#not as far as ''can I call myself trans?'' matters

[rjalker]

Medical transitioning isn't required for being trans.

And neither is social transitioning.

They reasons for you not transitioning literally don't even matter.

Even if you're the only person you ever tell you're trans is yourself, you're trans enough.

Being trans isn't /about/ transitioning. It's being yourself, even if the only person you can be yourself with is /yourself/.

[koirankusema666]

Sit down and listen cuz I’m gonna be so real rn. This is gonna be a long one. It’s a serious topic but it’s positive I promise.

When I first made this account I was quite unfamiliar with the therian community on tumblr but so far it’s been more than welcoming. In fact, at first I thought maybe it was a bit too welcoming. You see I have never seen a community be so accepting of physical therians (holotheres, physical nonhumans and such) and at first I was a little alarmed because I myself have psychosis and sometimes have delusions that people misunderstand and I always thought I should treat other people’s delusions the same way people treat mine. That is, with disbelief and ridicule.

When I started reading about physical therians instead of being understanding and happy for them I got mad. I was livid. I took the acceptance and love of people like me as an attack and I thought people were invading my experiences as a delusional therian and I realized there was a whole new discussion on here that I haven’t heard of. I decided, maybe if I ignore that part of the community, everything would go back to the way it was before. Because I hated that all my life people have brushed my identity off as a thing to “fix” when all I wanted was… acceptance.

I was reminded of a person, though. Anna Lappalainen, the princess of Kellokoski mental hospital. No matter how much they tried to “fix” her, her delusion of being a princess never went away. And it got me thinking. Why is it that we want to erase mentally ill people’s voices and identities and brush these delusions off as things to “fix”?

Why can’t we just accept these identities as they are? Why do we have to tell people how they can and can’t identify? When you tell a physical therian they’re just a mentally ill human, do you really think you are in the position to say that? Did you really think you fixed something there? What, you think they’re just gonna stop?

There’s also something to be said about the human experience not being what it seems and our identities being more than but also encompassing our physical selves. If someone wants to physically identify as something, it’s not going to hurt you to respect that. Just like you wouldn’t go around calling trans men physically female men, you wouldn’t go calling physical nonhumans something they don’t want to be called.

I’m more than welcoming of physical nonhumans now. Because if I’m not, I would forever ignore a part of myself I need to address. And with that, I also want to come out as a shapeshifter. I know I can physically shapeshift, people say that to me all the time too, and it’s freeing to finally admit that. I’m not insane for this and I hope people will accept that. I’m valid, and so is everyone else with nonhuman/therian/otherkin identities, physical or not.

[creacherkeeper]

yall, its finally happening ... getting my tits shot off is simply so within my grasp 😭

i'm getting top surgery on january 8th 2024 and im so excited and so scared but im being so so brave about it

though i've tried saving the funds myself for years now, emergencies keep wiping them away, like vet bills, emergency moves, wage theft, a con artist roommate, you name it, its happened in the last two years. i never wanted to have to rely on crowdfunding for something so vital and important to me, but now that it's here im really calling on my community to help support me

top surgery is not only a dream come true as far as having a body i can finally call home, but also with living in one of the most conservative states in the bible belt as a trans, gay, autistic, disabled, jewish man, its a matter of safety as well. temperatures frequently reach 115f/46c in the summer here, and with some of my health problems, binding isnt always feasible in that kind of heat. but not binding also means i risk getting clocked, and i don't think i need to tell yall how bad that could go for me

i've really been scraping by on low wages for years as a social worker and now as a graduate teaching assistant. and the previously aforementioned vet bills, con artists, etc have just really squashed any hope i had for paying for this myself

it's not easy for me to ask for help, but it would genuinely mean the world if yall could share this around. i know this is the webbed site of unemployed disabled people and broke college students but every little bit helps

if not for me then please do it for my nanny, a 10 year old pit bull who simply loves to step directly on my tits and would really appreciate if i didnt weep and wail every time she did it

[ID: a photo of a tan pit bull wearing blue spaced-themed pajamas.]

godspeed little gay people in my phone and thank you!!

[wandering-mage]

Something important that I think allies really need to start doing to be good allies to the trans community is stop assuming anyone's gender.

Now that sounds easy, and I think most allies wouldn't blink at that statement, but I think in practice a lot of allies balk at what this actually means.

It's easy enough to say trans women are welcome in the women's restroom and that you are comfortable with that. But are you going to be comfortable with a trans woman with copious body hair and a full beard, and not dressing "traditionally feminine"? If so, why not? How is this different from a cis woman with these traits? (And if you are uncomfortable with that, why?) This person is a woman, regardless of their appearance. Either of these women should be treated with respect, and regardless of whether they are embracing the appearance or dysphoric about it.

Cis women (relatively speaking) are allowed to present more masculine and still be women. Whereas when trans women that want to do the same get accused of being fake, not trans, not trying hard enough etc. Non-binary people that don't meet some nebulous standard of androgyny get accused of wanting to be special, subsets of other genders, or not trying hard enough, if they don't have the idea of anyone being non-binary dismissed entirely. Trans men are often treated as invisible, and anything "feminine" is used to undernine their gender.

Not assuming people's genders means not looking at a person you know nothing about and deciding they are X gender, and picking what pronouns and other words to use for them. I may like when some stranger uses she/her for me or calls me ma'am, but the using either of those is a larger issue that needs to change. If you don't know someone's pronouns, use they/them. That means no assumptions. It doesn't matter how sure you think that random person you see is a cis man that uses he/him pronouns, unless you have had that communicated to you, you don't know (and a reminder, pronouns =/= gender, any gender could use any set(s) of pronouns).

I'm not sure how much I can stress how critically important all this can be for the safety of trans and gender non-conforming people. And I'm aware this isn't easy. It's a very ingrained social behavior, and trans people will struggle through this too. I have to keep reminding myself to not assume pronouns for people. It's going to be a messy process.

I know I'm far from the first to talk about this, but it needs to be talked about more and it was bouncing around my brain. I doubt everything I said here is perfect and possibly have left out some things.

(For context, I'm a binary trans woman.)

(Note: I'm aware there are situations where people have to make some assumptions for their own safety, such as women needing to be wary of people that look like how men are traditionally identified. I'm not talking about those situations, safety is important, and unfortunately all you can really go by is appearance in deciding how to respond there.)

[transmascissues]

I’ve been struggling for a long time (almost 5 years now) over whether or not I’m trans. At this point I’m think I might be, but I’m terrified of loosing all the stuff I love about womanhood. The friendships, the clothes, but mainly being able to call myself a lesbian.

