#not to mention everything going on in the world right now in regards to abortion rights

[pearlsinmyhair]

༄ breath of venus ༄

chapter zero • prologue

synopsis: a girl is born from nothing, and her whole life she’s spent trying to become everything her family and clan need her to be. what happens when she’s abducted by long dead soldiers and old ghosts?

summary: a goddess is born from sea foam, and the world crumbles around her. the dominoes are in place, now all they have to do is start to topple.

warnings: death. abortion mentions. crimes against nature. hippa violations. get your war crime bingo cards ready.

a.n.: welcome to the first part of breath of venus! this note is actually written much later (august fifth). i hope you enjoy.

word count: 1.4k

birth

Grace Augustine was royally pissed.

Such was not an uncommon occurrence. RDA corporate had a talent for getting on her nerves. But this time it was her own department that had set her off.

She marched through the halls, ignoring the curious stares of soldiers and scientists alike. She walked into the Avatar Growth Bay with very little ceremony.

This morning she had stumbled upon a document that had shocked her to her core. An… experiment that had not been cleared by her. One that violated more health codes and human rights than she could count.

She pulled on the exomask with ease, her muscle memory taking over. She opened the doors to the incubation room, and she watched as the scientists and doctors around the artificial womb machine turn to her in surprise.

“Out!” she yelled, glaring at them all. “Get the hell out of my sight before I put you on a ship back to Earth.” The people in the room hurried out, leaving Grace with the sound of filtered Pandoran air and the thrum of machines.

She approached the machine slowly. It was built like a shell, with room for an embryo to grow to a baby. It was how they created avatars. But this baby was different.

The document was vague on the details of the specimen. That there was an aborted human fetus that they had decided to use to create a na’vi hybrid. They had picked apart DNA, blending and synthesizing for months before they were satisfied.

They had created life. Without the explicit consent of either parents and their superiors.

‘Graduate students’, thought Grace bitterly as she looked down into the opening.

And there she was. She was small, for a na’vi baby. Her soft blue skin was lighter than normal, but only slightly. Genetics, maybe. Unlike avatars, her queue grew from the top of her head as natural na’vi kurus did. Only the slight rise and fall of the baby’s chest alerted Grace that she was alive.

That is, until they began to cry.

Grace had never been the maternal type. But something in her jolted, and she rushed to put on gloves. She carefully lifted the baby, checking over her for any post-emergence injuries or stresses.

During her evaluation, she realized the baby was a healthy girl. She also realized that the girl’s discomfort was from hunger. The baby grabbed at her face (four fingers and one thumb, like humans) opening her eyes to reveal lime green irises.

‘What to call you?’ Grace thought to herself, cradling the baby to her chest. She was the size of a human toddler already, but Grace ignored the weight. She had already checked the baby’s file, scanning for any designator or title. There was none. She regarded the baby calmly.

An idea popped into her head as she glanced at the shell-like incubation machine. The image of Botticelli’s Birth of Venus rose in her mind. A woman being carried on a shell, magically born from sea foam.

“Venus” she whispered to the baby, and for a moment the little girl quieted, watching Grace curiously. “Venus” she repeated, and the girl blinked at her.

“Let’s get you some food.” she said, wrapping the child in a sterile blanket to transport her. She was going to have to travel to a private area so that no alarm was raised. She’d rather not have corporate know that they had a very alive and very sentient na’vi child on their hands.

She stepped out into the hall with Venus tucked against her, hurrying around corners. She had squirmed when she had to strap a breath assister to her face. Thankfully, it seemed like everyone had gone to bed or private spaces. All she had to do was avoid any personal and get to her office-

She slammed right into the chest of a marine, letting out a gasp of surprise.

“Easy there, Doc. Where’re you running to?” came a cocky voice.

She glared up to meet the eyes of Corporal Lyle Wainfleet, who raised an eyebrow at her. His eyes widened when Venus began to cry.

“What do you have, Augustine?” he asked with a curious expression. He knew that it was a baby, but he didn’t know everything.

Grace groaned, grabbing his arm and practically dragging him away. “You’re coming with me, marine.” she said, in her typical no-nonsense tone.

When they arrived at her office, she gestured for Lyle to sit. “Open your arms.” she ordered. Lyle obeyed, more out of curiosity than obedience. When she placed Venus in the cradle of his arms, his expression dropped.

“Augustine.” he breathed, eyes wide as he looked down at the baby. “Are you baby snatching now?”

“No, she’s…” Grace trailed off, debating telling him what Venus was. Or rather, who she was. She decided that it’d be better to leave the marine in the dark for the most part. “You will tell no one about her.” she explained, turning back to Wainfleet after preparing some formula that would feed the baby. “Not your superiors. Not your friends. And not your colonel.”

Especially not his colonel.

Lyle watched her. For all of his cockiness and jokes, he was a thoughtful person. She could tell that he was hesitant, and for a moment her confidence in the decision of letting him here wavered. But then he looked down at Venus, and she saw how his shoulders relaxed.

“Well Augustine, I guess we have a miracle baby to raise.”

two years

It was no easy task keeping a curious baby safe and contained.

Grace and Lyle not only had to deal with the usual trials and tribulations of raising a baby, but they also had to deal with the fact that Venus was a large alien baby. She required monitoring and mental stimulation, activity and attention. So Augustine and Wainfleet took shifts.

Venus loved Lyle, grabbing at his nose and patting his bald head (much to Lyle’s dismay and Grace’s amusement). But she loved Grace, to her core. Her ears perked when she spoke to her, and they dropped back when she scolded her.

One of the hardest battles they had to fight was making sure no one knew of her existence. If someone saw a na’vi child running around, not only would they be screwed and court marshaled, but Venus would be in danger. And neither human would let that happen.

They both kept video logs and notes about Venus. In a way, they both mutually understood that they weren’t always going to be able to protect Venus, so they had to prepare for the worst case scenario.

To Grace’s surprise, Lyle kept Venus a secret. He revealed nothing, no matter how his fellow jarheads pushed at him.

“They’re convinced I have some girl.” he told Grace one day as he bounced Venus on his knee. “But they have no idea that you’re the only girl i’m with.” he said to Venus, sticking his tongue out at her. Venus giggled, mirroring his action.

For a few years, all was peaceful. Stressful and exhausting, but peaceful.

But tides change, quick and rough, without mercy.

two years and ten months

“You alright, Grace?” asked Jake from his bunk, watching Augustine fiddle with the makeshift song cord in her hand.

She had wanted to make Venus a song cord for a long time, but never got the hang of it. Now that they were back with the Omatikaya, Grace was able to learn a few things from the talented weavers of the clan.

That did not mean that she wasn’t ready to throw the goddamn thing out the window.

“Yeah Yeah, Marine, i’m good.” she answered Jake, pulling the song cord up to her forehead. A small plastic shell dangled from the end, shiny and artificial. It was a symbol for Venus’s namesake. Now, the tackiness of the trinket annoyed her.

She could feel Jake’s curious stare at her back, but she would not explain herself. She had been away from Venus far to long, and she was growing restless.

Is she alright? Is she hurt? Does she miss me?

All questions that she asked Lyle on a regular basis. While her and the marine had grown apart since the military took a more active role with the na’vi, Venus bound them together. Lyle answered most positively, the only negative answer being that she missed Grace dearly.

She sighed.

“Get some rest, Jake. We need you in top shape.”

Everyday she felt the violence growing closer. And there was nothing she could do.

She pressed her skin against the knots of the song cord hard enough to leave marks, sending a silent prayer of protection for her little baby.

three years

Grace had had a lot of time to herself as she lay dying.

Her mind was oddly calm, like waves on a shore. Her body ached, but she didn’t mind. She knew what was coming.

It wasn’t until Jake brought her to the Spirit Tree that she remembered everything she was fighting for.

Venus.

As she lay there, feeling the forest around her, she allowed the invisible neural tendrils to reach into her thoughts.

Protect her.

Jake looked down at her. “Protect who, Grace?” he asked, eyes wide in panic. So she had said that out loud.

This time, another voice answered her.

I WILL TRY MY BEST, GRACE.

She allowed her mind to slip away, Venus’s name on the tip of her tongue as her vision slipped into light.

after the battle

Jake searched Hellsgate, double checking that there were no more RDA staff in the building. He and his team would take any supplies that were of use.

Neytiri stood beside him, and for a moment they sat in silence. The victory had flown over them. Now they were tired. Ready to start a new life.

The sound of a chair falling over made then both jump.

Neytiri was the one to step forward, swatting at his hand when he reached to grab her arm. She rounded a corner, bending down to peer under a desk. She backed up swiftly, a surprised look on her face.

Jake approached as she reached down under the desk. He halted when she lifted a small na’vi girl into her arms.

Protect her.

Oh.

He gently reached forward, stroking the girls cheek. She wore a necklace of sloppy knots, a plastic shell dangling from the end.

Oh, Grace.

A usb was attached to the song cord, one word written in Augustine’s barely legible doctors handwriting. “Venus.”

Neytiri rested her chin on top of the girls head, looking at Jake.

He nodded, pulling his mate close, sandwiching the girl between their bodies.

I’ll keep her safe, Grace. I promise.

masterlist | next

And so it begins! This will be part one of the prologue, and then we’ll get into the meat of the story. I wonder if some of you will figure out Venus’s origins before I actually tell you all. I’ve been developing this story for months, and i’m so excited to finally share it with you all! This is my first ever fic so this will be an experience.

all my love,

pearl.

~tag list

@lisedanie @avatar4eva

[echofades]

Charity and Vanessa were one of the only f/f couples on television raising children together. It was the kind of representation desperately needed for wlw to look up to and see that families like that could actually exist. 

I cut Emmerdale a little bit of slack for having to undo some of that work when they had to write Michelle out - but I at least had hope that they chose to complete the adoption before the breakup for a reason. That even if Vanity were apart they’d still make sure to treat Johnny as Charity’s child, to give some consideration to the family that they build together. But no. Johnny’s adoption was relevant for all of a week (to give us scenes of Mack crying about it, I guess), and aside from a throwaway line or two it may as well have never happened at this point. Not a single general audience member would list Johnny as one of Charity’s kids if asked. I don’t know what will happen when Vanessa leaves for a second time but if she goes by choice I don’t even expect them to give Charity and Johnny’s connection a second though. And Vanessa’s relationship with Moses, or Noah, or Sarah? Well those bonds never existed at all I guess. 

And now, just to really rub salt in the would... Charity might have a baby with Mack instead!! The fact that it is wildly out of character for Charity to want another baby at this point in her life, when she can barely keep track of the kids she already has, should have me believing that she will go through with an abortion, Mack will be angry because he wanted it, and it’ll split them up. But this is Emmerdale in a post-2020 world. So I can’t wait for them to have her decide to keep the baby, and get emotional about how she wasn’t in a good place when she had her other kids, and now she finally gets to bring a kid into the world in a happy wonderful stable relationship. 

When Johnny was supposed to be the child she chose. The family she created with Vanessa was what she chose.

I have no words :)

[starshipsofstarlord]

Jim and Jody - Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary; it was one of the biggest decisions of your life, but will you change your mind before your future is sealed?

Warnings; angst, mentions of abortion (everyone is permitted to do what they want with their body, in this imagine the reader wants to keep the baby, but pro choice, as everyone deserves control over their bodies and all 🤍), brief mention of sex and threats

Masterlist Link

To see him so relaxed, so completely and utterly himself was a paradise all on its own. There was a heaviness aboard your shoulders, but as you watched him goof tirelessly about, you had no other concerns, not even as you subconsciously raised your hand over your stomach. You shook your head at the sentiment, the two of you had already made the decision to abort this child, it was unknown how the poor fellow would turn out to be; with the combination of your powers and his super everything, it was sure to be quite the complication, and not one that you supposed was to be an easy course.

A smile pried at your face, simply from viewing him with the pack of children, the wind from the docks swept your hair into your face, and in turn, you swept the locks out and away from your vision, so that you had further access to watch the man that you loved in his absolute element. Through the years, past and recent, he had lost so much, and this child was just to be another mantle on the wall of memorial in his mind, it was sad really. If the two of you were normal, with average and lives that had perceptions with no regards of being heroic, there’d be no query about it, you’d keep the baby.

That life though, to your grave misfortune, did not exist, it was merely a fantasy living painfully inside of your mind, haunting you whenever you closed your eyes, with the flashing images of a resolution and end to the errors in your lifestyle. There’d be a big house, yet nothing to prissy, just enough room for the pair of you and few children of your own, a grand garden with a swing set and sand pit, where the infants could grow up and play in once they were older. Then there’d also be a shed for Bucky to work on small projects, such as attaining some love and care to his motor bike, as well as storing the supplies that he’d need to do so.

All that is a universe away, muffled from possibility by the stars expediting through the gorgeous veil of the galaxy, corrupting the possibilities of ever gaining access to such... peace. That was the one thing that the pair of you wanted, however catching a break was rather rare within your predicament. A stifled laugh reeled from the conjunction of your lips as you simply and endearingly surveyed how the boys, specifically Sam’s nephews hung from the vibranium branch of his arm. It was all your attention was focused on, until an extra person took a seat on the picnic table beside you, his sweet yet musky scent detailing whom it was. “If your not going to eat that, I’m sure Barnes Junior might want an opinion on that.”

The underlining of the words caused an abstract grimace to forlorn your features, as you stared not at the speaker of whom you were close with, but instead the slather of cake that was planted on a paper plate before you, the icing beginning to become slightly sick from the beating of the viable son. “You’re glowing, you know? Motherhood is a good look on you y/n/n, I wouldn’t be so soon to let that go.” Your fingers pried at the dismantled crumbs off your section of desert as you looked to your new captain, a resonating conformation fo bridled suffering and hopelessness clouding your view of his attempt at making you atone before you made a sin that you’d forever regret.

He, like many others, knew that the family life was what you wanted; you wanted to be your child’s hero, tending to their each necessary (and unnecessary) need, them being your main focus and project and life. Instead, you had been handed your options on a short stick, and thus, your decision, albeit somewhat of a sensible one, didn’t make it hurt any less. “Sam.” You spoke his name, observing from the corner of your eye how Bucky paraded around the dock with Jim and Jody. It’d be nice to give him a slice of this kinda life, he was thriving as an adult around children, you could only imagine him in the case of this one being birthed into the world. “It’s not that easy.”

“No one said it was going to be easy.” Sam responded quickly, affirming your fears to your nerve wrecked face. “I get it, I do. People will be after this kid, and that is no way to live, but you two aren’t alone in any of this, nor will you be in that. You have me, along with many other old friends of ours, hell even the Wakandan’s. Do you really want to sacrifice this one life so you can continue living this one? You and Bucky have both lost so much, you don’t have to force yourself to willingly give away something else. The decision can be changed the last minute, it’s a lot to take in, I get that, but I see the way Buck is with my nephews, and how you watch them when you think nobody’s looking over at you. With your state pardon, you two can retire, and go far away, and abandon everything for this one little guy or gal, because I know that if you do, no matter what, they’ll be worth it.”

Bucky wailed a warrior’s shout as Jim and Jody playfully struck him down, his unsheathed metal hand grasping at the cloth that was tightly aboard his addictive chest. He rolled on the ground as the children ran to retrieve their toy lightsabers, leaving him to be expendable against their weapons. There was a giddy and fitting smile smouldering his usual stoic expression. It was no wander why he found calm in visiting Sam and his sister’s small, and accepting family. The kids brought out another side of him, which he had been tortured to refrain from showing, but you had seen, and were contemplating many things within your mind. You were lapping up the image, as though you were dehydrated and the sight of him appeased by the company of young ones was a source of water.

Sam was right, he always was and had been. “The decision was on both of our parts, you don’t think Buck’ll change his mind, or do you?” You were invested in getting a responsive answer, yet the man spluttered a laugh at your confused expense. He heaved for a moment, bracing his hands on his knees as he caught his breath. There was nothing stopping him from gaining it back, unlike Bucky whom had grabbed a saber of his own and lightly began to paddle against the one that was directed against him, other than another round of hysterics that abandoned him. A reasonable smile resonated a comfortable position upon the former falcon’s face, as he tentatively patted your knee, watching as you broke off a small rupture of cake and popped it in your mouth, feeding not only yourself but the inmate within your womb.

“There isn’t really much for me to say, it’s easy, look at him. He will be fine with whatever decision that the pair of you succumb to, after all, it’s your body, but it will pain him like nothing else ever has if you go through with the abortion, and if not, then trust me, we’ve both seen how hard he fights; think of that but ten times the mass in consideration of this baby, because I am certain that he’d do anything for them. He lost his entire family when he awoke from his mode of hydra assassin, this could be him getting it back. Different members, but a family all the same.” He stole a little of your cake, making you lightly elbow him as a smirk rendered a beauty upon his face.

“What’s that going to make you, the patriotic uncle who just can’t keep himself from flashing his shield?” Now it was his turn to retaliate, he lightly scuffed your ankle with a feather light tap of the toe of his shoe, causing you to promiscuously roll your eyes. “I’m joking, that was Steve’s aesthetic, this new version of cap is your baby, I have great faith in you to make this world a better and safer place. The funny thing is, when you finally accepted that shield was yours, that’s when my mind shifted to the possibility of keeping this kid. It was and has always been a sign of hope and protection to Bucky, maybe it could be the same for our little one. It was just a thought, I’m not meaning to put pressure on your or anything bu-“

“I get it, and I’m honoured. And if that is how it seems, then I want you to know that I’ll be there to protect them too. The main bump in the road for now is for you to talk to that grumpy ass boyfriend of yours and figure this sperm plus egg equation out, send Jim and Jody over here, I got somethin’ to show those two anyway.” With a nod and a grateful pat upon your friend’s head, you slowly plodded over to where Bucky was being cornered against the side of the truck by the boys. His blue orbs danced around their small and imaginative beings, until they landed on you, it was as though his pupils were calling out for help, begging for you to spare some mercy upon him.

“Jim, Jody, your uncle Sammy has something for you two to see.” They groaned lightly, having been pulled away from the narrative of their play time, but nevertheless their faces were clean slates as they expressed hyper smiles, and bolted their route towards their mother’s sibling, carrying their lightsaber replicas along with them. “Two kids beat an infamous, deadly badass with a metal arm. I think you might be getting too old for these kinda battles Buck, you were losing, and quite terribly if I say so myself.” Crossing your arms, as he came to an upright stand, hoisting himself off the ground, so that he could be more level with you.

“Yeah, yeah, rub it in. Thought you were supposed to be supportive of me and all that, as you said to Zemo, you’d quite happily cut his dick off if he compared me to the shadow that I used to be.” His brow raised, as he reminisced on the thought of you threatening Zemo; it was hot, and certainly had gotten him going, which had shortly left you in this predicament, trying to save the world and execute the one last thing that exhumed hope to either one of you. The baby. It was almost a certain and solid fact that the little one inside of you had been procreated on the Baron’s private jet, more specifically, the small and clean bathroom that had became dirty with your primal sins.

“And I still regret not doing that, he’d have had much less leverage in any sense of the word of phallic if he had it sectioned off.” Silence emitted between the two of you, although a humoured smirk tantalised upon Bucky’s graceful face. For a change, he was not prompting the expression of a grumpy cat that was refused its nip, no, instead he could be compared to a future - actually, he already was a father to the bean held in the shield of your body, having been an ample ingredient in bringing the small person into being. “So, you having fun with Sarah’s kids, sure looks like you were quite in your element before I cut in.”

“I’m always in my element when you’re around doll.” He smiled, wrapping his uncoordinated hands around the oval of your waist, and tugging you sentimentally closer, your hips bumped with his, as your eyes ogled infatuatedly up at him. “They’re great kids, makes me realise exactly what we’re gonna be missing out on.” Bucky gulped, sparks of emotion taunted the behind of his eyes, like saucers of resentful fire. “You’d be the perfect mother, you know that right? After all you’ve done for me, you’ve nurtured me close to the man that I once was, the only difference is that I want to settle, but I don’t know how to go about dropping everything. This kid is killing me, he’s making me question everything.”

“That’s what kids are supposed to do, unborn, or very much avidly attacking grown men with false lightsabers.” Bucky deeply into your frustrated and corresponding eyes, your hands reaching up to play defiantly with the smooth dip in his chin that could be seen through the shading of his light stubble. “What if we did have a Jim and Jody of our own some day? We could keep him or her, they’d be our greatest concern, we don’t have to go down this painful and longing, rusted road. We could bring something good into this world, protect them against all forces that threaten to disrupt their life, I want this with you Bucky. We could move far far away, or go somewhere close to home.”

“Brooklyn.” He stated, causing a line to crease gently in the plain of his forehead. “I want to call them Brooklyn, if I am to fight the rest of my life for something, I want it to be my home. Last time I had to leave there, but it’s my amends to never leave this child of ours, if we’re going to do this, we need to put them in front of everything, and I mean everything.” He spoke, in reference to the other avengers and other aliases that you had stood by for so long. Bleakly you nodded, grasping his jaw down for an amorous kiss, humming against the palette of his lips, as your hands entwined behind his neck, pulling his face closer to your own, prompting his tongue to travel deeper within the realm of your mouth.

“Brooklyn is a nice name. How about Brooklyn Margaret Barnes? I think that has quite the ring to it.” You offered, and he hardly reacted, instead quickly appraising a pleasant smile onto the canvas of his work of art face, as he ducked his head down, conjoining the pair of you into a passionate and meaningful collide of your lips. Sam smiled as he watched the pair of you, pointing at you two from afar, as his nephews from afar. He was giving them a man to men talk, offering them advice that they would have valuable usage of in the future.

“Now that is love. You don’t give up for the one thing that connects you, and those two, well Bucky and y/n have been through a hell of a lot. They deserve this, and when you meet a woman when you’re older, and your mum is watching on towards the two of you, I want you to make her proud by treating your girl like a princess, willing to sacrifice everything simply to create the future that she wishes for you.” He emotionally wiped his eyes, rushing to stand before he grasped a lightsaber, leaving the other to spare for one of them. “Now Jim and Jody, which one of you will be my padawan?”

[vixenpen]

Can I get that pt 2 of Pregnancy for Dabi? Thanks love ❤️ Love your stories the most.

Dabi x (pregnant) Black! Reader

(Trigger warnings: difficult pregnancy, mention of abortion, toxic relationships)

(Pt.1)

Dabi had fucked up. And what’s worse is that he didn’t know how to make up for it.

After the argument over your unborn child, you had promptly moved in with Toga, and had been keeping your distance from him ever since.

He tried to give you the space you needed, but after four weeks, it began to hurt.

“Y/n, come on, we have to talk.”

“Oh now you wanna talk? I didn’t know you knew the meaning of the word.”

