#my therapist says i'm a very intentional person and i want to believe them

[slippery-minghus]

ah. have officially hit the point of exhaustion for this move that unless someone literally sets a plate of food in front of me, i'm not going to be able to feed myself.

well... i will be able to feed myself. because i'm amazing at breaking through my own limits no matter the cost, because support is not something i get to have. it's fine. i'm great at this. having support needs is irrelevant when there is no one *to* help. so i just gotta figure it out.

[hogwartshotel]

putting on my trauma therapist hat

Full Moon spoilers under the cut.

Okay so if people are mad at Blitzø after that episode, send them here!

I am, in real life, a licensed therapist who works with PTSD, so I feel like I have some hopefully helpful perspective to offer here.

I've started to see a some "I get it, Blitzø has issues, but he fucked that whole thing up", and I want to talk a bit more about how PTSD works. If any of this resonates with you personally, I recommend seeking a therapist who specializes in trauma!

There are five categories in which we expect trauma to effect people's beliefs about themselves, others and the world, long-term: trust, safety, power and control, intimacy, and self-esteem. So let's take a look at those in this scene. They do overlap.

Trust. That heartbreaking line where Stolas says "I didn't realize you thought so lowly of me" is a result of Blitzø expressing that he's never had complete trust in Stolas's intentions. Hard to blame him -- trust is something we first learn in early childhood. Imagine trying to learn trust from someone like Blitzø's dad. People often have difficulty trusting not only others, but also themselves and their own judgment.

Safety. This really ties into power and control below. Imagine that Blitzø's whole personality has come from a desire to keep himself safe -- he's good with guns, he's his own boss, he doesn't have close relationships so he can't be rejected, he puts on an air of over confidence. Having any of that challenged can shake his whole set of beliefs about himself and the world.

Power and control. When something traumatic happens to us, we can often feel ourselves. We often try to limit our experiences to ones we feel we have control over, because our brains convince ourselves this will keep us safe. We've seen Stolas come to realize that their arrangement gives him more power over Blitzø than he's comfortable with. We've also seen Blitzø attempting to exert his own power -- by keeping Stolas at arm's length, by being the one to direct their sexual encounters (not saying that you need to have trauma in order to be dominant), by doing everything he can to keep the sex interesting so that Stolas won't end the deal. Stolas is doing the right thing by giving Blitzø the crystal, but it freaks him the fuck out. He's already figured out how to have power in the situation, and he's been operating under the assumption that Stolas also likes having this power over him (that part is more theoretical, but I see Blitzø as someone who assumes that everyone thinks the way he does about this shit). So having that dynamic suddenly changed makes him panic. It triggers a fear response. He reacts in a way that assumes it's a game or a trick. The idea that someone would willingly give up power sets of alarm bells in his mind.

Intimacy. Obviously, this is a big one in their dynamic, and it's going to tie in a lot to esteem. It is very common for folks with trauma histories to have difficulties forming intimate connections -- if you've read the above stuff about trust, it's probably easy to see why. In his part of the duet, we hear Blitzø acknowledging that the situation is feeling a little complicated, but that he's going to avoid that by focusing on the sex aspect. The idea of emotional intimacy is terrifying to him.

Esteem. Blitzø does not believe that he is capable of being loved, or that anyone who gets to know him will want to stay with him. We see a lot of that in the "bad trip" scene back in season 1. Hearing Stolas express feelings for him is terrifying. I'm not sure exactly what goes through his head, but it might be something like "I'm going to fuck this up," "he's lying," or "he doesn't know what he's talking about."

So. Imagine all of that getting triggered at once. I'm not saying that Blitzø handled it well or that he isn't responsible for his actions, I'm just saying it's really understandable that he didn't handle it perfectly. Quite frankly, I thought it was going to go a lot worse -- he does get angry and say hurtful things, but we immediately see him regret it and reach out to Stolas, and I was expecting him to need a lot longer to stop being angry. I am curious to see if he's going to go to a self-destructive spiral ("I always do this, I fucked it up again, why bother even trying") or if he's going to break the pattern and figure out a way to make it right. Seeing as the next episode is called "apology tour," I'm guessing we're going to see the latter -- but that is honestly huge character growth.

[icycoldninja]

Thank you so much for doing my first request!! I love your writing, alot!! if your requests are still open, can i have another request?

Basically the sparda boys + v with therapist!reader because they need therapy! Also reader is secretly a billionaireso reader pays the bills in the devil may cry office, spoils them with the sutff they like and always checks on them, telling them that they can let their feelings out, like a therapist !!

if your requests are closed, you can delete this <3

Thanks so much!! Don't worry, requests are still open. Enjoy!

Sparda boys + V x Therapist!Reader headcannons

¤ Dante ¤

-Dante's the definition of "but I'm fine" after talking for 2 hours.

-Expect him to be very moody and sulky during therapy cause he's not used to venting on such a personal level before.

-His jokes get progressively lamer as each layer of trauma is shed, eventually revealing himself as the sad, broken man he really is.

-Is very surprised when all his bills magically get paid by an anonymous person who keeps sending him money and pizza to Devil May Cry every week.

-Never realizes you are his mysterious benefactor but he appreciates what is being done for him and doesn't hesitate to tell you all about his secret caregiver. It makes your day to hear how happy you make him.

-He slowly becomes more comfortable with talking his feelings out, and once that happens, he becomes an unstoppable chatterbox.

■ Vergil ■

-Vergil hates the very idea of therapy because he believes he is a MOTIVATED individual who is independent enough to handle his inner issues on his own.

-However, you're very persistent and manage to get him to sit down for a session, much to his reluctance.

-You're oddly kind to him and listen to all his troubles with an open mind--something he's not used to. Though at first he is very cagey about everything, Vergil gladly warms up to you and confesses his deeper secrets.

-He finds it very odd that a secret benefactor has just started sending him presents and money only a few days after he began seeing you as his therapist. It could be a coincidence, but then...maybe not.

-Although he wants to know who is sending him gifts, he decides to just let his mysterious benefactor run their course and not spoil their intentions. Who knows, they might reveal themselves someday.

