gets fired from her Task Rabbit esque job... despite the fact that TaskRabbit is app based, entirely built around how you do jobs for hire as needed, and that at most she’d get a bad review and that the app dosen’t actually hire people. I know this both because i’ve seen the apps and parodies of it show up on tv shows I watch, most recently Close Enough, and because I took the 2 minutes it took to google it , read some of the Wikipedia article and do the bare minimum that me, a paid only by commissions and patreons reviewer, did to prove a point, and that the writers of this film, who likely got paid at least 10000 for a rewrite, and more for whoever wrote the treatment, which is about 30,000 at lowest as told to me by this article on what screenwriters get paid I looked up solely to prove a point. So they got paid tens of thousands of dollars, probably more than standard... to not spend 5 minutes looking up what task rabbit is, becuase they wanted to give her a “hip” job instead of just having her work for a dry cleaner. Then again they got thousands upon thousands to half ass it and i’m getting paid nothing to go on a rant about how they half assed it, so maybe i’m the dumbass, I dunno, but at least I take pride in my work. And i’ve had trouble spellchecking at times so take that as you will.

But so far the film is not bad: the slapstick is blended really well, the action is pitch perfect and our heroes are given good motivations: Kayla’s to find a job, Tom to play piano professionally and Jerry to find a proper home. You ready for some letdown?!

All three of our heroes converge at the Royal Gate Hotel, a prestigious hotel that’s been host to popes, dignitaries and Drake. Jerry sneaks inside, and soon finds himself at home and making himself home, Tom TRIES to and ends up getting on the wrong side of Butch, the black cat from the shorts played in this film by reggaton performer Nicky Jam. Why they choose him over a comedian or anyone who could actually act, especially since Butch dosen’t have a musical number or anything, is a riddle for the ages. My best guest, as it always is, is that Tim Story owes him a Wookie-Style life debt. Not only that but even more bafflingly Butch’s gang, who to the films credit like him are all his gang of cats from the classic shorts, are played by Kevin Hart’s Improve Troop, The Plastic Cup Boyz. I got a preview for what passing a kidney stone’s going to feel like just typing that name. I thought I had no explanation for this, not even a wookie life debt can explain how Kevin Hart’s posse, because he has one for some reason but at least unlike Adam Sandler he’s helping his smaller named friends get big instead of just promoting guys who really shouldn’t have a career or dragging poor guys like Shaq or Terry Crews into your bullcrap because they like you., can explain how this happened. But I forgot I looked up Tim Story’s filmography when I first found out he was director here, more on him later, and found out he directed both Ride Along films, both think like a man films, and one of Kevin Hart’s specials, so the two presumably are friends or at least have a solid working relationship, and given how successful the first Ride Along was for both men, I doubt Tim would turn down a favor from him and vice versa.

And while I find the Plastic Cup Boyz inclusion in this film bizzare and wish it was fellow comedy troupe and starkid adjacent wonderkinds the Tin Can Bros so I could get Joey Richter voicing an animated cat, they at least try their best, their just not given much to do and I don’t get casting them in these side rolls or not giving the butch role to one of them as Nicky Jam just sucks in the role. And I get Butch isn’t the most solid or complex character, but it still isn’t THAT hard, with the 80 drumloads of great comedians out there, to find SOMEONE better, and it’s weird Kevin Hart himself isn’t in the roll. If it wasn’t a wookie life debt i’m betting Hart was going to play Butch, had to back out due to scheduling conflicts or whatever, and Tim found the first guy he could who’d take almost nothing instead of an actual actor.

Kayla meanwhile somehow takes herself from sympathetic to wholly unlikeable in the span of the scene by maniuplating and terrifying a poor woman into not taking the job, outright STEALING HER RESUME, meaning if she screwed up this might go on the poor woman’s record, and lying her way into the job. And if the woman had been you know a classist dick or something, i’d understand but this is a perfectly nice lady who worked really hard, and who looses out on a job because some little bitch talked her out of it and then stole her identity. This one act really just makes me not care: It’s one thing to do what you gotta to get a job, I myself have never lied on an application but I get new york’s insanely expensive. Even if she presumibly lives in a hole that’s cramped, has roaches or rats, who given this unvierse probably have tiny tv’s that are still way too loud and binge watch way too much Jersey Shore at 2 in the morning, and is probably haunted, probably by Droopy wearing a bedsheet going boo but still, and yes he’s also alive here but he has identical cousins. Not the point. Point is even if she has sympathetic motives.. what she did is not okay and when she get flashes of guilt throughtout hte film it’s never long enough to feel like it’s not her simply feeling bad she didn’t get this herself and not that she STOLE IT FROM ANOTHER PERSON. Again if she’d FAKED her resume, this would’ve been fine, simply set up some websites, and it would’ve worked so why they went with this elaborate setup that takes her into outright crimes is beyond me.

