#on of these days i will write an entire essay on the companions and it will be terrible. i will have the time of my very life.

[feroluce]

how do u imagine natasha + sampo’s relationship?

I. Feel a little bad for leaving this in my inbox as long as I did, especially since I said in this post I could write a whole essay on them. But then when I tried to actually answer this, I realized ah shit, I can't really articulate what I think of them at all OTL

(so have a bajillion words of meta analysis of them instead fklajklasjf)

Just! Sampo is very mysterious figure, and we know so little of his background and his motivations! So it's really difficult to get a solid read on some of his relationships with other characters. Regardless, I do think that Natasha is perhaps the one he's closest with, and that she is the one person who knows him the most intimately in all of Belobog.

And a lot of it IS hard to pin down because of Sampo's slippery nature, but also because it's like. If you look at just Natasha's dialogues about Sampo, it doesn't really look like much. It only becomes more meaningful when compared to how everyone else talks about him.

Most other characters just comment on what Sampo does, as in his observable actions that are easy to see on the surface or from a distance.

Natasha is one of the very, very few that actually speaks to Sampo's personality or philosophy. Like she not only is able to describe a certain behavior of his, but she's able to explain the why behind it.

At least part of this is probably that they spend so much time together- Hook even comments on it during her companion quest.

And tbh I don't really think it needs more proof or anything with such a flat out statement like that, but this is actually further supported by the fact that Seele is the only other character in Belobog to sorta-kinda comment on Sampo's personality; if Sampo were hanging around the clinic with Natasha all day, Seele would probably be the person he would see second-most there. Of the dialogues posted further up in this post, Hook obviously sees him all the time, but it's not always in the clinic, and besides she's still very young...she wouldn't have the same read on him an adult would. Luka avoids the clinic whenever he can because he's worried about taking up Natasha's valuable time. And the Landau siblings aren't even present in Boulder Town until after the Stellaron is quieted.

Seele, on the other hand, is extremely loyal and devoted to Natasha, and seems to worry about her a lot. She doesn't have the same reservations as Luka, and it would feel right to see her in the clinic frequently, taking orders and missions and trying to make sure Natasha doesn't run herself in the ground. So it would make sense for her to see a lot of Sampo if he's always in there, too, enough that she would have things to say about his personality, whether she likes that or not haha.

Of course we know from Sampo's lines that it's not that he's sick, he's just reporting back to Natasha. Sampo not only smuggles in supplies across the border like what most people know him for, he's also Natasha's source of intel.

Bringing back intel doesn't necessarily have to involve a lot of conversation though, especially because it would make more sense for Sampo to be turning in written reports. It decreases the chance of Natasha mishearing/misunderstanding something or having to rely on memory alone, neither of which are really things you probably want to be doing when bad intel can mean the difference between life and death in her circumstances. So I do really wonder what it is Sampo does in the clinic all day haha. Given that he's a big believer in the power of small talk bringing in big clients, it's entirely possible Sampo is just in there being chatty, happily making conversation and keeping Natasha company most of the time...which is kinda cute. He also really could just be talking shop, too, of course- Sampo does a lot of work for Natasha, and I don't think it'd be a stretch to assume she's his main client. There's probably a lot to discuss about supply quotas, incoming intel, scheduled drops, etc.

My favorite option, though, is actually based on one of Sampo's options from the main quest, where he says:

Because like! The way he says this, the way he specifies that this is his opinion, but no one seems to care what he thinks? And how he calls them stubborn in particular? It really sounds like Sampo has been trying to get Wildfire to operate in a different direction. And if you look up the exact definition of "artless," you get this

which very much fits Sampo, and how he does things. He has guile and deception down to an art form. Sampo goes on to call Wildfire "do-gooders," but then cautions the trailblazer not to underestimate them because of that- indicating that Sampo sees that type of philosophy as something naive, or at least just ineffective. Something that you would underestimate a person for.

And the person Sampo associates with the most in Wildfire, the one he's always seen with, the one who would hold the most sway to change the modus operandi of the organization is...Natasha.

So I wonder if Sampo has been trying, possibly for years now, to get Natasha to see what he thinks of as reason, and start playing dirty to survive. I wonder if that's what he spends so much time in the clinic for, is because he does care, and he wants her and the rest of them to live, and he has been trying to convince her to go with his way of doing things, but Natasha has been refusing him, refusing to compromise her morals.

Because we know from some readables and from the general Vibe, both up on the surface and down below, that things were getting pretty dire. Rivet Town has fallen. The Silvermane Guards are being whittled down and broken. The Fragmentum was right on everyone's doorstep, and I'm sure that if the Astral Express hadn't arrived- and that if Sampo hadn't set the stage so perfectly, if he hadn't played his part just so- then all of Belobog would have eventually been snuffed out. Sampo had to have known it was happening. He must have known the end was upon them.

He doesn't even have a stake in Belobog- he's not from here. He could, assumingly, call it quits and leave when shit got tough by whatever means got him there in the first place.

And I'm sure Sampo wants to save all of Belobog, but I think he's particularly endeared by Natasha. He famously phrases his view of Elation as "true happiness always entails the manifestation of the dignity of mankind." And like. Who else embodies that so much as her?

Maybe it is a little vague and up to interpretation, but I feel like Natasha is FULL of that kind of dignity. She has been doing this since before the blockade. She willingly chose to stay in the Underground where she could do the most good. She has seen so, so much death and you can see how it weighs on her; she's become bitter, and wary, and weary. She has it out for the Guards (understandable), and she openly taunts Gepard and goes right for his throat when he shows up in Boulder Town, ten years too late, trying to help with the Fragmentum.

Natasha even seems to have given up any belief she may have once had. She's completely lost faith in Qlipoth.

All of this, and yet she still chooses to be kind. She still chooses to help people. There is something immensely admirable in all of that.

And I feel like you can see how much Sampo admires her in just how often he thinks of her, especially when someone needs help. Sampo smokebombs everyone and needs to get them somewhere safe in the Underground? He takes them to Natasha. Svarog is about to fucking kill everyone? Go get Natasha. He finds the trailblazer passed out in an alleyway? He carries them to Natasha. The trailblazer is seeing weird shit out in the Fragmentum? Recommend they go get a check up. Specifically from Natasha.

It's a little silly, but I think you can also see some of this when Sampo is being melodramatic about being caught red-handed in the museum event. He echoes a very important sentiment to Natasha and Wildfire;

And the mission where this ideology was displayed strongest was titled, "To Rot or To Burn."

(Hell, in the dream sequence of Penacony- regardless of whether that dream bubble came from Sampo or Sparkle, it had to be informed by Sampo's tales of Belobog. Sparkle has never been there herself. And the kind trashcan that immediately helps you and sets you on the right path, that tries to rally everyone together, the only one with a name so clearly and obviously taken from someone Sampo knew in Belobog? Is Shatana- an anagram of Natasha. Even from a meta perspective, they have the same VA. No other trashcan there gets that treatment. None.)

I think they have the same goals, and even hold some of the same views. Natasha's are much more obvious, but still. Sampo says this about Belobog's circumstances:

And he says this as though it should be obvious common sense. That when things are rough, you share and make sure everyone has enough. I think they both share this belief, it's just that they disagree on how to go about making things even. Natasha believes in rallying people for the cause and giving as much of herself as she can to make up for whatever people lack. Sampo believes that if some dipshit with more money than what they need falls for his bullshit and he gets to spread it around? Well hey, that sounds like a whole lot of their own fault.

Natasha is definitely aware of this, and she has no problem threatening Sampo whenever she thinks he's stepping out of line.

She keeps him on a very short leash, which like. Yeah no that's valid fjkdlsajfdklj

Even so, the way she talks about him, like... Maybe it's just me, and my rose-colored glasses, but she doesn't seem to dislike him nearly as much as she could? She kind of just. Says these things as statements about him, without any real vitriol behind them. This is just kind of how he is. She even seems to have a sense of humor about it.

And again! She has so much more to say about him than almost any other character.

I'd like to think part of her...affection? of sorts? for him is simple camaraderie. Circumstances are dire. Past, present, and future are all bleak. Things like that deepen bonds with your foxhole buddies. Sampo is dependent on Natasha for work and pay and a place to get away from the Guards. Natasha is dependent on Sampo for food and medicine and life-saving supplies. They both heavily rely on each other in this harsh environment, and they have a really nice back-and-forth that I appreciate with how they help each other out by owing favors as payment.

And the other part, I'd like to think actually IS because she knows him very well- maybe not things like his past, but she knows some of his personality and beliefs, and finds them agreeable enough. She even has the audacity to call him a poor liar at one point- Sampo! Of all people! Known by someone well enough to be caught out as a poor liar! He's either intentionally leading her on and letting her think she's caught him, or Natasha just really is that good. Neither would surprise me tbh

I think Natasha is also just uniquely prepared to understand Sampo, and is able to see his better sides without letting her judgement be clouded by his slimy manner. She's able to appreciate that his actions ARE extremely helpful, regardless of how he does them.

Even as she acknowledges that he isn't always trustworthy, she does still choose to rely on him and give him chances. She was pleasantly surprised by him here, but she still chose to trust him with this in the first place. She never treats him harshly, and she never seems to bear any kind of grudge with him.

But my favorite example of Natasha being able to understand Sampo? My favorite is this. This one little throwaway line, that didn't even involve him, wasn't even about him. I feel like Natasha is capable of knowing and understanding Sampo on a deeper level than most people can, solely because of this.

She gets it.

(As a fun bonus: In the current trashcan event, there's a simple mechanic where you get one trial character for the initial battle. Then, for the harder stage, you get that same trial character, plus a couple of extras. This is true for every Proof- except for Sampo's. In his harder stage, you use Asta, Black Swan, and Luocha. But in his initial stage, in an event all about friendship and relationships...)

[louisianna]

I could write an entire essay (and perhaps one day I will) on how 'Furiosa' is Gothic fiction, a Gothic romance in particular, but I just need to talk about one key aspect of the relationship between Furiosa and Jack for a minute. A lot of discussion surrounding them has been about the nature of their relationship. Most people seem to love the ambiguity, myself included, and I think looking at it through a Gothic romance lens can help us understand why it works so well.

Most Gothic romances feature a heroine who is trapped inside a literal and/or figurative domestic space by a domineering man, typically a father or husband. Poor Furiosa gets both. Dementus imprisons her in the role of daughter. Immortan Joe imprisons her in the role of wife. These are restrictive domestic roles which have been forced upon her and which she cannot freely walk away from. Gothic romance is at its best when it is exposing and critiquing the cruelty of a patriarchal society and the unfair limitations it places upon women.

Furiosa evades attention by disguising herself as a boy. When Jack realises she is actually a woman, and that she is determined to leave the Wasteland, he immediately offers to help her get to wherever she needs to go. No questions asked. And what does Jack expect in return? Absolutely nothing. The trope of a good man, with experience, skill, and social standing, selflessly assisting the heroine, is quite common in Gothic romance.

Jack's words to Furiosa are never paternalistic. They speak to one another as equals. Dementus wanted to shape Furiosa in his own image, but Jack only wants to pass on what he knows. He doesn't want her to stay his protégé or sidekick. He wants her to be able to take care of herself. Until she asks him to come with her, he has every intention of letting her go her own way, leaving him behind.

Jack never comments on Furiosa's appearance. They dress as equals. Immortan Joe put Furiosa in delicate fabrics and planned to use her body for his own selfish desires, but Jack only ever touches Furiosa for her own sake. He doesn't want to possess her. He wants to protect her. He cleans and stitches up her wounds. He will place a comforting hand on her shoulder, only for as long as it takes for her to relax beneath his touch.

It's important to remember that this is a thematic tale being told to us by a History Man, a framing device which is extremely befitting of the Gothic genre. Within this legend, Jack and Furiosa's disregard for clearly defined domestic roles draws a stark contrast to the priorities of Dementus and Immortan Joe. It serves to highlight that their dynamic is free from patriarchal dominance. Whether their relationship is sexual or platonic, romantic or familial, is irrelevent. What matters is that their relationship is based upon genuine concern, deep respect, and unwavering trust. This is the lesson of their story, and it is a lesson for all to the hear. Jack does not merely represent a good father or a good husband or a good mentor. He represents it all. His character is fluid and multi-dimensional. His relationship with Furiosa is ever-shifting and all-encompassing. This allows him to be a role model to all men. But I digress from talking about Gothic fiction!

True domestic happiness for the Gothic romance heroine is only possible once she finds a companion who treats her as a peer; a social equal who gives her the freedom to choose and define the role she wishes to have in his life. It also requires finding or creating a refuge in which the heroine is safe from male power and violence. Furiosa found a more than worthy partner in Jack. Unfortunately, they didn't succeed in reaching freedom together.

Perhaps, in a less Gothic setting than the Wasteland, putting a name to what they were wouldn't have mattered so much. As it was, "my Jack" and "my Fury" was enough.

[ot3]

Hey I was wondering if I could ask an ORV question?

I don't really understand the significance of the Square Circle or what exactly it symbolizes in the context of ORV. I understand the Square Circle as a mathematical problem but it seems when it comes to ORV analysis I fall short lol.

