#no but this is genius because when the monster was talking to Sean I was like:

[thequeenofmyownscreen]

Spenser, directly to Brennan : "We're going to step behind this thing [the astrolabe in the décor]. And we're going to talk. You have the option of saying "yes" to his demands here, or of saying "no". If you say "no", you could fight your way out of this. It will be a dice roll. On a 1, 2, or 3, he will kill you and will replace you. On a 4, 5, or 6, you survive and he dies."

THE SHRIEK I LET OUT

[kim-ruzek]

CONGRATULATIONS ON HITTING 100K WORDS PUBLISHED!!!!!

I am so stinking proud of you, because you’re amazing and you’ve written almost 100k burzek words?? That’s an extra 100k that wasn’t in this fandom before. That nobody had read. Of scenarios and storylines and beautiful prose that you did.

I was going to try do a “rank your fics” thing, but then I realised like…I have a top three and then everything else moves around depending on my mood. So I’m telling you my top three.

Number one is, as always, Contentedness. I love this fic so so much. I believe it was the first appearance of Ally (whose now my favourite ever original character and sorry not sorry I’ve stolen her multiple times but HOW COULD I NOT???). This fic just…its the epitome of soft burzek for me. Of burzek loving each other and working through their issues and deciding that their love is worth continuing on with. Is worth going through the hardships. It’s worth it all. Plus the teasing Antonio and him not realising Ally is Adam’s daughter! And that beautiful moment of Kim remembering that she had to tell Voight she and Adam were sleeping together (I can never forget it that line is EMBOSSED INTO MY SOUL). And “I’m talking about my granddaughter, not her father.” From Trudy. This was the moment honorary Grandmother!Trudy was born and she will never leave my soul. Ever.

Two and three I keep tossing up which goes first, and honestly if I wrote this tomorrow I’d probably have a different two and three. But number two right now is family we chose. I just…it’s everything. The nails. The love confession. MAKAYLA AND THE BADGE AROUND HER NECK. All of it. The gentle way they talk to her and explain about Kim. Not glossing over that everything is Not Ok between Kevin and Adam (not that you ever would), and the moment Kim just holds onto her family because she’s survived and they’re there and she loves them so damn much and they love her. It’s…I cry every time. Every. Single. Time.

Three is something’s gone terribly wrong. I remember the day you came up with it, and I just went back through our messages and found the one where I worked out (from no clues) what the twist would be and why Adam was missing. We knew the braincell was a thing anyway, but I think that just cemented our knowledge of its genius. But this fic…this stupid, amazing, awe inspiring fic. I love it so much. Like so incredibly much. (AND HOW IS IT TWO MONTHS OLD ALREADY????) It’s just…it has everything. Suspense, Al’s POV (that you write so well), that moment where Kim has to tell Al that they had sex that morning and oh god I could feel the cringe and embarrassment through the page. Bob being an ass. Voight being protective, AL being protective. Antonio listening to Kim and realising she’s right and getting the information out of Bob. Roman bashing. Kim standing up for herself and telling Trudy she can’t work with him anymore. AND THEN SHE GETS OFFERED INTELLIGENCE AND SHE DESERVES IT. That moment is so gorgeous. And Al turning up at the end and telling Adam he’d have kept the secret? Inviting them for dinner? Ugh it’s EVERYTHING. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

Like…this was so hard and I was going through your fic list and every single one I was like “I LOVE IT” and I could have written lines about every single one. But I think you’d have killed me. But, y’know, duty. Love you, and I can’t wait for the next hundred thousand published words. Folks, you have no idea what Ree’s gonna hit us with.

Not me SOBBING MY HEART OUT AT THIS AGAIN 😭😭😭 I'm questioning if I'll be able to answer this, with how much it reduces me to (happy, ofc) tears each and every time I read over it.

Your pride in me over hitting 100k posted means so so much to me. You're literally my number one cheerleader and as I've said to you so many times, I never would've even gotten close to this amount if it wasn't for you!!! I love you so much and thank you for supporting and encouraging all my most ridiculous ideas.

Now for y'all-- I could've guessed what Cíara's top three of my fics are bc they never hesitate to rave about them and just...so many days they'll be like "oh I reread [this] again and I love it" and I'll cry bc that's the best thing you can tell me.

To respond to your lovely, lovely words now: Cíara, I will be forever overjoyed and amazed how much you love contentedness. You know how I feel about it, that there's that disconnect to it, even though it has some of my favourite lines in it. And my fics are my children, and I feel bad that I can't love that fic as much as I'd like, but I don't feel as bad knowing it gets so much love from you.

And yes!!!! That is the first appearance of Ally!! And I'm going to take this time to express just how much I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE ALLY!! Like the fact that she's your favourite oc and the fact that you've literally stolen her so many times,,,,, it makes me so happy. Like so overwhelmingly happy bc I love her and ugh. Just-- all the feels. Thank you for loving what my brain comes up with and making me not feel so weird for making who Burzek's baby would be.

And I just love love love that you love Kim remembering telling Voight and all that awkwardness. It's one of my first and favourite thoughts I ever made for Burzek and I can't wait until I finally write the scene, not only because that'll mean I'm writing my s7 fix it but so you can have another scene of that to love like you love that line.

I love honorary grandmother!Trudy (or, how she says it in second chances, just grandmother Trudy, their her grandkids blood or not) and I'm so happy you do too.

Family we chose is, I think, one of my favourite fics I've ever wrote. I love all my fics but this one... I love it so much. It was born out of just one (1) photo of Paddy with painted nails and us two screaming about it together and I just... I love it. And I love LOVE that you do too, and all the moments you love about it-- like the badge scene. It's just,,,, it's overwhelming to think about how much I love this fic and that you love it just as much bc that's just incredible and I never thought anyone could love my writing as much as you do.

HOW IS SOMETHING'S GONE TERRIBLY WRONG ALREADY TWO MONTHS OLD????? It feels like only like,,, two weeks ago I was writing it. It never fails to make me laugh and be so in awe that this came out of me being tipsy and then telling you my stupid tipsy ideas. It is my longest, most cohesive fic with some of my all-time favourite scenes and it was made just because I drunkenly laughed at the thought of Kim having to tell Al that she was dating Adam-- and, ofc, the sex moment.

And all the scenes you mentioned... I love it so much and I'm so happy and will never stop being so happy that you love it too. And I'll forever associate it with the moment that we got confirmation, beyond reasonable doubt, that we share a Braincell. The way you just guessed the Bob bits... It's so incredible and I'm so happy we share a braincell.

This ask made me so emotional and teary and I just-- I love you so so much. You are such an incredible person and I'm so happy that I know you. And look-- you made me talk about loving my writing, you made me celebrate!!!! I love that you always, so fiercely and caringly, encourage me to love what I've created, to never be ashamed and put down the ridiculous ideas I come up with, that you tell me that my ideas are self indulgent but that's exactly why I should write them.

And finally, I love how excited you are for all the ideas to come. FILB and FSK and undercover Adam and the Angst monster fic, and Sean Roman is abusive, and Bloodtypes and skater!au and after highschool!au and my many WS!As and all the others that doesn't yet have names.

I love how I come to you with silly ideas, sometimes just so vague-- like with co parents Burzek-- and you just help me grow and nurture them. Without judgement, and with such enthusiasm, even when it comes from my ridiculous tipsy mind.

I never could've gotten here without you, and I won't get to 200k without you, and I'm so happy that you're cheerleading me and just being my friend. I love you so, so much and thank you so much for this and being in my corner, for being the other half of my brain, my writing buddy.

[reidology]

WIP tag: tagged by @thefandomlesbian thank you ily!!!!

this was so funny to me bc i haven’t touched these in... over a month. don’t expect anything soon lol

Runway AU - Penelope get’s the whole team to join an FBI charity event - a fashion competition show! Lot’s of sexy outfits, sexy people, and sexy times. Here’s a preview. Yes I’ve been working on this for months, no it won’t be done soon.

Hamilton AU - They meet at the Winter’s Ball, Aaron saddles up to Spencer standing in the corner reading. They hit it off but Spencer panics and introduces Aaron to Haley, his sister and best friend. Aaron and Spencer’s fondness for each other grows exponentially; if Aaron marries Haley he could keep Spencer in his life. As Aaron climbs the ranks of the government his marriage begins to crumble, and he recognizes his feelings for Spencer. Unfortunately, during this time Spencer had moved to London to pursue an academic career, their longing for each other grows and the letters they exchange get more desperate. Spencer comes back home to visit Aaron, he doesn’t tell Haley. Aaron goes on a ‘business trip’. They stay at the Inn. Mood-board

Dying in a bathtub - Aaron get’s horrible nightmares. It’s nothing new, but now he’s waking up in the bathtub each night. There’s a reason why but Aaron isn’t ready to admit it to himself, much less Spencer. So instead of pressuring him, Spencer begins to put pillows and blankets in the tub before they go to bed, so that Aaron doesn’t get hurt. They end up cuddling in the bathtub fort <3 Preview  Mood-board

God I wish that was me -  After a long case, the team is living it up at a bar. Hotch and Spencer, exhausted and not ones for dirty dancing and alcohol poisoning, stay at the booth and ogle a gay couple being cutesy in a bar. After sighing wistfully they both go ‘God I wish that was me’ and have a whole ‘what did you just say?’ intense eye contact moment. Needless to say they do not go home alone that night :)

Did you hang up? - Just smut. Hotch and Spencer are getting it on in bed, full on rough moaning scratching ‘daddy’ fucking when Spencer’s phone rings super loudly! It’s really annoying and ruining the mood so Spencer reaches to hang up but unbeknownst to him... he accidentally answers it. 

“Did you hang up?”

“Yeah”, Reid's voice hitched on a moan. 

“God I wish you could see yourself like this, you look so pretty with my hand around your throat.”

He nips at his jaw, eliciting a broken moan from the man below him, “you’re so good for me baby boy.”

Basically Hotch says and does anything that could scar Derek for life. Derek can’t look Reid in the eye for weeks. 

Hotch... left? - Spencer is in prison, high out of his mind. He keeps hallucinating Hotch because he needs him to be here right now. He needs Hotch. Even after he comes down, he keeps begging for Hotch to come back, he just wants to see him one more time, just to say goodbye. Luke is there for him, helps him through everything from getting him back to the States to protecting him in prison. Ends in Ralvez.

Sean/Spencer/Aaron - Hotch and Haley separate and he has nowhere to go but his brother’s place. He’s shocked to find out that Spencer and Sean were practically living together. He had known about a hookup and an awkward coffee date, but Spencer and his little brother in a relationship? Doesn’t feel right. Hotch is at his wit’s end, having to endure hearing them fuck almost every night. Loudly. Maybe this is all part of Reid’s cunning plan to make Hotch jealous. Lot’s of credit goes to @xogublerxo for this one

Shipwreck - After Hankel, Spencer is agoraphobic. It affects every moment of his life. Aaron helps him get back on his feet. 

Spencer has always been somewhat of an anxious guy. Overthinking ‘simple’ interactions, having to know each step and each possible outcome of a situation before it happens, fearing meeting new people, fearing being seen. Growing up, he was no stranger to panic attacks, but he learned to manage it in his own way. He didn’t get help, he didn’t really think he needed it anyway, afterall, he takes care of his schizophrenic mother day in and day out, he can take care of himself. Others just see him as odd, standoffish maybe, but that’s just a part of who he is. So, Spencer adapted, learned to navigate a stranger’s ship with his own, homemade sails. They’d been ripped apart and stitched back together more times than he cares to count, but regardless, Spencer managed.

He managed and he improvised his way to the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI, where he quickly learned that he could have a purpose. But most importantly, this is where he found what he’d always been looking for, a support system. A team he didn’t feel judged by, who valued his contributions and never put him down for his quirks or his unique mannerisms. The BAU lifted a dark cloud from his head and opened up new horizons, Spencer could finally breathe. Plank by plank, Spencer began to build his own ship. Walking into a police station, surrounded by new people, competitive authority, monsters, and more had never felt so natural. Yes, Spencer still had days where he needed to psych himself up to deliver a profile, to ask a detective about the crime scene, to interrogate a witness, or even just to get up in the morning. But overall, life was looking up. Friends, job, purpose; he was starting to have it all. 

Then Tobias Hankel happened. And Spencer’s ship crashed. 

Therapy - Reid and Hotch meet at a formal FBI function. When Gideon introduces them, their reactions were practically instantaneous, Hotch thought Reid was too young and pretentious, using his genius as his only personality. He wasn’t impressed, so the kid has a good memory? That doesn’t equal skill or intelligence. Spencer’s first thought was alpha male. Also known as competitive and arrogant. Hotchner did not smile once during their conversation and sneered when he turned down a handshake. The way he spoke was curt and dry, he was a hardass. One month later Spencer found himself standing in a bullpen, surrounded by his new coworkers. Looking through the slats of his office window was Aaron Hotchner, livid that Gideon had let this kid join the team. Their interactions are strained, both emanating hatred for the other. Then, they meet each other all over again at group therapy, where they’re forced to learn each other’s darkest secrets. Hate-fucking ensues.

Secret Admirer - Hotch starts getting anonymous letters on his desk. Some are mundane, talking about their day, telling Hotch to drink more water. Some are more desperate ‘you could never see me the way I see you’. Hotch has a pretty good idea of who it is, but he’s scared shitless of what it would mean in he reciprocated.

Secret Admirer 2.0 - Inspired by a Peterick fic I read once. Spencer is broken. He searches for purpose at a bdsm club where he gets blindfolded and displayed for everyone to see. Hotch finds him kneeling in a showroom and can’t resist... He masks his voice and makes Reid keep the blindfold on. It was only meant to be one time, but Spencer needs more and Hotch is weak. Spencer never knows that it’s Hotch and Hotch hopes he never finds out.

I kind of want to see this with roles reversed, but I’ll never write this bc it’s too advanced for me lol.

Quiet Cuddles part ?? - It’s a relaxed rainy evening, Hotch’s head is in Spencer’s lap, arms wrapped around the younger’s midsection, knees bent up and nose pressed to Spencer’s tummy. Lots of head kissing and gently fingers running through unkempt hair.

Night at JJ’s - Spencer spends the night at JJ’s with a huge tub of ice cream and 5 blankets. He confesses about who Ethan really was to him, from high school to college to New Orleans. He cries about Hotch leaving him because of Foyet. Sad and feelings. 

What the BAU does in the shadows - What we do in the shadows but BAU edition. Self-explanatory. Vampires. Haven’t really started it yet. Think about it all the time. 

The one where Spencer fakes his death instead of Emily - Every one thinks Spencer is dead, including Hotch and JJ. The only one who knows the truth is Strauss, and she’ll take that secret to her grave, no matter how hard Spencer tries to come back.

i tag: @xogublerxo (plsssss talk about it 🥺) @hotchreidd @garcias-bitch @goobzoop @tobias-hankel and anyone else who wants to do it, no pressure at all guys! (except mia, lots of pressure) 

[therainroguefanfiction]

🎃 Frightful October Act I, #3 ~ Movie Marathon (Nathan Prescott)

📑 Table of Contents

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friendship, Halloween

Word Count: 2,876

Pairing: Reader x Nathan

World: Life is Strange

───── ⋆⋅🎃⋅⋆ ─────

The bell rang, signaling the end of class. You stretched your arms above your head, your back cracking. For some reason, the day felt like it had passed by agonizingly slow, and you still had another class before you could go home. Unlike most of the students that attended Blackwell Academy, you didn’t live in the dorms on campus – your apartment was a five-minute walk away. The main reason you chose not to live in the dorms is that you didn’t much care to be brought into all the drama that the students thrived off of.

You gathered your things before stepping out of the classroom. Your best friend was waiting near the door, his fingers flying across the keyboard on his phone. Sean Jamison stood at five-foot-five, his thin frame covered by a pair of jeans and a chocolate brown sweater. His blonde hair looked like it had been cut using a bowl, and his brown eyes shined with mischief. He was a technology geek that planned to major in computer science and game design when he graduated.

He glanced over at you, pushing his square glasses up with his middle finger. “Last period is math, your favorite.”

You scowled at him as you passed. “Don’t remind me. We can’t all be number genius’ like you.”

Sean chuckled, throwing his arm over your shoulder. “Don’t worry, the number genius won’t let you fail!”

“You better not. I can’t afford to flunk because of one subject.” You entered the classroom, making a beeline for the table at the back but Sean tightened his grip, pulling you back.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, Y/N.” he wagged his finger in your face. “How can you learn properly sitting in the back of the class?”

“I am not sitting in the front,” you deadpanned.

Sean frowned, pushing up his glasses. The fluorescent lights reflected off of the lenses, hiding his eyes. “Then we can compromise by sitting in the middle.”

You didn’t care for that, either, but it was better than sitting up front. There were four rows of three desks, allowing two people per desk. You scanned the room before choosing the third row from the front, sitting under one of the large windows. Sean sat beside you, focusing on his mobile game.

There were still a few minutes before class began, so you turned your attention to the window. It was the beginning of October, the sky overcast as a chilly breeze knocked leaves from the trees, colored in various shades of brown and orange. The school grounds had been covered in leaves. If you didn’t watch your step, it was easy to slide and lose your footing, hitting the ground. Just ask Miss Grant, the science teacher. She had been peddling another petition to passing students and wasn’t paying attention to the ground. Too bad she was wearing a skirt that day – her underwear choice had been the talk of the school for a week.

You felt eyes watching you and you glanced at Sean, but he was still buried in his game, hiding the phone between the desk and his lap so the teacher wouldn’t see it when she entered. You scanned the room, eyes locking with those belonging to the one and only Nathan Prescott. He was sat at the opposite end of the class in the back row. When he realized you caught him staring, he snapped his head in the opposite direction.

You frowned, turning to the teacher as she entered the room.

As expected, class was long and boring, and you found yourself zoning in and out more than a couple of times. Sean was going back and forth between taking notes and elbowing you in the side whenever the teacher sent you a pointed look. By the time class ended, your side was sore – you were sure it would bruise by tomorrow.

“What are your plans for the weekend?” he questioned as he shoved his books into his bag.

You hummed, thoughtfully, doing the same. “I’ll probably just watch a few horror movies and sleep.”

He tsked. “So much youth, wasted.”

“And what are your brilliant plans?” you scoffed, but immediately regretted it as his eyes lit up.

“Isn’t it obvious? Dino Murder Force 2 is finally being released tomorrow and I’m going to camp out in front of the store tonight so I can get my copy, then I’m going to spend the entire weekend beating the game I’m going to be the first to write an in-depth review!”

You stared at him, blankly.

He had said all of that without pausing for air, so he huffed when he finished the run-on sentence. Saying nothing, you slung your bag over your shoulder and left the room, ignoring Sean as he called after you, “You don’t understand the brilliance that is Dino Murder Force, Y/N!”

“Stop yelling, Mr. Jamison!” The teacher scolded him.

You chuckled. He was such a weirdo, but he was your weirdo.

You stepped outside, a blast of cold air stinging your skin. Autumn, in your opinion, was the calmest, most peaceful time of year. There seemed to be less drama around this time, and that was something you appreciated. Halloween was pretty cool, too.

“Hey, Y/N, wait up!”

You paused near the gate, looking over your shoulder.

Nathan was jogging toward you, his usual cocky expression switched out for a nervous one.

“What’s up?” you asked, softly.

“Can I… walk you home?” he asked, shifting from foot to foot. He stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets.

‘It’s only a five-minute walk, it can’t hurt…’ you contemplated it for a moment before nodding. “Sure,” You walked side by side, his hand occasionally bumping against your own. It brought back a flood of memories.

The first time you had met Nathan, you were in kindergarten. Back then, he was a pretty shy kid, but he was so cute that the girls in class naturally migrated towards him. He had this polarizing aura that pulled people in. You appreciated how he tried to help others the best that he could. Deep down, though, he was already beginning to harbor feelings of self-doubt and loathing.

One day during recess, you chased a rubber ball that had been kicked to the back of the building. That’s where you found him, curled up against the building as his small body shook with silent sobs. Instinctively, you rushed over to him and brought him into your arms, running your hand through his hair as you told him it would be okay. That was the first time you had spoken to him and, from that day onward, Nathan stuck to you like glue. You were his best friend, the rock that kept him grounded.

Having him depend on you so strongly made you feel needed and happy, and you oftentimes dropped whatever you were doing to accommodate him and provide comfort when he was upset, which was slowly becoming more common as you both grew.

As your relationship deepened, his parents started to take notice of you. They didn’t think that you were good enough to be friends with Nathan, and they were sure you were just trying to get to his money. Your family had no social standing, and your single mom worked three jobs just to make ends meet. In their eyes, you were trash, but they always acted pleasant on the rare occasions you met them. You had no idea how they truly viewed you.

Nathan never told you how his parents put you down and insulted your mother, or how they pressured him to stop spending time with you, but you knew him like the back of your hand and you knew he was beginning to change. The shy, kind little boy that you had become so close to was starting to morph before your eyes, but Nathan Prescott did not morph into a beautiful butterfly, he morphed into a monster – arrogant, entitled, and full of hatred.

The time you spent together became less and less frequent until, in the second year of middle school, he completely cut you out of his life. You tried talking to him, to demand an answer, but he was always surrounded by his new friends. Every time you got close, they would make fun of you and Nathan would just stand there, acting like you didn’t exist.

You became invisible to him.

While you were friendly with the other kids in your class, Nathan had been your only friend. Now you were left alone.

Shortly after, your mom began quite ill after pushing herself to keep working. She ended up being hospitalized. It was at this time that you met Sean, who found you in a similar way that you had first met Nathan.

Sean was a loner, preferring to tinker with his games and gadgets over talking to his peers, but he knew that you didn’t have any friends and he recognized that you were very distressed. Rather than bring you into his arms like you had to Nathan all those years ago, his way of comforting you consisted of forcing a handheld game into your lap and making you play with him. It wasn’t conventional, but it helped.

Your mom passed away a month after you started at Blackwell.

Nathan came to the funeral, returning to the empty apartment with you. He held you, allowing you to cry your heart out until you finally fell asleep, clutching his shirt in your fist. When you woke up the next morning, he was gone. There was a thick envelope left on the table – ‘sorry’ was the only thing written on it. Inside was a key to an apartment on the other side of town and fifteen grand in cash.

You remember thinking how typical it was that he thought cash could solve everything.

