#not that i even need to but i never really unlearned being soft and cute from pre-transition.

[fairymint]

What’s a tip you would give to people trying to get to know you?

i'd say that my attitude both matches and is contrary to what normal society would expect of me. The more favorable or safe you are to me, the softer i feel about you. meanwhile, the people (mostly IRL) who act all tough or negative only get attitude, really.

but also, atm i don't really display (platonic) affection as much as i would be comfortable with.

[bwabys-scenarios]

Shaved or not? HXH characters edition

!!REBLOGS APPRECIATED!!

A/N: I just had the most random need to write out what their pubic hair looks like… it kind of helps characterizing them for smut later on. I may do this with the ADULT jjk characters as well.

warning: talking about pubic hair, misogyny in Illumi’s and internalized misogyny in Kikyo’s, suggestive content

Kurapika

For his partner:

Kurapika isn’t too picky, and won’t care if you shave or not. He does have a preference for unshaven pussy though, he’s not sure why.

Himself:

He keeps himself trimmed, but rarely shaves off all his pubic hair. It’s blonde, neat, and soft!

Leorio

For his partner:

He’s very loud about his preference for unshaven pussy, but won’t complain either way. Once he’s between your legs it doesn’t make much of a difference.

For himself:

He tries to keep himself trimmed and neat, but alas he’s a bit wild down there. His hair is a bit wiry, but not unpleasant to the touch.

Illumi

For his partner:

On one hand, he holds onto the stupid misogynistic thought that women should be hairless for their husbands, but on the other he really loves hairy pussy…… let’s just say he unlearns a lot of the things he’s been taught when he’s with you

For himself:

He shaves, waxes sometimes even. When you randomly catch him between shaving, his pubic hair is really soft!

Chrollo

For his partner:

Mmm… I think he has a preference for shaven pussy, but again I don’t see him as being particularly picky? If he’s feeling really needy he’ll shave your pussy for you. After all, it’s safer if he does it, he can see better and has much more precise hands!

For himself:

He shaves most of the time, but will go hairy if you ask. He likes to at least stay trimmed up and neat though!

Feitan

For his partner:

He will grumble if you talk about shaving, so let’s just say he definitely has a preference for unshaven pussy.

For himself:

He naturally doesn’t have a lot of hair, so he doesn’t have much of a choice. If you ask him to shave the little hair he has he will, otherwise he doesn’t have to do much maintenance(lucky)

Shalnark

For his partner:

PICKY!! He likes it hairy and will whine and pout when you shave. He’s only okay with you trimming it, and likes when you trim it into a little landing strip or a heart(he thinks it’s cute)

For himself:

He has soft, pretty pubic hair. He’ll occasionally shave or trim it, but otherwise he lets it grow wild.

Uvogin

For his partner:

Unshaven. He needs hairy pussy, and loves shoving his nose into your pubic hair to inhale your natural scent.

For himself:

His pubic hair is wild and wiry. He doesn’t shave or trim, but will do some light maintenance if asked

Phinks

For his partner:

He likes bald pussy, but will never state it. He’s just happy when he pulls your panties down and sees you’re freshly shaved for him :3

For himself:

He shaves, and maintains it pretty well. Probably subscribed to manscape 😭

Nobunaga

For his partner:

No real preference, he’s desperate for pussy so he’ll dive in face first no matter what. He does get a little harder when you shaved recently tho!

For himself:

Before he met you he just let it grow wild, but now that you’re having sex he keeps it trimmed. His hair is decently soft, if a bit stringy

Shizuku

For her partner:

She likes it shaved, but with a landing strip or cute pattern. She likes to nuzzle her nose into the little bit of hair!

For herself:

She keeps that thang bald. It’s just easier!

Machi

For her partner:

She has a preference for hairy pussy… but she’s another one that won’t complain either way. She just loves being between your legs!

For herself:

She keeps herself trimmed, but she’s decently hairy, and yes it’s pink! Soft too, like twirl your finger in it soft

Pakunoda

For her partner:

She has a very blatant preference for hairy pussy, and will tell you straight up that’s what she wants. If you want to shave, she won’t stop you though. Your comfort and happiness comes first.

For herself:

She keeps herself shaved, with a landing strip. Sometimes she’ll stop shaving and just occasionally trim everything to keep her pubic hair nice and tidy. It’ll never be wild, just know that.

Silva

For his partner:

He likes it wild and hairy… idk where illumi got the thought that women needed to be hairless from(wait yes I do, it was his mom)

For himself:

Also wild. He trims occasionally, but other than that his hair is decently soft and long

Kikyo

For her partner:

Bald. She believes women should shave their pussies! But… she has a secret preference for hairy pussy(it’s been suppressed)

For herself:

Because of her beliefs, her pussy is also bald!

Meruem

For his partner:

He has no idea about human norms, so he doesn’t even register that you can shave down there. He seems to have a preference for however he sees your pussy first.

For himself:

He doesn’t… have hair…

Knuckle

For his partner:

Unshaven! He thinks hairy pussy is hot, what can he say?

For himself:

He keeps himself neat and trimmed for his partner, how polite!

[saviorellie]

unlearn me.

pairing : abby anderson x reader

pov : second person , she/her pronouns

word count : 2.97k words

warning(s) : angst !!!!!!!! there is no happy ending unforch D: wrestler!abby mention ! abby running from her feelings ! mean!abby if you squint ! once again, the ending is not happy i'm warning you now !!!

notes : first abby fic on this acc [celebration emoji] !!!! i’m so excited to finally post this !!

abby had fucked it up. again. 

every time she met someone new, every time she let someone get anywhere near her, she fucked it up. it didn’t matter if she thought they were good for her, if they were nice to her, if they made her feel wanted. she always pushed them away.

she would always tell herself “don’t let them get to close”. they can’t know her too well or see too much or they’ll get scared. and they’ll leave. she had to make sure that she was the one who left first. ending the relationship before it even began, ghosting them after the first date, or the first time they got to see too much of her. she hated that this is how her brain had been wired, hated that she always just hurt herself before someone got the chance to hurt her in the first place.

and as hard as she had tried to fight it, your dates with her were no different. 

the first time you guys met was like a scene from a movie. you car had broken down in the parking lot of your university and abby was staying on campus later for wrestling practice. and being the gentleman she was, she offered to drive you home. she had seen you around campus before, at football games or at parties or in the dining hall. though she’d never admit it, she always thought you were cute. and who was she to make a pretty girl sit outside on a park bench all night?

as soon as the words inviting you to get in her car left her mouth, she knew she had made a huge mistake. you batted your tear filled eyes at her and smiled that stupid smile where your bottom lip gets caught between your teeth.

“really?” you asked, honey dripping from your words. and it was too late for her to say no. 

“uh… yeah,” she coughed, opening her passenger side door for you. “hop in.”

the entire ride home you couldn’t stop fucking talking. you had the sweetest voice and it was like you just had to stress abby out. like your one goal in life was the make her grip the steering wheel tighter and make sweat form on her upper lip. 

when she pulled up in front of your apartment building, she felt this giant weight be lifted off of her shoulders. get out, she was thinking. not because she was mad at you or she didn’t want to be around you. she just couldn’t. 

“seriously, thank you so much, abby,” you had smiled at her now that your feet were planted firmly on the ground, hand on her passenger side door. 

“yeah, it’s no problem,” she sighed. as much as she secretly enjoyed your presence, you needed to go. she needed to get you and your big eyes and your soft voice out of her line of sight and out of her mind.

 “let me make it up to you,” you started, eyebrows furrowing as you thought. “let me take you out! i know this great restaurant nearby, i’ll treat you. it’s the least i can do.”

her heart was racing 1000 miles a minute. ‘let me take you out’?

“y/n it’s really not that big of a deal. you don’t have to,” please don’t, “take me out.”

“abby, i would’ve been sitting out there all night if you hadn’t driven me home. please, just let me buy you dinner.”

she sighed. it would be rude of her to say no more firmly. but she couldn’t go. could she?

fuck it. it’s only one dinner.

“yeah,” she ran a hand through her hair. “fine. dinner. just let me know when.”

one dinner, she had thought. one friday night dinner. she was going to let you buy her a burger and tell her how much you appreciated the drive home and then never speak to you again. 

but she couldn’t do it. for once in her life, she couldn't find it in her heart to ghost you. you were so sweet and smart and funny and abby enjoyed being around you. normally she could do a date, maybe two, and then she just couldn’t stay. she never felt remorse, pushing it from her mind as soon as it was over. but she knows that she would never forgive herself if she did that to you.

so, two months after that drive home, you were still hanging out. you had been to dinner 9 times at that point. sometimes her treat, sometimes yours. you had been to movies and to parties and had a few study dates. your friends were starting to ask if you were together. and her friends had started to question her.

everyone knew you. you were the smart, sweet girl who tutored everybody. you were always invited to every party, every outing. you weren’t popular or anything. you were just nice. and people liked you.

so when abby’s friends saw you hanging around her, they started to get worried. they had talked with abby about her “dating” habits before. and while they could talk about every girl on campus, they always agreed that you were off limits. abby’s orders, from herself and her friends, were to avoid you at all cost. you had tutored some of her friends, shared your perfectly organized notes with a few others. and so they all agreed that you were too kind and too trusting for abby to hurt.

“abby…” her roommate had started one day after you left their apartment, “why was she here?”

“’s nothing,” abby had mumbled, “i gave her a ride home a few weeks ago and she still thinks she needs to make it up to me. it’ll be fine just- just give me a few days and i’ll cut her lose.”

tonight was the night, she had told herself. she was going to go over to your apartment, hang out like everything was normal, and then avoid you at all costs. that was the plan.

you opened the door to let her in in your pajama shorts and slippers, your hair pulled out of your face. she looks so beautif- stop. 

abby had given you a quick hug and sat on your couch and tried to pay attention to whatever movie you had put on. all she could think about was you. when she was going to remove the smiley face by your name in her phone, when she was going to take the pictures of you off of her instagram highlights. how pretty you looked, how funny you were, how you made her smile so fucking wide her cheeks hurt. 

she didn’t leave until past midnight, hanging on to ask much as you as she could before she inevitably left. you were leaning on your doorframe, the dreamiest look in your eye, looking up at her like she had hung the moon just for you. 

“i’ll see you tomorrow?”

abby sighed. “i, uh, i have practice tomorrow.”

you smiled at her. “ok… just let me know when you’re free.”

she rolled her eyes. god, can you please take a hint so she doesn’t feel like a dick tomorrow? 

“i mean i guess, whatever,” she snapped. she tried to ignore the way your eyes widened and the way your eyebrows furrowed at her sudden outburst. “i’ll see you later, y/n.” and with that she turned and walked away, ignoring the soft “bye, abby” that left your lips and the way the door closed harder than it normally does. she just couldn’t think about it. she needed to push you out of her mind. she couldn’t let you get too close.

seven days. that’s how long it had been. one week with no contact with you. you had texted, obviously. but she had turned her read receipts off and left you on delivered. maybe if she ignored you enough, was just mean enough to you that day she left your apartment, you would leave her alone. but apparently, nothing can ever go the way she wants. 

wednesday y/n :) hey ellie said she didn’t see you in class today. are you ok? i know how bad that class has been stressing you out. i can bring you dinner tonight if you want, if you’re not feeling well

thursday y/n :) do you wanna meet in the library today around noonish? i know you don’t have a class so i figured i could help you study for that exam if you wanted.

y/n :) if you’re sick let me know, i wouldn’t mind bringing you soup or the notes from your class or whatever

did i do something to upset you? if you could text me when you’re not busy, that’d be great :)

friday y/n :) abby i don’t know what i did but i really miss you please just call me

saturday  y/n :) please just tell me what i did

you sounded desperate and you knew it. but you didn’t care. you were desperate. you had become so close in the past two months and then all of a sudden abby was radio silent. if you didn’t know better you would’ve thought she had fucking died with how quiet she’s been. 

abby had read all of your texts and listened to the two voicemails you left over and over. she just needed to push through. if she ignored you for long enough, you would stop calling and stop texting. you would stop cooking her dinner and inviting her on study dates. you just needed time to grieve the relationship that wasn’t and you’d move on. abby didn’t even think she had let you get to know her that well yet. 

but even though she would never admit it, she missed you. she missed the way you laughed too loudly and spoke too quietly. she missed the way you held on to her arm at parties and when you were just sitting in her car. she missed talking and texting and just being around you. she had lost sleep over your last text message. the guilt was starting to eat her alive.

you hadn’t texted or texted since saturday. it was tuesday. abby had thought that maybe you had moved on already, meaning she needed to get over it too. she didn’t understand why she felt so guilty. 

when she heard a knock on her door at midnight, you were the last person she was expecting to see. 

you were standing here in the exact same outfit she had left you in a week ago. the same shorts and the same slippers. the only difference was that now, your face was bright red and your eyes were filled with tears. your arms were crossed and you were shaking. if abby didn’t know any better, she would think you were freezing. 

“y/n…” she started. she didn’t want to be mean to you. she didn’t want to hurt your feelings more than they had, apparently, already been hurt. “why are you here? are you okay?”

you rolled your eyes at her, hands falling to your sides. “i don’t know, abby. are you?”

abby’s eyebrows were furrowed and it was taking everything in her not to fall to her knees and apologize to you. for hurting you the way she obviously had. 

“yeah, i’m fine. it’s midnight, y/n, did you walk here?” she grabbed your wrist and pulled you inside her apartment. she didn’t want whatever you were about to say to her to be heard by the entire floor.

you rip your wrist from her grasp. “are you sure you’re fine? because you come to my house and watch a movie with me like everything is normal, and then all of sudden you’re ignoring my texts and declining my calls and not showing up to class,” you sighed. you really didn’t want to fight with her, you felt a little silly coming here anyway. you weren’t dating, she wasn’t yours, so she wasn’t obligated to answer your texts. but still. it hurt. 

your lip was quivering when you asked her the question that had been floating around in your brain for almost a week. 

