#my partner and i have different futures in mind for ourselves and i don't know if we'll be able to reconcile them into a future together

[gogayhamgo]

It can be very scary to be in love and be loved in return. To be in a relationship and not know if your future will still have them in your arms. But I think that no matter how deep the heartbreak may be, if it does come to pass, that the moments leading up to it are worth every tear that you may cry.

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

the aromantic is confuesed

☆ Aromantic culture is just genuenly not understanding the difference between romantic relationships and platonic friendships.

☆ Fyi: apologies for the plethora of "like," statments, it just feels more natural for some reason. I expect this to possibly get hated on? I dont know, couldnt care less if it dose tho 🤷🏻‍♂️

☆ Like, I just dont understand the concept of cheating. I get its considered bad. I get why its considered bad as its a breach of trust/boundaries/etc, but i dont understand why people prefer to be monogamous as i genuinely just dont see a difference between friends and romantic partners, I get that there is a difference, i respect that differece where people draw it themselves, I just can't see it.

☆ Like, I see the difference between queerplatonic relashionships & friendship, but I just can't distinguish any other type of relashionship & romance for some reason.

☆ And i just dont get why theres a distinction between monogamy & polyamory either? Like, were people? Why not be open to the possibility of feelings not following the preset mold of a random relashionship Hiarchy? Like ofc you can have your own rules in a relashionship, but I just dont get why monogamy with the 1 perfect "other half of you" is the priority vs fulfillment? Like, I don't expect 1 person to be my "other half" for the rest of my life, nor do I want someone to expect that of me cause that just feels like dumping way to many expectations onto 1 person. And like, you can devide yourself amoung multiple friends why not multiple romantic partners?

☆ And i dont get wanting a lifelong relashionship like that? I mean i do get wantinv 1 but expecting 1 i feel is just throwing alot of expectations on anither person, people change, feelings change, alot changes in life. It reminds me of how people are expected to choose what they want to do for the rest of your life as a teenager.

☆ Why r y'all bringing the government into your relashionship? And why do y'all STRIVE for that? Like, "lets officially legaly combine ourselves into a unit and make it real damn difficult if we end up seperating." Why should having a romantic partner logustically help you in life?? Like "hey, these 2 ppl said i do infront of an officiant, lets see if we can improve theyre taxes." How is they're logistically a "making this relashionship official" outside of- consenting parties deciding they're in a relashionship????

☆ Like, everyone was assigned to make a different venn diagram and label it with arbitrary concepts and they're relation/similarities/lack thereof, and its graded on participation; But everyone still argued over the non answer because they just can't fathom they're being no wrong answer.

☆ This isn't really meant to change anyones mind on romance, do whatever tf you want with your relashionships its your life; This is just me being real fucking confused at why people arbitrarily made these catagories lol.

☆ This was origonally gonna be an ask on an aromantic culture is blog but I quickly realized this was gonna be way too long for that.

☆ I may or may not add more mini rants to this in future reblogs this is just what I could think of as I was writing. Thanks if you actually read all of this

[saras-devotionals]

Hi, I need some advice from a sister-in-Christ please.

It's a boy. Yeah, I know, all bad stories start like that but hear me out. I'm pretty good mates with this boy, he's an amazing person, so kind, really thoughtful, his heart is on fire for Jesus, he's funny, just a great bloke.

I was at a worship thing with him, and I just started sobbing on the floor (good times), and he prayed for me. Anyway, while he was praying, I just "heard" this voice, and it just said "This man is your future husband".

I've prayed about it a lot since, and I always get that same response, yes, you are going to marry this man. And that's all good and well, Your will be done Lord, but like, it's not going to be happening anytime soon... because like, I'm a young teenager, he's a few years older than me, his mum is my teacher, and I just don't want to ruin our friendship. I'm sure that God has a plan, so I'm not going to rush anything, His timing is perfect, but I just would like some advice for like waiting - because I might be waiting 10 years, I might be waiting 30 years, you know?

first off I wanted to thank you for being comfortable enough to reach out to me and thank you for trying to seek advice. now, I don’t personally know you so my first suggestion would be to continually ask for advice from other women in your life who are strong in their faith and able to offer sound advice.

I did notice you mention you’re a young teenager and this guy is older, I don’t know the specifics of course but please try to be careful in situations like these, especially at that age, a few years can make a huge difference then compared to later on in life.

as for the waiting, I can completely relate to you! I have a situation of my own with a guy I like. There’s a lot that I’ve applied to my life that I can pass on to you. The first is to let him lead, don’t try to make any of the first moves yourself:

'Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.' Song of Songs 2:7

This has always been a helpful scripture for me because it reiterates that it is not on my timing and, therefore, I shouldn't try to take charge of it.

Also, even with him leading, it must come from God. If his actions towards you seem in any way impure, talk to someone you trust about it and seek advice. A scripture that I always keep in mind when it comes to the guy I like is this one:

Jesus said to his disciples: "Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble. So watch yourselves." Luke 17:1-3a

This has such strong imagery, especially coming from Jesus! It makes me super aware of my actions and those around me and how we must always strive for the purity of not just ourselves but everyone who sees us too.

More on the waiting: I know it can be hard—so hard! I struggle a bit with it myself, and it’s good that you’re reminding yourself that God’s timing is greater than ours! What I’d suggest is taking the time to be content with yourself and with God. You have to love and seek God with all your heart first and foremost above everything else (if you want, I can tell you some more about seeking God). Something that's been told to me before that stuck is: how can we love someone who's imperfect (aka other people or partners) if we can't completely love the one who is perfect (God)!

Here's some scripture about seeking God and I would also highly recommend reading the rest of Psalm 119!

'Blessed are those whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord . Blessed are those who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart—' Psalms 119:1-2

Also, strengthen your relationships with other sisters too! Don’t focus so much on spending time with the guy and I’d also advise against spending time alone with him. Remember, our purity matters, and we are also influential to other people as I mentioned earlier. Here's another scripture to help with that!

