#my brain is too fucking loud
Text
god fucking damn it
#i hate feelings#so fucking much#anger especially#what am i angry at?#no fucking idea#go ask the guy who runs the body#i certainly dont deserve to know#but you know what i do deserve#to feel it#i dig myself into holes and then expect to get out no trouble#its always worked#my brain is too fucking loud#pipe down bitch#tw vent#i wish i could explain this#sounds narcissistic but#i would be such a fucking good person if nothing happened#but now i have to deal with shit that was never my fault#kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys#and one of the most annoying parts#is that i could have stopped half of it#but instead#i decided to listen and say nothing#i should've been suspicious when i was told every fucking day#'dont tell anyone/they'll take you away from us/they don't know anything/they're trying to trick you into taking you away'#if you never did anything wrong why do you want to hide it?#but of course hate has to be met with contradictory feelings#i cant physically hate anyone without also feeling pity/love/whatever the fuck you call it#why does it feel like im pretending to be a good person#honestly im growing up into the people i hate the most
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
this scott 3l rewatch it so so strange. i was right with my original notes, their relationship does not read nearly as scary from the scott pov and im really wondering why this is. My first theory was that it was an editing style thing or a background music thing or maybe the specific scenes that are missing but now that I’m really thinking about it I Dont Know
#bree barks so fucking loud#Ignore me. Insanity#but yeah beyond the first episode or so this rewatch has been a lot more chill in terms of My Emotions#scott is typically off doing his own thing. I only get sad when I think about dialogue thats not even included in his pov#see: ‘that experience is too far away for me to get’ specifically#or the implications of what he’s saying sometimes… what im trying to say is i get why the fh maintag is so pissed abt whatever im doing#you have to think about it a bit to Get It i think. Bc if you just turn your brain off while watching scott 3l its chill#meanwhile in the jimmy pov you get the episode 1 martyn intervention bullshit making you think about it from the start. Does this make sens#deranged.fh.posting
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
Your dark prince is here to sweep you off your feet, will you dance with him?
Careful, he might never let you go.
#gw2#guild wars 2#guild wars#oc: kynwyl (he/him)#gw2 fan submission#my ocs#screenshots#theres an entire AU behind this armor but we're gonna talk abt that later#anyway ill probably bring this idiot and his brother Maelgwyn in their mad king fits#to the vsartparty tomorrow#IF my brain static isnt Too Fucking Loud
78 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hhg the new levi card
I just. Cannot be trusted with anything that has both his knees in frame apparently i just want to be between them???
It's like. So cute his pjs are adorable and I'm just over here thinking nondescript fiLth please--
#obey me smut#obey me leviathan#thinking out loud#Levi#there's also a shot from the anime that just sends this part of my brain into overdrive too#he wouldn't even know what to fucking Do he'd be falling apart blushing himself to death#but i am brainrotting anyways
48 notes
·
View notes
Text
everyone in my school loves to scream as louyd as they can on purpose to hurt me just because they can
#I'm lying if it isn't clear#but god fuck does it feel like this sometimes#my heart is beating so fast and I feel so sick some girl decided to just start screaming as loud as possible for some reason#it was. excited screams but it was so loud it was so so loud and I immediately flinched and grabbed my head and started breathing hard#its so Painful its like someone is scratching me or scaring me withreally frightening stuff#I fucking hate being autistic sometimes man#OKAY TO REBLOG BY THE WAY. if you have felt like this#listen to my gibberish boy#they all turned to look at me too I saw out of the corner of my eye#its so upsetting here they changed the rules so that the only quiet classroom is now the designated eating spot#for 25+ people#its a small classroom#its really really bad and the school isn't fixing it or doing anything about it and every day is hell because#lunch and break are the only times I can recover from class#and now I Don't Have That#I am on the edge of breaking the fuck down I hate this#my brain is WEVIL#<- meant to say evil but wevil is funnier. my brain is WEEVIL you guys. bug
42 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it#my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with#and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l#lovely?#bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am#glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone#since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life#he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even#harder now. in others he is easier.#he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken#about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better#my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he#hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his#personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the#nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off#he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he#still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay#long when you call in to see her?#whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael.#not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart#i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