I think I really need to confront my gender, but I don’t know if it’s worth loosing all of these things that mean the world to me, advice?

fun fact: you don’t have to lose any of those things to be trans!

your friendships don’t have to change. sure, if you get to a point where you pass as a guy / are seen as not-a-girl in some way, new people might treat you differently and approach friendship with you differently, but the friendships you already have won’t have to change at all. absolutely nothing about my friendships changed when i came out; there’s no way of being friends that’s exclusive to women. and if a friend does treat you differently just because you’re trans? that’s on them, and it honestly might be a sign that you’re better off without them anyway.

you can wear all the same clothes you do now. my wardrobe hasn’t changed at all since i came out. i’ve always chosen my clothes just based on what is most comfortable for me, so i’ve been perfectly happy keeping all of my old clothes. my body and the way other people see me were the things i felt the need to change, not my clothes. i might not have the most masculine wardrobe ever, but it’s what i’m comfortable in and that’s the important part. if anything, being trans just expanded my wardrobe instead of changing it — i kept wearing all the things i always liked, but i also started to look in the men’s section and found even more things that i like wearing.

and you don’t have to stop calling yourself a lesbian just because you’re trans. it’s one thing if being trans also means the label doesn’t feel like it fits anymore, but if it still feels right? you can keep using it as long as you like. nonbinary lesbians and transmasc lesbians and lesboys and trans men whose love for women still feels gay and people whose only remaining connection to womanhood is the fact that they’re lesbians and multigender people who are lesbians because of their womanhood while also being other genders and people whose genders are just butch or femme or dyke and nothing else all absolutely exist, as do trans guys who don’t personally call themselves lesbians anymore but remain part of the community because it still just feels like their home; you’d be far from the first person to transition while holding onto an identity that’s still meaningful to you, even if it sounds contradictory to other people.

i’ve gone through similar processes of trying to reconcile newly discovered parts of my identity with the parts i’d already accepted, and you’d be surprised how often the answer to the dilemma is just “i guess i’m both, unless/until i decide one of them doesn’t feel right anymore.” i don’t talk a lot about my specific identities on here but they’re full of so-called contradictions. the thing about queerness is that it’s never been about making our identities “make sense” or “sound right” to other people. queerness is automatically looked down on by most people as wrong or unnatural or confusing or just completely unintelligible, and the job of queer people is not to make them more intelligible but to embrace them despite the fact that most people think we’re ridiculous for doing so. the only person your identity has to feel right to is you; no one else matters.

any shift in identity is going to feel like a massive change when your old identity is one you lived in for a long time and grew attached to, but being a big change doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a loss. of course, if it feels right to let go of some of the old to make room for the new, do that, but never feel obligated to do so. if you aren’t ready to let go of something associated with your old identity yet, let those things stick around while you welcome the new stuff in and see how they get along. you aren’t on any kind of timeline; you can take the transition slow and only let go of things once you feel absolutely sure that they aren’t serving you anymore, even if that means never letting go of some of the things other people say you should want nothing to do with. some of us are happiest when we embrace identities and ways of moving through the world that make absolutely no sense to anyone but us.

so my advice is this: don’t run away from this. it’s not fair to yourself to live your entire life in a limbo space of perpetually agonizing over your identity but never doing anything about it. the best thing you can do is give yourself permission to explore these feelings in their entirety, rather than only focusing on the things they might take away from you. i know it’s scary, but i guarantee you’ll come out happier on the other side no matter what you end up identifying as. knowing more about how you want to be seen and how you want to live life is only going to help you be more satisfied with the life you’re living — you can’t be happy if you never give yourself the space to learn what being happy means for you.

if, at the end of it all, you do end up letting go of some of the things you feel attached to now, it’ll only be because you found something that makes you even happier and feels even more right. and if you don’t? you can live the rest of your life holding onto all of the things you love about womanhood without actually/entirely/only being a woman! there are no rules; gender and queerness have no limits except for the limits of how far you’re willing to go to truly know yourself.

[genderqueerdykes]

Things commonly asked while questioning one's gender

Here are some questions you may ask yourself if you are in the process of questioning your gender; if these questions have occurred to you, or create a dialogue or reaction in you, you could possibly have an experience that falls under the trans* umbrella. PLEASE note that NONE of these are REQUIREMENTS for being trans- people have asked me to lay out some basic questions you can ask yourself or a checklist and this is what i've come up with so far:

Does being called by my birth name bother me? would i be happier going by a different name of a different gender or a different name somehow?

Do the pronouns assigned with my birth gender feel inaccurate somehow? would i be happier if i changed my pronouns? does the gender marker assigned to me on licenses and IDs bother me or feel inaccurate?

Does the way other people address me affect me? does the way other people perceive me and assign gendered terms and roles to me in passive conversation bother me? does it bother me that people treat me like a "man" or "woman" when that's not how i feel? does it bother me when people aggressively call me sir, ma'am, lady, man, sister, brother, etc.

When engaging in roleplay or thought exercises, do i find myself naturally envisioning myself as a different gender, or creating characters of a different gender because it feels more safe, natural or comfortable to me while doing thought exercises or fantasizing? do i find that it comes easily to me to put myself in the shoes of another gender, perhaps even moreso than my agab?

Do I find myself relating to one gender moreso than others whenever I engage with fiction? do I find that I wish I could be a lot more like characters of a certain gender ? Do I find that it's easier to project myself on to characters of a different gender?

Do i feel trapped, uncomfortable, upset, irritated, or freaked out when other people comment on how feminine or masculine i am? do i feel like they are wrong in how they see me? do i feel uncomfortable when separated by genders with my peers? do i feel alienated when assigned to be partnered up with one gender but more at home with another? do i feel as though i'm forced to use the incorrect gendered spaces like restrooms?

Would i feel better or more free if i tried to look for different clothing? do the clothes i wear now feel wrong, restrictive, uncomfortable, or in some other way like they are not mine or do not suit me?

Do i wish my voice were lower or higher? does my internal view of how my voice should sound match how it does, and do i feel like i should change that to feel more comfortable and safe, or more like myself?

Do i wish my body were different in some way? does my internal view of how i look match how my body looks? is there something that's wrong or makes me feel uncomfortable? is there something that would make me happier if i changed it, like my musculature, fat distribution, facial structure, hair growth, and so on? do i feel as though something is missing, or needs to go?

Do I feel as though the genders described to me by others just don't fit? do i feel as though i just cannot fit into the boxes of male and female? do i feel as though no matter what gender i try to identify with , it is still inaccurate? do i find that i have an experience with a gender, but it's nothing like how most other people describe their experiences?

Do i wish that i could have more freedom in my presentation and identity? would being able to change my identity on occasion be more beneficial to me? is it too difficult for me to nail down an exact identity and it would be easier for me to identify with a more nebulous term like genderlessness? do overly rigid pre-defined genders or presentations make me feel trapped or left out?

Would i feel more comfortable if i were the one defining the terms i identify with as opposed to other people assigning them to me based upon how i look, sound and act?