-Starts writing thank-you notes and leaves them out on the doorstep for you to find.

□ Nero □

-Nero is against therapy for personal reasons. He thinks he alone should know all his secrets and issues, and that he alone should deal with them. He doesn't need outsiders meddling in his affairs.

-He demonstrates his dislike for therapy by being the most rebellious, recalcitrant jerk to have ever walked into your office.

-He talks back to you almost all the time, is extremely rude, and once stole a set of ballpoint pens from your desk because he didn't like how you were jotting down everything he said.

-When he finds random gifts and things being sent to him, as well as his bills being mysteriously paid, Nero gets very suspicious. We're you giving away his address to stalkers?

-Slowly, Nero realizes that his mysterious benefactor is only looking out for him and supporting him, though for what reasons, he has no idea.

-He's grateful for all this help, but still a little wary. He doesn't trust you yet, but maybe with time, he will someday.

● V ●

-V is probably the only one here who actually agrees with the idea of therapy.

-He was a little nervous at first, but seeing how warm and welcoming you are to him relaxes him a lot.

-He's shy and doesn't say all that much at first, but over time, you manage to coax him into speaking to you more.

-He is pleasantly surprised when gifts and bits of money start appearing at his doorstep nearly every day, because last he checked, he didn't have a steady job.

-He can't figure out who's doing this, but he's grateful all the same. He'd love to meet whoever's behind this and thank them for their generosity.

-V's taken up baking treats and leaving them on the doorstep in cute boxes as a way to thank his unseen gift giver.

[insanelyadd]

Some Collector Character Analysis

Annoyed by people who say that the Collector's personality changed "for no reason" or who say they preferred him from season 2. Like. There is a reason he changed. He was being abused, manipulated, lied to, for 350+ years. Before that it's implied they were, at the very least, neglected by their family. I don't like when people say they preferred how he acted in season two because he was "actually threatening" or "interesting" or whatever because as someone who knows enough about this kind of thing (and that's all you're getting from me), when I see the Collector in season 2, I see a child who is reacting to their environment.

He was never evil, he was in pain and trying to conform to what he thought was expected of him by the adult that was "taking care" of him, that he thought he was friends with.

People talk about fight or flight, when there's actually three other responses, freeze, friend/fawn, and flop. I propose that the Collector's response is fawn, which is described as

"The fawn response may show up as people-pleasing, even to your detriment. You may use compliance and helpfulness to avoid abuse; you disregard your happiness and well-being no matter how poorly someone treats you. This trauma response is often used to diffuse conflict and return to a feeling of safety."

As another layer to this, I was talking to my therapist about the Collector and I asked her how a child who is very neglected might act, since I HC the Archivists were neglectful to them and also they were trapped in solitary confinement for like 2000 years minimum. And she told me "Well they would have attachment issues" either in that they cannot attach to people at all or they are instantly very attached to people. And I think it's the second one, because we see multiple times that the Collector is immediately trusting of people when he meets them. They didn't like Luz but as soon as they think they have the opportunity to befriend her, they immediately become attached. And obviously there was him trying to befriend Belos even after everything he's done to EVERYONE including them.

So I think it's super believable that they immediately attached to Belos, believing everything he was told, and trying very hard to appease and appeal to him, adopting a persona of cruelty, even if they didn't like it. He was doing it to survive, he was doing it because he was desperate for some form of love or approval.

So when we see him in season 3, the reason he's behaving differently could be multiple things:

They are now attached to King and are trying to behave more like King to appease him because that's how he lived for multiple centuries

He never was genuinely evil or malicious, at least not to the extent that he played that part in season 2, though he potentially had some more callous tendencies due to the circumstances of his family and culture

He is no longer being actively abused and the less stressful environment has drastically improved his mood and mental health

I'm willing to bet it might even be all three at once. When you're in pain you are not your best self, pain makes you behave irrationally, angrily, cruelly, especially when the pain never seems to stop, and it's even worse when you're a child and might not even recognize what's happening to you. Belos being gone, and being around King, who is also a good kid with some occasional Mal-intent, "changed" their personality because they weren't conforming themself to play the stressful role of evil side-kick in an act of self-preservation.

So anyways the Collector is cool and I love them and want to adopt them and get him some therapy.

[findingmypeace]

Emotionally, I've been avoiding it, but Friday was my last day at in-person iop and Monday will be my first day of virtual. I'm having a very hard time with leaving in-person. Friday's iop was so special. Most of them did not know that it was going to be my last day until the night before. By chance we ended up with a group time with no therapist to lead group. So instead we had an impromptu, client led goodbye group for me. I felt so understood and like they saw, despite my efforts to keep the mask on, the real me. One of the girls played the song Rainbow by Kacey Musgraves. I had never heard that song before. I really, really needed to hear that. Some of the things they said, I had never heard about myself before. (Things like "You bring so much life to the room." "You're a vibe.") Those are comments I've always wanted to hear but never thought of myself that way.

My treatment team was amazing. I may be a little biased because one of them works with me as part of my outpatient team. I'm glad I will get to keep seeing her but it was nice to see her in person rather than virtually. Overall, I felt very connected to all the staff despite it being a relatively short stay. Emotionally, it feels like I'm being abandoned while logically I know that's not the case. Emotionally, I feel like I'm being left alone by myself to handle the pain while logically I know that is not what's happening. I'm scared. One thing my therapist repeatedly says to me (and it's really comforting) is that she will not leave me if I recover. I believe her. Sure, life happens and circumstances change. We can't predict the future but I believe her that, in this moment, her intention is to see me through this process. All of it.

I know I'm not being left behind or alone and there will be support from this virtual iop, my friends (like LS, RY, and TM) and my outpatient team but I'm scared.

[henrysglock]

Honestly these anons seem like chronically online Gen Z queer people to me. I say this as a Gen Z queer person who is ALSO very online, just THAT online. Bigotry, biphobia, etc. obviously exist, but when their core argument is essentially that a tumblr blogger saying a character is gay = biphobia, and not only that, but is somehow "one of the most wildly bigoted things" they've ever heard, that's... wow.

