#my entire point had actually been in favour but that I could understand why someone would buy from sh**n

[david-watts]

I feel kinda bad about those comments I made on that one post because I was being a bit of a dick, and it was because I was tired and misunderstanding exactly why people get so mad about ‘tiktok punks’ (please just call them posers. that word already exists and means what you mean) but like. I do stand by the fact that I don’t care if people end up buying from ethically awful places since it’s not easy or affordable to avoid, and quite frankly I understand if someone’s a bit lazy about it. but that one person accusing me of thinking ‘slavery is punk’ genuinely made me realise those posts about reading comprehension on this site being godawful aren’t hyperbole

[cosyvelvetorchid]

for bucktommy prompts - tommy smiled as he looked down the aisle at his extremely soon to be husband.

This prompt actually came at the perfect time because I already had some semblance of an idea on my head, so thanks for pushing me to write it!

If anybody else has a prompt, send to my ask and I'll write a little something something ❤️

********

Buck nuzzled further into Tommy's warmth. He'd slip beneath his ribcage and tightly wrap around his actual heart if he could. Tommy squeezed his arms around him tighter

"We should probably get up." He said placing a kiss on the top of Bucks head.

"I don't wanna." He replied muffled into Tommy's chest.

"Me neither, kid, but we've got a big day ahead, plus an early flight tomorrow - I'd like to be at least somewhat prepared."

Buck knew he was right. The plans had all come together in a rush last minute. One minute they were discussing ideas for Bucks birthday, and the next the plans were made, tickets bought, and bags were packed. Despite Tommy insisting, much to Bucks chagrin, that he leave the clipboard at the station, everything had ran pretty smoothly. Mostly because Tommy was the one doing the organising. He may not have had a clipboard but he had a way of making sure things were done properly.

"What time is everyone arriving, again?" Buck asked.

"Food is coming at 6pm, everyone arriving 6:30pm."

"So we have some time then.." Buck climbed on top of him. Tommy always struggled to resist Bucks advances. The way he so eagerly wanted to show Tommy how much he loved him. He indulged Buck for a few moments, leaning up into his languid kisses, before gently pulling away.

"Hold that thought til tonight." He said, half lifting Buck from him.

"But-"

"Nope. Later, Romeo." He placed a kiss on his forehead and got out of bed.

***

"I still don't understand why we had to get this dressed up." Chimney complained pulling at his shirt collar.

"Because it's Bucks birthday and he wanted a nice celebration. Besides, it'll be good seeing eveyone and not have half of you in uniform or dirty turnouts."

They got out if the car and Maddie took a bag from the trunk.

"Whats that?" Chim asked.

"Oh just some party favours Buck asked me to bring."

"There's my favourite girl" Buck greeted them at the door immediately picking up Jee-yun into a hug.

"Look at you!" Maddie admired Bucks deep burgundy suit. "It's nice to see you dressed like a grown up." She teased. Buck smiled.

"It is a special occasion. Gotta make some effort."

"Since when have you thought birthdays were special?" Chim asked.

"I think that's kind of obvious Howie.." Maddie answered pointing behind Buck. Tommy walked toward them in a navy blue suit so perfectly fitted it had to have been tailored she thought. He smiled them and reached a hand to stroke Jee-yun's hair.

"Hi sweetheart."

"Hi uncle Tommy!" She excitedly responded.

"Hey guys." He kissed maddie on the cheek and gave a hug to Chim. Everyone else is in the kitchen"

"Yeah sorry were late. Someone wouldn't leave until she found her rabbit." Chim gestured to Jee-yun.

"No problem. Come on." Tommy and Buck led them to the back ontonthe kitchen where the rest of the 118 were. A buffet was laid out along the entire length of the counter, and an array of drinks sat on the island.

"Finally!" Hen called out to Chim as she walked over. "Whats with the curtains?" She asked pointing to the heavy black drapes covering the bifolding doors that lead out to the back deck. "That ocean view is the best part of this house."

"Uh.. there's a problem with the deck. Couple of the boards have weakened, and didn't want the kids to go out there when it's not safe." Tommy answered. Chimney noticed a look between him and Maddie buy didn't acknowledge it.

"Ah. Good thinking."

"Happy birthday, kid." Bobby said walking over.

"Thanks cap."

"You looking forward to your trip?" He asked.

"Trip?" Lucy asked

"Buck here is abandoning us for two weeks to go on vacation." Chimney answered.

"Ooh where you going?" Lucy.

"I'm taking him to a cabin in Vermont." Tommy replied kissing Buck on the cheek.

"Stop being so adorable" Lucy responded.

"Is everyone here?" Tommy asked Buck.

"Yeah, I think so."

"You ready?" He leaned in and whispered quietly into his ear.

"I am." He smiled warmly back. Tommy nodded knowingly at Maddie.

"Right, I think it's time for some real celebratory drinks." She announced before removing a couple of bottles of champagne from the fridge?

"Champagne? Fancy!" Lucy declared taking a glass. Maddie handed everyone a glass and asked for everyone's attention.

"I just wanted to wish my big little brother a happy birthday. I know that you wouldn't want to share this day with anybody else than those here in this room. I love you so much and I'm so ridiculously happy for you." She raised a glass and everyone followed suit.

"Happy birthday!" They cheered together.

"Also! I think Tommy has something to add.

Everyone looked to him standing a little awkwardly. The man fought fires for a living but standing in a room full of people made him nervous. He hated being the center of attention.

"Thanks everybody for coming. So, as you know tomorrow Evan and I are going on vacation-"

"Boooo!" Eddie called out eliciting a laugh from everyone.

"However, it's not just a typical vacation were going on."

Everyone's faced were a wash of confusion.

"You getting married or something?" Karen suggesting jokingly. Tommy and Buck looked at one another with a smile neither of them could hide.

"Wait.. you're.. are you eloping?!" Chimmed asked. Everyone was standing wide eyed waiting for the answer.

"Uh.. not exactly." Buck answered. "We're going on our honeymoon." Tommy moved to the back and pulled away the black curtains to reveal the deck.

Chairs were placed all around - a mismatch of them, begged and borrowed - facing two small potted palm trees, a few feet apart wrapped in twinkling lights. More twinkling lights and lanterns hung all above and around giving the whole deck a beautiful warm glow.

"My uh.. my sister was right." Bucks voice was a little croaky, thick with emotion. "There's nobody else we would rather share this moment with that you guys. Our family." He turned his attention to Bobby. "What do you say. Cap? You wanna marry us?".

Bobby smiled broadly.

"My pleasure, kid."

There was a few moments of silence before the room erupted into joyous noise.

Oh my god!

Congratulations!

I can't believe it!

You sneaky son of a..!

The next 10 minutes were spent with everyone embracing them both. And chastising them for keeping it a secret.

Maddie opened up the bag she had brought in, took out a box and opened it to reveal an array of small  buttonhole flowers.

"Wait, you knew?!" Chim said to Maddie.

"Of course I did. Who do you think helped decorate?"

"I knew two of those chairs looked familiar. They're ours! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Howie, I love you - but you can't keep a secret to save you're life." Chimney started to protest but quickly conceded.

***

"I can't believe my little brother is getting married." Maddie told Buck after pulling him aside. Everyone else was taking their seat outside.

"I know, right?" He said, almost not believing it himself. "Is it.. is it weird that I kind of wish that Daniel was here to see it?" Tears formed in Maddies eyes, remembering their brother.

"No, its not weird. I think he'd be happy for you too." She said with a sad smile. "But hey, mom and dad are going to lose their mind when they find out, so you have that to look forward to."

"They're only now just starting to accept I'm dating a guy - I did not want to have to deal with their thoughts and feelings about marrying one. Besides they missed your first wedding so really im just carrying on the Buckley tradition."

Maddie lightly smacked him on the arm. He raised his hands in defence.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry." He laughed.

"Seriously, I'm so happy for you, Evan." She brought him into a hug.

"I'm happy for me too."

***

"So Buck told me you dont have a best man?" Eddie asked Tommy as they walked outside.

"Actually I wanted to talk to you about that." He turned his attention Chimney. Chim looked around before looking back at Tommy.

"Me?"

"You saved my life. I wouldn't be alive right now if it weren't for you." Chim smiled at him. "More importantly, if you hadn't of called asking for my help I wouldn't have met Evan. So all this-" He gestured to everyone taking their seats on their beautifully decorated deck "-wouldnt be happening if it weren't for you."

Chimney sniffed away the emotion he felt and reached out to shake Tommy's hand.

"Absolutely." He smiled and Tommy pulled him into a hug. The same type of hug he gave him after he saved his life - tightly held with his face against Chimneys to show just how grateful he was.

"Speaking of best men, you better go see if your boy is ready." Chim told Eddie. It was a given be would be Bucks best man.

Things started to quiet down as eveyone started to settle into their seats. Tommy stood at the front. Chimney to his side, looking towards the doors waiting for the love of his life to come out.

Tommy thought that it was only when you were about to die that your life flashed before your eyes. As he stood waiting, heart thumping in his chest so hard he thought for sure everyone could hear it, he thought about all the choices and moments in his life that lead to here.

All the hiding, all of the hate, all of the heartbreak. His parents, the army, even Captain Gerrard. All people and experiences that pushed him further away from who he wanted to be. Further away from happiness. He thought about all the times he'd come home from work to an empty house. All of the birthdays he'd spent alone. All those moments that he was convinced that he would never be loved.

As his eyes swept across everyone sitting in front of him - Chimney, Hen, Bobby, and everyone else he'd gotten to know at the 118 since they reconnected - his heart warmed even more. He finally had the one thing he had yearned for since he was a child. A family.

And as Maddie pressed play and the sound of Lauren Daigle's 'Hold On To Me' began playing out, the biggest smile spresd across his face as the most beautiful man he'd ever had the privilege of knowing walked out and he saw the rest of his life walking towards him.

Evan.

***

Tommy helped a drunken Lucy into Hens car, the last of the guests to leave, then walked back into the house and closed the door behind him. Buck was leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets, waiting. Tommy walked towards him slowly.

"So, Mr Kinard, what do you want to do now?" Buck closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Tommys neck.

"Show my husband how much I love him." Then he crashed his lips into Tommy's.

[capseycartwright]

when all is shaken, be my safety

Carla had said that he knew how it was, at that age - except that Eddie didn't know how it was. His defining memories of being eleven, and twelve, when everyone around him were having crushes for the first time, and holding hands, were memories of confusion and isolation. He hadn't understood the appeal, and he hadn't understood why, either.

He understood now, though.

- or, Eddie comes out to Buck.

ao3 link

“You didn’t say anything about your first kiss – or crush.”

It felt like Eddie’s throat was closing up, as Buck’s words washed over him. He had tried his best to avoid contributing to the conversation – and maybe everyone else hadn’t noticed, but apparently Buck had, and Buck was asking. Eddie couldn’t blame him – Buck was a naturally curious guy, and he was also a hopeless romantic, in his own way, and so it made sense that he wanted to know who Eddie’s first crush was, who his first kiss was.

It was just –

Well, it was a conversation that Eddie wasn’t sure how to have with Buck, or anyone else actually. He had barely begun to have the conversation with himself.

Eddie squinted at Buck, the bright early morning sun watery. “Do you want to get a coffee?” he suggested, because Buck had sort of given him the opening, now, and maybe it was about time that Eddie told someone. Buck would be a good place to start – because Buck would be kind about it.

Confusion flashed across Buck’s face, but he nodded, all the same, following Eddie as he bypassed their cars, heading out into the already busy Los Angeles morning. There was a coffee shop around the corner that they all tended to favour – Buck, especially, because they served all sorts of nonsense non-dairy milk – and Eddie knew it had a quiet terrace around back.

They walked – and queued – in silence, Buck practically bristling with anxiety as they headed for a seat. “Eddie, you’re – you’re kind of freaking me out,” Buck admitted, shuffling his chair closer to Eddie as they sat down.

Eddie took a sip of his coffee, letting the coffee settle into his tired, aching bones for a minute before he spoke. “I don’t know where to start,” he admitted, because that was the truth – it was the kind of conversation that didn’t feel as though it had a particular beginning, no sensible starting point. Could he just dive right into it? He wasn’t sure.

It’s not as if he’d done this before. Eddie had tried to have this conversation with himself, in the quiet darkness of his own bedroom, in front of the mirror, when he’d felt a little more brave, but he’d never had the conversation with another person. Not yet.

Buck would be the first.

(That felt fitting, somehow.)

“You can start wherever you’d like to,” Buck reassured, gentle, always gentle, his eyes wide and sincere as he looked at Eddie. Eddie didn’t know how he got lucky enough to have Buck – kind, generous, understanding Buck – as his best friend. He wasn’t going to question whatever power, higher or not, put Buck in his life - he’d just be grateful he had him.

“Carla said, when we were talking about Christopher – and crushes – that you know how it is at that age,” Eddie said, pausing. He remembered being eleven. He didn’t really remember it clearly – because listen, he was thirty-four years old, and time was a thief – but Eddie did remember it because that was the time his friends were starting to have crushes on the girls in their class. His best friend at the time, Noah, had spent every day for a whole week asking Jessica Mackenzie to hold his hand until she had finally relented during Friday recess and held his hand for a whole five minutes. It had made Noah’s entire day, and Eddie had watched on, confused.

He hadn’t really understood the appeal.

That – that was the first time Eddie felt as though there was something fundamentally wrong with him. On reflection – now, especially, as an adult, as a father himself – it was sad to think Eddie had been a child himself the first moment he had felt there was something wrong with him. Children shouldn’t – children shouldn’t feel like there was something wrong with them because they didn’t want to hold someone’s hand.

Buck nodded, still looking concerned.