Do i feel as though it is not possible for me to be cis no matter what way i try to present or which genders i identify with?

Do I find myself naturally looking up to gender non conforming, trans, nonbinary and other queer people in general? do i find that the way they go about presenting their genders and interacting with gender makes more sense than how cis people approach gender?

this is not an attempt at a diagnostic tool, nor is it required for you to experience ALL of these things, or even most of them. every trans person experiences something different. i'm presenting a list of common questions people ask themselves while questioning their gender. we will continue to add as we think of things

[rustbeltjessie]

To what purpose, April, do you return again? (or: finally, a pinned post for April)

Hi all. I'm Jessie Lynn McMains, aka Rust Belt Jessie. I'm an Xennial/Elder Millenial (please don't call me a Geriatric Millenial, thank you) writer/artist/zine-maker/etc. (I wear many hats.) I'm queer and nonbinary/genderfluid, and as far as pronouns go, I’m okay with any human pronoun (they and she are my most-used, but I like he, too, and I especially like it when people switch up the pronouns they use for me). I’m disabled and neurodivergent.

I live with my partner and our two kiddos, both of whom are also neurodivergent, and right now I’m supporting all of us on whatever money I earn. I do freelance copywriting and editing as my main thing, but I also make a decent chunk of my income from selling my zines and books and pins and whatever else I make, so the more I sell, the better able I am to pay bills and take care of my family.

Through my Ko-fi, you can buy my zines and books (I have both poetry and prose available) and pins, as well as commission me to make you a music-inspired mini-collage or hire me to edit your own writing. Or also just throw me a few bucks if you appreciate the content I make available for free.

If you live outside the US (I can only ship within the US via Ko-fi, because setting up shipping for multiple countries is a pain the butt), or just prefer to purchase something or donate via a different platform, I also have PayPal and Venmo (@ JessieLynnMcMains).

I also have a Substack newsletter. I try to send something out at least once a month. Sometimes it's a longer piece about music and nostalgia (I recently started a series called These Fucking Songs, for just that purpose), sometimes it's just updates on what I'm up to, sometimes it's something else. I'm currently working on one about poetry, and my writing process, and revision.

As if that weren't enough, this month I'm doing a 30/30 on the Tupelo Press site, which not only means I have to write a poem every day to be posted the next day, but I am also fundraising for Tupelo Press. My goal is to raise $350 by the end of the month. You can follow along with my daily poems here (the newest is always at the top; scroll down to read previous days), and the fundraising page is here. (I'm also offering some cool incentives for people who donate; more info about all that is available on the fundraising page.)

I'm pro-trans, pro-vaccine, pro-sex worker, pro-abortion, pro-Black Lives Matter. I'm for harm reduction for any drug user or addict, meaning I want them to be able to use drugs as safely as possible, rather than forcing them into rehab or incarcerating them. I'm anti-censorship and anti-fascist. I believe everyone, everyone, should have a safe place to sleep and enough to eat without having to earn it. I consider myself an anarcho-socialist, basically, but I do vote. I'm telling you all that because if you are vehemently against any of those things, we'll probably not get along.

I'm a forever-goth/punk who loves all kinds of music. (Things on heavy rotation for me as I write this are: The Replacements, Einstürzende Neubauten, and Oliver Nelson.) I'm femme but I'm a disaster femme; when I use nailpolish it's always sloppy and/or chipped, when I wear eyeliner it's always crooked and/or smeared, and I am incapable of not ripping a hole or two in every pair of tights and stockings I own. I love art and film and theater and literature and music. I'm a Shakespeare stan, I love growing my own vegetables, I collect souvenir pennies and stick and poke tattoos. I'm always a slut in theory, even when not always in practice. I'm perpetually nostalgic, melancholy, and restless. I spend all my free time posting pictures of myself on the internet and trying to prove I'm punk to anyone that'll listen.

Want more Jessie content? There's my website (still under construction, but it exists). Or you could try searching the my writing, my art, Jessie Lynn McMains, or Rust Belt Jessie tags on this blog. I also have a side blog, where I tend to post more frequently than I do on this blog. If you ask nice, I'll probably give you the URL.

On that note, my DMs and asks are open, and, as of right now, anon is on.

I think that's it! As always, whether you can send any $$ my way (or to my fundraiser) currently or not, keeping this post circulating helps. Thanks much. 🖤

[st5lker]

one thing i dont see talked about very often is the casual transmisogyny specific to nonbinary transfems especially those of us who have any kind of masculine presentation/pronouns. like as a bigender person i consider myself both a trans woman and a gay man at the same time in different parts and everyone just kind of sees that and goes "oh so youre not an actual trans woman so being transmisogynistic doesnt matter". and believe me i dont consider myself having it "worse" like im far safer irl than most binary post-transition transfems since i present masculinely irl and I constantly recognize that but when it comes to casual transmisogyny people are transmisogynistic in a very insidious way when youre nonbinary.

like people who would normally be really careful about checking themselves for transmisogyny just throw everything out the window when they realize youre nonbinary. you tell them you consider yourself a woman and a man at the same time, or anything in between, or have any kind of attachment to masculinity, and they immediately mentally categorize you as a man. it doesnt matter how you present, what you say, whether it's online or offline---if you're amab and don't fit the bill of being "woman enough" people online will go "thats a man" end of sentence.

the most painful part is that it comes from everybody. it comes from the cis lesbians that called that amab nonbinary person on tiktok a rapist for saying they liked when bi women primarily attracted to women were into them. it comes from the "femboy" obsessed tme transmascs and nbs who don't take your concerns about their transmisogyny seriously. and rarely, but most hurtfully, it comes from other trans women. anyone else remember when lesbianchemicalplant endlessly harassed a trans girl on here for daring to call her attraction to men gay? I do. I do because I saw it at a vulnerable time in my development and it made me repress myself for years because I thought being gay for men and a trans women were the most mutually exclusive things in the world and daring to say you can connect to both of those will get you labeled a Fake Transfem that's doing it for clout. i STILL get a feeling in the back of my mind that whenever i mention being a transfem after talking abt being a gay man people will be like "dont be ridiculous you're not REALLY transfem".

this of course comes from the fact that trans women are held to an impossibly high standards of femininity. you have to be a Capital W Woman to be taken seriously. meaning, of course, that you have to have long hair and thin shoulders and wear dresses and be skinny and short and attractive and usually white (unless they have a fetish for black women, then you can be black IF you hit the rest of those criteria). no matter what you can't be anything CLOSE to a man. make sure you take hrt and get The Surgery too and throw in some breast implants while you're at it.

if you're not rejecting every single part of you that could at all be associated with masculinity you're not even trying, you're just a man, you're just like all other men, and they don't have to care what you say about how you're treated. that type of transmisogyny is so deeply ingrained in literally everyone and its so depressing. it comes back to haunt ALL transfems but the way nonbinary transfems are treated is a perfect example of it.

