#now: so i do want to kms and none of my friends like me because im a freak and i cant sleep or eat nothing is wrong

[lavender---sunshine]

A theme in my life right now: am I experiencing Symptoms or am i just Like That

[storiesfromgaza]

"Mom, does it hurt when we get bombarded? Do we feel the pain, or do we just die at once?"

These are the questions that Reporter Youmna El Sayed began with in her interview conducted by the AJ+ network to document her struggles with her children and the suffering of all the people of Gaza

When my kids ask me, 'Mom, does it hurt when we get bombarded? Do we feel the pain, or do we just die at once?' and I have to tell them, 'No, don't worry. It's not going to hurt.' Their father reassures them, saying, 'Don't worry. It just happens once, and that's it.' In the past, we would comfort our children, saying, 'Don't worry. It's going to be okay. It's going to end soon. You'll be fine. We'll be fine.' Everything is shaking—constantly. But now, every night, we tell them, 'Don't worry. We're together, sticking together. If we die, we die together.' Death has become a looming reality since the Israeli army encircled Gaza city. The bombardments have been relentless—from the land, air, and sea. Our building is in a perpetual state of tremor. Three days ago, we awoke to the smoke of nearby fires filling our homes. We sought refuge in the basement, the best option with the least smoke, but it was still overwhelming. The kids were coughing, suffocating, and their eyes were itching. But when it comes to my children, it just hits me so hard, Dina, and I just feel that I can't control it anymore. I can't be that strong, brave woman who's able to control things or get things under control because they're my weak part. I feel a loss of control, unable to maintain the facade of strength and bravery. Judy, usually full of life, now appears quiet and terrified

She doesn't eat much. She doesn't feel like doing anything. I tried to speak to her about things, you know, bring back some happy memories, and I said, as usual, 'What would you like to do the first thing after this war ends?' She told me, 'Mommy, I don't want to do anything except for this war to end. I just want these bombardments to end, everything—the destruction, the despair, the loss.'

I think they tell you that now—we're just hearing news of people dying every now and then—people that we know, friends, colleagues, everyone around us. And it just, you know, really, like, 'May he rest in peace,' and that's it. I just—we just go on because we were just waiting for our turn. You mentioned to me that food is scarce and supplies are low. What is the water situation? We can starve, right? We can go on without food, even as adults. But without water, I'd rather die from bombardments than die from thirst. I don't want my kids at the end to die from thirst. Are you still thinking to move south, and what would that look like? The last attempt was a couple of days ago, and we found out that to move south, we need to walk for at least 6 to 7 km on foot and not carry anything at all with us—none of our belongings. Basically, walk this distance while we raise our hands to show that we surrender, just holding our IDs in one hand and raising the other. And I think that's just extremely humiliating. And it's not just that, you know?

You remember the massacre that everyone saw on TV screens for the civilians that were bombarded on the road? They're still lying there. Until this day, lying there in the streets, their bodies. The crows and the birds are eating from them, and no one has been able to pick them up. The Israeli army has not allowed anyone or ambulances or any medical teams to come to pick these people up and to bury them. How can I let my kids go through a street while they see other children and other people killed and thrown just like that, lying in the street like that, while birds are eating from them? I think that this is just inhumane and more cruel than anything. This is not to worry about fighting Hamas or Palestinian fighters. This war began by eliminating and wiping out the Palestinian people in Gaza. This isn't a war against Palestinian fighters nor Hamas; it's a genocide against Gaza.

[love-belle]

you were my summer love !!!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ in which their fall-in-love-again era is them missing each other while their friends go crazy over their relationship.

or

for when you know they'll be your love for all eternal summers. ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

social media au // pierre gasly x fem!reader

prequel - i want sweet revenge and i want him again ⋆·˚ ༘

warnings - language, mention of vodka once.

author's note - i am in fact not dead :) i hope u all like this <3 i will be back with a new post 4 months later jk I LOVE U THANK U

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by pierregasly, y/n4eva, gasly10 and 56,828 others

paddock.club pierre gasly and celine d'souza have called it quits on their relationship after almost three months of dating, sources close to the pair reported. the pair started dating back in august after gasly broke up with his "summer love", y/n y/l/n, affectionately named as augustine by gasly and his fans. although their break up was kept hush for a long time and so was their relationship, pierre wasted no time in moving on and with none other than social media influencer, celine d'souza. "there is no bad blood between them," sources claimed, "they just didn't fit well and it was no good trying to make it work." for more details about their short-lived relationship and the driver's summer romance with the singer, click on the link in our bio.

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≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by lewishamilton, carlossainz55, landonorris and 2,518,916 others

yourusername yeah i miss the way he kisses and the way he grabbed my ass but i can't do anything about it so idk i cry

14,782 comments

username GIRL WHERE IS UR FILTER

username Y/N NO!!!!!!!!! WE DO NOT GO BACK TO OUR EX!!!!!!!!!

username ngl this version of get him back is fire

username girl get UP

username no bc his dick game couldn't have been THIS good

-> yourusername TIME OUT FOR U 😭

-> username be fr is he really THIS funny

username girl WHY DO U NEVER LEARN

username im honestly gonna kms WHY ARE U DOING THIS TO URSELF

username the gasp i js gasped

charles_leclerc go stand in the corner and THINK

-> yourusername SHUT UP UR LITERALLY NOT VALID HERE

username every day i wake up and every day im amazed that she has managed to attain unattainable levels of delusion

-> username no bc im TIRED

username PLS BABE LET HIM GO.

username y/n have u learnt NOTHING

username the lyric change gawd dayum

username is it bad i kinda want her to do something about it ????? like do it for US im off school for weeks and i need entertainment

-> yourusername thank u for supporting my delusions 🙁

-> username GIRLYPOP NO

landonorris i say we start treating y/n like a bad kitten every time she makes a bad decision

-> landonorris that came out wrong

-> danielricciardo i see your vision here

-> charles_leclerc spray her with water DRENCH THAT DEMON

-> yourusername OFF MY PAGE U UNFORTUNATE MUTATIONS THAT ARE UNEMPLOYED FOR THE FIRST FEW MONTHS EVERY YEAR

-> username OH MY GOD

username i genuinely do not know what to do with this information

username THE WAY HE GRABBED MY ASS OMG

lewishamilton i would genuinely appreciate it if you gave me back my son

-> yourusername he's mine now move along

-> lewishamilton i will never forget that you called me weird

-> yourusername omg i apologised??? and made u sandwiches??? and took roscoe for walks THREE CONSECUTIVE DAYS???

-> username they're FRIENDS

-> username no bc their conversations must be WILD and so RANDOM

-> username im eating up every second of this

username now i js need max and nando to be besties 🤞🤞🤞🤞 with y/n and my life will be complete

-> yourusername i don't want them they're annoying

-> fernandoalo_official this is why pierre chose the other girl

-> yourusername SO LOW

-> maxverstappen1 the reason i like you is because you were drinking pure vodka out of a sippy cup at 8 am without blinking

-> yourusername this is why charles doesn't follow u x

-> maxverstappen1 THAT'S A LOW FUCKING BLOW

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris, danielricciardo and 2,156,976 others

pierregasly do something about it

15,729 comments

username SCREECHING WHAT THE FUCK

username i have never ever been this invested in someone else's life THIS BETTER BE WORTH IT

username oh he's BOLD bold

username i know my girlie is panicking rn she did not MEAN for this to happen

username mf say this to HER

username bitches wouldn't be in this situation if they js TALKED FFS

username no bc i KNEW that something was gonna happen when he posted that song on his story

-> username fr like "when i touch her i feel like im cheating on u" BABE????

username cheating on u by charlie puth is actually so y/n and pierre coded it's INSANE

-> username the way my jaw dropped

charles_leclerc i should confiscate your phone for this

-> pierregasly you were the one who held an intervention for me so that i would "get my shit together"

-> charles_leclerc you don't HAVE to get your shit together if it means that i wouldn't be seeing her everyday

-> pierregasly just say that you're scared of her and MOVE

-> username charles is so valid bc she scares ME

-> username u never know what she's gonna do next and that's the scariest part

username im BEGGING y'all pls get back together

username the sigh that left me when i heard that pierre and celine broke up like 😭

username i live in fear that y/n and pierre will get back together and we won't be getting any more angry petty bitchy songs

username motherfucker MAKE A MOVE

username i know the grid is conspiring to get them together like they're MY menacea

-> username yeah and their most effective method (according to them) is locking them in a room

-> username do u think they know that one of them will not be making it out of the room and it'll probably be pierre 🧍

username i am a child of divorce this is christmas of '07 all over again 😔

landonorris i did NOT see you post this and then throw your phone up at the sky and screech as if someone just turned your ribs inside down to make you feel like a fairy

-> pierregasly stay away from me

-> oscarpiastri oh my god that was you??? i thought one of the cars ran over a cat on the track 😭

-> pierregasly okay mctwinks let's get you back in your playpens

-> landonorris unprovoked ☹️

-> oscarpiastri i would say watch your back but you're in the BACK so ☺️

-> pierregasly I WILL RUN YOU OFF

-> pierregasly i'm sorry my team told me i can't say that

username my head is wrapping itself around all this information like a shawl im going INSANE

username i know pierre is on all fours trying to get y/n to take him back

-> username as he should be idgaf

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by pierregasly, landonorris, lilymhe and 2,628,826 others

yourusername yeah i really missed the way he kisses and the way he grabbed my ass so i did something about it

tagged pierregasly

18,628 comments

username IDK WHETHER TO BE MAD OR HAPPY BUT HELLO???

username im gonna scream bc wtf

username NO WARNING WHAT THE FUCK

username sigh ARE U SURE

username are we SURE it's gonna STICK this time

-> yourusername im 182729291% sure charles is gonna murder him if he acts a bit silly again so i'd say it's looking pretty good!!!!

-> charles_leclerc alex hates it when y/n is sad and they both make it MY problem so i'm sorry if i wanna make pasta in a peaceful and tranquil environment instead of bitching about my best mate

-> alexandrasaintmleux you were the one who came up with the most creative insults every time don't LIE like a LIAR

-> pierregasly charles???

-> charles_leclerc they're LYING they LIE they're LIARS

username why am i js figuring it out that y/n is AUGUSTINE like from august by taylor swift

-> username BABE 😭😭😭😭 HOW DID U NOT KNOW

username something about pierre going from her summer love to love love (we don't talk abt what happened in the middle ☺️)

username someone sedate me they're BACK

username i just KNOW charles is pulling at his hair rn bc i know my man has so much dirt on pierre but they reconciled a bit too quickly

-> charles_leclerc I DIDN'T GET TO TELL HER ABOUT THE DUCK INCIDENT

-> pierregasly ONE WORD AND I WILL ERASE YOU FROM THIS EARTH

-> yourusername charles ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️ don't be shy ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️ i always liked u the most out of ALL his friends ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️ please elaborate ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️

-> yukitsunoda0511 death would've been kinder than this ☹️

-> yourusername STOPPP U KNOW UR MY FAVOURITE I HATE THAT CHARLES MF HE TRIPS ME EVERY TIME I SEE HIM

-> charles_leclerc for the last time, i REALLY did not see the puddle exactly in front of you and i'm really really really really really sorry that you fell in that puddle. and ruined your dress. and made me pay for it. and then pushed me into a fountain.

-> alexandrasaintmleux say away from my gf charles_leclerc 😡😡😡😡😡😡

-> username i have a migraine

username the lore slowly coming to the surface

-> username NAH BC UR TELLING ME THAT YUKI AND Y/N ARE BESTIES???? ALEX AND Y/N ARE LIKE ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️???? CHARLES AND Y/N HAVE BEEF???? HE PUSHED HER INTO A PUDDLE AND SHE PUSHED HIM INTO A FOUNTAIN????

-> username they kept us in the dark for so long we could've had it all 💔💔💔

username time to go on a vacation and make it a mission to hate the dude i meet and then fall in love with him

-> username HATE????

-> username pierre and y/n HATED each other when they first met but then long story short y/n saved him from a jellyfish and then it was lovers part of enemies to lovers ❤️

-> username oh the lore is WILD

username don't be a coward and record get him back with these lyrics 😡😡😡😡😡

-> yourusername i would but pierre would cry if i sang that song again now that he's back in my good books 😔💔

-> landonorris this is why you need to break up again x

-> pierregasly don't make me break check you next weekend

username is it a good time to mention that i saw u at lax and u looked WRECKED so im really glad ur both back together so that he can grab ur ass again

-> yourusername 😭😭😭😭 thank u my love

-> username tears

pierregasly thank you for doing something about it because i could NEVER

-> yourusername someone has to go to the counter and say "he asked for no pickles" in this relationship babe ❤️

-> charles_leclerc i have seen you both TREMBLING at the prospect of human interaction

-> yourusername why are u friends with him pierregasly

-> charles_leclerc not just him now 🥰

-> yourusername i am ready to break up with pierre if it means that i can get rid of this annoying parasite

-> charles_leclerc i go, alex goes

-> alexandrasaintmleux no you go away, i go to yourusername

-> yourusername DEVOURED AND BY HIS OWN GF

pierregasly all jokes (charles included) aside, i love you ❤️ thank you for hearing me out instead of pushing me down the stairs of instant death like charles told me you'd do

-> yourusername i love you 🫶🏼 i could never push u down the stairs, stair (singular) maybe but no ☺️

-> username why r u like this 🧍

username everyone cheer her crisis is GONE

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by yourusername, carlossainz55, maxverstappen1 and 2,578,826 others

pierregasly you were my summer love and now you'll be my forever love

tagged yourusername

17,629 comments

username STOP TEARS ARE LEAKING

username can't believe this is the guy u told y/n she was trippin (she was btw ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️)

-> username character development and threats from f1 drivers does wonders to ur personality

username can't believe we're not gonna get anymore petty and bitchy songs anymore 💔💔💔

-> username maybe the petty and bitchy songs were all the comments from this group we collected along the way

username y'all cannot convince me that charles didn't at least TRY to tell y/n to let pierre GO simply bc he's a little shit

-> yourusername can confirm, the reason it didn't work was because then i'd have to AGREE with 🤮 charles 🤮

-> charles_leclerc you act as if i'm not actively gagging while talking to you

-> pierregasly so good to know that the reason i have a LOVING girlfriend is that she just hates my best friend

username pierre will forever be catching strays as long as y/n and charles remain friends 💔

username everyday i wake up and thank the lord that i exist in a world where pierre and y/n are together and that a dying jellyfish was the cause of it all ❤️❤️❤️

username real talk!!!!! how did mama gasly react when y/n told her that her son sucks

-> yourusername i didn't have to, she called me and told me that herself

-> username iconic

-> pierregasly i'm leaving the country and shaving my hair

username "forever love" i will be on the highway don't test me

username god i have seen and noted what u did for the others

username i love it when men are unapologetically in love with their gfs

lewishamilton happy for you both. please tell y/n to return my dog.

