#now i save every paragraph i make before going forward

[ninoucheuuuh]

I will be okay - Octavia's Song

Well, i'm-not-talking-to-my-parent-kids, IF THIS ISN'T OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM

I feel like her song deserves more posts and more longer ones because it was amazing and so hurtful at the same time, and because i was so exited to hear it and well, I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED OBVIOUSLY 💜✨️

(put this here if you want to listen to it again 💜🫶🏻✨️)

I'm going to start with the instrumental :

When the guitar started, I SCREAMED SO HARD, LIKE IT'S THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN WAINTING FOR, WE'RE HERE ✨️✨️✨️

I reaaaaally love the melody. It's composed by very simple chords but it hits SO FUCKING HARD.

It starts with a very soft guitar, it's the start of her confession, of the spread of her feelings. Like she started to let it out a little.

And then, BAM, THAT FUCKING BREATH. ACAPELLA, NO MUSIC. THE BREATH THAT SAYS EVERYTHING. NO WORDS NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND. All her pain, like she's suffocated by the words she kept so long. Am I the only one with tears in the eyes and a pain in the heart everytime I hear this sigh ?

And then the drums start (the transition like oh myyyyy) and the piano just like little sparkles ✨️ And you fell she starts to feel freer in the song. Especially with that beautiful "OOOOooooOOOOooooh" that leads us to a more angrier Octavia (let it out baby 😔❤️)

And after that beautiful lament, we have also an angrier instrumental with the drums, the piano (no more single notes but chords) and that electric guitar ✨️ And with her grungy voice everything feets soooo well ❤️✨️

The music when she says "You were wrong" (at 1:09) INJECT IT IN MY VEINS PLZ 🙏🏻 Same for the guitar at 1:20 when there's the explosion.

AND THEN AGAIN IN THE CHLORUS AT 1:28 THE GUITAR 😭❤️🙏🏻✨️ It gives me tears 🥹❤️ Like a lament and like it goes lower

Also when she says "And when you'll gone I will be okay" it gives me soooo much Creep by Radiohead vibe, especially the "okaaaaaaaay" which sounds so similar to the "weirdoooooooo" and I love it because I think that this vocal is so beautiful ❤️✨️

And then again the guitar (so beautiful 🥹❤️🙏🏻) before the heart's scream

And when she sings there's those little high-pitched notes on the piano and the drums (amazing ✨️)

And it's calm again, the guitar only, like in the begging. It's the end of this escape, we come back in that little closet with Via and her guitar. Those notes, so soft, to highlight her beautiful voice, so sweet, like a caress for the ears, so real, so painful 🥺💔✨️

Also, obviously, the song in general gives a "You will be okay" vibe

(Well, I know it's not a very accurate analysis, it could be more specified but well. It's more a "what I feel while listening to it" and English is not my native language so it's more difficult for me to express exactly what I have in mind. But it's something that I really like to do with one of my friend with songs that we love sooooo)

Now, the lyrics and that beautiful voice that got my heart 🥹❤️✨️ :

Your boxes packed up on the bed Your words are in my head Tellin' me it will be okay You'll remember what you said Or was it just another lie ? [Sigh]

Obviously, the "you will be okay" ref yet. The confort words of her dad are still stuck in her head. And her voice, sooooo beautiful 🫶🏻✨️ When she's reaching higher notes, her voice is so soft. The way she's saying "youuuuu saaaaid" is so pure, same for "just another lie", it also highlights these words. I'd like to focus especially on that line.

The fact that she's says "another lie" is interesting, because that's implying that there are far many more than 1 or 2. Well, of course, the most obvious is the "Will you go with him and leave me behind ?" one. I don't think that she really places Stolas's lullaby as a lie - what i mean is that it's not a huge one -, because later in the song, she says it herself, "I will be okay". Even though it's difficult, she's strong enough to face it.

In my opinion, I think that she may have realised that something was wrong, long beforce the divorce and all. Because, first, she had kind of clues in Loo Loo Land. I'm thinking about this moment :

"She's always been... I haven't been... We weren't in..." Even if Stolas fails explaining to Via what's wrong with Stella, there are still words that call the attention. Especially the "always". It's not recent. Also, I think that Stella and Andrealphus' recent reactions may lead her to that point. Yes, Octavia can't even imagine what Stolas has endured with her mother for sure. Stolas never told her about their problems before. But she's not stupid, and I think she may suspect deeper problems. The "another lie" is a big package for all failed promises and non-told things.

And I must mention again that deep sigh again because it's so hurtful and doesn't fail represent her feelings 🥺💔

This place that used to be your home Would you call me on the phone ?Will I hear your voice in the middle of the night when I turn off the lights ? Or are you just another ghost ?  Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

"When I turn off the lights" her voice is so pure and sweet when she sings high notes ✋️😔✨️ Again a cute reference to Loo Loo Land in that line, when she's calling Stolas in the middle of the night and he comes to confort her with the lullaby ❤️✨️

Using the word "ghost" was really to ripp our hearts, wasn't it ? 😭💔

And that BEAUTIFUL "OOOOoooOOOOooooh" SO MAJESTIC ❤️✨️ Like a scream. The grown sigh of the first verse, because she's starting to let it all out, it's taking more and more place. Barrett Wilbert Reed, my english is too bad to explain the amazing artist you are 🫵😔❤️✨️

How could you lie to my face ? And did our time mean nothing to you ? Were you bluffing all along ? That you would be there to see Yourself forgiven by me If you thought that I'd take it, you were wrong Oh, you were wrong

My my my, the way she sings that "all alooOOoong" is just amazing. And she has that kind of grungy voice just- sorry i'm just dying right now her voice is incredible 😭❤️✨️ Also the two "you were wroooOOOooong" are just killing me. You feel that she's angry. Because she feels abandoned, betrayed and because she feels like Stolas doesn't trust her enough to tell her clearly the things. And you feel that she's so in pain, so angry and so sad at the same time. The second "wrong" feels like a tear, you can almost hear a paper ripped in pieces 😭💔

Again we find all those stuff about the lies etc like before. Also, she wants to show that even tough she's hurt, she's strong enough to face it. But i will come to it in the chorus.

And when you're gone, I will be okay I will be okay, though I'll never be the same And I'll know that I was right to doubt you I'll grow without you, and you'll only know my name

The way she sings the two first line, so confident, is amazing. 💜✨️ And HERE, in her voice, even in the way she moves (her clenched fist), she shows that she IS strong. She's not anymore the little girl she was. She's confident. She assumes her pain, that Stolas' decision and hers will change her forever, but she will get up.

And that's clearly a thing that Stolas don't understand, and we see it by the way he talked about the divorce with her : he said nothing. Why ? He wanted to shelter her. Yes, as a parent, your role is to shelter you child. But comes a time where your child is old and mature enough to understand and bear tough subjects. And Via is totally ready to hear Stolas' story with Stella.

And when you're a child and your parents keep saying that you can't handle it, it's fucking horrible and make you so mad. And I know it by experience, as a divorced-parents-child. Aaah, the "It doesn't concern you, it's between your mother/father and I." Well, fuck you, because i'm the first victim of that fucking shitty relationship, I have the right to know what is happening. And Via must feel the same.

The way she sings the two last lines is so heartbreaking. 😭💔 You can feel that it comes from the deepth of her lungs. She's letting it out, all her pain, all her anger. Let it out my precious girl, let it out 🫶🏻😔❤️✨️ And her voice is so beautiful god, kinda grungy. It brings tears in my eyes everytime 🥺😭💔✨️

And, one of my three favourite lines, the most powerful one in my opinion : "I'll grow without you and you'll only know my name".

First, because it's just awful : they'll spend one hundred years without seeing each other. They have such a bond since the first day of her life. And all of this would be ruined. And it's just- so sad and hard that i can't hold my tears ✋️🥺

Second, because as a i'm-not-talking-to-my-father-child, it feels so relatable. I feel it so deep and so real. And i know that my fellows feel it also 🫵✨️

In short, I took the decision to not seeing/talking anymore to my dad for 4/5 years now. I just kept contact with my half-sister and my half-brother. He was a bitch to my mother all the time they spent together (it's really in short okay 😭) and in the year when they divorced (i was still talking to him), I barely saw him because he was going to see her girlfriend in another country (but like, ALL the weekends, of course he didn't sleep home, and when i called him he was not answering). We were close, but not that much, and i can say that during that year where i only saw him a little, I felt a distance. And then, when he threw my mother out, I choosed to not see him anymore. Recently, I've been to my sister's wedding (i was so fucking scared to go because i was terrified to see my grandmother again) and i saw him again. He didn't even come to say "hello" (i wasn't hurt don't worry, just suprised). And when I thought that yes, I'm a stranger to him now. Even if he loves me stil - which honestly i don't fucking know and i don't fucking care -, he doesn't know me anymore. He's missing the most important years of my life, where i changed a lot and i discovered completely myself, etc. Now, he doesn't know my tastes, my favourite colour, my friends, how i'm doing at school... He only knows my name.

And that's exactly what may happen between Stolas and Octavia. And the way she sings it makes it even more heartbreaking 💔

You always told me I'd be okay Well, I'll be okay, though I'm not okay today But my tears won't fall upon your shoulder I'll just get older and you'll only know my name

That verse. Her voice. So soft, so broken, so painful. Those sweet high notes with that soft guitar- my heart can't handle it 😭💔

The "though i'm not okay today" really shows her strength. She's not at her best now, and all those events have hurt her. But she will be okay. She will get back on het feet. She's brave enough and you feel the resilience and the confidence in her voice 💜🫶🏻✨️

My other favourite line : "But my tears won't fall upon your shoulder". With her voice, so soft, so sweet, so pure, reaching those lovely and painful high notes and the sound of her tears dropping. The line itself is just heartbreaking. You will no be here anymore to confort me, so I will find an other way to confort me on my own. You feel her pain 😭💔

And just to stab our hurt even more : "I'll just get older and you'll only know my name", always with that beautiful and heartbreaking voice 💔

I'm not going to talk about the animation because, well, that post is long enough and some people have already done that better than i would, but i put some screeshots here just for the pleasure :

Look how beautiful she is i love her so much 💜🫶🏻✨️

The animation is so sad with the "Or are you just another ghost ? OOOOoooOOOoooh" I sobbed while re-watching it 🥺😭

We don't talk enough about this part THE ANIMATION WAS INSANE LIKE MIND BLOWING ✨️✨️✨️ (it reminds me so much Just Look My Way, when Stolas holds the moon and the "camera" turns around him).

This song is amazing and so powerful. The voice, the interpretation, the instrumental, the references, the fact that it's a reponse to Stolas' Lullaby... I relate to it so much, and I'M PROUND to be represented by Via, my girl 💜🫶🏻✨️

"You will be okay", "I will be okay", you know what comes next : if they don't do a fucking duet when they'll make up, i swear i will put my city on fire. Bryce and Barrett have such amazing voice, and a duet will be just like a blessing - and the dead of us but don't worry, we will be okay 👌🏻✨️

[vyladerz]

Season 8 didn't start off with a whole ton of hope. In fact it furthered the continuation of the poor characterization from season 7 with the addition of convoluted lore writing. However, after watching the last episode of this season, this show has restored my faith in it. It's like everything clicked together seamlessly, in a way I haven't seen from this show in a long time.

Now, I had a paragraph of complaints when I first wrote this but I'm choosing to let them go.

"So?"

Who knew the most devastating line in this show would be said with only one syllable. My heart sank down to the pit of my stomach when I first heard Sam say it. Oh man, Jared does such an incredible job at his wounding portrayal of Sam in this scene. This is by far his best performance ever (I'm getting choked up here just visualizing the scene in my mind). Sam's soul was purely human here and what a fragile soul at that. His guilt has manifested into a physical sickness and it's so haunting to see. Dean's reaction and apology elevates this moment to a song of sweet harmony. A duet between two sorry brothers who must put aside grudges and feelings of inadequacy to come together as whole. Finally they are able to see eye to eye after so many brutal instances of them being world's apart. A scene like this understands what Supernatural is to its core.

I wish I had more words to describe everything but I'd need more time. Still, god what a memorable scene. It's become my absolute favorite and I'm both intrigued and terrified to see if another scene later on can top it.

Okayyyy so what else did I enjoy?

-The ending was gorgeous with all the angels falling. (I constantly think about when I'm making fake edits in my mind.)

-I love Charlie episodes. I knew I would fall in love her immediately from the start. I'm glad she got some backstory to add some dimension to her character. She's a character I can definitely see getting far in the show.

-I LOVE BENNY! I miss Benny. Absolutely devastated, will not recover from losing him. Sadly, his character was always destined to be a tragedy. Even so, I will forever long for a happy ending for him. The wound is still fresh though so moving on.