wanting to brain myself vs. knowing im being dumb
#it's too loud outside but there's literally nowhere else i can go lol im already in my room#what am i meant to do hide in the bath???#im actually meant to be out there with everyone but unfortunately - as we all know by now - my brain doesn't fucking work right#so i'm too depressed to do the One Thing i was looking forward today and now im just sitting here forced to listen to it#which isnt anyones fault but it IS making me want to kill myself lol#im also like. mad bc if they wake up my nephew im the one who has to go in there and put him back to bed#i need someone to come beat the shit out of me might rewire my brain#captain speaks
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
ohh the joy of videos and streams... i like listening to people talk about things they like/think about it’s very contagious... 🥺
#lizzy speaks#THIS IS BROUGHT TO U BY THE MINATO BRAINCELLS SHAKING BACK AND FORTH..#so so many of my interests feel like they're in some kind of hibernation lately in terms of the emotions they evoke#my brains been mostly gravitating towards formulating strategies and trying new things in splatoon right now... LOL.. so i havent thought-#a whole bunch about other things i like even if they do mean a lot to me..#so i really appreciate being around other people who really like the things that they like because its infectious and reminds me why-#i enjoy those characters / ships / whatever else#like oh... ryomina.. minato.. ryoji... i love them very much and i like hearing other people express their appreciation for them#also yosuke.... i like hearing my friends talk about yosuke his characters a very fun one for me even if i never took the time 2 personally#analyze him its just very nice to be around that kind of energy! im so grateful!#related but unrelated squid school made a video about the splatoon manga... which i havent thought abt in a month or two#yet somehow watching that revitalized my sleeping lil braincell that loves vintage coroika...#IDK i just feel like lately ive gotten to be around a very contagious positive energy of people who appreciate stuff and i like that!!#mayb ill stream again... something about talking about things out loud and not over text evokes a certain kind of insanity#i like to draw to express my love 4 the things i've come across but sometimes i think too much abt the quality.. LOL#so maybe ill just go FUCK IT we ball!! better to draw than to not draw at all. or ill just stream 2 outlet the 'hehe i love so many things'#there is so much love stored in my heart it hurts i lov So many Things and I love Being reminded of that god i love people loving things!!!
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#every time a character does the whole “talk softly and reassure the dangerous person” thing while also walking ominously towards them ughh#it drives me absolutely nuts. like. you're trying to talk them down from paranoia while you're threateningly walking towards them?#someone does that to me and I'm shooting them at least in the leg or stabbing with whatever makeshift spear I've manufactured#anyway. criminal minds is getting real annoying with the whole pathologizing of people.#like. guy shows signs of being very good at torturing people and they go “ah yes.. a pure sadist” or whatever the fuck#I get that it's shitty crime drama stuff but still. ugh.#I just. I fucking hate when people take the obviously wrong route when talking to mentally destabilized people.#like. people are shit at talking to suicidal people. are shit at talking down irrational fears. people are shit at talking down paranoia.#I hate how people don't fucking know how to interact with freaks I hate how people don't know how to interact with me#everyone acts on their own level without understanding what it's like in any way#and so everyone just projects their own reality onto you without performing any sort of empathy or exercising any sort of understanding#and I want to scream so fucking loud#you're all living in a cotton candy world and your words disintegrate in my humidity#and it's so fucking lonely#and my mind has been clear this past week. the autistic need for pressure satisfied by this prescription pushing on my brain#and I can feel the cogs turning. the wheels and pins and linked gear trains and drive shafts and traction band motors.#all the parts of my brain churning around and I can't get close because the heat from my motor makes my hood hot to the touch.#I burn your hand as you try and press your palm against my flanks.#only think saddle and tack make contact. strict guidelines and harsh rules to govern me.#when I am free I buck and I shift gait and I drag you under too-low branches#also. compared to Hannibal I can basically listen to criminal minds as a podcast. none of the visuals really contribute anything to the show#like. feels very shallow
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Went upstairs, fully intending to knock on their door to ask them to stop. Got as far as their landing before chickening out. But I did bring the note too, just in case, so I left it on their front door.
For what it's worth, i did end up hitting the ceiling again to try to get them to shut the fuck up. And I don't hear it now. But that also might have a little to do with my fan, which I turned on extra high today. I don't prefer to have it on more than the lowest setting (for sound padding) bc it makes my cats cold. But if they get too cold, they can go to another room. I really really need to be able to sleep tonight. I'm really feeling the sleep deprivation catching up to me.