“I don’t know how it is,” Eddie admitted, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I don’t – I don’t know how it is because I didn’t have a crush when I was Christopher’s age. I – I thought maybe it was just that I was just a bit behind my friends, on that front, but, um – I think there’s another reason why I didn’t have crushes on girls the same way my friends did.”

Say it, say it, say it.

Eddie sort of felt like he was yelling, internally – just, say it. It couldn’t be that hard – it shouldn’t be that hard.

“You can trust me with anything,” Buck reassured fiercely, reaching across the small table they were crowded around, stopping just short of touching Eddie’s hand. Eddie was sort of glad of that – he might just crumble if Buck touched him now.

Eddie gave Buck a tiny smile. “I know,” he confirmed. “I – the reason,” he took a deep breath, and another, and another. “The reason I didn’t have crushes on girls the same way that my friends did growing up is because I – I don’t like girls. Or, well – I’m not interested in women,” he corrected himself, because he was a grown man. He could say it. He’d grown a lot more comfortable with the word, in the weeks he’d been saying it - comfortable enough that a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he said it aloud, something a lot like pride beginning to coarse through his veins as he discovered who he really was.

Buck was listening intently, his expression encouraging.

“I’m gay, Buck,” Eddie said, and relief hit him with the force of the freight train as he said it to another person for the first time.

(“I’m Eddie,” Eddie said, his own expression fierce as it was reflected back at him, the yellow lighting of his bathroom hardly the most attractive. But, it felt like a safe space to say it out loud. “I’m thirty-four, and I’m a dad - to the best kid in the world - and I’m a firefighter,” he continued, reeling off all of the things he felt defined him: his son, his career.

Taking a deep breath, Eddie looked at himself carefully - there was a time he looked in the mirror, and he didn’t recognise himself, didn’t feel ownership over the body he inhabited. There was a lot of reasons for that, but this - this was one of them.

“And I’m gay,” Eddie said. The world didn’t come screeching to an end, as he said it - nothing changed, really, except the expression on his own, fierce turning to - relief. He was relieved. Eddie had worried, it wouldn’t feel right, when he said it out loud, but his own expression was proof enough that what he’d been battling with for so long was simply the truth. He was gay. “I’m gay,” he repeated, laughter bubbling up out of his chest as he said it again. The tears in his eyes - they weren’t sad ones. No, no - those were tears of complete and utter relief.

“I’m Eddie Diaz,” he repeated, wiping roughly at his runny nose. “And I’m gay.”)

Buck’s face softened, and he gave Eddie the kind of smile that felt like it had the energy to power half of Los Angeles - bright and brilliant, the same way Buck was. “Thank you, for telling me,” he closed that lingering distance between their hands, giving Eddie’s wrist a gentle squeeze.

“You’re the first person I’ve ever told,” Eddie admitted.

“Well,” Buck shifted in his seat. “I’m honoured - to be the first.”

Eddie nodded, glancing down at his sneakers, for a second. They were scuffed, at the toe - not that he was precious about that sort of thing. Buck was, but Eddie never minded - the scuffed toes were just a reminder that he was living his life, truly living it - in ways that he could have only dreamed of a few years previously when the weight of his life felt like it was crushing every last breath out of him, leaving him listless, lifeless, a shell of the person he could be if life had given him a different set of circumstances to work with.

He was better now - really, he was.

“When Carla said that,” Eddie continued. “I just - I couldn’t stop thinking about when I was that age, and how I felt like - like there was something wrong with me,” he admitted, brow furrowing. “I didn’t understand. I was too young to understand, and no one had ever explained that there was - there was more than one option. That I didn’t just have to like girls.”

“I’m sorry,” Buck said, and Eddie’s confusion must have shown on his face. “I’m sorry that the adults in your life let you down like that, Eddie.”

It was Texas - in the 1990s, to boot - and so Eddie wasn’t convinced any of the adults in his life had been too convinced there was another option either. The church, and their state - which, depending on who you asked, were the same - didn’t allow for it.

Still -

Eddie was sorry too.

He wondered sometimes, how life might have been if he had been raised in an environment more accepting of sexualities outside of heterosexual. He didn’t often think about it - because it tended to cause a spiral he wasn’t so sure how to deal with - but sometimes he allowed himself a moment or three to imagine how he might have been if he’d grown up knowing it was okay to be gay, or bisexual, or whatever it was you might be.

In another universe, Eddie hoped, there was a version of himself who knew that acceptance, and peace - and he was happier for it, Eddie hoped.

That wasn’t his universe, though.

“Yeah,” Eddie gave Buck a sad smile. “I am too.”

They were quiet, for a second.

“There’s something else,” Eddie admitted, and this was the bit he’d only recently figured out. If he was honest, he’d known for a long time that he was not straight - even if he didn’t have the words for it. When he looked back, with the benefit of hindsight and a better understanding of the world, Eddie knew that he’d gazed wistfully at Noah at lunchbreaks when he’d started dating Jessica for real, when they were in middle school, not because he was jealous of Noah for dating Jessica - like Eddie had convinced himself he was - but because he was jealous of Jessica for being the one who got to hold Noah’s hand. He had wanted to - and he knew he never would. There was a whole laundry list of moments like that that Eddie could draw a line between, all leading to the same conclusion: he’d always been gay, he just hadn’t been ready to admit it. No, that bit he understood.

This - this was new.

To him, at least.

“You know how, when I dated Ana,” Eddie began, waiting for Buck to nod. As if anyone could forget those painfully awkward few months. “I was never really comfortable with the physical part of our relationship.”

Something sad flashed across Buck’s face. “I’m sorry, Eddie.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie said, and maybe it wasn’t, but it had to be - otherwise, he’d probably just dwell on it forever. “I - I thought it was the gay thing,” he gestured vaguely. “It was a bit, the whole, being gay, thing,” he admitted. God - he didn’t know how to say this. “Have you heard of asexuality?” he tried. Maybe he could start there.

Buck nodded. “It’s - it’s when you don’t experience asexuality, right?”

“Yeah - kind of,” Eddie paused. “Not really? I - I’m just learning about it.”

“Tell me,” Buck encouraged. “What you’ve learned, I mean.”

Eddie nodded. “Asexuality is - it’s a spectrum, right? Like sexuality.”

Buck nodded. “Yeah - like, you can be bisexual, like me,” he said, clearly trying his best to understand. Eddie appreciated that. “But I’ve tended to date more women - it doesn’t mean I’m not bisexual. I’ve just - I’ve had more crushes on women. So far, at least.”

Eddie nodded. “Asexuality is like that - it’s a spectrum,” he explained. He’d done a lot of research - he’d have to show Buck all the tabs he’d bookmarked. Buck would be proud. “Some people don’t experience sexual attraction at all, and others do, a bit - it depends, right? The same way everyones sexuality looks different.”

“What does it look like for you?”

Eddie huffed. “You joined up those dots, huh?”

Buck shrugged. “I figured you brought it up for a reason,” he hummed.

“There’s this - there’s something called demisexuality,” Eddie explained. “It’s when you’re only sexually attracted to people you’ve got like - an emotional connection with. I think that’s me - and I think that’s why Shannon was so - was so important to me, because maybe I’m not attracted to women, but we - we had that deep emotional connection, and it made it easier for me to convince myself that she was the one. You know? And I realise now that I - I’d have been denying myself more, for the rest of my life, if we’d stayed together like we planned, because maybe we had that emotional connection, but…”

“You’re gay,” Buck supplied helpfully.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “I just - I’m still getting used to the idea of it, you know? Because like - every article I read about coming out when you’re older, and only figuring out you’re gay when you’re an adult is like - telling you to get out, and date, and explore your sexuality.”

“And you don’t want to,” Buck finished for him.

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded. “I don’t want to - because the idea of ever having sex with someone that I don’t know, and feel safe with, kind of terrifies me.”

“You don’t have to,” Buck said. “You know that, right? You don’t need to have sex with another man to - to validate your sexuality, or whatever.”

“I know,” Eddie said. “But it’s nice to hear it from someone else.”

“I,” Buck paused, scraping back his chair. “I’m going to hug you now,” he informed, looking terribly serious.

Eddie loved him.

“Okay,” Eddie couldn’t help but laugh, standing up too. “You don’t need to ask permission.”

“I know,” Buck said, and he scooped Eddie into his arms in that same way he always did, his arms strong around Eddie’s back as Buck held him close, his best friends face tucked into the groove of Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie pressed his face into the soft material of Buck’s t-shirt, the soft, powdery smell of his fabric conditioner familiar - they used the same one, after all, so they could buy it in bulk.

Eddie breathed in, and out, slowly counting to ten and back. It had been sort of overwhelming, to tell Buck - well, everything.

“Thank you,” Buck said. “For trusting me.”

Eddie nuzzled his face into Buck’s shoulder a little more. He didn’t care that they were in public. “Thank you,” he hummed.

“For what?”

Eddie let out a breath it felt like he’d been holding for his entire adult life. “For always making me feel safe.”

And that was the point of it all, really. Buck had, from the moment they’d become friends, created a space so safe for Eddie, and for Christopher, that it felt inevitable that Eddie would finally come to terms with all the things he’d been avoiding for as long as he could remember - Shannon, the army, his family, his sexuality - and Buck had carved out a place where Eddie had felt comfortable to do that, all because he had Buck to rely on.

He couldn’t quite articulate how much it meant.

Buck’s grip tightened, in a way that should have felt suffocating, but only made Eddie relax more, comfort and safety sinking deep into his bones. “Thank you,” Buck returned, and Eddie didn’t need to be able to see his best friends face to know Buck was crying. He could hear it, in the way Buck’s voice cracked a little as he spoke.

Eddie wasn’t worried, though - he knew Buck would explain all the reasons for the way he’d been acting these last few months, once he was ready to.

“For what?” Eddie hummed.

Buck was quiet, for a second. “For giving me a family, Eddie.”

And, well -

Eddie couldn’t argue. That was what he’d been trying to do for years, after all.

They broke apart, Buck wiping roughly at his eyes, shaking his head. “You’re the one who just came out, and here I am - crying. I feel like you should be crying.”

Eddie was quiet, for a second. “I don’t feel like crying about it,” he admitted. “Because I’m not scared, or upset about it - not anymore. I feel…”

He trailed off.

“I feel free,” Eddie admitted. “For the first time in my life - I feel completely free.”

“Oh God, you’re going to make me cry again,” Buck was blinking furiously. “I’m going to start sobbing in his coffee shop, and it’s all your fault.”

Eddie laughed, nabbing his coffee from the table. “Come on, you big crybaby,” he teased. “Let’s go home.”

Buck nodded, pausing to pick up his own coffee before he slung an arm around Eddie’s shoulders, guiding them back out onto the street. “So,” he hummed. “What next?”

Eddie grinned up at his best friend. “I have absolutely no idea.”

And he couldn’t fucking wait.

fin.

[teal-fiend]

An experienced prey helps a someone through their hunger by offering themselves up as a first meal, and guides the new pred through the experience (continuation of this post)

Content: prey pov, pred pov (alternating), digestion, implied fatal vore, pred has a panic attack 

“You’re really hungry, are you?”

A nodded

“It’s the kind of hunger that never goes away right? No matter what you do, you’re still hungry. You know what this means right?

You’re a predator, you have different requirements. Dietary”

A shook their head, “no, no I can’t. I’m not like that.”

“What do you mean you can't?”

“I’ve never done it before, and I don’t want to”

“Why am I here then? Because you need to. You’re desperate to end your hunger. You don’t see yourself as a predator, you don’t think you could ever do what they do, you probably think it’s immoral too, but soon you’ll understand why they do it.” B put their hand on A’s shoulder, “they do it because it works.” B stepped away again, gesturing with their hands to emphasise the next words “you want to stop being hungry then eat. It’s that simple.”

“But what about you?” A asked quietly

B laughed, “you’ll be a terrible pred, asking questions like that.”

“Yeah, sure - that’s the point.”

“You’ll see, predators - you always change your tune after you eat, once you realise it’s what you’re meant to do.

A shook their head, “Not me”

B rolled their eyes. Everyone says that

“ you are partially correct; this won’t go well if you resist. If you don’t ‘believe in yourself’ (even if that sounds cheesy), it’s going to be a lot harder for you. It might even turn into a bad experience for you, which is the opposite of what we want. So. I’m going to need you to make a decision. 

Right now, you have to say that you are going to eat me, and follow through with it

No backing out. (Unless you actually get nauseous or otherwise can’t digest me - you have to at least give it a solid go). 

Give yourself a chance. You’ve come this far, you’re making an effort to solve your problems. Now is the time to actually do the dirty work.

Do we have a deal?”

“Okay, I’ll try,” they muttered, “I don’t really have any other options at this point.”

B clasped their hands together, “that’s the spirit. Okay, this next part is probably the most difficult, but it gets easy once you get the hang of it. You’re just going to put your mouth over me, and do your best to swallow. It might feel a little weird or embarrassing but, well, it’s the only way.”

“Ah, Okay…” A babbled

It took them an uncomfortable amount of time to figure out from which direction they wanted to approach B, and how exactly they wanted to get B past their teeth

An image came up in B’s mind of a lizard they once had who would always miss the bugs they put in the cage. No hunting instincts. 

A would have no chance if they actually had do hunt for prey

Just once they thought A had a good grip, they spit B out again

“I don’t think I can do it,” they gasped

B sighed, “I didn’t want this to be my first choice, because I wanted you to learn how to do it on your own, but I think I can help. You won’t have to do much work, but you will have to relax.”

B didn’t know if A knew how to relax. They had been rigid the entire time, it wasn’t doing them any favours. 

In all their experience with preds, they had never seen one so incapable as A. B had just been in their mouth, and it hadn’t mattered at all. It was frustrating, but subconsciously it only made B more determined to make A into an active pred

B turned on the radio, maybe background noise would help, and they ushered A over to a wall, that B could use as leverage to push themselves down A’s throat. 