You didn’t want to accept the money, but he gave you no chance to return it. The apartment had been paid for in advance for the next four years, but you still had bills to pay and needed to buy food, not to mention the tuition for Blackwell. No job given to a high school student would be enough to pay for everything, so you did end up using some of the money, but you used it sparingly, only taking out enough for the bare necessities. In the meantime, you had gotten a part-time job at Two Whales diner.

A couple weeks later and you found another envelope in your mail. It read: ‘Quit your job. I’ll send you a monthly payment – N.’ Enclosed was fifteen hundred dollars.

You didn’t like this at all, but Nathan did what he wanted, and what he wanted he got. He had you fired from your job, knowing you wouldn’t quit on your own. You considered confronting him about everything, but that would require stepping out into the spotlight and you didn’t need that kind of drama in your life.

Even after all that, he still treated you like you didn’t exist, despite the monthly payment that was put in your mailbox every month.

So why the sudden change? Why was he suddenly approaching you after all this time?

Nathan frowned at your thoughtful expression. He knew he had royally screwed up the best thing he ever had but was it too late for him to fix things? “Hey, we’re here.”

You snapped out of your thoughts, smiling sheepishly. “Oh, right. Thanks…” you paused at the gate, hesitating. “Do you… want to come in?”

He nodded, not wanting to leave you just yet. Nathan followed you to the third floor, his mind running wild – he couldn’t remember a time that he felt so nervous.

You unlocked the door and stepped aside to let him enter. “Want something to drink?”

“Water,” he added as an afterthought. “Please.”

You stepped into the small kitchen attached to the living area, pouring out a glass of ice water for him and ice tea for yourself. He sat on the couch as you set the drinks on the coffee table, absentmindedly playing with the black rope around his right wrist.

Your eyes widened when you saw it and you reached out, holding his wrist so you could see it better. “You kept this?” It was a simple piece of rope with a yin-yang symbol tied through the front of it. You made it for him in fifth grade as a birthday present.

He quickly pulled his wrist away, his cheeks tinting as he tugged the sleeve of his jacket down. “It was a gift from you, of course I kept it.”

Those words went straight to your heart, making it increase in speed as it grew warm. You looked up at his face, taking in his appearance for the first time in a long time. His brown hair was slicked back but messy, as if he had run his hands through it nervously. His blue eyes, once bright and full of life, were dull and he had deep bags under them from a mixture of stress and lack of sleep. Overall, he looked exhausted and aged.

Seeing him in such a state made you frown.

“Stop staring at me,” he muttered, starting to feel self-conscious. People around him were constantly complimenting him, saying how gorgeous he is and how handsome, but he wasn’t very good at reading people, so he couldn’t tell if they were being genuine. Whenever you used to compliment him, it always felt genuine and made him feel happy, but when everyone else did it, it felt empty.

“Have you been sleeping, Nathan?” It was the first time you had said his name in so long, it made his breath catch in his throat. His body started to shake despite himself. “Nathan, what’s wro – ” you squeaked in surprise when he threw himself at you, sending you both to the ground. His arms were tight around your body as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. You gently rubbed his back, free hand running through his soft hair. It had been so long since you last held him, but your body remembered the position perfectly.

“I’ve missed you… so goddamn much…” he sobbed, clutching you tighter. “I didn’t want to, to push you away… I had to do it! I couldn’t… I couldn’t let you sink with me…”

“Oh, Nathan,” you chided, softly. “You’ve always been such an idiot. You’re my best friend, I would have happily sank with you. And you know what? I would have dragged you back to the surface.”

“You’re too good… for me…” he cried.

You hummed, thoughtfully. “I don’t think so.”

It took a while for him to calm down and stop shaking, but you didn’t mind. Even after everything that had happened, he was still the most important person in your life. You would always be there to catch him when he fell.

“Can I… spend the night with you?” he asked, softly. He sounded like a child, lost and scared. The shy boy flashed in your mind.

“Of course you can,” you smiled, gently pushing him back. He pulled away from you, sliding back until he was leaning against the couch. His eyes were red and swollen, but they held more life than they had earlier. You pulled yourself to your feet, feeling pinpricks in your back and butt, unhappy about being squished against the wooden floor for so long. You glanced at the clock – it was eleven-ten. “Hey, Nathan?”

He glanced up at you.

“There’s a Halloween marathon starting in twenty minutes. Wanna watch it with me?”

Nathan smiled, remembering all the times you had binge-watched movies as kids. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

You returned the smile before heading into the kitchen to make some popcorn. When you returned, Nathan had curled up on the couch with a blanket he had taken from your bedroom. He held one side of the blanket up and you squeezed in beside him, holding the bowl up as he flung it over your body. You turned the TV on and he moved closer, finding comfort in your warmth.

The first movie began, a cheap knock off of A Nightmare on Elm Street. He reached for your hand but hesitated. You smiled, slipping your hand into his and interlocking your fingers with his.

After two movies, Nathan’s eyes started to droop. He fought against the sleep invading his mind, not wanting this moment to end, but his body and mind were exhausted. His head fell onto your shoulder, breath evening out. You smiled, turning down the TV so the screams wouldn’t disturb his rest.

You didn’t know what tomorrow would bring – if he would go back to ignoring you or if you could be friends again, but that didn’t matter to you at the moment. You had your best friend at your side and that’s all that mattered to you.

You brought his hand to your chest, holding it with both hands. ‘No matter what happens, I will always be here for you, Nathan Prescott,’ You pressed a kiss to his palm and he smiled in his sleep. For the first time since he was a child, he slept peacefully through the night.

───── ⋆⋅🎃⋅⋆ ─────

[earnestly-endlessly]

Do you mind doing a list of your favourite modern AUs? A mix is powered and non-powered fics is okay :) TY!

I'm so sorry how late I am with this, but here’s my looooong list of my favourite modern AUs. I hope that you like this list and can find some fics in there that you haven’t read before. Enjoy!

*******

Cherik Modern AU Fic Recs 

Sprich Mit Mir | Talk To Me – dreamweavers

Summary: When Charles meets Erik on a midnight train to London, it’s like all of his Christmases and birthdays have come at once – until Erik opens his mouth, and reveals he cannot speak a word of English.

It isn’t easy to pursue a relationship with someone you need to play Pictionary with just to chat to, but with a little help from Charles’ telepathy, the two language-barrier lovers are determined to make it work.

Come as you are – scarlettblush

Summary: Hospital AU. The one where Charles unknowingly woos a coma patient with Pride and Prejudice. Years later, they meet again.

The Man on the Train – Sophia_Bee

Summary: Charles is heading home from a shift at the busy emergency department of the urban hospital where he works as a nurse. He meets Dr. Erik Lehnsherr on the train, who is clearly interested in Charles, but Charles has a rule. He does not date doctors. Not at all. Never, ever ever. But he does shake his ass at Erik, which might be his downfall.

Eyes on Fire – Black_Betty

Summary: Every once in a while, fashion tycoon Emma Frost invites her favourite male models over to entertain her. And by "entertain", I mean she makes them have kinky consensual sex in front of her....Emma never touches herself when she watches, but she always has a glass of wine with her. Emma likes it best when they eventually forget that she's watching.

Charles and Erik meet each other through Emma...

(I've taken some liberties with the prompt, but all the sex is still there, and it's wholly consensual...and gradually, becomes more than just sex...)

Paper Monsters – Clocks

Summary: Fill for this prompt: Charles meets Erik Lehnsherr, his favorite novelist of all time at a coffee shop, but doesn't know it's him, and Erik just criticizes his own writing in front of his biggest fan.

Order Up - ikeracity

Summary: Charles has a terrible habit of multitasking, and that is probably why he absentmindedly tells the pizza man that he loves him when hanging up. Then the pizza man says it back. And Charles is pretty much smitten from there.

Some Things Are Meant To Be – Ikeracity

Summary: Erik is a famous singer. Charles is a closeted fan. When Raven drags him to Erik's concert, the last thing Charles expects is for Erik to single him out of the crowd, for Erik to look right at him as he sings. And the last, last thing he expects is for Erik to personally serenade him and pull him on stage and kiss him senseless, because some things are meant to be and Erik knows it.

Rumor Mill – Ikeracity

Summary: Erik is the grumpiest, most foul tempered worker at Stark industries. His grumpiness is the stuff of legends. So it's obviously the talk of the office when Erik is being made to go to the company party and he's bringing his husband. There's rumors flying round about how much of a masochist or equally antisocial bastard Erik's husband must be to put up with him. Others think he must be a meek mouse perhaps bullied by Erik.

What they weren't expecting was the confident, charming, adorable and unbelievably nice Charles that turns up on Erik's arm. What they certainly weren't expecting was how much Erik obviously adores his husband and how happy he is to let others see this.

Serendipity – humanveil

Summary: Charles sends a text to the wrong number.

[10:22 AM]

Can we meet for coffee? I just got dumped.

[10:30 AM]

I think you've got the wrong number.

[10:31 AM]

Unless you make a habit of texting people you don't know about this sort of thing?

A Nice Boy (The Family Matters Edition) – pocky_slash

Summary: Erik's not sure whether the problem is that he doesn't want his parents to meet Charles or that he doesn't want Charles to meet his parents. Either way, he never invites Charles to brunch. Why should he? It's not like they're dating.

Frosted Hearts – aesc, palalife

Summary: Emma Frost has 99 problems, but a date ain't one. Specifically, she has no time to play the dating game--which is fine with her, because she'd much rather run it instead. From a set of sleek, silver and white offices on Fifth Avenue and with her trusty, stylish, and silent partner Janos Quested, Emma has built Frosted Hearts into New York City's premiere dating service, built on the principle that money, and a sufficiently rigorous psionic scan, can, in fact, buy you love.

Somewhere in Frosted Hearts's server is one Charles Xavier, genius and geneticist, with the kind of nicely-starched good looks that sell well on brochures for New England prep schools. He's also a telepath who's decided to give up pursuing serious relationships and instead spend his thirties doing what he should have done as a teenager: have a lot of sex with random people. Fortunately for him, Erik Lehnsherr, metallokinetic and engineering executive, has absolutely no time in his heart or his schedule for anything more serious than... well, absolutely nothing romantic at all.

Work/Life Balance – pocky_slash

Summary: As teens, Charles was the star of a super popular tween/teen television show and Erik was his best friend. As adults, they're a frighteningly domestic married couple and Alex, Darwin, and Sean are Erik's nosy co-workers.

Impulse Decisions – listerinezero

Summary: Erik wakes up in Las Vegas with a hell of a hangover, a telepath in his bed, and a ring on his finger. Now what?

Fools Rush In – LoveSupreme

Summary: Erik owns a cafe on the edge of campus and accidentally starts maybe-stalking a Biology Professor there.

The Proper Care of Actors – afrocurl, Clear_Liqueur, Clocks, Etherei

Summary: Erik is an A-list action star who is notoriously difficult to work with, until the day he gets cast alongside Charles Xavier, rom-com darling who can charm the pants off movie audiences the world over and apparently even one Erik Lehnsherr. The paparazzi catch them out and about soon enough, and their real-life Hollywood movie romance becomes instant tabloid fodder.

In the Bleak Midwinter – keire_ke

Summary: It is not easy to find out, well into the second decade of the twenty-first century, that your mother arranged a marriage for you. It is even less easy to convince her that you have no interest in the very fertile Magda, she of the wide hips and lustrous auburn hair. Fortunately, with a good friend at his side over the holiday weekend, Erik is sure he will prevail.

Curve Fitting – kianspo

Summary: The weird thing is, Charles always introduces Raven as his sister, but he never calls Erik his brother. Erik would be bothered, except he prefers not to think of Charles as his brother, either. He can’t figure it out for four years, and then suddenly he can.

Or. A non-powered AU in which Sharon Xavier never remarries, and Charles 'adopts' not only Raven, but Erik too.

Right Person, Wrong Time – PoppyX

Summary: "TL;DR Charles is an insecure high school student who loses his virginity to the right person at the wrong time, and Erik makes it up to him in a romantic manner."

Favorite Mistake by endingthemes

Summary: Charles Xavier doesn’t think anything of it when he sneaks out without even saying goodbye to his latest one-night stand. What he doesn’t expect is to walk into his new position in the Xavier Industries marketing department and find that his latest hook-up is now his new boss.

I ♥ NY (It’s My Friends I’m Not Sure Of) by oddegg

Summary: For a 1stclass-kink meme promp: Erik is a single, successful man who likes quick sex with no strings attached. Then, he meets college professor Charles and it's love at first sight, at least for him. Charles, who heard of Erik's notorious ways, wants nothing to do with him besides being friends. Cue Erik bending over backwards to steal Charles' heart.

From Westminster With Love - thehoyden

Summary: NATO intelligence says there’s an omega-class telepath who sleeps under Westminster. Major Erik Lehnsherr is about to find out the truth for himself.

Accidentally Welcome to the Rest of Your Lives by kianspo

Summary: Non-powered college AU. Erik and Charles have nothing in common until they end up having sex at someone's party. They don't have much in common after that, either, but find each other a hard habit to quit.

irreconcilable differences (make for surprisingly good bedfellows) – pocky_slash

Summary: Tonight on The Evening Report with Malcolm Stevens, noted geneticist and mutant equality proponent Dr. Charles Xavier faces off with the infamous mutant rights activist Magneto in a live televised debate over the Genetic Nondiscrimination Act.

(At least, if they can stop flirting long enough to stay on topic.)

Mutually Beneficial Transaction – Pookaseraph

Summary: In his sophomore year at Columbia University, Erik, feeling slowly strangled by his mounting college debt, places an add on a sugar daddies website. He doesn't know exactly what to expect from it, but when he's contacted by a man named Charles who seems less creepy than the other people who have responded to his profile, he decides to give it a shot. Charles is nothing like what he expected, and Erik finds himself slowly falling in love with his sugar daddy while trying to find out exactly what caused this amazing guy to buy his emotional and sexual intimacy when he clearly deserves so much more than that.

Made To Be Broken - Yahtzee

Summary: Charles makes a New Year's Resolution: “No more straight men,” Charles repeated as he began scrolling through the apartment directory for Emma’s name. “No more futility. No more pointless hoping and heartbreak. In 2013, I never want to hear the words ‘exception,’ ‘experimenting’ or ‘phase.’ If, God forbid, I hear ‘bicurious’ even once, I may take a hostage.”

Then he goes into the party, and Erik is there.

Anarchy In The U.K. – Yahtzee

Summary: "Good God, Erik thought. The Prince of Wales is gay."

Charles lives in the unceasing glare of the public spotlight, yet keeps his sexual orientation a closely held secret, afraid he could lose his throne and force his deeply troubled younger sister into a role that would crush her. Erik, journalist and world traveler, has been a loner most of his life; he has little patience for closet cases. But a chance meeting in Kenya brings these two opposites together and sets in motion a love affair that will challenge the British monarchy -- and their most deeply held beliefs about who they are, and who they should be.

An Ideal Grace – afrocurl

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr is a visiting professor at Columbia University, as well as an acclaimed and award winning poet. Charles Xavier is a lead researcher with the Genetics Department who is well on his way to tenure. But what happens when Charles has to cancel a class because half his students abandon him in favour of a mysterious new English Lit professor? Naturally he ends up sitting in in the class, where Professor Lehnsherr mistakes him for a student. It's really too bad Erik has such a strict policy against dating students. It's also too bad Erik doesn't seem to know how to use Google.

An absence which could not be more there – aesc

Summary: He prepared to shift another half-step over to the Current Events section (which would, of course, enrage him) when the teaser positioned by the model's left elbow caught his eye: DATING WHILE TELEPATHIC: WHY I DON'T DO IT.

rooms/shares – pocky_slash

Summary: Erik is single, working a cube job he hates, letting his master's degree in mutant studies collect dust, and living on his best friend's couch. When she kicks him out, he's forced to trawl Craigslist for the least-offensive rooming option within his meagre budget. He never expects a response from the persnickety, high maintenance ad he replies to as a joke, but it's possible this too-nice apartment and mysteriously absent roommate might be the answer to all four of his problems.

Heli Cases –Black_Betty

Summary: "Heli Cases" is a program on PBS whose aim is to educate on the rapidly increasing occurrence of genetic mutation in the general populous by breaking the complex science down into palatable, easy to digest pieces.

It is also the only thing that helps Erik get his fussy daughter to fall asleep.

(Featuring Dadneto, baby Lorna and the struggles of single fatherhood, and Charles as the host of a late night show about genetics.)

Simple and Uncomplicated – Pookaseraph

Summary: Erik and Charles had been fuck buddies for some, but when Charles is in an accident he figured their relationship would be over. Erik's visit to his bedside in the hospital changes his assumptions even as he has trouble believing Erik is sincere.

Guilty by Association – Regann

Summary: While investigating the homicide of a John Doe who he suspects might've been murdered while working the streets as a prostitute, Detective Erik Lehnsherr finds an unexpected ally in a hooker named Charles who seems as determined as he to solve the case. As they become more deeply involved both with the case and each other, there's just one thing that Charles neglects to mention -- that he's really an investigative journalist, one quickly convinced that what they're dealing with is more than simple murder. cop!Erik, fake-hooker-slash-reporter!Charles, Modern AU.

This Is Not Comedy – baehj2915

Summary: Written for amarriageoftrueminds' prompt for a Cherik version of Louis CK's tangent about the fuckability of Ewan McGregor.

Naturally the similarities end there. I made this about Erik's full on public lust-filled gay revelation, and the chaos that spirals from there.

Politico – cygnaut

Summary: Modern Genosha Politics AU. In which Erik is l'enfant terrible of the mutant National Assembly, and his staff just wants to get him laid.

Conspiracy of Kisses –  Alaceron

Summary: Seven-year-old Erik needs to keep his telepathic best friend Charles from finding out that he wants to kiss him. But that's okay, because he has a plan - he'll put on a tinfoil hat.

The Pretender – Clocks

Summary: Charles is sick of having his best friend Erik drop to one knee and fake-propose to him in restaurants, just to score a free dessert. He doesn’t know which is worse: the complete embarrassment, or the likelihood that Erik doesn’t mean a word of it.

Bound – FuryRed

Summary: Is there anything worse than someone else’s wedding? Well, perhaps your sister’s wedding- where the groom just has to invite his boss and that man just happens to be your ex-boyfriend; a person you had an extremely passionate and tumultuous relationship with that ended badly.

Charles hadn’t seen Erik for a year by the time Raven had told him about the wedding. He wasn’t looking forward to the occasion, particularly when Raven explained that they would be celebrating the event with a two-week extravaganza at a luxury hotel, meaning that Charles would be forced to spend a whole fortnight with the man who he’d given everything to; the man who had ultimately broken his heart…

Lonesome On the Shelf – ikeracity

Summary: After three years of marriage, Charles has to admit that his relationship with Erik has significantly cooled off. These days, they're barely ever home at the same time and it seems like every conversation they have turns into an argument. Charles misses the way they used to be, misses the spontaneous dinner parties and the surprise morning sex and the wake up calls in the early mornings to catch the sunrise. But it's going to take two of them to fix this marriage, and some days, it seems as if all Erik wants is to be rid of him.

A fic about rekindling marriage.

Math Reasons – pearl_o, pocky_slash

Summary: "Mom says Erik always knows what he wants, it just sometimes takes him a little while to actually realize it," Ruth said.

Charles fell in love with Erik the first night they met, the first week of freshman year. Two years of friendship, adventures, arguments, hijinks, secrets, and summer visits later, Erik is starting to catch up.

Melted Ice Cream and Macaroni Art – pocky_slash

Summary: Everybody likes Charles. Nobody likes Erik. And that's really the source of Erik's doubts. Also, there's ice cream and a baby.

Watch Your Back – swoopswoop

Summary: Bodyguard AU where Erik is overly protective and things aren't as simple as they seem.

Dress Your Family in Plaid and Skinny Jeans – cygnaut

Summary: Erik and Charles meet at the mutant playgroup/parenting support circle and they instantly hit it off. And so do their kids, Lorna and David.

Continue firm and constant – aesc

Summary: Moira hasn't seen her old partner in saving the world from threats human and intergalactic, Erik Lehnsherr, for a few years. When she finally does see him again, she finds a man different from the one who's been with her down in the dark and the dirt and the blood... or maybe he isn't so different after all.

cradles you and connects you to everything – pocky_slash

Summary: Charles and Erik spend a chilly November afternoon in Manhattan doing not much at all. Also, there are cupcakes, chess, and Feelings.

[aka-indulgence]

Who Ever Said Mafia Life is Easy?

Commission for @werelywrites!

Thank you for commissioning me! ^^

Click here for the Ao3 link!

(Mafiafell Sans/Reader)

You just found out what kind of "job" the man you love had. You ran away as soon as you found out, and you've been stalling to confront him about it.

... You don't know how to feel about him anymore.

You’re a chambermaid, working in Clarkson Hotel, a 5-star hotel in your city, and you clean up the topmost rooms- the fanciest rooms in the fanciest hotel around.

You were cleaning up your last room of the day when your phone buzzed from the pocket of your apron, spreading fresh bedsheets over the bed.

You took it out (no one needed to know you were looking through your phone inside these rooms), checking what message had come in… And you quickly put it right back into your pocket, deciding you could deal with it later.

On the screen of your phone was a name of a man that’s had your head spinning lately.

Sans.

Sans Gaster.

A handsome, dapper skeleton monster. With his expensive suits and his sharp look, always looking ready to head into an important business meeting. He is a gentleman that seemed interested in you, and one who always reminded you that he was. With just a few words, he could make your knees go on the verge of buckling, and was always so… Magnetizing.

It was a long time ago when you first met him… Simpler times. You met him in a café while you were waiting for a cup of coffee. He practically took over the room with his presence alone, sauntering in with an air of power around him. Wearing an expensive three-piece suite, all black except for the red vest he was wearing. Red lights made up his eyes, eyes that pierced wherever he looked. A killer smile with rows of sharp teeth, with one of them a shimmering gold. He was a daunting monster, and you started to sweat when you saw he was the one next in line after you, stepping beside you, waiting for his espresso shot.

It’s when he greeted you that you started to feel at ease with him. Despite his intimidating features and that deep, rich voice he had that seemed to rumble in your chest when he spoke close to you, he had a way of making you comfortable. He’d invited you over to the tables to chat that day. You did, and you found yourself quickly charmed by the large, handsome skeleton, and you were glad that wasn’t the last time you saw him.

