#plus on the stress thing i have really bad anxiety in general so like... i'm never going to speak good in my life it feels like

[sevenstevearmy]

... Guess who learned about cluttering and disorganized speech today... Guess who was struggling with those symptoms this whole time... Guess who has comorbid disorders... Guess who's not happy about learning new things about themself...

[lucy-the-demon]

The one thing i hate about the Stardew valley fandom is how a lot of people demonize mental health issues. Like, Being somebody with clinical depression, PTSD and autism it really upsets me when people are mean about Shane and Kent.

They treat Hailey like she's the perfect woman because she's mean then Treat Shane like the scum of the earth for being mean as well.

I have a caffine addiction, and while it's not as horrible as having an alcohol addiction it's still an addiction that im trying to overcome and i have depression as well. So seeing people treat Shane like that, plus calling him a liar when he's not 100% happy and sober all the time it really upsets me to see how he's treated, and i don't like him because I want to fix him, its just nice to see depression portrayed so realistically and to feel represented in media and i just want to be there for him. I can relate to him, and when people insult him and treat him like the bad guy for being mean and depressed and not 100% sober i feel like im doing something wrong and I'm a bad person for having depression and anxiety

And i have PTSD over very different things then kent, but I understand things that trigger memories to events, if I see the person who mistreated me in life or if somebody mentions middle school I get really upset and will go on a rant about it, when I get so upset I get angry im brought back to those horrible memories, and I understand why hes stressed over something that seems minimal to others And people are mean about him too, hes not a bad person he's just got PTSD and he doesn't know how to handle it. I feel bad for him when the community is mean to him over that cutscene.

and these are fictional characters it makes me scared how they would treat a real human being with similar issues, like me. I joke about if you hate these characters you should hate me too but like, it really pisses me off how this community treats mental illnesses And being somebody with these issues i really just want to spread awareness on how i personally feel when people say horrible things about these clearly mentally ill characters that have issues that real people have

Mental illness isn't black and white y'know, and if you think it is i think you might wanna get your eyes checked because you might just be completely colorblind, or blind in general. the actual mental toll it puts on real people to be represented by characters who's mental illnesses are portrayed very realistically only to be treated poorly by uneducated fans of the series/game/movie/ etc. It's very heartbreaking to me personally..

I just want fans of Stardew to be more mindful of characters like shane and Kent because there are real people like them that have the same issues as them. You don't have to like them just understand that real people have been through the same things they have and be respectful of that. i mean I don't like Harvey but I am respectful of people with anxiety, I have anxiety too. I think everyone does at this point.. but i would never undermine his anxiety or say he's a horrible person Because he's anxious that's a disgusting thing to imply and it should be the same way with characters like shane and Kent but it's not that way

The double standard with shane and hailey is an argument that may just involve sexism but that's an entirely different argument that i don't wanna get into rn, but just know, you don't necessarily have to be a nice person to be a good person, and vise versa.

Tldr: you guys need to stop saying Shane and kent are bad people for having mental illnesses, it's really gross and insulting to those with mental illnesses

[sk3tch404]

Yandere Shiva General Hcs (Record of Ragnarok)

A/n: Normal schnormal human reader. Shiva is a meanie but is very affectionate. I also have only watched the anime, so I'm only making bout 6-??? Assumptions and making the gods win bc eh plot reasons. Also platonic relationship with his wives ✌ 257 words I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS GOODBYE. Failing as a writer 💀

CW: Half-proof read (Yeah yoikes but this gets real long after rereading it a thousand times over) Kidnapping, forced affection, forced marriage, isolation, neglect, and Shiva being an arse-hole but a lover boy 🤦 (??? Weirdly enough)

I also just learned that the reason why Shivas first wife isn't known is bc Paravati is the reincarnation of Sati (Shivas first wife) after she died. So technically only 3 living wives in total. (Plz correct or educate me on Hinduism if you can!)

The more you know 💁🏻

Why he truly added you to his column of lovers is a question you may never have answered.

By the naked gods eye, you were nothing special really. Just another dead human in the heavens who is also spectating the final battles.

The afterlife isn't so bad once you've been in it for enough. Valhalla can be peaceful and honestly perfect at times when gods aren't feuding.

Once you heard the gods were holding an important final battle that would determine mankind's fate, it shocked you. Would that also determine human souls in Valhalla? What if the humans were to win? (As blasphemous as that sounded)

The ideal afterlife was supposed to be free of stress, anxiety, pain, emotional distress, and so on, but no. Of course it would never be like that. That's only wishful human thinking.

If there were no potential penalty for badmouthing high status idles, you'd say that the gods were worse than humans when it comes to ego.

Now, Shiva doesn't believe in love at first sight. The stories involving all four his wives have been a adventurous and treaded journey. He does not fall so quickly for such average beings.

But he's seen you before in the arena. Beyond the sea of humans, you stand with only yourself. You chose your seat in a secluded area and paid full attention.

As much as you seemed to isolate yourself from other souls, your eyes burn a similar passion for chaos and a strange fascination for the situation.

It caught him off guard for a second. Strange isn't it? Unlike all of these other ignorant ruffians, you enjoy a good lesson. You're not here just for the fighting and trembling anticipation that comes with the final results. You wanna observe things in educated fashion.

It's cute in a way. A lowly human soul so fixated on the final battle. If you get lucky, (his definition of lucky) he might recognize recognize you later.

Low and behold, he did. Your presence so quiet, yet so mesmerizing. Not interested in anything other than yourself and these sequence of events... How could you not be as entranced by him as he passes by? Yes a sparing surprised glance is earned, but you continue your path. How could he make you turn his way as he does for you?

Shiva will not take you so quickly. He does have a place in the arena, so he can't risk the chance of you not being in his 24/7 supervision for the first week or so. (Plus the soul threatening fight too but yk)

Though he will approach you! Somewhat teasing you in a way. Your fearful face and neck craned upwards while he is hovering over you excites Shiva. A burning dwells in his core, and you make him shiver.

It's only small talk and "hinting" at certain things to come, but it's not too forward.

"Hey, it's you! The lonely human! Yeah I know you. I could feel your eyes from across the arena y'know. For a weak soul, you really like this sort of thing huh?"

During his fight, not only did Rudra and the many people cheering for him motivate him to win, but also did your presence! The crowd is a blurry swarm of colors and movements alike, but he could practically feel your eyes on him.

He knew you couldn't stay away for long. I mean, how could you? Shiva is just perfect for you, and you've basically said you wanted to marry him based on your reaction to his fight.

While he takes his time healing his arms and various wounds, he keeps up with the battle scores and your whereabouts.

He's the god of destruction, and is very resourceful when he needs to be. His free time is filled with researching you on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and sometimes Saturday when his wives are busy.

By the time the gods win, Shiva has healed up pretty good thanks with the help of medical attention and the abilities of his wives.

He talks about you to his wives pretty often, and they don't mind. As long as it's what Shiva wants, then it's okay with them! Three of them has been okay so far, what's one more? The more to love right?

You're shocked with the results of the final battle. Of course this was the obvious end, but it was nice to have hope for humanity for once. People came together regardless of religion, and now all of living human kind is being erased

It seems the gods didn't care about human souls the had pre-existed in Valhalla, so you were safe for now.

Or so you thought.

You sat in your humble home, taking in the day you just had. The next thing you know, you're being forcefully taken out by a strong force.

Shiva tries to go easy on you, but you're just so damn cute, it kills him! He's super energetic and doting.

"Oh Y/n, you're so adorable. Ack, hey! Fightin now huh? I thought you saw my bout. What are you being stupid for?"

Marries you immediately. Only gives you the most enchanting and personal experience a soul could ask for.

The honeymoon is one like you've never experienced. Shiva has married four times. He knows how these things work. (Take that as you will, I don't write nsfw lmfaooo)

Shiva is painfully aware of how weak humans are compared to the average god, so he tries to not smother you too much. (AKA not smooching you once or twice every minute or so)

He really finds humans interesting, so he pokes and prods about in your personal space all the time. Privacy? Bodily autonomy? What's that?

Let's you roam free in his quarters but only let's you speak to his family and trusted ones. Rudra also finds this interesting. Shiva has fallen for a human soul? Now that's crazy talk!

Shiva would never want you to feel inferior to his wives just because they're powerful gods and you're not. You're his human. There's no one else who deserves you more than him!

But seriously, he loves learning about the ways of humans. The couple of humans who had attempted the final battle were spectacular and fought pretty damn hard, so he often wonders what others do.

"C'mon I know you're not that tired yet. The humans I've met have taken this kind of thing well before... What? Seriously can't keep up? *Sigh* Fine, get over here."

Things like modern technology isn't uncommon in Valhalla, so he'd most definitely want to know about your online life too.

