#people have been really responsive and i’m just i know that if i apply myself i can do it

[fingertipsmp3]

What I really don’t get is job interviewers who make it clear that they don’t want you or don’t think you could do the job well, and when you try to defend yourself they come up with weird fucking contradictions. Like. Why the fuck are you even bothering to interview me at this point. Genuinely why waste your time. I know you’re getting paid to waste this half hour with me instead of doing your actual job, but still

[seventh-district]

my sincerest apologies to anyone who’s messages, comments, etc. that i haven’t replied to yet. i’m just so terribly stressed and busy irl that i’ve barely even been online at all for the past week and at this point i can’t make any promises about when i can update things or reply to things but just. know that i’m trying my absolute best and lowkey running myself into the ground over here and i know it’s probably not obvious and it sounds like an excuse cause i don’t seem like a busy person but there’s a lot of things that happen in my life that i can’t/don’t/shouldn’t/won’t talk about and i really am just. so overwhelmed from it all that i can’t have the consistent online presence i’d like to have. i’m sorry.

i will get back to any comments or messages on all my various platforms as soon as i can. i promise. i just don’t know when “soon” is at this point.

[neil-gaiman]

Hi Neil.

I know you are flooded with asks and this somehow became extremely long. Too long. “Why am I suddenly telling this poor man my life story?” too long. “I think I’d rather he work on the GO3 script than read this wild beast” too long. “He’s going to think you’re criminally dangerously insane” too long. If you never get to it, I’m good with never seeing a response from you. Maybe it’s better that way? Maybe an anon would have been nice here. But, it’s 2024, so I say “we ball.” It’s a privilege to be able to send this to you at all. You get a lot to this effect and I hope they give you good feels, so maybe what’s the harm, yeah? Because this is not an ask. This is a thank you letter.

First, thanks for reblogging my therapist post, I hope it amused you. I nearly sent you “How am i supposed to explain this to my therapist?!” But refrained. At that time.

So, therapy. What is therapy really? Well…

Things have been really rotten for as long as I can remember. Bad health, bad doctors, bad relationships, bad coping mechanisms, bad all kinds of things. (Yeah, bad is a weak and unhelpful word, my therapist reminds me, but we’re doing this.)

Well, things got even more really really rotten and BAD these last few years. Health declined further, coping mechanisms declined further and more intensely, packed up my life, applied for disability, moved back in with my parents across the country.

Then 4 years ago last week I watched my fiance die of a sudden heart attack. I was 29. Two years later my best friend died. Then last summer I sauntered vaguely into a cancer scare. Not long before an operation my cat who has been my companion through so much garbage died as well. I’m not entirely in the clear on the cancer scare front. All my attempts at going back to work, volunteering, going to grad school - they collapsed on me because I couldn’t get through this STUFF.

(Sometimes when I talk about this, when I tell people, I think “they are going to think you are a raging pathological liar.” Because I’m not sure I would believe someone if they told me all of this happened to them. In such a short time period. All before they were 35. And hell if that hasn’t been isolating. You know how it sounds? Lonely. And it is.)

I did the hypervigilant and sensation/experience chasing stage of PTSD. It got me in a lot of trouble in all kinds of ways. I had to do a lot of medical and psych advocating because things kept getting worse. That was exhausting. Then that peaked. I went into the thick of the “I feel absolutely nothing” stage for a long time. I didn’t feel fatigue or hunger or thirst. Not people, feelings, a reason. Not hope.

But of course, like seems be for a lot of us, I somehow found Good Omens at just the right time. I was a very “I’m so cool and intellectual I mostly consume non-fiction media” person for too long. Like, what? How is that even a real thing? And it wasn’t real. It was just part of this curated autism mask that I don’t think anyone really bought anyway.

I think I got to a point where I’d just had too much reality. I needed fantasy. I didn’t realize I always needed it. But I denied myself for too many odd and painful reasons. Maybe I thought it was an escape I didn’t deserve.

But as it turns out, it wasn’t an escape. I watched both seasons last fall, and then this light came on. I watched it again and again.

I came to tumblr because I needed more. I found this fandom. I stepped into this beautiful world of fanart and fanfiction and brain flexing meta writing and a sense of community and wonder that you and Terry created - that everyone involved in the show inflated - exploded in the right way - like fireworks if fireworks were some kind of autocatalytic reaction - a self perpetuating force.

It’s not a “saved my life” feeling. Not a “getting my life back” feeling. It’s been a “maybe it’s time for you to have the life you’ve always been denied - that you’ve denied yourself” feeling.

I’m creating. I’m not “great” yet. Not terribly “good” at all. Maybe “behind” as far as the “proper” timeline for starting. I know there isn’t one, not really, but boy does that society machine make ya feel like there is. And sure, I started and stopped a lot in the past. But the second it got hard I always gave up. I felt like if I didn’t get it “right” to begin with, then I just didn’t have it in me at all. But for once I’m really in it. I’m writing and trying to draw things that look less like fever dream five year old drawings. (Not that there’s anything wrong with those, is there? 🙃) I’m eating better. I’m sleeping better. I reach out to old friends more. I’ve made new friends who share this love of Good Omens.

My therapist has been floored by the change in me. After that first funny mini flop, he has been so encouraging about it. I saw him this week and I said “Maybe this is helping me get prepared to start living again. Maybe it’s a springboard.” And he honest to god said “But You ARE living. This is YOU LIVING. Why does it have to be a springboard? Why do you have to turn this into ‘work?’ Just let yourself have this for once in your life.”

But there were two more added elements that made it all work. And I can’t help but think this whole brainrot thing wouldn’t have happened without them. So many things just happened all at just the right time - a proper coincidence.

In all of the madness of the last few years I finally got the memo that I'm autistic. i figured I was for a while. But it finally sunk in for me and my docs and my people. So I’d been working on unpacking that. Grieving the life that could have been entirely different, shedding the mask. I let myself hyperfixate openly instead of hiding it and hating myself for “spiralling” or “obsessing” like others -!like ‘I’ always punished myself for before we knew that it was a trait and not a personality flaw.

Then over the last few months my therapist and I started trying this new exercise. One session he stopped me and said “in the last 20 minutes you have responded to what I’ve said with 9 ‘I knows.’” My response to that? “Ugh, I know.” So we started this “I know” swear jar type situation. Really, I’ve been afraid of not knowing. I couldn’t let myself “not know.” Because it meant I was “dumb.” I was just drowning for so long in guilt and self loathing for the “I knew better and screwed up anyway.” Or “I should’ve known better - I should know that by now.”

As it turns out, there’s a lot of things I don’t know. That I didn’t know. Things I will never know. And refusing to admit all of that kept me from learning a damn thing. Kept me from asking questions. Kept me from trying new things because it was scary to do something new - something unknown - and I "knew" how it would all turn out anyway. Kept me from connecting with people because it was painful or embarrassing when they knew things I didn’t and it seemed like I already should have. Kept me from getting better at making art, music, writing. Kept me from forgiving myself. Kept me from growing. And kept me from moving forward. Maybe not on. I don’t know if we ever “move on” from things. But we can move forward as we carry them. And as we do, the weight gets less. We’re able to carry it better. But only if we can admit that we don’t know how. Only if we don’t treat ourselves like this is something we do know or should know and we’re just failing because we’re less than. Not good enough. Not strong enough. Not deserving. We have to be able to say “I don’t know how to do this.” And then we can start looking for the answers. We can ask. We can learn.

I thought about the apple. Being able to tell the difference between good and evil. Aziraphale’s years and years of watching what he “knows” to be true be proven wrong. Crowley’s need to ask questions…

The simple and enormous gift of “Knowledge.” The “Knowledge” of the difference between Good and Evil. The “Knowledge” that can only be gained by realizing, accepting, admitting that there are things we don’t know. Asking the questions. Sometimes we get answers we don’t like. Sometimes the consequences of asking hurt us. And unless you want to stay in that painful place that painful knowledge got you, well, you’ve got to let yourself learn how to get out.

So all of this good? I never expected this. I never thought I deserved it. Joy and belonging and this sense that “Yeah, maybe things can get better. Maybe things can be good.” Because I said those things, not truly believing them, to the people I thought needed to hear it. But it couldn’t save them. It was hollow. The proof for us wasn’t really in our orbit or on our radar at the time. And now they’re gone.

People always say “it’s never too late.”

One of the people I lost said “it’s later than you think.”

I jokingly would respond “it’s already too late.”

It was for him in the end. For them. For some people I guess it really is. But maybe a lot of the “too late” people are there because they think “they know” that things will never be good for them. So they stop looking, they stop asking, stop finding. And eventually they just stop.

Then there came Crowley’s “It’s always too late.” The first time I heard it I thought “For sure, Crowley-cakes, I KNOW.”

But then…I just needed to rewatch the whole thing. And lines like that…familiar things…familiar themes…I was suddenly identifying with these characters. I suddenly saw myself. And the realization hit - I connected with something! Something new. And I FELT THAT. And that tiny little crack that made in the wall was just enough to start breaking it down. Yeah, when you start letting yourself feel after not feeling for so long, opening up to the good feelings means opening up to feelings and then the bad ones come out too. But when there IS good … it helps you balance. You can deal with the bad a little better because you’ve got the good thing to lean against when it gets too much. And now you’ve got feelings. You’ve got good and bad. You’ve got sticky foggy grey. You’ve got life.

Whew.

So, TLDR, thank you. From the bottom of my slowly healing heart, thank you.

And to sign off with some shits and giggles… I couldn’t find this in existence as a sticker so I had to custom order. Perhaps this will spread misery and panic among the humans of my city - or at least a malignant and creepy sense of unease.

Or maybe they’ll say “wtf” and go home and google it and they’ll fall into the Good Omens hole they never knew they needed too.

Thank you for this. I never quite know what to say to messages like this apart from I am really glad that it helps. (It becomes the weird extra piece that I worry about when writing season 3 -- hoping that it will be that thing again. Not just a story, but something that helps people feel and helps with healing and helps with love.)

[ellaenchanting]

Hello, I have a new sub (he’s new to all kink, including hypnosis) who is definitely experiencing hypnoamory.

I keep trying to explain to him that hypnoamory is not safe but I don’t fully understand the risks myself so it’s difficult to explain them to him.

I can’t find much online and you have amazing insights and I’m hoping you can help explain it to me, so I can explain it to him?

Thank you, in advance.

-A

Reader's follow up message for context:

"A here, I asked about the hypnoamory. It seems almost like he’s falling in love, and it’s been obscenely fast.

He keeps mentioning (undefined) feelings, and is expressing them strongly. Wanting to constantly be with me, even if it means breaking his own rules of not being on a Zoom call while his sister (his roommate) is around. (I nipped that in the bud and said I didn’t consent to that.)

When I suggest caution, and bring up, hypnoamory, it’s quite hard to explain to him why it’s risky when I don’t fully know myself.

(I’ll admit, some of these (undefined) feelings are reciprocated, and that also worries me, because how can I take care of him, if I’m also dealing with it.)”

Answer:

Hi anon!

Thank you so much for this question! I'm really excited to answer it. Not only do I (apparently) have lots of thoughts here, I'm really excited to hear about what others have to say on this topic. Hopefully we’ll create some good discussion about hypnosis and love and consent/safety- I know I’m really curious what people with different experiences have to say about this!

ON HYPNOSIS AND LOVE

For this response, I’m going to assume “hypnoamory” means love or attachment that is created primarily or largely through hypnosis play. I know someone on one of my Discords defined “hypnoamory” as a “speed run to intimacy”- another definition that can really be fitting. It makes sense to be concerned about a partner who seems to be feeling too much or moving too fast. How do you manage a relationship with someone who seems to feel so much so fast?

So- to back WAY up: We tend to think of love as this magical, enigmatic thing that just happens to us, but there's actually a fair amount of research on variables that may lead to greater connection and even love. There’s no one formula that applies to all people, but there are some actions that seem to make love more likely. Sex is one- a good orgasm involves dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin and these are all neurochemicals linked with attachment. Of course, people often HAVE sex to express their love so the attachment is already there but it's also seemingly common for people having casual sex to fall for one another.

Emotional intimacy is another common precursor to love. You may have seen this list of 36 "questions that lead to love" floating around (https://www.verywellmind.com/unpacking-the-36-questions-that-lead-to-love-8559179) . This list of questions works (when it works) because it speeds up the natural process by which people build intimacy. It invites sharing and listening and vulnerability and trust. Those same things will happen naturally over time in a healthy relationship, using the questions is just designed to speed that process up.

These ideas may be a good framework to start thinking about hypnoamory. Hypnokink play is often full of things that are known "love triggers" for many people- things that would naturally make them more likely to bond or even fall in love. Hypnosis itself seems to release some of the same neurotransmitters associated with love- dopamine, GABA, serotonin.* There's often sexual arousal and sex/orgasms that make people feel good. Happy calm feelings. Happy safe/cared for feelings. There's novelty and learning. There's communication and trust. There's engaging in an activity both people enjoy. There can be feelings of danger, leading to physical arousal and then emotional/sexual arousal. There's dependence. There’s intimacy. In fact, the whole process of hypnotizing someone is giving them the illusion that you're in their brain. What could be more intimate than that?

Then there's the kink aspect. Pretend someone has gone through their life with this secret, hidden desire. It’s something they dare not talk to anyone about for fear that they’ll be mocked or shamed. No one else in the world seems to get their kink. They don't even know if the thing they want is POSSIBLE.

Then, one day they meet a person who DOES get it. Not only does this person get it, they seem to want the same things. And, better yet, not only does this person have similar fantasies, they actually want to DO the thing. With YOU.

How could you not fall in love?

Here's a personal anecdote:

When I fell in love with my wife, it happened slowly and gently. We dated, we got to know each other, we hung out more and more, and then I turned around about a year later and I was in love. I was like a dropped feather- slowly drifting downwards until I gently landed on the ground. Happily and safely eased into love.

I fell for my first hypnokink partner like a rock falls from a cliff. It FELT like those teenage romances from books and movies- Romeo and Juliet, Buffy, Titanic- landing with a big "thump" of feeling and obsession. I was well into adulthood when it happened, fortunately, so I didn't do anything too disruptive or embarrassing with it. I was in a situation where I could talk it through. But- I remember being able to finally understand how people in love could do crazy things. It DID feel a bit like an addiction. I was going about my life and then- completely knocked on my ass. Nothing I had done before prepared me.

All of this is to say- hypnoamory definitely exists. It doesn't happen all the time** but in my experience it happens frequently. And, just like love "caused" by sex or answering the 36 questions or, say, surviving a disaster together, I wouldn't say hypnoamory love is inauthentic. In fact, I don’t think love CAN be inauthentic. We feel what we feel. What I WOULD say, though, is that most people caught up in that initial high are experiencing a particular stage of love called "infatuation". (Around the community you may also hear the term “new relationship energy” or “nre”- it's basically infatuation but make it poly). The infatuation is fun but can also be a cause for caution.

People contrast infatuation*** with "real love" but IMHO that’s short sighted. For many people, infatuation is actually the first stage OF being in love. When someone’s infatuated, attraction feels almost overwhelming. Your whole neurochemistry (dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylephrine) is driving you to spend more and more time with the person you love. You think obsessively about the other person. You feel bad when they're not around. It feels a bit like an addiction.

Strong infatuation actually resembles being high in some ways. Like when you’re high, your amygdala isn't quite working right and thus your judgment can be impaired. This is the phase where people can sometimes feel extra compelled towards bad decisions. They may do things like move in with someone they just met, leave a long-established relationship for someone new and hot, or stop doing things to take care of themselves****. They may neglect other important parts of their life and people in their life. In kink, someone who is infatuated may push for strong attachment play (brainwash me!), push for constant contact/play, or disregard boundaries that were pretty firm before. They may want to jump into the most intense kinky play more quickly.

For most people, infatuation is a phase. It can last from days to weeks to years depending on the person (and the research you're looking at) but- ideally infatuation will settle down into a more stable relationship in time. It’s not the strong impairment of being drunk (or being hypnotized)- it’s still pretty accepted in the hypnokink community (and in general) that someone who is infatuated can give reasonable, legitimate consent. That consent may just take a bit more discussion and thoughtfulness.******

Also- on the positive side, infatuation can be really fun! And being in love feels great! Being infatuated doesn't automatically mean someone is immature or unintelligent or incapable of having a kink relationship. Infatuation is just a possible side effect of hypnokinky play (and kink play)(and having a relationship)(and life).