“did i do something wrong?”

your voice was so small and so sweet and so… sad. abby wanted to scoop you up into her arms and kiss your face and apologize over and over again like ‘sorry’ was the only word she knew. she wasn’t angry. she just felt like a dick.

“y/n,” she ran a hand over her face. she was trying to find the right words to tell that it’s not that she didn’t want to be around you. she just couldn’t. “you didn’t do anything wrong. it’s just…” her voice trailed off.

“it’s just what?” you asked, your hands flying up in exasperation. “i’ve heard from so many people that you’re mean and selfish and that you’ll just break my heart and not look back. but that day that you drove me home i though ‘maybe this is different. maybe she’ll actually let me stick around and be her friend.’ but instead of ghosting me right after we met, you waited until i started having a fucking cru-“ you cut yourself off. now was not the time for love confessions. at least not from your end. “you waited until we became close friends and then decided to ditch me!”

your chest was heaving and your hands were shaking. you didn’t know if you wanted to yell at her more or slap her or kiss her until you couldn’t breath.

“y/n but we’re not close friends! you don’t know anything about me!” 

you were taken aback. ‘you don’t know anything about me’? how little had the two months meant to her?

“abby, i know everything about you. your favorite color is green but not lime green, forest green. your favorite food is a grilled cheese but only when i make it. you don’t want to be a professional wrestler because you don’t want to have to be rougher than you already are. you hate cold weather and phone calls, you prefer facetime. i could go on and on about all the stupid little facts i know about you! saying i don’t know anything about you is not only just not true, it fucking hurts.”

abby was just standing there. she didn’t know what to say. obviously, you knew so much about her. she knew that even before you started listing things. she knew that you saw her in a way that nobody else ever had. and that fact scared her to the point where she could barely function. 

“y/n, it’s just…” what the fuck do i say? “i just can’t be around you.”

you looked like she just ripped your heart out and stepped on it. the tears that were pooling in your eyes were now flowing freely down your cheeks. your voice was barely above a whisper when you asked, "why not?"

"because… you're you! you make me nervous! you're so pretty and smart and just so fucking nice to me and i can't be friends with you. i love you so much it fucking hurts. but," abby's eyes filled with tears. she wanted to be close to you so bad it was physically painful. she could cut the tension between the two of you with a knife. "i don't know how to love someone like you, y/n."

you just stared at her. lip quivering, biting back a sob. whatever you were expecting her to say, it wasn't that. 

"i'm sorry, y/n."

you turned your head. you hated that you were letting her see you like this. you were embarrassed and hurt and you didn't really know what to say to her. 

"ok."

abby raised her eyebrow, her mouth falling open. "ok?"

you nodded, wiping the tears that were rolling down your cheeks. "yup. if that's what you want, i'll leave you alone." you grabbed your phone off of her kitchen counter and started walking towards her door. 

abby all but lept to catch up to you, grabbing your wrist. "what? what are you doing?" she was confused. as much as she hates to say it, she expected you to beg. to wear her down so much that she unlearned the way her brain had been wired. 

"i'm leaving, abby. you said you can't be around me and honestly i don't want to be around you either right now," you pulled your hand from her grasp. "i have never been more embarrassed and ashamed-"

"no y/n don't be-"

"do not interrupt me. i am not going to be the girl who comes to your apartment to grovel and beg for you to love her. if you change your mind, or get over," you gestured towards her, "whatever this is, you know where to find me. you can grovel. because i'm not doing this with you."

you opened her door and walked out, turning around to face her one more time. "i love you. so fucking much. but i can't be around someone who refuses to learn how to love me."

you stood there for a moment, expecting her to say something. but she didnt . she just stared. 

you noded once and walked away. leaving abby and her broken heart standing there on her doormat.

[evermetnotforgotten]

Feeding Kangaroos - Danny & Lev

F'd Up Support Group. Danny & Nate belong to @ashintheairlikesnow and I adore all three.

'Sometimes I remember that Lev more or less hooks up with recovering whumpees everywhere he goes' - Ash

content warnings: mentions of past captivity and torture, scars, alcohol, kangaroos, kissing.

Though none out of their little band of Effed-Up Supportees went through the things they did at a particularly young age, it was still hard for Lev not to feel like parts of him that should have grown were missing. Pieces not just in the past, but in the future, too—how many hundreds of hours would be spent in therapy? Or surgery, as Danny had needed to, to remove the literal knife from his back? How many days, weeks, months, lost to panic attacks, nightmares, unlearning the shit their bodies had been taught?

He always felt like there was never enough time left. Like he had been drained of it.

But when Danny, only Chem at the time, had not only understood exactly what Lev meant when he’d tried to describe what all of that felt like, but had also offered up three more thoughts he’d thought he’d never have the words to explain to anyone, not even Graham…

“Yeah, L—it feels like my sense of time has changed completely. And, um, sometimes I think I’m just living as if I’m going to be taken away again, like this part is the dream and I’ll wake up. And, um… sometimes it’s easier just to do what A—what the voice in my head tells me to do, instead of fighting it. I know it’s bad, but… some days it’s too hard.”

That was when Lev knew he had to meet him one day.

Nate and Graham were currently off letting them go places by themselves from a table at the sanctuary café. Which was something they were trying under the advice of their guests, and it was nice, actually. There was only so many times Lev could say ‘I love you but you’re smothering me’ without feeling guilty for being the bad guy, when all Graham wanted to do was help.

The roos were nonchalant about their presence save for the fact that they were carrying snacks, turning their ears and tilting their little fluffy faces up at the promise of food. Lev and Danny had listened to the keeper talk about how the kangaroos were raised and kept—Lev had been careful to pick a place that kept little Eastern Greys and not Reds—and now they could feed and pet them.

“It tickles,“ Danny said, eyes alight with joy as the kangaroo hoovered up the pellets from the palm of his hand. “Do you see them outside of the zoo?”

“Sometimes yeah, but not so much in the city. If you’re closer to the nature reserves or the coast, then maybe, yeah—you’re a cheeky little fucker aren’t you?” He said to one of the roos as it nudged the other out of the way with an insistent paw. He split the pellets between his hands so that the other could have some. Two sets of lips and little incisors gently scraping against each hand, and then the roos would sit up and look around, ears flicking lazily. Sounds of munching all around.

Danny sat hunched over in a little ball, habit of wanting to exist less, Lev recognised. Still with his thick sweater on despite the temperature, but Danny had often described feeling horrendously cold in their online sessions. Lev had only just officially met the man, but he felt like he’d known him far longer than that—in the support group, sure, but also in the mirror each morning.

“I didn’t expect them to be so… friendly,” Danny said, taking another handful of feed out.

“What did you expect?”

“I’m… not, um, not sure… I guess you always see the videos of people, like, facing off against these huge kangaroos. Or of them fighting each other.”

“Oof, yeah, you don’t want to get in the middle of something like that. But most Aussies know not to fuck with a completely jacked adult male kangaroo. Most,” he emphasised.

“But these guys are really little and cute.” Danny laughed as one of the roos went snuffling along his arm for more treats.

And if the man’s soft questions about the quality of the animals’ care to the keeper only minutes ago had made Lev’s heart ache—where do they sleep? Is it, um, is it warm?—his bright and brilliant laugh right now was making it sing.

Danny took another handful of pellets out of the paper bag and held them up to the kangaroo’s mouth. He knew that he was self-conscious of the thick, ropey scars along the backs of those hands, pale skin woven through with deep pink. The way he’d spoken about it in the support group was almost like a confession, as if Danny was ashamed that some motherfucking degenerate had taken it upon himself to cut and cut and cut and cut his hands apart so many times they hurt just to look at.

But something like this was usually good, Lev found—to have hands that had only known pain for so long, so long, doing something pure, something kind, like feeding and petting a cute animal. Like holding a good drink. Like touching a lover.

This body can still do things. This body is mine. He knew that mantra well. Knew Daniel Michaelson did too.

It was moments like this, with Lev’s own flannel sun-warm against his back, the snuffle of whiskers and wiry, soft fur against his hand, and the sight of red hair almost golden with the afternoon light… seemingly small, inconsequential things, but they all made Lev feel like he had just a little bit more time.

-

“You’re so fuckin’ tall, Danny,” Lev sighed. “Did anyone ever tell you that?”

“No,” Danny shot back dryly, stifling a hiccup with the back of his hand. “You’re the very fi-rst person. Congrat-ulations.”

There was a looseness to Danny’s shoulders that the pear ciders had helped bring out. They stood in the softly-lit corridor of Lev and Graham’s apartment, the sounds of the other two laughing at some terrible movie he couldn’t even remember the name of floating through the air, and Lev had really wanted to talk to Daniel Michaelson privately, face-to-face—but he couldn’t because he’s too fucking tall.

“Maybe you’re just short?” Danny teased, he teased, a small miracle in and of itself, and Lev didn’t know when their fingers had become intertwined, but they are, now. For a moment he thinks that he should withdraw, apologise, he hadn’t asked first, fuck, he should have asked first—but Danny doesn’t seem to be tense. If anything, the chemical-hardened pads of the other man’s fingertips moved in response to his own, mirroring. The edge of the sweater, pulled down to cover Danny’s hands, was soft. The touch was soft too.

“Hii Chem,” Lev sang warmly.

Danny laughed, hoarse but light. “Hi L. What did you, um, want to talk about?”

Like a small dog with a short attention span, Lev had already forgotten. He couldn’t just stand there silently though, could he? He let his eyes drift the length of the scar over Danny’s nose. “Jus’ wanted to take a look at’cha.”

Seeing how quickly Danny’s face fell rocked him. “I…”

“Sorry,” Lev stammered, “didn’t mean to, uh, fuck…” Didn’t mean to fuck? Jesus—

A sad smile crept back onto Danny’s lips, something uncertain in his eyes still, and the alcohol was making it hard to place… or maybe Lev was just an idiot. You don’t pressure a man who’d had the word no quite literally beaten out of him. Lev was a fool.

“I just…” Danny trailed, sighing. “You don’t need to, um… who’d wanna look at this?”

Lev offered a sincere look. “I do.” Two words that had left his mouth before he could consider them.

He took a step towards Danny—and then, severely underestimating the distance, pitched, keeling sideways with a whoa, falling flat on his ass. Danny rushed down after him.

"Oh my god, are you alright?” His hands came out of hiding to hold Lev by the shoulders, starting.

“Yeah,” Lev laughed, “I’m a clumsy bastard, but I’m alright.”

Danny chuckled. “You’re not a bastard.”

“Everything okay?” A call from the living room. Nate, sounding concerned.

“Yeah I just—wanted to show Danny the floor, it’s just, it’s very comfy,” Lev called back. “And smooth. Very smooth.”

“They got smooth floors down undah, Nate,” Danny called in an impossibly bad accent. Lev’s eyebrows shot up and he laughed freely, caught off-guard by the moment and the thought that, shit, he really wanted to kiss him.

A low mutter—and the sound of Nate laughing. A joke likely at their expense, but Lev was too busy reclaiming Danny’s hands to notice. His mind was alternating between blur and hyperfocus, the way it usually did with the drink, and right now the backs of those hands were the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.

He trailed his thumbs up and over the raised, mottled skin. “Do you feel any of this, or is it numb?"

"It’s, um, not numb… I can feel the bits in-between better.” Danny’s hands withdrew, back into his sleeves… but more out of shyness, it seemed, than discomfort. They took Lev’s hands with them.

“Do they still get achey?”

“Not really… not as much as…” Danny gestured to his back. The stab wound.

Lev nodded, noting the way the man’s shoulders had curled inwards, but not all the way. “Mine uhh… I can’t remember if I’ve told you, I’ve got whip and cane scars on my back, and then the uh, the brand in the middle. D’you wanna see?”

Before the man could respond Lev’s shirt was already up over his shoulders, hanging around his neck. He pulled his arms from the sleeves to better show the scars there, too.

Danny’s expression was unreadable. “Do you, um… can I touch them?”

“Sure, go ‘head.” He turned to the side.

Fingers curiously roamed over his forearms, shoulders, ribs, back. Countless kisses from the knife—he hadn’t been able to get Martin out of his head on that one, they were kisses and they might always be—written across his skin in ways he’d never be able to reverse. Some days he’d made peace with that. Some days he hadn’t.

But when his scars were touched now, whether by Graham, or now by Danny, they were touched with deep respect for the body that bore them. Something to be cherished, taken care of. Not desecrated.

Lev tilted his head. “I still hate when people—not you, people I don’t know—look at them, or try to talk about them. There was someone who brought up that Japanese pottery where they fill in cracks with gold? And yeah, I always thought that was really beautiful… but that’s not me. I’m not… I’m not that.

“Which is why I liked our group, actually—someone like Marisha describing herself as feeling like a little pull-string toy? That’s okay, because she said it first. But until then you don’t assign the metaphor to someone.” He raised a finger, because now he was tipsy and he was making a point. “You especially don’t keep doing it when they tell you not to.”

Danny’s eyes flicked up from his arms to his face. A little smirk. “You were saying that, a few sessions ago…”

“Sorry, it just really got to me.” Lev offered a sheepish smile. His eyes caught on the ring of scarring around Danny’s neck, likely too much of a breach to try and touch those. Instead he settled on scar across Danny’s nose, again. “Do you mind if I…?”

A nod. Lev reached out to trace the length of it, from the side of the cheek near the ear, all the way up to the middle of the nose. Danny went incredibly still, but then relaxed under his touch, lashes fluttering.

Lev reached up to brush some of that wild red hair away. It felt as soft as it looked.

“Um, can I—”

“You—”

The next thing Lev knew, Daniel Michaelson was kissing him.

[hotchley]

Similar to the Jack and Garcia Snapchat ask.

I like the idea of Derek and Hotch dating for a little while and Derek loves seeing the softer side to the boss man and taking so many pictures to keep on his phone. He looks through them whenever he's stressed which might have been how the team found out they were together 😉

Oh my god I love this so much and I wanted to turn into a drabble but words are a no-go right now so have some headcanons instead!!