Shiva is more of an active guy, so he isn't on his phone a lot. That doesn't mean he isn't inexperienced though.

He is also big on affectionate touch. Everywhere you go, he's holding some part of you. One arm around your waist and another on the top of your head.

Will MANHANDLE YOU like no tomorrow. Wherever he turns, you turn. Even when you're in the middle of reading something, or working on an arts and crafts project, he does not care. When he needs you, he will have you.

You're in front of something he needs to get to? Legit picks you up and places you aside. One the most embarrassing things to ever happen with him. You especially hate it when it's in front of his wives. They playfully laugh, giggle, and tease you for being so, as they say, cute.

They adore you. You're like another sibling to them. They also dote on you and have you help around a lot as it substitutes as hang outs.

They fight over you. A lot.

Durga is the one who takes you out a lot for physical activities. She is very ambitious and encouraging.

"Yeah, You finally got it Y/n! Whoo, you're badass compared to me."

Butters you up way too much despite the bold faced truth.

Unfortunately is the one who enforces Shiva's rules for you the hardest.

Kali is so charismatic and can be the most fun if you're rebellious. Despite her soft appearance, she is CHAOTIC. Although she stays loyal to Shiva, she doesn't mind breaking a few small rules here and there to have some fun.

She's the one who gets you in the most danger and trouble.

Shiva is VERY strict with you despite all of the freedoms he's allowed you. You're human, fragile mentally and physically. So when you are caught with Kali, he can't help but lecture the both of you.

Kali has been with him for a long time, so she takes the blame for herself. She knows she can persuade him if she tries hard enough.

Partavi is so kind and gentle. You two usually spend time inside and just casually hanging out. Cooking, learning about Hinduism, house keeping, keeping your mental and spiritual state in check, and all sorts of calming things.

Kali and Durga literally ought to tear each other apart when fighting for You attention. Partavi has to keep them in check so Shiva doesn't have to step in himself.

Complying with this new afterlife will grant you a very happy eternity and a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.

You're surrounded by riches and loving powerful gods who want nothing more than to see you joyful. Who wouldn't want that?

Well, not you... You've lived your life! Yeah it may have been cut off short by quite a bit, but all you want to do is to finally be at peace. That shit was way more than enough. You really did not need any more issues.

Being strangely unaffected by the wipe out of Earth's humanity was just the height of it, but being kidnapped by one of the succeeding gods of the final battle was plain horrifying.

Refusing Shiva's wives affections isn't too bad in itself, but moving away from him is unacceptable.

Keeping to yourself in their shared room, not speaking to any one of them, refusing to accept their gifts and invitations, not looking after your health, pushing Shiva away when he tries to get close, and worst of all, saying you wish to not be with him.

Shiva is an emotionally driven guy, so you disobeying only displeased him further. Punishment is in order no?

Shiva won't beat you into submission, but he will intimidate and deprive you. Since you want to be so ungrateful, then maybe you should be on your own for a while huh?

You're literally thrown into a cold room with no windows and are left there for who knows how long. No one to check on you. Nothing to hinder your obvious chosen solitude. No food. No water. No one to pity you. Just the thought of sun rising and setting outside of your silent enclosure.

You hate it. You thought being alone was in every way better than being with them, but you realize that you don't like being lonely.

You despise the churning acidic bubbling in your stomach. The way your chapped lips stick together. No matter the silks and fabrics in the room, you never feel quite warm enough yet.

By the time they finally open the door, letting light pour into your room once more, you're running into whoever's arms is there.

You want- no, you need to feel something. To know that you're free of that confinement. To be free of your one and only being. Shiva's familiar warm blood pulsing through his body confirmed it.

Shiva of course, is pleased by this development. Humans will fight like hell, but will succumb one way or another.

"You miss me that much Y/n? Finally learned your lesson? Hehaha, I knew you could do it."

But if you had tried to escape? Oh hoho you are in for one big ride.

Shiva is infuriated. His rage is unlike any other. When he is hit with a hard pang of anger, all sense disappear and the only thing he can think about is how terrible the heat of emotions feel.

He is only ever at your side, so you being able to slip away can be so very rare. You won't be roaming outside his territory for very long as it would only last a couple of moments.

Was the sunlight hitting your form willing for once worth it? Was the rushing adrenaline of possibly achieving personal autonomy again worth it? The gleeful smile and feeling of heavy panting as you ran out gave you a sick, twisted feeling pleasure.

As Shiva topples you to the ground, his weight and arms hit you like a truck. If you were still alive, you'd say your soul was knocked out of you.

Too infuriated to even speak of his disappointments, he dislocates your shoulder. Your scream of agony echos throughout the secluded area, but it doesn't reach anyone.

You're taken back in for a full nights punishment. What made you think you'd be able to outrun Shiva? A final battle champion. The god of destruction. One who destroys, creates and rebuilds the world anew again.

The most damage you'll receive is some fractured bones, but nothing too bad. None of your skeletal structure is sticking out, but you can sure as hell feel the shattering.

You are of course treated. Shiva feels little sympathy for your injuries, but he does pity that sad pout you adorn in your medical clothing.

"Sorry Y/n. I was only trying to protect you, but it seemed like you couldn't understand that. I still love you so very much, so please forgive me."

This guy is the ultimate love bomber smh

Paravati, Kali and Durga don't like when you get so harshly punished like that, but they know it's what must be done.

If you ever actually get out for longer than expected, (which is mighty fucking impressive) those three will be on the hunt for you with no stop until you are found again.

And even if you had somehow gotten away, where would you go in Valhalla? God, you can't go to Zeus for help. He would laugh in your face and hand you off to Shiva like every other "lost belonging". Any other god would do the same.

Maybe Buddha could help? Then again, just because he fought for humanity doesn't mean he's your friend. Especially because it would be him against another god.

You can't return to your old home. It's where they had taken you from in the first place.

Other godly territory can be scary. Many myths and legends you might not know of, lowly salty gods may attack you, the social separation between humans and gods, and not to mention the people who inhabit the land there themselves.

Shiva would probably put a missing souls report out there for bounty if he had gotten desperate anyway.

So perhaps it's best to just, leave things as they are. Just to avoid trouble you know? Yeah, trouble.

[failing-to-write-again]

Does anyone else have vastly different appearances in their head for you in the different routes? Like I day dream a lot, like a lot a lot it's why I post sometimes it's when the fear overrides the need to word vomit.

TW: mentions of abuse, depression and just general fucked up. It's the diaboys there's only so much you can avoid mentioning

Ok so I'm gonna write out a brief description of what always stays the same in these day dreams. I play around with them being human or something else, normal or like assassin's or stuff like that. But there's a few things that generally stay the same. They're all Afab, with she/her pronouns just because I create women a lot in my head but you could easily gender swap them as I'm focusing on personality and general vibe the appearance I describe I think is easily able to fit on different genders or have a same vibe equivalent.

Shu

I've always felt Shu would match well with someone who deals with depression or anxiety, more so less severe cases as two sleep all the time to avoid having to face life people do not make healthy relationships. But someone who has some degree of understanding while also having a better hold of themselves as humans are getting better at learning how to help manage depression. Shu is old and I'm pretty sure he's not bothered to learn much about the modern world aside from sleep/comfort, music (that's a stretch mp3s are not used as much as phones also that bitch would absolutely be a waterproof wireless earphone hoe), and probably porn.

I think a natural leader type person would also suit. I know in theory it sounds antithetical to the s/o with depression but hear me out. I deal with depression but also due to my own personality step into organized positions as I want things done to avoid stress. I really see an oldest sister would match him as it's someone modeling behaviors that to the best of my knowledge Shu was never against having. It was Reiji rejecting him and the triplets being kept away from him that prevented that dynamic setting itself up. I really think if an s/o could get Shu to work on himself he would be trying to be more brotherly. I think out of all the brothers Shu and Subaru are very likely to have a happier relationship with everyone. But they don't have the tools and are too stepped in their ways to navigate without help.

I think they would have to meet in school or something outside of being a sacrificial bride, maybe an actual exchange student with strict instructions of no harm coming to them. Diaboys set up a pretty unhealthy dynamic and since they go cruelty first, then fuck up so bad then realize they're in love that the types that would benefit them "best" would be gone or killed already.

Someone with a good sense or sarcasm would be great for Shu too. Couples who laugh together stay together. Plus a match for teasing would probably be something that leaves a grin on his face all day long.

Shu: "You should really wear a longer skirt in school, or do you want me to look up your skirt as you walk past. Heh, lewd woman"

S/o: [as they walk past] "Why risk breaking uniform code when I can just wear nice underwear under it instead, then I get two benefits"

S/o: [stopping just before turning down a corridor] "There's no rant from Reiji for breaking code and you end up showing off how desperate you are. Lewd man~"

Shu: [in love]

I don't think any super genius level of intelligence is needed but someone with a rounded view on things and a someone who is at least vaguely informed about what they talk about would be good. It avoids the annoyance of someone dense but also isn't so book focused it reminds him of Reiji.

