#my meds were supposed to keep me stable

[jedi-hawkins]

Shockpack

Word count: 2.9k

A/N: This is an edit/repost of the original I made a while back.

Warnings: WHUMP, Cardiac arrest, CPR, AED usage, broken ribs, medical terminology, Crosshair is a bit of a bitch

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

Disclaimer: Though this is fairly accurate to the correct process of CPR, please do not use this as educational material or attempt to perform CPR if you have not been trained how to do it. In an emergency always call 911 (US) or the appropriate number for your country/region.

While on standby for their next mission, some drastic measures may start leading to a new connection.

"Hunter, that needs to be more to the left."

Hunter brings his head back out of the engineering bay he and Tech are working on. Both brothers have removed their upper armor to make it easier to reach into the tight spots. "Tech, why did you ask for my help if you're just going to correct everything I do?"

"Because, I need an extra set of hands, Hunter. The General is busy working and you sent Crosshair and Wrecker out for supplies."

Bryn chuckles at the two arguing brothers before turning back to the holomap in front of her.

"Well if you keep telling me what to do, then you'll have to grow the extra set of hands yourself." Hunter snaps back.

Tech sighs. "I'm just saying, if that component is not at the optimal angle, then it may not remain stable-"

"It's attached to the ship, Tech. What's next?"

Footsteps signal the return of Crosshair and Wrecker, the latter sets down two large crates as his brother hefts two packs from his shoulders.

"The med supplies are in here, General." Wrecker says, pointing to one of the large crates.

Bryn smiles, "Thanks, Wrecker. You guys get everything else?"

"Apparently ration packs for this sector are in short supply, so bars will have to do." Crosshair says. "Much to Wrecker's disappointment."

His brother grumbles in response as a few metal clanks and choice curses from Hunter float over from the side of the Marauder.

"That sounds fun." Crosshair says, placing a toothpick in his mouth.

Bryn rolls her eyes. "Yeah, I think Hunter is getting close to strangling Tech with one of the exhaust hoses."

Wrecker chuckles. "Heh, there's the quick way and the Tech way."

"What's the word?" Crosshair asks.

Bryn shrugs, "Command sent high praises for our work in our first month on active duty, but nothing on a new assignment. They'll let us know where they want us soon."

Wrecker looks over Bryn's shoulder. "Whatcha working on?"

"Well I'm supposed to be finishing the mission report for our work on Lutrilla, but instead I'm working on this for Obi-wan." Bryn replies.

"General Kenobi?" Crosshair's interest is piqued and he moves to stand on Bryn's other side.

"Yeah, long time friend of mine." Bryn mumbles. "He's currently stationed on Ques and the terrain is giving them some trouble in clearing out the Separatists. I'm trying to see if I can come up with something to help."

The sniper's lip curls, "Do that a lot? Help Kenobi?"

Bryn hums, turning the map. "We help each other. We came up together in the Order, he's a good man, and a better leader."

"High praises coming from you, I'm sure." Crosshair says, though not without a hint of sarcasm.

"What's their issue with the terrain?" Wrecker says, standing on the other side of the table.

Bryn points to a section on the map. "The Seppies have taken this canyon as their central point of operation. Their base is halfway between the north and south entrances and they have battalions on the high ground posted along both the east and west rims. It's basically impossible to get down to their base. What do you two think?"

Wrecker brings his hand to his chin in thought. "Ques you said? That system has a network of catacombs going through its ridges. They were drainage and aqueducts for some ancient civilization there, pretty much abandoned now. It'd be a risk, but if they could find a way to get into the tunnels outside of the Seppie's sights, a few carefully placed detonations, and they should be able to blow straight through the canyon wall right outside the main base."

"That could work." Crosshair agrees. "If they make enough noise when they storm the base, they could draw the forces off the rims and into the canyon, making way for a second wave of Republic air support to claim the high ground."

Bryn smiles at her teammates, "That sounds perfect. Obi-wan has the special forces that could handle the catacombs and the numbers to take the ridges. Where did you hear about those tunnels, Wrecker?"

He just shrugs. "I was reading up on the history of some antique weapon classes and came across some records about them."

Before anyone can say anything else, a large bang comes from the Marauder. Bryn, Wrecker and Crosshair run over to see Hunter is lying on his back, eyes closed, and Tech is shaking his brother's arm.

"Tech what happened!?" Bryn shouts, sliding to a stop on her knees at Hunter's shoulder.

"I-I don't know General. I told him that component could become unstable at the wrong angle."

Her gaze follows Tech's finger that's pointing to a small metal part lying a few feet away from Hunter.

Bryn's eyes widen and she elbows Tech out of the way, nearly causing him to fall over. "Move." She leans her cheek close to Hunter's face and places two fingers on his neck.

"It happened so quickly, but I think it hit him. At first he seemed okay, but then he just collapsed." Tech stammers out.

Wrecker's brow furrows as he watches the Jedi move to her hands and knees, locking her fingers together and positioning the heel of her hand over Hunter's sternum. "What are you-"

"Hunter's heart isn't beating. Shockpack in the med bay. Bright orange. Go." Bryn says.

Wrecker disappears as Bryn starts leaning all her weight onto her Sergeant's chest in rhythm. Crosshair can hear her muttering under her breath.

"fifteen... sixteen... seventeen..."

Wrecker returns with the case and sets it down at Hunter's side opposite Bryn. "Now what?" he asks.

Bryn stops pressing on Hunter's chest and pulls a vibroblade from its sheath on her thigh, sliding it through the front of the Sergeant's upper blacks. She immediately goes back to thrusting her hands into Hunter's chest. "Open the case. Put the pads on his chest like the picture and turn it on. Work around me." She says, her breath starting to become labored.

All the brothers freeze when Bryn suddenly leans down and presses her lips to Hunter's. The General is kissing their ori’vod.

After a couple seconds Bryn straightens back up and goes back to pushing into Hunter's chest. When she notices the squad frozen around her she barks at them, "I gave you an order!"

Her voice shakes Crosshair and Wrecker form their daze and they quickly work together to follow her instructions. They peel the backing off the sticky shock pads and press them to Hunter's chest. Wrecker presses the green 'on' button and a smooth voice comes from the shock pack.

'Device on. Pads attached. Analyzing heart rhythm. Do not touch the patient.'

Bryn stops her movements and holds her arms out to keep the brothers back.

'Shock advised.'

'Do not touch the patient. Deliver shock.'

Bryn reaches across Hunter and presses a big flashing button on the shockpack and Hunter's body jolts with electricity.

'Continue Compressions.'

Bryn immediately jumps back to Hunter's chest, sweat beginning to bead on her forehead. "Come on, Hunter. Come on." She mutters under her breath.

A few sickening cracks come from the Sergeant's chest and Tech adjusts his goggles. "It appears you have broken his ribs."

Crosshair balls up his fists. "She just broke his what?"

Tech peers over her shoulder. "Are you sure-"

"Of course. I'm sure." Bryn snaps as she continues pressing on Hunter's chest.

Crosshair reaches out and wraps his hand around one of her wrists, trying to stop her motions. "Do you really think I'm going to let you keep doing that?"

"Crosshair, please." She huffs, continuing against his tightening grip.

"How do we know you actually know what the hell you're doing-"

"How dare you. I'm trying to save him. You have to trust me." Her eyes flash with fire, making him release her.

She leans down and presses her lips to Hunter's again. The brothers look on helplessly as their General returns to compressing Hunter's chest.

After a mother minute, the eerily calm voice speaks from the shockpack again.

‘Analyzing heart rhythm. Do not touch the patient.’

Bryn holds her arms out over Hunter, waiting for the device.

'Shock advised.'

'Do not touch the patient. Deliver shock.'

This time, Tech reaches down and presses the flashing button on the orange device and Hunter's body jolts once more.

'Continue Compressions.'

Strands of hair fall into her face as Bryn braces against Hunter again. After she presses her lips to his once more she starts muttering under her breath.

"Come on Hunter. Breathe. Come back." Bryn feels a pull in the Force and she reaches out for it, pushing it through her palms into her Sergeant.

A tear falls from her face and hits Hunter's cheek. Suddenly, he takes a gasping breath, his eyes flying open. His brothers immediately lurch forward to be closer as Bryn takes her hands off him and leans back on her heels.

Hunter's eyes move frantically around him to get oriented. "Wh-what?"

He tries to sit up but Bryn presses a gentle hand to his shoulder to keep him laying flat. She shushes him gently, "It's okay, you're okay. Just lay still for a second."

Hunter blinks. "What happened?"

Bryn gives him a weak smile. "Your heart stopped."

"That component that you fitted blew off the ship and struck you." Tech remarks. "What I don't understand is how it caused this."

Bryn strokes a few strands of Hunter's hair. She responds without moving her eyes from him. "Commotio cordis. When an object hits someone in the chest in just the right spot at just the right time in their heartbeat, it causes the heart to stop."

Wrecker's eyes widen. "That can happen?"

"It's rare, but yes." Bryn nods as she peels the shock pack pads off of Hunter.

"Oh so that’s what our chest plates are for." He says sarcastically.

A laugh escapes Bryn as she shakes her head. Hunter tries to sit up again but groans in pain and lays back down.

"I get my heart stopped, but it's working now. Does someone want to tell me why my chest hurts so bad?" He moans.

"The General broke your ribs." Tech says simply.

Hunter looks back at Bryn who gives him an apologetic face. "Broken ribs or death. Those were your options." She simply replies. "Bacta patches should be on the ship. Do you think you can get up or do you want us to bring one to you?"

Hunter shakes his head. "No, I'm good. I can get up."

Bryn offers Hunter her hand and supports his back with the other as he gingerly sits up. Another groan passes his lips as he stands with additional help from Tech. The perma-bunk in the Marauder's med bay creaks slightly as Bryn and Tech sit him down on it, leaning him back on pillows.

"I'll leave you to it, General." Tech says.

As the door slides closed behind him, Bryn moves over to the med cabinet and pulls out the bin of bacta patches. After fishing out the correct size, she turns around to Hunter who's watching her intently.

The bunk creaks again as Bryn sits down on its edge. She peels the backing off the patch and gently presses it over the center of Hunter's chest where she felt his ribs break. Hunter hisses at the pressure.

"I know, I'm sorry." Bryn says, tossing the patch wrapper in the trash bin.

Hunter shakes his head. "Don't apologize. You saved my life."

Bryn gives him a smile as she reaches over to grab some trauma scissors off the counter. "These blacks are spent, I'm assuming you don't want them?" She says, gesturing to his cut upper blacks, revealing the continuation of his skull tattoo.

He laughs, "I don't know. This could be my new look."

Bryn rolls her eyes again as she cuts up each sleeve, allowing the fabric to fall from Hunter's figure. He leans forward with a grimace to allow Bryn to pull the shirt out from behind him.

"You're going to need to rest for a bit before you're back on your feet. With the bacta, a couple hours should be enough." Bryn says, standing up from the bunk. "Here, I can take your armor off to make you more comfortable."

