#my body just physically cannot cope with that

[atzaurora]

먹다-"eat."

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let them eat cake

member: ot8

pairing: fem!reader x idol!members (9th member au)

type: imagine (angst, fluff/comfort)

warnings: !!ED!! dni if you cannot cope with any topic about disordered eating or eds in general!

a/n: I thought about writing about mental health topics for a while now and decided to give it a go now. I myself struggle a lot with unhealthy eating habits and it might never go away so I think it's a great comfort story for all the people who feel the same :3 please know that you can text me anytime and you are beautiful!!! now enjoy ^^

here's my masterlist!

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"shit" you mumble, stepping down from the scale again only to step back on right away. 2 kilo more than yesterday, only if you hadn't eaten like basically half of the fridge in one go. but you couldn't help yourself.

staring at all the snacks, your stomach empty for at least 5 days. you had to.

so you ended up sitting on the kitchen floor, mascara running down your cheeks as you stuffed food into your mouth, more and more, till you physically couldn't fit any more into your stomach. exhausted from everything you went straight to bed, after cleaning everything up, making sure none of the others saw what had happened to all the food.

you didn't wanna be like this, starved, low on energy, no motivation for even the smallest things but you couldn't do anything against it. but you didn't tell anyone, in fact, your management was more than happy about how your body looked which only made you keep going, -1,2,3,4,5,6... you needed to loose more, the desire to lose more, now too big to stop.

you could see the others starting to notice, the way Seonghwa had looked into your eyes after laying his hand around your wrist, he could feel how thin it was. "honey are you alright?" he had asked. "I'm fine, everything is great, why would you ask?" you bluntly responded, that answer already being on autopilot by now.

he left you alone after that response, he didn't want to bother you, yet he knew something was wrong. and he wasn't the only one, everyone looked at you worried after you spit out yet another "I'm not hungry" when they offered you food. but it still worked. no one was brave enough to speak up and say that they knew you were in fact not fine.

today was another day of dance practice. a quite intense one actually, which was not the perfect combination to a 5 days empty stomach. but you had to pull through. everybody went into the car, Jongho getting in last and shutting the door as he drove you all to the company.

in the practice room, everyone set down their things, turning on the music and getting in position. standing up already made your vision go black for a few seconds, you didn't even wanna know what would happen if you did such an intense dance. but you guess you are about to find out.

the room was a whirlwind of activity as everyone settled in, stretching and chatting, the atmosphere a mix of excitement and exhaustion. You placed your bag in the corner, taking a deep breath as you tried to ignore the gnawing emptiness in your stomach. You could feel the concerned glances from the other members, their silent worry a weight you couldn’t shake off.

"Y/N, you okay?" Wooyoung’s voice broke through your thoughts, his eyes searching yours for any sign of truth.

"Yeah, just a bit tired," you lied, forcing a smile. "Ready to dance."

You moved into position, the music starting to pulse through the speakers. The choreography was demanding, each step requiring precision and energy you didn’t have. As the dance progressed, you felt your limbs growing heavier, your vision starting to blur. You pushed yourself harder, desperate to keep up, 'don't you dare give in now' you told yourself, but your body had reached its limit.

Halfway through the routine, your legs gave out, and you crumpled to the floor. then nothing. not a sound, no light, just complete darkness. you took it too far this time. fuck. the music stopped abruptly, replaced by the sounds of panicked voices and hurried footsteps. your vision and hearing then came back after a few seconds but everything was blurry, seemed almost unreal.

"Y/N!" San was the first to reach you, his face a mix of fear and concern. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"I’m fine," you tried to say, but your voice was weak, barely audible. The room spun around you, and you felt yourself being lifted off the ground, strong arms carrying you out of the practice room.

Everything became a blur after that, a flurry of worried faces and hurried words. You were taken to the company’s infirmary, where a doctor checked your vitals, their expression grave.

"She’s severely malnourished and dehydrated," the doctor said, looking at the others. "She needs rest and proper nutrition immediately."

Hongjoong’s face was tight with worry, his usual calm demeanor shattered. "How could this happen?" he muttered, more to himself than anyone else.

You were too exhausted to respond, your body shutting down as you were hooked up to an IV. The room was quiet, the silence heavy with unspoken fears. You drifted in and out of consciousness, feeling a hand squeeze yours gently. Based on what you could feel you were pretty sure it was Wooyoung. you knew how his hand felt in yours and this gave you at least a bit of comfort in this moment.

When you finally woke up, you were back at the dorm, lying in your bed. The room was dimly lit, and you could hear soft voices from the living room. You tried to sit up, but your body protested, every muscle aching.

"Hey, don’t move too much." Yunho's voice was gentle as he entered the room, a worried smile on his face. "You need to rest."

You looked at him, tears welling up in your eyes. "I’m sorry," you whispered, your voice breaking. "I didn’t want to worry anyone."

Yunho sat down beside you, his expression softening. "We’re more worried about you than anything else, Y/N. We’ve noticed for a while now, but we didn’t know how to help."

"Why didn’t you say anything?" you asked, feeling a mix of guilt and relief.

"We wanted to, but we didn’t want to push you away," he admitted. "We’ve all been so worried."

The door opened, and the rest of the members filed in, their expressions a mix of relief and concern. Yeosang stepped forward, his eyes filled with determination.

"We’ll look out for you more, Y/N. We’re going to get through this together."

Tears streamed down your face as you nodded, the weight of your struggles finally lifting. You knew it wouldn’t be easy, but with their support, you felt a glimmer of hope. You weren’t alone anymore.

Mingi handed you a bowl of soup, his smile encouraging. "Start with this, okay? Small steps."

You took the bowl, feeling the warmth spread through your hands. You looked at the soup for a bit, handing it back to Mingi, who gave you a confused glance. "can you do it?" you asked quietly. "you want me to feed you?" he smiled softly "sure sweetheart." he lifted the spoon giving you small portions to swallow.

the others sat around you, their presence a comforting reminder that you were loved and cared for.

For the first time in a long time, you felt a sense of peace. You had a long road ahead, but with them by your side, you knew you could face it. Together.

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[daincrediblegg]

I think what really gets me goin about that frankenboy is that he is the perfect cross between thackery binx and billy butcherson that the world has always needed but my body was literally not designed to be able to handle that considering how strong my lust for those characters individually over the years has been

[starsonmarsy]

.

[mejomonster]

hate panic attacks think they’re possibly the worst experience inside

[klwrites]

Young love 3/3 (Damian Wayne x reader)

Requests!!

Damian struggles to cope with the anxiety of your situation as the rest of the Wayne family still cannot understand how their boy ran away with a girl.

-> part two

“So, you put her in ice, and that made the fire go out?”

Dick tried to understand. Bruce had told him this mission would be very dangerous, with possible brain washing and mind games involved, but he just saw two young people in a hotel room recovering from a traumatic event.

“Yes.”

“Her body needs to go to parasympathetic mode to stop the flames?”

“Because cold water exposure activates the vagus nerve which slows down her breathing and heart rate,”

Damian explained,

“It freezes your body so you physically can’t panic anymore. These flames all seem panic induced.”

Damian wanted to take you back to his house where they could keep eyes on you, and help you manage your powers. He couldn’t tell you that yet though. You were waiting in the hotel room while they talked in the hallway. You laid in bed weak, every time you close your eyes you could see through the perspectives of your dying flames, and it hurt.

“That seems like luck, Damian, Bruce is not very trusting of her right now, I doubt he’ll take her in.”

“It wasn’t luck!” Damian yelled.

That statement specifically pissed him off. It wasn’t luck, when he felt your hand on his face he could tell exactly how you felt, and exactly what you needed. That’s not luck.

“Whatever it was, good luck explaining yourself to Bruce, I’m getting a room next door. Let me know when you’re ready to go and what the plan is.”

Damian returned to the room and slammed the door. What now? Damian hadn’t thought of that. You had no life to return to, and he could help that. But is that weird? Is that necessary?

Damian had start to become a little self aware toward the “bias” towards you he has, and didn’t want to come off strong.

I’ll just give her some money and my number, and leave.

“(Your name)?”

You were asleep again, your life was living through the flames and there wasn’t enough energy for it all. You were weak and recovering. Damian looked at you for a moment, and looked off into nothing with a sad gaze.

I can’t leave her.

However, he snapped out of it, and quickly gathered up money for you prepared with a note. The Wayne boy couldn’t think of what to say, what wouldn’t be overwhelming, but decided on a simple

- Damian

Damian zipped his bag, and while he put it on he took a moment to stare at you finally at peace.

I want her to keep that peace

How could you do that without him?

What would that money even do?

Damian declined those thoughts and declared them irrational, and quickly turned and slipped out the door. He knocked on Dicks door,

“One second!” Dick called.

Damian waited.

Has she seen the money yet?

Damian worried you would think about when he said he wouldn’t leave you until this was over, would you hold that against him?

Damian huffed at his thoughts, and banged on the door again.

“I said I was coming!”

Damian pictured you, lost, looking for him.

Would she even know where she is?

He started to get angry with his brain for not shutting up about you.

Why should I even care? She burnt down my city and made me shoot my father. I should bring her to Arkham asylum.

You weren’t his problem, so he wished he’d stop worrying.

Dicks “second” was starting to feel like too many eternities with infinite worries about you, so Damian turned around. He just wanted to quiet his brain, he’d tell himself.

Damian started to run as fast as he could, unable to bare the thought of you being worried any longer. Not to mention what if you got scared and started a fire?

I never even told her what I did to fix this.

Damian ran faster, he nearly missed the door where you laid. He shakily tried to slide the key in, but missed a few times before getting it right. His chest was so tight.

And there you were, asleep.

He felt a little stupid, and it made him angry. No one’s made him feel like this, it would be dangerous to keep you around if he’d keep acting this way, he thought.

But then again, leaving you lost would be completely immoral, he thought.

Damian set his bag down and sighed. Why, for the first time ever, is his emotions getting in the way?

“(Your Name)?” He called.

Secretly, he enjoyed even the thought of your name. He was captivated by finally learning your name. Damian stood over your bed watching for you to wake, but you didn’t.

Damian felt solely devastated. Defeated.

His voice stuttered your name again.

Nothing.

Dick then entered the room with his bag packed, ready to go.

“Damian? Ready?” Dick knocked on the door while entering the room to find his younger brother on his knees, at a loss for words.

“Damian? Damian, what happened?” Dick rushed to your side.

Damian sat there sobbing, unable to look while Dick observed nearly every inch of your body. He paused his search and stared at your face. It was vaguely familiar.

“Damian, stay right here.”

Dick exited the room, and dashed to the hotel lobby, where his eyes instantly landed on his target.

“Kori! Don’t go!”

Kori turned from the front desk, where she had been checking out of her and Dicks room. Last night Dick was sure to mention his free time alone to her, so she obviously came.

