chronically-clueless-and-tired

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

Quick Rant

It is official, I am single. After nearly two weeks of trying to talk things out, I realized he had no intentions of making things work with me. To backtrack, two weeks ago, he broke up with me. His friend had suggested it, which is what hurt the most initially. His dad and coworkers encouraged it, and he threw every excuse and issue in our relationship into why it had to end. Not going to lie, it hurts. There’s many thoughts going through my head. The whole fantasy I had built up in my brain shattered. Not only the dreams I had about our future, but also the idea I had of him. I always thought of him as a very noble man who would do anything for me. 180 that, and he crumbled at the first taste of validation. Lustful men are not just weak in their lust but also in their mindset. He kept insisting he loved me and he wanted to make things work, but he just couldn’t see how they could. I guess it is for the best that we broke up, given that during these two weeks, my cousin died. While I was burying her, he went on a trip with another girl (and two other friends). Apparently, his dad couldn’t stop talking and asking about her. So all I can imagine now is even if we did end up together, him out with other people while I’m stuck home. One thought I can't warp is that he knew me. He saw me for who I was, and he loved me for who I was. I can't get over the thought that no one else will ever see through me and love me like that again. I can't get over the thought that he will love someone else like that again. I'm incredibly selfish and don’t want to see him loving someone else. Even months from now, I can’t imagine him giving another girl the love he gave me. Even if I’m not with him, I don’t want him for anyone else (in the least murderish way possible). Time to start trying to get over him, however long this will take. 

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

What’s it like living with chronic illness? It’s being punished for something entirely out of your control. Not only by life but by those around you. Remember that Mom I had mentioned? As I’m writing about this she is berating me calling me “immature” “lazy” and “childish” making sure to remind me any future man I marry would kick me out. Calling my crazy and letting me know that I do nothing but eat and hide away. Ironically my chronic illness is vomiting so I actually avoid eating unless I have too. All of this was brought on because yesterday was the town fair and I didn’t go. Loud monster trucks and greasy food is guaranteed to get me a migraine and make me nauseous. Today I’m a lazy nobody because of that. That quick, a year of suffering and pain disappears into nothingness because the only person who is meant to protect me says so. Chronic illness is hard and isolating but it can become hell when the people around you bring hell. I once saw a tiktok that said “I will never forget the people who gave me a hard time when I was already having a hard time” and that’s exactly how I feel now. I often fantasize about the day I become successful and happy. The day where my Mom begs for my help only so I can tell her off. But until that day comes I’ll stick to what I know. Dr appointments and real hell on earth.

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

One step forward, two steps back

Where does time go? Something so unimportant plagues my mind every day. It's been a while since my last journal entry. I started work as I mentioned before, and those 8-hour days were absolute hell. Adding finals, I was not doing too well. Though I was sick to death, unable to drink or eat anything, time just flew by. I counted down the minutes, but would it have mattered? It feels so long ago, a time when I thought I could live normally. Tomorrow is my last shift, and I don't want to go. Mainly because I don't want to feel sick, but also because it would make everything real. I'm ashamed to admit that when they asked why I was abruptly leaving, I pulled the cancer card. Not that I have cancer, my cousin does, but I still used it. Good old "family cancer, sorry." My mom says she isn't getting better. Fortunately for me, facing hard truths hasn't been my specialty lately, so I personally believe she will be fine. As far as I go, this past week has been hell. I had two friends and lost one, which leaves me with one. Math is easier with smaller numbers. Remember that boyfriend I was working things out with? We didn't work out. In a moment of panic, I sent him a long paragraph, basically highlighting what I was worried about. We broke up for good, and the next morning, he hopped on a plane to Japan, where he is currently sending me landmark pictures from. How do I politely tell him I don't want to see those? How do I politely reach out to people and tell them that I couldn't care less about the way they hurt and abandoned me? My singular friend is asking. The worst of it all is that I don't even know why my friend and I don't talk. One day, she suddenly turned cold, and now I feel like I'm mourning all alone. I could compliment her on many things, but communication is not one of them, so it feels pointless to even reach out. She's leaving for college in a couple of weeks anyway, so better to forget. As far as I go, I quit my job. The job I was supposed to use to save up for college. My chronic illness made it impossible for me to keep working. I would throw up water and have terrible migraines and nausea by the end of my shift. Then I'd go home and cry that I couldn't be a normal human. Plan A was marrying my boyfriend, and Plan B was going to college, but now it seems like neither of those things will happen. Plan C was offered by my ex 2 days ago, which was joining him out of state, where he works. Not to rekindle anything, just to go visit and have fun. Every part of me wanted to say yes, but being sick, I just had to say no. Looking back, though, I find that part funny. The ex that I dated for two weeks is more considerate of me than the man I dated for 3 years. Long before we argued, he didn't ask me if I wanted to go to Japan. He keeps talking about figuring stuff out when he gets back, but I don't want to anymore. I'm over it all.