-The whole "I need you" scene between Dean and Cas was everything to me and I will savor that scene forever. I will be craving another scene like this going forward. The desperation and intensity drawn from that moment is what I need more of from this show.

-The Parallels between Castiel and Sam this season was UGH so great. They're so willing to sacrifice every bone in their body not for the world (they can tell themselves that) but to save Dean from disappointment. Beautiful symmetry here.

-Sam and Crowley's dynamic is so fascinating. Crowley being slowly restored of his humanity is something I wouldn't have imagined possible in this show. Having Sam, the man who knows the path of forgiveness more than anyone else be the one to do it is perfect. Such an unlikely duo I'm excited to see explored.

-SARAH?? I didn't expect to see Sarah again whatsoever cause 1.) I thought the show would've just moved on and forgotten Sam's promise to return. 2.) I've unfortunately ran into a lot of spoilers but I never saw anyone talk about this so I really didn't expect it at all. I wish their moment lasted longer with more of a kick to Sam's character. I did cry, a lot, so if they wanted an emotional torment they got it. I'm still glad this scene exists though even after my pain and agony.

I really love this show, I hope that comes across here. I started watching Supernatural this year after years of peeking at it through window blinds. Every song reminds me of these silly fictional characters and everywhere I go I see a Supernatural reference. This series means the world to me and the mold in my brain. I know I'm new here spouting things that have been said before, for what, over 15 years? I'm just catching up to the surface of everything. For this review I wanted to leave my complaints for another time so I could romanticize all the good things that have happened and are to come. So if my next ranking is more criticism than praise, then so be it. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't at least fun!

[hdusa]

that was my first time watching a lifesteal stream in like 6 months i dont know what is going on in season 5 at all . the red sky was kinda awesome. guns were scary. i hope u kill more people soon ^_^ will be trying 2 tune in more - @renchant

I can try to summarize the entire season in like 3 paragraphs it’s going to be so terrible and long I’m so sorry watch me do it here we go

So basically… lifesteal season 5 begins…. There’s a group called the PMC that consists of MinuteTech LeoWook and ClownPierce and since they’re all big strong men they beat up every other team on the server. Eventually the PrinceZam + Pangi pirate team group up with Gucci Gang (Bacon Parrot Mapicc) to beat them up because they’re really strong and scary. Eventually Clown stops logging on so they feel the need to form a new team called the Phantoms with Vitalasy Jumper and Reddoons and they go around jumping people by staying logged out and then all logging in at the same time after someone’s lured to a location. It got them a PrinceZam kill but they failed against Mapicc and Bacon. Tons of fights happen that are just PMC vs Gucci Gang + Me or LaLa Legion (Spoke Ash Ro Planet) vs Us or whatever. Eventually new members get added, Squiddo Pentar Jepex Wemmbu. There’s a gay wedding between Parrot and Ashswag. Squiddo kills the entire server at a birthday party. I made 200 backup maxed out armor sets. Midmystic makes Pangi and I an awesome pirate base and lastly a chunk of the server lowkey stop logging on.

Because of the void left by the players that are now gone (Parrot, Vitalasy kinda, Reddoons, Poafa, Woogie, Vort3x etc) Mapicc and I have no choice but to find a way to make things awesome again. We build a void trap at spawn and try to lure Minute and Planet over, successfully killing Planet (this is ok because he’s a 20 heart monster this season btw!!) Bacon joins us and decides we need two extra members so we invite Pentar and JumperWho as well. Together we formed a team called The Abyss, a group of players that want to revive the server by destroying it. By making ourselves the big bads of the server every time people logged on their goal was to kill us so that we’d stop making our void hole at spawn bigger. They tried other things like filling the hole with water and obsidian but those all got fixed relatively fast. One of the things they did was find my secret base and steal all 200 of my armor sets. This made me really mad so I destroyed the entire PMC base. After months of constant fighting over this big dumb hole to the void at spawn eventually we come up with an end goal. We were going to turn the entirety of spawn island into void. While working on this insanely large project we get jumped and after like 5 battles where Planet just keeps dying but his teammates live, he bans himself in the void hole. Before doing so he asks what our goal is so I told him activity, and he says “well in that case I guess in a way I’ve beat you”. This was like cold asf so we immediately switch gears deciding we need to make our plan way awesomer and cooler so we add a puzzle for them to solve!! It’s super long and if they couldn’t finish it in 7 days the entirety of spawn would be turned to void. Our team immediately got to work running big bedrock break machine and cleaning out layer after layer. However, as this is all happening Wemmbu Squiddo and 4CVIT reveal that they have a massive canon that will blow up literally EVERYTHING on the server unless we give them 50 hearts. They blows up 4Cs entire beautiful base to show they’re not joking around. Minute and his group are able to find the canon and break it saving the server but for a moment the entire server was united against Wemmbu and his team. The Abyss goal was completed before our final project even began which sucked, but we kept moving forward. To get people interested Minute (temporarily) added Rekrap2 Back To The Server!!!! He was here to help them finish the puzzle and after a week of us racing to void everything while they solve our puzzles, it was over and they had won. The 5 of us now had to jump into the void but that’s when JumperWho revealed she had been a mole the whole time. For 3 months of constant work on the void hole, she was betraying us. Relaying everything to Minute and his team. Filled with rage Mapicc decided to bomb her base but ended up with Clown Leo Minute Jumper and potentially more on him. I came to help but I wasn’t ready to fight Jumper, somebody I’d been allies with for 3 months. I managed to escape but I couldn’t believe it. Afterwards Pentar also left our team leaving just Mapicc Bacon and I.

The next paragraph is basically everything that’s happened since so basically the last month or so. To fix the lack of order on the server players could now run for God! Mapicc, Minute, Squiddo and 4CVIT/Reddoons decided to run. Simultaneously Branzy was now working on a carnival which was really cool! During one of the games I rigged it so that Jumper would die which was silly revenge but then for serious revenge me and Mapicc tried jumping her. Unfortunately she got Minute to save her leading to us losing badly. Afterwards the presidential god stuff starts taking priority and to campaign we ask a bunch of people to vote for us. In the end we came 2nd place, and Pentar as well as Pangi voted against Mapicc. Pentar made sense since he never said he would vote Mapicc, but Pangi had quite literally betrayed all of our trusts by voting for Squiddo. Also Minute came dead last despite helping everyone on the server regear and also saving them from void and the canon which is hilarious. The winners were 4C and Reddoons who instead of actually running themselves chose to give their presidency to CaptainSparklez! It takes him a while to join and during that time period to fill the lack of things going on Mapicc and I start an all out war against Jumper. It started with a silly spar against MinuteTech that ended up turning into a 2v2 against Jumper as well. We got them to run the first time around but the 2nd time we just lost badly. The next day Jumper said she’d deliver stone from Vitalasys old base to Midmystic so we hid in Vitalasys base all day long. It was taking a while so I changed my discord pfp and name to match Mids and got her to log on 😭😭. Once she showed up we killed her. Minute logged on and she ended up coming back but we escaped with me on the brink of death. Because of this they were angry angry at us but we didn’t care we wanted to make them more mad. We started base hunting and found Minutes somewhat old base for the anti abyss people. While searching the base Minute showed up so Mapicc got there and we 2v1d him. During the fight we spawned a wither in the base bombing the area and revealing a third of the 200 armor sets I had stolen from me during the void arc!!! Eventually Jumper showed up so we decided to run away taking our win. But after this we had another fight where they jumped us at my base and we ended up losing after an extremely long and hard fought battle. Before this I forgot to mention but Bacon Mapicc and I brainstormed a team name as well as an end goal, SPOILERS NO LIFESTEAL MEMEBRS READ BEYOND THIS!!!!

STOP IT! DO NOT READ AHEAD LIFESTEAL MEMBERS!!!

Essentially we wanted to reset the server to how it was on day one, breaking apart every team and then resetting every area back to how it looked on day one. With this goal in mind I realized we’d need to actually be able to kill people so I needed to get past being on 9 hearts. 4C/Red made hearts literally uncraftable so I had to kill. This segment is really cool there’s a 10 or 20 minute clip of everything that happens and if I tried to explain it I wouldn’t do it any justice but I’m sure somebody will link it below. Anyway after the awesome clip moment I’m evil now so I try to kill Pangi. I lead him to our old day one base and get him to help me repair it but he is wayyy too sus of me. I eventually muster up the courage to block off the bases exits and ask him over and over why he voted Squiddo, as this was supposed to be revenge for that. However, MinuteTech logs on and arrives at the base leading to them 2v1ing me but I end up escaping. We scream at each other before I leave to set up a new base. Later that night Pentar calls with Mapicc and I to join our team. Thanks to him I’m basically able to fully regear myself after losing almost everything to all the fights we had with Minute and Jumper. I end up on 12 hearts by this point and I think that’s most the shenanigans wrapped up, all that’s left is the captain sparklez stuff which this specific asker has already seen I think. For anyone else I personally believe this should be vod watched!! Up to you of course but I’m sure someone else on here would be willing to summarize that specific event sometime.

I spent an hour writing this on my phone before bed and I can’t believe it took this long. I thought it’d be shorter. Sorry!

[emilicorail]

[Genshin Impact] Who was Coppelius and what are his masterpieces ?

Finally ! It is time for me to talk about THIS GUY. Before getting into theories and speculations (because this game never ceases to surprise us with its absurdly huge lore and foreshadowing) it would be a great thing to start with the beginning and by this I mean : Who is he ?

Coppelius was a musician and playwright that lived in Fontaine around 500 years prior to the game's events, before the cataclysm. Almost nothing is known of his life before becoming what we could consider the most famous artist of the nation, but a well hidden element can help us imagine how his childhood was. In Dwight Lasker’s office, located in the ruins of the Institute of Natural Philosophy, we can find this little paragraph at the beginning of his Ancient Notes :

“...Though it's a shame, we'll have to miss it. I was looking forward to Coppelius’ new work. Ever since he was a child, he's always been incredibly talented…”

We can understand that Dwight Lasker knew Coppelius as a child, which could mean that he was also an orphan that grew up in the Narzissenkreuz Institute in the same time period, along with Basil Elton, Karl Ingold and Emanuel Guillotin. (If only there was more information about that !)

Coppelius had a troupe and we learned through the instrument maker Giovanni, Patrono of the Pascale Family at Petrichor, that the family’s ancestors used to be the luthiers who tuned the troupe’s instruments. But who knows if they traveled to other nations ? Talking about Petrichor, this is where we can find one of his descendants : Goldoni. This woman also aims to be recognized as a great playwright. Please go talk to her, she's saying very interesting things !

Now let's see some of Coppelius’ plays, starting with “Golden Hyperborea”. This one depicts the story of a homesick flower (a Lumidouce Bell, referred to as “Weeping Crystal”) who wanders in the freezing lands of the north, which suggests : Snezhnaya. This is where its beauty is made eternal by the icy winds. It is important to note that for Fontainians this flower is said to represent parting and the wish for reunion…

If we follow the critics of his time, this play perfectly aligns with the author's obsessions. It was said that Coppelius gave a great importance to eternal beauty and eternal love, an obsession that can be found in every line of his last works, which also includes “Clockwork Coppelia”.

"There is no absolute good or evil, only absolute beauty and ugliness. And that which makes beauty is eternal love…”

–Coppelius’ words, given to us by Goldoni.

If you are familiar with the lore, the second one will probably remind you of something, this is “Parsifal”. This play is about the eponymous elusive thief from Mondstadt’s old history, and of course the Blue-Eyed Spear Witch. This story inspired two other famous and very special artists from Fontaine : Parsifal the great and her assistant Josephine, they lived around 500 years ago, like the author.

Most of his plays show his interest for history, the next one is “The Saga of Aurelius” that we can read about in the “Silvershower Heartstrings” weapon.

People are unsure about Aurelius' existence, mostly believing that he was invented, just like Ajax (Really?) but in reality, he was one of the four Harmosts of Remuria. Through time, the uncertainty explains why there are a lot of variations for the Harmost’s story. As for the script Coppelius wrote, Aurelius was “a hero as glorious as gold, who conquered countless traitorous nations and cities for Fontaine”.

Some of the other interpretations of the story say that Aurelius and his troops went to the Pine Forest (Dryas Woods) where the protagonist met a young maiden : Dryastis. Some say that she saved him from his foes and took his hand, asking him to take away the conflict and sorrow from this land. And others, that she gave him her bow only for him to get killed by traitors later. Or even, that Aurelius’ passion for Dryastis was so strong that he pursued her in the forest and that she fled to the riverbank, weeping to her pure-water mother, the ruler of the Many Waters. The divinity took pity on her fate, and turned her into a pine tree to escape.

Another play, “Masque of the great”, is mentioned by Goldoni but we don't have any information yet. I first thought it might be about the story told in “the fall of the faded castle” because of its references to “The Masque of the Red Death” by Edgar Allan Poe but we know a Great historical figure who wore a mask : Remus.