Reiji

Speaking of the spectacled suitor. S/o has gotta be smart in some capacity not necessarily an encyclopedia but maybe good at Chemistry/Biology, or a good strategist. Bitch aims to be a control freak and a future king or, route depending, advisor to the King, so battle tactics would be attractive.

He'd be into the type of woman who doesn't overtly dress sexually. Pencil skirt or pants and blouse with some heels are a great look and can be sexual when you want to be sexual but also just well put together when you aren't looking to get railed on a desk. Except, of course, for when he decides to get handsy he realizes you decided to forgo any underwear.

Nipple piercings. He's definitely into them you can't fool me it's all that hidden succubus energy he finds attractive in a partner.

Past that he wants someone who isn't going to stress him out, someone to be a voice of reason, and someone to relax with.

I think someone chatty could be either great or awful for him. On the one hand he seems so adjusted to over stimulation true silence may unsettle him but at the same time it may annoy him if he isn't interested in conversation. Same for the other side of the coin, someone too quiet would unsettle him cause he won't know what your thinking, but at the same time it might be nice to sit in silence and read.

I've always thought Reiji would want someone tall like 5'10-6'00 as they can't be taller then him because inferiority complex, but I firmly believe he's got a back that is prone to aches already so not having to bend far for kisses or hugs would be nice. Or better yet someone shorter than him but still tall for a woman, so wearing heels gets here to be like 5'11" to 6ft.

Reiji does like humor and spontaneity sometimes. I think a stiff lover would drain him, nobody wants to actually date themselves. Again the older sister type (stereotype I know) would suit, as generally older sisters are pushed to mature fast like he was, except generally it's not as severe as him and older sisters are statistically the most likely to have read about or been to therapy to undo some of the behaviors that aren't as healthy.

[Loud music or something playing]

Reiji: [going to stand up] I swear can nobody keep order in this house...

S/o: [Gently touches his hand] They've yet to make a crash and it's coming from Ayato's room. I say we turn on the record player to drown it out for now. It's not your job to be their dad Sweetness, and all your doing is giving yourself grey hairs

Reiji: [sitting back down] I suppose I could finish this chapter-

[CRASH]

S/o: [quickly stands up and starts to walk to the door, lots of heel clicking] I swear that boy has to ruin every quiet moment I can grasp for us. Wait there.

Reiji: [feels very loved for and is confused as to why that gave him a boner]

I don't think he'd enjoy a dom much but a switch who prefers to sub but isn't against them taking a more gentle lead (not the kinky shit he's into I don't think you'd actually get a whip near him in a healthy relationship).

Ayato

This bitch is tricky. Like I think with the except of Subaru the Sakamakis get worse the younger they are. I feel that's why the triplets never appealed to me they seemed harder to redeem. I could see Shu, Reiji, or Subaru potentially getting better with Reiji least likely but the triplets are... messy.

That being said I think Ayato is definitely going to have to be a least a little bit on the road to being more balanced by the time he meets this s/o.

An s/o who is modern would definitely appeal in my opinion. Video games, outfits, music all that good culture stuff that Ayato is a spectator not a player in right now. He is still old as shit and he hasn't got non...any friends so he doesn't have a lens to learn the culture, all he can do is watch.

Ayato is one of the highest sex driven characters in the games (he sleeps with Yui the most because it uses the underwear sprite almost every time they sleep together indicating it ain't just dreaming happening) I think that may be part possessive part teenage boy. So someone with an interest in partaking is probably important for drive balance. To be clear I don't necessarily mean sexy here, more so that giddy first time giggles type person. Someone who's excited to experience things with him.

That extends past the bedroom too Ayato was starved for activity as a child and is still as a teen so someone who knows what's fun and is happy to take him there is like perfect.

I do think Ayato's s/o will need to be a patient person as I feel Ayato going through therapy would mean a lot of breakdowns or tension in him that could lead to more arguments than potentially needed if they ain't a little patient for the smaller things. There is a difference between 'he demanded I make him Takoyaki then sulked when I reminded him we're equals in this partnership so I'll avoid escalating ' vs 'he has bitten me for talking to a guy, but to him that's just a display of love.' The second thing deserved a conversation then and there you don't avoid rocking the boat when it comes to dangerous behaviors folks.

[See Ayato with a hairbrush sitting cross legged with S/O in his lap] Ayato: So we don't like Jacob...

S/O: Well, Edward isn't exactly a catch himself but like c'mon he imprinted on a baby. Ayato: Beatrix and him were engaged from birth. S/O: Exactly.

Laito

Oh boy. Again needs to be starting therapy or unraveling what his mum did to him and what his culture has shaped him to be first.

Once done however I think Laito would want someone "normal." No baggage, or crazy lifestyle, or wacky habits. I think he craves something calm when everything has been so disordered growing up. I think it's why he likes crosswords, they're a weirdly normal thing in his weird world.

I think he needs someone with a lower sex drive then he displays in the games. A not uncommon trauma response from childhood sexual assault is hyper sexuality which seems to be why Laito is hyper sexual. I don't think that's him as a person, Shu would be high sex drive in how he talks but Laito seems very much to be shielding himself with sex not having sex for sex.

So yeah someone who isn't always in the mood, maybe they sleep naked but just because they want skin on skin contact. Maybe it's to feel his breathing better. But that sort of environment. Where the thing he's over sexualized: himself and women, become less sexual more intimate. He'll be thrown a bit at first 100%. But I think after cuddling while having his hair gentle played with or a shoulder rub he'll be welcoming this new part bodily expression.

Laito is smart, smarter than he gets credit for he's a manipulator with charisma to boot and I've tried a crossword they use a certain part of your brain that I do not use. I think he'd like someone who's not too dense but also I feel like he won't mind too much so long as they could hold conversation and read sarcasm.

He also would probably love a more modern s/o like Ayato. Imagine the shopping sprees!

S/O: [coming out of changing room] I'm really not sure about this dress on me Laito: It's the shade it clashes with your undertones, try it in a different colour. S/O: They don't have it in my size, that sucks. Laito: Why? fufu~ It's Chanel, she was a vampire just take a picture and I'll get the designer over to make you one tailored made. S/O: Are you sure? I don't know how close I want you being stuck to your dad, and all the weirdness you've mentioned. Laito: Oh please, as if he's bothered enough about the fourth in line.

Kanato

This one's hard man. Kanato, Ruki, Kou, and Azusa are some of the hardest to envision in a healthy spot tbh. So this Kanato is very ooc. Think: isn't talking to teddy even if he still carries it, has a better hold on his temper, isn't trying to kill you constantly... basically just not Kanato.

A baker or a cook would absolutely appeal, dates where they show him how to cook new treats could be fun. Also top tier tea parties man.

Potentially a singer, musician, or dancer could appeal as well with the shared interest of singing being there. If the jealousy Kanato has gets weakened a bit I think that could help him get past his "I sing cuze mum liked it" thing.

I also truly think Kanato is like Laito in wanting something normal after all the abnormal he's lived through.

sorry he's so short I seriously don't know what to write. I also do not want to curse you all with mega ooc Kanato discussion

Subaru

Subaru is by far the closest to being the same amount of traumatized some people I've met irl are. Issues still there with the whole punching walls in anger but the fact he seems to punch walls to avoid hurting people implies he is trying to work on himself but doesn't know how.

Subaru could meet his s/o as a sacrificial bride and I think he's the only one who could. If I remember his route correctly, he isn't nearly as sadistic in the reasoning for his biting, hes also like what 15, 16 looking? He is modelling the only behavior he's seen, and while that doesn't make it right it is less heinous than the others.

I feel the most profound importance for this relationship is someone who will not shout, someone with a healthy enough up bringing to view arguments as Subaru approaches them as entirely useless. He will probably still have tantrums at first but having someone entirely unwilling to let communication break down on their end will push Subaru to do the same.

Subaru also does not seem to actually want much at all. He just wants a break, poor thing. If the S/O were to be a sacrificial bride, I think he'd be the one to pull a run away. I don't see Karl caring much here, Subaru is just a consequence of his vile habits as far as Karl is concerned.

From there I do think it's just a normal therapist and probably turning the S/O to a vampire.

[S/O and Subaru in some nice meadow resting on a blanket by a stream. Think flowers everywhere under a gently warm sun.] S/O: I've successfully lasted a week without accidentally breaking anything! Subaru: HAHA! Well done but don't go expecting any prizes I could do that shit. S/O: Fair, your 3 year pin is coming up to. We should probably do something for it. Subaru: Well... there is one thing... [getting up to one knee]

Ruki

oh look what we have here. An endgelord.