-> pierregasly she's currently cuddling roscoe and asking me to tell you to fuck right off

-> lewishamilton godmother privileges PROVOKED

username i will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that lewis hamilton and y/n y/l/n are FRIENDS like how'd THAT happen

-> username do u think they exchange fashion tips and pointers

-> username they deffo talk shit abt charles' fashion choices

-> username they should add him in the gc and TALK to him bc those choices are HORRENDOUS

username y/n 🎤🎤🎤 did u really key his car 🎤🎤🎤

-> yourusername my lawyer advises me to deny this false allegation

-> pierregasly she did something worse.

-> yourusername OKAAYYYYYYY U R NOT ALLOWED TO TALK HERE

-> pierregasly she put glitter ALL over the interiors

-> username WOAHAHSHSKSKSKD

-> username u deserved it 🗣️‼️

username i need a step by step walkthrough of exactly HOW these two got together and i need it NOW

username so when y/n hates publicly on a dude, she manages to make him her bf but when i do it, i make him my mortal enemy??? make it make sense 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

username it is so sexy of me to continue life even when life (instagram) throws obstacles (y/n and pierre being cute and shit) at me

username i will lay in my grave and dream of a love like theirs

-> username aahh haha didn't mean to get so philosophical mb

-> yourusername that was crazy babe

-> username it's true 😔💔

username me patiently waiting for a summer love that will have me ripping my hair off my scalp 🧍

username YOU WERE MYYYYY SUMMER LOOOVEEEEEEE

-> username one direction 🔛🔝

yourusername 4ever is not so bad after all ❤️

-> pierregasly with you it won't ever be enough ❤️

-> yourusername stop making me cry i have a reputation on here 🙁🙁🙁

-> username she says as if her personality isn't js crying over things all day long and being a Hater

-> yourusername OH FUCK OFF

yourusername i love you 🪤

-> pierregasly je t'aime mon cœur but the emoji? (i love you my heart)

-> yourusername it was the closest thing i could find to a tripod

-> landonorris 🔭 this is right here and also GROSS

-> username why are u all like this

yourusername off topic but i accidentally set off the fire alarm and now im locked in the bathroom bc the lock broke and im kinda Panicking

-> pierregasly why are you a fire hazard

-> yourusername THAT'S WHAT UR CONCERNED ABOUT

username i love it when bitches are chaotic like yessss!!!!!!! go and show us that unhinged energy!!!!!!!

[lilacgyuvin]

out of my league — k. gyuvin

pairing: nerd!gyuvin x popular!gn!reader

synopsis: it’s valentine’s day! what better way to confess to your longtime crush (and the highschool’s most popular student) than with a letter shoved through their locker. just don’t let jiwoong find out.

wrd count: 6.3k (DAMN OKAY BITCH!!!)

warnings: highschool!au, slight hurt/lots of comfort, bully!jiwoong (srry someone had to do it), bullying, one km s joke, reader isn’t a bully, eunseok of riize sneak, jiwoong is really mean 😭 a little crack, funeral talk, not to be taken seriously this is fiction!!

a/n: yk i had to write smth with valentine’s day coming up!! i lobe gyuvin gyuvin pls be my valentine pls plsplspls

“I put a note in their locker.”

It probably wasn’t the best sentence starter, which Gyuvin realizes only after Taerae starts to choke on his strawberry soda mid-chug. Despite his eyes practically bulging out of his head paired with a boisterous gasp amidst hearing Gyuvin’s doings, Eunseok reaches a lending hand out to his suffocating friend’s back.

“You what?!” Eunseok screams in a hushed tone, despite being the only three occupants of the classroom. If Gyuvin didn’t think it was a stupid idea then, well, he certainly does now. He honestly wasn’t going to tell anyone at first; the embarrassment mixed with the fear of rejection almost made him drop the whole plan as a whole. However, binging 3 romance dramas back to back gave him the confidence he’d never thought he’d have otherwise if it weren’t for the male leads and their suave ways, which is what leads him to where he stands today: sending a confession letter to his longtime crush which also ended up being the cause of his friend’s premature death. Thanks, Choi Woong!

Taerae unfortunately survives his cough attack and uses his regained ability to breath properly to discourage Gyuvin’s efforts even more. “Jiwoong’s gonna kill you man.”

Yes, that’s exactly what he wanted to hear right now. He decides against answering with sarcasm and opts out to rolling his eyes as hard as he can at the mention of he-who-shall-not-be-named.

“He didn’t see me put it in,” He certainly didn’t, and Gyuvin knows this because he showed up an hour earlier than normal to slip the note in, partly to avoid Jiwoong and to also beat his inevitable numerous contenders. “Plus, they’re not even dating. They don’t like him.”

Eunseok and Taerae share a glance. They look back at Gyuvin. “Did they tell you that.”

Gyuvin’s starting to get tired of rolling his eyes. Of course they didn’t tell him that, they’re nowhere near close. While they’ve coexisted in the same space for the past four years, their friend groups are on complete opposite sides of the spectrum. They’re admired by everyone, in numerous clubs, and is practically known by the whole school. The only club Gyuvin’s a part of is the Epic Gamers Club™ held at Eunseok’s house every other day. And as far as being admired goes…

“Yo. Gyuvin.”

Oh fuck, it’s so over. Gyuvin is going to die. What’s-his-face is here and Gyuvin is going to die, all because he couldn’t confess to his crush like a normal person. How did Jiwoong even see him? It’s not like he handed the letter to them in plain sight, and there’s no way in hell Jiwoong showed up to school an hour early.

Well, none of that matters anymore. Jiwoong is now walking into the once peaceful confines of the classroom, his goons right behind him, and Gyuvin’s about to meet his end.

All he asks is that Y/n is at his funeral.

Despite coming into the classroom for Gyuvin, Jiwoong is kind enough to make time to mess around with his friends first. Wedging himself in between the three desks facing each other, Jiwoong snatches Taerae’s glasses off his face and tosses them to the floor, and at the same time shoves Eunseok’s tuna mayo kimbap out of his hands. So much for escaping the lunch room.

After watching his friends scramble for their discarded items, Jiwoong turns his back to them in favor of facing Gyuvin, his signature smirk plastered on his face.

Kim Jiwoong: The entire school’s boy crush and simultaneously Gyuvin’s worst nightmare. Going into high school, Gyuvin didn’t think he’d have problems with anyone, his plan was simple: make a decent amount of friends, stay in the honors program so he can get into his dream university, and best his all-time score in Super Smash Bros Ultimate. Oh, and get into his first relationship (since the girl he ‘dated’ in the second grade didn’t count, according to Taerae).

He guesses he strived too hard at the second thing though, as in their freshman year Jiwoong was left at second place in their classes overall academic ranking, and Jiwoong was never second.

Ever since then, Jiwoong has tried everything to sabotage Gyuvin’s grades, which ended in failure each time. So, he just stuck to messing with him. Now Gyuvin wouldn’t really mind if he had got reprimanded for his actions, but he gets away with it— every time. Sneaking slaps upside his head when passing him through the halls, pushing and tripping him during gym, and ‘accidentally’ spilling his drink onto his uniform (which is what initiated classroom lunches amongst him and his friends in the first place): he got away with it all, for four damn years. All because of that facade he puts up in front of everyone. With his perfect grades combined with his charm, he’s adored by students and faculty alike— all but the few who were unfortunate enough to be victims of his ridiculing, Gyuvin included.

The devil himself opens his mouth once again. “I haven’t seen you in a while, you hiding from me?” His smirk forms into a smile, yet it doesn’t reach his eyes, and it holds the same sinister tone as his previous expression did.

Gyuvin looks up at him, disdain hidden behind the neutral shield he’s learned to master in favor of avoiding a swift blow to the face (not that it ever stopped Jiwoong from landing one, anyway). “No.”

At that, Jiwoong’s smile drops, his eyebrows furrow in fake confusion and he starts to look around the empty room. “But… you’re having lunch. In an empty classroom. When there’s a perfectly good cafeteria waiting for you downstairs.” Jiwoong’s friends snicker by the door as he leans down to be eye level with Gyuvin. “Don’t you find that rude, Gyuvin? The staff make sure the cafe is cleaned spotless for scum like you to eat, and you’re eating in the classroom?”

Literally what the fuck is he even talking about. It isn’t uncommon for students to eat in the classrooms, and he knows this because Jiwoong’s literally done it before. It’s in that moment that he realizes Jiwoong just came in here to mess with him, which means he doesn’t know about the letter which means that he won’t die today. Looks like he’ll live to see another day after all!

His newfound happiness isn’t long lived, as in the span of one second, Gyuvin blinks and his food is nothing but a pile of solids and liquids on the classroom’s floor.

Jiwoong gives him a mean snare, despite the fact that all of Gyuvin’s attention is to his now germ-infested food. “And now look, you made a mess.”

Gyuvin can barely hear him and his friends laughing with the way his ears are ringing— no, practically blaring throughout his head. His bulgogi over rice is on the floor. His fucking bulgogi over rice, the last of its kind (as his mom let him have the last of the leftovers), is now nothing but a concoction of soggy meat and rice sautaed with his strawberry milk.

Usually, Gyuvin would be the bigger person and walk away; he’d shut his mouth, clean up the mess, and go about his day. But for some reason, he doesn’t feel like being the mature one today. Maybe it’s the never ending grating laughter coming from his friends, maybe it’s because he’s tired of Jiwoong pushing him around, or maybe it’s just because his mom’s bulgogi is the best bulgogi, and now he can’t have any, all because Kim Jiwoong was bored.

Without a second thought, Gyuvin rises from his chair, lifting his arms to push at the chest of an unexpecting Jiwoong, who stumbles onto the desks of Gyuvin’s friends behind him (he’ll apologize to them for that later). Jiwoong unfortunately finds his footing rather quickly, and doesn’t waste a second as he roughly grabs Gyuvin by the collar, dragging him to the nearest wall and slams him against it. “You fucking crazy? Huh?!”

Those dramas must be really getting to me, Gyuvin thinks. It becomes obvious when he doesn’t shut his mouth after Jiwoong’s question. “Fuck you, Jiwoong.”

He doesn’t even mean to spit in his face, but it happens when he speaks, and he can feel his past self crying tears of joy. He’s been wanting to do this for four years. Maybe the bulgogi sacrificed itself for this very moment. Thanks, Bulgogi. I’ll never forget you.

Jiwoong dryly laughs, lolling his head to the side like the psycho he is. “Yeah, you’ve clearly lost your mind. I’m gonna fucking kill you.”

Okay, remember when Gyuvin thought he was free from begging murdered and would live to see another day? He’s starting to think he spoke too soon.

It’s like things are moving in slow motion; Jiwoong releasing a hand on his collar in favor of making a fist angled straight at Gyuvin’s nose, his friends standing from their seats in dreadful anticipation, and the swift breeze that comes from the door being swung open.

“Leave him alone, Jiwoong.”

Ah, his guardian angel.

In less than a millisecond, Jiwoong’s vice grip on Gyuvin’s collar is released, and the fist ready to knock him out is lowered to his side. A deep sigh escapes his throat before he turns to the agitated student. “Go back downstairs, Y/n. This is nothing.”

Gyuvin almost laughs wholeheartedly at Jiwoong’s weak attempt to redirect them. As if he could get them to do anything he said.

Y/n cooks their head to the side, which in Gyuvin’s book is a telltale sign that they’re about to read the fuck out of Jiwoong. “Yeah, it was nothing, until you decided to come in here and bother them for literally no reason. Do you seriously have nothing else better to do?”

Gyuvin can feel an amused smile crawling onto his face as he watches Jiwoong scramble to find an excuse. Seeing Jiwoong try his hardest not to physically deflate in front of his friends would never get old.

And neither would his good-boy facade, apparently! Despite being caught in the act by Y/n for the millionth time, Jiwoong still attempts to save face by pulling out the puppy eyes plucked from the deepest pits of Hell, paired with the fakest apologetic look Gyuvin’s ever witnessed, and turns to be face to face with Y/n, caressing their arm in what he thinks is a comforting gesture. “Come on, don’t be like that. What, you want me to apologize?”

“Yes.”

Like he’s just heard he’s due to get castrated tomorrow morning, his hand’s cease the petting motion and Jiwoong does a double take. “You serious?” He looks into their eyes for any signs of humor behind them (which is stupid for issuing an apology, Gyuvin thinks), and when he doesn’t find any, he drops the act faster than Gyuvin can say ‘COD sucks’ and pinches the bridge of his nose, letting out the loudest groan known to man. “Oh my- fine.” Jiwoong looks to his right, locking eyes with him, “Sorry for knocking over your piece of shit lunch, Gyuvin.”

Piece of— his mom’s bulgogi?! Of course Jiwoong wouldn’t know the significance the lunch held for Gyuvin, but he wouldn’t care anyway, so Gyuvin breaks eye contact and rolls his eyes as far into his head as humanly possible.

Gyuvin, now making his way to his book bag to retrieve napkins for his late lunch on the floor, can’t see the look of disbelief on Jiwoong’s face, but he sure can hear it. “What, you’re not gonna accept my apology?”

Gyuvin doesn’t stop fetching for the tissues even when he hears Jiwoong’s footsteps approaching him, and neither does he stop when they come to a halt. “He doesn’t have to do anything,” When he finally retrieves the napkins, Y/n is at his side on the floor, grabbing the empty plastic bag on his desk. “Now if you aren’t going to help clean up, then leave.”

Jiwoong furrows his eyebrows. “You don’t need to help them, Y/n.”

“I also don’t have to meet with you at the cafe after school.”

Oh, Gyuvin knows that one hurt. Everyone knows Jiwoong’s been dying to ask Y/n out for a while now (mostly because he’d never shut up about it), and boy was Gyuvin right. He stumbles over his words as he raises his arms before dropping them. “Come on, Y/n. It’s Valentine’s Day.”