Also, after yesterday’s debacle it’s really funny to see Derek and Hotch because it just drives the point home- anyways. And these also got slightly morbid somewhere in the middle so erm, yeah! There’s nice shit at the end though!

the thing is, even though they’re together, they’re still professionals which means at work, they’re not Derek and Aaron, they’re Hotch and Morgan

which means that Hotch is his usual cold, put together, unemotional self because he has to be and Morgan gets that- he really does- but he misses the soft Hotch

which is why, when they’re at home, every time Hotch does something domestic- whether it’s playing with Jack, smiling at the tv, wearing his glasses, making dinner, etc, Derek is taking a photo

there’s a few reasons behind this: one is that he really does enjoy watching Hotch be soft, but the other is that he’s so fucking terrified of losing him and not having something tangible to remember him by

he sees all the photos of Haley that are just around the apartment, and the home videos of her, and he doesn’t feel any sort of jealousy, but he does want to make sure that if something does happen- and he knows it’s morbid- there is a piece of Aaron

besides, Aaron’s done the same thing. There are so many fucking letters for Jack that he’s already written, just in case something does happen to him because this is their life and nothing is guaranteed

anyways, I digress and also just basically explained the whole plot of preparations

Hotch is completely unaware that any of these photos exist- and with good reason, if he saw them he would despise them

well he would secretly love that Derek loves him so much and that he thinks he’s cute enough to actually photograph but also he’s HOTCH :| and needs to be the stoic one (Derek is helping him unlearn that particular one though it’s okay)

Derek doesn’t even realise he looks through them when he’s stressed, it just sort of becomes a subconscious thing he does without even realising that he’s doing it because it soothes him and reminds him of why punching Hotch during a case would be a bad idea

 but then one day, they’re on a case, tensions are running high and Morgan snapped at Hotch and Hotch raised his voice and it just Was Not Good (poor Reid looked like he was going to start crying)

still, it was necessary because Morgan is the only one that will actually tell Hotch he’s being an idiot and Hotch needs to trust that Morgan can and will do it so, swings and roundabouts

anyways, they aren’t sharing a room- Reid is with Morgan, Hotch is with Rossi- which means there’s no chance for the two of them to make up properly

and then Hotch gets injured trying to take down the unsub. And when I say injured, I mean Emily immediately called for a paramedic and he ends up in the hospital

realistically, they know he’s going to be fine and he’ll be walking around, demanding his bag and the name of the unsub’s defence lawyer any moment now

but there is always a fear that this will be the thing that finally does him in. That this time, he won’t be able to fight and they will have to tell him to let go and then Jack will be alone-

Derek starts looking at the photos, not even aware that he’s doing it

there’s one that he can’t seem to scroll past, from right before they got called out on the case

it’s Aaron, wearing his reading glasses, telling Jack, who is sat in his lap and staring at his dad like he’s the only person in the world that matters, about the day him and Haley met and it’s beautiful

then from behind him, Penelope is like: you love him, don’t you? and that’s when Derek realises what he’s looking at 

he opens his mouth to deny it because NO! but then he realises that he does and he breaks down right there because fuck him, he loves this stupid man with his stupid dimple and he may never get to say it

he just nods and Penelope takes his hand, presses a gentle kiss to it and says that she always knew, from the moment the two of them came to interrogate her, that there was something deeper than friendship between them

it hadn’t always been romantic love (he was obviously still so beautifully in love with Haley) but it had definitely been love

the team also slowly clock what’s going on and it’s what has them all just wishing for Hotch to pull through

he does, and they all rush in there- completely ignoring the two person rule because fuck that, it’s Hotch and he needs to see all of them to make sure they’re all okay

the first thing Morgan does is kiss him, on the forehead because he still looks like shit and making out will probably just strain his neck and not be a good plan

Hotch is just like: huh? what is- and then he sees the team and goes all red and flustered because DEREK

and then Derek is just like: Aaron I love you so, so much

and Hotch is just like: I- what? I love you as well but DEREK THE TEAM!!

and that’s how he finds out about all the photos of him just doing domestic things because Penelope tells him

he starts doing the same thing though so it’s fine

[matchasprouts]

Listen Closer - Chapter 2

[ your honour, i simply love him. also this may become my focus for a while so idk if The Walls and Ashes will keep getting semi-regular updates ]

First || Next || Previous || Last

“Do you ever think about making traps that aren’t iron maidens?” Amanda asked, looking up from her own work to watch Garrett attach a chain to a literal iron maiden.

Garrett glanced at her before scoffing and placing the collar on the chain down on the ground as he went around to the back of the maiden to check the pulley the chain was attached to. “I think about plenty of traps. Iron maidens are just my favourite. Would you rather I-”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Amanda cut him off, already knowing he was about to spew some shit on medieval torture methods. “I was just curious. I mean, they work, so I’m not complaining. And it keeps you busy.”

Right. Because if he wasn’t building or designing a trap he was writing, and that would be falling back on what he was trying to unlearn.

When he went to respond, he was cut off yet again by his phone ringing. He answered it almost immediately, since the only people with that number were his Jigsaw associates. “Yeah?” he greeted, tucking the phone under his ear as he got back to work.

“Garrett. I am in the car, outside. I need your help,” came the voice of John through the phone, the way he spoke making Garrett chuckle to himself. “Be prepared to carry a person.” Oh! There was no scheduled game for today?

Garrett once again tried to reply, just for John to hang up. He let out an annoyed groan, but flipped the phone shut and tossed it on the table. “Don’t touch my trap,” he told Amanda, before pulling down his sleeves and jogging outside to help John.

He was ninety percent sure he heard her fucking with his trap as soon as he left.

---

“Who in the FUCK is this guy?” Garrett asked, struggling slightly to keep John’s newest victim standing, his limp body leaning heavily into him. Garrett was the strongest of the three of them, sure, and the second tallest but this guy was HUGE. He had to be at least 6’0, and carrying him was like carrying a brick wall.

John glanced at him, a vague amusement in his eyes but a neutral look on his face. “That, Garrett, is Detective Mark Hoffman. Normally I don’t go after cops if I had no evidence that they’re dirty, but he attempted to frame us, and I cannot tolerate that. Getting caught myself doesn’t matter. Keeping you and Amanda safe does.”

Aww, murder dad moments. Better than the dad Garrett used to have. “Right,” he let out a huff, readjusting Mark as he dragged him through the room, FINALLY dropping him into a chair in the middle of the workshop. “No wonder he’s a detective, the man’s a fucking giant.”

He stood in front of the still passed out detective, giving him a proper look over. He was big, like he’d already said, with short dark brown hair that had looked black outside. He had surprisingly well formed lips for a presumably cis white guy, and Garrett surprised himself with the thought that they looked awfully biteable.

Ah, there’s his gay instinct. He’d been wondering where it had gone, since it hadn’t fucked him over when he’d met that Adam Faulkner guy- who was definitely cute, but also now haunting him, which kind of ruins the appeal.

Moving on from that, Hoffman also had a little bit of scruff on his jaw, which Garrett quickly realized was what he’d felt on his temple while he was carrying him to the chair.

His little inspection was cut short when John began setting up the trap, strapping Hoffman to the chair with a shotgun strapped to his chest, the barrel directly under his chin.

“That doesn’t look very escapable,” Garrett joked, sending a short look to Amanda, who immediately looked away, at least having the decency to be embarrassed about her rigged traps.

“You would be surprised what human beings will do to escape entrapment,” John replied simply. “But this one is not built for him to escape from on his own. I’m going to make him an offer.”

He looked at his two apprentices, gesturing for Amanda to come over to them. “I want both of you to keep working on your games tonight, out of the warehouse. I know much about the detective, but not everything. I’m not going to risk him lashing out.”

Of course. John Kramer was nothing if not protective of his apprentices. Theoretically, Hoffman would fall into this category when the night was over. “Well, my iron maiden’s done,” Garrett said, glancing back at his newest device. “My game could take place soon, if not tomorrow. I know where the player will be.”

John nodded at this. “Good. Run your game then. If all goes as planned tonight, it will be good for our newest recruit to see one of you in action. Maybe he’ll learn something. Now go, both of you.”

Usually, Amanda argued when he dismissed her, but apparently she could see that he was serious, and simply packed her things and left. Garrett looked at Hoffman one last time before doing the same.

He could hear Hoffman begin to stir as he stepped out the door, and he found himself hoping that everything would go smoothly tonight.

Gay ass.

---

“Man, just carrying bodies is giving me a work-out,” Garrett muttered under his breath as he readjusted the woman slung over his shoulder, finally lowering her to the ground of the room her game would be taking place in.

As much as he wanted to do one of those big, multi-room games he’d seen John put on, he just didn’t have enough experience for those yet. So, it was a single room, with a single trap. Since it was small, he’d chosen someone with a small offense.

He’d even gotten to record the tape himself.

The collar let out a satisfying click as he fixed it onto the player’s neck, humming a soft tune as he gave it a tug to ensure it was one correctly.

There was a key for her to get in the middle of the room, just barely out of reach of the chain. She’d really have to get creative with getting to it. He checked the chain itself as well, ensuring it wouldn’t break off. He finished his check-up with a look at the hinges on the doors of the iron maiden, and the pulley attached to the chain.

The player was starting to stir, so he placed the tape recorder next to her and took his chance to leave. After all, if she survived, he really needed her to not see his face.

Soon enough, he took his place in the camera room, leaning back in his chair and propping his feet up on the desk.

“Do you always watch your games like that?” he heard someone speak up, looking to the door that Hoffman had just come through. He tilted his head at the detective, before grinning at him.

“Sure do,” Garrett replied, turning back to the screens. “Well, I would, if this wasn’t my first game. Usually I’m tinkering with something while John’s games are running.”

The player had woken up by then, clicking the tape on and cutting off the conversation.

“Hello Cara. I want to play a game,” the tape said, the voice making Garrett smile. It had been hard work getting his distorted voice to sound similar enough to the original Jigsaw’s. “For years you have kept yourself in a closet of your own creation in order to help others rise above you, allowing them to steal your work.”

“Well, unless you want that closet to become your death, you will rise above that today. Before you is a box, and inside it is the key to your freedom. You will have to work to get it. You have ten minutes. If you do not get to the key in time, the closet behind you will become your coffin. Live or die, Cara. Make your choice.”

The tape clicked off after that, and Cara did exactly what Garrett guessed she would- run straight for the box and find out the hard way that the chain was just barely short of the required length to grab it.

“This is usually the part where they start screaming for help and panicking. I gave her ten minutes because I knew she would, and that’s when a lot of people tend to die. I wanted to give her a fair chance.”

That almost seemed nice, but it was a lie. Garrett liked watching them thrash around and panic. The more time they had alive, the more time they could slowly go insane.

Hoffman had moved closer at some point, now sitting next to him in a chair that he’d pulled over to the desk. This was the first time Garrett had seen him since last night, so he finally got a chance to look at his eyes.

For someone who wasn’t a fan of blue eyes, Garrett thought Hoffman’s were gorgeous. He very, very quickly looked away, turning his attention back to his game.

“Did you build the iron maiden yourself?” Hoffman asked, and Garrett scoffed at the question.

“No, unfortunately. I didn’t have enough time to build one from the ground up,” he answered with a soft, disappointed sigh. “I found most of it from a collector that built replicas of medieval shit, but never got around to completing it. I finished it off, added the extras.”

Hoffman gave a hum of acknowledgement, his gaze glued to the screen in front of them. “How is this supposed to help her? How did it even help you?” There it was. Since Hoffman hadn’t gone through a real game, he didn’t feel the same as Garrett and Amanda. He didn’t understand it like they did.

Garrett readjusted himself in his chair, tilting his head at the screen. “I don’t want to tear every person I see to shreds anymore,” he offered with a shrug. “I don’t feel like screaming for hours on end until my throat bleeds. I’d say it worked pretty well on me. Sometimes you just need that kind of release.”

“For her, she’s supposed to learn her worth. She’s not just the sum of what she can do for others, what’s more important is what she can do for herself. And she needs to figure that out. I don’t want her to die. Why would I? That’s not the point.”

He didn’t notice Hoffman turning to look at him while he spoke, so he almost flinched when he glanced over and made eye contact with him. They held each other’s gazes for a moment, before they both looked back to the screen.

Cara really was trying to get that box, having now resorted to removing her belt and attempting to loop it around the box. It took a few tries, but she finally got a grip on the box and pulled it over to herself.

She scrambled to open it, and Garrett glanced at the timer.

Eight seconds.

“She’s not going to make it,” he realized aloud. He hadn’t even noticed how quickly time was passing, but he didn’t feel anything when the timer went off, or when Cara screamed as the chain yanked back, dragging her into the iron maiden.

Her screams became wet and gurgled when the doors of the maiden closed on her. Blood seeped out of the cracks at the bottom of the door. He just stared at the screen.

“Huh. Maybe ten minutes wasn’t enough time. Shame. I was really looking forward to seeing her get better.” With that, he stood up, turned off the screen, and headed back to the room to leave the iconic jigsaw piece in her skin. Hoffman followed, and watched him do it. “Most important part, if they die,” Garrett told him as he cut the skin with a scalpel John had given him, closing the door again when he was done.

And then he turned to Hoffman, his head tilted to the side in a curious motion. “Will you be the detective on the case? I suppose this will be your first test of loyalty, hm? I’d hate to kill you. You’re very pretty.”

He gave Hoffman a pat on the shoulder as he left the room, leaving him to think on what he’d said. It wasn’t a threat, but it was clear that he would kill him if needed. But he genuinely did not want to.

A smile formed when he heard Hoffman follow him out of the room. It was nice to have another apprentice, and it was looking like they’d get along.

