#on the dodie blog not so much but that was because I was going through a BAD time and I had so many people following me to watch it happen

[iguessitsjustme]

Get to know me

I was recently tagged by @wintercrushes​ and I think I’ve done this before but some things (like favorites and stuff) have changed so I figured why not do it again.

Name: Call me Rae

Sign: Pisces

Height: 5′5 if I’m feeling generous to myself

Time: 4:59

Birthday: No thanks

Favorite Artist/Band: Loveless, Parade the Day, dodie

Last Movie: I’m currently watching the movie version of To My Star (again). It’s taking me awhile to get through though because I’m taking notes.

Last show: I’m currently watching a lot of shows that are airing, but not this week since my friend is visiting. We are actually watching One Piece together. Specifically the Water 7/Ennies Lobby arc.

When I created this blog: 2011 I think. But I didn’t start actively blogging until 2012 and I wasn’t on at all during college.

What I post: Whatever the hell I want. Mostly it’s BL but also I use it as a diary kind of.

Other blogs: Nope. This is all I got.

Do I get asks: Very rarely. My asks are always open though. Most people typically just talk to me through replies to my posts or DMs which is fine. I like talking to people. Which is good that I work the job I do because I talk to so many people every day.

Average hours of sleep: Either way too much or none. There is no in between.

What I’m wearing: Pajamas. I changed immediately after coming home. I got damp on my way home. Damn the rain.

Dream Job: Working it.

Dream Trip: Thailand, South Korea, or Spain. Also I want to go see the Grand Canyon.

Favorite songs: Hungarian Dance in G Major, Scheherazade.

I mostly listen to pop punk, but honestly, those are the only two pieces that I never skip. Not once.

Tagging whoever wants to do this. Consider yourself tagged. I’m so tired. I’m gonna go order a pizza now and play some board games with my friend.

[zebrashavestrips]

oooooh all the q's

Hello anon! I’m guessing you mean the wlw + mlm asks so here it is!

1. describe your crush / partner.

I’m not really crushing anyone right now tbh, just hanging out with friends and trying new things.

2. describe your perfect date.

The simple answer, going to a brewery and playing board games. I love any competitive activity tbh but with the right vibes, we could also go walk around the streets and have deep talks. maybe lay down at the beach or a park and look at the sky.

3. describe your dream house.

I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SOOOO MUCH but thats also because its a near life goal right now. Anyways room#1 a game/ hangout room to watch tv, read, play board or console games, and work lol cant forget about working. Then room#2 would be a guest room with a murphy bed to save space. Room#3 would be my bedroom with a closet with enough space to separate my clothes and gear. The livign room would have what i like to call a scream box, basically these like conference call soundproof phonebooths but could also be used to scream the stress. Bc i have a whole bunch of stuffed animals from family and friends, i want to build a claw machine to store them and thats like another gaming device in my house. The kitchen i actually havent thought that much about but i think i want a lot of counterspace and idk how else it would look like rn. The garage would store all my gear and the camper van i would use for adventures. I would also like a grass patch in the front but theres no more space in the bay area so the park will do. OHHH and a straight roof or patio to watch the skies.

4. describe your dream life.

i see my life with two lifestyles: one like a day job, where most of the week I'd work during the day and hang out with friends afterwards or chill at home and wind down; another full of adventure - hikes, climbing, camping, some day trips to hang out somewhere. some combination of that with friends and we kinda just keep doing that.

5. describe your ideal partner.

Someone to do most of my hobbies with, to challenge and grow together. Kinda someone that I can continuously learn from in any aspect. I really enjoy having people around me just doing our own things together so things like that.

6. morning cuddles or night cuddles?

Night cuddles

7. big spoon or little spoon?

Little spoon

8. hugs or kisses?

Hugs

9. walks on the beach or walks in the forest?

Walks in the forest

10. sitting on your partner’s lap or them on yours?

Them sitting on my lap

11. favourite lgbt movie?

Imagine me & you… soooo cute

12. favourite lgbt book?

I actually don’t really read that many books but I love a good enemies to lovers, fake dating, soulmates angst. I’m in the middle of We Are Okay by Nina Lacour. But I did read a lot of fanfic and there was this soulmate AU with a name tattooed on each wrist and you don’t know which one is a platonic soulmate and which one is a romantic soulmate.

13. favourite lgbt character?

Fictional, Laura Hollis. Real, Hayley Kiyoko

14. favourite lgbt ship?

The og hollstein! Ughhh I miss them so much

15. favourite lgbt song?

Oooo this is hard, I actually have a few… can I give top 3? Whatever, it’s my blog. Top 3 are sleepover by hayley kiyoko, kiss the boy by keiynan lonsdale, and sick of losing soulmates by dodie

16. what’s your favourite thing about your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

17. what’s the best thing to do with your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

18. how did you meet your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

19. what first attracted you to your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

20. what’s something that reminds you of your partner / crush?

I don’t have one to talk about

21. what’s your lgbt identity?

les be honest

22. when did you realise you’re lgbt?

After I broke up with my boyfriend in high school I started questioning my sexuality and the thoughts followed through in college. Tbh that phase in college really helped me realize I wasn’t into men like how I thought I was in high school.

23. do you fit any stereotypes for your sexuality?

obsessed with hayley kiyoko, carabiners oh so many carabiners, can’t sit in chairs properly, tucked shirt cuffed jeans, always short nails, super athletic, climbing, loves building things like I just helped my best friend move in so we had hella furniture to put together

24. have you ever been to pride?

I think I went twice? I remember who I went with the first time going but I don’t remember the second. All I recall was being able to buy a drink.

25. how did you / do you plan to come out?

Family wise, I came out to my sister first waaay back when, she kinda found out looking at pictures on my phone and asked me about it. My little brother is my best friend so I told him a bit after I started dating. I came out to my parents 2 years ago bc I was dating someone during the pandemic and I wanted to do a small trip to/with her. Their reactions were a lot better than I expected actually - a lecture about queer relationship and safe sex, and a Confucius quote… so not bad? My older brother knows that I know that he knows I’m gay but I never explicitly told him lol that’s just our dynamic.

26. do you remember the name of your first crush?

I do but I shall not say

27. how did you first kiss go?

My very first kiss was super sweet and awkward. This guy I dated in high school walked me home and as we were saying bye, we hugged and stood for what felt like 5 minutes before we did like a small kiss. And then he walked me closer to my door and left to catch the bus

28. what did you do on your first date?

My very first date was super basic, we went to watch a movie and have dinner, got dessert and talked at bart waiting to go home

29. who was the first person you came out to?

I think, like it’s been a long time, I think the first person or even people I came out to was my group of friends from high school on a camping trip after graduation

30. pick a question of your choice + answer it.

I’ve answered all these questions but these were fun. Thanks anon! Hope you have a good one!!

[lesbalisious]

Going through super old tags is giving me such flashbacks to like 2016/2017 (and prior on my dodie blog, only ogs will remember) when I used to constantly post about personal stuff,,, it was fun but also there are so many gross selfies of me on this site now lol

[cttrajan1206]

#arrow sys#Love them#Absolute sweethearts all of em#And suoer fun to sprint with

FIRST OF ALL SOBS /pos

second,,, i know nothing abt twst or obey me but grabby hands at a ramble; i will absolutely listen if you wanted to talk about it :starry:

JSHDJF [WAILS ALOUD] I TOOK SO LONG SO GET BACK TO YOU THAT I FINISHED ONE OF THE WIPS IN THAT TIME LMAO!!

Well!! This is good promo! :> The one that i was typing up is finished now and it's the obey me fic! You can find it here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33644662

Mammon and Movies:

Basically! Someone read another fic of mine that included my self insert flappy stimming and also getting mental breakdown so it asked if i could include a couple other stims in another work since he enjoyed my first one! I. Took that request and made an entire fic dedicated to him lmao. So! I asked it later on for what it would like me to include and which character to use and here we are!

This is a 4K fic of Mammon from Obey Me paired with a Neurodivergent!Reader. The plot is that of him showing you a magic trick and smoothly whipping out a movie ticket!! You've been wanting to ask him to see a movie with you for a while so this is perfect! So perfect in fact that you're overwhelmed with happiness and have a brief moment of being nonverbal as you're overwhelmed with euphoria. Then the next day, you meet him at the venue and the date begins! Other scenes include him allowing you to hold onto his bracelets as it's one of your stims (he wears one of every texture to accomodate to your tastes), you dissociating out of anxiety in a movie theatre and him helping to ground you, and finally! Him sleeping on your shoulder before the movie ends.

Ik i kinda just said the majority of the plot lmao but! Its just a fluffy and sweet movie date! I enjoyed writing it a lot although i got about 80% of it done a month ago and tyn didn't touch it for like 2 weeks sjdbsjd i was p sad abt that. I like finishing things quickly esp when its for other people!! But it was a comfort during a hard time to write this work at 2am under the light of a night lamp and to the tune of street life ambience.

ALSO I FOUND OUT THAT MAMMONS OFFICIAL SONG "ARE YOU READY" LEGIT HAS NO HOURLONG LOOPS AND THAT WAS A HARD HIT TO ME BC LIKE I WANTED TO LISTEN TO IT ON TV BUT IT WASNT HAPPENINGGG TWT WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE ALL THE OTHER OTHER BROTHER'S SONGS INSTEAD LIKE PLSSS

Anyway lmao i'm quite happy with this work, it feels very round and finished to me which makes me happy because it means I didn't need to worry about editing it to feel satisfied. The requester liked it a lot too! Which made me super super happy. :>

Now!! For the twisted wonderland!! That’s a comfort plotline of mine that doesn’t really have a title yet and is still a wip that is written through my friend’s DMs BUT! I will also take the time to promo my twst writing blog! It is dead QvQ On there, you can see a bit more about the self insert in question but for now, i’ll just put the ship name as the title.

https://twst-sumi-squad.tumblr.com/

Kalim Al-Asim X Sumi Bint Khattar (Plot line):

So!! This one stemmed from me drawing something out of self indulgence and to show it to my friend, I described Sumi B in full and then I told them about my ships and around that time I had like five love songs I was obsessed with. And for each of them. I had. A separate animatic. For like at least 1 ship, the average was two but one had three. Sumi B was the centre of the most ships but not the only one. Anyway!! I told my friend about this and asked if I could dump my ideas onto them! They agreed and I started with a summarised version but then realised I needed a bit more build up so I started to write it in a bit more detail. Hah. It ended up being a Lot More Detailed but even then, I would write the scenes in a much more fluid and descriptive way if it were Real Writing so! I call it a Plotline. It is very long.