'“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. ' 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

I’d also advise against building up expectations or a fantasy of him, especially since you are set on believing he’s your future husband. This goes along with seeking God first because you don’t want to get to a point where you begin to idolize this guy and constantly think about him or a potential future relationship (you don't want to spend more time on him than your relationship with God). Live in the here and now! The future will come just as God has promised <3 (and just one last scripture to reaffirm the idolatry point):

'Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry. ' 1 Corinthians 10:14

There’s so much more that I can discuss, and please feel free to reach out to me again if you need clarification on anything or wish for me to elaborate. I wish the absolute best for you, and I’ll be praying for your situation!

[theambitiouswoman]

Hiii sista...

So I'll be pretty straight now

Here in the work, I'm really obsessed over boys especially one guy heree( cause he been sweet o me🙄) but he been sweet as in for the work culture..I'm tho really admired him by now... I've really obsessed to such extent that I lost myself (ik why this is happening because I've been isolated myself for so many years due to many issues) now I think I'm hurting myself ,which I don't want to

I'm basically a person who always stay alone but then now you see😔😔????

Even some people say " you can't stay alone forever, you need someone "

I'm really confused because I have my own responsibilities to handle, I'll be asking myself these questions that " how can you distract, when you have so many responsibilities"" .....

Gurllll.... you're the only person on planet who gives me the best advice without hesitation which I'm always grateful...

Please help Mee..I'm already on tears while writing I can't stop myself crying then came here writting

Help me sister , I'm broke

Oh my goodness! No don't cry!

I think the real issue here is that you have been isolated for so long, and now you are exposed to a different reality and you have little control over your emotions. Now they are on overdrive. And this would honestly be a natural response, so that doesn't mean you are going crazy.

It's true that everyone desires companionship. I understand your feelings, especially after being isolated for so long. There are two things I want to talk about in response.

First, that guy at work might seem really impressive. But keep in mind, you've only just started working there and you don't really know much about him. Maybe you're drawn to his confidence or the way he speaks. Maybe he's different from people you've met before.

For starters, just because you were isolated it doesn't mean that you have dealt with your own emotions from the past, or healed. We can't run away from our issues, they will eventually resurface. Time doesn't really heal all wounds.

Remember, you don't "need" anyone. It's more about wanting companionship. Needing someone can feel like chasing after them. You're not desperate. You have standards and know what you want in a partner. Don't settle just because you're feeling lonely.

Another way of looking at this would be, do you think any person who has you acting out of character like this, all nervous and anxious.. do you think this is someone who has a positive affect on your life. Love is peace. Chemistry is dwindling and could even be a reaction based on how you know love, toxic or healthy, and your past experiences. The right person for you will inspire the best in you and ill die on that hill.

Take your time to heal from past experiences before jumping into a new relationship. Believe in yourself and remind yourself of your good qualities. Focus on things you enjoy doing and that make you happy outside of work.

Work towards your own personal goals and don't rush into a relationship just to fill a void. Take care of yourself by exercising, doing things you like, and spending time outdoors.

Imagine the kind of relationship you want in the future, and remember to be proud of your progress and growth. While finding a partner is important, it's even more important to build a strong relationship with yourself first.

Finally, you are not broken, you are simply building yourself into the person you have always wanted to be. We are not fixing our past self, we are turning ourselves into the dream version of ourself.

<3

[godstaff]

Of course he does...

Contrary to have a Superman who is from a bunch of different worlds and is very difficult to embrace, he want one his little mind can encompass and work with.

But that's not who Superman is.

That's who Lois Lane can handle. That's a Superman James Gunn can handle. But they are very limited. I don't want what Lois needs. As limites as they are, they want you to be as limited as they are. And you want it too, because it's easier. Because that's a Superman who can submitt to Batso, another human, and can't dream of being somethng else, not limited to our small human appreciations. We want a Superman who can be defined by Lois Lane, Which is not the best humanity has to offer, because he's more manegeable, but Kal-El is so much more than that. He's a being of three worlds, Krypton, Earth and whatever comes in between.

My Superman is a being who's always pushing himself beyond to discover new ways to achieve his goal to protect this World, so it don't suffer the sad destiny his tragic homeworld of Krypton did. Which we are well in the path to repeat. But he, as Wonder Woman do, won't want to force it upon us. They want us to want to realize our mistakes and want to correct our path for ourselves, however difficult it may seem, because if we won't, it's useless.

In short, I don't want just another Superman movie. I want THE Superman movie. That which redeemes the Man of Steel forever as the greatest hero. As long as he tethers himself to a human partner, he will always be limited by our own limitations. He knows our limitations, but he needs to work around them, not indulge in them to be effective.

Movies is a universe i which they want a situation to be solved as long as it can have a sequel, which means it won-t be solves at all, only partially, to ensure a continuation. If we kill the villain, it will be back for the sequel, if we destroy the doomsday machine, it will have a backup, to menace the World again. It all depends on how appealing those things are.

In short, dontyou trust in what a director wants: he will always want to assure his work is safe for the future, not what would bring satisfaction to the viewer. He will try to convince the viewer he has their best interest at heart, he doesn´t. He´s not your friend. He´s a business man.

,.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

You don’t have to answer this but how long have you been trying to heal yourself maybe it’ll help me not feel so alone in my journey

Hey! I will answer you ofc, I don't have anything to hide. But... (I may be using "you" as a general you/y'all next)

First of all, I want you to keep in mind that there's not a fixed time-frame when it comes to healing, nor there's an age in which we do that. It's not like school and you need to start and end it in a certain amount of years/at a certain age to be considered "right" and "on time". There's not such a thing here. It takes the time you need as your own person: it depends on each one of us and our stories and how we deal with our feelings about our past in our present. And how it all reflects on our future (and anxieties about it). Honestly, it reasonably can take A LOT to reach a kinda mentally stable point, if you take a look at all this. I mean, it's BIG. You don't have to feel less or guilty if according to you it's taking you more than you thought or that you're supposed to. It's okay: also because the more you feel like you're needing to rush things or get to an end (I know it's painful but please hang in there and keep being patient cause it's gonna end, I promise you), or you feel inferior to others as they seem in a better position than you (you don't know their story nor when they started/how anyway, so please do not compare: surely there's someone who is feeling the same as you or about you even), the more stressed you'll be and the longer the process will take. The more we try to close chapters fastly with our past, to say "Okay I'm done here, next one", the more we'll find new triggers about the "same old thing"TM. And it's okay: to really understand, accept and realize what we went through, takes a lot of time and patience. It's not something we can learn and close over night. When it comes to our feelings it's never so. We may be spending, for example, months over a friend that moved on and suddenly disappeared from our life, pretending we didn't care (but the more we pretend and tell ourselves we don't care, the more it stays in our mind and heart), and that's okay: it means we need to realize something about that connection that we cannot accept and probably it's not just how it ended, but also something related to how it was, how we felt both on good days and bad days while we were in that friendship... and maybe move on to other relationships in our life, starting from the one with our parents and our classmates, other friends, colleagues, crushes, partners... What's the main issue there and how it moves inside of us? Feelings are complex, they also rot inside of us for years and years and grow with us, get mixed up with new ones, similar ones, different ones... it's crazy. But it's how it is. We cannot stop growing or making experiences before healing. We keep living also while healing (we have to). And we cannot start healing if we don't feel the need to.