[initforthelolzz]

I know that this discussion has been made countless times at this point, but I might as well make it again.

Anyone who calls Yamato a woman doesn’t understand his character, there, I said it.

I recently stumbled across that side of the one piece fandom. As in, the side that gets violent over Yamato’s gender identity. I recently had the unfortunate privilege of stumbling across an entire YouTube comment section ranting and unanimously agreeing that Yamato is a woman and cussing out all the people who “head-cannon” him as a man.

Whelp. It’s rant time again.

For starters, I accept Yamato as a man. A trans man that doesn’t necessarily pass, but has a respected gender identity by all he associates with (as far as I’ve watched).

I have multiple trans friends and family members in my life, and as an LGBT individual myself any and all representation is a breath of fresh air. Especially in shonen anime, which is the sole form of media that I consume at this point.

I’ve already made my rant about the queer rep in Impel Down, and it’s about time I spun my spiel about the upsetting discourse over Yamato and his gender identity. Because that’s exactly what it is, upsetting.

When Yamato was first introduced he wore a mask and baggy clothing, he didn’t speak and was mysteriously called nothing other than “Kaido’s son.” He was hyped up for episodes on end before he finally joined the plot, and finally spoke. In the distinct voice of a woman.

Clearly, any and all gender norms have been obliterated at this point.

When Yamato finally took his mask off and declared himself Kozuki Oden, Luffy reacted how all of us did:

It’s exactly what all of us were thinking, right? How can that be Kaido’s son?

Then of course Yamato responds with this:

And we have our answer. Yamato is a trans man, and the entire Beast Pirates crew respects that. It’s incredible, isn’t it? I was blown away, you should have heard me squealing, it was ridiculous.

Luffy was a dick about it initially, but from the moment Yamato declared himself a man Luffy referred to him by his preferred pronouns for the rest of the arc.

“You can trust him.” “He’s going to help you.”

(Paraphrased. Didn’t dig up a screen shot cause I’m lazy. Took place when Luffy left Yamato with Momo and Shinobu on his way to the roof.)

Conversation over, right?! Wrong!!

Cause some people don’t like that. They see huge tits and refuse to accept this character as anything but a woman.

It doesn’t matter that Yamato is referred to using he/him pronouns by literally everyone, it doesn’t matter that Kaido consistently calls him his son, and it certainly doesn’t matter that Yamato personally declares himself a man.

They say that Yamato is biologically female; “it says it on the vivre card!” “A manga panel calls her Kaido’s daughter!” All things I found in that comment section, repeated again and again. Of course there’s the color spread covered in big boobs and bikinis, and that’s obviously proof that Yamato is a woman like all the rest. Because all of the color spreads happened in the cannon story and must be taken as hard fact.

I mean clearly.

Canon, 100%.

No question.

“Cause Oda literally said it himself…” right? Yeah. Sure. I’ll believe it when I see an SBS or a quote from the man himself.

I understand where they’re coming from, I really do. Yeah, Yamato looks like a woman. Yeah, boobs exist. Yeah, both voice actors are female.

But all of this evidence is strictly surface level, and these people ignore the personality of the character they claim to defend on top of the way they interact with other characters in the series.

They say that Yamato only looks up to Oden, that he’s not really a trans man, he’s just “larping.” Playing pretend.

They claim to be defending Yamato’s identity. They claim that those who call him a man are trying to “steal” the character and “gender her.” Yet… doesn’t their entire argument revolve around gendering that exact character?

By that logic, who gendered the character in the first place? I dunno, maybe the guy who’s wrote the dialogue? I mean maybe???

At the end of the day I can get ticked off all I want, but people will think what that think and all I can do is try not to let it affect me. However…I know transphobia when I see it. I see transphobic discourse within my own family. I know what that shit looks like. Refusal to respect pronouns. “Well you don’t look male.” “You were born female.” “It’s all just a phase, they’re confused.”

Sound familiar?

People can believe what that like, but it doesn’t mean that what they believe is right. It’s upsetting to see this argument so often. It’s all over the fandom, there’s no way to avoid it.

People claim to be defending the gender of this character, they act as if Yamato is being attacked by the evil gays who will stop at nothing to turn everyone trans. I’m not joking, that’s literally how they worded in that battlefield of a comment section.

Yamato’s gender expression is confusing, we know. That’s the point! Oda said fuck gender conformity all the way back in Alabasta, and he isn’t stopping now. What we see in Yamato is trans representation, but not a clean rep like Kiku, we have a man who doesn’t pass. Guess what? Not all trans people pass! That doesn’t make them any less trans, and your black and white perception of their gender doesn’t debunk their identity.

I genuinely don’t understand why there has to be so much discourse over this topic. Like you’re literally arguing with Luffy himself at this point. 😔🙄

[basimdasasonst]

tos spock: logic may be a philosophical path that i have dedicated much of my life to the path of -- as far as considering and almost completing kolinahr -- but it does not make me all that i am. i am a person outside of my physicalities, with wants, needs, and other such things that i can allow myself through the cracks of my teachings

snw spock: did u know im a vulcan. only half tho ... raagaghaahhah ... (meek noises of protest against his humanity)

no. but seriously. on that ... thing of an snw s3 recap: others have divested much more time and energy into talking about vulcan philosophy vs biology (and there's a plethora of very good takes about it if you do only the most minor of searching) so i won't harp on the matter, but i want to step back and observe the writing and characterisation beyond the colossal fuck up that is -- well, their disintegration of vulcan culture/complexities.

[i'll -- try to keep this brief but no promises. i did spend 2000 words ranting about how badly they did spock so, brevity thy name is not basimdasas]

let me just. let's just pretend we can get over the fact they mixed biology with philosophy. let's just let that slide for a second. why -- and i cannot stress this enough -- the fuck do (pike, uhura, la'an, chapel -- i'll call them fake vulcans for my own sake) the fake vulcans talk the fucking same ... ? moreover -- why are they the same person -- logical. Purely Wholey Logical (trademark). if you transcribed the text of the 5 minute episode we were given and took out the dialogue tags -- they're. they're all the same person. you cannot tell who's talking, maybe through context clues. Guys. (shakes the writers really hard, enough to give an adult shaken baby syndrome) VULCANS HAVE PERSONALITIES TOO. i've felt a small undercurrent of this in the previous seasons but it feels directly amplified to me now -- spock's "humanity" is -- is his personality. They're making his personality his humanity. dude.

let me put it this way: you put two nihilists in a room. they've grown up in different ways, in different places, and were introduced to nihilism by their parents who also believed and practised in the philosophy. you let them talk. they're going to disagree, they might even get angry at the other. they'll agree. if there is something inherently correct that they can both acknowledge, they will have different viewpoints of tackling the concept -- based not just on the objective teachings, but the environment they grew up in, their communities, their parents, and their own personal traits. now let's take them out of the box. you compare the two at a distance: one likes grape smoothies, the other likes peach. one is a morning person, one is not. one is a competitive swimmer. one works in an office. they both find relative comfort from their jobs, even if in different ways. they are both nihilists. yet, inextricably, they are different in many ways.