A NOTE ON SUB FRENZY

In addition to “nre”, another term you might here around the community is “sub frenzy”. Sub frenzy is the tendency for new subs to want to do ALL of the things (and often play with all of the people) when they first get started in a kink. It's like infatuation, but for an activity instead of a person. My friend @daja-the-hypnokitten (who suggested and really helped out with this part of this answer) described it for me as being like someone who always thirsted and never got water- but now that they HAVE water they might gulp it down and drink so much that they make themselves sick. Someone who is in sub frenzy may push for tons of play in a way that harms them/where they neglect other things and may push for the most intense play ASAP.

A lot of the suggestions I talk about below might help with both sub frenzy and regular infatuation for a person. My friend suggested that what's often most helpful for her is having logistical conversations about her stronger desires- (ex. “Hey, if I give you a fetish for the color red, how might that work practically? What problems may come up? What safeties might we need in place?”) That way, she knows an idea is being worked on (which can soothe that craving for more more more now) but is also thinking about it in a practical way instead of just as a hot fantasy.

COPING WITH INFATUATION

So- infatuation is common in what we do, especially if you are someone’s first kinky partner. That being said, I definitely understand your caution with it. You're looking out for your sub and not wanting to influence them unduly. You don't want to continue a relationship dynamic that may be unhealthy for them. It speaks well of you as a dominant that you are paying careful attention to how your sub is doing and what may be influencing them/their consent.

Here's how not to handle it:

1. DON'T go for a magic cure. For some people, it would be tempting to want to cure this by hypnosis itself- to hypnotize your partner and give them a suggestion to not feel love for you anymore. That would be a BIG mistake. Repression tends to cause more problems than it answers and trying something like this could lead to really bad consequences. Also, especially if you tried this without your sub's conscious consent, it would be a big violation of their personal autonomy and their trust in you.

2. DON'T go radio silent or start backing away from your sub without talking about it. If you felt responsible for your sub’s feelings or actions, you might be tempted to limit your contact with them to not do any more "damage" to them. Shame or regret may make you want to back off. If that’s happening, I urge you to reconsider it. You can have kind intentions, but if you just disappear one day, your sub will likely blame himself and that would create problems in future relationships. He might think about you MORE after being ghosted or feel more in love with you in unhealthy ways. For some people, that sudden drop can keep them ruminating about the relationship for YEARS. You'd also lose everything that YOU have invested in this relationship, as well as the chance of it being healthy and rewarding relationship for you. Your sub being in love with you isn’t something you’re doing TO him, it’s just the situation you find yourselves in. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad one.

(This isn't to say you shouldn't be able to set boundaries for your mental health and even safety- I’ll talk about this more below. There might even come to a time when going radio silent is the best option! Hopefully, though, disconnecting without speaking would be a last resort if other attempts at boundary setting didn’t work .)

Here are some things to consider instead:

-DO have a big ole conversation with your sub. Several conversations. MANY conversations. ONGOING conversations. It sounds like you've already started having these. Great! It's totally fair to express your concern about his feelings using some of the language and explanations in the first section. That being said, ultimately neither you nor he are going to be able to control what he feels. Being infatuated is usually not something someone can just decide to stop doing. That’s not how feelings work. "I'm worried you're in love with me because of our hypnosis play" may be a good place to start a conversation but- it doesn't give him a lot to respond to. He can't just choose to not be in love with you any more- just like he can't choose to make you not worried. It may be helpful to think more about WHY you’re worried- what do you think might happen? Do you want him to change his behavior towards you right now? Are things OK now but you’re worried how this may affect things in the future?

A lot of times, starting from concrete observations might help start a conversation. Ex: "I know you've been talking more about how much you care for me. You've seemed more willing to push your own boundaries- like having your sister in the room when we talk." From there, you can move in to what you're worried about. (ex. "I'm worried you're getting so caught up in our play that you aren't studying", "I'm worried you seem to be neglecting your other relationships", "I'm worried that you're ignoring your boundaries and that you'll end up either regretting it or getting hurt.")

After you state your concerns, give him time to talk and listen to what he says. Ideally, you'll be able to both express your point of view and understand each other's by the end of the conversation. From here, you may be able to work out a plan together to address what’s going on. Or, you might be in a place where the plan is to keep touching base about your feelings- or even in a place where the hypnoamory doesn’t feel so worrisome. I know for me and my sub, we'll have frequent "hey, am I influencing you too much?" check ins. At this point, those check-ins seem to function primarily to provide reassurance to me as the domme- but that’s ok! They're also good chances for both of us to discuss how our D/s is going, what we’re feeling, if we have any new boundaries we need to set, etc. Even if I’m initially nervous about bringing something up, I usually feel really reassured when a conversation is over.

HEY, ARE YOU INFLUENCING YOUR SUB TOO MUCH?

I didn't say this above but I'll say this here- I doubt your sub's strong feelings are due to the way you're doing hypnosis or hypnokink. A lot of things probably have more influence on how he is feeling and responding than your play together. After all, people naturally get closer and have looser boundaries and pick up each other's preferences/habits/mannerisms the more time they spend together even without kink. In hypnokink we sometimes romanticize some of these natural responses as part of “brainwashing” but- in actuality, they’re normal parts of many longer term relationships. However, I don’t want to ignore the role hypnosis and kink play may have in influence. Here are some things to consider if you are worried that you are influencing your sub too much in play:

- How ARE you wording your suggestions to him? Are you telling him that he's enraptured, helpless against you, worshipful, obsessed with you, etc? Are you implying or saying you're the only one that can make him feel this way? There's a lot of language that people regularly use in hypnokink that wouldn’t be out of place in a particularly saucy Victorian love poem. I doubt these words alone are creating love whole-cloth, but this kind of flowery kink talk is also packed with suggestions and suggestions can have effects. Even the harsher-sounding kink talk- things like "You are my property" or "You're worthless without me" can create dependence and feelings of love. Flowery sexy hypnotalk suggestions can linger sometimes even if you are "just" role-playing or if you give suggestions to “cancel” those previous suggestions at the end of a session. They also might not! It really depends on the person! (Example- Think of a sad movie you've seen. You can often still feel the sadness now even though you KNOW the movie itself wasn't real.)

If themes around romance/dependence/worship are coming up in your scenes, it's a good idea to be mindful about them and how you're using them. Is this something that you both consciously wanted as a theme in play or did it just kind of sneak in because those are typical tropes? How are you both feeling about those themes now? I wouldn't say to stop speaking in ways that are hot to you both, but talking about how and when and why might be a good next step. Sometimes even both consciously and verbally setting intentions about what you want the relationship to look like outside of scenes helps. Know that even in really self-knowledgeable subs, there can be "bleed" of emotions from in the scene to out of it- so it’s good to keep checking in! “Positive” emotions especially may have this tendency to linger.

Putting limiters around a scene may not work perfectly, but it may help prevent some emotional bleedover. Some ways you might do this could include setting up fantasy scenarios/ role play, consciously undoing suggestions at the end of a scene, or "locking" suggestions to limit them to a certain person/certain time/certain place. Doing good check ins after a scene and aftercare can help you discuss lingering effects- especially if the aftercare moves someone out of a submissive headspace and into a more normal one.

- Are you doing long term conditioning? If you're doing any suggestions that linger outside of a scene, those suggestions have the chance of tying the other person to you (even if unintentionally). Here’s an example that seems really innocuous: Pretend that I give someone a suggestion that every time he walks through a doorway, he will touch his nose. This person does this a bunch of times during the week. Fun! Silly! But also- there's a secret sneaky second trigger in here. While this person is touching his nose, he is also likely thinking of me, the hypnotist who gave him that suggestion. Maybe he thinks of how much fun we're having together or how hot it is that I've compelled his behavior. It IS hot and fun! Now he’s thinking of me in hot/fun ways a bunch of times a day -every time he walks through the door, in fact! It might not have been my intention, but I’ve accidentally conditioned my guy to think of me in positive ways all day every day. No wonder he might start feeling attached! And this is just a basic example. Imagine the associations that could happen if he had to ask me before he had an orgasm!

Conditioning happens outside of play too. Are y'all talking all day every day? Are you doing positive things at each other randomly and unpredictably? Those actions are probably making you feel closer. (Those unpredictable rewards are POWERFUL.) None of that has to be malicious or consciously manipulative, it’s just how humans bond.

Again I want to emphasize- Feeling close is not a bad thing! Nor is falling in love! And even if you have been engaging in some of these actions, you aren’t responsible for your sub’s actions or emotions. These are normal things for hypnokinksters to do and normal risks for us to take. The question isn’t one of blame (for yourself or him)- it’s where you both want to go from here.

COOLING THINGS DOWN

Hopefully you will both talk together and come to a mutual decision/conclusion. Let's say that you and your your sub talk and you both decide to cool things off a bit. What might work?

- Coming to a true mutual decision about your goals and strategies for cooling things off. Open, non-judgemental, and ongoing communication about feelings here would be helpful. What does “cooling things off” look like? How will you know when it has happened? It’s ok to modify expectations as you go.

- Setting stronger boundaries. If y'all are playing all day every day, you might instead schedule a time to play once a week. You might limit unpredictable suggestions or times where you're texting during the day. You might table bigger relationship step conversations (collaring, moving in together, exclusivity, heavy brainwashing play) for a period of time to settle into the relationship and how you relate to each other after some of the initial intensity has passed. You may also table types of play for a time (for example, if themes of begging and worship are contributing to his strong feelings maybe you both want to back off those for a while pending further conversation).

-Developing trustworthiness in yourselves and each other- If you're worried about him having impaired consent because of love or hypnosis or kink or any combination of these things, talk about this specifically! Make sure you make a relationship where setting boundaries feels really good and comfortable- and where bringing up those conversations feels safe.. I know I try to be really verbally grateful when a partner sets a boundary or even gives critical feedback- it lets me know that they trust me and I can trust them to be taking care of themselves. You can even frame this as part of submission ("you're my property so you need to take care of what's mine") or your partnership/consent ("I worry when you keep changing boundaries because I would feel guilty if I hurt you/our relationship accidentally"). Trust usually increases bonding, but making fertile ground for boundaries can help you both have the conversations you need to make sure the relationship doesn’t feel like “too much”.

- Playing with other partners. Are you worried that your sub may be more in love with kink/ hypnosis itself than they are with you? Sometimes it takes time and experience for new kinksters to really distinguish for themselves if they’re having strong feelings for a person vs strong feelings for an activity. Encouraging his own introspection may help, but playing with other hypnotist partners can help him figure this out too. If you decide to take this step, y'all would want to do it within your own comfort zones and he would want to be careful about who he played with. Suggesting playing with others should never be a command- more of a helpful idea. There's unfortunately some ill-meaning hypnotists out there- so if he’s interested in playing with others, passing on information about finding safe partners and taking care of his subject agency might help him with branching out.

-Talking to other experienced subs. If your partner talks with other hypnosubs, he is likely to be able to find people who can relate to how he is feeling. Sometimes even hearing from someone else who has had similar experiences may be helpful. He could also potentially get tips on how other subjects manage strong emotions in their kink dynamics. Ditto for you talking to other dominants. This is a known issue within the community- many people have dealt with it and can offer empathy and ideas.

YOUR BOUNDARIES MATTER

I’ve been talking a lot in this response about his boundaries and your mutually agreed upon kink boundaries but- you get your own boundaries too! We sometimes skip talking about dominant/top boundaries in kink but- it’s very important that you are paying attention to your own comfort zone and needs. Boundaries help both of you continue to play in a way that feels fun/safe/enjoyable for everyone involved. This may sound harsh but- just because your sub is in love with you, that doesn't necessarily have to change what YOUR boundaries are (unless you want it to). Similarly, just because your sub is wanting to ignore his earlier boundaries, it doesn’t mean that you have to change your boundaries if that makes you uncomfortable. (In fact, I tend to be the brakes in a relationship more often when I'm topping than bottoming- and I think that's pretty common for a lot of switches.) For example, I'm really glad that you were clear and firm about not having his sister around on calls. If he’s doing things that are dangerous to himself in a way that pushes YOUR boundaries, it’s OK to say that and set conditions. (Ex. “I know you are really invested in our kink play, but if you drop out of school because of it, I won’t want to play with you any more.”)

If you’re worried about managing sudden boundary changes on his part, you can always give yourself pauses to think and decide what’s comfortable for you. For example, let’s say that he contacts you right before a scene and wants something that would push his previous boundaries. It would be OK in that case to say if you’re not comfortable with that- that you’d like to think about it and discuss it later. Or you may even say “no” outright if it's uncomfortable for you. You might even consider a new relationship rule- if he (or either of you) want to do something that pushes previously-held boundaries, you need to have a sober discussion about it first.

Lastly, if he’s pushing your boundaries and KEEPS pushing them after you try to talk, you might have to set stronger boundaries- up to and including breaking up with him. Being in love can explain his intensity, but if he can’t take a “no” then we’re moving into something really unhealthy. (I like this little worksheet about separating a healthy relationship vs an unhealthy one vs an abusive one- it’s not kink specific but has good information in general about what each of these relationships may look like- https://idas.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/Healthy-Relationships-Checklist-2.pdf )

I know this was a lot of information anon! I hope it helps! Please feel free to write me with follow up questions (and that goes for anyone reading). Also- I only know things here from my own experience and life philosophies- I hope other people will read this and add their perspective/knowledge! Between all of us, I hope you find the knowledge you're looking for!

Thank you to @linnybeenaughty , @ultinath ,@dancercoder , @spiralturquoise , and especially @daja-the-hypnokitten for the beta reads!; I appreciate your thoughts and help checking this for me! Any grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes or general wonkiness are my fault, not theirs.

Footnotes (for Nerds)

*I realize I’m leaning a lot on neurotransmitters here so- just to say, MANY activities release these neurotransmitters, not just hypnosis and love. Neurotransmitters are always swimming around in our head- they help our brain through its daily functioning. People especially sometimes talk as though things that trigger dopamine are innately addictive but- brains are much more complicated than that. I probably get a dopamine hit from brushing my teeth. It’s a piece of the puzzle here, not the whole thing.

**Side note- That being said, if you've never experienced intense hypnoamory, that's OK too! There's nothing wrong with you and it doesn't mean you don't care about partners. You just fall in love in a different way.

***Other/similar words and concepts it might be helpful to look up- limerence, nre (new relationship energy), puppy love. It isn't exactly "sub frenzy" but learning about that might be helpful too. :)

****Infatuation can make therapists really nervous sometimes because that’s when people do things like stop treatment, go off medications, relapse on drugs, make huge life decisions, etc. It can be hard to balance being infatuated and still working on yourself!

******Infatuation and being Infatuation-impaired is actually its' own subkink. A lot of pro work is out there on that theme. It's edge play and I'm assuming not what you're writing about, but I wanted to acknowledge down here that it exists.

[huggyhughesy]

Lavender Haze

adam fantilli x hughes!sister

lavender haze

a.n. :: this is a short part 1 in the fic!! let me know what you think <3

My life was theoretically falling apart. Well, maybe not my life, that was a tad dramatic. But my mind was.

On a late-night walk around campus – during which I discovered my headphones were dead – my mind began swirling with thoughts that I’d been drying to drown out for months. Noise cancelling headphones tended to help with that.

Those thoughts that currently plagued my mind were distracting me from my current surroundings, which probably wasn’t the safest place to be at eleven o’clock at night. But I had to sit down, there was too much going on inside for me to process.

Like the fact that my life was only now really beginning – and not in the way that you think it does when you get to high school, or apply to college. I was having to make important decisions. But they were already made for me. By me. I’d made these decisions for myself a long time ago, but now, after months of living on my own and beginning to discover myself, I discovered that the things that I used to think I wanted, were things that I really thought people wanted of me. And this realization during my late-night walk was currently sending me into a spiral.  

“Are you okay?”

The male voice made me nearly jump out of the bench seat. I put my hand to my chest, trying to steady my heart rate.

“Oh my God, you scared the shit out of the me.”

The man, who, I won’t lie, was extremely attractive, grinned at me. Even under the dull campus lamp, his smile was bright as can be. He was tall, although him standing and me sitting probably skewed my judgment a little bit.