[seriously-really-soft]

Kirishima with a fat s/o

a/n: after a long break, i offer you headcanons with kirishima! feedback is totally welcome and i’d be happy to hear from you guys! i hope you’re doing well, and im happy to make more and more inclusive content, content that makes you feel seen and realize how lovely you are just as you are

A whole bean!!! You never have to wonder how highly he thinks of you when his actions, his way of speaking to you, and the way he looks at you make it pretty evident that he’s head over heels for you. When he speaks there is sincerity and softness, and when he looks at you it’s with this gentle sweetness where everything in the world feels like magic. The way his face and the tips of his ears flush at the thought of you or after stealing a glance of you while your mind’s preoccupied is a reassurance to the whole world how real and beautiful true love is. It’s the kind of thing that makes you realize that wow, there is good in the world after all when you feel like there really isn’t any. He understands how hard it can be to accept compliments and believe the wonderful things people tell you about yourself, so he makes sure you know that no matter how long it takes for his words to really sink in, he will never tire of telling you over and over again how lovely all of you is.

Kirishima is soft and earnest, he is also weak for the inherent loveliness in jiggling. He would actually get so soft over your beautiful tummy and would tolerate absolutely zero disrespect towards your body. He thinks the way your thighs touch and the way they squish to be adorable as h*ck, and sometimes he truly cannot help from saying out loud “woah that’s so cute 🥰”. Also also! He takes loads of candids of you and changes the wallpaper of his lock screen pretty frequently because he has trouble sticking to just one picture of your beautiful self.

He legitimately sees stretch marks as something akin to art, and he admires the way cellulite looks. It doesn’t matter if your butt’s tiny or big, if your body and its proportions don’t make sense to you, there is no right way to have a body and the way being fat looks on you is absolutely valid, Kirishima will not hesitate to let you know how much he loves you, how beautiful he knows you are over and over again. He’s in love with every single part of you - from the folds of your back to the beauty spots and acne/keratosis pilaris found anywhere on you. Hip dips? The cute curve that forms on them when you sit? Absolutely gorgeous, end of story. Sagging anywhere? Cute cute cute, and Kirishima will not fail to remind you of that.

The compliments are non stop with this one. He is so proud of you for any and every progress towards your journey towards loving yourself. If you ever feel ashamed of the way your body exists or if you ever struggle with your relationship with food, Kirishima is open about telling you how okay it is to just be yourself and to just listen to your body with as little judgment as possible. You deserve to have your emotional and physical needs met, to listen to your body’s needs, and to have those needs met.

I feel like Kirishima would be big on telling you how you’re always deserving of love and how you’re still a magnificent person even when you don’t feel like it. Unlearning fatphobia and pushing to love yourself can be such a tough process (that’s an understatement), and Kirishima is all for learning to be intuitive with yourself, for learning to value what your body has to say. He really is there to support you every step of the way and you never have to wonder how precious all of you is.

[chillafqueen]

This started off as a rant piece but then turned into an essay about my feelings about the show so definite Sex Education Season 3 spoilers under the cut

Literally do not try to argue with me I do not care

Tagging this only as sex education spoilers and sex education season 3 spoilers so hopefully it only shows up in those tags for people filtering it because I don't really care to make this a discussion I just needed to get this out my head

We seem to be in this golden age of media where we no longer care about character development or story development.

only ships and ships only, if your ship breaks up or it doesn't happen it's queer baiting or it's straight baiting or it's misogynistic or it's shitty writing

And I'm aiming this mostly at the Sex Education fandom just because I've seen /some/ people claiming it as such.

Ruby and Otis were cute together trust me I loved it. But it's not bad writing for them to break up it's not objectifying as a ship point to further along Otis and Mauve

Or the same goes from Adam and Eric

It's a show about high school. Even if it's a show, realistically these people won't stay together forever

It's take realistic routes for these characters

And we need to think critically about it

Ruby and Otis might just be a stepping stone towards endgame Otis x Mauve but it's not wasting Ruby or bad writing

It's sad to see, I really loved Ruby's development and her dynamic with Otis was adorable and I loved watching them grow

Ruby grew from this relationship. Did you really think the first person she trusted and loved was gonna be the person she married? No that's unrealistic and truly bad writing

These relationship, their highs and their lows and their break ups are there for each character's development

Sure Ruby got her heart broken but she also learned and hopefully she grows from it

She started off a rude, selfish bitch obsessed with status, image and popularity

Then she opens up and allows herself to be vulnerable

She shows Otis her house her family and that her real life isn't as glamorous as she puts on it's scary and she thinks that he will judge her and leave but he doesn't

He treats her with the same amount of respect that he had before he knew these personal parts of her

And sure now that she got hurt she could regress, she might think that she was right all along that once she shows her inner self to someone they'll hurt her just like Otis did or she grows from it and realizes that what she thinks the unattractive parts of herself aren't as bad as she thought and she'll learn and grow to be nicer and less judgemental and less distrustful and she'll meet more people and learn that looks and popularity aren't everything and one day she will find someone who loves her just as much as she loves them

Otis didn't love her, he had strong feelings for her but he wasn't on the same page as Ruby and even though he said those feelings could develop with time and that there's no guarantee that his feelings won't grow into love, Ruby had every right to set boundaries and end the relationship. She has every right to expect her partner be on the same page as her. And also she's a teenager she can end a relationship with her high school boyfriend because he doesn't love her back. If she wants to wait and continue the relationship hoping Otis would eventually reciprocate her love, then she could. But she was hurt and felt dejected and she decided to cut her losses rather waste her time if Otis couldn't love her back. She had every right to do so. It's not bad writing. She's not the type to hopelessly pine after someone who doesn't love her back. She is a bad bitch who moves on and does better.

And while Otis doesn't really gain much from the relationship except that he hurt Ruby he still continues to develop as a character

And there's a message there that it's hard to love someone when you never got closure from your past love

His relationship with Ola failed because of his unresolved feelings with Maeve and then his next relationship with Ruby also fails because he can't love her because of his unresolved feelings and lack of closure with Maeve and he also learns that

But also it's okay to not feel the same way about someone. And Jakob was right when he assured Otis that it was right to be honest with Ruby. Even if he hurt her, it was best to be honest and hurt her than lie to her and lead her on with a lie. It wouldn't be good for Otis and it wouldn't be good for Ruby if Otis just lied saying he loved her back.

And even if Ruby was just a plot device for potentially endgame Otis and Maeve then big deal.

It's kinda obvious that Maeve and Otis are the main goal and target relationship of the show.

And it's a common trope with them in the show that they are never in the same place at the right time.

Otis has feelings for Maeve but she's with Jackson. He tries to move on and dates Ola. And when he's no longer available it's when Maeve realizes her feelings for Otis and it's shown that Otis still very obviously has feelings for her even while in a relationship with Ola and it effects the relationship until it falls apart when Ola finds out that not only does Otis has feelings for Maeve but he holds Maeve in higher regards than her.

So the relationship ends

So does that mean Maeve and Otis will be together now that Ola and Otis are.over? No because neither of them are on the same page.

And so they miss the opportunity. Then they fight and their friendship is over

Then Isaac deletes the voicemail of Otis confessing and apologizing to Maeve and asking for them to try again

So Maeve misses that opportunity because she doesn't even know. And Otis doesn't know that she never heard the voicemail and thinks she's rejecting him so he tries to get over her.

And when he moves on, Maeve takes that as him saying their friendship and whatever she thought could happen was over. He was with Ruby, so obviously he didn't have feelings for Maeve

And then Ruby and Otis break up and Maeve and Otis talk and finally are on the same page and kiss

But oops, Maeve has feelings for Isaac and things seem to be going well so she's not going to ruin that for a chance with Otis

Then Isaac finds out that Maeve and Otis kissed and ends things.

So now Maeve and Otis can be together right? Otis is single and so is Maeve and feelings are out there. Well things look good until Maeve can't miss the chance to take that exchange program to study in America.

But they're technically together??? Maybe they can be long distance? Maybe they will wait for each other?

Their entire theme is not ever being at the same place at the same time. Something always comes up. One of them is always in a relationship when the other isn't. Or something comes up where they aren't available or now, Maeve is going to another country for a few months, just as things were going to happen.

Why does it have to be that way? Why can't your favorite ship be endgame just because you like it? Because it's not your show. You didn't produce it or write it. You are not entitled to have the show cater to your every want. These writers have a specific vision in mind and they may or may not already have a set ending in place. The moment they presented their idea to a network they might've already had their endgame ship set in stone.

It's not bad writing if your ship isn't endgame. It isn't objectification if a character was written in a way just to further the plot in a certain way. That's how stories work.

That being said, Eric and Adam was the same way.

They both grew because of their relationship and they learned.

Was it shitty of Eric to cheat on Adam and not tell him right away? Sure, yes.

But he learned that even if he loved Adam and was content in their relationship, it was caging him. He is a different person from Adam. He had his own dreams, likes, boundaries and such. And as does Adam. But those differences can hold each other back and hurt each other.

Eric is comfortable with his sexuality. He is gay and proud and he happens to have a lot of stereotypical gay hobbies and interests. He likes camp, he likes drag, he likes makeup and he is comfortable with his sexuality and doesn't care what others think and so he wants to be all these things out there in the world.

Adam doesn't. Adam is in his first gay relationship after slowly coming to terms with his sexuality. He's not out there like Eric. His mom doesn't know about them and he's scared of telling her, and he especially doesn't want his dad to know.

He was raised the same way his father was, which we find out this season. He gets taught toxic masculinity. He is taught any weakness is feminine and weak and bad. Being vulnerable is bad, expressing soft emotion is bad. And that cultivates into anger and violence.

He is emotionally stunted because of it. And he is slowly unlearning it.

He slowly comes to terms with his sexuality, and he slowly learns to be emotional and vulnerable. And Eric helps a lot with it. Eric is patient and encouraging.

But Adam is still a different person than Eric. He is shy, he is slowly becoming more out every day, he's learning to express himself through meaningful ways, but it's in ways different than how Eric does.

He likes makeup and dancing but maybe he's not ready to go out in the world doing that. Or he is just a private person and no matter how comfortable he gets with himself he may never want to go out to a gay club and dance and wear makeup

But Eric does.

Eric wants to go out he wants to be gay and free and open. That's his personality and he's had a longer time accepting himself and learning not to be afraid of public perception because he knows there's people out there like him. But Adam isn't.

And Eric has every right to break up with Adam because he is young and he doesn't have to stay grounded. He has yet to experience everything he wants and has yet to really know himself. But being with Adam halts that because Adam isn't like him.

Eric is learning to experience life and fly free and he's not afraid of going out there and living life to the fullest. In a way Adam doesn't.

And that's okay. That's real life.

People grow at different rates and in different directions. Let them grow even if it's away from you.

And by the end Adam is hurt but he is a different person because of Eric and for the better.

He is learning to be himself. He is learning how to express himself, to reach out for help, to be open with others. And that's a lot of progress.

He is hurt, his first love, his first gay love broke his heart. But he is stronger than before.

And Eric is free to continue spreading his wings not afraid of being held down by someone not in the same place as him.

And that's what the show is really about.

It's about these teenagers growing and learning and becoming better people. They will change and they will develop into new forms of themselves with each new relationship and challenge.

Love isn't the ultimate goal. It's being yourself and doing what is best for yourself.

Ruby and Otis were really cute together. I really did root for them and I really loved watching Ruby slowly change for the better. And I hope she continues to.

And I really loved Adam and Eric together but Eric cheated and he realized while it was wrong it made him realize that his relationship with Adam is stunting his growth.

You meet people and they may hurt you or you may hurt them but that's how life goes. And hopefully you impacted each relationship in a meaningful way even if it's not the way you intended. That you learn a lesson or you are the lesson.

It's truly brilliant writing. It's realistic, it's diverse, it's open and fresh, but witty and sometimes cheap but Jesus Christ it's not about you and your ship. You are here to watch the story unfold. And maybe get inspired or just be entertained.

When the story takes a turn you don't like it's not always bad writing.

It's only bad writing when it makes no sense, cut corners, is inherently offensive with no meaning to it, or completely does a 180 on all the character progress or other examples.

Hopefully the story ends with meaning. Maybe Otis and Maeve are endgame. Maybe they breakup and meet later in life. Or maybe Otis reconnects with Ruby. Or he meets someone new entirely.

Or maybe he ends the show single and just as involved in his career as his father was or whatnot.

And maybe Maeve also gets so involved with just making it in life that she has no room for a relationship. Or she meets someone new or reconnects with Isaac.

I love that even though the story points to Otis and Maeve endgame it's not the only story or romance explored.

We see Aimee is still struggling with her assault but she's willing to get help and that she learns to stand up for herself and do what makes her happy even if it may upset others, like breaking up with Steve even though he has been nothing be supportive.

I really enjoyed Cal and their introduction. And I enjoyed seeing Jackson be more and more open to trying and learning new things. He is just wanting to find himself and feel fulfilled. And I loved seeing Cal set boundaries with their identity and Jackson.

If Jackson can't accept that Cal isn't a girl and so that means if they were together it would indeed be a queer relationship and that would make Jackson not straight. And Jackson trying to bargain and negotiate while Cal stood firm was insightful.

Because I too, like Jackson, even if subconscious, still perceived Cal as a girl in some way even if I completely understand their identity and will help accommodate it in anyway. And it's just about unlearning the norms I was raised with. Even if I accept and understand, there is always room for more learning. But another thing with Cal, it's not their responsibility to fight.

If they don't want to lead the fight for gender rights and equality then they don't have to.

If you can't accept or won't listen, it's not their responsibility to make you change your ways but they will not respect you and they will not come quietly.

It is not every non-binary, trans, gay, bi, pan, ace, lesbian or anyone who isn't like you, person's responsibility to teach you or answer your questions or change your perception

And that was quite refreshing to see and I really admired seeing that in this show

And also showing that each non-binary person is different. Layla isn't willing to even challenge the system. Because they are scared and from what we see in the last episode, they aren't out to their family. They aren't ready and aren't comfortable trying to fight and that is their right.