You hadn’t even planned on meeting him when you saw him again- having crossed paths. Sometimes, he’d just be… There, near you at the perfect time. He’d tell you that he’s just gotten off work or taking a break, and say he wanted to spend time with you. Because apparently… he liked you. He’s never gone as far as asking you to be his significant other or anything, but he always made his attraction to you clear. And boy did he know how to make you feel like a special little lady when you went out with him.

You had always taken him as a rich, powerful kind of man, but you never really realized to what extent until he took you on your first restaurant date. Already he was wearing a suit that looked like expensive enough that you were afraid to touch it… But when you saw the kinds of meals that were on the menu the first time he brought you to a restaurant, you knew Sans had bank. Then… He’d always tell you how pretty you looked, or how soft your skin was when he held it in his, his one hand almost engulfing yours when he gripped it. His voice alone made you shiver, and even worse, he’d notice, and use it to its full potential. By the end of dinner, you’d completely forgotten how much everything cost when the bill arrives and Sans puts a fat stack of money on the table, your cheeks a steaming red.

… You’ve kissed him before, on the lips. Everything he says… The way he’d hold you when you were with him… It felt like your heart was tugging in his direction.

But then… Things changed when you visited him in his office one day.

You never really knew what his work was.

You had gone on a toilet break, and when you came back, you heard him in a phone call. Your steps came to a halt in front of the ajar door, Sans’ voice low and grim. Nothing like the voice that complimented you and soothed you.

“sean might be able t’ help ya with that… it ain’t hard, ben. jus’ put a gun to his face and he’ll give ya what he owes us. i know that bastard’s got it… i saw him throwin’ money around city square just two days ago. now get it done before i go there and do it myself, you useless sack a’ shit.”

You were frozen. It didn’t take a genius to know what Sans was after hearing that particular phone call. And after you heard “Ben” reply to him in a terrified, squeaky “Yes boss,”, your heart sank to the ground.

Sans wasn’t just part of the mafia… He was the boss of one of the most notorious mafia groups in your city.

The realization that you had been so close to a boss for so long hit you like a train.

It made sense why the staff of the restaurants you went to always remembered you and seemed almost… Afraid of you whenever you passed by, with or without Sans.

Sans saw you from the room that day, eyes meeting from that crack in the door frame. The skeleton that always made you smile and blush… Now made your blood drain from your face. You didn’t know what to do. He’s been hiding the fact that he’s a boss, and realizing what he could do, you did the first think you could think of.

You ran away from him, not turning back when Sans had ran after you, shouting a pleading “wait!”

He hadn’t said a word to you since.

… Until today.

You bit your lip when you take out your phone to look at the message again. Your stomach turned like it always did when you thought of Sans since that day. You wanted it so desperately to go back like how it used to be when you were with him… When you could be near him and rest your head on his chest as he stroked your hair, your heart beating wildly in your chest. Hoping he’d ask you to be something more with him.

Now… Thinking of him just gave you a headache.

sans: sweetheart

sans: (y/n).

sans: i’m sorry about last week.

sans: i didn’t mean to scare you.

sans: can we talk?

It was like your heart clenched on itself. You didn’t know what to answer him… Didn’t want to answer him.

You shove your phone back into your pocket. You could deal with it later. Right now, you’re just glad Sans hadn’t put a hit on you or something. You didn’t know exactly how the mafia works, but you’re pretty sure anyone related to the mafia has a substantially higher chance of getting in danger.

As you walk down the hallway, you hear footsteps in the staff room. As you enter, greeting you is a slim, tall man with blond hair and smart eyes, smiling when he sees you.

Dan Clarkson, owner of the hotel with his family name on it.

“Hey, how’s my favorite worker doing?” He greets you, and you roll your eyes at him.

“Hey, Dan.”

Despite being the owner of the hotel you worked at, Dan was always humble around you- brushing off the fact that he owns the place. He visits you at work, invites you over for lunch, and just generally… Being a nice guy to you. You don’t know what a chambermaid’s got him interested in, but he’s always nice company to have around.

“What are you doing here?” You ask him while you put your supplies away, closing the staff door. “Aren’t you supposed to do your owner-stuff done or something?”

“Hahah, real funny. I have a real job, (Y/n). And what, it’s not like I don’t visit you often.” Dan answers, putting a firm hand on your shoulder and playfully shaking you. “No… it’s just… You know about the anniversary coming up this weekend?”

You nod. The… something-something-years anniversary of the hotel. It was going to be grand and extravagant as the hotel itself.

“Yeah, so… How about I ask you to come?”

“… Wait what?” The question completely catches you off guard, and Dan laughs. “But why?”

“I just wanted you to come! Just take it as a treat from me. You’ll get to see the hotel ballroom in all its splendor, and I promise, you won’t have to really talk to anyone there. “

You make a mock thinking face, and Dan adds in a sing-song voice, “There’ll be lots of free food there…”

… Alright. That’s a solid argument of why you should definitely go.

You click your tongue in defeat. “You just had to mention that, huh?” You shove Dan aside playfully to get to the elevator. “I’ve seen the restaurant advertised in that elevator Dan, I’ve been wishing to try it sometimes.”

“Exactly! So you better come.” Dan pushes the button for you, smiling at you… Then frowning. You turn your head to Dan, confused, and he just looks concerned.

“… (Y/n).” He leans a bit closer to you. “… You seem kinda tense. You alright? Was the room that bad?”

“Oh, nothing like that.” You assure him, but your face sours as you remember the real cause to your stress. “There’s… This man. I’ve got… Complicated feelings about him lately, and he wants to talk. I just… I don’t know what to say to him.”

Dan’s brows furrow, and it looks like he wants to press for more, but you quickly brush him off. “It’s fine, Dan. It’s nothing for you to worry about, I’ll just… think about it when I get home.”

He accompanies you until the first floor and you wave him goodbye as you head for the lockers and he returns to his office. As you leave however, you miss the look he gives you, as his eyes trail from your head down to your… Lower cheeks.

He’s wanted you for awhile now… Practically ever since he first met you.

He knew who you were talking about, though you were obviously trying to be vague.

… Sans Gaster. A man after your heart like Dan himself. But unlike Dan, Sans was in the center of crime and violence.

Dan wanted to take you away from that… From someone like him.

If you were with him, he could keep you away from someone as dangerous as Sans.

———————————————————————————————————

You stand there, stalling your time as you watch guests with their long sparkly dresses and tuxedos enter the ballroom, walking from their expensive cars past the garden to the entrance.

… It was an intimidating sight, to say the least.

What you’ve got on you is the only nice dress you could find in your closet, one that…

… Sans gave to you.

You had fought with yourself deciding whether or not to wear the dress gifted to you during one of your dates with him.

Sitting in the park one night. He had an arm around your waist, and when you almost fell asleep looking up at the sky, Sans had silently placed the box on your lap.

You opened it at home to reveal a stunning golden dress that felt silky to the touch with various ribbons and a touch of lace here and there, no sleeves, running from your shoulders to your ankles.

At the end you decided to wear it anyways, since it was the best dress you had. You knew how up-scale the anniversary party was going to be, and while you didn’t want to think about Sans for awhile, you’re glad you wore this dress. Any other and you’re sure you’d feel under-dressed, looking at all the guests there.

You finally enter the room after enough dawdling, and after a short speech from Dan himself, the party officially began. You greeted him, the room starting to get filled with music and chattering. Dan was just happy he got to see you that night, telling you  how “I got really worried that you wouldn’t come.”

You’d thought the same too, but… you had invitation, and again, free fancy food was hard to pass up on. Dan already told you you didn’t need to talk to all of these people anyways. So you just tell him “I smell some mashed potatoes and salmon over there. I think I have very good reason to come here, Dan.”

He laughs, and you finally let yourself try the things they’ve got in their buffet, and… Oh yeah. It’s amazing.

You’re glad you didn’t decide to snub the man currently busying himself with greeting and chatting with the ‘important’ people of the night. You were someone he could take a breather with, and seeing him go around from guest to guest and seeing the tired look in his eyes, you’re pretty sure he’ll need all the rest he can.

You had to fight your way to get somewhere to sit. When you finally finish up trying every main course they had (from lamb chops to truffle carbonara fettuccine), you finally get to the desert and drinks section, grabbing yourself a glass of punch, avoiding the alcoholic drinks.

You take the punch in your hands, stepping backwards and watching the water so it wouldn’t spill- you bump into someone (noticeably much bigger than you are) on the way.

You turn around, an apology already on your tongue… Then you see his eyelights.

Red like blood, staring into your eyes.

… Sans.

He’s wearing a pressed black shirt with a red vest coat, black tie, black trousers and polished dress shoes. Golden rings on his phalanges glimmering into your face. No hat this time.

Time stopped. The music faded into white noise. Everyone else in the room disappeared. You could only keep your eyes on Sans Gaster. You didn’t even notice you’ve spilled some of your punch.

A similar look was on Sans’ face- his trademark grin had turned into a frown, and you see how his eyelights shrunk until his sockets were nothing but black voids. Apparently he was talking to someone, but Sans didn’t turn back to them after your eyes met his.

…

Of course he’d be invited. He’s a mob boss.

Why didn’t you think of that? The thought of Sans appearing in the party had completely eluded you.

In your panic, you turned, planning to just get away from him now- you weren’t ready to confront him yet, it’s too soon!- but already a strong, bony hand had caught your relatively thin arm, and your heart leapt into your throat.

“w-wait, sweetheart.” Sans stuttered, his grip firm yet gentle. “jus’… jus’ hear me out.”

———————————————————————————————————

You didn’t realize it in your own state of panic, but Sans was panting, silently. Breathing heavily as he felt your delicate, tiny arm in his hand.

He was careful not to break it.

Sans didn’t answer his “business partner” when they tapped Sans on the shoulder. He couldn’t stop staring at you, in that golden dress he gave you all that time ago. You were stunning in it, and Sans’ soul couldn’t help but leap when he saw you were wearing something he gave you. But then… He saw the look in your eyes, wide with fear, and his soul broke.

He never wanted you to look at him like that.

A fire started sparking in your eyes all of a sudden, your fearful face changing that to indignation. “Let go of my hand, Sans.” Before he could even plead to you again, you added, “Talk to me, Sans. I’m waiting.”

You fully turned your body to him, tugging your arm in his hand to make your point. He nods, and slowly, he lets go of your arm, suddenly afraid that that was going to scare you away too.

Sans gulped when he looked at your face, waiting for him to speak.

fuck… He practiced what he was going to say to you since the moment he lost you, chasing you out the building before you disappeared from his sight. He knew where you lived… He knew everything in this city. He could’ve just teleported there, waited for you to come and talk to you then. But no. You know what he is now, and he didn’t know what he could do to convince you that you’d never be in harms way, that he’d never hurt you. That the fact doesn’t change how he feels about you, or that he’s any different. He’s rehearsed in his mind over and over, talking to you. Maybe he could say hello to you after you’ve finished work, maybe invite you to go to a café (you always seemed at ease in cafés) and try to explain himself.

But now that you’re in front of him… His mind went blank, his skull empty.

He brought you a bit further from the drink section, avoiding eyes and ears. Thankfully you obliged, and you went to a corner in the ballroom.

Sans took a breath, then he spoke. “look darlin’, i jus’ wanna tell you…”

“Tell me what, Sans?” You snapped, surprising him. You’d never snapped at him before. You always used a soft voice when you spoke to him, sweet and mallow. A pleasant sound to listen to, a break from the yelling and angry voices in his line of work. The look in your eyes when he complimented you, when he held your hand while you walked with him. Smiling, those red cheeks always tempting him to kiss or bite you.

Seeing this… hostility from you was really getting to him, more than any gunshot or slice of the knife could do to him.

“That you’re a criminal? That you threaten people for their money?” You ask, gritting your teeth. Sans doesn’t realize he’s got his hands up almost in a surrender pose, like your words could physically hurt him. “You know I heard your phone call, Sans, I know what you are now. I don’t know what else you want to talk about.”

“n-no, please, sweetheart, i just-“ He holds his hand out, not even sure what he wanted to do… Until he sees the tears pooling in your eyes even in your angry face, your cheeks starting to steam in a different way than he’s used to. Your scowl quivered, and your eyes were starting to get glossy. Apparently he stared at you for too long, because you made a small start, embarrassed. You blinked and turned away from him, trying your best to erase your tears before they even fell.

“… darlin’… are you ok?” He asks, his floating hand close to turning you around, but you make a small hiccuping noise, keeping his hand away.

“No no- just keep talking.” You say, turning back to him

Sans sighs, feeling a mix of emotions in him that amounted to nothing but hurt.

“i’m… i’m sorry.” Was what fell out of his mouth. Obviously this wasn’t what you were expecting, because you uncrossed your arms in front of your chest, your furrowed brows easing up. “i… i am all of those things you said. i ain’t gonna deny it. i’m definitely working on the other side of the law.” He says, for once feeling shame in his ribcage as he said so. “i do ask people fer their money. and i ain’t afraid to use a bit of violence when it comes down to it.” He admits, fisting one of his hands. But he quickly looks to you, his eyelights dilating.

“but… i didn’t mean t’ hide it from ya because i wanted t’ trick ya, sweetheart.” He took your hand, and he doesn’t notice it- but he was shaking. He was so scared. “i didn’t mean t’ trick ya. i just…. i was afraid of… this.” Sans gestures to the air around him. “i didn’t want ya to know because… i was afraid ya’d turn away from me. i know yer a gentle, sweet thing, (y/n)… i know this isn’t something you’d want.” His thumb rubs the back of your hand, steadying his breath. “i jus’… i couldn’t bear the thought of ya leaving me, (y/n), because… i love you.”

It was something he wanted to tell you for the longest time now. He just… Hadn’t been sure of his feelings, didn’t want to rush it. He was looking for the right time.

But as soon as he was reminded of the fact that he could lose you… The realization hit him like a truck. You were something he wanted in his life- needed in his life. He loves you.

He meant it all. You were the most beautiful, sweetest person he’s ever met… He wanted to cherish and love you like you deserve.

“… i didn’t mean to hurt you. i never wanted to hurt ya, (y/n). i’m sorry.” His head hung, looking to the floor. He couldn’t look at those sad eyes anymore.

You look at him, eyes wide, your breath stuck in your throat as you look up at him.

god… yer so small…

Slightly, he feels your hand start to curl up in his, and you open your mouth to speak.

“… I-“

“Oh, (Y/n)!” A different voice suddenly cuts you off, interrupting the moment. Sans felt a snarl building up in his chest. The only thing saving the guy from Sans’ temper was your fearful face when you saw the lightning-fast change in his expression from pleading and adoring to anger and irritation. Sans turned to the guy- Blond hair, brown eyes. His slim stature making him look taller than he really is.

“D-Dan.” You stuttered the prick’s name. Sans knows what he thinks of you, and his presence definitely didn’t help the fragile moment.

“I see you’ve met my friend Sans!” Sans grimaced internally at the utterly fake expression the hotel owner was wearing as he greeted the both of you. “I’m glad to see you two getting along pretty well.”

You looked bothered by him as well (though for a different reason than Sans’), cringing, holding onto Sans’ hand subconsciously. While Sans did enjoy the feeling, Sans felt like punting Dan in the sack and pushing him away- Sans was having a moment with you.

“Sorry about this, (Y/n), but I’ve got to talk a bit with Sans for a moment, uh- why don’t you go and get some more punch? You spilled a bit on yourself there.” Dan pulls out a handkerchief, and you pull your hand away from Sans’ to let him wipe it for you. The gesture made Sans’ chest burn like no other, and after thanking him silently, you move away from the two men.

… Sans turns to Dan as he does the same. Sans knows what he’s here for.

“clarkie.” Dan winces when he hears Sans’ little nickname for him while Sans puts hands out for the man in question, eyelights dimming considerably.

This bastard… He’s been eyeing you ever since you’ve started working at the hotel with his name on it. Sans knows he’s into you… But he’s never really done anything to ‘pull you in’ so to speak, so he never really paid him much attention…Though his possessiveness did threaten to cut ties with one of his richest “clients”. Sans didn’t know you were coming to this party, didn’t expect Clarkie there to invite you.

“what an honor it is t’ have the host himself come to greet me.” Sans spits, his grin becoming tighter by the second. His hand automatically searches his pockets for a cig to smoke, but as he grabs a stick, he remembers that he couldn’t do that indoors. Not here, anyways. Sans’ grin turns into a scowl for a second, realizing he’ll have to talk to this asshole without a cig to ease his nerves.

He takes his hand out of the pocket and smiles to Dan. “why don’t we… go somewhere else, shall we? somewhere… quieter.”

The men move from the corner into an empty hallway that lead to the bathrooms, its lights off.

Sans leans on the wall, with his hands having nothing to do, he crosses them, staring Dan down.

“… Why are you after her?” Dan asks, a hard look on his face telling Sans that he wasn’t expecting an answer. Sans didn’t grace him with one- it was a stupid question. “You stay away from her Gaster. She’s not for the mob life and you know it.”

“please.” Sans replies condescendingly. What kind of idiot does this human take he is? “i ain’t tryin’ to pull her into the mob life, danny. unlike you, i love her because she deserves to be loved because she’s just…” Sans’ expression turns soft as he looks back to the ballroom, eyelights instinctively searching for you. “she’s jus’ perfect.”

When Sans’ eyelights dart back to Dan, all traces of that soft look disappeared. “not like you, jus’ looking fer someone to fuck.”

Dan hisses, his hands fisting. Sans knows they’re not going to fight… Dan’s got a useful deal going on with Sans, and Dan knows that he’s definitely not going to win any fights with him.

Though Sans does smile a little thinking of snapping this guy’s neck for even thinking of having you.

“I’m not out here just to fuck her.” Dan scowls, stripped of all his fake politeness. “Even if I was, I know you want her in bed just as bad.”

Sans just smirks, chuckling a bit as his grin turns predatory. “oh, she knows.” He says, remembering the times when he’d tease you about it, and the most adorable shade of red that’d come across your face. He always had the urge to bite your cheek when it happened.

“but, heh… ya speak fer yerself, clarkie.” Sans looked Dan up and down, his voice filled with fake innocence. “ya tell me i’m in the mafia but yer the one who asked t’ kill that one guy from-“

A hand goes onto Sans’ suit, and Sans’ fake pleasantries drop completely as his mouth turns into a snarl at the stuck-up human.

“I paid you not to mention anything like that, Sans Gaster.” Dan growls out. Sans thought his attempt at being intimidating was laughable, but he held it in nonetheless.

“what? afraid someone’s listenin’? it’s just you and me, buddy.” Sans smiles at him, but nothing about it tells Dan that Sans is enjoying their conversation as he grips Dan’s wrist hard enough that he winces in pain, taking it off his expensive suit.

“just you and me.”

Dan rips his hand out of Sans’ when he didn’t let go.

wasn’t even tryin’ to do anythin’.

Dan rubs his wrist, and when he looks at Sans, a condescending look fell on his face. “Yeah, well… It’s funny you think you still have a chance with her.” Dan steps back from Sans, “Because judging from what I saw earlier, she knows what you are, and she’s not into that. You can’t force someone to love you, Sans. and you shouldn’t keep her from anyone else just because you can’t get to her.”

Dan’s words struck Sans right in his soul, “hitting a nerve”. Sans feels his sockets empty, his magic already starting to form a bone in his hand as his teeth part, a growl in his chest-

“Mr. Dan Clarkson? Would Mr. Dan Clarkson please come onto the stage for the evening toast.”

Both mob boss and hotel owner turned their heads to the stage, all the way on the other side of the ballroom.

“I’d love to stay and chat some more, Mr. Gaster, but unfortunately I’ve got a job to do.” Dan says, brushing his hair a bit after it got messy in his frustration. “See you later.”

Sans watches Dan’s back leaving him, and his anger starts to die out as he thinks of you again… Quickly replaced by panic.

Dan Clarkson. Handsome, rich, has a good relationship with you… And wasn’t a notorious mob boss known for his methods.

An image of Dan sweeping you off your feet when he tells you his feelings… You wouldn’t want to be with criminal Sans Gaster.

He scans the room for you, spotting you near the entrance on a bench, alone. He didn’t teleport- instead running across the room towards you.

i can’t lose you.

i can’t lose you to anyone else.

… please don’t leave me, (y/n).

———————————————————————————————————

You start when a large figure run towards you.

In front of you was Sans again, the man you’ve been thinking about…  ever since you met him, now that you think about it.

He looked like a mess, he was sweating and his vest, earlier pressed clean to his shirt was now slightly wrinkled, a button off.

He doesn’t say anything. His brows only slant, and he opens his mouth- but nothing came out of his mouth.

… You spoke first.

“… Sans.” you say gently. Your heart starts to beat remembering what he said to you, having thought it over and over sitting here. And even in this situation… You couldn’t help but blush. “I’m… I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier.”

Sans’ sockets widens in surprise at your apology.

“I-it’s just… I don’t like what you do, Sans. You press people for money and… hurt them.” God, you didn’t even want to think what he did to people who didn’t pay him.

“… but…”

You stood up, surprising him again when you took his hand. “… Hm.” you giggle a bit. “You… You really know how to make a girl feel special, Sans.” You say shyly, rubbing over his joints, your hand looking like a child’s compared to his. “You said you’d never hurt me, and that you love me, and I…”

You look away for awhile, biting your lip before you continue.

“… I’m in love with you too, Sans.” Your voice came out quietly, almost a whisper. “I can’t help it. You already took my heart, Sans… I can’t change that. I love you. You’re still the same loving, caring guy behind horniness and that smirk of yours.” You tilt your head up at him, grinning, mouth opening when you see him blush as red as his eyelights.

… It really helped you see past that mafia boss perception that had been dominating your mind lately, and reminded you the kind of guy Sans is. When he wasn’t busy trying to impress you with gifts and dates to up-scale places… He was genuine and always kind and gentle to you. He never hid his intentions- he wore it on his sleeve the fact that he wanted you. But he never told you he… Loved you. And now that he’s said it with that wrenched look in his sockets… You’re sure you could tell that he’s been genuine all this time.

“… so… yer not… mad at me anymore?”

He sounded like a child asking their parent, you couldn’t help but laugh at him. Here was a man that could kill you with the snap of his phalanges all decked out in his expensive clothes- and he seemed almost afraid of you.