The attempt failed. B was wondering if maybe A wasn’t a pred after all. 

“How are you feeling right now,” B asked, out of breath

“Bad,” A admitted

You know what would feel good right now, a full stomach

“You have it in you, I’m sure of it,” B said, although they were starting to doubt. “Your body knows what to do, your head is just getting in the way.”

“I think too much, is that it?”

“Kind of, just - ok Okay, we are going to do some exercises to try to get you into the mindset. Focus on the sensations in your body - close your eyes. Try to put a mental spotlight on that area in your middle, where you feel hunger the most. Here - “ B took A’s hand and placed it on their stomach, “allow yourself to feel your hunger, and accept it, don’t try to shy away from the unpleasant sensation. You need to admit it to yourself. Are you hungry?” A, almost in a trance, nodded, “yes”

“Good, that’s step one. Now. You are hungry, desperately so, you can feel it. It’s strong, it hurts, it makes everything else in your head foggy. But lucky for you, you have food. Me. So” 

B sighed, “that’s the next part you have to believe. I am your food,” they gently rubbed A’s stomach, feeling it growl painfully beneath their hand. B liked to see predators when they were hungry, but usually they were more assertive, less pathetic. 

“I can be in your stomach in a matter of seconds if you want it, which deep down you do. Bring that part of you up, don’t resist your feelings, your desires, your hunger. Be honest with yourself”

“I’m going to open your mouth now, just let yourself feel good, don’t be ashamed, don’t be worried, you have nothing to worry about…” B slid their hands into A’s throat and pushed off of the wall, they reached as far down as they could until they felt A tensing,

“Relax, relax, relax,” B grumbled irritably, and miraculously their hands slid down even further, they pushed down as far as they could before A could second guess it, and once their head was through, they started to feel the throat constrict, but then ease - A was swallowing them. B felt another tight clench around them like they were suddenly caught in a vice, but then they were the one being pushed further, the squeezing was rapid, desperate, and a less than efficient, but A was gulping them down with all their might. B felt smug about being correct, a switch had been flicked once A had realised how good it felt to have such a big meal move down their throat all at once. B imagined it would be the best thing A had ever experienced. But that was nothing compared to what would happen next

—

A felt heavy, like they had eaten a boulder, and they felt stretched, painfully, they still felt sore, they still felt a bit shit, a bit tired. It wasn’t as rapturous as B and many others had led them on to expect. It was weird, it was definitely odd, but not much else

The swallowing felt good; they did feel something then. A rush, and it did feel good to have such a promise of a meal and the satisfaction it would bring… but it didn’t last long. There was prey in their stomach… and A didn’t like it all that much

“How do you feel?” B asked from their stomach

“I don’t feel much at all,” A said thoughtfully

“That’s what they all say,” B muttered. 

A sat down. It was funny, all of this, being a predator, they never thought they would do something like this, and furthermore, A never thought they would become like predators you hear about; hedonistic, driven by instincts, a slave to the monster that was inside them - that kind of stuff didn’t happen for A, but it would be interesting if it did. If their stomach felt so stretched and full, if that could bring them such satisfaction, the idea was a little scary. But surely not… unless

“I - “ A stuttered, “I think I’m starting to feel something,” they said shakily. 

“Yeah, your tummy is really having it’s go at me,”

“What do you mean?” A asked, worried

“You’re digesting me, buddy. Wait, you’re starting to feel it, aren’t you?”

“No,” A said, “no no no. oh god no.”

“Hold on, don’t freak out, it’s alright,”

“I’m…” A could feel a hot, almost burning sensation in their stomach, it groaned languidly

“It’s ok, remember what I said about relaxing - okay your heartbeat is going up but that’s normal for digestion, just don’t have a panic attack or anything.” B laughed dryly

A could feel their heart burning, their stomach felt like it was pressing on all of their other organs, depriving them of oxygen

“I, I think I’m dying,” A could hardly recognise their own voice by how it was shaking. They felt their chest actually ache in pain, real pain, clenching, like a heart attack, “I’m… I feel like I’m going to die.”

“Okay,” They felt B realign themselves in their stomach, “Okay, you’re definitely not dying, you can’t die from eating prey, you’re just freaking out because you’re not used to this. Have you had a panic attack before?”

“Panic attack? No,” this wasn’t a panic attack, it was a heart attack, and they were dying, A had never been more sure of anything

“Okay, look it up. You can’t die from it, you’re just getting used to the new sensations. I’ll admit, this isn’t an ideal outcome for your first meal, and I wouldn’t have pushed you if I knew you were this worried about it, but you couldn’t eat me on your own, so I doubt you’ll be able to get me out, so you’ll just have to strap in for the next few hours. How are you doing out there?”

It was hard to believe B since A’s body was saying the opposite. They still felt a huge pain in their chest, and it wasn’t going away. “I’m not doing good,”

“Do you feel pain? Try to redirect that energy to your stomach, your heartbeat, just focus on the heartbeat in your stomach instead, feel the sensations you have here,” B rubbed on the stomach walls, “you don’t feel empty anymore right? Must be a relieving feeling.”

B was right, A focused on the feeling of their stomach, it was good, they were really full, when they actually took a moment to reflect, they realised it. They really had never eaten so much at one time. 

A lay down on their side - they let the belly rest on the floor, feeling it gurgling against the carpet. They truly had never felt this was before, it was entirely different to how they expected it. They had eaten a lot before, of course, trying to curtail the hunger, but this sheer amount, it was such a shift in perspective of what they could physically experience. It was something entirely new, they felt like a child again, seeing things for the first time, they didn’t know they could feel this way. 

And when their heartbeat slowed and evened out, the sensations changed from anxiety into a deep blanket of pleasure that radiated from their core. They felt satiated, but even that word didn’t do justice. 

I know now,  A thought, I know what they mean now

I get it

[definitelynotshouting]

Hello again! Im so sorry to hear you feeling well when i sent in my ask the other day :( hoping that the life series drop tmrw will provide a much needed distraction for whatever you need it to :)

-☀️

"I know the, um, this morning didn't go… very well… but… if I could—""

"Good, he thinks, but it's a rote sentiment, not half so vicious as it had been only hours earlier."

- oh??? 👀 i am looking

- Im assuming this is the meeting they had about taking grian back to hermitcraft (and the revelation that grian feeds on emotions to survive)?? Very curious

- Now that metaphor about the childhood coat being stained is a lot more painful

-☀️

"even stolen energy can't make up for that."

"everything he'd never had the first time he— well, when Grian, the real Grian— had died."

- "stolen energy" omg i am biting ankles over this.

- And the "real Grian" thing. Yeah

- This is one of those moments where grian's whole situation is so much more potent and vivid. Imagining living as myself, but knowing im occupying someone elses body, and having my very lifeforce sustained by others?? Its not hard to understand why grian internalises and hates himself for being "a parasite". Idk thats probably very obvious to everyone else but this is the first time ive really thought about all of what that entails

-☀️

"Starving hands reach out from the depths of his mind to pull him back, stumbling, under that dark waterline."

- Love how the word "starving" implies that G falling asleep is more of a survival mechanism forcing him under so that his body can feed rather than only exhaustion

-☀️

"he's pressed a knife to every promise he's ever made since the day he emerged,"

- shaking you

-☀️

"His existence lies in the shadows of these distorted fractures, jagged hopes and dented dreams, forever fated to cut his hands on the fragments."

- AHHHHJSLDHSJSVSN

- Man 🧍

- Dont have any words. Just tears.

AAAAAAAAAA SUN ANON I ALWAYS LOVE SEEING YOU IN MY INBOX!!!! Gods im so glad these lines resonated with and interested you, they were a ton of fun to write

I have a brain today so i can actually expand on some of the things youve pointed out instead of just aiming heart eyes at you for the compliments fjsndjsjejke so for the first point, yes!!! Scar and Xisuma returned to the others post chap 6 and were like "Well that sucked!! Wow!!!!" I wouldnt say theyve given all the information to everybody, because they themselves aren't exactly ready to discuss that beyond the immediately required basics, but everyone else was given the gist: convo went badly, Grian is being taken back to Hermitcraft on Scar and Xisuma's insistence. Both Scar and Xisuma feel fucking horrible for how that conversation went down-- nobody had a good time there. So while the plan is to eventually get everyone up to speed, they're sorta taking this time to be miserable about what was essentially a fight that ended in stripping Grian of his autonomy

There's also a little cross-communication happening here in the background, btw: Scar and Xisuma have a pretty big picture now, but Tango, Mumbo, and Pearl have been fed that false info abt the potions being potentially useful. So, yknow :) just smth to keep in mind there haha

Your point about how it almost feels like Grian falling asleep is a survival mechanism is spot on the money. It's essentially him falling into a state of low power mode, where everything but his most basic of functions is shut down for a brief time in favour of preserving energy-- i would honestly consider it more equivalent to a coma than actual sleep. Hence Tango's concern, and subsequent relief when Grian woke up; the entire time he was unconscious, he was fully unresponsive. So, yknow. Real nerve-wracking to see, especially after that prior full week of unresponsiveness as his body struggled to maintain itself.

Tango's role here is indeed deliberate, both on a watsonian and doylist level!! The reason however is the exact same for both: Tango is a little more removed, personally, from this situation. Grian was-- and is-- his friend, ofc, but he's not as close to whats happening. Meanwhile, Xisuma is in 24/7 server babysitting mode, Pearl is not fit to be a caretaker, and Scar and Mumbo were tearing themselves apart by trying to sit and look after him. So Tango got assigned caretaker duties 😂😂😂😂 it was an effective way to divvy up tasks and keep everybody busy, and somewhat hilariously, so far Tango is the only person Grian isnt supremely upset with for one reason or another. And thats why he's continued to stay in caretaker mode lol he is truly just. The only guy who can rn

I also just sorta think of him as a surprisingly emotionally savvy fixer-type, in terms of personality. Like. I think he just gets what people set down in front of him, yknow? Although hell if he knows what to do with it once he's got em. He fumbles a lot, sure, and he defaults to fix-it mode, but he is getting the message when Grian essentially says "i dont wanna talk anymore" without actually saying it

As for Grian and his headspace, rn, theres definitely a complexity at work here where he wants to die and is very genuine in that, but he IS also grateful he's seeing his friends. He cant deny that. As painful as it is, he still loves them very much, and ultimately he's trying to do this for their own good as much as for his own sense of punishment and relief. I think like... now that he's really creeping up on what he has planned, and the pieces are suddenly becoming a reality, theres a bit of dissonance he's fighting against to stay on course. He wants his friends happy; he also wants to die. He's so overwhelmingly tired; he is, as much as he feels he doesnt deserve it, glad to have his friends close. That sort of hopelessness mixed with a warped sense of comfort that he got to see and interact with them one last time. If that makes any sense. Its a bit of complexity i wanted to make sure i added in, because people are so rarely fully decided on any course of action they choose to take, without even a single flicker of doubt (and especially one so final as this). Im glad youve picked up on that, and that you appreciate what i was trying to set down with it!!! :D

This was such a lovely message, as always-- you are very sweet, sun anon, and i appreciate you lots :] i hope you're having an excellent day!!!

[boozuru]

Ghostic - Exorcism 1

⇠  chapter select  ⇢

(NOT JP PROOFED)

Season: Autumn

<Two hours later>

Keito: Eichi. I came because you called me here out of nowhere, but what is this blasted western-style building?

Keito: I owed you favour for the organizing efforts for the joint ES Halloween party, so it's not like I could say no, but...

Keito: Surely you're not up to something bizarre again, are you...?

Eichi: Fufufu. You see, this is the specially installed haunted house for Halloween at ES - we call it the ES Haunted House ♪

Eichi: I'll have you perform a "ceremonial groundbreaking" here.

Keito: ...A ceremonial groundbreaking?

Keito: Why? I don't get it.

Keito: First off, I may be the son of a temple family, but that doesn't mean I'm a proper priest. The one who does exorcisms for work is my father.

Tori: Ah, I knew it! Hibiki-senpai, he just said "I'm not a priest"! You now owe me a juice box ♪

Wataru: Mm~ So I was off the mark. And I was so sure that he would say "Eichi, are you making fun of me?", what a shame!

Keito: Hold on. Don't start placing bets on how I'll say no.

Keito: Anyway, why are you even asking me to perform a groundbreaking ceremony? Just go to a professional for one.

Eichi: Oh, Keito, that's not it. You're severely mistaken if you think you're the only one on the firing line today.

Eichi: I expected you to not agree to the ceremony, so I brought a reliable buddy along.

Keito: It doesn't matter who you bring in, I'm-

Eichi: Could you come in, clergyman Kazehaya-kun?

Tatsumi: Sigh. I don't understand what's happening either...

Tatsumi: I came here on my boss's orders. Really, what in the world am I supposed to do here?

Eichi: Yes, this is nice. The pride of ES, the Buddhist temple and Christian church duo. With this lineup, the ceremony should be a success... ♪

Keito: Can you stop patting yourself on the back over there?

Keito: Explain the circumstances to us NOW, Eichi. This is a bad habit of yours, you know.

Tatsumi: I would like to hear about it as well. I can't do a clergyman's job, but could it be that you actually need some help with ES Halloween?

Eichi: Fufu, you're right. I do find it fun to confuse people, but there's no real point to pestering you two right now.

Eichi: Thing is, Yuzuru has become unwell. I was thinking that the cause of it could be somewhere in the ES Haunted House.

Tatsumi: Hmm. That's curious. What's the connection between this building and his poor condition?

Eichi: Actually, about that; when Yuzuru was sleeping in the medical office, he kept going on about how "there's no such things as ghosts".

Eichi: So even if we don't know for sure why our usually emotionally reserved Yuzuru is suddenly so unwell-

Eichi: We think it's entirely possible that the heavy burdens he's carrying from student council work and ES Halloween could be to blame.