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

Distance yourself from the people that you don't want to become

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

The Nursing Home Search Continues...

So the journey continues. I wish I could direct this excess energy towards something useful like my finals or standing up for myself when the doctor tells me my blood work looks normal and I am fine. Instead I am writing a back to back blog because I am losing my brains. In a final cry for help I opened up to my boyfriend last night about how I think about how many Xanax’s id need to take me out. Surprisingly, according to google I’d need 100 mixed with alcohol. Good news, I have 30 pills and little desire to drink the only alcohol at home, beer. I don’t want to die but I do think of how all these issues would just disappear. Or would I still have a chronic illness in heaven? Then I’d have more issues. Truth is these thoughts are brought on by my spiraling. My taste of normal life was movies, and going out on dinner dates with my boyfriend. Not much I know, but when you’re glued to the bathroom it’s something to look forwards too. Last two dinner dates consisted of me holding back vomit in the restaurant. I had to walk out, both times. So now I am petrified of going out to eat which means my sanity is slipping away. Add in all the chaos at home and it’s no wonder I had to convince google my mediocre plan was actually a school project. I wonder if I should just force myself to go out. Just say fuck it and try but if 3rd time turns out to not be the charm I will lose it. As far as work goes, I shit my pants. Tomorrow would technically be my final chance to dodge this 3am shift. The only thing stopping me is my low bank account and my vicious Mom. Sometimes I wonder what her karma will be for treating me this way. Will she even get karma? I know other people have it worse than me but I also know other people have it better and thats what fuels my anger. Like for example, there is currently a young girl with a small headache getting endless sympathy from her Mom. But on the contrary, there is a girl with a chronic illness getting kicked out of her house. Oh wait that was me February 2024. Yes I came back home, I had no where to go. I want to move my doctor’s appointment up and hopefully get the help I need. Even if I lose this job, I choose my health. I never thought I’d be so passionate about human health which is ironic considering my high school years consisted of consuming everything crazy I could get my hands on. Though I think about dying, after the initial “what if” comes the “I have to try and give it my all.” I have to try to get better. I want to travel and experience life outside my four poorly painted bedroom walls. I don’t know what exactly I’ll do but I think it begins with my passion to be better. After all, there’s no 5 star nursing homes in the area for my Mom. The best is 3.5 and the worst is 2 stars, take a wild guess which one she’ll be going to. 

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

When Can One Send Their Mom to a Nursing Home?

Is there a God? Is he against me? I would like to believe that there is sometimes a feeling of loneliness is far too overwhelming. This past week has been hell, as you know, I went through a lot. Now I’m inside a Starbucks typing this trying really really hard to not lose my shit. I stayed up till 3 am doing some of my work for finals. I had an assignment due at midnight and, asked, wait, no, begged my boyfriend to help me. Without his help, I would have never been able to turn in my presentation at 11:59 pm. I stayed up a few hours later talking to him about whatever I could. Then I went to bed and woke up around 9 am, super tired. I ended up sleeping on the couch, bed, and couch again, just filled with extreme fatigue. Then, around 4 pm, my Mom came home and all hell broke loose. For context, I DON’T fake my chronic illness. I wish I faked this, but overanalyzing every meal, trying to not projectile vomit everywhere you go is a hard thing to fake, especially over a year. Anywho, she came in guns blazing, accusing me of not being sick and “acting worse than people in a hospital.” By this point, I was lying down desperately fighting my nausea and headache, trying not to slam my head into the wall and call Beetlejuice 3 times so he could take me to the other side. So I closed the door; I did not want to engage. That’s when she stormed in and violently opened the door accusing me of being “a selfish rude bitch.” So I did what any other person would do. I changed and left. Sometimes I hear people with dead Mom’s talk about the jealousy they feel watching young girls out with their Moms and feel super shitty that I can relate. Technically, my Mom isn’t dead, but mentally, I never had one. Throughout my chronic illness, I’ve been fully dependent on my friends, family, and Zofran, but never once on my Mom. Oftentimes, she was the one person I didn’t wanna face because she’d hear me throwing up my guts and insist I have the energy to do a million things for her. I’ve always had a rocky relationship with her, definitely undertones of emotional abuse with top notes of physical abuse. However, with the development of my chronic illness, I've had to truly learn many things. How public restrooms really are public (you can hear everything), how I want to kiss whoever invented Zofran, and how little my Mom truly cares about me. Really wish I could get 5 big booms right now and free caramel latte.

