#patient’s gf: it’s only as complicated as you make it!

[riverstardis]

shock to the system:

oh that’s weird it does like the build up to the intro but then it cuts out?

oh sebastian grayling i forgot it was time for him

oh there we go there’s the intro

aww elle and dervla

lmaoo elle suggests putting the new f1 on dog sitting duty when he finally arrives and dylan’s like “do you think i’d trust an f1 to look after her?” sjskkf

alicia snuck out before cal woke up😬

elle asks ethan to mentor sebastian because she needs a “good reliable doctor” but says he’s too busy with a ctr review. dylan volunteers to mentor him… you may regret that bestie

elle’s like “but you’re a senior clinician?” since when did the seniors not have mentees?? maybe it depends on whether there are any (named) registrars actually there at the time? maybe it’s a registrar if possible like lily was rash’s mentor but like when paige joined there weren’t any registrars (technically there was matthew but he was paeds) so maybe that’s why she then got a consultant as a mentor? oh and archie was still off after being stabbed when mason started. and iirc alicia was initially meant to be bea’s mentor but ethan ended up taking over? idk how it actually works in real life though

cal bought alicia a toothbrush to keep at his to save her rushing off in the mornings and says he’s free tonight and she says she can’t because she’s washing her hair💀 jeez cal take a hint man

cal walks away looking so thoroughly traumatised that ethan asks him if he’s okay😭😭 he’s like “i’ve just been turned down…” and ethan goes “by a member of the opposite sex? no… WAIT do i hear the walls of jericho falliiing!!” DJSKFKKF

“so this is what it feels like? no wonder you prefer books to girls” 💀💀

ethan’s face falls so fast when he realises cal’s talking about alicia😭 though surely he was also there in the flat while alicia was there with cal?? i suppose he was probably already asleep when they got back, and i’m sure he’s used to cal bringing girls home at all hours

“she stayed over last night but she’s not playing ball today” “it’s not a game is it cal?” “see that’s where you’re wrong, little brother, it is all a game. and it’s a game i really like to win.” urgh🙄

sebastian’s so annoying

oh this actress played yaz’s mum in doctor who!

lmaoo robyn feels lightheaded and jacob catches her and sebastian’s like “hospitals change, nurses don’t” and makes like a drinking motion and jacob turns on him like “are you forgetting that i’m a nurse?”💀💀💀

cal keeps checking out his patient’s girlfriend and louise says to alicia that he’s like a dog on heat but that he doesn’t get that kind of reputation for nothing

cal implies that alicia’s jealous and she’s like “i’m the one who turned you down remember” he’s like “so you were turning me down” and she says it’s just not gonna happen is it “because you’re cal, the guy who sleeps with everyone, who flirts with patients’ girlfriends. men like you are the reason women don’t do relationships.” SJDKKFKG YESSS DRAG HIM

he’s like “wow. well maybe i’m like superman in reverse, take away the disguise and you’ll find clark kent” orrr she could go be with ethan and get clark kent without having to work through an arrogant disguise? she just goes “you wish mate” sjdkfkkf

cal’s clearly starting to actually like alicia at this point but like, if he just hadn’t slept with her in the first place when he knew full well she liked ethan not him he wouldn’t be in this situation would he?

oop cal saying alicia can keep believing that he’s the reason they wouldn’t work but really she would run a mile whoever he was. and asks her when was the last time she was serious about anybody😬

aww alicia’s mum rings her in tears about her dad and alicia’s crying by the end :( and ofc cal has to talk to her “turns out he’s just like every man in my life. but you know what, you’re right. maybe i am a bit messed up. but so would you be if you had two parents going at each others throats and a dad going through a mid life crisis.” “i’m sorry i wasn’t thinking” “yeah. so just do what you’re here to do and stop playing with my head, okay?” :(((

hmm was it sebastian saying “my dad’s gonna kill me” that made dylan consider giving him a second chance?

and then he immediately goes and resuscitates a patient with a dnr😭

ethan says he heard there was nearly a bit of an incident and alicia tells him that cal’s patient thought he was flirting with his girlfriend and ethan says it wouldn’t be the first time and alicia says to cut him some slack because he feels bad about it and ethan makes a jab at her sleeping with cal and says he has enough notches on his bedpost?! jesus christ that came out of fucking nowhere guess he’s hit his limit huh😭

yknow i’m not sure that’s even specifically because of his own feelings for alicia because he did a similar thing with lily when she slept with cal but he only saw lily as a friend, and it wouldn’t exactly fit with the fact that he willingly conceded his awards night ticket to cal because he “knew his place”. i think it’s more to do with him having a friend who he feels is on “his side” who can see through cal’s charm so he maybe feels betrayed when he feels like they’ve “fallen for it”. clearly that’s not healthy😭 get this man some therapy asap

aww seb finds dervla hurt :( he treats her in the staff room🥺

oop the patient’s girlfriend thinks cal and alicia are together and she say’s they’re not but it’s complicated and the gf is like “it’s only as complicated as you make it” and alicia immediately goes to speak to cal nooo bestie don’t listen to her she doesn’t know the full story! you don’t seriously think starting a relationship with someone while knowing full well you have feelings for his brother is going to be anything but complicated, do you?

cal suggests they just be messed up together😭

elle telling dylan how great sebastian was with dervla… maybe he should go be a vet instead of a human doctor?

ohh yeah it’s deffo the ‘arsehole dad’ card that’s winning dylan over

seb tries to hug dylan and dylan goes “there is no physical contact. ever. do you understand?” and seb says yes… dear reader, he did not, in fact, understand

i keep saying that cal must’ve known alicia liked ethan and i do think he did subconsciously at least but i think maybe he didn’t quite want to believe it or something which is why he doesn’t realise what he’s getting himself into? like i would not be surprised if he just couldn’t fathom the idea that any woman would pick ethan over him. the problem is that ethan couldn’t fathom that either😭

[dropout-if]

— being distrustful of the other’s bfs/gfs and Statler (I need to see Noir in action👀)

From this ask game!

Allowing Kai to do groceries often involves a week with an upset stomach—such an excuse is believable enough, especially for those who know your roommate. Truthfully, you know Statler’s shifts at the store like the back of your hand, and you make sure to visit them when you know the fewest customers will show up. Statler’s mind tends to wander, then. They’re more than up to chat for a little while.

Today, as you enter the grocery store, you spot Statler at the checkout counter, typing aimlessly at their phone—frowning. Their ebony skin glows under the harsh store lights, and you can’t help the few spare seconds that your eyes treacherously linger on their focused frame.

You open your mouth to greet Statler when they suddenly stand, cell phone against their ear, and they leave through the back door.

A little confused, you decide to navigate through the aisles, selecting items with casual glances to the list on your phone. It’s not long before you reach the checkout line, where you patiently wait until Statler returns. Their eyes meet yours, and a flicker of surprise registers before their much friendlier mask is back in place.

“Hey,” they greet you, looking a bit tired. Statler places your items on the conveyor belt as always.

You frown a bit, worriedly, “Hey, Statler.”

Statler scans your groceries with practiced efficiency. They ignore their buzzing phone.

“Everything good with you?” you ask, trying to keep your tone casual.

They furrow their brow, and look away sheepishly, “Yeah, just some personal stuff. Nothing to worry about.”

“You sure?”

With a sigh, Statler’s lips curve into a weary smile, “Just— Noir. They… it’s a bit complicated.”

You feel a pang of something in your chest.

“Is that…?” you motion towards their phone.

Statler grimaces—they finish ringing up your items—rubbing a hand over their face, “You know Noir. They— We had a rough night.”

“Again?” you press gently, referring to the frequent ‘rough nights’ Statler—and their partner—have been experiencing lately. You admit, “I’m worried.”

“Oh, don’t be! Noir is okay—”

You clarify, “About you.”

Statler gulps, eyes darting down to your groceries, only to look up at you with a smile that feels much more sincere.

“Thank you,” they say, “I… appreciate that. Sorry— I’m a bit out of it today.”

You bite your lip, struggling with your growing unease, “Statler, you’ve been putting up with a lot. It’s not healthy.”

“I love Noir,” they say—mechanical, well-rehearsed, “And I can handle this.”

“Well—” there’s a lot you want to say, a lot you don’t know how to put into words, and much more that Statler is practically begging you to keep quiet about, “I’m— I’m here for you. And Noir. Both of you, yeah.”

[hollyhomburg]

Loved this chapter, tho mc is so much more patient than I’ll ever be. Id be quite tired of dealing w the packs anger towards me over something that I couldn’t control 😭 like at some point I’d be telling Jin and Hobi to get over themselves. Like did Hobi miss the memo that yoongi claimed her bc she would have died if he didn’t? That she begged him not to? And he says that SHE’S the one complicating things?

I love Hobi and Mc but my patience is so thin w him rn. “I should hate u” no u shouldnt and if u do, go to hell. Love him tho ❤️

(Besides I’d be spilling dirt on all of them like did u know Jimin kills people for a living. Jin is an FBI agent. Y’all were complicated and murky long before I even met yoongi u emotional asshole).

I do enjoy Hobi and Mc getting closer tho. I hope they can talk fr. I’m glad Jin was able to sort out whatever he was feeling. And Jimin and Tae took the damn cake w how sweet they were my goodness. All I can think of is Jimin anxiously smoking a cigarette while shopping for makeup for his gf while other customers and workers are looking at him like 👀

okay BUT- i was super intentional about the language i used in this chapter, i really thought that people wouldn't like...still be upset with jin?

i'm not saying you're wrong for it- and this is on par with bily because we've seen everyone in the pack make questionable calls thusfar- thats part of the fun in the story, but if i may, i'm gonna bring up a few spesific lines of the last chapter in rebuttal to this ask, just because it left me with a weird taste in my mouth.

i really hoped that people wouldn't still be angry at jin and hobi...but i guess it's out of my hands right now unless i want to edit.

but remember, we see these charecters conflicted about the very things that youre unsure about, we see hobi's internal narration go. "You claimed Yoongi’s soul and future for yourself before you even met them, even if you had too- Hoseok has a right to be angry). But he’s not. He lies his cheek next to yours on the folded blankets, close enough that he can feel the warmth of your skin, and thinks- are you the only one who I can’t offer comfort to? Isn’t that a wretched thing, that we’re in the same pack but we can’t be so close?

we see hobi here being extremely conflicted, he's not exactly musing on his issues but he's letting them go! i get that the m/c still had to like- deal with them. But i think its very clear how tired she is of it. hobi gets and and he's tired too. it's more then dealing with the bullshit of that together as a pair- the first time they've really done something together for the benefit of their relationship thus far. and we see him immediatly offer her comfort right after- trying to limit the damage of his emotions and actions on her.

and then jin! jin's is also more easy to point out we see the m/c ask "Are you still upset at me and Yoongi for the mark thing?” i was very intentional to use the word upset not angry. jin confirms that he's still upset eventually- but he's mostly upset that they had to make those choices, that the situation forced them to do something that could have easily killed them both, because he wants them both alive not because he doesn't care that the m/c almost died.

but they'res also jealousy and insecurity there- because yoongi would have rather them both almost die then reach out for jin's help. both of those feelings are dealt with through sex in part because they need to reaffirm their desire for intimacy with each other and the trust. jin knows he could push the m/c too far, and she trust him not too in the mini scene (thats not really a scene)

i think people in general with bily forget the trauma that the m/c and yoongi put the pack through. remember- yoongi left without telling them one word, came back with another person and then she proceeded to not speak to them for about a month. i don't think any party is wrong in their feelings, and i do think that the mc is frustrated with them too. she just handles her emotions diffrently, she's more prone to self doubt then anger in part because of her abuse.

when others are angry or unrightfully emotional about others- tae for instance- she has no problem speaking up. but it's different when it comes to her because shes still handling the after effects of the abuse she went through. i'd even gander that the pack is well aware of this and is taking steps to make sure she does speak up for herself, remember hobi says "would you stop with the whole 'i hate you thing'"

and emotions don't just go away once you feel them, sometimes they linger, but both jin and hobi try to make sure that the m/c doesn't feel quite so bad about it, they at least try to make sure the emotions don't hurt her.

hobi offers her comfort before anyone else will- "You’re doing a good job, with Tae. In case no one’s told you yet.”“Oh,” you say, words muffled by the blanket, burying your face in it. “Thanks.” He can feel the warmth of your cheek, and after a second you move just a little closer, just enough for your skin to brush a little, atoms to atoms and more a feeling of warmth than skin. 

jin's is here- oh so he doesn’t hate you, you didn’t realize how worried you were of that, that Jin had someone decide he didn’t want you anymore. The hardness poking at your stomach dictates the opposite of that too. Jin’s hand cups the back of your neck possessively, tilting your mouth so that he can kiss you the way that he likes. He gets you gasping when his teeth dig in a little, just a little harder. But Jin knows you like a bit of force behind it, just to make your mind quiet. (jin knows he's stressed the fuck out of the m/c, and now he's gonna make her better!

