#not tagging anyone bc i made these for my own suffering but if you see this you're welcome. or sorry that happened <3

[dalkyum]

op died ♡

[marsbarsfrommars]

alone with you (the only heaven I'll be sent to)

star wars: the high republic | rated t | complete | 2,344 words | avar kriss/elzar mann | fluff, a little hurt/comfort

summary

She nods and simply says the only thing she has to, “I understand.” 

“I knew you would,” he responds with a certainty that makes Avar's heart seize. 

or, in a quiet moment post-chapter 53, avar finds out about elzar almost dying on grizal

read

under the cut or on ao3 for better formatting

notes

first of all, this is dedicated to the person who headcannoned that elzar has burn scars on his hands from crashing his vector on grizal. I've tried, but I can't find their post, so if anyone knows whose post I'm talking about, please comment so I can tag them here.

edit: it's the lovely @ledalausnows and you should definitely check out her posts bc she's super cool!!

also, a huge shout out to the thr fans on tumblr: if it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have finished this. thank you for all your support and I hope you enjoy this <3

this is the first time in at least six years that I've actually finished one of my wips, so while I'm a little proud of this, the quality might be questionable. my perfectionism made me proof read this so many times I could probably recite it from memory so I hope this is readable and I fixed all major mistakes. anyways, I hope you enjoy this

also, english isn't my first language, so please just ignore any grammar/spelling mistakes

content warning for mentions of scars, injuries, near-death experiences and past major character death. none of this is in any way graphic but I wanted to mention it anyways

The overhead lights in Avar’s quarters are turned down to a dim glow, and it's quiet apart from the gentle hum of the ship's engines. The night cycle must have started a while ago, but neither of them had noticed; both of them were too wrapped up in each other. Now, though, they're resting. Elzar on his back in her bunk, one arm gently wrapped around her with his hand lazily caressing her waist, and Avar on her stomach, half resting on his chest, the fabric of his shirt soft under her wandering hands. 

It's nice like this—peaceful. For a moment, Avar allows herself to forget about their upcoming task, about the possible danger the future holds, and just exist in this moment with Elzar. She feels more at peace than she has in months, possibly years. She slowly runs her hand down Elzar’s arm and intertwines her fingers with his, her thumb softly brushing over the back of his hand. The motion is familiar; they've held hands more times than she can count in those weeks since she escaped the Occlusion Zone, but there's something that makes her pause. It only takes her a moment to realise that tonight is the first time since that fateful night in the garden on Starlight Beacon that they've held hands without the barrier of Elzar’s gloves between them. Elzar wearing gloves is in itself nothing out of the ordinary for a Jedi; most of them routinely wear them as part of their robes, which explains why she hasn't noticed it before. Now that she really thinks about it though, it does strike her as odd that she can't remember seeing him without gloves even once since their reunion. 

She slowly brushes her thumb over the back of Elzar’s hand again. The skin feels rougher in some spots. Avar knows the feeling of scars, enough of them are covering her own body, but she can't recall Elzar ever suffering an injury to his hands that would cause scarring this significant. She raises their intertwined hands to his chest, and sure enough, a thin web of healed fine-line and burn scars covers the back of his hand and wrist. An uneasy feeling settles in her stomach. What happened to Elzar to leave his hands scarred like this, and why wouldn't he tell me? 

Elzar, sensing the subtle change in her demeanour, chooses precisely this moment to open his eyes and look up at her. And for a moment, as silly as it may sound, she feels overwhelmed by the sheer force of her feelings for him. She had missed him for years, and sometimes, even though it's been months since their reunion, she still can't believe she doesn't have to anymore. Avar is certain he already knows what she wants to ask about, but he doesn't say anything, waiting for her to take the first step, so she does. 

“These aren't recent.�� It's a remark, not a question. She knows Elzar will tell her everything without her having to ask. There are no secrets between them; nothing is left unspoken. Not anymore. The thought makes a familiar warmth bloom in her chest. 

“No.” Elzar’s voice is soft, reserved for the quiet of quarters and whispered secrets after dark. “I got them on Grizal when my Vector crashed. The healers at the Temple did their best and apparently Bacta also helped a lot, but they couldn't prevent the scars.”

Avar furrows her brow. “I didn't know you were injured on Grizal.” She feels Elzar's body tense ever so slightly underneath her, anyone else wouldn't have noticed, but him and her—and Stellan, of course—have always shared an unusually deep connection, and now they're as attuned to each other as they haven't been in years, perhaps ever. 

“It was at the end of the battle. We thought we were winning, but we didn't know there were Nameless on Grizal. I don't remember this part at all, and most of what came after is pretty blurry in my head, but Stellan later told me that he saw my Vector go straight down. I don't understand why, but I must have passed out when the Nameless appeared. My Vector caught fire when it crashed, and the cockpit bubble shattered. I wasn't wearing gloves that day, that's why the damage to my skin there was so severe. Ty pulled me out, saved my life. I don't remember anything after, but I know Stellan was with me.” 

Avar takes a moment to process all of this. When she finally speaks, her tone isn't accusatory, there may be a tinge of hurt to it though. “Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Stellan?” she asks. Before Elzar can answer, a terrible thought takes shape in her mind. “It's not that you thought I wouldn't care, is it?” 

No matter what happened, she had never and would never stop caring about Elzar and Stellan. She knows without a doubt that it's the same for them, but she and Elzar hadn't spoken for a year at that point, and her relationship with Stellan had already been strained, so what if they had started to doubt her? Avar lowers her head. She's not sure she can look him in the eyes when he answers, the possibility of what she'll see there—of what he'll see in her—too overwhelming. 

Elzar draws his hand away from her waist to gently cup her face and tilt her head up until her eyes meet his again. His gaze is earnest and there's an urgency in it—he needs her to believe what he says next. She already knows she will before he can utter a single word because she trusts him implicitly, and she knows that trust is mutual. 

“No, I never thought that, I promise.” He pauses for a second and takes a deep breath, “And I know that Stellan didn't either.” 

Avar lets out a shuddering breath and tries to quell her bubbling emotions, which threaten to spill over at his words. Even so, her voice sounds a little shaky when she asks, “Are you sure?” 

Elzar nods sincerely. “I am. Stellan wanted to comm you, but I told him not to. We argued about it, and he relented in the end.” 

The sheer relief she feels at his reassurance is dampened by one burning question, but she doesn't have to ask for him to tell her. 

“I wanted you to know, I really did, but you were halfway across the galaxy fighting the Drengir and I didn't want you to be distracted.” He briefly averts his eyes, as if he's unsure about his next sentence, before he says, “I thought if you found out, you'd want to come see me, but we both know you couldn't have, and I didn't want to make it harder on you.” 

Part of her wants to argue, wants to protest that she would have come if only she had known. But Elzar is right; she couldn't have. Still, she wishes someone had told her. But of course he wouldn't want that, she should have known. Elzar tends to view himself as selfish, but she has always known him to put the wellbeing of others, particularly hers and Stellans, above his own. 

“And later?” she prompts gently. It's certainly not a conversation either of them had expected to have tonight, and she never wants to push him, but they've spent so much time keeping things to themselves in fear of crossing a line that hardly existed in the first place, and what good did it do them? 

“As bizarre as it sounds, almost dying wasn't the worst experience I had that week.” Now it's his voice that sounds shaky. The experience has clearly affected him more than he's currently letting on, understandably so, and Avar sends a burst of warmth through the Force. 

“When I was fully healed, everything was still so chaotic after Valo and Grizal, and there was so much going on that it just didn't seem that important.” Avar hates that he thinks that way but doesn't interrupt him; there will be time for reassurance later. “I got used to the scars fairly quickly, and even though they should be a constant reminder, I hardly think about it now. And I don't wish to. I've made my peace with everything that happened and everything I did then, I truly did, but I still don't like to remember it.” 

Avar understands, of course she does. Enough bad things have happened to her in these last few years that she's made peace with, as is the Jedi way, but still doesn't like to think of. They're the same in that way. She nods and simply says the only thing she has to, “I understand.” 

“I knew you would,” he responds with a certainty that makes Avar's heart seize. 

There's a pause in their conversation then, both of them processing and coming to terms with what was and what hasn't yet been said. Avar is the one to break it when she says, “Please never do that again.” 

Elzar quirks an eyebrow, the tension caused by their conversation slowly melting away. It seems he has decided that the heavy part of their conversation is over, which Avar truly doesn't mind. “Which part? Almost dying or not telling you about it?” 

“Oh, do shut up,” Avar says, but there's no heat to it, just affectionate warmth. 

Elzar laughs softly and pulls her down for a gentle kiss. Far too soon, Avar pulls away again and cups his face with her free hand, her thumb gently stroking his cheek. This time it's her who needs him to believe her next words. Her voice is soft yet insistent when she says, “I care about you, El. I don't want you to get hurt. And if you do, I want to be by your side if it's in any way possible. And even if I can't be, I want to at least know, please.” 

Elzar nods, every trace of playfulness gone from his face and replaced by sincerity. “I know, and I promise you, the next time anything of the sort happens to me, I will tell you.” 

Avar nods as well. “Good.” 

A slow smile spreads across his face at that and the tenderness in his eyes is almost overwhelming. Avar thinks if she had a mirror, she'd surely see it reflected in her own eyes. 

Elzar turns his head and presses a gentle kiss to the inside of her wrist, and she feels the familiar warmth spread in her chest once again, chasing away the last remnants of distress. 

She leans down to press her lips to his once again, their connection in the Force glowing with love and understanding, making her feel almost giddy. 

The kiss turns heated when Avar slides the hand still cupping Elzar’s check back into his hair, her fingers tangling in the soft strands, pressing her lips to his with more urgency. Elzar responds in kind by wrapping his arm around her waist once again and pulling her as close as their current position allows. She feels butterflies in her stomach at that, like when she was seventeen and kissed him for the first time. It amazes her that time and distance haven't dulled the effect he's always had on her in the slightest, but then again, how could they? He's Elzar, after all, her Elzar. 

They don't belong to each other, of course not; there's no possessiveness to their love. But they belong with each other; side by side always. They both know it and the Force rings true with it. 

They break apart, eyes closed and foreheads still pressed together. The kiss has left both of them breathless, as kisses like this often do. Once they've recovered enough to open their eyes and ever so slightly pull away from each other, and Avar really gets to look at him again, she is hit with the realisation of just how beautiful Elzar is like this. She doesn't think there has ever been a moment where she hasn't thought of him as beautiful, but seeing him like this is something else entirely. The dim glow of the overhead lights is reflected in his dark eyes, his hair disheveled from where she ran her hands through it earlier, a soft smile gracing his lips. A sight that's reserved just for her. 

Avar's musings are interrupted when Elzar starts to speak again, his voice still sounding a little breathless. “Avar, I…,” he begins but then trails off, unable to finish his sentence. It doesn't bother Avar. She knows. 

She pulls their still-intertwined hands up to press a gentle kiss to his knuckles, then the back of his hand, then his wrist. She feels his sharp intake of breath more than hears it, and when she meets his eyes, he's gazing at her with a look in his dark eyes Avar can't quite place. Later, she will come to recognise it as pure, unfiltered devotion. 

“Stars, Avar,” he murmurs. 

Elzar seems to know exactly what she's thinking—or maybe he just shares the sentiment—because he kisses her again, his hand slipping under her shirt to gently caress the bare skin of her waist. It's an exquisite kiss, and for the moment Avar allows herself to get lost in it, in this, until the only thoughts in her head are how lovely it is to feel so at peace, and Elzar. Always, always Elzar. 

“What is it?” she asks. For a split-second, she's scared she's overstepped, but Elzar just shakes his head and leans up to brush his lips against hers in a tender kiss that ends far too quickly for her liking. If it were up to her, he'd never stop kissing her, she thinks, only slightly bothered by the fact that she sounds like a character in one of those stereotypical Jedi romance novels Kantam and her used to read to each other for fun in their Padawan days. 