Despite the obvious hurt in his voice, they don’t even spare him a glance, focusing on the mess in front of them. “..So? We’re not dating, take Minjeong or something.”

A beat of silence passes, and he thinks Jiwoong died of embarrassment until a scoff erupts from his throat. Okay, there was no way Gyuvin would miss out on seeing Jiwoong’s face after getting rejected before he could even confess, so he raises his head and fully suspects Jiwoong to be sulking or something. He was so wrong. When Gyuvin looks up, Jiwoong is staring right at him, his eyes holding nothing but disdain and revulsion. Wow, Gyuvin thinks, if this is how he reacts to them just simply helping me, what’s he gonna do when they accept (which they hopefully will) my confession? He’d rather not think about that right now actually, and he doesn’t have to any longer, as Jiwoong turns on his heels and makes his way out of the classroom, his goons behind him, but not before mumbling a parting gift for Gyuvin. “Fuckin’ freak.”

So original. Anyway, Gyuvin’s just glad he doesn’t have to deal with him for the rest of the lunch period. His friend’s are quick to his side, and he reassures them that he’s fine. “I’ll go get more napkins.” Eunseok nods and rises from the floor, and is halfway through the door before he stops when he realizes Taerae isn’t behind him.

He cranes his head to the side, and from the corner of his eye he can see Taerae still at Gyuvin’s side. Unbelievable. “Um, Taerae.” He raises his head to his friend standing, and doesn’t get the hint until Eunseok is nudging his head towards the hallway in a ‘get-the-fuck-out’ sorta way.

He looks between Gyuvin and Y/n before his whole body straightens, finally getting up from his crouching position. “Oh! Um, yeah. I’m going to get napkins too.” While Taerae walks towards his other friend, Gyuvin raises his head, and Eunseok gives him a thumbs up in support. It’s in that moment that Gyuvin decides pizza’s gonna be on him at tonight’s Epic Gamers Club™ meeting.

A beat of silence passes, only the sounds of his poor lunch being scooped up into the bag are heard, until Gyuvin musters the courage to start the conversation.

“Thanks for helping me.” He doesn’t have to stop his task to know that they’re smiling. “Of course, I’m sorry about him.” They say in a remorseful tone.

Gyuvin hates the way they apologize on Jiwoong’s behalf, but at the same time he can’t help the way their kindness makes him feel all warm and gooey inside— They're just too good for this world. “You don’t have to apologize for him. You’re not his babysitter.”

His last comment seems to make Y/n laugh. ‘Huh, I’m just funny like that, I guess’ (It’s what he’s thinking, but his friends would agree to disagree.) “It sometimes feels that way.”

Gyuvin hesitates to ask his next question; they’re not exactly close, but he’s been feeling all sorts of confident recently, so he does anyway. “Why do you hang out with him? With them?” ‘Them’ being the rest of Jiwoong’s posee who think they’re hot shit; being all types of mean to other students just because of their looks or their parents’ social statuses. Gyuvin doesn’t think he hates anything more than a snobby rich asshole, which is what induced Gyuvin’s question in the first place, because Y/n isn’t a snobby rich asshole, yet they hang out with a group of them. It’s a question he’s been dying to ask for years now, and all it took was for Jiwoong to fuck up his lunch. Gyuvin almost mentally thanks him, but he barfs in his mouth a bit just thinking about it.

A few seconds pass, and it seems like they’re trying to find an answer to the question themselves. A nervous sigh passes through their lips as they wipe at the strawberry milk staining the floor. “Well, I guess I just fell into it? The friend group, I mean. When I first transferred, I thought they were really nice. At least they treated me that way. I don’t know why.”

‘Because you’re smart and all types of talented and you’re fucking gorgeous’ and a thousand other things is what Gyuvin wants to say, but he keeps his thoughts to himself and lets them continue. “But yeah, they’d always push me to hang out with them, and I guess by the time I realized who they truly were, everyone had already established their friends groups.” At this point is where they ran out of napkins and there was still a bit of the mess left over, so the two sit across from each other, leaning on the legs of the desks behind them. Despite loving the alone time they’re getting, Gyuvin hopes Eunseok and Taerae come back with more tissue soon, or else he’d have to explain the mess to his teacher, thus taking the fall for Jiwoong once again. His sulking that came from just thinking about the possibility is interrupted when Y/n speaks again, in a more hushed tone this time. “I guess I’m just scared of being alone.”

Woah, Gyuvin’s never thought of it that way. Having no friends was a valid fear, hell, Gyuvin felt that way before he met his. He can’t imagine how it would affect Y/n. The school’s most popular student: a loner— they’d never hear the end of it.

He hates that they feel like they need to hang out with pieces of shit to avoid being lonely, when that isn’t the truth at all. As delusional as it may sound, Gyuvin is right here. Who cares if they don’t have similar interests? They can introduce each other to all their different hyper fixations and special interests. And so what if they’re from seemingly different worlds? Gyuvin would swim across all the oceans and walk over thousands of miles if it meant getting to be with Y/n. Every time they’re paired to work on an assignment together, whenever they congratulate him on yet another academic achievement, when Y/n spots him in the hallway and stops to talk to Gyuvin and only Gyuvin. It never gets old, his heart beating a million times over with how kind and effortlessly funny and drop dead gorgeous they are. Fuck, he thinks, I don’t know if I’ll be able to go on if they reject me.

Gyuvin never wants them to feel alone, he needs to let them know that such a thing can never happen. He can tell his silence goes on longer than expected with the way they start to nervously fiddle with the edges of their uniform sleeves. He says it before he can think about it for another second. “You don’t have to be alone. I-I know we’re not close, but you can talk to me.”

With the speed in which their head lifts from their fixed view on the ground, Gyuvin doesn’t know if he’s successfully swooned them or if he effectively fucked up his chances at being anything to them. He needs to save face, so he raises his hands in defense, his eyes widening in pure fear. “O-only if you want to! Like. Just in case you felt like it or whatever.” Yeah, it totally wouldn’t put me into anaphylactic shock if you were to seek me out in any way shape or form!

Gyuvin lowers his hands, leans back on the legs of the desk, and watches as Y/n’s expression transforms from one of shock, to pure adoration. Their eyes soften in a way Gyuvin’s never seen before, and if he were to look a little closer, he swears there are tears swimming at the brim of them, threatening to fall.

‘FuckifImadeY/ncryI’mgonnaenditall’ is the one thought running through Gyuvin’s head as he waits for a response. He isn’t joking either— he’s sorry to his loved ones and all that, and he supposes the Epic Gamer Club™ would have to go on an indefinite hiatus with the emotional trauma it’d leave on his friends. He wonders if his dog would be brought to his funeral?

Turns out he won’t have to plan out his funeral arrangements after all, that becomes clear when a warm smile meets their eyes, and the tears dwindle to a glassy thin layer over their eyes. “I’d love to. Thank you, Gyuvin.”

Oh Gyuvin thinks his heart just exploded, but like, in a good way. A love explosion, if you will. He doesn’t waste a beat before he’s sporting a smile of his own, sitting straighter than before. “Anytime.”

His friends aren’t back, the period isn’t over yet, and he doesn’t want to stop the conversation there. So, he talks about the thing that’s been plaguing his mind for the past week. “I saw your locker. You got a lot of letters.”

Y/n laughs bashfully at the mention of the hundreds- no, thousands of letters they received today. When they arrived at school, they opened their locker and was bombarded with a sea of pink and red cards that practically drowned them, and by the time second period rolled around, their desk was stuffed to the brim with even more advances in the form of candies and cute plushies. “Yeah, I haven’t even gotten to a single one yet! I’ll do it before school ends, though. I’m glad people like me enough to get me things.”

They’ve got to be kidding. The spring semester of freshman year was absolutely rocked by the wave that was Y/n’s arrival. Despite coming from a normal, middle class family, they were quick to rise in popularity. At first, it had just been their beauty that seemed to draw everyone in, but as soon as they were able to showcase their physical and academic skill, along with their endless heaps of kindness, they became more than just a pretty face, and the whole student body can testify to that. Unfortunately, by the 4th day into the new semester Jiwoong and his loser-ass friends had already sunk their claws into Y/n and scooped them up before any other group could. But yeah, anyone who doesn’t love Y/n is crazy and is probably most definitely going to hell.

‘I hope you read mine.’ It’s at the tip of his tongue, he’s straightening his posture to sit taller and ask them with his whole chest, and—

“More napkins!” is the opener Taerae decides to go with as he and Eunseok barge into the confines of the classroom. “Uhh sorry we took so long, we were arguing about…” he turns to Eunseok who just shrugs his shoulders before turning back to the two. “.. who the strongest avenger is.”

Gyuvin wants to roll his eyes, partly because they couldn’t have come up with a lamer excuse even if they tried, they unknowingly sabotaged his unplanned confession, and cause the strongest avenger is obviously Scarlet Witch.

He decides against it, rather locking eyes with Y/n who he finds is already staring at him, and they exchange equally bashful smiles. Gyuvin isn’t mad at his friends, not when they invade his and Y/n’s space to help clean the last of the mess, and not when they use the rest of the lunch period to bombard them with questions like, ‘have you read kimetsu no yaiba?’ and ‘where would you go if a zombie apocalypse broke out?’ (they answered with staying in Seoul, which prompted Taerae to blatantly tell them they’re going to die, which in turn earned himself a slap from Gyuvin).

He isn’t mad because he still has a chance: today, at 3:00 in room 124 after school like his letter specified. He hopes, some way, that through the piles of letters and candies and plushies and whatever the hell else, they somehow recognize Gyuvin’s from the crowd, and pick him.

It’s time.

It’s time, and Gyuvin’s got it all figured out: Although school’s ended 45 minutes ago, he knows Y/n is part of the cooking club, so he isn’t keeping them behind or anything. He used that time to run to the flower shop a few minutes away and get them their favorites along with a stuffed animal. The classroom he initiated the meeting place in was one that was barely used by students, let alone teachers, so they wouldn’t be disturbed. Oh! And it’s on the first floor, so if Jiwoong happened to find out about his advances and decided to sabotage him with his friends, then he could jump out the window without sustaining any injuries.

Gyuvin’s got it all figured out, so why’s he practically shitting bricks right now?

There are a lot of reasons really— the main one being the fear of rejection which he’s afraid he’ll never be able to live down which will lead to him maybe most certainly doing something drastic.

But it’s 2:58, two minutes before Gyuvin’s letter says for them to meet, and he has to pull himself together. He decides pacing around the room a billion times isn’t gonna do the trick, so he opts out to sitting on the teacher’s desk instead, setting the flowers and plushie behind him. He pulls out his phone and at the same time receives a text from Eunseok.

eunseokie <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)>: let us know how it goes ��� also please don’t die today

eunseokie <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)>: taerae brought danganronpa and you know how he likes to voice the lines aloud. you’re nagito we need you

Along with Taerae’s ridiculous gaming antics, Gyuvin finds it amusing how Eunseok also thought about the possibility of Jiwoong finding him out, and it makes him laugh, somewhat calming his nerves down. It’s comforting to know that if this confession doesn’t end up going well, he’ll at least have his friends to fall back on.

“What’s so funny?”

The sudden voice echoes through the empty classroom and Gyuvin almost lauches his phone through the ceiling with the way he jumps.

His heart drops a million times over and he nearly passes out, but he doesn’t, as an angel was sent before him. The angel, if you will.

Standing by the now closed door was Y/n, the sun cascading over their skin to only amplify the seemingly everlasting glow on their face. The same tender smile that they gave Gyuvin a few hours earlier was back, and he looks down and—

They’re holding his letter.

Out of the swarm of all the pinks and reds, through the heart-shaped candies and the softest plushies, none of them are in sight but Gyuvin’s. Gyuvin’s, with the stupid Evangelion washi tape on the side preventing the envelope from falling open after he accidentally ripped it, the one with animal crossing stickers plastered every which way because Y/n mentioned the game once, the one with emoticons drawn on by Gyuvin himself in hopes of standing out in the sea of letters: it was in the grasp of Y/n’s hands, fiddling with the edges as they approach Gyuvin in what to him feels like slow motion.

He honestly feels like he could cry. Oh shit, is he crying? Gyuvin sets his phone down to raise a hand to his cheek, which is thankfully dry, but the action brings him back to reality and he realizes that he’s been staring for longer than normal, so he manages to use the little breath he has left to muster what he can.

“You came.” It’s not much, but it’s the best he can do, and way better than just staring at them in pure silence.

“Of course I did.” They say it like it’s the most obvious thing ever, which only serves to throw Gyuvin off even more.

“But- what about everyone else?” What he really wants to say is ‘why me?’ Throughout the day he’d pass by their locker, their desks, even Y/n themselves; everyone seeking them out were more than worthy candidates. Whether it were their looks, their popularity, or the fact that they were confident enough to confess straight to their face— all of them were more worthy than Gyuvin could ever be. So why were they here, at 3:00 pm in room 124 like the letter read?

They shrug, a knowing smile plastered on their face. “You said you wanted to talk?”

“Oh! Right. Yeah.” He opens his mouth, breathing in a handful of air before speaking again, “...I forgot what I was gonna say.”

It wasn’t a total lie! He was caught completely off guard, it was kinda expected to forget the speech he’s been practicing for weeks now. It doesn’t seem to phase Y/n though, for they simply shrug again, and begin to remove the letter from the envelope in their hand. “That’s okay. Maybe if we read your letter it’ll jog your memory.”

‘Dear Y/n,

I know we aren’t close, but you’re not like anyone I’ve ever met before. Please meet me in room 124 @ 3:00pm today, so that I can express my feelings in full.

— Kim Gyuvin’

It sounded like poetry when Gyuvin read it in his head, aloud in his room, and then to his mom for a second voice of opinion (she said he was better than Shakespeare, which went straight to his head). But now Gyuvin isn’t too sure how that made the final cut, he cringes a million times over when they read it out loud.

He scratches the back of his head and tries to hide his mortification as much as possible. “Sorry, I know that’s pretty vague..”

“It’s okay! You can say whatever’s on your mind, I’m all ears.”

Holy shit, this was really happening. He doesn’t know why, but he wasn’t expecting to get this far. Maybe he thought Y/n was too good for him, and he really did think about the possibility of Jiwoong finding him out, but none of that matters anymore— not when his dream come true is standing right in front of him, when they could be doing anything else right now and they decided to be with him. The fact that they’re even giving him the time of day is enough to fuel him with more confidence than those romance dramas ever could.