Ive just seen a lot of ORV bloggers mention that symbol especially and focusing on it, and Im curious why it had such a big impact on people, and honestly I want to feel that impact as well haha

Hope you have a good day!!! Obviously theres no obligation to reply:) just trust your ORV takes

this is definitely a topic you could squeeze an entire essay about it but since im about to go to bed here's a quickie. From chap 454, here's what it says about the square circle:

The 'square circle' here is introduced as something that is logically impossible, but which can exist in writing due to the nature of a thing. Anything that you can claim is true in text becomes true in that novel regardless of the actual possibility or absence of underlying logic. here, they're using this to talk about the worldbuilding of ways of survival and how a lot of it doesn't make sense and is shit. Textually, they're slapping this on top of the plot hole that exists from the events of future regressions influencing past regressions. Sub-textually, they're introducing us to the idea that the 'square circle' is something that can't be imagined as existing in the 'real' world.

then at the end of the square circle chapters, during the company retreat, kim dokja is finally taking a load off to hang out with his companions for once. even though they quite literally have to threaten him with death to get the job done. everyone manages to have a nice evening together before it all goes to shit. and here's what happens

Right here, surrounded by his companions and making one of his first truly earnest attempts to connect with and understand the people around him, kim dokja gets to see a real 'square circle'. something that he never could have imagined, something that, hypothetically, could make sense in written worlds where you don't need to understand how it exists, just that it does.

and on it's own, this feels fun, a little bit of a 'nothing is impossible' sparkle to top off a very cute scene, but i really think this is one of the moments you're supposed to understand much better on a reread. Because it's not until the very last chapter of the novel that they tell us, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what 'square circle' they've actually been trying to create in the real world

[littlemisstfc]

How The Bayverse Failed Optimus Prime

Hello, hola, こんにちは。

Welp, it’s been eighty four years since I have written a Transformers essay for Tumblr, huh? I do deeply apologize for my months-long hiatus on this funky T app. I was busy being a gaslighting, gatekeeping girlboss in the wilds of the bird app and that funny video app I think the kids call Taki Taki. Huh. What an odd name for an app. 🧐

Wait, what am I talking about? Wait, I remember. Anyways…

Oh, sweet little Bayverse, my dear archnemesis. Everyone and their mothers have the universal opinion of all opinions: the Bayverse is fundamentally flawed. Even if you hold nostalgic opinions about this franchise, by all means more power to you, you cannot deny that it’s a film series that is basically an 12 year old edgelord’s wet dream. Loud, obnoxious, filled with every horrible stereotype of the human race imaginable (from women to people of color to people with common sense), and lacks an understanding of what made Transformers special. If this movie was a person, it would call me a slur. 😭 But that’s a discussion for another day, and I’ve already made a video about the misogyny of the Bayverse if you’re curious. Check that out in your spare time! 👍🏽

In a nutshell, the Bayverse movies are not good, and there’s no better representation of why the movies lack a basic understanding of the franchise it was adapted from than a character that is essentially a childhood icon for many people:

Optimus Prime.

Everyone and their mothers hold a universal opinion that is sadly present: this man is a maniac who basically says, “GIVE ME YOUR HEAD.” However, Imma about to say something that not only caused a flame war when I brought it up a while back on Twitter, but reflects how the portrayal of Optimus in the movies is flawed in insidious ways:

Optimus is the victim of bad character writing as well as the lack of understanding his core personality. Thus, as a result, this resulted in the, “Bayverse Optimus is a psycho phenomenon” that demonized his visible mental health issues. He was a traumatized individual affected by the tragedies he had to endure throughout his entire life, and the movies did not do his hidden character arc justice. Come along with me on this journey of understanding Bayverse Optimus as a person, not as a demonic caricature that is unfortunately common in the fandom.

3, 2, 1, PINGU.

A Tale of a Bot: The Long Road to A Broken Mind

Optimus’ current personality and outlook on life in general is a result of having a life filled with betrayals and tragedy. Having been orphaned at a young age after the Fallen has killed off the lineage of the Primes, he was taken in by Sentinel Prime as a pupil. Having worked with other Autobots in revitalizing Cybertron into a hospitable world, he was selected by Sentinel to lead the Autobots. At the same time, his true heritage was revealed. However, feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of his prestigious family history, Optimus turned down Sentinel’s offer. He accepted the responsibility of co-leading Cybertron with his childhood ish friend Megatron, as he is the fair to the latter’s firmness. However, throughout their rule, they clashed multiple times over multiple scenarios such as the arrival of enemy invaders and the discovery of a relic. This was mostly fueled by Megatron’s own resentment and jealousy towards his co leader due to Optimus’ Prime heritage. The boiling point that exploded into war was Megatron and his followers ambushing Prime and his companions while on a trip to Metrotitan. Thus, along with the apparent death of Sentinel through the latter’s ship being shot by Starscream, this drives Optimus in adopting a rage induced mindset towards Megatron. The one he grew up, the one he confided in, the one that he adored so much, the one who has betrayed his trust all for a vain and arrogant quest for the ultimate power. It lays the framework for Optimus’ jaded, yet hopeful outlook on life, something that the movies at least did a job in conveying. It’s also helped by Peter Cullen giving it his all as usual in conveying his sadness buried underneath his stoic demeanor. Thus, along with a few more shenanigans in the comics, this is where the first two movies started.

I appreciate the comics existing, because they took the time to actually develop Optimus’ personality and his mental state as seen in the film series. We see him as a hopeful, naive bot who hopes that one day, Megatron can change his mind and Cybertron will be alive once again. Unfortunately…the one predictable aspect of life is its unpredictability, and god dammit…it reared its ugly head as all hell breaks loose after a certain old bot returned in Dark of The Moon. Dark of The Moon is the true outlier among a sea of mediocrity and awfulness, for the best element it got right: how Sentinel’s betrayal deeply affected Optimus in the long run. This is someone who raised him when he had nothing, someone he deeply loves as a father, someone he trusted whole heartedly. And how does Sentinel repays Optimus’ loyalty and adoration for him in DOTM? Tricking him and the others into leading him to the Allspark, since UH OH he is a Decepticon spy all along, killed the Hit Me With Everything You Got robot, helping Megatron invade Chicago, and planting Seeds in order to revive Cybertron by killing Earth. Optimus saw his mentor going down a path similar to Megatron, which essentially broke his idealistic viewpoint into devastating shards that could never be put together again. I find his confrontation with Sentinel after defeating him in battle very compelling, because you could feel the heartbreak, the anger, and…the disappointment that his mentor is not the the man that he loved as a father. It was Sentinel’s choice to go to the Dark Side, it was Sentinel’s bed to lie on,

Sure, the day was eventually saved in the end. However, everything that Optimus knew and all the people he loved is gone officially. He got his main band of amigos, that’s good. However…he is basically alone in dealing with his thoughts. The universe is a cruel mistress, and it keeps putting our Flamin Hot Cheetos boyo through the ringer.

We get to Age of Extinction, years after the Battle of Chicago. Now on the run thanks to the American government being the American government, he has no one. His friends are also in hiding, Autobots are fugitives in the planet they sought refuge in, and humans are willing to turn him into the authorities. This drives his mental state into something even worse as it is, as years of trauma and stress has finally caught up to him. Like, dude legit needs some weed to soothe his nerves and it is HAUNTING. Reduced to a broken, traumatized man in the safety of a barn, he is left with major trust issues. However, one day, a kind human by the name of Cade Yeagar did the unthinkable: he didn’t turn in Optimus to the authorities. Instead, he chose to repair our Flamin Hot King out of the kindness of his heart once he realizes that Optimus is no ordinary car. Even with the pressures of his family’s financial situation, Cade still chose to help Prime. This is the first step to breaking the first wall of Optimus’ mental state: his trust issues. For a movie infamous for being one of the worst movies in Transformers history, it does a surprisingly excellent job in portraying Optimus’ and Cade’s relationship in a natural progression. They’re both bird of a feather; they’re both tired fathers raising a rebellious teenager while also trying to make it in this crazy ass world. Thus, with Cade still helping him even when his life is in danger multiple times, Optimsu learns to open up to other people for the first time in probably centuries. He reconnects with his teammates, he begins to regain his faith in humanity and the universe, and he opens his spark again to love. By the end of the movie, Cade became the person that Megatron and Sentinel had failed to be, someone who is actually similar to Optimus’ other close friend Elita One. 

Soon, The Last Knight arrived and things got worse for him. Subjected to brutal torture at the hands of Quintessa, who tried to force him to love her as a mother, he reached the breaking point of his sanity. An empty shell of his former self, a representation of everything that he went through, the painful reminder how he felt about himself for so long…true, he was rescued by Cade and regained his grip on sanity in order to save the day. However, it means that he’ll have to carry the scars of the single most traumatic moment of his life so far… honestly, say what you want about The Last Knight. However, through this one hidden gem underneath a pile of mediocrity, lies a character that suffered for so long to find the love and happiness he desperately wanted, that suffered for the liberation of his people, that suffered because his lineage ensures that he couldn’t find happiness possibly for a long time…

But an Autobot has no tears, and therefore he suffers so much more.

So, riddle me this, dear TORB Nation: how does the movie portray a genuinely compelling character arc that reveals another side to Optimus Prime?

BLOWING UP SHIT AND BODIES BODIES BODIES ON THE MOTHERFUCKING FLOOR, AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The movies not only twisted such a character arc into simply nothing more than, “Optimus angy,” but it’s genuinely disgusting that his visible mental issues was thrown under the bus because heaven forbid, we have an emotionally complex protagonist. They don’t understand who Optimus Prime is. Optimus Prime is someone who pushes through his sorrows and chooses to remain a kind person in spite of said trauma. However, the movies twisted his character into another angry badass robot, never highlighting his kindness, It only highlighted his sadness. I cannot believe that Imma about make this comparison (mostly because one of these outcomes is arguably better than Bayverse in all ways), but fuck it. I need to say it:

EVEN MOTHERFUCKING TRANSFORMERS PRIME KNEW TO SHOWCASE THIS VULNERABLE SIDE OF OPTIMUS THAN THE BAYVERSE EVER DID.

Like, TFP Optimus is a pretty brick with no personality trait other than Badass Stoic Optimus that plagued the 2010s. Still, still, still, it made sure to highlight his vulnerability in a respectful and careful manner. Said respectful and caring manner is barely there except for hidden bits from time to time due to the lame ass, “Primes don’t party” logic and moments that personally grind my gears, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyways, my point is that Michael Bay would rather focus on style than substance when he’s not busy terrorizing women. Even if you’re an apologist for him, it resulted in the movies being broken for better or for worse. Mostly worst. Because of the movies being broken, it continues to do an even worse job in The Last Knight, as it focuses on the same stupid shit as usual and throws Optimus under the bus as usual. He isn’t given time to breathe, time to fully flesh out his personality and state of mind in a caring and graceful manner. Like…this honestly upsets me just as much as the disgusting elements of the Bayverse as a whole.

This Optimus Prime is someone who was me when I reached my breaking point in the lowest moments of my life. I understood where he was coming from, I understood his pain and anger because of all the heavy shit he went through. For a long time, he has a special place in my heart as I got older because he represents who I was in a time of my life where I was just as vulnerable and broken as him. So, don’t ya’ll (especially those on Twitter) ever fucking say he is a psycho because to me, that shows the ugly side of your personality. He was me, he was a character that came in a point in my life that helped me through difficulties in my life. He is a character that has the most bastardization of any character I adore in fiction, because of the insidious nature of the movies he was in for a decade. 

Bayverse Optimus Prime is more than the “GIVE ME YOUR FACE” guy. He is a character with hidden LAYERS that is done dirty by the Bayverse movies. I will continue to repeat this statement: He is more than, “GIVE ME YOUR FACE.” 

Conclusion: Why Are Y'all Booing Me? I have a third eye.

I have to put up with this “Bayverse Optimus is a psycho” bullshit for YEARS, I deserve to be a feral gremlin DAMMIT. After a long time of seeing one of my favorite iterations of Optimus Prime be reduced as a funny murder guy by the non Tumblr fandom, because of the Bayverse movies bastardizing his character, I have to put my foot down. If y’all can’t see my viewpoint, that’s fine. However, I’ll continue to be a passionate fan of this Optimus Prime and gatekeep him from the fans who demonize my boyo into nothing but a caricature. He is the big titty goddess in this household with so much more going for him. I’ll never stop to be his ace attorney for as long as I live, because he was someone who was me. Someone who opened the doors to introducing me to one of my favorite characters in all of fiction. He was the light in my darkest hour…

Anyways, good night Tri State Area. Pingu.

[wastelandmoony]

Déjà Vécu: Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen : Saints

Summary: Remus makes a promise.

Characters: Remus Lupin/Reader, Sirius Black/Reader (no use of y/n), James Potter, Petter Pettigrew, Regulus Black, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald, Lily Evans

Warnings: none?

A/N: She's baaaaaaack. Wow it's been a while. Sorry for being non-existent for the past few months, I've had a lot going on (none of it good), and just did not have the time to write anything. This isn't the most exciting chapter, but I'll be posting more now that I'm back up and running. 

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April 18th, 1975

Lily Evans was a saint. And not just because she was sweet, and pretty, and unbelievably kind, but because after four years she had yet to punch James Potter in the face. Four years of pining, of unsolicited compliments and across-the-room drooling, and the most she had returned was an eye roll. 

After becoming closer with Mary through Marlene, it was only natural that Lily snuck her way into the fold as well, and by the end of the year, the four were inseparable. This new circle came at the perfect time, because Remus had distanced himself far from the rest of them, and she’d never felt more lost. 

After the death of his mother, Remus retreated into himself. The majority of his time was now spent tucked away in solitude in the library, or holed up in the dorm with his bed curtains closed. He didn’t ignore them, conversations were still answered if prompted, but Remus seemed to make sure to keep them all at arms length. She had tried to weasel her way into his secluded bubble a few times by sneaking to the library and posting up at his favorite table near the back. The moment he caught sight of her, he offered an apologetic half-smile and mumbled some clearly invented excuse about “just checking out a book for later”. Arms full of heavy textbooks, he’d then scurry off back towards Gryffindor Tower. James, ever the optimist, was adamant that he would come around, but as the castle warmed, she wasn’t so sure.

“—so it’s settled!” Lily clapped her hands together across the table in the Great Hall, “Girls night, tonight!” 

She sat between Peter and Marlene, moping into her breakfast while the chipper redhead gave a rundown of activities for the night. Remus had rushed down earlier, grabbing a plateful of food and ran out of the hall with a brief explanation of “an important essay due”. The look on Sirius’ face let her know that he was calling bullshit as well, shaking his head and refusing to even look at his friend as he grabbed three pieces of toast from the center of the table. 