[verstappen-cult]

F1 ASKS !

i should be sleeping but this was more fun, and couldn’t wait to answer it. thank you @arieslost for the tag! i’m not tagging anyone but if you see this and want to answer it you definitely should do it! <333

who is your favourite driver?

max verstappen, if you couldn’t tell. from the moment i knew of his existence until the day that i die. everything about him is just so interesting and amazing. he’s such a talented and nice and just awesome person! you may not like him and that it’s totally okay, everyone has their own preferences, but no one can’t deny how talented and dedicated he is.

do you have other favourite drivers?

oh yes, definitely! charles leclerc is at the top of my list along with max, obviously. and i also like lando, probably not gonna call him one of my fav drivers but i like him a lot.

who is your least favourite driver?

uh, carlos sainz. there’s just something about him that i don’t like and feel uncomfortable with. i’ve tried so! hard! to like him but i just can’t & it is very annoying for me. i won’t deny that he has done a pretty good job. but i’m gonna leave it at that.

do you pull for drivers or do you like teams as well?

mostly for drivers. for me it’s basically where max and charles wanna go, i’m going with them. but i’ve come to love ferrari because really who doesn’t love ferrari?

if you like teams, what team do you pull for?

just ferrari. because i’ve come to realize that i was cheering for red bull just because max is there, so that doesn’t count bc i would not care about them if it weren’t for him lol.

how long have you been into F1?

since sept/oct 2023. i watched the japan gp with a friend and then i slowly began getting into f1. but i think it was qatar that made me a fan. and when i start liking something i become obsessed, so, here i am!

what got you into F1?

it was thanks to my only and only @18ls because she literally texted me to watch the japan gp and i said yes and the boom! the rest is history. it was pretty cool because we’re basically glued together and we both became obsessed with f1. ari te amo eris la mejor de toda la vida. TE AMOOOOO.

do you enjoy fanfic/RPF?

oh yes, absolutely. girl, i’m here writing fanfiction and feeding into my delusions because it’s the only way i can be happy.

how do you view new fans?

i love new fans. i’m still pretty new to the world of formula one too and i love that more and more people are getting into this amazing sport. i also love that most of them are females! it is such a nice and awesome thing to see.

if you could take over as team principal for any team, who would it be and why?

i think if fred vasseur and i joined our brains we could make a good pair and bring ferrari back to life. or red bull because we don’t want that man there, we actually don’t want him on this planet but we can’t do much about it.

are your friends and family into F1 as well?

i have friends that are into f1 but not my family. my nephews like to ask me things about it but that’s as far as they go. but i’m pretty happy with my friends because we can be happy and upset together, & i don’t have to suffer alone.

are you open to talking to other fans/making friends?

yes, i love making new friends! even more so if we get to talk about our fav things and don’t feel judged at all because we are basically as unhinged as the other. so please feel free to pop in my inbox or ask box if you want to chat! <333

[palestickyprinces]

on my hands and knees begging for a family tree (or multiple ones!!) for your original hotd/asoiaf characters...

anon your hand in marriage immediately. how did you know about my one true passion. reveal yourself in my dms within three days else you'll start to cough

some of these are way more in depth because i. well. i only just made some (cough the tullys and martells cough) while others i worked for a day or two on. the targaryen ones look weird bc this site doesnt like incest (or even when two siblings marry another set of siblings). i will put it under a read more lest it take 5 days to scroll past

me looking at anon

we're just gonna go in order of how i have them saved el oh el. also i was gonna link the trees but then realized anyone can edit them and i dont trust people not to fuck up my hard work so now you have to suffer my shitty screenshots. sorry

Maryce Redwyne

(ignore the fact it links to aemond, its just how the site works) now this one is a little weird bc i never fully committed to when it takes place in her canon so some people are dead who shouldnt be some people arent dead who should be etc... also daeron doesn't exist here cuz uhhh. well. i just never put him in.

this verse is also the ones my ocs vaerra targaryen and alyssa targaryen (of pentos), but i ended up removing them since its really maryce's story and i didnt want to include them for like two appearances worth of time

you may notice she has a child who's formerly gone entirely unmentioned...

Lorea Baratheon

this one is straightforward its just the canon family tree plus lorea. i have various other ocs and possible cousins in mind for her story but i dont think any are included in this. however i did go insane adding practically the entire lannister and baratheon/targaryen family trees theres like 60+ people in this one

House Errol

never mentioned these guys (because i forgot they existed) but theyre fairly important players in lorea's story, she runs into the kingswood after (spoiler!) her mom tries to 🗡 her and ends up at haystack hall. sebastion ends up agreeing to let her stay, then as the war continues is the one to push her to claim the throne. totally not because he wants to be her hand and marry his son to her. who would ever do that.

House Mallister

theres a couple more piper cousins/siblings in law on the other side lyman but thats fine. lyman has a wife named lynette swann and i never decided if his name would remain lyman. also i forgot to ever name one of elinor's brothers in law oops

after the hashtag scandal of elinor having a bastard baby her mom gets her brother lucas to marry his son to elinor and elinor is shipped off to pinkmaiden forever. sad!

Ellyn Hightower + Daemion & Alyssa

considering daemion didnt even have his own tag until like yesterday i dont think i ever shared that he's criston's son so. spoiler! theres nothing like giving your affair baby nearly the same name as your husband ❤️ also daeron is again not here. sorry. would be funny to include him just for the sake of the recent headcanons about criston being his daddy tho. when ur cousin is also ur brother and its not even from the incest side of the family

(im not actually doing that. daeron will probably just not be included. unless i really like him when s3 comes out in a decade)

all the stuff to the side is just canon targ bullshit i added

House Tully

these crop weird on tumblr oops. click on em to see it better. i made alys larys's sister bc i just thought being tortured by ur sister in law is funnier than aunt etc. i considered naming zoe and elmo's dad ernie

House Martell

alia and aelyx are twins <3 i did not add all of daeron's various descendants or ancestors because frankly theres kind of a lot of them and again this site hates incest and it starts looking funny real quick. given more time i mightve added them and the great bastards and all but this is what you get for now

maron said their first kid could have a targy name since they'd be a martell either way so daenerys insisted he give the second one a dornish name and then with the twins they just followed their previous pattern of girl gets dornish boy gets targy. these guys are arguably the happiest family of ocs i got

maron had a paramour before wedding daenerys and he sent her away before the marriage because he knew daenerys would take offense to it, and he didn't want to risk the still fairly new targ-martell alliance, or risk angering daeron, which could theoretically pose a risk to maron's own sister. the family's one real conflict is that the paramour has a son who later shows up claiming he's maron's REAL oldest child and that aeron is actually a blackfyre. thankfully the dornish are not stupid and basically just go ????? before kicking the kid out. well actually a lot more happens than just that but yk how it is. that plotline is also only barely existant. i havent even read a knight of the seven kingdoms yet

if you actually read all this then YAYYYYY come be my friend pls. or just send me more asks about my ocs. i love answering questions and talking for way too long i NEED more asks

[earthly-ali3n]

i think the biggest reason kataang never sat right with me is because it wasn’t really satisfying for either of their individual arcs.

Aang always seemed to be more infatuated with katara than actually in love with her. Aang thought she was beautiful and strong, and she spends all of her time helping him train and fight. she protects him and cares for him, of course he has a crush on her. but it always seems like a childish desire, even in the 3rd season. aang should have let go of katara in the final fight, it felt like kind of a cop out to hit that rock. aang spends the whole series at war with himself over being the avatar, something he never wanted but was his destiny nonetheless. it would have been more satisfying (in my opinion) to see him fully accept the role of avatar at the end of the show, and know he was content with his destiny. Aang had so much responsibility at both the avatar and the last airbender, as well as so much trauma from spending his first year conscious after being frozen for 100 years immediately fighting and training in the war. for him to end the show in a relationship, and achieving that relationship being his ultimate happy ending just seemed very shallow for everything he had gone through.

for katara, i really feel like she settled. and i’m not going to bring any other ship into this, because there are pros and cons to all of them, so don’t take this as comparing ships or trying to say one is better than the other.

Aang did not understand nor accept katara. to not understand someone is one thing, but aang would not try to even accept katara if her feelings were vengeful, angry, etc. he preached forgiveness and being the bigger person, but that is not what katara needed from him. aang could never be a comfort to her because he couldn’t accept wanting revenge and holding grudges were valid feelings to have when you suffered what she did. and of all the people in the show, aang SHOULD be the one who understands the most. he is the last airbender, she is the last waterbender in the southern water tribe. the survivors guilt weighs heavily on them both. when aang lashes out in the avatar state, it is always katara who bring him down to earth, just by being there! but aang could never do that for katara. he had to turn it into a moral lesson, he could not help but preach to her when all she needed was for him to be there with her while she got her anger out. zuko did not have to do anything to comfort or convince katara not to give into her anger and take someone’s life. he just had to be there, to back her up and not judge her. she made the choice to leave on her own. she had to make that choice on her own, and aang was just not emotionally mature enough to let her do that. and he still wasn’t able to comprehend why she would let him live if she didn’t forgive him. katara wasn’t raised a pacifist like him. she raised herself, and her older brother. she had to be strong, and it took her looking her mother’s murderer in the eyes to realize that she didn’t have to kill him to be stronger than him. she didn’t need to kill him to make sure he would never hurt anyone again, he was already incapable. it’s the same choice aang made when he took ozai’s bending.

basically the point of this ramble is that i think katara deserved someone who could put her first, who could understand her, and who wouldn’t judge her anger. and aang is none of those things. he is the avatar, and katara would spend her whole life fulfilling HIS mission to bring balance. she was put into the role of caregiver over and over again. it was natural to her at that point, but i think she deserved to be selfish in at least one of her relationships.

edit: i’m not tagging this anti-kataang bc i’m not an anti. this is literally just me wishing that he had grown up a little and showed the same emotional maturity towards katara that she showed him

[deathfavor]

@deiscension said: holding a mic out for the commentary you mentioned in the tags of your last reblog

You are opening a can of worms. A bucket in fact. But i shall take them and go fishing and chatter away to the wind. ( And break it down muse wise so ppl can skip muses they don't care about. )

POST IN QUESTION.

So by FAR, those who relate to that the strongest are Lamia, Ling Wen, and Seiroku

He Xuan and Earl are more middle

Izana is the least but not for the reasons you might think. And as a bonus I'll mention Sekhmet bc she's interesting for why she ISN'T despite being vengeful.

I'll put this under a read more because this is turning out very long, way longer than I anticipated.

LAMIA does NOT forgive. She is the epitome of resent and remember if you've done wrong to her. She WILL hate you and she WILL enjoy your suffering. In fact, she probably purposefully has made your suffering worse. Go to hell might be too nice of a way out. Why not suffer here and THEN go suffer in hell for all eternity? She'll make sure she makes you suffer more when she gets to hell too. ( She's under no illusion she'd end up anywhere else if there is an afterlife. )

LING WEN also is very vindictive. It's beating a point to a pulp but we SAW what she did with annihilating Jing Wen's existence. ( And with help from Pei Ming in the process of destroying + her terrorizing his followers. ) Ling Wen.....does not forgive. Granted, those around her never would apologize. Not really. Pei Ming and Shi Wudu are probably the only exceptions and SOLELY because she knows if they did something, it was not on purpose and their apology would be sincere. Anyone else though?? Absolutely not. They can go through the agonies of feeling their very souls destroyed and she will sit with a cold, uncaring expression even if she does greatly enjoy seeing those who've wronged her or made her suffer now suffering.

AT THE SAME TIME !! Ling Wen has a hard time with herself after book 5 (or 8 or whatever the official is listen i follow the pre-official release versions okay) but when she essentially keeps her job because......literally no one else can run the Heavenly Realm and all the paperwork and such. Truly success is a burden. But in all seriousness, especially with Pei Ming......his forgiveness to her is a bitter pill. She never wanted HIM to suffer, she even invited him to their side in the final battle just to ensure he'd be safe. He forgives her and moves past it, but I think Ling Wen has a hard time. She never hurt him, she never wanted to hurt him, but being on opposing sides was hard. Mercy & Forgiveness can be HARD to swallow. ( Tbh i can ramble forever about this but i think this makes my point. Her rejection of forgiveness also is a sword over her own head. )

SEIROKU is interesting because in general, this only applies to Bushi. He can never forgive the Bushi as a whole, as a group. A lot of this comes from his personal experience, and it cemented itself as a core part of his personality. Especially after he died and his heart was replaced with the Black Hearts that amplify desires ; his is revenge and death to all Bushi. As a whole, Seiroku will always hate Bushi. The Date clan is the EXCEPTION, not the rule. When it comes to someone who isn't a Bushi though, Seiroku can be forgiving. He's not often in a situation where he needs to, but anyone else - a farmer, a seamstress, whoever, he is more inclined to forgive. So Brittney, why is he on the strongest? Because Seiroku's held this hatred and unforgiving attitude to the Bushi for over 100 years now. He WON'T let it go, at this point, he CAN'T let that intense hatred go.

HE XUAN is in the middle because if you are important to him, he can forgive. He might remember, he might put distance, but he CAN forgive. Especially when he cares about you. It might take time, he needs to think about it and mull it over, and the person needs to put in effort to show they genuinely are apologetic and deserve his forgiveness. His forgiveness comes in incriments. The potential is there. But he DOES lean heavily towards strongly relating.

He Xuan cannot forgive the crimes against him, his family, his fiancée. All who suffered not because of their fortune, not because THEY did anything wrong, but because HE XUAN'S fate was stolen. And their fates were tied with his. In truth? This is one of the most painful and intense sources of pain from He Xuan. He could have endured prison, an agonizing death, being broke, he could have endured countless sufferings. He might have been angry, but he wouldn't have been as powerful of a ghost as he ended up becoming. But BECAUSE the fact is that all of the people he loved suffered EXCRUCIATING fates because of his fate being stolen, his anger grew into something extremely intense. It didn't JUST effect him. It affected the people he cared about most. He became entirely hellbent on revenge despite having no clues for a long time. He can never forgive Shi Wudu.

And I think a part of him will always resent Shi Qingxuan. Despite it not being SQX's fault, there's a bitterness because, theoretically, had SQX's family listened, SWD and SQX would have still lived good lives because of family wealth. He Xuan was born into extreme poverty even BEFORE the fate switching. And it's not SQX fault but how can he not suffer and subconsciously resent knowing this person having HIS fate is why those he's loved perished in horrible ways? That SQX gets to laugh and enjoy life while blissfully unaware none of it is deserved? He genuinely does intend to never cross paths again if he can help it by the end.

EARL also is heavily towards the strongly agreeing side. He is a very distrustful person as it is, everyone around him knows it. It's important; his wariness and distrust has helped keep Legion powerful and ahead of all the other gangs and groups. He's always steps ahead of everyone else for this very reason. He gives his trust to very few. And if he gives it and you break it? It's over. He will not give it again. Earl may trust in someone's SKILL or an ABILITY or TALENT, but he will not trust THEM as a person. Go to hell indeed, he's never letting them close.