Point is she gets hired by the manager/owner, Mr. Dubrois, played by Rob Delany, but since his name isn’t used enough i’m just going to call him Mustache Manager. Her direct superior whose against her being hired is Terrance, the Gate’s Event Manager played by a way too good for this film Micheal Pena, who sadly is given nothing to work with. Terrance.. is supposed to be the bad guy because he distrusts kayla. And while one of those reasons is stupid, she makes a joke about the goldfish being an aquatics manger and he takes it dead seriously, he’s rightfully supscious she’s not who she says she is, since one of the places on her resume is a place he knows people from. The only way the film manages to make him the bad guy is he is COMICALLY out of touch: he dosen’t get sarcasm, as seen before, dosen’t want people posting jerry to “snapgram or instaface”, and seems to have trouble relating to his guests. What makes this not work is that he’s manger at a ludicrously expensive hotel. As such a good chunk of his events would be for Celebrties, since New York’s a big hub for them, having tons living there and visiting for films, apperances on late night talk shows, SNL and what have you and being a prime spot for events and it’s clear part of his job is talking to the guests as the two the film focuses on, more on that in a minute, know him and have met him before. He also mentions Drake having stayed there... he would NOT have kept this job.

You’d need to do through research on these kinds of celebrates and social media is the easiest way to do that, to get what they like, what they don’t, what they don’t want to talk about, what scandals or gos might be going on to keep paparazzi out. I don’t even know how this business works nor did I google it.. and I didn’t to prove a point.. that even with no real idea how this works.. I still get what you’d probably need to know to make events for rich famous people. I’m not convinced Terrance knows how an internet works. And given writer Kevin Costello wrote the well received and weird film I still want to see Brigbsby Bear, I get the sense a lot of this nonsense was added in rewrites demanded by executives and credit him more for what works in the film. More on that in a moment.

Kayla is hired on because the Royal Gate has it’s biggest event ever, the wedding of Ben, played by Colin Jost, and Preeta, played by Pallavi Sharda. Why is it big? What do they do exactly? Are they trust fund babies? Did Ben invent an app? Did Preeta cure global warming? Did they both help defeat Galactus DEVOURER OF WORLDS?!... I dont’ know. If the film told me at all why their big names, even if it’s just because their famous for being famous which would be fine, why this is bigger than a fucking pope visiting, I missed it and I actually went back to their first scene and the scene where Mustache Manager brings up the wedding in the first place to Kayla, and found nothing. We just know their rich, their getting married, Ben doesn’t listen to Preeta and is insufferable, and that they own two classic Tom and Jerry characters: Ben owns spike whose played by Bobby Canavale who isn’t bad but dosen’t try to sound like spike at all and that annoys me given unlike Tom and Jerry, the former of whom’s signature noises from the cartoon were used archivally and otherwise dosen’t talk and only sings on occasion or does that wonderfully weird “don’t you belivie it” thing., has a distinct voice they could’ve got someone to imitate. The other is Preeya’s cat toodles, that white cat Tom is always trying to bang, who got a neat less anthro redesign.

Toots, Toodles whatever you call her the redesign works, making her more of a cat, and only speaking in meows for some reason, and combinging the two female cats tom’s liked, but while still being just funny animal enough that him wanting some pussy, so to speak, isn’t too creepy.

And this is where the film undergoes a bit of a shift. While the 20 or so minutes are rightfully focused on our boys with a bit of focus on Kayla, from here on out she’s our defacto lead. Given the last film did the same damn thing of making Tom and Jerry not the main leads in their own movie, you can see the problem. I will say to the film’s credit it is still LEAGUES better in a lot of other ways than the 90′s film in that the plot is actually centered around them: Jerry, when stealing some cheese, and runs afoul of the tempermental Chef Jackie played by Kim Jeong. Though i’m 100% not convinced Ben Chang didn’t just lie on his resume at some place and has now somehow become a michline star canditate. He finds Jerry, and Kayla volunteers to catch him to help her own career and validly points out her doing this discreetly with only the staff knowing about the mouse will keep it from becoming a social media nightmare.