“—and you!” Lily pointed a fork at her, “can you steal some snacks from the kitchens?”

Looking up from the plate, she met her friend’s emerald green eyes. The sincere excitement sparkling back made her smile.

“Of course Lils,” she laughed, watching the grin on her friends’ face widen. 

“If you manage to grab some treacle tart, I will forever be in your debt!” Lily fluttered her eyelashes, pouting dramatically. 

Two seats down, James leaned forward over his plate.

“I’ll bring you treacle tarts every day if you give me a shot Evans—“

The entire table groaned.

Lily’s fake pleading vanished as she rose from the table, completely ignoring James once again, “I’ll see you lot tonight!” She flashed the girls a smile, and before turning to leave, she could’ve sworn the ghost of a blush was on Lily’s cheeks. 

Glancing over at Mary, she could tell that it wasn’t missed by her either. This would undoubtedly be brought up later, the smirk she was hiding was confirmation of this. 

As the other two girls began a detailed discussion on Mary’s new Ravenclaw fling, she turned her attention across the table. 

“Have any of you tried talking to Remus?” 

Sirius shook his head, James just looked defeated.

“I don’t understand what his problem is,” Sirius said a little too forcefully, “I understand his mum died, but it’s been months!”

“Just because you have a bad relationship with your mother, doesn’t mean the rest of us do,” she shot, completely not caring about his feelings at the present moment.

His eyes narrowed, and sensing another spat, James jumped in to divert. 

“We have something that might chip away at him though!” He motioned across the table at Pete, who promptly leaned closer to her.

“We finished the map,” Peter whispered in her ear. 

Her eyes widened, “Are you serious?”

“No, just me—ow!”

Her foot made contact with Sirius’ shin. 

“We started taking turns cataloging all of the students and faculty,” James looked at her from beside his wincing friend, “but after Christmas…well, y’know what happened.” 

“So we took over his part of it, and finished it last night!” Peter added cheerily. 

“We’re going to show him tonight,” James smiled.

She was out of ideas when it came to bringing Remus back from the dead, so she hoped beyond anything that this would work.

———

“—you chose truth, Marls! You have to tell us!” Mary yelled over the blaring sound of Abba playing in the corner of the Gryffindor girls dormitory. The four of them were spread out across the floor in a circle, snacks and nail polish littered between the cushions and blankets they had dragged off the beds. Lily sat in front of her as she carefully braided the long red locks down her friends back, while Mary and Marlene tossed crisps at each other across the circle.

“Okay, okay, fine!” Marlene huffed loudly, shooting her friend an annoyed glare, “You know that really pretty Slytherin third year…”

“Ooooo, are you talking about Regulus?” Mary purred, eliciting a low groan from across the room. 

Reggie’s face popped into her head, and she scowled aggressively at the thought of any of her friends having a crush on Sirius’ bigoted little brother. 

Marlene rolled her eyes, “No! The uh…their house Chaser…”

Her eyes widened, “Marls, are you talking about Dorcas Meadowes?” 

The blonde girl across from her nodded sheepishly, eyes averting towards the floor. Marlene wasn’t exaggerating, Dorcas was really pretty, on top of being an excellent quidditch player. 

“Have you asked her out?” She grinned devilishly at Marlene, who in turn blushed deeply.

“No…” a devious smile began to creep onto Marlene’s face, “Not yet, anyway.”

Lily squealed excitedly, “Are you going to ask her to the next Hogsmeade weekend?!” 

Marlene nodded, “Yeah, I think I will.”

Mary threw a supportive arm around her friend’s shoulder, “If you need a wingwoman, you know I’m always available.”

The two began to giggle, joined in by the others quickly afterwards. For a moment, she felt light, like nothing was amiss. At that point in time, the war ceased to exist, Remus wasn’t m.i.a., the world was right. It was as short lived as a passing breeze, the reality of everything crashing back down, heavier than ever.

“Did you hear about McGonagall’s brother?” Mary whispered solemnly, beginning to brush bright blue polish onto her outstretched toes.

Lily made a soft noise of refusal, reaching over to steal some crisps from the bag in Marlenes hand.

“…murdered—“

Lily gasped audibly, the other girls gaping at Mary’s admission.

“—the Prophet’s practically confirmed that it was you-know-who’s doing…without actually saying it outright of course,” she rolled her big brown eyes. 

“My dad says the Prophet is rubbish nowadays,” Marlene shook her head, “He says it’s run by a bunch of cowards.”

Her body no longer felt like her own, suspended somewhere between realities, “James’ parents said something similar last year…”

“They work for the ministry, right?” Mary looked up at her, face pale and eyes filled with poorly veiled fear.

She nodded a response, “Yeah, they’ve been updating James as much as they can, but I think it’s worse than they’re letting on.”

“Why do you think that?” Lily’s voice was meek as she pulled her knees toward her chest. 

The inhale she took was shaky, trying to quell the uneasy feeling of dread she had pushed down the past few months, “His parents look…exhausted. When I saw them over the winter holiday, they barely looked like themselves…they were shells.”

No one spoke for a few minutes. Lily stared into space, green eyes miles away from here. The four of them didn’t know what to say, maybe there was nothing that could be said. At the end of the day, they were kids. They weren’t soldiers, they weren’t spies; the biggest problem in their lives should be finding a date to Hogsmeade, not maneuvering through a war.

A knock on the dormitory door broke them out of the fog. 

The four of them looked between each other in silent questioning.

“Who is it?” Mary called skeptically.

“It’s Remus.” 

She stared across the circle at Mary, “I thought boys couldn’t get up here?”

Her friend shrugged, “Yes, but technically you can get around it if you make a verbal invitation.” “We gave Remus a permanent one,” Lily interjected.

She stared at the red head, then back to Mary.

Mary shrugged again, “He’s the only one we trust to not be a major creep, and besides, he’s part of our study group.”

Valid point.

She got up, offering quietly to answer the door, knowing full-well he was probably there for her anyway.

The heavy wooden door creaked slightly as she opened it. Remus’ hazel eyes slid to hers.

God, she had missed him.

“What do you want?” She said cooly, trying to contain the excitement of him actually seeking her out for the first time in weeks.

Remus held up the map, eyes sparkling in the low light of the corridor, “Wanted to show you the final product.”

The corner of her mouth turned upward as she turned around to let the girls know she’d be right back. 

The coolness of the corridor was grounding as she closed the dormitory door and looked up at her best friend.

“Walk with me?” He dared a small smile, one only for her.

“To where?” 

He held up the map again, turning to walk back down the stairs, “Anywhere we want to now.”

———

They meandered through the deserted halls of the castle, Remus holding the map to keep watch for anyone in their path. By the time they climbed the Astronomy Tower, the tension between the two of them had dissipated almost entirely. 

She walked over to the open archway overlooking the grounds and stared off over the lake. The Forbidden Forest chittered and growled in the distance, a few birds scattering over the darkened tree tops. 

Remus came to her side, leaning against the opposite pillar, “Not sure about you, but I’d say the map is a success. For once, those three put their heads toward something more productive—“

“It’s getting worse, isn’t it?” She whispered, never breaking sight away from the lake.

“What is?” Remus’ voice grew concerned.

“The war…all of this…” her voice was strained.

He sighed, not in annoyance or reluctance, but grief.

“Yeah. James has told me some things privately, and it’s…not good. I take it you’ve probably heard about McGonagall’s brother?”

She nodded distantly.

Remus continued, “There’s been more attacks like that. Ones the ministry is keeping quiet about. The Death Eaters are wiping out entire families—“

“—why didn’t you tell me?” 

A tiny kernel of hurt began to burrow into her chest. She told him everything, he was her best friend.

Remus stared down at his shoes nervously, “I didn’t want you to worry, I’m sorry.”

She turned to him, eyes rimmed silver, “I’m scared, Remus.”

He closed the space between them, pulling her into his arms and hugged her against his body.

“I am too. We all are,” he rested his chin on the top of her head, “I can’t reassure that everything will be okay, but I can promise that I will do whatever is in my power to keep you safe.”

“No—“ she shook her head slowly, backing up to stare at the concerned lines of his face, “I don’t need you to protect me, I want to do something to help.”

Remus sighed, “You heard what the Potters’ said, there’s nothing we can do right now, we should just focus on school.”

“If there was a way though, would you do it?”

He narrows his eyes in confusion, “Do what?”

“Help. Get involved. Fight. Do something, I don’t know…” 

He was silent for a moment, eyes cast across the grounds towards the forest in thought. When he finally speaks, it’s quieter, but behind it lies an unusual ferocity she hadn’t heard before.

“Of course I would. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it.”

Embracing him again, she rested her head on his chest, “Promise me that if we ever get the opportunity, you’ll fight with me.”

Remus’ arms tightened around her, “I promise.”

She inhaled him deeply, the warmth of his body seeping into her bones. Nothing was certain anymore, not within the circumstances they were living through, but she was unwaveringly sure that Remus’ promise was anything but empty.

[vitanithepure]

Hi! I noticed you seem to be a fellow BG3 Gale connoisseur? Can you tell me what made you like him? I am starved for some more insights from people!

I'm so sorry if it's a bother, feel free to ignore me if so! >.<

Omg, asks like this are never a bother! You can write me any time with gaming related things, especially BG3 ones as I am - like so many others - so impatiently waiting for its release. It's safe to say it occupies 99% of my consciousness. 8 more days!

And you are not wrong with your assumption. I do like Gale! He's neat. He's great. He quickly became my favorite blorbo. I'll post it under the cut.

This is a point I should probably apologize, because you probably wanted a brief summary and I'll be giving an essay, but... yeah, I have a lot of thoughts about that man.

Like, look - if I were any kind of sexual I would be sapiosexual. At first glance Larian got me "oh boy, a know-it-all wizard, how original...", BUT I feel like they did manage to make Gale intelligent in a believable way. Why?

Gale knows all the trivia. He read an entire library or two worth of knowledge and probably memorized most of it. He knows his way around with words; it makes him charming and endearing. And yet intelligence is not wisdom and experience, so we learn of his past mistake(s) and how quickly he is willing to jump into next ones.

I mean, come on, willing to make a deal with Raphael? And betting on outwitting him? And his new bio description on the official website? (not sure how that will play out yet, I'm reserving judgment until we get to play it). Peak INT 16 and WIS 11 wizard behavior.

I often find people thinking about Gale as a manipulator, playing nice to get things from us and/or get in our pants (yikes to that last one). He would certainly be capable of that, sure - like i said, he's intelligent and charming enough for that. Do I think he would though? Nah.

I think Gale doesn't need to play nice - he just is. Because at the point of his story (which is straight up told in his bio) we meet him he already learned his lesson. Now Gale needs to deal with his past and is not, understandably, so forward with revealing it.

And I get it. I wouldn't want to spill my life's biggest mistakes after a few days' worth of knowing someone, but Gale doesn't have the luxury of time. So he asks us to put a little trust in him and he later reveals what was the point of it all - when you prove you do trust him.

Another thing people put to question is if he actually tells us the truth. I have nothing here, I do believe he is, but in light of (again...) the new bio I believe Gale might have undergone a minor rewrite and I'm no longer sure if the early access dialogues are up to date with it.

If they will not change then, yes, he is straight up omitting the fact he wanted to slurp up Mystra's godhood, and lying about the reason he got stuck with that orb of his in the first place. And I have no idea what to do with this, yet.

Overall I just think it all makes him a very interesting character and I can't wait to have my heart broken by another wizard with a cat. Because as much as I believe all romances will have a happy ending Larian already said it's a dynamic thing and companions do move on the morality scale during the story.

And l'm just so happy to be along for this ride!

Also, on a more superficial note: I have a weakness for pixel men about my age, and Gale looking at us with unabashed mischief like this:

Just works for me.

[slocumjoe]

⚠️Request rules⚠️

1; Be specific and unique

For example, the prompt "Sole dies". All characters would be sad, or angry. But the prompt, "Companions travel through a haunted forest and lose each other" has a lot of ways it can go. Vague prompts can be difficult for me to write, as there's often not much to write. Or if there is, it ends up feeling samey, or too short. There's only so much I can write about Sole dying.

Some prompts are answered in canon, and don't need to be answered. For example, Companions react to Sole speaking like the Silver Shroud. You can easily go on a wiki or find a compilation video on YouTube.

Also, I prefer to write about the companions, not Sole. So, requests about the Sole Survivor are likely to sit in the inbox for a while.

2; Be mindful of dark subject matter

Guys. You know miscarriage is a real thing, right? A horrible, traumatic thing that fucks up entire families? And same with rape, or abuse, or anything like that. Use your best judgement asking about heavier topics. These things aren't scenarios to generate angst. They're traumatic events. That real people go through.

I'll never forget following a react blog who was asked to write about miscarriage, only for them to apologize and refuse, as they had suffered multiple miscarriages themselves.

Rule 3; No fetishes or second-hand embarrassment prompts

So, I said be specific and weird...not with your own fetishs, please.

For non fetish stuff, I really do not care for toilet humor. Or anything meant to evoke second-hand embarrassment. This is another 'use best judgement'. I'm very easily grossed out by body fluids/excrement and there's no prompt that I'm willing to do with it.