Kori sped to Dick, worried.

“Please, follow me.”

Damian sat still, in shock. The past few days had been completely rushed, unplanned and unwarned. He was on auto pilot the whole week. Now he was just trying to process, process for any mistakes, any answers to this.

The door opened, and his eyes widened in confusion to see Kori running in.

“You’re right.” She said to Dick.

“She looks Tameranian.”

“That would explain the fires.” Dick said, looking into Damian’s eyes.

“Let me try to fix this.” Kori grabbed your forearm, so hers was adjacent to yours

Damian quickly stood up to watch, his jaw dropped.

What kind of miracle would that be?

He continued standing quietly, worriedly watching you. He tried not to get his hopes up either.

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud blood curdling scream, he looked up at you.

You’re eyes, glowing green and wide. Cracks in your skin glowed like lava was underneath. The room was warm from the heat of you and kori’s powers, the heat created a wind softly blowing everyone’s hair.

Damian stared in awe at your beauty, even with death two seconds behind you your beauty was more radiant then ever.

Kori let go, and spoke a sentence to you in Tameranian, everyone watched intensely for your reply.

“It appears she has a rare disease that only Tameranians can develop, it causes uncontrollable outbursts of fire when (Your name) emotions are heightened.” Bruce told Damian, Kori, and Dick.

They ended up taking you to the manor to compare your blood to Kori’s and found the disease in the analysis. You were in and out of sleep most of the day, still very weak. Damian and used this time to really get to know you. He realize he could manage these feelings if he handled it right, and he did not want to mess up.

You learned a lot about Damian too, you guys would often compare sketches, or go out to find things to sketch together. You two were out one day sketching some stray cats that gathered in an alley to eat.

“Oh my gosh.. they’re so cute.” You reached your hand forwards to make peace with the animal. The kitty accepted your love fast. Without any noise coming from Damian you continued to pet the cat, neglecting your sketch. Your petting session was cut as the car walked away from you, your eyes followed the cat. The cat walked up to Damian and rubbed her cheek on his knee.

You started to giggle, all the cats in the alleyway were all over Damian, and he was completely engulfed in their affection. You never took him as the caring for an animal type, but it makes perfect sense now. You quickly reached for your pencil and paper, and began to sketch Damian playing with the kittens.

Who knew burning down the school could be the best things that’s ever happened to you?

You both returned to the manor after an hour, so Kori could help you with fighting and learning to control your powers. Today she wanted you to spar Damian, which was your first time sparring anyone other then her.

You two circled each other, then you lunged at him. When you missed you both giggled. Damian playfully shoved your shoulder,

“Is that all you got?”

You playfully shoved him back, but harder, which turned into a full on play fight. You both were snickering the entire time.

“How does it feel, Bruce?” Dick asked, keeping his eyes on you two.

“I don’t know what your referring too.”

“This entire time you think this sweet girl is kidnapped your son, but no, Damian ran away with a girl he’s obviously got feelings for.”

“I had every reason to believe what I believed.” Bruce confidently stated.

“Just admit it, you were blinded by your fatherly instincts.”

“The two are definitely going to go places together.” Kori smiled, looking at Dick. “They remind me of someone…”

Bruce sighed. “I fell in-love once when I was young too. I could tell all along it was just the young love seeping into Damian skull that made him leave. I just wanted to protect him from those feelings. They don’t end well for The Wayne’s.”

“Quit being a Debby downer.” Dick jokingly hit Bruce’s arm.

The three turned their attention back to you and Damian. Your eyes focused on each other. Smiling.

Okaaaayy I didn’t expect people to like this story so much!!! Thank you guys!!! And obviously nothing is ever really over so maybe if one of you guys have a good idea for book 2, I’ll be all over it. You guys would be suprised to hear this whole story came from trying to include Damian with some animals. I made a lot of it up as I went, suprised you guys liked it! Love you guys lots! I thrive off of comments, so pleaseeee tell me what you think!

[ghostinthegallery]

So a thing I’ve noticed about necron books…

I do not think it is controversial to say that Robert Rath and Nate Crowley really defined how a lot of us (especially me) view necrons in modern 40k lore. They did so much heavy lifting to take the faction that was literally just Terminator ripoff (aka Tyranids but worse) and make them into characters.

But they did it in such different and almost contradictory ways. And I think it boils down to this:

Rath's necrons are gods who were once mortal. Crowley's necrons are mortals forced to become gods.

(disclaimer: I don't think one author is "more correct" or whatever. Different characters experience the universe in different ways, embrace a little subjectivity does objective truth even exist?)

Let's start with Crowley. In both Severed and Twice Dead King, memories and bodies are defining features of their narratives. Oltyx can and does revisit his memories at will (not without consequence get your pins out and put em in). He is haunted by disphorakh, this feeling that he should have an organic body but does not and that this disconnect is actually killing him. The flayed ones' whole existence is steeped (literally) in flesh and blood and disphoria.

On the slightly less extreme end, in Severed Obyron remembers the flesh times vividly: the battles, the people, who and what he's lost. They are fighting the manifestation of what Obyron fears becoming: a mindless machine, “severed” from his past experiences. And the ultimate stakes in a Crowley book? Loss of memory. Loss of self. Obyron and Oltyx pay this price throughout their stories, and it eats away at them. Necrodermis makes their physical selves immortal, but their minds? Just as mortal as ever. If not even more so. The people they are were formed in flesh times, and all immortality does is wear away at them as they desperately try to cope.

Robert Rath's necrons? Not so much. Sure, Trazyn and Orikan angst about their loss of memory, but the memories of flesh for them are so distant and unreliable that they could not build their personalities around them even if they wanted to. Trazyn's link to the past is external: objects he has collected. Orikan... what memories he has of his past are fuzzy and in some cases straight up manipulated. That's distressing, but not enough to totally rock his sense of self. That’s a stark contrast to how Crowley’s necrons operate.

We all know the iconic Old Man Fight from Infinite and the Divine. Where Rath describes Trazyn and Orikan fighting and points out how stupid it would be back in the flesh times? Just two nerds hitting each other with canes. Well the flip side of that is that what is actually happening is NOT two nerds slapping each other but two immortals with incomprehensible power battling on a scale mortals cannot process.

Rath’s necrons operate on scales mortals barely understand. Oh, the Greek gods destroyed one city? Troy took em ten years? Trazyn and Orikan wiped out a planet's population by accident. And they are both so divorced from mortality that they don't care. Sheesh, Trazyn is so alienated from the idea of a body that in War in the Museum he informs a woman that he’s filled her up with her own dead sisters organs and I legit believe he thought this would make her feel better.

I adore both approaches! The differences in character and perspective, how they relate to the world and themselves. Yes, it creates contradictions in the lore (like why doesn’t Trazyn lose his shit knowing people like Zahndrekh or Oltyx just…remember necrontyr society perfectly clearly) but I aggressively do not care. I love the varying explorations or power, the nature of the self, the truth that none of these people have survived immortality “in tact.” Those are exactly the things that make necrons my favorite 40k faction. Hell, one of my favorite sci if aliens ever. Because both approaches are haunting and hilarious and poignant and so damn cool.

So…uh…thanks guys. Yeah.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Poor Boy

Alright so, apparently the rule for me is going to be that I have to watch every Only Friends episode multiple times. Because the first watch through is just vibes and pure, unadulterated emotional reactions to whatever is being laid in front of me; and the second watch through I have to keep pausing the show every thirty seconds to make another observation.

I don’t know what it is about Episode 4s but they are always where everything starts kicking in to high gear for me. Now, not sure how many more academic papers I am going to be able to write for the bit for this show, but there are so many things about body language, about hands, about relationship dynamics, about drug use, etc that are swarming in my head at this point. 

In constantly talking some other tumblr users ears off about this show, @lurkingshan tasked me with writing a post about Only Friend’s seventh main character.

The POOR BOY shirt. 

Why? Because god are there already some juicy literal and metaphorical character dynamics at play with this shirt, (at least in my perception) and I have been commanded to discuss them, and if you have not realized it by now I love discussing my silly little gay shows. 

What is initially and primarily intriguing to me is the fact that the Poor Boy shirt ends up making rounds in the show. Sand gives the shirt to Ray → Ray keeps the shirt rather than returning it to Sand → Ray gives the shirt to Mew. 

To each of these characters, the shirt means something different, not only from a place of sentimentality, but from a literal, textual meaning. 

Sand

Sadly, we have not yet seen Sand wear the Poor Boy t-shirt, but he is the original owner. From my view, Sand’s relationship to the t-shirt is fairly simple. It is a literal translation of Sand’s own economic status. Sand is poor, and the Poor Boy t-shirt speaks directly towards his everyday reality. 

Sand’s decision to put Ray in this shirt feels petty. Sand is very aware that Ray is rich. (I mean, his first words to Ray when they wake up the next morning are “you’re up, rich boy?”) Now, obviously we cannot peer in to Sand’s mind about the fashion choices he is making, but the entertainment value of seeing this rich boy in a poor boy shirt was there. In this capacity, the Poor Boy shirt serves as a physical manifestation of the wealth disparity between Sand and Ray. Sand owning that shirt is a literal statement, Ray wearing that shirt is hilariously ironic. 

Or is it? 

Ray

We know (or at least can suspect) that Ray has some sort of alcohol dependence from the very first moment we meet him, based on his ascribed role as The Drunk. On the off chance the initial reaction was not “oh this kid is an alcoholic” the narrative continues to build that aspect of Ray’s character when his second trip to the bar also results in him getting plastered, and when he drinks from a flask in the middle of the day, and when he is constantly seen on screen with a whiskey glass in his hand. 

Now, I will not say that everyone who is an alcoholic drinks as a trauma response, but I will say that there are many people who use substances to cope with life stressors. So, when I see Ray with alcohol constantly, that is an indication to me that there is maybe something more beneath the surface of his party boy aura. 

We learn in Episode 2 that Ray’s mother died and he was present for her death (#trauma). [In case you didn’t notice, Ray’s mother died with an empty glass in her hand and empty liquor bottle at her side.]

Sand jokingly calls Ray out on his motivation for paying Sand to hang out with him: “Now I know. You’re a lonely spoiled rich brat. Your friends left you because they have lovers. That’s why you need a new friend. Your life is dramatic. Poor you.” 

Sand says it teasingly, with a smile on his face. But Ray? Ray turns his back to Sand, takes a long pull from his glass, and heads over to the record player.

Perhaps you know where I am going with this already, but I want to just take a second to review the order of events by which I am going to make my final conclusions about this shirt in relation to Ray. 