He stands up from the desk, and takes a deep breath. “I really like you Y/n, I have for a while now. You’re smart and funny and really pretty, and you’re always nice to me. I know we don’t like all of the same things, but that doesn’t bother me. I want to learn more about you, I want to learn everything about you. I hope you feel the same way, and if not, I understand. I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if we graduated without letting you know how I feel.” Without turning around, he reaches for the flowers and stuffed animal, trying his best to steady the nervous look creeping onto his face as he holds the items out between the two of them. “Please be my valentine! And then something more. If you wanted to.”

Gyuvin’s rant has finally come to an end, and he doesn’t realize they’re tearing up until he’s holding the items up for them to take.

Oh my God he’s seriously made Y/n cry, he’s got to end it now. It’s what he’s thinking until his personal space is being invaded by the warmth of the bone crushing hug Y/n has them in before Gyuvin can even apologize.

Despite their face being shoved into his chest, tears wetting his uniform vest, they still manage to muster a coherent response. “I’m glad you told me before graduation. Of course I’ll be your valentine.”

Wait, what? Gyuvin stiffens in their hold when he both realizes that he hadn’t returned their hug and that they said yes?! “Oh my God really? Wait. I’m sorry, I know this is what I like, wanted, but can I ask why?” their hold on Gyuvin releases a bit as he continues, “Is this just you being nice? Cause if so—”

In the span of two seconds, their warmth is gone, and Gyuvin can’t even sulk the lost feeling before he’s being punched in the arm. “Ow!”

Their tear stained face holds a look of offense, like Gyuvin just wronged their entire lineage. “You think I’m crying just to be nice?” Oh, he thinks, thats a good point. “I like you too, dummy. You’re really smart, and you never stoop to people like Jiwoong’s level whenever they bother you. Also, you get really cute when talking about your dog or those games you like.”

They actually listened to his stupid rants? How could he not blush at that? It spreads from his cheeks, all the way to the tips of his ears, and fails to go unnoticed by Y/n. “And when you blush. You’re just a big cutie.”

Oh Gyuvin’s having one of those love explosions again, but like, a million times worse. This can’t possibly be good for his health. In a poor attempt to hide his bashfulness, Gyuvin brings his hands up to cover his face, his words muffled by the makeshift shield. “Oh my God. I can’t believe this is happening.”

And apparently Gyuvin’s suffering is funny? Because now they’re laughing, coming closer and raising their own hands to grab at Gyuvin’s wrists, successfully pulling them away from his face. “Don’t be shy now! You’ve come so far.”

They’re right, he has come so far. So why cower away now? He’s quite literally got them in the palm of his hands (or vise versa, he should say), and he’ll be damned if he lets them slip away now. With their hands now holding his wrists at their sides, Gyuvin doesn’t have half the mind to think before he’s leaning in, landing a feather-light peck to their lips. ‘Oh fuck, am I doing this right?’ It isn’t until now that Gyuvin remembers he’s never actually kissed anyone before, and panic follows quickly as he pulls away, their faces still mere inches away. “I-I’m sorry. I don’t really know what I’m—”

Their lips are suddenly on each other again, but it’s Y/n who initiates the kiss, and it's beyond better than Gyuvin’s. It’s light and refreshing, like how Gyuvin feels whenever they’re around. Their lips are as soft as their hands in his grip, and he can feel them smiling against his as they continue. He never wants to let go of this moment.

He ends up not minding when it does end though, for when they both pull away, Y/n finally lets his wrists go in favor of holding his face in their hands, which has Gyuvin practically melting into their touch. “If you apologize one more time, I’m going to punch you again.” They smile, despite having just threatened him.

Gyuvin doesn’t mind, though. They could hit him with the force of a hundred meteors, and he’d still forgive them. So he just smiles, basking in the warmth of their hands. “So, what’d you wanna do now?”

Y/n ponders for a moment, and perks up not long after. “Wanna go grab food?”

Oh, Gyuvin could cry. Y/n came straight from the cooking club, where they make full course meals that they get to eat at the end, so there was no reason for Y/n to be hungry. Yet Gyuvin’s lunch was ruined by what’s-his-face, and there was no way he wasn’t starving by now, and they remembered that.

He doesn’t wanna ruin the mood with his crocodile tears, so he sucks up his tears as much as he can, and smiles fondly instead. “Sounds perfect.”

Gyuvin’s still in a minor state of shock when they walk out of the school's doors. The person who he’s been pining over for the past four years likes him back, and they’re going on a date. Is this a date? He doesn’t want to ask, rather basking in the sun from both the sky and the one right next to him. He’s kind of worried that Jiwoong is gonna find out, but he can’t find it in himself to care all that much when his valentine is holding his hand as they make their way to the train station.

He takes note of their warning from earlier, but he has to ask. “Are you okay? Sorry for making you cry.”

Gyuvin’s ready to take a punch, but he’s lightly shoved instead, making the both of them lose their footing a bit before walking in tandem again. “It’s okay. And yeah, you’re just really sweet.” They turn to him and smile, squeezing his hand lightly. “Okay, let’s learn more about each other starting now. What kind of ramen do you like?”

“Wanna check out the new spot downtown and find out?”

Gojo’s boy toys (◕ε◕*)

3:40 pm

You: bros.

eunseokie <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)> : bro??

taetae ˶^•ﻌ•^˵ : was that a good bros or a bad bros

You: we kissed

You: we’re going out for ramen now

taetae ˶^•ﻌ•^˵ : ?$/;&/??@

taetae ˶^•ﻌ•^˵ : BROOOOOO

eunseokie <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)> : omg i’m crying

eunseokie <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)> : gyuvin im crying

taetae ˶^•ﻌ•^˵ : he is crying gyuvin

taetae ˶^•ﻌ•^˵ : we’re so happy for you bro.

You: thanks guys 😄

i’ll still be home in time to play so

just sit tight

taetae ˶^•ﻌ•^˵ : tell y/n i say sorry for saying they have zero survival instinct!!!

eunseokie <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)> : AND FUCK YOU JIWOONG

a/n: in no way am i implying that doing things like reading manga or playing smash bros is weird, i just took things that’ve gotten me called a nerd 😭😭 also being a nerd isn’t bad i love my nerds 🫡 stream beautiful monster stan p1h get get get get a guitar bai

[mochathelion]

hey goopers and gunkers, here is, drumroll please

All of them council quotes from my quotebook (ft markiplier)

"Your blood is worms" -slimecicle

"Eenie meenie miney fuck you" -gillion tidestrider

"This is not the becoming of a prince. This is the becoming of a monster" -shilo bathroy

"I have a lot of opinions, none of them matter" -chip

"You must have confidence in yourself peter. Only then will you slay pussy like you slay gods" -thanatos

"IM GONNA MIGHTY BLOW YOU" -slimecicle

"PRETZEL! JUST A FEW MORE FEET PRETZEL! ITS NOT EVEN A MULTIPLE OF FIVE PRETZELLLL!" -gillion tidestrider

"I've never met God, but when I do I'll break him." -William wisp

"Great rune of the unborn? What is that, like an abortion perk?" -slimecicle

"What if you were like oh let me just check if the floor is real and you kicked it one day and it just disappeared, you'd probably be like of fuck I shouldldnt have done that" -slimecicle

"What do you really want? And just say it so I can fight for it" -gillion tidestrider

"Welp, you know what they say! When life gives you wolves, kill them. Also what? " -slimecicle

"Oh my Lord I smell estrogen" -slimecicles chat

"I'm beans mother fucker" -slmccl

"I'VE MET WAR CRIMINALS MORE DELIGHTFULL THAN YOU" -bizlybebo

"Two Mommy?"-Gillion Tidestrider

"This Jesus guy seems really cool!"-Gillion

"I can't wait to k*ll myself!" -Jay Ferin

"That girl just bit me. and I think I was into it?"-Jay Ferin

"If you zoot one more time im gonna choke you."-Rumi

"…Zoot~"-Peter

"Yippe"-Dakota Cole

"I'm just gonna kms and its gonna be your fault!" -Bizly ooc

"Ahhghduhiejbagci wa"-Kian Stone

"Julian the groomer… has a nice ring to it" -julian

"Its.. sewer ravioli!"-Dakota

"i didn't really think destiny was a thing before i met you, you know everything i had in life was just kinda a shitty hand . i really think it was you that made me feel like we were right where we were supposed to be, you're my friend you know- id drown the world for you" -chip

"CPR THREE LETTERS, WHAT DO THEY MEAN? COMBAT. PATIENT. REPEATEDLY. KICK HIM THREE TIMES GET HIM BACK UP, HE'S GOOD. CURED. Think he had cancer, not anymore" -slimecicle

"That must have been a slant rime because she seemed pretty tilted" -slimecicle

"Be the beans you wish to see in the world" -slimecicle

"A vagina with fangs? Bitchin… What? It sounds stimulating" -grizzlyplays

"Even If it was all inevitable… I'm glad we were written into the same story" -Gillion Tidestrider

"Niklaus is making a deal with russian Goku rn"-Bizly i believe ooc if not Chip

"PRIME DEFENDERS AT THE CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION" -William Wisp

"Fuck my fucking gay ass life" -condifiction

"SKIBOMBAY" -gillion tidestrider

"I WAS DRINKING YOU PRICK" -bizly

"He looks like a stop sign and has an ass disorder Its not my fault" -William wisp

"Dude you've GOTTA get advantage on this, dude is built like an among us" -slimecicle

"Beans. Beans. I grow my own beans. They are local and they are green. If you taste them you won't be mean. Come on now and try some beans. If you mean business, then trust my bean business. Have a legume, it won't be your doom. Have a legume, you will enjoom. I see your attitude is kind of mean, but you know what cheers me up? My beans. I grow em in the garden, they don't grow far from my home. Beans. I'm in the BEAN ZONE." -slimecicle

"WHAT THE FUCK??!!! FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S?!??! AEEEEEE AEEEE AE AEEE" -slimecicle

"NO NO NO NO YOUR NOT REAL GO AWAY! AMOUNGUS????!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD" -slimecicle

"I am weaponless but not defenceless" -slimecicle

"Don't play the game, eat the dirt, win." -slimecicle

"FATHER, SON, HOLY TROUT COME ON GET US THE FUCK OUT" -gillion tidestrider

"I WILL ABSORB THIS DEMONNNN. IT IS MY MEALLL!" -dakota cole

"You underestimate the power of SEX" -slimecicle

"aHgiA- FORTNITE" -slimecicle

Demonic rambling -slimecicle

"People will say eating chicken nuggets is bad for you, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS BAD FOR YOU? BEING A LITTLE BITCH. WHAT ARE YOU SPONSORED BY SALAD?" -grizzlyplays

"That's right I got two extra hearts and a wooden sword what the fuck are you going to do about it god" -charlie slimecicle

"I'm grabbing bed knife and I'm grabbing bed spear and I'm duel wielding that shit" -markiplier

[holdmytesseract]

A Spell To Break?

model!Tom Hiddleston x fem!Reader

Summary: When you have to witness Tom posing with another woman for a sexy perfume photoshoot, your insecurities are kicking in...

Warnings: thirst, angst, insecurities, swear words, fluff

Word Count: 4,3k

a/n: I couldn't help myself but to write a part three for this lil' series/AU. 👀 I had an idea and well... This is the result. I hope y'all enjoy it! 😁

Divider by the lovely @fictive-sl0th <3

Tagging: @lulubelle814 @km-ffluv @eleniblue @muddyorbsblr @vbecker10 @loz-3 @jennyggggrrr @mochie85 @chantsdemarins @peaches1958 @multifandom-worlds @fictive-sl0th @lovingchoices14 @simping-for-marvel @stupidthoughtsinwriting @vanilla-daydreaming @lou12346789 @lady-rose-moon @evelyn-kingsley @the-princess-of-loki @acefeather2002 @chokeanddagger @smolvenger

°☆• Masterlist •☆° Hiddles Masterlist •☆°

Here's part one and part two of the model!Tom series. This can be also read as a stand-alone fic.

(Credits for the pic goes to @multifandom-worlds )

The day had started so good. Better than the most days. You woke up early - but in your boyfriend's arms, had a nice breakfast, three wonderful photoshoots that morning, and the coffee machine wasn't broken. That was how every work day should be supposed to go. It was a perfect day - until after your lunch break. That was when the dream started to turn in a nightmare...

You had one photo shooting left for the day. A very huge photo shooting, to say the least... A perfume ad - and it was for none other than 'Dolce & Gabbana'. Yes, no joke. After you had landed the Calvin Klein job almost two years back, quite a few other big shoots followed. 'Dolce & Gabbana' was the fifth one this year - and it was July...

And not just that... Quite a few things had changed within those two years. You still worked with your best friend Sam - but she had promoted you and suddenly, you owned this little company as well; were the second boss. Beside that, you had found your soulmate and were in a very happy relationship. Remember that handsome lad with the tattoos and piercings, Tom Hiddleston? The newcomer in the model business? Exactly. You two were a thing now - a big thing.

All in all, you could say that the Calvin Klein photoshoot had turned your life upside down - in the best way possible.

You were in the studio now, setting everything up for the said perfume ad. A green screen, small wind machine and your camera, of course. The clothes your models were supposed to wear, laid perfectly folded on the little table in the corner. Sam had forwarded you the email of 'Dolce & Gabbana's management, so you knew what they wanted and what the setup should be. They didn't want anything super special, but it was definitely... spicy and sexy. A couple on a stony beach, with the sea and waves in the background. Wet hair and clothes; paired up with intimate poses.

You were totally lost in adjusting the camera and tripod, when you suddenly felt two muscular arms sneaking around your waist; big, gentle hands crossing in front of your tummy. You couldn't help but flinch at first at the sudden contact, but when you saw the beautiful, black inked flowers wove around the strong arms embracing you, you relaxed immediately. "Tommy?" You asked; giggling like a schoolgirl, as you felt his lips on the exposed skin of your neck. "What are you doing here?" You heard a deep chuckle rumbling through your boyfriend's chest. "Your humour is truly something else, darling." Uhhh, okay… Now you were a bit confused.