Rule 4; I don't do Fallout 3 or New Vegas content

Masterlist

Newest first

Reacts V

Freaky Friday Episode

Sole vanishes, oh nooooo

Beach Episode

Companion at the zoo

The Oberland Alien

Sole gets their name tattooed

Sole finds a baby and wants it

Companions play Minecraft

Gage only; Come to the Galactic Zone if you want an asskicking

Companions and a magpie of a person

Sole with bad motor skills

Companions react to a synth of themselves

Companions as Roommates

Modern!Companions and Halloween

Sole just kisses them already

Sole sick but refusing to rest

Sole who cries when yelled at

Sole gets hurt saving their life

Touchy Sole

Overhearing Sole realize they love them

Sole breaks down crying in their arms

Companions work at a grocery store

Companions react to the Scorched Plague

Companions on Social Media

Headcanon posts V

Religion and stuff

Grab bag 4

Drinking habits

Coming out

Who they'd end up with

Losing their virginity

Modern au

Sexuality and ideal partners

Dreams and nightmares part 1

Companions' tells that they love someone

Companions' fursonas

What they'd eat in general

NSFW grab bag 3

Companions and stress

Companions spend time at a settlement

Gage fluffy-shippy-sad headcanons

Interior design

Companion Headcanon Grab‐bag

Gage Catchup Lightning Round

Favorite songs on the radio

NSFW Gage Headcanons

NSFW; Libido/sex drive

NSFW; Intensity in bed

Variety NSFW headcanons 2

Variety NSFW headcanons

Comfort food

How often they bathe

What they do/wear on days off

Danse headcanons

Laughing headcanons

X6-88 Headcanons

Physique headcanons

2 headcanons per companion

1 headcanon per companion

Meta stuff V

Synths as trans allegory for pride month

Polyamory and infidelity in games

Curie's quest is pretty dumb

A bunch of mini-essays on all the companions

Danse and autism

Oc appearance meme

Isadora ramblings and lore drops

Cait breakdown and critique

Minutemen Questline Rehaul

Florence, Isadora, and Gage

Wasteland creatures i want

Gage Name Meaning

The Gage Essay I wrote while baked on leftover lasagna

Thoughts on Piper, Strong, and Codsworth

Strong Character Bingo/Rant

My thoughts on Porter Gage before playing Nuka World

Peer-Reviewing "The Synthetic Truth"

Piper rant 2

I swear I am normal about Piper

Things I love about the companions

Biggest complaints about each companion's writing

Meme stuff V

How id compliment them

Sole gets a pet-claw

Getting Hulk smashed by a baby (game clip)

...hi (game clip)

Bad timing, dude (game clip)

Who smokes weed

War-shta-sure

Cat X6-88

Four frenchspeakers screamingn in a room

Danse's favorite shirt

Egg

muppets

dickless nickolas

mall cop

Memes 2

Memes 1

What the companions get canceled for

AITA For trying to blow up my crush's blimp?

[kissofthemis]

lifting the shorter one up so they can be seen in photos w/ highschool lukerosa!

This photographer really needed to work on visualization skills.

"I understand the reasoning putting us in alphabetical order," Rosa murmured, "but is it really necessary for a group this small?"

The school's ordinary photographer, who had been serving the school for ages, had finally retired. However, he did so at the worst possible time-- right before the yearbook committee needed to send in all their final photos to have the yearbook bound! The school had been scrambling to find a replacement on short notice, and only by a stroke of luck had they managed to book someone before the deadline. Now, all of the clubs and organizations in school had to get their photos taken in a single day, which had caused utter chaos on campus.

And perhaps because everyone, including the photographer, was struggling with the time crunch, some decisions had been made that were...

Well, in Rosa's blunt opinion, inadequate. Bad, even. (She would never say that aloud, however. She always strove to be polite, and she would choose words such as "curious," "interesting," "not quite optimal," or even "rough around the edges.")

Luke whistled softly as he surveyed the group. "I mean, there are enough of us that we can't all fit in one line, so..."

"That's exactly the problem!"

Rosa had always prided herself on her academic prowess and her intellect. When she was nominated to join the school's academic team, she glowed with joy for a solid week. Even in the modern era, many academics could be snobby about women who aspired to great heights. They would dismiss women as merely being good at maybe one or two subjects, but never worthy of being a scholar.

As if every famed male scientist could write compelling essays, or every prestigious male historian could do mental math.

So Rosa had been the only girl selected for the academic team, as she in fact was well-rounded in all subjects. She studied a wide breadth of topics in order to represent not only her school or herself, but all the girls whose brilliant minds were overlooked solely because stuck-up, conservative old farts couldn't look past their manicures or their makeup.

Her hard work had paid off; she had been the second highest point scorer in competitions for the entire season! Second to none other than Luke Pearce, her dearest companion and constant thorn in her side.

"But my name puts me in the back," Rosa went on, urging Luke (who did not seem worthy of that first place accolade right now) to see the issue. "I'm the only girl, and I am also--"

"Oh, no! Rosa, you're short!"

That was a bit too direct. Rosa clutched her chest and tried to ignore the blow to her self-esteem. "N-not short! Just... shorter than most of the team!"

Luke was not listening to her indignant mumbling. He waved towards the photographer, but unfortunately the photographer and staff were too absorbed in their work. They hardly had time to waste, after all. "Mmm... that's no good."

Rosa sighed and leaned onto Luke's shoulder in defeat. "Maybe I'll raise my hand so some part of me shows. Oh, but I'll probably get yelled at. I would have packed heels if I had expected th--"

All at once, Rosa shot up in height.

She suppressed a startled screech as her feet left the ground and she dangled loosely in midair.

No, not loosely. In fact, she almost felt... secure, as she felt two large, warm, comforting hands gripping onto her waist.

"L-Luke?"

"Problem solved! Ta-dah!"

"P-problem not solved! How long can you hold me?!"

"As long as it takes!"

"This isn't sustainable!"

"Should you get on my shoulders instead?"

"Luke Pearce!!!"

[dude-wheres-my-ankheg]

Happy late Day of Trans Visibility to this idiot.

It sounds really stupid, but BG3 and Elorin have had a huge impact on the way I see myself and my body. It feels wild that when I first started writing him, I was scared to even hint at the fact that he was trans. There were parts of myself that I thought I would never ever be able to accept, that suddenly don't seem too alien. And I didn't think I'd be comfortable talking about the subject so freely with people.

I could write an entire essay on the profound impact this game and character have had on me, but instead I will just say it's awesome being able to see myself and people like me represented in games. It matters and it makes a difference.

(Now if only they hadn't fucked over their only black companion... 😑)

[sylvan-librarian]

Nissa’s Pilgrimage Part 2: Duels of the Dual Origins

Time for another deranged essay about Nissa. Last time, I wrote about my own attachment to the character (which hopefully explains why the hell I’d go to the trouble of writing an entire essay series about her), but this piece discusses a more practical matter: why was Nissa written into the world of Magic The Gathering in the first place, and what role does she play within the game’s larger narrative? That matter is a little complicated because it involves extensive rewrites and retcons on the part of the story team at Wizards of the Coast.

Nissa Revane was introduced as a character in a video game first: Duels of the Planeswalkers, which was released on the Xbox 360 (an ancient relic of a bygone era) in June of 2009, a few months before Nissa’s initial appearance as card in the first Zendikar set, which hit shelves in October 2009. According to the Voice for Vorthos panel at Pax Prime 2015, the designers of Duels of the Planeswalkers needed a face character for their black/green elf deck, centered around the way elves were presented in Lorwyn (read: racists). Since no existing planeswalker fit the mold, the design team, according to Jeremy Jarvis, created this “kind of a villainous, you know, hardcore, staunch xenophobic person that would run this elf deck. That was the need for her; that’s how she was created. She was visually meant to be slightly off-putting; it’s why she doesn’t have eyebrows and her eyes are just these solid green orbs.” This was Nissa’s introduction, and it was how she was presented in Magic’s overarching lore from her introduction in 2009 all the way to Magic Origins in 2015. After some cursory digging through the Internet Archive’s Wayback Machine, I found Nissa’s original blurb on Magic’s website, circa 2011:

Her planar travels have taken her to other places where elves thrive or even rule, such as the sunny world of Lorwyn. There she met elves who fully embraced their role as the pinnacle of nature, using both life magic and its shadow to assert their primacy.

Yikes.

Further insights into Nissa’s original personality can be found in the 2010 novel Zendikar: In the Teeth of Akoum, which recounts Nissa’s journey to Eye of Ugin with Sorin Markov and the vampire Anowon and Nissa’s subsequent release of the Eldrazi Titans. In this particular scene, for example, Nissa explains to her vampire companions that all “‘elves receive power from the land. We do not need to cut and hack and burn as humans do.’ She looked from Sorin to Anowon. ‘You are all, human and vampire, suckers of life. You are the same in our eyes.’” Later on, we get Nissa’s thoughts on goblins. Despite her previous protestations, she starts to warm up to her vampire ally Anowon, who thus far has been nabbing goblins every few days in order to feed on them; Nissa rationalizes his actions this way: “He was a vampire after all—a merciless vampire. He could not be trusted. On the other hand, he had conducted himself fairly, and who could blame him for feeding on the goblins, who were, after all, barely lifeforms. They were not children of the forest, but rather opportunists of the stone and dell.”

…barely lifeforms.

Yikes again.

Needless to say, there was little to like about Nissa’s original presentation in Magic fiction. Aside from how poorly written she is in Zendikar: In the Teeth of Akoum (on top of being xenophobic, she is also presented as belligerently naive and an incompetent leader), there is simply nothing fascinating about a stupid racist. Many other villains in Magic’s lore are beloved and have countless fans of their own: Bolas, the Phyrexian Praetors, and even Nissa’s mortal enemies, the Eldrazi Titans themselves, are fun to like, depending on personal preference. Their villainy is so overblown and impossible that it’s easy to suspend our disbelief and just enjoy the fictional mayhem for what it is. However, in our current cultural climate where stupid racists have spent the last decade driving the world closer and closer to hell, the original Nissa’s brand of villainy just isn’t very fun to engage with

However, Nissa’s presentation in Magic’s lore did a complete 180 between 2014 and 2015, retconning nearly all of her villainy and transforming her blatant, remorseless xenophobia into a simple distrust of outsiders and a desperation to protect her home. Her motivations of seeing “elves at the pinnacle of nature” was completely erased from her background entirely, replacing it with a respect for all life, and her magic, which was previously tied to summoning and buffing elves and elves only, became inexorably tied to the land and its leylines.

Readers wouldn't receive the full retcon of Nissa’s backstory until “Nissa’s Origin: Home” was released in the summer of 2015, but we did get a glimpse of who Nissa would eventually become in the 2014 story “Nissa, Worldwaker,” a piece of webfiction revealed in tandem with her card of the same name during the preview season for the 2015 Core Set. It’s interesting to note that at this time in Nissa’s development, the story team appears to keep Nissa’s old self largely intact; instead of simply erasing the rough edges of her backstory like the Magic Origins retcon would, it seemed at the time like “Nissa, Worldwaker” was supposed to be the beginning of Nissa’s redemption arc. For example, look at the opening blurb at the very beginning of the story:

The elf Planeswalker Nissa Revane has led a difficult life. She's been exiled from her tribe, the Joraga, on more than one occasion, and becoming a Planeswalker set her even further apart. She traveled to different worlds, seeking to understand the nature of elves' responsibility toward nature, but she always returned to her home plane of Zendikar. Whatever peace she managed to find for herself came to an end with the rising of the monstrous Eldrazi. These vast, interplanar beings, devourers of entire worlds, had been imprisoned on Zendikar millennia before. Desperate to save her world, Nissa broke the lock that kept the Eldrazi on Zendikar. Her hope was that the Eldrazi, freed of their confines, would travel out into the Multiverse. Their threat would spread, but Zendikar would be saved. It didn't work. At least one of the three Eldrazi titans remains on Zendikar, threatening all life on the plane with annihilation. Nissa stayed to fight the Eldrazi, but she fears it's hopeless. To defeat the monstrosities that assault the plane, all of Zendikar would have to fight as one…

Notice that while the story is clearly setting Nissa on a new path, it doesn’t deny what her character was previously, nor does it deny that the events that took place in Zendikar: In the Teeth of Akoum did in fact happen the way they were originally reported. In “Nissa, Worldwaker,” we are presented with a Nissa a few years after she naively set the Eldrazi free, broken by her endless fight with Ulamog’s brood and wracked with tremendous guilt from the actions she took at the Eye of Ugin. 

The story opens with Nissa getting rescued by a human man named Hamadi after Ulamog completely annihilates Nissa’s Joraga clan down to, apparently, Nissa herself. Her first reaction upon waking up in her savior’s tent shows that much of her old xenophobia still remains: “‘Where am I?’ Nissa said. Mistrust everyone. Even though the human saved her, the old Joraga instincts remained. She felt vulnerable, naked under the furs, and she knew her full power was a long way from returning.” Nissa and Hamadi later talk about this with each other: how nearly all the civilizations of Zendikar were isolated and separated from each other, and it took the rise of the Eldrazi to bring them together. 

Then, Nissa listens as Hamadi begins to tell her about the destruction of his home and his people, and it’s here we begin to see Nissa’s transformation; as she listens to Hamadi’s stories, 

a growing ache welled up within her body and lodged itself in her throat. She was responsible for all of it, all his loss and all of Zendikar's devastation. Hamadi had pulled her, a Joraga elf, from certain death. He had risked his life and had saved hers. And she was the cause. Dark memories started to crawl into Nissa's mind from all the worst places. All her failures, her foolish choices, her selfishness and arrogance, poured into her gut like a lead weight. She became tangled in the web of her past that was filled with the bodies of a thousand innocents who had fallen to the Eldrazi. She could have saved them all.

This is the most important section of “Nissa, Worldwaker” for the character’s burgeoning growth, but this story also shows readers something else: the transformation of Nissa’s magic. Nissa’s first card, Nissa Revane was a planeswalker that cared only for elves, and all of her story appearances have shown this narratively. However, with Nissa, Worldwaker, we are given a card with a completely altered skill set. In this card, Nissa animates lands into creatures that fight for the player and untaps lands to symbolize how her deep connection to the land can generate a near endless amount of mana. While I assume the primary reason for this shift in Nissa’s skillset was due to the team’s desire to explore a new design space, the story, “Nissa, Worldwaker” also tries to explain this shift narratively; by rejecting her former tribalism and xenophobia and embracing all life on Zendikar, Nissa unlocks the might and the loyalty of the land itself. This is driven home by Hamadi revealing that the nickname he has been calling Nissa throughout the story, “Shaya,” means Worldwaker.