“Sorry,” he said, still grinning down at me. “Didn’t mean to, just wanted to check and make sure you were okay.”

“I’m okay,” I replied.

This probably wasn’t the best response to give someone who was checking in on your well-being, and my assumption was proven correct when he tilted his head to the side slightly, like he was urging me to explain my current predicament. I didn’t though.

“Can I sit?”

I nodded, and he took a seat next to me. He offered his hand, which I shook with my own. He looked so familiar, especially now that I was seeing him this close up. But I couldn’t exactly place where I’d seen him before. Maybe he was in one of my classes?

“Adam.”

“yn.”

His grin, if possible, got even wider.

“You seem to look very familiar to me, yn. Have we met before?”

After his sentence, it hit me. He was one of Luke’s new teammates. I didn’t get the chance to meet them during the summer, when he invites the team to our house for a couple weeks, but I’d seen plenty of videos and pictures of the team’s summer at our house.

“No, we’ve never met.”

This time though, I smiled at him. Based on the way his grin changed into a smirk, he was in on this charade of pretending that we don’t know each other, even though we were destined to meet in a couple days when the hockey season began.

“Is there any particular reason you’re sitting out here in the dark?”

“Oh, just a slight mid-life crisis. No big deal.”

Adam seemed to think that maybe it actually was a big deal. And it was, but I was never going to admit that to myself.

“Maybe, if you tell someone about your mental breakdown, you’ll feel better about it. I mean, it works for me when I’m freaking out.”

I really didn’t want to tell this guy who I’d never met before about the fact that I was regretting my profession choice. Or that I was about to have a nervous breakdown because after this year, my brother was going to leave, and if I didn’t make any friends freshman year, I wouldn’t have anyone after he leaves. Except for his teammates, but I think they gave me more of a pity friendship.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Adam said, interrupting my spiral. “But I could help you get your mind off of it, if you want to.”

I scrunched my nose, “Ew, no. I don’t want to –”

“That’s not what I meant!” he quickly interjected. “I can provide you with a distraction that doesn’t involve you being with another person. It would require you to leave campus though.”

“Leave campus? How do I know you’re not going to murder me?”

He laughed. Even in my mental state, the laugh did something to me. It sounded so carefree, like everything in his life was going exactly as he had hoped. Although, I suppose it was.

“Do you want to call your brother for reassurance? Or keep pretending like you’ve never met me before?”

Oh. He was confident, too. But I guess I should have expected that, nearly all of my brother’s friends seemed to be way more confident that they should be. I decided to live on the edge for once and play along with his charade.

“How did you know I have a brother?”

I stood, smiling at him. Now I was the one to look down as I spoke to him.

 “As long as we’re not going to a frat, I don’t really care where you take me.”

“How do you feel about Canada?”

[littlxpxtal]

Therefore I Am

TYRANTS || STORY MASTERLIST PAIRING: rafe cameron x fem!reader WARNINGS: MDNI 18+ Content, swearing, sexual content, drug and alcohol use, violence WORD COUNT: 3.7K

Don't talk 'bout me like how you might know how I feel

Top of the world, but your world isn't real

Your world's an ideal

So, go have fun

I really couldn't care less

And you can give 'em my best, but just know

I'm not your friend or anything, damn

You think that you're the man

November

“Okay so I made this cute ass invite on this website and you can send it out as a text blast.” Sabrina explains to me as we walk to first period together. 

“Sab who are you planning on inviting?” I ask. She was keen on throwing me a huge blowout for my 18th. I had gotten better at making friends on Figure 8 but there was a pit of doubt inside me that anyone would actually show up.

“We have to invite everyone whos anyone. Adn they’ll forsure come cus we haven’t had a big rager since Halloween. Everyone is fiending for a party. And everyone is talking about how cool you are.” I roll my eyes at this last declaration.

“No they are not Sab what are you even talking about.” I ask before we walk into the classroom.

“You’ve really impressed everyone at all of my pregames, and even Rafe’s friend group thinks you’re cool. Everyones obsessed with your style, and are dying to know why you’ve spent the last three years wasting time on the cut.” she whispers as we take our seats.

“How do you even know Rafe’s friends like me?” I pull out my history book and homework, feeling my face flush at the thought of them talking about me.

“Just trust me I know.”

“You know, I’m inviting my friends from the cut.” I say with a straight face, dreading her response.

“Y/N … Why would you do that?” she asks, pulling out her supplies.

“Cus they’re my friends. If it’s my party I should be able to invite whoever I want.” I state matterof factly. 

“That may cause some problems.” she mumbles before the bell rings. “Im sending the text blast out at lunch. If there’s anyone you dont want there let me know, or else its going to my entire contacts list.” she hisses to me before the teacher starts taking attendance. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I adjust the strapless black mini dress on my chest, fidgeting with the zipper on the side before Sabrina walks into my room. 

“People are going to start coming in 10 are you ready yet?” she asks, holding a red solo cup out to me.

“Yea, just gotta put on my lipstick. Whats this?”

She smirks and walks over to my full length mirror.

“A concoction just for the birthday girl.” she teases, pulling out her phone to take a picture.

“Get in this with me.” she says. I pose in the mirror with her and take a small sip of the drink, practically choking.

“What the fuck is in this Sab?” I ask, stuggling to keep myself from yakking.

“My version of a tequila sunrise. Mostly tequila.” she says sweetly, taking a sip form her own cup.

“Yea I can tell.” The doorbell rings and my eyes widen.

“I’ll get it. Hurry up!” she exclaims, running out of my room. I take a deep breath and take the berry shade of lipstick I bought for tonight out and start applying in the mirror. I decide to take a selfie of myself, admiring the way the dress fit around my curves. 

Somehow Sabrina convinced my parents to let me have this party at my place and got them out of town for the weekend. They were easily convinced by her sweet talk, and were encouraged by the fact that I had been making friends at Kildare Academy. They were more than happy to give Sabrina and me their credit card to buy decorations and even allowed us to use some of the liquor from their cabinet. 

I made my way up the stairs to see the living room was starting to fill with familiar faces I had seen in the hallways. I admired my house filled with helium balloons and silver streamer curtains. The room was illuminated with a large disco ball and LED lights. The DJ started playing music in the backyard.

“I think we’re gonna have a big turn out.” Sabrina says when she finally reaches me.

“Do these people actually know what they’re even here for?”

“Of course they do. I even made a card box for people to give you gifts.”

“Sabrina, I don’t want any of these peoples money.” I say confused.

“These people come from old money its practically tradition. Plus theyre drinking the booze we bought so its like an entry fee.” she says giggling and grabbing my hand, leading me to the backyard.

“You got the playlist I sent right?” she asks the DJ. I recognized him immediately, he was a barista at the cafe I always went to when I used to hang in the cut. He smiles softly at me and I thank him for being here tonight. 

“There’s the birthday girl!” I hear someone shout from the backdoor. I turn around to see Topper, Kelce, Rafe a group of random girls surrounding them. He’s holding a handle of Titos up in the air.

“TOP!” Sabrina exclaims, dragging me over to greet them.

“Happy birthday Y/N” he says, greeting me in a hug. “This is for you, from all of us.” he says handing me the large bottle. I stare at in shock and laugh.

“Thanks guys.” I respond. Before I can greet Kelce or Rafe, Sabrina takes the bottle from my hands.

“Shots?” she asks the group. The guys cheer in response and she leads them back inside the the kitchen where the cups were.

“Happy birthday.” Rafe whispers in my ear, trailing right behind me. I feel goosebumps rise on my arms. “You look good.” he murmurs as we reach the counter.

“TO Y/N” Sabrina declares and we raise the shot glasses up to the cieling

“TO ME!” I Cheer before downing the shot. I hiss at the burning in my throat and squeeze my eyes closed. 

More people fill into my living room and start piling into the backyard. I’m greeted with hugs and fist bumps from people I vaguely remember, they thank me for inviting them and I have to pretend like I’m the one who even made the invite in the first place. 

I finally check my phone for the first time since people started arriving.

Sarah Cameron

We’re pulling up in a sec

I smile at my phone and scan the room to see if they’ve arrived.

“You waitin on someone?” I hear Rafe ask from behind me.

“Yea Sarah’s comin.” I say without looking back at him. 

“I assume that means the clowns will be making an appearance as well.” he asks, finally standing next to me, his arm brushing against my shoulder.

“Play nice it’s my birthday.” I remind him, taking a sip from my birthday concoction.

“Long as they play nice too.” he responds before walking off. I roll my eyes and scan the room again. They still weren’t anywhere in sight, so I walk off to mingle with my guests.

I find a familiar face in the sea of people and make my way to him.

“Hi Noah.” I say, interrupting his conversation with a girl I had never seen befroe.

“Hey Y/N . Happy birthday!” he says before pulling me into a hug. It lingers for a little too long and I feel my cheeks blush when he finally releases me. 

“This is a great party. Much better than my 18th.” he says, standing close and leaning down to be eye level with me.

“Whadid you do for yours?” I ask, trying to hide my disgust as I take another sip from the drink Sab made me.

“I had the flu. I had to go to the hospital and everything.” he says shurgging his shoulders.

“Damn that sounds awful. You can pretend tonights your birthday if you want.” I say, trying to cheer him up. I feel his eyes scan my body up and down and he inches closer.

“Well I know what I would want for my present.” he whispers. I bite my lip and giggle.

“Cute” I say in response. From the corner of my eye I spot JJ and I run towards him.

“JJ!” I shriek, throwing myself into his arms. He lifts me up and spins me around.

“Happy birthday doll. You have hella friends now huh?” he asks giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I dont know half of these people. Sabrina just invited them.” I say in response. He smirks and scans the room.

“Whos the dude who was practically eye fucking you?” he says, I glance over to see he’s giving a death glare to Noah.

“Kid I know from Kook academy.” I shrug.

“BIRTHDAY GIRL!” Kiara shouts, popping up from behind JJ.

“Kie!” I squeeze her with all my might. I feel a rush of excitement fill my body as people I actually knew and loved were finally here. John B and Pope pile into our hug.

“Where’s Sarah?” 

“She went looking for you. Looks like she ran into her brother though.” John B says, nudging his head over towards the back of the kitchen. I direct the group to follow me, leading them through the crowd of people stuffed into my living room. I trip over a ballon on the floor, and feel an arm reach out to help me gain my balance. I look up to see its Rafe.

“Thanks” I mumble, pulling my arm away from his grip. I direct my attention away from him and smile at Sarah

“Happy birthday girl! I heard Rafe got you a present and I think it’s only appropriate that we indulge.” she says, wiggling her eyebrows and holding up the half empty handle of titos up at me.

She fills up shots enough for everyone including Rafe. His body is blocking me from being in the circle, so I shove past him, forcing my way into the center. 

I look at Kiara and smirk, “arriba! abajo! al centro! pa dentro!” We cheer. The group finishes the shot and I find myself brave from the liquid courage I had just been given. I pull a chair out from behind the counter and stand on top of it.

“THANK YOU FOR COMING AND CELEBRATING MY 18TH WITH ME!” I Shout to the crowd of people in the kitchen and dining area. “LETS GET FUCKED UP!” I shout.

Pope hands me a Natty Lite from his book bag and I tip it to its side, cracking the bottom open with my teeth. For a second I realize my inner pogue is coming out. But I decide I didn’t give a fuck. It was my fucking birthday. 

I crack open the can and inhale the beer in 3 chugs. I crush the can with my hand and toss it out into the crowd. The room erupts in cheers and I turn around to my friends seeing their shocked yet excited expressions on their faces.

“Lets fucking dance.” I say. JJ walks up to the chair and puts out his arms.

“Lets go dance princess.” he says, pulling me down into his arms, placing me softly on the ground. I grab his hand,  leading them to the backyard where the DJ began blasting the Pursuit of Happiness remix. 

The backyard area is filled with people already dancing. I squish us into the center of the crowd and notice that Rafe and his friends decided to join. 

I feel my body moving along to the beat, not giving a care in the world, sticking my hands up in the air and letting the crowd's movements take me around the circle. Dancing face to face with Sarah, her back against John B’s.

Our bodies are squeezed together and I slowly grind against hers before I’m pushed to the side and end up in front of Kiara. She’s dancing against Pope and I remember I need to ask her how that situation is coming along. Before I can lean into ask, my body is moved again to be in the center of the circle.  I take a few steps back to the beat and spin around.

Losing my balance, I end up with my back pressed against a tall figure. His arms softly grab my hips. If I didn’t know any better I would assume it was JJ. But I look over to see him standing in between John B and Pope. I crane my neck to look and see its Rafe, with a slight smirk on his face. 

I decide to play along, turning my body to face his. His hands move furth up my back, running them up and down as I grind my body against his. I keep my eyes closed, refusing to make eye contact with him, trying to show that I would dance with literally anyone like this. I wrap my hands up around his neck and jump around to the beat before the song stops and there’s silence amongst the crowd. I drop my hands from his neck and whip my head towards the DJ, and see Sabrina standing up there with a lit up cake.

She grabs a microphone from the DJ and begins singing Happy Birthday to me. I feel my face get hot and body tense, realizing that everyone was staring at me, singing along in unison. My worst nightmare. She makes her way through the crowd, everyone making a path for her to reach me. 

When she finally does the song is almost over and I feel tears brimming in my eyes. Mainly becomes I’m so drunk and overwhelmed with anxiety from what was happening. 

“Make a wish!” I close my eyes and blow the candles out. The crowd erupts into a cheer and the DJ starts up a new song, everyone returning back to where they were before the serenading.

“I hate you.” I say, as we walk to the kitchen.

“Noooo you love me. And look at all these people here for YOU.” I give her side hug as she places the cake on the counter.

“Thanks for doing this for me.” I say. She turns to face me with a large grin spread across her face. “I’m glad we met.”

“Stop being sappy and go back out and dance.” she says, pushing me towards the back door.

“I have to pee first” I say, making my way towards the basement door. I make my way down the stairs to my room. After finishing my business I walk back into my room and see Rafe inspecting my bookshelf.

“What the fuck are you doing in here?” I ask, startled at his intrusion.

He doesn't respond, just glances over, eyeing my body up and down before picking a book off of the shelf. 

“You read a lot of fiction.” he states.

I walk over and grab the book out of his hand. 

“I asked you a question.” I place the book back in its place and turn to face him.

“I was curious.” he says, shrugging.

“Okay, well I’d like you to leave now.” I say pointing towards the door.

“No you don’t,” he says, stepping closer to me. So close I can smell his cologne. It was woody yet musky. Dior Sauvage I would guess, making a mental note to check it out at the mall next time I got the chance. 

“You say that like you know what I want.”

“Cause I do.” he says, staring down into my eyes.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“I’m Rafe fucking Cameron. And you’re just some girl who has a birthday party with kids she doesnt even know. I see right through you.”

“Im not just some girl, who do you think you are talking to me like that?” I feel rage flowing through my body and I take a step closer, our chests practically touching. His chest is rising with deep breaths and I glance at his hands that are balled into fists.

“You think you’re hot shit now that you hang with kids on figure 8. But they won’t forget where your loyalties lie. You proved it tonight by inviting your fucking pogues.” I roll my eyes.

“Is that what this is about? Cus I invited my best friends? They’re just people Rafe. You and your loser friends only care about labels. We’re not even fucking friends why are you here if you’re so hung up on who I invited?” 

“You think anyone would be here if I wasn’t?” I scoff at his arrogance.

“God you’re so full of yourself. Get a grip.” 

Everything happens in an instant. His body moves forcefully against mine, pushing me into my closet door. I wince at the abrupt force. His arms are planted on the door above my head and he dips his face to meet mine.

“You're not as cool as you think you are pretty girl. You can stand on a table and shotgun all the beers you want. You can dance like a fucking slut at any party but that’s all anyone gonna remember you by. A party girl with no personality.” I feel tears well in my eyes at his bitter words.

“You act like your entire personality isnt partying. You live in a fucking fantasy world where its cool to do coke and fuck random girls like its a well respected hobby. You don’t know shit about my personality because I would never let someone like you know anything about me.” I spit back.

He stands silent for a second, his breathing hard and heavy. My eyes meet his, tears no longer threatening to spill over. All I feel is hot rage and red staring into his blue eyes. His right-hand moves from above my head to grip the back of my neck. He pauses as if he's second-guessing his next move.