Frowning, you turned in Tom's embrace, hands landing on his white t-shirt clad pecs. His beautiful smile greeted you instantly; alongside those stunning baby blues. "My... My humour? Tommy, I'm afraid I can't follow you at the moment." Tom's expression changed at your words; eyebrows slanting. "Baby, I think we are talking past each other. You asked me, why I'm here. I thought you made a cute, little joke. I'm here because of you." You blinked, "Because of me?" before your cheeks turned red. "You are visiting me at work? Awww, cutie pie, that's so sweet of you!" Tom giggled, but shook his head. "No, darling. I'm here because you booked me for this photoshoot."

Your eyes widened. "Wait, what? No, I... I didn't book you for this photoshoot. I booked a couple, 'cause the management of 'Dolce & Gabbana' asked for it, so I booked Nicky and Tessa. Not you." Tom was visibly confused now as well. "What? But... But Luke told me I was booked for this photoshoot. Perfume ad. 'Dolce & Gabbana'. And since you were listed as the photographer, I didn't ask further."

Your frown deepened. "That's quite a bit quaint and... strange. Something definitely went wrong." Tom shrugged his shoulders; tongue darting out to wet his lips, bringing his tongue piercing on full display. "Perhaps it was a misunderstanding?" "Could be, yes. But that doesn't answer the question who booked you. Clearly, I didn't, the management neither and Luke had nothing to do with it as well. Who booked you th-"

You weren't able to finish your sentence. The thud of the wooden door to the studio closing shut cut you off. High heels click-clacked over the floor; announcing another person's arrival. And then her voice cut through the air. A voice you hoped you'd never hear again. Not after everything that happened.

"I did. He is here, because I wanted him to be here." Instantly - like struck by lightning, you let go of your boyfriend; eyes landing on the woman with blonde hair, leather skirt and skintight red top; looking as arrogant and tarted up as always...

Ivy. Your former high school best friend. Emphasis on former.

Back in school, you were like the yin and yang to each other. Soulmates. Inseparable. Now? Now you were not even close to what once was. Now, you were enemies. Why? Well...

It all started with you both sharing the dream of becoming a professional photographer. You followed this dream together. Bought your first professional camera together. Applied to various photo studios together. You encouraged each other. Always. For years. At some point, Ivy decided to switch to the model business instead - a decision you supported wholeheartedly. Since both your jobs were quite similar, you kept on helping each other to reach your goals - until that one particular day...

You didn't really know where you both took the wrong path, but suddenly, Ivy distanced herself more and more from you. She became bitter, harsh and especially jealous. Perhaps because you landed a big job first, but who knew? You spent endless nights awake; pondering about why things went as they did. Why you were losing your best friend. What mistake you made to get the ball rolling. You didn't know. You just didn't know. It ate you up inside. So, you decided to confront her - which caused things to escalate and get even worse. You walked in that conversation with the hopes of you and Ivy reunite as best friends. Instead, you walked out as enemies. She hurt you to the bones that day; called you unspeakable things and spat right into your face that you were nothing more than a millstone around her leg. With that, Ivy just moved on, but loved to give you absolute hell once in a while. It was exhausting, but it didn't stop you from reaching for your dream. And then you met Sam. She picked up all your broken pieces and puzzled them back together. She became your best friend - a true friend. Someone you could trust with your life.

They say time heals all wounds - but not the wound Ivy inflicted you. It was a scar so deep; bound to stay forever carved into your soul.

"I-Ivy? What... What are you doing here?!" The blonde-haired woman gave you a spiteful smirk. "What do you think, silly? I'm the female model for this photoshoot." Your face fell. "W-What? But... But that can't be! I booked Nicky and Tessa a-and-" Ivy cut you off with a high-pitched laugh. "Oh, you wish you did, sweetheart. I changed it. Well, my management changed it. They asked me to choose a male model as well and I chose Tom." Now you were even more speechless - and utterly angry. The problem was, that Ivy knew Tom - and Tom knew Ivy. She had casted an eye on your beautiful boyfriend a long time ago, and when he fell in love with you and the two of you got together, Ivy bursted with jealousy. In her eyes, you weren't worthy of the sweet, polite gentleman.

You were quite a bit bewildered and stood in front of your boyfriend and former best friend like an absolute fool. "I-I... B-But this was supposed t-to be a couple photoshoot. Dolce & Gabbana asked specifically f-for a couple..." Your former best friend faked a surprised gasp; "They, uh, wanted a couple for this photoshoot?" and clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh... Whoopsies. My bad. I didn't know that. Sorry, bestie. In that case, Tom and I have to make it look very real."

A breathless gasp left your lips at her words and you had to fight hard against the rising bile in your throat. All of a sudden, you felt like absolute shit. She knew. She knew - and did this on full purpose. Only to get her filthy hands on Tom and torture you. What a bitch.

Another bitchy giggle left Ivy's lips. "You don't look well, Y/N. Perhaps you should call it a day, go home and let this photoshoot do someone who can stay professional." That was the point where Tom couldn't just stand by anymore. He had to intervene. And he did. He walked the few steps up to you and placed a comforting hand on the small of your back. The handsome Brit wasn't able to change the situation, but he was able to help you.

"Perhaps you should go and get changed already, Ivy. I'd like to have a moment alone with my girlfriend." Tom audibly underlined the last two words of his sentence, while pulling you closer towards him. Ivy just answered with a fake smile, then stalked past you and Tom; vanishing in the small side room.

"Darling..." Your boyfriend addressed you immediately, once Ivy was out of earshot and took your smaller hands in his bigger ones. "I am so sorry about this. If I would've known I-" You shook your head; interrupting him. "No, it's not your fault, Tommy. It's entirely her fault." "That may be true, but if I would've talked earlier with you about this, I could've prevented it from happening. Now, I'm afraid we both can't change this situation. But I can assure you that this photo shooting is going to be purely professional. I'll do what I have to do, but it won't change anything." You nodded; trying to look confident. Tom knew you better, though. He knew how insecure you were about yourself. Letting go of your hand, he lifted his up to gently cup your chin. "Hey... I love you, sweet girl - and you better know it." Once again you nodded; giving him a small smile. "Love you, too." Tom pressed a sweet, lingering kiss on your lips, before he left to the other side room, in order to get changed as well.

Once everyone was ready, the photo shooting could start. You tried your best to stay completely professional; block out everything around you. You'd pull through this shooting like every other shooting - and you did. At some point, you were so focused, that you didn't see your boyfriend and ex best friend standing in front of you and posing together for a quite spicy perfume ad. You saw two clients; doing what they should do, in order to get the job done.

At this point you were confident to believe that you had tricked your mind and dodged Ivy's attempt to fuck you up. Little did you know, that everything would come back at you later...

It had gotten quite late. The photoshoot had taken more time than you had expected. After cleaning up the whole studio and sending Sam home, you decided to edit the photos you had just taken. You wanted to get over with it and move on.

Being still completely convinced of the strong wall you had built up around you, you sat down at your desk, connected the memory card to your computer and opened the program. When the first picture of Tom and Ivy came up, the walls came immediately tumbling down. It was the moment you realised, that these walls had been anything but strong; rather consisted of paper and not solid stone.

It was also the moment it dawned on you, that your mind couldn't be tricked. It had just tricked you into believing you had. How foolish, you thought of yourself. How fucking foolish.

With that, the damage was done. It got the stone rolling - and you wouldn't be able to stop it. You knew it. Your mind had you trapped now, and the bad thoughts - all your insecurities came crashing down on you; invading your system like poison. Every look on each picture hurt you more - and destiny had chosen one of the worst ones to start with...

It had been a picture you had taken towards the end. Scenery: Tom and Ivy were both wet; clothes absolutely drenched with water. Ivy wore nothing more than a scarce, white bikini; showing off everything she got - and Ivy got a lot. Way more than you did...

Tom wore a tight, white tank top, which literally clung to his chest, but also showed off his tattoos and especially nipple piercings. His hips and legs were clad in jeans dungarees - close to those who mechanics wore, but with the straps dangling loosely around his thick, muscular thighs. Of course, they were also wet. Water droplets ran down the skin of his neck, face and arms, causing him to look even sexier.

Ivy wasn't any less sexy. It was simply a fact. And the posture they were in didn't lack sexiness either. Quite the opposite...

Your former best friend stood in front of your boyfriend; literally clinging desperately to his wet body. Both her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck, while they gazed each other deep in the eyes. Their heads were close; lips not far from touching. Tom's big hand was splayed out across Ivy's back; fingertips tantalisingly playing with the knot who held her bikini top together. It was perfect - and you hated it. Sure, you had told them to posture like that, 'cause 'Dolce & Gabbana' described something along that, since they had a TV ad which was similar, but nevertheless... It fucked with your brain. And the other pictures on which they were free to posture how they wanted weren't any better... Ivy being as close to Tom as somehow possible; always literally eye fucking him with her lusting gaze and touching him in places only you thought you were supposed to touch him. In one picture her hands were close to his ass - you could tell. Or in another, she was touching his pecs and six pack. Hence, she even had her hands in his hair once.

Watching all the pictures you had taken; it came all crashing down on you. But it wasn't jealousy, who poisoned and fogged up your brain, no... It were your insecurities who kicked in; causing you to fall down a deep, dark hole.

Seeing how utterly perfect Tom looked with a woman who was so much prettier and sexier than you could ever be, planted the toxic thought in your brain that you simply weren't good enough. Not pretty enough. Not sexy enough. Not smart enough. Not loveable enough. You were just you. And being just you didn't apply to Tom's standards. He was out of your league - by miles. What is he doing with a girl like me? you thought. He deserves someone better... Perhaps Ivy had been right all the time. You weren't worthy of such a handsome, loving and respectful man.

You clicked further through the pictures; tears starting to form in your eyes. Since you already were spiralling down that dark path, once thing was triggering another and fear joined the party. Fear of Tom leaving you. Why would he not? You're nobody, the voice in your brain whispered. He could get rid of you so easily. And he would. You were sure of it. One day, he was going to wake up and see. Tears trickled down your face by now, as emptiness spread within your stomach and radiating throughout your whole body, causing you to feel so utterly cold and lonely.

You had lost every sense of time, but you could tell that it was quite late. You didn't care, though. All you cared about was if you should leave Tom before he could leave you, or beg him on your knees to stay. Anyways… It was both pathetic...

By now, you had abandoned your computer and the pictures; said huddled in a corner of the little office and positively crying your eyes out.

Tom, who had waited for you at home for way longer than planned started to worry, of course. Always checking his phone and walking impatiently up and down in the cosy, little apartment you two shared. He got uneasy. You hadn't texted him and you also didn't pick up your phone. What if something happened? He decided to not just sit around longer. He couldn't. So, he grabbed the keys of his bike, alongside his leather jacket and helmet, and swung himself on the vehicle; riding straight to yours and Sam's photo studio.

When he arrived, he saw that no visible light was on in the building, giving him an even more uneasy feeling. The unlocked door didn't quite help. Quietly, he entered the studio; switching on the light. "Y/N?" No answer. "Sam?" No answer. He swallowed hard, but made his way through the studio; checking every room - which turned out to be either locked or neatly cleaned up; ready for the next day.

Tom's heart was literally beating out of his chest, as he went to check the last possible room you could be in... Your office. With a slightly shaking hand, he opened the door. The lights were out, but he could see that the computer was on and the only thing which casted a small ray of light through the darkened room, was the display of your camera - on which he recognised himself. Small, soft whines and whimpers could be heard, causing him to immediately switch on the light. And then he saw you. Curled up in a ball in the corner. Your body was shaking with sobs. Relieved, that he had finally found you, but nevertheless worried about the condition you were in, he literally threw his helmet aside and ran over to you.

"Y/N!" He said with relief; dropping to his knees beside you, "I thought something had happened to you! My texts stayed unanswered and whenever I called, you didn't pick up... Gods, I was so worried!" and immediately scooped you up in his arms. You let him hug you tightly for a few seconds, bathing in his embrace and how good he smelled, before your brain kicked in again and you started to push him away from you, leaving the handsome Brit confused.

Frowning, he pulled back - like you obviously requested and letting go of you. "Darling? What's wrong?" Tom tried to reach for your hands, put you avoided his touch. It confused him even more. "Love, what- Why are you crying? What happened?" You didn't answer him, but pushed yourself further against the wall in the corner; wrapping your arms around yourself and hiding your face. Your boyfriend tried to connect the dots; figure out what could be wrong - and suddenly it fell like scales from his eyes... The pictures. The photoshoot.

"Y/N..." He spoke your name with his deep, velvety - but hushed voice; addressing you gently. "Is this about the photo shooting I did with Ivy today?" Her name upon his lips caused the tears to fall even more. "Please... My love... Talk to me," the Brit literally begged; tongue playing nervously with his black labret piercing.

You looked then up at him; eyes swollen and red due to all the crying. "Don't... Don't call m-me that..." You whispered; shaking your head. "Don't call you what?" "L-Love... D-Darling..." "But why? You are my love and you certainly are my darling." You squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head again. "'M not worthy." Your boyfriend frowned. "Not worthy?" You nodded, "Of your love. Of you." and shed another few tears. "You deserve someone better, Thomas." The way you rolled his full name over your tongue left a bitter feeling behind. It sounded so wrong to him.

"It's okay if you're going to leave me for a woman who is smarter. Prettier. I can't force you to stay. Even if I wanted to. You are free to go." The words caused a stinging pain to shoot through your heart, like you've been just pierced by a knife. Your whole body was shaking; trying somehow to compromise the heartbreak.

Unbeknownst to you, was Tom looking at you like he had just seen a ghost. He was literally speechless; couldn't believe what he had just heard. His heart ached and screamed; suffering with you. "Y/N... How... How can you say something like... like that?" He needed a moment to find his ability to speak again. Tom knew about your insecurities and fears and he had witnessed them playing with your mind more than once, but that... That was a whole other level. He had never seen you like that - and it shook him to the core.

"Why should I ever leave you? I-" You interrupted him. "Because you can't waste your time on me!" "Waste... Waste my time on you?" That was it. He needed to stop this. Shaking his head and reaching out his hands, he slowly lifted your chin with his fingers, before he cupped both your cheeks; gently wiping away the tears with his thumbs. "Y/N..." He spoke - again, in that deep, velvety voice, which lulled you easily to sleep at night; having such a calming effect on you. "Look at me, please." You did what he asked you to and looked up into his baby blues - which were clouded with tears.