Before Dabi could reply, you spun on your heel and stormed away from him.

His heart ached harder with every step away from him you took. He couldn’t imagine a pain worse than losing you, except seeing you everyday and not being able to be with you. It had been four weeks since you had given him the news of your pregnancy, and you had already been about three or four weeks along then. You were now over two months pregnant.

Before, Dabi had vehemently demanded that you get an abortion. He still felt that way, but he wished he had gone about it differently.

Dabi: babe, remember where we had our first date?

No answer. Of course not. At this point it was to be expected. That was fine, maybe he could at least get you to hear him out.

Dabi: Y/n I know we need to talk. I know I fucked up n I’m sorry. I just want to make things right. Please meet me at our spot tonight at 1am.

Dabi pocketed his phone. He had no idea if you were willing to meet with him or not, but he knew he had to try and make it right before he went crazy. He swiped at the trail of blood trickling from the staple under his eye and got ready to go.

The beach was quiet and chilly. You tightened the scarf around your brown cheeks and sighed for warmth. You wandered along the sandy shore until you got to a rocky cliff overlooking the ocean. As you got closer memories of gentle turquoise eyes and soft laughter clouded your mind. You tried tucking them away. You needed to stay strong, and not give in to Dabi’s sweet words. But the more the familiar lanky shape started to take form on the horizon, the harder it was.

You squared your shoulders as you approached, and Dabi turned. His bright eyes were sad, but he managed a smile.

“Long time, no see, beautiful.”

Tucking your hands into your jean pockets, you let out an agreeable hum.

Dabi sighed, shoulders slumping and his smile falling. He looked exhausted all of a sudden.

“Y/n, I’m sorry. I know I was an asshole that night. You needed me to be supportive, and I left you...I just—“ he paused, and ran his long fingers through his jet hair with a deep sigh. “I got scared thinking about everything. Y/n, I love you to death, and I’ll support whatever decision you make regarding the baby, but I don’t want to be a father.”

It felt as if he had gripped your heart. You looked away.

“I’m sorry,” his raspy voice cracked. “I can’t give a baby what it deserves. You’ll be a great mother if that’s what you want, but I—y/n, you and I both know I’m not long for this world. Im sorry that I left you...and that I hurt you, hell, I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but—“

“You won’t be a father.” You mumbled.

“What?”

Tears stung the corners of your eyes, you burrowed deeper into your scarf, still avoiding Dabi’s gaze.

“After our argument, I hid out in the old apartment because I didn’t wanna be around anybody. I...I lost the baby three days later.” Your voice caught.

As the words sank in, Dabi felt dizzy and nauseous. As if the world had begun rocking beneath his feet.

“Y-y/n,” he stepped closer, reaching for your shoulders only for you to jerk away.

“Don’t pretend to give a fuck now!” You snapped, finally glaring at him with every bit of the resentment you felt.

Dabi winced. His hand fell to his side.

You took shaky breaths to calm yourself and stepped further back from him, eyes downcast.

“I didn’t really know if I wanted a kid either, you know?” You muttered. “ I just wanted to talk it through. I thought I would have more time to think about it...I-“

The crashing waves filled the silence. It was the only noise keeping Dabi grounded. He imagined you, in pain both physically and emotionally. Alone in that old apartment as you miscarried. And he wanted to die.

“It’s one thing to terminate a pregnancy on your own terms,” your hand gripped around your stomach. “It’s another thing to lose a baby...like that—“

“It’s because of me...” he whispered.

You said nothing.

“I was stressed.”

Because of me...

He didn’t say it aloud.

“Y/n, if I had known, I would have taken care of you...I would have done anything to-“

“You had done enough.” You cut him off.

The man bit his lip, brows wrinkling in distress.

“It’s too late for ‘sorry’ Dabi. I accept your apology, but...” you shook your head. “I’m not ready to...I still need more time-“

Large warm hands cupped your chilly cheeks, and your ex tilted your head to face him.

“I don’t need your forgiveness, y/n, I just need you to know that I’m sorry.” He managed a strained smile. “Take all the time you need. Just know, that I am sorry. More than you know.”

You heard the cracks in his deep, raspy voice, and knew that he meant it. It took everything not to melt into the comfort and familiarity of his touch, but you nodded and gently pulled away.

“Goodnight Dabi.”

He held your gaze and his soft, sad smile. “Goodnight, y/n.”

And it felt final.

[volturiwolf]

The Volturi Princess - A Felix Volturi x fem!Reader Story (part 5)

A/N: That is the second part I'm uploading at the same time as part 4 because it will probably take me a lot more time to upload the next parts.

No of Words: 4300+

Mentions of: Abandonment, Abortion, Anxiety, Blood, Bruises, Coma/Comatosed State, Death Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Physical Pain, Gaslighting, Greece/Greek Language - with translation, Heartbreak, Italian Language - with translation, Manipulation, Murder, Pain, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Suffering, Suicide/Suicidal Thoughts, Swear Language, Throwing Up/Puking, Witches/Wizards/Witchcraft

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“The Volturi Princess ” Tag List (reply if you want to be tagged or removed):

@felixvolturisprincess @singerj2002 @mrtony-stank1 @ikissedthescarsonherskin @alecvolturiswifeforever @hshehdyhd @kpopgirlbtssvt @eunoia-kth @iilsenewman

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Felix’s POV:

It’s been about seven months since I woke up and (Y/N) fell asleep - I refused to acknowledge that she may not wake up. I preferred to tell myself that she was taking a long nap, just as she used to do before she left Volterra. I was telling myself again and again that she was sleeping, so much so that I almost started believing it.

When (Y/N) sacrificed her blood to save me, I couldn’t stop myself from almost draining her before Chelsea finally managed to take her away from me. When I realized that it was (Y/N)’s blood the one I consumed, I staggered back and forth as if I was trying to wake up from a bad dream. Her blood always “spoke” to me - la mia cantante - and when I got the chance to taste her, I couldn’t stop myself.

Now, she was in a comatose state, pale and weakened. She was still held in the dungeons, although she was taken care of, due to her current state. Chelsea informed me regarding what happened when I was unconscious.

(Y/N) was the one who carried me all the way back to Volterra, and she was forced to spend her time in the dungeons as a punishment for her “recklessness”, and Afton and Chelsea were guarding her. She was only allowed human food, which, of course, would have weakened her body!

Even as a part-vampire, part-human, she still needed blood to survive, to keep her strong. But, I guessed that was exactly what Aro would want to avoid; he wanted to keep her weak and powerless.

I tried once to force her to drink blood that I collected from some humans but she wouldn’t keep the blood in her mouth, let alone swallow it down. So, that plan was aborted and I couldn’t think of any other way to help her.

It had been a few days since I had last seen her. Aro forbade me from seeing her until Carlisle arrived, and even then, there was only a slight possibility I would be allowed to visit her. All I could do was wait.

Yet again, I thought it was unfair for (Y/N) to get punished. It wasn’t her who attacked me, it was her father. But it was only clear that Aro didn’t care as much about my physical state, as he cared about punishing (Y/N) for leaving Volterra, traveling the world, and finding her parents.

If it wasn’t for Aro and the obligation I felt towards him and the rest of the Volturi for taking me in and turning me into a vampire, I swear I would gladly take (Y/N) away from here. I couldn’t abandon my friends though, and I knew none of them would be willing to come with me. They had all built their loyalty towards the Kings due to Chelsea’s gifts, and Chelsea was pleased with this life due to Corin’s gift.

It was basically a cycle, where they all depended on the two of them to keep the balance and the bonds within the members of the coven. And, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, though my mate bond with (Y/N) was strong and powerful, I felt my bond with the coven and the Kings being reinforced day after day.

Days and nights were passing with no news from (Y/N) or the Twins. I was spending most of my time in my room, as there was nothing to do in particular - there was no new mission and everyone else seemed to be engaged in their own thing. Apart from Chelsea and Demetri who took care of (Y/N) or visited me to make sure I was okay, nothing seemed to have changed for everyone else.

A knock on the door broke the silence. Demetri. He came into my room without waiting for a response, which was not always something he did. His face seemed anxious, and I knew something was going on.

“They are here” was the only thing he managed to say before I jumped out of the bed and passed by him quickly, running out of the door, towards the dungeons. I was met with the Twins standing outside of (Y/N)’s temporary room. Carlisle was in the room with (Y/N) and Chelsea. I wanted to go in, to make sure he took care of my love, but the Twins stopped me in my tracks.

“We don’t know what will happen yet. Don’t go in there.” Jane spoke first. “We talked to Carlisle about her situation. He’ll try to do whatever he can.”

“You know that’s not enough.” I growled at her.

“It’s the best we have. Now, Felix, stay back or I will take away all of your senses until Carlisle leaves.” Alec warned me and the only thing I could do at the moment was to be quiet and wait for the doctor to inform us of (Y/N)’s situation. I could clearly hear them from the inside of her room.

“She has lost a lot of blood. How long has she been like this?” Carlisle asked Chelsea.

“About seven months now. We waited almost a month, just to see if she would wake up before Aro sent the Twins to come to find you.” Chelsea informed him.

“I see. Well, her heart is quite weakened. Was she..you know..physically capable before..the incident? Did she feed?” I knew Carlisle was implying if she was able to consume blood before she gave hers for me.

“No.” Chelsea sounded saddened. “She was “serving” her penalty. Aro would only allow us to serve her human food. She was already getting weak before that, and when Felix was unconscious, she was getting worse. I could feel their bond getting all over the place, and I consulted Marcus. He said that for (Y/N), knowing Felix wasn’t okay, was probably why she was draining, mentally and physically.”

I knew the bond was strong between mates, but I didn’t know it could have such an effect on (Y/N). I knew that Marcus was a total wreck from the moment he lost Didyme, but I had no idea how much it would affect (Y/N) in such a short period of time.

“We’ll have to fill her with blood. Have you tried feeding her somehow?”

“Felix has tried quite a few times to force her to feed but she couldn’t swallow the blood. It would fall right out of her mouth.”

“Right.” Carlisle sighed. “I’ll try to do something else, though I don’t know if it will work for her. As much as I don’t agree, I will need you to find me some humans. I will try to transfuse their blood to her. I will need some alcohol to sterile everything, some cotton, some needles, and some tubes. Could you find me some, Chelsea?”

“Yes, I will inform the Kings and the others as well.” Chelsea exited the room. “Demetri, can you stay with (Y/N)? Help Carlisle with whatever he needs. Jane, Alec, will you come with me, please? We have to inform Heidi as well.” The Twins nodded and they all ran upstairs, while Demetri entered (Y/N)’s room and closed the door behind him, leaving me outside, waiting.

It took some time, though not too long in vampire standards, for Chelsea and the Twins to come back with everything Carlisle needed. Santiago and Afton followed close behind, each one of them carrying two unconscious humans on their shoulders. They all entered (Y/N)’s room and then Santiago and Afton left.

I heard the alcohol rubbing against (Y/N)’s skin and then a human’s. I heard the needles piercing through their skin and then I smelled the blood. It was warm and welcoming, and I heard the vampires in their room trying to control their thirst; all except Carlisle, who had been training himself for years to abstain from human blood. He wanted to help people, something which I never quite understood, until now. Now, he was the only one who could help (Y/N).

A few moments passed in total silence.

“She seems to be reacting well enough to it. If it was any other human, they may have been dead by now.” I felt the general confusion in the room, just as much as Carlisle did.

“If it was any other human, we would have to test their blood type and the donor’s blood type, to see if they match. Unfortunately, there is no such method yet, to efficiently test this. So, it is a 50-50 chance that the patient receiving the blood may or may not die because of being the wrong match with the donor. However, (Y/N)’s body may be treating the blood solely as food, so it may not affect her in that way. However, she should be well-fed. The fact that she’s becoming better now cannot guarantee that she will wake up, but, at least, it will give her a boost of energy. Then, it all depends on her. I may have to stay a few days with her to see her progress if you don’t mind”.

“Of course, Carlisle, you’re welcome to stay as long as needed.” Jane took it upon her to reply. “I will inform the Masters but I think they’ll have no issue with that.”

“Thank you, Jane. I’ll now have to switch needles for the next transfusion. Let me know when the next..supplies will arrive.”

Carlisle certainly didn’t like the way we saw humans, as mere food, disposable, but that was our nature and we couldn’t go against it. Although Carlisle, feeding exclusively on animal blood, still seemed strong, capable, with a clear mind, and way better self-control than any of us did. Though, by now, we could control our thirst pretty well and only fed when we wanted, though it still wasn’t as easy to stand close to humans, as it was for him.

In my whole life, I have never craved a human’s blood as much as I have (Y/N)’s, but our bond would not let me feed off of her; I felt sick at the mere thought of hurting her. And yet, here we were, not knowing if (Y/N) will wake up or not. I only blamed myself and my nature, though I couldn’t change what I was, what I was turned into. I could only hope that (Y/N) would eventually wake up.

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Days were passing by, excruciatingly slow. I had nothing to do to keep my mind off of her, so I tried to spend most of my time outside of Volterra, in the woods, hunting or just running around to make the time pass as quickly as possible. Yet, it did not seem effective at all; I was left alone with my own thoughts, and (Y/N) was in all of them.

I struggled to remember my time in Greece when I saw her after all this time; my head was pounding every time I attempted to figure out what happened then. I could only vaguely remember when I asked her to go back home and then I passed out. Other than that, nothing but a blur. As if my memories were wiped or my brain was messed up with.

Carlisle stayed by (Y/N)’s side the majority of the time he was spending here, except for the few times he had to hunt or when he was invited by the Masters to discuss - we assumed their conversations included (Y/N)’s state, as well as his life and how he has been all these years, living as a “vegetarian” vampire, a term he used when comparing his diet to a vampire’s “regular” human blood-based one.

I still don’t know how he managed to survive and actually thrive on it, but I knew (Y/N) also started practicing this type of diet during and after Carlisle’s departure from Volterra all these years ago. She wouldn’t feed with us; if she was in the castle, she would eat human food, claiming she had “already satisfied her blood needs”. In reality, I did catch her hunting animals once or twice before, when I went out hunting humans, but I didn’t care about her diet; I wouldn’t judge her, as long as she was happy and healthy.

The absence of blood from her diet in general - courtesy of Aro, as her punishment - has deeply affected and weakened her. Thankfully, Carlisle’s presence forced Aro to follow his orders and allow (Y/N) to access blood. Carlisle must have gone through over 30 or 40 people during the period of a week, constantly transfusing blood to (Y/N), only leaving about 2 to 3 hours between each transfusion, to ensure her body acted positively and effectively to the blood fed to her.

I was helping along with Santiago and Afton to transfer the unconscious humans down to the dungeons; Heidi was attracting them as per usual, and sometimes, Demetri and I would go hunt them down at night, where most humans would be asleep.

It wasn’t an easy job - many humans had been infected by many different diseases, so their blood was also infected. Carlisle instructed us that the humans should be as “clean” and healthy as possible, as (Y/N)’s body would most likely not be able to fight a disease at that point. Usually, as vampires, we wouldn’t be affected by that; sure, the blood tasted pretty bad, but we could still consume it.

In (Y/N)’s case, Carlisle was treating her body like a human’s - fragile, mortal, disposable. The simplest bacteria could be fatal for her life at this point, so we could only hunt for humans where we knew the living conditions were a bit better than the general consensus.

I was currently sitting on a chair, at the furthest point of the library, going through some books (Y/N) used to love reading. Among others, it was Aristotle’s De Animalibus; Lascaris’ Grammatica Graeca, sive compendium octo orationis partium; Petrarcha’s Il Canzoniere; and Shakespeare's “First Folio”.

I always had trouble studying in Greek - or any other language, if I’m being honest, but both Demetri and (Y/N) attempted to help me multiple times. I had trouble studying with Demetri because he wasn’t (Y/N), and I had trouble studying with (Y/N) because she was herself; I couldn’t concentrate on studying when she was near me.

I missed that feeling. I just wished I could relive these moments when she was so close to me, I could practically feel her warmth. Truth be told, I always attempted to flirt with her, to come closer, to see if she could feel our bond, but she always dismissed my attempts.

“How are you holding on, my boy?” I didn’t realize someone was standing behind me, so I was startled. I turned around to see Marcus, his constantly sad face replaced by a worried look. “I know that you feel lost right now, I can sense it.” I couldn’t open my mouth to reply, I just looked down at my feet.

“I know how you feel. I, too, have been feeling like this for a long time now; lost, desperate, unable to do anything. When I lost my Didyme, I basically lost my whole world, my mind, my heart, my will to live. I’ve been wandering this planet aimlessly. Without her, nothing in this world ever made sense to me; she was the one who gave meaning to everything. I joined Aro because of her, and after she was gone, I was trapped in his ambitious plans and was never able to escape him. He wants me alive to help him in his causes, but all I want is my Didyme back.”

Marcus never spoke of his and Didyme’s relationship to anyone - it just hurt him too much to remember her.

“I should have saved her. We shouldn’t have told anyone we wanted to leave the Volturi. Sometimes, I can’t help but think that it was Aro behind everything, behind her death, behind me getting trapped here. I cannot prove it though, and I also don’t even want to think that he could do something so evil, so abominable as to kill his own sister because she...we wouldn’t agree with his plans.” Marcus looked skeptical and desperate; saying all these things that he had buried deep inside him for so long must have been painful for him.

I couldn’t help but think what could happen if (Y/N) never actually recovered. I would never recover from it either. I have already created an “unofficial” plan - I would actually abandon Volterra forever, I would try to take my own life, and if that didn’t work, I already knew plenty of enemies the Volturi have made over the years. They would “take care” of me, and I wouldn’t resist - I wouldn’t have a reason to exist, a reason to fight for.

“When the time comes for her to wake up, don’t waste any time. Nothing would matter without her, so don’t waste any time away from her. You both wasted a lot of time, not admitting your feelings to each other. Better start now, before it’s too late.”

And with that, Marcus turned and ran out of the library, leaving me in my own thoughts. I had to see her, right now. Without really thinking about it, I ran out of the library and towards the dungeons. I saw Afton guarding her door, and I heard Chelsea and Carlisle inside her room. Her heartbeat was a bit stronger compared to a few months ago, but still weaker than her usual heartbeat, which used to echo in a castle full of vampires.

I went towards the door, but Afton stopped me. “She just had her last transfusion for the day. Let her rest. You shouldn’t be here anyway.”

“I have to see my mate. You all have been keeping me in the dark all this time. I HAVE TO SEE HER NOW!” I demanded and pushed the door open, Afton not being able to stop me. Chelsea and Carlisle turned towards me. “I have to see her. Please.” They looked at each other and nodded at me.

“We will leave you two alone. Just be careful and gentle. Her body is still weak and fragile, so no screams from now on, okay?” Carlisle acted like the father she never really had. I whispered a small “okay”, and Chelsea and Carlisle left the room quietly.

I was finally left alone with her. I haven’t seen her in over a month, since Carlisle came to Volterra, and I haven’t been alone with her once, since before she left Volterra. I actually missed her so much, seeing her, talking with her. She had a brilliant mind, the result of eons of studying and reading books. I couldn’t bear seeing her like that, comatose, emotionless, weak - she wasn’t the (Y/N) I knew. She was what her parents and Aro made her be - weak, helpless, a pawn to their plans. I wanted to talk to her, even if she couldn’t hear me.

“Hey, amore mio, it’s me, Felix.” My voice was trembling. “I came to see you, I missed you so much, Principessa (princess). I wish I could hold you in my arms right now, but I’m afraid I would break you. I wish you would wake up, I wish I could see your beautiful eyes again. I wish I had told you how much I love you, how I have been loving you all these centuries that I’ve been here.”

I paused a bit. “I wish I could tell you that all I remember from my human life is when you found me and brought me here and that all I ever think about is about you. I don’t want to lose you. I wasted too much time away from you. When I had so many chances to be with you, I was afraid, I was scared I was never good enough for you. You deserve better than me, you deserve the world. You are full of potential and I never wanted you to waste your life away with me. I wanted you to be happy and free because I love you. I would never think of restricting you, of forcing you to stay here with me, if that wasn’t what you wanted, so I let you go. I wanted you to see the world that fascinated you so much. I wanted you to experience everything. Even if that meant you were away from me; even if that meant you would never come back.”

I took an unnecessary breath. “I wish you would protect yourself first; I didn’t want you to sacrifice your life for me. You are too precious for me to lose you. And I’m afraid I may be too late, but..I wanted you to know that it’s always been you, everything I did was for you. It wasn’t Chelsea’s gift or my devotion to the Kings that kept me here. It was you, I wanted to be with you, stay with you, protect you. You gave meaning to my meaningless, cold life. You made me see life from a different perspective, you made me see that life it’s worth living and fighting for if I have you by my side. Please, come back to me.”

My eyes were stinking with venom at this point; (Y/N)’s heart beat a bit faster than before; her skin shined a bit more than before. I smiled at her peaceful figure before I captured her face within my palms. I leaned forwards and placed a tender and passionate kiss on her lips.

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(Y/N)’s POV:

I’ve felt like I’ve been living in the dark for quite some time now. I had no sense of where I was or how long I’ve been here - I stopped hearing voices, it was just the ultimate silence; a darkness I couldn’t see through, and a silence I couldn’t scream to. I didn’t even know how much time passed before I started hearing voices again. Was that Carlisle? And Chelsea? Chelsea actually stayed with me? After some time, I started feeling warmth and I could hear faint heartbeats, apart from my own.

Then, one day, Felix came to see me. I couldn’t see him or talk to him yet, but I could recognize him by his scent - to me, he always smelled like pinewood, sandalwood, cinnamon, and amber; his scent intoxicating and welcoming, it always gave me a sense of comfort and belonging.

He didn’t sit beside me on the bed. I could feel him standing beside the bed. His voice was trembling, though it sounded soft and caring. He told me all the things that I waited for centuries for him to say; to tell me that he loved me, just as I loved him all this time.

I felt something inside me break, something that kept me trapped here, and I felt my soul being lifted. I felt my heart beating faster, I felt like I could breathe, the weights that held me down being lifted off of me.

And then, he kissed me. It wasn’t like the small kiss he gave me last time; this kiss was full of passion and love, a kiss that could tell more than any word could ever do. I felt my soul reaching the surface, as I kissed him back, cupping his cheek with my hand. He stopped kissing me, and I opened my eyes, shedding tears that I kept inside for so long.

Felix was in shock, his face a few centimeters away from mine. I looked at him lovingly, as I stretched my hands to kiss him once again. He kissed me back, his hands settling on my waist, slowly lifting me off the bed and twirling me around, the bedsheets falling off of me. My heart beat faster than before, faster than it had ever had.