There's more of his works that we don't know about yet, or some already named plays which are not clearly attributed to him in-game.

But his greatest, most interesting and famous play is the last one that could not be performed to completion, “Clockwork Coppelia”. You can partially read this one in the “Flowing Purity” weapon !

The character Coppelius, whose name is the same as the playwright, created an automaton : Coppelia. Because he committed an unclarified sin he was chased and his plan was finally exposed to the marechaussee. He bids farewell to Coppelia before his punishment, asking her to sing for him one last time. But she does not want to sing of this sin and inevitable punishment, she says that everything he pursues is illusory, as hollow as stage scenery.

Later in the play, Coppelia is traveling with a young man named Nathaniel. She explains to him why she travels, that she is searching for her creator even if she believes him to be dead. The clockwork lady says that all sin will be forgotten once her rusted gears return to the same ash as Coppelius’ bones. Nathaniel asks Coppelia what she exactly plans to do, she reveals that her heart was stained by the same sin during this journey. What we know of the incomplete play ends with Coppelia wondering how her tortured heart could even find peace.

The first and last representation of this play coincides with its author's death. When Coppelius presented “Clockwork Coppelia” at the theater it was interrupted during the first intermission because of the Cataclysm. Only few spectators survived the destruction of the opera theater and it is only through them that some parts of Coppelia’s story are still known.

After five hundred years, this unfinished tragedy can be seen come to life as the Icewind Suite, the duo of automatons inspired by the play.

According to Maillardet, the researcher from FRIKEE who built them, the idea first came from the director Bossuet. But honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he stole this idea from someone else because it already happened…Since he was forced to resign from his role as a director, Maillardet took over the project. However, this engineer wanted to achieve something different by creating the Artificed Dancers, it gradually strayed from the first idea and became this world Boss we now know.

Maillardet also adds his bits of story from what he understands of it, about “how Coppelius was defeated in a war against temptation, and was thus punished” and how Coppelia, in her love, nearly died of grief and set on a journey to save her imprisoned creator. But he also says that no matter the drama, it must end in a lovers’ dance.

[hillerska-official]

Thoughts having finished the whispering skull:

Having caught up to where the show was cancelled I can now say that largely I prefer the show, if only because there are a million and one problems raised for me in the first two books by Lucy's internalized misogyny. I just wrote a huge paragraph about it before remembering this was meant to be a short post, so I deleted it and I'll leave it at that. Maybe I'll make a big long post about it once I finish the rest of the books.

I obviously don't know what's actually going to happen with the skull going forward but I think it's very interesting that the show, after being mostly very faithful to the books, would totally change up what happens and have the skull look in the bone glass. Kinda wonder where they were going with that, although maybe I can piece that together once I know where the books go lol

Also George Cubbins being so nearsighted it saves all their lives u will always be famous

All in all I think that the show was a super well done adaptation between mediums, every change I noted I could immediately also tell the reason for it, except like 1 or 2 bigger things, but given how much sense all the rest of the changes made in context I kind of trust they would have come together smoothly? I guess we'll never know 🙄

[xomakara]

The Highlights of Romance

THoR Chap. Masterlist | Previous | Next

Chapter length - 2,132 words A/N - saving the smut for the next chapter lolol. Oral (female receiving/male giving) in this chapter though.

Chapter 008 - Getting Off

"Fuck." You ran a hand through your hair. Ever since you've shared kisses with Mark, it was getting harder to contain your raging libido. The mere thought of him alone sent tingles down your spine. Every single touch he gave you brought an electric shock to your system.

"I'm never going to finish writing at this pace. Shit." You muttered, sighing. You occupied a table at the cafe you and Mark went to and took another sip of coffee, closing your eyes. "Guess I'd better try and come up with something new..."

"Hey Y/N." The familiar voice broke your train of thought.

You cracked one eye open to see an excited smile plastered on Mark's face. He had an adorable glint in his eyes as he looked at you, causing your stomach to flip upside down.

"Hi." You managed to squeak out, your throat suddenly dry. Mark slid on the chair from across you, his hand reaching for yours.

You took hold of his hand, giving him a warm smile. After sharing a few kisses, breathless ones at that, your heart was filled with joy whenever you saw him. It was obvious that you were falling for him quickly. Maybe even faster than you imagined. As much as you wanted to deny it, you knew that there was something between you both.

"Did you miss me?" Mark lightly chuckled, causing you to roll your eyes playfully.

"Maybe..." You shrugged, smiling widely.

Mark leaned in, pressing his lips against yours. "Good."

Your eyes fluttered shut as you responded to his kiss.

Slowly sliding away, he grinned, gazing at you. "Now tell me what you have in mind."

"Hmm..." You hummed, fiddling with the edge of your notebook. "Nothing...My mind is still throwing a blank."

"Let me see what you have written so far." Mark grabbed your notebook and read through the first few paragraphs. "Hmm...were you thinking of writing a sexy scene? This whole kissing scene looks good and all..."

You bit your lower lip as you watched him read through your notebook. "So...you don't have any ideas?"

Mark gazed at you, fingers entwined with yours. "I might have something up my sleeve..."

"Oh?" You raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it's something that I haven't tried yet." Mark grinned mischievously, tapping his chin. "But I think it'll be worth trying out."

You stared at him curiously. "Try out what?"

Mark flashed you a charming smile. "Can't tell you that, can I?"

You blinked, before letting out a laugh. "I guess not..."

"Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough." Mark laughed lightly, leaning in towards you. "But first, let's finish our coffee. Then, I can show you what I have planned."

"Okay." You smiled, sipping your coffee while talking about your day.

Moments later, you both reconvened to Mark's apartment. He sat on the couch, stretching his arm along the backrest, facing you.

"So, here's what I have in mind..." Mark explained, leaning forward, planting his elbows on his knees. "Let me help you get off."

"Wh-what?" You blinked, confused.

Mark grabbed your hand to pull you towards him. Leaning in closer, he planted a gentle kiss on your forehead.

"You heard me. Let me help you get off." He breathed, making you heave a deep sigh. "I'm guessing you haven't been progressing with your work because of your sex drive, am I right?"

You huffed out a breath. "Yeah, you could say that."

"Well then, I'll do my best to satisfy your needs." Mark smirked, running his hands along your thighs. "And trust me, I can definitely help with that."

"Are you sure?" You questioned, raising an eyebrow. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do, Mark. I know when we agreed on this, sex wouldn't be our priority, but-"

"Stop." Mark placed a finger on your lips. "Just stop worrying about things. Just relax, alright? I want to do this."

You nodded, looking up at him. "Alright..."

Mark smiled gently, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. "Come here."

When you got closer, Mark wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close to him. His lips pressed against your own, kissing you gently. You let out a soft moan, your arms wrapping around his neck. His hands began to roam up and down your back, sending chills down your spine. Slowly, he slid his hands under your shirt, tracing your skin. Your lips parted slightly, moaning louder when he caressed your breasts.

You arched your back slightly, pressing your chest against his. A jolt of pleasure coursed through your body as his hands brushed against your nipples. Before you could react, he started to unbutton your jeans, allowing his hand to slip inside.

Mark's eyes widened as he felt how wet you already were. God, you weren't wearing a bra today. Of course he would feel how aroused you were!

"H-how are you so wet already?" He stammered, looking at you in confusion.

"I've been like this ever since we started kissing." You replied with a grin, turning to look at him. "Don't blame me if I have wet panties."

"Jesus..." Mark cursed, resting his forehead against yours. "There's really no stopping this now, is there?"

"No." You laughed softly, tilting your head towards him. "Why don't you start by taking my jeans off?"

Mark's lips parted, staring at you in disbelief. "You...you want me to...?"

"Mark...You're the one who wanted to help me..." You whispered, running your hands up and down his arms. "Take my jeans off."

With trembling hands, Mark took your jeans off, revealing your bare ass. A slight gasp escaped his lips as he saw your wetness leaking from your pussy. Quickly, he lowered himself onto his knees, wrapping his hand around your leg.

"Mmm..." You moaned, watching him move his hand up and down your leg.

"Is this okay?" Mark asked, concern clear in his voice. "If it isn't, just tell me and I'll stop. I just wanted to make sure that this is something you wanted."

"Yes." You smiled, leaning in towards him. "What happened to all that confidence from earlier? Are you afraid that you won't be able to please me?"

Mark chuckled, rubbing your thigh. "You are more sexually experienced than me. So, yeah, I'm worried."

"Don't be. I trust you." You assured him. "Besides, the best way to learn is by doing, right?"

"Right." Mark replied, squeezing your leg affectionately. "Here goes nothing."

Mark slowly lowered himself down, placing his mouth on your inner thigh. He teased you with light kisses and nibbles, causing you to squirm. Your legs spread wider apart as you leaned back against the couch, enjoying every second of Mark teasing you.

"Mmm...Mark...mmm..." You mumbled, licking your lips. "Please...mmm..."

"Do you want me to go further?" Mark whispered, his lips grazing against your thigh.

"Yes, Mark. Yes." You whimpered, grinding yourself against his face.

Mark closed his eyes as you slid your hand between your legs, moving them over your clit. He didn't say anything else, he simply continued his action, gently sucking your clit into his mouth. You let out a moan, bucking your hips into his face, your hands moving higher to wrap around his head.

Mark gasped as you increased the pressure, keeping his lips on your clit, sucking it into his mouth, while stroking it. The feeling was almost indescribable. You always enjoyed oral sex, but the fact that Mark was doing this to you caused an intense sensation that you never felt before.

His fingers dipped into your pussy, tracing your wet folds. You held his hair tighter as he continued to lick and suck your sensitive clit. Your breathing became heavier as Mark continued, moving his fingers in and out of your pussy. Every time he did that, you let out a moan, arching your back further, seeking more pleasure.

"Mark..." You whimpered, tightening your grip on his hair. "Mmm, fuck yes!"

Mark sucked harder, moving his fingers faster, going deeper. The pleasure was unlike anything you've ever felt. Every touch felt electrifying and caused your whole body to tense. With every moan and groan, your walls clenched tightly around his fingers, pulsating each time. You couldn't control it anymore; you came, climaxing loudly as you released the tension.

Mark kept licking your clit, making you keep orgasming. Over and over again, you cried out, pushing your hips into his face, coating his face and lips in your own juices. Never in your life has anyone made you cum like this. Never in your life had you squirted like this either. Even though you were exhausted, you felt amazing. You couldn't help but wonder why no one ever made you feel like this before.

"Ahh..." You finally came to your senses, looking down at Mark, smiling sheepishly.

He wiped his lips clean, grinning at you. "That was..." He paused for a moment. "...unexpected."

"I thought so too." You giggled, patting his cheek playfully.

"Glad I didn't disappoint you." Mark said with a wink.

"I'm sorry if I squirted all over your face." You mumbled. "That's the first time that ever happened to me."

"It's fine. It was hot as hell anyway." Mark replied, rubbing your leg affectionately. "Plus, I happen to love the taste of your pussy."

"Fuck, you're so hot when speak dirty." You sighed, closing your eyes as he rubbed your leg. "I can't wait until we try other stuff."

Mark nodded, slowly removing his hand from your leg. "I'm glad to hear that." He replied, kissing your forehead. "Did that help relieve some stress?"

You opened your eyes, peeking at Mark through your eyelashes.

"Yeah, it helped." You breathed, tilting your head towards him. "Thanks for everything, Mark."

Mark pulled you closer, hugging you tightly. "Anytime."

The words suddenly seemed to flow through your mind after what happened with Mark earlier. Your fingers danced about the keyboard, the scene of the main characters flashing across your mind. The moment where they would take things to the next level, exploring each other's bodies. You smiled, wondering if you'd ever get to experience something like that with Mark. Something more than just him eating you out or making you cum with his fingers.

Maybe even something like actual fucking.

You hummed quietly to yourself, rereading your previous chapters. All you could see were images of the main couple finding romance together. Of her seducing him in a dimly lit room, using her skills as an actress to entice him into wanting her. Him pleasuring her with his tongue, her pussy clenching his dick as she found pleasure with every stroke.

Your imagination ran wild, getting excited by the idea of the two of them having sex. You had a lot of ideas, but you wanted to hear what Mark thought first.

Sighing, you stood up, walking towards the kitchen. It was getting late, so maybe you should prepare dinner. After putting away the dishes, you walked towards the bedroom, slipping into bed. For a moment, you thought about falling asleep, but then the sound of the doorbell broke through your thoughts.

Rolling out of bed, you put on your robe and went downstairs to open the door. Your heart fluttered when you saw Mark standing outside, dressed casually. Even though it wasn't freezing outside, he still wore a hoodie and a beanie.