The plot itself is. long now. it’s a slowburn lmao because most if not all of my self insert ships tend to be slowburns. But this one? This particular self insert? Sumi B? Yeah she’s the only one with trust issues so she mothers the BIGGEST slowburns known to history. It takes them a year before she even considers him a friend despite seeing him every day and also having multiple deep conversations with him. Anyway though, this one is a big comfort becuase it has something I didn’t really dare to do before. Kalim, the canon character, falls in love with my oc first. Normally I have it the other way round becuase I’m too scared to assume that I would be like, deserving or like desirable enough for someone to have a crush on me. But with Sumi B, even I have a goddamn crush on her lmao. I indulge myself a bit with this one and really play around with emotions and!! In the most recent scene! We have finally reached the part where she actually starts to love him back! :D

I started this one a loooong time ago, at least a month and maybe two? It was Intended to be finsiehd in one night and then i got carried away and my friend got invested and then I ALSO got invested and so I started to develop the plot further so make it more interesting and keep the buildup going. It’s very fun and though i try to limit myself to summarising actions and dialogue, i fail. very often. so it often has little tidbits of more beautiful sentences and tension lmao. 

This particular fic is based off of my imagined animatic for the song “Would you be so kind” by Dodie! I didn’t know about the song until i saw other people’s animatics and I ended up taking it and running away haha! I’m currently really happy with it however I am really dreading the day where I actually write it out properly. If I don’t? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll post the plotline by itself. I have another fic just like it, one with a different self insert who (in fact) is very very close with Sumi B and considers her his older sister, that i ALSO wrote in semi detailed plot lines in someone’s DMs. Both are massive comforts to me and though i love them, their plot lines are so goddamn long that i will dread the day i decide to write them all out.

So uhm!!! Yeah!! XDD Those are the two fics I was talking about! I hope you enjoyed my small ramblings about them haha. I’m starting college soon though so I fear I might have much more time for fanfic.

[astermacguffin]

ASTER HELLO I'M HERE TO JOIN YOU IN YOUR DODIENATURAL AGENDA!!

thoughts on "Intertwined" please? I've been obsessing over the insane potential that one tiny lil song like it's such a brainworm inducing piece of work!

OHOHOHOHOHO. INTERTWINED IS SUCH A GOOD SONG. Making a destiel amv out of it would definitely be a part of the "toxic evil gay rights" agenda I have in this blog.

An "Intertwined" amv for destiel would definitely highlight the darker side of their "profound bond." However, I think it would be more interesting to look at the song in dialogue with certain fanfiction, because canon wasn't really brave enough to dive into the nitty-gritty of this side of their dynamic.

The song only has a few words, and that seems to be by design: in dodie's analysis video, it becomes clear that the word choice and the distance between words were chosen deliberately. Reading the lyrics alone evokes the feeling of reading poetry. The musical dimension of the song does a lot of narrative weightlifting in conjunction with the very concise writing of the lyrics.

The song (and the music video) also evokes a strong feeling of imprisonment and claustrophobia; the house certainly doesn't feel free. It is very reminiscent of two fics that haunt me to this day: (1) the inexhaustible silence of houses, and (2) with understanding. (The second one shouldn't surprise anyone who follows me for a long time because I am a self-appointed apokteino scholar.)

This particular lyric certain brings to mind certain scenes in the first half of WU:

"Oh, I'm afraid of the things in my brain // But we can stay here // And love away the fear"

Using the song to frame destiel becomes not just a creative/conceptual move, but an analytic move as well. We've discussed this before in this blog but some fanworks do function as extended analysis of the source material, and this is one instance of that. Dean's control issues and the way he isolates Cas from the world has been explored in a number of fics.

ANYWAYS. Going back to the amv concept. If I were to make an amv out of it, I would juxtapose the scenes where Dean and Cas are beating each other up and scenes where they're hugging each other in key words like "Skin // Heat" and "Intertwined // Free".

An amv of this sort would not be as reliant on lyrical storytelling, but in the visual (particularly the way in which the scenes would be stitched together) and the musical dimensions.

Being a song with so few lyrics, I think such a hypothetical amv would highlight the editing as the "authorial arm" that moves the narrative machinery of an amv, the same way a "narrator" is the receptacle of the author in print media.

This sounds jargony and weird, but what I'm trying to say is that The Narrator and The Author are two distinct entities in literary analysis, and the same logic can be applied in media studies (or, for our purposes, what I call "spn amv studies"). The Author and The Editor are two separate "entities", but the latter doesn't reveal themselves as much as opposed to The Narrator.

What I mean when I use the terms Narrator/Editor is "the mode in which the creator decided to unravel their creation unto you." There is no literal narrator speaking the words when you read, the same way that there's no literal editor arranging the sounds and images in front of you every microsecond, BUT. The way we experience texts as cohesive and whole is a function of the way in which we engage with them as if they were being "told" by a singular "voice."

(For example, when you read a book—especially with no POV changes—even if you were made aware beforehand that it was written by a team of people, you read it through a singular "voice." The "Author" and the "Narrator/Editor" are conceptual entities we make in our heads to make sense of texts.

OKAY. I GOT LOST AGAIN. I'M SORRY THIS IS TOO RAMBLING & STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

Here's the bibliography:

- The music video (everyone watch this it's soooo good)

- dodie's analysis

- a video on the distinction between Narrator and Author (a.k.a. one of the most influential videos on my way of thinking about and analyzing literary and philosophical texts)

[curlyhairedbooklover]

Thanks for tagging me @insaneinsecureintrovert I haven’t done one of these in literal years so this will be a time 

Rules: Answer 30 questions about yourself and tag 20 others you wanna know more about 😊

1. Name/Nickname: Nicole

2. Gender: Female

3. Star Sign: Pisces

4. Height: 5′7 or 5′8 I’m honestly not sure what my exact height is anymore 

5. Time: 12:21

6. Birthday: 19/03/01

7. Favorite bands/groups: I do not know, I tend to just listen to one album/playlist on repeat for months until I change to the next one, at the moment it’s the Rocketman soundtrack (which has been a regular since it came out) and Olafur Arnald’s music but the Falsettos 2016 revival soundtrack has also been a big one

8. Favorite solo artist: Same as above but I have been a dodie fan for years now and also I really liked Lewis Capaldi’s album so I’m gonna say him as well 

9. Song stuck in my head: ‘Revolting children’ from Matilda and ‘you could drive a person crazy’ from Company have been going around my head for a few days now

10. Last Movie: Stadust

11. Last Show: I’m currently watching Sense8 and Pushing Daisies so one of those two

12. When did I create this blog: April 2015

13. What do I post: Just whatever I’m vibing with when I scroll through my dash honestly

14. Last thing I Googled: "Mads Mikkelsen The Door” because I had just watched HideoTube ep6 (I was watching Mads videos) and they were going through Mads’ filmography at one point and that was one that I haven’t watched but they really liked so I was googling it to see what it was about 

15. Other blogs: I have a Carry On sideblog @carryontrash and I either have a very regular queue going on and keep up with it or just reblog like 15 things at once every 2 weeks, currently it’s the latter mood 

16. Do I get asks: No, I used to get more but I rarely post things about myself and honestly I’m kinda glad that I don’t 

17. Why I chose my URL: I have curly hair and I love books and at 14 that sounded like a good url, now I’m emotionally attached so it’ll never change 

18. Following: 2906 (a large amount are inactive or post things I am not currently interested in but I don’t have the time or effort to go through them all and unfollow those ones so this is just how it is) 

19. Followers: 933

20. Average hours of sleep: Probably around 8, I’m still permanently tired though 

21. Lucky number: 19

22. Instruments: Flute and Piano, I don’t play much anymore but I do still enjoy them

23. What am I wearing: An oversized light pink jumper and jeans

24. Dream job: I have absolutely no idea still and am at an age where that is starting to become an active problem in my life

25. Dream trip: I’d like to go back to Switzerland sometime but other than that maybe just America whenever I can go next to see my family there who I obviously haven’t seen in a while

26. Favorite food: Honestly just a big fan of bread and butter, that’s probably not it but I cannot be bothered to think of another better answer right now

27. Nationality: British and American

28. Favorite song: I simply do not have one, there are too many to choose from for any single answer to be accurate

29. Last book I read: I’m currently re-reading the Shadow and Bone series in preparation of the show and am on Ruin and Rising, as I have only read it once like 4 years ago whereas I’ve read soc 4 or 5 times so thought I should probably re-read so that I actually remember the events of the books when watching

30. Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: None??? 

Tagging: @dimplesgf @sleep-is-my-lover @overratedgryffindor @st-markseve @drowningfandoms

[fmdkiana]

【✧】━━━━━ 🌿 k i a n a     i n t r o     p l a y l i s t 🌿 ━━━━━【✧】

these are nineteen songs that i’ve been listening to while making kiana’s blog [x] some i came across, some randomly thought of, and some suggested by lovely muns i’ve been chatting about kiana to. since she’s a character that i’ve adapted for the purpose of famed, these songs have helped ground me in the person she is. i hope the songs and descriptions below will help you learn kiana a little better too

1. to be torn by kyla la grange

this first song was a suggestion from someone, and i think set the tune for the rest of my choices. apparently it’s from beauty and the beast? lol anyway it describes this desire to be torn, a carnal need to be used. the heavy sound of it is kind of haunting, a bit sad, but also strong. the emotion can be felt even without the lyrics. kiana has this part of her that deeply craves being important, whether it comes at her own expense -her own tearing- or not. also forewarning that a lot of these overlap on the same concepts. shrug emoji

2. intertwined by dodie

intertwined is a song that immediately came to mind for kiana after to be torn. when this song came out, many people saw it as a cute love story, wanting to be intertwined with a lover, and have them be the safe space when you have a troubled head. however, dodie made a video debunking this, against her natural inclination, because the song describes something severely unhealthy. the following music video also helped many people to see the gore that’s strung throughout the lyrics. it Actually describes a relationship where the participants have put all of their source of happiness in one another, and it’s left them codependent, but ever seeking more. kiana has this perpetual trouble in relationships, especially romantic ones