Seriously Ruki infuriates me from a character point at times. They are meant to be somewhat foils to the Sakamakis, and for Ruki in particular his behavior is a mirror to Reiji and his ego is closer to Ayato but with Reiji type mannerisms.

So he likes reading, came from nobility but saw the absolute worse of humanity to then re-find a reason to care for others with his brothers. Ok cool, then he dies in an attempt to escape to then have Karl take pity on him and revive him as his subordinate. SO WHY DOES HE HATE POOR PEOPLE!?

Like whenever I sit down to think about it Ruki's sheer cruelty lines up with nothing other than abused children turn into abusers which is a dog-shit and wrong opinion. Like he doesn't have to be pally, he can be a kuudere, he can be jaded. But having him be so sadistic just makes him what he hated, a spoiled rich man taking joy in using his power over others.

But this is about suited partners. So for this fucker I prescribe what he wishes he was. Now this is the material worth much more work and maybe it will get that, I am currently uncertain.

So, let's be real that orphanage still existed after the Mukamis. So my little world I've made with all that maladaptive day dreaming I do. In that world just to show Ruki as not as above everyone as he thinks, his soulmate type S/O as well as some if not all the other S/Os were there either at the same time or sequentially. Ruki got his escape plan from the work of a girl he viewed as too stupid to pull it off, aka S/O. When the boys escape obviously torture happens to see if anyone knows anything, and the boys failed the escape. This is used by the S/O to advise her sisters to change course slightly.

They do escape and Karl realizes very quickly he got the less advantageous group in terms of strategy. He would more than likely approach these girls, maybe they stay human for quite a while but eventually do need to be turned for the pure sake of time.

So Ruki gets introduce when he comes to visit Karl to update on the whole Eve thing only to see S/O. Standing there talking with Karl as if you're equals as he's laughing at some comment. Karl introducing them as his right hand man so to speak. Seeing that you get to live with Karl and you glaring.

After some prodding due to jealousy causing him to take out his insecurities on you in the form of unwanted commentary, you snap. You openly call him out on his failings, how you are what he wishes he was and how you don't masquerade as the same tormentors that made both your childhoods hell.

Eventually (I'm not giving a whole slow burn fic away for free people), he gets whipped something bad. Having to face the fact that he is exactly what he judges in humans so much. I don't imagine many would forgive him, hence why S/O to me cannot be anyone other than such a strong person to have survived and still be so openly kind.

No dialogue here so I can pretend these all got fair treatment.

Yuma

So big boy farmer. His sadism doesn't fully track with me same as Ruki but Yuma has more redeeming character traits that offset the cruelty. He also seems to truly only carry out the Eden project due to loyalty to Karl, he is a fiercely loyal person.

As said for Ruki I love the idea of the Mukami S/Os being sisters from the orphanage. Yumas S/O would probably also have a strong sense of loyalty to Ruki's S/O. The main exception being her loyalty to Karl does not cause her to be in any way sadistic. While Karl is fully ready to drop kick a child the S/O does not see that behavior appropriate at all regardless of her vampire-ism.

Having to deal with pining for a girl who will not date him as he currently treats women may cause him to change for the sake of placating her sure. But once identities are revealed and Yuma learns that the reason the S/O is so anti-cruelty is due to the orphanage I think Yuma would be one of the ones more open to change. Like Ruki, the reflection isn't so nice once the glass was polished.

He just wants a farm and probably kids or dogs lets be real here.

Kou

Once again an edgelord. Who doesn't at all understand give and take as much as he harps on about it. I may have low enough standards to crush on these boys but a hypocrite is TOO LOW.

I'm sounding like a broken record here but a fellow orphan escapee S/O as the vector for Kou getting called out on his bs is great.

Also full on enemies to lovers vibes. One little head canon is what if the S/O at the request of Karl gave up an eye, the eye then enchanted for Kou. Having to stand across from someone who will not buy the excuse of his trauma being an acceptable reason to harm others. Because you lived through it all, if not worse and still gave up an eye free of charge because Karl had this protegee who was so sad about not having two eyes.

I think Kou's love would not start until near a century after. Having to see you again and again after the introduction, seeing how you and your sister's are Karl's jewels as you are so effective because of your humanity. He's prone to envy let's be frank.

But once he opens up to the fact he could change and be like you, maybe after having to work with you, he begins to warm up to it all.

Azusa

Azusa is one like Kanato that I am unsure if I know how to treat.

The love of pain of his would put so much emotional labor on an S/O that just isn't fair. The only relationship I would feel comfortable writing on would be a post therapy and self work Azusa who doesn't make masochism his main personality trait.

He is gentle in disposition so a gentle S/O would match well. Or maybe an extroverted S/O to bring him out his shell a bit, post masochism recovery.

Yeah if any Azusa fans read this and have ideas please write you own and sent it to me I am really curious of seeing this from the perspective on someone who has a connection to him.

[foster-the-world]

Anyone?

Anyone use CBD oil or gummy edibles, etc to help take the edge off? My kids are really loud, my house is an ever evolving mess and I just generally feel tense a lot more than I want to. (Insert part about being very lucky to have a lot of support, privilege to pay for sitters, etc, etc here. Also insert here another part about how lucky we are to have three healthy/happy kids, etc,etc).

I def don't want to present as any different to my kids. Just want something to help me chill- to help things roll off my back more. I don't have anxiety for the most part. Just feeling kind of stressed + tense a lot more then I like. Baby boy's baseline is very loud then the girls step up the volume to compete. The nonstoppedness of children is getting to me.

I'm awake a lot at night worrying about baby boy and his needs. So that doesn't help.

I haven't historically enjoyed smoking weed. Or really had much of a buzz from it. I like alcohol but don't want to drink more than one cocktail in front of my kids. Plus, two drinks nowadays gives me a hangover.

Not really sure what I would even take to help.

Unsure how bad it sounds that I need something to spend time with my kids. For the record I love them more then anything. They are perfect in every way. And also a lot, at least for me at this stage.

It doesn't help that I got in a screaming match with some teenagers yesterday after one of them yelled at baby boy. And that happened as I was walking him to urgent care ($100) to get him steroids for the cough/asthma that's had us out of the park for three weeks. Which amp's up his already poor behavior.

Vacation is in a week - which is always when I'm at my best. It's the only time I don't constantly have a list of one million things I need to do, meals I need to cook, etc.

[gunsli-01]

Hey, personal life update.

Yeah so I started to get to know this person from a fandom if you follow my sideblog you know which one. Ultimately this person and their significant others consistent mistreatment of me made me hate myself talking about milgram or doing anything. I was consistently stressed and anxious around them and in a state of hypervigilence/anxiety for several months. It wasn't just due to these two though. I also had issues in real life before getting involved with this fandom.

That friends know about already and can be picked up on from the ways I discuss media generally. Along with my general concerns when it comes to fandom. However, these people's just overall hopeless and ableist dsposition really only made my situation worse. As one would weaponize or site everyones diagnoses as reasons for their inability to do anything right. In a way that implied to me that nothing could be done about it because, well, you've got x, so it's better to not even try.

Came off as really just accept you're not capable of x because you're y. The other was just a conflict avoidant individual who ghosted me multiple times and left their significant other to speak on their behalf. Who told me and Star to just not talk to them. So that's what Star and I decided to do earlier this week. So why am I saying this. I'm not one to really regret my behavior and in hindsight considering all the personal shit I was going through I can understand why I was being so defensive and antsy about talking about or even doing anything I enjoyed.

Because it wasn't just fandom stuff, I really wasn't enjoying doing anything. Because I didn't know when or how this person would pop up or if things were fine when they'd just go to being shitty again. I do want to note this as a reminder to myself as what not to do in the future. While working out what caused it.

Honestly, the environment was bad, and the only thing I could do was try to get through it. I had no motivation to continue personal projects or share them. This impacted the idea to make videos out of theories, and I generally had no interest in doing anything. Plus, I was very actively suicidal for all those months. However, since having a more open discussion with Star and her looking over the ways these individuals treated me then going oh yeah that's fucking abusive block them.

I really felt unwelcome and at times downright harrassed in the fandom I was involved with. I was incredibly isolated, and whenever I wrote something on the thing, I was made to feel like I was committing a crime. These two didn't say things that made me feel like that, but their actions did things that made me feel worse. So, just noting as a fully grown adult with a good support system how fucking harmful, isolating, and demeaning people online can be. Along with the longterm and unseen impact it can have on a person.