Eichi: And that's why I want to hold a "ceremonial groundbreaking" to ease his anxieties just a little bit.

Keito: I get the whole picture now, but it just doesn't make sense to me. How would a ceremony like that ease Fushimi's anxieties? To me it just seems like you're playing around.

Eichi: And I am.

Keito: Oi, Eichi.

Eichi: - For transparency's sake, this ES Haunted House is something I and Wataru planned out. I wanted to do a rehearsal run, a pre-opening of sorts.

Eichi: It would have been nice to have Tori and Yuzuru play here, since they are busy with the student council...

Eichi: But since Yuzuru is out of commission now, I had to look for someone to take his place.

Eichi: I call this the "ceremonial groundbreaking". I came up with the name just now.

Keito: I see. I have a lot to say about your naming sense, but I'll hold my tongue for now.

Keito: So we are here in Fushimi's place to experience the ES Haunted House as a way to lighten his workload.

Tatsumi: Well, you certainly have won me over. We have no reason to be afraid of ghosts considering our family backgrounds, so we are good substitutes for Yuzuru-san.

Keito: Sigh. You know, I now understand why you called me over. Abusing your power for sudden unreasonable requests... This conversation has basically been a montage of all your worst traits, Eichi.

Keito: However, I can't even begin to imagine the extent of Fushimi's worries right now. I'll do what I can.

Eichi: Thank you both. I think this rehearsal run will be great with you three; the coolheaded duo and the scaredy-cat Tori.

Tori: U-uh, yeah. To be totally honest, I hate scary stuff...

Tori: But it's not right for me to stay in my comfort zone when Yuzuru is working so hard he destroys himself.

Tori: Hasumi-senpai, Kazehaya-senpai. I also want to ask for a favor. Please do this "ceremonial groundbreaking" with me so I can ease Yuzuru's pain.

Tatsumi: Fufu. Of course, Tori-san.

Tatsumi: It must be the will of the Lord that I was invited here. You're fine to depend on us while Yuzuru-san is on break.

Tatsumi: This is the first time ALKALOID is participating in Halloween festivities, so we are only now learning what other units are up to. We should stick together when in trouble.

Keito: Agreed. Fushimi was of great help to me back in my student council days, so I want to make it up to him.

Keito: But more importantly: this "ceremonial groundbreaking" is for haunted house test run purposes, sure, but you have the staff on stand-by right now, don't you?

Keito: We shouldn't keep them waiting any longer. Let's save the chatting for later and get in the ES Haunted House now.

[sandwich2451]

The Violinist, chapter 5: Mel's Favour

Chapter five: Mel's Favour

"I am homesick for a place that is not mine, forever foreign in my eyes"

Mel laughed. "You're not serious. She left you and continued to say someone had been murdered? And the one person she could think of going to was Bianca?" Mel had nearly doubled over laughing. "That's ridiculous! Oh -" she snorted - "my god, that's just ridiculous. That's so funny." 

Vezi crossed her arms crossly. "I'm very happy you think my romantic ventures are amusing," she said, "but I had to take care of you while drunk and deal with that situation and act as if I wasn't depressed about the whole ordeal." "Well, you didn't really keep that cool front - I hate to remind you, but you did punch Jack twice, causing a bruised rib." "Not my fault he's an ass." 

Mel picked up her bag and swung it on one shoulder. "You're not talking to Wednesday about it, I assume?" "Why would I?" Mel rolled her eyes. "You're an idiot, you know that? You should confront her!" "Confront Addams," Vezi deadpanned. "Sure, Mel. I'll do that while you get a father." Mel gasped. "Are you calling me fatherless?" "Aren't you?" "Well, yes." Vezi smirked. "I prove my point."

« »

When Vezi composed, it wasn't pretty - usually, her process was very frustrating and aggravating to listen to. She'd sing a few notes, try to play them on her violin, think it's good, and then proceed to forget the melody within three seconds. If you listened to her composing, you'd think she was having a bad day. But - well, actually, today's the exception. She was having a bad day. So why did she think of composing? 

Because somehow, even as it is a strenuous and frustrating task of composing something lengthy yet attractive enough to listen to, it's also an accomplishment if she gets anything out of it. And also, maybe she wants to play her violin dramatically at night. Just maybe. 

Mel burst into their dorm, just as Vezi was getting to the forzando part. Mel was panting, sweat glistening on her forehead. She wasn't wearing the school uniform, but rather a pair of flared pants and a oversized t-shirt. 

"You will not believe what just happened," she started, leaning with one hand on the doorway. Someone passed behind Mel through the corridor, looking at her, confused. Vezi narrowed her eyes and sighed, putting the violin down. 

"You're for the Cask of Amontillado, right?" Mel asked. Vezi raised an eyebrow. "Poe cup?" "Duh." "The obvious choice - their costumes must be really cool - I mean, have you seen the canoe?" 

Mel sat Vezi back down once she'd regained her breath entirely. "Okay, so, you know how I really like Vyama?" Vezi narrowed her eyes. Vyama was a cellist who she'd duetted with before - good musician, not a great person. She couldn't understand why Mel liked him so much. 

"So he asked me if I knew anyone who could be their fourth member, because their fourth got food poisoning-" "Didn't that happen with Yoko too? And someone from the Pit and the Pendulums?" "Shut up, Vezi." "Wow, okay." "Shut it. Anyways. 

He kind of told his team that he'd get someone by tomorrow and I kind of told him that I'd get someone for him." Vezi squeezed her eyes shut. "You're kidding me." "You said the outfits would look cool!" "I didn't mean I'd have to wear them. Besides, won't the uniform be made with different measurements?" 

Mel smiled smugly. "All taken care of. Blackmail works wonders. It'll be ready in the morning, second set of arms taken into consideration." "No way I can say no?" Mel grinned when Vezi sighed in defeat and clasped Vezi's hands between her own. "You are an angel." Vezi huffed. "You owe me."

« »

"Xavier." 

"Vezi." They stood opposite each other - Vezi with crossed arms and narrowed eyes; Xavier with a laid-back attitude and his hands in his pockets. "Are you here to cheer me on? Seeing as Wednesday's co-leading the Black Cats, not very loyal of you." Vezi tilted her head. "I'm on your team, blockhead. They didn't tell you?" "They didn't. Why did you join? What's your position?" 

"Favor for a friend." "I thought you disliked Vyama and Ajax? And me, obviously, duh." He caught a look of surprise in Vezi's eyes. "Or not? Do you secretly yearn to befriend me?" "Fuck off, Xavier." "Now, that's not a very nice way to treat your captain." 

Vezi relaxed her stance. "But I was told to find my uniform. And do my makeup, of course. Do you need any help, or..?" Xavier smiled. "You can get dressed in the yellow tent - the rest of the team will get there in a bit for the face paint." "Makeup." "Whatever. Go get your costume, four-arms." 

Whoever had been blackmailed by Mel had done a good job at altering the costume. It fit perfectly - which was honestly outstanding, seeing as the arm holes were fitted weirdly well too. The bells jingled when Vezi moved her top shoulders - that was the only thing. Not very subtle, but then again, the team wasn't really going for 'subtle'. 

Roughly ten minutes after she'd gotten dressed, and half an hour before they were supposed to start, they got the makeup done, which was, again done very carefully, attentively, and overall just really well.  Mel poked her head in when they were halfway done. 

"Fifteen minutes left. Are you treating my roomie like you should?" Vezi smiled sarcastically, but then relaxed her face once the person doing her makeup - someone from her English Lit she didn't know the name of - swatted at her. Xavier snorted. "No, I dislocated your shoulder." "Don't give her the impression you could possibly land a hit on me. Mel, I would've dislocated both his shoulders." "I would've for you, don't worry," Mel reassured her. 

She clapped. "Well, I will be cheering for you on the sidelines. Vezi, I owe you." Vezi looked at her dryly. "This isn't the only reason, but sure." "Good luck, you guys!" And with that, there were twelve minutes to starting position. 

Once the makeup was done completely, they had seven minutes, which is fast - they had speed on their side (and a very talented makeup artist, jesus). Four minutes, and they had a strategy that Vezi now also knew of. Three minutes, and they were in the canoe - Vezi second-to-last, in front of Vyama, Ajax and Xavier up front. 

To her right were the Pit and the Pendulums with dark masks and hoods - overall, their aura was very dark, all in all. To Vezi's left were the Black Cats - Wednesday and Enid's team. Wonderful. And last of all there were the Goldbugs. Scoping out threats wasn't Vezi's strongest suit, but she'd be of help. At least she could multitask. 

Two minutes left. Enid and Ajax exchange fleeting glances and someone from the Pit and the Pendulums sends a snide comment towards Vyama, who receives it with a mocking smile and knowing eyes. 

One minute left. When Vezi looks behind her, Mel is on the forefront of people cheering. Thirty seconds. Weems starts speaking. Vezi turns around again, slightly hunched, in starting position. Twenty seconds. Fifteen seconds. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. All Vezi has to do is row. And not sink. How many seconds left? Right - none. 

"Let the Poe Cup begin!" 

[bellmo15-blog]

Hate Art is Stupid

You know, there’s a lot of things people do on the internet that I don’t think I will ever understand. From people who say that gaming is “dead” or “isn’t good anymore” while also ignoring the existence of all the great and wonderful games we have gotten over the past few years to react channels on YouTube where there success is built entirely of just reacting to other people’s stuff to how people will call out how awful AI is (which it IS awful, I am not denying that at all) but then turn around and defend AI when it’s used for “fun.” I could go on about every negative trend that’s popped up on the internet but there’s one in particular I really dislike and will never understand why some people do it. Hate art.

As someone who regularly commissions artists and has even become good friends with certain artists I have commissioned I have strong opinions on hate art. In fact, I didn’t even know hate art was really a thing until I started getting commissions and many artists having on there comm sheets that they won’t do hate art, and for good reason. And while I thankfully don’t see hate art as frequently as you might think, just the concept alone makes me groan and roll my eyes at. I don’t think I need to explain what it even is since the definition is in the name. Hate Art is art based solely on your own hatred for a character, series, person or anything really and usually in a manner that showcases stuff like those characters getting beaten up or dying or anything really. I also don’t think I need to explain why that concept on its own is a fucking stupid idea but since I’m bound to get some people asking me “Why are you agents the idea of hate art?” regardless allow me to answer that with my own question. Why waste your energy and creativity on making something solely for the purpose of telling people how much you hate that thing when you can instead be focusing that creative energy to create something based around a character or series you do love?

Look, I get it. We all have different opinions on different things based on certain factors regardless of if it’s loving something to not loving something. There are things that I love and have a passion for that no doubt some of my friends and followers don’t love as much as me. Just as how you all probably have something you love that I don’t and there is nothing wrong with that. My problem is when people’s hate for something is so strong they resort to making art solely for the intention of showing how much they hate it, maybe even doing it solely just to get under the skin of the people who do like it.

And sadly, I use to follow someone who one day decided to resort to making hate art. I’m not going to name names because even with me expressing how much I dislike the idea of hate art I don’t want people to go after anyone in particular but it was an artist I had been following for years up to that point and had some genuinely good art and had even commissioned them in the past but one day about a year ago they decided to actually make hate art. They made hate art of a certain character I loved but they really didn’t like sinking in actual shit and went on some big rant in their description about how much they hated them and I’m sorry, but I didn’t even have to think twice about unfollowing them because come on dude, really?

And yeah, you could make the argument that as artists they should have the freedom to draw whatever they want for whatever reasons they want and we shouldn’t control them. Which yeah, I do agree with on the whole "artists should be allowed to have freedom" part. I have always been in favour of the idea that any artists should have the freedom to do whatever they want with their medium. Even if I or really a majority of people are not personally a fan of how certain artists chose to use their talent (*cough* Pixar seriously thinking continuing the Toy Story movies after the emotional and amazing ending of 3 is a good idea. *cough*) I would be a pretty big hypocrite if I was such a supporter of artistic creative freedom but then tried to control how people used their creativity. Thing is, I also think criticising how some people use their talent is also just as fair because how are you going to ever improve if you don't take some legitimate criticism? Especially when you use you talent for a purely hateful reason as well!

No matter how much of a supporter of artistic creative freedom I might be, you will NEVER convince me that hate art is something I should be okay with or even get done myself even with the amount of characters from fiction I do hate.

For example; if I was still writing stories I could just as easily write one about Yami from Komi Can’t Communicate getting sentenced to and dying in prison because she is by far my least favourite character from that show due to her whole personality revolving around nothing but Komi and is even willing to kidnap and threaten to kill one of her friends just to spend time with her but the reason I won’t is because why do that when I can instead make Komi Can’t Communicate part of my crossover universe and write a story about a character from another franchise I like helping Komi get over her shyness and anxiety of interacting with other people. I could also just as easily commission an artist to draw for me a pic of Stella from Helluva Boss getting beaten to an inch of her life because she is a character I absolutely despite due to how abusive she is towards her husband Stolas, a character I actually do really like, and openly admits that she enjoys tormenting him on top of how she hit’s WAY to close to home for me personally as someone who had to put up with an abusive and manipulative step mother that came into my life during my teenage years who ended up being the cause of many of my personal issues or making the ones I already had even worse but even with how much I’d want to punch Stella in the face if I ever met her I will NEVER waste my money on something like that when spending it on a commission of Stolas sounds like a much, MUCH better use of my time given how much I like him more and slightly relate to him!

I know I’m not the only one who see’s just how stupid hate art is. Plenty of people agree with me that hate art is the dumbest thing in the world. I mentioned before that many of the artists I’ve commissioned in the past or want to commission in the future have on their commission sheets that they will turn down your requests if it’s hate art and I’m so glad they do because hate art is something we need to stop from being a thing. It’s just a shame that I know this concept won’t just go away because I call out how stupid it is because nothing get's you attention more than negativity nowadays!