3. bite by troye sivan

i can be the subjective of your dreams, your sickening desire is a pretty good sum up of where the inspo comes from. it’s difficult, when talking about the negative parts of kiana, to not talk about her ex-boyfriend. i have lots planned to talk on so i won’t go on forever here, but it reminds me of how all it took was the tiniest invitation for kiana to “become his.” that’s how she works. come here puppy, don’t bite, and she’ll heel at your side forever. at least, back then. she’s someone who seems difficult, because she’s very asocial, but with the right formula, it could be so easy to slip her into your arms

4. hell in heaven by twice wish

this song is a bit similar to intertwined, i would say? someone who feels stuck, drowning in a “hell” that is only saved by a piece of “heaven/paradise.” yet they’re in between the place of hell and heaven, constantly confused of where they land, because they’ve placed their hope for salvation in this one, singular place/person. they want to be freer than they are, yet their salvation keeps them locked away. open the door to heaven, let me walk on the cloud. the day i’m trapped in you, save me, hold me tight

5. dinner & diatribes by hozier

a few different levels come from this song. while it was created with the idea of how tedious social gatherings are, the story that comes from it makes another world. kiana is asocial, and struggles with fear over social situations, which make something like dinner parties quite stressful for her. she’s also someone who isn’t fond of small talk, and more likely that type to say ‘talk to me about your deepest fears,’ but... she actually means it and isn’t saying it to be pretentious. she would much rather see the sickest, nastiest parts of someone, soak all of that up, than talk about whether the food was good. the music video describes this in part, but also gives a hades/persephone but worse type of story that is also quite kiana aligned. that’s the kind of love i’ve been dreaming of

6. creep by radiohead

i want you to notice when i’m not around. so fuckin special, i wish i was special, but i’m a creep. not to ‘have you ever seen me without this hat’ on you, but lissen! kiana is forever convinced she’s an outsider. the things she likes are more Cool these days than they were when she was a kid, but the feeling of being ostracized for liking them back then will always live with her. she’s an insecure overthinking fuck at times too. and also desperately wants to be someone special, and unique, as if having that would make her pain of feeling different worth it

7. seigfried by frank ocean

the meaning of this song is pretty different from how i view it in relation to kiana. for her, the focus is on the idea of ‘settling down’ being... acceptance of normality? her whole life, she’s been searching for someone and/or something that makes her feel special. she became an idol for this exact reason, dated her ex for that reason, seeks the relationships she does, thinks she could still have superpowers for this reason. but the truth is that she’s pretty normal. her hobbies are very normal people type things. her talents aren’t anything that would have her being called top of the line. her thoughts are all things other people have thought of. her booksmart intelligence isn’t any stronger than the average. she is very normal, and the tiny part of her that acknowledges that usually shoves it away. but on occasion, she wonders if she should accept it, and settle

8. gimme love by joji

gimme gimme love is all you really need to know lol kiana doesn’t stick around easily when she’s not being given the same kind of world-ending affection from those she’s chosen to share that with that she gives out. she gives at Least 110% of her love, affection, and loyalty into anyone that she has chosen to keep closest to her heart, and if she isn’t getting that back, she can feel dejected, unloved, and unimportant. she may give people like this a few chances to change, but her expectations, or “standards,” won’t change

9. pain by king princess

cos i can’t help turning my love into pain is the strongest lyric that ties back to kiana. the overall message isn’t as strong because king princess has a different view on a relationship as described than kiana. for her, it’s yet another kiana will put herself in the face of terrible parts of relationships. the trouble is that she enjoys it, and seeks it, thinking it’s the ultimate show of love. not to pain one another, but to be pained without them. also realizing after all these i should be saying this applies to her inner circle friendships as well, but the standards are just a little less heavy

10. any song by zico sun

not one for big gatherings, kiana likes to have her social interaction either through the wire, or in small groups (duos are best to her tbh) the song has an upbeat tune that contrasts against the lyrical meaning of something more about... any song will do, something to drag away the sadness that’s living inside. kiana functions a bit like that, always seeking her uniqueness to bust out and save her from her own mind thinking she’s not good enough

11. why won’t they talk to me? by tame impala

she is asocial, but that doesn’t mean being a hermit,, an otaku,, whatever you want to call her, is a life full of happiness. she functions very well on her own, but when she has that for too long, it can be damaging to her head as well, especially when she has inner circle friends or a romantic relationship. when not speaking to these people, the need for human connection seems unbearable to deal with, and anxiety runs rampant

12. alien by lee suhyun

her mama told her she’s alien, but actually it was herself telling herself she’s alien mixed with influence from pop culture making her want to be a superhero and kids who told her she was a freak, all coming together in the desire for weirdness to be a Cool thing. kiana will wish til the day she croaks that she will have a realization that she has a special power

13. stressed out by twenty one pilots

ki doesn’t care about the core message of this song. many people relate to oh no bills~ adult stress~ but kiana doesn’t. even if she wasn’t born into a family that could live comfortably, and didn’t become an idol making phat stacks, she would feel the same. to her, it’s an inevitability. HOWEVA the beginning lines are 1:1 for how she wishes to be something extraordinary, and is supa insecure that she isn’t. i wish found some better sounds that no one’s ever heard. i wish i had a better voice that sang some better words ... i was told when i get older all my fears would shrink but now i’m insecure and i care what people think

14. true crime by epik high ft. miso

not exactly 1:1 word by word, since there’s several perspectives coming in one song, however, the overall message i think can be summed in it’s a true crime to be without you. other lines like i’d open up my chest for your entertainment, that was the line that drew me to originally put this in the playlist. i’m not sure on a story behind the song, but it strikes me as something bonnie & clyde-esque? there’s themes of being on the run, lying on the pavement dying, stuff like that. that kind of relationship is strongly the ideals kiana holds for her romantic and close platonic relationships

15. shine by pentagon (shouldve been knight but bad bois image PLAYIN)

i cannot explain to u the random joy this dumb song gave me when it came out. it’s similar to power up like i just?? get so happy lol anyway the whole premise is like nerdy person has a crush n theyre like oh my god~ why would u like me~ i cant say i like u~ it’s super fucking cute. i’m a loser who loves you. yes, i’m a misery. to you, i’m a nuisance, i’m an outsider, but in this world, i only need you. that’s where the kiana part comes in strongest, or explains it in one sentence. she worries she isn’t enough for others but her affections are always incredibly strong. also she’s cute

16. tail by sunmi dimensions soloist 2

when i first heard this song, i needed to play it again to pay attention to the lyrics because i had the feeling it was kiana-esque. i was right, but i would say that it’s where kiana could go at her worst. has she been there? i’m not so sure. perhaps teetering on the edge of having her claws out, but really, for now, it’s just that the potential is there

17. she’s my religion by pale waves

so as to not repeat myself too much and because this is so much fookin writing already, this is another song that talks about how deeply and dangerously kiana falls into others. she’s no angel, but she’s my religion, always finding ways to numb the pain ... made me feel like i was finally enough ... she needs this love just as much as me

18. space cadet by beabadoobee

this song has similar themes to alien, but rather than about being special, it’s about being in a shitty place and letting your mind wander to create a better reality. ki has her interests, her extreme love of her fandoms, because it’s an escape for her. that’s not something i personally approve of, however, it’s a common reality for many people. living in these online spaces and thinking of these fictional worlds gives her a place to go to when the irl world is too difficult for her to handle

19. me! me! me! by teddyloid

you might think this is a meme addition and sure! to a degree it is! but i’m also going to talk about it as an actual piece of music and visuals. first we’ll talk about the music video. kiana feels complicated about the type of anime fans that oversexualize everything, so in general, she likes a message that’s against those types. the message of addiction tearing real life relationships apart also is something kiana sorta needs to hear. the lyrics of the song itself talk about an all consuming type of relationship, and dissects it to explain how it wasn’t love, but worship, which was dangerous to them both. it’s a song that kiana perhaps would need to take to heart, but i, as her mun, am unsure if she ever will. that depends on the connections she forms, and what types of people are goading her on, or trying to get her to stop

[kittypurritto]

Tagged by @the-sassiest-trixster thank you bb, I love these >3<

name: Emily (you can call me Em)

pronouns: she/her/hers

star sign: Taurus 

height: 5′6″

time: 10:08pm

birthday: May 19th

nationality: I was born in Canada. My father is Irish and Scottish, and my mother is Polish and Ukrainian. I consider myself to be these as well :)

fave bands/groups: oh jeez, so many.. Day6, Yorushika, Three Days Grace, Rise Against, BLACKPINK, Of Monsters and Men... I could go on

fave solo artists: Also so mannnyyy.... LiSA, Zhou Shen, Ben Platt, Kenshi Yonezu, dodie, Hozier. I could go on forever aha

song stuck in your head: not really a song, rather a piano piece: Reminiscence by Johannes Bornlöf

last movie you watched: I love watching bad movies and I found a movie called “Big Ass Spider.” It was actually so much better than it has any right to be. It was hilarious and actually pretty good.

last show you binged: I just finished a binge re-watch of Community. Love that show sfm.

when you created your blog: holy shit. I just checked on postlimit.com and it told me I created my tumblr in 2010. I’m a dinosaur guys!!

the last thing you googled: bongo cat Africa (it was faster than opening youtube aha)

other blogs: none

why I chose my url: Let me tell you that my blog has been through SEVERAL name changes since 2010. I think about 5 or 6. My last blog name, EndlesslySherlocked, was made when my obsession with BBC Sherlock was at its peak and the hiatus memes were ever present. I started blogging more c/k dramas and found it strange to lure people in with my old name to a blog that doesn’t post about that topic as much anymore. So, I changed my name to the current; it’s my gaming URL that I use for everything else.

how many people are you following: 633 lovely blogs 

how many followers do you have: 4,276 beautiful people <3

average hours of sleep: lmao uhm what’s that? Usually like 5-6ish. Sometimes less when my anxiety wakes me up by force :)

lucky numbers: 3

instruments: that I play? lol none. I want to learn some tho.

what I'm currently wearing: pjs <3 My Ravenclaw pants are my favourite because they have pockets

dream job: Forensic psychology is my top choice, or using my current field (behaviour psychology) with individuals suffering from trauma and PTSD.

dream trip: Japan. I want to go during the cherry blossom festivals and stay for a month and a half

fave food: ahhhhh this is so hard to choose just one.... shit.. I can’t do it. So I’ll list a bunch of foods I’d rather die than live without: spring rolls, tacos, potatoes (in all its godly forms), bread (lmao basic ik but honestly, it’s the best), pasta, chickie nuggies.....

fave song: Can’t pick, head empty. I like too many.

top 3 fictional universes you'd like to live in: ouuuuu good question. I’d love to live in the realm of The Witcher 3. That game was absolutely gorgeous and I adore The Continent. The second world I’d love to be a part of is literally any wuxia drama. I am HERE for it. I want to be a badass bitch that knows how to fight and I want Qi skills to fight with aha. Lastly, I’d love to live in Middle Earth. idgaf what war they’re in. bring it on. I’d kill to be a Tolkien elf in Rivendell.