There are very few exceptions to this. Horo and Zoya are primarily the only two that he could change this. Because ultimately, he cares for them more than most other things. Horo is, genuinely, what Earl cares about above all else. Above Legion, above Zoya, he might not seem like it and people might never guess it, but Earl would do anything for his little sister. He really is a good big brother like that. If she did something....Earl could forgive her. He might be upset, but he could and would forgive. And the same goes for Zoya. He is more likely to express his anger or displeasure, but there's very few things she could do that would make him not be able to forgive her. Anyone else would be very heavily dynamic dependent. Earl can trust and care a lot, but he can also turn cold and abandon it if the trust break truly is something severe. ( Something silly however he might be annoyed but not care about. He WILL remember it though if you try to prank him. Few have ever succeeded. )

IZANA KUROKAWA is the least in agreement with this, but not for the reasons you think. Simply put? Izana doesn't trust people to begin with. There are VERY, VERY, VERY few people he genuinely trusts, and even that can fluctuate with how stable his mental state it. I would say MAYBE two at most are who he trusts. So if you fuck up? It's over. Izana will ANNIHILATE you - there won't be anything left to grant forgiveness to. Izana genuinely has no comprehension for people's limits. At 12 he hurt people so bad they were permanently disabled - kids and adults - as revenge. Not to mention what Izana drove the ringleader of the group that attacked him to do. He'll send you to hell personally. He's the least in agreement solely because you wouldn't be around TO be forgiven. He doesn't want you around and no one is going to disobey him.

SEKHMET is the most interesting to me tbh. Because as a goddess, if you piss her off, she WILL curse your entire bloodline for the entire length of its existence. Changing names doesn't change your blood, it will follow you and she will make sure the curse is effective thousands of years later. She's a VERY vengeful goddess if you earn her wrath. You will pray for oblivion because everything truly will be suffering.

But Brittney, then why is she not included?

For the same reason: Because she's a goddess. If you give enough quality offerings to her, if you do great feats in her honor or attribute them to her, if you celebrate immensely, beg and plead and praise her above others - she will forgive you. Maybe not YOU, but she will remove the curse from the rest of your bloodline, so your children and grandchildren and so on will not suffer because of you. THAT is mercy from a god. If you TRULY dedicate everything to her, if you are skilled enough, she might remove a curse from you herself, turn you into a champion for her and ensure glory to you and her name. This is mercy from a god. Sekhmet's wrath is on a WHOLE different level from humans or even from someone like He Xuan's wrath, but she ultimately can be appeased and grant a god's definition of forgiveness. Remember; she is a goddess. A god and a mortal's definition of forgiveness may not be the same, but it is still forgiveness.

[levbolton]

It is I, anon from earlier today and I can now in confidence tell you that your fics have broken me down into nothingness.

Not only am I stupid and cannot read tags but I repeatedly let myself be comforted by your writing only to be hit with the sad truth at the end. You can’t keep getting away with this /j .Your style is so unique and I can feel the passion you have for the characters as you can see their inner turmoils on the writings. I love how you bring them to life

My personal favourite is Monologue (which is highly underrated btw). I love the dynamic between Fumi and Maki plus Fumi talking about her day made me smile so much. Then cane the gut wrenching feeling about Maki. Honestly you managed to balance the fluff with the angst out so well and I really adored it.

To conclude this annoying fan’s rambling, you are my favourite blue period writer and such a great storyteller. I know how you’ve stated that the fandom is quite inactive (cause it is) but your presence manages to be so outstanding to me. I don’t know why I was too nervous to follow now but I might as well write my letter of appreciation so it can be covered by the bots.

I hope you are able to continue doing what you love and have a great rest of day. 🙃

thanks op, kinda figured bcs i have emails from ao3 and your usernames match

personally 'monologue' is quite the lackluster for me, i wanted to use the concept, i think i wanted to make it about ytyt with yotasuke that would tell yatora about the summer festival only to reveal at the end that yatora was unconscious the whole time so yotasuke wasn't talking with anyone, i got the idea while working on 'a psychological take' (where i wrote already a summer festival so it felt unnecessary to do it again) and at the same time i wanted to write fumimaki (bcs there's literally nothing for this married couple, almost canon i'd say, more canon than ytyt), so i combined both, i was still in a phase where i wanted to kill all characters and make them suffer which i think i did a lot and now i just want to write them relax and be happy (writing depression is hard), so it's not really that original inside my head, but im glad at least someone else likes it (for me billy of tea was way more fun to think about)

tbh i've been thinking about moving on from blp for quite a few months already but i simply can't find something else to interest me the same way ytyt does, which sucks bcs if i don't write then no one will write stuff, rn i want to finish this fic i'm sorking on (i hope i get to 100k), then a oneshot about ytyt soulmates and another oneshot about miki and ayano only, then idk, i think it would be good to retire (not to be petty actually, but i did write 40% of the words in the yatoyota tag on ao3)

fandom isn't really only inactive, it is now a bit (i continuously try to collect blp fans here and on twt, the more the merrier), but i just felt ignored since the anime was airing, again maybe it was the bad timing bcs i started posting my first fic towards the end of the anime when people lost the interest bcs that adaptation is horrible, then in february yamaguchi had covid and from march to july it was complete hiatus and then the whole dj drama (which i'd lie if i said the mob mentality to drop it didn't affect me too although i was the one to uncover the doujinshis on my own weeks before it got to twitter, anyway my idea was: this isn't a piece of media i care about and i am already deeply in love with blue period so whatever, my respect for yamaguchi decreased and i got a passive aggressive attitude towards her until she posted the new year ytyt picture with bunnies this january, now i seriously don't care abt whatever else she drew - also damn i'm really side railing with this)

thanks again for your support, sorry for the long unnecessary text lmao, i have too much free time

[catty-words]

"i think the disconnect comes from the way fandom uses words like 'racist' to build cases about how it's Objectively Wrong for anyone to like a certain character" YES omg people say it like its an essentialist part of a character, like they did something shitty?? well that means they are a literal devil spawn and if you like them you are TRASH!!! but like is actually mostly an action (like you said, a BEHAVIOR)???? that people CAN get better and do better??

"giving the time of day to people who aren't engaging sincerely with the text" this is a great definition of what so many people do, i will definitely snuggle with my kitty in my echo-chamber in guilty-free now, thanks

"forced me to sit with that disappointment for over a year." yeah, i supposed i would feel similarly had i watched one season at the time too. personally because besides devi lack of agency, ben is just so off. paxton was the highlight, besides nirmala and aneesa, that made the season worth it, but like... i feel like season 2 ben is just there to suffer from beginning to end, if at least he was less of a victim of devi's cheating and more of a cunt about it i wouldnt feel so sad, but like you said, its like he had no defects that season and i'm like 😭😭 wheres my little shit from season 1? i dont know if i would survive sitting with season 2 ben for a year tbh you are so strong and resilient babe

"you may already know that i'm writing a long-form follow-up with 'bitty spark' acting as the prologue since it sounds like you picked through my blog a bit" i actually didnt cuz i tend to avoid wip fics like the plague unless i'm close friends with the author cuz then if they abandon the work i can just ask where they planned to go with and satiate my curiosity aksjwkajai but now that i know its the continuation of my fave fic of yours i went through the whole tag and i'm like. DESPERATELY NEEDING IT. like you've been working on it for ages frr you poor thing :(( but simultaneously i'm like IF SHE DOESNT POST LIKE ASAP IM FLYING OUT THERE AND PULLING HER FEET AT NIGHT 😡😡

"thank you for fueling my vanity and for stopping by my askbox in the first place!" no thank you for answering my question it was eating me alive, i just wanted to contextualize and make sure you knew i wasnt like a ben apologist who see him as someone who cant do no wrong but when you had questions of your own i just had to answer them pakspksosk and i love to fuel people's vanity!!! you deserve to be vain, you are giving great stories for nothing besides the shits and giggles!!! i have a hard time interacting in tumblr bc of some dumb insecurities but i just really had to answer you, i thought you would just politely and objectively answer my question but instead you gave me an opportunity to sing you praises without all my tumblr-ity baggage so... thank YOU.

this is a great definition of what so many people do, i will definitely snuggle with my kitty in my echo-chamber in guilty-free now, thanks - perfect. give your kitty a kiss on their perfect little head for me.

yeah, i supposed i would feel similarly had i watched one season at the time too. - mm-hmm, and most people i'm friends with in the fandom have similarly been in it since the beginning, hence my curiosity about your own experience. i'll never know what it's like to take in the series as a whole, it very much is divided up into Eras for me, and it excited/excites me greatly to hear someone else's perspective on the shifting tone.

i feel like season 2 ben is just there to suffer from beginning to end, if at least he was less of a victim of devi's cheating and more of a cunt about it i wouldnt feel so sad, but like you said, its like he had no defects that season and i'm like 😭😭 wheres my little shit from season 1? - dkjsbg exactly!!! 'where's my little shit from season 1', SUCH an important question to be asking!!!

i don't know if you read 'start, acceleration' (my fic where ben teaches devi how to drive), but i was in a scramble to finish it before season 2 dropped and, in retrospect, it's so important that i did (literally posted it the night before) because i can't imagine trying to complete it with s2 ben's characterization in my head. i would have been Distraught.

i dont know if i would survive sitting with season 2 ben for a year tbh you are so strong and resilient babe - and like, thank you. i needed this. 😇

but now that i know its the continuation of my fave fic of yours i went through the whole tag and i'm like. DESPERATELY NEEDING IT. like you've been working on it for ages frr you poor thing :(( but simultaneously i'm like IF SHE DOESNT POST LIKE ASAP IM FLYING OUT THERE AND PULLING HER FEET AT NIGHT 😡😡 - motivation!!! this + plus us knowing the season 3 release date - i'm determined to be posting it by then. like, truly no one is more excited to be sharing this fic than me i've worked so hard on it and it is pretty epic tbh......

no thank you for answering my question it was eating me alive, i just wanted to contextualize and make sure you knew i wasnt like a ben apologist who see him as someone who cant do no wrong - definitely no worries there. clearly you have taste because you miss cunt ben when he's gone!! plus, i obviously love discussing this show, so. your ask was a gift.

you deserve to be vain, you are giving great stories for nothing besides the shits and giggles!!! - 😳🥰🥺 thank you

[speaking-at-the-theater]

TOH REACTION

so first thing first: i misspell a lot. i also swear a lot, if that bothers you, sorry

i havent watched the last two eps of toh so heres me doing it. i’ll compile it all in one post so i wont have to tag 300+ posts, i also use caps a lot.

anyway, let’s go! QUICK DETAIL I ACCIDENTALLY REFER TO COLLECTOR AS HIM HERE I DIDNT NOTICE HE WAS THEY THEM I'LL CORRECT IT AS SOON AS POSIBLE

FOR THE FUTURE! here we go

collector’s happiness overlaid with everyone else’s suffering is so…funny??? idk also ‘it’s like the whole world is singing’ is a cool phrase if it weren’t for the context XD

–

aunt lily to the rescue!!

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LILY NO

–

‘now, what part do i get to play’ horrific scene i want more

also: this is why you don’t give children godly powers. it ends badly!

–

oddly beautiful if not for the corpses

-

i want that as my wallpaper

—

EDA’S REQUIEM!!!!!!

–

you know things are bad when the logo/intro changes

—

‘it’s not like he’ll inexplicably appear if you say his name!!’ hunter have you ever read a fairytale? a myth? the bible??? names have power.

—

oh yeah never mess with a latina mama.

–

it’s cute seeing the kids miss their home

–

through the face??? count me in!!

–

luz is smitten

–

noooooo luz :((((( you’re happier sharing both realms everyone can see it

—

—

anyone know what these are??

–

ah. the bastard is here.

–

CALEB???

–

nooo gus youre making me cryy

–

‘i’m fine, really’ said every character who is not fine in the story of ever

–

the soundtrack in eda’s room scene!!!! i need it!!!!

–

amity’s palisman being a cat fits so well bc cats choose where they go. you cant control them the way you might a dog or a bird, which fits well with the idea of choosing your own path.

—

camila is taking everything so well!! my mom wouldnt last two seconds in the boiling isles. neither would i ofc.

–

is this an animation error or….??

–

some graffiti messages i managed to read:

-(do not) celebrate the day of unity! :( 

- boo belos

-hide ur kids

-run

-they’ll find you!!

-hide

-nope, no, go away

-closed forever

-help

-run

and general sun and moon symbols

-beware the collector

-amelia, cat! (general stuff i cant make out) (infinity train???)

-where is the titan now?

-belos lied

-

these are cute

–

wow that’s creepy

-

i know it’s supposed to be creepy about the collector playing pretend while everyone suffers but- i can’t. the secondhand embarrassment is too much for me.

-

light glyph go??????

-

collectors ‘cool aunt vibe who pretends to be coldhearted but actually cares a lot’ vs luz’s ‘bad but sad boy’

parallels? ey?

-

hmmm yeah that was creepy

-

‘little space cherub’ XDD

-

love how we go from funny new hexside to (ughhhh) belos. 

—

hmm  i would love to analyze the composition of this glyph

–

all the bastard adults trying to take advantage of the collector ughhhhhh

also love the space palace

plus: ‘what do mortals eat again? rocks? fire? gravity?’, unfortunately, collector, we are not stars

–

of course the book is made of rocks. of course.

also king seems…practiced, on reading the book. you gotta wonder how much he knows now about collectors

-

cool how collector is both evil and, yk, a child. bc children are not always innocent. they can be some of the cruelest creatures on the universe (i would know)

–

one has got to wonder about the history told in those walls, meaning i will wonder and theorize. bc that’s what i do.

ok it seems like collector was…surrounded by titans. baby titans, and then a group of older collectors took him in, seeing as theyre smiling and reaching out a hand, instead of banishing him away. they dont look friendly, but it might just be the portrait.

although those first two portraits reveal themselves, at the very end there’s something else

 unfortunately i have no idea what it is. i dont think the repetition is an animation error or shortcut. if it were, why only repeat two times and change at the very end, where it is unlikely to be noticed??

 again, portraits repeat, except for a star in the middle.

......i wanna theorize on this. maybe on another post.

collectors doing something to a planet and our collector watching, wanting to join in, but probably rejected (the whole portrait section had a lot of images but it surpassed tumblrs limit so i deleted them, more on another post, maybe

–

—

—-

—

–

poor raine tho. what’s up with them and people trying to mindcontrol them????

—

poor hooty

–

what’s this, rapunzel?? a tear saves the guy???