The 90′s film could work without them, replacing them with any animal sidekick for Robin, since nit’s so far removed from Tom and Jerry their really an afterthought. Here the film DOES feel like a tom and jerry plot at it’s core, Jerry’s somewhere he shoudln’t be, Tom wants to chase him either due to personal greivance or his job depending on it, in this case both. The small side cast are all involved, and given decent if thin justifications for being there: Butch is an ally cat and Spike and Tootles are the pets of the happy couple.

And honestly the slapstick portions, the portions that are tom and jerry focused or use the humans well, are BRILLIANT. No really, it’s good stuff once in a while using a bit from the classics but mostly coming up with new gags and the animation is gorgeous. I won’t lie and say it’s always perfect, sometimes the models are a bit off and look unfinished and that’s not forgivable when you delay your film two months, and thus have extra time to work on that. But that’s a few shots here and there versus the majority of hte film where the various animals all blend perfectly. Unlike most Live Action adaptations of an old cartoon, this one actually seemed to have good reason, as they’ve taken the basic roger rabbit tech of decades ago and expanded on it well. Just like that classic you often wonder how the hell they pulled this off, and outside of one egregrous sequence where tom sets up an elaborate trap we spend far too much time on, when they do use CG for any props, you can’t tell. This is best highlighted by what I consdier to be the film’s best sequence and what brings Tom into the plot proper after lurking on the fringes for a good 15 minutes: Tom, miserable in the rain, finds jerry living it up in an empty room, and after some fun shenanigans trying to get in, finally succeds leading to a good 2-3 minute sequence of the two chasing after each other in the room. There are no actors, no one else and the room is empty, but perfectly gimmicked to time with thier movments. Wether they used cg and I couldn’t tell or just simply timed things great, it’s utterly fantastic and shows why this film is live action: while i’td be fine animated they cleary ahd the tech and ideas to do it live and thus did it this way. Naturally Kayla meets Tom again, and after finding out the room was trashed by both him and Jerry gets Mustache Manager to hire him.

But this is the problem: While there are great set pieces like this, or a REALLY damn impressive one later where Terrance gets dragged into a ball of violence while walking Spike for Ben and we see INSIDE IT, with Terrance not moving as fast but that being okay. And I love the movie’s commitment that ALL animals are animated. So it has it’s charms and gets a LOT right.

It’s clear to me from this strong core that the script was messed with, either by director Tim Story or the execs. Some misguided and stupid bits I get even if it was a bad idea: Tom does do the piano at one point, after he thinks he’s gotten rid of Jerry thanks to again an unwieldy overly long bit of CGI that’s a down spot on the usually good just tom and jerry stuff. And he STARTS singing a 40′s jazz song, and I thought “Okay they really got this and are doing something like is you is or is you ain’t my baby this will be fun”. Then T-Pain started using autotune, because of course, and Tom’s shoulder devil started scratching next to him...

By the way Tom’s Shoulder Devil and Angel are played very well by Lil Rel Howrey , aka Rod from Get Out. So good on you man, one bit of non miscasting. There’s one or two cringe inducing moment of trying to be hip here or there though for a film like this it isn’t nearly as bad as you’d expect. Still bad but i’ve seen so much worse at this point i’m not going to bother getting mad or upset over it. I’m used to this kind of thing from kids movies.

But while the film dosen’t really lack Tom and Jerry, it sidelines them way too often> There’s just too many scenes just about Kayla, whose not only not a great character despite Chole trying her absolute hardest god bless her. Her hitting it off with the bartender, her arguing with Terrance whose even more insufferable and her bonding with Preeta and Ben being annoying, we’ll get to him.. WE’LL GET TO HIM. But they aren’t funny or interesting, there’s nothing THERE to really get me interested, nothing new or fresh that we haven’t seen done better before. There’s just nothing, it feels like large parts of blank space. And to illustrate this my Niece, who I watched the film with and really loves Tom and Jerry after I showed it to her... played with other stuff during most of those scenes. And she’s young, her attention span is not great.. but noticably during the actual scenes of slapstick she was glued to the tv, just like she was when I showed her the classic shorts. It’s not just old farts like me who remember tom and jerry from their youth.. it’s the kids your TRYING to appeal to that don’t want this. If you can’t get kids, who in general and speaking from my own personal experience will watch just about anything, to pay attention YOU. HAVE. FAILED.