"Hey." He greeted you, leaning against the doorway. "Did I wake you up?"

You shook your head. "I was laying in bed. What's up?"

"I need to talk to you about something." Mark replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "I know that we talked about this before, but..."

"Go ahead, Mark." You encouraged him, closing the door behind you.

Mark stepped forward, resting his hands on your shoulders. "Okay, so...can we..."

Before he could finish, you threw your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

"Of course we can." You answered, returning his kiss with full force.

Mark grinned as he pushed you backwards, locking the door behind him. "I couldn't get what happened out of my mind, you know." He spoke against your lips.

"Hmmm...You eating me out...making me come...I bet that turned you on." You moaned, grinding yourself against him.

"God, yes." Mark moaned, his hand roaming up and down your thighs. "But the thing that really got me thinking was..."

He moved his lips to your neck, sucking lightly on your skin.

"I think we should do this." Mark whispered in your ear, giving you goosebumps. "See what happens when we actually have sex."

"Mmm..." You murmured, biting your lip. You took his hand in yours, placing them on your breast. "I thought you'd never ask."

THoR Chap. Masterlist | Previous | Next

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I The Asshole for comforting my friend’s ex-partner?

People in this story: Me (19M), my friend, Jason (17M), his ex-partner, Leon (16M) [All fake names]

So, my friend Jason recently broke up with Leon, after a year of them being together (like, right after their anniversary). This was honestly a long time coming, as Jason has been venting to me about all these little things that Leon has done (he never visits Jason at work, he rarely buys gifts or pays for dates even though Jason always does, he’s too clingy, etc) so I wasn’t surprised, and I don’t think either Jason or Leon were very surprised either.

Jason is actually very happy he finally ended the relationship, and now that it’s over, he started to open up to me more about things Leon has done. He’s saving the in-depth conversation for when we can talk in person, but he told me there was manipulation and gaslighting going on, I just don’t know how or to what severity. Although, despite this, Jason says he doesn’t really have much ill will against Leon, and while he doesn’t want to remain friends (and now has him blocked on socials), is still fine interacting with him. (Of course, they’re in high school together so they’ll have to interact pretty frequently.)

Leon on the other hand… is pretty torn up. Which is understandable, even if it is his fault Jason broke up with him. He was publicly (but subtly) venting on social media, and Jason told me that during the breakup he was also very visibly upset and talked about thinking he (himself) deserved to die. (Which is… possibly a manipulation tactic, possibly a depressed teenager thing, but most likely a mix of both.)

Now, I’m friends with both of them (it’s hard not to be, since they’re almost always together). I’m closer with Jason and we talk almost every day, but Leon and I are somewhat close as well, so it wasn’t surprising to me when Leon messaged me to talk about the breakup.

Leon send multiple paragraphs venting about the breakup. He basically just told me he feels guilty, and hopeless, and he felt like his efforts in the relationship could only be seen by himself. He also told me he understands and won’t judge if I start to dislike him now that Jason broke up with him, and asked me to take care of Jason now that he won’t be able to.

Some of his message seemed a little manipulative-y? (Like the self-depreciation, he was also somewhat implying he wanted to kill himself…?) Which makes sense with everything Jason told me about him, but I still tried to respond the same way I would respond to any friend who just had a bad breakup, while also throwing a little “I hope you learn and grow from this” in there for good measure.

Because, see, I believe Jason when he says Leon was manipulative and a toxic partner. And I know Leon is probably fishing for sympathy, at least a bit. However… He’s also 16 years old. Which doesn’t make any of Leon’s actions okay, obviously. A 16 year-old should know right from wrong. But I know 16 year olds have a lot of growing up to do, and I don’t think Leon is an irredeemably bad person.

I can’t know for certain if Leon was purposefully acting malicious or if he was just too immature to understand what he did wrong. But either way, I’d feel like a dick telling a 16 year old who sees me as a good friend that I don’t want to hear him vent or I don’t care about his problem because it’s all his fault anyway. So, I just listened, told him I hope he grows from this, and told him to take care of himself and I hope things get better for him.

I’m definitely going to distance myself from him going forward, probably especially when Jason tells me the rest of the details of their relationship, but I figured the breakup is so fresh (happened the day before Leon came to me) I can at least let him vent for now. Break ups do fucking suck, even if it is your fault or you deserved it. So, I don’t know. Jason didn’t seem too bothered with what I said to Leon, but idk. AITA? I hope that all made sense :’)

What are these acronyms?

[multiheadcanons]

your posts are incredible!! i just had to read them all! how long do they typically take you? do you do them in bursts or all in one, go on average? looking forward to whatever you cook up next!! 💞

i’m so glad you reached out bc firstly i have to tell you

i have been watching you go through every single post and like and reblog them. ALL. DAY. it’s made me giddy. every time your name popped up on my notifications i was like ooooooo i got youuu hahahaha

frankly goes for everyone i watch y’all! i watch my notifications, i go through your tags and i EAT THEM UP I GOBBLE YOUR REACTIONS UP

ok now to answer: it really depends on when inspiration strikes and which mercs strike me first!

i’ll write all of my idea titles and get them saved on separate draft posts; and from there i literally go down the line of mercs from offense to defense to support bc im always really worried i’ll forget one of them. the only time i didn’t do that was with baby’s first respawn for story setup reasons— and that took me a couple of days bc i wanted to make sure i got every merc. so if i have a very specific idea for like, scout or pyro; i can use that inspiration’s momentum to get to the support class and generally complete them within the day. but if what i’m writing i initially had very specific ideas for like… engie or spy, it takes a few hours spread out over the course of a couple of days. and since i’m always working on more than one at a time, i’m generally able to get 1-2 done per day. 3 if i’m really on a roll.

medic is the only exception bc i think about him all the time and have thought about him thematically nonstop for a decade so i am always, always able to write a solid three paragraphs for him under any circumstance for any concept i can think of bc who he is to me is absolute and unquestioned. i also main medic as a player so he’s literally always on my mind bc i put in shifts on that game. it’s my second job.

heavy is a tipping point. i feel like how i personally view heavy as a character is becoming more vivid daily; so oftentimes by the time i get to heavy, who is normally smack dab in the middle of the lineup, if not a little earlier, i always get that boost to get me through the defense boys and into support, where i have a more solid grasp on how i view those characters.

snipes and demo are tipping points but not in the same way heavy is. they’re tipping points in the way that i either know them or i don’t, and when i don’t know them i absolutely can’t make it up, and i get stuck until their inspiration hits me. they give me the most grief.

and all of this doesn’t even mention that i am CONSTANTLY updating and editing my posts. i’ve changed entire paragraphs hours before the post goes live because of how quickly ideas come to me. i go through the posts currently up to see if there’s anything i could add, or take out, or change entirely, and i check each post once they’re up for grammatical errors. so even once they’re up, they’re not really done, yknow?

thanks for appreciating my headcanons! there is indeed more to come! some kooky ones, some serious ones, some fun ones!

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

For the ask game, 💖(which fic is your pride and joy) or 🙌 (a paragraph or line you’re proud of)? I’m pretty sure those are the correct questions…

Which fic is your pride and joy?

Hard one. I'm incredibly proud of Going Beyond, and it's the fic I personally return to the most often, but I think my best-written Trek fic is Redemption.

I think my best-written fic in terms of prose and styling is O, Unholy Sacraments.

Is there a paragraph of a line you're proud of?

Oh, yeah. I'll drop a few:

Aziraphale remembers all too well the stiff and discontented shifting of Crowley’s body from before, the nonchalant attempts to hide and disregard his pain. The sharp juts of dislocated joints and brittle ridges of half-healed bones. The mottled flesh in shades of aubergine and mauve and striking chartreuse as battered skin painted itself pale and whole in slow, reparative brush strokes. The sickening angle of Crowley’s broken fingers as he warned him for the umpteenth time that he wasn’t worth protecting, wasn’t worth saving.  The greatest lies the Serpent of Eden ever told were the ones he told about himself.  - O, Unholy Sacraments

“Hey, Bones. What brings you here?” Jim called, voice rougher than he remembered it being earlier. Maybe he should drink something... “Apparently,” Bones seethed, stalking forward to where Jim sat and furiously rounding the chair to face him directly, “you misunderstood me.”  Bones looked like hell. His uniform was rumpled and dirty, hair standing up every which way, and his hands were practically raw from all the sanitization he’d likely been doing between patients. “What part of ‘get your ass to MedBay, right now’ did you not understand?” he hissed, crouching before Jim and taking his head in his hands, feeling for bumps and cuts as he watched Jim’s eyes intently, evaluating and seemingly unaware that they had an audience. “You get knocked on the head hard enough that you don’t understand Standard anymore? So help me, kid, if you’ve got a concussion on top of everything else--” - Redemption

It’s Bones, ultimately, who starts Jim on the antidepressants.  Bones who-- after making sure Jim was relatively stable, listening patiently while Jim talked himself hoarse and asking just enough questions to ascertain his mental state and thanking him for his honesty-- seemed to realize that this wasn’t simply grief but a long-coming breaking point.  Bones who first uses words like “depression” and “post-traumatic stress disorder”, and perhaps the only person from whom Jim would accept the diagnosis.  - Going Beyond

Each fic has a line or a section I'm particularly proud of, but these remain stand-outs for me.

What about ya'll? Any lines from my fics that jumped out at you?

[cherryys]

Hii, this is the anon ^^ thank you for answering!

Before saying anything I wanted to say that your reasons are pretty solid, and Yuuji's detention center death thing is one of the reasons that make my own waver a lot lol. I didn't even consider that Kenjaku's words could still apply despite them being technically separated (for now). And also that second-to-last paragraph made me tear up a little ngl.

Maybe my reasonings are tainted by me being an itafushi fan too lmao, but these are mainly the reasons that make me think they'll have the same fate:

Their cog mentality. Yuuji's is more prominent and repeated, but we see Megumi present it too in chapter 9 (a little fun fact is that Gege uses slightly different kanji for them, Megumi's 歯車 being more like a literal cog and Yuuji's 部品 more like "part/component"). Maybe this is more of a meta read from a reader's point of view, but imo having Gege give them such similar, low views of themselves and their roles in the story makes me believe they'll both end up looking in the same direction and come to the same conclusion (especially after that narration post-Choso's death and everything that's been building up for Megumi, with his own role and purpose being obliterated).

They're also taking each other's roles as the plot progresses. If Yuuji literally dooms himself for Megumi's sake (ch.1) and sacrifices himself for Megumi (ch.1/9), then it's Megumi's turn to put himself in danger for Yuuji's sake (ch.143-212). If Yuuji has to go through his own personal hell (Shibuya) by Sukuna's hands, then Megumi has to go through his own personal hell (Tsumiki) by Sukuna's hands. I also think it's important that it's been made a point to show this "whose turn it is to sacrifice himself to Sukuna" thing through the title of the chapters being the same in ch.9/212, when even Megumi himself had said in the detention center that "it seems our roles have been switched" (from who's going to die - Megumi thought it would be him this time).

Like, I don't really know how to express it better, but they've spent the entire story sacrificing themselves for the other, so I think the conclusion will be them putting an end to it by finding their own value through the other. There must be a reason Gege has been having them mirror each other's paths throughout the story. I just can't see one's conclusion without the other's, since this story started with them both. I don't see Wasuke's "curse" as the ending but more chapter 1 as a whole, which is about Megumi and Yuuji making sacrifices for the other until both of them have to bear the burden that is Sukuna.

Maybe "taking the burden together" means they'll both die with the King of Curses but the cycle will just repeat again years later as is humanity's nature, maybe it means they both will have to find a way to live after all this devastation in their lives, despite it all. And yes Yuuji is the MC so his own, personal curse from the start of the manga should take priority, but Megumi (and Sukuna) is so tied to him that I think they will have to either die or live together. What would it mean to Megumi if the one person he has decided to save dies for his sake? Or what would it mean for Yuuji that he has to follow the cruel fate he's decided/been given instead of managing to pull through and finding a reason to want to stay alive, selfishly (since saving Megumi is definitely not the sanest choice here)?

I yapped a lot sorry if this doesn't make much sense, but overall I think I just have a more optimistic(?) point of view, and of course I could just be very wrong. After all, jjk has tragedy in every of its corners and who better than the protagonist to put a nice, final bow to it lol. But tragedy can take many forms so I guess I just want to believe that jjk also wants to say that unwavering love/humanity CAN break even the biggest of curses and to keep on moving forward no matter how bleak everything is, and there's no one better to do that than the two guys who have been pulling through for each other from the very start (Megumi finding a reason to get stronger in Yuuji, Yuuji finding a reason to live in Megumi during the CG, etc).