Before I can think of a response his mouth collides with mine. I melt into his touch, tasting the liquor shared between our breath and his cool tongue grazing over my bottom lip. Reluctantly I let out a groan, frustrated that he was a good kisser. He moves his mouth aggressively against mine, pushing me hard against the wall. My hands finally move from my sides up into his hair giving a slight tug. 

He finally releases his grip from the back of my neck and I gasp out trying to catch my breath when I hear screaming from outside. I decided it would be quicker to get to the back through the sliding door in my room that leads to a small patio on the side of the house. I run out and around the house to see a commotion happening on the dance floor.

My breath hitches and goosebumps rise across my body as I realize what is happening. Rafe trails behind me as I get closer to the group of people fighting, seeing JJ and Pope getting kicked around on the ground

“WHAT THE FUCK” I screech, pushing through the crowd, trying to pull the guys off of my friends. I turn around to Rafe.

“HELP ME” I ask, He runs his hands through his hair, contemplating on what he should do

“Please” I beg before turning around to try and pick JJ off the ground. I turn around to see Rafe grab the idiot off of Pope and help Pope stand up.

“PARTYS OVER” He roars across the crowd. The DJ instantly turns off the music and I see Sabrina running over to the scene. I’m holding JJ up with my arms as he limps over with blood smeared across his face. 

“JJ what happened? Where’s Sarah and John B?” I ask. I then realize JJ is drunk out of his mind and cant even look straight. 

I turn around to see Pope is sitting on a chair with Rafe standing next to him.

“Pope what happened, where is everyone?”

The crowd starts to clear and I tug JJ along to sit next to Pope.

“They went looking for you and some kooks started talking shit about us being here and…” he trails off. “Sorry to ruin your birthday Y/N”

“I know its your birthday n all but I really dont think these people wanted us here.” JJ finally says.

“No shit.” I hear John B saying behind me.

“There you guys are. What the fuck happened I left for 5 minutes and these fools are getting curb stomped?”

“These are your new fucking friends lets remember that” JJ Says, finally standing. “Look, we love you Y/N. But its not a good idea for us to be comin to any of these events again.” he says harshly.

“But I wanted you guys here.”

“And we wanted to be here to support you but, JJs right Y/N. Its never a good outcome for us to be in Figure 8.” John B says, pulling Pope off of the chair. “Lets go guys.”

I stand there feeling hopeless. I wasnt allowed back on the cut, and if my friends wouldnt come to my side of the island, I would never see them.

“But- but” I stammer. 

Sabrina interrupts the moment tugging my arm to face her.

“Hey, I’m gonna go but I’ll be back in the morning to help you clean okay?” Sabrina says, nudging her head over to the top of the patio where the DJ was standing there, with all his stuff packed up. “He’s gonna walk me home.” she says with a smirk. 

“Okay I’ll see you.” I turned to realize my friends were making their way towards the front door. 

“Guys please dont leave.” I plead catching up with them.

“We gotta get them home Y/N,” Kie says, holding Popes hand. 

“I’ll text you when were back okay? I hope you had a good birthday.” she says, giving me a kiss on my cheek and opening the front door.

“I’ll see you soon okay?” Sarah says, giving me a tight squeeze before walking out with the rest of them. I watch them walk down my driveway, feeling defeated and angry. 

I turn around and slam the front door shut, looking around the room to see a mess of red solo cups, streamers and popped balloons all over the floor. I rip my heels off my feet and walk towards my basement door before I hear the back door slide open.

“I don’t think we were finished.”

Previous Chapter | Instagram AU | Next Chapter

[shawtythatluvsurgut]

gunna have a video of me feeding my feedee up on my onlyfans soon. i’m thinking about starting it back up while i take a break from college because it was kind of empowering to get to own my kink in such a way. I also enjoy sharing that side of myself with all of you. subscription price will be between $8-$10/mo since my feedee is going to be collaborating with me on certain pieces of content. i will maybe begin gaining again once i get my health back in check, we’ll see. i want my muscle mommy build back, and to get that back i’ll have to pack on some weight. so we’ll see what happens with that. ;)

in the meantime and between-time, stay safe. especially on the internet. all of my old rules still apply for messaging me, but i will gradually get back to making regular content and posts. now that i am taking a break from school, i’m working more, but I also have free time on my hands when i’m not working. it feels really nice to get back into the swing of things. I’ve missed you all and I’ve missed the positive aspects of this community.

going forward, i’m just going to block people who talk shit to me or delete their comments (unless it’s of actual importance to discuss). i’m just done engaging with that shit. idk, i’m on new medication that seem to be actually working and i feel stable, so i feel ready to re-embrace this community with open arms.

a special thank you to everyone who continued engaging with me and communicating with me during my break. i appreciate all of your kind words more than you know, and if i didn’t respond to you it was because i didn’t want the answer to “hey how are you?” to be “i’m miserable. how are you?”. but I saw all of you - each and every message, comment, text, etc. - and i just want to say thank you. the people who still proceeded to message me with positivity are the reason I have decided I want to come back.

With all that being said, I hope you will all accept me back. I understand that some of you were upset that I left and didn’t understand my reasonings, but I hope we can reconcile our differences and i can gain your trust again. I’m not the angry person that I became when responding to hate messages, and that also influenced my time away. I could see that my demeanor on this hellsite was changing and I was getting more upset, angry and, honestly, afraid of going on here (let alone posting myself on here). However, that has changed. I’ve been working on being more optimistic and caring less about the negative opinions of others. Frankly, if someone doesn’t like me or my content they should just be an adult about it and either reach out to discuss that or ignore me. If they can’t do that, I believe they are childish and need to get a grip. There are some key things I’ve learned in life that I want to share with people who are as I described above:

- your comfort is not someone else’s responsibility. if it makes you uncomfortable, then don’t engage. It’s as simple as that.

- no one has to cater to your interests. everyone lives on their own agenda. your wants and desires do not take priority over the wants and desires of others. sure, there are some people who will cater to your every wish, but i’m definitely not one of them.

- similarly to above, your desires do not take priority over someone’s health. that includes both mental health and physical health. (death feedism is a thing if you are interested in someone wanting to gain while not caring about their health. this is not a death feedism page and i suggest you go search in the tags for that if it is what you are looking for. I do not want to kill my feedee, nor do I want him or I to gain enough weight to become immobile or at risk in any way. As hot as the idea is to me at times, we are both too active and work in active careers for that to be a realistic possibility for us. maybe someday i’ll get a stay at home job and get really big, or maybe someday he will. only time can tell. sorry for the length, i’m high. i’ll stfu now.

- people don’t care. no stranger online owes it to you to care that you don’t like their body, or that you don’t like this or that. it doesn’t matter because that person does not know you. there’s no point in wasting time caring about your negative comment unless it’s actually useful and constructive commentary.

So anyways, i’m back in business again. gonna post some FA art soon + start uploading to my OF again. I thank any of you who read this far and again I hope you can accept me back into the community.

Thanks,

Nico

[tanix-dragon]

To Be the Dragon: Living as Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii

For many years now (about 6!), I've been in the alterhuman community, thinking about how I want to write about my dragon kintype. I’ve never written much, though, despite being fairly comfortable doing so. This isn’t out of lack of things to talk about—it’s more because I have such a basic run-of-the-mill spiritual dragon kintype (in my mind) that I wasn’t sure that writing about it would do anything for anyone. Besides, it’s all so normal to me. It’s hard to write about your life when it feels so utterly mundane that to pick each piece out of it feels ridiculous. I have a dozen concepts for essays in my Tumblr drafts, but in the end, I’ve just decided to write something big. I’m going to go through it all, all I can think of, because I don’t know if I can pull it apart enough to write about each piece separately. It’s all so intertwined that it’s just easier to write a big one.

Strap in. This is going to take awhile. I’m a wordy bastard and despite how little I actually go into it, I do know a lot about this kintype.

Awakening

This is where most people start, and I’m sorry to disappoint; this is a short one. When I was a kid, I loved dinosaurs, and when I discovered dragons, and I mean really discovered them, realized how cool they are, I felt some kind of deep resonance. As a kid, I figured that it was just because they were the coolest thing of all time. In reality, this awakened phantom limbs (I think? Or just strengthened them. I don’t really remember very well; “I” as I’m known didn’t quite exist at the time, system stuff, you understand) and set me on a path of self-discovery and overwhelming draconity. I was known as the “crazy dragon kid” at school, even for years after I stopped talking about them, and I’ve always been very recognizable, even at a distance, even for people that barely know me, because I “move differently.” A friend once told me that I move like someone put a lizard or a bird in a human’s body, that I have a dragon’s walk cycle, that I have the wrong animation set for my skeleton. That was a very nice thing to be told.

I don’t know. I spent a lot of years with constant phantom limbs and sort of figured that they were normal, more or less? I didn’t think about them. They were just a part of me. Only once I tripped over a dragonkin’s blog completely accidentally in early 2018 did I start putting pieces together, and then it hit me like lightning: oh. I’m a dragon. I’m actually a dragon. And I’m not alone. I started my Tumblr kin blog and that was that. No questioning, no kinsidering, no “am I really?”--I had known that the thing was dragon, but I hadn’t known how it applied to me, and the second I did, I knew it was right. I am a dragon, and that was that.

I’d wondered off and on for a while if someone could have a past life as a dragon, but had never mentioned it to anyone (at least as far as I remember), because I was worried about the response I’d get. Once I realized that I was otherkin, though, I embraced that wholeheartedly: I had been a dragon, and that had rolled over so powerfully that I still am a dragon. It fits, and I love it.

What’s it like?

“What’s it like being a dragon?” my non-kin friends ask me sometimes. It’s kind of almost exactly the same as being not a dragon, except my mental image of myself is a big blue dragon instead of a human. Chronic pain flaring up? Dragon curled up and complaining about it. OCD lashing out? Dragon resting head against the wall with shut eyes and half-bared teeth. Someone annoying me? Dragon with exposed teeth and fangs all puffed up to try to make them back down.

My dragon body maps onto my human body to produce feeling like an anthro dragon most of the time, even though my dragonself isn’t even bipedal. It’s the happy medium my brain can settle on between what I feel I should be and my physical reality, although, again, mentally, most of the time when I imagine myself, I’m as I should be. In headspace where my headmates can see me, I’m quadrupedal unless I’m doing something that requires me to be bipedal. (Our headspace is pretty flexible, don’t worry about it.) All of this evens out to me moving kind of oddly—toss in how stiff and sore I am all the time (it’s some kind of unknown but disabling condition, hooray), and you get someone who moves very oddly. I turn my head like there’s significantly more weight to it than there should be, I visibly squeeze through spaces that are plenty big enough for me as if trying to accommodate great wings, I walk with a slight adjustment to my hips to compensate for a heavy tail, and I lift my shoulders to flare or gesture with my wings. I have slight head movements that correspond to how I move my ear fins, expressions that call for me to bare my teeth, gestures that only make sense with wings, tail, and claws, and a dozen other little things I probably don’t even notice that I do.

I don’t get a lot of species dysphoria anymore. I’d prefer to be able to switch in and out of dragon form (ideally with that anthro dragon that my brain has invented for me as an option too! I do love it as a middle ground), but I can make do as-is. I spent untold centuries as a dragon, I can handle some decades as a human. I’m here now, and I have a different life to live, and frankly, I love humans. I love the things they do, the cultures they have, the things they make, the ways they act, and I feel really lucky that I get to be in one of those human cultures and witness others. I have a minor in anthropology—I promise I’m not about to become a misanthrope anytime soon. I believe that humans are inherently creatures like any other, and can be driven to great good or great evil. I don’t believe that’s a reason to hate them, and besides, some part of me identifies as human as well as my kintypes. Not everyone does, but I do, and it’s comfortable for me.

I do have a few draconic instincts I have to juggle, but none are terribly maladaptive or troublesome. I know exactly how to breathe fire and want to when angry or struggling to keep a fire going in winter, and I know that there’s something in my chest and something else in my throat that are missing, structures that allow firebreathing, but I have phantoms and can mimic it okay, so I can huff and puff and burn nothing down. I have a prey drive that kicks in hard watching squirrels or, worse, rabbits out of my window, but I don’t ever actually chase anything (not that my slow ass could catch anything even if I did). I want to sharpen my claws, curl up in the sun, growl and threat-display with my wings (and do flare my phantoms when I’m in the car and another vehicle does something I don’t like), and a bunch of other small things I can’t think of right now. Again, it doesn’t bother me—it’s just affirmations of my draconity, and most are subtle enough that I can do them in front of people and they don’t notice, or, if they do, they don’t think much of it. 

What’s it like? What a question. What else do I say? Sometimes my chronic back pain reaches into my rhomboid muscles, which is where my phantom wings connect, so it registers as wing pain, I guess. That doesn’t usually happen, but it can. I walk on my toes a lot because I naturally want to move digitigrade. Shocker, I know. I don’t know—what’s it like being a dragon? What’s it like being human, or anything else? What’s it like to be who and what you are?

The Dragon Driik’lor

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii. Tanix of Fire and Breath. What a name—and one I have known parts of for a long, long time. As a kid, I’d sign off messages and emails as Tanadin of Fire and Air. When choosing a name for myself when I came out as trans (Tanix), I knew that I wanted something with the nickname ‘Tan’ still, derived originally from my username “Tanadin,” because it felt right. Was my name truly Tanix? I don’t know. It feels right, or at least, right enough. I swapped out “air” for “breath” because Tanix lei Dramon ak Voron didn’t feel as right. I guess the question is—who is, or was, this Tanix, and what language is that?

(I'll occasionally be referring to my dragonself as Tanix and myself as… me, I guess. I know, I’m sorry, that’s confusing, but that’s driiv name as far as I know, and calling driik anything else feels weird.)

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was a mature adult dragon of a sapient and extremely intelligent species with its own language. My noemata have provided me with pieces of this language—individual words and ideas on its structure, some suffixes, some sounds and pieces of what a sentence should sound like. A few letters, even, for the written version. For the past fourteen or so years, I have worked on uncovering as much of this language (that, as a kid, I called Dranonic, and I haven’t changed that) as I can, and have made up much of the rest. I will never reconstruct an entire language from noemata alone, and I know that, so I just do what doesn’t feel wrong and change things if I get an inkling that I’m off somewhere.

Tanix’s species had some extremely complex social rules and dances that driit largely didn’t do much with. Dragons could be either solitary or live in clans, and driit was pretty solitary. Driit was also fucking annoying. Sorry, but it’s true—Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was a pretentious, self-centered, prideful, overconfident bastard that had other dragons going “oh gods here comes Tanix again, just smile and wave.” Driit was a bulky, powerful, physically imposing dragon, and driit knew it. (In this human life, my family is actually fairly dense and stout despite being quite tall, so that’s free species euphoria.) As far as I can tell, given driiv five horns and larger stature, driit was female. (I talk about horn count and dragon gender more in my essay Counting Horns and Making Assumptions, or, Draconic Age and Gender, if you’re interested.) However, pronouns in Dranonic are based on age category, not gender, so the fact that Tanix and driiv mate have different pronouns is because of a difference in age, not gender.

Oh, Selkhenar. Selkhenar of the Darkened Swamp. I wish I knew more about you. Muut seems to be the only dragon that Tanix wasn’t a huge bitch to—and let me tell you something. Driit was vain as fuck. My dragon instincts know what driit did and did not find attractive in a dragon, and Selkhenar was considered, in that society, to be a kind of dumpy little green and black swamp beast with a weirdly long face, short ass legs, and kind of weird proportions.

And driit loved muut more than anything. Every time I think about Selkhenar, I get holdover fuzzies and butterflies from my time as the dragon the first go-around, and man, driit was gone for this swamp dragon. I have flashes of memory of much more impressive-looking dragons trying to woo driik and getting passed up, but accidentally tripping over Selkhenar in the swamp just beyond the edge of driiv territory was apparently what driik needed.