Tell me your entire sense of identity is shaped by TikTok discourse, Twitter battles, and fictional ships without telling me. Tell me you don't experience rl bigotry without telling me. I'm GLAD this is the post HS-world and things are better for lots of LGBTQ+ teens, but it also often just creates whatever... this is. It reminds me of this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/15nabrt/how_do_you_add_this_clouds_background/

It also seems like they expect ST to follow modern 2024 zoomer ideals instead of being a show set in an 80s context with specific narrative intentions. They wanna make the show into their own image instead of actually looking at the show and accepting what it says.

How are they not exhausted? Also, why do they care if you believe Henry is gay? No one's stopping them from believing otherwise.

Ate and left no crumbs.

Also, why do they care if you believe Henry is gay? No one's stopping them from believing otherwise.

Half of them seem to think that me saying Henry is gay takes away from Patty and her narrative importance, and that I'm doing so because I'm racist and misogynistic/I hate black women/etc.

What they don't seem to realize is that my actual point is: Patty is so much more than her relationship to Henry, and that her relationship to him is far more complex than "boy loves girl", just like Henry's relationship to Patty is more complex than "boy loves girl".

It's a whole thing that like...I don't think they understand that in their arguments against Henry as a gay man, they're tokenizing Patty as a black woman and she's the token "interracial rep" to them, just like Henry would be the token "bi rep" to them. Or if they do understand all that, they're being intentionally obtuse about it.

By using her relationship with Henry as a talking point they're reducing her down to her relationship with the white boy. In doing that, they argue in favor of Patty being nothing more than Henry's girlfriend/"I can fix him" therapist-y role. I'm not sure they realize exactly how destructive a narrative like that is, especially for a woman of color in relation to a white man. In reducing Patty to Henry's girlfriend, they're also erasing Patty's own queer coding, specifically her lesbian coding, as well as her struggle to use her "normal" relationship with Henry to find a place where she fits in/is accepted and where she can also gain autonomy from her controlling white father in a racist, heteronormative, patriarchal society that wants her to be as white-assimilated, "normal", and wife-ly as possible. She's seeking safety, rebellion, and emotional connection in a boy who "matches her freak", so to speak.

Henry, as a sweet, lonely, nerdy, gay white boy, is a golden goose. Patty, as a pretty, nerdy, ostracized weirdogirl, is Henry's golden goose. Supernatural aspects aside, they're each other's life rafts in a society that would condemn the "real" them.

But sure! Let's ignore all that for "he was a boy, she was a girl...Can I make it any more obvious?"

On top of that: I would still feel the same way about hentty and gay Henry if Patty was a white girl, which is evident in my feelings on Mike, El, and miIeven.

The other half re: bisexuality...well. We've been over that.

[flagellant]

if I can barely move and due to the mental illness am unable to leave my bed and can't think or rest and am so overwhelmed by horrible OCD thoughts that I scream and wail every few minutes then how do I 'get help'.

I'm very tired and have nobody i am comfy talking to. leaving my bed isn't an option. I worry I will die soon or wish I will have.

I say this with as much consideration and empathy for a stranger going through a difficult situation as I can, Anon, so I hope you understand what I am about to say through that lens. You're already having a hard enough time from what it sounds like, and I don't wish to make it harder.

With that said: This is a really fucked up message to send me. You are a stranger who I do not know, and you do not know me except through the content of my blog that I assume you follow. We aren't close friends where we share each other's deepest feelings and bond over them. I feel like it is safe to assume you're feeling lonely and trying to reach out for help, but what you have done here is place me in a situation where, by you stating you have suicidal ideation, I am now in a difficult ethical and moral spot.

I cannot provide comfort for you as a stranger, and I do not wish for us to become more than strangers. I am deeply uncomfortable with the position you have placed me in, uncomfortable enough that I want very badly to just block you and never think about this again. However, the way you have phrased this makes me fear for your life to some extent, and the obvious question is obviously answered if the question is "Would not responding potentially impact their mental health for the worse?".

And I get that you have nobody that you feel comfortable enough to talk to. But that doesn't mean that you should approach strangers facelessly on the internet to vent how you wish you would die. That is far beyond boundary-crossing and entering into the realm of emotional manipulation, though I'm sure that wasn't your intent. You seem like a nice person, or if nothing else, I have no reason to believe you aren't.

I'm not a therapist, a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, Anon. And it's unfair of you to send this message to me and force me to try and be one for you with the threat hanging over my head of "Okay but what if they kill themselves because of me?". I hope you understand that I do not mean it personally when I say that I hope you can find the help that you need to get through these times, but please don't message me again like this, or I will be forced to block you the next time.

[cosmichighpriestess]

Off with their heads.

Chosen ones, a lot of people are finding out the hard way that you are not the same person you used to be. They are fucking around and they are finding out. These pickmeishas, these attention whores if you will are using your energy, your presence, your name for their own reputations and their own benefit while smearing your name and smiling in your face. These cowards could never tell you to your face they talked badly on your name for years. Not knowing who you were, not knowing your name holds weight in high places, not knowing by cursing you they are cursing themselves.

They are talking a lot but not much of substance is coming out of their dirty mouths. When you are a person who walks in integrity, you chosen ones, and you are also very understanding, compassionate, kind, forgiving with lower vibrational people, (not being disrespectful, its better than calling them a narcissist) many of these people will take your kindness for weakness. They downplayed our strength, our intelligence, they downplayed our ability to stand up for ourselves over and over. They play the boy who cried wolf while throwing the stones at your back. Archangel Michael is laughing hysterically at them. God is saying, stand back my children and watch what I will do while they think you are all alone.

Many of us feared being seen as the villain or even being excluded from the family or group for speaking out against injustices when being disrespected, abused, neglected, not believed and downplayed but now we don't care what anyone thinks because we rather be hated for who we are than loved for who we are not. We know who we are, we know we always have pure intentions and want everyone to win because that's who we are as souls connected to the most high. That is why we don't care what anyone thinks about our reputation or our healthy boundaries and our self respect, our self love because we know we will already be misunderstood for protecting our peace. We've accepted we will be misunderstood for life. Unbothered by people living in denial and unbothered what they think because we have already been through hell, we have already died a million times, gone through the dark night of the soul for years and been reborn so we're not going through disrespect again for someone who doesn't know any better it's like watching toddlers try to play with the big boys. In my case, I'm a high priestess with authority to cast out demons.