This is definitely the man you love.

“Well, I wasn’t really mad at you, just…” You played with your foot a bit, stalling. “… I just want to go back to how we used to be. I… I missed you, Sans.” You look away, hiding your reddening face.

Finally with those words, Sans smiled again, and when he did, you silently note how he does look his best with a grin on his face. His sockets lid and he stands up straighter, his eyelights big and fuzzy as he looks down at you. You smile at him, and you don’t notice when Sans’ eyelights go over your head, looking at the man speaking up on stage right now…

Dan.

He tripped as he spoke, having caught you and Sans from the crowd, holding hands, with you looking at the skeleton with forgiving eyes. Dan starts to lose focus, repeating his sentences as he couldn’t stop looking at the human-skeleton pair near the entrance of the ballroom, unable to hide his shock.

… Sans smirks, nothing kind in his eyelights as he makes eye contact with him before he looked away and back to you- Someone that deserves his attention.

“i missed ya too, dollface.” He pulls you to his chest, your warmth an instant relief to him. “… more than you’d know.”

As he strokes your hair, his eyelights go to the garden outside, the one surrounding the ballroom. There were no windows in the ballroom apart from the ones on the doors.

perfect.

“hey, sweetheart… how’s about we go somewhere a bit quieter, hm? jus’ you an’ me.”

“… That sounds nice, Sans.” You smile up at him, enjoying the feeling of his sturdy arm around you as he walks you out, always the gentleman who always had that look in his eyelights that held so much adoration for you. As you walk into the crisp, cold air of the night, the door swinging closed behind you, Sans leans in to kiss you on your crown.

… You’re just so happy you get to be held by Sans like this again.

[sugarpun-fairy]

ONE CHANCE - HANK MCCOY X READER

Word count: 1388

warning: as always we might get sum angst and an attack at the end that is more of the reader’s power manifesting than anxiety this time

a/n: immahoe

-x-

The red-haired mutant's hands trailed your waist while his lips found place on your neck, making you forget for a couple seconds of the reason behind your stress.  

It was her. Kinda. You made yourself believe it was.

During your whole life you felt intimidated in almost every way. After you discovered your mutation it got worse and now, even thought, you were among people like you, it was like nothing had changed.  

Your mutation allowed you to transform in different animals. Hers allowed her to transform her into anyone, human or animal. She was prettier, a better fighter and besides that, had kissed your crush before you - so she was probably a better flirt and kisser than you too.

It just felt like high school again.  

Sean's insecurities almost matched yours. While you had Raven as "rival" he had his best friend in a whole other league. It was almost a perfect match between the two of you and that explained why his hands and lips where on your body while you had feelings for someone else. Someone else being also known as Hank McCoy.  

You always had a thing for guys like him. Smart, with beautiful eyes and a charming smile. He had the brains, the looks, and lastly, he had her.  

"You're overthinking again." Sean whispered against your ear.  

"I'm sorry."  

He stopped the kisses and touches and looked at you, sitting shirtless on his lap after a post-training hot shower.  

"You should talk to him. At least to know if they actually have anything." He advised putting a strand of your blue hair behind your ear.  

"I feel terrible for doing this to you." You whispered touching his face. He smiled and shrugged.  

"We only see each other as friends. We both know that, we never lied. You never lied." He assured you. "At least to me."  

"You're starting to make me believe you would help more with your mouth doing other things." You joked pulling his hair. He bit his lip instantly.  

"Do that again and I promise I'll make you forget about McCoy in less than five minutes." He teased. You laughed, grinding slowly against him. "Y/N."  

"Okay okay, sorry!" You got up and looked for your shirt around the room. From the reflection of your mirror you could see Sean trying to calm his nerves before doing the same.  

"You know, if I didn't have a thing for guys who wear glasses..."  

"You would fall for Alex." He mumbled.  

"Alex is hot as fuck, yes, but he never laughs at my terrible jokes or back me up when I suck at training or anything else." You said sitting on his lap again. "He's not my type anyway but he didn't have to. If I could choose or change things before they got like this, I would choose you." You whispered kissing him.  

"You almost makes me believe we could be more than friends with benefits." He joked tapping your hips lightly. "Go get your mutant in shining lab coat." He insisted one more time. "Or at least try. I'll be here to help you get over it if it doesn't work."  

"I wish hating you for being such a nice person made me a better person as well."  

He cocked an eyebrow before throwing back his head with a loud laugh.  

"And I wish you got up and went to the lab to talk to Hank before I change my mind and steal you for myself."  

This time you wasn't sure if he was joking or not but you did what he said. Giving him one last kiss, you made your way through the mansion to the laboratory, hoping you wouldn't be interrupting any important work.  

"Hank?" You called. He only nodded without taking his eyes off the notebook he was writing on. "Do you have a minute? I really wanna talk to you."  

He let down his pen and looked at you, waiting for you to speak.  

"Oh my God I can't believe I'm actually doing this." You mumbled to yourself. "Are you and Raven together or have anything?" You asked walking closer to him. His face turned deep red as he tried to form a sentence.  

"No, we... we kissed once but... why?" He shot back without looking directly at you. When you didn't answer at first, he gave up and looked up, analyzing your face in silence. The way your upper lip was twitching and how you were holding your fingers with such strength your knuckles were turning white.  

"Because I like you." You confessed. "And I wanted to know if there would be any chance of us having, or at least trying, something."  

It was uncommon to see Hank like that, the genius without an answer. It happened from time to time when it came to relationships. Hank could solve equations in seconds but he didn't know how to respond when a pretty woman confessed about her feelings for him.  

"I thought you were with Sean..."  

"We're friends with benefits. Or were, I don't know anymore. He was the one telling me to come talk to you. To at least clear things up."  

"Y/N I don't know how to respond to this..." He whispered taking off his glasses and cleaning the lens. "I mean... are you sure? Me? Out of anyone, everyone?"  

"Yes. You. Out of everyone. Is that so hard to believe?"

“You’re beautiful and I’m a monster. Your feelings for me are surprising, for sure.” He insisted. “You are in fact one of the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. In any and every aspect.”  

“If you turn your speech the other way around, you’ll see everything I think about you.” You pointed. “But I man as me talking the same exact thing, not...”

“I think I get it. Doesn’t mean I agree...”

You finally closed the distance between the two of you and cupped his face with both hands, standing on the tip of your toes due to the height difference. His eyes met yours and silence stepped in, neither of your aware of what to say.

“You are not a monster.” You whispered. “You’re one of the most brilliant men in the fucking world. You’re so sweet and strong and there’s not a single part of you that I don’t or wouldn’t love.”

“Are you sure?” He whispered, uncertain. You just nodded.  

“Just give me a chance to show you. Just one. I promise I won’t mess it up.”  

*

You and Hank walked in the room and suddenly all eyes were on you. His arm was placed around your waist with his hand holding yours. Raven, Erik and Charles smiled as sign of approval but nothing beat the shocked look in everyone’s faces when Sean walked in and gave you a light slap on your butt.  

“Oh, wait, fuck, do you guys are a couple now?” He asked finally seeing Hank by your side. “Sorry it was the habit. Won’t happen again I swear!” He promised stepping back. Hank pulled your closer and smiled.

You took a deep breath when you felt a shiver down your spine. A shiver that wasn’t caused by anyone’s touch.  

“The raven...” You whispered stepping back. Hank tried to hold you but you didn’t let him.  

“Me?” Raven asked starting to get up.

“Not you. My raven.” You explained hiding your face with both hands and then covering your ears when you hit the wall. “It can... it can see things... that haven’t happened yet...” You mumbled shaking your head. “I don’t wanna see this... I don’t wanna know this...” You cried. Hank and Sean tried to reach your but you pushed them away. “It hurts... I know I won’t be able to do anything to stop it...”  

This time Charles was the one trying to reach you. Sliding into your mind to see what was causing such reaction, he took a deep breath before getting up and stretching his hand for you to hold.

“We’re gonna do everything to prevent this. I promise you.” He assured with a caring smiled.

“What did she saw?” Raven asked looking between you and the others. His eyes drifted around the room and everyone there for nothing more than seconds.  

“Nothing that will truly happen. Don’t worry about this.”  

-x-

taglist: @batboys-and-other-messes @southside-sweets @underoosstark @imaginesandideas @brattybombshell

[calliecat93]

Callie Reviews: TMNT 2012 Season One (Part Three)

(Part One) (Part Two)

Here is where we look at the season as a whole. For this, I will be looking at four things: Animation, Voice Acting, Characters (Heroes, Villains), and Story. I’ll be going more into depths about some stuff I skimmed over here as well. So lets dig in!

Animation

This is the Turtles first CGI show... okay yeah the 2007 movie was CGI, but that was a movie. When I first heard this, I was reluctant as I felt like 2D was becoming more and more of a lost out. But the CGI was really good! Mind you it looks a tad bit dated now as every season they pushed more and more to improve it. But still, it’s very well done. I can’t recall any point where I thought it looked bad or cringy...aside form when they wanted you to cringe anyways. What helps is that the show does add in some 2D elements, There’s the comic-style flashbacks of course, but even past that. They use these anime-like quirks like the sweatdrop, blushing, wide blank eyes when reacting in shock, vein burst when a character is angry, all these tiny little things that give it a more cartoony feel. I can’t recall any other Nickelodeon CGI shows that were doing this prior, so it helped it stand out among the other shows.

Another plus side? The character designs. Aside from a few background characters they re-colored, none of the important characters look the same. Like I know that some don’t like April’s design, but at least they gave her and Karai their own distinct character designs. Then there are the Turtles. Something I don’t like about the upcoming show is how much.. accessorizing they add in to make the Turtles look distinctive. 2k12 kept it very simple. Different heights, eye color, shade of green, and of course body build. For example Donnie, the genius who is mroe invested with machines than training, is both the tallest and most slender. Raph, the strongest, is the most buff and Mikey, the youngest, has larger eyes and freckles to show his child-like nature.And even with Raph,a ll four boys have kind of high school athlete-like builds. Nothing over the top like say... the Michael Bay films. Basically, I can believe that these guys can do the ninja-like agility more than I can with the overly buff, giant versions that have been used.

When ti comes to the mutants, the animators get creative. There are so many unique mutant sin the show. Snakeweed, Spyder Bytez, Dogpound, Fishface, Splinter, Leatherhead, all the mutants have their own unique design that work for them. They also know when to get creepy, like with the mish-mash... thing... from The Alien Agenda. That was disturbing as heck, and it’s not even the creepiest one they come up with! Oh just wait for next season, haha... but yeah, mutant designs are great!

Now the settings are kinda... meh. I mean The Lair is cool, but it’s mostly just either the the Lair, the New York landscape, Shredder’s lair, or an empty warehouse most of the time. It’s nothing really... creative I guess is the right word. We also don’t explore new York much, mainly settling on skyscrapers as the setting. It’s understandable why since New York is the setting, but still it juts gets kind of boring after awhile. But for what it’s worth, they do try to do creative stuff when they can like in Baxter’s Gambit with the black and white screens.

And of course, there is the fight choreography. As I said before, it’s fantastic. All the fights in the series are fluid, well-paced, and fun to watch. If I had to give some examples off the top of my head, there’s New Friend, Old Enemy when the Turtles rise form the water. The mix of black and red is absolutely perfect. There’s the first fight against Shredder in The Gauntlet which despite the boys getting constantly knocked down by Shredder, they give it everything they have. It looks freakin’ badass. Then there is any Splinter fight scene. There’s not many, only about three in this season (It Came From the Depths, I, Monster, The Showdown two-parter) but they are excellent. I said that the Splinter vs Shredder fight was the best and nothing after ever topped it, right?

So yeah, if I was going to rate the animation on a 1-5 scale...

Rating: 4.5

Voice Acting

The series was voice directed by veteran Andrea Romano, so you know that the performances are gonna be solid. As far as casting goes, they got in a LOT of big names both in the voice acting industry and out. There’s of course Greg Cipes (Mikey), Mae Whitman (April), Nolan North (The Kraang), Kevin Michael Richardson (Shredder), Phil Lamar (Stockman), Clancy Brown (Dogpound) and of course Rob Paulsen (Donnie). Rob’s casting was actually a pretty big deal as along with being a veteran with nearly 30 years of experience, he was also the voice of Raph in the original 80′s show. So getting him back even as a different Turtle? Yeah... that’s pretty big!

Then you have more well-known on-screen actors, like Sean Astin (Raph) and Kelly Hu (Karai). Now they both actually have very solid VA-ing careers and still do voice work to this day, but if you’re say... a Lord of the Rings fan and known Sean only for that, this may entice you. The newcomers to voice acting are Jason Biggs (Leo), Christian Lanz (Fishface) and Hoon Lee (Splinter). There’s also guest actors like Jeffrey Combs (The Rat King) and Roseanne Barr (Kraang Prime), so a solid mix of professional voice actors and a few newcomers. The result?

The voice acting is fantastic. Like even as the show goes on and you see more and more mixed reception, the acting is NEVER one of the things you see go down. If anything, it is one aspect that continues to improve episode by episode. All four Turtle actors do an amazing job conveying their characters, able to go from comedic to dramatic in a split second. I’d say that out of everyone, Hoon Lee impressed me the most since he’s the only one aside from Biggs (and... e’ll talk more about him next season) I hadn’t heard of. And he gave a very solid performance. Everyone did. Even for just minor characters like Pulverizer (Roger Craig Smith... yes Pulverizer is Sonic the Hedgehog) or some of the villains like Snake (Danny Jacob who voices King Julian outside the Madacgascar films) or Spyder Byte (Lewis Black), they convey their characters perfectly. Like Black’s character is a rude slob you want to punch, and he does such a great job in making you feel that way!

So yeah, you got a strong cast, a veteran voice director, and a crazy group of characters for them to voice. All of them nail it. And just wait, this is only the S1 cast. Wait until you see who they bring in for future seasons!

Rating: 5

Characters

As I said in Part One, this is the best part of the show. I know a lot of people who fell off TMNT as it went on, but still kept interest because of the characters. To me, this is always the most important part of storytelling. Yes having a good story itself is important, but a good story will be nothing without likeable characters to move it. A cliched story may be annoying, but if the characters are likeable and strongly written, people are usually more forgiving because they care about the cast. This show is no different. To this day, the thing that kept me attracted to the show was the Turtles, April, and Splinter and what they’d get into next. All of them have strong personalities that get you to care about them, or at least see where they’re coming from. I could gush about each of them one by one... so on we go!

Lets start with Mikey because he is the least developed this season... and most of the show sadly. I’d even say that his focus episodes dropped massively in quality after this season as he was forced mroe and mroe into the comedy relief/designated victim/little brother role. It’s a shame too because this season did an excellent job in balancing out both the comedy relief and the more innocent side of the character. Mikey is the most naive of the brothers and the least serious among them. It’s not to say that he can’t take situations seriously, it’s just that he’s more easy-going and fun-seeking than the other three. His biggest problem is his inability to focus and goof around, which has caused several instances of accidentally setting off alarms. 

While not the best of the four, Mikey is a talented ninja and the best at going off just raw talent. He doesn’t think through fighting moves, he can just go with the flow and be perfectly fine. His strongest skill hpwever is his empathy and desire to make friends. While this has backfired on him before, like in New Friend, Old Enemy, where Bradford used and then kidnapped him for a trap, Mikey is incredibly non-judgemental and open-minded. It’s why he could befriend Leatherhead so easily in It Came From the Depths. He saw that the Kraang were attacking him and decided to simply talk to him like he would anyone else, even pointing out that maybe LH only acts like a monster because that’s how he was treated for so long. Mikey may not be book smart, but he’s very emotionally smart. As I said, Mikey’s character sadly devolves into annoying comedy relief as it goes, but for this season he had a strong start. No meaningful development aside form slow progression on paying attention (Parasitica being the final payoff... also if you’re afraid of wasps then avoid that one), but his character is strong enough to carry him through.

Raph is the brawler of the group and the quickest to anger. Hie’s the strongest fighter and incredibly confident... unless he has to deal with bugs. His biggest flaws are his both his anger and his jealous towards Leo. The first half of the season has Raph frequently back-talks and argue with Leo all because he got made the leader over him. For example, in Never Say Xever he is unhappy with Leo using mercy because bad guys don’t deserve it. Leo does eventually use the more Raph-like approach when kidnapping Bradford... and it fails miserably. What saves them? Leo’s act of mercy causing the Purple Dragon to repay the favor sand saving their shells. While he does slowly get a better grip on his temper once Splinter tells him of how dangerous it can be (Turtle Temper), it takes until New Girl in Town for him to overcome his jealousy once and for all. It’s very well done too by having Leo finally get fed up and give Raph what he wanted. Ultimately Raph can’t handle the pressure once things get rough and comes to understand both what Leo deals with essentially every day and how his own actions made it worst.

After that, Raph becomes the perfect example of a follower. While he’s still question Leo, he has good reasons for it, like everything involving Karai for instance. But he actively looks out for him more and stops mocking him outside just brotherly messing around. And even during that point, while Raph could be an insensitive jerk, he does love his family and will make amends when he goes too far. When he mocked Mikey wanting friends in New Friend, Old Enemy, at the end he comforted him after the fallout with Bradford and assured him that he’s a good person. When he mocked Donnie’s crush in Operation: Break-Out and led to Donnie going on a mission solo, Raph was worried about him, realized that he way too harsh, and tried to make amends by giving Donnie all the credit once back home. While Raph doesn’t conquer his temper completely, over the season he does get a better grip on it, can admit when he goes to far, became overall nicer, and by the end is a much better person. It was good stuff!

Donnie is probably the most... divisive of the four. Not because he’s badly written per say. He’s intelligent, but also high-strung and prone to stress. He’s not a bad ninja, but because of his focus on machinery, he’s the least skilled. The two episodes that focus on this are Metalhead and Monkey Brains. Metalhead has an admittedly meh plot where he gets sick of his bo staff and therefore creates the robot Metalhead to act as his weapon. The ‘meh’ plot is IDT it addresses the message of ‘the weapon doesn't make you a good fighter, you do’ very well, ut still Monkey Brains does a much better job, demonstrating Donnie’s tendency to over-think everything and how that is detrimental in a fight. By the climax, he’s able to get himself to rely on his instincts against a mind-reading villain (we’ll get to him later) and kick his ass.

Then there’s The Pulverizer episodes, which are the most interesting but sadly don’t go anywhere after this season. It has Donnie accept Pulverizer as an apprentice of sort, mainly so the kid can have some form of self-defense if he’s going to put himself into danger. It’s ultimately ineffective, but mainly because of Pulverizer wanting to rush and not listening properly. The most important part though is Splinter telling Donnie that by doing this, anything that happens involving him after will be his responsibility. Which we see in The Pulverizer Returns where Pulverizer decides ot let the Foot mutate him to gain awesome mutant powers. Donnie tries to save him, but sadly he fails and Pulverier.. it’s not pretty. While Donnie does still save him after, he’s left with the guilt of ultimately failing his student. I’ll go into mroe about how horribly the writers wasted this next season, but here? It was interesting to give Donnie this plot since you’d expect t to go to say... Leo. I think it really worked for what it was worth and let us see a side of Donnie outside just being the smart one.

So with that said, why is he divisive? Well... it’s because another major part of his character is his crush on April. He doe snot... manage it well, to say the least. He is rather, well... stupid and kinda creepy with it. But I do want to point this out. Yes, it is annoying but I think there’s a good reason for it: he’s an awkward teenager. Yeah him asking her to feel his goosebumps (Metalhead), accidentally calling her ‘his April (The Gauntlet), accidentally saying awkward things when she acknowledges him (pick any episode) are incredibly facepalm worthy at best. And yeah, they should have done better setup than have him just find her pretty when seeing her once. However he does genuinely care about her and int he premiere, he was driven more because he saw an innocent girl scared and was unable to help than his newfound crush. The feelings are genuine and Donnie being awkward about is because... well, Donnie is awkward in general and he does slowly improve. Honestly I’ll have mroe to discuss about this next season cause haha... boy is THAT a clusterfuck. But ultimately while Donnie can be annoying, overall it’s pretty bearable and he has plenty of positive traits to balance it out.

Finally, we get Leo. He’s the group leader, but unlike the past series where he pretty much grew up with that role, here he gets the role halfway through the first episode. He starts as a goody-two-shoes with a mischievous side who had a very basic view of leadership. He see sit as a position of authority, greatness, and unstoppable. That’s not to say that he doesn’t take the role seriously, he does. He devises plans, does his best to keep his brothers focused, and frequently asks Splinter for advice on how to best do things. But he also frequently uses cheesy one-liners and does his best to be as over the top with his heroics as possible, thinking it’s cool when it isn’t. It gives Leo a more naive feel to him, someone who is serious but also is still a teenaged kid who has a lot of learning to do.

The pressures of leadership are Leo’s primary focus as a character. While he has some doubts, the biggest blow to his confident comes in The Gauntlet after there massive defeat against Shredder. The following episode has him unsure of if he can properly lead the team and feeling guilty when things go wrong. But the ultimate meltdown comes in New Girl in Town where Raph finally pushes him too hard and he quits. He’s realized at this point that leadership is not like it is on TV. it’s unforgiving, stressful, and you’re gonna be the one facing the consequences when things go wrong. His difficulty dealing with this is what attracts him to Karai. She’s fun, does whatever she wants, and doesn’t care about the rules. She offers him a form of freedom that he hasn’t had before. It’s why he tries to get her to change sides, he doesn’t want her to be an enemy. Unfortunately things end badly between them this season, but you can see where Leo is coming form no matter how naive he was about it.

Leo evolved a lot over the season. He went from a naive teenager who quoted old TV episodes to a serious, determined leader who was willing to do whatever it took to get his team through. He never quit being optimistic and he does still have his stress with leadership later down the road. But the season is about him easing not the role an understanding the weight of that role. It’s very easy to feel bad for Leo because he tries incredibly hard, but he doesn’t receive a lot of gratitude or payoff, and he just has to accept that. By the finale, he’s willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to ensure both success and his family's safety... something that becomes a bit of an issue in later seasons (looking at you Space Arc). I’d say that because we got to see Leo actually having to come to terms with the role, it makes this imo the best version of the character. We actually have to see him accept the role and how he hate show it limits his free time, something IDT the past versions really did. And all while having this dorky, idealistic side that keeps him likable and all the mroe relateable. Overall, I’d say that the leader in blue was handeled very well here!