–

poor willow tho

–

‘’im gonna assume those are clean’ ma’am cleanness is the last thing you need to worry about now

–

that’s two simultaneous mindcontrollings! raine is on a roll!!

—

“trouble with your team, captain half-a-witch? leading isnt easy is it? all your time is spent helping the team, keeping people from fighting, planning your next move, and titan forbid you show any weakness! everyone else falls apart.

-

fucking kikimora

-

cuando no tienes la chancla, un bate sirve

-

boscha is….ugh. i’m conflicted. i get it but also.she annoys me.

–

everything is under control when everything is not undercontrol my favorite trope

–

poor (????) collector. i know he’s not good but….idk, i feel for him

–

ITSHATCHINGITSHATCHINGHATCHIHATCHINGAAAAAAAAA

—

poor willowwwwww poor kids everyone needs therapy here

—

“luz has a staff, why does that make me nervous?” considering the first impression you got of it……

–

SNAKESHIFTER YESSSSSS ALSO SNAKE PALISMAN FOR LUZ WE WINNIN

i could write poems about how it fits her but just- look. it fits.

-

END CREDITS WHERE AWESOME!!!! Love the snapshots of the things that werent fully explained!! kikimora manipulating boscha during the attack, king being sad at losing eda and lilith and the collector…..emphathizing?? of a sort??? anyway yeah

[thefanbasewhore]

Missin' You

summary: Din returns the Boba's palace after leaving to find his covert, where you want nothing to do with him. "You left. You left me." Shout-out to @galatially for the prompt!! Thank you ❤️

content: angst, some lovey stuff

paring: din djarin x female reader (only bc I use the term sweet girl)

a/n: AHHH it's been almost a month since I really wrote and it felt so good to be back. My clinical is going well and if anyone wants to send in anymore word prompts that would be appreciated, I'll write them when I can ❤️

Din Djarin Tag list // Din Djarin Master list

Din feels the blood rushing through his veins - heart booming in his ears as his throat dries at his nervousness.

After all this time, here you are. Boba kept his promise. You are safe, healthy and beautiful. Just as beautiful as the day he left. The memory still present as ever with tears in your eyes as you beg him not to leave you here.

He stays in the arch of the hall, watching as you tinker around with what looks to be the after of a ship crash. The dark, damp garage gives little away of what you are really doing but the Mandalorian does not need it.

You seem to light Boba's palace alive, the dark, crumbling edges of stone are no match for you. He couldn't help himself, Boba had told him you most likely didn't want to see him but with the news that you have decided to stay with the older Mandalorian and that you were in fact, still here, he needed to.

Fears quickly filled him the moment he saw you, fear of rejection, fears that you will never forgive him for leaving so abruptly like he did. The Mandalorian leans more of his body weight into the arch but parts of the wall crumble against the weight, pulling your attention from the part to him.

The moment your eyes meet the glint of beskar your heart stops. Biting your bottom lip as hard as you can - trying to hold back the tears that threaten to slip past fluttering eyelashes.

With the awareness he steps forward but it only causes you to stand from your sitting position, turning to find the other exit - any exit as he grows closer and closer.

As you pace towards the other way he reaches out, the fingertips of his gloves brush against the bare skin of your arm. Relishing in how close you are once again. "Hey, hey, stop - stay."

But just as pundgent and bitter as a lemon, you rip from his grasp. Forehead wrinkling as you stare at him with abhorrence, "Don't touch me."

"I'm sorry." He blurts quickly, "I shouldn't have left like I did. I've been thinking all day to what I'm going to say to you and I, - I couldn't think of anything except for that I missed you, sweet girl."

"You don't get to say that - you don't get to call me that, anymore." It's spoken between gritted teeth as you take one more step away from him. "Leave."

"Are you listening to me?" While din has suffered the fire within your personality but he's never seen you so filled with hatred but on the edge of tears. His heart breaking knowing he's the reason, he caused all of this.

Him and his selfish need to stay loyal to the Mandalorian Creed, his own family who has abandoned him. Only now does he realize what a mess he's made of you. While he thought of you often, he thought you'd be better without him.

"You left. You left me." The words make his own eyes water as sobs wreck your check. He feels his own grow extremely tight - almost as if someone had a hand wrapped around his throat, suffocating him.

"I didn't know what to do! I lost my kid, I lost my creed -." He's about to explain how much he thought of you, laid up late at night imagining kisses your lips, rubbing your soft skin and nudging his nose into your hair - smelling the smell of strawberries and flowers.

"You didn't loose me!" The words cause you both to pause. Din knows this, he knows he's the reason for the strain in your relationship. What did he expect? To come back and you'd accept him with open arms after three months of heart break?

One thing you did learn about yourself over the last few weeks is - you don't need him anymore. Boba and Fennec have been training you - showing you the way of protecting yourself and with your knowledge of mechanics, you didn't need anyone - you could make it on your own.

"Don't talk to me again. I owe Boba a debt - he has cared for me when you left. I will stay to handle this spice business but after that. You'll never see me again." Another attempt to exit the room but the Mandalorian can't fight the urge to touch you again. This time his hands are bare - gloves thrown mindlessly to the ground and the moment you look up, his helmet as well.

His hair is longer than the first time you seen his face on the imperial ship - brown locks curling at the ends. Glossy eyes that beg you to listen, to stay. Vulnerable as ever as he brings your hand to his lips to kiss your knuckles.

"You don't have to do this -"

"It's nothing you haven't seen before, this is me. I want you to know that from this point on I am mindlessly, continuously devoted to you and only you." He pauses before inching closer and with the feeling of his lips on your skin, you can't seem to move as brown eyes never leave your own. "You can leave - find yourself and what you want but I will find you eventually. Try everyday until you forgive me."

"You can't do that, Din."

"I can and I will." Despite the heavy armour he wears, he untucks his under tunic and takes your hand to guide it up and under the fabric. Feeling the hotness of his skin, every round and plane of his skin, the thick muscles of his abdomen until the hairs of his chest tickle your fingers. He lays your flat palm against his chest, where his own blankets yours. "My heart hasn't been whole, with you here, despite being so upset with me, only beats for you, my love."

He watches your eyes soften, posture relaxing as if with every tick of his heart is a calming presence but just as quick you pull away, stomping away and out of the room where the Mandalorian smiles. Knowing that this won't be the last time he will see you.

Tags: @victias @altarsw @nikkixostan @xxyoshiplushxx @moonlightnumbsthepainifeel @est19xxshit @owloveyounever @engie115 @dinsbeskar @impala1967666 @akatasukilove @nerdalert-andi @mailee420 @art-flirt @you-and-i-deserve-the-world @thatonedindjarinfan @winter-rxn @@sporadicshoebailifffish @lucifer- @coldlilheart @starsvck @agirlinherhead @lokismidnight @expellopatronum @dinschutta @queenbbarnes @ironbabey @i-ship-it-ironically @tossacoin2yourwitcher @idjitdestiel @curiouskeyboard @kaermorons @carlygrayson @naturalswifty89 @spideysimpossiblegirl @accioalix @banga-sama @permenace @reader-without-a-story @reginagabrielalove @sebastianstanslefteyebrow @daryldixonstorm @greinch @espressopatronum

[relaxxattack]

hi im asking u this bc u seem to be bee duo enthusiast so

ive been calling c! beeduos relationship platonic because i thought that was what their cc’s said, and i thought they had said that they were uncomfortable with ppl shipping the characters. But ive seen a lot of posts that say their relationship is canonically romantic? and i absolutely do not want to come across as homophobic by watering down a mlm relationship to just friends because that happens so much in media so.

what is the canon state of their relationship / ur opinions on the platonic thibg

dont worry abt answering if u dont want to!! i see a lot of differing opinions and i trust yours :)

aw it’s totally fine, im flattered you asked me about this!

let me put it simply: it’s a whole mess, lol.

first im going to talk about what’s happened fandom-wide that caused differing opinions, and then i’ll explain my own opinion/interpretation. :]

(this got really fucking long im so sorry)

ranboo and tubbo initially proclaimed the relationship was romantic, specifically in argument with the wiki editors who had set it as platonic by default. (you can see this in the vod where they decide they’re canonically married— it’s very funny. chat tells them the marriage is already on the wiki, they check, tubbo is jokingly offended that it says platonic and asks if he needs to up the romance).

tubbo also makes jokes about adultry, which sort of implies the relationship is not necessarily a platonic one.

(theres definetly more in that stream alone but it’s been a long time since i watched it so i don’t remember a lot of it.)

the wiki, because of this, suffers from going back and forth on platonic and romantic, seemingly unsure where the joke ends and the canon begins, or if its canonically a joke! a mess, as you can already tell.

this gets more complicated as the marriage bit goes on: outsiders, such as phil and scott, both at one point say “platonic marriage”, which then ranboo and tubbo agree with. however, when chat asks them if they’re platonic, they say the opposite. so there is a lot of confusion there.

there’s also the difficulty of being able to tell streamers and characters apart. ranboo and tubbo both don’t like being shipped irl, and that’s their boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. (they’re also minors, but tbh when they’re 18 in a year i will still be following their boundaries regardless of their legal age).

due to people not wanting to be accused of minor shipping, they started adding the platonic tone indicator to most of their drawings— basically a way of saying “no homo”. meanwhile, tubbo frequently on stream flirts with ranboo and makes quite a bit of nsfw comments towards him that are frankly hilarious.

this goes on for a while with nobody really sure what’s canon, but a lot of people assuming it’s probably platonic, until: the drama of the mods night. a few mods dmed all the wiki editors telling them ranboo wanted his canon character relationship officially set to platonic.

unfortunately for those mods; the very same day, a few hours later, ranboo on stream makes fun of puffy delivering him and tubbo “friendship flowers”. because, and i quote, “bruh. we’re literally married. this must be how the ancient greeks felt.”

in case you don’t know, the internet often jokes about how historians will call ancient greeks ‘very good friends’ when they are quite obviously gay. so in this context, ranboo is joking that people will call him and c!tubbo, who are married, “close friends”, when he doesn’t think they are.

basically, ranboo canonized romantic bee duo, the very same day the mods told everyone he’d wanted a platonic one.

chaos and drama immediately erupted everywhere. on tumblr, we were talking about how weird it was of his mods to do something like that without asking him first. we ALSO talked about how weird it was of them to assume that ranboo can’t make his own decisions, or assume teenagers cannot be in relationships without it being sexual. twitter did the same thing but in the opposite direction: called ranboo mods homophobic, or said they were mad ranboo felt pressured into making a romantic relationship canon ‘just so people could have mlm rep.’

i dont want to go into detail about the drama that happened that night because apparently official people follow me and i dont want to stir it up or have them come “clarify” things. im just saying what we talked about.

ranboo in typical ranboo fashion apologized quickly and seriously. he was deeply sorry for possibly offending anyone with how he’d portrayed his rp relationship with tubbo, and he also assured everyone the mod thing was just a miscommunication.

he said he would talk to tubbo and they’d decide once and for all whether it was platonic or romantic, and then announce so everyone would know.

it’s now been a few months and we've had no word from them on that development. we still have no clue.

-

now, here’s my opinion:

i want to take ranboos word for it that it was a miscommunication with his mods, but... we had it on good authority from people on the wiki team and people in the discord with the mods that (while it was happening) they were really going after the wiki admins, and also made some weird comments about it. that combined with the way ranboo seemingly had no clue (considering he canonized their romance that very same day).... it’s very. sus of the mods.

then there’s the canon we’ve got since then. although occasionally adults in the room have called it a “platonic marriage” and tubbo once (back when it first started) called it a “plankton tectonic” marriage, in roleplay it’s been... kind of not that. tubbo and ranboo make nsfw jokes about each other in character, and their characters also share a master bedroom and bed in the mansion. there's also the way c!tommy really thinks it’s a romance between them as well, and they agree with and play off that— for instance confirming that they “fell in love” when he asked, or ranboo confirming that they “make out on occasion”.

people will still put platonic on their art and posts, imo, because they’re worried about breaking ranboo and tubbo’s irl boundaries by looking like they ship them. or even just being accused of shipping real life minors. and that’s a valid fear to have.

the thing is though: c!bee duo are not cc!bee duo. they’re roleplay characters. cc!bee duo are not okay with being shipped, but they made their characters get canonically married, and call each other “husbands”. so it’s okay to write the word “husband” in your comic without adding “platonic” to it, i promise.

telling the ccs that their characters have to be platonic is... weird. it comes off as not only babying them, but also as saying teens can’t date without it being gross. which isn’t true.

(this is why seeing people overuse “platonic husband” so much bothers me. like, they ARE husbands. you can just say it. what are you trying to hide...?)

-

do i think they’re canonically romantic? ehh, its likely. it’s still okay to interpret them as platonic, because again, it’s hard to tell where jokes end and roleplay begins. like, maybe it’s jokes in the rp too, and c!bee duo are just friends. friends can and should be allowed to make jokes like that with each other! aro & ace marriages exist!

or, maybe it’s actually part of the rp, and they’re very much romantic. we don’t know!

some people say they could be a qpr (queerplatonic romance), which i could see. (a qpr is a relationship that fluctuates between, or can’t quite be sorted into, “romantic” and “platonic”. people in a qpr can do romantic things while having platonic feelings for each other). in my opinion this is a very valid interpretation as well!