Episode 1

Ray is introduced piss drunk and hanging on to the edge of the toilet for dear life, he is quick to anger, he gets drunk at the bar again, he tries to drive home, Sand drives him back to his apartment, he wakes up in the Poor Boy shirt, he gets kicked out of Sand’s apartment for being a #rudeboy, Ray calls Mew, Mew wonders how he got to Sand’s place when Boston said he would take care of Ray. In short, Ray gets extremely drunk, is abandoned by all of his friends, taken home by Sand and as a result is adorned with the Poor Boy t-shirt. 

Episode 2 

Our first Ray sighting in Episode 2 he is sitting outside drinking a nip, alone. No one inside the hostel even questions where he is. Mew is the one that goes outside to check on him, calls out his drinking habits, and tells Ray “I can’t be your emergency staff all the time”. Ray sees Sand selling something on campus and follows him around. He breaks Sand’s plum wine bottles and then offers him 10,000 bhat to just hang out, drink, and listen to music. Sand learns about Ray’s dead mother. Ray goes wakeboarding with the rest of the college pals, Ray tries to help Cheum, makes her ankle hurt worse, and literally the only person that talks to him besides to tell him to stop (Chuem) and to question his ability to help (Top) (aka the only person who engages in casual conversation with Ray) is Mew. Ray has his second hang out with Sand, Sand calls out the fact that Ray’s friends have abandoned him because they all have lovers, he says he will be friends with Ray, and Ray and Sand fuck. 

Episode 3

Episode 3, Ray clings to Sand the morning after, offers to drive him to school, volunteers to handle the music for the pool party (much to the surprise of all of his friends). Ray then spends most of the rest of his screen time either flirting with Sand or simping over Mew. Top belittles Ray, Boston calls out Ray’s crush on Mew and calls Ray’s life dramatic, Ray is left alone at the party and runs in to Sand, offers to take Sand home, starts making out with Sand, and then interrupts the guaranteed dicking down that he just convinced Sand to make an exception for when he pulls himself fully and instantly out of that make out session to answer Mew’s call, pissing off Sand. 

Episode 4

Episode 4 opens with (yet another) show stopping performance by Khaotung (seriously this dude is a powerhouse) where we learn that Ray was at one point actively suicidal and made an attempt. We learn in a very short period of time there that Ray does not have a lover, a sibling, or family that he feels like he can rely on. Mew is his emergency contact because he is the only person who is consistently taking care of Ray. On the phone with Mew, Ray says “If I’m gone, I won’t be anyone’s burden anymore, right?” When Ray breaks down sobbing as Mew holds him, Ray says “No one loves me. I’m all alone. Everyone hates me. My mom never loved me. Her life was ruined because of me. She died because of me. She never hugged me like this, you know? I’m bad luck, Mew. No one loves me!” and it is at this point that we can look back at all these other interactions Ray has had over the three prior episodes and see that two years after his suicide attempt, he is still being called a burden by friends and strangers, he is still alone.

[As an aside: I want to make it extremely clear that there is a lot of juicy complexity to Ray’s dynamic with his friend group. I am not saying that his friends are inherently bad people for the distance they place between themselves and Ray. First, they are college students, second Ray has a lot of mental health and addiction things going on that they are not equipped to handle, and having to constantly manage a friend with an addiction, especially one that can make them escalate situations really quickly (see Ray ready to fight Sand in the bathroom within like, thirty seconds of talking) is challenging. But I am also not going to absolve them entirely of the kind of statements they make about Ray, when they don’t return his ‘i love yous’ when he’s drunk and when they call him a burden, because these are things that were such a strong part of his belief system that they are part of the driving thoughts he verbalizes when he tries to kill himself.]

While it took us fully four episodes to get there, we find that the Poor Boy t-shirt that Ray wakes up wearing in Episode 1, while inaccurate for his literal financial reality, is incredibly, aggressively precise and accurate to Ray’s emotional reality. 

Mew

Cutting back to present day in Episode 4, Mew has been picked up by Ray and brought over to his house to spend the night. Ray’s first action in the scene is to turn to the coat rack he has in his room, pull a white shirt from it, and hand it to Mew to change in to for pajamas. Ray asks Mew why Top didn’t pick him up and Mew states that he did in fact call, but Top was busy fucking Boston helping his dad at the hotel. Ray makes a comment about being a substitute and feeling forgotten when Mew is with Top, Mew tells Ray that he is his most beloved friend, and then he looks at the shirt, turns it around to show Ray and asks:

“Is this yours?”

Now, I assume Ray is aware of what shirt he gave Mew to wear, but there is something disconnected in what I am reading from Ray’s reaction to seeing Mew hold up the shirt. 

To me it seems a bit like Ray is...not surprised, but perhaps uncertain? He knows that shirt is Sand’s but he has spent all this time at the party trying to convince Mew that he isn’t interested in Sand, that there is no attraction between them, because Ray is still hung up on Mew and some part of him is hoping there is a chance. Ray lets Mew tease him “Poor boy, seriously? How dare you wear this?”

Ray remains quiet, until Mew once again presses Ray about getting together with Sand.

 “Why don’t you hit on Sand? I think he’s lovely” (preface- I do not know Thai, but I do know that ‘narak’ typically means cute. Mew definitely says ‘narak’ when he refers to Sand, but it is translated as lovely so the caption may not be completely accurate). “I want you to have a boyfriend. Dating a musician is freaking cool.”

Now, there are a couple things I see at play in this moment. First, I am pretty certain that Mew is still very much aware of Ray’s crush on him. I think the casual comments Mew makes about Top being the first person to make his heart tremble and how heavily he is pushing Ray to ask Sand out or even to just try to figure out if Ray does genuinely have interest in Sand are ways for Mew to kindly, gently remind Ray that he does not reciprocate any romantic feelings. 

Secondly, Mew is and will be commenting on traits that apply to either himself or adjacently to Ray. When Mew says dating a musician is freaking cool, we know he is referring to Sand who is actually a musician. But for Ray, who is desperately in love with Mew, is it too far of a stretch for Ray to believe that Mew’s sentiment may also apply to people with really strong tastes and interests in music?

Third, Boston has stirred up some resolve in Ray from the party, trying to convince him that he needs to tell Mew that he is interested, to even have a fighting chance at maybe getting Mew to date him. So he lies: 

“No. I don’t want to be in a relationship just yet. Besides, Sand isn’t my type.” 

Something I absolutely love about Only Friends so far is that no one is telling the truth 100% of the time, but also no one is lying 100% of the time and we don’t yet know enough about most of the characters here to be completely certain which parts they are being truthful about. Nick is lying to Boston, or at least keeping secrets from him (he did not tell Boston he bugged the car), but he will fully, easily, and readily admit to Sand that he bugged the car and recorded Boston and Top having sex. He will fully, easily, and readily admit that he is nasty and also that he isn’t trying to blackmail Top. Top will omit the information that he slept with Boston, but he will admit to drug use and pull a baggie of coke out of his pocket to show Mew. Some of my mutuals are still in debates around how much Top is lying, including whether or not he is telling the truth about the fire he was in as a child, etc. 

In this case for this scene with Mew, we know Ray is lying about not wanting to be in a relationship. He does want to be in a relationship…with Mew. But is he lying about Sand not being his type? It would certainly track, considering Ray was the one that initiated the sexual relationship between them and continued to pursue it. Yet at the same time, Ray is stopping in the middle of a make out session, disregarding Sand’s feelings entirely, and taking Mew’s call. And Sand’s lack of wealth is something Ray has exploited or tried to exploit on multiple occasions. (Which is in part why it is very important to recognize the second Sand realizes he may actually be enjoying Ray’s company, that he rejects all offers of money from Ray).

As Mew continues to talk, he continues to state advice that could apply to himself: “Don’t set your standards too high.” Ray is a drunken mess of a college boy, and if Mew is telling him not to set his standards too high, wouldn’t it also be possible that Mew could see Ray as a lower standard and still decide to date him? 

“Just date someone who loves you and takes care of you.” Mew is the only person that really seems to take care of Ray at this point. Boston abandoned him, Cheum doesn’t really interact with him all that much, Top hates him, etc. When Ray attempted suicide Mew said he loved him, when Ray attempted suicide Mew said he would always be there for him. Mew has supported Ray for so long, Mew has taken care of Ray for so long. And now Mew is casually naming the qualities of his good friendship to Ray as a recommendation of how to find someone to date. 

So to me, it makes total sense that Ray would try to kiss Mew and admit his feelings. 

But why is the Poor Boy shirt relevant to Mew? 

Because there is someone else we have seen take care of Ray multiple times already…

Sand. 

The OPB (original poor boy). 

Sand says he can differentiate between love and lust, but the ease at which he relents to Ray’s puppy dog eyes, the speed by which is is made upset at being abandoned by Ray, the safeguards he has in place that he is constantly undermining, we know that if Sand is not already in love with Ray he will be getting there fast.

In my opinion, the Poor Boy shirt acts not as any form of physical or emotional commentary for Mew’s state specifically, but serves instead as Ray subconsciously projecting Sand on to Mew. Despite how quickly and strongly Ray has been drawn towards Sand in recent episodes, despite the good vibes, and good sex they’ve had going on, despite their mutual attraction to one another and some matching interests, Ray has given this reminder of the first care Sand provided (despite throwing him out after Ray gave him an attitude) to Mew. And it’s not like Ray hasn’t had the opportunity to give Sand back his t-shirt. Ray and Sand have hung out there at least twice and fucked each other in Ray’s bedroom. But Ray hung on to the shirt, why? 

Sand’s shirt on Mew’s body is misplaced, either as a subconscious acknowledgement of his growing interest in Sand or as a way for Ray to physically place reminders of the care and attention Sand has been giving him on to Mew, who Ray is still crushing on, even as Mew has slowly started to pry himself away from the responsibility of taking care of Ray.

And as we approach the end of Episode 4, we see Ray start to realign his expectations, settling in to the reality that Mew has not, does not, and never will like him romantically. We are introduced for the first time, to a physical, tangible object that Ray owns that is connected to Mew and to Ray’s relationship with Mew as a result. Ray sits in the tub, the same tub he tried to die in two years ago, the same tub Mew held him in two years ago and told him he loved him and promised to always be there for him.

Ray thinks about what this pendant symbolizes, the words Mew told him when he gifted it to Ray: “You are the brightness, you are a ray of sunshine. You should be hot and lively.” Ray says at the beginning that his friends hate him, that he is all alone. So I don’t think it is a far stretch of the imagination by any means to say that Mew may be one of the first if not the first person in years to make Ray feel like he was loved, valued, supported, and understood. 

And it is not surprising as a result of that that Ray would fall in love with Mew, especially if Ray’s addiction has been ongoing for years and he has been a difficult person to maintain friendship with. 

Ray has crossed boundaries and suffered immediate consequences as a result, but those consequences included finally hearing directly from Mew that his feelings have not changed over the last two years. Ray is drunk 99.9% of the time, that doesn’t mean he’s blacked out by any means, but it does mean that frequently his judgment is going to be inhibited. It is highly likely, in my eyes, that Ray needed the direct admission rather than Mew’s gentle rejections over the last two years. 