And it's not an easy job to heal and also healing doesn't mean not being triggered anymore and being all good and great all the time: it means you start learning how to recognize your triggers and let them control you everyday a little less. Even on those days in which those stressing emotions will still get to you, you won't try to fight them but accept that those are just days as others, and they will pass too. You simply accept that you're tired/overwhelmed for any reason and that you can control your mind and decide what's best for you, so you take care of you, and try to be more compassionate and patient, and maybe take a break without feeling guilty. You're more open about your needs and find ways to meet them. And you know you can afford your trigger another time, you can talk with your mind, you feel more and more balanced. Life will always be made of positive and negative. It's how it is. And taking time to accept both of its sides and don't let the negative take over us and make us fall, is the thing we need to keep doing first and foremost. Also inside of us: we too are made both of bright and dark parts, and the dark parts need as much love too as they'r egenerally the hurt and scared parts of us. And taking them out of the dark is not easy, it takes time and gentleness, as with a scared child. It also takes the right moment for both.

Now, I've wrote a lot already so let me answer you :) I've always been someone who tries to understand more of herself and people and life in general, but if I have to say a time in which I told myself "Okay something is pretty wrong here, I do not deserve that and I definitely need to know more of what's behind all of it" I think it's around 2.5-3 years ago. Especially around 2 years ago after a bunch of big tough events in my life. The heavy healing part started there I think.

Anyway pelase do not feel alone. Here it's plenty of people healing, many have been through that for long, even longer than me probably. And even if it feels scary and this idea may make you want to give up, please don't. Keep doing it with patience, balancing healing with your life the best you can (you need time outs from it and talking with people, enjoying too), and I promise it will get faster and even occasionally easier. And it will get slowly better for sure. You'll notice it once you'll start reaching a more balanced emotional situation, but for now, endure through the storm as it will end. I'm here if you need support!

Take care<3

[eirinisnote]

Who am I ?

Sometimes when I get asked "who are you?", "what's your name?", or "please introduce yourself", my initial response was always like this:

"Hi, I am Alyssa Joy Calupitan, you can just call me " Aly". I'm 21 years old, studying Bachelor of Science in Civil Engineering at LSPU".

What people know about me is only the surface of who I really am. Some people that I get to interact with, and talk to every day don't really know me at all.

But there was one time when I asked myself, "who am I, really?". Do I really know myself? It's stupid to ask that because of all people, I should be the first to know myself.

That's right, tho. I am the only one who really knows me. Even my parents and friends don't know me that deeply, because they don't see what's inside my mind. They have no idea about my plans for the future, they don't know my preference for a lifetime partner, and so on. Those are just some of the simple things I chose to keep to myself.

But if they only try to look within me, they'll realize that I am more than my actions and my words.

Sooo now, let me introduce myself to you, but from a third point of view. (As if I'm storytelling, and I am the main character 😜.)

Who is Alyssa?

Alyssa is an introverted extrovert Filipina who loves reading so much. She can spend a whole day reading. Eventually, she fell in love with writing.

She was shy and anxious about talking to people face-to-face, but she conquered it by joining different organizations at her university. She ran as the college representative of the highest governing student organization, which is the Supreme Student Council, and fortunately, she won. Eventually, she applied as a staff writer in a university publication to enhance her writing skills. She was also told to run as Vice-President for External Affairs of the Association of Civil Engineering Students, wherein she mostly works on marketing, and partnerships with other universities, and organizations.

Those years of being a student leader and a member of different organizations were too overwhelming for Alyssa because she was not really used to crowds and talking to people. But because she badly wanted to conquer her fear of public speaking, she decided to join those groups which was one of the best decisions she ever had because she is now far from the "shy" Alyssa in 2020

Back then, she had only one friend to consider, but now, she has learned how to socialize with other people and gain reliable friends.

She realized that there were still a lot of things to appreciate and enjoy outside her comfort zone. She started getting to know herself more, her likes, and her new favorites.

She also now has the guts to flex herself 🥹. Proud narrator here. 🙋🏻‍♀️🙈

She began to appreciate sunsets, road trips, coffee, and working out— which were not her thing before.

Getting out of her comfort zone really helps her to know herself more. She started living her life and enjoying her youth.

Looking back, she was just always in her room, reading. But now, she realized that knowledge is not just limited to books, because we can search for something spectacular in other places — somewhere that we didn't expect.

In order for us to know ourselves better, we shouldn't be afraid to go out. We should never stop learning, and discovering new things.

[rememberingtheself]

One

Manga: Yu Yu Hakusho I can do better choices. How many bad choices have I made in my entire life? Imagine if you were aware of how many mistakes you had made in life. It should be a great amount, but don't be afraid, we are all dumb. I was very surprised to learn that people older and wiser than me make mistakes, at the same rate than me. Putting people on a pedestal isn't generally positive. It makes us think little of ourselves.

Manga: Neon Genesis Evangelion Something that is hard to choose are people, in terms of love or friendship. You often meet them, get closer to them then take separate ways. Love is a really hard choice for me. I said that the greatest humans also make mistakes. Well your future partner or current favorite person will too. You're not going to get in a relationship without having arguments of all scales, at least because we have lots of imperfections and we're bound to differ. Love is a challenge. I don't mind imperfection, I think I'd choose someone based on the efforts he puts in improving, it's a great quality. But then, is it a good choice? I'll know better in this case...