April is my favorite character in the show, but her writing this season has some issues. Now as a character herself, she’s perfectly fine. She’s an independent sixteen year old and incredibly proactive. Whenever she finds info on the Kraang or about her dad, she looks into it. When everyone is ready to quit in Panic in the Sewers, she’s the only one who actively tries to do something and get everyone else to not give up. When Splinter offers to train her, she accepts it and we see bits and pieces of her progressing. But it’s done realistically as demonstrated in Karai’s Vendetta where it’s very clear that April is nowhere near her level. But it also demonstrates her determination and how she never gives up, getting back up after every blow and at east trying to put up a fight. While she’s forced to sit most things out and does on occasion get kidnapped, she still tries to be an asset and does very well as an intel gatherer. She’s also incredibly stubborn and can get in over her head without thinking things through, like in Metalhead and the finale episodes. But ultimately her proactiveness and need to take action are her strongest traits and what makes her a useful ally.

The issues with April are in the writing of the plot. I already mentioned how the early episodes could have done mroe in having her ease into the group. There’s also after Karai’s Vendetta where despite living with the guys, we don’t see her until the penultimate episode. We see her express hating it in that episode, but we don’t get to explore the fallout of her losing her normal life. In fact we...d on’t see April’s life outside Turtle stuff until next season, and even then not by much. Now of course the show is about the Turtles and you gotta keep the focus on them, but still we get a bunch of ‘show, don’t tell’ problems with April. We’re told things like she’s living with her aunt, but we never see them interact. Hell, IDT April’s aunt is ever mentioned outside the pilot. We also find out that April is the Kraang’s target... and we never see how she feels about it. If she’s scared, if she’s worried. We can assume that she has some stress about it, as indicated when she vents in Karai’s Vendetta, but little to no showcase of how she feels about it. Mind you we don’t with the Turtles either, but still. Still, overall April is a solid character imo.

That brings us to Master Splinter, the best written character by far. Splinter is the perfect balance of a mentor and a father. He’s firm, strict, and not afraid to dish out punishment when it’s necessary. But he’s also gentle, patient, knows how to give his sons proper guidance, and when to let them figure things out for themselves. He’s also snarky as Hell, so it’s good that he has a sense of humor. He’s also a flawed person. He lost his wife and daughter because of hat is essentially a sibling rivalry that went WAAAY too far and his own inability to control himself worsened things. He lost his family and then his humanity, ending his life as Hamato Yoshi. Since then, he’s hidden int he sewers and tried to focus his energy on raising and protecting his sons. It makes letting them go topside difficult, as it is for any parent whose children are growing up. He can make mistakes, like letting his fear control him and press his sons far too hard in Panic in the Sewers, but he can admit those mistakes.

Splintr’s largest plot in the season, outside mentoring the boys and April, is accepting his mutant status and overcoming his fears. Many epsiodes such as the premiere, Turtle Temper, Monkey Brains, Panic in the Sewers and the finale show how much pain the rat master carries and while he’s move don to a new life, it still haunts him. The episode that best displays this however is a filler episode called I, Monster. In it we get this version of the Rat King, the mind reading villain from Monkey Brains, who uses his power to swarm New York. When he senses Splinter, he proceeds to try and brainwash him too. The episode does an amazing job at showcasing all of Splinter’s fears. The boys outgrowing him, his past tragedies, ending up alone, and the Rat King slowly uses all of it to break him down. Splinter fights back, but the thought of the boys moving on without him is ultimately what defeats him until the boys remind him of who he is. He is Hamato Yoshi, Master Splinter, but most of all their father. They need him and always will. Which lets Splinter overcome the mind control and essentially Airbend Rat King through a wall. It was awesome~

Despite that episode being filler, it’s one of the season's best. It is a strong character exploration piece about a father who has gone through Hell and is faced with the fear of his kids not needing him. It is very relatable and makes Splinter all the mroe sympathetic. And we see Splinter truly embody who he is now when faced with the Shredder again and upon learning that his daughter had survived. He went into full rat mode and gave Shredder the beating that we all wanted. And the season ends on a perfect lead in for the next one. Splinter now knows that Karai is his daughter while she was raised to hate him. It’s any parent’s worst nightmare. He now has to deal with that revelation as well as how he’s going to break it to his students. Splinter has some solid growth int he season, something that a lot of mentor figures in cartoons don’t get, and it’s done perfectly. He has his flaws, but is still a strong father figure to his sons. Add that to Hoon Lee’s absolute perfect performance and you have what is in my opinion the best incarnation of Master Splinter in any TMNT series.

While the main cast is strong, the supporting cast and villains are... not so much. There isn’t really a supporting cast honestly. The best we have is Leatherhead, who is awesome. He’s a damaged character. One treated like a monster and tortured for who knows how long. It left him damaged and prone to trauma-induced outbursts. But he is a good person who knows that what happened to him was wrong and can be quite sweet when given the chance. He didn’t have to save humanity, especially since most would scream and run if they saw him, but he didn’t want anyone else to endure what he did. It’s best exemplified with his sacrifice in TCRI, going back to Dimension X and knowing fully well what’ll await him there. But he does so to save his friends and give them the chance to save the Earth. LH is freakin’ badass and I love him!

The villains though are... kinda boring. Most of the mutants, while the designs are cool, are incredibly one-note. Not all of them, like the Rat King is so dramatic and twisted and his VA does such a great job with the delivery that you both love him and want to strangle him. But others like Snakeweed or Spyder Bytez are just... well, evil for the heck of it. The Kraang are the worst though since at least the mutants are only in like one or two episodes. The Kraang are annoying as HELL. They can be dangerous but the redundant speech pattern and all fo them having essentially the same personality (aka none) is so... boring. Min you in Season 4 we kind of get an explanation to why, but it doesn't change how grating they can get. That being said in large groups they can be dangerous and with things like the Technodrome, they’re not to be taken lightly. Still, GAH I HATE THEM!!!

The Foot are somewhat better. Stockman is pathetic and remains pathetic throughout the entire series. Bradford is a pompous asshole. Xever is a little more interesting in that he kidn of was forced to work for Shredder or go to jail... but sadly after that reveal, he reverts to typical henchman status sadly. Shredder is the Big Bad and a no-nonsense leader. He has no empathy and is more than willing to inflict physical violence on his troops if they fail him. He even threatens to harm Karai, his daughter (kinda...) if she questions him. He is a very single minded perosn, his only goal beign to kill Splinter and his students by any means necessary. Hell. he only starts caring about the Kraang when he realizes that they can advance his goal, but has zero issues letting humanity fall to them. Oh, and there’s his glee when Karai tries to kill Splinter. WOrst? THis isn’t even the worst that he does int he show. Oh just wait for next season. JUST WAIT. Otherwise though, while a powerful fighter, he just mopes in his throne for most of the season, but Richardson’s badass voice acting was nice to hear.

The most interesting villain by far is Karai, and Thank God for it. While Leo is a good-good, Karai is a bad girl. She’s laid-back, does what she wants her way, and doesn’t play by the rules. She’s introduced as a competent fighter, but unlike the other Foot she’s more interesting in talking to the Turtles than killing them. I think she did become genuinely fond of Leo, but ultimately she’s going to be loyal to what she thinks is her family. She also started off realizing that there were bugger problems, like the Kraang, that required more attention over the vendetta until the Turtles betrayed her. Then she pretty much went ‘screw it’ and decided to go with the vendetta, which only got worst when she met Splinter for the first time. Still, ti was nice to have someone actually question Shredder and try to be sensible. She’s definite the most well-written of the villains, and the revelation about her being Splinter’s daughter means that there is MUCH more to come for her. Like I said, just wait for Season 2!

Okay, this section was a LOOOT longer than I thought. So I’ll just finish by saying that the villains aren't all that interesting, but the main characters are very well written. They have strong personalities, plenty of room for growth, and their interactions always gel really well. Very well done!

Rating: 4.5

Story

The main plot threads are the Turtles against the Foot, and the Turtles feud against the Kraang. All with some subplots, like Pulverizer and the mutant of the week stuff, and filler episodes thrown in. I say that the plots are handled very well. For example well go with... say two or three Kraang-centric episodes. Then we may or may not get a filler episode before shifting over to the Foot Clan for awhile. It never felt like we got smothered with one faction over the other, which is good. The plots also slowly intertwined and it felt like they came together at just the right time during the last six or so episodes. Hence hwy the finale worked so well, giving some kind of payoff on both ends.

Many of the episodes were very basic and outright bizarre. Like Cockroach Terminator having a mutant cockroach tr to murder Raph... it’s kinda gross, but entertaining! Every episode normally has at least something small that’ll carry over as the story goes along. For example, Donnie built Metalhead in... well, Metalhead and brought him back in the finale, plus it helped him learn mroe about Kraang tech. In Baxter’s Gambit, April finally gets her own weapon and she attempts to use it in Karai’s Vendetta. The episodes all play a part, even if just minor, in the larger narrative and I feel some of the later seasons kind of slacked on that. This season had a perfect balance.

That’s not to say that it was perfect. Like at the end of TCRI, we find out that April is the Kraang’s true target which makes us wonder why... and the next episode is about Raph’s fear of bugs! So TCRI was episode 17, we don’t even mention this fact again until Karai’s Vendetta, which is episode 21. Five episodes later, and even then we get one tiny hint (April doesn't get damaged by mutagen-laced water) and... that’s it. The.show has a bit of an issue with not exploring fallout, which is weird because Panic in the Sewers did and id it excellently. Maybe it’s because they have to make episodes to sell toys, IDK. It doesn't do too much damage, but it makes it feel like they both wasted character opportunities and like there’s something missing. But at the very least the episodes remain entertaining, so there’s that.

Rating: 4

Final Thoughts

You know what I like about this series and why I ran it above the other ones? Well it does something that I feel that the previous incarnations lacked: The Teenage Mutant Nina Turtles felt like teenagers. They felt like a bunch of kids truly entering the world for the first time. They screw up, they have problems to overcome, and they don’t always learn it immideatly. Like their cockiness is a frequent pain in the shell for example. But the reason that I like pretty much all of the episodes aside form Episode 11 is because it feels like we’re watching a group of kids truly starting to grow up and learn about how rough life can be. How they have to change, how they have to fix their mistakes, and just become better people. As a nineteen year old who was just staring to figure my life out, when I started the show, that drew me in. I related to these characters so much. I felt like I was growing with them and coming to understand who I was due to it.

It felt really nostalgic to go back over this season. Imo, it still holds up big time. It’s funny, action-heavy, well animated, and the characters are just as enjoyable as I remember. Would I call this the best season? Hmm... maybe. I still have three more to look over. But it was a really fun ride and it got TMNT 2012 off on the right track. Can they stay on it during Season 2? Come back next week, and we shall see!

[dwtsfun]

World of Dance: Season 2 Duel Round 2

Okay. A little different in format. This won’t be a live blog (obviously) but it will take the form of one. I will be giving my live reactions. I’m going to give some quick thoughts on each duel, state who I thought won and then bold who actually won.

The Lab vs. Lil Killaz

This is the best that I’ve seen The Lab. They did not come to play. That was sick! Also, did I see some Kinjaz inspired stuff in there?

Okay. So Lil Killaz were really really good. But it’s difficult to move on when you’re up against a monster like The Lab.

I feel like The Lab won that easily. Easily.

Yeah. That was pretty obvious. Though Lil Killaz still did a great job.

Alisa & Joseph vs. Elektro Botz

Ayyyyeeeee!!! One of my fave Ne-Yo songs. And my favorite video of his. They better bring it. I loved that! YES! It better hold up. That was good.

Okay. Elektro Botz. Hmm. This is interesting. I’m not sure how I felt about that. It was good but I’m not sure. Idk which group won. I’m back and forth with it.

I want Alisa and Joseph to win though. So we’ll see. 

That was super close. But I think I have to agree with that. The messy parts is probably what did Elektro Botz in tbh.

Desi Hoppers vs. Opus Dance Collective

So just a wild guess before I see either performance: Desi Hoppers win. There seems to be a pattern going on with the act listed first being the winner of the duel. Plus, I don’t remember actually seeing the Opus Dance Collective.

Mm. I did not care for that at all. I’m sorry. I just didn’t. I’m not even really sure what it was about. But they danced it well.SN: NBC is getting ridiculous with these commercials. This is BET bad.

Okay that was dope. I loved that. It was fun, flirty, cheeky, difficult, clean, interesting, traditional, modern and so much more. I loved it. 

I think Desi Hoppers take this easily. And they did.

Sean & Kaycee vs. 3 Xtreme

Okay! Okay! They did that! That was sick! I like them. I’m sad they won’t make it through.

Yooo. Wtf! That was sickening. This little boy is a genius. WHAT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION DO YOU NEED FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!?!?!?! STFU NE-YO. And Miss Kaycee. That flexibility? Listen.

Sean and Kaycee won. That much is clear.

Royal Flux vs. Lock n Lol Crew

Is that lady’s foot from Royal Flux better? I’m not sure if some of those lifts were kinda messy but I enjoyed that a lot. I didn’t expect to because I’m honestly sick of contemporary on this show. But this was something that I liked. With actual dancing. I hope she don’t permanently mess up her foot. I mean I know gymnasts and other athletes compete with injuries all of the time (*waves* it me). But they also usually have elite doctors ready at any moment if something bad happens. Idk if they have that here.

SHOOT! YES! WOO! That fan at the end was the statement that sealed the deal for me.

For me. Lock n Lol Crew wins. But they’re up against a favorite contemporary group. Sooooo...

They got it!!!! Sucks because I actually really like Royal Flux. And I wish they could stay over so many of the other contemporary acts that are the same dressed up in different costumes and bodies.

Marinspired vs. Dragon House

This is an interesting pairing. I wouldn’t put these two acts together.

Hmmm. It was okay. It felt rushed. The storytelling was good though.

Alright Dragon House. Bring it. Okay. BUSTA! Sick! Some of the spacing was off for me.

This is hard. So I’m going to say that I want Dragon House to go forward. Just because they’re the underdogs. But I know that they won’t. Omg. So freaking close.

Charity & Andres vs. Vivian Ruiz

Here is where we see the perfect score that they’ve been talking about for the whole episode.

Oh please don’t let that one be the perfect score. Oh my gosh. Please no.

Oh fuck! I have no words. They choreographed it??????? They are perfect. This is the routine.

I mean it’s clear that it is Charity and Andres. That dance is gonna stay with me forever.

Okay. This episode was amazing. The dancing was phenomenal. And I don’t think any of the decisions were wrong.

Hopefully next week is more like this week and not like last. 

[wazafam]

From short cameos to season-long roles, stunt casting has been used for decades. But it has become increasingly popular in recent years, and more often than not, it’s simply used as a handy marketing tool.

RELATED: Fargo: Friendships That Should Have Happened (But Didn't)

But more than anything else, it’s a novelty used to put actors in roles that go against their type or to fool audiences. Whether it’s comedy duos cast as FBI agents, real-life couples playing characters who are enemies, or a well-seasoned actor being thrown into a low-budget sitcom, these examples of stunt casting have been more satisfying than any other.

10 Key And Peele In Fargo

Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele may as well be attached at the hip, as there’s very little they don’t do together outside of the horror movies that Peele has directed.

Not only do they have their own successful sketch show together, but they also starred in Toy Story 4 together as Bunny and Ducky, which is almost stunt casting itself. And on top of that, they were cast in Fargo as two FBI agents. Fargo is a masterclass in stunt casting all on its own, but the casting of Key and Peele added to the dark comedy of the show perfectly.

9 Larry David In Hannah Montana

With Larry David being the creator and star of Curb Your Enthusiasm, one of the most offensively hilarious sitcoms of all-time, he featured in a show that could be seen as the polar opposite.

David starred in an episode of Hannah Montana where he plays his typical self and ends up arguing with a restaurant host. Why he did it might is still a mystery as anybody who watches Curb knows that David doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do. But considering how his daughter is in the scene with him, odds are he probably did it for her.

8 Will Ferrell In The Office

After Steve Carell decided to leave The Office to pursue more serious roles in movies, it almost seemed like the writers didn’t know what to do as there was a revolving door of random branch managers.

RELATED: The Office's 5 Best Guest Stars (& 5 Celebrities The Show Squandered)

The best of them all came in the form of Deangelo Vickers, played by Will Ferrell, who is just as incompetent as Michael Scott, if not more so. Casting Ferrell as Carell’s successor was a genius move as they had already starred in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. So it felt as if it had come full circle.

7 Ashanti In Buffy The Vampire Slayer

As Buffy the Vampire Slayer is very much a monster-of-the-week type show, with each episode featuring a new villain that Buffy inevitably defeats in around 40 minutes, some of these villains ended up being recognizable faces.

The biggest stunt-casting came when Ashanti played a demonic character, who hilariously goes on a date with Xander. But that isn’t the only history Buffy has with stunt casting, as Britney Spears was almost cast in the role of a robot, but didn’t end up happening due to scheduling conflicts.

6 Quentin Tarantino In Alias

Being the biggest consumer of movies and TV than anyone else in the world, Quentin Tarantino has always been happy to share what he’s currently enjoying, whether it’s old western movies or Star Trek.

But he was also a big fan of JJ Abrams’ Alias, to which the creator responded by giving the controversial director a role of his own. Tarantino actually has a big role and his own arc in a two-part episode, as he plays an SD-6 agent gone rogue.

5 Paris Hilton In My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl is a show that fans will never get closure for as it was canceled after the biggest cliffhanger of the series. But at least left fans with enough memorable and quirky episodes to binge, one of the most memorable of them being “I Won’t Die With A Little Help From My Friends.”

When Earl has been comatose after a car accident, the viewers learn that he believes he is living his life in a sitcom filmed show called The Hickeys. Paris Hilton makes a cameo in this episode as herself, and her prim-like attitude that she’s known for contrasts with the trailer park characters of the show hilariously.

4 Bill Burr In Breaking Bad

While the show would look a lot different if it was recast today, fans would agree that there a few casting choices that helped to make Breaking Bad as iconic as it was. From Bob Odenkirk’s portrayal of the criminal lawyer Saul Goodman or Bryan Cranston as Walter White (which is stunt casting itself considering his previous role as Hal in Malcolm in the Middle), many fans would say this casting was ingenious.

RELATED: Breaking Bad: 10 Times Someone Was Killed In Broad Daylight

However, one that did surprise them was Bill Burr, who played Kuby, Saul Goldman’s right-hand man. Though Burr has gone on to continue his dramatic acting in The Mandalorian and The King of Staten Island, this was the first time viewers ever saw him in a serious role.

3 Danny DeVito In It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Casting Danny DeVito in the show is a lesson for any enthusiasts looking to work in TV, and the lesson is that if somebody like DeVito asks to star in a promising up-and-coming show, then they should say yes. The actor approached the creators of the show and asked for a role simply because his son liked it.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia is 14 seasons deep at this point and it has been renewed for another four, and that’s in no small part thanks to DeVito.

2 Brad Pitt In Friends

One thing Friends is known for is its expert use of guest stars, whether it’s Bruce Willis as Elizabeth's father or Sean Penn as Ursula's fiance. However, one that was memorable was Brad Pitt's cameo.

In what is such a subtly meta-joke for a series (that is more grounded in reality compared to other shows) Friends made use out of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s marriage at the time by casting Pitt in the show as an enemy of Rachel’s. While fans were delighted to have him part of the show for a brief amount of time, they just wish the writers had executed the storyline a little differently.

1 Evan Peters As Pietro In WandaVision

There has never been any kind of stunt-casting on TV more talked about than Evan Peter’s casting as Pietro in WandaVision, and that isn’t just because it’s one of the most-watched shows of all-time. After having played the same character in the X-Men series, a completely different universe, his first appearance on the show sent fans into a frenzy.

Viewers thought that WandaVision would be the catalyst for the multiverse, and that the Marvel Cinematic Universe and X-Men would collide. When the didn’t happen, it split fans into two different camps. However, it still made shockwaves on the internet nonetheless.

NEXT: MCU: 5 Reasons We're More Excited For WandaVision (& 5 For The Falcon & The Winter Soldier)

10 Best Examples Of Stunt-Casting On TV | ScreenRant from https://ift.tt/3weQg9x

[callunavulgari]

YEAR-IN-BOOKS

I’m gonna go ahead and do this again this year, because I really like end of year reflection things and it was fun last year, so hey.

1. a book you loved?

I was fond of most of the books that I read this year and all in different ways. Last year was an absolute goldmine of awesome, amazing love this book forever types. This year I definitely had less of those, but I read more, and what’s maybe even better is that I also read a lot of books that I normally wouldn’t have. I wanna say that my favorites of the ones that I read were either The Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo or Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel.

2. a book you hated?

UGH. Artemis by Andy Weir. It is the first book that I have ever given only one star to on goodreads, and was a total waste of time. I’ve read a good half of The Martian, and even though I’ve yet to finish it, I liked what I read well enough. But as I said in my scathing goodreads review, The Martian worked for Weir because it’s one dude alone on Mars. Artemis, unfortunately, requires a full cast of characters and has a female protagonist. Weir does not know how to write women OR realistic dialogue, and following along with middle school grade humor and a woman that is basically a lady-sized cut-and-paste of Weir’s ideal wet dream. Which wouldn’t be bad, necessarily, if she wasn’t so obviously a man’s ‘idea’ of a woman, instead of an actual three dimensional character.

3. a book that made you cry?

There’s a scene at the end of Victoria Schwab’s Our Dark Duet that involves a cat. No, the cat does not die, and I don’t want to get into it because the whole reason the scene is sad is because of spoilery context, but I did end up tearing up because of that damn cat.

4. a book that made you happy?

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers is an absolute delight. It has legitimate funny moments, really well drawn out characters including several species that are so perfectly crafted that you can envision them, right down to the feathers and claws, and the story, while a little meandering, is totally great. 

5. the best sequel?

I read kind of a lot of sequels this year, but then, I also finished a lot of series this year, period. My gut reaction is to say Siege and Storm, because it’s one of the ones that I read the fastest, and the series that sticks out the most. But I’m going to say The Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo. And honestly, second up is probably Waking Gods, because holy wow, those books.

6. most anticipated release for the new year?