"My sweet, beautiful girl... I'd never... NEVER waste my time on you. Neither would I ever leave you. I don't want somebody else. I don't need somebody else. All I ever wanted is you." Your bottom lip wobbled dangerously as you spoke up again. "But-" "No, my love..." Tom interrupted you this time, before you were able to say something bad about yourself again. "Please listen to what I have to say. Don't listen to the voices in your head. They are wrong. I am not out of your league. You are out of my league. When I walked through that studio door, down the hall for the very first time and saw you there, I couldn't believe my eyes. I had never seen such beauty before. You literally swept me off my feet - and definitely not just with your good looks. You are beautiful from the inside and the outside. I had a hard time playing it cool."

You were still gazing in his eyes, listening to his every word. "It pains me thoroughly to hear how ill you speak of yourself, because you are the prettiest, smartest, sexiest, sweetest, kindest, funniest- Do you want me to keep going?" For the first time since hours darted a small smile over your lips. You couldn't help it. Tom noticed, of course. "Ah! I saw that, my love! I saw that!" He exclaimed like a happy little boy, who had just walked into a candy store.

He smiled and leaned forward to press a kiss on your forehead. You felt the cool metal of his piercing on your skin. When he pulled back and gazed at you again, you saw that a tear was rolling down his cheek. "I love you, Y/N. I love you so much it hurts and I promise you, I'll never leave you. You are enough. You are more than I ever dreamed of." You nodded, trying desperately to believe him. "Are those voices quiet now?" "A-Almost..." He shook his head. "Now, now, we can't have that. I must eliminate them from your sweet, creative mind. I can't keep on letting them poison the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with."

Your heart literally skipped a beat at that sentence.

Tom leaned towards you again and kissed you repeatedly on the lips; whispering countless 'I love you's' in between - like a preacher a prayer in the church.

The voices in your head really disappeared and at some point, you broke out into giggles. "Tommy! I-" Kiss. "I need to-" Kiss. "Breathe!" Kiss. "I need to breathe!" Your boyfriend stopped then, chuckling softly and watching how you took a few deep breaths. "Was my mission successful?" You nodded; smiling up at him. "Voices gone?" "Voices gone." You shuffled; moved towards Tom and snuggled into his awaiting arms. "Thank you, Tommy... And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you and-" He interrupted you once more.

"Shush, baby. It's all good." He moved to sit on the floor beside you, then pulled you into his arms; making you sit onto his lap. Tom cuddled you close; not letting go. You accepted his touch and the comforting position; cuddled close and just enjoyed the moment.

"Did you feel that way because of the photoshoot?" Tom asked after a while. You nodded, "Uh.Huh. Seeing Ivy on those pics, having her hands all over you and giving you those 'Fuck me' eyes unleashed the insecurities in my brain." Your boyfriend nodded; interlacing your fingers with his. "I should've said no. I should've known..." You immediately shook your hand, "No, Tommy. You couldn't know. You did your job." and traced the tattoo on his arm with your free hand. "I just let Ivy get into my head..."

You felt how Tom's soft, warm lips pressed a sweet kiss against your temple. "Well, I won't let her do that again, baby."

[balkanradfem]

im feeling completely lost and confused. im in high school right now. a few months ago, I rejected a guy who had been pursuing me for a year. in order to take revenge, he created deep fakes of my pics and shared them in his locker room group chats. I only discovered this yesterday even though it happened two months ago. Im terrified. when i spoke to my mom about it, she slapped me and blamed me for being friends with him. i had no idea he had such intentions. I'm not trying to portray myself as a victim, but the hateful comments and slut shaming ive received have really taken a toll on me. I wanna kms 😭

Noooo!!

I am so sorry, this is none of your fault at all, a few years ago something like that couldn't even happen! There was no way to predict or fight this, it can happen to any woman at any moment now because males are parasites who destroy what they cannot control. This was done to you because this worthless piece of shit wanted to cause maximum amount of pain to you, because he couldn't force you to belong to him, it's vile, disgusting, and absolutely atrocious, you doxx him and we'll all gang up on him and have him wanting to end his life instead.

I can only imagine what kind of harassment and hate you're receiving right now, the safest thing to do is to get away from all technology, this amount of abuse can cost your life and nothing is worth that. Horrible, worthless people would go and harass a girl who has been violated with a hate crime for no fucking reason. They're not representatives of who you are, what you're worth, or what you should be treated; they're the most worthless scum who shouldn't be allowed to breathe. Nothing they say about you is true or deserved! Even thinking about being such pathetic lowlife to go and harass a teenage girl makes me sick, these people should also get doxxed and receive the same hatred back about themselves.

You've done nothing wrong ever, you are the victim here and the world needs to put measures in place to protect young women from this. I can imagine also wanting to end my life if something like this had happened to me, and we can't allow these things to go on, males who do this need to be extremely punished and if I had it my way they would all be executed.

Also what the hell is wrong with your mother! I am judging her so hard, she should be there to support you so you can get trough this alive, I can't believe she has the nerve to blame you and to inflict violence upon you when you already have to deal with this entire hell. Honestly doxx her too so I can yell at her.

[arinavah]

hi arina! how are u doing? i've read your life update before about how you may not be able to do art stuffs due to life circumstances, seeing you open your shop now really brightens my heart! i'm also an artist in a kind of tough situation where i dont have much choice and might have to give up drawing or have difficulty continuing. im wondering how you got thru it? your art updates give me strength and hope! but if u dont feel like sharing, i totally understand. hoping you best and thank you!!

I'm sorry I'm answering this so late, talking about my current life always ruins my mood. (this will be a long whining post, I'm very upset right now so I need to speak out)

Probably we are in different situations, unlike you, drawing is the only thing I can do now. I've  mentioned here before that my grandma had a stroke this summer, my parents live in another city, they come here from time to time. Me and grandma live in Moscow, sooooo, generally, disabled grandma is MY responsibility most of the time. Even though she's making some slow progress in recovering, she's still mostly bed ridden, she can't take care of herself, she can't get up from the bed without help, she barely walks, etc., etc. So we can't leave her alone, and taking care about such helpless person, 24/7 IS HARD. She can wake us up several times at night to go to toilet or whatever, during the day she always wants something and we have to serve her, it really exhaustes me. (I half jokingly say that I unexpectedly became mother of 76 y.o. child, but I've always been child-free, so guess what I'm feeling right now)

Good news: I have some time to draw. To be honest drawing is the only sphere of my life I still can control, it's the only thing bringing me joy. And thankfully some people buy my merch so I can earn some money even in these circumstanses.

Bad news: I lost all freedom I'd had, I can't go anywhere without hiring nurse, I have much less time for work and drawing, I can't properly relax after long day, in fact I can NEVER relax, I can't meet with friends, I can't travel, I have to cancel work trips. Even simple mandane things became very difficult and even impossible because of all these restrictions. I can't find proper words to describe how those restrictions of my freedom make me depressed and devastated, right now my mental health is the worst it's ever been. I cry almost every day, I became hysterical and agressive, I hate my life so much, that the mere thought of spending the rest of my youth living my family's life, not MY OWN LIFE makes me want to kms. At the moment I control nothing in my life, I can't decide where to live, what to do, where to go, absolutely nothing. Probably I will never find a partner, because dating in these life contitions is impossible. Probably I will die alone without any love and friends. Maybe my only destiny is to take care of disabled person.

I'm trying to accept the fact that my life's ended, that I won't have any freedom and any new people around me till she passes away or till one of my parents will take full charge of taking care of her (it will happen in 5 years or so, they have work to finish in another city).

I spend my days solving my family's problems, my grandma's health problems, selling some merch to earn money and drawing some silly things just to ✨feel something✨.  So me being able to draw something in difficult circumstanses is not some heroic thing, I'm not overcoming myself to make art desprite everything, what I'm doing is just...escapism... I want to get lost in my little drawings or in little stories for some time to forget about everything bothering me. Honestly, I'm very happy that I haven't lost ability to draw after everything happened to me this year.

Guys.... sorry for whining, but 2022 ruined my mental state completely... Political situation (fucking Russia 💀💀💀), family situation, I just feel so much hatered for this world, for this universe where none of my dreams will ever come true, where I control nothing, where I have to live someone else's life, where I have no freedom, where I have to be silent, where I have to look at my government's crimes and be silent, where I can't  plan anything, where I can't love who I want (yesterday they accepted "lgbt propaganda" ban law), where I have to live the rest of my life in the country I hate, with a government I hate, isolated, lonely, constricted, attached to disabled person.

My parents keep telling me it's temporary, they don't want me to be a nurse for the rest of my life, everything is gonna be okay, they will solve everything. I don't believe them. Maybe I'm overdramatising, maybe if I get a therapy I'll feel better and less pessimistic about my future, but for now... I feel terrible. So, if drawing makes me feel a little bit better, then I'll continue to draw.

[purplesurveys]

1919

Are either of your parents engaged but not married yet? Well, no. They are married to each other.

Do you cuddle with your pet (if you have one)? Absolutely. All three of them. Even Kimi's urn, I will hug every once in a while.

What college did you want to attend as a kid? I've always wanted to end up in UP. It was that or I'd despise myself for the rest of my life. Everyone I looked up to in the family studied - and even worked - there. Fortunately enough I got in, and in my dream degree.

Do you have a pet gecko? I do not.

Are you scared of reptiles? For the most part, yeah.

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yes.

Where would you most like to go in your state, etc that you haven’t been? I guess just the coffee shops that I haven't been to? There aren't many tourist attractions here, but there sure is a hell of a lot of cafes.

Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? Do animals count? Hahahaha. This q isn't very applicable to me.

About what things are you most selfish? My boundaries. I used to break my own for others tirelessly, as if I was gunning to be canonized when I die lol; but it's had a 180º turn. I'm fiercely protective of my boundaries now and I'll be a raging bitch about it if I have to.

Are you camera shy? Why/why not? Sometimes. I just don't like being in front of the camera and have always preferred to be the one taking the photos.

What is one small thing your significant other does that makes you happy? If you are single, what is one small thing a friend does to make you happy? When they send me memes and say that it reminded them of me.

From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? Three.

Who was the last person to give you flowers? Angela and Hans. They've given me a bouquet every year on my birthday since 2021 - and it was only this year I learned that they do so because they knew I had meant to kms 3 years ago. I cry every time I think about this, so let's move on haaaa...

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? My pets. It wouldn't be 'hard,' I'd just never agree to giving them up whatsoever.

Do you like BBQ sauce? Loveeeeeee itttttttt.

How many subscribers do you have on your YouTube channel? None.

If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? White is fine.

What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? I don't have one.

What was the last thing you were mad at a doctor about? I've never been directly angry at a doctor.

Is your mother a lesbian? No.

Do any of your close friends NOT have a Facebook account? She's not a close friend anymore, but Sofie wiped out her social media years ago. Good for her, honestly.

Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? Nopes.

When was the last time you swam in a pool? No clue. Ever since discovering the beach, I've stopped swimming in pools.

What was the last thing you said out loud? "Thank you"

Have you ever wanted to be a nurse? No.

Who or what do you worship? Nobody and nothing.

What was the last song you listened to on repeat? Neva Play by Megan Thee Stallion and RM.

What song do you want played at your wedding? Haven't given this much thought. Love Wins All by IU sounds like an awesome prospect, though.

What are three of the most painful things you have ever stepped on? The rooftop floor in 40ºC weather. I can't think of anything else - I'm pretty sensitive to pain so I avoid sensations I know would hurt to begin with.

If applicable, what song are you listening to right now? Groin by RM.

If you could choose three US states to visit, which three states would you pick? Illinois, Oregon, New York.

Have you ever donated blood? Nope.

Would you rather attend a yoga class or a Zumba class? Zumba, I guess. Yoga's never appealed to me, and I've tried getting into it more than once.

Have you written anything down today? I have not.

Do you own a pair of pink pants? No.

Do you normally eat healthy? No, not really. I'm on team here-for-a-good-time-not-a-long-time so like honestly I never pay attention to what I eat and if I eat more unhealthy than healthy, lol.

What is the best compliment you’ve ever received? Being told I'm good at writing is what has always mattered the most to me.

Do you believe in miracles? I don't.

What are three ways in which you are not normal? I hyperfocus on work and latch so much of my self-validation on being recognized for how well I perform. Everyone else has a much better sense of "life over work, always" and I'm very envious of that.

Cutting people off is my main coping mechanism, especially if they can't be argued with. I can't think of a third thing.

Which genre of music do you listen to the most? Pop.

Last person you kissed, are they into any type of sports? Which ones? I knew she was into softball at one point; idk now.

Does your best friend have a job? Yes, she's (officially now!) an architect at a firm.

Do you ever visit people at work? No, not while at work. I've been to Angela's office, but that's only because their place turns into a bar in the evening. I've never actually visited her while she was on-shift.

When you move out your house (or if you already have moved out) do you plan on still visiting your parents’ house? Yes.

Do you usually take home leftovers if you eat out in a restaurant? Yeah, I never finish anything I order.

Have you ever ghost rode the whip (put your car on auto and dance next to it as it’s moving)? Do you want to? Is this like when Hobi did the In My Feelings challenge? LOL no I haven't. It sounds irresponsible + I can't dance.

Why did you stop liking the last person you liked? They no longer loved me and I just figured it was better to move on than to keep wasting time trying to read their mind/get them back.

What do you think of long-term relationships? Great, if you have them. Unneeded, for me.

Do you have a lot of social media accounts? Do you update them all regularly? I don't know what you'd count as a lot but I do have a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and this. Yeah, I check and post on all regularly.

When you’re in trouble, do your parents ever “middle name” you? Nope.

When was the last time you got a new tattoo or piercing? Do you have any plans to get either in the future? I haven't gotten anything besides the earlobe piercings they had put on me when I was a few months old.

Are you patriotic at all? Why/why not? No. This country and its people are difficult to like.

Are you any good at packing a suitcase? I am, but that's also because I pack light to begin with.

Have you ever had a white hot chocolate? What did you think? I don't think so.

Do you ever get eczema? I don't.

Have you ever mowed a lawn? Nope. 

Is there anyone you would do literally anything for? My immediate family and Angela.

Have you ever done a “knock-and-run” prank? No thanks.

Have you ever stabbed a friend in the back, intentionally or not? Wow, no.

What’s the longest you’ve ever slept in one go? 8 or 9 hours.

Have you ever dated someone with an accent different than yours? I guess so. Their English was a lot stronger than mine; but I also picked up a great deal of her accent throughout our time together.

Have you ever worked two jobs at once? Nopes.