No pressure tagging: @vyther15 @randomingoftherandomness @dangermousie @creepergurl112 @balancethehourglass @xxsammiiexx @ladymusashi and @ anyone else who wants to do this <3

[thefigureinthecorner]

me? making a joan playlist? it’s more likely than you think

i’ve been working on a lot of playlists and a lot of them are actually done already, i’m just posting them as i make covers for them. also, this particular drawing of joan was taken from a previous drawing, and if you know where it’s from then :)

playlist notes under the cut

for no one- the beatles: yeah i 100% just stole this one off lauren’s playlist. i’m not the biggest beatles fan honestly, but i like this song, and holy shit it fits joan so well imo. my playlists are usually based more off what songs remind me of the character rather than what they’d actually listen to, bc that’s what helps me really get into drawing them, but this song fits both categories so hell yeah

talk to me- cavetown: this one was recommended by someone on the fan discord; You don't have to be a prodigy to be unique/You don't have to know what to say or what to think/You don't have to be anybody you can never be/That's alright, let it out, talk to me

guiltless- dodie: another recommendation from the discord; Oh, but I'm not bitter, I'm just tired/No use getting angry at the way that you're wired/A dark politician will end up alone/And I could never let you know/And now I'm the one who can't let go

daniel in the den- bastille: a joan vs the am song: And you thought the lions were bad/Well they tried to kill my brothers/And felled in the night/By the ones you think you love/They will come for you

bad blood- radical face: like 90% of my playlists have radical face songs and this is no exception. this is another joan vs the am song, to me, but more tired than angry and bitter: Took a river of bad blood/But now I see where we came from/Can't grow a proper branch when half the trunk is rotten/And you swore that it hurt you/While pushing your knife through/Well you can save your breath/I know, we're not the kind you'll pray for

a rose for emily- the zombies: i found this song because of s-town which i found because of a post on lauren’s blog saying owen would probably listen to that podcast and cry over it, and that’s completely irrelevant, but i had the song stuck in my head and had this oh shit moment bc of can't you see/There's nothing you can do?/There's loving everywhere/But none for you/Her roses are fading now/She keeps her pride somehow/That's all she has protecting her from pain

sympathy for the martyr- straylight run: this one’s a lot angrier than most of the songs, i think, but it reminded me of joan so much that i couldn’t not put it on the playlist. like, honestly it’s the whole song that fits here, especially after listening to the am archives. i mean i’m p sure she’s literally called a martyr at least twice in tama, so

innocent- taylor swift: listen. regardless of how i might feel about taylor swift in general this song?? is joan. like, down to the fucking age that’s referenced in the song. i can’t choose specific lyrics because they’re all good.

today will be better, i swear!- stars: this feels like joan at the end of the bright sessions, to me. it’s got kind of this tired optimism, like, things have been terrible for a very long time, but they’ll be better. they’ll improve, even if she has to make them improve.

[hmajorgirl]

so here I am for old times sake. it’s been 5 years and a lot has changed. but i’m kinda still the same. maybe my inner monologue doesn’t sound as self-assured as it did when I was 15. maybe i don’t romanticise the shit out of every 2 second eye contact i make with cute strangers. maybe i don’t grammar well anymore because i think it’s a cute look. Oh wow. so much of the world has changed. facial recognition, instagram shops, the pandemic... so many new songs i play on repeat until i’m sick of them. i’m a lot less motivated than i was before, and i’m ashamed to admit that. i have smile lines. i feel more and more defeated everyday (actually, we’re trying to work on this). but yh the sad emo vibes never quite dissipated like i dreamed they would, i felt so betrayed by the order of things and the way of the world that i lost a lot of hope. gave up on myself (a bit... a lot sometimes). but other times, it’s gucci. i feel like i’m definitely more cringe than cheesy now. not sure if that’s a good thing, pretty sure it’s not. 

hmm. what hasn’t changed? still unfortunately in love with love, but i can mostly see the difference between real life and the cute shit that happens in my head. i’m learning to have faith, to trust. to start living life and exist in the same dimension as other people because even though it sucks, it’s better than existing alone in your head. i realised that studying will only get you a quarter of the way to things and unfortunately stopped that shit. it wasn’t a good idea because i didn’t pick anything else up. i’m still writing songs. still singing them badly. BUT my singing has improved marginally:) i still love my parents, family is all good (touch wood). still a bit too impressionable but we’re working on building a stronger willpower and independence. still love taylor swift. still want to run away to the creative industry. still want to runaway sometimes (in general). I still write! sometimes. wow, i guess some things really just don’t change. 

The good? Hmm my eyes have been opened to the multi-dimensions of wealth and inequality and cultural differences that exist in the world. I am thankful for that and didn’t know that money could buy so much. but simultaneously feel disheartened that the discrepancy is so large between people at birth. inequity is real and idk how i feel about that because i really believed in the natural justice system. and then I was so caught up in these feelings of betrayal and injustice that i forgot that i am lucky enough to have the opportunity to change things. I forgot about it for 5 years and now it feels like it’s too late. i know it’s not. 

that was a digression. 

the good. okay. hmm discovered korean dramas and the mastery that is cinema and how it evokes emotions through stories and idk that’s just a piece of my soul coming together. i work out occasionally. sadly i stopped dance but i’m vowing to sign up for classes once i have the money. i got a spotify membership and spend my days making playlists for myself and it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I really hate how my inner core is so soft and romantic, it’s not fit for the capitalist society that we’re living under. i have friends, i like them, they like me. there is a guy, maybe. there were a few guys actually. i’m not sure how long this one is going to be around for GAHHH omg imagine if i re-read this in five years time and i’m laughing at myself because he screwed me over so bad idk. i have bad self-esteem issues. i am kinda joking, kinda not. okay, i like him but let’s move onto another topic. i’m trying my best to adult and be honest with my feelings and approach things with feigned maturity to mask my pre-teen thoughts. let’s leave it at that:)

i remember that taylor said that the lucky one was the hardest song to write for the red album. because it was solely about her and her life. no guys (apart from the second verse but okay that’s not central to the song). it’s the same for me. i don’t want to talk about the direction of my professional life because it scares me more than messing my life up romantically. for now, i’m beginning to see the role of passion and interest in work and it’s importance. I’m trying my best to walk towards that direction because i know that ultimately i want a career that I would love to work overtime for. but i’m still trying to balance the scales between what i want and the confinements of reality. i need to make money. sometimes it feels like an either or kind of situation and i don’t know what to do. but maybe this is just standard 20 year old thoughts. okay but we have 2 months left of uni so i’m going back to studying. i hope that when i look back on this i would have a 2:1 bachelors (but let’s be honest we want a first) 

some final thoughts for 25 year old me because why not make your tumblr a time-capsule? dodie-style. 

what are you listening to right now? I’m listening to 21 by gracie. Are you seeing anyone? Honestly, I don’t see you in a steady relationship because i feel like your self-esteem will get in the way of things - either that or you get your shit together and focus on your career too much. I hope it’s the latter. I hope family is all well and healthy. call them. right now, if you’re not living with them. DEAR GOD PLS don’t still be living with them. OH GOD DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FLAT/HOUSE?? where are you by the way? london? what are you doing right now career-wise? how’s it going? is it what you want to do? does it fit in with your life plan? please tell me you have a life plan by now. i hope i’m proud of you. i hope you’re working hard. how are you? really? are you rich enough to afford therapy and weekly spin/pilates sessions? what’s up with your social circle? are you still writing? ARE THERE DRONES EVERYwhere? How’s chloe? Elizabeth? Jason? Update me, what happened with the guy - i want to hear a story. do you cook now? did you manage to turn your personality type from a 2/9 enneagram to a 3? bitch we gonna work on this. do you still write songs? can you sing? you don’t have kids right lmao pls no god help us. what’s your yearly salary post-tax? did you start dancing again? did you start to learn piano again? what happened with the pandemic? how long were you quarantined for? do you still make spotify playlists haha? what tv series are you currently binging? do you hate me? please tell me your still blogging ur life on ur private instagram. how many followers do you have now? who are you having conversations right now with on facebook? what are your colleagues like? are you less people orientated now that you’ve realised that they cannot provide you with the love that you are depriving yourself of from yourself? DO YOU READ? are you the perfect health-freak, ig-girl, smart business woman, go-getter in her white suit at the glass media company that you dreamed about being at those dark spin sessions? GOD IMAGINE. I hope you are but i don’t have faith right now. pls tell me you don’t teach (or you teach and ur salary is insane in a good way). are you a journalist? you didn’t go into consulting right? did you study again after uni? are you the screenwriter that you’ve dreamed about? did your poetry account blow up and now you’re a full time poet? I still kinda hope you work at a nice glass office (brand consulting, advertising, media, journalism) and wear cute coords suits to work. and i hope you’re writing on the side because it’s who you are. I hope you’re reading lots and I hope you’re super smart and switched on. I hope you’re memory has improved a lot. I hope you’re in love, I hope he loves you back and I hope you know that too. I hope you have a great and healthy relationship with your parents and see your extended family and grandparents often. I hope everyone is healthy and I hope you took your parents to duck and waffle like you wanted (don’t do it when you’re poor though). I hope you’re taking care of your health and eating well. I hope you’re still dreaming in a realistic way. I hope you have great mentors and a supportive friend group. I hope you’re living your best life. re-read the defining decade. but i hope you don’t reminisce to much anymore and don’t write too many songs because you’re 25, time to break out the novel shit. I hope you’ve travelled alot. I hope you spend a few more summers in china falling in love with life and yourself again. how is your chinese? are you still a romantic? tell me, have you changed, if at all? do you read the news? are you less cynical about yourself and more realistic or less optimistc about the world? I hope you are. contingencies are important.

are you excited for the future? I hope you are. if not, please change, you have time, all you need is faith and diligence. hope you’re holding up well. Me? at 20? I’m excited about what my 25 year old self is going to be like, like i was excited to see what my gcse results were going to be like. I hope the results are the same. work hard. i love you. hope you love yourself more. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. have faith. :) i can’t do much for you, but i hope i did a lot to get to where you are right now. hoping is useless, i’m going to work now. 

take care x

[willowthewispp]

Thank you @jwilliambyers for tagging me to answer these questions! It only took me like three weeks and I’m finally ready to massively overshare lmao, so BRACE YOURSELVES I GUESS! Here we go:

Nicknames: i don’t reeeeally go by any nicknames irl- my name is Victoria and with the exception of like, 2 people, pretty much everyone calls me that (other than the weird inside joke type nicknames with my closest friends (in high school I was “existential walrus”, because obviously that makes sense (?!?!?)))