Manga: City Hunter

I've always thought that the right choice is a combination of Logic, Intuition and Luck? You can have a correct reasoning without achieving the right outcome, why not trusting your instincts, don't you think?. Although, we will never find a formula for the right choice. Even less when it matters the most. There are tough choices to make in Life. What will be your approach? For tough choices I always try to feel what my guts are truly saying to me. Sometimes I do sacrifices in order to make a choice. When I'm left with two great options to choose from, it's an internal conflict. I manage sometimes to find the solution. I stop going into endless loops of evaluation, I choose one direction. When someone tells me a dilemma, I always manage to find an answer. The answer is to commit to one! Try it out. If you enjoyed reading me, hit me up!

[kibonosentoki]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER.  REPOST.

name.    Chavi (it's an old nickname)

pronouns.    He/Him

preference  of  communication.    Discord 100%, I either blog-hop too much or I don't get the notifs about the IM system. So Discord is easier to reach me thru!

name  of  muse.    Son Gohan (specifically Future Son Gohan)

rp  experience  /  how  long.     UH... If my math is correct, I've been writing for about... 12 years give or take. On many different platforms, Tumblr wise, about 6 years give or take.

best  experience.    Easy! Hands down all the stuff I've been able to write on my P.eter P.arker, T.enth D.octor and this blog. Like, I got such a soft spot for Pete that it's not even funny and the whole M.arvel RPC was the first big-time thing I wrote in, so it's been pretty fun! I'm still in the fandom, just not as active as I'd like lmao!

rp  pet  peeves  /  dealbreakers.    Tbh, I don’t really have too many pet peeves. The ones I have are mostly just small-time stuff, like over-formatting to the point where I can't read shit, or leaning SUPER HEAVY into purple prose to the point where I can’t understand what’s going on, it happened to me once and I literally had to crack open a dictionary so... Dealbreakers-wise, it’s gotta be rule violations and anyone who’s generally a terrible person!

fluff,  angst,  or  smut.   YES, YES, YES! — Lmao, joking aside, I do very much enjoy writing all three of these. Though I don't often write smut on Tumblr lol. I just like the opportunities to really dive into the inner machinations of, in this case, Gohan's mind and, y'know, dig around the parts that either aren't explored for whatever reason (not too much time on the spotlight for it, the author wasn't feeling it, etc...)

plots  or  memes.    UH... Trick question, I'm a fan of both! Though, truth be told, I tend to lean a bit more towards plotting since it helps me and my partner get an idea of what kind of relationship our muses might have, as well as a general direction on where to take things. But I LOVE memes, especially cause I can just jump around the timeline and write p much whatever the muse is feeling... I'm just slow at answering things lol.

long  or  short  replies.    Define long. Cause I've tried to do like, one-sentence things and I end up doing a short paragraph lmao. So I guess the answer is long.

best  time  to  write.    Trick question! I don't really have the best time to write, since I'm in college, I write when I got the time. It ranges from anywhere between "as soon as I get home." to "Oh boy! 1am, time to write!"

are  you  like  your  muse. uh... Maybe?! Like, he's 10 times more determined than me, not to mention smarter lmao but, I think we do share the whole "low image of ourselves" bit because he's constantly second-guessing himself about his ability to be the hero and so on. I'm regularly doing the same with my writing and so on. We do like learning things, so that's another stuff we got in common!

Tagged by: I stole it days ago off my dash lol Tagging: YOU, PERSON READING THIS! Just say I tagged you, lol

[loveasahuman]

Pasts and presents and futures everything ends up being

I'll be straightly honest with you from the start: I don't know where to start. I want to spill all my secrets, I want to upload all the context for what I'm about to write about, but as far as the technology we have and the way being human works right now, right here, on this planet, in this time... I can't do that. And I guess, if I could, there would be little reason for this processing to happen this way. Plus, sometimes when we write and we read, things are said not as just simple as the facts they were, but as the complex mess of facts, emotions, thoughts, pasts and presents and futures everything ends up being.

It started years ago, and honestly, once again being unnecessarily honest - it didn't start with a bang, but with a lot of grey slow. I don't know when it exactly started; but I lost myself. Or I may never had really had me any other place besides inside my own mind or heart. I know the world hasn't seen here. It's seen pieces of her; depending who you are, you've seen different pieces entirely. Some have seen the strong piece, the independent piece, the dependent piece, the confident and the non-confident, the extrovert and the introvert, the young version, the old version, the one who speaks in a relax tone, the one who speaks in a quiet, back of the throat shy tone that's showing the submissiveness of being female in the cultures she's lived in so far.

It seems that when we show our most vulnerable, we get really scolded for that. People want to see the human of us, but then judge. Either tell us to be strong, toughen up, to stand up for ourselves more, to own our power as if vulnerability isn't an incredible super power. To be vulnerable -- I challenge anyone who sees the vulnerable expressions and moments as weak to be vulnerable.. to expose their most gooey soft inner meat inside their tough outter shell knowing it can be blown to smitherines and still do it, and then tell me about tough and about weak. Or, they tell us we're annoying for it, we're broken for it, we become unattractive and a turn off.

Why?

How much of our societies are unable to be vulnerable? How much of our societies are lost beyond saving, lost beyond help? Will most of these younger generations we are end up chronically lonely, even if not alone? Will we end up severely screwed up in the name of being put together?

Let me tell you something before we keep going - my mind's been going through a tough time putting thoughts together and sentences, finding words, doing a good job expressing. So it might take a while as it's warming back up from years or slowly shutting down as a way to "do something different" when what it was doing wasn't working out. Cuz that's what they say, right? If you do something one way and it keeps not working for you, do something you've never done before. For me, it was dumbing myself down until I started being it. I became in a lot of ways the antithesis of who I have always been, and in some, of who I am at my core. I wanted love, I wanted community - I wanted peace. I wanted to stop feeling different and constantly swiming upstream. I wanted for once to fit in, for someone to want to be with me, to not feel like I constantly challenge them to grow. I myself didn't want to constantly feel like I need to grow, like I'm not enough, too. So I let go of the one thing that now I find out is the ultimate savior and bonder of relationships, and vitality of being a human at the same time: never stop growing. I changed my identity into worse than better.