We were lost in our own world, his hands tightly hugging me, keeping me close to him. I finally was where my heart belonged. Our lips parted and I couldn’t stop staring deep into his black eyes, eyes full of love and lust. We stayed like this for a few minutes; Felix didn’t set me down just yet.

We heard the door open. There stood a shocked Demetri and an even more shocked Chelsea, followed by a shocked Jane and a shocked Alec. Felix finally set me down, and we turned to look at the four shocked vampires. I didn’t know it was possible for vampires to go into shock mode until I saw five in a span of a few minutes apart.

Chelsea was the first to come up to me and hug me tightly, followed by an even more enthusiastic Jane. Demetri and Alec waited for their turn and hugged me tightly, never letting me go. Thank Dia, I was partially a vampire, otherwise, they would literally crush my bones. Finally, they let me go but couldn’t keep their eyes off me, as if I would disappear in front of them if they didn’t. They pretty much couldn’t keep that thought off their minds.

“Guys, I’m not going anywhere. You can be sure about that.” I reassured each of them, smiling widely. “I understand you are all really concerned, but I'm okay now and I’m not going anywhere. I will not leave you.” I turned, looking up at Felix and smiling at him, him smiling back at me. I knew where my heart was now, and I would never let go of him.

[petrichoravellichor]

Begin and End There (Part 2)

For Day 6 of the Supernatural Deserved Better Creative Challenge (prompt: Destiel).

Note: This is Chapter 2 of 2; you can find the post with Chapter 1 here, or you can read the entire work on Ao3.

Rating: T

Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, minor Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, minor Castiel & Sam Winchester, background Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester

Warnings: Brief, non-graphic mentions of canon violence; reference to Dean’s suicidal ideation/decision to temporarily kill himself in 13x05; references to repeated major character death that didn’t stick - to be clear, this fic has a happy ending and is basically everything Dean needed to say and Cas needed to hear.

Summary: After the Empty takes him, Castiel wakes up in the last place he expected (Chapter 1), with a second chance at happiness when he reunites with Dean and the latter finally gets to speak his truth (Chapter 2).

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“Love him, and let him love you. Do you think anything else under heaven really matters?” —James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

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“Dean.” Sam’s voice was imploring, gentle, just like it had been the first two times he’d tried. “Come on, sit down.”

Dean ignored him and continued pacing, the cramped stillness of the motel room a vicious sounding board for his thoughts. Among them all, he clung to one thought in particular, the only one keeping him sane: Jack’s gonna get him back. He said he would. He has to...

He could feel Sam’s worried gaze on him from where his brother sat in a chair by the door. It had been Sam who had insisted they grab the motel room after Jack had gone, having intuited, rightly, that Dean was a mess even if he was trying to hide it and that he needed somewhere private where he didn’t have to. The only problem was that, for Dean, privacy in the sense of space to break down meant an audience of zero, not one, and Dean didn’t know how much longer he could hold himself together.

“Damn it, Sam,” he growled a minute later, “don’t you and Eileen have stuff to talk about? You don’t gotta hang around like a damn babysitter.”

If Sam was annoyed by Dean’s tone, he didn’t show it; instead, he just leaned forward, folding his hands in his lap. “We do, but it can wait,” he said calmly. "Besides, you heard her: someone had to go back to the silo and make sure all the Apocalypse-world hunters made it back okay. She said she’d text me when she got there.”

Dean huffed out a sigh. “Yeah, well...Still. You could’ve gone with her, is all I’m sayin’.”

“No. Not until I know you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“Dean, enough.” Sam was frowning now, and there was an edge to his voice that hadn’t been there a moment ago. “You think I don’t know what Cas means to you?” He scoffed and shook his head. “Because if so, I’m sorry, but you’re not as hard to read as you think you are, not for me.”

Dean stopped dead in his tracks, stunned, and as he wilted under Sam’s knowing gaze, the full force of his exhaustion hit him all at once and damn near brought him to his knees. “I can’t lose him,” he heard himself admit in a hoarse whisper. He swallowed and shook his head. “Not again.”

Sam’s expression softened. “I know. We’ll get him back; if Jack can’t save him, we’ll find another way. We always do.”

Dean sighed, then nodded. Sam was right; of course he was. They’d get Cas back even if Dean had to storm into the Empty and grab him himself, grip Cas’s formerly feathered ass and raise him from perdition for a change. Cas, you idiot, what the hell’s the matter with you? he imagined himself demanding. You don’t think you deserve to be saved?

Suddenly, there was a shuffling sound outside, and before Sam could even begin to stand, Dean had bolted across the room and yanked open the door, determined to hear whatever news Jack was bringing them so that he could actually do something instead of just waiting, only...only it wasn’t Jack standing on the other side of the threshold.

Cas gazed back at him as though in a daze, hand raised in an aborted knock; after a beat, he lowered it and cleared his throat. “I—Hello, Dean.” He nodded past Dean toward the interior of the room. “May I come in?”

Dean nodded wordlessly, feet suddenly like lead as he stepped aside so Cas could brush past him. He closed the door and sank down on the edge of the nearest bed as Sam let out an exclamation of relief and stood to pull Cas into a hug.

“It’s good to have you back, man,” Sam said warmly, clapping Cas on the back. As they drew apart, he added, “How’s Jack? Did you have a chance to talk with him?”

Cas nodded, smiling. “I did. He told me everything that’s happened since…” Cas’s smile faltered, and his eyes darted over to land on Dean, who suddenly felt as though his face were on fire. Before Dean could say anything, though, Cas looked away, as though he were the one who’d been burned. “He told me everything,” he said instead. “He also said that he’ll be home as soon as he’s able, once he and Amara have finished remaking Heaven.”

Sam raised a brow, glancing curiously from Cas to Dean and back again; clearly, he’d clearly picked up on the weirdness between them. For a moment, Dean thought he was going to call them out on it and started casting about for something innocuous to say; however, Sam just smiled and nodded. “That’s great, Cas. Thanks for the update. And for saving Dean. If you hadn’t gone with him…” Sam swallowed, a more sober expression settling on his face. He reached out and clasped Cas’s shoulder. “Just...thank you. For everything.”

The genuineness of Sam’s words seemed to catch Cas off guard; then, after a moment, his lips quirked in a timid sort of smile, and he nodded. “Of course.”

Sam beamed at him, then took a step back and gestured toward the door. “Okay, I’m gonna go grab lunch while I wait to hear from Eileen, so I’ll see you guys later.” Then, with a poorly concealed smirk, he looked over at Dean and added, “Text me if I should steer clear of the Bunker for a few days.”

Dean glared daggers at him. Sammy, I swear to our kid who is now God...“How ’bout you just get a move on before I kick your ass? Bitch.”

But Sam just chuckled. “Good luck, jerk,” he replied, fondly; then, with a wave, he turned and headed for the door.

A moment later, he was gone, and the room was unbearably silent. Dean glanced up at Cas to find the latter regarding him almost shyly, as though any words uttered between them would bring the walls crashing down. For his part, Dean would have almost welcomed it. A quick death sounded pretty good right about now; at the very least, it’d absolve him from having to speak.

In the end, it was Cas who cleared his throat and broke the silence. “Jack said you wanted to see me?”

“Uh.” Dean sucked in a shaky breath, then nodded. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.” Then, feeling his face grow warm at Cas’s continued stare, he coughed and looked away. “Cas, have a seat. We, uh, we need to talk.”

He’d expected Cas to sit opposite him, in the chair Sam had vacated; but before he realized what was going on, Cas had crossed over to sit next to him on the edge of the bed, less than a foot of mattress between their thighs. The heat on Dean’s face licked down his neck and back, almost overwhelming him, and if his legs hadn’t suddenly turned to jelly, he probably would have bolted.

Instead, he just blurted out the first thing that came to mind: “So...Jack was able to get you back, huh?” He immediately wanted to kick himself, because of course Jack had been able to get Cas back, that much was obvious. Way to go, dumbass...

Thankfully, Cas just nodded. “He promised the Empty a future of noninterference within Its realm in exchange for my life, and It accepted.”

“Huh.” Dean chewed his tongue thoughtfully. “Sounds like one of us actually made a good deal for a change.”

Cas gave him a tentative smile. “I hope so.” A pause; then: “Dean, I need you to know that I don’t regret my choice, because that’s what it was: my choice; and there’s nothing you could have said or done that would have made me choose differently.” Cas was speaking quickly, urgently, looking at Dean as though afraid Dean would interrupt. “And I also need you to know that I meant every word that I said about how I see you. Now that Chuck is gone, you can finally be happy, and...if it’s possible, I would like to be part of that happiness.” He looked up at Dean sadly, adding, “but if that’s not what you want, if you want me to leave, I promise I understand.”

Dean, who up to this point had only been able to listen in stunned silence, finally managed to unstick his voice. “If that’s not what I...What are you...You think I don’t want you to be a part of it?”

“I...” Cas looked down at his hands. “I’m aware that my connection to Heaven is no longer of particular value, and more than that, I don’t wish the knowledge of what you mean to me to make you uncomfortable.” He smiled sadly. “You don’t owe me anything, Dean; I recognize that. I—”

“Stop,” Dean interrupted, because every word out of Cas’s mouth was landing like a knife in his heart. He reached out and gripped Cas’s shoulder tightly, causing the latter to look up in startled surprise. “Damn it, Cas, stop talking like I’d only want you in my life if you were a goddamn tool I could use. You’re not a hammer, remember? Not mine or anyone else’s.”

Cas’s stunned expression melted into one of soft wonder. He nodded slowly, gazing back at Dean with eyes so earnest and hopeful that Dean had to look away lest he fall right into them. With a nervous swallow, Dean licked his lips and dropped his hand from Cas’s shoulder, determined to keep going now that he’d gotten started. “And..and about me not owing you anything...Cas, I owe you everything.” He made himself meet Cas’s gaze again, because damn it, this was apparently something Cas had doubts on, and Dean needed him to understand. “You pulled me out of Hell, and you helped me and Sam stop the Apocalypse and saved both our asses more times than I can count, and Jack’s alive because of you and so is everyone else in the world. And you think what, that I’m just gonna forget about all that?” he demanded, just barely managing to keep his voice from breaking. He shook his head. “Fuck that, Cas; you’re not disposable.”

Cas, whose expression had become increasingly anguished the longer Dean spoke, now looked dangerously close to tears. “Then what am I, Dean? I...please, I need to know, I need you to tell me, because I don’t...I can’t...”

Everything, Dean thought fiercely; you’re everything. Fuck, he just needed to find some way to actually say it…

Suddenly, a thought occurred to him: maybe, if saying it out loud was too much...He closed his eyes and started praying. Cas?

He felt a slight shift of the mattress as Cas stiffened in attention. “Dean?” he asked, hesitantly.

Yeah. Yeah, I can hear you. Dean kept his eyes closed, responding in his head. Question is, can you hear me?

A beat of silence; then: “Yes. I can hear you.”

Dean let out a steady breath. Okay. Okay, good. ’Cause there’s something I need you know, but...He tried to finish the thought; damn it, he tried, but even like this, he just couldn’t fucking seem to—

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder; his eyes fluttered open to see Cas leaning forward into his space, looking at him with soft understanding. “There’s something you need me to know,” Cas repeated slowly, “but you’re not sure how to say it.”

Dean blinked in surprise. “You...you got that part, too?”

Cas nodded. “The way it works...It’s difficult to explain in human terms. Prayers are something I hear and see and feel, all at once, and they don’t have to be words. They can be feelings or images or—”

“Memories?” Dean sat up straight, an idea forming. “Does it work with memories?”

Cas’s brow furrowed in apparent confusion, but eventually, he nodded. “Yes. If you show them to me.”

Dean didn’t waste another moment—he couldn’t, or he might lose his nerve. He closed his eyes and resumed his prayer. Okay, Cas, listen up...

He was pulling Cas’s trench coat out of the reservoir after the Leviathans had walked Cas into it, and the feeling in his gut...Dean knew it was grief. He’d lost friends before; hell, he’d lost Sam before, but this...this felt different...

But the Leviathans were on the loose, and the wall blocking out Sam’s Hell trauma had crumbled, and Dean didn’t have time to let himself stop and think. He folded the trench coat and stowed it in Baby’s trunk.

Months later, he was talking to Cas in an abandoned hangar the night before they stormed Sucrocorp and went after Dick Roman. Cas was saying he should stay behind, told Dean he wasn’t good luck and would just get in the way, but Dean wasn't having it. He’d done life without Cas, and it had sucked. Now, he knew he’d rather have him, cursed or not, friend or...He’d rather have him.

He only told Cas the first part, though.

Then, after, when he was tearing through Purgatory for over a year, Dean realized it wasn’t that he’d rather have Cas—it was that he couldn’t imagine not having him. He was going to find Cas no matter the cost, wasn’t leaving Purgatory without him. Cas was...he wasn’t something Dean couldn’t stand to lose.

And then Dean lost him anyway.

Dean was back topside, and Cas was still in Purgatory because Dean had failed to save him. The knowledge haunted Dean; he saw Cas everywhere, was sure he was hallucinating...until it turned out he wasn’t. And then he learned that Cas had made the conscious choice to stay behind, because apparently, Dean was something he could stand to lose, and that knowledge hurt in a way Dean didn’t have words for.

So they didn’t talk about it.

Then Dean was kneeling, bloodied, in Lucifer’s crypt, Cas standing over him with his angel blade raised. And Dean didn’t know what was going on, but he knew, he knew, that this wasn’t his Cas. His Cas. The words were loud in his mind, and he was both awed and terrified of how right they felt. He needed Cas, and he told him so...and Cas’s angel blade fell to the floor.

They didn’t talk about that much, either.

Years went by, and now Dean was the one standing over a bloodied, crumpled Cas, the Mark of Cain burning on his arm and Cas’s stolen blade in hand. He needed to hurt Cas, or for Cas to hurt him, to fight back and end the goddamn constant screaming in Dean’s head that was all blood and rage and hate and—Cas’s hand came up to gently clasp Dean’s wrist. “No, Dean...please.” And for a second, just a second, the hate in Dean’s mind was quiet, and in its place, strong, surging, and undeniable, was—

Dean stabbed the book next to Cas’s head and walked away.

Next, he was standing in a barn with his mom and Sam and Crowley, watching in terrified helplessness as Cas writhed in agony on an old couch. Ramiel could come for them at any moment, and yet all Dean could think about was the intensity in Cas’s eyes as Cas told him, told all of them, that he loved them, and fuck, Dean loved him, too, but not the familial sort of love that Cas seemed to be getting at, no. Dean loved him in a raw, real sense that he felt in his bones and that scared him half out of his mind, and he wanted to say it; but then Cas was convulsing, and it was too late…

Then Crowley snapped Ramiel’s spear, and Cas was saved, and Dean told himself that enough was enough, he needed to get his shit together and find some way to tell Cas what he felt before—

He was kneeling, silent, on the shore of a lake. The sky was starless overhead, and Cas was dead on the ground in front of him, wings scorched against the sand. And Dean was aching and empty, hollowed out by grief and regret, because he’d waited too long, and now it was too late…

And then he was dead, or something like it. He was in Death’s library and Billie was showing him the shelf of books with his name on the cover, detailing all the possible ways he could die, and Dean should have felt fear, should have felt fight, but instead, all he felt was finally. He hadn’t been able to save the people he loved, hadn’t been able to save Cas, so what was the point of going back? Sam would be better off without him, would get a shot at the normal life he’d always wanted. Billie could toss Dean in the Empty; he didn’t care anymore. Hell, he wanted it, anything to end all his goddamn regret—

But Billie sent him back anyway, and later that night, Dean’s phone rang.

Cas was back. He was alive and he was back, and fuck, he was so much more than Dean deserved. And Dean told himself that he was okay with that, with not having Cas in the way that he wanted, as long as he had him in some way, shape, or form. But then Jack killed Mary, and Dean...he was so angry and hurt that he lashed out at Cas, said horrible things he didn’t mean but didn’t know how to take back once they were out, and he couldn’t even look at Cas without wanting to scream and break and beg for forgiveness. He watched as Cas left him after they fought, left him like everyone else did, and Dean let him, because he knew now that needing someone wasn’t the same as deserving them.

Then they were back in Purgatory after a botched attempt at securing a Leviathan Blossom. They’d been ambushed, and Dean had been knocked out, had woken up alone with Cas nowhere in sight and limited time to make it back. And Dean knew he still didn’t deserve Cas, but he prayed to him anyway. He told Cas about the hurt and the anger and the helplessness he felt when it took hold of him, and he was sorry, God, he was so fucking sorry…

When he found Cas at the last moment at the base of a tree, he wanted...he needed to tell Cas what he hadn’t had the nerve to say in his prayer, because it was so much more than of course I forgive you; it was please forgive me, I know I don’t fucking deserve you but I want you, I need you, I love you…

But they had to go, because as always, there was never enough fucking time.

And then they were trapped in the Bunker’s interrogation room as Billie pounded on the door. Cas was going to die, and it was Dean’s fault, again it was his fault, because he’d screwed up, because he’d been stupid and angry and that was all he knew how to be—

But then Cas was talking with tears in his eyes, and each word was its own revelation, because Cas was looking at him the way Dean had never in a million years thought to be worthy of. And Dean forgot how to breathe, because suddenly, Cas was saying it, he said it: “I love you…”

And then the Empty took him, and Billie, and Dean was left alone on the floor. He was dimly aware of the way Sam’s name flashed on his phone, but he couldn’t answer, because then he’d have to explain, and…and...

Dean cradled his head in his hands and sobbed. He felt like his entire soul had been lit on fire and that every word he’d ever known had been ripped out of him by the roots, all except for the two he murmured, strangled and broken, into the silence: “Me too...”

Dean gasped and ended the prayer. He opened his eyes and felt tears roll down his cheeks; he hadn’t noticed them forming while he’d been praying, and he was about to reach up to dash them away when he saw that Cas’s face was wet with tears of his own; he looked more wrecked than Dean had ever seen him, and the hand he’d kept on Dean’s shoulder throughout the prayer had started to tremble. “Dean, I—”

“Look,” Dean said shakily, because if he didn’t say this now, he didn’t know if he ever could. “I...I know you said happiness isn't really in the having and all that, but...well, I think maybe it is. For me, anyway. Because Cas, if there’s one thing I’ve learned after all the crap we’ve been through, it’s that my life ain’t happy if it doesn’t have you in it.” He swallowed a lump in his throat and pushed on: “You said you thought you couldn’t have me, but the thing is, you’ve had me for years. And I just...I need you to hear me, I need you to know…” He almost stopped then, almost couldn’t go on, because the look of absolute love in Cas’s eyes was overwhelming, and Dean could no more deny it than he could give up breathing. He raised his hand, placed it firmly on top of the one on his shoulder, and squeezed. “You changed me too, Cas.”

Then Cas was kissing him, and Dean let out a muffled sob of relief as he felt Cas’s hands wrap around his middle and pull them flush against one another. His grip was hot and desperate on Dean’s back, and the way his mouth moved against Dean’s made Dean feel as though he were going to burst into millions of joyous pieces. He tangled his hands in Cas’s hair and kissed him hard, tugging him backward until Cas was straddling him on the mattress, his solid, unyielding weight a blissful, dizzying contrast to the lightness Dean felt in his mind as Cas’s tongue slid surely over his own, ravishing and reverent and real. They were real, and they always had been.

And Dean would never, ever doubt that again.

[outworldgay]

sonya blade Birth

Cw for implied mention of abortion*.

32. Birth

To say Sonya struggled with her maternal instinct would be an understatement. She never pictured herself becoming a mother, so when push came to shove, pregnancy just became another challenge she refused to take the easy way out on. Johnny didn't necessarily not want to be a father, but he also understood he didn't have a say on the matter. This made it a pleasant, albeit confusing, surprise for him when Sonya refused his financial help in that regard. Sonya Blade wasn't going down without a fight.

The delivery room was too quiet for anyone's liking considering what was moments away from unfolding. Johnny held onto the railing of the hospital bed, paying all too much attention to his distance from Sonya's hand. Sonya's eyes never left the now enormous bump of her stomach, her hands gripped tightly on the railing as if to avoid touching her own stomach.

As Sonya's grip noticably tightened on the railing, Johnny began to wave down a doctor to tend to them. Before he could however, he noticed the look on Sonya's face; not one of pain, but of fear. The deep breathing characteristic of going into to labor was also absent, instead replaced with a quivering chest as she struggled to steadily inhale and exhale from her nose. Johnny wanted to tell her that everything would be okay, that they'll get through this together, that he'll be here for her no matter what. The reality of the situation however, was that he wasn't even sure if the thought of him being around would even be a comforting one for Sonya.

Sonya looked up at ceiling of the hospital room, as if the buzzing lights had an answer to what happens next. She wasn't ready for this; but then again when was she ever ready for the challenges life has thrown at her? That's all this was after all; just another bump for Sonya Blade to leap. "Giving birth" might as well have been beating up another Kano; at least that's what she told herself.

For some reason comparing her unborn child to Kano wasn't as comforting as she thought it would be.

And what about after? She thought to herself. What if pushing the baby out of you was the easy part?

She could feel herself sinking into the bed as the reality of the situation became harder to ignore. She was bringing a baby into this world; a baby for her to mother. What did she know about motherhood? What did she know about babies? How was she supposed to single handedly raise an entire human being?

As the thoughts circled her head, she felt a hand envelop the one gripped to the railing, pulling her from her anxiety ridden trance. She looked up at Johnny, bewildered by his gesture. Before he could loosen his grip and apologize, Sonya placed her other hand over his, keeping him in place. Neither of them spoke a word, but her pleading eyes told him enough. Sonya wasn't sure if Johnny loved her or if she even liked him for that matter, but what she was sure of was that he cared, and that was all Sonya could ask for right now.

Whatever happens after bringing this child into the world; whatever uncertainties parenthood would bring, right now she can at least be sure that she doesn't have to do this alone.

*Disclaimer: this work does NOT entirely reflect the author's views on abortion. It is a perfectly viable option and should never be shamed as an "easy way out"

[iamtrebleclefstories]

Everyday I Love You More - Ch. 3

Ch. 3 - CONFESSIONS

After having drunk sex, Jo and Alex are having a baby. An actual baby. Here’s how everyone finds out.

-Sequel to I’m Happy Right Here with You-

Awkward encounters and surprise confessions

About a week had gone by and Jo and Alex were finally able to fit time into their schedules to go get an ultrasound. They were down in OB waiting for the doctor to arrive. Alex was getting impatient and began to tinker with the ultrasound machine, “Why are we sitting around waiting for the OB? We are both doctors. I could do the ultrasound. Do you know how many pregnancies I’ve been brought on as a peds surgeon?”