They had at least one clutch of eggs together. I remember guarding them ferociously, even growling at Selkhenar once before recognizing muuk. I remember them hatching into the cutest little whelplings of all time, and I remember them being a mix of blue and green and red and black. I remember teaching them to fly, throwing them over the ledge outside of the cave and off the cliff. Selkhenar was below, ready to catch if they didn’t figure it out, but still, uh, not the strategy I would recommend, necessarily. I remember hunting for them, both land animals and skimming the lake outside of our cave, down in the evergreens at the base of the mountain, for fish, even though… Selkhenar was a water dragon and therefore better suited to fishing…. I think it was a pride thing. Tanix was a ferociously prideful dragon and I suspect driit was like NO, MY LOVE, I WILL HUNT FOR YOU, YOU TINY THING… YOU GUARD THE BABIES WHILE I PROVIDE FOR YOU…. and then proceeded to accidentally driik’lor (Dranonic for him/her/themself) into the water. Repeatedly. Over and over. I have very firm noemata of hunting fish, eating fish, and fucking up while hunting fish and fouling my wings and falling into the lake. I was an okay swimmer and was mostly just glad that no one saw, but like… come on. Let the swamp dragon do it. I mean, I’m sure muut did, but I don’t have memories of that.

What’d This Dragon Look Like, Anyway?

Good question! That’s something I have the firmest grasp on. I’ve been drawing this dragon for as long as I’ve been super aware of dragons, and driit has been through a lot of iterations, but I think I’m very close.

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was approximately fifty feet long from nose to tailtip. Driit was a deep, intense blue (take a peek at any art I’ve ever done of driik/myself) with bright red stripes along driiv midline—basically, along the spine, down the tail, and along the face. The stripes also appeared on driiv legs and maybe wings, but I’m not sure about that one. Driit had five horns that were either darker blue or slightly purple that curved slightly back and were slightly offset from one another, with each set being slightly smaller than the last and a bit further back, with the single horn being the smallest and furthest back. Driit also had a single nose spike that matched the horns. Driit had big (kind of disproportionately big) ear fins, a more recent discovery of mine and out of date on most of my art, used for communication and showing of mood, mostly. Driiv “hands” had three fingers and a thumb, driiv back feet had three toes and a dewclaw, and driiv wings had four “fingers” with membrane stretched between them and a fifth “finger” that seemed to serve little to no purpose. This wing membrane connected pretty low down on the body (near or on the tail), providing a large area for lift. I believe this membrane was a lighter color than the scales around it, and I have the distinct feeling that I could flush blood into it to make it change color—red, I think? Maybe it was just some markings that could appear. I’m not sure.

Along driiv back were spikes or spines, of a similar color to the horns, lined up perfectly with the stripes. I know that driit had some kind of dangerous weapon on the dip of driiv tail, and I know that this thing had three sharp points, but its exact shape and color, I’m less sure on. I know that the tail itself was fairly flexible, especially near the tip, but was most assuredly a powerful weapon when needed. Driiv belly was lightly plated, providing protection for the vital organs. Driit also, of course, had sharp teeth and a forked tongue, although two of driiv teeth were elongated and poked slightly out of the mouth when shut, which I tend to call driiv fangs.

The Binding

Back in August of 2023, I tripped over an image that made dragonbrain click on and triggered a fear response as well as a flood of noemata. The post I wrote at the time of that discovery is here, but I’ll write it out in a more comprehensible format, both for your convenience and so that I have a more organized version in general.

Some kind of humanoid species (not humans) on my planet found and trapped me when I was quite young, and dragged me to a structure not dissimilar to the image I found, not far from or in one of their cities. My limbs and jaws were chained so that I couldn’t fight or escape, and I so clearly remember feeling my claws and scales scrape over that rough, coarse stone, and the sound of the chains dragging across it. Some of the humanoids rode other dragons, who were clearly enslaved and, in many ways, broken. They had no choice but to obey, or face punishment. Their eyes were dull and they passed over me without registering me, because to acknowledge that such a young dragon was facing their same fate was, I imagine, too painful.

For the record, I was so young that I thought I might be able to carry one of these humanoids, maybe, and not all of my red markings had come in yet. I was very young.

For some reason or another—maybe I was misbehaving, maybe this was protocol with all new dragons, I don’t know—they dragged me to a dungeon underneath a great arena where they made some dragons that they figured they could never turn into mounts fight for their amusement. I was chained up down there, fairly tightly, barely fed and barely able to move. There were a couple of other dragons down there with me, in the dark and the damp, curled up on those horrible stone bricks just like I was. I could barely see them, it was so dark, but they could see me, their eyes more adjusted due to years or decades down here.

My primary companion was a dull red dragon, an adult male, as far as I can figure. I don’t remember muuv name, but it started with an Ez- or an El- with a z in there somewhere, and ended in -iel or something along those lines. Elaziel, Ezkhaliel, Ezkerial, Elzariel? I don’t remember. I wish I did. I remember muut being as reassuring as muut could be, trying to do muuv best for this poor scared youngling. Muut was beaten and broken but incapable of either fighting or being a mount—one or more of muuv limbs were gone or broken and healed incorrectly. Muut couldn’t fly and I think muut struggled to walk. I don’t know why the humanoids kept muut alive, but I do know that I reinvigorated muuk, and muut decided to do whatever muut could to get me out.

I don’t remember what happened, really. All I know is that, at some point, there was an escape, and multiple dragons made it out, or at least tried to. I remember the red dragon shouting “Mor anor axid, mor anor axid! Mor anor axid veran!”, which is Dranonic for “Let them fly, let them fly! Let them fly away!” with “anor” being distinctly plural—you would never call a single dragon “anor,” indicating that there were multiple dragons trying to get away. I know muut wasn’t among them—muut would never make it out, and I’m sure that the humanoids killed him after. I never looked back. I never saw.

I know that there was a light green dragon involved in all that, a female, I think. Muut was chained down there with myself and the red dragon, and maybe others. Maybe muut was the other one in “anor.” I don’t know. I don’t remember much about muut.

I do remember part of the escape—the red dragon’s shouted pleas, the hesitation of the dragon mounts, the sting of the dragonbone arrows fired from the humanoids that pierced my scales (because of course they harvested the bodies of their spent slaves, why wouldn’t they, the bastards), the screaming of my underused wing muscles as I tore out of that place and never looked back, not once.

I never returned. Not even as an adult, not even once my fifth horn came in. I flew far, far away, and never drew closer again. I never wanted to see that place, never wanted to fear it, never wanted to risk it. My two fears as a dragon were that place and the ocean, and the second, I feel, had some kind of horrible dragon-slaughtering beast in it that was a long, instinctive, genetic terror. That horrible place beat it out by miles.

A Couple Other Memories

I remember other things, too, not just that whole… sequence, or what I talked about before. I know that there were some kind of “dragon mimics” out there, some kind of insectoid things that looked like dragons at a distance but revealed what they were close up. They’d either do displays intended to anger a dragon and draw them close, or courtship displays to interest a dragon. Either way, once a dragon was close enough for the mimic to strike, it was too late. A lot of insectoid dragon designs set off my dragonbrain’s “mimic alarm,” and it’s kind of interesting to play with and see what triggers it and what doesn’t. I’m sure I had personal experience with them—I have too clear of a mental image of one trying to lure me in for anything else—but I don’t know the specifics.

One of the memories that I’ve had, crystal clear, for a long time, is my death. I was falling from a great height, wings too damaged to hold me, uselessly streaming behind me as I fell. Selkhenar flew down with me in a panic, knowing muut could never catch me (I was far bigger than muuk), trying to talk me into getting my wings sorted out and at least slowing my fall or something. I remember there being wounds all over me—I’d been losing some great, horrible battle—and peering at Selkhenar, thinking it was very sweet of muuk to be so worried about me but I was clearly lost, muut needed to get out of here—and then a sharp pain at the base of my skull, where it connects to my spine, and nothing. I feel like it was some sort of projectile, well-aimed, that took me out instantly.

I’m still afraid of heights without my wings.

Wrap-Up

There’s more, I’m sure. More specific essays that I feel like I can write now that I’ve gotten most of it down. I could write an essay on draconic courtship, or what little I know of rearing offspring, or whatever else comes to mind. For now, though—that’s most of it. That’s The Everything. I’ve been meaning to put this together for a long time, and now I have, and I hope it’s helpful to someone—either in understanding me, or in understanding yourself. I know that, when you’re questioning something, reading about someone else’s experiences helps a lot. I’ve never felt like talking about my dragon kintype was ever going to be terribly helpful in that regard—after all, there’s a dozen other similar essays out there—but I decided, well, it’s not for other people. It’s for me. And no one’s written four thousand words detailing my kintype before.

That’s the thing about writing like this. It’s for you, and if it helps someone else, that’s just a bonus. Write what will help you, what will let you figure yourself out and document it so that, if it changes, you can pinpoint when that was and track your own growth and change. I wonder what, in a few years, will be inaccurate in this essay? I wonder what I will add, what I will change, in a theoretical future version?

I guess we’ll find out together. Thanks for reading.

[p3arlxox]

pulchritudinous

heya ladies i’m really impatient regarding that pole and this has been cooking up for a while so tell me what yall think and i’ll make this a series.

summary— childhood friends to lovers w trans!ellie

warnings— misgendering, cussing (later), light angst (later),

★

One year at the bright age of 9 years old when you were applying makeup on Ellie, she tried sneaking a glance in your mirror, “Don’t look yet! You’ll ruin the amazing look.” she rolled my eyes and followed with, “Well, hurry up! My curfew’s in half an hour and I am not trying to get yelled at by Joel again.”

“Alright alright, don’t rush perfection.” you apply some highlighter and she would feel the bristles tickle her cheekbones making her release a small giggle. Which gave you the right to cock an eyebrow of disappointment at her moving.

You would add what she would call the spray of horror, but you called it setting spray. She could recongnize that weird scent anytime. It was like a pavlovian response. When she would smell it, she would squeeze her eyes shut and stop breathing for a moment. Anyways, moving on from the trauma you had given her…

“And, done!” You said as you put a mirror to her face. Ellie would grab the handle of it and wouldn’t be able to help but smile. The way everything ties together as she look at her features. The brightness under her eyes she never knew she needed, an enhancing berry blush that made her face smaller yet more adult, her lips were bigger and tinted with pink, a black hue on the eyes and an even darker line across my lid making her eyes look elongated and feminine, and finally her eyelashes pointed towards the sky reaching for something empowering. That’s what she felt. Empowered.

But then she looked at her hair, short, this was not the style for her. But why is it not? Her jawline sharp, more stubble than the average 9 year old girl. Ellie questioned so many different about herself as I looked at myself that day. She looked at you “Well hand me a wipe! My mom is gonna kill me if i look like this at home.”

“Oh come on! It would be a fun surprise,” You exclaimed with confidence and promise in your voice. “But, you should go now because next time I have to tell you something really important! And it can’t wait anytime after then,” your voice wavered more than it did in her previous remark. Ellie looked at her with her head slightly tilted toward the right as to question you without saying anything.

“Uh.. would you look at that!” You grabs her phone and shows me the lock screen. A selfie. You and Ellie. It’s 18 ‘till 8 o’clock! You have to go”

Swiftly you open a drawer on your desk and pull out a makeup wipe and hand it to Ellie with an awkward smile. “Oh thanks, Ells,”

“Yup totally! I got you dude,” She wondered why that felt like being stabbed. Hm.

“Okay bye Ellie! Have a good night.”

★

oki it’s short i know stfu. opinions??? i have opinions on trans ellie. i think it’s cute yes but i don’t think i can see ellie as a character being trans within the tlou universe (ive never seen anyone say this) but idk. i feel like it’s kinda belittling towards this independent, strong, woman, to say she had to be amab in order to be as successful as she is. also it’s fr just porn if u try looking for anything trans ellie related. trans people are so fetishized it’s gross. ugh. ew. blegh.

[confetti-cupcake]

WIP Wednesday 🧁

Thanks for the tag @hoodie-buck! 🩷 This is from my Amazing Race fic, which I thought might be a one-shot, but is quickly devolving into a two-shot faster than I can say "roadblock". Enjoy!

Eddie sighs, wringing his hands together. “So, I’ve been thinking a lot. About what you said the other day. How I should put myself out there more. And how I should maybe start doing more things for myself.”

“Right,” Buck says, cocking his head a little.  

“And I think you were right about that. You made me think about things in a way that I hadn’t really before. Mainly what I’m doing with my life, and what I’m getting out of it. I’ve been living with Christopher so front of mind that I never really stopped to think about what I want. And so I brought you here to ask you something that I think is a little overdue.”

Buck straightens up in his seat and sets his hands on the table. He looks back at Eddie, eyes glimmering with something that looks strangely like hope. “Okay.”

“Buck.” Eddie takes a deep breath. “Will you be my partner?” He clears his throat. “Uh, m-my Amazing Race partner,” he clarifies quickly because he realizes that was his id talking there. He suddenly wants to sink underneath the floorboards of this establishment and live on as a cellar stowaway, if it means he'll never be perceived or slip up again.

Buck just gapes at him–eyes wide, mouth hanging open, no reply. It’s as if unbridled joy was thrown into a bowl with wilting disappointment and was promptly blended into the most utter confusion he’s ever seen on a person, even for Buck. His eyes, his brow, his cheeks and his lips all tell vastly different stories. For the first time in Eddie’s life, he’s not sure what to make of Buck’s response. 

“Oh.”

Oh? This was… not the reaction he’d been expecting. “Yeah. Is, um, everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Buck says, vaguely gesturing into the air. “Just, uh, processing it all. So you’re… you’re really going to do it?”

Eddie nods. “I called her back this morning. You were right. I should do something for myself. A little extra money wouldn’t hurt. And who knows? Maybe it could be fun.”

“And you want me to run it with you? What about your sisters, or–or your parents?”

“You really think I could stand to race around the world with anyone in my family right now? And I hope you realize that all the reasons that you said I’d be good at it apply to you, too. You know more random facts about the world than anyone else I know, and you know so much about the race. And I trust you to have my back. Can’t really say that for many other people.” His eyes widen. “You know how to drive stick, right? ‘Cause Bobby says that’s important.”

“I do, actually.” Bucks gaze shifts down to the table, his fingers lacing together anxiously. “Eddie, I–I can’t…” he trails off, and flits his eyes toward him again, but can't quite meet him square. “You sure you really want to do this with me?”

“Are you kidding? You’re the only person I’d want to do this with.” This, and everything else, for the rest of my life. “So, what do you say? You in?”

Tagging: @elvensorceress @eddiebabygirldiaz @monsterrae1 @queerbuckleys @bibuckbuckley

@ashwinmeird @loserdiaz

[odinsblog]

Have you ever been over something, and then years later, someone, out of the blue, brings it up and it really just knocks the wind out of you?

Okay, so this is about high school. I’m nearly 40, so that’s multiple lifetimes ago, right?

I’m pretty sure that I’ve posted about this here at least once, but I can’t find the post to link to it

Here’s the deal

In high school I wasn’t …. hmm …. Idk exactly how to describe it. I played sports (track, football, swimming), but I wasn’t POPULAR popular, right? But I also wasn’t NOT popular

My high school (in Florida) hadn’t been desegregated for very long, and there weren’t a LOT of Black students but there was enough of us so that we felt as comfortable as you possibly could given the circumstances

But I was like a universal joint: I played well with others and I fit in well with almost everyone, and if you don’t include some of the overtly racist teachers, I had almost no enemies (don’t get me wrong, I definitely had my share of fights with school bullies, but after you win enough of those, they kinda stop trying you)

Anyway,

I cannot even tell you why, but for some reason in senior year I decided to run for president of the student class

Wild, right?

So after all of the preliminary votes, it narrowed down to two people (I was more surprised than anyone that I actually made it that far - I guess bc I never really expected to win, maybe running for student class president was kinda like a high school bucket list thing for me?)

Anyway, my final opponent was a white guy named Bill. I knew Bill because in high school somewhere along the way, it was impressed on me that I should participate in as many non-athletic extracurricular activities as possible, to make me a better rounded person, and I was in the SUPER FUCKING RACIST Interact Club with Bill. How racist was Interact, you ask? Well, you had to “apply” for membership to Interact. When I applied, I had no idea what it was. I just knew that my student counselor had suggested it to me, and why not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(my graduating class was 2,500 students large, so it wasn’t as big as some of the schools I had attended up north, but it was “big” for Florida)

A teacher was responsible for actually running Interact, but the students really RAN it, know what I mean? Even though I had been working since I was 10yrs old, my Interact Club interview was probably my first real interview. It was kind of a big deal. Like, you had to schedule it and dress up for it and everything. And if you got accepted, your name got put up on a placard, prominently located on one of the main halls of our school

My first interview question, from the teacher in charge of the “club,” was: “Can you take racist jokes against Black people without getting angry?”