Along with her helping me go through the process of cutting them off. I've been feeling optimistic about talking with others about the things I love and setting boundaries or stating how I would like to be treated. Something I was anxious about doing for a time because when I would state those things, it'd either go ignored or they'd seemingly actively do what I asked them not to in order to test my feelings for them.

I recognize this may just be how I feel about this or perceived it to be. Which is fine they could have a completely different perception. Yet it doesn't change the fact that their actions hurt me regardless of their intent. And I don't need an apology because the best apology to myself is not constantly feeling on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop or to hear what I did wrong this time. And instead like talk about shit I like with people who don't treat me like trash because they don't know how to not do that.

But yeah, this treatment impacted how I responded to certain events in fandom and my lack of patience with others exhibiting the same behavior in a space I was trying to relax in. Honestly, I did my best in the circumstances I was in, which was under consistent immense stress. So, I'm proud of myself there. I guess I'm just disappointed that people really can just say I love you and treat you like shit. Actively watch how their behavior impacts you and basically celebrate that you're hurting because at least you're hurting together.

Some people really are just assholes to themselves and then perpetuate that treatment on anyone else they happen to run into. Sucks but I'm feeling better.

[battlemaiden13]

So sorry if this has already been asked, i'm only a few asks into MList 4 ;vv; but I had to get this out of my brain.

What if the skeleguys pets or their siblings pet(especially those who have a service animal), started trying to alert his SO ? Like just general pawing, nudging hand, trying climb into their lap or get their attention. Sometimes they make noises- like just general signs of " yo, take a break. Check yourself." The SO doesn't know whats wrong though and is confused. They listen to the pet and allow them to do their thing - however the pet tries to help. Maybe if they both decided to shrug it off, and he comes back later to see SO napping or just really mellowed out compared to normal with the Animal on them.

After a bit of confusion and checking they found out SO has general anxiety. (Nothing particularly triggering, just medical stuff) and SO's response is "oh... its not normal to feel that way?" Turns out, SO tells their bonefriend, they have felt that way (panicky and nervous) for literal years and thought thats just how life was lol. They just learned to suppress it.

Thank you so much for your time, I am loving your blog! (And sorry for the like spam ;-; i tend to get fixated on things)

-🦈☁️ anon

So currently Dog, owned by Sans and Papyrus, is the only service animal (not that the other skeletons don’t need or use Dog) but for the sake of this ask we’re going to pretend all of the skeletons own at least one service animal. 

Sans - Honestly not surprised you thought it was normal. He didn’t think much about his own anxiety until they got Dog either. He’s glad you’ve figured it out now though and he, Dog and Papyrus will all be here to help manage your anxiety going forward.  

Papyrus -He was wondering why Dog seemed less lazy then normal although he can’t say he’s happy to hear you’ve felt bad since forever. On the plus side Papyrus already knows a heap of ways to help with anxiety since he researched it for Sans and He’s a lot of help. 

Red - He can’t help but laugh at your response. Of course normal people aren’t going around panicking all the time. He has high anxiety all of the time so although he can relate he might not be able to help a lot here but he is very supportive . The two of you talk about it a lot and discuss what each of you can do to make things easier. His service animal is basically shared between the two of you although you try not to distract the poor animal. 

Edge - He’s honestly relieved to hear it’s just general anxiety. They have the animal for Red who is all kinds of messed up so yours is basically nothing in comparison. That doesn’t mean Edge isn’t going to take this extremely seriously. The two of you are going to learn together exactly what to do to help keep you calm. 

Blue - He’s fretting over you know but in the most reassuring and positive way ever. It is so clear he cares a lot for you and Blue is extremely good at helping you manage your anxiety. Even if Blue doesn’t see an anxiety attack coming he is always prepared with things to help calm you down, whether that's a fidget or just a good distraction. 

Orange -Well now that he knows you have anxiety he knows what to look out for. Orange is very observant and can see when you are beginning to get a tad overwhelmed, he also knows exactly how to calm you down and prevent a full on attack. You have never felt so relieved. Orange is just happy he and his dog could help you. 

Berry -It stresses him out. He is the one who has the service animal, not Syrup so having them alert to you makes Berry feel like he might have done something wrong or messed you up in some way before the two of you get an explanation. Berry tries to help you with your anxiety as best he can but sometimes he feels like he falls short. 

Syrup -He is very patient and understanding. The two of you learn about your mild anxiety together and how to help you with it. Syrup knows all your triggers and is super supportive. Whatever you need he will help you with and he is more than happy to do so. 

[pokemon-ash-aus]

I won't lie I actually kind of based Peachs social anxiety being out and about worried about people judging her and things potentially going wrong (like anxiety of the plush head popping off to embarrass her or it actually having a hidden squeaker and anxiety brr of I talked out of script fuck did I do it wrong) and it being too loud on myself XD I was like logically this would be stressful for anyone especially someone pretending to be a human who's never done this before, and I'll just sprinkle in a lil autism on top of that anxiety from myself as a treat XD

The info dumping was what I stole/remembered from your canon and how you said she loves to talk biology because she's learnt all about it

As for the overstim involving people's thoughts being way too loud I figured despite being a psychic type there's gonna be some people who's brains scream so loud it gets past any mental fortitude to block out the usual white noise of other people's thoughts, took inspiration from old mind reader ocs because without proper training them bitches struggle and like I'm sure it's the same for any powerful psychic type the struggle of other thoughts intruding upon your mind

Plus my brain was also like psychic types do be autistic coded so there's that lmao lots of inspirations but I am glad I wrote her correctly! I figured since she was anxious and probably also trying to start a new chapter of her life she'd be a bit less put off and a little more open to trying to talk to people hence her deciding to let this other person sit with her because you know what gotta start somewhere and then being awkward and unsure about it after cause ah I have done a social interaction, now what. Cause I know generally Peach doesn't really like people off the bat so Peach got a little tryna be spontaneous then what the fuck why was a spontaneous anxiety as a treat

Yee!!!

It does help that she can just know if the person has bad intentions by skimming their thoughts

[calextheneko]

Upcoming Birthday and Life Update

So first up, my birthday is coming up, and I've set up a Throne wish list for those who want to do presents. But also, I just appreciate the thought, so don't feel you're obligated. Just stopping by to say Happy Birthday on the day it comes is enough for me to get warm fuzzies. But for those who want to do presents, know I am exceptionally grateful and here is the link https://throne.com/calextheneko Now writing status. Headaches aren't as intense lately but they're still omnipresent and I've gotten a lot of really bad pain spikes. In addition I can't seem to take my ADD medicine without hurting my throat and risking higher pain spikes... So not doing well. I've been working on the current story for Switch City for over two months now and progress is slow. That one is a Patreon exclusive so will only be available on Patreon for $1 and up supporters when it does come out. After that will try to get some of the stories that are done edited so they can be uploaded to all galleries. Patreon is frozen again due to not making enough progress to justify having it open, especially since each month adds a bunch of things to my queue. I need to make sure I can get my queue reliably smaller each month before I open it back up. If anyone wants to provide general support for my writing while Patreon is paused you can use Ko-Fi. As well as could also use that for giving my birthday spending money too. Again, never required, and I will survive without it, but the option is there and I'm always very thankful. Here's the KoFi link https://ko-fi.com/calextheneko Anyway, you have all been more patient than I could ever have had the right to request. And I thank you. Health issues suck. Kids, don't get old. It's not great. Seeing neurologist this week and likely going on shots again. While no specific treatment has worked so far, a lot have caused improvements but not gotten rid of the daily migraines. So, we're hoping if we combine some things that address different causes it might finally do the job. There's some kind of pinched nerve in the back of my head, plus genetic disposition for frequent migraines (and had them all my life just didn't use to be every single day) and stress/anxiety cause of my dumb autistic traumatized brain and some other things I don't fully understand but yeah it seems like all of it just wound up being too much and exploded my two or three times a month migraines to every single zod danged day without exception. I really hope this new change in medications coming up later this week fixes it and lets me finally get back to doing what I love. Because a kitten who doesn't get to stretch his creative muscles is a very sad kitten. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this and check up on me. It's not all doom and gloom. My cats like to keep my company on days I'm stuck in bed hiding, and they're very sweet helping to keep my mood lifted... And steal my food... And defile my water glass. Cause... You know. Cats. XD

[quintinh43]

Hi love! So I have a question… what helps you and writing your fics. I’ve been wanting to post something’s I’ve wrote, but to me they aren’t really that good, so I’m just wondering what are like your inspirations when writing because yours is so so beautiful

Hi loveee, thank you for the compliment it really warms my heart 🫶🏼🫶🏼

Ok, so the first thing I have to say is, honestly, I write for myself most of the time! For me, writing is stress relief cause I get to escape into my own little world of my creation.

