#my mom who isnt as comfortable driving at night as she used to be? or my dad who. hm. lets say yesterday he drove me to the sfore and he

[audiovisualrecall]

My dad's been sick for 2 days ish bit not much beyond sniffles till yesterday and got a PCR done and they said they'd email him in the morning. This morning came and went and we heard nothing, finally he called them to find out that oh yeah someone logged the result but did nothing else with it. He's positive for covid, too, of course. But they for some reason didn't even consider prescribing paxlovid even tho as an over-65 yr old they Should have?? Last time they both got it, both were given paxlovid. This one didn't even suggest he ask his gp or anything. So he tried to call his doctor bc also he has prostate cancer so like yeah maybe he should be on the antiviral??? And it took all day to get a response and idk. My mom had paxlovid prescribed and called in and then was told she needed to take a different antiviral bc paxlovid interacts with her heart meds, apparently, so anyway we have an extra brand new box of it lying around, so if his doctor said yes, take paxlovid, he could use that one instead of going to pick up another box and letting this one go to waste. But he used his Customer Service Voice when he spoke to them and also honestly downplayed his symptoms- both yesterday and today, as the day got later he got the chills and sat in his computer chair with his hood up and dozed/napped most of the afternoon away. He seemed to wake up more after dinner last night and was fine earlier today, same as yesterday during the daytime, but he went from 99°f during their phone call to 101 (I think, it mightve been 100.1, my ears are stuffed due to covid, ugh) an hour or 2 later. And was still slumped in his chair napping with the hood up and despite advil, totally out of it until ma needed him to move his car so she could go out to get something. He still looks like shit tho, pale af. Anyway so bc he downplayed it on the phone to the Dr they didn't recommend the paxlovid I guess which i don't get, at all. Like the only reason I didn't take it is bc I cannot manage those horse pills. No way. Also bc I didn't realize I was sick until 3 days in. And yes technically he is 3 days in to being sick, too, so the effectiveness of the antiviral would be lessened, compared to starting it right away, but personally I think it's worth it anyway for him, but obvs not my choice, so.

Now he's up watching woodshop videos or whatever when he clearly needs the sleep. But whatever

[c0la-queen]

Been thinking about gang x nonchalant reader in a semi nsfw way…. like a reader that isnt afraid to be touchy(but in a casual way or making jokes, not Have to be in a flirty way) and doesn’t shy away from physical contact at all, its like she used to have a same-gender girl friends group that was used to it so she does the same to the guys unknowing that there Should be a “limit” but she doesn’t care, she puts her legs over their legs sitting on the couch and lay her head on them to rest if they allow it and would even cuddle with them, she walks around in short revealing pajamas and she would change her clothes openly if they’d let her but probably gets scold but the guys on how she should care more about it cause its making them flustered too but she just doesn’t understand like they’re close friends so why not, its not like weird etc etc. Can I get your thoughts on this? How the gang reacts and how all the guys would go about it if they’re all into it kinda thing ;)

Ohhhh do I have THOUGHTS /pos

It's very easy for me to write this, because my Eddsworld Reader is very much this kind of person!

I think that, for my Eddsworld crew, they would not be bothered at ALL. It was definitely a big shock for them at first, because in their brains that is?? Not how women act??? But they quickly get used to it and even learn to love it. Plus, they're still rat bastards at the end of the day, so they're all just a little perverted to different degrees.

Matt would probably be the most normal about it. Even then, he's not completely normal. He's probably internally in denial about the fact that he's a little twisted like the others. As a Girl's Girl, Matt would be jumping to help you with your outfits. If you need someone to help you pick out what to wear for the day, he's happy to help! And well, if you're going to change right there in the middle of your room while he's sitting on the bed, who is he to judge? It's your room, after all. He would look away at first. Even if you are comfortable enough to change in front of him, he'd want to respect your privacy. But then.... that little voice starts speaking to him. A small peek wouldn't hurt, right? He would need to know what color your underwear is, to make sure it doesn't show through your clothes! Or what if he wants to buy you some cute new underwear from the mall, or from his mom's company? He needs to know what style you like! So... he peeks. Then he can't tear his eyes away. After a while, he stops looking away. He feels guilty about it, but at this point he just can't stop himself.

Tom is a good balance. He knows you're a very touchy person. Normally he wouldn't be comfortable with it, but for you? He makes an exception. Part of him feels a little guilty about getting off on it, but how can he feel guilty for too long when you're pressing up against him like that? He loves it when you hug his arm out in public, subconsciously pressing your chest to his arm. Or when you fall asleep in the car when they're driving home late at night, sitting in the backseat with him and laying your head in his lap. You're sleeping so comfortably, it would be wrong of him to wake you up! Doesn't matter if your hand is laying limp a little high up on his thigh. Tom doesn't mind. One of his favorite things is how willing you are to take pictures. You know that Tom is a photographer and enjoys taking pictures of his friends. So if the two of you are out somewhere and Tom asks if he can take a picture? That's totally normal! You see nothing wrong with the fact that Tom has an album filled with pictures of you, even if some of them are at.... risqué angles.

Edd wouldn't feel guilty at all. He'd eat that shit up! Like Tom, he also loves that you're physically affectionate! He'll reciprocate happily, putting his hands on you whenever he can. Hugs that last a little longer than normal, sliding his hands up your back or down your sides. He'd wrap his arm around your waist in public, resting his hand on your hip. He doesn't want you to get lost! This is a big crowd, after all. You could get separated. Edd is very naturally possessive, so if you're out somewhere and he notices some guys looking at you, he'll get extra handsy. You just giggle and playfully swat at him, but don't push him away. It inflates his ego so much. Around the house, he'll pick you up randomly while bantering with you. If you start to get too feisty for his tastes, he'll hoist you over his shoulder and pinch your thighs, making you squeal. It's just a coincidence that he does it whenever you're wearing those short athletic shorts that barely cover your thighs! And if he insists on laying his head on your lap while you two are watching TV on the couch? That's nothing out of the ordinary! He's comfortable!

Tord is absolutely the worst about it. He's unashamed about it. If you're nonchalant about changing in front of him, he's nonchalant about watching. Doesn't try to justify it in his head. Doesn't see it as anything wrong - if you don't mind, why is there a problem? In public, it's mostly just him putting his hand on the small of your back. Maybe his fingers will drift down just a little, tease at the waistband of your pants. If he sees someone that he recognizes as competition, he'll press himself up flush to your back to flaunt his claim over you. It's not his fault if he's pressed close enough that you can feel every inch of him. In private, during those late nights where you're watching anime in his room, he gets clingy. He'll sit with his back against the pillows, letting you lay between his legs with your head against his stomach. His hands will trace up and down your sides. Fingers will make shapes along your bare skin, reveling in the goosebumps you get. In the dark of his room, he'll lean down to whisper in your ear, bury his face in your shoulder so he has an excuse to trace his lips along your skin. If you're the type to playfully nip and bite, he'll do it back, grinning when he hears your breath hitch. You never talk about it in the morning. After all, inhibitions leave within the night.

[mrsdillonx]

MY OUTSIDERS OC!

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

Name: Nadine “Cherry” Miller

Age: 16 1/2

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’5

Race: White

Class: Greaser

Status: Works at the Dingo, sometimes helps at Bucks bar

Family: Lives alone, alcoholic father, druggie mother, little brother passed away from cancer when he was younger, sees Johnny and Pony as her little brothers

Bestfriends: Johnny Cade, Ponyboy Curtis, Angela Shepherd, Tim Shepherd, Buck Merrill

Friends: Darry Curtis, Two-Bit Matthews, Steve Randle, Soda Curtis

S/O: Dallas Winston

Appearance: dark red hair, bright green eyes, button nose, cupids bow lips, really pretty long eyelashes, fairly small build (considering growing up without a full meal nearly everyday, shes used to not eating a lot) a bit of muscle, small tattoo of a star on her hip bone (the only person you ever see this was Dallas), pale ish skin, american and irish ethnicity, natural soft, sad, doe eyes

Likes: rain, laying in bed, reading, writing (kept a secret), late night drives, smoking with Dallas, comfortable silence, playing guitar

Dislikes: thunderstorms, alcohol, socs, her boss, Dallas when he’s drunk

Personality: shes soft, but can be feisty when need be. occasionally snapping and losing her temper. shes usually quiet as well. shes got a really pretty smile that can light up the room immediately, but it takes a bit to make her smile. shes also every sensitive, but would never act on her emotions. (ex. if someone yelled at her for something small, she would immediately take it personally to heart, but would never say anything in the future) shes kinda like dallas, she wont ever talk to you about whats going on inside her head unless you make her. naturally caring, she cant help it when all the boys come back after a rumble and shes jumping from person to person, Dallas finally getting her to sit down after 30 minutes of running around, just for her to jump back up when someone makes the slightest uncomfortable look or sound. surprisingly good with manners. cops scare her since they were always in and out of her house as a kid.

Favorite Color: Dark red (ironic)

Birthday: November 10th, 1951

Fun Facts:

she was born in Chicago, Illinois and moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma after her little brother passed

picks at her cuticles when shes anxious or nervous

always picking at her lips

the only person to ever call you Nadine was your brother, anyone else who tries to, gets punched in the throat

had severe ptsd from her mom and dad

loves elvis presley, creedance clearwater revival, the mamas and the papas, cass elliot, and ray charles

has a small black floppy eared bunny stuffed animal that her grandma gifted her when she was little. when Dallas isnt around she cuddles that thing for dear life

her dad owned a bar and her mom owned a tattoo shop, so shes picked up on a few “hood” things

ABSOLUTELY SUCKS at baking but is THE BEST at cooking

hated hugs. the only person aloud to hug her is Dallas, Pony and Johnny, anyone else is crossing the worst line

parties trigger her, not because of the loud music but because of the alcohol (fucked childhood.)

cannot sleep in dead silence

gets sick really easily

secretly has baby fever

[seancamerons]

so last nights episode shed some light on somethings and here's some of my thoughts on last nights cruel summer.

mallory could be just as obsessed with kate as jeannette was but for different reasons.

where jeanette seems idolize or want to emulate elements from kate's life, despite knowing nothing about her life - mallory clearly has some issues with kate from the beginning when she said, "i used to really dislike you" the first time her and kate talked after therapy why tho? because she's either jealous that from the outside she's got it all even a pony at her birthday or she dislikes and its everything that mallory hates because she doesn't have that.

plus once kate became 'different' or 'dark' or renting horror films and stuff is when mallory took an interest in her. it seems like corrupting kate and further driving the wedge between her mom and herself jeanette seems to like that, just something to note.

sidenote - i don't really like how kate's mom treats kate at all tbh

i'm curious as to why mallory used to dislike kate. idk perhaps they used to be friends (attended a birthday party with the pony) and then something happened either middle school or a fallout the complexities of popularity or whatever it was and then when kate went thru everything she went thru mallory felt sort of like 'this girl needs a friend' and since she was abandoned.

mallory and kate's friendship however does have me thinking at times it could be a genuine thing but mallory seems to take a lot of swings at kate's mom who i really don't think is a nice person but sometimes moms know when someone isn't completely 100% genuine, i mean look at cindy and jeanette's situation. cindy knew jeanette isn't completely honest with things.

but when kate has a hard time with mom somehow always mallory is there for her. mallory might not be the easiest person to get along with she's a bit dominant and bossy and out there but sometimes people have the wrong idea about people before they become friends. sometimes the best friends come from people's first impressions being negative to being a friend down the line.

could her dislike for kate be as simple as having been rich daughter of a football player when mallory it's been mentioned has a strained relationship with mom and dad isnt in the picture. seeing kate fight her parents vicariously could bring her comfort because she's driving that wedge to where they're more alike as friends.

last nights ep it also shed some light on kate's stepfather who we don't know all that much about. he feels kate's mom takes complete control of situations and he mentioned that they wouldn't work if kate's mom keeps leaving him out in a way, bc when he married her he also considers kate part of his family and kate's mom joy likes to say he's not her father or discounts because he's not biologically her dad he has no say. he seems to be the only person on kate's side where her mom is using weird tactics such as being the one who printed liar letter but he also thinks it could be good for her to see marcia bailey's show.

i think a part of the reason kate was hesitant to go on is because there's a lot of holes in her story if she went to his place willingly she wasn't abducted but she was taken as a prisoner because eventually she wanted to leave but martin had a lot of power in the situation because he was grooming her to trust him. so then she revealed that kate was seen by jeannette and she named her on national tv causing the case against her. i don't want to say kate brought it upon herself but kate has been victimized by martin but maybe she's trying to deflect that she initally came to martin for help or safety from her mom but he manipulated the situation for his benefit.

this show seems explores the different degrees of obsession from martin's type of obsession the most dangerous of all, then mallory's hateful or vengeance obsession perhaps or attachment to kate, and lastly jeanette's admiration and emulating her and hopes to maybe even befriend kate only to be thrown under the bus and becoming a social pariah.

in kate's absence jeanette changed and while we don't know what happened between her vincent and mallory before this happened unless she ghosted them for the two bobspy twins and kate's boyfriend, but kate also changed too in the aftermath once she returned and even in capitivity.

in 1993, kate was a genuine person. she saw the good in people and now it seesm like kate has established herself most victimized of all but it's not her under the microscope it's jeanette. it's kind of tragic. jeanette is so hated she can't leave her house, did the punishment fit the crime? i don't think jeanette deserves the hatred she's recieving. the harassments the death threats none of that. kate told marcia bailey (and the world) something to deflect that there is a huge discrepancy in her story and it likely has to do with kate not being kidnapped but going to the house willingly. </sorry this is so long

[tomdiddlyumptious]

A.R| Just cry Already

Summary: did arvin take you on a date- oop.

Warning: slight sexual tension, just a little tense, NOT SEXUAL- terrible flirt, and of course unedited

A/n: smack my ass like a drumb ✌️😌- YALL I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE ABOUT BEING LATE- IM HAVING A FEW PROBLEMS AND I HAVE TO RE WRITE THE SHIT I RIGHT BECAUSE IT SEEMS RUSHED!

Chapters -> one ✨ two 🤠 three ✨ four 🤠 five

Arvin isnt a stalker, he just wanted to know where you live, turns out just across the woods. Lenora called him ‘freakin crazy’ while his grandmother called him ‘in love’. He wants to sneak you out so he does, he grabs his coat and nicer pants, he cleaned himself up, brushed his hair back with some water and brushrd his teeth.