I’m really looking forward to Only Human, Thunderhead, and Vengeful, which are the sequels and triquels (is that a thing? that word should be a thing) to Sleeping Giants, Scythe, and Vicious, all of which I read this year and adored. The book that isn’t a sequel that I’m most looking forward to is Feeder by Patrick Weekes, which is basically about a lady that hunts monsters. It looks right up my alley and I’m super psyched.

7. favorite new author?

Technically I discover Schwab last year, but I did a lot of exploring of the books that she’s written this year and she is definitely a new favorite of mine. The other one that I’m keeping my eye on is Sylvain Neuvel, who wrote Sleeping Giants and Waking Gods. More on those books later.

8. favorite book to film adaptation?

So, the only reason that I reread A Wrinkle In Time is because of the trailer for the new movie that is coming out in March. I got incredibly excited, and am probably, if I can afford it, flying down south to watch the movie with my mom when it comes out. The Annihilation trailer also looks pretty cool, but I’m anticipating serious changes there. I did end up watching the film adaptation of Me Before You this year, which I’d read last summer. I ended up crying like a baby, and was pleasantly surprised by how much of the book they kept.

9. the most surprising book?

A Natural History of Dragons, by Marie Brennan. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I borrowed the book from the library, but it wasn’t the Pride and Prejudice with dragons that I got, and stupidly delighted by.

10. the most interesting villain?

The Grisha Trilogy, for sure. Honestly, Alina and the Darkling’s relationship was the only thing that kept me reading these books, and I was thrilled by the Darkling from the moment I realized he was the villain in Shadow and Bone all the way to the end. “Make me your villain,” indeed.

11. the best makeouts?

Okay, so Love For the Cold-Blooded was about a million times pornier than I imagined it would be, so that would get my vote for best sex, but there weirdly wasn’t much actual kissing involved. Also the fact that I didn’t like the characters or story very much probably didn’t help things. So honestly? Probably Shadow and Bone. That [SPOILER, though not much of one] scene where Alina and the Darkling make out against a wall was probably the most exhilarating scene of the entire series. Like, trust me. I know he’s the villain, bad wrong, etc. etc. but I shipped them hard. 

12. a book that was super frustrating?

Slaughterhouse Five. I didn’t actually get around to finishing it, because the version that I got was an audio cd narrated by James Franco and I just. Didn’t want to fall asleep in the middle of traffic. I don’t know if it was the story, his voice, or a combination of both but I was super uninterested in the entire situation. I gave up somewhere in the middle of the second cd.

13. a book you texted about, and the text was IN CAPSLOCK?

Okay, so the thing is. I don’t really have any friends. Not ones that I can talk to about books anyway, which is super tragic, because I love books and I miss being able to talk (read: rant) about whatever I’ve just read. I do it with Nick occasionally, but he doesn’t ‘get’ fiction so it’s mostly just me waving my hands a lot and talking rapidly in his direction as he nods and takes a couple steps back so I don’t accidentally smack him in the nose. I did, however, have a conversation with my roommate about Wool, and all the reasons why she should read it.

14. a book for the small children in your life?

Okay, but every kid should read A Wrinkle In Time. The sequels are a little... stranger than I remember, but I loved reading them as a kid, and I really loved rereading the first one as an adult. 

15. a book you learned from?

Spunk & Bite was a guide to ‘punchier’ writing, and while I wouldn’t say that I really learned anything that I didn’t already know, some things were expanded on that I found interesting. I also read some of The Islamic Enlightenment, which was pretty decent from what I read of it but a bit much for my poor ADHD brain. I think I need to stick to fiction.

16. a book you wouldn’t normally try?

A lot of the books that I read this year were things that I wouldn’t normally pick up. I think the ones that were most out of my element were Less by Andrew Sean Greer and Before the Fall by Noah Hawley. The first book is about an aging author who, when upon invited to his ex’s wedding, takes a trip around the globe in order to get out of going. My manager, who I talk to about books a lot, asked about it and was incredibly confused since it’s so far from what I usually read. Despite this, it’s probably the book that I will remember most from this year a decade down the line. Before the Fall is similarly not my usual cup of tea, about a man and a boy who survive an airplane crash. It’s a thriller/mystery, but the characters are so beautifully fleshed out that it hooked me anyway.

17. a book with something magical in it?

Technically a good half of them have magic of some sort, because that is the usual type of book that I read. I’m going to go with All The Crooked Saints by Maggie Stiefvater though, because all of her books are magical.

18. the best clothes?

As much as I would love to get away with wearing the brightly colored reaper’s robes from Scythe, I really, really adored the description of Arthur’s suit in Less. 

19. the most well-rounded characters?

That was a theme of the books that I read this year. They all had really gorgeously well-rounded characters with intricate backstories and relationships. Before the Fall was really, really good about it, as was Station Eleven, and The Secret History, though in the case of that last one you almost don’t want to get to know the characters better by the end of it.

20. the best world-building?

I really liked the world building in A Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet. I seriously can’t even begin how to describe how cool all the different species and space jargon was in this book. This is the space-faring book that I wanted Artemis to be.

21. the worst world-building?

Love For The Cold-Blooded? It’s a world of superheroes and villains, but it’s so slapstick that it takes away from the book a lot. Like, honestly if it wasn’t for the fact that I was vaguely intrigued by the hero bangs evil minion side of it, I wouldn’t have even kept reading.

22. a book with a good sidekick?

Gut-punch reaction is A Crooked Kingdom, but it’s hard to call any of those characters a sidekick. I’m going to go with The Archived, by Victoria Schwab, because I haven’t talked about the series yet and Roland and Wesley are both fantastic sidekicks. I loved them both immensely, most of the time more than the main character herself. The Unbound, its sequel, made those two even more compelling.

23. the most insufferable narrator?

Ugh, ugh, ugh, definitely Jazz from Artemis. Again, it isn’t her fault, she could have been super cool. Genius, tech-savvy, Muslim girl who lives on the moon and smuggles shit? Definitely could have been a cool character. But seriously, that dude cannot write ladies. She is literally just Mark Watney. 

24. a book you were excited to read for months beforehand?

All The Crooked Saints. But I think I’ll always be excited for Stiefvater books.

25. a book you picked up on a whim?

I picked up almost all of these because they had been recommended to me in some capacity. Spunk & Bite and The Islamic Enlightenment were both books that I picked up in the library because they simply caught my eye. Slaughterhouse Five I actually only grabbed because it was one of the only audiobooks in stock that wasn’t either Danielle Steel or Christian talky shows.

26. a book that should be read in a foreign country?

Less. I read it in a pool in North Carolina this summer and though it scratched the itch, it should entirely be read in a foreign country. 

27. a book cassian andor would like?

Sleeping... Giants? Or A Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet?

28. a book gina linetti would like?

I legitimately have no idea what this character is like.

29. your favorite cover art?

A Conjuring of Light or All The Crooked Saints. They’re both very aesthetic™

30. a book you read in translation?

None of them. Clearly I’m not getting diverse enough.

31. a book from another century?

Hah. Haha. Technically A Wrinkle In Time was written last century. Oh god, I’m getting old.

32. a book you reread?

Other than A Wrinkle In Time, which I read so long ago that it shouldn’t even be counted as a reread, I didn’t actually do any full rereads this year. I’ve been itching to reread both The Raven Cycle and Uprooted though, so maybe I’ll do those when I make my way through my library pile.

33. a book you’re dying to talk about, and why?

Okay, but seriously. Less and Station Eleven were fucking phenomenal and should be read even if you’re unsure that you will like them. I loved both of them immensely and again, I can’t rant to any of my friends and work friends about books because they look at me like I’m stupid. Also, Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman. Those were some damn good short stories.

[seanconway1001]

Infinite Jest: The Perfect Bookshelf Book

Alright, no one in the entire world has read this book. I mean come on, its infinite. It’s one of the three things that every college student lies about, the other two are how much water they drink in a day and how their rent got paid last month.  For the sake of full disclosure I’ll be honest, I made it about 100 pages in before I finally got tired of either checking the footnotes in the back of the book or having to consult a dictionary every other word like an idiot.  But, do not fret, if you decide to purchase this book I can give you some talking points in case someone lies to you and tells you they read it, it's about tennis and weed.

This monster of a book has been up on my bookshelf collecting dust for over a year now, and I gotta say, it looks fucking great.  The book is huge, the sky-blue and neon-green are vibrant, it is the perfect book for someone to walk into my apartment and think “This dude is a genius.”  While I am all about tricking people into thinking that I’m much smarter than I really am, there are practical reasons to own this book as well:

The book is seriously massive. It takes up an incredible amount of space on my bookshelf, filling it up, saving me money on bookends.  Most of the books I read are around 200-300 pages because I’m usually too busy scrolling through Twitter or Instagram, galaxy-brain apps, so having a book that is over 1,000 pages is really upping my literature game. 

The book is basically new.  Since I’ve only read about 10% of this book it's in really good shape, no creases, no tears.  Which is important when you don’t really read but want your visitors under the impression that you do.

This book keeps you in check.  Sometimes in our lives, we have a week where we feel too successful, too accomplished.  Having a type of week like this can ruin you, it can make you braggadocious, cocky, an asshole to your friends, we’ve all felt it.  But I guarantee, no matter how smart you feel, when you open this book you’re gonna feel like the idiot you truly are. C’mon I mean the words are longer than my drive to the bookstore, sometimes one sentence will fill an entire page, fuck this book.

Needless to say every aspiring pseudo-intellectual needs to own this book so other aspiring pseudo-intellectuals can validate you in their eyes. But until I can get my brain microchipped to be able to use google within my own brain, Infinite Jest is going to stay up on my bookshelf, looking so fucking fly.

-Sean Conway

[bamby0304]

The Hart: Chapter One

Summary:  When Lizzie was just a few months old, she lost her father. Fifteen years later she lost her mother, and then her sister. Now in her early twenties Lizzie spends her days and nights hunting things and saving people. When the Winchesters meet the bright eyed and bubbly blonde they don’t realise what they’re in for… and neither does she… 

Part Six: The Crossroad

Masterlist

Warnings: None

Bamby

DPOV

Sam and I sat in a diner. He was on his laptop, looking at the damage that was caused after we'd been arrested while I enjoyed some fries and a burger.

"So much for our low profile. You got a warrant in St. Louis. And now you're officially in the Fed's database."

I couldn't help but grin. "Dude, I'm like Dillinger or something."

"Dean, it's not funny. It makes the job harder, we gotta be more careful now."

"What do they got on you?"

He paused a moment before turning back to his computer to check. "I'm sure they just haven't posted it yet."

"Wait, no accessory? Nothing?"

"Shut up."

Chuckling, I turned back to my fries. "You're jealous."

"No, I'm not." he responded defensively."

"All right." I shrugged, changing the subject. "What you got on the case there, you innocent, harmless young man, you?"

He closed his laptop a little too harshly before reaching for the information he'd gathered earlier. "'Architect Sean Boyden plummeted to his death from the roof of his home, a condominium he designed’."

"Build a high-rise and jump off the top of it. That's classy." I scoffed lightly. "When did he call Animal Control?"

"Two days earlier."

"Did he actually say, black dog?"

"Yeah. 'Vicious, wild black dog'. The authorities couldn't find it, no one else saw it. In fact, authorities are a little confused as to how a wild dog could get past the doorman, take the elevator and start roaming the halls of the cushiest joint in town. After that, no more calls, he doesn't show up for work. Two days later he takes a swan dive."

"You think we're dealing with-" I cut myself short at the sound of a giggle. Looking over at the counter of the diner I shook my head at the sight before me. "Come on." I groaned. "Does she ever take a break?"

Sam turned around to see what I was looking at. "Who, Lizzie?"

"Yes, Lizzie." I answered as if it were obvious.

She was leaning against the counter, a guy standing in front of her. She was giving him her flirty grin, batting her eyes and fiddling with his black jacket.

He was taller than her, thin with practically no meat on his bones. Dark and obviously dyed hair that looked like he hadn't brushed in days. Dressed in dark clothes, with a bad boy look about him. There didn't seem to be anything special about the guy, but that didn't seem to matter.

Every town we'd been to, Liz had found at least one guy to keep her entertained. She had no shame in it either. Whenever I mentioned it, she shrugged and commented on the women I picked up. But that was different. She was walking off with strange men, with no back up and no clue who they were or what they wanted to do with her. I didn't like it.

Just then, she gave the guy her phone. It was clear he was giving her his number.

"Oh, come on." I shook my head.

Sam chuckled lightly as he turned back to me. "Now who's the jealous one?"

"I'm not jealous. I'm just concerned for a friend. He could be a serial killer for all she knows. He could have a freezer full of body parts." I noted.

"Dean, I'm pretty sure she knows how to handle herself."

"Hey, what you talking about?" Liz asked as she came to sit next to me, reaching over to grab one of my fries.

"Just talking about the case." Sam shrugged. I was surprised. It wasn't like him to keep something that could embarrass me secret.

"Ah, right." she nodded. "The mysterious black dogs. So, what are we thinking?"

"There's spectral black dogs all over the world. But, some say they're animal spirits, others, death omen." Sam handed me the paperwork so Liz and I could look it over. "Anyways, whatever they are, they're big, nasty-"

"I bet they could hump the crap out of your leg. Look at that one." I grinned, pointing to a picture of a large, scary looking dog.

Liz elbowed me. "Do you have any filter?"

"Nope." I grinned. Trying to play it cool, I casually went on. "So, I see you found a new friend to play with."

"Maybe." a grin of her own grew on her lips. "What's it to you, Winchester? You jealous or something?" she asked as she reached over and fiddled with my jacket, just like she'd been doing with the guy at the counter.

I swallowed hard, looking down at her long delicate fingers. My eyes then looked to hers, and I found myself drowning in the deep, dark pools of blue. There was a mischievous gleam to them, mixed with the obvious flirty grin she was giving me as her eyes wandered all over me.

Her whole look told me she was ready to get up to no good. It made a man's heart race and adrenaline pump, as I thought of all the things we could get up to.

She's good.

Recovering, I gave a casual shrug. "Why should I be jealous of a bad-boy-wannabe like him? There's no way he could keep up with you." I grinned.

"You think so?"

"Oh, I know so sweetheart."

"So... who do you think can keep up with me?" she leaned a little closer then, biting her lip.

"I can think of at least one person."

"Yeah?" her hand slid up to the collar of my jacket.

We were close now, just a few inches apart. Everything else had fallen away the longer we'd talked and looked at each other. I found myself unable to choose between looking at her lips or looking into her eyes.

Sam had been right, I was jealous. From the moment I saw Liz I knew I liked her. I never wanted anything serious with anyone, and it wasn't different with her. But that didn't mean I liked the idea of her being with other guys.

We'd flirt every now and then. But nothing had happened between us. She'd given me the impression nothing ever would. I had a feeling there was a no-hunters rule or something like that.

Still, here we were, inches apart. It wouldn't take much to lean forward and close the space between us...

Sam cleared his throat, causing both Liz and I to turn to him. "You two done flirting?"

Realizing what we were doing, where we were, who was with us, and how close we were, the two of us pulled back as the grins on our faces dropped. I turned back to my food as Liz turned to the paperwork, neither of us saying a word.

EPOV

Sam walked around the room, looking around as he asked the victims friend slash co-worker a question. "So, you and Sean Boyden were business partners for almost ten years, right?"

"That's right." the guy nodded. "One more time, this is for...?"

"A tribute for Mr Boyden." Dean answered. "Architectural Digest."

Sean's friend scoffed before chuckling lightly.

"Something funny to you?" Dean asked.

"No. It's just, uh... A tribute. Yeah. See, Sean always got the tributes. He kills himself, leaves me and his family behind, but he gets another tribute."

"Any idea why he'd do such a thing?" Sam asked.

"I have no clue. I mean, he lived the charmed life."

I frowned. "What do you mean by that?"

"He was a flat-out genius. I mean, I'm capable, but next to him..." he shook his head. "It wasn't always that way either."

This got Dean's attention. "No?"

"Wanna know the truth? There was a time when he couldn't even design a pup tent. Hell, ten years ago, he's working as a bartender at this place called Lloyd's. Complete dive."

"Right." Sam nodded. "So what changed?"

"You got me. But overnight, he gets this huge commission and he starts designing... He starts designing the most ingenious buildings anyone has ever seen. It was like the level of Van Gogh and Mozart." he stopped himself for a moment then.

"And?" I pressed.

"It's funny. True geniuses, they seem to die young, don't they?" he shook his head. "To have that kind of talent. Why? Why just throw it away?"

After visiting Sean's friend, Dean, Sam and I decided to check out the animal shelter to see if they could help us find this black dog. Dean was inside getting the details while Sam and I waited in the car outside.

I was in the backseat- like usual- tapping a beat on my knee absentmindedly, when Sam turned to me.

"So, that guy at the diner. You two gonna hook up?"

"Probably not." I shrugged.

"And why's that?" he asked, a look in his eyes as if he thought there was something going on.

I looked to him curiously. "Why do you suddenly care who I take to bed, Sam? I thought your brother was the jealous one."

He just gave a light chuckle. "Don't worry, we're both just trying to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine." I insisted. "It's not like I needed my two knights in flannel and jeans before."

The term slut did not sit right with me. I'd been called that, and many other things, before. A lot. By tons of people. But I kinda expect it, seeing as I did jump from guy to guy while on the job.

I found it hypocritical seeing as men were allowed to sleep with as many women as they wanted, and they were congratulated on it. Hell, Dean and I had probably slept with the same amount of people during the few weeks I'd been with the guys. No one said anything about that. It's because I was a girl, that's why I was getting attention for it.

I'm not a slut. I'm not a whore. I'm not a tramp. I’m not a tart. I'm not easy. I just enjoy sex. I enjoy having the company of someone I find attractive and interesting. I enjoy the fact I don't have any pressure when it comes to relationships, boyfriends, or commitment. I can sleep with whoever I want, whenever I want.

Being on the road can get lonely, so I spend some free time with people I don't know. Yes, it can be dangerous. But my job involves killing monsters and things that go bump in the night. The day I can't handle a simple man, is the day I'll start to rethink my actions.

The driver's side door opened as Dean got into the car.

"So?" Sam asked expectantly.

"The secretary's name is Carly. She's twenty-three, she kayaks, and they're real." Dean grinned.

"You didn't happen to ask if she'd seen any black dogs lately, did you?" Sam clearly wanted to stay on track, always very focused.

"Every complaint called in this week about anything big, black or dog-like. There's nineteen calls in all." Dean handed Sam the paperwork. "And, uh, I don't know what this thing is." he showed Sam a post-it note.

Sam laughed. "You mean Carly's Myspace address?"

"Myspace, what the hell is that?" Dean was completely confused, hell even I was. But unlike me, Dean instantly thought with the wrong part of his mind. "Seriously, is that like some sort of porn site?"

I leaned forward and hit him across the back of his head.

"Hey!" he spun around to look at me. "What the hell was that for?"

"Shut up and drive, moron." I rolled my eyes and leaned back into the seat again.

SPOV

The three of us walked up to the front door of a large, expensive house. As we neared the door, I lifted my fist and knocked on the hard wood.

Dean looked over to Lizzie and me. "I swear, if this is another friggin' Pomeranian barking in the neighbour's yard-" before he could finish, the door opened as a young Asian looking woman opened the door. "Afternoon, ma`am. Animal control." he pulled out a fake badge.

The woman looked confused. "Someone already came yesterday."

"Oh, we're just following up." I explained. "We're looking for a Dr Sylvia Pearlman."

"Do you mind if we come in?" Lizzie asked, a smile on her face. She was all charm when she wanted to be. "I could really use a drink, if you don't mind?"

"Of course." the woman stepped to the side and let us through before leading us towards the kitchen. "The doctor, well, she... I don't know exactly when she'll be back. She left two days ago."

"Okay. And you are?" I asked.

"I'm Ms. Pearlman's maid."

Dean nodded as we entered the kitchen. "So, where did the doctor go?"

"I'm not sure. She just packed and went. She didn't say where." the woman answered as she grabbed a glass of water before handing it over to Lizzie. "That stray dog, did you find it finally?"

"Not yet. But we're still looking." Lizzie smiled again. "You didn't happen to see the dog yourself, did you?"

"Well, no. I never even heard it. I was starting to think the doctor was imagining things. But, she's not like that, so-"

Dean cut her off as he looked to some photos on the fridge. "I read she was a chief surgeon at the hospital? She's gotta be what, forty-two, forty-three? That's pretty young for that job."

"Youngest in history. She got the position ten years ago."

"Huh... An overnight success, ten years ago." I looked over to Dean.

"Yeah, we know a guy like that." he nodded, grabbing one of the photos off the fridge and turning it over. "Oh, look at this. Lloyd's Bar." the name was writing on the back.

Lizzie, place the glass of water on to the bench. "You know, you have been a major help ma`am. If you could give us a call when the Dr comes back, we'd appreciate that." she handed the maid a card. "And thank you so much for the water. It hit the spot." she smiled before turning to Dean and I. "Gentlemen, shall we go?"

EPOV

The moment Dean stopped the car by Lloyd's bar, I jumped out.

"Liz, wait up." Dean called.

I ignored him, moving to stand in the middle of the road. A crossroad. Yarrow plants lining each corner. People getting what they want and dying ten years later. Big, black dogs been seen by the people dying but by no one else.

"Shit..."

"What's wrong?" Sam asked as the brothers came to stand with me.

"Do you see where we're standing?"

Dean shrugged. "Yeah. In the middle of the road, by a bar."

"No." I shook my head and gestured around us. "Guys, we're at a crossroads. Do you have any idea what that means?" before they could answer I turned and hurried back to the car, moving to the trunk. "Can you open it?" when the brothers just stood there, I tried again. "Just humour me?"

Sighing, Dean did as I asked, unlocking the trunk.

I pulled out the shovel and moved to about the middle of the crossroad and began to dig.

"You want us to-"

I cut Sam off. "No, it's fine. It's not like I haven't dug a hole before."

As I continued to dig, it didn't take long before the tip of the shovel hit something metal in the small hole I'd made. Dropping the shovel, I got to my knees and began to use my hands as I pulled a box out from the ground.

Opening it, I was not surprised by what I found.

Sam and Dean crouched next to me as they looked into the box.

Reaching in, Sam pulled out a small bottle which appeared to be filled with some kind of dirt. "I'd be willing to bet that's graveyard dirt. And a black cat bone." he gestured to the bone in the box.

Dean shook his head. "That's serious spell work. I mean, that's deep south hoodoo stuff."