And then seeing Cal teach Layla how to bind properly is a good lesson to anyone watching the show that might be binding incorrectly.

And then I also really enjoyed seeing Vivienne and her long distance boyfriend Eugene.

I was happy to see that her jealousy of Cal wasn't because she saw Cal as a romantic rival but friendship rival. Jackson and Vivienne were drifting apart due to their opposing views on Hope and that Viv took Jackson's place as Head girl.

And also seeing Vivienne's boyfriend be some hot, refined man was satisfying to see.

I also loved seeing Maeve learn to accept help and kindness. I was so scared that he and Aimee would never make up but they did and it was the most beautiful thing to see because they are the best friend goals to ever bless the tv world.

And I loved that Isaac wasn't depicted as just some poor helpless paraplegic but he had character and he had talent and he was never seen less than. He was a witty asshole!

And he even got the girl for a while! And he has standards!

I mean sure I don't feel that bad about his feelings getting hurt by Maeve because he took it upon himself to make a decision for Maeve and manipulating the situation for his own selfish crush on Maeve. I mean you didn't let her make the choice. You deleted the voicemail and so she thought Otis still hated her and refused to apologize. Sure she ended up getting feelings for you but because you intervened and lied she never got the chance to truly get closure with Otis because you knew that if she heard the message she'd go to him

Sure you didn't deserve her kissing Otis when you two obviously had something going on but... What did you expect?

And my last thoughts are Jakob and Jean. I liked them together in the beginning but it became apparent that they are two very different people. They just don't fit.

At first I couldn't understand Jakob's distrust of Jean, I mean she messed up once while drunk with her ex husband. It was wrong but I thought it was a tiny little forgiveable thing (and maybe I think that because I'm biased by my love of Jean). But once we get that soft moment of Jakob opening up to the therapist and we find out that his last relationship, with his wife, also had trust betrayed. Her having an affair and then getting sick afterwards so therefore Jakob felt he couldn't leave her when she was so ill.

And I thought Jean and Jakob trying to force a family relationship was not the best route. They had made it clear before that they are just two different people. You can coparent without being in a relationship.

But even through it all they still cared deeply for each other. So yeah.

But my only true criticm of the show is the paternity test results. Now sure we don't know what they say BUT Jean's reaction screams that Jakob isn't the father. Which just disappoints me. Jean has been through so much.

And who else would be the father? We weren't shown any other potential baby daddies.

Also she's been through so much just give her one thing.

Like I like to hope that next season she tells Jakob and even though he's not the dad, he's been there and he was making that baby a goddamn tree house that he steps up and raises that baby like it is his because that baby deserves a father.

But I can only see that Jean will probably hide the truth and they start out quite happy until the results are discovered and Jakob finds out and he is rightfully upset and angry and betrayed and he leaves her and the baby. Or real baby daddy comes to try to be there and makes more drama.

Idk

And just because it's how the show goes Maeve and Otis are gonna have something come up and it gets in the way of them being together.

I hope Michael and Adam make some peace as part of both of their developments. Of course I do see Michael having issue with Adam's lack of traditional success and his sexuality but I hope they work it out or at least try next season.

And I hope that Rahim and Adam don't become a thing. They are similar in their introversion and lack of flamboyancy with their sexuality but I hope they bond and become friends but I don't think it's be in good taste for them to date. It's like recycling your gays.

I'm not really sure what's in store for the school. I think maybe someone swoops in last second or they all go to different schools and have to move away and they all lose touch and it's a big component of next year.

And I'm not sure about Eric and what path he takes. Maybe he starts going out to gay spaces and meets someone or just messes around to have fun. But to be honest I'm not sure.

Anyways yeah.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 45 - watching notes

I'm at this stage of fandom rn where it's really hard to concentrate on anything else 😅

Every song I listen to gets dissected for how it relates to wangxian

I need to concentrate on my thesis but instead I'm pondering how the untamed raises questions about collectivism vs individualism and how my western perception of that might differ greatly from a native chinese person or even the author's intention

Can't I just write my thesis about THAT?

Alas, I digress ...

Back to our regular programming :D

Last time one Sophie watches the untamed wwx went all Sherlock on us and used his formidable skills of deduction to expose Backpfeifengesicht's plan of killing everyone and blaming it on wwx

I've heard from several people that the next few episodes are their favourites, so no high expectations at all :D

Nobody wipes the blood on their chins away. Might be about the aesthetic

I adore detective-duo-wangxian so much!! Especially because wwx does 99% of the talking but then lwj will chime in with a single word and it's 100% devastating :D

If anyone knows any well written case-fics for these two, please, I need recs! (For after the show)

Backpfeifengesicht makes good one point and that is that jgy already is at the top of the cultivation world. So what does he gain from all this?

Or is it simply that he's afraid of wwx because he's a rebel and might act against him? (Don't answer that. I wanna find out through the show ;))

Wwx just casually revealed that he's been to cloud recess and that he handles went to the restricted section forbidden chamber. What will you do about, Lan Qiren? Huh? 😂

Oooh! Backpfeifengesicht is the ghosted faced man! I thought it was Jiggy himself!!! 😱

That makes way more sense though!

Lan Sizhui! Jin Ling! Oh you brave boys! 😭

Someone hold me 😭

But why does he not take zidian now? He's done so before!

"You little fool!" Is "I love you" in Jiang-Cheng-speak :D

"We're done for! What can we do??" - wwx *strips*

Sorry

Bahahaha 😂😂😂

I just burst out laughing waaay to loudly for the fact that I've got people sleeping in the room next to mine

But look at Lan Qiren when he sees wwx strop to reveal anat is probably his nephew's undershirt 😂😂😂

He's probably questioning every decision that's let him to this point :D

This is completely inconsequential,but I couldn't keep quiet about it anymore because I every time he makes this motion, it always sends a shiver down my spine!!! Notice that wwx (or rather Xiao Zhan) is one of these people whose fingers bend in the opposite direction??? I know it's just a normal thing some people can do, but I can't watch it!! It makes my fingers hurt just looking at it 🙈🙈🙈

Is he turning himself into a demon lure flag?? 😱

Lan Jingyi 🥺🥺🥺

Also does wwx now just transfer his self-sacrificing tendencies to lwj?

Nothing is as hot as these two together in a fight scene

Jiang Cheng doesn't want to leave them behind. He does care! :') he just never unlearned how to unravel his love from his anger

Sizhui running up to greet his dads :')

Look at them! I'm soft guys 💔

He called him Yuan!! 😭😭😭

So this is it. Any doubts I ever had about Sizhui's identity are gone

Will he finally recognize him??

Why don't you say anything lwj? This one time, I beg you!!

Sect Leader Yao still at his gossip shit even 16 years later 🙄

Lam sizhyi is seasick! Why is this so cute! 😭

Oh Wen Ning!! He recognized A-Yuan? Right?

I want to hug Lan Sizhui for his openness and kindness towards everyone he meets, no matter their status or what other people say about them! (Wen Ning now or who he thought was Mo Xuanyu the supposed mad-man) and I wanna hug lan Wangji right after for raising him to be like this :')

Oh Wen Ning! 😭

That's how I'd look at Sizhui, too, if I met him - poor unadulterated wonder :')

And just think about what that means for Wen Ning! He's not the last of the Wens! All their fight wasn't for nothing. This child, their legacy, survived 😭😭😭

"Can I call you A-Yuan" "Of Course." God I'm gonna burst into tears 😭

I'm actually bursting into tears!!

Isn't this the dream of anyone who has ever lost someone? :')

"He's like a brother and father to me" :')

And he raised him from when he was 4 or 5? So ... A-Yuan was about 2 when the Wens died? Right? Then 5 would fit with lwj's 3 year isolation

Ob god, it's the butterfly-toy!!! 😭😭😭

Wen Nings smiling through his tears! I can't! 😭💔And he's got the one from the market!

Aww, wax isn't wearing the white undergarment anymore. Too bad

Oh poor Jin Ling ...

So much grieve that he could probably never process. There so many lost kids in this story, hurt by things they had no control over 😔

I mean, I get it. That's the person who killed his parents (without being in control, but he doesnt know that) and everyone is just talking to him as if it's normal and that didn't happen. But he can't forget,but he doesnt really understand either and he has no outlet. Of course he'd just ... crash 😥

And who would have thought I'd ever try at a flashback of Jin Zixuan's death :(

For once, it'd be nice if the adults actually acted like the parent figures they're supposed to be and explain things to their children 🤦‍♀️

I'm so thankful though, that no one even thinks of scolding him for crying. Jismg Cheng only asked who it was that made him cry (and looks like he'll kick their ass). Generally, thus show has a very healthy attitude towards tears. Most characters cry when they are faced with tragedy, regardless of gender. Men being allowed to have appropriate reactions to grieve (instead of a single men tear or just punching things) is really nice to see

Oh Yao dude whose courtesy name I can't remember, shut up!

Thanks Ouyang Zizhen! You get me

I live for these children standing up to their elders

Meanwhile Nie Huaisang is just on the sidelines, enjoying the show :D never change!

The Lotus Pier theme song alone is making me cry rn 😢

Why can't wen Ning come in?

Oh Sizhui!

He many times do you want to make me cry happy tears today?? :')

Little turnip-baby ❤

But why doesn't lwj say anything ??? 😭

Lan Wangji raised A-Yuan smong a bunch of rabbits??? 😭

Now he's a turnip baby with a taste for carrots, how cute is that? :')

Holy shit, wwx and lwj are really joined at the hip these days of lwj won't enter the hall if wwx isn't allowed to :D

Lwj 😑 "no misbehaviour"

Someone. Knows. Their. Husband.

Okay sorry, but as painful as these cuts must have been and yes, while you do see scars on this prostitute's face, they in no way warrant these horrified gasps as of they had all seen a monster 🙄

Xue yang. Fancy seeing you here in this not at all disturbing sub-plot 😬

Okay that's creepy. That's really creepy

Shouldn't Jin Guangyao have a bit more compassion for these women?

On the other hand, he was born to menacingly stand behind a curtain 🤷‍♀️

W. T. F. ????

Jin Guangshan??? o___O

That's the most skin we've ever seen on this show and it's in a scene like THIS? 😬

THIS IS HOW JIN GUANGSHAN DIED? 😱😱😱

How?

How can you die from sex?

And then jgy made them keep going?

UGH

These poor women :/

So there's someone who set her free on purpose, right?

Bicao has really interesting eyes!

Oh wait, took me some time to catch up. This is about Quin Su and why she killed herself, right?

WHAT??

They were siblings o_O

They just went full game of thrones on this ...

Hey Jin Guangshan, screw you for raping that woman

Wait, is that why jgy had him die like THAT?

I'm so confused about how that happened btw

But why would Jin Guangyao merry quin su anyway? Was this some kind of political marriage that he couldn't call off?

This episode answered some of my questions but raised about a dozen more 😅

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose

5 episodes to go. I'm both happy because I can't wait to brows the untamed tag without looking for spoilers and extremely sad 🥺

Right now I'm planning to watch one episode each day until friday and then watch the last two on Saturday, hopefully quite early, so I can spend the rest of the day crying my eyes out over it, without having to worry about such trivial things as being a functioning adult or a responsible student 😅

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I wanted us to be a family.

I'm a sugar plum princess when I turn into this little girl who needs attention, who needs love and lots of cuddles, large hugs, cute big, soft, warm hugs, hugs so big that I could travel the world in them and never have to leave my door shut to keep my real mommy and daddy from looking out my window. I want them to only look at me. Me, and me only. Nobody else. I want kisses from you, and immediate affection when I see you. I want you to pick me up and lift me on your shoulders, so I can see the world from up here. I miss the way my mom and dad used to be with me. We used to have so much fun together. Go see the movies, go to theme park rides, the carnival, go to the museums, Disney World, Disney Channel, Noggin and sometimes PBS with momma, Cartoon Network and Scooby Doo, Dexter's Laboratory, Powerpuff Girls, and animated movies with Dad. My whole childhood changed once we moved out of that house and I had to get older, I had to change. But I didn't want to. I wanted everything to be the same like always. I waited us to always have fun, smiling, laughing and to be on vacation because that's when everybody was the most excited about me before my sisters come. Because I already wanted some sisters, I just wanted them to behave and be nice just like me. But they're so different from me. And....feeling like a burden to your family because you can't meet their expectations of you like you always have, really does make me feel dumb, stupid, useless or just like trash. A toy even. Because I've run out of batteries. I always felt better watching VeggieTales or watching movies and shows like Barney, Sesame Street, Charlie Brown was for holidays. But I liked the newer songs and shows too that my sisters and I watched together.

I kinda became that version of younger Dad that I had for them, because I liked how cool and fun and edgy he would try to be to get manma to feel better. I don't think I noticed it, but maybe I did used to get jealous of the attention he used to give her when I wanted just me and daddy time. Because he was the most fun to hang out with out of the 2. Mom was too aggressive and controlling when we used to play games and she hated losing. Sounds like the older version of me....when did I become so aggressively hyper? Ready to kick ass.....I know school.....those bullies 🤨 that's why I only trust certain people...especially people like me who can understand where I come from and the reason why I act a certain way about certain things. Its because of rules and chores and homework....I hate learning new things if I don't see it necessary for me to learn them, I hate following rules if I don't see the point of them or if its unfair to the rest of the people that it limits or hinders, but makes the other give more power to the people that already have the upper hand. I like fair and equal. It keeps it simple, so I don't have to compare myself to a chump who doesn't deserve it. And I hate cheaters. Cheaters I teach a lesson to. I'm quick like that, once I learn what you did and how you did it. I'll unlearn it and even do a better job than you at it just to prove to you that I'm better and smarter at it than you. And if you do it to me again, I'll bring the heat to you 10X as harder so you'll get it. It's petty but reasonable, unless you're too stubborn to learn that you can't fool me or cheat me out of a deal. If it ain't 50/50, I'll make it for ya Picasso. You don't get to trick me and tell me what to do. I do, cause honestly that's not being a fair player. I probably seriously have a petty, aggressive child like side that needs some healing from my childhood abuse by someone else (not mom and dad) cause I never told her until I was in high school. And it happened when I was 5, while watching a Barbie Princess Movie. And now I'm obsessed with sparkly glittery and pink shit everywhere with a bunch of cuddle buddies who feel so soft and big like my Teddy Bear, that I used to sleep with...