#speculation nation#and if im hearing thumping tomorrow night even still i will check to see if the note is still there#(aka did they even see it?)#and if it's taken down and yet there is still thumping. Then i will submit a noise complaint.#i dont prefer to include authority figures like this but fuck dude if direct methods arent working what else can i do?#if if were just a little bit every now and then i wouldnt even care. i didnt really care for the first two nights.#but it's just kept Going and Going and Going#starting past 10pm. some days as late as midnight. and then running as late as 2 am#and maybe later. but thats when ive been drowning it out with music out of a desperate wish to sleep#(but i also Do Not Sleep Well With Music)#just. hours. of irregular thumping in changing rhythms. never too loud but so constant it is Worming Into My Brain.#i cant handle constant repeated noises. i really cant. nothing sets my auditory sensitivity off more.#i just want to curl up into a ball and cover my ears with my fists. but that wouldnt be very conducive to sleep now would it#the 5th day of this in a row... im going to lose my mind.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
man having grown up in an abusive household makes it so hard to tell when something is a normal disagreement a normal family would have and what is a fight that is absolutely something a normal healthy family would never ever have… like…. 😐
#it happened so fast too I can’t even process how it set off#context being my mom got really dizzy which happens because of her condition#and so we asked her to lay down#about 30 min later she’s back up again making sandwiches for my dad#we all start like calmly kinda teasingly being like cmon dad#she should be laying down why did you have her get up for that#and then my sister said something and then my dad got louder and she got louder and I was like why are we yelling#and so I had to get loud and it was just a whole mess#and my dad got really really fucking mad#and was being a total dick in my opinion#over like… nothing#and my mom sounded all scared and idk man it was a very weird interaction#and I was really shocked up about it because my brain just always goes back to when we used to get hit#but we’re adults now so I’m sure that won’t happen again but sometimes the way my dad gets pissed off#like it feels like it still could happen again one day ykno….#idk#I know so much is in the past#but it still feels like it happen again every so often and it’s very very very scary lol#anyways I can’t wait to leave <3 hahaha#but seriously like is that normal idk probably not I wish I had some sort of reference to what a healthy parent is supposed to be like#i don’t know a single person with a good relationship w their parents at least not both of them#it’s always just like one or none of them lmao#anyways#</3#abuse cw#also to make matters worse this all happened during our movie nights we’ve been having#to make my sisters boyfriend feel welcome in the family#since he moved in#like I can’t imagine moving into my partners house#and just hearing like constant screaming fighting matches randomly throughout the week like ok 😐😐😐
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
I just noticed how stressed my body becomes when I hear muffled conversations. No matter what level of noise it is, my ptsd turns it into aggression.
#and then the overthinking starts#“what's wrong”#“is someone mad????”#“oh no... what have i done??????”#it's always nothing#my brain automatically hears arguing#i fucking hate it#frozen in fear over nothing#i know i'm safe#i hate reverting back to feeling like i'm 8 years old again#i stop breathing too#i can't breathe or move a muscle without feeling like i'm about to make shit worse#don't get me started on loud footsteps/stomping#my poor heart is about to collapse#ignore me and my sudden realisation#acknowledging it still won't change anything and thats the fucked part about PTSD#i refuse to mask my problems with pills#they only last a year until it's back to the same shit
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Two rats having lunch
Two rats having lunch
The vermin
The vermin
Enthusiastically munch!