Why is it easier to do that, than to change for the better? Why is it easier to gain weight than lose it? Lose knowledge than gain it? Why is lazy easier than being alive?

I used to be so active in my mind, in my body, in my soul. It didn't take effort except for my past partner. I didn't think it was effortful before they introduced me to that perspective on it. And now, I became them more than they are. I'm more lethargic, I don't get straight out of bed, I can't go out and follow adventure, take myself around to different parts of this city or others, I can't even bring myself to text a friend back. I used to be on it, and it felt easy. Now, it feels so heavy and like it's so much work.. like it's work, period. While they seem to be doing the opposite.

That's for a next blog: how is it really being friends with an ex. How do you even get there? Does it just happen, or is it a process and transition? Personal experiences welcomed.

Until next time,

xoxo

[thedeespot]

SAFE, but wise?

I've been thinking about this post so much that I have probably gone blank a couple of times trying to think of the best come back in the game and I'm still blank. Now this would probably be the time I would simply browse through my many social media platforms and eventually get bored and then I would browse a bit deeper, log into sites that would find me pleasuring myself at the end of each video (don't side eye me on this, why you are judging me?) and after all of that, I go to sleep, with my temporary satisfaction. But you're married, you're probably thinking. Yes, I am but I've learnt that even in marriage, bad habits still creep up to fill up voids or even temporarily make us forget traumas that we have swept under the carpet and moved on from. Now believe me watching a couple of videos on porn sites is honestly the safest thing anyone can do because, in the moment, it seems harmless and "it's just videos" of people just screwing each other silly, until you turn to your partner and feel less sexually attracted to them because they are not the guy in the video pleasuring you. Until you even go as far as comparing sizes, then next thing you are comparing height and body type and every little thing that didn't matter to you, all of a sudden means so much more than it's supposed to.

I mean gents, you've seen the title "stretch me out" or something along those lines and when you are having sex with your wife who has birthed three big heads naturally, nothing feels like it's stretching when you are making love to your partner and this is enhanced even more when you have filled your mind with all these different vagina's that you see on the net being "stretched out" same applied for women, if you're looking at videos of "BBCs" every single day and the man you're sleeping next to every day is not a reflection of that, you're going to have a hard time enjoying your sex life with your partner because daily, you have trained your mind that sex needs to be done in a certain way, feel a certain way and must be done with a certain type or size. You have conditioned yourself daily that if it doesn't look like a BBC it certainly cannot be good enough to pleasure me.

Which bring me to me point to say, yes, watching is probably safer than going out there and actually finding someone to pleasure you like you see on the net but is it really a wise decision? Are your safe options really safe or they are detrimental to you in future?

The one thing we hear mostly about is mental health but what role are you playing to ensure that in future you don't have to unlearn or break certain cycles YOU HAVE PLACED YOURSELF IN because of your bad habits? Is it even worth it to have to watched something or place myself in a situation that is going to have me pay hefty amounts of money to sit in an office with a therapist and to work through the consequence of my actions/decisions? I don't dispute the fact that many times we find ourselves in these situations because of things we have not healed from but now that we have identified that we are dying from our own bad decision making, when do we start actually changing and working on ourselves? After posting about it on social media and getting fake reactions so that we can spill more tea?

At some point, we need to start taking accountability for our actions that have led us to the bad state of mentality we are in. At some point, the seeking attention and sympathy needs to be completely cut out, it's toxic and its manipulative. We need to confront whatever it is that keeps us in these situations that feel good for the moment and need to find some tangible to hold on to that will give us everlasting peace. If it means walking around and praying and talking to your spiritual guide, let it be, if it means playing music loud and dancing till you break a sweat, dancing it is. Jogging, taking walks, checking on family, solo dates, whatever it is that you know will help you, do it consistently. Tantrums, throwing things around, gossip, constantly being negative, those things are never going to bring you peace. Posting something shady so that the person is directed to can read, is stupid, it's not going to bring you peace.

The bible talks about fruits of the spirit, my spiritual queens talk about aligning your chakras and when you do all those things, you feel good. Nothing that is done positively with heart ever feels like a waste. Let's deal with the trauma, kick bad habits in the ass and work for a positive mental health.

I'm back beeeeeee :)

xoxo

[trace-of-a-song]

Your Project Doesn't Need Original Music - But It Might Make Things Better

My spicy take for the weekend - brought to you by wandering down a thorny path where people's choices for production costs for AD were put under a really strange funhouse microscope, is this. Yes, you can use premade, royalty-free, or low-cost licensed music for your game/film/show/project. You absolutely can. It might suit your needs perfectly. It can definitely cut costs when you're figuring out your project budget. There are people out there putting great music into the world Just for folks to use in exactly this way. No shame, no side-eye. Important disclaimer: I'm a composer. I do this for part of my living. I've been doing it for a while, and at some point in the near future when I have the time to figure out how I want to do it, I'll be putting some of that music into the world too. I like to think I do it pretty well. All of that said, here's what a composer can do that the above solution can't. - Tailor the music to your project's timing precisely. (Depending on the license you may or may not be able to edit the premade "trax"you're using. - Make it so the music fills in exactly where the mood shifts. - Evolve with the show, the scene, the moment. - Take feedback and make changes based on that. - Become an active part of your storytelling. - Be inspired by your project (and maybe do a bit of inspiring back) - Add a collaborative partner to your team.

That last one is probably the most important, and in a way it sums up the rest. When you bring a composer onto your project, whether it's for score, a theme song, one episode, or a 6 season epoch, you're adding to your team. Even as a one-off hired gun, a bit of their heart, spirit, energy, caring, passion, and interest is in your project. You gain another voice to bounce things off of, another pair of ears on the mix, a cheerleader, a co-conspirator.

Music that is made for your story is different than music that happens to fit. It just is. It breathes along with your scenes. It's a custom suit vs the closest fit you can find off the rack.

Does that mean it's expensive? Well, not necessarily but it's often more expensive than free!