Tldr: hobi and jin are trying their hardest!

also please definitely picture minnie smoking and anxiously shopping, a cigarette between one finger and another, or one hanging from his lips while he runs his hands through his hair and looks over high heals trying to figure out the guy to girl size conversion chart and being so so so confused why skirts don't always have pockets or what the fuck a beauty blenders used for.

[machetegirl109]

Synopsis: While being away from your girlfriend Ellie when she leaves for tour, the doomed relationship you two have keeps on falling apart; and when she finally returns, it might be too late to save what’s left of it. *inspiration: 505 by arctic monkeys*

Warnings: 18+, MDNI, F/F, modern!AU, suggestive and offensive language, angst, toxic relationship, emotional abuse, gf!ellie&reader, toxic!ellie x reader

important info about my stories here

©machetegirl109 (credits to 505 by arctic monkeys that inspired me to write this) DO NOT copy/steal my work OR post it on any platforms

Word Count: 1.8k+

Oneshot: 505

❝︎when you look at me like that, my darlin’, what did you expect?❞︎

Ellie was never an emotionally intelligent person. She would just sweep all her thoughts and emotions under a rug, ignoring any and everything that she deemed too stressful; too hard to deal with. Same goes for her relationships. Whether it was with her dad Joel, or her previous girlfriend's – Her conflict handling skills were the worst. She’d explode and throw her anger towards whoever was around her, raising her voice and speaking without thinking, being as mean as she could be just to come back after, with her tail between her legs, apologizing over her tantrum.

The green-eyed girl was incredibly good at making others feel like the most important person in the world for a second and then proceeding to push them away, making all of those around her wonder what they could've done wrong; and needless to say, you were also a victim of her behavior.

She was well aware of that flaw of hers, as well as she knew you were aware of it too.

Maybe that’s why her heart was beating anxiously inside her chest as she drove the dark, empty streets, on the way to your apartment. Maybe that’s why she silently let tears make their way down her face as she listened to a gloomy song that reminded her of the current situation you two were in. Ellie knew she was complicated, maybe even hard to love at times, but you; you were rather simple. You were patient, empathetic and kind, you were calm even when she’d make you want to bang your head against a wall during your fights. You understood her and you respected her. Maybe you were too good for her.

That’s the truth. You were way too good for her. You never asked too much from her, only that she’d put just as much effort into the relationship as you did, that she’d communicate with you, you only asked for respect and honesty. Yes, you only asked for the bare minimum, and yes, she tried to give that to you, but maybe she just didn’t try hard enough.

The first three months of the relationship were as good as you’d expect the honeymoon phase to be. Ellie gave her most during those months but after the high of a new relationship died down she slacked off. Never showing up to important dates on time, not checking her phone when you text and letting your calls go to voicemail. She’d disappear without leaving a trace, doing God knows what, and then she’d knock on your door at 5 in the morning. Not a single time when things went wrong she attempted to talk it out. She’d buy you gifts instead, she’d wrap you around her arms and take you to bed as she expressed to you how much she regretted doing this or doing that.

You knew it wasn’t right to keep going like this. You gave her an ultimatum; warning your girlfriend you’d leave if she didn’t start acting correctly. Ellie started to put effort again for a while, but soon stopped. She didn’t change and you didn’t leave. A year goes by and everyday the same life-sucking dynamic happens between the two of you.

Eventually Ellie left for a two month tour with her band. You tried to break things off, knowing that if the relationship barely worked when you two were physically close, it definitely wouldn’t work while being apart. She didn’t let you go. Begging you to stay with her, using her same old tricks to convince you.

“It will be different this time, I swear, darling.” She says as she holds your hands. “I’ll call and text whenever I get the chance to. I promise,”

“No, Ellie.You always say that and then act right for a couple of days before you go back to leaving me aside again.” You break your hands free away from hers and you walk towards your door. “Just go, I-I can’t do…this. Not anymore.” You hold your tears back as you keep your head low, not wanting to look at her. Ellie steps closer to you and gently holds your head up, making you look at her sad, broken face; tears falling down her green eyes.

“Baby, please,” She hiccups, her voice getting stuck in her throat. “Just one last time, please, Y/N.” Ellie lets her arms fall around your waist, pulling you into a tight hug as she hides her face on the crook of your neck. “Please don’t leave me, please.” Her voice comes out muffled, warm breath along with the wetness of her face hitting your skin. “I’ll change, I promise.”

She was back now. As soon as her seven hour flight was over and the plane landed at the airport, she rushedly grabbed her bags and got into her car, driving straight to your place — Beating herself up over the fact she fucked up once again, building up courage to beg for you to stay one more time. The apologies getting ready at the tip of her tongue, her body getting ready to shamelessly drag you onto the bed where she’d hoped she could make you forget about all of this so you two can move on from the chaos your relationship has become for the thousandth time.

After a forty-five minute drive, she finally reaches her destination. Parking her car and slowly getting out. She imagines how you could possibly be right now; waiting for her with a smile on your face or ready to tell her to fuck off. Getting on the elevator, her hands shake anxiously, wanting nothing more than to just ignore all of this and lay under the covers with you, cuddling you from behind as she breathes in your scent. The lift comes to a stop and the doors open. Ellie steps into the corridor, fear and anxiety runs through her veins once she finds herself at your door.

She looks at the bold silver metal on the entrance, 505 marked onto the plate as she begins to work the key you gave her into the lock.

Ellie steps inside the dark living room; the only source of light being the moon located outside the big window wall, she looks around the space searching for you. Upon not seeing you at the room nor the open-kitchen, she makes her way down the small path leading to two rooms and suddenly she hears pain filled cries coming from the of the rooms. Ellie quickly opens the door, watching you as you lay curled in bed, holding onto your pillow, letting out hard sobs. Her heart crumbles at your condition and she runs to your bed, sitting beside you and pulling you into her arms.

“Ellie—“

“I’m here now, my darling. It’s okay, I’m with you,” She caresses your cheek and presses a soft kiss on your forehead, her own eyes filling with tears, knowing she is the cause for the hurt you feel. You sit on her lap hugging her waist and hiding your face onto her chest, you take in the smell of her perfume that you missed so much. Ellie kisses your cheeks, too, and wipes your tears away.

“I missed you so much, Els.” You say, attempting to hold in your sobs as she hugs you. One of her hands creeps up to the back of your neck, gripping it gently and pressing you onto her. “I’m so tired of feeling this way,” Ellie freezes, knowing what’s coming next. She pulls you back, staring inside your red, puffy eyes and she shakes her head. You looked at her with so much sadness, so out of energy; completely broken but regardless of how miserable you looked, she still found you pretty.

“Don’t do that, please.” Silent tears fall from her eyes, too, as she tries to look for some sort of comfort, some sort of light at the end of the tunnel as you two exchange looks. “Please, baby, don’t look at me like that.” Ellie begins to press kisses all over your face as she breathlessly repeated I’m sorry over and over again while you just sat there, hearing her pleas as you began to calm down. “I swear I’ll—“

“You swear what? You’re going to change?” You push yourself off of her lap, sitting on the mattress with your feet touching the ground and your elbows on your thighs, hands under your face as you drop it down. “M’so fucking tired of hearing this over and over again when I know you’re never going to change.”

“I’m trying to,”

“Ellie, you barely even talk to me.”

“That’s not fucking true! I texted you all the time I was away, I fucking called before you went to sleep; I do fucking talk to you, Y/N!” Ellie raises her voice as she stands and paces around the room. You close your eyes, exhausted from the fighting and you let out a dry laugh. “What? What could possibly be so funny that you’re laughing now?” You finally look up at her and respond.

“Answering my texts and staying silent on a call with me doesn’t count as actual talking. I never know what’s going on with you, I never know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling—“

“Not everyone feels the need to share every single fucking little thing about themselves like you do.”

“I just want to be close to you, Ellie.” She walks towards you and kneels between your legs, bringing her hand to your chin as she pulls you closer.

“We already are close,” She whispers. You let yourself go for a second, leaning into her touch, wrapping your hands around her shoulders.

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.”

Ellie knew you were right. She also felt exhausted, she also felt so out of touch with you most times, she, too, felt that you two would be running in circles forever unless one of you left first; but she didn’t want to. Comfort is one hell of a bitch, but it wasn’t even a matter of comfort anymore, given the whole situation was quite the opposite. Maybe it was a matter of ego; acknowledging you were too good for her and she didn't deserve you but still had you. It made her feel special – It made her feel better about the mistakes she made; knowing that if you are staying she mustn't be as awful as she thinks.

“I'll make it feel that way from now on, okay? I'll be close to you, my darling, I'll tell you whatever you want, alright?” You nod your head and she pulls you into her arms. “I love so, so much.” Your mood shifts as she begins to give you love and attention. Laying you on your back while she kisses you and whispers sweet nothings in your ear.

Maybe it wasn't time to let go yet.

ೃ⁀➷ thank you for reading! feel free to comment your thoughts, reblog, leave a heart and follow me˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

nc-17 banner by @fic-dumpster

[decolonize-the-left]

not to be a poor millenial on main but like

I really don't know how to put into words how utterly defeated it feels to know in the back of mind that I'm about to be 30 soon and will likely never own a house. Something that was a drilled into Young Me as a marker of success and independence.

Not only that, but I can't work. I've tried. I'm relying Heavily on my partner. Honestly, with rent the way it is, we might struggle just to rent our own place, let alone buy one. And I have a daughter. Like... I'm really not gonna be able to do everything for her that I want to.

"Try disability"

Disability is complicated and I was so neglected as a kid that I wasn't dxed with Anything in time to meet requirements. I'm still working on a couple of them in fact. My psych eval isn't til December and I made that appointment last April. That to say, it's going to be a Very long process. And my work history makes it worse. It's going to be an uphill battle and I'll likely need a lawyer. The thought of being denied kills me. Idk wtf I'm gonna do if I can't get disability. And the best part? you can't be married on disability. Sometimes they cancel you just for having a partner. The Trump admin even had ppl scouring Facebook's seeing if disabled ppl were "too happy".

Can y'all f e e l my rage? I rely on my partner because I don't have family to rely on. If I don't have her, I end up in the ground. Period. That's it. Those are my choices. File and hope to the damn heavens or... idek.

I thought the child tax credit Biden passed would help but all it did was move food stamps to cash (meaning it lowered my EBT a Lot, did it do that for everyone?). Which is absolute bullshit. How are you gonna tell me I need almost $300 Just For Food then take that away and give me $250 for everything including food and call that help??

Like I genuinely feel so stuck. And I know it's not just me. There are people I know Trapped in living situations because of how unaffordable it is to change their circumstances. A studio where I am goes for the same price as a two bedroom was last year. Two bedrooms apartments are now the price that a 3-4 bedroom houses were. My partners income isn't that much. That's so fucking beyond affordable.

What the fuck am I supposed to do??? What are any of us in this situation supposed to do? Like what happens to the queer, traumatized, disabled, BIPOC adults who've fallen through the cracks for our whole lives?

What happens when my amazingly patient gf decides that she's inevitably given all she could? Because she's functional but this kind of support takes a toll on you financially, emotionally, physically even. It isn't sustainable forever and as I said, right now I see no guaranteed way out of it.

Something has to fucking give.

But nothing is. Not rent. Not landlords. Not the precious Blue Man in office. Not the Blue governor I live under. Not the laws. Not the protests. Not disability regulations.

I'm ready to fucking burn something down. ANYTHING. at this point ANY empty building is option because at least I'd get their fucking attention. Maybe that's all it'd take too, you know? Maybe one person just has to do something absolutely fucking insane for everyone else to realize how fucked everything is. To be that catalyst. And every single day that passes I get closer to being that person.