Okay took a second to compose myself, let’s move on to the rest of the movie. So after T-Pain stabbed music in the throat, we get to the worst section of the film as Kayla brokers peace between the two to get Preeta’s ring back after the three end up in the aformnetioned violence ball with Terrance, who she ducks his claims that she didn’t catch the mouse.. which she did not but for once she’s sympathetic as Terrance is much more likeable either, though gaslighting him and getting him put on leave is a bit extreme. Bafflingly, Kayla gets his job as event cordinator for now, and thus has to broker peace between the two warring factions.. and does so in the strangest way possible: by booking a day for them in new york to hang out and be BUDDIES!. This isn’t bad as the last film as it dosen’t last, but it is just.. surreal seeing the two having a hanging out montage around new york. Like the film just took a really weird turn with this, the montage itself isn’t weird, it’s standard shenanigans minus the fighting but still good stuff. Unlike the 90′s movie instead of singing about being palls or helping a small child, they just get into cartoony shenanigans together. More proof the film could’ve been so much better just with them.

Speaking of proof the film would’ve been better without them , Ben fucks around with a drone for the wedding, after Preeta confided in Kayla the wedding’s getting to be a bit much. So let’s talk about Ben shall we? While Preeta is just nice, friendly and down to earth, Ben... is a dumbass, a jackass and just an ass. His whole schtick is that he keeps escalting the wedding despite her wishing he’d stop, and i’ts just.. not funny. A guy ignoring his partner’s wishes, constnatly doing big gestures in large part to try and win over her dad who RIGHTFULLY hates, and in general just sucks. I do not blame this on Colin Jost: He’s perfectly charming on SNL, and Weekend Update is usually damn fun under him and Micheal Che. But like with Pena and Mortez, he’s given NOTHING to work with, and furthe rmore can’t improvise.. aka the skill most SNL cast and almnus walk away with. So it’s no suprise he instead comes off like an anoying plank of wood you want to see fall down a manhole and never return so Preeta can marry someone else. I dunno the Doorman’s a pretty cool guy, and if he’s taken or something there’s always Droopy. Droopy’s the smoothest motherfucker and we all know. And if HE’S taken there’s mustache man. The point is we have a Dating Game’s worth of elligble bachelors and the film tries to sell a plank of wood who clearly wants to bang Preeta’s dad more than he wants a genuine equal relationship with Preeta.

So that dosen’t help the final act.. which is started with something REALLY weird to round off tom and jerry’s day as Tom catches a ball, interupts a play and get.s. thrown in the pound for it?

I don’t know how tha’ts a crime, I don’t get it either, point is the animal control guy is a creep who shows them off as they pass some angry dogs.. and..

MY BOY. There was an earlier joke with him taking the place of The Joker, and I thought that was it sadly but nope there he is! While, given they don’t really have much to do with each other, it is a tad weird he’s been grafted onto the tom and jerry legacy.. I really don’t care because it means Droopy gets to show up every so often in other stuff like this.. And hopefully the spinoff series coming in the summer. I”ve talked before about how much I love this dog so having him show up here was a HUGE delight and easily the higlihgt of the film and the gag is perfect. WHy is he in prison? I don’t know. But given who we’re dealing with I also assume he just disappeared later and showed up at the Wolf’s place again to get the evidence to clear his name and to help a young brodway hopeful played by Peyton R LIst get to her audition in time. And yes I just imagined another live action film with a classic character.. but admit it you’d rather be watching that one. They also run into butch who tries to force him to eat Jerry or they’ll kill him.

Terence saw the arrest on the tv though, so he bails the two out, pits them against each other, and sets them loose at the wedding. This goes how you’d expect. the two cause chaos and thanks to Weekend UpDumbass there’s pecocks, tigers and elephants, and Jerry naturally spooks the elephants, Spike, who has it in for tom as usual, goes after tom the tiger goes after him and the wedding is destroyed. Preeta breaks up with Ben and leaves, and Kayla is fired.

Less good is that Tom gets thrown out because Terrance backed out on his deal because he’s a fucking asshole. So while Kayla gripes to her sorta loveintrest bartender man, and wishes she could fix things, T and J show up, both realizing it’s their fault and both with a plan to fix things leading to our climax. Kayla goes back to the hotel, and while Terrance tries to boject she rightfully blackmails him. Sadly neither get their commupance and while Mustache Manager puts two and two together, he’s all for ending this PR Nightmare and helping with Kayla’s plan to get ben to stage a wedding in central park that Preeta actually wants while our two actual heroes go to stop her and do some light kidnapping of toodles to get Preeta to stop.