It takes me 2 hours on average for a minute of custom music (I've recently started timing it because as I move more of my income to freelancing, planning is a thing). That's time spent planning, composing, editing, timing things to the scene, tweaking volume, polishing, and sending it wherever it needs to go. The most recent project I'm wrapping up has just shy of 17 minutes of music in it. An average TPNAN episode has 12. If I charged something like $20 an hour for my work, which is a number tossed around as a living wage a lot, I'd be making almost $500 an episode for TPNAN. That's not taking into account that creating music is a specialized field and that maybe that expertise and practice time means it's worth more than $20/hr. Let's just say... I'm not charging $500. (To be transparent, TPNAN is half my baby so I'm charging $0, but it's an example I know really well so I used it.) My point here is that many composers, myself included, will work for less than that. We'll do it for projects we love, people we respect and want to support, stories we care about. We'll do it when and because we can afford to spend the time, because we're supporting ourselves in other ways, or because we don't mind sticking 7 or 8 wicks in a candle just to see what happens. If you're a project with a tiny budget and want custom music, talk to some composers and I am beyond certain you'll find someone who wants to work on it with you and will work with what you can offer them. Yes, that includes "I can't offer you any money but I can trade you this skill I have" or "None of us are making money on this but would you be part of telling this really cool story with us?" I'll get into when people CAN afford to pay "fairly" another time. It would muddy the waters too much today. What I'm saying is, if you want to add a composer to your team, you can. And your project might well be better for it. And there is no shame in carving out a little of the budget you have whatever size it is for something that will make your project better. Graphic design, a good director, custom music, all of the things. You get to decide what counts as necessary to tell the story you want to tell, and what's extra. Rant over. Back to making pretty math noises!

[psychelis-new]

Hi there. i hope your doing great. i want to ask something and it is a long one so sorry in advance. recently I had a huge lesson. I came out of a pattern of one sided loves. i just wanted to be seen because of them and that leads me to learn and notice Self love. I gave up my crushes and trying to focus on my self and then my future spouse. the one for me. but the thing is now I'm a little worried. is it possible that i get a fs I'm trying to manifest who is my type and my taste or the whole soulmate thing is someone that is good for me and maybe not my taste? I had exes that were good people but not in a physical way (not at all) nor my taste (not anymore). I've been hurting a lot during all those one sided loves to finally learnt that lesson. I'm afraid maybe my soulmate gonna be not my taste cause it is another lesson I have to learn. I'm afraid that my fs is one of my exes or someone at the same level of them...

Hey! Dw it's fine, but the answer is gonna be long :)

I understand completely about your worries: they're so normal. Doubts, insecurities, fears about the future/unknown, are all part of life. Plus, the lesson about self love and how you changed your taste in others (which is great: we make experiences, grow and change ourselves and what we like -and it can be a lifelong process, maybe in different fields of life or maybe in all, but it's all good), are helping you to move forward on your path even faster. This on a general note though: tbh in your (our) mind, instead of helping you move faster towards the future, it may somehow try to hinder you (change feels uncomfortable cause we don't know what is going on nor where we're heading to). Your mind just wants you to think that this (being with people you don't like anymore/not being liked back for who you are, being "let down" once again) is the only thing in store for you and that you will never be able to get a person that is really what you wish for. It wants you to think that you won't be able to get anything you wish for (probably it didn't happen just in love, maybe it's something that touches other fields of your life as well, maybe you also kind aself sabotage -on a certain level, unconsciously too). That you don't deserve anything better or different. It wants to keep you stuck in a known "safe" place.

I want you to please try to ground yourself and focus on what it is that YOU would like in a partner and what you don't want at all/anymore (you learned that by experiencing it, you learned to put yourself first, so you can tell what works for you and what not). Write these characteristics down, make lists, so to have them clear and check within yourself. Know yourself, take time to talk with yourself about all this. Writing can help you check better what you like and don't at this moment. Or what you can compromise on, what you can accept anyway (this may come to you with a specific person too, you don't have to know it all so specifically now. We realize things while we live them and it's fine. Try to not block yourself and stay open to be positively surprised, even by yourself: it doesn't have to be all black or white, there are greys too and some greys will get clearer with time, or you'll see them later on/acknowledge them when you really see them with your eyes). Remember that you have control over your decisions, as you have over your choices. They're up to you, you have free will. You can live life being in the driver seat (you actually should, and not let anyone else or anything make decisions for you -which probably happened in the past).

I think the main reason behind your fear could be that you don't trust yourself and your decision-making ability (others did for you very often/maybe you have people pleasing tendencies so you often just said "yes"), that you don't think are worthy of the love you dream to have/you were let down a lot (even by yourself, somehow)... Any of these, or more.

Ofc you are able to make good decisions for you (follow your guts: good decisions are those you do once you connect with yourself and do what YOU want to do, not what your insecurities/fears want you to do). You, as a human being, are worthy of all you wish to get, you are worthy to allow yourself to dream of that type of love you want and try to get it. And you are able to change your mind (and it has nothing to do with lies: you can be true to yourself and change your mind. Just keep following yourself as you're doing). Don't listen to that voice that is telling you constantly that you only deserve to live in this cycle and that everyone you will be with is going to hurt you or that you won't like them. You can decide with whom you want to be. Always. At any given time. You can say no to people you don't like or you don't want to be with for whatever reason. You can, actually have to, stand up for yourself and let yourself be heard.

I don't know what is your definition of soulmate or future spouse or destined person or anything else (I think we all see this in a different way and in a personal way too) but imo... a soulmate is not someone you HAVE to be with at all costs, Universe putting a gun to your head and obliging you to be with them even if you don't like them. Being with your soulmate or however you wanna call them, it's gonna be a natural and normal process, so you'll very likely end up with someone that at that moment of your life, will be the right person for you (and this means you'll also like them and even they will be what you wish for in a partner).

Try to believe, to be more confident in your abilities, yourself and how good you are at choosing for yourself (you have started choosing already by putting self love first, so keep going. Triggers may get tougher but you can overcome them with kindness and patience), and be positive towards your future too. Being good in making decisions doesn't mean that you won't make "mistakes": despite painful, the experiences you had with your exes brought you here to be who you are now, and who you'll become. "Failing" is part of the learning process, but nothing you can't change ever. And the more you learn, the lesser you'll fail.