“She is gonna love you man” he says to himself in the mirror, after checking himself out. He grabbed his keys and headed out.

You on the other hnd were right awake, thinking about the preacher and how disrespectful he was. “God he just seems-“ you cut yourself off, you were honestly having the second hand embarrassment, how it is to be in his place.

“Im not falling in fucking love, hes a white boy god dammit” you murmured, the room dark and the door closed while you placed your hands under your ear, closing your eyes.

Until you heard a light knock.

You jumped as you looked out your window, a hat appearing as hands start to open the window, you quickly got up and grabbed your heel. You grabbed the foot of it and held the heel up.

“Oh shit- how hard can it be to open a damn window?” You hear youre guessing a man groan, you walk up to the window and see white hands, your first instinct is to pierce it but you soon realize who it is.

“Shit arvin you scared me! I almost put a whole in your hand!” You whisper yelled as you put down the heel softly to not wake anyone up. You grab his hands and let him inside, softly planting his feet on the ground and looking at you with his chocolate brown eyes that the moon shone on.

“Hey” he let out a chuckle as he looked at you. “My dad is gonna kill me and you, what do you want arvin?” You ask seriously, placing your hands on your hips and honestly missing your bed.

“I-uh wanted to take you on a date- as i said theres a drive through and a movie is playing” “is this your ticket to makeout with me?” “I mean no- but that would be nice” you sigh, then you hear wood creak. “Shit! In the closet- NOW” you whisper yell, pushing him to the closet and closing it, throwing yourself on the bed and under the sheets.

Your door opens as your eyes are wide open, your father entering. “Why are you up? And why is your window open?” “Its hot and my head hurts a bit” “not sneakin boys in here are ya?” He switches on the light looking around in your room. “Now why would i do that, dad?” You let out a giggle. “I dont know, i hope you know your my little girl and your never leaving, ever” he lets out rather harshly. Arvin crinkled his eyebrows and mentally added notes about your father, now understanding what you meant earlier.

You gulp and nod, not wanting to answer. He smiles and turns off the light, closing your door all the way shut before stepping off. Sooner or later the closet door opened with a smiling arvin.

“Get changed! We gotta go!” He whisper yells, you smack your lips and sigh in defeat before getting up and walking over to your closet. “Well you gotta get out!” You say, he raises an eyebrow in confusion “of my closet?” He lets out an ‘ohh’ before standing up and dusting his pants off.

You take out some of your brothers jeans, a tank top and some 2 inch black heels. “Arent women not aloud to wear pants?” “So you arent a feminist?” Arvin lets out a ‘pffft’ “of course i am, Especially for you” “oh shut up and let me change” it became awkward of course as you had to hide yourself from arvin.

Of course you didnt have a bra on, so when you took off your night gown your breats slapped on your stomach, arvin just leaning against the window seal with his arm as he watchs you without hesitation “you are such a creep, i can feel you staring at me” you comment. He only giggles as he watches your back move, your glowing back move to put your black tank top on.

You turn to him and meet his eyes “turn around arvin” “why?” “So i can take off i pants?” “O-oh yeah” you give a smile while he turns around, dropping your pants still facing him you grab the jeans and slide them on.

Arvin really wanted to see you, he knows you arent shapped like these others, he wants to touch and admire you everywhere, every flaw would be his favorite part, he just needed his fingers on you. “You almsot done-“ “look?” You ask, he immediately turns around and meets your dressed body, well you didnt button your pants all the way, he smiled as he looked at you up and down “gorgeous” he licks his lips. “Havent took me on the first date” you remind him making him roll his eyes silently.

You both sat in the car, music distantly playing as he had his hand on your thigh, looking at you for some moments while you looked straight ahead. He looked again and you caught him “what?” You giggle, making him smile and blush “your like, really beautiful- i hope you believe me” you bite your lip and shrug “i dont know just yet”.

He bought you the famous pineapple upside down cake and some Bees Knees, as you guys pulled up in the drive through. “Scary movie, classic move arvin” you rolled your eyes. He only laughed as he continued to look for a spot “do like them?” “Yeah i do, which one is this?” “Only the famous Nosferatu” “cool” he chuckled as he parked his Chevrolet Bel Air in one of the best spots.

“I hope you dont think your getting me tonight” you look at him while he sios his drink, he only shrugs “you dont know” he winks. You smirk but turn away from him as you turn on the radio to the right channel, hearing the movie you grabbed a fork and took a bite out of the pineapple-cake.

About an hour in he tried his best to flirt with you. “Hey y/n” he said, you turned to him as he picked up the same fork you had and took a bite, sexually. You sucked in your lower lip to keep you from laughing as he continued to eat it and make eye contact with you. And then he wasn’t expecting it, you started cackling.

He didn’t understand why as he made sure to lick the fork clean. You were out of breath as he rolled his eyes and clenched his jaw. “I-im so-sorry” you only started to laugh harder “b-but that! I cant-“ “whatever” “dont get mad at me, im sorry” you sucked in your laughs and patted his shoulder, giving a playful frown as he looked back at you with his lips tucked to the side.

“Im not mad, no need to apologize hun” “oh we’re doing pet names?” “I mean, yeah” “alright sweetcheeks” you said as he smacked his lips and couldnt fight the urge smile.

He turned off the radio and turned to you, you had your heels off showing your pretty piggies that arvin laughed at, he looked up at you and seen you smiling at him. “What?” He asks, his cheeks slowly heating up. “Youre beautiful arvin” you complement as his cheeks become scarlet. “Your too sweet” he says back, biting his lip to stop himself from grinning more “well tell me about yourself, will ya?”

“What do you wanna know?” You ask as you lean back, your lower lip popping out over your top. “Your favorite color, movie something like that?” “Well, i like F/C my favorite movie is F/M my favorite food is F/F and i love rainy and cloudy days” “how come?” “My little brother, and because they are relaxing” you sigh and give a small smile.

“Well i like red, i dont really have a favorite movie? I love my grandmas cooking so i also dont have one, but i like sunny days- even though we rarely get those” he chuckles, you place your hand on top of his “how nice” you grin.

“I-i feel so embarrassed- about in church- god” he groans. “Dont be arvin- i dont care and nobdy else does- well i dont mean it like that but you know-“ “yeah” he sighs, relaxing a bit as his legs slightly open, his elbow on the ontop of the closed window as he rested his head on his cheek.

You felt happy but sad, you dont want him to feel that way at all, nobody deserves it, not even the racists deserve it. “Look let go of it, it was a moment and you are moving on” “you say that like it was a week ago” “oh well, arvin”

“So you snuck out last night?” Cloudy asks again for clarification, you look at him annoyed but nodded. He chukcled as he shuck his head “ what?!” You ask, slapping his arm as you guys walked down to the lake for a bit.

“Dad is gonna fucking kill you, do you even like this boy?” “We went in one date! And it was nice, we actually have an emotional connection” “how much?” He asks looking at you. “We talked the whole movie through” “i swear if he-“ “calm the hell down cloudy” you giggle, he only rolls his eyes as he huffs.

“I hope you know no one is gonna be happy” “well I guess im thankful for you” you wrap your arm around his arms, holding his shoulder in your hand and rubbing it some as he chukles. “How was school by the way?” You ask suddenly, he only shrugs as he looks at his moving feet “talk to me cloud”. “I seen lenora around and stuff” “did you talk to her?” “No” you sigh as you shake your head in disappointment.

“Well get out of your comfort zone- do something” you raise your eyebrow at him, slightly annoyed. “And who are you to tell me what to do?” He says, cocking the same eyebrow. “I am your sister, your older sister- the one who-“ “changed my diapers” cloudy mocks, already knowing what you were gonna say.

“Exactly, although we might not be able to do a whole lot of things that doesnt mean we cant bend the rules just a bit, right?” You give him a small smile as he chuckles “you are the exact opposite of dad” “i know- thats why you love me so much” you giggle as you take your hand from his shoulder and start walking normally side by side.

“Hey y/n?” Cloudy asked after a few minutes of silence, he looked at you as you hummed and told him to continue,” you know how you promise me and mom that youre gonna take us out of here?” You looked at him and nodded.

“Do you ever rethink it? Or even think about leaving us?” He hesitated. “Well- i dont pray, i dont work, and i barely help anyone. So sometimes i do think about it- think about if we do get stuck here, if we dont leave and if we are gonna stay miserable” “so yes?” You nod and poke your lower lip out.

“But when you saved lenora- do you think that god seen that as a good sign for you?- like arvin is a good sign?” He asks curiously, you only shrug and bite the side of your lip. “Are you telling me your believing in god now cloud?” You ask him. “I mean- he did make this earth right?”

You stop dead in your tracks and he follows turning to you as you put your hands on his shoulders and gives them a squeeze, making cloudy groan but pay attention. “Look here- i dont care that you belive in god- but what you wont do is put faith in that god damn preacher, ya hear?” You say sternly.

You were never really serious when you talked with cloud, you had no reason to be hard or hate him. Hes your younger brother after all right? But he knew when you gave him those talks he needed to agree, he always puts faith in you and believes what you say because your really all he has.

Dad is manipulative- whatever mom said to him was because dad told her to. When you were young you barely listened so he kinda gave up on you, so when cloudy was born you took him under your wing because you utterly refused for him to be brain washed by the asshole of a dad. Why did your mother even get with your dad? Because she was desperate and vulnerable.

She killed her brother, on purpose. Your uncle is sick- was sick. He tried to touch your mom also- to all the black folks she was the prettiest girl in the small town- and your father took advantage of it. Your mother was always a free woman and doesnt like to be trapped, but as she got older she grew tired and just gave up- just listened- it meant less work for her anyway.

He nodded “yes ma’am”. You give him a weak smile as you find yourself next to the river already. You heard giggles and the water waves as pictures flashed, then a strong punch. You silently slapped your brother as you told him to get down, both crouching knowing you had to get out of there.

“I want you to go the car cloud” you whisper at him, crawling ahead and turning to the bushes, slightly getting a view of the people- of course white people.

“Im not leaving you y/n-“

Shots fired.

“Get your dumbass to to the fuckin car NOW!” You whisper yell, cloud stunned but quickly taking the keys from you and running to the car. You start crawling more and see an old man, well mid-30s with a camera around his neck and a women fixing herself- and of course a dead man bare naked with bloody coming from between his legs.

You sat there, shaking, your hand making its way up to cover your mouth, your eyes widening with shock as they started to take care of it.

Now you knew better then to report it because it only meant bad for you, but what happend- what you just saw is absolutley horrible. You only froze and continued to watch almost forgetting about cloudy, you look back at the parked cars and back at the couple your guessing- but they’ve disappeared.

You took your chance now to run back to the car, lifting your pink dress and running in those combat boots. You saw cloudy basically mesmerized- paying no attention as he just looked ahead- the keys already in and the car started as you just drove away.

Taggie! @jeyramarie

[zombieratt]

Alright so forewarning this is LONG as FUCK specifically because i came up with this idea in early high school and was just today POSESSEd By the Spirit Of Musical Theatre to put it to paper— er Tumblr.

So without further ado:

DEAR EVAN HANSEN BUT EVAN ISNT A TERRIBLE PERSON AND CONNOR LIVES.

the beginning is the same, canon diverges just after waving through a window.

*this ended up getting written is script format? i also just sorta ignore alana’s whole exsistance bc in this version of the play she’s unnecessary*

In the moments before he talks to Connor evan decides to omit Zoe from his letter, having resolved himself to move on from her. (instead of being a hella creep.)

Connor: “dear Evan Hansen,” what are you writing letters to yourself? *he laughs*

Evan: its, uh, its for my therapist. its just a stupid little assignment that she says is supposed to help me process my feelings or— uh or something

Connor: hm. here. * hands Evan the letter*

Connor: your cast. no one’s signed it.

Evan: uh no. no one has.

Connor: gotta sharpie?

Evan: huh?

Connor: gotta sharpie? im gonna sign it.

Evan: *handing the sharpie to Connor* w- whuh uh why?

Connor: *shrugs* feels right.

Evan: i wish i could do that

Connor: what?

Evan: UH, IMEAN—

Connor: no wait- dude.

Evan: i mean uh, i meant that i wish i could just be, y’know impulsive like that.

Connor: Why Cant you be?

Evan: i uh, my heads pretty messed up, and stuff like that just, makes it worse i guess.

Connor: well theres some thing we have in common— were both fucked up in the head.

*the bell rings*

Evan: oh shoot! i missed the bus—

Connor: i’ll give you a ride.

Evan: are you sure i mean i can walk its not far-

Connor: all the more reason, i probably have to pass it on my way home anyway, cmon.

——

they meet Zoe in the parking lot

Zoe: I have Late practice today

Connor: whatever, gotta passenger.

Zoe: who the fuck would be crazy enough to trust your ability to drive?

Evan *being Brave*: Me Apparently?

Zoe: Uh, Evan Right?

Evan: yeah, uh, yeah.

Zoe *holding her hand out to be shaken*: i’m Zoe, we’ve met though right?

Evan wipes his hand on his shirt and shakes it: yeah, uh, nice to formally meet you, Zoe.

Zoe: i’m off, don’t kill him stoner.

Connor: i wont Princess

Evan breathing heavy: that was,, an eventful ten minutes.

Connor: oh fuck— you cool? or—

Evan: Panic Attack.

Connor: Right, uh

Connor: can you get in the car?

Evan: yeah

*car nonsense*

Connor: Can i start driving or do you want me to wait

Evan: Distractions are good,, Can Uh, Can you Talk about Stuff?

Connor: What stuff!??

Evan: any Stuff!

Connor: Is Zoe okay??

Evan: Sure?!

Connor: Uhh we don’t get along as well as we used to?

we were really close as kids, shes a huge asshole now but *fully venting now*

i kind of miss it you know? having someone to talk to and care about— and i still care about her— but its scary and i always fuck it up! not to mention the fact that our parents hate me— make her see me as some alien and not just a fucked up kid who wants to talk and — (more ranting that i dont feel like writing, but its a whole monologue bro)

Evan: Connor

Connor snaps his mouf shut: yeah

Evan: thanks

Connor: oh that, uh actually helped?

Evan: yeah focusing on your voice and whats real and stuff— it makes a difference.

Neither of them noticed that Connor was just sort of Driving. they end up at the park where in canon Connor commits Sewer-slide.