Do you enjoy the smell and taste of cinnamon? As long as it's not overpowering.

Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? I don't think so, no.

What did your mother study at university? One of the big 4 but that's the best hint I'm willing to give.

What was the last thing you took a video of? Reena at her dance recital.

What are some of your least favorite foods? Fruits, bistek, roast beef, tapa if it's not from Rodic's, nilaga, bulalo...I'm not a big fan of beef.

[anakinh]

all of my other posts on rebirth have some complaints or just pure complaint, which does not reflect my feelings on the game, so i'm going to now post a thing i like with each complaint. my current complaint is 'none of the words "queen's blood tournament on the shinra-8" is in the original game.' (and that includes shinra-8, shut up). here is a list of compliments about the game:

Starting as Zack generated SO MUCH hype. i was screaming

the music around the midgar wastelands is 'hollow'! I love it so much

playing as sephiroth was so fun. he's amazingly designed and his VA acted the hell out of nibelheim. very well done

i like the additional tension between cloud and tifa, with both of them suspecting the other of being an imposter

baby chocobo cute

the combat is very fun. yeeting tifa is great

it's so pretty! i have so many photos! of so many things!

FROG QUEST BEST QUEST

weed canon in ff7-verse

despite my imminent complaint, queen's blood is pretty good

in fact, most of the mini-games weren't terrible

also, the queen's blood weird subplot is very intriguing, as is the sucked into queen's blood subplot (until the timing made me want to kms). i do like it when i get to yell 'WHAT THE FUCK' at the screen. sometimes you have to remember that ff7 is a very silly game.

okay, now that i've paid my dues I just wanna say that there are so many minigames all at once. Literally most of chapter 4 were mini-games and then we jump into chapter 5 and it's another mini-game tourney?? jenova is RIGHT THERE in the boat. please just let me jenova boss fight. I'm forgetting what the plot is. (and this is also a general problem with open world games. even in BG3 I was spending time shopping in the Lower City instead of helping my friend who got kidnapped by murder cultists. sigh)

anyway they turned this game into 100 hours by filling it with padding. again. (imagine cloud narrating 'and then I got the vacuum to clean the air of mako so i could use the elevator... and then the cord WAS STUCK.' he remembers that but not killing sephiroth?)

also I don't like the way they're treating Shinra right now, especially Rufus. If I trusted Square Enix I wouldn't be blinking at it, since there are so many times where people talked about how horrible Shinra was... but I definitely don't trust Square Enix, and especially not how they write Rufus. Shouldn't he be talking about ruling with fear now? stop trying to sanitize the evil capitalist. I hope Barret is right when he said joining was a bad idea. I shouldn't have to hope. It should be obvious. It would be if I trusted Square Enix.

lastly, seriously, wtf is up with glenn T_T why is he here. why do i dislike a person from a mobile game showing up here when people from prequels showing up is fine? i mean definitely part of that is because crisis core is not a gatcha game.

... and that was like 4 complaints. it's just easier to say things when you're complaining instead of praising. I gotta work on that.

[https-florian]

genuinely debating km$. Can’t tonight, when my dad’s gone I will. So for now I’m going to go on a huge rant.

first I can’t fucking stand my parents I wish they would just divorce already, they hate each other so why are they still together? And it’s not even a secret my dad had cheated on my mom more times than she can count, he’s a narcissist, alcoholic, verbally and financially abusive towards me and her. My mom is also verbally abusive. They both hate me so why am I even around?? They wouldn’t care. It would benefit them. I have been hallucinating bugs crawling on me and I can feel them, it’s awful I need it to stop. I don’t even know if I’m hallucinating atp. I have summer school and I just can’t with it anymore. I hate summer. I hate being home. I hate having to eat. I hate the constant binging. I can’t do this anymore. My parents genuinely don’t like me, they are constantly making mean comments to the point it’s not even “jokes” as they say. I hate that I’m not a boy I don’t want to be like this I can’t look in the mirror. I have extremely bad facial and body dismorphia that I can’t see what I even look like because my face just distorts but I know im ugly. What point in living do I have if I can’t be beautiful. For my best friend? He doesn’t care, he doesn’t love me. I love him more than anything but if he doesn’t care it would be better if I wasn’t there. If I did I would leave him my favorite sweater and stuffed animal, maybe my sketchbook too. I want to confess my love to this boy but he doesn’t love me, at least the same way I love him. He would be disgusted with me. I never had a chance. If my love doesn’t love me then what reason do I have to live? None. I hate how much I love him. I hate how much I love food. I hate that I’m like my dad. I hate myself. I hate everyone except for him but he would never ever love me even if it was me or death. I just want someone to hold me, tell me everything’s ok and let me cry. I want him to. He would never. I hate that I want the love that I will never have. I hate the fact that I feel like I’m going insane. I hate the fact that my mom sleeps with a knife under her mattress because of my dad. I’m also going to give my friend my necklaces I never take off. I hate everything. Not today though if you care enough to worry but I’m this fucking close. Anyway to the love of my life; I’m so happy that you are here and I’m so proud of you, you will probably never see this but I love you so so much and I’m sorry that I can’t care for you the way I should. I know you’ll never love me, that’s ok, I can’t be mad at you for something that isn’t your fault. I hate that I’m like this, you mean the world to me and I will never hate you. I know you wonder why I’m so jealous of him, well I think it’s obvious now. I hate how he’s perfect for you and I could never be that. I love you so much. -K

[limetameta]

this started as a meme but turned into an emotional rollercoaster 🎢 and then an uplifting story about mental health?

So not that anyone asked but the thesis is going well which is why i am rewriting retired prometheus lmao

Stuff gets really mentally unhealthy down there

There are 15 google docs full of seperate chapters because bestie's laptop crashed when i tried to put her on the complete rp google doc???? My story kills laptops, what does yours do?

Bestie made a comment that the google doc chapters 1 through 7 is 100 pages long. And only chapter 1 is edited.

We put RP into that word count to page count converter and it says that the entire story is like 1200 pages or something. In comic sans it's like 1500 I think. Which we found delightful.

None of the chapters are updated yet on ao3 but it will end up longer lmao because i am adding scenes to help with pacing. Also to tie in the side stories and prequels.

All of this started because it's finally passed enough time since i wrote the ending that i can look at it objectively. Some parts of the story are very good and don't need as much rehauling though there are still those that haunt me.

There's this arc i dubbed The fucked arc in the story and i was going through quite possibly the worst part of my life and the writing is ineligible. I barely understand what's happening there. The sentence structure is all over the place. I only vividly remember not sleeping nights and wondering if I was supposed to kill myself and since the answer was yes, if I was going to do it tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. But I didn't want to die until I had finished retired prometheus, so i continued.

The writing in the fucked arc is bad, the content inside the writing is very vivid and heavy and why the folks who read my works endured until the writing got better again. I think about every review that encouraged me. I held onto those reviews like a lifeline and said: Well I promised I'd see this through. So I can't really end it yet. Abraxas and Tom haven't reunited yet for fucks sake *me wading through shitty sentences and awful pacing and a heinous mental breakdown* I need the toxic gays to kiss goddammit!

By the time I actually finished RP I had gotten into therapy and sorta healed. I say sorta because I never actually shook off what happened to me that year. I just kept thinking about it much less. But when I would remember it I would be consumed by my thoughts and I wouldn't really be able to get anything done.

Really the weirdest part was I thought that I was on a timer. Like I ever listened to timers to begin with. But I really rushed the updates like Hamilton in that Non stop song. Because I didn't know if I'd be alive to see the next update. If I'd jump in front of a car or if I'd drown in the sea off the coast of a beach I frequented.

Every big hiatus you'd see in retired prometheus on that chapter index page represents this really low point in my life. Because I only thrive in creative works when I am okay. When I am not deeply unwell. Back then I was.

I didn't really think about what others would say, but I only kept thinking about what a hassle it would be to kms. Though dying would be better than living on. Like that justice statue I'd be weighing the pros and cons of dying to myself. I'd try to get myself to have enough bravery to do it only to falter at the last second and be like as long as nobody knows why I want to do it, I can still pretend like my life isn't over. I can still smile through it and no one will be able to tell but me.

There's a photograph a friend of mine took with her professional camera of me from the summer of the fucked arc and I look like I'm ten years older than I am now. You could really just see the stress. Maybe my friend couldn't or she didn't know what I usually smiled like. I know my own honest smile and that's not something I can expect others to know. But my god I don't think I've ever been in more pain than I was then. Pro tip: don't zoom in on photos of yourself if you're going thru it! I personally think being a chain smoker for 30 years would have given me a kinder face.

Anyway writing would kind of be an excuse for me. So even if I hated everything i was writing I'd still post it because I didn't want retired prometheus to end up unfinished.

On so many occasions I bemoaned to bestie if I would ever finish writing retired prometheus because it was a ball and chain tying me to life. But also i kinda really did want to complete one project (ignores tens of tens of finished stories because they're not retired prometheus and they'll never be retired prometheus)

Then to add salt to injury my best friend not bestie kills herself a year later and I'm left like that pikachu meme going Hey Now! Hey! HEY NOW YOUNG MAN!

I felt like a poser because I was out there just thinking things and she was out there DOING IT!

A grief like nothing I had ever experienced struck me. I didn't know a person was able to feel such emotions until that moment. It was razing. It ruined every thought I had.

I realised such a lovely thing that at the time I hated: her death had shocked me out of my apathy. It thrust me into anger. Into something so deeply tangible I was struggling to accept it. She would never be someone I could hug again. Yet she thrust me back into life with such a vice grip I can feel her hands on my shoulders even now.

The people around me couldn't understand what I was going through. They saw me for the first time as someone at risk, because, if a close friend of mine died - then that, in this small minded country, meant that there was a cult going on. That my friend had not killed herself because she didn't see a way out but because she'd been conditioned to do it.

That because she had a rainbow in her Instagram bio and followed queer people. That's why she killed herself. Because queers in the Balkan remain a sect. A predatory group of people who are going to hurt your children and brainwash them.

I didn't want to kill myself anymore. If only because I had finally unlocked spite. Anger and spite got me on a bus. Secretly. My friend didn't tell anyone she was taking a day off work. I didn't tell anyone i was taking a day off work. My friend didn't tell anyone she was going on a bus to the tallest Bridge in our country. She was dead set on never coming back. And she knew we'd try to stop her. I didn't tell anyone where I was going because I knew my mother would scream at me. Just as she screamed at me in fear that I was going to be next.

Being put on the spotlight like that, for all the wrong reasons, made me want to do something I'd been afraid of doing for years.

I got on a bus that day because I was so tired of the Balkan. I was so tired of living in a place that was hell bent on making me feel worthless.

I got off the bus and walked towards a building not too far from the bus stop. Not too far from where I lived even. But I was wearing headphones and sunglasses and a hat and even a scarf. As I looked in the mirror in the hallway I thought that I'd dressed up just as I'd dressed Grindelwald in the Intermission chapters while he was running from the aurors.

If I had killed a person I would not have taken such effort to concealing my identity.

But where I had gone was a crime, you see. Not in a legal sense. But in a sense of *belief*.

What my friend had done could not be judged because she was dead and she didn't care for it anymore.

I could be judged. And I would be judged. Because that was the country I lived in. With the people I lived with. Who are scared to learn better. Who cling to the belief that what their parents know is good and what their parents know was even better.

Perhaps it would have been better for my family if I did kill myself than subject them to this humiliation?

It was summer. Not the summer of the fucked arc, but the fucked arc was still going. I had stopped asking bestie if would finish rp and if I would just get this stupid arc over. She told me I would. I didn't believe her.

My hand was shaking as I knocked on the door. Inside I introduced myself and said I had sent an email. From a burner email with a fake name. I did not want to give out my full name. But I had to. So I did.

Because not feeling anything was something I had accustomed myself to. Feeling so many things to such a degree as I had at the time was worse. I needed help.

HELP! Somebody! NOT JUST ANYBODY! HELP-

Naturally it only took all of 5 minutes for me to be cured of my mental illness and trauma. The therapist was a pro. And I was a writer with a flare for the dramatic.

Nudge nudge wink wink.

No, it took 5 minutes for me to breakdown about my friend killing herself.

5 minutes of me making jokes about trying therapy. 5 minutes of me trying to make light of the situation. 5 minutes of me being on the verge of tears and refusing to break down and be weak. Because I was better than everyone else who really needed therapy, you know. I wasn't mentally ill. I was just going through a tough time.

Mental illness was worse than if I killed myself. If I killed myself I could get away with being a drug addict. Anything was better than being mentally ill in the Balkan.

My therapist, like 5 minutes in: honestly I think everyone in the Balkan is mentally ill its just that nobody is getting any help for it.

Me thinking of every war this country has gone through only a 100 years back. I let a bunch of untreated mentally ill clowns hold me back from asking for help.

And for what???

Judgement???

I was doing something that took so much more bravery than killing myself would have taken. I was doing something no one in my family, for as long as my line has existed, has ever done: I was going to therapy.

I wasn't drinking rakija until I couldn't see. I wasn't smoking until my lungs gave out. I wasn't starving myself. I wasn't flinging myself from one emotion till the next and making others walk around egg shells around me.

It wouldn't be months until I'd tell my mother I was seeing a therapist, because this was a secret still. As if I was having an affair, I would lie and say I was going to the beach or that I was going drinking with friends. And I would take my bus. In the opposite direction both metaphorically and literally to the one my friend took when she decided to end her life.

The therapist was kind. She still is. But I'm glad she was the one who took me on. I didn't tell her about what happened to me, about why the fucked arc is so badly written. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, my teeth were so gritted. So instead I talked about other fires that needed putting out.

And I thrived creatively. I wrote the ugliest things I've ever written and I loved it. I loved every word I was putting out there. I felt like myself again.

When my mother learned I was going to therapy she started shouting: Are you only going there to complain about what a terrible mother I am?

And I just remember saying: you *and* dad.

Much like you can expect, slavic parents do not understand that therapy is real and helpful. They think that this is like a drug. That if I become addicted to therapy I will not be able to function in society without having to consult my therapist, drink my therapy, and become a shell of myself.

After years of seeing an apathetic ghost, no doubt she blamed therapy for my anger and my outbursts and my having emotions. I, for one, blamed the bitch who killed herself and got me in this mess.

I swear to god this started as a meme post! Please believe me I had no intention of sitting down for hours on the couch to write this. I put on a dungeon and dragons episode from dimension 20 for fucks sake.