Like honestly???

What have I got to fucking lose that's not already on the fucking line anyway. Y'all are waiting for something and idk what. It's been 243 years and idk how many generations fighting the same fight, how fucking long are we waiting for change?

I'm ready for that revolution that y'all keep talking about, now. Ready for the FIND OUT part.

[dangermousie]

Rhapsody in Blue! First off, this ep has one of my favorite lines. Rygel to John: “Hail, Prince of the Obvious.” EEEEEE!

It’s the little things that stick in my mind with this ep: Aeryn in John’s undies (not that way, alas) and his demanding to know what she is doing in them as they are ‘mine.’ And her asking ‘Is your name Calvin? Then they aren’t yours.’ Heeeee. (Did Crichton pack a spare pair in his ship? Where did they come from? Also, how did she get them?)

I also love seeing him still so excited about new things: that half-vegetable-half-animal thing, for one. I love his sense of wonder, not crushed yet.

And then there is the intro scene. If we can focus past the half-naked, wrapped in satin sheets, and horizontally-necking John Crichton…mmmm....arms!

Aside from the fact that his gf has a really pottery barn lame taste in furnishings, and that John’s proposal technique needs work (hello, you were going to propose to her in bed? Take her out for a romantic stroll, at least :P) you know what strikes me? The vibe between them.

John was serious with Alex. As serious as one could be, seeing that he wanted to propose to her. And he was clearly a sweet, nice guy. But. Not only is Alex quite bland (and once again, blonde and a certain-type. Sort of like Gilina and his other non-Aeryn types), but there is no sense of urgency or passion or love bordering on madness, ‘beyond hope’ that he has with Aeryn.

Nowhere near it.

I was especially struck by how she said they needed a break because he would be on East Coast and she on West (5 hour flight, basically). And he thinks it’s too much of a distance to make the relationship work, for it all to survive, and he acquiesces with only a bit of a wistful moment. A long distance relationship in the same country is probably too hard to make work! For John! The one who will later be willing to bend time and space and not comprehend the meaning of giving up when it comes to Aeryn. Alex tells him she is leaving him for West Coast and he is fine with it. Aeryn is leaving for much more than that: time, space, death, and yet he will always follow, refuse to give up and give in. It’s so clear that being with Alex, like being on Earth, was nice and sweet but did not tap into 1% of his capacity for passion, and love, and pain.

Of course, the Delvians make him see Alex again, who in her imaginary form is incredibly annoying. To give her credit, if she was real, she’d probably react differently, though who knows. Crichton didn’t think she was behaving oddly.

But hey, first things first! You are NOT allowed to mess with John’s mind, freakos! No way, no how. Seriously. This is like a precursor to all the pain, to the fact that John will not be able to maintain the privacy and integrity of his mind, but COME ON. STOP IT. This is the beginning of all his mind and body violations and you see his rage and terror.

I do love his bitter question of what they are going to do with him next: “So what now? Kill me? Cage me? Teach me tricks?” Oh John. Just you wait.

Farscape is generally not kind to religion and this ep highlights it.

I really do like the fact that most of this ep focuses on the relationship between him and Zhaan. I love that Farscape was so good at fleshing all the relationships, not just the romantic ones, and was capable of having these complex, complicated relationships between members of opposite sex without bringing artificial UST into it. Zhaan and John never think of each other this way, nor will they ever. But the love and affection between them? Is real.

And John has always felt close to Zhaan because she was so much more patient with him than the rest, at the start. But he shows his unique John-style ability to forgive and to love despite the past or darkness or anything. That is such a John trademark, isn’t it? And I think the root of Zhaan’s strong, if entirely platonic, love for John is really born in this ep. He did more than saved her life. He saved her sense of self and sanity. No wonder she does what she does in SoD.

And how in keeping with the show that he doesn’t save her through toughness and machoness but through being vulnerable and allowing her an emotional anchor and you can tell he’s terrified as hell.

Hmmmm, what else?

I love that when the Delvians send all these illusions to befuddle and confuse them, Crichton is the only one who doubts, however ineffectively, and however limited the doubt is (later Crichton would be much harder to convince). But even here, possibly he doubts more than Aeryn or Rygel or D’Argo because ever since coming to the UT, he’s been a stranger in a strange land and everything is new to him, unknown, so he has to approach everything analytically.

I also like how unity isn’t fun for Crichton (or at least it starts out fun but not for long) but painful and scary. There are no easy solutions and ways out, are there? Not even so early on.

[costellos]

❥ ┋ ❝ bucci gang & how / who they love!

bruno bucciarati.

love language he gives: words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service

love languages he wants: quality time, acts of service

favorite dates: having coffee at a swanky cafe, visiting the beach (loves hearing the waves crash against the rocks; also loves teaching you how to fish)

doesn’t really date since his time is so limited. likewise, he doesn’t want to drag his partner into the mobster life, so he would most likely date someone who’s also involved. it’s just easier that way.

Bucciarati doesn’t really have a “type.” at least not for physical appearance. as long as he can get along with someone and they share his values, he can make a relationship work.

will adore anyone that can have any sort of intellectual conversation with. it doesn’t necessarily have to be about politics or literature, it can be about the latest celebrity gossip and how it affects current events. really just wants someone to talk about things and how they affect other things if that makes sense?

as mentioned, Bucciarati has very limited time. he tries to make the most out of what time he does have with you and would appreciate your understanding.

because he prizes fairness above all else, his deal breaker would be witnessing your being rude for no reason (especially to children or the elderly). he doesn’t care for those who can’t show basic human decency.

the one who spoils you the most. he buys you little trinkets from every new city he visits.

leone abbacchio.

love language he gives: acts of service, quality time

love languages he wants: quality time

favorite dates: eating at a restaurant that has a live band playing (preferably jazz or swing), getting wine drunk at home

truly doesn’t believe that he deserves love.

despite that, Abbacchio is someone who loves with every fiber of his being. that’s why he’s so protective of his team upon Giorno’s arrival. if he were to ever find a partner, he would be head over heels for them.... just don’t expect him to show it outwardly.

his type is anyone who’s patient and can tolerate his snippy comments. someone who’s not naive or childish. like Bucciarati, physical appearance doesn’t matter much, but he has a penchant for thick thighs.

honestly really easy to please once you’re in a relationship with him. he doesn’t ask for much nor does he ask for much in return. he just wants to spend time with you.

however, he doesn’t tolerate those who don’t respect his boundaries. Abbacchio is already hesitant going into this relationship. if you rush into it and push him to do the same, he’d end this before it even began.

the one who cooks the best. his dishes taste like home.

giorno giovanna.

love language he gives: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time

love languages he wants: quality time

favorite dates: visiting a natural history or art museum, going to a conservatory

he’s not particularly interested in romantic endeavors since he’s so focused on his dream.

but if he were to fall in love with someone, it would be for someone who’s just as ambitious as he. wants someone who can continuously push him to his greatest achievements. he would happily return the sentiment for them.

also doesn’t really have a “type,” but loves those who are quick-witted, natural leaders, and fast thinkers. he needs someone that can keep challenging him.

loves to spoil you with bouquets of beautiful flowers. if you like cute animals, he’d turn an old brick into a wide-eyed rabbit. he absolutely adores how your face lights up for the things he makes you.

the only thing that annoys him are those who won’t try anything new. it’s good to step out of your comfort zone, and he’d be happy to help you with that. but if you continuously dismiss him, whether it be to try a new experience or hell, a new food, well. irritated is putting it lightly.

the one who’s most observant of you. you need help with something but won’t ask for it? here, let him take a look at it.

guido mista.

love language he gives: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time

love languages he wants: physical touch

favorite dates: going to the movies (for any genre, but loves comedies and action the most), eating at restaurants with cheap yet delicious food after midnight

he says that he wants a super hot model gf but he’ll honestly fall in love with anyone who gives him any attention. that said, he falls in love hard. he just wants to give his partner the world. it’s what they deserve. is that so much to ask?

again, he falls in love with anyone who gives him the time of day, but he has a bias for thick folks. physical touch is one of his love languages, so be prepared for him to always be squeezing your thigh.

on that note, he loves touching you intimately. his favorite place is putting his hand between your thighs when sitting next to him (”what? my hand is cold”) and on your hip when standing up. 

loves easy dates. he’s a simple man. dinner and the movies make him happiest. what’s better than a good flick with delicious food and lovely company?

Mista loves fully and wholly. the only deal breaker is if you complicate his life. as mentioned, he’s a simple man. if he catches you engaging in harmful gossip, lying, or god forbid, cheating, it’s over.

the one who makes you feel the most comfortable in your skin. he’s literally always praising you, whether it’s about your appearance, your personality, or your accomplishments. such a great hype man.

narancia ghirga.

love language he gives: gift giving, acts of service, physical touch

love languages he wants: words of affirmation, physical touch

favorite dates: going to a carnival, staying in and playing video games or listening to music

really, really wants to be in a relationship but also really, really scared to be in one. loves the idea of having someone who loves you for you. hates having to be vulnerable.

but once Narancia shows his true colors (and isn’t judged for it) to a certain someone, he will fall in love with them. it’ll be easy to know, too — he’s really bad at hiding his feelings. expect lots of candid requests to hang out.

he prefers someone who’s smaller than him. he isn’t picky, though. honestly just wants someone to hold but he’d never admit that, jesus christ that’s so cheesy.

loves going on dates that stimulate him. challenging you to a carnival game or a round of Mario Kart is such a fun way to pass the time with you! 

would be incredibly heartbroken if you insult his intelligence first and foremost, and anything else after. he’s self-conscious about never finishing primary school. if you bring that up to hurt him, he’d simply get up and leave. forgiveness is uncertain.

the one who comforts you best after a long day. you can always expect a long hug, a kiss, and food from your favorite takeout restaurant from him.

pannacotta fugo.

love language he gives: quality time, acts of service 

love languages he wants: words of affirmation, acts of service

favorite dates: visiting a history or science museum, reading together at an old library

Fugo wants to love and be loved in return, but he knows that by doing so, he would be putting his partner in danger. he tries to avoid it as much as he can as a result.

though he can’t help it when someone treats him like he isn’t a monster. the way they smile at him, how they compliment him... it makes his heart race.

he has a weakness for people who wear glasses. there’s just something about them that makes a person infinitely more attractive to him. other than that, he needs someone that can keep up with him intellectually. yeah, he tries to keep his cool. but having someone that doesn’t require him to repeat himself saves a lot of time and effort.

although he’s no longer in school, he wants to keep learning. he loves being able to share that with you, so visiting museums or reading books together is his ideal way of bonding.

Fugo has the most deal breakers out of the gang (they’re all for your safety), but his biggest is a lack of patience. he knows that his short temper is tough to deal with, it’s just... he needs you to be patient with him. he wants this to work and he can’t do it without you.

the one who remembers details about you best. don’t tell him embarrassing stories or he’ll tease you about them later.