With Mew finally voicing his regard of Ray as only a friend, Ray is now able to re-evaluate the advice Mew gave to Ray at the beginning of the episode, and consider who else (besides Mew himself) Mew’s statements might apply to. The answer, of course, was staring him in the face the entire time. With the Poor Boy shirt removed from Mew’s back, Ray is forced to understand the shirt more as a physical tie to Sand, like the keychain is a physical tie to Mew. 

(hehe this angle makes it look like it says Poo Boy or Poop Boy) 

Ray looks at the shirt and thinks back to the record shop not-a-date with Sand, the honesty Sand had with him, the ease at which Sand shared information about himself, his interests, the gentleness with which Sand treated Ray, even just placing the headphone on him. Ray thinks of the song they listened to together, titled เรา which translates to “we” and he makes his choice. 

Looking forward: I am curious if this shirt will continue to make its rounds, with Top having recently fucked Boston, there is also a total possibility that Mew is being branded as the Next Poor Boy whose life will fall apart as truths are revealed and consequences enacted. 

Thank you to @lurkingshan for edits and observations!

[bobosbillionsknives]

i agree with a lot of your points about knives, i do also think he is aroace of some kind (demi imo), but the way he ignores bodily autonomy wasn't a theme that was new to stampede. the way he consumes other plants and forced vash to use his angel arm are examples of it, though less explicitly 'sexual'. either way, his actions weren't born out of sexual attraction, he simply thinks that all plants are an extension of himself and he can use their bodies as he pleases since its for a 'greater purpose'. he is not a predator but he isn't innocent either

Oh no no no no no no no I do NOT wanna give the impression that I am genuinely defending knives is ANY way. 😭

I completely agree with everything you're saying. He is inarguably abusive. Saying he's not would be a wild ass claim to make. 🙏 My only argument here is that it isn't specifically sexual, but I'll get more into that in a bit. 😝 I have SO MUCH to say abt this...so I'm gunna use this as an excuse to word vomit on y'all. Thank you for bringing this to me I am itching.CRAVING to talk about my favorite girls always. 🤗💖

INSANE ESSAY POSTING LETS GOO !!!

I think your point on Knives seeing the plants as an extension of himself is SPOT ON!!! He does the same thing with Vash too. He's doing it because hes so stuck up his own ass he seriously thinks there is no possible way he could ever be wrong, everyone else is just too blind or stupid to see it his way. That's why he does the whole "eternal suffering for Vash the Stampede" bit. He genuinely cannot comprehend that Vash just fundamentally disagrees with him. He thinks if Vash goes out and sees every horrible thing a human can be he'll finally give up the hippy dippy act and face this false reality Knives made up as a coping mechanism so he never has to actually face any of his problems. Cause stabbing all your problems away is waaaaay easier than actual growth or change. Top ten girls who are trapped by the horrors of their past 😂!

Knives has a blatant misunderstanding of people's worth outside of himself. He disregards the lives of others constantly, he literally murdered 20 mil+ and was genuinely confused when Vash was mad at him for it. He doesn't take anything seriously. He especially doesn’t take physical pain seriously, unless it’s happening to himself. [DID YOU ACTUALLY SHOOT ME!!?] He's said that he knows none of the crazies he sends after Vash can ever kill him. He thinks if they can't kill him, then none of the hurt Vash experiences during these fights really count. Its always a game to him. He knows Vash will be fine because he has faith in his ability to fight. (He's complimented his fighting skills several times lol.) Yet he’s consistently shocked and disgusted when he sees Vashes scars, like he didn’t play a role in that ??? He just never thought of it until it was literally staring him in the face.

HE THINKS EVERYTHINGS A DAMN GAME !!!!!

Knives never really wants to force Vash to agree with him either, he's literally waited decades for him to come around to his point. He's definitely lashed out violently before, and has disregarded his safety. But I don't think he actually even likes seeing Vash in pain 😭 (maybe a little in a Itoldyouso brother kinda way lol.) He's completely horrified when he sees his scars. This panel speaks absolute VOLUMES to me. He is angry that Vash would allow people to hurt him this much. (Bro is for sure a victim blamer 🥱 Vash OBVIOUSLY should've known humans are evil and would do this to him. 🙄 HIS FAULT !) Those scars solidify in his mind that his brother is reckless, and clearly doesn't know what's best for himself. That's why he feels the right to "save" him from humans. Knives out of anyone in the world knows how much Vash disregards his own life. He's angry that his own brother would choose the perceived violence of humanity instead of the safety he has worked SO hard to cultivate for over a hundred years. After everything they learned from their childhoods, Vash would have to be deaf and dumb to keep crawling back to them. (From his perspective anyway.)

Everything Knives does he thinks is to better Vashes life. That's what makes him such a tragic character to me. He genuinely believes he's in the right and doing everything he has to so him and his brother can feel that safety that was never guaranteed to them in childhood. He loves Vash, (PLATONICALLY !!!! 😰) He wants Vash to be happy. He just doesn't understand why, that despite everything, living alongside the humans is what makes him happy. Something he only accepts at the end of trimax when he literally trees himself to assumed death so Vash could have that. Knives is unambiguously in the wrong, but I do think his thought processes are sympathetic. WRONG. But like .I get it girl. Besides, he acts more like a toxic mother than anything. How DARE you be so ungrateful after everything I've ever done for you that you've never even asked for. ✋😒 and EXPLICITLY told me not to do. Ugh. 🙄 you don't even love me…guess im just a terrible brother than huh…🥀 BITCH SHUT UP !!!!

Now about the asexuality, not only...do I think Knives is aroace. I think he's completely sex REPULSED!!!!! Sex is a mark of human degeneracy, animals clinging for power over each other. Hed think hes above it !! It would disgust him, I don't think he's ever had a sexual thought in his life. He’s also a Jesus freak he'd think procreation in general is a sin 🙄‼️ik his interpretation of the bibles gotta be INSANE. Exploring sensuality is like a normal and healthy thing to do no fucking WAY Knives is self aware enough to do all that. If he could experience any kind of libido, his hatred of humans would never allow him to explore it anyway. Since sex is such a huge part of human culture. He probably thinks consensual sex is a myth humans made up to assault each other easier…😭

this is literally him bro I can't see him any other way...🚬 He's literally a pearl clutching mom who refuses to understand anyone else's experiences because he doesn't understand them.

I can't imagine him being able to feel romantic love either...I actually think it would be pretty out of character ngl. Plus I think it could be an interesting element of why he feels so disconnected from humanity in general. It would be part of why he feels the need to define himself as alien. Knives would rather die than admit this, (and he did) but all he's ever wanted was understanding. The same way Vash does. Knives doesn't understand sexuality/romance, or deep empathy, or most social confinements at all. That's clear by his inappropriate emotional reactions and lack of a filter. He can't feel emotions the same way Vash or Rem can. It makes it very difficult for him to relate to and connect with others. Especially Rem. He feels too wrong, too broken, too alien. But he's convinced himself that this is actually a superiority. So he can sleep at night. But he's far more human than he'll ever be willing to accept. The familial love he feels for Vash is the only thing that makes him feel normal. And it's why he clings to it so desperately. I think that feeling being explicitly familial makes the most sense for the story.

(cut for explicit talk of SA/CSA)

Im never one to dismiss bad actions from a fictional character. If I thought Knives was a sexual abuser, id say it. I even considered it before I watched/read Trigun and kept it in mind the whole time because of how prevalent of a take it is. If anything, I feel like theres more evidence for metaphorical depictions of Knives BEING sexually abused than being the sexual abuser. I mean his literal whole thing is how plants bodies are used and abused against their will. Solely for the humans gain. While it's slowly and painfully killing them. And how afraid he is that they'll do it to him too....😭 He would be absolutely HORRIFIED by SA. I just don't think it's an abuse he'd perpetuate. It goes against literally everything he stands for. I get he’s a hypocrite and all but I could just never see Knives of all people doing anything sexually ever. ESPECIALLY for his own pleasure.

Both Vash and Knives read to me as CSA victims. This would need to be a separate post all together because there is entirely just too much to say. But I feel very strongly about this interpretation and it's why I'm so firm on this. Sexual abuse is a huge theme in trigun OBVIOUSLY!! And Vash and Knives can easily represent different ways people cope with trauma like that. Knives gets angry, and bitter, and lashes out. While Vash shuts himself off, and tries to run away from it all. Two extremes from two brothers. Two sides of the same coin and all that. They've been victimized, I think it's the main reason why Knives would be so angry and distrustful of humans. Now I know Steve was kind of a throw away character from the anime- but I believe long term interpersonal abuse from a human early in life would explain a lot of the deep rooted hatred Knives has for humanity. Along with his hatred for Rem if she failed to protect them, and his deep sense of entitlement to protect Vash if Vash couldn't protect himself. (Tesla was the last straw for Knives bc at least for a while he thought he could trust Conrad till all that happened and he realized the only person he could ever trust was Vash, and that fear never really left him even 100+ years after.) (My interpretation of Conrads role is also a different post gerrrrr TOO MUCH TO SAY.)

Knives' ideology has always been inconsistent, I can easily see him disregarding autonomy in some ways but refusing to in others and never making a mental connection between the two. Plus Knives would think Vashes scars are shameful and disgusting. He probably cant even make himself look at him let alone touch him be so fr. Knives' definitely has an unhealthily attachment to Vash but not in a sexy sex or ROMANCE way 🤦‍♂️ ITS JUST HIS BPD YA’LL 😝‼️#favoriteperson #extremefearofabandonment #vashkeepsleavinghim (also another separate insane essay post) there is no argument here that Knives isn’t extremely bad at emotional regulation. Familial/platonic dynamics like that happen literally all the time it’s just not evidence of anything to me. I can't even see Knives directly punching someone let alone be capable of sexual violence against his own BROTHER ? I'd argue he's far more verbally/emotionally abusive than he ever is physically anyway. He doesn't even kill directly, it's always either done without a second thought by his powers, indirectly by starving the population out, or by making other people do it for him. He doesn't seem to actually enjoy seeing people in pain, more the satisfaction of a job well done. I don't see why this wouldn't apply to Vash too? He doesn't even usually initiate their physical fights. Vash does. (He has every right to, for the record. Knives just doesn't comprehend why Vash would be mad so he always tries to talk like everything is normal. Lol.) And when they are fighting he always puts his hand on his face ?? More annoying than a direct indication of violence. He could just punch him or something but he doesn't? Like violence in Trigun isn't a thing known to happen. Idk I think that's interesting and worth exploring a bit yk ???