ONLY VULCANS WHO HAVE UNDERGONE KOLINAHR WOULD LACK EMOTIONS. VULCANS STILL HAVE EMOTIONS THEY JUST TAMP THEM DOWN.

ok. calm. i'm drawing a tad on my experience as a trans man with gender here, but there are some things about us that are fundamental to our being that we are inherently drawn to for various reasons, i believe. i mean, that's what personality is, in a severe nutshell. that's why we have assholes who continue to be assholes (garner pleasure from it, usually). people who continue to let themselves get stepped over (never learned to stand up for themselves, environmental factor, or is afraid, or what have you). people who learn from their mistakes (ambition, or an intense desire for personal growth. where does this desire come from? changes per person. it's never the same). people who don't. kind people. mean people. we can change our personalities (with heavy work), but they are as much a product of emotion as they are environment, personal wants, personal needs, etc. everyone is built different (lol, but literally) -- and there really are truly some things we cannot just -- purge, by a point. example: i know in my heart that i am not a woman. i gravitate towards anger. i have never been good at history, no matter the angle i tackle it from. there will never be a day where i read the fine print of a legal document. i could become good at history, i am fixing my anger, but i will always naturally gravitate right where i want to be, and right where i need to be. i will always understand numbers better than words, because that's -- just how my brain works. my memory might always be a little wonky. this is all ok. fuck, it might not be logical that i'm so utterly useless at history, and sure i can work to change it, but i will always find myself more comfortable and more at ease in physics with the same amount of work. the logical thing from there is to just accept my weaknesses and move with my strengths. see where i'm going with this? and sure, i can definitely change most of my personality, but it's hard. sometimes that effort is good sometimes it's not. we have natural tendencies. we have different wants, different needs. and by the universe do we not all share the same body -- we will amble around in our flesh suits differently. my gait will be different than yours; it is no less of a walk.

anyway. tangent aside. short story -- we gravitate to things. that's natural. that's logical. diversity of a species is logical -- especially for society.

now, vulcans, in my heart of hearts, are definitely more subtle about these things because, you know, surak, but. if every vulcan was the same and had the same inherent -- wants, needs, interests, subdued emotions, way of headbutting logic -- then you have a society of mirrors. snw is trying to make vulcan society a society of mirrors.

pike is caring. la'an is quiet, strict, efficent. uhura, also, is caring but in a different way to pike. chapel is enthusiastic. by embracing suraks teachings and (magically, mysteriously) acting in accordance to them fully, they are effectively tamping down their greater feelings. not completely ridding of them. despite the fact that vulcan!pike would logically find no sense in compassion, he would also find no sense in cruelty. he is, to his heart, a compassionate person because he has made himself one. one philosophical revelation wouldn't remove decades of that. sure, he might tamp it down, but he'd still be more compassionate than anything else. he would not be cruel for logic's sake -- even if, yes, there's only "4.5 vulcans", logically -- he wouldn't say that. he wouldn't fucking say that because he is kind hearted and though it's true, it would feel "illogical to point out" -- he is good with people. has been for the duration of the show, and probably a good majority before that. he'd understand the emotions of others regardless, he's very perceptive. he'd see spock flinch at "a half". he'd roundabout it in that way that tos spock loved to do -- talk in half truths. "5 people to beam down" is not wrong. it is imprecise but not wrong. (bones voice) goddammit, they're not all the same damn stereotypical rude vulcan asshole. i haven't read surak's teachings but i severely doubt he said, at any point: "harp on an unnecessary fact to be a total douchebag as often as vulcanely possible".

this goes for everyone too -- la'an is more the silent efficent type. why would she feel the need to say ... much of anything to the effect? spock knows he's half vulcan. everyone does. what the fuck does it bring to the table to reiterate it? nothing.

you're doing the jj abrams special: creating conflict where they should be none, and ignoring a greater place to create conflict. seriously, even if i do believe the whole thing about genetics that chapel does (WHICH! BY THE WAY! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IT'S BEEN MENTIONED/PLOT RELEVANT SINCE 1X01!) why is spock not, instead, helping them regulate their emotions? why are they not like pre-reform vulcans? why not use this to help us stir a bit in spock's head instead of using an out that isn't "making spock the butt of the joke". why can't he show vulcan!kindness as he's so often showing in tos. mf let me into that writers room i just want to talk i ju-

also, the dialogue was super cringy. sorry, it was. i say this as a writer who has written super cringy dialogue before and occasionally does so now. it was cringy. i've written better at the age of 12 in the margins of my maths notebook while bored out of my mind. some of these lines made me tense up. misplaced, or corny, or so severely out of character that it gave me a genuine headache by minute 2 of 5, or what have you: t'was cringy. so so so bad.

i -- selfishly, almost -- hope that it's not too late to go back and fix it, but since filming has long wrapped up -- well. it's probably a moot point, but i'm deeply annoyed. again, i really want to like snw, but everything "spock" (and, by extension, vulcan) has been butchered so badly that watching the show is rather like reading a fic you really like with one tag that just ruins the whole thing. like you'll stick it out, but begrudgingly, and not with a lot of joy in your heart because of -- i don't know, some weirdly prevalent "daddy kink".

tl;dr -- we are not just a product of the objective teachings of our beliefs, and vulcans are not only reflections of surak's teachings.

snw writers: please kick jj abrams out of your writing room. he's not doing you any favours

[seeing--is--believing]

"So far in what could loosely be called your life, you have made a living watching others. Society would call you an informant. a rat, a snitch, I call you unworthy of the body you possess, of the life you have been given."

Hello. I am Michael. I don't want to be on this app but I was told it'd be a good place to connect with others like myself, start new bonds, possibly "have fun". I don't know what to say here. I am 30 exactly, I'm a male and I own a hamster named Rusty who has one eye, I don't like loud people and I like to sleep.

Talk to me if you want, I won't stop you but I don't want any weird stuff. I'll ignore you. It's easy.

Hi! Back at it again, making another blog. If you guys don't know me, I'm Richie, he/him, a gay trans man with a love for horror movies, video games and photography! I own @riotsnrebellion, @nintndo64, @metalhead-painter and my main blog is @1nervegas1. This blog is extra special to me as Michael is my absolute fav character ever.

Going through the usual warnings of talk of violence, gore, sexual themes, drug addiction and self destructive behaviors, so if that's not your thing? You've been warned for it

Im okay with shipping and nsfw asks! Im all up for oc x canon, canon x canon and rarepairs! Just message me beforehand so we can discuss the ship!