[sukirichi]

suk *ehem saeren (new pseud is sexy btw and also your new theme vvv sexc bestie!!!😌😌) okay so when i read chp 7-8 i was like ‘y/n c’mon. give kita the chance he deserves i mean IT’S THE MR. KITA SHINSUKE WTF WHAT MORE CAN YOU ASK?!’ but then oh god, the museum scene holy fuck. no because the cherry blossom tree works so well as an analogy for the main couple’s love story. yeah, cherry blossoms signify new beginnings and are mostly adorned by many when they bloom. why? aside from the indication of renewal, it only stays for a certain period of the year which is always a sight to see and because of the limited time frame, everyone knows the beauty it exudes will be gone after the time passes (death). going back, suna and y/n’s routine of spending time together to being away from each other’s presence is the recurring theme for them to grow. seeing them say too many goodbyes brings that anxious feeling of ‘ahh. it we will be back to square one again'  (also, not the fact that broken record connotes annoying repetition of something is aksjalks🤧) 

also yeah, when you love a person, the one should make you feel calm and secure and only then you can distinguish whether you truly love them or just merely an infatuation. but in y/n’s case, whether she has that rose-tinted glasses on or not, identifying the blaring red flags is hard to accept notice if that same marker is the one that brings her comfort due to its familiarity. and idk where to put this in my last ask because i don’t have enough brain juice to make a theory, but the way suna is nervous for his first date with mari, he should have second guessed why he’s acting like that when the happiness he felt with y/n is way more different with mari (should have listened to osamu and aran and ooh im sorry i assumed they samu and suna were schoolmates in high school when they are not akhfak). sure, he’s nervous out of excitement but for what? it's like foreshadowing that he needs to put up a front with mari just to keep her (but we all know that is not the case) in those 3 years they spent together, did he feel more on the edge than relaxed tho? 🤨

and for someone who loathes her half-sister, nagisa sure is invested with the happenings in y/n. it’s like she’s always on the lookout for her mistakes and dote it on her until her last breath. the mari and nagisa connection is possible though and it is not like they live countries apart but their meeting, from the way i see it, is like a silver lining for nagisa to topple y/n lol🤪 and aah, now it get why nagisa called y/n whore at the restaurant. when i read that part, i thought that they have somewhat lived under the same roof for some time but the succeeding chps showed they did not and was still confused because she has never shown any interest about what is going on with her affiliated family except hatred and then that happened. i guess when she burst out at that moment, it was when the two had met? 

it’s kinda disheartening to see how lucy subtly(??) controls y/n’s love life. maybe because she doesn’t want y/n to fall under the same category for marrying out of love when she is the one who refuses to divorce the dad (= she shouldn’t). should have filed that divorce, not doing so is a recipe for disaster itself. and mari 😤😤WHAT DID I SAY?? (well in this case, it is shunning others away from suna) i cannot, for my peace of mind, be able to be in the same vicinity as her. for all i know, i could be dragging her on the floor out of pure disgust. i can’t wait to find out who died and who is in critical condition. though, that critical scenario lead to afterlife too, so no wishful thinking here. but, ahh are we getting a background story for suna too?🥺 this is where i'm betting my wish at. while we’re at it, i wonder how atsumu will react to suna impregnating mari. i imagine he would say ‘dude wtf?! she chose you! how could you?!’ i know he is happy with his gf but can’t help to be caring as ever to y/n.

reading chps 7-9 in one go was a pleasant experience 1.because school😔🤢 2.angst is way more comforting than comedy 3.no more anxious thoughts of why and how this happened because at this point, i’m just playing hidden mickey here. but i truly love the story, can’t believe it’s already ending by the next update. saerennn i hope ur okay bub?🥺 and get that hashbrowns after finishing the series or while working for the last track. u deserve it!! luv u~💕💕

🍳

my egg anon, hello !! I’m so sorry for the late response, my asks were piled up and I got busy with school :<

AND AAAAAH THANK YOU I’M SO HAPPY YOU GOT THE MESSAGE OF THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS!! it was actually taken from the music video I linked back to the end of the chapter and my friend and I were discussing it because I think there were lots of symbolism on it. the one about new beginnings because the cherry blossoms only come for a certain time of the year before a new season comes also represents how YN and Suna keep going back and forth to loving, getting complicated, forgiving, getting complicated and so on and so forth. I love everything you said because it was exactly how I wanted the story to be like <33 the part about being anxious too !! that’s why YN keeps saying ‘this cycle never ends.’ and YESSSS THAT’S ALSO WHY I CHOSE BROKEN RECORDS AS THE TITLE. the ‘records’ refer to them playing love songs and then apology songs to each other over and over but then the song stops and they start to have new stories :<<

oooooh yes, totally. judging from my own experience, I can tell too whether it’s love or infatuation. when I’m with someone I love, I feel totally at peace and safe with them. it’s comfortable, it’s not supposed to be scary or nerve wracking. even if something wrong happened, you’re assured by the knowledge they’d be patient and listen to you. AND THIS PART WHERE YOU SAID THIS ABOUT SUNA ‘whether she has that rose-tinted glasses on or not, identifying the blaring red flags is hard to accept notice if that same marker is the one that brings her comfort due to its familiarity’ ITS 100% ACCURATE. same goes for suna tbh. YN was the one who broke his heart when they broke up but she was also the only able to comfort him. it’s hard for them to let each other go because they’re both a source of pain and familiarity that they struggle to find in this world. yes there’s some slight foreshadowing in how suna reacted with mari. he was on edge and he didn’t know what to do most of the time because he doesn’t understand mari the same way he understands YN. as for him being on edge, he most definitely was tiptoeing because mari placed a lot of boundaries such as keeping YN completely out of the picture and making her presence a bare minimum.

NOOOO BECAUSE THAT’S SO TRUE. Nagisa is always updated with YN. YN is the one who updates her about her life because she’s always trying to make conversation, but Nagisa pretends to be ‘uninterested’ although don’t let that fool you because she remembers every little detail just in case she can use it against her half sister. nagisa and mari met after mari broke up with suna in ch1 so yes, nagisa already knew the situation !! that’s why she called YN a ‘whore’ because if she ‘was with Suna’ then why is she also ‘dating’ Kita? so in nagisa’s eyes, YN is just the same as her mom.

lucy was half and half. sometimes she has good intentions but most of the time she’s also just messed in the head and she really fucked with YN’s trust issues. HMMM I WANTED A BACKGROUND STORY FOR SUNA TOO TBH but I didn’t know where to fit it and I didn’t want to add random, unnecessary details :<< AND FOR ATSUMUUUUU…. atsumu crushed on YN real hard… until now, even though he has a gf (now wife in the timeskip) you can tell he still cares about YN

NAUUUR angst is way more comforting than comedy sobs. and yes baby, I’m doing okay !! just a lil busy with uni work but nothing I can’t handle <33 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS EGG ANON, I REALLY LOVE HEARING YOUR THOUGHTS ON IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG BRAIN AHHH I love you, stay safe too bb <33

[serenityinsabr]

This is random maybe I don’t know

I’m Muslim, 22, and gay

I told my parents 3 years ago and they just ignore it to this day

My mom called everyday asking if I apologized to Allah (swt) she said I ruined the family

Nothing got better they just ignored it

I have a gf now and I have to keep her secret it sucks it really does I’m crying as I type this but I don’t know what to do

I only have my mom dad and two brothers everyone else is overseas

I can’t just cut them off I want my family and I want to be accepted

I want my family overseas to accept me too so my gf can know my culture as well as future kids

It really feels impossible but I don’t know what to do

Do you have any advice

This just sucks and I’m tired of fighting

They think it’s a choice and I’m making the wrong choice

I feel hopeless like nothing will ever get better

First off, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You are amazing the way that you are 💛 You were made the way that you are for a purpose, but I am sorry that comes with so many complications.

Being Middle Eastern and Muslim and resonating that part of my identify with being American born (1st gen) and Queer has been a whole trip.

One thing I can tell you is that it takes a lot of time. Be patient with yourself and the process. It can be quite challenging. One thing I wish I would’ve known when I was younger was to stop focusing so much on dating and finding “my person” and to focus more on making sure that I loved myself enough to where I wouldn’t dilute/minimize any parts of myself for the comfort of others. The reason being is that building that type of love for yourself really allows you to realize that being your truest self is freeing, and that sometimes it comes with a cost, but in the end it’s usually worth it.

Your family might take time, a lot of time, but they’ll come around. And if they still have a hard time, it’s good to remind yourself that they’re letting their pride get in between their relationship with you, and even if they’re family, that’s toxic. My siblings have been super chill. They’ve known, but like just in case they didn’t get it, I like officially came out to them. My Mom has been the most challenging 🙄 buuut in my last relationship, I used to bring my GF around ALL the time. She did weekly Friday dinners with my family, was at almost all the family vacations, holidays, etc. And eventually my Mom warmed up to her. Although the being Queer thing and potentially marrying a woman thing is still hard for her, she’s getting better with time. Also I constantly would show her things about like the Pope approving of Gay Marriage, articles/studies showing sexuality isn’t a choice, how the Story of Lot is really not about homosexuality, etc. If you give them all the information, and they still don’t listen, that’s something you’re going to have to process and figure out how you want to handle. It’s also okay to love people from a distance for your own well-being.

I think it’s really hard for those of us who come from collective-based communities to deal with not having acceptance from our families, but I really recommend finding a therapist and working through those things. There’s a lot of information in regards to unhealthy attachment, seeking validation, codependency, etc. that I have found is really helpful for those going through these types of struggles to reference and learn about.

As for your GF, introduce her to the culture yourself! That’s such a good way to bond and help them understand your culture. Honestly that’s been the thing that’s been missing from a lot of my relationships. The willingness to partake in learning about my culture. Personally, I’m very spiritual but I’m far from being Orthodox Muslim. But being Afghan is so important to me. Being a child of Refugees is important to me. But like I’ve dated a lot of White people, who came from families with implicit biases, were racist, etc. So although I didn’t realize it until my most recent breakup, I was watering down myself to make myself more acceptable to their families. Ultimately it’s what ended my last relationship. I was “too different.” Although we were together for almost 2 years, she came from a really conservative Family, and for her, taking in parts of my culture were counterintuitive, even if it was just learning about it. But like your culture is a part of your identity! Don’t be scared to introduce your GF to the language, the foods, your religion, etc. You can see how receptive she is and take it from there.

Sorry this is all over the place, please message me if you have any other questions or need someone to talk to.

[diariesof-kg]

Love & Order.

08_01_2021

I am bothered that I keep having dreams about this person. I am confused why my mind is going in reverse.  Why my mind creates these visuals of us happy and being together when that could never be.  Perhaps it’s the illusion of the mind.  Perhaps my dream is the reality of false hopes.  It’s strange and I need it to stop.  There are moments that I do miss, I can be honest about but I feel as those the rush of disappointments erased all of that.

I do embrace the dreams because they are true feelings that I had. I really loved and cared about her deeply.  It is extremely hard to make me fall in love.  I don’t rush into using the word love either.  I have to feel it on a spiritual level before it leaves my mouth.  I am at most disappointed with myself though. I reflect a lot and think, girl, you were blinded because you left a lot of people behind for things they did to you and you couldn’t see any of this coming.  But relationships are complicated as usual.  The last time we had a disagreement, was when she was doing my hair.  And I remember I just got over it quick and asked for a kiss.  And that was the end of it.  There are positive reasons why I stayed although it felt toxic as hell.  I had experienced things I didn’t experience in my past relationships.  I legit slept on the couch, floor after an argument from my past.  I legit couldn’t get a hug or kiss. It was bad and so part of me was getting something different and I stayed.  There were positive moments.

After the court proceedings, I reflected on what was said.  She said she bit me to get me to leave.  But I was bit outside of your residence and it wasn’t a nibble, it was cuts in my arms and a nasty bruise that looked gross overtime.  That statement made me sick to my stomach.  It just reminded me of victims in domestic violence situations get blamed for them being harmed.  She admitted to it, but still didn’t apologize.  It was disgusting.  This is why I will speak on what happened to me to the masses.  Because there are so many victims who live in silence, because of how conditioned they have become from their partners.  Like when she told me her friend slit her wrist and wrote I love you all over the girlfriend walls because they were breaking up.  What excuse is that?  What if your friend killed her girlfriend, you are going to blame the dead? She shouldn’t have broken up with someone crazy, then she’d be alive.  This is truthfully sick.  It makes sense why your friends are your friends and why as a flock of pigeons, neither one of you really held each other accountable.  Her and her friends find excuses to one’s actions and blames the victims.  That’s honestly scary.  I am lowkey scared for my life now.  I mean wow.  And then the person who paid you to mail drugs or what have you told you the police was coming and to not come home.  I should report his ass. LOL.  He part of the problem too.  You have a whole ring device to avoid the police from your recreational activities. Oh boy.

I am at peace though.  I feel refreshed after everything that has happened.  I wish I could date someone else, but I am stuck, well my soul is stuck on the person who betrayed me.  I am patiently waiting for everything to resolve itself, so that I can move on and be with someone else.  I feel like the timing and the universe will work itself out.  I honestly love the Buffins.  The way they built their foundation and their relationship is goals.  They both have great work ethics and indulge in each other.  I know where they are with each other took a lot of time, but when you know that person is your forever I am going to have to assume something silently dings.  I thought she was my person too, but somehow I was wrong.  Still upset with myself about that.  I even thought, what if all this blows over and we reunite but then I think to myself, she told a federal employee that I stole her identity.  I just can’t forgive that.  That’s really dangerous to lie like that.  You walking around Los Angeles telling lies like that.  I work for the government how gross can you get.  You could make up any lie on me but that is too far.  Even the lawyer was shocked and was like, you work with so many people, why would you choose her.  Especially when they ask if she has a job or monies.  They trying to understand the motive here.  Like that is disgusting.  That’s part of my story too.  Like I said, someone else is for me.  A soulmate.  A lifetime partner.  I just have to be patient enough.  I want to move in with my partner and travel together.  I want to propose the whole nine.