-

CONCLUSION (sorry this got so long omfg):

are c!bee duo romantic?

its likely, but you can still interpret them however you like!

should i put /p on bee duo content?

ehhh? i find it annoying when it’s overused (as do others), but if you’re worried you can. its up to preference. putting it too much is weird though

should i put /p on things cc! bee duo do?

no. you’re not the one saying it so you can’t decide the tone tags for that. imagine you said something to your friend and a random stranger came up and was like “haha but that was /p right...?”

can i ship c!bee duo?

mmm. i’m not sure on this one. they are canonically married and very flirtatious, but the ccs don’t like being shipped and they’re close enough to being the ccs that actively shipping might be against boundaries.

can i treat c!bee duo as romantic?

yes. literally just don’t be weird about it. it’s not that hard! you can understand that two characters are husbands without making it weird

here’s the most important thing: boundaries. cc bee duo still haven’t told us what their preferences and canon is about this whole thing.

right now, i am assuming based on what they already show us they’re comfortable with, but! the second they give us any more info! all these opinions will change!

i am only going off what they do. i would never want to cross boundaries at all. i just wish they would make theirs a little more clear.

..... i hope that helped anon, i went way off the rails... i need to go to sleep.

[rynnaaurelius]

Goddammit im so hapoy to have found you, a Luke apologist. I jaut got sucked back into the whole fandom bc of the upcoming series and... i read the original books when i was really young, right, 11,12,13. And yea, Luke was the bad guy!!

But now im actually Luke age. And i know how young everyone actually is. If you put me in charge of a bunch of 12-15 year olds and made me watch them die one after the other; i'd probably side with the side that's AGAINST those making this happen too???

Idk his stance is just so so so understandable. I'm studying to become a teacher rn and being responsible for big groups of young kids - it feels a certain way. It's like... motherly instincts, but not really, but kinda, but definetly extreme protectiveness.

Now did he make some bad choices along the way blablabla, sure yea. But holy hell his position is understandable.

ESPECIALLY! Knowing about New Rome and that alternatives are a possibility, actually, the greeks just aren't getting them??? Nah i'd definetly try and murder all the gods. Viciously.

I don't really know where i'm going with this except that i was scrolling through the Luke tag and one of your posts was like a breath of fresh air in between all the, mostly pretty young, fans that hate on him and everything he every did. So thanks, i guess?

Goddamn, I somehow never got an email for this, so I had no idea this was collecting dust in my inbox. Sorry about that.

Also, you left me rambling, so. . .sorry about that.

And yes. I am more or less the same age Luke was during the series, and I can't imagine the number it would do on you to be responsible for prepping a bunch of preteens and teenagers to face their violent deaths, especially after what he went through with his mother and Thalia.

I left it in the tags of the post that went viral against my will, but Luke's living out a different genre from Percy and company, and I—I would lose my shit, too, if in his position. That's torturous, dystopian shit.

They're kids, damn it.

(And I have. . .many headcanons about Luke Castellan and Camp Jupiter and Greek demigod life expectancies. Most of them not good, all of them trying to square the worldbuilding)

And I find it so difficult to believe that it's a bad person—and not simply a very angry and hurt person—who sets out to do really questionable things to try and keep another kids from suffering and dying, to prevent anyone else from becoming himself.

There's a certain despair through it and Luke's choices; I really, really have my doubts over whether Luke genuinely believed that he would survive the war, either way.

Raging against the dying of the light and all that. He knows he will likely fail, he knows he's propping up a monster, and he's doing it anyway in this desperate attempt to create something different.

This makes Percy so important because he still thinks that as family and as people, the gods can change—just look at his conversation with Hermes at the end of TLO.

There's a faith he very understandably keeps (Poseidon is, by godly standards, a good dad who tries and that's important), a faith that Luke, in turn, has understandably lost and we see Hermes's grief and regret over that loss.

Luke's last change in heart, his choice to believe in Percy, in how to break this cycle of violence and abuse that's been eating demigods alive, is beautiful and kills me every time.

(Requisite note that this final choice takes on a different timbre considering the events of HoO)

He's lost everything—his mother, Thalia, Annabeth, any semblance of a home he ever had. Which is how I think he justifies Kronos, ultimately, I think. He's lost any hope he has, for himself or otherwise, and is intent on making the gods pay for what they've done.

Like every other tragic hero, he penned his own tragedy, knowing what was going to happen the whole time, which kills me.

He walks into his own end and, at the end, finds that last thing at the bottom of Pandora's jar—Hope.

[saintless-star]

nightowl angst | bpd au

i never do these but my brain has found something to fixate on so here we are

so i def headcanon nightowl as having bpd. (listener is his fp; he splits on them/others; his emotions are sudden, extreme, and polarised, he suffers from intense fear of abandonment; rejection sensitivity dysphoria?; intense anger; self destructive behaviour and coping mechanisms (e.g. excessive drinking); i could go on. i could write an essay. maybe i will. but not now.)

so like. i was thinking,,, of some nightowl angst. with a sprinkling of some more bpd traits in there. [pls be mindful of your own triggers, this is angsty, take care of your noggin pls!! if i miss any triggers in the tags, lmk asap! also like. spoilers.]

nightowl & bloomic are all belonged to @robobarbie and team!!

so. events of nightowl’s route go ahead as per. but what if he doesn’t believe you in the end? 

maybe at first, in the moment, especially bc you’re his fp, he is filled with the most intense joy when you tell him you like him back. with everything that happened, he expected you to leave or at the very least scream and yell. but you didn’t. you had actually listened and understood and still liked him through it all. it was a fucking miracle.

or a lie.

as soon as you log off for the night, the thoughts come. that you were actually just pitying him. that you felt sorry for him. that you didn’t want to hurt him, because you were too kind to ever hurt anyone. he had made you feel bad, by projecting all of his shit onto your words, and now you were walking on eggshells to try to appease him. shit. fuck. 

he avoids the server for a few days. he sees the pings coming in, from june, from onion, from you. he ignores them. the shame, the embarrassment, is too much. they probably all knew by now. that you had agreed to date him out of pity. you didn’t even need to say it outright; they’d all seen how he’d treated you, and could put two and two together. you’d agreed out of sympathy. out of fear.

fuck. his fucking parents were right. onion was right. everyone was. he was useless, and damaged, and nothing could change that, no matter how hard he tried. 

and then another thought crept in. what if you truly did like him the same way? what if it wasn’t out of any sort of moral obligation, but genuine feelings? somehow, it just made him feel worse. because it was inevitable that he would fuck up again. his jealousy would get the best of him. or he would read too much into your messages again, and blow up at you. or he would fail, or relapse, and have to face your disappointment in him. oh jesus. 

no. no matter what the situation was, it would be better if he just cut things off. he couldn’t handle the pity, and he couldn’t handle hurting you again. there was no way this would work. 

he logs on one last time. goes into your private channel.

i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have told you that i like you. i’ll only hurt you. we should let this go.

you don’t even get a chance to respond before the bloombot announces he’s been removed from the server. the other channels explode with concern. where is he? what happened? y/n? where did he go?

no number to call. no name to search. he was gone. he was gone forever.

[clever-little-songbird]

.✦+* Arrival *+✦.

Some people long for a life that is simple and planned... Tied with a ribbon,

Raine sang softly to themself as they worked, tidying up the mess that their house had become over the course of the day. Usually, it was Eda's habit after the kids had retreated into their rooms, but she had passed out on the couch and Raine, not wanting to wake her with how exhausted she had seemed, had simply moved her to their room and went to the task themself.

Some people won't sail the sea 'cause they're safer on land... To follow what's written-

They picked up King's strewn collection of recovered stuffed animals, returning them to the pile they belonged in. They made sure Francois was on top so the young titan could find him without digging in the morning.

But I'd follow you to the great unknown...

They knelt down and picked up a discarded hoodie, likely Luz or Hunter's, and folded it, moving to the shelf and laying it down so they could return it to them in the morning.

Off to a world we call our own-

They were about to turn again when they noticed something rather strange: the floor beneath them appeared to be glowing. They looked down, brow furrowed in puzzlement.

...wha-?

They were cut off by a sharp cry of surprise as the ground suddenly swirled away from beneath them, sending them falling in what looked like a blue sky. Frantic, they tried to reach out and grab something, anything.

-W-WAIT, WAIT- EDA-!

They screamed as the ground fell away from them, unable to understand what was happening. Their attempts at saving themself failed, looking up at the closing portal in panic as they fell.

// Ramble below the cut lol

Open rp! But tagging @purple-steven @bubble-steven (Or any alts!) @some-mirror-child @shattered-ecilpse-varian (Or alts) @sun-and-moon-sb @corvid-steven @eyepatch-child @anyone, my mind is blank asdfghjkjhb

Okay I-

This is Scarlet if you couldn't tall already. I... I caved. I just love them, okay? They are the source of my unrealistic transition goals.

Anyway! This takes place post-series events in a world where they and Eda are married and live together with Luz, King, and Hunter as their kids- (Hunter is also in joint-custody with Darius bc I said so-) (OH also Luz can travel between worlds and lives with Eda and Raine on weekends ALSO BECAUSE I SAID SO-)

Im so sorry, this account is just so self-indulgent asdfgyuioijhbv-

I think they might be the first of my characters who doesn't suffer from heavy mental scarring-

Lets see how fast we can change that :)

I think they're also my oldest character, not including Onyx-

Anyway! Raine looks like this if you don't know lol

(Credit)

[chrisevansgoodgirl]

killing peggy carter

summary: you want revenge bc steve’s a bitch. (happy times, save for steve’s disappearance. everyone’s alive tho)

warnings: a darker steve. rough smut, a little questionable at times. a lot of angst bc i was in a mood.

pairing: steve rogers x reader, peggy carter x reader for a sec, and some steve x peggy ( 🤢 )

word count: about 9,800

a/n: not tagging anyone bc no one asked for this, i literally just wrote it like forever ago and decided to post it bc i haven’t posted in forever. also, if you go back far enough on my blog, you will see that i watch riverdale and honestly, i came up with this title before jughead wrote his emo story in the finale.

When Steve left, it was nothing short of devastating.

Your world had stopped. How could it not? You had been under the impression that someone was in love with you as much as you were in love with them. And god, you were so damn in love with Steve Rogers.

It had been a year and it still hurt just like it had that first day. You were better at hiding it now, using that as the only entertainment in your life. Being an Avenger wasn’t the same as it used to be. The world was good, you weren’t needed. Especially not while all these feelings of anger and resentment were growing inside you.

When Steve left, he took a lot. He took your heart, your soul, your fucking will to love and let yourself be loved, and he took your ability to be a hero. No hero had the darkness you had. No hero stayed out most nights dancing in sweaty and noisy clubs, being groped by strangers she couldn’t even take home because she was the definition of damaged. You had trust issues for days, and they weren’t going anywhere any time soon, if ever.

Bucky tried to help and sometimes, you had the energy to fake it. It always made him so happy to see you smiling or just talking to other men who clearly were attracted to you. But nothing would come of it. You couldn’t believe a word that any one of them said.

Steve used to look at you, tell you he loved you, tell he needed you, that he couldn’t do any of this without you. Then he had the chance to go back to Peggy Carter and he took it in a second, no hesitation. He didn’t even say goodbye.

You stayed out on the lake for three months, figuring he’d just gotten tied up. He would come back, you told yourself that every night. What finally broke you was when Nat and Bucky sat you down and told you it wasn’t going to happen. You’d always known but with confirmation from the two people that knew him best, you had to face reality. He’d left you and he wasn’t coming back.

It was a huge hit to your self-esteem. Maybe if you had been prettier. Smarter. Stronger. Better. But you were just you. Petty, small, aching. Ironically, that was how he had found you as well. The Avengers liked to bring in team members who had already been through too much. You hadn’t realized how vulnerable your past trauma made you to their type of coercion. You would do anything any of them asked. With Steve, it was different. More. And he had always known.

There was this pain in your chest that never went away. Sometimes you woke up gasping in the middle of the night, usually after a nightmare. It was as if there had been a hand around your neck. But there wasn’t because you were as alone as anyone could possibly be.

You didn’t mind it anymore. Hell, it was the only thing that you still had left of Steve. You burned everything else and not even that made you feel better. This was all much to Bucky’s dismay.

You would never tell a soul that you couldn’t part with his sketchbooks, that you had them hidden in a box underneath your bed. It was no one’s right to know. This pain was your own, the only thing you still had possession of.

You hadn’t been touched in his absence, even by yourself. It reminded you of all those times he would kiss along your skin and sing praises to your beauty. Sometimes, you wished you were ugly. Sometimes, you wished you could just get so ugly that no one would even want to look at you.

But that was not the case. You were that beautiful, strong, and caring woman Steve had fallen in love with, so they claimed. You were their responsibility. Their project. They would get you through this if it was the last thing they did. Nat, Bucky, and Sam tried merely out of their loyalty to Steve. Tony followed that lead and that meant Peter tried as well as he could. Wanda, still consumed by her own lost love, attempted, but she was probably the only person who could see you for what you were.

Thrown out trash. Abandoned, sharp pieces that could and would cut anyone who tried to help. You hated all the rest of them for not seeing it. You hated all the rest of them because in their eyes, you were still Steve’s girl.

You no longer had a boyfriend, a family, or friends. He took all of that away from you. And one day, when you were so sick of having nothing to do but feel sorry for yourself, you decided that you were going to return that favor.

Steve Rogers deserved to be just as heartbroken and empty as you. It drove you crazy. He had been the one to pursue you. He had been the one to insist that you were his, even said you were the best thing to ever happen to him.

Talking Bruce into helping was laughably easy. You claimed to need closure. You claimed you just wanted to know that Steve was happy. You wanted to tell him you forgave him. Bruce hadn’t seen you look this happy in a long while so he did what anyone would and said yes.

You wanted to wait. Steve was always so sentimental, the anniversary of the day he met Peggy was probably a day of extreme affection in their house. He probably made her breakfast, bought her some piece of jewelry that she wouldn’t even like, and spent all day telling her how much he loved her. You wanted to crash the party.

Part of you wished there was another way to do this, but there just wasn’t. Killing Peggy was the only way to take anything from him, and you had these dark fantasies that he would then kill you in retaliation. What a beautiful way to go, you hoped he would strangle you. You hoped he would set you on his lap one final time, wrap his hands around your neck, and stare into your eyes until you were gone.