Evan: i didn’t know there was a park here.

Connor: huh, oh, yeah i guess i just sorta auto piloted, i come here to think.

Evan: About stuff?

Connor: Yeah, Stuff.

*the convo lulls*

Connor: do you have a laptop?

Evan: no, i uh, i left it at home? why?

Connor: give me a second

Connor walks to the car and grabs his back pack out of the back seat

Evan watches Quizzically from the swing-set

Connor pulls out a Sketch Pad and Pen, flipping to a clean page.

Connor: So tell me how to write one of those letters of yours.

Evan: uh, well you start like any other letter- just addressing it to yourself

Connor writing: Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan: and uh, my first one was supposed to be about my ideal summer vacation? since i started in middle school- but you don’t have to—

Connor: thats perfect.

Connor starts to sing for forever,

eventually Evan joins in there is a minor gay moment where they’re holding hands face to face.

the song ends with Connor hugging Evan.

Evan: its- its pretty late.

Connor obviously crying: just— just a couple more minutes.

Evan lets go and grabs Connors sketch book of the ground, closing it and handing it off to him: then how about this, labor day weekend- we actually go.

Connor: what are you talking about?

Evan: being spontaneous?

Connor: o-okay.

and it cuts to black.

theres a small montage here, as the set changes to Connor and Evans bedrooms

sincerely, me is a lament in this context, Connor and Evan are duetting from their respective rooms, writing to themselves.

(the lyrics are completely different and i will not be writing them here because thats too much fucking effort.

but they’re duetting from their bedrooms about making a connection to another person, feeling seen, for the first time. what it felt like and how they really want to keep it up but are afraid of making a mistake and ruining it.

its got some themes of waving thru a window, and a little bit of for forever, but its still largely the same notes just in a different key.)

after wards, Zoe knocks on Connors door to tell him dinner is ready to find him peacefully asleep.

requiem is the same, Zoe sees Connor as Dead to Her instead of actually dead, so some of the wording changes, so and so about how a monster doesn’t deserve peaceful rest etcetera.

school day happens, Connor doesn’t die, but the hot goss is that everyone saw Connor and Evan go home together after school, jared makes a shitty homophobic joke to Evan and Evan kind of tells him off about it. they argue and it culminates in Evan saying “well god forbid I’m friends with someone who isn’t YOU!” or smth like tht and it hits jared right the fuck at home man.

Connor says from the side lines: damn that was pretty hard core dude.

Evan: you have, no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that.

Connor honest to god l a u g h s, theres a number of people who hear it and lose their shit, Zoe being one of them: i have a pretty good idea, wanna get some lunch?

Evan: yeah, sure.

this general routine continues until labor day weekend, when they plan to go on their little escape. theres a short scene of Connor leaving the house with his keys and a backpack.

Connors mom confronts Zoe about his oddly upbeat attitude and hows he’s seemed differently lately Zoe Shrugs but decides to investigate his room.

she finds the letters. the first one is for forever, the theme plays as she reads it frantically, and is signed “Sincerely me (connor murphy)” so she knows its him, i f i could tell her begins but its a real duet between Connor and Zoe and at the end she resolves to try harder to connect to him.

Evan sings disappear to Connor after breaking into a formerly public park, in this context its him confessing that he broke his arm attempting su!c!de. Connor records it, for personal reference.

jared hacks Connors phone and steals the video, posting it to yt, in an effort to ruin their friendship.

Evan and Connor get in a little fight about it, and in the meantime Evan is called to the school to give an assembly because hes a phenomenal speaker and Disappear got like 1000000 views over night.

Zoe and Connor bond a little bit in a short scene before the assembly

Zoe: wheres Evan what happened?

Connor: Kleinman Did!

Zoe: what?

Connor: Why Do you care?

Zoe: because! you look happy around him!

Connor: i, i do?

Zoe: yeah? he could tell the worst joke ever written and you’d crack up. i haven’t heard you laugh like that in years Connor, maybe ever.

Connor: oh.

Zoe: Come back inside?

Connor: y, Yeah.

they all perform You Will Be Found together.

end act 1.

(no more dialogue from here i got tired)

to break in a glove is Connor’s dad trying to reconnect with him, it goes mediocrely, but Connor feels like hes being seen by his dad for the first time in years. its said in metaphors, but this is Connors dads way of saying that if Connor is willing to put in the work, so is he. they hug at the end, things are looking up. some talk of therapy is sprinkiled in the dialogue as they walk of stage together.

Only Us is Evan and Connor saying that they saved each other. its loosely romantic, as its a love song, but they don’t out right say that they’re in love or anything, they don’t know if theyre ready for that. its a promise. the song ends with Connor finally apologizing for pushing Evan over at the beginning of the show.

good for you is sung by jared only, as a power ballad, about losing people you didn’t treasure. its his attempt at an apology, but it ultimately fails, since jared is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. this is where jared and Evan go their separate ways.

Evan’s mom comforts him, as he sings words fail, which is about specifically jared, and how their rocky friendship is ruined and Evan pegs himself as the cause, instead of parents or perfect girl he uses metaphors that apply to best friends— maybe more. and talks about how he didn’t try, he was happy so he ignored that jared was hurting, and how that was really shitty of him. but instead of it being a generally somber song the end is lighter, because Connor is there— waving through his front window.

Evans mom sings So Big/So Small as Evan steps out the front door to embrace Connor and they mime talking about jared, hug and take hands. the house moves off stage in preparation for the finale.

Connor and Evan open the finale saying each others names, and sing it together as the test of the cast (minus jared) joins in, Evans mom taking his hand and Zoe Taking Connors, Evans mom the Murphys and Zoe break off to the back where Evan and Connor finish the final “all i see is sky for forever” while looking into each others eyes, and finish the musical by embracing (maybe kissing if thats ur jam).

[themagicaltunaa]

Answer all the questions

well i have nothing to do so sure

1. What have you eaten today? 

some toast for breakfast, leftovers for lunch, and some cereal for dinner

2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant?

never kissed anyone, don't really care about that

3. What color shoes did you last wear?

light grey sneakers

4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week?

Jeremy did, when I was watching his Alien Isolation stream on monday

5. What is your favorite scent?

I love the smell freshly baked goods

6. What is your favorite season? Why?

I love fall. I just love the aesthetic of the season, and my favorite holiday is during fall. I would love to experience it one day

7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel?

lol nope. I was barely able to do it as a kid. If I tried now i’m pretty sure i’ll break something.

8. What color are your nails?

the regular pink color? I don’t paint my nails

9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?

aw geez, uhhh idk maybe like a tiny star or something

10. What is something you find romantic?

i dont know romantic things 

11. Are you happy?

eh

12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad?

no not really

13. Dogs or Cats?

cats. i like dogs too, but sometimes they’re too much to deal with. i’m more comfortable being with cats

15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?

museum

15. What is your style?

my style is “im trying”

16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?

stay up all night to catch up on videos

17. Are you in a relationship or single?

single babeyyyy

18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now?

nothing, because im not attracted to anyone

19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with?

i dont like celebrities

20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what?

i’m pretty sure i’m holding on to a lot of stuff, but I can’t seem to remember anything specific. if this question means metaphorically, the answer still works

21. How did you celebrate last Halloween?

I went to a drive thru haunted house with my 2 friends, and after we got some taco bell and went to the beach to eat our food. we sat there for like 10 minutes before it started to rain on us

22. Have you recently made any big decisions?

nope. I try not to in general , I hate having to make any sort of big decision because I starting stressing 

23. Were you ever in a school play?

I’ve always had stage fright so no

24. What movie would you use to describe your life?

uhhhh, I dont watch enough movies to pick one

25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 

oh there’s plenty of things that I've dreamed of doing, but I just can’t do it because of anxiety 

26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

I dont like sharing

27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex?

uhhh idk? maybe the whole makeup culture thing? but it’s not like it irritates me I just don’t get it. I can’t really think of a second thing

28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex?

too much to list

29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?

fuck if i know

30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?

can’t think of anything rn

31. How long was your longest relationship?

never been in one

32. Have you ever been in love?

pretty sure I have not

33. Are you currently in love?

nope

34. Why did your last relationship end?

see question 31

35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?

not wearing any atm. actually, I just don’t wear jewelry in general

36. When was the last time you cried and why?

I think it was last week? I don’t remember why, it was probably something stupid

37. Name someone pretty.

the anon that sent me this ask

38. What did you receive last Valentines Day?

oh! I got a few gifts from my bestie :)

39. Do you get jealous easily?

no

40. Have you ever been cheated on?

no

41. Do you trust your partner/best friend?

sure

42. Ever had detention?

no because I was a good bean in school

43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city?

city. the countryside sounds nice, but just the thought of being out in the middle of nowhere especially at night makes me nervous 

44. What do people call you?

by my name

45. What was the last book you read?

I do not remember. It’s been years since I’ve read a book

46. How big of a nerd/dork are you?

uhhh idk

47. What kind of music do you listen to?

anything that catches my fancy. I don’t really stick to one kind of genre

48. How tall are you?

my doctor said I’m allowed to say i’m 5′2

49. Do you like kids?

they’re alright. I can handle be around them for a bit, but I would never want to have any 

50. Favorite fruits?

watermelon, starfruit, and tangerines

51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans

52. What’s your earliest memory?

I was like 3-4, and I was at disney world with my family. I remember seeing a stage show of Bear in the Big Blue house, and I remember walking around ToonTown when it still existed

53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you?

i hope not

54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it

55. Do you have a collection of anything?

I used to collect seashells as a kid and I still have some of the collection somewhere in my closet. I wanna start a new collection of something but idk what

56. Do you save money or spend it?

i try to save it

57. What would your dream house be like?

something cozy and not too big, with a cat or 2

58. What top 5 things make you the angriest?

its 11pm at the time of answering this, i really can’t think of anything to fill a list rn

59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face?

see the previous question

60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog. i hate my job anyways so I don’t care

61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I would definitely tell my closest friends, and some of my family members, probably my mom’s side of the family. If I had the money to, I would like to travel to some places that i’ve always wanted to go to. I would have a month to accept that i’m gonna die so i think i would be fine. i’d rather get plenty of time to know i’m dying rather than like last minute. this has been a topic that i’ve been thinking of for a while now, not because I’m like thinking about death or anything, I just need something to kill time with at work

62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

a heart?

63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

aw cmon, I can’t just think of stuff like that on the spot. I don’t even know where I would want to go

64. Do you like the beach?

It’s nice, especially in the early morning when everything is still calm and the beach isn’t packed with people yet

65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special?

no? wtf does someone special mean?

66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it!

Doesn’t everyone have a middle name? But yeah i do and i hate it so im not saying anything

67. Do you talk to yourself?

in my head all the time

68. Describe your hair.

brown, curly, very long because I haven’t cut it in almost a year, it’s very annoying

69. What is the meaning of life.

I wish i knew

70. What is your ideal partner like?

no one

71. Do you want to get married?

no

72. Do you want to have kids?

 ew no

73. Like or dislike your family?

 they’re bearable

74. Are you Chunky or Slim?

I’m more than chunky, i’m just straight up fat

75. Would you consider yourself smart?

lol no. I’m an absolute dumbass

76. What would you change about your life?

everything if i could

77. Religious or Not?

no not really

78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I don’t drink so this would never happen

79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

it sure isnt because no one is there

80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

uhhhh no. I don’t really care tbh

81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

idk

82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

i’m not opening the door because no one is there

83. Do you like when people play with your hair?

ehh not really. It’ll just make it frizzy

84. Do you like bubble baths?

no

85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?

I need to drive in order for that to happen

86. Have you ever danced in the rain?

no. its not fun getting soaked in the rain

87. Do you trust anyone with your life?

not really? 

88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

why does god allow suffering

89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week)

1.greece

2. peru

3.disney world only because I have not been to all the parks yet, also i can bug my brother while i’m there

theres a lot more but i’m too tired to fill out the rest of the list

90. How was your day today?

it was fine

91. Play an instrument?

used to play mellophone/french horn in band in high school. after I graduated I haven’t touched an instrument since

92. Describe the what you think of the ocean.

it’s scary

93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

aliens as anything that counts as a living organism not of this world, not green little men from mars nonsense. the universe is too big for only life to be on earth. for ghosts, i’m still iffy about them, but that doesn’t mean i’m gonna start walking around haunted places and call the ghosts a bitch

94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be?

abosolutely not. every day I regret all the decisions i’ve made through my life. does that mean I’m trying to fix said mistakes or try not to do them again? lol no 

95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side?

in my mind i do. I’m too scared of everyone to actually do it

96. When are you vulnerable?

always

97. How much free time do you have?

doesn’t feel like much. saturday and sunday go by way too fast and i feel like when i go home from work theres just not enough to relax. im tired all the time

98. Do you like to go hiking?

never been

99. Odd or Even Numbers?

even

100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities?

no because I actually have self preservation. I am also a very big chicken

[myvelouri]

I'm literally not coming back

You let me suffer badly when I knew something was wrong and knew you were being shady as shit. I knew it. You hid the truth, I knew that wasn't your friend calling. I knew it. And I begged and begged to see the phone and for you to flash the screen, I begged. You actually had the nerve to give me that disgusted "really?" Face that implied that I'm being invasive and shitty to your privacy, you literally tried to manipulate me there. You let me suffer. You came back from calling him back and I was there shaking in anxiety. And THIS visit to you was FOR you to COMFORT me cause I had a horrible day at work. You could have come clean

You did NOT. I REPEAT, YOU DID FUCKING -NOT- lie to me to PROTECT me or my feelings or because you thought telling me the truth would give me horrible Anxiety, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING YOU WERE CAUSING ME VISIBLE ANXIETY THAT WAS WORSE THAN HAD YOU JUST TOLD ME THE TRUTH

No, you lied for selfish reasons. Cause you wanted to talk to him. You cheated. You changed your ex's name to your girl best friend's name.

I'm not coming back to you. That's not even all you did. For a month you cheated. You said you went to Grandma's but really went to go see him. I knew everything was wrong, it was obvious, and the distance and how you would disappear for hours without any response. Totally unlike you. And I SUFFERED for months. At many points I caught you and you still lied. At one point I begged crying if you're seein someone else please just tell me and let me go because this is too much torture, this is too much, I can't take it, and I was begging and crying, pleading to be let go and given the truth! I wanted the suffering to end, it was pure brutal abuse.