While this created an interesting setup for future Nissa stories, Magic’s story team clearly decided that Nissa’s previous way of life (read: racism) made her unsuitable to be a hero of Magic the Gathering, so they instead opted to retcon her entire backstory as a part of making her one the iconic five planeswalkers for their Magic Origins initiative. At the time, Wizards of the Coast announced that they would be getting rid of the yearly standard set release model they had been using - two three-set blocks and a core set per year - opting instead for three two set blocks per year and no core set at all. Forecasting deeper, more focused storytelling, Magic Origins was marketed as being the “final'' core set while also introducing revised backstories of five planeswalkers who would be the focus of Magic storytelling for the foreseeable future: Gideon Jura, Jace Beleren, Liliana Vess, Chandra Nalaar, and Nissa Revane. 

While a handful of the other stories in the Magic Origins arc simply revised certain elements to make these characters more palatable to readers - Chandra’s for example - Nissa’s revised backstory, “Nissa’s Origin: Home,” reworked the character from the ground up, completely erasing from the narrative much of her characterization in Zendikar: In the Teeth of Akoum and elsewhere, and even bringing into question the canonicity of the redemption arc forecasted the previous year in “Nissa, Worldwaker.” 

In the original canon, Nissa embraced the xenophobia and tribalism of the austere Joraga tribe, and she was only truly ostracized when she became a planeswalker. In the new canon, Nissa spent her childhood being ostracized by the Joraga because she and her mother were the last of the animists. 

Nissa constantly has nightmares, and the Joraga clan believes that these nightmares are a curse the world of Zendikar has placed on the animists because of some unknown crime. Numa, the chief of the Joraga, tells Nissa’s mother one night after Nissa wakes up screaming and startles the village: “‘Your people angered Zendikar and they paid the price. There is a reason that you are the last of the animists.’” Nissa overhears this, and being young at the time and not knowing any better, she runs away to avoid causing any more trouble for her family.

This sets Nissa on her hero’s journey, where she comes to embrace her burgeoning animist powers, learns that her dreams are not a curse from Zendikar but instead a plea for help, and experiences her first major failure (of many). She journeys to the Akoum mountain range for the first time and finds the mountain where the Eldrazi Titans are imprisoned. Not understanding enough about the threat she is facing, she attempts to reach her consciousness through the mountain and is met with the oppressive, impenetrable, alien mind of Emrakul, the greatest of the Eldrazi Titans. The trauma of realizing she is no match at all for this creature causes her planeswalker spark to ignite and she ends up on Lorwyn.

Here again is where Nissa’s story diverges dramatically from her original background. Originally, Nissa was fascinated by Lorwyn’s fascist elves; as mentioned earlier, we are told that there “she met elves who fully embraced their role as the pinnacle of nature, using both life magic and its shadow to assert their primacy.” In the revised origin from “Home,” Nissa does, in fact, meet Lorwyn’s elves, but she is absolutely horrified by their way of life. After she finds Dwynen’s tribe slaughtering innocent, helpless boggarts simply because they are ugly, she exclaims, “‘There is so much evil … So much darkness already. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it all. It’s horrible. It’s awful.’ Tears welled in her eyes as she thought of her precious Zendikar. ‘Yet you insist on adding more.’” Obviously, this does not go over well with a bunch of elf supremacists, and she is forced to planeswalk back to Zendikar before she gets executed.

And here is where Nissa’s two origins largely converge. Strangely enough, despite Nissa’s characterization as belligerently naive, incompetent, and wildly prejudiced during the events of Zendikar: In the Teeth of Akoum, nothing in this novel has been officially retconned as of yet. In fact, other than a few flashbacks to show personal growth, Nissa’s life during this time wasn’t addressed in a meaningful way until late 2022 in Magic The Gathering: The Visual Guide. In the small blurb we get about Nissa, we are told:

Joined by the vampire planeswalker Sorin Markov, Nissa journeyed to the Eye of Ugin, the magical control center of the Hedron Network. Nissa’s distrust of vampires ran deep, and she betrayed Sorin by destroying the central hedron—rather than helping him repair it—in the hope that Sorin was lying and the Eldrazi would leave once they were freed. The truth was far worse.

In essence, we are told that the basic events of Zendikar: In the Teeth of Akoum did in fact happen largely the way we were told they did. Without being instructed otherwise, we can really only assume that the Nissa in the modern canon was probably less incompetent, hateful, and racially prejudiced than what the novel told us. 

But why was Nissa changed so drastically, and what does this mean for us readers and players? The answer to the first question can be found in the Voice for Vorthos panel at PAX Prime 2015. Kimberly Kreines, one of the Magic Story Team’s lead writers at the time, explained:

We want her values to reflect the way we as a company are evolving as well and we want to set ourselves up for the best success with this character moving forward, and so the parts of her personality we chose to preserve, we carefully thought about that, and where we see her evolution going next is, you know, we’re happy with where we are with her right now, and excited, really excited, for the potential of all of these characters.

In other words, Nissa’s shift from a racial supremacist to a shy cinnamon roll was part of a larger shift in the evolution of the Magic Story Team’s values. It’s important to note that Nissa was not the only character whose sharp edges got polished down during the Magic Origins stories. Chandra, for example, had been presented previously as selfish to a fault, not really caring who gets hurt by collateral damage. Jace gets transformed from a mind mage who is more than happy to destroy the minds of basically anyone who gets in his way to someone who only destroys the minds of those who he believes deserves it.

Seen in this context, one can see that the changing culture at Wizards of the Coast pushed their creative minds to ensure that the main characters of their world were more heroic (or at least less terrible) than they had been previously. You can definitely view this through a cynical lens and argue that the protagonists of Magic stories from 2015 and beyond have suffered extreme ‘Disneyfication,’ in that they are now more palatable to a wider audience than the morally gray (at best) way they were presented previously. And the relative backlash at the time reveals that is certainly what many Vorthoses believed. For example, a 2017 article from Hipsters of the Coast argued that Nissa’s change may have been worth it in the end, but that many Vorthoses also had “their confidence shaken” by these abrupt changes to existing lore.

Fast-forward to 2023, however: Magic’s player base is larger than ever, and many of these new players came into the game in a post-Magic Origins world. Nissa’s original story has almost been forgotten. These days, Nissa is mostly known for her relationship with Chandra (more on that later), how she and Chandra’s relationship has been mishandled and botched throughout the years and then, finally, given the respect and honor it deserves (definitely more on that later), and for being a green menace during the both War of the Spark standard season and in the early days of the Pioneer format.

To conclude on a more personal note, I came into Magic the Gathering in 2014, and I fell in love with Nissa’s cards and Nissa’s character during the Magic Origins and Battle for Zendikar stories, so the dramatic shift in Nissa’s character portrayal did not bother me then and still does not today. While an argument can certainly be leveraged against Wizards of the Coast for, at times, sacrificing story quality in an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, I can’t say I see that in the Magic Origins changes to the game’s main cast of characters. From my point of view, Nissa as a complex character - a genuinely good person who has made terrible mistakes then learned from them - is much more interesting and relatable than a Nissa who is a genuinely terrible person (racist) that gets a chance at redemption (realizing that non-elves are people).

If you stuck through this meandering, long-winded nonsense, thanks! I hope you learned something or at the very least found something to enjoy about it. Next time, I will be talking about Nissa during the early days of the Gatewatch story arc, so I hope you are prepared for a lot of…

See you next time!

References

Annelli, J. (2022). Magic The Gathering The Visual Guide. DK Publishing

Byrne, L. (2017), Retcons of Revane, Part II 

Lee, A. (2014) Nissa, Worldwaker

Magic Story Team (2015). Nissa’s Origin: Home  

Magic Story Team (2015). Voice for Vorthos Panel at PAX Prime 2015

Wintermute, R. B. (2010). Zendikar: In the Teeth of Akoum. Wizards of the Coast

[sharpfamily]

The Essay Escapade

There are no lengths at which a good brother won’t go in order to help his sister in need.

*** Just popping in to let you all know that I have a brief description of each of the Sharp children at the very end of this, just in case you want to know a little bit about them. Also at this point in time, Aesop is retired from teaching and runs a successful potions shop with his wife in the hamlet where they both live. ***

Massive, massive MASSIVE shout out to @aesopsharpmybeloved for letting me play in your sandbox and making me believe I could write something that people would actually enjoy reading. This is a companion piece to her series A New Chance at Life and if you haven’t read it what are you even doing here!

- Tea-withjamandbread

It was late, far too late to still be awake, however Theodore Sharp was unable to fall asleep. It made sense, really. As the middle of the semester approached, so did exams and essay deadlines. The fifth year Slytherin had a lot on his mind.

Call it intuition, call it a special “twin bond” like their mother often described it, but something told Theodore he didn’t really need sleep at the moment, not while Natty needed him. So he grabbed his wand and got dressed as quietly as he could before leaving his dorm room headed towards the common room. He wasn’t at all surprised to find his twin sister sitting at the table closest to the fireplace, it was her favorite spot after all. He was surprised, however, to find her surrounded by books, furiously writing on what seemed to be quite the long piece of parchment, tears forming in her eyes.

“Hey there Nat”

The girl barely slowed down her writing. “Theo. It’s late. You should be asleep.”

"Could say the same about you" Theodore placed a hand on his sister's, forcing her to stop what she was doing for a moment. “What’s that you’re working on?” The boy was genuinely confused. Judging by the furious pace at which his sister was writing, he could only deduce she was in the middle of writing an entire essay. While it wasn’t unusual for him to wait until the very last minute to finish his work, Natty was always far more organized than this and seemed to always have her work finished days before it was due for being turned in.

“My DADA essay.” Theo was no Auror (yet) but he distinctly remembered his sister mentioning she had finished writing it last week. “Why are you re-writing your DADA essay? I’m sure the one you already wrote was good enough to”

“I lost it!”

“What?”

“I’m such an idiot Theo!”

“Stop that. I’m supposed to be the dramatic one between the two of us, not you. How did you lose it?”

“I was looking through everything for tomorrow’s classes and I couldn’t find it anywhere. What I DID find though is this.” She pulls out a letter addressed to her parents, back home. “I must have accidentally sent Mum and Dad my essay instead of…” She burst into tears. “So I have to re-write the whole thing now because there’s no way for me to get it back in time to turn it in first thing tomorrow!”

"Maybe if you write to them, they could send it here in time for first class?"

"Even if I DID write to them right now they wouldn't have time to send it… It's due first thing tomorrow morning and you know Mum and Dad, they're not exactly… morning people"

An idea formed in Theodore's brain. It was madness to be certain, he'd be breaking about half a dozen school rules, not to mention it could prove dangerous. "I'll go fetch it then"

Natty looked at her twin like he had grown a second head.

"You're mad"

"I'm assure you I’m not"

"You're going to fly miles away from school and then what? Break into the parents' house?"

"Not exactly. I’m going to use the floo and run the rest of the way! It’ll be good exercise! Plus does it really count as breaking in if you have the key?"

"You're going to get caught"

"Dad's a heavy sleeper"

"Dad used to be an Auror!"

"Yeah I think I've heard him mention that once or twice"

"So you KNOW he'll wake up to the sound of someone in the house when he's not expecting company. Besides, Mum's a light sleeper!"

"And she'll be SO happy to see me IF I get caught, which I don't intend on having happen!”

Natalie looked at the essay she was currently attempting to re-write. It was a mess. Barely legible and when she tried to make sense of the paragraph she had just finished, she knew she couldn't turn this in tomorrow and hope for a good grade. Professor Sallow did have a soft spot for her and her siblings, but that would only help her so much.

"Do it."

"Brilliant! I'll be back in less than an hour!"

Theodore quickly hugged his sister then started walking towards the common room door.

"Wait!" Natalie rushed towards him. "Bring this to them please" She handed her brother the letter she had meant to send her parents earlier that same day.

"Sure thing!"

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, sis!"

With one last hug to his slightly less nervous sister, Theodore was on his way.

—-—————

Theodore slowed down his sprint as he approached his childhood home. The sight before him was everything he was hoping for. The chimney had the faintest trace of smoke, indicating that the fires warming the home were mere embers at the moment, and all the windows appeared dark, indicating the occupants of the house were fast asleep. He took a quick peek to the back of the house, where the window leading to his father’s cellar was located. He knew sometimes his father brewed late into the night, however tonight did not appear to be one of those nights.

It occurred to him at that moment that it really wouldn’t be the end of the world if his parents knew he’d visited. He could probably knock on the door and politely ask if he could have Natty’s essay, deliver his letter, get mildly scolded for being away from school after curfew, perhaps he’d be lucky enough to get his hand on some of his mother’s baked goods before going on his merry way. However, if he was being honest with himself, he wanted to know if he could be successful at avoiding detection. Plus, he had promised his sister he wouldn’t get caught and Theodore Ashley Sharp was a man of his word, or at least, he tried his very best to be.

Theodore knows he needs to be as quiet as can be. He didn't want to get caught after all. He cast a disillusionment charm over himself for good measure, although he really didn't think it was needed. This was his childhood home and he knew it like the back of his hand. He knew exactly which floorboards creaked when stepped on and created a mental map of his shortest path from the front door to the drawer where he knew his parents kept their correspondence.

He quietly unlocked the door and stepped inside. The faintest ruffling of feathers to his left caught his attention. Diana. The owl had been a part of their family since before they were even a family from the stories he had been told as a child, and had been retired from messenger duty some number of years ago. Theodore had anticipated the necessity of keeping her quiet and quietly but decisively, reached into his left pocket and grabbed a handful of treats. He extended his arm towards her, hoping his bribe would buy him precious minutes as he continued on with his mission.