We burn bridges because we know we can swim. We see through the illusionary game the first time around and we don't stick around to find out that you're a person who lacks integrity and that is sent to hold us back. They are mad that we see through their game before they can even play it. We were always powerful but we didn't want to abuse our own power, some of course were blinded to our own power for decades and we thought we had none until we went on their own self discovery journey. Our journey into the unknown was our journey into self. People saw our power before we did. They didn't want us to see our own power and light so they constantly put us down relying on our kindness and forgiveness to get away with their disrespect and abuse for years and decades. Now we're becoming free and being set free while receiving our good karma but we can still observe the lower dimensions of people living in anxiety, fear, chaos and their own hell they created by hurting innocent children and people.

These people would come into our lives and drain our energy. These energetic vampires were feasting on our pure energy and light because they lost their own light. People saw us as naive and sweet until they met the multiple different aspects of us by using their insults disguised as jokes. Many people saw me as a therapist in their own life to dump all of their problems onto. People would literally say to me. ," that was a great therapy session let's do this again next time. " leaving me completely drained. Leaving me feeling used. Never holding space for me to talk about my own life and traumas then gaslighting me to make me doubt my own intuition when I told the truth about their family member or friend.

So I isolated myself for years and then I was called stuck up, selfish, two faced, manipulative, evil etc. for taking my energy and time back. I barely had any energy to begin, as being a single autistic mom is already draining enough. I had so much compassion and so much love to give that it was easy for them to take advantage of my kind nature. Can you imagine attacking a single mom all because she triggered your insecurities by existing and smiling? My happiness was triggering for miserable people so I hid my smile for years. They had to steal my joy anytime I was caught smiling or feeling good. But they didn't know that I had another side to me that I never wanted to unleash on any soul. Now, because so many people have mistaken my kindness for weakness, I have unleashed the lion within me. People are finding out the hard way not to disrespect me, oppress me or mistreat me and I'm sure chosen ones you are going through a similar situation. Our intuition is always screaming at us who is for us and against us.

Every single person I encounter is testing my boundaries, testing the waters to see what they can get away with and they are getting away with nothing. I am calling out abuse left and right. I am calling out years of mistreatment, disrespect, belittlement, manipulation, weaponized incompetence, gaslighting, control, smear campaigns, and neglect every single time. These arrogant people feel entitled to our time and energy as if they even deserved it in the first place. They perceive us as being alone and think they can get away with anything because physically, yes we are alone. Spiritually however we are far from alone. Archangel Michael loves and stands up for his Chosen ones. His behavior mimics almost similar to demonic activity.

He watches and waits to see what these lower vibrational people will do when presented with a loving, innocent looking, healing person in front of them. He lets them fuck around with us until it goes too far. Archangel Michael does not play about his Earth Angels and chosen ones. His behavior shows when there is an evil injustice done to innocents. These foolish elementary level humans actually believe that they are entitled to our presence and that we owe them our presence, our time,our money, our abundance, our energy, our healing, our labor and our wisdom while giving us nothing but trauma in return. They think that they can talk to us any way that they want, treat us however they want, waste our valuable time, energy and use us for free. They exploited us and inserted misery into our lives as payment for all the unconditional love and healing we gave them along with our abundance and luck we earned. They manipulated us into giving them what they wanted.

As if our energy and time are not valuable, as if we are not worthy of respect and boundaries. It is a shame that they have to find out the hard way that we were never alone. We only appeared to be alone. We are used as bait for people that have bad intentions for Earth Angels to receive their karma. Now they will face the same situations they wished upon us, which for some they wished death upon us. They should have found something more safe to play with. Come out, come out wherever you are God says. My chosen ones will be vindicated and you will receive everything that you are due. May everyone receive what they deserve.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia,

Behind-the-scenes-fic-ask, number 21 and falling falling stars please ❤️

21. What is something you didn't expect people to notice or gravitate towards in this fic?

Ooooo, okay, actually quite a few things!

So the biggest one is that I just never expected to have Dr Gary be anything more than an extremely minor character that Efnisien mostly reflected on. I never planned to write whole sessions, and the first one was only a section of a chapter rather than a whole chapter, because I thought readers would hate it.

I actually really hate reading a lot of fictional therapy sessions, especially when that's not the focus of the fic. Most fictional therapy sessions read like 'therapist is narrating pop psychology and telling this character everything they want to hear and they're subbing in for a kind parental figure' at best.

There are exceptions to that, but for the most part, I find that boring - it feels like a kind of writing that is not quite lazy, but a bit 'there are other more interesting ways to share this.' Therapists don't feel like real people in those circumstances, with their own motives, thoughts, intentions and drives. They feel like an extended part of the character's brain, or they feel like an empty function.

But Dr Gary was like, was a hit. I was getting a lot of asks about him, a lot of interest about him in the comments, and in the first few chapters, me and my beta actually kind of shipped him and Efnisien together before he met Arden (that's how we ended up with Underline the Black lol).

So yeah, that's the biggest one!!! And that one is a pretty big one. :D

Otherwise, I was also surprised by (but maybe shouldn't have been) how many Kadek/Efnisien shippers there are and Kadek/Efnisien/Arden shippers. I was like...hmm...how can I put this - Kadek has darker brown skin, and in those cases some readers don't really go for that chemistry. He's also 20~ years older than Efnisien, though he doesn't act like it, lol. Like, I personally shipped them even though I wasn't going to write them into the main story, but I was very reserved/aware that people might not want that. Especially with how confrontational and sometimes even mean Kadek can be.

Honestly that was like, probably the nicest surprise. It wasn't that I expected people to be awful, often I try and go in with fairly open expectations, it was more like I was prepared for people to not feel/see what I was feeling/seeing about a character. And I was okay with that, because he's a side character. But we got way, way more scenes with Kadek because of how people responded to him.