All the lies. And then the lies on top of that. And when I straight up caught you you still lied and cried with me.... Soon to find out you lied about that too. I avoided you and you cried at work chasing me down. You kept up the same lie until finally over weeks later you finally told me the truth and that I was correct and you indeed HAD seen him by driving down to him.

And me talking to you each time you'd call me on your way back, I'd call you out saying I don't think you're coming from Grandma's. You lied. You kept that going. That story. Then I found out more. Correlated times and messages and finally told you it makes no sense. You continued to lie. Then finally spilled some truth and changed your story that you indeed saw him. Finally after weeks you, after making me suffer with lies and anxiety, you admitted I was right when I had to beg and persuade you for it. Every time, I had to use some kind of silver tongue to get it out of you and this happened for extremely way too many incidents and stories. You lied about all of them. So bad. And I caught on.

Then you lied about that night you actually cheated. After weeks of me pestering and knowing I know more, which I did, the truth came out. And you indeed went to a party to drink with your ex, celebrated your 4 year anniversary with him even though we been together the past year, you in fact DID plan to go see him and it wasn't that you HAPPEN to go cause you thought I broke up with you. That was such a farce. Totally manipulative. But I TOLD you I knew you were planning to go to that party anyway, I fucking asked you why you got all prettied up that literal day before you vanished.

And you let him kiss you. Your excuses being that you were drunk.

No.

Unacceptable

I am not coming back to you. You're crying, begging. I don't understand why.

You made me suffer way more than you're suffering now.

Especially the months where you were distant and suddenly stopped coming over and stopped calling so so much. You even started treating me like a piece of shit. And I knew something was wrong when every off day you had you "had" to go to "grandma's"

I'm only lucky I figured everything out because I'm smart. Smarter than you.

But.

What pain it is.

The giveaway was when I asked you where you were when I was on my break from work... Outside your house. And you said you were asleep... At home. Bitch your car wasn't even there.

Fuck you.

And I saw how much you were messaging your girl best friend. The thread you deleted upon me asking. Which was really suspicious.

I hate your fucking guts

I wonder how far you took the cheating

I'm not coming back

What disgusts me too is that one day I came to see you for your lunch. I picked you up and bought you fucking food, at the same time your phone was blowing up. And I was like oh it's your gal friend, you can pick up, I'm just ordering food. And you said no, time with me is "PRECIOUS" and you wantsl to spend it with me and will talk to her later. Every time? That's bull.

And you were texting him (saved under your girl best friend's name) non-stop while I'M BUYING YOU FUCKING FOOD. PLOT TWIST THAT I ASSUMED, YOUR GAL FRIEND ISNT YOUR GAL FRIEND, ITS YOUR EX WHO YOU CHANGED THE NAME TO A GIRL'S NAME. THAT'S FUCKED UP

I knew there was something sinister going on.

Anyway I buy you food. And suddenly a lil bit into the drive you step OUT and I'm like wtf? What's wrong? Get back in?? Your car is far from here.

I drove along side you walking....confused and worried...

So suspicious

I saw you get to your car. My hunch was to follow you and see you and to see if you're talking to someone. Sure enough you were animated and talking on the phone. I fucking knew it. And when you got out and went to work I was right there and you laughed at me and said "hahaha are you confused? I just wanted to fuck with you" and acted like that was a prank. You didn't know I saw you on the phone. You really tried to manipulate me by making me believe this was a prank. Sorry dumbfuck, I am smart as fuck. I called you out on it. And you asked "so were you confused?" And I said "no" and then said "I know why" and she said "what?" And I said you just wanted to call back. And she said what? What makes you say that? I said "I know you were talking to someone on the phone" and you replied "ohhh lol, I butt dialed" and I said "you never butt dial. Ever." And I asked "who?" And you said it was your girl best friend.

Dude.

I knew you were lying.

I actually had his number already, and I tried to get to your phone to see what her number was saved under. You're lucky I never got the chance. What's the point when I already know though. You still lied about it.

You lie so much. You lied about everything.

And that day I was freaking out from anxiety cause I KNEW you weren't really where you said you were and the first time I TRULY knew you were DEFINITELY cheating on me. I had to be sent home because I became incapacitated. That's how bad my anxiety got that day. You fucking bitch.

And I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I came over. You said your mom ordered Domino's and you picked it up. I slept with you that night..and you showed me the Domino's box all happy and said "see?? Look haha!" And I said yeah. Cool... And I woke up the next morning, you outstretched your arms and I leaned in... Right above you was the Domino's box... And on the box... Was... His name... And I jumped away from you so fast. You were confused. I was leaving..you stopped me and explained it was your ex who called and said to pick up with Domino's as a farewell gift. That he called and you should have let me know, it's what you said. But you didn't. We both cried and went deep into feels. And I trusted you. EVERYTHING you said and I believed you mostly. That you just wanted to keep it to yourself without hurting me. Which isn't okay. But I listened.

And then I found out that was a lie too. I used a love coupon you gave me and on it I wrote "the truth" and gave it to you. You said okay I'll tell you the truth. We sat in the car at lunch. You said okay, you actually did meet him up..it was just to meet for closure, for him. The last time you'll see him you said.

But that all turned out to be a lie too. You did not meet at this Domino's briefly. Finally weeks later I found out you indeed drove all the way to him and spent the day with him. You lying sack of shit

Why would I take you back?

I'm not even done.

I need to write a part two

I don't give a shit if my ex sees this or not. You were so upset at the thought of anyone reading this diary of mine.

You went behind my back and WERE texting your ex everyday. Obviously that's where the distance was emanating from. You were cheating since September. I felt it. You act like you only texted him now to comfort him. That's bull

You were talking talking.

Especially with all the lies.

As if I'd believe you.

And then finally when all this came to a head and most was revealed. I broke up with you and was trying to say goodbye forever and you cried and wouldn't let me. Outside your house. You chased me. We talked and cried for so long. You said you were going to spend the night at your gal best friend's house and get drunk

This was your last chance. We were talking normal that night. I said let's just take the night to ourselves but keep messaging. You chased me down to my car because you were fighting for me. It made me feel like, true love, I opened my heart for you again. And then I left. You drove to the park thinking I was there. Freaking out. Then you drove to my house, freaking out.. cause you thought I left forever. No. I was caring and said drive safe and text me. And I said I'll text your friend too. Just stay safe. good God, why am I this sweet and caring still after everything? And you're already saying you're going to get drunk so what I knew was going to happen, happened. You vanished. You disappeared..I said I knew it. And for hours and a day you spent the night who knows where. You kept saying you were with her. For days..you kept that lie. I knew it was. I found out that finally you did indeed go to a party and your ex was there. You make up that your friends kept him at Bay.

I think it's bullshit, you made me suffer thinking you died. You blocked my number that night. I called a lot. You always tell me to do that. I left a voicemail. When I asked to see your phone to see the voicemail since you were showing and explaining... I didn't see my voicemail..I asked if she saw it. It was heartfelt and had my final goodbye in it. And I scrolled down. I saw "blocked messages" and in it was the very voicemail I had been talking about. Wow. Your bitch ass blocked me when I was worried and crying. The reason I said I'd text your friend is because I was worried about you cause you were being suicidal a bit. I thought you died. The next day at work I cried freaking out but I totally had already assumed you betrayed my last chance and trust and spent the night with your ex, fucked, cheated, everything. And that same night you said let's run away for a night to Galveston or anywhere. I couldn't... I had work... Dude...

But I know you're still lying about that.

I am pretty sure you fucked up. Cause you admitted to it but then took it back because you say you only just said that because you say "it seems that's what you want to hear." No, you have a very real fear of losing me. So I think you KNOW I'll block you forever if you truly admit you fucked him. And you know what, until you admit the truth? I just.. I don't know

And this is all lies after you PROMISED no more lies.

I need to write a part two. This is so much already

[shiro-0197]

Oh I'm so glad to know that you were able to sleep in!! You got your new year's rest :D that's true 😿😿 but I'm feeling better now. Abigail just dropped me home. The surprise place was actually McDonald's 😝😝 we did the drive thru and sat in the parking lot to eat for a while, and then she took me to her boyfriend's house because she had to pick something up, while I played with Gordon😭😭‼️‼️💖, and just chatted with his older bro. It was nice.

I know!! They're so aesthetically pleasing oh gosh. I've been obsessed with them lately, and I so badly wanna make a pair. Not like I'd ever know where to wear them, but it'll be a fun project xD wait what???

That's so cool, wasnt he your schoolmate too?? 😮😮 That's a real coincidence tho tbh haha AHH no you're not his dog 😾😾 just his soulmate or something, 😣💖💖💖💖💖💖

bones go brr, BUT OKAY OKAY I PROMISE I SHALL NEVER DO IT AGAIN 😣💖💖💖💖💖👀

awww. I feel the same way when I get moody in front of my mom. I can't deal with emotions like normal, so when I'm sad or mad or angry, I don't scream or anything, I just get so quiet and don't talk, and I really really wanna change that and start communicating better. It happens rarely, but I want it to completely stop.im also sure your mom knows you don't mean to, and that it just happens in the heat of the moment, so don't beat yourself up over it, bae 😭💖

well, I don't know what you look like, but I DO KNOW you're the cutest to me <3

Oh it tastes like that, I think. And yeah I hope you do enjoy it when you taste it someday :D and that's really so cool, you'll be able to eat anything without problem then, you're so lucky >.<

awww that's a shame 😿 if you don't mind me asking, what's your ethnicity? I'm actually half Indian, but I'm mixed, as I also take after my Chinese and Portuguese grandmothers. And yes I find culture immensely cool, and I always love learning about different cultures.

THAT IS INDEED WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR!! and I'm so so glad you'll do that if you ever wanna rant :>

OMG NICE!! SNACKS!! YUM!! and random guy?? ALSO NICE!! 😼😼😼😼😼 Why'd you say that :(( who knows, maybe you guys will talk again?? He did wish you after all ;)

I hope your day went well!! Did you guys have fun?, (I also hope that this sandwich was better xD)

I'm looking forward to that meetup too!! We'll countdown together it'll be so fun <3 I have that stupid presidency round table in a few minutes so I'm gonna shower before it so I can get back to money heist as soon as it's done 😭 I love you too bae !! 💖💖💖✨

—a person who loves you

Yep, I skipped my first morning of 2021 XD it was pretty nice, though I still woke up a bit sleepy for some reason and was a bit tired till noon. Still good😌

Wow, I'd love to go to a McDonald's one day😩 We're gonna have a date in there when we meet 😡 after the other ones we planned kwqkkkdk

That sounds so nice!! And you got to see Gordon yayy😭😭😭❤ that sounds like a good day, I'm glad!!

True true, like what are they even for... fingers are the first part to get cold so like uhhh. But they're still so awesome and I also wanna wear them on an autumn day or something, just so I can look a little hotter😝😝

Actually, he isnt my schoolmate, he's in the same school, but its in a different city, you know? I hope that makes sense, ask me if you're confused though hehe~

Noooo dont call us soulmates that's weird, how about... Twins? Yeah, twins with an age gap😭😭 a but offtopic, but during the call we had talked about how we should make a person that has all the traits we share, which is a lot, starting from our love for cheese, to our family conditions XD it's kinda scary how similar we are lmao, I guess that's a Scorpio thing. At least we have someone who actually relates, which is cool

Ohh, i see!! You're right, it's really better to start talking things out, because otherwise it's just gonna get worse... I wish you the best in that! I'm sure you can do this<3

I really hope so. She's been through a lot and I dont wanna add to that:( Thank you, hehe♡

Hmm about that, I'm not really comfortable with showing my pictures, but Kuro said he could try to make me in Artbreeder once he gets a hold of it (because as of now he has absolutely no idea how to use it ejejjsjf) so you might see how I look🤭 I'll make sure it looks like 90% of me, at least hehe. You're still cuter😡

I'm half Russian, half Kazakh! It's a miracle how I'm not the same ethnicity as Kuro, really. That's so cool!! All of my relatives are either Kazakh or Russian, though someone from my father's side is Uzbek, but I've seen them, like, once. It's a shame I hate my father, I'd get to meet that person. I heard that they constantly travel to Turkey with their family, I wish I was with them😭😭😭

Fairrr, maybe we will. We have the same interest so maybe we'll interact somehow XD he seems cool, as he had passed the vibe check, so I hope that he messages me sometimes.

We did!! Kuro kept on talking about the dream he had (he doesnt have those often, so it's really awesome to hear him talk about it!!!) and tbh it was so cute XD my favorite part was how him and someone he doesnt remember (he likes to think it was Shoyo😭 my son) tried making a cake, but one of the eggs hatched and they panicked. Then they raised the chick together. It was so funny I'm surprised I didnt choke on the sandwich. Oh yeah, ut was pretty good!! Better than the one that had lied about its spiciness. At least this one wasnt filled with lies😒 it was filled with a really nice sauce instead, it was like a mix of ketchup, mayo and mustard. Weird, but I'm also weird so I loved it xD

Ohhh sounds lovely, I'm gonna count in mixed languages because ima show off like that😙

I hope the meetup went well and that you're enjoying your watch!! Love you too, sugar, good night💕💞

[sargentr]

so i reread the dream thieves a while back and i wrote down some stuff i hadn’t really noticed/paid that much attention to. some of them are mere observations others are just me. Fangirling. as one does:

* ronan's first love was his family

* adam tried his best to make things work with blue, just like everything else he had tried in his life

* gansey is very well aware of his privilege and wealth 

* ronan has two weaknesses: niall lynch and adam parrish

* noah was there for ronan is ways not even ronan realized

* when ronan was filled with anger for a reason i cant remember, he relaxed a bit when gansey, beside him, answered his phone and said "hey" into it, meaning it was adam. (this is from ronans pov) like!!! theyre so comfortable around each other can i leave

* adam was so furious at gansey for thinking he had made the st agnes bill easier for him that he didnt realize that it had ronan written all over it

* gansey was such a light hearted and carefree person that there was not a single person in aglionby who did not know who he was. it is described that while others tried to fit in aglionby, aglionby fit perfectly in gansey. he was the type of person who the teachers would hold for a second after class to show him the article they thought he might like. HE’S BABY.

* gansey and ronan's relationship was not based on communication.

* adam always thought how beautiful all of gansey's things were.