WTF??

To say the least, I was 100% completely caught off guard—I knew what racism was, and I definitely knew that it was present in my school, because I’d experienced it firsthand from other students and teachers, but for some reason I wasn’t expecting it to happen at Interact Club. Silly me

I suddenly became acutely aware that I was the only Black person in a room full of white people: the teacher/advisor, about 10 students who were already members of Interact, and mf Bill. Because OF COURSE Bill was already in Interact, and he was just grinning from ear to ear as I sat there in front of the classroom in this fucking “interview” from hell

BUT…! Anyone who knows me knows that one of my core personality traits is, if I get hit—no matter how hard—I always always always hit back. After a moment or two, my response was: “Yeah, can YOU take racist jokes about crackers?”

NGL, I’m not known for my quick wit, or always having the deftest or best clapbacks, but I surprised myself. I really patted myself on the back for that one

Nobody said a word for what seemed like an eternity. It was enough time that I still remember wondering if I might get detention or suspended or something

Finally, the teacher just said, “Okay. You’re in” and he got up, and quietly left the room. Leaving me alone with Bill and 10 not very amused white boys. Bill wasn’t grinning anymore

One or two of the guys got up (I was fully ready to fight, and I was cocky enough to believe that I could take them all down), but they just shook my hand, congratulated me and then they all left the room too

I would later learn that I was the first Black student in my county to get (“accepted”) into the Interact Club. This motif of, “first Black person to…” would follow me around in a lot of aspects in life, until my late 20s

Now, fast forward to the day before Election Day for student body president. It was my very first time giving a public speech. To a crowded auditorium full of my classmates. It was a little bit nerve wracking, but once I got into it, it was easy peasy. Enough so that I actually remember relaxing on stage and even ad libbing a few jokes into my speech. All in all, it wasn’t a bad experience. In fact, I kinda enjoyed it

Lmao, I made a shit ton of promises that I had no idea how I would keep, like getting the school to play music from the local Black radio station in the cafeteria during lunch—and the auditorium exploded in cheers and applause with this impromptu commitment of mine. Like I said, it was a good experience

Bill gave his speech, but I remember it being flat, bland and boring (kinda like Bill) and there was a smattering of claps here and there, and I distinctly recall thinking, “Is Bill really bombing here?” It surprised me because I was like, he had home field advantage, right? I mean, I could count on the Black students to vote for me, but collectively we didn’t account for more than about 15% of my student body class. We had to be bussed in. Bill shoulda been killing it. He had home field advantage, right??

The day after our speeches, was voting day. The principal told Bill and I that we would each be given the results in person before last period, and then the winner would be announced via intercom at the end of the school day. The principal made it clear that the loser would be expected to gracefully accept the outcome and shake hands with the winner. He was looking directly at me as he said this, but it didn’t bother me that much because I never really expected to win. I was outnumbered, but I was proud of myself for making it this far. And everyone who I passed in the hallways was telling me, “Don’t worry, O, I voted for you. You got this in the bag.” A surprising number of white kids were saying this to me. The football team, cheerleaders,… like … a lot of white kids. Hmm… interesting

Weirdly, the closer that me winning seemed like a real possibility, the more I wanted it. But there was no fucking way that I was going to actually win

In the middle of that day, announcement day, I was called to the principal’s office via the p.a. system. I was shaking walking down to the office

I made my way into the office and the school secretary smiled at me and told me to go to another room down the hall where “they” were all waiting for me

And now I’M SUPER NERVOUS

I get to the closed door of the room, take a deep breath, gather my nerves, open the door and go in

And the ONLY people in that room are Bill and that fucking Interact Club teacher, and a few members of the Interact Club. Bill is wearing this giant smirk on his face, and the teacher is smiling. “You lost,” the teacher bluntly told me. “Now shake hands with Bill”

And I start to shake hands, because all of the wind is rapidly leaving my sails, and I’m literally deflating in front of everyone, but just before my hand meets with Bill’s hand, I pause and ask, “How much did I lose by?”

This wasn’t me trying to buy time or anything, I genuinely wanted to know. I was just curious. The teacher looked like this question caught him off guard, and he looked back at two of the students, and then they looked at each other, and they whispered to each other, and then one of them raised one finger, and the Interact teacher said, “You lost by one vote”

Somehow, that was even worse than losing by a hundred votes

And Idk where this presence of mind came from, but I asked if I could get a recount (losing by one vote wasn’t sitting right with me)

The Interact teacher said he didn’t think that was allowed, but he must have seen the look on my face (I was definitely going to go ask the principal) and he gave me a disapproving sigh and said, “Okay, we’ll do the recount. Come back in an hour.”

And I was like, “WHO will do the recount?” and he gestures to the Interact Club members and himself

Oh. Okay.

I just walked out without saying anything. Bill and his friends and the racist teacher were in charge of the vote counting. Great. Fine. Whatever

Needless to say, when the “recount” was done, I still “lost” but this time, I was told that I lost by 2 votes

So yeah, it wasn’t thee worst thing to ever happen to me, but it left a really bad taste in my mouth, ya know? After it was announced to the entire school, everyone was coming up to me for days afterwards telling me that they voted for me and they couldn’t believe that I didn’t win

I always believed that I had won, but it was high school. Whatchagonnado? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It wasn’t a life defining moment or anything, it was just something that happened, but it’s not lost on me that I still recall everything as if it happened last week

But I did let it go and I moved on

It’s something that I haven’t thought about literally in years. Decades, in fact

Until recently

I was out running one morning and a guy was going in the opposite direction and he kinda stared at me as I went around him. And then he yells, “Hey, is your name Odin?” and I stop and go back and tell him yes, and we start talking, and it turns out that he went to my high school. I completely do not remember him, but whatever. It’s always kinda nice to see old faces from old places

So after a few minutes we do the obligatory, “hey let’s exchange phone numbers and keep in touch” thing, but even though I gave him my phone number, I had absolutely no intention of ever contacting him. I’m busy. I got shit to do

Maybe a month later, I get a phone call and it’s the dude who I bumped into who knew me from high school. So in real time, it’s last week

We’re talking and I’m ready to hang up after about 30 seconds, but I don’t want to be rude so I let him keep talking and waited for the right moment to jump in and throw in an excuse to end the call

He’s going on and on and says, “I know you didn’t recognize me that day, but I was trying to talk to you and tell you something, but you seemed like you were in a rush…” and I’m thinking to myself, yeah, much like right now, and for some reason I get unusually blunt (in social settings I’m normally more patient and accommodating, but something felt off, and I really was busy)

Then he says, “I need to tell you something, but I …”

Long silence

Look, man, whatever it is just say it

“Thanks, I just never thought I’d … I want to get it off my … (long sigh)”

Just say it

“You won that election back in high school. I was one of the people counting the votes. You won. You won by a lot. We gave it to Bill”

……

[xx-slug-xx]

Hey @rittz :) this is my side blog so I’m replying to you in a post. If you want to reply to whatever I say here, then I’d really appreciate it if you just did so through reblog if that’s fine with you lol

First of all, I’m not uncomfortable with my identity whatsoever. I wouldn’t even say I exist in a middle ground either, and I’m also not uncomfortable with that fact about myself. I cannot control my identity, and I’m perfectly fine with that, but that doesn’t mean that my identity isn’t complex. I love being complex! This is especially true when talking about sexuality. Humans are complicated creatures after all, so I am no different. I actually don’t lean on any one single label to describe my sexuality, because multiple labels are able to define me in some way. I don’t know what to tell you, but I find it redundant that people expect every person on this planet to adhere to there personal expectations for any given label, especially for those in the LGBTQ+ community. I’m not apologetic about that, or the fact that I don’t fit into your personal definition for any given term. You say I’m “not actually asexual”, however, you know nothing about me besides the post that you commented on. You don’t know my life, my sexual history, or what lead me to use the label in the first place. People use labels for different reasons. Most people don’t just uses a label because it sounds cool. They choose a label that they personally feels best defines them. I am no different. Labels for my sexual identity aren’t for others to apply to me, it’s for me to apply to myself based on my own personal life experiences.

I find it funny that you have claimed to not be aphobic. However, most of the points you’ve made have been, inherently, aphobic talking points. “you’re too young”, “you don’t have the sexual experience to know”, “not being a sexual person can be normal”, and “you haven’t found the right person” are all aphobic talking points, and yet, you used all of them in some capacity. You can claim you aren’t aphobic all you want, but it’s obvious that you have internalize aphobia in some form due to how you discuss this issue. And to address these points, I’m an adult (21) whose more than capable of knowing what I want, and I have absolutely no desire for sexual intimacy with another person. It’s not that hard to understand, both for myself and for others. My age doesn’t dictate anything about my sexuality or how much I am aware of it’s affect on me, and the same goes for others in the LGBTQ+ community. I find it rude that you make assumptions about my sexual history due to my age and due to the fact that I do not fit into your personal deffiniton for “asexual”. It’s much more rude when you know you’ve said aphobic things and are inherently being exclusionist, and try to deflect it by saying you aren’t. This goes for anyone. It’s a bad argument when you say one thing while trying to make yourself look better by saying that the opposite is true. It’s not too dissimilar to “I’m not racist, but-”, though obviously, it’s not exact. You can say you aren’t trying to be rude and whatever else, but that doesn’t make what you have to say change it’s meaning into something that someone won’t take as being objectively rude.

You’re right in saying that asexual and allosexual are not sliding scales. It’s a spectrum, but that’s sexuality in general. People use labels for different reasons. Personally, I have found that using the asexual label to define me is a whole lot easier when I have to discuss my sexuality with others. If I were to go into depth, it would be an essay. I’m not going to confuse others with a long-winded response to a simple question. Telling people “I’m asexual” is more comfortable for me and for others. I also do not need to explain my sexuality in depth to anyone, and that includes you. Nobody has the right to know everything about me, let alone why I chose a specific label. That’s the whole point in labels, partially, in my opinion. A single word that can be used to define and simplify a very complex aspect of a person, that’s how I see labels.

It’s also more than strange to me that you, someone who isn’t asexual, is trying to define what the term means for us. This assumption is based on the fact that you only refer to other people as being asexual, and not yourself. If you don’t apply to this label, then who are you to tell us how we are supposed to use it? Now I could be wrong in this, if so, then let me know.

You’re also trying to imply that I imagine allosexuals as people who are always horny. Which isn’t true for me and how almost every person defines the term “allosexual”. You’re coming up with arguments that are based purely on hypotheticals. Your also implying that libido and sexual atraction are the same thing, which they aren’t. I, and anyone else, can be horny and not want to be sexually intimate and/or experience attraction. Don’t equate a biological response to stimuli that people experience and say that every time someone feels horny (or really, any form of arousal), then they are feeling sexual attraction. That’s a very dangerous way of thinking. An example for why this is true would be people with P-OCD who experience any form of arousal from their intrusive thoughts, which is quite commonly found in any sexually-themed intrusive thoughts. Key word is intrusive thoughts, as they are unwanted and people who experience these thoughts are often disgusted by them. Though it’s unwanted, they feel arousal nonetheless. This arousal does not mean they are attracted to these thoughts, or the idea of acting on them. It’s just how the brain and body work together. You can do your own research on the topic if you don’t believe me.

The LGBTQ+ community is full of labels that can change meaning depending on how an individual defines that term for themselves. An example would be calling yourself “gay”. Gay is most often used to define people who experience homosexual attraction. However, different people will use it in different ways. It doesn’t just mean that someone is a gay man or a lesbian. A lot of bisexual people, pansexual people, and others will use the term “gay” to describe themselves. People generally call themselves gay if they feel any sort of attraction, in any amount, towards someone who isn’t the opposite gender. People also commonly call themselves gay if they are attracted to agender, non-binary, and/or genderfluid people. However, for some people, when applied to that specific individual, “gay” means they are only attracted to people of the same gender. The point is, the label “gay” doesn’t just have one stagnant meaning applied to it. It all depends on how an individual is defining it for themselves, not for others. The same can be said for asexual people as well, from my personal experience with myself and the asexual community.

From my experience with people who describe themselves using “asexual”, or any other label under the ace umbrella, their lack of sexual attraction has a much larger role in their sexuality than any sort of feeling of allosexuality does. Aceflux, grey ace, and demisexual are all a few examples of labels people use when they fit into the ace spectrum in some fashion. If you try to argue that these well established labels for peoples’ sexualities do not exist, then I cannot feel comfortable arguing about this with you. It is not appropriate to discuss the existence of other people and their experience with their sexuality in a way that at all insinuates that they are “wrong” or that these sexualities “do not exist”.

I typically use the label “aegosexual” because I fit into that term to the T. However, most people don’t know what that word even is. I also don’t want to explain it to people constantly. Because it fits under the asexual umbrella, I just use “asexual” when I’m in the real world. Or, I just say “queer”. It’s really not a big deal and it doesn’t hurt people. It doesn’t even muddle the original term in any fashion, from my standpoint at least, because it tells people “oh, this person doesn’t like sex, doesn’t have sex, and doesn’t wish to have sex”, which is true for me. That’s all it needs to be, and I don’t owe people any more than that, or even anything if I really think about it.

Quite frankly, anyone who tries to tell me what I’m allowed to call myself based on my perception of my own life experiences is a fool to me. I’m a random internet stranger, and people only know me based on my posts. I don’t post every aspect about myself, and I don’t need to either. If I find a different label that better defines me, then I will use that one. Or if I find that something about my sexuality changes in the future, then I will change my label. But right here, in this moment, this is the label that I feel best defines me. Nobody is going to convince me that I’m wrong about something I’ve had to live with my whole life. I don’t tell you what you can call yourself, you shouldn’t tell me what to call myself either.

[blueepink07]

I've been asked how Kotoko had got the police baton, so this is my attempt to answer!

There are only two options in which Kotoko could get a weapon: from the storage room or by making a request to the guard.

From here, I will properly discuss these two...

In Es's VD, Jackalope informs us of the existence of this storage room. He implies that in here are stored mostly necessities. To note that "Mostly" doesn't mean exclusively, meaning that there are also items which aren't basic objects, used everyday.

Jackalope: Hm… I guess that’s true as well. [more footsteps] Here is the prisoners’ shower room. Across is the storage room. Necessities are mostly here. 

Es: For prisoners… The prisoners go in and out of this passageway as well?

Now, something that Jackalope never elaborates is what does he mean by necessity? Does a weapon can be considered a necessity, if we take into account that it can be used as self defence? Legally speaking, no, it isn't. Self defence it's not a lawful excuse to carry weapons.

However, Milgram is not constructed based on the laws applied in real life. And if I would be in a place where the people around me are murderes, I would want to have something to protect myself with.

But, even so, the Milgram prison is in Es's care, and Jackalope directly states that Es is administering the prison. It's been illustrated many times that Es dislikes violence and hates seeing the prisoners getting hurt. So, as an administrator, I'm very sure that they will try to get rid of any weapon, if there were any to begin with.

Jackalope: Yeah. When they’re allowed in the passageway, whether showers should be separated by male and female and so on, the specific rules for their lives are things you decide later.

Es: I decide?

Jackalope: Yeah. Milgram leaves how it’s administered up to you. Whether you wanna make it heaven or hell, that’s your call.

Es: Got it.

Okay, but Amane took the scissors from the storage room and attacked Es...

That’s true! However, scissors are necesseraly in order to do basic activities! For example, Shidou surely must have needed a scissor in order to cut the bandages in order to cover Mahiru's and Fuuta's injuries.

(Amane tries to strike Es, but gets stopped by the barrier)

Es: I’m telling you it’s impossible for prisoners to attack the warden.

Amane: I won’t forgive you…! I won’t forgive you!

Es: Did you get those scissors from the storage room? Were you never taught that you’re not supposed to use those on people?

Scissors can be considered deadly weapons? Yes, of course! But they can have other uses? Yes, unfortunately, for our situation.

So, I really don’t think Kotoko would have taken a police baton from the storage room, because it doesn't have any uses other than being a weapon and, if it were there in the first place, Es would have most probably taken it.