[starrprincesss]

March 6th 2024

There is a life to be had, not remembered or etched in fleeting memories, but had here in this moment, here, now. When I look back on my life, I can't seem to really remember it, it seems that I was in a haze. But in truth, I wasn't actually there. I was never present. I thought that I was, I thought that I knew what everything meant, that at 18, 19, 20, 21, I had grasped the essence of life, there was nothing more to understand. I'm not sure if I can explain it well, the me not being there, it's fuzzy, I guess when you aren't true to yourself, the remembrance of it isn't clear. Because what are you remembering? Falsehood? I suppose my brain does me a favour in forgetting. When we abandon ourselves, we abandon all forms of life. For so long I thought I was fine, I deemed myself fit to take on the challenges of the world, not recognising that it was in my avoidance of pain and truth that I felt "normal". There is one specific memory from Paris that my heart goes back too in the moments that I need to see and feel my progress. It was the middle of the night, at that time I was with a very sad individual, but his agony was very familiar to me, and oddly out of everyone in my life, he was the only person who I could actually fall asleep with, I slept peacefully and it didn't take much to get me to go to sleep. Which is very rare with me. But just because he was familiar does not mean he was good, especially not good towards me. On a random night in the midst of our codependency, he triggered an odd feeling in me, and as I laid there next to him on the bed, I couldn't stop myself from crying, it came out of nowhere, almost explosively. He picked me up in his arms, and cradling me, rocked us both back and forth. It was like he was used to this, knowing how to comfort someone although he was the one to cause the hurt. Odd how that is, isn't it? To cry in the arms of someone who has hurt you but simultaneously thank them for their comfort, it is an abusers favourite trick. In the midst of my despair he asked me why I was crying, although I usually swallowed my honesty at that time in my life, I instead decided to tell the truth. I blurted out how I didn't deserve to be in Paris, how my parents have worked so hard to give me such a wonderful life, and now my wish come true is present, yet I felt as if I had failed them, that I wasn't worthy to be where I was and what I was doing. I didn't feel like the rightful daughter, because deep down, I knew that the way I was living my life wasn't good, I was headed down a dark path. And although I didn't want to accept it at that point, subconsciously, I knew what was ahead, and I knew what all of this signified. More than anything, I knew the disappointment that would burn in my parent's hearts if they knew what I was doing. So I cried in his arms, how his treatment triggered feelings of unworthiness in my heart, that then pushed out the truth of what had always been burdening me. I had always felt unworthy, undeserving, that I was never good enough, despite all my efforts, despite my intelligence and work, I was unworthy. To tackle those feelings at 20, and figure out where they stem from is like asking a toddler to spell Massachusetts. If you look at your life through a camera lens, you can start to pinpoint where certain things were foreshadowing how a certain year or semester would play out. The lovely thing about life is you never understand things in the moment, it is only when you look back through learned maturity and clarity that you realise the hidden meaning, and the lesson behind it. Look back and discover your hidden secrets, decode life as it has played out, understand it, accept it, and remember it with tenderness, but do not stay there. Do not stay in the past, it will cloud your present, until you wake up one day and realise that you have lived an entire year in a haze, that life sort of passed you by. You are not the past, do not let that be your defining story, there is so much life to live, there is so much to do, to see, to love, to be, let life be now.

[violetren]

Blood of the Basilisk Chapter 18

I am rotating Pyter rotating that pendulum around over and over in my mind. I wanna know what the fuck it is.

When I said I wanted to see Nadani leave the house independently I didn't realise I was wishing on a monkey's paw and that an entire full market in the semidaem ward would get burned down to make it happen, holy shit.

Good to finally meet Dura on page though. She was a delight. Calling everyone in the household Lady, and presumably something along the lines of young master for Pyter just to be sure she doesn't go causing offence is such a good little trait.

Sikudhana needs to elaborate on that "you've got a bit of dragon magic in you" factoid. What did Pyter do? Or could Kota have accidentally done something when removing the slave brand? I'm still leaning towards well intentioned feradrake shenanigans.

Feels like a point of potential worry for Nadani until they figure out how it happened what the nature of the dragon power is though. As far as she is concerned it could be a stealth slave mark. I reckon its probably some kind of "you're family" or "you are loved" type deal instead though just because of the genre we're working in.

I love that Sikudhana's response to Nadani's explanation of why she doesn't think it was a gremlin (complete with unicorn) was just to look at her silently for a moment. Like yeah. Same. You're right arson doesn't sound gremlin-y when you put it like that.

The healing of burns by drawing fire out was cool as fuck. This:

The power of the flame was intoxicating, and it took time for her to clear her head enough to realize the man had spoken to her.

fucking worries me a little. It could be nothing. Could just be an innocent comment on what its like using powers when she hasn't had access or understanding before. Could be me fully projecting just because I once played an onomancer who could get power boosts by exploiting elementals with her magic (at least thats what her master trained her for) and so everytime powers of any kind are described as intoxicating I am primed to go "What if they did get addicted though?"

I love how the community has come together to help not just with clearing and healing and rebuilding, but also making sure food and water and such is there to sustain the folks working and in need of care, up to and including putting umbrellas up wherever anyone finds a place to rest. It's so good.

Which makes it such a shame Guthrie arrived to ruin my mood.

Full honestly my first thought was "I wonder if she's returning to the scene of the crime." Closest reason I would be able to think why though is to flush Nadani out and of all potential bounty hunters that might be out to recapture Nadani Guthrie would know she wasn't in the ward, and would have no reason to think burning it would draw Nadani out of the safe confines of Kota's house.

I do think the fire was lit by someone less informed and hoping to get at Nadani though. I suppose it could be unrelated or more to do with the keystone and far gate thing, but... idk.

I like that Dura's response to Guthrie's shit talking Kota was a hand to her knife. I wonder if later Nadani will look back on that as "Loyal Orc Girl gonna Loyal Orc Girl" or as "Kota's employee was ready to pull a weapon on someone Kota doesn't like being around Nadani." One point Kota will have in her favour is that Dura didn't actually make a move against Guthrie.

Every time, or rather the longer, we see Guthrie she feels shadier. Idk. I don't like the interest she's taken in Nadani. She's too careful in her wording and framing of events to set Nadani against Kota even when Nadani speaks against that interpretation to feel well intentioned. She might not have been a direct threat the first time they met, but she's had time to have been contacted or heard about a lucrative kidnapping job by now ('cause you can bet the cult wants Nadani back as much as they want Kota dead for "taking" her) and she definitely feels like the type to finesse the target into practically black bagging themselves.

I have the opening shift tomorrow so I should have been in bed 40mins ago, but I saw this chapter started with Pyter getting scritches and basically fell in a trance so I'm gonna sleep now.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

I’m annoyed so I’m going o rant and go to bed so it’s done and can be left with today. I’m annoyed and feeling unrecognised and under appreciated.

Perhaps is this why her sister has distanced herself? Is this the toxicity that I knew existed but hoped wouldn’t come to reveal itself to me?

I don’t like her family because they’re white and superficial and so so boring. I can’t even pretend to engage or be interested in things that mean nothing to me… it could be as simple as me being me and them being family. It’s completely fair and understandable and expected. Once an outsider, always an outsider.

One good thing I can say is I love Istanbul. I would happily move here one day. It is beautiful and charming and interesting and cool, and somehow I feel safe amongst its chaos. It reminds me of Sri Lanka but also of Melbourne, and Europe mixed together.

Anyway, I feel overlooked. Every time I’ve made a suggestion that was overlooked, that plan backfired. We end up following my original plan, that I get put down for. What’s the point of me saying anything in the first place if you won’t listen?

Furthermore, the best experiences had on this trip thus far have been organised by ME. I booked the flights, I booked the tour that you so happily shared with your cousin (despite implying it was boring and not your cup of tea…), I found the gorgeous beach we spent the day at. YOU made us waste money on entry to a lake we didn’t even spend any time at. YOU made us waste time and energy on a shitty Airbnb for your insisted “space for the wedding” and now o have anxiety in a dodgy room. YOU made us walk in the heat for ages only to get a taxi like I’d originally suggested… when you know I have an injured shoulder. God, you can be a selfish person sometimes. YOU walk around sticking out like a sore thumb, too polite and white and attracting scams like bugs.

I love you but I know you can be a dark sided person. You’re lazy and refuse to compromise on my needs and wants for this trip. This trip that I paid all my savings and the same amount of investment that you did, and therefore deserve the same amount of control of what we do. Eh are we wasting money on Airbnbs when I explicitly said I wanted yo MEET PEOPLE AND MAKE FRIENDS. ? How many people have I met? None. Besides your exhaustingly caucasian family. No, but I’m sure they’re actually really very nice. Nice like your sister. Or your mum.

You can’t replace a plug you took out? You can copy past a code that I now have to write out entirely from memory? You can’t take an extra second to make my life more convenient, can you? So fucking lazy. And you insist on paying for everything only to tell me the amount before conversion, giving me a million extra things to do at the end of the day. Cant you simply do it yourself? Or constantly demanding my attention WHEN IM TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ALREADY. cant you fucking wait for one second while I get my shit done. I can’t even THINK FOR A MOMENT WITHOUT YOU ASKING ME TO DO SOMETHING. figure it out on your own! Jesus fucking Christ! I need a break from her. Stop leading me on goose chases and making me look like a fucking idiot. We look like a couple of idiots when your in the lead.

I am evil for saying these things but it must be done or I won’t stop coming back to the thoughts. I am angry and upset and frustrated and sick of being ignored overlooked disrespected and dismissed. If it weren’t for me this entire trip would be in shambles. Genuine fucking shambles. I have all the ACTUAL addresses. I have all the flight times. I organised everything for you as a favour to you. And you can’t as little as make a fake id for me to use when you literally made a promise to do so?

I despise someone who doesn’t live up to their words. I’m constantly apologising and stepping on eggshells to make you happy and you can’t even find the tiniest effort to meet my expectations. The disrespect is strong. I’m very disgusted by it. I know my worth and it is not this. I won’t be letting your laziness affect this trip negatively anymore. I am taking control and I don’t care if it bothers you because you are not responsible enough to do it yourself.

I will listen to music when I want to. My music. I will read when I want to. I will appreciate men when I want to. Privately. Unjudged. I will walk as far as I like. I will prioritise my health because that matters to me. I will meet new people and travel independently because that is what I wanted in the first place. I will stay silent when I want to be silent. I won’t engage in superficiality for social niceties because that just ain’t me. I am deep and complex and interesting and I won’t water myself down for you or for anyone for that matter. Don’t think this trip is any exception. I invested in this trip for ME. so I come first. ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t care if you’re bored of me!!! I will entertain myself! I don’t have to be here if you don’t want me to be! Leave me alone !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[randommusingsstuff]

Why Ben and Devi are Endgame (Meta)

At the heart of every rom-com, it always comes down to this: what does the protagonist truly want? 

Why Devi and Paxton Don’t Work

In the season 2 finale, Devi triumphantly says “So, I guess I'm Paxton Hall-Yoshida’s girlfriend now”. She got what she thought she wanted at the start of her journey, only it’s not what she wants anymore. 

Although Devi cares for Paxton, she views him as a status symbol. Paxton, for all his growth, still sees himself as cooler than her. And no, he was not just embarrassed because she cheated on him. Before he knew she was cheating, he invited his friends on their first date and refused to call her his girlfriend. In the finale, it once again takes someone else to point out that he shouldn’t blow her off. As Devi and Paxton walk into the dance, he gives his friends a sheepish look while they judge him. Not only does he still have lingering feelings of embarrassment, his friends’ reactions suggest turbulence ahead for their relationship. 

There is also a lack of communication between Paxton and Devi. They have a magical kiss by the window, and makeout sessions afterwards, but they don't actually talk about their relationship in that elapsed time. Devi makes the assumption that they are together and Paxton doesn’t articulate what he wants until it is forced out of him. 

What can we conclude from this? Paxton is a great character, but he is not the one for Devi. They have differing interests and goals, a lack of communication and they do not see each other for their true worth. 

Can the writers surmount all of these issues to give them an endgame? Yes, but it would require fundamentally changing who Devi and Paxton are. 

Why Devi and Ben Work

In episode 1 of season 2, Devi wants to pick Ben but her friends talk her out of it. This is crucial to understanding why they belong together: her gut instinct has already revealed the truth. She had both guys vying for her and she wanted Ben. Just by this one fact alone, we can infer that Devi’s relationship with Ben was more meaningful to her than her pursuit of Paxton in season 1.

When it’s revealed that Devi is two-timing the boys, Paxton is hurt but Ben is devastated. Paxton likes her, but Ben connected with her on a deeper emotional level. Devi follows Paxton out of the party, which is understandable because he is the one walking away. Again, this is cleverly hinting at their communication styles. Paxton wants to avoid the situation and Ben wants to talk about it. From Ben’s perspective, Paxton is the guy she has wanted for so long and he is the second choice. 

Throughout the season, Ben never considers the fact that Devi could want him over Paxton, which is equal parts sad and infuriating. Her therapist asks what she wants more than anything and she says Ben. In context, it’s a comical line, but it’s also Devi revealing her truth. Like she does at the beginning of the season, she makes a choice and it’s Ben. She pursues Ben romantically before Paxton even though Paxton is the one more willing to forgive her. 

It takes Ben longer to forgive her, and yet he is still there for her when she needs help. The little things he does like give her advice about Aneesa and make her feel better about Paxton’s rejection all show Devi’s ability to be vulnerable with Ben. 