That being said, I started sharing my writing because I felt it would help me improve. I can't even tell you how stressed/embarrassed I was with the first Quinn fic I posted on tumblr, even though I have been writing and posting fan fiction for yearsssss. It's pretty daunting to try something new and sometimes you just gotta close your eyes and jump.

My main thing was, it's ok if I think it's bad, I know I'll get more comfortable eventually.

With all of that in mind, here are some things I do to help me get into the flow of writing or help when I'm stuck on a scene etc. And just help me in general!

1. I need background noise!! This is different for everyone, but for me, I like background noise. If you haven't tried it, I would definitely recommend trying it, again it is different for everyone. I usually listen to instrumentals, or I'm watching Brooklyn 99 in the background. Idk why, but for some reason, Brooklyn 99 really turns my writing brain on! Maybe try a show/movie that is familiar to you!

2. I write on my phone! Everything gets written in my notes app, and when I'm done or close to done, I will copy past everything into an actual doc and then edit it on my laptop. I find that writing on my phone is less stressful. Maybe I'm traumatized from uni, but writing on my laptop just feels like a chore. Plus, if you write on your phone as soon as inspiration hits, you can write! You don't have to wait for an opportunity to get out your laptop and yadda yadda.

3. When I'm frustrated with my writing, I leave it for a little while and then come back later. In between, I'll try to look at writing prompts/scenarios on pinterest/tumblr and just think about how I would write them.

4. Write how you are comfortable! I'm big on metaphors, similes, and like flowery figurative language, so that's usually how I try to write. Another big thing for me is I want to feel when I'm reading, so I try to write in a way that mimics feeling. For example, if you're writing a scene where you wanna portray anxiety I find that in real life. When I'm anxious, my thoughts feel rapid and stunted. So I'll write short, choppy sentences. Or when I'm trying to portray the feeling of love, I'll write longer, softer, sentences, cause to me the feeling of love is something that you want to keep around.

5. Another thing I like to do, is I try not to mention something if it isn't gonna be useful/have a purpose. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I love throwing in those useless spare details cause I think they elevate the story. But when I used to write, I used to be super detailed about everything, and I found that it was a drag to read.

6. I'm not a big planner, I feel like planning limits me. Sometimes, I'll jot down a few bullet points of what I know I want to see, but other than that, I don't really plan. I also don't really write in a liner fashion. Sometimes, I'll start writing in the middle of a scene because that's what I'm most inspired to write, and then I'll go back and connect the beginning and such.

7. Don't delete your writing!! If you've written a scene and you don't like it anymore and think it doesn't fit, or it doesn't flow, font delete it! Copy paste it into an empty note/doc and then you can delete it from your main piece. I find that keeping my "bad writing" helps me grow. Plus sometimes I'll come back and use the scene later, or I'm a different fic! You never know.

8. Don't be afraid to take inspiration from your favorite writers! If you like the way someone writes descriptions, feelings, or something, try to reflect that in your own writing! Doing that really helped me to develop and flourish my own writing style!

All of that said, you know yourself best, and at the end of the day do what works for you. I hope this helped a least a little, and if you ever wanna hop in my messages and talk more I would be so so so honored 🫶🏼

And last but not least, I had to save my best writing tip for the end!

Write on the toilet - idk, but as soon as I'm on the toilet, all the ideas come flooding to my brain, and I literally can't stop writing. Judge me if you will, but hey, it works.

[eternalwritess]

Hi! If they're still open I was wondering if I could have a romantic hazbin hotel match up? If not, no worries, just ignore.... I don't do this a lot so I'm kinda nervous....

Im Demisexual, and heterosexual. I go by she/her. My zodiac sign is Cancer

Im really closed off when you first meet me but when you get to know me I'm really outgoing and wierd.....

I like collecting things that I have no actual use for. Like pop tabs, or funko pops. I've also been wanting to collect more rubber ducks ever since I've seen the show (blame the king of hell). Before I even knew what the show was I already had like 4 rubber ducks. For absolutely no reason. However, I love cats, they're my favorite animals. I have tons of cat related things it's getting out of hand.

Generally I'm a very emotional person. It takes a lot for me to act the way I do in public and by the time I get home I get really tired.... Im pretty depressed most of the time, which doesn't help with anything when I have small collections because I don't clean up right away due to lack of energy.

I love all types of music, and have been a singer since I was a kid. I went through 7 years of choir, and only a year of music lessons on the side. I'm currently going to college for a fine arts major and I enjoy drawing a lot. I also make jewelry and tend to give the things I make to people as presents for holidays or just for fun.

My sleep schedule is complete shit and I'm tired a lot. I have major anxiety so when I get too tired or depressed to do anything my brain yells at me. It's so fun...

Thats all I can think of with this....

Again, if you're not doing these anymore just ignore! Don't stress yourself out too much...

𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕓𝕖����𝕟 𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕕 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙…

𝓢𝓲𝓻 𝓟𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓾𝓼!

Your first meeting with him was most likely at the hazbin hotel! Not on purpose you might've gotten lost and he noticed and started trying to help you

Turns out you didn't really know where you were going since you were a new arrival in hell! So you ended up staying at the hazbin hotel!

You would start collecting random things every now and then around the hotel like your funko pops or some ducks that you found laying around outside Charlie's room and he would notice and give them to you whenever he would find some more

This would start a conversation between you two

"I found sssome more to add to your collection dear!"

He was most likely very shy at first but soon started to man up and began giving you more and more things. He's a huge gift giver so that's also a plus

He'll end up most likely collecting things with you and you both might even end up starting up a collection together!

You and him love cats (just look at him and keekee :) )

You both get along with keekee a lot and play with her and sometimes go out with her when Charlie is too busy to do so and Vaggie can't

You both are some of her favorite residents at the hotel :)

You most likely have a few photos with just you, him and keekee saved on your phone or in your room. (Charlie has one with the three on you in the lobby just because she thought it was adorable)

"Isssn't that jussst a lovely picture of usss!"

He loves that you're emotional because he can't really be with someone who's not. He needs someone who can understand him in terms of emotion and I feel like you fill the role pretty well

When you get too tired to clean up your collections he will be more than glad to do it for you. He'll even clean your room from time to time if its really bad or if you get sick

"Get well sssoon my dear!"

I also feel like you two would get along pretty well since you both have an artsy side to you him with his gadgets and you with drawings and music

Sometimes he'll take inspiration from your drawings and make a machine from that

That's actually kinda how he confessed. He probably saw you drawing something and then made a machine that opened up and said 'Will you go out with me?' it took him a lot of guts (and wing-manning from angel) but he finally did it and was ecstatic when you said yes

He loves to hear you sing and will always encourage it especially when he's working

"Can you sssing thissss?"

He's never really had a singing voice but he'll always try and sing with you from time to time

Whenever you give him jewelry of some kind he'll keep it forever and always wear some piece of it. Necklace, bracelet, earrings, you name it and he'll wear it.

He'll also help you fix your sleep schedule every now and then :)

[lady-laureline]

I want to get to the bottom of neurodivergent burnout. I feel like there are a lot of people that have no context to take it seriously in, so they don't.

As with a lot of these posts, writing this is my way of ironing out my own understanding - take it with a grain of salt, I'm not a professional. I've tried to keep it general but as I'm speaking from a late-diagnosed audhd experience, it will lean in that direction.

Also, depending on how much you relate, this may warrant a mental health trigger warning? There's self-talk that isn't very kind.

×××

The precursor to burnout is survival mode: a state in which the body doesn't allow itself to fully enter a state of rest, as it is perceived to be "unsafe" by the nervous system. Neurodivergent symptoms aren't always a cause for stress in and of themselves, but people displaying them quickly learn that symptomatic behaviour rubs others the wrong way, even if they lack the intuition to see why.

☁️ People don't like the way I behave.

×

This is compounded by miscommunication.

Say a divergent child says something that sounds neutral to them, but rude to everyone else. They might get reprimanded for hurting someone's feelings, but they don't see how what they said was hurtful. Say this child's requests for an explanation are seen as insolence instead of curiosity.

The adults might come away thinking the child needs more discipline. The child might come away knowing they did something wrong, but unsure as to what that was or how to avoid it in the future.

☁️ I can't trust myself to say good things, even if my intentions are good. If I say a bad thing, it's my fault even if I don't know why it's bad.

×

The more these situations crop up, the more the emotional takeaway morphs into low self-esteem and constant vigilance (to catch mistakes before they happen). As the child grows older and responsibilities increase, they are also faced with a more nuanced picture of society that they're already lagging behind - demanding more nuanced masking, which is already a separate workload - on top of battling those good old sensory issues.