Some more info on him because hes not too talkative about himself just yet: Michael is a cisman, he goes by he/him and he's also bisexual (something he struggled with when he wasa teen), after a particularly bad drug charge and while he was trying to go through therapy for those with addiction, he had the choice of either becoming a police informant or having more charges dropped onto him by non other than Eric Matthews, so he picked the 1st option, no matter how much he disliked it. He spent most of his childhood looking after his younger sister, Madeline, so she's really the only person he trusts fully. Michael isn't one to open up too easily, but he'll try his best. JUST as he was getting better, he was grabbed by jigsaw. He goes to the survivors meetings but hardly speaks, he also wears a set of rounded shades to hide his missing eye

More info on him and his backstory can be found HERE! (once I get to work on writing the post)

TAGS THAT COULD BE USED ON THIS BLOG!

-#👁️‍🗨️>MICHAEL CHATS (interactions/rp)

-#💬>MICHAEL TALKS (hisbown posts/rambles)

-#‼️>MICHAELCORE (things I associate with him

-#🔃>MICHAEL REBLOGS (self explanatory)

-#<❗HEADCANON❗>

#🥁>RICHIE RAMBLES (ooc)

[adolfusraptor1985]

I was going to send this as an anon but I want to learn to be open about my curiosities and felt this was a good start.

How did you know you were therian? What was the realization moment that told you?

And did you ever feel a sense of imposter syndrome? Not in regards to "but I'm not really an animal" type feelings, but more in the "Other therians won't accept I'm therian because X reason" type feelings?

Were you scared, or anxious about making the claim, about being open about the identity?

I'm asking because I've had some feelings, confusing ones, for a fairly long while now and the last year or two have been one discovery after another as I slowly branch into a space where I feel I'm really allowed to explore myself and who I am.

And I don't know if I'm therian or not, I don't know if I have a right to call myself one, if it's my identity or if it's just that I wish being an animal were true of me.

I don't know if I'm therian, or just have wishes, or if it's just a matter of rejecting my self.

I don't know if even having these fears/anxieties/thoughts makes me therian, or means I'm definitely not.

How did you know? How would I know? And what do I need to do to fully understand?

For me, my realization of being a therian came to me similar to how I realized I was trans. I grew up loving animals a lot, more than people at times. I always pictured myself as an animal, almost 24/7. I kept getting older and tried to accept my self-image as an animal was just childish fantasy. I got into the furry fandom as a tween so I could have a more "real" or "mature" way of expressing myself as an animal.

Later on, I found the term therian through the internet. I was extremely hesitant at first to even interact with therian. Pretending to be an animal or animal character was one thing, but to actually believe you are one is another. I thought it was entirely delusional and absurd.

Once I started questioning my gender identity however, I started to gain a better understanding of therianthropy. I began to understand that feeling like an animal was similar to feeling like a different gender. It was an involuntary and integral experience that made someone who they are. I started reflecting on my own past, and how I grew up always feeling like an animal. I realized that being "human" was a shield that I had been hiding behind. That if I just let myself be, well- myself, I would be an animal. Not because I want to be, but because it feels right.

The first year of identifying as a therian was confusing to me. I wanted desperately to fit in and be respected both within and outside of the community. I stuck very strongly to the "I know I'm physically human, it's just a spiritual/psychological identity" sentiment. I convinced myself of a watered-down version of my real identity just so I would be accepted. I was definitely nervous with the idea of calling myself an animal, even if it was only partially.

Now though, I've grown out of that fear. I completely reject identifying as my biological species. Deep down, not being human feels right to me. I openly identify as transspecies and have been considering using the physical nonhuman label. I fall on the really "extremist" end of therianthropy so to speak. The majority of therians don't feel themselves to be an animal or nonhuman to great extent that I do. But I'm okay with that, because for the first time in my life I feel sure and comfortable with my identity.

As far as knowing whether you are a therian or not, I can't do much to help. The one thing you should keep in mind is that there are tons of reasons someone can be a therian. There's not one exact experience that defines it. My advice is to stop thinking about having to be exact. Find whatever feels best or the most comfortable to you.

Every single experience commonly held by therians isn't a requirement you have to meet. But at the same time, having any one of these experiences is enough to call yourself a therian if that feels right. There's no "rule book" on what you need to be a therian. Believing some part of you, in some way, is an animal, is all there is to it. This belief can come from anything, even if it's considered "unusual" in the community.

[alex51324]

Dear it/its users

OK, so this is a speech I've been working on ever since my sister told me that my two nonbinary niblings had added it/its to their list of pronouns. So far, they haven't indicated that those are their first-choice pronouns, so we've kind of been skirting the issue, but I've been getting this ready, because I love them and want to try to help them avoid long-term unintended consequences as they enter the adult world. Now I'm sharing it with you, because doing so is as nice as I know how to be.

First: If I, as a queer elder and active Tumblr user, have the initial reaction of, "Fuck, these little shits are going to get somebody fired with their 5-edgy-4-U bullshit," that is super-important context for you to know in considering taking this choice out into the larger world.

Now, I have made the effort of educating myself, and I understand that many people who make this choice have substantive reasons that go beyond edgy teen bullshit. However, you have to allow for the fact that the majority of people will not move past their first impression regarding this choice.

Being gender-nonconforming is already a strike against you in a lot of contexts--even in reasonably liberal settings, unconscious bias is a thing. Is being it/its important enough to you to add another strike against yourself?

Second: People are going to be uncomfortable calling you "it," even if you've thoroughly explained why you want them to.

This is different from people not wanting to call you by your chosen name, or wanting to call your by the pronouns for your gender assigned at birth, because these people will be coming from a place of wanting to respect you.

Yes, you can argue with them that calling you as you want to be called is the most respectful option, but they will still be uncomfortable. You can't reason them out of feeling uncomfortable, because they didn't reason themselves into it. It's a feeling. They may get over it in time.

But.

If those people do not already have some prexisting love, loyalty, or commitment toward you, that motivates them to sit with that discomfort and work through it, the easiest way out will be to simply decide that--for some totally unrelated reason, that their conscious mind will be fully convinced is true--you and they just didn't click! You don't seem like a good fit for the job, team, walking tour of the Lake District, whatever it is.

Because people don't like being uncomfortable, and if mentioning your existence puts them in an ethical dilemma, a lot of them will just nope right out of it.

And again, these will be people who are motivated in part by their desire to respect you and your autonomy. They will feel, consciously or not, that you have put them in a shitty position where no matter what they say, they'll feel like they're doing something wrong--

And they, dear nibling, will feel that way because you have. You didn't intend to, but you did.

I love you, and if that is your choice I will get used to it, but I am writing this in the second person for a reason.