Jo sat up on the exam table and reached out to slap Alex on the arm, “Sit down. Just because we both know how to perform an ultrasound doesn’t mean we have to. Can you not like the doctor, but the father for ten minutes? We’re the patients this time.”

“Yeah and I don’t have the patience to wait around for the OB to—”

“Good morning, I’m Dr. Fields and I will be performing your ultrasound today,” the doctor, who had been looking down at the chart finally lifted her head to look at the patients.

Alex felt his jaw drop in disbelief as he stared at the woman in front of them, “Lucy?”

Lucy’s eyebrows shot up, “Alex? What are you doing here?”

“I should be asking you that,” he scoffed. “Aren’t you supposed to be with the Namboze clinic?”

“Yeah I am,” Lucy nodded. “I’m just no longer needed there full time. I’ve trained many midwives and OBs to do what I would normally do, so now I just go back every few months for training. I just started back here two weeks ago.”

“Huh,” Alex nodded. “Well, good for you.”

“Thanks,” Lucy cleared her throat. “Anyway, so what brings you to my floor?”

Alex looked over at Jo who had an amused expression on her face. He had a feeling he was going to have some explaining to do later. He let out a short laugh, “Um… my girlfriend is pregnant.”

“Oh wow. Congratulations you two,” Lucy stretched her hand out to Jo. “I’m Lucy Fields, Maternal-Fetal surgeon and your OB.”

“Jo Wilson,” Jo exchanged a look with Alex before shaking the other woman’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“So, I see that you are here for your first ultrasound?” Lucy asked.

“Yes,” Jo confirmed. “We’ve been meaning to come in, but today was the first day that neither of us had a surgery.”

“Trust me, I understand. You spend years delivering babies, but you’re so busy bringing other people’s babies into the world, you forget to have your own,” Lucy shared as she instructed do to scoot to the edge of the exam table. “So, were you guys trying?”

“Definitely not," Jo chuckled.

"Yeah, this kid was a happy little accident,” Alex added sheepishly.

“The best things in life are," Lucy smiled as she finally was able to locate the fetus. She turned the monitor and pointed to a spot on the screen. “Here is your baby. I’d say you are about nine weeks along, judging from how it’s measuring. That means we should be able to hear the heartbeat.”

Lucy clicked some buttons and adjusted the ultrasound probe until they finally found what they had been looking for. Alex had been present for dozens of fetal ultrasounds in his career and had heard the fetal heartbeat countless times, but somehow, hearing this baby’s heartbeat—his and Jo's baby’s heartbeat—he had never experienced anything more beautiful. He felt his heart swell and his eyes grow teary as he squeezed Jo’s hand lightly.

Jo felt her breath catch in her throat as she heard the rapid rush of the baby’s blood pumping through its tiny body. She let out a soft sigh as happy tears began to trickle down her face. She felt Alex squeeze her hand and looked up to see that his eyes were glassy. He bent down and pressed a light kiss on her forehead as she closed her eyes and reveled at the sound of her baby’s heart.

“The baby looks great as of right now. The heartrate is well within normal limits and there don’t seem to be concerning images on the ultrasound. I am very hopeful that this pregnancy will go smoothly,” after another minute or two, Lucy shut off the monitor. “As far as prenatal care goes, you are both doctors so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you. Now Jo, it says in your medical file that this isn’t your first pregnancy. Is that correct? Have you been through this process before?”

Jo froze. She hadn’t even thought about how the OB would bring up medical history and previous pregnancies during her appointment. The secrets she had so desperately kept under wraps were slowly about to unravel and she supposed it was best to come clean with Alex about some of the darker points of her past now rather than later. She took a deep breath and sat up, “That is correct. This is not my first pregnancy. However, I haven’t been through this process before. I did not carry to term the first time around.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Lucy apologized. “I didn’t mean to bring up anything painful, but I do need to know as many details as possible regarding your medical history if I am going to make sure we keep this baby inside of you for as long as possible.”

“Of course,” Jo nodded. She glanced at Alex, who sported a perplexed, but comforting expression on his face. Feeling secure enough to share her story for the first time, she looked Alex in the eyes as she confessed, “I had abortion five years, at the age of twenty-two. I had been in an abusive relationship for a few years and a few days after I found out about my pregnancy, my husband beat me so bad that I ended up in the hospital. It was then, when I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, because I knew that there was no world where my child would be safe, or win. The kid would lose in every scenario because my husband was influential and charming and manipulative. He was everything that I wasn’t and had everything that I could’ve ever hoped for. So, I had an abortion. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, and God knows, I’ve had hard life.”

Alex’s jawed locked and his eyes were painted in sadness. He looked angry. But Jo knew that anger was not directed at her. That anger had never been directed at her. Even when she almost killed Jason, he was never angry at her. He was angry that she had been put in a position where she’d had to defend herself to that extent. Jo could tell that he wasn’t angry at her. Alex was angry at Paul—the husband she had never mentioned out of fear that just saying his name would cause him to come looking for her. Alex was angry at the circumstances she’d lived through prior to moving to Seattle.

Lucy placed a hand on Jo’s knee and nodded at her with sympathy, “You are an incredibly strong woman and you made a difficult decision regarding the wellbeing of yourself and your unborn child. That is how I will know that you will be a great mother to this baby. I meet moms every day. Some are going to be decent mothers, maybe even good ones. But very few of the women I meet will be great. You are one those. Now, abortion does not put you at a higher risk for miscarriage, but I will still like to monitor you closely every few weeks, just to be sure that termination complications such as scarring, are not present.”

“Thank you,” Jo replied.

“It’s no problem,” Lucy assured. She reached up to the ultrasound machine and pressed the print button, “Here is an image of your baby. I will leave you two alone to get ready. Make sure you go up to the nurse’s desk to make an appointment for your twelve-week ultrasound.”

With Lucy gone, Jo finally released a sob she had been trying so hard to contain. Alex wrapped her in his embrace and held her as she cried quietly into his chest. He rubbed circles on her back and sighed, “Oh, Jo. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’ve never told anyone. Not even Ms. Schmidt. She knew about Paul and how I left and changed my name, but I never told her everything else. That’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud,” Jo sniffed.

“Wait, you changed your name?” Alex asked.

“Yeah,” Jo nodded. “I was Brooke for the majority of my life. I got married at 19 to one of my professors. He was kind and charming, and I was a naïve street kid who wanted someone to love me, so I fell for everything he said. And when he started hitting me, I would make excuses for him and remember how generous he’d been to me and I felt bad for thinking about leaving. I thought I deserved it. He was so convincing. But then one day, I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared because for months I had been saving money to leave him. The baby was going to put a pin in those plans, but another part of me hoped that maybe this was what we needed in order to be okay. Maybe he would change if I had the baby. Two days later, I was in the hospital after getting beaten so bad that he bruised my kidney. That’s when I realized that a baby wouldn’t change anything. He’d always be a monster and I wasn’t going to let my kid have a monster for a father or grow up to be a monster themselves. I had an abortion and cried then entire time. Then I packed my bags and ran away. I changed my name to Jo Wilson, I moved back to Boston to go to Harvard, and I never looked back.”

“You didn’t divorce him,” Asked furrowed his brow.

“No,” Jo shook her head. “I want to. But I never could because I’ve always been alone and if I try to divorce him, he will find me and he will kill me. I could disappear and no would notice I’m scared every minute of every day that he’s going to show up and destroy the life I’ve made for myself. But I don’t want to live like that anymore. We’re having a baby and I want to know that our baby is going to be safe from him.”

“Jo, you aren’t alone anymore,” Alex brought her impossibly closer. “You haven’t been alone for a long time. I love you. And there are so many others that love you, too. I’d go down fighting for you, you know that right? If you want to divorce him, I will be here with you. You won’t be alone. You won’t be vulnerable. We can take out a restraining order if he tries anything. I can make sure he doesn’t step one foot into this hospital.”

“I want to get a divorce,” Jo confessed. “I don’t want to think of what could’ve happened if I’d been a little more brave. I don’t want to be tied to him. I want to be free. Free to live my life and be with you and not have to worry about our baby’s safety.”

“Okay,” Alex nodded. “Then we will get a great attorney who specializes in domestic violence cases like these and you will get the divorce.”

“Okay. It’s all going to be okay,” Jo exhaled and slumped down back onto the exam table for a moment before standing up. “Can you pass me my pants?”

Alex gave her a small half-smile and handed her, her scrub pants, “Here. Get dressed and we can go get some breakfast in the cafeteria.”

Jo put her clothes on and stood up, ready to go. She grabbed Alex’s hand and cracked the door open, checking to see if the coast was clear. Not seeing anyone they knew, the both hurried out of the OB exam room and entered the elevator. Trying to lighten the atmosphere, Jo decided to ask the question that had been on her mind for the past half hour, “So… you and Lucy?

“I knew you were going to bring that up,” Alex sighed. “You remember the girlfriend I told you about that stole my job?”

“That was her?” Jo raised her eyebrows. “She seems so nice, though. And normal. Kind of different from your string of crazy chicks, myself included.”

“That’s what I thought,” Alex shrugged. “And you’re not crazy, trust me. Rebecca was crazy, Izzie was sick… and kind of crazy if we’re being honest, Lexie went crazy for a minute there after the shooting, you are not crazy. You might be a little screwed up, but so am I and that’s why we we work.”

“Gee, thanks,” Jo followed Alex out the elevator. “Well, you don’t have to worry about me stealing your job. I’m just a resident so I don’t think they’d choose me over you. At least not for a few more years.”

Alex chuckled, “I’m sure that once you become an attending, everyone will choose you over me.”

“Well, can you blame them? I’m much nicer than you,” Jo grinned.

“Shut up.”

“You see?” Jo motioned at him. “Case and point.”

“Whatever, just give me the ultrasound picture. I’m gonna put it on the fridge when we get home since Cristina already knows,” Alex smiled.

“This kid already has you wrapped around their little finger. We know who softie is going to be,” Jo teased.

[pseudoneiiric]

meta post: lili and her gender

let me go on the record to say that i fucking love lilian eyler with my whole heart, like, i typed all this out and im so fucking emotional about her! in the past, i've written things about hello charlotte and how the lgbt representation is... lacking, let's call it, and i've also made a few headcanon posts here and there about lilian's transition and her relationship with gender. so i thought, you know, let's actually write a whole ass thing about it. so here it is.

content warnings: gender dysphoria, suicide attempts, homophobia/transphobia in the original source material

PART 1: ETHERANE'S BAD TAKES so... etherane did not handle lgbt stuff well, like, in the slightest. lili is canonically genderfluid, as seen in one of those little profile things that etherane drew that doesn't actually show up in any of the games. but her genderfluid identity isn't handled well at all in the actual source material. actually, in general, hello charlotte is pretty transphobic. to cite one example, there’s this journal entry in hello charlotte 3 talking about “defective” charlotte vessels, and one of the things that can make a charlotte vessel “defective” is for them to be born amab or intersex. this already has some really bad vibes, but then we remember also that one of the big functions of charlottes is apparently for them to be sexualized (yikes!!!!!) and so we also get this weird kind of like, “trans people aren’t hot” kind of take?

but anyway. when it comes to lilian specifically, she never actually states in canon that she’s genderfluid or otherwise trans, not even in the spinoff visual novel, which, by the way, would have been the perfect place to address her gender identity, and she consistently uses he/him pronouns. we don’t actually get to see any of her thought processes about her gender at all — like at this point, i can’t even say it’s a non-issue because that would imply that they even mentioned her gender in canon. the only time we can potentially extrapolate from canon that lili might not be cis is when anri mentions that charlotte is lili’s self-insert oc. that’s kind of heavy-handed with the whole “charlotte being the female name for charles”, but that’s another matter. the point is, with the lack of any canon basis that lilian’s even vaguely questioned her gender, the reveal that she’s actually genderfluid with like, two pieces of artwork that are detached from the actual game feels very pxrfxrmxtxvxly xnclxsxvx (performatively inclusive) especially considering how.... etherane talked about lilian’s gender in particular within the actual canon material.

after all, the story behind lilian is effectively that, after she was born, her mother was forced to abort her second child, a daughter that she would name scarlett. doing so plunged her into a really deep depression that eventually took on delusional qualities. so ever since lilian was about three years old, her mother has been referring to her exclusively as scarlett, asking her to ‘ be a good girl ’ and similarly raising her as a girl. we can see here that etherane seems to have implied that genderfluidity is something that happens because other people make it so, and isn’t an identity and lived experience. (bad take!) although, albeit unintentionally, i think etherane did lay some groundwork to talk about lilian’s relationship with her gender, specifically with regards to her projection onto her oc, charlotte. in high school, when she’s more active on the internet, we see that she’s going by charlotte and using she/her pronouns. anri, her irl friend, is pretty openly critical of that, but she sort of brushes off anri’s complaints and continues to present as feminine online. now, there’s this fanfic writer who goes by the pseudonym “c”, and lilian very quickly takes an interest in him. the way she talks to c, who doesn’t know her irl, compared anri, who does, is just like flat-out like they’re completely different people.

compare, her with c:

to her with anri:

i also wanted to mention that lili does occasionally act more “femininely” with anri, but it’s never to the extent that she does with c, and in general, affectionate banter is sort of... outright ridiculed in their friendship both ways. see this one exchange:

anri: >:) always up for some roasting lili: right? <3 <3 anri: now you’re the one being gross

unrelated but it fucking kills me that anri was like “ily <3” and lili went “gross” so she went “kys” and lili deadass goes “that’s better” like that’s what anri is referencing when she says “now you’re the one being gross” and im like... please just be healthy friends who don’t wish death on each other???

it’s also worth noting that c doesn’t know that she’s not “actually” a girl, and literally when they meet, she goes like, “it’s you who should be disappointed in me. charlotte turned out to be charles, whoops! i bet you were hoping that i’d be a cute girl.” and that’s... really depressing, like, she ended up really leaning into that cutesy side of her when she was talking to c and now she feels the need to be a lot more... sarcastic and bitter, like how she is with anri, because now c “knows the truth about her”, that she’s “actually been a guy all along”.

in any case, i think the intent that etherane was going for with this was kind of like... “lilian’s actually a repressed cis gay man!” which is . not great. it gives off this really gross vibes where it’s implied that since lili was raised as a girl and is into men, she got “confused” and started going by she/her online because she couldn’t come to terms with her sexuality or whatever. and that’s just such a bad take!!!

not to mention that a really important part of lili’s backstory is... her germaphobia. she has persistent delusions accompanied by visual hallucinations where she sees people as “parasites”, which visually manifests as them rotting or decomposing. because of that, she wears gloves all the time and is repulsed by physical touch. but when she meets c (whose real name is vincent) in person, she pretty much instantly goes for skin-to-skin contact with him, where she takes off her glove and holds his hand. and like, sure, that’s sweet, but that’s really not how mental illness... works. in the slightest. she doesn’t react at all when his hand touches hers, despite the fact that she has literally had panic attacks in canon from touching things without her gloves. and it gives off this implication that mental illness can be cured with romance somehow, and that’s a really bad take!

this feeds into fandom understanding that like, well, if lilian sees vincent as pure and allows him to touch her, then Obviously she’d let him kiss her, they could probably have sex, etc. and like... she’s canonically asexual though! and that brings us to the other implication, that asexuality is somehow... caused by something. like, there’s nothing in canon to state that lilian experiences sexual attraction (or even really romantic attraction, like i know etherane went off in heaven’s gate and did a lot of ship tease, but she never really outright says she’s crushing on anyone), but judging from the way etherane handled lilian’s gender identity, i have a sneaking suspicion that she established lilian’s asexuality with her mental illnesses specifically in mind. lilian’s autistic, germaphobic, has severe ocd, and she’s been sexually assaulted in the past. therefore, she must be asexual! that’s the sort of vibes i get from the game, and im not here for it. similarly to how her genderfluidity was handled, she makes no actual statement in canon that she doesn’t experience sexual attraction. the closest she’s ever come to this is when she says to anri in heaven’s gate that she is just straight up not interested in kissing (to which anri is like, “well what if it were vincent owo??” which. ugh. anyway). it just seems really strange to me to design a character with severe mental health issues with regards to physical touch and then just sort of treat it as a given that she’s asexual. it’s another example of etherane implying that lgbt identities are results of traumatic experiences or symptoms of mental illness and not an identity or lived experience. you can be sex-repulsed and not be asexual, and while i understand that many people do identify as ace due to trauma and other such things, it still feels like really bad rep when taken with the way lilian’s genderfluidity was portrayed.

PART 2: HOW “CHARLES” IS DIFFERENT FROM “LILIAN”

throughout hello charlotte, lilian identifies herself as a passive observer, someone who doesn’t directly interfere in events. this applies mostly to her existence in false realm, where she’s like... a god, and doesn’t want to interfere in the balance of the world. but i believe she also has always seen herself as an observer. in her very first scene, the one where she and anri are watching someone get bullied, she’s the one who tells anri that there’s no point in getting help. because her role is just to observe. to take pictures for anri, to be a good girl, to say yes to everything and to never express her opinions, feelings, thoughts.

and honestly, i think the main reason for that is that she’s dysphoric. whenever she talks about herself, she’s really self-deprecating, especially compared to when she talks about charlotte. i feel like the main reason why lilian detaches herself from the world and refuses to really perceive herself is because she’s fundamentally disgusted with her gender presentation. and like, we can see in the two times that she’s presented femininely (with c and in that one comic) that lili is just so much happier and more bubbly when she’s presenting as feminine. you can literally see her stop dissociating and becoming more present in the moment because she’s just. so much more comfortable in her skin. compare:

these pictures with this one:

it’s funny i was going to say that there is a picture where she’s presenting as masculine and actually smiles like a person, but guess what! she’s texting c! so she’s actually performing femininity!

but the point is, like... when she’s presenting as masculine, especially in the canon pictures rather than etherane’s art, she just doesn’t look... happy. and then we compare that to how much more present she seems when she’s presenting as feminine, and how much more comfortable she seems in being, like, happy! and cute! but there is a downside to this. and that is...

PART 3: DIFFICULTIES IN LILI’S TRANSITION

in my sort of... “main verse” for lili, i have it so that her suicide attempt failed and that she was somehow... saved from drowning. mother passes away and she starts to... soul search a little bit and find a reason to live, and somewhere along the line she starts to transition socially. that means she starts transitioning at a pretty... extremely vulnerable point in her life. in the year between 18-19 years old, she’d be a wreck. she’s growing her hair out, but she feels insecure about it. she starts to wear skirts, but only at home. she buys makeup and never wears it. it’s a long process for her, because it’s one thing to go by she/her online or to claim she’s just a gender-confused gay boy and a completely different thing to come out as a trans woman and to actually see herself as a woman and not some kind of imposter. considering that she was raised as a girl, she would have a large amount of guilt over transitioning, feeling like she’s going to be seen as confused, or that her gender identity is a direct result of her childhood trauma. but she’s not just worried that others will see her that way: she’s worried that she’s going to see herself that way.

and for a long time, she probably does see herself that way. for a long time, scarlett would probably treat her transition as some kind of attempt to personify her unborn sister and comply with perceived expectations rather than an attempt to feel comfortable in her own skin. she’d get nervous that she’s somehow becoming scarlett, because though she’s always thought it would be easier if she’d just been her sister, she’s never really wanted to be scarlett. she’d be scared to wear mid-length skirts, scared to put her hair up in a bun, probably even scared to wear red for a time, all because she’s scared of somehow losing herself and becoming her alter.

because of her caution and concern with identifying as a trans woman and not as the “safer“ gender identity of genderfluidity (where she can say she’s trans but never actually have to “push boundaries” by wearing feminine clothing or using any pronouns besides he/him), it would likely take her a very long time to take the step to medically transition. she’d likely never get any gender affirmation surgeries just because of how invasive the procedure is, but hormones would probably be something she’d look into once she’s much older and has a more stable income.

i mentioned before that before her transition, she uses dissociation and observation as a way to cope with her gender dysphoria. she saw herself as someone who didn’t really participate in the world, was a class ghost, invisible to everyone and a minuscule part of a vast universe. but upon transitioning, she’d feel much more actively self-conscious. once she starts to present in a feminine way, she’d feel like she’s being seen, like she’s actually participating in the world, and that’s both a blessing and a curse.

she’d be much more prone to stammering, especially when saying her name, and would blush far more often. she’d be afraid of saying the wrong thing or messing up somehow. and on top of that, she’d likely feel predatory for talking to others, always wondering if others find her cute or repulsive, always wondering if someone will perceive her and harm her in some way.

she’d very likely also feel really guilty about her own emotional experience. because she’s so used to being a passive observer, a puppet that only does what others want, she would feel like it’s selfish to be just... content. she’s so actively disgusted with herself before she transitions that she’s never allowed herself to be mentally present for a happy moment in her entire life. she always second-guesses, always dismisses positive things as a mere coincidence, and after she transitions, when she starts being more present in her life, she’d feel so guilty for just allowing herself to be happy.

because of that, she has some trouble with presenting as feminine consistently — she’d vary the “level” of her feminine presentation from day-to-day, where she might go full femme one day and another day stick with a beanie and a pair of slacks. she’s much more comfortable with presenting as more traditionally feminine when she’s at home or with trusted friends in a private space, but around 19 years old, she makes a vested effort to remain in public spaces. she’d time herself, saying, “for one hour, i’ll stay in this café while wearing a skirt, and then i can leave,” and she’d gradually increase the amount of time she spends in public spaces. and eventually, eventually she does end up feeling really comfortable with her gender presentation and falls into a more static sense of style. she really likes clothing design, so she ends up wearing a lot more dynamic outfits when she’s more comfortable with herself, and she probably also mildly gets into cosplay.

i also like to think that she reconnects with anri during her young adult years. either it’s like, right after her suicide attempt (i’ve written before that she’d had anri listed as her emergency contact and forgot to change it when she moved), or it’s at some point after she starts transitioning socially. i think it’d be really sweet for them to be friends in a more real way, and the sheer concept of anri teaching lili how to properly apply makeup and to set her hair is just so fucking sweet i might die. they both deserve to have friends so i think this is just a step up from hello charlotte canon.

[volturiwolf]

The Volturi Princess - A Felix Volturi x fem!Reader Story (part 2)

No of Words: 5182

Mentions of: Abandonment, Abortion, Anxiety, Blood, Bruises, Coma/Comatosed State, Death Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Physical Pain, Gaslighting, Greece/Greek Language - with translation, Heartbreak, Italian Language - with translation, Manipulation, Murder, Pain, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Suffering, Suicide/Suicidal Thoughts, Swear Language, Throwing Up/Puking, Witches/Wizards/Witchcraft

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part 1

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Felix’s POV:

My days in the castle were becoming more and miserable by the minute. I couldn’t stop thinking about (Y/N), she was always on my mind. When there was a mission, I would make myself forget her for a while and would focus on my job. But in times like this, when there was nothing to do in particular, I would stay in my room for hours and hours, and just wouldn’t think about anything else, but her.