"Used to summon a demon." Sam added.

"Not just any demon." I closed the box. "Crossroad demons make deals with people. People come here, summon the thing, and then offer their soul up in exchange for whatever they want." I stood up with a sigh. "Guys, they're not seeing any big, black dog. They're seeing hellhounds."

Dean nodded as he stood as well. "Looks like whoever this demon is, it's back and it's collecting. And that doctor lady, wherever she's running, she ain't running fast enough."

"So it's just like the Robert Johnson legend, right? Selling your soul at the crossroads kind of deal?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, except that wasn't a legend. You know his music." Dean shrugged as we moved towards the car again. But Sam looked a little unsure. "You don't know Robert Johnson's songs? Sam, there's occult references all over his lyrics. I mean, Cross Road Blues, Me and the Devil Blues, Hell Hound on My Trail?"

I nodded, placing myself on the hood on the Impala. "Didn’t he die choking on his own blood? Wasn’t he was hallucinating and muttering about big, evil dogs?"

Dean looked from me, to Sam and then back to me. "How do you know this and he doesn't? How did you even know so much about crossroads in the first place?"

I looked away from him then. "I've been around for a while now, Dean. I know some stuff." I shrugged. Truth be told, I knew a little too much about crossroad demons. But don't worry, I'd never made a deal myself.

"So, now it's all happening again. The deals." Sam noted, getting back on track. We gotta find out if anyone else struck any bargains here."

"Great. So we gotta clean up these people's mess for them?" Dean didn't sound too enthused by that idea. "I mean, they're not exactly squeaky clean. Nobody put a gun to their head and forced them to play Let's Make a Deal."

"So, what?" Sam shook his head. "We just leave them?"

"Somebody goes over Niagara in a barrel you gonna jump in and try to same them?"

"Dean." Sam looked at his brother shocked.

Sliding off the Impala I stood next to the brothers. "We're doing this." they both looked to me then, surprised.

"You wanna save the people who willingly sold their souls to demons?" Dean shook his head. "I thought for sure you'd be on my side."

"I care about the people they're leaving behind." was all I was willing to say before I moved back to the Impala and got into the back seat, falling silent.

"Fine." Dean sighed. "Rituals like this, you gotta put your own photo into the mix, right? So, this guy probably summoned the thing." he showed Sam and photo he was holding. "I'll go see if anyone inside knows him. If he's still alive." he shrugged before walking off towards the bar.

As Dean walked off Sam came over to my window, leaning in as he looked to me with concern in his eyes. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, Sam. I just wanna get this job over and done with." I answered, hoping he wouldn't ask any questions or see through my lies.

"Lizzie, you seem to be taking this personally... Is there something-"

Before he could finish, I cut him off. "Sam, I said I'm fine."

Taking the hint, he nodded and backed away, leaving me to drown in my memories alone.

SPOV

Once Dean had gotten the information we needed, the three of us set off to try and find one of the people who could have made a deal with a demon. Lizzie hadn't spoken a word since she'd snapped at me. Dean hadn't paid much attention to it, but I could tell her felt the same me. There was clearly something going on with Lizzie, and it wasn't sitting right with us.

She'd suddenly started to act a little defensive. It was as if this case was now personal.

"What's the guys' name again?" I asked as we headed into an apartment building.

"George Darrow. Apparently quite the regular at Lloyd's." Dean answered as he took in to old, run down looking apartment building's interior. "His house probably ain't up next on MTW Cribs, is it?"

"Yeah." I nodded. The place looked like it was on the verge of collapsing. "So, whatever kind of deal he made..."

"It wasn't for cash." Dean finished.

"There's more to life than money." Lizzie snapped as she pushed past us and headed up the stairs.

"You know what's gotten into her?" Dean asked as we stayed back.

I just shook my head. "No clue."

Bamby

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[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10th November 2019

I think I should give an update on what I’m listening to as I don’t often do that on this show. Hold on, let’s check my last.fm... oh, yeah, 300 scrobbles for Weezer – in the past week. I really have hit rock bottom.

Top 10

For what should be the sixth consecutive week now, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is at #1, and somehow that’s the only thing staying stable amongst all the chaos as while I’d like to think this was a relaxed week where it cleared out everything from the JESUS IS KING album bomb and left only the remnants of that busy week, it really wasn’t, and instead was a full-on avalanche by its own accord.

The first most obvious example of that is “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa, debuting at #2, and that’s pretty much the only example of this week’s generally manic appearance in the top 10, as the huge comeback single becomes Dua Lipa’s 12th UK Top 40 hit and her seventh top 10 hit, her first top 10 since “Electricity” with Silk City peaked at #4 in 2018. I’ll be speaking more in depth about that song later.

Otherwise, we don’t have much interest in this first ten songs. “Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean (By technicality) is down one spot to number-three.

Unfortunately, this has opened up possibilities for Ed Sheeran and “South of the Border” featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B up a space to number-four.

Also down one space is “Circles” by Post Malone, surprisingly, at number-five, as I saw this as possibly making a run for #1 but that doesn’t seem as likely with the monster that “Dance Monkey” is.

“Lose You to Love Me” by Selena Gomez is down three spaces off of the debut to number-six, as I expected.

Staying steady at number-seven is “Good as Hell” by Lizzo featuring Ariana Grande.

Also still at number-eight is “Memories” by Maroon 5.

Now we have two one-space fallers at the tail-end of the top 10, first of all “Bruises” by Lewis Capaldi at number-nine. I don’t even know how this is still here.

Secondly, and finally to round off the top 10, “Outnumbered” by Dermot Kennedy at #10.

Climbers

There aren’t many climbers here at all but the only two notable climbers are in the top 20 and look like foreshadowing of hits to come, so that’s notable in itself, although very unfortunate as despite me being relatively ambivalent on the pretty decent “This is Real” by Jax Jones featuring Ella Henderson moving up 11 spaces to #19, I am immensely displeased about “hot girl bummer” by blackbear peaking higher than the original “Hot Girl Summer” as it reaches the top 20 at #18 after a seven-space boost, as if this hack needed any more attention put on him.

Edit: I forgot about Niall Horan’s “Nice to Meet Ya” up eight spots to #26 this week, which I’m happy about since it’s a great song and I’d love to see it find its way into the top 10.

Fallers

There aren’t actually as many fallers this week, or at least less than I expected, but there’s still a couple notable fallers to talk about here, such as “Follow God” by Kanye West down nine spaces to #15 off of the debut at #6 last week, as well as other losses for most of the debuts from last week (Well, those that are still on the chart), those being “Floss” by AJ Tracey featuring MoStack and Not3s down five to #27, “Orphans” by Coldplay down five to #32 and “Look at Her Now” by Selena Gomez down 13 to #39. Also losing out on five spaces this week at #33 is “Take Me Back to London”, a former #1, by Ed Sheeran and Stormzy, and remixed by Sir Spyro featuring Aitch and Jaykae.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

We actually do have a re-entry this week and it’s “Graveyard” by Halsey back at #40, meaning we have eight drop-outs, most of those being established smash hits finishing up their run, those being “Sorry” by Joel Corry featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley May from #32, “Ladbroke Grove” by AJ Tracey out from #35, “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello out from #36, “Taste (Make it Shake)” by Aitch from #37, “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike from #38 and “Don’t Call Me Angel (Charlie’s Angels)” by Ariana Grande featuring Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey from #39, as well as, of course, Kanye West’s two hits from JESUS IS KING that debuted last week, “Selah” featuring uncredited vocals from Sunday Service, Ant Clemons and Bongo ByTheWay out from #19 and “Closed on Sunday” with A$AP Bari out from #20.

ALBUM BOMB: Krept & Konan – Revenge is Sweet

On the 1st of November this year, British trap duo Krept & Konan released their sophomore album Revenge is Sweet and it peaked at #5 on the albums chart. I haven’t listened to it because I personally don’t care much for the two rappers, but they are big enough to land two hits in the top 40, one of which was released as a single prior to the album but both bearing high-profile features, so I’ll have to talk about them.

#28 – “G Love” – Krept & Konan featuring Wizkid

Produced by P2J

First of all, I obviously do not have as much to say about Krept & Konan than I do about Kanye, so this will be a shorter episode in comparison to last week with JESUS IS KING since there’s a lot less to unpack and I have a lot less passionate opinions about the duo (Which, considering how disappointed I was with that album, is probably not a bad thing). This is pre-release single, “G Love”, Krept & Konan’s fourth UK Top 40 hit, and it features Nigerian singer Wizkid, who makes his second ever appearance on the chart. For what it’s worth, I actually very much enjoy Wizkid whenever he appears, usually bubbling under the top 40 with songs featuring Drake and Skepta, as he has a lot of charisma; honestly, I’m surprised this is his only his second appearance on the chart, and his first since “One Dance”, a Drake song featuring him and Kyla hit a record peak of #1 in 2016. It’s a pretty odd collaboration for Krept & Konan, but then again, Wizkid did a song with Skepta as well, so this could be good – and is it? Well, it isn’t a good first impression when the otherwise nice synths are clipping pretty badly but it doesn’t exactly create a bad vibe or atmosphere, and while Konan sounds half-dead on the hook, Wizkid’s high-pitched Auto-Tuned croon is pretty vibrant. Konan is equally dull on the verse, although admittedly both he and Krept have pretty funny opening lines, even if Krept is mostly talking about emojis for half of his verse (Not even kidding, apparently if you cross him, you’ll get emoji knives). I don’t really have an opinion about this song, to be honest, it’s a pretty generic Afroswing beat with some squeaky vocal samples, and Krept and Konan both sound like they did a one-take whilst high and left. There’s a weird empty space between the verses and chorus as well, it genuinely feels a bit janky at times (God, I haven’t used that word in ages). Wizkid doesn’t even have a verse, so this is pretty boring. Let’s hope the next song can redeem the duo...

#23 – “Tell Me” – Krept & Konan featuring D-Block Europe and Ling Hussle

Produced by Dabeatfreakz

Okay, so this is more in Krept & Konan’s wheelhouse and has honestly got me pretty excited because D-Block Europe are the funniest men in UK trap right now, and I don’t think they even realise it. Anyway, this is Krept & Konan’s fifth UK Top 40 hit, D-Block Europe’s sixth, and it’s actually also a pre-release single (Hell, this one’s got a video). If you’re wondering who Ling Hussle is, well, she’s actually an upcoming rapper and singer who hangs around these guys, seemingly, and hasn’t actually been able to crack a million views yet from what I can gather, so this really is kind of her breakout single and obviously her first to hit the UK Top 40. Can these five rappers make a cohesive posse cut? Well, of course not, it’s D-Block Europe, but they try, bless them. First of all, this really isn’t a Krept & Konan song, Konan is definitely there even if he’s drowned in Auto-Tune that makes him unrecognisable, but Krept has a really short verse, and Ling Hussle straight-up doesn’t, instead providing an admittedly pretty sultry hook with Young Adz, who somehow cannot handle the simple melody that Ling Hussle lays down and kills, having a stroke on the pretty bland piano-trap beat as he tends to do. Krept is also pretty pathetic here, with a hilarious falsetto that genuinely made me chuckle – although that was probably unintentional. The end of Krept’s janky verse is hilarious, with the beat just barely there, and it mostly being breathing sounds and one-syllable ad-libs while Krept barely gets words out, and it’s all drowned in Auto-Tune with so much weird empty space. It’s so bizarre, to the point where Young Adz’s obnoxious singing about wanting the woman to open her legs so he can “watch her pee” sounds pretty for-the-course. Genius annotators just gave up on Konan’s verse, and he and Dirtbike LB are easily the least interesting here, although Konan does spend much of his time making some strange, misguided metaphor for guns using Maggie Simpson. He probably has the best verse here, as it’s the only one that doesn’t completely collapse midway through. I can’t help but like this, though, because everything goes wrong at some point and no-one even attempts to fix it, much like all of D-Block Europe, who I’m starting to think are my favourite UK rap artists because they are so unashamedly awful that whilst most of their music is unlistenable, any deeper analysis forms a new genre I like to call Post-Cubist era trap-rap.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “Opp Thot” – Poundz

Produced by HARGO

“I could never wife your opp-thot. Give me that neck, come bop-bop. I just want to jeet and skeet, don’t use no teeth, girl, give me that slop-top.” How poetic. It’s a viral song from Poundz, and hence his first UK Top 40 hit, and I have such little expectations that this could be Nostalgia Critic’s version of The Wall and I’d praise it to hell and back as if it were by Floyd. Seriously though, this isn’t actually that bad. Lyrical density isn’t there but I didn’t expect it to be, and the mixing on the version that is used for Spotify adverts might actually be better as the hi-hat is too centred with Poundz’s multi-tracked and kind of hurts my ears actually. There are actually some cool lines here, and punchlines that make me understand the viral success, like when he kicks someone “out like Brexit”, the loveable way in how he says he’ll shoot you (“Man get hit with the ostrich bird”), how he makes people run away from him “like Scooby”, and a couple of other funny pop culture references about Tetris, Snapchat and... getting your enemy sprayed like Fireman Sam. Yeah, that line won me over, because the beat is just a menacing piano line with some skittering trap beat behind it and honestly nothing all too special. It isn’t that bad though, there is some talent here.

#35 – “Break Up (Bye Bye)” – Cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK

Produced by Leland and Frederick William Scott

Features uncredited vocals from Jade Thirlwall

...Huh? Okay, so I knew of the new British edition of RuPaul’s Drag Race (Graham Norton’s a legend) but I actually have no idea how the “drag race” works. I know what drag queens are and do (If “drag queens” is the right term), but I don’t know the format of the show at all – although I know the American edition has probably been around for decades at this point. The people on the American show do release promo singles but they don’t ever get close to charting anywhere so I usually don’t have to worry about any of this, but I am a complete outsider to whatever fanbase this has, and that seems to be a sizeable portion of people since this did chart. So, I did some vague research and found out that this was written by MNEK, who you should know from “Never Forget You” and several other hit singles, for the fifth episode of the show, and is credited under the name “Frock Destroyers”. Classy. Listen, this is the cast’s first UK Top 40 hit, and I do not understand the show, I’m just going to make this clear because I won’t understand the song either (In fact, there are two songs and they have the same name but one of them is by “Filth Harmony” so I’m even more confused). Anyway, about the song: the horns sound really cheap and gross, as do the hi-hats and the awfully-mixed instrumentation in general, so much so that I’m actually distracted by the very questionable lyrics, mostly because of the awful bass mastering that isn’t only clipping but it just doesn’t have any impact in the drop. It’s not like the chorus is anthemic as it’s supposed to be either, because it just feels so rushed and random. The female lead vocal is delivered by Jade Thirlwall of Little Mix so it’s not like it isn’t a good performance, but it is so inconsistently mixed in comparison to what I’m assuming are the drag contestants, who are so much louder than everything, especially the second verse. It’s pretty catchy, admittedly, but this really is a bit of a trainwreck production-wise. I guess I’ve officially been frock-destroyed. Whatever that means.

Edit: I listened to the other version and it might actually be worse lol

#31 – “Kiss and Tell” – AJ Tracey and Skepta

Produced by Skepta

More UK trap? Okay, well, it was actually a pretty big week for the genre as AJ Tracey and Skepta are also here with their eighth and 15th UK Top 40 hit respectively, “Kiss and Tell”. AJ Tracey had a song debut last week which was okay and I’m generally indifferent towards the guy although his debut album was pretty lacklustre, and I’ve always been a Skepta fan, so in a way I’m excited to hear but I am worried that it could be pretty dull as well, considering AJ Tracey’s got top billing... but it is Skepta-produced and I haven’t heard many bad beats from the man, and this one is definitely very cute, with the twinkling synth melody and otherwise typical trap beat and 808s, as well as a haunting vocal loop. Honestly, everyone kills it here. Sure, “kiss and tell” doesn’t rhyme with “Astroworld”, but AJ Tracey’s flow in the first verse is insane, with some really great lines, especially the hilarious closing line about... something falling off a chair, let’s just say that. Seriously, this is probably AJ Tracey’s best ever verse, it’s rapid and slick, and works especially with his voice. Skepta also delivers a slightly slower verse here, but his flow is janky at times, and takes awkward pauses despite moments where he really kills it – in fact this verse parallels most of his discography. Skepta can be awkward and inconsistent but when he really kills it, I’m amazed, and he does impress me with his flow here sometimes, but AJ really shines on this song. I didn’t have much to say about that one, but it’s actually pretty great. I hope this isn’t a fluke, because if this is how AJ is coming in on his second album, it could be one of my favourite hip-hop albums of next year. We’ll see, but for now this is great.

#30 – “Thumb” – M Huncho and Nafe Smallz

Produced by Quincy

While these names may seem alien to you, they’ve actually charted before. Nafe Smallz and M Huncho both appeared with Gunna on the Plug’s “Broken Homes”, a song I wish I enjoyed more than I did, and Nafe also appeared on a pretty awful Skepta single called “Greaze Mode” (Probably a candidate for, if not, his worst song), so this is their second and third UK Top 40 hit respectively. The BBC refused to give it any cover art on their page, so I guess that could mean anything... but it most likely means that this is garbage, because this really is some awful, unforgivable dreck. First of all, let’s talk about the lyrics and structure for a bit. There are two renditions of the chorus, they’re both exactly the same, over-long two-part hooks delivered by M Huncho. There is one verse in the middle and it is entirely a trade-off between the two rappers, with Nafe Smallz being considerably more sexist and disgusting in his verse where he delivers a frankly terrible Young Thug impression. I understand that rap music has a lot of misogyny and disrespect towards women, hell, I have to acknowledge that as someone who just praised a song called “Opp Thot”, but at least have some attempt in hiding your lack of respect or sympathy for women, or being somewhat respectful in how you say everything, or at least funny in how over-the-top you’re being, perhaps. What Nafe Smallz says about the “slut” and “thot” that he doesn’t actually make effort to have sex with and just watches whilst smoking is frankly really revolting and upsetting, especially because it got into the UK Top 40 which really should say something about us as a music-listening public, that we let this get so high. Nafe Smallz’s meek, high-pitched, nasal voice is aggravating, so much so that M Huncho’s unintelligible murmuring in the intro might actually sound better. The beat has some infuriating bass mastering as most cheap UK rap does, and overall it sounds pretty type beat. M Huncho doesn’t necessarily sound bad here, but his Auto-Tuned flow does very little to change and makes the three-minute runtime feel exhausting. Admittedly, some of Nafe Smallz’s inflections sound pretty, and M Huncho’s stammering is lazy, evening the awfulness out between the two rappers out pretty well. Also, was there really any need for the whole theme of the song being about putting thumbs in... female posteriors? The outro is literally just “put my thumb up in her butt” repeated on loop. Yeah, no, I don’t like this. Next.

#2 – “Don’t Start Now” – Dua Lipa

Produced by Ian Kirkpatrick – Peaked at #30 in the US

This is the massive debut this week from pop singer Dua Lipa, one of my favourites voices in pop music right now actually, and someone who has grown on me immensely in the past year, although some of the songwriting still isn’t as strong as it should be and she still has a tendency to slip into the background of her own production. I’m hoping for that to change with her sophomore album, and this is (Probably – “Swan Song” still exists) the lead single off of that record. The cover art is going for a vaguely late-90s early 2000s look, and I’ve heard this is a more straight-forward dance-pop tune, so I’m hyped to listen to this... and yeah, as I expected, this is pretty great. Initially, I wasn’t actually impressed with the flavourless piano intro, but as soon as it kicked into full gear I knew the hype around this was worth it, because that bassline is INCREDIBLE. As someone who has recently found a lot of love for house music, this bassline is one of the best I’ve heard from the genre, and this is very much house, almost like French house to some extent, but also very nu-disco, meaning the cover art is very fitting for the era that both it and the song are attempting to replicate. Dua Lipa sounds great as she always does, going into her higher register with rhythmic, multi-tracked, almost-rapping cadences in the verse, but taking a sudden shift to a sweet diva vocal in the pre-chorus, which is beautiful, as the pianos sound good on their own, but the squealing synth comes in at the perfect time along with the hi-hats, the song is just so intricately structured... then we get the drop, which is just great, as well go back to the minimalist house beat where Dua Lipa aggressively tells off this ex who has just started putting any effort into the relationship after it ended, with sassy inflections and... random sound effects, which I’m not complaining about. The slick, disco guitar and groove in the second verse accentuates Dua’s lyrics detailing how he tried to break up with her, almost implying a manipulative or toxic relationship. The second drop is somehow more impressive than the first, with a stuttering “Don’t” hinting at the drop prior and some sampled cheering that, much like the cowbell, is a random sound effect, but adds more punch to the chorus. Once the post-chorus hit, I had to take a break from writing and genuinely calm down, I was really overwhelmed with everything happening, yet it doesn’t feel cluttered because everything comes in at the right time, sometimes when you don’t even expect it to, and the mixing is great, far from over-produced even as while it’s pure pop with a lot of manufacturing, it feels a lot more organic especially with the post-chorus, which is just gorgeous. I don’t want to even spoil it for you or myself anymore, so I think I’ll actually leave it at that. My commentary will just cheapen how brilliant this song’s climax, is, really. This is an amazing record and one of, if not my favourite song from Dua Lipa. I hope this has as much success in the US because if this doesn’t get on one of my year-end best lists for 2019 or 2020, I will be severely disappointed.

Conclusion

Well, it should be obvious, right? The Best and Worst of the Week go out pretty easily, Dua Lipa getting the Best of the Week for “Don’t Start Now”, and M Huncho and Nafe Smallz getting Worst of the Week for “Thumb” which is just gross. Honourable Mention is obviously going to AJ Tracey and Skepta for “Kiss and Tell” although Dishonourable Mention is a bit harder. I think I can’t go with the Drag Race because that would be unfair – it’s a bad song, sure, but if I understood the show more, maybe I’d see the appeal. I don’t want to step on too many toes, either. “G Love” is unremarkable, as is “Opp Thot”, so I’ll probably go with “Tell Me” by Krept & Konan featuring D-Block Europe and Ling Hussle. I hope you enjoyed reading, I’m off to listen to Pinkerton again probably, and I’ll see you next week, hopefully it’s not as busy.