Real name: 👀

Zodiac sign: Aries

Height: 5’7”

Current time: ok so I’ve been writing this post on and off for like a million years and keep changing this answer lmao but as I am posting this it is 11:51pm

Fav musicians: dodie, Orla Gartland, Taylor Swift, Conan Gray, Ben PLATT

Favourite sports team: when I was a kid I would watch all of my hometown hockey team’s games and get very invested every season but I don’t really follow sports much anymore

Other blogs: noooop just this one!

Do I ever get asks: A few times and all of them have made my heart go 🥺🥺🥺🥺 because you guys are too kind and I can’t dEAL with it

How many blogs do I follow: 201

Tumblr crushes: you are all Extremely Neat, but here are a few of y’all that hold a special place in my heart for being especially cool to me :’) @iamleavingthisfandom @jwilliambyers @gangsterscraft

Lucky number: six because when I was six years old my first grade class was in room six and I won a t-shirt (of the previously mentioned hockey team!) because I picked the number six

What I’m wearing right now: a Six the musical (holy shit, coincidence? I think not) t-shirt with a blue flannel shirt on top

Drink of choice: i am a slut for chocolate milk😳 (I’m literally a child?) but I mean usually I just drink water (hydration is cool kids)

Dream car: uhhhhhhhhhh one that drives?

Dream vacation: oh boy so many places but ideally anywhere where I can just be quiet and absorb some peace in nature, maybe in a cottage by an ageless forest with massive trees and squirrels to befriend and a babbling brook next to a blackberry bush brimming with berries that I could tenderly pick and eat with warm custard (wowie the escapist fantasy really jumped out there- can you blame me though?)

Favourite food: oatmeal cookies? (severely underrated. JUST oatmeal, no raisins or chocolate chips or anything. don’t get me wrong they have their place just not in my oatmeal cookie!) also pumpkin pie omg

What languages do I speak: English and French, plus a little German I guess (I have been trying to learn it for almost three years but I’m no where near fluent. I’m working on it though!)

Instruments: I played piano when I was a kid but never got suuuuper good at it because I stopped lessons when I was about 12. I also played clarinet for three years in middle school but stopped in high school because I started taking vocal music instead. If the vocal chords count as an instrument I guess that is my FAVOURITE one- I loved those classes and now I sing in my university’s choir! AND FINALLY I started learning the guitar last summer but I am juuuuuuust a beginner so probably won’t be booking gigs anytime soon

Celebrity crushes: mmmmmmmaya hawke and like, cole sprouse I guess👁👁? those are probably the closest I’ve gotten to celebrity crushes, i mean it’s more like, “oh wow they are neat! I like listening to them talk and watching them act (or whatever they do), and I respect them and what they do and I wish I could be their friend. But then I realize that the reason I want to be this person’s friend is that through listening to and observing them from a distance, I have created this illusion of closeness- while in reality any random person on the street could be just as cool, it’s just so much harder to see that possibility because you haven’t gotten any glimpse into the random stranger’s life and personality. What I’m saying is that it kind of unsettles me that celebrities are so easy for us to latch onto and idolize, simply because so much of them is already out there for us to see. I feel like the media really puts them on this pedestal, when in reality they just people! Idk man, I’m almost certainly over analyzing this and I should have just stuck with saying Maya Hawke is Cool and Pretty Lady and Cole Sprouse is Funny and Artsy Man and I think that is Attractive™️, but now I’ve gone and written this so it’s here to stay

Random fact: this has been sitting in my notes for several weeks (oops) because I DON’T WANT TO HALF ASS THESE QUESTIONS and apparently I would rather write an essay on the sociological basis of celebrity crushes than just answer the questions like a reasonable person. C’est la vie I guess!

Tagging: @iamleavingthisfandom @gangsterscraft only if you want to! and feel free to take three weeks if you need to lmao

[mollywillbewatchingyou]

Getting to know me

I was tagged by the lovely @dragonslover98 ♥

Name: Marja

Nicknames: My sister calls me Mar sometimes

Zodiac: Aquarius

Height: 168 cm, which is 5′6″

Languages: Dutch, Frisian, English, a little bit of German and like five sentences in French

Nationality: Dutch

Favourite season: Spring (but i also really love summer)

Favourite flower: I love me some violets, they come in many different sizes and colours.

Favourite scent: The smell of pine trees when you walk through a forest

Favourite fictional character: sdhfdkhs i don’t have a favourite! I love so many different characters from so many books, films and TV series.

Coffee, hot tea, or hot chocolate?: Tea!! I love me some good tea! And besides i don’t like coffee and hot chocolate

Average sleep: I’d say around 8 hours, in the weekends maybe 9.

Dogs or cats?: Cats!!! I love my cats so much!! But dogs are alright too i guess

Number of blankets: I have two duvets on my bed!

Dream trip: Honestly there are so many countries and places i want to visit! Right now i would love to be in a cottage in the woods and go hiking, visit old villages and sit by the fire.

Blog established: July 2015

Random fact: I love to do peoples hair but I don’t like people doing mine

Gender: Female

Current time: 17:09

Favourite artists: Taylor Swift, Kacey Musgraves, Sigrid, dodie, Harry Styles, the Beatles and BTS

Stuck in my head: My Time by Jungkook from BTS

Last movie I saw: Pride and Prejudice (2005)

Last thing I Googled: Boer Zoekt Vrouw (lol a tv program in the Netherlands)

Other blogs: None

Do I get asks?: Almost never

Reason for URL: I brainstormed with my friend about URLs and came up with this one because im a fan of Sherlock. Back in high school my nickname from that was Molly. And for the ‘will be watching you’ part,, that’s from the song: Every Breath You Take by the Police, because Silke said I stalked her.

Followers/following:  Im following 120 blogs and I have 59 followers

Lucky number: Uuuhh I don’t really have one,,

Currently wearing: Comfy socks, jeans, a sweater and a scarf

Dream job: I would love to find a job with my studies in forest and nature management where I work on nature conservation and climate adaptation. 

Favourite foods: I do love me some Dutch dishes like stimpstamp and kibbeling, but i also love pizza, gyros and shoarma.

Instruments: In primary school i learned to play the recorder hshdhfhsd but I haven’t done that in a while soo im not that good.

Favourite song: I don’t have an all time favourite song, but at the moment it’s We Are Bulletproof: the Eternal by BTS. I just love the message of the song♥

Thank you for tagging meeee! Everyone who feels like doing this, be my guest!

[a-cai-jpg]

I feel like this is to assure myself and no one else.

It has recently come to my attention that real people actually read this blog. 

That sounds a little stupid, given that I religiously advertise it on both Snapchat and Instagram, but there was a part of me that assumed it would fly over the heads of most (see: all) people. And it's inherently contradictory, but I did not think a Real Person would take time out of their lives to read my utterly irrelevant musings.

I am terribly grateful to my friends and then some for deeming me important enough to click into this site. I am thankful for their validation when they don't just do it silently, lurking amidst the sans serif. One quoted my own words back at me in ALL CAPS, another sent me a video zooming in on my disgruntled face on the sidebar, and more mention it casually in passing conversation, jolting me into the reality that yes, this is A Thing.

But as I laid in bed and typed up the post two days ago, I'm suddenly reminded of why I rarely made my writing public.

I sound like an ungrateful little shit, and I'm truly happy whenever someone mentions The Thing (i just don't like the word blog), and I want to share The Thing with the world because it's a little scary thinking about how all your time and effort and words and emotion could be lost somewhere in the void, like an unread letter that's wandered off the post-trail, but.

Writing digs into the most vulnerable flesh of your heart and mind. I recently saw a quote, "We are writers, my love. We don't cry, We bleed on paper." And there are variations of this quote from others: "I don't think all writers are sad. I think it's the other way around: all sad people write;" "I didn't write it down to build a poem. I wrote it down because that is what I do with the things that unravel me. I drag them across a page."

I don't mean for this to take a maudlin turn, but writing is a salve for aches in the soul. I'm by no means a writer, but I like to think I write (s/o to my soulmate, jackson wang, who said, "i'm not a rapper...i just rap). And sometimes, sharing what I've "dragged across the page" is turning my skin inside out.

I'm definitely more comfortable with sharing my vulnerability through words on a sheet of paper (or words on a WordPad document) than through words spoken to another Real Person. 

In my junior year of high school, I sat in a hotel room in Sacramento with words stuck behind my clenched teeth. It was the most peculiar feeling, like if I loosened my jaw, I would vomit the words from my chest and they would tumble off the bedsheets and onto the floor, staining the hotel carpet. But the tension never snapped, and I scrawled them onto a torn sheet of paper instead.

Even now, I express the deepest parts of my emotions through letters. I think a large part of it is because I don't want to see the emotions unfold on someone's face. It's not that I don't want to see them, but I don't think I--this emotionally constipated individual--am capable of responding to them in a way that's not, "Uh. Yeah. Okay. Lol bye." And I feel like that's just not appropriate or sufficient in some circumstances. Better to just avoid the potentially awkward situation.

(yes this is not the most mature way to deal with emotions but spare me the lecture.)

And so, when I am writing, and not saying words at someone's face, I pull out the most intimate intricacies of my heart and twist them into phrases and sentences. And I like to do it without a filter.

But when I was writing these past few days, I was conscious of an audience. I began crafting sentences through the lens of what would this specific person think of this and oh my god what if this person reads this and fuck it ok just kidding we can't just fuck it sos. It was a dangerous balance between editing and re-editing and declaring, "Fuck the world, I write for me, and I'm going to write recklessly and with abandon."