It must have been about two decades or so that she left Volterra to “explore the world”, as she said. Time is pretty subjective when you’re supposed to live forever. Yet, I was mentally counting every moment she was away. I was taking mental notes of everything that was going around here, every prank Demetri and I would pull off to annoy either Jane or each other, every important event or mission we were sent to, so I could tell (Y/N) later. I smiled at the thought of her laughing along with me, and then my smile dropped when I realized she may never even come back.

Why would she? Living with the Volturi - with Aro - controlling her life, how she should have looked like, how she was expected to act in every different situation, and, on top of that, pushing her to her physical and mental limits to declare any gift besides strength, speed and tracking must have been exhausting for her. All these years.. All these years of emotional isolation must have affected her greatly.

Aro had never been the most affectionate person I’ve met. When the twins joined the Volturi, and then the Guard, he focused on them exclusively, training and mentoring them every day to develop their gifts. (Y/N) was pushed aside, a lost cause; she would never be the powerful vampire/weapon Aro hoped he acquired all these centuries ago.

He hoped that she would manage to declare a power similar to her mother - an exceptional mind-reader (and shield, as we found out centuries later) or even a new and unique power, given her father’s lineage. (Y/N) never expressed anything “unique” for Aro’s standards, but to me, she was just perfect. We were equally strong and fast - maybe she was even stronger and faster than me, and she was also an incredible tracker, like Demetri, though he could track anyone he has ever met, just by hearing their conscience.

And now, she is gone. She had left me. I caught myself quite a few times thinking what would our lives be like, had I told her how I felt - and still feel - about her. I am pretty sure that she was feeling the same, that she felt our bond, our connection. But, just like her, I never came forward; I was never true to myself, or her; I never told her that I would dedicate my immortal life to her if that meant that she would stay here with me.

And now, I pay for it. I've been drowning in misery and pain. Not physical pain, I could handle physical pain by now. Even Jane’s induced pain was nothing compared to the kind of pain I’ve been feeling ever since (Y/N) left. I felt as if I were a mortal and my heart was ripped out of my body and stepped on. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe, though I didn’t actually need to breathe.

Demetri must have heard my sharp gasps for air, as my door opened widely, a terrified Demetri standing under the framework. He stared at my unwell state, and rushed to me, hugging me tightly. I left a few sobs and felt tears that couldn’t come. Demetri did not say a word for a few minutes, stroking my hair with his left hand and holding me with his right one. I held onto him as if I was holding on for dear life.

My mind was just blurry and I couldn’t think straight. Was that what it felt like, being away from your mate? I missed her dearly. All these years, I never told anyone other than Demetri about (Y/N) possibly being my mate, although I think Marcus would probably know already.

As my sobs started coming to an end, I was able to finally take deep breaths, and focus my mind on a particular spot on the floor to calm myself. Demetri cupped my face with his hands, trying to calm me down by saying a few comforting words. To outsiders, this scene may have looked strange, if not weird, but Demetri and I, being best friends for almost one millennium, had that kind of intimacy, and we both liked how open we could be to each other.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them slowly, feeling a bit calmer than I did 10 minutes ago. I needed to feel each moment of my pain; I needed to feel again what it’s like being apart from the only person I ever loved; I needed to remember every moment I was close to her, and then wasn’t.

“Are you feeling better now?” Dem asked calmly, still holding my face. I nodded slightly, and he let his hands fall on his lap. “Were you thinking about (Y/N) again?” I nodded again. I nodded again.

He frequently caught me thinking absentmindedly, or even sobbing slightly, but never a full-on breakdown. He took my quite big hands in his smaller ones, patting them condescendingly. I didn’t want to be pitied by others, but Dem never made fun of me for hurting, never made me feel less of the “evil executioner” I was known to be.

“I don’t know what it feels like, being separated from your mate, so I won’t tell you how to feel or act about it. I just want you to know that you can come to me if you feel down. It pains me to see you hurting, though I understand that her very absence has affected you greatly. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, and I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. You may not see it, but Alec, even Jane, worries about you and want you to be happy. We will all do whatever it takes to see you happy again, even if that means running after (Y/N)..”

My head jolted. I asked him if he was serious. “I’m not lying or joking, Felix. If we have to go after her and bring her back to you, we’ll do it. You’re our friend and we’re your friends. That’s what friends do.”

I couldn’t believe it! There was a chance that (Y/N) was still out there, and my friends were willing to help me find her. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, the Witch Twins felt like true friends to me, and as long as I had them and Demetri, I think I could do anything in this world.

Now, we just had to talk to the twins, and see what they thought of it. I don’t know if we were even allowed to drop off all the missions and duties we had here and go search for (Y/N). I know we had to take the kings’ permission before we could do anything, and I was worried and kind of terrified with the idea of them knowing (Y/N) and I were mates, and how badly in love I was with her.

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Demetri’s POV:

It was just another day in the Volterra castle. I was wandering around, having finished my duties for the day, probably for the week as well - it all depended on the Masters’ or the Twins’ mood for a “sudden, important mission” popping up in my schedule.

I wasn’t the type of person to spend their free time in the library, like the Twins, or in my room, like Felix. I vaguely remember my human life. My family was a typical middle-class Athenian family, and we were lucky enough to own a decent piece of land for cultivation. I would spend hours working on the fields, planning possible expansions and new techniques for richer crops.

I smiled slightly at the memory; that’s basically what I mostly remembered from my mortal life before Amun found me and turned me into what I am today. Before I traveled to Egypt to live with the Egyptian coven. Before Aro found me and converted me to his coven. I didn’t know how he managed to convert me then until I found out about Chelsea’s gift.

But even then, I never actually felt the need to leave the Volturi. I had a good life here; I had great friends; easy access to human blood, thanks to Heidi; I had it easy for the price I paid serving the three Volturi kings.

My train of thought was cut short when I heard quiet sobs. I wasn’t regarded as the best tracker for nothing; based on the volume of the sobs, the surrounding atmosphere, and the tone of the voice coming out, I could easily detect that it was Felix, sobbing in his room.

I run quickly, not caring about anyone walking through the corridors. I reached his door and opened it widely, not caring to wait for a response. I saw Felix sobbing on his bed, his eyes tearless but still desperate, trying to gasp for air, although we don’t really need to breathe. I rushed to his side, hugging him tightly, letting his sobs shake through my body.

I didn’t say a thing for some time, stroking his hair with one hand and holding him with my other, trying to find the right thing to say to calm him down. He held on to me for dear life, and I felt as if he was, once again, upset for (Y/N). His sobs started slowing down and he started taking a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Without thinking, I cupped his face, telling him a few comforting words, watching him close his eyes, and taking one deep breath.

“Are you feeling better now?” I asked him calmly, and I felt myself getting calmer as he nods slightly. I let my hands fall on my lap and asked him what I’ve been thinking about all this time. “Were you thinking about (Y/N) again?” Felix nodded, confirming my suspicions.

I caught him plenty of times not being himself - his cautious, meticulous, present self; the one who was always concentrated and focused on the present. He sobbed often these days, but never a full-on breakdown. This had me worried. I took his hands in mine and patted them, showing him that I understood what he was going through, although I, myself, never found my mate. I told him so, that I didn’t know what it was like for him to be away from his mate, but also that I would never disregard how and what he felt.

I just didn’t want him to hurt; I wanted him to know that I’ll always be there for him, whenever he needed me. And, though he may not actually believe it, Alec and Jane were also worried about him. He may have not noticed it, but I wasn’t the only one who saw that he was in pain.

Alec and Jane also saw that Felix was not his confident, straightforward self anymore, so I told them once what I suspected all along. That the absence of (Y/N) affected him way more than it affected Jane, who was (Y/N)’s best girlfriend, or even Heidi, Chelsea, and Corin, even Renata, who spent most of her time on Aro’s side, being his main bodyguard.

Without thinking clearly, I suggested that we could all go after (Y/N), find her, and bring her back to Felix. His head jolted, and looked at me in disbelief, not being sure if I was serious. I told him I was, and, at this moment, his whole demeanor changed. It was probably the first time after such a long time that I’ve seen him actually smiling, and my undead soul felt at peace at last. We now only had to inform the twins, and, probably, anyone else willing to help.

My only worry was the kings, especially Aro; he probably didn’t know about (Y/N) and Felix’s mate bond, and I don’t even know what he’ll think of it when he finds out. Now, I had other things to worry about; how to get the Twins to come with us and bring (Y/N) back to Volterra.

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“We’re in.” Jane declared decisively, Alec agreed along with a nod, standing close to his twin.

“Are you both sure about that? We don’t know if the kings will allow us to go find her. Heck, I don’t even know if I could track her. I could never track (Y/N)’s mind, like ever. We may be wandering in vain, searching for her in places she’s never been. It may take a lot of time if we ever find her.”

I wanted to be honest with them about the worst-case scenario, feeling Felix slightly squirm nearby. I turned around to face the giant. His face was a mix of pain and anger, his eyes a dark burgundy, almost black from not feeding the past few weeks. This reminded me to get him to hunt soon, whether we left Volterra or not. I turned back to the twins.

“Demetri. You know that (Y/N) is our friend, too. Alec and I would do anything to bring her back.” Jane then turned to Felix. “Whatever happens, we will all stand by your side.” Felix mumbled a small “thank you”, so quiet that only us four could barely hear, still looking down, at the floor.

“We have to go and tell them.” I announced, gulping my non-existent saliva. They all knew I was referring to the three kings, and we all knew the possibility of being denied to leave on this mission of ours.

“Let me handle this. You know they cannot deny me anything.” Jane stated and led the way towards the throne room, full of confidence and reassurance.

It was true after all that Jane and Alec, being the kings’ favourite guards, were not denied anything. (Y/N) enjoyed such privileges as well, being the continuation of Aro’s bloodline, possibly our future Queen, if the kings ever decided to step down from their royal duties.

Within a minute, Jane opened the doors to the throne room widely and stepped in, followed closely by Alec and Felix and I following nearby.

“Jane! Alec! To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing my two favourite children?” Aro almost chirped at the sight of the twins, not even acknowledging Felix and I’s presence.

He has always been too nice to the twins, the Volturi’s most powerful offensive weapons. My gift and Felix’s raw strength are nothing compared to Jane’s ability to inflict mental pain, or Alec’s ability to deprive one or multiple people’s senses at will.

“Masters, the four of us request your permission to leave on a mission. We don’t know how long it will take us or when we’ll come back, but I assure you we’ll be back as soon as we’re done with it.” Jane informed the kings confidently, and Aro’s brows furrowed slightly.

“What kind of a mission, dear Jane? I don’t remember giving you all a mission recently.” Aro seemed curious, as he nodded towards Jane to come closer. Jane obeyed, stepping closer to Aro and extending her hand towards him, who gladly took it into his palms.

A few minutes passed by, with Aro looking nowhere in particular, while he studied Jane’s thoughts, until he came back, and let Jane’s hand slowly out of his own ones. Felix tensed beside me; we both knew now that Aro knows about the purpose of our mission, and that he may also know about (Y/N) and Felix’s bond, as he stared at him with an evil smirk. He turned towards Marcus.

“Is it true, brother?” He asked the melancholic vampire to his right. Marcus seemed unamused, which was quite typical of him.

“Yes. They’ve been mates for quite some time.” He dragged his words.

Aro turned back to us. “And yet, (Y/N) chose to leave Volterra, to “explore the world”, away from her mate. Seems that their bond is not as strong after all.”

Felix was becoming more and more furious beside me. I could sense his distaste towards our master, as Aro invalidated their bond, and probably, him being his granddaughter’s mate. Felix confessed to me multiple times that he didn’t feel worthy of being (Y/N)’s mate; that she deserved a lot more than just an average vampire guard.

That’s why he never confessed his true feelings towards her, only looking at her from afar, and hoping that one day, she would confess her feelings first, so they could be together forever. Neither of them ever confessed, and, with (Y/N) being gone for quite some time now, Felix seemed to have regretted not telling her. Maybe they could have been together now, and he wouldn’t have his heart broken over her absence.

Aro’s voice broke my train of thought. “You have my permission to go find my granddaughter, but, before you go, you’ll have to make a plan. I cannot risk my guards leaving Volterra for too long. You’ll have to decide who will come with you, and you’ll have to be back as soon as you find her. No procrastination. You have three days to plan and make your decisions. Now, go, and make sure you bring (Y/N) back!” Aro waved his hand, showing us our way out of the throne room.

We never thought we had to make a plan to find (Y/N); we didn’t expect Aro to let us leave on such a mission, where we wouldn’t know if we’d even find (Y/N). But he did, and now we had to make a plan. We knew that it would definitely be Felix, the twins, and me, but we didn’t know if anyone else wanted to join us.

Word spread fast because, within a few hours, most of the guards were already trying to help us decide on a plan, whether they could or could not join us on the actual mission. In the end, we decided it would be just the four of us, and we only had to make a plan as to where we would go to search for (Y/N).

We left within 3 days, going down to Sicily, traveling across the sea, to Malta, where we found Renata’s family. When we asked them about (Y/N), out of fear of Jane and Alec, her uncle told us she visited them once, about 20 years ago. “She kept saying how she planned to travel the world, Europe, Asia, America, Africa.. Wherever she could go.” Luca kept saying.

We left immediately after that. We decided to continue with our plan, first traveling across Europe. It wasn’t an easy task; most of the continent was at war with the Ottomans, and the rest was divided into smaller or bigger countries, nothing stable or permanent yet. We passed through North Europe, traveling towards the South, traveling across North Africa, ending up in Egypt.

I met with Amun, almost 700 years after I left him and Egypt for Aro and Italy. He was neither pleased nor surprised. He was rather cautious and guarded due to the Twins’ and Felix’s presence. He didn’t ask me why I left him, but he did invite us to stay in Egypt for some time. We told him we were in a hurry, we had to find (Y/N).

“So, it is true then? Aro’s granddaughter abandoned him at last..”. He grinned.

“What do you mean “at last”?” Felix became upset quite quickly.

“You never realized it before? When Chelsea, (Y/N) and yourself came with Aro and took Demetri with you, I saw it in (Y/N)’s eyes.” We were all confused. Amun continued.

“She looked miserable. She probably didn’t even want to be here, doing Aro’s bidding. She wasn’t made to serve him and his every wish. She indeed passed by a decade or two ago. She apologized for her part in Demetri’s departure, and she stayed with us for about a month or two. I welcomed her because I understood Aro destroyed her life, just as he destroyed ours.”

“What did she want in Egypt?” Felix was becoming more anxious by the minute.

Amun continued his narration. “She wanted to learn about Egypt, the Pyramids, the Pharaohs. She told me she read a lot about Ancient Egypt; how Alexander the Great colonized Egypt and many Greeks have been living here ever since; how the Great Pyramids were built. She just wanted to see all the history from up close. She wanted to experience everything. Who wouldn’t, right?” He grinned again, like the proud Egyptian he was, having seen all of Egypt’s glory through the past millennia.

It was Jane’s time to ask the questions. “So, she just visited? She didn’t say where she was going after she left?”

“She said she wanted to go and visit places. Though, she didn’t say where she would go. I would tell you if I knew.” Amun looked arrogant but cautious. He wouldn’t risk getting on Jane’s bad side, so he chose to tell the truth about (Y/N).

“We won’t be staying then. Let’s go.” Jane ordered and ran out of Amun’s palace, Alec following closely behind her.

Felix stayed behind, and I stopped in my tracks. “If you have her and you lied to us, I swear I will rip you apart with my own hands!” Felix pointed at Amun while threatening him.

Amun didn’t seem to be phased at all. “Believe me, I wouldn’t want to get on Aro’s bad side. I already lost someone important to me.” He looked straight at me, and then back to Felix. “But, if you want to find her, you may want to find Carlisle first. She admired him, for choosing to be more human than vampire. When he visited me last time, he did mention how (Y/N) was the only Volturi that didn’t really seem to actually belong in the Volturi. She was too kind for her own good.”

Felix's jaw clenched, and I grabbed him before he managed to attack Amun. I mumbled a “thank you” to Amun, and we ran to find the Twins. My tracking skills could sense Carlisle from a distance, so it wouldn’t be hard to find him. Finding (Y/N), though, was a totally different story.

------------------------------------------------------

(Y/N)’s POV:

I woke up with a throbbing headache in an unknown place. My eyes couldn’t focus on anything in particular around me. I could barely distinguish the wooden furniture around me, and the burning fire in the fireplace. My hand traversed through woolen fabrics of different textures. Was I in bed? Was I in a bedroom? As my senses started to go back to normal, I started hearing people talking, a woman and man talking..in Greek?

“Αλέξανδρε, η (Ο/Σ) γύρισε! Το κοριτσάκι μας γύρισε επιτέλους!” (“Alexander, (Y/N) is back! Our little girl is finally back!”)

“Το ξέρω, Στέλλα. Πρέπει να την προστατεύσουμε, να την κρατήσουμε κοντά μας. Δε γίνεται να γυρίσει πίσω στη Βολτέρρα.” (“I know, Stella. We have to protect her, to keep her close to us. She cannot go back to Volterra.”)

“Τι θα κάνουμε αν την ψάξει ο Άρο ή κάποιος άλλος από τη φρουρά; Το ξέρουμε και οι δυο ότι, όπου και να είναι, θα κινδυνεύει.” (“What are we going to do if Aro or someone else from the Guard is looking for her? We both know that, wherever she is, she will be in danger.”)

“Το μόνο που μπορούμε να κάνουμε είναι να φροντίσουμε να την προετοιμάσουμε κατάλληλα. Πρέπει να μάθει το πραγματικό μέγεθος της δύναμής της. Ένιωθα τη δύναμη που είναι συσσωρευμένη μέσα της. Μπορεί να κάνει πραγματικά σπουδαία πράγματα, αρκεί να μάθει να ελέγχει τον εαυτό της και τις δυνάμεις της.” (“The only thing we can do is to make sure she is prepared accordingly. She has to learn the true extent of her power. I felt the power built up inside her. She can do amazing things, as long as she learns to control herself and her powers.”)

I was confused. My parents.. I found my parents. I faintly remember when I met them in the woods. I looked down at my body. I did not wear my white gown anymore, the one which I had once cut below the knee, so I could run around freely. I was now wearing a red dress, the vest covered in gold details. The vest’s sleeves went down, just a few centimeters above my wrists. The dress was made of silk, and it felt nice against my skin; I was finally wearing new, clean clothes and it felt nice.

I jumped out of the bed, and the dress flew around me, falling gently just above my ankles. There was a tearing to the side, which I thought was a nice detail, so I could actually run. I ran at a vampire speed towards the door and out of the room. I saw my parents talking in the living room, in front of the fireplace where another fire was burning bright and warmed up the room.

“Για τι πράγμα μιλούσατε; Σας άκουγα. Γιατί να έρθουν για μένα; Τι πρέπει να μάθω;” (“What were you talking about? I heard you. Why would they come for me? What do I have to learn?”)

My mother cupped my face affectionately. “Ψυχούλα μου, το ξέρεις ότι ο Άρο θα σε αναζητήσει. Θα κάνουμε τα πάντα για να σε προστατέψουμε, αλλά πρέπει να μάθεις να πολεμάς για τον εαυτό σου. Ήρθε η ώρα να μάθεις για τις πραγματικές σου δυνατότητες. Ο μπαμπάς σου θα σου μάθει ό,τι χρειάζεται να μάθεις για να εξασκήσεις τη μαγεία σου.” (“My little soul, you know that Aro will look for you. We’ll do everything to protect you, but you’ll have to learn to fight for yourself. It’s time to learn about your true capabilities. Your dad will teach you whatever you need to know to practice your magic.”)

“Now, follow us, (Y/N). I will teach you everything I know.” Dad took one of my hands in his and mom took my other hand in hers, and they led me outside, to the garden.

------------------------------------------------------

In the months that followed, I learned how to defend myself using my powers; how to cast spells; how to attack; I even learned how to use dark magic. And as time passed and I perfected my magic, the more magic and energy I could pump out of me, and the more I felt drawn to dark magic. It gave me an unexplainable power; a confidence that I could define my own life; a confidence that I could free myself from Aro.

My only concerns were my friends and Felix; though I was quite powerful by now, the only thing that kept me behind, trapped between what I have to do for myself and what I have to do for others, was the thought of Felix. I have already lost so much time being away from him, and sometimes, that was translated to physical pain, which I didn’t know could happen between mates. I assumed that it was the same for him as well, and I didn’t want him to be in pain.

Unlike the other vampires, I could cry, heck, I would cry for hours and hours. And that pain, that emptiness, would eventually feed the darkness in me. I couldn’t see it at first, but I started having darker, evil thoughts. I stopped feeding off of animals and started killing people. I killed people for their blood, or for fun - either way, I would still consume their blood. I was feeding my thirst and my darkness, becoming insensitive and slowly mad for revenge.

My parents wouldn’t say anything; I knew that it was part of their plan to get revenge on Aro. Unbeknownst to my mom, I also managed to copy her mind-reading, and having already copied Aro’s power, I could manage to know everything both of my parents have ever thought about. My magic penetrated her shield quite easily, and I managed to learn everything I needed to know about their plan, their lives, their abilities, and magic.

I was now way more powerful than them. I didn’t need them; they needed me - they needed me to take over Volterra. It all started as a need to take over territory and become powerful; powerful enough that they could challenge the Volturi and cease their powers, possibly manage to take me and any other powerful guard they found under their rule.

However, me finding them made their plan way easier - they knew that they could persuade me to do their bidding and join them. I was their daughter after all; we were family, and, although they didn’t raise me, they knew that I would much rather stay with them than Aro, given his past.

I didn’t oppose their plan; I wasn’t fond of it, but I didn’t mind. It could be a way to be finally recognized and appreciated. I could finally become the princess, officially, and I could take my friends and Felix away from Aro. We would be together; we wouldn’t be scared of what Aro may think of us; we would be finally free.

These thoughts pushed me day after day to push myself and my limits more. I had to become as powerful as I could ever be. The darkness was consuming my soul and I was welcoming it; I wanted to be in power; I wanted to be in control. I visualized the darkness surrounding me and consuming me; a black smoke swinging out of my body, surrounding me, and swirling around me. I could feel my eyes stink and I smelled the blood that was now oozing out of them. I felt my insides twist and turn, and I screamed in pain; my feet not being able to support my body anymore, as I fell down on my knees.