As an aside, they had the opportunity to show Devi being vulnerable with Paxon but didn’t take it. In episode 8 of season 2, Paxton sees Devi crying and she reveals that she got into a really bad fight with Eleanor. I was thinking: here it is, here is the moment that Paxton finally helps Devi with her problems... but no. His response is “seems like you’re in a fight with lots of people” and the conversation quickly shifts to her apologizing and helping him yet again. Devi is able to open up to Ben and be supported by him in a way that she can’t with Paxton.

Before I talk about the finale, which is arguably the biggest point in Ben and Devi’s favour, I want to look at the season overall. The entire story arc is Ben and Devi wanting to be together but constantly running into roadblocks in the form of Eleanor/Fabiola, Paxton and Aneesa. It was so alarmingly obvious they belonged together after season 1, that the writers had to find ways to forcibly separate them for the time being. It’s important for Ben and Devi’s relationship that she dates Paxton first. If she had been allowed to go for Ben, they would have had to explore Devi wondering what she missed out on. When Devi and Ben do get their happy ending, it will be because Devi has realized that Paxton is not the person for her. 

In the finale of season 2, we get 3 crucial scenes from Devi and Ben. The first is the bathroom scene which reaffirms Devi’s ability to be vulnerable with Ben and his ability to support her (something she doesn’t have with Paxton). The second is their tension-filled scene at the dance where they longingly stare at each other. This directly contrasts the scene in episode 8, where Devi tries to reframe her mindset and stop seeing Ben as someone she is attracted to. Here, it becomes apparent that she is unable to stop thinking about him in a romantic way despite actively trying. 

The third scene is basically Eleanor saying “you dummy, she wanted to choose you!”. The writers intentionally reference the pros-cons scene from episode 1, re-affirming that Devi wants Ben. The only reason they are not together is because he is not an option. 

Then we get the line “it wasn’t always him”. Many Devi and Paxton fans believe her choice was Ben, but he took too long and now it’s too late. But when has it ever been too late for a main love interest in a rom-com? Mindy Kaling is a rom-com savant, and she knows as well as I do that it’s only ever “too late” for douchey guys who do not acknowledge the self-worth of the heroine. That’s not Ben though, he has always seen Devi for who she is. 

The heartbreak on Ben’s face is infinitely worse than Paxton’s voicemail at the end of season 1, although these scenes are meant to parallel each other. Devi and Paxton are two people who like each other but do not work as a long-term relationship. Ben and Devi are two people who work as a long-term relationship but never acknowledge their feelings for each other at the right time. It’s a tragedy just waiting to be rectified in season 3.

Season 3 Predictions

Now that I've given my analysis on why Devi and Ben are meant to be, here are some predictions I have on the Devi-Ben-Paxton love triangle for season 3.

Fabiola/Eleanor will be the ones to help Devi act on her true feelings for Ben. This one is a no-brainer for me. After sabotaging their chance to be happy in the first place, Fabiola and Eleanor will decide that they want their friend to be happy and set things right. It will also parallel Ben mending their friendship in season 1.

Paxton and Devi will have some sweet moments in the first half of the season, but not without their issues. The lack of communication and their respective status (the way they view each other) will cause them to fight. They will break-up mid-season, but the ending will leave hope for reconciliation.

On that note, I do not think they will kill the love triangle. Even though we will likely see Devi confessing her feelings for Ben and saying that she wanted to choose him all along, this is still a TV show. Contentious love triangles = buzz and money.

Ben and Aneesa will break up by mid-season, but probably earlier. Ben will find it hard to be in a relationship with Aneesa as he grapples with his feelings for Devi.

Ben will be a pillar of support to Devi as she navigates how to be a girlfriend. It’s the classic trope of the guy helping the girl win over the man of her dreams, only to realize that the person she wants is right in front of her.

 Devi and Ben’s friendship and lingering feelings will culminate in an epic finale confession and kiss. Everything that they were unable to say to each other last season will be spoken aloud in season 3.

Ben and Devi are soulmates, drawn to each other and unable to avoid their feelings. I can’t wait for them to take over my life again next year.

[travelling-on-the-octopath]

To touch on your great analysis meta about the routes, why do you think so many Dimitri haters lament about AM being a character driven narrative? Do you think it's just salty haters who can't accept that CF wasn't the same character driven narrative for Edelgard? Or salty Claude fans who dislike that VW was more about Fodlan lore than about Claude himself? I've always been of the belief that character driven plots are the best types of stories because I prefer characterization to lore tbh.

I was thinking about this exact thing yesterday actually: Why have I seen so many complaints over the years that Dimitri's route is about . . . Dimitri?

I came to a conclusion that may be absolute horseshit, but oh well:

We come to stories for escapism, right? On the surface that comes across as just a different set of rules to a world, to the point where we can't recognize our current circumstances.

That's not entirely true. At least, it's not true on its own. We want stories that make us feel. We come to pieces of media to listen to, read, watch stories that could be about us, but in a different world. We want to witness people, who could be us, who might just be us, go through the trials and tribulations of life--if not something astoundingly worse--and walk out okay, because that means we'll be okay. Humans are fickle creatures, and we want just enough about a story to be foreign to entice us into looking at it, and then be relatable enough for us to sink our teeth in and love it for years. Strangeness draws us in, and relatability keeps us there.

You can only do that with really good characters. You can only get that resolution when you watch realistic characters go through problems that are likely (i.e., probable within the narrative) to affect them, if not ruin them, only for them to emerge victorious. (And I say probable, because if rabid doves were to start attacking Fódlan, it would turn into a comedy long before anything else.)

I've seen various complaints about AM. Some of them are warranted. Others not so much.

Why doesn't Dimitri tackle TWSITD? Well, he kills three of their major players on accident, and while he wants to learn the truth of the Tragedy, he comes to accept that if he focuses on what he doesn't know, he's going to find himself in an even earlier grave. Also, Dimitri's story is about him. Trying to shoehorn in Fodlan's past would a) contradict his themes of leaving behind the uncertain and moving forward with the certain and b) force him into a claude-like role where he's not important, the lore is. (Which isn't to say that it couldn't have been done, just that several things would have had to be reworked and changed to write a compelling Dimitri story alongside that of the church/agarthans/nabateans. Claude was more primed for a story that ties in his character with the lore, but, again--shafted.)

Why does Dimitri focus on the painful parts of his life? I hate to break it to people, but pain is pain. It goes away when it wants, if it wants. Post-skip, he's just spent five years up to his eyes in that pain, at the whims of his mental illness. The biggest point in favour of AM is that he becomes better at bearing it, as we all do with time and support.

Why do I have to hold his hand? Sorry, that's all Byleth (and a hefty sprinkling of writers' work.) At the end of the day, Byleth wants to help Dimitri. Their character isn't as fleshed out as others', courtesy of the curse of avatar-ness, but that they want to help people is a pretty consist characteristic across the game. Also, I understand that the more aggressive symptoms of mental illness are frustrating (I deal with it from my own family), but that does not, and will never, mean someone deserves to be abandoned. That someone inconveniences you or frustrates you does not warrant the total removal of their support. Now, I wanted to rattle him at moments, because godDAMMIT Dimitri, can you sit down for a second instead of trying to march off to your death, but if you equate being frustrated with someone's mental illness to thinking they deserve to fester in their own pain . . . You need to do some serious soul-searching.

Why does Dimitri make a complete 180 the minute Rodrigue dies? He doesn't. You have to actively stop him from riding off to Enbarr on a suicide mission. To boot (and I blame this first and foremost on the support structure), he admits that he's going to be seeing and hearing shit till the day he dies in his S support with Byleth. He doesn't make a 180; he just tries to get his shit together to save his kingdom.

Why does Dimitri make everything about him? I don't know how to explain the concept of empathy to people, really, but he's being empathetic. I've been comforted by people who share my pain, and I do the same thing, because pain is manageable, but pain you face alone is lethal. Dimitri continually says this, that without the support of those around him, he likely would have died a long time ago.

Dimitri is a character that is completely and utterly relatable in his pain. No, a vast majority of us haven't watched our families get slaughtered in front of our eyes in a blaze of terror, but it's his pain we feel. I've forgotten the voices of my dead loved ones; I have a hard time remembering to take care of myself; I have to remind myself that I am not my mistakes, and I am not the hurt I've dealt to people. Sure, he's a king in magical, distant not-Europe, but first and foremost he is a person whose journey we witnessed, from a prince who sees himself first and foremost as a weapon for the grief of his dead family to a king who wants nothing more than to see his home safe and sound. He isn't his pain, and neither am I. That's what brings tears to my eyes; that's how I can play White Clouds over and over in the name of getting to AM, because his journey is woven into it so neatly.

That's the thing people want when they come to a story; they want a tale of people overcoming the obstacles they themselves face, often in window dressings that don't match their own world's. Ultimately, the window dressing doesn't matter, but rather the victory of the character. Stories are for people, and so they have to be about people. That's why characters carry plot, and not the other way around.

Anyway. That's just my two cents.

[givemearmstopraywith]

How do you deal with doubt? You seem very sure of your faith, with all that knowledge and stuff. For me, I have these phases of doubt that are so time and thought consuming. I'm in one right now and I really can't be dealing with that at the moment. So... would you say there's a way to fight the doubt? Most people would probably go with prayer. That's the first thing I tried, but that barely did something for me.

i think there's a terrible culture within christianity that shies away from the use of doubt as a means to faith, but the truth is that i would not have as much conviction in my faith if i hadn't also gone through extreme periods of doubt. people who never experience doubt are very lucky, but i think there is an element of passivity to unquestioning faith which is held up as pious virtue but is really kind of benign. moreover there's also a terrible misrepresentation about doubt, where it's presented as a kind of moral failure or a kind of "point of no return": if you have doubt, then it must be your shortcoming. i disagree with this unilaterally. when we doubt, it shows that we are thinking about what we have chosen to place the vibrant, energetic power of our belief in.

if you want to take a truly christian slant, then even jesus experienced moments of doubt. the forty days in the wilderness and his prayers in gethsemane are among the most pivotal personal moments in his life, but they are both characterized by doubt.

recently a friend expressed how they found it strange that someone as logically-minded as myself had decided to pursue something seemingly entirely illogical, like theology; but he caught himself quickly and said, "but you were logically convinced to believe in God, right?" and this is true. i spent a long period of my life tortured by doubt, doubt strong enough that i abandoned my faith entirely in favour of atheism, which at the time seemed "logical." but as time went on, for a variety of reasons, i realized that it was actually more illogical for there to simply be nothing. so doubt actually became foundational to my belief because it forced me to really assess: what was i doubting? why was i doubting it? doubt forced me to find explanations for what i could not explain and because of this, my faith is not benign but based entirely on empirical evidence. and i would not have been able to do that without doubt.

in the book of job, God allows the tempter to subject job to torturous circumstances in order to test his faith. i love the first chapter of job and this scene of satan being present in the court of y---. it's a very different picture of the devil, temptation, and even doubt: something that is a tool used by God to strengthen us. even doubt comes from God. God does not test us, but he does allow us to suffer. when we suffer, we learn how to endure. catherine of siena wrote that nothing great was ever done without much enduring. endurance is the nature of God: God, like love, endures all things. we must suffer in order to learn how to emulate that endurance. and so our faith must also suffer- this intense love we experience for God, or the universe, or whatever deity or power we place our trust and hope in.

learn to love your doubt. it is there to strength you. lean into it. recognize the presence of God in doubt. God is not merely a thing that exists: God transcends human understanding to become present even in his apparent absence. a 9th century scholar, john scotus erigena, sums this up beautifully:

"We do not know what God is. God Himself does not know what He is because He is not anything [i.e., "not any created thing"]. Literally God is not, because He transcends being."

God is not created, so he doesn't exist. God simply is. he is present in your prayers, he is there in the tangible markers of his presence, and he is there in your doubt. reach out for him: he will catch you.

[beels-burger-babe]

Of Jealousy and Friendship - Epilogue

*** Back due to popular demand, here is a little epilogue for what happened at school the next day after pt. 2 Enjoy! - B***

Summary: MC makes a lower demon friend who may secretly be hoping for something more than friendship. The Demon Bros are not about to let this happen.

TW: Discussions about scenting and non-consensual physical contact. PART ONE, PART TWO

The next day of school was...interesting to say the least. For starters, the brothers refused to leave your side. There was one of them lingering near you at all times. Some of them had the decency to try and be subtle. Satan would just happen to be studying in the same room as you, or Belphie was napping and was wondering if you could keep an eye on his things while he did. But then there were the others who were more than obvious. Mammon and Asmodeus both had to pried off of your arms by Lucifer to get them to actually go to their own classes. Leviathan, despite usually doing his classes at home in his room, actually attended school that day and insisted that he needed your help finding a few rooms here and there. The normally sweet and friendly Beel was glaring at any lower demon that so much as looked in your direction. And boy did they look. The moment you took a step into a classroom, you could see a number of lower demons flinch back at the combined strong sent of seven of the most powerful demons in the Devildom. Everywhere you went, whispers seemed to follow you. There were undoubtedly rumours about what you might have done in order to trick the brothers into favouring you; though you never heard any of them since no one dared to come within a ten-foot radius of you.

This bothered you a little at first. Being the center of attention, especially this kind of attention, was never fun to anybody. But by the end of the day, rather than being disheartened by it, you were just exhausted. Finally, the last class of the day had arrived; the one you had been dreading since the moment your alarm went off that morning - Magical Potions.

Beel shifted from foot to foot as the two of you lingered in the entrance. "Do you really have to go to this class? You could just skip and come get some snacks with me instead." You smiled sympathetically at Beel and patted his shoulder. "Sorry, Beel. Diavolo expects good things from his exchange students. I need to keep my grades high, or who knows what Lucifer will do as punishment." The redhead pouted. "Lucifer would understand, I think. All things considered." You snorted and began to walk into the classroom. "Go to your own class, Beel. You can come to get me afterwards, and walk me home with Mammon if you really want."