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

Hi, I'm currently ending my college and doing an exchange to New York to do a specialization. I want to meet my favorite artist, who lives around, and be friends with them. Any tips to make a good impression?

Hi <3 When it comes to being impressed, never let someone know. When it comes to artists, if they are famous their ego's are already just a bit inflated. By giving them endless compliments you'll get fan zoned. They will view you as a fan of their work or them. Instead offer small compliments. Treat them like you would any stranger, because they truly are one. Treat it like any new friendship, and if meant be, it will blossom into a friendship.

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

Does rock bottom have a monthly subscription?

  Long time no see, my mysterious and nonexistent reader. You might be wondering where I’ve been. Well, after posting my amazing and glorious 5 dating tips, I got cheated on. That's a higher power giving me the middle finger for acting like a dating expert. To summarize, my boyfriends was subscribed to OnlyFans content. My heart broke when I saw he had subscribed to multiple girls. It has understandably sent me down a spiral, timed right around the college final season. It was a long process of grief and realization. Realizing my friends aren’t close to me, and seemingly neither is my boyfriend. And yes, I say boyfriend, though the whole thing is complicated, so hear me out. This is, after all, my virtual diary. Where to begin? Well, he first told me he had subscribed before we dated. I forced him to tell me the truth, where he revealed he created the account right before our anniversary. In the name of transparency, he blamed me. The classic “I have needs to” then shifted it to the fact that every guy watches that stuff. What hurt the most is that I thought we were truly getting into a happy place in the relationship. I truly believed we were stronger than ever. You might consider me a huge dumbass for taking him back and quite frankly, I would agree. But when your friends leave you on seen, you yearn for comfort during heartache, even if that comfort is right back into his arms. And the thousand-dollar shopping spree was a nice incentive to take him back. Regardless, it’s been a lot. It’s caused me to analyze my friendships, which probably made me spiral more. They were very supportive, but then they kind of disappeared. I’m sure they had their own lives, but it made me question what kind of friendship we have. One where I’m there for them, but that kindness isn’t extended onward? I’m questioning all the relationships I had become so dependent on. The truth is, I'm scared to navigate life alone. I'm scared to face something and have no one to lean on. My self-esteem is down in the pits of hell, and so is my will to do anything. Even pursue this new job. Day 1 consisted of so many red flags. Firstly, they scheduled my second shift at 3 am (I am a cashier), the employees talked shit not only about other employees but even costumers, when I was finally told my official training would be a 15 minute shadow of another cashier. That's not considering the fact that I spent the whole day throwing up because of my illness. It makes me question if I should be doing this. If I should let the job go and instead focus on my health and healing. The truth is, I have no clue what I should do. Really living up to my name, Chronically Clueless and Tired. This chapter, stage, or era, whatever you want to call it, will really test everything in me. Am I ready for the test? Hell no, but I was raised stepping on necks. I know how to fight.

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

5 Dating Tips that you Need to Know

As a Gen-Z girly I have navigated many versions of myself. I have been the heartless hoe, the one that got away, and an all out lover girl. I don't have a type which means I have dated the manly men, nerds, and jocks. Each have their perks but after being in a committed 3 year relationship here are some things I think everyone looking for love should hear:

#1 Be Transparent

Looking for something casual? something serious? BE TRANSPARENT. I cannot preach this enough. The right man will be what you are looking for so why are you looking for a committed relationship in a casual guy? It's never made sense to me. The right guy will agree with you and want what you want. Date 1 shouldn't be a conversation about marriage or kids but it should be about boundaries. "Are you traditional? Do you believe in 50/50? I date to marry, do you?" Are all valid questions

#2 Don't Wait on a Guy/Girl

They ghosted you? Look for the new guy/girl. I promise, no, I guarantee, that the man/lady of your dreams will not have you questioning your role in his/her life. Do not wait for a text back, simply practice moving on. Forgetting and growing. Sure the guy/girl that treated you like shit could theoretically be your prince charming but chances are if you give it a chance you will be living a nightmare.