I need help. But buy me candy 1st. I love gummies, applesauce, and yogurt squeezies please. Everything and everyone of my friends must stay with me. My mom and dad, please don't ruin my fun. I think thats why I miss that couple so much. They took care of me at times and brought me food. I miss pizza. And Pizza, she was my only friend. ..... doesn't want us to say their name or she freaks out about it. She doesn't like talking about them anymore 😔 I don't like seeing her sad like that all day. I'm hoping she does a good at keeping us safe next time. I'm worried. Especially on okc. I told her to tell everyone about what happened and why she's hurt. It affects how she looks, but we need a real man who won't excuse for needing love and affection and being so emotional around other people she cares to trust herself with. Its pain to see her hurt or rejected even when she tried or tries so hard to be liked and accepted by men, women....I don't think she wants to date another trans man, only because it will remind her of her ex. The one she's having a hard time getting over. I hate talking about it too. What should I call you?

How about Calina, like ballerina. I've always wanted to be one on stage. I miss ballerina class. I miss my tutu, the frille, and my pink leotard, and my silky pink slippers. I loved the heart it had on my front chest. Reminded me of the power puff girls. But I think Ky thinks she's too old and too big to dance as pretty like the other skinnier girls who did it. I wish I could jump higher and be as quiet, as poised, and as gracious with my body.

We just gotta lose weight and I'll feel more comfortable with people watching me like that.

I don't like people watching me when its not finished yet, cause I want you to see me as perfect, an A+. Like my teacher. I wanna be as smart as my teacher.

I wanna know everything there is that I need to know so I can be prepared with what to do next so I don't miss a step or make a mistake.

I hate disappointing you too. If you're listening. But you don't like me when I'm a little. And I hate you when you don't like me. Its easier to get over you when you hate me, because then I can just hate you for hating me or not liking me anymore. I'm sure you don't, good job at trying to be socially acceptable. I'm sure she'll appreciate you finally committing to just her and being monogamous.

[sleepingfancies]

We Need to Talk About SJM

I was recently anonymously asked what exactly my issue with Sarah Jane Maas is, and ended up writing what was essentially a thesis paper about it. Unfortunately, Tumblr pulled a Shitty Website move and deleted everything I wrote under the ‘read more’ tab, so I’m compiling my reasons here on a masterpost, for your reading leisure.

EDIT: Read more tab continues to not work for me, so I apologize to all of you who have to suffer through this. I’ll tag is as a long post accordingly.

Let’s get started

                                                        ***********

Reason 1: She preaches messages that no young girl needs to (or should) hear.

Granted, I know the a lot of the YA genre are adults who are no strangers to smut and aren’t phased by toxic behavior in characters. But on the same token, a lot of the YA genre is fueled by young girls age 12-20. Now I’m not going to sit here and pretend like girls in that age range aren’t reading/writing smutty fanfiction or dating. I know they do, I did, most of my friends did. But at that age, young girls are still trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be, including in terms of relationships. That’s where my problem with Maas comes in.

Maas writes, almost exclusively, toxic relationships - at best. Straight up abusive at worst. At one point in ACOTAR, I had to put the book down because I was so disgusted by what happened. Rhysand assaulted Feyre. I’m not kidding. He kissed and groped her against her will, telepathically asked whether she was wet about it, and wondered aloud what she looked like naked. The entire goal of doing this was to piss Feyre’s then-boyfriend off, and for Rhysand to assert his dominance as a Fae lord or whatever the fuck (y’know, like rapists do). Feyre was left shaking, nauseated, and scared for her life. But the worst part? It was written like this was something sexy and desirable. Literal penetration was all that stopped this from being a horrifying rape scene, and I couldn’t believe Maas wrote about it like some hot erotica. It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t cute. It was disgusting, violating, and I was furious when I read it (especially given Feyre actually ends up with Rhysand eventually. What the fuck).

In Throne of Glass - and subsequent sequels - there are couples (namely Rowan and Aelin) who quite literally spit on each other, punch each other, and bite each other. No, not “love nip” bite, I mean “I’m trying to tear your skin off” bite. But we’re meant to believe they’re endgame, meant to be, and a totally healthy relationship. Let’s not even get into emotional abuse and manipulation, because holy fuck does every single character in these books act like a goddamn villain if we were to go over that in detail. All you need to know is that “if you don’t do xyz then I’ll leave and never come back” “what made you think I cared about you? You’re nothing to me. Just kidding, I love you” and similar sentiments are rampant in these series.

While we’re here, what is up with this “mates” nonsense? Every character pairing we see by the end of the ToG series has a “mate,” and swears off everyone they’ve had before, claiming them to be “false mates.” This whole “mates” business sounds a lot like somebody desperately trying to reassure their insanely jealous partner that they don’t still have feelings for their ex. That’s not healthy! That’s not okay! Your exes helped you narrow down your search. They helped you understand yourself more and what you want (or don’t want). And y’know what? It’s okay to have happy memories with an ex. It’s okay to not hate your ex. Telling young girls that all that matters is their future husband (which erases LGBT+ girls, as well as straight women who don’t want to get married) is harmful as hell, and contributes to the idea that a girl is only “complete” when she finds her “soulmate.”

Girls 12-20 really do not need to be given the message that it’s normal - nay, romantic - for their partners to hit them, humiliate them, or assault them. You may be saying, “Clara, come on, girls know fiction isn’t reality and no girl is actually going to stand for that kind of thing in real life.” But I can’t tell you how horribly my own view of relationships was corrupted for several years after all the books I read as a tween where the protagonist had to defend her flirty boyfriend from the advances of other girls. I didn’t trust boys not to cheat on me. I didn’t trust my girl friends not to try and steal a boyfriend. I thought girls who dressed up and wore makeup and dated a lot were sluts. It took me years of conscious effort to unlearn those ideas. Fiction can and does influence the reader. So again I say: teaching girls that it’s “hot and sexy” when men literally abuse you is not a message a 12-20 year old should be hearing. Ever.

                                                     ***************

Reason 2: What exactly does Maas want her readers to be?

Y’know, Maas thinks Caelena/Aelin is a role model for young girls. But here’s a brief list of things Celery/Alien has done throughout the Throne of Glass series:

1. Tried to smash a flower pot over a girl’s head for showing interest in courting Prince Dorian. Despite said girl literally being present at the castle for that purpose and Caelena was not.

2. Very nearly murdered Dorian for absolutely fuckall reason, and then she got mad at Chaol for trying to stop her (keep in mind: Chaol and Dorian are supposed to be best friends. So like... yeah, he’s gonna come to Dorian’s defense).

3. Straight up said, “if I get bored being queen I’ll just go and conquer more lands for my kingdom.” Imperialist there much, Aelin?

This is Maas’ role model material? Half the shit she does from Heir of Fire onward could be described as “war crime” and the other half could be described as “selfish.” Maas seems to think that a shit ton of half-baked “witty” lines and a few “badass” fight scenes completely makes up for having an amoral character as the protagonist you want to flaunt around as an icon for young girls.

It would be one thing if Maas said, “I don’t want anyone to be like Celery/Alien. She’s not a good person and I want my readers to be able to identify how and why she isn’t a good person. The moral is what not to be like.” But she does the opposite and claims time and time again that Celery/Alien is some kind of feminist warrior, when in fact Celery/Alien is the very epitome of white feminism and false feminism. She’ll be all kinds of gung-ho for herself, but as soon as another woman mentions her own unique problems or lifestyles, Celery/Alien thinks she’s a “whiny bitch,” “dumb slut,” or something similar. Celery/Alien ends up looking down her nose at basically every other female character. The lack of female friendships in Maas’ books is frankly astounding.

No girl needs to be Celery/Alien. Celery/Alien is not a role model, she is not a feminist, she is not a figurehead of a well developed female character or even a compelling antihero. She’s sexist, she’s misogynistic, she has serious anger issues, she’s manipulative, she’s abusive. This is not who young girls should be looking up to.

                                                       ************

Reason 3: Maas has no place in the YA genre.

I’m not really sure I need to elaborate much on this. Let me give you a scenario:

Imagine you’re at a book signing for your fans. They’re mostly girls 15-20, so you kind of just sign their copies without thinking much about it. But then a smaller girl comes up to the table, you ask her age, and she says “I’m ten.” A 10 year old girl is standing in front of you, clutching her copy of your book where you wrote and published the scene, “he buried in to the hilt and roared. Over and over he spilled inside of her, the lightning outside flashing soft and lovely long after he stilled.”

Look me in the eye and tell me that shit is appropriate in the YA genre. At all. Ever.

You wanna write romance? Go for it. It can be cute! It can be healthy! It can be intriguing! But this? This? This is just... erotica. If you’re publishing stuff like this in the YA genre, in a book that isn’t even on the ‘tween/teen romance’ shelves, then you better be ready to take full responsibility for teaching 10 year olds what a blowjob is, what an orgasm is, what BDSM is, what a fucking foot fetish is.

I know JK Rowling isn’t the most popular right now, but even she did better than this. The first 3 Harry Potter books you can generally find on the children’s/middle grade shelves. They were cute, fun little adventures about wizards and magic and fantastic creatures. Books 4-7? Those are on the YA shelves. People are dying, magic is dangerous, fascist organizations are on the rise -- it isn’t fun for Harry anymore. It isn’t about the wonders of magic. It’s about life or death, war, and fear. So yeah, of course those book aren’t going to be on the children’s/middle grade shelves! They’re dark! They’re scary! That kind of material shouldn’t be advertised as appropriate for younger kids!

Maas never extended that courtesy. Maas took her books full of badly written erotica and plopped them down right where all the rest of the completely tame YA books went, because she wanted the sales. She didn’t care if she was exposing kids who were too young to explicit sex scenes. She never posted a disclaimer, she never posted any kind of warning on social media when the books came out. Nope. She just silently took advantage of the market knowing she’d get more sales in YA. But it has no place in YA. It’s not YA. And I don’t think I’m ever gonna be okay with that.

                                                          ***********

Reason 4: Diversity? Never heard of it!

Maas’ books are so incredibly white and straight that it’s painful. Rowan and Aelin? White and straight. Feyre? Rhysand? Chaol? Dorian? Manon? Hey, you guessed it! They’re all white and straight (despite Chaol, Dorian, and Manon being heavily LGBT+ coded for like, the entire series till the last book)!

“He looked at his friend, perhaps for the last time, and said what he had always known, from the moment they met, ‘I love you.’” (Queen of Shadows)

Hello? Sarah Jane? I’m all for male friendships, but there’s male friendships and then there’s actual romance. Chaol and Dorian are about as gay-coded as they could fucking get. And this isn’t even the only time this happens! Check this out:

“Dorian surged from his chair and dropped to his knees beside the bed. He grabbed Chaol’s hand, squeezing it as he pressed his brow against his. ‘You were dead,’ the prince said, his voice breaking. ‘I thought you were dead.’” (Queen of Shadows)

But wait, there’s more!

“‘I’m not leaving you. Not again.’

Dorian’s mouth tightened. ‘You didn’t leave, Chaol.’ He shook his head once, sending tears slipping down his cheeks. ‘You never left me.’” (Queen of Shadows)

I mean come on, Sarah!

Also, Manon. My girl Manon hated men, pretty explicitly, for the entire series. In case you don’t believe me:

“There were few sounds Manon enjoyed more than the groans of dying men.” (Heir of Fire)

Oh, and other characters even imply Manon has never had a heterosexual relationship in her fucking life. See:

“‘That golden-haired witch, Asterin...’ Aelin said. ‘She screamed Manon’s name the way I screamed yours. How can I take away somebody who means the world to someone else? Even if she is my enemy.’” (Queen of Shadows)

Tell me that’s not gay as fuck. I dare you.

Manon had a whole lot of love to give women! She was always affectionate towards other women. Particularly Elide. This is a woman who was about as lesbian as you could get. Had no interest in men, every interest in women, rejected typically expected roles for women (getting married and having kids, etc.) but guess what happened? Guess what fucking happened?

This warrior who was friends with and rode on a big fuckoff wyvern completely and totally submits to Dorian as her lover. I don’t mean that metaphorically. They literally do some BDSM shit where he’s her “master” and she “kneels to him” or whatever the fucking fuck. This entire thing pissed me off more than Chaol and Dorian being all “no homo bro,” because Maas used every possible symbol and subtext for Manon being gay, and then said “just kidding!” Her relationship with Dorian came out of nowhere. All of a sudden she was just as thirsty for mediocre dick as Aelin.

At this point I honestly have to wonder if Maas is really this ignorant or if she’s - dare I say it? - taunting her readers who have complained about the lack of LGBT+ representation. Maas has, historically, not reacted well to people criticizing her work. I would not put it beyond her at all to intentionally queer-code characters only to turn around and rip the rug out from under her readers by pairing them up in heterosexual relationships. And not only is that shitty writing, but it’s... really malicious and rude.

Of course then there’s the issues with racial representation. Again, Maas doesn’t even try. She includes 13 characters of color only to immediately kill off all of them in a suicide pact. So there’s that. Not sure I need to say more than that.

Maas knows what diversity is, but as per her famous quote, “I just don’t want to force diversity into my books.” So. Y’know. Writing a black or gay character (or!! God forbid, both black and gay!!) is asking a little too much of her, apparently. She doesn’t want to force anything as unbelievable as someone who isn’t white or straight, don’tcha know? In these books about fae people and dragons and gods fighting mortals and explicit erotica, an LGBT+ character or a character of color is high fantasy, not YA. *Sarcasm*

                                                        ************

Reason 5: The woman can’t write.