Beelzebub mumbled to himself, before turning and finally walking off. You entered the class, ignoring the few gasps and gaping stares that you got as you walked through the room, and took your seat. You had been setting up for another class of note-taking when the door opened once more. Standing in the doorway, staring at you with wide eyes, was Cane. The moment your eyes met, the shocked expression on his face instantly dissipated and he flashed you a charming smile. You could feel a bubble of annoyance and anger begin to rise within you. The cocky demon swaggered over and plopped down into his seat beside you. "Hey, there Dare Devil. You didn't get in too much trouble last night with the big bad Avatars did you?" as he spoke he draped an arm on the back of your chair.

You eyed his exposed wrist and pushed his arm off of your chair. It seemed not even the obvious scenting that was supposed to tell him to back off would get him to take a hint. "No, I didn't. Though they did tell me a few interesting things last night." Cane chuckled and leaned into his palm as he smirked at you. "I'm assuming it has something to do with the reason why you smell like hell-incarnate?"

You scoffed and narrowed your eyes at him. "I'm sure you'd rather I smell like you. Considering you apparently did your best to make that happen yesterday." Cane tensed for a moment, and you could practically see the gears turning in his head. Eventually, his expression fell into one of confusion as he frowned at you. "Are you talking about how I scented you? MC, do you really think I would do something like that without a good reason?" The frustration in you began to grow and grow inside you; somewhere across the school grounds, Satan sneezed. You weren't in the mood to have this talk now, and very much wished that your professor would hurry up and start the god damn class already. "I don't know you Cane. How am I supposed to know whether or not that's something you would do?" That stupid smug look on his face returned once more and you had to resist the urge to slap it off of him. "You seemed to know me well enough to go out with me yesterday. You didn't seem worried about whether or not I was too much of a stranger when we were dancing at the club and walking downtown late at night, where anything could've happened to a small little human like you," he chuckled as your face scrunched up in annoyance and leaned back into his chair. "I didn't scent you for any perverted reasons. I did it to keep you safe while we were out. I knew if you had my scent on you, you'd be less likely to get attacked, and I was right," he sheepishly scratched the back of his neck. "Admittedly, I should've asked first, and that's on me. But I really just wanted to make sure that my new friend didn't get hurt." He was lying. He had to be. If that asshole seriously thought you were stupid enough to buy that lame excuse, he was extremely wrong. You opened your mouth to tell him as much but were interrupted by a familiar deep voice clearing their throat behind you. "That is the worse excuse I've ever heard, and I live with Mammon." Cane stiffened in front of you before he looked up to meet the glaring eyes of Lucifer, and smiled. "Lord Lucifer, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. I would never lie, especially not to a friend like MC." The classroom seemed to be on the edge of their seats as everyone quickly picked up on the showdown that was happening right in front of them. One lower demon of gluttony even pulled out a bag of popcorn. Lucifer tsked and crossed his arms over his chest. "Do not insult mine and MC's intelligence like that. Sure scenting can be helpful to ward off other demons, but only if the scent is associated with a more powerful demon. Nobody would blink an eye at anything coated in your weak, disgusting scent." Cane scoffed and tilted his head. "Evidently you did last night. Don't think I didn't notice you and your brother's reactions." This gained a few gasps from your classmates. No one could believe that someone, that wasn't his brothers, was actually trying to stand up against Lucifer. The idea itself was insane. Even seeing it in front of their own eyes, most could hardly believe it, yourself included. Lucifer maintained his indifferent expression and raised an eyebrow at Cane. "You mistook our irritation and disbelief that someone would be so stupid as to even attempt scenting our charge for being even the slightest bit phased by you," he took a step closer to Cane, bending down to be eye level with him. "You should consider yourself lucky it was Asmodeus and myself that got to the two of you first. Should it have been one of my more reckless brothers, you would've been nothing but a pile of ribbons in our driveway," Lucifer's eyes gleamed with satisfaction as Cane gulped and took a step back. The Morningstar grinned dangerously. "MC is our charge. They are our family and our responsibility. Unlike you, we actually got their permission to be scented and bonded to them last night; meaning my brothers are more protective than ever. I would never stoop so low as to waste my energy on a pitiful excuse for a demon-like yourself. But I know for a fact, that Beelzebub eats demons like you as a snack on

days when he is particularly famished. Satan occasionally brings one home for his latest experiments. Belphegor has torn through an entire percentage of them when he hasn't gotten enough sleep. Asmodeus is surprisingly prone to temper tantrums and fits of jealousy. Leviathan drowns anyone that disrespects the things that he loves. And Mammon doesn't take too kindly to people touching things that he considers his." Cane's hands balled into fists, but even then, the tremble in them was still glaringly obvious. Lucifer remained unphased and unmoved by the reactions he was pulling from his victim; though anyone could sense the air of utter glee that was exuding off of him. "If I were you, Cane, I would sleep with one eye open." The teacher finally walked in and raised an eyebrow at the scene in front of them. "Lord Lucifer, is there a reason you are harassing my student?" Cane whimpered as Lucifer smirked at him before standing straight and turning to the teacher. "Not at all, professor. I am actually here to inform you that MC will no longer be enrolled in this class." You whipped your head up to look at him as he placed a hand on your shoulder. "The student council has realized it would be a much better decision to have the exchange students more knowledgable to the ways and customs of demons during their visit here, so MC will be enrolled in Devildom Culture Studies instead. We wouldn't want someone to take advantage of them just because they were taught our ways, now would we?" The last line was spoken coldly and pointedly as though to drive in his threats to Cane. The teacher sighed but seemed to know that there was no point arguing and instructed you to gather your things. You did so happily and quickly. As you left the classroom and walked through your halls with Lucifer, you bumped him gently with your hip. "Thanks, Lucifer. You really are the best." His chest puffed up the slightest bit in pride as he continued walking forward with his hand still on your shoulder. "There is nothing to thank me for MC. I was just doing my duty as Vice-President of the student council to ensure that the exchange students are happy and safe." But even as he said the words, you knew that wasn't the case. You were MC. The human that wormed their way into the hearts of the seven strongest demons in the Devildom. For that reason alone, you were untouchable to all others, and Lucifer and his brothers would ensure that for as long as they breathed. And whoever disagreed would have to be ready to face the consequences.

TAGLIST: @henry-and-the-seven-lords

@hopefulann

@vampwiire

@bunna-does-stuff

@obey-mes-treasure

@obeythebutler

[shijiujun]

on the danmei twitter fight

okay guys i didn’t wanna say anything about this and yes it’s that hot danmei twitter translations saga thing that’s going on, because honestly i feel like there’s nothing much to say but when i see dumb posts on tumblr taking about that, by people who present a misleading hot take and their friends or moots run off with it without even knowing what exactly is going on - it really pisses me off.

and also if you shit talk translators for not continuing their translations or locking their translations whatever - the door is that way on your right and left, but anyway here’s a rundown on what happened because i am seeing people make comments without two brain cells put together, without the slightest bit of consideration for the people who bring them translations

here’s my hot take and thesis: if you enjoy english translations made by fan translators, you don’t, in any way, no matter happens, shit talk fan translators. fan translators do this for free, and whatever their intentions are, whether genuine sharing or like some of you like to say, for clout, if you consume, and you enjoy these translations, i’m sorry, you’re not uninvolved, and you don’t get to sit on a high horse and say translators should or shouldn’t do something. you should just keep quiet, honestly, because someone else is doing you a favour, a favour that you are enjoying and taking. that’s what respect is.

i’m presenting both sides or i guess three sides of the story as objectively as i can, altho my support is still for fan translators who were just minding their own business before this blew up.

===

🔺 what happened:

so it started because one of the bigger translators in the fandom did this poll - i’m not blaming her at all, i doubt she had any intentions of shaming anyone or causing any controversy and was plain curious, but her poll asked english speaking danmei twitter how many people buy the digital, print copies of the danmei they read, and who did not. 

in my honest opinion, it’s not strange at all for her to have created that poll, considering just how much work she’s put into making sure things are accessible for the eng-speaking danmei fandom. i mean i’d be curious too, to know out of my thousands of readers, what the reading and buying behaviour is like. do yourself a favour and don’t read too much into it.

obviously in an era where a lot of people do consume content for free whether the underlying content is profit-making (like anime, donghua, manhua, manga etc.) or not (fanfiction etc.), it was unsurprising to see that the last option - the ones who consume danmei without paying a single cent, came out as the majority. i don’t think this is a surprising result at all, for all sorts of reasons that i will not get into now.

anyway, this is obviously kind of a sore point in the fandom especially for translators who want a wider audience to support their fave author’s works - i won’t get into that for now, but the issue began because other translators or fans started to criticize the majority of people who don’t pay for objectively rather affordable danmei and just consume things for free. 

and yes, i don’t deny that the argument on both sides got really heated and emotionally charged with both sides calling each other names which i believe is uncalled for, but it totally derailed the crux of the issue, which basically is that the majority of english-speaking danmei fandom - consumes danmei for free.

anyway this whole thing escalated and fan translators were brought into this for no fucking reason at all except that the people who didn’t want, or were unable to pay for the danmei they usually consume, made what i call a LOGICAL FALLACY in argument by going to the extremes, i will explain why later.

the end result is that fan translators were brought into this (most of them, the bigger ones i know at least) without even participating in the direct crossfire. and obviously, you can see why they’re hurt and decided to lock their translations. let me explain why

===

🔺 kind of like four camps:

(1) translators and fans who criticized those who consume danmei liberally but do not pay for them in any way - no merch, no digital copies, no physical copies, no audio dramas whatever

*** their arguments:

danmei is so cheap right, that technically people should be able to pay for it in one way or another, even if not all

danmei and its authors are, at the end of the day, out here to earn a living, and the industry, like any money-making industry, is a for-profit enterprise - and unlike public goods, if you cannot afford danmei, then there is no obligation for others to make it free for you (fan translators or otherwise, it wasn’t super clearly stated while this shitshow happened) when it is inherently a for-profit industry

yes, i don’t deny that some of them did call the peeps who don’t pay at all, “leeches” and other sort of names. personally, i wouldn’t go that far or even like venture there to be honest because in general, if it’s something that i’ll get punched in the face for if i called someone that in real life i tend not to do it, but i’ll leave my opinions, whatever they’re worth, for later

(2) the readers and fans of danmei who do not pay in any sort of way for them

*** their arguments:

some of them really cannot afford, even the dollar or more, to spend on danmei for several reasons: upbringing, culture, money-spending mindsets, real poverty, struggling to make ends meet etc. - some definitely more valid than others (and when i say not valid, it’s because SOME, a minority or like those few stragglers, say they cannot afford and then you see them like idk, throwing $50 on other merch on kpop and stuff - i’m just bringing up ONE example. not shaming anyone for spending more money on one aspect rather than the other, but yeah you can see why some of them, when making this same argument, are a little invalid, that’s just a small number of them tho)

if translators are blaming them for consuming free of charge, then the fault lies, at its foundation, fan translators who translate illegally, which i mean, in that definition, all of them including me 

did i mention that we were called illegal translators like you know in response to being called leeches? anyway-

(3) others translators who literally were just minding their own fucking business before some smart alec dragged them into it

i don’t think most of us had an argument. we were just quietly munching on popcorn and staying out of it and yeah, can you imagine, we provide a service, however illegal it is, for free on our own time, we don’t even check whether people support legally or not, we just... provide, and pray that those who are able to, at least support in some small way or another do so, on their own time. i mean i don’t check, most of us don’t, not the bouncers at your local club before COVID happened do, and then suddenly, to be used to derail an argument, we were called illegal translators. and that we should stop translating, and that it is our fault that there are free riders in the fandom

(4) people who offered to provide JJWXC credits to those who said they couldn’t afford it etc.

honestly i think they were just trying to help - no different than a gofundme. there’s no shame in taking a free thing that people already weren’t intending to pay for. it’s there, just take it!

===

🔺 the shitshow that led to fan translators locking their stuff up:

i would provide some actual examples in the form of screenshots but i’ve blocked most of them, and i don’t want to direct any sort of traffic to them so i guess you’ll have to take my word on it or go search on twitter yourself but-

(1) the affordability issue: i can understand the frustration at being called leeches, and some if not a majority of people, do have valid reasons for not being able to afford something or anything and end up pirating content they enjoy. hey, i am not about to crucify anyone for pirating at some point in their lives. we all have done it at some point, or for example hate disney+ and that $30 they were trying to rip off us for a subpar Mulan live action. i don’t have anything to say about that. inherently, is it wrong and illegal? yeah sure of course it is. do we call people leeches? i wouldn’t go that far.

if anyone cannot afford, cannot access for whatever reason, fine, i’m not gonna go check if jjwxc truly is banned in your country, or is your postal service so terrible that you definitely won’t be able to receive a hard copy of the book you like at affordable rates.

and if you have to pirate? go ahead. i mean it’s always been a rampant thing. the only thing fan translators and fans can do is encourage, motivate and incentivise as much as possible to get people to support legally. they can only put up REALLY COMPREHENSIVE guides as to how to access jjwxc or taobao or whatever. 

and if you still cannot afford it and pirate, honestly no one cares about the story behind it. you owe no one justification, just as how no other person is obligated to take it into consideration or understand you or empathize with you. i don’t say this in a malicious way - i do think that in general, you just do you. 