Obviously he chopped his arm off I'm not saying he's innocent there either, just that he's more likely to be emotionally manipulative than explicitly interpersonally violent LOOLL. He didn't chop off his brothers arm because he enjoyed it, to him that pain is neutral. It was just a super casual reminder. But SEXUAL violence is completely different, sure it'll leave scars but you can heal from physical pain all day and night I mean commooon it barely even COUNTS as real pain. (Because he rarely has to experience it.) (A certain someone's got a major empathy problem.) And if it kills you it doesn't matter cuz you're already dead 😝!! But SA is different. It's his worst fear and greatest agony. It's something he knows sticks with you your whole life, he doesn't think that's a wound capable of being healed. (So he never tries and chooses to live in constant fear and anger instead.) That's how I see it anyway...🤕 Again it's not like he's a reasonable guy he is known to be a bit unstable idk if u knew...

Actually if anything, I think Vash would be the more interpersonally violent of the two. (Vashes abuse is always reactionary tho he would never act like that if Knives would just be normal lol he is not the aggressor here.) I can't see Knives punching Vash but I could VERY easily see Vash punching Knives ykwim ??? (For trimax anyway, ik kid Knives beats the shit out of him in 98 which I DO think is funny. But I don't accept into my personal canon okay LISTEN we are talking about a lot of conflicting characterizations here. JUST HEAR ME OUT. ✋) Knives never even really blames Vash for BLOWING HIS LEGS OFF in July too, which I always thought was so interesting. It makes me think this is actually a common thing for them to the point that they don't even argue about it outside of "are you actually aiming at me again 🙄?" Which is more bitchy than angry. Like ugh I can't believe you. Typical, typical Vash. 🥱 He'd probably use it as a way of proving to him that they are the same. And despite denying it, Vash would actually agree and feel a deep sense of shame abt it. He's had 150 years of pent up anger after all. He almost killed him with a rock once lol. I'm tired of everyone woobifying Vash as some kind of perpetual uwu victim. Vash is fucking mean sometimes. He is just as capable of violence as Knives is. The same way Knives is just as capable of great kindness. It is known that Vash is in fact physically STRONGER than Knives. (With his plant powers and id assume in general because Vash actually goes outside while Knives reads in his garden all day.) I truly believe that the only reason Knives ever wins the sibling fights is because of Vashes constant hesitance. He's not a battered wife stereotype. All Vash wants is control over his own life, the last thing he'd want to see himself as is a helpless victim. It's why he always pretends nothing is ever wrong with him. It's why he doesn't accept help, and values other people's problems far above his own. His kindness was always an active choice and that's why he's such a powerful character. And Knives would bring out the absolute worst in him LOOL all that work he's done to better himself is instantly thrown out the window the second Knives' very punchable face walks in the room.

He was fighting absolute demons not to run over and beat tf out of Knives in this panel

This is why I feel so disgusted by stampede and the way they handled their relationship. They've dumbed down these characters to the point that they are unrecognizable. Literally every aspect of stampedes portrayal of them feels like a first conclusion based on a synopsis of their goals and personalities. I get there's only one season but that's a LOT to fuck up in one season bro. 😭. There is absolutely no salvaging Nai as a character for me. I'd cover my drink around that guy I find him genuinely repulsive. At least with trimax, you can read around an initial sussy reading if you wanted. How anyone defends Nai, I don't even know. That whole plant insemination thing is pretty on the nose y'all. Literally doesn't even make sense for him to do that like? Why would he want more independent plants??? It's like they tried to make Knives' motivations make sense when the whole point should be that they don't. He's fighting ghosts out of fear. Stampede wasn't even good enough to justify its own existence by how it looks. Adding peculiar plant pregnancy preggo fetish incest bait is just the turd on the turd cake. They ruined the most compelling part of the story for me. Pfft.... But whatever...🚬 not like I care ....🚬

Not to mention Legato y'all don't even get me started. The guy that HATES humans more than anything in the world taking in a HUMAN -SEX TRAFFICKING VICTIM. The one time he's ever taken pity on a human being and it was someone who was the victim of a violent sex crime. Yeah guys that dude. Total raper. Defo a brother diddler. What the fuck are we talking about right now y'all. I genuinely feel like sexual violence would be the last thing knives would ever do ever. I understand that there are sus scenes in the manga that could be interpreted this way, but considering the many themes in Trigun and his place in the story as a whole, I think it is such a misrepresentation. And it frustrates me to see it as one of the only things talked about in regards of his character. If I could, I'd rewrite every scene in the world so people could understand what I see, but I can't. And I know I can't control how other people see the media I like. Trigun is extremely interpretive, and I understand why this is a common conclusion. But I guess I just can't shake the feeling that it's more complicated than that. I have criticisms with trimax and ESPECIALLY 98. And there's obvi a lot id change to fit what I'd find most interesting. (Also why every headcanon revolves around Knives somehow teehee) BUUUUUT I do think all of my analysis is pretty based in canon. I can't stress how insane I am about this and how much I've thought about it 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕. Believe me, I've considered every obstacle. And I've stayed consistent.

Knives is a raper feels like the easy answer to me. To be completely blunt, it's just not as compelling. Vash and Knives would both have very complicated relationships with their bodies and sensualities and gender and their relation to their plantself and their humanself and blah blah blah whatever. I'd much rather explore that as a separate result of the same abuse than default to supercestsimulator69. Knives is already an abuser. Making him a sexual aggressor too doesn't really add anything to the story besides diminish and dumb down his very complex motivations. Vash and Knives should be very good friends who know each other better than anyone. (They are trauma bonded like CRAAAZZY, very codependent like y'all get it.) I think that would make their conflict SO much more interesting. While providing some great context to why Vash is so willing to give every horrible person he meets a second chance at life. If I saw my brother, who I love, and is my best friend in the whole wide world, slowly deteriorate under the pressure of the abuse we we're BOTH experiencing; go fucking crazy and kill everyone. And I KNEWW. He genuinely believed he was doing what he had to do to protect the both of us...I'd probably also give everyone the benefit of the doubt idk. Vash understanding Knives' motivations but still holding on to that (justified) resentment and anger is ESSENTIAAAL to their dynamic and also literally all of Trigun. Sexual abuse throws a rock in all of this. If anything I think Knives would tell Vash "I'm the only one who WOULDN'T assault you. They're human, they'll only see you for how useful you are. It's what they do. It's what you know they do. You're choosing them over me the same way Rem chose Steve over us." Knives' abuse is complicated and multifaceted, not just some gross display of power. He's not even the most power hungry character in the world. He's got a whole cult dedicated to him that he canonically IGNORES.

And he sure as shit doesn't respect people who are desperate for power over others!! He'd think he's above that too. Just more evidence of human deviance. (Like the scene in 98 where kid Vash and Knives are watching the humans fight over water. Animals who think one is more deserving of resources than the other.) He's narcissistic in the literal diagnosable sense but definitely not some kinda megalomaniac. I think that's a huge mischaracterization. He doesn't want to rule the world, he wants to destroy it. And he wants Vash to be his equal in this, he respects Vash. (as far as someone like Knives can respect anybody at all) He doesn't understand why Vash would choose to be so "dumb" because he's never allowed himself to feel the vulnerability of potential harm that Vash wants him to understand is worth it. It's why he locks himself away from the world, he's afraid of being victimized again. Knives' morals are all over the place, he genuinely doesn't think murder is bad but would consider sexual violence to be the worst thing anyone could ever do EVER. It's not like we're talking about the beacon of reason and consistency here y'all, Knives is cray cray sauce.

Anyway that's my thoughts, sorry this took forever to answer. 😿 And ended up being SOOO long.. I've on and off mauled over this writing and rewriting again trying to make any of my garbled thoughts make any sense. Hope it resonates with anybody at least bc I genuinely feel like I've been taking crazy pills lately LOOL. Take care of yourselves everyone. 💖 Never an easy subject to talk about.

[doggoboigaugau]

Stray dog (Part 3)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 4 / Part 5

Pairings: Ghost x Soap x Male Reader

Long story short: my old acc got terminated for no reason so I'm reposting all this💀👍

Summary: Soap invited Male Reader to join Ghost and his favorite documentaries about dinosaur fossils :D (Ghost very loves dinosaurs y'all cannot tell me otherwise).

Word count: 1950

Warnings: Nothing. It's all fluff this time.

You lost track of time and ended up stopping only when your whole body screamed at you to rest. Looking up from the training gears, you realized that there was no one left in the room. It was a habit of you to ignore everyone and everything surrounding you when it is not necessary, or maybe it’s more like a coping mechanism, since this little tricky skill prevented you from taking in redundant information, such as a close group of men joking around with each other.

This very common sight in the military and especially in the training ground always succeeded in rendering you uncomfortable, and a vague but stingy feeling prevails over your chest, sometimes so badly that it even made breathing difficult.

No matter how hard you tried to brush it aside, dismissing it as something trivial and irrelevant, you knew damn well the cause of it: You once wished to belong to a group of friends that were so close that you all would spend time doing everything together, going on mission, training, drinking, and getting drunk together at the bar. Obviously, it had never happened. It never would, judging from how every time it was only you who got left behind, drowning yourself in overpriced alcohol and your own overwhelming emotions.

It was pitch black outside as you left the training centre. You dragged your fatigued body back to the base of your Task Force, but surprisingly, in contrast to your current physical state, your mind felt empty for now. In a good way. No burdening streams of thoughts, not a single fuck given about how others saw you. You felt kind of free.

‘Guess it’s a good point for not being around people.’ On your sweat-strained face drew a genuine smile. Some people would think that it was weird to smile over something like this, not having any close people around you and just spending your entire day loitering around, doing something you considered to be productive but by no means enjoyable. To them, you were not living a life. You were only surviving through it.

Not that you would complain though. Nor were you in the position to be able to complain about it.

Your blurred vision and the dull pain in your chest reminded you that you hadn’t eaten anything since lunch, which was almost 10 hours ago. Slowly making your way to the kitchen, you decided to turn a blind eye to the kitchen sink and approached the fridge, hoping that they’d be kind enough to leave you some leftovers.

What greeted you in the fridge confounded you as you looked at a carefully prepared dish wrapped in aluminum foil with a sticky pink note on top of it.

‘want to call ya 4 dinner earlier but ya seem to enjoy the training a lot. plz eat this when ya done with the training~’ was written on the piece of paper together with a little ugly and distorted heart shape, which made you chuckle. It was not difficult to guess who left this for you. You shook your head in amusement while putting the dish into the microwave oven.