#3 Practice Communication

I could make a whole blog on the power and necessity of communication alone. I once got told I talk to much about myself and to that I'd respond with listen to me talk. It is so important to communicate. Similar to practicing transparency, practice telling your near partner more about you. You love flowers? Tell them. You don't like that restaurant or part of town? Say it. This will help later on clarifying your needs in the relationship. You cant be disappointed on something you communicated.

#4 Learn to Love Flaws

Will your partner be perfect? Absolutely no. You will never meet anyone perfect, ever. Part of loving someone is loving who they are, including their bad traits. You will recognize flaws and part of being in a partnership is admiring these flaws. If these flaws bother you, you should practice communication but if they don't, then understand them. Before you date make a mental list of dealbreakers and stick by this list. If their flaw is a dealbreaker, end it. If it is an annoyance, love it.

#5 Be Safe

I once saw on the internet this story of a girl who went on a date with a guy she had met online. The guy seemed off, but nothing stuck out so after the dinner when the guy asked to take things to his place she obliged. Once at his place she felt like something was wrong and went into the bathroom and called her friends to pick her up. When they got there, the guy had laid plastic wrap on the floor and had instruments such as a knife, rope, and tape ready. Why am I saying this? I am saying it so you practice, no, LIVE safely. Truth is you don't know these men/women that you are meeting. It is important to be polite but politeness does not mean putting yourself in situations you are not comfortable with. Always share your address with friends along with a name and picture of the person you are going on a date/hangout with.

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

When life gives you lemons... then takes them away

     What’s worse than getting everything you’ve ever wanted? Getting it taken away. Okay maybe that was a dramatic introduction but that dramatic introduction is my current reality. For the past year I’ve been chronically sick and I have spent that year isolated. I’d watch my family go to dinners, travel, and enjoy holidays all without me. Why? Everyone lives far apart and I can't make the drive. Same with my relationship, my boyfriend and I use to go to the town over and just shop. I loved working, having a purpose was rewarding but with my chronic illness I had to stop working. I couldn’t collect unemployment since my doctors at the time didn’t diagnose or help me. So when I started to get better first thing I did was start applying to jobs. Well I just got my first job and instead of being excited I am scared. Scared because I have started getting sick again. I technically haven’t started the job but the day the told me they wanted me on their team I went out to dinner and almost threw up. Almost threw up in the restaurant, store, and even when I got home I still felt sick. This made me nervous. What if I get sick while working? What if I throw up? Will I get fired? I’m not sure what to do other than BEG for an appointment at my local clinic. Problem is I don’t have insurance. And like mentioned before, there is a chance they don’t help me. I’m kinda in a time crunch and there’s a chance they give me a medication that doesn’t work on me. Worse part is I feel trapped. Hopeless, like I cant dare have goals because my vomiting will come back just to haunt me. I wanted this job for so long and now I’m not even sure I should accept it. I feel so dehumanized and hopeless, like my entire identity IS tied down to one thing: my illness. I was born and raised religious but it’s scenarios like these that make me wonder if there really is a God. If I pray hard enough will I be better? Or am I actually praying into the abyss? If I ended my suffering would he accept me? Or would he reject me? Okay sorry maybe that was too dark. On a lighter note, yesterday I spent my entire night manically googling how I felt. And yes, of course I consulted with reddit. What did I find? It’s probably anxiety mixed with actual stomach issues. I made a game plan because of this, call my local clinic and demand an appointment. Otherwise they’d put me on a month long waiting list. Even if I get an appointment, that doesn’t mean I’m guaranteed success. There’s always the chance the doctor dismisses me. Worse case scenario is I live my life as I always have. Isolated, unemployed, and just a little bit bitter. 