This story really couldn't have been what it became without the readers! The best part about not planning a story is I can follow the kind of momentum of readers. I don't believe in caving to fanservicey stuff, but I do believe in 'oh you're open to this? I can give you more of this!' or 'oh you like him!!! Yay!! I do too! Let's experiment with a whole therapy session chapter and see how y'all feel about it.'

:D That's my favourite part of writing, honestly. I actually kind of feel bad for the people who don't read fics as they go like this, and just read it all when it's completed at the end. Because they miss this kind of alive creation of this ongoing story, and they miss being a part of it. And obviously they also miss the agony of waiting for chapters, but as someone who reads WIPs myself, idk there's something very cool about seeing something come to life - especially like, if say early on you are like 'I love this character so much' and then a bunch of other people say it, and then the author is like 'well this character can make the story stronger so good news everyone, I'm putting him in more because you all love him so much.'

That's... like... *chef's kiss*

~

From this meme!

[drdemonprince]

Also internal family systems anon I havent forgot you! Here are some late night vacation thoughts:

You described not wanting to go to therapy as meaning a person isn't presently interested in healing. There's an assumption lurking in there that it would be good for a therapist in training to check. Not all therapeutic experiences bring healing, some make a person's life way worse, and because of the power differential it can be actively damaging to some populations who desperately need more agency and can't risk losing it. Sometimes accepting oneself and not believing that one needs an authority figure to help them find healing is far more beneficial, some people do not want any change of any kind regardless and that's up to them, etc. I know youre well intentioned on this that's why I'm bringing it up. Therapists need to be very aware of how much power and pain they can be bringing to the room.

You mentioned that the goal of IFS therapy is in fact identity integration, and I stand corrected! I still think for some the parts framework can be triggering, especially for maskers who view themselves as having separate selves and don't enjoy/benefit from that, but I hear you that such a metaphor can be avoided by the therapist. I hope lots of IFS therapists are as aware of this and willing to tweak the language as you!

Finally, you asked about my own prior issues with regard to depersonalization and a fractured sense of self. To be honest, I and a hypnodom used hard core brainwashing files on me for hours per day for weeks to create a robotic persona that was controlling my life and locking away my emotions most hours of the day and bombarding my consciousness with identity and emotion erasing mantras all the times that it wasnt. it was all terribly sexy but it turned me insane. I know other kinky autistics with similar breakdown experiences. I have to steer pretty clear from some talk of being an internal system because it makes me dissociate like crazy bc my brain is very very inclined to do it. it already was before all this shit and then i dug in a huge groove in it by force. ive actually had multiple breakdowns with various attempts at this type of thing, but that was the worst one.

today i cant really tolerate the idea of me having separate selves or parts vying for control with one another. highly insane making topic. far better for me to instead think of myself as a dynamic being in an ever evolving context. an external view of the context and moment is far more helpful to me bc i already gaze inward and hyper analyze my inclinations and history a debilitating amount. my routines my environment how im treating my body, all that i can change.

but again, ymmv! ive heard many autistics say they love ifs.

[growandrecover]

hey!! I’m in ed recovery but what do I do if I don’t think I’m “bad” enough to recover?? I don’t think I was ever clinically underweight so can I even identify with the ana (or, recovering ana) label? I feel like I can’t recover until I’m properly validated as sick. do u have any tips on how to combat this feeling? tysm, I love ur blog!

Hey! Thanks for the ask <3 I know exactly how you feel. Yes, being underweight is a symptom of anorexia (a *big* one, for whatever reason), but the way I think about it, if a fat person was anorexic, they may not "technically" qualify, but that doesn't make them any less anorexic. You don't need to be underweight to be an ana (although some of them may tell you otherwise, do not listen to them. So many anas are in a very unhealthy headspace where they tell people they need to be sicker, which is frankly not true.) If you feel like/know you are anorexic, you are sick enough to recover. Why? Because if you didn't feel that way, there would be nothing to recover from.

Let me say this to you really quick: You are valid in your disorder. You are sick enough. I'm sure you've heard this before, but people who aren't sick don't think the way we do in terms of needing to feel "sick enough" in order to heal. This is another way our disorders trap us in this endless cycle of harmful behaviors. We convince ourselves we're not sick enough, and we only get worse in the process, which doesn't do any good.

To help with those thoughts, you could write them down whenever one pops into your head. For me personally, when I see my thoughts written down, they become more real. So if I see "I'm not sick enough" written down in front of me, there's a high chance I'll go, "woah, why would I ever think that?". I know everyone is different, so you may need to try something else.

You could talk to someone if you're able to (if you can't get a therapist, try talking to someone who doesn't have an ed because their point of view is so different *only if you know they'll be supportive and won't just tell you to eat*). I say get a person without an ed because I remember telling my younger sibling about certain things having to do with my ed, and they'd always think it was so odd. To them, rules around food are ridiculous. Hearing them say "you want to look like them?" or "I'm eating the same thing, and I'm okay." is so reassuring because it seems so well intentioned and wholesome. They've always encouraged me to eat, especially the foods they know I love. Their point of view always puts my ed related problems into perspective because they have a healthy relationship with food.

If you don't want to do that, you could always just try affirming yourself. Any time your ed voice is really getting to you, you could try saying, "I am sick enough. This particular thing is bothering me so much because I'm sick. Xyz wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have an ed." If you don't believe that right now, that's okay. Sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it.

And one last time, just for good measure: You are sick enough. If you weren't, you wouldn't be worried about it. You can do this, I know you can. You're strong, and you can beat this disorder.

I wish you nothing but success and happiness in recovery, love. Have a great day/night ♡ And feel free to reach out again if you need to talk!

[dwtdog]

Since her job is to make me get my shit together she didn't let me bring up irrelevant topics until the very end so it was just a brief discussion

She really didn't say anything new I outlined the situation and she said it's clearly not a black and white situation and everyone was partly at fault. initially when I said 18 and 26 she made a face but later she said that the added context was really important (they were both drunk, he had reasons to not ask her age (USA) and so on). She also said I need to make up my own mind 😔

but like I said I was rushing to get the story out in time so I left out things like her getting up and then returning and I also didn't mention the power dynamic debate cause I didn't want her to guess I was talking about youtubers so she is missing a lot of context and I also forgot to mention we're only hearing about this like a year later anyway

I said from the information available to us (I kept telling her we don't actually know everything) I don't believe he had malicious intent and he backed off when told (elevator? If I'm remembering correctly) and she said the only way to learn is by being told (I phrased that bad idk like he can't know her boundaries unless she expresses them yk) and that fact that he backed off proves that. But doesn't change the fact that she was uncomfortable even if it's not completely his fault. She also said he needs to be more aware of how he's coming off to others (which Ik he said or whatever in the vid).