He must admit he felt a little ridiculous, hopping from plank to plank, avoiding the ones he knew to be noisy. He wouldn't at all be surprised to learn that these particular planks were left in their squeaky state in order to make it impossible for his siblings and himself to move about the house at night without alerting their parents.

Theodore made his way from the foyer, past the staircase, through the family room, and into the kitchen, moving to stand in front of the exact drawer he knew his parents kept their mail, successfully avoiding each and every problem plank. "The student surpasses the potions master" he thought to himself. He opened the drawer and pulled out a stack of papers, looking for his sister's essay. However, no matter how hard he looked, all he was met with was correspondence regarding his parents' potions shop. Orders, ingredient lists, accounting papers, more orders, more accounting… no essay. He put the papers back in the drawer and gently closed it. He took a few seconds to breathe, feeling his face redden and his pulse quicken. Natty was counting on him. He had promised her he'd get that essay back for her. He wasn't always the perfect brother, but he prided himself on never going back on his word, on never making a promise he didn't intend to keep. He racked his brain as to where his parents would have put the essay when his thoughts were suddenly interrupted.

"Lumos"

A bright light came from behind Theodore and the boy froze, hoping his disillusionment charm was strong enough to withstand the scrutiny of the ex-Auror who had just cast the wand-lighting charm. He had no idea his father had woken, didn’t hear him coming down the stairs at all. He supposed he still had much to learn in terms of how to move about completely undetected. He hadn’t been caught yet, though, and he had some elements working in his favor. Perhaps his father was too sleepy to notice him, although he doubted that. He knew the man probably wasn't wearing his glasses and so maybe, just maybe he still stood a chance in completing his mission undetected.

However the bright light coming from his father's wand had caused the faintest shadow of his form to appear on the wall in front of him. Despite his very best efforts, the boy had been caught.

"Your disillusionment charm has improved, Theodore, but it's still not good enough to fool me."

Theodore promptly dropped the charm and turned to face his father, who lowered his wand and used it to reignite the fire in the hearth to provide a warm light and additional warmth to the room. He wore his dressing gown and Theodore could only imagine he was wearing his nightshirt underneath. His face showed a mixture of tiredness, confusion, slight annoyance and he thought he also detected a hint of amusement.

“How did you know it was me?”

“Maggie’s in America, Eleazar’s never been one for sneaking around and Natty’s disillusionment charm is frankly better than yours. The house is warded to alert us of any other intruders, so that leaves only one suspect, you."

“What gave me away?"

His father deflected

"I'm sure there must be an excellent explanation to your late night, actually, by now, early morning visit. One that also explains why you're currently rifling through your mother's and my private correspondence."

"Actually there IS an explanation"

"I'd love to hear it, sooner rather than later, please."

"I'm here because Nat"

"THEODORE!"

Theo promptly finds himself wrapped in his mother's tight embrace. "What are you doing here? Sneaking out of school in the dead of night, what's gotten into you?"

"From what I gather from the stories you told us Mum, I get this from you"

She loosened her embrace but still kept her hands on her son's shoulders. "Oh hush now, at least I had the good sense to never get caught by your father!"

"That's not entirely accurate darling…" Aesop reached for his wife and pulled her against him, breaking the link between her and their intruder and wrapping his arms around her waist, kissing the back of her head. "I distinctly remember catching you a handful of times sneaking about the castle" She melted into her husband's embrace. "Only because I wanted you to catch me, Ace"

"If you both don't mind I'm here for Natty's DADA essay. She accidentally sent it to you instead of this and it's due first thing tomorrow" Theodore handed his parents his sister’s letter to them. “I told her I'd come and correct her mistake, deliver her letter and retrieve it. If you could just tell me where it is, I will go fetch it, be on my merry way and let you both carry on with whatever it is I don’t want to think about you doing when we’re not home.”

Aesop chuckled as (F/N) spoke.

“I’m guessing she didn’t get our note then?”

“She didn’t say anything about a note, she was too busy trying to re-write her essay from memory!”

“Oh Nat, poor thing…”

(F/N) looked at her son

“We got her essay, and we read it. It was really, really good and obviously finished so we sent it directly to Professor Sallow after dinner, along with a note to Natty letting her know not to worry about it. I’m guessing the poor owl must have forgotten about the second delivery.”

“Or delivered it to Eleazar, wouldn’t be the first time our mail got all messed up”

“Blasted, unreliable school owls.”

“We really need to get another owl Ace, with Maggie in America now and the shop doing as well as it is, Babbity could use some help.”

“Agreed.” Aesop addressed his son

“In any case, her essay is where it needs to be and if Professor Sallow hasn’t received it, have him owl me, and I’ll make sure Nat gets the O she deserves.”

Theodore looked at his parents. Tonight had turned out to be a failed mission for him. He got caught AND he didn’t retrieve his sister’s essay. He was happy though. Happy to be home, happy to be with his parents for just a little while.

"Are you hungry, dear?"

"Nah, I'm good. Ate one too many servings of mutton stew for dinner"

His eyes fell on a plate of his mother's scones.

“On second thought I'm starving Mum, they BARELY feed us at the school, you know"

(F/N) chuckled as she summoned a plate and some scones. Theodore scarfed down the first in two bites, and reached for a second one, as his mother busied herself, packing the rest of the pastries in a cloth bag for her son to bring back to Hogwarts.

“Don’t forget to share." she reminds him, as she hands him the bag.

“I should probably get going… I told Natty I’d be back within the hour and I’m cutting it close”

"Just a moment, I have something for you to bring to your sister."

His father turned and unlocked a cabinet that held a variety of potions

"Ooh, contraband!"

Aesop let out a chuckle as he handed a vial to his son.

"Wideye. She'll need it tomorrow. If I know Natty, she still won't sleep a wink tonight"

"Don't I get one too?"

"Do you want to be an Auror someday?"

"You know I do"

"Then in addition to perfecting your disillusionment charm you also need to master the art of the power nap. Learn how to function for long hours with little to no sleep."

"You're joking"

"I'm not. But there will be plenty of time for that. In the meantime here's one for you too, as well this."

His father hands him a third vial. Theodore doesn't need to read the label to know what it contains. Invisibility potion.

"This one's pretty strong, should buy you about a minute. Use it wisely."

“Anything for Eleazar while we’re at it?”

“I’m sure Eleazar already brews his own contraband.”

Theodore chuckled. Eleazar did have a natural knack for potions and always had a true passion for the subject, the art came as naturally to him as walking it seemed at times. Even Aesop couldn’t say as much about himself, having gone from quite the average student to graduating with the best potions marks in his class thanks to hard work and a drive to reach the top of his field.

“Anything else before the Sharp Delivery Service heads back to his common room?”

“No, that’ll be all” his mother says, as she pulls him into another bone crushing hug. “You’re a great son, and an amazing brother. We’re so proud of you. I love you, Theodore.”

“I love you too, Mum”

He looked up at his father, while still tightly hugging his mother.

"You never told me what gave me away. I know my disillusionment isn't quite up to snuff yet but that's not what woke you up though"

"The front door. It has a very distinct squeak when it opens. Imperceptible from the outside but can be heard from our bedroom. I could fix it, but I choose not to. That's what gave you away tonight. I must say though, I was impressed at how you managed to avoid all the bad floorboards. Well done."

"Thanks Dad. I love you."

"I love you too, son."

Aesop joined in the hug for a moment, then gently took his wife’s hands into his own, releasing their son from her tight embrace.

“Be safe on your way back”

Both parents stayed in the doorway, arms around each other, watching as their youngest son sprinted towards the closest floo flame.

————————

Theodore didn’t waste his invisibility potion sneaking back into the castle. He was smarter than that. He knew the prefects and professors were fast asleep at that time, and his disillusionment charm, while still needing some work, was still good enough to shield him from the portraits and the ghosts roaming the castle. He didn’t hear Peeves in the vicinity, so the walk back to the Slytherin common room was easy and uneventful.

He was greeted by the sight of his sister, who had abandoned her attempted re-write, and appeared immersed in the book she was reading. A quick glance at the cover revealed that she was reading one of her favorite novels. To think that his sister would trust him so completely as to abandon her contingency plan in favor of re-visiting one of her favorite stories made his heart swell. This evening hadn’t gone according to plan, but he hoped that he’d at least be able to calm down her anxieties and maybe, just maybe, she would get a couple hours of sleep tonight.

Natty looked up from her book and took in the sight of her brother, scones and potions in hand.

"Theo? Are you OK?"

"Brilliant, actually" he says as he took a bite out of a scone

"Did someone cast the confundus charm on you?"

"I don't... think so. Why do you ask?" he took another bite

"I see scones, I see potions, do you know what I DON'T see?"

"Oh, yeah... that"

Natty put her head in her hands

"Theodore!"

He put his hand on her shoulder

"Relax Nat. They already turned it in for you."

Natty looked up at her brother, who had the biggest smile on his face.

"They... what?"

"They noticed you had sent them your essay by accident, proof-read it and owl'd it directly to Professor Sallow. Probably sounded something like this

Theodore stepped back and put on his best impression of their mother.

"Oh Ace! Our darling daughter must have sent us her essay by accident! Poor thing must be so nervous right now but I really don't understand why, this essay is incredible! I couldn't have written it better myself!"

Then Dad probably went "I can tell no shortcuts were taken when writing this paper, well done Natty, this deserves an O and nothing less!"

"I shall send it to my good friend Sebastian at Hogwarts right away! However I absolutely won't also ask about how the children are doing because that would be inappropriate"

"Wonderful idea darling. Once you're done I know something inappropriate you and I could"

"STOP IT THEO! Please. Before I need to cast scourgify on my brain!"

Theodore put an end to his re-enactment, looked at his sister, and handed her a pastry. "Scone?"

Natty took the pastry from her brother wordlessly. He could be quite ridiculous at times, but always knew just how to cheer her up. She couldn't have conjured a better twin if she tried. As Theodore sat on the sofa next to her, she was able to sense that, beneath his playful charade, something was bothering him.

"How long did it take for Dad to catch you?"

Theodore sighed.

"He was onto me the moment I opened the front door. Let me get all the way to the kitchen though, before revealing himself, I think he took pity on me."

"Wow, that's actually pretty impressive"

"Yeah… it is. I don’t know how he does it to be honest."

“He’s been doing it for years Theo, for longer than we’ve been alive. It used to be his job, and it’ll be your job one day, too. I know you’ll be a great Auror one day. So you got caught by Dad. At least you got to say hi to him and Mum, that must have been nice.”

Theodore placed his arm around his sister, pulling her towards him.

“It was. Wish you could have been there, I know you miss them, too.”

“Winter holidays will be here before we know it.” Natty’s voice started to betray the fact that she was fighting sleep. “Hey, you were able to sneak in and out of school undetected, that counts for something doesn't it?"

"I guess it does. I'll outsmart Dad next time." Theodore says, wistfully.

Natty yawned as she curled onto the sofa, resting her head on her brother’s lap. "Good luck with that."

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Theodore didn’t get an answer to his question, Natty had fallen fast asleep. He summoned a blanket from the chair across them and draped it around his sleeping sister. He was glad to have been able to be there for her, to be a good brother to her in her moment of need, to calm her anxieties to the point that her mind was able to so quickly surrender to sleep. Happy with himself, he propped his feet up on the coffee table in front of him, leaned his head back against the plush upholstery, and fell asleep as well.

—————————

A/N a brief description of the Sharp children at the time of this fanfiction

Magdala Dinah "Maggie" Sharp

Slytherin

Recently graduated, named after her grandmother and her father's closest friend. Fiercely intelligent, confident, but also quite humble. Te ringleader of the 4 Sharp children. Has had a lifelong passion for beasts, moved to America to study beasts native to the continent

Eleazar Sebastian Sharp

Ravenclaw

7th year, head boy, named after his mother's mentor as well as one of her closest friends. Quiet and a little shy, very kind and compassionate Demonstrated a knack for potion making practically before he showed signs of magic, and the only Sharp child to have yet to receive detention.

Theodore Ashley Sharp

Slytherin

5th year, named after his grandfather as well as his father's late partner. Has wanted to be an Auror for as long as he can remember, will do anything for his family and particularly his twin sister. He knows he's got charm and charisma and he's not afraid to use them to get out of trouble. Still didn't save him from landing himself in detention on his first week of school!

(F/N) Natalie "Natty" Sharp

Slytherin

5th year, named after her mother as well as one of her mother's closest friend. Prefers to go by her middle name because being named after the "Hero of Hogwarts" combined with her own exceptionally strong magic made it difficult for her to carve her own identity. A master negotiator with a quick wit, she can spot a lie from a mile away., Can usually keep her brother in check, and is organized enough for the two of them.

[the-fallen-blue]

I know I just finished saying I like this fandom, but. We definitely still have our full quota of subtle fandom misogyny.

For example, the internet's two ~favorite~ characters are Astarion and Karlach, supposedly. But start a conversation about Astarion, and get six thousand pages of gushing essays about his trauma and his perspective and the subtle contradictions in his behavior and a universal acknowledgement that the way he sees the world is warped by his experiences and his perspective and what that means for him and endless pondering about what sex means for him and what violence means for him and when his decisions are right and when they're irrational and how he'd react to things and what he really means when he says or does this and and and and and....

Start a conversation about Karlach, who has every single bit of that complexity, and the best you'll get is "Muscle Mommy Hot 🥵💦" and the worst you'll get is "I've somehow taken every single word Karlach says in this game completely at face value and yet I confidently believe that you're the one who is wrong about her for thinking she has a shred of development or depth."

The default majority take on Karlach, in this game where she is the only ace-friendly romance option, is that she's the horniest character on the team. The default majority take on Karlach, in this game that is about trauma, and helping your companions not do stupid things because of the warped perspectives left by their trauma, is that when she says she'd rather die than go back to Avernus that's a simple, rational, informed, healthy judgement that should not be questioned. The default majority take on Karlach, in this game about murderers saving the world, is that she's a cinnamon roll who's never done anything wrong. The default majority take is that Karlach's entire character begins and ends with the things that she says to your face.