Hunter nods his consent and Bryn gently slides his feet out of his boots and undoes the fastenings on his lower armor pieces, shifting him gently to remove them. In just his lower blacks, he settles into the medbunk, looking much more content. Bryn turns to leave the med bay, but Hunter grasps her wrist.

"Stay?" He asks, pleading with wide eyes.

His demeanor shocks Bryn for a moment, but the look on Hunter's face draws her back to the medbunk. Slowly, she sits back down on the bunk and scoots in next to Hunter. He turns his body to curl into her and rests his head on her chest, breathing in her sweet woody scent.

Bryn can feel his energy swirling, it's tense, jittery. "It's okay." She mutters.

"I've never heard of anything like that happening before."

Although Hunter put up a front of strength for his brothers, it is quickly slipping in Bryn's calming presence. She bites her lip as the miniscule tremble in Hunter's voice reminds her how little of the galaxy the clones have seen.

Bryn's arm wraps around his back. "I know that was scary."

It's barely noticeable when Hunter nods his head. "Different from battle. If you hadn't..."

She gently shushes him. "I've got you, just rest."

Hunter's breathing slows into little puffs of air as Bryn absentmindedly plays with his soft curls. He stirs for a second and mumbles something she can't quite hear.

"What was that?" She asks.

Hunter lets out a little huff of air. "Tech is never going to let this go."

Bryn laughs lightly, and rests her chin on the top of his head. "Next time, I'll work on the ship with Tech."

The door to the medbay whooshes closed behind Bryn as she steps into the Marauder's hallway and straight into an armored figure.

"Wha- Crosshair." She says.

The sniper's lip curls at her. "Break anything else?"

Bryn shakes her head. "He just got to sleep, can we at least do this outside?"

Crosshair looks her up and down and turns to leave the Marauder without another word. Sighing, Bryn follows after.

Their boots crunch in the dirt as Crosshair stomps down a trail towards the nearby river. When he reaches the banks, he turns around to face the Jedi behind him. Bryn stands with her arms crossed. "Well, go ahead."

"Go ahead with what?" Crosshair sneers.

Bryn drops her arms, resting a hand on her belt. "You obviously have some choice words you want to say to me. I thought we were past this, Crosshair."

His temple twitches as he clenches his jaw. "We're taught to keep our opinions about superiors to ourselves." he spits out as if the words are poison.

Bryn's eyebrow twitches in amusement. "Well then, if that's how you want to do it." She shakes her head and straightens her posture to full attention. "I, Jedi Master Bryn-ayla del Caro, member of the Jedi High Council and General of the Galactic Army of the Republic, permit you, Clone Commando CT-9904, designation Crosshair, to speak freely without risk of penalty or court martial for misconduct or insubordination." She finishes in a mocking tone.

This just makes Crosshair roll his eyes as he starts stomping back and forth along the river bank. "Do you have to make a joke or positive spin out of everything?"

Bryn smirks. "Like you don't always have a remark? You're throwing stones from a glass house."

"Aurgh!" He growls out. "You're infuriating. Look at you, high and mighty Jedi Master, nothing can touch you, the galaxy is at your feet. And my brothers! My brothers falling in love with you instantly, I'm not so easily turned..."

Bryn takes a breath. "Crosshair... I've really been trying with you. I'm not forcing myself into your space, I'm giving you time to get used to me, letting you process. You're like a karking tooka, one day I think you're warming up to me, the next you can't stand the sight of me. What, do I need to leave out a saucer of blue milk for you?" 

The sniper's eyes are nearly glowing. "I am not some mindless animal for you to wrangle-"

"Of course not." Bryn cuts him off. "You're human, with thoughts and emotions all your own. It's not my job to wrangle you. My job is to protect you. You think I'm untouchable? I envy you, Crosshair. Your brothers are still alive, you got to grow up with them, know them for who they are. The closest thing I've had to a family is the Order and even then, they're not the most understanding bunch. The four brothers I had were taken before I got a chance to see who they had become. But I see you, Crosshair." 

His feet come to a stop under her gaze and he gets that feeling again, that she's looking through him. 

"You are so full of emotion, though you try to hide it." Bryn says, her voice calm. "The love you have for your brothers, the anger at the other clones for shunning you. Your worry that you won't be able to protect them. I haven't delved into your mind out of respect for your privacy, but I do get waves of what's overflowing from you. Your frustration with me. You've been treating me like I'm going to treat you as the rest of the galaxy has, but you're realizing that I'm different. That scares you, and you're resisting. You're resisting your desire to drop the act and accept me." 

Crosshair's shoulders drop as he finally lets some tension go. Bryn can see the words turning over in his head. What she said was true, they both know it. He opens his mouth to say something, but before he can, Bryn is knocked over by an unseen force.

Blinking from the impact with the ground, she sees Crosshair, draped in a heavy net, same as what hit her. He stops struggling against the net as his eyes set on something behind her.

"Well, well. What do we have here?” A voice sneers, dirt crunching under boots. “A trooper, and a Jedi. That should get us a nice score."

Another voice snickers. "Hondo will be pleased."

Bryn starts to retort, but the nets pinning her and Crosshair to the ground light with electricity, searing through their bodies before their vision goes black.

A/N: As I was doing the final formatting to post this chapter I was thinking. Why wouldn't the Batch know how to do CPR since they are trained in basic field medicine? I mean you could say the Kaminoans didn't think it was necessary training for them since they're not GAR Medics, or that the Clones are engineered to not have heart defects and their armor protects them, or their chest plates have AEDs inside them to detect a cardiac arrest and shock them automatically (because CPR doesn't really revive someone in cardiac arrest, an AED does. CPR just keeps the blood/oxygen circulating through their body long enough for the shock to work). But the longer I thought about it... It likely just wasn't taught because there were so many clones in the GAR, if one dropped from Cardiac Arrest, they'd just call it a KIA fatality or a 'defective' and move on, which then gave me the sads (wow what a surprise, an author giving themselves the sads with something they are wholly responsible for writing). The clones deserved so much better.

Taglist:

@callsign-denmark @arctrooper69 @anxiouspineapple99 @clonethirstingisreal @photogirl894

[lastoneout]

so the place I go for my therapy, psychiatry, and primary is kinda like a community outreach group thing that offers all that stuff and more, but like they are clearly oriented towards low-income people who are recovering addicts or disabled or unhoused or what have you, which is great! But like I think they must have placed me on some like "high support needs" list or something because I keep getting a call every single week from my case manager being like "hey haven't heard from you in a bit we're just checking in and seeing if you need any resources" even though I go there every couple of weeks for therapy and every 3 months for my med refills and stuff, and I'm like????

I feel bad because this is clearly something that would be super helpful for the right person, but I have stable housing and don't need a job and have just kinda been treating it like a normal clinic?? So I'm like....you guys don't have to call to check up on me this much. I'm okay. If I need something I'll tell you. And like they also call me all the time telling me I need to pick up my prescriptions because apparently my pharmacy calls them if I don't come within two days???? and asking if I need help getting them and I'm like "thank you but no I'm legit going tonight sorry that I'm busy sometimes???"

And the part of me that like hates being Told What To Do is getting her hackles up about this because it's nice and good and I'm sure it's very helpful and tbh if my living situation were different yeah I'd be down for this assistance but I don't need it and I don't appreciate being bothered so much!!! Like I legit almost asked the lady who called today how often I'm supposed to be checking in because I was under the impression I was doing everything correctly and I go there IN PERSON twice a month at the very least, so like???? Do you all just not know what to do with someone who doesn't need this kind of support??? Because again thanks but I feel like there are other people who need this more than I do that you could be spending your time on???

I don't even know how to ask them to stop calling me tho like I legit feel so rude even considering it but my other option is like find a different doctor which isn't realistic rn so????? I just feel like I'm being babied or something it's really irritating.

[nehirose]

like it would probably help if i ever actually talked about things anymore but see also: tired.

i've been out of work for a year. i was supposed to be able to take a break and then get back to it, but instead thing after thing that was more urgent priority and needed to be wrangled has happened. (this isn't isolated to me. by any stretch of the imagination.)

& the job hunt hasn't been great. the last interview i had was for mcdonalds and it went really well! but the gm was out of town and by the time they came back, the location had gotten more applicants. with prior experience. who got hired over me.

they still have the now hiring sign up. it was kind of a body blow to my ego but more importantly fed into the whole thing where -

i am struggling pretty hard with the recursive loop of untreated adhd making it like wading through hip deep cement to get anything - including and especially the things i desperately WANT to do and NEED to do to make any of this easier. get a job get insurance get meds. do paperwork get meds get job? - watch friends with more recent dx but usable insurance struggle to find providers get prescribed not just give up because they struggled their way into a stable place without help so what's even the point.

make art again. enjoy my hobbies again. which i have at least been actually functionally interested again?

partner has a good job and has been a godsend. we're much better off than we were a year and a few months ago, when i was the only one working. we consistently have rent covered, and money for food, the occasional action figure full of serotonin.

the schedule sucks (12 hour days dispersed out over a schedule that repeats every two weeks, rather than every week, and whether those 12 hours are 6am-6:30pm or 6pm to 6:30am switches every four weeks. it's predictable, just irregular, if that makes sense. we're currently on nights - well, i'm doing my best not to be, just adjusting the times for drop off and pick up. there ARE other shifts and teams available, buuuuuuu) uuuuuut the pay is amazing. by rights we should be fine all of the time, barring unforseen disaster. we're stable where we are -

it's just still a one bedroom shared with three people and two cats that is where none of us still want to be living.

we all need trips to the dentist. and follow up dental work. i need an eye exam and new glasses. i probably need to get my migraines more managed if i'm going to keep whatever job i do manage to get. the car needs headlights replaced and to investigate the horrible creaking noise when you are backing out in a turn. we should be doing a better job of trying to put anything into savings, but that's hard.

everything would be /just enough/easier with me bringing in any kind of income. possibly even better than good.

i've been beating myself up about this a lot.

i'm working on that.

i have an *incredible* team for support. my partner and my closest friend who i don't actually live with are both absolute rocks. patient as hell in all of this, but it's hard. willing to help me with getting things out & getting supplies acquired if i manage to get rolling on any one of multiple projects that are currently (finally) percolating. (my other close friends think i deserve to be able to have a break.) (i think that might be a middle ground.)

things ARE looking up. i'm still trundling ever forward and socially i'm so, so, so much happier and better off than i have been in a long time, it's just, y'know.

wading through slowly drying concrete is really, really hard. some days are better than others. things ARE going to improve, one stubborn step after another.

i'm just tired, man.

i'm tired.

i'll be okay.

(but i should probably go to bed.)

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC Review: Glitterland by Alexis Hall

4.5/5. Rereleases 1/26/2023 in audio.

Vibes: grumpy/sunshine to the nth degree, hookups to lovers, modern interclass romance, actual bipolar rep.

Ash was once a literati prodigy--but after extreme ups and downs related to his bipolar disorder diagnosis, he's stuck with pulp fiction novels. His depression and anxiety-ridden routine is rocked, however, when he hooks up with the glittery, upbeat, and very different Darian. Although he claims to want nothing, time with Darian and his sunny outlook makes Ash want everything. The question is--with all going on in his mind, can he keep it?