Story time: I was trans/nonbinary in nine-teen-fucking-ninety-six. The LGB* organization on my college campus didn't know what the fuck to do with me. When I said in "let's go around the room and introduce yourself" time on the first day of class, that despite what the roster said, I was actually a boy called Alex, people got nervous and looked away, and kind of avoided talking about me for the rest of the semester.

(*By the time I left, it was the LGBT organization.)

And then when I was ready to go to grad school, I had professors tell me that they weren't sure how to write me a letter of recommendation, because they knew I didn't want to be called "she," but if they put "he," the recipient might be confused, and if they put "they" they'd look bad because we were in the English department and "they" is plural.

When I got to grad school, I kept "Alex," but skipped saying anything about my gender identity. It didn't help all that much. I got along well enough with my classmates, but all of the professors seemed to be waiting for me to cause trouble, and as a teaching assistant my student evaluation comments made frequent reference to my gender presentation and how they found my name "confusing." (Another grad student, whose name was James or something like that, went by Kip, and nobody gave him shit about it.) I got an anonymous rape threat in my campus email about my "indoctrinating students with my radical agenda," and the campus cop who responded to the complaint said maybe I should, "Tone it down a bit." (Tone what down? I was dressing and acting pretty much the same as the male half of my class cohort.) I ended up dropping out after the Masters, even though the plan all along had been to do the PhD and have an academic career.

Throughout all this, I was a bit more oblivious than I should have been about the underlying pattern behind all this--blame the autism, I guess.

I don't know, if I'd realized it all, whether i would have made different choices regarding my identity and presentation--since my choices were pretty much limited to "present as my gender assigned at birth, or suffer the consequences."

You, today, nibling, in 2024, have the option of being a "they/them," and if you choose your company right, it won't be a big deal--it'll close some doors, but mainly ones you don't want to go through anyway.

Or you can be an it/its, and watch doors slam in your face.

I will love you and support you either way, dear nibling, but I can't make the world love you.

I--we, my generation--changed the world enough that there's a space in it for people like us. I hope you make that space bigger, better, and brighter, but it hurts to think about you dragging yourself through the same shit we went through. We built a path behind us, so you wouldn't have to.

(P.S., For the love of god, please don't get a nonbinary gender marker on your driver's license; the last thing we need is you getting shot at a routine traffic stop.)

[tigergirltail]

Seeing a fair number of posts lately from transfems wishing they had known a trans person who would have told them when they were younger that they're trans, and it's been bothering me. First of all because it puts the onus of responsibility on this mysterious, cool, older, wiser transwoman to break the egg out of their shell, which I thought we agreed was a toxic ideal back when we called them Manic Pixie Dream Girls.

Second, and more importantly, because in the ideal scenario, in which the egg is very definitely a closeted transgirl, and the more open transwoman is genuinely just trying to help the egg find her true self, being forceful about it can set that discovery back years, even decades.

Source: It literally happened to me.

In my late teens, I played an MMORPG called City of Heroes, and my best friend in that game would later reveal to me that she is a transwoman. As I aged into my mid twenties, we got to meeting up IRL and going to anime conventions together, and she'd inevitably broach the topic of me trying more feminine presentation. Not even telling me she saw signs, just subtly trying to steer me in the right direction. She was particularly enthusiastic about seeing me in a skirt.

Every single time it happened, I'd get mad and shut down.

There's a psychological phenomenon in which, when someone holds a set of deeply held beliefs, and those beliefs are challenged by verifiable evidence, the cognitive dissonance causes the person to double down, and hold to those beliefs even harder. That's why right-wingers are Like That, but it applies just as much to all of us. I'll get back to this concept in a bit.

When I was around 15, an anime aired in Canada called Cardcaptor Sakura, or Cardcaptors as it was localized. Something about the exact stage of development I was, and seeing Sakura getting to set aside her mundane responsibilities to dress up in cute costumes and go out on magical adventures, it called to my closeted little girl heart. I have a vivid memory of staring in the mirror, holding my hair to look like Sakura's and imagining myself as her. As a girl. I have many more memories of looking at feminine characters and thinking "gods I wish I could look/dress like that", but Sakura was the first.

I kept it fully to myself, because I had grown up in the late 80s and 90s - before the word 'transgender' was commonly known, before media depicted us as anything but objects of mockery or horror. It was a deeply ingrained and societally reinforced belief that Boys Are Boys and Girls Are Girls, and never the two shall cross.

So when my best online friend tried to convince me to be more feminine, that cognitive dissonance would kick in and I'd shut down. Even though she was objectively correct that I was a closeted transgirl, it was her word against the word of my entire upbringing and societal viewpoint.

What actually helped, what actually put a dent in my egg, was the fact that she simply existed as a transwoman, she was visible and proud. That existence challenged my preconcieved notions in a way that could not be resisted.

From there, it was a matter of time and continued exposure.

Another friend who explained to me what 'cisgender' meant, and who eventually started leaning into transmasc presentation. A romantic partner who came out as genderqueer and helped me understand the concept of 'nonbinary'. Transgender content creators who posted about their experiences online - special shoutout to demilypyro and assumptionprime, two of the most influential voices for me while I was figuring this out, but far from the only ones.

The shields of my egg were down. It was primed for hatching.

On April 22, 2022, I was looking up some fanart of Hex Maniac from Pokemon X/Y, who I had cosplayed at a convention three years before, and thinking of how good it felt to wear that dress. How good it felt to look like her. How good it felt… to be a girl.

-CRACK-

…Later that day, I went to my old City of Heroes friend, practically begging her for help. How do I know if HRT is what I want? How do I know if I should transition? How do I know if I'm really a girl?

She knew. She always knew. She tried to tell me, but I wasn't ready to listen. Not yet.

The point of all of this is that one transperson telling an egg they're trans is not a solution to the problem. The problem is that society has tried very hard to make us the outliers, to make us the weirdos, but society is losing that war. If you want to help the eggs of the world, be visible, be proud, and treat being trans as something normal and beautiful. Don't tell them unless they ask, just… be there.

Eggs hatch when they're ready, and not a moment sooner.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Oh, and by the way… She got her wish in the end. I wear skirts now.

[one-squash-one-end]

speculate about Noah Czerny's sexuality with me

Hello fellow cool kids (age neutral), it's been a while. I'll try to wrap up the character parts of my giant trc analysis soon so I can get into the cool metaphors that would make my English teacher proud (or not, considering I overshare and use gen z/internet lingo a lot) and maybe have the full thing up eventually.

Today it's Noah time, and he's honestly kind of a hard character to do this for, since well, he isn't alive, but I tried my best to form a headcanon and would love to hear from you all!

Click to read and, as always, beware of spoilers for the entire raven cycle series <3

e) Noah Czerny

Starting where I left off, gender again. Alive Noah would absolutely identify as cis, which is what I’d somehow associate with him in general, but arguably he is trans as he does not have a gender.