* ronan lynch was one of those things

* gansey often reminded himself how niall lynch's death affected ronan

* ronan would rather die than kill adam

* the image of ronan trying (and lying) to take his life was scarred into gansey like ink

* gansey and ronan fought a night creature and fit perfectly as a team (gansey's pov)

* clue number two of non heterosexual ronan niall lynch: "(blue) wore a dress ronan thought looked like a lampshade. whatever sort of lamp it belonged on, gansey clearly wished he had one. ronan wasn't a fan of lamps."

* ronan lynch is completely and utterly himself the first time he steps foot in the barns

* RONAN REFERRING TO ADAM AS EINSTEIN

* ronan has no chill whatsoever omg when they're in the barns and checking to see if the animals are still alive blue asks ronan to check some of them and he replies to her and adam "you two poverty twins do it"

* confirmed: ronan lynch is a complete cupcake (eg: pressing the small mouse to his cheek to check the heartbeat)

* confirmed: richard gansey is a bigger cupcake for smiling ear to ear while doing the same

* !!!! "and it was his smile that buried ronan"!!!! (referring to gansey and the mouse)

* "... adam replied, his henrietta accent sneaking out, betraying his fatigue. it was something deeper." (ronan's pov)

* second confirm: ronan lynch is a Softie™ (eg: when they were about to leave the barns but ronan whispered so just gansey heard "can i go and see mom?" HE IS ALSO BABY

* OKAY BUT GANSEY AND RONAN THIS ENTIRE BOOK: "i remember when you used to smell like this" referring to when they enter the main house at the barns.

* "ronan loved it so much. he nearly couldn't bare it. he wanted to destroy something." (((this is about the barns. protect this sunshine)))

* when blue saw a picture of a bird in the barns and asked, "are these vultures or crows?" and adam and ronan replied at the same time, "vultures" "crows" NERDS

* "i am being perfectly fucking civil" still to this day, the best thing ronan lynch has ever said.

* "ronan looked at gansey. that look, blue thought. ronan lynch would do anything for gansey" claps slowly

* BONUS: "i probably would, too." thought blue

* matthew lynch was the only thing that made ronan come back himself

* niall left ronan (and only ronan) his entire property

* gansey shops when he's sad

* gansey and adam sharing a LOOK when orla comes in with skin showing

* blue had very few skin showing and gansey wanted to tell he how much he liked hers and not orlas, but then thinking "that's adam's job" what a bean

* how extra can ronan lynch get (a series): making a complete SCENE while opening his car door, sitting inside, closing the door, driving away

* gansey protesting so blue wouldnt go inside the water (bc baby boy probably couldnt handle blue seminaked) and using "you wont be able to see without your eyes getting irritated" as a point

* gansey getting all flustered and reminding himself he'd been looking at orla's naked body for so long but also: HER BIKINI IS SO ORANGE

* clue number two of non heterosexual ronan niall lynch: laughing his ass off about ganseys reaction of orla and said orange bikini

* jealous little blue being furious at gansey for just looking at her

* ronan's pulse fastening when thinking about kavinsky

* ronan smiling to himself and only doing so because there was no one to see it

* noah and blue holding hands at monmouth when gansey and ronan arent there okay look at those two

* "sometimes i pretend im him" "which part?" "alive" PROTECT NOAH CZERNY

* when blue was laying on ganseys bed she though "i have a crush on richard gansey" and the following "i dont have a crush on adam parrish"

* okay but the whole kissing scene is adorably cute and the best part of tdt

* BLUE THINKING "oh, this is what i can't have"

* MATTHEW AND RONAN VISITING THE BARNS AND BOTH OF THEM JUST BEING ADORABLE WITH AURORA AND EACH OTHER

* ronan racing kavinsky and having so many mixed feelings

* adam feeling misplaced in DC and constantly thinking of this fathers abuse and I Cried

* adam and gansey fighting and uhhh sorry dick but DAMN adam

* ronan dreaming he's in kavinskys car and not knowing if he loved it or hated it

* blue's voice over the phone taking gansey's mind off the fight he had with adam

* gansey listing the things ronan is inside his mind so he would be angry at him

* "ronan had charm. it was just buried deep. very deep."

* blue fucking sargent being the badass feminist she is when it didnt occur to adam that maybe blue was into politics

* "you wouldnt have gone someplace without gansey. you two make a grand couple. kiss him!" blue giving zero fucks to adam being douchely sexist

* okay first fuck you adam idiot parrish: "nice blue, gansey was right. you are a raging feminist" FUCK YOU

* okay adam losing his temper and literally thinking of hitting blue this is a matter of EMERGENCY

* ADAM STOP BEING A DICK OH MY GOD HE ALMOST FORCED BLUE INTO KISSING HIM THIS ISNDHDJDHDHD

* like ok i get Mans had a rough past n that violence is the only thing he knows but stief what was ur POINT with this part

* adams enemy being his anger. someone protect him from himself

* when blue and gansey are talking in the pig about adam and ganseys just full of hatred towards adam's parents, "who has he ever had to love him? ever?"

* okay but richard campbell gansey the third is a complete and utter SUNSHINE: when he's overwhelmed by blue and gets out of the pig and starts pacing and then realizing it was rudeish and APOLOGIZING like a fucking KING

* lmao gansey saying "i think he should come to terms with his sexuality" at kavinsky gift to ronan.

* "he wondered if kavinsky was gay. he wondered if she should go to the fourth of july party. he wondered where adam had gone" someone just. keep ronan close and hydrated and healthy and LET HIM BE GAY AND REST

* okay but ronan thinks about kavinsky in a matter that is completely and utterly non platonic

* "the grey man gently threw ronan across the breakfast table" nice maggie

* prepare for dialogue:

"theres nothing here k."

"theres only us. i know what you are"

"thats not enough"

"dont say dick gansey man. hes never gonna be with you. and dont tell me you dont swing that way. im in your head"

"thats not what gansey is to me"

"you didnt say you didnt swing that way"

RONAN SAID, "no, i didnt" ..... gay bitch

* ronan calling adam "adam" when he thinks they're in a dream and just then realizing he isnt

* "i know it was you. the rent, i figured it out" adam parrish just slipping information at the WRONG time

* "he was a brother to a liar and a bother to an angel, son of a dream and son of a dreamer" still to this day the prettiest thing ever

* HIS SECOND SECRET WAS ADAM PARRISH

* "adam furrowed his brows to ronan, as if sensing ronan's eyes on him. ronan looked away"

* im shook this book is so good

[u-l-i-a-n]

Long triggering story ahead

Make sure to check the tags before reading further to keep yourself safe, okay?

Anyways, here’s the story of my abusive friendship that lasted 8 years.

I can pretty confidently say 2017-2018 was the hardest year of my life so far, but it was also the one that set me free from HER (avoiding naming her bc you could definitely find her otherwise)

I’m very very bad at math, so bad that I ended up having to repeat my last year of middle school, and I’d decided to go to the other middle school in the area so i wouldn’t have the same teachers. I was pretty quickly adopted into a fairly large friend group that liked to hang out in the library, SHE was apart of that friend group. she also sat next to me in math class, and we very quickly became friends that were nearly inseparable. 

At this point in time i’d gone a few years without any real friends and my social skills were very poor, as well as my anxiety rendering me nearly mute (it still does this, but it was worse before) as i was the closest with HER, she became my “anchor” in most social situations, where i could be comfortable talking with everyone if she was talking too.

This, was where the abuse started. Where she would playfully hit me in the arm. HARD. every day, multiple times a day. I’d complain and rub my arm and she would dismiss me saying she “hadn’t hit me that hard” (I got it confirmed with another person she let one of her punches out on that it was hard as hell, and lord help you if you hit her back with the same strength)

This went on throughout high-school, along with more and more manipulation, and emotional abuse. If i did something without her approval she would be angry with me, she wanted me to keep my hair long and would get angry when i cut it, even if it looked better. If i was getting new glasses and decided on a style that she hadn’t picked out she’d be angry with me, if i wanted to see a movie she didn’t want it would take weeks of begging and making deals to watch things i had no interest in to appease her.

It was frustrating, and we argued CONSTANTLY on every little thing. She lied, pathologically, and would always try and prove herself right by yelling and hitting me in the arm until i backed down, even on things that were obviously incorrect (like: ”all raccoons are born with rabies, only gay men can get aids, japan is filthy and people shit in the streets, Spanish is the same thing and Mexican” i know, fucking crazy)

*There was one particular event that took place sometime between freshman and junior year, where on the multiple prompting of “she’ll stop hitting you if you hit her back and don’t back down” where I took that advice, and in my bedroom when she was staying over (as she did nearly every weekend, even if i didnt want her to) she’d hit me during an argument and I hit her back, this went back and forth until she got angry and angrier, until suddenly i was on my back with her hands wrapped around my throat. I remember staring at her in the eyes, until slowly she let me go. She said she didn’t know what happened, that she had “blacked out”. She didn’t apologize. I forgave her.

During this time, the friend group that we were apart of bisected and grew in different parts, some being the kids interested in theater and some being interested in other nerdy things, like video games and anime. A lot of the time, the few other friend that i had that weren’t HER often asked me “why are you still friends with her, she treats you like shit” and you may also be wondering at this point “Ulian what the hell why were you still around this person???”

Well, I’d convinced myself that she needed me, like i had once needed her as a buffer and anchor for social interaction, that i somehow owed her my patience and forgiveness for the things she did, and continued to do.

A certain event led to us breaking apart for a time, that event being her handing me a letter after several weeks of telling me how angry she was that i continued to interact with someone she didn’t like (even after she’s lied about the person being mean to her, but at this point i knew over half the things she said were lies) the letter, in briefest terms, was her blaming me and how i acted for her wanting to kill herself. She literally wrote the words “You make me want to kill myself”(hypocritical since her stance on self-harm was that people only did so for attention and people who committed suicide were weak) I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t handle the idea that something i did would have made someone want to die, and couldn’t handle that she’d just slip me a letter about it while at school and expect me to be fine.

My depression got worse, i avoided her for a time and my mental health was bad enough that it had a physical effect on me that other people commented on. I thought i was sick, and missed about a week of school.

eventually, and unfortunately, we made up. With me conditioning that she needed to treat me better, specifically “hey stop hitting me maybe??” and for the most part she did, slowly she stopped hitting me and things were much better. for awhile at least.

skipping forward a bit, we graduated, and she convinced me to go with her to college (we lasted 2 semesters and then stopped). Eventually she convinced me to start working with her at our local grocery store (bad idea) She constantly pointed out that my home life was shit and I was eager to move out of the house, and after finding a third roommate, I was living in the same house as HER (horrible idea)

although her hitting me was now something that happened very rarely, her manipulative tendencies and emotional abuse increased. And also spread to the people around us. While living together, any small mistake i made was blown up out of proportion (like not doing the dishes when she said to even though she never ever did them) and she made it seem as if i was lazy, as if i was childish and needed her in order to function. she made it so the way she treated me made sense to other people, and that i deserved how she was acting towards me.

She even threw me a kiddie themed birthday party for my 21st birthday, with a bunch of baby decorations, like think winnie the pooh themed stuff.

She constantly undermined everything i said or did, made me out to be irresponsible, invaded my privacy by forcing me to let her use my phone and computer and give her access to it, told people my secrets that i told her in confidence and bad mouthed me behind my back (as i found out from our 3rd roommate and also my GRANDMOTHER)

She also made me feel as if I couldn’t return home, that my home life (which isnt great but no one is degrading or hitting me hmmm) was horrible and that i couldn’t go back there, which i later realized was her manipulating me into feeling as if i HAD to stay with her and had no where else to go.

Living with her made all the things she did and the horrible way she treated me pile up, and left me short tempered. I knew that something needed to change, and I thought that I could get through to her and have her change how she was behaving.

We argued again, after the time she had choked me i’d backed down quite a bit, and started hating arguing since i knew she’d never listen to me. This time, once again, i argued and didn’t back down when she yelled at me.

So she SCREAMED at me, loud enough to make the house shake and have my cat try to intervene, and she threw the closest object she could find at me full force (a penny, but still scary as hell in context)

I was quiet, and I waited for a time for her to calm down. i asked “Are we going to talk about this.” and she replied “No.” And i walked out the door.

Because when i get truly, viscerally angry or upset, my response is to remove myself from the problem. I walked out the door into the night to calm myself down, shaken from the realization of the situation i was in and knowing that I couldn’t stay with her.

I began telling our other roommate and her boyfriend about the things she would say to me about them when they weren’t around, I’m not very proud of going against someones trust but at this point i was desperate to have someone on my side and willing to help me get away from her when our lease was up.

During this time she had manipulated me into coming to conclusions that i would NEVER come to on my own, such as thinking our roommate who had clinical depression only wanted attention, which is something that someone who also has depressions and many friends with depression and actively learns and cares for people with mental health issues wouldn’t ever think on my own. its not in me to think badly of other people for no reason, while she (her words) hated everyone around her by default.

eventually our roommate confronted her, and she managed to twist things around and cause a lot of tension, leaving me feeling trapped and hopeless in a house with someone who had the potential to hurt me, and also my pet cat.

She threatened things i cared about and intentionally tried to upset me, specifically threatening my cat, who is a huge emotional support for me. It sounds funny, saying i was upset because she threatened my cat, she and her mom laughed about it. no one laughs when i tell them what she was saying.

Things like “I’m going to hold her down in the drive way and have (roommate) run her over” and “I’m going to shove her in the oven and cook her alive for you to find her when you come home”

Yea, not funny. you can see why i was upset about it. She apparently couldn't, and refused to stop even when i asked her to repeatedly.

She also fully knew that i was pansexual, hell i was the reason she was even slightly okay with people in the LGBT+ community. She wasn’t great about specifically me though, and when i told her about being nonbinary she made fun of my chose name (called me Uvula) and refused to call me by my preferred pronouns.

When I came out to our roommates she said she would never call me by that stupid name or by they/them because i don’t “act nonbinary” (get a load of this guy)

Her last day in the house, she was upset with me for going into her room to take back my heated blanket that she’d taken from my room without permission (my room was cold as hell, i wasn't going to wait for her to come home at 1 am and and she already had a heated mattress pad)

I took it back of course, and our roommate asked what she was upset about (roommate and her bf had bought some food they didn't want to share, which we already discussed was fine) I told her honestly and carefully didn't badmouth HER since she was already mad, and i wanted things to be less stressful.

She blew up at me while we were at work and came for her things that night to go back to her parents house. we took care of her cat until she could figure something out for it.