Oh, man, this one got me. It's hilarious, as Alexis books always are, but there's a depth here, an examination of class politics, the cynical versus the optimistic, and the issues that come with being bipolar. I say this as someone who has the same diagnosis as Ash--this hit home for me hard. I've never seen my disorder so well portrayed. And to have it wrapped up in a romance I actually loved? It just got me on a really deep level.

Quick Takes:

--Okay, so first off, I do want to talk about the bipolar rep here. Ash's disorder is not the only thing about him, and it's not the most important part of this book. This is a true romance, and Ash and Darian's relationship is the focal point. That said, this is a single POV book (which is hard to sell me on, but Alexis always does) and you see exactly what's going on in Ash's head the whole time. The ups and downs, the struggles. I wouldn't say Ash cycles particularly hard over the course of the story. He has meds that work for him. This is not a "this diagnosis is new" story.

What he does struggle with a lot accepting that he has this disorder and that it will always be a part of his life, but it does not necessarily have to dominate his life. There's a passage in this book wherein Ash is basically like "this is always going to happen, no matter what meds I'm on I will always have these episodes, this is always going to keep me from having stable relationships, this is my existence". And I've never really had my own thoughts about being bipolar spelled out so clearly for me. That was truly... validating. It's a very specific fear, committing to the idea that you will always have this and it is going to keep you from being who you would've otherwise been. There's something about having to let go of that alternate reality, while also fighting the idea that this reality basically condemns you to solitude or horrible relationships--not just romantic, but platonic and familial. It's hard.

And this shit isn't resolved completely by the end, because it can't be? Like, I fully believed in an HEA for Ash and Darian. But it'll take work!

--Alright, so onward. The characters are so lovable here. Well, with a couple of notable supporting exceptions, but they weren't supposed to be lovable (though one of them, despite doing something I personally considered unforgivable, was very HUMAN). I fucking fell in love with Ash and Darian equally, though they are absolute total opposites. I love a hero who sees the object of his affections, is ridiculously turned on, and is like "how the FUCK am I hard right now" and that is Ash. For all that Darian is obviously beautiful and obviously charming, he's not the type of beautiful and charming Ash thinks he should want... or, to be honest, thinks he deserves?

I actually related to both Ash and Darian in different ways (see: having bipolar). And I don't know if that was intentional, this contrast of dark and light, of energy and apathy, of optimism and pessimism. But it worked.

Although we're in Ash's head alone and we do get to know him better, I will say that the insights we got into Darian's life were significant enough for me to totally feel like I got him. He's bright and bubbly, but he's not flat, and he's not a manic pixie dream boy. He has responsibilities. He wants to model, but he's also in it for the money and is quite realistic about where his future lies on that front. He doesn't expect to be famous; but he does want to help support his family.

And the thing is, you need Darian to be as cheerful and lovely as he is, because Ash's head is not always easy to be in. It's dark in there. He struggles. He's funny, he's relatable, but he's not at all stress-free to read about. And the balance Alexis strikes between the two isn't just about romance; it's also about making a technically strong book. These two work together so well--but their relationship isn't easy, largely because Ash cannot accept the idea that he's capable of having a good relationship.

--There's a lot of interesting class stuff here? I'm American--but I do know that the English class system is quite different from ours. Ash has an accent Darian considers "posh" (I cannot say whether or not it is); Darian is from Essex and has what I now know is an Essex accent. I really can't speak to how this is written in the print book, because I haven't read it (yet), but I believe Alexis wrote out the accent phonetically. Either way? The narrator does an amazing job of differentiating the two. I mean, I can't speak to the accuracy of Darian's accent, but I can say these two men read as totally different and it is great.

But yeah--Ash does look down on Darian for having this really orange tan and being loud in every sense of the word and having friends with tons of Botox. At first. He has to get over a lot of shit through the course of the story, and realize that he's being an ass. It's GREAT. I love reading about a hero who's legitimately snobby and elitist and see him get over it.

--Okay, for all the deep shit, this is an amazing romcom (I mean... romdramedy? It's a romance and it's funny but also angsty, okay). There are so many moments where I just imagined the most glittery, bouncy person alive bopping in circles around a very gloomy individual in all black, dark circles under his eyes, staring into space. Except, maybe, for when his glittery guy kisses him. Ash doesn't want to admit he's falling in love with Darian, yet he can't help trying to impress him, to get close to him, to really bond with him. Sometimes this made my heart grow three sizes. Sometimes it made me laugh.

Anyway, if you love a "black cat falls for golden retriever" book. This is it. I mean, if we're being real, Darian may be more like a goldendoodle (if my mom's dog could speak, he would be like Darian--I know this) but the point stands.

--You like a grovel? You like the "baby don't leave me I miss you baby I'm sorry baby" sobbing mess shit? Oh, you will like this. I was practically high off how good this grovel was.

--There's a really interesting subplot with a supporting character that... I would not have reacted to in the same way as Ash. But I think Ash's perspective was informed by some very specific relationship things that made his decisions extremely realistic. I will say, one thing that happens to Ash due to this dynamic is one of my worst fears, and it made me feel like I'd been slapped. (In a good way. I mean, it sucked, but it was so well done. I wasn't triggered by any means.) It was also incredibly realistic, based on tastes I've had of that kind of behavior.

The Sex:

Probably my favorite sex scenes I've read in an Alexis Hall book thus far. This is a "fuck first feelings later" book (which I love). Ash and Darian have sex well before they fall in love, and Ash is soooo horny for Darian. Which bemuses him, because wanting someone this badly isn't normal for Ash. That sense of REALLY inexplicably wanting someone was so well depicted, though.

And the sex scenes themselves really worked. They were hot, they were sweet, they were... real good. A particular favorite was one that followed Ash blurting out that he has an antique desk and asking Darian if he'd like to fuck him over it. YES. PLEASE. I love someone being so attracted to the other person that they literally can't contain themselves.

There was also some exploration of different types of sex (nothing crazy, but Ash asks Darian to do something Darian isn't really familiar with) and I found that kind of like... Asking for something and discussions of comfort levels and curiosity really nice to see in a contemporary. It's less "oh ho I know it all and I'll lead you through it" and more "I would like you to do this for me if you want to do it because I think we would both enjoy it".

TW: past suicide attempt, past self harm, suicidal ideation, shaming of mental health issues.

Anyway, I thought this was great. I think it was Alexis's debut--which is crazy. The talent! I've been wanting a go at Glitterland for a while, and it did not disappoint at all.

Thanks to Netgalley and Dreamscape Media for providing me with a copy of this audiobook. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[mandareeboo]

Unfinished Work #56 "Prior Warnings"

I have nothing to add to this, unfortunately! It was originally gonna be a deep delve into Mariner's issues with stuff. The basic plot line feels pretty obvious- Petra helped Mariner get back on her old medication (for bipolar disorder) and via flashbacks we learn she got diagnosed not long after the war and Buenamigo discouraged her from taking it to keep her unbalanced. It just never had a good ending point.

Title: Prior Warnings

Summary: N/A

"I just wanted to let you know," Beckett says, "y'know, so you don't see it on my file later and have a conniption fit?"

Captain Freeman very pointedly ignores that, studying the updated medical info. Most of it is things she knows. A long life under various healing instruments, multiple surgeries, quite a few charges of disorderly conduct to medical staff. The Abilify is new, but not exactly surprising.

She raised an immaculate eyebrow. "The hell is Tegretol?"

Mariner shifts quite awkwardly, and Carol knows she's hit a nerve. But what else was she supposed to say? It's the only new thing on the damn list.

"It's an old prescription," she decides finally. "Got back on it when I was hanging with Petra."

Captain Freeman hides her frown behind the hologram. Well, as close to hiding it as she can. It's still a bit of a sore spot between the two of them. "Why did you stop before?"

Mariner shrugs. "Didn't want you to see it."

Ah, yes. Because that's comforting. "This medication is necessary, then?"

"Necessary to keep me on track, yeah."

"Alright then." Carol hits the acceptance button. Technically, it's not her jurisdiction to have to do that, but it makes more sense than having Mariner haul the thing down to T'ana. "Should I be concerned about what I just signed?"

"It's medicine, mom," Mariner sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "For my manic episodes."

She blinks. Blinks again. "I wasn't aware you were diagnosed."

"Yeah, yeah, it happened awhile ago. I just..." Mariner shrugged, crossing her arms defensively. "I like who I am when I'm stable."

Captain Freeman raises her hands in surrender. "You don't have to explain it to me, sweetie."

"Yes," Mariner says, staring at the floor, "I do."

———————————————————————————————————-

"You're going to have to explain it to her, you know."

Mariner's knee bounced, heel tapping obnoxiously against the hospital floor. "What does she even know? What does it matter?"

Uncle Les smiles at her in a way that she finds comforting then but will find sinister much later. "Beckett, you know how Carol is. A great woman. A great Captain. But... not the most understanding. I just worry she'll try to give you medical discharge."

"No, no, no," she mumbles, leg bouncing higher and higher. "She can't. I can't. Doesn't she understand that?" Mariner's breathing went as high as her leg as she tried to calm herself, fingers digging into those weird chairs no one actually feels comfortable in. "Who am I kidding? She doesn't care. And dad doesn't either. He kicked my ass from his ship for a reason."

He pats her shoulder. "S'okay, Mariner. No one says you have to take the meds."

(Buenamigo never said anything bad back then. Mariner can only assume his reasons now. He wanted her unstable. He wanted her to destroy the Freeman family inside and out. And, goddamnit, she kinda did.)

———————————————————————————————————-

"Blurgh," she decides one morning, rolling over in her cot. "Leave me to die."

But Boimler is not as forgiving of her truancy as Mariner lets herself be. He's already in uniform, shaking her shoulder. It's like being on a ship. And not a cool ship. One of those dinky ones on water from the bygone era. "C'mon, get up. I will not be held responsible for you missing your shift."

"You don't have to babysit me," she pouts.

"Someone has to," he rebuffs, with that casual fondness that told Mariner she had the boy hook, line, and sinker. Most days Mariner loves how much her friends care, how they go out of their way to try and help. Today is not one of those days. "Up. I'll replicate a hose, don't test me."

Mariner flipped him off.

"You're not, like, actually sick, are you?" Rutherford asks, coming up to press a hand to her hip. He's a touchy guy. Mariner likes that about him. "Because I will not be okie-dokie if you keel over the entire shift."

"I can be persuaded with blood samples," Tendi chirps, scrolling through her daily routine.

"'M not sick. 'M nauseous," each word comes out like pulled teeth. "Side effect."

"Of?"

"Nunya."

"Mariner," Boimler whines. "We both know the Captain'll haul me into her chambers for a report if you don't come. I cannot handle that pressure today."

Tendi pulls something out of her personal shelf with a triumphant cry, and then there's a needle in Beckett's neck. The world slowly begins to right itself again as the Orion casually pulls her into a sitting position, showing off her now-empty injector with a jazzy wiggle. "I've been keeping them on hand to help with your symptoms," she explains casually, as if Mariner's info isn't private, as if Tendi hadn't hacked the system to help her deal with this.