This the main crux of the problem: there is me, the person that you know and talk to and maybe have grown up with, and then there is me, the person who spits words out onto The Thing. And sometimes the two me's mesh perfectly like a pattern overlaid on another to produce an image, and sometimes they don't. 

It's kind of like when you go clubbing with a childhood friend for the first time, and you've only known them as the youth group-going, favorite child of all Asian parents, and then y'all are in the club and damn okay they just took seven shots in a row. 

(I'm not speaking from personal experience.)

There is a moment of reckoning when you try to reconcile two facets of a person.

(Or maybe this is a me problem, but bear with me here.)

A few months ago, I took a trip with two of my closest friends to San Diego, to visit the college town where one of them spent four incredibly formative years. It was fun and beautiful and very, very disorienting, because in my egocentric point of view, I had forgotten that we lived these four years separately. Suddenly, he was introducing to me a different life, a different history that I wasn't part of, and I couldn't help but feel like I was sitting in the passenger seat of a stranger's car, listening to a crude imitation of a familiar playlist.

The feeling began somewhere on the 5 freeway, when he navigated the unfamiliar lanes with a practiced ease, and swelled as the sun set and he told stories about Mount Soledad and him and his friends.

And it was weird, because I felt like an intruder, even though I had been invited into his memories, and the unease took shape as silence and stilted words until he asked, "Are you okay? You seem weird." And the feeling was spilling onto the back of my hands as I gripped the skirt of my dress, but I couldn't beat it into words, so I unclenched my fists and fastened my seatbelt and choked out a, "Nah, I'm just tired."

I think I'm still in the process of working through this reckoning. It doesn't happen for all of my friends, and it's not always so discomforting. Sometimes, I scroll through Instagram pages with a sort of curious hunger to fill the years I’ve missed, and other times, I take the new information, file it as: Yeah okay, I could've predicted that. But then, there are the times where I can only search someone's face in silence, lump in my throat as I rewind our histories and try to find where one of them snagged and became out of sync.

The different facets of the self should, all in all, unveil the most authentic self. The more you get to know a person, the more you really know a person. I imagine it like you're building a three-dimensional sculpture, and with each new piece of information, you add another bit of plaster to it. Yet, I sometimes lose sight of what I'm trying to build, and when I see the blueprint again, I realize I've veered wildly off course. It's scary, every time I run into a moment like this, because it's like the person I knew, the friend I've had for a decade, was actually just someone I created in my mind, a person who overlapped at the edges with the Real Person, but ultimately, were not the same. And when the illusion disappears, I'm left with a stranger.

I'm exaggerating, but.

I'm a little scared this is what you will feel as you read this. I'm scared there will be no separation between the writer and the writing, and although writing reveals the deepest, most intimate parts of a person, is it really the authentic self? It's only a slice, a slice I had cut with carefully chosen words.

So I want to assure you, if you are someone like me who thinks they view the world on a wide-angle lens but really, only through a slit, and you are someone like me who reels when the cover is yanked away and you're left staggering through the new vista, that every sentence is a part of me, but who you know and who you talk to and who you message is a larger piece of me. And maybe we will never get to know each other fully, because that kind of privilege is saved for but a few, that doesn't make either of us any less authentic.

I sometimes wonder what character development looks like in the real world. When I was a sophomore in high school, I cringed so hard when my favorite English teacher tried to use my essay as an example in class that he almost immediately pulled it out from underneath the Elmo projector and used someone else's. In freshman year of college, I wanted to join a creative writing club, but after realizing that I wouldn't be able to submit my work for peer-editing anonymously, I banished that notion. Yet, for some reason, in my senior year, I decided I wanted to take a fiction writing course. On the day of my first workshop, my hands shook so much that I had to sit on them to stop trembling.

In the beginning of the class, I, myself, had a very difficult time separating the writing from the writer. I think especially in an intro class, students use facets of their own life to create fiction. I think even advanced writers do the same, because ultimately everything you write is you. And I did my fair share of speculation--why did she write about a sibling rivalry does she have a sister, hey did this guy study abroad in hong kong with you because he wrote about that, and huh i wonder if she grew up in florida this is beautiful.

It's the kind of speculation we do with the Greats. Did Shakespeare write Hamlet for his son, Hamnet? Who was Sonnet 18 written for? Was Shakespeare gay? Because see, in this one bit, he wrote.....

(i was a very bored AP lit student ok)

It's the same kind of speculation my friend did when she finished listening to a new song by Crush and said, "Oh, he must be dating." Or the speculation all the YouTube comments had when Jon Cozart and Dodie Clark released duo songs titled "Tourist: A Love Song from Paris" and "a non love song from nashville." It's the kind of speculation you do when you are given a slice of someone's soul, and suddenly, you want to understand the whole thing.

But that kind of scrutiny is uncomfortable. We're okay with doing it to Shakespeare, because the dude's dead. We're okay with doing it to big name artists because hello, Crush is not going to hear my friend talking about him. We're less okay with doing it in the public realm of YouTube comments because they are read by the content creators who explicitly said, "pls don't speculate." We are even less okay with doing it to our peers, and we are not okay with other people doing it to us. Okay, maybe I should just speak for myself.

My trajectory in that fiction writing class was backward. My first story was about a white male living in New Jersey. My last story was about a Chinese American woman who used to live in the suburbs of Los Angeles.

It wasn't planned.

It's as if my subconsciousness drew up barriers the minute I stepped into that classroom, and wrote a story as far removed from who I am as possible. 

Because really, who is going to think that the gas jockey with a hunger for divine power is me?

(sike.)

But I guess character development is becoming okay with vulnerability and with potential speculation, and as I wrote, I began writing closer and closer to the heart, pulling the words from the east coast to the west.

When the last workshop rolled around, I was calm, sitting at one of those awful, plasticky chairs with tiny, useless desks attached to one arm. I was neither defensive nor uncomfortable, like I thought I would be, just at peace and humbled as I listened to my classmates discuss the craft of my writing.

And I think that's the ultimate lesson: once you write something, or create something, and release out into the wild, it no longer belongs to you. It's an argument I used to make in my art history class, but it's an argument that John Green often makes when his readers ask him about the meaning behind his books.

I don't quite mean it like he does, when he says, "Books belong to their readers." I think that before the writing is consumed by the reader, it is its own entity, existing independently of both writers and readers. And when it is eventually taken up by the reader, the writer shouldn't feel a sense of possessiveness or vulnerability or fear about the content.

And shit, that really fucks up my other thing about trees falling in forests but anyways.

There are a load of other things I have to consider when suddenly, the dumb spools of thoughts in my brain become free content for the Internet. Like, privacy rights? Am I allowed to talk about this one thing my unnamed friend said, but wait, you can definitely tell who it is, oh fuuuuuu-. At what point is it oversharing? Do I get to decide the line between okay and TMI, or does me declaring that I am writing this for myself mean there is no line?

But, in the end, I just want to say thank you.

I’m really used to, as I’m sure many people are, presenting just one facet of my whole self to people. Every individual has a number of different roles, and each role comes with its own set of rules and norms. The sociological part of me says that this discomfort I’m feeling has a lot to do with the breaking down of norms. There is a certain playbook people go by when they lower their barriers, but this circumvents that.

And honestly, maybe I’m just thinking too much into it and all of this is for naught, but it was cathartic writing this all out, even if I had to take two very lengthy breaks to get my thoughts in order.

(just kidding, one of them was to watch Kingdom season 1).

There are so many things I am grateful for, and I fear that in the past week, I have been battling bad vibes and have forgotten how incredibly privileged I am.

So, here is List 16 of The 52 List Project (that my friend made me start legit in 2016 and I'm still on list 17)

List 16: List your Essentials 1. Family & Friends ✔ 2. Affirmation & Love ✔ 3. Achievement ✔ 4. Happiness ✔ 5. Hope & Dreams ✔ 6. Phone ✔ 7. ID/Card holder ✔ 8. Plush blankets ✔ 9. Stuffed animals ✔ (so many!) 10. Inspiration from a boy on skates ✔ (see: hope & legacy) 11. Good music ✔ (i gotchu fam, here's ur r&b fix) 12. Good books ✔ (go check out a book)  13. Good conversations ✔ 14. Thoughts ✔ 15. Creativity ✔ 16. Music ✔ 17. Possibilities ✔

[today-only-happens-once]

With Great Power - Chapter 4

Title: With Great Power – Chapter 4

First Chapter | Previous Chapter | AO3

Fic summary: Thomas Sanders is just a regular social media personality. But when he gets bit by a spider during filming one of his YouTube videos, his whole life is about to turn upside down—whether he (or the aspects of his personality) want it to or not. Platonic LAMP/CALM + Character!Thomas. Spider-Man AU.

Chapter Word Count: 3377

Chapter warnings: mention of death, panic attack, lying, cursing, nausea, dizziness, risky and unsafe behavior (and encouragement of it)

A/N: Hi hello it’s been too long. But the Big Deal Real Life Time Sucking Thing has been turned in and hopefully I will have some more free time on my hands. ^u^ This chapter had some surprises for me as a writer, so I hope you find it enjoyable! Edited by yours truly, so all mistakes are mine.

Tags: @captain-loki-xavier, @human-dictionary @the-peculiar-bi-tch @mining-pup @band-be-boss-blog @asexual-trashbag @samathekittycat @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @theobsessor1 @always3charcoaltea @changeling-ash @logical-princey @crimsonshadow323 @flickering-raven @smokeyrutilequartz @dontbugmeimantisocial @soijusthavetoask @marvelfangeek09 @princelogical @creativenostalgiastuff @vigilantvirgil

…

Later that night, Thomas lays on his bed in the dark and stares up at the flat ceiling of his bedroom. Dodie’s newest EP floats through the air softly—he’d turned it on with the perhaps hypocritical hope that listening to his friend’s music would help him feel better about avoiding, well… his friends.

Once the news started showing stills of him in his scarf and sweatshirt—most of them mercifully blurry—with the anchors musing about who the stranger may be, Thomas had switched off the TV. He really wished they’d focus more on the kid, or even the guys that tried to take him. Anything but their apparent crusade to identify “Spider-Man”.