So it ends how you’d expect: Preeta makes a huge mistake, seriously Droopy go to their honemoon I guarantee Ben will wonder off into the ocean because he thought it looked sick bro, Kayla gets her job back and in a move that makes her almost tolerable hires the woman she stole from who Terrance clearly wants to bang, and Tom actually catches Toot’s eye, but then Jerry mucks it up because cockblocking tom has been his job since the 40′s, they fight, Kayla tells them to cut it out, they put an the end thing over it. Roll credits.

As you could tell I had issues with this film and had more the more I thought about it. So it’s not very good.. but I still recommend watching it if you have Max right now. Yes really. While the human parts are pretty awful as you could tell, you can have some fun mocking them, and it’s worth suffering through them for the bits with our boys, as those bits are geneuinely energetic, fun and what you came for. If you like tom and Jerry, you probably won’t like this movie.. but you’ll enjoy those bits. Hopefully if there’s a sequel, and this film was a suprise hit so their probably will be, they’ll learn their lesson from this one and focus less on the humans and more on the hyjinks but overall this is just a medicore waste of some really great technology and slapstick. This is just one huge ball of dispaointment instead of cartoon violence and i’m sorry it ended this way. If you liked this review, you can follow me on my patreon at patreon.com/popculturebuffet. Even 1 dollar a month helps and my next stretch goal nets a Darkwing Duck episode a month, so if that excites you, please sign up. And if you can’t afford to that’s fine and feel free to stick around anyway. Times are hard and I get that. And I will see you at the next rainbow.

#tom and jerry #tom and jerry 2021 #tom and jerry movie #tom and jerry the movie #tom cat #jerry mouse #droopy #toodles #spike #micheal pena #chloe grace moretz #kim jeong #colin jost #hbo max #mgm #warner brothers

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ineedahugesticktobeatyou · 3 years

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Be Mine, Valientine!

One Shot scritta per il terzo e ultimo giorno del @malex-cupid

Dialogue prompt: “However many years we have left, I want to spent them all with you.”

Ao3

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La sala è una bolla di calore piena fino all'orlo di emozioni - suoni, colori e profumi che si rincorrono e si mischiano, l'uno dentro l'altro, come onde nel mare. Alex inclina la testa, l'immagine congiurata dalla sua mente che diventa note e parole in un sorprendente lampo di ispirazione. E lui ci prova, cerca di afferrare il pensiero prima che svanisca ma il momento è già passato, andato via veloce com'è arrivato, perduto per sempre tra i pensieri troppo distratti di quella giornata. Alex ci pensa un attimo su, si chiede se valga o no la pena sforzarsi di ripescare l'idea appena perduta e decide che no, va bene così, è sicuro che la sua ispirazione possa fare di meglio che riempirgli la testa di versi sdolcinati. Anche perché ne ha già tanti di suo, taccuini pieni, può fare serenamente a meno di quelli congiurati da questa giornata. Alex torna a concentrarsi sulla sua overdose da zuccheri, un'altra forchettata di torta che viaggia dal piatto alla sua bocca, la posata ancora a mezz'aria quando Kyle si siede accanto a lui. O meglio, si schianta, drammaticamente stanco. Come se avesse appena dovuto spostare tavoli e sedie per liberare il pavimento e trasformarlo in una pista da ballo. Cosa che ha effettivamente fatto, ok, ma ad Alex sembra comunque un po' esagerato. E può non approfittare della cosa per prenderlo in giro?

"Brutta cosa la vecchiaia, eh? Ci si stanca per niente."

"Ah ah, come sei divertente! Abbiamo la stessa età, simpaticone. Solo che tu non sei stato condannato ai lavori forzati dalla tua dolce metà aliena."

Kyle sarà anche esagerato ma ha ragione. Alex è stato esonerato da qualsiasi sforzo, per volere insindacabile di Micheal e, in passato, la cosa lo avrebbe fatto scattare sulla difensiva, come se la cosa implicasse chissà che fallimenti da parte sua o come se fosse un modo per dirgli che la sua disabilità lo rendeva incapace persino di spostare una sedia. Oggi, per fortuna, sa che non è così, ha fatto un po' di pace coi suoi nuovi limiti e, soprattutto, ha imparato a godersi tutte le piccole protettive attenzioni di Michael. Specie in giornate come questa, troppo lunghe già appena cominciate.

"Ho supervisionato i lavori." Alex fa spallucce, tranquillissimo.

"Certo, a distanza e mangiando torta, molto molto efficiente."

Alex fissa Kyle negli occhi e mangia un altro pezzo di torta, lentamente, come a sottolineare per bene la cosa. "Efficientissimo!"