"D'Vana," Becket says, in all seriousness, "you're a goddess."

"I still want those blood samples," she tells her, grinning ear to ear. "Your physiology is so interesting! Being under the beams but refusing to be healed all the way for your badass scars has left some seriously neat outliers."

———————————————————————————————————-

"They may... want to do some tests."

"Oh, bullshit." Mariner rolls her eyes. "Bipolar isn't new."

"No, but it is uncured."

"So is every goddamn mental illness."

"Exactly!" Uncle Les held up his hands. "You know how medical can be."

(Tendi makes it okay, she reminds herself firmly. Tendi would never harm her. Or, well, if she did, she'd at least warn her beforehand. Tendi's heard plenty of stories of her clocking assholes in the jaw for less.)

———————————————————————————————————-

"It's like you're a whole different person," Ransom marvels over their weekly beer night, and Beckett bristles.

"Am not," she snaps back. "I'm still the same psycho badass who'd fight you over the last martini."

Ransom shakes his head, looking disappointed in himself. "Bad choice of words. But you're a lot... calmer? You talk slower. You're thinking things out more. People can actually have a conversation with you."

"It's like pulling teeth," she admits cheerfully. "You know how hard it is to argue when I talk like a grandma? What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Listen to the other side and find compromise?"

"Hmm, no, gross."

He snorts and takes a long swig. Weekly beer night is also, arguably, a strange aspect of the newly medicated Beckett Mariner. Ransom had done everything short of begging Freeman to let her have a different mentor. And as obnoxious as Ransom was, she kind of got it? They'd always mingled like oil and water. Alcohol hadn't exactly fixed the situation, but it had made it more bearable on both of them.

Ransom swishes his beer in his mouth and swallows. Beckett opened her mouth to mock him for it, but he beat her to the punch. "So, uh, freshly diagnosed orrrr..."

"The fuck, Jack? Did you go snooping on my files?"

He levelled her a very flat look. "Mariner, your twisted ass mental state has been a long-time bet on the Cerritos. I just happen to know what mania looks like."

"Huh," she said, not having known that. "No, long time ago. Blipped on the radar after my first PTSD scan, so... six years ago? Seven?"

Ransom, damn him, can do basic math. "You were, what, nineteen? Twenty?"

"Yeah, man. I had a lot of messed up shit happen to me in my late teen years."

"Huh," he echoed, not exactly sounding surprised by that. "That damn war ruined all of us."

Mariner, deciding not to answer that, slugs her beer. "So, Jack. You win that bet?"

"Heh, nah. I found the whole thing invasive and rude. I put down for brain worms."

"Rude."

———————————————————————————————————-

"What if... what if they like me better... stable?" Mariner asks quietly.

Uncle Les pats her shoulder, nodding sympathetically. "They might."

"But I'll still be me. I'll just be less hyper."

"So they'll like diet you more. It's normal. You're.. a handful, Beckett."

(Better a handful than complacent. Ransom gets that. They hate each other, but they at least understand each other.)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for weight issues, potential ED and mention of EDs, unhealthy behaviors, emetophobia tw, meds

I wanted to know if there's a name for this so that I can start tackling it better?

In high school I was a normal weight. I wasn't overweight but my friends were all taller and underweight. I would sometimes get teased for being "chubby" and not dieting (like having people at lunch make comments about what I was eating and point the calories out), but never let it bother me. I knew my BMI was fine, it just looked like I had a chubbier shape from being short, and from my friends having a different body type.

In university I started to get intense panic attacks, which would lead to vomiting. I know some people gain weight in college but I went in the totally opposite direction. Panic would make me throw up, and I'd lose my appetite for days. I lost 30% of my body weight.

I graduated now, but I have never been able to put back on the weight I lost. And I'm still stuck in the cycle of throwing up during intense panic attacks, and then being unable to eat for a few days. However... I then started getting into the habit of binge eating?

I'll go over this week, for example:

Day 1 - Feeling anxious, might still manage a few bites of a very small snack which I don't finish, but overall not have much appetite and be feeling nauseous the whole day so for the most part I'll be avoiding food Day 2 - Finally the feelings of anxiety are too much to bear, and I'll throw up while experiencing other panic symptoms like heart palpitations, racing thoughts, tension headaches, etc. (sometimes for several hours straight, even if I don't have anything in my stomach, or if I try to drink water I just throw up the water and have kind of "foamy vomit"), No food Day 3 - Panic has subsided but I'll still have no appetite. No food Day 4 - Binge eat a variety of different foods, usually at night (even though I know you're "not supposed to eat" at night, but whatever)

I've had trouble with doctors because just based on my weight alone, they'll accuse me of being anorexic. I've had family members suspect that I'm anorexic too. Finally, I had someone point out that I looked like I had sialadenosis (swollen salivary glands, which I know people associate with bulimia).

However, forgive me if I'm wrong but I always grew up with the thought that eating disorders had to do with people who don't want to gain weight, or who purposely want to lose weight, while in my case, I'm not trying to lose weight, and actually feel extremely unsatisfied that I don't weight more?

Eating disorders were a huge thing at my high school and it always had to do with them feeling too heavy and wanting to avoid putting on weight, from what they said around me. But when I vomit or don't eat, it's not because I don't want to gain weight. It's because my body is responding to extreme stress. And the binging will be because after going for a while without eating, I get hit by a huge amount of hunger and tend to overdo it (not purposely but just I get cravings and want to keep eating lots of different things).

A doctor prescribed me a medication that's supposed to help me with my appetite, but the problem is that it causes drowsiness in me, so I'll take it and start to feel a little hungry but then I fall asleep before I eat anything. I have tiredness all throughout the day, so there's no time to take it when I'm less sleepy since I'm basically always sleepy. I've also tried some anxiety medications and one helps me but I still get panic attacks, I know medication is supposed to go hand in hand with lifestyle changes, but my life feels like it's super chaotic and unstable for a bunch of reasons so instead of having a stable life, I just jump from one panic-inducing life situation to the next.

Do you have any experience in knowing what this is called, and how to deal with it? Thank you.

Hi anon,

First of all I'm sorry about what you've been through, and thank you for sharing your experience.

It seems like you may be dealing with a complex combination of symptoms related to food, anxiety, and panic attacks. While I'm not an expert in eating disorders, I can do my best to listen and provide suggestions based on my limited knowledge of eating disorders. Ultimately, it's important to seek professional help to receive an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

From my understanding, anorexia essentially means that you avoid eating as much as possible and when you do eat, it's insufficient. However, it sounds like you may be dealing with some kind of binge purge cycle where you eat a lot but throw up. But, like you said, bulimia necessitates voluntary purging, whereas in your case it sounds like you're throwing up out of anxiety and panic, rather than intentionally expelling any food. Unfortunately I'm not sure what this could be.

It sounds like the medication your doctor prescribed isn't really helping, and you may want to consider having a conversation with your doctor to explore other options. It's also worth noting that while something like an anxiety medication is supposed to go hand in hand with lifestyle changes, it can serve as sort of a safety net during this tumultuous time. I know when I started medication at 16 I was dangerously depressed and was only just embarking on my recovery journey, so for a long time the medication was pretty much doing all the work until I could get on my feet and pull my own weight, and that's okay. If it makes your life any easier then it's needed.

I think a key thing that's missing from this equation is what may be causing your panic attacks and anxiety, as these are symptoms of a larger problem. It's seems very apparent that your panic attacks are debilitating, making you go days without eating, which is really bad for your body and your overall health. I'm not sure if you know where this panic or anxiety is coming from, but it could be something to explore with the guidance of a mental health professional such as a therapist, ideally one who specializes in eating disorders. Even if you don't immediately discover the source of your panic, a therapist could help you minimize the effects of your panic attacks, and hopefully work up to a more consistent diet.

I hope I could help. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[knotmagickstudios]

ADHD/Autism Diagnosis as an adult, part 5

Part 4 can be found here.

Appointment number 3 with the neuropsych was super exciting for me because it was medication day!

I normally don't talk about the specifics of my meds, but in this case it's important. I'm not advocating for any specific medication, or for medication in general, but this is my experience. If you need meds to keep your brain from exploding, please take meds. They really do help, even though they can be scary to contemplate!

So, to recap: I went to my doctor for my extreme and long lasting fatigue, which has been causing things like brain fog, difficulty understanding/remembering instructions, short term memory loss, etc. Because I have both fatigue and insomnia, she suggested I get tested for ADHD.

The neuropsych diagnosed me with mild ADHD with very low dopamine, and autism. Because I was hesitant to start a new brain med with everything going on, we waited until appointment 3 of 4 do discuss medication. We did talk about options a little bit earlier on, and I explained why I was hesitant: I already take medication for anxiety/depression, so I want something that's going to play nice with those meds. Second, because of my sleep issues, I didn't want to start on a stimulant until my sleep was under control because I didn't want to mess things up further. He listened, understood, and agreed with my concerns, so we put medication on hold for the time being.

This process started on January 1. December 1, my energy levels just crashed and took my immune system with it. I had zero energy and got sick twice between Christmas and the first week of January. I put my writing and creative work on hiatus until further notice because I just had no energy and couldn't meet any kind of deadlines. All I wanted to do was sleep. I felt like trash.

Between appointments 2 and 3 I had a brainwave that made me feel like an absolute idiot: A big chunk of my sleep problems were caused by sensory issues. I made some changes to my bedding, night clothes, and general sleep set up, and it helped a lot. It's not perfect. I'm not where I want to be. But I feel a lot better and can do more than I could in December.

But back to the meds. Because I was feeling both desperate for relief and more stable than I was before, I felt ready to start a new medication. Essentially, there are 2 options for ADHD: Stimulants (like Ritalin) and "off label" meds. These off label meds are usually designed for depression, but because they increase dopamine levels they also help with ADHD, which is exacerbated by low dopamine. I'm already taking Lexapro, which increases serotonin levels. We didn't want to mess with the Lexapro since it's working, so he suggested adding Stelara, which is the med that plays nicest with Lexapro. I was still worried about things like mood swings or severe reactions that might impact my day job--I'm already having trouble with details, focus, etc, and didn't want them to get even worse.

We spent most of the 30 minute appointment going over the side effects, what to look out for, and how to manage them. Most of the side effects are things I'm either already experiencing due to my chronic illness. The main dangers to look out for were extreme jumps or drops in blood pressure. The rest of the side effects were typically temporary and are supposed to go away after a week or two. The medication itself could take a few days to a month to reach full effectiveness.

We decided the smartest course of action was to start me on a half dose (25mg) for 2 weeks, and then go up to the recommended 40mg at our next appointment.

So far I've been on this new med for about 4 days. The only side effect I've noticed is that it's even harder than usual to regulate my body temperature (I can go from freezing when I'm sitting still to being covered in sweat the instant I move), but that's the only side effect I seem to have. I can't judge my sleep too well because my cat has been an asshole for the last four nights and keeps waking me up for food at 4am, so it's hard to judge things like quality of sleep or fatigue levels.