Now, since I have brought up Es and his dislike for violence, I think it's the time to continue with the second option.

Since before the beginning of the first trial, prisoners could send a request to get an item of their wish. Usually basic necessities, but also luxury items to an extent. Muu's first voice drama and many Minigrams state that this is also Es's responsability.

20/06/02

Yuno: Shidou-san, apparently if you send a request to the guard, they’ll provide us with any basic necessities we require.

Apparently we can even get some more luxury items to an extent. Is there anything you want?

In Muu's voice drama, because they know that she has ordered a crepe cake, and in Minigrams they are literally shown reading the requests!

Es: Oh? Why is that? You lot are given a decent amount of freedom here. We’re granting you the few indulgences which exist as well. In fact, even you’ve sent in a request asking for a crepe cake as well.

Muu: That’s… That’s true, but… And, I did eat the crepe cake, but… I just really wanna go home.

However, Minigrams show two times that weapons are not something to be given for granted, at least when Es is awake. Because Es will never accept to give dangerous items to the prisoners.

But when Es is asleep, they will not be in charge anymore with the requests, meaning that the only one that can take their place is Jackalope. And it's not like this rabbit can't be capable to hold items! He is actually the one cooking in this prison!

Jackalope: The truth is, I'm the head chef of this prison. Be it Japanese, Western or Chinese cuisine, I can make anything.

Es: I have another question… Can you even hold a frying pan or a knife with those hands?

Jackalope: If I grasp firmly, I can.

Moreover, we know for sure that the requests are still available during intermissions. And, no, I will not give as an example the change of clothes, because it's possible the prisoners asked for them, even before the intermission started. What I want to give as example is Muu's and Mahiru's statements.

Muu is informing us that she has a happy life in prison, because she can receive anything she requests, implying that she still got many items she had asked when Es was sleeping.

Muu: But as for me, I think Milgram has become a lot more comfortable! I know now that I can get whatever I want if I ask for it, so I don’t need to be so on edge anymore.

Mahiru's statement is even a better example. She is thankful for receiving a wheelchair and that Shidou has got medical supplies. Objects that would not have been necesseraly, if Kotoko wouldn't have attacked the other prisoners, during the intermission.

Mahiru: It’s all thanks to Shidou-san. Ah… I think I should thank Milgram as well. For supplying us with the medical tools and the wheelchair and all that. I wonder if you’re the right person to say this to?

Es: …

Mahiru: Why do you look so sad…?

Es: Because… you suffered such major injuries…

But what follows after these words, her question, it's what it is interesting. She wonders if Es is the right person to say all these thanks. Es was asleep, during the attack and when she had received treatment, so no, Mahiru, Es isn't the one who supplied you with all these!

Jackalope did and interesting he is the reason for why you got injuried to begin with!

When Es is asleep, Jackalope has no reason to actually not take a request that asks for a dangerous weapon. He is a sadist, he likes seeing the other prisoners in pain.

For him, this is entertainment.

I know this answer doesn't really give any satisfaction... But I thought that by taking the two options and discussing them will lead me to an answer. Honestly, in order to check, we could ask Kotoko in her interrogation question. It might be an important information for the future trial, who knows?

[1moreff-creator]

(03) David Chiem - First Trial (DRDT - Milgram AU)

IMPORTANT: This had to be reposted due to technical issues (it wasn't showing up on tags). There were two votes on the original before I privated it to avoid confusion. Please check you've voted if this disclaimer wasn't there when you first saw the post.

Another entry in this crossover AU! This time David, with his VD Nebula, and his MV Star in the Night! Wait. David… MV? David MV? Oh God no not again I don’t wanna go back no-! (/joke) 

Thumbnail:

So for the content warnings, you know what, I’ll just make an universal list of all the content warnings I think the AU will need, hopefully I don’t miss anything. So, here are the universal CWs! Not all of them apply to David, but I do this to prevent sorta spoiling things in the CWs. In no particular order:

Universal CWs: Violent murder, suicide, self-harm, stabbing, strangling, poisoning, gun violence, fire, child abuse, animal death, bullying, road accidents, betrayals, transphobia, mass death, conspiracy to harm.

By the way, important note: when I originally made the Undercover post, I fucked up with his kill-shot. The victim was supposed to have one shoe off, and I forgot to mention it, oops. I’ve edited it, but  just in case you hadn’t seen the edit, keep that in mind. 

Voice Drama: Nebula

(Why is David so hard to write send help. Hope he's not too ooc)

*Footsteps*

Es: Hi!

David: Hello there! My name is David Chiem. A pleasure!

E: And I’m Es! Nice to meet you, David!

D: I hope you don’t mind me asking, but you are the Warden of Milgram, right?

E: That’s right! Why do you ask?

D: Well, I wanted to know if I could bring certain… issues, to your attention. After all, you are an authority figure here, from what I understand.

E: Oh! Of course! Is there something wrong? Are any of the other prisoners causing you trouble?

D: Oh, no! Nothing like that. It’s just, well. See, you’ve claimed every person here is a murderer, right? 

E: That’s right, yeah.

D: Well, it seems there’s been a mistake. But don’t worry! I won’t hold it against you!

E: A mistake? What do you mean?

D: Well, how do I put this? I… have been wrongly imprisoned, you see. I’ve never… killed anyone.

E: Huh, really? You know, it’s funny. You’re not the first to say that.

D: Oh? Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were other innocent people here. But it’s fine! Mistakes can be corrected. It’s not difficult to change, if you’re willing to!

E: … Is that so? You know… you seem pretty calm about all this.

D: Hm, I guess you could say that. But it’s just who I am. See, I try to be as positive as I can, since I know there's a lot of people that don't get the privilege. 

E: Really now? And you don’t think a situation like this merits being at least a little bit worried?

D: Ah, I guess so. I…am worried, deep down. But being negative can only make things worse, right? When it feels like everything else is against you, the least you can do is help yourself. 

E: Hm…

D: A lot of the people here are extremely distressed, understandably so. And I have to think, well, these people might have bigger issues than me, yes? I live a pretty good life, I can look forward to returning to it whenever this all blows over. So it’s my responsibility to keep morale high! 

E: Alright…  And what does your life look like that you are seemingly so content with it?

D: Want to count my blessings, huh? Well, let’s see. Although I’m an only child, I have a good relationship with the rest of my family, and I have good connections with people outside of it as well. I consider myself talented, there are some things I’m quite good at! I am quite wealthy thanks to my work as a professional inspirational speaker, so I don’t have any financial concerns. In fact, one of the other murderers even recognized me!

E: Oh! What a coincidence!

D: Yeah, right? I was surprised too-

E: So why did you call them a murderer? 

D: *Sputter* I’m sorry?

E: You said they were “one of the other murderers.” I thought you said you believed some of the others could have been wrongfully imprisoned? I would imagine someone as positive as you would only want to assume the very best, right? 

D: *Sharp breath*

E: *Slightly smug* Not to mention, “other murderers?” I thought you hadn’t killed anyone, David.

D: Yes, that’s right! I’m- I’m sorry, it was a slip of the tongue. 

E: Is that really it? You seem nervous about something. 

D: *Nervous chuckle* Didn’t you tell me I should feel worried about my situation? But now you’re suddenly concerned with a bit of stress over false accusations. *Fake-sounding chuckle* You’re giving me contradictory information, Warden!

E: *Cheery* Well, at that point you hadn’t revealed you knew you were a murderer! 

D: Huh? What do you mean, know I’m a murderer?

E: Well, sorry! But you are a murderer.

D: … Are you- Are you serious? I make one little mistake, just misspeak once, and you immediately assume the worst?

E: …

D: You know, things like this have happened before. People like to pretend I’ve said things I haven’t said, misinterpret actions and statements… That can hurt people, you know? 

E: …

D: Just jumping to conclusions… all of you are the same. You hear only what you want to hear, and then decide I’m a murderer just because I misspoke-

E: No, that’s wrong.

D: …What?

E: I don’t think you’re a murderer just because of what you said. I just never believed you from the start. Again, sorry!

D: … Excuse me?

E: You are a prisoner in Milgram. That is all the proof I need to know your actions have led to someone’s death. Because of that, when you told me you weren’t a murderer, I knew there were only three options.

D: … Do enlighten me, please.

E: One option is that you are mistaken. Maybe you don’t consider what you did murder, when in the eyes of Milgram, it could be judged as such. The second is that you were lying to yourself, in an attempt to protect yourself from your actions.

D: …

E: The third is that you were lying to me.

D: …

E: That Freudian slip of yours was enough to tell me you do consider yourself a murderer. So you’re not mistaken, and you’re not lying to yourself. Therefore, you must have been lying to me!

D: … I see. 

E: So you admit to it?

D: … Admit to it? Admit to what? Your reasoning only works if you assume this accursed prison can’t get things wrong, which is just delusional. 

E: Perhaps you feel that way. Except, I know you don’t, since you consider the others murderers as well. 

D: Will you just-?! *Deep breath*

E: Listen, David. I’m not mad at you. I understand your murder must have been traumatic-

D: I didn’t- 

E: But lying and hiding it all isn’t going to help you here. I will find out the truth anyways, so being honest is probably your best bet!

D: Being- *Mix between a chuckle and a short wheeze* Do you even know what you’re asking me to do?

E: I don’t think I’m asking too much! Just tell me what you did and-

D: You really don’t understand anything, huh? 

E: … Your eyes…

D: Oh? Are the stars gone? Yeah, they do that.

E: N-Nevermind that. What do you mean I don’t understand anything?

D: … Well. How do I put this? I can’t have you- You shouldn’t be allowed to know everything about my life, right? What gives you the right to invade my privacy? Nothing! 

E: That’s unfortunate for you, then! I will find the truth, whether you like it or not.

D: … *sigh, his voice is filled with poison* You really are arrogant, huh? 

E: … And you aren’t really as positive as you say, right? 

D: …

E: David?

D: Ah! Apologies. It seems I was losing track of myself there. I apologize if I said something hurtful.

E: *Sputter* The stars-

D: In any case, if I may, I’ll once again state. Nothing I've ever done could be considered murder, and I wholeheartedly believe that.

E: But that's a lie.

D: Perhaps. But, you see... If you do find the truth…

E: …

D: Then you might as well just kill me on the spot!

*Machinery whirs*

E: Huh? Wait, what do you mean?

D: Oh, it seems the extraction process starts now, right? That’s unfortunate.

E: Wait, I still have questions! I just need more time!

D: Ha… well, we all want what we can’t have, I guess. 

E: Huh? 

D: Ah! Sorry, maybe that came off a bit depressing. In any case, I want to leave you with one last message, a quote from Shakespeare’s Othello. 

E: What are you-

D: “To mourn a mischief that is past and gone is the next way to draw new mischief on.”

E: Huh?

D: "Holding grudges and focusing on the past will only lead to misfortune." It is better to focus on the future and-!

E: Are you serious?! Stop trying to convince me into not doing my job! It’s not going to work.

MonoTV: Well, it sorta is! Why are you taking so long? We’re on a schedule here. 

D: *Chuckle*

E: Urgh…

E: Prisoner 03, David Chiem, sing your sins!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trial 1 Cover: Magical Girl and Chocolate by PinnochioP

(Listen I saw the chance to play into the magical girl joke and had to do it)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Music Video: Star in the Night

(By the way, I reference Chinese tally marks quite a bit, so here they are for reference. Also to clarify they are used in other countries but I'm calling them that because their origin is Chinese (from what I understand I hope I'm not getting this too wrong), I don't know if there's a better term for them, sorry)

(I also call out real books by name, which I hope isn’t too immersion breaking, but I felt it was fitting considering who we’re dealing with lol. Now the song)

[The music sounds like a pretty standard “inspirational” pop song. Think Firework by Katy Perry]

[David speaks the first few lines]

Welcome ladies, gentlemen, and everyone else! It’s the start of another wonderful day! Let us make the most of it! I hope you can trust me when I say, It will all be alright

The video starts on a shot of an empty stage, the front row seats barely visible around it. In the center stands David, who looks small in comparison to the stage. Several spotlights shine on him, his arms out beside him. He’s wearing his canon outfit (pre-CH2 EP11), as well as a white domino mask with golden highlights (the one from the thumbnail) over his eyes. He also wears a pin on his right, which looks like a pink camellia. A red dot is visible on the top left of the screen, alongside the word REC.

The camera slowly zooms in, and David puts his left hand over his chest as he continues talking. He smiles wide and bright as the opener ends, and the camera glitches.

[Now he starts singing. I’m still basing this off Firework tbh]

Waking up again, Watching the sun rise, (I) Another brand new start, Another breath of air! (II)

(I) We get a shot of David sitting up on a bed with a deep blue blanket decorated with stars. The walls are grey, but there’s a window with purple curtains in the background, which lets in sunlight. His head is off frame, but he’s reaching up towards it with his left hand. There’s a nightstand off to the left. On it we see a simple lamp, a photograph frame (the photograph is obscured), and a phone with a blue case. There’s a grey circle visible in the top left of the screen. 

(II) We zoom in on the phone, the grey circle at the top right still visible. The phone screen lights up with a message. 

Edward W. 

Good morning. Remember we signed an agreement for an advertisement with…

After that message arrives, David’s hand appears on screen and grabs the phone.

Burning ever bright, the passion for your life. (I) Don’t ever put it down, And hope will never drown! (II)

(I) We’re back at the stage, the same scene as before, but now we’re looking at David’s back. The seats for the audience are visible, and on them sit a bunch of grey figures with no discernible features. The circle at the top left is red again, and once more the REC word appears next to it. 

(II) Grey circle again, as we switch to a scene with a pure white background. A hand with the following bracelet appears from the top right, holding the white domino mask.

(Please pretend that's not the shittiest image ever made)

Another, smaller hand appears from the bottom left, grabbing the mask and taking it off screen. 

[Pre-chorus, the instrumental builds]

See a quasar that now spins Emitting hope, emitting dreams! (I) The center, truly irrelevant When the light is all we see! So- (II)

(I) Grey circle. Back to a front-facing shot of David, who is holding the mask with his right hand. The shot starts with the mask covering the screen, but David swiftly brings the mask closer to him. His eyes lack stars. His expression is neutral-to-dead inside, and he looks down at the mask for a few seconds. 

(II) He takes a breath. Then, he brings his head down at the same time he brings the mask up, covering his face with his hand. He holds that position for a moment, and as the song says “light”, spotlights begin shining on him. At the same time, the circle turns red with REC again. When the “so” plays, David brings his hand up and we zoom in as he points to the sky.

[Chorus!]

Tally up the good things like dots in the sky! (I) You’ll find there’s always hope if you’re willing to try! (II) And even when you feel that you’re lost in the dark, (III) Then I offer my advice, allow me in your heart And then let me be your star in the night! (IV)

(I) Thumbnail image, except the tally symbols start off as yellow dots that look like stars before turning into the tally symbols we see in said image. 

(II) David continues singing, but we get different angles to make the shots a bit more interesting. 

(III) Front-facing shot of David again. His right hand is over his chest as he sings with a slightly less enthusiastic smile. The stars in his eyes fade out. When the song says “dark”, there’s a quick flash to another scene. The background is now black instead of blue, and while David is standing in the same position, his appearance is a bit different. Hair clips off, messy hair, tie undone, black circles around his pupils. He’s wearing a black and blue domino mask, similar to the other one he was wearing before. The pink camellia pin has disappeared, but now he’s wearing a black rose pin on his left. He looks vaguely frustrated. The circle is grey.

(IV) After only a moment, we’re back to the previous scene, and David continues singing as the camera slowly zooms out. Just as the chorus ends, the camera glitches a bit. We see this for a moment:

(Okay so there was an image here, but it gets the post shadowbanned for unknowable reasons. I'll just put the image description here:

"David stands neutrally, with his white mask outfit. He's in front of a green screen on a grey wall. It looks as if he's being recorded by a camera which shows things such as the time of recording, the camera battery, the pixel size, etcetera. Red REC circle on the top left.")

Then, the camera suddenly goes dark with a bright flash at the center, as if it had been turned off.