To those who don't know what the fuss is about: you know when you have a fever and your skin is super sensitive? If you separate the tingliness from the discomfort, and then apply that discomfort to the rest of your senses, you'll get a pretty good idea of what sensory overwhelm is like. We don't all experience this the same way (for example, I'm generally fine with food textures but really sensitive to noise) or with the same frequency, but it tends to be both unpleasant and consistent.

These additional energy drains inevitably lead to feeling the effects of hard work without anywhere near the same results of our peers. The easiest explanation, and the assumption most uninformed make, is one of personal shortcomings. Laziness. Selfishness. A "bad attitude".

☁️ No matter how hard I try, it is not enough. I haven't earned my pain. I haven't earned my rest.

×

It's a frustrating experience, and all those feelings need to go somewhere. We learn skills such as silent crying to hide our "overreactions"; we use our anxiety as a driving force for productivity. Many disabled people have the dissociative method down pat. And then there's the assertive emotions.

Displaying anger out of bounds of the neurotypical context is a whole other kettle of fish. When the nervous system is cortisol city, things will boil over eventually. Any witness is likely to be unaware of the extent of the stressors that led up to this outburst, so it can seem to happen out of the blue. Plus, if the inciting incident appears insignificant to the onlooker, they'll probably think it's all a bit childish.

Say what you will about neurospicy social skills but we have a killer radar for cringe. Raise your hand if you smush down irritation on the regular. Better yet, raise your hand if you "never get angry".

☁️ My frustration is misplaced and out of proportion. If I show it, I lose the respect of people I care about.

×

Maybe we've been afraid to feel what we feel our whole lives, but there comes a point where something's got to give. We might even be making a conscious effort to get in touch with our emotions after years and years of ripping them down and sealing them away. It's a Pandora's box situation: once the seal is broken, there's no getting the horrors back inside.

That's usually the beginning of what is widely recognised as burnout. There is so much to sort through, life effectively gets put on hold, at least for those of us lucky enough not to crash and burn the moment we let go of the wheel.

Recovery isn't a matter of a little vacation time: it can take months or years, and it may not look like work but it very much is. The trauma runs deep and we have no choice but to get to the bottom of the trench if we don't want to be stuck in a permanent state of exhaustion. It can be isolating as there's not a lot of energy left for much else - overextend and your body will slap you back in line so fast your head will spin. And no, you do not get to choose what overextending yourself entails.

To anyone actually going through this, try not to keep yourself in check, at least when you're alone. Your psyche does not want to pretend anymore. Pretending has repercussions now.

×

It may come as a surprise that a lot of people don't take kindly to healing. A person in burnout recovery is (by necessity) less accessible, more self-centered, taking up more space and drawing new boundaries. Unmasking may reveal a person your friends don't understand like the contorted version of yourself they got to know. Furthermore - change, when seen as a threat, can cause people to lash out.

☁️ Healing is a punishable offense. It hurts those around me. They don't want me as I am, but they don't want me to change, either.

One of the things I've had difficulty accepting is that there are good, caring people in my life that don't deserve an explanation of what I'm going through. They might have a space in their hearts for the person they think that I am, but the capacity to truly get to know me isn't there, at least yet.

Once I'd been burned enough times, I made a decision to settle for nothing less than sincere interest as a prerequisite for any attempt to make myself understood. From there, it wasn't not far to the bittersweet realisation that the only person's permission I need to grow is my own.

×

I'm not sure how to wrap this up, which might mean future edits (there are always more edits), but the thought is complete enough to post.

I suppose there is no end to becoming one's own person, and even though the line between recovery and living can be blurry a lot of the time, existing with purpose is a decision each of us has to make.

I'm sending a telepathic hug to anyone who needs one right now. Take care of yourselves.

×××

The self-talk of some weird kid:

"People don't like the way I behave. I can't trust myself to say good things, even if my intentions are good. If I say a bad thing, it's my fault even if I don't know why it's bad. No matter how hard I try, it is not enough. I haven't earned my pain. I haven't earned my rest. My frustration is misplaced and out of proportion. If I show it, I lose the respect of people I care about. Healing is a punishable offense. It hurts those around me. They don't want me as I am, but they don't want me to change, either."

(I've included this depressing subconscious narrative because I think it's important to show how little unresolved rejections add up over time. One can put on a dazzling performance to meet social demands while believing all of that, and we desperately need community support that is informed and equipped to help them pick up the pieces once the show falls apart.)

[conjured-osteon]

Hiatus

{-Kicks rocks an mumble grumbles- I SWEAR this account was fully intended to have more activity but I'll be going on a Hiatus till further notice. If curious, I've added more under the cut but to keep it short'n'simple; Rough start to the year that only continued hasn't helped my creativity an instead stressed me out. (Triggers in the Tags, just in case.)}

{Starting this explanation on a softer note, I find myself having a hard time focusing on my lovely characters an this blog. Not to say I'm intending to get rid of it! But when you get nervous trying to reach out to others or don't get responded to it can be a bit disheartening an I never know what to do as a plan B. (Plus I know we all have lives outside of this. I'm just an unfortunately nervous person an sometimes the Logical Thinking gets bopped by the What If's) But I also have Bouncing Interests so at times my drive will go from full throttle to Zero without any warning because something else has gripped me like a vice.

I have been desperately wanting to work on the blog but as mentioned above, lack of interaction kills the motivation an leaves it kinda stressful cause I dunno what I can do to do better, especially when not wanting to be a pester or bother anyone. Otherwise I HAVE met some wonderful people who are a delight to chat/plot with and I am so, so, so sorry I've been inactive the past month :'D I take responsibility for that radio silence of mine.

And onto rougher notes... New Years Eve I had to say goodbye to my childhood dog. She lived a good, long life an it's still upsetting not seeing her around after nearly 15 years. Holidays already grate me so the addition only made it worse and then some other details surrounding it just, made it especially bitter for me. I've suffered depressing/anxiety fueling dreams involving her almost every night since. Following as a few days ago; one of my cats passed away. Another example of old age but losing a pet never comes any easier over the years.

Around December is when my mental state really started taking a nosedive, one I thought was going to be a temporary thing seeing as I was working odd hours for events from my usual shifts, not resting or eating properly Truth be told I'm bad at that in general bUT, grieving over the approaching vet visit on top of other stressors that came during the Holiday season. A part of the mindset I was thinking it would pass was due to the fact I don't register things that have happened/are happening immediately, an so I just guessed I was having one of my delayed responses from other things and handling present stress... Cept, it continued on in waves for several weeks in comparison to a day or two. Aaaand earlier today while I was working, I got so stuck in my own head, so tightly wound up by meaningless thoughts, arguments with not purpose and physically over stimulated into self directed aggression by getting MF'in' hiccups that I ended up reaching out to a Cr!s!s Hotline when I found I couldn't even make myself contact friends/family. My strongest Rational and Logical Thought was I needed to talk to someone before my predicament made itself truly hazardous. Immediately after, I called my partner so he'd be aware. I'm doing better at the current moment, quite chilled out actually an I fully intend to bring this all up with my Therapist this week.

I hate worrying others and I falter to express what's going on due to the always hovering thought of I'm just looking for attention, or I'll be ruining another person's day because I'm being a child. Something I've struggled with for a long time that I'm hoping-- Trying, very hard to work through.

Soooo yeah- I guess this is me saying I need to step back for my mental health. I'm still so bummed out by having to do this but I really, really want this to be a fun space I can look forward too at the end of my day without my own nagging negativities getting in the way of it.

DMs will continue to be open but I'll be much more MIA from here than I was prior, this time with reason behind it.}

[autumnrory]

i spend like 99% of the time feeling unloved just 'cause like. it simply is not there on a daily basis which i don't blame anybody for because 1. i know everyone is more busy than me, the person with no life and 2. it is not their fault my self-esteem is like this (well, for most people lol there are definitely SOME that have contributed to that) but ya know, it's just how it is, so it is glorious when i DO actually feel it

so my mom asked my sister wanted for her birthday and she mentioned a few things but really just wanted a family visit and ofc it's an ordeal bc my dad's driving is Stressful and they usually do the trip in a day (eight hours altogether there and back) which i refused to do a couple of the recent times, plus getting someone to take care of the pets and all, SO we talked about me visiting before they got married (five years ago lol) since i didn't go to their bachelor/bachelorette party bc it was in another state and i just had so much anxiety doing that kind of travel by myself, plus i only know my sisters' friends a little bit like it would've just been.....so uncomfortable lol