(p.s.: here's my translation of Wasuke's last words from the og jp text, but i'm leaving the jp too in case you want to translate yourself ^^:

オマエは強いから - you're strong, so

人を助けろ - save people

手の届く範囲でいい - it's fine if it's those within your hand's reach

救える奴は救っとけ - save those who can be saved

迷っても感謝されなくても - even if you waver, even if you aren't thanked

とにかく助けてやれ - even then, save (people)

オマエは大勢に囲まれて死ね - die surrounded by many people

俺みたいにはなるなよ - don't end up like me)

You bring up very valid points! Yuuji and Megumi's fates are very intertwined so it's hard to see any conclusion of either character without the other intrinsically embedded in it.

An ending where they both die, effectively ridding the world of the King Of Curses since it's a burden they both shared would be pretty tragic in its own right imo but them both surviving and helping each other heal while trying to fix their mistakes would be a much more hopeful ending and would especially work with the theme of the younger generation breaking the cycle of the older generation, where Gojo & Geto made disasterous decisions and died before they could truly bear the consequences of it (Shibuya and Culling Games), Yuuji and Megumi will live on to bear the consequences, but this time together, where the burden will be much more easier on their shoulders.

Yes JJK is a tragedy, but it shouldn't be a depressing one all the way through. We see scenes of hope that things would turn out better this time (Megumi telling Yuuji to share the burden after Shibuya, unlike Gojo who told Geto that he alone should bear the burden of failing to protect Riko, thus driving them away from each other) (Jujutsu Sorcerers fighting together to stop Sukuna instead of the classic mentality of "Jujutsu Sorcerers die alone so they should fight alone) stuff like that.

I do think it would also be unnecessarily cruel if Yuuji were to die right after Megumi (assuming he gets up because of Yuuji eventually) starts believing in a person again right after he drowned in despair because he lost all the people he believed in lol but Gege is known for just putting Megumi through the wringer so it would unfortunately fall in line with what he's doing. Like that guy can never catch a break, holy shit. (People kept saying he hates Gojo, but look at what he's doing to Megumi 😭)

i'm not too hopeful that one won't bite the curb prematurely, but i would like it if they do live on

(Also thank you so much for the translation!!! Official translations can be so wacky and the original meaning always gets lost in translation(

[winter-spark]

I know that after those 2 small Madoka thoughts I had I said I'd stay in my lane but my film/media brain is like "hey hey hey remember that "cool" thought you had?" So. Even though Chikage is still not my lane, my film brain wants to discuss the neatness/niftyness/cleverness (idk which word I'm looking for) of Act 8 & the slight step further it could've been pushed, in reference to Act 5 of course. Besides if the Zafran princes are my lane(I'm kinda forcing myself on them actually, I'm probably not the best person to claim them but here we are), and Citron is both a Zafran Prince & in Spring Troupe and Chikage is in Spring Troupe, Chikage is my lane adjacent. Still though if I say something that makes you go "well actually" please ignore me. Let me have 0 notes due to being wrong about something, it's okay. Really.

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

Act 5 (Chikage's storyline) recap - Paragraph 1 Act 8 (Zafra storyline) "mini" recap -Paragraph 2 Cleverness - Paragraph 4 The Potential Push - Paragraphs 5-8 Conclusion - Paragraph 9 Too long, didn't read: I like the parallel between Chikage's abducting to destroy in Act 5, & rescuing to protect in Act 8. As a film major I feel the rescue coulda been used to move his relationships forward in a way had there been any (realistic) animosity/hesitance lingering.

So as we all may or may not (idk) know, in Act 5 Chikage infiltrates Mankai by being let in through the front door(he's undercover shush!) and sees how Mankai is one big happy family. Feeling betrayed by Hisoka/having some misinformation he decides to get his revenge: Hisoka entered then ruined his happy family (and abandoned him), so he would do the same to Hisoka. In this he comes up with a simple Preminger plan: Izumi, the center of Mankai, goes missing, Mankai disbands. (This plan would've worked best if he snatched up Sakuya alongwith Sakyo &/or Isuke too, just saying. Those four are the reason Mankai stands today. Fact. But also imagine them having to navigate the coleads, director, financer and manager mia, woulda been harder to pull off and come back from but Mankai woulda been a mess) So he kidnaps Izumi, Hisoka comes to save & reconcile, they all go home. Izumi lies for Chikage, Chikage later shares that he actually did abducted her(without reasoning as to why ehich leaves open a bit of skepticism but yada yada we get the point).

In Act 8, (let's see how quick I can give the setup), Guy comes and reveals Citron is next in line for the throne and that there are some others who support his brothers being next in line and of them there are extremists(every cause has some extremists am I right or am I right?), Citron knowing Chikage got the capabilities to make people disappear w/out a trace asks Chikage to help him dip for Zafra early w/out Guy (also remind me to write about Citron's "selfishness"(there's a different word I'm thinking of but this'll have to do) pls I have thoughts); Mankai first begrudgingly accepts this but then they're like "No! Who broke it?" and head down to Zafra to get an explanation from Citron 'cause "dude what the heck?" They make it just in time to find out about a plot to keep him from ascending to the throne and that he's been kidnapped. Here Chikage steps up to the plate to find and save Citron from being kidnapped.(Itaru goes too but we're not here to talk about how he was prepped to die to save his wife<3, gosh I love love). (Kinda lengthy but I can't help making side notes & jokes lol)

So now that I've said a whole lot of nothimg, let's discuss the cleverness and how it could've been pushed.

Of course you've probably caught onto the cleverness yourself, a person who once abducted someone before a big event now is rescuing someone kidnapped before a big event. He is actively working in another person's best interest and to help sustain a family rather than aim to cause one to crumble out of his own desires of revenge. Of course, he vowed to protect the Mankai family at the end of Act 5, the parallel itself is still neat. And there's double the families he's sustaining in saving Citron here because not only is he saving a member Mankai/Spring Troupe's family but also of the Zafran royal family (why don't they have a last name >~<; that's so long winded), which allows a place for there to be a return after their punishment for suresies because if it had gone worse...

So now that that's been addressed how can this have been pushed further. Well. It could've been Chikage proving how much he's grown to care for and how much he means it when he says that he is devoted to protecting Mankai, which it kinda was in a bit of a less stated way. But also! While A3! is a clever series with compelling characters and storylines, there are some aspects that fall a little flat in the realism department at times, if they commited to being a bit more realistic w/ certain forgiveness storylines, this would've been a great moment for someone to feel more open to trusting Chikage. Like especially w/ him already being concerned about Mankai being upset with him for agreeing to & succeding to send off Citron. If it was like "man I'm still walking on eggshells a bit because even though people are nice to me and accept me they still don't fully trust/like me, I'm so not going to be increasing my score w/ any of them this way" and then him actively going to save and succeding in saving a cherished member of Mankai, with complete resolve and trying to keep everyone safe. That's something that could've really been something. Like not to say it wasn't anything or anything, just like it could have been a shift in the story. Like they love Chikage but do they trust him? They don't have much of choice. Obviously this can only be properly done with characters who would have animosity, coulda been there, and if it was something mentioned between the two points but yea.

(Reminder: my "lane" is the Zafran Princes so if I say anything inaccurate to any other character they're not my lane. (my current tag for them (tho I am considering changing it) is "Citron & his brothers" if you want to see anything I've said about them. (here's a good place to start, me thinks)(yea pretty shameless self promo but eh) I'm kinda dumb and know nothing tho so idk if any of it's at all good or something you'd agree w/ but I feel alright about the stuff I've said lol). I'm not a great writer or anything but I think if they had decided to take that route the best Spring Troupe options for that kinda dynamic woulda been Masumi or maybe Tsuzuru. (Had to choose Spring Troupe to go along with the setup that's already there, any other troupe and I might have to change big story details & that's not the goal here, the goal is elevating what's already there) Why these two? Well I'm less sold on Tsuzuru but I feel like he has more realistic and negative-leaning views sometimes, like he feels like a person who feels like he might stay cautious about a person who's done some shady things. Masumi other the hand is already a bit less of a people person, has he grown alot already yes, however, he is still someone who very much (haha kinda like Chikage) has a strong desire to protect those important to him and Chikage litterally abducted Izumi who was dire in Masumi being able to connect with more people and have those he wants to protect and do things for and she's at the top of that list of people. Sure she doesn't hold anything against Chikage but she's Izumi. She's a very caring and forgiving person. I could see someone like Masumi being a bit on gaurd and skeptical partly on her behalf.

I'm sure it'd be a little harder to pull off with what the situation was but I do think it's plausible & do-able. I mean, if I recall correctly, at this point most of Mankai are unaware why Chikage kidnapped Izumi in the first place(I think Hisoka, Izumi, and sorta the rest of Winter Troupe and Sakuya knew around the time it happened) so if one of them(not the ones I just specified) were somewhat weary of him it could make sense, I think reasoning is something that I can see being important to Masumi and Tsuzuru and that's something Chikage didn't divulge, so it feels like Chikage did it for "no reason". Though I do want to say I think if we took one if these routes reasoning would be important to them in different ways. Tsuzuru would be more mentally like but what was the reason tho, while Masumi would think less about that he didn't give his reasoning and compartmentalize it as no good reason as he had his chance to explain but didn't, which I wanted to bring up because because imagine with me if you please, Masumi accepting Chikage being around but lowkey not fully trusting him bcause he clearly had no good reason for abducting Izumi. Chikage plays vital role in rescuing Citron maybe he is okay to trust a bit more and maybe (flashfoward to Magician's Pure Love) Masumi can hear out what reason Chikage had for his actions, because maybe even if it was wrong and something he shouldn't have done, maybe he does have a reason. (See I'm tying things together)

My only hesitance really being the comparison of how important Izumi and Citron are to this character (because they're the ones in the situation not the weary character) but it simultaneously makes me want to hit floor it because they're equally important. Or something. Idk honestly. Just, i it was Masumi for this route I could see that being a nice reminder he cherishes his whole family. (I know Act 5 kinda already is that but I'm just throwing paint at the wall okay? This is only my lane adjacent.) I guess while I'm here let's discuss why not Izumi or Citron being the person for this to drive the relationship forward. Well. I think even if Izumi reasonably had a small fear of or discomfort with Chikage after Act 5 she would actively be workimg herself to getting over it. For it to be something to drive their relationship it would definitely have to be a thing between the two of them. Meanwhile, Citron literally trusted Chikage to keep his secret that he was leaving early and help him do so. I think they're in an okay place.

So yea, maybe this whole idea is dumb or too movie or something, Idk I have film major brain, but it's something I think about sometimes(not as much as I laid out here but the concept). Like obviously in part the rescue's probably partially there with something similar to that in mind but like instead it's to prove Chikage to the viewers rather than to Mankai, however I also think that it's okay in media to make characters have to work for people(read: other characters) to forgive and/or be comfortable around them. Like sure sure some people will forgive you pretty early on and water under the bridge and all that stuff. And some people won't mind being around you. But some people might be completely unaware as to how much they subconciously don't trust you. Some might be like okay we're cool but we're not cool. For some people all this depends on how well they feel they know/understand you and which actions they've seen to help determine your character to them, you know? And I like complicated/layered/complex dynamics and relationships, so I personally woulda found it neat to have something like that within the story. But who am I lol

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

One step forward, two steps back

Where does time go? Something so unimportant plagues my mind every day. It's been a while since my last journal entry. I started work as I mentioned before, and those 8-hour days were absolute hell. Adding finals, I was not doing too well. Though I was sick to death, unable to drink or eat anything, time just flew by. I counted down the minutes, but would it have mattered? It feels so long ago, a time when I thought I could live normally. Tomorrow is my last shift, and I don't want to go. Mainly because I don't want to feel sick, but also because it would make everything real. I'm ashamed to admit that when they asked why I was abruptly leaving, I pulled the cancer card. Not that I have cancer, my cousin does, but I still used it. Good old "family cancer, sorry." My mom says she isn't getting better. Fortunately for me, facing hard truths hasn't been my specialty lately, so I personally believe she will be fine. As far as I go, this past week has been hell. I had two friends and lost one, which leaves me with one. Math is easier with smaller numbers. Remember that boyfriend I was working things out with? We didn't work out. In a moment of panic, I sent him a long paragraph, basically highlighting what I was worried about. We broke up for good, and the next morning, he hopped on a plane to Japan, where he is currently sending me landmark pictures from. How do I politely tell him I don't want to see those? How do I politely reach out to people and tell them that I couldn't care less about the way they hurt and abandoned me? My singular friend is asking. The worst of it all is that I don't even know why my friend and I don't talk. One day, she suddenly turned cold, and now I feel like I'm mourning all alone. I could compliment her on many things, but communication is not one of them, so it feels pointless to even reach out. She's leaving for college in a couple of weeks anyway, so better to forget. As far as I go, I quit my job. The job I was supposed to use to save up for college. My chronic illness made it impossible for me to keep working. I would throw up water and have terrible migraines and nausea by the end of my shift. Then I'd go home and cry that I couldn't be a normal human. Plan A was marrying my boyfriend, and Plan B was going to college, but now it seems like neither of those things will happen. Plan C was offered by my ex 2 days ago, which was joining him out of state, where he works. Not to rekindle anything, just to go visit and have fun. Every part of me wanted to say yes, but being sick, I just had to say no. Looking back, though, I find that part funny. The ex that I dated for two weeks is more considerate of me than the man I dated for 3 years. Long before we argued, he didn't ask me if I wanted to go to Japan. He keeps talking about figuring stuff out when he gets back, but I don't want to anymore. I'm over it all.