So before everything hit the fan, I had this plan to ask her to be my gf.  The only person that knew of this was my bff Nay.  I had told her to ask her what kind of ring she likes and all these questions.  I started taking her out on random dates just to see how things could go.  I had bought a ring, lordt nobody knows, because they’d all kill me. Lol.  But I did.  You can even check my bookmarks.  Even when I was planning Big Sur, it was all part of the plot.  I remember trying to figure out how to get her out of the resort room to set this all up.  I even reached out to a planner.  I am very romantic when it comes to showing my partner love.  I don’t believe in showing it upfront all the time, because its cliche.  I even had the idea of at my house.  It was a thing.  And this was being planned since December.  I think my bff did ask silver or gold and my bff said silver.  It was bound to happen regardless of us being on bad terms, because I never give up on what I truly feel.  But parts of me is glad I saw those tweets.  Because I would have been a dumbass bish looking real stupid.  I mean I still looked stupid because I was loyal and not being flirtatious to others. I am still upset at my damn self to be honest.

I wake up everyday feeling great, because I can replan it for someone else.  I can fall in love with someone else.  I can spoil someone else who will truly love and care about me.  Who is secure within themselves and open.  That is what keeps me going.  Even though I felt broken after April 30th, I told my therapist no one will ever want me.  And I cried for a week.  I look back and think damn I survived that.  Someone will accept me as damage goods and understand my past.  I do believe it will happen soon.  It’s difficult being that covid has made its rounds again.  But I took time from work to refocus on a few things.  My room is almost done.  Its going to be like a spiritual room when you walk in.  You can meditate, write on the board of things you want to let go of and then it’s just that.  I my friends to feel at peace when they come in.  I know it seems strange but that’s how I want my condo to be as well.  Like a zen vibe.  I am just waiting for more stuff to be delivered.  I am excited about that.  I have not have the urge to hop back on any dating sites.  I do feel different about myself.  I have never had trust issues at all.  And now I do.  I am definitely scared to get to know someone or allow them to know me.  It’s not a good feelings at all.  But I do want to be with someone by 2022.  I want to share a life with someone.  There is no rush but I for one don’t want to be past 35, still can’t be in a relationship.

Parts of me is sad though too.  Because we would look at million dollar homes and in my head, I knew how simple it would to get it.  But like spiritual z said, you can’t protect her anymore and I have to move on and get out of this cycle.  But I do want to settle down by 2022.  I want to get this townhouse or condo and then a Tesla.  And then whomever is interested can have the choice as we get serious to move in with me or we get a place together.  All about communication and commitment and I am ready for that.  But also, I have to close this chapter.  Which means after telling my story to the blogs, the groups etc. and I am fully healed, I know the universe will be ready to send me someone by the end of the year.  I am honestly excited, because I am definitely going to take my future bae on a vacation by the 5th date.  I am not playing this time.  I have the means to do it, so why not.  I saved up enough for anything I desire at this point.  Plus thank you MTV and VH1.  Thank you for all the bookings honestly.  

To end this blog, I will post the responses I received after the domestic violence occurred.  I posted this anonymously to avoid being flooded in my inbox.  But it made me feel better about the situation, especially when you are torn. 

Until next time...

[soultastic]

How to Tell Our GF

This is a Parrlynpercy thing I’ve been working on for a while (still not done). This has multiple parts, and once I finish posting all the parts here, I’ll possibly post in AO3 as well

Percy belongs to @chimkennumget

Anne Boleyn and Henry Percy VI were in love, they were happy and content with that fact. Yet, they felt like something was missing in their lives. 

Both of their histories were complicated. Anne had a complicated relationship (before dating Percy) that resulted in a child; Elizabeth, who was currently around her early teenage years. While Percy had almost married a woman he didn’t love, and he had to fight back the arranged marriage. Even though Elizabeth was not his, Percy still raised her as his own.

However, that still did not ease the feeling of missing something.

There was a change this one day.

Percy and Anne went to pick up Elizabeth from her school, and was surprised at the sight they saw when they pulled up at the front; their daughter was standing next to a much younger girl who had brown curly hair with her arm around her.

Elizabeth's eyes lit up at the sight of her parents walking towards them.She slid her hand into the younger girl’s and gently dragged her towards them. Once they were near the adults, the young girl immediately stepped behind Elizabeth, hiding from the newcomers.

“Mom, Dad you’re here!” Elizabeth exclaimed with a smile.

Anne gave her daughter a smile. "Hey Liz, who's your friend here?"

"Oh!" Lizzie stepped to the side, revealing the brown-haired girl. "This is Mae. I was walking out of school to wait for you, but then Mae was being cornered by some mean boys and she looked terrified! So, I went and helped her."

Anne swelled with pride at her daughter's courage in helping others. Percy smiled and nodded at Lizzie in pride as well, before looking at Mae. She had evidence of crying in her face; sniffing, and hints of tear tracks on her cheeks. Other than that, she was currently gripping on Lizzie's jumper and looking wary of him and Anne.

Percy crouched down to the little girl's height, but considering his tall stature, he was still above her even when he's crouching low. "Hello Mae, we're Elizabeth's parents. My name is Percy-" he pointed at himself "-and that's Anne." He then gestured to Anne, who waved with a bright grin, reassuring the child. "It's nice meeting you." He then finished with a gentle smile.

He saw Mae gulp nervously then tried to subtly look at Elizabeth for reassurance, who gave her a nod of encouragement. "Hi," she squeaked, "my name is Mae Parr. It's nice to meet you too Mr Percy and Ms Anne," she replied with a soft, shy voice.

"You're very polite," Anne, who crouched down beside Percy, remarked, "how old are you, Mae?"

The little girl hesitated. "I'm uhm… eleven years old."

"That means I'm five years older than you Mae!" Lizzie interjected, and directed a gentle grin at her.

Both adults contemplated quietly, “Do you know where your parents are?” Anne asked.

Mae nodded with a little hum. “My mama told me that she would be late to pick me up today, so I was waiting for her on that bench.” She pointed at a bench near the school building, then frowned. “....Until those mean boys came up and teased me.”

Elizabeth placed an arm around the girl. “Don’t worry Mae! Those boys shouldn’t be bothering you anymore.”

Mae squeaked in surprised at the action. “Thank you,” she told Elizabeth with a quiet voice. All of a sudden, the little one slightly raised her head and sniffed a few times, then went on her tiptoes and tried to peek over Percy’s shoulder. Confused by Mae’s actions, Anne and Percy turned around, only to have their breath taken away by the sight.

A short brown-skinned woman, wearing a blue blazer and blue pants suit, was walking towards them. Her brown curly hair was swept towards one side. In the duo's eyes, her jawline, as she turned her head, looked as if it could cut diamonds. 

Percy and Anne were entranced by this woman’s looks as she looked around, her face wore a worried expression as her eyes darted around the school grounds, looking for someone. The moment her eyes landed on Mae, she let out a sigh of relief.

At the same time, Mae let out a joyful expression the moment she saw the woman. “Mama!” she yelled. At those words, Elizabeth released the girl from her hold with a smile, and Mae ran to her mother. The woman crouched down and allowed her daughter to collide with her -which prompted her to let out an ‘oof’- and gave her a tight hug in return.

Mae released herself from the embrace and grabbed her mother’s hand. “Mama, I want you to meet some nice people.” She then dragged her mother towards where Anne, Percy, and Elizabeth were standing, and her mother simply allowed her.

The two of them stopped in front of the trio (the adults now standing) and Mae introduced them to her mother. She first pointed to Elizabeth. "That over there is Elizabeth, but she told me to call her Lizzie. She helped me earlier when I was waiting for you...oh! And she's like five years older than me." 

The woman grinned graciously and nodded at Elizabeth. "Hello there Elizabeth. I'd like to thank you for helping my daughter.” She then looked at Anne and Percy. 

Elizabeth waved a hand. “It was no problem at all Ms. Parr. I was happy to help little Mae here.” She then gestured to the adults beside her. “These are my parents.”

Anne took a moment to shake herself out of the stupor and held out a hand. “Uhm...hello! I’m Anne-” she then pointed to Percy, who also slightly shook his head- “and this is my partner, Percy. It’s nice meeting you Ms. Parr.”

Ms. Parr took the hand that was offered, and shook it. “Please, call me Catherine if we’re going to be casual.”

Anne grinned. “Well then, nice meeting you Catherine. Little Mae here has been very patient waiting for you, and apparently Lizzie here accompanied her.”

Catherine looked down at Mae with an apologetic expression. “I’m sorry that I was late today, sweetie.”

The girl shook her head. “It’s okay Mama, Lizzie fended off some mean boys when I was waiting earlier.”

“How about to make up for being late, we’ll go get some ice cream.” At those words, Mae’s eyes lit up at the prospect of ice cream.

“Yes!”

The three adults and teenager laughed at the little girl’s enthusiasm. Catherine checked her phone for a second, and her eyes widened a bit. “I’m afraid Mae and I have to go now.” she turned to face the other family. “It was nice meeting you. I do hope we meet again sometime in the future, and if there’s anything I can do for you, for helping my daughter, just let me know.”

The adults exchanged contact information, then Catherine and Mae went on their way. Percy, Anne, and Elizabeth watched them walk away. The three of them stood there for a while, before Elizabeth spoke up, “Mae’s scent was weird. That’s not just me, right?” she looked at her parents for answers then continued. “She doesn’t smell like a human, and definitely not a wolf. And you saw how she sniffed the air before her mom arrived, right?”

Both Anne and Percy knew what Elizabeth was talking about, but their minds were too focused on the blue clad woman. To them, it felt like the missing piece was closer than before, but they were worried that their blooming feelings for Catherine meant that they were betraying each other.

However, they admitted to themselves, that it was definitely like love at first sight.

[365days365movies]

March 13, 2021: Kwaidan: The Black Hair (1963)

Three hours of Japanese ghost stories. OK. How do I do?

Time is always a complicated mistress for me, so I really have to plan this accordingly. OK, let’s see, what do I know about Kwaidan? Well, it’s a Japanese anthology film...ahhhhhhhh, there it is!

OK, solution discovered! This film is broken up into four disparate short stories, so we’ll be tackling each one one at a time. Four shorter posts, one full movie! Nice. Now, normally, I’d go through a bit of an introduction, but I don’t know much about this film, or the short movies contained within. So, instead, let’s talk Japanese mythology.

Hate to admit it, but basically all of my knowledge of Japanese gods and folklore comes from anime. Which isn’t the worst source, necessarily...but it’s definitely not the actual source. I’ve seen Noragami Season One, I’ve watched a button of other slice-of-life and folklore-based anime, so I know a little bit. The GF is far more adept (she’s the one who got me into Noragami, amongst other things), and she’ll be watching this movie as well, when she can.

So, I’m a relative novice when it comes to these things. What makes this more interesting is the fact that these stories are based on somewhat more contemporary sources, which means that they may not borrow from Japanese mythology much at all, outside of shared themes and morality. Sound familiar?

Yeah, that basically describes Ugetsu Monogatari, which I covered a few days ago (here, here, and here, in that order). While it’s based off of a book, it shares elements seen in a lot of old Japanese folklore and traditional beliefs. Don’t needlessly pursue material goods and fame over happiness, and don’t fuck ghosts. Yeah, that’s mostly what I learned from that one.

Kwaidan, which literally means “ghost stories” in Japanese, came out over a decade later, is in color, as was directed by Masaki Kobayashi, and this is the only movie of his that I’ve ever heard of, so that’s something. In any case, I’m excited for this one! As excited as I am...worried. Because I have absolutely no idea what I’m in for. LET THE THREE HOURS COMMENCE (broken up into four palatable pieces).

The movie segments are as follows:

The Black Hair (黒髪, Kurokami)

The Woman of the Snow (雪女, Yukionna)

Hoichi the Earless (耳無し芳一の話, Miminashi Hōichi no Hanashi)

In A Cup of Tea (茶碗の中, Chawan no Naka)

We’ll start with The Black Hair, which is giving major “The Ring” vibes, just as a name. We’ll see if I’m right about that, I guess! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/4)

We start it all off with the Criterion Collection logo, and then...ink.