‘Why does he not have a gender?’, you ask. He’s dead! Gender is a social construct; it does not transcend into death! But at the same time, he still has an identity as long as he is able to keep his ghost form, personality and free will in life. He chose his name himself, or well, not directly, but he chooses to still be called that, chooses to have a gender when he doesn’t have one, you know? I know, I’ve probably contradicted myself about three times so far already, but it’s just very complicated because there is a lot going on. What speaks out to me though is Blue and what she has to say about the matter. “She would keep calling whatever this was Noah for as long as it wanted to be called Noah.” Trans rights.

It is important to note that Whelk, the man who killed him, his ex best friend, is also just his ex boyfriend. Whelk does not seem entirely straight to me, and neither does his whole relationship with Noah. Noah probably also pulled a lot of girls when he was still alive, I bet that red Mustang was a real chick magnet back in 2005.

Then again, he does not express sexual desires or anything like that too much in the books, but at the same time he is not around too often. While he does seem interested in Blue at one point, saying he’d ask her out if he was alive, the line between friendship and romance is blurred a lot in the books, so presumably it’s the case with their make-out session as well, not platonic, not romantic, but a secret third thing (alterous). Maybe it’s also like how I would absolutely be in love with that one friend of mine if I wasn’t aro-ace, like a right person, wrong circumstance moment.

During Gangsey time I would call him panromantic demisexual, he just gives me the vibes as I’ve sort of explained, but alive!Noah seems like the sort of homophobic but sort of fruity status quo straight guy I’d be scared of.

Lastly, Blue could absolutely get him to wear a crop top, but once again, ghost Noah is very much different to me than alive Noah, and only ghost Noah would possess the crop top swag.

[vlerian-root]

PMDD + transitioning

I don't know how to write this in a more poetic manner, but I would like to put some words out of my head and into (virtual) paper. Being trans has saved my life

Quite literally! I have a medical condition called PMDD, that has been undiagnosed for 17 years. It is a neurological sensitivity to changes in levels of estrogen in the blood. There is documentation out there, don't believe anything that says "it's like bad pms". It has nothing to do with pms. This is your brain being "allergic" to you getting your period, and causing havoc on any and all brain functions - like a russian roulette! It can affect your mood (in a good and bad way, usually very extreme), leaving you suicidal, violent, nonverbal, manic... It can be very painful - and not just in your head, with the typical migraines that last for days, but also on the rest of your body, or localized areas. I used to not be able to move my legs for days at a time. "Just pms" my ass. It can affect your memory. Long and short term memory, some parts of mine are just gone. Erased. Not coming back. They are big chunks too. It can affect you psychologically, in all the fun flavors that can have, like paranoia, obsession, depression, hypomania, dissociation... This usually lasts up to 10 days and ends when you get your period. Which is a hell of its own, so I have lost half of my time for the last few years, when it started getting really bad. It only got diagnosed for me when my psychologist noticed a pattern of me getting really bad every month around the same time. He assumed I knew this. I did not. Nobody had every mentioned PMDD, I didn't know it existed.

But here is where we get to the good part. I was in medical psychological therapy for something unrelated (OCPD, a personality disorder, although most of the symptoms got really bad with PMDD), and the psychiatrist assigned to me is an expert in this matter. He talked to me about the research he had done, and the research I had done while obsessively browsing the internet for any morsel of info I could get. So far any medical treatments had been from ineffective to making things a lot worse, so I needed to talk to someone who knew their stuff. And he did! But we found that since this is your body being "allergic" to a thing it naturally produces, and will continue to produce for at least another 20ish years, the best treatment was to stop that cycle. I had tried this before with my gyno. This went terribly bad. Twice. Or rather, it went great for 3 months, then worse than ever after that, and it became the new normal. It was hell. I was at a point where I couldn't have any sort of normal life. Half the time I would make projects and live happily by myself, and the other half I needed help to even walk to the bathroom because my head was about to explode, my legs didn't work, I wanted to jump out of a window, and I forgot about all my deadlines. Oh, and the muscle spasms that looked almost like seizures. This shit had cost me 90% of my social life, all of my professional life, and was now simply trying to take my life.

BUT!!! Did you know that if you remove the ovaries, the estrogen blood levels stop rising and falling? Did you know that triggers premature menopause? Did you know that testosterone is a very effective treatment of the side effects of menopause?

That was my whole approach, and my brilliant psychiatrist agreed it was a good one. To this day, he has been the only person to not question this decision even if it's pretty radical. He's the only one that has understood there is no sense in asking someone whose brain is killing them from the inside "are you sure you want to do that? you won't be able to turn back!". I'm aware you can't put the ovaries back in. But they are. Killing me. Driving me insane. Please.

It took me ages to find a doctor that would even contemplate doing this (quite simple) surgery. Every single one of them used the "but you are a woman of childbearing age, I can't do this in good faith" argument. Or the "I don't know about PMDD so I think you are lying" covered in sugary lies approach. It was hell.

In the end, I have gotten the surgery. I no longer have overies. I'm writing this weeks after it, and I can assure whoever is reading this that I no longer suffer - or will suffer - from PMDD ever again. Writing that feels so liberating... The kicker is that I wouldn't have been able to access any of this if I wasn't trans. Because PMDD is so badly researched and documented that even the doctors that specialize in the organs it affects think it's "bad pms". I had to say "but I am a trans man, this is very dysphoric". Then, and only then, would they give me T. I am not a trans man, just transmasc. I wanted to get healthy before transitioning, because it's not very great to be in an unstable mental state to handle the tsunami of changes and their (sometimes social) repercussions that come with it. But irony of ironies, the cure for 90% of my health issues has been transitioning.

OCPD has gotten easier to manage thanks to the emotional resilience I got on T (and what my therapist taught me) No ovaries mean no periods, which means no spending up to 2 weeks each month with my brain self destructing. No more memory loss, no more pain, no more spasms, no more migraines!!! No more dreading the days before the next T dose in case the previous one is a little too short (this has sent me to the ER before). No more pregnancy risk. No more depression, no more low energy, no more low libido, no more bullshit!!!! I am ME, inside and out, forever!!!!! I haven't felt like this since I was 14, and I'm 32 now! This is insane to think about @_@ It sucks that I had to lie to some doctors to get where I am today. But if I hadn't, I don't even know if I'd be here. It wasn't that big of a lie anyways (I hope). Feels bad to me, because I hate lying, but... no, I think this one was ok.

TL;DR: I have PMDD, meaning my brain is allergic to estrogen, so you can kind of say I was allergic to being a woman, and transitioning has saved my life ♥

If you are still reading this, thank you. I'm very sleepy and this probably makes very little sense, but my dms are open to any questions.