TWO RATS
ON THE GROUND
EATIN FOOD
GRILLED CHEESE AND
TOMATO SOUP
#i almost want to make a cover b/c two trucks sounds really funky but I physically can’t put my brain through that#I just don’t like sex songs and shit#unrelated sorta but I watched Rocky horror picture show around Halloween and I dissasosiated so much that I barely remember what happened#the rest of the night#the whole of that day sucked too because that was when I was left outside for three hours at a dance that I only went too because my mom#wasn’t home so she couldn’t drop me off for the sleepover after and I thought it would be fun to show up as a surprise because I didn’t#think I’d be able to before!#but they forgot about me and I was crying outside in late October and everyone forgot abt me#even the teacher that came over to check on me. she said that she’d come back in a few mins and I said that was ok but she didn’t#I never blasted Spirit Phone into my ears as loud as I did that day#anyways that should’ve been another post in of itself sorry lmao#still mad about it even though I know it’s my fault I’m upset and they weren’t really at fault#I kinda fucked the friendship because I was very emotional and I haven’t had friends in YEARS so I didn’t know how arguments work?#and the only time I had real arguments was with my dad and that usually felt like a ‘you have to survive this make yourself right so he’ll#leave’ kinda thing#yay love trauma dumping good night guys
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
completely unfair that i'm the last person in the house awake, consistently
#its not even that late but my brain has gone off the fucking rails today and i have too much energy rn#but our house is not big you can hear anything from anywhere in the house. and my bedroom is between my parents and brothers#if i walk too loud my entire family can hear me#to the point that i keep scaring the rest of my family walking around bc i learned to be quiet and where the squeaky boards are#and i cant go out at this hour bc we live in a fucking hell world and i could get attacked or some shit#meanwhile i have to sit here like 'haha i will just listen to my music im so calm. i bet i could still do a cartwheel tho. just btw'#levi.txt#im so fuckign. why. why does this only ever happen past 9pm why cant this happen at a time i could do smth abt it#not to be an ungrateful bitch bc i know im very lucky to have free housing and a family that cares abt me at all#but also living here is making me insane and i cannot wait to get my own place someday i feel like parts of my brain are melting#anyway!! not getting into it on the joke post
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#let me express to u perhaps The frustration of my life#i like to learn. it is perhaps my favorite thing. new information. more more more constantly#but. my fucking brain is the fucking worst. because im not fucking stupid if i can focus and process the words being said i can understand#many things. i like to learn about math and physics and chemistry and biology and anatomy... ect concepts#but the focus and the processing of words is where we have problems. because i cannot focus for more than like 5min#i blink and suddenly ive been spaced out for a sec and need to reorient. i cant prioritize what to do 1st and im constantly bouncing betwee#tasks so nothing ever gets done and im too intimidated to start learning things. and when im trying to learn we habe the processing words#problem. like my reading comprehension is so fucking bad. like i will read a book on paper and maybe retain 25% of the info if im not#hardcore trying. for a class where i had to do a ton of paper reading. i had to read everything out loud to myself. highlight important#info. write myself a summary based on the highlights and then read the paper again before i could even begin to feel comfortable in#discussions. it was so fucking frustrating and miserable. ppl will give me physical books and im like thanks i cant fucking read sorry#too fucking dyslexic. read and listen they say. u have to read and listen at the same time bc i cant pay attention and i cant read#so if i do both then maybe the info gets in. thats y i have to read aloud but i hate it and still get distracted#i mean. i probably just have an attention problem. its also really annoying that my short term working memory is so awful#bc in order to make things make sense i have to draw or write them out. i cant judt go off the top of my head or i get stuck saying thr sam#thing over and over and over. its like my ability to think is extremely shallow. but thrn i read papers and recognize concepts from classes#i took years ago and im like. fucking y cant i know what i know? my head feels so empty but info is in there somewhere#its just so fucking frustrating that i love understanding systems so much. complex annoying little systems that fit together like a puzzle#and my fucking brain refuses to accept the information im trying to get in there. so i return to a remark left on my dyslexia assignment:#intelligent when not constrained by language or time. thanks. unfortunately language is how ppl communicate#also i freak out under time pressure lol. anyway ive just been reading papers for fun this weekend and remembering y i dont: bc its agony#but also i fucking love the concepts so much and i need a good understanding of photosynthesis before August when i join a photosynthesis#lab lmao. ugh. i love learning but my brain was not buildmt#built for it. if only if only someone could podcast about the obscure things im interested in while reading directly from the source#unrelated#also its like 105 degrees plus. its too fucking hot out#thats like 40 degrees C. the sun is like a death ray
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
Funny how you can go from thinking someone is okay to not liking them. The person in question isn't mean, quite nice actually but everything they do triggers me. Literally everything.
The worst part is that I can't avoid them because that would mean leaving other people I like talking to.
#your personality is just too loud for me#like youre constantly pushing me to the side and want the attention for yourself#i know that it most likely isnt like that and my fucked up bpd brain making me imagine things#but it doesnt mean that the feeling just goes away#i feel left out and unseen#like your things are better and people aren't allowed to enjoy my thing#real or not you make me feel like people are leaving me and that your thing actually is better#i dont want to leave this discord server and i cant block you because people would notice#but you make me feel awful and lonely in so many ways#vent#bpd#borderline personality disorder
2 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
dogofjustice
DOGHOUSE
kurosiro01
よろず倉庫
miraculous-ladybug
Miraculous Ladybug
timesmemoir
Sad gays™
maidenariana
MaidenAriana