This is pretty straightforward. She cannot write. My proof? She plagiarizes the living fuck out of everything she can to avoid actually writing her own original work.

1. “You’re gonna rattle the stars.” - from Disney’s Treasure Planet

2. “The Queen Who Was Promised” - from GRRM’s ASOIAF, where Dany Targaryen is often toted as the exact same thing. Oh, and The Prince Who Was Promised prophecy in ASOIAF also mentions Azor Ahai being “the Heir of Fire” so, uh.... yeah.

3. Aelin basically being Aragorn. Lost royalty spends years as an outcast, denies their claim, teams up with elves (fae in Aelin’s case) to defeat a greater evil, becomes known as the people’s champion, falls in love with an elf (fae) and makes them their consort, crowned by the people, ends their coronation scene with a “you bow to no one” (I’m not kidding).

4. Nehemia dying for Aelin and it later being revealed that Nehemia was “grooming” Aelin to face great evil, and potentially give her life to stop it. How much you wanna bet Maas tried to give Aelin a name as close to “Harry Potter” as she could get?

5. Manon lighting a series of beacons across a mountain range to call for aid during war. I mean seriously? This is one of the most iconic scenes in Peter Jackson’s rendition of Lord of the Rings. It’s moving, it’s powerful, it’s awe-inspiring. And Maas knew it. So she just... took it. I don’t have a lot of respect for writers who can’t write their own moving scenes.

6. Kingsflame blossoms, which only bloom when the rightful monarch is on the throne. So... the White Tree of Gondor. Got it.

7. The Hand of the King being a royal court position. Like... jesus. GRRM, come get ya world-building, SJ stole it again.

8. A paralyzed Chaol has a specialized saddle made for him, because he wants more than anything to ride a horse again. GRRM! Please! She’s taking Bran Stark’s story now!

And besides all of these horribly plagiarized points, there’s nothing even slightly compelling about these books. There’s literally zero substance, and the last few books in both the ACOTAR and ToG series have been nothing but a smut-fest. Plot who? We don’t know her.

Trauma, both physical and mental, is erased at the drop of a dime (Aelin lost physical scars, Chaol’s paralysis was basically cured, series of events that should’ve left characters absolutely fucked just... didn’t phase them). The battles are rushed and sloppily written, and Maas has a particularly nasty habit of focusing on exactly the wrong people in the middle of what should be an action packed scene. Instead of showing alliances forging and plots being made behind people’s backs, instead of showing us people gearing up for battle by saying tearful goodbyes to their infants and spouses, Maas shows us Rowan and Aelin banging on a beach, or a tree, or a ship, or wherever the fuck they happen to be at that moment.

None of these characters lose jack shit. There is no sense of urgency or stakes, because we knew since Heir of Fire that Aelin and her precious uwu fae “mate” would be just fine. Why? Because nobody shipped Rowaelin as hard as Sarah Jane Maas did. Consistently the only people who suffer in these books are background characters (who, coincidentally, are almost always the characters of color and LGBT+ characters). By the end of Kingdom of Ash, literally everyone is fine. And paired off to be married, too! Because a happy ending isn’t a true happy ending if it doesn’t end with Babies Ever After and everyone in a heterosexual relationship, of course, right?

                                                        ***********

Reason 6: World-building doesn’t even go here! Sorry, she just wanted to be a part of something.

Maas’ world-building is... how do you say... shitty. New lore pops up in every book, having never been mentioned before, and is for some reason of utmost importance (but only for this book. It’ll be forgotten again as soon as it isn’t relevant). Religions who? Culture where? History what? None of these things exist in Maas’ world. None.

Now before anyone jumps down my throat with “but The World of Throne of Glass is coming out this year!!!1!1!!” let me gently establish something. Speaking as a fantasy author: if you do not have your most basic world-building - that being religion, culture, language, and history - already established, then you have no business making a “world of” book to cover all the bases your ass never bothered with in the original series.

I said what I said.

Tolkien and GRRM are masters of world-building because they spent decades working to forge their worlds before they ever put a pen to paper and wrote their stories. Not to toot my own horn, but my own fantasy series has been developing for almost 7 years now. What am I doing with it? I’m outlining governments in different societies, why people came to worship what they do, and I’m making a fucking world map on my bedroom floor (that now has cat paw prints on it, so it’s not exactly final product material anyway).

I give not a single hoot for Maas’ “The World of Throne of Glass.” She could be saying anything she wanted to and it would all just have to be canon, because she’s establishing what this world is after already finishing her series. Yes, it does piss me off, because it’s pretty obvious she didn’t have a clue what her world was, or who was who, or why things were the way they were. She made shit up as she went along, nothing more. There was no grand scheme. There was no planning, and it shows.

                                                       ***********

TL;DR: I have a lot of issues with Sarah J Maas’ writing, including her world-building and handling of diversity. But most of all I despise the potential impact she has on the YA genre and on the young girls reading her work. They deserve better than this. They deserve better than Sarah Jane Maas.

[tabikuntz]

You hate to read ? Shit, I hate everything about reading. It was always like so you were all umm bare ass red when they asked you stand up and say the words they tried to put in you. You felt like such an airhead all those eyes on you with the words wiggling in you going all backwards before your eyes. All those pesky little letters so boring and difficult you just gave up. Ain’t that right ? You didn’t really read any of them books you thought you read. They just put that in your head as a joke. Did you even look at the books at all ? Can you even read or remember learning to ? Or weren’t you told that reading wasn’t for girls and you just played with dolls instead ? That’s right. You’ve been there. Felt that blush, that burn, that sting like getting your bottom walloped. Like Daddy switched you with fire just by looking. It ain’t pretty. Ain’t cute. Ain’t ladylike. We’ve all been there. Seen that look that says you’re just making it up, and you know they know you don’t know. Whenever you start babbling about what you learned in school ? They all know you’re faking it-- even if you don’t. Because you’re a girl, and you don’t know anything but boys and beauty and being brainless. Girls like us didn’t learn, don’t learn, can’t learn. But we get by. I gots like, other skills instead. And I’m proud to use them, like I have all my life. I can admit it now. Accept it, like, even. School was hard; too hard for me. I didn’t belong, and I didn’t really pass my classes none. I passed... but I didn’t really pass. You all know how I got by. Sure you do. You can say it. Tell me what I did, how I was, how I am. What I should do to please you and get a grade that gets me by. Shit, yeah. You can totally tell how I passed. Like girls like me do. Ain’t no other way. Cause I never could get it. And I can see in your sugar eyes you are just the same as I always was, tricking yourself with that dumb girl head trick like you could but you just chose to didn’t. But truth is I can’t, you can’t, we never could be able to. Cause we’re born bimbo dummies. Feel me ? Sure you feel it. I feel it too. I know, babe ! It’s def a change to feel that you’ve never been smart. It’s so shook when you see you’ve just been faking it. All your life ! Very much. When you like accept that you just aren’t born to that stuff, and maybe no girl for realz is. Cause (Daddy always said) brains are for boys, and you’re so not a boy. No way ! It’s humble hot soft wet good when you look back and really feel everyone’s been laughing at you or humoring you or trying to use you. Like so much y’know ? I just felt so much how they all wanted to fuck me. Wanted me to just shut up and get fucked right. And me ? Desparately needing for your approval so that you can Man nipple lately rule me into doing anything you want. Some Man, any Man, ruling me out of order. And I can’t do nothing about it. Cause I’m just a born dumb female girl in a big bad hard strong real Man world. Ain’t that right ? Like I could never pass by myself. All these silly things in my pretty little head making me all so corny fizzy cunt fuzzy confused every time I sat in a class and tried to look at the big hard stuff (on the board, but ending up staring at some big hard) Man in front of me. Eyes open wide and so empty inside. Just wanting to flunk out drop out give up. I’m so lucky they figured out what was wrong with me. They made a decision for me to help me get past it. They put us all together, all the dumb girls, in a special class. Me and other girls like me can just like do school together. Unlearn what we only thought we had thought. Help each other get over pretending we were something else. Talk about our dumb girl feelings of trying and failing and being lost and loving our place having found our place at the foot so we can just be dumb like we really are. Like you are too; I can tell. You can join too if you want. There are a few spots open. First come, first serving. All you need to do to be one of the girls ? Reblog and say yes.

[thedrowsydoormouse]

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

Binge way more TV and movies.

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

I have way too many to pick just one.

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

Collecting vintage designer clothes and shoes.

4. What would your perfect room look like?

https://pin.it/m36vxad3rpp2bj    Like this pinterest board.

5. Do you play sports?

*laughs* God no!

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

The TARDIS. All of time and space at my fingertips. How could I pass that up?

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

Fascist Totalitarian Dictator.

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

Wardrobe styling. I’d get gold every time!

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

Existing. 

Jk. Talking over you or acting like what they have to say is more important than what you have to say.

10. What skill would you like to master?

Candle making. I’d save so much money and my house would always smell like fall!

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

Remember when I mentioned the TARDIS? Anything involving that!

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

Cherry coke. Or rum and coke if I’m drinking.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

Nevada. I went to Las Vegas with my family every summer as a kid and I’m so over it.

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I’m a musical theatre nerd with an echoic memory. That list is impossibly long.

15. Are you usually early or late?

Early. I hate being late with every fiber of my being.

16. What takes up too much of your time?

Dealing with stupid shit.

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

When I want to know something I just research it until I know all I want/need to know.

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

Puppy kissies and good food.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

I have no idea if this exists or not but a channel that plays old cheesy B horror movies and crappy 80s slasher flicks.

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

Pretty much every Gen Z-er who’s spoken out against all the bullshit going on.

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

I’m pretty happy with my current age so like 24 25-ish.

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

Seinfeld. It just seems so boring.

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

Snuggling on the couch with my partner and my dog under a giant fuzzy blanket with tons of soft pillows drinking hot cider and watching movies and TV until we fall asleep.

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I have to get my hair done at a salon every week because when I try to wash my own hair I black out.

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

I’m too old to eat off the kids menu and too young to date someone in their 80s.

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I actually have no idea.

27. How often do you people watch?

Very rarely. I need to constantly be doing something or else I get fidgety.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

October 21st for reasons I don’t feel like divulging just yet.

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

That’s a little too hipster of a question.

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

I’m pretty much always relaxing.

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

The Kingdom Keepers series. It ruined Small World for me but I’m kind of glad it did!

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

New York City.

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

Any video where a pet is reunited with their human after a long period of time.

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

Do you play volleyball/basketball. With “are you a model” being a close 2nd. I get it. I’m tall and thin. I don’t need people constantly reminding me.

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

Depends on the topic and the audience. I’m very proficient at bullshit.

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

Go to a Disney park.

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

Hand gliding. It would probably feel like flying.

38. Dream car?

A motorcycle.

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

Stranger Things. I’ve watched the whole thing just to see what the hype is about but I still just don’t get it.

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

I don’t even know if any of us will be alive in 10 years.

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

Embroidery. 

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

The cute guy that works at Hot Topic checked me out and flirted a little!

43. How different was your life one year ago?

Very. I was a mess, physically and mentally and was about to hit rock bottom. 

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

My partner. For him I might even bump it up to 11!

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

Impressionist and post impressionist.

46. What do you hope never changes?

My lack of giving a fuck.

47. What movie title best describes your life?

No fucking clue.

48. What website do you visit most often?

This hellhole. 

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

Halloween. Always Halloween.

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

What Donald Trump’s dick looks like.

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

Disneyland.

52. What age would you like to live to?

Would it be bad if I say I wish I was immortal?

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

Pissing off someone in a position of power.

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

Bar fight.

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

Alexander McQueen scarf. Or one of their brass knuckle clutches.

@anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[blackandwhitemusician]

Atsushi for character meme please! I love your character analysis!

Thank you so much for the ask! Let’s talk about our lovely kitten Atsushi ~

What is your opinion of this character? If you like, explain why you like him/her.

I adore him! I used to think he was a typical shounen protagonist at the start, but my opinion of him changed the more I learned about him. It’s not just because of his tragic backstory, either. I love how flawed he is, and how desperately he wanted to be of use to someone. As the story progresses, his attitude also went from “I need someone to tell me I deserve to live” to “Everyone deserves to live, including you, and I will prove it with my story”. I’m sold, man. Baby grew up so fast.

Is he/she important to the general plot?

YES LOL HE IS THE PROTAGONIST.

But really. Atsushi serves as a very good narrator. He understands little, but strives to learn a lot. As the story accelerates, we also witness Atsushi’s increasingly rapid growth. I also think he serves as an observing point for Dazai, for the reader to look at Dazai through the eyes of someone who is new to the world, and for Dazai to look at the world through a new pair of eyes. Atsushi’s appearance and the official activation of his ability also set into motion various conflicts and interested parties, most notably the three-way conflict and the search for The Book.

Can you relate to this character at all? Does he/she grip you emotionally?

I do relate to him to a certain extent. I used to struggle a lot to find my worth. Ya know, like I feel that I’m no good, and maybe I don’t deserve to be in another person’s life. It’s easy to be too occupied with your own pain and feel like you’re the only one suffering, but Atsushi has matured enough to realize that he is not alone, and he can still have a meaningful life by forgiving himself and forming positive connections with other people.

Atsushi’s struggle to overcome himself has been an emotional journey: I admit I was caught off guard by the headmaster’s sudden death. But that was also a perfect turning point for Atsushi’s character refinement. All his life, he had someone to hate and blame for his lack of self-worth, but now he had to pick up the pieces himself. He had to decide to live fully and not just for the sake of revenge on those who had hurt him. That was for me a rare moment in manga where the main character suffers a downward trajectory in their character development after considerable growth, an all-time low that almost renders all their previous progress meaningless. Seeing Atsushi being confused as to whether he should laugh or cry was emotional for me, too. We can see how lost the poor child is, and how he struggled to redefine his motivation for living and fighting.