She also said the girl wasn't completely without blame for how this situation was presented to the internet and then blown out of proportion which lead to the next point

I told her she was there with friends and they left without her and she said it's possibly she felt betrayed that her friends left her a situation she was uncomfortable in and is taking out on the best target (for her brain) (as Georg was the one that made her uncomfortable even if he didn't do anything wrong).

But obviously none of us know these people personally and we weren't there and my therapist is missing a lot of information so no one take her word as fact just cause she's a therapist. Honestly I could've spent an entire session debating this but we didn't have time sorry Katie you can pay for your own therapy I'm not attending therapy in your place. I'm sorry this is so messy I'm not good at writing

There you go Jesus fuck that was exhausting

-sea

really interesting actually :o

[goldxnfemme]

As someone in the psych field and whos seen the darker less-discussed pitfalls of therapy- i wanted to ask you something abt your practice. What, as a shrink, do you plan to do to eliminate the power imbalance between therapist and client? Therapists have an extreme power over vulnerable people- those who have chronic trauma, poor boundaries, psychotic disorders and who’s reality is not so concrete and therefore they are easier to manipulate (and might not see the signs as easy as someone with a trained eye or a safe upbringing.) Its great to be trustworthy and have them put faith in you- but how do you plan to level the playing field and make sure the people you provide care to are not just placing their bleeding hearts in your hands and hoping you don’t crush it? What do you do so that a person knows you wouldn’t think of hurting them while at the same time giving them the material means to make sure you cant at all? Nobody can do this perfectly of course, but what steps have you taken in that direction, if any at all?

This is a great question and a question that I don't think is asked often enough. Healthcare professionals in general have a lot of power over their clients. It's not asked enough specially because some approaches sort of rely on that, such as psychoanalysis, from everything I've learned of it at uni, there's a huge emphasis on the power imbalance and why it should be maintained. That was never an approach that I identified with, though I have a lot of colleagues that follow it.

Regardless of the many possibilities of fault for my approach, as with any other approach, I do believe if used correctly that's an advantage of CBT, because, with the way I was trained at the very least, it is highly collaborative, with emphasis on feedback and trust. I want to be told if I got something wrong, if I misunderstood, I want to be told if I suggested something that didn't work, I want to be corrected if I made a mistake, so I can course correct, and for a lot of clients that takes some habit building and work on skills to be able to do that, but it is part of the therapeutic process. And being able to do that correctly as a professional requires a lot of introspection, experience and sometimes supervision.

With my approach, my goal is to move the directing of therapy from me to my client, knowing that we both have responsibility with the process, but that I'm here to empower them and help them manage situations in a way that they won't need me forever. It is silly of a therapist to need to be needed that way.

As a professional I have no intention to act like I am the person that has all the answers or will give you the answers, because that's not how I see this process, I'm only here to help in the process. Not only that, but I work on my biases and my own issues with my therapist, that I've been seeing for years now, which is something mental health professionals have to be extremely conscious of, what are you letting of yourself bleed onto your client's session?

I'll say it, I think every mental health professional should keep up with their own therapy because if you're not, you can get in your own way and in the way of your clients.

Another point is recognizing my limits and points that affect my core and my own insecurities. Countertransference can be worked on, but when I notice my biases, I'm not afraid of referring a client to a professional that better suits them. I think it is a huge mistake to make (providing) therapy a pride and ego thing and too many professionals still make that mistake.

As a therapist, it is essential to work on myself to be conscious of these things, it's essential not to become too confident and complacent, not only because it is unethical but it'd be sabotaging my work and my clients. I always have more to learn and I learn a lot with my clients. I'm not somebody that's never going to make mistakes, I'm not this all knowing, all powerful being.

I don't have universal knowledge and skills. Which is another reason why I don't take every case.

Being a therapist is constant work on yourself as a person and as a professional to be aware of what ways you can fuck up and try to avoid it as best as you can.

As a somewhat tangential point, I think we need to work as a society on the systemic power we give healthcare professionals in general. I was just thinking about the absurdity of mental health providers having the power to basically qualify someone as trans enough or not for certain procedures they might need. It comes down to the pathologising of individuals and empowering of systems. And I'd talk a lot more about this but it's getting late.

[laconic-nightmares]

hii im the intrusive thoughts anon. could you explain like, more further why it wouldn't work? what it feels like? what its like for the shard of me that is shouldering the thoughts? I don't mean to argue I just want to know more truly why it's not a horrible last resort I can pursue, considering the dire circumstances.

a large part of the problem is the nature of intrusive thoughts and ocd itself. while it is true that people with OCD do tend to have stronger and more common intrusive thoughts than people without it, the main problem is that your brain has locked itself into a pattern of thought > reaction > compulsion. a lot of people think the issue is the triggering thought, but it is actually the reaction and resulting compulsion that are the issue. without changing how you react, very little is going to change. our entire system continues to have intrusive thoughts but only a couple of us are particularly affected by them.

another problem is that intentional splitting/creation of headmates in order to give them certain roles/traits/personalities is... difficult, and they never turn out exactly as you 'plan' for them to. hell, cyneric and caim were supposed to be the same headmate and their personalities turned out like water and oil, and i never expected zathrian to be so aggressively possessive.