During this time and the time i last saw her, several things happened, since unfortunately we worked together

She cornered me in the bottle trailer (literally a semi-truck that has bottle returns in it in huge bins. she was standing at the door and could close it at any time) and called me a horrible friend, and also a huge bitch, while we were supposed to be working and she was in a position of power over me. I panicked and said nothing.

She often made me up to an hour late for my lunches, since she was promoted to manager, and liked to skip my breaks and all around treat me like shit compared to every one else.

Despite all of this. . . I still felt as if i could forgive her, if she somehow proved she could do better that i could be friends with her again. Until she ruined that for herself by telling me that my dead father would be dissapointed in the way i was acting.

 No. hell no. I was done, she didn’t deserve my forgiveness. And i finally realized that it wasn’t my job to “fix” her.

When the lease ended I moved back in with my parents, and I quit working at that job in September.

I haven’t seen her in over half a year and many of the people who knew me when she and I were close have commented on how much happier i am, and how much more confident i am in myself.

I’m sure i’ve missed a lot of things, and I know I didn’t really go over the positives of our relationship (There were some! i swear!) but if i did go over everything it would be the length of a novel.

I got away from someone who was hurting me, I decided my happiness was more important than catering to someones every whim, decided that i deserved happiness. And I learned to NEVER let someone treat me like that again, to surround myself with people who make me happy.

I hope, in whatever way, this story of my 8 year horrible friendship helped you.

And if SHE is reading this. . . Go fuck yourself.

[hvlly-blog]

- ̗̀ ❛ muse 22 , kim chungha , she / her . ❜ ̖́- did you hear about the monaco trip ? it’s legendary at ucla. holland “holly” min is going, i’m so jealous. their instagram makes it seem like they’re pretty vivacious and they’re all about an empty locket around a delicate neck  &  strawberry flavored lip gloss. can you believe they’re only twenty-one and they’re going on a free trip to monaco for the summer ? hopefully they don’t let their quixotic side show too much on the trip. 

hello… im xan ( she / her pronouns ) im 21 and its been...200 years since i’ve made an intro post or rped so JSDBJW go easy on me ! fun fact half my keyboard is broken…..so if i take 10 yrs to reply sometimes just kno….a bitch is trying her best ok... literally just winging all of this as i type if u thought i had a plan think again JSDBWB *jungkook vc* lets get it....

pause . before we get it JDBWJDJ we can plot here over ims if discord isnt ur scene !! BUT i am....way more likely to respond to discord messages bc its easier !! so u can find me on there @  A GIRL WITH LUV 💖✨🌙#8172 

idk what is triggering for any of u so if mentions of AGE GAPS, DRUG ABUSE, CAR ACCIDENTS, or SEX ADDICTIONS is sensitive stuff pls proceed with caution !!!

BACKSTORY: so . this is holland but she thinks her name is UGLY so she goes by holly 

she was born and raised in los angeles and her parents both own / run a luxury chain of rehab centers for ppl with $$$ ( u already know i want a plot involving this xx ) they are new money ! so holly really does not understand ... the spoiled lifestyle since her parents raised her pretty conciously on stories abt how they struggled as immigrants coming to a new country & making it & all that jazz

as a kid her parents would host / try to charm a lot of potential donors or clients so they’d make holly “entertain” them like as a kid she’d just be cute or maybe sing a song from chorus or just be impressively well-behaved but the older she got...the more her mom would demand from her /:

as all this was going on her parents started to have issues so instead of working it out.... holly’s dad just started traveling a whole lot to other states & countries where they had a business so growing up he wasn’t really in the picture . rip !

back to holly ! so her mom had a few close business partners and “friends” that where around holly’s family pretty much all the time and there was this one guy who was relatively younger than most of the men but still significantly older than 14 year old holly who had a huge crush. basically this man tried to take advantage of that bc hes UGLY .

one day holly’s mom caught this dude alone with holly and being way too friendly for comfort and instead of flipping on the dude she flipped on holly and was like we could lose our business and i think it’s all ur fault for causing drama” and holly was literally like What the Fuck !!! her mom cut off all ties with the dude but she still made holly feel like it was her own fault woo !!

more stuff her mom did ? yea ! one night when she was 17 she was out with this guy who had celebrity parents just eating at a nice place and drinking after and as he was driving her home, they get into a big car accident. turns out that the guy she had gone to dinner with had a coke addiction & was literally high the whole time & the only reason holly’s mom had set them up was so he’d check into their rehab center bc his famous parents were considering it but she never told holly any of that so holly was PISSED but relatively unharmed from the accident besides some bruising

basically by the time college came a bitch was ready she moved out, trying to have a fresh start away from her home life ! but college was also messy basically over the years holly developed a big dependency issue where she literally...craves attention and intimacy sososo bad bc she never got it from her family so ! she looks for it in other ppl like she needs to feel that validation so bad & she does that with really unhealthy sexual habits low key bordering addiction ! 

oh also ? since her family was never the family vacation type JSBDWJBDJ she’s never left california before so a bitch is VERY excited and if u try to make her feel bad for it . she will tell u to fuck off and let her have this !

PERSONALITY + TIDBITS: honestly one of the most sociable ppl u will ever meet she was literally raised to entertain and please so its super easy for her to make friends !! literally one of those ppl that just.....know everyone and ur like how the fuck !!! an avid social media user...are u even friends if u dont have a snap streak ? not to holly JSBDJWBDJ definitely her guilty pleasure aside from u know...sex ! 

speaking of sex she really.....ho(e)lly gets around ... 100% a chaotic bi but her trust for men is abt at a solid 0 ! she will still desperately seek validation from them though so thats fun ! she can be a gossip bc shes a gemini ... but she never does it on purpose she just ... tells funny stories & realizes half way through she was talking abt a friend’s tinder date horror story ... oops ... share secrets cautiously ! 

for someone who makes friends like its nothing shes pretty hesitant to share any real info abt herself bc she fears being rejected and abandoned ( not just romantically ) more than anything else like shes one of those ppl who ur like “oh yeah i know her!” but if someone asks u to tell them one important thing abt her ur not gonna know wtf to say

also she’s usually very amiable but if ur just .... a horrible person .. shes gonna be honest about it SDBSJWB shes got some strong opinions ! but also very unrealistic expectations in others so a lot of the time shes just ... disappointing herself for hyping u up inside her own head

she was an english major ! bc i love to self insert <3 JSDBJWBJ but she low key wishes she did something with film bc she loves editing videos & making videos abt her friends so if ur her pal ... u 100% have abt 50 videos ur a star in ! she tried to learned to speak french 100% for the aesthetic of it but only remembers like 5 words….she used to play the fucking ukulele but stopped bc her mom was like holly grow UP JSBDSJBJW shes scared of the dark /: like legit scared if she is sleeping alone a light has to stay on....and yea i dont know what else this is long enough JSDBJSWBJW IM SORRY

im out of ... juice UHHH but some basic ideas for plots are stuff to do with her family ( family friends, maybe ur muse or their family is somehow involved with her parent’s rehab center, or ur muse or their family could have been one of those business partners...whew we have possibilities !!! ), shes an only child so i would die for sibling type friendships, hmm also fwbs or just hook up connections bc those can get uhh Dramatic since she is so dependent on sex, also would die for like confidants bc thats rare for holly like sharing her deep feelings or whatever ... enemy plots are sexy but im gonna be real honest here . i suck at purely hateful connections so if u want a mean plot we gotta have depth ! JSXBDSJDB um romatic stuff too also more platonic stuff like best friends or party buddies thats literally enough i’ve been typing for HOURS . plot with me .. or Perish xx

[juncpers-blog]

i am truly the worst at introductions, so i do want to apologize ahead of time asdfg !! on that note, im gi and i am screaming of excitement right now !! its been a minute since ive been excited for a group, and an already open on at that .. anyway asdfj before i start rambling this right here is my baby face juniper and if you want to know more about her dumb ass please keep on reading !! 

╰☆╮ MADISON BEER ─ JUNIPER DUNAY identifies as CISFEMALE and uses SHE AND HER pronouns. they’re a MUSIC ARIST AND SONG WRITER, and they’re only TWENTY ONE ! they’re said to be +ALTRUISTIC, but also -ERRATIC. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE SKOOKUM in the tabloids. (mabel)

trigger warning !! gang mention !! murder mention !!

                                                               the synthesis !!

scribbles on empty pages that equal pain, anger, and struggle. words that had only been meant for one, carved themselves into the brunettes skin the moment air filled her lungs for the first time .. screams into the air, she formed into a fear that driven those around her. a fear that was so powerful, it made even a king cower. her king. the daughter of a man who ran an empire, was vowed to be protected along with her four other siblings who stood beside her. but the life of crime and danger always tugged at their skin, forced their claws into their flesh. it was an eat or being eaten lifestyle, and without choice juniper dunay was thrown in the middle of it. it was her bloodline. and while her mother wanted to protect and shelter, her father wanted to toughen her skin and wrap the chains of their gang around her feet. she was forced into situations by loyalty, by the love she had for of those around her, by the drive that was forced within her. but, this lifestyle was not always for her. the constant fear, the murder, the dirty hands, the loss, the pain, and the anger, it sat on her shoulders like boulders. the pain and anger that latched on to her and her siblings wrist troubled their mother, at first it was an itch, and then it was a rash, and then it ate at her flesh. she was barely skin and mostly bone when she decided to take her twin boys, juniper, and her youngest child out of their fathers arms, lifestyle, and curse.

                                             some important extras !! ; these are mostly for me to keep in memory of but can also be used for plots and whatnot !!

despite being a crime family, the dunay had hide behind the socialite title for decades. being something people that, everyone adores but no one can really get their hands on. basically, think of a celebrity family, the kardashians, the westbrooks and how they live. that was the dunays, but tie in gang ties and there you have them. 

her mother and father split when juniper was young, and despite them not exactly being in his life anymore they could never truly hide from him nor not be connected to him considering how public their family is. 

most people believe the reason for the split, and the children not talking to their father side is because of an affair and despite it not being anywhere near the truth juniper and the rest of them let the media take it and run.  

her oldest twin brother, has started to get back into the lifestyle their mother has done everything in her power to keep them out of- yet despite the knowledge and knowing for a fact that its not something he should be in she has kept his secret out of loyalty and has lied countless of times to not only his mother for him, but her other siblings as well as his friends and others in his life.

she once filled out a police report on her father, exposing everything he has and everything he has done. of course, it came from a place of anger and hurt, and a way to get back at him for not being in her the way she wants him to be. she never actually filed this report considering it could have gotten her into a lot of trouble with her father and his gang, not just trouble put could’ve put her on her death bed.

despite the anger and hatred she has for her father, he still sends her along with his three other kids money each month; while one of the twins refuses to touch it and her mother forbids it… she and her two other siblings have used it to benefit them to help build their careers and fund their startups, lifestyle, buy them new cars, spontaneous trips, and anything else they can get their hands on. considering she has made a living for herself now, she usually takes the money he still sends and donates it.

at five years old, juniper had actually witnessed a murder (the reason her mother removed them from her fathers live) and to this day it still lives on in her head. so bad, that she use to have night terrors (and occasionally still does ).

a lot of their time when people ask her about her father, she changes the subject or gives short answers. its always so hard not to expose him and in all reality she’s mostly just stuck in a state of not knowing how to deal with her emotions when it comes to him and their situation. 

 important career information !! ;

 basically, music was something that came rather early in her life. even as a small child, she had the habit of singing everywhere, everything, all the time..

her interest in music only grew as she did, putting herself in piano lessons and guitars lessons from the moment she was able to express her want to do so. of course, she had other hobbies such as soccer and dance but? music was her number one.

after separating from her father, her mother kind of pushed her children into normal things? encouraged them to do whatever they want. and so, at sixteen when she told her she wanted to be a singer her mom did everything in her power to make that happen. 

her already having created a fanbase from just being a ‘socialite’ breaking out into new industries was?? easier then most have it. 

a year later, age seventeen, juniper released her first single ‘my boy, my town’ that peaked number one on the charts for three weeks. 

she has been singing ever since, and of course growing and learning as a person and an artist. she is currently writing her second album. 

personality !! ;

compassionate, hard loving and big hearted. 

she goes above and beyond the limits for those she loves and feels deeply for.

she will burry your secrets so you dont have to, jump in the darkest of waters with you so you dont have to fight them yourself, will pull you into chaotic nights to keep your mind from straying to all the bad things in life.. she is a giver. 

trust issues are wrapped around her neck, clawing at her flesh. they are heavy on her shoulders, along with the ones she formed from her toxic relationship with her dad. she can be difficult is all. 

she refuses to let anything or anyone defend her and with that, you can nine out of ten times see her ebullient soul forcing its way out of her. 

she is always a super playful person, alway has to be teasing someone. 

she wants to give people around her home and comfort, someone they can depend on.

she is guarded, but its only because she feels everything so deeply. 

once she lets you in, you’re in forever. but when she hurts, she really hurts and when you cross that line you cross that line.

which is funny because she hates attachment but often finds herself getting attached to people. 

she is always on the move !! like if she isnt in the studio shes writing . if she isnt writing she is dragging her friends on trips across the world, endless parties. she seeks excitement, and things to keep her away from her thoughts. 

she holds grudges, and anger. 

you really cant be just anyone to get another chance after doing her wrong.

shes passionate, ambitious, stubborn, sarcastic. 

shes a affectionate drunk, let her live asdfg.

meaningful relationships really mean a lot to her? like she just longs meaningful connections with others. 

she honestly?? just wants to live life to the fullest??

shes also annoying as fuck just a warning ASDFGH

not personality related but !! close friends and family usually call her june and/or juni !! 

please, i absolutely love plotting? and am opening to so many different ideas and connections and everything else. dont be afraid to throw anything at me!! you can find some of her wanted connections here !! and of course know that i can expand on any of these and still have a whole lot more if you dont see anything on there that you like !! so with that, like this to post? or jump the gun and come message me!!

[spellbounding-slytherin]

So, talking about my Novels a bit more....

Hey there its Vira!

Thought I would talk about my novels a bit more, just so you guys know what you all would be getting into.

So, lets talk about Novel 1.

The Rings of Gallilea: Sworn to Rebirth

(Aka: TROG/ TROGSTR)

So here are the main plot points of the novel:

It is the sacred duty of the Celestial Trinity (the Sun, Moon and Earth) to protect the life in their solar system from outside alien threats

An imperial speciest race known as the Cantillians dub Humans inferior to them, thus sparking a war between them the Celestial Trinity.