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #163 - The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: It’s a guilty pleasure.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: Blu-ray

1) This is (or was, not so sure after this viewing) a quintessential guilty pleasure movie for me. I’m a sucker for crossovers and old monsters, so even though this team isn’t EXCLUSIVELY monsters the presence of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, a why-is-she-a-vampire? Mina Harker, a not-Griffin Invisible Man, and Dorian Grey make the film as much of a guilty pleasure as Van Helsing for me. That’d make for a good guilty pleasure double feature.

2) I get this dude has never seen a tank before, but how stupid can he be?

3) I have a feeling Germany would not actually say this verbatim in a situation like this.

4) So I absolutely love the idea of taking The Phantom of the Opera and making him into the big bad technical war-mongering genius the League has to fight in this film. I love the idea, but I feel the execution is a little sloppy. Combining The Phantom’s with James Moriarty utterly takes away any sympathy we have for the character. In Gaston Leorux’s original novel, The Phantom was a figure of tragedy and heartache. I would’ve loved to see more of that side of him, to understand why The Phantom wants to start a World War and what that pain means for him. But instead we get sort of the cliché, “bad guy wants to start war to get rich,” scheme which may be very much in the vein of Moriarty but not in the vein of the Phantom of the Opera.

5) Sean Connery as...

According to IMDb:

Sean Connery was offered roles in The Matrix (1999) and The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), but said he didn't understand the scripts. So when offered another screenplay he didn't quite get, (LEG) he took it.

Connery hated working on this film. Absolutely hated it. There were constant production delays and he clashed frequently with director Stephen Norrington (who also hated working on the film, mainly from studio pressures). Connery has retired from acting pretty much because of this film. It was this film which convinced him that he’d fallen out of love with modern filmmaking. In the 14 years since LXG’s release Connery has only had two other acting roles: voicing James Bond in a video game version of From Russia with Love and as the titular character in the poorly received animated film Sir Billi.

Among the many liberties the film takes with the source material, it removes a lot of Quatermaine’s flaws. Yes the pain of losing his son is a nice source of conflict for the character, but this dude was messed up in the original story. His primary character flaw being his addiction to opium, but Connery refused to play an opium addict. The decision to remove this sort of defining flaw makes Connery’s portrayal of the character sort of a generic action hero, at least that’s how I feel. He’s pretty much playing Sean Connery, for better or worse. He never does anything totally unexpected or unique (again, in my opinion) and that hurts the film I think. Connery’s fine in the part. Again, he’s pretty much playing himself. It’s not worthy of a Razzie or anything. But it’s just...fine.

6) There are some really awful bits of dialogue in this film, not helped by exceptionally wooden delivery on some occasion.

Sanderson Reed [as a shootout begins]: “They’re indestructible!”

Allan: “No, just armor plated.”

7) One of the most interesting aspects of Quatermaine is his skills as a hunter and later his sharing of those skills with Tom Sawyer (more on that later). It is a side to him I wish we could’ve seen more of. Patient, steady, able to get off one good shot instead of a dozen fine ones.

(GIFs originally posted by @mercisnm)

8) There are so many random name drops and references in this film which are just done to remind you you’re in a world of fictional characters. Some of them work, but some of them feel REALLY awkward.

Allan [after Reed says he made good time to London]: “Not as good as Phileas Fogg. Around the world in 80 days? Ha!”

So basically you referenced something and then thought the audience was too stupid to get the reference and just said the name of the book. Great.

9) Richard Roxburgh as M/The Phantom/Moriarty

This film is FILLED with talented character actors and Roxburgh is one of them. In fact, he’s one of the finest character actors around. With notable roles in Van Helsing, Moulin Rouge, and the lead role in “Rake” (Australian TV show), Roxburgh is able to play a wide array of interesting characters. While this film may lack in some plot and structure, there are a number of performances which I find extraordinary (no pun intended). Roxburgh is able to play the calm and collected gentlemen M, the mad warlord The Phantom, and the conniving scoundrel James Moriarty all in the same character. Three different opportunities shown in one character, all of which done totally and excellently. If only the script would support these opportunities and differences better.

10) In continuing the theme of fine (fine as in exquisite, not fine as in “it’s just fine”) character actors in the movie: Naseeruddin Shah as...

(GIF originally posted by @barbara-stanwyck)

Hey would you look at that: an actual Indian actor playing a character who was originally written as Indian in a major Hollywood film from 14 years ago! What a concept!

Shah is another actor who is pretty damn great in the role he plays, if only the script would have supported it more. He is able to portray Nemo’s authority and skill in presence alone. When Captain Nemo enters the room you KNOW he’s someone you don’t want to mess with. He is powerful, reserved, but also able to convey Nemo’s pain when necessary. Honestly for all this films problems there are some members of the cast who I just truly love, and Shah as Nemo is one of them.

11) Another member of the cast I think just freaking nails it is Tony Curran as Rodney Skinner/An Invisible Man (not THE Invisible Man, but more on that later).

According to IMDb:

20th Century Fox was unable to get the rights for the literary character of The Invisible Man, created by H.G. Wells. Not only did this necessitate the character in the film have his name changed from the book's "Griffin", but that he could never be referred to as "the" Invisible Man, only "an" invisible man.

Honestly the change works much better than you might think as Skinner is one of the most likable characters in the film. Curran is able to make his charismatic, devilish, witty, and entertaining for someone who is typically never seen. Unfortunately he sorta disappears around the middle (and the film is worse for it), but Curran is another talented character actor who does an excellent job in the film.

12) Peta Wilson as Mina Harker.

So...Mina...I don’t really know where to start with Mina. She’s the leader of the League in the original graphic novel, not Alan Quartermaine. She also is NOT a vampire, is dealing with trauma over her encounter with Dracula, and is seen to be a bisexual suffragist (or at least, Alan Moore’s understanding of what that is). A lot of that is lost in the film, and while her vampirism does lead to some badass moments Mina’s motivations are...I’m not sure, actually. I would assume she wants to stop the spread of evil throughout the world to prevent another Dracula, but she has some weird past romance with Dorian Gray and gets sassy with Allan when he acts sexist and...that’s it? Wilson is another strong character actor in the film, but I feel the script supports her even less than it supports say Captain Nemo and Skinner. I’m actually not sure what else to say about Mina.

13) Why does Sean Connery play so many sexist characters?

Connery [to Mina]: “I’ve had women along on past exploits and found them at best a distraction.

Maybe if you didn’t objectify them and trusted their competence you wouldn’t be so distracted.

14) So if you pay attention, right before The League visits Dorian Gray there are newspapers plastered up on the wall of a building talking about Mars (pretty much the words “Mars” is really big). This is in reference to the second volume of the comic book which dealt with The League fighting off HG Welles’ aliens from War of the Worlds. I like that volume more than the first personally, but like a lot (if not all) of Alan Moore’s work it can be problematic. Anyway, moving on.

15) Dorian Gray.

Unfortunately I feel like Stuart Townsend is one of the weakest actors in the film as Dorian, but that could also be attributed to Stephen Norrington’s direction (theoretically, it’s not like I was on set or anything). He’s kind of overact-y, portraying Dorian’s self assuredness and vanity in a way which kind of makes him a prick. Another character not originally in the novel, I don’t think the film necessarily needed Dorian Gray. Although he does have one of my favorite lines in the film.

Bad guy [after he shoots up Dorian to no effect]]: “What are you?”

Dorian: “I’m complicated.”

16) Tom Sawyer.

Tom Sawyer is pretty much Tom Sawyer in name alone. He has little-to-nothing in common with Mark Twain’s original character, being a secret service agent instead of a devious little trickster who’s always getting out of work. The studio asked for him to be included as they felt the movie needed an American character to be interesting to stateside audiences. Since he’s not in the original work and he’s not really Tom Sawyer, he ends up being kind of another generic action trope. A shoot-em-up rookie who learns from the more experienced Quatermaine and that’s it. They cut a line which explains that Tom is so desperate to get The Phantom/M/Moriarty because he killed his partner (one Huck Finn) but that’s literally his only unique motivating character factor. And it got cut. It’s done and gone. So we’re just left with...this. Shane West is OK in the film, but the script doesn’t give him much to do in the first place.

17) I’m disappointed with the design of the Nautilus.

Nemo calls it, “The sword of the ocean,” and I’m just wondering if they couldn’t have let that be a bit more metaphorical instead of looking like a giant sword.

18) At one point Mina does an impression of Allan/Sean Connery. According to IMDb:

According to Wilson, this was a last-minute addition to the scene, and she felt nervous doing it, since Connery impersonations were considered a no-no on the set. Before the shoot she called Connery and offered not to do the accent, but he insisted she should. Afterwards, she asked him what he thought. He replied, "You were great!" She was taken aback and asked if he really meant it. He said, "Yeah, it's terrible! It's the worst impersonation I have ever heard, and it's perfect."

19) Jason Flemyng as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.

Jason Flemyng is another one of my favorite character actors - having notable post-LXG roles in X-Men First Class and 2010′s Clash of the Titans - and may tie with Tony Curran as my favorite actor in this film. Flemyng is able to capture both Jekyll and Hyde very well, making them unique in and of themselves. I have to remind myself that they’re the same actor considering the heavy amount of makeup Flemyng is put into for Hyde. But he brings a wonderful physicality to the part which I think is just spectacular. Unfortunately - again - the script does very little to support his performance and the actor gets a little lost in the middle. A great performance even if I wish it were better written.

20) Gathering the League feels totally inorganic, unfortunately. Literally the first half of the film is, “let’s get him and let’s get him and let’s get him,” without actually contributing to the overall plot with The Phantom and the impending World War. It is very telling of the film’s biggest problem and that is the one it has with structure and pacing. Everything feels very messy, with not much thought put into why some scenes exist or play out the way they do. Which is unfortunate again because you have a mostly-stellar cast who are already pretty damn good with a crummy script. Imagine what they could do with a better one.

21) Allan teaching Tom how to shoot maybe my favorite part of the film. It not only connects to Allan’s own internal conflict with the loss of his son but it also taught me - at 13 years old - how important patience can be. Just breathe and take your time. It’s better to get off one perfect shot than a dozen shitty ones.

22) So in the course of about ten minutes it is established that both Tom and Jekyll are into Mina even though nothing from before gives them reason to be and they never once revisit it after. Remember how I said this film had some structural issues? Well it has some developmental issues too.

23) This film is an hour and fifty minutes. It takes them fifty-five minutes to get to Venice - where they’ve been trying to get to the whole time - and then the bomb goes off right away (literally) and they have to stop it. The plot is literally: assemble the league, go to Venice, get to Venice and stop the disaster. Nothing in between. Again: this film has some major structural issues.

24)

Jekyll [after he’s asked to bring Hyde out]: “No! Hyde will never use me again.”

Dorian: “Then what good are you?”

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

Seriously, why did they bring Jekyll around? Did they only need Hyde? And if so, for what? I know M wants the serum for Hyde but what about the rest of them? What convinced them to bring Hyde along and then be okay with him not doing anything on their big mission?

25) Another example of an extremely wooden delivery. This line hurts my soul every time, although in fairness Dorian himself is supposed to be faking it.

Dorian: “Damn Skinner! He must’ve told them we were coming!”

It hurts my ears, that line. I hate it. So much.

26) I have so many questions about the car chase through Venice. How does Tom know to drive a car? Why is the car designed like it’s American with the wheel on the left? How can Nemo track the car’s “frequency”? Who does the car have a frequency, it is never seen using the radio? I’m so confused.

27) This is the weirdest James Bond movie ever.

Allan: “Vampire lady has us covered.”

28) The scene where Alan faces off with The Phantom in the Venice graveyard is close to interesting. If The Phantom were more developed as an individual and it took its time to peek into Alan’s internal conflict, it could’ve been an excellent character moment.

29)

M [revealing his entire plan via a record]: “It was a ruse to get me closer to my goal.”

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

So M wanted the technology to the Nautilus, Hyde’s serum, Mina’s vampirism, and Griffin’s invisibility. And here’s how that plan worked: rob an English bank disguised as Germans, kidnap German scientists disguised as the English, try to convince Quatermaine to join a fake League I made up, try to kill Quatermaine to show him the danger is real, send the League I have already to get Dorian who is a traitor in their midst, try to kill them all with Dorian to convince them the danger is real, have Dorian steal what I need from everyone, blow up Venice, have Dorian escape.

(GIF originally posted by @dailydctv)

If you already had Dorian and an army of minions at your service, couldn’t you have sent them to get what you need from everyone? Wouldn’t that have been easier and less expensive? I’m just...I think I need to move on.

30) The best part of the sinking Nautilus is Jason Flemyng really gets to shine as Hyde. Except it makes no sense that Hyde suddenly doesn’t want to betray and murder everyone for his own personal gain but actually wants to work with the team. There was absolutely nothing to change that character motivation. At all.

31) 

Quatermaine [after the Nautilus is trashed, about pursuing Dorian]: “We were the faster, but now we’re the tortoise to his hare.”

Except the tortoise won that race. Did you not understand the point of the story?

32) And then a random white tiger shows up, stares at Quatermaine, and leaves.

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

I know it’s supposed to tie into how Allan feels his an old tiger sensing the end but it’s also just totally random. And like, did you need an actual tiger? There’s no subtly to that. At all. You’re just taking the metaphor literally and not trusting the intelligence of the audience. I just...gah.

33)

Skinner [after slapping Mina’s as while invisible]: “I’ve been waiting all week to do that.”

To sexually harass her? Well, you’re still not as awful as how Alan Moore wrote The Invisible Man in the story.

34) Like all the set pieces in this film, the climax is poorly paced and sort of dull. You keep cutting between Hyde and Nemo fighting a weird Hyde clone (which, btw, is not how the serum works in the original novel; it’s not Hulk juice), Mina fighting Dorian in a bedroom because she claims, “You broke my heart once,” (really?) Allan and Sawyer chasing down M who is revealed to be Sherlock Holmes’ Moriarty, and Skinner just being somewhere and then getting burned. It’s just...meh.

35) Also should looking at the painting kill Dorian? Is that how it worked in the original novel? I thought if you stabbed the painting it killed him or something.

36) In an actually somewhat developed part of the film, Sawyer shoots Moriarty remembering Allan’s teachings about patience.

37) And then Alan dies, but not really because they wanted to do a sequel and totally set up him coming back from the dead. Too bad this killed the potential of a franchise.

This film was a lot less enjoyable as an adult than it was when I was in high school, but I’m also analyzing it for the (Re)Watch. Yes the story is a muddled mess with underdeveloped characters and concepts which just really don’t make any sense. Yes Sean Connery is sort of just showing up. BUT it’s largely well acted and come one! It’s a film where Tom Sawyer shoots James Moriarty in the back after being taught by Allan Quatermaine how to do it. I’m a sucker for crossovers so this is still a total guilty pleasure. Don’t watch it if you’re not interested, because it’s pretty crummy. But it might be enjoyable for the individual who’s interested in these kind of stories.

[iampaulywalnuts]

Casting “Obstruction”, the Inevitable HBO Original Film on All This Shit

Perhaps it’s because reality has felt very much like a prestige drama recently that I have started wondering “who’s going to play these guys in the HBO version of these guys?” 

Methodology: VERY SCIENTIFIC!

First I chose who I believe are the ten most important players in the real life obstruction, between the time Trump won the election and his future indictments.

It was tempting to try to capture the whole 2016 election, and other GOP cowards, but then we’d be here all day, and the New York Times already did that sort of. So no Bannon. No Stephen Miller. No Jaime Foxx...I mean Ben Carson. I also didn’t include Sean Spicer or Sarah Sanders, because they might as well not even be there they know so little. 

I tried to select from actors that I knew offhand, but when that well dried up after about three minutes, I reached out to some trusted friends, Wikipedia, etc. I asked myself:

1) Does it look like their real life counterpart?

2) Could they pull off the role as a lead? 

So let’s get started! ACTION!

Group 1: The Obstructed

1) James Comey

The now former FBI director, once hated by every liberal in America, now holding the torch to guide America out of the darkness I guess. Election manipulating dickhead. 

Bryan Cranston

Rationale: Originally I was overthinking the height issue; for a while all I could come up with was Adrien Brody and I thought for a second “now I’ll never make it as a casting director”. Cranston is a boring selection but it’s the right one to play the careful, calculated Comey. Make him seem taller like in the other one. Can’t go wrong.

2) Sally Yates

Former deputy US Attorney General. Holdover from the Obama administration who informed the Trump White House that Michael Flynn was compromised before being fired for, basically, being a competent woman. 

Amy Sedaris

Rationale: I really think I nailed this one. The first time and pretty sure only time I have ever seen Amy Sedaris was in that scene in Louis CK’s Horace and Pete, and I was totally blown away like everyone else. She was a light in the darkness of that miserable place.. When I think of Yates my mind goes to how she handled Ted Cruz like a 6th grader who thinks he knows shit in that Senate meeting. I get that same feeling! She’s unflappable, so obviously smarter than you, a light in the darkness! Plus, Yates and Sedaris could be sisters. Genius!

3) Preet Bharara

Former US Attorney for the Southern District of New York. Led investigations into Trump finances before being removed from his position by Trump. Revered by his peers and those who worked for him. We don’t hear as much about him but in a movie called “Obstruction” you can’t leave him out.

Erick Avari

Rationale: Surprise! I don’t know many Indian actors :(  I do recognize this guy from everywhere, however. Avari’s mostly in sci-fi films and television, although he’s also been in classics like The Mummy, Independence Day, Mr. Deeds, and whatever’s on TNT right now. This is the best I could do sorry Indian people don’t hate me!

Group Two: The Complicit Enablers

4) Paul Ryan 

Speaker of the House and Representative from Wisconsin. Backed a monster because he wanted to cut taxes and take health insurance away from poor people. Embarrassment to Pauls everywhere. 

Jeremy Renner

Rationale: The key to a good Paul Ryan performance is capturing his enthusiasm for allowing people to die. Paul Ryan smiles when he talks, not because he wants to give Americans “more choice” on health insurance, but because he knows if you support what he says you will die, and is excited by the prospect. Anyway, Renner’s pretty good and they kinda look the same. 

5) Mitch McConnell

Senator from Kentucky, majority leader. Everything that is wrong with politics. Currently awaiting his stay in hell. 

Tim Robbins

Rationale: Recreating the ugliness, on the inside and out, of Mitch McConnell, requires the combined craftsmanship of a master actor and make up team (perhaps enlisting the experts on Game of Thrones would be wise). I know this casting is unduly generous to Mitch McConnell. I can’t imagine a bigger gulf between how much I enjoy looking at two different men. But Robbins does have the height, and could nail McConnell’s gravelly, unfeeling Kentucky accent. And Robbins is the definition of PRESTIGE. 

GROUP 3: The Spy

6) Sergey Lavrov

Russian foreign minister and spy. Fooled Trump into giving away highly sensitive information and compromising intelligence partnerships. A shark swimming with really dumb fish.

Boris Lee Krutonog

Rationale: I reached out to my only Russian friend about this casting. You look at Krutonog and think “oh he’s the bad guy in that one movie” (side note: “that one movie” is always The Italian Job), which is ultimately all we’re going to need for this story. I’d probably know of more Russian actors if I watched The Americans --he’s in the The Americans--but there are way too many shows. If he can say nice things in English followed by mean things in Russian in front of whoever is playing Trump for a scene we’ll be ok! 

Group 4: The Criminals 

7) Michael Flynn

Retired General and former National Security Adviser. Winner of Russian medals. Failed to register as a foreign agent after taking money from the foreign governments. Chanter of “Lock Her Up”. Soon to be locked up. 

Christopher Waltz

Rationale: Waltz seems to always play eccentrics, and Flynn certainly would qualify in a conspiracy theory peddling Islamaphobe kind of way. We of course have seen Waltz in military attire in Inglorious Basterds, and Nazi-garb aside it suits him. The key moment for Flynn will be as he’s listening to his sentence read aloud,  staring into the void, finally discovering that he was the bad guy all long. Can’t wait!

8) Jeff Sessions

Middle name is Beauregard, yeah ok. Attorney General. Lied to Congress about connections to Russia. Recused himself from Russian investigation only to be interviewing new FBI directors weeks later. So much awfulness outside of this scandal but we have to press on.

Chris Cooper

Rationale: We know Chris Cooper from many of his films and performances, the most memorable to me in American Beauty as a bitter man stuck in his ways, afraid of the future as the world progresses around him. Jeff Sessions plays that role in his normal life every day, the only differences being he has terrifying power, and we don’t know he’s a closeted homosexual. He could be!

9) Jared Kushner 

Senior (lol) Adviser. Delegated by Trump to perform all duties of the presidency. Likely suggested and encouraged the firing of James Comey. Failed to disclose financial ties to Russia before entering White House. Proof that nothing matters.  

Paul Dano

Rationale: In Little Miss Sunshine, Paul Dano played a kid who couldn’t become a fighter pilot because he was colorblind, and so took a vow of silence for some reason I forget. Maybe Jared Kushner has taken a vow of silence, because as it’s been noted elsewhere, I don’t think we’ve ever heard him actually speak! Don’t even give Dano any lines. He can just occasionally throw on a pair of black Ray Bans and look dumb. 

10) Donald Trump 

CEO of Trump Steaks. Vessel of ignorance and hatred. President of the United States.

Hologram of Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Rationale: PSH was too talented to play someone as widely parodied as Trump, but as the scandal rages on, and reports come out of Trump summoning his communications staff and going off on epic tantrums I think he’d be perfect.

Hoffman also played a misogynistic, lying con artist in The Master; specifically a cult leader in the vein of L. Ron Hubbard. One of my favorite scenes is when he’s confronted by a persistent skeptic during a session with a wealthy patron. This is the first time in the movie Hoffman’s character, The Master, is questioned at length, and you can see him slowly losing composure before blowing up in an angry “PIG FUCK”. It’s an awesome scene and demonstrates why, among many other reasons, Hoffman would have made a great Trump. We have plenty of “TV Trump” impressions; the catchphrases, bloviating, etc. I would want an actor could tap into his boundless anger and fear as he slowly wilts under the pressure of his own incompetence and senility. Hoffman could bring a level of nuance to such a shallow figure.

Great job, everyone! Less than six months into Donald Trump’s presidency and we already have AT LEAST one HBO-ready prestige scandal, so for that let���s give ourselves a round of applause, America. Our ratings are going to be SICK...and so is everyone with a pre-existing condition! 

No one knows what the future will bring, but we’ll be watching. Not TV. HBO.