All will be good, stressing over not being able to get the type of person you wish for, for as much as normal (especially cause it originates from a deeper trauma imo) it's simply going to bring you stress for nothing. You can decide who you want to be with, as you always did (you're no more in your childhood where you had to depend on certain people and had no much of a choice -not sure if applies ofc, js... but traumas in love relationship CAN originate in our childhood too, our first source of love). Your person will be exactly the type of person you'll like to be with. And it doesn't have to be that this person will bring you lessons or you won't like them or won't love you back (one sided love): it won't be forever like this. It's gonna be good, just work on yourself (especially on the triggers that the fear of ending up with your exes/something like them may bring you -I usually try to breathe and ask myself: why this fear/negative feeling happens, what it wants to tell me/make me notice?) and let Universe work for you. Be hopeful and positive. :)

Honestly, the only lessons you (we) need to learn are about yourself and not as a punishment -lessons are for your good, even if painful- (btw mine is not a critic at all, it's just what i realized myself as well. We are sent some people to heal, to learn more about ourselves and get ready for the right people for us. But we need to realize we are deserving of what we wish for and that we'll get it, despite how tough the path to reach that point is. We are free, but we block ourselves through our subconscious minds somehow... and that's not good).

Wish you all the best, and that your dream love will knock at your door asap. Take care of you in the meantime<3

[sweatyhumanoiddreamclam]

It’s been a while since my last update. Life has changed for me in so many ways since the last time I wrote. It just goes to show that when you try to make plans for your future, God just laughs at you. No, I am not religious, but I do believe everyone has a path they are meant to take and sometimes it’s not always the path we think it is. Accepting that has been actually very freeing for me. 

Before 2022 came to an end, I was convinced my life needed so much changing. Like I said previously, I was hyper-fixating on a lot of the negativity in my life. I was also so fixated on the idea that I need to do everything on my own going forward, and I’ve come to realize that’s just not the case. It’s okay to accept help, and it’s also okay to not be alone. Being independent is good, and you can be independent, even if you’re not always doing everything by yourself. 

My plan was to move across the country and start a new life. I am still open to that entirely, but I’ve been tossing a lot of new ideas and places around in my mind. Maybe Colorado isn’t where I need to be. Look, don’t get me wrong, I love it there. My 2 very best friends in the world live there, and I miss them dearly. All the time. Lately, I’ve just been feeling different. Maybe it's because of all the new things that have entered my life, maybe it’s just me growing in a new direction, I don't know for sure. But I’m feeling slightly less called to Colorado than I was a few months ago. However, I do still plan to move out of state. I’ve been leaning towards the warmer states, as this harsh winter in Minnesota has me feeling a bit down lately. But onto the new-new things going on for me. 

Here’s the thing.. I met someone. I was not looking for love at all, but they do say, when you stop looking for love, love finds you. I guess it’s true. I’ve met a really incredible guy, and not to get all mushy, but I mean he is truly perfect for me in every way. Over the course of the past year trying to meet someone I am compatible with, I’ve been on numerous nightmare dates and had casual flings that never really went anywhere, and it honestly made me feel a bit used at times. As a matter of fact, looking back at my dating life the past few years has been excruciatingly painful and difficult for me. Man, I think I might even make a separate journal entry about those men just because there is so much to share, and honestly, a lot of it is story worthy. No doubt. 

But this guy. I mean he just treats me like a literal angel. He simps for me so hard. He takes care of me, and honestly is obsessed with me in a way that I absolutely love. I guess I’m just used to dating emotionally unavailable men, but this man makes me feel so seen, heard, and cared for. In ways I never imagined a partner would. We met in July of 2022, but we did not become a couple until just under 2 months ago. I’ve loved every minute being with him and I can see that it is mutual. And get this: He’s on board with my plans to move, and he wants to come with me! I feel so blessed. 

Yes, I know that's a huge commitment, to move across the country with someone you’ve only been with for 2 months might seem ridiculous. Maybe it is. But we have decided to run a test trial on ourselves. So starting the end of next month, I will be moving out of my current apartment and into his. We are going to see what living together is like before taking the step of moving away together. We’ve already moved my cat into his apartment with his 2 cats, and it's actually going really well. I am excited for our journey together.

So, as you can see, my plans and mindset have definitely shifted since the last time I posted an entry here. It’s exciting. It also has me realizing that I should not focus too much on being in control of my life, rather than just go with the flow and allow my path to take its course. I can get behind that. In case it isn’t obvious by now, I am really happy. 

Here’s to the new year, and new beginnings! 

P.S. I think I really will make an entry about the nightmares of my dating life previous to my current relationship, so if you’re interested, keep an eye out! #TheTeaIsHot

(I do not own the rights to the attached photo. Source linked.)

[icedteareader]

Thesis and Banters

I wanted to get back to writing but i only produce short low quality fics anyway so

The computer lab was always a good place to sleep. It’s air-conditioned and the computers can provide you with cover to take a nap. Sounds of keycaps being pressed fills the room, providing a lullaby to help you doze off. The lights on the ceiling overhead become a substitute for the starry night sky. Your mood quickly blends with your surroundings. Drowsiness overtakes you but before Morpheus can cradle you in his arms, the cold voice of a penguin dragged you back into reality.

"Hey lazy ass, are you going to help me with this thesis or not?". You open your eyes and see your partner typing away at her keyboard, eyes glued to the screen. "I don't know why Professor Olhye paired us together for this thesis when she knows we can do this both by ourselves, but you better contribute something before I place your name in this paper".

Your partner, Gwen Withlock, was a girl that was little over 6 feet, sporting a wolf cut and an ice queen personality. Her eyes the color of blue, not of the gentle ocean but of the bitter frost. Her face is a masterpiece painted by the greatest of artists and her body carved by the finest of sculptors. As if that wasn't enough, she also got the blessing of Athena, having wits that far surpasses her peers. She's always at the top of the class, always admired by everybody from afar. Well everybody but you. Don't misunderstand, you still admire Gwen. It's just that you can admire her from a nearer point than others due to you being a spawn of Minerva. You always get second place, hidden in the shadow cast by her. Some mock you, saying that you will always play second fiddle to Gwen. No attention is given to these remarks. You're too lazy to retort to jealous fucks like them. Grades and rankings are superficial, you could've made Gwen bleed for the first place but it wasn't worth the effort. Getting second place and annihilating others while being able to sleep properly? Now that's the right way to do things. Your admiration for Gwen is true, but not without its concessions. Forked paths, both leading to the law of everything. Turn left and it's a simple path of grayscale, devoid of sunlight and colors. Turn right, and it's a rollercoaster of paints and flames. Same pursuit, different paths. This has caused some problems between the both of you, a rivalry blooming over the period of many competitions together. This research project was supposed to be individual but having a playful professor changes that. Now you're shackled together again, a pain in the ass. Mind flickering back into reality, you go over to the slightly annoyed looking penguin.