The nine planets ally themselves with the Celestial Trinity to protect themselves from a God-destroying weapon created by the Cantillians known as the Catalyst.

The Rings of Gallilea are formed in an attempt to protect the solar system.

The goddess of the moon utilizes their influence on humanity to create a re-birthing curse. As long as humanity shares legends of the gods they will not die.

During a battle with the Cantillian emperor (known as the Serpent) Earth is hit by the Catalyst, destroying his physical form.

One-by one the Rings of Gallilea and the Celestial Trinity fall.

Eventually it is only Mercury The god of knowledge, Moon, the goddess of magic and Pluto rhw God of Alchemy left

In order to save humanity, Moon forces Mercury to give her an "unforgettable" curse so she will retain her memories as a goddess.

Moon uses what is left of her magical power to trap the Cantillian emperor in a diffrent dimension, before she is killed.

Moon falls to earth taking on the form of a human infant.

She is found by the son of a former cult leader and raised moon aware of her godly identity.

Out of gratitude, moon grants her new father figure the "Power of The North Star" and shares a magical bond with him

Their mission now, is to locate the fallen Gods and prepare them for the fight against the looming Cantillian threat.

In summary:

The Rings of Gallilea is a magical Sifi adventure, with sub themes of romance, and drama. The message of The Rings of Gallilea is self-sacrifice, defying fate, humility and mercy along with second chances.

Lets meet our cast!

Luna Abyss- our female lead, Luna is the Goddess of the moon and Magic. Before what Luna refers to as "The Fall" she was regal, elegant and refined. Growing up on earth with her drunkard guardian Victor, and running from government officials who seem to pick up on Luna's signals wherever she goes changed her quite a bit. Luna uses her twin blades Artemis and Frigga to fight off the Cantillian forces sent by recon forces. Luna likes dancing to loud music at ungodly hours, getting fast food at midnight, dogs, and exploring places she probably shouldn't.

Terra Greenwood- Our male lead, Terra is the God of Earth, Nature and humanity. Terra grew up with his Grandma after his dad walked out on his drug-addicted mother. Terra is a member of the Apache Indians, and lives on a reservation in Greenville New Mexico. Terra, despite struggling with depression and minor anger issues, dreams of living a normal life. Getting a good education, a well paying job, taking his grandma and moving far away from Greenville....that Is until Luna shows up. Terra fights with his magic spear Gia, and can command Earth and Nature on a whim. While his abilities are still weak, with some training there is no doubt that Terra can return to his former Glory. Terra enjoys driving his old pickup truck down town, while listening to the hard rock radio station, helping his grandma take care of her garden, and hanging out with his best friends Mitchel and John.

Stella Brighton- our rich mean girl archetype. Stella is the goddess of the Sun. Stella grew up in her mother's mansion sheltered away from the middle and lower class, until one day she forms an unlikely friendship with Terra. An Unlikely friendship turns into an unlikely crush and an unlikely romance. That is until Stella's hopes and dreams are crushed when she discovers her mother and Stepfather have planned an arranged marriage for her. Stella breaks off her relationship with Terra and keeps her head held-high. Stella fights with her fiery bow, Apollo, and can spark a wildfire wherever she pleases. Stella enjoys shopping, traveling, taking selfies, and flaunting her status as Student Council President.

Mitchel James- the Nerd boy archetype, Mitchel is the God of Mercury, Knowledge and Communication (arguably revenge as well) As a young lad, Mitchel idolized his dad, who was in the military. Oftentimes it would be him and his mom while his dad was on deployment. Mitchel took a liking to computer science and technology, because thanks to that he was able to keep in touch with his dad even when he was far away. When Mitchel was 8 years old his dad died in active duty, and it wasn’t long until his mom took to a Sugar Baby lifestyle to try and provide for Mitchel without having to get a job. Mitchel is bullied at school for being the scrawny nerd boy, and takes revenge on his bullies by hacking into their computers and leaking their search history. After Luna rolls into town Mitchel's world is flipped upside down. Suddenly he isn’t armed with just brain-power but physical power. Mitchel fights in a way that is unique to the Rings of Gallilea. Mitchel can create Angels to fight as champions for him. He also uses a Chackram named Athena. Mitchel enjoys hacking into local security cameras to see whats up around town, exploring the dark web, arguing with radical political activists on-line.

John Kingsman- The play-boy Archetype, John is the God of Jupiter Kings, and lightning. John lives what is arguably the best life of anyone in the rings. His parents breed police dogs. Meaning his house is always full of puppies. John's dad is a former military officer, and both him and his mom are current police force members. John is the baby in his family, but is held to high standards. Be home before 7, get good grades, and take care of the dogs. John fights with his Claymore Sword, Odin, along with special abilities like lighting and psychological manipulation. John, obviously enjoys taking the dogs for walks, playing basketball, and going to the shooting range with his mom.

Hotaru Kawaguchi- The goth archetype, and Goddess of Saturn, Time and Death. Hotaru's parents immigrated to the United States after the death of Hotaru's older brother, Hikaru. They came here to give the intellectually gifted Hotaru better opportunities as she grew older. To help support her, the family opened a restaurant in the down town area that quickly became one of the most popular spots in town. Hotaru never really got over Hikaru's death, and took comfort in the macabre. Over summer, Hotaru picks up a second job to earn enough money to afford her dream car, working in an occult shop. She also finds herself involved in an unlikely summer romance. Aside from being able to freeze time and communicate with the dead, Hotaru fights with her staff, Hades, that can transform into a scythe. Hotaru loves books and quite sunny spaces, she likes painting, meditation, watching Elvira specials, and helping her mother and father learn better English.

Aries Vailakis- the Jock archetype, God of Mars and war. Just like Stella he too grew up with rich parents. His family comes a from proud Greek heritage, and own a chain of Mediterranean style restaurants. Aries is a star member of the football team, and is expected to take over the family business when he gets out of college. Most people think there isn't much to Aries other than food and football, sometimes Aries thinks that too. But being a competitive teenage god, can lead to some intense shenanigans. Especially when family, love and blackmail are involved. Aries fights with some seriously thick brass knuckles that spit fire. His brass knuckles can also transform into a large shield, Neiro. Aries likes cooking, working out, watching horror movies with his S/O, and very secretly likes looking at minimalist homes in the Greek countryside in homeowner's magazines.

June Smith, the flip Archetype, Goddess of Venus beauty, seduction and battle. June's mom divorced her dad to be with another man when she was young. Years later June would find out she died of cancer without telling her or her father. Needless to say June had a rough start in life. Given that her dad was the high school principal, she couldn't even act out and punch some nerd in the face. In the day light June masquerades as the nerdy turtleneck loving teacher's pet kinda girl. At night June flips ditching her turtle neck for something low cut and preferably leather. Sneaking out under the ruse of sleep or studying, June slips out to hang out on the edge of town with the local biker gang known as the Black Cat Bikers. Junes got the best of both worlds, her dad wrapped around her finger, and her legs wrapped around the back of her boys bikes. June fights with the sword Atalanta, and can change into any weapon June sees fit. June can also manipulate peoples hormones, making them fall for her or anyone. June will never admit it, but she likes wearing pink fluffy sweaters, she also loves getting fucking drunk, going out to see drag shows, sleeping in until noon, and playing with makeup.

Serena Paisley- The hippy archetype- Serena is the Goddess of Neptune, the ocean and family. Serena is the younger twin sister of Heath. Serena grew up close to her mother, who was somewhat of helicopter parent. Serena’s mother owns a brewing company, and is heavily involved in the Greenvile political scene. growing up in a spotlight Serena wanted to use her spotlight to encourage others to do good, and can often be found doing charity work. One big secret Serena has, is that she is a big fan of smoking weed. being a politicians daughter was a stressful job after all. Serena, can command any body of water and has great people skills. Her very loyal weapon is her trident, Namaka. Serena’s hobbies include Yoga, smoking weed, collecting crystals, playing the pan-flute, and thrift store shopping. 

Heath Paisley- The rich boy archetype- Heath is the God of Uranus, Ice, Snow and Vengeance. Heath, is the polar opposite of his sister. He grew up chasing the affections of his long-distance father, who is an actor in Hollywood. Heath has a cold demeanor, and takes a some-what sadistic pleasure in controlling others. He is the student council president at the private school he and Serena attend, Hayden Heights Academy. Heath is secretly insecure about his sexuality, and is in denial about being attracted to men. Heath spends a majority of his time covering for his sisters ‘distasteful shenanigans” in student council meetings, or following in the footsteps of his politician mother. Heath has the power to control Ice, and cold temperatures, he can also force criminals to admit their deeds.Heath fights with twin sickles Poli’Ahu and Endymion.His hobbies include: casual business luncheons, bossing his underclassmen around, and he secretly likes it when his S/O leans over his shoulder while he is trying to work. 

Romeo Barns- The rebel archetype- Romeo is the God of Pluto, Alchemy, and Transformation. Romeo has always felt like a social outcast, specifically because he discovered his godly powers at a young age. Romeo lives with his overly preachy preacher uncle, who believes in only one good god above. Romeo, being a sarcastic little shit, decides he needs to be everything his uncle isn't. Romeo sells weed for the Black Cat Biker Gang, his true "Family". Which is how a filthy little grunge rat like him became friends with Serena Paisley. Roemo's godly body grows organic blade-like structures which he can use to defend himself. His clawed-gauntlets, Thanatos and Cerberus add an extra punch. In his spare time Romeo can be seen around town riding his motorcycle. At night he is out spraying unique and vulgar messages on billboards. At school he likes to read the "boring unpopular books" like Catcher in The Rye and Lord of The Flies, and strumming along to his favorite songs on his base guitar

And thats just novel number 1! I'll make a second post about novel number 2 since this is already a quite lengthy post.

Let me know what you guys think, and if you wanna see more.

See ya later

- Vira!

[girlwithptsd]

Don’t waste your time on me. You’re already the voice inside my head.

-I believe that’s Blink 182 “I Miss You.”

Trying to sort out my thoughts at least a little before therapy today. 

My happiest memory is with this friend who keeps ignoring me, who called me “inconsiderate” and never apologized for it or realized how incredibly inaccurate that is. 

I call it my “dementor-fighting memory,” after the creature in Harry Potter. 

I was an incredibly anxious child and teenager. I’m still a bit of an anxious adult, but I have been improving. I played the violin in my high school orchestra and was about to try out for the state’s All State orchestra. Violin was, and to some extent still is, incredibly important to me. It was what kept me holding on to life, but also kept me in denial of my depression, because I always still held my interest in the violin. 

L was my English teacher at the time. I used to talk to her while doing my homework (and her doing grading and planning) after school nearly every day. I would take the late bus home. She knew exactly how important this was to me, and how obnoxiously anxious I was. 

I was talking to her about it the day I was about to audition after school and she said, “You’ll make it.”

That was it, simple, pure trust that I was going to be okay. She had never heard me play, and in the highly-competitive music program, no one ever said that to me. Not even my own parents said anywhere near such comforting words to me. I walked away for a minute, then ran back and gave L a hug and said, “Thank you.”

The whole bus ride to the audition I thought about what she said and I was more confident in myself than I had ever been. I was finally defeating my auditioning nerves, for the first time in my life. I felt worthy of making it into the orchestra. I felt loved. I decided that that moment was my “dementor-fighting memory” and I smiled. 

I did the best I ever did at an All-State audition that night, and if I had gotten that score the year before when they had more spaces in the orchestra, I would’ve made it in. I was so close. Ultimately, I am okay with that, because I know I did my best and I had someone who believed in me, causing me to believe in myself. 

---------------------------

She was the revelation that my parents weren’t treating me right, a slow, but progressing realization that something was wrong. It took me until college to finally put a name on it, abuse, but L’s kindness was what showed me how I was supposed to be treated, how I should’ve been treated and cared for. 

I will never forget the day in her classroom when she was rearranging poster projects on the wall. She asked me to hold one in place, then moved the ladder over and I stayed put holding that poster. She then said, “Now move over...” I said, “Oh! Sorry!” and she replied, “That’s okay. You can’t read my mind.”

I was stunned. If that had been my mom or dad, they would’ve yelled at me for being stupid and not doing what needed to be done. They would’ve told me how obvious it was that I needed to move over and that I need to think. Or, if I had moved over, they would’ve yelled at me for not asking what they need first. It was always an impossible situation. 

----------------------------------------

So much healing has come from my interactions with L. Even when I first moved out here, that first night after my mom left, she just let me complain about how awful my life had been living with my parents and she told me about the child abuse she went through when she was really young. Fortunately, she stopped seeing her birth father around middle school, and her mom never abused her, so her brain had time to heal before adulthood. 

---------------------------

When I was hospitalized for being suicidal the first time, she promised me, “Every day you’re here, I’m here.” By the second time I was hospitalized, though, she was saying I needed to learn how to do this stuff on my own, which wasn’t totally incorrect, just... devastating. 

------------------------------

I guess I leaned on her for too long, which she sort of said to me, and she even admitted she allowed me to lean on her a lot for a while. I have known L for over 13 years.

I feel like I wore her out.

Because now our friendship is super one-sided, with me being the only one to make plans or reach out. Rarely will L reach out over social media by tagging me in something or sending me something. 

Our friendship isn’t done, but it is less, and part of me does not want to comprehend it.

----------------------

For a long while, her caring words were what fought against the negative self-talk that had been instilled in me by my parents. A lot of my thoughts still come from her.

For example, something so simple, yesterday I was driving home and the radio said something about the weather and I thought, “L wouldn’t like that,” and I was like, Wow. Her thoughts are so engrained in me that even the simplest things are about her. What about my own thoughts? Shouldn’t I value them more?

She is a part of my thoughts constantly throughout the day, without me even fully realizing it. It feels like a disease or an addiction. It’s like those thoughts are the only thing keeping me happy, or at least fighting off the depression. Maybe I do need to do this more on my own, but in a way I hadn’t thought of. 

Maybe I still need to be learn to be comfortable with my own thoughts, and to know that they are powerful enough and worthy enough to fight off the depression, to fight off all the negativity from my parents. 

Because that’s where this all comes from: the years of hurt and abuse from my parents.

I may have never attached onto L as if my life depended on it if it hadn’t been for my parents being so terrible. 