Kyle sbuffa una risata nasale, divertito oltremisura. Sono stanchi e felici e tutto sembra più divertente di quello che è. Più bello. Più intenso.

Il buio che entra dalle finestre rende le luci più vibranti e le minuscole candele sui tavoli brillano come piccole stelle. Alex ridacchia di se stesso, di questi paragoni che continuano ad esplodergli in testa, eterei, non voluti, a tanto così dall'essere melensi come le frasi dei cioccolatini.

"Tutto bene?" chiede Kyle.

"Sì sì, non ti preoccupare. È che continuano a venirmi in mente cose che potrei scrivere ma…"

"Non vanno bene?"

"Mmm non lo so, sfuggono via troppo in fretta per saperlo davvero. Sarà la stanchezza."

"O magari è che ci sono così tanti imput sensoriali oggi, che alla fine ci sono troppe informazioni da processare."

"E nessuna fa presa?" Alex non sa se la spiegazione di Kyle è corretta, ma gli sembra sensata, non fosse altro perché sotto sotto suona vagamente scientifica.

"O sarà la stanchezza, chi può dirlo!" È sì, tutto sommato, questa continua a essere la cosa più probabile.

Le luci si abbassano e si rialzano nel giro di un battito di ciglia e Max e Liz si ritrovano al centro della pista da ballo. Lei è una visione in bianco, la sposa più bella che Alex abbia mai visto, e lui… lui è la personificazione degli occhi a cuoricini, la faccia di uno che cammina a un metro da terra, adorante.

"Sono felici da fare schifo!" commenta Kyle con un sorriso che gli riempie tutta la faccia. Alex è d'accordo. Osserva Max e Liz stringersi le mani, la presa che si trasforma in un abbraccio, un piccolo cerchio d'amore che comincia a muoversi seguendo la musica. E Alex finalmente capisce. Ed è una specie di rilevazione rendersi conto che tutte le sdolcinatezze sbocciate nella sua testa oggi non hanno a che fare tanto con il matrimonio di Max e Liz, quanto con quello che ha intenzione di fare lui. Perché lui vuole la stessa cosa per sé e per Michael ed è a tanto così dal renderlo reale. È esaltante ed è un po' stupido che se ne sia accorto solo adesso, come se non avesse preparato tutto nei minimi dettagli, come se non avesse provato e riprovato il discorso da fare, da solo davanti allo specchio, ridicolo, folle, innamorato. Da fare schifo, come direbbe Kyle.

"Chiederò a Michael di sposarmi!"

Kyle si strozza respirando, come se all'improvviso non si ricordasse bene come si fa. Alex non aveva nessuna intenzione di dirglielo ma le parole gli sono sfuggite di bocca senza che potesse controllarle, come se tutto d'un tratto l'emozione fosse diventata troppa ed incontenibile.

"Non dire niente!" si affretta a dire, senza fiato, gli angoli della bocca bloccati in un accenno di sorriso. Kyle si sporge verso di lui, gli afferra un braccio.

"Alex!"

"No Kyle, dico sul serio, non dire niente a nessuno."

Perché è la giornata di Max e Liz e non voglio rubargli la scena.

Perché già l'anno scorso la vostra invadenza ci ha rovinato i piani.

Perché voglio che il momento sia solo mio e di Michael.

Alex ha un sacco di ragioni pronte per intimare l'amico al silenzio ma non ha il tempo di usarne nemmeno una. Michael li raggiunge al tavolo, Isobel aggrappata a lui, una mano già tesa verso Kyle, le dita che si agitano.

"Balliamo!" esclama, la voce soffocata dalla musica alta ma chiarissima, felice, esaltata. Kyle afferra la sua mano e si fa trascinare in piedi, un occhio a lei e uno ad Alex, gli occhi un po' sbarrati, un piccolo sorriso scemo che rischia di mandare tutto a rotoli. Alex ingoia la sua stessa risata nervosa, imbriglia la sua espressione con tutto l'autocontrollo che riesce a trovare e allunga entrambe le mani verso Michael.

"Balliamo anche noi?"

Micheal non aspetta altro, intreccia le dita alle sue e lo rimette in piedi, poi se te lo tira contro e comincia ad indietreggiare verso il centro della sala. Se anche ha percepito qualcosa di strano nell'atteggiamento di Kyle, Michael non gli dà nessuna importanza, tutto preso da Alex e dalle sue mani lunga la schiena.

Questioni di priorità, pensa Alex, la curva del suo sorriso premuta con un bacio contro il collo di Michael.