Sitting down at the empty table in the dimly lit dining room, you slowly enjoyed the meal that Soap had saved for you. Then again, amid the quiet atmosphere that was free of any stimulations, your mind began to do the thing that it excelled in, drifting away. Your unusually calm thoughts appeared like a grainy film rolling before your eyes, replaying every delightful moment that you had shared with the Scottish and other team members, like when you, Soap, Gaz, and Roach pulled a whole prank on Price during your team’s vacation while Ghost sat behind and watched with amusement in his eyes. Or when you and Roach hid one of Price’s hats unknowing that it was a piece of memorabilia of his old teammate, and as result, making that poor old dad all stressed out finding it everywhere. Or when Price decided to catch you two and make you face the consequences of your actions that time and you were so scared that you never run that fast out of battle before. Or when you had no choice but to hide behind Ghost as he was watching his favorite boring documentaries, and he looked down at you obviously contemplating whether he should help you or not as you tried to convince him with your big puppy eyes. Or when you disobeyed Price’s orders to turn back and save Soap when he fell into the enemy’s trap and was pushed into the corner.

You laughed to yourself at this point, remembering vividly what a mess that time was. You two almost blindly fired your guns at the swarm of enemies circling you. As you barely escaped, Soap cursed very loudly in Scottish while his hand threw bombs toward your enemies. It was a mission that you would never forget, a piece of memory that you’d take to the grave, not only because of how badly injured you were and the prolonged period of time you had to spend in the hospital, but also because of how Soap looked at you. After that near-death experience, whenever your eyes and his met, his eyes evidently softened, and you enjoyed every little second of it. It made you feel like, eventually, you were special to someone, like you weren’t just anybody, but someone unique that was closely linked to a hardly forgettable remembrance. It raised your hope–something that you had thought to never regain, since at least when you died, there would still be one person who would keep the image of you inside one of their billion fragments of memory.

Of course, after the certain mission, both you and Soap were heavily reprimanded by Kate and Price, you for the obvious reason of disobeying orders, and Soap for his stupid addiction to blowing things up, which worsened you two’s already horrendous injuries because at the time of the explosion you were still too close to the spot.

“What are you smiling about?” You jumped at the sudden voice that broke the room’s silence.

Soap laughed at your reaction, “Why are you so tense?” He sat down, being so near to you that your thighs touched each other. He threw his big muscular arm over your shoulder, grinning broadly, “Temme, what is so fun that you smile like that?”

“It’s nothing.” You blushed at how close you two were, silently praying that the light of the room was too feeble for him to notice.

He pinched your face, causing you to grimace, “I don’t believe ya. It’s so rare to see ya smile so cutely like this. Must have some special reason.”

Definitely you could not tell him that you were thinking of the team, and especially him, so you decided to keep silent and enjoy your meal. Maintaining eye contact was like torture to you, so your eyes were just glued to the plate until you finished. Therefore, you also missed his eyes, along with how he looked at you.

From Soap’s point of view, all that he could see at that moment was how lovely his boy was. The way his big puppy eyes widened when he suddenly talked. The way his body which was athletic but so slender when compared to Soap’s trembled slightly as he jumped. How the faint blush quickly deepened and then spread from his handsome adorable face to his delicate neck. The nice and warm feeling that Soap’s fingers felt when he pinched the boy’s cheek. And also how his long eyelashes shadowed his eyes as he looked down at his plate of food. It was so lovely that Soap volunteered to be trapped in this moment forever.

As you’d done eating and washing the dish, you came back into the dining room and saw Soap still sitting there.

The Scot chuckled at your expression, “What is that face, Y/n? Are you that annoyed because I’m still here?”

You unknowingly pouted, which only made you look even cuter in his eyes, “No.”

“Ghost is watching his stupid boring documentaries again. Wanna join?”

“You came here from the TV room?”

“Yeah. Now do you come or not?”

You scoffed, “Are you inviting me nicely or just gonna coerce me into it anyway?”

Soap didn’t reply, just amusingly shrugged his shoulders.

“Fine, I’ll come.”

“That’s my boy!” The older man approached you, then threw his arm over your shoulder again. Judging from how you barely kept up with his pace in this awkward position, he definitely coerced you into this by all means.

When you two arrived, the light in the TV room was turned off, and the only source of light left was the TV screen. Ghost was sitting on the sofa alone, eyes glued to the screen that was playing some kind of dinosaur fossils, while Price was sleeping in his favorite spot–the single couch. You swiftly looked around to see if Gaz and Roach were here or not, only to find the two idiots hugging each other on the carpet, drooling and snoring loudly.

Ghost turned his head to look at you and Soap as you were literally pushed into the room by the Scot. His out-of-nowhere eagerness strangely made you laugh.

“Daddy chill.” You jokingly said and sat down beside Ghost, completely overlooking how Soap’s flippant expressions froze for brief seconds.

“Finished your dinner?” Ghost suddenly spoke up.

You were taken aback simply because the masked man hardly ever cared what others were doing with their life outside of missions, particularly for some trivial things like taking care of your daily needs.

“Y-yes, Sir!”

Soap burst into laughter, so hard that he fell to your side, hugging his belly.

“LMAO! What was that, Y/n??? You’re scared of Ghost that much???”

“What? What???” You frowned in confusion. You were even more confused when you heard a soft chuckle from the masked man that was sitting on your left.

“Why are you two laughing? There’s nothing funny!”

“It is funny! Do you see how you shudder like a puppy under Ghost’s glare? I wish I had recorded it!”

“Gosh! I hate you Soap!” You growled under your breath as you launched your whole body into him while Soap was still barely able to put himself together from his stupid sense of humor.

You two soon began to fight each other, giggling like two mischievous kids, completely forgetting that there was Ghost right next to you, who probably got accidental punches and kicks continuously by the unaware manchildren. However, the masked man was not mad at you two for disturbing him from enjoying his favorite show at all; instead, he often stole glances at you two with pure delight in his eyes. Seeing you finally being able to relax among the team was a sight that he wanted to witness all his life. It would take more time for you to pull down the walls you had built around yourself and let them come inside, but for now, this was already enough.

After a while, the giggling and fighting noises abated. You were sleeping soundly, face on Soap’s broad chest and arms around his waist. Soap’s eyes softened as he looked at how peaceful you were at the moment, before looking up to meet Ghost’s. The two men stayed in their position, didn’t move an inch, until Soap fell his eyelids become heavier and fell asleep as well, and Ghost turned off the TV, thereby extinguishing the only source of light in the room. He rested his head on your lower back, slowly drifting off.

To be continued...

[queenshelby]

Our Little Secret (Part 29)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Infidelity, Age-Gap, Birth, Complications, Infertility

Note: This is just another little gap-filler.

The following morning, there was an unusual silence inside the bedroom when you woke up.  

Cillian was gone, leaving behind a note on the bedside table saying that he was going to drop by the pharmacy and pick up some supplies for you and Mara. He had taken Mara with him, which gave you some time to shower and freshen up, to prepare for the day ahead.

You took your time, enjoying the solitude and the rare opportunity to pamper yourself, knowing that the days ahead would likely be filled with sleepless nights and constant care for Mara again especially when Cillian was headed off to America for work. This was a welcome respite.

Afterward, you put on your favorite pair of yoga pants and a soft tank top, stepping out onto the porch to breathe in the fresh morning air. The sun cast rays of brilliant light upon the small garden at the back of your house, illuminating the beauty of nature around you. You took a seat on an outdoor bench, savoring the tranquility and the serenity of the moment just before Cillian returned with your babygirl.

"Thank you for taking her," you told him sincerely. "I appreciate the rest."

His face softened, his blue eyes glistening with concern as he held Mara close to his chest. He looked so tender, caring and protective that a lump formed in your throat.

"Don't mention it," he replied gruffly, his gaze flickering between you and his babygirl before bringing up his two week trip, worrying that you might not manage alone.

"I'll be alright," you assured him confidently, patting his hand reassuringly as you rose from the bench, feeling revitalized by the fresh air and the quiet moments of peace. "My stomach feels much better now. I can move around again and, really, I do need to learn how to be on my own with Mara. It's good practice," you explained, grasping his hands reassuringly. "I'll be fine, trust me; it's just a couple of weeks, right?" you smiled, determined to make the best of your circumstances.

Cillian hesitated before agreeing, his blue eyes glistening with concern as he held Mara close to his chest. His fingers brushed against your hand, sending a jolt of electricity through your body. You both looked at each other, a silent understanding passing between you. 

"Although maybe it is you who cannot cope on your own," you teased, still sensing his apprehension. 

Cillian glanced at you, his brows furrowing slightly. "You might be right," he agreed, a mischievous sparkle dancing in his eyes.

He handed Mara over to you delicately, his touch featherlight, as if afraid to disrupt the peaceful balance you had achieved in your lives. You could sense the undercurrent of desire simmering beneath his surface, a flame burning brighter with each passing day. Yet, the timing was wrong, for now.

"I will miss you," he then said before correcting himself. "I mean, I will miss Mara and, I don't know," he quickly added nervously, averting his gaze from you quickly before meeting your gaze once more. "I guess, I will miss you too," he confessed quietly, his voice barely rising above a whisper.

You looked at him, a soft smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. "I will miss you too, Cillian," you chuckled before spending another hour with him and then sending him on the way. He still had his clothes to pack and a flight to catch later that afternoon.

Over the next two weeks, you slowly found your feet, living with Mara on your own. Of course, you had some harrowing nights and many challenging moments, but you knew that it was all part of the learning curve of parenthood.

Still, you missed Cillian. Not only did you crave his presence physically, but you also yearned for his companionship and shared laughter. He was the source of comfort and stability in your life, a steadfast pillar in the stormy seas of life.

You began to wonder what he was doing over there in Los Angeles, thousands of miles away from you, but your thoughts were interrupted by the soft whimpers coming from Mara's crib.

She wanted your attention, and you gladly obliged, shuffling across the room to pick her up and bring her close to your chest. You rocked her gently, swaying in time with her delicate heartbeat, humming a soft melody to soothe her.

"It's okay, baby girl," you crooned, your voice low and comforting. "I know you miss your daddy, but he will be back in a few days," you murmured, kissing her forehead gently as she nestled her head against your neck, snuggling closer to you.

Mara was an absolute delight, a bundle of joy and laughter that lifted your spirits every day.

Her giggles and infectious smiles brought happiness into your life. You spent countless hours reading books, playing games, and engaging in playful conversations with her. You adored her, nurturing and caring for her and, over time, you became increasingly attached to her. 

Motherhood suited you was what Cillian's sister said when she came to check up on you and, whilst you appreciated her support, you felt a little strange about the fact that his family became more involved in your life than your own. 

Just last week for example you received a call from Cillian's mother, inviting you and Mara to come along for her 70th birthday in Cork. 

It was a special occasion that she simply couldn't bear to celebrate without her granddaughter. And, of course, you accepted the invitation without hesitation even despite the fact that your mother and Cillian's brother Frank were attending the party as well.

According to Cillian's mother, you would all be staying at her house and when she told you that she had already bought a basinet and other necessities for Mara, you felt quite touched and simply couldn't say no.

With that, the days leading up to Cillian's mother's birthday went quickly with a newborn in the house and Cillian returned earlier than expected due to the SAG strike. 