as for what it would feel like for the one taking on the thoughts, frankly caim isn't actually bothered by the violent thoughts that were given to it at the time, but the ocd adapted and decided to go for things that do bother it and we're having to work out how to deal with having sexual intrusive thoughts basically constantly when it's out because it's sex repulsed so of course the thoughts would go there

the issue i brought up in that other post was more specifically about the fact that you wanted to repress that part of yourself if you split it off. for this i suppose i will put it the way i did to a different system's host who was struggling with most of their alters being persecutors at the time;

imagine being a thinking, conscious being with your own wants and needs, but being locked away in someone else's head. you have no one to talk to, not even the one person who even knows you exist will actually acknowledge you or what you want. how would you feel in that position? it is not surprising for resentment to grow under such conditions

i would not necessarily discourage you trying to become a system if all other avenues of help are outside of your grasp at this point in time. specific OCD informed therapy with a good therapist is obviously the best case scenario, but it's also pretty rare to get ahold of, and i recognize that many of the other options are either impossible to get or risk making things worse.

but if you start off your relationship with the mind you want to bring into the world by antagonizing them, it will likely cause the both of you more pain than if you hadn't. at the least in terms of harm reduction my advice would be to show both them and yourself as much kindness as you can, to build a relationship on companionship and help for each other rather than for them to simply shoulder your burdens in silence

the only other thing i want to say is to remind you that these thoughts are not who you are. they do not dictate your morals, your actions, the safety of the people around you or anything about you other than just the fact you have them. i know it's kinda the whole point of them that that is hard to believe, but it is still true.

i know this is hard, i know it sucks so much shit, and i'm sorry you're struggling with this. you deserve peace and kindness, no matter what this illness tells you otherwise.

[nathank77]

7/9/24

9:28 p.m

Don't get me wrong it's a hard job and it's easy to burn out on it bc people have their own mental health issues and their own issues ingeneral.

I'm just saying that as a client who has seen 50+ therapists only 3 out of 50 of them cared.

Maybe some of those others did care. Maybe they went into it for the right reasons.... but whether it's burn out or bad intentions from the start they give the whole field a bad fucking name.

Idk if Elise reads my blog but I want her to understand I know it's hard work to get a masters degree. I know the clinical hours during pre license is hard, I know getting your own practice is generally the dream for most therapists and I know that they don't get benefits like insurnace and paid leave and shit.

I don't want to look like an asshole bc Erin has explained to me in detail how she doesn't have insurance, it's all out of pocket and how she's an independent contractor. I get the taxes are higher.

I get the work is demanding when you actually care, and Elise and Erin and Mike actually care and it's exhausting work.

I'm not an asshole. I actually get it and making a living is fucking important. I just wish more therapists actually cared. I just wish this wasn't my experience.

The only way to protect myself is to go back to my old belief system. Then the problem isn't me it's just burn out or the vast majority of people going into it for the wrong reasons.

I didn't go for social work bc I would burn out caring TOO MUCH about my clients.

I'm not discrediting your work. The ones who care are the ones who have saved me and I'm thankful for you.

I still want to know Elise personally but if she ever reads I don't want her to think I think her job is easy. I don't want her to think I'm discounting her masters or all the works she has put in. I look up to you. You're a role model to me at the very least bc you're such a good person and you actually do that job to help people, you cared so deeply about me you saved my life a million times. To this day you save my life Elise.

I couldn't imagine doing the taxes as an Independent contractor or trying to pay out of pocket for my insurance. I couldn't imagine the emotional energy it takes when you truly care. Disregard all of the bad I wrote and please see it's just about the ones that give it a bad name and unfortunately as a chronic client of mental health services it's the vast majority...

You are not the vast majority. You're the reason I still believe deep down that some people go into it for the right reasons.

And I know how hard it is to get a masters mine took 7 years.

Please try to look at this objectively I'm just trying to be able to fall asleep tonight and accept the problem isn't me, it's that the majority of all people are shit. In any given field. ANY. And it sucks as someone who really needs help.

You're the .00001% who save people. You're the .0001% that prove it is passion work. I just wish I had the mental energy to shuffle through until I find the next one who would care but I dont.

It isn't cushy when you are an Independent contractor and you have to build yourself up. Please don't think I'm talking down about you or you're career.

When Kristen asked me who my role model was you were my answer. I want to be like you. I care like you but I want to help people like you do.

[bread-gobgob]

Hi.

Mod Kanik here. I'd prefer to be called K. I do not go by this in real life, but if this post is ever found by its other owner, I do not want them to know my name.

WARNING. THIS POST DISCUSSES A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MINOR AND AN ADULT.

This blog was never all that active. The story Eni and I were writing was a wonderful escape from our horrid realities and was made better our writing together. I do not consider this blog a big part of my life, obviously. We never had any followers, we never put that much effort into it, but I do consider it a big deal. This blog is all I have left of Enigma. That is not a good thing. I think if I post this it'll give me the closure I need.

When bread-gobgob was created, I was - based on the dates of the posts - fifteen years old. For nearly three years, I had been chronically online and had developed a terrible bout of agoraphobia. This was the result of many things that I won't list, but most of all it was the result of a very long co-dependent relationship.

Usually, I really wouldn't find this relationship to be that big of a deal. Recently, I have been diagnosed with traits of BPD, I tend to be dependent on people. I tend to have unhealthy traits. I'm trying to get better at not doing that. However, the relationship I had with Enigma was an incredibly big deal. In fact, it was a huge deal. I was fifteen. Enigma was twenty.

I cannot keep my composure while talking about this, I apologise for that, but I'm not aiming to keep my composure here and act mature. I'm aiming to tell my story, because Enigma was an inherently fucked up person and I need to vent. I need to talk to someone about this. I need them to come back and see this at some point and understand what they did to me.

To tell the truth, their age never stood out to me.

I lost contact with Enigma right before my sixteenth birthday. I believe it was the eleventh, maybe twelfth of July? We had stopped talking long before that. I will give credit where credit is due, it is Enigma's sysmates that initiated the loss of contact. Engima was removed from their position as host and the system, from what I know, decided it would be best to ghost as they did not know any other way to tell me they didn't want me in their life anymore.

I thank them for that.

Since losing contact with them, I've made friends. I moved schools (I went to college) and made friends who weren't held hostage by their phone their whole teenhood, and I have spoken to these people about Enigma. I have spoken with my therapist about Enigma. I had long, long talks with my ex-girlfriend about Enigma.

All three parties had only one thing to say about it all. That being, that I was groomed.