Peggy was a great person, that much you felt bad about. But hadn’t Steve practically murdered you? And you were a great person before all of this. An eye for an eye. Did he think you were just going to disappear? No, he wasn’t going to get away with this any longer. He wasn’t going to get his happiness after he had ruined your whole life.

You wanted some years on them, you told Bruce ten years. Steve would be just shy of 50. You wondered what he’d look like. When he left, he had just started to get some gray hairs. You could remember that morning vividly. You wouldn’t have noticed if the sun hadn’t been shining in through the blinds perfectly onto his blonde hair. He blushed about 7 shades of red, but you promised him you didn’t mind. Because you loved him. He said he loved you back. Like an idiot, you believed him.

You arrived in his time with little care to how you looked. You weren’t here for anyone but him. You didn’t mind that everyone was staring at you oddly because instead of some huge, ugly dress, you were wearing black pants, a low-cut t-shirt, and a leather jacket.

You did need a weapon, however. Guns were cowardly. Poison could be fun. A knife, though. A knife would certainly get the point across. You tucked it into your boot and then you were on your way.

You found Peggy’s house easily. Bruce had made sure you knew where you were going and what to do if they had moved or anything like that. You’d known they would be in the same place. You’d known Steve would want to live in this domestic, pathetic lie.

There was a window that looked into the living room. It was mid-day, you figured Peggy was at work. What did Steve even do? Was there a specific activity he liked pairing with all the pure nothingness he was doing while his best friend suffered in Hydra’s hands?

You saw him sitting in a recliner in what you assumed was the living room. His hair was almost all gray, he’d cut it much shorter. Like how he used to have it, before everything with Tony and Bucky. Like how he had it when you met him. His beard was just as light and he had a few prominent wrinkles on his forehead and around his mouth. But that was as far as his aging went. His arms were still huge, his shoulders so broad, and you had the strongest feeling that that ass had held up.

You were about to go in, make your presence known when you realized he was reading a book. Your favorite book. He must have taken it with him because that looked distinctly like one of your many copies you hadn’t seen for quite some time.

You were furious, shaking and seeing red. No matter how hard you tried to breathe, you just couldn’t. You were going to cut Peggy’s heart about and show it to him. You were going to cover that ugly house with her blood. You were going to wreck him just as much as he wrecked you.

You watched Steve for three months and came to the harrowing conclusion that he was severely unhappy. Peggy would come home and they wouldn’t speak. They would sit down for dinner and say maybe five sentences to one another. They went to bed together, sometimes they had sex. You never stuck around for that because not only was that a major violation of her privacy, but damn, they were fucking boring.

When she woke up in the morning, he wouldn’t get up until she was gone. Then he would go for his run, you followed a couple of times as best you could to see if there was a piece of this puzzle you were missing. When he returned home, he would read or watch television, he went for a second run a few hours later, and returned home to do absolutely nothing but await her return.

Should this have made you happy? It didn’t. He would rather be unhappy with her than happy with you. But that was for one reason: his pride. He didn’t want to crawl back to you and admit that he made a mistake.

Your goals changed. You wanted to make him admit it. Not with words, he would never do that. But Steve was a faithful man. If you got him to stray, it would be indisputable.

You waited one morning until he was out on his run, then snuck into the house. You went through their kitchen, sometimes you moved things just to be a bitch. You went through their bedroom and discovered that Peggy had a terrible contraption that had the audacity to call itself a sex toy. That would be nice to throw in Steve’s face.

You tossed it onto the bed and got undressed as you made your way to the shower. Steve wouldn’t be gone much longer. And he would know something was very wrong when he saw your clothes.

You washed your hair, used Peggy’s soap, and only had to wait a couple of minutes after that. You heard him call out her name a few times. But then he got to the bedroom and you heard his steps hesitating.

“Peggy?”

He wouldn’t say your name, not ever. Because he could be wrong, he could be delusional. And to admit that he was still thinking about you after all this time, that was his idea of a loss.

You didn’t grab a towel as you pulled the shower curtain back and shut off the water. Dripping wet, you carefully padded across the tile floor and then out to the bedroom.

His eyes widened and he dropped to his knees. “What...what are you doing here?”

You shrugged, glancing around. “Thought I deserved a vacation.”

“Y/N, I am so—”

“Pathetic? Weak? Yeah, don’t worry, I know.” You moved closer to him, eyeing him pitifully. You were glad that you hadn’t crumbled. Months ago, you would have given anything just to hear his voice, just to see his fucking eyes. God, you hated him now.

“You’re angry, I understand.”

“Angry?” you scoffed. “Add dumb to the list.”

“I’m sorry that I hurt you—”

“You didn’t hurt me, you piece of shit. You destroyed me, you ruined my life. For all intents and purposes, you killed me. And I’m here to get my revenge.”

His eyebrows pulled together. “Revenge?”

You reached out to touch his face, trailed your fingers along his bottom lip. “Yeah, payback. I’m going to make sure I make you feel what you made me feel.”

He glared up at you. “Are you threatening me?”

“Yes.”

He finally stood, towering over you.

“Mmm, how I’ve missed this body.” You pressed yourself against him and as much as he acted like he didn’t like it, he never pulled away or tried to push you back. You were getting him wet and his shirt was starting to cling to his abs. You let your hands wander for a moment before they dropped down to his pants.

“Stop,” he said quietly.

And you did because you were never going to allow him to lie. Your turned up to him and stepped back.

He looked torn apart, confused. “Why are you here?”

You shrugged. “Why not?”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Well, it’s all you’re getting. You don’t need any other answer.”

“So, what’s the plan? How are you going to get your revenge?”

“I know you, Steve, I know that you believe in being a good and faithful man. I just want you to fuck me. That’s all.”

“Well, you know that’s not going to happen. You know I would never—”

“Cheat? So, then you’ve never fucked Peggy?”

“What?”

“You never left me, you never told me we were done. You, like the coward you are, just didn’t come back. Every time you’ve been with her is a lie, a cheat. You are a cheater.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?! You keep acting like there was just one thing! There were a million things, Steve. You ruined everything that we were building. And you can apologize all you want, but until I return at least half of it, I’m stuck here with you.”

“I won’t fuck you.”

“Yet,” you pointed out. “Well, I should be going.”

He grabbed your arm. “Go home.”

“I am home, baby. You’re here and you’re my home.”

He frowned.

You yanked yourself out of his hold, bending over to grab your clothing all over the room. He wasn’t going to fuck you but that did not mean he wasn’t going to look at you. So, you gave him quite the show, just like you had in the past upon his request.

You disappeared into the bathroom as if it was so natural, as if it was your own. He made no moves to follow and said nothing. As you dried yourself off, you decided now was as good a time as any. “See that terrible thing on your bed?”

You heard him step a few times, then nothing.

You scoffed. “Maybe it has to do with your age.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Still. Pretty creepy you came back to a much younger Peggy.”

“I came back to the one I left.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself.” You sauntered out and sent him one last smile before exiting the bedroom.

Peggy and Steve had a fight, so Peggy ducked out to some small diner. If you couldn’t get to him, you decided you were going to get to her. Peggy was sweet from the second you began speaking to her, feigning concern for her situation.

The first night you guys went out together, you wanted her to talk shit about Steve. She didn’t, she just got drunk and tried to get you much the same. You were taking her home because you truly were fearful of what would become of her without your help. And she kissed you. At first, you were startled, you pulled away out of fear and shock. She wasn’t Steve. In all your life since you’d met him, you never thought someone else was going to kiss you.

But then she looked terrified. Had she been reading you wrong? Had she messed everything up? Nah, you were adaptable. You kissed her back, explained you’d been hurt by some loser and it had been a while. She understood, or said she did, and then she was disappearing inside.

You were left wondering if Steve heard you, but not many lights in the house were on. He probably wasn’t home. Confirmed by your unlocked hotel door when you returned home just a couple of hours before sunrise.

Knowing it was him didn’t mean you weren’t going to pull your gun as you entered. He was sitting in one of the chairs at the tiny table near the tiny kitchen.

He arched an eyebrow. “That necessary?”

“I should have shot you the second I got here.” But you still tossed it onto the bed. “You know...this paints quite a scene, doesn’t it? You’re here, angry at me for being out late.” You let your purse fall to the floor, then your hideous cardigan. You had only shown up with one outfit, so shopping was necessary to keep up appearances. You didn’t know a lot about the 40s, but you didn’t want them to start burning women at the stake again because of you.

You made your way to him, straddling his lap as you took his face in your hands. “Are you upset that I broke curfew, daddy?”

He didn’t even bat an eye, but you knew that would get to him. “Where were you?”

“Out with your future wife.” One of many kickers, they had yet to get married. Peggy said it was because she wanted to wait. “Thought she would be willing to talk shit about you...thought it would make me feel better.”

“And? Did she give you anything you can use against me in the future?”

“Nah. She didn’t want to talk about you at all.”

He glared. “When are you going home?”

She shrugged. “Whenever I feel like it.” Your eyes moved over his face as you felt the deeply etched lines on his skin. “You don’t look 50 but I never thought... You remember when I found your gray hair?”

“Yeah... Thought you would leave me...that you’d want someone your age.”

“I like you like this, you know. Twice my age.”

“Have there been others?”

And just like that, the end of your friendly conversation. You pulled your hands away from him but stayed on top of him. “Others?”

“People...men you’ve let close.”

You scoffed. “Why would I do that?”

“I wanted...I thought you would move on.”

“People lie,” you pointed out. “You told me you loved me every day and then you just left. I can’t adequately explain to you how tired I am. I can’t do it again, I can’t even let myself try. I can’t get close to people the way I was close to you. I can’t move on. I can’t love someone else. I can’t do anything but hate you as much as I loved you.”

“I wasn’t lying—”

“You left. If you loved me as much as you said you did, you wouldn’t have been able to.”

“I do love you—”

You immediately pulled off him, rushing to get your feet back on the floor. No, no fucking way, he was not going to lie to you again. He was simply not allowed to anymore. You would not tolerate it.

“Y/N—”

“Get out of my hotel!” You pointed to the door. “Now, Steve, or I swear I will shoot you.”

He scoffed. “For what? Loving you?”

“You piece of shit.” You didn’t wait for him to say anything else. You stormed to the bathroom and locked the door before he could intrude yet again.

He knew you wouldn’t come back out, not while he was still there. All he could do was leave. For safe measure, he at least unloaded your gun and set it on the bedside table. Maybe if you had to find it and load again, you would lose some of your anger and not ended up taking a shot at him.

How dare he? He had no right to say that to you, no right to use that word. It meant nothing coming from him because there was the implied ‘but’ along with it. Before, he just loved you. Period. Now? He loved you. But what? He loved Peggy more? He loved this time more?

You thought you had been angry before. Even though the time you were spending with Peggy was diffusing that somewhat. Still, you never lost sight of what you wanted. Needed. The idea of Steve’s heartbreak was the only thing that could get you up in the morning.

He threw you off for a few days. Every time you tried to leave the hotel room just to do something a tad evil, you would end up in bed crying. Steve thankfully didn’t try to come back, you hated the thought of him seeing you like this, letting him know that he could still do this to you.

Peggy called. You gave her the number, just in case, and she used it to express her concern for you. It wasn’t like you not to want to hang out or to just be around and bump into her “randomly”. She invited you out for breakfast the first day, then lunch the next. You said you weren’t feeling well.

An excuse she stopped taking the third night. She wanted to go dancing with you, all while her asshole boyfriend stayed at home. How could you say no? You shouldn’t, this was the entire reason you were here.

You would kill her tonight. This time was a drag and you wanted to get home. To a place where you could wear pants or a t-shirt. A place where there weren’t so many preppy men in pastels or college sweaters.

Peggy picked you up, she wouldn’t stop staring. Had it been any other day, you might have even questioned why. But you weren’t going to enjoy this as much as you thought you would. It sucked, and honestly, it made you hate Steve even more. He was your downfall, he was also her downfall, but at least he would soon be utterly alone.

It had been hours. You were just trying to dance and let the music fill your mind, but this music was shit. If you had to hear one more man sing about wanting to hold a woman’s hand… Truly, you missed the filth of your time.

Peggy was the one that wanted to leave. Peggy was the one that wanted to walk away from all the noise of the city. Peggy was the one that took you to some sleazy motel, where she gave you the briefest of looks when she’d stopped you both on the sidewalk. She was also the one that kissed you when you didn’t say anything because what did you have to actually say?

Nothing. Not one thing. You had no idea how this plan had spiraled so terribly. You were meant to come here, kill her, throw it in Steve’s face, then bolt back home like none of it ever happened.

But you couldn’t kill her, not anymore, not after seeing what a miserable life she had with Steve. You hoped she would leave him, and not just to hurt him, but to help herself. You remembered the life she had in your world, the one she had created with your husband. It was so much better than the hell she was living in here.

So, you let her take you to a room. You let her kiss you, you let her tear your dress off, push you onto the bed, and crawl on top of you. Her lips moved everywhere over your legs, arms, and stomach, and they felt like fire because they belonged to someone who wasn’t Steve.

You hated how guilty you felt. You hated that your mind was seriously considering this a betrayal, cheating. But you were trying to be kinder to yourself. It wasn’t your fault that you had fallen so hard for someone and that you had made plans because someone had promised you forever.

She knew you were thinking about him. Not Steve, of course, but the someone you had once mentioned. She didn’t mind, she just promised she would try to make you forget. You forced yourself to be present, you turned off your mind when you could. She didn’t ask a lot of you, in reality.

She wanted to be on top, she wanted you to say her name and wouldn’t let you come until you asked nicely. It was probably around the third orgasm that you stopped feeling so awful, that all of those familiar sensations weren’t triggering memories and bitter resentment. That was what she gave you with her mouth alone and didn’t move until it was evident that your thoughts had simply melted away.