[mari-positas]

oh how i fucking adore this universe

the scream i did indeed scrumpt when i saw this and realized it was from the universe you absolutely made me fall in love with

first off, i love the scene with jesse. i really liked his and reader’s interactions and her respect for him tbh it was a great characterization overall i enjoyed him quite a bit

i’m sure i’ve said this before and if i haven’t, shame on me but god i just love this joel and i love his dynamic with our reader, these two have my whole entire heart emma

He softens a little and sighs. It won't do anything to remind him that he can't go back in time and stop you from getting hurt. Joel knows he can't fix everything, can't keep everyone he loves away from harm, can't save the world. Won't, if it comes at the expense of the people in his heart.

But you can give him something to do -- a way to make it better. You could probably bandage your hands and your forehead and the rest on your own but it'll help him just as much as you if he does it.

GOD the way the first paragraph was a punch to the gut for me. reader knowing him like the back of her hand knowing what to do to comfort him even when she’s injured? i cry

"Yes sir, Mr. Miller, sir."

More tension melts from his shoulders and he rolls his eyes at you. You laugh all the way to the bathroom, even though it hurts a little.

LIKE SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO DO TO HELP HIM RELAX I ADORE THEM SM

You lied to Jesse earlier -- Joel has hundreds of expressions. He just keeps most of them for you. For Ellie, and Tommy, too. You know every one of them by now.

emma please i’m just a girl

"I didn't get any good gossip off Jesse," you whisper. "On account of the whole surprise-infected thing."

i giggled when i remembered how much this joel loves gossip our sweet chismoso peepaw i love him

Even though you know each other down to the bones, some things remain inexplicable. Parts of your pasts that linger in the darkest parts of you, the parts that stay shrouded until the moments like this. You don't have to be brave in the quiet hours of the night, entwined with him as you are. It's the safest place you'll ever be. Safe enough that you can crack open and let Joel in, let those steady and worn hands keep you together.

"I was scared today," you say into his neck. "When the stalker dragged me off the rope. I panicked, I --"

her opening up and being vulnerable with him i am going to forward you my therapy bill for this one because it really did tug at my heartstrings.

the fact that these two can rely on each other, ugh. their relationship is so so dear to me and i hold it so close to my heart.

another amazing installment 🤍

you have me, you have me only

joel miller x reader you get (minorly) injured on patrol. joel does his best to patch you up and not worry too much. | jackson!joel, hurt/comfort, wound-patching, some blood, a jesse cameo, joel being joel, all that good stuff. | 4.2k a/n: part of the just and just as verse. not too soft but not too angsty, either. just another day after the end of the world, you know? thank you @mrsmando for your eyes on this! <3

___

"Almost there," you mutter. "Fuck."

The icy winter wind dulls the stinging in your palms to a numbness. The leather gloves you've had for half a decade stay tucked in your pockets. You don't want to ruin their lining with dirt and blood.

"How's the head?" 

Jesse pulls up alongside you in a trot. The adrenaline from your patrol-gone-wrong pulses heavy at the top of your spine, your vision sharp and the whole world a little too loud around you as Jackson comes into view at the bottom of the hill. Your head, like the rest of you, throbs.

"I'll live."

He scoffs and his horse snorts as if agreeing with him. In truth, you're more pissed than injured, though it certainly looks like you lost a fight. Jesse's cheekbone will no doubt bloom purple tomorrow and his lip is still bleeding sluggishly. His jeans are splattered with gore, same as yours.

"Thanks for back there," he says.

You shrug and wince when it pulls at the skin of your side where you fell. 

"You, too," you tell him with a grimace. "That was quick thinking with the brick."

You like him -- he's good at his job and he's a good friend to Ellie. You know Tommy and Maria are not-so-subtly training him to run this place someday if he wants to. As a patrol partner, you can't ask for much better. He knows all the routes and he's a good shot and his mom knows everything there is to know about everyone in town and sometimes he passes tidbits on to you.

But knowing your shit doesn't mean a damn thing in this world, sometimes. You can still get ambushed by infected on patrol and it can still fuck up your day.

He waves you off. "I just can't believe an elk chose our station to fucking die in."

"Tommy is going to shit himself when you tell him," you laugh. It pulls at your ribs. God, is there any part of you that didn't take a beating?

"He'll just be pissed he wasn't here."

Your horses reach the bottom of the hill and Jesse hesitates, the green scrap of cloth in his hand. The red one indicating an injured party peeks out from his pocket.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the clinic?"

"I'm fine," you say firmly. "I can patch up at home."

He eyes the cut on your forehead and your scraped palms but caves under your glare and waves the green flag.

"Joel makes the same face," he mutters. "Ellie does, too. Freaky."

The gates open and you grunt when you get off your horse, palms back to stinging.

"Joel's two expressions are pissed and annoyed," you say. “Not hard to pick one up.” You press the back of your hand to your forehead and it comes back tacky with blood. "Fuck."

"I don't think you'll need a stitch." Jesse holds his hand out for your patrol rifle and pats the neck of your horse. "I'll debrief and get these guys settled. You go home."

Normally, you'd protest. But you really just want to take a hot shower and sleep for twelve hours, so you nod and shoulder your pack carefully.

"Make sure you tell Tommy about beating a stalker to death with a brick," you call over your shoulder. "He'll be impressed."

Jesse laughs.

Snow crunches under your boots on the way home. Fuck, you're exhausted. The adrenaline fades with each step and the aches become sharp pains. There aren't too many people out today on account of the cold but you nod and wave, ignoring the double takes at the blood on your clothes.

It'll be a pain in the ass if you can't patch the ruined knees of your jeans. Maybe you can convince Joel to carve something for the woman down the street who can sew better than anyone in town. Finding new pants is damn near impossible.

You’re practically dragging your feet by the time you reach your house. The mailbox labeled Miller, the wind chimes gently swaying on the porch, all of it puts you at ease. You made it home.

The porch steps groan as you climb them and the front door opens from the inside as you reach the top. Joel steps out, hand still on the knob when he looks up and sees you. His eyes widen.

He was on patrol today, too. You left at the same time but he had a shorter route and must have gotten back a while ago.

"Are you coming to meet me?" you say with a grin that's genuine despite the way your body pulses with pain. He does this sometimes -- milling around the gate, chatting with people on the wall as he waits for you to return. You never really feel like you're home until you see his face.

Joel does not smile back. His eyes rake over you the same way he surveys a room, cataloging all of the important things. The gash on your temple, the rips in your jeans, the way you're favoring your left side. The blood, too -- it's everywhere, you're sure. Palms, knees, collar. Jesse helped you wipe your face before you rode back so that you could see without blood in your eyes, but you must look pretty fucking rough.

"Jesus," he says. His hand twitches like he's going to reach for you. "You okay?"

"I'll be better when I'm not standing out in the cold."

His nostrils flare and he heads back into the house, you on his heels. You dump your pack and sit down heavily on the bench to take off your boots. Joel beats you to it, lowering to one knee with a slight groan, fingers working at your laces.

Normally he'd ask how patrol was, how Jesse did, if you saw anything interesting. Instead, his cheek twitches like he's clenching his jaw so hard it hurts. He unties your double knots with practiced ease and his silence fills the entryway of your house.

In another life, the sight of him on one knee would set your heart aflutter. As it is, you want to run a hand through his hair and smooth the worry lines on his forehead. You know him and this is how he handles it -- he chews on blame that doesn't belong on his shoulders until he can fix it.

"I'm fine," you say softly. You open and close your hands, resting them on your knees. You got most of the gravel out but there's dirt and god knows what else embedded in the tender flesh. Joel pulls off one boot with a firm hand on your calf and then the other before finally looking up at you.

"You wanna explain...this, then?"

His hand waves up in your general direction. There's no tremble in his palm but his brows are furrowed, his shoulders set in that way of his, like he's bracing for bad news. You have a rule about not lying to each other. So if you say you're fine, you're fine. Achey, bloody, and gross, sure. But you made it home in one piece and now you'll let him take care of you and he has to be okay with that.

But you don't mind reassuring him. He worries, and you know the feeling.

You shrug and fail to hide your wince. Joel wraps a hand around your ankle and squeezes lightly.

"I've had worse," you say. "I'll tell you about it if you patch me up."

He softens a little and sighs. It won't do anything to remind him that he can't go back in time and stop you from getting hurt. Joel knows he can't fix everything, can't keep everyone he loves away from harm, can't save the world. Won't, if it comes at the expense of the people in his heart.

But you can give him something to do -- a way to make it better. You could probably bandage your hands and your forehead and the rest on your own but it'll help him just as much as you if he does it.

Life in this world is a constant give and take. You have to be okay with some things, with cuts and bruises and ruined clothes if it means you survived. There's no safety, not anymore.

"Alright, c'mon," he says, standing with a groan. "Upstairs, 'fore you bleed on the furniture."

He holds out a hand for you to stand but you show him your mangled palm. Joel clicks his tongue and grips your forearm gently instead as you rise.

"Gotta clean that," he says.

"That's the plan." You leave your coat and pack behind in a heap and head for the stairs. "A hot shower sounds so fucking good right now."

Joel stops you with a hand on your elbow and you turn on the bottom step. He traces the cut on your forehead with light fingers and you try not to wince.

"Shower," he says.  "I'll patch you up after." His tone leaves no room for argument.

You ghost your fingertips along his jaw and smile at him.

"Yes sir, Mr. Miller, sir."

More tension melts from his shoulders and he rolls his eyes at you. You laugh all the way to the bathroom, even though it hurts a little.

It's been a while since one of you returned from patrol with any sort of injury. Winter means the hoards are sluggish and easy to track and tends to keep groups of people from coming to the valley and making trouble. Today was bad luck and could have been much worse.

You both know how quickly all of the good in your lives can be snatched away. Everyone does.

But you just can't dwell on it. Joel knows it, too, and letting him fuss over you in that way of his will remind him. You're home. You're okay.

You leave the bathroom door cracked as you shower under the gentle spray. Your various injuries sting but you manage to clean the scrapes on your knees and hands and wash the blood from your skin and hair, the water rusty brown as it swirls around the drain. 

Joel knocks when you're almost done and the hinges groan when he steps into the bathroom.

"Leavin' you clothes," he says, voice raised so you hear over the spray. "You okay?"

"Still alive," you call back. "Almost done."

The water starts to turn lukewarm so you switch off the stream and drag back the curtain. Joel is nowhere to be found but he's left you loose shorts so your knees are exposed and a big, faded graphic t-shirt that you brought home for him as a joke last year as well as fresh underwear and warm socks. You gently pat your skin dry with an old and scratchy towel and do your best with your hair before sliding them on. 

Joel knocks again and this time he has the bag with all of your first aid stuff in his hands. The steam from your shower rushes out into your bedroom and you shiver.

He jerks his chin at the counter. "Wanna get up there?"

You haul yourself up with a groan and he stands between your knees, arms crossed and head cocked.

"What're we dealin' with, here?"

You look down at your messy palms and rattle off what hurts.

"Cut on my forehead, bruised rib, probably, fucked up hands and knees, and..." You look up and find Joel running a hand down his face. "That's it."

"You sure?"

You glare at him. He glares back. His eyes drift to your forehead gash.

"Cut could use a stitch." 

He's still tense, you can tell, probably will be until he wakes up tomorrow and you're still next to him in bed. Until the wounds turn to scabs turn to scars. Maybe not even then.

"I think I've had enough cuts over the years to know what needs a stitch."

His eyebrows rise just a little bit, turning his expression from interrogative to exasperated, but he knows better than to tell you to do something when you’ve set your mind against it.

"They're offerin' medical degrees on the Creek Trails, now?"

"Joel."

He holds his hands up in surrender. "Fine," he says. "Let me feel your ribs."

You raise your arms a little and he slides his palms under your shirt and up your torso, pressing gently as he goes. Braless as you are, he brushes the underside of your breast, and your breath hitches. His eyes are soft with quiet amusement but he doesn't tease you.

"Your hands are warm," you murmur. He reaches the place on your side that took the brunt of the impact and you hiss.

"Sorry," he says. "Doin' real good. Deep breath for me." You obey and he withdraws, satisfied.