I am open to adding a stimulant later on, but I want to get some other things evened out first since most of the people I know who have issues with ADHD meds have them with the stimulants. Also, right now meds like Ritalin are hard to get, so I really don't need the headache of withdrawal symptoms or trying to find a pharmacy with it in stock. Hopefully in a few months my sleep will be better, my fatigue will improve, and the inventory issues will clear up, and we can talk about it more then.

So that's where things are. I have 1 more regular appointment, and then we're going to schedule a follow up for some point in the future. I know I was super lucky to get a GP and a neuropsych who have been so great, and that isn't the experience of everyone in this boat. I hope that if you are considering or are trying to get a diagnosis, you get providers who have been as great as these two (trust me, I've dealt with some shit doctors in the past few months, including one who flat out refused to see me).

As always, I'm happy to answer any questions.

[kn96artworks]

full: https://privatter.net/i/6927068 

mini lore under cut (warning: don’t click any of these if you’re in a bad mental state or just feeling sh*tty or under the weather in general)

ex? surgeon mikage / nurse ryuga, r18g?

basically mikage suffers from severe MDD with psychosis (+/- schizophrenia? maybe) and suicidal tendencies following the tragic death of his parents (more or less the same as canon, but here mizuto was suspected to be secretly taking drugs and gradually became more and more unstable. mizuto was a surgeon too i guess). after the tragedy he was admitted to the psychiatric ward for close observation and recovery. 

so ryuga took care of him throughout his admission, and he inevitably formed an attachment to the guy. yeah. 

then after rounds of intense treatment and ECTs he’s good again. all’s well. until it’s not.

they ended up dating after mikage got discharged because the attachment was mutual i suppose. they maintains a good fluffy relationship in between works (which is decidedly difficult since they work in different departments)

mikage is fine and stable since quite some times and he got back to work as always. everyone’s happy (because he’s a d*mn good surgeon even though he has like massive impostor syndrome and near nonexistant self esteem)

then he starts to act strange. his mood became noticeably more labile with worsening mood swings and prone to violence. they suspected that he’s relapsing due to stress/exhaustion so they put him on medical leave. subsequently his condition deteriorates.

(turns out he’s been skipping his meds) (he insists that he’s fine) (random side note, doctors make the worst patients)

ryuga has been keeping tabs on him all the time and urged him for a psychiatric visit. unfortunately it didn’t happen. ryuga being ryuga, also took a leave from work to keep an eye on him. 

but why ryuga tho? 

because fusa and toma were separated from him for their safety (or rather fusa saw him getting worse and she called ryuga about it. she went away and took touma with her. toma was initially reluctant but she reasoned that it’s for their own good.) mikage, currently very unstable, interpretted it as fusa abandoning him and forcefully taking toma away from him.

so mikage, in a fit of emotion, drugged ryuga and locked him in his house. 

and he later mutilates(basically paralysed and blinded) ryuga so he can’t escape. he did it out of fear that ryuga would either leave him or be taken away too. the story ends with him mercy killing ryuga and commiting suicide afterwards.

this is very fked up. i have no idea from which corner of my brain did this came from.

btw there’s an even MORE fked up version of the story/pic whereby mikage straight up amputates ryuga’s arms and legs. this will forever haunt me ⊙﹏⊙∥

i am sorry for making ya’ll read/see this

[shield-sheafson]

See my mental health meds keep me stable in a lot of ways, and I don't know what I would do without them. But like the thing is they put me on my first SSRIs when I was 13, barely a teenager, and they didn't say "this might mess up your sex drive and make you unable to orgasm." Maybe it's because I was so young that they didn't think about it, but I feel like I had the right to know. Tbh when I was 13 I might have said "good thanks neuter me" because I had MASSIVE guilt issues about things that looking back I realize were very normal for a curious pubescent kid.

13 years later and I've been cycling through meds in the same class with the same side effects this whole time because those are the ones that keep me from wanting to die, and it feels so stupid to be bitter. They're probably why I haven't killed myself by now, and I'm upset that I can't get my rocks off. Going off is not an option if I want to live any kind of life. Changing meds might possibly be a thing, but these work very well on all other fronts and I don't know how I'd explain to my family why I was changing. Technically as a Catholic (what I should be) I'm not supposed to even WANT to have sexual feelings at all unless it's with the intention of getting married and pregnant.

And I heard that with some people even after you go off the effects stay for the rest of your life, so, like, thanks doc, that was a very responsible thing to give an uninformed middle schooler

[reaper-bloodmoon]

(Inky Space) How To Take Care Of Your Partner Who's Become A Goopy Puddle 101

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lake was doing their usual nightly routine, which was finish writing a chapter of their story, publish it, then take their medication that helped them keep their form stable. Although once they opened the bottle and tipped it over to get the pill out, all that spilled was a few specks of dust.

"Oh no...no no no no! I can't be out right now!" Lake panicked, their form having started to melt already.

"The pharmacy in Toon Town's already clo-o-osed-d-d-d....!" They were rushing around the house, the time on the clock stating it was already 9 PM. This wasn't good, they could lose their form any moment!

But of course things couldn't be so easy for them because as soon as they got to their room and reached for their wallet, they completely melted into a puddle of inky goop. They let out a miserable groaning noise, slithering their way over to the center of their living room and letting themself melt into the floor, which would transport them to Nexus.

"Neeeexxx....Neeeexxxx....!" Lake moaned miserably, their voice sounding as if their was ink caught up in their throat. They slithered on the floor of Solstice a.k.a. Dark Sun and Nexus' home, their thoughts completely muddled by how badly the melted ink was clogging them up, being all melted and all. Eventually they slithered into Nexus' lab, stretching a goopy appendage out of the puddle and patting at Nexus' leg.

"What the hell..." Nexus muttered, looking down at the goopy puddle before them.

Lake then tried to form their head out of the puddle, but it proved difficult as they then tried to speak up again.

"Nexxxxuuuuussssss...!" Lake slurred their speech, their voice being almost unrecognizable if it weren't for their annoyed tone.

"Oh my god, what the hell happened to you?? You're just some...goopy puddle!" Nexus knelt down onto the floor in front of Lake, not even complaining about their black thigh high socks getting covered in excess ink.

"Meeeedicine...out....neeeed!" Lake slurred, their puddle form splatting against Nexus' knees.

"So....you take medicine to keep your form stable, and since you ran out right when you were supposed to take it, you completely melted??" How Nexus managed to deduce that from Lake's three word slurred sentence, Lake wasn't sure. Though right now they just felt completely miserable and sought comfort in Nexus despite still having complicated feelings on them.

"Yees....miserable..." Lake mumbled, keeping their form against Nexus as much as possible.

All the meanwhile, Nexus had ordered on of their robots to grab a bowl for them, which they then used to scoop Lake up in.

"Well you're staying with me then, at least enough time passes in your world so that you can get your meds, puppydog." Nexus replied as they then took the bowl to a nearby table in their lab and setting it on it.

"Haaaaa...." Lake drawled sarcastically from inside the bowl, the surface of their ink puddle form bubbling.

It would be from here that Nexus, throughout the night, would feed what matter they could to Lake to keep them from going hungry. Nexus would also make sure Ruin and Solstice didn't dare touch Lake while they were the bowl, stating that Lake was just an interesting substance that they planned to do research on. Ruin seemed to buy it for the time being, but Solstice didn't. No, he knew something was up about it, especially since he noticed Nexus tended to mumble to themself about an "infuriatingly handsome and fiesty" ink being.

"Don't think for a second that you're safe just because Nexus won't let me touch you....you really just need to stay out of my way, I have big plans, and I don't need you ruining them." Solstice spoke to Lake as soon as Nexus had to leave the lab to grab something.

"I'll only get in your waaaay if you get in the way of me and Nexussss...." Lake's ink puddle form boiled and exploded with a more red ink, indicating that Solstice was walking along thin ice with Lake's current state. Even though Lake couldn't do much, they could at least intimidate and tell Solstice to back off.

"Don't say I didn't warn you, Lake Inui." Solstice said in an ominous tone.

That got Lake wondering how Solstice knew them, it's not like Solstice came from their multiverse. The only way that Solstice could've known was possibly looking into their records, but how would he even get his hands on those. So many questions....

Nexus eventually came back, and Lake was shocked to see that Nexus had gone out of their way to get them their meds.

"You...got my medsss?" Lake slurred as Nexus popped the top open on the pill bottle.

"Of course I did....but no way I was paying 30 Gold for this stuff." Nexus fed Lake the pill they needed, which slowly started getting their form back to normal.

"Oh my red god you stole them?? Nex!!" Lake shouted incredulously, their voice no longer sounding like they were choking on ink.

"What, I'm still a villain, babe, course I'm gonna steal!" Nexus had a smug grin on their face, their eyes half lidded as they stared Lake down.

Lake blushed a little at being called "babe", not having expected that out of Nexus so soon.

"Well you still shouldn't have done that, gods you better hope no one finds out you stole my meds for me, especially my dads!" Lake shouted in a flustered manner, having climbed out of the bowl as soon as their form was back to being stable.

"Eh, what are they gonna do? I'm a lot stronger than them, they can't do anything." Nexus stared at their claws and kept up their arrogant, smug attitude.

"My dad, maybe not, but Mama White can and will use his light magic on you, and he's a Level 5 elemental." Lake explained, letting out an exasperated sigh as they had to explain that Nexus' power was minuscule in comparison to the people of their world.

"Aha...I'm not scared of your Mama White." Nexus scoffed and crossed their arms, a little flustered about their sorta lack of power in Lake's world.

"I warned you, Nex. Oh and uh, pretty sure Solstice threatened me earlier." Lake commented, which got Nexus to tense up.

"He did what now?" Nexus sounded ready to throw hands, how dare Solstice threaten their partn- erm....frenemy; yes, frenemy, they'd go with that.

"Hey hey no need to go batshit on him, not yet anyway. I can handle myself and if I really need to, I'll come to you for help." Lake ran a hand through Nexus' now long, jet black hair. It was one of many modifications that Nexus had made to their body to help them feel more fem.

"Ugh...fine, but one more threat from him to you and I'm backstabbing his ass." Nexus relented, though it was obvious they were still mad about their newfound sibling doing that to Lake.

"Yeah good luck with that, hon." Lake scoffed playfully and head-bumped Nexus before waving them goodbye, grabbing their meds from Nexus then melting into their ink puddle portal to go back to their home multiverse.

"...Hon?" Nexus felt their face warm up, but they shook it off and went right back into their research.

[mianmimi]

Got bullied at work for……following protocol.

Rant below.

Skip if you don’t wanna sad vibe

I’m seriously thinking of leaving due to this.

I feel like people are so selective on what policies/protocols to actually enforce. And I’m in a damned if I do damned if you don’t position.

Basically I took a patient out of restraints after he fell asleep. Which is the legally correct thing to do btw. There’s literally no reason to restrain someone who is asleep. Another nurse told me to keep him in them, and the tech actually fisted bumped her for saying that. And I’m looking at my passed out patient thinking like….what for. I did take him off cause he didn’t meet criteria. And he was fine for three hours, complied with vitals, meds, etc. and then after three hours he starts back up, gets aggressive with himself, and required security and more nurses to help restrain him again.