Do you ship this character with any other character? Or, are you particularly intrigued by his/her relationship with any other character(s)? (romance-wise or platonic)

I adore his interactions with Dazai, Akutagawa, Kunikida and Kyouka. Atsushi went from feeling inferior to Akutagawa’s display of power to wanting to change his reckless ways, and I’m so proud of him for that. He also internalized what he learned from Dazai by teaching Kyouka to unlearn darkness and embrace the light instead. The way he acts as an intermediary between the strict Kunikida and the irresponsible Dazai is hilarious. Kunikida also seems to always soften around Atsushi. And of course, Atsushi’s interactions with Dazai is the basis for the start of our story. I love how Atsushi respects and admires Dazai, and how Dazai pushes Atsushi to break out of his shell. Atsushi shows his most vulnerable side around Dazai, which allows Dazai to get through to him and properly give him advice. In return, Atsushi slowly learns how Dazai’s jokes are a front to hide his inner thoughts and feelings, and even takes baby steps to try to understand him better. They just have a lot of good influence on each other, and they never fail to make me smile.

Is there anything about the character you would change?

Hmm not anything in particular. I did have tiny issues here and there with how Atsushi keeps reverting to his self-pitying ways even in the current arc, but it’s just personal preferences.

If you were in the fandom with this character or knew this character in real life, how would you see yourself interacting with him/her?

I WOULD PET HIM. OH BOY I WOULD PET THE HELL OUTTA HIM.

Does this character make the cut as one of your all time favorites (if you like) or least favorites?

He would make it in my top 10!

Would you hype up this character (if you like) or warn about this character (if you dislike) to someone new to fandom?

I don’t think he needs any hyping up, really. His development in the manga is truly remarkable.

Is this character popular with the fanbase?

Yes! Everyone wants a cute soft kitten in their lives ~

[kiruuuuu]

Me too, @ruaniamh. Me too :) Thank you so much for this request because I’ll gladly make Doc suffer some more! 💖 (Rating M, no mutual suffering cos Jäger is actually having a great time in this one, non-explicit sex, ~2.5k words)

.

“You look tired”, Blitz remarks right as Doc finishes his examination and earns himself a withering glare.

“Seems like your arm has healed. Maybe now you’ll think twice about engaging in any sport with the small word ‘ultimate’ in its title, even if it’s followed by ‘frisbee’. And yes, I am indeed tired”, Doc replies icily, “and you and your teammates are a large part as to why. Did you know I received a call last night about what I thought to be a medical emergency which turned out to be the impromptu funeral of a rabbit which wasn’t even dead? It must’ve taken a few sips from Bandit’s rum bottle because it showed very similar symptoms in that both of them were largely lethargic with spontaneous bouts of activity, if you can call running into a tree head first a hobby. With how often Bandit does it, I’d say it counts.”

“That’s exactly the reason why I’m mentioning it”, Blitz continues, incomprehensibly excited, “because we actually have a present for you. We pitched in together since you’ve done so much for us, went above and beyond, and we wanted to show you just how much we appreciate all that you’re doing.”

Oh. This is – unexpected. For a few blissful seconds in which the existence of a universe with frightfully idiotic special operators seems nothing but a fever dream, Doc is actually flattered and moved by the gesture. Then suspicion takes over. “…what is it?”

“You’ve been stressed recently and so we thought a vacation is just the thing you need.”

They’re not wrong, though admittedly, Doc could always use a vacation, he just normally doesn’t allow himself to take a rest, abandon his work and the people who count on him. Because as much as he likes to complain, he does genuinely believe they’re good, hard-working people who are able to change the world for the better and he’s proud to serve by their side, honoured for the opportunity to befriend this many compassionate, attentive -

“So we bought you a stay in an all-inclusive hotel in Spain. For an entire week!”

Doc just looks at the beaming German in front of him. He would’ve taken anything, anything, even the bitter cold of the arctic over having literally nothing to do. He likes to go hiking, explore cities and landscapes, and what he doesn’t enjoy is laying in the sun all day wasting away. “That’s uh -”, he starts and is interrupted by a cheery: “You’re welcome! And don’t bring too many books, I’m sure you’ll find enough to do once you’re there.”

And the last wink really should’ve made him realise what was going on.

.

“You”, Doc says loudly, loud enough to be audible over the busy chatter in the luxurious lobby, carpet thick, windows tall and spotless, pillars actual marble, and points at the person whom he’s addressing, “you. I – this… you are fucking kidding me. This isn’t happening. I’m out. I’m going fucking home. Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck were they thinking?”

People have begun to stare and Jäger walks over, suitcase in tow, so Doc doesn’t have to yell anymore. “I’m pretty sure I can guess”, he replies and sounds entirely too upbeat about this whole disaster of a situation, “you know, Elias has been going on about you and me not showing enough affection to each other.”

So Blitz thought he’d play marriage counsellor. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. Not only is everyone on the base still convinced the two of them are a couple, now they’re also meddling in their alleged affairs. Even though it’s only noon and Doc got enough sleep last night, he’s beginning to feel exhaustion weighing down his bones. “Did they really -” Book an expensive hotel for a week so Doc and Jäger could have some quality time together? The thought is too horrifying to actually say out loud.

Jäger shrugs and nods. “Seems that way, hm? I was confused why the lady behind the counter told me my ‘partner’ had arrived already.”

“I need something to drink.”

“Knock yourself out. It’s all inclusive.”

.

Doc does indeed knock himself out. He spends the first evening in the hotel bar, bemoaning his fate to everyone who doesn’t manage to get away fast enough and the first night hugging the really quite beautiful toilet while Jäger just giggles at him. He doesn’t seem any less intoxicated than Doc himself but apparently is more adept at holding his liquor – at least for a while. They somehow manage to take shifts in sleeping in their double bed (because of course they’re going to have to share a bed) and vomiting and they end up looking like zombies during breakfast. Blitz sends a text to Jäger about whether they’re enjoying their surprise and Doc only barely restrains himself from answering with a barrage of insults.

There really isn’t anything to do, so when Jäger goes to sleep off the food coma from the excellent breakfast buffet, Doc visits the beach and seeks shelter under a parasol where he tries to read one of the many books he brought until his eyes are falling closed as well. The sweltering heat together with the bright sun are headache inducing even through the painkillers he took pre-emptively this morning, and so he resorts to the one thing which never fails to help: dozing. It’s been a while since he was free from all obligations and duties and so he’s unlearned what to do when he’s not constantly anticipating the next emergency.

He’s awoken by a gentle touch to his hand and blinks groggily into the bright red fabric of the parasol which has miraculously moved to ensure he’s still in its shadow. Going by the fact that Jäger is now perched on another lounger next to him, it’s safe to assume he has to thank the German for saving him from the fate of ending up as red as a boiled lobster.

“Can you get my back? I want to go swimming in a bit.” Jäger holds out a bottle of sunscreen and switches over to Doc’s beach chair when he accepts it with a sigh. “Have you seen the dudes around here? It’s like a gay paradise. Pure eye candy.”

“You should’ve asked one of the prettier ones to smear sun cream all over you”, Doc grumbles as he rubs the cool lotion into the skin of Jäger’s back, barely resisting the urge to draw a dick on him first.

“I did. He’s currently at it.”

Doc snorts, amused for exactly as long as it takes for him to notice Jäger’s small moan while he’s massaging the back of his neck. A terrifying thought dawns on him. “Please tell me you don’t get horny when you’re bored.”

“Of course I do. What else is there to do? Just take a look around, there’s so many gorgeous guys wearing shockingly little and I bet they want to get away from their nagging fake husbands too.”

He pushes against Jäger’s shoulder blades, causing him to lean forward, and dips his hand into the back of his swimming trunks. Better safe than sorry – he once got a nasty sunburn right above his waistline and cursed himself for not being more careful. “I refuse to believe that anyone out there shares our fate. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Also, if you fuck a stranger in our bed, I’m going to murder you in your sleep.”

“Alright, I’ll stay classy then and fuck them on a toilet or something. I saw you ogle that one brunette though and the same goes for you. No fucking with women in our bed, and if it’s a dude, you better invite me to join.”

“Is that really all there is to do here? Flirt with people?”

Jäger shrugs. “You can go for a swim with me.”

Their banter is oddly freeing. Because no matter how much Doc doesn’t want to be here in this hot hell, at least he’s not alone. He likes Jäger as a person and their mutual exasperation helped them bond even further – maybe he should change his perspective and view this week as a spontaneous holiday together with a friend. Yeah, he can do that. So he finds himself nodding. “Alright. Let’s go.”

“Wait, you should probably apply some sunscreen too. I’ll help.” And as Jäger’s hands gently dig into his muscles, causing him to hum in approval, Doc realises something about himself he didn’t know before. He also gets horny when he’s bored.

He’s just never been this bored before.

.

“Look, Gustave, you’re a great guy and I really enjoyed your company, but I have to be honest with you – I’m not the kind of person to encourage affairs”, the cute brunette woman tells him with a soft, regretful smile.

He blinks at her. It was perfect, they spent the better part of two hours talking, getting to know each other and making each other laugh. Hers is melodic and sweet, the lines in the corners of her eyes alluring and the fact that she’s actually successful and happy as a freelancer nothing but impressive. She’s caring and a great listener and - “What do you mean?”

“I’ve seen you with your husband. I’m sorry, but I don’t do this kind of thing. If you’re unhappy, I’m not the person with whom you should talk. He is.” And with a last squeeze of his hand, she vanishes into a different corner of the vast and uncomfortably dark bar, leaving Doc to put his head in his hands and take a deep breath.

Someone takes her place with a bitter grin which speaks of solidarity. “No luck either?”, Jäger asks.

“No. She also went right past couple and directly to marriage. Maybe we should stop hanging out together.”

“That only works if we’re not sleeping in the same room. Feel free to book one for yourself because I’m definitely staying for free.”

“Why so optimistic, did you actually manage to score a romantic public bathroom blow job?”

“Ah, not yet. But I’m still looking.” Jäger takes another sip from his brightly coloured drink as if he hasn’t had enough the previous night, and lets his gaze travel through the room, allowing for Doc to study him in peace. He’s actually not bad company, a bit immature at times but even Doc got caught up in splashing around in the sea earlier, and he entertained him by explaining exactly how he could take all the electronics in their room apart to construct a microwave, thus allowing him to microwave Nutella to the perfect consistency to eat it with a spoon directly out of the jar. Doc stated that he’d just need to put the jar out in the sun or change the thermostat in their room and Jäger called him a spoilsport in return. He really isn’t that bad. It could be worse.

“Marius”, he says pensively and is immediately granted Jäger’s full attention, “do you… want to go back to our room?”

He doesn’t understand at first, reacts with confusion at Doc’s odd tone of voice but once he gets it, his eyes widen. Nodding eagerly, he attempts to finish his drink and answer simultaneously, resulting in a coughing fit which leaves Doc grinning.

The grin fades as soon as they shut the door behind them.

They don’t even manage to undress fully before Doc is buried to the hilt, and so Jäger gets to try his hand at multitasking once more, this time pulling it off without a hitch: he’s riding, taking off his shirt and moaning filth at the same time while Doc grabs two handfuls of his plump backside and meets his movements, idly wondering just how thick the walls between rooms are.

.

It ends up being almost compulsive. They try their best to find other activities, join people they don’t know in beach volleyball or badminton, go swimming every day, take walks, browse the internet on their phones or on Jäger’s laptop, but there’s a surprising amount of hours in the day and some of them actually make it impossible to leave their air-conditioned room because they’re entirely too hot. So they really have no other choice.

Soon, the other guests’ reactions to merely seeing them span a wide range, among them outright disgust, knowledgable smirks and supportive smiles. One retiree even approaches them with a mischievous grin and lets them know he’d be up for a threesome if they’re looking, but Doc quickly sends him away before Jäger can even think about agreeing.

It happens more than once that Doc finds himself on their bed, Jäger entirely too loud while on his hands and knees before him with a frothing mixture of what Doc identifies to be his own come as well as the coconut oil they’ve grown fond of using dripping down his scrotum and he doesn’t even have the energy to be scandalised anymore. He’s accepted his fate by now, and if his fate is to survive a gruellingly carnal sex holiday, then so be it.

He’s stopped trying to correct people who call Jäger his husband. He even makes the mistake of signing a postcard his friend sends back to Hereford.

.

“So, how was your vacation?”, Blitz asks with a shit eating grin while they’re having lunch, sharing a curry IQ made which drew both the GSG9 as well as the GIGN operators together, resulting in six expectant faces turning to Doc and Jäger at the question.

“It was really fucking hot”, Jäger replies like an idiot and Doc wishes him physical harm.

“I bet it was”, Bandit mutters into his meal and earns a few snorts.

“You definitely look more relaxed than before”, Blitz takes over again, not wanting the conversation to derail this soon.

“Do I?” Doc certainly doesn’t feel more relaxed, his muscles are aching and his penis is still sore.

“Yeah, you’re positively glowing. So you both enjoyed yourselves?”

“Or each other, more like.” Bandit again. And that is it.

It can’t be that no one is taking Doc seriously, not when he stoops to actually holding a funeral speech for a fucking rabbit for his colleagues, not when he’s sweated and bled and worked himself raw for them. It’s ridiculous, absolutely absurd and, frankly, insulting. He can only imagine the reactions were he to actually start dating someone else and it’s bad enough he has to deal with his family thinking they’re together because they refuse to listen as well and why in the world is his dick hard. No, really. Why. This is probably the most inopportune -

“Did you make the curry with coconut milk?”, Jäger wants to know from IQ and judging by the vague panic in his expression, Doc surmises that he’s in a similar state. And oh. Does this mean he can never eat or smell coconut again without getting a boner? “I, uh, just need to go to the bathroom real quick.”

And while Jäger flees, Doc feels his own erection twitch in his pants. “Yeah”, he says distractedly, “me too.”

The snickering follows him all the way to the bathroom door and yet is soon forgotten. Seems like he’s not too tired for now.