Turning off the TV, unfortunately, did very little to assuage the churning in his stomach. The events of the day flashed through his mind in broken fragments. The woman crying out for her kid, the wide and fearful eyes magnified by the glasses on the kid’s nose looking at him through the rear windshield, the snarl of contempt from the driver of the vehicle…

Thomas sighs and scrubs a hand across his eyes. The alarm clock on the nightstand politely informs him that it’s nearly 2 in the morning. He wonders bitterly if there is anything more frustrating than being utterly exhausted and still unable to sleep. His body feels like lead but his mind is still running through the events of the day like a highlight reel.

“This isn’t working,” he mutters aloud to himself. He takes a breath as if it will ease the churning in his stomach. Closing his eyes, he reaches through his mind with the probing thought.

Virge?

A sigh that isn’t exactly Thomas’s own echoes in his head. Yeah, Thomas, comes Virgil’s voice, sounding unsurprised. One sec.

The host opens his eyes again and blinks at the ceiling that he’d been stuck to just earlier this morning. Was that really just this morning? It felt like a lifetime ago. Dodie’s “Monster” gives way to “Arms Unfolding” but it’s little comfort alone in the dark. A moment later, Thomas hears the familiar whoosh and glances over to see Virgil standing beside his bed. His hood is pulled up over his purple hair and his hands are shoved deep into the pockets of his patched hoodie.

It’s hard to see his eyes in the dark under the hood and shaggy bangs, but from the slight duck to his head, Thomas knows he’s avoiding his gaze.

The internet personality sits up and rakes his fingers through his hair. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“I’m getting the feeling that you need to talk.”

Virgil lifts a noncommittal shoulder. “Logan already tried.” He nudges sock-clad feet against the Virgil 2.0 sweatshirt in a heap on the floor. Tension is etched carefully into every crevice of Virgil; evident, even in the dark.

Thomas looks at him patiently, shifting over slightly to make room. “Today was a lot.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Virgil snaps. His gaze flickers up to the vacated space on the bed. He sits gingerly on the very edge of it, as if he’s ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.

“So talk to me.”

Another long pause. It’s filled only with the soft, melodic sound of Dodie’s voice and the background whir of the apartment’s AC unit. The glow of the alarm clock’s red numbers does little in the way of light, and the darkness of the room so late at night seems to only amplify the silence between them. It stretches. For a moment, Thomas thinks Virgil isn’t going to say anything.

Then: “We could have actually, really died today.” Virgil’s words ring crystal clear and heavy in the dark. With it comes a tightening in Thomas’s chest. Virgil continues, the double vocalization leaking into his words. Amplifying them. “And don’t come at me with that ‘cognitive distortions’ crap. Not this time, Thomas. You know I’m right.”

Thomas can feel his heartbeat picking up in his chest and he takes in a deep breath through his nose. He holds it for a second, then releases it slowly through his mouth. He sees Virgil close his eyes as Thomas does it again. Virgil nods a silent thanks.

“But we didn’t,” Thomas replies softly as he feels the wave of panic brought on by that initial realization abates a little.

Virgil scoffs. “That’s kind of beside the point. We were in way over our heads.”

“But it turned out okay in the end.”

“Because we got lucky!” Virgil meets Thomas’s gaze for the first time tonight, his dark eyes cutting sharply through the space between them. “In fact, we got lucky a lot today. Lucky that we stuck to the car. Lucky that we caught the kid when he was about to faceplant into pavement going 45 miles per hour. Lucky that we got off the car when we needed to, that the driver didn’t have a gun or something, that nobody got a decent picture of you. The list goes on!”

Thomas is quiet for a moment, looking at Virgil carefully. At the tight clench to his jaw, the harsh glower from under his bangs, the aggression sketched into the edge of his stare. Thomas softens a little. “You’re right,” he says, and Virgil blinks at him, disarmed at the agreement. “We dove headfirst into a fight that wasn’t really ours in the first place.”

Virgil nods slowly. “Yeah…”

“So…Why?” Thomas tilts his head curiously as he asks.

Virgil arches an eyebrow at him. “What do you mean?”

The host sits up a little more, speaking as his thoughts come to him in a slow progression of understanding. “I mean… you’re my fight or flight, right? You said so yourself.”

Virgil rubs the back of his neck and averts his gaze again, favoring instead to focus on a picture of some of Thomas’s friends he’d had framed on his nightstand. “Right. I… I guess.”

Thomas is watching him closely as the thoughts begin to click into place. “If the fight wasn’t ours in the first place, if we were in way over our head, if the odds were most likely against us… why did you choose fight, Virgil?”

Virgil looks startled for a moment. “I…” the thought is left unfinished.

He huffs a breath and shoves a hand back through his hair. It knocks the hood off his head. Virgil doesn’t seem to notice or has decided he doesn’t care. Thomas doesn’t press him any further. Even in the dark, he can see the flicker of his eyes as he thinks back to that split-second decision.

“Because they were in danger,” Virgil says quietly. Simply. His eyes are abruptly wide. Afraid. “I didn’t think. They were danger, and I just… threw us headfirst into a fight we could have lost.” Thomas feels his chest seize suddenly, alarm surging up his throat as Virgil’s voice takes on a sudden and intense distortion. “You must hate me.”

“Whoa, whoa. No.” His breathing is getting faster. Thomas’s hands fist around the blanket across his lap as if it will ground him. “Virgil, you gotta—” His throat closes up with panic.

“I know! I know. I’m sorry, I—in for four seconds, Thomas.”

Thomas screws his eyes shut and focuses on his breathing. In through the nose for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, out through the mouth for eight. Repeat. Repeat again. Repeat a fourth time. He can hear Virgil breathing slowly with him.

“I don’t hate you,” Thomas says after a few minutes, when he’s felt his heart slowing back down and his throat doesn’t feel as tight. “I’m… actually really proud of you.”

Virgil’s eyes flit back up to Thomas’s. “Yeah?” The distortion is gone, but Virgil sounds smaller somehow.

Thomas smiles faintly. “Yeah. I mean… us running towards danger to help someone else instead of away from it? I’ve always wanted to think that I’d be that kind of person.” He nudges Virgil’s shoulder with his foot. “Now I know I am.”

The corner of Virgil’s mouth quirks for the briefest moment, then it disappears. He looks away. “I’m supposed to protect you, Thomas,” he says. “Running you straight into a fight isn’t exactly keeping you from harm. It’s pretty much exactly the opposite of that.”

“I don’t know about that,” Thomas says gently, thinking back through moments of the fight in the parking lot. His muscles ache slightly from the memory, but something more important sticks out. “I seem to remember a voice sounding an awful lot like yours telling me to duck before I would’ve taken a fist to the face.”

Virgil snorts. “Yeah.” He rubs the back of his neck and glances at Thomas. He makes a face. “Honestly that was a little weird, right?”

“Weird?”

“Yeah. I mean… I don’t even know what made me yell that at you. I just had this sudden, intense feeling that you needed to duck. I didn’t know why.” He shakes his head and shrugs. “It was weird. But I’m kinda glad for it. A bloody nose isn’t exactly a becoming look on you.”

“Huh.” Thomas turns Virgil’s words over in his head for a moment. “Do you think it’s related to all the other, um… weird stuff?”

Virgil looks at him. “I don’t know. It might be?” He sighs. “Though ‘all the other weird stuff’ also hasn’t been helping with the whole…” He waves a hand vaguely.

Thomas huffs a suddenly exhausted laugh, not needing any further explanation from his Anxious Side. “Yeah,” he agrees. “I get what you mean. We don’t know what’s happened to me, or… even what I’m able to do. And that’s…”

“Unsettling,” Virgil finishes for him. Thomas nods.

Distantly, the internet personality hears a car roll by on wet pavement down the street outside of his apartment. His eyes drift around the room, lingering on the corner of his room by the closet. The same place he’d managed to get himself stuck to the ceiling. Maybe figuring some way to have better control—to not stick to walls and ceilings unless he wanted to, like when he stuck to the car—and exploring these new… abilities (powers? Thomas doesn’t know what to call them) would help.  

“Maybe tomorrow,” Thomas says carefully, “we can go… experiment a little. In a controlled environment.”

Virgil’s lips quirk up into a smile. “You sound like Logan.”

Thomas laughs and runs a hand down his face. “Yeah. It’s probably his idea. But what do you think?”

Virgil nods once. “I think it’s a good one.”

“Good.” He pauses as Virgil pushes up from his position on the bed. “Good night, Virgil.”

The Anxious Side gives him a small two-fingered salute as he sinks out. “G’night, Thomas.”

…

Thomas hits the cement floor hard and grimaces at the jarring impact, his shoulder taking the brunt of it. He groans and coughs a little before rolling to his feet. He pushes sweaty bangs out of his eyes and squints up at the window at the very top of the warehouse wall. Dusty, late afternoon sunlight filters through the small window and the piles of shipping containers cast long, dark shadows in the dimly lit building.

Thomas had found the warehouse on the outskirts of Gainesville the morning after his talk with Virgil, and he’d been coming here every day for almost a week. Two days ago, he’d tweeted out that he was feeling under the weather—and texted Joan and Camden about it—and tried to ignore just how much his stomach twisted uncomfortably with the knowledge that he was now lying to his fanbase as much as he was lying to his friends.

He’d been trying not to think about it.

“On a scale from 1 to 10,” Logan’s measured voice cuts into his thoughts, “how would you rate the effect of that impact on your body’s physical capabilities?”

“All right, Baymax,” Roman quips from where he’s leaned against a shipping container. “You could just ask him if he’s hurt, like a normal person.”

Thomas rolls his shoulder a couple of times, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “About the same as every other time I’ve crash-landed this week,” he says lightly. “So a little winded, but nothing that bad.”

Logan quirks an eyebrow from where he stands a few feet away, then jots something down on a clipboard. “Fascinating.”

Virgil sits perched on the top of an unmarked container, chewing on his thumbnail. “We definitely should have broken something that time.”

Patton—who is sitting beside him, his feet kicking back and forth slightly against the container—looks at Thomas worriedly. “You okay, kiddo? That one looked like it hurt.”

Thomas frowns, then rolls his shoulder slowly one more time. Just to be sure. “Yeah, actually.”

“Well,” Logan says, studying the clipboard in his hands. “That just about confirms it. We can include a notable increase in your physical durability on our list of physiological changes your body has undergone as a result of recent catalytic events.”

“Thomas, you’re virtually indestructible.”

“No,” Logan corrects Roman hastily, waving a pen in the Creative Side’s direction. “That would be hyperbole. However, you have certainly demonstrated an unnatural ability to withstand impact that would, under normal circumstances, severely injure any other human.”