When she crawled back up to kiss you, she buried her fingers inside you. At that point, who the hell even was Steve Rogers? A distant, dull pain. Peggy was here, on top of you, biting your lip, telling you to come one more time, because she knew you had it in you.

She told you that you were beautiful, that she’d never seen a body like yours. She told you that you made her feel things Steve couldn’t, that you were fun and warm and kind, and she loved spending time with you.

You were covered in sweat, your skin painted with her lipstick and bites and other marks she left all over your skin. She hadn’t come yet and refused any offers you made her, she claimed she just wanted to focus on you for a moment.

When she finally pressed her soaking center against yours, you were in an odd amount of pain. You longed for something, so much, but you had no idea what. She pulled your hair, began kissing your neck, and rolled her hips hard. You pulled her hair back, pressed your hips up when she pressed down, whimpered her name, and told her she felt so good. It was when she started fucking you harder and faster, and you were getting really close once again, that you got the sick idea to rake your nails down her back. Hard enough to leave marks.

After her finish, she collapsed onto her side next to you. The way she looked at you was kind of scary, like you were worth a lot more than you knew you were. She also looked satisfied and you hadn’t seen that look since you’d shown up. And what a fucking crime that was. Yes, Steve was a dick, but fuck, that man could seriously fuck. Why was he denying her that?

You shoved her onto her back and sat on her face because you didn’t want to be thinking about him. She kept you there until you were shaking and so fuzzy you couldn’t even sit up on your own. A tad haphazardly, you insisted on getting your mouth on her. After some convincing on your part and a few pitying laughs from her as you nearly fell over the edge of the mattress because you were still dizzy, your tongue was sliding against her skin and her hands were locked in your hair.

She needed to get home, back to her boyfriend before he started to worry. You stuck around for a bit, reluctant to return to your apartment. Maybe this was it, maybe this was all you needed. Maybe it was just time to fucking go home.

You truly worried about all of the Bucky lectures you were going to get, all of those Natasha looks, those small ‘tsk’ sounds when Thor was not only upset but disappointed in you, the judgmental eyebrows Tony would be sending your way, and those puppy dog eyes from Peter. Goodness, you were sure Peter missed you. Bruce would never trust you again, no surprise there, you had lied to him. You hadn’t thought about the consequences of your actions when you first did this. You hated, at the time, that you didn’t care if you hurt anyone.

Game over. You weren’t going home not without having scored some points, but to win, you would just end up losing more. More, you now understood that you had taken all of it for granted. Yes, your friends were constant reminders of Steve and they had been acting like you were some mission they needed to complete, but at least they loved you. That was more than a lot of people had and you would let them know about all these epiphanies if they didn’t kill you as soon as you returned.

When you made it back to your apartment, it was only to get the necklace Wanda had given you a few years back for your birthday. It was this huge stone you never remembered the name of, something you rarely took off regardless of that.

The last thing you expected was to find Steve. He looked furious and maybe, just maybe, you were going to get the satisfaction of seeing that you hurt him before you left. “What the hell are you doing here?”

He was at the table again, jaw set, glaring at the wall straight ahead of him. You were trying to think if you’d ever seen him this angry, if you’d ever even heard stories of it. Probably not. He liked to act like you were so damn delicate. Though, maybe he had been onto something.

“Hey,” you snapped after receiving no response, “Why the fuck are you in my hotel room?”

Finally, he turned to you and for the first time ever, you were scared of him.

You kept your distance, you even began moving toward your bedside table where you had your gun stashed.

“I hope you’re not looking for this.” He reached down for a moment then tossed it onto the table noisily.

Shit. “Steve…”

“You fucked her.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He stood quickly, storming over to you. For a moment, you had been stunned, and it was enough for him to get several upper hands. It wasn’t as if he needed them to begin with, but with your delayed scattering back, he was able to grab you and pin you to the wall. You were completely defenseless in stupid, impractical heels and an ugly, impractical dress.

“Tell me you didn’t fuck her.”

You said nothing.

He scoffed harshly. “I fucking smelled you all over her…and now I smell her on you. You left those scratches on her back because you wanted me to know.”

“Honestly, I thought I would be gone by the time you found out or by the time you decided to confront me. In fact, if you leave now, I’ll be gone and you’ll never have to see me again.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“What? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

He didn’t say anything, instead, he grabbed the neckline of your dress and tore it open. He paid no mind to your startled shoving at his chest. His eyes moved over your skin quickly, you could tell he was getting angrier with every bruise he found.

You were going to play this off, bat away at his feelings just long enough for you to escape. “Steve, I—”

He grabbed your jaw and you immediately shut up. “Go take a shower.”

Your eyebrows pulled together.

“Now.”

“No, you fucking—”

“You can do it on your own or I can do it for you. But to be clear, I will not ask again, and I’m gonna count to ten before I really lose my patience. One, two, three—”

“Steve,” you tried softly. He was still holding you there, so tight that the idea of moving was laughable.

“Four, five—”

“Steve,” you were a tad more frantic, pushing at his forearm.

“Six, seven.” He finally pulled away from you and you bolted to the bathroom without a second thought. He told you to leave the door open and you listened because you no longer had the desire to push him.

You came out in a towel several minutes later. Most of your shower was spent just trying to calm down, the rest was using any product you had to try to get rid of her scent. You didn’t want to risk further angering him with any lingering mentions of Peggy.

He was just feet away from the door when you stepped out and once again, he showed no hesitation in ripping away what covered your body. He looked you over again, briefer this time, obviously displeased with what he saw. He’d hoped most of it was just the lipstick Peggy always wore.

“Are you wet?”

“What?”

“Your pussy. Are you wet?” He was condescendingly slow with every single word and your hand suddenly itched with the need to smack him.

“No.”

“Well, you’re a liar, so I don’t believe you,” he countered. “Check.”

“What?”

“Check,” he repeated. “Now. And if I have to keep repeating myself, you’re not going to like the way this night plays out.”

You averted your gaze as you brought your hand to your center. Your breath caught audibly as you ran your fingers through. Yes, he was an ass, but your body would never stop craving his touch.

“Show me.”

Begrudgingly, you brought your hand back to him.

“Wow, how did I know you were lying? Touch yourself. Keep touching yourself until you come.”

You snorted. “Eww, no—”

He slammed his hand against the wall behind you and you fell silent again. “The same rules apply. Do it or I will do it for you.”

He had never spoken to you like this. Sure, there were the bad missions. There were the times when he just needed to fuck you to forget all the shit he had to deal with. But there was never a moment where you wondered if he would lose control, if he would hurt you unintentionally. Right now, maybe it wasn’t so much that you thought he would. You had known him long enough, loved him long enough, that you knew exactly what kind of man he was. Maybe, right now, it was that you wanted him to hurt you.

Nothing could be worse than when he left you. Nothing he did was going to hurt more than when you went back home and you were, once more, without him. Meaning that you wanted to take everything that you possibly could from this moment. All the pain, all the bruises, all those emotional scars that would add to the ones from before that you had idiotically convinced yourself you could ever get rid of.

He knew you were considering your next move and arched an eyebrow at your continuing silence.

You shook your head. “No.”

One of his hands shot up to wrap around your neck, the other hand went to your cunt where he slid two fingers into you with embarrassing ease.

You brought your hands up to his forearm and dug your nails into his skin. The harder you scratched him, the harder he would choke you—it was something established early on in your relationship. And if he was choking you, you couldn’t moan or whine like he wanted you to.

For a moment, you both stayed still. For an entire second, it wasn’t that he had left you, that you had to track him down, that you fucked his girlfriend and he was fucking furious about it. For a second, it was just you and him, like it was all the times before.

The problem was pride. It wasn’t like before and neither one of you wanted to let the other pretend. He hurt you. You hurt him. Before no longer mattered. So, you shut your eyes and turned your face away from him.

He thrust his fingers just slightly harder than you would have liked, slightly harder than he would have liked. It would sting in the morning, but you wouldn’t hate it. Crescent-shaped cuts would be found everywhere on his skin and he would mourn that they were healing too fast. Both of you knew that this was it. The end.

You were wet, that obscene sound drowning out your choked noises. He absolutely loved this, loved you. He had thought being with Peggy again would make him feel like he was finally home. It took him so long to figure out that he was wrong, to realize that you were one of the few people that actually felt like home. You and Bucky, Nat, Sam, Tony, Wanda, Thor. Not Peggy.

And he could no longer pretend when he felt you tighten around his fingers. He was fucked up and he ruined things a lot of the time. It was just in his DNA, even the fucking serum couldn’t fix that. But prior to leaving, he’d never ruined anything with you. He hadn’t realized how much he missed fucking you because he always did that right.

“Open your eyes,” he ordered.

Instead, you pushed harder at his arm and turned further away from him. Your hips started to buck against his hand, and he knew you wanted this, but he knew you were not going to give in without some fight.

“Open your fucking eyes, Y/N.”

You were not going to. After all the hell he’d put you through? Fuck that, fuck him. You were never going to give him anything he wanted ever again.

He yanked his hand away from your pussy and grabbed your jaw to turn your face to him. He knew that wouldn’t work alone and in a move of desperation, kissed you. A move to get you to let your guard down—a weak move that would not work. As his knee came up to your cunt and you began grinding against it, he started biting your lip.

You buried one hand in his hair and started pulling harder than you should have. He released your jaw to do the same to you. This was much different than how he usually touched you. He’d always been rough, but this hurt, actually hurt.

You rode his thigh with no assistance from him. He let your face go and dropped your hair in search of another tactic. You were no longer kissing, you instead rested your head on his shoulder, eyes still squeezed shut. Even when he grabbed your ass painfully, and when he smacked you after all you did was scream. Even when he grabbed your breasts and pulled on your nipples.

You kept your eyes shut the entire time and he was growing furious. He wasn’t going to let you feel anything even resembling pleasure if you weren’t going to give into him. He pulled away and grabbed your hips.

You opened your eyes then, concerned about what he was doing to you next. He grabbed your shoulder and shoved you onto the bed before you could say a word. You were on your stomach, facing away from him, busy lamenting the loss of your finish. You heard him undressing as you attempted to regain your breath and composure.

He was on top of you before that happened, yanking your legs open before he crawled up, hands stopping on either side of your head. He wasn’t going to tease, he was going to fuck you like the brat you were—hard, mean, unforgiving. He lowered his hips until his cock was lined up with your entrance and then thrust in.

Your scream must have scared the hell out of the neighbors. You wouldn’t be surprised if the cops were being called right then. It wasn’t a pleasurable scream, you certainly liked that he was inside you, but that was just your body. Your heart ached in a way that it never had. You’d thought you were never going to feel him again, but it wasn’t some beautiful feeling of reconnection. You were at square one, you would have to crave his body all over again once this was over. You would go through those same agonizing withdrawals that had truly destroyed you those first few months.

Steve grabbed your hair again and shoved your face into the mattress. He didn’t care about taking it slow, making sure that you, his precious, sweet girlfriend, were okay. He felt just as torn up as you and he couldn’t afford emotional consideration when he was so fucked up. He only knew what he wanted, for you to look at him like you used to. He would do whatever he had to do to get it. Part of him didn’t care how low he would have to go. He wasn’t Captain America here, he didn’t have to live up to the same standards.

You blindly reached back to try to catch his arm, but your attempts never even touched him. He didn’t seem to care about what you were attempting, he just fucked you. He held you down as his hips slammed against your ass and he moaned loudly, shamelessly, selfishly. You finally caught a hold of his arm and used the heel of your palm to push, but since you were out of breath and had been for quite some time, you doubted that there was any real force behind it.

“Can’t breathe, baby?” he wondered, hips still snapping, the head of his cock reaching that delicious spot inside you.

You dug your nails into his skin even though it was an uncomfortable stretch and your muscles were screaming. You were screaming, too, despite everything, despite the lack of strategy in that, but this felt too good not to. You hadn’t been fucked like this in so long, this was what you knew you would never get from someone else. This deep, soul-level connection was a one-time deal. No one else was ever going to be able to give you this.

“If I let you up, you better fucking look at me. I’m not kidding, Y/N. I’ll fucking hold you down again until I fucking come.”

Once his hand lifted from your head, you turned up and gasped for air. It was a short-lived relief as soon as his hand pressed into your neck and angled your head back. It wasn’t that you were scared, and you should have been because you wholeheartedly believed his threat, it was that you were happy to have an excuse to give in. He was stronger than you, right? No one could blame you for giving in, hell, you were just trying to save yourself. Right?

Your eyes met his and his hips stuttered. A ragged breath fell from his lips, you felt it on your hair. That hard look in his eyes softened, he looked a lot like that man that had promised you he would come back to you.

“I love you,” he breathed.

Your eyes instantly filled with tears and you clamped your mouth shut. Both hands were buried in the bedsheets because you needed something to hold, something to tear at, something to destroy to cope with the burning anger that was consuming you.

“I’m sorry, I love you.” His body moved erratically against yours, desperate for all the things he’d longed for since he’d left you. The two of you were sick together, desperate, twisted people that proved it in bed. Peggy wasn’t like that and he was drowning trying to act like he was normal, like he was that same man that she had been with what felt like centuries ago.

He collapsed, chin pressing into the bend of your neck, and you felt his cum spilling into you. His arms wrapped around you, holding you tight as he rode out his finish. He didn’t stop, however, now he wanted to get you off. He wanted to feel those same pathetic, proud things he experienced whenever he played your body like an instrument.

You didn’t resist, what would be the point? You fucking deserved an orgasm, at the very least. You were ashamed to admit that you wanted it, needed it. You hadn’t honestly felt alive since he left you, but this reminded you what that was like.

He groaned when he felt you tightening around him, his hand wedging between you and the mattress to get to your clit. When he did, it was over and you crashed like a wave against the shore, and you saw stars, and you felt all those things you felt when you were happily in love with a man you thought loved you back.