Unsurprisingly though, he did not seem to mind that his trip was being cut short. After all, he hated giving interviews and engaging in social events for the sake of promoting his movies. It was something that he considered to be absurd and he much rather wanted to spend time with his babygirl.

As such, he came straight to your house after having landed in Dublin following his eight-hour flight from LAX before spending the next few days with you, Mara and Max.

Max was coming to Cork with you too, visiting his grandmother for her 70th birthday celebration. Although you weren't particularly excited about the prospect of spending a weekend with your mother and Frank, who would undoubtedly throw passive-aggressive remarks your way every chance he got, you were willing to endure his company for the sake of celebrating this milestone.

It was important to Cillian's mother to see her whole family together again, and you understood that you should set aside your personal feelings and focus on creating happy memories for Mara.

To be continued...

Tags:

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[fliflaflux]

Sharess Caress with Astarion - a little analysis

CW: The following text deals with coping with the trauma of sexual and physical violence.

» When you met his eye for a moment, there's a look about him that reveals he's a milion realm away «

The scene with the Drow twins is often discussed - But what was astarion thinking in agreeing to the whole thing in the first place? I try to analyze a little what might be going on in the head of our favorite vampire. Might is important here, because of course I cannot know exactly.

First of all, what will I be referring to when I write about Astarion's trauma?

» "In the immediate aftermath of trauma, the victim's personality organization is disintegrated, and experiences of self and world are fragmented and chaotic. With the passage of time, the survivor's symptoms consolidate into recognizable patterns, such as intrusive memories, emotional numbness, and exaggerated startle responses." « (From: Herman, J. L. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.)

Or in short: it's a mess.

Trial-and-Error

Treating trauma is a complicated matter and in many cases requires the help of a therapist. However, I have not yet heard of any therapists in Faerûn - so Astarion is on his own (Or he and Tav.) So I theorize that he's trying the trial-and-error method to find his own boundaries after Cazador is defeated.

Trial-and-error methods in trauma therapy refer to the process by which therapists and patients try and adapt different treatment approaches and techniques to identify those that are most effective in addressing trauma sequelae and promoting healing. In this approach, therapy is viewed as an iterative process in which both therapists and patients experiment together to find the best treatment approaches that best meet the patient's individual needs, resources and responses.

It is important to note that trial-and-error methods in trauma therapy are typically not used in isolation but as part of a more wide-ranging therapeutic approach. Here's from the book "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk: » "The healing process often involves trial and error as therapists and clients explore different techniques and approaches to determine what works best for the individual." «

But the thing is that Astarion doesn't have a therapist. His approach of agreeing so quickly may be one to find his hard boundaries in order to be able to work with them. However, in this case he had no one to support him. No one to catch him when he started to disassociate (when he is miles away). Not to mention that jumping into bed with two strangers and his love might have been a bit too much of a jump from 0 to 100.

He certainly wants to have a 'normal' relationship with Tav, which includes sleeping together. Just because he is traumatized in this way doesn't mean that he doesn't want any more physical closeness. On the contrary: I even think that he really wants this unforced closeness out of his own desire. But he's not completely ready for it yet. But it's in character for him over the course of the game that he doesn't think long about the offer with the Drow twins, but agrees straight away. And completely overreaches himself.

Good or bad decision?

So is it a bad decision to suggest Astarion visit the brothel at all? No. I have and will always make it dependent on my player character and how it fits into the roleplay. Because Astarion agrees of his own free will. Part of his character arc is that he learns to make his own decisions and have his own experiences. This also means that he has the right to make wrong decisions. These can also be learned from in the process of healing. Every experience is important.

Cheers! -Flux

[dandymaximilian]

🪞 Mirror Man Analysis 🪞

Mirror Man is a perfect example of showing instead of telling, imo. His words themselves are often larger than life or egotistical, but his actions behind them showcase an underlining vulnerability, desperation, and self loathing.

And, in my opinion? Mirror Man is just as much as a victim as Claire.

When we first see Mirror Man's full silhouette, he is in a very confident and reassured position. He looks like he is in control, getting Claire's attention with just a few words. "You're not going to walk by without saying hello?"

Mirror Man goes on to mention that "they're going to be kicking themselves." He desperately wants attention from others, and we can see this anxious energy in the way he nervously kicks his foot. And especially when he demands in a demonic sort of voice: "LOOK AT ME."

In the next sequence of events, we start to see Mirror Man's already shaky facade crumble. He sees himself as Claire through his reflection, super imposed on her body and hiding her face. As we know from the end of the short film, she is in a cycle of abuse.

His mirror selves smile, trying to pass off like everything is fine and dandy. He compliments himself, then immediately insults Claire on the only part of her he sees. It appears like this is mockery, but the next shots says otherwise.

When Mirror Man fidgets with his hand, then clenches it into a fist, his vulnerability is first revealed. He immediately back pedals on his insult, saying that there "isn't anything wrong with (her ankles)" Essentially, he is projecting his insecurities onto Claire.

Mirrors Man then says, "It's just... nevermind, my brain." He knows what he's saying isn't healthy, or right, yet he seems to find himself unable to help himself. He copes with this uncertainty by "fixing" his reflection, and the demonic voice reappears. His inner demon.

Mirror Man appears to spend a lot of time in the bathroom, as it is indicated at the beginning sequence with his array of beauty products. Yet, he says that "(he) often find(s) (himself) at (his) wits end in (there)." Like he doesn’t think he has any control over the matter.

Mirror Man rambles about his "journey" and how he is "a tiny, growing... thing." Junveille music boxesque music plays, hinting at his emotional immaturity. He seems to be somewhat self aware of his actions, going so far as to admit his faults in a roundabout way.

But Mirror Man never truly owns up to his mistakes, justifying them to Claire, his audience of his reflections, and ultimately, to himself.

Mirror Man proceeds to insult himself again, adjusting his mirror to cope with the sudden self loathing. He further infantilizes and justifies his actions to himself, saying "(Claire) can hold (him) in the palm of (her) hand." Ultimately, trying to claim that she has some power over the situation.

His inner demon sparks up once more when Claire attempts to leave, and he tells her that she "can spare a little more time." And she "acts like he's a complete stranger." As Claire's mother hints at later on, Claire rarely leaves the attic anymore, refusing to "be a person." Therefore, he is desperate for her attention.

He goes on to say how "everyone is mad at him," and that he is "growing." A lot of people may interpret Mirror Man as Claire's father, but to me, I think he's still quite young. Not in the sense of being a child, but being a man in his 20's trying to figure the world. A brother.

Mirror Man doesn't understand why people are "negative", and "see him the way they do", which seems like the most honest thing he says in this sequence. He truly does not undertsand why he was "turned down" by others. And if he cannot fix his personality, then he'll fix the next best thing.

His physical appearance.

The following song is when his true character is revealed. Try to sing his song outloud, and you'll notice that you'll need to take in a lot of shallow breaths. Your voice will pitch and crack. I think this singing method is meant to mimic a panic attack, brought about Mirror Man's own pain and feeling of inadequacy.

Mirror Man rambles about what he needs to accomplish to be revered, or even liked by others, but his words are empty. His own coping mechanism, or delusions, have convinced him that all he needs to be do to receive positive attention is to be larger than life, akin to God. If no one loves him the way that he is, then he will be something better.

Mirror Man is determined to create a rift in the world, even if he needs to fake a smile and look beautiful. If his words are rambling and his brain doesn't work how he wants, he will find control elsewhere. He picks at himself until he is bloody, until he is caught up in the whirlwind of self obsession disguised as self care.

In the end, the lyrics make Mirror Man appear like he has a superiority complex or narcissism. If he has narcissistic personality disorder, then it must be noted that people with this often have low opinions of themselves in reality.

In the end, I think everything stems from Mirror Man also being a victim of abuse. Interestingly, Claire is terrified of her grandfather and mother, while she is only unsettled when Mirror Man puts himself down and begs for her attention.

What would that mean for Mirror Man?

In my interpretation of the mother's flashback, a younger Mirror Man realized the prison-like conditions that he and Claire were in and tried to ask for help by calling for 911. His mother got angry, hitting him as punishment, all while a crying baby Claire watched.

Mirror Man mentally crumbled from the pain of her abuse, traumatized by the event. His mind dissociated from it all. His literal viewpoint of himself has been permanently altered in this moment.

The answer from 911 must've went nowhere, because Claire and him are still there. Claire takes Mirror Man's place, hence why her face blurs onto his younger face in the below shot. The many clocks indicate the passage of time as she slowly becomes the new household punching bag.

The mother repeated the cycle of her own mother's abuse, but she did nothing to stop it from happening. She lives with guilt, taking drugs with her alcohol to cope, and projecting her pain onto her daughter. Smothering Claire, while also expecting her to be her caretaker.

It is too late for Mirror Man, or so he secretly fears. His psyche has mentally shattered like his mirror, and his false ego, his reflections, and Claire are all he has left. Unfortunately, Claire is following the same path of using an outside source to find attention and love where there is none.

[sophieinwonderland]

Questions for Sophie and Ghost. The first one for him: Do you ever feel guilty for identifying with the body and being able to go by your name when your systemmates cannot? In the real world, people get to experience you as yourself but your systemmates can't have that in most circumstances. Now for Sophie: Do these circumstances upset you? How do you cope? Our body's frontrunner always feels bad about this fact. Systemmates have to mask as HER irl for safety reasons because she is in meatspace most of the time and as such people are used to her personality/name/mannerisms/etc. She---and all of us---wish there was a world where we didn't have to hide themselves.

Ghost: I've felt guilty for Soph not getting much time sometimes. But I try not to feel guilt for things that are out of my hands. I feel bad that she doesn't have a body of her own to be part of the world, but not guilt.

Sophie: It is what it is.

To be honest, we don't really have many IRL social ties outside of the family. And that's something we're totally fine with. Maybe our brain is wired weird, but we don't have much desire to make physical friends. Aside from that, I feel my social needs are met on the internet.

There have been times when I wished I could interact with the family a bit. But then, it's my own fears holding me back. The family knows I'm here. And they seem accepting enough. I'm just not comfortable with it. My host has severe social anxiety when dealing with other people, and it feels a bit like I got something like that with his family.

So the only people outside of the system I want to interact with as myself, I could... if I were stronger. But I'm not.

If I'm honest, I sometimes feel like a hypocrite. Because for all the time I spend trying to spread awareness of plurality so that we can eventually get to that world where plurals won't have to hide anymore... I don't think I would be brave enough to be fronting and be myself even then.

But with that said, I think I'm comfortable with how things are for the most part.

...