"What's up 'Everything-that-Elsa-is-except-more-bitchiness-and-no-magic’? What does your majesty need from a humble jester like myself?" you utter a remark dripping with sarcasm.

"The ceiling is up you snake-tongued devil, and this queen needs you to shut your ungodly mouth and help me type this part or I'm going to take all the credit for this paper" retorted the experienced duelist, "Compile the papers we cited here and finish the conclusion of our research so I can finally stop seeing a joke of a genius".

"Ouch princess, have you no pity for my feelings? At least this joke can engage you in a witty banter. Plus, aren’t you bored of just endless studying?” I said while taking the empty seat beside her.

“No, I don’t care, and no. Why bother with mundane things when there is so much to do for the future? I pity those that are wasting precious time and more so those who have the capabilities to rule the world but are too lazy to act” She said giving me a mock look of pity while standing up to leave.

“Why thank you for the compliment. It’s nice to see that you can still say good things. Proves that you aren’t rotten all the way yet” I reply with the most annoying smirk plastered on my face.

.

.

.

“Asshole” she said and left.

“Love you too” I replied, blowing her a kiss.

After she left, I focused my attention on our thesis and continued her work. Time passed by and soon, the sound of the bell signaled it's time to leave. I saved our thesis, copied it into a flash drive and tidied up the place. I placed the flash drive on top of a table and checked if I had forgotten anything.

"Sweeping the floor is done, the chairs are tidied up, and now I just need to turn off all of the electronics." I mumbled to myself. The breaker was soon turned off and I found myself leaving the premises and heading home, humming to the tone of 'RUN2U by StayC' along the way.

[kyunsies]

Bilingual 🌻 anon here

I hope you're feeling better 💕

I think I tend to think too much in the future about a lot of things lol

Especially when it comes to having kids (ideally I'd want 3-5 but however many I have I want to love them very much and hope that they can confide in me with anything)

But I'm afraid of a lot of things especially bc of some traumas I've gone through (I won't go into detail I'll just leave it at that). I'm afraid of projecting that trauma on to them unintentionally (and I know what that's like) or belittling/diminishing their feelings by saying I've gone through worse (instead of listening to their kids and trying to understand them) and those things hurt a lot.

Especially when all you want from your parents is for them to understand you, you know?

I feel like those things are so scary, and then if it comes down to getting married and everything, I don't want a man that will belittle or diminish my feelings bc for sure I'll leave him in two seconds flat.

I feel like maybe that's why I feel like I'm emotionally stunted in that sense (of course therapy can help but it's a lot of money smh)

Sometimes, I feel like a black sheep bc the way I feel that the way I process things is different compared to the normal person (considering I have ADHD lol).............. it's so crazy how life experiences can really impact you immensely

I hope that wasn't too much ranting 😬

Sending you hugs 🤗❤

hi bubbie !! i hope u are having a nice day so far <3 if u don't mind, i'm not going to put my answer under a "read more" since i think this is actually really important to talk about (as a woman in her young 20s lol) so i'm going to roll up my sleeves and answer as much as i can <3

i think women think a lot about the future !! obviously everyone does no matter what stage they are in their life lol but i feel that u are someone like me in that i am running out of time for a lot of things .... do u feel this way too? i think about it all the time :( i have seen quite a few ppl say they don't want children and honestly i don't blame them !!! having children is a HUGE responsibility and it's daunting to think about !! some ppl want to adopt and i think that's a wonderful idea as well <3 some ppl just don't want children and would rather create a wholesome life for themselves, and i think that's perfectly fine too :) i will give u a little background: i have 3 aunts along with my mom, 2 of them have 3 children and the other aunt has 2 ... i basically raised 5 of them while the other 3 acted like my older siblings <3 i have been around children enough where i absolutely would love to have children of my own, to call my own ;____; and that's a choice !! i think anyone who wishes to take on a parent role will have these thoughts, and i think that's okay :') i often ask my mom "where u scared when u found out u were pregnant" and she said she was more happy than scared ..... but i honestly think that happiness only comes after the initial shock u know? she was so excited to see how her tummy grew each day and wondered how well i would be developing as her pregnancy went on ; i also think it's normal to feel like we will never be good enough as parents bc we will only want what's best for our bubs....... and although maybe u don't want to invalidate them, you will be able to steer them in the best direction possible bc of everything you have conquered right? this is just my thinking LOL ... we all have our traumas, some worse than others and we would never want that for our children so i think naturally you will steer ur children in the right direction <3

now in terms of getting married there are a lot of different opinions out there, each valid for their own reason !!! i agree with u that i would like to be married too <3 i am always wondering when i will start dating and i know that sounds so embarrassing ......... like i'm still in high school or something stupid like that ....... i've never dated i've never kissed anyone i'm pretty sure no one has even looked in my direction lol but i think it's bc i don't put myself out there much :( honestly i'm afraid but i want to be loved, i want to love someone more than myself, i think sharing that with someone is really lovely . idk if it's bc i don't have any confidence in myself to make the first move and initiate anything; i don't go out and party/drink; i'm not a confident gal so i often wonder "i'm wasting time, i'll never be married or meet anyone, i'll never have children of my own if i don't do something soon" ....... will i end up taking fate into my own hands and meet someone ? idk !

what i'm trying to say is that u are definitely not alone in these thoughts angel <3 for me, i think u think a lot about these things bc u care and that will make u even more caring as a parental figure if u decide u want children in your future <3 and i think it's a life journey to reflect and work out our past traumas, no matter how terribly they may haunt us, right? we owe that to ourselves, don't u think? :) these are really big decisions we face in the future, but i think, i'm hoping that we will all do what feels right for anything we face <3

i hope this was able to bring you some comfort love !!! i think about this stuff all the time about being a good parent, being a good partner, if i ever will find love in this life, will my past experiences affect how i love in the future; i want u to know i am here and i understand <3