And then that same majority will turn around and write fifteen hundred words about how Astarion's fear is driving his desperation about Ascension at the drop of a hat, and not even notice the discrepancy.

And you know what? I do genuinely believe that people like Karlach. We've come a long way from the days of ATG fantasy where every single female character was a bitch or a harpy or a Mary Sue or a boring doormat getting in the way of the sexy white boys we were actually here for. We can be enthusiastic about them and say nice things and genuinely enjoy having them around. We can actually like them! It's just that "liking" a female character and "liking" a male character are still. Apparently. Very different things.

[imjustavenuxwithaboomerang]

el tejano - habbey oneshot

(this is inspired the song el tejano by lauv and sofia reyes (which i recommend). you don't really need to know the song/lyrics to read it, but it would probably give context for certain details.)

The grating sound of a creaky window being opened filled the dorm room, replacing the sound of Deuce aggressively typing up an essay that was due later that week. He didn’t look up, as he knew it was his closest companion, sneaking through the window. Was there even a curfew on weekends? No, but what Heath didn’t know wouldn’t hurt. 

Heath climbed into the room and threw himself down on his roommate’s bed, sighing dramatically. Deuce kept his eyes on his laptop and paid him no mind. Heath sat up and sighed even louder, which sounded more like a strangled scream.

Deuce chuckled to himself and rolled his desk chair towards the bed. He reached out to stop the chair from hitting the footboard and smiled at his best friend.

“Well, someone sure wants my attention,” Deuce said smugly.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ask me how my day was!” Heath kicked off his shoes and brought his legs up to sit cross-legged. 

“And you can’t just tell me, because…?”

“Because…suspense,” Deuce rolled his eyes, “and because no one else asked how my day was going the entire time I was out,” Heath said with a slight pout.

“Fine,” Deuce turned around to sit backward in his chair and crossed his arms over the back, “How was your day, Heath?”

Heath flailed his hands in excitement, “Great question!” Deuce held back a laugh, “I went to the park, made friends with some zombie dogs, and saw a flyer for this new nightclub place for teens. I went because, duh, and it was decorated to have this beachy vibe and I love the beach.”

Deuce nodded along, “Mhm…”

“And I stayed there for the rest of the night. but, there’s more!” Heath clapped his hands together. 

“How can there be more if you stayed there all night?” 

“I met a girl! I, Heath Burns, met a girl!” 

“Huh, good for you, man,” Deuce pushed himself off the bed and attempted to keep writing his paper.

“Wait, wait, I gotta tell you all about it,” Heath climbed off the bed and headed towards his side of the room, just barely saving himself from tripping over his sneakers. 

“Fine, but I gotta finish this,” Deuce gestured to his open document, “I promise I’m listening, go ahead.”

Heath plopped down into his own desk chair, “So you know Nirvana right? That human band?” Deuce hummed and nodded. “Apparently, there are Spanish covers of their songs, which is a sentence I never thought I’d say, but they were, like, the majority of the playlist.”

Deuce furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Heath, “Nirvana of all bands has multiple covers in Spanish?” 

“Yuh, and me and the girl just danced to them and talked all night. What did we talk about?” Heath didn’t wait for Deuce to answer, “Great question”.

Deuce chuckled to himself as he finished a paragraph. 

“I learned a lot about her, like, she’s from the Himalayas, and she actually knows some of the same people we do. She knows Cleo and Lagoona and even Clawdeen, isn’t that so interesting?” Deuce nodded absentmindedly. “She even asked me if I watched that human show, um…” Heath searched his brain for the title, “Friends! That’s it!” 

“Oh, that show about the six friends in the coffee shop or whatever?” Deuce leaned back in his chair looking over his last couple of paragraphs. 

“Yeah! I told her that Phoebe was probably my favorite character so far.”

“The blonde one?” Deuce asked.

“Mhm, and she actually agreed with me and we laughed and laughed.”

“How did you of all people, no offense, get a girl to talk to you and dance with you? For such a long period of time?” Deuce started a new paragraph and slightly laughed at the idea of Heath fumbling over his words trying to ask a girl to dance.

“Well actually, you jerk, she came up to me. I had just ordered some salsa for my chips, I had chips, I didn’t think it was important to mention, and she walked up to me. She asked if she could sit with me and try some of my food.”

“And you let her, because only you would share your food with an absolute stranger,” Deuce said, saying the last part under his breath.

“I heard that, and yes, I did. She sat down and asked me if the salsa was mild. I stupidly said that it was hotter than mild because I thought it would impress her but turns out she has problems with hot food. Deuce, I almost scared her away!”

Deuce couldn’t keep his laughs quiet anymore and let a loud guffaw leave his mouth, “See, this is why I didn’t believe that you were able to keep her interested enough to dance with you.” 

“Rude, but I quickly took it back and said it was a joke. She stayed, thank gods, and then one of the Nirvana covers came on, she pulled me to the dance floor, I, of course, had to keep my fire under control, and the rest is the greatest love story to ever take place.”

“Sounds like an amazing night, Heath. What was her name?” Deuce finished up his final paragraph and hit save. Should he have proofread it? Sure, but he might as well give the end of Heath’s story his full attention.

“Yeah...about that, once the club got closer to closing time, she left pretty quickly, and I never…actually caught her name…” 

Deuce stopped moving. He did not hear that right, he couldn't have, “You don't,” Deuce closed his eyes in preparation for disappointment, “know her name?” 

“No, I do not,” Deuce could practically hear the sheepish look Heath had on his face as he spoke. 

Deuce did a sharp inhale and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I mean this in the nicest way possible, dude, you're hopeless.” 

“Yeah, I know. But what matters is that she seemed to be having fun and I know I had fun,” Heath got out of his chair and started to change into his pajamas. “That’s a win in my book.” 

“A win is a win,” Deuce reluctantly said. 

Heath finished getting dressed and sprawled out on his bed, “I wonder if she’s thinking about me right now.”

“Maybe, Heath, maybe.”

On the other side of the school was a blue-skinned girl and her friends gathered in a circle. Giggles left the friends’ mouths as the girl spoke.

“He assured me that the salsa wasn’t actually that hot and so I tried it, it was really good, and we just hit it off right away,” it was hard for Abbey to keep her excitement in check as she recounted the story of the boy she had met that night. 

“And then what happened?” Lagoona chirped.

“Then the music changed and I dragged him to the dance floor,” Abbey took a second to chuckle to herself, “He was such a bad dancer,” another chuckle fell from her lips.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Ghoulia reached a hand to Abbey’s knee in comfort.

“No, no, it was endearing. I loved how bad he was at dancing because he knew he was bad but he was so confident about it. It made me laugh.”

Ghoulia hummed and took her hand away. 

“Ya know, orange skin, red hair, I think I know the guy you’re talking about,” Cleo, who had been trying to act like she didn’t think Abbey’s story was absolutely adorable, finally chimed in to the conversation, “What was his name again?”

“Oh, I never actually asked for it. I didn’t tell him mine either. Guess that wasn’t my smartest move,” Abbey said, giggling to herself. 

“You utter fool,” Cleo reprimanded her but couldn’t stay mad at her very happy friend. 

“Yeah, I know. But I had so much fun, guys, and I think he did too. I swear I saw his hair become fire for a second when we were dancing.” 

Cleo definitely knew who the guy was by now but she held her words. Why ruin the moment by letting everyone know that Abbey was dancing with Cleo’s ex’s best friend? Besides, it was bound to be funny when the two would inevitably run into each other when classes started in a couple days.

[anonymoushotsexyperson]

This post on twitter PISSED me off and I can't stop thinking about how no one cares about their friends anymore! SOOO here's a blog post about it.

LIKE ALWAYS THE BIG BOLD PURPLE TEXT ACTS AS STAMPS TO BREAK THE READING UP INTO SMALLER SECTIONS TO ACCOMMODATE THOSE WITH SMALLER ATTENTION SPANS WHO ARE MORE INTRIGUED IN ONE PIECE OVER THE ENTIRE POST! ^-^

Reading everything is encouraged though!

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CREATE THE LEVELS OF COMRADERY NEEDED TO OVER THROW THE GOVERNMENT IF YOU MOTHA FUCKAS CANT FIND THE SPACE TO TEXT YOUR FRIENDS BACK?? BESTIE BE SO FUCKING FORREAL!:

(THIS section is a little bit off topic from the rest but I can't HELP but mention it.) I think we should all start doing what the original poster did with our friends to be honest. We need to make space for our feelings and expectations in our friendship. Like learn how to fucking leave space for your community. I may have wrote about this before if not I will def be writing about it soon but the lack of community building and intimate friendship skills in gen z is so harmful in so many ways. Not only does it create this 'loneliness epidemic' ( if you're anything like me you've watched a million YouTube video essays on) but dude... DO YOU THINK ROSA PARKS JUST GOT ON THAT DAMN BUS HER DAMN SELF ON A RANDOM ASS DAY AND IT STARTED A REVOLUTION???? NO. They organized that! IT WAS AN ACTIVIST GROUP WHO DID IT AND PLANNED IT! How do you think black activism was able to prevail through the racist ass civil rights movement? COMMUNITY BUILDING AND GRASS ROOTS ORGANIZING AND GIRL LOOK AT THE STATE OF THE WORLD WE COULD USE THAT RIGHT NOW !

"SOMETIMES YOUR FRIEND IS DEPRESSED" IS AN EXPLANATION NOT EXCUSE (DONT SHARPEN ANY PITCHFORKS YET JUST LISTEN):

NOWWWW listen, I know we are all at our own pace with interpersonal relationships I get that, I can already hear the "Sometimes your friends can be depressed though so maybe YOU should consider that" crowd grabbing their pitchforks but, dude. Especially if you're an adult, you need to learn how to master these obstacles in certain situations. I know this sucks so bad and its unfair but your relationships are still half your responsibility hurting someone because you weren't mentally well still hurt them. I know this better than fucking anyone as someone who has borderline and had to come to terms with that myself. It's an annoying and unfair and hard truth but once you admit it to yourself you can become a better companion. We all have things going on but the people in your life deserve the respect of you at the least attempting to communicate on why you're not upholding the level of intimacy you have set for yourself with said person. Next section are two fairly easy skills to help manage your mental health but be a good friend. ALSO if you're doing the things in the next section with them and your friends still is an ass about it because they don't like the compromise you were able to give or whatever DO be mindful that the relationship is half their responsibility too. Friends should be able to leave space for their mentally ill friends (if they're being properly communicated to and their needs are also being taken into account) that can look like patience understanding and willingness to compromise or lending a helping hand or shoulder to cry on, meeting you where you're at. And if they can't do that after you extend that communication or compromise to them maybe you guys shouldn't be close friends who expect those things from one another or possibly not friends at all but thats up to you to choose!

A TIP FOR YOU DEPRESSED BITCHES :

( I use bitch and hoe as terms of endearment I love my depressed shawty baes)

You bad at communicating and you about to ghost all your friends? Well before you do or better yet when you're in a healthy state of mind tell them thats a problem you have and if its a friend you're really close to who might still need reassurance when you go ghost try to come up with some compromise like "I will still go ghost in the sense that I won't communicate but ill send memes I see to let you know your on my mind!" or "I will do a week/ monthly check in with you but thats all I have the energy for." (remember not to abuse these strategies though! throughout your journey of healthy confrontation you will learn how to discern between whether or not you are using them because you genuinely need them in that moment or if its because you are closing yourself away from the world a toxic amount and need to face your feelings around and with other people)

A TIP FOR YOU HOES OUT THERE WHO HAVE TROUBLE COMMUNICATING :

Muster up the strength to say or set up something like this maybe before you enter that state of mind while you're still in the good place! "hey I have a habit of doing ____ if i'm not in a good place. So when you text me I will text back this same funny meme or tiktok etc as a symbol to let you know i'm in I wanna die mode!" this is a way to communicate to your close friends that you're in a bad headspace at the moment and can't give much energy to the friendship without really having to say anything besides the first time you bring it up if you're uncomfortable all you have to do is send that meme or maybe emoji etc! (Make sure you aren't abusing this strategy to avoid working on your communication issues though because that can regress your communication abilities and friendships even further this is something you will learn and determine for yourself through trial and erorr)

Remember both of these sections are first steps but we also wanna work on being able to compromise SOMETIMES when we haven't left the bad place yet but I know many of you aren't ready for that. SO I won't scare y'all away.

OVERALL TAKE/ CLOSING STATEMENT:

Maybe you're someone who genuinely can't maintain close intimate friendships with sensitive people and maybe i'm wrong here and this might offend you but in most cases I believe thats not true. A lot of people are just scared of sensitivity and emotions. A lot of people are fed up with life and won't allow themselves to push passed their own imaginary limits to open up the can of worms that truly is making and maintaining intimate friendships.

The truth is a lot of us ARE sensitive, but we make ourselves smaller for all the people we love because "they have other stuff going on". I can't help but think if you agree with the qrt or had an 'its not that deep' reaction thats the qualities of being a bad friend (and its not your fault because within especially western individualist culture and patriarchal culture thats what we are taught to be but UNLEARN it).

Also I understand being traumatized by someone who was really sensitive and didn't know how to communicate and they became abusive, I also understand that having a sensitive friend again after that can be triggering. I'm so sorry that happened to you. BUT I hope you don't let your abuser take away this learning experience from you because healthy confrontation once learned is such a beautiful thing. ALSO healthy confrontation doesn't mean devoid of any emotion or things that make you uncomfortable don't expect people who are upset at you to shit sunshine and fart rainbows but its important to make sure you're NOT being verbally abused either. (I will make a post soon about healthy confrontation soon and what that looks like). Hey i'm not saying the original poster had the healthiest response either (im pretty sure the kms thing was meant to be a self deprecating joke not actual emotional manipulation keep that in mind) but it is a natural response to being hurt and more than likely the type of response you give after multiple offenses not just one thing. That is the behavior of someone who's felt ostracized for a while. I would not in any way shape or form consider it an abusive response though yeah it makes you uncomfortable, which circles me back around to the beginningof this. Stop making yourself smaller for the people you love, it's okay to make things uncomfortable by mentioning your feelings because they need to learn to be comfortable with talking about things.