My relationship with Engima was a struggle, but I want to be clear: our dynamic was only romantic for around nine months out of the three and a bit years we knew each other. I want to be even clearer: it was NEVER sexual. Not once. But it was unhealthy. PAINFULLY unhealthy.

I'm shaking as I write this so I apologise if this doesn't make sense. When I knew Enigma, they also had an extreme case of agoraphobia. I do not think they ever did what they did out of genuine ill-intent, I think this was just their very fucked up way of showing they cared. But that doesn't matter, because it was still manipulation.

I missed out on a lot of my teenage years - when I first got into a relationship with Engima (April 2019), I was twelve, turning thirteen and they were seventeen, turning eighteen. When I told them my age - a few days after my thirteenth birthday - we stayed together for another five months. They broke up with me on Jan 1st, 2020 because they were uncomfortable with my age. This was over Skype. They said that, in future, they'd be happy to get back together if the opportunity came about. They said that they would prefer to wait for us to both be adults before meeting. I agreed to this and we went on as best friends. But in spite of this breakup, we only grew closer.

When I say I missed out on a lot of my teenhood, I mean I never got to experience the big things. I never went to parties, I never smoked weed, I never got drunk, I never kissed anyone, I never went out with my school friends, I never went outside.

I'm sure a lot of people go without these oppurtunities. Most of my friends didn't smoke weed or drink simply because they never got the chance. I'm not salty that I never got to try substances or mess around with a stranger at a party. That's not what I'm saying. I did get the chance to try those things. I got invited to parties and I got asked to come sesh with people and I got asked to go to town and window-shop with my buddies. I declined everything I got asked to. I declined because when I told Enigma about my weekend plans, they would freak out.

Freak out at me and at themself. The idea of me going outside, to this person, was like a threat. I would say "[name] and I are going skating tomorrow!" and Engima would have the panic attack of their LIFE. That, or they would ignore me for multiple hours. Enigma didn't like the idea of me going outside. It got to the point that I cancelled plans out of fear that they would off themself if I stepped outside. The fear came from the idea that if I was busy, I wouldn't answer. If I didn't answer, they would panic. If they panicked, they would hurt themself.

And it was like this until my last year of high school. I live in Australia, we don't have middle school. We got straight from primary school to high school, and then we head to college when we hit seventeen. There were five months of my four years of high school where I didn't have this person on my back, telling me I couldn't do this or that because they NEEDED me.

Enigma and I's last messages to each other were late last year after my leaver's dinner. I sent them photos of my dress and new hair and all that, and said I was living my life now. They sent me a message back and we exchanged words about how these days, it was so much easier to go outside and do things because we weren't nervous that we were gonna miss a message about something bad.

I know that throughout my relationship with Enigma, I was very panicky and very dependent. In their last message, they made it sound like I had done the exact same thing to them? I argue that they were eighteen-twenty-one and I was thirteen-sixteen. Fuck that. You were an adult and I was a child. You claimed to be so much more mature than me and claimed to know what was best for us, so I raise you the fact that you were an adult. A UNIVERSITY STUDENT. And though you broke up with me, you stayed in contact, even though I was FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU AND TO THIS DAY STILL AM A MINOR and made me think that if I left you, an adult, alone for more than an hour, YOU WERE GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF.

FUCK YOU HORRIFIC SENSE OF MORALS AND YOUR FUCKING "oh but we were so close and I was so attached and-" FUCK THAT. You were an ADULT. You should have blocked me BACK IN 2019. I DIDN'T NEED CLOSURE. I NEEDED TO BE TALKING TO ANYONE, ANYONE MY AGE. You shouldn't have needed me. I was not capable of fixing you.

You don't realise it, but the effects you had on me were insane. I take melatonin now because YOU used to get mad at me for falling asleep. I hallucinate your voice when I have panic attacks, I dream of you and I sitting alone in a void when it's been a long day. I panic when I don't have my phone on me. Recently I lost it, left it with a friend who then got on a bus with it, and the panic attack I had was HORRENDOUS. I thought I was going to get a message from you, August this year, and miss it and completely fuck everything up.

I have cried over you tirelessly, I have written stories upon notes upon letters to and about you. You have thoroughly ingrained yourself into my head and you just. won't. get. out.

I am working towards getting over it. Leaving my phone at home while going on walks, not bringing chargers to school, putting my phone on do not disturb, completely deleting discord and skype from my computer AND phone. But I don't think I'll ever really escape it. Not before I get out of school anyway.

I will not speak on my relationships with the others, as I respect them far too much for taking action when realizing that what was happening was unhealthy. There is one other alter, however, that I am willing to talk about. Not because of anything bad. Simply because I need to come clean.

K. You know who you are. I don't care if you read this or not, it feels wrong to say it all, but I can't keep myself from saying it. You'll probably never see this, but I think telling you will help in some way toward my healing. Here goes.

So far as I know, I'm aromantic. Romance repulsed. But occasionally, you cross my mind, and I remember how desperately in love with you I was when we knew one another. Enigma always said, "you fixed him!" I think that was very poor wording. I didn't fix you, K. You fixed yourself. All it took was some form of kindness, and you learned to open up. Slowly. I'm so proud of you for that. I don't think I'll ever love anyone as much as I love(d?) you, K.

I sound ridiculous at this point, but you'll never read this, so fuck it. Talking with a very nerdy friend of mine recently, I realised why you got so odd when I promised to braid your hair one day. I don't take it back. If it weren't for how things went, if it were a different time, different circumstance, I would marry you. In a heartbeat, I would let you braid my hair and I would braid yours. I hate to admit it, because I hold so so much resentment in my hands and jaw, but I absolutely would. You were so so special to me and I don't think I could ever be mad at you for what happened. You are the brightest bit of the spots of light in the darkness of my teen years.

I send my respect to JF, who always made me laugh. To PB who always held wonderful conversation. To B, TMM, and THM who made me feel powerful and respected.

Thank you to those in the system who provided me comfort during a very scary time. We should not have known each other in the first place and, to be honest, I don't remember most of you. But you were there and you were not my abuser and I recall snippets of joy from some of you. Thank you. I'm sorry it turned out like this.

K.