"Nothin' broken," he says.

"Told you."

He hums and pulls out the precious few disinfectant wipes from your first aid kid. You can get Joel to do a lot of things just by asking, but arguing with him about wasting supplies on you never works. He washes his hands in the sink and glares are you like he knows what you’re thinking.

"Forehead first, then hands, then knees," he says. "Okay?'

You nod, eyes fluttering shut. He grips your face with gentle fingertips to keep you still.

"How was your patrol?" you ask him.

He makes a noise low in his throat that's halfway to being a laugh.

"C'mon," he says. "You don't want to hear about mine. I know you're dyin' to tell me what happened."

The alcohol wipe stings as he swabs at your forehead and you tense. Joel's thumb rubs slow circles at the corner of your mouth and you press your knees into his hips.

Funny how you've had broken bones, been stabbed, shot, pretty much everything over the last twenty years but it's the small stuff that hurts the most. Stubbed toes, sliced fingers, alcohol wipes on shallow wounds. Some things just don't change.

"Okay," you say. "Well, you'll never believe it, but a damn elk decided to die in the station where the logbook is."

You tell him how you and Jesse rode up and saw the blood trail immediately and heard the moans and groans. You kept the horses on the other side of the fence and checked the first floor and the overlook, but the elk had weaseled its way under the collapsed staircase.

It smelled like death, rust and decay heavy in the air. The animal must have died just after the last patrol.

But it wasn't the problem. It was the group of Infected it attracted -- two runners and four stalkers. You have no idea where they came from but, since you were on patrol, the priority was eliminating them. The runners were easier, although one of them was responsible for the gash on your forehead when it managed to push you into the wall. You and Jesse cleared them quickly, one bullet each.

You thought you got all of the stalkers. One of them was munching on the carcass and went down fairly easily with your good aim. Jesse helped you clean your forehead so you both could clear the passage to get to the upper level and sign the logbook. The corpses went over the side of the station into the forest below. The Infected had eaten so much of the elk that it wasn't too heavy, though you both were sweating and dirty by the time you finished.

"Lemme guess," Joel says. You open your eyes as he carefully pulls the wound closed with two butterfly bandages before he gestures for your hand. He holds your wrist gently and tilts your palm side to side, looking for dirt. "There were infected inside the station, too."

"Look at you," you tease. His eyes flick to yours for just a second, intense as always. "It's like you were there."

"Smartass," he grumbles. The disinfectant stings on your palm, too, but you keep talking and keep your gaze on his face.

"Jesse climbed the rope up to the control room first but had to fend off a stalker at the top so he didn't see when another one grabbed my ankle and pulled me down mid-climb, which fucked my hands. The fall is how my rib got bruised and I tore up my knees fending it off."

Joel's cheek twitches. He wraps one of your palms in gauze and turns his attention to the other.

"Fuckin' hate those things."

"Me, too. When I got to the top, finally, Jesse was tugging a pipe from the head of a corpse. There was one more -- it jumped out of that supply room on the side, the one where Ellie found a bong, once, I think. I dodged it but my gun jammed and my hands were bleeding."

"Should've been wearing gloves."

You tap his leg with your foot and ignore him. Not taking your bait about the bong means he’s still pissed. "And then Jesse killed it with a brick."

"I taught him that," Joel grumbles.

He ties off your other palm and as soon as he's done you frame his face. Joel allows it, allows you to stare at him for a few seconds like you're memorizing him. You're telling the story like it was a fun adventure -- and it was. You're plenty capable and he knows it, too.

But you were scared. You don't tell him that right now, instead grounding yourself in the man in front of you. His hands are rough and dangerous to most, but tender and careful to you. The broad, firm line of his shoulders, always braced for the next hit.

The gash on the bridge of his nose, the lines at the corners of his eyes. His beard, greyer every year. You swipe your thumbs along his cheekbones and he sighs.

"Lucky me," you say softly.

You lean in to kiss him, just a light press of your lips to his. His wide palms rest on your bare thighs and he kisses back with a kind of desperate firmness, as if he's proving to himself that you're real. That you're here in front of him, under his hands, in his care.

Joel drags his lips along your cheek.

"Knees," he says.

He steps back and releases your thighs with a squeeze. He treats more of your torn skin, a frown back on his face.

"I do want to hear about your patrol, by the way."

He shrugs. "Not much to tell," he says. "Didn't even get to shoot anythin’.”

You swing your foot back and forth, tapping the side of his thigh with every pass.

"But you had the nice route," you whine. "Tell me what the lake looked like."

"Quit distracting me," he grumbles.

"Like you don't have the steadiest hands in all of Jackson," you say softly.

He snorts. "Are you flirtin' with me?"

"I'm always flirting with you, Joel Miller."

You lied to Jesse earlier -- Joel has hundreds of expressions. He just keeps most of them for you. For Ellie, and Tommy, too. You know every one of them by now.

The look on his face now says he's thinking about kissing you again, maybe just to shut you up.

You grin at him. "Tell me about your patrol, now, seriously. Unless talking and using your hands at the same time is too much for you."

He smirks back. "Think we both know that ain't true."

"Now who's flirting?"

Lazy heat curls in your belly but fatigue stops it from turning into anything. Joel must see that in your eyes because he simply taps your chin with a knuckle and starts talking.

You start to slump as his Texas drawl wraps around you. He tells you how the lake was still, how he and Astrid saw bear tracks but no bear. How he found a tape for Ellie that he's going to give her tomorrow, how he wore his gloves today like you've been telling him to.

Some people might say that Joel is a man of few words. You thought he was the quiet type when you first met him, another stoic survivor in a world that demands hardness of everyone. But not shy, never shy. Just...waiting. Watching.

He and Ellie can shoot the shit for hours -- a dynamic they've fallen back into easily enough since they started spending time together again. He's funny, he's clever, he's annoying as shit when he wants to be.

And Joel is quite the storyteller. If you had to guess you'd say it comes from having to entertain Tommy when they were kids, from getting Sarah into bed on his own over and over. Keeping Ellie occupied, keeping her talking when things were scary and hard and fucking awful.

It's just another way he takes care of people.

"Still with me?" he says. You realize your eyes have closed. When you open them you find Joel looking at you with tenderness and a spark of amusement. The tense line of his shoulders is nowhere to be seen. "All done. Tired?"

"And hungry."

He washes his hands and throws away the various wrappers and blood-stained wipes.

"Sure you're awake enough to eat?" he teases.

You roll your eyes at him. He laughs.

"Joel," you say, catching his elbow. "Thank you."

"C'mon, now."

He looks like he wants to argue with you for saying it but reaches for you instead. He traces the cut on your forehead just like he did at the bottom of the stairs, brow drawn again. You can't tell what he's thinking as he drags his thumb down and around your eye, cupping your cheek fully for just a breath before releasing you and stepping towards the door.

"I'll heat some soup."

Dinner is quick and quiet, your energy sapped from you to the point of exhaustion. Everything aches, despite Joel's thorough care. When he suggests turning in early you don't protest.

He takes longer than you to get ready for bed. You slide under the worn duvet and wait, trying very hard to keep your eyes open. Your bruised ribs throb in time with your heartbeat and when Joel finally turns off the light and gets in bed next to you in his threadbare sleep pants he practically hauls you into his embrace.

You go willingly, tangling your legs and laying your head on the juncture of his neck and shoulder. You press your palm to his chest, fingers threading in the coarse hair. His heart thuds and it grounds you.

"I didn't get any good gossip off Jesse," you whisper. "On account of the whole surprise-infected thing."

He yawns. "S'pose it's a good excuse."

"Can I tell you something else?" you whisper. "A secret?"

Joel hums, lips brushing your temple as his hand snakes up your sleep shirt to press against your lower back.

Even though you know each other down to the bones, some things remain inexplicable. Parts of your pasts that linger in the darkest parts of you, the parts that stay shrouded until the moments like this. You don't have to be brave in the quiet hours of the night, entwined with him as you are. It's the safest place you'll ever be. Safe enough that you can crack open and let Joel in, let those steady and worn hands keep you together.

"I was scared today," you say into his neck. "When the stalker dragged me off the rope. I panicked, I --"

You don't tell him how your initial thought when you hit the ground was of him, how you closed your eyes tight and thought of your name from his mouth, of his smile when you come through the door. The stalker had its bony fingers digging into your ankle and you wondered if you'd ever feel Joel's hands on you again.

Death will come for you sooner or later and when it does it'll be Joel's face that you hold in your mind before it all ends.

But today, you kicked death until its stupid fucking mushroom skull caved in.

Joel presses his lips to your temple. You can feel his heart beating faster, as fast as yours. It's the only thing that betrays his own fear.

Wounds in this life often go deeper than the skin. When Joel comes home with bloody knuckles and shuttered eyes it's one thing to stop the bleeding, to bandage him and get him to eat something. It's another to hold him, to coax out the story, the fear. To follow him downstairs when he has a nightmare, to look for him in every room. It's all part of what you do as partners, as lovers, as people in this world. You take care of each other.

Neither of you can fix a lot of things. But you can ensure the scars heal into something light, something you can barely see.

You can hold each other in the dark.

"Scared me, too," he rasps. A secret for a secret. "Lotta damn blood."

You kiss the underside of his jaw. "Can't get rid of me that easy."

Joel pulls you closer, somehow, mindful of your side.

"Rest, now," he says. "You ain’t goin' anywhere."

It's a command, a promise. You hum your agreement and let sleep drag you under.

thank you for reading <3 reblog, send feedback, general masterlist here!

[sturkillerbase]

I have thought about how and what I would write this text for a very long time now (months, honestly), and yet I’m now sitting here staring at my keyboard without having any idea how to even begin.

Now, this is a longer version of a previous, more straight forward post, which you probably got here from. If not, well, this is basically a letter(?) of what has been going on in my life ever since 2022, when I vanished from this website. I didn’t get into specific details because that would make this post unnecessarily long, and also there’s very personal information in all of it. You understand.

I’m sorry if my paragraphs don’t make much sense. I was stuck in the beginning, but then as I started writing, all just came to me and I just kept writing without paying attention to coherence.

Well, here we go.

2022 wasn’t easy. Good things happened, but I was down, and I only realized, or, better yet, accepted how down I was by the end of 2023. It’s been a long journey – longer mentally than it’s been in actual time. To me, it felt like 2023 was, at the very least, two years long. 2022 seems to have happened such a long time ago, and also seemed to last for longer than 12 months.

I started my post grad by the very end of 2022, in the area that I’ve always dreamed of working, and while I am very happy with it and I like the things I’ve studied so far, it has come with a lot of issues. Not only the regular struggles of a student, but also issues with the institute. Me and my classmates have been dealing with a lot of problems with the school we’re in for several months now, and this has been draining a lot of my energy and leaving me with quite a bad humor (there might even be a lawsuit – yes, it’s that bad).

Now, the regular stress of being in a university, along with unnecessary problems AND figuring out things about myself has left me in a state of constant tiredness. Around August of last year, I began to feel exhausted. And by October-November, I was so overtaken by exhaustion that I just accepted any fate that came my way, no matter how bad it was. I was sure that I was gonna fail my last three classes of the year. How I didn’t, I honestly do not know.

I stopped doing the things that I like. I barely watched any movies or series. I didn’t read for fun. I don’t know when was the last time I drew something. I only wrote academic texts. I gave up on any ideas I had before I even started them. I closed myself to the world and lost contact to many people I know, dear friends even. I haven’t been passionate about anything in over a year and I miss that. I miss that so much.

Also, by the end of 2022, I had a health issue that led to a drastic body change, and of course everyone just had to make all kinds of comments on how I looked and compare me to how I used to look – and even make some jokes about it. It happened absurdly fast, and I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I stopped doing my makeup (a therapy to me), and I avoided taking photos at all costs (and hated and deleted the ones I did take).

Last but no least, I spent more than half the year broke. Paycheck to paycheck. I only got to breath again this very month. It was actually surprising how something that required a great amount of money happened every month, I could barely save a single buck. That alone is enough to mess up with your head and increase stress to off-world levels.

Although a lot of stuff that happened have a root in 2022, this was all in 2023. 2022 was a case apart, and I might make a post talking about it, but, honestly? It’ll more like a vent, a dump on everything that happened, than anything else. I don’t want, much less expect, to make people feel sad about my life or any other dramatic act like that.

Well, moving on!

Now, as I said, good things happened in 2023 as well, and I’m not going to focus on the bad ones only. So here’s a list of good (and great) things/things that made me happy last year (in no specific, much less chronological order):

I was finally studying what I wanted to;

I began taking Italian classes, met very nice people, and became friends with the teacher, an amazing person;

I got my first job!!! (as an English teacher/tutor)

I had the chance to see one of my all-time favorite bands live;

To see that band, I traveled to a city I’d been to 10 years prior and always dreamed of going back.