Ink of black, red, and blue, dropped into water set against a white background, is seen cascading down the screen over the opening credits. The titles of the four short films are also introduced, as the ink colors are mixed over a mostly silent background. And once the end, we begin with our first story.

The Black Hair

There’s a dilapidated estate, and as we travel through it, all of the background noises are amplified, and a set of doors opens, seemingly with the breeze. We enter, and a narrator tells us that there was a samurai that lived in old Kyoto, brought to financial ruin by the workings of his former master. To regain financial and social status, he’s decided to leave his wife behind. We join them now.

The samurai (Rentarō Mikuni) leaves his sobbing wife (Michiyo Aratama), refusing to rot away in the estate, no longer dilapidated, as we’ve clearly gone back in time. Despite the desperate pleading of his wife, the samurai leaves Kyoto, and cruelly shoves his wife aside, hitting her with his sheathed sword at one point. So, yeah, he’s a dick. And his quest for fortune will almost certainly be his ruination. Like I said, certain shared themes.

That’s made even clearer by the next scene, in which the samurai is now married to a wealthy woman (Misako Watanabe) that looks very much like the woman from Ugetsu, smudgebrows and...impressively long hair, GODDAMN!

The wealthy family of said daughter welcomes the samurai into the family, and he provides for her while also enjoying a higher social status as a result of the marriage. One day, he brings her to his post, and we clearly see that she’s in love with material possessions, moreso than her husband. Which, yeah, sounds familiar.

Looks like the samurai’s also starting to realize this, and he reminisces about his first wife, presumably still Kyoto. Yeah, bud, ya fucked up, don’t be a dick. Also, I assume that it attracts ghosts, since...you know, this is a ghost story. But yeah, he realizes that he still loves his first wife, patient and loving, as opposed to his cold and selfish second wife.

And so, in his heart and mind, the samurai returns to see his first wife. Meanwhile, in his new life, the samurai is constantly haunted by memories of his first wife. It interferes with his archery on horseback during an exhibition with a competitor. Dude’s fucked up.

Meanwhile, the spoiled second wife is bored, coldly dismissing her handmaidens while waiting for her new husband to attend to her. She happens upon him, asleep next to a scroll. She tries to kiss him, but the great idiot turns her away. She slaps him, upset at both his own selfish ways, and his still-lasting devotion to his wife.

He gives up on pleasing her after this, and decides to officially return to his first wife to make amends for not appreciating her in the first place. However, despite this, his duty as a samurai in the region still lasts a few years, and he’s unable to return to his first wife until that point. And when he does, the place is mostly still OK, but somewhat wrecked on the outside.

Yet, despite this, there she is, working at her loom and spinning wheel. The two are happy to see each other, and the samurai notes that she hasn’t left his mind, and apologizes for being a dick. He also notes that she hasn’t aged a day. Yeah, she’s 100% a ghost, fuck.

Anyway, he begs his definitely ghost-wife for forgiveness, which she quickly and enthusiastically gives. She even says that she never felt worthy for being his wife, and that she doesn’t deserve love from someone of his station, as compared to her own. Goddamn, dude really is a dick for leaving this ACTUAL SAINT of a woman.

He pledges to make amends, and that nothing will ever separate them again. He notes that her hair smells the same as it did before. The same glossy black hair, he notes. He compliments her looks as they kiss. And yeah, real talk, she is a GORGEOUS woman. Again, dude’s a dick. But whatever, at least they’re together again.

And the samurai’s love QUICKLY gives way to horniness, as they make their bed in the room that they “first made love in”, according to him. They pledge to be together for the present and the future, and the swordsman falls asleep with his wide watching over him.

The sun rises the next day, and the samurai wakes up next to his wife, and sees her long black hair...

AAAAAAAAAND it’s a corpse. It’s her dead fuckin’ body, and the hair’s still attached. Saw that coming...although I didn’t think my whole “don’t fuck ghosts” joke would come true that quickly.

AND THEN THE HAIR FUCKING ATTACKS HIM AND DRAINS HIS LIFE FORCE, WHAT IN THE NINE FUCKS

Yeah, no, he’s rapidly aging, and he tries to escape the estate, now obviously completely dilapidated. The now elderly samurai does get out of the estate...but he doesn’t escape.

Damn. Story Number One concluded. 

Weird-ass story, in a way, but very well-shot. as it finishes, the GF begins to elucidate on the actual cultural relationship of this story. Here she is now, actually.

Iridescent. Anyway, she told me about onryō (怨霊), vengeful spirits that come to exact revenge on those who committed wrongs on them or in general, taking their spirits from their dying bodies. Apparently, husbands wronging their wives and getting fucked over by the spirits is a common occurrance. Neat.

It’s also possibly a reference to the yōkai called the futakuchi-onna (二口女). That one, I already knew about. She’s the two-faced woman with her second face hidden behind her long hair, draped and kept down. Said hair is also prehensile! And for the record, I only knew about her because of this:

Yup, Mawile is a Steel/Fairy type Pokémon based on the futakuchi-onna. Neat, huh?

Anyway, that’s the end of the first story...shall we move on to the second one? Next up, Kwaidan: The Snow Woman! See you there!

[vinylhazza]

Imagine Graysons gf is an architect or civil engineering. Helping them with the moving home (van). That would be so funny. The boys wanting to do it like they want and y/n standing there and thinking wtf. Like “hey, I’m here the architect/ civil engineering. And boys that won’t fit in there.” And gray being: “and I love to build. Babe, it’s gonna fit.” And Ethan “yeah, trust us..” and after preparing the things the boys check that u were right but they didn’t wanna tell u.

a couple hours ago

“okay so here it is! we already have a layout of everything i just wanted to let you see it,” grayson explains, placing a kiss against the heated skin of your cheek.

but of course you know that isn’t true. you know you’re here to help because he’d been laying sneaky notes around the house for weeks about your “marvelous degree” and what an “asset” it would be if you would “help him with something”. he wasn’t the most subtle of men. but then again neither was ethan when he came right out and asked you to help them today. at least he’s upfront.

you didn’t mind though, you knew they would try and cram whatever they could into this van and make it the hardest living space known to man. if you could make it easier on you while you all traveled the country, you were okay with that. it was a big van, you had to admit - but not big enough for their much larger ideas. 

“c’mere let me show you what we have and tell me what you think,” grayson continues, unwrapping his sturdy arms from your waist to drift over to the table sitting next to the van - a diagram is spread out on the slab of wood, and you can already tell he’s trying to do the most. 

before you can say a thing, he begins explaining everything from the beds to the storage space, privacy, and ideas for lighting that won’t run down the battery significantly. you wait patiently while both ethan and grayson bounce their ideas off one another, getting into a little argument about which side they claim before apologizing quickly after. they know how much you hate their pointless bickering. 

their hands are animated, voices raising, so excited to show you what they have figured out…that it sort of makes you feel bad that you’re going to have to knock down some of their dreams about the van. it’s not that the ideas weren’t great - because they were - it’s just that…they think there is much more room than there is. 

but you waited until they finished and removed their hands from the detailed diagram to look at you before you begin talking. graysons face falls when he sees your hesitation. 

“what’s wrong? you don’t like it?” he sputters, elbowing ethan when he mutters “told you so” under his breath. 

grayson is a fabulous builder, you have to give him that. most of the time he is wonderful with knowing proportions and understanding that you simply don’t have room for everything you want. there are ways to have the things you want without cramming so many things into one place. 

“i love it gray…but you aren’t going to have enough room,” you sigh, not wanting to see the sad puppy dog look on his face after you tell him your professional opinion. 

“what do you mean? this mattress will go here, this one will go here, and then we have this little cabinet and a fridge right here-” he tries swaying you by pointing to places he’s already shown you. you nod along once again. 

“yeah i get that babe but…once again, you won’t have room for all that. dual purpose building is going to be your best bet. you want a table and a bed - you can have both if you do this wisely. i can show you if you want?” you shrug your shoulders, knowing it’s frustrating for him to have mapped it all out and get hyped up to show you just to have his architect girlfriend come in and step on it - but you’re just trying to stop him from sabotaging the project. 

grayson rounds the table once again while ethan goes to play with his new friend, a small cat he found hiding by some wood in the corner. his hands are placed on your shoulders to give you a gentle massage, reassuring you only the tiniest bit. 

“i hear what you’re saying…but i love building and i really think i got this down to a science. it’s gonna fit,” he chuckles, calling your bluff. 

“yeah trust us,” ethan calls from his perched position, hand gliding down the fuzzy back of a cat. 

“whatever you say g, let me know when you’re smushed and can’t move. I have a lunch date with my mom though so i’ll be back in a bit?” you laugh, knowing he’s bullshitting you. I mean…you would kind of know if something wasn’t going to fit. it’s literally your profession to make sure everything having to do with something being built - aka a living space - is up to par. but you’ll let them find out on their own. 

“you’re gonna be so proud. have fun, love you,” he grins, kissing your lips and patting your butt while you walk away, earning a little squeal from you. 

“bye bitchface,” you call to ethan before walking from the shop, knowing if they continue with the plan they have - they will regret it. 

if there was one thing grayson hated more than anything, it was admitting he was wrong about building something. he spent nearly an hour looking over the plan he spent so long coming up with - only for he and ethan to measure everything out and discover that you were right. you were fucking right and that was so annoying. not because you were right but because he was so confident and now he just felt like an idiot. 

“god dammit,” grayson mutters, slamming his hands down on the table with a rising temper. he and ethan had tried everything to make their plan work - but the measurements just weren't there. he would have to go with the new plan and he hated to say it but he really wanted to know what idea you were going on about earlier. 

“it’s fine bro, it happens. just let her help?” ethan chuckles with a pat on his back right when you come strutting back through the shop door with a dazzling smile and a welcoming kiss for your pouty looking man. 

his bottom lip is poked out into a grumpy pout, his head hung over the new diagram you’d noticed when you walked into the door. there were definitely more scribbles and things crossed out than when you left. you’d had a pleasant time with your mother, chatting her up about how amazing grayson was, just girl talk. but you had been eager to get back and see if you had been right about your philosophy on lack of space. seems like you were. 

“so did you guys come up with something or did it end up working out for you?” you smile knowingly up at him, arm swung around his hip while you examine if he’s going to try and fib or not. 

“uh...well...it’s kind of complicated you see-”

“what grayson is trying to say it that you were right and he was wrong and we had to come up with a new game plan,” ethan speaks over his brother, earning himself a glare from gray in the process. you would have no know anyway, “we kind of need your help with that dual purpose thingy you were talking about.” 

“hm” you hum, nodding. you knew it was going to happen anyway. fortunately you had drawn out your own little plan while sitting with your mother at lunch. she knew it was just who you are and what you do, so she didn’t mind when you cleared the table to lay out the large piece of paper that was folded into your purse, sketching out your own plan that was sure to work.

you swing your purse off your shoulder for it to land over the diagram. you reach a hand inside to pull out your own sketch of the van, laying it into grayson’s large hand with a smile. 

“i’m still very proud of you, but this is what I was thinking,” you reassure him, kissing at his cheek right by the clear safety glasses that rested on his face. 

“let’s see it,” ethan perks up, setting down the cat to lean his elbows on the table, just in time for grayson to unfold the sheet and have it neatly splayed out on the table over the old plan. 

it was amazing. I mean of course it was amazing you had a fucking gift and he couldn't deny that. you captured the vision of what he wanted from the very beginning and he was shocked speechless while he looked down at the frayed piece of paper from going all around LA in your purse. you even put a mushy little scribble about how handsome he was and how good he looked while he built the van and made it perfect - earning a gagging sound from ethan next to you. 

“shut up bitch not like you haven't gotten a mushy note from your girlfriend before, I would know,” you narrow your eyes at him, having seen the notes that his girlfriend leaves for him every morning before work. she’d helped her with them a few times for God’s sake. they were very good friends so it wasn’t a shocker from ethan to know that she had seen them. he still took the chance to flip her off. 

“wait baby this is so amazing,” grayson is speechless, pulling you in for a hug so tight you have to tap at his shoulder for him to let go, “thank you so much angel.” 

“no biggie, just a little somethin’,” you giggle, ethan pulling you into a hug shortly after. 