Thomas grabs his water bottle from where he’d set it down by Roman’s feet. He nods his understanding, glancing around the warehouse. Truthfully, it was pretty much the perfect place for what he was doing. As far as Thomas could tell, the warehouse was mostly abandoned. Shipping containers were empty, but they provided a number of walls of various heights for Thomas to use for practice. And, perhaps most importantly, there wasn’t a soul around except for himself.

“It’s probably a good thing,” Virgil quips in reference to Logan’s comment, “given how many times you’ve faceplanted into concrete this week.” He holds his hands up in mock surrender at the disapproving look Patton throws at him.

Thomas acknowledges the comment with a brief glance before he surveys the warehouse again. They’d realized his strength level had markedly increased on day 1. Before things had started to change, Thomas couldn’t even do a pull up. Now? Now he could pull himself up onto a ledge with one arm. In fact, he lifted one of the warehouse boxes—weighing several tons, by Logan’s best estimate—like it was a slightly awkward desk.

“Thomas,” Logan interrupts, “what would you say is your fatigue level?”

Stamina was another thing that Logan had been keeping a close eye on. Usually, Thomas could manage a 2 mile run before he’d start to feel the fatigue. But he’d been working out—experimenting? Training? Honestly he didn’t know what to call it—for nearly eight hours each day. And sure, he’d be tired at the end, but there was still a marked difference in Thomas’s stamina level.

“I’m good,” Thomas tells him honestly. “Starting to feel it a bit, but I want to keep going.”

The one thing that continued to be a problem for him, really, was this whole “sticking/not sticking” thing. He was getting better as the days passed—practice makes perfect, as Patton kept telling him—but it wasn’t coming as naturally as the stamina or the strength. He kept falling or slipping. Again and again and again.

Logan hums in thought and writes down something else. “As you wish.”

Thomas’s gaze zeroes in on a stack of shipping containers a few yards away. He bounces on his feet a few times, stretching his neck. He flexes his fingers. His shoulders tense. He breathes in. Out.

He takes off sprinting.

Thomas kicks off the ground as he rushes up to the tower of containers, his hands finding unnatural purchase against their smooth walls. He kicks his feet up against it, grinning a bit to himself as they stick. He huffs a breath.

He climbs quickly as if it’s a ladder—hand, foot, hand, foot—and reaches up for the edge of the top container. He glances down and immediately wishes he hadn’t. At the same time that he realizes just how high up he really is, Thomas feels his feet slip. His hands let go. The ground rushes up to meet him very suddenly.

The wind leaves Thomas’s lungs. He wheezes, coughing in a desperate attempt to get air back. He lays there for a moment, waiting for the world around him to stop spinning. The lighting fixtures set up into the scaffolding of the warehouse ceiling turn briefly into double and triple images. Thomas squeezes his eyes shut, waiting for the high-pitched ringing in his ears to abate.

When he opens his eyes again after a long moment, he sees Roman standing above him. The Creative Side offers a hand, and Thomas accepts it as Roman helps him up to his feet.

“What happened?” Roman asks, walking back with him. “You were almost there.”

Thomas shakes his head without answering. He doesn’t know.

Wordlessly, Thomas turns on his heels once they get back to the starting point and faces the tower of shipping containers again. He breathes. He tenses. His weight shifts forward to the balls of his feet. He takes off running again.

Thomas scales the side of it just like he had before, getting about three quarters of the way up before his hands slip, his feet suddenly letting go. He plummets to the floor again.

“Thomas,” Logan says quietly when the host manages to push back up to his feet and stalk back towards the starting point again.

“He has to do this, Logan,” Roman says with a certain edge to his voice. “It’s not like it’s that hard!”

“Maybe he can’t,” Virgil quips.

“He has to.” Roman’s voice is a little higher than Thomas is used to hearing it. Something about it only spurs him on.

“Roman—” Patton tries, but Thomas doesn’t hear what his Morality is saying as he takes off at a dead run for the stack of shipping containers again.

This time, he feels his fingertips brush the very edge of the top container. Then he slips.

Thomas yelps in surprise, reaching blindly. One hand makes contact with the side of the containers as he slides down, and he feels a sharp pull in his shoulder as the hand sticks, abruptly stopping his fall. He grits his teeth, reaching his other hand up. The first hand lets go before he’s ready, and Thomas falls clumsily the rest of the way.

He lands awkwardly on his feet, the harsh impact bringing him to his knees. It sends a jolt of pain shooting up his body. Thomas falls forward onto his hands and knees, his eyes stinging. He takes a second to catch his breath.

“I think that’s enough for now,” Patton says from a distance, uncharacteristically firm. Thomas can hear a set of footsteps behind him, getting closer.

“Y-Yeah,” comes Roman’s voice, distant. It sounds tight and pained. “Yeah, okay. I’m gonna—” A grunt. “I’m gonna go lay down.”

The footsteps are right behind him now. Thomas hears Logan’s voice speak up from behind him, unusually gentle for the Logical Side. “Breathe, Thomas.”

Perhaps ironically, Thomas doesn’t have the breath to respond. He nods, hating the way his arms feel suddenly like jelly. His exhale is shaky. He bows his head and tries to focus on catching his breath. The concrete is cold and grounding, and Thomas leans so that his forearms and forehead are against the floor. It helps with the lingering dizziness.

After a moment, Thomas pushes himself up so that he’s just kneeling on the floor. Logan is standing in front of him now. The clipboard is gone. The internet personality glances around the warehouse and notices that Roman is nowhere to be seen. Patton stands a few steps behind Thomas, his eyes bright and worried. Virgil stands a few feet back. There’s something unreadable about his expression.

“Are you… all right?” Logan asks.

Thomas takes a deep, slow breath. It doesn’t shake as much. “Yeah,” he says unconvincingly. He pushes himself to his feet.

“It’ll come, kiddo,” Patton says as Thomas brushes past him.

Thomas doesn’t answer as he walks out of the warehouse.

[brutal-out-here]

So its pride month (actually I'm making this on the 31st because I'm 90% sure I'm going to forget or not have time tomorrow to make this) YAY!!!!

So if anyone scrolls through my blog they'd probably think I was straight. Probably due to the fact 90% of the time I'm rambling on about bands lol. So I honestly don't blame anyone if that's what they thought lol

But for anyone who's new around here I'm actually bisexual!! And I'm hella sure of it lol. And the story of how I figured it out was actually short, but here it is:

So before anything, all I knew about was that being gay was a thing. That's it, I didn't know there was anything else. And as someone who only ever obsessed about band members that were guys I knew I wasn't that. But then one of my friends mentioned a Youtuber/singer called Dodie Clark and that I should probably check her YouTube out. At this time I was 12.

And well I did of course. I watch some of her newer videos and some of her songs. I real quickly loved her so much. But then about a week later I found one of her videos that she mentions what bisexuality was and thats what she was. And I'm pretty sure even before the end of the video I was like "that. That is me. Idk how I know, but I do." I just like knew I was somehow.

And literally like a week or two later I ended up making a chapter in my random book on wattpad saying I was bisexual lol. It all happened so fast which looking back on it it's kinda weird lol. I guess I'm one of those people that when they know something that just know that thing.

And flash forward to today Dodie is still one of my girl crushes, so is Jessie Paege, Halsey a little bit, and Billie Eilish(yes I know she's straight). And 8 out of 10 times I go any where I end up seeing a girl I think thats cute.

So yes I have many guy crushes and only a few girl crushes but that doesn't really mean anything at all. I'm not really leaning either way, just depends on the time and day lol.

So there's my story.

Oh wait forgot to mention that the person who plays Brenda in the 2nd/3rd maze runner is also pretty cute lol. Ok I'll shut up now lol

🌈💗💜💙Happy Pride Month Everyone💙💜💗🌈

[quillium]

1, 3, 12, 13, 24??

!!! I didn’t actually expect to get any questions so thank you??? (Also I’m seeing you on my dashboard all the time and can I just say??? You are such a sweetheart. Your blog--especially your ‘five happy things for the day’--always brightens my day.)

1. Favourite fic I wrote this year -- oof, this is tough. I’ve written a lot that I loved this year. I really like all the stuff I did for Spideytorch week because it really pushed me to write while showing me what I was most comfortable with, but for absolute favourite... Probably little black book, my Schitt’s Creek fanfic, because I have the most positive associations with it. Schitt’s Creek is my absolute favourite show because of the powerful way that it portrays love, and little black book was written with a lot of light feelings in my heart. The comments have all been so positive and sweet, so I have absolutely no negative feelings towards that fic. Haha, I kind of rambled for such a straightforward question, sorry.

3. Favourite line/scene I wrote this year -- even harder!!! But hands down that one conversation between Clark and Billy in my YJ fic, discussions. Both Superman and Billy Batson are such absolute sweethearts and it having this conversation--about inheritance, taking responsibility for others, doing good, what it means to be a hero. I’m a Marvel and Batfam writer, so getting to write outside of my usual fandoms was a really lovely change. I also had a lot of cool conversations in the comments about this fic, so that was fun.

12. Favourite character to write about this year -- Cassandra Cain! I spent a lot of this year getting in touch again with my Chinese heritage and having a character like this in comics meant so much to me. Being about to write from her perspective, include bits of myself through little things like food and language--it was really nice.

13. Favorite writing song/artist/album of this year -- Over the entire year, probably either dodie’s If I’m Being Honest or Fuyunohanashi from Given but recently I’ve been adoring IU’s entire Love Poem album! What kind of music do you like?

24. Favorite fic you read this year -- ooh... if favourite fic that I reread this year counts, either audreycritter’s Developmental Milestones (which I saw you read and loved as well, isn’t it so good??? It’s just--the first time I reread it, I think last year, in 2018, I just reread it 5 times straight, and I keep going back to it--it’s just so well done???) or lithos_saeculum’s Poor Wayfaring Stranger (a gorgeous story on what it means to be human--highly recommend). If a fave that I read just this year, then hands down blackkat’s As Is the Sea Marvellous. (I realize this is a Lot considering it only asks for one but aweogsdi I read so much fanfic and all of these are really near and dear to my heart.)

Anyone who wants to answer these can! And if you feel awkward answering without someone asking, just tell me and I’ll send you an ask to answer! I always love talking fandom so please feel free to hmu (with the full understanding, of course, that I procrastinate on everything including conversations that I actively want to have).