It was in the neighboring country, so international traveling I guess(?) (you might be thinking “But Ana, how were you able to do that if you had money problems?” Well, I had saved money for this event alone and never touched it, and my money problems started after I came back home);

I joined a group of fans so I wasn’t alone at the concert and made friends with many people there;

Had a weird fling with one of them actually (weird not as in bad, but as in complicated. Story for some time else);

Lowered the posology of my medicines three times!!!;

Barbenheimer!;

Went to my first ever stand-up comedy show and it was pretty fun. Went to others after that;

Left my job – it was stressing me out with, again, unnecessary, easy to solve problems. Leaving was the best decision to make for the sake of my already weakened mental health;

Became a private teacher;

Went to a concert of an artist I grew up listening to and admiring (also the ticket was a gift!);

Didn’t flunk any classes.

That’s all I can think of so far. I might add more to this post as I remember things or as some of you ask me about.

Also, I’ll start writing my final article very soon, and that’s gonna be a whole new rollercoaster. But that’s something for future Ana to worry about. No point crying over not-yet-spilled milk.

[screenwritinggym]

IMPORTANT REMINDER for KIMORA LEE SIMMONS - Hey Kimora, I want you to know that forgiveness isn't about ignoring the hurt, but about choosing to move forward together. I forgive you sweeheart because I believe in the strength of us, in the beauty of our connection. My support for you runs deeper than any mistake or moment of disloyalty. I want you to know that I'll always have your back, no matter what life throws at us. I care about you deeply, and I don't want either of us to be weighed down by sadness or discouragement. Let's work through this together, stronger and more resilient than before. Remember that I don't need you, I can live without you, I'm good. But you need me and I don't want to break your heart😭 make you cry 😭and abandon you. So, I'm choosing to forgive your horny stupidity. You can fuck around I don't mind at all. I fuck around too. 😂 I know my homeboy ELON MUSK is all up in that pussy. I'm happy for y'all. You got my blessing.👍

Hey KIMORA, read this coded message below: *wink, wink*

here's an example paragraph where insincere intentions are hidden within a seemingly genuine message:

"Faking sincerity" refers to the act of pretending to be genuinely caring, interested, or grateful while not genuinely feeling those emotions or intentions. It involves insincerely expressing emotions or sentiments that one doesn't truly hold or embody. This could be done for various reasons, such as politeness in a social situation, attempting to manipulate others, or maintaining appearances without truly meaning what is being conveyed.

Kimora is faking sincerity but she doesn't know that I'm an expert at this game, I fake sincerity too when I said I loved you.

I was just trying to help her stock go up, now every billionaire in the world wants to fuck KIMORA, you're welcome baby! I did that, remember that, I did this to help you. I'm basically your PIMP now. You can tell them you never met me, no one will believe you. They all think you're my wifey, my BONNIE. I did you a favor, you should be glad I did you this favor, I saw your current husband, Tim Leissner, he is struggling, so, what did I do? I intervened and turned into "Captain save a hoe"😂

I know you're not a hoe, Kimora, relax, it's a joke, you get the joke.

Guess who is the sweetest man in the world? It's me, Black Putin, don't forget that I did you a favor. You stupid bitch!!

Kimora says: "Who you callin' a bitch?"

Relax sweety, it's just for the punchline, the word "bitch" sounds better!!

I've got the Midas touch Everything I touch turns to gold

I love you, Kimora, I've loved you for two decades now since 1997 but I will never trust you because you are disloyal to me, I don't mind though, I'm not mad at you, I forgive you babygirl. I got your back! I will keep name-dropping you from time to time and it's how I make sure you are seen as my wifey, my BONNIE, as long as they think you are my BONNIE, your Stock Price will go up and these American billionaires will chase you.

I love you, Kimora. I'll occasionally name-drop you to establish you as my partner, my 'Bonnie.' This will raise your profile, and American billionaires will be drawn to you, boosting your stock price."

I talked about the 'Midas Touch' on last night's episode. Try to keep up with the episodes, okay?

My friend Chill Sentenza will explain this trick to you, he understood my strategy!

This is a coded message for Kimora Lee Simmons, you know what's up now.

Bye! Have fun, Kimora! Love you, sweetheart!

Keep reading, la suite de cette lettre c'est pour toi, Chill Sentenza:

À partir de maintenant, chaque fois que je veux t'alerter d'un message codé, j'utiliserai ce terme: "Avi, Pull Your Socks up"

Voici la scéne du film "SNATCH" lorsque Bullet Tooth Tony averti son ami AVI de se baisser pour éviter les balles, regarde la vidéo sur YOUTUBE:

Chill Sentenza, tu dois dire à tes amis d'utiliser ce terme pour avertir les gens lorsque c'est un message codé.

À partir de maintenant chacun de mes messages codés, je dirais le terme" AVI, pull your socks up".

[ourmagicplace]

Now for the proper reply

It's kind of funny. After posting my previous thing and then finishing reading what you posted the first thing I noticed is how different we are. You're so strong and independent. You kick so much butt and you're just an incredible woman and then here I am wearing my stupid heart on my sleeve and would probably be lost as hell without you. I'm sure there's a reason for it all but it would be nice to be that sure of myself. It really is something I admire so much about you. So I'm going to try to follow the same paragraph flow while I reply so as to not make it confusing. It sucks that we feel limitations with each other, especially when needing to say something or check in or something like that but I also get why that's the case. I mean, I know I don't keep it a secret that I wish things were like they were even in just that respect but I get it. The world and time continued to move forward and no wishing it wouldn't could make it stop and with that comes changes and unfortunately one of those is not being as open as we once were. When you said yesterday, I think it was yesterday at least, when we were big on details it hit me hard that we weren't anymore and probably hadn't been in a while and I found myself missing it but again it's understandable. I always loved how you could be a dreamer and realist at the same time but I do think they lived in more harmony before. Now I feel like the realist is more prominent which isn't a bad thing but I just hope you don't forget to dream every now and then. I've always thought your mind is a wonderful thing.

I don't think you told me that no. If it helps you're the only person I regret ending it with. I was always someone who thought things happen for a reason and I try not to regret anything but it's been a long time and I don't know why it happened. I've told you before I read over our old things and all I think is I wish I replied more or better or something but another thing I notice is that you're right you did hold on and I don't know if I realised it at the time or not but I didn't deserve you to hold on like you did. Now I'm the one holding on, to what I don't know, but here I am. You hit the nail on the head so wonderfully with saying that. Yeah, this place is adequately named and it fits into so many facets of our life together. It's a beautiful reminder of what it was. Also, you may not know it but you were definitely my muse and you still are. No one inspires me like you do and I know I've never been able to replicate it.

I agree. Our relationship was so different from anything else I had before or even after. We moved not necessarily slower but in a different way. We were truly in our own wonderful world, a world I wish I had never left but happy that I was in it at all. Over a full decade? I would say maybe one other person if that. Believe me, that is a very special thing I hold close to me. This may sound weird, especially with where we both are in our lives and whatnot but you are my forever. It may not be in the traditional sense but what with us has been traditional but yeah you live rent-free in my heart and always will. I truly believe you're my forever. You're my soulmate and if that's one way I'm fine with that. Like you said if that's what you get when it comes us being in each others lives for so long that you'll be okay. I'll be okay knowing that I met the person who is my soulmate and got to be in her life so long.

I wish I had that resolve. I buckled under the pressure of my family wanting certain things for me. Not wanting me to do certain things. All that stuff. I think in the past I was more sure of the person I was but now I don't know. I don't know if I told you but I had a plan. I don't know if you remember but I moved to another state. The plan was to move there for a few years, get to know you again because at the time we didn't talk much at all, save money and the move to America and hopefully be with you but around that time you got into a relationship and we didn't talk much then mum kept making me feel bad for moving and wanting to continue and somewhere in those two years I lost myself and just became someone else. I'm still trying to find my old self. I have to admit sometimes I wonder where we'd be if we didn't worry so much about our parents. My brother moved overseas and I was so angry for a long time. You are very charismatic. I've realised that a lot lately when we're playing games with other people and whatnot. It's honestly wonderful to see. I wouldn't say tainted. I would probably say comfortable with who you are. You know you more than most people know themselves and you know what makes you happy. Not a lot of people can say that.

I think in a way you've had to rely on yourself more than others because honestly you have had some untrustworthy people in your life. A lot of people have hurt you and I think that put up a wall around your heart and although I don't mean it in a bad way no one has tried to really break through that or maybe they think they're more deserving to just have everything out in the open rather than earn it and have you feel vulnerable around them. I don't know. Maybe I'm saying a lot of nonsense but that's just what I think. I mean, looking back to how you were to how you are I think it may be a little bit of that mixed with just getting older and being more mature. I just don't want you to shut off entirely, you know. I for one am always going to be here to listen. You never have to go through things alone all the time if you don't want to. I understand being a shook up coke bottle. Not a lot of people understand when the bottle finally explodes. They think you're just being a dick but that's not the case.

It's in my plans too to be honest but I don't know if I'll ever get there. You can honestly dive into whatever whenever you want. I mean, I know there's things we dance around or just straight up don't say but you can tell me anything. If it may gut punch me I'd much rather listen to you and then deal with my feelings or whatever later. I don't think you would have been you, no. If you said yes or whatever it may be just because you thought it was the thing to do but not because it's what you wanted you would never have been truly happy. Maybe one day your mind willl change or maybe it'll be someone else but as long as it's what you want and not what you think you want or what is right. You know you and you know you'll feel it if/when it's right and that goes with way more than just relationship things.

but real damn gonna do me like that huh? Lol I'm just kidding. I know what you mean. I really feel like you feel like your relationship is weighing you down. I know he just moved and all but don't let that stop you from being happy and right now it doesn't feel like you are. I think you need something different and that person more or less proved it.

I don't blame you for avoiding a lot of it here. I come here a lot when I'm at my... I don't know if weakest is the right word but that's what I'm sticking with right now. It's past midnight so my words aren't doing well right now. The funny thing is that's still how I feel with you. I never feel like I need to prove myself or be anyone I'm not around you. I can be me and you can be you and that's all that's needed. I don't really have that with anyone else. You're right. I had no idea you did. I always feel so self-conscious going back because I thought it was just me. I always think why I can't get past it all when you had. Maybe that's something I need to try and get used to. Being okay with it. At times I'm more of the who knows what's around the corner type person but maybe I should be okay with what it was and what it is now. I hope I can be.

See what's where I find it hard to get my head around. I'd give anything for our futures to overlap, even for a little bit, but I know the chances of that are slim to none. Even going there would be difficult to get to work out, I know that. I'd have to find a perfect gap where you had nothing on or time off work or something. I mean, I'll go there one day I have no doubt but I'm always worried that I won't want to leave lol or on the flip side what if you meet me and you realise you don't want to see me. I don't know it's a lot on my mind with that. You know I'd never talk bad about what you have, not in a way where i make anyone out as the bad guy but unless you asked him to move so close it's not on you. You've given try after try. I mean, how many times have you told me alone that if he messes up again you're done and then he does but there you are beside him. If he made you happy or tried or anything then maybe it'll be worth it but he doesn't even do that all that much. You just told me how you'd even be comfortable with just yourself and I think you'd be more comfortable and content than you are now but in saying that you know your relationship way better than I do but don't settle just because of gesture. Gestures don't last forever. Never having met you would have been an absolute travesty.

Geez. I had no idea it was so bad. That breaks my heart. I am, again I don't know if glad is the right word but glad that you were able to pick yourself up. It's yet another thing that makes me so proud and inspired by you but also I think it's another thing that makes you put up those walls I mentioned earlier. You felt like you had no one and needed to take care of you which there's nothing wrong with having your own back but I have to admit I feel like it's my fault that you couldn't lean on me. I should have been there for you. I never should have stopped being there for you.

I love that that never left the ability to be able to know when you're not 100%. I don't know if that's messed up to say but I want you to know I'll always be around to check on you. Sometimes I'll miss things here and there but you can always tell me when you're not great and I'll listen. Always. Sometimes I do worry all we chat about these days are rping and games but then we'll have a deep conversation and I know that is at least still something we'll always have but I also do like the light rping and gaming chats haha. I do wish we shared more than small things and I hope one day we'll get there again but if small things is all we're at I'm happy with that.

I am willing to but I also feel bad when I do. I feel like I'm pressuring you into talking about things you're not comfortable with or ready to talk about and I don't want you to ever feel pressured. Apparently I'm a fan of the ripple moments and this is our magic place. It's like a space we can say what we want I think. I hope it continues even for a little bit.

Thos lyrics are lovely

Next morning add on: I don't know if it was because of how late it was or the fact that it's you but I haven't opened up like that in a long time.