I felt the darkness “painting” my soul and turning it into a long abyss. I felt my humanity being stripped away from me, like a hand reaching out and ripping my heart out of my body and slowly crashing it. And then, it all stopped. I raised my head and looked at the world around me in a different light. The world was darker, meaner; everyone was my enemy. I would not let anyone subjugate me again; I would not be a victim anymore. I would take my revenge on the Volturi, I would make them pay.

[aphalleos]

Unexpected Pregnancy: Sweden x Alleos

Kinda based on a convo I had regarding if Alleos got pregnant with @darkest-shadows-of-scandinavia . Hilda wouldn’t be happy and would go to all sorts of extremes to avoid having a child.

1258 words, and there is essentially suicide in this!

Hilda was in tears. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t be. She looked down to the little device in her hands and broke down again. Throwing the device across the room, she rested her head in her knees and sobbed. This didn’t go unnoticed; a special someone who had been making his way specifically to check on her had heard the sobbing. That someone was Berwald. Knowing something was up, he entered the room without hesitation.

“Hilda?” said Berwald urgently. Sitting next to her on the bed, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close. “Hilda, please tell me what’s wrong. This isn’t like you at all.” The whole Nordic family was well aware that she hadn’t been feeling the best as of late-- vomiting frequently, fatigue before her watch would reach low charge, headaches, violent mood swings… things of the like. Initially, it was assumed that Eduard was attacking her again. However, deep in her heart Hilda knew damn well it was something more.

Reluctantly, Hilda moved from his arms and over to the wall where the device hit. Then she went to the trash can to retrieve a few more similar devices, and soon enough Berwald was able to put together what they were. Those devices she held were none other than pregnancy tests. Mouth agape and eyes wide, he looked up to Hilda, who handed the devices over. “Read them.”

Berwald’s hands were trembling as he took the devices, and surely enough-- they were positive. “Hilda, I…” Berwald, on one hand, really wanted to start a family of his own with the woman he loved. However, he knew Hilda didn’t like kids. She was awkward enough around Peter and Erland as it was, but maybe now that she was going to have her own that would change?

“This… this is the worst thing that could happen. I fear it would be too late to abort it.”

His heart dropped. “Well, why don’t we go to a doctor before assuming anything?”

To the suggestion, Hilda nodded desperately. Without hesitation, Berwald went off to make an appointment, just for the very next day.

FFW to after the appointment…

Now Hilda was a complete and total mess. The doctor had confirmed that yes, she was pregnant, and she was too far along to abort it. For Hilda, that only meant one thing-- she would have to deal with the physical trauma it would cause to her body to deliver it. Not to mention how mentally fucked up she already was from all of this…

Without another word, she stormed past the family before anybody could ask what was up, entering the little pocket world and travelling from Copenhagen to Alleos with ease.

“Is she okay?!” Matthias asked urgently. He was about to go after Hilda, but Berwald quickly grabbed a hold of his arm.

“Leave her be. She… she needs some time alone.”

Matthias heaved a heavy sigh. Hilda could be a handful, but he felt the need to know what was going on. “Fine. Just… please tell me what’s going on. She’s my kid after all, I just need to make sure she’s okay.”

Berwald hesitated, but eventually spoke up. It was important that the whole family understand why she was in such a terrible place at the moment. “To keep it short… she’s pregnant. She didn’t know how far along she was until today, and she doesn’t want to keep it. But… it’s too late to do anything about it.”

This left the whole family crushed and speechless. Everybody stared at Berwald, unable to find anything to say.

FFW a few days-- with Hilda…

Hilda was in a bit of an emotional frenzy. Well, reasonably so-- she valued her life as it was. To have a child, especially when she was so young, was a nightmare come true for her. Why did she have to be one of the unfortunate few to not even know she was pregnant until it was too late?!

Already, the stress had become too much. She couldn’t take this, and there was no way in hell she’d be able to live with knowing that she destroyed her body for something she didn’t even want. Hell, as far as she knew, she couldn’t have even gotten pregnant!

Her mind was racing, until she made it to her office. Her gaze fell onto that one sacred area-- the networking closet. With no hesitation, she made her way over and signed into the client computer. With just a little bit of tweaking, she was able to disable all firewalls and antivirus, leaving the network completely vulnerable. With her heart pounding and adrenaline pumping through her body, she then used her personal computer to sign into a few… more than shady websites, posting the IP address and other network credentials. She informed people to attack the network with whatever they had; preferably something so devastating that would damage the network beyond repair. Seeing as she was cyber based, this really was the only way for her to go.

People jumped on the opportunity as she expected, and she laid down on the couch as she waited. It didn’t take long at all for the pain to begin hitting her-- and by god it was excruciating. Immediately, she recoiled, curling up into a ball as she hissed in pain. Tears had already sprung up to her eyes and started dripping from them. The pain was like no other she’d ever felt. However, she remained almost completely silent. She just… writhed in the pain, right there on her couch. Her phone rang and buzzed with calls and texts, but just like the last few days she blatantly ignored it all.

It didn’t take long at all for a sense of peace to wash over her, and her body relaxed. Her mind went just about completely blank, and she knew the feeling-- everything was being erased entirely. The network and its data would soon enough cease to exist.

With Berwald...

Berwald could feel in his bones that something was up. He’d called and texted Hilda almost endlessly during the last few days. And, as she usually did when she was having a bit of an episode, she refused to answer or even read anything. It was only this fateful day Berwald just knew something was wrong-- perhaps fatally wrong. He spoke no words as he exited the estate, rushing over to Alleos and near breaking the door in with ease. There he found his Hilda on the couch, looking spaced out as ever.

Oh no.

He could already tell this wasn’t good.

“Hilda…?” his quiet voice rumbled as he made his way over. He touched her hand, and she just barely gazed over to him.

“Ber… I’m sorry…” her voice trailed off, and her eyes fluttered shut. Like that, the server was just… completely dead. It had been destroyed beyond repair and then it just ceased to exist.

Berwald just remained in his position, completely at a loss and in shock. She was once as happy as she could have been with the Nordics, and he knew her too well to know that she really did go out of her way to cause this. Entirely out of the fear of having a child…

Berwald began crying, and boy the tears showed no damn sign of stopping. Now he was in pain, and it was like no pain he’d ever felt before. That said a lot considering how long he’d been around for.

“Hilda, I’m sorry.”

[weshallc]

Gloucester History Festival : Call the Midwife, Q&A with Heidi Thomas and Stephen McGann. September 21st 2019. Blackfriars Priory.

Disclaimer: These are purely my thoughts and impressions as an audience member at this event (sat at the back). I didn’t make an audio recording or scribble any written notes. I haven’t got the greatest short-term memory in the world and I am human, so have a tendency to add my own interpretations to what I hear. Also there was a lot of content in almost an hour-and-half.

There aren’t any mind blowing revelations contained in my write up and I understand most fans will have knowledge of the subjects discussed in this talk. So I have to admit, I have therefore probably over shared my impressions of the event rather than the search for revelations . I have tried to provide an insight for fans who have not had the opportunity and privilege to listen to or meet either Heidi, Stephen or any of the CtM crew. It is incredibly difficult to do justice to the passion and enthusiasm of Stephen or reflect the clarity and intelligence of Heidi, but I have done my inadequate best.

I have failed to find out the name of the host, but what I do know is, he was excellent. He asked the right questions at the right times, without unnecessary interruption or pursuing his own agenda.

Just to get it out of the way, nothing new was revealed about series 9 apart from the political landscape that affected London in 1965. The CS was touched on, but only what we know regarding the Hebridean location, although there will also be a Poplar story involving Reggie. I was very relieved that Stephen, who as we know doesn’t interfere with Heidi’s writing, is dropping lots of World Cup hints for series 10. (For those who don’t know England held it and won it in 1966, we are talking football)

So to what was discussed:

Thalidomide was spoken about at some length, including the involvement of the Thalidomide community in reference to the story thread. I think a significant  thing I picked up from listening to both of them talk concerning this and other topics, is how much the storylines affect the team. Obviously some have a personal edge, the Mrs Jenkins CS12 storyline was mentioned, touching on Stephen’s mam’s own story of the lost twin brothers told in Flesh and Blood. But I got the impression that every story is meticulously researched and also “lived” by Heidi in writing and the cast in trying to depict the human side to the historical facts.

What I was unaware of was how every person affected by Thalidomide developed completely unique combinations of deformities. So in the same way, Susan isn’t based on any particular person, her range of disabilities is unique to her, like it would be in reality. They didn’t say if there would be more Susan and the Mullucks’ in the future.

I hadn’t seen Heidi and Stephen interviewed together before and it is obvious how close they are. Stephen is well, I can’t think of a more appropriate word than besotted and uses every opportunity to compliment his wife. I felt Heidi is used to it, but by nature is very modest and would rather talk about other people’s input or Call the Midwife in general than her own achievements.

She is definitely a people person and is very happy to talk about Jennifer Worth and the original order that became the fictional Order of Raymond Nonnatus all day long. Both these relationships seem to have left a huge impression on her. It left me wondering what influence Jennifer would have now on CtM if she was still with us. Heidi did say that Jennifer, who in her own memoirs merged facts together to tell a good story, understood how drama works.

Which leads me on to another subject that was touched on, the shows authenticity. I found this particularly interesting because I love my history and I love research, archives, stats and all stuff nerdy. To try and sum up various strands of conversation; the impression I got is audiences can be very selective when it comes to authenticity.

They explained that sometimes it isn’t always possible physically, financially and legally (health and safety etc) to replicate everything perfectly, although they do go to ridiculously great lengths to do so. They used the example of a pram that was completely in keeping with the year it was featured, apart from the lining and this was picked up by viewers!!! But as Heidi explained the prams were reused frequently and often relined, so it’s very hard to find one today with the original lining.

This led to a discussion on what I call “selective desire for authenticity”, people want it to be realistic, but have difficulty accepting smoking Drs and nurses, drugs being prescribed to “cure” homosexuality etc. The audience having to accept that it is a mid-20th century show reflecting mid-20th century values and attitudes and that can make CtM a hard watch at times. (I must reiterate my words)

Heidi explained how since they moved on from Jennifer’s memoirs she starts each series by meticulously reviewing the medical statistics and reports for each particular year and that is where her inspiration comes from. She then has to translate this into drama and inject the human story. This struck me, as much as they aim for CtM to be as accurate as possible, sometimes dry facts just don’t tell a good tale and it’s the essence of the story that appears to be the priority, the human angle and truth behind the facts is what they are aiming to get right.

There was time for some excellent questions at the end, (someone mentioned something about alpacas but they were removed swiftly and appropriately by security). One lady explained her mother had been a Queen's Nurse in that era and I loved how she explained what an inspiration her mother had been to her. She touched on the fact that her mother and the nurses and midwives CtM are depicting were revolutionary, they were changing lives for women, pioneering independence, including continuing working after marriage and during motherhood, forging careers not just making ends meet. Something I have always thought needs highlighting and celebrating more. (My words here again, I need to clarify)

A lady asked if CtM will explore legal abortion as it has illegal. Heidi just explained those events are inline with series 10 and she hasn’t considered how she will tackle this, but as always she will try and highlight the main medical stories of each particular year as appropriate.

The final question from Di, asked what would Dr T think of today’s NHS? Heidi actually offered a lot of thoughts on this and explained that the NHS has never been perfect. Again, I can’t remember the exact words, but she implied it has always been over stretched because it’s always trying to reach forward and there has never been enough resources to fulfill its aims and ideals. “The goal posts are always moving” as I would say. She did say Dr T wouldn’t be happy.

Stephen talked about the dilemma we have now created for ourselves by the overuse of antibiotics (Heidi pointed out Dr T was part of the generation who created that problem). He also highlighted the anti-vaccine culture and how Dr T wouldn’t understand today’s thinking because he had seen those diseases up close and personal in his lifetime and wouldn’t be able to comprehend a generation who wouldn’t embrace a solution. (I emphasise these are my words from the impressions I got listening to their responses)

On a personal note; What a day I had! Gloucester was a mystery to me before yesterday and I have totally fallen in love with this stunning historic city and its cheery friendly folk. The venue Blackfriars Priory was perfect. Closing thoughts; Heidi and Stephen are genuinely lovely people who care very much about what they do and the people who appreciate what they do.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #270

“please remain calm; the end has arrived. we cannot save you; enjoy the ride.”

Do you own pastel-colored pants? No. What type of lotion do you use? I don't really use it. Nothing seems to help how dry my skin is. What were your favorite clothing stores in high school? Hot Topic. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pastel pink, but realistically (given a pink car would probably have a paint job I'd have to pay for, I assume?), I like burnt orange cars. Not too brown-ish, though. What is your favorite color, do you look good in it, & do you wear it a lot? Pink, probably not, and no. Name someone you know who hates pink. Idk. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? "Nobody's Home." Do you kill bugs? Sometimes. Depends. If they're in my house, most likely. Have you ever had a bedroom that had wallpaper on the walls? No. Do you own any rompers? No. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? I made a birdhouse out of a milk carton once. Animal Planet taught me lol. Do you use window clings (aka window stickers)? No. What color is your stapler? Black. Do you have a desk that you sit at in your room? Ugh, no, but that's one reason I want to move to somewhere I have a bigger room for a desk so I don't do everything in my damn bed. What do you miss about college? Feeling like I was worth something and on a "proper" path. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. What is/was your dream school? I never had a "dream" school. Do you wish you could talk to someone about your past? If so, who? Idk, probably someone. What motivates you? Music and/or videos on whatever subject I could use motivation in, like self-care on my bad days. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. Tried, though. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I went through a doctor appointment entirely without Mom just a few days ago; she had to stay in the car due to chemo, so I filled stuff out, checked in/out alone, answered questions on my own, that business. I'm entirely aware it's sad as hell that a 24 y/o did that for the first time, but if you knew just how dependent I am on my mom, you'd get it. Which do you prefer: Valentine’s Day or Easter? Valentine's when I actually have someone to celebrate with, but I love Easter as an aunt with how excited the kids are about candy and all. Easter sorta rubs me the wrong way though since, y'know, Christianity essentially stole and rebuilt it. Do you wait until the last minute to decorate, or do you decorate early? I myself don't even decorate. Mom only does for Christmas, and it's very last minute. What’s your favorite Starbucks drink? I don't drink Starbucks. What were you wearing in the last good selfie you took? *checks phone* uh the one where I'm wearing a red tank top is okay. That's all you can see cuz FUCK taking full-body pics of me. What’s on your wish list right now? Ha, I actually have a list in my phone of things I really want/need to buy when I can. A few include a bigger terrarium to Venus, a treadmill, an Unus Annus shirt before the channel and thus merch expire, glasses for driving... What do you use to sweeten your tea? I don't drink tea. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, I don't wear enough colors or makeup in general to warrant buying one. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? The aforementioned doctor visit. How would you rate your self-esteem? Low, healthy, or high? Low as like, the deepest oceanic trench probs. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yeah. Were you a bigger fan of Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? Hilary. Do you make Halloween costumes out of clothes from your closet? Only ever to just be a goth to live out my inner fantasy of regularly flaunting that aesthetic. Do you enjoy putting outfits together? Not particularly. Would you rather it rain or snow? Snow! What does your umbrella look like? Don't have one. What’s one thing you’ve had a toxic reaction to? Do you mean like, emotionally/mentally toxic? I'm guessing probably yes. Even though parts of it were entirely realistic, understandable reactions/behaviors, I most definitely had some toxicity in me regarding the breakup, too. Which do you prefer: cropped tops or tunic tops? Uggghhhh, both are so cute. On me, I'd only ever wear tunic tops, but on others, I tend to find cropped tops cuter. What’s a style or trend that you think is ridiculous? I don't pay enough attention to this to really know... hm. Yeah, idk. Which YouTuber do you want to be more like? I could only dream of being as motivated and smart and determined and "I can do this shit" as Markiplier jfc I Love One Man Only. Do you like stuffed animals? EEEEEEEEK yes!!!! What was your favorite class in high school? Art. Have you ever gotten straight A’s in a class? If so, which classes? Yes; not to brag whatsoever, but too many for me to remember. I remember I got my very first B in 5th grade in I think math, and I was so bummed out. Were there any subjects that you got a perfect SAT score in? If so, what? I don't think so. Are you happy today? If so, what made you happy today? I'm content-ish, not happy, but also not unhappy. Is your bed right by a window? There's one to my upper right and middle left, but my bed's not exactly against either. Do you spend more time in your bedroom or your living room? I barely leave my bedroom. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? Halloween, if I actually did decorate. Do you name stuffed animals still? Very rarely. Depends on what it is, the importance, etc. What titles did you win in the senior class polls? I FUCKIN READ THIS AS "TITTIES" AND WAS JUST LIKE... Anyway, none. Were you popular in school? No. If you’re from the US, what states have you lived in? Only NC. Who was your best roommate? Well, Jason, if he even counted as a "roommate." Was your first roommate your best roommate? See above, considering idk if he fits the term; if he does, then yes. What’s the best family vacation you’ve ever been on? Disney World. Have you ever wanted to be a model? No. What years did you attend prom? Sophomore (bf was a senior and he took me) and senior. What do you want to be for Halloween? I was recently listening to a metal version of Oogie Boogie's song from TNBC and it hit me: MISS Oogie Boogie. A fat bitch could pull that shit off, watch me ho. Which member of your family are you closest to? My mom. If you have any regrets, what is the biggest one? If not, why do you have no regrets? Letting a boy become absolutely all that mattered and more to me. Would you ever apply to be on reality TV? Why? Ew, no. I don't need any more people judging me and my life. What is the best thing that has ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program that saved my life, literally. Do you have a hard time letting things go? It depends on what it is, but generally, yes. I recently realized one of my greatest flaws: I respond very, very poorly to loss, in any way. Looking back on people (especially people), events, other things... a negative, chronic reaction to loss is present throughout. What have you accomplished in life that has made you the most happy? Emotionally healed, a lot. I don't think some things will ever fully scar over, but nevertheless, I don't mentally have fuckin gashes in me. Have you ever struggled with your weight? Ever since the breakup, yes. I thought I was slightly fat before then, but looking at pictures now, I just think "damn hunny u look gud" and realize I was perfectly healthy. But anyway, I was put on a medication called Abilify (full-on name droppin', fuck this med), and it MURDERED my metabolism. I could eat a fuckin carrot and gain five pounds, probably. Emotional eating probably contributed too, but here's the thing: my current doctor took me off of it, knowing the moment I mentioned it that it was not only bad for me and my conditions but also responsible for the extreme weight gain? Pounds dropped like a ton of bricks, and this started before my emotional eating began to die off and regulate. I lost around 80 pounds just from dropping a goddamn pill. Cue college essay-long rant here about how my body image was slaughtered, how much I loathe the fucking doc that kept me on the med and blamed everything on me, and now how I've been stuck weight-wise for two years despite a vast plethora of methods to continue shedding a;sdlkfajkwlelawe GUYS I could rant til my hypothetical great-grandchildren die. When you are out with your friends are you loud and outgoing or shy and reserved? It depends on who the friend is, where we are, etc., but generally, I'm just awkward, trying to be outgoing when in fact I'm questioning every single thing I say and do al;wekjrkawde this survey has taken a TURN. Do you like to stay in your pajamas all day long? I don't leave my pj's unless I have to leave the house and go inside somewhere besides like, a gas station or something that's just "whatever." In high school did you have a lot of friends? Do you still keep in touch? I wouldn't say a *lot*, no, but not a tiny amount, either. The only one I ever still see is Girt, but I keep up with many on Facebook via the like button and shit, ha. Do you really care about such issues as abortion, religion, and global warming? Fuck yes I do. Who is the biggest womanizer you know? Juan sure was, but I haven't been in contact with him for years. Would you ever have a threesome? No. Who is the most attractive person you know? Of those I personally know-know, my answer will probably always be Alon like jc she's beautiful. When did you last feel the most free? ZOINKS we can't ask that question in America rn. Is there anyone who likes (or liked) you and had a really hard time getting over you? I don't know. Did you ever love someone and feel like it was wrong? Love? No. Well, before I realized I was bi, maybe Mini counts, as then I was anti-LGBT and couldn't even imagine myself as anything but straight. What’s your favorite bug? Butterflies. What’s the longest amount of time you liked/loved somebody for? Yeesh... I still can't say with absolute confidence I no longer love Jason at all, whom I started dating in 2012 and went head over heels for. What song makes you cry? There's a few that are capable of it sometimes, but do fucking not play "Stairway To Heaven" if I'm within 10 miles of you. "Another Life" by MiW usually makes me tear up towards the end, but it normally doesn't get that far anymore. Do you like rock or rap music better? Rock, as I'm not a rap fan. If you could watch someone change, would you? Yes let me live my life a;lsdkfjaws Ever known someone with an eating disorder? I don't know. I think maybe? Have you ever had a white Christmas? I think? The best snow we ever got was late Christmas night though, and the next morning was a total whiteout. What’s something you want to do but aren’t sure of yet? Hm. Idk. I'm pretty sure of most things I want to do. Biggest lie you ever told? I'm not entirely sure and I'd rather not search for one. Do you have a religion? I don't fit perfectly into any. I relate most with Neo-Paganism, but even that I deviate from some. Believe that there is a point to churches? I mean sure, people have the right to believe in/worship what they want to, and some people get a lot of joy and reassurance out of going. How do eat Oreos? "I split them in half and lick the cream before eating the cookie." <<<< Converse or Vans? Idc. Eh, maybe Converse, but idk. Dancing or watching others dance? I love watching others dance, it's why I enjoyed dance recitals and competitions. Favorite thing to touch/feel? My cat! <3 Rather be in a tornado or a large earthquake? Both would be horrifying, but I guess earthquake. I've had an outrageous fear of tornadoes since I was very little. Would you rather Santa or the Easter Bunny actually exist? Santa, duh. Would you rather spread gossip or start a fight? Start a fight, I guess. Trying to sully someone's name with false information would haunt me way more than starting an understandable fight. What has been the best New Year's for you so far & why? I don't know. What is the weirdest fear you’ve ever heard of someone having? Do you have any weird fears, and if so, what are they? Uhhh I think maybe butterflies? Idk, even that's not too weird considering it's an insect, and that's common. I'm personally absolutely terrified of pregnancy and also whale sharks scare me quite a bit. ig that's weird. How did you find Tumblr? lol how could you not know at some point as a teen on the Internet. What of the 8 wonders of the world do you find the most fascinating, if any? I had to look them up lmao. I guess the Great Pyramid of Giza. I in general find Egyptian culture and art to be very cool. Do you have a webcam? If you do, do you ever use it and what for? I mean, it's built into the laptop. I never use it. What is something that you think is really underrated? The band Otep, for one. I mean they're not small, but I don't think most people interested in the metal genre know them. OH and then there are A LOT of YouTube artists that MADLY deserve to be signed. I have a large chunk of metal musicians I listen to, and those especially like Jonathan Young blow my fucking mind they haven't technically "made it," even if they have a large subscriber base. Have you ever had a dream where you died? Did anything weird happen to your body after it? Yes, a few. Now hang with me, okay? One of my worst nightmares as a kid involved the wicked witch from TWoO turning me into one of those fucking party things that you blow into it and the paper unfurls and her using it killed me. Yo idk. I was really scared of that witch as a kid. What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had? How about the most realistic? It involved my dad and that's all that needs to be said. Realistic? Hm. This was SO long ago that I barely remember *just* how real it felt, but I remember it felt real as fuck. I was very little when this happened. I dreamed that I went outside to our porch because there was a weird light and when I stepped outside, a swan and a goose flew down from the light onto the porch to become my late grandpa and my deeply beloved cat Midnight, who died from sickness. I'm sure it was just a dream now, but back then, I was VERY convinced it was like a vision from God or something, telling me they were okay and with us. Do you have a favorite fashion trend? What is it? Is there a fashion trend right now that you think is completely ridiculous, and if so, what? What do you think was the worst fashion trend of all time? I don't care about fashion enough to go in depth about all this. I'll tell you right now though that mullets were the worst mistake known to mankind. Do you tend to like original horror movies or re-makes better? What’s your favorite horror movie? Is it an original or a remake? If you're remaking an old one, I'll probably like it more since they're generally not nearly as cheesy. Modern horror movies, I don't have much of a preference. My fave is The Blair Witch Project, and it's an original. What is one characteristic in a person that you cannot stand? What characteristics do you like best in a person? Do you possess any of these characteristics? Those that act violent when they're angry, for one. Those scare me. Some traits that I really like are compassion, patience, genuineness, empathy, kindness just for the sake of being so, stuff like that. I'd like to think I've got some of those. It's notable that in my nightmares, I'm way more violent than I actually am, though. What kind of jeans do you like best? When I actually wore jeans, they were like solely skinny jeans. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? A very abrupt and poorly-executed breakup after a long-term relationship and falling way, way too hard to be healthy. Does it still bother me? PTSD is stapled on my fucking forehead if you know the slightest about it. I've healed a whole lot, but I'm pretty sure it's a scar that's never going to even fully seal.