For a while, my life did depend on it. But I am stronger now. I’m starting to realize I have my own value. Maybe the reason this is happening is for me to learn and fully realize for myself my own value, how to be my own person.

I’ll leave you all with some Tori Amos lyrics:

“She’s been everybody else’s girl. Maybe one day she’ll be her own.”

“I hear my voice and it’s been HERE. Silent all these years.”

[katzenflocken]

LA Times

I went to a Halloween party in October and I wrote down my experience in my phone.

A month or so ago I had made the decision that I wanted to attend a Halloween event and ultimately I decided on scream in Edmonton. I had bought the pre-sale ticket without actually knowing who was playing since there was no lineup details but this didn't concern me because I just wanted to go have fun and listen to some jams with cool people. I had calculated the cost of bus and hotel and came up to roughly 700 for a comfortable trip with all the best food/mixed drinks at the show. I had already had my own party favors so this was one of the reasons why I wanted to keep it local in Alberta. But then the lineup got released and I only seen one artist that was potentially going to be "okay" after listening to their SoundCloud. I was feeling very on the fence and on top of that, the party only went until 2am which was making it real hard to justify a long boring ass bus ride for a short night of mostly lame edm music. (No offense to the edm enthusiasts out there)

After some Olympic tier mental gymnastics of being so sure I wanted to go to Scream, I got curious and went to the handy dandy Resident Advisor and looked at shows in Alberta then Vancouver, even Toronto. I didn't see any events I was interested in and I left it at that. Then I got the brilliant and brave idea to possibly venture outside our borders, and a few clicks later I stumbled upon louisahhh's upcoming events and noticed she was playing a show along with boys noize and tbh, it was a no brainer. I had to make this happen. After a few calculations, it was literally going to cost the same as going to Edmonton (600 cdn) but with more spending money required in American. So naturally it was 💯 percent the logical choice. The event was called Minimal Effort which was an all techno show with 4 stages. Like holy shit! This event was most definitely calling my name.

I had told family and a few friends and some them ask me why? I've already vacationed once or twice this year so why a third time? I really don't know why, there is no reason. I just like doing these things. It is true that given the current situation, I better to avoid these such things. but the idea of letting someone's words prevent me from doing something so fun and exciting yet so doable drives me mad. In fact this very idea is what makes it so evident that I am in control of my life. I create the reality I live in and why should I let others shape it for me with manipulating opinions. I would argue I am not living to die, I am dying to live. Personally I don't think it's very odd or strange to do exactly what you put your mind to, so it is in such a context that I wanted to make this trip. I hope people see what I do and feel encouraged or empowered. If I can do it you can too. But everyone isnt me and is open to their own opinion.

So my passport is lightly damaged, a few months after I got it I washed it lol whoops. I've been using it since without incident and it expires pretty quick in early 2019 so I felt confident I will make it on the plane and I did! I flew air Canada btw and their service was very meh. There was also some meean turbulence, other than that it was boring. Planes suck ass and I can't sleep on them. I had bought a roaming plan so I can text and use Google maps like a real Traveller. This was the best decision of the whole trip actually, so get ur phones working guys!

Upon landing I was very nervous because I literally didn't want to pay a lot of money to get downtown where my hostel was. But I asked this Tony hawk looking guy he gave me the rundown and to take the skyaway bus which was like 9 dollars. Hella life saver! I got downtown and got Subway spicy chicken wrap at Union station. Now I taxi'd to my hostel... It was near or in the ghetto. When the man dropped me off it was dark and these yuuuge dogs were jumping at me from the other side of the fence, confirming my suspicion that this is in fact the ghetto. I find the property next door and these dudes are smoking outside, I got their attention and they said to go upstairs and talk to "Champaign". In my head I instantly thought a black drug dealer... But then I was greeted by a slim easy going japanese dude with a samurai ponytail who spoke poor English but still had a friendly vibe. Turns out he is the cook/caretaker. I came on the night they had a dinner party that they hold once a month. Pay 10 dollars and you can eat the food that he was cooking. Champaign cooked for a army and I felt like an asshole because I literally came with a belly full of Subway. I had a few snacks and met the other Traveller's/Tennant's that were residing here. In that exact moment I felt like this is exactly where I needed to be. I was not alone and I was amongst other human beings like myself and we were all brought together by an unknown force all so Champaign can go to bed we knowing no one went to bed hungry. I actually passed out after midnight. Kinda lame but tbh I was wiped out from that hectic almost frantic trip to this hostel. The toppest compliment I give to any hotel/hostel is that this place had the best mattress, apparently they were italian (I asked lol).

Saturday (party day). My goal in the afternoon was to adventure and have a decent meal but it was getting off to a slow start due to me not figuring out where I wanted to go. I was recommended business district and looked up reviews but it was all meh. I want that yummy and probably unhealthy local food locations. The guy also said to take an Uber. Which I was like uhhhhhh iduno man... Maybe. Then as I was just getting ready to leave, this korean guy named Sam asked where I was going and he said "you should check out Korea Town, it's dope!!" And I looked up places and he said "no go here!" And I was like okay. Then he said he'll come with me and show me around after he finishes the laundry. Like a good lad I waited and in between he looked at me and whispered "hey do you do... Stuff" and there are a lot of implications there lol so I had to ask like what? And he pulled a little baggie and my reply was "yeah I like stuff" then did it and the kid lit up like a Christmas tree. He was mad hype folding the towels and then him and Champaign blazed downstairs.

One of the most fascinating yet mundane happenings was that I installed Uber on my phone. While those guys were blasting off I went ahead and gave the Uber a good historic first whirl. Little did I know my life was about to change in that exact moment. In 2 minutes after selecting where I wanted to go the driver was there. Holy shit! The cool part was that I only paid 8 dollars to go to the opposite side of the downtown. I wish I can expand on what I did, but tbh all we did was just walk and talk. It was great because it made me feel more immersed in to the city. Kind of like you had to be there type of experience. Then it was food time, he pointed out a Korean joint and I got a meal and he didn't order anything and then like 10 sides came and then 6 more little plates for the main dish. I told Sam he can have some because this is absurd. As we were eating, I slowly gazed around the place and everyone was just a little bit chubby. Sam told me Koreans don't waste their shit and eat as much as possible... Plus it's America lol. After eating like an animal and totally ruining my white shirt we went to get smokes and the line at 711 was almost way too long. Sam pointed out that everyone was powerballin' it... Then upon paying for the smokes and soda I said "one Powerball please". I had caved in and joined the race. We took an Uber back and the driver was a Mexican mom. She was cute in a grandma kind of way and we talked about there should be a "good news" radio because it's so scary listening to the radio. We laughed and laughed some more while Sam had fell into a Korean BBQ coma.

We get back to the hostel, Sam goes back to work and I have about an hour to get ready/nap before the party. Sam asked if I needed party favors and I took him up on his offer, because I hate asking at parties because it's so sketchy. At this point of the trip I realized everything is going 110% right. Sometimes I feel like I am just lucky because I always find myself in surprising situations and that now it's almost normal to me. My body and mind was totes ready to party, then I almost forget... I have stickers!!! I always have some in my bag and I grabbed at least 50 of them. People always love that shit, plus it makes everything more fun by adding another layer to the party... Lol get it? Layer?!? Aaanyways the one girl showed me how to work the door lock, basically it's an app that registers my phone to the deadbolt... What a game changer! Technology huh?! What a cool place! Then the Uber came and took like 4 dollars to get there, I think I can get used to this LA lifestyle if I ever had the chance. The dude dropped me off and I was proper nervous, made sure to hide my shit good and have my ID, ticket and game face ready because there was like 8 security in front... Also I am a pretty nervous person in general, I may seem cool and collected on the outside but on the inside I am a scared little shaking Chihuahua barking internally.

So I finally made it! All my hard work payed off! The weird thing was the guy didn't even look at my ticket, just my ID. Any Yahoo off the street could have walked in. Butt fuck it, I am here and that's all that matters. Imediately I get a beer... 8 dollars. The shit I put up with tbh, the price I pay for fun is worth it but my goodness is it painful. I wander around the theatre and it is nicely large and open. Not hot!! Can you believe that? The other stages weren't bad, too much to take it all in tbh. I settled at the main stage which was the first one you sent me when you walk in. The first artist playing was a chick, she played some good jam actually so I quite enjoyed her set. The only thing that led me to believe she doesn't actually make music and only is a DJ, was that every track she played I knew. Which is expected from shows like this but she didn't play anything "original", it's not a bad thing but if I was to critique her I'd be disappointed because I am the type of person to be wowed and I like to seek new material. I went for a smoke and met this couple dressed and Vegeta and Bulma, hella rad. They were cool, totally forget their names tho. Met this Mexican dude too who was a little short had crazy contact lenses and had a friendly chat. he was rolling which was cool because I wish I was, I even asked him but he was fresh out. The party started picking up too and louisahhh's set was about to play and I am 3 beers deep so I gotta step up my game. And guess what!? It's Modelo time homie!! Met a dude in a headdress and took a pic with him to piss off other people who are against that bullshit, as long as they are respectful about it I think it's awesome... so @ those who are trying to be offended on purpose, fuck you. Went to the bathroom and dropped my Modelo and the worker watched me do it and didn't say anything and swept it up. I went back to get another normal beer because the Modelo was 9 dollars. They mind as well get the lube ready because they are already fucking me dry. I had run out of party favors at this point because I only had a little but that's not why I am here so I accept that fact and I am just glad to be here. The dancefloor was sticky but as more spills happened it was less annoying and more people came, it made it more bearable lol if that makes sense. The sound was definitely worse at the front of the stage so I found that sweet spot 15 feet back in the zone where the speakers were pointed. 7/10 audio, it's no pk system but hey I don't mind too much! Louisahhh was stepping in and she had a super neat outfit going kind of future/madmax like. Her hair was excellent if I might add. I've always wanted to catch her set but never had the chance until now. I could say it was what I expected, which was basically the same set I've heard her play on other sets I heard from her. It's not a negative but mental gymnastics aside she could have spiced it up some more by playing new shit, like I said. I am just glad to be there.

After louisahhh played her set Boys Noize had stepped in and he opened up with that one song he always does lately lol I forget the name but let me tell you, my body was ready! The "wares" I had bought off Sam at the hostel were already used up but I didn't need any, my body was tingling from the energy in the room. I met the maddest group of lads in the crowd and I gave them a handful of stickers to help me distribute. They loved it! I was also doing "rogue" work by slapping stickers on people without them knowing. The funniest ones were the Dealer and Wasted stickers. The lazers and lights in this place were magnificent. Production was nearly top notch 7.8/10. it's a theatre but they used it as well as they could. I want to describe this experience more but going to a party is the purest chaos you can experience. It almost can't be explained, only witnessed. I honestly love being social at these events. In real life I can be very shy or unwilling to exchange or talk with others. It pains me really, I just love people and I want to make genuine friends but I feel so reluctant to meet new faces because I don't really click that well with others. I know that I am unique and sometimes strange, I am sometimes don't give a fuck but I tend to be antisocial because of paranoia that other people won't like me when they get to know the real me. When I attend rave parties, I tend to feel more free and open because I know the people in attendance are also there for the same reason I am. Obviously this may or may not be a healthy life style but it is very fulfilling in a very emotional way. I may not have that many real life friends but when on the dancefloor everyone is my friends lol that sounds like the gayest shit ever but it's true. Anyways party is still bumping and it's 6 am and I am wiped out, boys Noize played some of the best tracks I heard at awakenings I noticed. Kind of the same shit really. But it was LA so more mainstream crowd. I leave the club and it was so fucking foggy outside, like a horror movie. 2spooky4me. I hit up Uber like 4 blocks away because it was just too crazy in the front of the theatre. I got this younger driver about my age and we talked about McDonald's lol she was fun then I get back to the hostel hungry as fuck. Eated bread and smonked some herb and hit the hay.

Next morning I hung out in the common area. Watched friends and watched Champagne die from smoking weed lol he was my favorite. Cool hostel tbh very home like. I had few hours to myself before my flight so I decided I wanted to go to little Tokyo. I had to say goodbye to the hostel, the guys downstairs gave me a donut lol and I got into the Uber. The guy talked about the dodgers game like I actually give a heck about sports. He dropped me off at the entrance of Little Tokyo. This was actually the most wholesome part of my trip. The first sight of the Japanese style outside mall was kind of exhilarating because LA is mostly just the same everywhere. The buildings and decorations were very refreshing and it was a feast for the eyes. Such beauty. As I continue to explore the small but busy space I feel this feeling of wonder and excitement, it made me feel less hungover if I am being honest. The world I was seeing in that moment was powerfully moving and rich with happiness. I wanted to stay forever. In the centre there was an open space where an older Asian man in a scooter and an array of instrument s in front of him. He had a little sampler Casio and hi hats and maracas. It was like a scene out of the movies where you see those cute moments because he was playing to this couple from China that were standing in front of him and you can hear them talking to the Man in between singing lol, they gave him money to play that song from toy story "skies of blue" or whatever it's called and then at the end he pulled out the maracas and hit them on the cymbals with style. I filmed a little bit of it actually. I ended up eating sushi and chicken katsu outside on the deck and just enjoyed the experience. Alone. Fucking sad actually that I couldn't share my emotion with someone else but I really enjoyed the place. I shop in the anime store and gift shop, got a few things for friends and family then had to rush to the airport. I got to Union station and shuttle to the airport right on time. Slightly early since the flight changed to a later time. I walked around and had some beer and wings then got on the plane. Nice cozy airport experience. My dad picked me up and he was working in siksika that week so I slept in his trailer. It was cold as shit and I was late for work the next day like nothing ever happened lol. Just a quick weekend trip, no big deal. Travelling is so so so much fun, I want others to read or see my adventures and feel somewhat inspired to take more risks and go on their own adventures. Its good to open your eyes and free yourself of your surroundings, especially on the reserve. There's a world out there and there's more to life than the bullshit drama that happens here. I look at the world in wonder and amazement, I know it's a sick and sometimes dangerous place but I make it my world by appreciating it for what it is. Everything is kind of all right. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist but I don't want to die either, doing these things remind me that life can be great so I hope I don't come off braggy or I am acting "too good". I make minimum wage yet I still do all this cool stuff. It's not hard to do, just literally set your mind go and do it . I chase my dreams while others think "what if" lol but yeah do more fun shit guys!!!!