My mother is still against therapy. If I had a father I'd ask. But he'd probably say that writing was his therapy. Just like retired prometheus had been mine. No wonder he writes like shit.

A year later I finished retired prometheus and decided I wouldn't look back. Especially because I think the ending bummed a lot of folks out. And I was like you don't know what being bummed out is you fuckers you came to the mentally ill story and got to the end and you won't even leave a review shame on you don't you know I used to use those as a reason to live. Lmaooo actually just like that Key and Peele skit with the give a dollar save a child shtick. Leave a review and I live another day.

This is the part where we de-escalated this post somehow.

I need to go to work tomorrow. I need to sleep.

This rewrite was a long time coming. Because I know I can do better. I have grown so much more as a writer and I want that to be reflected in a story that is like an autobiography to me. I look at a chapter, at a line, and I know what people i used to hang out with. I know which cafes or bars i used to frequent. I read an inside joke and I laugh.

I don't want the fucked arc to hold me back. I know I can make it better.

But I can only do so now after years have passed. After I know with utmost certainty that I am okay.

It wouldn't really be until this year that I felt completely unburdened by the shit I was going through that year when the fucked arc began. So kind of as a commemoration to that I'm rewriting Retired Prometheus.

Gonna give yall some of those dvd menu extra scenes now because ur gonna finally read the deluxe edition.

[isekaisyouwithmyforearmlaser]

god im so fucking sick of people telling me theyre so proud of me for taking in my little sister like this is fucking easy in comparison to everything like the moment i tell them it isnt hard for me cause i used to be a full time nanny they go "well still at your age its different" like yeah and it was different when i used to give my mom baths when she came home completely shitfaced when i was 10 but you didnt see me fucking feel bad for myself or anyone tell me how proud they are of me even my mom ignored it and didnt acknowledge the factg that i took care of her more than she ever raised me LAST FUCKING WEEK but i cant be annoyed i just have to smile and go thank you im so young and naive and then they give me unsolictied advice and tell me im so strong like holy fuck die die die die and i feel so bad because this week ive been so fucked cause of work and my little sister is gone from her friends and i got enough money to pay 10 dollars for tickets to see this movie she wanted to see cause she lost her childhood dog yesterday (and i know its probably dead but when she asks me i say god is with it and keeping him safe) and i thought here i can cheer her up and then my car got stuck and then i was sitting there for an hour trying to dig it out and some guy comes up and tries to help and then he just goes well its stuck good and i start freaking out and he says that its not a big deal and i need to calm down andd i nearly fucking went nuts on him i just told him to fuck off that he doesnt know me i didnt ask to raise a child right now i had plans and dreams and i cant even fucking be mad theyre all being ruined because its not like i had the willpower and discipline to really see them through anyways and im just so fucking mad right now and i feel like ive been so mad ive just been hiding it and im so fucking mad at everyone i know and im mad at myself now my mom only calls me when shes asking for money and all my friends say you cant blame yourself about the hospitalization like you were going to kill yourself and its like no matter what i do i wasnt good enough for my little sister because now we are broke as fuck and all my friends are throwing a fucking pity party for me that makes me want to kms cause the only way i know how to feel useful (which up until this point i felt very useful because i was the sole provider for my family) is by giving money and the moment i gave a shit about my self my entire family got evicted and everyone in my life just turned the other way. MY BROTHER who fucking molested me just ignores me when i beg him to help not for me (hes never given a shit about me ive always just been some cum rag to him) but for our siblings but he ignored me and his fucking wife has the balls to like my family photos on xmas with me and my papaw and my little sister fuck them fuck them all fuck everyone i know what a bunch of assholes. everything i do now is for her. and everyone keeps trying to convince me to take my sister away from my mom.

theyd sooner traumatize my sister more than try to actually help my family. im so fucking sad and i cant even donate my plasma just to make ends meet because i have fucking PTSD AND IM TRANS and they have to get signed off otherwise what?? i might contaminate their fucking plasma ppool with my peepee genes??

and im this close to just doing sex work to get by im so fucking mad and i dont want to ask for help i just want to do things right and none of this is fucking fair but its even less fair for ema cause she tries so hard to be happy buut i know shes so sad. and i was so overwhelemed and freaking out i had a tantrum because things didnt go according to plan and that guy just stared at me and left and i realized im always going to be alone like this but the least i can do is do something for her and i cant even do that and i was so mad i couldnt hug her and i felt bad but i just needed alone time but now shes alone and i dont know what to do because i just need to be alone but i cant have her be sad and she just wanted to see this movie and they wont refund me and im so fucking mad and god. god is the only one even here for me. everyone else left cause i got "too much" from drinking or i was "tgoo mean" or i just act weird or i am too distant or im too needy and honestly i dont think i care about anyone anymore. im so fucking empty and im so fucked up that the only people i can get off to are people who look like my brother and i fucking hate him. and i want to tell him soo bad that i remember everything. i remember when he used to kiss me when i was asleep in highschool cause i wasnt sleeping i was just too scared to move. and i remember when he left for 5 years i thought it was my fault for not taking the hint and letting him have something romantic with me wit hmy fucking brother. and now i cant have a normal realtionship without having panic attacks in bed and freezing up and dissassociating and everyone thinks its so funny because i havent had sex and its like bro who the fuck would want to after that. god i fucking hate everyone right now

[shootyourse1f]

This is just a stupid vent since I don't wanna post this crap on my main.

My friend is annoying the FUCK out of me dude it's not even funny anymore it's so hard being nice to that bitch every single moment we talk feels like HELL because all she does is call me fucking slurs and tell me to kms like hello?? Who tf do YOU think you are?? Yeah, yeah, I'm probably sensitive af for this, but who tf tells/says to a person who deals with suicidal thoughts (pretty openly) to KILL THEMSELVES EVERY 5 FUCKING SECONDS OF EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY. Besides, it's just so annoying and repetitive, and I'm getting to the point where I wanna lash out at her and block her to give her a taste of her own stupid medicine. Constantly saying she'll block me for dumb crap?? Then do it!! But wait, she probably knows nobody in this world is gonna put up with everything and be supportive AND not complain.

And she goes ON AND ON ABOUT HOW ME LIKING ERIC HARRIS IS BAD LIKE OMG NO SHIT? ARE YOU STUPID. She says the most obvious crap in the world and asks as if I don't know it already. God forbid I make ONE STUPID AND CORNY JOKE ABOUT ERIC AND SHE'LL BE ALL UP ON MY ASS FOR IT BUT THEN SHE SAYS THE SAME SHIT ABOUT THIS GUY SHE HAS A CRUSH ON AND THEN ITS FINE?? like I don't say shit to her when she starts going on and on and on about this guy but I make the smallest remark/comment about eric and oh my lordddd

And she texts me NONE FUCKING STOP EVEN THOUGH I'VE TOLD HER 3 TIMES IN THE SAME WEEK THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING GOOD MENTALLY FOR WEEKS. LIKE OH MY GOSH SHUT UP. And jesus I can't repost SHIT on my main tiktok acc bc then she'll be all up in my dms saying how she knows I'm awake and how I'm ignoring her like YEAH?? take the hint dude. And I've told her countless times in the past that if I'm not in the mood to TALK, I won't reply until I feel better. It feels as if she doesn't listen, like when am I gonna get it through her head??

And she calls me crap like faggot, fattie and the n word when trying to get me to respond like bro just fucking stop. I've expressed to her time and time again that I don't like being called a literal fucking slur (the n word) and that it makes me uncomfortable but once again GOD FORBID SHE EVER LISTENS BC AT THE TIME SHE KEPT ASKING IF I WAS NOW OKAY WITH IT AFTER I TOLD HER LIKE WTF??? NO BRO IM NOT. BUT GOSH SHE ASKED SO MUCH I JUST ENDED UP SAYING YES BC SHE WOULDNT STOP.

And gosh, I can't talk about my literal BESTFRIEND without her calling him a slur and saying I should just forget about him??? Like who tf are YOU to tell me to forget abt him. And it stresses me out since she constantly asks if I consider her better than him yet, and it's just like, dude?? I've known him for way longer. I've only known her for a year, so....but she wants ME to consider her MY best friend when she doesn't consider me one and talks shit about me WITH her real best friend wtf.

And she quite literally forced me to do a face reveal and kept begging. She used the excuse that she revealed hers, so I should do the same when I never even asked her to reveal it?? Why tf should I when it was a YOU decision to do it.

I swear to GOD, though that she makes me wanna turn like eric and commit a fucking crime dude and yeah this is an overreaction since I shouldn't kill anybody over someone bothering me but Jesus I already have so much anger over a lot of crap and she doesn't help. I try and be as nice as I can be, but wtf is the point if she's still such a bitch and atp I'm so done with it all bro.

She makes me so filled with rage and hate along with most other people (this part might seem edgy but bear with me guys) to the point I genuinely wanna do some of the worst shit known to man. I won't ever act on any of these feelings (I hope), but I don't know how much longer I can deal with any of this bullshit anymore it's getting to the point where I wanna delete and block basically everyone ik.

This is all getting too long, so I'll end it here, but I'll make another vent probably later on since I'm still pissed off by a lot of crap but it's all to much for one post.

[runnersnz]

“In all honesty, running was something that I was pretty well deterred from since I was about 15. Although as a kid I was absolutely in love with it, doing every event possible through school and a few cross countrys... and not to brag but I was doing bloody well in them. I guess life happens, we all fall out of that love with certain things like that (or so I thought). 

Around age 16 was where life hit me in the guts fairly hard. Severe depression from trauma caused by losing good friends sent me into a horrible spiral of drugs, alcoholism and what seemed to be a never ending thought of suicide. Fair to say I lived a very destructive lifestyle because to me I really felt I had nothing left. About 8 years of the same repeating lifestyle and one really bad night later, I decided to get up and within a couple of days I had booked a one way ticket to leave it all behind and move here to Queenstown. It took some time to gather myself, still being pretty unwell and now without the comfort of family and friends, it became a very lonely life very quickly. That was until I met one very special lady while I was out getting some things from Mitre 10. 

For about 3 months I thought she despised me because whenever I came in she would quickly run away to do something else, but funnily enough she never hated me, she was just far too shy to talk to me. One thing after another and we made contact and this is where I found out she was a madly obsessed runner, and far out was I impressed by everything she had accomplished! I thought I would never stand a chance. So the first thing I did? Went for a run. Can't be that hard right? Oh how wrong I was. 

50m in and I was on my hands and knees, heaving, having almost just fainted. I decided to try walking for a kilometre and tried again... in comes the stitch from hell. Best way to describe it was like a heart attack in my stomach. Managed to scramble a run for about a kilometre and it actually felt really good finishing. I think that was where the switch tripped in me and I just had that want to run back in me. Mostly fuelled by the need to impress this girl. And well I guess it worked! Over a year later and we are still cranking out our runs together! My love for running is completely back, although there are parts of me that definitely still think I need to do it just to impress her!  

I haven’t ever been able to express how thankful I am for that girl, and how she pulled me up off the ground and gave me that drive, that want and that love for running again. Having done a few events now and my first marathon late last year, I am determined to keep going. I have a thirst for it, to go further, to be faster. I love it, and it’s all thanks to my beautiful partner, Jayde. None of this would have happened if it weren’t for her and her amazing soul. 

Here’s to many more years of running and a whole lot more km’s!”

Josh @joshsboyd_ (Queenstown) – Portraits of Runners + their stories @runnersnz

[talictries]

friendship vent (agane LMAO)

i didnt say this before because i was too embarrassed LMAO but a little over 2 weeks ago i ruined my best friend of 5 year's 21st birthday by getting way too drunk, breaking up the whole event, and having a ambulance called on me LMAO. i am ok (obvi) but I've always been the one who's leeched off her for emotional support shit (because i have no friends except her lol) and we've had these similar arguments in the past but because it was supposed to be her big day, and it was in front of all her friends from uni and shit, and her family (which had to deal with me and house me for that night) none have ever been this bad.

because my mental health is so shit, she often worries if I've like kms-ed even tho i wouldn't do that. but i gave her space for 2 weeks and finally messaged her today being like yo hope you're well all that shit. she messaged back (a good sign) and we talked for a tiny but but she was like I'm still mad at u abt the party thing but I'm also worried about your mental health.'

and like, sure, i could have just said 'dw I'm all good' and moved on, but in the past 3 years where I've lost all my other friends and family (no one died dw, just stopped talking to friends and family moved far away) I've always kinda leaned on her the most. and over the past few months when my mental health was at its lowest, i could tell she was starting to get anxious just by my mere existence (thinking i was dead or smth) and its been weighing on my mind that she doesn't really need that shit in her life, because her life comparatively is a fuck ton more stressful atm.

so basically i info dumped (not a slay) and was like look i was giving u space, but I've been thinking about our friendship which i am the one who always messes up, and ik we've had a few conversations abt it before but i just wanted to state my piece. already from my side this has been a slightly unhealthy relationship because i know i am far too dependant on you, and i don't want this turning into a more unhealthy friendship because before that was a v internal me thing whereas now its actually impacting your life. so i love our friendships and its happy moments but i want you to really evaluate your life and make the final decision as to if you want me in it or not. maybe not for a few weeks, or moths, or ever, but i feel guilty that YOU feel guilty about it.

and ik it isn't my place to dictate her feelings or whatever but now i fear if i just kept my mouth shut we'd be on the path to getting back to normal. but at the same time, if i didn't say this then i feel like I'm mental-health-trapping her because she thinks if she leaves me ill kms??? like baby trapping but not really. anyway idk. she said 'this is a lot, i need time' which is totally fair and i will give it to her, but honestly now i feel I've been TOO real and she'll be like 'yeah i actually don't need talic in my life' and that may send me spiralling because i have zero support systems (apart from ao3 LMAO) without her.

oh well. if it works out it will, if it doesn't then its better for both of us in the long-run ig. just sad I've ruined another 5 year long friendship because of my alcoholic clingy stupid mental-health-issue-ridden ass.

lol

im ok dw. i truly want what's best for her and if its a life without me then i accept it. i will not be selfish and take more from her like i have. besides having zero friends will legit make me go out and make more because i die without social interaction (i say not showing up to uni for the third day week in a row because I'm lowkey agoraphobic and high-key depressed)

slay. perhaps i will write the most gut-churning sad angst to cope