[clearcorona]

Hi, my dear writer! How are you? I saw that your "ask box" is open and I wanted to know if you can write a post or headcanons with our dear and explosive hero as a Pro Hero and, for some reason, he forgot his marriage aniversary. How would react his wife, who is cooking a nice dinner for the special ate and dying to tell him that they'll have a baby? Hugs from Chile!

I'm doing alright, thank you for asking! I don't feel as if I'm good at domestic things, but I'll try my best!

To those back in your first few months of dating that you'd never last six months with the great Ground Zero, they were wrong. You couldn't imagine your life with the spitfire that was your husband and still couldn't believe you had spent almost five years married to the man. Although he came off as rude and impulsive to some, he was a complete softie around you and you couldn't wait to tell him that he was going to be a father.

It was the exact reason as to why you were up so early in the first place, preparing breakfast for the two of you. A small box wrapped in green wrapping paper with an orange bow sat on the kitchen table, hiding the positive pregnancy test inside. You hummed softly to yourself as you pushed the bacon around the pan, watching it sizzle and cook. This was only a small token of your appreciation for the man who had made you so happy. You were planning on making some of his favorite dishes for dinner, hoping he'd stay out of your hair long enough for it to be a surprise.

Hearing Katsuki's heavy footsteps coming down the stairs made you smile. "Morning, Mr. Bakugou." You turned to look at him, only to see him fully dressed. You tilted your head, confused. "I thought you had the day off."

"Sorry, change of plans. They need me at the agency. I'll be back later." He placed a kiss to your forehead before grabbing a jacket.

"Katsuki, breakfast is almost done."

"I don't have time to eat. Love you!"

Just like that, the door to your apartment closed and you were standing alone in the kitchen once again, but there was no longer a point to being in there if the man you were cooking for wasn't even going to eat. You sighed and turned off the stove, taking the pan off of the burner.

"Happy fifth anniversary, Bakugou Katsuki..."

-

Because of how sudden the meeting for the mission was, Katsuki was nearly late, bursting through the doors of the room. Everyone turned to stare and Katsuki narrowed his eyes before plopping down in his usual seat. Talk about the mission started up again, but Katsuki could barely pay attention once Kirishima started to lean over and whisper to him.

"Is (Y/N) okay with you being here?" he asked and Katsuki raised and eyebrow, simply nodding. He hoped it would cause the redhead to end the conversation, but he just kept talking. "I mean it's been a while since your last day off, not to mention that it's your-"

"It's fine, Shitty Hair," he assured, keeping his voice down so he didn't interrupt the meeting. Kirishima didn't seem entirely convinced, wondering if something happened between the two of you before he went back to listening to the details of the case.

A missing persons case with thirteen innocent people involved, children, to be more specific. They seem to almost disappear without a trace and the group tried coming up with theories as to why there was almost no evidence of who could possibly be behind it all. At the end of the meeting, they had barely moved from where they had started, but were told to keep an eye out for anything as well as follow up on any potential leads. Bakugou wasn't sure how they managed to stretch the meeting to be almost four hours long with how little evidence they had, but they managed to do it. As soon as it was over, the same squad that had surrounded him during his high school years did the same again.

"Is (Y/N) alright with you being here?" Ashido asked, it being the second question regarding you. Katsuki furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, wondering why they kept bringing you up.

"What does (Y/N) have to do with me being here?" he retorted and the group exchanged glances before Kirishima spoke up.

"Well, I mean, it is your anniversary, isn't it?"

Once those words left his mouth, Katsuki froze, wondering how he could've been so stupid.

"Shit...," he muttered. "I'm going back home." He collected his things before leaving the agency, wanting to get back to you as soon as possible. He couldn't believe he had forgotten about your anniversary, your fifth anniversary! Katsuki felt like the worst husband in that moment, hoping there was a way he could make it up to you when you were obviously trying so hard to please him this morning by making breakfast even if all he needed was you to be happy.

You were his angel and he'd do anything to cheer him up, even if it made him look ridiculous.

-

You sighed as you flipped through the channels on TV, trying to find something good to watch. If Katsuki were still home, you probably would've started cooking dinner right about now, but you didn't want it to get cold since he usually came home super late after work. You figured you'd set dinner on a much smaller scale and make him whatever he wanted when he returned.

You glanced at the small wrapped gift on the coffee table and sighed, suddenly worrying. You and Katsuki had never exactly talked about having children. What if he didn't want kids? Would he make you have an abortion? Would he make you put your kid up for adoption? Would he leave you?

Your thoughts were suddenly interrupted when the door burst open. You quickly stood up, thinking it was an intruder, but you were surprised to see it was your own husband.

"Katsuki? I thought you were supposed to be at work." The ash blonde didn't respond, instead he walked over to you, pulling you into a passionate kiss. You melted against his lips before you placed your hands against his chest, pushing him away gently with a soft laugh. "What's gotten into you?"

"Why didn't you remind me? God, I feel so stupid...," he muttered, resting his forehead against yours as he let out a sigh. "It's really been five years."

"I tried, but you were so quick to just leave, and I know you rarely answer texts when you're at work, especially if you were called in for something at the last minute. Oh! I actually have something for you."

"Shit... I didn't get you anything."

"It's fine, Katsuki, really. It's not much anyway." You walked back over to him, holding the box in your hands. Katsuki eyed it, still a bit hesitant to take it before you shoved it in his hands.

Katsuki let out a sigh before he tore the wrapping off of the box before he lifted up the lid. He raised his eyebrow at you once he noticed all of the tissue paper in the box, pulling it out. He seemed confused when he saw what it was, taking a moment to actually process what it was. The blonde's eyes widened and he grabbed the pregnancy test, bringing it closer to his face to see if he was seeing the results correctly.

You stood to the side nervously, not sure if you had ever seen him so speechless.

"Is this real?" He watched as you slowly nodded.

"Yeah..." You nodded again, surprised when your husband broke out into a huge grin. He immediately pulled you in for a kiss.

"I'm going to be having a kid with the most beautiful fucking woman in the world. I can't believe it, we're going to be parents.

The sheer joy on his face brought tears to your eyes, which he easily wiped away. How could you ever think he wouldn't want a kid?

"This is the best anniversary we've had, so far." You smiled when he rubbed your stomach. "Now, how should I repay you for nearly forgetting?"

"Hmm... I think a nice bubble bath and a massage will be good. For now, at least."

"For now? You're lucky I love you...," he replied and you smiled, kissing his cheek.

"I know. Thank you for everything."

"Of course. I'll do anything for you two." You noticed his adoring gaze as he stared at your stomach, your heart melting.

How were you so lucky to have a man like Katsuki in your life?

[roman-writing]

no end in sight (7/7)

Fandom: World of Warcraft

Pairing: Jaina Proudmoore/Thalyssra

Rating: T

Wordcount: 4,145

Summary: Jaina goes to Suramar seeking aid after leaving the Kirin Tor. An AU exploring the events post-Theramore and Jaina’s recovery during Legion.

Read it here on AO3 or read it below the cut

“But the landscape of devastation is still a landscape. There is beauty in ruins.”

— Susan Sontag, from ‘Regarding The Pain Of Others’

--

“You will get used to it,” they told her. “Eventually.”

Jaina did not believe them. 

The enchanted wrappings were gone, but some days she still felt like an Ethereal. It was something about the ground. Sometimes, even a week after her body had been fully healed, it felt as though the earth did not exist beneath her feet. As though she walked upon a pane of glass above the distant drop of the void far below.

She no longer felt an uncomfortable rush of mana when she stood on leylines, but she still avoided stepping on them for the first week. It was an automatic reaction she could not control, flinching when she expected to be burned. Jaina could not tell if this was made better or worse by the fact that she could no longer physically see the leylines. She could sense their vague location, but it was more like the buzz of a mosquito forever flitting just out of sight. 

“Oh, that’s just how it is for us,” Valtrois said when Jaina questioned her about it. 

They were standing over a darkened teleportation pad in Oculeth’s corner of Shal’Aran. Oculeth himself was on his hands and knees, attempting to repair the teleportation pad, which had gone dark the day before without warning, the portal anchored above it winking out of existence with a splutter. Jaina and Valtrois had their hands full of various tools, but weren’t paying any attention to what he was doing.

Jaina still wore the enchanted mask. Shal’Aran was bustling with more people than ever. And now that the Nightborne had a reliable cure to mana addiction, the final fight against the Legion began in earnest. Whispers of the Dusk Lily’s insurrection grew into murmurs, grew into shouts, grew into warsongs. High ranking members of both the Horde and Alliance flooded to Suramar daily.

For all her talk to Farodin about choosing sides, Jaina still hadn’t picked hers openly.

“Us?” Jaina repeated. Wordlessly, Oculeth held out his hand, and she placed a mote extractor into it. His fingers closed around the handle, and he continued working with the instrument.

“Us. Nightborne. And, well -” Valtrois gave Jaina the once-over with her gaze. “-whatever you are now.”

“Alive,” Oculeth supplied helpfully. Though he did not look up, he did give the mote extractor a little wave for emphasis. 

“She was never dead to begin with.” Valtrois took the mote extractor and replaced it with a scoped barrel forged from leystone ore. 

“Technically -”

“No, not even technically,” Valtrois snapped waspishly.

“Technically,” Oculeth continued, undeterred. He mounted the scoped barrel into a hollow section of the transportation pad made by disassembling its metal facing. “One could make the argument that she was neither living nor dead when she was an Ethereal.”

Valtrois looked at Jaina and her voice was flat. “Don’t listen to him. You were always alive.”

All too well Jaina remembered what it had felt like. It hadn’t been that long ago, after all. The sensation of drifting through space and time like an unquantifiable entity, untethered by death or physical feeling. 

In a way, she agreed with Oculeth, but she certainly didn’t say that aloud. Mostly because she didn’t want to think about it too hard herself. 

A thought struck her, and she said, “And what about now?”

At that, both Oculeth and Valtrois peered at her with curious expressions. Oculeth had paused in his work to answer, “I would wager you’re very much alive, Lady Proudmoore.”

“No, I mean -” Jaina had to pause to collect her thoughts and place them all in neat order. “Nightborne and humans have vastly different lifespans, but you said it yourself: I’m neither here nor there, so to speak. So, what happens now?”

For a moment, neither of them responded. Then, Valtrois tapped an instrument against her opposite hand and said, “The inscriptions make it so that your physical body acts the same way the enchanted wrappings do for Ethereals. They both contain your energy, channel it, and stop your body from further deterioration.”

“Which,” Oculeth added, his words slow and thoughtful, “could also refer to aging. We can’t be sure for certain how long you will live now. As long as other Nightborne? I doubt it.”

“But longer than any human,” Valtrois said.

“Oh, without a doubt,” he agreed. “Could I please have the -? Thank you.”

Valtrois handed him a vial of what appeared to be thick, viscous demon’s blood. It burned with fel-green energy and stank of sulfur when he unstoppered the vial and poured a few drops of its contents down the hollow leyline barrel. The interactions between them were, as always, comfortable. They moved with an ease in each other’s presence, the same way they did with Thalyssra and even with Jaina. 

They were the same people, Jaina knew. They moved, acted, and sounded the same, but they looked so completely different. It had been nearly two weeks now since Jaina had been unwrapped and declared stable, and still she had a difficult time reconciling the fact that these people were the same Valtrois and Oculeth who had dragged her into one of the most genuine friendships she’d formed in -- well. Far too long. 

Not to mention Thalyssra. But that was different again.

Jaina pushed that nascent thought aside very quickly. Thalyssra was too busy for any sort of nonsense these days. Which is what that sort of dreadful, sinking hope was: nonsense. Nothing good would come of it, Jaina was sure. 

There was no getting used to this. She kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. This was an unreal existence. She peered around every corner as if expecting something to leap from the shadows. She encountered every good fortune with suspicion. Hope was dangerous. Hope was frightening. Hope had failed her in the past. Hope was not something she had ever thought to feel again. Certainly not like this.  

“Is everything alright?” Valtrois asked.

Jaina started. It took her a moment to realise that Valtrois was not speaking to her but to Oculeth.

He removed the barrel from the ground, setting it and the vial aside so that he could study the dismantled teleportation pad and scratch at the top of his head. “On this end everything is fine, but that’s precisely what worries me. It means Thalyssra was right. The teleporter for the Waning Crescent was intentionally tampered with on the other side.”

Valtrois sighed out an elegant and exaggerated, “Fuck.” 

“My thoughts exactly.”

“So, who did it?” Jaina asked. 

Oculeth began putting the teleportation pad back together, sliding the heavy metal plate back into place. “I have an inkling, but we should send one of our Horde friends to investigate inside the city itself. Valtrois, would you update Thalyssra and ask if -?”

“Already on it.” Valtrois was walking towards Oculeth’s heavy work station, and placed the tools she had been holding atop the desk. She did not bother lining them up neatly. She made an abortive movement towards the stairs spiraling beneath the arcan’dor, but stopped. Suddenly, she whirled about, her eyes narrowed, and pointed at Jaina. “Don’t go anywhere. You’re not allowed to leave without saying goodbye.”

Jaina blinked, taken aback. “I wasn’t planning on it.” 

Valtrois gave her a knowing look.

Shifting her weight between her feet, Jaina added guiltily, “Not anymore, at least.”

With a suspicious grunt, Valtrois said to Oculeth, “Fix her with a tracking beacon.”

“I said I wouldn’t!” Jaina insisted, indignant.

“That won’t be necessary,” Oculeth said, affixing magnetic bonds to the teleportation plate so that it stayed put.

“Thank you!” Jaina said. 

“Those leyline inscriptions of hers have a unique enough magical signature. She’s like a piece of the Nightwell floating around, and -- once known -- that signature could pinpoint her in a crowded street.”

“Good,” Valtrois said, turning to leave once more. 

Jaina opened her mouth to protest, but whatever she had been about to say died on her lips. She glanced down at the back of one hand. The runic markings etched into her skin gleamed, infused with their own silvery light that pulsed with every heartbeat. 

Ever since the arcane wrappings had been removed, she no longer endured headaches or itching. She could cast spells of any calibre without threat of self-collapse, a theory which she had tested only a few days ago, when she and Thalyssra had gone just south of Moonguard Stronghold for precisely that purpose. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and Jaina’s spellcasting had felt exactly as it had before the destruction of Theramore. Apart from the heightened sensation of mana flowing through every vein, as if the procedure now made her aware of even the barest trace of arcane energy within herself. And perhaps it did. 

Oculeth rose to his feet and dusted off his hands. Valtrois had descended the stairs in search of Thalyssra, leaving him and Jaina in relative solitude. As alone as anyone got in Shal’Aran these days. 

His usual smile was gone, but there remained a softness around his keen eyes. “You could veil your magical signature so that nobody would be any the wiser. I could teach you, but it would require you to maintain concentration for that duration of the effect.”

Jaina considered that, then shrugged. “So long as you’re the only people who know it, I don’t mind.”

That familiar smile of his returned, but it was small. “Have you asked Thalyssra about why she chose these particular designs for your tattoos?” 

“No.” She moved to set down the instruments she was holding beside those Valtrois had dumped atop the workbench. Except Jaina did it with far more care for the instruments themselves. “Does it matter?”

Oculeth answered with a noncommittal hum. “Physiologically speaking? Not a whit. Socially speaking? In vast amounts.” 

He moved to stand beside her, and she allowed him to gently take her hand. He lifted it between them. He brushed his thumb against the tattoo on the back of her hand, nudging the cloth of her sleeve up her arm to reveal where the inscriptions wove along her wrist. His own markings stood out against his skin, the contrast stark in comparison to Jaina’s paler complexion. 

“To my people, these are signs. Signifiers.” Oculeth dropped her hand. “You’ve been branded. Wouldn’t you like to know what it means?”

Jaina’s fingers curled into a fist. She had to force her hand to unclench. “I’ll be sure to ask next time.”

--

That was only somewhat of a lie. Jaina was too afraid to broach the topic. In the rare occasions where she screwed her courage to the sticking place, Thalyssra always appeared so busy. Jaina would approach during the day to find Thalyssra engaged in deep conversation with Champions of the Horde and Alliance. During the evening, Jaina stood in the doorway to Thalyssra’s private study two floors beneath the bustle of Shal’Aran, and Thalyssra would be hunched over her desk, so entrenched in her work that she would not notice Jaina’s presence hovering behind her. Once, Jaina found Thalyssra sleeping at her desk, head pillowed by an open book. She still had a quill held loosely between her fingers. 

Jaina let her be. Thalyssra did not need any interruption to her already hectic life, what with all the rebel-rousing and insurgency. 

It was a flimsy excuse, even by her standards. But Jaina clung to it nonetheless. 

That being said, it was a difficult excuse to cling to when Thalyssra approached her instead.

“I’ve been saving this for a special occasion.” Thalyssra held a bottle of arcwine in her hands. It was one of the same bottles that Jaina had brought back from the Twilight Vineyards. That felt like so long ago. “Will you join me?”

Jaina hesitated. She was currently helping Valtrois pass out fruit of the arcan’dor to new arrivals at Shal’Aran. Before she could say anything however, Valtrois took the basket of fruit from her hands and said, “Go. I can do this by myself.”

Jaina went. 

“If you don’t want to we can -” Thalyssra started to say, but Jaina shook her head with a smile.

“No, no. A glass of wine sounds lovely.”

Jaina started towards the stairs, assuming they would be heading down to Thalyssra’s private study, only for a hand on her arm to stop her.

Thalyssra tilted her head. “This way. I thought we might go outside for a change. It’s a warm evening.”

They walked towards the teleportation pads in a corner of Shal’Aran. Oculeth was conspicuously absent, his tools lying about. The portal to the Waning Crescent had been restored, but another portal had been sectioned off with a length of silk rope. 

Thalyssra ducked beneath the rope barrier. “I asked Oculeth to restrict traffic through this one temporarily.”

And without further explanation, she stepped through the portal. Jaina lingered for a moment. Steeling herself, she followed. 

The ruins of Elune’eth overlooked the valley of Meredil. In the distance, the spires of Suramar raked the sky, the Nightwell’s tower foremost among them. The shield surrounding Suramar shimmered in the early evening light like a soap bubble, transparent yet full of colour. 

It was indeed a lovely, warm evening. Spring had draped itself across Suramar. New green shoots broke the loam, and the trees were flowering, purple and white. Thalyssra crossed over to a fallen pillar stretched along the ground and strewn with violet-veined ivy. 

Jaina blinked. Cushions, and wineglasses, and a plank of light food had already been artfully arranged. Either Thalyssra did not notice her hesitation, or chose not to react, for she sat facing the city view, and unstoppered the wine. 

“I don’t know if you realised,” Thalyssra said without turning around. “But you stole a fine vintage for us that day. This has been aged for no less than four centuries.”

They were alone. Jaina cast a quick glance around before removing her mask. Then she moved to sit beside Thalyssra, folding her legs, cross-legged, upon the cushions. She picked up a glass and held it out for Thalyssra to pour the wine. The mask she left on the ground, forgotten. “So, what’s the occasion?”  

“The beginning of the end.” Thalyssra poured one glass, and then the other. She gave the bottle a little twist as she stopped pouring, so as not to spill a single drop. She set the bottle aside. “I’ve just received news that good friend and ally has just been rescued from the Terrace of Order. As we speak, the sigil of the rebellion will be flying over his empty cage.”

Despite the apparent good news, Thalyssra lifted her glass towards Jaina in a mocking salute, before taking a large drink. 

Jaina turned her own glass slowly in her hands, rotating it by the delicate stem. “And yet you sound less than thrilled?”

Thalyssra sighed. She stared into the tide-dark wine of her glass. “I am happy, of course. Finally, we have sparked the rebellion into a wildfire. With it however comes a whole host of other worries.”

“Such as?” Jaina sipped at her wine. There was a heady slope of warmth upon the tongue, more like a mulled wine absent the bite of hard winter spices. 

Reaching into a pocket -- Light only knew where she kept pockets on an outfit like that -- Thalyssra pulled out a folded letter. “I have a meeting with this archmage of yours.” Thalyssra tapped the closed letter against the bowl of her glass. “What was his name again?”

“Khadgar?” 

“Yes. That’s the one.”

Jaina frowned and lifted the glass to her lips for another sip. “How could you not remember his name? I thought you two knew each other.”

The tilt of Thalyssra’s head was inquisitive. “I have never met the man.”

“But -” Slowly Jaina lowered the wine. “That can’t be right. He’s the one who arranged my coming here in the first place. And he said he’d asked you about my condition and whereabouts.”