“no really thank you so much this is great! we have everything we need plus a little wiggle room,” they both gush, running to the van with the paper to try and imagine what it would look like.  

you spend the rest of the day picking out fabrics, measuring out the new plan, and making sure that everything fits before they finally get started with the crew to bring the van to life. 

a few days later and it’s finished . it is exactly what you imagined it would be. perfect for the four of you surprisingly. it felt like a stretch that grayson, you, ethan, and kyle would all stay in one van but with your plan it actually ended up being perfect. they finally understood your dual purpose example - loving that the table could actually lower down and turn into a queen size bed. killing two birds with one stone is what you were good at. 

is was grayson and ethan that did most of the work, along with the crew of course. it wasn't like you minded getting your hands dirty, grayson was just very particular about how he wanted to build things so you left him to have his fun with ethan. it was their video of course. what the fans didn't know didn't hurt them.  you were just excited you could get creative juices flowing again, meaning the video will be the greatest it can be, meaning you’d be on the road very soon and be on the adventure you’ve been looking forward to for so long.

[avmisworld]

NCT Dream as your best friends:

Renjun:

He's like your very annoying brother

Acts like you're his little sister even if you're older than him

Teases you all the time about your non existent bf/gf, about your height... Anything he can really.

Teaches you curse words in Chinese so you can trashtalk the members (excluding Chenle)

Ruffles your hair all the time, mostly to annoy you.

(but also because he secretly thinks you're cute whenever you scowl at him)

Pretends he doesn't enjoy your company but sulks whenever you can't meet up

Sends you memey pictures of himself and of the members

Both of you have so much private jokes and codes

You can have full conversations without anyone understanding a thing

You guys bicker a lot

But even when you fight you make up almost immediately

Usually Renjun just texts you randomly as if nothing happened

Gets very jealous if you give someone more attention than you give him

Hates when you babie him

Acts like a tough guy around you but is actually just a marshmallow in disguise.

Jeno:

The sweetest relationship uwu

Everyone thinks you guys are a couple because of your great chemistry

Jeno will literally place his life in your hands without hesitation

You guys can talk for hours on end about the stupidest stuff

But you can also have really deep conversations sometimes

His gallery is full of pictures he took of you in every situation possible

Sleeping, eating, laughing etc...

Takes your opinion very seriously, so he constantly invites you to Dream's dance practices

You two go shopping together

Jeno always ends up carrying your bags

Despite promising that this time he won't

You guys usually go out to eat when you're together

Always complains that he gains weight everytime you're together

Your parents know Jeno and he's practically like a son to them

Same goes to you

He texts you every day

Even if he doesn't have anything to say he'll still text you

Always thinking about you, especially when you aren't together

Buys you souvenirs when he's in another country

You two don't fight at all

But sometimes you bicker like an old married couple

Usually about how Jeno should sleep more or how you should stop dieting

You're the only one who laughs from his corny ass jokes

One of the main reasons he loves you so much lol

You guys cuddle a lot

AKA you clinging to Jeno while he suffers with a smile on his face

Link arms while walking cause you cheesy AF

It still surprises you what a beast he is on stage

But to you he'll always be a giant puppy:')

Haechan:

The most dangerous friendship tbh

You've known each other since you were kids

You probably thought Haechan was annoying AF when you first met him (don't tell him that tho)

Pranking NCT members the majority of the time

And if you aren't, then you're probably pranking each other

Roasting each other 24/7

People probably think you hate each other but it's just your dynamic

TONS of SKIN SHIP

Haechan is always ruffling your hair, pulling on your ear, pinching your cheek...

Your time together mostly consists of pissing each other off and cuddling while watching K-dramas

Cooks for you all the time

There's a fairly good chance he'll come over at two in the morning and start making you kimchi jiggae or something

Lots of sleepovers at your place when he's done with the 127 hyungs

Misses you so much when he's working

Also denies that fact religiously

But the members tell you how much he whines to them about needing to see you

Facetimes you at the most random times and feels betrayed when you don't answer

Your text messages consist of memes, ugly picture and emojis that only you understand the meaning of

Probably has some really cheesy nickname on his phone for you

Definitely changes his contact name on your phone to "the light of my life" or something gross like that

Your fights are just lots of yelling and silent treatments

Usually they start because of an insensitive comment that one of you said

But that hardly happens because you're so used to each other's bratty asses by now

Jaemin:

Jaemin is practically your mother and your personal bodyguard

Very overprotective

He's always making sure you ate, slept on time, got your work done...

Calls you every two minutes when he's away

Saved your name in his phone as 공주님 (princess)

You saved his as 엄마 (mother)

Your parents love him because of his charming personality and probably secretly want you two to date

Buys you clothes when he's away and surprises you with them when he comes back

You always have one of his sweaters at your house because he always lends them to you when he thinks it's cold and forgets to take it back

Very affectionate with you

Kisses your cheeks and your forehead in the most random moments

Tackles you out of the blue when he wants hugs

You go out together a lot

Sometimes you go to the movies, sometimes you do a picnic, sometimes you just sleepover and eat takeout and gossip

You take lots of aesthetic pictures of each other

Have so much selfies together

One of them is probably Jaemin's lock screen or something

You feel very comfortable with each other

He knows everything about you and the other way around

Listens to whatever you say without judging, even if it's a rant about some guy you're crushing on

Will be up for whooping anyone's ass if they hurt you

Facetimes you when he's away

Sometimes you don't even talk, just minding your own business together

Both of you probably fall asleep in the middle

Flirts with you all the time

But uses only horrible pick up lines

"Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got fine written all over you"

Chenle:

So loud OMG

There's not a dull moment when you're together

You guys are like twins or something

You have some sort of telepathy that no one can understand

Laughing randomly without any obvious reason is practically your thing

You guys thrive off teasing each other and others

Gang up to drive the hyungs up the wall

You call each other soulmates everywhere you go

The type of bff's who finish each other's sentences

He buys you super expensive presents all the time

The type to see a diamond necklace and be like "oh Y/N might like this" and buy it

You talk mostly on Snapchat when you're apart

Chenle sends you snaps of everything he does

Literally everything

You have many cute pictures together

Also lots of weird ones

You've been to his house so much times you already have a room there

Pretty clingy

Always backhugging you or side hugging you

Likes to pull your hair to annoy you

Talks about you so much

The members probably know all about your adventures together

Teaches you Chinese and is surprisingly supportive and patient with you

Loves to explain about his culture to you and thinks it's cute you're so interested

You just make him happy tbh

Jisung:

You're the only person he trusts

The loyal BFF

Always says he doesn't need anyone when he has you

Appreciates your friendship so much uwu

You basically grew up together

Invites you to every one of his comebacks and gets super sad if you can't make it

You're his biggest supporter

Takes everything you say VERY seriously

Sends you every picture he wants to upload to Instagram to hear your opinion about it

Doesn't like when you get too close with the other members

Tries not to make it obvious but he's pouty and gives you the cold shoulder so it shows

Says he'll forgive you only if you buy him ice cream (a baby)

You're always taking his clothes to the point you have a small closet in your room just for them

Gets embarrassed whenever you hug him or squeeze his cheeks but he secretly loves it

Probably freaks out if you ever date someone because he's so afraid he'll be replaced

Texts you every few days when he's away to make you sure you didn't forget him

You go together to amusement parks or escape rooms or other stuff like that

Just anything extreme

Tries to prove he's a man by winning you plushies at the amusement park

Still doesn't change the fact that he's a really tall baby

He pretends to get embarrassed by your stupid shit but he honestly can't live without you

Is a bit awkward when it comes to deep conversations

So if you're sad or unwell he'll probably just take out his phone and watch fail complications on YouTube with you until you laugh

Doesn't talk to you much about his own feelings

So sometimes you feel insecure about your relationship, which is the main reason for fights between you two

But in the end of the day you know all the important stuff one way or another

Will cancel any plan he has to spend more time with you<3

[szopenhauer]

What type of friend are you?  funny mom friend so like... dad friend? XD 

Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? nah

Do you have a family member you hate? could say so

Does your family accept who you are? it’s complicated

Have you ever puked in school or at work? luckily not

Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? hate 

Have you ever coughed up blood? nope

Do you lie to your doctor? sometimes we all have to but nothing important

Have you ever been misdiagnosed? yup

Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? that too

Is self diagnosing good or bad? depends

Do you think sex is overated? it is

Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies? I’m not dating men, I don’t want to have a son and I am not a doctor so I don’t care about male bodies, sorry

If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? ...

Have you ever dated someone more than twice your age? nooo

Have you ever been cut off by a bartender because you were too drunk? I don’t drink

Have you ever borrowed money from your mom & lied about why you needed it? I don’t think so

Have you ever dated someone just because they had money? no

Have you ever lied to your spouse about the money you spent shopping? it wasn’t a lie but I bend the truth a little 

Have you ever gone on a first date with no underwear? I might go without a bra but because I don’t wanna wear it and not because I might have sex 

Do you treat attractive people better than others who aren’t as attractive? nope

Are you more comfortable with friends that are less attractive than you? not less but not more as more attractive might make me feel insecure at times

Have you ever hated a job to the point that you tried to get fired? I would if they let me stay in few places but luckily they didn’t care much about me as their worker hahaha

Have you ever lied about your weight on a driver license? there is weight on a driving license? :o

Have you ever lied during a job interview? meh

Have you ever lied to your boss to get out of work? I exaggerated feeling sick once to not get a job in a horrible place if that counts

Have you ever lied under oath in court? I wouldn’t!

Have you ever bought alcohol for someone underage? I said NO

Have you ever switched tags on an item to pay less for it? I only took tag from an identical item, just different color, as someone tore it out before and I really wanted that particular color, so no

Have you taken any pics of yourself that you wont want your parents to see? umm... yeah ^^”

Did you ever tell your BF/GF you like their outfit when you really didn’t? there are different types of like - like as I would want to wear that myself and like as I enjoy it in general but also like it on particular person etc. 

Do you feel accepted by your BF/GF ’s family? could be worse lol

Do you lie about your age? what for if everybody think I’m younger anyway

Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? maybe

Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? hell no

Have you ever snuck out of the house to go out with friends? not really

Have you ever shoplifted? no way

Have you ever done something because of peer pressure you are ashamed of? yup Have you ever been embarrassed to introduce your parents to anyone? omg

Have you ever held back a well deserved compliment because you were jealous? I don’t recall

Do you guilt people into giving you what you want? hope not, I try not to, it’s manipulative and I already am seen this way due to my BPD so... 

Would most ppl consider you better than average looking? pfft Would you prefer to have hot body or high IQ? good health

Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? I’m ashamed to tell them that I don’t have a job 

Would you give up your car to save the planet? if I had one...

Are you more likely to believe a man or woman? woman :x

Has your credit card ever been declined? I don’t use a credit card

If you ran over an animal would you keep driving? oh no...

Do you think your parents are too critical of you? my mother is

Ever blame a sibling for something you did wrong? I usually have to take the blame for her instead

Have you ever accepted credit for someone else’s work? just my alters lmfao

Did you ever buy something expensive,wear it once and return it? I didn’t, I have no money to buy and no heart to act like this either

Have you ever re-gifted something? shitload of times

Do you really care about saving the planet for future generations? not for future ppl, just for itself

Do you own anything from IKEA? not furniture 

What was the last task that you required the use of scissors for? I just dropped them and let them lay on the floor under the table because I am unable to reach ‘em

Look around the room and name any item that’s grey. stuffed bad from Biedronka that I got on a flea market

Do you know what any of your close friends did yesterday afternoon? me and M. been spending time together while my parents were at home

Can you recall the last time you woke up in a bad mood? Why was that? I always do?...

Who was the last person to send you a message with a heart emoji? my gf obviously

Does your hometown have many good bookshops? none

What would be your typical outfit for a party? I don’t attend parties 

If your girlfriend/​​boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do? oh...

last dream you had: K. 3D printed or smth almost identical album as the ones I had as a baby and her and my current partner gave it to me as a gift :3

do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? I aware of that

is your best friend pissing you off at this exact moment? I informed my father that I dropped scissors and now as I picked them up he asked me when and how they ended up there while I told him about it few minutes ago - I was more worried than annoyed tbh

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? she’s taking a nap

Sex ruins relationships, right? it can happen

Last person to stand up for you? hmm...