(2) the poor people don’t deserve nice things argument: honestly, this was not the point of this entire debacle, altho yes, people were rude to those who could not afford to support legally. but this is not the point of this whole thing.

main point - there are free riders who can support but choose not to because they choose to just consume it for free and if you are able to you should support

everyone going off on a tangent - you guys hate poor people / you guys are leeches

well guess what, no one wins in this argument. 

there were a lot of people saying “reading danmei is our only source of happiness, are you saying poor people who can’t access legally don’t deserve to read danmei” (this is just one example i’ve seen, there are other variations), and it wasn’t put across perhaps in the right way, but the other camp of people were saying “you’re not entitled to it for free if you cannot afford it”, which raised a lot of hackles and anti-poor yellings 

altho i do not deny that there are those who mean it maliciously, i think what everyone is trying to say is - the danmei industry, like any other profit-making industry, is looking to make profits. the people working in the industry, the authors even, are looking at numbers - traffic to jjwxc or other legal platforms, how much revenue they’re making from their live actions etc., comments, rankings, etc. i think @/hunxi-after-hours made a really succinct post on this aspect which yall should read.

it’s the same as - if you wanted to purchase a standee which costs $20 USD, but you cannot afford it = you don’t get it. there’s no way you can get this standee unless some gifts it to you for free. what the camp trying to ask people to support legally is saying, is that danmei is NOT A PUBLIC GOOD. it is a private, for-profit product. it might be intangible, but it is a PRODUCT that has a price that needs to be paid.

if you cannot afford it, you either don’t get access entirely (i’m saying this objectively and honestly from an economic standpoint). if someone gifts that standee to you for free, count yourself lucky - if someone makes a danmei accessible to you for free, COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY. you don’t have to be grateful and treat them as gods or like obey their every word, but it’s not rocket science. someone did you a favour that you accepted and consumed, show some respect. 

if you cannot afford to buy the standee - you do not go on twitter demanding that someone ensures that you have access to the standee for free. do you see how ridiculous this sounds once it’s a tangible product? and danmei novels ARE PRODUCTS. they are not FREE CONTENT. if someone cannot afford the standee, this is the equivalent of people going “we didn’t get the standee for free because poor people don’t deserve nice things”

totally missing the point. i don’t even know how it got to this. once again, i do admit that some users were unnecessarily mean, but going to the extreme of this is ridiculous. in argumentative essay writing we call this a logical fallacy:

e.g. “if you cannot pay for merchandise or danmei, it is a fact that you might not have access to it” morphing into “if we cannot pay for food, does this mean we cannot have access to it?!” - this is a slippery slope, and factors are not equivalent!!!! do they not teach people anything in school

don’t confuse fanfiction with danmei - danmei novels ARE PAID PRODUCTS unless for free chapters, just because it’s released online doesn’t mean it’s free public property, and also selected novels (did you guys know the WHOLE of SCI novel is free? about 500 chapters sorry, random, just a tidbit)

there are of course nuances right, like if anyone told me they were pirating disney+ content i’d be like yeah hey get one over those bloodsuckers, they take enough of our money and produce shit content anyway. the difference is that danmei authors, and the danmei industry itself can still be considered a nascent and not-yet matured industry, with a majority of authors if not all, depending on monetary flow, likes, comments, virality on the sites their content is hosted on, for a living, unlike hugeass MNCs trying to squeeze us dry for content that isn’t even interesting.

danmei is priced rather reasonably - and this brings me to another argument that was made, that the value of money is not the same for everyone. i don’t want to make comments on this because yes this is correct to a large extent. a $6 book might be cheap to most of us, but might be expensive to someone else. i’m not gonna comment on how cheap or whatever it is, if you gotta use your money for other things, definitely! i still maintain however, that a novel less than a dollar should be affordable to most people, a majority of people. and i definitely side eye some users who obviously have money but are just creating noise because they wanna continue free-riding

(4) the “they’re losing out on their international audience” argument: honestly, i feel like english-speaking danmei fandom gives themselves a bit too much credit. danmei has long thrived in china in its domestic market - sure the international audience is a plus to have and i’m sure the authors are grateful and flattered that people who don’t understand chinese love their content and love it a lot, but do they and their companies care about fans who basically don’t bring in money? i’m not sure (okay i’ll get to the fan translators doing illegal shit later okay i got it don’t be impatient)

and international fans are great, i don’t deny that - but when i see arguments like “oh but it’s their loss if they don’t cater or deny access to us, they get more popularity and sharing overseas”, i honestly think they don’t care as much as you think. once again, hunxi made a really good argument regarding non-sinophone audiences, but it really irks me, because this is the same as:

an instagram influencer saying they’ll give a restaurant exposure for free to their followers, if they get a free meal

it’s par for par - danmei authors wants earnings, popularity, tangible results that show that they are succeeding. this is life. if i put something out there for sale, i better be getting returns, simple economic logic. they probably don’t care that a non-paying reader is bringing them greater ‘exposure’ - once again, i mean this objectively. 

and yes if they’re thriving without the international market then why should it matter that people are pirating right? which brings me to the next point~

(5) it’s fan translators faults for so many people pirating, and fan translators are the ones doing the “illegal” work: this one is like... wow where do i unpack this and how-

firstly, we are talking about assholes who can pay but decide to free ride and not pay for danmei, and we assume that if you really cannot afford and have to pirate, no one’s saying anything as long as you don’t go around spreading how to pirate, how the hell did it get to fan translators from “you guys are anti-poor” and whatever

yes, fan translations are indeed illegal, i don’t deny that, and i also don’t deny that there are translators who translate for clout and popularity but putting these aside - here’s what i have seen from people who ran their mouths and made this argument

“if you guys care about us pirating the book so much than fan translators shouldn’t have translated in the first place” and “if you wanna come after us for reading illegally, then fan translators, you guys should go get the copyright for the book and then translate it cuz what you guys are doing is also illegal”

hooooo i’m telling ya, i am all for translators locking up their translations at this point. see how fucking hurtful that is? you eat from my hand and then now you biting at the hand that fed you the gays in love?

honestly if you’ve made this argument or supported this, you can basically go to hell. yes this is personal because what, you think fan translators don’t take out their personal time and effort and hard work to make translations accessible to you? if you’re ever consumed and read translations, don’t be a hypocrite and make this argument. you benefitted from it, now you wanna say it’s their fault? 

most translators want to share and spread the love they have for a novel right, want to show you how wonderful all these authors are, how much enjoyment u get from reading these wonderfully thought out stories of gays in love. yes we all know we are illegally translating, which is why on top of sharing we first, purchase the novels legally ourselves first, and then we try to encourage people to buy etc. and actually put their money to use. it doesn’t make it any less illegal, but we are bridging the gap between danmei and basically the english-speaking fandom, albeit illegally

we aren’t that self-important to ask for gratefulness but some respect would be nice. like i said, you read it, you consumed it, you enjoyed it, you can only access it because of illegal translators - a bit counter-intuitive to yell at these translators, who are simply telling you, if you can, please support. and none of us went “if you cannot afford, begone!”

===

🔺 some people tried to help by offering jjwxc credits so people who cannot afford as they say, can get legal access: honestly, just take it right, guess what some of these users did in response

they said the people giving away credits are trying to redeem themselves for their comments by giving away free stuff

they also said that we are trying to shame the people who cannot afford it with this handout to them, to show that they are the bigger person - the fact that they think this is a handout to them is TELLING. the people offering this is giving their money not to these readers, but to the authors! that’s the point of this exercise!!!

one of them even said “instead of trying to do these giveaways, here, there are greater world problems out there, donate instead to these causes” - love the initiative, but how did we get from being able to afford danmei and entertainment content to saving the world? i just- i cannot

===

🔺 so why i get why fan translators are locking up their translations, because wow, so hurtful:

you have no idea how many fucking assholes went “sure, lock up your translations, deal with the consequences” - ermmmm firstly, thanks for making a threat. like who the fuck do you think you are?

the consequences is... the authors still don’t get the money these free riders weren’t going to give them anyway, so no loss, and they weren’t reading on jjwxc anyway so you know, the authors don’t lose or gain any readership numbers or traffic they didn’t already have. instead, it WILL push and force people to pay for the PRODUCT. once again, it’s a product.

this works, and i’d say Word of Honor’s payment model worked marvellously for Youku, because they fucking forced everyone to pay to access content. ALL OF THEM. sure ok some people still pirated it, but how many MORE people paid on Youku, on Youku Youtube, watched on Viki etc. than if they didn’t? even english-speaking fandom were wracking their brains trying to purchase a Youku pass even if there were no subs initially - and other examples that lovely hunxi brought up in her amazing piece

and for translators?! honestly me for one, i’m glad i don’t feel pressured anymore to churn out a chapter every week since we get called names etc. most of us are glad to have a break to be honest. we’ve lost all motivation to translate because it’s a free service, at the very least we don’t expect like hate, or rudeass fuckers. for those who are doing a proof of purchase thing - go for it honestly! 

hopefully it’ll minimize the free rider problem - some people for whatever reasons really cannot buy or support legally, that’s totally cool and they don’t have to justify it, i get that. but for others making the same argument but obviously are just unwilling to pay because they can’t read chinese, think it’s too troublesome when there are guides and translators provide it for free anyway so what’s the point - we all make concessions and make decisions to grab what we like (not talking about the ppl who have their various troubles and difficulties!)

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🔺 and those who are saying why is it the ‘rest of us suffer’ from locked translations just because of a few bad apples:

IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU. where the hell were all of ya when we were getting called illegal huh? it’s about us fan translators getting shot at for no reason, and then people still demanding things for free. i don’t see any of the people i’ve seen on tumblr complain about fan translators stopping or locking translations defend any of us in any way. instead, you’re complaining.

it is the translator’s prerogative to start, stop and end translations, unless of course the original author starts to sue i suppose. i see people on tumblr going like if they were gonna do this, they shouldn’t have started in the first place etc. - i don’t what world you live in, but when i do something for free, then get called names and am attacked or get dictated on how i should do something that’s already like free, i tend to be less generous.

i’m sorry, do us illegal and free translators owe ANY OF YOU? i wasn’t aware any of us were being paid for this hobby. readers, especially those who CAN and just refuse to support, don’t get to say SHIT. translators deal with so much shit and so many entitled readers, i say they get to lock whatever they want as long as they aren’t profiting off of this monetarily.

let me give you an example - nan chan, which is translated by lian yin, completed translations by the way for all chapters. it is all free for viewing, and she only locked up one extra and asked for proof of payment. some dumbfuck quotes that locked up extra chapter tweet and said “honestly, this turned me off reading this novel because they restricted access”.

the. fucking. entitlement. the whole of nan chan is free, that’s like what more than 80 chapters. she locked up the EXTRA and the money goes to the author, she doesn’t earn anything. AND HERE THAT BIJ is (yes, i’m going to call them names because you know, fucking asshole who didn’t bother to check) going “yeah i didn’t wanna read because 1/80+ chapters were locked”. 

AN EXTRA. LITERALLY AN EXTRA!!!!!!

at the end of the day, translators are not like DYING to translate, not like some of you are DYING to read the translations. once again, this isn’t a “BE GRATEFUL” message, it’s a please be respectful to the people who put in time and hard work for free and share the goodness ya know? what’s the use of yelling at fan translators as if we owe you anything?

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🔴🔴🔴 TOO LONG DIDN’T READ 🔴🔴🔴

some people may need really need to pirate - and no one needs to justify why they cannot afford to purchase etc. pirating happens all the time, translators only hope that when you can, and in whatever way you can, to support legally - in general we don’t ask and we get it! we’re just annoyed that some people think that it SHOULD BE FREE, when it is a paid product, especially for those who CAN afford it

readers are not entitled to shit on translators for what they do with their translations - once again, you’re not OBLIGATED to have it. so what if i start and stop? i’m the one doing the work, i get the only say. don’t be a hypocrite and shit on translators, whose works you’ve read - it’s no loss for translators, we read and enjoy danmei just fine

yes, fan translations are illegal, but you can’t read and enjoy them like some of you have, and then turn around and point the finger at translators - a lot of us are happy to stop translating - this isn’t a threat, but at the end of the day, shitting on translators simply decreases access, and sure, some people can indeed live with you know, MTL or shitty translations from people who’ve learnt chinese for only six months or whatever, but you’re gonna be reading an entirely different book tbh

the people saying illegal translators are at fault - funnily enough, most of them consume the translations, so what the fuck? i mean we know it’s illegal, we’re trying to share the love and trying to minimize the illegalities of it by redirecting people to hopefully support legally. it’s still illegal yes, but i think it’s hypocritical for people who have read translations, stab translators in the back. and now that translators are indeed ‘restricting’ and ‘removing’ their ‘illegal translations’, yall yelling again? and threatening?

fan translators aren’t “elitist” or “classist” - just looking for some respect in a community which seems to have taken them for granted, and also looking for support for their fave authors - and honestly a lot of us were caught in the crossfires truly, don’t be an asshole and demand things from fan translators - who are you talking about? do you know why they decided to lock? do you know know what their locking system is like and what for? 

it’s not EASY to lock the translations up - it’s more admin work, it’s putting together a whitelist of people, if given the choice i’m sure translators would prefer to share everything. but not when there are assholes who have a comment on how they should translate etc. and yeah!!! calling us illegal!! i mean we are but still!!

the last straw was seeing that post on tumblr and people in the comments going like fan translators shouldn’t or should do something, without getting the whole picture, without even considering how hard it is for fan translators being caught in this situation. 

whoever puts in the work gets to decide, and everyone else should leave them alone. 

be nice to the people who really cannot afford as they say so (or just don’t think about it), be nice to the translators feeding you content, and the people who free ride and shit on translators - honestly, i’d say ready the pitchforks.

edit: i forgot to mention this is my hot take and i’ve tried to like present all the arguments i’ve seen so far. i’m definitely not doing all of it justice and i don’t claim to speak on behalf of any of them except maybe one or two- and i’ve definitely left out stuff, but anyway, lmao we’re just tiny people doing what we love. i wish we could solve you know inequality or poverty or hunger or other pressing concerns. if i was that great i wouldn’t be stuck on tumblr or twitter or have to make posts like these like a loser.

thanks for coming to my ted talk.