With a vague wave of her wine glass, Thalyssra said, “I received exactly two letters from the Archmage of the Kirin Tor.” She paused, glancing down at the letter in her hand, then added, “Well, three, actually. If you count the latest correspondence from the warfront.”

“You really just took in a known war criminal without question?”

“Look around,” Thalyssra gestured back towards Shal’Aran, “I’ve surrounded myself with known war criminals. It just depends on who you ask.” 

Jaina laughed, soft and incredulous, and shook her head. “I spent so much of my time here thinking that you were only doing this to curry favour with the Kirin Tor and -- I don’t know -- earn some of their resources for your own means.”

“The same way you thought I was playing both the Horde and the Alliance against one another for my own means?”

“Well, weren’t you?”

Thalyssra’s answering smile glinted with a sharp flash of teeth. “Oh, yes. But that does not mean we cannot hold two opposing ideas in our minds simultaneously. Cunning does not preclude compassion.” 

Being on the receiving end of that look, Jaina could not stop the flush that heated her cheeks. Perhaps it was the wine. She took another drink. As she did so, Thalyssra gazed out towards the city. Despite her smile earlier, she held her jaw taut. 

“You’re worried,” Jaina realised aloud. 

Thalyssra did not answer immediately. She stared out across the night-washed land, her expression clearly visible even beneath the shadow cast by her hood. She worried the letter with her fingers, bright and nimble and rapping the folded parchment against her knee again and again. 

“I have been many things in life. A mage and a teacher before the Sundering. A coward along with the rest of Suramar during the War of the Ancients. A revolutionary only when no other option was available to me. And none of these things help me be a better diplomat.” Thalyssra snorted, a derisive sound. “Most days I feel like a fraud calling myself a leader. What will Tyrande say? My kin of old remember me as one of the Highborne they fought against so bitterly for so long. Worse, they’ll think of my people as relics, ruins of a time when we were great and noble and just, but no longer. How can I possibly convince them Suramar is worth saving?”

Reaching out, Jaina placed her hand over Thalyssra’s to stop her from fidgeting with the letter. Thalyssra’s nervous movements stilled, and Jaina said, "You convinced me that I was worth saving."

Thalyssra snorted softly. "A task for the legends."

"The stuff of heroes.” Jaina looked down at where she stroked the back of Thalyssra’s hand with her thumb. It was easier than meeting her eyes. Even so, when Jaina spoke she could hardly believe the words that came from her mouth. “Even if I might be able to convince Tyrande to drop a ten thousand year old grudge,” she said, "the Kirin Tor have already proven they aren't willing to listen to me. The Alliance are as dedicated to stopping the Legion as any. If all you need to secure their support is to let them think they will be driving away the Legion and destroying the Nightwell in the process, then -”

Jaina let her voice trail off suggestively. Hesitantly, she glanced up to find that Thalyssra was studying her with a veiled expression. “Lady Jaina Proudmoore, are you encouraging me to use the Alliance with the full intention of joining the Horde?”

“I suppose I am.” Jaina grimaced as though a bad taste lingered on the back of her tongue. She tapped her thumb against Thalyssra’s knuckles in faux admonishment before removing her hand. “Don’t make me say it again, though.”

Thalyssra laughed, and the sound was warm, as warm as her gaze. “You’ve come a long way since first we met.”

“Thanks to you. And Oculeth and Valtrois, I suppose,” Jaina added. “Don’t tell them I said that though.”

“Your secret is safe with me.”

“I know.”

Thalyssra tossed the letter aside to refill her own glass, and held up the bottle towards Jaina in a silent question. Jaina held her glass out to be refilled. For a while all they did was drink in peace and comfortable talk, broken only by moments of easy silence. The wooden plank piled with food diminished, and the blunt little knife perched atop it gathered crumbs. 

Night began to sweep towards the dimmed horizon, and far-flung stars dotted the sky. Like this, Thalyssra seemed more in her element than ever, cast all in twilight and dusky hues. It was all too easy to remember her as the withered mimicry of herself from not so long ago. 

Jaina caught herself staring, and looked abruptly away. She buried her nose in her glass. Beside her, Thalyssra leaned forward to pluck one of the last dark grapes from its vine upon the platter, and eat it. The tattoos upon her arms gleamed in the early evening light. 

Mouth dry despite the drink, Jaina said, “Oculeth told me that I should ask you about my tattoos. Do you know what he meant?”

Thalyssra paused, but it was so small a thing that Jaina wouldn’t have noticed if she had not been watching for a reaction. She seemed to mull over her answer. “I told you once that Nightborne have natural markings that are similar across families. That is true. They are hereditary, but unique. They are demarcations of familial resemblance, like height or hair colour.” She reached out to ghost her fingertips across the markings that glowed on Jaina’s cheek. “These are my family’s markings.”

Jaina’s breath caught in her chest as Thalyssra pulled her hand away. “So, every Nightborne who looks at me will think we’re related somehow?”

“In a sense. From what I understand about humans, Nightborne kinship groups are very different. You might call someone a cousin, but we have specific terminology for everyone’s distinct relation to one another. To call Valtrois my cousin, for instance, would be technically correct, but inadequately descriptive.”

“And what would you call her?”

“There is no exact translation. She is my third cousin’s wife’s sister’s niece on her father’s side but my mother’s side.”

Jaina stared at her. “I swear you just said words right then, but Light knows what they meant.”

That earned a laugh. “It means: you have nothing to worry about. The markings don’t have to mean anything, unless you want them to. After all, what other markings was I supposed to give you? I was always under the impression you were going to leave Suramar after your procedures were finished. How many Nightborne would you ever encounter elsewhere that would make this matter?”

The thought of leaving made Jaina’s stomach clench. When she spoke her voice sounded faint even to her own ears. “I could - I could stay. I could help with your Alliance diplomacy.”

"It's kind of you to offer, but that's not why I would want you to stay."

Jaina looked away. She felt a gentle touch at her chin, turning her back to face Thalyssra. Her head was buzzing with warmth and energy, like the thrum of mana beneath her skin. 

“This was a bad idea,” Jaina murmured. “I did not think it would affect me this much.”

“The wine?”

“No,” Jaina breathed. “No, not that.”

Thalyssra had placed her own glass aside. One of her hands still lingered upon Jaina’s chin, and her thumb traced a line just beneath Jaina’s lower lip. “I would have you stay of your own accord. Not because you have nowhere else to go. Not because this is the only path available to you.”

Before she could think about what she was doing, Jaina allowed her own hand to drift up and grasp Thalyssra’s wrist. She did not pull Thalyssra’s hand away, but instead held it in place, maintaining that touch. “I want to. Even for a little while. One day I will have to leave, but until then -”

“You are always welcome here. For as long as you would like.” Thalyssra moved her hand to curl her fingers at Jaina’s jawline, the pad of her thumb brushing the corner of Jaina’s mouth until Jaina almost forgot how to breath. 

“I want them to mean something. The markings,” Jaina admitted in a rush. “I don’t know what exactly that entails, but I want it.”

Thalyssra smile. Her eyes were twilit, and her words were soft. “They can mean whatever you like.”

“Thalyssra, if you don’t kiss me already, I swear I -”

She did. And for the first time in a long time, sitting amongst the ruins of an ancient civilisation, this was a place that felt like home.

[krreader]

forever together.

pairing: min yoongi x reader fandom: bts warnings: teenage pregnancy ; unwanted pregnancy ; mentions of abortion ; language  genre: angst ; fluff

summary: you thought the beginning was hard, but at least back then, you still had a husband you could rely on.

a/n: I almost didn’t give this one a happy ending, but then I was like: ‘people are going to kill me and I will have to write a part 2. but I actually really don’t have time for a part 2′ so I guess thank you university, you are the reason people get a happy ending for this story hahaha. I hope you like this, I actually really enjoyed writing it and I kinda like the outcome so.. yeah! enjoy!

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Having a baby when you're young is hard. Having a baby when you don’t have a degree, money or any kind of other support from anyone else is even harder.

Well, there was one that supported you..

Yoongi and you hadn't been together for too long when it had happened, maybe four months.

Four months and one stupid night that the condom ripped and you were both too stupid to think it wouldn't have consequences. Because let's be real, how often did pregnancies because of a ripped condom actually happen in real life?

Well, maybe you should have looked up a statistic, because two months later, you found yourself crying in the doctors office, Yoongi sitting next to you as he stared at the monitor where a small baby was currently moving around.

His baby. Your baby.

You both knew that the only two options you had were getting rid of it or raising it. It was either all or nothing.

Your families would be furious and you also knew that the possibility of them not supporting you in any way would be high, especially because you knew you would have to drop out of school to have the baby. You would not have a degree, you would not go to college, while Yoongi probably had to drop out as well if he wanted to earn money and support you two.

Truth be told, everything screamed to get rid of the baby.

Everything but that ultrasound picture Yoongi had been holding in his fingers as your head was resting on his shoulder.

“Everyone around us is telling us to get rid of it..”

“I know,” you had said, your voice laced with sadness as you thought back to the conversation you’ve had with your guidance councilor earlier that day.

She had straight up told you to get an abortion because your education was more important than a baby you wouldn’t be able to raise anyways. However this decision wasn't as easy as just 'getting rid of it and then it's done'. This decision would change your life forever, no matter what you'd do. Keep it and you’d be a mother. Get rid of it, you’d probably always be plagued with guilt.

“But.. there is this audition next month for an idol company.. if I could get in there.. if I could become an idol, I could easily support us. The three of us.”

There was the next problem. His dream of becoming a producer. His dream of becoming a rapper. His dream of making it big in the music industry and sharing his music with the world.

You had slowly sat up straight, Yoongi turning his head right away, “If you become an idol.. then there is going to be a point where me and the baby will become a burden, Yoongi. Maybe you'll even leave us when you actually do make it big..”

“Hey, stop this,” he put his hand on your cheek and turned your head back to look at him when you wanted to look away, “I will never leave you. You hear me? Never!”

“Maybe you should.. I'm the one that's pregnant after all, not you. We still haven't told our parents so.. they don't have to know about this baby. That it’s yours, I mean..”

“You think I'm just going to leave you, even though you're pregnant with my child? I'm young and I'm definitely not mature enough to be a dad, but I'm owning up to it. I would never leave you,” and to make it more clear to you that he actually meant every word he had said, he had come up with a glorious plan that also made the decision on what to do regarding the baby an easier one, “Come on.. let's go to the mall.”

“Why?”

But he had simply pulled you up with him and had walked with you hand in hand to the mall, walking into a jewelry store that looked way too expensive for two teenagers.

The employee had seemed to think so as well, looking Yoongi up and down, before he approached you with a fake smile.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh.. yeah.. what's the cheapest ring you have?”

“What are you doing?” you had asked with furrowed eyebrows as he had followed the employee, showing him the cheapest ring they had to offer (which was still fucking expensive, to be honest).

However, Yoongi had saved a bit of money. Initially he had wanted to spend it on music equipment but he knew that from now on he needed to put other things first. Other people..

..starting with you.

“No, Yoongi, this is too expensive..”

“Here,” he handed the employee the money with a small smile, before he got down on one knee without thinking twice about it, the entire store going absolutely mental over how cute it was, “I'm not going to leave you, (Y/N). Instead, I'm going to marry you. And I don't care what the rest of the world says, I want to be the father of your baby, of our baby.. and your husband,” he grabbed your right hand with a small smile, suddenly becoming a bit bashful, “So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, do you..-”

“I do,” you said before he could even finish the sentence, having made your decision the second he had dropped to his knee.

It would be hard, but it would be worth it. You just knew it.

All of that was almost seven years ago now.

Seven years ago since Min Yoongi, a teenager who had no money, no influence and no idea of what he was doing in life, proposed to the girl he had accidentally knocked up, because he hadn’t wanted her to be alone.

Seven years ago, since you, a teenager who, also, had no money, no support and not the faintest idea of what was required to be a mother, said yes to the guy that would be the father of her child, because despite all, she actually did fall in love with him.

And looking back at it, the problems you two had in the beginning were horrible.

Not only did you have parents that didn't support you, but you had no place to live anymore after they had thrown you out, no money and no idea on how you were supposed to raise a baby when having none of these things.

It was when you were almost due, that Yoongi managed to make it into BTS. And even if he wasn't big in the beginning, he at least managed to provide a roof over your heads.

And let me tell you, having the smallest apartment in the universe and having so many people share a room with each other, while a woman with an infant was living there as well was not cool at all.

The boys were surprisingly chill about it, they actually loved your daughter and even the BigHit staff did. True, they hadn't been too excited when they had found out that Yoongi had been hiding a secret wife and kid from them, but your little bean was an angel and she managed to charm them all in the end.

Nowadays, the struggles you were having wasn't about money anymore. It wasn't your living situation anymore and it wasn't your non-existing parenting knowledge that worried you.

It was the fact that with BTS' gaining popularity, you, nor your daughter, had seen Yoongi for over a week. And this wasn’t the first time. This was happening more and more.

And while you could deal with it, Soojin was still a little girl. She didn't understand why her father didn't kiss her goodnight anymore. She didn't understand why he didn't wake her up anymore or why he didn't watch her favorite shows with her anymore. To her, it seemed like her father didn’t love her anymore. Like she had been bad and now he was punishing her..

And so after you had dropped her off at school, you had finally had enough and entered his studio unannounced.

Yoongi turned around, a surprised and worried look on his face, “Is Soojin okay?”

“Apart from the fact that she's been crying for five days straight because you haven't been at home once? Sure. Fantastic,” you crossed your arms in front of your chest.

“It's comeback time,” he turned back around to his computer, “I told you it's busy.”

“Yeah, but you have a kid waiting for you at home, Yoongi. Do you know what she does every single day? She sits in front of the door and waits for you to come home. And every time you don't, she ends up crying..”

He brushed his hands over his face, but quickly shook his head, trying not to think about his crying daughter and instead try to focus on what was in front of him.

“I'll try to come back soon, I promise,” but when he wanted to put his headphones back on, you completely lost it and grabbed them out of his head, nearly throwing them against the wall. Luckily, you had only hit the couch backrest and it had a soft landing.

“You've been promising things for the last month and you’ve never kept them! Not once! What about the performance she had at school that you missed because of comeback? What about the parents evening that you promised me you'd come with me, but didn't because of comeback? What about the fucking weekend trip you've promised Soojin for months, but didn't deliver, because of fucking comeback?”

“So you want to do this, huh?” fine, he had bottled up feelings too, if you wanted to scream at him, so could he, “Do I have to remind you who feeds you two? Who literally built everything for this family, so that you and our child can live comfortably?! Do I have to remind you that it was me that always made sure you and our daughter went to bed with a full stomach? And now this is what you say to me? That I'm the villain, because I'm working my ass off for this family?!” he had since gotten up, staring into your eyes as angrily as you stared into his.

“That's not the fucking point, Yoongi. The point is that you keep making our daughter promises that you can’t keep. That you're her hero, and yet you continuously let her down! She cries every fucking night, because you're not there with us. She cries every damn time I come and pick her up from school, because you're too busy playing superstar, while you have a wife and kid sitting at home waiting for you. She cries every time that I cry, because I can't do this fucking bullshit anymore,” you ended up sobbing halfway through, one hand at your waist while the other was rubbing over your forehead, “I told you this was going to happen.. I told you, one day you wouldn't want us anymore.”

Yoongi had been angry before, genuinely, but seeing you break down because of this.. because of him.. it made him hate himself. Because as much stress as he had, what he hated the most was not being able to be the father and husband you deserved. The father and husband he once used to be.

He knew he had once said he had to get his priorities straight, but now his priorities had shifted and you and his daughter were not his number one priority anymore.

And that broke his heart as much as it broke yours.

He wanted to reach out to you, touch you, comfort you and tell you how sorry he was, but the second he raised his hand, the door got opened and none other than the boss man himself walked in, who had decided that Yoongi should be a part of BTS.

“Yoongi, did you..- Oh. (Y/N).”

You turned your head to the side and quickly wiped away the tears, before you faked a smile at Bang, “Sorry. I didn't mean to distract him from his important work. I'll just get going.”

“(Y/N),” he tried to reason with you, but you had already grabbed your bag and walked back out, leaving a sighing Yoongi behind that fell back down onto his chair.

“What was that about?” Bang asked, concern clear in his voice.

“Remember when you once told me that there would be a day when I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore? Having a family and being an idol?” he turned his head and looked at the picture of you and his daughter on his desk, both of you smiling happily back at him, “That day has come.”

“Soojin.. dinner's ready,” no answer, “Soojin..,” again, no answer. So with an annoyed sigh, you walked into the living room, looking around for a bit before finding her where?

Exactly where you had expected her to be.

“Sweetheart, your father won't be coming home today.”

“But he promised, mommy. He promised when we talked on the phone earlier.”

Yeah, he's making a lot of promises these days. You doubted he’d keep this one.

“Come on, the food will turn cold, otherwise,” you walked over to her and wanted to pull her up, but that was the second that the door unexpectedly got opened and the one you had not thought to show up today really did show up.

“I KNEW IT!” Soojin beamed from ear to ear as she jumped into her father's arms, Yoongi immediately dropping everything to pick her up and cradle her head against his chest, “I knew you'd come, daddy!”

“Sorry I'm so late.. traffic was horrible..”

But you weren't as excited as your daughter was, he could see that.

It wasn't that you weren't happy, it was just that you had this feeling he would leave again in an hour and your daughter would be disappointed again. That was your biggest fear nowadays. Seeing her disappointed and sad. There was only so much you could handle..

You couldn't remember when the last time was that you all had dinner together, but apparently it's been a while, because Soojin did not stop talking. Not even for a second. Not even when you started clearing the table after dinner was over.

As soon as you were in the kitchen, she lowered her voice, so that you wouldn't overhear her, “Mommy cried a lot last week, daddy..”

“She did?”

“I think it was because of you.. she called grandma over and then she just cried.. and then I cried too, because I don't like to see mommy cry.”

Yoongi turned his head, looking at you doing the dishes.

He couldn't remember the last time he kissed you, or even just hugged you.

Why couldn't he remember?

Why had it been so long?

You were his wife, for god's sake. The one that gave him the most precious thing in the world, who was sitting next to him right now.

When was the last time he thanked you for that? Told you how much he loved you?

“Did.. mommy say something to grandma?” like, did they talk about getting a divorce? But he didn’t want to ask her that directly. He didn’t want to worry her unnecessarily.

“No.. but grandma said that you don't love her anymore. And then I told grandma that that's not true, because I know you love mommy and me.. and I know you can't be here because you have fans that are like family to you.”

Like family.

But not actual family, like his daughter and wife were.

Why did he not prioritize you anymore? He used to..

“Love, why don't you pick out a book that I can read to you and I'll talk to mommy for a second?”

She nodded and got up, but midway to her room, she turned back around and smiled at her father, “Daddy?”

“Hm?”

“I'm still proud of you. Every day,” and with that, she happily ran into her room to do what her father asked her to do and he only felt ten times worse now.

She shouldn't be proud of him when he was neglecting her so much.

She deserved so much better.

She deserved the father he was in the beginning, when he still had time for her. When he tucked her in every night and held her when she needed him. When he could easily drop everything and just be there for her.. but now.. god, it was just so hard now to be that man for his beautiful girl.

Nevertheless, quite slowly, he walked into the kitchen and carefully wrapped his arms around you, as if he was scared you would push him away.

Which you did.

“(Y/N), I don't know what to say besides I'm sorry..”

“Then don't say anything,” you closed the dishwasher and put the kitchen towel onto the counter.

“This isn't easy for me either, you know? Knowing that I have you two waiting for me at home. It makes me want to rush my work and then it ends up being shitty and..-”

“So you're blaming your family for it, is that it?” you turned around to look at him, an unimpressed look on your face.

“I'm blaming myself for it,” he said honestly, trying another attempt at being close to you, but this time, only by taking two steps towards you and closing the distance just a tiny bit. Baby steps, “Nobody expected Bangtan to come this far. Nobody. And we're doing things that nobody before us has done and we're reaching for stars that nobody has reached for before us. We have so many dreams that we want to achieve.. we have so many things we want to accomplish and you and I both know if just one of us goes, then it's over for BTS.”

“Every day you walk out of this door is a day closer to the one you're fully going to leave us, Yoongi. And I know you don't see that yet, but I do.. I can feel it..-” you tried blinking away the tears, “I once told you that you would leave me and that feeling never left. In fact, it's now stronger than ever. And the worst thing is, I don't know if I want to fight for something that's already broken..”

That hit him hard..

..to hear you say that you thought your family was broken. But probably only because he knew, deep down, that what you were saying was true.

But even if you wanted to give up and not fight for it, he wanted to. He wanted to fix this and convince you that it could be fixed.

“You always forget what I promised you once,” he hesitantly reached out for your hand and put it in his palm, pointing at the engagement ring on your finger, “I will never leave you. Because.. because despite all, I still love you.”

“I used to believe you when you said that,” you smiled sadly, “But now I know you're only saying that because this,” you raised your hand, meaning your engagement ring, “is the one promise you don't want to break..”

But before you could walk away, he grabbed your wrist and just.. kissed you.

He kissed you because he felt like he had to show you that he meant what he had said. That he still loved you with all his being and that he still wanted to be with you for the rest of his life. But he also kissed you because he just missed you so damn much. Just as much as you missed him. He wanted to be close to you again and feel you against him like this. He wanted to hold you in his arms again and feel your heart beating against his chest..

And you didn't know whether it was because of the heartbreak you had experienced these past weeks, or because you had just yearned so much for a kiss or a touch, but you let him, tears now streaming out of your eyes and ultimately being the cause for him stopping the kiss, his forehead still being pressed against yours though and his arms now being around your waist, holding you tight, as if he was afraid you’d go again.

“I will never let you go, (Y/N). I will never let our daughter go. And I will always be with you, even if I can't be here all the time. As soon as comeback is over, I'll be here, every single day. I don't care about dance practice or anything else, I will be with my family and I will stay with you for as long as they let me. And even though you already have one..-” he got down on his knee just like he had last time, opening up a box with a ring he had picked up on his way here that was way more expensive than the one you wore now, just because now he could afford good quality, “I'm promising you just like I promised you last time. This isn't a marriage proposal, but this is me telling you that I'll never leave you. Ever.”

You didn't say anything right away, not like last time.

But you still smiled a little and even more so when your daughter suddenly came rushing in and said: “IF YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY DADDY, I WILL!”

Both you and Yoongi choked out a laugh that was mostly filled with tears by how emotional you both were.

But tonight was the first night in a long time, that all three of you were lying in your bed and holding each other.

And for the first time in ages, it felt like everything would be okay again.

Like you'd manage, somehow.

You always had and you always would.

As long as you were together.