If you continue to make yourself smaller for the people you love, one day you will look around you and you will see all the people you love, but you won't see the people who love you and... that? THAT is pain.

so reader, what do you think? Leave a comment even if you disagree! I genuinely wanna know.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Red Team Blues Chapter One, part three

With just days to the publication of my next novel, Red Team Blues, I’m taking the chance to serialize the first chapter of this anti-finance finance thriller, and introduce you to Marty Hench, a 67-year-old forensic accountant who specializes in Silicon Valley finance scams.

If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/19/whats-wrong-with-iowa/#henched

Marty is ready to retire, but there’s just one more job he has to do — recover a billion dollars’ worth of cryptographic keys that are claimed by money-launderers, narcos, and shady US three letter agencies.

Here’s the previous installments:

Part one:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/17/have-you-tried-not-spying/#unsalted-hash

Part two:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/18/cursed-are-the-sausagemakers/#henched

Here’s where US readers can pre-order the book:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865847/red-team-blues

Here’s pre-orders for Canadians:

https://services.raincoast.com/scripts/b2b.wsc/featured?hh_isbn=9781250865847&ht_orig_from=raincoast

And for readers in the UK and the rest of the Commonwealth:

https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/red-team-blues-cory-doctorow/7225998?ean=9781804547755

And now, here’s today’s serial installment:

I grunted noncommittally. Danny had been around since crypto meant “cryptography,” and I hadn’t figured him to become one of these blockchain hustlers. They’re the kind of smart people who outsmart themselves, especially when it comes to shenanigans, forgetting that their public ledger is public and all their transactions are visible to the whole world forever. Forensic accounting never had a better friend than crypto, with its mix of public ledgers, deluded masters of the universe, and suckers pumping billions into the system. It was full employment for me and my competitors until cryptocurrency’s carbon footprint rendered the earth uninhabitable.

“There are certain technical differences between Trustless and other coins. Will you allow me to explain them to you? I promise it’s germane and I’m not trying to sell you anything.” “Aw, hell, Danny, you can tell me anything. I just get sick of being hustled.”

“Me, too, pal. Okay, if you mentioned distributed sudoku puzzles, you know something about proof of work: the way blockchain maintains the integrity of its ledger is by having everyone in the system repeatedly do compute work that reaffirms all the entries in the ledger. So long as the value of all the assets in the ledger is less than the electricity bill for taking over the majority of the compute work, they’re safe.”

“That means that the more valuable all this blockchain stuff becomes, the more coal they have to burn to keep it all from being stolen,” I said. It was something I’d almost said to the bros at dinner the night before, but I didn’t want an argument to distract from the otherwise lovely time I’d been having with my entirely lovely companion.

“That’s fair,” he said. “That’s what every greenie who hasn’t received a couple of mil in donations from surprised crypto-millionaires will tell you. But, Marty, that’s a problem with proof of work, not with distributed ledgers. If you could build a blockchain that had a negligible carbon budget, you could do a lot with it.”

“Launder money. Badly.”

“That,” he said. “Lot of Chinese entrepreneurs and officials are anxious to beat currency controls. But it’s not just money, it’s anything you want to have universally available, unfalsifiable, and cryptographically secured.”

“Laundered money.”

He made a face. “Cynic. Not laundered money. Genocide-­proof ID. Cryptographically secured, write-­only manifests of a person’s identifiers, including nationality, vitals, and ethnic group, but each one has its own key, held by the Blue Helmets. You get to a border and you present your biometrics, and the UN tells the border guards your nationality but not your ethnicity.”

“Fanciful.”

“Cynic! Yeah, fine, no one’s doing it yet, but we could. All that blockchain for good shit that the hucksters talked up to make it sound like proof of work wasn’t a crime against humanity. Trust­ lesscoin lets you do them because it doesn’t need the sudoku.”

I dredged up memories of half-­digested podcasts I’d listened to on the road. “Is it a proof-­of-­stake thing?”

He snorted. “Don’t try to sound smart, Marty, you’ll sprain something. No, it’s secure enclaves. That crypto-­sub-­processor in your iPhone that Apple uses to keep you from switching to another app store? It can run code. What’s more, it can sign the output. So we can send you a program and check to see whether it ran as intended, because we know that the owner of a phone can’t override the secure enclave. Far as Apple’s concerned, iPhone owners are the enemy, and their threat model treats the device owner as an adversary — ­as someone who might get apps someplace that doesn’t kick a fifteen to thirty percent vigorish up to Apple for every transaction, depriving its shareholders of their rake.

“Any device with a secure enclave or other trusted computing module is a device that treats its owner as the enemy. That’s a device we need, because when you’re in the Trustlesscoin network, that device will defend me from you, and you from me. I don’t have to trust you, I just have to trust that you can’t break into your own phone, which is to say that I have to trust that Apple’s engineers did their job correctly, and well, you know, they’ve got a pretty good track record, Marty.”

“Except?”

He finished his lemonade and scowled at the reusable straw.

“Yeah, except. Look, Trustlesscoin is on track to become the standard public ledger for the world. I know, I know, every founder talks that ‘make a dent in the universe’ crap, but I mean it. You want to know how serious I am about this? I took in outside capital.”

He let me sit with that a moment. Danny Lazer, the man who ate ramen in a twenty-­year-­old, bent-­axle RV for decades with the love of his life so he’d never have to take a nickel from any of those bloodsuckers on Sand Hill Road, and he took in outside capital. Danny Lazer, a man who’d owned 75 percent of a unicorn, which is to say, seven-­point-­five-­times-­ten-­to-­the-­eight U.S. American Greenback Simoleon Dollars, and he took in outside capital.

“Why? And also, what for?”

He laughed. “Watching you work out a problem is like watching a bulldog chew a wasp, brother. You’ve got a hell of a poker face, but when you start overclocking the old CPU, it just melts. I’ll tell you why and what for.

“First of all, I wanted to create something for Sethu. She’s never had the chance to live up to her potential. She’s smart, Marty, smart like Galit was, but she’s also technical, and managerial, and just born to run things. I’ve never met a better candidate for a CEO than she is. And I’m not young, you know that, and there’s going to be a long time after I’m dead when she’ll still be in her prime, and I wanted to make something she could grow into and grow around her.

“I’d been playing with the idea behind Trustless since the early 2000s, when Microsoft released its first Trusted Computing papers, all the way back in the Palladium days! So Sethu and I hung up a whiteboard in the guest room and started spending a couple of hours a day in there. I didn’t want to bring in anyone else at first, first because it seemed like a hobby and not a business, and hell, every cryptographer I know is working seventy-hour weeks as it is.

“Then I didn’t want to bring in anyone else because I got a sense of how big this damned thing is. I mean, there’s about two trillion in assets in the blockchain today, and that’s with all the stupid friction of proof-­of-­work. When we lift the shackles off of it, whoosh, we’re talking about a ledger that will encompass more assets than the total balance sheets of twenty or thirty of the smallest UN members . . . ​combined.

“You know me, Marty. I don’t believe in much, but when I do believe in something, I’m all in. All. In. And so I brought some people in.”

“What for, though? Danny, how much of your Keypairs jackpot did you manage to blow? How much money could you possibly need, and for what? Are you building your own chip foundry? Buying a country?”

“We actually thought of doing both of those things, you know, but decided we didn’t need the headaches. The Keypairs money’s only grown since I cashed out, thanks to the bull runs. I can’t spend it all, won’t be able to. It would sicken me to try, because I’d have to be so wasteful to even make a dent in it.

“The reason I went for outside capital wasn’t money, it was connections.”

I groaned. Every grifter in private equity and VC-­land claimed that they had “connections” that represented value add for their portfolio companies. The social butterfly market was implausible on its face, and in practice, it was just a way of turning cocktail parties into a business expense. “Come on, Danny, you know people already.”

“Not these people.” And he did the thing. He looked from side to side, up and down. He turned off his phone and held his hand out for mine and carried them both to the little step next to the water feature and set them down on it so they’d be in the white-noise zone. He came back, looked around again. “I got signing keys for four of the most commonly deployed secure enclaves.” He looked around again.

“I think I know what that means, Danny, but maybe you could spell it out? I’m just a dumb old accountant, not a cryptographic legend like yourself. And for God’s sake, stop looking around. I’ll let you know if I see anyone sneaking up on us.”

“Sorry, sorry. Okay. The secure enclave gets a program, runs it, and signs the output. The secure enclave’s little toy operating system says that it does this reliably and without exception. You see a signature on a program’s output, you know the program produced it. That toy OS, it’s simple. Stupid. Brutal. Does about six things, very well, and nothing else. You can’t change that program. Secure enclaves are designed to be non-­serviceable. Even taking them off the mainboard wrecks them. You get them into a lab and decap them and hit them with an electron-­tunneling microscope, you still won’t be able to recover the signing keys or force a false sig.

“But if you have the signing keys? You can just simulate a secure enclave on any computer. Then you can run any operating system you want on it, including one that will forge signatures. You do that, and you can falsify the ledger. You can move unlimited sums from any part of the balance sheet to your part of the balance sheet. You can jackpot the whole fucking thing.”

I blew out air. “Well, that seems like a defect in the system, all right.”

“It can’t be helped. We call it Trustless, but there’s always some trust in a system like this. You’re not trusting the other users of the system or the company that made the software. You’re trusting that a couple of leading manufacturers of cryptographic coprocessors and sub-­processors, companies with decades of experience, will maintain operational security and not lose control of the keys that their entire business — ­and the entire business of all their customers and their customers’ customers — ­are dependent upon. You’re not trusting the other users, but you’re trusting them.”

“And yet,” I said, looking over at Sethu, who was painting away and performing an excellent simulation of someone who wasn’t eavesdropping, “you found someone willing to sell you some of those keys.”

“Yes,” he said and gave me a calm, no-­bullshit, eye-­to-­eye stare. “I did. It’s useful to have those, especially when you’re first kicking a new cryptocurrency around. You make a smart contract with a bad line of code in it, you create a bug bounty with an unlimited payout. So in the early days, when you’re figuring this stuff out, you do a little ledger rewriting.”

“You do rewriting on a read-­only ledger that no one is ever supposed to rewrite.”

He rolled his eyes. “Ethereum did it early on, moved fifty mil in stolen payout from a bad smart contract out of the crook’s account and back into the mark’s account. No one made too much of a fuss. I mean, the immutable ledger sounds like a great idea until someone no stupider than you gets taken for fifty mil, and then rewriting the ledger is just sound fiscal policy in service to fundamental justice.”

“But Ethereum told everyone they were doing it. Sounds like you did it all on the down low?”

“We were early. No one was even paying attention. All we wanted was a ledger whose early entries weren’t an eternal monument to my stupid mistakes as I climbed the learning curve.”

“Fine. Vain, but fine. Still, getting those keys meant a lot of power for a little reputation laundering.”

He sighed and looked away. “Yeah. The thing is, I’m not the only one who makes mistakes. We are aiming for trillions secured on our chain. Trillions, Marty. Ten to the twelve. It’s an unforgiving medium, and the stakes are high. The Ethereum lesson was clear: a couple of divide-­by-­zeros or fence post errors, a single badly typed variable or buffer overrun, and the whole thing could sink. I needed an eraser. Not on day zero but well before I attained liftoff.”

“Every hacker builds in a back door, huh?”

“Don’t call it that. Call it an Undo button.”

“Okay, then. An Undo button in a system whose cryptography is supposed to prevent undo at all costs. But not a back door.”

“You, my friend, are too smart. I miss the days when forensic accountancy and security engineering were distinct fields. ” “Me, too, pal. So what happened? Your keys took a walk?”

Tomorrow (Apr 21), I’m speaking in Chicago at the Stigler Center’s Antitrust and Competition Conference. This weekend (Apr 22/23), I’m at the LA Times Festival of Books.

[orionsangel86]

I read the entire essay btw and it's so sooooo good omg. Thank you. Are you writing anything like this currently? Perhaps for Good Omens?

Thank you so much!

You mean the Dreamling meta right?

Oh god I am terrible I am not writing anything currently because I have lost my motivation and am dealing with writers block.

I have a list of about a half dozen meta's I wanna write for Sandman, and so many asks in my inbox which I need to answer too.

I don't know if I'm gonna write any Good Omens meta if I'm honest. I love it so much, but it doesn't inspire me and compell me to analyse it the way Sandman does. I think I have said before somewhere that Sandman is the first piece of media/story that has inspired me to properly write meta analysis since my Supernatural days. There have been plenty of other wonderful shows I've watched between SPN and Sandman, but I think part of the reason I feel compelled to analyse them is the fact that I view them as deeply flawed multilayered stories with multiple interpretations to dig into. I don't view Good Omens the same way, I just really enjoy watching it, reading the book, listening to the audiobook, and I love reading other peoples Good Omens analysis and will certainly reblog anything I come across that I love.

Whilst my love for Crowley and Aziraphale is like warm sunshine, something to bask in whilst the skies are clear for a few hours here and there, it fades with the clouds and lessens during the darker months. My love for Morpheus is like the moon, a constant companion, something I can stare at for hours on end, deeply fascinating and compelling, and always drawing me towards it, inspiring me to write thousands of words in my devotion.

Anyway, I hope you will still stick around for my other Sandman meta when I eventually get to posting it! Plus I'm not gonna stop reblogging fantastic Good Omens work for a long while yet!