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? I lost count which is weird because I cry in front of my family members only (not even my grandma until I was a baby), I know that sometimes I cry in public but because I don’t give a fuck about strangers as much as I used to, close ones in the other hand... Nat hates the most when someone sees him so vulnerable

Something good going to happen tomorrow? doubt it

The last person you kissed hates you. Why? would have reasons

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11? it’s a secret you can unlock in a very high level of our relationship

Do you like your cell phone? it’s ok

So, what if you married the last person you kissed? we’re engaged so that dream ain’t that unreal

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? uh oh

Do you plan on moving out within the next year? I wish

What are you listening to at the moment? mom and dad talking <rolling my eyes>

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? or never

What’s your favorite high school memory? I have a bunch of those

Do you wish you had more money? absolutely

Team Jacob or Team Edward? team hate Twilight

Do you have a problem with bisexual, gay, or bicurious people? with bicurious maybe, definitely not gay

Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex? I have

Are you a patient person? weirdly unpatient Do you think you are a good person? am not

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? ewww

Is there a difference between the word ‘best friend’ and ‘friend’? there is 

How was your week? rollerclaster XD

Does it bother you when an artist remakes a song that one has previously done? usually

When was the last time you cried? recently

What letter is the song you’re listening to under? M if vocalist/band B if title of the song

Would you rather visit the 60s or 70s? 60s I guess

Do your socks say anything on them? I have no socks with anything said on them

Name a TV channel that only has three letters in it. BBC

Gray or Grey? grey

Will you be buying concert tickets any time soon? I won’t

Have you seen the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower? Did you like it? yasss, it was fine

How many weddings have you been to? less than 5

When you smile, are you confident? I am not

Have you ever not done something because you were afraid of getting in trouble? of course

Was the weather beautiful today? it’s cold

Do you have to have a fan on when you sleep? I don’t own a fan Would you rather have an orange, red or gray bedroom? walls? orange 

Would you ever dye part of your hair blue? why not whole

Is Finding Nemo a favorite movie of yours? I dislike it

Does/Did your school have a uniform? middle school only and that was a great idea

Turn on the TV. What channel are you on? not gonna

What’s your favorite thing to do? nothing

If your house was haunted, what would you do? depends

What’s worse: Slow internet or slow walkers? slow internet

Are you a fast or slow walker? which alter? :P

Do you usually have to wear a belt with your pants? I must buy belt for Nat

Are you usually the person to try new things with your hair? no comment

What age do you look forward to reaching? I live on borrowed air...

What exercise do you hate the most? awkward ones

Do you know anyone that has a gecko as a pet? no

What color shirt is your mom wearing today? she’s wearing a striped pajama and light blue sweater atm

Does any part of your body hurt right now? mor than one

Do you like Greek Mythology? not a fan

When was the last time you had Pepsi? ages ago

What was the last question you answered, not on surveys? it was more an order than a question coming from my mom 

Do you own anything Polo? used to

Do you know anyone with exaggeratedly big muscles? neighbor

What is your favorite endangered animal? are elephants still endangered?

Do you like to dance? kinda, from time to time Who was the last person who screamed your name? mom’s calling me again, grrr...

Which underwater creature do you find the most badass? what do you mean?

How do you usually find out what the weather will be like for the next week? someone tells me, I ignore them, they were wrong all along

Why have/haven’t you joined Twitter? I left as it was boring and irritating Are you good at rhyming? but don’t like to rhyme

When’s the last time you were woken up in an obnoxious way? lately it’s common

Why do you/don’t you enjoy horror movies? they’re disgusting and pointless

Do you have any celebrity’s perfume? I don’t use perfume

How well do you do at Scrabble? in polish or english?

Who is your favorite Scooby-Doo character? Velma I suppose

Have you ever played or been interested in playing World Of Warcraft? been interested, liked the movie

What kind of cake/other dessert treat did you have for your last birthday? nothing?

Who do you think does the best job at cartoon voiceovers? Jarosław Boberek 

Does your dad wear a watch all the time? years ago frequently

How much ice cream do you think you’d be able to eat before you got sick? only a bit

Do you know anybody under 40 with grey hair? I have some myself

Do you think you have the potential to be a good stalker? oh well...

Why did you read the last book that you read? I watched film and heard it has a different ending so wanted to check it out

Have you ever cross-dressed? clothes have no gender but I drew mustaches and such 

Which sport are you the best at playing? unihokej/floorball or however it’s called

Do you know anyone who has gotten pregnant despite using contraception? possibly

What would you do if you were in that situation? I’m an asexual and I’m into girls

Are you planning on buying a house in the near future? not possible

Do you prefer on-campus classes or online classes? online

What was your favorite family vacation you went on as a kid? personal

What’s something about you that others might find unpleasant or off-putting? my skin for example (not color)

What gaming consoles do you own? I only play PC and android 

Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? been to ER few times

Do you know any lesbian couples? I’m in one ;)

Have you ever lived in an apartment building?  just when I was staying with my grandmother

What was the last topic you asked someone for their opinion or advice on? not sure which was last

Is your house visible on Google Street View?- barely

What’s the largest thing you currently have in your refrigerator? *shrug*

Do you know anyone who has never had a pet? I believe

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? no thx

Would you take the 3 minute beatdown to be in a gang? neither Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? not every single time, it’s impossible!

Does it make you uncomfortable when you receive a compliment? sorta, I think they’re lying/want something or make fun of me (even if just slightly teasing for fun)

When you are home alone at night and hear strange noises, are you afraid someone is going to break in? I’m more “ghost” type of person hahaha

Do you wake up cranky? mhm

What is on your wrists right now? sleeves

Are you a beach, country, or city person? country or small town

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? we are 

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? ex - I got a gift and found a shirt for Nat and myself :3

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? -

Are you waiting for something? food

Something you do a lot? suffer

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? it’s not about the amount

What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? she likes hugs

How long have you liked the person you like? it’s a long story 

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? not our last kiss

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? I worry

Have you ever given your ALL to someone who walked away?

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? we kissed 

Are you one of those people who are always cold? not always but often

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? I still feel like it even tho I don’t, I thrift often but spend little for those trinkets

Did you sing at all today? może coś nuciłam, nie pamiętam, w headspace?

Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? weather

Do you own any articles of clothing with skulls on it? gave it away to John

Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? typing on the computer

In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? hate

Tongue piercings - cute or trashy? trashy

When it comes to jeans: skinny, flared or boot cut? skinny

Would you rather be a star ballerina or a star break dancer? none

They say diamonds are a girls best friend; what do you say? I don’t care for diamonds

Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? plenty of times

Do you get on better with funny or serious people? smth in between

Do you have mood swings around the time of the month? I don’t need period to have mood swings, it’s stereotypical!

Have your friends met the last person you kissed? aha

What if you got stuck in a lift with the last person who Facebook messaged you? we would end up having sex? jk

When/where did your last hug take place? today

Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? kind of

Do you and your friends have any inside jokes? and with family 

When you listen to music, do you ever find that the songs affect your moods and change how you feel? no shit Sherlock!

What’s one thing about today that you didn’t like? don’t wanna talk about all that

Who is the last person that you said i love you to, besides family members? my fiancee

Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? done

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? we’re together again

Do you have a picture of you kissing someone? :D

What’s a cuss word you use often? there’s a whole list

Who’s the last guy you texted? dad

Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? this question...

Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? I remember how we met

Do you believe that people talk about you behind your back? ha!

If you had twins, would you give them rhyming names? yuk

What are you listening to? Tame Impala - Let It Happen

Did you do something mean to someone today? she deserved it!

Is there anyone that you wish was IN your life who used to be? babcia...

Give us a lyric from a song you’re listening to: The truth of it is it doesn’t get better than this

Is your birthday in less than 6 months? whoops

What brings out the worst in you? better not say that out loud

How’re you feeling right now? bad

Are you afraid of the future? very

Do you believe in true love? I’m trying

Do you believe that every one has a soul-mate? not everybody

Was today a good day? should be better

What woke you up this morning? woke up on my own

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them? I don’t 

Have you ever played naked twister? wut...

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? not yet and don’t plan to keep it that long

Would you get in trouble if you came home drunk? that would be a shock to my family (and to me)

Do you ever think about things and start to worry? 100% of the time

Are you one to get annoyed easily? that me!

Is the last person you kissed yours? we don’t own ppl...

Was it a boy or a girl to text you first today? girl

Are you scared of spiders? am not

Do you hate the last boy who talked to you? I love my parent

Do you tend to make things complicated? not on purpose

Have you ever gotten to the point where you’ve said “I’m done trying”? gqe1gIQASGCK...

Do you think things will change in the next few months? I’m afraid for worse 

Do you like when people play with your hair? it’s strange

What are you wearing right now? bluzę w czarne i białe paski, zieloną bluzkę z długimi rękawami i szare legginsy z niebieskim wzorkiem

Ever feel like you have been replaced? more than once

Would you rather write a paper or give a speech? write

Are you lying to yourself about something? thx a lot for this ask...

Is the person you last texted single? she’s with me

Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? tha hell

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to? just my own apartment

Which do you prefer, relationship or a one-night-stand? relationship

[raqsebismil]

“If you start birth control i want to take care of you and do nice things for you because that shit can be damaging. Whats your favorite flower? Hydrangeas, daisies...”

How do i tell this boy im seeing (without crying) that 3 months ago my ex was too stubborn to buy me flowers and thats why we broke up after about 2 years of constantly giving him chances to make up for his mistakes..... because i believed so much in love that i thought he would just *get it* eventually if i kept staying. That eventually he’ll see how much i care for him and attempt to make similar effort for me more often. And i think in many ways he did realize the imbalance because he often would ask me why im still with him. And i had no answer other than that i love him. But love itself isnt enough. I felt emotionally neglected.

Its funny how it ended up being about flowers but thats obviously not the reason why. I had a traumatic abortion and he only took care of me in a physical way by being affectionate and sexual which is really nothing new coming from him. Then when he became sick and broke i was doing whatever i possibly could to be supportive of him. While bleeding heavily everyday for a few months straight. I looked out for him so much. I really felt for him and wanted to protect him and make sure he is at his best self, but that compassion was not returned to me.

I dont understand what makes a man so stubborn and defensive to his gf who is in a horrible state, the same person who financially supported him so many times, stayed by his side as he could barely move, went through hell and back with him. It’s not about the flowers. You have no depth whatsoever to believe that was the case and i know his friend sees it that way which is hilarious considering the crazy things ive been through just to pick him in the end every time. I hate people who are quick to demonize others when they see a snippet of a highly complicated relationship. I’d rather someone not be a coward and just confront me if they have any reason to criticize me. Or at least not be surprised and upset when i confront them myself.

Anyway i spent so much time and energy hoping i could love & discipline him into being a better person. I didnt want it to go to waste. I was scared of starting over with someone new but here i am doing it and its strange but beautiful

Also i sincerely hope he heals. I hope he figures out how to be more reliable and communicative. I hope he finds stability. I really hope to see him happy in the future. I actually really wish we started out as friends so we could return to that but i dont think he knows how to see me as a friend so its better to have no contact.

I hope i was something of a catalyst for him? I hope i opened his mind to all the things he didnt want to face and im sorry i was too moody and intense to lead him through it. If he was a patient and i was a therapist i think i wouldve done wonders for him honestly. But as a partner its too many flaws to ignore. I can still love you and accept you in the end but as a lover youre too close for me to not get upset at when you hurt my feelings. I think thats the real problem. We just never were compatible as lovers. Doesnt mean i hate him. We just probably shouldnt have been a thing to begin with but we met at our lowest points and built a bond and i hate change and i guess he did too.

Its good to write this shit out than keep it in. I’m lucky and grateful my current partner is so understanding and loving that we have no secrets. He even told me it was a good idea if i write my ex a letter someday if i wanted to add a little closure/ peace to the ending. His openness and transparency with me is so refreshing. It’s exactly what i had been wanting. I like how my life has become. I’m still getting used to a new body and new being. New presence, voice, tastes, sound, new touches, new gestures, new jokes, new interests of a very beautiful brilliant person i get to call mine. Unbelievable. I’m not looking back anymore. It’s okay to give up. It’s okay to start new. It can be so exciting but mostly i feel calm and steady with my boyfriend. He inspires me so much as an artist and spiritual person. I really adore him so much 🥺