So, in conclusion, you felt lies.

If he thought he could fuck reality out of your mind, he was sadly mistaken. You were coming down when your hand started sliding across the mattress. Your gun was not the only precaution you took—you’d known Natasha for years and she would strangle you if that was your only form of protection.

He was kissing down your spine when you located your knife, and he had just started to speak when you turned back and just stabbed. You had a general awareness of where he was, you knew you weren’t going to kill him, and you didn’t want to. You just needed to get away, before he started talking, apologizing, making more promises.

You didn’t wait to see where you stabbed, you simply clawed away from him until you could jump from the bed. He cried out and you heard him grabbing for you, but you couldn’t stop for anything. On your bedstand was the necklace you had shown up for, you grabbed it, along with your long coat and then you were on your way out the door.

Running around completely naked in the 40s, clutching a trench coat you knew you weren’t going to leave without, shoeless, dripping sweat and cum—you’d never thought your beautiful life with Steve Rogers would take you here.

A Bucky Barnes lecture was the last thing you wanted, but it was the only thing you would be receiving for probably several months. Well, when he was done with his silent treatment. He was furious when you returned, he didn’t say a word to you. Everyone else had completely fawned over you. They hugged you, pet your hair, told you how proud they were that you came home.

Bucky just stared at you and when they all parted so he could speak to you, he simply stormed out of Bruce’s lab. But yes, Bruce was a tad betrayed, your expectation on that had been correct. You apologized profusely and brought him coffee every day, several times a day until he stopped looking at you like a kicked baby animal.

Tony was disappointed, but not to Bucky’s extent. He simply could not fathom the hold Steve had on you still, told you as much. You admitted that you were wrong, and well, with Tony, that was really all he needed. He wanted to be right and he wanted you to tell him that you learned your lesson. To the untrained eye, he would look like a narcissist. But you knew him better, you knew he was just scared of losing you. Again. He merely wanted to know that you were sticking around and that was what you conveyed when you told him you had made a mistake going in the first place. He dropped it, like it never happened.

Natasha didn’t let you out of her sight for almost two complete weeks. She watched you and you felt her watching you, but she wasn’t going to pry. She was angry, but she was still handling you with gloves on. She wasn’t going to push you emotionally no matter how badly she wanted to. She also wasn’t going to ask questions, scared that prying would move you further away. You told her you saw Steve and that you got what you needed, she nodded, and that was the end of it. She still watched you, but she was slyer about it. She made sure you were in your room when she woke up and went to bed, but she took up Tony’s pretending routine as well.

Wanda didn’t need to ask anything; she knew because she read your thoughts. She knew because she had been outraged that you left without a goodbye, so she felt entitled to those thoughts. Not because she needed to know what happened but because she needed to know if you were going to try anything else again. She stopped being mad at you one day when you were making Bruce coffee. You hadn’t heard her, you were there in the kitchen, stuck in your own thoughts. She hugged you tight, didn’t say a word, but just like that, it was over.

Almost everyone had gotten over it in record time. You knew you were an asshole and you apologized, and you meant it, but even if you hadn’t, it wasn’t like they were ever going to hold it against you. Sometimes, knowing that, it made you feel worse because these people loved you and just like Steve had done to you, you hurt them. In the exact same way. You left.

Sam was in a much more difficult position. He felt a duty to you as one of Steve’s closest friends, but he also felt for Bucky. You’d really hurt Bucky and Sam could forgive you for being reckless, psychotic almost, even selfish. But the look on Bucky’s face when they discovered that you were gone was a hard thing to shake.

He stopped ignoring you after a couple of days, but the conversations were short, shallow. He didn’t ask about your time there and he didn’t ask about your feelings after. It was all small talk and polite conversation, it seemed like you barely knew each other at all. But sometimes, you would catch him watching you, like he was looking for signs of something that he couldn’t ask you. He wanted to know if you were still torn up by this Steve thing.

You were. You cried a lot, as if it happened all over again. Technically, in a way, it did. But you didn’t show them that, it was no longer their burden to bear. You had caused them pain when they tried to take yours away. You waited until you were alone or out of the tower, you cried quietly and quickly. You did not allow yourself those days where you would just hole up in your room. You were always awake early, asleep late, and you took care of yourself because you owed them all at least that.

You knew when Bucky was less angry, but you weren’t going to approach him. You were totally fine just waiting for him to let you know when he wanted to speak to you, which was one random morning after you’d finished sparring with Nat.

He was waiting outside the gym, muttered that he wanted to speak to you, and even Natasha had the good sense to get lost. It wasn’t going to be pretty, that much was clear. It was in his tone, his eyes, his tense posture.

He took you back to your room and ordered you to sit on the foot of your bed. He paced for a long time and you didn’t say a word or make a sound. When he finally looked at you, you seriously worried he might kill you. He was angry all over again, had worked himself up with his thoughts but you weren’t sure why entirely.

“Did you see him?”

You nodded.

“You talked to him.”

“About…everything? Um, no, not really.” There hadn’t been that conversation. Any attempts on Steve’s part were expertly diverted by you, with all your ill intentions and knowledge of how to get under Steve’s skin.

He nodded curtly. “So, this was for nothing then? You put me through all of this shit for nothing?”

“Bucky, I’m really so—”

He was storming out of the room before you finished your sentence.

You didn’t see him for two days, and when you did, it was clear again, you would be getting more silence. You told yourself you couldn’t be that hurt. You’d hurt him first, that meant he had the right to express his feelings even if that resulted in him not speaking to you.

Several days later, Bucky dropped his Winter Solider persona and became a worried, bitter mother hen. You were sick, it wasn’t something that you thought was a big deal. He’d come to speak to you again and with his enhanced hearing, heard you puking in the bathroom.

When you were done, he forced you back into bed and got Bruce. Bruce did the usual, it wasn’t as if anyone was worried, he was just too scared not to indulge Bucky. Speaking of, he was off in the corner of the room, claiming that you’d probably gotten some kind of time-traveling bug. He was being dramatic, and you became aware of what exactly had drawn him and Steve together all those years ago. Extra bitches.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Bruce assured. “Her temperature is fine.”

“Take her blood, test it for time-traveling bugs.”

You rolled your eyes, and because Bruce had heard of the Winter Soldier, he did as was directed. Even though you were pretty sure that Bucky wasn’t serious. Not completely. Once Bruce had the excuse of focusing on your blood, that left you and Bucky alone.

“Why did you even go?”

This was not going to go over well. “Um…I had a plan…”

“A plan,” he repeated. “To do what?”

“I was sort of…kind of, just a little bit, going to kill Peggy.”

His mouth dropped.

You rolled your eyes. “I know that was stupid—”

“You’re insane!”

You glared. “Bucky.”

“You didn’t do it, right?!”

“No,” you huffed. “I should have, would have been putting her out of her misery. He’s such a fucking tool.”

He dragged his hand down his face, holding his jaw as he leaned over in his chair and pressed his elbows to the tops of his thighs. He was silent for a very long time before saying, “Yeah…he is. Did he hurt you?”

The bruises had been painfully obvious, there was no way to hide them, and you knew they could all guess what they came from. You felt your skin getting hot as you shook your head. “No. He wouldn’t do that, Bucky.”

He scoffed. “I thought that…but he did leave you and I never thought he could do that.”

“He’s…not different,” you claimed. “Just…”

“A fucking tool.” He nodded. “I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“No, I’m really sorry, Bucky. I’m not just sorry for leaving and upsetting you. I’m sorry for everything, I’m sorry that you wasted months trying to make me feel better and then I just left. I’m sorry that I took you guys for granted, I’m sorry that I didn’t know how fortunate I was to have people who love me as much as you guys do. I know I betrayed your trust so it’s not going to mean much, but I will never do anything like that again.”

His eyes flit up from the floor to your face. “I do love you. So fucking much. You’re my only connection to him. And you left and I didn’t have that, I didn’t have you and I didn’t have him, and I was just…lost.”

You felt those familiar pricks in the back of your eyes, but you told yourself not to cry, you didn’t have the right. But just as soon as his eyes filled with tears, you couldn’t hold back your own anymore. He practically flung himself off the chair to rush to you, arms wrapping tightly around your shoulders.

You weren’t sure how long you both stayed there, just clinging to each other. This felt like the end of all the tension, though. This felt like a fresh start and you and Bucky were just going to have to move on without Steve. You pondered that for a while. You would have to try to find him a girlfriend or a boyfriend so he wouldn’t try to find you someone. It was going to be a little give and take, probably a major power-struggle every now and then, but it was going to be good.

The only reason you two pulled away was because both a frantic Bruce and Natasha ran into the room. They’d made all the noise two people could possibly make as they did so, crashing into each other because the doorway wasn’t big enough for the both of them.

They were wide-eyed, out of breath, both looking like they had just seen a ghost. But a much different ghost since they both regarded one another with a look of confusion.

“What is it?” Bucky demanded. “Wait, she doesn’t really have a time-traveling bug, does she?”

“Oh!” Bruce scoffed awkwardly, “I’d say so!”

You narrowed your eyes. “What the hell does that mean?”

“That can wait!” Natasha declared.

“No, it certainly cannot!” Bruce insisted.

These were two people who were normally soft-spoken, not because they were meek or soft in any general sense—hello, Black Widow and the Hulk—but in that they didn’t like drawing so much attention to themselves.

As they both started hissing arguments back at each other, Bucky sighed.

You glanced at him and he shrugged at you in response. Things were all better one second, but the very next, the world was ending.

Both Bruce and Natasha turned back to you with resolute looks on their faces. Natasha only spoke loudly this time because she was hoping to yell over Bruce, “Steve is back!” And Bruce yelled in a completely indelicate manner because he was shocked, horrified, extremely concerned, “You’re pregnant!”

Oh, shit.

Natasha and Bruce took a second to process what the other said and then gasped, turning to one another to share a look. They faced you again and decided to repeat the news only, Bruce screamed about Steve being back and Natasha more so framed it as a shrieking question you’re pregnant?!

You glanced at Bucky.

His jaw was set, his eyes narrowed just slightly. He merely nodded once then stood, throwing his hands up in the air. “Well, I’m gonna fucking kill him.”

Yep, the world was most certainly ending.

[elfyris]

a wip wednesday actually on wednesday! tagged by partner in crime @dumpsterhipster bc i think you just like to see me suffer but honestly mood. again i wont officially tag anyone but at the same time @choilacanth my beloved if you wrote anything more please do share it with me so i can scream to the heavens anyways this wip is kinda long and i dont wanna clog dashes as its once again not fanfic but og writing so i’ve put it under the cut thank you love you bye   also tumblr ruined my format i cry

A strong grip on Lula’s arm stops her from going forward, magic crackles across her fingers as she spins her body around, ready to send untameable magic through the assailant’s face only to instantly fizzle out when Ekkor’s kind eyes meet her furious ones. Her arm drops as a heavy breath escapes her lips.

“Don’t do this.” His face pleading, he picks up her hand that she let fall and places her palm over the left side on his chest. Lula feels the erratic pulse of his heart, she looks at him in confusion, raising an eyebrow quizzically. “This isn’t you, this isn’t the Lula I’ve grown to know, and like.” He smiles shyly as he signs, if it were any other moment she would’ve relished in the confession. But it’s all wrong, the timing, his words - angrily, Lula places her other hand on his chest and shoves Ekkor roughly, not to hurt but enough to make him take a step back away from her.

“You don’t know that! You don’t know what Lula you have grown to know,” She hisses, her own hands furiously signing back. “I can’t just do nothing, Ekkor. I have to help them.” Her voice drops. 

“You’ll only make it worse, this war-” “This isn’t war, I’ve seen war! This is genocide and I will not stand idly by whilst people like you murder my people.”She regrets what she said almost immediately when Ekkor’s face crumples, his head turning away from hers. Lula reaches out for his hand but he flinches as if her touch burns. He isn’t like them at all, she doesn’t know why she said that, all this time he’s been the only one to show her kindness whilst the rest of his family left her to starve. “I’m sorry, you’re not like them-” She stops as his hands cup the tips of his ears, in another life they would’ve had sharp tips like hers had it not been for the mutilation. She is wrong. The war wasn’t because of people like him, but he was a product of an age old war just like she was. They just happened to be born on different sides.

 “Come with me.”He wasn’t looking at her hands so he didn’t see what she said. Lula reaches out for him once again, cupping his face and turning his head to look at her so he couldn’t look away. Tears spill across his lashes like stars in the night sky, and they make her feel just as small. “Come with me.” She gulps nervously, relying on his lip reading as her hands cup his face to keep him focused on her. His eyes widen at her words.

“You’re right, this isn’t me but it isn’t you either, I’ve seen the real you.” One of her hands slide down his face to rest on his chest, in the same spot he placed her hand just moments before.

“So come with me, I can’t do this alone.”

The silence between them is louder than it ever has been, he doesn’t sign and she has nothing left to say that wouldn’t just be words vomiting from her heart. The silence is almost painful.

“Ekkor-” He presses his lips to hers, his head leaning into her palm and her body goes flush against his, their bodies fitting together as if they were each made for this moment. Her mind goes blank, simultaneously forgetting everything about what was going on but her mind reeling with Ekkor, the softness of his lips, the underlining taste of wine and how his hands held her with so much gentleness. As if she was going to break. Or run away. Which is exactly what she was planning on doing, so reluctantly, she pulls her lips from his and his eyes snap open. Uncertainty flashes across his face, panic, doubt, regret all showing their ugly faces.

“I’m sorry-” She clasps her hands over his as he begins to frantically gesture, and she squeezes them softly, reassuringly. “I forgive you, but I am okay with the kiss, so please don’t continue to apologise about that.” She smiles warmly, she brushes her lips against his knuckle tops and takes a step back, clicking her fingers nervously before signing, “Are you coming with me?”