[chronically-clueless-and-tired]

Hi, it's me. Here's an introduction to my story and motivation for my health journey. I hope you join me as I navigate adulthood, my wellness, and chronic illness.

 Where to begin? Firstly, welcome. I suck at explaining myself so please hear me out. I am a 19-year-old girl from North America who has, for a year now, been suffering from a mysterious illness. For a year now, I have dealt with absolute hell, unable to regain control of my life. My life consists of nausea and vomiting, headaches and fatigue, and just a hell lot of mental issues. This goes without saying: the daily mental fog. I want to gain control of my health and life narrative. Anyone dealing with chronic health issues probably understands the constant patronizing and dismissal. Some people assume it isn't that bad, and some people assume I'm faking it. Most importantly, they probably understand the loss of self-identity. Your illness becomes you. What you like, dislike, hobbies, and traits are masked by symptoms and accommodations. I have had my true self ripped away from me, and the worst part is, I have no one to blame. I want to change, though. I want to feel and be healthier. My life is stuck at the moment. I keep seeing others reach the goals I had set for myself, and I want to change. My goal with this vlog is to have a diary, an outlet for how I feel while I document my health journey and my journey into regaining control of myself. 

Maybe we should start at the beginning. I wasn't always a bitter, depressed puke machine, believe it or not, this used to not be my life at all. I used to be very healthy and full of energy. Something changed at one point, and to this day, I spend hours overanalyzing what and where everything went wrong. I don't even understand the timeline. All I know is that on Christmas morning 2023, I woke up with the flu and nausea, and ever since then, I have never been the same. To go from exploring the world to being terrified of violently throwing up in front of strangers daily is a big jump. I've tried to get help before, but American medicine was just not doing it. Not that it wasn't working, just that my doctors did little to nothing to get something working. Seriously, once a month I would go into an appointment and be told essentially "that's so weird and not normal... good luck though! Same time next month?" I'm ashamed to admit I did show up same time the very next month. In December 2024, my Mom was overhearing me puke my guts out every day and encouraged me to leave the country to get another opinion from another healthcare system. My mom and I traveled to another country, and the ride there destroyed me. Remember the mental fog I mentioned earlier? Yeah, so my memory isn't spot on, but from what I can remember, the ride was not fun. It was a 4-hour drive to the airport, 3 3-hour plane ride, and then a 2-hour drive from the airport to the place we were staying. The drive to the airport went well until the final 30 minutes. I started to feel sick. Arrived at the airport, threw up (so embarrassing), and prepared for security and boarding. I got fruit snacks and Gatorade at the airport, which I could barely hold down. Once we got on the plane, I found out my assigned seat was an aisle seat right next to two strangers. I felt nauseous the entire plane ride, and even got up to throw up a couple of times. I felt so judged every time I went to throw up until I saw all the flight attendants playing a card game while eating chips and taking shots of Fireball. It was weirdly comforting. I landed, threw up at the airport once more before going through immigration. The cab ride was my real introduction to hell. No, seriously, for a second, I considered the possibility that I had died and this cab ride was my hell. To set the scene, it was hot and I was sweating, I had a migraine, and of course, an insane amount of nausea. This is where the mental fog comes into play. I cannot remember if I fell asleep or what happened, but all I know is one second I was sitting up and the next I was lying my head down, just waking up. I might've fainted, but the truth is I can't remember, and even if I did, I was glad I fainted, took off an hour from the drive. As soon as we got to our destination, I jumped out of the cab and immediately went to bed. Those following 3 days weren't as bad. I didn't eat because I was scared of throwing up, but I wasn't hungry either. Long story short, I went to the doctor, where he didn't diagnose me with anything specifically, but he did explain to me what was happening. He explained that because I often fasted for long hours, the acid in my stomach didn't know what to do with food, so it would send it back up. Mix in the daily vomiting, and my stomach became irritated and developed a hernia. He gave me a couple IVs, a ton of meds, and those next two weeks of vacation were bliss. I ate whatever I wanted and felt great. Fast forward, it's been 5 months, and I mostly still feel well. The first two months, I stopped feeling nauseous, but by month 4, I began feeling nauseous here and there. I would throw up here and there, too. The nausea is subtly coming back, I'm unsure why. And with $60 in my bank account, I can't exactly leave the country again. This time, I refuse to let it get bad again. It's going to be a journey, but I am ready for it.