Un paio di coppie più in là, Kyle e Isobel ballano abbracciati stretti come loro. Alex intercetta lo sguardo di Kyle.

Non dire niente!

---

La musica passa da un lento all'altro e poi a qualcosa di decisamente più agitato a cui Alex si sottrae. Rosa reclama un ballo con Kyle e lui ne approfitta per spingere delicatamente Micheal verso Isobel. Si guadagna uno sguardo un po' tradito, come se farlo ballare con Isobel fosse uno sgarbo. Non lo è ovviamente e il finto disappunto di Michael sparisce nell'esatto momento in cui lei gli si attacca al collo.

Alex aggira le altre persone in pista, sorride a Liz che balla col padre, ricambia il bacio volante che Maria gli indirizza dal suo posto tra le braccia di Gregory e poi, finalmente, arriva alla porta. Dall'altra parte lo accoglie una sferzata di aria gelida. Il contrasto con la temperatura della sala è così forte che, per un attimo, Alex rimane senza fiato. Il lato positivo però è che si porta via tutta la stanchezza e la rimpiazza con una stupefacente lucidità. File di lucine bianche e rosse avvolgono i rami degli alberi e, sotto uno di essi, dondola piano un'altalena. Sul sedile c'è una coperta e tutto intorno ci sono ancora i coriandoli a forma di cuore che hanno invaso l'aria al momento delle foto. D'altronde, un matrimonio a San Valentino non può non traboccare di cuori, veri e metaforici.

Alex si siede e l'altalena oscilla sotto il suo peso, avanti e indietro, avanti e indietro, e il suo respiro ne segue il ritmo. Non riesce comunque a disincastrare il cuore piantato in gola, l'ansia che cresce piano sotto pelle. L'attesa si consuma così, in un susseguirsi di boccate di aria fredda.

Quando Michael lo raggiunge all'esterno - la camicia sbottonata a metà, la cravatta che sbuca da una tasca e una bottiglia di champagne in mano -, ad Alex sembra di aver aspettato pochissimo e contemporaneamente di aver aspettato un tempo infinito.

"Si gela qua fuori. Non hai freddo?"

Michael si insinua in ciò che resta libero del sedile e finisce per metà premuto contro Alex, un punto di contatto continuo dalla spalla al ginocchio.

"Avevo bisogno di una boccata d'aria." Alex si stringe nella spalle, l'altalena che prende ad oscillare, ripetitiva ed ipnotica, avanti e indietro come prima, solo un po' più veloce.

"Ok, nessun motivo però per congelare." Michael guida la coperta ad avvolgere entrambi, un bozzolo di calore che li costringe ancora più vicini.

"Così va meglio." mugugna soddisfatto contro la sua guancia e Alex si gode il momento di perfetto silenzio in cui si ritrovano. A pochi metri da loro la festa continua e dalla vetrate si vedono gli sposi che continuano a ballare.

"È stata una bella giornata, vero?" È Alex a rompere il silenzio.

"Sì, non credo di aver mai visto Max così felice. Anche se non penso si sia reso conto di nulla che non fosse Liz." Michael scuote la testa, divertito.

"Lo capisco! Cioè, no nel senso di notare solo Liz - anche se è bellissima, eh -, intendo nel senso di non accorgersi davvero del resto, perché in fondo non è importante come loro."

"Mmm quindi, quando sarà il nostro turno, sarà così anche per noi? Non mi accorgerò di niente altro che te?" Michael alza gli occhi al cielo, fa finta di pensarci su, la fronte aggrottata. "Più o meno come al solito, quindi! Niente di nuovo su quel fronte!" scherza, un umido e schioccante bacio che risuona giusto sotto l'orecchio di Alex.

"Dai, fai il serio!"

Alex ride e cerca di sfuggire alle labbra di Michael e al solletico della sua barba contro la pelle.

"Sono sempre serio quando si tratta di te!"

Alex lo sa, lo sa da un pezzo ormai, ed è una consapevolezza solida come una roccia.

"Ti accorgerai solo di me, esatto, e io mi accorgerò solo di te." Onesto, sincero.

Michael sorride come un bambino davanti ad un regalo di Natale. "Mi piace!"

"Anche a me! E sarà una giornata come questa, piena di felicità e romantica, magari con meno gente però!"

"Oh sì, decisamente meno gente, decisamente!" Michael annusice lentamente, gli occhi un po' vacui come se già si stesse immaginando la scena. "Magari in primavera, o d'estate… magari circondati dai girasoli in fiore…" sembra quasi che parli a se stesso, ma Alex sente ogni parola scivolargli addosso, come gocce nel mare della sua convinzione.