As for you all, I just want to add that singlets are probably not as observant as you think they are. Even if you have to mask and use her name, unless they know you're plural, you can probably get away with a lot before they notice anything off. And if they do say anything about it, it's easy to brush it off, and they'll probably accept whatever explanation you give. "I'm just not feeling like myself" is a fun one. 😜

[justintaco]

I've been up for almost 24 hours so

superheavy Lonetrail Muelsyse spoilers

Besides the like, uncountable amount of stuff that blew me away in Lonetrail,

linking together Mansfield Break and Dorothy's Vision with Vigilo and Walk in the Dust

creating thematic parallels with Near Light at the end,

what really blew me away was Muelsyse.

Anyone who's followed this blog for a long time knows I'm not big on shipping and I'm semi-public with my opinion that most times shipping brain completely poisons someone's ability to actually engage with a narrative. But honest to god, even to me, they seemed to be almost writing a romance with Doctor and Mumu.

Blink twice if you don't think I'm crazy.

like any gacha you have a lot of flirty lines between the player character and a million of the girls (and guys), but like, this seemed unusually genuine and romantic?

(x)

Like besides them sharing a dance and all their cute little scenes, they seemed to be creating a genuine parallel in their backstories and who they are as people here

Mumu discovers she isn't actually the last of her race but realizes that she has so little in common with them she cannot form any meaningful connection or even find a shared language with them. Her integration into human society is like, almost all just an act of survival by her own admission, she doesn't feel any belonging there either. In fact, most of the time her real body is hiding in her vivarium because the physical world itself is becoming so poisoned by originium that it's dangerous to leave using anything but a clone. Even in her flashback with Saria and Kristen, she seems to be the third wheel.

She is by every possible metric, completely alone. And it seems like her chronic teehee backstabbing is a coping mechanism to feeling completely alienated from even her closest friends and what becomes her second family with the Rhine Lab directors. Even that dysfunctional and over idealized family is gone now too. She even says the following after she betrays Doctor for one last ditch effort to throw in her lot with Kristen and maybe find somewhere out in the stars she can belong:

Compare that with the Doctor, who in this event witnesses what seems to be the death of the last member of their race. In fact, the dialogue implies that Doctor feels an incredible amount of anguish even just pulling the plug on Trevor since it's not so quick a death. Directly after this event, after escaping the big silo bunker thing, Doctor's first thought is to go seek out Mumu rather than regroup with everyone from RI (including Saria who just reentered the atmosphere Halo 3 style). It feels like a response to an epiphany.

Earlier, Doctor had managed to actually get her to tell the truth about herself during their dance. How isolated she feels without any past or family, just like Doctor. So they go directly to her, fresh off of losing the last connection to their past life besides Kal'tsit (who is implied to not only be unwilling but in some way unable to share more info with Doctor).

You then get what is this, extremely deeply intimate conversation between Doctor and Muelsyse, commiserating over their shared loneliness.

She tries to play things off with her usual shtick but pretty quickly she admits that saving those random Control goons on the ship was her failed attempt at suicide because Saria had well and truly kicked her out of the triumvirate to confront Kristen alone.

After that she begins connecting with Doctor on a deeper level than any character I can really recall. As much as I love the ex wife Kal'tsit stuff, they really don't seem to have a romantic attachment. A very very close and intimately trusting one, maybe a past romance, but never romantic with Doctor as they exist in the present since waking up. Doctor views other characters like Amiya, Ifrit, and Rosmontis as children to be protected. But this here is these two really baring their souls and it's just crazy to see in a gacha game where the format discourages stuff like this.

Just, man I love this whole conversation. They've both just learned recently that they can't shed their loneliness with what's left of their races. Muelsyse is totally at the end of her rope, but Doctor has just learned that the only thing they can do is fully commit to the people they know in the present. So despite Mumu's one final attempt to put a barrier up between her and another person, a literal physical barrier of water

Doctor walks right into the barrier and literally reaches out to her to help save her with what they just learned that same day

Muelsyse refers to the parts not in blue here (blue usually being the only confirmed dialogue Doctor says out loud in any given cutscene) when she talks to Nasti later. That means the Doctor said all of this out loud.

Again, am I crazy or does this feel like the most romantic Doctor has ever been with another character?

A lot of himejoshis on Twitter have been mad about the event and what it means for Mumu x Ho'ohleyak, Mumu x Saria, or Muelsyse x her OT3 with Saria and Kristen, and honestly

they might have a point

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

If You Wake Up After a Nightmare, Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation

[image ID: If You Wake Up After a Nightmare

If you wake up at night after a disturbing dream or nightmare, or feel anxious and panicky, it is important to be able to calm down and comfort yourself and other parts that are anxious. Work with yourself and your therapist to develop various ways to help yourself.

• The first step is always to get your bearings in the present. Use all the anchors to the present you have put in your bedroom. Talk to yourself quietly and tell yourself out loud where you are.

• Turn on the light and get out of bed. Perhaps have something to drink and find something to distract you.

• Splash cool or cold water on your face, hands, and the back of your neck. This will help you get more present and awake.

• Consciously slow your breathing. Try some breathing exercises.

• Do some gentle stretching exercises to help your body reorient to the present.

• If you have a pet, spend a little time petting or cuddling with him or her.

• If you have physical symptoms, such as a bad taste in your mouth, or pain or discomfort, be mindful in talking to yourself inwardly as you do things to soothe yourself (for instance, brush your teeth, have a noncaffeinated drink, suck on a mint or hard candy, massage painful muscles): "I am in the present now. Whatever happened to me is over. I am safe. My mouth, my legs, my body, etc., are in the present. I am doing all I can to help all parts of myself." Try to be aware of any internal sense of what might help.

• Some people find that it helps if they write down a distressing dream or image and then put it away, tear it up, or bring it to therapy. The idea is not to go further into the experience, but to contain it by putting it on paper and leaving it until a more appropriate time.

• You might try "changing" your nightmare. Add a supportive or strong person to the dream, invent a way out of the situation, or give yourself special powers to overcome any sense of powerlessness or fear in the dream. Your therapist may be able to help you with this kind of technique.

• Some people wake up from a nightmare and find they are unable to move. Although this is extremely uncomfortable and even frightening, it will not last for very long. It is simply the state of being paralyzed by fear. If this happens to you, make sure you have some anchors to the present visible from every angle from the bed: on your left, your right, even on the ceiling. Even though you cannot yet move, you can begin to see the anchor and gradually perceive you are in the present. This perception will help your body shift out of that paralysis mode. Try starting with a tiny movement, for instance, blinking your eyes, and just barely twitching your toe or little finger. When you can do this, then move the opposite toe or finger. Then make a slight movement with your hand or foot, then your arms or legs. Continue slowly and patiently until your entire body has become more able to move.

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[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

tw ABA and abuse and examples of abuse through ABA (sort of detail describe)

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i forget people don't know same thing i do. so if you only know ABA as "suppress stimming force mask force eye contact reward-punishment" (which, historically has been like that and even currently many place like that) (abbreviate below as "abusive ABA" "abusive methods/practices" "bad"), then of course you disagree when i say "ABA can be abusive but some survivors say it help reduce self harm stim and help learn ADLs" because would think i support they teach through abuse. which i very much don't.

(it relevant when i say "i have theory of mind trouble so i forget people don't know same thing i know" because i know people who try reform ABA to be trauma informed (whether it can truly be reformed because of its fundamental history, another topic), who call out abusive pratices. but i forget there are people who don't know these people exist. so whatever i say of course don't make sense to them.)

what i mean?

let look at self-injurious stimming during meltdowns. (stimming neutral but self injurious harm self)

one ABA therapist purposely trigger meltdown to "shape behavior." ❌bad. abusive. why you want purpose cause distress to manipulate behavior?

one ABA therapist think all stim bad, even ones who don't harm self. for example hand flap and pace when really upset need regulate and not disturbing anyone. instead want replace by "quiet hands" and sit still at desk.❌bad. abusive. they obviously not causing harm, they self-regulating. it working for them. this therapist don't actually care about distress, only care about mask emotion and behave "appropriately in normal way."

one ABA therapist respond with ignore because believe "if i acknowledge then i give them attention and will make them want do behavior more will act as reinforcement." ❌bad. abusive. ignore people geuinely distress will not make issue go away. will only maybe teach them "it not okay to feel emotion" so hide so mask. and "if i upset then no one will help no one care."

one ABA therapist think. okay to be upset but hurt self can be dangerous (ok we on right track...). so i am going to prevent them from self injury. but give nothing in replacement. just make them stop. ❌still no! mind may be on right path but still no!! even though self injury harm self, it act as coping skill and help regulate. they do it for reason. cannot just take away coping tool (even if very harm self) and not replace with something less harmful!!! you just leave empty void. not helping!! may cause escalate.

one ABA therapist also think it okay to be upset. it okay to show upset. but hurt self dangerous. then they think more. why is doing this behavior? why self-injurious? why cause? can we remove cause altogether? have we ignored previous protest & try to get out? can we teach communicate so can tell others upset before it get to meldtwon? can we teach them to take break before it get bad? then they think. what is less harmful behavior we can slowly teach to replace, a better coping skill? and they listen to person's body language and behavior to make sure not force. ✅ many ways to go wrong, but if careful and self reflect frequently. can be helpful. need to center the person at all time. need remember behavior often don't happen alone. get rid of behavior don't get rid of problems.

let look at what is typically called "avoid task."

one ABA therapist think. they're doing it because previously they tantrum and have gotten out of task, so they do it again (and think it their fault instead of parent or therapist fault who teach that). they do it to make my life hard. they do it because they brat. so they punish. they take away things they like and maybe even need (like comfort object, food, snack, AAC, etc). maybe even tie them down, restraint in chair, cannot physically leave. ❌no! very abusive!!

one ABA therapist think. oh need reward them for stay on task. give sticker chart.❌still no! still abusive! even though "reward" with "preferred item," still only look at behavior and not why they may not want do task. still teach must behave good to earn happy and love and affection and have needs met. this is still compliance. and then one day person had enough and meltdown, suddenly everyone will say "where did that come from!! came from nowhere!! must be problem child" but ignore every previous way to communicate no.

one ABA therapist think. is this task appropriate? is it because too hard can't understand? is it because more fundamental need not met like hungry? is it because have not moved enough, jump run etc? maybe they just have bad day? if it task that truly don't serve purpose, then no need to even tell them do it in first place. but if task that can't be avoided (because in life can't avoid everything), then are there other ways to respect them want take break while make sure task get done? are there alternative activities that we can give them while they take break until they ready to come back? (a good video about alternative) ✅this is respecting autonomy and respect feeling and emotion of person. this is about help not comply. (another video)

people who practice the good example and bad example all call it ABA. and while the good example we start to see more and more happen, unfortunately so many places still practice bad example (especially if like rural and low income and behind on research update). or they claim to be good but still have not fully unlearned bad example, or they claim to be good but still do bad because they use "neurodiversity affirming" as buzzword. it all very nuanced. but all exist.

found this person explain helpful. of course have not watched every single video of hers so not sure if agree with all but say many good things