I got yelled at by the charge nurse, and she made a snappy comment about “You must want to chase after your patients but I do not,” amongst other passive aggressive things, and told me to keep him in restraints even when he’s asleep. I didn’t reply to her. But I was definitely frustrated. I followed protocol. The patient didn’t meet criteria anymore and so I undid the restraints, and he was fine for three hours meaning those restraints really weren’t needed anymore. What was I supposed to chart? That he was perfectly fine and the restraints were there for convenience? Or just straight up lie? Which I would NEVER DO BECAUSE THESE ARE ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS I’m caring for.

So now people are getting on my case about it in a passive aggressive way. “You almost got hit in the face,” etc. Yeah but I also don’t want to restrain someone when they’re being stable. That’s imprisonment. And it’s illegal.

And I’m not putting my fucking license on the chopping block for a few hours of convenience.

So while I got chewed out for following protocol, I also get chewed out for not hooking up a monitor that was ordered. I own up to that. But I feel like why am I getting this aggression no matter what I do?

I’m gonna think about it for the next few days, and wonder if place is still right for me. I did learn a lot. But I also don’t feel like I can trust people to trust my clinical judgement. And in that case why the fuck am I even here? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel in my gut and heart that I was right. But everyone is saying I should have kept a sleeping patient in restrains.

I just don’t know

I might quit and move back to Arizona to do outpatient stuff again at this point

[rawra]

wish my brain would function.....

[summerlovingbaby]

Traitor Part 8

part one// part two// part three// part four// part five// part 6// part 7

Y/N spent the next two hours sobbing so hard that she was gagging, and the three after that looking off into space. Her eyes lied desolate, and her body lied still and empty. Sometimes she would shiver violently, or a tear would fall down her face. 

Ever since Bakugo forced her to down her meds, Kirishima had been glued to her side, assuming that, what he did would be her breaking point. The straw that broke  the camels back. The thing that would finally force her to get better and be back to normal. Little did Kiri realize, that there is no normal. Not anymore, nit after what happened to her.

After he realized that he left, after seeing Y/N in her state, it looked like she was only moments away from dying, and he just couldn’t stand it. He tried his best to help and comfort her but nothing worked, and then he realized that nothing would probably work. He came to the heartbreaking realization that he wouldn’t be able to help her. He didn’t want to cry in front of her, and it made him feel weak. He felt he had no right to cry, not in front of her.

He almost made it to his room. Almost. He had his door on the doorknob when he sunk to the floor like melted ice cream. Rambling on, in words that nobody would understand. He began to sob so loudly, he was wailing. This attracted the attention of his classmates, who were just beginning to settle in to bed.

Bakugou flew out of his room, in a panic at the sounds of his friends cries. Followed by Mina, Sero, Todoroki and Deku, albiet much slower. Bakugo was by his side in seconds, kneeling to see if he hurt. Once he realized that she wasn’t physically hurt, his concern only grew for Y/N, assuming that something happened to her.

“ Is it Y/N? Is she hurt?” Kirishima only muttered madly in response, which quickly grew into sobbing and incoherent mumbles.

Bakugo’s eyes grew wide in a state of confusion. He himself was on the verge of panic, but he knew that he had to remain calm, if not for his sake, for Kirishima’s sake, and if not for Kirishima’s sake, then for Y/N.

“ What happened?” he asked in as sturdy a voice that he could manage. Kirishima tried to speak, but he only began blubbering again, and crying much louder. Bakugou sensing a oncoming meltdown put a stop to it as soon as possible. “ Uh...uh.. none of that. I can’t help you if you keep talking all that nonsense... if you want my help, I need you to calm down.”

Kirishima wanted to calm down, he really did, but he didn’t no how to very well, which resulted in him just holding his breath and attempting to wipe the tears away. His attempts proved futile, because it didn’t work.

“ Hey... hey... hey. You can’t do that. Just breathe , will ya? In and out I know you know how.”

Slowly, but only slightly Kirishima’s breathing began to slow to a pace that was barely substandard, only enough for him to feel like he wasn’t dying every time he gasped for air, now he only felt like he needed a oxygen tank.

“ Now, can you tell me what happened?” Bakugou asked again.

“ I.... I.... she-she... I don’t think- I don’t think I can help her.” he managed. His breath began to quicken, as he finally admitted it outloud.

“ I’m sure that’s not true.” Mina suggested.

“ I don’t think that she’s going to get better.” he spoke again. This time oddly calm. Tears still flowed down his face, but his voice was oddly stable and calm.

“ She will get better, we just have to stay positive and be there for her!” Sero spoke.

“ She won’t even look at me! SHE FLINCHES WHEN I TOUCH HER.” He yelled. He was starting to get angry, extremely angry, witch was scary to everyone witnessing it,

“ Calm-” Bakugou started.

“ HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN WHEN THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS SICK, AND IN PAIN, AND WON’T LET ME HELP HER.” He began to stand, with full force full of rage.

“ Love of your life?” Todoroki asked.

“ I RUINED HER LIFE, WE RUINED HER LIFE, AND US STANDING HERE AND PRETENDING THAT WE DIDN’T-, I... she hates me.” His voice dropped off mid statement. “ She hates me, and she has every right to hate me.”

“ Now I’m sure that’s not true.” Mina asked.

“ She called me pathetic, and weak, and a coward..” His voice was frail and shakey. And he felt like he would collapse to his knees again. But he tried his best to remain stable.

“ I’m sure she didn’t mean it.” Sero suggested.

“ She meant it, and she was right.” he said, his eyes darted to the floor in shame. “ I didn’t stick up for her, I wasn’t there for her, not when she needed me. I should have listened to her, I loved her and I thought... She trusted me and I failed her. I should have been there... I failed her.” The last bit came out as a broken whisper. He began n to speak to himself. Then his eyes darted upwards in sudden shock and realization. “ We didn’t even say sorry.”

“ Sorry?” Denki asked.

“ Sorry, for the pain that she is in and the pain we caused her.. for the role that I played in it.” Suddenly as if he was a puppet on a string he beagn to walk back in the direction that he came.

“ Where are you going?” Bakugou asked.

“ To say sorry.”

Meanwhile, halfway across campus, Y/N had just began to physically recover from what just happened. Her head was looking at the ground because she didn’t even have the energy to look up anymore. Then her head suddenly shot up like a bullet.

“ How did you get in here?”

“ I have my ways.” a voice spoke from behind her.

“ Why are you here?” she asked, despite the fact that she tried to come off as harsh, but it was way too shaky to come off as anything but nervous.

“ Can’t a father just come to see his daughter.?”

sorry it took so long to update, i have alot going on right now. I’m working on getting my book published as well as a play, but i hope you enjoy. also this series is coming to a end so if you have any requests that you like me to write, please don’t hesitate to ask.

TAGLIST INFO

@kiribakuslilpebble    @un-limit-edd     @ultrahugakitten  @ jmook423 @ anonymousbabygirl13-blog   @ power-house-fan12                                  @imunderurbed   @fandomfreak1000000   @dylan-kai2008 @cheesecakeva  @lovemegood  @madsttx @whatdidshesayyy

@ great-goddess-of-sin

@bitchyzombienacho

@polpoe​

@lovemegood

[awindylife-writes]

Sick

Relationships: 10th Doctor x reader (Not an established relationship)

Summary: the Doctor and you find yourselves on a spaceship in desparate need of repair and you are determined to help the crew (Kaisa, Lincoln and Bressa), but then the ship also gets highjacked. And on top of that, you fall sick.

Warnings: you're in mortal danger but that's it

You were standing by the big metal desk in the middle of the room, reading the numbers to Kaisa so he could type them in.

The digits kept swimming in your vision. They were blurry, everything was blurry, but they also kept moving. And when did it get so hot? You wiped the sweat from your forehead while trying to breathe deeply. You knew that if you looked up from the pad, the room would be spinning. The worst part was the tiredness. It coiled through your limbs and made them so heavy you could hardly move them. The effort to keep connecting letters and sounds, keep connecting thoughts hurt.

You closed your eyes for a second and the ship tilted so far you lost your balance. You stumbled back, eyes flying open and arms trying to reach out for something to hold onto.

Suddenly there were strong hands on your shoulder and the small of your back, steadying you. You looked up and recognized the dark orange skin and curly brown hair that was greying at the edges. Kaisa had caught you.

"Are you alright?" his gruff voice came to you.

"Yeah, yeah l'm okay." That sounded weak even to your own ears. "The ship just tilted."

"The ship's fine, love," he answered in confusion. You could see furrowed eyebrows, and then his dark golden eyes. You couldn't make out the wrinkles around them, or the lines on his forehead. Everything was blurry.

He put one hand around you to hold you up, then felt your forehead with the other. It was blessedly cold and you leaned into it with a sigh. "I think humans aren't supposed to be this hot," his worried voice came then.

You could hear Lincoln and Bressa turn around and step closer. You would have cracked a joke about drinks first if you weren't about to ask to sit down from exhastion. But you all had a job to do.

"I'm okay," you tried to reassure him. "Let's just get back to-" As you stepped away from Kaisa to shake his hands off, the ground rushed up and you barely caught yourself on the table. His arms were back, supporting you, before you could fall further. Shit.

"You're sick," Kaisa confirmed with a voice full of worry. He gently pulled you from the table and towards the wall. "Here, sit down," he told you softly and manouvered you to a stack of crates. He helped you sit on one and you rested your head on the taller pile.

"Thanks," you breathed gratefully and closed your eyes.This is nice.

On the other side of the room you could just hear Bressa order Lincoln, "Go get the Doctor. Tell him y/n's sick." Her voice was grave.

~

The Doctor had just recalibrated the fiberlinks of the navicomputer and was well on his way of taking apart the integral protonic bond when Lincoln reached him. The Doctor didn't even pull his head out of the ship's innards, much less stood up. "What is it?" He didn't have time for this.

"Your friend," the young man's distressed voice came. "She's sick."

That made worry explode in his chest. Ice spread through his veins as he hurriedly pulled himself out of the wiring. He hit his head on the way but that didn't matter, not when y/n was-

"What did you say?" the Doctor demanded in a low voice, eyes scanning the Tirellian crewmate.

"Y/n is sick." The Doctor marked every blink, every twitch, every line. He did not like the worried frown on Lincoln's face. He had gotten his answer.

The Doctor put the sonic back in his inner pocket and demanded, "Where is she?", voice forcibly calm but unrelenting. He picked up his coat as the young man turned to show the way, and off they went.

~

When your eyes were closed, you could almost pretend you were fine, but the fever, the heat in your skin was killing you. The box on your cheek and forehead had warmed up and provided no more relief.

You could feel even the darkness around you spin if you tried to think.

~

The Doctor ran into the room after Lincoln, trench coat billowing around him.

"Where is she?" he demanded in worry with his gaze searching the room.

"Over here." Kaisa stood up from behind the large metal table and pointed at the stack of crates beside the wall. He stepped back towards the others as the Doctor came to kneel before you with his coat scraping the floor. His hands hovered just inches above your skin.