"Non so quanto Isobel approverebbe davvero questo programma." Alex non crede possa essere veramente un problema ma lo dice comunque, per prendere ancora un po' di tempo, per trovare quell'ultimo briciolo di coraggio che gli manca.

"Possiamo sempre scappare e sposarci di nascosto, solo io e te!"

Alex inclina la testa a studiare Michael, i capelli un nido disordinato di ricci, lo sguardo morbido al chiarore delle lucine tra i rami sopra le loro teste. "Davvero?" gli chiede con un filo di voce, perché sa che questa è una cosa che andrebbe bene a lui ma non a Michael e al suo bisogno quasi fisico di avere le persone che ama attorno.

"Davvero, Alex! L'unica cosa di cui abbiamo bisogno per sposarci è noi due, io e te e basta. Dove, come e quando non ha nessuna importanza, basti tu. Solo tu."

Sono cose che si sono detti tante volte da quando sono tornati insieme, cose che si sono sussurrati nel buio delle notti - tante, tutte, infinite - che hanno già passato ad amarsi, cose che si sono promessi immaginado il futuro. Ora sono l'ultima spinta di cui Alex ha bisogno perché quel futuro diventi realtà, qui e adesso.

Michael sa di champagne e torta quando Alex lo bacia, una mano stretta al suo ginocchio, l'altra che scava sotto la sua stessa giacca. Il cartoncino stretto tra le dita è un po' stropicciato, gli angoli appena appena sciupati, perfettamente imperfetto. Come loro.

Michael ci mette qualche secondo per spostare la concentrazione da Alex - le sue labbra, il bacio, la mano sulla gamba - al biglietto davanti ai suoi occhi. Quando riesce a metterlo a fuoco, ridacchia, perché di solito è lui quello dei bigliettini di San Valentino. Quello di stamattina, un brillante ed argentato You're one in a universe scritto in una galassia di pianeti, deve ancora essere da qualche parte tra le coperte del loro letto, la colazione che si era raffreddata senza rimpianti sul comodino. Questo di adesso invece, è bianco, interamente ricoperto di tanti piccoli cuori in rilievo. Dentro, un unico grande cuore, il profilo stilizzato, e al centro la scritta Be Mine, Valientine! in lucide lettere rosse. Michael ride e non è per niente pronto quando la risata si trasforma in singhiozzi, quando davanti ai suoi occhi si ritrova la mano aperta di Alex e un anello.

"Vuoi sposarmi, Michael? Perché io lo voglio cosi tanto che mi manca il fiato, voglio sposarti e voglio che sia per sempre e voglio poter passare con te tutto il resto della mia vita."

"Alex…", Michael singhiozza il suo nome.

"Non importa quanti anni ci restano, io voglio passarli tutti con te! Non voglio altro… Vuoi sposarmi, Michael?"

Alex lo chiede di nuovo, le parole piene di disperata urgenza, la voce che si incrina e il cuore che sembra volergli scappare dal petto.

"Sì, Alex, sì, per sempre sì…" Michael lo grida e poi lo sussurra e poi lo imprime a fuoco in un bacio dopo l'altro, con le mani che sprofondano tra i capelli di Alex, insaziabili e possessive.

Intorno a loro l'aria è una corrente elettrica, Alex non sa se c'entrano i poteri di Michael o è solo la loro felicità ad essere così intensa da sembrare una presenza tangibile. È surreale. È magnifico.

"L'anello, dov'è?" Michael si stacca quanto basta per cercare la mano di Alex tra di loro e l'anello che scivola tremante al suo dito.

"Ci sposiamo! Alex, ci sposiamo!"

Michael ride e piange insieme, incredulo e meravigliato, come se solo ora, con l'anello addosso, ci credesse davvero.

"Ci sposiamo!" conferma Alex, e un attimo dopo Michael lo sta baciando di nuovo, labbra, guance, collo, una pioggia di ti amo umidi di lacrime.

Oltre la sua testa, al di là di una vetrata, Kyle si sbraccia con un sorriso da pazzo sulla faccia, entrambi i pollici alzati, il più ridicolo segno di approvazione possibile. E Alex lo adora. Quasi come Michael. Quasi, mai come Michael. Mai quanto Michael.

"Buon San Valentino, baby!"

#malexcupid22 #malex fic #alex manes #michael guerin #kyle valenti #roswell new mexico #rnm fic #dani writes in italian #my fics #personal

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