ANYWAY didn't get around to it and then covid happened and then my health issues of last year happened so i didn't go to my niece's first birthday (i think it was literally right before my rheumatologist appointment that confirmed i DIDN'T have an autoimmune disease but like. i was doing so bad mentally last summer lol i could not do that long trip)

and so she asked my sister about them paying for me to take the train out there and she basically said she would love that more than an actual gift and it just made me so emo like. i'm used to my sister being far away but we were always close growing up and all and of course she used to make more visits home but i imagine it's harder with a baby and frustrating because she generally would visit twice a year i think and like. we've been out there so few times in the grand scheme of things like she's been living there almost a decade and just what immediately comes to mind for me is going on college visits with her, going to a concert together, her wedding, her baby shower, maybe a few other things and my parents probably haven't visited much more than me like. it is unfair lol like yes it was her choice to move out there but if it's the place that felt right for her then?? good for her honestly, i do think it's unfair that my parents don't just visit for a whole weekend instead of essentially being in and out in a few hours but they're not gonna change on that i guess

anyway it will be nice to both see her and get out of the house lmao i looked at the packing list i made on google docs and again...it was for her wedding five years ago, i have not done any sort of trip since covid, oddly i noticed my birth control wasn't on there and i had just started taking it at the time but i'm sure i had it with me. got a few other things to add to the list but damn it's gonna be hard bc i really want a combo of cute/comfy outfits bc obvs we'll mostly just be hanging out but when we do go places i want to look nice sighhh i've got a couple weeks to figure it out at least

[ghostofasecretary]

i upped my dose of focus meds in October because i was having A Bad Time getting things done. also then Nakba 2.0 started at the same time i switched over and i have been bowled over with grief and shame and nervous energy to take action and more grief

(i was part of a local movement that recently helped stop a "we uncritically support Israel" statement from going forward in the city council, which is probably not very meaningful but i do think it's better than the alternative, so, yay?)

and i have just been feeling. SO shit lately. i have had 5 days from October 7th to now (5/40 days) where i only did one or two things worth recording in my planner, and only 2 from August 27th-October 6th (2/40 days). there were a few extra days in the pre-switch times where i only did 3 things but i don't think i felt so shit then???

and like. i have had great things in the last month-and-change! i have a new class, i've met some cool people, i've had some good social interactions.

i have also been thinking "i want to die" and "i wish i were dead" WAY MORE OFTEN in the past few weeks than i remember thinking previously. i had some rough days during my hellish job situation but was pretty firmly in "being alive is great and i love it, i'm so glad i'm alive" from March to August this year, i think?? so it's kinda scary to be back to "i wish i could sleep forever" and "if i were dead i wouldn't have to feel so bad" and "oh kill me already"

also i have been taking my PRN anxiety meds waaaaaay more than baseline in the last month. the baseline is 0. i got them in December and, though i needed them then, couldn't take them till January, and in January and February i took them rarely, and then i maaaaybe took them once between March and August but certainly not more.

earlier this year i was like "huh, i really don't think i have general anxiety anymore, just PTSD symptoms after major triggers and the occasional hard time with ADHD symptom management" and today i woke up from a nightmare about my shitty ex visiting me (!?) and--i will spare the details but it sucked ass, and plus it took me *twenty minutes* with *another person helping me* to text someone back today and like. some help with unusually stressful communications is normal but i knew i needed help with this as of 3pm yesterday and did not ask for help till, like, 3pm today. which i don't...think?? is normal for me??

oh god i just remembered another crushing anvil of a contact i haven't replied to, fuck my LIFE

i feel like i have the emotional self-awareness of a bug right now

(please no one suggest therapy i think it would make my life much worse actually and though it may look like i have no clue what's happening inside of me, you certainly have less of a clue)

but also, like, there are some unusual stressors. there's a genocide happening. i've seen a lot more dead bodies in the past month than i usually do. the normal number of dead bodies i see is none. ditto the number of injured people covered in the dust of their bombed homes. and it's The Dark Time as of 12 days ago. my whole family was sick and i had to avoid them for most of October. i have no income and grad school deadlines are approaching and both of those facts are bone chilling.

but i think that my meds may be making my anxiety worse and also making my likelihood to have suicidal thoughts a lot higher. i think.

so i probably need to lower my meds.

even though they *have* helped me focus when i can snap out of the hours long borderline-catatonic dread i get locked in and actually do work i need to focus for

it's. maybe not worth it. probably not worth it. it is genuinely hard to tell

(and like--i requested an upped dosage BECAUSE i was really struggling! and having a hard time doing things! and didn't feel like i could focus. and i felt really bad!! but maybe objectively the anxiety and increased-wanting-to-die are bigger and that outweighs the potential benefits)

(like. i don't think i was having *zero* suicidal ideation before the med increase but i think it was. less? i remember the first "oh shit that's not normal" was before one of my Tuesday calls and. hm. i think it was in October that this started. October 17th or maybe even the 24th? though my mental health has been trending down since August, more generally.

trying to figure out how much current events may be impacting me. covid didn't make me suicidal? --actually it kinda did but i had also just been assaulted and had no routine and a ton of pressure and grief and it was a much worse time for me than this. and most of those thoughts were concentrated in a 5 day period of frantic sleepless essay writing. this situation is like. grief that isn't about me. a degree of shame i think is reasonable to feel. not "i am the worst person on earth" just "i am ashamed to be part of the world that enables this horror and ashamed to be from the only country in the world frothing at the mouth to support it." despairing at how many people have been killed and at how slow anyone is to stop it. i am sad about all that a lot and sorrow doesn't make anyone fast or mega productive, but this major historical event touches me a lot less directly than covid? so maybe it's not actually a good comparison point. i would certainly be happier if Israel (and the US) stopped attacking hospitals and destroying critical infrastructure and trying to erase Palestine and Palestinians from existence)

i remember we tried lowering my dose of antidepressants earlier in the summer because i'd been Feeling Peppy the week i was forced to go off of them, but that did not help. when was that? did that start me getting crazier?? i have no clue

1 day in 8 is a lot more days lost than 1 day in 20. i should probably switch my dose back and suffer through it.

in conclusion: gratgkrhejrisjdkskskekzARGH

i'm gonna go cook

[bipolaritea]

Mettle: an ingrained capacity for meeting strain or difficulty with fortitude and resilience (Merriam-Webster dictionary)

You can't control your circumstances, you can only control your reaction to them. I never expected to find myself being the primary support for three people with chronic mental health conditions. Had I known, I would have spent more time preparing. Maybe I would have saved a bit more money and enjoyed my kids' childhoods a bit more instead of looking forward to their adulthood. I definitely should have built in better self-care habits ahead of time instead of faking my way through two decades on coffee and takeout whenever I felt exhausted.

I can't do that anymore. I can do many things, but I can no longer pull patience and endurance out of thin air. Sheer force of will can get you far, but once you've drained your tanks, they're empty.

Almost two years after my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar 1, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I'd barely caught my breath from helping my child only to be thrust into caring for my parents. They lived two hours away and I became their person for navigating the medical system through terminal illness. Mom died nine months later and then Dad, four months after that. Then I had to settle their estates.

By the time I was done, I barely recognized myself in the mirror. My face and body were bloated from sleepless nights, fast food, and hospital coffee. My skin was sallow and grey, my hair was falling out, and I couldn't climb a flight of stairs without getting winded.

It was bad and I was secretly worried I was going to have a stroke. I work in health care and one of the doctors I worked with pulled me aside and said they were worried about me. I was too.

Diet changes didn't really do much, and I tried to make a difference in things by using the old treadmill in my basement. No luck, it was like I was too far gone.

So I did the thing I most hated. I joined the gym.

That was six years ago. I'm still going. I still hate it. But I love it too.

Now, hear me out, I'm not going to tell you I dropped 100 pounds and wear a size six. I didn't. I was plus-sized going in, and I'm still plus-sized. I do eat better, but my portion control is the shits especially in times like these when I am stressed from being pulled in 100 directions. I'm definitely not saying I'm perfect or there isn't room to improve. I will always be a work in progress.

I have anxiety and depression. Not at all surprising considering the things I navigate with my family. It sucked having to accept my own referral for mental health, but among the easiest of the recommendations from the psychiatrist I met was getting regular exercise.

We already go twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. Typically, we get a good rhythm going, and then someone gets sick or something happens where we get sidelined for a week or two every few months. But here's the key: we go back and start over.

I hate it. I hate it every single time. But then I go, and the endorphins kick in, and I am always glad I did it. I have to force myself to go 97% of the time and then thank myself 100% after. I always leave feeling better about myself, and I always leave feeling better in general. I've noticed that for me, the good feeling from endorphins lasts about two to three days. So, the twice-a-week model is the minimum I need to feel as positive as I can in any circumstance.

So, of all the self-care things I do to keep myself going, this one is, by far, the most important. I'm only talking about endorphins, but we could also talk about energy levels and muscle strength. There is no way I could have, at my age, survived the multiple long days and nights caring for my family over the past 18 months without it.

I need as much mettle as I can muster to make it through. Ironically, one of the best things I can do for myself is lift a little metal.