"Y/n," he breathed quietly while looking you over. His hand settled on your arm. Scarlet cheeks, sweat - fever, eyes closed, leaning on the crate - exhausti-

You tiredly opened your eyes but you didn't lift your head. "Doct'r." The regret was already in your voice. "'M sorry. I should've-" Should have known the signs, should have slept more, should have eaten-

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he murmured softly, shaking his head. He rubbed your arm, his expression gentle and reassuring.

He took your hand and found your pulse point, which made butterflies flutter in your stomack despite the sickness. Then he lifted his other hand to your cheek. It was cold so you leaned into it, your eyes closing in content. You breathed deeply but it seemed like there was never enough air.

"You've definitely got a fever, about 39 degrees," he continued in that same soft tone. "And your heart is speeding up. How're you feeling?"

"Evr'thin's spinnin'," you told him tiredly, words a bit slurred. You tried to remember, but the things you were trying to describe made it hard to do that. "Couldn't stand up, Kaisa caught me. Couldn'read anymore, evr'thing was blurry'n moving. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, ever'thing hurts. An'l'm tired," you sighed. "I wanna go t'sleep."

"You will, l promise you will, but you need medicine first," he told you gently yet firmly. "It's the virus Tem, from Polon. We were there about four days ago, it's quite common for the planet, but it's dangerous." His brown eyes were full of worry. "If it's left untreated, as yours was, it can be deadly." He left the sentence hang in the silence after it.

You tried to shake your head but the motion caused more pain and you stopped. "So l'll get the meds and ll'l be fine," you told him tiredly. It didn't seem like much of a problem. You faced death on a daily basis, so what was a little virus?

"What do we do?" Kaisa stepped closer and looked down at the two of you, eyebrows furrowed in worry and hands crossed in front of his chest.

The Doctor moved closer and took you by the shoulders. "C'm on." He smiled encouragingly as he gently helped you stand up. You didn't like it, but the solution to this situation probably required moving.

You leaned against him and put your head on his shoulder as he helped you stay upright. The spinning did not help your stomack.

"Polonians have a vaccine, but it's far too late for that. You though, you three come from Kristella, is that right?" the Doctor looked around the room.

"Yeah," Kaisa nodded.

"So you receaved the whole med package there, including the VC five-six-o-nine."

"Yes."

"Good," he nodded, "bless the Kristellan med care. Your immune system knows the virus so you're not in danger. But you," he looked down at you, gritting his teeth, "are."

Well, that was a bit obvious.

He looked back up at Kaisa. "I want you to get her to the med bay. Give her Triskel two point three with a lot of water, she needs to stay hydrated, and then two shots of Amino when that's down, got it?"

"Yes," the large sailor nodded and stepped closer to take you. "And don't 'Got it' me, young man."

The Doctor opened his mouth to explain the whole Time Lord age thing when-

"I don't wanna go," you mumbled into his chest, pressing yourself closer. The room was spinning, you couldn't see well and you could barely stand. The thought of leaving him (he meant safe and good and you needed him) on this ship where anything could happen to you or him (who would look after him if not you?) made you want to sob.

He pulled away enough to look at you but still hold you. His eyes were soft. "I know," he told you gently and then frowned at the thought of letting you go, "l don't like this either." Every instinct in him flared against leaving you while you were sick and in need of him. He was Gallifreyan, and he protected what was his, even if you didn't know. "But you need medicine, and they need help rewiring the ship," he put it plainly. "I have to stay, and you have to go."

You nodded even though it hurt. He pulled you closer and for a moment, you just held each other.

"Stay safe," you said into his shoulder, almost an order. "Not a hair out of place, you hear me?"

You could feel him smile at the familiar tone. "Yes, ma'am."

It was time to go. You slowly let go of the Doctor as Kaisa came closer. He slung a hand around your waist while you put yours around his shoulders. It worked well, you could stay upright and move at the same time.

Then the whole ship shook like it was being torn apart and you were thrown against the table while Lincoln yelled in surprise. The Doctor and Kaisa kept you stable and unharmed between them, but the room looked like it had survived an earthquake.

"Are you alright?" The Doctor was franctically looking you over for injuries.

"What the hell was that?" demanded Bressa.

~

Kaisa didn't know what to do. You and him were locked in one of the main storage rooms, and they hadn't even let you get medicine. The large Risonians, two out of six who had highjacked the ship, simply came into the med bay and dragged you out before he could find anything to help you. You hadn't even gotten water.

All he could do was put his jacket under your head when you couldn't sit up anymore and hold your hand as you slipped into a restless sleep.

Then he noticed the computer log in the corner behind the crates. He could rewire it, send an altering pulse through the system... He looked at you as your head turned from one side to the other as you gasped for breath, mumbling nonsense in your sleep. Your fever was rising.

"Right then, love. I'm going to get help."

~

When the Doctor noticed Kaisa's message beeping under the log, he'd been momentarily confused. He'd made it very clear to the Risonians that you needed medicine and that he would do anything to make sure you got it, so why would they-

A second later, a pair of the hijacking crew came marching into the room with guns drawn. The Commander was as shocked as him when two of her people turned against her.

This was bad.

~

The Doctor walked into the storage room with his hands behind his head, with Bressa and Lincoln behind him. What remained of the Risonian crew had been locked into a separate room, to keep you all separated. His eyes immediately scanned the space for you.

When he turned the corner behind a high stack of crates, his hearts lurched. You were unconscious, lying on the floor with Kaisa holding your hand.

The Doctor was by your side in a second. Your skin was pale, but your cheeks were scarlet and your forehead glistened with sweat. You were mumbling in your sleep, your breaths laboured. Your head was turning restlessly in the throes of a fever dream. He took your warm hand and held it tightly.

"She was asking for you," Kaisa told him softly, eyes still trained on your face.

"What?" The Doctor's gaze flew to the larger man in confusion.

Kaisa looked up at him, "She was asking for you." He searched his eyes, for what, the Doctor didn't know. "Even after she couldn't answer me anymore, she kept asking for you in her sleep."

The Doctor felt like a hand had squeezed his hearts. It happened again, he did it again, you were in danger and it was his fault. He looked down at your closed eyes and scarlet cheeks. You were helpless, you needed him, and he couldn't do anything.

He brought your hand to his cheek and held it there with his palm as he closed his eyes. He needed you to live, he needed you to be alright. You had to be.

"Doct'r," your voice was barely a whisper.

His eyes flew open and he stared down at your still sleeping form. You turned your head to the side and, "Doct'r," again his name.

It lit a blazing fire in his chest. That was it. That was it, he was getting you out. He was getting all of you out because that was what he was going to do and the universe would bloody listen. He was the Doctor, and you were his. He was not losing you, not ever.

They'd taken the sonic but he was, for all intents and purposes, in a supply closet. Time to find out exactly which supplies he had.

[luimagines]

Maybe you caring for the chain? Like doing small things like helping tend to their wounds or brushing their hair. Love the blog btw!

Masterlist

A little TLC?

A little Fluff?

That's my JAM! You got it hun!

It's gonna be in bullet point list because I can.

Content under the cut!

Time

Can you imagine this guy?

It's late at night and you wake up unexpectantly.

It was supposed to be your shift but it's way past that

It's even past the shift after yours

Time is still by the fire pit

Awake

You get up

You walk over to him

Place a hand on his shoulder

He looks up at you, tired as hell

He knows he's been caught.

"It's past your bed time Old Man"

"I just wanted to give everyone a little break."

And like?!

You push him aside gently and he lets you sit next to him.

You pull him towards you and you place his head on your lap

"What am I going to do with you?"

"It's not your job to take care of me."

"Someone has to. Malon will have our heads if you come back home any less than how you left."

You start running your fingers through his hair and he closes his eyes in bliss.

It's quiet and neither of you say anything.

Time quickly falls asleep from your touch and you stay up to take your watch.

You take the next watch after as well.

Soon enough the sun rises.

And you let Time sleep in.

Twilight

What about Twilight?

Twilight was mid battle, fighting multiple bokoblins at once.

At some point he had lost his sword.

This boy hunkers down and starts swinging.

It's a one on five boxing match.

Twilight, to say the least, is not unharmed by the end of it.

You notice that he's not stable on his feet and has a few bloodied patches on his clothes, not to mention the (hopefully) small cut on his forehead.

It's more blood than you'd like to see.

You're quick to help and let him lean into your side.

You bring to the side of the fire, quickly taking out your personal med pack and begin to clean his face.

He's not seeing straight so he starts to speak nonsense.

"Twilight honey, please, don't." You try not to laugh.

"Have you seen them though?"

He's talking about you.

"They're so amazing. Did you know that? They're so cool. They know so much about history and animals and plants."

"Twilight please, I can't reach the cut. I need to disinfect it."

"And animals and Epona and Epona likes them so much. I want to show them my home and my family. Colin would love them. And I think they and Illia would be best friends."

You're blushing but it's soft and you're smiling because Twilight is smiling and he looks so happy at the thought.

You wave away Hyrule when he comes to check on The Rancher, letting him know that you've got it covered.

It's sweet.

Wild

His is a little more obvious

"Wild, what on earth?"

He comes back from an afternoon adventure.

He's absolutely filthy.

There's at least three sticks in his hair.

At least those are the ones that you can count because they're sticking out.

Multiple leaves.

You think you see something move.

"What?"

He doesn't care.

You sigh and stalk up to him.

You grab his arm.

"You're my prisoner now"

Wild tries to fight you but you're determined.

You sit him and take out a brush, taking his pony tail down.

It's a long battle.

But after at least thirty minutes of fighting the branches and leaves and what might have been a tiny mouse like creature.

The mouse thingy just ran away.

You're trying to be as gentle as you can but Wild has a hard time sitting still.

Some leaves leave easier than others and there were actually seven separate branches in his hair that you take out one by one.

But when you get past the battle and clear the foliage, Wild relaxes.

Soon you're only brushing his hair.

He needs to wash it.

But you're not anywhere near any body of water so it'll have to wait.

Wild hums every time you pass the brush pleasantly through his hair.

Within moments his hair is soft and tangle free.

You look around him to look at his face.

He's calm and blissful.

You smile and go back to brushing his hair.

It's a calm afternoon from then on out.

Warrior

Warrior isn't one to accept TLC in public but-

It's after a battle.

And you look over to Warrior who's taking off his armor at a painstakingly slow pace.

It takes him a while.

He grimaces in pain and begins to rub his neck and shoulder.

You bit your lip and sigh.

You make your way over to him.

"Need a hand, soldier boy?"

"What?"

He's confused.

"If you got pain, I can help with that."

You don't want to make it a big deal or weird.

"How?"

"I want your permission first. I'd have to touch you."

"Sure. Why not? Do it."

You nod and get behind him.

Soon enough you start kneading his shoulders and lower neck.

He grunts at the pressure you put on it but otherwise lets you continue.

He's stiff as a brick.

So you're there for a while.

But when you get tired or when he's better off than how you started (whichever comes first) you let him go.

He rubs absentmindedly where your hands just were and smiles in relief.