[More spoken words]

There will be times in your life, when you feel that (I) you don’t have anything worth living for. (II) This will always be false. (III) Let me tell you some, uh, paraphrased quotes from books I like, which help me maintain a positive attitude! (IV)

(I) We see David from a POV to his right. He’s sitting on a comfortable looking blue and yellow chair as he talks with a calm smile, wearing the white mask and pin with the red REC circle visible. He’s in a small room, with star decorations hanging from the ceiling. On the blue walls, there’s a poster of David (white mask and all) holding a book with a big smile on his face, alongside some unreadable text. The book has David's face on the cover.

(II) The screen glitches, and we’re now looking at David from the left. He’s still sitting on a similar chair, except it’s black and purple. He’s back to his bed-hair, black mask, dark circles around pupils, black rose pin costume. He’s smirking as he talks. The background is completely black, but the circle is still red with REC. 

(III) Screen glitches again, and we’re back at the same scene from (I).

(IV) We’re now in a different room, with a wooden floor and blue walls decorated with stars. Red circle with REC. The back of David’s head covers most of the screen, a hand with the same bracelet as before on his shoulder. In the background, there are four blurry, white silhouettes of people.

[Back to singing]

One: (I) Being harmed by cotton wool, Happiness scares the weak (II)

(I) We see a grey background with a horizontal line glowing bright yellow in the middle. There is a small table in the foreground, which shows a book with a pink cover and a black silhouette on front. The side reads “No Longer Human.”

(II) Red REC circle. We see one of the white silhouettes, with long hair, holding up a daisy flower as David (white mask) gives a thumbs up with a wide smile. The background is completely blue.

Two: (I) Our doubts, traitorous Make us lose what we may win (II)

(I) Same grey background as before, but now the glowing symbol in the background is the Chinese tally mark for 2. “No Longer Human” is still there, but now there’s a book standing next to it. It’s orange and has a scale on the front, alongside the words “Measure for Measure.”

(II) Grey circle. The screen is split in two. On the left, David without his hairpins (post-reveal hair), but also without a mask, is staring blankly at his phone. The background has the grey walls and purple curtains from his bedroom. On the right, we see someone in a suit with a pin which looks exactly like David’s hairpins accepting money being handed to them by a white silhouette. The white silhouette has similar pins on their other hand. The background there is blue.

Three: (I) Time and the hour, Run through even rough things (II)

(I) Same scene with the books, but now the symbol is the Chinese tally mark for 3 and there’s a new addition. A book with a red cover with a skull and a crown, labeled “Macbeth.”

(II) We see a white silhouette with short hair slouched over on a desk, in a dark room. They’re looking at a computer screen showing David’s white-masked, smiling face. The circle isn’t visible in its usual spot, but it’s on the computer screen, red with REC. The desk the computer is on has discarded candy wrappings all around the keyboard, as well as a white mug with a yellow star drawn on it.

Four: (I) Time soothes sorrows,  Be content you have known me. (II)

(I) Book shot. The symbol is now the Chinese tally mark for 4. Apart from the books which were already there, there’s now a white book off to the side, with a small, stylized drawing of a person with blond hair and green clothes standing on a grey sphere. We can barely see the words “The Little Prince.”

(II) Another white silhouette in a blue background, a book with David's face on the cover beside them. Red REC circle. The silhouette is on the floor, their hand outstretched towards (white-mask) David, who is leaning down over them and offering them a hand with a placid smile. It looks as if David is trying to help them stand up.

Five: (I) There’s relief when you know, You won’t carry burdens, see…

(I) The same scene as before, except all the books are gone. The symbol in the background is the Chinese tally mark for 5. On the table stands a book with a dark cover showing a big house, with the title “And Then There Were None.”

(II) We see David’s face (white mask, but hair undone), with a smile that doesn’t reach his (starless) eyes, as he accepts his usual hairpins being handed to him by a hand with the previously shown bracelet. 

[Pre-chorus]

And there is so much, so much more (I) So many reasons to carry on (II) Even when the world’s against you You just have to find your hope! (III) So (IV)

(I) Back to the scene with the comfortable looking chair for a moment. Red REC circle again.

(II) Grey circle. We see David’s back (post-EP11 hair) as he looks out the window of his bedroom, which shows a pitch black sky, the purple curtains framing the shot. 

(III) David walks off frame, but his reflection remains still on the window. It’s David with the black mask outfit, smirking. 

(IV) Screen glitches, and the window disappears, but David (black mask) is still there, on a black background. The circle turns red with REC, and spotlights begin shining on him. 

Tally up the good things like dots in the sky! (I) You’ll find there’s always hope if you’re willing to try! (II) And even when you feel that you’re lost in the dark, (III) Then I offer my advice, allow me in your heart (IV) And then let me be your star in the night! (V)

(I) David (still black mask, black rose pin, black circles around pupils, no hairpins and post-CH11 hair) points up, the camera zooms in on his hand. It quickly goes back to showing his full upper body, he’s still smirking. The background remains completely black, but the circle is still red with REC.

(II) We zoom in a bit. David tilts his head and rolls his eyes behind his mask.

(III) We change to the back of David’s head. We see the four white silhouettes on the black background, looking as taken aback as silhouettes can look. 

(IV) Screen glitches, we see a side shot of white mask David holding his hand out with a bright smile. Screen glitches again, now black mask David is standing in the same position.

(V) We see this:

[There’s a small guitar solo, as the music suddenly switches to a very fast-paced rock style instrumental. David can be heard laughing]

Still with his black mask outfit, David sits down on the same comfortable looking purple and black chair from before. He’s laughing.

[The next lines are sung very quickly]

One: (I)  I wonder, does it make me a villain… (II) Two: (III) If I choose to discard the ideal? (IV) Three: (V) Should I regret what is true now? (VI) Four: (VII) Is it my fault? Does it make me inhuman? (VIII) Ah… hahaha! … (IX) “Correct” (X)

(I) Back to the grey background with a table in the foreground. We again see a horizontal line glowing bright yellow in the background, but now there’s a withered daisy laying on top of the table.

(II) Screen is split, the circle is gone. To the left, David (black mask) has his mouth open in a smirk as he points to his head in a finger gun gesture. There is blood on his hand. To the right, we see the long haired white silhouette’s head laying on the ground with their head turned to the side, a splatter of a pink liquid under it. 

(III) Grey background with Chinese tally mark for 2 glowing. The withered daisy is still there, but now there’s also a broken pin beside it which looks very similar to David’s.

(IV) Screen is split again. To the right, a side shot of David holding his now bloodied neck with both hands, again with a big smirk. To the left, another white silhouette laying on the ground, face down with their hands to their sides, and without any pink liquid visible.

(V) Chinese tally mark for three on the grey background. Alongside the withered daisy and the pin, we see the broken pieces of a white mug with a star drawn on it.

(VI) In the bottom left, a shot from David’s left, where he’s giving a thumbs down with a bloody hand, the blood still on his hands and neck. On the top right, another white silhouette laying on a pool of pink liquid on the ground, their limbs bent in unnatural positions. 

(VII) Chinese tally mark for 4 in the grey background. Alongside the other objects, we see the book with David's face. It’s completely drenched in water, several pages ripped out and strewn around the table.

(VIII) To the right, a side shot of David pinching his nose, still smirking. On the left, another of the white silhouettes lays on the ground with their head tilted to the side, again without pink liquid.

(IX) We see David’s upper body as he stands up and cackles, throwing his arms out to the sides. As the laugh trails off, the screen glitches. David changes a bit. His hairstyle turns into his pre-Ch11 hairstyle, but he doesn’t have the hairpins. His eyes have neither stars nor dark circles around the pupils, though he does have eyebags. He’s not wearing a mask or a pin, and his tie is undone. He’s looking at the camera with a horrified expression. The grey circle returns. The screen fades to black as the laugh fully disappears and there’s silence for a moment.

(X) An image fades in from the black. It’s the same table from before, but lit more dimly. The grey background shows the Chinese tally symbol for five written in blood. The only thing in the table is the bracelet, stained with blood.

[Bridge, the instrumental slows down again]

Count up my mistakes, like stars in daylight.  You will find “me” again, if you’re willing to try. And even when it feels it’s all lost to the dark (I) Then I beg you, I beg you… (II)

(I) Screen fades in again, and we see David standing in the stage from chorus one. Grey circle, no spotlights. The shot is zoomed out, so David’s face is impossible to see, but his arms are to his side neutrally, and his head is tilted down. His hairpins and chest pins are missing, and his tie is undone. There is a stool next to him, the white mask laying on it. 

As he stands still, words appear behind him, slowly rising from the ground and scrolling to the top of the screen. 

CREDITS

Main cast:

Chiem D. 正 Williams E.

Producers:

Chiem D. Williams E. MILGRAM

Script-writing:

Williams E. Chiem D.

Camera Operator:

Chiem D.

Original Idea:

Chiem D.

Special Thanks:

Background Characters:

As the credits scroll, David brings his hands to his chest and fumbles around a bit. When he moves them away, his tie is now done correctly and his pink camellia pin is back up. He then takes something out of his pocket, and brings his hands to his hair. After removing the hands, his hair pins are back up. 

(II) Right as “Background Characters” appears on screen, we cut. Zoom in on the white mask on the stool, and David grabs it. Shot switches to David’s face, his eyes closed and mouth pressed in a thin line. He slaps the mask on his face, and quickly swipes his hand up. As he does, his mouth twists into a big smile, the circle turns red with REC, and the spotlights begin shining on him again.

Tally up the good things like dots in the sky!  You’ll find there’s always hope if you’re willing to try!  And even when you feel that you’re lost in the dark, (I) Then I offer my advice, (II) allow me in your heart (III) And then let me be your star in the night! (IV)

(I) The camera zooms out slightly to show David’s upper body, as he points up. The credits behind him now start scrolling backwards (top to bottom). He’s singing cheerily, but there are no stars in his eyes. Right as he says “lost in the dark”, the credits fully disappear from the screen.

(II) Cut to the ‘正’ symbol, written in blood, on a grey wall. Grey circle. 

(III) David’s hands appear on frame, holding a mirror with a golden frame. He puts it over the ‘正’ symbol, covering it completely. In the reflection, we see white mask David frowning at the mirror with starless eyes. 

(IV) Screen glitches, and we’re back to the same screen as before (white mask - no stars - spotlights - red REC circle - stage). David finishes singing, but he’s still breathing quickly.

[Instrumental begins to wind down]

The camera zooms out as David continues breathing heavily.

Let me be your star in the night!

The camera fades to static before suddenly cutting off.

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MonoTV: On the topic of inspirational speaking, do you need any encouragement?

Es: Uhm, I guess it couldn’t hurt?

M: Too bad! I’m not gonna be nice to you! 

E: Who are you talking to again? 

M: The only encouragement I’ll ever give you is when it comes time to cast your verdict. And speaking of that, it’s… g

VOTING TIME!!!

[ozwuv]

I love your art! So, I was wondering if you have any drawing tips you could give?

Hiii thank you so much for the kind words, I am really glad you like it!!! :’3

As far as tips, this is kind of a broad question that I think it varies widely in terms of how you want your art to look. Personally, my main priorities are fluidity and character interaction, so that’s what I focus on even though it means I don’t really draw elaborate backgrounds and such. I’m sure I could become better at other things if I tried, but I’m not a professional nor am I trying to be, so I just focus on what’s fun to me.

Putting the rest of this under a cut bc it's gonna be long

As for actual advice, I have three big rules which I think have helped me continue to enjoy drawing as long as I have, which is the most important thing to me. I started drawing as soon as I could hold a pencil, and it's been my main outlet for good and bad times throughout my whole life (I am 26 now). Other people liking what I draw is a treat, but as long as I have fun, that’s ultimately what matters to me. That said, please keep in mind I am speaking solely for myself here since everyone draws for different reasons and in different ways.

The first thing is avoiding perfectionism at all costs when drawing, because it sucks the fun out of the process and ruins the visual fluidity in whatever I’m working on. An example of this is that I don’t like to go back and revise lines I’ve already placed, because the more I try to polish them, the stiffer they look. Even in digital art I try to roll with mistakes instead of erasing, or just completely undo the line I placed and try again. 

The other thing is something I actually picked up from dog training which is arguably my biggest passion in life. There’s a common saying amongst dog trainers: No “one more time” — which essentially means that when find yourself thinking “one more time,” you need switch gears immediately and do something else because you have hit your frustration threshold and every attempt from then on will be frustrating & counterproductive for both you and the dog. 

This applies to pretty much every aspect of life for me, but it made a huuuge difference when I started to consider it within the context of drawing. If I just stop whatever I’m frustrated with and go back to it later, 99% of the time I can pinpoint exactly what bothered me and how I could have fixed it. I’m typically not the type to work on something over various sittings, so even if I don’t finish the picture I was working on after coming back to it, being able to pinpoint what went wrong about it is a lesson I can apply to whatever I work on next.

The third rule ties into the last one, which is just not pushing myself. If I’m not having fun with a drawing anymore, I’m not going to force it. If it’s not coming out the way I want it to, I’m not gonna push it. Any time I've pushed through frustration to finish something, I wound up disliking how it came out. This isn’t really realistic for someone who is a professional (or aiming to be), but for me who just likes drawing anime characters for fun, it’s perfect. Because of this, I haven’t dealt with constant art blocks like I used to. I definitely still have them, but they're usually brief and not distressing to me. I feel like I’ve kind of stagnated the past several years, but at the end of the day I have a blast when I draw and that’s all that matters to me!

There's a common sentiment that everybody hates/is embarrassed of the things they drew in the past or even right after finishing and/or posting them. But it doesn't have to be like that, and imo it shouldn't. I think that just means there are some things about one's process and mindset that need to be reflected on.

Hopefully that helps somewhat, but YMMV if your priorities are more in the vein of constant improvement and/or being a professional :] I know this was kind of an abstract response, so if anyone has specific questions feel free to ask lol

[atlanticsea]

Hey, I just took your soldier/poet/king quiz and wanted to let you know that every single question felt like a gut punch from an entirely new direction each time. So phenomenal job with that.

I also wanted to ask if you could give a breakdown on the soldier archetype like you did with the king archetype. I found the thought process behind the king archetype super interesting and would love to hear more.

Thank you so much! As for the Soldier breakdown, I’ll give the same disclaimer as I did for the recent King ask I got -- this is about the actual archetype I made, it may or may not apply to you, it’s not actually super personality based, it’s more of an interactive writing exercise, etc etc. Also, an added disclaimer: there is a lot of talk of anger with this archetype, and that’s because I based a lot of the archetype on myself, at a time when I was realising how much my PTSD affected my relationship to anger -- that’s fully a me thing, I kinda projected anger issues on a bunch of people, really sorry about that 😭

The core value the quiz is about is duty and how each archetype relates to it. The King accepts it reluctantly, the Poet rejects it, and the Soldier resents it: by that I mean that I envisioned the Soldier as someone who was given strict rules and used to follow them no matter what (and still might!), but no longer knows if they apply, or if they were ever good at all. I also wanted Soldiers to take a matter-of-fact approach to life, in between the King’s resignation and the Poet’s rebellion, an acceptance that life is what it is while still knowing that it is often hard. The song is like that: there will come a soldier who carries a mighty sword, he will tear your city down. The soldier has a sword, and he will use it. This may sound similar to Kings, in terms of being dealt a certain hand and accepting it, but Kings are to an extent motivated by a fear of failure and a sense of responsibility, whereas Soldiers aren’t. They accept that failure and pain are inevitable, that following rules is also inevitable, and their morals are much more self-imposed. However, this doesn’t mean they are hopeless or inherently cynical: the quiz also talks about love and healing, and Soldiers do want the fighting to stop. They do want peace. They do want acceptance. In terms of love (romantic or otherwise), I pictured Kings wanting to be loved without expectations (freedom), Soldiers wanting to be loved as they are and as they’ve been (acceptance), and Poets wanting to be loved and understood (companionship).

To be fully honest, as I’m writing this, I find Soldiers hard to define, probably because it was so based on myself and because I’ve changed a lot in the past two and a half ish years. I know a Soldier when I see one (I love assigning S/P/K to media trios) but struggle to explain their defining characteristics beyond the fact that they have known a battle (whatever it may be) and that it has not left them. I know this sounds like a PTSD diagnosis lmaooo I’m so sorry 😭 I hope this gives you an idea of my reasoning though, definitely ask me for clarification I know unfortunately that this specific archetype is a bit tougher to make sense of since a lot of it is me going “well you see it makes sense in my head” 😭