"Thanks."

You grin.

"Any time."

Sky

Now Sky is a bit different

He's not shy about TLC

He's frequently the one to take care of the others

You however notice something off one day

His hand was always in a fist and you pulled him aside.

"You ok? What happened?"

Sky sighs, and opens up his palm

A large cut down the middle

It cut through his leather and gloves and was bleeding through the cloth Sky was holding.

You gasp and begin to help him out then and there.

"How did this happen?"

"It's not that big of a deal."

"It's your hand!" You take off the gloves as gently as you can and bring out your med pack. "You kind of need that."

You sit him down and clean it off.

He's quiet as you work, watching you tend to his wound.

He flinches slightly at the disinfectant and hisses.

You begin to wrap his hand with a clean bandage.

You're meticulous in wrapping it up completely.

It's slow and you're losing progress in travel time but neither of you care.

"You don't have to do this."

"I want to. You can't stop me."

"I'm pretty I could if I did."

"Yeah, probably."

More silence.

You take moment to study your work and gently turn his hand over.

You give it back to him.

"How did you even manage that? You're usually so much better at this."

"It's... embarrassing..."

"Do I even want to know?"

"...No... Thank you... For helping."

"Of course."

Legend

"Legend, sweetheart, what are you doing?"

He's the kind to avoid public soft and gentle actions

Even if he's the kind to desperately want them

He'll push people away and fail to satisfy himself by yearning from a distance.

One day, you have enough.

He's trying to sit next to you and he's fidgeting, internally fighting himself over something but it's too close to you to not notice.

You sigh and pull him close to you, wrapping both of your arms around him even as he tries to fight you off.

He's trying to struggle out of it but you just snuggle into his shoulder.

He doesn't fight you for long.

Legend borderline melts into your embrace and he hugs your arm in return.

"You've got a weird sense of pride, you know that?"

You start to run your hands through his hair.

Legend scoffs

"You're the one being weird."

"Mh-hm."

"You are."

"Just say you want a hug."

"....No."

"Well I guess I have to hug you more often then."

"........No."

"Yes."

"Ok."

Hyrule

Now, you're pretty sure that The Traveler's love language is touch, so he's not shy about keeping his hands to himself.

There's always a hand on your shoulder, a comfortable hug when your sad, gentle fingers to wipe away your tears and he's doesn't mind when one (or three) members fall asleep on him.

"Oh my- Hyrule" You drop your defensive stance from being startled and stare at him.

He's bleeding from at least three different areas.

"Hyrule, sugar, sit down!" You rush over to him and help him get into a sturdy position.

You're quick to pull out a potion and help him drink it.

His hand makes its way onto your shoulder as he settles himself down.

You push his hair out of his face with frantic but gentle fingers.

"Hellllllloooo." Hyrule attempts to smile but his head swoops to the side, too heavy for him to keep it up.

"Oh, what happened?" You push up his sleeve and begin to treat the nasty scrape on his forearm.

You know the potion will eventually take care of the injuries

But you're impatient.

"I... Got caught up in a cave."

"Why did you go alone?" You stress as you begin to clean the blood off.

"...Couldn't find Wild."

"Oh my goodness, take me with you next time." You nearly shake him. "Don't go alone."

Hyrule nods and sighs in relief, as the potion begin to effect.

"That sounds like fun."

"Can you not get hurt, for just like... five minutes..."

"I can't make that promise."

"Promise me, you'll at least tell someone that you'll be going somewhere."

"I can do that."

Wind

Wind is down for anything.

He's not afraid of any sort of TLC.

You're sitting next to each other one day for dinner

You both eat until you're full and lean up against each other.

The warmth of the fire heats both of you like a comfortable blanket.

Wind leans up against you and sighs.

You smile and wrap one of your arms around him.

Wind then snuggles closer and hums happily.

You set your plate aside and begin running your fingers through his hair.

Within moments Wind starts to fall asleep against you and he lets himself fall even more against you.

"Sleep hon, I got you."

" 'mkay." Wind adjusts himself one more time and lets his breath even out.

You let him sleep against you for a while until you also decided to hit the hay.

One of the others sets up his bed roll and you pick up Wind.

You begin to make your way over and set him down but your resident pirate holds onto your arm

"-Don't." Wind whines.

You hide your snickers and try to get him to let you go.

He doesn't.

Welp...

You bite the bullet and ask Hyrule to bring over your own bed roll.

With the help of some of the other boys, you get it set up as close as you can get it.

Adjusting your grip, you lay on your side and pull Wind close.

It's bedtime.

So you fall asleep next to him.

Four

Four is actually little more like Legend in terms of initiating contact than he cares to admit.

He's not going to push anyone away if they come to him.

Even if he wants something as simple as a hug, he won't be the one to go and hug someone.

Someone will have to hug him.

But this boy yearns.

And he's bad at hiding it.

You take it upon yourself when he's being a little off to talk to him

Brush his hair

Hold his hand

Hold him close with your arm over his shoulders, a side hug when your both walking.

He lets you.

He leans in closer and tilts his head in your direction.

A silent request for pats.

If you've been playing with his hair for long enough, he'll let you braid it.

You take the time to keep it out of his eyes and occasionally put flowers in it when there's more down time.

Four won't say it but it's one of his favorite times

He wears his flower braids with pride

It's not something that he would do for himself but he wouldn't change it for the world.

It makes him feel special.

[deanstead]

One Plus One

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Request by anon: hiiii! can i request a jay halstead x reading imagine where the reader get's hurt on a case and is in critical condition. they've already been dating for about 2-3 years. they take her to chicago med and will or connor is the one that operates on her. she ends up pulling through. whoever operates on her accidentally spoils the news that BOTH the reader and the baby are okay. jay gets emotional, happy ending, maybe marriage proposal? please and thank you so much!!!

Word Count: 1,076

Warnings: pregnancy, mentions of blood/injury, angst, fluff

A/N: First try at pregnancy mentions in a fic, so I hope this turned out okay! Please hit me up and let me know what yall think! Hoping the tags work!

---

“Y/N!”

Jay’s voice sounded faint, as if it was coming from a long distance away.

“Hey, hey, look at me.” You struggled to focus on Jay, the sound of his voice and the image of his face swam a little in front of you.

“Y/N! Look at me, you stay with me, you hear me?”

Your face felt swollen, you weren’t sure what hurt because it hurt everywhere. Had there been a gun? Or had the suspect simply overpowered you? You didn’t know, everything felt heavy and you could barely make out Jay hovering above you.

Jay’s voice got more and more muffled, as if you were sinking deeper underwater.

“No no, baby stay with me, don’t you give up on me Y/N!”

That was the last thing you heard before the darkness pressed in around you.

---

Jay paced in the waiting room as he looked up at the clock again. Was the surgery supposed to take this long?

“Jay.” Will called as he entered the waiting room.

Jay’s head snapped up, landing on his older brother. “Will, can you check on her, please?” Jay asked, a look in his eyes that Will hadn’t seen before.

Will swallowed back a reassurance and nodded, disappearing towards the direction of the operating rooms.

Jay looked around at the waiting room which was full of their team members but only he was too anxious to sit still.

The both of you had been partners until two years ago when Voight decided that the two of you worked better with different partners given your romantic relationship. Jay hadn’t been thrilled but you had convinced him that it was okay and that it’d be better.

“Jay.” Adam put a hand on his shoulder.

“Where were you?” Jay demanded, turning to face Adam. “You were supposed to have her back, how could you let this happen?”

Everyone else looked up and Kevin stood, wondering if he should break it up.

“Jay, I…”

“You’re her partner!” Jay raised his voice a little. Everyone could tell Jay was struggling to keep it together. Considering everything, Jay was already holding back because deep down he knew that Adam would never knowingly put you in danger. And even Adam seemed to know that.

Just as the tension seemed to be climbing in the waiting room, Will and Connor opened the door.

Jay spun around, making a beeline for Connor, as Voight stepped up as well.

“We controlled the bleeder, everything looks okay, they’re both fine.” Connor reassured Jay.

Jay’s eyebrows scrunched together. “Both?” No one else had been hurt today, everyone else was sitting in the waiting room with Jay, waiting on news about you.  

Connor nodded. “Yeah, Y/N and the baby are both fine. The fetus is stable.”

The words bounced around the waiting room.

“Jay, you could have told me.” Will said, smiling.

Connor continued to study Jay. “You didn’t know?”

“You’re sure?” Jay asked now, swallowing a lump in his throat.

Connor smiled. “Congratulations.”

---

Jay was still in a state of shock.

Had you known? Why didn’t you tell him? There were a thousand questions racing through Jay’s mind but he pushed it all to the back of his mind as Connor came back in to let him know that he could go in to see you again. Jay had already been to look in on you after the surgery when you were still unconscious. Connor was now here to let Jay know that you were awake and had gone through the cognitive tests with no issues.

“Hey stranger.” Jay called, leaning on the door frame at the entrance to your recovery room.

You smiled back at him, as you lay propped up in bed. You could see it in his eyes, his worried expression still looming over him.

You stretched out your arm, beckoning him to come closer.

Jay smiled and moved forward, fitting his hand into yours and scooting as close as he could to you. He was silent for a while, just watching you, as if he was committing you to memory.

“Jay?” You probed, “I’m okay.”

“Did you know?” Jay finally opened his mouth, asking the one question that was weighing on his mind.

You frowned a little in confusion before you realised what he was really asking. You let your gaze fall. “I wasn’t sure.” You whispered. “Until now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jay asked.

You shrugged. “I had a negative and a positive. I just wasn’t sure. I was planning to come to Med to get tested but we got hit with the case this morning and I just…” You paused again, watching Jay and for the first time in a long time you weren’t able to get an accurate read on him.

“And I didn’t know if…” You paused.

“Y/N, I love you. There’s nothing in the world that would change that.”

You smiled. “I know. I just… I wasn’t sure if this was in your plans, yet. A baby changes everything Jay, like it or not. And I wasn’t sure if…”

Jay leaned forward, interrupting with you a kiss.

“Anything that has to do with you is in my plans.” Jay whispered.

A moment of silence passed between the two of you before Jay gently put a hand on your stomach.

“A baby, huh?” He muttered. When he looked back up, you saw a twinkle of tears in his eyes.

You smiled and put a hand up to his face. “You sure about this?”

Jay raised his hand to cover yours. “There’s no one else in the world that I would want to do this with. Ever.”

Jay suddenly straightened up. “Look, this is so not where I wanted to do this.”

Your eyebrows unconsciously scrunched together. “Do what?”

Jay gently pulled himself away from you, reaching into his pocket. Before you knew what was happening, Jay was down on one knee beside your hospital bed.

“Jay…”

“Y/N, will you marry me?” Jay’s green eyes were shining.

You stared at him.

“Baby, say something.” Jay said. You could see his green eyes growing more doubtful.

“I promise you, this has less to do with the baby than the fact I can’t think of anyone else that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.” Jay blabbered. “Do you think I carry a ring around in my pocket everyday?”

You cracked a smile.

“Of course, I’ll marry you.” You whispered.​